#i say this like i want it to be an ocd tag

[spyroz]

i dont reblog those posts about how hard it is to have moralizing ocd in online spaces, even though i deeply resonate with them. ironically, i can only talk to 2 people about my ocd, because one of my obsessions is that other people will assume im using my mental health as a shield against criticism if i talk about it. therefore, if i talk about my ocd in any circumstance, my brain believes that i'm already doing something immoral

basically, most of my obsessions resolve around people assuming bad faith of me or that i'm somehow secretly an irredeemably bad person, no matter how hard i try to be good. i am a bad person if i dont reblog posts about serious topics, spend every waking moment thinking about extremely serious topics, or make any social mistakes whatsoever (which is scary because i'm also autistic). i believe that i am irredeemable if i make a small mistake, and i often think all my friends are waiting for me to make a mistake so that they can attack me, and that my life will be ruined if i fuck up. im constantly scanning all my interests (and people i know) for the tiniest imperfections (far beyond healthy amounts of criticism in your interests) out of fear that liking anything or anyone makes me a horrible person. if you dont take a side on this lgbt label discourse, then youre a bigot! im ALWAYS mentally preparing responses and apologies to totally theoretical situations of people being upset with me. i have intrusive thoughts about doing the immoral things that scare me most.

the problem is, *talking about* any of these thoughts invites people who will actually bad faith me. "if youre so worried about this stuff, then you must have something to hide! you just want to avoid accountability!" they make your obsession a reality by accusing you of the exact thing you fear most. none of these thoughts are reasonable or realistic, and i know that. i know that i'm mentally ill. i know logically that i'm as good a person as anyone else. when i actually do make a mistake, i stay level-headed and apologize, acknowledge what i did wrong, and change my behavior

but there is a large part of me that does not want to heal from my ocd, because i believe constant self-monitoring and self-critique is the only thing preventing me from becoming a horrible person

there is nothing i want more in this world than to be a good altruistic human being who is capable of growth, but spending weeks trapped in thought loops analyzing all my behaviors for the smallest signs of a mistake will not help me be a better person. it makes me a worse friend. it drains my energy so that i dont have the mental capacity to actually spend time being kind to others. i reread this post many times while writing it to make sure i didnt accidentally write 6 different slurs. but i can't figure out how to heal. what the fuck do i do about this

this is incredibly hard for me to write about. i'm fighting the urge to delete this post as you read it. i cant stress how debilitating this is for me, it is the biggest hurdle in my life and it sucks away days worth of my time and energy. i will become trapped in thought-loops THE SECOND im not kept sufficiently busy and stimulated by tv/music/my bf/being out of the house somewhere/etc. so much of my life is wasted wanting to be good, that i dont get a chance to actually live the life of a good person

i really hope this post resonates with someone. ive only met a few other people who have this particular kind of ocd, and its extremely isolating. but i want to try to heal from it, and i know the first step to healing is talking about it

[mathsbian]

God I need friends…

[tanicus-caesareth]

guarana drama, damage control

[faithfromanewperspective]

if you’re bored and you’re struggling and you’re looking for something that might explain a little of it. please look up what a pda profile of autism is. please look up nervous system activation and what levelling behaviour is and why it’s a possibility but it could be what your eating disorder is. just trust me on this one, even if it isn’t you you’ll still learn something. you’ll learn something that can be a little help for yourself. trust me on this I promise we can get through this together

[losergendered]

ok ik i dont talk abt rq discourse on here ever (because i really hate it a lot) but like. man. i really worry abt some of the people in the community. esp after coming across transharmful cause like. reading the definition i cant help but think like. thats a symptom of morality ocd. like obvs not tryna armchair diagnose or w/e but like. feeling like youre a worse person or should be a worse person than you are is. thats moral scrupulosity! and i just feel like a lot of these transharmful labels are just giving validity to those obsessions. like. ok overshare but i have ocd and i get really fucked up and violent intrusive thoughts. and i can see a younger version of myself latching onto transharmful as a way of explaining them. but that would make the obsessions worse. bc i would be associating myself with those violent urges as though they’re indicative of me as a person.

anyway thats a kind of long and maybe incomprehensible ramble but i just. it really gets me

[lesenbyan]

I will not start a project with denim when I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not start a project with denim with I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not start a project with denim when I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not-

[unityrain24]

why... why am i just not good enough anymore? For the past few years, none of my art has won. For the past few years, I haven't had any friends. For the past few years, no one will actually give me an actual official diagnosis on a mental/physical problems. Is every facet of me not good enough? Am i just not good enough?

[biromantic-nerd]

I think representation in characters is so funny bc some people are like "I'm [rep] and that is the WORST rep I've ever seen" and some people are like "I'm [rep] and this rep is so important to me this is exactly my experience"

and by funny I mean no character is going to match every single person's experience simultaneously. Someone might criticize a character for being a stereotype and someone else might recognize themselves in that portrayal. And vice versa, etc, and so on and on forth.

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.

[sureuncertainty]

at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Perverse intrusive thoughts manifesting themselves in dreams is the actual worst.

[citriarchive]

good morning gamers, today's song of the day is SENSITIVE by MOTHICA

yaevinncore tbh (thank u nox 💛💛💛)

i am Very tired i've been building my PC and i'm so Brain Broken wah

[medicasino]

ive just accepted im just never going to fit cleanly into any label or community ever

[outer-spec]

i know this post is supposed to be about how awful and serious the war in palestine is. and how deeply violence like that can affect people, even from so far away. i really, really don’t want to diminish the importance of that message or trivialize the horrible things going on there.

but i used to be like this once. about everything. and i don’t want other people to have to be like this.

i would go on the internet and i would read about horrible things happening to other people, in america and in other countries far away. and whenever i was alone i would think of one of those horrible things. i knew that i had to think about those things sometimes, it’s important to be aware of all of these things happening to people, especially when you are so lucky that none of it is happening to you.

but the thoughts just don’t go away all on their own. you have to tell yourself to stop thinking.

trust me. if you stop thinking about it it won’t make you forget about it. telling yourself to stop thinking doesn’t mean you’re caring about it less. it’s just that right now there’s nothing you can do about all those awful things. thinking about them won’t make them any better. it will just make you feel painful inside forever.

don’t worry, when it’s important to start thinking about those things again, all those feelings will start flooding back. and you will be able to do what you need to do to make them better. even if that’s just listening to what someone else is saying.

i wake up thirsty and i think of palestine. i go to the doctor’s office and i think of palestine. a sign in the corner of the waiting room says ‘this is a place of healing, disruptive behavior will not be tolerated’ and i think of palestine. they probably weren’t thinking of bombs and snipers and mass graves in parking lots. i call my parents and i think of palestine. i drive to the grocery store and i think of palestine. i look at the clear blue sky and i think of palestine. i put the dishes away and i think of palestine. i feed my cat and i think of palestine. i listen to music and i think of palestine. i read poetry and i think of palestine. i text my friends and i think of palestine. i think of palestine and i think of palestine and i think of palestine

[skipppppy]

“You shouldn’t self-ID as ADHD/autistic, you’re turning a very real mental condition into a trend” Ok then stop saying delulu. Stop speculating on which cluster C personality disorder the criminals you hear about on the news have. Stop saying “schizoposting” and “acoustic” and “is it restarted?” Stop using “psycopath” and “sociopath” as catch-all ways of calling someone a bad person. Stop saying “the intrusive thoughts won” when you bleach your hair and then turn your nose up at people who suffer from very real, very scary urges of physical/sexual violence. Stop saying “I’m so OCD” as a way of calling yourself neat. Stop treating BPD/ASPD/Bipolar as inherently abusive. Stop saying “OP I am living in your walls” without tagging for unreality. Stop diagnosing complete strangers you’ve never met on r/AITA with NPD.

You first. If you don’t want our disabilities to be treated like trends then stop belittling and minimising them. I’ll NEVER judge a person for trying find labels for their symptoms when an apathetic, racist, sexist, ableist healthcare system refuses to. But I will absolutely judge a hypocrite. Which a lot of you are

[kawaiianimeredhead]

Shout out to the house who didn't question me when I was really weird about dinner utensils and other little things today