#i really wanted to figure out how to get a lyric quote to look alright with this composition and i COULDNT do it

[kingpains]

got to see the @narcissistcookbook in dallas, thoroughly enjoyed it

[invierno-inferno]

rating Lovejoy songs based on how aspec they are

(disclamer: a lot (most) of these are a stretch. but nothing is more powerful than an aroace who wants representation.)

Are You Alright?

Taunt: off to a bad start- the only remotely-aspec-if-you-squint line is 'did anybody ever say no to you?' which implies that the singer is rejecting the subject of the song. why? aromanticism or asexuality, maybe. along with the general theme of running away in this song, although that's also a reach. 1.5/10.

One Day: again, not much. the song is about the singer's romantic partner not being good for him, which is a pretty common topic for a song. the idea of wanting to be in a relationship despite it not being good can apply to aspec people, but overall this song doesn't give much. 1/10

Sex Sells: now we're getting somewhere! I see this song as a story that 'call me what you like' and 'it's all futile! it's all pointless!' are also about: an asexual alloromantic and allosexual aromantic trying to make a relationship work. in this song, it's obvious that the singer and the subject want different things from the relationship- the more relevant of this song is that the subject prioritizes sex, which the narrator does not want. pretty aspec! 7/10

Cause for Concern: honestly, this song's got nothing. a banger, but not aspec. 0/10

Pebble Brain

Oh Yeah, You Gonna Cry?: definitely less to go on, but I hear this song as the singer helping his friend to break up with her boyfriend by implying they have the beginning of a relationship. maybe a sort of prequel to the 'sex sells' story. 4/10

Model Buses: the lines 'you're just scared/you're just scared of the future' is often something paraphrased by aphobes, invalidating their orientation by saying things like 'you're afraid of growing up' and 'you're afraid of commitment'. pretty aspec, but it is only a couple of lines that probably weren't intended to be read this way. 3/10

Concrete: not much of anything. 0/10

Perfume: that's what I'm fucking talking about. 'seems like all her friends/abruptly fell in love/and she was in the dust/darling, life was streaming past/so she learned to lie/she learned how to pretend/a drama in the futile/a means to an end'. it's aro! it's aro. to quote the writer of the song, 'you aromantics need to read my lyrics! listen to it's all futile! it's all pointless! and figure out what it's about. and perfume.' super aro, however it's only half a verse. 8/10!

You'll Understand When You're Older: same deal as 'model buses'. a lot of aspec people, particularly teens, are invalidated by being told that they are late bloomers. 3/10

The Fall: love this song, there's nothing aspec though. 0/10

It's All Futile! It's All Pointless!: aro. it's SO aro. see the quote above about perfume and iafiap. also, an entire verse explicitly about not being in love! subject is almost definitely alloaro. and general themes of doing what society tells you, despite you being unhappy with it. 11/10, aro anthem.

Wake Up & It's Over

Portrait of a Blank Slate: not super aspec. however, 'how do you all make it look so easy?/open your hearts up so quickly, it scares me' sounds arospec to me! 4/10

Call Me What You Like: this is the last song of the story that starts with 'sex sells'. some especially aspec lines include 'you could kiss the skin from my lips if it makes you feel good/not sure if you want it, not sure if you need me, too'. the first line implies that the narrator is indifferent towards sex and/or romance, and engages in it only if his partner wants to. in the second line, he wonders if his partner values him in the relationship. 'I'm not made for you/but what else is new?/oh lord, she tells me that it's nothing/I really hope it's nothing' to me references the narrator and the subject experimenting to figure themselves out- 'what else' could be new is romantic feelings. the narrator hopes there aren't any. 6/10

Consequences: One of my favorites, but there's not much here. Maybe 'I wish I tried more/wish I tried more/wish I tried' in reference to a romantic relationship, which some aro people can relate to by thinking that if they had 'tried harder' to be in love, the relationship would have worked. Kind of a stretch, though. 1.5/10

Warsaw: at first glance, there's not much but if we look closer... the subject is unhappy in her current relationship, (a common theme in Lovejoy's songs) and is sleeping with strangers, which is the same situation as 'call me what you like' and by extent iafiap, in which the subject is likely alloaro. 'the place that she got her first kiss is now a vaccination clinic' also supports that the subject of this song is the same as the one in iafiap, cmwyl, and sex sells- same meaning as 'what was your thought when you realized you'd never feel naïve love again?'. (I know I said cmwyl was the last in the story- I feel like this isn't solid enough to definitely be a part of it). my argument's a bit weak. 5/10

Scum: 'no matter how much you think you love him/you'll still flinch when his blood pool touches you.' can't figure out how to explain this one, but you get it. 'maybe he'll be jesus/maybe he'll be jesus this time.' 'jesus' in these lines might mean The One- maybe this person will be the one, maybe this relationship will be the one. I'd group this song in with model buses and you'll understand when you're older, just a couple one-off lines. 3/10

It's Golden Hour Somewhere: 'they'll tell you this is normal/they'll tell you this is love/I'm not sure if the stuff I want is even worth the price it comes'. again, can't describe it, just seems aspec. 2/10

[lululawrence]

How about 24, 14 and 30?

hiiii sorry i didn't answer earlier, i fell asleep before i got it haha but i can answer now before i finally make my fic list for the month... like three days late oops so ANYWAY thank you for sending these in!!

how was your day today?

i'm answering for today instead of yesterday hahaha today was pretty good! more chill than i originally expected because of a last minute change in plans, so it was nice. the toddler was his usual terror self and i didn't get my sunday afternoon nap that is basically a requirement, but that's alright cause overall it wasn't a bad day haha

any cleaning or organizing life hacks?

oof listen this one has had me thinking. all my cleaning and organizing life hacks are more like adhd and autism life hacks lmaoooo so i'm not so sure they would be helpful for like anyone other than ME. ummm i guess my big one is make your planner a happy place for you to be because you'll have more incentive to use it that way lol mine is covered in stickers that are mostly fan art or lyrics or things that make me happy like flowers or quotes that remind me i'm not a failure hahahahah and it's lots of bright colors so when i open it up to the upcoming week and see all five million appointments and things i have to do even though i'm on year four of total burnout at this point, i don't have a panic attack. the bright colors and flowers and our boys rewire my brain to focus on that instead so my emotions are kept a lot more even and i can then still be productive in looking at the schedule which is super helpful for me haha for cleaning, the two biggest things that have helped me is one: it doesn't have to be done perfectly every time, so just do the best you can and at least it's that much better than it was before. and two: break up the big bads in your life so you don't have to do it all at once. for example, i HATE the bathroom. not because i find it super disgusting or whatever, but because it usually takes more effort for me to scrub the tub or the sink and honestly when i was younger i didn't ever know if i was cleaning them correctly or not. i was essentially guessing and was always too embarrassed to ask for help because the few times i did try to do that, i didn't actually get answers that helped me at all. the answers were kind of lackadaisical and general and would probably make sense to a neurotypical, but to my undiagnosed AuDHD brain, i was LOST man. and like, i'm 38 now, i've finally figured that shit out at least for myself, but even though it's a lot easier now and i know what to do, it still has a lot of negative feelings associated so my executive dysfunction basically says, "yeah nope" when it's time to do it and fucks off hahaha SO what i do is i have different tasks in the bathroom on different days. for example, tuesday is toilet day. dunno why, it just works well having toilets on tuesdays. wednesday is sinks, thursday is mirrors, and friday is the tub. saturday is for if i missed any of those days, then i catch up. or it's april and i just don't clean the bathroom. months like that happen, and we still survive. lol which is actually tip three. you'll still survive even if your plans don't work, so pick yourself up and try again. maybe it'll stick this time!

how do you feel about this weekend?

as in the weekend we just had or the weekend coming up? lollllll the weekend we just had? overall it was an alright one. it was longer than i feel like they usually feel for a lot of reasons, and it was weird because there was a lot of stuff that just wasn't really quite at the usual for us, but yeah not bad! haha kinda glad it's over while also not all that excited about the upcoming week, if that makes sense haha but that's also kinda my life right now so oh well lol

that got long i'm so sorry hahaha hope you at least kind of enjoyed the answers? lol thank you for asking!!!

if you want the link to the post these came from, it's here!

[godofplumsandthunder]

Twisted Fate

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Cancer, both Bucky and reader have cancer, Major Character death, brief hospital terms mainly reffering to cancer treatment. References to amputation.

A/N: This was written for the lovely @eurynome827​ 2k celebration. I got a lovely quote of lyrics from Hadestown, which I wanted to do something that was based off of the musical, but I couldn’t figure anything out. Then I had a big anniversary come up and this was came out instead. It’s very angsty, I cried a lot, and well I hope you like it.

The low, steady hum of the fan fills the awkward silence. The psychiatrist, newly assigned to the case, still doesn’t feel comfortable. “Case number 32557038” was widely known in the health care center. The whispers and rumors floated their way down the hall, past the copy machine, filling the office with this chilling tale. Some regarded it as a terrible series of bad luck, others thought it was an act of some benevolent God, pouring his rage on this poor couple. Dr. Breynord, after reading the notes on the file, Breynord knew that this case was perhaps the worst case of bad luck she ever saw in her career, and, maybe it was her stubbornness or naive belief in medicine, but Dr. Breynord was going to help this poor man get the peace he so desperately needs.

“James,” Dr. Breynord’s voice breaks the silence of the office, “I’ve read what my colleagues had to say about your case, but, I’d like you to tell me what has happened if you feel comfortable.”

Shifting in his seat, James sighs, with a small nod of the head, he starts at the beginning.

Bucky Barnes was used to change. Granted, it was other people’s change, but it was still change nonetheless. The poor folks that sat next to him each clinic visit changed, his caretakers changed, it seemed as if the whole world changed around him, while he was stuck in some perpetual hell. Every day dragged out in the same dull, and nauseating feeling, and at times, Bucky felt he was in an endless loop, forsaken by some deity he didn’t believe in. But, for however long Bucky has left in this fallen and cruel world, he’ll remember when you walked in, shattering the miserable purgatory he was banished to, he’ll always remember the day you changed his life.

It happened during his first transfusion session after his surgery. His arm, still wrapped in bandage, IV tubing leading straight to his heart, pumped his body full of liquids, as he waited for the toxic poison to enter his body. He always found it ironic, the “medicine” that was supposed to save his life, that was too dangerous for the nurses to touch with their bare hands, was willingly flushed into his body. Hair loss, mouth sores, and muscle aches were the better side effects. He can’t help but think about what is coming, especially as he sees his nurse, Thor, come over with the freshly made batch of poison [STRIKE THROUGH], chemotherapy as his doctor would want him to call it. Hanging the bag on his IV pole, Thor looks over at Bucky, giving him the “I’m going to go on a rant about something you should care about” look. 

“Now James, we’re getting a new patient today. It’s their first transfusion. They’re going to be sitting in the pod next to you. I swear to the gods, I best not hear another complaint about your attitude.”

“Me? An attitude? No, I think you got me confused with someone else. I’m the brightest little ball of sunshine here!” Bucky can’t help but chuckle. It’s not his fault he wasn’t a “warrior”, blasting “Fight Song” 24/7, as he sips on a kale smoothie with coffee suppositories shoved up his ass. T

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Barnes,” Thor shakes his head as he cleans up his station, “don’t think I won’t throw your bald ass out of here. That cancer sob story, won’t work on me.” 

Bucky goes back to his phone, already feeling the effects of the chemo. No matter how many anti-nausea meds they fed him, Cisplatin always makes him sick. So, he had the right to act like a grumpy old grandpa. While he scrolls through his social media feed, seeing all the accomplishments, brags, and just shit of his friends, Bucky hears your sniffles, as you make your way down to the end of the Oncology clinic, taking a seat next to Bucky. Even if Thor hadn’t given him the heads up, he would have known you were fresh meat. One infusion, his mom asked him how he could tell. It was easy for Bucky, it all had to do with the eyes. A cancer diagnosis shatters you. It kills all hope, light, and goodness that’s in you. You turn completely numb to the world, to the point where your own wailing and sobs feel muted. Bucky saw all of that in your eyes. Behind the puffy, redness, saw the shards of hope, the fear of the unknown. Before you could reach your seat, you stumble, spilling your possessions that you carried all over the floor. Bucky watches quietly as you quickly pick up your items, collapsing into the chair next to him. 

“Sorry I couldn’t give you a hand, only have the one,” he wiggles his stump, and he's met with silence. Talk about a rough crowd, he thinks, his nephews love his stumpy jokes. “So,” Bucky continues, “what are you in for? I’m a sarcoma, in the arm.” You sniffle as you turn your body to look at this new man.

“Leukemia,” you confess, voice barely above a whisper. It takes a real effort to say it out loud because then it makes all of this real.

“That’s good then,” the “sarcoma” man says to you, and Bucky can see the confusion, and pain on your face.

“How is that good? How is cancer good?”

Using his arm, Bucky points around the room, giving you a tour of the room.

“See him, that’s Riley, he has an inoperable brain tumor. That young kid, with the Switch? His name is Peter, his body is chemo resistant. So yeah, leukemia is good. If you haven’t learned it yet, not all cancers are made equal.”

“Oh,” you barely make out. What were you supposed to say to that? 

=====

Much to Bucky’s surprise, he actually enjoyed having your company. Your treatments lined up and so you both got to know each other well. Bucky enjoyed having someone close to his age that understood his problems. And it also didn’t hurt that you had such a great personality, you got Bucky’s dark humor (and it went without saying that you understood it was his way of coping), and you looked great. Not many people can rock a bald head. And Bucky has seen his fair share, and he can say with confidence, you rocked it. Not covering it up with caps, scarves, or wigs. Because why should you hide away? For the first time since his diagnosis, Bucky had a purpose. So, while his immune system allowed him to leave the house, he picked up a bouquet of fake flowers (neutropenia life, am I right?) and a box of chocolates to take with him to the next transfusion. When he got to the clinic, Bucky was a bit worried to see that you weren’t next to him. Instead, there sat Barb, 75 years old with breast cancer. 

“Oh sweetie, are those for me?” Barb looks at the flowers in Bucky’s hand. 

“No!” He snaps, as closes the curtain that surrounds his chair. He hears some huffs and complaints from Barb, but frankly, he doesn’t give a damn. Bucky only has one thing on his mind: you. 

“Are you alright? You’re not here at Club Med” Bucky texts as quickly as his one hand would let him. Dropping his phone, Bucky stares at it all while the nurses prep him. And because of damn, HIPAA, none of the nurses can tell him where you’re at. Minutes turn into hours, and by the time Bucky’s infusion ends, you still haven’t responded to him or shown up at the clinic. 

“Hope you’re okay. Call or text me. I'm worried” Bucky sighs, realizing how much you made his chemo treatments more bearable. How your laugh could make him forget of the poison he had to take, or how the light in your eyes could make him forget, even just for a bit, how much his arm stump was hurting. You were a drug, more potent than any he’s had before, and Bucky was becoming addicted. He’s picking at the hamburger he got for dinner, not having much of an appetite when his phone goes off. Seeing it’s from you, he rushes to answer. 

“Y/N! I… Where were you? I missed you today. I had to sit by Barb and…” The sounds of your cries cut Bucky off. 

“Are you okay?”

“No, Buck. I… Got some bad news today.” 

“Where are you?” He asks. He knows you’re alone, and speaking from experience, you never want to be alone when you get bad news. He knows from experience.

“Buck…” you sigh, “It’s fine. Really.” 

“Please, Y/N, I know what it’s like to be alone after getting this kind of news. Please, let me be there for you.” Breaking further down into tears, you cry at Bucky’s actions, actions of love. 

“I’ll send you my address,” Bucky gathers the flowers and chocolates as he rushes to your apartment, breaking a few traffic laws to get there faster. When he gets there, the image of you, opening the door, eyes swollen from crying breaks his heart. 

“Oh, Y/N,” Bucky sweeps you into his arm, as he closes the door behind, “tell me what’s going on hun.” 

You both sit on the couch, the bag with the flowers and chocolate lay at your feet, as you stay in Bucky’s embrace. 

“I’m… I’m dying Buck!” You manage to say in-between odds. “Dr. Fair... gave me three months to live. There’s nothing else they can do.” You break down in his arms, that last straw finally breaking, as you tell your newfound best friend, the person you were supposed to beat cancer with. Bucky tries his best to remain strong, to be the rock, the foundation you need, but you’re not the only one that is losing a friend. You sit in each other's embrace, as you mourn. You cry for all the missed opportunities, laughs, and memories that won’t be made. 

“What am I going to do,” you whisper, your voice hoarse from crying. 

Kissing your head, Bucky pulls you in closer, “we, are going to make these three months, the best three months you’ve ever had.”

Bucky lives up to his promise, spending every hour he isn’t in the hospital with you. The time you spent together changed your relationship. Neither had to officially say the words to make your relationship official. It was just you, and Bucky. Holding each other close, as the tempest waged on, trying to beat you into submission. You go on walks in the park, picnics, and one night when you both had the energy, went skinny dipping. Your logic being, what are the cops going to do? Arrest two cancer patients, with one of them being terminal? You threw caution to the wind and simply lived. Lived, breathed, and loved. Things seemed to be perfect until reality hit.

Your body wasn’t keeping up. Your cancer was spreading faster than they predicted. The doctors couldn’t give you an explanation as to why the cancer was spreading so fast. It shouldn’t have been. Soon, home hospice came, to try to make you more comfortable. And like the good partner he was, Bucky spent every minute by your side. That’s why, when you felt the inevitable coming, you felt your body give in to the tiredness of fighting, you grab Bucky’s hand. 

“I love you, James Bucky Barnes,” you weakly say, giving him one last affirmation, as you went to sleep, for one last time. 

As Bucky wakes up from his nap, feeling your cold body, he tries to ruse you back awake. Once he realizes what has happened, the last bit of humanity inside of Bucky snapped. He lets out a blood-curdling scream, as tears stream down his face. He strikes your face, pleas escape his mouth. Pleas to you, to a God he has long stopped believing in. His body shakes, his tears wetting your hair, as he holds you for one last time. 

=====

“Oh James,” Dr. Breynord grabs herself a tissue before handing Bucky the box of tissues. “I truly am so sorry to hear that. I want you to know that I am here to help you get happy again, and to heal.”

Bucky sighs and turns away from the doctor as he wipes his eyes. “You’re just like the rest of them. You didn’t listen to me.” 

Breynord was surprised that this was Bucky’s complaint. The other doctors had warned her that Bucky could be sarcastic, standoff-ish, and even flat-out rude to them. Breynord thought she did a good job listening to his story, what did she miss.

“I… I don’t think I understand what you mean, James.”

Bucky lets out a heartless, empty laugh, “you want me to be happy again. I’m never going to be. Not only do I have to live with the guilt of surviving, when she died, in my arms, but I’ll also never find another soul like hers. We had a connection, you know. It felt like we met before. When I held her in my arm, and her arms would wrap around me, it felt like I had the whole world in my arms. I didn’t need anything else when I had Y/N.” 

“So tell me doc, what’s the point of carrying on?”

[whoistheasshole]

How do I get out of this unsatisfying life I’m living?

Anonymous asks: So the thing is that I feel incredibly stuck - I have all the basics of life which I'm grateful for but also that was my BIG dream as a kid, to get tf out of my parents' house - but now I have that and idk what to do for the rest of my life. Like, if I try those "visualize your future" things I'm just like, "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer" & it feels like I don't really WANT anything so I can't plan, you know? Just flailing here honestly. Pretty tired of it.

I wrote back: I got your question. To pinpoint my answer a little better, can you tell me about your current situation, like how long has it been since you moved out? Which are the things you have in order to your satisfaction? Some vague idea of your age range would also be helpful, but I can work without it too if you’d rather not share.

Anonymous answered: Ah, sorry. I was trying to fit in the character limit & also whenever I think about this my mind just goes flbbbbth. It's been about 5 years? That's about the only thing I'm truly HAPPY about, I'm not thrilled with my social/love life, career, etc & have pretty much been just coasting tbh. I'm almost 30. Thanks for entertaining this.

Alright, thanks for adding some background. I will come at this from different angles and you can pretty much pick and choose what sounds helpful and leave the rest, okay?

First, while there are people who have it all figured out, methodically planning their next career step or fully certain that there is no greater joy than raising a child, there are tons of other people who just, to quote, go „ flbbbbth“ when asked about their next steps or, god forbid, their life plan. I would say I fall in the latter camp, but I don’t mind because I think there is nothing wrong with that. I let myself be guided by the things I need to be happy (more on that later) and by current necessities – if my job becomes shit, I need to find a new job. If a friendship goes sour, I need to end it respectfully. But I couldn’t tell you specific career or personal goals, except...

... let’s talk about the „later“ now.

I’m an organizer, maybe even a worrier, and therefore I like lists. And for that reason I made a list a while ago that I still have and expect to keep for a long time. It is a list of everything that I need to be satisfied with my life. It consists of 29 entries and has three of them checked, though several others could be counted as half-checked. I wrote down everything that came to mind, paying no attention whether it was reasonable or feasible to want. That wasn’t the question.

It covers stuff like a clean flat (not checked), restful sleep (not checked), friends that I see regularly (checked) or a job with purpose (not checked). This list is my guide. Well, generally my needs are my guide, but it can be hard to be aware of your needs sometimes, so I got this list. And if I wonder what I need or want to focus on, I can turn to it and choose one of the entries and see what I can do about it. I can also look over the list every few years and see if things have developed in the right direction. Little progress is no reason to chastise myself, but helpful information to see whether I need to re-direct my focus.

Please note that I wrote „satisfied“, not „happy“. Being happy is a passing emotional state. It is completely normal and okay not to be happy all the time. But quiet satisfaction with where you are or where you are going, that is pretty achievable. It certainly is a process, but an enjoyable one.

This list is not a race and it is not really a to-do list because most of the things I wrote down aren’t easy to accomplish with a single action. They take months and years and, for some items, I can only try and hope it works out some day (see anybody who ever purposely looked for a partner).

So maybe this kind of list could be an exercise for you. Maybe it provides you with some insight, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s not the right point in your life. But if you sit down and the only thing you can come up with is „cry forever“ or „sleep forever“ then, you know, that’s a sign.

Which brings me to my next point: Journaling or automatic writing. This method is especially helpful for those „I feel some kind of way and I couldn’t even tell you how“ moments – so maybe exactly where you are right now. Captain Akward has introduced me to a website called „750 words“ and I’ve used the principle of „morning pages“, though not the website, since then whenever I felt like some emotions were starting to boil over.

I sit down, ideally in the morning, and just barf it all on the (digital) page. There are only two rules: 1) Don’t edit or judge yourself, write everything as it comes to mind (that’s the automatic writing part) and 2) Don’t stop before you’ve reached 750 words. You are not looking to write anything readable or clever or lyrical, you’re looking to get all the weirdness out so you can move on. Repeat this as many days as you feel queasy or weird or confused or angry or sad. Each day, as soon as you’ve reached the 750 words, you can walk away. Heck, you could even delete/burn the document if that feels right. It’s just about giving your thoughts the room they need so you can continue with your day, hopefully feeling somewhat relieved.

While we’re at writing, I also have a question for you: Where is the pressure coming from to „do something with your life“? Is it truly coming from inside you or are there outside factors? Are people in your life asking you when you’ll have kids? Do you live in a culture where it’s expected that everybody does something of note, works certain prestigious jobs? Do you compare yourself to the people around you and feel like you’re „late“?

Maybe mull this over on a leisurely walk or write about it, using the method above. No matter where it’s coming from, the feeling of pressure won’t go away just by knowing its origin, but the knowledge can help you keep it under control. And if you find it is truly your own wish, you will have tools to shape your life according to your needs.

So, next, sleep: Maybe do that?

You wrote "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer". I understand this was half a joke, but also … it was probably more than a joke.

How are your energy levels? How does life feel? Are you trying to jog through jello most of these days?

If we’ve been overachievers or had a tough home life or needed to take care of ourselves pretty early, we can become accustomed to everything being difficult. This feeling and behavior can become a way of life, even when circumstances change and we have a chance to act differently.

Do you feel rested? Do you have regular moments of quiet in your life that let you breathe? If not, this is where I would start. Forget about lists, though morning pages might be a helpful accompanying tool (if they don’t become a task to punish yourself with if you don’t find the energy).

Take some weeks or months, maybe even a year to make rest your priority. You will have to find a way that works for you. Yes there is a lot of clinically proven stuff out there, but you will not see me do yoga or meditate. Though feel free if that’s up your alley. If you love cycling or taking photos or drawing or just plain lying on your bed and staring at the wall, see where you can add more of that to your day. Whatever brings you closer to yourself and makes you feel like you can exhale and stand still for a moment, that’s the way to go. Do this as long as sleeping seems like a fine choice. And for good measure maybe a month longer. You are ready to stop when you cannot wait to do something else goddamnit I’m bored!!! (you might say)

If you are in this picture, please start here. Any kind of life plan, next steps, strategizing, solving of riddles would set you back and perpetuate your exhaustion. Rest is not time wasted, rest is how you get your life back.

If you are in this picture, you will likely find that if you really pull through, if you truly rest, as long and boring or even scary as it may be, the other questions will probably have an intuitive answer afterwards. Not like „this is my 20-year career plan“, but „I feel like doing x this week“. And that is enough. Because you won’t need to strain to hear your needs through the fog of exhaustion anymore.

Finally, some practical information and links for when you do have the energy and inclination to tackle your job and social life. I am not saying you need to change anything if that’s not what you want to focus on. These are just some tips, in case they become relevant.

For your social life, I recommend what others have recommended before me: Pick an activity that you do with other people and stick with it long enough to become a familiar face, see also here and here (yes, meeting gay people is similar to meeting other people). If you try out new stuff, go there at least 5 or 6 times before you decide it’s not for you – of course assuming nothing bad is coming up like racist or abusive people in the group. Shop around if the first group/activity doesn’t work for you until you find something that you’d like to do permanently. Maybe you’ll gain some friends, maybe you’ll find a romantic opportunity. In any case, if it’s something fun that you like to do anyway, you will have found an outlet with a social group attached. It is absolutely not as easy right now, with Covid and all, but if nothing outdoors-y comes to mind, you could also use this time to brainstorm what sounds like fun for when things are safer again.

Of course you can also look at opportunities online, like Discord servers, online interest groups etc but I do understand if that’s just not appealing right now. I am certainly over sitting in front of a screen.

To round this up, don’t sneeze at contacts that you already have. Are there acquaintances, friends of friends, colleagues, family members who you would like to get to know better? Then go do that! Suggest a time and place to meet up and see how they react. Say yes to the potential friends.

Speaking of which...

The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes might also be interesting. Sure, it’s a little pop culture positive thinking kinda stuff, but I did like the impulse it gave me to consider when I say no to opportunities out of anxiety or worry. It made me accept some social invitations from colleagues (… in the before times) that I would not have otherwise considered. I did not gain life-long friends, but I did learn another valuable info: That my FOMO wasn’t justified for these events ;)

It also lead me to the decision to do one new thing every month – visit a new place or try a new activity or cook a new food. If the concept sounds appealing, just think about what sounds interesting and achievable to you.

And finally, the advice blog recommendations that I’ll always have. For social life, love life, and general life planning turmoil: Captain Awkward. For everything job-related, including how to write a good cover letter or interview well and, of course, how to get out of the dreaded current job you have: Ask A Manager.

To sum it up:

1) Figure out if you even have the energy to tackle any of this right now.

2) Figure out your pillars for a satisfying life – nothing big and shiny, just … basic needs, wishes, social needs.

3) When you feel like it, pick what you want to tackle next and see where it leads you.

4) Stay flexible. This is your life and it’s okay to go where it takes you, even if it doesn’t look „cool“ or „impressive“ from the outside. All you need is to make it your own.

And if you want to, let me know how it goes some time. :)

[master-sass-blast]

Winter Stay-cation.

*insert pithy quip here*

Summary: A massive squall hits New York City. The snow, combined with a deep freeze, brings the city that never sleeps to a standstill once the police issue travel bans. Fortunately, you and Piotr know how to keep yourselves entertained during your impromptu stay-cation.

Pairing(s): Piotr Rasputin x Reader, Nathan Summers x Wade Wilson, and Ellie Phimister x Yukio.

Rating: G for fluff.

Word Count: 3.4k.

Set after “It’s Truly Magical.”

A/N: The movie quote from Day Five is from Alfred Hitchcock’s “Rear Window.”

Taglist:  @marvel-is-perfection, @chromecutie, @girl-obsessed-with-things, @super-darkcloudstudent, @dandyqueen, @leo-writer

“—continuing into the middle of next week, if not longer. Expect heavy snowfall and temperatures below freezing, with windchill taking things below zero over the weekend.”

“Good grief.” You shake your head as you watch the weather report on the morning news. “It doesn’t get that cold when I fly full speed.”

Piotr, your husband, hands you a cup of coffee and shrugs. “January is ugly month.”

You smirk into your mug. “Bet this doesn’t compare to Siberian winters.”

“Not really,” he admits with a chuckle.

“The Chief of New York City’s Fire Department has issued a statement reminding residents to be careful when using their fireplaces and to monitor children and pets.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you quip, “Don’t use fireworks as kindling, we got it.”

Piotr snorts.

“In addition, the Police Department has issued a travel advisory in light of the predicted precipitation and sub-zero temperatures. All none-essential travel is restricted until the cold snap passes.”

“Groovy. Tell that to half the city.”

Piotr grins, shakes his head again, then turns the TV off. “Looks like we will have to keep ourselves occupied here this week.”

You cast a disparaging glance outside –where the snow is already up to Piotr’s knees—then say, “Like we were going anywhere else.”

 ***

 Day One

 There’s an upside to when the “deep freeze” hits. It’s already winter break, meaning there’s no coordinating classes, figuring out how to pick up students that don’t live at the mansion, or having to get up at the balls-ugly hours of the early morning in the stupid, frigid cold.

The two of you wake up at your leisure, around nine o’clock. You laze around in bed for a bit, snuggling and chatting and smooching, then head downstairs for breakfast. You wind up setting up shop at the dining room table, catching up on grading and filling out end of the semester report cards.

“Can you check these for me?” Piotr asks, handing you a stack of essays from his art classes. “I already made content-based marks; I am just not sure about English grammar.”

“Fun fact: most native English speakers aren’t sure about their grammar, either,” you joke with a smirk.

Piotr snorts, then checks his computer clock before standing. “Is about lunchtime. I was thinking soup and sandwiches?”

You nod. “Sounds tasty.”

“Would you like anything in particular?”

“Surprise me.” You make a contented hum when Piotr leans over the table to kiss you, then smile as you watch him head to the kitchen.

You really are the world’s luckiest woman (a sentiment you feel even more keenly when he comes back with a fresh cup of hot cider for you).

 ***

 Day Two

 “We should clean.”

The two of you are sitting on the couch. Your laptops sit on the coffee table, displaying the completed efforts of uploading grades to the online gradebook that the school uses. Two mugs that once contained coffee sit next to either laptop.

You look up at Piotr. You’re tucked against his side, head leaning on his shoulder while his fingers trace designs on the sleeve of your sweater (which is technically his sweater, but that’s neither here nor there). “Huh?”

“We should clean,” he repeats as he scrubs at his face with his free hand. “House could use it.”

You crane your neck to look over his shoulder. “We don’t really have that many dirty dishes.”

Piotr snorts, then raises an eyebrow at you. “When was last time we vacuumed? Or deep cleaned bathrooms? Or washed windows?”

“We can see out the windows just fine!”

Piotr grins and shakes his head. He stands, holding his hand out to you. “Come on, myshka. Clean home, clean mind.”

“I’ll have you know that my mind is nothing but dirty, and I’m offended that you would dare insinuate otherwise.”

Piotr laughs and helps you up. “We can start upstairs and work our way down.”

 ***

 Cleaning with Piotr isn’t so bad. He carries his fair share of the workload, does things to their proper doneness, and is a firm supporter of blasting tunes while cleaning.

“Take! Me! On!” You bounce up and down in time with the beat while you clean the sliding glass doors in your bedroom that lead out to the balcony. “I’ll… be… gone! In a day or two!”

Behind you, Piotr laughs. He’s hauling out a trashbag from the bathroom –no doubt filled with the sheer amount of crumpled paper towels it takes to get the place sanitary again. “I see you are enjoying yourself.”

“Absolutely not. I’m suffering endlessly. I’m going to die any minute now.” And then, to prove you point, you flop to the floor dramatically (taking care to use your powers to cushion your landing).

Piotr lets out a choked gasp, then clutches at his chest. “You keep scared me!”

You look up at him and laugh. “You know I can catch myself! You’ve seen me do that before!”

“Changes nothing!” He lets out a ragged breath, hand still pressed over his heart. “I could have heart attack.”

You giggle, then lift yourself off the floor with a swirl of wind. You land nimbly on your toes before him and wrap your arms around his waist. “Aw, now who’s being dramatic?”

“I fail to see how concern for your well-being is dramatic!”

You suppress a grin, opting to pop up on the balls of your feet and kiss him instead. “I’m very sorry I scared you, baby.”

“Is okay.” He kisses you gently, then gazes down at you with a rueful smile on his lips. “What am I going to do with you, myshka?”

“Dance with me?” You flash him an impish smile, then start bouncing in time to the music again.

Piotr chuckles, then takes your hands in his and bops along with you.

The two of you dance around the room –well, as much as what you’re doing can be called dancing. You sing the lyrics of the song to each other, not sticking to any particular key or tempo.

You laugh when Piotr lifts you into his arms, bridal style, then squeal in delight when he spins the two of you around.

It’s perfect.

 ***

 Day Three

 You wake up to the sound of Piotr’s phone chirping –because, even on vacation, he still keeps a daily morning alarm.

He groans as he comes to, then laughs when you roll over him and shut off his alarm for him. “Well, good morning to you, too.”

You set his phone back on his nightstand, then straddle his hips and plant your hands against his brawny chest. “You’re not making me clean today.”

Piotr smirks up at you, bushy eyebrow raising in challenge. “Oh?”

“We’re spending today in this bed,” you continue. “Just you” –you tap his chest—“and me, and as few clothes as possible. Sound good?”

He pretends to mull it over, even has he takes off the shirt he’d been sleeping in. “Are we allowed bathroom and meal breaks?”

“I’ll allow it.”

“Ah, very generous. Thank you, benevolent myshka.”

“You’re very welcome.” You giggle when he grins –then let out a delighted yelp when he rolls suddenly, pinning you between him and the bed. You sigh as he kisses you, eyes fluttering shut. You arms wind around his neck, holding him against you while his hands smooth down your body.

 ***

 Day Four

 Cabin fever starts setting in between the third and fourth day. There’s only so many chores you can do, only so many papers you can grade (and you’re out of papers to grade, which doesn’t help your case), only so much sex you can have before you’re gonna start losing your mind.

Fortunately, Piotr is well-attuned to you and your mental states –meaning he notices that you’re getting twitchy before you dip into pyromania to keep yourself entertained.

“We should do something fun today,” he says during breakfast. He spreads some sour cream over his plate of blinis, then adds cottage cheese and sausage meat. “Perhaps play some video games. Ellie has been pestering me to play some multi-people games with her and Yukio.”

“Could be fun,” you say before stuffing your mouth full with Nutella-covered blini. You swallow, then ask, “What did she want to play?”

“Ah… she had two. I think… Falling Guys and Among Us?”

A slow, wicked grin stretches across your place. Fuck yeah. “Let her know we’re in.”

 ***

 Piotr, unfortunately, turns out to be none too good at Fall Guys.

“No!” He wails, then flops back against the couch when he gets thrown off a platform and into the slime. “I could not run away!”

“You have to anticipate the enemy’s movements,” Ellie says over Discord. She’s already qualified and is spectating you and Yukio. “Predict their strategy, then counter.”

“I think it is less strategy and more ‘giant hands do not play nice with tiny controller,’” Piotr grumbles good-naturedly.

“Or maybe you got your butt kicked like a scrub,” Ellie fires back.

“I never contested that,” Piotr chuckles.

“Alright,” you say, eyes glued on your pink and yellow striped player. “I’m almost there, there’s plenty of slots left –no, you fucking pigeon! Let me go!”

“Language,” Piotr murmurs between bouts of laughter.

“It’s always a pigeon!” Ellie groans. “Fucking skyrats.”

“Language, NTW.”

You qualify for the next round (no thanks to the damn pigeon, who qualifies, too). Egg Scramble is next, and you wind up facing off against Ellie and Yukio for the win.

“Damn it!” There’s the sound of something hitting the floor –most likely Ellie throwing her controller—when she and Yukio get booted out. “Yellow always loses!”

“Is that it?” you ask while the loading screen plays. “Are we at the final round yet?”

“There’ll be one more,” Yukio says. “To finish whittling down the competitors.”

Sure enough, there’s a round of Tip-Toe –which you get through by the skin of your teeth—and then you and eight other players are sent to the finale.

“Okay, Hex-A-Gone. You’ll want to just hop from tile to tile,” Ellie advises you while the level loads. “It makes the tiles last longer.”

“Don’t be afraid to drop a couple levels at first,” Yukio adds. “You can carve out one of the lower levels, meaning anyone that falls above you will have further to go and will be more likely to get out.”

“I appreciate it, but don’t expect any miracles,” you say, laughing self-deprecatingly.

Piotr kisses the top of your head. “You can do this, myshka.”

You follow the girls’ advice; you let yourself drop down two levels, then start hopping from tile to tile to start carving out the platform.

“One guy’s already out!” Ellie announces. “You’ve got this!”

“Shit! I fell!”

“That’s okay,” Yukio reassures you. “Find a decent mass of tiles and hop, don’t run. Make them last.”

“The pigeon grabbed another player,” Piotr marvels, shaking his head.

“Yeah, well, they both died, so fat lot of good it did them,” Ellie mutters.

You keep going, bounce from brightly colored hexagon to brightly colored hexagon.

“Only four left!” Ellie lets out a whoop. “Holy shit, you’re gonna make it!”

“Don’t jinx me!” you laugh as you dodge another player’s attempt to grab you. “Don’t jinx me!”

“Three left –two! It’s just you and one other guy!”

“You’ve got this, Y/N!” Yukio cheers.

You dive for a clump of tiles –and miss. “No!” You groan, then laugh as your character plummets into the pink slime. “Damn. I’m never going to do that good ever again.”

Piotr wraps an arm around your shoulders in a conciliatory hug. “You did wonderful job, myshka.”

“He’s right. That was really good. The winner fell a few seconds after you, so it was basically a coin toss as to who was gonna get the crown,” Ellie says while the winner’s animation plays on screen.

“Yeah! Great job!” Yukio congratulates you.

“Wanna do another round?” Ellie asks as she flicks between skins and accessories for her avatar.

Yukio laughs lightly. “Baby, we were going to get lunch.”

“Oh, right.”

“Perhaps we can try other game after lunch,” Piotr suggests. “‘Fall Guys’ is okay, but makes me too dizzy.”

“Yeah, sure. Text me when you guys are done eating.”

***

 Among Us doesn’t go much better for Piotr, if only because he doesn’t adhere to the strategy of the game. He does his tasks without fail –which usually leaves him alone, and thus a prime target for killing or pinning a murder on. He’s also a terrible liar, which makes it easy to tell when he is the impostor.

You laugh as Piotr’s little red spaceman goes floating into space. “I honestly feel bad.”

“I don’t,” Wade says (he and Nate hopped on the Discord call when Yukio sent them an invite). “Pay for some acting classes, Chrome Dome! Give us a challenge, at least.”

Piotr starts grumbling in Russian, but it gets cut off when the round starts up again.

(You all still wind up losing because Nate’s the other impostor and racks up bodies like nobody’s business.)

“I’m still waiting for when Ellie and Dad get the impostor role together,” you comment as the defeat screen flashes on your laptop screen.

“What, so we all die in five minutes?” Wade grumbles. “So we can suffer the agony of betrayal and not honoring trust again?”

“It’s just a game, Wade,” Nate sighs. “And I apologized already.”

“Is our relationship ‘just a game’ to you, Natey? I gave you an alibi –and then you shanked me in the shower like rejected prison bitch!”

“Language, Wade,” your husband pipes up, voice world-weary. “Please.”

You all start another round once Wade calms down –which, admittedly, takes a while and a great deal of coaxing from Nathan. You grin when you see that you’re an impostor alongside Yukio –then giggle to yourself when a plan pops into your mind.

You start stalking Piotr around the map. You fake doing tasks alongside him, acting as his shadow as he treks around the map. On the corner of your screen, you watch your kill timer wind down, then wait for the right moment once it runs out, and—

Downstairs, in his art studio, your husband lets out an indignant scream when your character murders his.

You fall back onto the bed and cackle.

 ***

 Day Five

 The squall rages on outside. The world is practically buried in snow. It’s a sea of white outside your bedroom windows, blinding and sterile.

You peer at the swaths of snow blanketing every inch of ground, every tree branch, and every shrub, then nestle further under the blankets. “Ugh. I don’t even want to get out of bed today.”

Piotr chuckles, then wraps an arm around your waist. “How come?”

“Have you seen what it’s like outside? It’s disgusting!”

“I thought you liked snow.”

“I do. That’s how you know it’s bad.” You sigh as you eye the fat, fluffy flakes falling from the sky. “I wish I could, like, go outside. Go to a store or something. Leave the house.”

“Is not safe to drive yet.”

“I know, I know.” You sigh. “Is it bad that I miss the color green?”

“Nyet. Is normal.”

You smile, just a little, when Piotr kisses the back of your head. You roll over to face him. “Can we build a blanket fort today?”

He raises an eyebrow. “What… here? In bedroom?”

“Yeah. We can make it look all pretty, and snuggle in bed, and watch movies, and have sex…”

“Bozhe ty moi.” Piotr snorts, then takes a moment to study your face, your eyes. “You really want blanket fort?”

“Kind of, yeah. I just… I want something new to look at.”

The corner of his mouth turns up in a soft smile. He presses his lips against your forehead. “Alright, myshka. Let’s make fort.”

***

 “When a man and a woman see each other and like each other, they ought to come together. Wham. Like a couple of taxis on Broadway.”

You let out a content, relaxed sigh, then wriggle closer to Piotr.

The fort, admittedly, is simple –but you don’t mind. While you were taking a shower, Piotr assembled the whole thing, just to give you a little surprise.

He’d brought up a couple floor lamps from the main floor, then clipped some fairy lights to them before draping the largest quilt in the house over top to make the room. He’d pinned some throw blankets to either side of the quilt to make the sides, then made the bed and assembled the pillows so the two of you could have a nice, cozy, comfy den to watch movies in.

The recurring, delighted thought of ‘he made it for me; he made it for me because he knew I wanted one’ loops around in your brain like a bumblebee drunk on fermented crab apples. You grin, then loop your arms around Piotr’s neck and kiss his cheek.

He grins, cheeks flushing ever so slightly. “What was that for?”

“You made me a blanket fort.”

“You asked for one.”

“Yeah, but you made it for me. You could’ve just waited until we could both work on it.”

He shrugs, lips curving into a soft, pleased smile. “I wanted to see look on face. You were very happy.”

“Correction: I am very happy.” You kiss the tip of his nose, then his lips. “I love you, Piotr.”

“And I love you, Y/N.”

 ***

 Day Six

 You know it’s bad when you wake up before Piotr.

You look over at your husband, who’s still slumbering away next to you –and sawing some logs, no less—then out at the winter hellscape outside, and decide there’s only one thing for it.

You’re channeling your inner Great British Bake Off contestant and demolishing the kitchen.

***

 Piotr comes downstairs around ten in the morning –which is a miraculous amount of sleep in time for him—but by then, the damage has already been done.

There’s a cake cooling on the counter (you’d found a box of cake mix in the back of the pantry and decided to use it as a warm-up. The mixer is working overtime on a double batch of sugar cookies –plus there’s already chocolate chip cookie dough chilling in the fridge.

You look up from the cookbook you’d been perusing –you were thinking pie next—and flash your husband a slightly sheepish grin as he gapes at the kitchen. “Uh… good morning?”

“Myshka…”

“I made cake.”

“I can see that.” Piotr drops his heads into his hands and makes a noise somewhere between a groan and a laugh. “Why?”

“Because being trapped inside is stressing me out and I want to cope by eating my weight in desserts.”

Piotr sighs, then lifts his head. He eyes the mixer, then the increasingly sheepish expression on your face. “How much is that?”

“In the bowl or in the fridge?”

“Bozhe ty moi.”

“Look, the way I see it, we can share—”

“You have that much correct. We do not need five million cookies.”

“Excuse you, I’m only making three million. Also, do you know where the lard is?”

Piotr’s face scrunches up. “Lard? Why—”

“I wanna make pie.”

He pinches the bridge of his nose. “We already have cake. And goodness knows how many kinds of cookies.”

“But those aren’t pie.” You smile impishly at him. “Plus, like, pie has fruit, so it’s good for you. You like fruit. Think about how good it’ll be to eat something with fruit after all the cake, and the cookies…”

“Or I could just eat fruit.” He sighs, resigned and slightly frustrated, when you bat your eyelashes at him. “I will check pantry.”

***

 Day Seven

 “—as of today, authorities are lifting the ban on nonessential travel—”

“Yes!” You launch yourself into the air, twirling around and pumping your fists before landing lightly on the couch once more. “Finally!”

Piotr laughs and shakes his head. “What, is staying inside with me so terrible?”

“Absolutely not.” You crawl across the couch and into his lap, then give him a loud smooch. “I have enjoyed every single day of your company. However, you’ve got about fifteen minutes before I start repainting the walls out of sheer boredom.”

Piotr bursts into raucous guffaws. He puts a hand over his eyes, shoulders and stomach shaking with each laugh. He sighs, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes as minute giggles slip past his lips. “Well, we do need to restock on food. And flour and butter, since someone decided to open bakery yesterday.”

You pointedly ignore the pies and full cookie jar sitting on the kitchen counter. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He snorts, then pats your thigh. “Get dressed, myshka. We will go shopping.”

“Fuck yeah!” You zip up the stairs.

Downstairs, you can hear Piotr start laughing again.

[cloveroctobers]

• TALIA NASCIMENTO•

IG info/bio: @/callmetalia333 | 524k followers | Journalist | TALIA. but u may have formerly known me as user: brdf0rdsvasquiff—rip!!!1! so don’t even think about it 😌

(23) 25 going on (26) years of age

I’ve read a canon that her name is just Talia and not short for anything & I agree with that + she’s always quick to correct someone if they get it wrong too

Her hometown is Watford, England

but she was originally born in Maidenhead in the backseat of a car during a severe rainstorm

Nonetheless watford taught her all she needed to know when it came to music

She found her first love when she heard the sound of music soundtrack for the v first time as a young girl but is often nervous to admit that?

her father is Brazilian and is a firefighter

her mother is Bulgarian and works as a secretary in a elementary school

her mother is more traditional than her father when it comes to their cultures

I originally felt like she gave only child vibes but I can deff see her giving off big sis energy since she did mention she has a younger brother

V protective over her little brother

there’s a three year age difference

her parents have separated multiple times before which caused a riff in the family dynamic

The constant coming and going from her dad became quite irritating

And Talia was the most vocal by wanting them to figure it out and NOT get a divorce

Which led to talia’s commitment issues when it came to relationships herself

was born with blue eyes yet they shifted to brown once she grew

“Tom-boy” growing up & still is

netball was her sport and man was it something to see her play?! She was quick on her feet and can definitely shoot far-range with ease

Always down for contact sports too

She lost count how many bruises and scrapes she would come home with much to her mother’s horror but she would always brush it off—it was never that big of a deal to her

yet she takes time in healing her scars with homemade treatments or purchases from beauty stores when she wants to show her legs off

she didn’t get into “girly” wear until recently, she never thought too much of her body or when she started to get curves...she always hid that behind big tee’s, fitted jeans, and kicks—that’s what she was used to

she’s got broad shoulders and toned arms

had thick bushy brows that almost formed a uni brow growing up

her mother used to have her hair always plaited since she is very superstitious, believing that “the devil lives in the woman’s hair”

yet talia’s hair texture was much different than her mother’s, maybe due to the fact that her mother always had her hair up and out of the way? Talia’s hair is much bigger, heavier, and naturally curly

+ her mother used to say some harsh things in Bulgarian about her hair — that says a lot when you’re taught to hate your hair trust!!!

when she got a little older and able to manage her own hair + afford it, She learned how to love it herself and that’s all that mattered. Her hair became v important to her, it was her source of comfort

that’s the only thing she’s high maintenance about tbh

she spends a lot of money on her hair but devacurl can still piss off

diffusing is one of her fav things to do to her hair—besides washing it, and deep conditioning, after a night of letting her hair air-dry

loves rose jam

has a embroidery machine, along with a collection of her work but only one piece is showcased in her flat. She didn’t want her place to look completely like her bába’s (Bulgarian: grandmother)

her closet is filled with many Havaianas, they’re all piled up in a wicker basket and ready to tumble over on her top shelf... if she moves one of the ceramic pots her mother left in her flat for luck, that whole shelf might come crashing down

Swears drinking guaraná the next morning cures any hangover you may have

commonly sleeps in big t-shirts and panties or not or booty shorts depending on her time of the month—it’s freeing to her

Has torn her achilles due to whatever contact sport she decided to join in on during a beach vacation with her mates

has a touch of arthritis in her shoulder

this is where her love for massages came from due to injuries she’s faced

+ It’s always a good sign when you can make someone else feel better ya know?

She’s been told she’s great with her hands ;) it all takes practice

bi mami *cringe* but she likes what she likes, and feels what she feels

she kinda has a type but doesn’t want to admit that

her mother doesn’t understand this but her father easily accepted her preference/orientation

her little brother was the first she came out to, “alright!...you still suck”

always wants to fix situations WHEN it comes to HER friends but is oblivious when it’s come to her own issues whether its in relationships/friendships +

was called out by one of her friends who she often argues/butts heads with from time to time “you’re always sticking your nose in people’s business but can’t solve your own shit!”

maybe it’s the journalist in her? she’s not afraid to ask questions or look at things from a outside perspective

her group of friends are all from different ethnic backgrounds to Indian to Ethiopian

has been in and out of relationships...maybe had one stable relationship? Outside of mc but that relationship failed after a year and she feels it has something to do with her parents and how she watched their relationship unfold but won’t openly admit that

Doesn’t like to argue in relationships and often is a little undermining with how she responses to her partner’s feelings...she’s trying to be better at being understanding and listening, her mother is like this with her father

Aquarius girl + Scorpio moon + Taurus rising

loves the water + watching water sports rather than playing them since she almost drowned once by letting her confidence get the best of her

used to be a directioner and isn’t ashamed to admit that!

take me home album stan 100% bitch there’s no point in arguing!!! Buh bye!!!

She is ashamed however to admit that she used to write for them, mostly ziam fics with a touch of Harry thrown in the mix as well...take that how u will

has a few merch pieces as well, they’re mostly loungewear + that powdery perfume they dropped. YES she still has it, no she won’t sell it to u

still supports them on the low since you know, she’s a music journalist and reviewing songs is what she makes a living for so why the hell not? They will always hold a special place in her heart. She grew with those boys

she’s not in denial like Hannah that they’re get back together

If someone wants her to film a reaction vid to zayn’s new album or release a written review? She WILL. Her top 3? 1. When loves around ft Syd 2. Outside 3. Unfuckwitable

If someone wants to hear her thoughts on Harry’s mv’s + breaking down his lyrics, she’ll tell you what you NEED to know whether U agree or not she don’t give a damn lol

Can throw hands and stomp a bitch out if she needs too. Has gotten kicked out of clubs/bars for defending her friends mainly not because someone chatted shit to her, that’s whatever but once you cross her friends? It’s on

Allegra got lucky 🦶🏼☕️ and Lucy

remained super close with jake and tim as expected...Rohan’s cool too ofc! but she’s not here for their rapping shit sorry. She’ll hit them both with a quick side eye and snarl if they start or if jake wants to recite some poetry. She’s outta here

Talia hardly had issues making friends easily with the boys it was always harder with the girls :/

they hang out all the time!

she actually became close with sammi as well, which was nice to have another girl friend around even tho they weren’t together in the house long like the others. She’s spontaneous, cute, resourceful, and kind so talia had no issue reaching out to her first to see what she was about outside of the show

don’t even ask her about what she thinks of the new seasons, she’s not here to chat shit and have her words twisted like she’s watched many of the cast deal with. If you want to talk about the over kill use of pop as the soundtrack for each season, then yeah she’ll talk to you about that

doesn’t use social media much, she finds it funny how whenever she does pop back in people are begging her to post SOMETHING so that they know that she’s alive

Pretty private

she also can’t grasp why they want her to do the bussit challenge? Lmao like hey don’t get her wrong, some of them were pretty great but she’s barely got a bum to bounce and little booties matter ofc!!! but she can’t see herself doing it unless she’s drunk off her arse!!!

maybe mc can convince her...for the fans duh!!! “Give the ppl what they want! Talia! It’s not like you won’t be around music!” “I’ll think about it...nah.”

she’s been busier since the show, able to tour more and WRITE which is what she loves to do

Her secret pleasure is watching those nurse shows and firefighting shows in her free time and those singing shows you already know that’s a given

Wanted to be some form of a nurse growing up but knew she could help people in another way

*inserts* “music Is The best Medicine” overused but true quote here!!

I feel like she’s a r&b lover

listens to those hour long rain sounds on YouTube to help herself fall asleep

she‘s not the best cook but she’s a foodie and she’s down to try new food always

occasionally her and Tim are jake’s Guinea pigs when he’s whipping something up for his menu 

and hates eating the same things all the time unless it’s breakfast! There’s not too much more you can do with that

that’s also her specialty, making breakfast for u in bed

Morning afters with her are intimate but humorous. She’ll poke fun if you’re both looking crazy, always joking and in the best mood whether things got physical or not she’s just happy to have you here 🥲

I think her love language is quality time

if you’re playing her route and Lucy is the ex, and you’ve decided to fully commit to each other I deff see Lucy still trying to pull some shit outside of the show just because she feels like she can but once Talia see’s that it’s really starting to get to you despite how much you try to brush it off or snap at Lucy or even Talia!!! Talia is on Lucy’s ass in seconds! She doesn’t need a ex to ruin her possible future , “you’re not gonna fuck up this good thing I’ve got just cause you’re flimsy at relationships babe, so go be a cunt somewhere else or you’ll be sorry. I promise.”

anthem: Snow Tha Product — Shut up

[everywhereanytimetravelwithme]

Did It First

If you have been playing guess the artist using my article titles, then you might be a little confused on this one. There aren’t any lyrics because, technically, this one is more so of a quote. 

In the words of Soulja Boy, “I been did it... I did it first”

Welcome back to “Ethel’s Book of Revelations” 

What does it mean to be ghetto? The word ghetto is flung around today like a hot potato, but what does it even really mean to be “ghetto.” A quick Google search will show that the word ghetto itself refers to a part of a city, usually the slums, occupied by a minority group(s). Simple enough. 

Urban dictionary goes into a much deeper definition of ghetto; “’Ghetto’ is a derogatory term used towards individuals who lack the standards of manners and ethics... is normally directed towards black individuals... is how an individual looks at the world and acts accordingly to the ‘ghetto’ belief... is how one represents themselves in how they dress, act, and speak that acquires itself from the poor conditions of a ‘ghetto’ upbringing.”

All in all, being ghetto refers to the way non-affluent minority groups, who lack resources, dress, act, and speak. 

I hate when people refer to things as ghetto. 

From the long acrylic nails to the hairstyles, down to the overflow of gold jewelry, black women were ridiculed and called ghetto by everyone. The acrylic nails were too long for their comfort, the excess gold jewelry was too much for them and the hairstyles were not professional enough. According to the rest of the world, it was down right ghetto!

The crazy part is that today, those same people who labeled this fashion as ghetto are now claiming it and calling it an aesthetic. 

To me, majority of things deemed as “ghetto” was really creativity that was misunderstood. Misunderstood until the “right” person came along, saved the day and made it alright.

Take grillz for an example; they were always seen as something that people in the hood wore, ghetto. It was not included in main stream fashion and you definitely did not find any affluent people wearing them. Overtime, these fashion trends slithered their way into main stream culture through white (and lighter colored) celebrities. Now, although for the most part grillz are not seen to be professional, they are more widely accepted and have become a fashion statement. 

A lot of things that are called ghetto today are aromatics of creativity, in my eyes. There was one celebrity by the name of Ari who posted a video on her social media frying chicken in an aluminum pan filled with oil. There was social media outrage where everyone and their mothers were calling her ghetto. Aside from the fact that she can afford pots to fry her chicken in, there are so many people who actually cannot afford pots, so they came up with this method of frying their food. This may have been a habit that she picked up while she was growing up.

And if that is not innovation, then I don’t know what is!

We have already established that people who live in the ghetto are highly under resourced, hence why they have to think of ways to maintain a “normal” lifestyle. If there are no pots available to you, the next best thing would be the aluminum pan, granted it may not be the safest, but it will get the job done. 

Calling such things ghetto downplays people’s creativity. By people, I mean (mostly) black people. The “ghetto” narrative was created and maintained in order to limit black people in their power, aka their creativity. Back when slavery was legal, one of the ways slavery was justified was through treating the black man and woman as if they were something a part from human, something that couldn’t feel pain or possess enough brain power to be creative; that was reserved for white people only, but I digress. There is so much creativity born and bred within those six letters. Instead of elongating it to mean what it really is, innovation, creativity, problem-solving, entrepreneurship, it is instead compressed into a two syllable word.  

“Ghetto-ness” is more than someone’s creativity; it leaks into survival. It is about the ability to “figure it out” no matter what the circumstances are. Due to a lack of resources, they have always had to “figure it out,” in order to simply live. It may not be the style that elitist have in mind, but it is unfair to downplay it; it is mentally and creatively depriving. 

The way you view the world is a direct reflection of your past experiences and who you know yourself to be. 

So the question now is, why do I care if someone calls something ghetto. 

Well, for starters, I am a black woman and this directly impacts me. But, also because I resonate so much with the whole idea of “figuring it out.” I am very much a “I’ll figure it out and make it work” type of person. That being said, I do not like to ask for help. It is not that I do not like it, but more so that I am hesitant to do so. Everybody needs help, whether they want to admit it or not because, let’s face it, nobody knows what they are doing, we are all just winging it. I don’t typically ask for help, but when I do, I am always let down. Either they really cannot help me or they can help me and choose not to. I am also the kind of person who likes to help people. I grew up in a household where helping one another was always encouraged, so when someone I know comes to me for help, I will always help them, even if that means putting myself in slightly compromising positions. 

PSA: do NOT do this! Please put yourself first (I mean, we all have our demons)

Back to the subject at hand, when I am let down, I kick into my “I’ll just do it myself and make it work” mentality. 

It is unfair to judge people based on circumstances that were out of their control. If they grew up frying meals in an aluminum container, and you deem it as ghetto and unacceptable, one, it is really not your business, two, if it concerns you so much, why not provide them with the correct instruments to do so, and three you need to check your privilege.

So next time you see something that is not normal to you, don’t knock it, take a step back and try to understand it from a different perspective. Don’t be so small minded. Some trends and habits may not be for you, but watch in a couple years, when that thing they call ghetto, that usually, a black woman did, will be a trend and considered cool and apart of mainstream fashion. 

We are the designer. We are the blueprint.

Exhibit A: 

About a year ago, this woman came up with a unique, never seen before fashion idea, where she used sneakers to make a corset top. When she posted this picture, it went viral, not because of the originality behind the corset design, but because the public deemed it as “ghetto” and were making fun of her design. They threw dirt on it and said it looked wack. 

Fast-forward a year later... 

It is not shown in this screenshot, but the post got over 29.5k likes and 6,800 retweets. 

Like Soulja Boy said, “I did it first.”

I rest my case. 

[bi-makes-pie]

"I'm her best enemy" Playlist [ PART ONE - Songs 1 to 30]

Click READ MORE to see the whole list

1. Nemeses (feat. John Roderick) – Jonathan Coulton I mostly see this as being in the Master’s POV.

“Could it be that you need me To keep you out, to run you faster Promise me you'll let me be The one, the worst of all your enemies”

2. Crazy – Burn the Ballroom 12 to Missy. This one is quite cute. He does calls her mad, but we all know the Doctor isn’t exactly the perfect picture of sanity either.

“She had problems with my love connections So she bought me bullets and she made corrections (…) I'd say crazy, doll, but you've got something different I'd say complicated but that's your kind of rhythm I'd say lost and you'd say love

But you're crazy not to see That you're crazy just like me...”

3. Silence – Citizen Shade This kinda makes me picture the Doctor trying to give in and settle down with the Master (any version) while dealing with the inner conflict that they’re far too cruel for their taste.

“I found peace in your violence Can't tell me there's no point in trying I'm at one, and I've been silent for too long”

4. Dangerous Man - Little Dume This alternates between the Doctor’s POV and the Master’s. But you can also interpret it as being 100% about any version of the Doctor, since they do have a dark side.

“Every bone in my body's bad Fire's burning, the skies are turning black They say I'm a dangerous man” “Can you hear the storm's a coming I'm a silver in the lining There's a spark in me They say I'm a dangerous man Better run fast as you can Don't you look back”

5. Under Covers – LeRiche A bittersweet song about two people who had this precious friendship and love for each other, and about how distance can keep it all bottled up but once they give it a chance, they immediately go right back to the start. Just fits them very well, if you picture a happy ending to their relationship.

“I don't know why you're looking for a friend I'm right by your side But out here from a distance You won't look me in the eyes Without your love, I think I could die Then you let me in, we go back to beginnings When we were just friends hanging out on the ceiling We'll laugh about love and how we felt for one another And I love the way we make up under covers”

6. The Scientist – Coldplay A song about longing to make things right again and with little analogies involving science? I mean…

“Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard Oh, take me back to the start”

7. Renegades – X Ambassadors The “They actually stole a TARDIS and ran away together from Gallirey” AU we need so much

“Run away with me Lost souls and reverie Running wild and running free Two kids, you and me And I say Hey, hey hey hey Living like we're renegades”

8. Love is War – American Young I like how cute this song is and yet there is a bit of a dark twist. Fits them.

“Sometimes love is all that can save us Sometimes love can kill a man Yeah sometimes love is a soft touch Or a pistol in your hand Sometimes love is a white flag (...) Sometimes a cannon ball But it's worth fighting for Baby, sometimes love is war”

9. Bury a friend – Billie Eilish (Cover by Pomplamoose) Master’s POV. Can apply to any of their regenerations but I think of Simm!Master the most, since Ten tends to run towards him rather than walk away from him.

“What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? What are you wondering? What do you know? Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? When we all fall asleep, where do we go?”

10. Come as you are – Nirvana (Cover by Imaginary Future) Best Enemies, everyone. Master’s POV again.

“Come as you are, as you were As I want you to be As a friend, as a friend As an old enemy (…) And I swear that I don't have a gun No, I don't have a gun”

11. Turn – The Wombats Academy!Era, Doctor’s POV. Theta (Doctor) clearly has a crush on Koschei (Master) and they’re both love being chaotic together. 

“I like the way your brain works, I like the way you try To run with the wolf pack when your legs are tired I like the way you turn me inside and out I like the way you turn I like the way your brain works Baby, it's the crazy I like I think I saw the world turn in your eyes”

12. Run – Snow Patrol Master’s POV if he was ever able to be honest about his feelings. Some parts can easily be read as the Doctor’s POV too.

“You've been the only thing that's right In all I've done And I can barely look at you But every single time I do I know we'll make it anywhere Away from here”

13. Maps - The Front Bottoms The Doctor’s POV as their relationship deteriorates after the Academy and he plans to steal the TARDIS and leave Gallifrey and his friend behind. I had to help myself from quoting the whole song because IT REALLY FITS SO WELL.

“There is a map in my room, on the wall of my room And I've got big, big plans (…) You say 'I hate you', you mean it And 'I love you' sounds fake It's taken me so long to figure that out I used to love the taste, I would do anything for it Now I would do anything to get the taste out of my mouth (…) "And what about your friends, Don't you love them enough to stay?" And I say, "If I don't leave now, Then I will never get away." Let me be a blue raft on the blue sea, I'll blend right in”

14. Old College – The Mountain Goats This fits the tiresome, sad, manipulative and draining part of their relationship.

“The warning signs have all been bright and garish Far too great in number to ignore (…) Our love has never had a leg to stand on From the aspirins to the cross-tops to the Elavils 

But I will walk down to the end with you If you will come all the way down with me”

15. Like a Staring Contest – The Future Kings of Nowhere Covers the end of their friendship and start of the new enemies dynamic. 

“I'm so tired of open warfare When the point of this was to be best of friends (…) When you fall in love as hard And recklessly as you and I do It seems that the final act should have The same intensity as the first scene”

16. Poison and Wine – The Civil Wars Reminds me of 12 and Missy but before Series 10. 

“You only know what I want you to I know everything you don't want me to Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine You think your dreams are the same as mine Oh I don't love you but I always will” 

17. Genesis 30:3 – The Mountain Goats The mentions of a past relationship and the following lines followed by drums really make me picture this as Simm!Master and Ten getting a happy but bittersweet ending.

“For several hours we lay there, last ones of our kind Harder days coming, maybe I don't mind Sounds kind of dumb when I say it, but it's true I would do anything for you”

 18. Blood Under The Bridge – Frightened Rabbit Could literally be any version, but I picture Dhawan!Master and 13 making amends here, mostly because he might be crazy and frenetic but behind that façade he’s clearly way more tired than she ever will be.

“And it's alright, it's alright It's just blood under the bridge And I'm too tired to fight And you're sick of feeling sick And so am I It's alright It's just blood under the bridge”

19. Even Though Our Love is Doomed – Garbage  Missy’s POV. You can interpret this like her train of thoughts and reflections starting from early Vault days to the last time we see her on-screen. Reluctance, guilt and then the resolution.

“Come a little bit closer I need to understand Why we kill the things we love the most (…) Can you love me for what I've become Love me for what I Said that I would not become 'Cause they don't burn like I do (…) And even though our love is doomed And even though we're all messed up You're the only thing worth fighting for” You're the only thing worth dying for” 

20. Starlight – Muse 12 and Missy during the episodes World Enough and Time and The Doctor Falls.

“Now I'll never let you go If you promised not to fade away Never fade away Our hopes and expectations Black holes and revelations” 

21. Control – Halsey This screams Missy to me, especially since she literally incorporates the character of the evil nanny in her book (The Missy Chronicles) and in Big Finish’s audio dramas.

“I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones

And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy God damn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control?”

 22. Enemy – Woodlock End of Academy!Era. Yet another song which reminds me about their early fighting days and the end of their friendship.

This is where it begins At the start of an end I could no longer pretend No more, you walked out the door You’re my enemy

23. Why Can't We Be Friends? – The Academic The title says it all. The lyrics also mention how the relationship is always turning into something new, so I had to associate with the longest friends to lovers to enemies we’ve ever seen on television.

“This world is pointless If you're not here This world is pointless If we're not self-destructing love And it falls and it breaks and it turns into something new And it falls and it breaks and it turns into something” 

24. Wish That You Were Here – Florence + The Machine Doctor’s POV, in the days when he regrets leaving Gallifrey for a couple of seconds before turning to occupy his with something else. Because he knows that even if he went back, things aren’t the same and everyone has changed – including him.

“And I never minded being on my own Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home To be where you are But even closer to you, you seem so very far

And it's beautiful but there's that tug in the sight I must stop time traveling, you're always on my mind”

 25. No Light, No Light – Florence + The Machine This one makes me picture the first moment the Doctor realized his friend had changed too much and had to choose between his own feelings and standing for what’s right. This happens A LOT in the show, but I imagine realizing that for the first time was the hardest.

“But would you leave me If I told you what I've done And would you leave me If I told you what I've become No light, no light in your bright blue eyes I never knew daylight could be so violent A revelation in the light of day”

26. Dancing with the Devil – Wolf Gang This alternates between the Master’s POV and the Doctor’s POV. 

“If you're the chosen one How does it feel to be loved by no one? If you're the number one Where do you run to? Can you hide behind the sun? You say that there's no oxygen again You're forcing down the lies but you always get your way Something tells me that this was all arranged You tricked me once again” 

27. Skeleton Park – Kasador Master’s POV. “You know, back in the day, I'd burn an entire city to the ground just to see the pretty shapes the smoke made” (Missy, in The Lie of the Land, Series 10, Episode 8)

“When the house is on fire Air fills my lungs I satisfy desire From watching all you run Yeah the house is on fire Hear the sirens scream My hands hold the lighter It fits so naturally”

28. Elastic Heart – Longfellow What I love the most about the Doctor (all versions) is how they keep fighting for what is right despite their own feelings being hurt or despite how much it may cause them pain. I love what this character represents, and those lyrics reminds me so much of them. 

“Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one Wanted to fight this war without weapons And I wanted it, I wanted it bad But there were so many red flags (…) Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one You did not break in here I'm still fighting for peace”

 29. Bite Back – The All-American Rejects “You think you've broken me? You'll have to try harder than that” (The Doctor, in The Timeless Children Series 12, Episode 10). Same unbreakable side of the Doctor, but this time she definitively resents it a little more than usual. 

“You couldn't break me in the end And such a freedom I enjoy When you're deaf to the sounds you trust If that was all you've got, my friend Then set yourself to disappoint” 

30. No Children – The Mountain Goats Listen to me here: this covers the whole “They were married way before they started to hate each other back on Gallifrey” fan theory.

“I am drowning There is no sign of land You are coming down with me Hand in unlovable hand”

[ PART TWO TO BE ADDED SOON ]

[purplexedhuman]

Hi Pooja! Thanks for the kitty pics! They’re so cute! What great serotonin! And I’ve never noticed the flute playing along in BuWang! I will have to relisten! I must have no heart. YiNanPing does not bother me. :/ and now I have to go find YeBen and listen to it! I love WuJi, QuJinChenQing, and BuWang like probably everyone in the fandom. I also love BuYou and HenBie. Like HenBie is so freaking good and WZC’s voice is SO AMAZING. I LOVE LOVE LOVE HenBie. And the lyrics are just too pretty. (1/?)

I have participated in content events before! If you want to try to figure out who I am, I can try to leave clues for you? Would that be fun? I can give you a clue every week and we can go from there! So questions time! What’re your favorite sad scene and favorite happy scene in CQL? Favorite non-wangxian ship? Favorite episode to watch? Favorite episode to gif? Any thoughts and what not to elaborate on those favorites would be good. Looking forward to reading your answers!-🔥🐯 (2/2)

Hello!!! Sorry it took me so long to answer this. I was really tired after work yesterday and then ended up wasting half of today doing nothing. 

Ohh yes, WZC’s voice is lovely!! I wonder how they found such talented people for this cast who can act and sing and are so adorable!! 

And I love puzzles and riddles and scavenger hunts. It would be auch fun to try and figure out who you are!!! 

Alright, on to the questions. Disclaimer: In general, I am bad at picking favourites because either there’s soooooo many things I love that I cannot pick just one, or it’s just something I haven’t thought about explicitly, 

Favorite sad scene: I’m judging by which scenes made me cry but still did not devastate me completely, so 1) the cliff scene at Nightless City (but only because I know Wei Wuxian will get resurrected): the acting of all three of them, the pain, LWJ’s anguished scream... also the sky of nightless city is aesthetically pleasing and 2) the golden core reveal: the ACTING, the emotions, the beautiful backdrop of Lotus Pier!!! And this is when we see how devastated LWJ is at the truth, how tenderly and protectively he holds and looks at WWX, and we see JC’s hard exterior after Nightless City break to show how much pain he’s also been in. 

Favorite happy scene: I mean, can I just say the entire show episode 33 onwards? There were so many beautiful, tender, emotional, loving scenes in the second half! But if I had to pick one, I guess ep 43 in the Jingshi when it’s snowing and they both look so tender and they totally slept together after the fade to black

Favorite non-wangxian ship: I don’t know, I don’t strongly ship anyone else. Like there are ships that I’m ok with or think are cute, but I don’t actively ship them. I guess I could say lxc/nmj... How about you? There are so many diverse ship combinations in this fandom (apart from wangxian which stays constant 99% of the time). Like I think I’ve seen each character in at least 2 ship combinations.

Favourite episode to watch: Another tough one! I guess 42-43 (that was a love confession at Jinlintai, plus then we see wwx in lwj’s inner robes and start unravelling the mystery) and 46 (because all the EMOTIONS)

Favourite episode to gif: every single wangxian scene ah, this wasn’t completely intentional, but going back through my gifsets, I noticed how many of them feature the cliff scene where wwx falls. I guess if I’m making an angsty set or a set with lyrics/quotes, I tend to always think of that scene. 

Also, here’s a bonus picture of my kitty Wuji for you (He was born right when I had started watching the Untamed so...):

[blizzardfluffykpop]

Move Along

Summary: It’s okay to move on from someone who hurts you or you’re no longer in love with.

Jaehyun X Reader

Warnings: This deals with cheating and divorce.

(Jaehyun is TOXIC and realizes it)

[It ends on a light hearted note]

There’s a lot of song lyrics here if I missed a few just tell me, but here are the ones I can remember. (It was originally based off of Be My Mistake by The 1975).

Be My Mistake and It’s Not Living If It’s Not With You by The 1975, Fvck Somebody by The Wrecks, (Probably Used: Don’t Take The Money by The Bleachers), Peach Scone by Hobo Johnson and The LoveMakers, Therapy and Some Kind of Disaster by All Time Low, and (Partial quote: With a Little Help From My Friends - The Beatles) Title from Move Along by The All-American Rejects

Whether you are in a friendship, a relationship, or a marriage, everyone needs a break. Sometimes even when you’re all by yourself you need a break. When it gets tough, the tough get tougher and the weak get weaker. It seemed like my marriage to Jaehyun was perfect,... Yeah, he still had his duties as a Kpop idol, and I still have my duties at my shop. But we always knew we had each other’s backs through thick and thin. He always comes home around midnight and leaves at noon. Then, he started coming home late, or not coming home at all, and not telling me where he has been the whole time. Not even leaving a text, and when he left for tour later that week. He didn’t say a word to me and left without a word. 

In our twelve years of being together, he’s never pulled something like this. We had been best friends for five years, and he would always have me there when he goes off on tour. When we started dating, we would kiss, hug, and cry together before he left for tour. Five years after we started dating, he asked me to marry him. I said yes, of course, and for the first time since then, he hasn’t spoken a word. If he texts me at all it’s in terse sentences, no emojis, no ‘I love yous’, no nothing. If I was being real, it is breaking me into pieces, but I won’t say anything. Because it seems if I bring it up, he will ignore me.

He’s been on tour for three weeks, and I have yet to hear a word from him. I text him good mornings, are you okay, I hope you have a good day, it’s lonely without you, goodnight. It wasn’t until this afternoon that I figured that something was up. When he asked me if we can take a break, that he can’t take this marriage right now with everything going on. I broke down after I texted him back, ‘sure, that’s fine, I hope whatever is going on goes away soon’. He said ‘thanks’ shortly after, and I couldn’t feel anymore. 

Everything was going well, but it seems what they say about life is true. I never wanted to believe in it, as I kept an optimistic outlook on everything. They say nothing in life is fair, but what if it was? I refuse to let things like that get to me, well, it seems I did. As I lay on my bed suffering, my best friend, my lover, my everything… has given up. All I can say is, it’s fine, don’t worry about it, and not pry at the problems. The only one who seemed to get me since I moved here, maybe I should have stayed in my home country. 

I call my old best friend which I haven’t talked to in years. I was always wondering how they were but, fearful that they would forget about me. But the minute it lets out a ring, it’s a voice I haven’t heard in forever asking, “(Y/n)? Why are you calling me, are you alright?” I muffle my sob into my sleeve, “Not really, but I was wondering if I could come visit you?” They let out a little hum, and tell me to give them a second. “Yeah, when will you be here? Do you need me to come pick you up?” I nod, but I realize they can’t see me. I reply, “Yeah, if you don’t mind, I’ll text you after I order the plane ticket, thanks, Jamie.” 

After saying our farewells, I couldn’t care less how much the ticket was, all I knew was I wanted out of this place. The greens in the room make me nauseous as I continue to look at them while packing my stuff. Barely being able to touch Jaehyun’s clothes without shaking. I stare at the picture of us laughing, standing on the dresser, and put it down on the dresser. By the time he gets back from tour, I’ll still be at my friend’s house. I rip our pictures off the walls as I walk through the house collecting little things to take with me.The last thing I pack is my computer, and put it into its pouch, in a separate bag. I could take my car to the airport, or I could store it in my storage unit, which I decide is a better idea. I don’t want him to know where I am, he doesn’t deserve to know if he wants a break,... I’ll give him a break. I’ll take a break from him too, why does he get to be the only one who gets to have fun, and figure things out. I take a shower, before telling my employees I won’t be here for a few weeks. I tell Jeonghan to run the store like I would, “So into the ground?” He cheekily replied, making me laugh, before I said, “I’ll see you later, Jeonghan.” 

With a deep sigh and some of my frustrations out, I take my car to the storage unit. I kiss the steering wheel, telling little Louie goodbye before calling an Uber. My Uber pulls up, he has four scented trees hanging from his rear view mirror. Along with two beaded necklaces, and a little flower sitting on the dash. He asks me how my day was going, a little white lie couldn’t hurt anyone sometimes. I tell him it’s going okay, and I ask him about his. He tells me a little about himself, and I tell him little tidbits about me. He drops me off at the airport and tells me to have a safe trip. I tell him to have a good day at work he grins as I pay him the fare.

I forgot how bustling this place can be, the atmosphere feels nice. I get my bag checked, go through the scanner and wait for my flight. I look at my phone, and scrolling through twitter, and seeing propaganda from Dispatch. That Jaehyun has a hickey on his neck, he couldn’t have one if I haven’t been with him in a few weeks. They know he’s married to me, so why would they even broadcast that. Maybe I should have realized that is why he wanted a break. But alas, I didn’t put two and two together,... As I sit on the plane, that thought never crossed my mind as I fell asleep. 

Next thing I know, I’m in my home country, waiting for my old best friend to pick me up. I see them, looking around for me with a little sign that says, “Welcome back home, (Y/n)!” I rush over, hugging them as they excitedly tell me, “I can’t wait for you to meet everyone!” My eyes widened a bit, I mean I expected them to eventually get a family, but I didn’t think it was eventually yet. “Oh man, I can’t wait to meet them” The radio bopping out the tunes as we sing along, laughing at each other and reminisce. They unlock their front door, and yell, “I’m home and I brought a guest!” Three screeching kids come running attaching themselves to Jamie. When I look up after I am introduced to Pat, Dani, and Nova. Their three little ones, I notice Mingyu a face I haven’t seen in years. I tell Jamie softly, “You guys married?” they both nod at me. Mingyu had liked Jamie throughout our senior year, made it official on our graduation day. Mingyu comes over and welcomes me with a hug and kisses Jamie’s forehead. “There are children present!” Mingyu cracks back, “Yeah, like you?” I laugh, “You got me there.” The two of them laugh, before introducing me to their dogs, Shelly and Bailey, and their two cats Marco and Polo.  

They show me to the guest room where I’d be staying for a little while. I tell them I’m overly grateful for them letting me stay here, and Jaime pats my head as they tell me it’s no problem. I look around at the rusty orange painted room. The closet filled to the brim with storage, a cute little lamp on a nightstand. A small plant on the windowsill in a frog planter along with crystals arranged on the windowsill. The plush carpet riddled with coffee stains, making it more a brown carpet than a white carpet. Mingyu calls us down for dinner. The kids rushing ahead of me, I laugh as Pat trips both his siblings, I help them up and carry them in as Pat rushes in front of me. I ruffle his hair, “Little troublemaker, they’re going to get you back, you know that, right?”

Jamie sighs, “He tripped the other two-” “Because Dani and Nova pulled my hair!!” Jamie sighs, “I wonder why” we exchange a laugh, as Mingyu lays the plates down. Jamie kisses Mingyu thanking him for the meal, as the kids yell their thanks. “Don’t expect a kiss from me, but thank you very much” The both of them laugh, Mingyu asks, “How’s Jaehyun?” I wince when they bring him up and Jamie grabs my hand rubbing their thumb over my hand, “Oh honey, what happened?” I look towards the kids, “Can we wait?” They nod, understanding what I meant, we finish eating in peace. Nova sneaking her vegetables to Shelly. I shake my head, before showing her the trick of mashing her peas under her plate, then wiping them up with a napkin. Acting like I was wiping my face off on the dirty napkin. Nova giggles and following suit as Mingyu and Jamie chat with themselves. Pat and Dani, surprisingly enjoying their vegetables. After Nova finishes I sneakily throw her napkin away and wash her plate. I grab the rest of their plates, Jamie raises her eyebrows at me, “But you’re our guest-” “It’s the least I can do though, Jamie.” They roll their eyes at me, “Thank you” When no one is looking Nova and I high five, Jamie and Mingyu sending the kids off to bed. Jamie reads them a fairy tale, almost putting me to sleep, man they have a way with words. When Jamie closes the door behind me, I softly declare that Nova is my favorite. Mingyu disagrees saying Pat is the best, while Jamie rolls their eyes, telling us Dani is the best. “So you two do have favorites, I thought parents weren’t supposed to pick favorites.” They shake their heads, "You know we're kidding." I laugh, "Yeah, you did choose to adopt them and all." Before they both exchange a look at each other, “Nova listens to no one,...” Before, they look at me, “No wonder you get two get along,… Don’t teach her any sly moves now.” If only they knew, that I already did. “Wouldn’t dream of it” as we sit down on the couch and I cross my fingers. “You already have, haven’t you?” I shrug, “Maybe, maybe not”

They shake their heads, “Anyway, so what happened?” “Jaehyun asked me for a break, I should understand but, I don’t. Before he asked, he was never home if he was. It was early in the morning and then leave without a word, or not come home at all. Then for the first time in twelve years, he didn’t let me see him off at the airport. It was kind of a tradition--” Mingyu interrupts me, “How has he been texting you?” I pull out my phone, “Here, take a look” handing my phone over to both of them.

I put my hand over my face, not knowing what to feel. Shame? Sadness? Anger? None of the emotions seemed fitting, as they scroll through my texts. Jamie wraps their arms around me, cooing me, and telling me, “Oh honey,...” while Mingyu reads the rest of the texts. “Well, you’re allowed to stay here for as long as you need.” I nod, and thank them, “I’ll probably just stay for a week or two at most, and visit some of my relatives.”

A week later, and when the two of them leave for work. I’m babysitting the kids at the park telling them stories of their parents and me. They seem to like them, they get quiet and listen to me, and then we play little games together. I start to wonder why I never took time to at least adopt a kid, because these three are bundles of joy. I don’t understand parents who don’t see how children are full of life. Sure, when you have a headache, it's bad, but you have to fight through that to enjoy life anyway. Going to the park with them is always fun, which is where we are right now, well, we’re walking back home. Since their parents are home told me I comeback with the kids. I carry the three of them down the street to their house. Pat on my shoulders, Nova and Dani on either side of my hips. 

I arrive home in a wonderful mood, we played hide and go seek and tag all day. Until finally resting on the swings. It was a fun-filled day when we arrive inside, they both run to Jamie and Mingyu. Mingyu picks up Dani and Pat into his arms while Nova clings to Jamie’s legs. Jamie laughs, ruffling Nova’s hair before bending down and kissing Nova’s forehead. And I say, “What am I chopped liver?” Mingyu and Jamie look over at me and laugh as the kids switch parents. I go over to the living room, when I hear Mingyu whisper, “Do not let them turn the channel to news, Jamie-.” Before the next thing I know, Jamie comes over to entertain me, and asks if I could do laundry. I raise my eyebrow, before heading over to the laundry room and with a shrug I do the laundry. I wonder why they don’t want me to watch the news? That’s a lot to unpack, and I’m not up for unpacking any more stuff this week. I finish just as dinner is served until I realize that my phone is not on me. I search for it before I see Pat playing games on it. I should have never told them my passwords because they drain my battery. Pat eats food as he plays with it, that kid is something else. Although I cannot say I’m any different because I do the same. The whole tv whisper slips my mind as I think about Jaehyun, and how much he would love to meet Nova, Pat, Dani. The last time we were here was before they adopted them. I shudder at the thought, it seems no matter where I go he invades my thoughts. I wonder if he thinks the same, or at least I hope he does. 

Pat tugs on my sleeve to tell me my phone died, I sigh, as I finish my food, and put it into my pocket. Mingyu says he has the dishes tonight and Jamie puts on a movie on the TV. I throw my phone on my charger in my room. Pat sits on my lap as we all get comfy on the big couch. All of them are my favorite not just Nova, and Mingyu and Jamie feel the same way about their kids, they just like to joke. I can’t believe I’m a godparent to all three of them, and this is the first time I’ve met them. I feel so bad, I should have been here to see them grow up. I know Jamie and Mingyu got them when they were babies. Although they were originally planning on getting teenagers. The facility they went to had no teenagers, and all the kids were adopted, but the three new arrivals were babies. The two of them signed up for these three and went through the process. I didn’t get to see them as they grow up as much as I should have, as a godparent should. Have I just been ignoring everything but my life, have I become so selfish? Or am I just putting myself down because of Jaehyun? 

Pat falls asleep on me, becoming dead weight, causing my legs to fall asleep, I start to feel tired as well. I get up with Pat and gesture I’m going to tuck both of us into our beds and sleep. Pat’s a sound sleeper luckily, as I tuck him in and wish him sweet dreams before tucking myself into my bed. I wake up in the middle of the night to check my phone. I see an article about Jaehyun and decide to read it tomorrow morning, I’m scoff and roll over falling back to sleep. 

When I wake up again, it’s to the bright sunshine, because I forgot to close my curtains. I grumble about it, before opening my phone and looking at the news article. “Is Jaehyun Cheating on (Y/n)?” Just because we take a break doesn’t mean you have to go nut Dispatch. But go off I guess... I decided to read it nonetheless, and I can’t look away as it reveals more and more evidence. The stupidest one being we haven’t seen them together in months, well no really? He’s on tour what do you expect, not that we’re on a break or anything. After reading that first evidence, I just trash the article. Before I go to Korea Times if there is a real scandal they would have an article on it. My heart breaks as I read “What’s Up with Jung Jaehyun?” 

It reads, “It seems that the world tour is not the only thing Jaehyun is busy with.” I continue to read; “Usually you can find his lover in the second row three seats in, for the second concert. We also see them exchange a hug and kiss before he takes off before the concert. Could they be taking a break? Or is it more than that?” It’s a picture of him with a woman, who I can’t seem to place. It’s probably a new manager,... until I scroll to the next picture and my heart shatters. It seems like they were trying to hide from the public eye as they kiss behind a tree. 

That’s not-That can’t be-This isn’t happening-No, not to me. Please tell me my eyes deceive me and this is just a person faking to be Jaehyun for some publicity. Like that photo of Justin Bieber eating a burrito on a bench,... right? Wondering if that is Jaehyun kissing that woman. It is... as I keep scrolling seeing more and more pictures of the two. I chucked my phone into a stuffed animal, not being able to bear it anymore. I change into some running clothes, to burn off these frustrations and inner turmoils. I go downstairs to tell Jamie since it’s their day off that I’m going for a run and I’ll see them in an hour. They tell me to be safe and I promise I will, but at that moment it feels like a big fat lie. 

The jeans he was wearing I put cute little heart patches on the knees. I used to tease him about how his knees always get cold. I made him a solution, that settled that it was Jaehyun in those pictures. I sprint faster, my tears flying off my face at this point. The audacity that man has, I look down at my left hand to still see our wedding ring still on my hand. I take it off and put it into my pocket, it seems he still owns my heart enough for me to not get rid of him completely. Maybe someday soon, I guess we’re history, and I can’t help but collapse to my knees in the forest I grew up wandering in.

I hum a tune to a song I used to know, “Distract my brain from the terrible news.” I say as I find an old pedestal covered in moss to sit on.

--

Jaehyun's POV

Staring at the patches that (Y/n) put into my blue jeans, makes me want to cry. I should have never started seeing her. Soo-hye looks over at me and tells me she likes my jeans. What I think is a mumble, “She patched these jeans that you like” she looks at me shrugging and cuddles into my side. It seems like none of the guys can look me in the eyes anymore because of this woman curled up next to me. I don’t blame them, I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore without gagging in disgust. I push Soo-hye away from me, “I don’t wanna hug, I just want to sleep, okay?” She whines about it, and we go at it again and makes me want to just throw myself out the window afterward. 

I curl up to her, my jeans lying somewhere near the door. What made me go this far? Why didn’t I stop? I have (Y/n) at home, I’ve loved them for 12 years is that not enough for me,... I guess it isn’t. 

When I wake up, the morning light it blinds me, reminding me of (Y/n), I should just come clean to (Y/n). It would be better than running around their back right? Soo-hye’s head is tucked into my chest, this could be my real lover. I could be with (Y/n) right now, what is wrong with me. I shake my head smelling Soo-hye’s hair, it smells just like (Y/n)’s feet. It’s kind of weird to say that, but it’s so true. While (Y/n) always smells like buttercream sunsets, sometimes like a rainforest if they went out for a run. The worst smell (Y/n) ever had was on their feet, and I miss it so much. Everything about Soo-hye is just for the physical aspect, I don’t want her emotionally,... I’m using her and I feel bad for it, but it’s not as bad as how I’ve used (Y/n). They’re my everything, and here I am laying with someone I’m not emotionally attached to and having sex with them. 

Johnny, my closest friend, can’t look me in the eyes. It hurts me to my very core, I’ve got to end this. I sigh before my resolve to end it would soon be broken again as she wakes up. Her eyes look beautiful in the morning, but the stars in her eyes are dull compared to the moon’s that shine in (Y/n)’s eyes. 

I know why I started having an affair. (Y/n) was busy running their shop, it was the holiday season and I wanted to do was hold them in my arms at night. My heartfelt incredibly lonely, I had no one to satisfy my urges. Even if (Y/n) was home it was only for a few misley hours. They would be gone the next, I went on tour and they hugged and kissed me farewell. When I came back home it was Valentine’s day. Their shop was busy all week again, it’s good for business but not for our relationship. It was completely selfish for me to take up a relationship with Soo-hye. I should have never done it, I know it was wrong, but I’m so self-absorbed. I know for a fact if I looked at what was right in front of me. Was (Y/n) supporting me every step of my career and as much as I supported theirs, I just started to fall short,...

They’re probably better off without me anyway, I can’t believe this is the man I’ve become. I never thought I would cheat on them. But here I am, my arms wrapped around Soo-hye, she didn’t care that I was married. She told me I was cute and made me feel attractive again when I was beginning to think I was unlovable. Because (Y/n) certainly didn’t love me if they weren’t with me every minute, how fucking toxic I was,... I am. God, (Y/n) should divorce me, I’m not worth the heartache. I gotta figure this out because I’m not the man I used to be, and not the man I ever wanted to be. 

---

That night, my thoughts lead to an argument with Soo-hye, my biggest mistake. I’ve had enough when I blurt out my true feelings, “You know what, fuck you, you do make me hard but (Y/n) makes my knees weak!” Full of anger, I’m so tired of this situation. She raises her chin, “It seemed earlier that I made your knees weak, but whatever you say, Jaehyun. I’ll see you next week and you know it.” 

I fall to my knees as she gathers her clothes and shuts the door. I know she’s right, I know all of my members heard. The hotel rooms have thin walls, it can barely cover up the sounds of my crying into my couch cushion. I want to get better,...

I call my manager up to book me for group therapy when we get off of tour. I never thought I would be the kind of man, I grew up to hate as a kid. My mother raised me so much better... but here I am cheating on my best friend, my lover, my heart, my everything with a girl who doesn’t even matter to me. All that girl does is fuel my physical desires when I’m lonely when I’m tired of feeling. I want to get better, I can’t lead a life I never wanted to live. My fans must be disappointed in me, I can’t imagine how (Y/n) feels. They must be torn, I know the news is everywhere. I had my dream life and I became toxic and let it slip right through my fingers. I ruined my life, (Y/n)’s life and everyone in between. I’m not the man they married, I’m not Jung Jaehyun, I look in the mirror and see the shell of who I once was. I got to get better so I don’t hurt someone else, and I got to end this right. I know they’re anywhere but home. Especially after I told them I wanted a break. I should have just told them the truth. I cheated on perfection, and I’m left in this endless cycle of crying and cursing myself. Why did I have to do that? I could have just said no to Soo-hye’s validation and waited for my lover to come back home. Gotten over myself and lived the life I was living.

I hope once we divorce they can heal. They deserve someone who can treat them like royalty and nothing less than that. I wanna be anything but who I am, moss on a decaying pedestal would be better than who I am.

--

Sitting on the moss-covered pedestal, how am I going to face my friends, my godchildren, my parents, anyone. That’s why I was told not to look at the news, everyone knew and now knows. How did my life get to this point, I thought everything in my life was perfect. I guess when you glaze your eyes over the imperfections, you never notice the flaws. That there were signs our relationship was going downhill. We’ve had our ups and downs but it could not have been that bad,... 

I sigh reminiscing about the forest instead of my dark thoughts. I remember when this pedestal was placed in this forest. Forcing myself into a better mood as I think about this pedestal. I was with my friend Minghao and were walking through the forest to go home when we saw it. Yes, we did take aesthetic photos together that I still have Polaroids of in a photo album. We stood on the pedestal posing and laughing at each other. I can’t believe it’s been that many years for it to be like this. 

I guess over time things that you don’t take care of something it ends up in shambles. Whether it be with moss or unexplainable feelings. If I would have just taken care of the relationship with Jaehyun so it would be as strong as it was when we first married. I can’t claim him as my husband, he’s not the man I married. I’m probably not the same person I was when we married. But we matured a lot, sometimes you gotta hurt before you learn to heal. I still would like to talk to him about it, and finalize it. I’m not going to waste my breath on someone who no longer loves me. If he no longer loves me then I’ll move on. I’ll start over again, and maybe live my forever with someone who I care about. 

--

Therapy is hell, it’s not my friend, but definitely my confinement. Jaehyun and I go to separate group therapy, sometimes I go to one-on-one’s depending on how I feel. It’s been a few months since we’ve divorced. Mingyu and Jamie were behind me every step of the way, my family joining in and helping me deal with the pain. I might miss him sometimes but does not mean I need him to function.

We talk occasionally, but more as people that know everything about you, but nothing at the same time. They know things about you wish you could erase, but they no longer know who you are now. Time heals all wounds, and therapy definitely helps, I’m better now, it tore me up for months. I didn’t dare talk to Jaehyun. It was about six months after the scandal, the reality, the truth came out. Before I was ready to deal with Jung Jaehyun, I moved into a new apartment. Rebuilding myself up from the bottom up, with a little help, a lot of help from my friends. I was me again, or the me I needed to be. 

When I face Jaehyun it was on mutual terms, we agreed to end it after talking everything out. It was a long process of divorce, even though no longer happy with each other. We helped each other through every step of the way, crying on each other’s shoulders for hours. Because we never wanted to be like this. But here we were, and I know we’re happier now that we are no longer together. 

--

It’s been a few years now, Jaehyun and I are still friends but that’s as far as it goes. I’ve found someone who I love with my whole heart, and they love me too. I spend hours on the phone with them, they have kids, and we care for them together. It’s the family I always wanted, Jaehyun has just recently entered the dating world again. I’m very proud of him, we’ve both come such a long way after everything. It’s never too late to start again, and we’ve become the kind of people our 4th grader selves would be proud of. 

My shop is flourishing and Jeonghan runs the building. He is hopelessly in love with a guy who comes into the shop every day. The triplets are 1st graders now, Mingyu and Jamie are still in love, and going strong. Minghao is having kids and Johnny has started his solo career in Chicago and is making bank. We’re all happy, and that’s all of ever wanted to be, yeah it’s taken a long time to get there. I’m happy to be happy again, so if you get to the point where you find someone who loves you like how you love them. Keep them in your life, cherish them, don’t let them slip through your fingers. 

Just because you have been with someone for a long time, whether you lost your virginity with them. Were high school sweethearts, or were just there for each other in the tough times. It does not mean you have to be with them forever. Not all relationships are meant to last, it’s okay to leave someone who you devoted a portion of your life too. Even if what your partner has done is not horribly wrong, you are allowed to walk away. It happens, no matter how long you are with them, you are allowed to leave them. Even if you’re married, you can divorce and move onto someone better. That treats you right, like the royal you are, never accept anything less. This goes for you too, you better treat your significant other like royalty unless they screw you over. Remember three strikes they’re out, and if they mess up royally once, it’s over.

[adenei]

The Mixtape Mishap - Chapter 2

Christmas at the Burrow

Ginny woke up Christmas morning to a pile of gifts at the foot of her bed. She immediately began opening them. When she opened the gift from Hermione, she saw Hermione’s note saying she’d be there for New Years. “Yes!” Ginny said out loud. She examined the muggle music player and CD thingies that Hermione had given her. She’d have to ask Harry for help setting it up, and keep it away from her dad who would no doubt have a field day with it. 

Ginny was chuckling at the thought when she noticed the envelope she was meant to give Harry. She felt another envelope slip under the one for Harry. “Hmm..’RW Bad Blood’. She didn’t mention anything for Ron, but this must be for him..” Ginny shrugged and carried the two envelopes downstairs with her. Her mum was busy making breakfast.

“Good morning, dear!” she said cheerily. “Happy Christmas!”

“Happy Christmas, Mum! Thank you for my gifts! Is no one else up yet?”Ginny asked.

“Just waiting on Ron and Harry. Breakfast is almost ready, so I’ll have you go up and get them if they aren’t down by then.” Ginny nodded as she went about helping to set the table. “Ginny, did Hermione ever tell you if she’s coming for New Years?” Mrs. Weasley asked.

“Yes! She’ll arrive on New Year's Eve via floo. Remember, Mum, we can’t tell Harry or Ron if she does come. She and Ron aren’t on good terms..” Ginny reminded her.

“Is it because of that girl he’s seeing?” Mrs. Weasley asked seriously. “I really always thought..oh, nevermind, he’ll come to his senses eventually.” 

“One can only hope,” Ginny muttered under her breath.

“What’s that there?” Mrs. Weasley asked, noticing the envelopes Ginny had set down.

“Oh, they’re for Harry and Ron,” Ginny said. “Want me to go get them?”

“Yes, I think it’s about time. Thank you, dear,” Mrs. Weasley said.

Ginny grabbed the envelopes and brought them upstairs. When she got to the top landing she knocked on Ron’s door. “Breakfast is almost ready! Are you lot up yet? I have something for you,” Ginny called from outside the door. She could hear Harry laughing hysterically about something.

“Er, yeah, come in,” she heard Ron call.

Ginny opened the door to find Harry holding a box of maggots and Ron’s face redder than normal. “I’m not even going to ask,” she said as she rolled her eyes.

Harry nodded towards the box he’d just closed and said, “Kreacher,” as Ginny nodded in understanding. “Ron got the best gift from Lav Lav,” he said as he fell into a fit of laughter again.

“Oi! Sod off!” Ron said. “What do you want, Gin?” 

Ginny handed Harry and Ron the envelopes. “These ended up in my gift,” Ginny said.

“A CD?” said Harry. “How are we supposed to listen to these?”

“Hermione got me a walk-thingie to play them on. You’ll be able to help me figure it out, right Harry? She knows I like wizard rock so she got me some muggle rock music to listen to. I’m sure it’ll be great once I figure out how to use it.”

“Sure! I’ve used Dudley’s old ones before, so it shouldn’t be too hard. Her note says the music on mine is the same stuff you have, just not as much.” Harry was skimming her note.

Ron had been silent the whole time, staring at his envelope. “Are you sure this is for me?” 

Ginny shrugged, “It has your initials on it, so I assumed it was for you. If we get the music player working, you can use it to listen later if you want. We should probably get downstairs before Mum comes for us.”

* * *

That evening, Ron walked upstairs to his room while Harry and Ginny were figuring out Ginny’s gift from Hermione. He figured now would be a good time to examine his envelope from Hermione in private. She hadn’t spoken to him in weeks, so he wasn’t expecting anything from her. He was surprised that Ginny had handed him the envelope.

 Life was weird without her. Sure, snogging Lavender was fun, but after a couple of weeks, it was starting to feel more like a hassle spending time with her. Lavender just didn’t get that he needed to get his work done. He needed space, but she wanted to spend every waking moment with Ron. And now, with that horrid gift, Ron was realizing he barely knew anything about Lavender at all, or vice versa. What was worse, is that he wasn’t sure he wanted to learn more about her. He found himself missing Hermione more and more, but didn’t know how to make amends with her. 

Ron knew he’d agreed to go to that party with Hermione, but then the row with Ginny happened, and the jealousy resurfaced over Krum, and things slipped out of control from there. Fast forward to now, where he was in some sort of relationship with Lavender that he was starting to second guess. 

He opened the envelope and saw the piece of paper inside along with the, what’d Harry call it? A BD? Ron took out the paper, but left the disc until he could listen to it. He still wasn’t sure how you ‘listened’ to that. It made no sense to him. He unfolded the paper and read the top: ‘Attempt #36 to get over him’. What? Why would she send me this? Ron asked himself. Get over me? No, there’s no way Hermione actually fancies me. That would be too good to be true. He continued reading the paper that had her handwriting. 

The words kept jumping out at him and the theme was clear, even if the numbers and the underlines didn’t make sense. With the paper in hand, he bolted down the stairs. He needed to hear what the rest of those songs said. Now.

He entered the living area where Harry and Ginny were still listening. Ginny looked up and saw the look on his face and paused the device. “Everything okay, Ron?” Harry looked at him, too.

“Er, yeah. Listen, can I use the music thing? I really need to hear what’s on the BD.”

“CD?” Harry corrected.

“Ron, we’re listening right now, can it wait?” Ginny asked.

“Please, Gin? There’s only-” he looked down at the paper in his hand, “nine songs, I think. I promise you can have it right back. I just- I need to figure out what this means,” Ron gestured to the paper.

Harry and Ginny shared a look. “Um, I guess so. Did you leave the CD upstairs?”

“Yeah…” Ron answered.

“Alright, I’ll come with you and show you.”

When they got to his room, Ginny noticed the paper again. “What’d she write on that? Harry and I didn’t get anything like that.”

“I don’t know, that’s why I want to hear the music. It makes no sense.”

“Can I see it?” Ginny asked.

“Er, I guess” Ron said as he handed it to her.

As Ginny read through it, she felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. There was no way Hermione meant for this to be seen. Oh no, oh no, oh no… she thought. It’s too late now, I have to help him. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll come to his senses and do something about it, and then Hermione won’t kill me. I’ll just play dumb. Yes, that’ll work, right?

“So?” Ron interrupted her thoughts. “What do you think?”

“Well, I think you’re right about the numbers. That’s how many songs - see the 9 on the screen here? I’d guess the underlined words are the titles of the songs, and the quotes must be lyrics.”

“Right, thanks.” Ron said as Ginny walked him through the buttons. He really just had to press play. “I’ll bring this right back to you once I’m done, promise.”

Ginny got up to leave. She stopped when she got to the door and turned around. “Ron? Please don’t make this worse, okay?” She left before he could respond.

Ron began listening to each of the songs. The first few were sung by a male and the rest by a woman. It was clear in every song that the singer was singing about someone else that it sounded like they were in a relationship with. Or was, he wasn’t quite sure. It was becoming clear to him though, that the words Hermione had written had to do with how she felt. 

The gates had broken to the feelings he’d been trying to suppress for her, and he knew there was no hiding them anymore. He had to end things with Lavender. He couldn’t keep lying to himself, or to her. Ron brought the music player back downstairs and returned to his room. He pulled out parchment, and began writing a letter at his desk.

Lavender,

I hope you had a happy Christmas. Listen, I’m really sorry to be doing this now of all times, but I don’t think this is working out. I don’t want to lie to myself, or to you. The past few weeks have been fun, but I haven’t been interested for the right reasons. I’m sorry if I led you on. I’m also sending back the gift you got me, as I really don’t deserve it, especially now. I hope we can still be friends. 

Ron

Ron read and re-read the letter. He’d never broken up with a girl before. He knew doing it through a letter was shitty, but he didn’t want to wait until he got back to school. He had to focus on making up with Hermione, and he couldn’t do that while Lavender was still in the picture. Ron repackaged the necklace Lavender had gotten him. He handed the letter and package to Pig. 

“Bring this straight to Lavender Brown, okay? I’ll give you extra owl treats when you get back.” He watched Pig fly out into the night. Hope she doesn’t send me a howler, Ron thought, as he flopped back down on his bed, rereading the paper from Hermione.

[theydontknowaboutusimagines]

Someone Special - Harry Styles Christmas Series (Part 6)

Part 5

Week of Jingle Bell Ball 

Harry was on his way to the airport to pick you up. You were flying in to London to perform at the Jingle Bell Ball on Friday. Luckily, you decided to arrive a few days prior which meant you and Harry could spend some time together. Over the last few weeks since the talk at his house in Malibu, the two of you had really become quit friendly. 

It was weird to think you two had only known each other for only a few weeks. After chatting over the last few weeks, Harry was more than ready to have you in London to help with your Christmas Bucket List. He got little hints of what you wanted to do and looked for different things to do in London. Harry also offered for you to stay over at his place in the guest room instead of a hotel. 

At first, you were a little taken aback by it, but he said he always had his friends stay over, so then you thought why not. And that brought him to sitting outside of the airport waiting for you to arrive. Harry found himself feeling nervous at your arrival. He had no clue why. His stomach felt iffy and his palms were leaving streaks of sweat on the steering wheel. 

He mumbled the lyrics to the Christmas song playing on the radio as he looked at his phone. Your plane should be landed right now, so it would be at least a good ten to twenty, maybe half hour before you’d get through customs and getting your bags. To sort of get his emotions in check, he put his head back and decided to take a little cat nap. 

About forty five minutes later, Harry jumped up when he heard someone knocking on his window. He looked over seeing you standing there with your bags. 

“Shit,” he said quickly getting out. “Let me get those.” 

“You alright?” You laughed. 

“Yes,” he laughed. “I’m great, just resting my eyes.” 

“I see that,” you said. “Just like I see the drool on your chin.” 

He blushed bringing his hand to his chin and wiping it away. He took your bags putting them in the back of the car, while you got in on the passenger side. 

“How was your flight?” Harry asked getting back in and pulling his seatbelt on. 

“Long,” you groaned. “I’m ready to shower and like walk a marathon because I’ve been sitting too fucking long.” 

He laughed, “Well, you can do just that. I’ve got some takeaway being delivered to the house and then we can do whatever you want after. I’ve got a few ideas, but I didn’t know how you would feel after being on the plane.” 

“Ask me after I’ve had a shower and food in my belly,” you laughed. 

He nodded and started driving. 

“Are you sure it’s okay for me to stay with you?” you asked. 

“Yes, of course,” he said. “I wouldn’t have offered it wasn’t.” 

“I know, I know, but I just don’t want to feel like I’m invaded your space,” you said. 

“Well, you’re not,” he said. “I promise.” 

“Good to know,” you said. “Although, if I end up doing just that, let me know.” 

“You’re only here for a few days, I’m pretty sure I can handle it,” he laughed.

“I guess, we’ll just see about that,” you giggled. 

**

After you made it to his house, he brought your things inside and into the guest room. He showed you around and then left to give your privacy to get showered and changed. You were nervous on the way here, wondering what it would be like seeing him again and staying with him, but now that you were there, it was like your nerves had gone away. 

You would admit that it did feel a little weird staying there. Even though you both discussed what happened in New York or technically what didn’t happen, you still had only known him for a short while and you were already staying at his house. When you got out of the shower, you dried off and grabbed some clothes to change into. 

You decided on some jeans and a big comfy sweater in case you two decided to go out after, since it was still quite early in the afternoon. Yes, it was almost nighttime, but still early enough to call it a night. You dried your hair a little bit before heading down to meet Harry in the kitchen. 

“This smells amazing,” you said sitting down across from him at the table. 

“It’s from my favorite pub right down the street,” he said. 

“Now, did you discover it after you moved in, or did you move in specifically for the pub?” you joked. 

“Oh, the latter without a doubt,” he joked. 

“You know, joke or not, I can actually see that,” you giggled. 

He laughed taking a bite of his food before looking back over at you, “So, how are ya feeling? Shall we call it a night in or are you ready to be adventurous?” 

“I’m ready to see what you’ve got planned,” you smirked. 

“Alright then,” he nodded. “I’ve got the perfect thing to do on our first night, then. After dinner, we can head out, just make sure you dress warm.” 

“I take it we’ll be outside?” You asked. 

“Mostly, yes,” he nodded. “Is that alright?” 

“It’s perfect,” you smiled. 

About an hour later, you and Harry arrived at Hyde Park for the Winter Wonderland. As soon as you saw it, you let out a gasp with a smile. 

“Holy shit,” you said. “This is-Wow.” 

“I figured you might like it,” he said turning the car off before you both got out. 

“I think I might love it,” you smiled. “Thank you... for you know wanting to do this.” 

“Hey, as your friend it’s my job to make sure you fulfill your wish of making this a great Christmas, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do,” he smiled. 

**

As you walked through the Winter Wonderland, you were overwhelmed with everything it had. 

“So, what do you want to do first?” Harry asked. 

“No fucking clue,” you laughed. “There’s too much to choose from.” 

“Yeah, there’s a lot,” he said. “But we can always come back if we run out of time,” he joked. 

“Um, let’s try ice skating first,” you smiled. “Because that was actually on my list.” 

“Try? Have you ever ice skated before?” He asked. 

“Um... not really,” you laughed. “I mean, maybe once when I was younger, but I don’t really remember it and I’m pretty sure I had one of those bar things to hold on to.” 

“Weeellll, lucky for you I’m practically a professional,” he smirked. 

“I saw the Night Changes video and I beg to differ,” you joked. 

“I’m never going to fucking live that down,” he laughed. “And it was part of the video! I’m not that terrible.” 

“I guess we’ll just have to see about that,” you said. 

You both got a pair of skates to change into before heading out on the ice. Harry held your hand and your arm as he guided you out. 

“Okay, so just move your feet one at a time, but in like a rhythm,” he said. 

“Very technical terminology there, Styles,” you laughed trying to do as he said. 

“Hey, I know what I’m talking about,” he smirked. 

You rolled your eyes as you moved your feet slowly. Harry was guiding you and him over the ice. For the most part you were gettin the hang of it, but just when you started to get a bit more confident about it, is when you lost your balance and fell right on your ass, bringing Harry down with you. 

You laughed both because you couldn’t believe it happened, you were slightly embarrassed and the fact that cheesy Christmas music was blaring in the background made it feel like a scene from a movie. You looked up and Harry’s face was inches for yours. You both were staring at each other as you laughed. 

“You alright?” He laughed. 

“Physically I’m fine, emotionally I’m bruised... and actually my ass is probably bruised as well,” you laughed. 

“Are you really using my own quote against me?” He laughed. 

“Yah, I am,” you giggled. 

He rolled his eyes with a laugh before getting up to his feet and helping you up to your feet. 

“Shall we go again?” He asked. 

You were currently brushing ice from your butt as you looked over at him, “Yeah, I think it’s better if we call it a night on this whole ice skating thing,” you laughed. 

“Good call,” he laughed. 

You both skated slowly over to the door to get off the ice. 

“I don’t think I’m ever going to put these on again,” you laughed. 

“So, Ice Skating won’t be on your Christmas List anymore?” He smirked. 

“Never again,” you giggled. 

When you both were changed back into your own shoes and the ice skates returned, you two decided on getting some hot chocolate to warm up before walking through the lights and ice sculptures sections. 

“Extra cinnamon for the lovely lady,” Harry smiled handing you yours. “And a tiny pinch for me.” 

You smirked, “I’m still waiting on my thank you for introducing you to the best drink combination ever.” 

“Yeah, you’re not getting it,” he laughed. “I’m still not completely sold on it.” 

“Keep lying to yourself,” you said. 

“You fucking wish!” He said. 

You giggled taking a sip of your drink as the two of you walked through. You smiled at all the lights and sculptures, making sure to snap photos of everything and also of you and Harry together. You were having the best time and you hadn’t really noticed that the two of you were gradually walking closer together until you felt your hands touching. You both blushed a little, not really looking at the other as you took a small step away. 

You two were just friends, nothing more, you both had agreed on that. Yet, couldn’t help, but wonder what it would be like if you were a little bit more than friends. You quickly shook that thought from your mind though because it shouldn’t be there to begin with him. Harry made it very clear he didn’t have any feelings for you, and there was no way you had feelings for him. 

It was getting close to closing at the Winter Wonderland, so you two were about to head back to the car. You had played some games and each one two hug stuffed animals for the other. One of them was actually taller than you, so that was a bit of a struggle. Harry laughed taking it from you and carried himself. 

When you got to the car, you put them in the back and got inside. 

“Did you have fun?” Harry asked as he drove back to his house. 

“So much,” you smiled. “I’d loved every second of it, except maybe falling on my ass.” 

He laughed, “Yeah, that was a little painful.” 

The drive back to Harry’s house didn’t seem to take very long. You both got out, carrying the massive stuffed animals back into the house. Harry laid them on the couch in the living room before going into the kitchen. 

“Want some tea?” He asked. 

“Sure,” you nodded taking off your layers of clothing. “God, I can finally feel my toes now.” 

“Yeah, my body is thawing out now,” he joked. 

You put your coat and scarf onto the coat rack before joining him in the kitchen. 

“I really did have a great time tonight,” you said. “I can’t thank you enough.” 

“Well, you already have,” he said walking over to you after putting the kettle on. “I know it’s still pretty early in the Christmas season, but how would you rate it compared to last year?” 

“Oh, it’s already ten times better,” you laughed. “So, I guess it’s safe to say it can only go up from here.” 

“I’m happy to hear that,” he said. “You deserve to have good memories and to be happy. I mean, you are happy right?” 

“I’m very happy,” you smiled. “What about you?” 

“I am,” he nodded leaning up against the counter next to you. 

You looked over at him, smiling, as he stared at you. There it was again, the same feeling you had felt on the dance floor back in New York. An energetic pull  between the two of you closing the distance. Your gaze dropped to his lips as his dropped to yours and back to your eyes. Neither of you spoke a word, you just let your instincts take over, your lips were almost touching with the sound of the kettle filled the room. 

“Blood hell,” Harry mumbled pulling away from you to turn it off. 

He sighed, not looking at you, “I’m sorry-” he whispered. 

“Don’t.” you whispered. “Don’t be.” 

You walked over to him taking his hand in yours, so that he would turn to face you. You closed the remaining distance between you two once more. He brought his hands up to your cheeks as he looked into your eyes, almost as if he was silently asking for permission. As soon as you gave a slight nod, there was no hesitation for him pressing his lips against yours. 

**

WELP! There it is! They’ve kissed. What’s gonna happen now! 

[creativenicocorner]

behind the scenes time: 1.) what's your favorite scene (terpsichore and/or otherwise) you've published so far? 2.) ever think of rewriting any scenes/fics from an alternate pov? 3.) top 3 favorite fanfic tropes? :v

Director’s Cut Questions

Oh boy you’re hitting me with some hardballs!! Hell yeah! Hehe

1)  Oh GEEZE dskjkdsj this is a hard question XP I..uh…dang, there have been so so many that I enjoyed writing! I can't be decisive to save my life at times XP

I’m quite proud of the xxx scene from ch10 in Terpsichore, and also the entirety of ch3 in Alto Mare, oof and that moment in Of Names & Ebb where the narrative kind of flips.

But man oh man…I think, I think despite all of that, and all the newer things I’ve written, a scene that always has a soft fondness in my heart is Ch3 in Terpsichore, the Aquarius section, where Barbara and Walter have their picnic date, and they get very drunk and sing and dance:

It was upon finishing their first bottle, their meal more than finished, and Arcadia glowing in the valley like a collection of lightning bugs with hues of pale yellows and reds, that Barbara got up and managed to walk a straight line to the car. Walter watched her saunter while collecting some of the trash, a hum in his throat when he heard the car start for a moment.

He thought the worst, and quickly turned around to see Barbara sitting in the driver’s seat- door open. Collecting himself, Walter walked over and leaned on the roof of the car, looking down at his rosy cheeked companion who was slowly cranking up the dial.

“Walt…” she looked up grinning, the intro to a song playing with chimes and languid guitars, a tasty bass line starting, “..Walt.” she repeated.

“Yes?”

“Quick - ask me what my sign is.”

A low laugh escaped in the form of uneven exhales through his nose.

“Quick!” she said in earnest, racing against the started song. Those deep blue eyes wide.

He humored her and leaned lower, “What’s your sign, Barbara?”

She shot her hand out in response, and waited for him to take it - she didn’t have to wait long, and let the lyrics of ‘Aquarius’ answer for her, mouthing along. 

It’s one of the first scenes I was really profoundly proud of and enjoyed writing. I’m not the biggest fan of my earlier chapters, and I often think of rewriting some of them, but this? Aaah Walter asked and then saying “What’s your sign?” and Barbara answering by mouthing the lyrics to Aquarius as they start to dance together??? Sparks a lot of joy in me.

[Sigh] if only I knew how to animate, the soft tenderness I would have arted of this, I often think of drawing a comic of this moment…but it never seems to come out right. 

However Barbara pushing Walter out of a window in ch8 is a VERY close second. 

Oh god, and in 3rd would be ch7 with the changeling party that happens in the Anything Goes section. Otto searching for Walter, the chaos of the party, and Walter quoting the Great Gatsby fgjkfdjgs All this to say, that couch moment between Otto and Walter is gah so tender to me. 

Ch14 Julia wasn’t so bad either, dang! It’s really hard to choose >~<’’’’

2) Eeeeeh not 100%

I like the freedom of writing as an omniscient narrator so that if I want to change pov or view into someone else’s storyline I could just, do that. Or, erm, maybe it’s less omniscient and more of a messy fondue pot of perspective. 

I like the ability to give descriptions about characters that even the characters themselves might or might not know. While simultaneously playfully scrutinizing the characters along the way. Even give details other characters wouldn’t know about, because what is important to me is that the reader knows about it, hopefully adding a heavier weight to a potentially juicy moment, maybe even an extra layer of situational irony. Or sometimes, even choosing to withhold information/character reactions to things…sometimes that can be just as powerful, I think.

It doesn’t matter who’s perspective is being followed (kind of) as long as the scene / moment works(™) and can deliver the emotional and atmospheric weight I’m gunning for. Why get stuck on one perspective when you can use all the perspectives you want or need to your disposal (in hopefully a coherent way) to get the story across? And again, that sweet sweet situational irony/poking at the characters. 

Goodness I hope I’m explaining myself alright. 

Whether I’m successful at it or not, while not making it too confusing, is another thing. It probably makes me out as a bit of pretentious writer, or absolutely confusing…I’m not sure. 

One of my biggest fears is whether or not any of my writing makes sense to begin with, and yet I have the most fun choosing such a confusing approach to things XP

Idk, I need to think about pov more, and stop being a baby and better learn writing rules I suppose, there’s always room for improvement…and I’m no professional…my best is the only thing I can do, and along the way I can only hope it makes any sense. Honestly it’s a miracle to me anyone can make sense of anything I write haha. 

Sorry for the tangent, I might have spilled too many of my guts answering that, and a bit of self doubt seeped through along the way.

That aside, it would be neat to revisit We’ll Meet Again from a more Barbara focused angle. Looking through the world 9 times at a Stricklander from 9 points in his life and reading about all the different ways she dies (Also a fun add on: the reason I chose 9 moments is because cats are said to have 9 lives >;3c  )

3) Found Freaking Family babieeee! (Friends to lovers is in this category, sorry I don’t make the Nico rules hehe and totally not a cop out to sneak a 4th trope)

Begrudging father figure and snarky ward 

Assholes with a heart of gold

[starstruck-xavier]

Heard You Say, Not Today (Heard Your Voice, There's No Choice) - Logicality

-- TW for a suicide attempt (described in the past, not too detailed) --

words: 1862 ships: logicality summary: Logan and Patton suffer from the same thing for different reasons. When one of them has a bad day, the other helps them through it. other: inspired by the song Not Today by Twenty One Pilots! i was listening to the song n got this idea gfhdfhd i might also write a fic alongside this one and i’ll link between the two if i do. enjoy the fic and stay safe <3

ao3 || wattpad || fanfic masterpost || main masterpost

Logan can tell, the second he wakes up to the feeling of his boyfriend curled up next to him, the sight of sunbeams streaming through the crack in the curtains and the sound of beautiful song birds, that he’s not going to be able to do much at all today. Despite all these wonderful things to wake up to, he can’t help but feel the figurative weight on his heart pressing down and the feeling of something vaguely bad-feeling filling his entire body. The depression is illogical, he tells himself. He’s physically able to wake up, be productive and take good care of himself, but there’s invisible shackles keeping him in place.

As he listens to his internal monologue miserably, Patton slowly starts to blink awake next to him, giving him a sleepy smile.

"Morning, Lo.” He greets him tiredly and reaches out one arm to rest across Logan’s abdomen. He looks so ethereal, he may as well have a glowing halo over his head, highlighting the faded blue in his hair and the constellations of summer freckles on his nose. Logan focusses on these things, tries to feel anything positive.

"Good morning, darling.” His voice comes out affectionately but weary, like he’s been awake for days, even though he’s only been awake for a couple of minutes. Patton seems to notice this; he shuffles to prop himself up on one elbow and leans over Logan, pressing their lips together. The kiss is gentle, like Patton’s handling something fragile, and Logan attempts once again to feel a spark of affection, but the feeling is subdued, muffled by the static in his head.

After a few seconds, Patton pulls back and sits up fully, still gazing at him through beautifully hazel eyes, his vision obviously obscured by the lack of glasses. "Are you okay?” He asks softly. That soft voice. Logan can never get enough of the way words just breeze past his lips, wistful, excitable but sensible when he needs to be. There’s a moment of silence between the two as Logan registers the question and thinks, wondering if he should say yes or be honest, until at last he shakes his head slowly, almost afraid to admit it. Patton frowns, but then simply wraps his arms around Logan’s waist and snuggles back up to him. "That’s okay. It’s okay.” He whispers.

They remain like that for some time as the post-sleep drowsiness begins to leave them. Eventually the two of them shift so that Patton’s laying on top of Logan, his nose brushing against his cheek, providing some external warmth to counter the drained feeling in Logan’s insides. It’s working just a little. Patton can help him. He’ll feel okay, eventually. He hopes.

"You’re not motivated to do anything today?” The soft words are heard again, closer this time as Patton murmurs against Logan’s skin.

The long answer is that he wants to be motivated, he wants to spend today getting work done and then watching movies and kissing Patton senseless like he does on most days, but he can’t bring himself to feel as excited about it as he wants. However, saying all of that seems like too much of an effort for his brain, so he settles for, "Not today.”

The words seem to elicit a small, strangely excited gasp from Patton as he sits up yet again. "Hey, you’re quoting one of our favourite songs! Y’know how it goes?” He shuffles off of a confused-looking Logan and out of their bed, walking over to the curtains. "Heard you say, ‘not today’, tore the curtains down, windows open, now make a sound.” As he sings the line, he throws the curtains open to allow in the stream of natural sunlight and fresh air from the slightly parted window. He turns to look at Logan with a smile as bright as said sunlight.

Maybe he will manage to get out of his depressed state, just for a while.

Logan sits up to lean his back against the headrest with the subtlest smile on his face at Patton’s antics. "There’s many songs we know called ‘Not Today’, including the one by Alessia Cara and the one by BTS, but the lyrics to that one make sense right now. I appreciate the sentiment.”

Patton giggles airily. "Anything to make you feel better. Hey, what do you always say about the benefits of natural sunlight?”

"That it contains vitamin D which promotes a better sense of wellbeing and strengthens the bones?” Logan blinks, confused, but then connects the dots. A better sense of wellbeing.

"Yeah, that’s right!” Sitting on the bed again, Patton places his hand over Logan’s. “We don’t have to go outside, but let’s try to do something to feel better today, alright? Even if it doesn’t entirely work, it's an effort made that you should be proud of.”

The spark of affection returns, a little stronger this time. "Yes.” Logan locks eyes with Patton. "That would be ideal.”

It only takes a second for Patton to initiate another kiss, sweet and citrusy, smiling against Logan’s lips.

As much as Logan would tell himself when he’s feeling down that the depression is illogical, he’d never apply that logic to someone else, making him somewhat contradictory. Although, he’s acknowledged that his thoughts can become cloudy when he’s in a bout of depression; when he manages to bring himself out of it he can confidently say that his mental health issues are not without reason. It may not be how he grew up, or due to some traumatic incident, it’s just an imbalance of chemicals in his brain. Eventually he’ll be able to get medication for it, Patton always reassures him. Just a few more doctors visits and he’ll have a prescription.

It’s certainly better than it used to be. Occasionally, Logan will look back on his college days and inevitably remember the night he felt he couldn’t do anything right and he wanted to escape all the deadlines, willing away his would-be-last moments looking a mess in the bathtub, water stained slightly pink, before Virgil’s hysterical screaming alerted Patton and Roman. Patton stayed with him that night, tending to his injuries, letting him cry into his shirt. The slashes weren’t actually deep enough to warrant much medical attention - perhaps Logan really was too scared to leave life here - but it looked bad enough to poor Virgil that it took everybody at least a few days to recover from the huge scare. Roman’s singing was just a little softer when he was around him, constantly offering him comfort whenever Virgil was at a class and couldn’t cuddle. A few times after that week, Virgil would either hide away in his room or clamber into Logan’s lap while he was reading and they’d stay that way for hours. Patton, meanwhile, gave gentle hugs and kisses, regularly checked under his bandages, did mental checkups on him.

Logan will always feel bittersweet when he remembers what Patton did for him. While his boyfriend was dealing with depression beforehand, he can’t help but wonder if that night made things even worse for him, which is why Logan will always do what he can whenever Patton has his bad days.

He starts by noticing the subtle tell-tale signs as they make their way through the morning together. Patton’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, his laugh has too much of a forced exhalation in it, he doesn’t kiss with the same excitability that he always exhibits. The signs are less subtle, or perhaps Logan isn’t as quick to notice them as Patton is, because it’s usually around mid-morning when Logan gently confronts the issue.

"Are you okay, love?” He secures his arms around Patton’s waist and rests his chin on the top of his head when he catches him looking distracted, zoned out. Patton blinks back into reality with a questioning hum, then sighs and melts into the touch.

“I'm not feeling great.” He says softly. That’s a start, but as soon as he says it the smiles leave him completely; Logan can only guess that that’s him finally letting the raw depression show after admitting that it’s there.

Deciding to take a more therapy-based approach, Logan walks over to the couch with Patton and lets him sit in his lap. "Do you know what could be causing it?”

Patton takes one of Logan’s hands and holds it in both of his. "Just thinking about family stuff.” His voice comes out quiet, like he’s afraid to say it, as if someone’s going to burst through the door as soon as he says it and shout at him for it. Logan understands very quickly why Patton would say it that way, and runs his hands up and down his back comfortingly.

"And how they rejected you?” He pries gently.

"Yeah.” Patton sounds dejected, heartbreakingly so. "I can’t take my mind off it.”

Something that Logan wasn’t expecting to come out of therapy for him was that his therapist asks a lot of questions. He’ll ask Logan why he thinks he’s feeling down, and then as Logan starts to answer, he basically discovers the issue which was previously unbeknownst to him. A therapist doesn’t directly fix his problems, rather, a therapist helps him to fix his own problems. This is how he learns to ask Patton a lot of questions as well as giving him advice, because perhaps he’ll help Patton come to a conclusion one day and begin to feel better. So, he posits another question. “Why?”

It’s so simple, yet Patton takes several seconds to dwell on it. "I don’t know. Sometimes I can just never not think about it. There’s no choice.” The reference seems to go unrealised by Patton, which causes him to look confused when Logan brushes his hair out of his eyes with a fond smile.

"Heard your voice, ‘there’s no choice’,” Logan’s less confident with his singing abilities, but still sings the line to jog Patton’s memory of what he sang just a week ago. "Tore the curtains down, windows open, now make a noise.”

The noise Patton makes is a small laugh that has Logan’s heart racing. He sees that smile return and it’s there in his eyes, even if it’s only short-lived. "You got me there, Lo.” And while Patton’s depression isn’t immediately dissipated, he’s beginning to return to his usual self. Logan can’t help the grin that overtakes his features as he kisses Patton softly on the lips. His hands move to cup his face while Patton circles his arms around his shoulders and the kiss deepens, with Logan tilting his head for a better angle. The two of them would stay like that forever if the need for oxygen wasn’t there to pull them apart.

"Sometimes a distraction can take your mind off of things you don’t want to confront just yet.” Logan gazes lovingly into those hazel eyes and mentally traces the constellations into the summer freckles on his nose. “Want to try some externalisation today?”

Patton leans in again to press a kiss to the tip of Logan’s nose.

“What did I do to deserve you, Logan?”

[photolover82]

The Masked Singer Season 4 Episode 5: Last but not Least, let's (finally) meet Group C! (Commentary and Guesses)

Hey fellow Masked Singer fans! Welcome or welcome back to Ana’s Masked Singer recap, where I, Ana, recap every episode of the Masked Singer. I am so happy to be back after a short break after the World Series (thank God for the Dodgers). If you don’t know how these recaps go, first of all hi, feel free to follow me if you want to see more of these. Anyways, so how these work is that I first talk about who gets eliminated, give my thoughts, and then give my guesses and commentary for the remaining contestants and their performances. I also try to back up my guesses as much as I can by using the clues... even though I guide myself with the voice of the individual contestant. Anyways, having said that, let’s jump into it:

Warning ⚠️: If you haven’t watched the show yet, there are spoilers below, so read at your own risk.. this is your official spoiler alert warning. Don’t say I didn’t warn you...

With this episode, we met our last group of contestants, Group C, which consists of 5 masked characters, Squiggly Monster, Mushroom, Jellyfish, Lips, and Broccoli. Overall, to me, they are the weakest group vocal wise, but they were still fun to watch.

Alright, so let’s talk about the eliminated contestant, who was...

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*

Lips 💋

Performance: Alright, so she sang “Native New Yorker,” by Odessy.... and I really try to be as kind and constructive as I can with these recaps especially when critiquing their performances because being rude really doesn’t solve anything and I want you guys to understand why I don’t like a performance if I dislike a performance (so we can start an open dialogue you get me?) ... but I am so sorry, this lady can’t sing like at all. Oh and I knew exactly who she was (haha insert Ken’s voice into that phrase lol) the moment she opened her mouth. The thing is she is talking and she messed up in the middle by laughing/snorting in the performance, it was kind of hilarious not gonna lie... it made me laugh, which I guess is a good thing, but like yeah it’s kind of obvious why she left first, because she (I mean no offense to this.. well maybe I do because I am not a fan of the person under this mask like at all since she ain’t kind and civil like at all) blew it, like it kinda felt like she messed up on purpose or that she is actually horrible at singing, which is ok because she isn’t supposed to be a professional singer and that’s fine. All that to say Lips made me laugh and I appreciate it but I am kind of glad she was the first one to go....

Anyways, she was revealed to be (to no surprise of my own) controversial talk show host...

Wendy Williams

Whoop whoop, I got it right (as did like everyone who knows who she is because her voice is that distinct... oh and also she spoke during the song so it was kind of obvious, but I am still claiming my victory: Gotten 3/5 correct so far and I am proud of that number)! Anyways here are the clues that pointed to her:

Shock= she says very shocking things on her show and is a pretty polarizing figure, you either love her or hate her (I am not fond of her myself but whatever I guess)

“Speak my truth”= she’s known for stating her mind and is unfiltered with her thoughts on things

West Wing= her initials WW

Fire= Hot Takes is a segment on her show and also a reference to her book Wendy’s Got The Heat

Alright, now that we have finished with her, let’s talk about our remaining 4 masked contestants:

1. Squiggly Monster 👾

Performance: I really liked his performance of Have You Ever Seen the Rain by Creedence Clearwater Revival. He did super well, like I really liked it, I had low expectations because of the costume (it’s kind of creepy looking ngl) but I was pleasantly surprised. Having said that, the moment I heard him, because of his tone, I knew exactly who it was (again insert Ken’s voice here)...

So, for my guess, I think it is Full House actor/comedian:

Bob Saget

Ok, so besides the voice, lemme give you why I think that clues wise (credit goes to this Screen Rant article for the details idk on my own):

Penguin visual in the package= he directed a parody nature documentary called Farce of the Penguins

Father and a scoundrel= father part due to him actually being a father to 3 girls/his role on Full House as Danny Tanner (a single father of 3 daughters which I think is wow funny) and the scoundrel part referring to his raunchy/dirty comedy

Cookie clues= nod to Michelle from Full House and her love of cookies

“Breaking News” and him on a news show kind of thing= reference to his Full House character Danny Tanner being an anchor for Good Morning San Francisco

He also was on the show as a shrimp cocktail as the friend for the Taco aka Tom Bergeron! So it makes sense for him to come back this season which I am all into

2. Mushroom 🍄

Performance: Ok, so this is like the most confusing, is it a he or is it a she? That’s the biggest question, my money’s on a boy... so my guess is going to be male (I am gonna call Mushroom a he because of that so I apologize if I am misgendering them, I just need to narrow it down somehow and I am gendering them based on who I think it is, and I feel like he is the correct pronoun). Anyways, I love him, he’s my favorite Group C contestant, and his performance of This Woman’s Work was amazing, people said it was not good, but I really enjoyed it because I am a sucker for a good falsetto and this guy was almost all falsetto, I was feeling it. Having said that, maybe I like him so much because I feel like it is someone I adore, like if I meet him, I will faint status...

Having said that, I think it is Broadway star, heartthrob, actor, singer, adorable human...

Jordan Fisher

Omg he is so cute... sorry I am gonna stop being 😍 for him I promise. Anyways, big clue was a video of him singing this exact song (I think it sounds so similar, but you guys can judge for yourselves), here it is: https://youtu.be/3lzRsMl8M8Q

Apart from that, here are some actual clues (with a bit of help from this Screen Rant article) that got my mind thinking it is him:

WAITTT 🤔... before we get into that, what I found interesting is that he tweeted and I quote “Seasonal tweet to let everyone know that ____ on the masked singer is once again not me 💜” and THE MASKED SINGER RETWEETED IT... but also I just checked and this is the first time he’s ever had to clear that up... soooo maybe he’s a liar (bc of an NDA ofc you cannot really spill the beans.... but let’s go with he’s a liar)... a cute liar... but he’s lying.

Ok, now onto the clues:

A lot of Hamilton clues= “a healer and a scholar,” “young, scrappy, and fun-gy,” “shroom where it happens” = he replaced Anthony Ramos as John Laurens/Philip Hamilton in the Broadway musical Hamilton (and also can reference his Broadway roots in general like being on Dear Evan Hansen)

Started at a “rat race” and Men in Black were mice= could be a reference to his start on Disney (Liv and Maddie and Teen Beach Movie)

A shot to turn a hobby into a career= reference to him streaming video games on Twitch

Stars clue with audience= he won Dancing with the Stars back in 2017 and also hosted DWTS Junior

3. Jellyfish 💚

Performance: I really liked her performance of Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie even though I felt like she was holding back a bit (I can kind of say the same about Mushroom... but I still enjoyed it). I am really curious to see what she can really do, because I felt her nerves in the performance and like she can do more. This one’s killing me because I feel like I have heard that voice but I can’t put my finger on who it could be

So, with that said, I have no idea who to guess:

But I do know that it isn’t ✨Billie Elish✨

No, but like seriously, that ain’t Billie Elish even tho a lot of people are guessing it, I am not buying it... you’ll see why in a second, here are the clues:

The Little(ish) Jellyfish title on a book

Reigned supreme in an underwater kingdom

Fans, Tiara (“princess”)

Angel Fish

Flower Crown

Missed out on normal girl stuff like parties and making friends

Billie Elish “Bad Guy” lyrics in the background= that’s way too obvious for it to be Billie Elish

4. Broccoli 🥦

Performance: His performance of House is Rockin’/Whole Lotta Shakin Going On by Stevie Ray Vaughan/Jerry Lee Lewis was not what I expected to be honest. I thought it was going to be someone younger or a rapper, but it was an older gentlemen, and he was rockin, not gonna lie. I really liked it, not my favorite though I don’t think he is bad by any means. Anyways, I feel like I know who it is... maybe I am getting this from another person on YT’s guess who I really liked (Shoutout to them idk their user sorry)

So, for my guess for the Broccoli, I think it is legendary singer...

Paul Anka

The reason why is because of the following clues:

Can of Soup= he won a Campell’s Soup competition and that jump started his career

Tik Tok reference= his song Put Your Head on My Shoulder went viral on Tik Tok

Also, the letterman jacket is very 60s which is his era I guess (my mom knows more ab it than I do)

Anyways, that’s it, guys! I hope you enjoyed this recap, I apologize for how long they are, it’s kind of my thing lol! Don’t forget to comment your guesses (do you agree with me? Disagree? I wanna know below... especially Jellyfish guesses bc I have no idea who she can be), like, and follow for more Masked Singer content. I’ll see you all next week for the Group C Playoffs! Bye guys! 👋🏼