#i really gave up with the scs not gonna lie

[goofytrait]

Introducing IDYL !! 

IDYL is set to debut in 2023. With an 8-member line up and big dreams, IDYL is sure to make waves in K-pop. Exclusive interview out tomorrow.

[cosmicjoke]

Ah, chapters 113 & 114 of AoT, and I’ve only got one thing to say.

Zeke, am I supposed to be feel sorry for the bitch?  Well I DON’T.

No, seriously, fuck this guuuuuuuuy, I know I keep saying it again and again, but God damn, if these two chapters didn’t just solidify my hatred for the bastard.

First of all, he is just... the most whiny, delusional, self-pitying pathetic loser, just... he really is.  I feel like a character in a Peanuts comic strip every time he opens his mouth.  All I hear is “whaa, whaa, whaa”.  And his delusions of grandeur would almost be funny if they weren’t so pathetic.  

Here’s the thing, alright, and I’m sorry if I’m going to offend any Zeke fans with what I’m about to say, but too bad, I guess.  

Everything out of this shitheads mouth is a lie.  And just because he’s convinced himself of his own bullshit doesn’t make the lies coming out of his mouth any more true.

He turns Levi’s fellow soldiers into Titans.  He does this without remorse.  Don’t try to tell me Zeke felt bad about it.  He didn’t.  You know how I know he didn’t?  Because in his private moments in the immediate aftermath, he mocks Levi over having done it, gloating about his supposed master plan of using Levi’s compassion against him and utilizing it to ensure Levi’s own demise.  Zeke’s entire attitude here is sickeningly unbothered, unburdened, uncaring, and smug in the EXTREME.  He mocks Levi’s compassion, literally makes fun of it and lambasts it as a pathetic sign of weakness when he says “I know you’re a caring leader.  Your soldiers haven’t done anything wrong.  They’ve just grown a little bigger.  You wouldn’t, say, slice them to pieces over that, would you?”.  This is Zeke making fun of the fact, finding AMUSEMENT in the fact that he’s just murdered 30 people who have never done a single thing to him, and reveling in what he thinks is a victory that will lead to Levi’s own death, reveling in having taken advantage of and weaponizing a better man’s kindness and compassion.  Zeke is ENJOYING this moment.  Just like he enjoyed killing all those soldiers in Shinganshina.  And then, the kicker, and this is a particular point about Zeke that just makes me absolutely sick, he pretends to himself as if he didn’t want to do it.  He PLAYS at his own regret, saying, “I didn’t want do this either,” and yet in the very next breath, continues to treat what he’s done with grotesque flippancy, saying “Still, how sad... There wasn’t even a battle or skirmish.”  Gloating over how easily he’s bested Levi and his men, before going on to sink further into his insane delusions of grandeur, blaming their inability to trust one another on Levi’s inability to “understand”.  I’m sorry, Zeke, but no.  You didn’t even TRY to help Levi understand, too wrapped up in your own egotistical god-complex to consider it a possibility.  ‘Oh, only I could possibly understand, along with Eren, the great task we two special beings have been burdened with.  He makes assumptions about Levi’s life, about the kinds of things he’s seen and experienced, and convinces himself that they couldn’t be anything like what Zeke has (which, hilariously, is all wrong, since out of everyone, Levi knows better than anyone else in the SC what it’s like to be treated as a second class citizen).  Zeke just assumes Levi couldn’t possibly ever grasp the complexities of the outside world, and so that’s why Zeke didn’t even bother trying to talk to him.  Blah, blah, blah.  No, Zeke, you didn’t share your stupid ass plan because you wanted to continue to feel special, like you’re the chosen one who gets to decide the fate of an entire race of people.  The most hilarious part of this entire sequence is when Zeke is thinking Levi couldn’t ever understand the concept of all the world’s militaries bearing down on Paradis at once, and what that means, couldn’t grasp the urgency of the situation, as if ZEKE HIMSELF isn’t completely fucking responsible for that situation in the first place.  Zeke literally engineered it.  He created the problem, and now wants to position himself as the savior.  He’s just such a loser man.  The God damned definition.  

And as if all of that wasn’t bad enough, when it turns out Zeke’s plan to take Levi out failed miserably, and Levi comes after his sorry ass like a bat out of hell, Zeke continues to mock Levi, to laugh at what Levi’s just had to do in order to survive and pursue Zeke.  He says “Where’d your adorable little men go!?  Don’t tell me you killed them all!  The poor things!”.  Are you fucking serious?  Zeke’s behavior here is one of the most sickening things in the entire story, bar none.  The way he laughs at Levi here for having to cut down 30 of his friends and comrades, the absolute display of sociopathic glee and disregard for the severe, horrific trauma he’s just caused this man, is honestly shocking.  Man, I’m sorry, but anyone who sympathizes with Zeke over Levi after this display maybe needs to reevaluate their moral compass, because it’s damned broken.  And just as an aside, Zeke’s cowardly fear of Levi is also pretty damned funny.  He’s just such a bitch./

We go from this perverse display of psychopathic megalomania into Zeke’s backstory, and again, I’m sorry if I’m gonna offend any Zeke fans here, but to all of that, I ask, so effing what?  Oh, boohoo, Zeke’s mommy and daddy didn’t shower him with praise or spend any time playing catch with him, and somehow, I guess, this is meant to excuse his attempts later in life to commit mass genocide.  Poor, poor Zeke.  Yes, his childhood was sad, he experienced neglect from his parents for two whole years, was used by them as a pawn for their idiotic plans, and ended up disappointing his father when it turned out he had no real talent.  And again I ask, so what?  This sort of experience isn’t exactly what one would call unique, or even extreme.  There are countless children in the world who go through the exact same thing in various forms.  Parents who put too much pressure on their kids to succeed, parents who try living vicariously through their children, parents who make their disappointment known and even punish their children for failing to live up to their expectations (something Zeke’s parents never did, by the way).  The point is, this isn’t even what one would classify as extreme hardship.  It’s a sad story of a child being neglected and not receiving enough love from his parents.  This isn’t to undermine the very real pain one experiences from those things.  Not at all.  That pain is real and legitimate.  But it’s also fairly common and pedestrian, as far as childhood trauma is concerned, and it doesn’t even remotely begin to justify the extreme lengths of megalomaniacal, sociopathic, genocidal tendencies he later displays.  Also, Zeke also had his grandparents, who did love him and spent lots of time with him.  He had Mr. Ksaver, who played with him and acted as a mentor to him.  It wasn’t like Zeke had no one and grew up with zero connections.  That’s BS.  

Levi calls this bitch on his shit later in chapter 114, as Zeke’s muttering away in his delusions about how he’s “saving everyone”.  He asks Zeke “That was your plan?  Mercy killings?”.  Levi’s asking Zeke here who the hell gave him the right to decide who lives and who dies?  Who gave him the right to decide who’s life is WORTH living?  When Levi says him getting to die by being eaten by a Titan is pretty merciful, considering he stole the lives of so many of his comrades, Zeke’s reply speaks volumes about just how warped and demented his thinking is, when he says “I stole nothing.  I... saved them.  Them and the children they would have... I saved them all... from this cruel world.”.  He’s literally justifying murdering countless people by trying to redefine that murder as “saving” them.  It’s not murder because it saved them from ever having to suffer again!  He’s absolving himself here of his sins by casting his actions in not just a favorable light, but trying to sell them as heroic and admirable.  He takes no, actual responsibility for what he’s done.  He removes himself from that responsibility by pretending he was doing a good thing, an honorable, noble thing, by murdering a whole bunch of people who’d never done jack shit to him.  Yippee for Zeke, I guess.  He’s the very definition of an ego-maniac, of someone suffering from a messiah complex.  He’s insane, and morally depraved.  The very fact that he’s the one who comes up with the idea of eradicating the Eldian race by rendering them infertile is only further proof of this.  What teenager comes up with a plan to exterminate an entire race of people and thinks it’s a good idea?

Right before he blows himself and Levi up, he screams “I’m hope you’re watching, Mr. Ksaver!”.  He’s indulging in his own, fanciful notions of himself as the “chosen one”, as a unique person who alone is capable of delivering humanity to salvation.  He’s showing off, asking Mr. Ksaver to watch him as he “saves the world”, because all he cares about, really, is making himself feel special, of fulfilling what he’s deluded himself into believing is his destiny, his right to decide the fate of the world. 

And then he almost kills Levi in the process.

I swear, I wish Levi had just chopped his shitty head off right then and there.  No one can blame Levi for chopping the bastards legs up like he did, for being so angry.  It wasn’t just that Zeke had killed so many of his fellow soldiers by turning them into Titans, or tried to kill Levi by turning them into Titans, it’s also how Zeke laughed about it, and laughed at the pain he’d caused Levi, treating all of it as if it was worth nothing, and then having the unmitigated gall to cast himself as the hero bestowing his benevolent mercy on all.  Give me a fucking break.

Fuck you Zeke.  I hope you rot in hell, you dumb shit.  

Also, fuck you to Floch too.  I hate that bastard almost as much.

[acavatica]

i-wakeupstrange said:

i’m not including this in my review of the elevator fic because it was becoming its own huge, ridiculous tangent, but in short: it’s now my headcanon that Marco is into anime (OF COURSE why didn’t I realize sooner) and in a roundabout way that’s Peter’s doing. (he’s a little old for NGE but, I think, about the right age to have gotten real into, say, Robotech. and decide to show his son these shows. because he’s a Cool Dad. or tried to be before... you know.)

Peter told himself that he was watching cartoons because of the baby, but also all the baby books he’d tried to force Eva to read had said that babies have about a foot of vision and see colors like a dog. Then he told himself that he was watching cartoons because the bright colors and laser sounds kept him awake. At least that wasn’t a complete lie. 

The full truth was that he thought Robotech was cool. It was serialized, which was more than he could say for any American TV shows. It wasn’t as if Peter could read Dune with a baby in his arms no matter how much he wanted to, even if he’d missed the last two books and another was coming out later that year. And it wasn’t as if Peter could read Dune anyway since he was off Ritalin again, but that was neither here nor there. TV shows would catch up to book series eventually.

The fact that it had a story he could follow was just a bonus. The real draw of Robotech was that it aired in marathons in the middle of the night. That was a lot less likely to wake up his ten-week-old than changing his Doctor Who tapes every four episodes. Plus, he’d had to pay someone on USENET to ship the tapes all the way from Brighton. If he wore them out, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to find the guy ripping VHS tapes on net.tv.drwho again.

Eva’s alarm went off, muffled by the bedroom door. Peter closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the couch cushion. 5:30 already. He’d been letting her get most of the sleep to reimburse her for the whole pregnancy thing, but now that she was going back to work, he wouldn’t even have a choice.

He listened to her shuffle around the kitchen. He heard every step of her putting on a pot of coffee. Eva never did anything quietly, but it hadn’t taken him long to get used to it. After all, there was nothing more comforting than knowing his ever-so-slightly evil partner would at least never be able to sneak up on him. 

He opened his eyes to catch her shaking out her still-rumpled hair and stretching out the crick in her back. He heard that too, from all the way across the room. Another thing Peter was repaying her for. She saw him watching and closed the distance between them. Eva draped her elbows over the back of the couch and touched her cheek to Peter’s head. Peter took a deep breath, and he smelled her shampoo and the coffee and their new baby. 

Putting his PhD on hold was worth it.

Eva cocked her head to the side, rolling her chin over Peter’s forehead. “Wow, look at her hair. Japan really has progressive ideas about the meaning of ‘spiral curls.’” She walked around to the front of the couch, plopped down, and held out her arms. “Hand him over.”

Marco started whining almost immediately. 

“I’m surprised you know it’s Japanimation.”

Eva rolled her eyes. “We had Japanese cartoons in Mexico. And actually, the acting was way better than this.”

“Yeah, but were there giant fighting robots?”

“I dunno, this shit is for nerds.” Marco was still fussing in her arms, but she was looking down at him like she understood where he was coming from. “You’re gonna make our kid a nerd, aren’t you?”

Peter smiled. “I don’t know what you expected when you decided to have a baby with me.”

“Feh, yeah, ‘decided.’” Eva stretched her leg out and gave Peter’s knee a good nudge.

She pulled her leg back, crossed her ankles, and cradled Marco with her whole body. All three of them fell quiet, and Minmay sang Marco back to sleep.

⁠—⁠—⁠— 

Marco was born whining, and after four years, he still only stopped when he was asleep.

“Why do I have to do daycare?”

“You asked to watch Voltron. It’s the fifth time we’ve watched Voltron. Please watch Voltron.”

Marco bobbed his head back and forth as he quoted the onscreen conversation between Queen Merla and King Zarkon: “The chamber is full of quarks. ⁠— Quirks? ⁠— No, quarks. You see, everything is made of atoms, and all atoms are made of quarks. ⁠— Hm, nice, but how does it work? ⁠— Well, there are six kinds of quarks: up, down, top, bottom, strange. And my favorite kind, charmed.”

“Well. At least we can be sure you’re my kid. And Eva’s. And of why I like this show.”

“If you like it, don’t complain.”

Peter ran his hand over his hair and tried to ignore how thin it was getting. “Definitely Eva’s kid…” 

Marco rolled over closer to Peter and looked up at him pleadingly. “Whyyy do I have to do daycare?”

“Because,” Peter said reluctantly. “I finally finished school, and it was really hard, but I got a cool job out of it.”

Marco’s eyes basically tripled in size, and he poked out his lower lip. Definitely, 100% for sure, Eva’s kid. “But I’ll miss you.”

Peter sighed. “I’ll miss you too. But you’re starting school in the fall anyway, so think of it like practice.”

Marco crossed his arms and turned his eyes back to the TV. He stayed quiet for maybe a minute, long enough for the pilots to form Voltron. Without taking his eyes off the TV, he said, “What if they don’t know how to microwave Spaghetti-Os?”

“If there’s any lesson you have to learn, it’s that sometimes you have to settle for Spaghetti-Os that aren’t made by Chef Boyardee Champion of the World, Your Dad.”

“Spaghetti-Os aren’t even Chef Boyardee,” Marco mumbled.

Peter reached his leg over and nudged Marco’s knee with his foot. “Don’t you want to be brave like Lance?”

Marco pushed Peter’s foot away, crossed his arms again, and sank into the couch. “No. I wanna be diablo-lolical like Prince Lotor.”

“Well, Prince Lotor doesn’t even need his dad.”

Marco glanced over at Peter, and Peter grinned. Marco sank even further into the couch until his feet almost touched the floor.

⁠—⁠—⁠— 

The bluish glow of the TV cast long shadows across the room. There wasn’t much contrast because it was a pretty dark movie, but Marco was still illuminated against the dull, colorless room. The volume was only one notch above mute, but he was sitting on his knees, so close to the TV that he could almost make out every word. It’s not like the sound would have bothered his dad, even if he turned it all the way up. Marco kept it low so he could still hear Peter breathing, and even acknowledging that feeling ate away his insides.

It had been a whole year, and for a while Marco had tried not to think about how he was the only thing keeping his dad alive, in more ways than one. It got harder the longer Peter didn’t get better. Marco didn’t even have cable to distract himself from his messed up life. He just had the same old VHS tapes, and they’d had to donate a bunch of them to Goodwill when they’d moved. 

The box was still there, still packed and next to the TV, labeled in Marco’s sloppy kid handwriting. Peter hadn’t helped with the move⁠—it had mostly been Jake’s family and his mom’s relatives he’d never met and would probably never see again. Marco could still see his hands pulling the tapes off the shelves, sorting them, reading the labels in Peter’s sloppy grownup handwriting, and not being able to bear to throw away the memories of sitting between his mom and dad with popcorn in his lap, even if he might never be able to watch those tapes again.

There were only a few tapes scattered around the plastic milk crate the TV sat on. The rest were still in the box. Marco had gone through them dozens of times, and he was still limited to the few tapes he didn’t associate with a time when he had a family. 

He’d never watched Ghost in the Shell with his dad. That was probably a good thing, because there was a lot of nudity, and that was always awkward. There was also some gore, which Peter knew gave Marco nightmares, even if he pretended not to be scared. Marco had played the movie in front of Peter dozens of times anyway, but his eyes didn’t track it, and he didn’t tell Marco that he should turn it off, he was too young to see all these nipples.

Marco turned around, blinded from sitting so close to the TV. He didn’t need to see his dad. He knew he was curled in on himself, his face buried in the place where the back of the couch met the seat and the arm. There was no way to know if he was asleep or awake, and Marco wasn’t even sure those words had meaning in Peter’s life anymore.

“Hey Dad,” Marco said, his voice creaky, either from disuse, disgust, or some other kind of emotion. “What do you think about the whole brains jacking into the internet thing? Realistic? It seems like the kind of thing you’d have worked on.”  Marco listened to Peter’s breathing. It never changed. Marco could say anything. “You know. When you worked.”

Marco turned away, back to the TV. He pressed Stop, and the tape clicked off, flooding the room with light so bright and blue, it hurt his eyes. He pressed rewind and the whir of the tape drowned out Peter’s breathing. It was crazy, but as the VCR started to grind to the end of the tape, Marco was suddenly, irrationally, completely sure that when the tape stopped rolling, the room would be totally silent. His body flashed hot and then cold and his pulse pounded painfully in his temples.

The tape clicked off. Marco held his breath.

Peter breathed in. Out. In. Out.

Marco pressed play, turned the volume up a few more notches, and got to his feet. As he passed, he shoved his dad’s leg with his foot. He stood over him, waiting like he expected some kind of reaction. The TV lit up his motionless body in green, gray, white. The cyborg pulled the cables out of her neck and stood.

“If only someone would ghost hack you.”

Marco went into his bedroom⁠—the only bedroom⁠—and slammed the door.  

⁠—⁠—⁠— 

Marco’s back was flat against the dirt floor of the scoop, his head resting on his folded arms. His right leg was draped over Ax’s back and he’d slowly tangled his left leg up in Ax’s tail. Ax didn’t like that, and he knew Ax didn’t like it, and that’s why he’d taken it slow. He’d started by sticking his leg under Ax’s tail. He’d waited a couple weeks, and then he’d surreptitiously make a loop over the course of an hour. Now, after like a month of acclimating him, Ax’s tail was wrapped around Marco’s leg like a boa constrictor, and maybe Ax didn’t even notice.

He definitely noticed. Marco had just pulled off an incredible feat of exposure therapy. Ax just wasn’t allergic to how annoying Marco was anymore. Too bad the allergy was familial, and it was harder to wallow a hawk into submission.

<You’re not even watching,> Tobias complained.

Marco lolled his head to the side and pointed his eyes at the TV. “Why are you making me read TV, Tobias? The point of TV is to not have to read.”

<Subtitles are more authentic,> Tobias said, his voice dripping with condescension.

“But what about Ax? Poor Ax can’t read at all.”

<I can read,> Ax said, his voice a mixture of defensive and arrogant. <And even if I couldn’t, my translator chip has no trouble processing Japanese.> Snobbiness ran in their family too. 

“I’m just saying, I’d be able to pay more attention if I could understand the words and look at the pictures at the same time. You know, how it’s intended to be consumed?”

<It’s intended to be consumed in Japanese.> 

Marco rolled his eyes and sighed. It was the obnoxious kind of sigh, the voiced kind that’s practically a groan. “It’s just robots, dude, it’s not that serious.”

<Neon Genesis Evangelion is art, Marco,> Tobias said, ratcheting the pretension up to eleven. <It’s an exploration of how humanity would develop, given exposure to advanced alien technology in the face of an oncoming alien threat. And the only thing protecting humanity from annihilation is some teenagers with special powers. It’s like, relatable.> 

“Wow,” Marco said sarcastically. “Never seen anything like that before.” That was basically the plot of Robotech mixed with Voltron, but boring.

<I mean, you must have never seen anime before, or you’d know how terrible the English dubs are.>

Marco sat up on his elbows and narrowed his eyes. Ax tightened his tail ever so slightly around Marco’s leg, like he was trying to hold him back. Marco pulled his leg free. “That’s pretty funny, since how could you even have watched so much subbed anime when no one cared enough about you to buy you decent clothes or new shoes or Clearasil? Let alone to go out of their way to buy you anime, subtitled specifically, the way it’s intended, of course.”

Tobias stared at him. Ax stared at him. Hell, Shinji Ikari stared at him.

Marco couldn’t take even a minute of it. “Say something.”

<I just wanted to share something I like with you.> 

Tobias opened his wings, fluttered to the edge of the scoop entrance, and flew away.

Ax was still looking at him with all four eyes. Marco squirmed, but he pressed his lips into a line and didn’t break eye contact.

<That was too far,> Ax said finally, his voice more gentle than Marco deserved. <Why did you react so forcefully?>

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Marco leaned around Ax, grabbed the remote, and changed the audio to English. “Let’s just watch this dumb robot show.”

[notjanine]

2020 in books!

the only kind of new year’s resolution i made as a naive baby last january was to try to read 40 books for the year. (i read 37 in 2019, for context.) well, with all of my commuting time eliminated and an increased need for immersive escapism, i ended up surpassing that goal three times over lmao (thanks library ebooks!)

idk how to summarize my year in books in a way that makes sense but

(f) = fiction, (nf) = nonfiction, (p) = poetry.

books that rewired my fucking brain:

braiding sweetgrass by robin wall kimmerer (nf)- GOD?!?!?! good. dr. k is right. ostensibly a book about plants, but actually a book about shut up and go outside. consumerism and capitalism are doing their damnedest to fuck you up, but you can just choose to value different things. take care of yourself by taking care of your environment. etc etc.

wasp by richard jones (nf)- lissen. when i got this book, my wasp-phobia was so severe that i had to put it away face down on a high shelf because there are wasps on the cover and i couldn’t bear to RISK even GLIMPSING them. now i am like... a wasp evangelist. (also due to the bugs 101 course on coursera it’s so good.)

wag by zazie todd (nf)- i have a dog, but i am NOT a Dog Person (i.e. i love my dog, but please keep yours away from me, thanks.) this book helped me understand my little guy better, plus it gives actionable tasks and activities to do with and for your pup! plus, y’know, learning about things you’re scared of helps to lessen that fear. i’d recommend this to anyone who has, wants, or regularly interacts with a dog.

a closed and common orbit by becky chambers (f)- is this series complete fluff? absolutely. am i fundamentally different after reading this one? maybe.

the best we could do by thi bui (nf)- this is so far outside of my personal experience but somehow still made me come to peace with my relationship with my mom?? and it’s barely even about that?? idk. this is probably objectively the best book i’ve read this year.

books that were just fun as hell:

mexican gothic by silvia moreno-garcia (f)- this book made me YELL out loud

death on the nile by agatha christie (f)- i grew up on agatha christie shows, but never actually read her before this year! she really was That Bitch. read this before the movie comes out

cosmoknights by hannah templer (f)- i read this in one sitting through the worst headache i’ve had in years. it is a goddamn DELIGHT. this book has everything: spaceships. mech suits. fighting the patriarchy. a perfect otp. fun art in bright colors with clean lines. onomatopoetic WAPs from before the song gave that hilarious context. 800 lesbians. this is an antidepressant in graphic novel form.

stiff by mary roach (nf)- ms. roach is like the 4th most represented author on my bookshelf because she 1. stays writing about shit i’m interested in and 2. manages to talk about gross and ridiculous things without resorting to sensationalism. it takes skill to write a hilarious book about corpses.

black sun by rebecca roanhorse (f)- excellent sexual tension between a horny siren pirate and a hot doomed... monk, kinda? set in the pre-columbian gulf of mexico with magic and shit.

cuisine chinoise by zao dao (? n/f)- this graphic novel about chinese food history/mythology is BEAUTIFUL.

the color of magic by terry pratchett (f)- you’d think a hardcore douglas adams stan would have gotten to this sooner, but no, i had to date a nerdy white boy to get here. it’s fun though! i’m not gonna read them all, but this one was good. bonus: contains one (1) great himbo.

gideon the ninth by tamsyn muir (f)- like 500 pages of action and mystery and jokes and space necromancy. harrow the ninth gets a special mention bc it has a meme reference that took me out so hard i had to close the book, lie down, and groan for an entire minute before continuing.

other minds by peter godfrey-smith (nf)- i love octopuses. on one tma bonus ep, jonny sims says that if a creature can choose to do evil, then it’s a Person. octopuses are People. but anyway frfr this has an explanation of the evolution of consciousness that is cool af. (this one is much better than the other recent popsci octo book which i will not name out of politeness.)

the perfect predator by steffanie strathdee and thomas patterson (nf)- i read this bc my microbiology prof recommended it and it’s cool as heck! it’s got adventure, drama, mystery, Science-with-a-capital-S. i’m biased bc i’m a bit of a microbes nerd, but i had a blast with this. (but only bc we know going in that everything works out okay; if i hadn’t known that, i would have been TOO stressed!)

books that were a little less fun but still very readable:

my sister, the serial killer by oyinkan braithwaite (f)- i couldn’t find this as funny as other people bc i, too, have a beautiful sister who’s an insufferable narcissist, so it hits a little too close to home, but. it is a wild ride.

piranesi by susanna clarke (f)- idek what to say! i went into this one blind just bc it had a cool cover and title, so i guess i’d recommend that for other people too.

the sixth world series by rebecca roanhorse (f)- monster hunting! a post-apocalyptic take that doesn’t feel tired.

the shades of magic trilogy by v.e. schwab (f)- easy escapism. some ideas feel a little first draft-y, but idk, it’s also a pretty simple premise (which isn’t a bad thing). it’s a decent urban fantasy set in ~georgian?-era london. very actiony. suffers from a bit of i’m-not-like-other-girls disease, but i didn’t even notice until book two or three, so.

the only good indians by stephen graham jones (f)- starts off a little ??? (and reeks of being Written By A Man) but picks up. the pacing’s great and there’s just a super fucking cool monster.

robopocalypse by daniel h. wilson (f)- this reads like a tv miniseries so much that i can’t believe it isn’t one yet.

confessions of the fox by jordy rosenberg (f)- not my usual cup of tea, fiction-wise, but still compelling. a fresh take on the white-male-english-professor-self-insert? but not insufferable. gets weird!

spinning silver by naomi novik (f)- rumplestilstkin, but make it interesting! a great, richly-told fairy tale, but like, large scale. good to read on a cold day while you’re wrapped up in a blanket with some hot tea.

interior chinatown by charles yu (f)- compulsively readable. a couple things bugged me, but not enough to make me dislike it. a fun companion piece to how to live safely in a science fictional universe. i like this guy’s style.

cannibalism by bill schutt (nf)- COOL. mostly covers the animal kingdom (fun), spends too much time on the donner party (less fun), ends with a SPICY take on prions that i cannot get out of my head!!!

buzz, sting, bite by anne sverdrup-thygeson (nf)- BUGS! broad but not overwhelming, neither dumbed down nor overly scientific, short enough to finish in a day or two. recommend this to literally everyone.

books that made me want to read everything else in the author’s ouevre:

the time invariance of snow by e. lily yu (f)- this FUCKS but it’s too short!!!

an unkindness of ghosts by rivers solomon (f)- okay this book is SO good and so well-written and interesting and blah blah blah all the good things, but... the whole time, i was just like?? why???? why is this what you’re choosing to write about??? (i did also read the deep and blood is another word for hunger after this one, and i did like them both, especially the latter, but i think they can do better! like i think they could write a perfect book and i am gonna be *eyes emoji* until then.)

the space between worlds by micaiah johnson (f)- a fine debut novel, but i want to see her do something a little more... idk, refined? i think she overreaches here, like it’s a little... idk looper? this is how you lose the time war? there’s a better comparison, but i can’t think of it, but you get the idea. and then halfway through it shifts gears to mad max. there’s something weird about one of the central relationships, like it’s not complex enough to take as long to resolve as it does. idk idk. there are just a lot of little nitpicky things. it’s not bad! but i think she can do better and i look forward to finding out.

postcolonial love poem by natalie diaz (p)- thinky! like i tried to read this before bed, but it’s not the sort of thing to parse out while you’re falling asleep, it requires more attention than that.

books that Learned Me Somethin:

smoke gets in your eyes by caitlin doughty (nf)- i am a self-professed death obsessed weirdo, fascinated by death and mourning, but i didn’t know all that much about what happens to a body between the dying and the funeral! this book isn’t big, but it covers a lot and doughty’s writing style is engaging and honest. it’s very memorable.

queer by meg-john barker and julia scheele (nf)- i’m gonna be totally honest and say Queer Theory is above my intellectual pay grade, but this book takes you by the hand and explains the basics.

vitamania by catherine price (nf)- LMAO my fellow americans, never take a supplement. this book is great and well-researched, but normal folks don’t need to read it, just listen to season two of the dream podcast, which definitely cribbed from this.

vegetable kingdom by bryant terry (nf)- this is a fine cookbook, my favorite of his that i’ve read so far. gets a special mention bc i had a religious experience just reading one of his kohlrabi recipes. absolutely gutted that i didn’t have an opportunity to try it this year, since the pandemic put the kibosh on all family bbqs.

the best american food writing 2020 edited by j. kenji lopez-alt (nf)- this really is just a great collection.

are prisons obsolete? by angela y. davis (nf)- yes.

i moved to los angeles to work in animation by natalie nourigat (nf)- before reading this, i had basically zero knowledge of how the animation industry works. now i know like three things.

the secret lives of bats by merlin tuttle (nf)- BATS! okay this book is more about the adventures of being a bat scientist than it actually is about bats, but there are bats in there. insectivorous bats basically shit glitter, you should know this.

books from valuable perspectives:

hood feminism by mikki kendall (nf)- a breakdown of who’s getting left out of feminist spaces, why that’s happening, and why it shouldn’t be happening.

all you can ever know by nicole chung (nf)- a (transracial) adoptee’s take on adoption and learning more about her birth family. the personal storytelling of this one really stuck with me.

motherhood so white by nefertiti austin (nf)- a single-mom-by-choice’s take on the foster system/adoption process. walks you through some things i always wondered about and some things i wouldn’t even have thought about.

this place by kateri akiwenzie-damm et al (? n/f)- i, like a lot of non- native americans, only know that history in broad strokes. getting this many highly specific stories in one dense and beautiful book felt like a lucky find. and taking that perspective into the future in the context of that history is v good.

empty by susan burton (nf)- eating disorder stories are important to me bc i care about food so much. this one is so relatable- not in its specificity, but rather its generality. it’s easy to empathize with her perspective because it’s like, Oh, i don’t have that exact problem, but i struggle with different problems in a very similar way. (feels like the opposite of roxane gay’s hunger, in a way.)

obit by victoria chang (p)- this exploration of grief is... woof.

short story collections are hard to evaluate bc you’ll never read one where every single story hits but i generally enjoyed these:

a thousand beginnings and endings edited by ellen oh and elsie chapman (f)

how long til black future month? by n.k. jemisin (f)

her body and other parties by carmen maria machado (f)

books i revisited:

the broken earth trilogy by n.k. jemisin (f)- i read the series backwards this time and like... i can’t really find any faults in these books, man. they’re just the best.

everyone’s a aliebn when ur a aliebn too by jomny sun (f... but is it really?)- half of this book’s sales are from me buying it for other people bc it’s the only way i know how to say i love you. i reread it every time just to make sure it still feels right and it always does.

other honorable mentions:

white is for witching by helen oyeyemi (f)- not to pit two bad bitches against each other, but this book does what akwaeke emezi’s freshwater was trying to do. it’s a little weird, a little haunted, a little of a lot of things. read this only in the dead of winter. (and with stephen rennicks’ score for the little stranger playing in the background.)

homie by danez smith (p)- there’s a lot going on here, but this just made me crack a smile a couple times in a way that no other book of poetry has ever done.

the murder of roger ackroyd and murder in mesopotamia by agatha christie (f)- That Bitch!

blues by nikki giovanni (p)- she sure has some Things To Say

the three-body problem by cixin liu (f)- interesting concepts, but... idk something’s missing? felt weirdly soulless to me. i’m probably not gonna read the sequels. but it did make some points!

the sisters of the winter wood by rena rossner (f)- i’m a slut for shapeshifting, okay. but this is a good fairy tale, it works!

parable of the sower by octavia butler (f)- i read this in march, when the pandemic was just kicking off and boy that was not the right time. def my least favorite of hers so far, but an octavia butler i don’t love is still better than a hell of a lot of other books. no idea when or if i’ll get to a good enough headspace for the sequel.

faves:

saturnino herrán by adriana zapett tapia (nf)- i got to learn new things about my mans and see some of his paintings i’ve never even seen online! GOSH.

on food and cooking by harold mcgee (nf)- yeah yeah, i’ve already mentioned this book half a dozen times on here this year, but i don’t care. this book lives off the shelf in my home bc i reference it like every other fucking day. this book is a part of me now.

[kimtanathegeek]

Two Brothers, Many Paths - Ch 29

Will Sans and Papyrus be able to make their way out? Or will it be the end for one of them? :(

Thanks for reading! :)

—

Undertale copyright Toby Fox

Story and original characters by me, Kimtana

Please do not use without both permission and credit.  

Read below, or read it on AO3 here.  

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The putrid stench hung heavily in the air like a damp fog, a miasma of decaying matter and waste-infused water. The droning clapping and splashing of the waterfalls casting their streams into a plummeting crash at their bases echoed against the walls too dark to see. The pitch darkness, void of the bioluminescence and natural illumination that was so abundant high above, engulfed the reservoir of refuse, as if trying to conceal its very existence. A single speck of light glinted in the gloom, flickering as it shook like a tiny star in the velvety night sky.

Sans stood on top of a shattered barrel on the bank of the mound closest to the set of waterfalls he believed stemmed from where they had been before his brother was swept from him. The blue bone shook in his grasp, held tight in his hand as he supported Papyrus in both his arms. Sans was exhausted, violently shivering from the cold, and panting through chattering teeth.

He glanced down at Papyrus, his head leaning against his lower left shoulder and chest. His eyes were closed, wanting nothing more than to sleep the remnants of his pain away. Sans furrowed his brow sadly, knowing that, although his bones had mended, Papyrus still needed to recover from his injuries with rest, food, and time. For now, however, his little brother needed to stay awake to cast the magic that would get them out of this horrendous place.

“P-P-Pap,” Sans whispered through chattering teeth. “W-we n-need a r-really long br-bridge, fr-from here t-to that s-side of the w-w-waterfall, on th-the w-wall.”

He indicated with the blue bone as Papyrus watched through half-closed eyes. Then, without a word, the little skeleton raised his right hand.

Four bones sprang from in front of them at the bank of the mound, shooting over the ever-running waters, until they buried themselves into the wall, several feet away from the churning base of the waterfall he had fallen from.

Sans looked at the bridge with amazement. His brother had rapidly improved with his bone magic, and he was extremely grateful that they had spent so much time practicing.

“G-good job, P-Pap,” Sans murmured as encouragingly as he could muster, nuzzling into his brother’s skull with his trembling chin.

He looked at the long stretch of bones, watching the waters lap against it, and felt his dizziness double just thinking about crossing it. He knew that he wouldn’t make it without falling over, so he carefully lowered himself to sit, keeping his brother tight in his grasp, falling the last few inches onto his rear with a painful bump. As he grunted in pain, Papyrus looked up at him, worriedly.

“S-s’ok, P-Pap,” Sans grinned feebly. “J-just b-bumped my b-butt.”

Papyrus didn’t seem thoroughly convinced, yet his weariness forced his eyes back shut.

Sans made sure he was centered on the narrow bridge, then, carefully holding Papyrus against him with his right arm, used his left hand to pull himself along the bridge on his rear, pushing with his bare heels against the bones.

He scooted backwards laboriously, inch by inch, blindly propelling himself up the bridge as the waters soaked his bottom. He wobbled a few times, shaking his head to regain his balance, as the darkness, noise, and his condition were extremely disorientating.

Eventually he reached the rocky wall of the sheer cliff face. He sighed deeply, knowing that they were one step closer to getting out, but the most difficult part was now ahead of them.

“P-Pap,” Sans stammered, almost needing to shout to be heard over the waterfall right next to them. “W-we n-need to cl-climb this w-wall.”

Papyrus opened his eyes halfway, looked up the cliff face that they were unable to see the top of, and turned his eyes to his brother. There was something in the weakened, apathetic look that Papyrus gave him that gave Sans the impression his brother was telling him “there is no way I can do that”.

“Y-you c-can do it, P-Pap,” Sans whispered, a hint of urgency in his voice. “I-it looks f-farther th-than it is. L-little by l-little, you c-can do it.”

Sans swayed where he sat, his eyes threatening to close. He shook his head again to snap himself out of it. He couldn’t rest yet.

Papyrus whimpered with concern for his brother. He knew something was wrong with Sans, which urged him to try. He looked back at the wall, considering it for a moment, then raised his right hand.

White bones shot from the wall in an upward slant, starting next to the bone bridge, and ending with a flat platform of several bones for a stopping point.

Sans gave his brother a gentle squeeze. “Th-that’s gr-great!”

He thought about the best way to ascend the steep bone stairway, shutting his eyes momentarily as his mind started to cloud over in a heavy fog.

Papyrus gasped softly as he watched his brother’s head droop, then Sans started to roll to the side as he was still clutched to his chest. They were going to topple off into the water.

“Sas!” he cried out fearfully.

Sans woke with a start, blinking rapidly. He realized he was tipping, and righted himself with a gasp.

“S-sorry,” he said groggily, still blinking. “I-I didn’t r-realize.... W-we have to g-get out of h-here.”

Sans looked back up at the bones, struggling to keep his thoughts focused. He shuddered heavily, then looked at Papyrus. His eyes fell on his brother’s scarf, still sodden, when an idea came to him.

“P-Pap,” he said, shivering terribly. “I-I’m g-gonna carry y-you on m-my back, a-and tie y-your sc-scarf around m-me so y-you don’t sl-slip. I-I n-need you t-to hang on t-to my sh-shoulders, o-ok?”

Papyrus nodded weakly, then started taking his scarf off. Sans helped him loosen it, then pulled it free.

He then sat Papyrus on the bone bridge so he could stand, gave him the blue bone to hold, and turned, offering his back to him. The little skeleton gripped his brother’s shoulders, the blue bone clutched in his left hand, as Sans swung one of the ends of the scarf around their backs, grabbing it around his other side. He brought the ends together, pulling them so that it was snug, and tied them in a knot. He slowly leaned forward onto the bone stairs, testing to make sure that Papyrus was secure. The little skeleton wrapped his arms around his brother’s neck in fear of falling, but was otherwise fine on his back.

With a deep breath, Sans began crawling up the bones, on his hands and knees, his little brother’s light skeletal body barely a burden. He started slowly, but the urge to get to the top pushed him to speed up slightly as he neared the little platform Papyrus had created at the top of the stairway. When he reached it, he remained on his hands and knees as Papyrus raised his right hand to create the next set, heading in the opposite direction and above the set they had just ascended, creating a zigzagged stairway.

Sans turned carefully to face the new set, his trembling body swiveling on the smooth bones. His dizziness caused him to lose his balance for a moment, but he quickly regained it, thankful that Papyrus didn’t seem to notice. Once again, he ascended the set until he reached the next platform.

As he rested on the platform, he leaned his head against the cliff face while Papyrus created the next set. They were near the waterfall again, and the spray misted over Sans, sending a deep shudder through his bones. He shut his eyes, just wanting to sleep and forget everything they’d been through. All he had to do was lay down and—

“Sas?” Papyrus was tugging at his brother’s neck.

Sans lazily opened his eyes. “Mmm?”

“C’mon Sas,” Papyrus said, a worried tone in his voice.

“Mmkay,” Sans murmured, turning to the new set.

This time Papyrus did notice when Sans’ arm buckled, leaning them a little too close to the edge.

“Sas!” he cried out, tightening his arms around Sans’ neck so hard, it choked him.

Sans held on to the bones tightly as he doubled over, his eyes shut tight and tearing up, coughing harshly. He gasped for breath, collapsing onto the stairway on his stomach as his limbs gave out. They slid down the bones, causing both skeletons to emit a small, startled cry. Sans grabbed onto the bones and held on firmly, panting for breath. Papyrus was whimpering on his back.

Sans shook sense back into his head, then proceeded to climb up the set, straining to keep his focus.

They ascended several sets of Papyrus’ bone stairways, and each time they came to the waterfall side, Sans looked up, hoping to see the top, but it was still too far from his view. So he continued slogging his way up the endless sets of stairs, his condition deteriorating with every bone step.

 -

 Sans knelt on yet another platform while Papyrus created a new set. He leaned against the cliff face, wanting nothing more than to lie down and sleep. The set was complete, but Sans just stared at it, breathing slowly.

Papyrus whimpered nervously on his brother’s back. Something was definitely wrong with Sans. He’d stopped shivering, so Papyrus thought that meant he was feeling better. But his brother had stumbled and swayed worse than he had lower down on the cliff face. They had nearly tipped over the edge countless times, and he was no longer sure that Sans realized he was doing so. He looked up—the top of the cliff had come into view a couple sets ago, and each one brought them closer. They just needed to go a little farther.

Sans started up the set—or rather, he fell towards it and used the momentum to urge him on. He, too, had seen that they were nearly there. But it was still so far away. They’d never reach it, what was the point of going on?

At the next platform, Sans rested as his brother created new bones, and decided that he was done. He turned and fell onto the set, reaching under him to untie the scarf.

Papyrus felt the scarf go slack and clutched to his brother, thinking it had accidentally come undone.

“Pap, yougo, gowanup,” Sans murmured, his face pressed into the bones, his words running together. “Leame here.”

Papyrus, who was still weak from his injuries, shook his head violently.

“No!” he cried. “Pa no leave Sas! We go home togevur!”

Sans didn’t answer. He was too tired to answer.

Papyrus nudged his brother’s shoulders. “Sas! Wake up! Wake up, Sas!”

Sans didn’t have the strength to open his eyes, but summoned strength to speak.

“Gonstay here. Ifyou donleave, I’ll rolloff, thenyou’ll hafta golone.”

This terrified Papyrus to his very core. He couldn’t bear to think of leaving his brother behind, but he also didn’t want him to fall off the edge into the depths, just so he would go on without him. He didn’t know what to do, so all he could do was bury his face in his brother’s damp shirt and weep.

Sans was semi-conscious, but he felt his brother’s warm tears on his back and heard him sobbing. It broke his heart, and roused him to try another set. He knotted the scarf clumsily, then crawled up the stairs, dragging himself on his stomach.

Papyrus had felt the scarf tighten around him and watched his brother slowly ascend. He stopped crying, a glimmer of hope that his brother hadn’t fully given up sparking in his soul. He nestled into his brother’s back, still scared of losing him.

Sans reached the platform, swaying on his hands and knees as Papyrus created another set.

“Almos dere, Sas,” he said, nudging his brother’s shoulder. “Jusa lil more.”

Sans gave a grunting sigh, unable to form an answer, then dragged himself up the set.

 -

 “Sas!” Papyrus shouted, looking up after making the last set. “We here! Look! Look! We here!”

Sans slumped against the cliff face, not responding through his rapid panting. The further up they had climbed, the warmer the air was, even with the chilled mists from the waterfall. Sans’ shivering had returned, but so had his alertness. However, he was thoroughly exhausted and desperately needed to get back to the shelter.

He looked up at the edge, his teeth chattering as they clenched in determination to finish this final stretch. He wobbled when he pushed away from the cliff face and collapsed on his stomach with a pained grunt, then achingly dragged himself up, bone by agonizing bone, until their heads were over the edge.

Papyrus saw his brother’s haversack and jacket near the cattail clusters, and his little bag and the pile of lucent gems in the little stretch of path sandwiched between the two waterways. He gasped happily, nudging his brother’s shoulders in his weakened excitement.

“Sas! Sas! We made it!”

Sans crawled off the last platform onto the soft, damp hydric soil, dragging himself and his brother several feet from the edge, then yanked to undo the knot of the scarf under him. When Papyrus was freed, Sans shut his eyes and heaved a heavy sigh.

Papyrus rolled off his brother’s back and stood up, shakily. His back, ribs, and neck were still in a great deal of pain, but he staggered over to his brother’s things.

Sans shivered on the ground, every inch of him hurting, his limbs aching and heavy, his fingers and toes burning and numb. Suddenly, he felt something cover him and opened his eyes slightly.

Papyrus had brought his jacket over and laid it on his shivering brother. He was now sitting next to him, rubbing his back vigorously to warm him up.

The sight of his jacket urged Sans to sit up, despite his body’s protests to stay down. He tried to pull of his damp shirt, but struggled, so Papyrus helped him. Once he was free of it, he put on his dry jacket and zipped it up to his chin, shuddering. Papyrus leaned against his brother to offer any additional warmth he could give, and shut his heavy eyes.

Sans sat, trembling from chills and exertion, putting his arm around his brother, and gave another deep sigh. They had made it.

The fog in Sans’ mind cleared enough that he remembered what was in his jacket pocket, and he gasped at the thought, shoved his hand in, and pulled out the bag of dried fruit. He shoved several pieces into his mouth, chewing their sweetness gratefully, then nudged his brother to take some as well, since Papyrus had used a great deal of his own magic up as well. Papyrus chewed the pieces slowly, too tired to care about the candy-like sweets he was just given.

Sans felt some of his pain ease, although his shivering continued. More importantly, he felt much of his fatigue dissipate—his magic was replenishing with the fruit. He ate another handful, feeling better with each swallow.

Although he was still in a seriously weakened state, he knew he needed to get up. He got to his feet, stumbling slightly when his knees buckled, and made his way to his haversack and shoes, as Papyrus sat watching him on the ground, too weak to stand back up.

Sans shoved his feet in his shoes, not even caring to tie the laces, and shouldered his haversack with a grunt. Then he saw his brother’s things and staggered over to the waterway. He looked down at it, far too weak and tired to jump over. He raised his left hand and grinned with chattering teeth as a white bone bridge was created—his magic was back. He shakily crossed the bridge, then knelt down beside his brother’s things.

He unshouldered his haversack and put his brother’s little bag inside, along with the pile of gems his brother had gathered. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a glint, and turned to look into the water.

There, sticking out of the mud of the bank, was a pink gem, just under the surface of the water. The memory of seeing his brother standing in about the same spot, bending over to reach something in the water, flashed in his mind. This is what his brother had been trying to reach. This was the thing that he had been trying to get when he fell and was swept away.

Sans reached in and pulled the gem out of the water and looked at it. To the jeweler, a pink gem cost 200 gold. This gem, however, had almost cost his brother his life.

The impulse to throw the gem over the edge where his brother had almost died rose up in Sans, but as he turned around, he saw his brother looking over at him. His face had fallen as he sat there, sad and ashamed. Sans felt a lump in his throat.

Sans looked down at the gem, gripping it in fingers trembling with cold and anger. He shut his eyes tightly, then opened them as he put the pink gem in the haversack with the others.

His brother almost died for that gem. He was collecting them to help get food and supplies. He was just trying to help.... How could he throw away the gem his brother risked his life to try to get?

Sans shouldered his bag, teetering slightly, then crossed the bridge. After making his bone bridge and the blue bone next to Papyrus disappear, he went over to his brother and grinned weakly.

“L-let’s g-go home.”

Papyrus stood up, still on the verge of tears, and picked up his scarf and his brother’s shirt. Sans tied his damp shirt around one of the bag’s straps and gently wrapped the scarf around his brother’s neck. Then he held out his hand, which Papyrus took hold of.

Sans shut his eyes and took a step, the rushing wind biting against his chilled bones.

Then he felt the warmth. The soothing, comforting warmth of their shelter.

He opened his eyes, knowing what he would see before his eyes saw it.

It was so good to be home.

The two skeletons changed out of their damp clothing, dried themselves on the toasty rough cloth from the fire room, and put on fresh, warm clothes. They smiled at each other, both reveling in the feeling of the fabrics on chilled bones.

Sans looked at the pile of wet clothes in need of washing, still reeking from the decayed filth that covered them, but decided against it. They could wait. They weren’t important right now.

He took the pot from the side of the basin, filled with warmed water, and shakily poured some into their two cups. The brothers drank the warm water gratefully, feeling it warm their insides.

Both of them were full from the mushrooms and dried fruit, so they were spared having to prepare any food. Instead, Sans grabbed extra fabrics from the fire room and laid them on the bed. He helped Papyrus into bed and put his haversack at the head, gently lifting his brother’s head to lay on it.

Papyrus tugged Teddy into a warm embrace as Sans slid into the bed, pulling the warm fabrics over them. He made his blue bones disappear, then rolled over to take his brother into his arms.

He wanted to hug him as tight as he could, happy to have him back, relieved that he wasn’t lost forever, grateful that he had survived a fall that could have killed him.... But he held him gently, not wanting to re-injure his fully healed bones. He remembered the pain during his recovery, despite his brother completely healing his injuries. So he hugged him closely, but not too tight.

Papyrus fell asleep in minutes, sleep that would help him heal further. He fell into slumber as he clutched his brother, afraid to let go.

Sans nuzzled into his brother’s head. Despite the nightmare they had endured, they were now all right. Yes, they had to recover—Papyrus especially—but for now, they were safe, warm, and together.

The magical fire gently blazed in the other room, sending its heat through the shelter to comfort its inhabitants as it dried away the remnants of the moisture from their clothes and bones. The flame watched over the sleeping brothers, embracing them with its soothing warmth and soft glow.

[jessmalia]

bittersweet | 05

pairing: stiles stilisnki x oc a/n: this first scene was so difficult to write because how do you even begin to describe Stiles’ reaction to making first line? especially from Stiles’ perspective? well, the answer I came up with after spending very long trying to write that scene is: you don’t. it’s impossible. you all probably remember his reaction from the show, so just try to look past my awful descriptions and just imagine that. I will be eternally grateful.  wordcount: 942 warnings: none. 

<<prev || masterlist || next>>

Stiles

“Everybody decent in here?” asked Coach, stepping into the locker room. He was wearing a shirt that said: Respect the Coach. “Okay, good.” He gave Valerie the okay to walk in behind him and blew his whistle. 

“All right, geniuses, listen up,” he said once he’s gotten everyone's attention. “Due to the recent pinkeye epidemic, thank you, Greenberg, the following people have made first line on a probationary basis.”

“Emphasis on the word probationary,” Valerie butted in, and Coach nodded in agreement. Wait- new people have made first line? That could be me. Oh my god, that could be me. I looked over at Scott but he didn’t seem nearly as excited. 

Valerie handed Coach the list, and he began reading.

“Rodriguez.” 

A few scattered applause followed, and I reluctantly clapped my hands. Rodriguez was a jerk.

“Welcome to first line. Taylor, and...” Here it was. The last person. I was either gonna make first line and actually play my very first lacrosse game, or I was going to be benched as usual. “Uh, I can’t really read your handwriting, Valerie.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Coach. My dyslexia kinda makes spelling a bit difficult,” Valerie said as innocently as she could, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. The fake tone never would’ve fooled me, but Coach seemed to buy it. 

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” he said, trying to be reassuring. Which honestly wasn’t his strong suit. “I can read it. Okay, what is that? An S?” 

An S? Oh my god. My last name starts with an S! Could this really- 

“No, no, that’ s not an S. That’s a- that’s a B.” Of fucking course. “That’s a B! It’s definitely a B. Uh, Rodriguez, Taylor and uh, Bilinski.”

Hit by the surprise that it was actually me, I stood up and started yelling out in joy.

“Bilinski!”

“Yes?” I stopped yelling. 

“Shut up!” 

A few people chuckled, including Valerie. I knew that her bad spelling being an accident was a total lie. Ever since a teacher accidentally called me ‘Bilinski’ in 6th grade she’s been trying to convince as many teachers as possible that it was my actual name. 

“Yes, sir,” I said, sitting down on the bench again. 

“Another thing,” said Coach. “From here on out, immediately, we’re switching to co-captains. Congratulations, McCall.”  

The already silent room seemed to become even quieter. Everyone waiting for the inevitable wrath of Jackass Withmore. 

“What?” asked Jackson. 

“What do you mean, ‘what’?” asked Coach. “Jackson, this takes nothing away from you. This is about combining separate strengths into one unit. This is about taking your unit, McCall’s unit, we’re making one big unit. McCall, it’s you and Jackson now. Everybody else...” Coach blew his whistle. “Asses on the field! Asses on the field!”

---

3rd person 

“Are you not freaking out? I’m freaking out,” Stiles said as he and Scott walked out of the locker room, heading for the lacrosse field. 

“What’s the point?” asked Scott. “It’s just a stupid title. And I could practically smell the jealousy in there.”

Stiles immediately stopped walking, holding his arm out to stop his friend as well.  

“What. You smell jealousy?” he asked. 

Scott nodded. “Yeah, it’s like the full moon is turning everything up to ten.”

Stiles contemplates what his friend just said. “Huh... mm, can you pick up on stuff like - I don’t know, desire?” he asked. Trying, and failing, to look nonchalant.  

Scott furrowed his brows in confusion. “What do you mean ‘desire’?”

“Like, sexual desire,” he said, continuing his nonchalant act that no one was buying. 

“Sexual desire?” Scott clarifies, raising his eyebrows. 

Stiles finally drops his nonchalant act out of impatience. “Yeah, sexual desire! Lust, passion, arousal.”

Scott looked down the hall and sighed. “From Lydia?”

“What?” Stiles jerked his head back. “No, in a general, broad sense, can you determine sexual desire.”

“From Lydia to you?”

“Fine, yes! From Lydia to me. Look, I need to know if I have a chance with this girl, okay?

“Why don’t you just ask her?” Scott asked. 

“Well, to save myself utterly crushing humiliation. Thank you, Scott. So, please, can you just go up and ask her if she likes me? See if her heartbeat rises, pheromones come out.” He shrugged, gesturing with his hand what was supposed to be pheromones coming out of his head. 

Scott sighed. The full moon was seriously messing with his head, making him uncharacteristically annoyed at his best friends antics, but... Stiles was still his best friend, and the full moon wasn’t out yet. So even though he thought the idea was pointless and stupid, he closed his eyes and concentrated on the scent of desire (yes, he knows what it smelt like, no, don’t ask) preparing to be able to detect it and- 

“Um excuse me?”

Scott’s eyebrows furrowed. He could smell it already? If he’d been honest he didn’t think Lydia would like Stiles one bit so - wait... he hadn’t even walked up to Lydia yet. 

He opened his eyes and saw Valerie standing behind him and Stiles. Stiles’ ears reddened. 

“Uh, did you just hear that entire conversation?” he asked, scratching the back of his neck. Valerie rolled her eyes. 

“No. And I’d rather not hear the rest of it. So if you two could stop blocking the hallway that would be great.”

Stiles stepped to the side but Scott was way too dazed to move. By the time Valerie had walked by them, he’d completely forgotten about the smell.

“That was close,” Stiles said, looking down the way Valerie had disappeared. “So what do you say? Can you?”

“I- Fine.”

–––

taglist: @idontgiveahufflefuck64 @woyee

bittersweet taglist: @stiles-o-dylan24  @theholydestiny @1967-chevy-impala-called-roscoe @cherry-sweet-cherry @kingidols-blog @xceafh @purple286 @bilesxbilinskixlahey @chipster-21 @profoundscissorshandsdiplomat

[snkpolls]

SnK S3E20 Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 287 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 279 Responses

This episode was another hit with most viewers, with 74.6% of participants ranking it 5 out of 5.

Just brilliant. Best series.

This was the first episode I’d been excited for in weeks. With the serum bowl I was dreading the last three episodes but the Marley Arc is my fave and I’m super super excited for what comes next in the anime.

The music was incredible and Grisha's VA stole the show.

The best of this season yet!

This season has now given us 2 (two) episodes WITHOUT openings and both times the episodes blew me away. I’m so stoked for the fourth season

I'd say it was a pretty solid episode. I can't believe we've finally made it to Marley, I am so not ready for the nonstop angst that is to come…

Anime quality was ass again, but the plot and voice acting make this a fantastic episode overall

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SCENES WAS THE MOST MEMORABLE? 282 Responses

There were several informative and memorable scenes. 45.7% of participants thought Kruger’s big reveal was the highlight, while 12.1% can’t decide what stuck out the most. 9.9% of participants felt Dina becoming the Smiling Titan made the biggest impression.

DO YOU THINK GRISHA’S FATHER WAS RIGHT IN EASILY DEMEANING HIMSELF AND GRISHA TO GROSS? 270 Responses

Though Grisha’s father yielded to the Marleyan police regarding Faye’s death, 77.4% of participants believed he was right to prevent the rest of his family meeting a similar fate. 15.6% thought he should have shown a bit of resistance towards Gross’s accusations. Many in the comments agree the situation is simply not that black and white.

It's not whether it's 'right' or 'wrong' in these situations - if your options are the death of your family or satisfying your own feelings of dignity, then I think it's up to the individual what their priority is. But I think it is not a sign of weakness to put your family first.

He probably hated himself for doing it (at least I'd do), but losing another loved one would be horrible for anyone in his situation, so I can understand why he did that.

I can't really answer with clear 'yes' or 'no'. On one side, He was right to protect the rest of his family, on the other... He could try to comfort Grisha in a better way (you know, not yelling at him to be silent)

No, but I think he could’ve dealt with Grisha more privately. He didn’t have to continue with his indoctrination of Grisha.

I think it's complicated

no one is right or wrong here.

SERGEANT MAJOR GROSS STATED THAT “PEOPLE LOSE TOUCH WITH LIFE AND DEATH AND START TAKING THEIR LIVES FOR GRANTED." DO YOU THINK THERE IS TRUTH TO WHAT HE SAYS? 283 Responses

Gross told Grisha that people took their lives for granted when losing touch with life and death. 60.4% of participants think there is truth to his words even if his actions are morbid. 27.2% believe he just said this to excuse his cruelty.

Idk but him staring into my soul made me unconfortable

That is true, but it doesn't actually justify or support his position. We're SUPPOSED to all have the luxury and privilege of 'taking life for granted', as he puts it - that's why humanity has worked so fucking long to improve society to this point! We shouldn't have to think in life-or-death terms to consider ourselves worthy of living.

There is truth, but it's obvious that it's more words for him justifying his horrible actions more than a maxime which guides his life. If it were so, he wouldn't have been scared and screaming when the titan eat him.

Yes, but he's just making excuses for his sadistic mind.

DO YOU THINK HUMANS IN GENERAL BECOME INTERESTED IN VIOLENCE? 284 Responses

The episode observes humans and their reaction to violence, Gross saying he finds it interesting. 49.6% of participants believe that most people are interested in violence, while 40.1% specify that it depends on how violent the event is.

The most interesting part of the episode is Gross addressing the viewer over making his victim dance. Part of SnK is watching some victim being devored by the lions. Be it Faye to the dogs, Mike to the titans, Eren's squad to the titans in Trost, Carla to Dina, Marco to Araki Titan, Bert to Armin... the reactions however differ. Some of us came to see characters fighting and get eaten by giant monsters, but as the story progressed, our point of view differed and it became disgust for the most part.

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT GROSS'S DEATH? 281 Responses

Gross’s death was a gruesome one, but 53.4% participants were satisfied he got what they feel he deserved. 17.1% were less comfortable by the irony of the situation, and 13.2% found his struggle enjoyable.

Watching reaction videos where people cheer on Gross getting his face chopped on kinda unsettled me, I'm not gonna lie.

IS FAYE’S DEATH THE CRUELEST MOMENT IN THE SERIES? 282 Responses

Being torn apart by dogs is a disturbing way to go and 46.8% of participants felt it was the cruelest moment of the series thus far. 45.4%, however, believed there were crueler moments worthy of mention.

I didn't think Faye's death was the cruelest because let's face it, Mike's was the absolute worst. :(

GIVEN HOW HE TREATED ZEKE, DO YOU THINK GRISHA IMPROVED AS A FATHER WHEN IT CAME TO EREN? 280 Responses

Though Grisha didn’t show a lot of compassion for Zeke as a son, 55.4% of participants believed he learned to be a better father for Eren as a result. 24.3% would rather have more information before saying for sure, and 20.4% of participants felt Grisha didn’t quite change his ways. 

GRISHA STATED THAT YMIR “BROUGHT BOUNDLESS PROSPERITY” TO THE WORLD. WHEN GRICE QUESTIONED THAT, GRISHA RETORTED WITH THE FACT THAT HE “BELIEVED IN YMIR”. WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED? 282 Responses

There was a mix of histories regarding Ymir Fritz. 50% of participants believed Ymir may have brought prosperity but that Grisha was also jumping to conclusions without context. 40.4% of participants thought Grisha was just seeing what he wanted to see.

Grisha’s va knocked it out of the park this week. The episode made me re-think whether grisha actually could read any of the sacred texts. Was he just BSing the whole way through? Will we ever know what they say in that case?

BEST ROGUE TITAN DESIGN? 282 Responses

Out of the three Rogue titan designs, a majority 62.8% of participants thought Eren’s was the most physically appealing.

Best Rogue Titan design? That's not even a question. ITS ALWAYS ERENS. LOL

HOW FAITHFUL WAS THE ADAPTATION TO THE ORIGINAL MANGA? 276 Responses

A majority of manga readers believed the episode was mostly faithful to the original chapters, with 54.3% believing it was nearly perfect. Others felt the episode could have been more accurate.

Great, pacing was a little quick but I think the anime adaptation explained everything a bit better than the anime. I had to go back and read those chapters like 3 times to fully understand everything lol. I do wish they didn't cut lines from the warrior selection announcement though. Overall great though!

Great adaptation. They should've cut the ending too, so they wouldn't need to cut some parts, but it was as close to perfection either way.

I'm sad that they omitted so much when Marley announces the Marley warrior program. Besides that I think it was an amazing episode.

Was thoroughly impressed with how they managed to adapt two of the most dense chapters into a single ep without any significant cuts. The artwork for the Eldia/Marley lore was gorgeous, and the performances were as expected, phenomenal. Kruger's transformation was breathtaking, as was the OST. Definitely one of the best episodes of the season. Also, Marina Inoue saying "Shingeki no Kyojin" in the preview gave me chills.

KRUGER'S HAIR: BLOND OR BLACK? 282 Responses

Kruger’s hair was colored dirty blond in the anime compared to the darker shade in the manga. 47.5% of participants felt that either color choice worked well for him, while 39.4% preferred his black hair.

kruger is a dirty blonde colour imo ;p

I’m just over the moon to finally see The Owl aka Kruger animated with a voice.

The color scheme in this series has always been weird. Not that Isayama himself is limited palette-wise, but the colors have been much sober than WIT's multicolor fest. Kruger's hair are meant to be black or dark brown. Isayama draws blonde/hazelnut hair with full lines. Same goes with the uniform: Isayama uses frames for dark colors (the SC's green coat ie), ink for black and dark blue. Anime already made odd choices with Mikasa's scarf (black in the manga) or Armin's eyes (brown).

Always thought Kruger was brunette

After last week's preview I thought Kruger with blond hair was weird but having watched this week's episode I think it fits better with the blue uniform and the show's colour palette. Besides, he still looks hot so all is fine lol

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE APPEARANCE OF MARLEY? 282 Responses

A majority 60.3% of participants believe Marley’s appearance was just as modern as they expected it. 29.4% of participants thought it appeared more lavished.

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE CENSORSHIP FOR SOME OF THE GRAPHIC SCENES? 283 Responses

Some of the more graphic scenes were censored in the anime, but 53% of participants aren’t bothered by it. 35.7% of participants were disappointed that some parts weren’t shown as a result and 11.3% felt it was appropriate to censor the more graphic scenes.

I don't mind Grisha's penis as well as the gory parts being censored (it's NHK after all), but the censorship comes across as convenient for the series. They omitted some marleyans officers saying Gross was going too far, or masked the details of the warrior program: no full confirmation of RBA being trained into infancy to be promoted at the status of Honorary Marleyans. Conbine that with the RBZ+Pieck scenes from this season being watered down and you have the anime making it even more black and white than the manga.

ISAYAMA ASKED THE ANIME TO HIGHLIGHT GROSS’ SPEECH TO BREAK THE 4TH WALL AS A “CALL OUT” TO THE VIEWER.  WAS THIS DIRECTION SUCCESSFUL? 277 Responses

Gross’s 4th wall break was a request made by Isayama to address the viewer as he spoke. 65.3% of participants felt the direction made them feel more called out than when they originally read it. 24.9% can’t relate to what Gross is saying in the first place.

His eyes that never left the spectator's gaze froze my blood, it was really very successfully made.

I get what Isayama was trying to do but there's a huge difference between being sadistic knowing that it's fictional and being sadistic in real life

Honestly I didn't even know that he broke the 4th wall until I took this poll.

I didn't feel like what he was saying pertained to me because I've always been repulsed by his mentality and justifications.I think it says more about Isayama that he felt this was something that needed to be broadcast to society.

The speech wasn't as well done in the anime. I think he broke the 4th wall in the manga pretty well.

The Gross 4th wall break didn't really deliver in the end. Wish it was more obvious (eye contact, zoom in, voice acting)

It would have been a lot more successful if he'd written the call out to come from someone less sadistic and despicable. It's hard to reflect like that on words that came from a character that had a nine year old child eaten alive by dogs.

considering i had no idea it was meant to be a callout, i'd say it failed

WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN WITH YMIR’S BACKSTORY FLASHBACK NEXT EPISODE? 280 Responses

Since Ymir’s backstory was moved to Season 2, 39.3% believe that Historia reading the letter will show Ymir’s death instead of the entire flashback. 35.7% of participants think the scene will just show a cut down version of the backstory with Ymir’s narration in the background. 21.1% believe that the backstory will be shown again with some tweak to the narration.

Fuck man I dunno, maybe they'll play some interval music and Ymir will tapdance

I feel like the one disappointing thing about this part in the manga is that Ymir died offscreen. This would be a good change and I wouldn’t mind a teaser of Galliard also.

The backstory shown in season 2 wasnt the letter 1/1 right? Then just have the letter read out and have slightly altered images of her story

I got no idea which way they'll go, but WIT will do her story justice, no doubt about that

They will recycle s2's animation and that's it. If they show Ymir's fate, kudos to them, considering they've been pretty lazy with additional content so far.

THE ANIME ADAPTED EREN'S LINE AFTER WAKING UP AS "WHO AM I?" WAS THIS A MORE APPROPRIATE PHRASE THAN THE TRANSLATIONS ABOUT EREN USING DIFFERENT JAPANESE PRONOUNS OR HAVING A DIFFERENT VOICE? 280 Responses

In the manga, Armin comments on Eren’s change of pronouns when he first wakes up, but the anime changed this line to “Who am I?” 38.6% of participants thought this change made more sense in context. 30.7% of participants didn’t realize there was a change, and 21.4% thought the manga made enough sense for it not to warrant a change.

I feel like this episode is where we lost Eren as he once was. The change wasn't immediate, but this is the impetus. All that information, all those memories. The boy has started to become a man.

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 284 Responses

Of the scenes that were shown, a majority of 52.1% of participants are most looking forward to more conversation between Kruger and Grisha.

Historia is lookin fine in the preview

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

Just a nitpick but I wish Kruger’s attack titan was animated more in destroying the boat since it felt more like a colored panel; I’m still happy how it turned it though! Maybe there might be additional animation next episode but I can only hope :’D

This episode was beautifully done. The voice acting really knocked it out of the park, especially Grisha's. His screams, holy shit. I got chills. Kruger's voice was also brilliant, just that perfect blend of nonchalant and forbidding. What I found interesting was the VA for young Grisha sounded so much like Kaji Yuuki! I saw in the credits that it wasn't actually him, but what an excellent casting choice!

Needs more Floch

KRUGER!!!!

This S3P2 has to have the weirdest pacing I've ever seen: the 2ch1ep formula doesn't work at all for backstories like Grisha's, considering the whole worldbuilding is unleashed. That being said, the preview from last episode's accustomed the anime-onlys to the outside world, but combining chapter 86 and 87 leaves no time to breathe properly.

Thinking back on it, wasn’t this Grisha’s first time seeing Titans in the flesh, and eating a person right in front of him?

I had hoped Kruger's hat toss would be more dramatic, but alas, t'wasn't. Other than that, went pretty good

They pronounce 'Zeke' completely different from how I imagined it would sound.

Perfect, especially the final scene. I knew what was coming, but seeing the restorationists become the Trost Titans, the Dina reveal, and Owl transformation was something else. That sequence is on par with Reiner/Bertholdt reveal and Erwin’s charge as best scenes in the series. At least for the anime so far.

I thought this episode was kind of disappointing. Maybe it's just because I really dislike the tone shift that came with the Marley stuff, but I thought the manga handled all this exposition kind of awkwardly and was hoping for better from the anime. Nope, the only thing improving it is that it won't be drawn out for months between chapters this time.

Bby Zook my boi, must protecc at all costs, so innocent, so pure

In one episode all this information WAS WAY TOO MUCH! poor anime-only fans lmao

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 265 Responses

Thanks again to everyone who participated! We’ll see you again in a few days!

[amnesiacgrian]

Chapter 2 - Abyss

Part 1

I hardly slept that night, for obvious reasons. The only thing running through my head was the note I had found. Trust no one… what an ominous message. I wonder who would’ve left that with me.

With the rising sun came Mumbo’s awakening, slowly but surely. I pretended I had been sleeping as well, slowly forcing myself to stand from my cramped position and stretch. The note crumpled in my hand, reminding me to store it away. Keep suspicions away for now.

But why was that note so… terrifying? It was words on paper, basically nothing, yet somehow it felt so much more sinister than just that. I dunno, I guess it bothered me. It felt like it should be a secret, something closely guarded.

I could feel Mumbo’s eyes on me, watching my thought process go down quickly, so in response I blinked up at him tiredly. “Hello Mumbo. How’d you sleep?”

He shrugged, not speaking right now. He looked about half-awake as he wandered to a chest, pulling out some eggs and pork. Those went into a furnace, laid overtop coals and left to cook up.

I glanced out the window at the sun rising over this small island, reflecting off the vast ocean right outside. It was blinding, the waves reflecting crystals of light into my eyes. I could see a boat in the distance, half-built and partially shrouded by early morning mist.

“Here,” Mumbo held out some of the eggs in my direction, a small smile on his face. “Breakfast.”

“Thanks.” I smiled back, taking the tray and devouring the food. I was much more hungry than first imagined… but then again, I can’t remember the last time I actually ate anything. Like, I could remember eating food obviously, but no actual meals.

As the last bites were taken care of, a small knock came from the floor entrance of the treehouse. Mumbo popped open the trapdoor with a foot, his plate still in his hands, and in came a new person.

She was honestly adorable. Dark brown hair with pure white ends, bright eyes the same shade as the oak bark to my left. Her pink and white cardigan went well with her white blouse and blue skirt, and her smile made me blush.

“Oh, hello!” She saw me, grinning. “Glad Iskall warned me you were awake. I’m StressMonster, but call me Stress.”

“Oh, uh… I’m Grian.” I waved a small bit, trying not to fumble too much. I turned down to the floor, kicking at it a small bit.

“And I’m chopped liver,” Mumbo helped Stress up the ladder and into the treehouse. Her wings were pure white, larger than you’d expect for a person her size, folded tightly to her back. She giggled, running a hand through her hair mindlessly.

“So it’s obvious that the few hours I took to actually sleep were when everything exciting happened. Glad to be of use.” I enjoyed her thick accent, the teasing lilt making us all smile.

“Stress-” Mumbo sighed, shaking his head. Stress giggled, winking his direction. “Whatever, is there any progress?”

“Sadly no. No exit Portals can be opened.” Stress shifted from left to right, seeming unable to stay still. Her smile became a little more forced, voice turning serious. “I have a daughter that I need to go see, I need to get out of here-”

“We know, Stress. Everyone has family out of Hermitcraft.” Mumbo pulled her into a hug, making me feel suddenly like I was… intruding, on a situation I knew nothing about. “I’m sure we’ll get out of here soon.”

“So from what I’m understanding,” I butted into the conversation, “The only way out of this place is blocked, and… no one can fix this?”

Stress and Mumbo shared a look, knowing something I didn’t. I pretended not to notice right away, letting Stress say something.

“For now, it’s… better that we let the Admins suss this one out. Speaking of which, X asked me to bring Grian over to his base for an Admin Scan.”

The slight brow crease of worry in Mumbo’s brow making me wonder what an Admin Scan exactly meant. “I thought X was going to come here and do that.”

“He was. Initially.” Stress shrugged a bit. “But now he’s needing Grian to be in his base to actually do the Scan. Something about closer to the Data Center?”

“Where is he holed up these days?”

“Some farms near the coast. He showed me around before I came here.”

Mumbo huffed, turning to dig in a chest. “I’ll take you there then. If something happens to Grian on the way there it’s on my head.”

“I’m right here,” I quietly protested, slightly cross at the way these two talked like I wasn’t here. Stress giggled, flashing me a grin.

“We know,” She opened the trapdoor to the ground, “That’s the problem.”

Before I could ask anything else, she had dropped. She launched into the air, wings spreading around herself gracefully. I watched in awe, before getting a nudge from behind me.

Mumbo was there, holding two pairs of wings. “Everyone gets an elytra this season. You wanted to fly?”

~~

Flying was so much easier than I could ever imagine.

We had started out at the very top of Mumbo’s treehouse, where I learned how to strap the wings to my body. As I connected the final strap, the wings morphed into a dark brown, reddish streaks at the very tips giving the impression of feathers.

Mumbo’s wings were black, specked with white like flecks of paint. They were long and wide, while mine were short and angled.

“Ready?” He smiled, holding a rocket in his hand. I glanced to the sky where Stress was lazily doing loops, blending in with the clouds in the infinite blue.

“Yeah. Just… jump and light, right?” I held the rocket in my hand as well, the pull-tab ready for release.

“Right,” Mumbo looked forward, determined, “One… two… three!”

We leapt off the tree at the same time, fumbling in nearly the same manner to unfold the wings. I pulled on the tab a bit before Mumbo, letting the rocket shoot me up into the sky.

Like it was natural, I pressed a button near my chest, and the elytra expanded behind me. I felt my ascent slow, angling forward into a glide easily. The breeze blowing on my face, the way the land below was so far yet steadily rising up… this all felt so…

Familiar.

I was laughing, doing loops carelessly. The air felt fresh, untouched, unchanged. I glanced down, gliding upside down, to see ^V^80 shaking 4!$ head at my antics.

“Grian!”

I gasped, realizing my fall had picked up, I was heading down headfirst to the ground. I fumbled for another rocket, but it was too late. I crashed into the ground hard, dust flying around -

- And I shot up in the middle of some small island. I sat in the middle of a beach, warm sand below my legs. The elytra that had been pinned to my back was gone, along with the note that had been in my pocket.

I panicked, checking everywhere on me for the note. Nothing. The note was gone, gone, gone-

“I knew you didn’t sleep last night!”

I jumped a solid meter in the air, turning rapidly to see the moustached man named Mumbo coming in for a landing. In one hand was the rocket he was using to fly, the other holding the back-to-grey elytra I had worn a moment ago.

“Uh… wh-what do you mean?” I grinned sheepishly, walking towards where he touched down in the sand. The elytra was thrust in my arms, and I was quick to strap it back on.

“You would have respawned in the treehouse if you had slept last night. It’s just how this works. Instead you popped up here.”

I shrugged, finishing attaching the elytra. “So what if I didn’t sleep? Does it matter?”

“Not currently, but give it a few nights.”

“What does that-” Before I could finish my question he had taken off, leaving me to fumble with another rocket and launch into the air.

I followed Mumbo’s lead back to his base, where Stress was pacing on top of the tree anxiously. Her eyes locked onto us as we came in for a landing, a relieved smile taking over her face when I stumbled forward.

“What the bloody hell was that?” Stress walked forward, fussing with my sweater. “One moment you were fine - better than any newbie has the right to be - the next you’re falling to the ground headfirst!”

“I…” I shrugged, pulling back from Stress quickly. “I don’t know. It was weird, I saw…”

What exactly did I see? It was like I was looking down at someone, but they weren’t there. Not really, at least.

“It was like… someone was there, but not.” I looked back up at the duo before me. “The ground was different, and I wasn’t flying down. I… I dunno.”

“Weird,” Mumbo glanced to the sky, where the sun was rising higher and higher. “I would love to chat more about that, but we should get to Xisuma’s base before he has a cow.”

“Right.” Stress flexed her wings, looking to the sky as well. “Follow me.”

~

...Xisuma’s ‘base’ was a bunch of farms with a mineshaft heading downwards. Xisuma himself was interesting. His bright green armor, clashing with a grey and purple helmet gave off the aura of mystery.

“It’s not much, just to get me started,” The man in question smiled sheepishly, leading us to a makeshift dirt-hut with a bed, “But it’s something.”

“I like it,” Stress grinned, “Quite quaint.”

“Thank you Stress for pretending.” He ruffled her hair as she puffed her cheeks out in a pout. I smiled as well, adoring their interaction. Mumbo had taken up a spot sitting nearby on a pile of logs, tinkering with some redstone to keep himself busy.

“Anyways, we should start now.” X gestured to his bed in the hut. “Lie down there before I black you out on your feet.”

Well that didn’t sound bad at all.

“How… exactly does this work?” I questioned, settling onto the bed. I stayed sitting up in the bed as he pulled a holographic panel out of nowhere.

X glanced at me curiously. “Well… everyone has Data. You know what Data is, right?”

“Mate, I know jack about jack.” The snap had me a bit surprised, worried that Xisuma was gonna take it as an insult, but he just laughed a bit.

“Right. Mumbo warned me about the memory stuff…” He sighed. “Well essentially everyone is made of their own Data, which Servers use to identify each person. It’s kind of complicated, but really important to our very existence.”

I nodded a bit. “So… how does that fit into the Scanny-thingy?”

“Well when I perform an Admin Scan, I can have access to your Data. Your Data contains everything about you. Memories, most importantly. By seeing your memories, I’ll maybe be able to figure out how you got here. So lie down, and we can get started.”

With a sigh, I flopped back onto the comfortable sheets. I couldn’t see what X was doing over me, but Stress squeezed my hand from nearby.

“I hope it all works out. I have some base stuff to get back to, but give me a ring if you need me.” She pulled her hand away, before leaving the small hut. The door clicked shut behind her, leaving X and myself alone in the darkness. I knew Mumbo was just outside, but that wasn’t quite as reassuring as I had hoped it would be.

His tablet thingy glowed a faint blue as he paced the small area. “Alright, we’re about ready to go. Close your eyes, and try not to resist this.”

“Resist?” I closed my eyes as requested. “What do you mean, resist?”

He didn’t answer. Well, he might have, if I didn’t suddenly fall through the ground. My eyes shot up as I fell, arms and legs flailing for any kind of purchase. I tried to spread my elytra, but found it missing, along with anything else I had been carrying on my person.

“Try not to resist this.”

Oh. He probably meant this. I took a shaky breath, doing my best to still my body. I was still falling, but I knew I wouldn’t crash. I took another deep breath.

Images appeared around me. I had my eyes closed, and within the blackness I could see movement, color coming to life. Somehow I knew this was all me, or parts of me.

Yet every time I tried to focus on one of the scenes floating around my body, it vanished. It was like grasping at straws, coming up with nothing.

A dull pain came from my back. It was like something was shifting, pushing, breaking free of my skin from underneath. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t scream as the pain grew more and more.

The moment the pain grew too much, I jerked forward and out of the bed. My eyes were open, and breathing was still an issue through the pain. The stabbing, slicing ache slowly faded into nothing as I became more aware of the fact that I was awake.

“Grian.” X had been kneeling in front of me, hadn’t he? “What happened?”

“Back,” I managed to squeak out, another ripple of pain making me jerk, “Hurts.”

“Can I see?” Such a gentleman, asking for my consent amidst the agony. I could only nod a bit, wincing as his cool hands slid the back of my sweater up.

Or, tried to.

Something was trapped there, yanking on my back. I cried out, jerking away from X’s hands.

“Grian, I need to be able to see your back. I need to make sure it’s not a glitch or… something worse.”

A glitch? I had no idea what that meant, but if X was mentioning it it was probably bad. He slowly slid my sweater off, making sure it didn’t get caught on my back again.

Whatever had been there before was gone. Supposedly, I had faint scars right next to each of my shoulder blades, but otherwise there was nothing to suggest pain other than the phantom memories I had.

“And the Scan? Complete failure. I couldn’t glean anything from your Data before you started screaming… and I’d rather not hurt you again.”

“So… there’s no other way for you to figure out who I am, or why I’m here?” I could hear the disappointment in my voice, and I hated it.

“Sadly no. I wish I could do more.” He seemed frustrated, but also… somewhat excited. “I’ll figure it out soon enough, but for now I should get you back to Mumbo’s.”

I nodded, standing and following him out of the dirt hut. The pain was but a faint echo in my mind now, but it felt like foreshadowing. Something big was going on here… and I had no idea who was responsible.

[peachymess]

1/2 Peachy I would love your opinion on a post I came across. Spoiler warning.... The post goes over Armin's crying scene, they say that Armin was actually moved my Yelena's words and how Armin has changed for the worst over the years. How he just wants to sit and talk etc...ah I wish I could link u the post on this. It's in the Armin tag and it's a recent post. I would love your feed back on that. I'm just kinda paranoid and worried for Armin, I could see him actually being moved by those words

2/2 to find the post the title is “Armin was pretending to fool yellena”?“ I kinda worry for him, I seen a lot of theories that he’s faking it or that his emotions were real but what came out of his mouth was a lie. I also saw your post that another Anon asked over Armin’s crying and that could also be it. Reading your post I kinda got reminded of how Armin has lied to Bert on Annie and also lied to the female Titan of crushing his best friend to distract her.

Hi, anon. I’m sorry; I really wanted to write a thorough meta for this, but I simply don’t have the time. I got this on my way to work yesterday evening, and today will consist of packing until I’m picked up to head to the family cabin (no net there; only on phone). I’ll be staying there till the 22nd of April, and I’ll be busy until the 25th. I would have saved the asks and replied once I’m back, had the topic not had a, probably, short expiration date. Meaning, I assume you’ve probably either landed on something, or there’s just a few days until a new chapter might give further answers, by the time I can actually get to it. However, if, at the end of April, you still wonder, feel free to ask me again about this topic. You’re right, I already gave a general reply, and I’ll give another. If I write another, deeper diving meta about this, it will only be to build up under the thoughts and arguments I have already given. Because, short answer to all of this is: I believe Armin is faking it, in hopes of getting an upper hand out of it. Armin has faked stuff and played on emotions like this before. He lied about Annie to reach Bert (and Reiner’s) emotions twice, he played on Eren’s trust in him during the Return arc - so that Eren wouldn’t catch on to his plan of self-sacrifice (if you don’t remember, Armin knew Eren wouldn’t go along with the plan if he told him the planned endgame, so the moment Eren started to ask himself what Armin was getting at, Armin pulls the “I’ll back out before I get too hurt, I promise; would I ever lie to you?”), he withheld the planned endgame from Jean and Mikasa for the same reason (aka, he knew their emotions could get in the way of them allowing him to sacrifice himself), he woke Eren twice from titan from by appealing to their dream (emotions) - the second time even when he thought he wouldn’t see it (read: he thought to himself “if this plan works, I’ll probably never see the ocean”, and then stabs Eren in the neck and says “Eren, wake up, we’re going to see the ocean”; lied). He also sweet-talked Annie into helping him, by talking about good vs bad people, and how she’d be a bad person to him if she didn’t help him - because we’re all human, and we have an instinctual need to be liked by others (especially if we like or respect the person in question, which Annie did). Armin also lied about his best friend been crushed under her foot, to (among other things) save Jean’s life; by faking his emotional distress over seeing his friend dead - as in, using emotional manipulation. 

My point is, Armin understands people’s emotions very well, he analyses situations well. He knows how to use that to his advantage. If he is faking it with Yelena, it would not only be “in character”, it would be textbook Armin. Even more textbook Armin, than him being generally moved to tears by words. I haven’t looked into what exactly it is Yelena says yet, but by word of mouth, she talks about their work being remembered past their own deaths (among other things). Armin doesn’t want/need to be remembered. You have to think about what his goals and desires are. He doesn’t want bloodshed. He would want every single person to live, if there was a way for it. Even if what they do gets remembered for centuries, do you think he’d be happy if what they did, was to commit genocide? 

Again, I don’t know Yelena’s stance in detail, nor her words to Armin, but I know their positions pre-116: opposite sides. Words will not sway Armin from one to the other. He has an analytical mind, and he has thought about both sides already, from many angles, I am sure. He has picked the side he morally believes in. And because he has thought about it thoroughly, I doubt that simply phrasing the (in his mind) “wrong side” in a certain way, will suddenly convince him to agree with it. If people, words or emotional appeal would convince him, don’t you think his best friend would have been able to get him on board these past 4 years? Armin and Eren are torn because their morals have garnered considerable distance to one another (or so it seems), and Armin will rather uphold his morals than break bread with someone over a treasured friendship (and before anyone goes after Armin for that, remember it takes two to tango; the exact same could be said about Eren).

What more, think about the story aspect of this. Firstly, what was the point of the scene? What was the point of showing Armin getting on Yelena’s good side? Either it’s to show Armin’s development into being a Zeke-follower - but if that isn’t it (which I don’t believe), then the point was that Armin having Yelena around his little finger, will become an asset to him later. He can use it to influence her choices/actions, to free his friends, etc. Where would the story take him, if Isayama makes Armin suddenly side with Yelena? It looks like a dead end to me, especially this late in the game. What will happen next, if Armin goes over to Yelena/Zeke’s side? Eren is gonna throw Zeke a curveball, which means the parties will split into three (if not more). This would leave Armin (still) opposite to Eren, but also opposite to Mikasa. Which would make it finally easy(er) for Mikasa to go against Armin over Eren. And after Mikasa reluctantly sides with Eren to take down Armin, who becomes a side of his own, then what…? We return to Eren vs SC, just like before? A dead-end loop. Of course, there’s a lot of room here, and I honestly won’t pretend to know what the future of this story holds. I will, however, trust my knowledge of Armin enough to say I highly doubt that Armin is being moved to tears over some fanatic’s words. It’s all about motivation here. I already mentioned it, but that’s because it’s such an important thing to look at. You cry when something resonates with you. What about Yelena’s words, would resonate with Armin’s ultimate goals? 

… Because his goals are the same today, as they’ve always been: as much peace as possible, for the smallest price possible. I’m still eager to hear him talk about his dream (ocean, northern lights, etc.) again, just to see where his stance is on that now (it’s the only part of him I won’t confidently guess at), but that’s somewhat irrelevant right now. The point I’m trying to get to is this: Armin hasn’t changed for the worse. He hasn’t changed at all. What has changed, is Eren’s opinion on Armin and his ideals. Before, Eren admired him, now he’s impatient with him. I don’t think I heard anyone talking about Armin’s morals changed, before Eren brought it up at the round table. Because Armin hasn’t changed; what Eren said, he said (either) because he’s convinced himself of it, and (or) because he wanted Armin to start doubting his own mind/motivations. Armin’s strength is his mind, and as long as he thinks he can trust his own judgement, he will be solidly in place (as he has been for 4 years). Topple that confidence, and he might finally, possibly be susceptible to manipulation. That would be to Eren’s great benefit. I think that’s part of why he said it. But he’s wrong either way. And I think that went over parts of the fandom’s heads. 

Because whether Armin has Bertolt’s memories or not, he is still himself. If all the shifters were just an empty shell of the shifter that came before them, then Bertolt wasn’t himself either; he would in turn have been the shell of the previous one, who was a shell of the one before him, etc. Even with shifter influence, that function only works, if it’s at most partial (except for, possibly, exceptions under special circumstances that Armin don’t meet). Look at all the shifters; there is enough evidence to say with certainty, that they are to some degree their own person, with wishes and feelings connected specifically to them. Things from previous people might be added, but not everything from the pre-shifter holder is taken away. Just look at the BRA chemistry: Reiner and Bertolt are friends, and Annie is going “meh” on the sideline. Fat chance the original colossal, armored and female had the exact same dynamic as the BRA trio had pre-shifters, yet they are the same trio before and after becoming shifters.

Armin has tried to talk things out with the enemy before. He tried to talk to Bertolt in the return arc, he tried to talk to Bert and Reiner when they were running away. He generally wants to understand the enemy, and for them to in turn understand him. He believes that if they can find common understanding, they can find common ground. Him wanting to build bridges with the other countries has nothing to do with Bertolt’s memories, and it is not something he “wouldn’t have wanted before”. Remember how upset he was when he shot the MP lady? She was an enemy, but he was still so distraught he puked and cried his heart out. Remember in the return arc when they blew Reiner to bits (one of several times, lol)? Armin looks at him, tears in eyes, and expresses that he is heartbroken that it had to come to that because there was no room for talking. He explicitly mentions how he regrets that they weren’t able to talk it out. Armin Arlert has always wanted to pursue the most peaceful solutions! This is not new! And I was going to dedicate a large chunk on my meta just for this, but sadly, I don’t have the time. I have talked about this many, many times; talked about how he’s not a pacifist, as some claim he is, because he is not - but that he, instead, feels like they have a duty to make sure the violent option they choose, is still the least violent option. He would let a thousand men die if it meant saving the rest of the world. But not before he is confident that there isn’t a way to sacrifice only a hundred for the same outcome! 

1. Zeke and Yelena’s plan is to kill probably several thousands, to save the rest of the world. Armin thinks they can save the world by sacrificing considerably less than several thousands. That is why, no matter how pretty Yelena makes it sound, her plan will never move Armin to tears. 

2. Armin’s morals have not changed; he’s always wanted to save as many people as possible and to get as far as he can with communication. His first line in this damn story is about how if you abandon arguments and resort to violence instead, it means you’re in the wrong. 

3. … Yet he’s not a pacifist. When there is no other solution, he will restore to violence. Eren forced his hand with Marley, and what did Armin do? He didn’t stand passively by; he did the only thing that was left to do to proceed: blow up the harbor. When Jean was about to get shot, what did he do? He shot that MP in the face. He doesn’t like violence, and he wants to avoid it as much as possible, but he recognizes that if communication doesn’t get you all the way, violence will cover the rest. However, he feels that they all have a duty to exhaust all possibilities before turning to violence (”the end justifies the means - if you were mindful of the means”). That is why he and Eren now differs: Armin feels that Eren is no longer attempting to look for less horrific means, and instead going for the first thing plan that comes to mind. And it’s making Armin question his morals; if Eren truly cared about everyone, would he not also - just like Armin - desire to spend at least some time to think and analyze, and test the waters of less horrific plans? Eren, on the other hand, seems to feel pressed for time, and has no patience for Armin’s “lingering”, and thus grows angry and refuses to put himself in Armin’s shoes to try and understand why he “lingers” against the enemy. Pick what side you want, but Eren is wrong in the way he sees Armin. And the fandom should realize this and not so readily take his reprimand of Armin as facts. Armin has not changed. … but I know I’m seen as biased in Armin’s favor, just like that post you read sounds to be biased against him. And since I have no time, I’d encourage you to seek out @momtaku; she’s given good, believable, objective analysis of Armin before and I trust her to treat him fairly. She writes metas a lot more than I do these days, so - though with fear of sending too much work her way - I’d suggest you ask her what she makes of the scene. Either way, that’s enough of my rambling. I hope that no matter what, anon, you are able to de-stress somehow. SNK makes me worry a whole lot too, but Armin stepping away from his greatest strength (good judgement) at the last hour, is not one of those worries.  

(PS: I didn’t read that post you talked about, I don’t have the time, but if there is a fair point in it that I don’t cover, feel free to ask me about that part specifically. Also, had I read it, I would have sourced it and tagged the author so that there is no shade). 

[acehotel]

“Patience Is A Vulture”: An Interview with Creative Growth Artist Ray Vickers

Ray Vickers thinks it’s “un-American not to have a pet.” It just is. The Oakland-born and bred artist also wants you to know about the exact Thursday he was born, his 120-pound dog named Ace (maybe our favorite dog name to date) and his popular series of dead rabbit illustrations. For this edition of Inside Job — a monthly artists’ series led by LAND Gallery’s Sophia Cosmadopoulos — Vickers chats about his nine years at Creative Growth, his artistic process and all the animals that he’s taken care of.

Creative Growth is an Oakland-based non-profit that serves artists with developmental, mental and physical disabilities, providing a professional studio environment for artistic development, gallery exhibition and representation.

Ray Vickers: Did you know patience is a vulture, ain’t that how it go?

Sophia Cosmadopoulos: I think the saying is patience is a virtue.

RV: I think it’s vulture. And if I found your phone and gave it to you, that’s called a good samurai?

SC: It’s whatever you want it to be. Is that some pepperoni on your drawing?

RV: Oh my goodness [brushes it off]. I told my mom and sister last week, a few days ago, if I see someone, a man, doing a horrible crime, I would take my belt off and spank him. If I see a man doing a crime, I would whoop him. I would hit him with his belt in my right hand and take my belt off and whoop him with my left.  

SC: So a double whoop?

RV: Yeah, so what questions you got for me?

SC: Well, would you like to start off by introducing yourself? RV: I’m god. No, I’m not. I am Ray Vickers. V-I-C-K-E-R-S, period. We are in Oakland, California. I was born and raised out here, lemme see, about 31 years. I am 31. Been on this earth 31 years. I lived in Hayward years ago for a short period. But I have been in Oakland pretty much all these years.

SC: Yeah, I grew up out here too. But in San Francisco.

RV: It’s freezing out there, huh? I heard because it be by the ocean.

SC: It is definitely foggier. But now I live in New York where it gets really cold. Have you ever been out there?

RV: No, I can’t really travel because of my pets. I got my two dogs and I got my lizard. And nobody can really feed my lizard his worms. I have a bearded dragon and I feed him mealworms — they are about an inch. My mom will hold my lizard but she won’t feed him worms. So nobody will feed my lizard worms, nobody will walk my dog, he’s nine, he’s 120 pounds, he’s strong. So he used to pull me when I walk him, but he doesn’t pull me no more. So I take his leash and I put it around my waist and I take the leash and I put it around his neck, you know, a chain collar, but he doesn’t really pull me like he used to. His name is Ace.

SC: And what is your lizard’s name?

RV: Jax. J-A-X. He turned a year old on April 19, 2019. I got him when he was small but he’s still growing. He has autism, he don’t like changes. I kiss him on the lips. He don’t like changes. I chilled with him yesterday for about an hour, but I didn’t have time for him on Tuesday or Wednesday. So I picked him up yesterday and he was mad at me because I couldn’t hold him on Tuesday or Wednesday and he tried to bite me. But I told him, if he bite me, I am not going to feed him. It took about 30 seconds and he calmed down. Then I picked him up and I put him, you know, to chill in my pocket for a little bit. I let him sleep. I can pick him up and he can be on my shoulder, chilling with me.

SC: I have never heard of a lizard with autism.

RV: Yeah, it happens. They can have ADD, ADHD, all that.

SC: When did you first start coming to Creative Growth?

RV: Almost nine years, I believe. I come here four days a week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. But Tuesdays I am here from 9:30 to two o’clock because I leave to do my dog walking job, walking my friend’s dog for an hour. She’s a German Shepherd mix. She’s not big, she’s medium, she’s still strong. I leave today at 2:45, I do a dog walking job. But since the time change, unfortunately I don’t get home till about close to five o’clock, where it’s almost dark and dangerous. I hate to be out in a dark period. You know, I have a big dog and I have pepper spray but I still hate to be out in the dark, because that’s when a lot of badness happens. So I leave here every Tuesday about two o’clock on the nose. I am here four days a week.

SC: Can you describe an average day here at Creative Growth? RV: It has its days. It’s good. It’s like, me? I have autism and I say and do stuff without thinking, but I know how to control my impulsiveness here. Like if I saw you talking to somebody, I wouldn’t walk up behind you and talk to you, because I know how to control my ADD and everything. I wouldn’t just butt in and say something because I have R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

SC: And can you describe your artwork to me?

RV: I just draw whatever is in my head. Something simple, nothing fancy. I do dead rabbits that a lot of people like. I don’t know why people like them, but they do. They sell quick.

SC: When did you start making work about dead rabbits?

RV: Well I was watching TV and I had a freezer in my room. I was watching TV and I had a step, kinda like a stairway thing, a step stool, and it fell on my freezer, and my freezer had a dent in it and I looked at the dent, and I automatically thought of a rabbit. But the real part was, I was watching a show called Heroes, I don’t know if you heard of it, but about 30 seconds later, after the commercial, they showed a guy on there killing a rabbit. It was weird because right before that happened an image of a rabbit popped in my head on my freezer. So I started drawing them, and then everybody liked them. So I started making them out of wood and everything and on paper.

SC: And who is killing those rabbits?

RV: It varies. It could be those teddy bears killing them. Because you know those rabbits with the red eyes? I love animals, don’t get me wrong, but you know those rabbits with the red eyes? It scares the holy guacamole out of me. I ain’t gonna lie, it scares the crap out of me. The rabbits with the red eyes? That’s scary. I took my chances with petting a pitbull on the street more than once, I haven’t been attacked by one. But the rabbits with the red eyes? Wowee. I ain’t petting one of those. It would bite my fingers off.

SC: And what’s your process when you draw them?

RV: I just draw them, I just use the main colors, red for the blood, pink is for the ears — no, wait — pink is for the stomach and a purplish color for the ears. I use a hot glue gun to bring out the whiskers. When I see a rabbit with red eyes, it scares the crap out of me, I don’t know why. The next time I see a rabbit, I will leave it alone. As long as it’s cool with me, I am cool with it. Because I have ADD and everything — my mind, it never stops processing everything. Like September 11th happened on a Tuesday. There are just certain things that I can’t forget. I was born on a Thursday, August 20, 1987 and I still remember that I was born on a Thursday. And the 1989 earthquake, you heard about that one? I was two years old and I remember when that happened. There are just certain things I can’t forget, it’s like a gift and a curse.

SC: How long have you been working on your art?

RV: I was drawing as a kid. I was drawing Sonic the Hedgehog and stuff like that. But I didn’t start coming here till like about almost nine years. I was just at home with my leopard gecko. I was just at home watching TV playing PS2 with my leopard gecko on my shoulder. I was just sitting there watching TV with nothing to do and I heard about this place here and I started three days a week. Now I go here four days a week.

SC: Do you like going to exhibitions at Creative Growth or at outside galleries?

RV: Yeah I don’t go to all of them, just certain ones. I always say, if my work ain’t in it, I don’t come.

SC: What are your goals for your art?

RV: I want to go big, you know, platinum? Nah, just to sell, but I would never be cocky if I was rich because the most money I ever had, probably was about one thousand, three and a half, four years ago here. But I am not cocky with money or nothing like that. It’s like I am good at certain things, but I don’t be bragging about it.

SC: What do you do outside of the studio?

RV: I go to Comic Con. The next Comic Con I am going to is August of this year. I remember the first time I was there about three or four years ago, I was there from like 9:40 in the morning to literally 3:00pm. I walked around the whole day, never did sit down. What happened last year was, all I ate was a crummy little bag of trail mix peanuts. That’s all I had. I collect action figures. Like, when people say I’m too old to collect action figures — I’m 31 — they’re probably jealous because they ain’t got the money like I do. Because I’m 31 and I probably have 300 action figures.

SC: Wow, that’s amazing. Can you tell me a little bit more about yourself and how you grew up?

RV: I was born and raised in Oakland. Never knew who my dad was, real mom died when I was 16 and I couldn’t cry because I never lived with her, I was never close. So my main focus was watching Spiderman and cartoons in the 1990s and then going to Comic Con. I used to have a leopard gecko, now I have a bearded dragon, a bulldog and a Newfoundland.

SC: It seems like you’re a real animal guy. What’s your favorite animal?

RV: My favorite reptile would be a bearded dragon, still my favorite reptile. I like snakes too. Any animals, I am all for — any animals. I was learning something the other day — that caterpillars, I think it was in Australia — no, London, that caterpillars can actually make silk like spiders and they can silken up houses and trees and cars and all that kind of stuff. A monarch butterfly can fly 1,100 feet in the air. An armadillo’s shell is literally pretty much bulletproof, and they can actually give people leprosy. I was learning a lot of stuff on the animal shows.

SC: You’ve told me a lot about your lizard, what about your dogs?

RV: Both my dogs get along fine, but the bulldog, I actually found her four years ago by the bus stop. And I couldn’t leave her there, and I promised myself that I wasn’t gonna bring home another dog, because I had a Pomeranian, but unfortunately she had to be put to sleep because she kept having seizures. So I ended up bringing home the bulldog. I walk my dogs. I just walk, if it’s raining, I’m still walking. I don’t mind walking, because I walk everyday for an hour. Yeah, because today I got my two hour and fifteen minute walk in today. If it’s hot, cold, rainy, I’m still walking. Now if it’s thundering and lightning and hailing, I ain’t crazy. I am crazy, but I don’t get struck by lightning. I ain’t trying to get struck by lightning. I don’t wanna be in a coma for six months sitting on my ass. I would miss a lot in six months, I would be missing all my shows, my dog would be missing everything.

SC: That’s right, I heard that you have rescued a lot of animals, tell me about that.

RV: Yeah, the smallest dog I ever saved, like almost four years ago? Her name is Clara, our teacher Mady has her. She was real, real, real, real small when I found her, lemme see, that was about almost four years ago. She was probably not even bigger than my shoe. I found her by the bus stop and that’s when I had my long skateboard. And I couldn’t leave her there, she was with another dog, so I picked her up and brought her on the bus. And when I skateboarded here, she was in my backpack, because I never really fall, and then I said Mady, I got something for you, so I reached in my backpack and got it for her. I have rescued about four or five dogs total. I am good with animals. I hate to see dogs roaming the streets. Even this past Tuesday I was walking home, there’s this one dog and I thought it was a boy so I named it Homeboy, but I just found out this morning that she’s a girl, so I gotta change her name to Homegirl. She’s a chow mix. Whenever I see her, I always give her food.

SC: Do you ever bring your pets to Creative Growth?

RV: No. Well, my lizard is autistic, he doesn’t like changes. He’s only used to me. Like if anybody else try to hold him, he gets kind of spicy. But then if I hold him, he’ll come chill with me for like three to four hours. I be chilling with him. I got a thousand pictures of him. It’s un-American not to have a pet. Everybody should have one. I go to PetSmart. My mom says she’s allergic to snakes but she’s not, she just doesn’t like snakes. So if I could get a snake, a long time ago, I would have, but my mom doesn’t like snakes.

SC: Any last words, Ray?

RV: Patience is a vulture. And, if somebody tells you you are a horrible artist or you’re too old to do this or that, don’t listen to them because haters are gonna hate. And as Stan Lee would say, “Enough said.”

[dark0angel13]

Awakening

Waking up was like trying to move after being hit by a train and part of me wished it wasn’t just a hangover. I groaned when the bright lights hit my too sensitive eyes; worse still my head was pounding like there was someone in there with a damn jackhammer and my stomach was threatening to let go of all the whiskey I had the night before.

Looking around had me feeling sick and I made a mental promise to myself to never drink an entire handle of Fireball again. Said bottle was lying toppled over next to my bed and I glared at it as if it knew the damage it caused. Stupid fucking bottle. Taking a deep breath I rubbed my temples in frustration and nearly jumped out of my skin when my phone rang beside me. I debated on letting it ring but one look at the caller ID said that if I didn’t answer I could kiss my job goodbye. Shit.

“Hello?” My voice cracked as I spoke and just the effort to talk had my stomach threatening to roll again.  

“Sarah I need you to come in today. Michelle called out last minute and you’re the only one with the experience to do this.” Amber’s voice was stern but I could hear the underlying panic in it when she spoke. I mentally groaned and rubbed my eyes.

“What time do you need me in? I still feel really sick.” Which wasn’t exactly a lie but she didn’t need to know that.  

“I need you from two to ten if you can. I can always send you home early if you can’t do the full shift but I could really use your help.”  Ah shit here she goes with the fucking ‘praise the sick girl so she feels bad enough to come into work’ routine.  My alarm clock read ten thirty seven so I had some time to at least try and sober up before having to go in but the good thing was that if I was working then I didn’t have to deal with Drake if he showed up again.

“Yeah I’ll be in at two.” Was all I could say for fear of bursting into tears. Why did my life have to suck so bad?

“Thank you! I will make it up to you I swear!” Well that sounded familiar. Probably because I said it to Drake yesterday when I left him lying in the hallway. The line went dead and I tossed my phone and closed my eyes. Great, now I have to suffer through an eight hour work night when I should be off because Michelle didn’t feel like going in. Lazy bitch. If she didn’t want to work she shouldn’t have gotten a fucking job.

My mind wandered back to yesterday and I briefly wondered why Drake was in the building at that time of morning. He should have been in class, not wandering the dorm. Maybe he finished early. It was possible; he was one of those talented jerks that didn’t have to study to pass a test. Another reason to hate his sexy guts. While I was thinking about him and his strange behavior my mind traveled to Rachel who had also seemed to be acting weird yesterday. Was it really because of the full moon? Don’t be ridiculous that’s only in movies. I really needed to stop letting my imagination run wild or it would surely come back to bite me in the ass one day.

The more I tried to understand why they were both acting weird, the more my head pounded and eventually I gave up and pulled myself out of bed and towards the bathroom. If I was going to go into work then I needed to look presentable and going in while still dressed in last night’s clothes and reeking of booze was only going to get me fired.

Once clean and rid of the smell of whiskey I padded back into my room and sighed in exasperation at the thought of going into work on what was supposed to be my day off. At least all I had to do was sit at a desk and offer tech support for a software company instead of actually walking anywhere.  

By the time I had to leave for work I had donned a pair of grey dress slacks and a cotton button up shirt. Top that off with a nice black jacket and I looked like one of those soulless saps who worked at a dead end job day in and day out only to have their very being sucked out little by little by the big company. Almost like being an actual lawyer. I smirked at the irony and grabbed my purse and phone before heading out.

Fate, it seemed, liked sticking me in awkward situations to laugh as I struggle through them. Before me, coming up the stairs with his hands in his pockets and a relaxed look in his eyes, was Drake. His sandy brown hair was messy as if he had just rolled out of bed, and his stripped polo shirt had the first button undone. His white washed jeans accentuated his no doubt perfect legs and his Nikes only made him look better. I mentally groaned again. I did not need a distraction of Drake caliber right then.

“Oh hey Sarah I’m glad I caught you before….uh where are you going?” His words were like Tylenol to my pounding headache and just the tones had me sighing. His eyes showed curiosity but his smile said he liked what he saw. Great.

“I have to work today.” I spared him an apologetic look as I passed him on the stairs.

“I thought you had today off?” He grabbed my wrist to stop me and I would have fallen down the stairs had he not been holding onto me. I flashed him a glare as I yanked my hand free and all but spat at him.

“I got called in. I told you I wasn’t gonna hang out with you tonight.”  

“Woah you don’t have to be snappy Sarah I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. Rick tends to be an ass around girls he doesn’t know.” He sounded sincere but part of me had a feeling he was hiding something.

“Don’t worry about it. And if your friend gets like that then tell him to stay home next time.” I was still being snappy but he deserved it after what I had to deal with the day before.

“I didn’t know you two were going to be there, honest. It was just a coincidence that we ran into you.” He paused for a moment as his eyes traveled to the floor before coming back to rest on me, “I was hoping you might have changed your mind about dinner tonight…I really wanna take you out and apologize again for yesterday, I wasn’t really myself and I want to make it up to you.”

That time I knew he was telling me the truth. I have no idea how I could tell but a part of me had no doubt he was being honest with me about it. Now I kind of felt bad about shouting at him. It didn’t change the fact that I had to work though.

“I said it’s fine so stop apologizing. I do have to work tonight though, so I can’t.” I had begun walking again and it wasn’t until I reached the last step that he spoke up again.

“Well what time are you scheduled to get off tonight? I’ll come pick you up and we can have a late dinner, even if it’s just us grabbing a pizza or burger somewhere and coming back here. I really feel like I need to make this up to you Sarah…please let me make this up to you.”

My heart was racing at just the sound of his voice, what the fuck would I do if we actually went out just the two of us? Lord I really needed a life. “Uh…yeah that sounds okay I guess. I get off at ten so you can come and pick me up at the software company on Franklin Street.”

“You work all the way in Boston?” His voice went from normal to shocked in seconds and I wondered why he was so surprised.

“Yeah I need a job and this one was the only one that paid well and had flexible hours for my schooling.”

“What do you do there?” He was walking beside me as he spoke, his hands still stuffed into his pockets.

I cast him a sideways smirk, “Maybe I’ll tell you tonight. See you around ten?”  

His eyes lit up and a huge grin spread across his face and in that instant, he reminded me of a little boy. His expression was innocent and his smile genuine as he nodded eagerly, “Hell yeah! I’ll pick you up tonight Sarah!” Seconds later he was bounding off towards the common grounds and the school girl part of me had butterflies in her stomach.

As I boarded the train into Boston my mind was racing in about one hundred different directions. Oh my God, I was going on a date with Drake Winsor. I smiled to myself as I took a look at my reflection in the window. I was going on a date dressed like a fucking flight attendant. Great.

-

-

-

“Oh thank you so much for doing this for me Sarah. I owe you big time!” Amber pulled me into a hug as I walked through the doors and immediately I knew something was wrong.  

“What is it that you’re not telling me Amber? I don’t get this kind of reaction just for a shift cover.” I narrowed my eyes when she did her best to avoid looking at me. Fuck.

“Well…” She began to twiddle her thumbs and the sinking feeling in my stomach got worse.

I groaned, “No….please tell me I’m not here to wipe systems.” Her facial expression said I was right and I groaned again. “Amber you know I hate doing that! How could you do this to me?”

“I know Sarah I’m sorry but you are the only one with enough knowledge and experience that I trust to do this. You don’t have to leave the building, hell you don’t even have to talk to anyone. All you have to do is go down to sub-level two and work on the systems. Apparently the head of this branch has a big meeting tomorrow and those systems are going to be needed. Once you’re done you can go home I promise. And you can have the rest of the week off. I know you have finals so I won’t ask you to come in for the rest of this week. Just please do this.” She clasped her hands together to beg and the nice person that I was sighed and gave in. I’m such a pushover.  

“Alright fine. I’ll do this but I’m gone the second I’m done. Got it?”

“Yes! Got it! You can leave as soon as this is done. Thank you again!” She was running in the opposite direction before I could say anything else so I glared after her for a second before rubbing my temples and turning for the elevators.

Once I stepped out and got a look at the room my knees collapsed beneath me. “Are you fucking kidding me?” my shout rang out across the empty room as my eyes scanned system after system. There must have been over twenty fucking computers down here. Anger rose within me like a tidal wave, and had it not been for the good pay and the incentive of the rest of the week off, I would have stormed back up there and rung Amber’s scrawny little neck. I looked at the clock and sighed. Two fifteen, just fuck me. I was never going to get out of here before fucking midnight let alone ten.  

Sitting down at the first computer I sighed and turned it on to bring up the command prompt. Once I got the system to wipe I sat back and pulled out my phone. I could only do one at a time and each once took twenty minutes so I might as well occupy myself with Netflix while I waited. This was going to be a long shift. Fuck my life.

-

-

-

I don’t know how much time had passed until my phone rang but when it did I nearly jumped out of my skin. The number wasn’t one I recognized but I decided to answer anyway.

“Hello?”

“Sarah Rose Blackwell.” It was a statement more than a question and the woman on the other end sounded rushed, demanding almost. My heart skipped a beat and I looked at the number again hoping to somehow recognize the woman’s voice but nothing was coming to mind.

“Who is this and how do you know my name?” I couldn’t keep the shaking from my tones as I replied, my eyes darting around the room on instinct.

“That’s not important at the moment. Sarah you need to listen to me very carefully. Stay away from Drake Winsor.”

My head was spinning at this point as my brain tried, and failed, to comprehend just what it was that this woman was trying to tell me.

“Wait what? How do you know Drake? What is going on here?”

“Sarah listen!” Her shout made me jump and apologize automatically before she continued, “Don’t worry about how I know this just listen to me. Drake Winsor is dangerous and you need to stay away from him.”

“Woah okay hold on a minute. Drake Winsor? Dangerous? What are you talking about lady?”

She sighed heavily and I could hear her agitation. Clearly I wasn’t listening.

“Sarah just shut up and listen to me. Don’t let Drake inside Sarah. It is very important that you do not let that man inside that building.”

“Why? All I’m doing is wiping computer systems. It doesn’t take a top secret security clearance to get into this building anyway so-“

“It’s not about the building Sarah. It’s about your safety. If you let him inside, he will kill you.” She cut me off and scared me stiff with one single sentence and I didn’t know whether she was kidding or not.

“You’re joking right? This is some kind of test?” My voice sounded surprisingly calm for how my heart was pounding.

“Does it sound like I’m testing you Sarah?” Her tone was harsh and I could hear her patience wearing thin.

“No…” Was all I could think to respond with.

“Good girl. Whatever you do make sure you don’t end up alone with him. Drake Winsor is a very dangerous man Sarah. Do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening. When you finish work you are to call Rachel to come get you. If she doesn’t answer, call a cab.” I had no time to respond or even make a sound before the line was dead and I was left standing there confused and scared.

My hands were shaking and my heart was pounding so hard I was sure it would burst through my chest at any second as I looked around the room again. Nothing popped out at me and no strange noises met my ears but all of a sudden it felt like the entire room was watching me. Paranoia hit like a truck and all of a sudden I just wanted to go home. I couldn’t be in this room any longer, I had to get out. Sprinting for the elevator was the first thing I did once I shut down the remaining computers, my phone gripped so tight in my hand my knuckles were white.

The hall, like the room, was empty save for the night cleaner five doors down but that information did little to ease the chaos that was my nerves. I no sooner hit the button that my phone rang again, causing me to suck in a panicked breath and stiffen. My blood seemed to run cold in my veins and for a second I couldn’t move. It was Drake. It wasn’t until I missed the call and he tried again that I forced myself to act.

“Hello?” I did my best to sound relaxed but I don’t think I managed that very well.

“Hey Sarah. You okay? You sound flustered.” His voice was smooth and out of reflex my heart fluttered and my muscles tensed and relaxed at just the sound of him.

“Yeah, just busy with work is all. My boss didn’t explain the entire situation so I got bombarded when I got here. I probably won’t be done for a while;  I will have to take a rain check on that date.” Lying was easier with the slight exasperation in my voice and he seemed to buy it rather quickly.

“That’s too bad I was looking forward to it. I don’t suppose there is any chance of you being able to leave early?” I could hear the disappointment but nothing seemed out of the ordinary for him and I briefly wondered if that woman was telling me the truth.

“Afraid not. The CEO needs the computers I’m working on for a meeting tomorrow and I can’t leave until they’re all done. I still have about ten to go. I’m not getting out of here any time soon.”

“Well, what if I picked up a pizza? You could let me in and I could keep you company while you finish your work. Then we could…”  

I stopped listening to him as the woman’s words raced through my mind. Don’t let Drake inside. If you let him inside he will kill you. Don’t let Drake inside. Don’t let Drake inside. My heart was racing and my body didn’t want to move.  Before me stood an open elevator, and beyond that, freedom from whatever it was that I was afraid of, but before I could do anything his voice rang in my ear again, bringing me back to the frightening reality.

“Sarah? Hey are you still there? Hello?”  

“Yeah sorry I’m here I just got distracted by a computer. I’m sorry what did you say?” Grateful for my even tone I steeled myself and stepped into the metal box but held off on hitting a button.

“I asked if you would want me to bring a pizza and keep you company while you finished your work.”

“Thanks for the offer but I can’t let you in. This building has cameras and if I get caught I could lose my job or even get arrested. This is a software company Drake and you don’t have the clearance.” Panicking now I rushed my words and sounded a little more on edge than I intended.

“Awe can’t you sneak me past the cameras? I’m offering pizza here. Vegan toppings included, and an after work movie as a bonus.” I could hear the laughter in his voice and I mentally pictured his beautiful blue eyes lighting up with amusement.

“I can’t Drake I could get into a lot of trouble if I did.” That’s it, just keep to the point.

“Not if we’re careful. I’ll be good I promise.” Damn this man and his sexy voice.

“Drake…I really can’t. My boss will kill me.” And you’ll kill me…  

He sighed heavily and I was almost sure he was going to give in, but his next words proved me wrong.  

“What if you come outside and we eat and then you can go back to work and I will wait here until you finish?” His voice had changed slightly but I couldn’t explain how and confusion settled over me.

I smirked, boy this man was persistent. Had I not just been warned to stay away from him or risk dying I would have caved a long time ago, but the self-preservation part of me said that the woman was not lying and Drake was dangerous. How I knew she was telling the truth I didn’t know, and how I could trust her so easily I didn’t know either, but I did know one thing. I liked living.

“I wish I could but I can’t. Once in I can’t leave until I go home. This company doesn’t take too kindly to a constant in and out, especially at this hour. The doors are locked for the night so you’re stuck out there.”

“Are you sure I can’t persuade you? I’ll sweeten the pot.” He was flirting now and I could almost picture his toothy grin.

“Oh? And just how do you plan to do that?” There was no harm in flirting right? So long as I didn’t actually let him in I was safe.

“Oh that’s a surprise.” His tone was light but had warning bells going off in my mind.

“I don’t like surprises. If you want a chance of me letting you inside you will have to come clean.” I faked a laugh at the end to sell my act even more and he returned it with one of his own.

“You drive a hard bargain Sarah Rose.”

I stopped breathing. “How did you know my middle name?”

There was a long silence until I heard him sigh again, “Alright you got me. I’ve been harassing Rachel with questions about you so I wouldn’t be going into this date blind. Is that too weird?” His words were believable and Chel would be the type of girl to give a guy my blood type if they asked for it. My heart wanted to believe him but my instincts told me that every word he just spoke was a lie. Drake was trying to see me, and he was trying way too hard at what should be a first date.

“Yeah Drake, way weird.” My words were clipped but the slight agitation was what I needed to make my body move and I was hitting the ground floor button and tapping my toes in seconds.

“Sorry…I get nervous before a date.”

“Look Drake I’m really sorry but I’m going to be here for a long time and won’t be able to make any plans. We can try for another night.” With people, lots of people.

“I can wait till you get out Sarah, I got no plans.”

This man was not taking no for an answer.

“Shit, I gotta go Drake, there is a problem with one of the systems and I need to do a hard reset before I can wipe it. Sorry.” I didn’t give him time to respond before I hung up and leaned back against the wall, trying to calm my erratic heart.

Without wasting any time I dialed Rachel; she picked on after the first ring.

“Yo, what’s up darling?”

“Rachel I need you to come get me from work.”

“Are you alright?” Her tone went from playful to serious so fast my head spun.

“I think so but I need you to come pick me up.”

“What happened? Your voice is shaking Sarah.”

“I’ll explain when I see you but I need you to come get me right now.”

“Yeah okay. I’ll call a cab and be there in fifteen minutes.”

“Thank you. Text me when you are a minute out and I’ll meet you at the side entrance. Don’t go to the main door.”

“Sarah you’re starting to scare me. Should I call the police?” Worry was evident in her tone as she spoke and I could hear her grabbing her things in the background.

“No, don’t call the police, just please hurry.” Again I gave no time to answer before I hung up and stepped out of the elevator. The main floor was empty and deathly quiet which had goosebumps prickling up all over me. Not brave enough to risk a look towards the front door I bolted for the closest restroom where I waited for Rachel’s text.  

-

“Okay you wanna tell me what had you so freaked out? You’ve been silent the entire drive back to campus Sarah and I’m starting to get a little worried here.” Rachel’s voice was a mixture of worry and slight agitation as she placed her hand on my door to prevent me from opening it.

“I don’t even know myself Chel…” My nerves were shot and my heart couldn’t take much more of the stress I was under and all I wanted to do was curl up with my blanket and watch old Disney movies until I felt happy again.

“What does that even mean? Sarah you sounded terrified on the phone and I made a promise to myself to protect you, so please help me out here and try to explain the best you can.” Her eyes softened as she looked at me and I had to use every ounce of strength I had to not cry.

We were both silent for a moment and I was ready to open my mouth to speak when the laughter met our ears. Some girls had just walked into the building and were heading our way and the last thing I needed was for random women to think I was a basket case.

“Not here…” was all I replied as I turned the key to my room.

Rachel nodded automatically and followed me in before his voice rang out.

“Sarah wait! I need to talk to you!” Drake’s words rang through the entire floor as he sprinted up the stairs towards my dorm, and my whole body froze. My blood turned to ice in my veins and my breathing was beginning to hinge on hyperventilating and thank god Rachel noticed and closed the door for me just as he cleared the last step.

The slam brought me back to reality and I sprang into action, sliding the lock home before turning and collapsing against the door as my best friend stared at me shocked. The banging shook my entire body as Drake shouted from the hall.

“Sarah please just let me talk to you. I want to apologize about tonight.” His words were filled with sorrow that pulled at my heartstrings.

“Go away Drake!” I can’t deal with your bipolar drama right now…you scare the fuck out of me…

“Sarah please I need to explain things before you get the wrong idea in your head.” He knocked one last time and when I didn’t respond I heard him sigh heavily before I felt his hand slide down the other side of the door. “Sarah I’m sorry…please talk to me…I’ll be at the coffee shop across campus tomorrow after my first class, please meet me so we can talk.”

When I finally heard his footsteps retreating, was when the tears that were welling in my eyes spilled over. Dammit why did my life have to be so fucking confusing?

“Hey calm down I’m right here with you. Take a deep breath and tell me what happened.” She was at my side in seconds, her eyes shining with worry as her arm rested against me. It was a long moment before I was able to find my voice.

“Chel…I’m so confused right now. I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

“About what honey?”  

I took a deep breath and attempted to still my shaking hands. “Something weird happened to me tonight.” When she didn’t respond I took it as a cue to continue.

“While I was working tonight I got a call from a strange woman. She didn’t tell me her name or give any other information aside from ‘Stay away from Drake Winsor.’ She said that I shouldn’t let him in the building, and that if I did he would kill me.” I paused to look at her and in a flash I saw her emotions go from confused to angry and then to fear before settling on a blank..

“I’m afraid I don’t follow what you’re saying Sarah. Why would some random woman call you and warn you of something like that? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. I didn’t believe her at first but then a little while later Drake called me, and I don’t even know how he got my number, but that’s another story. He was determined that I let him into the building and I just panicked. After what that woman said, I couldn’t think of anything else to do.”

“Well I agree that’s a little freaky but I don’t think he would hurt you Sarah. I see the way he looks at you. And about the number thing…I kind of gave it to him the other day when you stormed out of the bar.” She offered a small smile before I shot her a glare.

“I suppose I can thank you for telling him my entire life story then. He knew my middle name and everything. I don’t tell anyone that. He said he was grilling you about me so he could better prepare himself for our date.”

“Woah, what? I gave him your number but that’s all I did. He hasn’t asked me anything about you.” Her words were sincere and all I could do was stare at her blankly for a moment before realization dawned in me.

“So if he wasn’t talking to you then…” I trailed off when my phone dinged signaling a text. It was from a number I didn’t recognize but the words ‘I’m sorry’ were in all caps. “Who is apologizing to me?”

“That’s Drake’s number Sarah. You should know this if he called you earlier.” Rachel gave me a quizzical look before my eyes traveled back to my phone screen.

“That’s not the number I got a call from earlier. Look, this was the number that Drake called me on.”

“Then I don’t know what’s going on Sarah but that’s not Drake’s number. Here look at my phone. This is the number I have for him and I even called it in front of him to make sure.”

Okay now I was legitimately starting to get freaked out. What the fuck was going on? Another text came in and we both looked down.

I’m sorry I had to cancel. Please let me explain and make this up to you Sarah.

“He had to cancel? That makes no sense he was the one who called me and tried to get me to let him in so he could keep me company…I don’t get it.” I could hear the fear in my own voice so I was fairly sure Rachel could as well.

“Are you sure it was Drake on the phone earlier?”

“Yeah I would bet my life on it. I know his voice anywhere. He sounded off a little like he was aggravated about me not giving in but other than that he sounded normal.”

What the fuck was going on? Who called me if it wasn’t Drake? Who was that woman? There were so many questions racing through my mind but for the life of me I couldn’t come up with a single answer and the more I tried, the more it made my head hurt.

“Come to think of it…she spoke as if she knew you Chel. She said to call you and that you would come pick me up.” I cast a look of scrutiny but she simply gave me a confused one in return and shook her head.

“Unless I know her name I couldn’t give you an answer. I know a lot of people but none of them you would know, so I’m just as confused as you are here.” Her voice held no hint of lie in it but her eyes told me she was hiding something.

END

Thanks again to @fairywithajetblackheart for beta reading this! You are so awesome! I hope you all like this! feel free to reblog!

[returnofdalivindead]

title ; corrupting luhan chapter ; three of ? pairing ; kailu | hunhan rating ; nc-17 warnings ; rape, underaged (teen x teen) length ; ? summary ; -- aff link (with prologue)

The following week was when Jongin and Sehun made contact with him again. He was nervous and frightened as it was, worried what was next to come, because he knew this was far from the end. It couldn't be with the last time. If they had given him space in hopes of having him calm down, they had definitely failed. Luhan doubted that was the case though, more so suspecting them of doing it on purpose. Make him suffer longer with the unknown.

The boy had been in the middle of playing one of his favorite games on his laptop, when his phone buzzed next to him, another buzz soon following. It had taken him a minute or two to get to it, clearing up the final bits of the quest he was in the middle of, before he checked it. Games as of late, having worked as a great way to get his minds of things. Sort of.

It was from a number he didn't know, reading 'you should be a model, sweetheart.'

The 'sweetheart' already revealed who the sender was, and as if to confirm it and the statement that went with the text, was a picture attached. Showing Luhan, fully naked in the school's bathroom, undoubtedly in the middle of pleasuring himself. From how it was shot, you couldn't even see he was forced into it. Looking at his own face in the picture, it looked like he was enjoying it.

Tears started welling up in his eyes instantly, but he tried holding them back, automatically deleting the picture sent to at least get rid of some of the evidence, as he clutched his phone a little harder in his hand, head hanging low. This had been one of his worst fears, his pretty little head already off assuming they had sent that picture around to others as well. Why wouldn't they? Sure would be in their nature.

He didn't reply the text, not seeing what there was to say, left in his own misery for another couple of minutes before his phone buzzed anew. Shakingly, he checked what it said, afraid it would be a matching picture featuring a headless Sehun and Jongin as well. Their identity kept safe, while they molested him.

'wanna chat??'

No, was what Luhan wanted to reply if he were to reply anything. No matter what the direction was they were gonna take this, he wasn't gonna like it, and it all just became too much. He was left in thought, nothing much but a minute passed before his phone now was going off with his ringtone. He stared at it for a good few seconds, considering rejecting it, turning his phone off and just throwing it aside for now, but his slim fingers seemed to act on their own, thumb sliding towards green.

Slowly he took it to his ear, still not saying anything, but that choked out sob he tried keeping in, wasn't as silent as he wanted it to be.

"Sweetheart, what's the matter? What's gotten you all upset?" It was Sehun's voice. Without the mockery tone, but his words did that just fine on their own.

"W-Who --" Luhan stuttered, struggling to get the words out, and mind all the more in a mess with what Sehun just said to him, he knew damn well what was wrong. Some gibberish followed, ending with a stuttered version of 'the pictures'.

This was the least articulate Luhan had ever sounded, if Luhan had heard a recording of his own voice, he likely wouldn't have been able to make sense of it himself, but Sehun somehow did. At least the main point of what Luhan was trying to say. "Who else have seen the pictures?"

"Ye-Yeah..." Luhan cried, bothered with how calm Sehun sounded. It was like this, none of this, didn't bother him the slightest.

"No one, of course. Just Jongin and I. And well, your photographer."

That calmed Luhan a tiny bit, but really just that; tiny bit. He knew they were either going to, or was gonna threaten him into doing something for the pictures. Yet, his desperate want to just having them gone, showed instead. "Delete t-them, please."

"Aw, look at you asking all politely, how cute, but no. They are, like, star quality, so it is only fair you do a little something in return for that to happen, don't you think? I mean, I would hate to let such good pictures go." If Sehun had told him that two months ago, he would have said it with definite sarcasm, trying to belittle Luhan and make him feel horrible, but Luhan didn't get quite the same feeling this time. He made him feel horrible alright, but he wasn't making fun of him.

When all Sehun got was some more loud sobbing from the other end, he continued. "We will delete it then. Do something for us, and we will do something for you, what do you say?"

"How do I k-know you aren't l-lying again?" Luhan asked after some seconds of crying, clearly winning no sympathy points from Sehun by it.

"I didn't lie the first time, you didn't keep your end of the deal first. Anyway, you can't know, all I can give you is my word, and I promise, we will delete it afterwards."

Luhan was silent for longer then, and Sehun let him take his time, only knowing a fraction of the shit that was going on in his head right now. Luhan really didn't want them to touch him again - certain that was what they were gonna go for -, but the thought of what others would think of him if they saw those pictures seemed to be the greater of two evils right now.

His classmates, his teachers, his family... he feared they all would think of him as a slut who wanted it all along. Who didn't only want what Sehun and Jongin did to him, but wanted it in pictures to look back at. Thinking about how ashamed his parents would be, got to him the most, his mind even went as far as to worry they would kick him out, not only for being slutty, but a gay whore at that. Who seemingly didn't find one boy enough either.

"... I'll do whatever y-you want me to," Luhan eventually said, still crying but his free hand still for some reason came up to wipe some tears out of his eyes.

"That's my boy, such a good boy, sweetheart," Sehun said, letting out a low hum.

It sounded odd? And threw Luhan off for a brief second, until he heard Sehun let out a short, very deepened, sigh afterwards. When the image of Sehun touching himself to their little chat, flashed before his eyes, he quickly hung up. Throwing his phone on the bed right next to him, staring at it. No texts or calls followed, and oddly enough, that had Luhan cry harder. Worrying it had all been in his head, and Sehun hadn't been stroking his dick while talking to him at all, he didn't get turned on by Luhan crying in his ear. He then turned his phone off, and had it so for the rest of the weekend.

He spent the rest of his weekend mainly in bed crying, curled up into himself. Lost in his own thoughts that seemed to come up with one scenario worse than the other, especially for hanging up on Sehun like that. Yet he couldn't bring himself to contact him again.

-

To his surprise, after turning his phone back on late Sunday evening to set his alarm for Monday, there was no missed calls or texts - at least not from Sehun. Or Jongin for that matter. It took some stress off Luhan's mind, but he stilled needed a good three hours before falling asleep, because his mind kept running in circles of what would happen the day after. He woke up quite a few times during the night as well, yet when he got up, it couldn't be seen.

His mood was clearly down, but he looked less sleep deprived because for now, he was just very alert for what would happen.

His morning routine went as it usually did; taking his morning pee sitting like he preferred, taking a shower, getting dressed, and brushing his teeth and hair. Skipping his breakfast for this one, which didn't go unnoticed by his father, but he made up some half-hearted excuse as to why he didn't have the time. He had to meet someone to get the last bits of a group assignment in place before class started. A decent lie, if it had come out of anyone but Luhan's mouth. The furniture around him wasn't even convinced.

Luhan didn't reach his first class before he ran into Sehun and Jongin, it seemed they had been waiting for him.

"Sweetheart, wanna go for a chat?" Sehun's voice gained his attention, his wording sounding much like the text he had sent him two days earlier. "Somewhere more private?"

They were outside Luhan's classroom, and Luhan had just been about to enter, thinking he was safe for now. Luhan had stopped, turning around to look at them, while a few of his classmates went past him and in. One of Luhan's hands followed the strap of his backpack, clutching the strap. "Class is a-about to start..." Luhan said, hoping that excuse would fly with them.

"It will be quick," Jongin said, smiling but Luhan didn't find it comforting or convincing. "Nothing will happen," he tried assuring him then, and although Luhan didn't buy it, he hesitantly nodded his head, fearing the consequences if he refused them too much. They did take him somewhere more private, but as if to keep him more at ease, they took him outside. Out public, with people able to see them but unable to hear them. It made Luhan feel a little better, even if he knew nothing good would come out of their mouths. And right he was.

"You hung up on me before we could discuss the details last Friday, sweetheart," his voice was dripping with a sweetness, Luhan didn't like. Neither did he like how he kept calling him sweetheart. This had been his thing for awhile now.

When Luhan didn't say anything to it, Jongin seemed to pick up for him, as if he was helping Luhan. "Like where to --"

"Not here! Not in sc-school!" Luhan interrupted him, biting his tongue as soon as he said it, already regretting it. He wasn't in a position to make demands, and he felt they were gonna make that very clear now. But quite contrary to what he was expecting, Jongin smiled at his rushed interruption.

"Then where would you like to do it, precious?"

Luhan's head gave a little unwanted shake at that pet name, not expecting it, and certainly not liking it, but he didn't dare telling him to cut it out. Instead he tried thinking up an answer to his question.

He would be most comfortable in his own home, and in his own bed, then he would feel guaranteed there would be no cameras filming their new activities too, but he didn't wanna create any bad memories in a place he was supposed to feel safe. He wanted that to remain a Sehun and Jongin free zone. With one of them? As much as he hated the idea of exposing himself like that again, it was the only place he could come up with.

"I g-guess with one of you...." he muttered, avoiding eye contact, as he tried ignoring the gross feeling that came with that sentence. Not so much over what they were supposed to do there, but he realized they had him pick a place as if he wanted part of it. "W-Will you then delete all of it?" he dared asking, looking more at Sehun, even if he knew there was no way Jongin didn't have the same copies.

Sehun nodded then. "Of course," he said, and he seemed genuine, but Luhan never really knew with these two. Sehun took a step forward, so Luhan felt he was dangerously close. "Shall we set a day later then? So that pretty ass of yours get some proper rest time?" Sehun let a hand around Luhan, to pat said ass, and it instantly had Luhan take a step away from him, getting all emotional again, he could feel he was about to cry, and he bet they could see it too. Grossed out he would call his butt pretty on top of that. Didn't make it better he vaguely heard Jongin say he thought he already had enough rest time. It was like they already had discussed this among each other, and that thought was scary. He felt they were gonna trick him in some way.

Much to Jongin's delight, Luhan sided with him, though. Again, just sort of. "I-I just want this to be over," he stuttered, trying to will away his tears. The sooner he got it over, the sooner the pictures would be gone. Some part of him knew this was just them trying to make him say he wanted it sooner, their smiles told him so much. They really only heard what they wanted to.

"What a good sport, you are, precious," Jongin smiled, a little too wide so it couldn't be classed as anything but a smirk. They gave him a date and time then, tomorrow after school. Luhan nodded, vision getting more blurry with tears and he quickly spun around and walked away then, heading for the boys' room, because he definitely wasn't ready to head for class just yet.

As he reentered the school, he walked past a girl who most certainly noticed he was crying. She didn't say anything, but he noticed the worried expression on her face, as much as he vaguely recognized her as the girl who had given him Jongin's address. Seeing Jongin and Sehun standing together outside where Luhan came from likely made it very easy for her to figure out what made him cry too. That was their thing, and she had warned him.

-

The wait for it had felt horrible. He had been nervous and on edge, never really trusting any of his seniors, so he still worried the pictures of him would come out before he got to do anything for them. Regardless, he still reached his nervous peak when he was back in Jongin's room with the two others. Not more than having been led in before they went to his room. Luhan kept himself near the door at first, he had left his stuff out by his bike so he didn't have something with him they could take from him.

They were alone, and Luhan had found it weird when he had offered him something to drink before they got started. It felt like he was trying to be nice, to calm his nerves perhaps, but in the back of Luhan's mind he just suspected they would drug him and do things far worse.

Proving he truly expected the worse from them, when he entered the older boy's room, his pretty eyes had been busy scanning the room as well. Looking for any type of hidden camera. Apparently not being as discreet with it as he thought, because Jongin took notice. Sehun likely did too.

"Do you wanna check the room first?" Jongin asked, voice neutral, and it had Luhan flush, feeling awkward as he shook his head no, even if he wanted to. He just didn't want to risk them getting mad with him. There was something else he dared asking, however.

"Will you d-delete the picture first?"

He had been looking at Jongin, but when he out of the corner of his eye saw Sehun shake his head no, he turned to look at him. "No, sweetheart. After," Sehun said.

There really was no guarantee they were speaking the truth, and that was upsetting. He felt like a fool for going along.

Jongin was closest to him, and he more than anything noticed the tears threatening to well up in Luhan's eyes. Luhan suspected it was a failed attempt to comfort him that had him close what little space that was left between them to kiss him, fully on the lips, but keeping it gentle, it was all lips really, just pressing them together. Giving Luhan all the chances he wanted to back out of it, and he was stupid enough to do so. Regretting he did so, but unexpectedly, Jongin didn't get mad. Rather than get mad, he saw the older's eyes trail down his body, clear desire in his eyes.

"Take your clothes off and sit down," he then said, motioning towards the bed. As much as he would love to undress Luhan himself, he figured Luhan would be more comfortable doing it himself. He was right with that assumption too. Luhan wasn't crazy fast stripping down, the same feelings of being nervous and scared strong within him, with their eyes following his every move, but he did it significantly faster than when they had asked that of him in the bathroom. His underwear stayed on for a little longer than the rest, but eventually he pulled those down as well, skinny legs stepping all the way out of them, while he suppressed a sniffle.

Small hands instinctively came to cover himself up. His penis, which he also felt a bit foolish doing, because that likely was the part of him they cared for the least. He then walked past Jongin and sat down as he had been instructed. Feet still securely placed on the floor as he looked between them, waiting for what was coming next.

Feeling exposed he was the only one naked, but on the flip side happy he didn't have to look at their dicks for now. Jongin was the one who stepped up to him, almost as if he had first dibs because it was his home, Luhan thought.

A hand came to Luhan's scrawny chest, fingertips grazing one of Luhan's nipples, before he gave him a gentle push. Not nearly hard enough for Luhan to fall back, but good enough to get his point across, so Luhan lied down, butt still near the edge of the bed, which felt a little weird, but he didn't question him. Neither did he resist, when Jongin's hand pulled his hand off his crotch. "Pull your legs up for me, precious," he said instead.

Luhan did as he said, or did as he thought he wanted. He felt a little unsure, pulling his legs up, while letting his delicate hands to the back of his thighs, closer to the knee. He didn't know if this was exactly what he wanted, but it got everything between his legs nicely exposed, so he thought it might be. Neither did Jongin complain, he more admired him. His privates, the cheeks of his ass especially.

Feeling a little uncomfortable under his stare, Luhan turned his pretty head to look at Sehun. Seeing he wasn't much better, he just seemed more interested in his face and nipples, that definitely had Luhan look away from him. No part of him wanted eye contact with any of them.

As he had been looking at Sehun, Jongin had stepped all the way up too, and had now kneeled down between his legs, hands at last coming to touch him. Touching the back of his thighs to be specific, going a little up to feel the fullness of them, and at the same time helping Luhan keep them up. His touches were as soft as Luhan's skin was, and that weirded Luhan a little out, but he kept quiet, eyes fixated on Jongin now.

Eventually Jongin's hands went down again, and Luhan could feel him touching his cheeks, thumbs dipping in between to spread them and see his cute little hole. Jongin knew he wasn't turned on, his small dick was still as flaccid as they came, but the little twitch it gave with the exposure gave a nice illusion.

Luhan was growing a little anxious, sensing where this was going, but not quite believing it could be so at the same time. His mind couldn't comprehend why Jongin would be the slightest bit interested in doing so, but sure enough, shortly after feeling the older boy's breath on his hole, something much wetter followed.

It brought an odd sensation to Luhan, not so much the act of him doing so but the why he would be doing this. It was one thing he wanted to stick his dick up there, this was something entirely different. Luhan was nicely hairless down there though, and everything was just so nice and smooth, some part of Jongin had a harder time seeing why someone would not wanna do it.

Luhan's entrance was tightly closed shut, but as he felt Jongin's tongue on it, running around the wrinkled rim and prodding to get inside, it gave small twitches of want. Luhan's entire body had been tense, but with this happening, he could slowly feel himself loosening up, he was afraid Jongin could feel that too.

One of Jongin's thumbs went a little closer to his opening as he was licking, pressing down in an attempt to make it open up a bit and make it easier for his tongue, and he succeeded in doing so. Soon, Luhan felt his tongue press inside of him.

It felt unexpectedly nice. The sounds that went with it was as well, it sounded very wet, and it was getting to Luhan. His body took the greatest liking to it, and soon Sehun was able to tell too. He figured it out when he saw Luhan get more emotional, until then he had seen him be full of confusion and discomfort and his face then turn into one of like, now it was a mixture of that and him growing upset. Sehun figured it was because he was enjoying it, and he was feeling ashamed because of it, and sure enough, when he let his eyes travel down Luhan's skinny body to his mid section - what was between those heavenly thick thighs -, was a growing hard on.

Luhan felt uneasy when Sehun got up in bed next to him, though it was a little better his senior was still wearing clothes. At least that meant he didn't have to deal with his dick just yet, but he knew that was coming.

One of his hands followed the length of Luhan's skinny arm, all the way up towards his hand holding onto his leg. He pulled in Luhan's hand lightly, wanting him to let go, and Luhan did. For a second fearing he would make him touch his dick or something of the kind, but he did none of that, he just allowed Luhan to relax more. Which was impossible given the situation, but it helped him a little. The young beauty slowly realizing the only reason Jongin had asked that of him was for his hands to find purpose, and to prevent him from covering up. Some part of him appreciated Jongin doing that as well.

As much as he would have preferred being allowed to cover himself up, especially as he was getting aroused, he was a little pleased he had known what to do with his hands. Carefully, Luhan removed his other hand from his leg as well, not covering himself up, because he knew that would end up with another request.

Sehun's hand then grazed Luhan's flat stomach, leading it up Luhan's torso to his chest and nipples. Luhan's chest was heaving up and down notably because of what Jongin was doing to him below, and Luhan felt himself grow anxious all over with Sehun's touches, more so over not knowing what would happen, when really all he did, was touch his nipples.

Play with them some, and give Luhan another spark of pleasure from somewhere else, even if nothing compared to what Jongin was doing to his hole. Where he now could feel it wasn't just his tongue intruding below, that was most certainly a finger entering him as well.

Luhan started crying like that, feeling overwhelmed and lost because everything they were doing just felt nice. He knew he shouldn't enjoy it, but he did, so he felt bad.

Saliva had made his ass nice and wet, that made it very easy for Jongin to drag his fingers back and forth, now having come up on two. Allowing them to reach deeper within Luhan than his tongue could, so he could put some more pressure on his prostate and add to his pleasure. He could see how it had Luhan's thighs visibly shake, and how it let him show more off his bodily needs - even if he didn't wish to.

The sweet and pleasurable approach was definitely the way to go with this pretty boy, if you wanted him to be willing, that much had become clear.

In the end, Jongin spend more time fingering him now. At times dipping his head in to let his tongue lick, all of his doings getting low little moans out of Luhan. It was getting to him, that much was clear. Getting to him to the point, Jongin and Sehun knew damn well he had an orgasm building up. Luhan hated them still, and was crying about as much as he was moaning at this point, if not a little less, but physically they made him feel so good.

They were more into pleasing him it seemed, it left Luhan's mind in a mess, and brought him an orgasm much quicker, than even they thought they would be able to get out of him. It was humiliating coming from Jongin rimming and fingering him, but he felt so helpless, there was nothing he could do about it.

The flat stomach Sehun had briefly grazed earlier, was soon decorated with Luhan's own cum as he came, more of a broken cry leaving his lips as he did, as well as he moaned. Meanwhile, his thighs shook more, as his body did a little twitch as his orgasm washed over him.

"You're so pretty, sweetheart," he heard Sehun say, hands not as much on him now, but he clearly still had a hard time keeping them off him completely. His words didn't make Luhan feel any better, even if the compliment was genuine. He thought he was pretty coming though.

Luhan looked at Sehun as he said it, but when he saw movement from Jongin's side, he quickly turned to look at him. Feeling more unsure what he was gonna do than Sehun, because Sehun stayed put for now. Jongin went to bring out some lube, that wasn't much more than a couple of feet away from him, that got Luhan nervous in a whole other way.

Now feeling more certain he was just gonna fuck him in his sensitive state. He always expected the worst from them, so seeing that, he assumed he had just done all of the for him so he would get too sensitive for his dick. In his easily confused mind, it felt like a slap to the face, as if Jongin was calling him a slut, and didn't want him coming from his dick as well.

Which didn't really add up with some of their previous doings, but Luhan couldn't see that now.

Unexpectedly, Jongin didn't start lubing up his ass for him to enter. Instead what he could see him do was pull his fat cock out, that had gotten erect from what had been going on already, and smear some lube on that instead. Luhan felt uncomfortable watching Jongin stroke himself with the lube, looking aside when he felt his hole give a little twitch. Some part of him definitely had started to like the size of Jongin, Jongin really was huge.

Instead of sticking his dick up Luhan's ass next, despite it being more than just ready for him, Jongin's hands went to the boy's thighs and made him close them, pressing his dick in between them. The fullness of Luhan's thighs feeling so good for his dick. Luhan hadn't seen this coming, but some part of him was appreciative Jongin didn't stick it in him. The other thought he would end up doing it anyway, and was just dancing around the unavoidable.

For Luhan, he didn't get a whole lot of sexual pleasure out of some thigh fucking of course, but feeling a throbbing cock rub against him, and so close to his actual hole, slight sparks of excitement came within Luhan. Hole clenching for Jongin, which Luhan was glad the position didn't allow Jongin to notice. Fearing he would see it as more of an offer.

It was a slippery experience because of the lube, and that was exactly what Jongin had aimed for. It felt great, not quite as good as other parts of Luhan, but it was still more than enough. His big hands was holding Luhan's legs firmly, keeping them together, and being able to feel him up all at the same time, definitely being considered a win-win for Jongin.

Due to Jongin's size, feeling the thickness of him turned Luhan on, and at the same time, looking towards his own legs, how long Jongin was allowed Luhan to see the head of his dick on more than one occasion. It was upsetting to him how this as well turned him on, feeling Jongin's balls slap against him had the same effect.

They fell heavily against the backside of his thighs, echoing with a slapping sound of skin connecting, and Luhan started crying all over again feeling himself harden anew. Feeling betrayed by his own body, yet again. As much as he didn't want this, his body seemed to like dick, especially the feeling of it against him. And the look of it too, indicating it was something big that got Luhan going.

Luhan would have been more fine with these discoveries about his sexuality, if it had happened any other way.

To make it worse, he had Sehun sit next to him, touching him here and there, but nothing too inappropriate. Luhan's head having been lifted up into Sehun's lap as Jongin had readjusted his body for his own use as well. Luhan knew Sehun was hard, and that he most certainly would take his turn with him afterwards, but he couldn't feel his hard-on press against the back of his head, something Luhan as well thought was unlike Sehun.

Sehun had played some with his nipples - he couldn't help it really, they looked so cute and attention-seeking -, but when Luhan started crying more noticeably, they came more of it. He stroked the tears away from Luhan's pretty face, while gently shushing him, trying to make him calm down, but failing. He also allowed his fingers to run thought Luhan's soft hair in a way to soothe him, and although Luhan would've liked the gesture normally, he couldn't when the one doing it was Sehun.

"What a good boy you are, sweetheart," Sehun said, a certain type of sweetness to his voice, that Luhan found unsettling. Luhan knew he was talking about him getting hard. He cried some more, shaking his head in denial, refusing to look at what Jongin was doing now, just as much because he sensed Jongin was nearing his orgasm.

Jongin was thrusting between his thighs, going a little faster knowing his climax wasn't too far off. Eyes either taking in Luhan's pretty legs, or trailing up his light body to take in his equally pretty face. Even through tears he looked absolutely beautiful.

When Jongin came, most of his release ended up between Luhan's thighs, some going to the top of his thighs, with even less ending up on the boy's flat stomach, joining his own release. As gross as it felt, Luhan certainly favored that over him coming inside of him, and himself having to clean his hole after Jongin.

Jongin stayed a little, hips still stuttering forward as he released everything on Luhan with his cock going limp. Luhan could feel the transition from hard to soft, and he wasn't so sure how he felt about it at that point. Mainly it was relief, but there was something else too, that Luhan tried not to think about.

With Jongin moving away from him, Sehun moved as well, doing the inevitable at this point. As Luhan had expected, he moved to stand where Jongin had not too long ago, looking at the mess of cum and lube he had left behind. Luhan's legs were closed, while his feet was flat against the bed, but a light push from Sehun had his legs fall apart.

Nudging one of his knees to have Luhan do the rest of his own, letting him see what was between. He looked enough for Luhan to feel uncomfortable and self-conscious under his stare, feeling like he was judging him.

Sehun had been supposed to do the same as Jongin, stay out of his little twitching hole, but he wasn't so sure he could at this point. Resisting his mouth as Jongin thigh fucked him had been hard enough, watching his lips as he panted, cried and moaned. It would have been so easy to shove his dick right in there, but he hadn't.

But now, seeing this. Luhan looked so defiled and filthy, hit him a little harder. Not only that, he knew his hole was ready for it, he had been prepared, and the lube Jongin had used, had followed gravity and gave his dick, balls and ass cheeks a pretty shine. Sure, none had gone inside of him, but Sehun could fix that.

"Turn around for me, sweetheart, get on all fours," Sehun told him, and Luhan looked hesitant. Not much to do as he said, however a raised eyebrow from Sehun slowly had him listen.

If he had the least bit of self-restraint left at this point, it was gone seeing his ass like that, sticking out towards him. Sehun nudged a hand between his legs to make him spread them, ignoring what he got on his hand in return, because it felt absolutely worth it seeing Luhan like this. His actions earned him a questionable look from Jongin, but he didn't say anything. Really he seemed more concerned about Luhan, looking at him for reaction. Jongin had his dick cleaned up and pants pulled back up at this point.

It was obvious what was gonna happen next, all three knew it. When Sehun got his dick out and covered it with lube, it wasn't to fuck his thighs, he was aiming for something more, and sure enough, Luhan soon felt Sehun's slickened dick slip into his stretched hole.

While Luhan's body got exactly what he had been needing, Luhan hated it.

He hated how thick he felt inside of him. He hated how he slowly pushed all of him inside, before Luhan felt absolutely full. He hated how he could feel him throb within him, and he hated how he could hear Sehun pant. And as something minor compared to all of that, he hated when Sehun's hands settled on each side of his narrow hips and held him there as he started bucking into him.

The slapping sounds that had come when Jongin fucked his thighs came again, now just aided by some very squelchy sounds as well. How he was fucking into the boy, leading Luhan to rest on his boney elbows instead, trying to keep himself steady so Sehun would have less of a tight grip on him. With that, he also felt like Sehun could go in deeper.

As dirty as Luhan felt on the inside, he was starting to do on the outside too. His thighs now just felt gross after Jongin, so unclean, while Sehun would make sure his hole wasn't much better soon enough, Luhan assumed.

As much as Jongin wished he had been in Sehun's place, and worried this would get Luhan more hysterical than necessary, he also knew to get him to admit he liked dick, he needed dick. He would just rather have been the one providing it. It was tempting to get a second go at the boy after Sehun, but he knew that was pushing it. Luhan was already dancing around his breaking point. They wouldn't be able to push him much further than they had now. Not today at least.

Before Sehun came, Luhan did. The constant, trusty thrusts against his prostate turned a little too good for him to handle, and his second orgasm hit him. Tiny penis squirting his juices out on the sheet beneath him, as his body shook. He felt ashamed, and scared they would mock him for it. Wouldn't be a first. It was humiliating someone he hated got his body and mind in such a pleasant mess too.

Sehun could feel he wouldn't last much longer than that either. Luhan tightened in on him as he came, and he cried - and actual cry of distress -, so Sehun bucked into him a few more times before he pulled out. Smirking at how Luhan's hole gaped at him so hungrily. Even after he had come, he wanted more. He was truly perfect.

Post-orgasm, Luhan's mind barely picked up what was happening. But his limbs had threatened to give in, which earned him a warned 'stay put, sweetheart'. He didn't realize Sehun had stroked himself into completion until after he felt stripes of cum splatter across his white ass, in what Sehun thought was a messy piece of art.

Luhan's hole was still twitching as Sehun came on him, always needy as ever it seemed, and Jongin and Sehun loved that. Jongin had gotten up behind Luhan now as well, while Sehun tugged himself away, both just looking at his bottom, and now that Luhan felt, their staring. Luhan sniffled, bravely turning around to sit so his front was towards them. Delicate hand ending up in his lap, while his pretty nipples was still hard and exposed.

Meanwhile, his other hand came up to wipe his eyes, trying to rid of some of his tears. "I-I did as you wanted, now it is your t-turn," he said, feeling safe enough saying it considering their dicks weren't out. He assumed that meant they were done with him, but if anything, he guessed he should have learned not to assume things.

He had looked at them as he said it, both of them, but then looked to the side. For something to clean himself up with, at least get the worst of it, before he could get his clothes back on. He felt too exposed like this.

"Of course, precious," Jongin said, getting out his phone, and Luhan's eyes was back on him as he stepped closer to him. His suspicion that Jongin also had copies of his pictures, proving to be right. Figures. Jongin sat down beside Luhan, and Luhan wasn't so sure how he felt about that. He was still too naked to feel comfortable with it, but he did want to see to make sure he actually did it.

He saw Jongin was in his photo album, and he clicked on one of the pictures, Luhan letting out an unintended sob seeing it in the full. It was of all three of them. But he felt a bit of happiness seeing Jongin click the trashcan then, and actually delete it. But then he went out of his pictures again, and a confused expression came to Luhan's pretty features.

Both were watching him, looking for a reaction it felt like, and that they got, once it occurred to Luhan what just happened. Mind a little slower than usual with everything that had happened.

"Delete the rest t-too!" Luhan's voice was so high pitched due to his crying and whatnot, Jongin damn near regretted sitting so close to him.

"You gotta earn that first, sweetheart," Sehun told him, and that only seemed to break Luhan more down.

"I did as you w-wanted," Luhan accused.

"And we did as you wanted."

Luhan cried at that, realizing this had been their plan from the get-go. The amount of pictures they had, was the amount of times they wished to rape him, and he felt he had no choice but go along. Luhan didn't say anything at first, but eventually, they could hear him mumble 'you did not! You did not!' over and over again, through his crying.

Flinching when he felt Jongin try and pull his naked body towards him, it scared him. Worrying they would punish him for his reaction, but he did not. He tried to hug him, which Luhan tried resisting at first but eventually he just gave in, and let him. Face pressed against Jongin's chest as he just cried. He could feel Jongin stroke his back, but never letting it travel any further than that.

"Don't cry, precious," Jongin tried to comfort him, even if he knew it wasn't gonna work. "It wasn't so bad, was it? Did it hurt?" he asked.

To the first question, Luhan definitely felt like saying yes. It was bad, he hated what they had done to him, and what they were gonna make him do again. But he feared what would happen if he said that. Did it hurt, though? Luhan couldn't really say that, not physically at least. They hadn't harmed him like they had before. Knowing that was what they wanted to hear, Luhan aimed to please. Maybe in a last attempt to have them just delete all of it.

He shook his head, nothing more than that, but Jongin could feel it against his chest.

"That's what I thought, precious," Jongin said, still stroking his skin, but also going up to brush through his hair. Actions more affectionate than what he usually would, and Luhan didn't like it. "It is much easier when you just go along, isn't it?" It took some time, but again, Jongin felt a slight nod against his chest that had him smirk. The same reaction was with Sehun. "We deleted a picture like we said we would too. So what does princess say?"

The new pet name made Luhan uncomfortable. He hoped that one wouldn't stick.

On top of that, he frowned. Because he really couldn't figure out what Jongin wanted him to say, so he stayed quiet. A 'hm?' from Jongin, eventually had him mumble out he didn't know. They didn't need to see his face to tell how nervous he was with that, his entire body language said as much.

Luhan jumped feeling a cloth against his butt, quickly looking behind himself to see what as up. Only to find Jongin's hand resting on his waist, ready to hold him in place if he refused, while Sehun had come forward to help clean him up. Something Luhan would much rather have done on his own, but he didn't feel like he could stop it. He tried moving a little at first, but he quickly found out Jongin wasn't gonna make that easy for him. Neither was Sehun.

"Princess says thank you."

Luhan stayed silent at first, but then -

"... Th-Thank you..."

<< previous

[pretty-eyes-jaeger]

“Children of the Devil”

If you’ve followed me for a while, or even just a few days, you may have been able to tell that my favorite characters in Shingeki no Kyojin are the Titan Trio: Bertholdt Hoover, Annie Leonhardt, and Reiner Braun. I don’t try to hide that at all, and even though I really do love all the 104th kids, these three have captured and captivated my attention and heart since I first started to read the manga. Therefore, I’ve given them the most thought in the series. I go into every chapter hoping for more about them; their background, their story, if nothing else, the other characters at least talking about them like they exist. 

Around the release of Chapter 91, I posted something expressing these sentiments, to which @bertltolt replied that they felt the same way I did. Thus, we’ve decided to collaborate to bring you a consolidated post of our Titan Trio thoughts and theories in the hopes that you’ll perhaps give these characters a second look and will actually take a moment to see the complexity behind the “villains” of the series. 

"Children of the Devil"

I think that the most tragic thing about these characters has to be their upbringing and the idea behind their actions. Let’s start by looking back at what little information we have about the warriors, the training and the way their chosen:

Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie and Marcel were chosen at a very young age. Going by the 13 year life span and the fact that Reiner's time is coming up as of chapter 92, we assume that they were 7/8, give or take a year, when they were given the power of the titan or at the very least began their training, (because they had to learn how to control those titans, and we saw how long it took 15-year-old Eren to control his. They had to start them young to ensure that they’d still be in control after 5 years lying dormant through cadet training.) These children were either taken from their families or given up by them for a chance of luxury as Marleyan citizens.

As part of the program, the chosen soldier children were subjected to brainwashing as part of their training. They were taught to hate their people, to hate themselves and to believe that the entire Eldian race was evil and the cause of so much suffering for the Marley and somehow needed cleansing. It's hard to think that these children had a chance to do the right thing when the idea was so integrated into their society, that it was taught within their homes, the core of any child's upbringing.

We can see just how conditioned the Eldian people are with instances like Grisha as a child and the way that Mr. Jaeger spoke about the Eldian people to him, so much so that he didn't fight the murder of his own daughter because somehow, he believed it was right. It's easy to assume that the children of the Warrior program had the same upbringing with the same ideas put into their head by their families, society and the Marley and these ideas were only pushed further the moment they entered training.

While the conditioning into the Warrior stages happened, these kids were probably being taught to give their utmost loyalty and respect to the Marley, like any soldier would. It wasn't a matter of mental or emotional strength or attachment that drove them on that mission. They did it because it's what they were taught and told to do. They were broken down and rebuilt with Marley's interest in mind. These children were nothing but assets with the power of a titan, conditioned by the Marley’s ideologies and shoved into a selfish battle that wasn't their fight to begin with. It wasn't a choice.

After years of training, with their lives literally ticking away, these children are sent out on a mission to breach the three walls and rid the world of the people within them while retrieving the coordinate. Four children sent out, only one returns.

The “brainwashed” child soldier archetype has been clear for these three from the Clash of the Titans arc, shown particularly through Bertholdt’s dialogue in Chapters 47-49. He insists that he and Reiner are ‘warriors,’ not soldiers. He calls the 104th kids ‘children of the devil.’ He asks ‘who do you think wants to kill people?’ Everything Bertholdt says, (and even does) throughout the course of the battle in this arc reveals the fact that a.) he, Reiner, and Annie were forced to do this, and b.) they don’t want to. 

There is absolutely no way to justify what they did. The acts they committed cost the lives of thousands of people and destroyed homes and families of many. Even so, we can't look at their actions and say that these children weren't remorseful for what they did.

It was shown in obvious ways.

Beginning with Annie, she was always the most distant of the group, which was her biggest weakness as stated by Shadis. Her isolation from everyone, including her partners, was a way to keep herself from getting attachments to the members of the 104 not only because she was aware of her mission and what it required her to do but also because she could jeopardize their positions as the titans. Although she kept herself distant, it didn't prevent her from harboring feelings towards her fellow team members. One example is the small amount of excitement she expressed when she offered to train Eren her dad’s fighting techniques. This is a small way for her to interact with this hopelessly passionate boy in a way that isn’t suspicious and won’t necessarily form too strong of a bond between them. She also showed deep respect for Armin and in a way considered him a friend which later led to her sparing his life during the Female Titan arc. This incident allowed Armin to later identify her as the female titan. Her sparing Armin gave up her position.

Bertholdt also isolated himself but was different in the sense of being able to keep himself distant while still being there. He maintains a safe distance, written off as just a shy, awkward guy. He was rarely seen apart from the group, say for a few times but even so, he spent less time interacting with the 104. Part of this probably has to do with the fact that he was always with Reiner which lead him to being around the other members of the 104 a lot more frequently even if he hadn't of wanted to, and inevitably getting dragged into the moral morass of trying to reconcile the Marley’s preachings of “All Eldians are wicked” with the living contradictions of his fellow cadets (but more on that later.) 

Reiner's way of dealing with what he's done is probably the most tragic of the three. He gets up close and personal with his fellow cadets, thanks to either a naturally charming personality, really great acting skills, or the dissociative personality he’s acquired from the trauma of murdered hundreds of people. Many were surprised to learn that a lot of Reiner's feelings and actions within the 104 were nothing more than a 'soldier' persona created due to the trauma and regret of his actions that caused the death of thousands of people.

It's easy to point a finger and call a fake every time Reiner has tried to grieve with the SC but could it really all be a lie? While yes, maybe there were instances where Reiner was aware of what was happening and acted, I'm sure there were other times where his soldier persona took over and truly felt the sorrow and anger shared by his teammates. Switches between personality disorders are triggered by events or memories that bring recollection of trauma to the one experiencing it. After a "switch", that person has no recollection of their thoughts or actions during the episode as it's a whole different person.

Focusing more on Bertholdt and Reiner's relationship with the cadets, despite the isolation and split personality, they state that they were not lying during their time as 'soldiers'. Their time in the cadet corps was probably the best of time of their life. Shadis’ training probably seemed merciful when compared to what they had to go through with the Marley military. And it would be impossibly hard not to make friends when you live with people for three years. Naturally, they had to deny their ‘warrior’ selves for a while; it made it easier to live with themselves, sharing so many moments in the 104. But despite this, they needed to complete their mission. You can’t completely override brainwashing with a few years of happiness. 

Going back a bit and following age profiles, Bertholdt and Reiner attacked Shinganshina somewhere between the ages of 10-12. About as old/same age as Eren, Mikasa, and Armin when the walls were attacked. They were children when they murdered an entire district of people. What 11 year old child do you know that would do that by their own volition?

Clearly, there’s some sort of “brainwashing” at work. And it’s clear that that’s the case based off of the military-industrial complex of the Marley state. The Marley people (or the leaders at least) continue to feel the wound of wrong done to them hundreds of years ago by Eldians. They refuse to let go of the past, and insist upon making war instead of making amends. But, back when the conflict started, the most powerful weapon at their disposal was the power of the Titans, which could only be inherited by Eldians. So, how’re the Marley gonna get use it? 

Simple: make the living conditions of the Eldians living in your territory absolutely miserable, and then create a program where people can gain social benefits by volunteering their children to become the next batch of Titan warriors. Because people will do anything to survive, right? Let’s be honest, there’s definitely brainwashing propaganda used somewhere in there too, making the adults believe in Marley’s cause as well as the children. 

Well, the children are another story. Children’s brains are still developing, making them more susceptible to new ideologies, no matter how dangerous. If a child is told from a young age that a certain group of people are evil, and they’re given no examples/information from the other perspective, of course they’re going to grow up with the same belief that’s been fed to them. And it’s clear Marley’s feeding these warrior kids with the ideology that Eldians are pure evil and need to be eradicated. Does it matter that the kids themselves are Eldian? No. As stated above, they’re wired to be loyal to Marley, even if that means fighting against their own people. And even once they realize what’s happening, it’s too late to turn around. What’s done can’t be undone. 

When these children were sent to the walls, they were sent with the idea that the people within them, much like themselves, were the children of evil. Both Bertholdt and Reiner said it at different instances during their mission.

Even though Bertholdt ultimately claimed that they were not evil, the people within the walls still needed to die and Bertholdt didn't say that out of malice. He truly believed that it was what was right and what would save them. Looking at the newer Warriors now, Gabi seems to share the same ideologies as the originals. Back to the mission that they need to accomplish. After all the time they spent getting to know who the people within the walls really were, they still needed to complete their mission. Even when they learned that the Eldians within the walls were not ‘evil,’ they couldn’t just go back to Marley and say ‘Hey, we can’t do this.’ 

That brings us to the new batch of warrior candidates in Chapter 91. That’s probably the most telling piece of semi-backstory we’ve gotten for the Titan Trio. Here we see a group of young kids in a trench, trying to prove that they have what it takes to become Marley’s warriors by killing Eldians. Which they happen to be. It’s a weird concept, and these new kids seem to be struggling to understand that. Falco saves an Eldian soldier, and is genuinely hurt when the man refuses to be helped by them, calling them “demons.” Because that’s what they are to the Eldians they’re fighting: they’re traitors to their own race, helping the enemy destroy their own people. That’s incredibly hard for a child to understand. And they’re just barely on the cusp of understanding it, as the Marley soldiers are still shoving their ideals down their throats, cramming the kids’ heads with the same kind of talk of ‘us vs. them’ that they imparted to RBA. And it’s working. Here’s a group of young kids, willing to die to prove that they were worthy of inheriting the Titan’s power. This is what Reiner, Annie, and Bertholdt had to go through. And they proved themselves worthy of it. 

This has interesting implications for Reiner’s line to Bertholdt: “You’re supposed to be the strongest.” Does this mean that Bertholdt ‘won’ their training exercise, proved himself to be the strongest of the four (because they had Berick at this time too)? If so, why was he so weak-willed when he got to the cadet corps? What changed? 

If I had to guess, I’d say it’s the emotional weight of wiping out an entire district of people at the age of 11. It’s very apparent that both Bertholdt and Reiner, (and to some extent Annie,) are traumatized by their mission. (I say Annie less so because she wasn’t involved in breaking the wall, but that’s only a minor condition, seeing as though she’s still very affected by seeing all the bodies in Trost.) They don’t know what to do but follow it blindly. And even once they open their eyes, see what’s actually going on, they don’t know how to stop it. Annie gives up. Reiner's personality splits. Bertholdt accepts that life is hell and is resigned to kill all his friends in order to get them out.

Think about that for a moment, please. Bertholdt wanting to kill the Survey Corps in the Return to Shinganshina was not out of malice or wicked intent. It was out of mercy. He wants to kill them to let them escape from the hell the world has become. He doesn’t want to kill them, he’s never wanted to kill anyone. But that’s the mission he’s been given, and if a child is given a mission like that, the world has to be pretty depraved. Bertholdt wants out, and wants his friends out too. He knew his life had an expiration date, and didn’t expect to die in Shinganshina. But his goal there was to end the mission and go home. 

I’ve said it before, but one of the lines that touches me the most in the series is Bertholdt’s “This world is cruel” before transforming in Shinganshina. I think it’s so important that it mirrors Mikasa’s “The world is cruel but also beautiful,” but drops the beauty part. Because for Bertholdt, all beauty in life has been denied. There is nothing good about the world. Bertholdt’s life is defined by loss, the irreparable kind of loss that eliminates any hope of a future. Mikasa has hope; Bertholdt has none. And everything that was good has been taken away from him. He lost his family when they (willingly or not,) volunteered him to become a shifter. He lost his will power and confidence after breaking the wall. He lost his life for Marley’s mission. He lost his friends in the 104th when they found out the truth about his identity. Another line that always gets me too is the “It wasn’t a lie!” during the fight with the Armored Titan, when Armin, Jean, and Connie are yelling at Bertholdt through the Armored Titan’s hand. Bertholdt’s exclamations in that moment, all of them really, are so scared and hurt, so genuinely human. “It wasn’t all a lie!” “Who do you think wants to kill people?” “Somebody, please find us.” These aren’t the words of a cold blooded killer. They’re the words of a teenager, lost and confused and unable to handle the blood on his hands. Blood that he was forced to shed by the Marley government. Not because he was an innately evil being intent on killing thousands of people, his own people, mind you. 

That’s another thing. All the Titan Trio really wanted was to go home. Just like EMA. But while EMA’s obstacle to home was reclaiming Shinganshina from the titans, the Titan Trio’s hurdle was their mission. Which failed pretty royally. 

Now, we have a few loose ends to add, so we apologize for the shift in focus. 

First, there’s Reiner in the recent chapters. The few words said by Reiner in chapter 92 truly show the feelings and resentment towards the walls and it's people.He's finally reached the end of his journey because his life is coming to an end. While completing his final mission, there are new recruits being trained to inherit his titan. Again, nothing but a pawn being wasted away and replaced after 13 years.

To him, the walls are to blame. They were sent out on a mission to kill everyone within them and thought out the way, he lost two of his friends. They killed thousands of innocent people for that selfish reason and after being saved yet again, he garners hatred and anger for what the walls caused.

Another implication to add in here, that I don’t know where to put otherwise, is the topic of Marco. People were outraged to find out that these three were behind Marco’s death. But we have to look at this objectively. What were they supposed to do, let Marco go tell someone what he heard? Jeopardize their mission? That’s just stupid. Sure, what they did was awful, but it’s not like Levi, Hanji, or EMA would’ve let him live either if the roles were reversed. In fact, we’ve seen our main characters torture people for less. It’s all a matter of perspective here, people. This is a world of gray morality. The ‘good’ guys aren’t all good, and the ‘bad’ guys aren’t all bad. 

Also, it’s very clear that Marco’s death severely impacted the Titan Trio. Annie sobbed the whole time. Bertholdt was quieter than usual. Reiner, who orchestrated most of it, was so traumatized by it that he snapped from warrior to soldier in an instant upon seeing his friend suffering. There is no way that one could argue that they weren’t affected by Marco’s death, that they wanted to do it. Again, they had no choice. Now, it’s arguable that Reiner shouldn’t have forced Annie to do it. That was a pretty shitty thing to do. But, we have to remember that Reiner’s personality has split by this point. We don’t really know warrior Reiner’s motivations for forcing Annie to “prove” herself. Maybe she didn’t go through training the traditional way, and her loyalty is thus in question. Maybe there’s implications behind it that we don’t understand, seeing as though the backstory for these three is still missing. But it’s clear that warrior Reiner is in full control at that moment, and all he’s thinking about it getting rid of the evidence of their mission, which is unfortunately a human being. In summary: Marco’s death was a tragedy that broke their hearts to commit, but they had no other way around it. 

Another consideration: Ymir. It paints a bigger picture when we think about Ymir returning with Bertholdt and Reiner to their hometown. We took a very short lived glance at Ymir's backstory and we learned so much about this girl within a simple letter. Through his his, we learned about her simulated affiliation with a cult dedicated to the founder Ymir. We learned about her punishment for being part of it; she was pelted with rocks and hatred from the Marley citizens alongside her followers and later turned into mindless titans. For sixty years, this girl lived in an endless nightmare until the Warrior boys crossed paths with her. Aside from her gratitude for what they had done, she knew that those boys returning to their hometown empty handed would result in punishment. Yet she walks into the lion’s den anyway.

Final considerations. We’ve read some theories and things on here that we just want to share our opinion on. 

1. Annie’s Redemption Arc. The two of us personally agree that Annie does not need ‘redemption’ per say, only peace with herself. Seeing her side with the SC would be confusing. Sure, the SC has no reason to trust her, but she has zero reason to trust them in return. She knows they're against her, she knows they used her friendship with Armin to trick her. She knows that she can trust absolutely no one in this world. So we don't really see her "switching" sides per say. But we can see her stepping away from the conflict all together, like Ymir in a way. She wants nothing to do with either side, and doesn't side with anyone but herself. We also wouldn't be surprised if she's used as a vehicle for backstory or used as Titan fodder; wouldn’t even be surprised if they executed her after getting any info they can. She doesn't necessarily need redemption, per say, but to find peace with herself, whatever that may be. Maybe it is switching sides, maybe it's accepting her failure and moving forward. But it is SC centric (as the whole narrative is) to insist that she needs to redeem herself. It's kind of impossible for her at this point, and I don't think she owes them anything after the deceptive tricks they pulled on her. Plus, there’s the issue of her father. He was the last thing she thought of when she fell. She wouldn’t just give him up to work with the people who stabbed her in the back. 

2. Reiner and the Survey Corps. We don’t think reconciliation between them is possible, and making any "amends" with the SC at this point would be traitorous to the friendship he had with Bertholdt. We don't think that there's a chance that he would anyways. Especially with what we saw of him in this last chapter. Reiner’s incredibly resentful. We don't know how a meeting with them is going to play out (if he makes it to meeting them anyways) but having him tell THEIR story would be a good end to him (but let's be honest he shouldn't die, Isayama) We don't want him to die pathetically or wishing to be heard... We want him to die in peace with himself. They need to talk for sure, Reiner needs to explain the warriors’ backstory. But under no circumstances would he willingly reconcile with them now. The people who’ve tried to kill him repeatedly, AND took Annie, AND killed Bertholdt?! No. That’s incredibly unrealistic. 

I hope that reading these thoughts by @bertltolt and I have helped shed some light on Annie, Reiner, and Bertholdt for you. I hope that you’ll consider them as more than villains. I hope that you’ll see them for the amazingly complex characters that they are. And even if none of this changes your mind, thank you for reading this, for taking the time to try to see the other side. 

And to close, two cents worth of salt: 

(Note: you don’t have read this. I just... was in a salty mood and felt the need to express these things. You really don’t have to.)

1. Can we also talk about Bertholdt’s death? Can we talk about the fact that this fandom was so focused on Armin vs. Erwin that no one realized that Bertholdt was dying regardless? We lost the first major antagonist of the series, and no one batted an eye. Why is that? Cause he’s an antagonist? That’s a lot of tunnel vision there, friends. Also, this has a lot of implications for Reiner’s development since Shinganshina. He lost his best friend. The person that meant the most to him in the world. He knows Zeke left Bertholdt behind to die. He knows he’ll never see Bertholdt or Annie again. That’s why his line in Chapter 92 about the walls disgusting him is so powerful. The walls took everything from him: his childhood, his friends in the 104th, his people that meant everything to him, even his mind. Reiner has lost everything. And the only reason he’s still fighting is because he has nothing left to lose, and there’s no way that he can get out from under Zeke/Marley’s thumb now. He won’t have to be under it much longer anyway, expiration date and all... Wow. Okay. I’m sad now. 

2. I’ve seen a lot of people upset that we have seen EMA and Levi for two chapters. Oh gee. Wonder what that feels like. Reiner and Bertholdt didn’t appear for 40 some chapters. Ymir and Annie haven’t appeared in longer than that, save for flashbacks. You can survive a chapter or two more without seeing the main protagonists. Expand your horizons a bit. 

[just-jordie-things]

Just Friends (part six) - Stiles Stilinski

Stiles prided himself in his attempts to be calm and collected.  Sure he was quite the spazz, but when it came to break ups, fall outs, fighting, and other various forms of drama, he liked to think that he could keep himself calm.  That he could walk away and breathe before making rash decisions.  And that’s exactly what he did this morning when y/n did not answer her door.  Or the calls.  Or texts.  But before he’d even made the call to her, Scott had called him.

“Stiles buddy where are you? I thought we were gonna meet at the library today” Scott said, and Stiles sighed.  “Stiles? Where are you?” Scott asked, sounding concerned at Stiles’ lack of an answer.

“I’m kinda at y/n’s house right now” Scott groaned.  

“You can’t skip school-”

“I’m not, I came here to pick her up… I got coffee and breakfast for her cause I thought she’d like it-”

“Unimportant detail” Scott monotoned.

“Okay but she specifically said a ride to school was okay… and  knocked a lot and texted a lot and she hasn’t responded to me at all” Stiles rambled on, running a hand through his hair nervously.

“Don’t stress Stiles, she’s probably just not feeling well” Scott reassured as best as he could.  To be honest, he barely knew you.  Only what Stiles would go on and on about, not that it gave him much insight on your personal life.  But hey, at least he knew your hair smelled like berries, and your eyes sparkled like the sun.

“She was fine yesterday” Stiles mumbled.

“Alright well maybe it’s… you know… a girl thing”

“Like.. drama-?”

“Like her period” Scott breathed.  “Look, skip school or whatever, I’ll cover for you” Scott said.  “But just this once”

“Fine.  I’m coming” Stiles sighed.  “I might be a little late to first period, tell Coach my car broke down if I am?”

“He’s still gonna give you hell.  But alright” Scott said.

“Thanks man”

“See you soon”

And that was the end of their call.  But Stiles quickly scrolled through his contacts in search of your name.  He didn’t hesitate to press it, tapping his foot as it rang.

“Hey! You’ve reached y/n.  Sorry I couldn’t come to the phone, but leave a message!” Your cheerful voice said, and Stiles internally cursed.  But he still left a message, the nervous wreck he was.  You never picked up.  

His feet dragged a little when he walked back to his car.  Taking his time putting on his seat belt, and starting the engine.  Stiles definitely wasn’t cool with texting and driving especially after hearing his father getting case after case about it.  But he kept his phone on his lap, ready to pick up if you were to reach him at all.

He couldn’t remember the last time you didn’t answer the phone, or text him back.

Stiles’ palms were sweaty on the wheel, and he was licking and biting at his lips every ten seconds.  Maybe he shouldn’t have left.  Maybe he should’ve climbed to your window, or hung around to see if you answered.  But by the time he even considered going back, he was a the school parking lot.  And he came to a sad realization.  If you’d wanted to reach him, you would have already.

The boy ran into the school, backpack slung onto one shoulder as the bell rang.  He was late just barely by thirty seconds to class.  He found Scott already explaining an elaborate lie to Coach.

“I’m here!” Stiles wheezed, making his way to the back row where Scott had his things.  His friend followed behind him, watching as Stiles caught his breath.

“Well? Anything happen?”

“I called her” Stiles said.  “I left her a message but she didn’t respond” Scott nodded.

“Then she’s probably just sleeping” Scott shrugged.  “Again, I doubt you have anything to worry about” Stiles nodded, finger tapping on the desk, and leg bouncing under it.

“Yeah, you’re probably right” He said, silencing his phone, and putting it in his bag.

What’s the worst that could happen? You missing one day of school probably just meant you weren’t feeling well, Stiles thought optimistically.

~~~

Scott walked with Stiles out of Economics, going on about one of Coach’s outbursts and laughing.  Stiles offered small chuckles, but just couldn’t focus.  He reached for his bag-

Scott slapped his arm.

“OW WHAT THE FUCK SCOTT-!”

“Just leave her alone” Scott told his friend as calmly as possible.  “If she’s not feeling well, she’s not going to want to sit around on the phone with you and talk about turtles”

“Awe you remembered-”

“Not the point” Scott couldn’t hold back his eye roll.  Lydia bounded up to them.

“Hey guys- nice eye roll” She giggled at Scott.  “What’d Stiles do this time?”

“He’s obsessing over y/n again” Scott said.  Lydia smiled cheekily over to the pale boy.

“Ooh” SHe said, mimicking what Stiles thought was a six year old.  “He’s blushing Scott, I think our boy’s got a little crush” She said.  Stiles had the urge to shove them both on the ground and run off.

“Oh, I know he does” Scott chuckled.  “He’s freaking out because he was supposed to drive he to school but she didn’t answer the door”

“Or her texts, or my calls” Stiles piped up.  “Straight up ignored” He grumbled to the floor.

“Peculiar” Lydia commented, brows drawing together.  “Has she said anything at all?”

“Well I’d like to know.  But McStupid here keeps punching me when I try to look!” Lydia slapped a hand on Scott’s shoulder.

“Hey-!”

“Don’t ever meddle in someone else’s love life!” Lydia scolded.  Stiles took the opportunity to quickly pull out his phone.

“SHE CALLED!” He yelled, rushing to the side of the hallway to be out of the way.  He clicked on the voicemail box, and brought his phone to his ear.  The first thing he heard was your shaky intake of breath, and it made his heart lurch.

“What what is it?” Lydia asked, worried about the pained expression he was making.  But Stiles didn’t say anything, just listen to your string of stutters and cries.  A hand came over his mouth slowly as he tried to make sense of your incoherent whimpers.  Scott heard a small blip of your cry, and instantly felt bad.  He was the one who told Stiles not to worry.

“I’m so-”

“Sh” Stiles interrupted, holding his phone closer to hear you better.

“Stiles I-” And that was when the line cut.  Stiles dropped his phone from his ear, watching the screen flicker back to a mess of missed calls.  Mostly from his father and Scott.

“She’s hurting” He said, eyes wet.  “I can tell- I mean it’s obvious- but it’s really serious she’s broken and I’m not there to help her pick up the pieces” He said.  Lydia put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Stiles, I admire your compassion, but some things people just have to learn to handle alone-”

“But she doesn’t” Stiles argued quietly.  “She shouldn’t have to” Lydia sighed.

“Stiles...” Scott tried.  “Look man we get you like her- a lot- we get that trust me I’d do anything to make sure Kira never feels a hint of sadness again” Scott said.  “But she’s still going to feel sad every once in a while.  And some days, there’s going to be the chance that there’s nothing I can do but let her work it out herself-”

“You don’t get it” Stiles grumbled, pushing off the wall, and storming away from his friends.

“Stiles! You can’t just skip-!” Lydia called, running after him when he neared the entrance of the school.

“Watch me” He spat.  No, he wasn’t trying to hurt his friends feelings, it’s not their fault they didn’t understand you needed him.  But at the same time, he couldn’t believe they were so against the idea of him helping you.

“Stiles” Lydia spoke softer, putting her hand on his shoulder.  “Look, I know what you’re talking about.  I know tat you think-” She paused, licking her lips to think of a better choice of words, but none came to mind.  “-that she needs you” She finished.  “But Stiles, as your friend, you can’t just skip school because she’s a little sad” She sighed softly.  “Maybe after go over and-”

She was cut off by Stiles’ phone ringing in his hand.

“It’s her” He said quickly, answering it and walking outside.  “y/n? y/n are you okay?” He rushed the words out, and barely noticed Lydia standing behind him as he paced the steps.

“Stiles” You were crying, and he instantly shot his hand to his pocket in search for his keys.  “Stiles I- I did-”

“It’s okay, it’s okay just breathe I’m here”

“I’m sc-scared”

“Why? It’s okay, you’re sa-”

“I did something bad” You whispered, voice cracking.  Stiles’ brow furrowed.

“You’re going to be okay I’m coming over right now okay?”

“No!” You screamed out.  “No don’t come!”

“y/n I need to see you-”

“Don’t come Stiles don’t come” You whimpered.  “Please don’t come” Stiles nodded, walking towards his jeep.  “Please don’t, please please don’t come”

“Alright, alright I won’t” He heard something fall, to the floor maybe he couldn’t really tell.

“Ok-okay” You stuttered.  “I gotta go” He heard you sniffle a few times.

“Alright, I’ll probably call you in a bit when I leave school” Stiles said, unlocking his car door.

“Okay” You whispered.

“Text me though alright?”

“Okay, I will” You said.  “Bye Stiles-”

“y/n” You hummed into the receiver.  “You’re my sunshine, okay?” There was a pause between you, but he could hear a small breath leave your lips in the hint of a smile.  Not really a laugh or a giggle, but a soft sound that he knew meant he lifted your spirits at least a little.

“You’re mine too Stiles” You responded through tears.  Then you ended the call.

Stiles got in his Jeep and drove to your house.

tagged: @lena-lightwood, @seninjakitey, @morganschiebel

xoxo ~ Jordie (ps: happy birthday crystal! allison imagine to come for the occasion)

[harahmed]

I had this dream that made me really anxious about a girl I loved in the past. It made me feel so uneasy I can’t concentrate on doing work till I write about this. I guess this can be considered the girl that got away. For people I loved either platonically or romantically in the past, I’ve always had the mind set that I care deeply for them even if I don’t talk to them anymore. That holds still holds true. In this dream, I got invited to this girl’s birthday party. It felt extremely realistic but some things didn’t line up. I don’t remember being in med school or having to move things around to go to this birthday party. It wasn’t whether or not I could go, but if I did or didn’t wanna go. I remember thinking I’m not gonna know anyone at this thing which is also unrealistic because even if I’m not friends with most of her friends I at least know some of them. I also remember feeling that I should go because I want to support her, but that’s also weird because this is a birthday party not a concert recital she’s participating in and my presence or absence probably wouldn’t have that big of an impact. While contemplating this I would just think about the time we spent in high school and college and got sooo nostalgic and happy. It makes me anxious because it felt so real. In my dream I vividly remember thinking “this is real life.” and I believed it. It felt like how it did in high school when I would just go somewhere like the park walk around and just think and reflect. It felt good. I was worried about not knowing anyone in the dream and asked one of my best friends that I made here in medical school to come with me. He’s an attractive dude. 

Fast forward to the birthday I think it was in AC or something, and the girl that invited me had friends I never knew about and I didn’t recognize anyone. Her friend group immediately fell in love with the friend I brought and I remember feeling super insecure and out of place. They made a sc group with him and would keep talking to him and I was just kinda...there. That’s more of an aside though that I wanted to mention, I felt like how I did growing up ugly as shit. Because of my trichotillomania I grew up ugly as fuck and a lot of people in say my family friend group didn’t really give me any attention and gave it all to my brother. Just thinking about it makes me feel so shitty. I remember one time specifically a really long time ago I was probably in elementary or middle school this group of girls who were either in hs or college were introduced to me and my brother. I remember when they met me they didn’t really react but when they met my brother they instantly fell in love with him. one of them exclaimed “he’s soooooo cute.” and it’s stuck with me ever since. It still bothers me. I know people aren’t perfect but it still made me feel like shit. I think that this is a big reason why I am so...idk the word. My actions and words are very loud. I really think that because a lot of people didn’t just give me attention, I started demanding it. This is actually the first time I think I’ve ever made this connection...interesting. If this disorder wasn’t an issue I would honestly be at least 2x more attractive. I am grateful for it to an extent though because it made me appreciate a lot of things that many people overlook and I think it ultimately made me a better person. The reason I believe that is because I’ve always been the type of person that can’t really empathize with someone going through something I’ve never been through. Whenever someone warned me not to do something for a specific reason I just couldn’t get it till i went through that experience (classic example is touching the stove after it’s been used.) Having this disorder gave me a lot of perspective in how powerless someone with a psychiatric disorder can feel and the types of societal pressures that can drag you down even more. This is something with such depth I would never even be able to scratch the surface of what it’s like without going through it myself. I also tend not to self reflect unless I’m going through a period of sadness or my life is relatively harder than a more peaceful period, so growing up I was always self reflecting. I made peace with the fact that I’m going to live with this disorder for the rest of my life in highschool because I felt it wasn’t worth the heart ache of “why the FUCK can’t I stop when I am trying my very best?? Am I really not good enough to over come this?” Failure was just an easier route for me and I became a lot happier after accepting it. But I think that in the long run that’s affected me negatively because this acceptance of things about myself instead of trying to change has been toxic to a lot of other aspects of my life. 

One good thing about getting older is I feel I can be a lot more open about this disorder because people aren’t as judgmental as kids. Kids don’t give a fuck lol they’ll call you fuckin weird and will make you feel like shit. Adults can be that way too, but the people in the environment are in are much more open and accepting than I would say the average person is because they’re going in the field of helping people that sometimes can’t help themselves. Another good thing about getting older is I feel I can really appreciate things a lot more than I could in the past. I have REALLY been getting into piano music and it makes me feel good. It can be so expressive and emotionally charged and beautiful and I love it. 

back to the main post. The dream ended with someone trying to steal my wallet and me and my friend getting in a fight with them over it but that isn’t really pertinent to this post. I’ve felt very uneasy though and was gonna write a post on tumblr. It felt wrong though to not tell my gf of almost three years about it.

Towards the beginning of our relationship, I realized that I did not feel the same way I did about her as I did about this other girl I dreamt about. I really think it’s because I can’t...that girl took a piece out of me that I don’t think is gonna come back. I just changed somehow after all this happened. I told my gf this and it made her understandably very upset. I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest with her because I think a relationship isn’t successful only on a set number of conditions that are satisfied but how you and your partner can work out emotionally difficult times such as this one. Well I told her about it and we kinda just both acknowledged it and moved on. It made her feel shitty and then enough time passed where I think both of us believed this wasn’t an issue anymore. I was very conflicted about telling her about this dream. She always asks me why I am okay with telling her white lies and it’s because sometimes the truth brings on stress and heartache that I feel is not worth it, so it’s easier just to lie. I could not tell whether this was one of those times and I didn’t want to tell her because I knew it would make her feel shitty and there was no real solution to this but something deep inside me just knew it was wrong to keep something like this from her. I guess it’s not lying but just not being completely honest. So I told her about it. Tbh I thought she would appreciate my honesty, and she probably does, but the conversation went just about how one would expect it to go. She told me it made her feel shitty that I still feel this way about this girl after being with her for all these years and a lot of the issues that I contribute to our relationship are in part because of that change that made me more apathetic after my relationship wit this girl. She said it was shitty because she didn’t know what to do or say about it and she hasn’t really seen much of a change in me since then with issues that revolved around this. hearing that really fucking hurt. it’s extremely difficult for me to make changes in myself for reasons I’m gonna save for a different post, but I honestly thought I was making positive strides. Doing things to make myself more complex of a person, more considerate, and make myself less of a piece of shit that plays videogames all day. I was upset she said that I haven’t changed much. I was about with her for the first 10 seconds..”how can she not see this effort I’m putting in to change.” then i took a step back and realized if she’s not seeing it I only have myself to blame. I think trying to change something about yourself and just not being able to and experiencing that constant feeling of failure is one of the worst things one could experience. just not being good enough even though you feel you’re trying while balancing the other commitments in your life. that’s especially true when you’re letting someone you love down. after telling my gf this she said she had to go and I could hear the sadness in her voice. I don’t know what to do. I initially want to regret telling her but I know in the long run this is more beneficial. I think i just figured out why. I’ve been taking the easy way out my whole fucking life it’s done some damage to the quality of a human being I am. I guess it’s a reassuring to not do that, bite the bullet and be honest even if it hurts me and someone else I truly love. 

Even though I grew up a lot since hs, i feel I was a much better person then. I probably had more flaws and stuff but I really worked hard on self improvement, which is something I can’t say in full confidence now. it just sucks. I feel that I am just better off sad sometimes. I am just a better person all around. I am more reflective, considerate, passionate. I don’t know the solution to this and it’s gonna continue to weigh heavily on me for years to come. I don’t think I am someone former me would be proud of..and that stings. 

[justsomethingtoventon]

Everything I felt when I went on a break with my bf

25/2 So I've downloaded tinder as you advised me too and ngl there's guys I'd swipe right for but I can't bring myself to do it like I don't want them to talk to me I don't want them to see me, what did that say about me then?? When 5 months ago I'd be all over this?? Spoke a lot to Elsa last night and she was so nice, gave really good advice and stuff and she thinks we'll be fine and so do I tbh it's just you now I think. I'm terrified you're gonna come back and call it quits but I'm gonna have to respect it. I get that we needed this, you more so than me but did it have to be now I can't concentrate on anything I really don't think this is enough to break us, I don't think that I would have entered into this without seeing a future that's longer than 5 months. I get we've been arguing but it's absolutely something we can get through if we both try to make changes. We need a really long discussion, a pros and cons list and a conclusion be both agree on. Otherwise that's it. I get summer will be very hard but I wouldn't break up with you just because there'd be long periods when we wouldn't see each other like I'd make such an effort to come see you and I'd like to think you'd do the same. This whole thing is horrible and I just want it to be over, I want you to fight for this bc although we have shit times I don't want to give up the good ones and I can't be the only one to do it because i can't put myself through it. I'm so conflicted with how to feel like I know it hasn't even been a day but it's constantly on my mind, obviously, so I'm not sure whether to understand, accept and move on or be like no. I have no idea what you're going to say when you get back bc you may claim the balls in my court but it's all you rn. So I think I'm just gonna prepare for the worst and start to let you go bc I'm gonna be selfish and say it's the easiest way to deal. I really don't know if I'm just being over dramatic about all this like you might just come home and be really chill about everything, I'm just not coping well at all. I love you so much, I'm really not ready for this to end. I don't want it back to how it was anymore, I was far too mean and closed off, I want to be able to express myself a lot better with you, before I was scared of opening up and getting hurt but now I'm starting to get that if I don't open up more it will end and me expressing myself better will make us better. I want what we have now without as much fighting. I want to relearn how to be independent from you but still being able to lean on you if I need you and I think you've nailed it but I'm getting there which is why I've had a problem these past few weeks. I want to learn how to sleep next to you and still have a good night sleep and vice versa. I get that you telling will and putting it n your chat that we broke up was you trying to justify why you did it but that really really hurt me and that'll take a while to get over. Also if you do decide to stay w me I'm going to be extremely insecure about everything for a while it's part of a deep seated need for constant validation and not to be hurt so you will have to decide if you can cope with this. By this I mean you'll just have to tell me how you're feeling for a while and I'll do the same until I'm (and you) are solid in us again. Tinders got me fucked up. I won't talk to anyone but I forgot how funny it is to swipe on people. I miss you I just want you to walk into the kitchen and tell me I'm stupid for looking at other guys bc I have you and you're all I want. Dw tho I swipe left on most I miss you I can't watch films and stuff where they kiss now it makes me too sad. I miss you so much. I don't want anyone else I just want you, talking to the girls tonight's made me realise I really don't want anyone else, you're exactly what I want and need right now I love you so much. I know we don't sleep very well together but going to bed with you is one of my fave things and rn I miss you more than ever. Also it was v awkward with will he was like 'you need to get under someone to get over someone' we both looked at each other and I was like hopefully not and he looked confused so I'm rolling with that. Otherwise it's been a really nice evening we watched a horror film with joe and will and it was okay, like I missed you but uni is okay without you I just want you back to make it 10x better, is that wrong of me??? I miss sex with you. I know you probs don't and that's fine but like I miss how close we were and the cuddles after. I miss kissing you and touching you. I just wanna lie in bed with you and kiss you for hours bc it makes me feel so good inside. Then I want to have sex so slowly and I can wrap myself around you and not let go. I miss you so much. This is gonna break me if you don't want me anymore. I'm so sorry when you read this, hopefully I'll chill out with all the paras during the week. I love you. Legit I'm so desperate to call you right now I need to hear if you're okay and this wait is killing me, I really don't know if I can handle missing and wanting you so much if you're not even thinking about me. If you read this and it provokes no emotions please put me out of my misery and leave me so I can get over it in my own way. I really need to start preparing for the worst like it's time I understood that maybe you can't deal with this anymore and I need to get used to the idea. I love you so much and if it means letting you go then I'll have to deal. 26/2: how have you managed to become the last thing I think about before bed and the first thing when I wake up?? I'm so scared you'll pull someone. It's that fear you're now unattached and you'll want someone new and better and I can't blame you. I miss everything about you and I hate that I can't let you know. I hate that I don't know how you're feeling and if I can help you it's heart breaking, bc the last thing I want is for you to be hurting. Tbh you might be absolutely fine, therefore if so ignore this bit. Is it weird I generally don't miss you too much when you're gone but like as soon as I see you it's like I can't describe. But now all I want is for you to walk through my door, get straight into bed and tell me you love me????? This is so therapeutic writing everything I feel down like why haven't I done this before??? I'm starting to think tho might not actually show you this, or at least rethink the timings, bc I don't think I could show you how embarrassingly needy I've been and then you split up with me. We'll see I've got ages to think about it. Blocked you on sc, I didn't like the anticipation of tapping through in case you've put one on. Like u know I'm defo overreacting here but idk I guess I'm just trying to get more space even though I don't want it?? I miss you. The uncertainty of what's gonna happen when we see each other again is not v nice, I think that's what's got me so fucked up bc I legit have no idea how it's gonna go down so I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst and it's a bit shit tbh. Defo gonna edit this down before you read this I'm such a clingy lil bitch. I'd fucking love some sort of sign that you're thinking of us, like right now that would ease this process so much, because I laid myself bare for you and you left so that's got my head fucked right up. I get that it's what you need and stuff but I don't know if you've stopped and thought what I need, you know I'll give you as much space as possible but a simple text at any point during this break would be enough. I'll never ask for it though I couldn't go against your wishes so I'm just going to have to wait. I miss you so much. I've got so insecure with us recently I just feel like your hearts not in it anymore, like you don't love me and that's why I think when you come home you'll be like nah bc what's the point putting up with a moody, irritating idiot if you don't love them. This is breaking my heart I need clarification of your feelings it's killing me. Everyone I speak to says well defo get back together like everyone here, everyone back home but it's so hard to think like that, get my hopes up for them to be completely crushed if you decide nah. I love you so much, I miss you like crazy. Getting over you is gonna be so difficult I hope I don't have to do it but if I do let's make this as easy as possible please. Sundays are for cuddles and I'm getting none I'm really missing you rn. Why am I glued to my phone waiting for you to text me when I know you aren't. Why am I waiting for you to walk through the door. I really want to talk to you like so much right now, I want nothing more than you to reach out to me. The worst is that I know you won't because you don't want to, you need space and I'll give it to you but I'm losing my head here. I've gone to message you so many times this past hour I really need to know how you are and what you're thinking. This is getting very hard right now I need you. Nah nah nah no fucking way are you reading this now, this is just for me. You'll do exactly what I hoped you wouldn't do and throw my feelings back in my face won't you. I think it's time I took a step back, a proper one and stop thinking about you. I hate how you make me feel. I hate that I'm doing exactly what you wanted and opening myself up more and you're fucking me off. Nah I'm over this for now. Come Monday I'm not thinking about you at all. I'm so angry at you, how dare you assume how I'm feeling, how dare you just tell me to be 'better than this' this is what you wanted and now you've got it YOU DONT FUCKING WANT IT. I'm so fed up I loved you so much and u defo don't want me anymore, so fuck you and fuck off. You've broken my heart and I hope you're happy. How can you hurt me so much but I still want to be with you. I still want everything that I told you to get you back after you broke up with me. I want everything with you even though you drive me up the fucking wall. It's because I love you so much and the only reason I'll put up with your shit is because I love you this much and if you don't feel the same don't you dare lead me on. I love you so much and I really don't want to lose you. As embarrassing as this is it's me watching ppl on Netflix being in love that's got me idk wishing I could turn around and just look at you, smile and kiss you. You know what tonight has tested me, you upset me and implied that you don't care which meant I've collected all your stuff ready for when you end it. But now I've calmed down I've reverted to desperately wishing that when you come home you'll still want and love me so I'm a little conflicted now. The one solid decision I have made is that you'll defo read this, whatever I write I'll send to you bc it's stuff i should be saying to your face rn and it just feels right. 27/2: So today feels different like I'm still thinking about you lots but I feel less emotional about it. Idk why maybe I've got over the first hurdle of the weekend and now it's like a new week and idk I just feel more chill about the situation. I'm starting to come to terms with the idea you are going to break up with me but I'm still, however much in vain, hoping you still want to give this a go. I know it's completely your decision and I won't object to what you decide and I would love to fight for you, believe me I would, I'm 100% not ready to give up on you. But I don't think I can, like i know myself and I know that I can't fight for someone who's broke up with my twice. Therefore I will accept what you decide, I'm just praying that you pick to keep me. I've been speaking to Lorna a lot about this, she's been surprisingly helpful about everything, usually she's no good with boy stuff, but I guess she knows me so that's pretty good. She's told me to make sure you know that as per usual I'm lashing out because I'm hurt, she said that you might not see that and I should tell you. I do hope you know me well enough that I lash out against you bc I'm really hurting, it must be very hard to take and I'm so sorry, my actions can be inexcusable sometimes and I hate myself but I just want you to know it isn't because I resent you for leaving or anything it's just hard to deal with. I am trying to change I promise but it will take time but I am so willing to fix this. She also says you might be feeling guilty? I know that's probs not true and you'll interpret my actions as blaming you for all of this and taking no responsibility and all that. So just know anything I say that's mean and stuff it is bc I'm hurting so much so please don't take it to heart (which is obviously so much easier said than done). If it helps I love you so much and I really am just lashing out bc I'm terrified that you're done with me. I'm missing you so much right now. My module leaders emailed me about attendance and I'm looking at getting rid of my implant and things are just getting a bit much. Obviously you'll see this as a 'I'm affecting your education and your life so we should break up' but actually it's more to do with me and how I haven't been myself so I don't want you to use this as an excuse to break up with me or an excuse to stay with me. I want you to stay with me because you want to and not for any other reason. I miss you and I don't know if you miss me and it's killing me. I woke up so good this morning as well but I'm regressing. Can Thursday just come now so I can be put out my misery, I just miss you so much. I do think you're gonna end it tho. There's been a lot of clues recently and I've defo picked up on them, so I am preparing for the worst. But I'm still praying that this break sorts your head out and we come back more solid than ever. I just love you so much and I don't want to let you go. If we do stay together this process of writing down my feelings is helping so much like rereading what I've already felt/ said is really so useful I'll use it to try and communicate better with you. Like not always but through times like this it has helped organise my thoughts and allowed me to just vent. And seriously I have no problem with you reading it as well because it's all the stuff I should be open with you about so I feel positive I can make a good change (if we stay together that is). Maybe because it's half way through and I've been without you for the same amount of time I have to wait to find out (potentially get you back). It's just a lot harder today and I'm missing you a lot even though I woke up okay which is so annoying bc I want to be okay and do as you say and not think of you, which you're probs doing perfectly, but I'm so shit at. I suppose it is part of my personality to fixate on things I can't control so while it may be easy for you to not think about me, I can't do anything but think of u. I want absolutely nothing more right now than for you to be laid next to me with my head on your chest cuddling you, I really miss you. You have no idea how much I want to tell you I miss you right now like I'm thinking constantly of how I can indirect you without properly messaging you and that's so shit of me like you ask me for space and all I want to do is do the opposite. Don't worry tho I'm too scared of rejection to actually do it. Ooo I forgot, I deleted tinder btw the novelty of having it back died off v quickly and it just made me sad and I wasn't swiping right or talking to anyone so what was the point?? Something you said the other day has got me annoyed actually, when you said you wouldn't cook for me because you can't enjoy your own food bc you're wondering how the other person likes it? that's how I feel most times, I always give myself the shittier option so you eat better. So that wasn't great to hear, but still I wouldn't make you do something you wouldn't want to do. I can't wait to have you back. Could really do with a massive cuddle rn. Is it weird that I've only missed sex with you once? All I've wanted to do for the majority of the time is cuddle you, I just want to snuggle into you and just lie there completely content. That's what I miss the most, that and your cute smile you do when you tilt your head up and close your eyes. Oh my god this is so gay, can't wait to see you laughing your ass off reading this (or not depending when I send it u). I'm eating all the food btw but I'll give you money dw. I'm literally the biggest idiot sometimes like why do I torture myself by looking through old photos and screen shots of us??? I love you. I miss you. There's not much else to say now tbh like everyone I speak to is like aw just give him space, you won't break up over this and stuff and I so desperately want to believe them and be like yeah we'll be fine, but I'm scared of not preparing for the worst. You never know tho so can Thursday hurry up the anticipations killing me. I do love you and miss you like crazy. I'm so close to messaging you tho and I have to stop myself every time, like just a simple I miss you text but I have no idea how it would be received so I'm refraining. I think the worst would be if you weren't thinking of me, like if I sent you this and you couldn't relate at all that would break my heart but it's something I can't control so I'm trying not to let it get to me too much. I know you don't like sleeping with me but I miss spooning with you so much like all I want now is to turn over and cuddle you, you're a pain when you're actually asleep but just before is the best time, cuddling you is my fave and I miss it so much. One of my goals seriously is to learn how to peacefully sleep with you bc i love waking up with you. Legit so close to messaging you, still in a half mind to do it like I just need to tell you I miss you but I can't. It's late I should chill,or send it idk. I'm so not chill it's hilarious. Finally deleted it, you've asked for space and I can't be selfish even tho I really want to don't be a twat. You know what it's one o'clock in the morning I'm allowed a moment of weakness, fuck it, feel free to ignore. Shit shit shit shouldn't have done that. 28/2 should not have messaged you last night, just made me feel 10x worse because it's got to be over after that. Defo in self preservation mode now. You now what it's been a good run, I'll miss you like crazy but i respect that you're done. I'd love to say I'll fight again for you bc I love you so much but i can't. I'd fucking love it for you to just come home and say you'll work at it but let's be realistic now. This is breaking my heart and I don't want it to be over. You know what if you claim your feelings are the same as they were when you text me over Christmas then how can you not be willing to fight for us?? Because I am, I know I say I won't and I probably won't but I'm ready to make changes and work at this because yeah it's nice to say don't change for anyone but I want to get rid of the shitty parts of my personality for you because I really don't want to lose you. You make me so happy and I love you so much, like I've done so much for you that will seem normal to most but are fucking ground breaking for me like I told my friends we were having issues like straight into the group chat bc I know they'd all be there for me bc they know how much I love you which is v weird bc they've always seen me as someone who doesn't care. I not only told my parents about you, I introduced you to my whole family after only 3 months???? Like wtf that's how I know we'll go long term bc never in a million years would I have done that for someone I felt more casual about, I wouldn't even have told them about u. So please don't throw away what we have you mean too much to me. This is so hard, can't wait for this break to be over it's so shit not knowing where you stand. (Also done some thinking and identified the cause of my anxiety but it's not really relevant to this). I've been thinking you know when you broke up with me and you were shocked that I wouldn't be friends with you, does that mean you're starting to see me more as a mate, like you're not in love with me anymore?? You're ruining my fave songs u rat. But you can't cry to animals so I'm gonna use that. Why are u never here when I'm freezing??? There's so many things I want to tag u in this is like the start of us all over again except now there's way more things to relate to. I miss you so much honey, like a massive amount, I hope you miss me too tbh. I love you so much and no matter the outcome on Thursday I'll just be happy to see you even if it is only short lived. I actually thought I was having a good day, I haven't thought about you that much and got a lot of my essay done. But now it's got too much. I just miss you so much all I want is for you to walk through the door, grab me, kiss me and cuddle me. Like so much I really don't want you to end this like at all, I know you've had doubts but I don't have them and I really want to work through everything with you bc I love you so much. Legit missing you so much rn. Urgh I'm listening to 90s hits and reading things from my youth and I've got that horrible nostalgic feeling you know that makes you want to either reverse 5 yrs or die. Sorry this isn't really to do with u I just had to write it down, I'm a changed woman now, so open with my feelings ew. Is it bad I can't remember the last time we kissed. Did we when we got back together for like 2 secs? I can't remember and that's got me fucked up bc if you break up with me then I can't remember our last kiss. Wow that's upset me quite a bit. Is it bad a cute little text from you rn would make everything?? 1/3 miss you. As if you've text me so much today this is weird, where do we stand? Who knows??? Not really much to say today tbh, been sooo busy w netball and essays and games that you've kinda been pushed from my mind. I can't really describe how I felt when I saw your name come up on my phone, surprise is probs easiest. Then you spoke to me for ages which was so weird. Like i found myself smiling a lot, it was really nice. No idea how tmrws gonna go now, we'll see. Was a lil bit pissed off tho bc will played the 1975 and sexual and I asked him to turn it off and he refused like I asked a lot and not in a whinging voice like I'm v big on my song association so regardless to how I feel about you I just didn't want to listen to them. What a rat. 2/3