#i really lost track of my point

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Look, I am all for devillainizing disorders but this isnt a good article. The information it has are straight up not true, including the section on differences between mental illness and just someone whos abusive.

This article is a problem in a few ways but I dont know if Ill be able to describe it in a way that will make sense to the people who really like it. If you set aside the focus on narcissistic abuse and just regard it as abuse + mental disorders, I am sorry to tell you this, abuse is a choice…. But not always one presented with easier alternatives. I mean think about it, abuse is fueled by emotion, what are mental disorders if not the fluctuation in emotion? Not to say by default you will be abusive, but this is so important because really, we all need to accept that we can be terrible to some people.

Theres no sugar coating it. I am sorry. We are all likely toxic in some ways and could be abusive. Its actually pretty easy to be. Its part of being a human and growing up. But this article is differentiating the two so much that its taking that awareness away.

The real issue is the people who think mental health disorders are an excuse. I mean thats just plain stupid. The whole first part of the article is closest. If you have a mental health issue and youre being a dick, its expected that you go get help and no one has to associate with you while youre like that. Same as if you didnt have one but struggled with abusive behavior. Fun fact guys- the treatment for both is the same thing.

Also a chart

Ive talked about this chart before, but its based on statistics. Tells you escalation of abuse and the reasoning for it.

Heres the thing though that everyone forgets about statistics- it really doesnt mean as much as you think. Sure it is statistically likely that someone who is murdered in a relationship, that their partner could have a personality disorder.

That means literally nothing though. Statistics work in general. It means NOTHING about individuals, I dont even care what kind of statistics you have. Example: 95% of the time a test for determining a spy is right but only 1 out of a thousand employees will be a spy.

Do you think the test will help you figure out who that spy is?

No not in the slightest. Infact, you may have a large group of suspects and not one of them is the actual spy.

there IS statistics talking about mental health issues and being abusive! You cant look away from it and pretend it doesnt exist, because it does. Hell, do you know how the diagnosis PTSD came about? But you just also dont know how statistics work, but more than that, you are less likely to recognize toxic behavior in yourself.

Id prefer that instead of lobbying so much about stuff in the article, maybe we just develop some compassion. Hey, even if someone with the disorder was abusive, they deserve help dont they? They dont deserve to go to hell? Cause someone is reading this likely does struggle with maladaptive behavior and either they wont see it or they are being demonized by their own group.

BREATHE OF FRESH AIR!!! An article about abuse that isn’t ableist!! Read this if you want to understand why “narcissistic abuse” is not real, only abuse is. And that people with NPD and other disorders are not inherently abusive.

[phier]

Swiss Spring Scenery Studies

[elipheleh]

The truth is every queer person has the right to come out on their own terms, and on their own timeline. They also have the right to choose not to come out at all. The forced conformity of the closet can not be answered with the forced conformity in coming out of it.

-Alex, Red White & Royal Blue (2023)

i want to talk about this quote. full disclosure, it’s because i keep seeing some really frustrating takes (some of which veer into queerphobia) and i am getting a bit annoyed with people and rather than directly addressing it with them & appear to be picking a fight im going to make an analysis post in my space. (tbf. its mostly on twitter and i have a priv account so that limits me)

disclaimer; this is my interpretation, im not saying its the only interpretation just something to consider. i am queer & cognitively disabled - don’t assume malice and dont be cruel. i will ignore and block freely.

tl;dr/very simplified summary: it doesn’t mean “dont ever speculate about other people’s sexuality” but rather that ‘coming out’ in the way society understands it shouldn’t be a necessity for queer people to exist openly as queer. full context under the cut & self-exploration questions at the end.

so lets start with the context. alex is talking at a point in time when the world has read their emails and so knows both are queer (bi & gay, specifically), but neither alex/the white house or henry/the palace have commented. so more simply - alex and henry are known to be queer, but have not come out. alex uses the speech to come out as bi, and as being in love with henry. he also uses it to imply that he & henry should have the right to choose not to do this formal coming out alex is doing.

—

okay. lets get into the quote analysis.

The truth is every queer person has the right to come out on their own terms, and on their own timeline.

reasonably self explanatory. each queer person gets to decide their own timing for coming out, and the way that they want to address their sexuality.

They also have the right to choose not to come out at all.

this is where problems with interpretation have started to appear. fundamentally yes, this means people are allowed to not be openly queer/‘out’ if that is what their decision is. but it also means that they can be visibly queer - for example being in a visibly queer relationship; signalling with their aesthetic (e.g. someone being butch, someone who wears only ‘girl’ clothes despite that being at odds to their assigned gender); casually posting about queer things on social media etc - without addressing their own sexuality to others.

it does not mean that you should assume everyone is straight until they explicitly tell you otherwise. and quite frankly insisting that it does mean that is veering into homo-/bi-/queer-phobia because you are insinuating that being not-straight is a negative thing.

The forced conformity of the closet can not be answered with the forced conformity in coming out of it.

some people seem to be interpreting this as ‘you shouldnt force people out of the closet’ and i don’t think thats quite to the nuance of what it means. yes, i do think that is part of it - in much the same way as the previous sentence - but it is not really the whole of it. in my opinion this is actually addressing - at least to some degree - the concept of ‘we should assume people are straight until they explicitly say otherwise’.

the ‘forced conformity of coming out’ addresses the idea that to be “out” you have to follow these steps; that you have to make a public statement that ‘this is my sexuality and i am [queer/bi/gay/pan/ace/etc]’. you are conforming to this precedent of “how to come out” that countless queer people have followed. there’s nothing inherently wrong with doing so, but actually there are different ways to be queer - and even being “out” as queer - that don’t involve following that playbook.

here’s a hypothetical to demonstrate my point. two men, who have never dated any women, live together & spend basically all their time together over 5-10 years. they holiday with each other’s family, they’re always together at events (e.g. weddings of non-mutual friends), but they’ve never told you/the public that they’re queer and/or dating each other. at what point does one start to assume they’re together? and does the answer change if its a man & a woman rather than two men? if a man & a woman did that, people would assume pretty early on they’re probably dating. but yet when it’s two men suddenly it’s invasive to speculate. this is where this concept of the forced conformity of coming out comes in - along with the veering into homophobia i referenced earlier - why must they say the words “i am gay” for it to then be ‘okay’ to consider that they’re together? (the homophobia comes into play because if you think being gay is morally neutral (which it is) then you shouldn’t have any issue with the speculation about people being together regardless of their genders.) the idea that straight is the default is where this forced conformity starts to really kick in.

—

i guess the main things i want people to ask themselves are these (and i have been asking myself these questions, there is no judgement or censure just self examination):

1. do you think people can be openly queer publicly without explicitly sharing that they are queer? (by this i mean in an announcement or in casual conversation. can you be openly queer without ever addressing it explicitly?)

2. if you do, why do you think that talking about the possibility someone is queer is something that should be hushed up? is it because there is an internalised concept that being queer is something abnormal and/or negative? if it was a straight couple would you feel the same way?

3. what does “coming out” mean to you? why does it mean that, what have you internalised to get to that conclusion & is it something that always works or are there other ways to be openly queer (or ‘out’ if you prefer)?

4. is it possible that there are queer people living openly and happily as themselves without explicitly addressing their sexuality to the wider world, who don’t want to address it publicly? does this make them closeted or ‘less’ queer to you? if so, what makes you think that?

[tiredassmage]

Betrayal, failure, and monster for the not-so nice OC asks. For Tyr!

[not-so-nice oc asks!]

These were all really good, so I'm warning now that I got... quite rambly about answering them. xD One of my favoritest guys ever, fr. Thank you for coming to my TED talk, etc etc lol

betrayal: Has your OC ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust? Has your OC ever betrayed someone who trusted them?

Oh, I am so glad you asked this one for him. One might say the surface-level answer is that betrayal is part of an agent's job, but there's some occasions I really want to dig my teeth into for this where some of Tyr's... surprises, shall we say, come across. This is gonna take us right into Imperial Agent chapter 2 spoilers, however, so beware those beneath the cut.

I can't resist starting with... the asterisk? The "should probably be the expected answer" that Tyr decided to fully turn on its head?

One deeply important thing about Tyr (and his perception of his own career) is that he chose, agreed to Imperial Intelligence, went through Academy training, and was thus... as prepared as one could fairly expect to be for the kind of half-truths and lies an operative can expect to both perpetuate and be expected to swallow as part of their job, he might say. Which is just... background to add flavor to the fact that Tyr cites his reason for joining Intelligence as something one might call a flavor of patriotism - a genuine drive to serve the greater good of the Empire's citizens. Something that is complicated by Tyr's distaste for stereotypical Sith in-fighting and powerplays, but I digress.

This point is really just when Tyr says, Imperial Intelligence never betrayed me, he does actually believe it. With his entire heart. And that won't actually change even as he learns more about the Castellans and what he's been subjected to.

Tyr's faith in Keeper (or rather, the Minister of Intelligence, as his role is at that point) is... not that the man is perfect and incapable of fault, but that the man's in a rather tight position and genuinely does what he can for his operatives, even with his hands tied behind his back. I guess you could call it a kind of "you couldn't hurt me in a way that matters," but like... meant as a positive?

Some might call that one hell of a mental gymnastics routine. Maybe it's because they're related, even if Tyr never fully realizes it, or maybe it's just really that Tyr's short on authority and parental figures that he can rely on, so he's willing to do a lot to hold on to the ones he feels he does have.

So, arguably, that doesn't particularly answer the question, but it does set-up that Tyr's... really fucking ride or die, at his core. Once he really commits to someone, it... well, frankly, it takes a lot to dethrone them from his confidence. Tyr never feels betrayed by Intelligence, even if you might argue he very well should. He feels hung out to dry for doing his job by the Sith and the Dark Council. And there isn't really arguing that Kaliyo has essentially toyed with selling him out for the equivalent of a bag of corn chips and some salsa, but, really, neither of them expected much more or less of each other, so Tyr doesn't... tend to be fussed about it, honestly.

I think the one that stings, really, is his... dynamic with Lana Beniko, really. I'd be tempted to say there's a lot about their relationship that isn't necessarily exactly either of them's fault and, ultimately, I'd say on most days, in the end, they're actually quite perceptive of one another's needs and the differences and bonds between them. What does make him feel betrayed by her is a little unfair in the sense that there's no real way she could have known at the time what kind of traumas she was touching him off on - and, frankly, they're not particularly great at ever clearing it up out of some sort of "mutual respect to not talk about the past" that does cause them a bit more trouble than boons at times. The short of that (in this... already very long ramble, oops) is that it's Rishi, and it's the matter of Theron Shan. And even without Tyr's growing affections for Theron by then, Lana getting Theron caught by the Revanites without forewarning him would have still shot their budding trust in the foot and it leaves them somewhat hobbled even to this day. It made Tyr want to throw his guards back up - it reminds him of Corellia (which was no vacation, sure, but it was an operation he was made well aware of what he was agreeing to when Shara sent him in), but what the real issue is is that it reminds him of Castellans, and of the very touchy "job security" he's not particularly had since Imperial Intelligence was cannibalized. One thing Tyr always has strong feelings about is that you take care of your own, that operatives aren't disposable for the sake of being disposable. Risks are inherent in this work. They hardly need to make them more prominent by holding knives to each other's throats for the slightest of inconveniences.

And that leaves me with the second question, which is... also maybe not as clean as an answer as it could be, lol. But to dig deeper than the surface level of the occupation's inherent moments, I think... the one that haunts me the most, and the one that haunts him, though he'd need to be forced to actually admit it and realize (let alone deal) with his feelings about it, is Shara - Watcher Two.

They never intend to hurt one another. Both of them realize in their relationship's infancy that it's an inherent possibility, maybe even a likelihood. What I think happens is they sort of... accidentally fall in love with a reflection of one another rather than... who ends up standing before them. And some of that - a lot of that, even - may well ride on Tyr. And what's left unsaid.

He never confronts her about the whole of the Castellans. He never even says to her that he knows - that's a secret he keeps between himself, his crew, and the old man, as far as the people who were there to live through it with him. Tyr never tells her he's made a deal with Ardun Kothe, that he's turned genuinely double agent for the SIS. I can't say with certainty it even... occurs to him to consider it.

Some of it is the relatively high certainty that, in the end, as things are, they're not likely to ever see each other again. They'll both be reassigned, if she continues work at all, and that means both of them have to say goodbye. It's better for both of them if she puts him from her mind, and he doesn't need or want to make that any harder for her.

Either of them.

And he's not convinced he'll ever actually make it out of the Empire. Most Ciphers don't survive five years of the work, after all. Certainly not Ciphers who have already once caught the ire of the Dark Council, despite their best intentions. There's few people Tyr genuinely holds close, and he wants to see none of them take the fall with him when the day comes that he finally pays the price for his betrayals.

Shara should've gotten out. At least one of them deserved it, as he'll tell the old man on Rishi. At least one of them actually made it. He hopes. He has to believe, in that moment.

Until that all falls apart when he sees her face on Nathema again, years later. And she calls him a liar - cites the Republic alignments of the Alliance - except it's not about that, is it? It's about trust. It's about working with someone so long that they knew the back of your hand as well as you - maybe even better. It was about, why didn't you ever tell me? That you were suffering, that you wanted to run? It's... it's if it was love, if we would've crossed galaxies for each other... why wasn't she invited to return the favor?

Something he'll never have the opportunity to try to explain now. Just the bitter-tasting realization that none of his answers would've sufficed anyway. In the end, he'll feel he robbed her of the one thing he's been so damn afraid of losing for so long: the chance to choose.

failure: What's your OC's greatest failure? Have they been able to move past it? Does anyone else know about it?

I think there's a part of him that would consider his greatest failure what we just covered: that one of the few people he'd relied on in one of the darkest times of his life, he'd betrayed, he'd hurt - in one of the gravest ways he's ever experienced hurt. And on that note, no, no one really knows about it. When he says his initial goodbyes to her after wrapping the Star Cabal operation, and then has to face repeating those goodbyes on Rishi, he bundles that part of himself and his experience up and sets it aside. What other choice does he have, really? It's safer that they never see one another again, and dwelling on it isn't going to change that.

He remembers her and their time together fondly, can be caught by later partners contemplatively watching rain droplets race each other down the windows at times during a storm, but he rarely makes an even indirect explanation of their relationship, let alone an explanation of it. He'd probably like to say there's nothing to be done about it now, so it doesn't matter, but that doesn't change the ache in his chest.

Aside from that, I think... there is genuinely a part of him that is realizing more and more that it's... it's not exactly great that he hasn't been able to get out. Maybe that's more in-line with greatest flaw, but... Tyr is the type to dress self-sacrifice as, if not a virtue, then just... a core of what he does, what he's meant to do. To be really bad at recognizing it's self-sacrifice.

And it's hard to miss the way he works, but... his own mindset isn't particularly good at saying no, enough, and... neither has the galaxy exactly been the most accommodating at telling him to quit already, lol. But... he's gotten more and more aware over the years - with age, with experience, with more and more wars under his belt - that it's not just himself he's harming with that kind of mentality. The very people he wants so badly to protect, to look after aren't having a great time watching him burn the candle from both ends, either. And he's... he wishes he was better at this also, really.

monster: Is your OC monstrous in any way? Is there something that makes them monstrous? Are they aware of their own monstrosity? Do they accept it or reject it?

I do spend a fair amount of time going on about how Tyr's actually an idealist, despite his consistent failure to fully recognize this, but I do also get reminded when I go back through chapter one with him that he's just as capable of calculated cold cuts as any Cipher. 'Monstrous' isn't something that'd come to mind for him, or as a descriptor of him coming from me, however.

If there's anything in this territory, it's that his more ruthless streak - that thread of him that's capable of channeling more Cipher Nine and less Tyr Deckard, agent of Imperial Intelligence, if you will - still slumbers, and still has a passing fancy for the false allure of vengeance, at times.

There is absolutely a part of him that could probably still be goaded to try burning the Empire and its systems down in a scorched earth blaze of glory. Tyr has almost always remembered that such tactics... never really worked. If they did, they wouldn't be in this war - or the last, or the one before it. They wouldn't have inherited the war of their fathers, and their fathers before them, and he wouldn't be facing down a galaxy that seems hellbent on leaving it to their children, either. The Republic has already tried to eradicate the Sith, and the Empire was still standing to make him an agent of it.

But there's that itch, still... it grows a bit quieter with each year, maybe - the seasonings of age and experience to temper its hiss. But the trigger itch to light a match and watch it burn for the way the Empire's eaten people up and discarded them - for that way it's used him. It's been tempting, at times. There's a reason he has such a damned hard time walking away when there's still fighting going. Even if he is starting to feel too old for this bullshit these days.

[inniave]

every once in awhile i have a flashback so bad it triggers a seizure & nobody really knows why

[wherela]

one of those crying in the shower kind of days

[cc-kote]

This Kylux (or more accurately, Ben/Hux) fic I've been working on since the beginning of the year really fuckin hits different given the recent tragedies in my life, oh man. I initially started it as a character study focusing on the different types of isolation Ben and Hux experience and the parallels between them, as well as Ben's grief and remorse Vs. Hux grappling with his choice to betray/ help bring about the fall of the Order he was born and raised to serve, and holy shit. I have so many feelings about this silly little AU I've created.

I took a break from writing it after I posted the last chapter in act 2 so that I could really consider what I wanted to do for the final arc and now that I've been slowly coming back to it after everything I just went through, it's put the entire thing in a totally different perspective for me. Like, this all started because I wanted to put my blorbos under a microscope and send them to space therapy, but upon closer inspection I've been putting myself in Brain Therapy this whole gd time.

I am happy to be working on it again tho, it really is one of the best stories I've ever written imo.

[starscreamingg]

Just wanna shoutout the kid who was sitting next to me during Oppenheimer playing clash of clans. What're you doing buddy. Where will you go from here

[i-love-love]

Side effect of watching three Mike Flanagan miniseries in a week a little while ago is I now have flanaverse dreams. The plot started and I went “isn’t this just a worse version of Midnight Mass?”

[pears-trinkets]

.

[phagodyke]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

[exopelagic]

actually tiny thing this time that I would just like to complain about so I can go to bed :/

[swagging-back-to]

i find it so interesting how mice from a petstore will always be awake during the day and sleeping at night until they're left to acclimate and make their own schedule.

[widevibratobitch]

.

[reginrokkr]

𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐕𝐈. Different uses to an equivalent of Aqua Doloris to introduce knowledge of the Abyss —Aqua Sapientiae—.

Last night in my review of Wriothesley's SQ I touched on the topic of the Aqua Doloris (water of pain) and its plausible connection to the poisonous Abyss and even Khaenri'ah (Khaenri'ahn language uses Latin and this here is outright Latin). After giving it some thought, I want to give that more depth and establish it as part of this blog's worldbuilding concerning a kingdom that was so grand but it also cast a large shadow.

It is known that the Abyss and everything that connects to it is intimately related to Forbidden Knowledge that, according to Rhukkadevata is:

«Forbidden knowledge» is a kind of knowledge that doesn’t belong to this world, and a form of “truth” that can’t be understood. It came from the very bottom of the Abyss. Even I could never understand it. The world is constantly rejecting it, leading to all kinds of phenomena. If we allow forbidden knowledge to pollute Irminsul, I’m afraid the entirety of Teyvat could fall apart. At that time, I knew I couldn’t repel the forbidden knowledge with my strength alone. Which is why I created a device that compiled human wisdom, and named it “the Akasha”.

But we know that after the last episode of Sumeru's main arc, all Forbidden Knowledge was erased from Irminsul with Rhukkadevata's erasure. Nevertheless, that doesn't stop the Abyss from continuing to be a source of truth that still lingers in Teyvat if we take into account the Sign of Apaosha phenomenon, or as per the Chinese transliteration: Burning Truth Weather Phenomenon. Before getting into this, I want to give another glimpse of truth tied to the Abyss, witnessed by Childe no less who spent three months there, three days in Teyvatan time.

There, he witnessed the endless possibilities of another ancient world.

As per what he says in the event of Labyrinth Warriors, it is highly possible that it happened nearby Irminsul, as he describes having fought in the fissures that lie between great tree roots.

No matter how negatively the Abyss is perceived (and how negative the knowledge it provides is, perhaps to Celestia as it reveals a certain truth that doesn't seem to be something they want to be known and yet the Abyss Order is sickened that common folk doesn't know and seek to shove it down their throats at the closest opportunity, however true or distorted their truth may be), it is clear that at the same time it is trying to introduce a censored truth as if it were someone from outside of Teyvat wanting to send warnings of some kind as it may or may not be interpreted through two description lines of Narwhal:

Realistically speaking, however, if a profound universe full of life exists, why hasn't any of that life made contact with Teyvat? Maybe the universe has been constantly trying to infiltrate Teyvat, or maybe a higher power created borders to protect this world.

Lastly, to conclude with the chain of indicators that point towards the Abyss being a different brand of source of truth, I want to return to the Sign of Apaosha. This celestial phenomenon is said to have appeared for the first time after the Cataclysm's apparition as a result of the constant build-up of defilement. According to Khaenri'ahn documents, it was also called Sign of Truth, as they believed that it reflected the "reality" beyond the skies of Teyvat.

Now, to jump onto Khaenri'ah, 「Caribert」 was bolder in revealing that part of the population had this belief that in controlling the Abyss, they would also be able to control the Heavenly Principles. And judging by Chlothar's status as a nobleman of the Alberich house, it stands to reason that this belief was spread among the gentry of the kingdom. As a small parenthesis, the devs also mentioned that all the time back since the conception of Field Tillers and other Ruin Guards there were people with certain obsessions, some of which can be reflected in their infatuation for dragons. Furthermore, it is also known that the Universitas Magistrorum, what could've possibly been an equivalent of Sumeru's Akademiya in Khaenri'ah, possessed great knowledge but they would also twist it to their own needs.

Their obsession for the Abyss didn't end there, however, as it is known that until relatively late years of Khaenri'ah's civilization leading to the looming Cataclysm within close years, Ley Line energy was being used as energy until they have decided to change to Abyss energy. This made them want to investigate this energy outside Khaenri'ah (namely in Sumeru) through a special unit of knights by the name of Schwanenritter at the orders of the Knight Marshal Anfortas (who would later become into a temporary regent due to King Irmin falling ill or passing away). One of the tasks of these knights was also of espionage.

So in view that they would reach as far as to be able to turn the Abyss power into energy for their own use and, no matter how twisted, Khaenri'ah was a nation rich in knowledge of all sorts, it is also possible that they used the Abyss power for other means similar to how the Aqua Doloris was. And by this I don't mean necessarily to inflict pain and control people, but for something different such as isolating knowledge in a substance instead of fear born from unpleasant memories in order to provide it or force it to people and have more join this twisted cause that even King Irmin wasn't above judging by the description of statuettes carved in the likeness of his person:

“See, my child. All that lies under the throne of heaven shall be destroyed by upheaval. The eternal peace of the pitch-dark void shall embrace us all.”

While I'm still a firm believer that there was a part of the Khaenri'ahn population that had nothing to do with the underlying darkness that permeated this kingdom (among which I think Dainsleif was, based on his pain when he talked about the civilization's fall), it is also possible that some people were abducted into a cult-like kind of belief and that manners of "drugs" were used to make these people believe what others, deep in their delusion, already believed blindly as the Aqua Doloris did.

[bodymachine]

i’m so ready to be done with this journal i hate almost every entry i’ve written in here.