#i say this like i want it to be an ocd tag
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i dont reblog those posts about how hard it is to have moralizing ocd in online spaces, even though i deeply resonate with them. ironically, i can only talk to 2 people about my ocd, because one of my obsessions is that other people will assume im using my mental health as a shield against criticism if i talk about it. therefore, if i talk about my ocd in any circumstance, my brain believes that i'm already doing something immoral
basically, most of my obsessions resolve around people assuming bad faith of me or that i'm somehow secretly an irredeemably bad person, no matter how hard i try to be good. i am a bad person if i dont reblog posts about serious topics, spend every waking moment thinking about extremely serious topics, or make any social mistakes whatsoever (which is scary because i'm also autistic). i believe that i am irredeemable if i make a small mistake, and i often think all my friends are waiting for me to make a mistake so that they can attack me, and that my life will be ruined if i fuck up. im constantly scanning all my interests (and people i know) for the tiniest imperfections (far beyond healthy amounts of criticism in your interests) out of fear that liking anything or anyone makes me a horrible person. if you dont take a side on this lgbt label discourse, then youre a bigot! im ALWAYS mentally preparing responses and apologies to totally theoretical situations of people being upset with me. i have intrusive thoughts about doing the immoral things that scare me most.
the problem is, *talking about* any of these thoughts invites people who will actually bad faith me. "if youre so worried about this stuff, then you must have something to hide! you just want to avoid accountability!" they make your obsession a reality by accusing you of the exact thing you fear most. none of these thoughts are reasonable or realistic, and i know that. i know that i'm mentally ill. i know logically that i'm as good a person as anyone else. when i actually do make a mistake, i stay level-headed and apologize, acknowledge what i did wrong, and change my behavior
but there is a large part of me that does not want to heal from my ocd, because i believe constant self-monitoring and self-critique is the only thing preventing me from becoming a horrible person
there is nothing i want more in this world than to be a good altruistic human being who is capable of growth, but spending weeks trapped in thought loops analyzing all my behaviors for the smallest signs of a mistake will not help me be a better person. it makes me a worse friend. it drains my energy so that i dont have the mental capacity to actually spend time being kind to others. i reread this post many times while writing it to make sure i didnt accidentally write 6 different slurs. but i can't figure out how to heal. what the fuck do i do about this
this is incredibly hard for me to write about. i'm fighting the urge to delete this post as you read it. i cant stress how debilitating this is for me, it is the biggest hurdle in my life and it sucks away days worth of my time and energy. i will become trapped in thought-loops THE SECOND im not kept sufficiently busy and stimulated by tv/music/my bf/being out of the house somewhere/etc. so much of my life is wasted wanting to be good, that i dont get a chance to actually live the life of a good person
i really hope this post resonates with someone. ive only met a few other people who have this particular kind of ocd, and its extremely isolating. but i want to try to heal from it, and i know the first step to healing is talking about it
#have you ever noticed how i'll add addendums in the tags of my posts where i'll clarify EXACTLY what the post was about?#i do that bc of my obsession that some1 will screenshot something i say out of context and make me look horrible#this is not just a Go Outside problem btw. i know a lot of the examples i gave were internet related#but ive had ocd since i was a child. the other half of my symptoms are health related#like obsessions about emetophobia. or food being contaminated or making me sick. or other physical illness#ppl assume ocd is just washing your hands and not wanting to be touched. naur. i wash my hands a normal amount and i love being touched#so i didnt believe i could have ocd for a long time cuz i didnt fit the stereotype. even though it was incredibly obvious and debilitating#amygdalae#ocd#actually ocd
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God I need friends…
#personal shit#vent in tags#heart-break blues#been wanting to message my ableist ex all day#it has suddenly turned into wanting to message the woman from cohost who kept threatening suicide whenever she’d talk to me#she’d find other people to talk to when she was okay#she’d suddenly reach out again and it was always to say goodbye#i had to stop adding her back when she unfriended me because I can’t keep doing that#she said she had a huge crush on me but like how do you treat someone like this if you like them that much#and even if it hadn’t been such a mess she lives on another continent and i need people to hang out with in person#not to mention i feel terrible for feeling like my partner isn’t enough but I’ve literally been dumped for being so dependent on my partner#while lonely because of my disability keeping me trapped at home before soooooooooo#luckily i don’t feel too guilty. i think. i am obsessing enough to post but im not in tears#just another thing to add to the pile of reasons I might have ocd
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if you’re bored and you’re struggling and you’re looking for something that might explain a little of it. please look up what a pda profile of autism is. please look up nervous system activation and what levelling behaviour is and why it’s a possibility but it could be what your eating disorder is. just trust me on this one, even if it isn’t you you’ll still learn something. you’ll learn something that can be a little help for yourself. trust me on this I promise we can get through this together
#one of the researchers on this I follow likes to say a telling sign is a teen who’s been dx with ‘everything under the sun’#so idk. idk if I need to specify the certain cluster of symptoms I’m thinking of bc it’s pretty broad and reminds me of. a lot of you fr#please also reach out to me but also look it up on your own bc I also happen to be sleepy and struggling but I DO want to talk abt it#neurodivergence#personal mental health tag#don’t know if I should put this in tags of different dx’s or nah tell me if it’s a hit and I should change the tags#ed mention#pda profile#fuck it I’m tagging#bpd#borderpolar#ocd#autism#adhd#personally I have like?? some of these things. not all rn. but I’ve also in some ways been very very lucky. and that also still wasn’t enou#so no one be a cop I guess but talk to me if I’m ever overstepping#also if anyone reads this and thinks I’m specifically referring to them. I don’t do that. this is a general observation
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ok ik i dont talk abt rq discourse on here ever (because i really hate it a lot) but like. man. i really worry abt some of the people in the community. esp after coming across transharmful cause like. reading the definition i cant help but think like. thats a symptom of morality ocd. like obvs not tryna armchair diagnose or w/e but like. feeling like youre a worse person or should be a worse person than you are is. thats moral scrupulosity! and i just feel like a lot of these transharmful labels are just giving validity to those obsessions. like. ok overshare but i have ocd and i get really fucked up and violent intrusive thoughts. and i can see a younger version of myself latching onto transharmful as a way of explaining them. but that would make the obsessions worse. bc i would be associating myself with those violent urges as though they’re indicative of me as a person.
anyway thats a kind of long and maybe incomprehensible ramble but i just. it really gets me
#thats part of why i dont talk abt rq stuff on here#cause i dont wanna like. push people further into that community#bc. part of how communities like that pull you in is by saying#‘no one except us will accept you’#and intense vitriol from people like me (anti radqueer)#can push people further in#ESPECIALLY with ocd-like symptoms. but i wanted to put my 2 cents in#cause it really bothers me#ask to tag
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I will not start a project with denim when I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not start a project with denim with I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not start a project with denim when I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not-
#repetitive text;#manic posting;#i remembered in hs when i'd spend my manic nights writing somg lyrics in sharpie on my arms and legs and jeans#and then had the idea to stitch/embroider lyrics into said jeans bc i was PRETTY sure i still had them bc they were ny favorite and#idr them wearing out. but APPARENTLY not. i looked everywhere short of digging out the closet i've wanted to for a month#but that's got years worth of chewy boxes broken down amd stacked in front of it bc i am a disaster#(i mean to recycle them. that never happened. at this point i'll just put them in thw dumpster. when i get around to getting them out of#the corner and down the stairs#i took my meds at least (not the tegretol. i don't want to intentionally kill my first proper manic episode in /so/ long)#BUT i was then thinking about canabilizing old jeans to create the cut i loved about the old ones (but half what i loved was texture)#and then embroidering that#but my last manic project with denim left my fingers so fuckin bloody#bc manic me can and will not use a sewing machine and thimbles get in my way#and that was. back in 2013-2015. wish i still had that. never wore it bc course not.#i also don't have the manic project of the L (death note) inspired Lolita skirt#think theu both stayed in NC#man i left all the good shit in NC#but yeah like. to say nothing of the fact that ostensibly the roommate will be home and wanting to sleep at some point#and manic me and headphones are fucking rivals#manic me has a lot of beefs#it's almost like (and this might shock you) i'm manic!#(i promise i'm trying to go to bed at this point)#(it's bed or cleaning my room or denim project and i would like SOME sleep if i'm gonna do either)#(to say nothing of i need to do 3 expert roulettes in XIV and can you imagine that shit after literally not sleep?)#(mania will NOT save my ass from micronapping)#personal;#i'm so sorry for anyone actually reading all these posts and tags#but! if you are! welcome to my oversharing corner <3#also i am still planning on helping a friend clean and assmeble a chair tomorrow#which! mania is good for! i can clean! i love cleaning when manic! (my OCD ramps up when manic)
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why... why am i just not good enough anymore? For the past few years, none of my art has won. For the past few years, I haven't had any friends. For the past few years, no one will actually give me an actual official diagnosis on a mental/physical problems. Is every facet of me not good enough? Am i just not good enough?
#unityrain.txt#i just... i don't understand#all the art i've submitted to things that didn't win... they weren't even bad things! i was really proud of them!#but i didnt win the art festival. i didn't win the nengajō competition (either level). i didn't even get in the top three of the jotun loki#design contest、which only had like 14 submissions.#given my streak i highly doubt i'll win the sonatina composition contest i entered either#with friends、i have none.#i used to have someone i was really really close with、but they left. And even though i've tried desperatly to make other friends、#no one seems interested#i do have some friendly acquaintances#but they don't seem to want anything more than that#i don't even fit in with my own family either#i'm very very lonely#with diagnosis、#my therapist (when i had one) said i definitely had anxiety depression and ocd、but that she couldn't actually diagnose me#also the general doctor i went to seemed to accept it and even offered medication that they don't usually give ppl my age#but if you actually look in my medical record it says nothing#and then i've had awful menstrual problems、and thought i probably had endometriosis、but when i went to the gynocologist#they said it wasn't that、but they didn't really seem to want to give me an actual specific diagnosis of whatever else it was either#they just said it was bad dysmenorrhea (medical term for cramps)、gave me a medication prescription、and then didn't put any diagnosis on my#record.#i just... why#vent#tw vent#vent in tags
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I think representation in characters is so funny bc some people are like "I'm [rep] and that is the WORST rep I've ever seen" and some people are like "I'm [rep] and this rep is so important to me this is exactly my experience"
and by funny I mean no character is going to match every single person's experience simultaneously. Someone might criticize a character for being a stereotype and someone else might recognize themselves in that portrayal. And vice versa, etc, and so on and on forth.
#literally i hate what the show Monk does to Monk - sets the audience up to laugh at him#but i LOVE Monk#first character with OCD i've ever seen and he made my life easier just by existing#i love him#absolutely hate watching the later seasons of the show though bc they don't even pretend anymore#that the show isn't about shoving him into situations that distress him#and it's not framed as upsetting. it's framed as comical. look at how ~weird~ his OCD is. our main autistic character with OCD.#like bruh you MADE that character.#anyways i did not vote for Monk in a poll#and i thought it was interesting bc i saw a tag about not liking him#(hi myth 💕)#but i DO like him#don't like his writers though :( they deliberately try to make him ~cringey~ for neurotypical people and it's like okay thanks#i still like him.#he is not exactly my experience#no i WISH i had a helper my life would be sooo much better off i really do need a helper#watching it and finding one solution for an issue i had was like - i don't even care how ableist this show is. this show helped me.#a real life person.#like you can say what you want about bad rep not being better than no rep but i thought it was good rep since it HELPED me.#HE was good rep. the show was bad at framing it bc they wanted you to laugh at him. hope that makes sense.#anyways.#Monk ily. sorry i never kept watching bc i couldn't bear to see anymore of the situations they were putting you in.#i could not reblog the poll with my Monk tags without letting this go. I know I voted for Dirk but I do love Monk but I hate his writers
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If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.
#• luna lavinchi speaking •#living with cptsd#cptsd vent#complex ptsd#diet culture trauma#monsters inside me#toxic health culture#ex vegitarian/vegan#emotional flashbacks#health documentaries#dark side of veganism#i should have never been forced to watch these as a child..my mind wasn't ready to understand the information nor tell what was real or not#-i cant try sushi or even think about fish without feeling physically sick and dizzy. i haven't had McDonald's since i was like 6ish years-#-old..i never wanted to share this information but i need to vent. I feel embarrassed and rude for not liking a food chain that most of the#-population does. Smelling or seeing McDonald's makes me wanna puke so bad because of everything those documentaries would say.#I will never be able to eat McDonald's in my life because of how sick and terrified i feel when thinking about the food even the drinks-#-scare the shit out of me. I'm so pissed that I'm triggered. All of the sudden i smell something in the house that smells like McDonald's-#-then the memories come flooding back and i feel like puking so back so i cant even eat dinner. i know this may seem stupid but i am-#-genuinly scared. Im tired of this shit and tired of feeling alone in this.#(anyway sorry. if you read my vent then i appreciate you)#tw food talk#tw diet culture#tw vent in tags#(dont even get me started on parasites cause thats a whole fucking trauma itself. damn it i hate it all. i hate it so much)#(also note: my therapist made me feel so validated weeks ago when i told her during my session that i was traumatized by monsters inside me-#-she literally knew the name of the show before i could even say its name. and she said she also cant watch it and that she saw it as an-#-adult who doesn't have ocd. so she told me she can't even imagine how terrified i was to watch it as a child who was developing ocd.-#-therapist W)
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at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/
#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it#bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things#and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance#that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross#but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that#they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable#but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about#which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies#and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get#i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety#sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time#i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them#but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this#i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice#ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF#LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM#like maybe YOU live in a bad area#but you're just a really loud minority#anyway. yeah. just. oof.#still feeling some kind of anxiety about it#win rambles
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Perverse intrusive thoughts manifesting themselves in dreams is the actual worst.
#Especially with the timing of this one#Brain… have some fucking respect for the dead#ugh ugh ugh#[throws up]#The worst thing is I’m so used to them that I barely feel disgusted anymore#I’m not sure if I can properly tag this as OCD anymore because I’ve kind of kicked the worst of it with incidental exposure therapy#and straight up ignoring everything until it went away like a petulant child’s attention-seeking behavior#At one time this would have distressed me about one hundred times more than it is right now#Like if I still do have it: it’s more in the form of “just right” in which I talk to myself in the mirror#and constantly correct my sentence structure and say the same things over and over again so it comes out “normal sounding”#but that could just be scripting too??? so idk#I mean talking to myself in the mirror is pretty disruptive when I need to go to sleep (the mirror is across from my bed)#or generally do things#but it’s kind of a fun activity#The activity itself does not cause me distress and it’s pretty useful sometimes#I use what I’ve said to myself in the mirror in real conversation; my speech is smoother and less choppy as a result#Because if I don’t plan what I want to say; I get so hung up on certain details that I fuck up the chronological order of events#This way I have an outline if anyone mentions certain subjects#Plus I can vent and be ugly (uglier than I am on here) and no one gets hurt#I also vent on here because I don’t have a captive audience; people can choose not to read it#It’s impersonal#It’s my thoughts and feelings with my presence removed from the situation so no one is locked into conversation#vent post
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good morning gamers, today's song of the day is SENSITIVE by MOTHICA
yaevinncore tbh (thank u nox 💛💛💛)
i am Very tired i've been building my PC and i'm so Brain Broken wah
#; the citrus speaks#; citrus jams#i'm so scared it's just not gonna turn on#i followed the instructions the best that i could#no static electricity issues or anything!!#but idk my ocd brain (like literally. in a literal sense) is like#if you don't check [component] and [component] the whole thing is going to blow up#i keep saying it's hyperbolic but my brain is literally like 'it's gonna catch fire'#but the mobo isn't touching the back of the case so i should be okay @_@#god help me#; lemon's inane ramblings#TUMBLR IF I WANTED THE SPOTIFY TAG I WOULD ADD THE FUCKING SPOTIFY TAG :)
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ive just accepted im just never going to fit cleanly into any label or community ever
#blaire.txt#vent incoming sorry ik this is probably really annoying#and im also sorry if this comes off insensitive or ''i have it SO hard'' i dont mean to be like that#but just. no matter how my identity rolls out i always feel like an imposter in some way#when i ided as a lesbian i already knew i was nonbinary and despite my yearning to experience it; i never knew and will never experience#being a lesbian and a binary woman. and ofc when i ided as a nonbinary lesbian was during that whole bullshit ''nonbinary people cant be#lesbians'' debate that resurfaced so that didnt fucking help#but im not a lesbian im bi so that was easy i guess. or easier#not being binary or very knowledgeable on queer history (tbh i want to change this im not proud of that) and having not participated in#many pride events and queer spaces irl (due to uh. yunno. Covid lol)#has like really made me feel like an imposter that just doesnt fit in anywhere#and now coming to terms with me being transmasc and having a strong attraction towards men and nonbinary folks has really uh. shaken things#up#and not fully in a good way bc its left me scrambling to put together the pieces#its left me in sooooooooooooo much distress i feel like so sick over it#its. not fun. esp bc im still pre-op so very girlish in appearance and voice eugh#and on top of that im also still nonbinary and do feel more neutral/androgynous some days and also consider myself gnc bc i like feminine#clothes and stuff so like. AUGH! and im also fucking 5'1-2 so no matter if i bind or get top surgery or etc i dont think ill ever pass as#not a girl so . pain!#and even saying all that makes me feel guilty bc its like. is that just internalized misogyny? am i misogynistic for feeling this way? and#IK IN MY RATIONAL MIND THATS BULLSHIT AND THIS IS *ONLY* ABT ME NOT OTHER TRANSMASCS AND NBLMS/MLMS TO BE CLEAR#im just an anxious mess with ocd and anxiety in general that just loooooooooooves latching onto bullshit like this to prove im predatory or#weird. also other ocd themes dont fucking help?#idk ill shut up now i need to be on a call but just like. its painful bc i dont feel like i fit into any queer communities lol#this also applies to disability stuff but im NOT cracking that can of worms open today sorry#ok gopdbye for now . responses are ok btw but also no pressure im kinda just emptying my head lol#vent#rant#ask to tag
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i know this post is supposed to be about how awful and serious the war in palestine is. and how deeply violence like that can affect people, even from so far away. i really, really don’t want to diminish the importance of that message or trivialize the horrible things going on there.
but i used to be like this once. about everything. and i don’t want other people to have to be like this.
i would go on the internet and i would read about horrible things happening to other people, in america and in other countries far away. and whenever i was alone i would think of one of those horrible things. i knew that i had to think about those things sometimes, it’s important to be aware of all of these things happening to people, especially when you are so lucky that none of it is happening to you.
but the thoughts just don’t go away all on their own. you have to tell yourself to stop thinking.
trust me. if you stop thinking about it it won’t make you forget about it. telling yourself to stop thinking doesn’t mean you’re caring about it less. it’s just that right now there’s nothing you can do about all those awful things. thinking about them won’t make them any better. it will just make you feel painful inside forever.
don’t worry, when it’s important to start thinking about those things again, all those feelings will start flooding back. and you will be able to do what you need to do to make them better. even if that’s just listening to what someone else is saying.
i wake up thirsty and i think of palestine. i go to the doctor’s office and i think of palestine. a sign in the corner of the waiting room says ‘this is a place of healing, disruptive behavior will not be tolerated’ and i think of palestine. they probably weren’t thinking of bombs and snipers and mass graves in parking lots. i call my parents and i think of palestine. i drive to the grocery store and i think of palestine. i look at the clear blue sky and i think of palestine. i put the dishes away and i think of palestine. i feed my cat and i think of palestine. i listen to music and i think of palestine. i read poetry and i think of palestine. i text my friends and i think of palestine. i think of palestine and i think of palestine and i think of palestine
#i don’t know what to tag this#its about palestine sort of#but if i tag it palestine an actual palestinian could read it and i don’t want to burden them with a stupid personal rant#because they already have a lot to deal with#its also about ocd#sort of#but i feel like this might resonate with a lot of people even if they don’t have that#aaaaugh#i am so sorry#i took this post and i made it all about me#but i still think this was important of me to say
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“You shouldn’t self-ID as ADHD/autistic, you’re turning a very real mental condition into a trend” Ok then stop saying delulu. Stop speculating on which cluster C personality disorder the criminals you hear about on the news have. Stop saying “schizoposting” and “acoustic” and “is it restarted?” Stop using “psycopath” and “sociopath” as catch-all ways of calling someone a bad person. Stop saying “the intrusive thoughts won” when you bleach your hair and then turn your nose up at people who suffer from very real, very scary urges of physical/sexual violence. Stop saying “I’m so OCD” as a way of calling yourself neat. Stop treating BPD/ASPD/Bipolar as inherently abusive. Stop saying “OP I am living in your walls” without tagging for unreality. Stop diagnosing complete strangers you’ve never met on r/AITA with NPD.
You first. If you don’t want our disabilities to be treated like trends then stop belittling and minimising them. I’ll NEVER judge a person for trying find labels for their symptoms when an apathetic, racist, sexist, ableist healthcare system refuses to. But I will absolutely judge a hypocrite. Which a lot of you are
#the venn diagrom of anti-self ID people and people who go around yelling about ‘spotting narcissists’ on reddit is a circle#sorry this has bugged me for a while#ableism
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Shout out to the house who didn't question me when I was really weird about dinner utensils and other little things today
#im not saying it is this but im having like a really heavy sort of ocd feeling day#and i told them the spoon i used to serve the food wasnt a good one but/and if they wanted to change it#to pls let me get my food first and they both tried to and then they waited til i got my food and changed it#and there was something else i had an issue with that had to be done a certain way and they just let it be#theyve both in separate moments today been around me having some issues and i appreciate that they just let me do what i needed#can not explain it but just so many things today just really needed to be just so and i was struggling with it all today#i got caught up in a really frustrating loop of like 'i have done this thing so therefore i need to do this one next' and i just kept#repeating it because i kept like restarting part of it so i needed to go through it rip#i was so picky about what i cooked in and with#dont mind me#tag rambles
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