#i shouldnt complain bc most people have such a hard time finding work

[fairwinds-safetravels]

[my-gf-is-kazuichi-soda]

This started out as a rant and turned into an entire Character Headcanon Study Blurb Thing whoops

Tumblr danganronpa fandom has the coldest takes on Kazuichi and it is so sad

And the ones that bug me most arent even from haters, theyre from people who are fans but like they think Kazuichi is just a Stock Stupid Character.

"Kaz is no thoughts head empty" bitch she sometimes *wishes* she were no thoughts head empty she is literally Always Thinking she cant even sleep sometimes because she gets Brain Racing. Dont let her kinda resting, kinda stressed out faces fool you that time where she was trying to look like a tough guy she was constantly thinking about how people saw her and what was going on socially and it was really overwhelming.

There's always like one or two songs, or like two pieces of a song that never finish, stuck in the unused tabs in her head while the used tabs are doing like fifty other things and feel like theyre going nowhere, which is so frustrating. She is unmedicated and doesnt know that she could use medication. She judges herself on Neuotypical Standards and assumes all of her autism and adhd traits are her "being dumb again." And you bet she internalizes that and it drills into her self esteem.

She makes open ended goals and gets frustrated that they never feel finished. She downplays all of her successes because she never feels good enough, especially if everyone ignored what she accomplished and just looks at her like they expect more. Life gets in the way and plans falter and she blames herself for all the failures (and exaggerates the failures in her head) and she is so rejection-sensitive and internalizes everything bad people say about her and lowkey thinks everyone hates her if people dont openly show that they're not mad at her. That they still enjoy her company.

Her dad was an asshole who took advantage of her skills and hypocritically expected a lot from her while not providing for their small family (which is just the two of them). You think she cant do housework? She was doing almost as much as Mahiru for her family (I did not intend to give them almost the same backstory just by not giving Kaz a mom but that's how it worked lol) before the "vacation." But everything ruined her expectations, her routine, her setup, so she had trouble doing things like washing her clothes because her thoughts would get in the way, including "Id have to find a block of time to not leave the house" because this is her One Oufit (sensory issues and not knowing how she wants to present herself right now make it harder for her to find other clothes she likes) and things like "we'll be able to go home any day now so what's the rush?" Im still not sure what she was doing to keep her clothes from smelling bad but it worked bc Hiyoko was canonically the only one who smelled bad and everyone else complained about it. But anyway this clothes thing probably weighed on her brain Sometimes A Little and Sometimes A Lot almost the whole time, making it harder for her to do anything about it. It's hard to make ADHD brain do the thing that does Not have a time limit AND weighs on you for so long and your brain tricks you by making up rules like"it cant be done until you do this other thing", and one of the rules in her head was probably "I shouldnt have to wash this until we get back home, and we're definitely getting back home any day now"

She wants to trust everybody, if she had it her way she would trust everybody all the time (and be friends with everybody all the time tbh), but she just cant.

Life has shown her that people are assholes, that they can and will betray her, and she still feels like a gullible little kid who gets hurt trusting everyone, so she overcompensates and trusts no one.

She doesnt want to be the sissy boy anymore so she overcompensates and tries to be the tough guy. She doesnt want people to call her gay like in middle school so when she's attracted to a woman's body she lets all the guys know so that they dont mysteriously find out that she's queer and hurt her for it (it's not actually mysterious but she has trouble telling when she's obvious about a crush or attraction to a guy so it always feels out of nowhere when guys pick up on that and call her a homo or a fag.) Her earliest crushes were boys and when she got her first girl crushes she thought she was finally "done with (her) 'gay phase' " and was deep in denial when she was still attracted to guys, including some of the assholes she was trying to impress all the time.

Not to mention the killing game. Every time she wasnt distracting herself with Hajime or Sonia just to keep herself Feeling Alright she was spending almost all that time trying to think of a way off the island. When Hajime said "with that much free time you should be more productive" I wanted to kick my shoe through my Nintendo Switch. Hajime Dumbass she was doing that pretty much every time she wasnt socializing. I think most adhd people have heard that line, "be more productive, focus on the right thing, dont get distracted," I know Hajime is just a kid with unchecked biases but yeah that line attacked me

"Be more productive" kind of like when she was trying to figure out her plans for the future? She's a totally creative dreamer who daydreams of big things like rockets and princesses and motorcycles and tanks, but with her autism she wants to be realistic, and her dad was always telling her to have her goals figured out so she would make money (also pushing her to always be supporting him because "Im your father I did everything for you") so she is stumped because her ideas are for creative scenarios that get limited due to real life: limited finances, sensory issues/motion sickness, and all the pessimism from over time of feeling like a dumb dumb kid. Her dreams were shut down so much she censors herself, and even when her dreams are more masculine and reachable, she's still hesitant to talk, but Hajime told her to settle for being a delinquent. She didnt want that. But she doesnt know what she wants that she can obtain so she's stumped. The fact that she is thinking about her future after graduating when she's also trying to find a way off the island...no thoughts head empty?

She literally stayed up multiple nights freaking out and coming up with plans for stuff, including to capture Nagito again so he doesnt hurt someone, and you think she's no thoughts head empty. Get out of here.

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from The Lost Tomb, part 3

I didn’t mean for this to stray into angst but like the lack of updates with Li Cu in LTR?? I had to do it to em.

Wushanju Crew Chat, 11:05pm

Li Cu: what’s up losers I’m outside

Li Cu: someone come on and open the damn door

Wang Meng: Language:(

Li Cu: fine, someone come on and open the damn door please

Snake Eyes Chat, 7:00am

Wu Xie: hey are you awake? Sorry I missed you coming in:) was finishing up some work. How was the end of your first semester? Did that geology paper go well? Did the food budget work out or do you need some extra money next semester?

Li Cu: yeah about your work

Li Cu: heard a little rumor

Li Cu: about you going through some stuff during ur recent trip

Li Cu: some stuff you maybe forgot to mention

Li Cu: and you told me we gotta check in with stuff, so this is me checking in, okay

Wu Xie: oh? What stuff?

Li Cu: idk just like

Li Cu: THE STUFF WITH YOU ALMOST FUCKING DYING FOR FUCKING MONTHS AND THE WAREHOUSE SHIT AND ERJING AND PEOPLE HURT YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK IS A THUNDER CITY AND NOONE FUCKING CALLED ME ABT THOSE PARTS ONCE

Wu Xie: oh. That stuff.

Li Cu: yeah asshat I’m in the kitchen whenever you’re ready to explain your fucking bullshit. Also you’re out of milk wtf how am I supposed to make breakfast here

Main Chat, 11:14am

Wu Xie: okay so it’s possible I fucked up a little bit.

Wang Pangzi: THERES JUST SO MUCH YOU COULD BE REFERRING TO I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START

Zhang Qiling: What’s wrong?

Honorary Wu Chat, 11:30am

Wang Pangzi: KID IM SO SORRY THAT PUNK IS A TRAINWRECK BUT YOU KNEW THAT

Wang Meng: Welcome home, Li Cu <3 not much has changed, ultimately.

Wang Pangzi: IT DIDNT EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT HE WOULDNT TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT IT ONCE THE REST OF US FIGURED IT OUT

WAIT HOW DID YOU FIND OUT

Li Cu: it’s okay. not your fault, uncle. Doesn’t matter how I found out. Wait wait hold on what do you mean “the rest of us figured it out” who figured it out

Wang Pangzi: SAY HELLO LIU SANG

Liu Sang: …hello.

Wang Pangzi: SAY MORE THAN THAT.

Liu Sang: uh…so you’re Wu Xie’s protégé, huh?

Li Cu: oh well howdy there homewrecker

Liu Sang: Excuse me??

Zhang Qiling: I think someone on the roof is calling me and I should go find out.

Wang Meng: I would also very much like to be removed from this conversation.

Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHAHA KIDDO IVE MISSED YOU

Li Cu: all I’m saying is aren’t you the little creep who’s obsessed with Xiao Ge

Liu Sang: ???

Zhang Qiling: Li Cu is referring to a brief period of irrational thought on Wu Xie’s part, where he mistakenly believed you to be a threat to our relationship.

Liu Sang: what do you mean a threat??

Wang Pangzi: WHAT DO YOU MEAN TIANZHEN HAD “A BRIEF PERIOD OF IRRATIONAL THOUGHT”

YOUVE MET YOUR HUSBAND RIGHT

Wang Meng: can you please take me off this chat.

Liu Sang: Wait, so Wu Xie told you about me, but…reading between the lines, he didn’t mention the cancer or anything bad that happened? Oh yikes.

Li Cu: don’t change the subject “Liu Sang”

if that is your real name

Like yeah you’re right abt it but still

just saying

heard you got good ears but I’ve got snake powers

kinda

so like no more funny business okay you superhearing harlot

Wang Meng: LANGUAGE, LI CU. IN THIS HOUSE WE SHOW GOOD MANNERS.

Wang Pangzi: LMAO OH DO WE NOW

Zhang Qiling: Li Cu, this is all unnecessary and childish. Please apologize.

Li Cu: you say that now bruh but apparently you weren’t complaining when he was all “idol this” and “idol that”

oh and hey Wang Meng while we’re here can I show you my business class grade report later bc Wu Xie is all “what matters is that you learned and enjoyed the experience” blah blah all eat pray love you know how he gets and I want to actually discuss areas to improve so that when I take over this joint I do better than Wu Xie? Tho that shouldnt be hard lol

Wang Meng: hurtful but accurate. I’ll bring my best red pen:)

Liu Sang: oh my god. I’m too jetlagged to keep up with any of this.

Wang Pangzi: BEST. DAY. EVER. IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS FOR HEI XIAZI.

Not A Homewrecker Chat, 11:52am

Liu Sang: Okay, we started off on the wrong foot.

Li Cu: I agree let’s start over

Start with how your little prank game almost got ppl killed

Liu Sang: And I seriously regret that. But we moved past that.

Wow, he seriously skipped over so much bullshit but didn’t skimp on mine, huh.

Li Cu: AHA so you ADMIT IT

Liu Sang: I’d like to think I’ve grown since then. That I’ve come to see Xiao Ge as a person and mentor, rather than an idol. I count Pangzi and Wu Xie as my close friends. I’m going to be staying here with them right now, I hope you can be okay with that.

Li Cu: see in my head you were going to be a lot less mature about it and I had a bunch of great follow-up insults planned

Liu Sang: I figured. I’d like us to be friends, though. Or at least not enemies.

Li Cu: okay but only bc you don’t know me yet so you won’t judge too much for this and I need to get this out to somebody I’ve been thinking about it for hours and my friends are still in finals and I’m stressing a little bit maybe

Liu Sang: ?

Li Cu: I yelled at dad

*Wu Xie sorry autocorrect

Liu Sang: …uh huh.

Li Cu: I yelled at him earlier. for keeping all that stuff from me. He started crying

Liu Sang: Wu Xie has been pretty emotional since we got back. Not necessarily your fault.

Li Cu: I made him cry right there at the kitchen sink and it felt like maybe the worst thing I’ve ever done

Snake venom and stabbings, no tears

Me saying I wouldn’t have gone to his funeral, all tears

Which I know was shitty to say but I was really mad

Liu Sang: If it’s any consolation, I think Wu Xie can understand the concept of being led by his emotions to make bad decisions…better than most people.

Li Cu: Xiao Ge came in then and looked weird

Like weirder than usual

Like he didn’t know which of us to be more mad at

Liu Sang: A common problem for the iron triangle, I understand.

Li Cu: I just ran out I didn’t have words right then and I feel stupid

but whenever they come back from their walk I’m gonna say sorry and stuff bc i could’ve come home to his funeral and I’m mad about it but also like. I could have come home to his funeral. I can get mean when I’m in a freakout mood. It’s not like I was scared or anything at all I don’t get scared really anymore ever but just like. Freaked out.

Liu Sang: He’s probably going to say sorry, too.

Li Cu: sorry I called you a homewrecker. Didn’t mean to slut-shame either

Liu Sang: I admit that after the initial shock, it was pretty funny. Super hearing harlot, it should be on my business card;)

Li Cu: this situation with Wu Xie is weird but kinda good ya know. And I have these freakouts sometimes that something maybe bad could happen to this situation. So consider this a shovel talk. But like, also not a shovel talk at the same time.

also I appreciate you saving his life and whatnot

Liu Sang: Noted. Now. Coffee?

Li Cu: sounds sick.

Be in the kitchen in 10. You can pick out what we watch for the household tv show tonight. no way is Wu Xie choosing some dry documentary about gravestone rubbings again. Pangzi just watches real housewives reruns and Xiao Ge won’t watch tv after he caught the last half hour of A Walk To Remember. Also i need my phone now to send some $ to Hei Xiazi since I owe him for…providing some intel

Liu Sang: Not even surprised.

[clustxr]

actually. dream is a fuckin sore loser when it comes to competitions LMAO i would hate to win against him in mcc only for him to whine about how it’s unfair and “disproportionate […] statistically”

this got longer than expected so tl,dr: dream should suck it up and admit that he just isn’t very good at buildmart instead of bitching about it every time it gets played just because he isn’t guaranteed a spot on the leaderboard

this is about buildmart btw. like he’s all ”oh i can‘t focus it’s too hard to remember all of the stuff“ MEMORY IS JUST AS MUCH A SKILL AS PVP… and you have chat + teammates to help you out??? just bc pete (and specifically *pete only* and in just that one event) doesn’t always use those resources doesn’t mean that using them makes you automatically suck. fuckin complain about “but PETE doesn’t use them so i shouldnt need to!!“ sometimes people are better than you idk what to say. and sometimes you don’t always need to compare yourself to other people and use the most individually focused strategies possible in every game.

the REASON why dream thinks that buildmart sucks as a team communication game is because he doesn’t see it as one. he treats it like an individual game, so he gets its experience as an individual game, and then complains when it’s not working as an individual game. when it is very much a team communication game unless you are incredibly aware of the builds & needs of others without needing that verbal communication and have a good memory & rapid response time. when people like grian play buildmart, a large part of their success is reliant on teammates discussing needs, communicating priorities, and checking in with each other frequently in order to get builds done. this is highly effective, as seen in grian‘s teams’ consistent good placements in buildmart. however when you look at dream‘s efforts, he’s more focused on doing his own thing. i think if he instead learned how to direct his team in buildmart like he does in pvp oriented games (and take a leaf out of grian’s book strategy-wise) he could make a great leader and get a better score.

of course, buildmart doesn’t force teamwork like grid runners does, which is probably a source of frustration for dream (& others, no doubt) but honestly? yeah maybe it’s not strictly necessary but it certainly *helps* if you’re not fuckin insane at the game.

part of his rant which sort of confused me is the “i’m not bad at buildmart but i don’t like it, except i’ve never placed above grian and even with my best efforts i still haven’t won“ like no offense but maybe you ARE bad at it lol just admit that non-forced teamwork isn’t your strongest suit and go. there’s no shame in admitting that you just aren’t good at something! but insisting that you are, when you’re clearly *not*, is not going to help.

“there are ways for people who are worse to do good, but there’s not in buildmart”… the same could be said about other team based games like sot and grid runners imo. if you’re a good team there’s a chance that you might fuck it up with a game like buildmart but if you don’t have that teamwork then you won’t do well. that‘s the whole point of the game. and let’s be real here even with the occasional pop-off of a ”worse” team in another game it’s pretty much guaranteed to be the same outcome either way. and again buildmart is supposed to be something that challenges a pvp-oriented team (i.e. a standard dream mcc team) and forces them out of their comfort zone and puts them i an environment where the “worse” teams will almost certainly do better than them, or at least have a chance. in other words, buildmart is the pop-off *game* rather than a pop-off *moment*. it could actually make an impact on the leaderboard compared to the moments that a team would have in another game.

even way back in aug 2020 he had a tendency to whine about minor inconveniences. remember when 1.16 dropped and he tried to petition mojang to revert changes to fortress generation instead of a) continuing to speedrun in older versions, b) trying out 1.16 and getting used to the high amounts of resets/etc, c) figuring out new speedrunning strats or digging deeper into world generation to find a workaround to this problem, or d) waiting for someone else to do all of the work until new speedrunning strats were figured out that would revolutionize 1.16+ speedrunning and make a sub10 rsg igt wr possible? yeah. (i guarantee that if this happened nowadays, dream stans would be bitching about it too and dream antis would fucking hate it lmao.) at this point the tantrums just come with the guy i guess lol hell if i know what to do about it at the end of the day

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah i suppose ur right. yeah i think quarentine has had that sort of effect on a lot of people :( sorry to hear abt ur strict parents, hopefully ur friend will be able to come back soon. small outings (even with family) are still good tho, make sure ur taking care of urself toff.

youre totally right! ah yes thats good advice (/gen) ill try and use that when im in a slump ty. any music suggestions?

lol sames. even some of the stuff abt seungmin, innie etc is a little uncomfortable, like theyre grown ass men for sure, but at the same time, theyre still young, still just over being a teenager in the grand scheme of things. (on that note, i do struggle with worrying that im infantalising them, obviously theyre adults but at the same time, theyre still young. i do treat all fictional characters as my children, but i guess its different when its real people. idk. what do you think?) yeah some stans rlly need to take a chill pill, some are rlly walking the wire between 'ah theyre attractive/that look rlly suits them' and making fucking smut fics abt minors, like... they do not see a problem with that?? yeah tbh i feel like unless theyre 18 they shouldnt be put into the spotlight, weve seen what it does to peoples mental health, but modern day kpop industry is a lot like old hollywood with a lot of popular child actors -_- hopefully the big companies will learn but i agree, its unlikely

suuuuure toff haha. ill go searching for them, but idk if ill be able to find the fluff needle in the angst haystack (jkjk) yeah, fair i groan and complain but you do write angst etc rlly well, so if its what ur comfortable with, then pls continue, it is one of your strong suits, well as you write fluff aside

ah okay good! ill continue to send you essays then

THE ALBUM YES. so ive been looking forward to it for literally months, this is actually my first skz album release as a stay (since the last on was 9 months ago) i was sitting there hitting refresh on my spotify the second 6pm kst came around. (speaking of which, how did you do the release? i couldnt decide whether to watch or listen first but i ended up on listening cos there would be more material) okay: so cheese was super cool, very skz ya know? tho i almost wish theyd made domino the title track, tho obv it was a more experimental track and would have been a bit controversial (much like whistle for bp) i looooved domino and thunderous was absolutely impeccable. all the songs were amazing but standouts were- secrets, secrets which lowkey made me tear up idk why, red lights which almost killed me (it did not have to go that hard, but it did) and OT8 WOLFGANG omgggg i wasnt sure if hyunjin was going to be included in it but i was hoping and, ya know people had said hed be in there, but the further i got in, the less i was sure and then BAM hyunjin started what had been jisung's part and i just sat there grinning for about 5 minutes. surfin was absolutely adorable and gone away almost made me cry AGAIN. star lost was so touching, almost a nod to hyunjins little star? silent cry was relatable beyond anything. SSICK was funny? for some reason I was laughing while it was playing, idk the combination of added cheering and minhos aggressiveness and the totall seriousness they sung it. but i rlly enjoyed it. sorry i love you showcased their vocals like nothing else. the view is THE BOP of 2021, absolutely going to be stuck in my head for the next decade, that hook is genius. what did you think?

also did you watch their grow up performance? with all the stays and ALL THE TEARS? ;n; i feel like this is the end of an era of skz and tbh im kinda happy but also sad. super excited for their promotions but super bummed they wont get to tour. ah well

<3 w.a. 🐺

answer under the cut bc i gave an equally long answer to this already long ask HAJSH

oh yeah, abt quarantine having an effect. my friend and i talked about this earlier actually. i didn't realize the world was moving so fast until the pandemic happened. being in quarantine gave me time to think and i got to know myself more. it's just the sole good thing i got out of the isolation lmao. and abt my strict parents, ironically i got to go out today so i got to hang out with a few of my bestfriends. i had fun but my legs are a bit sore from walking. but they're a different set of friends. i'll get to hang out with the others when my getaway driver comes home in december.

hmm music recommendations for writing? depends on the plot you're writing. care to share what story you're working on and i'll try to rake my brain for a song that might match the vibe. i listen to classical / lo-fi if i don't have song inspo for a fic because lyrics sometimes distract me.

i don't think that's infantilizing tho. for me, it has something to do with my environment and the way i was raised. maybe it's the same the other way around? like this certain age (for the ones above 18 but below 20) is thirst-able for them. idk really. it's just not for me ?n? what i do NOT condone is writing smut for minors??? like get checked : D // i agree with everything with the idols being 18+ before they debut simply because it's for the best for their well-being like. how can young idols decide that this shit is the thing they want to do for life? or at least until their contracts last. idk :// it's unfortunate that it's unlikely to happen.

WELL. i have a list so you won't have to go search for them! in class (minho), in the rain (seungmin), gladius maximus (chan) and you've read five star already. and i just realized that most, if not all, of my upcoming fics are fluffs and i'm fond of all of them :D i used to focus a lot on angst because fluff disgusted the living shit out of me. i think things changed when i wrote champagne problems and hurt myself so bad i wanted to drop angst entirely. i didn't, of course, but i allowed myself to be self-indulgent now.

for the release of the album, i was on twt and watched the vid at 12 views (if i remember correctly, i watched back door at 14 so HASJH) i’m gonna talk by track so it wont be too confusing? bc i wrote this in paragraph format and it just ???? beware im very picky with tracks even if they’re my ults. so no offense if we have opposing opinions and i’m not fond of reading lyrics so these are all music wise.

cheese - oh god i hated cheese at first listen but it grew on me easily. i was singing the yeahyeahyeahyeah bit all day today :D

thunderous - i cant say that it’s my favorite title track. it felt really dry sometimes, both mv and music wise. but at the same time, it’s not that bad. the choreography carried the song tho o.O it’s so fucking cool. but like go live, another track has my heart and it’s

domino - AND YES I AGREE THAT THEY SHOULDVE MADE DOMINO TITLE TRACK UGHHHHH WHAT A WASTED FUCKING OPPORTUNITY. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW FOND I AM OF THIS SONG. it stands close to the level i love easy.

ssick - was a skip on first listen too because i found the chorus underwhelming but it grew on me? not that much but i can bear listening to it.

the view - it’s something the gen public like, hence its something i dislike. im not fond of songs that are structured like this? it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song i like. but i agree that the hook is very not catchy but it would get stuck in ur head.

sorry, i love you - it’s not as sad as i expected but i actually like it??? i can’t wait to write a fic out of it (1) HAJSHAJ it’s like a 3/5 for me. it’s angsty but chill?

silent cry - i’m pissed at this song bc it hits but sometimes it doesn’t?@?#!? but it’s starting to grow on me but definitely not my fave track.

secret secret - glad i found a secret secret enthusiast because my irls thought it was a skip?$?#@$? it gives me ikon vibes and i’m a huge fan of ikon’s discog so this was a win for me T_T +

STAR LOST - gives me bigbang song vibes and now im very sad :(( in case u didnt know, i’m a hUGE yg fan and 2ne1/bigbang introduced me to kpop so when i heard this track that gave me yg feels i just <3___<3 and it’s one of my favorite tracks anw moving on,

red lights - I WANT TO SKIP THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF RED LIGHTS EVERY TIME IT PLAYS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD KDSJFSK but fine. i’m adding this to props and mayhem’s playlist LMAO it’s more aggressive than sexc tho. more enemies to lovers o. O

surfin’ - this coming right after red lights just wasn’t the best decision arrangement wise because how did we go from ooh sexc to aigh pARTAY. felix saying sheesh T___T it’s such a fun song i want to go to the beach ;n; do you like beaches?

gone away - i have yet to read the lyrics because i’m using this as inspo for a jeongin fic jskjash it’s not the type of ballad i like but it’s so fucking sad to listen to :’ ) the pitch change caught me off guard? still does. it’ll grow on me prolly.

wolfgang - I YELLED WHEN I HEARD HYUNJIN IN WOLFGANG. i didn’t like this song until recently. it gives me the confidence boost i need to pick myself off self-esteem crashes.

and no i haven't watched that performance and i prolly wont because i’ll cry. i’m excited for the promotions too. do you think they’ll still have a repackage?? i cant fucking believe that i just finished waiting for 12am kst for skz teasers and now i have to look forward to 12am for nct 127??@?#? NOT A SINGLE DAY OF REST FOR THIS STAYZEN

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

[leaughrilke]

How does everyone react(including Stella) to Stella being gay

well kiddos lets take a jaunt down lesbian lane (these two go hand in hand so i’m including them together!)

also here’s a warning at the top (its also tagged and if you blacklisted the slur, this post should be blocked) i use the d slur once in here, towards the bottom

so obviously its not that she grows up closeted necessarily like its more??  she just never acknowledges that part of herself??  and she doesnt have to for a long time, bc she’s so used to just picking up one what other people are feeling and like??  idk how to phrase this.  boys are louder?  like girls, stella’s noticed, like sort of monitor their thoughts, even in their own head, but boys dont and so its boys’ feelings for her that she always picks up on fastest, reflects back on the basis of those feelings being so strong.  so it takes her a while to even notice her own feelings???  notice the funny feeling in her stomach whenever the cute girl in her bio class smiles at her

and its not that her moms dont talk to her about attraction, bc they do, they talk to her about crushes and relationships and the whole shebang but stella never indicates that she’s having trouble with any of that and they just figure maybe she’s not interested in people romantically and then when she comes home saying she has a date with a boy, its not as if they’re about to interrogate her??  like they notice that her relationships rarely last longer than a couple months or so, if they even get to that stage??  but she’s in high school, you know??  relationships dont always last long at that age

and they kind of figure that she knows its okay??  if she’s gay.  like.  lena’s a giant lesbian.  kara’s bi as hell.  finn and maia both had really quiet coming outs???  quite frankly they didnt even have to come out, like kara and lena have always used gender neutral language when it comes to dating for the kiddos until they point them in the right direction, like one day finn mentions he has a date with the running back from the football team and no one bats an eye, kara just asks where they’re planning on going.  maia brings home a girlfriend one thanksgiving.  kara and lena just sort of figure that stella knows its fine??  and she does.  she does.  its just easier to feel what other people are feeling.  easier to not feel what she’s feeling

so stella dates boys in high school sometimes, avoids romantic and sexual situations most of the times bc there’s also a lot of consent issues tied up with it all for her, like she’s always terrified that maybe the other person is only feeling what she’s feeling??  so they can’t rlly consent, or she’s terrified its the other way around, that she’s not rlly in control of her own feelings and wants and desires, that she’ll end up doing something she doesnt really want to do.  she gets harassed for that a lot, how she’ll go out with a guy for a hot minute and then break up with him out of nowhere, just when he thinks they’re going to sleep together; maia beats up like.  several assholes in high school for her (that stella only rlly finds out abt later)

and then the summer after high school??  stella works as a camp counselor and one of the other counselors is like.  Attractive.  rlly butterflies in ur stomach, heart in ur throat, burning up when she looks at you attractive and stella has no fucking idea what to do with these feelings like shit does this girl have a crush on her??  how is she gonna break it to her that she’s straight

surprise!  stella’s not straight.  in the slightest.  she finds out when lo and behold, its six weeks into her internship and that’s usually around the time whatever feelings have a hold of her dwindle, disappear and she’s??  still?????  feeling them????????

and stella’s like.  hm.  i should test this tiny lil baby theory i have and she asks this one other counselor if they know what Hot Counselor Girl’s deal is and they’re like??  she’s straight as an arrow babes, you’re barking up the wrong tree and stella’s like OH SHIT she’s not the source of these feelings then.  that means they’re all mine.  that means???  fuck what does that mean

she comes back for the last couple month before college starts and she’s so sad and hesitant and distant bc like??  there’s this whole part of her that she’s been ignoring, been repressing bc she didn’t want to address it.  bc she was scared of what owning her feelings would mean.  and her moms pick up on it, obviously bc they’re literally the Best, but stella wont come out (heh) with it so they have to draw their own conclusions and they kind of just figure she’s worried about starting college???  so they focus on that

so she goes to college, still working this out and then one night it feels too big, too much, and she just quietly calls for kara (who, like, is always listening for her kiddos.  always always always) and she’s going to ncu so its not a long flight, she kind of just blinks and then her mom is slipping in through her open window and stella takes one look at her and just bursts into tears and kara’s like honey!!!  whats going on, what hurts, do i need to kill someone and stella’s just like i need to go home and so kara flies them home and lena’s like abt to fall asleep on the couch, waiting up for kara, but wakes right the fuck up when suddenly she has a lapful of crying stella

and stella’s still crying when she asks when she and kara knew they liked girls and there’s this moment where kara and lena look at each other and kind of go oh, like everything makes a little more sense within this context??  so they tell her.  lena tells her about her friend from childhood, skirts around the bad parts.  kara talks about how it wasn’t a thing on krypton, it wasn’t until earth that she realized it was

and like they know where this is going??  its hard not to guess, what with the way stella’s sobbing, trying to keep quiet so she can hear what theyre saying, trying to match up her own timeline to that, trying to put all the pieces of her life that she’s collected together through this new, clearer lens.  and finally lena’s like stella, love.  do you like girls?  and she nods, still crying, but its not bad, its just a lot??  she’s like.  finally admitting it to herself.  finally owning it and that’s like a Big Thing

she stays the night and the weekend bc her moms are like hey, you shouldnt be alone right now, just spend the weekend here okay?  and stella’s like OKAY bc a) she rlly shouldnt be alone (when she gets overwhelmed, it’s rlly hard for her to be rational??) and b) she misses her moms ok

by sunday she can say it.  and she does.  she’s like idk how to look like a lesbian and lena gives her this look like are you actually serious or but then realizes stella’s absolutely joking, so she rolls her eyes, says they’ll go shopping for flannels next weekend 

so stella came out to her moms in like the Most Dramatic way rlly and its kind of weird bc its not like coming out is even rlly a thing in her family, not with her gay as hell and bi as hell moms, her Lesbian Wine Aunts, the fact that like there’s like one straight person in the entire family (its one of alex and maggie’s kids and she jokes abt it all the time, is always kind of like i was waiting for my gay card to come in the mail but alas)???  like she doesnt have to rlly Come Out if she doesnt want to, she could just like bring home girlfriends and no one would blink but stella’s kind of worried she’ll never fall in love and be able to pursue it so its important that she make the statement separately??  have it be independent from her relationship status

she just tells finn the next time theyre face timing and he’s technically in the middle of studying for an exam but he drops everything to fly home and wrap her up into this big bearhug and stella’s just grinning bc it feels good to say???  its like.  liberating and finn’s so happy for her, happy that she seems more fully herself, seems happier and smiles wider and he’s so proud of her???  he rlly is

and stella waits until maia’s home to tell her, feels like its something she should tell her in person and she figures that’s probably the right choice from the weird, soft look maia gives her, the rlly careful hug she pulls her into and the sneaky way she looks around before she says if you want, i can get you into the only decent lesbian club in national city and stella’s like um???  yes pls?????  which is how the newest generation of danvers girls winds up singing karaoke at a lesbian club in the heart of the city at two am on a tuesday

she tells the rest of the family in one long sentence where she’s telling them about how college is going when its thanksgiving, like she literally says yeah, my stats class isnt terrible, i’m a lesbian, and like i think i want to take psychology next semester??  and everyone kind of surreptitiously looks at each like i heard that right, right?  and then they all just move the fuck on, but for christmas, alex gives her a flannel and a beanie with a grin

so her family obviously reacts rlly well right???  well college is a different ball game

like most ppl give zero shits and her friends are all rlly supportive but there are these girls on her floor that complain to their ra and are like ummmmm we dont feel comfortable with a lesbian on the floor, like we shower here???  and their ra is rlly good, is basically like well go shower elsewhere if youre that concerned, or better yet, i can put in for a room transfer for you and tells stella to let her know if anyone from the floor ever fucks with her

no one else from the floor does (bc of her ra and also bc maia catches wind of what happened later and like.  maybe paid a visit to these girls.  and maybe explained that what happened to that boy from stella’s seminar??  for sure will happen to them if they so much as breathe in her baby sister’s direction)

and then theres that fateful incident in her seminar, like its before class starts and stella’s chilling on her phone, living her life and this one guy comes up to her and is like heavily flirting with her and she’s just about to deflect gracefully when this other guy from the other side of the room scoffs bro, don’t even bother, she’s a dyke and like the room goes fucking silent like everyone’s just like holy shit we knew he was a dudebro but we didnt know he was a DudeBro and stella just fucking stares at him like.  what the actual fuck.  she just legit doesnt know how to process it or what to do and the dude is like carrying on like nothings changed and then class starts and its not until that night that she like??  has a chance to unpack it/??  and she just sobs, like it’s awful

maia is comes to town the next day bc she’s interviewing for grad school at ncu and she and stella are supposed to grab brunch and stella’s calling to cancel just as maia’s coming up the stairs to her room and she opens the door and is like oh, right, okay i’m good, lets go and through all of brunch she’s like???  rlly withdrawn in a way that she never is unless something’s wrong and so maia pushes and prods and waits until finally stella quits poking at her pancakes and says this one dude just said something kind of shitty to me yesterday, its no big deal but like she’s rlly upset abt it right??  so it comes through to maia even as stella tries not to and maia sees the word, the slur in big ugly letters in her mind and then stellas starting to cry a little bit, begging dont tell moms, dont tell anyone, please maia, it’s fine and maia’s like ????  fuck that, he hurt you

but stella’s fully crying now, so maia doesnt say that, just hurries to box up their food and pay and then shuffle stella out of the restaurant 

she tracks down one of stella’s friends the next day though, after her interview with the grad school admissions counselor is over and they take one look at her, ask you’re stella’s badass older sister?  

yeah.  wait does she really call me badass

and stella’s friend gives it up with no hesitation like fuck that guy right

maia beats the shit out of him tbh.  like.  obviously not that bad, and she made sure to take her supplement so that she’s not hitting with superstrength or anything, but stella is her baby sister and maia wont admit to this for a while but she would absolutely kill for stella, in a heartbeat, no questions asked.  like??  she loves her so so much.  and this guy made her cry, made her hurt, a hurt maia only got a taste of and maia remembers those awful weeks after she ended things with her Shitty Ex, when stella refused to leave her side, took on so much of her pain and suffering so that maia could sleep at night.  so yeah.  maia beats the shit out of him

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Hello! I'm going to start answering the old ask first and then the one about the show, okay? Last week was busy? Because of Mother's Day? Or something else? I dont know if i have to cheer you up saying "dont worry, this week everything is going to go back to normal", or if i shouldnt because that will mean you'll get bored at work🙊 Did you brought the ballons finally? (1)

HIIII LOVE!!!! Ufffff, I didn’t realized Mother’s Day meant May was starting,jajajaja. May is our August. We have A LOT of places to go to make candy bars, do you know what it is? Well, we put it on communions, weddings… and we have a couple every weekend. So we make the things we put on the bar during the week. It’s a lot of work for all of us, but it’s the month we make the most money,jajajaja, so 🤷🏻‍♀️.I FORGOT the balloons 🤦🏻‍♀️😔. I totally did. I didn’t think about them till a bit before the show started, lol. It would have been so cool, but I totally forgot.  

U didnt go to a lot of concerts? Dont say that! I’ve only gone to 2/3 shows. Not much. & much less this days, with so many festivals. Oh, yeah. Ed came some years ago, but i was too young. Uh, i feel u, the sale of the tickets was crazy. Like, we were supposed to go to see him in Mdd, and we ended up in Bcn, & with another kind of ticket, not the one we had agreed to buy. But totally worth it!! I know he has a reputation for being tedious and repetitive, but his sound live is not like that. (2)

Oh, there are so many concert and festivals these days. I guess I never was a kid to ask my parents for a lot of things, and I never really had someone who I liked enough to ask to go concerts,so 🤷🏻‍♀️. But I love concerts. The ambient… well, I already told you,jajaja. It feels like you’re around your people, or at least to me, bc I don’t know anyone in real life who likes the same music as I. And I loved it the time in the line,jajja. It was like we were camping. I don’t know, jajaja, it felt right. Ed has that reputation? I dididnt know about it. I’ve see a couple of videos, and I found it so difficult what he does,jajja, with the guitar and the pedal he uses to record his voice and all that.

HAHAHAHA. I am laughing because now you have not only managed to find a Larrie at Harrys’s show, but also at Niall’s!! Either there’s many of us, or you are a Larrie Magnet😂 How can i do the same?? Show me. She keeps up because i have tumble, and her bffs also have tumblr and twitter and they share the news on the groupchat. I mean, she doesnt know everything (no one does) but we tell her the important things.(3)

Jajajajajja, I think I’m s larrie-magnet,🤣🤣🤣. Hey, you have your own larrie-pal at home, what more do you need??? Jajaja. (I have my own anti at home, so…). You tell her important things??? I hope you’ve tell her about Louis last night!!  Jajajja mymy, did you see him??? I missed him so much. He looked so good. And he’s so good. Ay, I could cry,bc he deserves a lot better from everyone, from life… You know “hay gente que nace con estrella, y gente que nace estrellada”? Well, I always think that about Louis. He never gets it right. But I really hope the future holds only good things for him. :/Well, your sister and her friends sound more organized than me, jajajajjaja. I’m now in a group chat, ajajaja, we’ll see how that works, or if I have Togo out bc they talk too much,jajajaja (I’m old, my phone ringing too much, makes me cranky🤣🤣🤣🤣👵🏻)

Yes, men suits tend to be more boring. Harry need to do something, but at the same time, dont. Harry + red carpets + cool suits + HQ pictures = my dead. Oh wow. You really are half-witch. JAJAJAJAA. Me as your sister trying to take profit of your hability. Isnt she smart?😂😂 did you really guess the birth of the little girl? How? (Can you guess the end of BG too? Pls end it). Oh! Okay, i get it now. He sounds pretty special then. (4)

Jajjaja jajajja, that’s true (I sometimes say things that louis (mostly) has said, jajaja, and that’s true is his response to Harry’s “the wind make nice waves”, jajajja, so read it with Louis’ voice😝). See?i almost had a heart attack yesterday when I saw Louis in a suit,jajajja.Well, she’s always looking at ways to make money of everything,jajja (no she doesn’t, but she does it more than me). I don’t know how,jajaja, we were making a “porra” and I thought that+and that+and that… it was more a guess, than a prediction, jejejeje. And I can’t control my predictions, they usually happen in my dreams. I wish I could end it. I’ve been wishing for it to end blowing my birthday candles for years, jajaja (and I can’t believe it’s been years 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Gay parade? JAJAJAJA. Listen, but why? Why would u take a cake to a parade? Do ppl usually do that? I’ve never seen it. Uuuh. Yes. Of course we are queer because its trendy, thats what we, dumb&young people do. Of couse. Being hated because of that is so cool!! I hate that logic. Uh. Not all changes are bad, and just bcs you dont see LGTB+ people doesnt mean they dont exist. I’m so sorry you had to stand that while you couldnt even yell at him! And you cake didnt deserve that insult either. (5)

Yeah, I don’t know his logic, but I guess he doesn’t use logic that much when he says things like that. And yeah, I mean, if you’ve never been hated for something like that, it can be hard to imagine. But also, I hate people who doesn’t care about their surroundings, y'know. I might never felt hated because my color skin (I’m white), but I know dark-skinned people suffer for it. So I’ll attend at whatever they say. And if I can make something to alleviate their pain or help them, I try to do it, y'know. But I can’t with people who only knows their own reality and doesn’t care to learn about the rest. (I don’t know if I’m making any sense bc I’ve been writing this sentence for a couple of hours,lol)

Oh no. She wasnt kind. It was meant to show me that she thinks i am to annoying and political, but i dont mind. It is what it is. What i found sad is that it wasnt even a boy who said that but a girl, but well. Whatever. Oh nono. Dont worry. I was just complaining because thats what i live for. I enjoy learning, but not this way. Anyway, it’s just one month and then summer!! I dont know if i will be working or not, but either way, it’s a great perspective. (6)

I feel like I have to say hi again, lol. I started writing yesterday (Tuesday) in the morning and now is Wednesday night 😒. May is so busy at the shop. And to add to that, today at 8am my cousin’s mom called me because he had woke up at 5am. He has a sleeping disorder, and sometimes he wakes up at 4-5am and he doesn’t go back to sleep. And I’m there for those days (bc the parents has to go to work, obviously). Anyway, I have to answer you now bc tomorrow will be busy too. I have to go to the shop to help my sister, bc we have TOO much to do.

Well, she doesn’t sound very kind. And I don’t know how good of a friend she can be if she says those things to you. And yes, I agree. I don’t like when people thinks like that, but when is a woman… I can’t. It’s like when some women say that “I’m sure she provoked him” when a girl is abused or raped. 😡😡😡.i, than am all for women solidarity, can’t comprehend how women can be “machista” (I can’t find the world in English?).And yeah, I’m the same. I love learning things, but I don’t like to be graded,jajajja. And, a free summer to go on vacation, or just rest, sounds amazing. But also, the money you can make working, sounds amazing, too,jajajjaja. Some people work for a month, and then enjoy the rest 🤷🏻‍♀️.

YEES. I SAW THE PICS. HE WAS SO CUUYTE. AND SMILING. Tought i feel bad because there was a lot of people around him and i dont like it. It gaves me the impression that people treat them as shiw monkeys :(. But anyway, i saw him!! 😍😍😍 Yep. I saw that theories too. Idk anything, but if that’s what he is doing, then i’ll wait. Of course i will. Did fhey really put For You in Pasapalabra? JAJAJAJA. He is trudly successing in life😂 Que nivel! (I sound ironic but I’m really happy internally). (7)

Awwwww, did you see him at that award show??? He is such a good person?? I hate that media doesn’t focus on that side of him. He’s kind, lovely, good amazing hugs, did you see how he kept rubbing her shoulder to keep her calm???? OMG! And,yeah, I hate that there’s always the same people around him, like he was a zoo animal.Yeah, I don’t watch Pasapalabra, but I got to watch it for a moment one day, and they have like this musical minute? And they played For You. I told my brother, and he told me that they play the same song every day for a week or more. So, I’m glad for Liam. He has a very good team behind him.

Surgery? Okay okay. Then i’m not asking, but i’m sending you luck and hugs!!! 🍀💕 I just saw that you did tell me about your irish nails. I must have not read that that day. Ups, sorry. I have finals, yes. I start tomorrow and i finish (if i pass everything at first try) around the 10th of June. I just have to suffer for a few weeks more.🤷 Thanks for asking!! (8)

Thanks love. I haven’t told anyone. Not even my friends know about it yet.

Ohhhhh, you’re in the middle of your exams. I really really wish you the best. That everything goes well, and you stay calm. And I hope you pass everything at your first try, so your summer is a bit longer. 😚😚

[jess-oh]

Reflection

im in a weird mood.

i had type this morning and class went well and i was on time and did all my work and worked on it pretty hard last night and i stayed up with andrew but since i was so busy working and he wasnt studying, it just felt more awkward than anything and he just decided to sleep before i was finished and i felt kinda bad but it wasnt a big deal. but i got 3 tights from old navy after work and ti was great and i had some miscommunication with shar but then we still got to talk and hangout and it was really nice! we talked about the club and my ideas and how we’ve been doing in our spiritual and personal lives and i was literally so unashamed to talk about the Holy Spirit and Jesus and to just be so open about it and i really did not care at all and it was great and we laughed so hard and so much and at times i was forcing myself to play along for the sake of keeping the conversation moving but overall, it was pretty great and i did feel good about myself. but i just. im back in this place where i had a lot planned today and i feel like i didnt do much of it and i feel bad about it. i was supposed to read so much of the Bible today but i didnt, i watched shows instead. i was so engaged w/ the episodes that i didnt immediately respond to andrew&sofia and i felt bad as a result. i feel like i have a responsibility to them as a friend to care and to drop my shows as soon as i have something more to do and have the opportunity to help which is great in theory but i am also watching shows to rest and relax and i did do a long today. I was at school from 8am to 7pm. that’s 11 hours. and right after i went to old navy and tried on 6 different tights and bought them with a credit card and shared life with sharlene and was social and outspoken and unashamed and it was great and i did do a lot and i should feel proud of that but i dont because i didnt accomplish what i set out to do and instead im just here and i feel like a failure and i know that i should be proud of myself and the fact that i did anything at all bc i know how i can get when im feeling down. i will literally not leave my bed at all. i wont leave my apartment or even my room. i’ll just rot away and drown out the noise with media. and that high, happy feeling was suddenly taken away so fast when my mom told us that she was at the hospital and would probably spend the night there. her dad has been there since yesterday and spent the night bc he had to have an emergency procedure done. hes dying. and i cant escape or deny that. hes dying and im afraid that i wont be there for it again. it continuously breaks my heart that so many people in my life have been leaving this Earth and sigh. it just makes me feel very alone and like i left or abandoned them. i dont want to be there for them for the sake of being there or to feel like i belong but because i just. i feel so bad. i feel like they’re going to think i didnt care about them in the end bc i couldnt care enough to fly over to be there for them during their final moments. i was so selfish that i chose myself over them. i do want to stay here over the summer and i know that i cant stay trapped in cali just bc im afraid someone else is going to pass. God placed me here for a reason and i want to make the most of that. i want to stay here and work on my portfolio and get a paid internship and it’ll be great but im so afraid that im just being selfish in doing this. i guess it’s really all on God to decide if he doesnt want me to get an internship or a job out here and as a result, i go home. i just dont want my family to be paying so much money for rent in an apartment that im not even residing in. and if they’re willing, then thats great. ideally, i’ll find someone to sublease the apartment to over the summer so that i can go home and spend time with my family and it really is always great. i really do treasure the one on one times i can spend with my family. spending the day with my mom at the hospital or my sister over food or shopping and my dad with a movie or food or whatever. it’s really nice and i do highly value that time and i do miss them and im just 

sigh

idk if im happier to know or not. i would love to go on a long term mission trip but i would be so afraid that something tragic would happen while im gone and i would find out when i come back. and i know that my grandpa knows that i love him so much and i am so glad that i have been able to spend time with him and learn about his faith and feel encouraged by it and thats really been such a huge blessing in my life and i am just so afraid that hes going to leave and be gone and i know that it’s out of my hands and i cant control it and he might die tomorrow and that’ll be that and i wont have any say in anything and i just

sigh

i want to tell shar but i feel like ive already bothered her. i dont want to just go to angela or jason whenever im feeling down or have a problem. andrew seems to be doing well and feeling better and i dont want to take away from that and i know sofia has her own things to figure out and she should be able to take the time to focus on that and i know that jeanne is really busy and i never really talked to david about deep things and i know emily doesnt understand and doesnt know how to respond and ive only let myself slip in my family very few times when i was really emotionally distraught but im not there yet and i think i can handle this on my own. and i dont feel so bad about being alone anymore. im just here and this is it. sigh.

i just cant think about it too much and move on.

and i know that that’s a terrible mindset and part of the reason why i keep falling victim to depression and i know in my head that people are there for me and want to be there for me but im just so afraid to reach out and be weak and let myself be vulnerable bc ive done it before and i just got hurt beyond words bc i let people in and i dont think i trust them enough yet. i would give them my life. but i dont trust them to run it. i would willingly give them my death but not my life. 

and i keep trying to reach out to my sister about our grandpa and my growing concern for him but she doesnt seem to care and i know that shes going through a lot but i feel like shes so selfish sometimes. when i asked about if she was going to go with my mom to the hospital to take care of our grandparents she said no bc shes so busy. which is fine but it seemed more like a, “wow. look at me im so busy you should feel bad for me” instead of a. “no, i am so busy and i wish i could get out of my schedule to be there for him.” there was no longing to care for him and i know that it’s a lot and i shouldnt judge bc i was even not really into spending the whole day with my grandparents and i complained while we were there bc i just wanted to rest and go home but she has all the opportunities in the world to be with them and care for them and she doesnt bc shes so much more into her own life. and i know that i could be doing more too. i could be texting and calling more often and really going out of my way to make sure theyre okay bc ik some people never grow up with any grandparents bc of death or otherwise. i just sigh i know i should be more loving and understanding and i know how easy it is to just take them for granted but she knows that they’re suffering and dying and shes not doing anything about it. she should at least be trying to be supportive of them and it feels like shes so much more concerned with herself than anything else.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

[song of today]

oOPS, ive been getting kinda lazy again. but before i forgot or fell asleep... i wanted to type this post to just catch up on everything thats been going on.

i just watched part of the thailand team’s vlog and it made me really miss guatemala. i keep saying that theres 1 moment that i will never forget. and while that’s still true, i remembered another time. i remembered on our last day at our first village and everyone was in a giant circle and we were getting ready to leave. but in an attempt to start heading over, a bunch of the kids latched onto me and i pretended to be losing strength as i inched forward, bit by bit. but more and more kids continued to latch on until they were actually too heavy for me to carry and i fell over. but i remember. i remember lying down on the floor in the middle of the circle and being filled with so much joy. i laughed in pure bliss along with the kids. and i didnt care that we were in the middle and i could feel my team judging me for just suddenly breaking the circle. but i didnt care. i was so happy to just be there in that moment with the kids. i just remember hoping that claire was taking a video or at least a photo of us bc it was a moment that i never wanted to forget. and i can feel my memory slipping away but man, that kind of joy...it doesn’t come everyday. i miss that feeling. of just laughing my head off without a care in the world, just so incredibly glad and blessed to be with those kids. having that childlike spirit. what a powerful moment that i hope to never forget.

and the second, just to resolidify the memory, was when our team danced and sang english vbs songs in the pouring rain. we didnt care that it started raining. in fact, we werent even phased. we had a job and we were going to do it. and man, even though the kids and the adults didn’t understand and looked at us with confusing as we sang in english, i will never forget how empowered i felt. as we sang “strength and shield,” and i turned to my team from the front and yelled, “READY? 1. 2. 3!” And then turning back to the front and jumping and yelling, “I’M JUMP JUMP JUMPING FOR JOY! I’M SHOUT SHOUT SHOUTING MY THANK YOU. I’M SING SING SINGING MY LOVE. TO GIVE YOU ALL MY PRAISE TO YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. GOD IT’S ALL FOR YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. I GIVE MY PRAISE TO YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. GOD IT’S ALL FOR YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU.” The body movements. The songs. The singing. Everything. Just being there alongside my team. So fueled and pumped up. I loved every bit of it. And I hope that I never ever forget it. I loved doing all those VBS songs. English and Spanish. And while I’m sad that I can’t remember everything, I would happily learn again. There’s something so empowering about just dancing and singing those songs. 

i remember how awful i felt post mission and how i felt so useless bc i couldn’t adapt to the new situation at hand. and even though it was a mission trip, i still thought so much about how my team saw me and that filled me with so much anxiety and self hatred. i felt so useless on the trip bc i didnt know how to catch up. i couldnt catch up. i was too much of a control freak to account for that situation. and i regret it. i wasnt useless. i drew and colored so many posters. i led the body worship. and even though i was flawed and our lies skit wasnt as as strong as it couldve been, i still served. i did my job and i went through with it and thats what mattered. i impacted their lives. i remember when we had to break off into groups and while at first i thought i was bringing a group of 20 people to my area, 50+ people ended up coming. my group was way larger than anyone else’s but i didnt complain. i adapted to the new situation and i still carried out my duty. i accepted the help from our chisec homies and even though i took longer than everyone else, i still did it. i made sure everyone had the beads and the bracelet. i did it. i felt so shitty bc i didnt plan the crafts well enough. i kept relying and pushing judy when i didnt plan for my own part myself. but i did it. we did it. it happened and everything worked out in the end. on our night of debrief, i wanted to do daily QT&reflection as well as sleep before midnight and while i did try, i kinda gave up. but i have kept up with the reflections at least! but i remember my team saying i should do something that has to do with my family since our relationship was shit. but i refused. and idk if that was the right choice or not but i honestly believe that the time we spent away and apart from each other, helped way more than any kind of talking would have. we’re open now. before? i think we would’ve all been too stubborn to understand. 

Now onto the events of the past few days. Honestly, I don’t really remember what I last posted so I’ll just go by memory and make it brief. The other night. Two days ago? I hung out with Andrew and although it was awkward, I was able to introduce the topic of religion without it being too weird and for that, I am grateful. I’m also happy that God’s been allowing us to spend more time together. Just one on one. He is still Andrew but he does act differently around David. Also, I’m 98% I already wrote about this so let’s move on.

Yesterday, I met up with the PAL Presidents and Hazel. I was pretty salty toward PAL at first bc I waited 20min for them at in-n-out, only for them to ask me to come to El Mo, somewhere I was previously right next to since I went to Chase earlier that day. Begrudgingly I went but I’m glad that I decided to give them a chance. It was nice to catch up briefly with Daniel since we were both in UBMS and hear about their plans for the coming year and share my knowledge and experience as well. They’re on the right track. And while they’ll most definitely have issues with the class, I believe in them.

Afterwards, I met up with Hazel and in-n-out and regrettably ordered way too much food. I didn’t get a drink and yet, I was still dying. I got a double double, animal style fries, and a strawberry shake. But I’m still happy I did it. It was great. She’s pretty nervous about the coming year since she’s the new EIC along with someone else for yearbook and while I cannot confidently say that she’ll succeed, I do believe in her effort. I think she does have a lot of potential and have grown so much since I first met her her sophomore year. And I’m really glad and proud of how far she’s come since then. I do think it kind of sucks that the editors forced the position onto her but I think she’ll try really hard and I’m even proud of her for that. I did vent a bit about how terribly my senior year in yearbook and revealed to Hazel everything that happened behind the scenes. But I’m happy I got it off my chest. But at the same time, I know I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m over gossiping. This was just a step back. I did start looking for files for her but since most everything was on my school email and that was shut down... there was only so much that i could do. I’m still looking for some things that could help her. Admittedly, I have been a bit lazy in my research but I really don’t have a lot of stuff left. I am going to try and drop off my old yearbook binder and notebook and see if that’ll help at all but... who knows. It looks like trash to me but maybe she can find some sort of inspiration from it. 

sidenote: i was so full and lazy from my food that i convinced my sister to pick me. honestly, i shouldnt been more attentive to my phone when i originally asked her to get me but im thankful nonetheless that she actually came back out just to get me. but wtf in-n-out. howd it take you 12min to make lightly cooked fries???

but onto today, 

IIiiii, ran some errands and then met up with Rena today and while we did have a pretty great conversation and were able to keep it up for hours and hours.... we did talk about other people a lot. And I kind of hated that. We never meant to. It just started from her not knowing that so many people were sophomores. But. I kind of hated it. It felt like 2 steps back for me. And I knew it too. I kept trying to ween off that conversation but somehow, we always found ourselves back on it. Talking about other people. Not necessarily in a bad light and they werent people we knew nothing about but still. I think once we started talking about the people we knew in a relationship, it really became gossip but I didn’t know how to drop it. But man, I am filled with such regret. I wish I didn’t do that. I wish I just called ourselves out on it. But I am happy that I got to spend that time with Rena. I just hope she doesn’t see me as the gossip girl now though. I doubt it but... still.

It is something that I still need to work on and be more aware of.