#i spent $200 on myself just on monday

[thinboy]

this is relevant again

*game-ifies my ed by creating a bunch of cute little spreadsheets and moodboards and daily logbooks to make it seem like it's not that big of a deal*

[mrscorcoran]

One more secret won't hurt / Bunny x reader

Part 1

--------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2: Encounter with the weirdos

Sundays are for walking. Just like Saturdays are for reading and Mondays are for crying. It feels natural, meant to be. The college is surrounded by miles of woods, dissected by dozens of trails in every direction. A dream campus for an avid hiker. If I could, I’d spend my every waking hour exploring every trail, every nook and cranny of this beautiful Vermont wilderness. But trying to be a semi-functional adult that passes all her classes, I decided I’d dedicate only my Sundays to this hobby. Being responsible sucks ass.

But I am nothing in my soul if not responsible. So, on Saturdays, I made my way down to the little library to work on the week’s assignments and papers. Being a literature major means most of my day is spent reading and writing. I enjoy the reading part, but writing can be such a pain in the ass, having to find exactly the right word to describe something, having to come up with a combination of words in an order that’s never been done before or it’s plagiarism, and don’t get me started on writer’s block. Knowing I get to explore a new path the next day is what gets me through these harrowing Saturdays.

So, I make my way to the library, my bag hanging off my shoulder, full of assignments due way too soon, screaming in agony to be completed. It’s 8 a.m. Too early for there to be too many people in the library on a Saturday. It buys me a few hours of reading with no distractions. It’s not like I have issues staying focused, like ADHD or something, I’m just extremely nosey. At least that’s what I tell myself to avoid taking meds.

I find an empty table near a window and sit down. I put on my noise cancelling headphones just in case, pull my copy of Frankenstein out of my bag, and start reading. Of course, I’ve read it a hundred times before, but now that I gotta analyze it for an essay, I find my brain completely blank. What original thought could I possibly have about a 200-year-old book that hasn’t been said before? What could I analyze that hasn’t been analyzed from a hundred different perspectives already? Maybe re-reading it will jiggle a decent idea out of my fried-out brain.

After a few dozen pages and exactly zero ideas, I put the book down and remove my headphones to take a small break. I release a heavy, exhausted sigh and rub my eyes. With my ears free of the headphones, I notice the library is not so quiet anymore. I look up and immediately spot the source of the noise. A few tables away I see a small group of people dressed oddly formal, discussing something in a strange language. Latin, maybe? Greek? Specifically, one of the boys is the source of the commotion. He’s not screaming; in fact, he’s using a regular speaking tone, but in a library that’s pretty much the same thing.  The others reply to his arguments in whispers, but this does not make the blond guy speak any lower.

I have seen this group around campus, talking amongst themselves and disappearing into the vine covered building, but I’ve never seen any of them in any of my classes. I haven’t paid too much attention to them, but it’s not hard to notice they are a bit odd.

The redhead seems annoyed, his head buried in a notebook while he aggressively scribbles something down, not paying any attention to the loud discussion happening around him. The only girl sitting with them is very pretty. She’s listening carefully and offering a few words here and there. The guy sitting next to her looks exactly like her but with shorter hair. I assume they’re either twins or it’s a very freaky coincidence. He also seems a bit disinterested in the outcome of the discourse, rolling his eyes a few times at the other boys. The two other dark-haired guys are the most involved, pointing at something in one of the books, and then at some scribbles in a notebook.

But the loud one, the blond guy with the glasses, is the one that caught my eye. I’d say that’s easy to do when you’re being this loud in a quiet place, but it’s not the loudness. He looks so excited, speaking in that gibberish sounding language, his hands moving around wildly, as if he’s trying to prove the most important point ever. He has my full attention. I stare at his lips, trying to make sense of any of the sounds, when I finally catch a few English words.

- “But that would make no sense though! Why would they be sailing to Carthage to attack?” then a few more words in the strange language. “See? It’s the aorist!”

- “Why are you so stubborn? We can just use the locative case, you can remove the epi if you don’t think they’re going to attack, and those who think they will just keep the epi. Problem solved,” said one of the dark-haired boys.

Holy shit. Even in English I have no idea what they’re talking about. Sounds like they’re trying to translate a very complicated text.

I keep staring at them, occasionally glancing down at my book to be less obvious. His energy is so contagious, how are the rest of them not scream-speaking like him? I have no clue what they’re even disagreeing on, but I’m on his side. He almost looks out of place here, like he should be on a pirate ship somewhere, yelling out orders, or maybe on a T.V. ad, trying to sell something outrageous with a surprising success rate, not here in a quiet library, talking about whatever ‘Carthage’ is.

My book is forgotten on the table after a while. It’s not shaping up to be a very productive Saturday after all. When I look down at my watch, I realize it’s almost noon. I see the group packing up their stuff and making their way out of the library, probably to grab some lunch. I should do the same, so I pack my half-read book and my blank notebook into my bag and start resignedly walking to my dorm to get food. I don’t think this Frankenstein paper is going to get written soon. My mind is still on the mysterious group, and the loud guy that seemingly stole more than just a bit of my attention.

[prettylittlelyres]

Ladies Don't Write Music - 13th November 2023 - update

I've just had a look at the average writing speed NaNoWriMo has calculated for me in November (not the same as my typing speed!), relative to the amount of words I've written so far, and I'm shocked to see what that means for the amount of time I've spent working on the book in November.

I've actually timed every session so far this month, which is something I've never thought to do before. I just love how easy NaNoWriMo makes it to time your sessions. It's just over an hour per day (21,685 words at 26 per minute). I've spent just under 14 hours hours writing in November, and we aren't quite halfway through yet.

I can't tell you how pleased I am with that rate. It's also very reassuring to know that if I put my mind to it, I can do a lot with just 30 minutes of writing per day (that would get me 780 words, but with time for stretching and thinking, I'd be happy with 500).

I got 1,1717 words down before I went to sleep on Sunday night, finished Chapter 11, and started Chapter 12. I really hurried to get the words on the page, because my eyes were closing, but I'm so pleased to find it's mostly coherent. I'm not fussed about proofreading when I'm writing the first and second drafts; it just needs to be legible and sensible (but it's also allowed to be silly), so I know what I've written.

On Saturday I had two short train rides between my nearest town and the next one, a lovely bike ride, and a midday meetup with my friends after a physiotherapy appointment. I also got my bike repaired and bought a new helmet, because my previous one was too old to be safe. Did you know it's good practice to replace your cycling helmet every five years? I didn't until recently (I found out from the bike technician at the auto repair shop). I wrote 300 words on the train, and another 200 before bed, but was quite worn out after all that, so that's all I wrote that day.

Today is Monday, and I've written 1787 words. Tomorrow, I want to write to the end of Chapter 12 if I can. In the meantime, I'm rather sleepy, so here's a celebratory excerpt!

I had always found it difficult to commit a new piece to memory; the urge to add a section or change a note never really went away. If I didn’t keep an eye on myself, I could easily play the same piece a dozen different ways. Creating something new was just as fun as showing off something that already existed, and that was what made it so hard to write a piece of music and consider it finished.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Johann swaying softly in time with the music, as if he were dancing in his own head, rather than mine, for a change.

As I came to the end of the sarabande, I made the last note into a trill, and emphasised the rallentando, to finish the piece as smoothly as I could.

Johann and Louisa clapped.

“Brava!” Johann said, “What do you call that?”

“Well, it’s a sarabande, obviously,” I said, my voice trembling, “It doesn’t have a name yet. I only wrote it very recently. and I wrote it for someone.”

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary402

10/28-29/24

monday - tuesday

another short one today.

i spent like all of today just drawing, mostly in krita trying to figure out what resolution i should even be working in, at the moment, for what i want to do. i think i found it, something tiny like 200x300 right now. i don't know what i'll want higher resolutions for but 600x600 only looks good with pixel pen in azpainter to me right now, and i can get a better handle on color/texture i feel like in the tinier resolution. i should maybe try 400x600 if i need anything bigger, to see if that's a good middle ground if i want something larger. there's an image i want to put down, from a dream, but i've been...well honestly i feel like it's going okay, putting it down with things like more attention to texture and rendering, but it also feels a little bit like i'm able to do too much. it looks good to me when i can see all the pixels but say, at 100% res instead of like, 200%, it just looks like a mess, but the idea is down roughly enough that there's something for me to go off of, it's like an ugly note, i guess.

i also spent a chunk of time trying to get my drivers right so i can do stuff with pressure on the tablet... i got that figured out thankfully.

oh, i got some money too, half of the payment for the film score, since in the future all that's next for me is to do the revisions/edits when they get the final edit of the film out.

i feel like i'm wobbling and can't stay up straight really, so i think i just need to sleep, but it feels good to have stuff more figured out right now i suppose, re: drawing/coloring.

needless to say the focus on drawing distracts from everything else but i like that it's difficult. i also suppose i like that it's all figurative thinking but this is a double edged thing... it does make me feel stupid, which i strongly dislike, or cleaved off from what i'm used to thinking or how i'm used to thinking. i guess i just really do not like the feeling of being less present or something. but it's just a different way of thinking through something... it helps other ideas appear too.

apparently mega64 might die... this is sad news. i hope they don't.

i;m soo tired and somehow i've stayed up until 2 pm. that's okay though, maybe, i hope i'm pushing the needle a bit forward towards being normal again... i saw myself in the mirror, washing my face, my eyes were so red!!

so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pwblogarchive]

April 2002

April 2, 2002

“it’s an amazing relief”

the morning you wake up and realize you are just as shitty of a person as they all thought.

i laughed out loud.

April 2, 2002

“bat those suicide eyes that make me so crazy.”

there’s a part of me that secretly hoped my plane would crash, killing me instantly on impact- the drama proves irresistable. i need some kind of hook to drag me out of it- some hook to drag me straight to hell. do not pass go. do not collect 200 dollars.

i have the same dream every night.

please wait up for me tonight.

April 9, 2002

“and i don’t have the right stuff”

you threw away something perfect, now watch me do the same- i’ll show you just what a vindictive asshole i can be. someday this will all be funny.

i think all this is driving me insane. and the funny thing about my mom making me go talk to this doctor is i find myself lying to him so he doesn’t think i’m too wierd. on top of that everytime he suggests that something might be a problem in my life, i make it one i magnify it- just so he doesn’t feel dumb. i want to grab him and say don’t waste my time just give me pills that make me feel not so alone.

i’m sorry. my wrists are sore from being thought about too much. and maybe i’m not so trustworthy.

April 15, 2002

“i want to fall in love tonight”

lots of stuff to report- we are actually practicing on tuesday. we have a show at rubes may 10 with Figure Four. we will do a full u.s. tour this summer. i have been writing for a new e.p. simply titled “Girls” which we will hopefully record this fall, on it at least: death to the last romantic, (farewell to)a switchblade love affair, and the don juan complex. the new stuff is way different, better in my mind. check back for more info.

a lyrical sampling to get you in the mood:

the don juan complex- my heart is fast and broken in the back of vans, our limbs are tired and clumsy between these sheets. i choked on “please save me” just before i tasted her lips- she never heard a sound. i’ll die in the corners of this kitchen at every party. oh god, this is such a drag and my wrists are sore from being thought of too much. one thousand friday nights- no love is safe. you can’t imagine what you’d wish for if you remembered every single wasted moment twenty-two times. one thousand friday nights- no love is safe. i’ll begin my last note: “i’m sorry mom, i tried, but noone should ever feel this way. and i’m sorry girls but i’m still an awkward boy and you can’t make me not alone.” and end it: “p.s. i hate you”.

see you soon.

pete

April 24, 2002

“did i mention that i’m real?”

i’m confused. i am 22 and i have no masterplan. sleeping in the bedroom that i grew up in is wearing thin but i have no urge to move on. i keep making the same mistakes with the same people and they keep letting me start over. you would think they’d know better by now. i think sometimes people forget there is real person here. i know i do.

i think i’m gonna make friends with my friends enemies. it seems like maybe we hate the same people.

trouble loves me- why don’t you?

pete

April 29, 2002

“‘most people go through life in a kind of quiet desparation’ voltaire”

ash grey clouds block the sky, ensuring that God won’t see my thoughts.

the ultimate peeping tom.

the calls of vultures are cloaked as sparrows and mockingbirds.

i can tell the difference.

she takes a drag off of a lonely cigarette. and this reminds me of how i sometimes feel like if she makes it there i will storm the gates and torch the place.

this is how i spend my first night in hell.

the rest of the week will be spent filling out online personality tests.

i cheat. i take them until i get the personality i like.

monday is for self-sabotage.

i have the cure’s “pornography” on repeat in my head constantly to remind me that this is okay.

the pillbox resembles the barrel of a gun.

MTWTHFSSU

i imagine that these bullets i am swallowing are you- one for everyday of the week i feel alone.

tuesday is for not living up to my potential.

tragedy and turbulence are beautiful.

wednesday is for avoiding friends phone calls.

well maybe not beautiful but at least inevitable.

thursday is for staying up all night and regretting the past three days.

do you ever miss the sun at night or only despise it for abandoning you.

it’s so fucking fickle.

imagine a corpse that is bored with it’s own funeral.

this is me.

friday is spent sleeping off thursday.

i know you don’t read this.

but a part of me still hopes you do.

saturday night is spent alone by the phone- god i wish it was wednesday.

at this point i switch from the cure to bjork’s “hyper ballad”- this is the soundtrack to who cares?

sunday is spent wishing i will wake up someone different on monday.

her perfume is a mix of cigarettes and post-coital sweat.

but somehow it only reminds me of how the people at the crucifixion must have felt.

satisfied but desperate and somehow unaware of what they had just created.

[ncisfranchise-source]

All I ever wanted was cake.

Over the past 20-plus years, CBS’ NCIS has blown through many a milestone — 100 episodes! 200 episodes! 300! 400! — and usually with party that served a Cake Shaped Like a Number.

Each and every time, the running joke went, I would nag the show’s publicity team about my never getting a slice, despite my ongoing coverage of TV’s most-watched franchise — all while of course knowing that my being based out of the East Coast, 3,000 miles away from NCIS’ Santa Clarita nerve center, was a stumbling block.

But when CBS and CBS Studios officially celebrated the start of filming of the franchise’s 1,000th episode, which airs this Monday at 9/8c, I am happy to report that I finally got my piece of a Cake Shaped Like a Number.

Plus a walk-on role, as icing on said cake….

Photo : Robert Voets/CBS

I have no lines in the episode “A Thousand Yards.” And if you blink when Gary Cole and Spencer Moore II step off the elevator into the squad room, midway through the episode, you will miss me. But it is me, Mom, playing Federal Agent Intently Walking a Very Important Folder Across the Room.

While not as splashy a role as, say, Body of Proof gravedigger, playing Special Agent Key — the name that I and only I gave him (as in kilo/1,000) — required some prep and grooming. Shortly after arriving at set, I was whisked away to Vicky Stevens in wardrobe, who handed me a very federal agent-y grey suit, complete with well-worn wingtips that I can most charitably describe as “government-issue.” (I guess Uncle Sam frowns on Bruno Magli.)

Upon fully “suiting up” back at wardrobe, I bumped into and chatted up Bones vet T.J. Hynes, who was guest-starring in the episode as a tech titan. (Scoop!) By keeping my eyes and ears open, I would also glean that Daniela Ruah and Vanessa Lachey would appear in this milestone episode, as NCIS: LA’s Kensi and NCIS: Hawai’i’s Jane. (More scoop!) I also spent a minute hanging out with Christopher Waild, who wrote the episode and teased some of the Easter eggs he’d scattered throughout. (More scoop!)

Shh, don't tell McGee I sat at his desk.

Photo : Matt Mitovich

Easy enough, yes. But I assure you that the first thought that enters your head — especially if you learned anything from Smash‘s Karen — is: Gosh, I hope I don’t pull focus from Gary Cole! So at first I went with a thousand-yard stare, which given the episode’s title seemed fitting. But after the first take, I started doing some “character work” and asked myself: Why is Agent Key approaching this female agent as a stranger, when they’ve quite possibly been working together for years? So for the next couple of tales, I adjusted my gaze from being “detached” to one of familiarity. (I shared my “process” with Patricia Flores, the background actor who played the recipient of my folder, and she was, I want to say, amused.)

Plot twist! Just when I thought I had my performance nailed, Jeb came up to me with new direction from the milestone episode’s director, Diana Valentine: “Can you walk faster? Double-time it?”

I gotta say, this threw me a bit, especially since I hadn’t done any stretching — plus my government shoes were a bit slippery — but I channeled everything that Strasberg, Hagen, Meisner et al had taught me and amazingly didn’t end up accidentally shoulder-checking Gary Cole a single time. 

Scott Williams, Gary Cole, Katrina Law, Rocky Carroll, Sean Murray, Brian Dietzen, Amy Reisenbach, Wilmer Valderrama, George Cheeks, Diona Reasonover, David Stapf, Chris O’Donnell, David J. North, Christopher Silber, Steven Binder, Charles Johnson, Christopher J. Waild and Mark Horowitz

Photo : Courtesy of Robert Voets/CBS

Once the scene was filmed to Diana Valentine’s satisfaction, I changed back into my Matt Mitovich wardrobe while the squad room set was modified into serving as an event space, where dozens upon dozens would soon assemble for the official “1,000th episode” ceremony.

NCIS co-showrunners Steven D. Binder and David North were joined by their entire cast as well as visiting NCIS: LA alum Chris O’Donnell and — appearing via Zoom — onetime NCIS: New Orleans front man Scott Bakula (in New York for the Broadway musical The Connector), the NCIS: Hawai’i cast (congregated in their own HQ) and co-showrunner Jan Nash, and NCIS: Sydney leads Olivia Swann and Todd Lasance.

Following several laudatory speeches and (many) permutations of group photos taken with The Cake Shaped Like a Number, the actors and NCIS showrunners chatted with me and a select few peers on a short press line.

Cole’s first words to me were kudos for my performance (ha!), after which I asked/begged the showrunners not to cut me from the episode. Brian Dietzen and I had a nice moment, having Zoomed/both gotten emotional just days earlier about the David McCallum tribute episode he’d penned; Diana Reasonover absolutely crushed the NCIS trivia quiz I was running by everyone (alas, that video ran into a snafu), whereas Wilmer Valderrama… didn’t; Sean Murray (now the longest-running cast member) gave some great teases; and you don’t need me to tell you it’s always great to see the effervescent Katrina Law in person.

Once the press line wrapped, I sat with Rocky Carroll at lunch, then dove into my slice of NCIS cake that had been 1.5 decades in the making.

SPOILER ALERT! The Cake Shaped Like a Number? Turns out it is usually just a frosted foam prop used for the photo op, while the actual slices served to everyone come from a regular ol’ cake.

Even so, my experience as Agent Key was a sweet one, indeed.

[bolotomia]

Day two: What do you define as a binge?

Anything that looks or feels like I'm losing control on what I'm eating. If I feel like I can't stop, if I'm eating a piece of something but can't stop thinking about the next, if I'm not even enjoying the food anymore but just can't stop eating it - that's a binge for me.

Last Monday I literally spent almost 200 at the grocery store just on SHIT to binge eat. I bought so many slices of cake, pie, pudding, ice cream, chocolate, prosciutto, cheese - and a Coke Zero, of course.

I managed to "stop myself" after three slices of cake, all of the prosciutto, four or five pieces of chocolate and a whole big ass piece of baked salmon. I still have the ice cream untouched in my freezer, some chocolate in the cabinet. I know I will eat everything this weekend though...

[woodelf68]

The article at the link is Tom's six favourite moments from Thor and the Avengers, there's some interesting bits in it! (Did you know about the Pennsylvania mushroom tunnels? Yeah, me neither.) Full text under the cut so you don't have to leave tumblr to read it.

One. The scene between Loki and Odin in Thor where Loki finds out he is a Frost Giant. Playing that scene with Sir Anthony Hopkins was an amazing day. I’m really proud of it.

That scene is basically the anchor of the entire characterisation. It’s very, very important to me. I knew it was an important scene in the script and I knew how I wanted to play it. Yeah, that’s a big moment for me.

[When he says] “Tell me”. So it’s when Loki demands to be told who he is. “Because I’m the monster that parents tell their children about at night.”

Cane Scene

Two. Walking down the steps of the Halls of Justice in Cleveland, which were doubling as a museum in Stuttgart in The Avengers , dressed in a black suit and carrying sort of the Fred Astaire cane version of Loki’s staff, and flipping it, literally like a cane, and smacking a security guard in the face.

It was so fun because there was something of a showman’s elegance about it. It was Loki’s emergence from the underground in The Avengers . It was all going to be set to this amazing piece of Schubert, as it was. Joss’s script described: Loki flips his staff.

And in the same beat, forehands a security guard across the face. And we did it in one take. I felt like I was seven years old when I was doing it.

Mewling Quim

The scene with Scarlett, number three. The scene between Black Widow and Loki in the cell on the Helicarrier halfway through The Avengers . That whole day was amazing. “Mewling quim.” Scarlett and I had an amazing time playing that scene.

I remember, we shot it on a Monday, and we spent all weekend running it at her house. It was really funny. Whenever I got to “mewling quim” – I’ve never told anyone this – I couldn’t say it because we would collapse into a fit of giggles.

And I wondered if I was going to be able to say it and look her in the face without laughing. It just so happens I did. It was alright on the night, but I love that moment.

Vs Hulk

Number four. There is the moment just before Loki is smashed by the Hulk, which is when he gets up off the floor and says, “I am a God, you dull creature, and I will not be bullied by an animal.” But before he gets the word “animal” out, he is whipped out of frame, about to be smashed like a wet fish all over the floor of Stark Tower.

Before we shot it, there was a wire attached to my right foot with three stuntmen on the other end. I remember working with them to time it. I said, “If you pull on the B-U-L of ‘bullied’, then I’ll be out of frame before I can finish my line.” it was just a very funny shot. It was like slipping on a banana skin. It was old school farce. I love that moment.

The Car Chase

Number five. Better be good. Number five is the car chase at the beginning of The Avengers , which was cut down for good reason, but we shot it in these ancient mushroom tunnels in Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania, about two hours outside Pittsburgh.

For most of the course of the 21st century, these tunnels provided the world with about 60% of the mushrooms. Who knew that. There’s something like 150 miles of subterranean mushroom tunnels underneath the forest in Pennsylvania, and we shot the entire car chase over two or three days down there.

It feels like you’re driving into the Bat Cave, that’s what it feels like. They are very, very far underground and they are very, very dark and very, very long.

So it was myself and Cobie Smulders and Jeremy Renner and Stellan Skarsgård. Jeremy and Stellan and I are in this 4X4.

This just after the stealing of the Tesseract. In the film, it’s actually quite a short trip, but it was two days’ worth of shooting to get all that footage. It was amazing being on the back of this 4X4, driving 200/300 yards’ worth of mushroom tunnel, being chased by another 4X4 with all the cameras on it. It’s incredibly thrilling – I think because there’d been so much green screen, and that was all real. We were actually in a 4X4.

Chris Hemsworth

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention something with Chris. It’s the moment where Thor and Loki are standing shoulder to shoulder, staring up at Laufey in Jotunheim in the first Thor film. It was the very first day of principal photography and the very first shot by either myself or Chris as these characters, looking up at Laufey, who’s the king of the Frost Giants. It was just the first moment these characters existed.

It’s weirdly unforgettable. He was wearing the red cape and holding the hammer. He said something like, “Know your place, brother.” It just felt like we’d started something.

So that particular shot has a very close place in my heart.

It was so fun because there was something of a showman’s elegance about it. It was Loki’s emergence from the underground in The Avengers . It was all going to be set to this amazing piece of Schubert, as it was.

Joss’s script described: Loki flips his staff. And in the same beat, forehands a security guard across the face. And we did it in one take. I felt like I was seven years old when I was doing it. [x]

[jewelledfoxes]

Update! Pls ignore!

1. Feet fic

- she's finished babey!!

- (or at least mostly, I have about 200 words I'm not 100% overjoyed with but I could post them and not beat myself up abt it)

- thinking about calling it heart and sole and yes it is absolutely as cheesy as a pun that terrible would imply

- it's taking all of my strength not to just post immediately! I'm so proud of her!!!!

2. Kinktober (other)

- verrrrry slow this week. Everything seems so serious and boring in comparison to the foot stuff so I'm finding it hard getting into the groove of it :(

- wrote a couple of hundred words for the spectrophilia fic but it's all a little meandering so we'll see if it stays

- have a very rough 1k of a start and an ending for hybristophilia. Finding it hard to find the tone/voice of it but I think the idea is solid

- I've spent so much time on my cuckolding fic and made no progress!! I feel like all the ideas are there in my brain but none of it's coming together into any sort of workable draft :(((

3. Goals for the Weekend

- return to bottoming from the top because I reckon there's only like a thousand words worth in my idea so I could feasibly whack it out before Monday

- finish a full rough draft for hybristophilia

- write the third scene of spectrophilia

- total ban on thinking about cuckolding fic for the next week, and hope that after some time away I might be able to come back to it with fresh eyes next weekend and figure out what's not clicking and why

[lifewithoutmeds]

September 4, 2023

The last two weeks have been really really rough. i spent the first few days after i found out the notice completely distraught, crying, unable to sleep, and almost unable to eat. just the millions of thoughts coursing through my head, my heart heavy, anxious, filled with dread. so much crying.

the next few weeks were also bad but not quite as bad. in the last week i only found myself crying for like 3-4 days out of the week. most days i'd get a little weepy/tear up, but on good days this would only last a few minutes when i talked about jadai specifically.

friends have really come out of the woodwork to help me out and be with me through this process. some have kinda flaked due to other responsibilities, but others really came through in a big way. i was a bit disappointed with gy and cl because we had planned to meet up, but then gy had a big deadline and cl was exhausted from the first week of school after not working for a year and a half and being heavily pregnant. but i really tried to work it out with journaling, lots of reflecting (some may call it unhealthy obsessive rumination), and talking to whoever would listen. patti scheduled a facetime meeting with me at 6pm on tuesday, august 15, followed by an emergency therapy session with kelda at 7. i was in the office wednesday but just kinda blankly stared at nothing. rather randomly i was called to oppahs, who had some mushrooms for me, and seeing my countenance, he finally asked what was up and i burst into tears and told him. he was oddly conciliatory and had some words of helpful wisdom for me. thursday i accidentally slept through most of my zoom psychiatrist appointment but she called last minute and i was able to give a five minute update on what was going on and i think she upped my prescription to 200 mg which i believe is the "effective dose." later that day alex (venice cg) met me up at a silver lake restaurant and consoled me, listened to me cry, and gave me much needed words of encouragement and wisdom. friday-sunday i drove up to nida's place. typically, she was busy with kids stuff. cooking, cleaning, picking the kids up from school. it was very hot and we went to the zoo which i thought would be funner than it was. we watched a terrible movie, some prequel to Snow White and The Huntsman that i zoned out of and stared at my phone instead. sometimes i played with the kids, mostly braden, who loves attention, and i did get a few minutes of good conversation with nida in which she told me about how she felt after past breakups, and how she felt that compatibility and timing were really important. how if scott hadn't had kids before he wouldn't be as responsible as he was now, which she needed since she needed kids. she reminded me a little of what alex had said, how some people have a story and they want to cast the characters, and they go through a casting list. it felt kind of ... weird to me. to just kind of want someone to fit into their lives to help achieve the trajectory of their own lives. it didn't feel really organic or i guess ... romantic? it felt more like interviewing candidates for a job and trying to see who was the best fit, but ... i guess that's what it kind of is. it can't just be emotion and feelings andn passion and admiration and attraction. ultimately there does need to be a real meeting of time minds in terms of values and direction, hopes and dreams, etc.

on monday i randomly called my mom and inadvertently burst into tears. she was alarmed and came right over, picking me up a salad and a rotisserie chicken from the local sprouts which we ate together. she was so sad seeing me so sad, and said she was so sorry, but she also said that jadai is very likable. it wouldn't just be me who liked her, she was incredibly attracting and her being a lawyer made her more attractive and impressive, even to me. she also talked about how i couldn't compare myself to her athleticism and her desire and ability to participate in really extreme sports, saying that growing up as sick as she was, she wouldn't even dream of those things, but that she just did the best she could, struggling through each day, and she didn't see herself as lazy or unmotivated or selfish. she prided herself on doing the best she could, every day, and that helped me with some perspective.

on tuesday i drove up to santa clarita and coworked with danielle, who lives with her cute labradoodle, which was a bit distracting since she liked to yelp when she wanted attention. it was nice to have someone sharing space, and it would at times start sobbing and she was incredibly helpful, incredibly kind, compassionate, empathetic. we took the dog on a couple walks, ate lunch together (she ordered zankou), and afterward met her friend heidi at a restaurant in newhall where i treated drinks and snacks.

i woke up the next day, feeling strangely better. i just felt kind of refreshed, and a little emptied of sadness. i think the company and just being able to express myself was helpful.

on thursday i had another facetime therapy session with kelda in which she had gone through past notes and reminded me of some of the struggles, the fights, the frustrations i had with jadai and our relationship. she said to remind myself of these times too, and not just on the good times, which were constantly making me sad.

not sure what happened to friday. probably the usual? work, and then lying down and reading stories about break ups, failed marriages, sad celebrity downfalls, and true crime.

saturday amy was supposed to come over and we had all day free (supposedly) but then she said not in the morning, and by the time i texted back in the afternoon she said it was too late. which was disappointing but ended up being just as well, because i ended up meeting lorena and we got massages at my favorite silverlake thai massage place, then went to go get thai food in thai town and it was good food and good company.

sunday i walked to the embassy suites in hilton where i met up amy and her county counsel friend at the pool where i had homemade mimosas and cried a bit about the news. amy was nice and talked a bit about how after her first engagement didn't come to fruition, she ended up training for a marathon for distraction. later that day i met up kendy and matt for burgers and drinks in santa monica, then for a short hike at will rogers, but i had a mild headache from the morning's mimosas and wasn't as sharp as usual, but remember feeling incredibly loved and understood by my friends and wanting to see them more, because they made me feel lifted up, encouraged, seen, in ways that others hadn't.

tuesday was in office with lunch.

i think wednesday was just work, and then thursday i teleworked with amir, who just goofed off all day, was mostly on the phone, while i worked up a storm. we went to costco and picked up california rolls/sushi for lunch, and then came back and ended up hanging out with cesar for a while, drinking beer and wine, and chatting with his wife and kidding around with his cute kid. it was good to be in the company of people and talk about things other than myself actually.

no recollection of thursday, but friday was my RDO and i met up with caroline at a local place for brunch in burbank where i talked and cried and she consoled me and i was reminded of how good a friend was and how we had had some good times, especially traveling.

saturday i picked up jenny unni and went to lana's house for sawyer's bday. the food was good, and julia took me aside to hug me while i cried and said nice things. afterward i went to long beach to hang out with LD and her group of gaysians. the hostess was none other than stacy's cousin! we hung out til maybe 10, with me drinking the whiskey i had brought, and it was nice just chatting with other lesbian asians.

lastly on sunday, amy, ray's wife, came over around 10am and we headed over to switzer falls for a hike. it was about three hours and we talked nonstop, her about her work, her therapy, and me about the break up, etc. it was therapeutic both physically and psychologically, and i think i've found a friend and exercise buddy, and this was the first time i had broken 15,000 steps since maybe may when my first breakdown occurred, and it felt nice to feel so physically drained.

today is monday, labor day. i took a short walk, did some dishes, and did a bit of tidying. even went for a short 17-minute walk while listening to the read, and even managed to smile 1-2 times. i'll be heading out to hang with rhiannon for a bit, so i need to go, but today feels .... not so bad. sometimes the news hits me viscerally, like a punch in the gut, and leaves me gasping for air. other times it feels like a distant memory, still there, but in a distance, and not as painful, a bit far from me, but not drowning me. i hope it gets better. also there's this odd tendency seemingly, of once i write and express how much better i feel, something terrible befalls me and just swipes me off my feet. here's hoping that doesn't happen this time.

[dailyrandomwriter]

Day 321

More Things I Can Do At Home That I Can’t Do On Site

From the moment I signed on it was very clear that work was going to be one of those Mondays. The kind of Monday people joke about where if things go wrong it’s because it’s Monday. Nothing was a clear sign of this than signing on and finding 60 emails first thing in the morning.

Well… nothing can be done about that, all you can do is roll up your sleeves and get to work.

Because my phone system no longer automatically signs me since that security hole back in March, I tend to not sign into my phone until I have to make a call. This helps make my starting work day blissfully without interruptions.

Unless it’s Microsoft Teams, which does sign you on automatically. Which allows co-workers to get a hold of you. In this case, an hour in, a poor soul contacted me to let me know a parent was unhappy that they had not been contacted back yet.

Did I perhaps miss them last week?

Or maybe the week before?

Maybe I never got their voicemail message…

No… no… they called on a Friday afternoon and it was still 9 a.m. on a goddamn Monday morning. My poor co-worker apologized, saying she had tried to tell the parent that I was probably really busy, but the parent was unhappy. It was a question about wait lists… which… fair…

I fully admitted to her I had no empathy at the moment seeing as last week I had plowed through a total of 200 emails over the course of a week. But I would do the call before grabbing breakfast, it was the least I could do. Besides, when you had 60 emails first thing in the morning I didn’t want to risk not reaching out.

And then spent ten minutes arguing about wait list times. 

Wonderful.

Also apparently IT needed to install something on the computer that wasn’t installed before… great…

By 11 a.m. I got The News.

It was no one’s fault really, and life kicks everyone in the ass. This however did not remove the fact I suddenly had to reschedule six appointments. Six appointments that required specialized vendors, figuring out where I was going to fit people and the knowledge I had to call people to tell them their appointment was canceled.

I think at this point, I would have probably found a single person washroom and just maybe had a slight mental breakdown if I was on site. As it was, I stared at the scheduling calendar for several minutes and decided… fuck it… we’re taking a break.

I trudged upstairs and began to pull out a journal, and stickers. I rummaged around for washi tape and found a paper bag in my recycling bin and cut out a square from it. Then I reached over to turn on my personal computer and grabbed my craft mat. The next twenty minutes was spent with lo-fi music while cutting out stickers and a window frame. All the while taking that time to just breath and wind myself down from being overwhelmed.

Even though it meant I would have to spend a bit longer at work, it was worth it to not have a meltdown in my office.

Also… I had to stay on anyway because for some reason, someone asked more than one administrator to book an interpreter. We don’t know yet if there is just a duplicate invoice or if there’s a third floating around somewhere.

Mondays am I right?

[innertidalwavestranger]

Monday, April 24, 2023

Age:17

Height:5'2

Weight: about 200 (broken scale can't verify, so I'm rounding up!)

I spent hours procrastinating on group work only to find out that I have no math hw due tomorrow and that I should have just copied my science notes and does the research! I'm researching wolly mammoths for God Sake it's fun!! And I just sat their like an idiot doing nothing instead! I got the bad heart procrastinating thing and did nothing! Jesus Christ! I need to get used to this so I'm not just flunking school letting group partners done while light headed hating myself for eating free chocolate eggs in the morning because that means I couldn't have a second goddamn banana!! AAAAAAAAH!!

My tip to check food in my fitness pal if your considering eating it was good! 83 calories left is a little tight, but I'm more used to 1200+ in unlogged food so I'm happy I'm at least under! He'll I'm happy I'm at least logging! 🎉

Unfortunately, I feel the power from this tiny amount of control going to my head already, and oh God, I wanna shut her up! I refuse to spiral to the point where this is my ONLY thing!

This is my second fast in a row! I used to do em a lot more a year or two ago but fell off and gained like over 20 pounds (for a mix or reasons!) I only did today for 6.5 hours i think! Tonight dinner was super early at 6:30 pm I'm so happy! I'm really excited to track my progress. Thank you for reading!

[nopoodles]

I use scrivener or word but those both cost money so I'm not actually recommending them. I did get scrivener on a deal. As to free stuff, I use the reedsy web browser book builder sometimes (especially for formatting ebooks because it does that and I have no money for software these days)

I actually had this kinda problem recently, not exactly the same but comparable I hope. I took a month off writing short stories (normally I share them once a week so I usually end up writing at least one a week or a bunch in a day or two that I space out over a month). I really struggled to get back into it after my break so I grabbed a prompt and did a 30 minute challenge (aka, write for 30 minutes, it doesn't matter if it's good) and it just shifted me back into the mindset and then I spent the next day flooded with short story ideas that I couldn't write fast enough (which is a different problem).

When I was at uni, I wrote once a week. One random set aside time I would write whatever came to mind (there was a lot of fanfiction back then). When had day jobs (because life life stuff stuff reasons reasons I can't anymore), I set myself the goal of 200 words a day on all designated writing days (full time jobs tended to mean less writing days, part time ones tended to mean more). 200 words was a reasonable amount for me in that time and is still my official goal to this day, because now writing is my business and semi-unfortunately that means I have to do all the business running pieces too. This Monday I spent the whole day doing prices maths (who said being an author was just writing words?).

Questions for my fellow writers:

Are you still using google docs? If not, what do you use and would you recommend it to someone who mainly writes in google docs? (preferably free please, i live in Indonesia and anything in USD is gonna cost Way Too Fucking Much.)

How do you get back to writing when you haven't written in so so long? i miss writing so much but i struggle to get back to it due to uni work,,,,

Speaking of uni, how do you manage to write when you're busy with other things like work or school??? I am STRUGGLING.

[sudoscience]

I'm off my meds because I couldn't get an appointment until like 3 weeks after I ran out, and here's what I've noticed:

Sleepy all the time oh my god how I get like 8 hours most nights wtf how am I still so tired all the time but also I still stay up until like 4 or 5 AM

Job is boring as shit and I want to leave like two hours early and I notice how much my legs hurt from standing all day and I hate my bosses for not wanting us to sit so I sit specifically to spite them and I let my coworkers sit too because they're not going to fire me but god I need an office job. I don't want to die, but sometimes I think it would be cool if a car hit me while I was taking out the trash so I could get a few weeks off, and that's still really unhealthy now that I write that out. I'm applying for a different job, but it feels like it's going to be a lot of the same bullshit just with higher pay and actual benefits, but I lowkey don't want it because it's still going to be standing on my feet dealing with assholes all day, just for the federal government instead of 7-11.

Impulsive. Sure, I can spend $200 on stuff I want on top of buying xmas presents for everyone. Treat yo self! What do you mean I owe $1,000 on my credit card? Wtf did I spend all that money on? Fuck it, give me $30 of lottery tickets, I have money.

I think I eat more, but I'm not sure actually. I'm pretty sure I'm worse at resisting sweets. I should lose weight. Man, I could go for a hamburger right now.

God, I fucking hate my job, but I have no clue what I want to do instead.

[haepii]

Limerence | PJS (03)

(n.) the state of being infatuated or obsessed with someone

Paring: Park Jisung + Reader

Genre: Werewolf!AU, Supernatural!AU, series

Series: Neo Culture Pack Series Masterlist, Previous Part, Next Part

Warnings: Violence, Gore, Mentions/Use of Weapons (I.e., swords, daggers, knives), Mentions of Blood, Murder, Animal Death/Murder, Werewolves (if you don't like it, leave), Mentions of bones cracking/breaking, Mentions of witches/witchcraft, mentions of vampires/fae, mentions of werewolves (duh), Jealous/Controlling Behavious (I do not condone these behaviours in real life, but obviously this work is pure fiction and so are the characters in it even if they are based off real people), Mentions of terminal illness (a brief mention and flashbacks, it can be rather confronting and I have experienced the facing of this situation myself. I know how confronting and triggering it is, so please do not put your own mental health at sake for reading this fanfic). CW; sarcastic mentions of a matte latte spiking (drugging itself)

Taglist: @peepsibo

WC: 3.8k

The day flew by in a blur, and before you knew it, you had gone from sitting with Maggie at the breakfast nook to sitting with Jisung in biology. It was then, the moment you'd seen him, that time began to flow as it did before. You hardly remembered taking notes in English Lit, or painting during Art. Now, in third period, smiling to him, you sat down.

Ryujin turned around only short moments before Ms. Qian walked in with a stern expression. "Now you listen to me, we're getting boba this afternoon and there is no discussion about it."

The time she'd spoken had left no room for discussion from you, as she'd turned back around and faced the front of the class, where Ms. Qian had gracefully called the class to order, and silent working. You spent the lesson stealing glances at Jisung as you researched, and took notes. By the end of the session, you felt happy with what you'd accomplished, and finally turned to him with a small smile.

"I just wanted to say again, I had fun last night, and for writing the report and putting it all together, I was thinking we could do a ramen study date? At my place."

Cartoonishly and synchronised, Chenle and Ryujin's eyes both comically widened. Placing at hand over her mouth in shock to hide her gaping mouth and silent squeals from behind her laptop, she giddly stomped her feet on the stool's bar. Chenle on the other hand, just gaped with his jaw on the floor, looking over at Ryujin with a look that could only say; "What the actual fuck?"

"Uh... yes, yeah... that's exactly what I was thinking, what day?" Jisung's cheeks tinted pink, as to not seem too desperate about wanting to go on a study date. He quickly stumbled over his words.. to sound chill, which almost sent Chenle into one of his dolphin-esque laughing fits.

At the first sign of a squeak, Ryujin roughly placed her hand over his mouth and gave him a death glare; "Don't you dare."

"Monday works great for me." You said with a small smile, as you spoke. Jisung knew he had patrol, but Chenle had quickly popped into his head, and without thinking said through the pack link; "I'll take your Monday patrol if you take my Wednesday patrol."

"Me too." His cheeks still tinted pink, he returned with a small smile, but this one wasn't like the others. It was a smile of success, knowing you wanted to spend time with him.

Ryujin removed her hand form Chenle's mouth with a death glare, making quick work of writing on a peace of her notebook paper before passing the note over to him, saying; "This'll be good, I'll suss it all out and spy on their Monday date, in exchange, give me 200 less words of the report. Deal?"

"Fine." Chenle scribbled back, knowing he'll have to write those extra 200 words in her name either way for the work to be even. On the other hand, Ryujin was giddy, as she clapped her hands together. Often, she was at her lowest on Monday and Tuesday of the week, or for the first eight weeks of the semester, having not yet accepted school had returned. However, with the budding romance between Jisung and you, she had been... entertained.

Chenle, had also been entertained, knowing full well of what you were to Jisung, to the pack even. He had thought Jisung would at least attempt at flirting, according to Jeno, he'd walked into the pack house later than usual with a pink scarf and a dorky smile. It was almost laughable, and Chenle wish he'd paid money to see it. However, the world didn't work that way, and Jisung refused to be caught like that by his brothers again.

Before he knew it, just as quickly as you'd walked in, greeted him with a smile and sat down, you had begun to pack up and bid him a farewell as the bell rang for fourth period. For him, no amount of time with you would be enough, and it hadn't even been a week.

Once again, fourth and fifth period had gone by as quickly as they had arrived, leaving only the sixth period, of History with Taegwng and Chaerin. Coincidently, the period of History was also shared with Chenle, who didn't bother in taking anything more difficult for him to maintain his grades for the Sophomore dance troupe. During the class, you sat in the middle row, closest to the windows, with Chaerin to your left, Taegwang in front of her, and Chenle sat in front of you. Though Chenle didn't make any conversation with the three of you, since the whole situation with Jisung, you being his mate, he felt it only natural eavesdrop occasionally.

Today, on Wednesday sixth period History, was one of those occasions. It started off innocent enough, Chaerin talking about her plans for the weekend, given the break of University students from the town over. Chaerin's sister, Seulgi had recently got on her three-week break, similarly to Areum and Taeyong, that he knew. However, when Chaerin mentioned how Seulgi, one of the six members of their clan had decided to come back to town, he felt... fear and anger, a sick combination of the two. Patrols had already been hard enough due to recent events, with Seulgi in town, it would be near damn impossible to maintain the level of safety.

"Are you guys planning on spending any time with her?" You asked Chaerin about Seulgi. Recently, you'd only seen her once or twice in passing, never for more than five minutes but she'd always seemed nice. You'd known her since you were thirteen, and spent christmases with Chaerin's family growing up. Chaerin's grandmother and your grandmother had been best freinds since high school together. It was only natural for the friendship to extend to their future families.

"Oh yeah! We missed last Christmas with her, so Taegwang set up the Christmas tree and everything, didn't you, babe?" Chaerin nudged Taegwang slightly, as he'd zoned out, looking out at the house in the mountains. He was probably just bored. "Yeah! Mmmhmm..."

Chaerin let out a small laugh, shrugging his arm off her shoulders. She turned back to you with a smile. "Either way, I already know you've been thrown into Ryujin's family drama."

"Don't get me started." Sighing, you pinched the bridge of your nose, your eyebrows creasing as you wanted the weekend to not get here, but you wanted it to be over. From dinner with your distant mother, to dinner with Ryujin's bitchy one, you already felt drained. "Ryujyin already told me that her fiancé's sister's little brother will be there too, Areum said he's our age."

"That shouldn't be too bad."

"I reckon it'll be awkward." You groaned, plonking your head onto the desk.

"Nah! If anything, it'll be the chillest family dinner you've been to, because Mrs. Ahn wouldn't want to fuck up her good image in front of soon-to-be son-in-law." Chaerin tried to reason further with a small smile. Looking up from the desk, you saw her wave a dismissive hand at all the upcoming stress of the weekend. "Trust me, there'll be no comparisons between you and Ryujin."

"I always feel so guilty when she does it, you know?" You sighed, feeling as if Ryujin's mother wished you'd swap places with her youngest daughter, not on occasion, every waking minute.

"That's valid."

Suddenly, Jisung had popped into your mind. It happened a lot over the past few days, you'd be doing something, your thoughts would drift to him, suddenly you'd have a spring in your step, and a smile on your face. "Oh! Did I tell you I asked Jisung out on a date?"

"Did you now..." Chaerin raised an eyebrow in pleasant surprise, she turned to Taegwang who had his jaw on the floor and looked at you like you had grown two heads. Ultimately, Taegwang reluctantly pulled out his wallet, as Chaerin smiled gleefully. "That's exciting, but what have you done with the (Y/N) I know and love?"

"I know right?" You sighed relieved to get it off your chest as if it wasn't the most obvious thing in the world. "Since when do I have the confidence to be so... so... forward?"

"You go girl! I'm sure it'll go great." Chaerin gave you a thumbs up and a proud smile.

Turning to her long-time boyfriend, in all seriousness, as she pointed to his wallet. "Babe, you owe me fifty."

"What?"

"Taegwang and I may or may not have made a bet about who would make the first move." She deadpanned, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I won."

"Technically it's a study date... but there'll be ramen."

"Nope." She popped the 'P' as she let out a mischievous giggle. "Still counts. Boba? My shout."

"Duped me out of fifty bucks, you con artist." Taegwang grumbled as he begrudgingly handed over a purposefully beat up fifty dollar bill.

"Sure, make sure to text Ryujin too." Smiling happily, you turned back to the front of the class, as the teacher, Ms. Bae walked in fifteen minutes late as usual. You liked Ms. Bae as a teacher, she was a hippie at heart, always wearing big scarves and linen clothes that fell oversized on her small frame. You swore you could hear her coming a mile away from the clinking of her bangles and necklaces. Having a soft, calm voice, but was never afraid to voice her political opinions during history class, she was your favourite teacher in this school. She was rumoured to live in the small city, where the university was one town over.

With the final ending of the bell, now more tired than usual, you walked out to the east entrance seeing Ryujin waiting excitedly for the afternoon boba date to begin. "Finally, you three! I've been wanting to talk about yesterday all day! You need to tell me everything."

Pointing an accusatory finger at you with narrowed eyes, she smiled widely. The day ending had filled you with more dread, knowing the weekend drew closer with each passing hour left you feeling no better, and preparations for the pep rally would begin tomorrow, you being enlisted to update the banners with some of the seniors of the spirit committee. There was nothing wrong with those seniors, Renjun being one of them, but you always felt out of place there. Especially when you replaced her, the missing girl. They never spoke about her, but it always felt like you knew who they pretended you were when you joined them. You felt stupid for agreeing to give up half of your day for them, but it had to be done.

You needed to ease your mind off of things, bring yourself to live in the moment with your three favourite people. If only for a couple of hours, you needed to have not a worry in the world, to let yourself be shallow and free. To cherish these hours as hours to be free from the stress of the upcoming weekend, your mother's dinner, dinner with The Ahn's (Ryujin's family), Jisung (and your feelings for him), the bio project, your grandmother's anniversary and the pep rally. If only just for an hour, it would be the four of you, in a booth under the neon lights of the little boba shop with mochi, talking about exciting things, gossip, the latest Kpop comeback, or (most importantly) the upcoming winter holidays trip to Seoul. In all fairness, it was only five months away.

"I think we should get matching earrings, and I want to see (Y/N) get a piercing so bad." Chaerin suggested, remembering the previous year how she nearly got expelled for getting four lobe piercings at some sketchy tattoo place that didn't card her for her ID, even though she was clearly underage. Ryujin let out a laugh of approval before adding excitedly, looking at the two of you. "We should also get matching lip tints! We always clash in photos."

Ryujin didn't lie there. She'd always have to edit group photos before she could post them, her instagram feed being centred around her red, vintage 70's, girl crush aesthetic. With your pastel 'cottage-core', 'soft girl' aesthetic clashing her's so much. Chaerin fell in the middle with her 'clean girl' aesthetic, fitting in with both of you, but never at the same time.

"Can we go back to the part where I get a piercing? you know I get scared of that stuff." You let out a nervous laugh, knowing full well your mother would kill you, and you'd need to own double the amount of fair-esque dangles. Plus, it would really kill your vibe to have to wear a silver stud for three months straight.

"You know, Chae, if we're that desperate I have one of the disposable piercing guns from a Chinese wholesale site, we can just get right in there and BOOM, while she's asleep." Ryujin spoke exaggeratedly, as Taegwang watched, walking backwards for a few steps laughing at your expression, which was now resemblant of a shocked cartoon character. You shrieked in horror. "Seriously? My mother would kill me."

"Please! Your mother wouldn't even notice." Ryujin pulled you into a comforting side-hug as you walked. Knowing, she was right, you had no other words to say as Chaerin went up to walk with her arms wrapped around her lover's waist. "You know, I have three, we could do your nose too, Chae."

"Perfect! Let's do it, sleepover, next weekend?" Chaerin smiled giddy as she snuggled into Taegwang, him only muttering into her hair; "You'd look hot with a nose ring, babe."

"Easy! My house." Ryujin smiled back mischievously sash turned to you. With a nervous laugh, you smile up at your slightly taller best friend. "Honestly, you two better be joking."

"You won't even know until the morning." Chaerin exclaimed from in front of you.

"It has a ninety-nine percent chance of getting infected."

"You only live once!"

"Also, I was thinking we could see if there was any tickets for my favourite boy group during the Seoul trip." Ryujin suggested enthusiastically with a nod, as if it was the best idea in the world. Until Chaerin groaned. "So, you're saying (Y/N) and I join you while we mildly enjoy the music and you ogle over the members? (Y/N), thoughts?"

"Sorry, Ryujinnie. You're on your own for that one." You let out a nervous laugh, seemingly doing that a lot this afternoon at the threats of a non-consensual piercing ending in your death by your mother.

"Sometimes I think you two have something against talented men." Ryujing pouted, staring longingly down at her Lock Screen. You could've sworn it had gone relatively unchanged since she was thirteen, given her unwavering loyalty to that one member.

"It's not my fault girl groups are hotter." Chaerin blurted out, now walking up the steps to the boba shop, as Taegwang then proceeded to no hold the door open for her, but let both you and Ryujin pass by him as you let out a giggle. "Ditto."

"Shit! Sorry, baby, you're very talented! I love you!" Chaerin followed after Taegwang, gripping onto the sleeve of his blazer with puppy dog eyes, as if begging for forgiveness from him.

"(Y/N)! No way! I thought you were all about Jisung!" Ryujin exclaimed with a laugh, placing her hands over her gaping mouth, eyes wide with shock.

"Shhhh! Am not!"

"Oh, you so are." She smirked, as she lined up behind the counter, waiting to be served patiently, as the worker was making another tea order. "We'll be talking about this later."

Two hours had gone by, and you'd found yourself splitting ways with Taegwang and Chaerin, leaving you and Ryujin swinging side by side on the swings in the park. It wasn't often you came here late at night, but it was where most of the deeper conversations occurred, but the topic of discussion today was not alien life or how your 'Mummy Issues' accumulated into your need for academic validation. It was so much more. "I want to know about this whole asking Jisung out thing."

"On that study date on Monday... we flirted." You said, as if it was the only detail you wanted to share giddy. Despite this, Ryujin gaped at you, almost looking offended under the setting sun of the park.

"You didn't tell me anything and it's been two whole days?"

"If you hadn't noticed, Ryu... I've been busy with the pep rally, and the new turtle tracker program and my bio project and-" You were soon cut off by your best friend. She waved a hand dismissively but still managed to gaslight you into feeling guilty about the offence, hurt and pain in her voice. "Alright, alright. I get it, you don't have time to call up little ol' me about your love life."

"I do! I was getting around to it, I swear."

"Tell. me. everything."

Sighing, you looked at her for any way to get out of this, but she swung lightly, whistling as if waiting for the oh-so-juicy details from Monday, that had been replaying in your head on repeat. "He kept on staring at me, over his laptop... and he agreed with everything I said... and you know Jaemin? He kept on looking as if he was listening in and distracted, he got yelled at by his boss."

"And, what was the staring like?" She prompted, with a Cheshire grin, and wiggling her eyebrows playfully.

"Oh my god! Don't be so creepy like that!" You let out a nervous laugh, feeling flustered by her actions.

"No, I think I see a correlation." She deadpanned, kicking herself off the ground and swinging back and forth, pushing her legs in and out accordingly.

"That's a big word for you." Raising you eyebrows, you sassed, causing her to abruptly stop herself right in front of you with a deadpan expression. "Bitch."

She began to swing again, explaining her reasoning quickly, with minimal explanation, which was exactly what you'd been expecting. "NO! I found it in Areum's supernatural psych textbook about certain tendencies of creatures and... I already forgot about it."

"Why would Areum have a supernatural psych textbook?"

"Useless. I know, but don't be rude about it, it was a gag gift from me but apparently this author is kinda legit, but a total nutter." She had once again, explained as she swung. Whistling as if waiting for your response.

"And what does Jisung's staring have to do with this?"

"Just answer me, dammit!" She exclaimed, coming to another abrupt stop in front of you, with an expression as if she was rabid for more answers, or had just seen her favourite boy band's new music video and now has all these new theories.

"Wuh– well... he kept on glancing at me with these heavy eyes, like looking at me was a reflex or magnetic. I swear at one point his eyes were like... glowing gold."

"Well, shit... maybe that author isn't a total nutter." Ryujin gaped at you, as if you just said the most profound philosophy. Then she let out a chortle, and continued swinging, whistling and speaking as if her attention couldn't stay on one thing. "That... or you were high and your matcha latte spiked itself."

"Okay... I was not 'trippin' balls', Ryujin. I saw what I saw."

"Okay... maybe you are a nutter."

"I'm not a nutter!" You laughed at her as she was laughing at your use of the term 'trippin' balls', muttering it to herself while imitating you making her laugh harder.

"There's no way that supernatural psych textbook is real, but it does say stuff about werwolves. Isn't your grandma into that stuff- or was?" Ryujin asked, a though suddenly occurring in her mind, which felt like that hadn't truly happened in two weeks for her, but you didn't mention it, as to not be bitchy to her. In many ways, Ryujin was like your 'golden retriever friend' when she was with you, it was like a sugar high, bouncing off the walls. However, you couldn't deny how naturally smart she was, keeping up in honours classes with minimal effort was no easy feat.

"Yeah... she spoke about how werewolves are when they have mates. But none of that stuff is real, right? I mean it was when I was like nine, but it's probably just her dimensia making her think it's real."

Ryujin slowed down her swinging, now joining you in a soft light swing, taking a long sip of her boba, before thoughtfully murmuring out. "Taeyong is kinda like that with Areum. It makes me feel super single when he's around, staring at her like that and treating her like she's royalty– not even... like a goddess. Like he's nothing and she's everything."

"That was deep... but maybe you're the nutter."

"Am not! Now for the juicy stuff... how does Jisung make you feel?"

"Don't be weird about it... he really listens to me, and he was genuine and nice... it took awhile to get hime out of his shell, though." As you spoke about him, Ryujin smiled as she saw your distant but happy expression, which let her know at that moment, that you had fallen and fallen hard.

"He's a hormonal teenage boy, come on now... what do you expect?" She let out a small laugh, seeing how you had zoned out thinking about it. Ryujin couldn't think of anything else but to take an uncharacteristically long sip on her boba.

"Right... he made me feel seen, you know? Like how I'm not just your friend when you drag me on double dates." You had been consumed by seriousness now, your voice no longer holding a playful undertone as you spoke, but a serious voice that was... sad, lonely. Ryujin had known deep down you had been lonely since your father's lost appeal of custody two years ago, and deep down she knew there was nothing she could do. Maybe, Jisung is good for her, she thought to herself... this is what she needs.

"Now you're making me feel guilty, I just wanted to get you a beau, I didn't mean to make you feel nerdy." Ryujin said thoughtfully, pulling your swing over by the chain and hugging you in between the cool chains, as she sighed.

You mumbled into her shoulder softly, as the cool dusk wind blew around the pair of you, making the chains feel cooler and the hug feel warmer, but ultimately leaving you both shivering. "You didn't... it was just that... those guys were there for you, not me, but when I'm with him... it's like he looks at me and he doesn't see your friend, he sees me and he hears me... and he likes me?"

"Yeah... I was right."

"Huh?"

"You really are all about Jisung."

"Taegwang... baby, you were right." Chaerin had tears streaming down her face, worriedly climbing up through the window of his bedroom, her expression grave, as if something irreversible happened.

"What?"

"Here, Listen." She pushed her phone into his hand, open on a thirty second voice recording.

Hesistantly, Taegwang pressed 'play', hearing your voice through the phone speaker. "Wuh– well... he kept on glancing at me with these heavy eyes, like looking at me was a reflex or magnetic. I swear at one point his eyes were like... glowing gold."

"So... they are mates."

"What now?"

"We wait."

©️ @haepii 2022

🀧 if you all hadn't noticed, my asks are open if you would like to be added for the taglist for this series, and I am more than happy to hear your thoughts so far! :) - Haepii

[the-broken-truth]

Choose Your Fate: Yandere Platonic Poison Ivy

Broken Truth: Hello everyone. I have a question: Have you ever read those Choose Your Own Adventure'Books, the ones where your choices affect how the story will end? Well, I've decided to do that with the readers I treasure so much so you can have more say in the ending.

*STATIC*: At the end of this chapter, there will be choices, depending on the most number of a choice will determine the next chapter or possible ending.

Broken Truth: Let's see how you all like it. Now, let the words weave together!

- Things To Keep In Mind -

You are the Biological Child of Poison Ivy & An Unknown Father

You have power over the Green but not as much as Ivy

You are 16 years old

You work part-time in a flower shop

Your hair is black with reddish-orange tips/highlights

You have emerald green eyes - hereditary from Poison Ivy.

Shop Owner (Turning off the LED OPEN sign and turns to face you as you sweep the loose leaves off the ground with a smile on his face): Another great day, [Your Name].

You (Smiles at the old man as you set the broom in its proper place and places the loose leaves into the mulch compost bin): Just doing my job, sir.

Shop Owner: Just doing your job? [Your Name], you're too modest. You managed to sell out the flower of the week in 3 days, not to mention the customers always complement that the flowers look more healthy and alive ever since you got here. You must have a real green thumb with plants.

You (Light chuckle as your ruffle your black & reddish-orange hair): I guess you can say that, sir.

Shop Owner (Reaches into his apron and pulls out a white envelope): Here's your pay for this week, I put in a little extra considering all the extra cash I've been racking in since you started working here.

You (Takes the envelope with a smile): Thank you, sir.

Shop Owner (Pats you shoulder): You've earned it, [Youre Name]. Enjoy your weekend, see you on Monday.

[You leave the flower shop, waving at the Shop Owner - who waves back, and walks down the street as you place your payment into the satchel secured over your shoulder. After a while, you arrived to the flat you call home but not before getting the mail from the mailbox.]

You (Walking up the stairs, walks down the hall to your down, takes your key out of your pocket and inserts it, unlocks the door & goes inside): What a day. (Takes your satchel off and walks over to the couch, sitting down)

[You open your satchel and takes out your payment to count it - turns out your boss added $200 extra to your normal pay. You smile now that you have some extra money and begin going through the mail - a few advertisements, a letter from your landlord saying that he received your early rent payment for the upcoming month, and...]

You (Raises an eyebrow - Thinking): 'What is this?'

[You look at the white envelope with no return address but it was sent to a 'Seedling' & there was a drawing of an Ivy Vine with a blue rose. You eyed the drawing for a while before opening the letter and begin to read.]

'Hello, My Darling Seedling,

I'm so happy that I found you after all these years since your waste of flesh of a father told you away from me when I was weak from bringing you into this tainted world. I've spent these last 16 years looking for you and I was going to give up when I came across a woman with a very beautiful rose, I asked her where she got it from when she told me about a flower shop with a talented gardener; I thought only someone as talented as myself could make a plant that alive but then I remembered you & I knew I had to look upon this. I went there, completely disguised, and there you were - smiling and selling flowers as if you were the Champion of the Green. Your eyes - they looked just like mine - I was so happy to find you. Mother knows where you are now, darling, and she is coming for you. Make it easier on yourself and come to mommy. Meet me in Gotham Park at 11:00 P.M. on Sunday. If not...well...I'll come to collect you myself, darling. Either way, you're going to join my garden with all of your brothers and sisters.

Love, Your Mother'

[Your eyes widened in fear - after all this time, Poison Ivy had contacted you. You remember the Emergency Phone that Batman gave to you in case Poison Ivy or anyone else tried to approach you - maybe he could help. But...if you didn't give yourself to Ivy...who knew what could happen?]

⬇ Choice Time ⬇

[What do you do?]

A - Meet Poison Ivy at Gotham Park

B - Call Batman

C - Nothing, Stay in your flat