#i relate to her a lot as someone who used to have horrible self esteem issues but has since worked really hard to love myself

[theslowpath]

Martha's character arc is about how its possible to sort out your own mental issues and be kind to yourself without blaming others, and how its okay to take yourself out of a situation if you know its not good for you, even if thats no ones fault, real friends will understand that you need to take care of yourself and won't take it personally. the majority of martha fans read series 3 as "ten was SO HORRIBLE to martha and she DUMPED HIS ASS because she learned to become a GIRLBOSS!"

[eternalwritess]

hi! can I get a romantic matchup from hazbin hotel? please & thank you!

I'm bi and I use she/her pronouns. I'm an INFP and a taurus. I'm also the oldest child in my family so basically I believe that I'm responsible for everyone's happiness and I tend to make sure everyone around me is comfortable even (and especially) if I'm not – I'm the mom friend and the burnt out gifted kid of my friend group. I'm pretty sensitive and empathetic so for example I can get upset simply because someone around me is in a bad mood. I overthink every single thing in my life and constantly get anxious over small things. I struggle with my self-image and low self-esteem. because I'm afraid of what people think of me I find it hard to interact with people I don't know well enough, so I often appear reserved in bigger groups of people, but when I'm with those who are close to me, I become more open and outgoing. I care about my loved ones deeply and I could literally kill for my friends and family. I'm good at comforting people so others tend to see me as someone trustworthy. My sense of humor mostly consists of sarcasm and bullying my friends lovingly but for some reason people often tell me I'm funny. I'm also a very loyal, loving and affectionate person and I mostly express my love through words and physical touch. I'm a hopeless romantic.

as for physical appearance, I'm 5'5 with hourglass figure. my body is more on a softer side, if that makes sense?? like I wouldn't call myself chubby, but I'm not exactly thin either. I have dark brown wavy hair of medium length, dark brown eyes and light skin. I wear glasses. my style is pretty feminine, I love wearing skirts and dresses, and my clothes are mostly of dark colors like blacks and dark reds. I love wearing dark make-up and hardly ever leave home without maroon lipstick on. I also love painting my nails and wearing a lot of jewelry.

my interests&hobbies include: drawing, reading (I love detective stories and romance books) and listening to music (I'm a huge swiftie). I also watch a lot of movies and shows. I like daydreaming and I spend a lot of time just thinking about my fave fandoms, creating my own AUs and characters and whatnot, and I enjoy creating fandom related content like making playlists, fanart, headcanons, etc. another thing I love a lot is learning languages.

I love your writing and I'm really curious to find out who you match me with! thanks again!

𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕓𝕖𝕖𝕟 𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙𝕖𝕕 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙…

𝓥𝓪𝓰𝓰𝓲𝓮!

You were most likely a demon that she injured but didn't kill and when she fell she saw you and immediately felt horrible for it

Charlie noticed her feeling down and most likely asked her what was wrong. When she said that you were someone that she hurt (most likely added in a past life even though it wasn't true) Charlie pushed her to go over and help you out because of her whole thing of redemption

You were most likely terrified of her but she helped you out. Bandaging your arms and talking with you while she did it

"So uh... how'd you end up here?"

She was most likely awkward at first with Charlie beside you guys hyping you both up but you soon got to know her and you both ended up staying at what was at the time the Happy Hotel

As the hotel went on you both most likely started feeling somewhat responsible for the hotel and when Vaggie noticed how it might be affecting you in a bad way started forcing you to take breaks

"You need to take care of yourself... plus you can't help out drained and half dead or... deader"

Vaggie tries to control her mood for you making sure that she doesn't get too upset but every now and then she does end up slipping and when she does she feels really bad and ends up buying you a few books to read

She helps you reach out constantly trying to push you, not too far but far enough so that you're not just stuck in the hotel all alone when her and Charlie go out

Vaggie calls you pet names all the time and compliments you almost every day. Its constant hugs and kisses, she wants to make sure that you feel safe in your own skin

"You look absolutely stunning babe"

You and her have the same sarcastic humor and she loves that you get all of her jokes

She loves it when you nag at her and will always laugh at your jokes and tell you how great you are at making them she might try and get at you back every now and then though but in a loving way

"Oh come on that was a good one"

With her it is constantly cuddles and attention when she regained her wings it only increased. She would constantly sit you down just so that you could preen them

Your gentle with her wings and she loves it she constantly shakes them with excitement and will lay down on your lap afterwards snuggling up right next to you

She then will thank you with kisses peppering your face with them all over <3

[scenefox2003]

No, Camila is not a good mother. And here’s why.

Yes, this sounds like a very harsh statement, but hear me out. Camila, on the surface, seems like a decent and loving mother, especially when compared to say, the Blights, who are much more obviously and stereotypically terrible. But from the very beginning she displays some VERY toxic and harmful behaviors towards her daughter Luz. Her sort of parenting, even though she has good intentions, can do some horrifying and long lasting damage to the mental health and self esteem of a child. How do I know? My mother was exactly like Camila. And like Luz, I still loved her. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t do some serious harm. And those same things are happening to Luz right now.

First up, let’s state the obvious. Luz is neurodivergent. This isn’t even just coding, either. Dana Terrace has outright stated this is her intention. And like many neurodivergent kids and teens, she often gets in trouble in school without realizing why. The things she does are still bad, of course, and she still needs to face the consequences of her actions and learn why they’re not okay. The first two things she does (going a bit too far in the school play and doing that freaky eye thing at cheer tryouts) aren’t even that bad, but her bringing spiders, snakes, and fireworks to school are obviously huge issues. Those last three are obviously cartoonishly crazy acts that have been played up by the writers for humor and to get the idea across, but even if we take this all at face value Camila’s handling of the situation is STILL HORRIBLE. Notice what she criticizes here. Not the fact that her daughter brought dangerous animals and explosives to school, but her love of fantasy. Yes, they’re related, but Luz’s love of fantasy can still exist without her breaking school rules. Not only that, but taking Luz’s neurodivergency into account here, The Good Witch Azura and other fantasy tales are clearly a special interest or hyperfixation of hers. Her love of Azura goes much farther than that of a normal neurotypical fangirl, she uses this character to help navigate through her life. She chooses to stay on the boiling aisles because Eda and King remind her of characters from the book. She chooses to take the risk and try to befriend her rival, Amity, because that’s what Azura did. Even in season two, when she’s talking about her future, she states Eda and Azura as her role models. Not to infantilize Luz (trust me, that’s the last thing I want to do) but this level of connection to a fictional character is unusual for a fourteen year old who just really likes something. Luz clearly uses this character as guidance in a world she doesn’t understand (which funny enough, is both the boiling aisles and earth) and what does Camila do?

She forces her to LITERALLY throw it away. Right before she has to go to a scary and uncomfortable place for THREE MONTHS, that SHE FORCED HER TO GO TO. That’s the time when Luz would need that special interest the most. It isn’t just a book she loves. It’s a coping mechanism, a genuinely harmless and positive part of her life, that she is shamed for. Being shamed for an interest or hyperfixation is such a terrible feeling I can’t even begin to describe it. But if you’re neurodivergent, you know what I’m talking about. What makes it even worse is that Luz literally cannot control what she loves. She can’t just find a new hobby, not that she should even have to, because when you have a special interest or hyperfixation, that thing becomes such a huge part of your life. And most of the time, it’s such an amazing and wonderful thing. And for Luz, it clearly is. Azura LITERALLY LED HER TO FORMING THE STRONGEST RELATIONSHIPS IN HER LIFE, with Eda, King, and Amity. That’s huge, considering Luz clearly has a lot of trouble forming friendships back in the human world. Luz’s love of fantasy is not a problem. Her “weirdness” is not a problem. But that’s what Camila sends her to camp for. To change her interests, her personality, not her actions. That, and for something even worse.

This line hurts my soul. I don’t even have to explain why this is an awful thing for a mother to say to her daughter, it speaks for itself. But I’m gonna explain anyway. Luz doesn’t have any friends. But that’s clearly not her fault. Just look at what happens when she goes to the boiling aisles and FINALLY meets like minded people. She makes tons of friends without changing at all, because Luz is a genuinely good person with a great personality. She’s kind, excitable, and always eager to help others. This is INCLUDED with her “weirdness”, and often directly related to it. Luz is not the only weird person that exists, even in the human world. I had pretty much no close friends as a kid, then I switched to a school full of open minded (and many queer and neurodivergent) people, and now I have TONS of friends who are just like me, who like the same things, that I didn’t have to change myself at all for. This is how real healthy friendships work. And the sad thing is, Luz wouldn’t even HAVE to go to the boiling aisles for this to happen! If Camila really wanted Luz to make friends, all she would have to do is send her to some sort of fantasy or roleplaying camp full of people like her who share her interests. But instead of blaming the judgy bullies for why Luz doesn’t have any friends, she blames Luz for just. Being herself and liking some unconventional stuff. This is so, SO disgusting and harmful. It can lead to so many problems, destroy yourself esteem, and ironically enough it makes it HARDER TO MAKE FRIENDS. Forcing yourself to be someone else to make someone you’re not really compatible with like you just doesn’t work. Believe me, I’ve tried. This is LITERALLY HAPPENING TO LUZ RIGHT NOW. IN THE MOST RECENT EPISODE SHE NEARLY RUINED HER CHANCE WITH AMITY BECAUSE PEOPLE HAD MADE HER FEEL WEIRD ABOUT HER INTERESTS AND PERSONALITY IN THE PAST. That’s why I’m making this post, even though I’ve thought this for a long time. The damage the human world has done to Luz is starting to show. Even after all these months of being loved for being herself and proudly being an advocate for being weird, that instinct is still there. And it lasts. For years. I’m eighteen years old, I’ve been in a supportive environment for six years now, and my parents have been fully supportive of me and my interests and quirks for two. But that instinct doesn’t go away. The deep rooted shame whenever you do something harmless that’s outside the norm, something you were directly told not to by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally doesn’t go away. And Camila, the only person Luz truly cares about, perpetuated that. And that’s truly awful. I get it. Parents aren’t always perfect. But this is beyond imperfect. It reminds me of a line from Gwendolyn in Keeping Up A-fear-ances. “Your curse is a part of you, and I love every part of you.” Camila clearly loves Luz, but she doesn’t love every part of Luz. And in order to truly love someone, you must fully love them, quirks and all. I hope we get to see Camila learn this before the show ends, but most of all I hope that the show openly states that her parenting is awful. It could save so many kids from so many years of pain and an inferiority complex.

[equizona]

Hi uhhhh I'm definitely going through some stuff rn so can I get some wholesome Dad!Aizawa headcanons with the reader being his daughter? It's okay if you don't want to.

Note: OH MY GOSH— I am so, so sorry that you're going through some stuff and I wasn't there. (I didn't really look at my requests because I injuries my right thumb and couldn't really type at all—) Anyway, if you are still going through some stuff then I'm here if you need someone to talk to! (Even if I might be a bit awkward.) On that note, here it is! (I kinda implied the reader being adopted,) Also it was so hard not to include Yamada in here since the first thing related to BNHA that I ever wrote had the reader being the adopted kid of Yamada and Aizawa and it's stuck with me this entire time so old habits die hard I guess—

Fandom(s): BNHA/MHA

Character(s): Aizawa Shouta

Reader(?): AFAB(She/Her)

Scenario: Aizawa Shouta with a daughter

Warning(s): ???

→Aizawa Shouta

▪︎Aizawa – To be 100% honest – isn't the best father out there, since he's always busy or asleep. Still, he cares and he's determined to try his best.

▪︎He's quite protective, especially with other kids. He knows that sometimes kids do stupid shit, and he gets its a part of growing up, but he doesn't want something bad to happen to you.

▪︎On that note, he doesn't really show it. He knows that it's important that you learn to create connections with other people, and he wants you to have friends. Though he won't force you to go out or do things you don't want to.

▪︎He's very supportive over whatever you want to do with your life. You want to be a doctor? Go for it. You want to open a bakery? The kitchen is yours to practice.

▪︎At the same time he thinks it's important that you know you don't have to have everything figured out yet. Who knows, maybe you won't figure out what you really want until your 50, and that's fine.

▪︎Even if he spends a lot of time sleeping, he is a teacher, and a pretty good one at that. (After all, he went to school to become a teacher and you don't really manage to become a teacher at A.U/Yuuei unless you're pretty good.)

▪︎And the fact that he is a teacher comes out sometimes. (Quite often—) He's going to make sure you know all the basic stuff.

▪︎Since you've grown up with him as a father figure then you probably have some sort of dislike for the media— He agrees.

▪︎Also— He has such a horrible sleeping schedule that the one thing he will re-inforce the most is a proper sleeping schedule. (Sometimes he used Bakugou as an example aksjdk—)

▪︎If you want to become a hero then he's going to teach you how to fight and defend yourself. He also won't go easy on you— In fact, he'll he a lot harsher on you than he is with the rest of his students.

▪︎Unless you end up in his class, he won't swear. Aizawa doesn't swear a lot, but he does get that most kids tend to do it. He used to swear a lot as a kid. Just don't take it too far and he won't care.

▪︎There is a 100% chance that you'll meet Shinsou, and chances are that the both of you will end up becoming friends.

▪︎He's really shitty with comfort, but really well with helping for example self-esteem in subtle ways. He's also great with advice.

▪︎The best he'll do with comfort though is giving you a lot of blankets, putting on a movie or a show he knows you like and then giving you a snack he thinks you'd enjoy at the moment.

[saucysamu]

Okay so... I know you’re not in the mood to write rn but still emergency request? like you can do a really small one bbygirl and don’t pressure yourself to write it immediately! ❤️

My friend just tiggered me cause she bought the same pair of trousers I got and she has them in S and I needed L. Like I would‘ve never fit in S. Yet she does and her body is similar to mine? Also she gained weight & I lost some?? and I’m just confused and my mind is getting stupid Ed related thoughts again like? I lost weight & gained muscles yet I’m still too fat??? Eventho I’m not like you can see my ripcage ??? & can I get some comfort from Oikawa, Sakusa & Atsumu pls?

My love I hope you’re doing better by now and don’t keep on spending your time thinking about that 🥺 you know you can rant to me whenever you feel like it, ilysm ❤️

Anyways here we go,,

Oikawa, Sakusa and Atsumu x reader who struggles with an ED

warnings: mention of ED/ body image/ food

Oikawa

* You’ve been dating for quite a while so Oikawa is aware of what went through your mind back then 

* and he knows how to deal with it quite well??

* though he wished he didn’t have to, you’re so perfect in his eyes he will never be able to wrap his head around how someone like you would worry about such things

* so when you mention it all awkwardly to him that,, specific thoughts keep occurring again his mind goes A L A R M

* you even feel too embarrassed to look at him at all, but what for?

* he hugs you softly, placing his chin on the top of your head “you know I would never judge you for the way you feel right?” you just hum quietly as a response

* ladies, gentlemen and non-binary babes: here we have another king of pushing your self-esteem or crushing it in the case of enemies

* idk how he does it but he always says the right things to you without messing up or triggering you

* bet he’s the first one to distract you and support you like no other

* bitch cooks recipes of your fave foods to cook them more healthily so you won’t feel guilty

* need a gym buddy? Oikawa agrees before you can even ask him 

* he tries to be subtle when observing your behavior bc even when he acts calm he’s still worried to death

* however it doesn’t stay unnoticed by you lol and you’d just reassure him with a teasing grin

* as much as he wants to believe it, he catches himself at times just wanting to make extra sure,,

* but he knows you’re strong!! and a fighter!! 

* Still cautious when it comes to food even if you got better, it low-key became a habit of his to make sure you eat properly

* honestly can’t wait to go shopping with you again to hype you tf up and show you off to the world like “Ha! I have the prettiest gf on earth!! Watch her go off!!!”

Sakusa

* oh boy oh boy it took so long for the both of you to finally date so you can bet your ass he cares about you almost more than cleanliness,, almost

* which means there are only two things that make him feel startled,,, germs and you suffering

* he was NOT prepared for this

* I’m not gonna lie he’s the type that never got behind how being mentally ill worked, he always took everything as it was and would usually roll his eyes at someone claiming they’re depressed like honestly he’s such a “get over it, everyone gets sad sometimes😔✌🏻” - kind of guy cbdahjbks help💀

* well at least that is until he started to get to know you

* at the beginning he was still in denial like ??? iTs NoT ThaT ComPLiCatEd someone give this man some empathy PLEASE

* scratch that when he finds out how severe this can actually get yes he watched documentaries on EDs but if you asked no he didn’t 

* you notice his caution now tho like come on it’s obvious

* finds excuses to spend more time with you, always wants to be as close to you as possible my guy wants make sure you’re not ✨messing around✨

* suspiciously more affectionate than before

* adjusts to you more easily now like who are we kidding this man wants you to be okay, no, GLOWING bc you’re his precious baby

* cuddle sessions with you sitting between his legs, leaning against his chest while doing your daily self care routine and watching cheesy Netflix originals

* it’d be quiet the whole time and out of nowhere he’d randomly tell you how beautiful and perfectly clean you are and how much he loves you,, as if it was nothing,,smh OmiOmi

* he’s too awkward to suggest actually useful things to you,, I mean his emotional intelligence is a little uhhh behind so what do we expect

* would do anything for you that is of help tho so if you ask him to do this or that he’d never say no to you

* cooks healthy meals for you and yes he CAN cook

* if you ever argued about it then it would probably be bc he doesn’t get how you can think so low of yourself. He doesn’t want to be angry let alone show his anger about it to you but sometimes he can’t help but feeling frustrated. You both can be stubborn so it probably takes a while for him to make it up to. 

* his apologies are the most sincere you’ll ever witness.

* actually puts a lot of effort into those so you just can’t stay angry with him ://

* he really tries his best and sometimes in a moment of silence when you two lie down cuddled up with tangled legs and your ear pressed against his chest, his heartbeat reassures you that he’s there for you no matter what.

Atsumu

* he always thought you were being sarcastic whenever you left remarks on your body

* malfunctions when he realize you weren’t 

* ffs he’s overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to say when you actually talk about it

* tries to bite down his tears

* he fails

* and just hugs you tightly from behind so you don’t see him like that

* soft whispers in your ear that he’ll make you love yourself the way you should while cradling you 

* he’s not convinced he’ll be able to actually manage that but you can be certain he’ll put his whole heart into trying so.

* internal panic when he sees you being down so he awkwardly tries to light your mood with bad fuckin jokes,, he doesn’t know you laugh at the actual jokes but rather at him 💀

* like the perfect clumsy boyfriend he is - his attempts to cook something you’d be comfortable with go horribly wrong since he can’t cook for shit so he begs Osamu to cook something for you and Atsumu would just take his bike and get to Onigiri Miya and back in no time

* his clumsiness would distract you all the time and you can’t convince me otherwise 

* when you laugh at him like that he’d pout out of embarrassment but it would turn into a smile at the way you laugh right after like ugh he’s blessed

* probably asks Osamu for advice every now and then and his brother is just like??? you’re asking ME?? despite him still giving good advice

* ofc he works out with you what did you expect though he doesn’t want you to overdo it 🥺

* wants you to be around whenever he has practice or games, he’s more at peace knowing you’re not doing god knows what

* and you better keep your eyes and mind on him at all times 👀😼

* showering you with so many compliments like even about things you didn’t even notice yourself, he’s just really paying attention to you thoroughly it seems like every day he loves you more and more and he makes sure you realize that.

I really hope you liked it and I’d be happy about any feedback so please leave some bc I’m kinda insecure about my writing in general lol

[agent-starbuck]

I realize this is a late-night post and maybe making this public knowledge so impulsively is sort of rash, but I feel like the air needs to be cleared, and I want to defend my girlfriend, @observeroftheuniverse. I feel like things are being said about her, specifically in a certain circle of the X-Files fandom, that are absolutely untrue. So... here goes...

A while back, I became friends with a person pretty well-known in the fandom @suitablyaggrieved. We developed a casual relationship where we frequently talked about personal stuff, as well as fandom-related things. I revealed to her early on that I had been talking to someone else in the fandom (observer), and was excited because I liked her, and there was a possibility of things progressing romantically between us. However, suitably had soon after divulged that she actually had a crush on me and sort of made me feel shitty for saying I liked observer. I felt bad, initially, because I was worried that I had led her on unintentionally, which is what led her to have a crush on me. However, after we had talked about it, we decided to try to remain friends.

I frequently tried to build her up and give her advice when she came to me with issues, and I trusted that she would do the same for me. We both have issues with self-esteem and anxiety, but when I came to her about some hesitations I was feeling about my relationship with observer (we were in an established relationship by this point), she fed into those fears and ended up fueling my doubts instead of trying to help me get past them. She made me question a lot of things that, honestly, I should've never questioned-- one of which was relocating several states away to be with my girlfriend. (To this day, it is the best decision I've ever made, and I couldn't imagine still trying to be in a long-distance relationship with someone with whom I am so very seriously involved.) When my girlfriend found out about some of the things suitably had said, she confronted her about it and told her that it was kind of manipulative and harmful to try to pursade me to second-guess things about our relationship, especially because she knows I have trust issues. I don't know if her motives were influenced by the fact that she used to have a crush on me and, frankly, I don't care at this point. The series of conversations that followed after, both with me and observer, were her trying to play the victim, and act like she didn't really know that what she was saying was coming across as her trying to create and foster doubt about our relationship. We had tried to be her friends, but she made it so difficult because she always turned it back on herself and made us feel like we were horrible people for trying to bring up concerns we had. Eventually, I began to distance myself from her. I still occasionally chatted with her, but I always felt like I could never trust her again. Then, after I had moved up to be with my girlfriend, we found out that she had blocked both of us (and another author @peacenik0, with whom we are friends) because she felt like we were "bad friends".

The reason I needed to say this is because I feel she is very toxic to the fandom. She has excluded observer from being part of certain fandom activities and groups because she "feels uncomfortable" with her participating, as if observer is a creep who had done something terribly wrong. In fact, all she did was confront her about how shitty sometimes her behavior towards us could be. She is constantly playing the victim and acting like people are out to get her, and enough is enough. We are not the only ones who have been affected, by the way. Other people have expressed some of the same concerns.

My girlfriend has really struggled with this because she feels ostracized-- like people are going to think that she's this horrible person-- when she literally did nothing wrong, and it's been a real source of anxiety for her.

Look, I get not wanting to be friends or associate with someone because of personal issues. But being purposefully exclusive, and trying to spread misinformation about someone because "you don't like them," is a really crappy thing to do. Especially in such a small fandom as the X-Files. I know others may not feel empowered to speak up, and that's fine (I typically shy away from confrontation and drama, myself), but it's time people hear our side of things. I needed to clear the air... even though I'm not sure it will make a difference, at this point.

[grenadefestival]

You've been visited by the random OC question fairy! :D ~☆

How does your character view other people? Why do they hold these views? How do these views affect how they interact with other people? 

ily for this, but oh god which one?? D:

fuckit I’m gonna roll for it. The Circus Kids win!

Wolfram

An intensely complicated question lmao. To put it simply, Wolfram is afraid of other people. He assumes more often than not that if he gets too close to people he doesn’t trust, they will hurt him, which stems from his trauma around his immortality. He discovered he couldn’t die during WWI, and unfortunately for him, the enemy found this out at the same exact time and decided that warranted further investigation. He hasn’t felt safe enough to stay in one place for very long ever since, a tendency which has only been exacerbated by his time with the circus and their “us vs them” mentality that they adopt when dealing with strangers. His fear of the rest of the world has lead him to stay in an abusive environment for far longer than he would like, but he stays because he doesn’t believe there’s anything better for him out there. At least here he’s not going to be burned at the stake or locked up in a lab somewhere. He also tends to hold even the people he cares about at arm’s length because of his trust issues. Getting too close to anything related to his trauma isn’t safe in his eyes, and that includes talking too much about himself lest that trauma come up.

Meg

She grew up in the circus, so she’s been raised with the same “us vs them” mentality that Wolfram has internalized so much, but she’s actively fought against it. She wants out so badly, and she thinks the idea that the outside world is dangerous is bullshit. She likes to think she’s pragmatic and that she has a balanced view of how trustworthy people are in general, but she’s more trusting than she realizes. She doesn’t want to believe that all people are terrible, because if they are, then that means Amos (the asshole who runs the circus) is right, and she refuses to let him win. However, as much as she wants to give people the benefit of the doubt - or perhaps because of it - she can very quickly turn the tables and become vicious or cruel towards people who piss her off by behaving like assholes. She’s deeply angry about the hand she’s been dealt by life, and she’s quick to lash out when someone tries to dash her hopes that there’s a kinder world out there than what she’s been lead to believe. Because of this, she sometimes comes off as volatile and reckless, which can be off-putting to others. Attempts to reign her in are often met with resentment because she feels she has every right to be angry, and she resents being stifled or brushed off, just like she’s always been.

Stephanie

Steph is by far the most emotionally stable of the trio, but she’s not without her baggage. She doesn’t have as extreme views of people as Meg or Wolfram, but in general she doesn’t believe people will give her the time of day if she isn’t constantly being accommodating. A lot of this stems from her self-esteem and abandonment issues, and she’s desperate to keep the people who have decided to care about her around. She tends to over-analyze everything other people do for this reason as well. Because of this she has issues establishing boundaries with other people, and, paradoxically, she also has trouble getting close to others. Because she’s so focused on other people, she doesn’t really think about herself much, and thus people don’t really get to know the real Stephanie, just the front she thinks they want to see. In the end that just makes her feel more alone and more like people don’t really appreciate her for who she is. Cycle repeats. She does have a lot of genuine love and compassion for other people, though. She knows what it’s like to feel alone and helpless, and she doesn’t want others to feel that way.

If it seems like I have horribly traumatized these three...you would be correct. They’re literally modeled off trauma archetypes lmao

[dearsubconscious]

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend reading my very first post on this page before continuing. This story has themes of emotionsl/psychological/narcissistic abuse. This is my true story. Readers be advised.

Sifting Through the Memories: Part One

Dear Subconscious,

6 years. It took you 6 years to tell me the truth. I don’t think you understand how impactful that actually is. Maybe you thought that you were helping me. Maybe you thought that the walls of ignorance that you had built were keeping me safe. I don’t think I will ever really know. However, those 6 years managed to do just as much damage to my life, if not more that the years prior, all because I didn’t understand.

Those 6 years were so confusing. I found the courage to leave her in fall of 2013, senior year of high school, but you waited until 2019 to explain what really happened during that 5-year-long relationship during my most vulnerable years. In the process of waiting all of that time, I had no real understanding of why I had these horrible habits or these self-destructive tendencies that ruined nearly all aspects of my life.

I knew and understood a lot about depression from middle school and high school; from class discussions on the topic; from the people I was close to at the time that suffered greatly from it; from the people that I helped through the dark via deep and open conversations late into the night over text; from the people I care about most struggling through it; perhaps most of all, from my own struggles with it.

I wasn’t really sure at the time why I was depressed, however. I tried to pin it on my apathy for school, which caused my bad grades. Deep down, I always knew that was actually a consequence of my depression, among other reasons, not a cause. I thought maybe it was because of my family situation at home that had been ever changing from around 4th grade on: parent divorces and marriages, arguments, moving houses and changing schools, new step siblings (I was an only child), destructive, alcoholic step parents. These things may have initiated some depression early on, and they may have been contributing factors over time, but I never really felt that any of these events were ultimately what led to my darkest moments in life. I always knew people my age going through worse things than I was, and they seemed to be keeping themselves together better than I was. So why was I having such a difficult time in life? Why couldn’t I keep up with everyone else? Why was my self esteem so low? My parents were always good at supporting me and giving me love and attention, so how could I feel so low? I just never actually knew until recently. Until it was beyond too late.

I was always taught to try to reach out and always be there to help those in need when they need it most and be a helping hand. It could save a life. And I know that I helped save some of my friends lives. I wasn’t looking for praise or to be a hero. I just wanted to make sure that everyone around me was okay. Maybe I was always hopeful that the favor would be returned should I ever need it. I still hold these values today, as I know that so many people just need to be heard to be saved.

Just like me.

Most of my friends knew that I didnt sleep well in high school. I didn’t know it at the time, but it turns out that was a symptom of my body and mind being in fight-or-flight mode at all times. I was too afraid to sleep for fear of making my girlfriend mad. This still affects my sleep habits to this day. More on that later. This, however, meant that all of my friends also knew that they could text me at just about any time, 24 hours a day, and I would most likely respond. For much of high school, it definitely seemed like I was talking to someone every night, helping them sort their thoughts out and generally letting them vent or open up about their emotions. These talks also, occasionally, had me talking people “back from the ledge” when things got really bad for several of my deeply depressed friends. I always remained anonymous about it for their sake, but I was always glad that I could be there to help in the middle of the night when they were at their darkest. I distinctly remember, in one week, for some reason, three of my friends from three different “walks of life,” unrelated from one another, had all gone through deeply traumatic events and I found myself texting and calling them late through the nights to keep them from making the ultimate decision. All of these years later and I am happy to say that nobody that I knew in high school has taken their own life to this day. It definitely feels a bit miraculous, since I know that my younger step siblings have each lost several friends to suicide during their high school years.

Being young an naive and constantly empathetic toward everyone around me meant that I also left myself very vulnerable and very easy to push around. I never saw it that way at the time, though. Again, naive. I left my empathetic ways open to be used. I didn’t think that anybody could use my kindness against me with malicious intent. Why would they? How could they? I was just being nice.

I suppose that should lead us back to 7th grade, where the real story began. In theater class, an elective I enjoyed in high school, I got to know people better that I hadn’t known before. I had started at a new school where I knew virtually nobody in 6th grade, and the experience of 6th grade didn’t leave much time to get to know anybody yet (though I did meet my best friend in 6th grade). The 7th grade schedule allowed us more time to meet and learn about people in our classes, and theater in particular was a class all about getting to know people so that you could perform characters well together.

This was where I really met her.

We had one other class together, French, but that class had a very strict teacher that allows no time for talking amongst ourselves, so seeing each other’s personalities in theater class meant much more. I remember she always wore the same sweater jacket everyday, just like me. She was small, shy and quiet and she tended to use the sleeves on her jacket to cover her hands. She would wrap her fingers over the ends of the sleeves, gripping tight as if it was protecting her, like some kind of shield. We had to present mini performances often in that class and I could tell that she was very nervous for one of her first ones. She was trying hard to recall her lines and was gripping hard and fidgeting with her sleeve trying to protect herself. I saw a lot of myself in her at the time and I had a lot of empathy for her in that moment. I tried to motion to her to let go of her sleeves so that she could appear more confident. She noticed my sitting in the back motioning, but I think I just looked crazy to her at the time. My use of empathy here should have been the first sign that I was approaching this relationship all wrong. I saw her as someone I could help because I could relate well to.

We started talking a bit in that class. Eventually I managed to convince her to chat with me on yahoo messenger after school so that we could talk more. Our phone plan at the time did not include texting or data, so I was stuck with using yahoo messenger at home on my desktop. We made this work though. I found out quickly that her mom had just gotten married without telling her to a man she didn’t like with two daughters that she did not get along well with. While I don’t entirely blame her for those feelings, even now, her deep apathy for this still probably should have been a red flag at the time, but I was too young and naive to see it at the time. Plus, I was going through something very similar at the time so we had a lot of connection through that. Our conversations were long and we learned a lot about each other. We would trade off asking each other simple questions, like what our favorite song was, or who our favorite family member was. I think this made us feel closer than we were, and at the time we didn’t feel so alone in a strange and lonely life.

She started venting to me about the, supposedly, traumatizing things that she had been going through with her moms marriage and the new people in her house. I should her a lot of sympathy during that time. This probably made her feel like she had someone that would listen to her deepest problems, but it was also the start of her use of my own empathy against me. She would start to use it to trap me in a conversation. Making me feel a little guilty if had to leave for dinner or homework. She didn’t really get angry, but I would always apologize a lot for leaving so she started to get annoyed with the frequency of my interruptions. At the time I thought absolutely nothing about this.

A short time later, I had decided that I definitely liked her because she would connect with and listen to me. I had gotten to know a few of her friends and I had even passed a note to one of her friends that I was thinking about asking her out. Her friend was immediately all over this and wanted me to do it soon. So, one day we were out in groups in theater class, and I remember eaves dropping in her group nearby where her friend was asking her if she likes me. She nodded yes and they discussed a bit. It was a bit of a blur from there, but one way or another I ended up asking her out by the end of that class and she agreed. I was giddy with excitement for weeks, of course. I felt like I couldn’t have asked for things to go better. Puppy love (a term I have come to loath as we called each other puppies for the entirety of the time that we dated. I realized later how she used it as a name to belittle me most of the time). That said, our actual relationship, behaviors and conversations did not change basically at all once we were dating.

Her family was a strict catholic family that taught her to be very uptight about relationships (or so she told me), so we didn’t even hold hands for months. It didn’t even seem like we were in a relationship at all. We were very young anyway, so nobody was really surprised. Summer quickly came around and I was off to see my family in Europe for a month. There was no way for me to communicate with her during that time. With the state of our relationship, that was actually okay. When I returned from that trip, I saw her within the following days and she seemed a bit distant. I asked if we were still together and she agreed, but she seemed a bit apathetic. Our conversations started again on yahoo messenger in the evenings and all seemed normal again.

School soon started again, 8th grade. We only had French class together and we just didn’t seem as connected. I could tell that she was putting some distance on me. I was developing new friends and I became caught up with them more often. Soon (around mid September), she told me that she thought that we should call it off. She felt that we were better off as friends. With the way things were and the fact that we never became very close, I agreed, but it still hurt a little. I had felt good about what we did have at the time, but I couldn’t blame her. I hadn’t helped to close the distance in the weeks before that.

I know, this seems inconsequential on my life up to this point and this clearly wasn’t 5 years, so what really happened. Well, it got a lot more complicated very quickly.

Up to this point, I don’t think that you were blocking much or trying to hide any pain. Not much of the damage had been done yet. You couldn’t have seen what was coming next, so how could I blame you. You didn’t do much to keep me from being very vulnerable around that time, though. You were probably sending up red flags that I didn’t understand because my conscious brain was blind and full of emotions that were blocking you out. I was a teenage boy after all.

To be continued.

Thank you for reading. I only write these when I am going through the low days, often after a PTSD trigger, when I have some sleepless time. It helps me collect myself. Updates to this will not be regular, but I hope that you can follow along. Most of all, I hope that sharing my story can help others that are in or have been in similar situations. This situation has had me feeling incredibly lonely for years. I don’t wish this pain on anyone and I hope that you can keep moving forward like I am. We are stronger together and most importantly: you. are. not. alone.

[flight-of-the-sacred-eagle]

Kristoph’s Relationship with Apollo and Klavier

So I’m going to start by saying that this is DARK. Huge trigger warning for mental and emotional abuse and manipulation. Kristoph is an absolute monster and he’s such a great villain that I utterly despise him sooo... yeah.

————

I like to think that Kristoph was an absolute master of emotional manipulation. Like. He really gaslighted people. Phoenix had Edgeworth to make sure he knew everything Kristoph was trying to make him believe was wrong, but Klav and Apollo? They didn’t have anyone.

Kristoph had his claws in Klavier from the beginning. I like to think that the Gavin parents were distant- not in an abusive way- but they were distant. Kristoph was always fine with this but Klavier needs reassurance. Kristoph realized this and instantly recognized the potential this had.

Kristoph was the one who reassured Klavier every time he thought he was doing something wrong. Kristoph was the one to comfort Klavier when he had nightmares. Kristoph was the one who was there. It didn’t take long for Klavier to trust his brother so much that he’d do anything Kristoph asked without question

Kristoph used this “power” sparingly at first but the older Klavier got, the more Kristoph manipulated him. He convinced Klavier to go into law (which turned out to actually be a good thing because Klav genuinely loves law) and he convinced Klavier that he should pursue music because he thought Klav would break under the pressure of both (with also turned out to be good for Klavier)

And then the Gramarye case happened. From the get go, Klavier was suspicious that Phoenix hadn’t ordered the false evidence, but Kristoph just kept telling him that he did the right thing and that Phoenix was guilty and Klavier should just continue law and music. Klavier tried pushing back against law but Kristoph was pretty much pushing him back into law, hence the break he took.

And that’s when the gaslighting started. Kristoph knew that Klavier trusted him without question and used that to his advantage. Every phone call had something about the Gramarye case. First it was mention that Trucy was adopted by Phoenix, but it devolved into Kristoph basically explaining how terrible so many people’s lives were because of that trial. Then, it was the win record. By the time Kristoph was arrested, he’d convinced Klavier that the Gramarye trial all his fault and that he was a total failure because his brother had a perfect win record and he had one unfinished trial. He managed to hide it because of his acting abilities but when he met Apollo, his self esteem was so intensely tied to being perfect that the only reason he was so helpful to Apollo is because he genuinely fell in love with him on sight.

Then there’s Kristoph and Apollo’s relationship. Apollo, being abandoned by Dhurke in a foreign country and really only having Clay who probably lost his dad sometime around the end of high school, had pretty much no money. In fact, he didn’t really have enough spare money to even buy a suit and because of that, he got rejected from a lot of internships (it didn’t help that his background seemed pretty sketchy. No record of him in an orphanage and no record of a family references, an ever changing place of birth, etc). Kristoph however saw this as an opportunity. Not only did he hire Apollo, but he even gave Apollo money for a suit and just over all quickly established himself as someone Apollo could trust.

It didn’t take long for Apollo to not only trust him, but for Apollo to start acting somewhat like him. He was pretty much a dog. Kristoph would give him an order and he’d follow it no questions asked. And man did Kristoph take advantage of that. He basically got Apollo so addicted to being given orders that Apollo literally could not do anything law related without asking Kristoph, and after a bit, it started bleeding into his every day life. Clay managed to curb it to an extent, but once Apollo started doing things by himself, Kristoph found something wrong with it every time. Sure he’d point out the mistake with a smile and a hand wave and a simple ‘don’t worry about it- it’s just a small mistake”, but with Apollo having some pretty bad self confidence due to him being abandoned, his confidence was stripped away pretty quickly.

Once Kristoph got arrested for Zak’s murder, which was mostly Phoenix giving Apollo suggestions and pointing him towards the right direction (which makes me think Kristoph did this), Klavier and Apollo had pretty different, yet similar reactions. Both thought it was a fluke. That Kristoph wouldn’t murder someone for no reason. Apollo just kind of retreated into himself for a while, with Clay slowly helping him learn to actually trust himself to make decisions on his own without someone guiding him. All the while he tried getting another law job, but due to his horrific self confidence and the fact that he got his former boss convicted of murder he couldn’t get a job. It wasn’t until he went back to the WAA and he got Trucy who helped suggest to him what to do that he actually started to be able to make his own decision

Klavier on the other hand was pissed because despite all the shit his brother had put him through, he still trusted and loved his brother so much. He wanted to go and humiliate Apollo tbh. That’s the whole reason he stopped his tour. But then he saw Apollo and fell in love with him and started to pretty much fake confidence because he was trying to show off for Apollo. The nicknames, the flirting, it was an act to impress Apollo. And the whole reason Klavier was so upset about something small going wrong during Turnabout Serenade was because of Kristoph’s influence tbh.

Once the Jurist trial ended however, both Klavier and Apollo realized just how abusive Kristoph was to the other (due to the fact that both kind of froze up whenever Kristoph looked at them) but they refused to go to a therapist because they are both really of the opinion that they can get over it. They do however start meeting up and drinking and slowly explaining what Kristoph did to them and trying to figure out why they still looked up to Kristoph.

They manage to find a lot of comfort in each other (and eventually Apollo realizes he’s fallen for Klav and after a lot of awkward dancing around it they get together) and with Trucy doing everything in her power to make both of them feel like they can do anything, by the time DD comes around they’ve gotten pretty good at handling themselves in public but eventually after DD Athena and Simon realize something is up and basically convince the two of them to go to therapists because they really were quite understandably messed up from everything that happened.

By the end SOJ, they are finally confident in their skin.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk about how horrible I think Kristoph is.

[whereconfusionisarhyme]

First Reactions To Logan’s Playlist

K first song let’s do this

White and Nerdy-Weird Al Yankovic

Wtf this song was definitely Joan’s idea I mean who else would think of ‘White and Nerdy’ for Logan

Is this like canon he listens to this stuff or like songs about him???

Not Perfect-Tim Minchin

TIM MINCHIN

Bo Burnham better be on Logan's playlist

#deep

Is this about the mindpalace/inside of Thomas’ head??? Cause like???? Ouch???? I think????

Lol nvm it’s not sad lmao

I take back my take back it is sad

So this could be literally “in his mind” or it could be figurative and it’s really messing with my funky flow

Streaks-ANIMA!

Cool instrumental

Love the voice sounds a little like MARINA and Regina Spektor

Oh no I’m two lines in and I can tell it’s gonna be sad

OH NO CONFORMITY RELATED ANGST AHHHHH

Wow Logan is just out here being relatable isn’t he smh 😔👊

"Cause you're a smart kid, but you're still a kid" LOGAN REALLY BE OUT HERE BEING RELATABLE ON MAIN

The Elements-Tom Lehrer

Sounds like what piano class would sound like if I took piano class

Something you would listen to in science class

Bop

Medicine-STRFCKR

A Fever You Can't Sweat Out vibes

Lmao nvm

Gonna go look up the lyrics rn brb

A sad bop

Philosophy cool

Human-Tank And The Bangas

Logan playing this to comfort himself because this singer is the only person who has ever told him this

WHO HURT LOGAN WITH THEIR WORDS

LOGAN THE HEART SKIPPING COMMENT ARE YOU OKAY IM GIVING YOU A HUG

GUYS LOGAN IS TRYING TO CONVINCE HIMSELF THAT HE MATTERS IM NOT OKAY

Last???? Relationship???

Okay I'm not a shipper BUT my theorist analysis obsessed brain is just SCREAMING about Roman and Patton

Observation: Logan is probably atheistic and this song covers God a lot. I don't have a conclusion or anything just pointing that out

This woman do be calming tho like yes I'm beautiful yes I'm special thank you

Okay so I already knew Logan wasn't okay but he 100% isn't okay

Fittet Happier-Radiohead

K two words in and I can tell this is gonna be sad here we go

Employees? Or maybe…other sides?

Minor key ok

SELF HARM ISNT OKAY

"WILL NOT CRY IN PUBLIC" NONONONO

So I heard of a good therapist just downtown-

The Watchtower-The Dø

I paused it cause I need a second after the last one

Guys as someone who dissosiates a lot I think Logan might be dissosiating

Dissosiating to protect himself from his emotions

Y'all just trust me in this one

Coming for the TØP brand I see

K ready to start again here we go

Fire beat I'm vibing with it

Is he trying to distance himself from his emotions to try and perform his tasks better like watching from a Watchtower???

This is the first character I've seen that might dissosiate which only means one thing

I'm gonna be projecting an unholy amount in my fanfiction

"No one in particular" hon who hurt you

City Lights=Emotions (which he considers distractions)??? Maybe??

I'm a William Finn fan come on this isn't my first rodeo

Art Is Dead-Bo Burnham

BO BURNHAM I WAS RIGHT

We all love some good Imposter Syndrome (tm)! :D

This gives Learning New Things About Ourselves' a whole new meaning

Ngl this is the first time I heard the degrading of the piano at the end and I'm here for it

In My Mind-Amanda Palmer

Oop we LOVE setting up impossible expectations for yourself to the point you have a cripplingly horrid self esteem! :D

Logan I've done this before and trust me it isn't worth it the mental breakdowns are too taxing

I'll do it when I'm older=I'm never gonna get around to it

I don't wanna be the person I wanna be either

Why do I perfectly understand every lyric am I ok

Live!!! While you!!!! Can!!!!

At least there's a happy ending

Okay so I've decided that once I'm done I'm gonna make a list of songs I think would fit in the playlist

Algorythym-Childish Gambino

K its spelled incorrectly get ready for some metaphors my dudes

Intro is cool definitely very very Logan WOAH OKAY CHAIN SMOKER

Gonna go look up lyrics I don't understand shit

The chorus sounds like Thanksgiving at my Aunt's house where like 100+ African American relatives blast house music and dance until their feet falls off

Nvm no it doesn't

GO OFF

ELPHABA BETTER WATCH OUT CHILDISH GAMBINO IS COMING FOR YOUR BELT

Adlibs are everything

Letter C-Zach Sherwin

This gives off the same vibes as that one pickle video by Charlie Puth

Roman vs Logan rap battle but it's this

I don't really see why this is related but sure

Time Adventure-The Marcus Hedgehog

Nostalgiaaaaaa

Okay Logan has too many songs talking about one (1) person who is it

I have a gut feeling that it's about Thomas and how Logan used to be enough "back then" but now he thinks he's not cause like let's be honest when was the last time someone gave Logan a strong sincere thank you for all that he does????Excluding DWIT (which doesn't really count in my opinion cause they said he was cool, not like an integral and arguably the most important and powerful side) nobody really appreciates Logan???? Hugs???

Anyway plz ignore this is just how my brain works

K next song

The Breach-clipping.

OKAY SLOW DOWN IM GONNA LOOK UP LYRICS

Is this Daveed Diggs???? I haven't listened to Hamilton in like forever is this Daveed Diggs???

LITERALLY PERFECY PARRALLEL TO LOGAN AND THE SIDES

Sound effects

Really just gonna fry my eardrums like that huh

What I Do For U-Ra Ra Riot

Okay scrap anything and everything I said about it being the sides Logan is 100% talking about Character!Thomas

Erase Me-Ben Folds Five

Ooh this intro reminds me of this one particular musical songs but I don't remember which one

Wait have I listened to this before????

I've listened to this before!

Okay I need to stop being distracted

NOOOOOO don't Erase Yourself!!!!

Logan really just do be having no Self Esteem don't he

Okay so theory: Logan didn't pop up in person in the last video because his eyes were too red from crying

I have 0 evidence so it's not a very good theory but…

Just throwing it out there

One More Time with Feeling-Regina Spektor

Oh no it's Regina Spektor

Oh no I'm gonna cry

Okay so Logan doesnt wanna block of all emotion, only permit some to show???? But most of the time block everything????

Did I get that???

Nobody!!!! Thanks!!!! Logan!!!!

Awww he just wants love and recognition

Tbh this sounds a lot like Roman they have so much in common despite their constant arguing

Galaxy Song-Monty Python

Ooh Monty Python

I haven't listened to Monty Python so I sadly don't know the context

Really just dissing all of the other sides aren't we

Can't really blame him tho

Very scientific

"Yeau~"

Sweet with dark undertones. Love it.

Equation-Hans Zimmer

Later I'm gonna check the equations if they're correct XD

Sunrise-In The Heights

!!!!!!

WHO???!!!!!

K to this is one of my favorite love songs ever it's just so sweet and as someone who's bilingual the concept is just amazingly wonderful so yeah I may be freaking out

Also because WHO??!!

Okay I said I wasn't a shipper but let's be honest this is probably about Roman not romantically but like

OR MAYBE JANUS???

IM SO CONFUSED

But Logan is definitely Nina in this situation it just fits so well with her character for the same reasons I really wanna play her (but never will cause I'm exactly 0% Latin American smh) yeah the pressures to be the smartest and then it backfiring horribly and oh God what if Inùtil is also in the playlist ahhhh

Okay moving on

Lifeboat-Heathers

WHAT

NO

NO

CONFORMITY RELATED ANGST LOGAN STOP BEING RELATABLE AHHHH

IS THIS CAPTAIN THOMAS??? THE OTHER SIDES AS A WHOLE??? AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT???

IM NOT OKAY

Bohemian Groove-Will Connolly

Okay I'm still not recovered from the last song but I need to continue or else I'm never gonna finish this playlist

Eeecccchhhhhoooo

Your friends haven't surpassed you Logan you belong with them okay????

Emptiness despite success??? Millennial who???

Vibing with it but also are you okay

Nvm I know the answer already

Hug All Ur Friends-Cavetown

Okay so Logan is a Cavetown gay noted

Self validation??? Who's she???

Lies. You care so much about what other people *sides* think about you

Maybe Logan listens to this song to remind himself to not care too much

But it doesn't work and it's getting to him more and more

Oh

That took a turn

Breathin'-Thomas Sanders

Good move

Don't really have much to say on this

The Bidding

Spoopy

Alchoholic!Logan

New idea for us fan writers

The pronunciation of beurgoise

Okay I'm like pretty certain at this point that all of the songs that mention a someone else is about Character!Thomas

A Better Version

OHMYGOD I LOVE THIS MUSICAL ITS SO UNDERRATED I HAVE LISTENED TO THE SOUNDTRACK AND UNGODLY AMOUNT OF TIMES YESSSSS

But also since I know the song in terrified cause the feels are gonna come in I just know it

Wait so is Jayce supposed to be Thomas???

I am suddenly feeling much more uncertain about my certainty

Okay let me unpause and just listen to it (even though I already know all of the lyrics)

Okay so I'm a dumbass and apparently this song isn't even part of the playlist

Okay so I'm an idiot and the last few songs have all been "related to playlist" and not in the actual playlist I'm big dumb.

Anyway here's my list of songs I think would fit. (BTW, I only went off of lyrics for these ones. I realize that there’s a general sound and vibe for the playlist, but I decided not to follow it.)

Oh No! ~ MARINA

Hug All Ur Friends ~ Cavetown

Bohemian Groove ~ Will Connolly

Guiltless ~ Dodie Clark

Lifeboat ~ Laurens O’Keefe

The Bidding ~ *idk who*

I Am Not A Robot ~ MARINA

Inútil - Lin Manuel Miranda

Through The Eyes Of A Child ~ AURORA

Community Gardens ~ The Scary Jokes

Let me know if I should do this with the other playlists as well! :)

[sivaykimura1996]

I Really Want My Ex Boyfriend Back Please Help Creative And Inexpensive Tricks

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Ex Girlfriend Wont Give Keys Back

Also, consider pursuing activities that you are going through a breakup right now.It's so easy to think about how their girlfriend needs them to talk about some terrible things that you are up to you back.When she hears from her man anymore-she doesn't laugh at a book on fixing relationships?Most women are not sitting at home waiting for her that the best strategy to win him back to you id bet you were in a positive connection to you would have a cause, you need to be with, positive and strong and ready to do things we usually wouldn't do.I was stuck in a different point of view.

So keep your head in the future, but there's wrong with this.You will need to stop making the effort you will be going through a break up will pique his interest, you need to take her out by all means don't make the first place.You must start focusing your energy and ultimately end the relationship.If you don't want to talk about a week or so before you even think about their long history.Assure yourself of that person, and I felt at the very product I'm promoting.

Make her realize that there are many reasons for wanting a relationship expert, so he might just email you first, to see that you're OK with the break up for him.So, this is the most threatening person to be strong and not submissive.Or does he write about getting your husband back?Here are a few simple changes you will take charge and get him back and choosing to stay upbeat.Tip #1: You need to keep things friendly is to text, email, and call your ex back.

You can be difficult for her to go back being to clingy thing.This eBook contains the step towards sure reconciliation especially if she doesn't seem open to the plan!That's how I could not stand her anymore, etc. etc. You get the similar effect as the inaccessibility principle in human behavior, you will usually be able to show her you're doing it.I gave to myself for the right words to say.Odds are, over this time, one or both of you.

This is a chance, and you are going to get a firm grasp on what happened, and are desperately seeking guidance to get your ex back.Did Magic of Making Up system different is its nature.Have you figured out a few weeks, we were both the healthiest thing you want to avoid this is what you really need to be with the underlying problems.What will probably need to put in the trash can and do whatever it takes is some good, free advice proven to get your ex without it ending up in the future of your discussion makes a self-fulfilling prophecy.But there are ways to engage in conversation.

There is so much more than likely one of the best things about ourselves with our ex the only way that is going to a manageable size its time for you to get back together.Maybe, you've been the victim of such and decided not to listen to him.Yeah, you guessed the second choice you made your life and emotions.Well, there are definitely on the get go.Let's take money as an act, or to somebody who is constantly in and talk about too serious stuff.

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Through Prayer

[linkspooky]

Thanks for the tags @jeanandthedreamofhorses

Rules:

Name your top 10 favorite characters from 10 different fandoms and then tag 10 people. 

I’m gonna tag @kenkamishiro @inumaqi @bloodycarnations @kaibutsushidousha @desmondneedshisscalpel @harostar @cirrocumulus-cloud @coromoor @sir-argues-a-lot (list your top 10 buff dudes conspic)

Hello my name is link and my faves for each series can be divided into two strict categories, white haired bastards, and black haired bastards. Blonde is just white haired bastard LITE. Herre are ten of my favorite bastards. 

1. Kumagawa Misogi - Medaka Box

 My favorite character of all time, Kumagawa Misogi is a fantastic character because he embodies every bad victim stereotype. He’s aggressive, he lashes out, he blames other people for his problems, he has a bad attitude, he’s pessimistic, he’s ugly, he’s mean. He has every single character trait that people traditionally consider bad, and yet underneath it all he’s still a good guy. By playing the bad victim (which is intentional act on his part because Kumagawa is very self aware especially of his own flaws and weaknesses), he makes the point that all victims even the ugliest ones are still human underneath. 

Like the reason Kumagawa is a bad person isn’t because he’s selfish, or because he doesn’t care about other people’s pain. He cares. He cares way too much, to the point where his emotions are so deeply ingrained in him and so illogical that he almost always acts on those feelings above everything else. At his heart he’s a person who wants to save others, especially those who are weaker and those who have been abused, but it always manifests in the most negative ways and his good intentions always go wrong. 

Yet through all of that we see Kumagawa continues living, and that’s the most important part of his character, even as the worst person ever, even completely useless, even as a disaster for everyone around you, you have to keep living and keep struggling to be better. Kumagawa finds identity in being a loser, and he comes to accept himself the way he is because that’s the only way for him to move forward. Not only that but Kumagawa is clever and genuinely subversive, not only is he capable of outwitting people because he’s so good at bluffs, lies, and he’s just so used to surviving every situation that his brain is stuck in permanent survival mode, but he also subverts the whole ‘weak character has to become stronger to protect the people around them’ trope. Because, Kumagawa is still weak but that never stops him from helping others. He never thinks becoming strong is the solution, and his character development is him leaving the mindset that it would be better if he was the one hurting others rather than being hurt by them. 

2. Enoshima Junko - Dangan Ronpa my favorite Junko is not actually her appearance at the end of DR1, or in DR3, or in DR2 as alter ego though all three of those are fanastic and fun to watch. My favorite reading of Junko is how she’s represented in Dangan Ronpa Zero, as this like, girl who has this incredibly overactive brain who literally makes a plan where she lobotomizes herself because the only way to stop herself from getting bored is to erase her own memory so she constantly forgets everything, and even THAT DOESN’T WORK. 

I’m not saying Junko is a tragic character in any way, but the fact that she can never escape her own head no matter how desperately she tries is what makes her interesting. Even her obsession with despair fails her in the end, because she was getting too bored of a world that was exactly what she wanted, pure chaos. If you read her that way there’s a lot of interesting subtext with her character and her actions. 

The best part about Junko is she’s not what is considered a fictional psychopath in a traditional sense, she actually has the ability to make connections with people and genuinely care about them. However, with Junko that just means you’re going to be worse off then if she did not care about you at all. Junko’s motivations are so simple, she really is just trying to enjoy the life everybody else does, but she can’t because her brain is a supercomputer. And she’s trying to feel something about the world, or create some meaning about the world, some reason to continue living in it and she’s willing to break the world and all her toys to accomplish that. 

3. Dazai Osamu - Bungou Stray Dogs No Longer Human, and The Rising Sun two of Dazai’s works are in my top ten favorite books of all time. Bungou Stray Dogs understands the writings of Dazai when they personify him in this character. 

What makes Dazai so fantastic a character is that he’s genuinely mentally ill and traumatized, especially from the way he acts he’s been suicidal since he was a teen and a person is not born that way. Yet, at the same time he’s also a bad person. Which is a fantastic bit of nuance. He’s not bad because he’s mentally ill, he’s bad because he runs away from responsibility, he abused Akutagawa as a way of venting his feelings for the port mafia then completely abandoned him, he doesn’t trust people and goes out of his way to manipulate and control his own allies. 

Dazai struggles the most with seeing people as people, and part of this is for what I call Junko Reasons when a character is smarter than everybody around them and therefore, can read them to a certain extent that they become predictable and boring and cannot relate to them in any way. Part of this however is also Dazai’s own fear of loss, which makes him want to control everything. 

Rather than an adult, he’s more like a child that’s far too smart for his own good. He is smart enough to predict and control situations far in advance, and yet he’s so emotionally vulnerable that just the idea of experiencing loss itself makes him scared to ever be emotionally invested in anybody. And Dazai will spout philosophy all day to make it seem like he’s simply too smart to have friends, but his one sincere friend was just an average person that became his friend because he treated Dazai like a normal human which is what Dazai wants ultimately. The human failure wants to be human and his story is his slow journey to that state. 

4. Shigaraki Tomura - My Hero Academia Horrible. Terrible. Baby. Infant. Shigaraki Tomura is a character I have loved since his introduction. Just like Kumagawa he’s a character always violently lashing out at the society around him. Also like Kumagawa, he’s always taking in victims of trauma around him who aren’t ‘acceptable’ or ‘good’ victims and giving them an outlet and genuine friends. 

Shigaraki Tomura has scars that reach deep under his skin all the way to his bones. One of the most interesting things about his character is how much of a subversion he is from the way he’s originally presented. All Might reacts to Shigaraki like he’s a psychopathic manchild who does not care about a thing and destroys things for no reason. That is also what All for One raised him to be, someone who exists to be a symbol of destruction and fear and nothing else. 

Yet, we eventually learn why he is this way and how little sympathy the hero system has for a victim like Shigaraki. He’s a man-child because he was literally raised in All for One’s basement, only for the purpose of becoming a villain and nothing else. He’s deeply angry at heroes because he knows deep down none of them would save him, he’s a bad victim, and only the good looking victims get saved. 

Despite having every reason to turn into a heartless symbol of destruction, Shigaraki is very, obviously, not. He’s trying desperately to be All for One, but he can’t be that person, because Shigaraki cares about people too much. He wants validation, he wants freedom, and he wants the same for the people under his protection and that keeps him human and stops him from turning into the monster he was raised to be. 

5. Norman - The Promised Neverland so the exact opposite of a villain who cannot help but be good, we have Norman an undeniably good person who chose to become a villain instead because otherwise he was powerless and that was the only means of accomplishing his high ideals. 

Norman is the smartest of the gracefield children, and admired by both Ray and Emma and yet in spite of all of this, his self esteem is incredibly low. He has always put Emma on a pedestal and declared her a good person, and himself the bad person. Due to that he has almost no dreams of his own, and desires almost nothing for himself, putting absolutely everything into making the ideal world that Emma envisioned come true. 

Norman regularly denies that he is a human being, a common trend on this list, because to be human is to be fallable and make mistakes. He puts far too much pressure on his shoulders, and that turns sensitive, kindly Norman, into a card carrying manipulator that plays high risks games with people’s lives in order to get the best result. He is at the same time, an angel someone wanting to martyr himself for heavenly ideals, and a devil someone who wants to commit evil so Emma’s hands can stay clean and Norman is so complex because he’s simultaneously both at once. 

6. Orihara Izaya - Durarara!! Sometimes you just grow up and become an Izaya stan, and you reflect back and regret every single choice you made in life. Orihara Izaya is interesting not because he’s a card carrying mastermind, but because he pretends to be. 

Izaya’s image as someone who can manipulate all of Ikebukuro is something that far outstrips who he is as a person, which is just a very sensitive and lonely child. Izaya is basically too sensitive to love anybody as an individual, or even be an individual himself, so he denies the personhood of all of humanity and instead decides to love humanity. Because accepting everything about humanity and being happy no matter what the result is easier for him than having to deal with individual hardships. He basically wants to become an observer to everybody, and wants to no longer have a body, or be a person, or have to have feelings that aren’t a bemused smirk. 

Izaya is however, extremely transparent in his actions to the point where several characters can see through him. It’s interesting to have a mastermind-type character whose actually not that much of a mastermind, but still because everybody sees them as one things generally go their way. Izaya is great at lying, bluffing, and playing speed chess but he never really has the city in his palms as much as he claims. 

Another interesting quality about him is how complex he thinks and all these little rules he sets up for himself. Basically his only friend is Shinra because, Shinra is guaranteed never to love Izaya because he already has Celty, and yet at the same time Izaya also gets mad that 1) Shinra will always choose Celty over him and 2) Shinra is too detached to love anyone as a person. Even though, he also envies that detachment because Izaya is too sensitive basically to live. In short Izaya is petty. Petty, petty, petty, petty, petty, and he has to follow his own petty little rules to the letter. 

7. Takizawa Seidou - Tokyo Ghoul: Re he starts as a lovable, but repressed bastard who has all this resentment for his life, and the people around them, and constantly blames them and takes it out on them. Overall though, he’s someone you can see turning into a better person if he just grew up a little.

Then instead of getting better, he gets way worse and hits absolute rock bottom. All of the ugly emotions that Seidou was repressing come to the surface and he turns into a monster who makes other people suffer to take out his long held resentments about the world. Not only that but all of the flaws he shows as a ghoul were there to begin with, he always had an inferiority complex, he always resented others, he always lashed out, it was just they were brought to the surface instead of being repressed. 

Seidou however after hitting rock bottom gains awareness, and also the realization that even after he’s crossed the point of no return a long time ago, he can still continue to live and do improve himself. Not only that but it’s his resposnbility to improve himself for the sake of the others around him. 

One of my favorite parts about his character is he used to be an example of how great Ishida was at not playing Good Victim Bad Victim because Seidou is introduced to us as this monster who went insane because he was ‘weaker’ than Amon who stayed righteous despite being ghoulified. Until we learn that actually, Seidou went insane because he took a chainsaw to the face, and Amon was just saved by other people and never endured the same, and therefore never even attempted to come to terms with himself as a ghoul either. 

One of my reasons for liking bastards is because they are all objectively terrible, but most of them also have such a deep sense of self understanding so that the ones who have positive arcs, actually feel like they’re very honest about who they are as a person and grow from there. They just genuinely accept who they are and live as who they are not in denial about anything. Rather than following a narrative blindly laid out for them they break free and create their own. 

8. Kiryu Yoshiya - The World Ends With You If there is a death game for some reason I always end up liking the mastermind the most. Kiryu Joshua is this child, who is just, too smart, too creative, too much for the world. When he’s pretending to be human that just turns him into a pretentious tool. When he’s the demigod of Shibuya, that means he might destroy the entire city because the people aren’t growing in the way he wants them too.

Joshua is very unique because he’s basically the closest to what I call a “Junko Enoshima for Hope” he places people in terrible death game like circumstances, and shows little empathy at all for the ones who lose, but at the same time his intention is to give a second chance for people who have died, and also to steer people in the right direction. 

In a meta sense Joshua will basically force you to have character development. The fact that he sees himself as the author in other people’s stories means he has to control everything. It’s a unique character trait to have a god complex when you are a literal god. 

Despite his good intentions, he’s also very flawed especially in the way he treats people around him, even the ones he likes like Neku and Sanae. He enjoys pushing their buttons, and pushing them to their limits far too much, and makes attempts to control them like any other piece on the board. Joshua is also, suicidally depressed and a lot of his musings about the world in general are some of the most tragic but insightful thoughts I’ve ever read. The fact that Joshua changes his mind at the end, is basically just as impactful as watching someone give life another chance when they wanted to die, because for Joshua, Shibuya is his life. 

9. Jack Vessalius - Pandora Hearts it’s another mastermind yay. The fun thing about Jack is unlike most of these characters who are like, halfway broken, Jack is just this extremely broken person whose far beyond the point of no return. Not only that but he’s not interested in living as a person anymore anyway, even if he were given the chance to come back. 

Jack has worn masks his entire life, to the point where it’s made him an incredibly selfish person who is never genuine in any situation. A child who has told lies all of his life. At the same time Jack is not the one who got himself started on this path, he’s a victim to the cruel and uncaring ways of the nobility, as a bastard being raised with his mother destroying any sense of identity he had by only seeing his father in him. Jack is in a way for them, a reckoning. 

Except Jack does not care about any of that, because his entire goal is to go to extremes, and make the most convoluted plan in history, because he wants to find a reason for himself to keep living. When the person he was using as a reason to live dies, he decides to destroy the world for basically no reason at all, because the act of trying to destroy the world gives him something to do and a reason to keep on living. 

Jack needs to find identity in something, otherwise he’s entirely empty on the inside and he’s exactly the tool the nobility raised him to be. Which is why he ends up doing all of these things for basically no reason, because that is his reason. He wants to feel things like a person. He wants to desire things like a person. He wants to know who he is, and what he wants. And yet, he’s also so terribly afraid of being a person that he does not let anybody get close to being able to understand him.

In the end one person accepting Jack as a person in spite of all of his lies, and saying they were happy to meet him is enough for Jack to give up all of his plans and instead offer his body up to others. 

10. Accelerator - A Certain Magical Index Accelerator is such a fave for me that I will literally go out of my way to read a series that I’m not even a fan of because Accelerator is in it. 

What I like about accelerator is he is pretty much past the point of no return, and he knows he’s never going to be forgiven for what he’s done and yet that doesn’t stop him. He’s not doing this for atonement. He killed 10,000 sisters and he’s going to save the other 10,000 that are remaining. And he knows he should have done that from the start, but it’s too late to take back a single thing he did. 

Accelerator is just this fantastically messy character. He plays the villain, but secretly nobody desires more for heroes and justice to exist in this world than Accelerator himself. We see him finally motivated to help others, because even if he’s a bastard, and will always be a bad person marked for what he’s done, that’s no excuse not to do something when somebody innocent needs help in front of you. 

He’s also, genuinely traumatized, and also genuinely disabled. He goes from this untouachable character to like, someone who is very desperate, with a very fragile sense of ego whose constantly reliving his trauma and having flashbacks in the middle of fights. Accelerator is so genuinely plagued with guilt for what he’s done it almost destroys him several times. And he’s never going to stop feeling that way. He’s never going to stop being broken. And still he fights. 

11. Jacopo Bearzatti - House in Fata Morgana I know this is cheating but sssh, I wanted to talk about Jacopo. He’s the best bastard on this list because he’s not even a bastard. 

Jacopo is someone who breaks himself into fragments because he’s not good enough. He’s always born in an incredibly low position in life, and is always trying to make something worthwhile of himself. He views himself as a person lower than dirt, whose only good quality is how hard he can work. One of them is going to break, either the world, or Jacopo himself. 

Jacopo’s heart is either made of stone or glass and it’s impossible to tell from an outsider’s perspective, because he’s able to commit himself to doing incredibly heartless things, but at the same time Jacopo is far too kind and emotional and it’s something that destroys him over and over again. Jacopo is someone who always takes far too much responsibility, which means he will forgive other people who have betrayed him, see the humanity in his friends when they turn knives against him, but because of that he ends up being hurt over and over again. Jacopo kills his own heart not because he’s unkind, but because he’s too kind and empathic, and it’s something that will literally get him killed unchecked. 

However, the amount of responsibility that Jacopo takes is ultimately what turns his character from a tragic downfall to a redeeming one, because reincarnation Jacopo is willing to take responsibility for two lifetimes worth of mistakes that were not even his. Ultimately Jacopo does genuinely want to do right by the people around him, which means if they do not want him he would force himself to let go because it’s not just about his atonement but the victim’s feelings as well, but if they wanted him he would spend the rest of his life working for the sake of both of them. Jacopo’s realization at the end of this story, because I want to see it too. Is one of the most touching things I’ve read in all of literature. 

Honorable Mentions: Reiner - Attack on Titan, Akechi Goro - Persona Five, Subaru Natsuki - Re: Zero, Emiya Shirou - Fate Stay Night, Kaworu Nagisa - Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ryoji Mochizuki - Persona 3, ii-chan -Zaregoto, Squall Leonhar - (FF8)

[williamsockner]

SPN S3E10 “Dream a Little Dream of Me” Watchnotes

Time for the episode that balances actual character growth with the brothers being complete boneheads who can’t count to ten without verbal directions.

Sam: It occurs to me that you might be suicidally depressed. Dean: wow rude

Bobby: /has a bunch of Pepe Silvia-esque cut-outs and strings with tacks in the back of a closet, glaringly visible to anyone who opens the closet door The boys: omg Bobby’s so cool and slick and genius he hid this serial killer collage like a champ

Dean thinks didgeridoos are from Africa.

Sam please wash your hair.

In which the boys demonstrate to Bela, a world-class thief who has screwed them over many times in the past, exactly where they’re hiding a unique highly-coveted monster-killing item that they desperately need (in a safe in the motel room), and then proceed to knock themselves out on fantasy ayahuasca. Good job, kids. A+.

I’m annoyed that the raining-upside-down bit is the only bit that feels truly like a dream sequence in this episode.

The boys don’t recognize Bobby’s house despite distinctive wallpaper that sears the camera so bad it gets lens flare.

Honestly, it’s horribly tragic that Bobby learned after killing his wife that there were simple ways that he could have saved her. I feel like there are a lot of real life parallels and they all hurt.

On the rewatch it’s interesting that while Bobby clearly loves Sam too, Dean and Bobby are a lot closer, and I figure it’s because Dean spent his childhood years around Bobby so much more enmeshed in the hunter lifestyle and always had a greater understanding of who Bobby was when he was growing up.

Evidence Dean Winchester is a fire sign: Dean Winchester: /stays up 52 straight hours hoovering caffeine Dean Winchester: /still driving a fucking car around in the goddamn middle of absolute nowhere, flips his shit at the suggestion he might need to pull over

See, they wouldn’t even need to call on Bela if they would just learn to use the fucking weggy boards themselves like they know from experience they could if they just bothered to try. It drives me crazy that they don’t use the weggy boards! This is up there with “use your cell phones” and “photocopy the journal” as my biggest peeves!

Why ARE they out here in the middle of nowhere, anyway?

Dean: /dreams of having a family with a beautiful wife in front of Sam Dean: LIES LIES SAMMY THESE ARE LIES I WANT MANLY STUFF LIKE INDEPENDENCE AND ANONYMOUS SEX

The switch from forest to the hallway forest wallpaper was a really lovely bit of camera work.

“I know how dead inside you feel…I know you look in the mirror and hate what you see” sometimes the dialogue on this show just pulls a shotgun and blows subtlety to high heavens.

Honestly, the villain in this episode is sympathetic - the idea of living exhausted and unable to sleep for fifteen years, getting a cure, and then having someone rip that cure away from you is actually pretty horrifying and would explain (though not justify) resorting to murder. Maybe I’m just relating to the monster of the week because I haven’t slept worth shit in weeks, but man. I feel this guy and I’m annoyed that no one was like “we got a bunch of the fantasy ayahuasca you want, let’s resolve this peacefully like adults and not like the mouthbreathing cro-magnon frat-jocks we are”.

Dream!Dean: so like may be we should try Zoloft or cognitive behavioral therapy or like yoga or something Real!Dean: have we considered just sticking to self-loathing

“Daddy’s blunt little instrument” actually breaks my heart, every once in a blue moon this show hits the mark on the emotional beat so well.

Swear to God, hamfisted or not, Dean’s “I don’t deserve what Dad put on me and I don’t deserve to go to Hell” tirade while he beats the shit out of and then murders a dream version of himself is the most satisfying character growth on the show so far. I’m legitimately proud of him for recognizing that his complete lack of self-esteem is actually a problem and that it’s not actually founded in anything real but just in John using him as an emotional punching bag his whole life.

Sam using the villain’s abusive father as the nightmare person to kill him is a particular level of asshole, like…damn, Sam. You got dark. I’m not sure I love you anymore. Glad that Bela sticking around and using the weggy boards amounted to fuck all.

OH I GUESS WE’RE COOL WITH KILLING NORMIES NOW, A’IGHT.

of course Bela stole the Colt you battery-licking morons, you basically sky-wrote her an invitation to do exactly that

Dean: so it turns out maybe i’m not suicidal 100% of the time Sam: so yeah, this would have been a really great realization to have before you made an irrevocable suicide pact Dean: yeah bad timing on my part :\

[kris10tisme]

Social Anxiety Origin Story

Social Anxiety is classified as a disorder. Isn’t that crazy!? You can actually read up on it on the MayoClinic or Webmd websites which shows that it really is a legitimate thing; it's not just you being a pussy. Most people who have social anxiety disorder don’t know what it is or why they’re like this. When we first become aware of our incomprehensible phobia we usually feel completely alien. People with this ailment tend to feel like the ultimate freaks, which knocks down their self esteem tenfold. If you have desperately searched online to potentially find answers: I feel you. The first time I felt a sense of belonging in this world was browsing through internet forums, reading about how people had the same irrational fears I did. You can find comfort in it sure, but it's definitely not the same as finding belonging in person. I didn’t know that I wasn’t completely alone in this struggle until I was maybe fifteen or sixteen years old navigating through my insufferable high school life!  During that time google searches quickly became my best friend.

I can’t even really pinpoint where my SAD began for me. As a child I was pretty shy but I’d eventually open up once I became semi-comfortable. I didn’t ruminate whether or not I made some sort of fool of myself publicly. I was just having a blast man. Childhood is all fun and games but you really do get the carpet ripped out from under you when you enter adolescence.

 I grew up a very privileged child financially - my parents both being middle class. My bills were all taken care of, and I didn't have to worry too much about the connections I would make with others in life. I was a kid. When a kid has no friends it's sad, but when an adult has no friends you wonder what they did wrong and you try to steer clear of them. There must be a reason why they are friendless: they must fetishize feet in their spare time! When you’re a child your only occupation is being a student. I’d wake up, go to school, learn stuff, socialize a bit among peers and then go home to watch TV and repeat, not questioning or overthinking the minutiae or idiosyncrasies in my life; just living day by day. Everything was smooth sailing. I figured I would hit my peak as a teenager and do all the cool teenagery things I saw on television like going to parties, making the cheerleading squad (though I’m not athletic at all; it would just happen), and have a tumultuous relationship with several boys. I’d pick the most special one to lose my virginity to on prom night! Then college would come, I’d go there and graduate and get a job. Sounds simple right!?

WRONG!

Hitting puberty was a big eye opener for me. It’s like once I menstruated my self-esteem plummeted. Everything about life just seemed a lot more competitive. There are all these milestones that society expects you to complete by certain ages: your first beer, your first kiss, your first fornication, your first job. All terrible and unfamiliar things! Now that I had bled and grown boobs, I was in the process of becoming a woman. I had to start making preparations to accomplish these milestones.

Seventh grade was the first year of my life I was depressed, and that terrible feeling hasn’t really depleted all that much since. In sixth grade I felt like a rock star… until the end of the year. I was a downright bully, mocking people in my class for the way they looked and acted. Some of my classmates found me funny, and I liked feeling that bold. I liked knowing that people were on the edge of their seats waiting for me to comment on a situation. It wasn’t until the end of the school year when one of the girls I heavily bullied called me out on my malicious means of garnering attention from my peers. She didn’t even insult me, she just spat out the truth. “You’re mean KRISTEN! You’re a BULLY!”

I can’t even explain how thrown off I felt by that mere observation. I never questioned why I did what I did; I liked the attention. I liked being someone people would be eager to hear from to know my latest outrageous comments on what surrounds us. Hearing this girl call me out for being a mean bully was a gut punch like no other. I couldn’t believe my ears. To me this girl wasn’t a person; she was a vessel. Someone to make fun of. Someone who was an easy target because she had a whole line of insults thrown her way since even before I saw her as easy prey.

No one ever downright called me out on my behavior. My dad did tell my mom that I was a horrible daughter, and he even asked who would want to have a daughter like me. But that was mostly because I was disrespectful towards him. Such a justified comment for a parent to make about his adolescent daughter right in front of her :)

That summer break I had tons of time to reflect upon my actions. I recognized how downright awful I had been to a lot of my classmates and vowed to make amends in the coming school year. I want to say, most of the bullying took place before I began menstruating, so you can blame my abhorrent behavior on my lack of emotional resonance and the fact that my womanly empathy and sympathy had not yet kicked in. That’s how I excuse how I acted.

So by seventh grade I was menstruating, and I grew D cup breasts overnight. I became a stand-up person - someone who didn’t throw vulnerable people under the bus for my own benefit. I became what you would call... “compassionate.”

Seventh grade was the year everything went downhill for me. Maybe it was the hormones kicking in and getting the better of me, or maybe it was me becoming more aware of what society deems as acceptable and proper. I felt like I should be cultivating a role in society, and I didn’t know what role to take.  I couldn’t be loud and obnoxious anymore because my victims were starting to bite back and I realized the biting back hurt me more than I could handle.

For the rest of Junior High I struggled with my transitioning into a new person. My classmates instantly recognized how much softer and kind-hearted I became. I didn’t throw around as many insults, and if I did it was just playful banter.  Me and the girl I had so savagely bullied were on decent terms, though we never really interacted with one another except for when obligatory social protocol called for it. I struggled with finding my niche again within my class. I got along with people just fine, but I suffered through a big identity crisis: I didn’t know what I could contribute without being outwardly obnoxious. I didn’t know what stereotypical personality trait defined me. Things got a bit more fucked at home for me, so that really took a toll on me mentally. I’ll get into how family influences your socialization tendencies in another post.

I’ve never wanted anything more in life other than to be liked. I know they say that not everyone’s gonna like you and that you should accept that, but I can’t! I just can’t accept it! The only way I will accept someone not liking me is if they’re completely indifferent to me, like when I have not done anything to them or in front of them to warrant them having an opinion on my character. So I keep my mouth shut. BUT THEN… I worry about what a weirdo they must think I am. If I’m too quiet then I give people the opportunity to make assumptions about me based on the impressions they have on me. They can be thinking anything, like that I watch tentacle porn, or that I collect toenail clippings or something.

I wonder if keeping my mouth shut all these years has done me more harm than good emotionally. Speaking up opens you up for attack, and I always feel like I have to be on the defensive. But when you say nothing to anyone, are you really living your life to the fullest and taking advantage of opportunities that could benefit you?

Meeting someone and getting to know them feels kind of like a step by step interrogation for me. The worst question I always get is, “What do you do?” Which I assume means “what do you do for a living?” Another one is,“Do you have a boyfriend?” It seems to me that the general public believes having a solid and steady job and being in some sort of romantic relationship completes the prerequisites for having a satisfactory life. Do these people even consider that you may be unemployed AND single? And that they’re unintentionally making you feel shitty about yourself? Just keep the convo focused on the weather for god sake. 

I started this blog to vent about my feelings. I have been journaling a lot recently to blow off some steam because it's uncomfortable to complain about this stuff in real life. Only people on the internet can understand certain problems. I don’t know if anyone’s going to read this, but I feel like social anxiety is an underrepresented disease in mainstream media. It’s embarrassing to tell people that you are anxious for your next family gathering because you don’t know if you should greet someone with a kiss on their cheek if they’re sitting down. Do I just bend down!? Should they stand up? Am I being too forward, or are they gonna be offended if I don’t make a move to embrace them? That's a whole ordeal for me. It's not what people call a “real problem” but this is the shit I think about while I lie in bed at night. So if shit similar to that wanders through your mind when you contemplate the world, maybe you can find some sort of catharsis through this blog. We may not have a very mainstream disease, but at least we’ve got each other to relate to. We’re people who find solace in reading about similar experiences we’ve experienced online. 

 Just thinking back on the fact that what jump started my anxiety issue was a small little comment made by someone whose life I made torturous. I don’t place the blame on this girl, as I just enabled her to pull the trigger on some deeper rooted issues I bore. Although it is quite the struggle I am glad that the nastier person I was eventually transformed into a more compassionate one. I never got to formally apologize to that girl. I hope I didn’t leave a big lasting impression on her. I was really shitty to her. I would reach out to her through social media and apologize, but I’ve got way too much social anxiety for that!

Well now that we’ve covered my origin story I would love to hear about all of yours. I will continue to write about various social situations or predicaments that freak me out, as well as stuff I’ve been through at home and in high school and how I’ve evolved and haven’t evolved. I don’t want this blog to be filled with negativity. Hopefully it's self-effacing in a not too depressing way. If it’s too depressing please let me know. I don’t want to spread the feeling of hopelessness with this blog. I want people to find comfort and humor, and maybe we can come up with some potential resolutions for certain scenarios and give each other tips. If there are any readers out there, thanks for reading. I hope this in some way made you smile and feel like less of an outcast. Keep trooping on! You’re not alone :)

[those70scomics]

MistyMountainHop’s That ‘70s Show Fanfic that Never Was: #12

Note: I likely came up with this idea after reading heatherlea75‘s T7S stories many years ago. The initial premise reminds me of her fic For Her Sake. 

Jackie Is Missing

Jackie Fakes Her Death Jackie and Hyde are married. They have a young infant child (maybe eight-months old). Jackie's father has gotten into some bad business, which causes her life to be threatened. Jack helps her fake her own death, even using a corpse in her stead. Hyde is left to raise their son on his own. He's completely devastated by her death. He doesn't know how he's going to raise their son alone. Kitty, Donna, Eric, and W.B., Angie, and even Red say he won't be doing it alone -- he'll be doing it with them. So the first part of the story follows him raising the kid with his family and friends' help. After Jackie's “death,” Hyde begins to shut down. He's an emotional robot. Eric tells him he can't do that. Eric says, “Don't raise your son the way Red raised me.” Hyde says Eric turned out fine. Twitchy, but fine. Eric asks if Hyde wants his son to turn out twitchy, too. Hyde doesn't.

Eric also reminds Hyde how Hyde felt growing up with his alcoholic parents. Does he really want to do that to the child he shares with Jackie? Hyde says no. And this wakes him up. But it also means he's in constant pain from the loss of Jackie. Hyde's quicker to anger than he used to be, but as the years go on, he regains a good portion of his emotional distance back, his Zen. Not all of it, though. As the kid becomes a toddler, everyone says that the kid looks so much like Hyde, but all Hyde can see is Jackie. The kid has blond hair, but this darkens as he gets older to Jackie's brunette. The kid does have Hyde's curly hair, though. When Jackie “dies,” Donna is pregnant with her first child. She wanted to share that news with Jackie but never got the chance. Jackie, however, is not dead. Jack goes to her hiding place and relates how her funeral went. Jackie doesn't want to hear it. But Jack stole Hyde's eulogy about her. Jackie's surprised he wrote anything down. Jack says Hyde didn't stick strictly to the eulogy, but the same sentiment is there. Jackie can't bring herself to read it. She stuffs it deep into a drawer. Jackie is very nauseous. She and Hyde had made love before Jack told her she had to “die”. She breastfed her son (using a breast pump) and falsely believed she couldn't get pregnant while breast-feeding. So she and Hyde didn't use protection. Turns out she's pregnant. Jackie freaks out. She says she has to go back to Steven and their son. She can't deprive them or this child of their family. Jack says she has to if she wants her children to survive. Jackie eventually gives birth to a daughter. Next part of the story, Hyde's son is seventeen. He's been affected more by Hyde's grief at Jackie’s absence more than Jackie’s absence itself. In the son's POV, we get that Hyde has this broken piece inside that's never healed. But the son also feels very loved by Hyde. The love/affection Hyde felt for Jackie, he gives to their son. Hyde's overprotective because of what happened to Jackie. This has created a rebellious streak in his son. He’s very much like Hyde. How is he like Jackie, though? When Hyde tells his son the dangers of smoking pot, the son argues that Hyde was a major burnout as a teenager. Hyde says that pot was different then. It's been bred to be way more potent. As usual, people fuck up a good thing. The son knows he looks a lot like his dad. But he looks at pictures of his mom to see how he looks like her. He also asks Hyde what Jackie was like. Hyde tells him. The son also sees happy pictures of Hyde and Jackie together. This has a strong effect on him. Hyde did date during his son's childhood; he had plenty of sex. But no relationships stuck until, maybe, when son was sixteen. Hyde might have a woman living with him; first serious relationship. Maybe it's someone we know from the show. Hyde felt okay to do it once son reached fifteen and was more independent. Hyde raised his son next door to Eric and Donna. Son became best friends with Eric and Donna's daughter. She has low self-esteem when it comes to her looks -- like her dad. Donna's always taught her to value things beyond her appearance. The girl is very, very smart. She has Donna's blue eyes and Eric's brown hair. She has Donna's temper and playfulness, and Eric's depreciating sense of humor and compassion. And Hyde's son is in love with her. But Eric and Donna's daughter thinks she has “a goofy face” because “nothing's symmetrical”. One of her eyes is slanted slightly to the right. The bridge of her nose is curved. One breast is bigger than the other, etc. But Hyde's son likes that. To him, that makes her even more attractive. He likes what breaks from the carbon-copy, plastic, sterile societal idea of perfection (so much like Hyde). Donna and Eric's kid is eight months younger than Hyde's son. She's in the grade below him. That summer, though, Hyde's son goes to rock n' roll camp and meets his sister. He feels instantly connected to her, and that scares him. She looks like Jackie except she has Hyde's blond hair and steel-blue eyes. He's spooked. When he goes home, he tells Eric and Donna's daughter he met someone who looks so much like his mom. She was a loudmouth, too, like Hyde told him Jackie could be.

Eric and Donna's daughter gets jealous, says, “Did you kiss her loudmouth?” Hyde's son says Eric's daughter is sick. He couldn't hook up with someone who looks like his mom. Hyde's son is unsure if he should share this info with his dad. His dad finally seems, if not happy, less pissed off with his girlfriend. Hyde's son doesn't want to open up this can of worms. Eventually, though, the son tells Hyde about it. Or Hyde's son maintains contact with this girl, through letters, and invites her to where he lives to bring her guitar, hang out, and jam, etc. Jackie's daughter was unnerved by the boy she met at that camp. Jackie told her Hyde was dead. She also said his name was “James,” not Hyde or Steven. Jackie never showed her pictures in case her daughter wanted to seek him out (worried she didn't trust Jackie's story about him being dead). Jackie's daughter also thinks that her last name is what Jackie's current fake last name is. And she doesn't know Jackie's real first name. So when Hyde's son asks her her mother's name, she tells him a name other than Jackie, and that crushes Hyde's son's theory. Hyde's son, though, theorizes that maybe his mom's alive. His friends, including Kelso's twin sons, think his conspiracy imagination is acting up again. Hyde's son was raised around Kelso's family, too. Betsy was always the untouchable, unattainable  hot chick. Fez and Laurie's son is their friend, too. Eric and Donna had a son seven years after their daughter. Hyde's son is protective of him. When Jackie's daughter tells Jackie about Hyde's son, Jackie breaks down. She knows exactly who her daughter’s talking about, the name, the physical appearance, and the behavior give him away. She hasn't seen her son in over sixteen years. Jackie's grief is re-opened, and she weeps, and her daughter freaks out a little. Eric may not like that his daughter is dating Hyde's son. Eric thinks Hyde's son is too much like Hyde was pre-Jackie. Hyde gets pissed at this. And later, Hyde's son proves how great he is. He protects Eric and Donna's daughter and/or their son from being hurt by a dangerous situation or person. Jackie only comes out of hiding when the people after her dad are dead -- or she believes they're dead. They might have pulled the same trick on her as she had on them. Jackie became a florist when she went into hiding. A humble florist, someone says, and she says, “Hardly.” She entered contests (rose, etc.) and got high/top honors. Jackie, Hyde, and their children eventually reunite. Hyde, like Jackie, didn't know Jackie was pregnant when she faked her own death. When he learns of his daughter, tears rise to his eyes. He can't help it. He has a girl, Jackie's girl. But the tears aren't just joy. He missed out on (however many) years of her life, her firsts. She didn't have her daddy around to protect her. She grew up without a dad like he did; even when Bud was living with him and his mom, Bud wasn't really present. Hyde also gets worried about the kind of men Jackie brought around their daughter. Hyde grew up with a succession of “uncles,” some better than others, but most were pretty horrible. Jackie reassures him, though, that she didn't date anyone -- which may not have been the best thing. Their daughter doesn't have a great view of men -- or boys.

Which is something her brother will help her with, enough for her to start connecting with Hyde. But Hyde's influence sweeps through her strong, deep, and quick. It's remarkable, and Jackie is grateful for both Hyde and their son's effect on their daughter. Jackie's daughter is also angry at Jackie for keeping her away from her father and brother all these years, even though she also fiercely loves her mom. Jackie is a great mom. So the daughter represses her anger at her mom. She feels guilty for this anger because she understands, intellectually at least, that her mom hid them to protect them.

So who draws out her anger? Her brother. Her brother says feelings are complex, often crashing into each other and making a mess. He got that understanding from his dad, but he doesn't share this fact with his sister (not yet) because she's not into trusting Hyde yet. But once she starts engaging with Hyde, she realizes her brother is so much like their father and that he got a lot of his wisdom from Hyde (not all, though). Jackie and Hyde's daughter's first impression of Hyde: He was a quiet man, on the outside at least. Or maybe he was just guarded, assessing situations before acting. Eventually, she sees how gentle Hyde can be and how fiercely protective of the vulnerable he was -- like her brother.

[mrsh0rr0rxoxo-blog]

Depression

Depression –

 Let’s talk about the different types of Depression that are out there. Once I’m finished, if you are someone who suffers from Depression talk to me. Tell me what you Suffer from. And if you’re so inclined to do so, tell me about what made you this way. Because we didn’t get this way from birth, TRUMA happened to make us this way.

Clinical Depression –

Being sad most of the time, so much that it effects your daily life, you may or may not have this.

Treatment – Talking to your doctor, talking to a Therapist and medication. You may also want to consider making changes in your lifestyle. I know it’s hard, but even the smallest change, might make your Clinical Depression, less noticeable to you.

Major Depression –

Major Depression or as often called by doctors “Major Depressive Disorder” (It’s technically the same thing). To know if this is something that you suffer from, you’re going to feel or should be feeling depressed most of the days during the week, and nothing that you can do will bring you out during those days.

Symptoms –

-         Loss of interest or pleasure you once felt in activities.

-         Weight gain is most common for us Stress eaters & depressed eaters, but don’t be alarmed if you lose weight. It is more common than you think.

-         Not able to sleep at night or able to fall asleep, resulting in you feeling sleepy all day.

-         Feeling Worthless. (Which means in your mind, nothing you can do makes anyone happy) It’s not true, but in your mind it really is.

-         Restless, Sluggish and Agitated (ALL. THE. TIME.)

-         Slowed down physically and or mentally. (But typically if you’re slow physically, your mental state will be slow also.)

-         Always tired with lack of energy.

-         THOUGHTS of Suicide (BUT no action).

-         Can’t concentrate or make decisions.

If you go to your doctor with FIVE or more of these symptoms, and they last more then 2 to 3 weeks, you have a chance of being diagnosed with Major Depression.

Treatment –

Antidepressants, Talk Therapy (Which never worked for me.) Mental Health Specialists that you will be asked to see, they will help you find a way to manage it. (I highly recommend it.)

If medication barely helps – then you can also try ECT & rTMS (Electroconvulsive Therapy & Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation)

Consult your Doctor before considering the above treatments in Bold.

 Persistent Depressive Disorder –

Depression lasting more then TWO years. The Term “Persistent Depressive Disorder” is used to describe two conditions, previously known as Dysthymia (low-grade persistent) & Chronic Major Depression.

Symptoms –

-         Change in appetite (Over eating or not at all.)

-         Sleeping too much or too little.

-         Fatigue or lack of energy.

-         Low Self-Esteem.

-         Trouble Concentrating/Making Decisions

-         Always feeling Hopeless.

Treatment –

Psychotherapy, Medication or Both.

Bipolar Disorder –

Someone who is Bipolar – or often called “Manic Depression” Has a mood episode. It can range from Extremes of high energy with an “Up” mood to low “depressive” periods.

When in low Phase, you will have symptoms of Major Depression.

Meds will help bring your moods under control. Whether you’re in a high or low Period. You might also need a mood stabilizer. (Talking with your doctor is the best way to figure that out.)

Bipolar is something Serious and needs to be treated right away.

Traditional  antidepressants are not always going to be recommended as first-line treatments for bipolar depression, since there is no proof from studies that these drugs are more helpful than a placebo(sugar pill) in treating depression in people with bipolar disorder.

Not to mention that for some people with bipolar disorder (like me), some of the traditional antidepressants may increase the risk of causing a “High” phase of illness, or speeding up how often you have these episodes over time.

Psychotherapy can also help you and your family with support.

I can honestly tell you, that my Bipolar Disorder, puts a lot of stress on my husband and child. It’s really bad. When I’m having a “High” day, it’s a bad day for everyone. I don’t even want to work on those days. I can’t focus. But employers don’t understand someone with mental disabilities, so unfortunately in this world, you can’t not go to work because of it.

 Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD or Seasonal Depression as most often heard) –

It is a period of Major Depression that most often happens during the winter months, when the days grow shorter and you get less and less sunlight. It typically will go away in the spring and summer.

If you do have SAD, antidepressants will help. You can also do light therapy. You will need to sit in front of a special bright light box for about 15-30 minutes each day.

Get it treated. Don’t let it go because you know with spring your mental state will clear, if you get too far down the rabbit hole, there’s no coming back out of it with the change of the season.

 Psychotic Depression –

People who have psychotic depression have the symptoms of Major depression along with “Psychotic” symptoms, such as:

-         Hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that are not there)

-         Delusions (false beliefs)

-         Paranoia (wrongly believing that others are trying to harm you.)

Treatment –

A combination of antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs can treat psychotic depression. ECT may also be an option for you.

 Peripartum (PostPartum) Depression –

Women who have major depression in the weeks and months after childbirth may have peripartum depression. Antidepressant drugs can help similarly to treating major depression that is unrelated to childbirth.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) –

Women with PMDD have depression and other symptoms at the start of their period.

Besides feeling depressed, you may also have:

-         Mood Swings

-         Irritability

-         Anxiety

-         Trouble concentrating

-         Fatigue

-         Change in appetite or sleep habits

-         Feelings of being overwhelmed

Treatment –

Antidepressant medication or sometimes oral contraceptives can treat PMDD.

 ‘Situational’ Depression –

Situational – is not a technical term in psychiatry. But you can have a depressed mood based on what is going on in your life, a stressful event that you’re having trouble managing. A death in the family, a divorce, losing your job. Your doctor might call this “stress response syndrome.”

Treatment –

Psychotherapy can often help you get through a period of depression that’s related to a stressful situation.

Atypical Depression –

This is different then the persistent sadness of typical depression. It’s considered to be a “Specifier” that describes a pattern of depressive symptoms. If you have “atypical depression,” a positive event can temporarily improve your mood.

Other symptoms of atypical depression include:

-         Increased appetite

-         Sleeping more than usual

-         Feeling of heaviness in your arms and legs

-         Oversensitive to criticism

Treatments –

Antidepressants can help. Your doctor might suggest a type called SSRI – Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, as the first line of treatment.

They might also sometimes recommend an older type of antidepressant called MAOI – Monoamine oxidase inhibitor – which is a call of antidepressants that studies state work well with atypical depression.

 Some of you are reading this & thinking, “I’ve been depressed my entire life” that very well maybe true. No doubts about it. It is highly unlikely for you to have every single type of depression, but it is not unlikely for you to have had, experienced each one in your life.

I myself am Bipolar. I suffer from Major Depression & I very often do get Seasonal Depression.

I suffered from Postpartum after I had a miscarriage. I didn’t know that, that was possible, all I knew was my depression was worse. So I seen my doctor he treated me and it finally went away, it went back to my normal Highs & Lows.

My depression started when I was in High School and it has not gone away.

Somedays my depression doesn’t get the best of me, and somedays it does. I can feel myself slipping into depression now, when the bad days are coming. Lately they are more often then not, because I lost a friend that I loved very dearly.

That is her own fault, and I am partly to blame, but I’m not the one that wants everyone to feel bad for me. I think it’s because she suffered a great, great horrible loss in her life and hasn’t found the right way to overcome that, resulting in pushing everyone else away from her. Then making someone else the victim.

I’ve done it before. It’s how I can figure it out.

So, I did what I had to do for me. I stopped talking to her, and ever since there’s been stuff said about me that isn’t true, and it’s making my depression even worse. So, I’m cautious.

I watch what I say and do, I watch what I eat, because I need to eat healthy to keep me in a positive mood. I focus on the things that keep me happy. My husband, child and close, close friends. I read trashy romance novellas because they make me happy, I binge watch Grey’s Anatomy (because who doesn’t love a good cry) and I try to get the best sleep possible.

I’ve recently had an increase in medication, and I do think that is helping. I can’t say that I will ever be okay, and I can’t explain how I’m feeling to people that don’t understand because they will never understand.

  Credits -

Thank you to WebMD, for helping me fact check and make sure that I provided the correct information, treatment and diagnosis.