#i should be better than this im the oldest child

[asbestieos]

shawty kinda feels like crying

[doppel-doodles]

Bai he and her age

Very random topic to throw out here to discuss but I always found it kinda funny how the fandom portrays Bai he as like a really young kid? Like as young as around 7 sometimes. Yet she doesn’t read that way to me at all.

(And no bai he hate, I genuinely do enjoy all the fandom stuff with her, I think it's cute! I’m just showing my own observations and headcanons here I guess- agree with me, don’t agree with me either is fine. However if you'd like to add your own thoughts please feel free to do so!)

Now to get this out of the way: Yes Lbd calls her host a child, and I'll not deny that. She is definitely a child but I don't think she is a SMALL child.

Let me explain:

Considering Mk, who is agreed to be an adult, is also referred to by Lbd with "child" it is not unheard of her to use the term for someone who is simply younger than her, which is easy considering she is ancient.

Also she definitely very deliberately emphasized not just her host age but also her innocence when she called her that. In an attempt to discourage Wukong from killing her, it wasn’t just flavor text, it was manipulation.

Now to some other things:

First her voice, in her few lines of dialogue she definitely sounds young, or I think youthful is the better word for it but definitely not like a small child. More like a teenager. There is some deepness to her voice I just don't usually hear with preteen characters.

And I do acknowledge that is most likely because her and Lbd share a voice actress(who is awesome btw that's some really good range with how different these characters feel-) so you can chalk it up to her not changing the vocal range up too much so we would take Lbd more seriously and to make her more recognisable.

But it's not just the voice the way she is drawn never read to me as that small either, definitely not as old as mk and Mei but that’s because she is drawn with no eye lashes and make up which by default makes animated characters feel younger.

As example Lbd definitely wears make up and look how it immediately makes her look so much older.

Also while possessed we see bai he without the cardigan we get a better look at her body shape and it's basically the exact same as Mei.

Which makes sense every average lego has the same shape between male and female but still we do see Lego kids in the background and they are drawn differently.

Even here these two characters read younger to me, even the girl but that could be a me thing.

Now lastly this is just some context based observation, like how she was apparently walking around at night chasing a cat??? I dunno I just feel like if she was that young then she wouldn’t be allowed to do that unless a guardian was nearby searching WITH HER but that can be a me thing.

To conclude I would say Bai he at oldest is like a teenager in my personal interpretatio, probably around 15.

Now does that mean you have to accept this as Canon? HELL NO-

It's my interpretation, this headcanon is just as valid as your own, if you don't agree then keep making itty bitty bai he content! It's cute! Sometimes angsty but also It's fun! Writing kids is so much fun, I should know I have four kid characters-

All im saying is there can also be value to a slightly older Bai he, a cringey teen who loves cats and went through the trauma of possession, basically having her face,voice,body hell her identity. Ripped away and used without her consent by another to do heinous things, during a time where you arguably just start to figure out who you are and what your identity even is.

Anyway thank you for coming to my ted talk, leave your thoughts just be respectful and good time zone-

[elvisabutler]

you know how kids are supposed to be good judges of character? i was wondering if you could do elvis x reader where their kids don't like mommy and daddy's manager?

children 'n dogs

summary: your children with elvis never have been a big fan of the colonel and neither have you even if elvis is. but as you and elvis like to say: "children 'n dogs, best judges of character." fandom: elvis presley | elvis ( 2022 ) | austin butler rating: t pairing: elvis presley x female reader ( or austin elvis x female reader ) word count: 1854 warnings: talk of children being absolute menaces. a married couple being very much a married couple. pregnancy. the colonel being the colonel. brief mentions of period typical and culturally typical opinions on child rearing re: discipline and spanking. calling elvis a backwater hick. brief brief mention of vomit. i think that should be everything. author’s note: so hi anon thank you for this prompt, this was actually a really sweet one and i kind of fell in love with it but wasn't too sure how to start it- plus the fun tired exhaustion i've been dealing with. i set this as a sort of continuation of my queen of graceland fic ( that i wrote for specifically austin elvis ), you don't have to read that one, just know it basically has elvis and the reader getting together right before he gets shipped off to germany, and they have a set of twin girls right about that time and i implied they were going to have plenty more kids after those two. read this with austin elvis or elvis in mind, i am not picky, since i left it faintly nebulous.

"Whaddya mean Jess spit on 'im? Damn boy is 6 years old, he knows better." Elvis asks as you start to take down your hair for the night, wincing at one of the pins digging deeper into your hair. "Christ, mama, let me get those ones in the back, ya know ya can't get at 'em."

You roll your eyes but remove your hands only to have your husband's warm hands replace them, finding the pins in your hair with an ease you envy. "I meant exactly what I said, sweetheart. Jesse spit on the Colonel in the five minutes I looked away while tryin' to make sure Loretta and Elizabeth were all ready to go. They all know I'm not movin' all that fast right now." Your hand moves to rub at your bump, an act that has Elvis letting out a heavy sigh above your head, one of his own hands following downward and pressing against it, earning a powerful kick.

"That's what I get for putting another set of 'em in ya, isn't it? My Queen of Graceland too big to be chasin' after my lil' hellion of a boy." He moves his hand off of your stomach, only to watch another kick happen with a chuckle as he busies himself with your hair. "Colonel seemed madder than just a lil spit. Gettin' the feelin' there's more."

There is a moment when you contemplate not telling him the rest, not telling him how your oldest daughters had lost their tempers once you got them over to where their siblings were and how the other two boys promptly followed their older brother and hit the Colonel and how your youngest daughter, your sweet 18 month old daughter had thrown up on the Colonel's shoes. You contemplate all of this only to look up at your husband and realize he's waiting, mid trying to take out a pin. "Everyone might have- well- everyone might have had their own things they wanted to do t'him."

Now you're no stranger to trying to smooth over things your children have done to Elvis, no stranger to making it seem as if your children are far more innocent than they actually are. But in being married to you and in knowing your children together from the day they were born he knows when you're doing it. He knows exactly when you're trying to gloss over things and make them look presentable. He leans down and places a kiss to the top of your forehead. "Darlin'. I ain't gonna be mad at 'em. Or maybe jus' a lil, but ya gotta tell me what they did so I can apologize."

You hum and purse your lips as you move to grab a brush to brush out your hair. "Oh, I don't think any of 'em want you to apologize for what they did. They know very well what they did was wrong." A pause and you shake your head. "Loretta and Elizabeth kicked him in the shin and stepped on his foot. While tellin' him to stop bein' angry at Jesse for spittin' and Anthony and Aaron for tryin' to bite and hit 'im."

The two warring emotions that filter across Elvis's face show just how much of a child he can be even as he's a parent to six kids- eight if he counted the ones inside you. He wants to laugh at the sheer chaos the scene brings to mind but at the same time he knows that he should frown upon everything, that you expect him to be able to discipline them a little but at the same time he looks in your eyes and doesn't see a hint of anger. At the children or him. He raises an eyebrow. "And the vomit on the shoe?"

"Rebecca's lunch." The most simple answer as he pulls out the final pins that you couldn't properly see to pull out. "That one i wasn't expectin' in the slightest. Don't know if it was her tryin' to follow her sibling's leads or jus' an upset stomach. But- she hasn't done it since then."

Meaning it likely was her trying to get in on the action. Elvis sighs, sitting on the chest at the bottom of the bed. "Goddamn, darlin'- Our kids did all o' that to him? Our well behaved kids? The ones who know their manners 'n-"

You hold up a hand waving it for him as a signal to stop talking. "Our kids who know their manners 'cause they know I'd have their hides if they didn't. Yes, those kids. Those kids also hate the Colonel 'bout as much as I do-"

It's Elvis's turn to cut you off, standing up only to kneel down in front of you, taking the brush out of your hands so that he can hold them in his own. So he can envelop them in his own and make you focus on his face as he talks. "I know- I know the two of ya haven't ever gotten along but he's why we have all o'this. Wouldn't have gotten so big and wouldn't be in these pictures if it wasn't for 'im."

There is a part of you, a tiny part that will admit he's right, that the Colonel is the reason he's as famous as he is and why he's able to keep up with paying for your ever growing family but at the same time the man hasn't ever truly liked you and he especially likes you less and less the more kids you bring into the world. "Elvis, if he had his way you wouldn't have me or our kids." You whisper, pulling up your hands in an effort to get him to pull up his own so that you can place a small kiss to them. "He never has liked any of us. Got mad when I was pregnant with Loretta and Elizabeth but liked how he could spin it. Same wit' Jesse. But our other three? And these ones? If he could leave us out in a ditch somewhere, I honestly think he would. He- This doesn't give you the all American, Hollywood star look, it makes you look like a backwater hick."

"A backwater hick." He repeats back slowly, knowing fully well it wasn't you saying that. Oh he'd expect that from your mama, but not you. Which had to have meant that was the Colonel's words, not your own. "He tell ya that? He tell my goddamn wife that?

When you had first gotten married you might have looked away due to how Elvis's voice deepens in pitch, a sure sign of how angry he is simmering under the surface. Nowadays? Now it just makes you shake your head for a moment before nodding. "He has- which might be why your children kinda like a dog know when someone is-"

"Not a good person? Has a bad character?" He finishes for you before muttering under his breath. "Children 'n dogs."

The puff of air that leaves your nose betrays just how aggravated you're getting to be with the entire conversation as does the rolling movement of your twins. "They've done this for years, Elvis, it's jus' today that they've all done it at once. We deal wit' it for ya. I know you won't leave 'im so I handle it."

His eyes drift down to your stomach where he sees his children move a bit angrily and he frowns realizing that you've been stuck dealing with this alone while he sung the Colonel's praises all this time. He had to admit that as of late he was feeling a bit dissatisfied with the man and was beginning to wonder if maybe it was time for a change. A change that would make everyone happy. He pulls his hands away from yours and allows you to start to brush your hair again while he moves to touch and rub your stomach in an effort to calm the children. It works quicker than he'd have thought was possible judging by the way you lean back in the chair a little and sigh. Placing a kiss to your stomach he stands up. "I'll talk to 'im tomorrow, a'right? 'Bout a lot of things. Now come on, lets get your hair all brushed and my teeth all brushed and get ya into bed 'fore these lil ones wake back up and make a fuss."

You tilt your head up for a kiss before you nod. "Don't need to tell me twice. Go on, I got my hair sweetheart." You pause. "I love you. And I am sorry about what they did."

"Don't be, they're- our kids, mama. If they weren't like this- I'd be worried." He kisses you one more time before he pulls away to go to the bathroom to brush his teeth. "Love ya too."

Elvis manages to finish brushing his teeth before you finish with your hair and murmurs something about checking on the kids. It's a quick walk to the bedrooms and when he opens the door he's bombarded by a flurry of hugs and overlapping voices.

"We know we shouldn't have but he's so mean to mama!"

"He was yelling at Jesse and Anthony and Aaron, you'd've been mad too daddy!"

"He spit on me first!"

"He what?" The last words uttered by Jesse are what finally have Elvis putting up his hands and telling everyone to be quiet. "Didya jus' say he spit on ya?"

Jesse looks away when he answers, knowing that he technically is lying but he knows Mr. Parker would have. He just knows. "He didn't but- Daddy we jus'. He's mean. He's never mean when you're here but he's mean."

Elvis frowns and pulls his children in for a group hug, noting how they try and burrow into him as best as they can almost as if they want his forgiveness and protection all in one. When he pulls away he places a kiss to each of their foreheads. "I- I'm hearin' all 'bout this tonight. Listen. You all go on 'n get into bed. Daddy's gonna deal wit' some things tomorrow. Some things wit' Colonel Parker. Don't you worry 'bout it."

The grins so much like his own crossing all of their faces make his heart so full of love he almost feels like crying before he shakes his head. Lights out once I leave. And be nice to your mama tomorrow mornin' ya know your siblings are a lil rough on her right now."

A chorus of "yes daddy" leaves everyone's lips in whatever way they can manage it before he shuts the door and moves back to your shared bedroom. You're already on the bed by the time he comes back, curled up with a pillow fast asleep as he slides in next to you and nuzzles at your neck. "Ya gotta tell me 'bout these sorta things, darlin'. Can't protect ya if ya don't. But I'll deal wit' it tomorrow mornin'. Have some words wit' 'im. Love all of ya too much to not."

taglist: @ab4eva, @eliseinmemphis, @powerofelvis, @headfullofpresley, @precious-little-scoundrel, @blurredcolour, @butlersxbirdy, one day i'm gonna keep track of who would want to be tagged with what. today is not that day.

[fortloser]

Hello again! Sooo kinda a personal question but what was yalls childhoods like?

(Also, hope u feel better snipes!)

-Terror

Hallo everyone! I finally got my hands on those portraits! Now most of the others became rather uncomfortable when I started questioning them about their youths. I got answers ranging from “why are you so bloody intrested in how im doing! There’s nothing special about me or my childhood, now bugger off.” to more reasonable explanations. I tried calling Scout on his cellular device but he seemed very preoccupied. Oh well, he’ll get back to you on that, onto the testimonies! Brace yourself friends this will be somewhat lengthy.

I first approached herr Demo, and getting him to open up was fairly easy. His favorite alcoholic beverage and a snack did the trick!

“ It must be me birthday if yer spoiling me rotten doc, I guess I can share something about me youth if yer willing to lend an ear. I grew up in Glencoe Scotland, a great place if you like trails and hiking. Me mum and dad were professional monster hunters and me being the wee little lad that I was wanted to impress em with the greatest catch any child could give their parents, the Loch Ness monster! I did it all on me own but it came at a cost,,”

After that herr demo just stared off in the distance and I made a mental note to ask him more about that later, The Engineer was also very open about his youth! I came to him shortly after dinner knowing he would be busying himself with one of his long-term projects and would enjoy some company, his leg was still a little stiff from a rather nasty fall and so movement was difficult at times. He was more than happy to talk while I assisted.

“Luckenbach Texas, everybody is somebody there. It was recently bought by a goat farmer. Can you believe that? He called himself an Imagineer and after that, a bunch of hillbilly musicians started moving in. Can't complain though, It breathed new life into my home, I hated going back and seeing the state it was in. My mom and pop own a small pig farm there, and I still try to visit though unlike my good-for-nothing twin with his stupid fancy job at “NASA”,,

I don't think I should share his personal frustration about his twin with the public so let's move on, yes? The next day I approached Heavy, he was last on my list and seemingly already aware of me interrogating the entire team, and as he was cleaning his minigun he told me to take a seat.

“You want to know about heavy, Da? Then I will tell you about heavy. Grew up in big town near mountain, you would not know it. Had big family, many sisters and brothers but Heavy was oldest. Family was poor but happy, loved summer, snow would melt and grass and flowers would show, heavy likes this. Went to good school had many friends, now heavy works to give family same life. Doctor is happy  with answer?”

I was surprised he was so willing to talk about his youth, I politely thanked him and left to prepare for that day's battle, I suppose that only leaves me left.

I was born in Germany, my mother was German and my father was Dutch and they both moved to Germany so my mother could be close to her family, he was a watchmaker and she was an artist, this relationship did not last and they got divorced. My motherstayed in germany allowing my father to raise me on his own back in the netherlands. I spent a lot of time in my father's workshop while he was trying to fix up old clocks. I didn't have many friends but who needs them when you have books and wildlife to observe? I excelled in all of my studies and pursued medicine, and eventually ended up here writing to you after I just finished up patching the last of my colleagues.

Stay healthy

With kind regards medic

[s0apmactav1sh]

Alex keller headcanons cuz hes still my husband and ive not focused enough on him because of my dedication to my other fics

I should be sleeping. I need a better sleep schedule

Cw: smut, male directed but can be read as nb no use of yn. These are just my headcanons for alex, i apologise if they arent in line with the actual game/game play i havent played it in a while

SFW <3

I full heartedly believe he grew up with siblings and was the oldest. I feel he was the "im player 1 bcuz im the oldest" type sibling but he still loved playing with his younger brothers/sisters. I feel he most likely had two younger sisters and was constantly hovering whenever they brought home guys or girls.

He was a sporty child, football? Yup, baseball? Yup, basketball? Sure why not. Anything that required him to be fully hands on he did. I think he was constantly on the move with training nearly every day of the week which he always attended no matter what.

Didnt have a girlfriend till his senior year of high school cuz he was completely oblivious to the girls who swooned over him. A complete gentleman and had great manners cuz his mama didnt raise no slob.

Only started experimenting with men in college but even then he was reluctant to try with the same sex bcuz he wasnt sure if it was ok to feel that way. Questioned his sexuality a lot when going through his phase of having one night stands with men

Joined the army to be 'helpful' he had the mindset that he wasnt being helpful sitting in his apartment doing nothing after finishing college. Fully enjoyed the training and everything. Put him into a routine that reminded him of his years of sports

Looks up to farah completely. No matter what he respects her entirely and sees her as the commander over there team.

Prefers a partner that isnt in the military, he'd rather come home to them and drop work off at the door. Hes a work stays at work typa guy and never drags things back, even if something goes bad he doesnt make it an entire personality afterwards for his partner to deal with.

NSFW <3

A raging bisexual but leans more towards men. Defo prefers to be the bottom rather than top mostly because hes so use to having a constant lifestyle so he'd rather be able to lay on his stomach taking it and being treated like a pillow prince that he is.

Loves recieving. Whether it be head or being eaten out he loves it. He's still a giver like will 100% return the favour to his partner if they want but if his partner is more into given well then he has no problem allowing them to do whatever.

Likes toys. Like the ones where his partner can control it, turning it up or down while its inside him. If is partner is male he defo has a custome dildo in the shape of there dick. Just for when hes on base and they arent there.

PHONE SEX!!!! do it with this man and hes folding. Absolutely adores it when hes being told what to do and how to do it. Makes it even better when his partner is on facetime with him and they can see what hes trying to do and they correct it if hes doing it wrong/about to hurt himself.

Eye contact. And a lot of it. Love just lovingly looking at his partner while theyre fucking the life out of him <3 even if there eyes are squeezed shut he still finds his eyes trailing over there facial features. Just completely adores the look as they pleasure him and themselves.

A proud moaner. Man will moan no matter what he has so many sensitive spots and with an attentive partner theres not a chance he stands that he can be quiet but it makes things seem even sweeter bcuz he voices his pleasure so much during the act.

That is it. Ill make another one for king!price later and part 2 to my fic coming out when i wake up

[pocketramblr]

Ask Game : How about an au in where Manual is a Todoroki (Any type of relative)

oh, you mean like when i said Fuyumi should adopt Manual as her brother? Or when we just made Manual the oldest todoroki sibling here, here, (and then...) here? or the separate fic where he's the oldest sibling and also the personification of water and the water cycle itself? Or the series where Tensei and Masaki are Vampire Fuyumi's scions and they're members of the Todoroki clan?

Just kidding, im sure everyone who saw the family tree reblog knows which one i'll talk about here.

1- Masaki, eldest Todoroki Himura child, does not have the quirk his father wanted. He also did not have an ice quirk useful to the Himura family. But he is the eldest, and an eldest son at that, so he's still trained and included by the family. Growing up though, Masaki knows that he's not quite right, not quite what people wanted of him, and tries hard to overcome it. He trains, a lot. He studies the family tree the Himuara clan is so proud of, and then branches out more, as if that'll earn their approval. (he knows most of the whole chart ehehe)He trains to the point that he doesn't just have the ability to manipulate water, but create it too, as his parents create fire and ice. Unfortunately, he can only do this by drawing on his body's stores, so he ends up out of breath and dehydrated too easily when he tries, and wielding large amounts of water is terrible for finesse. Touya, a bright firecracker of a second son, is trained instead. He hurts himself in training too, but can keep going, unlike Masaki. Masaki eases off, still training, still going to be a hero, but giving his little brother more of a spotlight. He's satisfied with what he has. But his brother and father aren't.

2- Masaki stops caring about training with overwhelming power, and focuses on learning how to move small amounts of water with better grace. He dives into the detective part of the job, even as Enji largely neglects passing this on to Touya. He uses his weird knowledge of his family tree for connections- why does he keep getting invited to such high level meetings, missions, and parties?? oh well, you see, Captain Celebrity's sibling married one of Masaki's mom's siblings, so they're in-laws-in-laws, and Ryukyuu's uncle married another one of CC's siblings, so of course Masaki got an invite. He isn't even bragging about his connections, or using them for ill, he just shows up and if people ask why, he says it so matter of fact that they're like 'oh yeah of course, i mean if Manual were my cousin's cousin's aunt's neighbor i'd invite him too, cmon in man." It's amazing how most heroes are more likely to know how they and Masaki are connected than to be aware of the fact that Masaki is straight up Endeavor's son. He doesn't need to be networking this hard. he's doing it anyway. He likes, after all, to be treated normally. He just has a skewed view of normal- but i mean, so does Fuyumi! they're just different skewed views.

3- Sadly this is not a Tensaki au for the simple reason that on one of Endeavor's parent's side, Masaki is distantly related to the Iidas. Now that would not be a problem for literally anyone else, but Masaki took the advice of "if you know how closely you're related, you're too closely related and applied it to his life, not thinking that most people do not in fact have a full knowledge of all of their relatives up to tenth cousins four times removed, and a partial knowledge up to fifteenth six times removed. Tensei is bemused when Masaki asks him how the crawler vigilante is doing, since they never officially partnered, and even more so when Masaki explains "Oh, no, it's just that he's been mentored by my uncle Oguru, has my grandparent's speed quirk and he's like, sixth cousins with your mother, only three or four times removed, so i thought maybe he might have mentioned it to you. But i hope he's doing alright, seems like a good guy and i know that bee bombing thing last month was rough."

4- Masaki dyes his hair brown to look more normal, and because he feels like his natural pink hair clashes with his costume too much. (Hey wonder if all that sexism in the family maybe impacted his view of it too. He very much disapproves of Touya's actions and words but maybe he doesn't want a girly pink hair color either.) Anyway, he also didn't stay at his father's agency for clear reasons. Once his own agency is set up, Fuyumi asks him if he'd consider taking in Natsuo- because he's completely neglected by their father, mom's in the hospital still, touya's dead, and Fuyumi's busy with school, Enji, and Shoto. Masaki agrees, and Natsuo ends up going into school for logistics with a science minor, still considering med school later.

5- "hey uh pocket is dabi not touya here" well that chart was made before the reveal. by not a whole lot of time lol. So, MASAKI doesn't think Dabi is Touya. After all, Touya is Dead. and Dead People do not attack school camps and set trees on fire. Dabi is, therefore, infinitely more likely to actually be Masaki's half uncle- he's pretty sure there are other kids on the fire side of the family, and it gives him a reason for hating Endeavor and his kids so much. Masaki stands by this even as his other siblings start cottoning on to the true identity of the arsonist. He's too normal to believe Dabi could possibly be Touya. After Jakku, he gets a call from Tensei like "hey man, i just heard about the news and i'm so sorry, you know you helped me a lot with my brother and family mess so i'll help you with your brother and-" and Masaki goes "OH THANK YOU i know other things like Eraserhead cutting off his own leg are more important, but i cannot believe my uncle would steal my dead brother's identity like that, with that awful dance-" and Tensei is like 'ah, right.' and just... lets him rant a bit to feel better, before he sniffs and goes 'its actually touya, isn't it.'

[gu6chan]

So What Was Yaha's Deal? Drakengard Things You Might Not Know

GOD okay so im finally rambling about him okay so

I've been thinking about Yaha lately and it's really dawning on me how a lot of people just do NOT know about Yaha's past and it makes sense!! Literally NONE of this is available in English and it's so :( but also it makes me sad both because it's SO good and also because when people shrug him off as just "Reason Drakengard 2 sucks: it has a gay stereotype" like oh you do NOT even know omg

anyways, just so we're on the same page: this is NOT a theory discussing what happened to Yaha, just the best collage of what's ACTUALLY considered "canon" that I've picked up from different side materials and interviews (Most notably, Memory of Blood and World Inside). If I ever find anything else I'll be sure to update it :3

I WILL dive into a bit of personal interpretation/rambling over his battle lines (i have them save lmao) a bit later, maybe even in a separate post, but BOY

So TW: Mentions of noncon, dubcon and CSA up ahead

So i think the first thing that's to be established about Yaha's character is that the Empire DID wipe out most the elf population in DOD1, and while he did survive this, he was more or less still a victim in the respect that his parents WERE killed in likely less-than-painless ways as the Empire sought to use the elves both to use their blood for magic-repellent armour (While it looks like it was only introduced the the third game, it's actually been plot point for a while!) and the children to open the seal.

Given he's 25 by the events of Drakengard 2, he'd have to be around 7 at oldest before he arrived at the orphanage where met Urick. (He's not even 10 and he's already been through it...... baby...........)

Fortunately or unfortunately enough, Yaha DID manage to find a way to "survive" in this world from a very young age, and that was due to the fact that even as a child, he wasn't just commonly mistaken for a girl, but an absolutely "captivating" one. As it reads in his glossary section in Memory of Blood:

"He grew up an orphan, and even though he was a male, he boasted such beauty that he was frequently mistaken for a woman from an early age [...] For this, he uses his beauty as a systemic tool for survival. He captivates everyone, both male and female, and gains both status and protection in exchange for his body, which he used to escape life in the orphanage." (Glossary section from Memory of Blood)

It should be noted before I go on that the director, Akira Yasui, DID hint in his world inside interview that he thinks there was "something" between Yaha and Urick during their days in the orphanage, but whether that means feelings or an actual relationship isn't really clear (Though judging by his tone, it seems to lean more towards the short-lived, childlike-fling interpretation than anything imo i could just be biased though lmao):

"...As for his relationship with Urick, Yaha had liked him since they were in the orphanage together. I think there was definitely “Something” between them before Yaha left the orphanage. The powers of his pact didn’t reach Urick because he already knew how to deal with it; Urick was also once mesmerised by Yaha’s charm." (Yasui interview from World Inside)

(That last line is included for those tragedy points from when we get to the ~Split~ and BOY)

As for the orphanage, Yaha was...... "Adopted" by a well-to-do man when he was 14 years old. As for why and how he got adopted, it's unfortunately stated right at the end of his glossary entry which isn't even the worst part when you take into consideration that he's already been doing this for a while.

At any rate, Yaha DOES decide "You know what? Fuck it, we splurge" and uses all adoptee's fuckass money to buy useless shit until he turned 16 and joined the Knights in search of a better standard of living (How can he get that if he's already pretty much rich? given what he's going through at that point, you do the math)

and you know what? he deserves nice things <3

(And to note, Urick was also taken in by Oror from the orphanage as an apprentice when he was 16 as well.)

Anyways, Yaha was back to survival mode after joining the Knights, and just as he did when he was in the orphanage, used his body to climb the ranks of the KotS in search of a better standing in life. It's just repeating what his glossary says, but Yaha WAS slandered for this and got a lot of shit and rumours spoken about him behind his back for it. And the list...... wondering why gismor isn't on that list.... is there something he's not telling us???

"He joined the Knights of the Seal in search of a better standard of life; his successful climbing of its ranks being more due to his "body" than his skill in battle. The only people of notable standing who had not had a relationship with him are Oror and the Hierarch Seere (It is rumoured that he may have also had a relationship with Verdelet). Behind his back, Yaha was labelled a nymphomaniac." (Glossary section from Memory of Blood)

While working on an excavation site during the creation of the different countries of Midgard into districts (It's own can of worms), Yaha comes across a beautiful jewel unlike anything he had seen before. SO beautiful as a matter of fact, that Yaha, who by merit made beauty his everything on the basis that it was all he had (aside from Urick), took personal offense to this and pointed his sword at it. However, from the jewel came a gnome who would go on to offer Yaha a pact, offering him irresistible charm so that he could get whoever he wanted. Yaha, seeing the opportunity to move up even further in the ranks of the Knights of the Seal (both due to his charm and his status as a Pact-Partner, as Gismor was looking for Pact-Partners specifically SO they could guard the Seal Keys and manage the districts) and also claim Urick's heart by doing it, accepted the pact in an instant. But as you all know, that came at a VERY high price. Of course, Yaha lost his ability to feel pleasure, resulting in whatever "barrier" from his mental scars he had whenever he tried to do the deed being removed. The act of sex, for Yaha, was filled with not just mental pain made lighter by the aspect of pleasure, but now was just sheer psychical pain as well. What a lot of people may not know, however, is how literally Urick meant it when he said "Don't look into his eyes, he'll trick you with his lies" and followed up with "It's the power given to him by his pact-beast. Or maybe it's the price he had to pay." Urick was not joking.

For those familiar with Junji Ito's Tomie, it was essentially just that: Yaha wasn't just in possession of extreme charm, but enough to bring people to lose all rational thought and reason when they were around him. And the way the glossary talks about this...

"[...]As a result, his beauty became even more ebullient, to the point it lead to people easily losing all sense of reason. However, his body was no longer able to feel the sensation of pleasure. This was the price of his pact. Although Yaha had come to immensely regret it, it was already too late. He now lives every day being swarmed by those who have lost all reason and is forced to engage in sexual acts filled with nothing but fear and pain."

Yaha............ :( SO this is what leads to the real final kicker: Yaha has gotten his position, has more beauty than anyone could ever imagine, but what he really wants is Urick, right? Of all the pain of sex both psychically and mentally, if he could at least be with Urick, the one person he saw differently, the one person that at least wouldn't be mentally scarring to sleep with, maybe it could all make sense. So Yaha confesses to Urick. But Urick turns him down - not because of any sound argument, but because all he sees is a self-absorbed narcissist in his friend's place, manipulating others and sleeping around carelessly just to up his own ranks in society. For two seconds, it would make sense - That's technically what it is. A honest flaw in Yaha's character is that he's genuinely greedy and materialistic. He uses goddamned slave labour, for Christ's sake. On the other hand, is he really looking for a higher place in society? Or is he looking for stability? A place to get away from his past and be the one in control for once? Of course, being perfectly aligned with Urick's own version of "self-absorption" (All the Lieutenants have it!), he completely failed to realise where all that stemmed from. He saw Yaha as just being greedy and narcissistic from the lens of him being inherently bad, didn't for a second take into account Yaha's origins which led to that behaviour. His own best friend. So, long story short: Urick thinks Yaha is a bastardisation of his best friend and, following in his cowardly character, takes that as personally as you can (as you see in all his scenes and lines relating to Yaha together, im going to slap that little cunt) - despite the fact Yaha SHOULD have had the upper hand via his Tomie-like powers, as I mentioned towards the start of the post, Urick was already charmed by Yaha - he had just grown used to it because of how close they already were.

Brief Personal Analysis:

Personally reading into it, Yaha doesn't really care so much about his position as, beyond just being about as high as you can get, and it wasn't what he really wanted. The underlying source that got him that position to START with was his beauty, which Yaha cherishes like a narcissist would. He's used to people changing their tune whenever they lay eyes upon them, which Urick specifically instructs not to do towards the beginning of the battle, and is the source of such lines as "If I die, my beautiful body and the holy crystal shall perish. You would let that happen?" At the same time, a player death results in a VERY different tune from Yaha, where he dejectedly says the line "My beauty... It is my sin." Possibly hinting towards his own conflicted feelings and sorrow towards it as again, he goes from "My body is perfect, is it not?" to "My beauty is my sin" as soon as Nowe or his crew is too dead to question it. The difference is VERY jarring between the two, and I also bring into question the tone he uses to speak about his gnomes on whether he intentionally sounds exhausted of them (It would make sense, given the hinted resentment he has towards his pact-beasts for doing him dirty like that) or if he... Just sounds like that. Granted, a LOT of Yaha's lines sound similar in their sultry, somewhat sorrowful and tired tone all around. Of course, there are also his lines directed towards Urick, which should be self-explanatory given the context, but a few other notes and trivia and whatnot before i wrap up:

Just to note and say the obvious a final time since I know how this fanbase can be: Yaha IS genuinely a narcissist, that being his leading character flaw, though of course it should go without saying that while his actions as a result of that (re: slave labour) are definitely not to be swept under the rug, it's just as important to note the context that led to that and the tragedy of his character because of it. As Urick says, "He was very different then."

Yaha is confirmed bisexual! It surprised me too, but...

"Similarly, when I designed Yaha, I designed him to be a typical narcissist — a character who would probably go and describe their own self as "Beautiful". But even though his character is supposed to be one who is attracted to both men and women in the story, people who are attracted to both genders in real life are usually not of this type. Like Gismor, he also largely captures the image of "Bewitching"." (Character Artist Fujisaka commenting on Yaha's design in Memory of Blood)

Just a fun little detail: During Yaha's battle against the Rock Gnome, when it lifts the jewel above it's head in order to throw it at you, you can throw out a magic attack at just the right time and it will drop the jewel on its head for massive damage! And of course, similarly you mainly attack the Rock Gnome by using jump attacks to bring your weapon down on its head. And if you look at Yaha's portrait during his death scene...

Similarly, Urick is strong against monsters, which encourages you to use him to bring the final death blow to Yaha. And given their lore together I'd be damned if this cruel little snippet wasn't done intentionally.

The drawing of Yaha's death with the gnomes is titled "End of Agony", and hopefully after reading this post, you now know why.

A bit more interpretation than theory, but I have an ongoing hunch that each of the layouts and/or "gimmicks" of the Lieutenant's fortresses are based off the personality and story of the Lieutenant itself. Hanch is based around walls, closed doors and of course, water, Urick's is a twisting maze based off of sacrifice with the themes of life and death, Gismor's is based in fighting your way up a tall tower to reflect his ego and overlying reach as an antagonist, and Yaha's, primarily, is based off of illusions. The more you get past them and through the fortress, the less "ebullient" and fancy it looks until you reach its end - a single, shabby room filled with sand and dirt with nothing but a few musty crates and a bunch of jail cells meant for holding sacrificed prisoners to the Seal Keys. If that doesn't reflect Yaha's whole character, I don't know what does.

Either way, that's about all I think I have for him! Hopefully you learned something new, and if you have any questions, do let me know~

[spacelazarwolf]

wonder how that person would feel knowing im from a blue state and still didn’t know about being gay until i was in middle school lol. my parents never talked about it growing up and im the oldest child. who tf was i going to learn about it from??? i didn’t know shit until i joined tumblr in middle school and learned everything.

this mindset is also so damaging and cruel imo. looking down on people and shaming them for not knowing at the “right time” and acting like you’re better than them like genuinely the fuck??? that’s so hostile and the key to turning people away and making them feel even more embarrassed and ashamed. that’s not what the community should stand for at all

it’s the same vibes as ppl who are like “if u were REALLY TRANS u would have known from the time u were in the WOMB and since u DIDNT then CLEARLY u are not REALLY TRANS. NO i don’t care that u didn’t even know what being trans meant. if u were REALLY TRANS u would have MAGICALLY KNOWN regardless of resources.”

[lntrusiveknock]

sometimes i think of letting the darkness take me. i watched the people i love and who should love me and themselves enough to change- succumb to a human weakness. an insidious truth. i beg to know why i should stand up alone. i wonder why i should be strong when this belief of a greater good seems to be invisible in their lives and its absence is painfully and heartbreakingly evident. years of experience on this earth and it fails to teach some of us better. but especially ones i hold so dear…i wonder if i am born and fated to be alone in victory, with no company on the battlefield. i just dont want to be alone, in whatever i do… i even ask my shadow to chase me and haunt me. i need a bridge to my oldest dreams. i need to arrive at the start again and mark the close of one circle. I Need to come out of this new. i wish to not let myself become old and helplessly jaded. there would always be inferiority where i go. i need to be stronger than the wallowing voices, spoken from the lips of my loved one. it pains me so much you dont even know. more than what is reasonable for a child who could just choose to look away, i dont know. i wouldnt ever have known what being normal is like. my home is plagued by a protected sense of regret so living and ever present, human indignity, the constant striving for justification and pride beneath rock bottoms, it is making every single person so extremely dysfunctional… i dont want to continue living in this reality anymore… i pray my outlook on it all changes and not just for me… because theres nothing more on earth that disgusts me more than honest emotional inexperience… it is twisting me inside out. i dont know why the kindness my heart extends is so selective. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHY. and it will take me down further if i dont change it…the last thing ill ever do is find accusation only to reinforce my beliefs. (im past the point of linearity and Frankly you wouldnt guess how ELATED and grateful i am to have reached this absolute low.) hate me, hate the world for this.. i just dont want to feel it anymore.

[miiilowo]

What do you think William and Michael’s relationship was like before Evan died?

I always thought of them having a good relationship before that, and William feeling betrayed by Michael “murdering” Evan.

im gonna put these into one since theyre related :3

I am a firm believer in the fact william ADORED his kids. it seems like a fair leap to make that he'd hate them since hes, you know, a child murderer, but there is soooooooooooo much evidence to contradict it and its genuinely one of my favorite things about him. as such, i do think that, when it comes to michael specifically, he used to love him too! most of this is headcanon, though i do have reasons for some of it, and especially the belief he loved them.

Regarding michael though, at MOST, it would've been being just...Kind of irritated with him. If you've got a kid whos kind of an annoying prick and an asshole, youre not gonna like them 100% of the time, but that doesnt mean youre going to hate them, either. It's also important to note that Mike is the oldest; He's been around the longest. He was Williams first kid.

I havent thought too much about their relationship before evan and elizabeth came along, but i certainly don't think it would be bad in any way. William likes kids! He likes entertaining kids! He likes to entertain, in general; Hes a very theatric individual. It's what he centered his entire life around for a long time, and it's not a stretch to say he would be delighted to have a kid of his own, you know? Before the whole bite of 83 incident, he was coasting. He was not the man we know him to be now.

As time goes on, though, I think it would be a sort of situation where Michael "resents" William for kind of being...Absent. For not paying as much attention to him as he used to. He's very, VERY obsessed with his work, and taking into account how mike is your standard asshole teenager, i dont think its a stretch to believe he'd hate how he's never around and use that against him in his head; Not only that, but he has two younger siblings, who are probably getting a lot more attention because they require it. Thats angst fuel, baby!!!!!!!!! God knows SOMETHING was wrong with that boy and its not the same shit thats wrong with william

Post evan-crunching, I do think he would resent michael. I dont think he would LIKE that he resents him, but i think he would nonetheless. It would be...Very complicated. He'd know its not his fault, but its definitely his fault, right? It wasn't on purpose, but he did do it on purpose, you know? He did it, but he didn't mean to. But he did. Its kind of hard to forgive someone for something like that.

Though, I know Williams character, and i know he...Doesn't like to admit to his faults. (And even if he does admit to them, he tends to embrace them and see them as a good thing.) Due to this, I can see him deflecting any and all blame onto michael & henry (because he was the better engineer at this time and mostly responsible for the animatronics), rather than the fact he wasnt there to prevent it from happening like he probably should have been + allowed michael to continue bullying evan in general.

Instead of being consumed by the thought that, perhaps, if he had stepped in sooner, this wouldn't have happened, he WOULD press that blame onto mike. he would grow to resent him over time. It doesn't help that, in my personal interpretation of him, the whole reason william started his whole child murder escapade was because he wanted to figure out how to bring evan back; he just kind of lost the thread along the way. always been a bit silly, regardless.

While its obvious that william fucking hates mike later on in the timeline, i think that may be partially because the whole 'wholly blaming michael for evans death' thing could easily turn into 'wholly blaming michael for everything that went wrong'. if we do choose to believe that he started killing in an effort to figure out how to bring his son back, that means michael wouldve been the first domino. the reason he started killing, the reason he built the funtimes, the reason elizabeth died (whom he also loved very much; see circus baby), the reason henry no longer wanted to associate with him, the reason he lost everything. his lifes work. his passions. his entire family. the reason he died. the reason hes stuck inside springtrap. the reason hes eternally suffering. if it werent for michael killing evan, none of this wouldve happened.

its not michaels fault that william ruined his own life, and i think, deep down, thats something he knows, but its not something he wants to acknowledge. not after believing it for so long.

anyway before he died i think they had family game nights

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

heads

okay im aff youre neg

prompts are

a) if you find money on the ground its automatically yours to keep

B) being the oldest child is better than being the youngest child

and c) you should always listen to your parents

I choose to strike prompt number three your turn to strike either a or b

B

[mrhaitch]

TW: don’t know what to put here but just a warning.

my mother and i got into an argument. i am the oldest of 6 so in her words, i am the second mom of the home. my brother and his friend decided to sell snacks at school which i let him do, but in turn i mentioned it to my mom who blew up. she got in my face, slap me multiple times, hit me with a rolling pin and threaten me with a knife. now i’ll say, im a crier but only after i blow it too. so i did basically yell back in her face but i never raised my hand other than to remove my airpods, glasses, move my laptop and water away or to shield myself and my younger brother and sister who were trying to get her to stop. after a while she went to work cs she worked nights but around 2, she calls me somewhat apologetically saying that she didn’t want to do it but i kept pushing her to that point and that i need to let her yell at her kids and not get involved and how i was better than that. she said i needed to forgive her before i went to sleep cs she could hardly drive and didn’t want to die on the road with me thinking badly over her, idk but at that moment it felt like an apology so i cried and forgave her. but later i felt like it wasn’t an apology, im upset but i feel like it would be wrong.

Okay. I'll start this by saying I am not the person you need to speak to. I am concerned you are in an abusive household and you need to access support - speak to a teacher, or a social care team, or whatever you might have access to in your country. You should do this soon.

No parent should ever, in any circumstances, slap or hit their child or threaten them with a weapon. You are not a second mother to your siblings, you are just another child in the family, and you should not be burdened with dealing with their behaviour. That is your mother's job.

Her comments to you during the phone call are manipulative. She wasn't apologising, or being apologetic - she blamed you for her violence, and then guilted you into forgiving her.

You need, need, to access support and get away from there. I don't know if this is a one off or just a particularly bad incident in a chain of bad incidents, but things like this can and will escalate and you must prioritise your safety and wellbeing. Any further incidents must be reported to the police, especially if you feel that you or your siblings are unsafe.

Please be safe and I am so sorry this is happening to you.

[eggthew]

The whole "youngest child vs eldest child" thing is something I think about a lot. I'm not denying that the eldest child often gets a lot of responsibility pushed on them, made to take care of younger siblings when they shouldn't, and are treated different by parents. like I get that, I'm not denying that, it's awful and I cant imagine dealing with that

but the whole "WE are the ones that raised you and ALL youngest siblings are sooo spoiled and always treated better by parents" thing always pisses me off, like that's not the experience I had. me being the youngest didn't stop my parents from abusing me. they just abused me in a different way than they abused my oldest sibling. and hearing all of that talk, especially when I was younger, just made me feel so bad and guilty about the ways my parents treated me better, as if it was MY fault and I didn't deserve any of the kindness they did show. and that had led to some complexes lmao. being told I'm a spoiled brat when my parents did the bare minimum of parenting. yes its not fair and disgusting that they didnt do the same for my sibling, but it wasnt my fault.

also the whole thing of "all eldest siblings, especially Eldest Daughters, who were responsible/raised their younger siblings were so so nice and nurturing towards their Baby Siblings" or whatever, Im very brain foggy and cant word it right now. but once again, in my experience that wasnt the fucking case. due to the abuse and stress my oldest sibling was dealing with, they lashed out and bullied me n my other sibling (middle child) for years. I legitimately thought they hated me most of the time. I'm not blaming them at all, I have no hard feelings towards them, but I have never felt the "youre my baby sibling and I need to look out for you 🥺" thing ever.

idk its the whole thing of like. not all experiences are universal, yes there a lot of eldest siblings who were treated like shit bc they were the eldest, but maybe instead of shitting on the younger siblings, get mad at the parents lmao. and I see so many people make it into their entire personality in a way thats incredibly toxic but treat it as a good thing, and not something that should be addressed or healed from, and that all younger siblings should fall down at their older siblings feet and beg for forgiveness and be eternally greatful. Especially when all siblings are well into their adulthoods. go to therapy or something this isnt healthy or fair on anyone involved

[defsoullr]

tips on children, from an oldest sister of 3

i don't know what age group im talking about in particular tbh. maybe 8, maybe younger. just. children's stuff.

if you need dead silence (either you took the kid to a quiet place like a library or someone is sleeping in the house and you don't want them to wake up), don't look at the kid and whisper to them "we need to be quiet." because that usually makes them LOUDLY 'whisper' to you when they want to speak. instead, do the universal quiet sign of a finger over your lips and point to your reasoning for being quiet (aka the sleeping parent). i'm not saying this works 100% but it helps

elaborate on everything. speak to them way longer than you should, this will both make them understand the world better and also! it makes them speak better because they are developing their speech patterns by listening to you. it's good to teach them many words, and different ways of constructing sentences! speak to them especially longer if they need to make a decision and the result of this decision matters a lot (hence you will need to redirect them if they make the wrong decision- and they will trust you with their decisions a lot more if you consistently do this! make sure to give them a lot of information that they need, and give them breadcrumbs so they can exercise critical thinking and make those decisions themselves.)

give specific compliments. if they bring something to you and ask you if you like it, don't just say yes or no. whatever your answer is, point something out to them and elaborate. another thing: you don't even need to compliment them all the time- children like constructive criticism more than people think. as long as you're polite and excited, they will enjoy your opinion. "i like how you cut this, it especially looks good here; but it would look even better if you cut it more precisely up here!" (gives them a new big word to learn and also, they will probably follow your advice too and come to you a few minutes later with a much better-looking handcraft!

loud children will actually get quieter if you talk to them quietly, a bit quieter than your natural voice. they will mimic you- for a few minutes, at least, until they get bored.

if you buy something for yourself and they show a special interest in it, pointing it out and complimenting it; that is now your next best idea if you want to give them a present. they will lose their minds if you buy them one, too. (even if they didn't specifically ask for one)

elaborating on gifts, children LOVE useless shiny things. don't think too much when you're buying them gifts, just buy whatever they ask of you, or whatever is the most eye-catching in a shop. a good pen so they can use it while doing homework? fine. a very cheap and useless pen that has a PANDA on it? oh they will love that shit.

if they are upset and crying (but obviously not injured), let them cry for a while before you prod further. there is no need to rush things unless the kid is in danger. approach them patiently and you will see that once the crying reduces a bit, and they can speak, they will be very intent on spilling their troubles at you. if you can't solve their problem, take your time to pick your reasonings and explain them to the child. if you prove to this child that you are truly powerless here, sell it convincingly, they will understand and stop crying. but- you need to be honest. kids are naive because of their age but they can spot lies, especially if the same lie is used over and over again. the more genuine you are with them, the more they will trust you when you say something. you earn your authority by earning their trust first.

kids have varying opinions on physical touch. my personal experience is with my younger sisters and they really like it, so that's what i will speak about: if a child likes physical touch and wants hugs all the time, do not turn them down. it is serious to them, if you turn them down they will feel upset about it. unreasonably upset. it's okay to refuse a couple of times to teach them that they need permission and consent before hugging someone; but other than that, please cut children some slack and sacrifice your own comfort if necessary. you are the adult here, you can be uncomfortable for 15 seconds to keep your child happy. you will not die. and- children who don't like physical touch at all- i'm sure they exist but i personally don't know any. most children are chill with headpats or just poking their face with your finger.

children will mimic you to hell and back so WATCH WHAT YOU DO AROUND THEM. they will literally become you. if your spare time is full of reading, don't be surprised when your child starts reading in their room too. if you scroll all day, don't ask why you have an ipad kid. if your child is easily angered, try to remember how you reacted to a broken glass yourself last week. don't you ever remove yourself from the equation- when you're talking to your kid, you are ALWAYS talking to yourself.

don't yell at your kid. if you're refusing to give your kid what they want so fiercely; then you know why you can't accept their request. you have a solid reason. just explain them your reason instead of yelling. it's hard but if you're not willing to do hard things then maybe don't have kids?

talk to them. they have a lot to tell you.

never ask your kid what the other kids in their class are doing. adopt a complete idgaf attitude for other kids- we literally do not care. just knowing your own kid's performance is enough. (this point is important because it pisses me off personally. i know parents who literally ask their children 'how did the other kids do' BEFORE congratulating the child FOR A PERFECT SCORE. seriously, why do people care so much about strangers? or, being better or worse off than strangers?) (most of these kids themselves don't care anyway)

let your kid break things and make messes. it's a part of human development. if you don't want to clean after them, DO NOT HAVE KIDS LMAO maybe send them somewhere they CAN make a mess. like? a course or something? their grandparents who live in a house with a garden? anyway, just do not forcefully raise clean kids, they grow up with crippling confidence issues. they need to know that even if they mess up, they can recover and fix their mistakes. they need to know this by breaking a few glasses, abusing some sharpies or scraping their knees. THIS IS INESCAPABLE. if you don't let them learn now, life will eventually catch up to them and they will be forced to learn later- when the costs inevitably grow. they may fail an important exam, they may crash a car, they may find themselves in a horrible relationship. what will they do then, not knowing how to navigate a mess? anyway, a kid who has already shattered a glass will be VERY careful next time they pick up one, don't forget that.

if they have a hobby, for god's sake let them pursue it no matter now ridiculous it is. be creative and solve their problems, you are the parent. if they want a guitar and you can't afford one, at least ask the child's school to see if they have one that the child can practice on. PLEASE go above and beyond for your kid. you are the only person who can. that is your child- no one will give them more effort than you do. you better do a good job, right?

children don't forget what is said to them. be gentle. i have forgiven my own parents many times, but i remember everything they said to me in our worst fights. it doesn't hurt less just because we made up.

i overall think you should not have kids because they are so so so fragile. so much consideration needed. so much energy and just raw compassion- it's not something everyone can do. i personally don't think i can. parents create the base- the groundwork- for their child's personality and i think that's a responsibility that is just too big to bear. when you think too deep into it, "am i raising this child correctly?" can quickly turn into "wait, was i raised correctly?" and boom. existential crisis.

[assghost]

i am weird...

i was always told to go play outside, but i was afraid bc i hated loud sounds. so when my sisters got new phones i asked my mom for one, so i could play and text her if something bad happens.

i was 8 then.

i didnt call my mom for 6 years bc i hated the sound. i only texted her. i was the silent youngest child that got everything i wanted but i never wanted too much. and while my sisters stole some money from mom, i asked her whenever i needed some to a point that she put a jar with money for me to take whenever i needed, but even then big numbers scared me.

i was 12 then...

and now i see children... 4 years old... with a phone, a tablet and still wanting more. 8 year olds never letting go of their phones and walking from the bus to school with their noses in their phones, phones cracked as hell...

...and i have only broken my phone once...

My sisters had broken their phones many times, but i only broke it from a small fall...

my sisters are 8 years older than me, they finished school when i had just started, they tought me math before everyone so it would be easy...

why arent other kids like me... why are they so loud and annoying, why cant they just enjoy the sun and the quiet breeze... it hurts...

My ears and head hurts.

So i play the guitar my sister taught me and sing songs from many languages that i learnt from the internet thinking that would help me feel better and find how i should feel. But it only made me lost... so i went to art school, finished it and went a few extra years just to learn watercolors and try something else. But did it help?

I always talk too quiet, nobody hears me fully... if i speak im misunderstood, ignored or just not noticed... so i try to have good grades, go to contests to show something... but i still don't know how to learn... Maybe someone might hear this plea...

Everything rises, sounds all rise, pain rises, prices rise, temperature differences rise... and i feel cold so i lie down... my numbers are doing great, but everything else is too difficult to understand... i feel blind... my mind is only of shadows and midnight darkness, i can't see without my glass... es... so i let time go, let others choose what to do, because i can't see any options without you showing them to me...

Im an useless child... why am i different...

My sister had a baby, never let him get out of her sight, never left him with our mom for longer that 15 seconds. All guests were told to wash their hands as soon as they came in to their house, so the house could be kept clean. All walls white, cabinets white. Clothes of the parents were dark, bed and sofa were dark, the child was kept light.

My sister sent her 2 year old to kindergarden... she always kept his away from screens, bright lights and such so he would not be overstimulated. He only gets music from phones and toys... his parent never sing or hum to him... his father acts more like a child than him and his mother always hides under her impression of the father... the child doesn't like to be alone...

Oh what will become of him...

my mom sung to me whenever she hugged me and i loved going to her every single day just to hug her and hear her voice...

my oldest sister ran away from home a few times before i was born...

the other sister liked sleeping over at her friends so mom drove her all those 34 kilometers to her friend whenever she asked...

i always hated the thought of sleepovers because whenever sisters brought their friends to our house it was very loud... i feared i wouldn't know how to act in a friends house...

why am i different...

[myownpersonaldiary2323]

Ok first rant.

Lately I’ve been feeling bad; I feel like everyone in my family has some one, my mom has my dad, and my brothers all have eachother. I’ve told mom how I feel useless but that got thrown back in my face, that’ll be the last time I do that :) everyone always yells at me for being in my room all day it’s always the same old thing “ are you gonna do anything today” “ damn bro you’re lazy” they don’t realize they’re the reason I don’t come out of my room or my bed. Im tired of feeling not good enough it’s like NO ONE notices me im the forgotten one and anytime I bring it up I get treated like shit, it’s fine tho I should rlly j be used to it by now. One day I j want to be someone’s first choice; I know that if my family were to have a ranking of who there favorite family member was it go like this 𝑚𝑜𝑚：bro#3, bro#2, dad, bro#1, me 𝑑𝑎𝑑：mom, bro#1, bro#3, bro#2, me bro#2：bro#2, bro#3, dad, mom, me bro#2 ： bro#1, bro#3, mom, dad, me bro#3： bro#1, bro#2, mom, dad, me. I get it tho I wouldn’t put me first either. It’s like when they’re gone I miss them more than anything, and they don’t even notice I’m missing, and I’m starting to think that they’d be better off without me. Do you know how hard it is being the forgotten child? Everyone talks over you! No one ever listens! And then they blame it on you it’s always “ maybe you should speak up then!” And “ maybe if you got out of your room you wouldn’t be ‘forgotten” my mom has said some messed up things one time we were driving in a rental van and I mentioned how we should get one so she could be and art mom, she replied with “ no, I could be a football mom” she didn’t know that what she said had shattered my heart into a million different pieces, I get that to you it may not seem like it’s not a big deal but to me I’ve always wanted their approval and attention, I wanted them to see me how they see my brothers, my two oldest brothers play football and they expect my little brother to as well; the boys get all the praise and attention, while I sit there in envy. I started to think that maybe if I started to act more like my siblings I’d get more love but they j told me I wasn’t cute and to quit acting like that :) even our other family members act this way I’m nobody’s favorite, at school it’s always about them, people only talk to me when they need something. And then they wonder why I’m always so angry. They wonder why I absolutely fucking HATE myself. I hate being the last person to leave the table after eating, I hate sitting alone because everyone else already finished, I hate feeling the way I do, I hate being so worthless., I hate hating my body and the way I look, I hate feeling bad after I eat, and I hate that the people making me feel bad are the ones I love most. I getting tired of fighting back to the point where I’m j giving up on defending myself, I’m giving up on trying to talk and have my voice heard, I’m giving up on trying to have my parents love me and appreciate me. I look at people who are literally so close to their family and I wish I was them, I wish I didn’t get pushed to the side when it comes to how I feel. I wish I was some one else. Someone better. I wish I wasn’t me.