myownpersonaldiary2323

[myownpersonaldiary2323]

Rant #3.

I don’t remember my childhood. Specifically I don’t remember spending time with my parents the way my brothers do. I don’t remember ever spending time with dad, and the only thing I remember about my mom is the one time she rubbed my head while singing “Jesus in the morning” everything else is nonexistent. I don’t remember much of the bad either, just the time my dad flipped out on me because he thought I stole from him, and I remember this because he called my mom yelling while we were visiting grandma and she put me on the phone; I got yelled at at called so many bad words, he didn’t believe me and came and got me I was crying in the car and I can’t really remember if I got whooped or not. Another time is when bro#1, bro#2, bro#3 and I were laying down and we were all hungry and bro#1 went and stole some granola bars so we wouldn’t starve, mom and dad were sleeping off a bender most likely. I guess it goes to show how pointless my life feels. I mean, mom and dad always say how they always wanted a little girl, but I feel like if that were true I’d have memories of them and me, I taught myself everything, I taught myself how to ride a bike. I never had that mother daughter time other girls had with their moms; and growing up I always envied those girls at school who were so close to their mom. Nowadays I try and try to get my mom to have a girls day but she never wants to, and u can bet that hurts. I feel like I’m alone in this world. No one wants anything to do with me. I’m so fucking angry, the little girl inside of me wants to scream because she’s figuring out that neither of her parents and non of her siblings want anything to do with her, she’s seeing that nothing is changing and it’s breaking her heart, all her dreams of ever having a normal family are crushing right in front of her. Here I am crying writing this, I wish I wasn’t but I’m weak and can’t help it. It seems like even now when my parents are sober they still don’t care about me and can’t even blame it on a substance, and it has to be me they built a better relationship with my siblings; I think they gave up on me a long time ago. Maybe I should to.

[myownpersonaldiary2323]

2nd rant.

I don’t think my oldest brother likes me very much, he got bro#2 and bro#3 christmas gifts, and didn’t get me anything (which ik it’s just a gift) but he asked all of us what we wanted and he didn’t even try to get me what I asked for and it was the cheapest thing on the list. It seems like he always favors them over me, I mean I know we don’t have the best relationship but I’d die for him and it doesn’t even seem like he likes me it doesn’t seem like any of them do. It makes me think that if I really were to kms they wouldn’t even blink an eye, bro#3 told me tonight while we were arguing “then you wonder why you’re always forgotten!” And that stung cause it’s true, I deserve everything that happens to me. I get it I don’t like myself either. I’m a hard person to like. Nothing ever changes. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling worthless and out of place in my own home. What am I supposed to do?

[myownpersonaldiary2323]

Ok first rant.

Lately I’ve been feeling bad; I feel like everyone in my family has some one, my mom has my dad, and my brothers all have eachother. I’ve told mom how I feel useless but that got thrown back in my face, that’ll be the last time I do that :) everyone always yells at me for being in my room all day it’s always the same old thing “ are you gonna do anything today” “ damn bro you’re lazy” they don’t realize they’re the reason I don’t come out of my room or my bed. Im tired of feeling not good enough it’s like NO ONE notices me im the forgotten one and anytime I bring it up I get treated like shit, it’s fine tho I should rlly j be used to it by now. One day I j want to be someone’s first choice; I know that if my family were to have a ranking of who there favorite family member was it go like this 𝑚𝑜𝑚：bro#3, bro#2, dad, bro#1, me 𝑑𝑎𝑑：mom, bro#1, bro#3, bro#2, me bro#2：bro#2, bro#3, dad, mom, me bro#2 ： bro#1, bro#3, mom, dad, me bro#3： bro#1, bro#2, mom, dad, me. I get it tho I wouldn’t put me first either. It’s like when they’re gone I miss them more than anything, and they don’t even notice I’m missing, and I’m starting to think that they’d be better off without me. Do you know how hard it is being the forgotten child? Everyone talks over you! No one ever listens! And then they blame it on you it’s always “ maybe you should speak up then!” And “ maybe if you got out of your room you wouldn’t be ‘forgotten” my mom has said some messed up things one time we were driving in a rental van and I mentioned how we should get one so she could be and art mom, she replied with “ no, I could be a football mom” she didn’t know that what she said had shattered my heart into a million different pieces, I get that to you it may not seem like it’s not a big deal but to me I’ve always wanted their approval and attention, I wanted them to see me how they see my brothers, my two oldest brothers play football and they expect my little brother to as well; the boys get all the praise and attention, while I sit there in envy. I started to think that maybe if I started to act more like my siblings I’d get more love but they j told me I wasn’t cute and to quit acting like that :) even our other family members act this way I’m nobody’s favorite, at school it’s always about them, people only talk to me when they need something. And then they wonder why I’m always so angry. They wonder why I absolutely fucking HATE myself. I hate being the last person to leave the table after eating, I hate sitting alone because everyone else already finished, I hate feeling the way I do, I hate being so worthless., I hate hating my body and the way I look, I hate feeling bad after I eat, and I hate that the people making me feel bad are the ones I love most. I getting tired of fighting back to the point where I’m j giving up on defending myself, I’m giving up on trying to talk and have my voice heard, I’m giving up on trying to have my parents love me and appreciate me. I look at people who are literally so close to their family and I wish I was them, I wish I didn’t get pushed to the side when it comes to how I feel. I wish I was some one else. Someone better. I wish I wasn’t me.

[myownpersonaldiary2323]

This is a blog strictly for me to rant about my trauma and feelings it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it. Don’t like don’t read.