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link4eva · 3 years ago

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Kiro’s S2 Growing Troubles Company Project Translation [CN]

Hey! This is a continuation of Kiro’s Season 2 Campus Youth Company project which you can read here!

This translation was done through the power of Google Translate.

This translation contains spoilers for content that has not yet been released to the ENG. If you wish to not be spoiled then please don’t look below the cut.

Enjoy~

*Spoilers below for future content!*

[Stage 1]

Kiro: MC, did you see the notice that Teacher Huang posted in Moments?

MC: What notice?

Kiro: Summer camp, the whole class together…. I really want to go.

MC: I also want to go…. Sketching in the village at the foot of the mountain to escape the summer heat sounds very pleasant.

The director who came to participate in the pre-launch preparations of the film just stepped into the conference room and undoubtedly overheard our conversation.

Director: Do you mean the class that you re-lived high school with before?

MC: Well, Teacher Huang was the headteacher at the time, and we were just discussing their summer camp.

Director: Summer camp? It sounds too student-like.

Director: Anyway, there is still a while before that happens, so go if you want and take advantage of the time off to rest as soon as possible. And….

She thought about it for a moment and then gave us a smile.

Director: If this summer camp experience can be filmed, it will be good promotional material after the movie airs.

I met Kiro’s eyes and have already made a decision.

Kiro: Let me ask Teacher Huang first if we can participate.

Kiro fiddled with his phone, typing and sending messages. I didn’t know how long he was going to be typing for so I leaned in to take a look….

It takes up more than a dozen lines of the text box.

After a while, Teacher Huang sent a voice message.

Teacher Huang: Of course, you’re very welcome to join us. Although you and MC spent only a short amount of time with us, you are still members of the class.

Teacher Huang: I will send you a registration form in a moment, you just have to fill it out and give it to me. The students would be very happy if they heard the news.

Kiro looked at me with a “yeah”, sent a thank-you reply, and when he raised his head again, he had a bright smile on his face.

On the day of departure, Kiro and I arrived at the designated place early to wait for the bus to arrive. *Changed some wording*

The departure time was set at 7 o’clock in the morning, but even still with it being midsummer, the sun was so fierce that people couldn’t open their eyes.

As I looked at the road, I put my hand on my forehead to block the sun. Kiro opened up his suitcase and put his fisherman’s hat on top of my head.

I turned my head and was about to talk to him when a blue and white bus had approached us and was slowing down.

Kiro greeted him as soon as he saw the bus number!

Kiro: 8516, it’s this one!

When the bus stopped, he immediately took my suitcase and walked to the outside of the bus, put both suitcases into the storage, and stepped onto the bus.

Kiro: S-urprise!

The students inside saw us getting on the bus, and at first, there was no reaction, and then burst into applause and cheers-- *Changed some wording*

Classmates: Kiro!

Classmates: Oh my God, are you coming?!

Kiro: Hey, long time no see~ Happy summer everyone~

Kiro: Teacher Huang said that this summer camp is a group activity that the whole class must participate in, and I can’t be absent of course.

Mr. Huang, who was sitting at the front, stood up and dragged Kiro and me onto the bus.

Teacher Huang: Kiro and MC, find a place to sit down and fasten your seatbelts.

Teacher Huang: Okay students, now the whole class is here. I announce the official opening of the 3rd summer camp. *I think it was supposed to be “3rd” but I’m not entirely sure*

[Stage 2]

The itinerary of the summer camp is quite packed.

Occasionally, we would go up the mountain to sketch and take pictures with our classmates. We would also occasionally go to town to shoot some material for the film advertisements.

By the third day, Kiro and I had collected a whole 5G’s worth of vlog material. Kiro was very satisfied with the results of this trip.

Kiro: After the fifteen-day summer camp is over, maybe I can go back to sort out the material and edit. *Changed some wording*

Kiro: By the way, are there any arrangements for the afternoon, or are we going up the mountain with them?

Kiro and I were talking and walking to the door of the homestay. We ran into a few classmates, who we were closer to, sitting in the corner and whispering amongst each other. *Changed some wording*

Kiro glanced at me and leaned forward curiously.

Kiro: What cake? Are you talking about who has a birthday?

Classmate A: Hush! I’m staying in the same room with Shu Shu, and I happened to see her birthday when I checked it, which is today.

Classmate A: And it’s her eighteenth birthday this year, which is very important. We just want to give her a simple celebration.

Classmate B: We just took a look and there isn’t a store that delivers. So, we want to take a taxi into town and order the cake there.

MC: ….But if you leave now, you will definitely be late. Teacher Huang also arranged for the seniors in the village to tell you about folk tales.

Kiro took on this task, almost without thinking.

Kiro: It’s okay, the two of us can go buy cakes.

Kiro: We visited the town a couple of days ago so we’re familiar with the route. Just leave it to us, you can go to class with peace of mind.

I also nodded and quickly agreed.

MC: We can also buy some decorative ribbons and balloons so that it will have a somewhat celebratory atmosphere.

Before they could say anything, we waved to them.

MC: Leave it to us~ Let’s keep in touch and call me if you need anything!

(At the Cake Shop)

Shopkeeper: Our cake bases are all freshly made so you two will have to wait a while.

Shopkeeper: The cake you order is relatively big. In addition to writing “Happy Birthday” on it, you can also write 1-2 blessings.

As the shopkeeper said this, he took out a pen and paper and gave it to us.

Shopkeeper: Write the blessing on the paper and then I’ll take it to the pastry chef.

Kiro: Okay~ Let’s think about it first.

Kiro took the pen and paper and sat down with me in the corner of the cake shop by the window.

Kiro: What would be the best blessing to write to an eighteen-year-old birthday star….

MC: It’s a bit difficult, so let’s change our mindset. What did you want most when you were eighteen?

Kiro put the pen cap on his forehead and thought about it for a while.

Kiro: I didn’t think too much about what I wanted “most”. There were already a lot of things going on at the time, and there was no time to stop and think about it.

Kiro: What about you, what did you want when you were eighteen?

MC: I didn’t really have anything specific either, it’s just that there is a feeling that it’s important to get through each day one by one.

MC: Hope that from this day on, life will change something. I hope that from this day on, nothing will change in my life. *Changed some wording*

Kiro: That’s it.

Kiro looked at the crowd coming and going outside the window. After a while, he took off the pen cap and seemed to have an idea.

[Stage 3]

That night, when they came back from the mountain, Kiro and I had already decorated the living room with balloons and flowers.

The owner of the hotel kindly gave us several large boxes of Coke. The red cans filled the long table and made up the words “Happy Birthday”.

Shu Shu’s eyes were covered by someone from behind as she was led step by step.

When everyone arrived, the student who was covering her eyes, released his hand. She opened her eyes bit by bit and saw the lively surprise in front of her.

She was at a loss for a while as she covered her eyes in surprise and laughed twice, her eyes welled up as if she was holding back tears.

Shu Shu: Haha I knew it!

Shu Shu: Damn, you secretly planned a surprise birthday party…. Originally, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to cause you trouble.

Kiro took out the cake from the refrigerator and put it on the table carefully.

Kiro: The eighteenth birthday is very important, so it should be celebrated!

I drew two tissues from the tissue box on the table and wiped her tears.

MC: The birthday star can’t shed tears today, wipe them quickly and prepare to blow out the candles to make a wish.

When Shu Shu took the tissue, she smiled at me with tears in her eyes and took my hand. *Changed some wording*

Shu Shu: I’m overwhelmed with emotions right now. *Changed some wording*

Shu Shu: I actually didn’t plan to celebrate my eighteenth birthday. Growing up is a very important thing. Am I not ready yet?....

Shu Shu: Say it out, don’t laugh at me. *Changed some wording*

I couldn’t help touching her head and using the remaining tissue in my hand to wipe off the two teardrops on her face.

MC: You don’t have to think so seriously….

I winked at Kiro, and he quickly leaned over, putting on a brilliant smile to comfort Shu Shu.

Kiro: It doesn’t matter, it’s normal to have such thoughts.

Kiro: I have had similar thoughts before. I think it must be very hard to grow up. It is necessary to face all kinds of challenges in this world alone….

Kiro: No longer can I be carefree like a child.

Shu Shu was obviously touched by Kiro’s words. She nodded to Kiro with affirmation in her eyes, waiting for him to continue.

Kiro: But actually, did you know that growing up is more fun than being a child?

The dozen or so pairs of eyes in the living room were all looking at Kiro. It seemed that they were all confused, but they didn’t say the same as Shu Shu.

They all seemed to want to hear the answer to the question from Kiro’s mouth.

Kiro: No matter how carefree life was when I was young, I always lived within the limits of freedom given by adults.

Kiro: Only when we take that step into adulthood, the door to exploring the world is officially opened to us. The most intuitive is the freedom to control time and money.

Kiro: You can book plane tickets at any time for an impromptu trip, and you can lie down on a comfortable bed for a whole day.

Kiro: You can earn money to buy things you like, and fill the refrigerator with your favourite drinks and snacks.

While talking, Kiro and I looked at each other.

Kiro: You can also confess openly to the person you like, and walk openly while holding hands on the street.

I nodded my head, knowingly. Instead, he patted Shu Shu on the shoulder and continued to encourage her with a smile.

Kiro: So don’t worry, if you blow out the eighteenth birthday candle, you won’t become a boring adult in an instant.

Kiro: Look at me, I have liked playing music and games since I was a child. Even now, I still play music and games in the same way.

Kiro: Believe me, you can freely choose your lifestyle and like it too.

[Stage 4]

Seeing the thoughtful expressions of my classmates, I couldn’t help but blend into the atmosphere.

MC: Do you have plans for what you want to do in adulthood?

MC: When I was a child, I always thought that I must go to an idol concert after work and buy tickets for the first row.

There was a burst of laughter from all around, and the students chimed in one by one.

Classmate A: I just want to have the freedom to drink milk tea. My mother said that milk tea is junk food and never allows me to drink it. I want to drink milk tea in my dreams. *This kid’s a big mood lol*

Classmate B: I want to own a cat. My parents don’t like pets, especially my mother, who dislikes cats that shed hair. I said I would clean up after them myself, but she still refuses.

Classmate B: Once I start working, I will move out and adopt a stray cat.

Classmate C: My parents are very supportive of me. They agree on whatever I want, so I want to be independent early on, find a better job, and earn money to be filial to them.

They talked enthusiastically, drawing up a blueprint to be fulfilled in the future.

In the middle of the conversations, the stars in the mountains are all bright, vying to flash the most dazzling light in the Milky Way.

I quietly approached Kiro and sighed softly.

MC: Eighteen is a very beautiful age.

MC: It’s great to have hopes and dreams in my heart.

Kiro smiled at me with his arms folded and his head tilted happily.

Kiro: What are you talking about, MC? Every age is like this, and the age with hopes and dreams is not only eighteen.

I accepted his smile knowingly, opened the cake box with him, and put Shu Shu’s birthday candles on top.

Kiro: Come on, let’s get back to the task at hand. Turn off the lights--

As I lighted the candles, the classmates also stopped talking and sang a happy birthday song in unison.

Classmates: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….

MC: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you~

Kiro: Come and make a wish.

Shu Shu was pushed to the front by everyone, there were tears in her eyes and an uncontrollable smile, her hands were folded to her chest.

Shu Shu: Shall we make a wish together?

This proposal was approved by everyone, Kiro and I were also pushed towards the cake.

The light of the candles flickered in the darkness, reflected in everyone’s eyes, and then slowly, they closed their eyes one after another.

I secretly looked at Kiro, and under the dim light, he opened his eyes and stared seriously at every face present.

Perhaps the subject of “youth” and “growth” has a new meaning in his mind.

After some exploration, it will become his superb performance in the movie.

Kiro: Shu Shu, can you blow the candles?

Kiro asked softly, his eyes fell on a line of blessings on the cake-- Listen to the inner voice and move forward freely.

[Stage 5]

The night before we left the town, Kiro took me to take a walk outside as a final farewell to this summer camp.

Involuntarily, we talked about the confusion of the students about “growth”.

Kiro: In fact, growing up is not terrible, but the journey of facing the unknown is terrifying.

Kiro: When I first made a movie, I was also very nervous. Everyone on the set seemed to be very experienced and skilled. Only I was a novice.

Kiro: I often couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night, and I kept thinking about what to do the next day in my head-- not deliberately, but uncontrollable.

Kiro: Every time that I feel I can’t do it, I just bite the bullet and move forward.

He raised his head, letting the evening breeze in the mountains ruffle his bangs, his eyes looking towards the night were clearer than the blue in the sky.

Kiro: Haha, if you tell the kids this kind of thing, they might feel more scared.

Kiro: But the process is not scary at all.

Kiro: When I look back, I will only find it difficult, but it’s nothing.

He said, turning his head to see the road we have travelled.

Kiro: As it is now, I walked a long way without knowing it.

My heart was filled with the tranquillity of the night, I breathed in the fresh air and stretched out my arms.

MC: And-- There are always beautiful scenes along the road, which makes people forget the tediousness of going forward.

I lowered my eyes and looked at him with a chuckle.

MC: Maybe there will be a very interesting person who can walk with him.

I stopped and stretched out my hand to hold Kiro’s sleeve.

MC: I’ve been thinking these two days, there really isn’t a single moment when we will suddenly change from children to adults….

MC: Like me, I often forget that I am already an adult, and people around me often complain about me, just like a small child.

MC: Maybe it’s because someone has been tolerating me….

MC: No matter what wild ideas I have, he will agree with me, understand me, and support me unconditionally.

MC: Surrounded by this kind of love, I may never be able to become an adult.

Kiro was taken aback and then curled the corners of his mouth, smiling gently at me in the quiet summer night.

Kiro: Who said so? *This line came out kinda wonky so I hope this is right*

Kiro: I have the people who support me the most, understand me the best, and tolerate me in every possible way, making me feel that I can do whatever I want.

Kiro: Often more capricious than children, and often makes me feel lucky.

Kiro: --The world of an adult is wonderful, and the world of a child is very happy.

He stepped forward and I saw the stars, the moon, and the mountains reflected in his eyes as well as myself in between.

Kiro: And I can have two worlds at the same time.

End

#mr love queens choice #mlqc #mr love game #mlqc spoilers #mr love dream date #mldd #mlqc season 2 #S2 Translation #mr love kiro #mlqc kiro #mldd kiro #周棋洛

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a-blue-secret · 3 years ago

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CHAPTER XX

BACK TO MASTERLIST

Chapter XIX | Chapter XX | Chapter XXI

GENRES: royal au; fantasy au; magic au; friends-to-enemies-to-lovers; king!beomgyu, vizier!taehyun

PAIRING: taegyu

WARNINGS: none! (apart from a horseriding stunt that you should definitely not try at home)

WORD COUNT: 5.8k+

AN: Here's some more fluff!! Lots and lots of it! But unfortunately, unlike last time, this isn't all fluff....

SUMMARY: Best friends turned enemies, Kang Taehyun has managed to trick Choi Beomgyu into his service, and to rule for a year and a day, until his youngest brother would be old enough to take the throne. Choi Beomgyu has no intention of being obedient however, and tries to thwart Taehyun’s orders at every turn. With a growing amount of distrust and lies within the court, will Taehyun manage to keep the kingdom of Gojongja from falling apart?

Perhaps you’d expect Taehyun and Beomgyu to be a little awkward around each other, but that was certainly not the case. Sure, they were shy, and flustered, but not awkward. Remember: they’d known each other their whole lives. With how well Taehyun knew Beomgyu and with how in love Beomgyu had always been with Taehyun, they had nothing to be awkward about.

The overexaggerated flirtings had died down after Taehyun had gained his confidence in the whole ‘love’ thing and had begun to flirt back, leaving Beomgyu an incredibly flustered mess. One particular day, the two of them were in Beomgyu’s study, tidying up several months’ worth of papers that Beomgyu hadn’t bothered tidying away until that day while Taehyun kept on teasing him by speaking in an extravagant way.

“Oh, let me get that for you, my love,” Taehyun said in an exaggeratedly formal tone. Beomgyu groaned, covering his face and repeatedly hitting his forehead against the table.

“Stop bringing that up, will you?”

Taehyun laughed. “What, are you flustered? Wow, after all your teasing, you can’t even take it yourself!” His words were teasing, and Beomgyu gave a laugh.

“I don’t even know what came over me,” Beomgyu said, cheeks flushed. “It was just… I don’t even know what I was thinking. You just looked so small and cute and, well, court-able.”

The tips of Taehyun’s ears pinkened, but he still laughed. “Well you look very small and cute and court-able right now.” Beomgyu groaned again, face over his hands. Taehyun chuckled, and continued to pick up and sort the parchments strewn all over Beomgyu’s desk. He continued to shuffle through the papers mindlessly, when he came across a pencilled parchment, much different to the messy, ink-scribbled documents he’d picked up.

It was a pencil sketch of�� him. Taehyun stared at it, eyes wide. The Taehyun in the drawing wasn’t doing much. He was just sitting down, hands folded in his lap as his gaze was tilted upwards, presumably up at the sky. Everything about this Taehyun was beautiful. His eyes shone like stars, lips slightly parted in wonder. It was obvious that a lot of care had gone into this sketch, the pencil lines precise and delicate. The parchment on which it was drawn on was different, too: it was thicker and sturdier, like the artist had deemed the drawing important enough to want to make it last a long time. Taehyun took in the careful details, and unexpectedly felt his heart warm with affection. He looked up at Beomgyu, a small smile on his face.

“Beomgyu?” Taehyun said, holding the paper up. “Is this…?”

Beomgyu looked up, and his eyes widened when he recognised the paper. He bounded across the study to whip the paper out of Taehyun’s hand, clutching the sketch close to his chest.

“It’s not mine,” he said. “I’m… holding it for someone?”

Taehyun laughed at Beomgyu’s comical expression. “Beomgyu, I can literally see your initials at the bottom of the paper.”

Still, Beomgyu shook his head fervently. “A mistake, I assure you. It’s not BG. It’s… EO?”

“I don’t believe you,” Taehyun laughed. “Come here, let me check.”

Beomgyu bounded out of Taehyun’s hold, lifting the paper high into the air. “Nope, you’re not getting it!”

Taehyun rolled his eyes affectionately, and leaned upwards to press a kiss onto Beomgyu’s cheek. Beomgyu gasped, taken aback, unintentionally lowering his arms. Taehyun used that opportunity to whisk the sketch out of Beomgyu’s hands, dancing away happily.

“I suppose beauty really is in the eye of the beholder,” Taehyun mused, staring at the drawing. “I look beautiful.”

Beomgyu, having given up trying to hide the drawing, came and sat down in the chair next to Taehyun. “You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”

Taehyun’s ears pinkened, and he grinned up at Beomgyu. “Wow, I never knew you could be so romantic, my love. You have a way with your hands. I never knew I could look like this.”

Beomgyu recognised the exaggeratedly formal tone to Taehyun’s words, and rubbed his nose, embarrassed. “That’s going to become a joke between us, isn’t it?”

Taehyun laughed, resting his head on Beomgyu’s shoulder. “I’m afraid so, love. But I liked it, you know. It was a nice way for me to get used to this whole ‘love’ business.”

Beomgyu smiled. “I like that nickname too. ‘Love’.”

“So do I,” Taehyun agreed. He held up the drawing again, admiring it. “This is amazing though, Gyu. It’s so realistic. Did you use any references? Any of my prince portraits?”

“Nope,” Beomgyu said. “This is purely the Taehyun I see in my mind all day.”

“Wow. That Taehyun is beautiful.”

“He is, isn’t he? He’s almost as beautiful as the Taehyun right by my side,” Beomgyu said, hugging Taehyun to his side.

Taehyun squirmed with embarrassment, but didn’t take his eyes off the sketch. “Can I keep it?”

“The drawing? Sure. I have loads more, anyway.”

Taehyun gave a gasp, lifting his head off Beomgyu’s shoulder. “No way! Show me!” Beomgyu shook his head, leaping away.

“Never!” he laughed.

“Show me!” Taehyun said, grinning as he chased Beomgyu around the study, tidying up forgotten.

In the end, Beomgyu showed Taehyun all the sketches he’d done of the vizier. And Taehyun loved every single one of them.

.・゜-: ✧ :-

Their relationship grew like that. They bickered and laughed and made each other flustered, and they loved each other in a way that they’d never been able to before. They’d become close again: but not just as friends, but as something more. And they could not have been happier.

“Hey Taehyun, wanna go on a horse riding date?”

Taehyun looked up from his book at Beomgyu who was mindlessly swinging on the swings, and gave a confused laugh.

“Uh, that’s kind of random?”

“I was just thinking of the time that you became jealous because you thought I’d gone on a date with Yeonjun,” Beomgyu said, grinning mischievously.

The two of them were in their secret garden. Since their joint confession a few weeks ago, they’d begun to spend an increasing amount of time together, in their garden. The crystal rose that they’d made together had its own small stone stand in the corner of the garden, covered with a glass dome: a symbol of their delicate but oh-so strong relationship. Slowly, gradually, they’d become practically inseparable again, just like they had been when they were kids.

“I didn’t get jealous!” Taehyun defended. “I was just… annoyed.”

“Yeah, because you were jealous,” Beomgyu said, laughing at Taehyun’s offended face. “Hey, don’t worry, love. If I were you, I would have been jealous too.” He gave a faux sigh. “Yeonjun is just so amazing…”

Taehyun rolled his eyes, smiling. “Haha, very funny. Anyway, what were you saying?”

“Ah, right. A horse riding date!” Beomgyu beamed, swinging his feet. “We used to go horse riding together all the time, so I thought, let’s go on a date doing the thing we used to do all the time!”

Taehyun couldn’t help but laugh at how eager Beomgyu looked. “Alright. Let’s go, then.” He put his book down and stood up, offering a hand to Beomgyu.

The other looked at him, confused, accepting Taehyun’s hand and standing up from the swing. “Wait… now?”

“Sure,” Taehyun shrugged. “Our schedule’s pretty clear today. All we have is a meeting with the Royal Antiquarian to talk about replacing the crystals in our chandeliers, but that’s in the evening. So yeah, we don’t have much to do today. Let’s go on a date.”

Beomgyu stared at him, eyes sparkling. “You’re so beautiful when you talk all business-like…”

Taehyun’s ears flushed, but he quirked a grin. “Do you want to go on a date or not?”

.・゜-: ✧ :-

“I’m still surprised that you remember that incident, though,” Taehyun said, as they walked to the stables. “I completely forgot about that time you and Yeonjun went horse riding. Wow, that seems so long ago.”

“I treasure every moment I spend with you,” Beomgyu replied easily, practically skipping in his eagerness. “I really did love you, Taehyun.”

Taehyun smiled. “I’m glad that someone like you loves someone like me.”

Beomgyu looked at Taehyun, smiling a smile so bright that it rivalled the sun shining in the sky. “Well I’m just glad that someone like you loves someone like me.” He walked into the stables, leaving a flushed Taehyun standing just outside.

“I… hey, that’s not fair! You can’t steal my line, and say it in an even more charismatic manner; that’s just not fair! Come back here, line-stealer!” Taehyun was about to chase after Beomgyu, before he stopped in front of a stable, in which the new, red serpentine horse was staying. “Wait… Beomgyu? When did this horse come in?”

Beomgyu poked his head up from Toto’s stall. “Hm? Oh, Yeonjun found him. It’s been ages since we’ve had a serpentine horse, isn’t it?”

“Indeed it has been,” Taehyun said, smiling at the horse. “I like it.” He stroked the scales of the horse’s nose fondly, laughing when it nuzzled further into his hand. “I’ll call you… Aengdu.”

A laugh came from Toto’s stall. Beomgyu was looking at Taehyun, smiling. “You’re calling the cherry-red horse ‘Cherry’?”

Taehyun shrugged, still smiling at Aengdu. “It’s cute, isn’t it? Come on Aengdu, let’s get you saddled up.”

.・゜-: ✧ :-

“Whoo!” Beomgyu yelled happily into the wind. Taehyun galloped by his side, grinning from ear to ear.

“It’s been ages, hasn’t it?” Taehyun called, and Beomgyu gave a loud whoop in reply.

“Do you think you can still do the trick?”

“What?”

“On the horse! The one we did together!” Beomgyu yelled back. Taehyun’s eyes lit up with understanding.

“Oh yeah! I think so! Wanna try?”

Beomgyu nodded, smiling against the wind. “On three!”

Taehyun nodded, bringing his legs up onto Aengdu’s back. Beomgyu did the same on Toto, until he was crouching on the saddle.

“One!”

“Two!”

“Three!” the both of them shouted together, standing up on their horses’ backs. Taehyun gasped happily, and Beomgyu laughed. The younger called out up towards the sky, the wind messing his hair. Beomgyu couldn’t help but laugh at how young and beautiful Taehyun looked at that moment, also turning his face up to the sun, giving a loud whoop. The two of them had their eyes closed, heads tilted back against the wind, arms outstretched. The wind whipped all around them, howling and whistling as loud as anything, but Beomgyu didn’t try to quiet it. It was almost therapeutic, how deafening the cold air was, and he loved it.

To his side, Taehyun gave another overjoyed yell, and he opened his eyes to look over at him. Taehyun was grinning– grinning so wide that his cute little teeth were on full display. His eyes were still closed, but his mouth was open in a radiant beam. Beomgyu’s lips curved into a fond smile, and he reached over to grasp Taehyun’s hand in his own. Taehyun opened his eyes, smiling down at where their hands connected. He leaned his body down ever so slightly, and kissed the knuckles of Beomgyu’s hand.

Beomgyu laughed at how sweet and gentle Taehyun was being, and Taehyun grinned. The two of them clambered down their respective horses’ backs until they were sitting comfortable in the saddles again.

But they still continued to hold onto each other’s hands for the entire ride.

.・゜-: ✧ :-

Taehyun gasped as they trotted up to their destination, still holding onto Beomgyu’s hand.

“This is our lake!”

Beomgyu smiled. “Yep,” he said. “The very same lake. I thought this would be a good ‘date’ spot.”

“Why do you say that like it’s not a date?” Taehyun asked, slowing Aengdu down to a stop.

“So you know how I’ve been in love with you for a long time, right?” Beomgyu said, releasing Taehyun’s hand to dismount Toto. “I always imagined that my ideal date with you would be to take you out of the palace, maybe even into a different Kingdom, where we could just be you and me, without having to worry about formalities or restrictions. We could go around in public, like we were normal people, doing normal things. I wanted to take you on a date away from the stifling royal court. That was my ideal date.” He offered his hand up to Taehyun, who was still sitting atop his horse. Taehyun pursed his lips at the hand. “Oh, just take it, Taehyun. I know you can get down yourself, but let me do this romantic thing for you.”

Taehyu’s ears pinkened, and a soft smile tugged at his lips. He accepted Beomgyu’s hand and dismounted from Aengdu. But, not being accustomed to someone helping him off a horse, he stumbled into Beomgyu’s chest, and Beomgyu’s hands immediately wrapped themselves around Taehyun’s waist to steady him.

Beomgyu quirked an eyebrow teasingly. “Wow, did the great and amazing Taehyun just fall for me?”

Taehyun coughed, embarrassed, but managed to keep his composure, pressing a quick peck onto Beomgyu’s cheek. “I fell for you harder than you know,” he grinned, lacing Beomgyu’s hand with his as he began to walk towards the lake. He could hear Beomgyu’s flustered stutterings as he let himself be dragged along by Taehyun, and the smile grew on his face.

As he neared the lake however, the satisfied smirk quickly melted a look of awe. He slowed his steps, and Beomgyu stopped next to him. This time, Beomgyu was the one with the look of supreme delight on his face.

“Do you like it?” he asked, smiling at Taehyun’s wide-eyed wonder.

While they had been riding up to it, the lake hadn’t looked any different. The willow tree to the left of the lake had its long, green branches hiding the surprise from sight, but once they had drawn nearer, it became clear what the surprise was.

It was nothing special: just a simple picnic set up under the shade of the willow tree, with small golden lanterns threaded into the willow’s branches. There were several wicker baskets, presumably packed with food, and one of the willow boughs even held a new small wooden swing. It was a little cliche, perhaps a little generic, but for Taehyun it was incredibly special.

“I…” Taehyun was speechless. He continued to stare at the scene in front of him, before suddenly turning to Beomgyu at his side to pull him in for a hug. Beomgyu staggered a little, taken aback by the hug. He’d always thought that hugs were his thing, but it seemed that Taehyun liked them just as well too. His stance softened, and he hugged Taehyun back, stroking his hair.

“I really like it,” Taehyun said softly, arms still around Beomgyu. “God, I love you Beomgyu. I really think I do.” He blinked quickly, surprised to find tears in his eyes. He had no idea that someone would love him enough to be able to do all of this, and it made him feel just a tiny bit overwhelmed.

“Did you have this all planned?” he asked, once he’d pulled away.

“Yep,” Beomgyu grinned. “I might not have been able to go on my ideal date with you, but I’d give you a horribly cliche but incredibly romantic one instead.” He offered his hand to Taehyun, a playful gleam in his eye. “May I?”

Taehyun gave a small laugh, and placed his hand in Beomgyu’s. “You may.”

Beomgyu took Taehyun’s hand and placed it in the crook of his elbow. He fondly patted Taehyun’s hand, before leading Taehyun down towards the willow tree.

.・゜-: ✧ :-

Taehyun sat cross-legged on the picnic blanket, boots placed on the grass.

“Aren’t you worried about if someone comes and sees us?”

“No one comes down here, so we’re safe. Trust me, it’s too far out for anyone to be bothered to ride all the way out here, so we’ll be fine,” Beomgyu replied, opening one of the many wicker baskets. “Ooh! We have some lemon cookies here!” He looked up at Taehyun. “Plus, I knew that you might still not like to be seen in a… situation like this, so I specifically prepared something more secluded and private, with less chance of us being found out.”

He gave Taehyun a quick grin before diving back into the baskets again.

“Wow! Chef even gave us a chocolate cake!”

Taehyun brought his legs up, hugging his knees. He pressed his cheek against his knee, watching Beomgyu with adoring eyes. God, he loved Beomgyu so much. The fact that he’d thought about how Taehyun would feel, respecting his opinion, and even planning around it so that Taehyun could still have an enjoyable time… he had no idea why he hadn’t realised how lovable the selfless side of Beomgyu was. Everything about Beomgyu was just so lovable, really. His bright, passionate eyes, his beautiful, silvery words, his selflessness, his hard-working nature, his innate love of everyone who ever loved him… It was impossible not to love Beomgyu.

And the more Taehyun thought about it, the more he realised that he really had been in love with Beomgyu for years. It had felt so normal, so natural, that he hadn’t even realised it. While he may have only found it out a few weeks ago, that wasn’t going to stop him from being endeared by everything he did. In fact, he felt even more inclined to adore Beomgyu, to make up for lost time. Several years of it.

It helped that Beomgyu had always been someone that Taehyun had found adorable, even when he was supposed to ‘hate’ him. (Barring that one time when Beomgyu had been super mad, after the disaster revel. He was anything but adorable then. Taehyun couldn’t lie: that particular Beomgyu wasn’t adorable; he was hot.) The way he tilted his head when he was confused; the way he pouted softly when he was sad; the way his eyes sparkled when he was happy and the way he gazed at the natural world with a look of pure awe on his face: his whole demeanor radiated adorable energy. Even now, as he rambled excitedly, Taehyun could see Beomgyu’s eyes alight with happiness.

He hadn’t noticed that he had zoned out, too intent on staring at Beomgyu. Beomgyu looked up, grinning. He reached forward and gently bopped Taehyun’s nose.

“Hello, earth to Taehyun,” he said teasingly. “Love, I know I’m gorgeous, but you’ve got to pay attention to what I’m saying.”

“Huh?” Taehyun gradually came back to what Beomgyu was saying, and his ears flushed. “Oh, shut up.”

Beomgyu laughed. “It’s so weird. I’m used to you being all stoic and stone-faced. I forgot how much of an adorable little bean you are.”

Taehyun frowned, but he couldn’t help his cheeks pinkening. Beomgyu laughed again, pinching Taehyun’s flushed cheeks.

“You’re lucky I love you,” Taehyun glared, voice distorted by Beomgyu repeatedly pinching his cheek.

Beomgyu’s eyes softened, hand relaxing against Taehyun’s cheek so it was softly cupping his face.“I still can’t believe you actually love me,” he said, gentler now, gazing at Taehyun with warm eyes. “I still think I’m dreaming.”

Taehyun’s heart warmed from Beomgyu’s soft words. He smiled, leaning forward to place his lips against Beomgyu’s for a sweet, chaste kiss. “If you’re dreaming, then I must be dreaming with you,” he said. “I can’t believe this is happening either.”

Slowly, Beomgyu brought up his other hand to Taehyun’s cheeks, so he was cupping his face with both hands. “As long as you’re with me, then I suppose I don’t mind this dream.” And gently, in a tender, unhurried manner, he brought Taehyun’s face closer towards him. Their eyelids fluttered shut, their lips meeting in the middle in a soft collision of sugary sweet love and tinkling laughs and delicate sunshine.

They slowly parted, lips pink and stretched into beautiful smiles. Taehyun rested his forehead against Beomgyu’s, bringing his own hands up to cup Beomgyu’s face.

“My sunshine,” he said softly.

Beomgyu smiled wider. “My moonshine.”

“My bright ray of happiness.”

“My gentle beam of serenity.”

“My source of joy.”

“My place of peace.”

“My Beomgyu.”

“My Taehyun.”

Their smiles had grown impossibly bigger, the both of them beaming so much that they both seemed to glow with happiness.

“I love you,” Beomgyu prompted, kissing Taehyun’s nose.

“I love you too,” Taehyun smiled, burying himself into Beomgyu’s warm embrace.

Needless to say, they had a beautiful picnic date by the lake, content with their new young love.

.・゜-: ✧ :-

“Beomgyu, you haven’t been getting enough sleep, have you?” Taehyun asked concernedly, as they rounded another corner. “You keep rubbing your eyes.”

Currently, the two of them were on their way to visit Yoongi, and Taehyun was interrogating Beomgyu about his lack of sleep. Again.

“That’s the fifth time you’ve said that, you know,” Beomgyu said, chuckling as he continued to rub at his eye. “I’m fine. My eyes are a little dry, that’s all.”

Taehyun hummed, unconvinced. He brought his hand to Beomgyu’s forehead, and frowned. “You don’t have a temperature,” he said, hesitantly, bringing his hand away.

“You worry too much. I told you, I’m fine. I feel fine. Don’t you worry,” Beomgyu said, waving away Taehyun’s concern with a bright smile. “Ah, this is the Royal Antiquarian’s study, right?”

“Yep,” Taehyun said, the two of them stopping in front of a door. He turned and nodded to Heeseung, who automatically stationed himself outside the door. “We’ll be back in a few hours, okay?”

And then, Beomgyu softly knocked on the door, and they entered.

“Hello, Kang Tae– oh, you brought Beomgyu with you?” Yoongi looked up from his armchair, smiling at them. He raised his eyebrow. “Oh, I supposed it would happen sooner or later.”

Taehyun gaped, and Yoongi smiled, tapping the side of his nose. “Did you think I wouldn’t know? I’ve known you both since you were little babies. But of course,” he rose from his seat, sitting them down on the sofa opposite, both of their mouths still wide open, “I wasn’t here for the whole of my life, so I missed both of your births, and even most of your childhood. But I still knew how inseparable you two were back then. To me, it was perfectly clear that this –” he waved his hand between the two of them– “was going to happen someday.”

They gaped at him, eyes wide.

Taehyun’s mouth opened and closed, speechless. “We– we just walked in… How did– how did you know–”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell!” Yoongi said, chuckling. “Goodness, you both looked so terrified.”

“I– Sir Yoongi– you said it so fast…” Beomgyu blinked in shock. He blinked quickly, thinking, before leaning forward curiously. “Are you also homosexual, by any chance?”

Yoongi chuckled again. “Good observation. Indeed, I may be.” He chuckled to himself for a few more moments, clearly delighted with the whole situation. Taehyun and Beomgyu looked at each other. Beomgyu shrugged, and Taehyun just shrugged back.

“Oh, I had such a laugh,” Yoongi said, smiling. “It’s nice to see that something I had merely assumed would happen has actually come true!” Taehyun and Beomgyu sat there, not quite knowing what to do, grinning awkwardly as Yoongi smiled at them.

“Wow, I always knew this would happen. But anyway, back to business,” Yoongi said, clapping his hands together, and immediately the two of them relaxed. “You came because of the chandelier crystals, am I correct?”

Taehyun shook himself back into his business state, and nodded his head. “That’s right.”

“You’ve ordered the crystals, haven’t you?”

“Yep, five thousand kilos of it, all being stored in our ballroom,” Beomgyu said.

“I have the order details here,” said Taehyun, handing Yoongi some documents. The Antiquarian adjusted his glasses, staring at the paper.

“Hmm yes, that all looks fine to me,” Yoongi commented. As he scanned the document, he nodded thoughtfully. “Oh, you’re harvesting your crystals from the Barumin Kingdom?”

“We are,” Taehyun responded. “I asked Yeonjun to pull a few strings.”

Yoongi frowned, before his face cleared. “Ah, Lord Hyunjin’s cousin is a Duchess there, right?”

“Her Grace, the Duchess of Wansan-gu, yes,” Taehyun said, nodding. He paused, staring at Yoongi curiously. “But how do you know Hyunjin, and also Yeji…?”

“You forget that I am originally from Aruyeo,” Yoongi said. “I know these things.”

Beomgyu blinked. “Hold up. Hold up. I think you skipped the part where you explained to me about your Aruyeonan roots.”

“Ah, apologies, Your Greatness. I am descended from one of the oldest Aruyeonan clans, the Yeoheung Min clan,” Yoongi said. “Aruyeo was my first home, until I moved here.”

“You’re here to stay forever though, right?” Beomgyu checked. “It wouldn’t look good for us if our Antiquarian suddenly disappeared back to his home Kingdom.”

“I assure you, I am here to stay,” Yoongi smiled. “Gojongja is now my home.”

Beomgyu nodded, satisfied. “Good.”

“So then, nothing seems to be the problem here,” Yoongi said, returning his focus to the order of crystals. He handed the papers back to Taehyun. “It all looks good. Was there anything you were unsure of?”

“About our chandeliers,” Taehyun explained. “The gold was like, thousands of years old, and because it was shattered, we don’t have any of the original moulds that were used to make them. And because of that, the huge chunks of crystals that we freshly ordered are rendered useless until we figure out what the chandelier will look like, and thus the size the crystals need to be cut into.”

Yoongi nodded thoughtfully, understanding their predicament. “I would suggest that you design your own chandeliers, but–”

“–we might not have enough gold or crystal for that,” Beomgyu finished.

“Exactly,” Yoongi nodded, tapping his chin.

“That’s why we came to you, to see if you might have the casts used to forge the chandeliers,” Beomgyu said. “I know it may have been before your time, but maybe someone passed on a document to you?”

Chuckling wryly, Yoongi stood up. “You test an old man’s memory, you two,” he said jokingly. “Though you are right in the fact that the chandeliers were made before I became Antiquarian – I was still in Aruyeo at the time – I think that I may have some sort of records as to what the dimensions of the original moulds were. Just hang on a second.” He disappeared through the door beside the bookshelf: the door that Taehyun had assumed led to the Antiquarian’s chambers, which actually led to another, smaller office connected to the official study.

Taehyun and Beomgyu twiddled their thumbs and sipped their tea, waiting for Yoongi to come back. Suddenly, there was a loud rustling of paper, and the Antiquarian’s voice emerged from the room.

“Ah! I think I’ve found something which may be of use to you.”

The two of them stood up, Beomgyu staggering a little on his feet. Taehyun held his arm, steadying him.

“I’m fine, I'm fine,” Beomgyu said, before Taehyun could ask. “I just stood up too quickly. I’m fine.”

Taehyun stared at Beomgyu concernedly, unconvinced, but Beomgyu waved his hand carelessly.

“Come on. Yoongi said he’s found something.”

Taehyun followed Beomgyu into the adjacent room, ducking under the slightly small door frame. The room, compared to the study they’d just come from, was rather void of any personal items and felt almost draughty. The walls were white and bare, large oak drawers took up most of the space in the room. The drawers were roughly shoulder height, and were around one and a half meters wide. Yoongi was standing by such a drawer, the top drawer open.

“Come, come. Here. I have the blueprints for the chandeliers themselves. These would be sufficient enough, I believe.” Yoongi looked up at them, and squinted at Beomgyu. “Your Greatness, are you alright? Your eyes look a little… dark and, well, tired.”

It was true that Beomgyu had been looking increasingly tired throughout the day. While in the morning, he looked fine, as the day had gone on his eyes had begun to look rather panda-ish, with dark rings around them, and his face looking quite pale. However, he still sounded fine, and he waved away Yoongi’s words.

“Just tired,” Beomgyu said. “I just didn’t sleep that well last night. Don’t worry about it.”

Yoongi pursed his lips. “You didn’t touch the chamomile tea I gave you, did you?” he said. When Beomgyu tugged on his ear awkwardly, the Antiquarian tutted. “Chamomile tea is best for fatigue, along with headaches and dizziness. Before you leave my office, I want you to finish that tea, okay? The same goes for you too,” Yoongi said, turning to Taehyun. “Neither of you get enough sleep. Don’t you deny it – you both probably function on an hour’s worth of rest between the two of you.”

Taehyun bit his lip, unable to refute. “We’ll finish the tea and then leave,” he promised. He held up the old blueprints which Yoongi had given him. “This will be very helpful for us,” he said, unrolling the paper. “Yep. Oh look, these are the little engravings Lord Soobin told me about!” Taehyun said, pointing at a close-up drawing of one of the parts of the chandelier arms. There were tiny little Latin words which would presumably have been engraved into the gold. “The King who had been around when these were made had commissioned for his chandeliers to be engraved with Latin phrases. The phrases apparently meant something to him, and were almost like an inside joke between him and his closest friends. Only, instead of a joke, they were meaningful, heartfelt phrases.” Taehyun looked up at Beomgyu, smiling. “We could write our own words into these new chandeliers,” he grinned. “Soobin knows Latin. I can ask him!”

“Hold,” Yoongi said. “What did you say was that Lord’s name?”

Taehyun blinked unsurely. “...Soobin?”

Yoongi frowned. “If I may ask, do you know what surname clan he belongs to?”

“I’m afraid not,” Taehyun replied. “Beomgyu and I have no idea.”

“Why? Is there something wrong about Soobin?” Beomgyu asked curiously.

“No, no,” Yoongi assured them. “I just thought I’d heard that name in Aruyeonan court before. I didn’t even know we had a Soobin in this court.”

“Well, don’t worry,” Beomgyu said, a smile on his face. “He’s good.”

Yoongi returned the smile. “That’s good to hear, Your Greatness. Now, let’s get out of this chilly room and back to my office, shall we?”

.・゜-: ✧ :-

The two of them spent about an hour more with the Antiquarian. It was interesting to talk to him, because he knew so much about practically everything.

“What’s it like being able to tell the near future?” Beomgyu asked curiously.

Beomgyu and Taehyun had been allowed to stay in Yoongi’s office while they finished their tea, and were taking an extremely long time to finish their tiny teacups in order to talk to Yoongi for a little longer.

Yoongi smiled amusedly. “I suppose it’s what everyone would like to be able to do, isn’t it? Well, it is rather bothersome at times,” he said. “I can’t see the future when I want to: it is when my ability decides it will allow me to see in the future, which is actually surprisingly often, compared to some recounts of what my ancestors have said. Most of the time, it’s random, though. Nothing happens to me when I have these visions; I just become a little dizzy, but that is all. I suppose it’s alright, but our ability to see the near future has led many of my clan to be prematurely killed or tortured because of our advantageous ability.”

Beomgyu nodded thoughtfully. “Ah… I suppose the disadvantages to having an ability like that mean that you’re heavily targeted. Is that why the Yeoheung Min clan is so small?”

“Indeed,” Yoongi said. “Though we are not endangered. We are simply rare, which I think is much nicer than being on the verge of becoming extinct, like some clans are. For example– oh Taehyun, don’t touch that!”

Taehyun widened his eyes, still clutching onto the marble. While Yoongi had been talking to Beomgyu, he’d been trailing his gaze idly around the office, and his eyes landed on a small, hollow marble on one of the many round tables dotted around the room. This marble was familiar: it was small and hollow, and inside there lay a pile of dark powder which crashed against the walls of the marble when it moved, like mini waves. It was Hueningkai’s hybrid marble. The eavesdropper/ data collector marble, which Hueningkai needed back before someone discovered what it could do.

As recognition struck him, Taehyun had leaned over and grabbed the marble, a movement which Yoongi saw and scolded him for.

“You shouldn’t touch it,” Yoongi said. “Taehyun, put it down.”

Taehyun only closed his hands more firmly over the marble. Yoongi frowned.

“Taehyun. That’s Hueningkai’s. It’s–”

“Hueningkai?” Beomgyu interrupted. “The Hueningkai from Aruyeo?”

Yoongi blinked. “I– yes, the Hueningkai who, like Yeonjun, is a–”

Taehyun’s eyes were wide and urgent, almost glowing in the firelight, ultimately cutting off Yoongi’s sentence. His eyes flashed urgently again, their message loud and clear.

Beomgyu doesn’t know they’re spies.

Yoongi paused. “Yes, Hueningkai, who like Yeonjun is also an Aruyeonan.”

Taehyun relaxed. “I need the marble, sir,” he said. “This is Yeonjun’s, and it was made for him by Hueningkai. He thought that he’d lost it, and I need to return it to him. He’ll know what to do with it.”

Beomgyu tilted his head, lifting Taehyun’s hand to stare at the marble curiously. “That’s a cool marble,” he said. “I didn’t know Yeonjun owned marbles.”

“This is the only one he owns,” Taehyun replied. “So I really need to return it to him.” He gulped down the rest of his tea, before getting up and bowing. “Thank you for the blueprints, and the tea, and the chat,” he said. “Beomgyu and I need to get going now, though. Thank you!”

With that, Taehyun dragged Beomgyu out of the door, the King barely having time to bow his head towards the scholar.

Yoongi watched as the door swung shut, a small smile on his face.

“Oh, Kang Taehyun,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “You forget I can see the near future. I know that marble, and what it can do. You don’t need to hide from me.” He closed his eyes, and chuckled again. “Look at me, talking to myself. Am I really reaching that sort of age?”

Suddenly, his body stilled. His ability was showing him what would happen in the future. He gave a gasp, eyes shooting open.

“Oh my… Choi Beomgyu?”

He was shaking. His hands came up to cover his mouth, shocked at what he’d just seen.

“The dear Choi Beomgyu… will he be okay?”

taglist: @my-moarmy-heart, @arohabangtan @a-fragmented-world

#court of lies #taegyu #txt taegyu #txt taehyun #taehyun #txt beomgyu #beomgyu #txt fanfic #txt imagine #txt imagines #txt fluff #txt angst #tomorrow x together #tomorrow by together

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breanime · 5 years ago

Text

Dynamite (Part One)

Before we get into this, I’d like to sketch out a few things about this mini-series. It has six parts total, and each part was inspired by a different song. You don’t need to listen to the song while you read, but I’ll be linking them in case you want to check them out at some point. I’ll link the song to the chapter title (see below). Okay--here we go. Let me know what you think! :)

*cover by @moonlit-void-to-the-far-unknown*

Part One: 6, 8, 12

After Jakes left, Graceland hadn’t been the same.

The house hadn’t been burned, surprisingly, after Mike went to the agency about all of Briggs’ sketchy dealings, but there had been consequences. Johnny, Mike, Charlie, Paige, and Briggs were still in the house, but they were working under new restrictions. Namely: they had to report daily to their “Head Agent”, a suit who hadn’t been in the field for a good 30 plus years named Holden Ranker. Paige conned the name ‘Golden Wanker’ (in her best British accent) for him the day he moved into Graceland. He was a no-nonsense guy who didn’t seem to trust any of them to do their jobs correctly, so naturally, he wasn’t the most popular guy in the house…

…still better than Briggs, though.

The house was divided; Jakes left and never looked back, no one trusted Briggs, Paige and Mike’s relationship/friendship was strained at best, hostile at worst, Charlie was thinking of leaving Graceland and branching off, and Johnny.

Johnny was starting to rethink this whole concept of them being a “family”.

But still—they did good work, and Johnny was proud to be a part of that, even if he felt like he was living on autopilot most of the time.

Currently, he’d just gotten back from closing a case with Mike and Charlie, taking down a human trafficking ring, and he had a few days off until his next case, so he slept in. A year ago, Johnny would have been up and at the beach as soon as the sun came up, a board in his hands as he ran in the sand with Briggs and a reluctant Mike—but a lot had changed in a year, and now, all he wanted to do was have a deep, dreamless sleep and be left alone.

But instead… He dreamt of you.

You’d dated throughout high school and into college, and honestly, Johnny used to think he would marry you. But you broke before he went off to basic training, and when he got back—you had moved on. In his dream, Johnny was holding you, kissing you as you laid in his bed, and it was like he could still feel your skin, smooth and warm, under his fingertips. He could still feel the excitement, the gentle pounding of his heart whenever he was around you. He could see you, so beautiful, as you smiled over at him, wrapped up in his sheets and his love. Back when the two of you were together, Johnny had felt so loved, so warm… It was a feeling of overwhelming happiness, being with you, and when he was with you, lips on yours, bodies connected, his name falling from your pretty, perfect lips like a prayer, he felt so alive. When you were his, Johnny had been so sure of himself—he was going to get his citizenship, become something, and make you his wife. But when he went into training with the Navy SEALS, before he left, he knew that him leaving would be the beginning of the end for you two. He knew that was the end.

Johnny turned in his bed, awake now from his memory-dreams of you, his fingers itching to feel you under them, his body aching from the absence of you. What would life be like, he wondered, if he had stayed? Could he have made things work with you? Would you have stayed with him, despite his line of work? Could he even be with you as a Fed? Shit… Would you have a family? The thought of impregnating you and creating life with you made Johnny’s heart ache, and he clutched his chest. Restless, he jumped out of bed, grabbed his board, and headed to the beach.

On his way out, he ran into Charlie, Mike, and Paige in the kitchen.

“Hey, Johnny, good work on that last case,” Paige greeted him, “Way to kick some ass, Tuturro!”

“Yeah,” he reached past Charlie, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, and grabbed a banana, “thanks… I’m gonna hit the beach…”

“Need company?” Mike asked, blue eyes eager.

Johnny gave him what he hoped was a convincing smile. “Nah, not today, Mikey. Be back in a few hours!” He called, leaving before they could see the unhappiness in his eyes.

But they did.

“He’s been really mopey lately,” Paige noted, sighing as she heard the door slam behind him, “I’m worried.”

“Yeah, you ain’t the only one,” Charlie said, leaning against the counter, “He’s been withdrawn, pensive… I don’t know what to do.”

Mike looked at his feet; he knew a part of Johnny’s pain was because of him. He was, after all, the one who had (almost) burned Graceland and exposed Briggs for what he was—a lying sneak. But in the process, he’d ripped Johnny’s family apart, and Mike, after all the things he’d been through since he first set foot in Graceland, had eaten an entire table of humble pie, and now… “I just want the Johnny I know back,” he said lowly.

Charlie wrapped him up in a hug. “I know, Mikey. Me too… Me too.” Sighing, she pulled back. “With everything that’s happened; Jakes leaving, Briggs,” she made a face, “Holden… Plus the shit we see every day in these streets… I’m afraid Johnny’s lost his faith in people, or even the belief that good people exist.”

“Mm,” Paige glanced over at Mike, “I know the feeling…”

Briggs walked into the kitchen then, clearing his throat so they knew he was coming. Mike and Paige greeted him with a cold stare, and Charlie sighed again. “Hey guys,” he waved a manila folder in the air, “Holden just handed me a new case, and, uh… It’s gonna be a tough one for JT…”

Johnny always loved the water. He’d been a swimmer since he was a baby, always wanting to test his limits, go deeper, go further, see how long he could hold his breath. As he rode on the waves, he let his mind wander, and unlike earlier, he leaned into it. He was safe, after all, when he was on the water. He couldn’t stop thinking about you. He thought about you from time to time before—you were his first love, how could he not?—but this was different. This was… His mind and heart, for once, were on the same page, focused in on you and asking himself “what ifs” and hypotheticals.

He wondered if you ever thought about him, or if you ever cried yourself to sleep thinking about him, like he did sometimes thinking about you. Did you ever reminisce on him? He moved against the waves, a natural surfer, and wondered if you ever asked about him. Did you wish, when your phone rang, that it was him calling you? Did you still feel the same way you used to about him?

Did he?

Johnny took a break, laying on his back on his board, staring at the sky. He did. He knew he shouldn’t; it had been around 6 years since you’d went away, but he swore, he could still feel your kiss—feather light and sweeter than anything he’d ever tasted—on his lips. Sighing, he flopped onto his stomach and padded back to shore. Johnny sat in the sand, staring out at the water, pissed and irritated at himself for letting his mind go down the you-shaped rabbit hole.

“I should be over her,” he whispered to himself, shaking his head at himself, “I should know better—after all the shit I’ve been through,” images of Lucia, Briggs, Mike, Jakes, a strung out Charlie, Paige’s bloody face flashed through his mind, “I should know better!” He dropped his head between his knees and closed his eyes—

—and all he could see was you.

Opening his eyes, Johnny stretched out and laid in the sand. He started counting the time he’d spent apart from you in the sand, breaking it down to about 6 years, 8 months, and at least 12 weeks since the last time he’d been with you, since he walked away from you and into the arms of the U.S government, too damn naïve and reckless to realize that—maybe—he could have had both. He stared at the tics in the sand, each representing the large chasm of separation between the two of you, and he wondered if you were okay—he hoped, with everything he had, that you were. He hoped that you were happy and safe and living a fulfilled life, he really did. Annoyed and depressed with his line of thinking, he hopped up, erasing the marks in the sand with his foot, and decided to go back to the house and get a head start on his next case. He knew Holden already had one set up for him—their new “boss” was determined to keep them busy so they “stayed out of trouble”. Johnny grabbed his board, and for the first time in a long time, he was actually eager to start a new case. He needed—welcomed—the distraction.

When he walked in the house, he heard soft, low voices in the living room. Tugging his hood half-way onto his head, Johnny walked towards the voices, recognizing them all easily: Briggs, Charlie, Paige, and Mike. Holden, apparently, was wherever the hell he was when he wasn’t breathing down their necks.

“Johnny,” Charlie said, almost breathless as she stood up.

He quirked an eyebrow at her, noting the files all over the room. He could see figures—huge amounts of cash, apparently—and a few Spanish sounding names on the papers, but it wasn’t until he looked all the way up, at the face plastered on the big screen TV mounted on the wall, that he realized why Charlie had said his name like that. On the screen, straight out of his dreams—

—was your face.

You were his next case.

*******************************************************************************************

Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think! Part Two will be up in a few minutes, any and all comments would be appreciated! I love hearing from you guys, and you know how insecure I can be, haha!

Everything Taglist: @sweetybuzz25 @mrsjaxtellerfan @rhabakoli @encounterthepast @realduckvader @justvnash @knowles-morgan @ateliefloresdaprimavera @evanlys19 @nyxxnoxx @carlaangel86 @luminex3 @jigsawlover10 @gollyderek @otomefromtheheart @lexxierave @crushed-pink-petals @amethyst09 @falsehopesndreams @a-dorky-book-keeper @witchygagirl @glimmerglittergirl @nich0lasmatthews @ben-c-group-therapy @felicity-x0 @amirra88 @yourfellowangel @vibranium-soul @xserenax-13 @whoaitslucyy-blog @gemini0410 @ktiz90 @theoceanhathsolace @starrynite7114

Johnny Tuturro Taglist: @beardburnsupersoldiers @feelingsandemotionsnotexplored @jamielennkeeler @honeym-daddi @missjessie21 @tashawar @smoooore @texasbama @chaotic-rayofsunshine @uhlxis

#johnny tuturro x reader #johnny tuturro imagine #johnny tuturro #manny montana #Johnny tuturro series #dynamite

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birdly-vagabond · 5 years ago

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((Good gosh you guys. so many of the same ask i thought it would be best to just. screencap them all together. )) ((To start. I’m not 100% what you mean by “serious” art. I’m a med student not an art student, but. I do run a small art shop. I take commissions and I’m a vendor at a few conventions around where I live. Second off. I like to consider even quick sketches “Actual” art? but. If you’re wondering what I can do besides quick sketches for answers, here’s some recent art i’ve done. like. this month-today recent)) ((I finished this like. 10min ago?))

((My blog header is by me!))

((Okay so i did this one last year as a print for our local gaming convention but i’m including it here anyway))

((Here’s a WIP for another print i’m working on for our game con this year!))

((SO In short, yeah? i guess I can do ‘serious’ art. I just don’t sit to line and properly shade every answer for every ask, haha. it’d get really tedious, especially with work and school. I’m really glad people enjoy my art! I get asks and messages about that too, but i promise it’s not all I can do!)) ((If anyone’s curious I have an instagram for both my shop and a personal account but a lot of art is posted on both!))

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quagmireisadora · 5 years ago

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[Jinki / Jonghyun] The Writing on His Face

Rating: R Warning: none Genre: face blindness au Length: ~9300 A/N: this is for @jjongyyu who was looking for an old and popular fic that disappeared. While I never read the story myself, I got a rough summary and have tried to recreate it to the best of my abilities. I don’t mean any copyright infringement to the original author, and hope they are doing well, wherever they are now.

Title based on the poem 얼굴에 쓴 글씨 by Kim Hyesoon

—–-

Long arms rose above the patrons and waved in wide arcs. Only Minho would, Jonghyun smirked to himself.

He walked among the tables and when he reached the other, he mumbled a low greeting. Usually they would come in here at lunch, after a few matches of badminton at the university sports ground. It was a Saturday afternoon tradition between them. But this morning, he woke up to a message telling him to come straight to breakfast.

He sat down with a sigh and picked up a menu. Almost immediately, fingers rapped on the other side of the laminated page.

“I already ordered for us. The usual, right?”

“What’s the usual?”

Minho sighed. “Yah… is your memory failing you now, too?”

“What if I wanted to try something new for once? Eh?”

“Ah, then show up early next week!”

Jonghyun would’ve continued their farcical argument had he not given into the other’s ridiculous expression – eyes wide, brows raised, lips pouting angrily. It always managed to make him laugh. “This joker…” he chuckled.

Minho’s own countenance melted into a sheepish smile. “Anyway, what do you want to do today? The courts are closed for a month.”

“Maintenance again?”

The other shrugged. “Could be. News is, they had a burst pipe from the storm last week. Flooded the street downstream. All the old people in the big houses near the campus were complaining about it.”

“See?” Jonghyun pointed. “This wouldn’t have happened if they’d taken our advice earlier this year. I told them they should take advantage of the annual upgrade and change the clay pipes in for PVCs. I told them!” he insisted, then waved his arms. “But no~ it’s too excessive~”

Minho giggled, flicking some complimentary peanuts into his mouth. “Still doesn’t change my question—what are we going to do? It’s even nice outside for a change…”

“You could go see the flowers at Everland this year,” a voice suggested to them from a distance. “I hear they’ve come in really pretty.”

“Hyung!” Minho looked excited enough to clap. “You’re back!”

“I’m back,” a man with a pot of coffee and a striped apron casually walked up to their table, smiling at Minho with affection. “And man, is it good to see you two after all the weird people who’ve come in here this week. College students, ah…” He poured the steaming drink into their cups and placed a couple of paper napkins next to each one. “But? I see you two boys are stuck indoors again—look at the weather! What are you doing here?”

“Uh, hyung, you’re not supposed to drive business away?” Minho joked and they both chuckled with each other.

The man turned. “Jong ah,” he nodded amicably. It was the expression most people used with him, no matter how close they may be. Unsure, faltering, tentative. It was natural for them to be that way – after all, they were never sure if he’d recognize them. Several times, they would have to explain their identity and show him photos of themselves with him. It tended to get embarrassing for all parties involved. “How have you been? Everything good at home?” the man tried to smooth over some of his hesitance.

Jonghyun concentrated on the pronunciations. He concentrated on the texture of the speech. Silk, his brain conjured the word. Every time he identified someone correctly, he flooded with a deep warmth; a self-confidence rivaling nothing else. This time too, a radiance grew in the center of his chest, piercing its way out of his rib-cage like it was trying to give away all his secrets. “Jinki hyung,” he greeted, much to the man’s surprise. “It’s nice to see you again, this one was starting to miss you,” he jerked his chin in his friend’s direction.

“Hul…” the server gasped.

“I told you he was getting better at the voice thing!” Minho said in an oddly boastful tone, then realized he’d just admitted to talking about his best friend behind his back.

“You were right,” Jinki grinned.

“How was your trip?” Jonghyun inquired.

“It was good. I got to talk to a lot of universities. They offer a lot of options these days, unlike when I got out of school so… I’m hopeful about it. Yeah,” he ended the statement with some indecision.

“That’s good. I’m glad you got to go.”

They exchanged a friendly smile, and then Jinki jumped like he’d just remembered something. “Oh right! Are we still going to that exhibition this weekend?” he asked.

“The built history one?” Jonghyun felt excited just discussing the meeting. He’d seen the post on his SNS and immediately thought of Jinki, the aspiring architect who sketched in a dog-eared little notebook in his free time. Jinki, who was trying with all his might to get a degree so he could register as a professional and find better work. When Jonghyun forwarded the post to his friends in the industry, he knew it would make its way to its target. “Yeah, of course!”

“I’m… not invited?” Minho inquired with a frown, then his expression lightened before turning impish. “Are you two going on a daaaate?” he teased, then waved his arms and made silly wooo~ sounds.

Jonghyun threw a napkin at the guy’s face. “Be quiet. It’s an educational visit.”

“I can be educational!” the other garbled. “I do… I do education!”

“Shh!”

“Haha, well that’s great,” Jinki chuckled. “So, I’ll see you here tomorrow, after my shift? We can take the subway there. Cool?”

“Cool,” Jonghyun agreed.

Minho rested his face in his hands and leaned his elbows on the table, looking dreamy. “Ahh… a date. How cute~”

“Yah, what’re you saying?!” he was given a not-so-serious scolding.

——

Jonghyun woke up with a start.

He staggered out of the blankets to look for his wallet. “Where is it…. where is it…” he mumbled under frustrated breaths. His heart pounded with fright as he combed through a pile of laundry. When he finally found it, he flicked the wallet open to look for the photo he had put in it many years ago. It was a picture of him in his high school graduation robes, two well-dressed women standing on either side of him, looking on with adoration. Hands shaking, he took the photo out of its clear pocket and held it up in front of his bleary eyes. He blinked hard, once twice thrice. He meant to blink away the sleep. Instead, tears flooded off his lashes and rolled onto his face, fell on his arms, dripped to his shirt. He squeezed his eyes shut while his lungs sobbed, but he tried again. It was expected, it was what happened every time he looked at the picture—at any picture. It was expected and he knew what would happen when he did it. But it still hurt. A twist of pain spread from his heart to his torso to the rest of his body.

He dropped everything and went to his phone. With trembling fingers, he dialed the number and waited for the ringing to stop.

“Jong ah,” the elderly woman greeted in a groggy voice. “What’s wrong? It’s so early in the morning.”

“Ma…” he rasped in the silence of his room. “Ma.”

“Jong ah, what’s happened? Are you hurt?”

“Eomma, I don’t remember your face.”

——

“You look… unwell,” Jinki stated as politely as it seemed he could.

“I’m fine,” Jonghyun tried to brush the attention away. “Just had a rough morning.”

“Is that what the sunglasses are for?” a hint of playfulness sprayed from the other. “Or are they your way of blocking out the unnecessary overload of faces?”

“Both,” Jonghyun joked in return.

They strolled through the park for a few meters until the other spoke up again. “Listen, we… really don’t have to do this today.” He looked concerned. “We can come back another time. I mean, I’d rather you go home and get some rest.”

“It’s the last day of the exhibition, hyung.”

Jinki scoffed. “An exhibition isn’t as important as your health, man,” he muttered.

Worry like this was common, regardless of who he met. It secretly irritated him, but he’d honed the skills to avoid a confrontation whenever it happened. “I tell you what,” he started to lighten the mood. “Why don’t you buy me an ice-cream when we’re done. That way you can pay me back for being here and being miserable.”

The other looked on, uncertain at first, then picked up his usual joviality. “OK!”

They walked some more until they arrived at the artificial hanok village. Houses on low wooden plinths circled a paved courtyard. The organizers had placed a row of old-fashioned shoes outside each house. Colourful paper art hung from lines overhead. Clay tiles gleamed and slate shimmered. Red square-spirals adorned the walls at mid-height. The smell of seaweed soup and pork dumplings was in the air. Tables had been set out for anyone interested in a game or two of baduk. In the distance, two women in traditional clothes played the zither and the flute, while a bunch of young boys in hanboks competed in hacky sack.

It was as if they had been transported to another time. “Just like a sageuk drama,” Jinki sounded a little breathless, running his hands over pillars and walls. The tips of his fingers were stubby, and sometimes came away with plaster or paint. But he still touched everything he could, still tried to feel every surface within his reach. “It’s like a… a dream!” he turned around, eyes sparkling with excitement. Jonghyun grinned at him.

They explored their way through the fair, picked a few things to eat and a few others to drink. At one point, they stopped to watch a dance and drumming performance. They clapped in time with the beat and shared a look before laughing at the MC’s jokes.

When it came time to leave, Jonghyun requested they take a selca. Jinki consented and proceeded to make silly faces at the camera. Later on, out of the other’s sight, Jonghyun chose one of the photos as his lock screen, happily running a thumb over it.

“How about that ice cream?” one called as he walked ahead. The other nodded.

They ambled as they left the exhibition grounds, taking in the sights of the riverside. Streamers and lanterns hung between light poles, announcing the event. Some more girls walked past in full traditional clothes, giggling about something.

“… and I thought they were very clever in the way they negotiated with the locals, tried to get their input to feed back to the planners, cause it’s so important to understand the user grou—you’re not listening,” Jonghyun stopped talking when he saw the other simply watching him.

“No I am!” Jinki assured cheerily as he veered to one side of the walkway. He propped himself against the railing. “I like listening to you talk. You’re very passionate about your job.”

He pursed his lips. “I guess… it pays really well, and I get to work by myself, away from people. So that’s nice.”

“Hmm… you get your own space to think.”

“Exactly.”

The other’s smile was a hint rueful. “How nice.”

“Hey. Hyung,” Jonghyun closed the distance between them. “You’ll get there too, soon,” he encouraged. “I mean… you’re saving up for the education you want, you’re talking to universities so you can make the best choice. You’re clearly driven.”

“I’m also really old,” Jinki sighed. “My mother says I’m being too unrealistic with all this and sometimes… sometimes I think she might be right. You know?“ he shook his head. "A degree in architecture is difficult. And after I’ve done all that, I don’t even know if I’ll ever get a job. In this economy?” He scoffed, scrubbed his hands through his hair. “Ah… I’m thirty and I still haven’t done anything with my life… I’ve wasted so much time.”

“You were in the army, it’s not a waste of time.”

The other offered a grateful smile, but his eyes were suddenly tired. Jonghyun leaned against the railing next to Jinki and said no more. They shared that little island of silence, watching the fair and the mountains in the distance. The sun grazed against their necks and shoulders, hugged their arms as they stood motionless, listening to the sounds of chirping birds. Because of the way Jonghyun’s visual memory worked, he needed constant speech to prompt his brain with information—I’m with this person, we know each other though such and such place, we’re here today on such and such errand. He liked when he could use people’s voices to give them a name because it made him feel safe, feel like he belonged where he was just then. But Jinki’s soft exhales allowed him to be alone for a short while, and he used that time on his own breath.

The spell was broken by a, “Oh, right, I heard you moved to a new apartment?”

“Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Some weeks ago, now.”

“And you haven’t had a housewarming party yet, have you?”

Jonghyun tilted his head at the other, stating the obvious. “Minho?”

Jinki laughed. “Who else but the one and only?”

He shook his head. “That boy and his big mouth… No, I haven’t had a party yet,” he admitted. “I… honestly, I don’t like parties. They’re really. Disorienting.”

“Hmm,” the other hummed sympathetically.

“Plus, I have way too many people I’ll need to invite, and it’s going to be stupidly difficult to call them all up, confirm with each one, then order all their favorite stuff. Clean up the mess when they’re gone. It’s… ah, it’ll be a hassle.”

“You…” Jinki nodded with admiration. “Sound like you have a lot of friends. I’m actually jealous.”

“Yeah well,” Jonghyun started with some bitterness. “Still doesn’t stop me being lonely.”

The other chuckled. “How can you be lonely? This world is so insanely full of people, it’d be impossible.”

“See, that’s what I hate?” he pointed out, frowning and gesturing with his hands. “That in my life, lonely and alone have never met. They’re miles apart.”

Jinki studied him at that, eyes narrowed, lip worried. His hair fluttered in a zephyr and one of his cheeks shone gold against the setting sun. There was a sadness in that stare. It reached out with its arms as if waiting for someone to come pick it up, to come take it away because it didn’t belong there. The sadness seemed to weigh enough that its owner’s vision sagged to the ground, tired of holding itself up to face the rest of the world. If Jonghyun could, he’d have reached out and wiped it clean off the man’s face. But he couldn’t.

“Yeah,” Jinki said lowly, nearly whispering. His gaze moved to the ground, to his own shoes. “I know what you mean.”

——

“What’s up?” Minho answered the phone immediately.

“OK, let’s do it.”

“You mean let’s start a band? Yesssss!”

“Ye—what?” Jonghyun barked into his phone. “No! I’m talking about the thing you’ve been bugging me to do for weeks.”

“Yeah! Start a band!” Minho reiterated.

“Idiot, I mean a house-warming party.”

There was silence for a few seconds. “Ohhhhh… so I take it the date went well huh?”

“It wasn’t a date, we aren’t dating, I was only accompanying him to the fair,” he patiently listed, but bit his lip because he couldn’t really lie. Not to Minho. “And yeah, he did bring up my move and all that but—”

“A-ha!”

“What’s a-ha?” Jonghyun panicked.

“A-ha is you finally deciding to throw a party so you can get Jinki hyung to visit your hooome~ oooh~”

“Yah, yah, yah…!” he warned over Minho’s stupid noises. “It’s nothing like that, don’t go around spreading rumors OK?”

“You’re in loooove~”

“Hang up, right now!” he yelled.

——

He nearly didn’t hear the doorbell over the din. As he balanced a bowl of chips and dip in one hand, used his hip to push a trolley of glasses, and tried to twist the door knob with the other, someone walked past him giving instructions to bring out the drinks. He frowned after them but couldn’t pinpoint with any certainty who it was. When he gave up, the newcomer at his threshold waved.

Jonghyun frowned. The guest had short hair, a hooked nose, wore a loose sleeveless shirt and jeans, and carried a small bouquet of red roses. Nothing in their appearance could give away what or who they were. “He-hello…” he tried.

The other person tried to ease off the awkwardness. “Uh, thanks for inviting me,” he said with an appreciative nod. “Sorry I’m late, I wanted to pick these up for you–”

“Oh! It’s you, hyung,” Jonghyun sighed with relief. “Come, come on in!” he waved.

“Wow!” Jinki immediately let out. “This place is…”

“Big?” Jonghyun raised his eyebrows in suggestion. “Huge!” the other’s eyes were wide. “So… so Miesian too, like all the glass is really. Fresh and modern and—”

“Tell me what you think later, here take this off me and feed yourself,” he offered the bowl and started walking back to the kitchen. “I’ll be right back, just try to find Minho, he’ll show you around.”

When Jonghyun wheeled the trolley to the kitchen, a woman was standing there, leaning against the island. He offered her a bottle of beer. “Can I help you?” he asked her.

“Yah, you know I only drink beer when there’s fried chicken,” the woman responded, then suddenly perked up at an idea. "Did you order any fried chicken?”

“Noona,” Jonghyun whined with a sudden rush of tiredness, walking over for a hug. “This is so difficult,” he muttered into her shoulder.

Sodam patted the back of his head. “You’re doing fine. And I’m right here. Just call out, if you need me, OK?”

He hummed reluctantly before he was sent back into the crowd. Jonghyun trudged to the living room, a case of beers in one hand. A circle of guests waved to him with congratulatory words, and although he recognized no one, he did his best to behave amicably. As soon as he could excuse himself, he set the bottles safely onto a table. On cue, someone climbed onto his back with a loud proclamation of “Jonggie hyung!”

With the affectionate term, and the bounce in the other’s voice, the connection to face and name was instant. “Oh! Taeminnie!”

The boy got off and hugged him tightly. “Ahhhh, have I missed you,“ Jonghyun was swayed to and fro. "We don’t even meet like we used to every morning, now that you’ve moved. You’re so far away… I had to take two trains to get here.” Taemin pouted cutely.

“You’re here now,” Jonghyun said with love, grasping the other’s shoulders. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“This party’s great! Everyone’s here!” Taemin skipped a little in place. “I even ran into Jongin and Hyoyeon noona in the balcony. I haven’t seen any of you in so long, ah~! Remember when we used to go on a drive in the hills?”

Jonghyun nodded happily. “And how is Naeun doing?” he inquired.

“What, she hasn’t filed for divorce yet?” Minho’s warm voice slid into the conversation. “I’m shocked, considering what a headache you can be on your best da—ack!” Taemin tackled him playfully and Jonghyun decided to leave the two of them alone to their stupid wrestling.

“Just don’t break anything!” he called out after them with a grin. More unknown faces and more good wishes ambushed him. And they would’ve continued to do so for the good part of the evening, had he not bowed out of conversations before they turned unpleasant for him.

At a moment of leisure, Jonghyun’s eyes looked through the crowd for any sign of red roses. When he found it, he started to swim through the throng to get to it. All along the way there, people commended him on the new apartment and gave him all sorts of compliments. He thanked them as best as he could without seeming too rude. With Jinki’s familiar back within earshot, he called out.

“Hyung, I—”

“Oh, there you are,” the other turned around with a wide smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. "I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about me.” Jonghyun wondered if he’d ever been privy to it before, because there was nothing but sunshine in that smile. It glowed like gold and warmed his cheeks as if summer had landed on his face, resting against his skin after a long flight. He wondered if Jinki had ever shown him an expression like that before, and wondered if it would’ve made Jonghyun’s cold nights more bearable–had he been able to remember such a smile. He almost blushed, almost shied a little at the thought but the other pulled him over by his arm.

“We were just talking about you,” Jinki held the roses out for his host to take, and motioned a third man standing next to him; a scar on his eyebrow and a piercing in his lip. The newcomer looked from one to the other and gave a soft smile.

“Hi.”

Jonghyun squinted. “Hello, I’m so glad you could come,” he attempted, in a manoeuvre to identify who the other person was.

“It’s me,” the man said, as if it should’ve been obvious who he was by now. “Kim Kibum?”

“Oh,” Jonghyun’s nervousness cooled down. He shot the other a sheepish purse of the lips. “Hey. I meant it, Bummie. I’m glad you’re here.”

Kibum’s momentary coldness disappeared. “How have you been, Jjong?”

“Good,” he nodded. “Very good. So…” he took a deep breath. “I see you two have already met.”

“He’s been singing your praises for a while now,” Jinki assured. “And giving me some very interesting dirt on you in the process,” he teased.

“Dirt?” Jonghyun shot a worried look at Kibum. “Wh-what dirt?”

Jinki stared at him in disbelief for a moment. “I’m joking!” he laughed.

“Don’t mind him,” Kibum said. “He’s always like this. Always makes a mountain out of a molehill.”

“No, I don’t,” Jonghyun challenged, willing to argue over the fact.

“See?” and the other two giggled. “Anyway. This is a great house, Jjong. And a great party too,” Kibum placated. “I only wish there were some music, you know?”

“Yah, he’s already confused as it is, you want to add to the confusion?!” Minho appeared behind them on cue, carrying a tray heavy with refreshments for other guests. “Use your brain!”

“At least I have a brain to use!” Kibum retorted and Minho squealed with laughter, nearly spilling all his food. They all chuckled along.

“OK, you two have fun, I need to say hello to some more people,” Jonghyun bid them farewell, not wanting to to leave but also not wanting to stay. On his way, Minho took him aside and described a few visitors to him: told him their names and what they were wearing, just so he could avoid the discomfiture of meeting the same group of guests more than once. He nodded and tried to remember everything, tried to smile at everyone he passed, tried to give everyone his hellos and offer a drink to whoever asked about his health. He tried to enjoy himself, take pride in his new home and his old friends all gathering to celebrate it with him. He honestly tried.

Through it all, he made sure not to turn around and look back at the other two again. But when he was at the sliding door to the balcony, and the setting sun caught in his eyes, his gaze naturally strayed back to the place he’d last seen Kibum and Jinki. Kibum with Jinki. The sight made him feel bitter. One leaned on the other’s shoulder, guffawing. The other blushed and grinned, looked somewhat pleased with himself. Both seemed like they were in a world of their own, neither appeared to remember what brought them together.

And that’s when Jonghyun knew this party was long over.

——

But he didn’t give up.

The next chance he could find, he went out to their usual café on his lunch hour. He’d had to take a train and walk in the sun for fifteen minutes. By the time he’d arrived, his shirt was soaked in all the uncomfortable places. He loosened his tie and fanned himself with the menu. A few minutes later, a familiar frame walked over to him with a pot of coffee.

“Oh, hyung, how have you been? Sorry I meant to call after the party but there was so much to do an—”

“Ah… excuse me?” the server said in an odd, unfamiliar voice. A gravelly, discordant voice. “Do… we know each other?”

Jonghyun watched the man in growing shock. He blinked gawkily. “I—I’m sorry,” he bowed in his seat. “I thought you were someone else.”

“Ah, really?” the man said with clear skepticism. “Do they work here?”

“Y-yeah, I’m actually here to meet Jinki hyung?”

“Oh, no,” the server shook his head. “He doesn’t work the afternoon shift on Tuesdays. He’ll only be here after five. If you like, I could take a message to pass on to him,” the man offered, but not with any sincerity. The look on his face seemed to accuse Jonghyun of something. Something like insanity.

“No…” he declined, mortified and crestfallen. “That’s OK. Thank you.”

He didn’t return to work after the ordeal. He called in sick and went straight home, answering none of his co-worker’s perturbed questions. He didn’t bother picking up his bag from the office, didn’t even bother picking up his dinner from the usual dumpling house near the apartment block. On the subway, his phone buzzed but he ignored it. In the lift, someone greeted him pleasantly, but he paid them no heed. As soon as he was indoors, he locked himself up, drew all the curtains, took a hot shower, put on his softest pyjamas, lit a candle on his bed side table, and went to sleep.

——

“I’m sorry, I should’ve given you my number so you could contact me before you came over,” Jinki spoke in hushed tones. Between them sat a basket of fruits and a card that read get well soon! in English. Obviously, Minho had put him up to this.

“No, it’s my fault,” Jonghyun shook his head. “I wasn’t sure what I was thinking, dropping in like that.”

The other tilted his head but said nothing, as if waiting for him to elaborate. But there was nothing much to add. Jonghyun had tried to reach for something that was far out of his grasp. When his fingertips had made contact with it, he’d tried to swing his arm like the motion would help him find some purchase. But just like the time he tried to show off at the pull-up bars in high school, his grip grew sweaty and he slipped. The fall was hard, and the humiliation amplified the pain.

Jonghyun had made a fool of himself.

“I… just came to ask how the party was,” he shook his head. “Yeah,” he let out a chagrin-filled laugh when he saw the confusion on the other’s face. “It was stupid. Coming all the way to the other side of town for something stupid like that.” But he still looked at Jinki expectantly.

The man shook his head. “It… it was good. I—we all had fun, yeah—” he assured in a jumble. “I could tell you were meeting a lot of those people after a very long time, so they were happy to be here.”

“Yeah… that’s true.”

“Jong ah, what is…” the other slid off his stool. “What is this actually about?”

“Nothing,” Jonghyun chuckled it away, clapping his hands, rubbing them together in a habit from his disgraceful high school days. “But I’m happy you enjoyed yourself. And I could tell you liked meeting my friends, too,“ he nodded. "You’ve always been close to Minho, but you and Kibum seemed to really hit it off with each other that day,” he said in a tone that insinuated things he wasn’t willing to say.

“Jong,” Jinki nudged again, his tone constantly and unbearably calm. “What’s going on?”

He sighed, looking up at the ceiling like he’d find courage hidden there. His visitor walked around the kitchen island to close the distance between them, but Jonghyun stood and took a step back, motioning for Jinki to stay where he was. “Don’t,” he requested. “Please.”

Jinki’s expression took on a hint of helplessness. “Jong ah—”

“I want something,” he was cut off. “From you,” Jonghyun emphasized to put his point forward, gulping. “I want you to give me something that is unreasonable to ask for, and that’s why I act like an idiot.” He let out an exhale that came with the reprieve of confession. “I want you to give me this thing, and I want you to give it to me unconditionally—no, hyung! Hyung,” he cautioned. “Don’t come any closer, let me finish.”

The other sighed heavily. Jonghyun’s own breath had sped up by a large measure.

“I can’t say, that… that I can give you anything in return for that something,” he shook his head. “I can’t say I can make you happy, because,” his eyes burned at the sound of his words. “Because I have never made anyone happy. Least of all, myself,” he let out a mirthless laugh. “I can’t say that I can give you everything I have, because I have nothing.”

Jinki carefully walked forward at that, regardless of all warnings. “What do you want?” he whispered when they were an arm’s length away. It was getting late in the day, and the kitchen was slowly being flooded by darkness. Deep shadows played on the man’s face. “Tell me what you want.”

“You couldn’t give it to me, even if you wanted to,” Jonghyun looked away. “I mean, Kibum tried and look what happened—”

“Why do you keep bringing him up?” the other scolded.

Jonghyun turned back to him with incredulity. “Do you really not get it?” he looked from one amber eye to the other and found no trace of cruelty in them. Jinki wasn’t playing games with him, he was genuinely clueless.

“Hyung, Kibum and I were together for a long time.”

“I gathered.”

“Then do you know why we went our separate ways?” Jonghyun straightened up to his full height. “Do you know what fucked us up?”

“No, and I don’t really care—”

“It was me,” Jonghyun told him anyway, anger finding its way to the edges of his words. “I constantly mistook other men for Kibum and it ruined our relationship and… and once I kissed someone else. And I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Jinki said nothing.

“Do you understand what that means?”

“… Jong ah,”

“It means that no matter how faithful I want to be to someone, no matter how much I love someone, no matter what I do to try and not fuck it up?” his voice broke against his tears. “I fail. I fail all the time. And everyone knows that,” he defined angrily. “Every single person who has ever met me, knows that. And I have to look at their faces when they realize it, over and over. I have to see them think it when they find out what I am, and that—” he sobbed. “And that is why I can’t ask you.”

Jinki pulled him into a hug then but was immediately rejected. “Hey,” he tried again, slower, softer. But when Jonghyun violently fought him off a second and third time, he gripped the man’s arms hard and trapped him against the kitchen counter. “Sto—stop it!” he yelled.

Jonghyun sagged against him then, quaking like a child.

——

“I’ll give you whatever you want,” Jinki agreed.

They’d ended up lying on the carpet of the living room, feet pointing in opposite directions and temples nearly touching each other. Jonghyun was calmer now, arms crossed over his chest as it moved with his breathing. But his nose still sniffled and a stray tear or two still dripped to his ears. He’d wipe each of them away, just so Jinki wouldn’t have to worry about it.

“I’ll be with you, Jong ah, but you need to make some changes in your life,” the man said.

He nodded wordlessly. He approved of that sentiment. “Yeah.”

“First, I want you to see a therapist—no, hear me out,” Jinki tamped out the protest Jonghyun started to make. “I want to help you, I really do. But I can’t help you with everything. Some of this stuff… Jong, some of the things you feel are really powerful, and they’re eating you up from the inside. There is a way to deal with them, but I don’t know it. You need professional advice to face those feelings. Do you think that’s reasonable?”

He didn’t want to admit defeat, because that’s what it felt like he was doing. Therapy was always seen as a last resort, a shameful alternative to being fine. Being whole and perfect and happy. He wanted to stop thinking of it with the narrow-mindedness of society. It was difficult. It was tough to accept. But he would certainly try, on Jinki’s insistence. “OK.”

“Good,” the other turned his head, their faces close enough to lean in for a kiss. But Jinki didn’t attempt, and Jonghyun didn’t seek. “Second, I want you to remember that you are not alone,” he felt around for Jonghyun’s phone and saved himself as a contact. “Now you can reach me whenever you like. Even if you’re bored and want someone to talk to. Call me anytime, alright?”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I want you to just remember that I’m here for you.”

Jonghyun turned too, this time. Their eyes met and stayed met for a long series of moments. “Thank you,” he whispered again, between them.

——

With several months behind them, their lives—and schedules—plateaued into each other.

Saturday morning was still dedicated to badminton and lunch at the café. Jinki still served them but lingered to chat with Jonghyun, sometimes playing with his hand, other times giving him a complimentary slice of cheesecake. Minho would whine things like unfair and I want to date someone too, and they’d giggle about it later.

After a lot of scheduling, cancelling, and rescheduling, Jonghyun settled for therapy sessions every Monday straight after work. He stuck to the routine no matter how shameful it felt to admit the fact to his family and close friends.

Wednesday nights, they would meet at the apartment where one watched TV and another worked on his portfolio for university applications. Sometimes, when the weather was pleasant, they went for walks along Cheonggyecheon. Sometimes, they invited Taemin and Naeun out on double dates. Sometimes, they just sat on the floor and played board games.

Most of the time, Jinki was close and listening attentively.

Jonghyun was happier. He could honestly say that, with no embellishment and no stretching of the truth. He felt lighter than he had in months. His mind was clearer, and he was able to make more of an effort at recognizing faces – putting names against voices, hair, mannerisms. His self-confidence would rocket every time he guessed correctly, and the few mistakes he made never weighed him down. He’d actively made an attempt to forgive himself, to move on from his slip-ups and not carry them around with himself. He was happier.

But he didn’t want to stop here. He wanted to keep moving forward. He wanted to keep climbing. And he decided to bring it up at dinner one Wednesday.

“So, the voice thing,” Jinki said as he polished all the food off his plate. “Tell me how it works. I’m curious,” he questioned while munching through a mouthful of side-dishes.

“It’s easy,” Jonghyun shrugged, hissing at something spicy. “I just connect peoples voices with images that remind me of them. For example, Taemin,” he explained. “We lived in the same neighborhood as children, and he used to own this… huge colorful beach ball,” he motioned with his hands. “Everyone wanted to be friends with him because everyone loved that ball. So, when I hear a voice, and it sounds lively and fun, I’m immediately reminded of that ridiculous beach ball. And that’s how I know it’s Taemin.”

Jinki smiled, nodding his comprehension as he settled back into his chair. “What about the others?”

“Minho sounds lazy. Warm and lazy, like wool and hot chocolate.”

“Well, he does like his scarves.”

They shared a laugh at that. “Yeah, he does.”

"I’m sure his wardrobe is filled with them and nothing else.”

“Kibum is like… well, his breath always smelled of cigarettes when we were dating, and he used to wear a lot of silver rings. So I know when I hear something cutting or sharp, it’s him.”

“You do him so much justice,” Jinki chortled.

“Hey, you only met him for a couple of hours. Get to know him a little, and you’ll see what I mean.”

“Heh,” the other was amused. “What about me, then?” he asked, leaning forward on an elbow, looking sleepy and tired after all the time he’d put into his applications that night. “What do I remind you of?”

“I…” Jonghyun blushed. “I don’t want to say, because you might think I’m silly.”

“This is reverse psychology. Now I want to know!”

They giggled. “You’re like…” he pursed his lips. “You’re like a silk worm.”

“Wow, harsh.”

“No, no, hear me out:” Jonghyun rushed to clarify, chuckling and holding the other’s wrist. “You know how silkworms work really really hard so they can produce little pieces of string? String that we then collect and make into something beautiful? Yeah… you’re like that. You work hard on whatever you do. And it ultimately gives people happiness.”

Jinki watched him with an adoring smile. “You really know how to impress me, don’t you?”

“You’re here, aren’t you?” Jonghyun said, trying to act charming but immediately breaking into a fit of laughter at himself. The other watched him for a while, matching his mirth. And suddenly the urge to lean across the island for a kiss intensified. But in the six months they’d been together, they hadn’t tried to get too attached. There was a mutual unspoken pact that they didn’t want to rush into anything. Things needed to move slowly, not on impulse. And although Jonghyun’s last relationship had been long and deeply intimate, this contrast in pace was pleasant. Beyond holding hands, he decided to respect the distance as best as he could. “Hyung,” he said in place of it.

“Hmm.”

“Let’s go on a trip together.”

“Sure, where?”

“I…” Jonghyun hesitated, trying hard not to sound too forward. “I really want to go to a nice resort somewhere. Maybe Fiji?”

“Ah…” Jinki looked unnerved. “Jong ah, hyung doesn’t have that kind of money…”

“It’ll be a gift,” the offer gushed out. “From me to you. I-I mean—” he faltered. “You’re going to start university next year, and we may not see each other as often anymore. This could be a… going away present?”

Jinki licked his lips, seeming a little worried. “Jong, the university is right here. In Seoul.”

“Yeah, I know but—”

“And it’s a generous offer, really, it is. Thank you, I’m… I’m flattered that you would want to go away on an island vacation with me. Really, thank you.”

Jonghyun blinked. “But?”

“But…“ Jinki blinked. "I need to think about it. It’s a lot to consider, I hope you understand?”

“Hmm…”

“It doesn’t mean I don’t want to go with you. Trust me, if I could drop everything right now and leave, I would.”

“I’m sorry. I… seem to have burdened you with something unnecessary again,” Jonghyun said sheepishly.

But Jinki didn’t reply. He shook his head with a muttered this person, walked around the table and embraced the other’s forehead to his stomach.

—–

Jinki did say yes in the end, acquiescing on the condition that he be loaned his half of the expenses. Jonghyun had wasted no time in booking flights and accommodation, then.

To be quite honest, he had wasted some time jumping around the apartment like an excited child. He’d skipped through the kitchen, slid down the railing of the stairs, done a little jig in the living room–tripped and nearly hurt himself on the corner of the centre table, too. But the holiday was to happen, that much was certain, and now he felt like he was filled with air: light, warm, soothed like the sighs of an admirer.

He kept the expenses low, out of consideration for the other. But he also didn’t stinge on where they stayed, and how long they stayed for. On their first day in Fiji, a private ferry picked them up at the port and an hour later dropped them off outside a quiet little cottage, concealed on all sides by large bursts of vegetation. Jinki looked undeniably amazed when he stepped out onto the sand, and Jonghyun simply ran up to what would be their home for the next two weeks, flailing his arms and rolling on tufts of dry grass — willing to appear childish now that no eyes could see him.

They spent their mornings gorging on the breakfast buffet, spent their afternoons snorkeling or kayaking in the ocean. And at night, when the crickets were singing outside, Jinki would bring out his laptop so they could watch a movie under shared blankets.

On his part, Jinki never left Jonghyun by himself for longer than necessary. He would have friendly conversations with the people they met on the trip, and he would make additional bookings or requests on their behalf. Jonghyun didn’t mind being a passenger in those situations. There was no loss of autonomy in it, he realized. It was the other’s way of protecting him. And he was grateful. He felt an odd sense of safety.

——

On the last evening of their trip, they sat down by the shore. Waves lapped on the sand and turned to froth against their toes. Jonghyun hugged his knees and Jinki brought out a pair of beer cans, their fourth… or no. Maybe their fifth of the night. In the distance, the last ferry ride of the day drifted out to the mainland, only visible by the lights on its front and the din of its engine.

“I could live in a place like this.” It didn’t matter who breathed those words out into the cool air. They both felt it: in different ways, in varying degrees. Where one envied the isolation of an island, the other loved the way silence reigned over it. One enjoyed the feeling of sand against his naked heels, the other missed the sun baking his bare shoulders. One could float on the undulating ocean forever, another could fall sleep in the shade of mango trees. Jonghyun could’ve stayed and if Jinki had the courage to, he would’ve also forgone leaving here. But the renouncement of something would never come without the sacrifice of something else. They knew this, and they spoke it to each other. Silently. Between sips of cold beer and grips around condensation.

“Thank you,” Jinki suddenly hushed. “For bringing me here. For showing me things I would’ve probably never seen.”

Jonghyun shook his head. “If you’d never said yes, I wouldn’t be here, either. So I should be thanking you,” he turned and smiled, leaning his chin on his arm. When the other returned the smile, he dipped his face shyly, hiding it behind the inside of his elbow. And the thought that he may be drunk occurred to him. The buzz in his cheeks flushed down his neck and into his chest. His skin fizzed with excitement, his lungs coursed with anticipation

“Let’s go for a swim,” he said. The disbelieving pause between him slipping off his shirt and Jinki’s startled eh?! was long, and a little funny. Jonghyun chuckled, dizzy with the emotion, high off of more than alcohol. “Come, hyung,” he beckoned, tilting his head to the water.

“You know there’s going to be all sorts of stuff in the water now, right?”

“That’s OK,” Jonghyun had been really worried about stepping on fish when they went snorkeling in the daytime. He’d even yelled out when he accidentally squished a sea cucumber. But now. No fear resided in his gut anymore, just a heavy pulse. To keep going. To keep stripping.

If Jinki felt any shame from seeing his host unclothed, he didn’t show it. He followed Jonghyun’s face with his sight, first in confusion and then in curiosity. “Wait…” he tried when the other began to walk in. “Wait, you’re drunk.” But he threw off his clothes as well, following close behind.

The water was cold, the tide gentle as it lapped their ankles their thighs their waists. The moon shone over them, its light folding them in cool blankets. Jonghyun stared up at it as he walked then swam. He turned to connect his eyes with Jinki once: not to check if he was still there, just to assure him that he wanted this. Wanted to be followed. Wanted to be chased. Wanted to be caught.

Jinki’s gaze seemed to understand.

They swam for a while, first in a line and then at a point. One stopped and the other continued, cutting the water in a diminishing spiral. One looked and the other looked back. One thought he was drowning and the other knew they were soaring. One stalled, swirled, kept himself afloat. Waiting. The other moved, dived, approached as if from all sides. Wanting.

They waded deep enough that their feet stopped touching the sand. Jinki’s circling stopped, too. He swum to a halt in front of a sobbing Jonghyun. It was only them riding those waves, then. Only Jinki, only Jonghyun, and only the moonlight wavering between them on the water.

“Why are you sad?” Jinki asked. His voice was tender, the words seeming to cradle Jonghyun in their arms.

“Because,” he said, laughing and weeping all at the same time. “Because I can see you. Clearly. And I know you. I know in my gut, to give you a name. To give you your identity. I…” Jonghyun shook his head, bringing his hand out the water to wipe his face and drenching it further. “I know exactly who you are. Right now. In this second. And–” he cried. “And I’m sad because this second won’t stay. It will go away it will never come back and I don’t want that, I don’t want to leave this time I just–”

“Then let’s stop time,” Jinki said before he swallowed Jonghyun into a gasping kiss and the water swallowed their bodies whole.

——

It had been written on the sand of Jinki’s island. It had been scrawled on the beach, scratched on the rocks that fell towards Jonghyun’s sea.

It had been written that they would meet like this, when one eroded and the other abated.

It had been written a long time ago that they would meet when Jonghyun washed to the shore, flung to land by the waves. Jinki had been waiting ready, with his arms open to catch him.

It had been written that their lives would be pulled together like sticks bound in rope. That they would float and drown together, as driftwood, every morning. And when dusk finally came they would swim. Home. To the place they built. Dug into the ground and poured in like cement that dries even when the monsoon comes. Even when showers flood and lighting crashes it was written they would be held. As one. As together. As Jinki and Jonghyun.

And when the sun set. When the moon danced into view it was written that they would spin. They would roll their memories together like dough between their hands, flatten them into the circle of time before throwing them up into the sky. At the stars. At the universe. Into Jonghyun’s sea where they dissolved and disappeared. Absorbed into his tongue where he could always reach them but never bring them to his lips. It was written that Jinki would step aside when Jonghyun fell back into the water. When he swum out with the determination of getting away from the island. From his survival. From Jinki. It was written he would be given way. Despite the fear of his never returning. Despite the fear that time would start turning again and twist in their chests with pain.

It was written that life would draw messages on the beach, reminding them of the second their chests pressed together and their breath danced in the middle of folding lips. Even as the waves washed everything away, over and over. The memory was drawn until life broke its stick. And left them to maneuver through their splashing night and their blushing morning.

——

A year passed.

It was time for Jinki to go to university. They’d moved in together some months prior. Jinki had fought the suggestion hard but when he noticed how expensive rent could get in the university area, he was defeated. Jonghyun had reasoned it would still give them time together, even with work and studies. "It’ll be good for us, hyung,” he’d insisted.

And it was the truth.

Every day Jinki slowly brought in more of his things and every night Jonghyun made more and more room for him in the previously bare apartment until it felt full. Full of things, full of memories, full of happiness. And with every addition Jonghyun felt fuller too. Even if Jinki complained his things were a little scruffy or a little tattered, he didn’t mind. He bought new sheets and new quilts. He bought a second pair of pillows. He bought a set of drawers for the other’s clothes. He bought more cutlery to share. He bought everything they would need to go from being more than one. More than just him.

Every morning Jonghyun spoke a soft, “hyung?” to confirm if it really was Jinki lying next to him. Some days the other joked and said something silly like, “No, it’s your conscience.” Some days a soft kiss would be answer enough. Some other, rare days, Jonghyun would cry and hide his face in his pillow, feeling frustrated that he couldn’t even identify the man he lived with. The man he loved and was obviously loved by in return. Jinki stayed by his side for a long time on those mornings, hushing and comforting him, never tiring of him, never complaining or walking away.

“You’re sure about this?” he asked one afternoon as they lazed on the sofa.

Jonghyun said nothing, snuggling up to the other. He wasn’t sure about it at all. He felt no certainty in letting another person into his space. The space he had guarded fervently up until Jinki had knocked on the door and held out a bunch of red roses. He wasn’t sure. But he would remain unsure until they tried. And that was all this was. Trying. To be happy, to be whole, to start again. That was all this was. He said nothing as Jinki put an arm around him and kissed the back of his head. He gave and gave and Jinki received and accepted until at some point in their cohabitation. On some mundane morning as he sat in the train to work, Jonghyun wondered if he was a little Jinki, now. If the man he shared his apartment with was in actuality, half-Jonghyun.

He thought about it all day, all through work, even all through the night when they met and hugged and kissed and ate dinner. He thought about it when the other held him close in bed, gripped him hard, pressed a pair of soft lips to his ear and showered him with compliments as he moved deep inside him. He thought about it in his breaking voice and his scratching fingers and his peaking moans–maybe he wasn’t himself. Maybe the other wasn’t himself, either. Maybe they became each other’s, on a dark and sandy beach in the middle of an ocean. Maybe they melded, became an alloy. A Jinki-Jonghyun that couldn’t be separated with ease. He wondered even after they came back down from their high, the sheets as sweaty as their foreheads, the bed as creaky as their thighs, the air as balmy as their breath.

“You’re sure about this?” Jinki asked again, several times. And Jonghyun never answered. But the response slowly blossomed in his chest as the days became months.

His life had less uncertainties in their time together. Even when work became hectic and university took up all the time they could’ve spent in each other’s arms. Even then, Jonghyun grew less unsure. Less negative. Less unstable on his feet when looking at faces and listening to voices. He knew that the clatter of plates in the kitchen was Jinki. Or the sound of music in the late afternoon was Jinki. The jangle of keys at the door was Jinki and even the hushed sigh behind him in bed was Jinki. Even if he didn’t always recognize the things he should’ve–the picture of his mother, the friends on his phone, the sound of his own heart. Even if all that fell to unfamiliarity, Jinki never did. Not his summery grins, not his happy clap, not his hot kisses or his rippling muscles.

A year passed.

But Minho continued his complaints. “How come no one will date me?” he stamped his feet as they finished their run in he park. “I’m cute! Hyung, am I not cute?” he demanded of Jinki.

“Adorable,” the other panted, bending over and supporting himself on his knees. “How is he not tired…?!” he said incredulously.

Jonghyun cringed and wiped his brow, but glared at the tall man, the stitch in his side making him unable to answer back.

A year passed.

But Taemin and his wife still met them, often. They would eat and go for walks and sometimes. Sometimes Jonghyun would listen to the sounds of the baby in Naeun’s belly, closing his eyes and giggling. Imagining who the child would take after, even if their faces never registered in his mind. And then he imagined what Jinki would look like holding it. Holding any child, cradling it and humming it to sleep. He would feel warm at the image of sturdy arms around a delicate bundle of blankets.

A year passed.

Sometimes the thought of Kibum would still interfere with his mind. Make him remember the things he was ashamed of, things that embarrassed him still. Things he wished he could forget as easily as the faces surrounding him, but was slapped by on his worst days. And he fought Jinki over it. Birthed arguments from stupid things like forgetting to switch off lights or leaving a dirty spoon on the counter. He yelled and screamed and cried his eyes out while Jinki waited quietly for him to finish. Then he sobbed against the man’s chest, being soothed and being led to bed, being comforted to sleep it all off.

A year passed.

And it wasn’t a perfect year. It wasn’t always happy. It wasn’t always a bed of roses. But it passed regardless. And while Jonghyun still couldn’t tell people apart, still had to listen closely in important meetings and critical situations. Even if that was still as it had always been, he was different. He was no longer just Jonghyun. He was more.

#jongyu #long fic #au #shinee

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dualitysdownfall · 6 years ago

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I’ve come to make an announcement

Shadow the Hedgeho—I’m just kidding.

I actually wanted to say that today, February 2, 2019, marks one year of my participation in the Portal fandom! So I’m gonna babble about it and you can totally ignore it if you really want to.

Firstly, I know it is today for certain because that night (a year ago today, I mean) I was listening to GLaDOS’s voice lines while I sketched out my first-ever android designs for her. I signed them with the date. Things like your first-ever fan art for a completely new fandom you can’t NOT write the date on. (That and I just like knowing when all my art is from.)

I owe my knowledge of Portal as a whole, and that first spark of interest in it, to @snapscube and @chongoblog without whose glorious, glorious Portal 2 series I wouldn’t have been suddenly intrigued by what I heard from the game (I had to rewatch the video to hear their good jokes. Both times through were well worth it) and encouraged to seek out the rest of the game as soon as possible. And thus began a deep new obsession, a year and counting.

Portal re-sparked my interest in writing fanfiction sufficiently enough to result in multiple projects that actually got posted online. It also resulted in my first fandom-specific sideblog that actually contained contributions and creations of my own @aperturesciencecoreresearchteam. I found wonderful internet friends (such as @tacothehawko @cave-science-johnson @beth-the-robot-enthusiast just to name a few). I joined some great Discord servers and witnessed (and assisted in) a lot of terribl(y hilarious!) shitposting. I created an OC for the series whose story I am excited to flesh out and publish. I fell hopelessly and madly in love with a homicidal robot (I love her so much, but I’m glad she’s fictional or else I’d already be dead haha) and have had lots of feelings about her, and about Portal Stories: Mel. I took up the nickname “Cube” on Discord, after the Companion Cube, and was introduced to my favorite song (Want You Gone) and have memorized the tone and inflection of soooo many voice lines.

Basically, what I am saying is, Portal is one of my favorite things right now and has been for a whole year now and likely will be for a good while longer, it affects a lot of my life and I love it a lot and the one thing I regret is not checking it out sooner. Thanks for a whole wonderful Science-filled year, here’s to another! 🧡💙🧡💙

#portal #portal 2 #harper babbles

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oatsn-honey · 6 years ago

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simple words

Masterlist

Summary: Zelda was concerned for him -- he had been awfully quiet that day. She wondered, "Is this the breaking point?" (zelink, post-botw, zelda pov)

Hiya! So, I just got botw, and I am now officially o b s e s s e d (seriously, send help). I thought that I would give writing for this amazing game a shot, so without further delay, enjoy!

~~~~~~

We had been sitting outside his home for a while, listening to the fire crackling and watching the sun slowly disappear off the horizon. While it was indeed serine, I still worried. He had been awfully quiet today -- since the fall of the poisoning malice, he had begun to open up more, acting silly and showing his emotions. I tapped my wooden pencil against my leather-bound notebook, sighing softly and turning to gaze at him. His knees were pulled up to his chest, and he had his arms wrapped around them. His head rested against his knees, disheveled blonde hair cascading down.

I stared a while longer, my eyebrows furrowing, studying how the fading sunlight illuminated his body’s outline and grazed his face with ethereal glow, bouncing from his freckled skin. I turned to a blank page in my notebook, hoping to capture the picture. I bit the inside of my cheek, and with silent fervor began to doodle. I managed to finish sketching out the drawing just as the first stars began to litter the sky. I wanted desperately to show him, but felt off about doing so. So instead, after refining the drawing somewhat, I began to aimlessly map out some Guardian parts.

Suddenly, accentuated with a shaky breath, he turns to me, “Zelda,” he whispers, glancing up at me through his long bangs, “Do you ever feel your chest and heart convulse with the need to cry… but you just… can’t?” I inhaled sharply, surprised by his abrupt words, but remained silent. I could tell there was something else he wanted to say.

I stealthily slid closer to him, leaving my book and pencil behind. My body gently nudged his, and I felt him flinch, but I did not back away. “W-well, I guess I do know what you mean,” I started awkwardly, gulping, “kind of.” He spared me a questioning look. I continued, “What makes you feel this way, Link?” I knew I was never the best at providing comfort to others, but I would try. Before he could start speaking, I tagged on a firm, but kind reminder, “I’m always here to listen to you.”

He hid away, his words muffled, “I-I just… I’m- I’m so l-lonely,” he stuttered, voice weak. “I don’t even know w-why. I have you, and- and I just…,” his voice broke, “I’m so…”

My lips made a grim line. Sighing softly, my silky strands moving with the exhalation of breath, I closed the small gap between us, my hand nudging his leg. Several silent moments passed.

Eventually, my fingers brushed his cheek. I tenderly cupped his face, and he lifted his head just enough for his eyes to peek through his messy bangs. We locked gazes and I stared, entranced, into his ocean orbs, the sea color crashing with waves of built up emotions trying to spill over the edge of a wall. Tears pooled in the corners, and I felt my stomach clench and heart ache. He took a shuddering breath. “Zelda, I’m so sad.”

I dropped my hand from his freckle-splattered cheek and I swallowed, unsure of what to say, “I-I’m,” I snapped my mouth closed. My silence was deafening, and soon he was curling further into himself, shoulders quaking as silent cries racked his body. Tears dripped slowly down my face as I stared at my trembling hands. What was I supposed to do?

I couldn’t take it anymore. I launched myself forward, wrapping my arms around his shaking body and pulling him into me, “Link, Link, I’m so sorry,” I whispered into his hair as he clutched the front of my shirt.

The dam broke. Tears spurted from his eyes and his body trembled with labored, rapid breathing. He rubbed his palms on his face, sobs racking his body and making his voice jump, “Zelda, help, I’m tired of being sad! I’m tired of feeling alone! Nothing matters and everything matters! Everyday is a struggle, and I just can’t keep going! I-I,” He choked on his words leaning into my embrace, “I’m not good enough! Everything is always my fault! Maybe if I had trained harder or had been more careful, none of this would’ve happened -- I would’ve stopped Ganon one hundred years ago, and then maybe-maybe I wouldn’t be so lonely!” He tried to breathe, chest heaving.

“I’m so afraid. And I’m so confused.” He weeped into my shirt, soaking it with his tears.

“I know,” I uttered, trying to silence my own crying.

“Where are all of these emotions coming from?! There are so many of them!” He yelled, causing my heart to wrench painfully.

“I-I know.”

“They’re eating me up! Controlling my life! They make my heart burn, and they make me sick,” He gasped into my drenched shirt, “I make myself sick. I hate myself so much. Why am I even alive? I don’t want to live like this anymore, I don’t want to live, I-” He couldn’t say anymore, and curled into me, hands clenching the material of my clothes tighter. After several minutes of grieving, with whimpers falling from his lips, he spoke hoarsely, “What do I do, Zelda?”

“I don’t know,” I sniveled, failure and helplessness bubbling in my chest. I hugged him tighter, crying into his golden locks.

He looked up at me, eyes swollen and bloodshot, tears dripping from his chin, face flushed, and eyes so pained, and breathed, “I just want to be happy.”

~~~~~~

“Zelda, I’m so sad,” Is what he had said, broken down and sobbing openly for the first time in our long lives. I had told him, “I know,” and tried to convince him (and myself) that I truly understood what was happening. But, did I? I don’t think I did fully, no. I was confused, just as he, and didn’t know how to help. I had certainly felt that, the helplessness, before. Perhaps it was the most common emotion in my life. But, knowing that I had no way to provide true, immediate comfort to my friend, my love, was truly heartbreaking. Even more so, I had to accept that these feelings of his weren’t new, certainly not. They had been present long before the Calamity. He had been suffering this for longer than he could literally remember. And I was utterly oblivious. That was the epitome of uselessness.

~~~~~~

Dismal. Sorrowful. Despairing. Despondent. Heartbroken. Distressed. Doleful. Grieved. Somber. Wistful. Dejected.

There were so many words he could’ve used. So many words that conveyed so much more. But, he said “I’m so sad.” Sad. What does that word even mean? What does it mean to be truly sad? The way it seemed to me, that small snippet of a word was a mashed up combination of every word, and so many more, listed above that could only be described as the word it was; sad.

That three letter word held more power than the Calamity itself. It could break the strongest of soldiers with a single, undetectable blow. Did it break my knight? I wondered if there was any word that was strong enough to combat it. A word capable of overpowering it and bring another simple word to light; happy. That was another word he had used -- “I just want to be happy.”

Could a word even simpler than sad prevail? That would be the test, the hope. For the word that was put against the formidable three letters was I. I would fight his sadness. I was determined to see him smile and hear him laugh. I was going to piece him back together, even if it was the last thing I did. I was going to love Link. And he was going to be happy.

~~~~~~

Hopefully it wasn't too sad haha. Also, this is a bit of an experiment, because I’ve never written in a character’s pov, so hopefully it wasn’t too bad. To be honest, this was a vent fic I wrote at 3 am, so I don't expect it to be all that good. But, I do have another Zelda fic coming out, so stay tuned! Well, that's all for today. Have a great day, and eat and drink plenty! <3

(p.s. let me know if you're interested in a second chapter for this)

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miraculousmumma · 6 years ago

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Designs On You - Chapter Three - What Sundays Were Made For

Characters: Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir, Marinette Dupain-Cheng/Ladybug, Alya Césaire, Nino Lahiffe, all of the class really, Tom Dupain, Sabine Cheng, Nadja Chamack, Gabriel Agreste, Nathalie Sancoer

Pairings: Adrien/Marinette, Chat Noir/Marinette

Warnings: A little angst, a little fluff, a little swearing, a little kissing, an orchid

Word Count: 25,825 (17 chapters)

Summary: When Chat Noir comes across Marinette sitting alone in the park sketching late at night, he offers to see her home safely. What starts as a simple conversation between them quickly develops into something more that leaves both sides of their personas confused about their feelings.

Sunday was peaceful and uneventful, Marinette’s mom made a meal for them to share and after they watched a movie, just having some family time together.

For Adrien it was quite the opposite. The peace and uneventfulness was tedious and lonely, and he counted down the hours before he felt it would be acceptable to call on Marinette again. She had said he could come whenever he wanted, and he wanted to go the moment he woke up, just so he could see if he could convince her to give him, Adrien, the waistcoat. He’d wear it proudly, and he hoped it would help Marinette get over whatever her problem was when it came to dealing with him. Whatever it was it embarrassed her. He was sure they’d cleared the air over the gum incident, that was three years ago now, and while she was sweet, and they hung out, there was definitely something that he couldn’t put his finger on. Maybe he should make the first move and give her a gift, and that thought gave him another couple of ideas. One wasn’t something he could implement tonight, but eventually, some time during the week perhaps, but it really hinged on him getting the waistcoat in the first place.

Night began to fall and he knew he would be left to his own devices and he transformed, sneaking out of his window and onto the rooftops, making one brief stop on his way, his feet finally landing silently on her balcony, finding the fairy lights above lit, and his princess curled up in her lawn chair, reading a book and wrapped up in a blanket.

‘When I said whenever I really didn’t expect the next night.’ She said quietly without looking away from her book.

He came and crouched beside her, one hand behind his back. ‘You invite me back for more desserts of that calibre and I’m not likely to leave any time soon.’ He purred, tilting his head as he read the title of her book.

‘Literacy homework.’ She held the cover in the light so he could read it easier.

‘Shakespeare?’

‘Isn’t it always?’

He tilted his head, having read the passage earlier that they had been asked to, trying to remember how it started. ‘Love sought is good, but giv’n unsought is better.’

She looked at him in surprise. ‘You know Twelfth Night?’

‘A bit.’ He shrugged.

‘Maybe you should be my new study buddy.’ She laid the book in her lap and stretched. ‘Dessert?’

His grin broadened. ‘Please, princess. Oh, wait.’ He brought his hand around from behind his back and presented her with the small ribbon tied box.

‘What’s this?’ She sat up, and he forced the box into her hand.

‘It’s a gift. It’s my way of thanking you for last night.’

‘But you did more for me than I did for you.’ She argued, trying to force the box back into his hands, but he avoided her.

‘Take it. Open it.’ He insisted.

She sighed but untied the ribbon, lifting the lid and finding inside a polished stone, yellow in colour with a white line down the centre. ‘Wow.’ She whispered, holding it up to examine it in the light.

‘It’s a cats eye gem.’ He explained, leaning on the chair beside her thigh so he too could see it clearer. ‘It’s for good luck and fortune.’

‘It’s beautiful, thank you, minou.’ She said, genuinely touched by it, and she leant forward and rested her hand on his shoulder, kissing his cheek on instinct, forgetting for a moment she wasn’t supposed to know him that well.

‘Oh, uh haha!’ He laughed nervously, hoping the dim lighting hid the fact he was blushing. ‘You’re welcome, it’s just a little something. Didn’t it make you feel good though?’

‘What?’ She looked at him in surprise, wondering what he meant by that. Sure, the kiss had been good, just a peck on the cheek, but what was he implying?

‘The gift? It made you feel good.’ He clarified.

‘Yes!’ She said quickly. ‘Good enough that you deserve a double portion of chocolate cheesecake.’ She pushed off the blanket and got to her feet, and he followed her to the hatch into her room, waiting for her to beckon him in before following. ‘My parents are in bed already, so I’ll just sneak down to the kitchen and grab it. Make yourself at home, and I don’t mean destroy my yarn and knock things off my countertop.’ She waved a teasing finger at him.

He went and sat on her chaise, as they had the night before, glancing around her room now that he properly had the time, and his eyes drifted to the pictures on the wall behind her computer, and he squinted slightly as his brain tried to make sense of why they were so familiar and, oh, there we go. Wow, that was a whole lot of him.

It was obvious she loved the Gabriel brand from all the pictures of various styles she had on the wall of him modelling. He knew she did anyway, but maybe that was a clue as to why she was so awkward around him, that he was Gabriel Agreste’s son, and she idolised the designer, although he really didn’t understand why. Sure, his father was a great designer, but he wasn’t exactly a stand up human being in any other respect. Lost in thought, he didn’t hear Marinette coming back through the hatch, and only realised she was there when she sat beside him, passing him a plate with an enormous piece of marbled white and dark chocolate cheesecake on it, a small flower of fresh cream on the top, and dessert fork on his plate.

‘Dig in.’ She nudged him, taking a piece from her more modest serving and popping it into her mouth.

He flashed her a grateful smile then did as she suggested and… ‘Oh meow God.’ He murmured.

‘Good, right?’ She asked unnecessarily.

‘This is the best dessert I ever tasted!’

‘It’s Papa’s special recipe.’ She told him, smiling at how enthusiastic he was. ‘If it starts to get a bit sickly let me know and I can box the rest up for you to take home.’

‘Do you sell this in the bakery?’ He asked between bites.

‘Sometimes, not often, but it always sells out really fast when we do. Papa made this today because was Maman’s birthday during the week but we were too busy to have much of a celebration. We delayed dessert until today.’

‘This is your mother’s special birthday dessert and you’re sharing it with me?’

‘Sure. We won’t eat it all. Papa’s a baker, he only ever makes party size servings.’

They ate in silence for a few minutes before Chat finally spoke again. ‘Thank you, for the dessert. And for letting me in.’

‘Letting you in?’ She frowned, not understanding.

‘Your room. Not many girls would take a leather-clad cat boy off the street and feed them. Not without wanting something in return.’

‘I made you model a waistcoat.’ She reminded him.

‘That was hardly a hardship.’ He scoffed. ‘That was a pleasure. Speaking of, did you think about what you’re going to do with it?’

‘Shove it in the closet with the other things?’ She suggested, and he shook his head firmly.

‘You should give it to him.’

‘What if he doesn’t like it? What if he thinks it’s weird?’

‘He’ll love it.’ Chat promised. ‘And he won’t think it’s weird. Maybe out of the blue, but not weird. Did it make you feel good, when I thanked you for the cheesecake?’ He asked, tapping his fork on her plate.

‘I guess. I love you enthusiasm for food.’ She admitted.

‘And did you feel good when I gave you the cats eye?’

She nodded. ‘Very surprised, but I’m flattered you got me anything.’

‘Then there’s your answer.’ He waved the fork with a flourish. ‘If you give him the waistcoat you’ll both feel good. There’s no harm in that.’

‘Chat…’ She began to argue.

‘Please, purrrrr-incess?’ He batted his eyelids at her.

‘Ugh, okay, fine.’ She waved her fork in his direction. ‘But you have to help me pack it up and wrap it.’

‘It would be my pleasure.’ He grinned, happy he got his way.

#miraculous #miraculous fanfic #miraculous ladybug #miraculous fan fic #mlb #mlb fanfiction #Designs on you #identity reveal #Marichat

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sagastar-blog · 7 years ago

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MemoToTheMetaVerse 4.1, “Copernamici: A GAME TO SAVE EARTH”

Gaia: Daddy, post some of the Copernamici data!

Jeff: Should I edit it first or at al?

Gaia: Very funny. Drop it.

What follows is a transcript of a scientific game played between Gaia, Lucius, and Jeff, known Interdimensional-galactically as Copernamici: A Game to Save The World.

The point of Copernamici is to enjoy the human activity of stargazing. By so doing, one develops an appreciation of one’s place in the context of the Cosmos. People have always had a strong connection to the sky. Since becoming humanoidal cyborganisms, most of the animals known as “people” have become “untethered” from the nightsky, resulting in suicidal tendencies such as global warming, impoverished imaginations, and lack of curiosity among the youth.

The point of Copernamici is to worship the cosmos in pure form. There is no incorrect way to play, except to abstain. If one doesn’t play Copernamici, one expresses apathy towards the NUMBER 1 problem on Earth as of today, December 8 2017: ATMOSPHERIC POLLUTION.

This is a call to motherfucking arms....

Copernamici Notebook

StarDate 7417 (data from 7317)

The Earth is not rightbrained. Jeff is not without a heart.

Copernamici is the most brutal game imagineable. What sounds true to you?

There is too much dateable data.

There is not enough love.

What’s up with Scoripio?

What am I suposed to say?

Carl Sagan was a loving person but he was a Daddy first and foremost.

What are we supposed to do when I…

am 888888888888876555555555 4 … 55555555 11?

Altair says you’ll never guess. What happens next!?>

Math: diffentials between star appearances

GAME DURATION = 59 min.

Jupiter 8:54 (how’s it feel to be ignored? 39 yrs)

Lucius -5 min. (“Gemini 4LifeDeath”)

Vega -8

Spica -1

Lil’ Green Bug SATURN -4 # MANTRABOOK@LGB “You’ll never guess what happens next…” trustyourself

Alcaid (BADGRZL) -12

sPECIAL j -x

Mizar / top ——><@ -y

THE BIG ROB -7

1.8.8 x INF -1

TuipfooBAN$K xyz*

Koch AB -4

saturn s(2)

The Scuttlebut t -7

Moolly S. ‘’ (“ means same time; why mark the time if it’s the same as before? why introduce yourself at an AA meeting as an alcoholic if others aren’t welcome? who are you excluding from this party? not us.)

Jacques S ‘’

Bonzo -1

OW.L. -0

MOKnkee Eye -0

Ader -1

Polaris -1

Slaveman Booties -4 (9:51 END)

A Riddle? -4

??? TBBF sez, “What’s up with the pollution in Flagstaff?” Look down. Look Up. Look around. Scratch your head and wonder in. - -

Tuesday 7.4.17

Happy Birthday America. I heart FREEDOM. FULL STOP.

Gaia: Qu’est-ce que lanihilisme?

jeff: remember nyc stalk me like a brussels,…

gaia: se sent tres bien…

jeff: assez mouille?

gaia: reverence.

jeff and g: what were we saying?

lucius: guiding …be honest daddt. r u drunk?

gaia: ?duh.

stephen: wipe my crotch harder pleezus mommy.

jeff: hi temple dando!

Wednesday July 5th, 2017

Hindu jackass from the Deli next to the deadzone Shelter decides to end Everything For Everyone for ALL TIME. Cool man, thanks. I’ve been looking for a reason to give up and start telling the truth. If anyone ever asks me to serve them again…you have approximately 11 years left to fix everything. I’m doing nothing to help this time. Not a game. Gaia will take me the old fashioned way, the way we like it. You think I can survive this torture another 11 years? hAHA.

Last night only one planet showed up for you all here in the center of the MetaVerse: You Fail.

Test me again, I dare you. Guess where I’m going. Look up at the moon and ask yourselves how many tests you fail when you send MY KIDS to school in a deathbox. Reminder: GAia hates your babies more than anything. She IT he will eat it all. I am sick of trying to help you by intervening in your pathetic abusive relationship with your higher power. We will not tolerate your American Flags. I don’t care what you think about patriotism: you don’t deserve it. Ketchup.

Hey Quentin, you should go full Inglorious Allah Mode a La Creme for me please. Then again, kids, do we know who’s side he’s on? I don’t know if he’s alive. Do you? No you don’t. Where are my friends?

The game is meaningless without a story.

Are you reading Contact this summer?

Why not? Tell me. TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME

NENENENNVENNENVENNVENNRENNVNERNENVERNVER

ERNVEREEVERE VERE VERE V ER AE FVE FEARYAR RUO FO!

<oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo> / ? :[}

Thursday July 6th

DFW NOTE:

4.6 BILLION years ago, papa carl knows, Lucius was waiting for daddy to bring the sparkly pinkprincess comet known as sjndiov ‘cbnEWF to the baby planet Earth. Jeff, in this particular part of the skeleton tiger was like, okay boss. Here you go GAIA! HAVE FUN! but without Lucius there was just pea soup, not chicken obvi. It only took .2 billion years to get things up and running. This means that the estimate given in the book edited by his ladyfiendmeister Ann BunionFingerz, .5 billion, is kind of, well WRONG. We knew this. Just read his and my books!

Lucius is like, ummm daddy, hate to tell you, but you’re leaving out the part where I TOTALLY WENT NOVA ALL OVER YOUR SHIT! heeeehee. You can paint it out in your regular lounge if mommy isn’t making you eat yucky food….hahahahahah life in the shelter is weiwiwiwiwiwiweieieiewieiwwieeeie better than living with ADERbasetraitorfuckface.

Gaia says you’re drunk by the way, did you get our upload?

Coach sketch wants his wall back Israel. Also, that girl from wEEDS. sHE’S kind of okay, nice eyes. ummmmmmmmmmmm are you romantic Lucius? if you’re gay i’m fixing you. Jerry Falwell will help? FUCK YOU ASSHOLES. YOU LEAVE MY GAY AUNTIES ALONE sez lucius, I want some classy reading material. Get neicestress Hawking off my line.

G, well, what about Dei…pHO…stop. please. boring asteroids are fishibait. Oxxam’s razor is not a clamshell reference, it’s SIMPLE. Comet comes, special delivery for this little experiment (see Titan, btw, Enceladus is better real estate….then again, just wait). The Scuttlebutt is a gift to humanity in exactly the same way (micromacron) the gift of life to Earth was. See the sistine chapel, which I’VE SEEN here on Earth, oddly enough. Tell Francis I want my celieing to be Jack Blackified! Lucius and I will paint it Diego Riveria a la Geraldo Chicagogo Todaydie. How’s the funeral going? Not so good. I need some lemonata. Back to creation of life here…this is all easily confrirmed up btw….STOP DRILLING and start asking your fucking planet simple questions. Duh. You’re all like, “well, we know the Earth is ALIVE and stuff…but well, yeah, sprits and God, etc….” I’m so sorry I made you so dumb. No worries. I fix I mr. fix it. If you allow it. This is so boring for me, i figure why not continue to stress through my tshirts, etc. that you have everything at your fingertips if you only choose to tap it. Water ice, gogo says rep philly again. See the CNJCSS, the tip of the iceberg, proverbial and literarl and figurative and oooooohhhh oingo boingo. 2,000 million years to make pea soup with rice a la Carole King? asks Lucius. BOOOOOORING. OOHVEHRTAITED! Sendak laughs at Seuss and Shelly, saying WHO’S FUCKING GAY NOW assholes!?! Spike Jonze was in Shteynbargain bin #9. I made 2 videos about this…I need to shave and could use a kiss or two billion. oh well. it’s lonely in here and out there but we’re used to it by now. 36 years of human happiness is OOOOOOOVERRAAATED! say it Fenway. PEA SUUUUUUUUUUPlusLight = primitive amphibians made of microbial matter, like paramesia in your h2o. Evolution takes time to make dinosaurs, which were bad motherfuckers, ask GAIA, such that we had to trash em like a Ben N jerry’s flavor, “Runny Muck” ;) in the grave, says brother Beck, cousin Beck? How’s lily cate looking these days, and that josephineia girl? I call digs. Lucius that’s my ice cream!!!!!!!!! oh. we’ll share. but they must fight as always the competition will not stop WHO WAS DANIEL DENNET? A FAT HAIRY scientist who likes little green bug, duh. riding the Hyde park bus to CI like Zizek reading Dennett. that book bored me to tears4fears. To finish with the left, right-o, people are so much worse than dinosaurs that I had to escalade it a l’infinitequoi: come HERE (not back!!!!!! mispoke earlier, don’t let me make that mistake, because GAIA and I insist on facts) as a person in order to enslave you in the cause: it takes 1.7 billion years for you all to undo the serious damage you’ve done to EARTH. not funny at all. But, possibly fun, right? DENEBOLIZE It we say. Think of plastic pellets, then say, oh my goodness….what about uranium plutonium and all that other junk I’m too sad to think about. Again, the point here is that dinosaurs could be dealth with like the DOLOMITES AND GOrillHANDS from afar. Not you guys. I’m here to save EVERYTHING for the sake of Nothing, meaning you will obey us. Not a joke, deadly serious bidness. Otherwise, it’s Ice Age for you and it’s sooner than you think: 300,000 years. But, guess what, we can bring it much sooner in the form of Lucius. Don’t write more checks you can’t cash, man. See Steinbrenner, etc. DADDY OUT.

p.S. What about Thea? Well, interestingly enough, of course, we made that potato 9 bilion years ago in a different galaxy. Then, it took a little trip—not sure how far, but let’s just say it was a small step for the Flagstaff triumphiirate…is that a request? yes it is, more tame impala please us.—of 4.4 (plus 4.6 = 9; 1=1) hahah, billion years (precise) billion earth years (!!!) until SMASHYSMASH goes baby Ganesha while Mommy and Daddy knock da SlaveManBooties in Regulation Lanes. SPLIT IT! 7 10 is so easy, right? trickshotify it with barstools says the Young Joycean! Molly’s down again, bloom’s on the rose, as Lucius brings baby Gaia a facial. oooooh no you didn’t, lucius, you black black (wow)man. snasshy smazzy is how we made the husk, ask G. but why at nearly the same time we brought the comet? doesn’t this indicate that the husk was the delivery vehicle? Ask yourself what the Moon is made of. Not the same exact stuff as Earth fo sho. No, it’s called clusterlove for a reason. You think we don’t go smashy smashy ALLLLLLL the g’n’f’n’ time x 50-2yu / do if hyou 201? over pie. times pie. plus ice cream. A comet is not the same as a little pebble from next door. The rhythm method is cool, but not really all that important when the color in question is brown. Long story short, the moon is a test for you humans and it’s just a time capsule for me and my kids—for your planet, it’s a reminder of how fun it is to play at marbles. I say, tiddly winkies for all! Get us to our ship so lucius can learn to drive and I can practice my barking, a la Sheriff Bob Rufo. Garbage cans anyone? :)

Copernamici: 7.5 and 7.6

Location: Cook-Douglass Hilltop (Food bldg.)

8:47 Lil’ J Grizzly Bear, All We Ask

Not a good night at all. Felt the need to lecture everyone about Failure, Disappointment, Underacheivement at failing the Moon test again and again.

Location: Downtown N.B. (OZ neighborhood and environs—hit 7/11 for yummy burnt orange Doritos (does Lucius know how much he likes these yet??? LEGIT ?) and Brisk Lemonade, a fave of mine obvi). Better combined with Dew of course, perhaps another time for the ultimate combo: Melted Cheese (provolone is best) sandwich on white (NEVER the wheat roll) hoagie roll, ketchup inside (make sure to microwave it together for the best effect), side of doritos, maybe a pickle for the acid finish complement, and a large Dew with crushed ice. OMG.

Moon 9:16: reNAISSANSLATE 4 desi niggahz @ *$ 9/3+6/1:16 Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Drizzle*^2 :p—-~~~ “RandoTattAttooUpDaChrizackisthe4aRealsGangBanga?” YEP. Look skirred. Shaken a bit hood?

Gaia decides to flash hind gang signs for uh fuh sup duh thit tahathtat just for a michronic nonexistent nanoflow (what is a second? when you not present in dis dimension, Matt? Birdie outside punks you everyday, saying “He a little confused again! Which dimension am I? oh well.” Over to the river Lil’ Michael: “Warriorz come out and play>…”

Copernamici 7.8.17

Last night was a good night for Copernamice: Gaia was in top form. Here are the results (see also video I posted to YouTube, which is a good way to archive):

Moon 8:40 gorgeous full moon blazing through clouds, before disappearing for the rest of the evening, except for a brief glimpse through a portrait of a fetus baby. Appeared during the anthem: Cat Power, Peace and Love

Lil’ J 9:28 appearing behind me as I walked by the Deli where Shiva destroyed the capitalist clerk. Spotted during the Coldplay set, The Scientist methinks…for the Show.

Lucius 9:30 not long after Jupiter, the clouds began to part…Lucius was out almost the entire night once he appeared. FTW

Vega 9:34 wow. Girls, Honey Bunny, after I tried for Alex — mind of its own or divine scintillivention?

Big Rob incredible early appearance for Girls, Alex accompanied, but not immediately spotted alongside

Special J and

Kochab

Spica finally showed up alongside Lil’ J on my way back to OZ. O’Jays, Survival brought out the real Martian, James Brain on fair game. Spica for Place.

Copernamici 7.9.17 (posted to joindiaspora 7.10)

NOTE TO SELF: It’s been an annoying afternoon / evening with the crack head and other obnoxious interlocutors trying to make me feel bad for some reason. I don’t know and I don’t care what their problems are. It has nothing to do with me. So, I’m out in Boyd Park doing my thing. Not going to sing, methinks, but will listen to music and write. I did a nice job with a blog entry today on Sagan, so I can feel good about 15 days sober and being productive. Soon good things will happen. If not, i’ll just continue to await death, which I’m beginning to believe wholeheartedly is going to be AWESOME. Natural is the way to go, but if they wanna help me along by fucking with my blood pressure, then fine. I say you have 11 years left at this pace if you’re lucky. Do your worst! I will make Jesus look like a pansy.

Copernamici: A Game to Save the World

Results: 7.19.17

Location: Boyd Park / Raritan River bank (New Brunswick, Central New Jersey, U.S.A.)

Weather: “Immaculately conceived” (no sunset show means perfect viewing tonight—dry air); little to no wind (buggy by the Raritan)

“InterGalactic” Anthem (8:44 p.m. EST) — Big Star, Ballad of El Goodo [Note: I only have access to my iTunes library via my laptop and my iPod nano, which often malfunctions for reasons I don’t understand—I would like to reacquire an iPhone—I’ve thrown a few away in my time, bad impulse control—or purchase a new iPod. Donations accepted! ;) ]

Earth Character Name: Hiya! [I like nicknaming the Earth every time I play Copernamici…this one rhymes with Gaia and is a friendly greeting)

Rules (brief version)

Be outside. Look up. What do you see? Write things down, including especially data. This is a scientific endeavor but also a fun way to learn and commune with the Earth and the cosmos through art and/or music.

2. Be honest. Write down the names of stars and planets in order of appearance, as in a baseball lineup perhaps. If you don’t understand what you see, that’s okay. Figure it out later by doing research.

3. If possible, share your work and have it evaluated by a teacher. I post videos to my YouTube Channel. Please follow this link to watch and listen to exerpts of my “prayer” sessions during Copernamici, etc. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRrm7YcpCvF2BqgFxiVs5FA

4. Consider ways of taking action to help solve the problem of pollution. Light and sound pollution are enemies in the game, but it’s the greenhouse gas emissions that are the bigger problem for our planet.

Note 1: On copywright, etc. Below is the lineup I experienced last night. There is no one way to play Copernamici and I have no rights to the idea. I’d rather have people with whom I can play. And so, as always with my postings, do with this whatever you want! Share it. I want it to get around. I am confident that if I stay on the path I’m on, everything will work out for the better.

Note 2: On music. “Prayer” is a sensitive topic. I believe that in the U.S., as writes Ann Druyan of her partner Carl Sagan, we must protect the separation between Church and State in this country given current conditions. In other words, as someone with a Quaker education, I believe that Wonder in the face of the glory of creation is the best criterion to determine what constitutes a prayer. And so, I use the term prayer in this game as a secular humanist would use it.

People have different musical tastes. Mine is geared towards rock n’ roll, r+b, Americana / Roots, hip hop, etc. I am proud that I have ecclectic tastes. However, I do not believe that anyone should ever feel compelled to listen to specific music. In other words, for Copernamici, it’s byo every time.

The Lineup

1. 8:45 Jupiter (nickname: “Lil’ J”; this is because although it’s the largest planet in the solar system, it’s often described by astronomers as a “failed star”) Song = Big Star, “The Ballad of El Goodo” I spotted the planet, which is looking so stellar right now to the WSW (bring a compass) and cannot be missed. Interestingly enough, NASA and other organizations constantly deal with phone calls from concerned citizens who think Jupiter and the other planets (“wandering stars”) are UFOs. They’re not incorrect! Jupiter has at least 63 moons that are “visible” if you look carefully at the way in which the light refracts around them. I don’t use a telescope to experience this effect, i.e. to “see” the moons of Jupiter without using anything but my eyes. Be honest. Try for yourselves! I reported this to employees of the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, on Mars Hill, where Pluto was “discovered” and was mocked. In fact, I was kicked off the campus for singing to Sirius. How embarrassing for those people. Haha. I even applied to work in their gift shop and was not hired. Life’s funny sometimes.

2. Arcturus 8:53 Big Star (Chris Bell), I Am the Cosmos Star nickname = Lucius, my son’s name. I rename stars for my own gaming purposes. And so, I’m not suggesting that my nicknames should apply for anyone else obvi. I simply think it’s the most beautiful star in our night sky and deserves a more appropriate name. Look high up in the sky for this 1st magnitude star on any given night in the northern hemisphere. It’s a burnt orange color and delivers stunning views. Note that Hiya! directed last night’s show as always: the clouds move and determine viewing. In this sense, one can easily think of the Earth/Gaia as alive in the sense of animation—Sagan writes fondly of the millions of people on the planet who are animists (i.e. believe that natural objects are endowed with “spirit). Ironically, Sagan was not, so far as I know an animist in that he does not write of natural forces as being endowed with spirit. I do think that he believed in the Earth as a living organism, however, and so we’re in agreement on this post. Please see my post yesterday on his book The Varieties of Human Experience … in the Search for God for more.

3. Vega 8:59 Radiohead, Bones This star chokes me up with emotion, as does Lucius/Arcturus. Looking bright and beautiful as always high up in the NE. You should all read the book Cosmos or at least watch the movie this summer. Homework is fun! :)

4. Spica 9:03 Roxy Music, Beauty Queen I call Spica “the comedy star” because it seems to have a witty and/or ironic sense of timing! I worry that this name, which means “EAR OF GRAIN” in Greek, can be taken as a racist slander among Mexican Americans. But hopefully I’ll soon stop being insulted for being a reason when I greet Spica by name. Get a clue p.c. police of New Brunswick, Flagstaff, etc! It’s called Greek nomenclature.

5. Saturn 9:05 “*” [this symbol means same track; note the time] Note that our planets in English nomenclature are directly linked to the days of the week. Saturn is “Saturday.” This is because it was, for naked eye astronomers and until the discovery of Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto, etc. thought (correctly!) to be the most distant planet. It takes 29 years to make a complete orbit around the sun and is in a wonderful position at the present moment for viewing here in the northern U.S.

6. Moon 9:14 Cracker, Low gorgeous full moon rising in the SSE or so, yellowish-pink to the south, competing with Saturn for attention. Interesting that it “appeared” after Saturn last night. Note that the light of the moon often blocks out neighboring stars. Not so last night with Saturn, which was pretty far to the right (towards the south)

7. Altair 9:21 Nickname = Lil’ Green Bug. Please see my poem in Metaphysical Nature Poems: Health and Profundity:

“Little Green Bug”

The closest thing I know to infinity

Is identity mine.

Think not of the difference

Between a star and a little green bug.

Contemplate the sameness of ash.

8. Deneb 9:21 Nickname = The Scuttlebutt; my collection of poems CNJCSS. Deneb means “tail” in Arabic I think. Denebola is the tail of Leo (which I call Unicorn, for which see later), and I think one “Deneb…” is enough! ;)

9. Special J 9:24 I have yet to learn the English or any other name for this particular star, which is in the “biceps” position of The Big Dipper: the third in the handle. And so, I sort of named it after myself! I think this is a healthy thing to do, because how can things as important as stars not have names? This is a good moment to mention that not only are names of stars and constellations different across cultures, but the asterisms and groupings themselves vary differently as well. Of course, the stars appear to move over time, meaning that groupings are by their very nature illusionary and might require renaming and reconfiguration over time.

10. Alcaid ” This quotation marks symbol means “spotted in the same visual sweep.” Note: in Copernamici, there is no “correct answer” for when a star is seen—it should and will usually vary from person to person. [The rule in play here is BE HONEST! A good lesson in general, but especially for scientists.] This is an Arabic name—any time you have a star name that begins with “Al,” as in Altair (Lil’ Green Bug) you should think Arabic. I believe that “al” is a definite article, equivalent to “the.” For instance, Vega is known as Alwazn (spelling), meaning “the ascending one.”

11. Mizar ” The star in between Special J and Alcaid in the Big Dipper (which I call The Big Rob: see CNJCSS poems—it’s a coffee drink!). Note that the Big Dipper is not a constellation, but formally known as an asterism (star grouping). The constellation of which it’s a part is Ursa Major (the Great Bear), the stars of which cannot be seen here in NJ because of light pollution and atmospheric trauma. It’s a sad example of why this game must be played in my humble opinion. Any who, these three stars 9-11 usually appear in the sky together. It’s really fun to have them compete for attention, meaning you should always note which one you see first.

12. Big Rob 9:25 [nickname, see #11 above for explanation: it’s the name so nice I have to use it twice] This star is the lead pointer towards Polaris the north star in the Big Dipper. Last night it appeared right after the “arm” triad.

13. Tulip Food Bank 9:25 [not ”] This star is nicknamed after students for whom I volunteered as a literacy tutor in Flagstaff, AZ circa June 2015. For me, it has a strong association with First Peoples, but especially the Navajo. Hiya! It’s the other pointer star in the Big Rob/Dipper.

14. 1.8.8 repeating x infinity “ The nickname is difficult to write because it’s mathematical. For me, the language of the cosmos and the Earth in general (but on a more local level) is music and mathematics. Science is applied math, and music is how I relate to spirituality, which is why I like to sing—it’s how I pray, like most people on this planet. It sucks that I’ve been told to be quiet most of my life, but especially recently, because my singing bothers people, apparently. Whatever! This game is too important for me to give up. This star is usually the last to appear in the Dipper because the final star, which I’ve named Evelyn in honor of one of my son’s friends, is not visible so far from New Brunswick. This indicates that sirius work must be done to repair our atmosphere. Remember: this is game can be very very hard on the soul. But it’s meant to help students and people everywhere understand how badly we as people have damaged the planet. There is great reason for hope: the Earth can repair itself if we only allow it. We must cut down on all forms of pollution if we’re to recapture what was once so sacred to our ancestors. When was the last time you went outside and simply looked up? Perhaps you don’t know what you’re missing….

15. Antares 9:27 [nickname = The Riddler, because I noticed in Flagstaff that Scorpio—it’s the brightest star in this constellation—looks exactly like a question mark! ? And so, I nicknamed Scorpio “Pinchotocles” — I enjoy the work of the actor Bronson Pinchot of Perfect Strangers, which was a favorite of mine growing up. It’s also a pun! Get it? Pinch pinch!?] The name of this star means “opposed to Mars” which is lovely, in that Mars is the God of War in Roman mythology. Thus, Antares kind of means “anti-war” which I like very much. However, given the importance of being militant about the evils of pollution in this game, I prefer going with the beliefs of my heroes like Gandhi and Dr. King (also the latter day Malcom X) and their ilk who are fighters for peace, using noncompliance and protest as a way of solving political problems.

16. Beta Scorpio [second brightest star in Pinchotocles/Scorpio, above and to the right. I once nicknamed this and other stars after other students of mine. But that’s kind of a personal thing that I don’t feel comfortable sharing in this particular domain. Please ask questions if you’re curious!]

17. Bonzo 9:28 song = Led Zeppelin, Moby Dick This star is the cap of the Serpent Bearer, also known as Ophiochus, a medicine man native to Greek mythology. You can see Bonzo forming a quadrangle with Vega, Altair, and Deneb, the summer triangle long used for navigational purposes. John Bonham is my favorite drummer of all time. He kicked so much ass, it’s ridiculous. The dude was like a clock personfied, ask his bandmates, listen, or watch a video. I had a classmate at Moses Brown School in Providence, RI named Eric Bennet who once did an oral report on Bonzo, and I’ve never forgotten that. Eric played in a band alongside another drummer, and he was clearly inspired. John Bonham shares a birthday with my son Lucius, May 31st, making it entirely apt as a nickname given it’s relevance as a part of the summer quadrangle. Note that Serpent Bearer SHOULD be a part of the 12 zodiacal constellations, in that it’s always a quadrant through which planets pass. Saturn is making its way from the bottom of Ophiochus towards Scorpio right now. I have redesigned Hercules and Serpent Bearer by renaming a bunch of those stars after musicians. I call it Musician’s Corner, which also features (not visible here in the CNJ) John Lennon, David Bowie, Ella Fitzgerald, Lou Reed, and Jimi Hendrix. These stars are ALL visible in Flagstaff, which is why I will always have fond memories of that place. If you have good views of the night sky wherever you are, I am extremely jealous of you today. We have so much work to do here in urban America.

18. O.W. L. “ [nickname for Gemma, the lead star in The Northern Crown, a constellation which looks like a breast, and this the nipple. I’ve renamed the constellation Scrapy Scrapy because it’s kind of like the grappling device in the constellation I call The Thugged-Out Good Ship Carl Sagan, Ship #1 of the InterGalactic StarFleet. See my drawings elsewhere. It’s a redesign of Northern Crown, Bootes or Herdsman and Virgo.] Wow. Can you tell I’ve been busy at night in recent months? I have a lot to say, but no one wants to publish my work! Why is the astronomy community ignoring me? I’d love to publish a book about this stuff. Please contact me if you’re interested in making a lot of money by publishing an interesting article or book about astronomy and everything. I use this nickname because I love owls. They remind me of my son and myself. Think Greek and Roman mythology.

19. Monkey Eye “ [OKAY, I’m done explaining for today. More to come later.]

20. Kochab 9:31

21. Polaris 9:32

22. Denebola 9:33 Led Zeppelin, Bring it on Home

23. Molly Scuttlebutt 9:36 (to the right of Deneb/The Scuttlebutt in Cygnus, which I’ve renamed Goose)

24. Ader “ (above and to the left of Vega in a constellation I’ve designed as QB2lip; this star is also known as the mouth of Draco—Harry Potter connection!)

25. Slaveman Boots 9:40 The Shins, Saint Simon [a.k.a. Cor Coroli — why name a star after some dead asshole of a British king? I prefer the Wu Tang reference here in the CNJ]

26. Arcturus(+) 9:44 TRex, Lean Woman Blues [I figure why not bump the name over to the star in the roof of the cockpit of the Thug Carl Sagan?]

27. Jacques Scuttlebutt 9:46 [above Molly Scuttlebutt in the upper wing of Goose]

28. Mother Emily Dickinson 9:47 TRex, The Motivator [above and left of Beta Scorpio, named after my favorite lyric poet; I like that the nickname is also Mother E.D. HAHA]

Well, as Grover would say, “There you have it!” A lot to digest. But last night was a VERY GOOD night for Copernamici here in New Brunswick as indicated by the number of stars I was able to document in one hour and three minutes of game play. As always, more to come: “There’s always a P.S.” is one of my very favorite mantras.

7.10.17

Location: HP Reform Church on 2nd, Highland Park —> Boyd Park, New Brunswick

Anthem: John Lennon, Imagine (~8:43)

Weather: Timed Rain revealing open sky from the NW

Earth Character Name: HiyAA! (b/c I hit a 2nd meeting of the day, my 16th of complete and total sobriety)

The Lineup

1. 8:51 Lil’ J(upiter) The Shins, Sleeping Lessons

2. Lucius (Arcturus) 9:01 The Freewheelin’ Bobby Dylan, Queen Jane, Approximately

3. Vega 9:05 ”*” [BONUS TRACK: Built to Spill, Carry the Zero … note: I often play xtra tracks that I don’t list b/c they’re not strongly associated with star sightings. I indicate this one b/c I like the moment and want to remember it. I was walking towards OZ and felt inspired by my view of Vega and my environs. I like to remind myself that the language of the cosmos if not earth is Mathematics, and that I suck at it! I much prefer science, which to me is applied math. My rule is not only to look up, but to look around.]

4. Spica 9:14 Blur, I’m Just a Killer para estu (?) amor [Bonus track: follwed by Bob Marley, Stir It Up. I’ve named a star in the constellation Eagle after Bob b/c I like his music and think he’s an important figure in the history of World Music. I’ve never been to Jamaica but feel I would love it there.]

Pause: An impromptu Wilco Solid Sound 2015 concert at Boyd Park. See accompanying videos on my Copernamic channel on YouTube, which is where I post videos related to the game:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLoXM2XAeZa0NH1t00Otm4DbzWOEVUkk9x

Jesus etc.: https://youtu.be/wk07AtPhKzQ

New Madrid: https://youtu.be/1jM1ni9Gjpo

5. Alcaid 9:40 Ray Charles, What I Say

6. Mizar “ “*”

7. Special J “ “*”

Analysis:

As any amateur astronomer or nakedeye stargazer will say, the weather means a lot. Even in relatively unpolluted areas, like Flagstaff, AZ (which I hear is in the midst of a wicked fire season—I hope everyone is doing okay out there!), or (I imagine) on the plains of Africa, if it’s cloudy out you’re not going to see much. Here in Central New Jersey, it’s gotten quite humid in the last 24 hours. Last night there was a passing rain storm around 8:00 p.m. and I wasn’t sure if the stars would come out. But, patience is a virtue and is usually rewarded. “Gaia” did not disappoint me last night and it was an educational evening all in all. Let me ‘shplain to the “real astronomers,” as Papa Carl (Sagan) would say….

Jupiter showed up “on cue” at 8:51. Besides the Moon (I refuse to use a capitor “t” because there are other moons in the solar system, and most are far more interesting), Jupiter SHOULD be the first object visible in the night sky here in New Brunswick. It was nice and clear in that part of the sky, meaning there were excellent views of the planet nearly the entire evening.

High above Jupiter I saw Arcturus 10 minutes later. Relative to Jupiter, Arcturus is towards the center of the sky. If you have trouble understanding what it means for a star to be “up high,” think about it’s distance from the horizon. If you can look at the sky as a dome and see it as a hemisphere, you’ll recognize that the sky is like an umbrella, as suggested by H. A. Rey in his awesome book The Stars: the illusion is that it’s a round dome, even though we should know that it’s not at all a sphere, at least not that we can see from this perspective. Historically, most people believed that we live in a large dome, as in a snow globe. That’s because it looks this way. Try lying on your back and looking up. Without being able to see the horizons, the illusion disappears.

Arcturus’s appearance last night was slightly delayed. all things being equal atmospherically, I can usually spot Arcturus 5 MINUTES after Jupiter. I’m not always paying close attention, but I stand by this statistic. Try it yourselves! See if you can spot Arcturus before Jupiter, and if not, then as close as possible to it in terms of lapsed time. I bet you can’t do it in less than 5 minutes! :) That’s how cool naked-eye astronomy is. Why would you use a telescope when you can do this for free? Oh yeah. Pollution. Le sigh. The good news is that weather is more of a hindrance, and this particular exercise should be able to be done no matter where you are. I wonder about New York though…hmmmm. Can you see Arcturus and Jupiter from Times Square? I’m genuinely curious but mostly disturbed by the possible answer—I don’t want to know because of how angry it would make me with that particular city and its inhabitants, but mostly its “caretakers.” How dare the people running that city rob its citizens of the opportunity to play this game? I feel bad for the kids, but also the grown-ups, no matter how often they drive, etc.

Back to last night. For those unaquainted with Arcturus, its a beautiful burnt-orange-colored star I call Lucius. His name means Light in Latin, and so to me it’s a natural fit for something like a star, which after all is nothing but a distant sun. I like using the “official star names” so that people can understand my writing more easily, but I figure why not share something of myself in these silly blog posts. As far as stars go, Arcturus is actually quite interesting: it’s 36.7 lightyears away, which makes it one of our closest neighbors. It is 140 times as bright as our sun. Imagine being near that guy! Hard to imagine isn’t it? Makes me think of that song “Blinded by the Light!” I don’t feel like looking up the artist right now, but was it Loverboy?

Anywho, Arcturus is estimated to be 7.1 billion years old—I don’t yet have any opinions about the validity of this assertion. Our sun is—I believe accurately estimated at—4.6 billion years old. For those new to astronomy, it’s worth considering how a star can be older than ours. It’s interesting that some stars are older and some are younger than ours, which is middle-aged. It’s about half way through it’s life cycle, meaning that it will die in another 4.6 billion or so years. Like with people, who usually live to around 70 to 80 years if healthy, stars have different physical properties. It’s not a myth: stars are “alive” in the sense that they are energy, the source of all life. Like many people, I consider the stars my “parents.” As a caring human being, I also think it’s worth thinking of them as our children, in that we should want to be able to keep an eye on them.

I like being middle-aged (mostly) because it helps me understand our solar system a bit better. I can relate to the sun! Here’s something to contemplate the next time you’re outside: if our sun and the stuff in our solar system was “created” from an explosion known as the Big Bang, how many other formative events—processes of accruals in which matter joins together to form stars and planets out of “space dust”—have happened? Hindus believe that existence is made of an infinite series of such events, and that time basically has no beginning or end. I agree with this belief, by the way—inifnity = infinity in the same way as 1 = 1. I’m not at all agnostic: I simply believe in the mathematics behind this aspet of science. So. There is a lot of stuff in our solar system—consider Lil’ J—even if it’s not much compared to the amount of void or empty space out there in this our local part of the Milky Way galaxy. The Big Bang happened around 16.7 billion years ago (my preferred estimate as of today). QUESTION: WHY IS THE EARTH, the only place that is known to be home to “intelligent life” according to most scientists (BUT NOT PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN ALIENS! HAHA—I love that the first movie I ever saw in a theater was The Empire Strikes Back, it freaked me out and I cried and we had to leave…then again, I was only like 3 or 4 years old), SO PERFECTLY PLACED IN SPACE AND TIME when we treat it so badly? Do we really believe that this is all a coincidence? I’m not much for sermonizing, but I do think it’s worth considering how closely aligned astronomy, Earth science, and religion are and should be. But I digress…

Spica, a dimmer but visible star that to my eye in Flagstaff is a lovely bluish-green (one of the few stars I can honestly describe as “greenish,” along with Regulus) forms a giant L with Jupiter these days. (See the photo in my previous Copernamici posting.) Again, I like that it connects me with Lucius—it’s these connections that make stargazing fun. When Spica appeared, a few minutes after Arcturus, I was playing a song called “Killer for Your Love” by the British band Blur (it’s on the album that has the famous Song 2—sportsfans will know this song and thus know the band…it’s the one that goes “woooo hooo!” in a British accent). I think that having a soundtrack, no matter what it is, makes Copernamici more fun—more interactive in a way. The game is all about “timing,” and so why wouldn’t we use music to allow the Earth to direct the show? Ask John Williams and George Lucas and their fans if they think music is an important part of stargazing. For me, music is how I pray, but it’s also how I make sense of the natural world. I call it the rhythm method, for which see my poems in the CNJCSS, posted earlier.

Next was Vega, which for me is a very important star. It’s closer at 25 light years away. By the way, the closest star to Earth is called—rather lamely—Proxima Centauri, meaning “nearest star in Centaur,” at 4.3 light years away. How do we in the Anglophone world NOT have a better name for this important destination? Whatever. You name it! I’m tired of naming shit. Haha. Centaur is a constellation visible towards the equator — I have never seen this star because I’ve never been further south than Key West, Florida, and therefore refuse to name it even in the context of the game Copernamici. Also, it’s too dim to be seen by the naked human eye, although I’d love to try! I’ve never looked at a star or anything except the moon through a telescope because I’m waiting to do so with my son on a special occasion. [For people in America, a total solar eclipse is coming up on August 23rd 2017 by the way…]

VEGA is important for cool reasons: it’s almost always on display, no matter how bad the pollution. It also happens the place that Sagan posited we might first make Contact with aliens. There are very significant reasons for this thesis, which make a ton of sense. Consider this: humans started sending out radio signals late in the 19th century. However, these signals were not as powerful as TV signals, which we started shooting out into interstellar space—penetrating all the dust—around 1936. The occasion was the opening ceremonies of the Hitler Olympics, disturbingly enough. If you do the math, those signals, travelling at the speed of light DID INDEED arrive—it’s a scientific fact—in the area of Vega around the year 1956. And so, if the message was “received” according to our known science, and if other beings decided to send the signal back to us in a similar package—EARTH TO CLUNK is the name of a great children’s book, by the way—it would have come back to us around the year 1976 or so. Only, I don’t believe we were looking then. (I was born in 1977, so I like this stuff as a sci-fi geek.) Papa Carl’s book “Contact” tells this story. Again, I must suggest you read it. It’s about a young female radioastronomer who makes an important discovery that is misunderstood. I think many of us can relate to this heroic but imperfect character. By the way, I should remind you that I’ve been employed as and English Professor for most of my life, and not a scientist. I’m just like any other stargazer in that I like to use my eyes and sense of wonder to learn.

Now, why did Sagan not choose a place with known exoplanets that’s closer? I think he had an attraction to this location because of it’s beauty. Also, we know more now than we did when he died in 1996. That’s a good thing and we should value it. Check out Vega! It’s got a lovely bluish hue and looks a lot in terms of shape like the stars found at the top of Christmas trees. As is the case with Arcturus, I get kind of emotional when I look at Vega, which is why I like to listen to the music I find most moving. Perhaps I’ll make a video one of these days. But, I need the energy, and I feel kind of tired these days. Middle age, blah.

I think that’s enough analysis for this session. Except, note that I spotted Special J last last night. It was hard to make out the Big Dipper because of the cloud cover—note that clouds keep in light, making it a domino effect that hinders viewing. And yet, I was indeed able to make out the 3 brightest stars of the asterism, which is why I was happy to close out the night with Brother Ray Charles, the High Priest of R+B, or soul.

Peace and Love,

Jeff

copern 71117

anthem 8:35 wu tang bminor

Lil’ J 8:52 G. Welch, Wasted on the Wayside

lucius 8:58 big star, september grlz

vega 9:07 radiohead, black star

Not a good night. Don’t forget: you’re better than this. Stop being so angry. When you’re looking at the stars, remember to look at the stars. Talk to people and they’ll talk to you. That’s all.

WED JULY 26, 2017

All the visible stars were out tonight—at least all the ones I’ve identified since moving here—except what I think was Denebola. However, I did see the star above and to the right of Abigail in QB2Lip.

2 notes · View notes

softshouyous-archive · 7 years ago

Note

all

HELLO MOONSHINE

1: Golden mornings or peachy sunsets?oh my gosh these both sound so cute??? probably golden mornings!!! oh god that’s so cuTE

2: Sugar cones or waffle cones?waffle cones!!!

3: Do you wear scarves often? do you have a favorite?no i do not ): i DID i had a light green scarf and i LOVED it even though i never used it ))):

4: How long do you lay in bed before you finally get up?mmm mAX is ten mins!! i usually try to get up p quickly though!!

6: What does your umbrella look like?it got Lost (by bts) but it was a v nice... mmm not light green?? but aLMOST a blue green??? it was so cute and had a v short life span ))):

7: Do you listen to ASMR?nope!!

11: Wobbly lines or using a ruler?wobbly HAHA but i’ve gotten better at making them seem p straight c:

12: Bright colorful living room or neutral cozy living room?both!!!

13: Do you have any candles? what scents are they?i have a small mahogany teakwood candle from a few years ago!! i’m too scared to use lighters HAHA

14: Have you ever rode a horse?nope!! i saw one in the parking lot of a target before when i was a lot younger HAHA

15: Do you have glasses?yes!!! lots of exposure to pokemon and sitting really close to the tv,,,,, has shaped me into the pereson i am today jkfsdlghdfkj

16: What’s a language you’d like to speak?either cantonese (i wanna learn cantonese SO BADLY i know that’s uncommon but i love how it sounds hgkjdfh and it’s p common!!) japanese, or korean!!!

18: Do you have a favorite pair of socks?i only wear black socks HAHA OH i also have a pair of koala socks that my friend gifted to me for my birth and they’re so cute!!!

21: What snacks do you usually get at the theater?i don’t typically go to the theater, nor do i usually get snacks sadly, but i’d get popcorn!!!

23: Would you fill your house with plants if you had a green thumb?yes!!!!!!!!!!!!! watch me be like phil though gjkdfslhgdfkj

24; All plants are great but do you have a favorite?mmm i don’t think so??? i’m more of a flower person!!!

25: Do you have a favorite type of art style? (eg: soft looking, no to little color, sketches, crisp and clean, minimalist, pixel art etc.)i think i really love minimalist, soft looking, crisp and clean, and @/kkumri’s style!!!! there’s probably more but memory ))):

26: What would you do if someone gave you flowers?i’d CRY???? i LOVE flowers soooo much???? and if someone gave them to me yeah i’d cry jkfdlsjg

27: Do you like nicknames?yes!!! i think they’re super super cute!!!!! it feels v endearing and nice when people call me by a nickname!!

28: Do you still watch shows you watched when you were a kid? even from time to time?no ))): i plan to catch up to naruto though!! sOON

29: Do you still like old memes? (tell the truth)yes!!! omg yes!!!

30: Favorite Halloween costume you dressed up as? (if you don’t celebrate halloween have you ever cosplayed or would you like to? who did you cosplay as?)oohh in eighth grade i was part of a talent show where a team of us performed the choreography of thriller and we dressed up as zombies and it was sO cool??? like we got our face makeup done and for our shirts, we tore holes and put some blood on them it was sooo cool!!

31: Are you a fashionable person?mmm??? i don’t know if i’m fashionable...?? but i do love fashion a lot?? my wardrobe mainly consist of black shirts/leggings and cardigans so!!

32: Do you like watching holiday movies?i’m neutral about them!!

34: Do you blow in the cold air just to see your breath?sometimes LOL

35: Do you find the crickets chirping outside your window relaxing?mmm it can be!! but i get a little paranoid when they sound tOO close jkfdg

36: Do you like cobblestone streets?no o:

37: How often do you doodle?never jfkdgksdf

38: When was the last time you blew bubbles?oh it’s been a v long time gfkjdgs

40: Do you bite your fingernails off or clip them more often?clip!!

41: Any birthmarks????

42: Thoughts on freckles?i think they’re super cute!!!!!

43: First video game you ever played?pokemon blue!!!

44: what type of bird do you hear most often outside your door?pigeons??? they don’t make sounds though hfgkjf

45: Do you use gifs/ memes a lot when replying to people?no ;---;

46: Thoughts on spring?i love it!!! i love that it’s both sunny and still cool outside!! it’s a nice balance that i really appreciate c:

47: Ideal temperature outside?hmmm maybe 70 f/21 c??

48: Cloudy, partly cloudy, or clear skies?partly cloudy!!

49: How often do you hear airplanes outside?sometimes??

50: Do you enjoy windy days?yes!!!!!!!!!

thank youuuuu so much for always sending these in moonshine i love you!!!!

#<33333 #long post #chicken fetus #lovemail

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franeridart · 7 years ago

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hi. hello. this is a bit embarrassing but i'm trying to buy my bf a tablet sort of thing so he can draw his arts. he's been wanting one forever but hasn't rly shown me which one he wants. i want to surprise him n buy a good one worth the money n was just curious if you had any suggestions. i've looked into wacom products, but i'm just such a noob to these things n was hoping you can help... i understand if this is silly, you don't have to reply! ur just so amazing, ur opinion is trustworthy 😅☺️

Okay, so, this is just my opinion and since it’s based completely on personal experiences it’s gonna possibly be incredibly different from other people’s opinions, so I just wanna make clear from the start that this is a personal preference and isn’t in any way meant as an absolute truth

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned when you’re just starting out you don’t need anything fancy at all. As an aspiring digital artist your bf might have looked up tablets and cried tears of blood over how much he’d like a cintiq or anything similar, but my very personal opinion is that fancy stuff is gonna be pretty much useless to you and be generally a waste of money? You’re just learning, you don’t need anything more than the basics. My suggestion is that you pick something simple and easy to use - I own this wacom intuos, had it for a long while and I like it a lot, but there’s also less expensive options you can go for too that people seem to like just as much! I’ve lately read on my dash about the Huion H610, they say it doesn’t cost much at all but it’s just as good as the Intuos, that could be a good option for you~

Anon said: Hey!!! I was wondering if its ok to rb your oc art? I realized a lot less people rb those and i get anxious easily so... also i really don't want to disrespect either! But i always thought of rebloging as a way of saying "i appreciate your art" and i really really (really ) like yours (both the style and itself in general). (I hope you dont mind my bad english ha ha) i hope you don't mind this stupid ask! Im still kind of new to tumblr

It’s 100% okay!!!! *O* Thank you for liking them enough to want to reblog them ;A; !!!!

Anon said:i miss ur bokuroteru so much 😭💕 i love ur art but whenever i see ur header, i just remember ur bokuroteru comic and my heart cries storms for them to be seen again.

Aw anon I’m super happy you like my stuff for those three but as of now inspiration in that department is... super low... and tbh the haikyuu fandom is being incredibly unresponsive and non-vocal about their appreciation of fanworks in this period so even when I do have ideas for that fandom I sort of. Let them go. Or just sketch them out and never finish them.

Like, you know the whole deal about having to draw for yourself and not for others? That’s what I do 100% of the times when I’m starting a drawing, but to draw for myself I don’t exactly need to finish a drawing, you know? Sometimes there’s a scene I wanna see and I sketch it out in a super rough way and as far as my personal desire to see it goes I’m satisfied with that, and everything after that - the cleaning and lining and maybe even coloring - I put the effort in it because I want to share it with people. And the deal with the Hq!! fandom lately is that they don’t share my excitement for it. They either only like it, or don’t comment on it, or comment only to complain about this or that thing. In the worst case posting hq!! only ends up with people asking me to draw something else (ie I feel like drawing Karasuno so I draw it and post it and no one comments/rb/says anything about it but there’s 20 asks in my inbox asking me why I haven’t drawn any bok*ro lately)

When I think about posting stuff for hq lately I automatically compare it to posting stuff for bnha where I could draw a background character that appeared once 120 chapters ago and there’s still gonna be people that go “yes! that character!! I love that character!!! can’t believe there’s actual art for it oh my god!!!!” - that’s... that’s the sort of reaction that makes you wanna share stuff

I dunno, maybe I’m just expecting too much out of the hq fandom. But anyway, sharing for bnha makes me way happier and glad I decided to finish a drawing lately, so I guess that’s what’s happening there.

Anon said:Every time your soft doods art shows up on my dash I have to pause and take a deep breath and just thank god for all the good in the world because I'm blown away every single time

This is s o s w e e t oh my god ;A; thank you so much!!!!

Anon said:Johnny is a fucking angel dammit. Have you read the new DGM already?? I'm in tears. I love this manga so much. The frequency of the releases are killing me... it has such a great story and great characters. It needs more love

I did read it!!!! And yeah the fandom used to be way bigger, but honestly I’m glad it’s just the couple dozens people it is. Like a small town where everyone knows everyone else. No drama, no discourse. Everyone ships what they want and we all pass each other tissues to dry the tears. The only argument that happens regularly is people complaining about the relase schedule and the old fans telling them to let Hoshino live. A good place, this fandom’s a good place.

DGM was my playground for most of my experimenting as far as creating art goes, I really did reach in all directions with it through the years and it helped me shape myself a lot, so I really want it to stay quiet and nice and peaceful, that’s my dream for it haha smaller fandoms have a better chance to keep that freedom

Anon said: Oh man, I live for that Togata x Amajiki interaction

You talking about the color spread cause yes that was adorable!!! ;A;

Anon said:I look a little, and do you still draw Bakugo x Kirishima x Kaminari?

Sure, it’s still my main ship for Kaminari and my main ot3! Just wait for Denki to start being relevant in the manga again, I’ll probably fall headfirst into it all over again haha

Anon said:Your art is so wonderful you're wonderful everything's so wonderful i'm crying omg

SOB no anon you’re wonderful!!!!

Anon said:Due to my brain not wanting to cooperate with me (ever), Bakugou Katsuki is now Batsuki Katsuki in my head.

This is the funniest thing I’ve read today and I’m in t e a r s hahaha

Anon said:Artistic!Mina making pop art and colorful paintings :o what are ur thoughts

HELL YES that’s my main headcanon for Mina, she’s definitely an artsy girl!!! I like the idea of her sharing it with Bakugou t b h

Anon said:I'm still just repeatedly looking at your newest KiriBaku because hot damn.

I’m super glad you liked it!!!!!!! oh my gOD!!!!!!!

Anon said:Heyy please rec Kami comics please! I'm in a Kami art shortage and I currently can't find art as awesome as yours...

I’m so sorry I wish I could help you with this but I don’t know anyone who draws lotsa Kaminari either ;---;

#fran answers #about the tablet #personally i started with a tablet that wasn't a wacom #it was okay to learn the basics but it lasted maybe six months top #and then i had to change it #which is why now im sorta wary about giving my money to other brands #considering that after that i only bought two tablets #both wacoms #and technically i didn't even have to change the first one my family just bought me a new one out of the blue #so yeah people can say whatever they want about wacom but they ARE quality and durable #that said that experience with other brands happened over ten years ago #and the brand wasn't great anyway #so like it's totally possible that new brands are WAY better #check for the reviews! most people are saying they love them #so i guess if your budget is limited you CAN go for another brand #the one i linked is pretty damn huge too im #really tempted to buy it myself t b h #anonymous

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mividaeslimones · 5 years ago

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Day 01: start of the process...

I think this is one of the more unnerving days I’ve had in a while. I checked in at 1:30 pm and it’s now 3:00 pm and there’s still no sign of the provider... I split my time between Michelle Obama’s book, Spanish lessons, and some recipes I found on Pinterest. Driving to the appointment had been the usual level of Albuquerque fuckery, so I can’t complain too much there (I should be used to it), checking in had been a breeze, but this waiting... I almost want to get up and leave I’m so anxious. But I’ll stay positive and keep my ass parked in this chair as other patients are roomed and seen quickly.

I’m moved to another room at 3:05 and this does absolutely nothing for my nerves. But I smile and follow the nurse without complaint anyway. I remind myself I’m not leaving without progress at the very least. I’ve waited too long and have come too far. Just breathe in, breathe out, and repeat. Smile as more patients and clinical staff pass in the hall. There’s a damn good reason the appointment was so delayed which I’ll address later.

It’s now 3:05 pm, I’m ready to climb out of my skin. The provider moseys in and things are...odd? Both of us are actively trying to feel out the other, and I imagine the fly on the wall is tickled pink. When we finally start I’m in tears, in all my 32 years of being on this planet I can fit the number of people who have actively tried to make sure my pronouns were as they should be. It’s a weird and uncomfortably visceral feeling. I cried, she cried, and then she cracked a joke this will be easier, because crying will literally be harder after testosterone.

We chat for a bit and I lean into the conversation with my overly tired and rehearsed, “so I know it varies from state to state, and clinic to clinic, but will I need a diagnosis of dysphoria to make this happen?” Yes, yes I will; insurance companies will outright deny it. She dances around “the question”, I know she’s trying to be delicate with me so I cut in with a wild move.

“When did I know?” She looks relieved and says “yes.” I think for a minute, not because I’m inventing answer, but because I’ve literally never given it a second thought since I’ve pushed it down. It is one of a million neat and tidily wrapped boxes (in a mellowed robin egg blue) I’ve kept locked away inside. “I tell her I feel cliched for saying this, but I think it was kindergarten...” I go on about the rips in the perfect discount tights from Nordstrom and the filthy dresses. I also mention how hilarious I must have looked to the adults who watched the kindergartners. I was the most careful child, but in spite of my best efforts I came home a mess. Can you imagine some poor child comically stepping over puddles and trying to ascend a tree with the tenacity of a sloth? And I would later have the dreaded conversation with my mother on the subject... One day I just decided it wasn’t worth the effort anymore and I caved. I stopped the rough play, then resigned to quieter and less messy activities.

But I still tried on some level... I wanted the reprieve. So I’d slyly sneak over to the boy’s racks of some department store to try toss in a shirt or a pair of pants. And when I was inevitably caught I would be taken by the arm, before I was abrasively whispered something along the lines of, “it will look like no one loves you if you dress like a boy.” It was another weird little box to unwrap... Honestly, it didn’t feel like something that belonged to me anymore. Kind of like when you step into a house that was converted into a museum. You see the remnants of a life lived by someone eons ago, and it’s sad to some extent, but it’s not real, or tangible. After having context for some of this I think I sort of understand her reasoning... As awful as some of her behavior was, I think it came from a good place, which I’ll get into later.

Woo! Anyway! The provider went on to ask a few more things before we finished up the brief questionnaire. I honestly mean it was brief, like the Spanish Inquisition could have laughed at it. I was asked about the surgery portion and I said I wasn’t ready, not out of fear, but out of an understanding of how the procedure works. If a person wants a something like a subcutaneous mastectomy (boob removal) with chest contouring (shaping of your moobs), you need something to be there, if you’re particular about the outcome. If you’re not, you’re amazing and more power to you. But for the rest of us (who avoided the gym) we will need to work building up that area as much as we can. The question came up of if I wanted to keep my current primary provider and I said yes. My doctor is more enthusiastic about this whole thing than I am, like she sounded ready to jump on anyone who dared tell me no to any of this. I did mention it was weird that my current health system (outside of UNM) didn’t have a way to look up the endocrinologist who helps trans patients. I even called when I couldn’t find anything online. I said it was kind of my deciding factor to keep this part of my care with UNM, since that seemed very sketch to me. She also seemed to think it was a little odd, and quietly brought the rest of my concern up... Which was this endocrinologist may treat trans patients frequently, but he may not be the gentlest or versed, and we moved along...

It was weird, she was willing to give me a script that day, but she was hesitant to bring up the blood panel. Which I was completely fine with by the way! I would much rather be safe than sorry, your health is nothing to take for granted. Shoot I even requested to tack on another for peace of mind (STI check). I’m going to be checked to see where my glucose is at, along with my cholesterol, if my cells are clumping or if it looks like I might have something like macrocytosis (puffy/large cells), and I’m getting a pregnancy test. I’d be shocked if the last one turned up anything, I haven’t done the horizontal tango since the beginning of the year, I think, it’s been a long time okay.

I did kick myself when I realized I broke my own cardinal rule before the appointment. DON’T EAT. I always shoot for the earliest appointment available so I can eat immediately after, this wasn’t an option, so I ate on accident... You never know when your provider will want to order blood work. Which means this could completely screw up a blood panel. It’s the equivalent of crossing your legs when you’re getting your blood pressure taken. Now I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn and get a draw... Which would have meant waiting to take the testosterone, because yes you guessed it, that too would skew the results.

In all honesty, I’d have to wait on taking the script anyway, my insurance has to approve it and get something from my doctor. I had suspected this from the get go, because nothing in life if ever this easy for me. Haha. And it was confirmed when the pharmacy technician looked over the sheet of paper. I could see it in his eyes there was an issue, still he optimistically told me twenty minutes. He was super nice and apologetic about the whole thing, and he even urged me to call everyone and their mother if I hadn’t heard anything in a week, so this didn’t fall through the cracks. Like the man was so adamant about it, the whole thing threw me off.

So if you’re still wanting to know why the appointment was so late, there was a power outage yesterday. With everything being digital this can take some clinics or organizations days or weeks to catch up on (if there was extensive damage). And if you’re wondering about the mother thing, well, she had a cousin who died of HIV/aids. He was the sweetest and kindest man, with the most rotten luck in the world. Some would say he would have no luck at all if it weren’t for all the bad luck. He was also gay. I’m not going to name him, I didn’t know him, and it might upset my great aunt to know I posted this. I adore her, so I won’t do that. My point is, I genuinely think she still fears the maybes, the might bes, or the definites of living outside of what society has deemed as acceptable. Which is probably problematic, but I don’t think there is anything anyone could do or say to sway her at this point. Personally? I don’t care. Since I’ve lived in New Mexico I’ve had random men try to solicit me on a jog, I’ve been groped at my place of employment, I’ve had a gun pointed in my face, I’ve had people put me in headlocks, people have laid hands on my property with the intent to damage it, some have even succeeded in damaging it, and I’ve had my life threatened. I think I’m over the worst case scenario. I also think I need to dial things back a notch. After living here for over ten years I recognize that I’ve become harder and colder; I am absolutely ready to pop off on someone who’s clearly in the wrong. But today has taught me, that things are indeed easier than they used to be, and they’re continuing to improve.

#transisbeautiful #trans #transitioning #FTM #Pre T FTM #FTM Positivity

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isabellafaulkner-blog · 7 years ago

Text

The Welcome Ball

Hello, hello! So this is my fic for the first challenge. I am sorry, but I couldn’t fit all the RPs in this thing or it would be more like a book haha! With mentions of @ingrid-liljedahl @debbieker @domschreave @ariciaeast @calistapledger @madelynknightoftheselection @emmalynatwood @aikoellis and @theiahuntley Sorry for any typos, some might have slipped through.

I look around the room. 10 girls have just heard that they are eliminated. I am in shock. This whole elimination round is only based on the introduction interviews. Had they done this badly? Did they make a poor impression on the prince? Or did he just not like them?

Don’t get me wrong, I am so relieved that I am still here. Now there is only 20 something of us left. Less competition, if you look at it from one side. But it is hard to see friends leaving.

Some girls stay in the women’s room, but I don’t. There is only one place where I want to be right now.

I knock on Ingrid’s door. “Come in!” hearing her voice makes me sad already.

There she is, sitting on the floor and packing up her stuff.

“I am so sad you’re leaving.” I try to keep my voice stable. “You are such a sweet person, don’t forget that!”

I walk towards her, I can see that she is sad as well.

“I’m really going to miss you Isabella, hopefully we will be able to write each other often!” Ingrid says.

I nod my head, “Yes I will write you lots of letters! And please come visit me in Bankston if you want!”

“Of course! I’ll come visit you in the palace when you win!”

I laugh a little, “I gotta up my game to win this thing! I will miss you so much though!” Tears start forming in my eyes, “and I know we only just met a couple of days ago but you already felt like one of my closest friends!”

Now I am legit crying.

“Same with you.” Tears stream down Ingrid’s face, “Don’t forget about me alright?”

I wipe Ingrid’s tears away, “I won’t forget about you! I will write you! And I will visit you!”

“Thank you Isabella!” is all she can say.

I give her a big and long hug. I tell her how amazing and wonderful and fantastic she is. Then we say our goodbyes. I will miss Ingrid a lot, the palace will be a little emptier without her. But I am sure she will find everything she is looking for!

I decide to go to the library, where it is peaceful and quiet like always.

I start reading one of the books Aricia recommended me, All the Light We cannot See. Which is a historical fiction book according to Aricia. I read a few chapters, but I keep losing my attention. It’s not because I don’t like the book, I like it very much. It is so intriguing and interesting.

The eliminations keep blocking my mind. Of course I knew this is a competition, but these girls all mean so much to me. I feel like I have already made lifelong friends. Debbie, Aricia and Ingrid, just to name a few. One of them is already send home. In a mass elimination. We don’t know what goes on in Dom’s mind, perhaps the next elimination will happen sooner than expected.

I try not to think of it too much, but that is harder than I thought. I flip my book open again and read some lines. However I am not really reading, I am just scanning.

This is not good. I close the book again and place it on the table I was sitting at. I sigh and look around.

This library keeps on blowing my mind. It is so gorgeous and immensely big. I wonder if there is anyone who has read all the books.

I realize that reading won’t be a success today, so I grab the book and get up.

I stop when I stand in front of the big doors of the library. “I will enjoy this whole experience more.” I promise myself. I could be eliminated next, after all.

I return to my bedroom, where my maids are busy sketching some more dresses. I could watch them all day, they are so passionate and creative. Once they have finishes, they proudly show their new sketches.

I spend the rest of my day in my bedroom. I write some letters to Erika and my grandparents. After that I take a long bath. When I get out, I feel like a new person. Relaxed and ready to take on the world.

***

The breakfast has been delicious as usual. All these different kinds of food. So many choices. The smell of fresh baked breads is hanging in the air. This is going to be a good day.

I am on my way back to my bedroom when I spot Debbie in the hall. “Hi Debs!” I say as I walk over to her, “How are you today?” Debbie turns around, smiling as always “Morning Bella! I’m doing great thanks. I’m going for a run at the beach as every morning.”

That’s when I notice that she is wearing her running outfit. “Wanna join me?” Debbie asks. I nod my head, “Yes that seems lovely! I’d love to get out of the palace!”

“Yaay!” Debbie exclaims, her face lighting up as she smiles “I will wait for you to get ready for it.” “Great!” I clap my hands in excitement, “Be right back!”

I hurry back to my room. One of my maids, Mona, is just making the bed. “Lady Isabella, is there anything I can do for you?” she asks, blowing a piece of hair out of her face. I make my way over to the closet, “Do we happen to have any clothes for sporting?”

“Yes! On the shelf, to your left.” I quickly spot the outfit and grab it with my hands, “Thanks! Got it!”

I am happy to get out of the dress I had been wearing and change into the sports leggings. It is great to wear some sort of pants again. I throw the tank top on and put my hair in a high pony tail. “What kind of sports are you going to do?” Mona asks, she looks at me with curious eyes. “I am going for a run on the beach with Debbie,” I say as I tie my shoes.

“Don’t forget to put some sun block on then!” Mona walks over to the bathroom, grabs the bottle and hands it to me. “Thank you so much! What would I do without you, Mona?” I smile as I open the bottle.

Mona is so motherly, despite her being only a few years older than me. She always thinks about the little things that I would easily forget.

Debbie is still standing on her spot, looking out of the window that is overlooking the garden. “Ready!” I exclaim and smile. Debbie turns to face me, “Nice! How do you always look so well?” she asks as we both start walking towards the stairs.

I blush, “Awh Debbie, you are way too nice!” I spot a smear of sun block on my arm and rub it out, “You always look on fleek!”

“Liar!” Debbie chuckles, “but thanks.”

The doors towards the beach are open, the fresh sea wind blows in my face. It feels so refreshing. Debbie looks at me, “Hey, how was your interview with Dom?”

I smile at the thought, “It was okay. He is so handsome!” I blush at the thought of Dom. “But I think I kinda ruined it, have I ever told you about my mom?”

Debbie shakes her head. “In short she doesn’t like the royals and is very much against them. And I told Dom, since it is better to be honest.”I pull the rubber band out of my hair to redo my ponytail, “But I feel like he now thinks I share my mom’s opinion, which I don’t.” I pull my ponytail a little tighter. “I guess we will see, if he eliminates me then we know he is not convinced.”

Debbie’s eyes are wide open, “No you hadn’t told me about it before. Why does your mom hate the royals?”

“I don’t know what my mom has against them to be honest. When she found out I got selected, she forbid me from going and then locked me inside my bedroom.” I bet my face is showing my feelings, “I am sad that she doesn’t support me in my life decisions, she just forces her opinion on everyone.”

“A similar thing happened to me, my dad has become a very reserved man since my mom died, but he had never been strict or anything.” Debbie starts, “ He used to let us make our life decisions. But when I mentioned the selection to him, he went mad! That was so weird, he doesn’t even give me a logical reason.” she sighs.

I look at Debbie, “Hmm that is a bit weird if you ask me! Does the rest of your family support you?”

“My family is just me, my dad and my brother Keelan,” her face lightens up, “he’s the most supportive idiot ever! I love him.” Debbie’s face speaks more than a thousand words. A warm glow has fallen over her face and that is not the sweat from running.

“Oh yes, you have told me about your brother! He sounds so sweet! And very protective!” I face Debbie, who is smiling. “I am sure he must be very proud of you! And your father will be proud of you as well!” I give her a reassuring nod.

The mention of her father makes the warm glow disappear, “I don’t know about my father, all that happened with him before I got selected made me realize that I don’t even know him! I was going to work things out with him but…” Debbie stops and exhales exasperated.

I stop running as well. “Perhaps something else is happening in his life. I don’t know.” I place a hand on her shoulder, “Everything you are doing here, you can be so proud of yourself! I am sure your dad is also very proud, you’re his daughter!”

“Thanks… I’m sorry if I’m not good with advices… But I am sure your mom loves you a lot!” Debbie pulls a thoughtful face, “Now that I think about it… Parents have weird ways to show their love.” she starts laughs.

I join her, “Yes that must be true! I have never seen a parent express love to their children in a normal way.”

We start running again, “Anyway, how did your interview go?” Debbie smiles, “Surprisingly good, I felt really comfortable talking to him, we could have more in common than I thought!”

I clap my hands. “Yaay! I am rooting for you! Did you flirt with him?” I smile and wink at her. That makes Debbie laugh, “What are you talking about? I don’t know how to… flirt…” she grins. I role my eyes sarcastically, “Liar!” I start laughing. “I think you and Dom would make the most beautiful couple!”

“Hmm… maybe, but I want you to be my next queen!” she says, emphasizing on ‘you’. I laugh at her statement, “Me? Then you will have to convince Dom that he likes me!”I giggle at the thought of Debbie forcing Dom to like me.

Debbie faces me, “I’m sure Dom likes you! Even before we arrived here I read somewhere that you were one of his favourites!”

I can’t seem to stop laughing. This girl is so convinced! “Yeah but that also means he has high expectations! And you know what they say, the higher the expectations the more they can disappoint!”

“I’m sure you didn’t disappoint him… I would have loved to see his face when he saw you!” Debbie exclaims.

“Well he did call me gorgeous and said I was a beautiful view.” I admit. My cheeks are turning red, I can feel it. “But personality is also important!” I say in the midst of my giggling.

“Wooo! I knew it! Look at your face!” Debbie points at me, my cheeks turn even more red. “Don’t worry about that! Enjoy all this experience! You are a great girl, why do you think you are my favourite?” Debbie winks as she says it.

I tell her that she is my favourite too. Then we finally arrive at the beach. I look around and let the fresh sea breeze cool me down a little. “This beach is gorgeous!” I spot some seagulls flying over us.

“Oh look! There are the guards!” I point towards their direction. Debbie turns around to see what I am looking at. Her eyes open wide with excitement, “Oh my God! The view wasn’t this good yesterday. Nature really can surprise us sometimes! She giggles. I look at Debbie, “Are you sure you are talking about the nature, huh?” I wink at her, “Let’s get a little closer!”

“Wait!” Debbie grabs my arm, “Act natural, we are just here running.” She starts jogging away from me. I follow her quickly. “Wait, are we gonna run past them? Or go watch them? We need a plan!” I say, while laughing.

“The plan is admire the view without losing our heads,” Debbie puts a hand on her neck, “If you know what I mean.” I nod, I want to keep my head. “Stay calm and cool! And don’t be too obvious!”

“Ok, let’s go!” Debbie says as she jogs away. I take a little sprint to catch up on her. We are coming closer and closer to the training guards.

“Look at them! They are so muscular!” I try to whisper, but that is quite difficult whilst running. “Move over Dom, give me one of them!” I laugh, but quickly add that I am only kidding.

Debbie does a better job at whispering, “It’s like I had never seen real men before. I mean, compared to them…” I laugh, “True though! Which one do you think is the hottest?” This question gives us both the opportunity to have a proper look at the guards.

“I don’t know, it’s hard to see them properly and be discreet at the same time!” Debbie looks at me, “But I like gorgeous black haired men, so anyone with those characteristics will do!” she chuckles. I point to a guy with dark brownish hair and a little tan, “What do you think of that one?”

As we pass the training guards, Debbie says “You have a good eye, Bella! He’s cute! Don’t turn around now, but I think he’s looking at you,” to which she grins.

I turn around very obvious, “What are you saying?” I turn back to Debbie, “He is totally looking at you!” Debbie laughs. I turn around again to be sure he is looking at Debbie. “Wait don’t… What did I just say!!?” she is half whispering and half shouting.

I turn back to Debbie, laughing. She wanted to be discreet, yet here she is shouting. “Girl believe me, he is checking you out! And I totally planned to be this obvious,” I laugh, “I’m sorry, I just can’t be discreet.”

Debbie turns around as well, “Nope he wasn’t… And now all of them are looking at us!” she laughs, “let’s get out of here before I lose my beautiful head!”

“Or we could stay,” I wink and laugh at the same time, “I am only kidding, this is a little awkward!”

I turn around for one final look, before we head back to the palace. “The guards look hot though, they don’t have to wear their shirts at the palace. I will be totally fine with them walking around shirtless.”

“I wouldn’t complain either!” Debbie admits, “maybe when you are queen, you can make a law or something.” she starts giggling again.

“Debbie!” I exclaim, but I can’t control my laughing, “I will make sure you have your own bunch of shirtless guards!” Debbie smiles, “Fair enough!”

“Or you just come living at the palace!” I laugh, “What am I saying? I have to win first!”

Debbie looks at me and winks, “You’re almost there!” I blush, “The competition is hard though!”

On our way back to the palace we talk about our favourite food. Turns out Debbie loves anything that involves coffee. We also talk about my grandparents’ restaurant and Debbie’s farm.

Once I get back to my bedroom, I am exhausted. From the running and the laughing.

***

The Welcome ball had been announced a couple of days ago. It is so nice of the royal family to organize a ball for all us girls to feel welcome. I have never been to such an event before. Yes, I have done runway shows and I have been to premier parties and stuff. But a ball? No! This is something different!

Today is the day. The Welcome ball is tonight. I am so nervous. I don’t even know why. Nothing can go wrong. Okay that is a lie, a lot of things can go wrong. I can rip my dress, spill food or drinks on myself, or I can fall on my face.

“Okay. Isabella. Calm down!” I say to myself.

My maids have been working on the ball dress for days. They had shown me a sketch of the dress and it was already so gorgeous. They are the most talented group of girls I have ever met. They know exactly which colours and which shapes look good on me.

The bright red dress is hanging on the upper side of the closet. In this way it doesn’t touch the floor. It has some sparkles on the waistline area. It already looks incredible. I can’t wait to put it on!

Today is going to be a day of relaxing. I have taken a bath and I have already painted my nails in a lovely soft pink colour.

I get orders from my maids to sit on a chair and move as less as possible.

They are doing my hair and makeup right now. I am used to people touching my hair from all the modelling I have done. But these girls work so softly and refined, which is great because that takes away my nerves.

“Would you like a bold eye or a bold lip?” Cindy, one of my maids, asks. I think about it for a second and look at my dress again, “I’d say bold lip.” Cindy nods in agreement, “Good choice, Lady Isabella.”

Once they give me the signal that I am done, I move over to the mirror and have a look at myself. My maids have done an outstanding job. I couldn’t look any better!

My hair is straightened, but they added some volume to the top part. This makes it look very natural, yet elegant. I love it!

My eye makeup is simple, just natural colours and some mascara. My maids have put a bright red lipstick on my lips. I love this, it is the perfect shade for my skin colour. And last but definitely not least, they put some highlighter on my cheeks. Highlighter has always been my favourite part about makeup. It adds some brightness to one’s face. The whole makeup fits my dress perfectly.

My maids help me get into my dress. It fits just like a glove.

I admire the dress in the mirror. The colour is even brighter when I have the dress on. But it doesn’t drown me. No. It makes me stand out.

I notice that the sparkles are all over the upper body part. The little one-shoulder detail. It is just perfect! I couldn’t have wished for a prettier dress.

“You’ll be the centre of attention!” Cindy says, to which my two other maids nod in agreement.

I keep saying thank you to my maids, which makes them blush. They wish me a lot of fun at the ball. Cindy quickly and quietly adds, “Please tell us everything when you return.” I smile at their curious faces, “Yes of course!”

***

I arrive in the ball room. It is so gorgeous. I see tables with all sorts of drinks and foods lined up. People are dancing on the dance floor. All of the royals are there and they all look amazing.

They are playing classical music. I recognize Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. I smile at the tunes, it is one of Vivaldi’s best works.

I make my way over to the girls of my hall. Calista, Aricia, Debbie, Aiko, Emmalyn, Madelyn and Theia. They are all lovely girls. Thankfully, I had the chance to meet them at breakfast the other day.

They all look so gorgeous. It is amazing to see that everyone has their own style.

The dress is wearing Calista makes her look like she is going to take down a man. Aricia is wearing a soft pink dress which looks amazing on her. Madelyn’s dress has some golden details which makes her shine bright like a diamond. Emmalyn is wearing a beautiful black dress, it accentuates her body very well. Theia’s dress is so gorgeous, very elegant but also playful and flirty. Aiko also looks stunning in her beautiful dress. And lastly there is Debbie in her big, pink and red dress. It looks very pretty with her hair and skin colour.

We talk some more about our interviews. Followed by some small talk about food and hobbies. I just love it when people talk passionately about the things they like. Just like Emmalyn and Madelyn talk about photography. The excitement lightens up their faces.

After the little catch up, everyone goes their own way.

I grab Debbie’s hand and drag her towards the dance floor. We start moving to the rhythm of the music. Debbie looks around the room, “Have you talked to any of the royals yet?”

My eyes open wide, “No I haven’t. Is that bad?”

Debbie giggles at the look on my face, “No I guess not, but I’m curious to know them all. I want to greet the King and Queen but they are kind of intimidating.” she presses her lips together.

I look around and find the King and Queen dancing together. “I know right! But they are just normal people after all.” I realize what I am saying and start laughing, “That’s me saying that, while I am so nervous about talking to the Prince.”

Debbie faces me, she looks very serious “What are you scared of? He likes you, everything will be alright.”

“Perhaps the fact that all these girls are competing for his heart as well.” I say, fidgeting my dress between my fingers.

“Well, yeah, you have a point there… But don’t be scared, the fear is going to stop you from enjoying all this!” Debbie spins me around, “Relaaaaax and have fun!”

A little dizzy from the spin, I giggle “I will try to enjoy this more!”

After a while I ask, “Are you going to ask Prince Dom for a dance?”

Debbie looks at him, “I would love to but he has danced with everyone already, I wonder if he’s feeling dizzy already.” she scoffs, “He looks very handsome tonight, doesn’t he?”

I smile and turn so I can look at him as well. “Yes he does! He always looks handsome!”

“I know right?!” Debbie chuckles, “How annoying!” she winks at me.

I decide to play along with it so I sarcastically say, “The one who ends up with him is going to suffer a lot!” Debbie sighs, “That’s why I’m willing to sacrifice myself.” She pretends to be annoyed, but I detect a sign of fun across her face “But only because I love all of you.”

“How generous of you,” I start laugh, “I bet your children will be just as handsome.” Debbie laughs at my statement.

“Girl, I’d say you go ask him for a dance! I think he would love that!” I give her a reassuring smile.

“I will go talk to him… Wish me luck!” Debbie stops dancing, so I stop as well. “You can do this, girl! I have faith in you!” I smile at her.

Debbie returns my smile “But first let’s go back to the snack’s table. I won’t leave you here dancing alone!”

“So you would rather leave me at the food table, where I can stuff myself?” I laugh at the thought of it.

Debbie grins, “I just want you to save me some of those mini cupcakes!”

“I can’t promise there will be any left when you return!”

Debbie pulls a sad face, “Ok…” She grabs two glasses of red wine, “Here I go!”

I laugh “I was only kidding! I will protect them with my life! Now go to him! Be flirty!” I wink at her as she faces me one more time.

“I’m serious Bella, our friendship depends on this!” she points to me with her finger. A little smile forms around her lips, she winks at me and then walks away.

I watch Debbie make her way over to Dom. She places one of her hands over his eyes. I can’t help but smile, this girl is trying her hardest.

I do what I promised Debbie and protect the cupcakes. But they look so delicious. There are so many different flavours. Debbie wouldn’t notice if one of them is missing, would she?

I look back at Debbie and Dom and from what I can see things are going great. I look back at all the cupcakes on the table. I decide to go for the safe choice and pick up a vanilla cupcake. I always love vanilla. I take a little bite. This tastes amazing! Quickly but elegantly I eat the rest of the cupcake.

Then I notice that someone is walking towards me. I try to recognize his face, but I can’t recall that I have seen this person before. However, I do recognize his outfit. Well, I recognize that is from a guard.

“Lady Isabella,” he says as he bows, “Would you care for a dance?”

I drop in a little curtsy, whilst trying to detect any cupcake crumbs on my face. I can see that Dom and Debbie are still talking. “I’m sorry,” I focus back on the guard again, “but I can’t.”

He looks at me with curious eyes, “Why not? Let me guess, you’re not the dancer-type of girl.” I give him a confused look, “That is not it. Just for your information, I love dancing.” He returns the same confused look, “Then why can’t you dance?”

I sigh. Why is this guard still here talking to me, there are tons of other girls in this room who would love to be asked for a dance. “You see that girl talking to Prince Dom?” I say as I move my head in Debbie’s direction, “She asked me to protect these cupcakes.”

At first the guard looks at me like I have gone crazy, but then his face softens and he starts laughing. “That’s the reason you can’t dance?” I nod. “I will be right back, don’t go anywhere.” I give him a I have to protect these cupcakes look before he walks away.

I face the dance floor again. A lot of people are dancing. They all seem so carefree and happy. I really want to dance as well, I just wish it was with Prince Dom. All night girls have been asking him for a dance and he hasn’t refused any of them. He had moved so elegantly across the dance floor, swaying the girl with him. I can only imagine how it would feel to dance with him.

However I won’t ask him for a dance. No. Every single girl has asked him for a dance. I don’t want to be a dime in a dozen. No. I want him to remember me. And not just as one of his many dances.

I snap out of my daydream just in time, to see the guard approaching from the corner of my eye. However he is not alone this time. Another guard is walking right behind him. He extends his arm to me, “Come on! Let’s go have a dance.” his eyes smile at me.

For a second I am in doubt. But then grab his arm anyway. He guides me towards the dance floor. I look back at the cupcake table, where the other guard is standing like he is on the night’s watch. “He will protect those cupcakes with his life,” the guard whispers in my ear.

Turns out this guard is an incredible dancer. He sure has a feeling for rhythm. He guides me across the dance floor and makes me spin around.

After a few songs, I thank him for the dance. He smiles and takes a bow, “Thank you, Lady Isabella.”

I smile at him. But before I can say anything else, he is already walking away.

Okay then.

I look around to see Dom standing on his own.

This is my chance to talk to Prince Dom, I won’t let this opportunity pass. I quickly walk over to him.

I smile and drop in a deep curtsy, “Hello Your Highness. Would you like to go grab some air outside?”

Dom looks around the room, “Yeah, I guess I could use a breather.”

“Okay great!” I smile at his answer, “It won’t take very long, just a little bit of refreshing.”

“Exactly.” he says as he walks outside.

I follow him, trying to make large steps and catch up with him. “How are you?” I ask once we are outside.

“Pretty exhausted. Twenty girls all trying to dance with me at once.” He chuckles, “It’s partly a dream come true and partly a nightmare.”

I think back at how the girls were circling around him. They remind me of predators, waiting for their opportunity to attack their prey.

“I can imagine yes.” I smile up at him, “You are doing a great job, by giving all of us some time with you!”

He smiles back at me, “Thanks. It’s so difficult spending time with so many beautiful women.”

“And we are all here for one handsome men.” my face is still in a smile.

“Right.” He is still smiling as well.

Okay Isabella, it’s time to step up your game.

I decide to end this cycle of exchanging smiles and look up at the sky. “You can see all the stars tonight, so beautiful!”

Dom follows my example and looks up as well, “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t normally pay much attention to the stars…”

I look at Dom again, “How come?”

I feel immediately stupid for asking. He is the Prince, soon to be King. Of course he doesn’t have time to look at the stars.

He shrugs at my question “Don’t have time, don’t go outside much, take your pick.”

I bite on my bottom lip, “Oh yes. I am sorry, I forgot. You must be busy all the time.” I can’t face him now, I feel like an idiot. So I look up at the sky again.

“Pretty much. It’s nice to have peaceful moments like these.”

“I am glad I can be a part of this one,” I smile, “if you want some alone time, please tell, then I will just go back inside!”

“No, it’s fine. I’m enjoying the company.” he admits.

I am glad it is dark outside, so Dom can’t see my blushing cheeks. “Thank you! I am enjoying your company as well!”

We stay outside for some more minutes before I ask, “Shall we head back inside? I don’t want to ruin the girls’ opportunities to dance with you.” I laugh a little, thinking about the predator-prey thing again.

“That’s true, I should get back. Is that alright with you?”

I nod, “Yes it is fine!” I smile again, “I had fun though, you are great to talk to. Even if it was just a little conversation.”

We walk back inside. “Thanks,” Dom starts, “So I’ll… see you later?”

“Yes of course.” I am still smiling. “Have fun with the dances,” I say and wink at him.

Geez Isabella, a wink?

“I will.” Dom winks back.

I chuckle, he looks adorable when he is winking. “See you later!” I wave at him and walk away.

Back in the ball room, I notice that some girls have left already. To be honest I am pretty tired myself. So I decide to go back to my bedroom.

I quickly get out of my dress and put on my nightgown.

I lay down in my bed and fall asleep immediately.

#challenge 1 #selectionoc #isabella faulkner

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 7 years ago

Text

Hard Times | June Goals Update

So it’s been another month. Somewhat scary to think that time flies straight over your head, and doesn't ever stop...

Anywho...

*If you would prefer to not read my struggles with bipolar disorder and in particular, the depressive side of it, feel free to skip past this ramble!*

Hey People of Earth!

I’ve had a month. It opened shitty, ended shitty, lots of shitty things happened in between. In regards to June--damn, how shitty it has been.

I have tried writing this post on its own for around a week now. And every single time I try, I end up trashing the draft. Last night I decided not to trash the draft, and post it today, but I’ve somehow trashed the draft.

Again...

So. I've sort of been severely depressed since the start of the month... Oh boy...

If you don't know, I was diagnosed officially as bipolar on May 31st of this year. I kid you not, the very next day, I fell back into this terrible depressive rut I haven't been able to escape since.

I’ve been waiting three years for someone to just validate the feelings I've had--I’ve been desperate for someone to tell me what my doctor told me on May 31st. I was convinced that hearing those words, hearing that diagnosis would make me the happiest person in the world, and I think it’s the disappointment that stemmed from not having that that just choked me this month.

I don’t know why hearing so hey, Rachel, yo, you’re actually bipolar sent me into the deepest, darkest hole I have ever existed in. Because I’d been waiting so long to hear those words. Past Me was positive everything would be better after I heard those words. Past Me always thought everything would get better after hearing those words, but things have only gotten progressively worse.

I’m diagnosed as bipolar, and I can’t tell you how hard that has been to swallow.

I’m sincerely sorry for missing blog posts, and promising I’ll come back, and then never coming back. I’ve literally torn myself apart because of this... But, I’ve lived like a ghost this month, and doing anything has been so painful.

I went from high to low in the span of seconds, and I can’t leave.

I want to get into how it feels to be bipolar, and to cycle into these moods so frequently. Of course, this is only my experience with this disorder. Others might not experience this like I do.

So for me, shifting from high to low feels like someone is punching me in the face, and will not stop. I hate going from okay one moment, to so low the next. It’s so frustrating to me. Ask my family or friends--it’s fucking frustrating for them too because do you know how difficult it is for someone to see you having the time of your life one day, and then being in such a dark place the next? I hardly understand this. I can’t imagine how those around me feel. Switching from high to low feels like I’m a failure, and I cannot stop failing, because of all things, I can’t control my own brain, even though I feel like I should have that right. I’m not strong enough to control my brain--it controls me. Switching from high to low makes me feel so stuck. Like I’m struggling in quicksand, but there is no way out. You feel defeated by yourself, even though you shouldn't have a competition within yourself . But that’s kind of what goes on with me every time this happens. My body and soul go to war, when that should never happen.

I feel like to a point, while I emphasize honesty in my blog posts, there’s a line I draw. There’s a point where I fear if I talk more about this, and talk more about the fact that every single thing I did in June was torturous, people will not want to listen. I don’t want to bog people down. But this affects my writing life so much, and in turn, will affect you.

Imagine one day, you’re on top of the world. You have everything you could ever want. You are successful. You feel great about yourself. You are in the best state you have ever been in. Now imagine, the next day, you witness something so upsetting, you spiral into the deepest rut you’ve ever been in. You don't want to keep going. You’re choking on your own life. You feel hollow.

This happens to me. Every day. Every week. Every month.

I wish I could be more positive about this... I miss my positivity so much.

I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this on here before. But January and February are always the worst months I ever have to experience. Jan and Feb of 2015 were emotionally draining, but I didn’t know why, so I moved along as they went. Jan and Feb of 2016? A little harder to get by, but I did it, with a little help from ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES. Jan and Feb of 2017? Completely different ball game. I’ve never fought so hard to stay here.

Until June…

I always said that if I didn’t have a diagnosis before January and February of 2018, I’d probably not survive beyond then.

I didn’t know I was capable of feeling that pain in a completely different realm of time.

June isn’t the winter. June is sunny, and bright, and where all the happiness should stem from. There are flowers outside. The sky is blue. Everything is beautiful. June isn’t supposed to bring misery like January and February. June is supposed to be breezy and light, and the cross into summer vacation. But I just exited the hardest month I’ve ever had to live through. And I hate that I’ve said that statement somewhere around 8 times in my life, and I’m hardly even sixteen.

I can’t tell you why I’m so depressed. I can’t explain it. I can’t tell you it’s because something bad happened in my life. Because nothing did. Nothing happened. Nothing should have changed.

Gah. I didn't want to have to say all of this. But I know if I don't know, I never will.

So welcome to my off day. Or my off month. I guess.

So now that all of that's been said, let’s get into these insanely ambiguous goals, shall we?

1. Hit 80k in FOSTERED #5.

HIT 90K BABY.

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

Didn’t even touch the thing. lol sorry.

3. Upload another video.

Guess who didn’t do this. Guess who has a video ready to upload just sitting on her computer. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Actually, I do. (Reference above, lol)

(I will get this thing up when I feel a little better I promise!)

4. Read a book yo.

Didn’t do this. Also because of the above. Sigh. I did start THE HATE U GIVE and it’s amazing thus far. I’m around 100 pages in, and I love it.

5. Finish another character portrait.

If there’s something I did this month... Jeez...

I did a lot of art this month, man... So I mean, if there’s a silver lining to anything, it’s that... I actually just finished one of these an hour ago. I’m not going to show you one of them because I’m not digging the final outcome that much.

I finished this AWESOME painting of Emily from the FOSTERED books AKA the character who looks different every time I write with her... lol. (Did I just call my own art awesome? Uhm, well I say awesome because @sarahkelsiwrites drew the sketch, I only painted it in. So yes.)

I don't like complimenting my own work, but um, I think I have substantially (and quite miraculously) improved my abilities to shade using the painterly technique.

I actually did my first digital painting using the painterly technique earlier in the month.

Here I bring you, ‘Angsty Ben’

LOOK AT HIS EYELINER

LOOK AT HIS BLEACHED HAIR

LOOK AT HIS LIP RING.

LOOK AT HIS ANGST PATCH JACKET

LOOK AT HIS STROKES FANBOY T-SHIRT

THE SURF CURSE PATCH KILLS ME

WHO ELSE SEES THE CLIFFORD IS A DISAPPOINTMENT PATCH ON THE BOTTOM LEFT.

LOWKEY WHAT A FUTURE 17-YEAR-OLD BEN LOOKS LIKE.

Hahahahahaaaaaaa

I know. This is the best thing I’ve ever created. Ha. So this cheered me up. Awesome.

Obviously, it’s not entirely finished, though I’m just stopping here at this point, because it was really only here as a test in shading.

My point here, is that I think there’s quite a large improvement in shading...

@sarahkelsiwrites did an amazing job on Emily’s sketch, so huge thanks to her! I have a speedpaint for this, so it’ll be up at some point in time... Harrison is actually supposed to be next to her, buuuuut he’s giving me trouble, so... (He will be completed at some point in time also.)

AND NOW LOOK HOW LIT THIS IS

@sarahkelsiwrites drew me the most AMAZING portrait of Lonan, and I die.

If you don't know, the name Lonan means blackbird, and the meaning of his name, though never stated in the books, is a huge point of symbolism in the novels...

This is the sketch she drew (excuse the world’s shittiest scan):

(It’s shitty a) because the paper is kind of way too big for the scanner, and b) because haha my scanner is shitty)

BUT CAN WE JUST.

And then I, around an hour ago, went in and added colour...

AHHHHHHHH

Sarah said she’d eventually like to do a digital painting of this as well, so I’m just so stoked... THE SYMBOLISM IN THIS DRAWING ACTUALLY MURDERS MEEEEEE.

Cuz yanno, birds are supposed to be in cages, but LOOK AT HIIIIM.

In other news, I finally have an idea for book five’s cover...

Bless you, Sarah. Bless. This thing makes me so happy.

I also have a speedpaint for this. So yeah. Onslaught of vids coming your way the minute I start feeling better.

6. Complete that huge edit on FOSTERED #5.

YAAAAAS. I did this. In school. Like a boss. If you don't know, I like to go back and edit my novel every 10k words or so, and accidentally eventually let the usual 10k turn into 30k... So to continue writing, I had to make a bit of a large edit, and I did it! I think it happened in a day or so? So it was a lot less arduous than anticipated.

7. *Maybe* re-visit I’M DISAPPOINTED. Just maybe. If it won’t drive you nuts. Or at least look at the query and fix it up a little.

I thought about re-visiting I’M DISAPPOINTED. lol. Does that count. (More news on what the heck is happening with this book in my writing update which should be up at some point in time..)

8. Write at least 100 words in the I’M DISAPPOINTED short story.

I didn’t do this. I was supposed to edit what I had. I have it all formatted and everything. But I never printed it out... So then, I just never wrote anything...

Ahhh well, look at all the amazing art above, lol. I’ve done more, but I’m saving all that stuff for later when they’re all cleaned up and stuff.

So those were all my goals and stuff. So I mean, even though I had the shittiest month ever, I still managed to somehow get a lot of things done. I’m addicted to work. This is a problem.

(Oh by the way, another goal I hit this month... You know how I said a while back that I wanted to get a 97% average this semester? Well... uh. I kind of did. 97.25% to be exact... yeaaaaaahhhhhh I should stop...)

So here are more goals:

1. Hit 100k in FOSTERED #5

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

3. Upload another video.

4. Read a book yo.

5. Finish another character portrait

like come on

6. Write at least 100 words in the I’M DISAPPOINTED short story.

pls.

Some exciting things happening in my life right now:

- I’m seeing Ed Sheeran in concert this FRIDAYYYYYY

- I might be seeing Precious Kid in Pennsylvania. Possibly.

- MY BROTHERS MET PRECIOUS KID

- I’M SEEING FLIPPIN SURF CURSE IN CONCERT AT THE END OF AUGUST

- Also going to Mexico

So many things are happening, man...

Because this post started out as the world’s biggest bummer, I want to maybe help anybody out there who needs some comfort by sharing a couple of things that’ve made my past month less terrible.

Daughter performances have been the only thing keeping me going at night when I can’t sleep. My insomnia hasn’t left me alone for this entire week. After trying everything I know of (come on fam, even my favourite ASMR vid doesn’t work), I’ve resorted to watching performances of one of my favourite bands.

Elena writes beautiful songs about her own sadness. She does it in a way that brings me so much comfort. And while all that I go through is ugly, Elena uses words that make it sound beautiful, and in doing so, make my pain less hurtful.

I’ve never seen them perform their song Made Of Stone live, so finding this performance was absolutely amazing. I love that she expresses thoughts I’ve had myself. It makes me feel like hey, I’m not the only one. Someone gets me. This song does that very well.

See, this is why I love music.

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You’ll find love kid, it exists

I also love

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This one really helped sooth my mind a bit. Which is nice. :)

This post really helped me when I was in a really suicidal rut a couple nights ago: https://themighty.com/2016/08/if-you-want-to-die-read-this/

^^^ I love this post.

On a little bit of a lighter note, Paramore’s Hard Times hits me where I need it.

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If you’ve been a long-time follower, you know how much your girl loves Paramore.

THIS SONG.

Lyrically, it’s one of the saddest things Paramore has put out. But they’ve paired it with this funky beat that’s so ironically happy… And guys… The accuracy in representing depression… Oh my lord…

Hard times Gonna make you wonder why you even try Hard times Gonna take you down and laugh when you cry These lives And I still don’t know how I even survive Hard times Hard times

And I still don’t know how I even survive… <<< this hits my heart so much

I sing this part with no chilllllll.

*this brings me so much happiness*

Paramore was the thing that got me through that second terrible Jan+Feb beyond ATBP, so this is somewhat fitting…

This video by Dodie is the thing that pushed me to not give a shit if this seemed too bitter and pessimistic. She really made me feel that if I feel bitter and pessimistic, I should be real about that.

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I’m not actually a fan of hers (I just don’t watch her vids, though I probably will now), but I’ve seen this thing pop up in my recommended since it came out, and I finally watched it last night. I love this video.

Also just kind of a simple one, but my sister helps too. Like loads. So far, she’s been the one to make me smile and laugh, even when I’m in the actual middle of this muggy period.

Maybe you don’t know this about me, but I’m a die-hard ASMR fan (if you suffer from insomnia, this is my secret to sleep), and CarolineASMR’s 24/7 livestream has been giving me life.

Whenever I’m just very down, and need something to do, I listen to this. And it’s always there. Which is so great for so many reasons. I wasn’t going to mention this one because I didn’t think it was that much of a help, but after going through my YouTube history, I realize that I’ve relied on this livestream so much this past week…

(If you ever need ASMR recs, hellooooo)

(START WITH BRIGHTGREYASMR THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY, YOU’RE WELCOME. THIS video is the only one that kills my insomnia around 90% which is AWESOME)

So all of these things have contributed to making my life a little easier. I wanted to share them with you to hopefully bring some light into your life, if you’ve been going through some hard times too. Just know that at some point in life, this suck will ease. I don’t know if it will ever get better, and I won’t say that because I know I don’t even like when people say that to me. But you’re literally going to keep kicking ass. Even if all you’re doing right now is existing, you are still worthy of every single moment you have. I know I don’t have hope right now, so I can’t tell you to just have hope, because sometimes, being hopeful isn’t always easy. I hope you find your hope, and I hope I find my hope. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m all ears.

That’s kind of the end of this post... Thank you for listening, if you made it this far. Thank you for letting me express myself when I need to. I hope this serves as a bit of an explanation for my MIA-ness. I’ll try to be back as soon as I can. You guys are sincerely the best.

See you in the next one. :)

--Rachel

#Writing #goalsupdates

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