#i saw this and was just like yup this sums up their dynamic

[romanogers]

Eddie: You know those moments when I tell you something isn't a good idea? Freddy: And then I ignore you? Yeah. Eddie: And then I'm proved right. Freddy: Your concern for my well-being is touching.

[olderthannetfic]

nothing makes me happier than fic where the sadist top struggles with their violent and/or extreme tendencies and gets kinky catharsis with their bottom. i didn't realize i could sum up so much of my preferences like this until just now when i saw you mention how fandom can treat tops as "kink dispensers" and it clicked why i feel some distance to certain fic even if it technically aligns with everything i like. it's also the sort of dynamic i'm trying hard to achieve with the fics i write -- i just hope that it will come across well haha but i'll likely only know in hindsight.

--

Yup

[southslates]

yup, Zutara’s got an evil kid. I wrote about slightly evil steambaby in one of my fics, and I got a bunch of crit for that, so lemme explain why evil steambaby is a thing alright?

who’s the steambaby family tree? Zuko, Katara, Sokka, Azula, and then further out you’ve got Hakoda, Ursa, Kya, Ozai

putting aside the crazy Fire Nation genes that could easily pop up down the line, let’s focus on the four important people. 

so you’ve got Zuko as this kid’s dad. Zuko, even though he’s awesome now, was a struggling villain for a bit. and a key aspect of his personality is his dogged determination. Zuko was literally so blindly dedicated to his honor he was about to die in the North Pole. Zuko has got a lot of blind faith when he believes in something, and unless his world falls apart he’s loyal to a fault. three years on that ship, and he stayed dedicated to finding a dead man. and we’ve seen him practice with Aang. Zuko’s entire personality is about hard work -- he works for everything he’s ever got. so, yeah. from Zuko we get stubborness and dedication to an ideal, and a severe lack of thinking-things through

then you’ve got Katara. now the reason Zutara is great is that it has Katara retain her utterly fiery spirit, and Zutara work together because they’re both really passionate. Katara also has a lot of faith in her convictions, and she will go the extra mile when she thinks she’s doing the right thing; case in point offering to heal Zuko’s scar under Ba Sing Se. when she thinks she’s doing the right thing. Katara can also be a little hot-headed and stuck in her ideals. she found a random guy in a block of ice and followed him halfway across the world. she’s also not the best at thinking-things through

who does think stuff through? Sokka and Azula, this kid’s uncle and aunt. let’s go on with Sokka. we saw it with the painted lady; when Sokka is on a mission, he’s on a mission. he plans everything out, and nothing gets in his way. Sokka follows through on his plans and is a bit of a perfectionist, something he shares a bit with Zuko. Katara is Sokka’s moral half of the equation. Sokka is a warrior and a friend, and Katara and Aang and Suki keep him in place, but he would do a lot for his people. he has that determination

and then Azula, which is kinda a Sozin’s line lump-sum. she thinks everything through, and is such a perfectionist that she literally goes crazy (the hair symbolism) when everything isn’t working properly for her. this is a trait she and Sokka share, and why she sees him as such a threat. they are both leaders, planners, warriors, and thinkers. and both tend to give up on their morality sometimes to make it work, being insanely realist and not idealist

where am I getting? this combination of traits works in these ATLA characters. but here’s the thing; Zuko and Katara’s moral holdbacks stop them from getting swept up in their passion. Sokka and Azula’s ruthlessness and ability to calculate and think stuff through has them holding themselves back. when you mix these two things up?? um

you got a kid who fixates on something and decides that they want it, no matter what. this kid has Sozin’s blood in his veins, and it’s easy to feel ostracized in a mixed-bending family, especially if they’re the firebender or nonbender. they have the indignation of Zutara and the follow-through capacity of Sokka and Azula, and they don’t always have someone to hold them back, because parents make mistakes too

I just genuinely don’t think that Zuko could run away from his father and sister that quickly. it’s nice to idealize Zutara and their relationship, but it’s definitely likely that they’d have a problem child that could easily get carted away into some extreme pro/anti-FN group, because teens and kids are like that -- they get carried away easily, especially when there’s a lot of pressure on them. and maybe the kid gets the redemption arc, maybe they don’t, maybe it’s soft. 

even though I love Zutara, I don’t want to pretend that some genetic drive doesn’t run through their veins. I also wrote an entire fic about this headcanon and didn’t entirely redeem my ZK kid, because people aren’t always black and white, you know?

like the ATLA world is a kid’s show, but murder definitely occurred in it. and when I say morally ambiguous, I don’t mean softly. I mean hardcore evil Zutara kid. potential story villain. might kill some people. think Azula + emotional capacity and genuinely not caring about that emotional capacity without suffering abuse of any kind. some people are just. a little inherently bad. and telling stories about those people is cool

(tbh there was so much potential in canon for an evil Zuko kid or even K/ataang kid and I’m sorta sad that was a dropped ball, I love the evil kid dynamic)

this is a terrible ranty essay, but this is why I believe one of Zutara’s kids is evil. *mic drop* I’m sorry, goodnight, and thank you for listening

[mysterylover123]

BNHA Rewatch: Episode 34 “Gear up for Final Exams”

 mysterylover123

I always break this one out around Finals week.

Pictured: Deku and Kacchan in 10 years.  (Of course episode 34 opens with the Mineta bit).

Now to count down the Students in Class A from least to most smart:

20TH & 19TH: 

Kaminari is constantly frying his brain with his own quirk, and Mina is used to just kinda coasting on her quirk and athletic skills, so they’re both last.

18th

Aw poor Aoyama. Not exactly great at anything.

17th

I dunno why but I thought Sero would be higher.

16th

OMG Tooru is eating lunch with the Dekusquad! Is that where she falls? 

15th

Kirishima 15th, same # he placed in the 1st popularity poll oddly enough

14th

The biggest surprise of the bunch - introverted doesn’t =brilliant.

13th

I think I thought Ochaco would be higher on the list. She’s not dumb, per se, just middle of the road.

12th & 11th

I dunno i guess they’re supposed to be middle-of-the-road in everything.

10th

Congrats on the midway points Shoji!

9th

Why.

8th

Oji you do good. 

7th

Nice, Kyoka!

6th

Tsu did good too. I didn’t think she was dumb or anything, but she’s not geeky like Momo so it seems surprising. 

5th

The third smartest of the Big 3? Wow, Shoto. Always second best, aint’cha?

4th

My best boy is so smart and cute. 

3rd

The biggest surprise of the poll - at least, first time around. You assume Bakugo is dumb. He’s not.

2nd

Iida is Class rep, but still second in grades to...

1st

Best of the best! Momo Yaoyorozu I love you. 

Aw Shoto noticed she’s feeling down. Let the Todomomo/BKDK arc begin!

Ooh Uraraka looks really mad about Monoma being mean to Iida. (Or maybe it’s supposed to be Deku. I don’t care. Iichaco hc)

So if Monoma is Class 1B Bakugo, who is Kendo? Iida? Deku? Kirishima?

Kendo mentions an older classmate, and my HC is that it was Nejire. She hangs with Nejire in the Culture Fest Arc. I think they’re friends.

LOL This scene is like a rundown of all Bakugo’s most popular ships.

KACCHACO

Because Uraraka knows exactly what Bakugo is thinking.

TODOBAKU

Because Bakugo makes sure to challenge Todoroki too.

KIRIBAKU

Because Kiri talks about him like a spouse.

and of course, BAKUDEKU

PAY ATTENTION TO ME. (More in the corner)

“You’re getting worse than I thought” Gotta love that villain FauxShadowing. 

This is how y a do The Power of Friendship right, in my opinion.  

Now a rundown of my ships taking the exams/Studying!

Kamijiro!

Todomomo!

BKDK!  (Oh my god they’re the two halves of me taking a test)

Kirimina! 

We’re just missing Iidaraka

An approximation of my initial response to learning that the next arc would be about pairs of students fighting their teachers: YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TODOMOMO VS AIZAWA?! I’M TOO BLESSED COULD IT POSSIBLY GET ANY BETTER

OH MY GOD

YES IT CAN

BAKUDEKU VS ALL MIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG BEST PREMISE EVER (Or so I thought at the time, not to know that it could be topped. That’s MHA, always topping itself). Can I also just say that the design of the Final Exam arc is brilliant. I noticed this a lot in comparing it with the PL Exam later on, but I personally think of it as Hori’s own License to Print Character Development, and I absolutely approve.

This is probably the arc that changed the most from adaptation in manga to anime - and although I adored this arc in the anime the first time I saw it, there are a few changes in it that I think are actually not for the better. That’s to say, they make for more entertaining television, but they also change the characters.

Firstly, changing it so the tests happen one after another, instead of simultaneously like the manga, means that the characters have different amounts of time to strategize ahead of time. This puts a certain light on the big character moments in the arc, particularly Momo, Shoto, Deku and Kacchan. 4 of the top 5 smartest kids in class, and they don’t even try and strategize beforehand? Made sense in the manga where they had no shot, but in the anime, not so much. 

Second, also, Uraraka isn’t really the type to do this, she’s too laid back and Type B, so the anime having her strategize with Deku...I guess it’s a way to throw in some ship tease, but other than that it does nothing for her character arc, or any of the other seemingly random characters they throw into the strategy room along with them. Basically, it’s anime filler, so I don’t really care about any of it except Deku’s observations, since those are from the manga (he observes the others after he and Kacchan pass).

For the record: Manga Order: Todoroki and Momo vs Aizawa, intercut with Midoriya and Bakugo vs All Might; Todomomo first, BKDK second. Deku then observes the other teams for a few chapters as they all pass, with Mineta being last. 

So Fight #1 in the anime: Kiri and Sato vs Cementoss. There’s this lady on Youtube who did these really great analyses of the first four fights of the FE arc (never got around to doing the rest) so I’ll put links to her (Excellent!) analyses of those four fights. LINK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUABh3SiaMs

I’ve noticed that Kirishima is often the first one thrown under the bus in school exercises. This, the Joint Training Arc, the training camp...maybe that’s where his insecurity issues stem from. And with a little tease of Tsuyu and Tokoyami vs Ectoplasm, we leave off.

So yeah, another episode I really enjoy. I gotta tell you guys, the Final Exam arc is definitely a favorite of mine. I actually like it even more in the manga than in the anime, for the reasons I’ve outlined above, but it’s still a blast and I was so happy to see it as the next arc. i wasn’t ready for a new villain-based arc yet, and the sheer premise of BKDK Vs All Might is so amazing, I’m hyped as hell just remembering Episode 37. Oh, speaking of...

BKDK CORNER

We focus in on Deku, contemplating his Great Destiny, as Mina and Kaminari talk about how complacent they are in their chances of success. Cue Kacchan, like an embodiment of Deku’s subconscious, telling them off.

I’ll stop the world and melt with you.

This line has a bunch of different translations, all basically meaning ‘I’ll beat you’. The Shippiest is the English Dub, where he says “I’ll show you how much better I am.” Which plays into his Notice Me Senpai hidden attitude towards Deku. I think it’s a mix of both “I want to beat you” and “I want to impress you”. Deku is quiet here. He’s very quiet about his feelings for Kacchan throughout all of Season 2, but he still quietly demonstrates the importance of that dynamic through his actions in the Sports Fest (inspired by Bakugo) and his Full Cowling (also inspired by Bakugo).

Aw they were already standing together.

I’ll talk more on the symbolism of BKDK fighting All Might in Episode 37, but oh man, this is the best. Like, THE BEST. I love this fight. To Sum: They both want to be All Might, each is half of the whole, and they both have to expel that perfect-imperfect image of him they have to make it. Also, I totally think Aizawa and All Might ship it. “I went with relationships” Yup. You sure did, Aizawa.

BEST GIRL OF THE EP: No new best girls this ep

RANKER: Final Exam Arc Fights

10: MINETA AND SERO  VS MIDNIGHT

This one is really dull because Midnight just doesn’t do very much to win the fight. You need the teacher putting up more of an effort!

9. URARAKA AND AOYAMA VS 13

They just...kinda fluked their way into winning.

8. SHOJI AND HAGAKURE VS SNIPE

Poor Snipe, There’s not a lot he can really do in this situation

7. KIRI AND SATO VS CEMENTOSS

Short and quick and to the point.

6. MINA AND KAMINARI VS NEZU

Poor dopes never stood a chance.

5. IIDA AND OJIRO VS POWER LOADER

Short but kinetic and exciting.

4. TSUYU AND TOKOYAMI VS ECTOPLASM

Some good strategy here and Tsuyu did really great.

3.  KODA AND JIROU VS PRESENT MIC

Jiro is underrated best girl. 

2. TODOROKI AND MOMO VS AIZAWA

A brilliant fight of strategy and character development.

1 BAKUGOU AND DEKU VS ALL MIGHT

How could it be anything else?

[thecloserkin]

book review: C.J. Hauser, Family of Origin (2019)

Genre: the most literary of fiction

Is it the main pairing: yes

Is it canon: yes

Is it explicit: kinda

Is it endgame: no

Is it shippable: if you’re into unhealthy ships

Bottom line: i hate literary fiction. ok i don’t hate fiction obviously i just hate when it tries to be too literary?? u feel me fam

Two estranged half-siblings spend a week tying up loose ends on the remote island where their father died (it is unclear if he committed suicide). The “loose ends” are that they had sex once, as teenagers, and now it’s weird. The island is populated by cultists and nut jobs who are convinced it’s the end of days and evolution is going in reverse. I have… many equivocal feelings about this book. On the one hand there are so many lines that just peel me like an orange, lines like “There was nothing more humiliating to Elsa than her own desires” or “Elsa was never surprised when someone killed himself. She was only surprised by her own animal perseverance day after day.” Plus I think this book really gets the dynamic where they’re constantly needling each other and every interaction is doused in fifteen gallons of repressed attraction. I think this is a novel that accomplished everything it set out to do with assurance and aplomb; I’m just fundamentally uninterested in what it’s trying to do. It’s about damaged people who learn to heal but the problem is the healing is much less engaging than the hurting.

Here’s the difference between speculative fiction and literary fiction: SF/F presumes zombies are literal zombies. Instead of assuming the zombies metaphorically represent something abstract, you just take them at face value ok? You spot a time machine or a vampire, you take it at face value and you add additional layers of meaning later. Which puts me in a pickle because Family of Origin is decidedly not a genre book, so what am I supposed to think about Famous Bigshot Biologist Ian, Elsa and Nolan’s dad, and his reasons for relocating to this island? There’s no cell phone service; it is quite literally removed from civilization. When I said nut jobs I mean it’s populated by secessionists, survivalists, doomsday preppers, anti-establishment types of all stripes. And they have some kooky theories about ducks. Which Ian apparently subscribed to. If this was SF/F I would just go along with it because maybe Elsa and Nolan, having arrived on the island, will finish Ian’s life’s work and find this elusive duck and prove Charles Darwin wrong haha??? But it’s fucking literary fiction which means I have to look for SYMBOLISM gahhh kill me now.

C.J. Hauser knows what she’s doing. Her bio says she’s a creative writing instructor and you can see why. It sucks that “what she’s doing” only glancingly aligns with “what I want her to do,” but c’est la vie. I was immediately taken with her choice of island setting (remote islands breed intimacy!) and the familiar configuration of type-A older sister paired with a younger brother who begs for a scrap of notice or attention. From the get-go Elsa’s priority is control. Nolan’s is acceptance. This quote sums it up pretty handily:

The problem was that Nolan wanted answers, and Elsa wasn’t sure what she would do with answers if she found them.

Like, I personally identify more with Nolan than with Elsa, because there’s this sense of learned futility that I find kind of charming in him but everyone finds annoying af in me:

Nolan wished he could return to a time before anyone had any expectations for him.

Elsa, otoh. Here is Elsa thinking about her ex, a relationship she clung to well past the expiration date merely because he loved her more than she loved him back, and she wasn’t willing to give up that bargaining position:

As long as his side of their love had more ballast to it, she felt in control and like he would not leave. Everyone left Elsa, so she had to be sure.

Nolan and Elsa are certified disasters. They’re both so burnt-out, and twisted up inside with shame and guilt and impossible desires, and the island is the ideal backdrop for them to resolve their issues:

There was so much that was not allowed that the island seemed willing to permit. Things underwater. Things offshore.

That night, they made no pretenses about the sleeping bag and slept cupped like shells in their father’s bed.

Jesus Joseph and Mary this woman can write. I’ve even seen lines from this novel quoted in those tumblr compilation poetry posts.

Anyway Elsa and Nolan’s dynamic is they do not get along and they’ve never gotten along. It starts with Elsa’s resentment at being displaced by a new sibling, which was compounded by Elsa’s mom being divorced and replaced by Nolan’s mom. These kids have spent all their lives probing at each other’s weaknesses and I am reminded of a very apt line from a book that has absolutely jack shit to do with incest: “When siblings spar, the true cause is proximity.” This seems to apply to Elsa and Nolan’s situation more potently than most.

Will you just LOOK at this god-tier sparring though:

Nolan touched a drop of rain that hung by her ear, letting it spill onto his fingers. Elsa smacked his hand.

Don’t— Elsa began, but Nolan, dirty water dripping from his fingers, grabbed Elsa around the ankles and shook her, groaning, Graaghh! like some B-movie Swamp Thing from the deep, ready to pull Elsa into the pool. Elsa considered Nolan’s hands around her ankles.

It’s one part goofing off, one part competitive banter, and one part violent sexual tension . Elsa takes meticulous mental inventory of every instance of skin-to-skin contact and I’m like—girl you know it only means something if you let it? Who the hell pays that much attention every time their brother accidentally brushes shoulders with them?!

There was a knot between Elsa’s shoulders that twisted taut when she saw him.

Nolan is shiftless and aimless, doesn’t even have the balls to break up with his girlfriend, his internal monologue is a constant refrain of “Nolan wished there was some more-adult adult whose job this could be.” Child you are TWENTY-EIGHT years old and need to start owning your choices. I think this hypothesis that’s sorta floated in an early Elsa POV is pretty conclusively disproved in the course of the novel:

But people didn’t change. They just ran away from everyone who knew them too well so they could start over and do a better job of obscuring the worst parts of themselves.

Because they do change, both of them change and mend their ways and they become a family again and ok here’s where I have a problem with C.J. Hauser: Her idea is that you have to choose—Nolan is either Elsa’s brother or her lover:

And he understood then that he could have kept Elsa as a sister or slept with her. It was a choice, and what he’d just done was to have given her up.

It seems her whole motivation for seducing him was as a big fuck-you to their father. I’m not saying she was not attracted to him I’m saying her field of vision is dominated by Ian:

Everyone here is insane, Elsa said.

They have their reasons, said Nolan.

They have stories, not reasons.

What if you’re my story? What if the story of why I’m on this island is you?

What’s my story?

Your story is Dad.

Go to sleep.

Tell me a story.

Which is really sweet and I am a fiend for these callbacks that deliberately echo the older sibling interacting with the younger one as a baby, but Ian’s stature is such that he takes over everything?? We find out that he wasn’t that great of a scientist. That he wasn’t a great dad was clear from the start.

So the really interesting thing from a craft perspective is the climax of this book occurs in the middle of it instead of at the end. The only other novel I can think of that does this is Cloud Atlas but that has a very unique structure. The film The Talented Mr. Ripley also kind of does this?

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

It’s revealed that Elsa isn’t Ian’s biological child. Her mom had an affair and when Ian found out he divorced her and married Nolan’s mom. When Elsa learnt the truth, she took the radical step of sleeping with Nolan to prove a point, I guess? To wit: If she wasn’t Ian’s daughter then it wasn’t actually incest. If Ian was troubled then it must be because she was his daughter:

But you are this kid, her mother said. You’re so totally his kid that you think biology is the only way you can be his kid.

I’ll admit that the “they’re not related” reveal does in this instance actually serve a purpose, unlike in some other books (yup this is a Wasteland callout post). And it ties into the theme of biology, and the stupid elusive ducks that supposedly inhabit this godforsaken island:

”We’re no longer good at adapting to things in the natural world because it’s too hard to tell which parts are real anymore so we don’t know what to adapt to.”

So there you have it. Family of Origin is not a book that spoke to my soul but it is a devastatingly exquisite book, and it has a number of really shippable scenes even if the relationship taken as a whole is not one I was rooting for. Here’s Nolan trying to get laid at college:

He didn’t know what to do because there had only ever been Elsa that one time before and Elsa had known what to do.

And then he has a breakdown so bad that he calls Elsa??? For emotional support??? Even though she’s at least 50% of the reason he’s so broken. When Elsa shows up she says ”I drove over two goddamn hours so you could yell at me in person” lolololol every single line of dialogue is so on-point. Oh oh and Elsa biting his ribs and his neck while they’re lying half-naked in bed is another pearl of a scene.

I saved so many quotes from this book and half of them have nothing to do with incest but they’re SENSATIONAL so I’m going to end this review with an assortment of quotes:

that she was afraid to ask for small things like this because the need in them did not seem big enough to draw attention. That she was afraid her small needs would go unnoticed, and so she made plays at bigger ones instead.

Whatever inner thing guided normal people in their choices … Elsa’s was broken. Nolan had been her first wrong choice, years ago, and as much as she’d have liked to pretend she was different now, that it had been a stupid teenage mistake, there was too much other wrongness that came after. Dozens of dubious choices that all seemed to bloom outward from that first moment.

But no, there was a difference between realizing how wrongly he’d been made and the moment the wrongness actually happened.

Because it wasn’t perfect. Because she couldn’t tell the difference between unconditional and infallible.

Maybe the sooner Elsa stopped trying to hunt down some class of people who had all the answers—adults, scientists, Mars missions, Ian—the sooner she could stop the cycle of trying to win. Could look around and decide what kind of game might actually be worth playing.

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s03e05 Seven Seconds review - or more aptly named, the episode where I realize that my poodle knows his video games and that Nemo can actually grow up, and I’m so not okay with that.

Episode 05 – Seven Seconds

Hey y’all! So it’s Friday morning here for me, I’m super stoked because I’m fucking going to buy my first single-serve Nespresso espresso machine. Well, it’s not literally my first, but it’s the first one I’m going to purchase, for myself, so I’m stoked.

Alright, so this episode’s name is seriously cryptic. And I don’t like it. I really don’t. Seven seconds? Are they confused and meant ‘seven minutes’ like ‘seven minutes in heaven’? Meaning we finally get to see Derek and Penelope make out? No? DAMN. Well, you can’t blame a girl for hoping.

All right, let’s see what happens.

Yay!!!!! Kid birthday party! Oh shit, wait, this is Criminal Minds, why?

Oh god. Is a kid lost in the mall? Fuck. the poor lady.

Oh god. This is just awful. A girl was fucking abducted in the mall. Oh lord.

Wait. A girl was missing last week from the mall? Fuck. Oh god, now the mother is thinking about that girl and how that one was murdered. Oh boy.

Yay. Superhero team!

117 stores in one mall? Fuck, that’s a lot! Wait, it’s America. Never mind.

“You want every inch of surveillance footage?” “Yes. Because I need to examine it frame-by-frame to see if there’s anything in the background you guys missed. I also need a joystick controller, video transmitters, a coax cable, and a programmable park. And I don’t mean that hypothetically.”

My goddess is on the job.

“Yeah, what do you got?”

“Well, can’t you get a better angle?” “Sugar, I’m not London here.”

“Believe me when I tell you the 1980’s just called. They want their security system back.” Ooh, tech burn!

“Aw, you are breaking my heart, baby girl.” HEY! Hey! I am rooting for you like crazy here, Derek, but Baby Girl is doing her best. Don’t go blaming this on her.

NO! Bad puppy.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky: “Nothing is easier than denouncing the evildoer. Nothing more difficult than understanding him.” Well, I guess that is true. Damn. Russian genius right there.

Fuck. the kid has asthma. Oh my goodness gracious.

Hold up. Is that Nemo? Cuz I saw the name Alexander Gould. Oh man! That’s Nemo! Yay!!!! Wait. But he’s not lost. His cousin is. Oh this is messing up my head.

I really don’t like Nemo’s dad. He’s seriously being a bitch. Why blame your son? He’s a kid! He gets immersed in videogames. That’s natural.

Aww, Spencer and Derek trying to talk to Nemo is the cutest! I love those two so much.

Oh shit. Did Nemo just have a panic attack? Damn.

Oh god. They need to give up the only thing of Katie’s so the dogs can find her. Then they have to talk over the PA system about Katie. The poor mother.

Oh god. This is heartbreaking.

Oh my Penelope is amazing, she just said the word ‘Criminy’. I love her so much.

“I once followed Todd Cortel the entire length of Silver Beach because he had a kite.” Oh, honey. I love you so much.

And yeah, Katie was probably lured out of the arcade. Damn.

Oh my god, poodle just corrected Derek on a name of a videogame. I can’t get over it.

Aww, those two cuties trying to make Nemo comfortable enough to talk to them about the entire thing. Oh lord. I love them.

And now they’re trying to retrace his steps from the moment he stepped into the arcade. My two genius boys.

“What are they doing to my son?” Seriously? They’re trying to find your niece. You look remarkably calm for that.

Aww, Nemo wasn’t focused on his cousin because he experienced his first crush on a hot girl who was literally, and so obviously, making fun of him for being a jerk to Katie and beign a boy. Lol. Little punk.

Oh honey, a girl walks up to you and you offer her to play a Dead or Alive game? Where you shoot peoples’ faces off? So not hot.

Oh snap. Katie had a necklace. 24-karat gold and with real rhinestones? Yeah right, she found it in the schoolyard. Someone sick gave it to her.

Someone ripped the necklace off Katie’s neck? The kidnapping was personal. Someone who knew Katie. Shit.

So Derek and my poodle are going to search the house to see what’s up there. Awesome.

“Norman Rockwell couldn’t have painted it any cozier.” Um – someone please tell me who Norman Rockwell is, cuz for the first time I don’t get Reid’s reference and it’s bugging the shit out of me. Because it worries my chocolate god and I don’t like it.

The dad is hiding something. Or … oh my goodness fucking gracious.

NO! Don’t tell me that he …

“I taught my daughter well” – why wouldn’t he include his wife in his daughter’s education? Oh god, my mind is reeling over here.

I’m with Derek, Katie is six, it’s fine that she’s wetting the bed. Don’t read into it, Reid.

That is one messed up doll. What is Katie hiding?

Hotchner needs Morgan on this. I need Morgan on this. Fuck. I think it’s the uncle. Shit.

Aw, my poodle is the one interrogating Nemo. Awesome.

“So you’re becoming a man.” Aw, my poodle is talking about growing up. But you’re still so young, pretty boy. You’re so cute.

“Why are you asking me all these questions?” “Why are you avoiding them?’ DAMN, poodle. You’re good.

Wait. Hold up. He has a son and he can’t name his son’s friends? What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

Nemo stole earrings for a girl he liked? That doesn’t sound like Nemo.

Wait. He doesn’t even know his son’s crush’s name? What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking bastard?

God of Chocolate Thunder, I am so in love with you and your pretty brain right now. Yup. The wife was like, oh so you’re questioning my son and my husband? Okay. Just let us know what’s up.

SERIOUSLY?

You are one sick bitch if you think that. Because if I had a husband and a son, I would be worried sick about them being pulled in for interrogation, that is, if I were innocent and thought the FBI profiled them as guilty.

So, bitch, either you’re guilty, or you’re fucked up in the head.

Oh my poodle is so intuitive, I love you, poodle.

Ha! The fucker just confessed. Sick asshole molested his fucking niece. You asshat. Why would you do that to a six-year-old? I mean, fine, you molested your niece, but she’s six! You are one sick asshole.

Fine, you didn’t abduct her, but you’re going down.

Wait. Hold up. So he quit over a month ago, and yet his wife was ‘waiting to have a lighter engraved for him for his birthday’? Oh crap. It was the aunt.

SHIT!

You sick lady. I knew it! Emily, you smart cookie.

Wait. So they’ve been separated for over a month? Oh god. Oh god, that woman is one sick bitch.

Please find Katie.

Oh Emily, I like it when you get feisty. Rawr. I just fell in love with Paget, fuck. Why is this show making me question my sexuality all over again? What the fuck is wrong with you that you’re doing this to human beings??? I mean, I love you guys, but I’m definitely getting aroused by the women in this ensemble.

Fuck.

Can I just say? I just realized that Shemar is seriously a method actor. Before this, when they ran into the storage whatnot, he was literally running like in an army drill, like he had background in drilling and stuff. Amazing.

Oh thank god, they got Katie.

Wait. Hold up. She’s asthmatic, and they ductaped her mouth? Fuck, that lady is nuts.

Oh god, Derek holding the baggie of fluids, and Hotchner trying to revive Katie, shit. This is too much for me.

Oh thank god, she’s okay. Fuck. thank goodness.

I love you Hotch, I love you for not giving up on her.

Go to hell, aunt and uncle, you two are sick assholes.

Oh god, so he did remember Katie calling out his mom’s name, but he didn’t want to say anything because it’s his damn mother. I love you Derek, for being so understanding. You’re amazing.

Aw, Hotch has to come over to his wife’s sister’s to see his son? Hayley, you’re a bitch. He basically did half the active work in creating Jack. He should deserve some rights.

And Hotch’s head poking inside the door to his son’s room is the cutest ever.

G.K. Chesterton: “Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed.” Oh god, that Chesterton was fucked in the head.

So to sum up this episode, I can’t believe the aunt fucking abducted her niece because her husband was molesting the kid and she felt jealous. Oh my fucking god, people are so messed up in the head. Oh my god, Nemo as a teenager!!!!!!! I can’t quite get over the fact that actors actually grow up even though they are forever immortalized on screens as characters in a specific movie or TV show. Though with TV series it’s easier for me, since you see them evolve. But it’s still uber weird for me to see Nemo talking about girls. Hahahaha.

Really loved the Reid/Morgan dynamic in this episode, was seriously depressed there wasn’t really any funny moments, though I guess it was overshadowed by the seriousness of the case, and I guess I can pardon them for it.

Overall, amazing! I loved every minute, and was so glad that Katie wasn’t dead.

This one is kinda short, cuz I didn’t really know what to do with this episode, review-wise. But I’ll still see you guys for episode 6, sipping my Linizio Lungo coffee and munching on blueberries that I still cannot believe I’ve purchased in fucking Israel. (Berries are a rarity here, in this country all fruit are seasonal, unlike the US where you get whatever you want at all times, fuck I want to live there if only to enjoy whatever fruit I want all year-round. That’s why the vegans are so well-adjusted there)

I bid you adieu till we meet again, my fair followers, לן