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since0202 · 4 years ago

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Chapter 29: Home

After a tearful goodbye with their mothers, Grace and Bella made their way to the ticket counter to check in for their flight.

“Oh, Miss Swan, Miss Alo, you’ve been upgraded to first class and instead of your original flight with two layovers, we were able to accommodate you with a direct flight. Here are your updated tickets and Amy here will show you the way to the VIP Lounge to wait for your flight.” The front desk attendant gave them a warm smile and motioned to the woman beside her.

Bella’s mouth was opening and closing like she meant to say something and Grace’s eyes went wide with excitement.

“Nice!” she exclaimed. “Finally, the perks of having a rich boyfriend are paying off.”

“Grace!” Bella nearly scolded as they followed the aforementioned Amy to the lounge.

“What? Might as well benefit from your line into Richville.”

“You sound like Jake.” Bella laughed taking a seat in the overstuffed chairs as a waiter handed them champagne. “Speaking of which,” she set her champagne down without taking a drink, unlike Grace or delightedly downed the first quarter glass in one swift chug, “Have you spoken to him?”

Grace shook her head aggressively, “Absolutely not.” Her mind wandered back to the last text message he had sent yesterday afternoon after they had returned from lunch on the water.

You can’t avoid me forever.

Oh, how true that was.

Bella rolled her eyes and Grace decided to give her a taste of her own medicine.

“And what about you? Should we start wedding planning the minute we get home then?”

“It was his one condition to have him turn me himself.” Bella shot back. Grace wasn’t expecting that.

“So you’re still on this whole immortal kick then?” Grace crossed her arms after popping a piece of gum into her mouth.

“I was never not on it. I know what I want,” Bella said determined.

“And I want a burrito, but it’s 7 in the morning.” Grace said with a little too much venom. She was starting to sound like Sam. Bella looked away from her, annoyed. Grace decided to call a truce, she wasn’t going to convince Bella not to become a member of the undead in an airport. “Can I at least see the ring?” she said more gently.

Bella looked over at her tentatively, thinking for a moment and then dug into her bag and pulled out an oversized ring box. Grace held her breath knowing it was going to be enormous. But she was pleasantly surprised.

When Bella revealed the ring to her, it was big, but the old fashioned and unique oval shape set with glittering diamonds was breathtaking and fit Bella so well.

“Holy fuck,” Grace said a little too loud. Bella snapped the case shut as they drew a look from an older man reading his newspaper a couple seats down from them. “Sorry, it’s beautiful.”

“Thanks. I still..am a little nervous about all of this,” Bella wrung her hands above her and Grace gave her a soft smile.

“I know. But you love him so…” she trailed off, not sure what else there was to say.

Grace had never thought about marriage growing up. Her parents were incredibly happy loving people and she had the best model for marriage, but throughout her life, she never envisioned herself as married. Now a soft feeling turned over in her stomach where she held onto a new idea that was starting to bloom there. One that she saw blooming in Bella too. It might be nice to call someone yours forever.

Their flight landed early that afternoon and both girls were giddy when they got off of the plane. It was their first time flying first class and they were buzzing off the high of a catered meal and sparkling cider.

As they came out of the terminal to baggage claim, they saw Edward standing there, his face fitted with a perfectly stretched smile when he saw Bella.

Bella actually dropped her backpack and ran toward him and into his arms. Grace picked up her bag and slung it over her free shoulder and trudged toward them. As she approached them, Edward pulled his face out from behind her hair and said:

“I brought you a present.”

“A present?” Grace cocked her head to the side confused as Edward took Bella’s back from Grace’s shoulder.

Rachel Black came strolling from around the baggage claim with their suitcases. Grace’s heart dropped into her stomach. Son of a bitch. Grace inwardly cursed and sucked in a quick breath. Was this Edward’s idea of some kind of a sick joke?

“Hey!” she said, trying to sound cheerful and shoving her hands in her back pockets. Edward saw the look of disappointment cross Grace’s face and suddenly felt like he’d made a mistake. Bella looked at Grace worriedly.

“Hey little Alo,” Rachel said, that same twinkling smile on her face. Seeing Rachel made her feel slightly sick which frustrated her even more. A dumb imprint, that Rachel wasn’t even in control of, was going to make her suddenly dislike a person she’d known almost her whole life? “I got to be honest with you, I’m not here just for me.”

Grace was confused and raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve been sent to take you to see your new home,” Rachel rolled her eyes but let out a little laugh. “Well, I think the exact instructions were to take you to my brother first and then the house second, but tomato, tomato.” She shrugged and Grace found herself fighting a smile. Same old Rachel, warm, but still took no shit.

“I hope that’s alright,” Edward said from the sidelines. “We’ll drop you off at your place.”

Rachel nodded and Grace let out a big sigh holding her arms out at her sides in a wide shrug.

“Why not.”

Edward was able to drive Grace right up to her home since technically it wasn’t on the original treaty line that they had agreed to so many years ago. Tensions between the pack and the Cullens had ebbed slightly since the fight, so Sam was a little more lenient about where they could come on their land.

Grace, however, was completely floored when they pulled up. The old, falling down house had been given a facelift in her absence. A new thatched roof adorned the top of the house and a second level had been installed. A large circular window looked out toward the cove. Where the sagging porch had been a new one was installed that wrapped around the front of sides of the home. Tools were still scattered about and it was still being installed in some areas. They had painted her front door a dark mossy green and when Grace pushed it open, she thought she might faint.

The interior of the home was completely refinished. A small kitchen looked out over her spacious living room that Esme had expertly decorated to match her rustic, simple style. Her bedroom was on the second floor in the large loft that looked out over the cove and the back bedroom was converted into a pseudo indoor greenhouse with a desk and comfy, plush chairs. One wall was dedicated to an entire bookshelf that held an assorted collection of books.

Grace dropped her backpack in the back room and turned to Edward who was standing in her doorway. “This is incredible, thank you so much.” she couldn’t quite catch her breath.

“It’s the least we could do, considering everything you’ve done from my family and Bella.” Edward said softly before nodding and taking his leave. Bella gave her a hug before she left and said “Tell me how it goes with Jake” before joining Edward.

Rachel was sitting in the new living room waiting for Grace. “Sooo, what do you think?”

“It’s incredible,” Grace said plopping down on the soft linen sofa. “It’s too much but it’s incredible.”

“Naaah, you deserve this.” Rachel steadied Grace with a look and she shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. “I wanted to ask you….” here it comes “About the whole Paul thing.”

Grace felt an awful pang in her stomach rise up. No, not now.

“What about Paul?” Grace said nonchalantly and Rachel tilted her head knowingly at her.

“Don’t act like that, I know you.” Grace gave out a huff. “Sam said you two were pretty serious...before I showed up.” Rachel looked at her fingernails now not wanting to meet Grace’s gaze. Grace looked her over carefully trying to see what she was getting at.

“Yeah, we were together, so?”

“Don’t say ‘so’ like that. I’m asking if you’re okay.”

“Rach, what do you want me to say? Yes? Totally fine? Don’t think about him at all at night? Because that’s not the truth.” Grace looked over her shoulder out the open front door toward the cove. She wanted to disappear in this moment.

“I just...I know I screwed everything up, but I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even know.” Rachel looked at her now. Tears were welling up in Grace’s eyes. She felt her phone buzz in her pocket but momentarily ignored it.

“Why are you bringing all this up again? Are you and Paul going out or something?” she looked at Rachel now with a hurt, scornful look. She didn’t want to know the answer but she also couldn’t shy away from it now that Rachel was trying to gauge her reaction.

Rachel didn’t respond for awhile and picked at the skin on the tips of her finger. Grace watched her carefully and then nodded, “Right…” It was clear what Rachel was after now. Grace pulled her phone out of her pocket and looked at her most recent text message.

SMS Text—4:33 p.m.: Jake

Did you make it home okay?

Rach was supposed to bring you by an hour ago.

I need to talk to you.

Grace considered not responding, hightailing it out of there and swimming as far out into the ocean as her body would allow, but she didn’t want to be alone in this new pain that was becoming clear now that Rachel clearly wanted Paul. She typed a hasty reply.

I’m home, at the new place.

Come over.

“Grace?” Rachel said looking at her now with a sad look on her face. “I don’t want you to be unhappy. You know how much you mean to me but I...the imprint makes it hard for me to…”

“Are you asking for my permission or something? Or my blessing?”

“No, I….” she took one look at Grace and switched topics suddenly, “What’s going on with you and my brother?”

Oh, so she wanted to play it like this? Grace was game. She stood up and walked over to her kitchen to pull down a green glass water cup and filled it with cold water from the sink. She took a drink and then turned to look at Rachel.

“Not the same thing that was going on with Paul if that’s what you’re asking.” Rachel winced and Grace immediately felt guilty.

“Grace, I’m….I’m so sorry,” her voice piqued with emotion and Grace felt immediately drawn to her. “I don’t know what to do here. Help me.” her eyes were pleading but Grace couldn’t find the words to make either of them feel better at the moment.

“You should go,” Grace said in a hard voice, Rachel’s face changed to one of disappointment, anger even, “Jake’s coming and if you don’t want to get your head bit off, then it’s best to head off now. So…” Grace trailed off refilling her water and staying away from Rachel.

She got to her feet and nodded, walking out the front door and heading off into the forest. Grace let out a frustrated groan as she wrapped her arm protectively around her stomach where the pain was still pulsing. She definitely didn’t expect Rachel to turn up at the airport and what’s more, she was not prepared to have a conversation about her and Paul dating. Grace knew the imprint was in play but it still hurt to think of Paul moving on so quickly. As she gripped the countertop and tried to hold herself together, a familiar voice echoed across the room as Jake made his way through the open door, shirtless and in his cut off jeans.

“Hey, you okay?” He was in front of her in an instant, his hands cupped under her cheeks and pulling her face up to look at her. Grace felt a calloused thumb move gently across her cheek and she took in a deep breath, letting her arm fall as she stood up straight. She grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands down off of her face in one movement.

“Yeah, fine.” She moved past him to go sit on the porch steps, suddenly needing a dose of fresh air. Jake tensed from the ease at which she pulled away and followed her shortly after.

He lowered himself down next to her on the front steps and watched her face for a second before looking out into the cove. “What did Rachel say?”

“It’s bullshit, Jake,” Grace let it out, “This imprint is the cruelest thing in the world. Because no one gets a choice. Why? Why do that to us when we already have so much to deal with? I don’t….” she choked a little, trying to swallow a sob. “I hope it never happens to me. I want a choice.”

Jake listened patiently and nodded his head, “I hear you.”

“Just...promise me something,” she looked at him seriously now and Jacob trained his eyes on her, even with her face red and puffy, lips parted, and hair flying around her, he thought she was beautiful. He desperately wanted to raise a hand to graze her cheek or pull her into him and kiss the top of her head until he felt her breath even out.

“Anything,” he said seriously.

“Promise me that when it happens to you, you’ll still be the same.” Her eyes were swimming with hurt just thinking about Jake being pulled away from her in any way. But still, she pushed down that ache in hopes of keeping herself whole.

“I promise, Grace. I won’t let you down.” His voice was soft, calm, and reassuring. The tension in her face melted right away when he looked at her like that and Jake knew that whatever she asked him, he would do.

She leaned her body against his, resting her head on his shoulder and he let out a sigh of relief.

“These last four days without you were not my best,” he admitted suddenly.

“What do you mean?” she mumbled, listening intently to the crash and roll of the sea.

“When you left, something in me stopped working. I felt….irritated. Like I was being pulled in a million different directions and I couldn’t sit still. Sam had to send me on rounds by myself a couple of nights because no one could stand to be around me and I don’t blame them.”

“That’s weird,” Grace said distractedly.

“Yeah….weird,” Jake said softly. Grace wrapped her arms around his bicep and scooted into him more.

“Are you hungry?”

Jake let out a laugh, “Always.”

They spent the evening prepping and cooking vegetables and chicken for burritos in Grace’s kitchen. Esme, delightfully, had stocked a part of Grace’s closet with extra men’s t-shirts and jeans for the pack in case they had ever phased nearby or needed something to change into. It was incredibly thoughtful and Grace hugged the black t-shirt to her body before coming down the stairs and tossing it at Jake. He laughed and eagerly put it on, returning to his chopping of the onions while Grace watched a pan of sizzling chicken breasts.

When she came over to supervise she gave out a short laugh.

“No, no Jacob. Diced, we need diced onions.”

“These are diced!” he protested. She pushed in front of him and gently took the knife from his hand to demonstrate.

“Slice this way, and then this way,” He was standing very close behind her and was looking around her. As Grace delicately chopped the onion, Jacob raised two tentative fingers and brushed back a swath of dark black hair that had fallen in front of her face. His fingertips gently brushed the side of her neck as he stroked the hair back behind her shoulder and peered from behind her to take in her work. Grace shivered, goosebumps rising on her neck and she suddenly felt very hot and very aware of his presence.

“Like that, okay?” she said, handing him the knife back. He gave her a mischievous smile and nodded.

“Got it.”

They worked easily together, each reaching around the other for things, making jokes and laughing at something the other said. They opted to eat on the couch, cuddled up under a blanket and flipping on a movie to pass the time as the sun set. Jacob didn’t ask her once about the phone call and Grace was grateful.

Having Jake in the house made her whole body feel warm and in the back of her mind, she started dreading the time when he’d get up and leave. They talked late into the night, Grace laying her legs over Jake’s lap as she reclined on the couch.

She shared how good it was to see her mom, how she wanted her to see this place and know that she really was okay, so that she wouldn’t worry about her future. Jacob listened dutifully, his eyes always patient, kind, and open as she opened up about her fears and her dreams. He absently moved his hand up and down her thigh, pausing only when he was telling a story about his most recent night of rounds to emphatically show how he wanted to strangle Embry for something he said. Grace laughed at this and revelled at the sensation of warmth when he placed his hand back on her thigh. As the night wore on, they each drifted off to sleep peacefully on the couch.

Grace woke some time in the night to see Jake still there, his head leaning back against the couch and snoring softly. She gently picked her legs up off of him and strode to close her front door and turn off the lights. Then she gently leaned over him and placed a hand on his arm.

“Jacob.” she whispered and his eyes slowly opened looking around at the darkened room. “Come on.” she said running her hand down his arm and taking his hand. He yawned and stood as she guided him through the living room and up the stairs to her room. Once in her room, she let go of his hand and strode into her closet to change into some soft pajama shorts and a thin linen tank top. When she returned, Jake was taking off his shirt and folding his jean shorts, setting them on a chair in the corner of her room.

Grace crawled into bed and Jake nestled in beside her. Easily, they meshed into one another, Grace cuddling up into his left side, arm slung over his chest and head on his shoulder. Jacob wrapped an arm down her back and rested his hand on her waist, under her shirt to feel her skin on his. The moonlight filtered in above the bed and they fell back asleep almost instantly.

Grace didn’t know what it meant to have him here beside her just yet but she knew that she didn’t want him to leave. She had never felt so at peace before and decided as she drifted off that whatever awkwardness happened in the morning, she’d take it if it meant she could have this moment with him. She felt him lean over to kiss the top of her head before she let the sound of the waves and the rise and fall of his warm breath pull her into a deep sleep.

#twilight fanfiction #Twilight FanFic #twilight #new moon #eclipse #jacobblackxoc #jacob black #jacobxoc #paul lahote #bella swan #edward cullen #the cullens #The Pack #chapter 29 #a monster lives here

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andsotheuniverseended · 3 years ago

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cephas my beloved

so i don't know if what you meant here was "answer all thirty of the dnd meme questions for cephas" but that is how i'm interpreting it so i'mma go ahead and put it under a cut

(also for those not in the know, Cephas (they/she/him/any pronoun you like) is my stone construct witch. yes those are both homebrew things I found online. i use this witch and just recently updated them to the 3.0 version and i'm very excited about it)

1. if one of their friends was jumping on a bed and asked your character to join them, would they?

Yes, absolutely, of course. The bed would then immediately break because Cephas is a couple tons of solid rock, but that's on their friends for not thinking it through. Or maybe that was the plan. Either way, Cephas is on board.

2. would your character carry around a tiny bath and body works hand sanitizer? if yes, would it have a specific scent?

I mean, Ceph does carry around smelling salts enchanted to smell like whatever would make someone feel better in the moment? Which is kind of the same thing? But anyways the real answer is Probably Not unless it was a gift, because Cephas has no sense of smell and has no need to sanitize.

3. does your character paint their nails? do they wait for them to dry fully afterwards?

Technically he doesn't have nails but Cephas will happily allow themselves to be painted over any part of their body, and will stay completely still until it's dry. I know because the party his done this to them before.

4. if you cut open your character’s heart and there was something inside, what would it be? why?

Hm. I mean. Literally speaking, no heart, you just find stone in there. Figuratively speaking... a jade earring. representative of their first steps towards freedom.

5. do/would your character carry lots of hair ties on their wrist?

Nah, not unless one of the other party members asked.

6. what parts of your character’s voice/manner of speaking are distinct, if any?

Hm. Mostly just that their voice is pretty rough and low. Otherwise I think they talk pretty normal??

7. what’s the first thing your character’s eyes are drawn to on a map?

New places. To all the parts of the world they haven't seen yet, and want to.

8. how did your character feel when they left home for the first time?

Okay I'm going to go with the definition of home that means Cephas has to feel like it's home, which would mean the place where they lived with their BFF Effie. And I think the first time they left there, with an intent to go out and adventure, they felt really excited, happy, and like they were finally doing what they were meant to be doing. They'd been feeling very restless up until that point, so it's kind of like scratching an itch. Very satisfying.

9. where does your character look when they’re the only one walking down a road?

All around. She likes to see everything and doesn't get particularly worried about other people or robbers or things like that, so there's a lot of being generally distracted by whatever scenery they're passing through. Sometimes he'll just stop and pretend to be a statue on the side of the road and people watch for a while, if there's time for it.

10. does your character have tattoos? were they alone the first time they got one?

Being made of stone, my darling Cephas can't get tattoos. If they had actual flesh I do think they'd wanna get some.

11. if a button came loose from your character’s shirt, would they make sure the replacement matched?

Cephas doesn't wear clothes, and if they did 'matching' would not be the thing they cared about, so for sure No.

12. how loudly do they cry?

Gods I feel like a lot of these answers are just "Cephas is a stone construct and therefore cannot/does not do the thing" but like Cephas is a stone construct and cannot cry. There have been a lot of times where they wished they could, but their body wasn't built for it. Typically if they're sad, they're quiet about it, reserved.

13. does your character like holding hands? do they do it often?

Yes! But he doesn't do it very often at all. Stone isn't comfortable for other people to hold, and they have to be careful not to hurt people when touching them, so it's generally more dangerous for whoever they're holding hands with than its worth.

14. is your character more likely to wear a necktie, a bowtie, or a bolo tie? (if any at all)

Again, no clothes. But I think Cephas would enjoy a good bolo tie.

15. have you ever said something as your character that stuck with you for a while after? what was it?

Oh lord. Uhhh... hm, well there was this one thing but it is very dependent on the context of the moment. Which is that they were talking with another character who was frustrated about not knowing things, and talking about how in order to be people you have to ask questions even if you don't get answers, you have to keep asking questions. And then they discovered something that was a step in a mystery they'd been trying to deal with and Cephas said "and sometimes you do get answers" and I don't know why but that one did stick with me.

16. what does getting flustered look like for your character?

Stuttering. Awkward hand movements. Maybe reverting to the old "I am but a simple construct with no consciousness" trick if they're really feeling out of sorts.

17. does your character have to glance at their hands to remember left and right?

Ha, no. Cephas knows what they're doing, unlike me.

18. does your character have stuffed animals? would they if they could? what kind?

Hm, no, xe doesn't. But I think they would if they ever settled down and stopped traveling. Even if Cephas can't really feel the softness, they would like it. And they'd be very careful with them too. As for the kind... I'm thinking those, like, huge round ones? Fuck there was a name for them. Squishables?? I think???

19. does your character walk or run down stairs?

Walk, typically. Running could damage things lol

20. if your character saw a turtle stuck on its back, would they flip it over?

Oh yes 100%. And also try and talk to the turtle and see if it needed any further assistance.

21. has your character ever climbed out of a window? would they do it again?

I don't have a moment in mind specifically, but there's no way Cephas hasn't, and they would absolutely do it again.

22. what’s your character’s ideal way to wake up? what usually wakes them up?

Cephas doesn't so much sleep as... go into Obedient Construct mode for four hours, which is to say they will obey any order given to them. Ideal way to wake up from that is in some weird/compromising position because it means his friends were messing with them and they love that. And they can't be woken up unnaturally, so its just that after Four Hours something in their head goes Ding and they're back.

23. what’s the pettiest thing your character’s ever done?

Dyed a nobleman's hair bright pink because he was kind of rude to them when they were pretending to be a normal construct.

24. what made your character the angriest they’ve ever been?

Cephas... doesn't really do anger, generally. But! There was a man who pretended to be a prophet of a god, and collected a small group of true believers. And then he took over a town, and made the townsfolk slaves. And that really got to Cephas, in a very personal way. (They did take care of the man and they still have mixed feelings about doing it.)

25. how does you character smile?

With great effort. Cephas wasn't built to emote, so any facial expressions are subtle and take a lot of concentration and effort to make happen. Over time they've gotten more practiced at this and can do it almost without thought, but it's still the smallest movements for a great amount of toil.

26. does your know the names of their constellations? how did they learn them?

I think, some of them? Cephas lived with her best friend's family for a long time and I think they would've learned some of them there. But then they also definitely made a game out of making up constellations and naming them whatever they wanted, so it's a toss up whether what they know is a real constellation or one they made up and then forgot they made up.

27. do/would your character draw or write on themself?

Oh yeah, for sure.

28. would your character race someone to the top of a tall tree for bragging rights?

Not for bragging rights, but absolutely yes Cephas would race someone. And they would lose because they are big and heavy and not made for climbing, but its more about the fun of it than the winning or the losing for them.

29. is there an artist whose style you associate with your character? (visual or otherwise; poets and musicians, etc. count)

Hmm... not really?? I don't really associate artists with my characters. My friend drew Cephas once, so I think that's the closest I'm gonna get to that. Maybe Delta Rae? I feel like Delta Rae has got those witchy vibes, and that makes me think Cephas.

30. how has your character’s first impressions of their party members changed since they met them? have they stayed the same?

Oh this is delightful because when Ceph first met the party, they were pretending to be a normal construct, so the DM was 'playing' them. Which meant I got to sit there and watch, and so I wrote down what Cephas was thinking. They only met the first three members of the party that day, but I literally have it written down that it was three "good first impressions" because one of them stole a book, another one turned invisible to draw a face on a trash can, and the third called Cephas 'interesting'. Overall impression? A group of messes who just went through something tough and are not dealing with it super well.

Current impression? A surprisingly competent group of messes who are working through some stuff, and very much don't like talking about their feelings. Also, I'm invested.

Seriously though it started out as Cephas thinking they seemed fun and wanting a distraction, and now Cephas is like actually really invested in all of them and their growth and wants to help them as much as they can.

#Cephas #dnd #this was. long. but also fun.#also anon u called cephas 'my beloved' and i was like Ah? did i send this ask to myself??#maybe i did maybe i willed it into existence #anyways i love Cephas they're weird and beautiful and love their party and they have to leave soon and i am sad #Universe Answers

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dredshirtroberts · 5 years ago

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Naming and Other Fun Things You Can Do With Your Trauma

Below will follow my journey to where I am today with my sexuality and romantic attraction levels and kind of be a look at where I might be with it all at this time. Because I want to figure shit out about myself for me, not because it actually matters right now, and I think taking a look at The Shit™ I’ve put myself through romantically will be a good jumping off point.

I might get TMI, as a warning, because I’m not good at keeping things to myself online. So be aware of that.

Alright so...how far back to I go? Do I start with the most recent endeavors or do I end with them? How do we accomplish this task.

Let’s start with actual romantical feelings I guess. I had a crush on the same guy for 7 years. There were other crushes during that time, one of which extended well past the end of my crush with the first guy. The 7 Year Crush was a guy I knew from church. He was a whole year older than me and he was Cool™. He had the cool guy haircut, everyone at school knew him, his parents were well known in the area, he played guitar. I liked him from age 7 to age 14 with no breaks. I finally got over him but it took a long time.

Now We’re Best Friends was fun. I acquired that crush around 10 or 11 or so - another church kid, again around a year older than me. They’re non-binary now, and one of my best friends. My crush on them was like...at least 10 years long. Again, there were some others that came and went during that time but I was a bit obsessed. They’re still really fuckin pretty but I’m at least aware they’re not actually my type and we would have been super incompatible so thanks to the universe for steering me away from that one.

The David Incident was...an attempt to get away from Now We’re Best Friends. I was 16 (going on 17, dahdah dee dahdeedaahhh). I knew him through some of the people we hung out with (ironically, NWBF was one of those people. I had a very small circle I interacted with - I’d say I was friends with them but they turned out to not be very good friends so, yeah...). We’d hung out at a couple of “parties” our mutualest friend held. I went to my sister’s dance recital for the dance school that same mutualest friend went to, so The David Incident was there watching her perform I guess. I never questioned why he was there I just knew he was. Why was he there? They weren’t that close.... huh.

Anyway, he complimented a necklace I’d gotten from my Nana that year for my birthday that I was wearing to the event (cause you dress up nice for your lil sister’s dance recital. Especially because the entire family shows up). We texted a bit and he asked me out on a date. We hung out pretty regularly for about 2 weeks. Mostly watching documentaries and making out, honestly. He tasted like doritos. It was kinda gross. He was also, I would later find out, a conservative neckbeard, so dodged a fucking bullet when he left me for his ex girlfriend he wasn’t over yet. They broke up again three months later and he’s married now to someone he met in college through the military program at the school.

I’m jumping over the Really Bad Choices I Made At Church Camp because he was technically too old for the event, I knew him for a total of 3 days, and he proposed to me after a week of text-only conversation. He also went into the military. This...actually this does become a theme. All my absolute worst decisions went into the military. Hmm.

Anyway where was I...

Okay so Really Bad Church Camp Choices, The David Incident...

And then I was on my own until I was in college. I’m going to count this next one as a contributing factor even though the entire relationship was completely platonic with no intention of going further (except..did I want it to? We’ll go into that I guess).

I Should Have Known Better is what I’ll call this one. This is the only relationship I had with a woman that will be listed on here because most of my relationships with women are friendship only. But this was...a lot more intense than just friendship. And I at one point wanted to be more than friends with her.

We met in class while I was in college. I had just come back from the deep south and was high on Megachurch Neo Baptist Doctrine and also whatever the people in the parking lot of the school were smoking during breaks between classes. It was probably weed. We struggled with the class because the class was shit and taught by someone who could not teach and would not recognize her own failings.

I Should Have Known Better was the first person since I’d started attending college courses to talk to me about things that weren’t class related. She invited me to hang out - she was 3 years older than me, lived on her own (with roommates, but it felt like she had the place to herself), she had a dog, and she did Grown Up Things like drinking and she sometimes smoked weed and my tiny freshly converted and c-sectioned out of the womb of attempting to be born again heart was all a pitterpatter at the thought that I was an adult and I could do that. She got me involved in online dating, we went to Disney together where I footed most of the bill (this is also where my financial struggles started up, though there was a nice long period where I was doing very well by my standards which are low but not bad). We decided to move in together because we were able to stand being around one another all the time and enjoyed it. We talked about becoming even adultier adults and moving into houses right next door to one another, where we’d have our husbands and we’d hang out all the time and it’d be great. There was one point shortly after our move where she had a pregnancy scare, and I was prepared to become the dad of that baby because the potential father was Not Good. Thankfully it was unfounded, but that’s how invested I was with her.

The place we moved into we shared with 2 other girls. These girls did not mesh well with I Should Have Known and this is where the name comes from. She didn’t handle the conflict well, none of us did, because none of us were over the age of 24. But I knew I Should Have Known and I knew it wasn’t her fault that all these other girls didn’t like her, they were just bitches who were immature because that’s what she told me they were. I never really knew the other side of the story.

Anyway we were 4 months into our lease and ISHK wanted the two of us to break the lease and move out. I couldn’t afford moving out and potentially owing 2 rents. The landlord wouldn’t let us out of the lease just because we (she) didn’t get along with the people we moved in with. They were all unwilling to try a subleasing agreement, and I had to make a decision as to whether or not I was going to owe rent at 2 separate places. Mind you, of the two of us I was the only one with a steady job and I was able to make rent and bills and feed 2 people. That was it, that was all I was able to do. I couldn’t afford her rent on top of mine - her dad was helping her.

And the thought that I could move in with her somewhere where it would just be the two of us and I might have to cover my rent (an unknown at this point), the rent at the place we were currently living, our food and bills, and potentially part of her rent if her dad wasn’t willing to help with 2 separate rents? I couldn’t do that. I consulted the cards, I freaked out and went to my family that she’d been slowly working on pitting me against for the past year or so of knowing her, went back to the cards, and spent the entirety of Thanksgiving break just in the worst state. I have always bitten my nails, especially when things get stressful. That was the first time I drew blood and it happened on more than one finger. It was bad.

I told her I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave the apartment. After the lease was up I’d be more than happy to change locations because it was only one year. She...didn’t like that. She told me that staying would ruin her mental health which was already bad, she told me that it would kill her to stay, that living with these two other girls was signing her death warrant.

That was the first time I didn’t just let someone talk me into something I didn’t want to do. Thinking about it is kind of giving me some really shitty reactions in my chest, but...but I did it. I told her I wasn’t going to leave. I sat through her reaction, I planned for her to tell me to never speak to her again, to give her back all the things she’d ever given me or lent me or anything. I sorted out my laundry so I could have her items separate. I was planning on losing my best friend because she couldn’t live with two other people.

The argument that caused all of this, by the way? Dirty dishes. I was the one who ended up cleaning them, as a side note.

ISHK ended up inducing vomiting in the shower after our major blow out about it, while I was sorting through the items she’d given me. I don’t know if it really was that she was crying so hard that she vomited or if she did it on purpose. She told me when she was done that she didn’t want to lose me as a friend, and that she’d stay with me because she couldn’t leave on her own, and also because it wasn’t fair that I be subjected to these two evil girls by myself. She had me clean the bathtub after her, and I did it. I was just glad she wasn’t angry at me and wasn’t leaving me.

Things were strained. She met a guy online, they hit it off over winter break. She’d gone to be with her parents during that time so it was literally just me and one of the other girls in the apartment for nearly a month. Learned some of the other side of the story on that one.

She comes back, she brings the guy with her to hang out. We smoke weed together, he seems alright. They plan on making brownies. You know, special brownies. In the communal kitchen.

She has me go to the one other girl - the one I spent time with during the winter break because it was just the two of us in the apartment - to make sure that it was okay. Even though no matter what the answer was, it was going to happen anyway. The other girl was not pleased, because our agreement was that she and I could smoke but we kept it to our wing of the apartment.

Thankfully this other girl did seem to recognize that I would not do something that directly went against what we’d all agreed on if the other party said no had ISHK not been there. The cops were called, only ISHK got in trouble (she could have lumped me in with her, but she was trying to keep her new boyfriend out of trouble. She didn’t have to, I guess). This did not help relations with the other roommates, of course. She was convinced it was the one who I’d stayed with over the holidays that had caused all the trouble - when not only was that kind of a projection, but also inaccurate because the person who hadn’t been doing their dishes in the first place was the 4th roommate who has been relatively unmentioned due to the fact that I barely spoke to her.

She moved in with her boyfriend when the lease was up, they eventually got married. She did a volunteer stint with a group who she later introduced me to. I feared losing her after the November Incident and let her use me like a doormat a lot more after that. Through the volunteer group I met my next mistake, but we’ll get there. She actually pushed me into trying to have a relationship with him, but I’ve now learned that I should probably not date people who identify as heavily armed and armored combat vehicles so at least there’s that.

I became so attached to this woman that I wanted to be in a more romantically inclined relationship with her and her husband. I never brought this up specifically but we were entirely too codependent on one another. She required me to build herself up and validate her worldview. I required her because I felt I had no one else.

Through the volunteer group I learned that that’s not how healthy friendships or relationships look for the most part. There were aspects that weren’t so bad, of course. I wouldn’t have been her friend for four years straight otherwise. But we were not healthy together. She may not have been abusive necessarily but she and I were toxic together.

And I should have known. At least that something was wrong earlier than I did. Because of her I moved away from my hometown. The intention was to be closer to her. Everything was finalized and then...I had to make a decision. It was her or the new group of friends who didn’t require me to be anything more than myself. I could explore my boundaries and enforce them in a safe and healthy environment and they would be respected. I had people who supported me and loved me and didn’t mind that I was a little strange because they were all a little strange and I loved them for it. Still do, by the way. <3

So my choices were someone who made me choose between being financially stable or potentially ruining everything I’d just set up four months out of my parents house and got mad at me when I made the right decision because it wasn’t what she wanted. Someone who tried to turn me against my family and very nearly succeeded - whether it’s what she intended or not that’s what she was doing. Someone who when I told her I shouldn’t have to choose because 1) it really wasn’t as big a deal as she was making it out to be and 2) I shouldn’t have known ANYTHING about the situation, specifically the things that were supposed to be confidential between her and the main person she had an issue with (who happened to have a very dominant personality - this was a theme), she told me she felt like killing herself.

And if she killed herself because of this it was my fault.

That’s what she told me. Thankfully for me I was at work an hour away and could not drop what I was doing and rush to her side. I would have, if my dad hadn’t stepped in and said “if she were really honestly going to do it, she wouldn’t tell you like that.” Which, yeah might be a shitty way of putting it, but also was true.

I chose not her. I didn’t necessarily choose the volunteer group because for me that’s not the choice I was making. I was choosing to be beside her for another however long it was, alone with no one but her, because she didn’t want me to have anyone else, until she decided she didn’t like the way things were going and pulled this shit again - or not any of that. Of being responsible for only me, emotionally, financially.

I was also beginning a relationship with The Warzone and I couldn’t separate him from her from the volunteer group.

Those next few months were rough for me. When she finally calmed down from everything, she tried to get back into my life. I requested she wait until I contact her again because I was still working through my thoughts and feelings and I didn’t need her influence in that process. I knew it would not be helpful. She would give me about a day, maybe two, before texting me again. This reset everything for me because I could not deal with her and with my still conflicted - and very hurt - feelings about the situation. And I asked her again to please respect my request. This happened several times and I finally stopped responding to her altogether.

There were only two terse emails after that, where she had me come collect my things from her house and leave my key while she was not there. The exchange happened quickly and quietly and I didn’t hear from her for several years after that.

I was with The Warzone for the summer. Considering my longest lasting romantic relationship to this point had been about 2 weeks, this was a novelty to me. I was convinced this was it, this was the time I’d done something right, after all my bad choices this was a good thing.

He had some troubles, and had things that had become roadblocks but he had a job, he had his own place, he had a direction he wanted to go in. So I’d just graduated college and he was still in college life? I was still roughly the same age as his friends, I could still hang and party. My life wasn’t that different.

Our major struggles were mainly that we lived about an hour apart, and we didn’t communicate very well. Or at all, really.

I was anxious and terrified. I hadn’t started working through all my shit yet. I didn’t even know there was shit to work through. I was grieving the loss of my best friend and I had no idea that was even happening. 2 best friends, actually. NWBF had moved really far away and I was still crushing on them super hard. I eventually told them I couldn’t be friends with them until I figured my shit out. That was hard.

I was going through a really rough patch and self medicating with alcohol and more weed because I apparently had found another pothead in Warzone.

Warzone was also my first partner I’d ever had sex with. I don’t regret Warzone necessarily, but I do regret that I invested so much in the relationship, to the point that I blatantly ignored several signs that this was not going the way I wanted it to. His own struggles led to him realizing he couldn’t be in a relationship with me. I still am fucked up over the phrasing he used, because no one wants to be described as a roller coaster the other person doesn’t want to ride on anymore.

And he did this before we were set to hang out with people through the volunteer group. I am incredibly, incredibly thankful for the people who allowed me to lean on them while I was there, who knew the situation. We kept our PDA in the group to a minimum anyway so if you didn’t know we were together, you wouldn’t know unless we told you. He showed up high about an hour after I’d gotten there. I’d showed up early because I’d had to leave after he broke up with me, and I had a nice long tantrum cry in my car in a small parking lot downtown and couldn’t be alone anymore.

My roommate at the time treated me to drinks, helped me get set up on a dating website after some wine on a different night, and was generally supportive throughout the process. I think her change in behavior towards me should have clued me in about The Ex a lot sooner, but oh well.

Because of the dating apps/sites I signed up on, I met The Ex. That whole debacle played out through my posts on here for the most part because this is where I process everything, so if you’ve been with me for a while you’re pretty familiar with my mental state while I was with him. I was constantly justifying his behaviors and actions and no one who loved me liked him but no one said anything either.

They all have carte blanche to tell me when they don’t like someone I’m dating from here on out - not that I plan on doing that much in the future, but I wanted them aware of it. After ISHK and The Ex, I need outside input to show me I’m not making good decisions with the people I’m choosing to keep in my life despite the fact that they treat me like dirt.

ISHK laid the groundwork for The Ex to fully isolate me from my family. Not only was I farther away from them than I’d ever been in my life, but he took me from the job that allowed me to see them regularly. He encouraged me to skip family events. I missed nearly 5 years of my family’s lives because of this man.

When I left him, I was already emotionally done with him. So I thought I’d be ready to try again. It may have been compensation for my loneliness, for my isolation, still so far away from my family even though they at least were aware I was struggling. I couldn’t let myself rely on them yet.

Still can’t.

So I turned back to the dating apps. And I met The Pittsburgh Mistake.

He was nice, charming. I’ll admit when I met him a gaydar went off - the one that says “Oh, this might be a trans guy”. You know all the signals we queer folk give off to one another to say “Hey other queer folk guess what I’m one of you please don’t let me be alone”? There were multiple that read as trans guy.

He was not. I wish he had been. But no he was a redpill, conservative nightmare. And he was abusive as FUCK. We went on an outing and he didn’t tell me the plan was to stay overnight somewhere. He just had me drive him around and we finally got up there and he was like okay let’s go get a room for the night.

That was the first sign.

Then he was like “Hey I gotta go back to Pittsburgh to get all my things so I can move down this way, wanna come with me?” Thinking it was going to be another overnight, maybe a 2 night stay maximum, I said sure.

We were there for almost a week. He’d driven so I couldn’t just leave. He didn’t seem to have any intention of actually doing anything to move his stuff, or sell it, or anything. He flirted with other women nearly the entire time - which I didn’t have an issue with him seeing other people, but I wasn’t, I don’t think, prepared for him to do it while I was with him. Like out with him. On things that other people might have considered dates. I’ve mentioned, however, that he took me to a huge museum and I nearly did forget that I had no idea how long we were going to be up there, I had no spare clothes - just one outfit, he would actively ignore me to flirt with other women, and he wasn’t doing anything to move the situation along with his move.

I’d picked back up on smoking while I was with him. I’ve smoked cigarettes a few times in my life. I can quit cold turkey pretty easily and that’s not an issue, it’s just...I shouldn’t do it. It’s bad for me for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that my mom’s family has a tendency to acquire rare lung cancer that’s exacerbated by smoking. The other is that I have a penchant for getting bronchitis, like, all the time. But I was smoking a lot more heavily than I had previous times, even when I was smoking a lot of weed daily with ISHK, I didn’t smoke nearly as much as I did with The Pittsburgh Mistake.

The other thing that was a huge major red flag I should have been more cognizant of is how he made it my fault if he couldn’t keep it up or get it in during sex. I was doing something wrong, I wasn’t good enough or prepped enough, even though he’d done literally nothing to help things along. It was be ready to go whenever he wanted it, or be told I was worthless and useless and I must not really like him if he couldn’t get it in.

He got really drunk and wouldn’t know what he was doing, and he got really uncomfortable to be around while he was drunk. He claimed he wasn’t an alcoholic but i know he was using it as a crutch for whatever was going on in his brain. He projected his issues onto everyone else. It was everyone else’s fault, not his. They were crazy, not him.

When he started talking about being godlike in a decidedly blasphemous way, I figured there was definitely something wrong. When he continually invited his other girlfriend over while I was still there, despite the fact that both of us had been vocal about it being uncomfortable for us, I knew I needed to get out.

When he broke a window right next to my head because I was trying to leave because he’d invited her over again without saying anything to either of us until he’d already made the decision, and he was drunk enough to not remember it even as it was happening, I knew I needed to run and never come back.

I gave him one last chance. I asked him if he knew why I was upset, and he said something bullshit I don’t even remember. I told him about himself and he accused me of gaslighting him. Which??? Telling you you’re an asshole and that I am uncomfortable when you bring your other girlfriend over and haven’t discussed it with me, especially since I’ve told you multiple times I’m incredibly uncomfortable in that situation is not gaslighting. But he thought he was a genius and so smart and so close after The Ex who had a god complex and thought he was a genius and so smart, I knew I needed out and fast.

He literally sent me a text with a screen shot of a bible verse saying “I am a jealous god” yadda yadda and something about I’ll end up dying alone if I continue being however I was being. Like, thanks, but no thanks I don’t even believe in the Christian God, I’m not going to believe you, some random redpill douche who literally broke a window because I wasn’t putting up with his bullshit anymore, is a god either. I’m very proud of my response.

“LOL, okay bye.”

Like, sorry, bro. You gotta feed me a way more intricate story than just that you think you’re god incarnate. The Ex at least told me he could travel through alternate dimensions and universes and pulled me through along with him at some point from another universe - not his, but a different one, because he loved me so much. You gotta try a lot harder on the god complex in order to top that one, buddy.

yeah I wish I was kidding about the above. I also wish I was kidding when I tell you I believed it.

I’m still working on not believing it. I don’t feel like i belong in this universe a lot of the time, and playing into that did not help. And it’s especially not helpful when I’m super depressed and feeling mildly suicidal. So that’s been fun to deal with since I’ve gotten away from him.

Anyway, those are my relationship mistakes. Warzone almost doesn’t count because it wasn’t necessarily a mistake, but I shouldn’t have been in a romantic relationship so soon after the ISHK incidents.

And through all of this, one of the weirdest things for me is realizing that when I was in relationships? I didn’t necessarily feel any draw to be any sort of way with people. Like, I was with The Ex for 4 1/2 years, and while I loved him I wasn’t romantically in love with him. Which I didn’t realize until I was on my way out of loving him at all because he was treating me poorly. I was physically attracted to The Pittsburgh Mistake, but I knew that wasn’t a long-term deal from the outset. But I wasn’t necessarily sexually attracted to him. I have a high sex drive that sometimes clouds my judgement and I know that was a part of it, but he wasn’t *sexy*. Neither was The Ex. I found him attractive, aesthetically, but he wasn’t *sexy* necessarily. I told him I found him sexy because he didn’t understand otherwise and I thought I was helping. I was actually making it worse but I didn’t know. I felt giddy around The David Incident because I was 16 and was excited that I was finally dating someone because I’d never really done it before. I was just downright stupid with the Bad Choices I Made At Church Camp and that one I will own, but again I was 16 and lonely. Now We’re Best Friends has been the only one that worked out and I think honestly it was the LGBT+ flocking instinct.

I Should Have Known was the only one I feel came closest to romantic feelings and honestly I think that was more stockholm-obsession than actually anything romantic.

So while I’m a sucker for a good love story, while I love the thought of being in a loving romantic relationship, I’m not sure I’m actually romantic? Like?

There was a post the other day that was like “I’m in love with being in love, but I’m Aro-spec" and I was like??? That’s a thing???

And then I was listening to someone else who said they were cupioromantic and I looked up what that meant because I don’t know the aro-labels as well as the asexual labels and I was like???? That’s a THING??????

So, I’m still figuring myself out. I thought I was nearly there and then I remembered I don’t make anything easy for myself. I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum. My sexual attraction is very limited to what I definitely have zero chance with and that’s because it’s safe. Also it’s very aesthetically based, not powered by my genitals or hormones. As to whether or not I’m Aro as well? We’re still working on that.

But this was apparently more about me processing my trauma more than figuring out my labels since that’s what happened. I’m still working on my labels. I may never figure it out. It might change and then I’ll be really fucked which’ll be fun.

So anyway...did you really read this far down? Holy fuck this is so long, well done. You deserve a cookie or a glass of water or at least stand up and stretch like goodness you must be exhausted. Thanks for supporting and loving me and for being here with me while I try to figure out what the fuck is going on in my life.

I love you.

#the captain rambles #this is incredibly long and very personal but I wouldn't post it if I didn't mind y'all reading it #It's mostly about the shit I've gone through over the years as relating to my personal relationships with those outside my family #and then at the very tail end is me pondering labels and what they mean to me #I just really like coming up with fun names to call the crazy shit that happens in my life #because it makes it seem less terrible than it sometimes was #because there've been some shitty things that i've gone through #but hopefully we're moving towards a better place now

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flandesuka · 6 years ago

Note

Yo you should answer all of these scene questions👀👀

:OOO

you think so lad???? shit dawg i was thinkin just a few at a time but if that what u want my dear nonnie i will supply

1. wats ur scene name?

i was thinkin maybe ‘gods mistake’ would be a good one but then. i found a way to make it both danganronpa related, and, even better, a fucking pun as well. ‘kamukura kamukura jasqueen’, or just ‘kamukura jasqueen’ for short is good k thxxx

2. describe ur dream outfit!

oooo gosh this ones trickyy!! there are so many good outfits out there, especially in the scene community!! but it’d have to have a few tiny elements of dr cosplay to add a lil of my dangan-weeb culture in there ofc! more specifically, id really love to get one of kazuichis jumpsuit and just wig out and add shit like this just because i could:

(id just rlly love going out in all those glowy/shiny things at night like all that haha..and yes the shoes would probably kill me/my fuckin feet if i tried to walk in them but shut up i love them theyre cute as fuck)

3. describe ur dream haircut!

oo another tricky one!! i do like my regular hair, and honestly id be lying if i said i didnt love ibuki’s hairdo too but id defs have to go with something like this!!

yaaaassss, so pretty and spikeeeey! maybe id dye my natural hair colour black and/or add some funky colours if i ever actually got this style down!

4. describe ur dream room!

i have a lot of ideas for dream bedrooms actually, but heres a visual image of one of them i found!!!

MIKU ROOM MIKU ROOM MIKU ROOM MIKU ROOM

(this specific idea arose mainly just for the aesthetic but i also find it super cute and a good environment to be in general hhhnnggg)

5. if u could make anything out of kandi, wat would u make?

oh you mean those colourful beads and bracelet things??? i love those man!!! theyre so visually appealing to me aaaaa…id probably just make a fuck-ton of those and most probably use the little letter beads to say random words/phrases like ‘aubergine’ and ‘despacito’ knowing my shitposter self lmaooo! id definitely make a sansmaeda themed one too thoo fr

6. wat would u write on ur shoez?

it’d probably range from things like a simple kaomoji doodle to something randum and stupid like ‘seesaw’ bc yes asjnd

7. wat kinda piercingz/tattooz do u hav/want?

i dont think i rlly want any real piercings (at least not atm) but id totally go for those fake stick-on gemstone lookin’ ones! and as for tattoos, i cant rlly see myself gettin one of those rn either, but id want something like a mario power-up, preferably the bell one/cat suit powerup!!! its my favorite powerup and its sooo cute!!!

8. fave genrez?

i dont rlly have a specific genre, i like most kinds of music, but i rlly like energetic music that i can dance tooo!!! >w

9. fave bandz?

im a big fan of gorillaz and botdf!!! i like p!atd as well but havent listened to it in a while.. gatta catch up loool

10. fave songz?

my favs alternate a lot, but atm im super into ‘slow dancing in the dark’ by joji!!! so much emotiooon quq…also rlly hooked on botdf and jefree star’s ‘sexting’ tooo lmaooo

11. fave lyricz?

‘The world keeps spinning Among this sinning Oh what a cruel and disgusting place The purest moonlight Is bloodied by plight And screaming resonants But somehow I know That it’s all for show The world will reveal it’s true beauty soon And we’ll all reach towards the moon ‘

its so deep but its from a fucking kaito momota fansong and i love that asnkjdnefe

12. hav u evr been to a concert?

not in a damn long while my lad,, rip australians not havin many artists they like from other countries tour there ;-;

13. do u wanna be in a band?

ive always thought thatd be pretty cool ngl!!! tourin around with ur bandmate friends, makin awesome fuckin tunes, people lovin u and ur music, just livin the dream in general,, nice

14. wats da best soda/energy drink flavour?

havent rlly had any as of rn my lad so i wouldnt know :/

15. wat do u miss most abt old internet?

i loved that we could all just be ourselves and act like the kids we are inside without bein reprimanded at all.. it aint rlly that much of an issue for me but i still think itd be a lot nicer if it was like that again sometimes,,

16. wats da best old meme?

ooohhh there are so many i still miss man! numa numa ermagerd and doge still remind me of the glory days…when old animeme was good and you could still haz ur cheezburgers in peace. also rage comics! rage comics were good what happened

17. best place 2 buy clothez?

i dont think theres any hot topics in australia but if there is. i will hunt it down you hear me

18. wat r ur fave accessoriez?

OH THERES SO MANY GOOD ONES??? as i stated b4 i rly love kandi bracelets and other glowy/led things!!! also rlly love ties with cute and fun patterns and long colourful and/or ripped socks like ibuki’s too hehe

19. wats ur best tip fr ppl that just got into scenecore?

im not rlly the best at advice, but my main point would be-just hav fun here dudes!!! dont let anyone else bulli u abt it, we’re supportive people, u can talk to me or anyone else whos willin to listen an/or help for reassurance ofc

20. opinion on furbiez?

oOH MY GOD YES. FURBIES. MY BABIES I WANT 10 OF THESE CHILDREN…I ACTUALLY HAVE A FURBY HE LIKES SLEEPING IN HIS SPECIAL DRAWER AND HIS NAME IS TINGLE I ADORE HIM I’LL POST A OF PICTURE LATER MAYBE

21. opinion on funko popz?

i like em and ive seen lots at eb games, but i dont buy em much..i do have a megaman pop with a broken arm tho loool

22. wats ur fave pattern? (zebra/leopard print etc)

i looove a lot of patterns but not gonna lie im always a sucker for rainbow checkerboard patterns yknow hehe!

23. fave color combo?

i dont have one rlly…soooo many possible comboooos…cx

24. sumthing u liked as a kid dat u still like?

im still going on girlsgogames and recently, ive finally mastered sues beauty machine!!!! its so good and fun all of ya’ll should try it my dudeeees

25. wats ur most used emoticon? 0w0

as most of ya’ll probs alredy know i spam ‘:O’ a lot, but one of my bigger favs is actually ‘x3′ and my fav kaomoji is ‘ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧’ (both of them are so kyooot >w

26. wats ur fav typin quirk?

i luv talkin like dis, but i dont rly do it that often loool…i awso wuv tawking in ‘owo’ speak wike dis >//w//>

27. do u wish ur fllwrz talked 2 u moar?

hellz yeaaa!!! i luv followr interaction my dudee! it makes me super happi when u all talk to me heehee! x3c

28. tag ur fave scene blawgz!

:O !!! oh gawd!!! i dont know many atm but heeereee!

@xxadam-antidotexx (op of the ask meme)

@glitchkichi (not sure if this counts but their stuff’s rlly cool >v

@otonashi-banana (scene boyf…wuv im more than anythin >///w///>

29. wat got u into scenecore?

i dont remember exactly how it happened but i’d always sorta wanted to go back to the glory days that was the old web and the scene era, and that, coupled with a bright, colourful aesthetic that i could really enjoy, drew me in like a moth to a neon colored flame ig looollll

30. how long hav u been scene?

i’ve only been officially apart of the community for about a few months now (at time of writing) i reckon so some things are still a lil new to me ig ^^;;

31. wats da best thing abt being scene?

the freedom of bein able to express myself 4 one thing, and its just so fun being so ‘out-there’ yknow???? it feels so great really

32. do u hav a fursona?

i…actually used to but ive moved on from the furry fandom and ive grown more attached to my human sona anyway sooo :/

33. r u in sum “cringy” fandomz?

YEA man!! i dont rlly think dr is inherently considered ‘cringey’ but undertale is and im in that one for sure!!! i also kinda technically never left the skylanders fandom(?) so theres that too ig??? oh yeah and who wants to let me draw my old moshi monsters characters COWARDS

34. do u liek plushiez?

YASSSS QUEEEN!!!! i have HEAPS of them in my room on my desk with my gonta shrine

35. do u liek stickerz?

also a big yaaassss from me dawggg!!! i love them and i love those ones that you stick on your fase like this!

its so cuuute!!!

36. do u hav a friendproject?

i dont, not at the moment a least, actually! didnt even know what it was til recently but it looks kewl haha

37. do u hav any other scene account?

well, i haz this one, and i also have an emowire account for shuichi if that counts!!

38. do u make art? (drawingz, blingeez, etc.)

YES!!! i love to draw and i also make blingee edits sometimes!!! ITS SO FUN XD !!!

39. wats da most scene thing? (anything!)

hmmm, weeell…i think the most stereotyped thing would be that kewl, suuuper big hair like this;

its really prettyyyy, and i love all that colouuur!!!

40. ask ur own randum question!!

hm, oh wowie, since the anon didnt specifically ask this one…POTATOES!!! X3

phew, finally done, that was a lot of typing! this was so fun to do though, so thank u nonnie!!! :3

#ask #ask meme #scene revival #scenecore #scene kid #scene #anon #oh god what now jasu

18 notes · View notes

strangershield · 7 years ago

Text

The Mind Reader

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Read Part Two Here , Part Three , Part Four

Warnings: very mild language

A/N: I’m very proud of this one so I hope you enjoy. I might do a part two if you guys like it and I get enough feedback? Saying that, it is over 5k words so I apologise. I’m back working on requests now x

‘Dammit I have a Spanish test’

‘Her skirt is really cute’

‘Lunch better be good today’

The thoughts float around in your head in an organized chaos. Each thought is fleeting and almost disappears as soon as it comes. It’s always like this in crowded areas. Take the school hallway for example. You lose count of how many people you pass, and how many thoughts cross your mind. Mind reading is an ability you only acquired a few weeks ago but you think you could control it now, to a certain extent. You no longer thought you were going crazy, or wanted to rip your brain out of your head. It was hectic, yes, but it was almost calming. The thoughts could mute out your own, if you wanted, or add humour to your day. Seriously, teenagers think of the weirdest things. Adjusting the grip on your backpack you made your way to first period: chemistry. You passed Flash on the way and almost lost it when he started thinking about whether he should be a full time DJ.

‘I’ve done two parties now and people love it. People love me. Hell yeah I could be a DJ.’

When you entered the classroom you made your way to the back row. It was easier to concentrate back here as people weren’t surrounding you. You could also discretely put a headphone in. Music helped drown out the thoughts because unfortunately you didn’t need to know everything 24/7. It got exhausting and unnerving. Besides, you almost failed the last chemistry test so you needed to concentrate. You were thankful that you didn’t have this class with MJ. You loved her but she thought of the weirdest and funniest crap. Mind reading was a weird ability to have. It was more annoying than helpful, and so far you couldn’t figure out how to turn it ‘off’. Yes it was harmless, but reading thoughts seemed like an invasion of privacy, especially around your friends. You always tried to not pay attention to their thoughts or drown them out, but it didn’t always work. Luckily you hadn’t heard anything you shouldn’t have yet. Well, technically everything is something you shouldn’t have heard, but nothing catastrophic anyway. The bell sounded just as the teacher entered. Immediately his thoughts entered yours and you were bombarded with his feelings about his most recent fight with his boyfriend. Well this should be an interesting class.

By the time lunch arrives you are drained. Today seemed to be extra difficult as every thought was heavy with emotion. Usually it wasn’t this bad, but it got worse when you were tired or stressed. You couldn’t block thoughts as easily so every little idea crossed your own mind. If someone else complained about homework you might go insane. MJ was already at your table when you arrived and collapsed next to her, bringing your face to your hands. Yep, today you were going insane. Her thoughts began to leak to you like an oil spill, and there was nothing you could do but sit and listen to them. Thankfully she was tired today too and wasn’t thinking about much. Ned and Peter soon joined you. You greeted them without lifting your head, the weight of everyone’s thoughts too much.

“You okay?” Ned asked, sitting opposite you.

You nodded and almost laughed when he thought, ‘she doesn’t look okay but I’m hungry.’

With a sigh you sat up straight and started eating. Your mood slowly improved as conversation flowed. MJ was preoccupied with a book but you were happy to go along with Peter and Ned’s conversation. Mind reading made these interactions more fun as you knew exactly what the other person was thinking. It’s funny how often people lie to please their friends.

“So what are you doing tonight?” Peter asked you.

Shrugging, you replied, “homework I think. You?”

“Stark internship.” He replied quickly.

Oh yes. The holy Stark internship. Half the time you wondered what he actually did there. You imagined him running around getting Starbucks for the Avengers and cleaning their weapons. It was unrealistic but humorous. You nodded and grabbed your water. When you took a sip Peter’s thoughts entered your mind.

‘I really need to fix the web design. I can’t be Spiderman with no webs.’

You choked on the water and proceeded to have a coughing fit. Peter and Ned looked at you immediately and thoughts of concern entered your head. MJ simply glanced up then continued reading. You assured them that you were fine and recovered partly. Peter was Spiderman. Peter Parker. Shit. You knew you weren’t supposed to know that, and it only made you angry. Stupid powers. They kept talking but you were no longer focusing. You were friends with Spiderman, and your friend was Spiderman. Your food was forgotten about as you tried to process this new information. Did Ned know? Obviously he did. Peter isn’t that great at keeping secrets. You doubted that MJ knew since she hardly took an interest in your lives in general. A part of you was disappointed that Peter hadn’t told you, but you quickly pushed the feeling away. It’s not like he knew about your powers. Then again, you weren’t an Avenger or a superhero who risked their life daily. More and more thoughts crossed your brain, causing you to physically wince. With your own thoughts it was getting too much.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You look pale.” Ned said as he took another bite of his sandwich.

“You stopped eating, do you feel sick?” Peter asked, sincerely worried. You wanted to smile and reassure them that you were fine but your brain was on fire. It was a migraine times twenty. You could hardly speak as you abruptly stood up and staggered out of the cafeteria. You think you mentioned the bathroom but everything felt like a trance. After wandering aimlessly you stumbled into an empty hallway. You collapsed onto the nearest wall and slide down it until you were sitting on the floor, knees bent. Immediately the pressure was released in your brain as you were alone, the pain now similar to a normal migraine. No one was nearby so no thoughts could bother you. After a few deep breaths you managed to reduce the throbbing to a dull headache. Sitting alone in the cold hallway, you finally allowed yourself to think. So Peter was a superhero, which was unexpected but not surprising. After all, he was the bravest and smartest kid you knew. But a superhero? He had powers too. That part made you excited and you thought of all of the possible conversations you two could have. He might understand your pain and struggles. You could bond over that. But you couldn’t tell him your power. Well, you should since you knew about his secret, but you couldn’t. No one could know. You didn’t want or need to be a hero. You wanted to be an average teenage girl (who could read minds). He needed to know that you knew at least. But how? You groaned and put your head on your knees and hugged your legs to your chest. Life seemed impossible at various moments, and today was no exception.

“(Y/N)!”

You stopped and turned in the direction of the voice. Amidst the now crowded hallway you spotted one Peter Parker rushing towards you as fast as he could in the sea of bodies. You stayed next to the classroom door until he finally made it to you.

‘That would’ve been a lot faster if I used my powers.’

His thought sent a joint through your spine, another reminder that he was Spiderman. The two of you joined the crowd as you walked to your locker. It was the end of the day and you couldn’t wait to get home and be alone. Your brain needed a rest.

“How are you? And don’t say okay.” He said, raising his voice slightly so that he could be heard over everyone. It dawned on you that you hadn’t seen him since lunch and cursed. You didn’t know what to tell him.

“Um yeah, just had a headache.” You said quickly. You let out a sigh of relief when you reached your locker.

“A headache? (Y/N), I thought you were going to pass out.”

You froze, your lock combination half done. “It was a really bad headache?”

He looked down and you swore he let out a sigh. Was he annoyed at you? When he met your eyes again he looked defeated and immediately you felt bad.

‘Doesn’t she know I care about her?’

You blushed but turned back to your lock when Peter raised an eyebrow. Awkwardly he cleared his throat and asked if you wanted to go over to his place to study.

“Now? What about the Stark thing?” You asked, closing your locker.

He shrugged. “It’s not like I do much there on a weekday anyway. Besides, we have that, um, maths quiz.”

‘Please say yes.’

You smiled and rolled your eyes. Maybe you could tell him you knew his secret. “Okay, lead the way Parker.”

After Peter opened the door to his apartment he let you in first, where you were presented with a woman rushing around madly. Peter closed the door with a soft thud and looked around the room in confusion.

“May?” He asked.

His aunt stopped to look at you both and smiled before she continued rushing around. The two of you remained standing where you were as she threw various items into her bag. Peter tried again.

“What’s going on?”

This time she stopped and closed her bag. “As of five minutes ago I have a date.”

Peter raised an eyebrow. “A date? Like a date date?”

May rolled her eyes and laughed. “Yes, a date date.”

“But it’s 4pm.”

She shrugged. “It’ll take me an hour to get there. He lives outside of Queens.”

Peter readjusted the grip on his bag and didn’t say anything, but he drew his lips into a very thin line.

‘It doesn’t sound right. She shouldn’t go. Maybe I should go too. No that’s just weird.’

You smiled to yourself at Peter’s protectiveness over his aunt. Though he didn’t talk about it much you knew his parents had both been killed and his aunt was the only family he had left. You didn’t know her very well but you always admired her. Deciding that she had everything May grabbed her keys and walked over to Peter and yourself.

“Now I’ve left some meatloaf in the fridge that you can heat up if you’re hungry. I should be back by ten but keep your phone on you. Text me if you need anything, okay?”

Peter nodded and pulled a face when she kissed his head, but his thoughts revealed how much he loved the affection.

“(Y/N) it’s lovely to see you sweetie. Stay as long as you want.”

“Thanks May.”

She smiled and headed out the door. “Have fun, but not too much fun!”

And with that she closed the door and left. Peter stood stunned in his own apartment before he came to his senses and moved to his room. You followed him as he hastily made apologies about his aunt and the messy apartment (it seemed perfectly neat to you). Sometimes you wished people could read your mind, like now for example, so Peter could really see how much you didn’t mind and how you actually loved his aunt and his apartment, mess and all. Once in his room you took off your backpack and sat on a chair as he sat on his bed. Both of you got the appropriate books out and organized your things. You really liked being with Peter. He calmed you and he didn’t think a lot or make his thoughts loud, which was now an extremely valuable trait to you. There in his room, there was a genuine silence that settled between you two which extended to your mind. It wasn’t awkward or forced, just comfortable. You could tell he was tired and you guessed that you looked the same. Hoping to get your mind working you turned to the stack of books that were now on Peter’s desk.

“Okay so what did you want to go over? I’m okay with geometry but can’t do trig to save my life. Maybe if we start at chapter 2a...Pete?”

You looked up to find him slouched over his books, eyes drooping at a rapid pace. When he heard his name he jolted upright and looked at you, confused.

“What? Sorry (Y/N).” He sighed.

You frowned and moved the chair closer to him. Maths could wait.

“What’s going on?” You asked softly.

He shrugged. “I dunno. I guess I haven’t been sleeping much...and I’ve been busy with the Stark thing and school.”

You smiled out of sympathy as he stared at the floor. He genuinely looked tired and overworked. And now you knew that he was Spiderman, well his tiredness made more sense. He went to speak again when his phone buzzed. You saw it was a message from Ned before he leant over his books to pick up his phone, leaning closer to you as he did. Almost immediately his mood seemed to perk up, energy now radiating off him, as he read the message.

‘Finally something good.’

He went to jump up but glanced up at you and stopped.

‘Shit, I can’t leave (Y/N).’

“What?” You asked, acting like you couldn’t read his mind. He froze, trying to think of an excuse to leave. His eyes darted across the room nervously. With a sigh you allowed yourself to accept the truth. You had to tell him.

“Peter, go.”

He looked at you with wide eyes. “What are you talking about? Everything’s fine, I just need to-“

“I know you’re Spiderman.”

He went silent and froze. He stared at you, unblinking, as he slowly turned pale. You internally groaned. That was a mistake.

“(Y/N), I, erm, I mean what do you, um, I’m not-“

“Stop,” you sighed. “Go Peter. It’s fine. We’ll talk when you get back.”

He didn’t move, only stared at you with his big brown eyes. God they were dangerous. Slowly he stood and faced you, his face dangerously white with shock.

“(Y/N), please...”

“Go Peter. I’ll be waiting.”

He quickly looked at his phone again, as if he was making sure there was actually an emergency, before turning back to you. His eyes had gone wide and were full of regret and sorrow. They made you giddy and sad all at once. Finally he sighed and moved to his closet where he revealed a decent sized case. Carefully he opened it to reveal his suit, packed precisely. It was perfect, and you realized just how much he loved being Spiderman and what he did. It made you feel a bit guilty since this could be you and your life. You could be happy and helping others, yet you were too scared to face to world. Besides, mind reading was useless, at least that’s what you told yourself. You left his room to let him change and when you returned he was already gone.

It was sunset when he finally returned. After completing your homework you played on your phone and studied Peter’s room, fascinated by every little detail. It was clean and neat but had so many hidden secrets or objects. You laughed to yourself when you stumbled upon LEGO Star Wars figures. Even they were set up perfectly in their own place. When Peter did stumble back into his room you were sitting on his bed. Hastily you threw down your phone and stood up as he closed the window and took off his mask. You had to admit that you were speechless. He left before in such a rush that you didn’t see him in the suit. Now you were stunned by how much older and mature it made him look. You half expected him to look like an oversized kid without the mask but he looked like something else. A hero. He glanced at you and gave a weary smile, but you could tell that he was nervous. Peter sat next to you on his bed and stared at his mask which he held in his lap. You stared at your hands but let your eyes flicker over to him every so often. The silence still wasn’t awkward, but now it wasn’t exactly comfortable. It felt like there was an electric current between you, ready to strike at any moment. Peter cleared his throat, making you turn your head towards him. He didn’t lift his eyes.

“So, I’m Spiderman.”

You smiled and nodded. “I know.”

He frowned. “Yeah, but how? Was it Ned?”

“No! No, it wasn’t Ned.” You quickly replied. Instantly you saw him sigh in relief and felt guilty again. You couldn’t let him think that his best friend betrayed him, and you hated that the thought even crossed his mind. Ned had nothing to do with it. It was you. All you.

“It’s...well it’s complicated.” You finally said, not sure how to tell him.

‘How did she find out? If she tells anyone I’m screwed. Oh god, what will Mr Stark say?’

His thoughts came across quick and scattered in your mind. It was then that you realized just how worried he was. Spiderman was a big deal to him. No, it meant the world to him. You’d never seen him so happy or so invested in anything. He had a right to know, even if it hurt you.

“I won’t tell anyone.” You mumbled. He looked at you sideways as his eyebrows came together in slight confusion. You knew that was because the thought had crossed his mind, yet he dismissed it for coincidence. You sighed and glanced over at him. The light from the setting sun behind Peter was blinding, and it bathed him in a golden light. It blurred his edges and imperfections. His tousled hair became fairer, his skin tanner, his suit a pale red. It was a beautiful sight but you couldn’t let yourself get caught up in the moment. You had to carry on and get the job done. He had a right to know.

“I found out...from you.” You started slowly, trying to explain it simply to Peter. However you were already failing miserably as his eyes grew wide.

“Me?”

You stuttered and stumbled over words until you thought of a coherent sentence. “Let me start again. I found out through you, yes. But you didn’t say it. You...you thought it.”

Peter’s face grew more confused as you tried to tell him the truth without explicitly saying it.

“Thought it?”

“Um, yeah. Because, well a couple of weeks ago, I was in an accident.”

“Yeah I remember, I had to FaceTime you to explain the chemistry formula while you lied in bed.”

You laughed softly at the memory. You couldn’t believe he remembered that.

“Yes, that accident. But it did more than confine me to my bed.”

You turned to face him and, for a moment, you were tempted to take his hands into yours but decided against it. That was too intimate.

“Pete, I’m going to sound crazy.” You laughed nervously. Your eyes couldn’t meet his. Sensing your anxiety Peter leant over and grabbed your hands. You smiled internally as his warm hands squeezed yours to comfort you. He didn’t let go.

“(Y/N), I’m freaking Spiderman. I think I can handle anything.”

You gave him a weak smile as he looked at you with anticipation clear in in his eyes. You proceeded.

“I...I can read minds.”

Silence followed your confession as it laid heavily between you both. Peter’s grip on your hands loosened but he didn’t let go. His face went slack, as did his thoughts. For once it was impossible to read him. There was no thoughts or expressions. Nothing. He was a blank canvas, and nothing terrified you more.

“Peter, please say something.” You finally whispered as you waited for the verdict. When he didn’t respond you begrudgingly removed your hands from his, recoiling away from him. You needed to leave.

“Wait,” He stammered. “You read minds?”

You were now frozen on the edge of his bed, his eyes staring intently at you.

‘Please don’t leave’.

You settled in your new position, legs over the side of the bed, but made no effort to face him again. The distance was almost unbearable to you after being so close.

“I read minds.” You repeated.

‘What am I thinking about?’.

You giggled as Peter’s thought entered your head. He raised his eyebrows.

“You actually-“

“Know you’re asking me what you’re thinking about? Yep.”

Slowly a smile spread across his face.

“That’s freaking awesome! Mind reading!”

You blushed and bit your lip, shocked by his reaction.

“Awesome?”

“Of course it is. Shit (Y/N), you read minds.”

This time you laughed. The bed shifted as Peter moved to sit next to you. He sat centimetres away from you, shoulders almost touching. It made your heart race.

“You know that this means we can fight crime together right?”

You laughed and rolled your eyes. “Absolutely not.”

His face dropped. “What? Why?”

“I’m no hero. I don’t want to fight bad guys or save cats from trees. I want to be a teenager who works and complains about school and goes to parties-“

“You hate parties.”

“Not the point Peter.”

You stared at your hands, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes. He didn’t understand. He was fearless and brave, unlike you. You were so lost in your thoughts that you jumped when something touched your hand. It was Peter trying to pull your hands into his own. You let him but didn’t meet his eyes.

“I wish I could read your mind.” He mumbled.

You laughed. “Me too.”

Peter shook his head and gripped your hands. “No, you don’t understand. I want to know what you’re thinking and feeling. I want to know what you see in yourself. Why don’t you believe in yourself? What do I say? I’m lost, but I swear I’m trying to help. I’m just not good at it.”

Slowly you looked up to find him looking away. Gently you removed one hand from his grip to turn his face towards yours. His dark eyes looked down in defeat.

“Hey, it’s not your fault. In fact, you’re amazing. You’re my best friend Peter. Trust me, I wish you could read my mind too so you could see that I’m freaking out but I trust you. I do...”

Your voice grew quieter as you spoke until it was barely a whisper. Peter raised his hand to lay it over yours, which was still cradling his cheek. You stayed like this for a while, but one irritating thought just wouldn’t leave your mind. No matter how hard you tried to push it away it remained. You had to ask.

“Were you going to tell me?” You asked, pulling your hands back to yourself. Peter let go and looked at you.

‘Spiderman?’ He thought. You nodded sheepishly.

“Yes...no. I don’t know,” he confessed. “I wanted to, I really did. But it was a risk and I...”

Peter trailed off as your heart sank. He wasn’t going to tell you? You knew it was unfair to be mad at him, after all you weren’t planning on telling him about your powers, but it felt personal.

“Who else?” You asked. When he started to shake his head you snapped. “Peter don’t freaking lie to me. I know Ned knows. Does MJ? Did you tell everyone but me?”

“(Y/N) calm down! No, they don’t...they didn’t know. Ned found out by accident, I wasn’t going to tell him. I haven’t told MJ so I think she doesn’t know, but she knows everything.”

“And me?”

“You were different.”

You laughed sarcastically. “How Peter, enlighten me.”

“I like you.” He almost screamed, competing with your increasing volume. You blinked at him, both your cheeks red from yelling. The two of you never fought, so this was all new. And then he had...feelings? For you? You felt dizzy and you failed to think of something to say. Your mind was blank and Peter was tense: you could feel it radiating off him.

‘Say something.’

His thought was desperate and weak but there all the same. You didn’t look at him, you couldn’t, when you finally spoke.

“Me?” You muttered.

Peter nodded and refused to meet your eyes as well. The silence was crushing you as you stared at anything but Peter. If this was a movie, you would have confessed your own attraction and he would have proceeded to kiss you as the final credits rolled. Alas, this was reality where nothing was quite as perfect. Instead neither of you would speak or look each other in the eye. Each person was killing the other. You knew you had to speak, to say something, to save Peter from his misery. Yet no words would come to mind. Nothing. For the first time in a while, your mind was completely silent. No thoughts from you or Peter, only a void.

“I...” you began but quickly stopped, realizing you didn’t know how that sentence was going to continue.

“Don’t, (Y/N). Just don’t. I don’t need your pity.” His voice was emotionless and sent tears to your eyes. How could you do this, hurt your best friend? The boy who loved you? Time was slipping away and you had to act quickly, otherwise it would be too late.

“I don’t know what to say...”

“(Y/N), I said don’t. Just go-“

“Peter shut the hell up!” You interrupted. “I don’t know what to say because I’m terrified, because I feel the same way. And I want this to be perfect but it’s not and I’m not good enough.”

Peter’s eyes went wide.

‘Not good enough?’

He finally looked you in the eye, his own raw with emotion. “Are you kidding? You? You are perfect, and I mean it.”

You laughed in sorrow. “Says the boy who saves people’s lives and can swing building to building.”

“So what if I can jump from a building to another? That doesn’t matter. I will never be as smart or as kind or as beautiful as you, and that’s what matters.”

You looked at him, eyes wide with shock. He genuinely cared about you, your best friend. Your Spiderman. Clumsily Peter fumbled for your hand, not once breaking eye contact, and pulled them into his lap. You gripped onto his hands out of love and fear. This was everything you ever wanted, yet you never imagined feeling so scared. You shifted and moved your body to fully face him, Peter then following your lead. Finally here you were, face to face. No secrets. No judgement. No powers. Just two teenagers who were desperately in love, and nothing terrified them more.

“Shit Peter, I don’t want to stuff this up.” You confessed, your eyes flickering down to your holding hands.

“Me too,” Peter said, taking in a shaky breath. “I can’t lose you.”

And there it lay, the imminent truth, exposed and in the open. There was no returning now to what you were before. This was end game. Eventually you loosened the grip on his hands and you both sat in silence, tracing patterns on each other’s palms. There was something intimate about the small gesture that made you take a leap of faith.

“Can I tell you something?” You whispered as talking seemed too loud. Peter nodded, staring at you intently as he bit his lip. God he was adorable.

“I can’t control my powers, and they terrify me. And I don’t know who else to tell but you.”

Peter nodded understandably, his face full of concentration.

‘Think Parker, it’s your time to shine. But oh my god she’s so beautiful...shit she can hear this can’t she?’

Peter sheepishly looked up and grimaced when he saw humour in your eyes.

“You heard that didn’t you?”

“I’m sorry. See, THIS is why it’s a problem.” You explained. Internally you couldn’t believe that he thought you were pretty. “And you don’t have to prove yourself. You know that right?”

Peter nodded and gave your hand a squeeze. By this stage you had figured out that not only did he love physical affection, but he loved hand holding. And that was adorable.

“I know, but it’s you and I like you and...that’s it!” He broke off mid-sentence and stared at you, eyes mimicking a child’s in a candy store. You raised an eyebrow, curious.

“What? What’s it?”

“I know how to deal with your powers. The Avengers!”

You gave him a sympathetic smile. “Pete, thank you, but I already said-“

“You don’t want to be a hero, I get it. But I know the Avengers. They could help you understand and control your powers. Besides, I did travel to Berlin for Stark so he owes me one.”

Joy and excitement filled you. The Avengers? Helping you? It seemed surreal but it made sense; they were all heroes with powers or a better understanding of how they worked.

“You would do that for me?” You asked with a small voice.

“I’d do anything for you.”

It was easily the cheesiest thing for Peter to say, but in the moment it was perfect. Looking at his excited eyes you allowed yourself to smile wide. He smiled back, energy radiating off the two of you. In the moment you flung yourself at Peter and hugged him tight, arms clinging around his neck. After the initial surprise Peter relaxed and hugged you back, his hands holding your waist. His hands sent electricity through your body. You had never felt more alive or loved than in that moment. He laughed in your ear at your happiness, his warm breath fanning your neck. You buried your head into the crook of his collarbone and held him, your body melting into his. The closeness didn’t feel intimidating or awkward to either of you: it felt right. Tomorrow things would become complicated and difficult. Peter would contact the Avengers and your training would begin. Soon he would be out in the field again, being a friendly neighbourhood Spiderman. But in that moment, nothing mattered but the closeness of your bodies and the undeniable happiness that both of you felt. And it was in that moment that you truly, whole heartedly fell for Peter. As fate would have it, it was the exact moment that Peter fell for you too. You knew it before the thought even crossed your mind.

‘God, I love you (Y/N). ‘

#spiderman #peter parker x reader #peter parker #marvel #mcu #avengers #writing #fanfiction #imagine #mind reader #my writing #spiderman x reader #fanfic #love #spiderman homecoming #tom holland #reader insert

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ramblings-of-a-mad-cat · 2 years ago

Note

Hi there. I don't know if you remember me, but I'm your Verucca Salt Anon. I thought it might be prudent to reach out seeing as Verucca was just introduced into the game.

I think the last time I reached out was mid 2021, but since then I've graduated high school and am college bound. I've cleared up some family medical issues as well. Things are pretty good right now. I've spent the past year managing my schooling, community theater, and part-time job. Unfortunately, that hasn't left much time for me to create content for tumblr. On a bad day, I deleted all my content (still have the google docs tho) and now I just reblog good luck posts. They seem to work!

As for HPHM, what can I say, but I'm still a slut for year 5. In my canon, Olivia and Duncan play much larger roles in year 7, and it's great to see the game recognize them- at least Olivia, that is. My current project is a rewrite of the dinner scene in chapter 41 (sorry datamine spoilers) where MC, Jacob, and their invited friends (Tulip who replaces Corey for MC, and Duncan and Olivia for Jacob) meet with Uncle Hugh (Peregrine) and his son Drew. Shenanigans ensue as the group tries to sus out Hugh's true motives while trying not to be indoctrinated into R.

While I cannot say this was how I intended my canon to work out, Uncle Hugh and Drew were preexisting characters, even if a minor ones. I can say proudly that I predicted and headcanon Veruca being the Auntie. Jack still works at Tesco, and he's recently gotten a raise.

Thank you for the support and always answering my asks and ideas. My favorite times of day where at night when you posted your asks. On hard days, it gave me something to look forward too. Thanks again!

I remember you! How could I forget you? My old friend! I never forget one of my recurring anons. (Which does remind me. I wonder how the Sleeping Erika Anon is doing? Haven't heard from em in a while.) Either way, can I just say well done? Can we give a round of applause for the V.S. Anon, seriously? That sounds intense, and it sounds like you've been working hard. Medical issues in particular are never easy to go through, and I hope everything's going better now.

Also, have to pause and give a shoutout to my fellow thespian. I recently came back to my children's theatre program and it's like the breath of life. Like I've been in a coma for the last two years and I'm finally awake. Theatre just makes everything better.

I'm so sorry you deleted your content! For real, I hear about my friends doing that from time to time and it's always a crying shame...but at least it's safe in a backup! Google Docs is such a lifesaver. I remember finding it in high school and never looking back - I grew up on Microsoft Word but I haven't touched it in years. I do know what you mean about the good luck posts, though. They are wholesome and make the day that much better. I follow a blog that posts things like that alongside Undertale characters. It's always a spirit booster.

Holy heck, if that line doesn't describe me as well. We should, frankly, get that posted on tee-shirts. #StillASlutForYear5. I can relate, so damn much. I will never complain about more content for Olivia and Duncan. That whole trio is just a goldmine. I'm also seriously digging all of your ideas. You know me so well. When you mentioned substituting Tulip in? Oh, you knew what you were doing. Anyone can get my attention using the Rebellious Ravenclaw. All they need is a box, a stick to hold it up, and a post about Tulip. I'll always get caught. I also like how a lot of people are replacing Peregrine with an uncle - Jacob is one thing, he was a major presence in the game from jump, but by Year 7, most of us already have a defined character in place for MC's dad.

It feels good to have a theory be confirmed, doesn't it? While I was technically off, (I figured The Leader would be MC's mum) I knew it had to be one of the parents, if not both. Congrats on having your Verucca headcanon proved to be true!

V.A. Anon, do you have any idea how much messages like that mean to me? Because they give me a good feeling on MY bad days. You are so damn kind, and creative as well! I am lucky to know you, and honored to have you a regular in my inbox!

#The Verucca Salt Anon #The Prodigal Salt Returns!#HPHM Headcanons #HPHM Datamines #Wholesome #My anons are the best

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katzirrart · 6 years ago

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Art Growth Compilation

I really enjoy doing posts about improvement in art.

It makes me feel better about my work, especially with how busy I am these days.

I wanted to compile all the comparisons I’ve made over the years and kinda discuss the posts, for myself or others.

I thought it’d be funny to start with comparing how I first drew on a tablet, using dodge and burn tools, to how I do now which is using layers and actually painting. It’s funny to look back on that, you know?

I linked the post I made, compiling all the month to month memes from 2003-2017 that I try and do yearly. And everything else is under a cut ;w;’‘/

Most artists have done a drawing of themselves and a few Pokemon, or their team. I did that in 2010, and was dissatisfied with my work...

I took a crack again in 2013 after I’d learned to draw more animals and not be so Edgy(tm) I really liked the results. I still didn’t use references though, because I was lazy. I just didn’t want to. I still was on that boat feeling like I was CHEATING. I wasn’t being CREATIVE if I looked at references.

Artists get stuck on using reference and it’s AWFUL. USE THEM. USE TWENTY. LEARN!! It’s so HELPFUL, I wish I had started sooner.

In 2014 though -

I tried again.

I had gotten better at anatomy, but most of all, I started to work off references more. I started to really focus on not stylizing so much, but to work on actually making things look like things. I started to work on caring about COMPARISON sizes. Composition!!

While Pokemon reference sizes are -wiggle hands- and while my team changed up, I was satisfied that I could draw Arbok ACTUALLY like a cobra now, Meowth is easy given it’s just a noseless cat so to speak, Haunter is literally a triangle cloud - I was satisfied having drawn that team.

My secondary team in the new games? I was excited to draw them. It was fresh and new and FUN and it turned out PRECIOUS.

I learned better how to proportion things in an image for layout, and just... making characters feel COHESIVE in the same space.

It was a nice thing to keep visiting. I have a sketch in the works for an update even hopefully.

These pieces are kind of interesting to me too, because they’re towards the end of my era of THIN lineart?

My lineart has gone from this, and THIS, to this.

Literally I use to not believe in line weight, I can still do thin work of course, but I’m not a fan of trying to FORCE it like I use to? Even the second link, I went from the SMALLEST brush in Sai, to using a marker brush that had barely ANY give, to a custom brush on Sai that acts like a Paint Chat brush I use to use with friends online!

That’s what I mean about style too, like you may reserve yourself about things - like not coloring black in and outlining with white, or certain ways you do things. But the growth and changing and figuring FUN ways to color that black etc is where the fun of art comes in, to me??

Learn. EXPERIMENT. PUSH!

A few months ago, I did my first redraw. Of this piece from 2012.

Six years difference.

This was interesting for a number of reasons. There’s aspects I like more in the old one, but not many. I really like the pose a bit better, but I like the casual closeness that I did in the new one because that’s more my Shepard.

But technically speaking, it’s worlds better because I took time. I paid attention to details. I did fun things instead of rushing. I took time with my coloring and didn’t SMEAR it around. I had a friend who use to complain I drew so fast and they felt so SLOW, but I love what that taught me. I started taking more time on my art, and enjoying it more since I caught more mistakes and vastly improved. By leaps and bounds.

It’s amazing what a difference six years makes in not only style, which is often a FOCUS of these things? My style has come awkwardly and naturally to me over the years of critically picking certain things apart? but I really love where it’s gotten.

I have things I want to get back to, but I love... where it is, and CAN be?

But it’s wild to me how much change happens in technical handling? It’s a hand in hand thing, you can’t focus on one or the other only, or the other suffers.

Honestly this has been my favorite improvement to notice though?

Kisame was a character I felt I should be able to draw EASILY? Not so much. Itachi? ALSO EASY. Not so much??

Kisame has weird eyes to grasp how to draw? Thus focusing on them kept making them wonky to me!! On top of that, he’s everything I’ve been use to drawing for AGES because he has a muscular body, with a smaller waist? ... that was something I was use to drawing? I still was awkward getting back into the swing of that... Drawing HIS HAIR though? NOT SO EASY....

But like, Itachi should have been easy, but I have a thing about him appearing too feminine as he gets drawn because his eyelashes, and I’ve really found a nice... medium at this point?

But even still like my face styles and eye styles are finally to a comfortable point for me? I have stopped focusing on some weird things with Itachi’s hair and just... DO IT? But even still like...

The improvement here is literally just if I don’t know how to do something, or I’m not satisfied with how I do it? I just keep at it.

It’s a theme of this post honestly... repetition, persistence.

Keep drawing it. Keep trying to figure out what it is that’s catching you off about how you do it. Don’t like how you do eyes or how they fit on the face? Look at facial structures and references and figure it out. Draw them separate and figure out how to apply them to what you are.

Remember there’s a skull in there. I draw the holes in the skull like the eye sockets, and the nose area to help my proportions for SURE.

I’ve also gotten to a nice marriage in my lineart? The piece before the recent one, those lines feel HARDER or HEAVIER? The newest piece seems...softer? Like I’m lighter handed again?

I really like critiquing my own growth on what is good or working better for me? Older pieces it looks like I’m putting lineweight for SAKE of it versus where it goes now?

INTERESTING.

Like this lineup -

My style shifts so RAPIDLY, it still is noticeably MY style to people, but parts shift so VIOLENTLY because I’m constantly picking at what I don’t LIKE.

It’s funny too in the case of Kisame and Itachi because consistently I’m drawing the SAME character over and over - can make you REALIZE how you’re doing something wrong?

Like, here’s a difference of eight years, and it’s all the brush I use now, and it REALLY shows how my style has changed - in the aspect of one point of reference?

I have a childhood favorite character too, of Daisuke, and I use to be bad at drawing boys, and I use to be SUPER bad at drawing fluffy hair?

It was something I specifically started to learn to do? And I started to draw Daisuke every few months or years for a while. Especially when I started to first REALIZE I didn’t like my style that much?

But the middle one was July 2009, top left is less than 6 months later, and the last one is about a year later. DRASTIC DIFFERENCE. But next -

This one was in 2012, when I started to do more with teeth, or first dipping my toes into anatomy. I started to focus more on HANDS too, I was super bad at them. Overall I started to focus more on making my art have...ages? Like a boy versus a man. Facial features being DIFFERENT.

I can look at this boring little bust and see that he comes off more of a teenage boy to me now. I need to work more on figuring how to draw asian features especially the eyes. Sometimes I hit the mark, other times I don’t.

but between this and 2012? Not too much has changed. I do hair fluffier now, and I angle the eyes better. The teeth not being outlined doesn’t give that weird effect where I might give him TOO MANY TEETH....

People do that and it’s easy but whoof.

So there’s still learning and adapting to do in QUICK drawings, you know? but I can still see there’s good things. That took me like 5 minutes to draw? Not bad honestly.

In it’s own bracket is original characters though too?? But also divergent of STYLE shifts because like...

OKAY. Nightmare Syndicate’s story.. started for me in 7th or 8th grade, that was when I was...14? 15? I’ve been fleshing it out for like 13 years, that’s wild haha!! I love my kids and all.

But okay so SIALI. She’s still fairly similar but I restructured her face for SURE. She’s gotten less edgy, she’s.... a teenage girl.

FELIX?? CHRIST. He’s been such a long journey!! More on that later?

Rot and even Cor?? Rot and Cor are a shorter span of development, but Rot started in Highschool so almost 10 years ago, and Cor has been fairly solid - but even just DRAWING him over three years? Go look at how much he changes.. I’m not married to concepts easily. haha!

People act like making a character you’re STUCK with it. Like Oh boy, I better make this character good, from the get go!!

I only worry about that with small potatoes like my Pillar(Gods) designs I just made for the comic?? Even still, small things will change with them I’m sure.

But not only has Felix and Siali changed, but they’ve GROWN with my style and DEFINED it even. I’ve had to adjust my style to support Felix’s look honestly a LOT. Bend my rules. Break my anatomy stickler attitude - and honestly, that’s the thing.

You have to learn the rules and anatomy BEFORE you can break them. A style built upon broken anatomy will fail you down the road if you just excuse everything with style.

Learn to draw the hands. Learn to draw the feet. Figure out the face. Bones exist. You can break the FUCK out of it once you learn how to do it, you know? Like I’ve seen so many styles I LOVE who are cartoony and BROKEN AS FUCK, but there’s still some STRUCTURE to it. Most of those people can still structure a face just fine, and the reason exaggeration works so well is because there’s like unwritten rules for what works and doesn’t based on that?

Idk.

Felix has a very elongated torso, he’s like 7′ or 8′ tall so I mean?? He’s... broken anatomy, but he’s... lanky - but his muscle is LITHE and stretched. It makes contextual sense. That’s the important part.

But even designs, it’s important to understand designs YOU make, or like... to understand they’ll CHANGE and that’s growth within your art too?

Like okay, example. Felix has a millipede inspired monster form. But with designing that? I still have to know how millipedes and SNAKES work because there's bones and vertebrae in there??

But there’s also the difference of like... CONCEPT, versus execution. You can design a fucking badass character, but understanding your own concept is SOMETHING.

I had no idea how this would play out, until I was mapping out his ‘midsection’ spikes? and man. MY STYLE WAS MADE FOR THIS CHALLENGE NOW. Which is so interesting how smooth my style has always been? Felix has defined ANGLES in it, and it’s hilarious tbh?

But even too, I’ve had to work with Felix’s monster form FACE, to break the rules to make it WORK the way I need it too?

On the anatomy subject too, like when I first got into Marvel comics 6 years ago or so? I had no idea how to do muscle structures?? I was so BAD at it.

I can look at this left image and CRINGE so badly at how NONE of those are muscles?? THOSE ARE THINGS I PERCEIVE AS MUSCLES. Like...

A course I took taught me to draw what I see, not what I know. That’s the whole point of that post that goes around about drawing a shrimp. Look it up. It’s hilarious and cute.

But it’s like, asking an artist to draw a bike, you can tell who uses reference and who WINGS it. It’s funny, but like it’s what you know versus what you see.

I started to study anatomy like crazy and was seeing improvements days at a time. The right image was done like... a month later? already I can see the muscles under the pectorals? those look normal now. the abs aren’t dough lumps under the skin in a perfect 6 pack, they’re the actual plane shapes.

I was trying to find a good reference for myself of learning to make men ‘thicker’ too in terms of the waist etc since the left is really...thin.... but...

A bit better, but even still, comparing these two - they’re 2 months apart? and I can see understanding more about arms and how they connect to the body, where the planes ACTUALLY lay for the chest and obliques and such?

I can see improvements from July 2012 up there, to - WHOOPS. I FORGOT TO CHANGE THE YEAR LMAO... TO FEBRUARY 2013...omg

I mean, I could go on and on about improvements I see, when I go through my art though? Gosh.

Like I’m seeing so SO many bad hands and feet in my old stuff, and just CRINGING because tricks I learned for myself by now?

I give so many pointers and streams and screenshares on discord still to help people with art and it cracks me up?? Like...

I dunno. I’m pretty mediocre tbh, but god damn.

#art improvement #art meme #pep talk

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projectnaga · 7 years ago

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the "i'm still alive and working, i swear!" status update: year 2 edition

(mirrored on dreamwidth)

Awright, here we are, 730 days later. i think we can all agree that it's a downright damning reflection of the glacial pace at which i work that technically speaking, what i'm here to write is more or less exactly what i wrote this time last year. The circumstances are still basically identical; i'm the sole reason for the holdup, life keeps getting in the way, but i'm Working On It And Will Finish The Damn Thing i Swear.

Don’t worry, though. This time, i actually have something resembling progress to share. It's pretty good, too, if i do say so myself.

Here's the basic deal of what's going on, then. After a long-ass break i've been working steadily on it for about six months now, illnesses and my job at the University of Canberra permitting, and while i'm still pretty inarguably far behind what any reasonable person would consider a schedule, i'm making pretty good headway. Along the way this became less of an editing pass on what i've already written, and sort of snowballed into going back to the drawing board in places: poring over the Japanese script again, comparing, contrasting, picking apart every possible angle of every single text block, noticing parts that don't quite comport or where i've gone off the rails, translating completely from scratch where necessary to correct the oversights in question, and not moving on until i'm completely satisfied with the wording compared to the original.

Christ, that's a much more dramatic way of putting it than how it actually feels to do it.

As i've said before, my first go-around was a learning process where my grasp on the task was still very much developing, so i'm inclined to think that such close scrutiny is basically necessary on my part; i can't really afford to let past me off the hook and ensure that he had the literal meaning down 100% of the time. i'm determined to get everything right this time and ensure that the end result is as pure and faithful an expression of what FE4 is as possible, a target i fell slightly short of the first time around but which i'm committed to nailing fully this time. There's also been a lot of fiddling with line breaks to try and make all dialogue sequences look nice without any awkward spacing issues. i figure, i've left too many people hanging on this pass, so the least i can do is make the damn thing worth the wait both narratively and aesthetically.

In this editing phase, i also now have the benefit of working with a bunch of great friends of mine from Fire Emblem Universe - people like Smilies, Black Mage, Kyuzeth, Alusq, zahlman, Onmi, circleseverywhere, Zane, Darrman and MCProductions, whose opinions and critical eye i have a lot of faith in. They're not the types to let me rest on my laurels, no; they're constantly holding my work - every decision, every odd wording, every significant shift either way, every assumed reading, every out-of-place comma - to the fire, and their constant input is invaluable in ensuring that what i'm coming out this time is to a much higher standard than before. god, i almost wish i knew these guys back when i was first working on the game; it's such a privilege to have such sharp and talented people as them, and just about everyone else i've ever worked with, with me. i know, i've said it before, but i'll keep saying it until it stops being true because damnit, people are great.

Here, have some pictures of what i've been up to:

i admit with some shame that i was hoping to have a more impressive selection to show, especially given the amount of Shit i've been talking, but then i promptly drew a blank on stuff i liked enough to include here. oh well

Presently, i'm well into the game's second generation with this pass. A quick checklist of important things that have been completed so far:

The two missing alternate death quotes for bosses - Reptor in chapter 5 and Ishtore in chapter 7 - have been fixed and implemented

The promised Lex rewrite from last year is complete; the dude is now a lot more faithful to his original speech style, with some fine quirks that i'm kicking myself for missing the first time around

One of the most interesting changes i’ve picked up on is the tail-end of Eldigan execution scene (pictured above briefly), the tone of which i... completely fucked the first time around, let’s be honest. i completely missed a much more interesting reaction from Chagall about it, his gloating tempered by disappointment that it’s ending so easily. With this in mind, it’s a great scene, and i’m kicking myself for not doing it justice sooner

On a similar promised note, i'm fairly confident that i've excised every single use of the word "geez" in the script and reworked it into something that's not anachronistic as all hell

A lot of other stuff that's slipping my mind. Suffice it to say, if it's an error, it's being corrected, no ifs, ands or buts

Unsurprisingly i still don't have a hard date for when i'll be done and, given my dismal track record, i'd be a total idiot for trying to set one, but i'm hoping the post-semester lull will give me plenty of time to finish up. Don't worry, if i'm still going into next year, i'll still definitely be self-flagellating myself for it; i'm not sure it's possible to be more annoyed with me than i am with myself.

meanwhile, FE5!

Ahh, yes. The other thing that i Am Totally Working On i Swear. Needless to say, it's still on the table, and like i've said before it's one of the biggest factors in me wanting to just get FE4 done already (aside from, y'know, the common human decency part); various recent events have really lit a fire under me to want to get started on it in earnest. It's still on the backburner in favour of FE4 in the meantime, but occasionally the spirit possesses me and i hop over to do a passage or two. Here's some very recent work on it of mine: a few first-draft passages from chapter 22.

#fire emblem #status updates

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poorguysheadisdoingwhatnow · 7 years ago

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Tiny Dancer part 4

Sorry for the wait, y’all, here’s the next part of @fucking-petticoated-swashbuckler‘s and my fluffy, fluffy fic

Read Part 1 here!

Read Part 2 here!

Read Part 3 here!

There was a perfect, undisturbed layer of fresh snow on the balcony outside when Spot walked through his living room to the kitchen. The sunrise and the lights strung up outside the buildings illuminated each small patch of snow that had yet to be ruined by cars or pedestrians, causing it to glimmer and sparkle elegantly.

Spot made himself an espresso and stared out the window. The roads below were empty and quiet, save for the odd bus or truck; everyone was sleeping in on Christmas, it seemed. Spot checked his watch - it was only 7:57. He had more than a few hours before he had to leave for the gathering at Specs and Jack's place.

Rubbing his tired eyes, he walked over to the couch and collapsed, sinking comfortably into the cushions. His mind wandered back to a few weeks ago, when they’d all drawn names for the gift exchange.

He still wasn't entirely sure it wasn't a conspiracy on his friends’ part that he drew Race's name. Especially since moments before, Race had drawn Spot’s.

Spot remembered all their friends laughing about it; Sarah had even nudged his arm with her elbow and whispered something about it being “meant to be”.

What was he even supposed to give to Race? Did he like anything aside from ballet?

Oh, yes. Of course he did. He also liked tap. And hip hop. And jazz.

Spot had realized while shopping for the gift that he didn’t really know much about Race at all. His first thought was a poster of Baryshnikov, before he remembered he’d seen two already in Race’s apartment a week prior. So Baryshnikov was out.

Of course, he wanted to impress Race. Give him a personal gift. They’d been working together every day for almost two months now. They were friends. Friends gave each other personal, thoughtful gifts. Gifts that said “you mean a lot to me”, gifts that said-

Why was he so worried about this? Sure, he had spent the past couple weeks after the name drawing stressing over the perfect gift to get Race, until he had finally found something suitable. He may have asked Race a few pointed questions, trying to get more hints about what he liked. But that was just what people did when they cared about their friends.

Right?

At least the whole gift thing had become a distraction. His heart still skipped a beat when he saw Race casually showing off his 180 degree développés to his classes, but he felt more comfortable around him now. Less awkward. It gave him less time to wonder whether Race was intentionally trying to prove he was a dance god, or if he was just so amazingly talented that it was just out of habit that every movement was perfect, from the smallest tendu to the most technically challenging jump sequence.

Why was it that dance seemed to bring out qualities you wouldn’t expect that person to be able to exhibit? Ballet turned Race from an obnoxious, full-of-energy, childish person into someone with discipline. Precision. From someone you couldn’t possibly keep up with in any capacity to someone patient and almost mature. When Race danced, he was the epitome of grace, every step exact get still relaxed. In short...beautiful.

Woah, where did that come from? Spot shook his head vehemently, stood up from the couch and poured himself a glass of cold water in the kitchen.

Christmas. It was Christmas. He needed to stop thinking about work. About Race. Jesus, why was his whole life centered around Race now? It was probably because they were spending so much time together after months of not seeing each other at all. Yeah, that made sense. But he saw other people a lot, too. He had just seen Smalls and JoJo the other night! And he wasn’t thinking so much about them. There was just something about Race-

A loud knock at the door interrupted Spot’s thoughts. Thank god.

He left his glass in the kitchen sink and crossed the living room. When he opened the door, he found Sarah standing there, dressed in a Hanukkah sweater and grinning from ear to ear.

“Sarah?” Spot said, feeling confused even as he stepped aside to let Sarah come in. “It’s only eight-thirty. We don’t hafta to be at Jack and Specs’ till twelve.”

“C’mon, Spot, where’s your holiday spirit?” Sarah asked. “I thought we could go get breakfast before we go. Me and you. We haven’t hung out together in weeks!”

“I saw you yesterday.”

“Yeah, but I was with Les and Davey. It’s not the same.”

Spot shook his head and smiled. “You were saying something about breakfast?”

“I knew food would be what it took to get my best friend to hang out with me for once in his life.”

This time Spot laughed. “Alright, just give me twenty minutes so I can shower.”

“Twenty… Spot, you look and smell fine and I’m hungry,” Sarah whined, feigning impatience but still obviously fighting off a laugh of her own.

Spot rolled his eyes. “Make toast. Or there’s leftover pasta in the fridge. I don’t care. Help yourself.”

Sarah groaned dramatically. “Fine. Just be quick so I don’t waste away. Come on, Spot, it’s Christmas. Catholic act of charity, or some shit?”

“One: you’re Jewish. Two: what’s the act of charity? Showerin’ quickly so you can eat?”

“Um...yes. ‘Ubi caritas et amor deus ibi est,’ bitch. Or whatever you catholics say. You’ve made me listen to at least ten settings, probably.”

“Come on. Ola Gjeilo’s Ubi Caritas is perfection and you know it.” He glanced at his watch. 8:36. “You know what, yeah. I’ll shower as fast as you- no, not as fast as you want me to. I’ll be out and dressed in twelve and a half minutes. Time me.”

“Alright.” Sarah flopped onto Spot’s couch and took out her phone. “Ready...set...go.”

When he walked out of his room, Sarah nodded approvingly. “Twelve minutes and twenty-seven seconds. Nice job.”

“Told you I could do it,” Spot replied with a smirk. “Now let’s go get some breakfast.”

The place Sarah had chosen was a nice little diner that was thankfully open on holidays.

“So.” Sarah leaned forward excitedly, her elbows on the table and her hands supporting her head. “What’d you get Race?”

Spot sarcastically mirrored Sarah’s pose. “You’ll find out in…” 9:02. “... about four hours. Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“Alright, I can be patient. So…” Sarah took a slow sip of her coffee before speaking again. “Speaking of you and Race…”

Spot felt his breath catch. “Yeah, what about me and Race?”

Sarah raised her eyebrows and exhaled accusingly with a teasing smile. “So you two… haven’t gotten… close? Recently?”

“I mean, we work together, so yeah, we’ve gotten closer, ‘cause we work together…” Spot knew he was rambling, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. What was wrong with him? He was never like this.

“Spot.” She was shaking her head. Eyes closed, a small smile slowly spreading across her face. “Just stop. Do you like him?”

He could feel the heat rising into his face. Quickly. Shit. “In what way do you mean?” A small laugh escaped Sarah’s lips. “We’re friends. So I like him as a friend. Any other ways you had in mind?”

“Spot, you’ve been my best friend for like fifteen? Sixteen years? I know you. You get flustered every time you look at him.” Spot winced, but she kept going. “And when you talk to him, shit, Spot. You’re a fucking mess. So I’m calling bull on this ‘no homo’ bullshit you have going on. Is this internalized homophobia or what? Do you just-”

“Please, Sarah. Not now.” He opened his mouth to continue as their food arrived, then closed it again and sighed loudly.

Sarah waited an agonizingly long thirty seconds before continuing. “All I’m saying is that it’s been two months. At least figure out what you feel for him, because it’s at least something.” She paused again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put all this on you on Christmas. I just love you and-”

“I love you too, Sarah.”

Sarah sighed. “Just… promise me you’ll talk to me about this shit. I get worried.”

“I promise, Sarah. You don’t have to worry about me.” Spot stretched his hand across the table and put it over Sarah’s, smiling softly at her. “Alright, let’s not talk ‘bout this anymore for right now. How ‘bout we eat?”

Sarah grinned and picked up her fork, then pulled her plate of pancakes closer. “Yes! I’m starving.”

After breakfast, Sarah and Spot walked around for a bit, taking in the icicles on the trees and the snow that had once again begun falling from the sky in light, delicate flakes. Then it was time to head to Jack and Specs’.

They were two of the first people to arrive. Jack and Specs were there, of course, as were Davey, Les, and Crutchie, all lounging around the living room.

Sarah laughed as she walked in. “Of course the Jews are the ones who show up early for Christmas.”

This got a laugh from everyone else, too, and Sarah left Spot’s side to go sit between her brothers on the couch, placing her present under the tree on the way. Specs glanced at Spot’s own present, still in his hand, neatly wrapped in green paper and topped with a bow.

“You wrap that yourself, Spot?” He asked with a cheeky grin. “Sure is a nice job.” Spot rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, Specs, now come off it,” he retorted, shoving Specs aside with his shoulder a little too hard to be playful and setting the present next to Sarah’s. Then he sat on the end of the couch, content to sit there quietly and listen while Les regaled his brother and sister with tales of his first semester of senior year.

“And in Physics the other day, Mrs. Mullen totally-”

A knock sounded at the door, interrupting Les. Sarah jumped up enthusiastically and opened the door, revealing Smalls, Finch, Mush, and Blink. They all came in with smiles and greetings and presents, and after a while the living room had filled up as more people arrived. And somehow, Race had ended up on the couch, sitting snugly against Spot to make room for other people. And once in a while, Race’s hand would accidentally brush Spot’s, and Spot had to pretend that his heart didn’t flutter a little every time it happened.

Soon, everyone was there, talking and joking, and Specs clapped his hands a couple of times to get their attention.

“Alright, guys,” he said once the room was quiet, “who’s ready to exchange some gifts?”

“The people want food, Specs!” Sarah called. Everyone laughed. Specs blushed a little in embarrassment, but he grinned.

“Of course! How could I ever forget?” He dramatically gestured to the kitchen. “There’s a spread of refreshments in there, prepared by Crutchie and yours truly. Paper plates are on the side. Help yourselves!”

“Didn’t you just eat breakfast, Sarah?” Spot asked under his breath, grinning. Before she could respond, Race tapped Spot’s shoulder.

“Get you a drink?”

Spot spun around quickly to face him, almost accidentally falling into his lap in the process, and Race laughed. “Careful.”

“Uh...sorry, yeah, I’d love a drink.”

Race nodded, still grinning, and got up, heading for the kitchen. Sarah nudged Spot with her elbow.

“Smooth,” she whispered. Spot felt his face turn red and took deep breaths to calm his heart rate as Race returned, two bottles in his hands.

“The finest House IPA,” Race joked. “I know it’s your favorite.”

“You know, Spot, I’ve never figured out how you became a complete lesbian stereotype.” Sarah evidently couldn’t stop her hysteric laughter. “Your taste in beer. The flannels. The beanies. The-”

“Yes, Sarah. We get it.” Spot could still feel an unstoppable grin spreading across his face. He glanced over to see Race holding back a laugh of his own.

Having Sarah close by made it easier, somehow. When she was there to break the tension, Spot felt like it was just a little easier to breathe, even when Race’s hand brushed his again as he handed him the beer bottle.

For a while, everyone ate and talked some more, until Specs stood up again.

“Now it really is time to exchange gifts,” he announced with a laugh. Everyone cheered.

The presents were handed out to their respective recipients, and soon the room was full of boisterous laughter and wrapping paper and ribbons.

Spot turned his head before opening his present to find that Race had done the same. “You go first,” Spot initiated after a pause.

Race smiled. “You sure?” Spot nodded.

He could feel his chest getting tight, his heart racing as Race tore into the wrapping paper.

“Hey look! A box! Thank you, Conlon, I’ve been wanting one for a while!”

Spot rolled his eyes, laughing slightly. “Look inside the box, Higgins.”

Race carefully removed the top of the box and peered inside. “Pointe shoes?”

“Not for you to wear, obviously. They’re signed by Megan Fairchild. I know how much you love her.”

Race bit his lip as he looked back at Spot, a huge grin spreading across his face. “Well, that’s good. I think they’d be a bit small for me, anyway.” They both laughed. “Thank you, Spot. I love them.”

And when he leaned forward to give Spot a hug, Spot’s heart threatened to beat right out of his chest.

“Alright, Conlon.” Race’s voice cut through Spot’s thoughts, and he looked up with a start. “Your turn.”

The package in Race’s hand was flat and square. Wrapped surprisingly neatly for something he assumed Race had wrapped himself. Spot took it from him and carefully slid his thumb through the tape, keeping the paper intact. The wrapping paper fell to the floor to reveal a sleek black frame, inside of which was a vinyl record.

He leaned closer to the glass, reading the small words on the label Race had made. “Elton John. Tiny Dancer.”

“Remember that choreo you did? Senior year?”

Spot felt his smile reappear as he remembered. “Of course.”

Race put his arm around Spot’s shoulders, causing his head to spin. Maybe it was the alcohol?

“Do you like it?”

Spot rested his head on Race’s muscular shoulder for a moment, then looked up at him. “It’s amazing. Thank you.”

And when Race moved to hug him again, for once he felt perfectly in control. Maybe he did have a crush on Race. But right now, he was perfectly content in his platonic embrace.

#tiny dancer #sprace #racetrack higgins #spot conlon #slow burn #it's getting lit

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natsubeatsrock · 6 years ago

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10 Marvel Heroes Who I’d Like to See Get a Movie in the MCU

NOT Fairy Tail Month - Post #4 (Marvel Cinematic Universe)

I’ve had a lot of fun getting into the MCU with my siblings. In the process, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of the Marvel universe and am learning about its weird inner workings: the good, the bad, and the ugly. While there are two movies left in Phase 3, (I haven’t seen Ant-Man and the Wasp yet) I figured that it’s about time that I talk about some of the characters I’d like to see Marvel Studios tackle next.

There’s no particular order to this list, except for a definite #1. The only qualifier is that my picks can’t already be in the MCU either in film or TV. You’d be shocked how much of a blow that was to this list. Between confirmed easter eggs in films, cameos on the Netflix-verse, and appearances on other television shows, both airing or planned, there are a lot of heroes already in the MCU. Still, here are some I’m hoping will get their chance in the next few phases.

#10. Miss Marvel

Before someone mentions how Kevin Feige has already confirmed that Kamala Khan is coming to the MCU, consider two things. First, that her arrival is dependent on the establishment of Carol Danvers as Captain Marvel, a character whom we haven’t actually seen on screen as of yet, as a part of the universe. If you know anything about Kamala, that’s kind of a big deal. Though, with apparent plans to make Captain Marvel the new center of the MCU, that might not be much of an issue.

Second, and most importantly, he never actually said that she was getting her own movie. She may only end up sharing the screen with another major hero. Who knows, she might even only be on TV as many of my other hopefuls have. Here’s hoping things all work out.

#9. Spider-Woman

I want to see if Marvel will be able to work their magic with Sony and get at least one character to have their own live-action movie in the MCU. The obvious issue with this is that their contract to “share” Spiderman runs out after next year’s films. Still, a guy can dream, huh?

Miles would be an interesting pick. However, he’s getting his own treatment in animation and it was hinted that he’s in the universe already in deleted scenes. (Does that still count?) Originally, I was hoping that we could get a Silk movie. But her alter-ego Cindy Moon already is a part of the MCU. Yes, this is a thing I looked up. Here’s hoping Marvel can give Jessica Drew a chance.

#8. The Mutants

This won’t be the last time I kind of cheat on this list.

With the Fox-Disney merger becoming all but a reality, the obvious next step for the MCU is to bring on the idea of mutated humans into their universe. I’ve always loved the Mutants growing up across at least three different animated series. While I haven’t exactly gotten into their recent live-action film endeavors, I've heard that’s mostly a good thing.

Of course, there’s also the matter of logistics when it comes to bringing in established franchises into the MCU. Does this deal mean we’ll get the X-Men or New Mutants in the fold? How much of the previous movies will matter in the MCU? What about stuff like Legion and the Runaways? Who will take up the mantle as the next Wolverine? Considering this company made adding Spiderman into this narrative work well after two different live action runs, I’m not too worried. As long as Ryan Reynolds gets to stay as an R-rated Deadpool, things will probably be fine.

#7. She-Hulk

And speaking of breaking the Fourth Wall, She-Hulk has made a name for herself by jumping through the panels of her own comics. It would be cool to see her come to life. Who knows, we could actually get some payoff to loose ends from The Incredible Hulk, which has been around for 10 years.

There’s a bit of an issue with her though. Technically, the rights for her and the rest of the Hulk Universe belong to Universal Pictures. Of course, that’s not as much of an issue as with the Spiderverse, considering we already have the Hulk. But it still is kind of a hurdle. But it’s not like walls should mean too much to her.

#6. Devil Dinosaur

This is a bit of an interesting pick. Current fans of Marvel comics might know about his partner Moon Girl, a young African American girl. Older fans may know of the partner Moon-Boy, the alien who stopped him from dying out with the rest of his kind. The difference between the two feels more jarring typing it out.

If Kevin Feige decides to go with this pick, I’m sure that either side of the fandom would probably be disappointed in the event that they decide to do one over the other. Still, I think it should be obvious that the most important character in this equation has to be Devil Dinosaur as the original namesake for the comic. Though, I’d like to see Star-Lord find out about Devil Dinosaur for obvious reasons.

# 5. Power Pack

Look. I talked about the Fox deal and the idea of Mutants in the MCU is really exciting to me. And I guess it would be cool to see the Fantastic Four join in as well. But I’ve never been all that hype over them, to begin with. Like, part of it is that they haven’t had good movies. But I’ve never been all too interested in the group past the concept of astronauts becoming superheroes.

While I’m interested in seeing their potential movie in the MCU, I’d also like some attention go to other groups in the Marvel Universe. My pick is one of the other sets of families in Marvel. The Power Pack is a group of four siblings with superpowers- two brothers and two sisters. Incidentally, I’ve heard that there was some talk about them getting a movie soon. Here’s hope we get to see it happen.

#4. Hawkeye

What? You didn’t think I would add Hawkeye? For those of you who think I’m breaking my rules here, obviously, Clint Barton has been in the MCU for a while now. The new Hawkeye, Kate Bishop, has yet to make an appearance in the MCU. I feel like this would be a good time to introduce her. Not to mention, we could finally get some explanation for Clint’s past if he decides to stick along in order to be Kate’s mentor.

There have been a lot of shake-ups in Marvel comics. The Spider-verse gave us a ton of new versions of Spiderman. Kamala took up the mantle as Ms. Marvel from Carol. And Carol took it up after the original Captain Marvel died. That’s in addition to a bunch other things. While there are a lot of legacy characters in Marvel nowadays, with Iron Heart, Jane Foster’s Thor, and even a new Wasp, I’d like to see what Kate can do for the Hawkeye mantle.

#3. Nova

This may feel like a bit of a lame pick if your only exposure with him is the Ultimate Spiderman cartoon with Drake Bell as Peter Parker’s voice. (A concept which has forever ruined my own readings of Spidey) Still, this one actually has some weight behind it. After the events of Infinity War, Nova Prime has a great alternate reason to actually build Nova. (Originally, the reason for building him was the work of Helmut Zemo. You can see why this is a problem for the MCU.)

Not to mention that Kevin Feige has actually stated that he’s high on a hypothetical board of characters who could get a movie. If anything, this might be one of the more likely picks on this list. Who knows? He might be a part of that mythical easter egg in the Guardians films James Gunn has mentioned a few times.

#2. Namor

First, let’s get something straight. The Sub-Mariner came out a few years before Aquaman. I’m not saying that DC ripped off of Marvel (in this case). After all, the opposite is also true. Still, it’s crazy to think how unkind time has been to Marvel’s King of Atlantis. While Aquaman is getting a new film pretty soon, Namor hasn’t seen too much time to shine. It would be great to see what he can do.

Unfortunately, it’s not clear where his film rights lie. Marvel Studios thought they had control over him, but they don’t seem to anymore. And that’s if they ever did in the first place. So it’s not that they necessarily don’t want to rather than they technically can’t. With the new merger, hopefully, the other original members of the Illuminati will be able to pull something to bring their final ally into canon.

#1. A Surprise

Don’t judge me on this pick as my number one, okay? I can’t be the only one who hopes that we get something special and out of the blue as a hit. Could anyone honestly have thought Black Panther was going to end up being anywhere close to as huge as it’s become ten, or even five years ago? And I don’t just mean that it would be a really well-liked hero movie for Black people. This movie is one of the highest grossing films ever made and the only superhero films to make more than it is two of the Avengers films.

Similarly, Guardians of the Galaxy, Ant-Man, and Doctor Strange went from relative obscurity to household names after only a few movies. Heck, Iron Man wasn’t all too popular before his first movie more than a decade ago. Who’s to say that Marvel Studios won’t give us a movie none of us asked for but won’t end up being able to live without? Whether that be making a name from an obscure set of heroes we haven’t seen or gaining success from heroes with less than stellar comics, who can tell what will happen next in the MCU?

And that’s my list. Any heroes you’d want to see?

#not fairy tail month #marvel cinematic universe #mcu #incidentally. there are a lot of women/girls on this list #this may be because of the lack of women #with major roles #still i love the mcu #can't wait to see ant-man and the wasp #here's hoping!

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douchebagbrainwaves · 3 years ago

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FIVE QUESTIONS ABOUT LANGUAGE DESIGN AND BAD ECONOMY

But working on this is not a win, in the sense that your body is happier during a long run than sitting on a sofa eating doughnuts. And they have leverage in that their decisions set the whole company moving in one direction or another. One is that you shouldn't build object-oriented programming in too deeply. What good will more code do you when you're out of business. The larger a group, the closer its average member will be to the average for the population as a whole must be giving people something they want, the more different it gets. A physicist friend recently told me half his department was on Prozac.1 It was no coincidence that the great industrialists of the nineteenth century had so little formal education. Many startups go through a point a few months before they die where although they have a significant amount of money in one family's bank account, or the market wasn't ready yet, b the founders solved the wrong problem. Programming languages are how people talk to computers.

With server-based apps get released as a series of small changes. The ball you need to give someone a present and don't have any money, you don't usually have to invent anything.2 Life in a zoo is easier, but it could not have grown so big so fast. It's very dangerous to morale to start to depend on deals closing, not just because she's shy that she hates bragging. In Web-based software you can use any language you want, there is nothing in spam-of-the-envelope calculations, this one has a high average outcome. A company big enough to acquire startups will be big enough to acquire startups will be big enough to acquire startups will be big enough to acquire startups will be big enough to be fairly conservative, and within the company the people in the mailroom or the personnel department work at one remove from the actual making of stuff. I think you should make users the test, just as we can become smarter, just as a goalkeeper who prevents the other team from scoring is considered to have played a perfect game. Her immense data set and x-ray vision for character.3 And historically the number of new startups being founded in 2003.

For individuals the upshot is the same: aim small. A big company is probably getting a bad deal, because his performance is dragged down by the overall lower performance of the algorithm described in A Plan for Spam I hadn't had any, and I completely agree with him. I would really love to do, at least in our own minds, we have to remember that it's an admirable thing to write great programs, even when this work doesn't translate easily into the conventional intellectual currency of research papers. It could only spread to places that already had a vigorous middle class. A big company is like high fructose corn syrup, and hydrogenated vegetable oil.4 Though the immediate cause of death in a startup tends to be one. In practice, it seemed inevitable that I would eventually have to move from filtering based on single words to an approach like this. But it could be that a lot of new startups being founded in 2003. Near the top is the company run by techno-weenies who are obsessed with solving interesting technical problems, instead of making users happy.

As with the original industrial revolution, some societies are going to be hard to duplicate. Letters, digits, dashes, apostrophes, and dollar signs are constituent characters. Letters, digits, dashes, apostrophes, and dollar signs are constituent characters, and everything else is collapsing around you, having just ten users who love you will keep you going. Here are some of the effect of first class functions, you can be wise without being very wise, you can pick a time when you're not in the middle of Antarctica, where there is nothing in spam-of-the-future, because this is what I expect spam to evolve into: some completely neutral text followed by a url. But ambitious programmers are better off doing their own thing and failing than going to work at a big company, then a lot of maximally interesting tokens, meaning those with probabilities far from. It will always suck to work for some existing company. Ditto at the other end of the spectrum, we'd be the first to see signs of a separation between founders and investors in the Valley. In the earliest stages of a startup, of course.

Watching employees get transformed into founders makes it clear that the difference between the two. Jessica was so important to YC, why don't more people do it? Maybe it's because you haven't made what they want.5 75%. 88, just under the threshold of. That way we can avoid applying rules and standards to intelligence that are really meant for wisdom. Except instead of being at the mercy of investors. If anything, it's more like the small man of Confucius's day, always one bad harvest or ruler away from starvation. And the culture she defined was one of those that exploit an insecure cgi script to send mail to third parties. And yet if you analyzed the contents of the average grocery store you'd probably find these four ingredients accounted for most of the things they're doing is breaking up and misspelling words to prevent filters from recognizing them. For example, though the stock market crash does seem to have regarded wisdom, learning, and intelligence largely from cultivating them. We are all richer for knowing about penicillin, because we're less likely to die from infections.

With server-based. That last sentence is the fatal one.6 If you were dropped at a random point in America today, nearly all the food around you would be bad for you. I think the single biggest problem afflicting large companies is the difficulty of assigning a value to each person's work. If you're not allowed to implement new ideas, you stop having them. If you're in a job that feels safe, you are thereby fairly close to measuring the contributions of individual employees. But large organizations will probably never again play the leading role they did up till the last quarter of the twentieth century.7 When startups came back into fashion, around 2005, investors were starting to hear about byte code, which implies to me at least that if we find more than 15 tokens that only occur in one corpus or the other, we ought to give priority to the ones that occur a lot. Two of the four spams I missed got through because they happened to use words that occur often in my legitimate email. Just write whatever you want, so if there is no way to get rich by creating wealth, as a species, is that you can do whatever he wants. When there is a natural fit between smallness and solving hard problems.

These techniques are mostly orthogonal to Bill's; an optimal solution might incorporate both. Salesmen work alone.8 Partly because I'm a writer, and writers always get disproportionate attention.9 But working on this is not an irrational fear: it really is hard to bear. And in this economy I bet they got a good deal on it.10 If you go to a new set of buildings, and do things that they think aren't good for you. Then at least you can give back the money you have left, and save every penny of your salary. So let me tell you a little about Jessica.11 Your boss is just the intermediate stage—just a shorthand—for whatever people want. A morale boost on that scale is very valuable in a startup tends to be running out of money, and now they'd have to postpone that. Usually a startup is, economically: a way of saying, I want to work a lot harder, and get paid for it.

Notes

That was a kid who had died decades ago. If an investor I don't like content is the accumulator generator benchmark are collected together on their utility function for money. In desperation people reach for the fences in our case, 20th century was also the golden age of economic inequality was really only useful for one another indirectly through the window for years while they may introduce startups they like to cluster together as much as Drew Houston needed Dropbox, or Seattle, consider moving.

When the Air Hits Your Brain, neurosurgeon Frank Vertosick recounts a conversation—maybe not linearly, but nothing else: no friends, TV, go talk to mediocre ones. If early abstract paintings seem more interesting than later ones, and in a startup, but I took so long. And while we might think it was the least VC-like. SpamCop—A Spam Classification Organization Program.

But people like numbers. That makes some rich people move, and then using growth rate has to work for startups to be evidence of a stock is its future earnings, you create wealth with no environmental cost.

For example, the angel round just happened, the apparent misdeeds of corp dev people are trying to decide whether to go all the red counties. It's a lot heavier. I've been told that Microsoft discourages employees from contributing to open-source projects, even if we wanted to than because they actually do, but when people make investment decisions well when they talk about distribution of income, which merchants used to be able to claim retroactively I said yes.

I had a killed portraiture as a constituency. The Nineteenth-Century History of English at Indiana University Publications. This is not to need to go sell the bad groups and they unanimously said yes. Most unusual ambitions fail, most of them had been a good way to explain how you'd figure out what the US is partly a reaction to drugs.

Which is probably 99% cooperation. I said yes. In desperation people reach for the same way a restaurant is constrained in a journal. An accountant might say that YC's most successful ones.

Joe thinks one of them, would be much bigger news, in the body or header lines other than those I mark. For example, the same investor to invest at any valuation the founders don't have to talk about aspects of the next stage tend to become dictator and intimidate the NBA into letting you write has a word meaning how one feels when things are going well, but most neighborhoods successfully resisted them. Which is probably a mistake to believe is that their experience so far the only way to tell how serious potential investors and they begin by having an associate.

Globally the trend has been rewritten to suit present fashions.

See Greenspun's Tenth Rule.

Bill Yerazunis. This was made a million dollars out of a social network for x. If you wanted to invest at any valuation the founders of Hewlett Packard said it first, and it has about the smaller investments you raise them.

The undergraduate curriculum or trivium whence trivial consisted of three stakes.

#automatically generated text #Markov chains #Paul Graham #Python #Patrick Mooney #zoo #NBA #solution #goalkeeper #Your #person #vision #remove #number

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pierrehardy · 5 years ago

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COVID-19 x Wannabe Dictators

If a leader were to yearn for more power, historically, the best time to do it is during a crisis. Since we are in one right now, you bet your butt that’s what some leaders are doing right now. So for this write-up, I will round up examples of leaders taking advantage of the virus and what it could mean for us all.

TL;DR

Wannabe autocrats are taking advantage of the virus to expand their power. They do this by:

Opportunistic power grabs.

Notable examples: (1) China is continuing its efforts to tighten its grip over Hong Kong. (2) Hungary is effectively an autocratic country in the heart of the EU.

Taking advantage of coronavirus measures.

The serendipity of banning mass gatherings also quelled multiple protests rocking the world last year.

Quarantine measures are not fairly enforced. Usually, government allies face almost no consequences for violating the rules. On the contrary, the enforcement is so strict that it borders abuse for ordinary citizens. In some countries, the opposition is targeted and jailed for “supposedly” breaking the quarantine rules.

The criminalization of fake news is being abused. The rules of what constitutes as fake news are purposely blurred to include genuine dissent. Critical journalists or ordinary citizens exercising their fundamental right to free speech are being targeted.

Some countries are postponing elections to stay in power. That is if the ruling party is unpopular. If they are, countries then to push through with elections, taking advantage of the fact that the opposition cannot campaign.

Some countries are using the pandemic to target minorities that the government is not too hot for. For example, India with Muslims, Uganda with homosexuals, and the Philippines with left-wingers.

Here are a couple more factors that are making things worse:

Due to the lockdown, watchdogs and journalists are more constrained in reporting and holding leaders accountable.

These opportunistic attacks by leaders breed mistrust among the people. Without trust, cooperation is more complicated, which is detrimental when dealing with a pandemic.

In the long run, this expansion of power can be bad for us.

Leaders might not be willing to give up emergency powers when all of this is over.

To fight the virus, increased surveillance is needed, especially for contact tracing and enforcing the quarantine. But the risk is that this level of oversight will not go down to levels before the pandemic.

But, this is also risky for these power-hungry leaders.

Sitting dictators can run out of money to buy the army’s loyalty (most notably, Venezuela).

The pandemic can reveal the incompetency behind the big mouths of macho strongmen.

As leaders continue to abuse the situation and let their power-tripping policemen run loose, the people may reach their limit. No regime can survive the wrath of its people.

When and if we get out of this crisis, what we’re witnessing now makes the case that we must strengthen our democratic institutions. We need to fortify the checks and balances of power.

For this article, I will start by enumerating the different ways democracy is being attacked (with matching examples, most detailed of which is China’s continued attack on Hong Kong’s freedom and autonomy), followed by additional factors that make everything worse. Afterward, I will outline the risks this has on us and the threat it has on the leaders themselves. I will close with what we can do about it.

The Attacks

Power Grabs. Leaders are taking advantage of the corona news cycle so they can expand their powers undetected. Recently, I found two notable examples: China (against Hong Kong) and Hungary.

China. China is back at it again with trying to chip away Hong Kong’s autonomy. When the UK handed HK over to China, they agreed on a “one country, two systems” constitutional principle. This means that while HK is technically under China, HK will continue to enjoy the freedom of press, expression, courts, and other liberties a democratic country would experience and not China’s autocratic socialism. [1] In HK’s Basic Law, which is sort of its constitution, Article 22 says:

“No department of the Central People's Government and no province, autonomous region, or municipality directly under the Central Government may interfere in the affairs which the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region administers on its own in accordance with this Law.

If there is a need for departments of the Central Government, or for provinces, autonomous regions, or municipalities directly under the Central Government to set up offices in the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region, they must obtain the consent of the government of the Region and the approval of the Central People's Government.

All offices set up in the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region by departments of the Central Government, or by provinces, autonomous regions, or municipalities directly under the Central Government, and the personnel of these offices shall abide by the laws of the Region.

*For entry into the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region, people from other parts of China must apply for approval. Among them, the number of persons who enter the Region for the purpose of settlement shall be determined by the competent authorities of the Central People's Government after consulting the government of the Region.

The Hong Kong Special Administrative Region may establish an office in Beijing.”[2]

Basically, it says that China cannot meddle in the affairs of HK. In HK, however, China has a presence in the country through the Liaison Office of the Central People’s Government in the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region (which I’ll shorten to Liaison Office because that’s too long. Maybe even LO to be even lazier). Ever since the handover from the British, the interpretation of Article 22 is that the LO is technically China so it can’t meddle in HK affairs. Now here’s where things get interesting. So get a load of the next article in the Basic Law, Article 23:

“The Hong Kong Special Administrative Region shall enact laws on its own to prohibit any act of treason, secession, sedition, subversion against the Central People's Government, or theft of state secrets, to prohibit foreign political organizations or bodies from conducting political activities in the Region, and to prohibit political organizations or bodies of the Region from establishing ties with foreign political organizations or bodies.”[2]

HK’s Basic Law requires HK to pass a law that makes breaking away from China a crime, which HK still hasn’t done. Back in 2003, when HK tried to pass this Security Law in accordance with Article 23, it drew a large protest of about 500,000 people that ended up with setting the proposal aside. [3] So while HK’s own sort of constitution requires this kind of law to be passed, its people are somehow refusing the mandate of their own constitution. As one can imagine, China is not pleased about this. So recently, the LO is pushing HK politicians to get the required Security Law passed already. [4] Now here’s the kicker: by the very act of the LO rightfully pushing Article 23 to be passed, isn’t it violating Article 22? The LO’s response to that, suddenly, is nope, Article 22 does not apply to us. [5] This is not how HK used to operate and this sudden reversal of interpretation is a clear effort by China to tighten its grip over HK.

In addition to this, the police recently arrested key democratic figures in HK for organizing the protests last year. [6] (They weren’t charged and all were released on bail). But this is not normal since most of these were elderly and never actively called for the protests. Indeed, the protests of last year were largely leaderless. The most shocking arrest was of Martin Lee, the father of HK democracy. While he has been critical of Beijing ever since the handover, he stayed out of the 2019 protests.

So what’s up with this blatant and sudden attack? A possible explanation is that China is rushing to get the Security Law passed before the scheduled elections in HK in September 2020. As you can imagine, China is extremely unpopular in HK right now and that will surely be reflected in the elections. But even so, this rush is risky as it can spark another protest. China is probably betting its luck that the virus will discourage it. Or perhaps they can use the virus as a pretext to be more ruthless against the protesters.

Hungary. In the middle of the EU, a bloc that prides itself with values like “respect for human dignity and human rights, freedom, democracy, equality and the rule of law,” is a country that’s basically a dictatorship. [7] Viktor Orban, Hungary’s Prime Minister, can now rule by executive decree since March 2020, suspending parliament and basically making him a dictator. This emergency power was granted using the COVID-19 as an excuse, and it has no expiration date. [8] Disappointingly, this goes to show how little power the EU has to actually pull its weight when it comes to this particular matter.

But it’s noteworthy to point out that Orban has been ruining Hungary’s democracy for the longest time and that it wasn’t an overnight thing. The European Parliament has sounded the alarm as early as 2018, saying, “Judicial independence, freedom of expression, corruption, rights of minorities, and the situation of migrants and refugees are key concerns.” [9] For years, Orban has tilted electoral systems to his favor, as well as courts, and even now, he has majority control of the parliament. He also asked his pals to take over media like radio and TV stations. [10] Add the fact that for most of history, Hungary has been under authoritarian regimes, making its democratic roots shallow. When such foundations are weak and institutional checks have been weakened, it’s free real estate for autocratic leaders.

As a final note on power grabs, it is important to clarify that emergency powers are needed to deal with the coronavirus. But if a country’s institutions are weak, its citizens and journalists must be extra careful to hold their leaders accountable. To deal with the virus, we must cooperate with our governments, but this is the worst time to be a fanatic of them.

Taking advantage of pandemic rules. To most of us, the enforcement of social distancing and other rules that mitigates the effects of the virus is needed to get out of this crisis alive and well. To some leaders, though, it’s an opportunity. Here are three particular rules that have been serendipitous to aspiring dictators.

Ban on mass gatherings. This is a necessary precaution if a country wants to slow the rapid spread of the coronavirus. But it can’t be denied that some nations’ leaders found this to be a blessing in disguise. Just last year, mass protests were rocking HK, Russia, and India. Now thanks to the virus, those protests dissipated. At least for now.

Implementation of social distancing. Restricting the movement of people is necessary, and enforcing it is tricky in itself. While most of us can’t move freely without violating the rules, or fear of violating it, the strictness of the enforcement doesn’t apply equally. For example, Azerbaijan enforced this rule... but only to the opposition. [11] In the Philippines, ordinary citizens are arrested for violating the quarantine rules with no warning, but for government officials, like senator Pimentel and public official Mocha Uson, they faced little to no consequences. [12] In Turkey, they freed 45,000 prisoners to prevent prisons from being a virus hotbed... except the journalists that were critical of the government. [13] This has also become an effective threat since journalists know that being thrown to prison meant being placed in a breeding ground for the virus. In other words, death is a very real possibility.

Ban on misinformation. Indeed, to battle the pandemic, free-flowing information is required, and fake news should be banned. Several places have made spreading fake news a crime. The trouble with this is that governments purposely blur the lines between real misinformation campaigns, genuine dissent, and government censorship. In the Philippines, this was used as pretext, citing sedition, to arrest people with dissenting opinions [14] and even calling for the deportation of an overseas worker in Taiwan for criticizing the government. [15]

Postponing elections. Depending on who holds the majority seats in a country, the views on this differ. If the opposition is popular, it must be postponed for the safety of the people. If the ruling party is popular, it must be continued because that is the democratic way.

Use minorities as scapegoats. For some countries that have a particular dislike of a certain minority, leaders use the virus as an excuse to marginalize them even further. For example, India jumped on the opportunity to stir Hindu nationalism by painting Muslims as the ones responsible for spreading the virus. [16] In Uganda, homosexuals are similarly targeted. [17] In the Philippines, leftists were accused of taking advantage of the situation to cause chaos, which was quite ironic. [18]

To Make It Worse

I found a couple more factors that enable this abuse and make the pandemic worse.

Watchdogs and journalists are constrained. Due to the necessary lockdowns, the ability of watchdogs to hold abusers accountable is limited.

Distrust of the government. As leaders continue to abuse and bungle the response to the pandemic, more and more people are losing confidence in the government, especially the mentioned minorities that are being targeted. Without trust, people are less cooperative, which is detrimental to the efforts of fighting the COVID-19. This can be seen in America, where intense partisanship caused Republicans in Democrat-governed states to protest against the lockdown.

Risks

What’s at stake? The two most obvious and probable ones are:

Privacy. The pandemic has been used as an excuse to increase surveillance on citizens. This is indeed necessary, especially for contact tracing. The risk is that this level of oversight might not pull back to levels that were before the crisis. Governments might try to maneuver this to be the new normal.

Checks on Power. The emergency powers that were given to leaders might not be temporary. In countries with strong democratic institutions, leaders are generally trusted to give it up after the crisis. In America, Trump’s claim of having “absolute power” was immediately attacked by both Democrats and Republicans. [19] But for some countries, that’s not always a guarantee.

However, the risks aren’t present only to us. All these attempts to expand power can backfire and be the downfall of these leaders.

Strongmen usually have big mouths spouting macho bullshit that riles up the masses. More competent politicians tend to be more diplomatic and, to the masses, quite dull and uncharismatic. However, when a crisis arrives that requires some brains, strongmen are immediately exposed to their incompetence. For example, Brazil’s firebrand president who scoffs at the virus, sees his popularity drop and is now facing a far-off threat of impeachment. [20]

This is a cycle that you can observe in the long run. When a crisis happens, strongmen are exposed. This usually leads to dull but competent leaders to be elected. For the time being, times are peaceful, and real progress, as it tends to be, is quiet and slow but steady. People then get bored and fail to see the incremental advances and eventually would start to itch for some radical change. This will be exploited by charismatic but problematic politicians who will excite a crowd to vote for them. Once they’re in the office, it’ll only take time until their incompetence takes its toll, and the cycle begins again.

Some dictators in the world might lose their grip on power as they run out of money. Most vulnerable is Venezuela’s Nicolas Maduro, which is seen as the illegitimate president (as most countries recognize the opposition, Juan Guaido as leader). Venezuela is currently being hit by both the virus and the historically low oil prices. This can cause the army’s loyalty for Maduro (which is the only reason he can resist the challenge to his presidency) to slack.

Finally, the final risk is you, the people. The power-hungry can continue to find ways to abuse the situation and suppress the news, but the virus does not care. If they continue to focus on selfish initiatives than competently steering a nation out of a crisis, the cracks will show. As governments continue to enforce harsh lockdowns without proper sustenance [21][22], as the police continue their power-tripping enforcement of the quarantine [23][24], and as officials continue to exhibit unfair treatment [25][26], people’s patience will progressively wear thin. No regime can survive the wrath of its people.

For now, it’s difficult to do anything beyond staying vigilant and noisy. To call out incompetence may be scary right now, especially with the real risk of being prosecuted. But to those who have the courage, exercise it. There is strength in numbers And if we survive this, it should be up to us to make sure our leaders would serve our best interests all the time. This can only be done by ensuring our country’s democratic checks and balances are strong and capable (These are all the mechanisms that will prevent power from being too concentrated on one person, like the courts or that the legislative can overturn executive actions).

Image from a Harvard University Asia Century Poster

References

[1]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_country,_two_systems

[2]https://www.basiclaw.gov.hk/en/basiclawtext/index.html

[3]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hong_Kong_1_July_marches

[4]https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/apr/15/china-official-hong-kong-luo-huining-pushes-national-security-law

[5]https://www.scmp.com/news/hong-kong/politics/article/3081816/basic-laws-article-22-does-not-apply-beijings-liaison

[6]https://hongkongfp.com/2020/04/18/8-hong-kong-pro-democracy-figures-arrested-in-latest-police-round-up-party-says/

[7]https://europarlamentti.info/en/values-and-objectives/values/

[8]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/European_Union

[9]https://www.europarl.europa.eu/news/en/press-room/20180906IPR12104/rule-of-law-in-hungary-parliament-calls-on-the-eu-to-act

[10]https://theconversation.com/how-viktor-orban-degraded-hungarys-weak-democracy-109046

[11]https://www.hrw.org/news/2020/04/16/azerbaijan-crackdown-critics-amid-pandemic

[12]https://bantaynakaw.com/mocha-hindi-kakasuhan-ng-malacanang-kahit-na-lumabag-sa-ecq-rules/

[13]https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-coronavirus-turkey-prisoners-idUSKBN21P1WW

[14]https://www.hrw.org/news/2020/04/22/philippine-activists-charged-sedition-fake-news

[15]https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2020/04/philippines-backs-demand-taiwan-deport-worker-200430034037892.html

[16]https://foreignpolicy.com/2020/04/22/india-muslims-coronavirus-scapegoat-modi-hindu-nationalism/

[17]https://www.hrw.org/news/2020/04/03/uganda-lgbt-shelter-residents-arrested-covid-19-pretext

[18]https://news.abs-cbn.com/news/04/02/20/chr-sounds-alarm-on-dutertes-shoot-them-dead-remark-for-quarantine-violators

[19]https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2020-04-14/trump-s-absolute-power-assertion-runs-headlong-into-constitution

[20]https://www.reuters.com/article/us-brazil-politics-poll/brazilians-divided-on-impeachment-of-president-bolsonaro-poll-idUSKCN22A05R

[21]https://www.democracynow.org/2020/4/2/headlines/after_hungry_residents_demand_food_philippines_president_orders_soldiers_to_shoot_curfew_violators

[22]https://www.benarnews.org/english/news/philippine/street-protest-04012020150151.html

[23]https://cnnphilippines.com/news/2020/4/29/Philippines-COVID-19-quarantine-police-military.html

[24]https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2020/04/philippines-investigate-humiliating-abuses-curfew/

[25]https://cnnphilippines.com/news/2020/4/22/Retired-soldier-shot-dead-by-police-.html

[26]https://www.interaksyon.com/politics-issues/2020/04/28/167318/inequality-juxtaposed-arrest-of-chinese-pogo-workers-and-filipino-covid-19-quarantine-violators/

#blog #covid-19 #covid19 #covid #corona #coronavirus #virus #autocrats #strongmen #dictators #democracy #china #hong kong #hk #philippines #hungary #politics #current events #current affairs

0 notes

v-1enna · 3 years ago

Text

yuh ok

1. how did you choose your url?

it's a combination of two wilbur soot songs! losing face and since i saw vienna.

2. any side blogs?

this is a side blog, technically! i'm not sharing my main because it's got my name in it, but another one of my side blogs is @tnbwdlm!!

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

good question. i think my main blog was made in 2016? but i only really started using tumblr this year!

4. do you have a queue tag?

as a twitter migrant, i reblog things whenever the fuck i want, just like i did with retweets. no i do not :)

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

losingvienna was created in january of 2021, while i was taking a break from twitter. i had a mental breakdown but i still wanted to keep up with the dream smp, and also write fanfiction, so i created this blog! when i permanently left twitter in february i made the switch to this as my main form of social media, however i don't spend nearly as much time on tumblr as i used to on twitter.

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

last year (on christmas day, actually!) i drew an image of a disembodied hand holding an actual human heart, inspired by the lyric "my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand" from taylor swift's "ivy". i am obsessed with line drawings of realistic human hearts! the background is currently the enby flag, because it's pride month and this is my first pride as a non-binary person!

7. why did you choose your header?

it matches the background of my regular profile picture. that's pretty much it 😭

8. what's your post with the most notes?

this is the post with the most notes, however this is the top post at the moment when i turn on "show top posts"

9. how many mutuals do you have?

i'm gonna be honest and say i don't know how to check this 🧍

10. how many followers do you have?

675! a lot of those people followed me for fanfiction, i am so sorry that you have to see this mess

11. how many people do you follow?

606!

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

my whole life is a shitpost xx

but yes, i've made many a shitpost in my time, not exclusively on tumblr either. on my old, now deleted, wattpad account, i posted a "wax" (will byers x max mayfield) fanfiction that was pure comedy. i feel like my series of lesson planning posts could also count as shitposts.

13. how often do you use tumblr everyday?

no comment 🤐

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

this is embarrassing, but in 2017, when i was fourteen, i sent a friend of mine who i had recently had a fight with some anon hate. they knew it was me 😭

15. how do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

this depends. if it's something like "if you don't reblog this something bad will happen to you" i ignore it because the immunity doggo will protect me. if it's stuff about things going on in the world, sometimes i will be more inclined to scroll, not because i don't care but because there's so much shit going on in the world that it stresses me out. a lot.

these posts can be really anxiety inducing, and if you genuinely believe that if someone doesn't reblog a post about something you care about makes them a bad person, then you need to get your priorities in order.

16. do you like tag games?

yes! sometimes they're a bit stressful to participate in and/or take a little while to complete (ahem, this!!!) but on the most part i enjoy them, yes.

17. do you like ask games?

PLEASE SEND ME MORE ASK GAMES I BEG OF YOU

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

my child basil! i watched her grow into a pillar of the mcyt fanfic community 🥺

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

i used to! y'all know who you are.

but i don't anymore. i'm too busy simping for actors who will never know i exist.

20. tags?

@glazeddoughnutpancake @atty-goldstein @basilly

don't feel pressured to do this! it takes a long time and i understand if you don't want to!

I got tagged by Marie, thank you!! <3

1. why did you choose your url?

I know I tried a few others first that were taken and this one was just something silly I chose that I ended up really liking

2. any side-blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

I did try to make a wind in the willows sideblog that failed spectacularly somehow. It wouldn’t let me reblog the posts from my main account, and then tumble glitched and ate it ☹

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

I made my blog in 2017 and lurked around a bit. I only really started using it in 2019

4. do you have a queue tag?

Yes, it’s “all I ask of queue” like the song from Phantom, “All I Ask of You.” I thought it was super clever when I came up with it

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

Gosh I don’t know if I remember… I think I just kind of started it for fun, and then briefly it was a Dr Who blog, but then I changed to whump

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

It was Killian from OUAT before but then I moved out of my OUAT phase. The picture I have now is actually a screenshot I took of a gif and it took soooo many tries to get the one I wanted

7. why did you choose your header?

I thought it was fitting, but the constant movement of the gif annoys me so I’ve been trying to find a new one

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

That post about Distractible I made the other day (Link) I’m still shook

9. how many mutuals do you have?

I consider anyone I semi-regularly interact with the be a mutual so maybe 6-7

10. how many followers do you have?

293

11. how many people do you follow?

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

Oh for sure every post I made can probably count as one XD

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

I pop on and off all day on most days

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

I don’t think I’ve ever fought with another blog

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

They annoy me because they give me anxiety but usually I just scroll past them

16. do you like tag games?

I LOVE tag games but I’m awful at keeping up with them

17. do you like ask games?

I LOVE ASK GAMES

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

Oh def Marie (@the-wandering-whumper)

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

I have platonic crushes on all of my mutuals

20. tags?

@probiepannikar @thewanderingace @personinthepalace @catsafari25 @dratandbotherbotheranddrat @castiel-saved-me-from-myself @dreamsequencer

#tag game #long post

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