#i say this because 1. ive been to a lot of therapy 2. im a survivor 3. i know this works

[powderflower]

It’s very important to reframe your thinking in your healing process.

Every time I see someone refer to the perpetrator of a crime as “their abuser” it upsets me. You do not need to reaffirm that attachment. You don’t have to keep that connection.

Every time I see someone call another person “a victim” it pisses me off. They’re not a victim, they’re a survivor.

Reframing your thinking and attitude is vital to the healing process.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIII THABK U FOR THE TRIVIA AND ASHE SONG before i take forever 2 answer those or forget here is a blank ticket to please please talk about prime defenders and their AWFUL emotional literacy and processing skills i would literally love to read that essay so much ive also been thinking about it incessantly. big eyes staring up at u.png. ok ok peace out GOODNIGHT !!!! <33

i lied actually im not going to bed im judt thinking about this ans listening to St. John on a loop now. hello catkiss.gif i forgot how youve filled me with so much joy. that cat is so fuckign cute

anyway. hi :) prime defenders huh. this is gonna be less of an essay and more of a sleepy ramble but ohhh i have so many thoughts. they all process things so differently and none of them are good at it they all need therapy so bad. ms.g where is the hero therapy why didnt you build that into w.a.t.c.h ma'am

vyncent is probably the best at actually processing things out of all of them, he just internalizes everything to the point where he wont talk about it unless hes pushed past the breaking point. vyncent is actually very.. emotionally intelligent? i want to say mature but that feels like im singling him out because hes the oldest. i just feel like because he grew up on Fauna and had to be in basically survival mode in a world full of monsters trying to kill you.. that makes a person grow up quicker than they should. i think vyncent had a good childhood and for the most part his parents took good care of him but just.. living in that world doesnt seem like it leaves room for a whole lot of expressing emotions. vyncent is good at quick analysis of a situation, but unless a problem directly interferes with the current goal he doesnt externalize it to everyone else. but bottling up his feelings and emotions just builds up pressure over time until something like the lich makes him blow up and let it all out at once, usually in a dramatic monologue format bc condi is really good at those god damn it. also they played off the fact that vyncent said all of that to the lich and then missed his attack as a funny thing but i like to think of it as. he got too overwhelmed w his emotions and lashed out too soon it made his fighting messy. vyncent is so angry and honestly after what hes been through he deserves to be !!!!

william wisp. my boy. god hes just like me fr so much so that it physically hurts sometimes. anyway. i always think back to the scene where theyre all in the cabin talking about themselves/sharing backstories and william keeps desperately trying not to talk about himself. the fact that hes so ashamed of his powers he hides wisp form every time. two of his powers are LITERALLY a) turning invisible and b) turning intangible, usually as an excuse to leave whatever situation hes in ("accidentally" falling through the floor at opportune moments in season 1) . theres. a thing that happens at the end of episode 13/beginning of epidode 14 that youre really close to and i wont spoil yet but god it has to do with this so extremely much please come back to my inbox when you get there. youll know what it is trust me. um. yeah. so anyway. i think a lot of this comes from a place of. he doesnt want anyone to be scared of him. williams not stupid hes incredibly smart and insightful he knows his powers are objectively SCARY. hes scared of himself constantly, he doesnt want anyone else to feel that way about him, so he shifts focus whenever those aspects of himself are brought up because if someone were to think about it for any amount of time theyd realize the truth that hes scary and dangerous to be around (<< william logic. hey remember how one of the reasons he originally left deadwood was because the monsters there were attracted to the wisps and therefore Him so he left to keep his friends/family out of danger)

i think a lot about williams death and the immediate aftermath, i dont know how much you actually know and how much of this comes later but . how does he go home after waking up from that. his parents know about his powers, so they MUST know what happened. what do you think he told them when he god home muddy and dirty and broken and probably bloody after being missing for. god knows how long. how does he look his mother in the eyes and tell her her little boy is dead. but hes also not because hes standing right in front of her. how the fuck do you think he felt the first time he went into wisp form and saw his body laying there !!! of course he wouldnt want to talk about that!!!! youre gonna have to pry william wisps emotions from his cold dead hands !!!!!!!

dakota's response to the ashe situation was to run away in the woods and do nothing but train for 10 months. he didnt think about it for 10 months. i dont even have a whole lot to say about dakota other than like. stunned silence whenever his inability to process trauma is brought up because grizzly does such an incredible job at being like "you ask dakota how hes doing and his face is just blank" << paraphrased actual quote from an episode i cannot remember which one. either 11 or 12 ?

also because im thinking about him im including ashe in this. we didnt get to see a whole lot of his canon reactions to extreme emotional situations so a lot of this is just coming from My Mind but ashe seems like hed be the type to repress a lot of his emotions too. being alone in your house/in your room for extended periods of time will do that to a guy. i think he feels a lot of things and will probably very openly cry/scream/get angry when hes alone but as soon as he knows another person is there he can immediately flip the switch to turn it all off like nothing happened. very much a deadpan "im fine." if someone asks how hes doing, even if hes got like. the remainder of tear tracks down his face. cannot physically express his emotions in the presence of someone else

[kairithemang0]

I love your characterisation of Curt and Owen and I need more spies are forever content to feed my brain and you post a lot about it :)

honestly hearing this makes me really happy

im always so worried i get curtwen wrong, that the people who say the saf tag is all wrong are specifically talking about me. i want to say i don't care, but i really do honestly.

saf has basically become my life, so much that it hurts. i adore it to no end, it brings me so much joy, and curtwen is my comfort ship. i put them in these little situations and see them the way that i do because they just make me happy and writing them the way i do makes me feel better about myself. so when people say someone is wrong about them it feels. idk like a personal attack. it's not, it shouldn't be. i don't even know if they're talking about me im just assuming they are because the people who do say it's wrong are the people who 1. don't follow me and 2. ignore me. one of the people that instantly come to mind on this unfollowed me and that shouldn't bother me at all but honestly it does bcs idk i thought we were mildly friendly???

sorry im rambling. i hate being wrong and im definitely wrong about curtwen sometimes, but sometimes it just feels like to some people everything i say is wrong and so i should be blocked and ignored because im worthless

i need therapy i think (or idk. i need more therapy. wow ive been in therapy for almost a decade look at me go)

[clonehigh-takes]

sorry gotta send another fandom take

after reading a post on someone’s blog, i truly realized how insane tophabe is. first of all, everyone used to hate abe’s guts in 2020 for the whole cleo and joan thing back in season 1, which was justified. now the 2023 fandom has snapped around and loves abe, which i can see since season 2 is less focused on abe’s selfishness and denseness and instead decides to torture him so the viewers feel bad. this really makes me wonder how many people hated abe during season 1 and now love him in season 2. personally i didnt really hate season 1 abe (i still think the joan and cleo thing was shitty) but i do like abe more after season 2. i think its mostly because of the abe torture and partly because since all the hate is off abe, its finally cool to make and say positive stuff about him

moving onto topher, im not surprised hes popular. even i like him quite a bit (not as much as a lot of other characters though). chronically online short white boy who claims to be straight, his only friend is a boy who he manipulates and blackmails while claiming he has a crush on a girl, said crush having no evidence to prove it unless you squint, and canonically goes to therapy. yeah hes basically van gogh 2.0 where everyone projects onto him and gives him angst that just barely feels in line with the show. i dont hate topher but god damn the fandom really loves him. i made a whole post saying why i think hes so popular but long story short it was most likely because he had gained a fanbase while the show was dropping episodes weekly, and by the time episode 8 came along mostly everyone was too far deep to drop out of liking topher. part of me feels like this may have also happened to abe in season 1 if everyone didnt binge it instead of watching it weekly lmao

and then there’s tophabe itself. tons of fanart and fanfiction, definitely the most popular ship in the fandom atm, even more so than the canon lesbian couple from what ive seen. ive read a bit of tophabe fanfiction since its basically all thats on ao3 at this time, and i find it so interesting that a lot of it have the events of chapter 8 happen. those events have been the most despicable things topher has done, possibly the worst of anyone in the whole show. and many people tend to brush it off, use it as a way to show topher’s supposed crush on abe. what topher did is messed up, and people barely even acknowledge it. whats unfortunate is i can see why, even i dont normally think about how awful topher actually is whenever i think about him. the show itself basically brushed it off in episode 10, something i feel like they definitely shouldnt have done. the oversaturation of tophabe in the fandom also definitely helped wave off topher’s actions

sorry this kinda turned into a rant about topher, so i wont go any further with that. but i find it extremely interesting to see how the fandom has changed from 2020. gone from hating abe for being an indecisive teenager to using topher’s blackmailing attempt as a plot device in their tophabe fanfiction. absolutely astonishing.

okay what in the fucking bible did you just shit into my inbox

[cherrylimon]

hey everyone, its caden :) im really sorry for the unannounced hiatus

i should probably explain uh

1. i left because of lots of things. mainly irl events (family problems, finally getting into therapy, issues with my dad, etc) but also because pressure from online events aswell.

2. will i ever come back? im not sure. i wont be deleting my blog or anything, but i probably won't be online for a while, maybe even forever.

im really sorry about everything. i love you guys :) ill probably check tumblr dms every once in a while if your interested in talking to me sometimes but. yeah. thats all i wanted to say :)

and yes, ill be fine. ive been doing alot better mentally and physically, but im gonna miss you all alot. goodbye? <33

[tamrielf]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

[smoov-criminal]

Hey, I just found your blog and saw your post about OCD. I was wondering if you could talk some more about it 'cause I went through it when I was little, untreated and with no support, and I rarely do see anyone talk about what OCD is like internally. Those intrusive thoughts do come back every once in a while and scare the crap out of me. Thank you

hi! sorry i didnt answer sooner i literally never check my inbox lmao.

im definitely not the most educated person on OCD on tumblr, but im happy to share some things ive learned/thought about since my diagnosis.

1. i learned that my mom has OCD around the same time i did, which makes a lot of sense. i seem to have been the only one in my immediate family who knew she'd been dealing with severe anxiety for years, but whatever lmao. i think a large part of my OCD obsessions stem from my mom's. she wasn't aware that her feelings were abnormal, so i guess im not mad at her for that, but i picked up on a lot of it as a kid and have the anxiety i do as an adult. i think this is unfortunately a very common experience: growing up with mentally ill parents who eventually give u the same mental illness thru a combination of genetics and abuse/neglect/bad parenting/parents needing therapy.

2. mental compulsions need to be talked about more. i suspect the reason my OCD went undiagnosed for so long is because my compulsions are almost entirely mental, so no one, including myself, knew what to look for. mental compulsions include: saying/repeating words or phrases, counting words, letters, numbers, or objects, making lists, ruminating on past and potential future situations with "what ifs", trying to figure out the meaning of internal experiences like thoughts and feelings, trying to figure out the meaning of life, and even replacing an obsession with a different image/word. sorry for the long list, but i listed all of these bc i do a whole lot of them, but didnt realize theyre compulsive behaviors until recently. how are people supposed to heal when they dont even know what symptoms they have?

3. if u have intrusive thoughts, particularly ones related to bigotry and pedophilia, i want u to know that u arent those things. your thoughts dont make u a bad person, there is no morality associated with your thoughts. your actions are what determine how good of a person you are.

thats about all i can think of atm, but if you or anyone else has any specific questions feel free to ask!!

[royalbilliards]

i honestly loved the option to have an in-game therapist because 1) he's a fun endearingly awkward little meow meow 2) joker genuinely seems like he.... needs someone like that since all other confidants basically use him as a person to vent to at some point in the social links. and like you say it's fine if you vent to a friend! sometimes you just need to bemoan to a person close to you. but when it's done constantly by either one person or several that's. a lot.

and tbh i never really got the fandom complaints that maruki used joker only as a sounding board for his thesis. having actual therapy session in-game might have been too much, and they wouldn't have given us much on maruki as a character i think? like his ideals passions desires idk. so ofc the social link scenes won't go into details. ive always felt that the actual therapy sesh occured after maruki talked about his thesis with joker to ease him into talking and break the ice. im a pretty anxious person so even if it's just a routine check with a gp im nervous. i imagine a therapy session is even worse skjdksk

No literally!! Maruki was a character they really needed in P5, a generally trustable adult social link that didn’t vent to Joker about his problems, a lot of the adult social links in P5 bothered me a lot because it felt like. A lot to dump on some kid who is already going through a shit time of it (new school, criminal record, literally being kicked out of home for a year to live in a capital city) so I never really did them aside from Sojiro. Maruki treat Joker as both an equal and someone who really did need his help, and the ice breaking of the thesis research is a good way to involve Maruki in the story, give foreshadowing of his palace and royal content, and have a fun guy that you can trust, and I’ll be honest,, Maruki never really asked Joker anything that he couldn’t answer, he simply asked him for his opinion on his thesis research or a thought experiment, and shared that he had similar experiences with Joker to help him feel more comfortable. It’s why the jokes about Joker being Maruki’s therapist always bothered me, Maruki has his problems obviously but he only ever brought them up as common ground between him and Joker, and never asked Joker for help or advice with them.

Therapy appointments are Scary, they’re even scarier as a teenager, as someone who got teenage therapy, I never knew what to say or how to get my point across to my therapist, and Maruki having that before session thought experiment and discussion is a really good way to get Joker more comfortable about his treatment, even if he’s choosing to go to the sessions.

Also I would have done that if I didn’t run around every day trying to guess when Akechi would be free to hang out, less that is said about my confidant ranks with the other PT the better//

[mental-health-advice]

I had a crush on someone last year and it was very strong in the beginning and eventually subsided after a month or two. I also really admired the person platonically and wanted to be their friend/get to know them better as well, so it wasn't entirely a romantic thing. Anyway, when I pulled myself together I did say goodbye to them and everything (we're at university so I won't see them again because of the year ending etc) and had asked them if they wanted to hang out (1)

(2) It was a message, so they responded to my goodbye and everything, but not the hanging out part, so i got the gist that they werent interested. I feel guilty tho bcs I think about them here and there still, some times more than others, and honestly sometimes check if they're online. Idk, maybe it makes me feel connected. I feel like i'm invading some kind of boundaries/privacy and it makes me so uncomfortable. I dont want to do that. but why are they still on my mind almost a year later?

(3) why cant i just move on? I dont get why im like this. I wish I could just forget them and move on, but ive always been sensitive to rejection. It did hurt, but i'm not in the same place right now and I just wish I could get rid of them from my memory and move on.

Hey there,

It can be so difficult when we become friends with someone regardless if it is a friendship or something more and then having to part with them for some reason, whether it is in or out of our control.

I know that you mentioned that you sent this person a message saying goodbye but asking if they still wanted to hang out now and again but when they replied saying goodbye, maybe they were in a rush and didn’t fully read the message and consequently not taking it all in and it not fully registering in their mind of what you were asking? Or perhaps they got confused with you saying your goodbye but then asking if they still wanted to hang out with you? Whatever the reason though (and you only have to do this if you feel comfortable doing so) but maybe send a follow up message to them asking if they wanted to hang out and do something with you like getting a coffee or something like that?

In regards to not being able to get them off your mind and always thinking of them, this is completely normal. For example, I recently lost contact with a really good friend of mine (their decision not mine) and I still can’t get them off my mind and it’s been over a year now. I also often see on messenger if they have been online or not. I don’t feel it’s an invasion of privacy though but more of just curiosity if that makes sense?

Another example, slightly different was many years ago when I decided to change therapists. The therapist I stopped seeing though was still constantly on my mind with many questions going around and around in my head. Things like:

Does she hate me

Did I end things right

Does she think of me too

Why didn’t I just suck it up and keep seeing her (I am also quite sensitive when it comes to relationships ending or being rejected by another)

I was very lucky in the above situation though as I was able to reconnect with her for a one off therapy session to allow me to get some closure and just talk about how things ended and why and just an update on how I have been going since that therapeutic relationship ended. This helped a me a lot and she is no longer on my mind like she was.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even if this person doesn’t want to see you or hang out, is there a way that you can get closure from the relationship you had with them? Perhaps you could ask if you could see them to say a proper goodbye face-to-face or even do something memorable for them as a way of saying goodbye in your own personal/ special way by yourself?

There is nothing wrong to have them on your mind still but I do understand the frustration with this and the wanting to just lose ‘those memories’ in a way so you can continue your life without any obstacles if that makes sense?   

This is where closure can be really helpful but again not always possible like (yes another example sorry) but my last therapist died suddenly from cancer and although I saw her and said goodbye I still think of her often and sometimes every day. I write letters to her sometimes and this seems to help at times but I also feel like remembering her is a healthy thing for me as she was a positive aspect of my life.

So, is there a possibility where you could write a letter to this person (it doesn’t need to be sent) just expressing how you feel, what the relationship meant to you, and that even though you may have had some really great times together, you want to just move on now and get on with your life. This may or may not be helpful but maybe worth giving it a go as sometimes when we get things out of our head and onto paper it can really help.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[beazt]

im kinda facing a shitty situation with Medicaid. my Medicaid plan (determined by what town i live in + my mental/behavioral health diagnoses, I don’t have control over choice) transitioned to offering me managed care, which means I essentially have a local care manager that helps me get my needs met and can be a sounding board for stuff.

unfortunately for me, my care manager is through the one local office of therapists, so they insist I do my therapy through them. which. isn’t inherently the problem but this office is absolutely awful and their treatment modality sucks

I got assessed + immediately diagnosed with multiple conditions (including a personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and substance disorder, all marked severe) and my treatment plan suggests I have multiple ongoing formats of care (crisis services, group therapy, individual therapy, peer counseling, and medication management) with everything except med management and crisis meant to be weekly

and yet…. they put me in a DBT group that meets for one hour every week. and they will not offer me any individual services until I prove my commitment to going to group. and I do want to go to group. but.

1- the group is hybrid format, I am expected to join via zoom from home. I have not been able to attend 2 out of the 3 times i was supposed to because I cannot reliably guarantee the privacy to meet confidentiality standards, much less feel open enough to express anything to get use out of group. mom gets work cancelled last minute for weather and insists on staying on the other side of the wall from where I sit in my room, which also happens to mean she sits in a very central location in our small house.

2- the only time I was able to attend the group was the week before thanksgiving when I didn’t even know I was supposed to be in group that day (no one told me I had been placed in group or anything) and randomly got sent a zoom link 45 min before group started, I joined, no one introduced me or welcomed me or even really acknowledged me, and when it was my turn in check-in the therapist told me what feeling she said I looked like I was feeling and moved on. that was the only opportunity I was given to speak for all of group. it made me fear for weeks I wasn’t meant to be in the group and spiral about shit. she didn’t do this to other people in group

but I have to attend several groups in a row without missing any to prove my commitment before I can even ask for individual therapy, which isn’t something they do a lot of, so I may not get any.

but since I don’t have an individual therapist, and cant reliably make it to group, I cant express any of my barriers to making it to group or even lightly dive into anything about me that cant be generalized to group experiences. and I can’t bring up anything in a care setting that im uncomfortable with sharing to group members. or bring up experiences that would be controversial (gender stuff, for example) or triggering to other members. and that’s if I get a chance to attend and speak in group at all

it feels awful in several ways, one of which being that it just feels like im not worthy of personalized/individualized care or my experiences being heard. point blank period. that if saying an emotion im feeling and going through a meditative exercise with a few other people once per week doesn’t rapidly help me it’s a skill issue. that im not worthy of resources to help me live a happier and less painful life. that im too broken for treatment. which both are huge fears ive had from traumatic experiences in past treatment

[lakesbian]

and wildbow definitely doesn't even think sy is being transphobic. so it's effectively just the thing with lillian. wildbow just is not cut out for in depth thoughtful world building wrt LGBT people.

ive been thinking idly about this recently (alongside many other things about jessie) due to my current twigfic writing fixation (wretched fixation to have but im having fun) and if anyone wants to hear my rambles about how id handle it. well i have a lot

i think it would be plausible for the general mainstream mindset within academy circles to be part "the power of Advanced Science can even transmute men into women and women into men, sex is dead" & part reminiscent of medicalized/academic transphobia. like, it being viewed by many as kind of a niche mental condition--theres no respect for any "natural order" that deems sex or gender to be innate, so 'treatment' in the form of complete physical and social transition isn't unheard of, and the first notable people of higher status to undergo it probably got a bit of special treatment as a scientific novelty. but there's ultimately still social downsides in having [insert twig term for 'gender dysphoria disorder' here], esp for trans women because of the whole social dynamics there. so the ultimate goal for people in academic spheres who have the means is to transition efficiently/nonpublicly and then pass as cis as soon as humanly possible.

which like. in terms of how that impacts jessie i think lillians response to her comes from viewing jessie (and jamie 1) as a Good Boy in contrast to sy being sy, and viewed jessies kind treatment of her & general nonthreatening tendencies/approachable nature as like. Proof that there are men who don't suck, something that comforts her as a girl dating sy and dealing with misogyny in the academy. so when jessie transitions she feels betrayed and robbed of something that was giving her a kind of hope and she spits out that "but you were such a lovely boy :(." if i were handling the arc over this i think she would pretty quickly feel really guilty, especially in response to jessie being like "no. you're not kidnapping us right now. you burst into my bedroom at 3 in the morning, you broke my window, and you've insulted who i am. get out." like i think she ends up having to have a really miserable conversation where jessie mercifully allows her a Reset, Take 2, and she asks her dumbass cis woman questions about jessies Feelings and comes to terms with it and ultimately manages to understand her/want to re-befriend her properly

oh and i think duncan is like. I think if you asked Duncan in a void what he thinks about people with [twig version of gender dysphoria disorder] he would confidently give some insane fucked up response about how conversion therapy is awesome and the obvious solution. but then the second he's actually in a room with jessie watching lillian fuck up so bad he ends up immediately empathizing with her as a person/seeing her as yet another girl he doesn't want to offend and being cordial/decent if awkward. ignorant and too unfamiliar with trans people to see them as like real people and not hypothetical case studies but then when he actually meets her and processes her as a person who's happier this way his biggest sin is the occasional sexist microaggression.

helen i think is thrilled because yay women. mary doesn't gaf she's just like ok sure can i shoot sylvester now. ashton is really polite and super chill about it he doesn't say anything for like 30 minutes because everyone is having an incredibly tense conversation about a variety of things and then when he finally speaks up he's just like. excuse me, jessie. i would like to say that your outfit looks very pretty. in the politest voice known to man and jessie is like thanks ashton:) it's good to see you again. and helen is pinching his cheeks during this entire thing.

as for non-academic circles. i actually don't see mauer giving a fuck. like he's running a revolution he's been through unfathomable horrors, straight up he does not have time to give a fuck if one of the little murder assassin children-now-teens that have apparently started their own rebel group and want to coordinate with him despite previously trying to arson murder him. has transed her gender. like i don't know if he would find it bizarre or distasteful or be totally chill with it but i can't see him letting whatever he's thinking internally stop him from referring to her as she wishes externally and dealing with them without particular care or interest in how jamie is jessie now.

and i think there's definitely lots of back alley surgeons that can do all sorts of SRS procedures as a matter of course. if someone wants something done to their body there's a market for it. there's nuances to how much you can trust the medical care based on area and the person doing it, but it's definitely An Option. you know how twig shows both lower tech areas that are sort of behind/dragging their feet on catching up to what they see as fucked up societal changes, And areas where crazy body mods like drake/emily and brunos and everything are super common and normal? i think the normalcy and ease of transition physically and socially ranges from "worth moving out of town for" in the most conservative areas to "completely accepted as scarcely more than another type of mod" in the more modern ones. esp if you're running in younger crowds. i think nonbinary people can totally have fun in twig. if you move to the right place "my transition goals are Tentacled Beast" is a feasible statement to fulfil.

ultimately i don't think jessie would run into too much transphobia in the wild...i think she doesn't go as far physically as many trans people, but she also never had a testosterone-based puberty because she never had testes, and trans people aren't in the public consciousness enough in most places for people to think "that's a Transgender Person...." instead of just "thats a lanky woman with a kind of weird voice. anyway." i don't think much of anyone outside the lambs and the employees who knew her before transition are even aware she's trans

One thing that I think is strange about Twig is how non-transphobic people are. Like aside from Sy's shit and that one mishap with Lilian, everyone's just like seemingly okay with Jessie. Even apparently Mauer, who was a pastor in the 1920s. Like you're sure that this is the early 20th century?

[stedebonnit]

The fact that you would rather have Stede and Ed suffer than be happy together, so much so that you construct an elaborate head canon where STEDE IN PARTICULAR SUFFERS makes you a fucking asshole.

Aksjdhdhs this is so funny to me.

First of all, i dont owe you a response, i want to clarify that you reaching out anonymously to tell me this in this way rather than opening a conversation with me says more about you than me.

But as my first ever anon hate, I want to use this as a teachable moment because this is a big moment that i got anon hate for the first time LOL.

So once, and only once, I will address this.

Personally, I am a therapist in training. My life and career is built on helping people because I love people and see the best in the world as a whole.

Personally, I cannot watch dramas because watching people in (unresolved) pain has a significant impact on my mood.

To add to that, I cannot read or watch things with an unhappy ending, with very few exceptions.

For that reason, i LOVE hurt/comfort. Through my career & my personal life i have witnessed a lot of pain and suffering, and it makes me sad, but its a fact of life. So what I do is i write the pain and suffering that I see, that Ive felt, that i sometimes still feel, and i make it into content that ends happily, with love, support, self advocacy and understanding. I like to have characters comfort one another, but I like to emphasize personal growth. That is, i LOVE when characters can begin to rely on themselves through the process of pain and suffering, rather than only relying on a love interest.

I wonder which of my many posts made you reach out for this comment, because l, of all of the headcanons and writing ive posted within the past two weeks, i believe one (maybe two?) Posts have not ended happily and with relief, acknowledgement, & comfort. So no, enjoying the relief from pain is not something that makes me an asshole. Even if i didnt enjoy happy endings, many people find comfort in those stories because it helps them remember that, even when things end unhappily, there is ALWAYS something to enjoy along the way. You cannot know a person by the content they create, not unless that content frames the abuser or the person causing pain as a protagonist, that MAY suggest something else, but we can never know for certain.

Now, to address why its always Stede.

Ill be honest with you, i have never related to a character more than i have related to Stede.

He is flawed, blunt, oblivious, but hes also kind, empathetic, and someone who sees the best in everyone. When i describe Stede, i describe him as me before I spent years working on myself in therapy, and before i became a therapist myself.

So why do i hurt him so often?

Well, if Im honest, its because I think of the ways ive been hurt, and on top of that i think of the ways i caused MYSELF hurt because i was so blinded by trauma and self hatred that I didnt see it - i didnt see that i was increasing my own hurt, i didnt see that i was hurting others.

I was lucky to have a therapist point this out. The way my self hatred hurt others, the ways it was self-sabotoging.

Stede will see it one day, and I like to create scenarios where he does. I like to explore how this impacts him, often using the lense of how it hurt me.

When i wrote my april fools post about stede, it was after a revelation in my friends DMs about how my own traumatic experience with bullying did, and still does impact my perception of vulnerability.

Importantly, i like to end it with comfort, because i like to remind myself, and others who relate so deeply to stede, that there is hope. We can feel this desperately lonely, this deeply traumatized, and we can come out the other end. We can be deserving of comfort and warmth, we can be self-compassionate. Moreover, that self compassion will make us kinder.

Being kind to myself has made me kinder. I hope some day it can do that for you, anon.

Oh, and my ideal season 2 is an episode 1 reunion. Me coming up with ideas that happen to be angsty doesnt mean i want that. Hence the "eating my own face" at the top of the post LMAO

I hope this helped you understand me a little better, and if Im incredibly lucky, youll think twice before sending something like this to someone else. But i wont hold my breath.

Enjoy the knowledge that you were my first anon hate, and anyone reading this, please remember that this will be the last time i address one of these 🥰

[saitolover]

🐱 jumin’s route thoughts!

note that it’s been a few days since ive completed these endings / dlc so my memory might be a bit shaky of the entirety of them. i have some screenshots to go off of but that’s it lol. these are just some of my random thoughts and such that i have about jumin’s route when coming back after many years into the game again.

the reason i originally chose specifically to do jumin’s was because 1. i only have time for one route due to college, & 2. i remembered that he and zen were my favs back then. originally i was going to also write about the bad ending 2 & dlc but i lazy! lmao.

tldr; this is just my personal thoughts as i went through jumin’s route, feel free to add / comment anything. ^_^ i talk a lot about his character/past/actions, kinda like an analysis but not really since i am a dumbass & might be incorrect about some things. but in conclusion, jumin is very Complex character and can have some 🚩 tbh but he is very much still my little scrumgus i love jumin So Much. <3 he needs some tlc, a big hug, and also therapy. past me had great taste.

long thoughts under the cut! spoilers ahead for jumin’s route & slight spoilers for his bad ending/dlc.

📱COMMON ROUTE

just wanted to say, it was extremely nostalgic to open up the game again after many years! i first started playing in 2016 (!!) but probably played again during quarantine in 2020ish (cannot remember). i came back in honestly not knowing ANYTHING about what would happen in jumin’s route. my memories are extremely shaky abt the game other than the main plot points involving v, rika, seven, & saeran. but my knowledge still was kinda low lol.

v’s birthday art is super pretty btw!! loved the homescreen image of it. the max speed feature is very nice, i probably should buy it since it’s only $3 but oh well. maybe if im really into the game? anyways, chatting in the messenger again is so weird lol it’s such a throwback and i definitely missed these guys’ shenanigans. literally zen complimenting himself so much was hilarious for some reason?? 😭 yoosung being a relatable college student, me feeling so bad for jaehee <3 girl does not deserve to be overworked like this all the time ?!?! and jaehee also complimenting zen’s looks as well as being his biggest fan LMAO. seven doing seven things (do not need to explain further). and jumin being the more serious and cold guy who also loves his cat and doing whatever he wanted sometimes. and saying random shit HAHA. which is sometimes a personality i would like in otome games (See: Saito). so im here like hm, i think i see why past me liked jumin! he probably warmed up to the mc and got really cute and romantic or something? and not at the way everyone kept on saying jumin might be “androgynous” LIKE you guys. do you mean aromantic or ???

📱 JUMIN’S MAIN ROUTE

okay first of all: sorry in advance if theres some random gaps between what im writing/events im talking about. idk i only have some screenshots to work off of and what i remember with my bad memory? but moving on, here’s my thoughts as i went on with jumin’s route.

okay, so glam choi and sarah are a thing in the story now. jumin is just annoyed - seems like he’s only encountered women who try to take advantage of him / only try to speak with him as if theyre wanting to get something in return, like money, as i believe the story framed? and how he was genuinely sad about his father trying to make him get into a marriage, especially because he was one of the only ones who had treated him with “love” in a way where he wasnt having a relationship where an exchange or reward would always be expected. his past with his mother (which i will might talk about more eventually) also shows how jumin has been raised to be more methodical and just. like a robot honestly, raised with no love and any time to express his emotions after being so… emotionless? he was never really taught that feeling, and ig it could be difficult to “teach” if he’s never really experienced much love or time to find times where he could be happy, sad, etc. etc. when he’s at home all the time surrounded with expectations and studies to prepare to become a ceo. okay kinda went off and mentioned the dlc anyways, but whatever. there’s a lot more to jumin’s character, which makes him complex imo and although i dont think i’ll be able to cover everything, just wanted to say that there’s been a lot going on for him, but it still cant completely excuse his actions at times!

and please note this is just my opinion on a fictional character, i would be glad to hear any thoughts anyone reading this has <3 this is a little personal analysis/thought post and there could (and could be a high chance) that i am wrong about some things! :] so take what i say with a grain of salt bc tbh im writing this all in one try and probably wont reread what i have, mainly a big fat ramble / word dump here!

i remember lowkey being confused about how fast mc & jumin’s relationship escalated at first bc it went from yeah just casually chatting in the casual route to everyone saying that mc has been the one causing jumin to smile more, to speak out more openly about his actual emotions for once, etc. but im not complaining, i still loved how jumin would say he would call mc just to hear their voice, saying it would calm him down and feel better. and other stuff along those lines. also why is his deep voice so hot.

biggest and greatest shoutout to jaehee being the best employee ever??? like, she’s been working overtime ALL THE TIME, doing extra work for jumin like researching about the scandals, having to reschedule things after jumin acts unreasonable 💀 while trying to keep everything in order. she deserves a raise, a promotion, a break, a vacation. like, i am picking every option that is defending her or telling her to take a break or that she’s doing great!!! i love jaehee and i hate to see how she never gets rest or food :[ not healthy, i was SO GLAD that she was able to finally get a vacay at the end of jumin’s route, but now im like, girl deserves to quit honestly if she was constantly treated like that at work 😭 which im glad it what happened in her route, which also makes me want to play her route next but i have no time. and now i will shut up and continue writing.

okay, so i remember i was kinda loving jumin again at this point lol. i remember just liking how he became more romantic & the times where he would be jealous. a lot of the phone calls he had were also great, and it was cute that he made pancakes for breakfast, & how he read a bedtime story like. pretty cute stuff!

LMAO and then i was like hm the red flags are kinda showing! but i am a bull and i love chasing red flags! jumin wanting mc to only look at him - you got it sir. possessive jumin! the kiss scene was surprising - honestly very unexpected bc he just kissed mc so randomly ??? at least he said that he was originally thinking of asking mc for permission or something like that? but yeah soap opera scene that i was like hm. then he was like “you can suck in all my emotions. you can be mine.” and i was like. oh. elizabeth’s disappearance is REALLY gonna make a difference here, huh. for the first time, jumin realized that he never really had someone like mc before? jk, he had rika and v with him back then where he was also open to them, but i feel like the biggest thing was how vulnerable jumin was atm? like, he’s in this fight with his father, who he had always been close to. rika and v are both not around to consult with. elizabeth had gone missing. he was beginning to refuse to listen to rta members and instead begin to protect who he had left, similar to the way he had described how he felt better after seeing elizabeth in a cage as opposed to when she was walking freely. he definitely needs to speak to a therapist himself. but without support from others, it probably was what he saw as one of the only solutions he can turn to? this was the first time he’s started to really open up and speak about his feelings bc he’s always just. never had a chance to be able to express them or be able to explain them ?! never really was taught these things, though it seems like he was also aware that it wasn’t right. lots of things going on showing that yeah, he definitely was not doing okay emotionally in the first place, pretty much!

this is kinda getting long now?? and im a bit lazy to continue writing so much more, so ill stop rambling too much and cover more. the way jumin was getting extremely possessive too was worrying like 🫢🚩 he really said we have everything in this penthouse! stay here forever and ill protect you from the outside world and its dangers! let me own you! and i was like sure, take me away when i did the bad ending. sorry for indulging ? BUT DAMN it was very unsettling to see him say that he would OWN mc like ??? ayo what!

and then all the rfa members were like ah. hopefully jumin is having a Very Healthy And Normal relationship as they speak in the chat room. while jumin and mc enjoy a nice dinner with jumin speaking about how great it would be for mc to stay home and try on all the things he had for her while never returning to the apartment! day 2 with jumin on his home - any way out? who knows! zen rlly was like. GET MC OUT OF THERE.

everything that happened in jumin’s route was just ESCALATING 📈📈📈 okok but from my screenshots, it begins to show how jumin is like. Yeah. i am pretty Bad and Dark for doing this and having all these thoughts that he doesn’t really know how to address ? emotions that he’s never had before coming out like hello! and he’s like, wtf do i do with you guys? he’s having a hard time out here. very open to mc who is, atm, the only one who could help him sort out his emotions & depending on the choices you choose, could really determine what jumin ends up doing with his emotions and how much he can control them? and like, mc can either feed into a more healthy relationship where jumin begins to feel like he does deserve love and that these feelings might stem from how little he felt in the past. or mc could feed into a much harmful/toxic relationship as seen in the bad ending. !!! very interesting huh. also shows how much jumin has begun to depend on mc after everything that happened in these last like. two days.

now im like 💀 this is the most ive ever written for a review so far yet, i literally just dumped out some random thoughts i had on 4 hours of sleep, and i should def be sleeping rn!! but it’s okay!! sorry if i wrote anything that doesn’t make sense in these last paragraphs ??? i wont cover the seven and yoosung at mint eye hq to save time/space.

on a more light hearted note: yay!!! jaehee finally gets her vacation!!! jaehee gets justice!!! also watching zen and jumin bicker in the chat room is honestly one of the most hilarious things in this game. jumin in the chat room with mc plus another member usually ends up with the member becoming a third wheel and also very annoyed when jumin and mc are like i miss you <3 you’re so cute <3 ily <3 and every single rfa member is absolutely begging them to just privately message each other at this point lmao. AND NOT @ JUMIN HAVING THE WHOLE MARRIAGE THEME GOING ON HIS RFA ACCOUNT???! 😭😭😭 but i would happily marry jumin. so yeah at this point it was pretty much guaranteed i was getting the good ending, didnt get the bad ending during the route so we are here with jumin being very romantic in the chat room! 🫢

💙 JUMIN’S GOOD ENDING

homestretch! we made it to day 11 of the party!! the new home screen again is sooo cute. i didn't know they changed it up when it's party day! also looking at everyone, realized that jumin is So Cute. i love his looks. just a very handsome guy. love him for that. i am going to make this extremely short because i am now tired of doing all of this analysis and deep thinking. i want to make funnies of jumin and my headcannons of him now. scrumgus. i don't even know if that's the right word i'm thinking of but the energy scrumgus gives describes my love for jumin yay! it was nice seeing the rfa meet mc for the first time in person, and it was also great that the entire party was voiced! it felt weird hearing them talk tbh its like. i only know their voices from their little emojis. and the occasional phone calls. okay but that is getting off track. loved how dramatic jumin was for this party. he invited glam choi and sarah, and had this Great Big Speech that sarah was totally in love with, and instead it ended up being about mc. lmaooo. i cannot remember but was jumin the one who chose mc's dress? or am i just remembering wrong? idk. i also need to read the after ending (after forgetting that it existed for a second!)

🐱 FINAL CONCLUSION

wow. jumin's route was definitely a very big and twisty roller coaster. i wish i had completed the common routes before replaying jumin's route again just to be able to see and compare how emotionally open jumin was in his route compared to in other routes? like, we get a glimpse of just your everyday business jumin in the common route, but idk. i just wish i got screentime(?) of everyone in general too!

i love jumin a lot. after living his life filled with these expectations of being a ceo. being the perfect employee (which i also found interesting to hear about how everyone had admired/looked up to him at work. he's definitely skilled at what he does, and he barely mentions anything about that himself!) and then the way he began to actually open up? love that for him.

i love jumin a lot actually. and it was pretty nice for me to look over and think about everything after completing his route in general. even though my memory is garbage (tbh had to heavily rely on the screenshots i took), i liked being able to take the time to kinda add in my thoughts on everything while i typed this all out. literally did not do any thinking at all. i have no brain or patience for that and i rarely write this big ass essays or whatever this ended up becoming??? nice change. idk if i'll ever do this again, not my style and i had to force myself to finish this. also am Nervous of posting this T_T. but yeah! i love jumin. i am a jumin stan. and again, if anyone would like to correct me or add on to anything that i have written here, that would be very cool with me! review that got pretty rushed in the end is finally done hooray!

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

It annoys me when people complain about Julian and call him “whiny “. The person that John hurt the most throughout his whole life is his own son! I feel like this gets glossed over because he was more attentive to Sean “At least he was a good father to one of his children”. John failed Julian massively. Having Sean should’ve motivated him to try harder with Julian but I feel like it demotivated him because he realised how much of Julian’s life he missed and that made him feel bad about himself. Even in May’s book she says that John would’ve avoided Julian for the rest of his life to avoid feeling bad about himself & the choices he made with his life. And even when he got his visa he was happy to fly to other countries but not the country containing his son! I mean c’mon that’s very shitty and inexcusable. People can’t relate to John’s callous treatment of Julian so it’s downplayed and undermined by the excuse of “Oh well, John was better with Sean”. I know John appeared more motivated towards the end but doesn’t absolve him of the damage and pain he already caused to his son.

I try to understand John’s neglect of Julian from his perspective - I don’t want to excuse or justify it, but I still want to know what was going through his head to make him treat Julian the way he did - but I just can’t really understand it in the same way I feel like I can empathise with a lot of John’s other flaws. Like I feel like I can understand Johns mistreatment of certain people, or his mood swings, or his anger etc. But when it comes to Julian I struggle to understand him, and I just think its such a shame that Julian never got the closure he deserved with John. But I guess a few things to keep in mind when discussing this are:

1. Alfs abandonment

That Johns father, Alfred, abandoned him at such a young age, this might have affected John in such a way that made connecting with children a real challenge. Of course, he ideally still would’ve made an effort to connect with Julian more - but I guess that this was 1963, and he was someone who at this point had had absolutely no therapy. John’s own father I think was placed in an orphanage around the age of 5, so this neglect and abandonment appeared to be a bit of a cycle within the Lennon family-tree. Alf didn’t develop the neurones to be able to connect with his son the way a father ideally should be able to, and therefore John had trouble forming these connections too.

A real tragic story regarding this disconnect is one that ive heard Paul tell a few times (see this interview at 6:24 to hear him tell it). He essentially compares his ability to just naturally connect with children, to John’s inability to do the same; Paul grew up in a household where children and babies alike were around all the time - and in addition to this, there seemed to have been a lot more affection involved in his early environment compared to Johns. So when Paul was able to pal around at ease with Julian, John asked “How do you do that?” - and its unfortunately just not something you can just learn. I think John did want to be able to relate to Julian, and a part of him wanted to be a real dad - but I guess he just lacked the initiative to do so, as well as not having the needed facilities provided for him to be able to function as “good” parent (< or in other words, that man needed alottttttttt of therapy omg—)

2. Aunt Mimi’s coldness

I think by now its sort of been established that im not Mimi’s no. 1 fan - I don’t hate her, and I think she genuinely loved John, but ive been pretty critical of what I perceive her parenting style to be like. One aspect of this parenting style is that I think she was cold and deprecating towards John, which I presume took a toll on his relationships in such a way that made him susceptible to cynicism and even bitter contempt towards those he loved most.

“She never hit him: her worst punishment was to ignore him…When she did, he’d plead, ‘Don’t ‘nore me, Mimi!’” - I think that this type of parenting style could have effected the way John relates to Julian, perhaps making him feel it was okay to abandon him, maybe as a result of some unrecognised childhood angst or revenge.

Theres also a story where I think John said something to Julian a long the lines of, “I hate your laugh!”. Like, Jules was just some four year old living his life and then John, his own father, had this massive fucking mood swing. I feel bad for Julian cause my parents were like this (had random fucking mood swings and said some pretty contemptuous things) so I can empathise with him. At the same time though, I feel like I can understand John getting these mood swings (although, I don’t think that showing that kind of contempt towards a child is at all acceptable, and assuming that this sort of thing was a regular occurrence, I would say he was emotionally abusive towards Julian. Maybe John got these mood swings from Mimi (check this post for more on that).

3. Yoko’s influence and isolation

I think we first have to take into account here that John had a history of neglecting and failing Julian, and from what im aware of, he only started making contact with him again during his ‘Lost Weekend’ after being encouraged to do so by May Pang. So I don’t think we can make Yoko take all the blame for Johns neglect of Julian (and certainly not his emotional abuse towards Julian). But I think we have to also account for the fact that Julian has stated Yoko would refuse to put him through when he would ring his dad. And I just don’t know how much John had to do with that - as in, I don’t if John knew Yoko was isolating him to the extent that she did, or if he was unaware that she was rejecting several important and significant figures in his life.

For what its worth, Julia Baird wrote in her memoir of John urging (or really, begging) her to go to Cynthias house and ask Julian to phone him, because he hadn’t been able to get through to Julian, and he was trying to construct a better relationship with him around this time (this was before Sean was born, like you said, he seemed to lose motivation with Julian after Sean was born). I don’t know why Julian wasn’t taking his calls around this time - John seemed to think it had something to do with Cynthia, perhaps it was an autonomous decision made by Julian, perhaps it was entirely just a misunderstanding; I don’t know.

When it comes to Yoko, im conflicted - to some extent, I think John was being manipulated by her, and she was clearly isolating (even abusing) him - but also, he’s a grown man, and so he had to take the initiative for his own life. So I don’t know, but id say she is still partly responsible for spoiling Johns relationship with Julian.

~ ~ ~

At the end of the day, all I can really say is that John was just a classic case of parents needing therapy before they start, y’know, parenting - but it was 1963, and thats just not something most people underwent back then, especially people with more complex and unrecognised traumas, as well as mental illnesses that, whilst prevalent, may not have been so apparent. To clarify that point, I think John could function well-enough in his day to day life to be able to get by, because I don’t think his traits of mental illness tended to disrupt his life to such a degree that he could not function (at least not in 1963, though in later years, id argue more so they did; but even still, I don’t think John tended to struggle with mania or psychosis etc.) But I think he was still dealing with mental illness in a way that wrecked almost all meaningful relationships for him, as well as made feeling love and functioning as an emotionally stable and consistent person, a real hardship and challenge for him. And this inability to feel loved and cared for etc. made being a parent, quite simply, impractical. He needed therapy, and its a shame he died before ever receiving real therapy because it would’ve been interesting to see how John might have come to terms with really acknowledging his failures as a parent, and because Julian might have gotten some real closure with his dad.

All in all, I think Phillip Larkin said it best

[zennialemo]

I posted 2,065 times in 2022

That's 976 more posts than 2021!

45 posts created (2%)

2,020 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@killerandhealerqueen

@w00dchips

@evil-moonlight

@scallioncreamcheesebagel

@desultory-suggestions

I tagged 868 of my posts in 2022

#lmao - 41 posts

#beyond evil - 36 posts

#queer - 16 posts

#under the skin - 15 posts

#kpop - 14 posts

#aromantic - 12 posts

#asexual - 12 posts

#bts - 12 posts

#bad buddy - 10 posts

#spotify - 9 posts

Longest Tag: 114 characters

#but this is interesting to me because ive been seeing lots of heavy black and white discourse on concrit lately...

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I opened up a soulmate AU that I started in April for Under the Skin. It was in the same folder as the one I recently posted. Its been two days of reading it and rereading it and wishing it had an end. And now I want to finish it. But it's like insanely large in terms of plot. It's a Soulmate AU with political corruption and murder and secrets. Shits not fluffy... well not for the most part. And im overwhelmed by the scale of it. It needs dedication and time and maybe even an overhaul...

But I love it 🥲. So let's see if I can finish it. If not, whatever (she says, not feeling 'whatever' about it at all). Maybe I can break it up into a series if it's really too much...

10 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

#4

My whole therapized life has been a back and forth of "do they don't they" over whether or not I have BPD or bipolar II.

And I have always been like "nah I don't get manic". Mind you I wasn't thinking hypomanic, I was thinking my aunt when she goes off her meds and thinks she can fly and that people are following her. So I was like "never, never" about mania. But I wasn't considering the times when I write 10,000 words in 24 hours with no sleep and then hyperfixate on plot for the next 5 days, or when I do 1 million tasks in 4 days on 4 hours of sleep and almost no food. I thought those were just good times. That's not to mention the spending. Dear lord the spending. But I never felt... like I could fly. I just felt like I was hot shit. So. I always was like yeah not me *shrug*.

All this said, I definitely *do* fit the criteria of "high functioning" or "quiet" BPD, too. My mood in one day is the picture of instability. I have no sense of self. I fear abandonment, etc. I don't look stereotypical BPD because I internalize everything. I rarely snap or take my feelings out on people, when I split I take it out on myself. Etc. So. "Quiet" BPD fits.

But so does Bipolar II with rapid cycling. I just dropped so bad for 2 weeks I ended up in the ER and then swung up so high I spent more than I should have on clothes and gifts and cards for others, slept very little, and packed an insane amount for my upcoming move despite my disability screaming at me with pain and exhaustion to slow down. I am now starting a mood stabilizer and my mental health team is thinking maybe a dual diagnosis of BPD and Bipolar II. I laughed because all these years of back and forth from my healthcare providers for the current team to look at one another and say "how about both?"

How about both, indeed.

The (constant, but now extra pressing) problem is I have ME, or more colloquially CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), and hypomanic energy and lack of sleep for 4.5 days = super awful hellish PEM. Think of PEM like crashing into a ditch where you can barely leave bed, maybe like me you're in pain and light sensitive and it feels like you've got Mono all over again... anyway. Its really awful. Terrible. Im so drained I can barely talk. Thank the moon and stars I don't have therapy today.

But yall, I'm suffering. PEM so bad my legs are trembling. Time to lay in bed for the next three days and try to rest up... 🥲

11 notes - Posted June 15, 2022

#3

Rewatching Bad Buddy with my sister, who's seeing it for the first time. I'm in my feels y'all. This show was everything. Wholesome and full of feelings and real communication in the face of adversity. My queer heart is full 🥺.

15 notes - Posted September 10, 2022

#2

16 notes - Posted March 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I just watched the first episode of Koisenu Futari, and I’m crying. I’m asexual, and I think I might be somewhere on the aromantic scale too and I had no idea until I watched this and things just.. clicked. I went through and am still living through an extremely painful and difficult breakup where “everything was right” on paper, but I just couldn’t meet him where he was at. And the sentence always ended there but the truth of the matter is, I just couldn’t meet him where he was at...romantically. I never could. It killed me. Kills me. There are other things too, other things about me I’ve been noticing recently and this revelation is like breathing air for the first time in months - maybe there’s nothing wrong with me.  This show made me feel so seen. Seen in ways I didn’t even know I needed to be. And even if it hadn’t made me realize I’m probably arospec, I think it still would have touched me just as much as an ace person, but also just on a humanity level it’s beautiful. I call myself a writer but right now the words kind of escape me. I just feel so validated and seen, and it hurts and it’s wonderful all at the same time. 

17 notes - Posted February 19, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[plounce]

what if gay CATS........... were gay PERSONS

(info on this au under the cut)

theyre all shitty young adults just kind of. getting through their early 20s as best they can. or as much as they can. maybe things will get better someday, but right now they’re kind of spinning their wheels

magic exists but like eh it’s not a big thing don’t worry about it. it’s around but like whatever. not many people have it and it’s mostly just like. a curiosity or a party trick

demeter and bombularina are together, tugger and mistoffelees are together, bombularina and tugger occasionally fwb, it’s cool and aboveboard and it’s all fine

demeter:

bisexual with a preference for women. 24 years old

semi-psychic (not as powerful as tantomile or coricopat). tends to have vague and confusing prophetic dreams

dropped out of grad school for sociology due to trauma and ensuing intensified mental illness. kind of bitter about it, but tries to get through every day. general anxiety disorder even before all that

very nervous around most men she doesn’t know & trust

currently working at a barnes & noble starbucks, which sucks. she recently became the assistant manager, which turbo sucks because now she has more work for only like a buck raise, but at least she’s getting reliable shifts

her go-to therapy is cutting her hair with scissors. her hair is fried to all hell from regular bleaching

she’s learning how to crochet because she’s decided she needs to do something physically productively creative with her hands to distract herself from Stuff

bombalurina:

bisexual. 24 years old

got her bachelor’s in english two years ago and hasn’t found a job in her field and has kind of given up on it for now

she’s been bartending for like four years, does freelance editing work on the side. will occasionally write listicles for clickbait sites if she needs extra cash

literally any extra money she can save goes to tattoos. her right sleeve’s almost done

has natural red hair but dyes it cherry red

a hedonist to cope but is also just a natural hedonist. likes a good bath

i know that like the typical thing fandoms say about female characters is “doesn’t take shit” for the girlboss points but she truly does not take shit anymore. she used to take people’s shit sometimes but at this point in her life she’s tired and she has a girlfriend to be protective of. she has a couple people whose shit she will take (mostly just tugger) but besides them (and having to practice basic customer service to keep her job) she’s tired of other people’s shit! enough!

my personal take on bombalurina is a mix between the riot grrrls of the 90s and 80s punk girls, and then a dash of the greaser chicks from grease. i saw that spiked collar and my brain went OH okay i can run with this somewhere fun. same for demeter, but less so - she just has the piercings.

demelurina:

bombalurina met demeter in college at a women’s activism club, noticed her because of her dimple piercings and was like “oh someone else with a lot of metal in her face, i’ll sit next to her”

they were each other’s first off-campus roommates and were close friends. made out a couple times, but it was mostly a lot of sexual tension. there was a lot of bombalurina staring at demeter while she or demeter made out with someone else

demeter was on and off with her high school boyfriend munkustrap and bombalurina was like “oh he’s so much more stable/calm than me and she needs that, i party a bit too much for her, i shouldn’t try anything” so she just sort of. lets their almost-there peter off

(this is all bombalurina’s internal thoughts - demeter always was interested in her, but thought she was too boring for bombalurina. so neither of them thought they could pursue it)

bombalurina graduated and moved somewhere cheaper further away from campus. they kind of drift apart

munkustrap and demeter peter off and he moves away for a job (they’re still good friends, it was a very amicable breakup) and then demeter gets with macavity, which is a deeply toxic situation for her and sucks hugely and throws her whole life really off track. won’t go into further details

she finally manages to break up with him and calls bombalurina at like 2 am asking if she can pick her up, and also if she can sleep on her couch, it’s okay if that’s not okay, she just. really needs a place she feels safe, and her gut is telling her to. and of course bombalurina says yes

bombalurina also knew macavity and had also made out a couple times with him at like parties and stuff (see: staring at demeter as she makes out with people). something about transference of feelings - bombalurina was into him for a couple moments because he and demeter had a thing.

this is due to me interpreting the song “macavity” as actually about bombalurina wanting to fuck demeter and her singing as a half-repressed expression of that. i use my really good wlw brain to reach that conclusion. it’s kind of a non-competitive version of eve sedgwick’s take on the love triangle. (<-- normal thing to say)

but anyway demeter stays on bombalurina’s couch and she tries so hard to stay on track but eventually she just has to drop out. bombalurina helps her with that too. she’s just really supportive even as demeter’s life is at its lowest point. when she gets home from bartending she gets demeter to go to sleep

she just Stays with her and makes her smile and reminds her that her life isn’t over, there’s still things in her day to enjoy, to keep her trudging forward

bombalurina is roommates with tugger at this point - he also recently dropped out and demeter knows him because he’s munkustrap’s brother, so he’s Trusted and also is like “hey it’s okay that you dropped out, im here and im chilling and you like me and respect me at least a little, and you have a bachelor’s degree at least!” (more on him later)

demeter is like “oh god ive been crashing at their place for so long not paying rent, theyre gonna ask me to leave, im such a freeloader, they wont take my attempts at paying rent” but then bombalurina and tugger are like “hey! the lease is almost up! we found a pretty good 3 bedroom, do you wanna have your own room for real?” and she nearly cries because 1. the RELIEF 2. oh my god you want me around???

cut to bombalurina helping demeter put together an ikea dresser (tugger got banished to the kitchen to make crystal light lemonade for them because he’s useless with a screwdriver) and demeter has two epiphanies:

1. i thought i was ready to d*e four months ago and here i am making a dresser to put clothes into in my new apartment where i live and feel safe and loved. im still not happy but im still alive and im making a dresser

2. holy fuck im back in love with my best friend, and ten times more than i was back then.

so she like kind of freaks out because she’s already imposed so much on bombalurina, how could she impose her FEELINGS on her like this, oh no oh no oh no

meanwhile bombalurina’s back in love with her even MORE and she’s also like no... she’s already dealing with so much... i don’t want to make her uncomfortable or feel unsafe in her own home especially after her recent relationship trauma... i just want her to feel safe around me...

you might think tugger as their roommate would be like “JUST KISS” but he is in fact pretty oblivious because he is self-absorbed. mistoffelees on the other hand..

eventually they do have a big confession of feelings after demeter has a bad day and it’s very dramatic and they make out in the rain. and it’s like. well this is a movie scene. but also im cold and damp. let’s head inside our home and get warm and dry :)

and then they go inside and and talk through everything, all their feelings (not just their romantic feelings but like ALL their feelings) and their shared histories and bombalurina is like “do you think you’re... ready for a relationship right now? like that would be a good thing for you?”

and demeter considers it. she does stop and think. and then she says, “with anyone else... probably not. but it’s you. and i feel so safe around you, and we’re already so close. you make the future feel more worth it. you make more days alive feel not just tolerable, but something to look forward to. and knowing you’ve loved me all this time... it’s nice. it’s good. i’m - i’m understating it so much, it’s more than nice, it’s just - it’s a lot. i wish i had noticed back then.” “hey, hey, don’t blame yourself. i’m the one who never said anything.”

anyway. everything works out, and they start dating for real :)

tugger:

bisexual. 22 years old

dishwasher at the same bar bombalurina works at. she got him the job. he keeps bugging her to teach him bartending tricks and on slow nights she will agree to

he dropped out of their four year, but he managed to secure an associate’s in communications before he dipped

trying to be an ig influencer hotboy and hopefully get modeling jobs from that but his phone’s camera sucks shit so his account isn’t really going anywhere. but he continues to post his low resolution shirtless selfies

trying to cope with being the failure son who does not have a fancy nonprofit job with a salary and healthcare by being self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing

it works about 60% of the time and 60% of the times that it doesn’t he’s able to hide it

he dropped out right around when bombalurina graduated and he was like HEY! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE WHO DOESN’T CARE IF WE LIVE TEN MILES AWAY FROM CAMPUS? WELL HAVE I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU: ME!

to which bombalurina (who has fooled around with him here and there and thinks he is funny little man and genuinely goodhearted, and also he has rockin abs as a plus) says munkustrap already asked me if i need a roommate and if i do to consider you, because you don’t want to move back home. in other words: yes, you little idiot

they do fool around with each other but they are both very understanding that it is strictly platonic and for fun, especially once they become roommates. they both do not desire each other for anything serious

he did have a bit of a crush on each other when they met (hot punk older girl who’s friends with his brother) but 1. it dissipated pretty quick after they fooled around for the first time because it was not a very serious crush 2. she was in the middle of being in love with demeter so she was focused on that, emotionally

he got his ears pierced a couple times in high school but bombalurina inspired him to get a couple more. she went with him when he got his nose pierced

demeter has always understood that him and bombalurina are strictly fwb, has never been an issue.

she and him like to bleach their hair together when their hair schedules line up (he bleaches his way less often then she does), but she refuses to use his fancy conditioner that keeps his hair unfried because it’s expensive, even though he tells her to go ahead and use it, please, the health of her hair is giving HIM anxiety, demeter please. please demeter

mistoffelees:

gay. 20 years old

has magic. it’s pretty good magic but again: magic is not a big deal in this concept

a bit spooky. skulks around. a bit of a bitch but also very very nice. chooses when to speak

he has postings on craigslist and fiverr about finding lost objects and people with magic. like a gig economy private detective

side job is a waiter at a fancy restaurant

sometimes he gets paid VERY well from the private detecting, depending on the client. he does ask his psychic friends (tantomile & coricopat) to give a quick glance over on some of the more suspicious clients just to make sure he isn’t finding someone who should not be found by that person.

doesn’t go to college. is roommates with his sister victoria, who’s a freshman and studying dance. moved into town with her so she wouldn’t have to live in the dorms by having a guaranteed roommate.

tuggoffelees:

the general vibe i want for these two is mistoffelees walking around town or driving around in his shitty toyota camry while tugger tags along because he’s bored and thinks this is cool as shit

the general tone of the au is “magic isn’t a big deal” except for tugger, who thinks mistoffelees’ magic and his magic freelancing is the coolest shit ever. this is mostly because he just likes mistoffelees. “there are people who can do cooler shit than me, tug” “yeah but i don’t KNOW them also theyre not as COOL as you” “you had to explain to me how instagram reels work”

idk how they met i just think tugger shows up at his and bombalurina’s apartment one day (this is when demeter has moved in but they havent moved to the 3br yet) with this dude to dash in and pick something up and bombalurina is like “uh. who’s this” “oh this is mistoffelees he’s SO GOOD AT MAGIC” [mistoffelees nods hello] “okay bye bombalurina see you at work!!!” “uh. later”

after that he just shows up a lot. sort of ambiguous if theyre dating or what for a while before bombalurina straight up asks like “hey does the dude you’re dating know we fool around” “the dude im - what?” “... the little magic guy who keeps using our hot cocoa mix. misty.” “oh. uh. we aren’t dating.” “... do you want to? because you’re kind of all over him constantly” “um. well! haha, if i wanted to, i could! haha!” “yeah get back to me on that”

tugger trying to use his ig clout to get mistoffelees more work even though 1. he has no clout 2. mistoffelees has a very stable client base. but mistoffelees appreciates the effort. the self-promo guy promoing someone other than himself... the highest expression of love...

mistoffelees is A Nonthreatening Man plus he’s pretty obviously gay so demeter is chill around him pretty quickly. when mistoffelees is over they’ll sit on the couch where demeter sleeps and watch documentaries quietly while she crochets

they both occasionally say spooky shit at the same time because magic stuff. bombalurina and tugger are both torn between “that was cool as fuck” and “god that’s unnerving”

just a lot of tugger following mistoffelees around on his jobs and mistoffelees letting him because he’s fond of him and them occasionally getting into minor peril and interesting shenanigans, but it is 90% fetch quests

i think the first time they met tugger was taking selfies in front of a hydrangea in a public park and he saw mistoffelees walk up with a shovel and start digging in one of the flower beds and he thought he was hot so he went over and offered to take over on the shoveling to look strong and masculine and he ended up digging up a skull, which mistoffelees picked up and said “thanks” and then walked away

mildly terrifying but also very interesting and tugger’s days are kind of boring and dishwashing kind of sucks as a job to do like every night and he is a person who thrives on novelty so. moth to a porchlight

i think they do start making out for fun here and there and then a while later theyre out on one of mistoffelees’ jobs and someone asks “who’s the guy with you” and mistoffelees replies “oh that’s my boyfriend, don’t worry about him” and then it’s like. “HUH? I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND?” “uh. yeah? i assumed. is that okay?” “i mean yeah of course i think you’re great! how long have we–” “oh like a while.” “oh. uh. cool!!”

they just hang out a lot. mistoffelees enjoys teasing him and enjoys his warmth and bombasticity and tugger likes watching and helping him solve little mysteries around the county because it’s always something new. they’re kind of a comedy duo. they just enjoy spending their time together and following mistoffelee’s internal magic gps to find lost dogs and lost necklaces

yeah right now this au is just vibes and just sort of. continuing forward with your days and your weeks and your months. just young adults hanging out