#i said i would paraphrase the post and then i still typed all this shit lmao

[plazmafields]

It's ramble time because I started another playthrough of cyberpunk and have some Thoughts.

(Spoilers probably)

So I said in a previous post that I don't think Kerry is dating V just because Johnny's in his head, and I still believe that. However, I was also under the impression Johnny was a womanizer and way straight. However, now that they've fixed it so that what Johnny says is effected by your approval with him, Johnny's said some ... things. Things that make me think:

He's jealous of Kerry and V's relationship.

If you have high approval when Johnny gives you the quest Holdin' On, you can ask him why he and Kerry were always at odds. Johnny says something to the effect of: "Kerry could never decide if he wanted to fuck me or kick me out of the band. Problem was he has a dick, so I wasn't interested."

Now in my last 2.0 playthrough, my choices at the end of Phantom Liberty locked me into a low approval with Johnny that I couldn't come back from. With low approval, if you ask him in V's apartment if he's ok with you sleeping with Kerry, Johnny says (paraphrasing): "Sleeping with? He fucked you once. Don't get used to it."

However, with high approval he says: "Yeah. Kind of ironic, Kerry was always trying to get into bed with me and I guess he finally got what he wanted thanks to you."

V responds to this with: "You know, it's not always about you. Thought ever cross your mind?" And Johnny gives a snarky remark.

With low approval, Johnny is very defensive about Kerry sleeping with V. He and Kerry were friends, good friends, but even Johnny admits (while at his grave) that he never let anyone get too close to him. Kerry probably knew him second best after Alt, but how much of that was Johnny truly opening up, verses forced proximity? I really don't feel like Johnny is the type to be all "what are your intentions with my boy?" any time Kerry got a new boyfriend.

With high approval, Johnny still manages to make it about himself (as always), but for some reason his tone of voice sounds like he's not joking, he's genuinely thinking about whether this counts as him having fucked Kerry.

Now this leads me to ask: was it Johnny who had the crush on Kerry, and not the other way around? He brings it up all the time while you're doing Kerry's missions, but after Rebel Rebel, Kerry doesn't talk about Johnny unless you ask. None of the options when you talk to him at home mention Johnny, on the boat when he talks about Samurai, he doesn't bring up Johnny, and when he talks about starting a new chapter in his life you can ask "does this have anything to do with Johnny?" he says No very confidently, then takes a second to think and realize that none of this "rebirth" would have happened without V and Johnny. But (at least to me) he doesn't seem to consider Johnny part of his life anymore.

I think Johnny HATES that. I think Johnny always saw himself as hot shit and the most desirable man on the planet, and the idea that a gay man didn't want him drives him crazy. If Kerry were straight then of course he wouldn't fall victim to Johnny's charms.

If Kerry were bi (see my previous post if you wanna know my feelings on Kerry's sexuality in game vs in lore) then Johnny would have been able to convince himself Kerry just liked women more than men.

But he's not. Kerry's gay and somehow didn't want to ride Johnny seven ways to Sunday.

I don't know if that makes Johnny bi or not, but I really feel that Kerry wasn't the one who wanted to get into bed with Johnny, it was always the other way around.

~~~

I'm not convinced by this next part, but here's some tentative evidence to the contrary, if you wanna play devil's advocate:

In Kerry's sex scene, we see he likes something a little rough, and in some texts he mentions that he gets turned on when V is short with him (mainly thinking of the text convo you get if you start Phantom Liberty already dating Kerry).

Maybe Kerry likes when people play hard-to-get and ignore him, maybe he's got a bit of a humiliation kink going on, and maybe he got turned on by the way Johnny was always mean to him.

I feel like that's stretching things tho, we don't have a lot of evidence for that, just a text that was added after the initial release of the game, and a single slap in a cut scene.

Another thing to mention because I feel like I can't NOT mention it: why the fuck does Kerry look DIRECTLY into Johnny's eyes as he gets head from a fan on the stairs??? That kinda throws a curve ball into all of this and I'm not sure what to make of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[lokavisi]

Two days in a row I've posted a long UPG story. Well, here goes...

If you're reading this close to the time of posting, you can clearly see that my blog name here is Lokakind. AKA Loki's child. I know a lot of people use -son or -dottir as suffixes to denote their devotion or relationship to deity within the Norse pantheon. I chose a gender neutral variant since I'm nonbinary. Though when I was originally contemplating this name last year, I was searching general Old Norse words to use to make a name. Like, "Loki's wolf" or "Loki's fire," for example. Ultimately, I felt that I could never live into any of those names, so denoting the established relationship made the most sense. That said...one of the names I originally considered was Lokavísi, which means "Loki's Prince." Being transmasc, I quite liked the softer masculine term. The second the idea popped into my head Loki got all silly. Like He took my hand to kiss it and dramatically say, ~*♡My prince....♡*~ while fluttering His eyelashes. (That is typed as correctly as possible, lol.) But as much of a reaction as it got and as much as it gave me some gender euphoria, I still felt like giving myself a royal title felt presumptuous.

Cut to a few days ago when Loki and I started talking about family, and when he said my name (Rory, which I chose as part of my transition) it sort of hit different? I can't really explain it that well. It made me feel good to hear him say it, but he's said it before. There was nothing remarkably different in the circumstances of our conversation from previous ones. I just noticed a positive feeling within myself when he said it. I brought it up and he starting asking if I'd prefer another name like Tim or Boozlebub. (Yes, that is a name he said, and yes, that is how it was said/spelled. No, he did not misspeak "Beelzebub.") Anyway, in talking about names he said he liked me thinking of myself as His Prince. When I asked why he said, and I'm paraphrasing, that such a title still denotes lineage (being His child, if he is a King) while possessing power. Inherited power that, as a child of His, I am able to (or already) possess. He also reminded me that Rory means "red king" - I already "chose royalty" years ago.

So here I am now, typing this, to say that I might change it. And, returning to the words and names I looked up originally, I looked up the meaning again. The website I found some words from listed "vísi" as the Old Norse for "prince." I recognize subtler meanings can get lost in translation, especially with old languages, so I looked it up on other sites. From what I can tell, it's related to the Old Norse adjective víss, meaning "known" or "wise." The more precise definition for vísi was poet, leader, or chieftain. Visir means king, so also a leader, and as the weaker masculine nomative vísi would then be prince. If I understood everything correctly, anyway. Please feel free to point out any errors!

But this extra little bit of knowledge really intensifies the point, I think. He wants me to recognize the wisdom (and the power that comes from it) that comes from within myself and from my family of the Jarnviðr (aka the Ironwood), and make it known - show others that I possess it, that I know who and what I am, and am not afraid to be just that and utilize the power given to me. That allows me to be a great leader if in no other way than leading by example in how I live my life. As He said, I already chose leadership with my name anyway. But as Lokavísi, I would be doing so while acknowledging my relationship with him. It still feels intimidating to try to live into that name. I'm not just putting myself on the line - I risk smeering His name, too, if I chose to claim it and prove to be a shit leader. Though again, as He said, I already claimed leadership in my name, and I know He's gonna be a part of my life and leadership anyway. So is it really that scary to take on that name that I could already maybe be sort of living into anyway? I guess it's really not.

So yeah. That's probably change. And that's why. Not that I'm saying all this to justify the change to you. I don't care about that, lol. I wanted to share because our conversation and what came of it was so meaningful to me, and if it in any way resonates with others, I'd like to share that you all. I hope Loki's wisdom blesses you all ❤️

EDIT: It's not Old Norse. It's Old Icelandic. My bad!

[thisandthat-whatever]

once in a while I regret having deleted my old blog (tomh-tomh), and mostly because sometimes I do wish to pull up old content or old posts and say something in reference to them but they are permanently gone. 😬

Anyway, those who followed me back in 2017 era knows my long ass posts criticizing Zendaya’s lie/hide/deny strategy. It was her strategy which she proudly boasted about at that radio interview she gave. That is all she knew then and she thought it was a successful way to control what needs to be controlled publicly.

And as for Tom even though he was more experienced in making movies than her, she was more experienced with fame (although she too didn’t have the type of fame she has now back then either but she still had it more than him in comparison ) , so Tom respected her experience with fame and pretty much co-signed her strategy because he too believed it would work their way. That is also why I always said even though it was HER strategy, nobody put a gun to his head. He was the one doing the most extra by jumping behind cars because he too believed in that strategy as much as her and was on the same page as her. So, being on the same page with each other reinforced their false belief that this strategy would be best for them.

And my criticism toward them was that it was an ineffective strategy in the long term. It was almost borderline naive. And I knew it was going to cause them more weight on their shoulders than it needs to be if they continued hiding and denying. And I insisted that they could still be private but not secretive in the sense that denying the existence of their rs. And I said Z is very stubborn about her ways because she had done it with Trevor and thought she controlled the public narrative well then, so she has that “I have this shit down! My strategy rocks!” kinda attitude

So, they were just sticking to it stubbornly and naively but when anons used to ask me. I would always say (paraphrasing myself): “they will eventually find out that this strategy is not as effective as they think and that it is not that great to control the narrative the way they want for too long , but if I was her best friend and told her this, she would not listen to me. She believes in her strategy too much right now to step away and entertain other options. This is something both she and he will have to learn through experience and through trial and error and they will eventually inevitably find that hiding and lying is not the way to go and being private but not lying about it is their best option as it has been so for many other celeb couples.”. This is what I used to say often in 2017.

And now her saying basically how she has come to find hiding/lying is no fun and is not the ideal way to live in order to protect their rs makes me go ilike “aww, so nice to read that. It took her long, but of course she eventually came around like I knew she would”.

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

right so that moment has passed and now it turns out i do want to discuss my thoughts in some more detail lmao

like ok to be fair i'm an outsider to all this; i am not and never have been active in cpunk or -adjacent spaces. and i definitely feel like i have not seen the epicenter of this whole drama, since like. in browsing random disability blogs i have in the last week encountered multiple people whose posts for months have been 90% complaining about This Shit, and yet i have not encountered very much of the Shit in question at all?

like. i've seen a whole bunch of posts that go something like, "i can't believe abled NDs* have the gall to call us ableist bullies just for saying that chronic illness and autism are different experiences!", or like, "no matter how clear i make it that i'm talking about physical disability, all my posts end up with a billion notes tagged 'adhd' or 'depression' or whatever. why they gotta make everything about them! let us keep something to ourselves for once!", &/or c. usually in that order. but like... without the obvious middle stage where they argue on their blogs with actual objectors to this "let this be just for us" plea. so like maybe they've deleted most of those posts, or maybe the central example is on some cpunk bnf's blog which i just haven't happened to click on yet. idk. but my point is

that from my outsider's perspective it feels like a huge and sudden escalation? to have gone from "ugh not every post has to be about you; read the actual words i wrote, don't just pretend they said something else that you like better!" to, like, "in case you needed more proof that all abled NDs are ableist scum" rallying-the-troops type posts

and wow! i hate it! i cannot actually imagine a level of vitriol from The Other Side that would justify this bullshit.

i want, like?--i sorta hope that somewhere i've missed there's like, a long manifesto from the aforementioned (hypothetical) cpunk bnf about why they and their friends have suddenly decided that neurodivergent people don't count as disabled. even if i probably wouldn't agree with it, i'm still like. that should exist. you can't just start Asserting stuff like that, at people you know will take offense, without explaining anywhere why you've adopted these different discourse norms.

(or i mean--you can, but if you're not trying to escalate conflict then you really shouldn't.)

but.......... also it makes sense. not morally! but. logically. it seems to be a common problem with any echo-chambery discursive space? i remember when i was ~18-21 and much more Online, i would drink some shiny new kind of SJ koolaid and then forget within weeks that people who hadn't drunk that koolaid didn't know what it tasted like.

e.g. after that post that's like (i'm paraphrasing) "the expression 'boys will be boys' should be replaced with 'bad parenting leads to assholes'" got super popular, for years whenever i heard someone say "boys will be boys" i assumed they were either endorsing or deliberately mocking the sexist baggage with which i associate that phrase. when... no, pal; it's a common phrase. you have zero information about what it signifies in random strangers' minds

so like, i'm guessing that's what's gone on here? like like like, backing up a bit: i sympathize with and frequently feel for myself these people's rancor about mental illness (and, though to a much lesser extent, autism and adhd) being the public face of disability. and particularly the thing where like--

ten or fifteen years ago, when i first encountered awareness-raising activism about mental illness, a lot of it took the form of "you wouldn't download a car"-type comparisons with injury, illness, and/or central examples of physical disability. as in, like, rebuffing "your [mental illness accommodation] is just a crutch!" with "imagine telling someone on actual crutches that they shouldn't rely on a crutch" &c.

when what their intuition told them was about physical vs. mental or visible vs. invisible illness was really more about acute vs. chronic illness.**

and like a. this mistake is very annoying, since it leads to a lot of mentally ill/invisibly ill people assuming incorrectly that physically disabled/visibly ill people don't get doubted and belittled the same way they do, when uhhhh guess again.

but also b. it means that while from my perspective it seems super mega obvious that mental illness is the public face of disability in 2023, many people who care a whole lot about activist efforts on behalf of mental illness but who don't know much about other kinds of disability activism still, erroneously, inexplicably think that the reason they don't see as many campaigns like this for other kinds of disability is because physically disabled people are seen/accepted already and don't need to fight for that the way mentally ill people did/still do.

when like.

...this is such a tiny example but i'm bitter about it so: the other day on my university campus i saw a fundraising booth about support for mental illness. you can't log in to our canvas page without seeing a mental health hotline pop up in the corner. nearly every professor i've had here has at some point gone on a tangent about how important it is to support mental health. many times we've had little impromptu class discussions about the unique struggles faced by people with (always this phrase) "invisible illnesses like depression." my school is really really loud about how much it cares about student mental health.*** and i don't think any of these people know that when i encounter these pronouncements i feel like my own experience has been overlooked

so yes, ok? it pisses me off also when mentally ill/neurodivergent awareness-raisers, activists, and people generally think it's like. an underdog move. punching up, if you will. to reblog posts about chronic pain/other phsyical disability and add "this can apply to mental illness, too!" as if that's a mindblowing revelation to us stuckup, old-guard invalids when like. y-yeah, we know that mental illness also sucks. many of us (raises hand) experience it ourselves, and even if we haven't? we too have seen the internet. the mental illness experience is way more legible to the general public than ours is, so it's really fuckin annoying when people co-opt descriptions of our experience to be about theirs.

but like. the fact you (a physically disabled blogger) have now had this conversation with your (also physically disabled and blogging) friends doesn't mean you get to treat people who weren't in on that conversation like hopeless reactionaries??? this is like me in 2012 seeing the term "friend zone" as a red flag no matter who flew it, even though 2011 me had used that term nonjudgmentally and had no inkling of its entitled/sexist undertones.

like i can remember the exhaustion of communicating with waves of internet strangers who can't be bothered to backread your blog a few pages before commenting on some viral post but. th-that is the thing that's occurring here?? multiple waves of people who, each, individually, see something that without context looks inflammatory. not one wave of pigheads who refuse to listen.

*their term, not mine. don't like this at all myself. see previous post

**though to be fair, i don't doubt that plenty of otherwise-healthy people have been accused of "attention seeking" even for, like, a sprained ankle. or for still audibly sniffling when they come back to work after having had the flu. some people are just....? dicks? just dicks. if you can imagine a bad behavior, it's probably common somewhere.

****does this decrease the rate of mental illness in our student body? hahahaha no, probably not

[tobaricity]

I'm super late to make this post but since I've known for a while and am here, i feel obligated to say that yes, I'm aware satoshi won the alola league and I'm super proud of him

Aside from a few idiots (people upset that satoshi won this league and not an earlier league where he was "better" like sinnoh or kalos) it seems people have been largely supportive and i loved seeing all the cute art that came with the news. I can understand wishing it didn't take this long but most the people mad about it just hate the sm series as a whole

I had a whole post typed up just in case satoshi did lose but it seems like i won't have to post it. I will paraphrase it though

I never understood people who get mad at satoshi for losing leagues because to me, it always seemed super obvious that from like, sinnoh onward, maybe hoenn, he was always capable of winning one, and the only thing holding him back was the writers just simply not wanting him to win. Like i can see why satoshi would lose the kanto-hoenn leagues, you could say he was still honing his skills as a trainer and had things he needed to work on. But after hoenn it felt less like his own shortcomings were holding him back and more like "there just happened to be someone a little better." Which i guess you could argue that his "shortcoming" was not quite being in peak form yet, and yes in any sport the reality is that sometimes there will just be people better than you no matter how hard you train, but it was so obvious that these people were thrown in just to keep satoshi from advancing. Like these people would always conveniently be absent throughout the show before finally showing up just in time for the league (though in the case of alan he was around longer but he only decided to join the league at the last minute lol). How does that not click in people's head. How do you not see such an obvious interference and just go "oh well ash is just a bad trainer lol." Like hello????

The most egregious example is arguably tobias lol they straight up had to give him legendaries because they couldn't justify satoshi losing to him after defeating shinji otherwise

It doesn't particularly upset me too much because i move on easy but it definitely is dumb and I'm glad sm didn't seem to take that route. As far as a know alola didn't have any "mystery competitors" or randos who show up just in time for the leaague, everyone who participated is someone who's been set up long before the league started

So yeah, congrats to alola champion satoshi! It was a long-awaited and well deserved win

[defilerwyrm]

Ok but what's your favourite parts about shadowgast, why does it scratch all the right places? 👀

It’sabouttheyearning.jpg

There’s so much to love. Clearly I have a TYPE, as my experience with choosing favorites went about like

Friend who got me to watch CR: So who’s your favorite so far?

Me: Shit how do I choose? They’re all great. Toss-up between Molly, Caleb, and Beau I think?

Caleb: *reveals his Tragic Backstory*

Me: never mind, that one, it’s that one

So I guess it was inevitable. Honestly? The BEST thing about it? Is that the talent behind Caleb ACTUALLY, PERSONALLY CONFIRMED THE ATTRACTION IS REAL. Multiple times. Not just in “nod nod wink wink say no more” encouragement to the fandom out of appreciation for his character’s popularity, but STRAIGHT UP SAID THIS MAN IS BISEXUAL AND ATTRACTED TO ESSEK IN MULTIPLE WAYS

Which means that if Liam ever nuts up there is a very real chance of it becoming canon. Like, not tinhatting, but an actual, real chance, and even if they never hook up, it is fucking canon that Caleb is into Essek. As badly as I’ve been burned by SPN and the MCU, and even to an extent Hannibal—gods know I love Bryan Fuller & co but as a frustrated queer man I’m allowed to be a little grumbly over (paraphrased) “they’re in love, it’s a love story, but not ~PHYSICALLY~”—my interest in Shadowgast was tentative at best until I reached that particular Talks Machina. And now they’re both escalating, manhandling each other, favoring each other, showing off for each other, like...this shit is real, and I’m reeling from it. This isn’t something queer people normally get to HAVE in media, especially queer men. But CR? CR puts blatant Shadowgast fanart on their official website and displays it in their fucking streams. I would say I have no words, but... *gestures at this post* ...clearly I fucking do, lol.

Normally we’re relegated to smirking subtext or established background couples that hold hands in the suburbs. There are countless stories in media of men who are, in subtext, very clearly bonded romantically, but textually “””really good friends””” or “””like brothers”””. Despite all our progress since the Hays Code, men in media by and large don’t get to have their attraction to each other treated as an explicit thing with real potential to be explored as a romance. They just don’t. It’s still too taboo. So for Liam to just casually say “Yes, the attraction is real” (again, paraphrased but only in terms of word order) is fucking monumental. So it gives me hope, something I’ve been short on for most of my life and that has not served me well in the past.

It has certainly helped to watch the rest of the cast’s /fucking faces/ during their Moments and know they ship it as hard as anyone.

But that’s all extradiegetic. Diegetically, I’m a sucker for narrative parallels, and Caleb has made the parallels of their trajectories explicit. I sat up and went 👀 the first time Caleb went out of his way to touch Essek, and they’ve been in orbit with each other ever since. So there’s an element of that “shared life experience” thing I love so much in Stucky: they understand each other in a way that no one else understands either of them; they mirror each other’s ambitions and transgressions, each other’s strengths and flaws. They have so much to offer each other even aside from their similarities as grown “gifted children” with tragic crimes in their pasts: an exchange of experience in culture and class; their forward-thinking imaginations; their loyalty, previously sworn to no one; their resources, both the disparate and dirty and desperate from Caleb, and the refined and academic and political from Essek; their power, in terms of magic and intellect and sheer will (power exchange joke goes here).

They are the sun and the moon and I ache for an eclipse.

All this, and the fact that they should by rights hate each other, but both are apostates in their own way; both long for change and are willing to break reality to achieve it. They could bring out the best in each other or the very worst. They are a volatile mix and I want to see what new molecule will come of their atoms bonding, as well as the explosive chemical reaction when it forms. They are a perfect match that should have been perfect nemeses, had things played out just a little different for them both. What’s more beautiful than that? What’s more powerful than that? To see these two men who are nuclear reactors, who are stars, spiral together through the dark, on track to crash together and leave nebulae in their wake. There is so much potential energy generated when they sway close and every week we come closer to it becoming kinetic.

I should temper my expectations. I’m not a prognosticator, as my history has clearly fucking shown time and again; I can’t know that it’s a WHEN and not an IF. But the odds, man. They’re the best goddamn odds I’ve ever had.

Now here at the end of this I should disclaim that I have drunk half a bottle of $4 strawberry wine so please excuse me drunkenly waxing poetic like the pretentious piece of shit I am. Thank you and good night

[preemshots]

johnny + the nomads lore

alright, i know this is a screenshots blog but i'm going to go ahead and start dropping some juicy lore tidbits as i dig them up. part of what i'm doing outside of just photo diarying is shard hunting, and BOY is there a lot the game likes to hide in those little shards for idiots like me who like to read so we can write unnecessarily accurate fanfiction! 

full disclosure, i know jack shit about the TTRPG/cyberpunk 2020 rulebook except what i read in the wikis. 

so here’s my lore roundup so far of everything i know about johnny joining the nomads

we know johnny likes to narrate v’s quest objectives. here’s the first mention where he says it himself: 

during the voodoo boys quest "transmission" there's a shard in the maglev tunnels beside the ice bath, presumably from brigitte's research into johnny in the first place:

okay, so the timeline is this: johnny joins the nomads after trying and failing to rescue alt. johnny hides out in the badlands for some years. then he and rogue come back to night city and nuke arasaka tower help alt escape the arasaka subnet by uploading liberator to their network once and for all.

this ultimately makes sense. in alt’s flashback, we meet santiago, who is a nomad/connected to nomads, joins rogue and johnny when they're trying to get alt back, and eventually becomes the leader of the aldecaldos. 

part of santiago’s TTRPG lore is that he, johnny, and rogue have to lay low in the badlands with nomads after they storm arasaka headquarters (i am aware the game takes many liberties with the original lore so who knows the full accuracy of anything from the original rulebooks)

ENDING spoilers: in the rogue+johnny storming AHQ ending, it's revealed that rogue has a son while they're prepping for the job. if you eavesdrop on her calling him while you're at the afterlife, you hear her tell her son to (paraphrasing here) "pull over and look at the stars", which immediately made my brain go to: nomad, badlands, santiago = dad? maybe. (santiago also canonically has a son according to the TTRPG lore)

this immediately reminded me of another interesting shard that i believe you can find in multiple locations around night city: “"what REALLY happened in arasaka tower?“

i love this dang shard. at first i thought it was just a cute conspiracy with some juicy gossip (and i love how 99% of the shards that mention johnny in this game are reminding us that he's not a real rebel, he's a poser) but it brings some interesting shit together

one: it tells us where johnny got his hands on the nukes! he and the nomads jumped a militech convoy and jacked some bombs! 

which is never directly explained, even as saburo arasaka is interrogating him shortly before using soulkiller. very nice of johnny to protect his homies like that. 

...or maybe he didn’t. saburo emphasizes that the dead don’t lie like the living do, and we don’t know what exactly arasaka did to johnny’s construct in mikoshi. 

it also explains why the obvious media narrative is that militech nuked arasaka, a nice neat political bow to the end of the fourth corpo wars, which is an entire section of the TTRPG lore that makes my eyes cross when i read it. 

it also makes the star/nomads ending extremely interesting, because i originally believed it was the ending where V’s journey deviates the most from rewalking johnny’s path... which also has weird implications if the johnny’s nomad era is being kept from v. 

(this also leads into my belief that the star ending/the devil ending are narratively two sides of the same coin, but that’s a WHOLE ANOTHER POST for another day.)

TWO, just straight up the fact that they turned the raid where they actually obtained the nukes into an action flick BD that pretty much ANYONE could watch. who the hell was doing that?? 

well, who else other than the guy who johnny (optionally) punched the shit out of for filming alt's death: thompson, media guy, and according to rogue, “bad luck”. because you know, recording your crimes is straight up evidence that can be used against you.

during the alt flashback we meet thompson, and just after that in cyberspace before meeting alt, johnny tells v that he has no idea what happened to him and that they never worked together again. 

oh, johnny, you lying bastard man

this is blatantly untrue, and if V even had two braincells and better memory than a goldfish they'd know this--in the first flashback sequence where johnny and rogue nuke arasaka tower, thompson is on the comms as they ride the AV towards AHQ, questioning their plans and use of violence. 

which leaves me with some questions, like where the fuck is thompson, why does johnny keep lying about this, why doesn't johnny say almost anything about how you interact with the aldecaldo clan nonstop throughout the game when he himself may have been a member of the family for some time?? is he continuing to protect the nomad clan that saved his ass? we know that a lot of his flashbacks are unreliable at best, that johnny changes shit up as desired when presenting V with his memories.

in 2077, you can also find that there’s a remake of “badlands raid” in the shard “new release braindances” that is pretty much everywhere. that shard doesn’t add much, but does mention something along the lines of “many people don’t know the ending of the original” which probably means johnny punched thompson out for filming again, or something. 

my running theories: rogue ditched santiago and the aldecaldos with johnny and thompson to nuke arasaka tower, and when johnny died she was stuck looking for (heavily implied by johnny here:) corpo sellout ways to survive.

adam smasher obviously has something to do with this since johnny/rogue's vendetta against the guy isn't entirely clear beyond the smokescreen of "he killed johnny and he sucks". i have done 0 research into this though i'm tired of typing okay

i obviously cannot be certain i have found everything related to this in the game as i’m not even done with this playthrough where i’m trying to pay attention, but i hope this is fun for someone else to dig into. 

enjoy, fellow silverhand freaks

EDIT: additional findings

ALRIGHT I HAVE DONE MORE DIGGING AND I AM BACK WITH MORE NOMAD/JOHNNY FINDINGS. these ones are kind of a bummer but VERY interesting.

there’s a shard called “excerpts from a history of the nomads by bb pires” that goes into detail about how nomads came to be

there’s an interesting quote in it: It's hard to imagine a group less inclined to wandering than farmers, but in fact they were the ones who sparked the age of nomads. Natural catastrophes, crops ravaged by bioplagues, armed conflicts and martial law allowing corporations to speculate and privatize land - all this forced them into a life on the road.

when you ask johnny why he wants to take down arasaka, he begins by referencing this himself!!

it’s a little awkward to imagine a nomad V doesn’t also know what he’s referencing, but hey, V is the fool because we are as players and that’s only one life path... so sure.

johnny also has unique dialogue during this scene about a nomad origin V, telling them that he’s been trying to understand how V thinks, and came to the conclusion that “their family was a crutch” and essentially made them stupid because they always had a safety net (lmao johnny calling v privileged basically)

BUT this also may reference why johnny would find it confusing as hell that V doesn’t immediately share the views he does when nomads, in terms of values, seem to be more aligned with johnny than V is. but once again V is the fool for a reason and this is all my own speculation so YOU KNOW.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, at the end of chippin’ in, when you ask johnny what he meant by letting down his friends... santiago is named directly

i thought this was interesting since the only glimpse of their relationship that we get is seeing johnny meeting santiago via the alt flashback for the first time.

so now it’s obvious that while johnny and rogue were with the nomads their friendship developed, and johnny went on to disappoint santiago in some way by being his normal dickhead self

but HOW? how did he disappoint santiago? is santiago even still alive?? did smasher kill santiago and is this why rogue mentions during chippin’ in that she wants smasher to “settle a score” moreso than avenge johnny??

the only additional hints i have are from this shard, which you can find at the aldecaldos camp: “nomads at ground zero”

i’m just gonna transcribe here and bold for emphasis:

It was no secret that Night Corp offered generous pay and, in some cases, free cyberware and biomonitor upgrades to anyone willing to help clean up the crater of radioactive rubble at AHQ ground zero. Some firsthand accounts recall the incessant ticking of Geiger counters, like the loud buzz of cicadas in summer. In retrospect, we can only guess how many "crater cleaners" lost their lives to radiation sickness shortly thereafter. Both the city government and Night Corp have claimed casualties were kept to a minimum, while providing no official statistics to substantiate the claim. That being said, they have never been under pressure to release such figures. After all, most rescue, engineering, and rubble cleanup teams were not local Night Citizens, but nomads. Surprised you didn't know? Don't be. It is a fact many history courses tend to overlook. The city employed hundreds of nomad mercenaries, primarily from clans in Aldecaldo nation. These nomads were hungry for gainful work and the city needed experts who were not only experienced but brave enough to knowingly put their lives on the line - all so Arasaka could one day erect another tower in its place. But history is not without its sense of irony. These nomads, who so deliberately live outside our so-called "system," came to its very rescue. Not for the first time. And not for the last.

a main theme we find in this game is the idea that the system of corps and exploitation cannot be stopped by grandiose rebellious gestures--no amount of samurai songs, assassinating mayors, or even planting nukes in towers will change things. yet johnny, his friends and mercs at atlantis in the 2020s, including rogue, chose to rebel any way they could, thinking it better than not. johnny criticizes her lack of rebellious spirit CONSTANTLY in 2077.

but ultimately, johnny, trapped in mikoshi, didn’t get to see the outcome of what detonating the AHQ nukes did to night city’s fragile ecosystem. rogue, however, did--and likely watched their former allies, the aldecaldos, be forced to take dangerous work at AHQ’s ground zero (from lack of other opportunities as detailed in this shard), then die from radiation sickness throughout the following decades, all as a result of what she and johnny did to try and fight the system. and she also watched all the former mercenaries of atlantis be hunted down by arasaka.

so rogue sees firsthand what the cost of rebellion is and johnny doesn’t. and nomads, considered the most free of any of the factions we encounter in the game, are the cost.

[retro-scorpio]

The Arcana Meets The Devildom (Part Seven)

The Evolution of MC’s Relationship With The Residents of The House of Lamentation

Author’s Note: Even though the MC described in the following post will be based on myself, I will not be using my actual name, a fictional name, or gendered pronouns for MC at this time. I still want it to be accessible to people, and I feel like giving a name/gendered pronouns to my version of MC will remove a layer of that accessibility. Plus, it will (hopefully) allow people to insert themselves, their version of MC, and/or their OC into this if they so choose. Also, this is going to end up being a long post that uses explicit language, so if that’s not your thing, you can just scroll past this.

Fictional Backstory: Upon dying from the Red Plague, MC finds themselves not in the afterworld that they had familiarized themselves with, but plopped down in the student council room of the Royal Academy of Diavolo with only the memories of the faces they left behind in Vesuvia and the knowledge of the magic they learned while they were still ‘”alive”. Once MC passes through the portal to return to the human world after their second stint in the Devildom, they find themselves back in Vesuvia due to Asra raising them from the “dead”. Neither the residents of Vesuvia nor the Devildom know that they’ve dealt with the same MC until after Julian, Asra, and Lucio’s arrival to the Devildom. Let’s just say everyone was in for a treat when their beloved MC strolled into the residence they were visiting and said hello to the Vesuvian person in the room.

Julian: MC’s main lover in Vesuvia. MC actually developed a crush on the plague doctor when they were his apprentice, but due to the relationship they had with Asra at the time, they kept their feelings to themselves. What MC likes the most about Julian (besides his good looks) is his sense of humor, because it shows the full range of his personality: intelligent and witty yet goofy and a little stupid. When it comes to bedroom activities, MC and Julian keep things fresh and exciting. There are times where they’ll do the good ol’ missionary sex, times where Julian will fuck MC silly (usually after an evening show at the community theater in Goldgrave when Julian just has so much adrenaline from acting on stage that he can’t sit still), and times where MC will edge Julian and make him beg for his orgasm. 

Out of the three Vesuvian men, Julian is the most understanding and accepting of MC pursuing other people romantically during their stay in the Devildom. To paraphrase Julian, MC was considered dead in Vesuvia for the three years MC spent in this other world, and his relationship with MC didn’t start until after MC rose from the dead/returned from the Devildom, so he considers it a part of MC’s past that they should not feel ashamed of. MC enjoys the fact that Julian gets on with her Devildom friends/lovers as well as he does for a variety of reasons (as you, the reader, will see unfold in this post and in others).

Lucifer: MC’s main lover in the Devildom. MC developed a crush on the eldest demon brother pretty much the moment they set eyes on him, but unfortunately for MC, Lucifer initially saw them as a weak human exchange student that he was forced to take care of. Lucifer’s impression of MC only worsened when they went up the stairs to the attic, and MC was incredibly heartbroken and pissed when they found out that Lucifer was the one responsible for locking Belphie up in the attic and deceiving the other brothers about Belphie’s whereabouts. These feelings culminate in the underground tomb. MC, incredibly angry at Lucifer and yet (somehow) wanting to gain his approval, wraps Lucifer’s hands around their neck and dares him/gives him permission to kill them as punishment for allowing Luke access to the House of Lamentation and dragging Beel in their shenanigans. 

Initially after this incident, Lucifer and MC wanted very little to do with each other, but as time wore on, they slowly grew closer to one another. MC’s crush on Lucifer resumed, albeit cautiously, and Lucifer started developing feelings of his own towards MC, although he would have never admitted that to himself or anyone else, not even Asmo (who sensed Lucifer’s crush on MC perhaps even before Lucifer himself did). Perhaps Asmo was on to something, because why would Lucifer feel as betrayed as he did when MC told him that they had met Belphegor? Sure, he felt that MC had just put his entire family at risk of experiencing Diavolo’s wrath, which is a decent enough reason to become irate at someone, but there was something else that was feeding into his anger as well, something that was related to love. MC, in a fit of passion and after Mammon, Levi, Satan, Asmo, and Beel entered the room and tried to stop Lucifer from annihilating MC, grabbed a nearby knife and chopped two of their fingers off, staring Lucifer dead in the face and not shedding a single tear (due to adrenaline numbing the pain). 

Once the situation with Belphegor was resolved and the youngest brother was allowed to live with the rest of his family again, Lucifer calls MC into his study and put their fingers back on with some sewing and a bit of magic. Just as MC is about to leave, Lucifer tells MC that he’s sorry. MC, understand that it takes a lot for the Avatar of Pride to apologize, forgives him, and Lucifer thanks them for their forgiveness. This interaction would be the catalyst for their romantic relationship, and they would eventually repeat this exchange when MC is about to kill Lucifer with the Night Dagger.

Lucifer and MC’s romantic relationship is one built on admiration for each other. Get Lucifer drunk on Demonus, and he’ll blab all about how much he adores everything about MC. The pair can usually be found in one of four places at the House: Lucifer’s study, the library, the music room, and Lucifer’s bedroom. The library and music room are safe places for the couple to be discovered in, for they’re either reading (library) or listening to the other play music (music room). Lucifer’s study is a bit of a gamble, for they could either be working on paperwork/schoolwork in each other’s company, or Lucifer could have MC bent over his desk and ramming his dick in and out of them.

As for Lucifer’s bedroom, it’s best for everyone involved if no one disturbs Lucifer and MC. Most of the time, Lucifer uses his bedroom to explore MC’s kinks. About half the time, it gets sexual; the other half is mere discovery of what MC likes and what MC deems as limits. Sometimes, when Lucifer just wants to be close to MC, they will do the good ol’ missionary. MC is one of two people that can get Lucifer to submit to them, and that happens only when the eldest demon brother wants a break from being in charge of everything.

Lucifer was pleased to find out that not only did MC and Julian know each other, but that they started a romantic relationship when MC returned to Vesuvia. Since Julian is (sort of) the Vesuvian version of him, it raises his pride (and ego) to discover that they both fit MC’s type. If MC doesn’t bring the idea up first, he might just suggest bringing Julian into some of their bedroom activities.

Mammon: One of MC’s fuck buddies in the Devildom. Initially, Mammon and MC vehemently hated each other. Mammon thought that MC was a pretentious snob, and MC believed Mammon to be a complete and utter asshole. Whenever they were near each other, they would inevitably butt heads and argue loudly, to the annoyance and shock of everyone else.

One of these arguments occurs in Mammon’s room. Lucifer had sent MC in there to help tutor Mammon, since they were doing well in the classes that Mammon was failing. MC gets frustrated that Mammon isn’t even trying to get the material, and Mammon accuses MC of only helping him in order to stay on Lucifer’s good side. MC lets a compliment slip when they yell at Mammon, “If I didn’t think there was a way for you to wrap your brain around this, I wouldn’t still be here!” Mammon stares at MC as MC processes what they just said, and the pair are so still and quiet that someone could hear a pin drop. Then, as if someone hit the fast forward button, Mammon pounces on MC, and they aggressively make out. Thirty minutes later, both are a naked, sweaty mess on Mammon’s couch, and the room reeks of what they’ve just done. Thank goodness demons can only impregnate when it’s mating season...

When Mammon isn’t fucking the shit out of MC (which is what usually happens when MC and Mammon get together sexually, despite popular belief), the pair is seen tinkering around with Mammon’s car. While MC does still tutor Mammon at times, Mammon’s (finally) at a point where he’s at least passing all of his classes. Mammon sometimes takes MC out with him to his modeling gigs, which has resulted in MC ending up on the cover of a couple magazines.

When Mammon found out about MC’s other life in Vesuvia, he initially got really jealous of Julian, but that feeling quickly got replaced with something else when he found out about the nature of MC and Lucio’s relationship. In his ongoing attempt of earning all the Grimm in the world, Mammon gets the “brilliant” idea to film a really filthy porno starring him, Lucio, and MC (with MC’s consent, of course). Mammon also likes taking naps with MC and Julian for some reason that he still doesn’t quite understand.

Levi: One of MC’s friends in the Devildom that they hooked up with once. Levi hated MC long after the TSL trivia showdown, and MC had no idea why. At first, MC chalked up Levi’s hatred towards them to his feelings about losing to someone he deemed inferior to him, but as time went on and Levi still was acting cold towards them, MC felt that there was something else that was upsetting Levi. As it turns out, it all boiled down to Levi’s sin: envy. Levi was jealous of MC on a multitude of levels. He saw how MC was acing the subjects that he struggled in; he saw how well MC got along with everyone; and he even saw how easy it was for MC to express their feelings for someone. Long story short, Levi felt inadequate against and unworthy of spending time with MC, and he hated both himself and MC for it.

All it took for him to change his mind was an impromptu family gaming night in Levi’s room. The game? DarioKart (the Devildom equivalent of MarioKart). Levi was winning every single race he was in, even against decent racers like MC, Beel, and Lucifer. Asmo, being the Avatar of Lust, was the first to discover that Levi’s skills at DarioKart was causing MC to, shall we say, look at the third-eldest demon brother in a new light. At Asmo’s advice, MC whispered in Levi’s ear that if he won the next race he competed in, they would make this a night to remember. MC gave him a kiss on the cheek, and that was enough motivation for him to destroy his opponents in his next race. With Lucifer (who was in the loop due to Asmo having a quiet conversation with him during the race) and Asmo’s help, Levi and MC were able to have some privacy.

Once everyone’s out of the room, MC moves from their spot on the floor and straddles Levi’s lap, which causes Levi to turn red and begin stuttering. MC moves Levi’s fringe out of his eyes and tells him how hot Levi was, winning so many times. Before Levi can reply, MC leans in and kisses him. Unsurprisingly, Levi’s shy at first, because he’s scared that MC’s going to pull away in disgust or that he’s going to wake up and find out that all of this was a dream; however, when neither one of those things happens, Levi gets more bold as he gains confidence. This slow, sensuous make-out session eventually leads to MC blowing him in his gaming chair, and after that evening Levi starts treating MC nicely (for some totally unknown reason (ha ha)). There is not a second sexual encounter, but Levi’s perfectly content with the one. All he needs MC to do is to hang out with him and watch anime and/or play video games.

Levi was excited when he found out that MC knew Julian and Asra, because that meant that he could invite the three of them to his room and know that they genuinely wanted to be there. Sure, Henry 2.0 is a nice enough friend, but Levi comes to discover that having human friends is just as good as having an animal companion.

Satan: MC’s (kind of) ex-turned-best-friend. MC first had their eyes on Satan when they entered his room for the first time and saw the sheer volume of books he had in his possession. MC’s crush on Satan grew when he was a guest speaker in their curses and hexes class. To put it simply, MC found Satan’s intelligence incredibly sexy. Similarly, when Satan was tasked with proofreading MC’s Devildom Literature essay, he discovered that the quality of writing was as good as his, that the points MC made in the essay were intelligent and pertinent to the topic of their essay, and that they had no grammatical, spelling, or formatting mistakes, he nearly busted a nut right there in the classroom.

MC and Satan’s romantic relationship blossomed after the incident that occurred between MC and Lucifer in the underground tomb, and the pairing was (surprisingly) a healthy one. Satan looked out for MC and defended them whenever Lucifer was criticizing them (both in front of MC and behind their back), and MC helped Satan to not only discover his own identity outside of being Lucifer’s spawn and the Avatar of Wrath, but to accept the parts of him that didn’t fit into either one of those titles. While the sex wasn’t the type to be described in erotica, it was definitely full of love from both parties.

Satan and MC broke up on good terms a couple days after Lucifer mended MC’s hand. Due to the fourth demon brother’s relationship with Asmo, he knew that, even though MC did love Satan and enjoyed being in a romantic relationship with him, their heart truly belonged to Lucifer. While the old Satan would have hated MC (for falling for Lucifer) and Lucifer (for taking MC away from him), the ‘new’ Satan was at peace with the whole thing. If there was anyone that he would want to see MC happy with (that wasn’t him), it was Lucifer. Satan knew that, once the foundation was laid, Lucifer would care for MC just as deeply as he did. Plus, it would be weird for MC to continue dating him when they’re trying to start a relationship with someone who’s technically his dad.

Satan and MC can usually be found in a quiet corner of RAD or the House, studying, reading, writing, and/or debating (depending on the day). They enjoy each other’s company, and they’re able to bond over their love of learning and books. When the demon brothers were under the influence of the Gold Hellfire Newt Syrup and MC had to give each of them an order in order to them to snap out of it, MC had Satan kiss them on the cheek, figuring that it was intimate enough to break the spell the syrup had caused without creating an emotional mess.

Satan’s one of the few people in the Devildom that gets along with all three of the Vesuvian men, which is a huge relief for MC. MC finds the notebooks Satan has that document tales that he’s heard Julian, Asra, and Lucio told, and after skimming through the notes that the Avatar of Wrath has written in the margins, MC concludes that Satan has a crush on the three men. With Satan’s permission (for MC would have kept their mouth shut about the whole thing if Satan didn’t want the Vesuvian men to know that he has a crush on them), MC tells Asra, Lucio, and Julian about Satan’s feelings. 

Bonus: Lucio’s the most surprised out of the three of them, for he had no idea that the most quiet demon brother felt that way about him. Unfortunately for Satan, Lucio does not feel the same. Julian’s flattered by Satan’s crush, and unlike Lucio, the plague doctor allows Satan to kiss him. However, once Julian and Satan pull away, Satan realizes that he has more feelings towards the idea of Julian and what Julian represents than Julian himself. And then there’s Asra. If Solomon and Lucio were the first Devildom/Vesuvia pairing to hook up, Asra and Satan are the second (although they might just become the first Devildom/Vesuvian couple). It’s almost like they needed MC’s permission in order to do anything sexual with each other...

Asmo: MC’s friend and the only brother they have not hooked up with. It always amazes people to find out that the Avatar of Lust hasn’t made any actual sexual advances towards MC, but it is indeed the truth. Sure, Asmo may say dirty things to MC, and he has given them a kiss or two on the lips, but he doesn’t feel the need to go further than that. Asmo’s perhaps the most sensitive when it comes to picking up his sin in other people, and so whenever MC feels turned on by something or someone, the fifth-eldest demon brother takes note. 

The main thing that Asmo does for MC, besides inviting them to spa days and fancy events/parties/networking opportunities, is give them advice on their love life. Since MC is so nice to him throughout their Devildom stay, Asmo wants to return the favor, and he loves helping people, especially when it comes to romance. He was the one that got MC and Satan to sit down together and reveal their feelings for each other after the underground tomb incident, and he also acted like a mediator for Lucifer and MC, ultimately encouraging them to get over their nervousness and start going out with each other (once the situation with Belphie was resolved).

Upon finding out that MC knew the Vesuvian men, Asmo had a lot of questions. Is Julian straight? (no) Am I Julian’s type? (I don’t know) Could MC please ask Julian if I’m his type? (couldn’t you ask him yourself?) How about Asra? (he’s definitely not straight) Has MC witnessed the way Asra acts around me? (very flirty) Is he like that with everyone? (no) Does MC think that Asra’s trying to fuck me? (again, why don’t you ask him?) Is Lucio gay? (no, but he isn’t straight, either; not a whole lot of people in Vesuvia are) Does that mean that MC isn’t straight? (that would be correct) What’s the deal between Asra and Julian? (I believe they were lovers while I was here in the Devildom and they thought that I was dead) How was their relationship? (Toxic; Asra took advantage of Julian) Would Asra do that to me? (I don’t think so; he’s in a healthier place mentally) What about Asra and Lucio? (Lucio took Asra’s parents away from him during his dealings with the Devil) Diavolo?! (No, not Diavolo; a Major Arcana called the Devil)

Beel: MC’s friend with eventual benefits. Contrary to the popular belief that Beel is a giant meathead, he’s actually quite smart. Sure, he may not get the best grades in school, but if someone starts a philosophical conversation with him, he’s not only able to follow along but offer intelligent insights of his own. Some of this knowledge is due to the amount of time he spends with Belphie and (by proxy) Satan, but a lot of it is thanks to research he’s managed to do between eating, doing homework, and playing sports/working out. Philosophy interests the Avatar of Gluttony, particularly when it comes to that practiced in the human world. This is what ultimately piques MC’s interest in Beel, although his looks and offers of sharing and trying new food certainly doesn’t ruin things.

For a while, MC and Beel were perfectly content with being friends. But then the second aphrodisiac incident happened. The first was when the brothers ingested the Gold Hellfire Newt Syrup; the second (which is this writer’s headcanon) is when MC accidentally drinks one of Asmo’s beverages that happened to have an ingredient that made the average human consumer very, very horny (it was an honest mistake, really; how was MC supposed to know that a Devildom version of their favorite smoothie would have that kind of an effect on them?) Beel was the only one home with MC when the aphrodisiac started to affect them, and so he was the one they had to go to in order to get some kind of relief. And he did exactly that.

You see, another not-so-well-known fact about Beel (unless one happens to asks Asmo about it) is that he loves the taste of cum. It doesn’t matter where it comes from (both from an anatomical and racial (angel/demon/human) standpoint); the moment it hits his tongue, Beel’s going to consume as much of it as he possibly can. To put it simply, the Avatar of Gluttony’s ability to suck dick and eat pussy rivals Asmo (because of his sin) and Lucifer’s (because he’s the eldest). He can go for hours if one allows him to do so. For this reason, MC and Beel’s relationship turns sexual, although there’s a bit of a mental hang up for Beel when it comes to MC reciprocating. It’s not that MC’s not willing to return the favor; Beel just feels like the point of that part of their relationship is for him to give them pleasure.

Outside of the sexual context, Beel and MC can often be found in the twins’ room, the attic, the kitchen, the roof of the House, or RAD’s gym. The roof and gym are the only two places where the two of them can get some alone time, because Belphie frequently tags along when they hang out in the other places; the roof is where a lot of Beel and MC’s conversations about philosophy happen, and the gym is where they work out together (or at least at the same time, as a human is far too weak to do Beel’s workout). They’re not the closest pairing, but both of them like each other nevertheless.

The fact that MC knew the Vesuvian men didn’t quite register in Beel’s brain. Mainly, it didn’t make that much of a difference to him whether MC led two lives or not; he was just happy to be connected with MC. That is, until Julian starts telling him that he should let MC give him a blowjob at least once. The plague doctor doesn’t completely understand that Beel doesn’t feel the need to have MC do that for him. The sixth-born gets plenty of pleasure from MC’s pleasure, and that’s enough for him.

Belphie: MC’s side man. MC was initially hesitant to get close to Belphie after the incident in which he killed (an alternate version of) them, but when they saw that everyone else (minus Beel) was ignoring Belphie’s existence, their pity drove them to have at least one conversation with the Avatar of Sloth. Belphie caught on to MC’s pity pretty quickly during that conversation, but he liked the fact that someone besides his twin gave a shit about him, even if it’s the last person he would have expected to care.

One conversation turned into two, which eventually turned to them meeting in the planetarium at least once a week to look at the stars and talk about all kinds of things. The longer they meet, the more chemistry develops between them; this chemistry culminates one evening when, as MC was talking about an annoying demon in one of their classes, Belphie leans in and kisses them. This leads to a slow, sensuous make-out session that leaves both of them out of breath and a bit dizzy (but in a good way).

Belphie’s sexual nature is subdued but full of passion, and he knows exactly how to make MC melt under his touch pretty much from the get-go. If the walls of the planetarium could talk, it would reveal that MC and Belphie have fucked in just about every corner of the room. Sure, they still talk about life, but a good chuck of their time spent is devoted to sexual activities. One could say that their relationship evolves similarly to that depicted in “Beauty and the Beast”.

Belphie really doesn’t give a shit about MC having another life in Vesuvia, because sometimes it means having extra company (that isn’t Beel). Julian and Asra sometimes join MC and the Avatar of Sloth in the planetarium (99% of the time, it’s to simply talk, but there was an incident when Belphie, Julian, and Asra all took turns making out with MC, which made for a very interesting evening), and Lucio and Belphie’s occasional nap pile finds itself a third member in MC. 

[smol-nevi]

I don't generally make this kind of thing a habit, but I think if you happen to be on the Crystal RP Discord, aka @crystal-rp-ffxiv, you should probably be aware of this kind of behavior, so here goes.

If you're on Crystal RP and the admin team decides they don't like you, you're going to be living under a microscope while they wait for you to mess up, if not bait you, probably while making up conspiracies about you as well. As for how I know this, I was a moderator for about a week's duration and saw it first-hand.

Unapologetically lengthy post. Receipts in the link above, long version below the cut.

From the first time I looked in the mod chat I knew something was wrong. I read backwards in the channel, thinking I'd acclimate myself and see what kind of rules precedents had been set and that sort of thing. I mostly just found out that they had it out for a particular member (at the time using the name Jericho) for not much reason. They'd spent a troubling amount of time over the past few months watching him and another member like vultures, believing them to be the same person and waiting for them to make some kind of mistake that would justify banning both of them...despite keeping different schedules, having different personalities and typing habits, and visibly being two different people. The admin team had come to the conclusion that Jericho was a troll who wanted to make them look bad, and anything he said or did was scrutinized to a ridiculous degree for evidence that would corroborate their belief.

Except none of the things they believed at all were true: he'd had a minor argument via DM with the head admin Benjimir Thursby's wife, Tessariel Aerlinn, who had made an overly broad statement about anime and Asian culture. Jericho had told her that overgeneralization about 'Asian culture' is potentially racist, and she became extremely angry, saying that because she's Asian, she can't be racist against Asians. After that, it seemed that Jericho was considered fair game for whatever retaliatory actions the two of them could justify.

Even a cursory glance at actual racism in Asia pokes Tessariel's statement entirely full of holes, and having personally read the conversation I didn't see anything actually inaccurate in his statement even if she believed it didn't apply to her. I asked what he had done that would merit such a response, because it felt very disproportionate to anything I'd ever seen him do publicly, and that was what I was told. The exchange via DMs had been screencapped and kept in a channel for evidence, and while I didn't get a copy of it, I did read it, and I said that I thought it sounded awfully one-sided and punitive and would have been much better as an actual conversation. I also expressed that I was concerned how much of the channel had been solely devoted to what was basically a witch hunt, considering that some of the server members had over the course of the past couple of months commented that the admins' behavior towards Jericho seemed biased.

I basically got a pat on the head and told that my opinion was "valued" but wrong. This would happen a lot over the course of the week.

Shit continued to escalate. Their favorite punching bag, who was acutely aware of the grudge by now and probably trying to be nice and discuss something that he thought they could all talk about, brought up some articles that stated that LOTRO might be having a graphical overhaul. This actually ended in him being put into some kind of time-out mute, because "everyone knows those articles are debunked already" despite them still being hosted on reputable games news sites. Back-channel, the admin consensus was that he was in fact trying to bait Benjimir and Tessariel into somehow looking stupid in public, because [paraphrasing] 'he knows how important LOTRO is to them.'

Benjimir in fact went off publicly about how he knows the dev team and they sent him 'personalized swag' for 'being himself' and that everyone should just listen to him because he's right. Someone else made a reasonable request for sources on statements that Benjimir made about the LOTRO improvements not happening, and they immediately became the team's private #2 punching bag.

The whole time I reiterated that this was really uncomfortable and I had serious concerns about the way they were handling Jericho. And as always I received a pat on the head and was told to not worry about it, there were really good reasons for it, really. He was 'bringing down the quality of discourse' on the server somehow. Benjimir decided that the only way he would unmute Jericho is if Jericho talked directly to him, and that Jericho tried to talk to any of the more level-headed members of the team first was taken as obvious evidence that he wanted to evade rules and create problems. I asked when we planned to unmute him, and Tessariel immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had messaged me, which wasn't incorrect but the way she worded it felt highly accusatory and I was beginning to feel that I was also in trouble somehow for not agreeing with the rest of the team.

Things came to a head quickly when I woke up and looked at the mod chat and they were having an animated conversation that started with Benjimir asking if it was 'bad that he was laughing at Jericho' and most of the rest of the team talking about how he was stupid, uninformed, a troll, etc. for the sin of having some misgivings about cryptocurrency, of all the things. One of the mods self-described their behavior as bullying. I said that this was extremely unprofessional and that I thought they should keep conversation to actual moderation matters, and if they had a personal disagreement with a server member they should handle it in a personal venue, not via official server moderation channels.

I was, for the final time, patted on the head, and told that this was not something they would consider, because the moderation team 'needs to be able to vent for their mental health' (never mind that the job was not stressful except for the rest of the team committing worse behavior than the server members) and that maybe I was in fact too sensitive for the job. Benjimir heavily implied that I had become too close to Jericho and was being manipulated, managed to misgender me somehow despite my having used solely male or neutral pronouns the entire time I'd been on the server, and after relating a story in which a couple of years ago a well-liked moderator left after having the same complaints as I did (which he saw nothing at all troubling about), suggested that I should be demoted to babysitting the lore channel.

So I took some time to collect receipts, which are linked at the top of the post, and told him where to shove it.

Since that time, things have actually somehow gotten worse on Crystal RP. Benjimir posted an entire page screed vaguely talking about "rampant negativity" that stated anyone with questions should DM him.

Upon DMing him with questions, Jericho was banned, the only reason given being that he was a 'poor fit' for the server in some vague way. I was immediately banned afterwards for calling out this decision as being driven by a personal vendetta in the feedback channel and let him know afterwards via DMs in no uncertain terms that I had logged everything I needed and would be building my case (and that he is an asshole). Jericho was reinstated, though I'm not sure what the conditions of his return were as that was after my ban and I didn't ask since I didn't want to stress him out further. Benjimir also reprimanded someone for discussing asexuality, stating in a DM to them that the conversation was somehow ERP related. I called him out on this via DM as well. Tessariel was not much later caught posting my last DMs to Benjimir in an entirely unrelated server, though she didn't include the part after that where I brought up his aphobia (during Pride Month, in a server with a rainbow icon no less). Benjimir for some reason decided to suddenly start following my FC's Tumblr well after our falling-out.

And as of today (6/24), Crystal RP now has seven pages of draconian rules, because it wasn't micromanaged hard enough before or something. Notably, a lot of these rules describe behaviors that they wanted to punish Jericho for but couldn't at the time justify, or that they'd like to punish me for but have nothing they can do to me. Or they exist to justify their own behavior, as now seen in the very beginning of the channel:

"This approach also provides our volunteers with leeway to act in good faith without the burden befitting a professional occupation."

"So we afford them the means to speak openly, vent, lament, candidly and yes, sometimes crassly and raw about everything and one."

Not only did they behave unprofessionally and shit-talk before, they have now encoded in the rules that this is acceptable and even good moderator behavior, because they saw someone else do it so it's fine (a lot of this wording is very similar to what I was told when I protested it). So rather than address anything I ever said past or present, Benjimir is choosing to double down and giving himself and his team explicit permission to be shitty, right in the opening paragraphs where you'd have expected a mission statement or at least some sort of welcome.

Which is about all you need to know about that server and its owners, in my estimation. I'd considered not even posting to Tumblr about it, but given that it's only getting worse, I think it should be generally known that this is how you can expect to potentially be treated.

[zedecksiew]

“Exotic Warrior”

(Am writing this because it’s been bubbling over in my mind. This post is an exorcism of bad vibes over bad ideas that have held me hostage, the past few days.)

+

There is now criticism on Twitter arguing that the “Exotic Warrior”, one of Troika!’s d66 Backgrounds, is racist because it is coded as Orientalist / Asian.

I would like to respectfully disagree.

(There are other arguments in the initial complaint. I am commenting the “Exotic Warrior” specifically. Because by being actually East Asian -- part of the diaspora, living in Southeast Asia -- I feel I have some standing to comment.)

+

When I encountered “Exotic Warrior” in the book it stood out as a neat background and helped sell me on Troika!.

As I read it, the Background is a deft piece of work: it references the “adventurer from a foreign land” thing, but occludes said trope’s usual Orientalism -- an attempt at deconstruction.

A foreigner, in Troika!, can be anybody. This isn’t just a platitude; it’s supported by the book’s implied science-fantasy setting -- is essentially Spelljammer, but on more acid.

It is similar to Electric Bastionland / Planescape / etc in that it features a melting-pot, nobody’s-local “city at the centre of creation”-type deal. (I have Thoughts about RPG setttings that focus on metropoles, but that’s a separate post.)

+

Here’s the “Exotic Warrior” ’s text, in full:

24 EXOTIC WARRIOR No one has heard of your homeland. Your habits are peculiar, your clothes are outrageous, and in a land jaded to the outlandish and new you still somehow manage to stand out.

POSSESSIONS - A WEIRD & WONDERFUL WEAPON. - STRANGE CLOTHES. - EXCITING ACCENT. - A TEA SET or 3 POCKET GODS or ASTROLOGICAL EQUIPMENT.

ADVANCED SKILLS 6 Language - Exotic Language 3 Fighting in your Weird Weapon 2 Language - Local Language 2 Spell - Random 1 Astrology 1 Etiquette 

Honestly? None of the above reads as particularly problematic. It’s a legit, characterful beginning point for a player-character.

Sure, my Western-media-battered brain jumps to Samurai Warrior -- 

But immediately also to Sufi Missionary or Varangian Guard. And indeed comes to rest at Indeterminately White Gentleperson Naturalist -- the kind of exotic visitor Southeast Asia got, a lot, those scouts of European imperialism.

+

These readings are possible because of the illustration the entry is paired with. Here they are together:

Setting aside the surrealist stylisations:

The shape of the costume, the belt, the “skirt” -- these look like Europeanisms, to me. And the figure’s laughing abandon opposes the standard Orientalist tropes of wise inscrutability or red-faced savagery.

The choice to run “Exotic Warrior” with a decidedly non-Orientalist-coded illustration isn’t an unintentional piece of art direction.

(PS: any critique of an illustrated text that only focuses on the words is incomplete. Image is half the text of an illustrated text.)

+

The nondescript-ness of the entry plus its accompanying image is an open door. Opening this door isn’t without risk: whatever assumptions you make about your particular “Exotic Warrior” are drawn from your own biases.

+

Regarding “Etiquette” and “Astrology” and “Tea Set”?

With my biases: I don’t read these things as uniquely East-Asian. (When I first encountered “tea set” in Troika! I genuinely thought: “English tea service”, instead of: “temae”.)

The one that I did read as real-world Eastern was “Pocket Gods” -- but many human cultures had this, pocket gods are a part of Troika!’s wider fantasy setting, and “Exotic Warrior” isn’t the only Background to start with them.

+

A note on “exotification”:

The criticism of “Exotic Warrior” fundamentally seems to be: “Playing a character from the Other / that is Other-ed = BAD”.

I fundamentally disagree with this notion.

I have no lived experience of a society where being other-ed (in terms of culture, race, class, gender expression, etc) isn't an ever-present thread in the fabric of one's life -- and therefore a crucial and profound source of conflict and insight into the human condition.

(The ethnic fault-lines in Malaysian society have become so unbridgeable today primarily because it was official policy to sweep all that other-ing under the rug of “Malaysia Truly Asia”, as opposed to working through our ugly whispered prejudices towards understanding.)

We are not all the same. Cultural, geographic, and material differences exist. The mismatch in knowledge and understanding this creates? It matters.

In fact: To insist on universal cultural-knowledge parity; To push for “nobody’s born here, everybody belongs” melting-pots as the default framing; To nudge questions of difference and arrival into ghettos (to paraphrase one of the tweets I saw: “you can only explore issues surrounding the Other in a game specifically designed to do so”);

All that comes off to me as a very neo-liberal position, designed to safeguard and disguise the privileges of “mainstream” metropolitan melting-pots.

I read it as:

“Post-modern cosmopolitan societies want to be inclusive but don’t want to pay the admission price of history and discomfort, so they generally opt for erasure instead.”  

+++

Throughout this post I have been careful to speak from my particular context. Because context matters.

More context:

I like Troika!. Like, a lot. I think its creator, UK-based Daniel Sell, strives and succeeds at making thoughtful work. I consider him a friend, whom I’ve had personal (albeit Internet-bound) interactions now and again.

+

I have BJ Recio to thank for the following insight. Talking to him about “Exotic Warrior”, BJ brought up a crucial point that I’ll paraphrase here:

Roleplaying the outsider can be bad, especially when it is used as an excuse by the West to do fucked-up shit. But it is not default bad. Assuming it is default bad centres the discussion on “Will White people fuck this up? (Yes.)”

Essentially, the argument against “Playing a character from the Other / that is Other-ed = BAD" assumes two things:

(a) Western participants as default; (b) harm (because of ignorance or bad faith) as default.

+

If your context -- your Background, hah! -- prompts you to experience Troika! with those assumptions; and therefore read “Exotic Warrior” as necessarily Orientalist, and racially-charged?

Your context is your context; I’m not going to invalidate it.

If you are located in a society where the binary of White / non-White overpowers everything, I certainly understand the whys and hows of your position.

Your context matters.

+

So does mine.

+++

I think I’m reacting badly to this because I personally feel turned away by this RPG Discourse Around Representation (tm), supposedly done in the name of my East-Asian ass.

I resent the idea that “Playing a character from the Other / that is Other-ed = BAD”. It threatens to render verboten the entirety of my RPG work.

I am a SEA creator trying to explore and be true to my context. If there is one constant throughout SEAsian experience, it is difference.

Our peoples have ever encountered and glamourised and hated each other, all of us simultaneously Us and the Other:

Japanese and Malay enclaves in Ayutthaya; Mongol invaders in Java, who never left; Luzones mercenaries, employed by both the Sultan of Melaka and his Portuguese enemies; The reputation of the Ilanun / Bajak Laut; White conquistadors (aforementioned above); The entire history of diaspora Chinese identities (my identity!) in SEA, generally;

Foreigners from foreign lands -- feared, not fully understood, not fully understanding, simultaneously conquering and settling and finding modes of belonging, becoming a part of the land.

Always arriving.

+

That the background music of my geography, discordant though it may be, is somehow so harmful it may only be meaningfully depicted in the hermetic context of a “game specifically designed to explore that”?

This feels bad, and extremely unwelcoming. It feels like a shut gate instead of an open door.

I refuse to be turned away.

+++

(Hopefully I can finally stop thinking about this shit.)

[ceasarslegion]

This poem's really stuck with me since I first read it, and unfortunately I can't find it right now, but it goes something like "the child expects the world to be fair and just, and gets upset when it is not. And the child is right." Obviously, I'm super paraphrasing it, but I can't dig it up for the life of me right now

And this other concept has really stuck with me, as well. When I was watching Abigail Thorn's coming out video, Rhys talked about how you are simultaneously every past version of yourself at once, including your child self.

I've been getting a lot more targeted harassment since around when Elliot Page came out. Obviously, it's not his fault at all, it's the TERFs and run of the mill transphobes and the politicians screaming trans panic who took that and ran with it, which is disgusting and deplorable how they turned something so amazing for transmascs like me into another rehash of "wE'rE lOsInG aLl OuR dAuGhTeRs!!"

I mean, shit. It wasn't even that long ago when that stupid transphobic book came out that was titled something like "the gender panic plagueing our daughters" or whatever the fuck.

Plus there's so much community infighting lately because so many of y'all really do view oppression as a pokemon type damage chart instead of realizing that multiple things can be true at once, ie transfems and transmascs are both oppressed in different ways, so stop acting like either wanting recognition is ever taking anything away from the other. Other oppressed people are not your goddamn enemy

I don't know, I just... it's not even all the big things that are getting to me lately. It's the little things. Like when I've made it clear multiple times that I'm not comfortable being referred to as anything feminine, even slang. I try to be polite about it, say "please don't call me queen, or girl, or sis, it makes me very uncomfortable because of how hard I've fought to have my masculinity recognized" and people take it personally. People act like I'm calling femininity a bad thing, or that I'm making a totally unrealistic expectation of them, when I just said that I, personally, don't like this thing, so please don't do it to me, personally.

I think a good example would be a while back. I've gone by the nickname Dames since I first picked my name. It came pretty naturally from my high school friends, and I thought it was nice, I liked it, so I naturally kept it IRL and tagged all my personal posts with it. And evidentally my longer followers like it too, because I always get asks where people refer to me as Dames. That's me to all of you, right? It's a major indicator of the guy behind this weird internet facade tens of thousands of y'all saw some value in following. And good on him for only having followers on the one social media where that counts absolutely jack shit for, am I right?

I'm bound to get anon hate with numbers like that, it's expected, I'm not usually vexed by it. 9/10 times I just block and move on or find a way to make it funny, but a while back I got one that really kinda... stung. Mostly because it felt so targeted. Like, the others are usually just people trying to tell me what to post on my own blog or some shit about how my latest shitpost making the rounds sucks, but no one's ever gone for the nickname before this person. Not a single anon has ever told me that my nickname is shit, especially not with such targeted phrasing as "girl if you dont STOP calling yourself dames i refuse". I ended up making fun of them on here if y'all were here for it but it really kinda got to me in reality.

And I know what most people would say: "dont feed the trolls" "dont engage" "just block and move on" but I do have a few criticisms of that mentality. For one, it puts the onus on the person getting harassed to be the bigger person without ever addressing why the internet makes these people feel like this shit is acceptable, or how to fix that. To be clear, I don't know how to fix it, I just know it's a serious problem that disproportionately affects marginalized people online, especially those of us who have a bit of a platform to speak of and are therefore more visible, so it should be discussed more instead of just chalking it up to the lawless internet.

Second, on a more individual level, what the fuck has to be wrong with someone to actively go and figure out whats important to someone's sense of identity and then shit on it to them? I assume it was to get a rise out of me which I didn't really give them in the moment before I blocked them, but the total lack of acknowledgement of another person and the cold, calculating callousness is what does it for me.

I still go by Dames, but sometimes it gets to me. Like what if it is stupid? What if everyone does hate it? I didn't have these thoughts before I got that targeted harassment for no real reason than existing in a way this person found worthy of ridicule.

I think it goes back to what I was talking about before. The child part of me remembers how strong his sense of morality was, and how angry and betrayed he felt when things were unfair or unjust, or people were shitty to each other for no reason. He expects people to be better, to acknowledge that other people are people and to respect each other even on a platform as lawless as the internet. He's the part of me that's so hurt when this thing happens. And others always tell him that he's just naive, he shouldn't have responded, don't feed the trolls, etc etc without ever asking WHY this environment exists in the first place. It's not his fault for being hurt, that's a natural reaction, it's the bully's fault for kicking someone who's been systemically downed in one of the few places he comes for refuge and feels validated by.

The child is angry, the child says that people should be just and the world should be fair, and people say that the child is naive, but the child is right.

[namjoonchronicles]

boxes | nj

↳ pairing namjoon, reader

↳ genre fluff, domestic, established relationship

↳ words 3.3k

↳ summary namjoon’s thriving work and your university never exactly go hand in hand, with the new adjustments made to accomodate the government’s effort to curb the pandemic, namjoon has to deal with your mood swings and all the boxes that came with it

↳ warning suggestive content, mentions of masturbation, stress mismanagement

↳ song dizzy ‘magician’ 

Doorbell. The door swung open to a sullen, barely awake Kim Namjoon. He managed to slide on a grey WTAPS hoodie as he walked to the door in his knee length shorts, rubbing his eyes and squinting at who was at the door.

“Mrs. Kim?” The delivery man asks. “That’s my wife, yes,” Namjoon said in a gritty voice.

He was slowly grasping the fact that he was entertaining a delivery addressed to his roommate and bedmate. The stranger at duty finally hands him a parcel, the size of a small go-kart cart meant for kids; and then shoves him an electronic device that Namjoon was supposed to sign on, where he acknowledges that the parcel had been received. The felt-tip pen doesn’t do justice to Namjoon’s otherwise pretty handwriting, but that’s not the first, and certainly won’t be the last.

And at the corner of Namjoon’s mind, by the time the delivery man left and disappeared to the end of the hall was, who was this from and what could it be?

Just a few hours ago, when the sun was hiding under the horizon, and the stars still decorated the skies, the chirping birds from the floor below had filled Namjoon’s ears as he crawled into bed, laying on his back and finally sighing from the amount of work he forced himself to do. A split second after, your alarm rang. And he frowned. Your arms reveal themselves from the depth of the duvet, snaking over Namjoon’s bare chest, as you brought your face over his nipples lazily to get to your phone that was on the nightstand. He exhaled through his nose and spoke under his breath,

“Your phone’s on the other side.”

Catching a few seconds of snooze before you actually replied, you mumbled,

“I know,” against his supple chest.

A few more minutes of skin contact before you had to start the day, you begged in your head. Your head was underneath Namjoon’s chin and his arm draped over your shoulders. As the mind awakes, you heard him say, “Wake up, or you’ll be late,” while absolutely nothing about his confining arms. His ridiculousness eventually made you smile, first thing in the morning. Had he been sleeping in regular hours, you wouldn’t feel like nagging him. But as you peel yourself from him, unwillingly, you saw his tired face and soft snores, you decided that sleep schedules are a discussion for another day. Rubbing your forehead, you finally fetched your phone on time before it begins to ring again and woke your husband up.

By the looks of it, he really needs the rest. The clock on the phone shows 7.02AM. Yawning, you dragged your feet into the bathroom and like that, your day begins.

It was your birthday. And your husband completely missed it. It hurts, but it was easy to shove every emotional matter aside because you were swamped with work from university. Ever since long distance education began, there were papers after papers after papers that your lecturer had advised to read and report on. Constructing frameworks with related articles, and dissecting what is needed and what wasn’t was not only time consuming, it was draining you emotionally and mentally. Sitting hours on end on the desk at home gave you back pain and earned you some appointments with Namjoon’s physiotherapist as per his insistent requests. There were papers, literally in every corner, on every surface of the house. Namjoon slipped over one. Or two. Once, or twice. Actually, a few times.

It gets mixed with his music arrangements, his lyrics, his online-purchase receipts. It gets stacked on his piano and several on his bookrack. Just, papers.

Birthday? On the most hectic week of your semesters where the final exam is held? And assignments to be submitted? No time. No time for celebration. It is article after article. Citations over citations. Paraphrasing after paraphrasing after some more paraphrasing. Namjoon watched in horror sometimes. Sometimes he just accepted his fate. That his wife, in distress, would place weird things in weird places. Such as, phone in the fridge or the microwave. Car keys in the wardrobe. House keys in shoes -- this one, you insisted that it fell but Namjoon could vouch that he actually saw you put them in the shoes and hung your socks on the key holder. Namjoon also had to text you, while in the house, to eat, and shower or sleep -- all the basic human necessities. And if he is not in the house, he sends pictures of his food to remind you.

Your stress was entirely something else. You were a whole different being. Not to say that you throw tantrums, or that you get fidgety. But you get hazy. The only way to explain it is, sometimes, when Namjoon is speaking to you, you could be looking into his face and watching him talk, and ask him to repeat because you didn’t hear a thing he said. You were just nodding. Like that one time when he was speaking about a certain meteor shower occurring at such and such time and place, you were wondrously staring only to say, “What did you say again? I wasn’t paying attention…I’m sorry.” Namjoon would shut his eyes in agony and fetch the remote to change the channel, refusing to repeat himself. And you would whine in protest because you feel that he felt neglected, and it wasn’t your intention. You were just occupied. By pressing due dates, and pressure to deliver paperwork feasible to your lecturers.

You left the house to have better home-study dynamics. Your Wifi has been on and off and despite Namjoon’s online complaints, no one has been allowed to perform technical aids in homes due to the Corona Virus spread. Aware of this, you took your work to the university where you can focus better. Namjoon wasn’t entirely against it. He was just worried that you wouldn’t eat on time, unsupervised. Namjoon has been actively working from home and you could see his productivity had been slowed down due to lack of environmental stimulation. He didn’t have to say it out loud, but if he does, you’re there to listen. So, it was your birthday. And he was half awake, pushing the parcel into the house, so it sits next to the couch.

And then. Another doorbell. And another. And another. And another.

“Mrs. Kim?” “Yes.”

Doorbell. Signed.

“Is this Mrs. Kim’s resi--” “Correct.”

Doorbell. Signed. Carry parcel.

“.” “That’s my wife?”

Doorbell. Signed. Parcel. Stack. Doorbell. Signed. Parcel. Pushed. Doorbell. Parcel. Signed. Pushed. Stacked. Pushed. Stacked.

Namjoon heaves one box in and lets out a big exhale when his phone begins to ring and he dashes to it, down the hall on the bedside table. His thumb drags the answer button, places his phone on his ear and breathes out, “Honey…”

“Hey, I’ve been calling and calling… I just got a text from several friends that they’re sending some--” “Parcels? Packages? Letters? Yeah, I think I got them…” Namjoon scans around the living room, “All of them.” “I’m so sorry, you must have been so tired, you didn’t even get much sleep. It’s just. My friends, they wanted to send me things for my birthday… is it a lot?”

Namjoon clamps his lips between his teeth, understanding the gravity of the situation. Not only had he forgotten his wife’s birthday, he was being an ass. Muttering fucks under his breath, he leans his forehead on the wall.

“It’s your birthday…shit, I forgot,” he scolds himself through the phone for you. You half-smiled while continuing to type on your computer.

“That’s right,” you hummed teasingly, “What are you going to do…Hmm?”

“I’ll do anything…” he pleaded.

“Anything? I’ll figure it out and let you know alright? I’m gonna be home soon… But I can’t say when… Take care.” “Does that mean today or like--Hello? Did she just hang up on me?” Namjoon stares at his phone screen where it reads ‘Call Ended.’

“Half of the living room is gone,” Namjoon pulled a chair out the dining table looking over the said scene.

You tutted your tongue, already imagining the gravity of the situation. Had it been you at home, Namjoon could have slept soundly. However as you had these assignments to submit and time-pinching articles to read that you have to be here. Namjoon sounded so exhausted. And honestly, you didn’t know how many more were coming since it was a surprise. You got these messages from the delivery company that there was a delivery under your phone number and address so you were notified as Namjoon was being bulleted with endless doorbells. It should end now. You’re not receiving any more messages. Half of you wanted Namjoon to give you a good night as a birthday gift, while the other wants him to suffer a couple of more nights of unattended ‘needs’. And you being you, it almost always falls on the latter.

The door unlocks and Namjoon springs on his feet, dashing to the entrance where you walked in with a couple of thick books in your arm, totally ignoring your lamp post husband holding the door open when you’re trying to close them. He thought he was helping you out so you stare at him to ask him why he is holding it open. He smiled awkwardly and let the door shut while you walked in to place the books stacked on the kitchen counter. Namjoon was hoping that you noticed that the sink is empty and that he washed all the dishes. You didn’t comment on anything but poured yourself a cold glass of water. Namjoon ran his tongue along the length of his lips to keep them from drying up. Eyes restless, body fidgeting at the sight of you gulping down the liquid. He stammers out the question, “H-how was your day?”

And he continues, while you give him your back to wash the mug, “You said you were coming home soon, and you didn’t until like seven hours later… Where did you go?”

“Ah, the lab technicians arranged a birthday celebration for me, you know Yoongi right? So they got me like a cake, I couldn’t save you some…” you smacked your lips together after hanging the glass on the racks to dry. Then you walked past the fridge to open it, poking your head inside while Namjoon chewed the insides of his cheek, looking down to his fiddling fingers. Then he softly said, “For seven hours…?”

You heard him but you spun around and told him flatly, “I’m going to go take a shower, can you heat this up for me?” Passing him a ready made meal, then tip toeing to grab his face to kiss him full on the lips. And deepening it enough to get him moaning, have his arm snaking under your dress shirt but pulling away when he tried to reciprocate the same passion. You smiled slyly as you skipped to your bedroom for him to follow you a bit later, just for him to be door slammed on the bathroom door. And locked. This is where Namjoon picks up the hint that it was a game you decided to play. It’s his punishment. And it began seven hours ago.

After your ready made meal, you were laying next to him in bed reading emails on the tab, rubbing his thigh up and down achingly slowly while he read and grew increasingly uncomfortable with his hardons. He had been reading the same sentences for the past 20 minutes and his philtrum was moist with sweat, he began blinking and shaking his head a couple of times. He said nothing because he knew you were doing this to punish him. Everytime your palm moved further up his thighs, inches away from where he really needs you, you pull away. Ever so accidentally, the back of your knuckle would brush against his clothed hard ons, and he would suppress a moan. He feels sore, itchy, dying to touch himself to the point that he was practically gripping so hard on his book.

Bored with emails, you began to watch a series on Netflix and every now and then, you would let out the gasps that he recognises to be the one you’d make in bed with him. You would also let out moans that would make him dizzy. His knee shakes as his needs go untreated and you asked him, in an angelic tone, “Is everything okay baby?”

He breathes, “No.” The book flew from his hand and he turned to you, begging with everything he has in him for you to, “Please. It hurts.”

You put your tabs away with a sigh, took your glasses off and you thumbed his cheek. Putting your face close enough for him to feel your breath on his skin, you smiled affectionately, “Goodnight baby…” Passing him a box of tissues and reminded him, “Not too loud, okay?”

Defeated, Namjoon almost felt like crying. How long must he deal with this? How long must he want and can’t have? And if you thought his desires died down after he masturbates, you were wrong. Sleeping right next to you like this, you were pushing your butt on his hip while sleeping soundly, making him shiver. All the hair behind his neck stood up as he tried to control his dick once again. He married the she-devil herself. Sweating profusely, he grabs the duvet above you, pressed himself on you, peppering wet kisses on your neck and shoulders and on every inch of skin he had access to, to hopefully persuade you into forever in a moment. He felt you stir awake and calling out his name in your sleepy voice, propelling him further into neediness.

“Please, let me make you feel good, hmm?” he pleaded. He begins grinding achingly slowly on the curve of your butt and makes you whine.You feel his every crevice and desperation that you sleepily giggle then he groggily says with a boyish tone, “I’ll make you feel so good.” He just really needs to hear you say his name in the manner only lovers know. He was going to lose his goddamn mind if you don’t do something to him. He felt so helpless and vulnerable and bare, it aches. He got on top of you, and suddenly everything feels heavier. His knees digging into the mattress next to your hip, the heat coming out from him, his dilated pupils and baritone voice, repeating how sorry he was. It had you gripping sheets and catapulted to another world. When he said he wanted you to feel good, he really meant rocketing you out the universe it seems. He was gentle and sensual about it, and it was your ultimate kryptonite.

The familiar coiling in the pit of your stomach, the rearing la petite mort as the French says, teeth sinking into flesh, rippling release. Namjoon was adamant to deliver. He then switched from being an absolute gentle angel to a beast. In the back of your mind, you knew he was getting back at you for the torture you let him through. He was determined to not let you leave the bed next morning, or the morning after that. That was the ability of a seasoned lover. He knows where to touch, where to bite, where to spend most time on. He knows just how to make you scream and have you yank his hair back like that. The way he delivers his love is like, “How dare you ignore me? How dare you deny me of your love?”

Namjoon stirred awake feeling sore. The duvet pools around his waist, his happy trails showing as he sat up on the middle of the bed, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palm. He saw you curled on your side next to him. Staring at you long enough to watch you switch to your back and displaying the marks he made on you last night. He bit his lips at the sight as the memories returned in delicious flashes. He lays on his stomach and turns his head towards you, smiling like an idiot. He then floats his index finger over your exposed mound, nipples and down the middle of your torso, but there was nothing sexual about it, just sensuality. Consciousness swam tastefully around your head and you blinked several times, before the visions cleared. You caught him grinning.

“G’mornin,” he groggily greeted in his morning voice. “Morning,” you replied just as affectionately.

Then you figured that the boxes outside wouldn’t unpack themselves if you stayed in bed today, so after a quick breakfast, Namjoon was at your service. His job was to collect the boxes and foam sheets that came with fragile gifts. As you gasps and gawks at the items that are sent to you, like the quirky mugs and hand-stitched runners, Namjoon smiles in awe at how creative your friends and families are. There were hand printed t-shirts from your 1 year old nephew finger drawings, old baby pictures of you from your hometown and some signed books from your friend who is an author. They all had little notes that Namjoon would read aloud for you, he even got the tones right from knowing how your friends talk. Your cheeks were hurting from smiling ear-to-ear.

Namjoon watches you from the door sill as you placed the last gift next to his KAWS collection, with a fond smile stuck on his face. Tiptoeing, chin up, hair in a bun--was his wife. Then slowly, your vibrant face faltered. And Namjoon was quick to notice.

“What is it…?” He said, in a defeated tone. You answered with a shoulder shrug. “Another trip around the sun, another year getting older…” You slumped in the hammock next to the window glass. Namjoon joined you by sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall opposing you.

“Sometimes, I just wonder, is this all there is, and even though so, it’s a lot to unpack. Without you, my life would probably be dull, and even with these friends I dearly love, I would have felt very lonely. This year my birthday felt a little special. Although you forgot,” you squeezed your eyes at him, “I was actually happy you didn’t remember. I was sad that I’m no longer what I considered young. The gap just felt a little wider, and things grew over time. I worry about not having more time with my parents, and not contributing enough. I worry about the friends I have that I might no longer have in 3 years time. I worry about you and the things you’ll do and the hurdles you’ll face… I worry about everything that isn’t me.”

Namjoon leans his head back, listening, hugging his knees, hollowing his cheeks.

“I think the question that frequently goes into my mind is, where do we go from here? What’s there to look forward to now that we’re here? And I have to find the answers to these questions. Then I get impatient, anxious of not knowing what the correct answers are…” your voice drifted.

Namjoon scooted over to sit next to your knee like a huge pup, and he turned to face the same view you were looking at. Sunkissed skin, golden rays of the evening, the rainbow cascading from the crystal ball you hung at the corner of the room when the light hits. Everything about the day was tranquil. Then, Namjoon rested his chin on your knee, moved his cheek bone on them, mashing his lips to a pout. And in the comfortable brief silence you stayed, listening to the time tick, and the faint sound of the rustling traffic that Namjoon swiftly say,

“Maybe there aren't any answers.” And if that was true, and it might be true, maybe… there is very little to worry about. Seven trips around the sun with Namjoon. To a whole lot more.

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copyright © 2020 namjoonchronicles do not repost, and thank you for reading

[concealeddarkness13]

WHG 15 Post-Games Imposter Syndrome Part 16

The day after part 15! With a fun visitor! Tagging: @sparkles-and-hens, @knmartinshouldbewriting, @maple-writes, @pen-of-roses (also thanks for Conor!), @thoughts-of-nora, and @ratracechronicler!

The night after I met Indigo Carmine, I used my magic to cut the locks on my window so I could go scope the Capitol out. It was dark, and no one was around, and I found out where some key buildings were from the apartment. All in all, a productive night, and no one saw me. At least I could still do something.

The next morning, that feeling of accomplishment was pushed down a little. A Peacekeeper walked into my room without even knocking with an unassuming man following behind her. He fiddled with his hands as he walked forward. “I am here to heal your wounds, but my magic has a price.”

I smiled. “That I don’t want to pay.”

The Peacekeeper just scoffed. “That you’re forced to pay.” She nudged the man forward, and he touched my arms, and I almost screamed as the pain from my wounds magnified. Shit. Was he really healing me?

When he was done, he took a step back and wouldn’t look me in the eyes. “My magic heals, but it causes the pain to increase. I’m sorry.” He bowed slightly and scurried out after the Peacekeeper.

A tall man (but not taller than me) with dirty blonde hair and dark brown eyes slipped in after the other man left, and I almost didn’t recognize him. What was the District 9 escort doing here? Poor man if he was asking after his gloves. They were gone.

He leaned against the wall and cocked an eyebrow at me while he smirked a little. His clothes weren’t as flashy as they were before, which was why I almost hadn’t recognized him. “I must say, you are far more interesting than I first thought. Though I suppose you’ve been hearing that far too often as of late.”

So, probably not as inconsequential as I had assumed in the beginning when I had stolen from him. Brilliant. I cocked an eyebrow back at him, staying seated on my bed, tensed against the pain. “And you’re looking remarkably less ridiculous than the last time I saw you.”

He smiled wider. “Oh good, you recognized me, I was deeply worried you wouldn’t under all that. But I suppose you did go through all that effort to steal from me with my dear star’s help I presume.”

Huh. He seemed to know Reine, possibly. But I wasn’t going to say anything about her. I leaned back and smirked. “Nah. That was all me. And by the way, I had my stylist burn those hideous gloves after the interview.” So ha.

His eyes changed color for a little bit. So, magic? Possible. “Burn, really? And here I thought you had an affinity for ice that would prevent such a thing.” Crystal, actually. Big difference. “Still, doesn’t really matter now that you’re here. I was so worried after I discovered that lovely little trick that I wouldn’t get the chance to properly meet you, that the Games would claim you well before ally cat and I arrived with your crew to aid the escape. But imagine my surprise when instead you were delivered to my newest interest?”

What the fuck was he talking about? Reine hadn’t said anything about anyone else helping. So, he was either screwing with me, or I just hadn’t known everything, which was understandable. Either way, why would I question it? He was probably wanting me to. “Hmm.” I looked him up and down. He didn’t look that impressive. Which meant that he was hiding plenty. “Those are a lot of vague claims that I don’t have time to unpack right now. So, what can I do to placate your interest?”

“This.” He spread his arms wide with a slight flourish. “Your very existence is interesting to me from what I’ve been hearing, about how you shouldn’t exist.” Oh boy. Did he really think I’d tell him about that? “It’s different and new and exciting. Here I thought you and my lovely Reine would cause an uproar here for me to watch with your escape.” He had mentioned her again. What was the purpose of that? She was captured. Was he trying to imply a threat? “Instead I discover a strange group of people, these Shades, working for the Capitol with powers I haven’t seen before, which is really quite impressive, Pirate.” I almost reacted to that, but I stopped myself. Shit. Reine. “After all we’ve been around for quite a long time. She did tell you that right? Or I’m sure you’re clever enough to have seen the signs of it anyway.”

Not really when I was focusing on helping people escape. But that was interesting. Something to ask her if I ever saw her again. But I must have fucked something completely up if she had been around for far longer than she looked and she had been captured because of me. Shit.

I smiled and bowed a little, not showing anything to him. “I’m honored that my existence intrigues you. Would you like my whole life story, or just the paraphrased version?”

He quirked an eyebrow, still smiling as he looked me over. “Oh I like you. Yes it seems I wasn’t off the mark here, you will be so much fun to watch as this all plays out. Your loyalty is inspiring, truly. I am curious what you will actually tell me of your life though? To give you this much fire after everything when even poor rainbow is beside herself over losing you. If you will indulge me Pirate?” He bowed back.

Reine again? What the hell was he trying to say? Play along for now. Fake tears, cracking voice. “Well, it all started when my father told me that I should have never been born. So, I ran away and joined some pirates. And did I tell you that Churi was my father? I bet you’ve seen him. That’s why he hates my guts.”

“Oh shall I get some popcorn for this beautiful tale you are spinning? Tell me which of the higher ups in the Capitol is the mother?” He gasped. “Oh don’t tell me, President Snow is the wealthy uncle who will leave you everything in the end after a dramatic murder? Though I do think your acting may need a little work, not quite as sharp as your words.”

Rude. I winked. “Joke’s on you, I was making it obvious. And I hadn’t thought about President Snow being the wealthy uncle. You think he’d bust me out of here?”

“Hardly seems the type, no see you can’t find out about it until after the death because then there’s the will explaining how the entire thing was an act to keep you safe, but the untimely death means there’s no one else to continue his work, no?” He seemed to be enjoying this, gesturing dramatically throughout. “Of course, I’d say that’s when you discover the whole secret world full of magic and impossibilities and whatever unique power runs through your blood, but it seems you’ve skipped that part.” He flashed me a grin.

Now, to dig. Probably too obvious, but oh well. I eyed him. “And what part would you play in this story?”

He dramatically looked thoughtful. “I suppose that depends on who is telling the story. Whatever best fits my desires at the moment. Currently? The audience watching what’ll happen next, when you’ll make your next move to escape this because you hardly seem the type to just sit by, and what this shady organization will do to try to stop this and spin the narrative in their favor.” He wanted me to trust him. That had to be why he talked with favor about me escaping. “Though I suppose now I should play the distant friend who shows up in time for dear Reine to cry on the shoulder of about failing you.”

Reine again. I had to be careful around him, or he could hurt her. That had to be the reason why he kept talking about her. I nodded. “So, since you are part of the audience, you must be satisfied to see the protagonist, so, in order to not bore you, you should probably take your leave.”

He bowed, not breaking eye contact or losing the smile. “It was a pleasure to finally meet you Triel. I am sure you will not disappoint me in your endeavors.” He actually looked like he was going to leave. Wow. Not what I expected.

I nodded again. “I’m sure I’ll see you clapping in the audience soon enough.”

“Unless I’m needed elsewhere of course.” He winked and left.

Well, that was a lot to unpack. And I still had tons of questions. Would I actually see him again? Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or not.

[morningflames]

a word of warning

well here’s a post i never thought i’d be making

it’s come to my attention that a Certain Someone is planning on making a comeback to WrA soon and it fills me with nothing short of dread. i spent the day yesterday warning people he terrorized and manipulated that this was happening. you know it’s bad when there’s a literal network of people who share an abuser that have remained in contact for years in the event this happened again.

i am not going to lie and say that making this post does not terrify me but i cannot in good conscience sit back and let him worm his way into the rp scene again and do what he did to me and at least half a dozen others all over again.

to summarize: tarcanus aka tarcanus frostborne is a manipulative, emotionally abusive and predatory individual that should be avoided at all costs.

i am the player behind lyrinel, a former officer of his and someone who was on the receiving end of nearly a years worth of abuse and manipulation. my experiences pale in comparison to those of others who dealt with him and came forward to me after i left his guild, and i cannot speak for anyone who does not feel comfortable coming forward. if you do want to let your voice be heard, feel free to reblog and add your own anecdotes.

my story below the cut.

tw: manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, coercion, grooming

i first joined coram populo in early 2014 after my best friend and fellow survivor (i will refer to her by her character’s name of thradia from here on out) joined the raid team in december of the previous year. we were both just looking for a social place to park our characters and maybe start role playing again, as we hadn’t had a guild or dedicated rp group in a while. things were fine and friendly for the first couple of months, though it’s worth noting that a large part of the office corps had just left or was in the process of leaving when thradia and i joined. we were both 18 at the time.

i made the mistake of reaching out to tarc in the spring, when i noticed him posting to his tumblr about how busy he was. i offered to be an IC assistant of sorts to his character and he was more than happy to toss me into an absolute whirlwind. we still didn’t know much about each other, but in the span of a couple weeks we went from casual contact in guild chat to immensely long (sometimes between 10 and 12 hours) skype calls, constant DMing, and an almost uninterrupted stream of conversation. i was struggling to finish high school at this time (spoiler: i failed to graduate) and found myself suddenly caught in an all-consuming relationship with this man and his guild. from the moment i woke up to the moment i finally hung up and crawled into bed, my time was taken up by tarc and the guild and the game.

i was promoted to officer less than five months after joining the guild. this was overwhelming for a number of reasons, chief among them being the fact that i had never been an officer in a guild like this before and i was very quickly escalated to tarc’s “inner circle.” this was a circle that he evidently didn’t even include his most senior officers in, as he didn’t seem to communicate with them to the extent or abundance that he did with me - and later, when she was ALSO promoted to officer, thradia. 

within a few weeks i found myself at the center of dozens of micro-confrontations and venting from tarc about other members of the guild, raid team, and even fellow officers. every time, i would tell him he needed to take it to his co-gm and talk it through with her. she, like him, was a grown woman with a lot more experience and better people skills than me, a teenager barely out of high school, but tarc insisted on beating me over the head with his frustrations and then proceeding to guilt me and tell me i was a terrible friend when i didn’t agree with him or expressed i was uncomfortable being in the center of a vent session that i felt was unwarranted. 

tarc was never wrong. he did not apologize. the words “i’m sorry” did not exist in his vocabulary, and if they did, they were almost always followed up with the word “but.” constantly he would be sending multiple messages to me or thradia while we were running events and raids for the guild, ranting about a few particular members that he disliked at the time regardless of how we felt about said members. thradia and i would both be reduced to tears and/or anxiety attacks by his outbursts that all but demanded we take his side even if we didn’t. his feelings and circumstances were paramount. everyone else’s were just inconveniences. 

tarc was always the victim. no matter what was going on, no matter who had instigated whatever vein of conversation we were on that had gone awry, he had a way of making you feel like utter shit until you grovelled for his forgiveness, which he rarely gave. instead he would move on without giving any closure or allowing you to discuss your feelings at length. if you tried, you were the insensitive one who he couldn’t go to with his “unfiltered emotions,” which was the entire purpose of his inner circle to hear him say it. i was not allowed to just be his friend or just be an officer, i had to be both and neither at the same time, and it still was not the right course of action. nothing ever was.

tarc was openly manipulative and antagonistic, always citing it as an “inside joke” when called on it. i opened up to him once about my father’s alcoholism and how i was uncomfortable with alcohol culture and being around drunk people. regardless, he would constantly call while drunk (or maybe he was pretending to be to get a rise out of me, i honestly do not know what was genuine and what was put on with him) and make me stay on the call with him for hours. when he was (allegedly) diagnosed with an inability to process certain alcohols that could be life threatening, he continued to drink (or claimed he was drinking) dangerous amounts, which lead to me begging him to stop as i feared for his life. one of the worst anxiety attacks i have ever had was over him endangering his health and me believing i was going to see a friend die. he knew how much this upset me and he did not stop. he held me as a captive audience to his self destruction (or the playacting of it) and let me cry and beg and plead with him to take care of himself.

tarc loves to promote a clean, “family friendly” persona online. he will go on and on about the positive atmosphere his guild provides and how progress and accepting he and his “safe spaces” are. as soon as you are inducted to his inner circle, however, you learn otherwise. he will gladly engage in sexually charged conversation with you, even if you are ten years younger than him as thradia and i were. we were both legal adults, yes, but just barely. i can’t count the inappropriate remarks and jokes made about us, our friends, and even minors all in the spirit of joking “what if” conversation. he has a history of making young LGBT+ people uncomfortable, making their sexualities and identities about him and how he can relate to them. 

tarc was the most two-faced and divisive guild leader i’ve ever seen. he would rant to me mercilessly about wanting to kick one of the junior officers and raid team members in private while never saying a word to their face or bringing it up with the co-gm. he would start schisms between people, telling each what they wanted to hear and encouraging both parties not to confront each other about it, allowing the resentment and distrust to grow as he fanned the flames on both sides. he wanted people to stay in the guild and continue to basically work for him while also putting him above anyone else in their friend circles. he told straight up lies to thradia and i, claiming one of us had said things about the other that we never did, driving a wedge and distrust between us.

tarc treats his guild(s) like a business. he is entirely capitalist-minded even in an MMORPG that people play for fun, churning out “content” and keeping up appearances like a machine. he treats his officers and guild members like employees, not people. any time irl would demand attention away from the game, forcing someone to miss or cancel an event, he would subtly guilt them about it until they apologized, even if it was a dire situation or a family emergency. 

when tarc wanted to start a wow roleplaying podcast, he approached me about cohosting. he wanted a female voice, and since i was out of school and had no job lined up due to not graduating i was the perfect candidate. i came on to narrate and research the lore segment of the looking for roleplay podcast, which was little more than me paraphrasing a wowwiki article, but i was held to a “professional” standard. i had to have my research done by a certain day, my recording done in advance, etc. 

the podcast was a spot of contention for several reasons, one being the mysterious emails tarc would allegedly receive about it. the podcast had a shared email account that all three of us could access and look at, but tarc claimed that people sent emails directly to him since “everything’s under his email.” he would use these strawman emails as indirect criticism of turwinkle and i, reading them aloud or typing up what they supposedly said but NEVER producing a real screenshot or address to verify them. i’m convinced he only did this as a way to make turwinkle and i feel badly and work harder “for the listeners” to appease things tarc didn’t like about our segments. he also insinuated he got inappropriate emails about me specifically at this account but, again, i was never allowed to see them with my own eyes, just hear about them secondhand, which is why i believe they did not exist.

around this time, tarc began recording conversations without mine or thradias consent. he would start recording random sections of calls and taunt us, playing back out-of-context lines and joking that he would make “podcast commercials” out of them. they were often embarrassing, personal, or just wildly out of context lines that we didn’t want played to the public, and i heard only a fraction of what he possibly recorded of me. i have no idea what kind of material he has of me and thradia that was recorded without us knowing or consenting. it felt like blackmail. it still does.

i internalized all of this. i thought this was normal. i thought he was an excellent guild leader and a role model for leadership. i had begun to treat world of fucking warcraft like a goddamn job and i thought that was fine. my life revolved around coddling and entertaining him, socializing and promoting and recruiting for the guild, raiding, running pvp entirely on my own, keeping up IC connections and attending events, recording for the podcast, all of it. i ate, breathed, and slept wow and coram. it was insane. i had been talked into having no boundaries for myself and my time, and any time i tried to correct that and build a boundary i was attacked for it until i backed down. i have never felt worse about myself than i did while i was in this guild. i trusted no one. i was worn thin.

i finally had enough early 2015. at this point this man was trying to get me to come live with him hundreds of miles from my family so that i could attend a technical school in his area. i am still 18. he was 28. i had been trying to step down from my position as an officer, citing if i was going to be LIVING WITH HIM that it was going to give me an unfair bias in my standing in the guild. this set him all the way off. he was planning a trip to atlantic city for me, himself, and thradia, who i had a ticket to visit for my birthday. he was getting frantic because he had been pursuing thradia for months, and i was no longer cooperating. 

when i threw this wrench in everything, our relationship devolved in the span of a few hours. within the day i left the guild on all of my characters and pulled myself out of all of his projects. within the month i had frantically faction changed several characters and eventually unsubscribed from the game for two years because i lived in fear of him. he had always alluded to “knowing people” who could hack and track IP addresses and kept tabs on everyone who visited his blogs and websites. i didn’t know what i thought he was going to do - all i knew was his thinly veiled brags and threats were at the forefront of my mind. i have played this game since 2006, but for the first time in my life i couldn’t enjoy it out of fear and exhaustion caused by him. he had ruined my favorite game in less than a year and made me paranoid about my entire online presence, to the point where this blog was abandoned for months before i turned it into what it is today. 

and the thing is, tarc’s not a creepy or abrasive guy when you first meet him. he’s funny and charismatic and outgoing. he loves to tell you about his world travels and show you pictures of him petting baby tigers at rescues in southeast asia and go on about these crazy winnings he would have in vegas. he’s larger than life - at least online. he came to visit me twice in the year that we knew each other. the first time was also the first time i had ever met thradia in person, and we had been friends for six years at that point. he has met my family, and that of several other members (both my age and older). no one ever questions why he’s there. no one ever thought it was odd that for a week he hung out with three teenage girls exclusively. 

this horrifies me to this day. 

thradia and i are still best friends. we compared notes and were sickened at how we were played against each other. slowly, i returned to the game. i reached out to people who had left or been on their way out when i first joined the guild, curious to see if there was a common thread. there was. everyone i spoke with had similar stories: being made to feel like shit, nothing they ever did for the guild was enough, they weren’t allowed to miss events or raids no matter what the reason, they were questioned and joked about inappropriately and made to feel uncomfortable and preyed upon, etc. i was not the only one. thradia was not the only one. at least half a dozen other former members and/or officers had these stories, and tarc just kept getting away with it.

he cannot keep getting away with it.

i am being open with this for the first time in six years because i don’t want to see it happen again. because i don’t want to know that, had i said something sooner, more people could have been protected. i was 18 when this was going on. i had no real world experience. i had no standard for how i should be treated, much less by someone almost ten years my senior and who claimed to be my friend. but he knew better. he should have had boundaries and space and lines he refused to cross. he did not. he crippled my trust in people for a very long time. i have only become comfortable playing wow on horde side again in the past year or so. i finally stopped looking over my shoulder, /who’ing him and his guild, avoiding rp hubs. but now i feel like i can’t do that anymore. the safety i have worked so hard to achieve for myself is now threatened.

i understand my experiences are mild in comparison to what some offenders on this server have done. but at the end of the day, this year was the worst year of my life. to this day, the skype ringtone literally triggers me because i associated it with him and his endless calls that i never knew what to expect from or how to get out of. i can’t look at certain parts of the game without feeling fear. for months i held my breath going online or logging into wow because i was waiting for him to pop up and start accusing me of things or trying to guilt me into coming back.

tarc ran coram populo, a guild that, as far as i know, still staggers along with a few members who can’t be bothered to leave. whether or not he’s planning to return there, i don’t know. he organizes and runs (from what i can tell) the azerothian trade federation (whatever the fuck that is). i don’t know what his plans are. i don’t know what his online presence looks or will look like when he comes crawling back. but i beseech you, do not give him the time of day. do not give him a platform, no matter how nice and “woke” he makes himself out to be. he lures you in with humanist ideals and then sucks the absolute life out of you- and that’s if he doesn’t want to pressure you into a relationship on top of it.

to tarc: if somehow you’re reading this, stay away from me. keep my name out of your mouth. i do not want an apology and a string of half-assed, gaslighting excuses. i have records of past conversations. i have screenshots. i know what you fucking did to me and to my friends. i do not want you back. i do not want you here. i do not want to share space with you. i want you to go away and never come back. 

you alone made it so hard to trust myself and other people. thradia and i both have had to seek therapy due to you. and now, you have the audacity to come riding back into the scene on a white horse, being self righteous about abuse and predatory behavior online, and have the utter gall to condemn behaviors you yourself emulated without apology or second thought. i know you think you’re a good guy. that’s what makes you so fucking dangerous. you genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and if you do, you’ve buried it and squirreled it away and have covered it up to the point where you can turn any accusation back on the claimant. 

do not attempt to contact me. do not try to threaten or appease me. go back where you were. i am finally at home again, and you will not take that from me. go. away.

[starbuck]

I don’t know who Armitage is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask

(Hi there! I tried to type out a normal answer to this ask but it accidentally turned into a giant essay so honestly, anon, you should be afraid and I apologize in advance. If this is really Too Much, here’s an Armitage outfit-rating post I made a bit ago that covers a lot of the same content and also has additional screenshots of him for identification purposes.)

I didn’t know who he was either until about seven months ago... Well, that’s not entirely true, but it was around that time that I realized all his different appearances throughout the show were the same person and that person was the infamous Mr. Armitage. You may recognize his name by the fact that he’s being shittalked pretty much every time he’s brought up but he did some shitty things so about 75% of the time, he deserves it. 

But who is Armitage? Despite often being seen with a gun and hanging out with the marines, he’s not a marine himself, which is a common fandom misconception. Instead, he’s Terror’s gunroom steward which, despite its name, has nothing to do with guns (although he’s implied on several occasions to have the keys to the armory but whether this is a regular part of his job or a duty he just happened to be assigned, I do not know).

this was the shot that first made me notice him way back in October of last year and I had no clue who he was or why we were looking at him during the lashing

But what is his actual canonical significance? Although he is not a marine, he’s almost always seen by Tozer’s side. I like to think of myself (and the wonderful @rhavewellyarnbag) as the head archaeologists of what has been lovingly dubbed “the secret Armitage/Tozer subplot,” found only by closely studying the hidden depths beneath the surface of the show. I’ve actually been meaning to gather up all of my old meta and rewrite it to suit my current thoughts on the matter but, I’ll give it a somewhat abbreviated try here, under the cut.

The first time we properly see Armitage, he’s standing in armed defense of Tozer, immediately after Heather has been attacked by the Tuunbaq. Right off the bat, it’s a bit strange for a steward, who by any ordinary measure should be a nobody on the ship, to be protecting a Sergeant of the Royal Marines so that alone makes him stand out and I would argue that protecting Tozer becomes the cornerstone of his character.

In ep 6, while doing some of the aforementioned shittalking, Hickey says that Armitage had always wanted to be a marine, but was disqualified due to his disability, implying that he’s now somewhat of a wannabe or a fan but I think it goes deeper than that. In the very same episode, at Carnivale, we see Armitage assisting Tozer in feeding the comatose Heather, something he apparently knows how to do by this point and looks perfectly comfortable doing, which implies to me that he had been assisting in Heather’s care ever since his attack, in a similar fashion to how we see Tozer at his bedside in ep 5. And then, when all goes to shit at the end of ep 6, Armitage not only tries desperately to help Tozer save Heather from the fire but, failing that, drags Tozer out of the tent against his will, saving him from being crushed or burned to death for what was, by that point, a lost cause. Whatever Armitage’s original reasoning was for socializing with the marines, this is more than him playing out a fantasy of becoming one himself; his relationship with them, and with Tozer in particular, is personal. 

Enter: The Mutiny. Armitage was already connected to Hickey’s whole situation via participating in Silna’s kidnapping in ep 4 and then not owning up to it (remember how I said he deserves to be shittalked?) but Hickey didn’t even need blackmail to get him involved in the mutiny, all he needed was Tozer. With Tozer on board for his own reasons, Armitage’s eventual participation in the mutiny was a given. Also unhelpful to any hope of staying neutral was Armitage’s involvement in the murder of Koveyook and his family based on Hickey’s lies, as we hear about in ep 8, after which Hickey implies within his earshot that he’d like to see the armory opened. One can interpret this situation in multiple ways depending on whether Armitage had figured by that point that Hickey was the real murderer of Irving and Farr and was now in fear for his own life or whether he was still convinced of the family’s guilt and was acting purely out of racism but, regardless, it’s no surprise that, when Tozer asked him to open the armory without orders, he complied (although he was, tellingly, unable to defend this action to Little when pressed).

And so, ep 8 plays out, Tozer’s nearly hanged (much to Armitage’s dismay if you watch for him in the crowd around the gallows), the Tuunbaq interrupts, and the mutiny is on its way. But wait! Let’s not brush over Armitage saving Tozer’s life for the second time by thwacking Little, who had Tozer held at gunpoint, over the head. RIP Little’s skull but also this is the second time he was bamboozled by Tozer and Armitage within one day so… “Fool me once,” and all that…

(Also, try to tell me that appearing out of the fog in the nick of time to save the life of the person you love isn’t the most romantic thing ever? You can’t.)

But now the mutineers are their own offshoot group and things are getting serious(ly bad). At the end of ep 9 we have the scene where Armitage tries to convince Tozer to leave Hickey, which I think of as an attempt to, once again, save Tozer’s life. Although there was no way for Armitage to know the extent of Hickey’s agenda, he did know that he was being asked to assist in kidnapping Crozier, a reckless move wholly unrelated to their survival, not to mention that Hickey was clearly going nuts overall. So, to me, their conversation rings not only of Armitage grasping at their best chance of survival, but also of him trying to get Tozer out of a potentially dangerous and abusive situation. But, of course, Tozer says no and, despite his fear, Armitage stays as well, and things end how they end. 

in case it’s not clear, Armitage is the one who leans forward and reaches his hand out after Tozer is knocked out by Hickey :(

To summarize a bit more succinctly, Armitage’s narrative life is a tragedy marked by repeated failures and unrequited love with no solace or fulfillment and it sounds pretty damn depressing when I say it Like That but also, this is The Terror, so it’s really just par for the course. 

His being motivated by something as wonderful as love, and love for someone as worthy of it as Tozer is incredibly appealing to me. Not everything done in the service of love is good but I am naturally more sympathetic to it than I am to the actions of those who I believe were only in it for themselves. Harvey once said (paraphrasing here, apologies!) that Armitage might regret some of the things that happened, but he doesn’t regret why they happened, and I fully agree with that assessment. That is to say, I don’t think he set out to do bad things or was indifferent to the negative effects of the actions he ultimately took, but I also think that he loved Tozer and would have done anything to keep him safe and I really can’t hate him for that.

In fact (if this ridiculously long answer didn’t tell you already) for all his faults, I love him quite a lot! So thank you for asking and, if you made it this far, have a smiling and happy Armitage for your trouble!

[trnquilgalileo]

WayV as MDZS characters

Because I love them and I love MDZS

Ten as Wei Wuxian

Main character energy

Need I say more?

Always has something say

Never shuts up

I swear I love him🥺

Would, 100% raise the dead because he could

But he’s also so so so loving

In his own way ofc

Bad bitch vibes

Also big Lan Xichen vibes

Has « attempted » to set up his little sister with Yangyang

Would 100% set up his little brothers with someone

Kun as Jiang Cheng

Stressed

Need I really say more?

Already a father of 6

Please give this mans a vacation

The Lunar New Year video where all he would just yell and drink

Big Jiang Cheng energy

Minus the drinking

Mans is Fanon Jiang Cheng x 100 sweeter

(Cause Canon Jiang Cheng isn’t exactly healthy )

But big sweet

Fuck it, he’s also Jiang Yanli

Cause soup is life

I love Kun

Winwin as Lan Wangji

Quiet

Only loud with his members

Only sweet with people he likes

A whole mood tbh

Plus Winwin knows traditional Chinese dance

But he’s in a cpop? kpop? group

Basically Lan Wangji

Traditional man who does rebellious things on occasion

Big silent judging energy

Tell me that also isn’t Lan WangJi

Also him interacting with Ten on WINformation

Basically Wangji and Wuxian

Except Wangji is silently loving his husband

Unlike Winwin playfully debating with Ten

It’s just Ten bring out that energy in people

But yes Winwin as Lan Zhan

Unrelated, but i love winwin

Lucas as Lan Sizhui

Mans is baby

Baby energy

That’s all that needs to be said

Also after the wayv princess party

(lol what was that, I swear something awoke in them)

Hes more gentler

Which is so🥺🥺

Also he does have a way with words

Very wise in his own special Lucas way

Also imagine 6’0 Lan Shizui towering over the sect leaders like

« Let’s be friendly🥰🥰 »

Also chaotic

And let’s be honest

Lan Shizui is so chaotic

Boy was raised by Wei Wuxian for his first couple years

And Lucas big chaotic man

Hendery as Ouyang Zizhen

When Hendery first debuted he was referred to as Prince Eric

And still upholds that title to this day

Like fuck it up Hendery

Yes, king energy!!

(Omg i accidentally posted this so now I gotta type quickly)

But tell me

Ouyang Zizhen

The most romantic out of the juniors

Wouldn’t love being called a prince

Mans is a prince in and out

Also let’s be honest he is chaotic

Look at his friends

Talked back to his dad?? Yes.

Also Hendery smiling in the midst of choas is my mans Ouyang Zizhen

Xiaojun as Jin Ling

Kun’s golden child

(The only reason I included this gif)

Let’s be honest okay

Mans is also stressed

And angry

Will defend Mint Chocolate chip till the bitter end

Big Jin Ling energy

Also Bella = Fairy

I said it

He loves Bella so much

Love that father daughter relationship

But you also know who loves their dog so much

That’s right

Jin Ling

He cares for Fairy so so much

Aaaa

Give more Bella content

Also give us live action Luo Binghe as Xiaojun

They both have strong eyebrows

Yangyang as Lan Jingyi

My bias

I love him

So I’ll be the first to admit

Hes a little shit

So basically Lan Jingyi

Lan Jingyi bullying Jin Ling

Same energy as Yangyang bullying Xiaojun

I swear I love him

Also Sizhui! Lucas trying to calm both Ling! Xiaojun And Jingyi! Yangyang is everything

« Looks like a sheep but is a tiger » -Winwin

I think

That’s a paraphrase not a direct quote

But yes, Yangyang isn’t an innocent boy

Hes a naughty one that gets away with everything because look at that smile

Basically Lan Jingyi

Sassy boy.

This was so self indulgent I am so so sorry