#i really don't know if i can get better and help myself theres so many baby steps to do

[opheliac]

i actually really did fuck myself for realsies. i am truly starting from the bottom of the abyss. this is where i can make the choice to continue letting it unravel and get even worse or i could try to build up again. neither sounds attractive. i'm paralyzed by so much anxiety in my body and mind and i can't make any decisions for myself. i can't believe i fell back down to this point again. i start classes so soon, if i can afford it. so much of my future is so uncertain. my health is in shambles but how much of it really is attributed to my mental illness (likely a good portion of it). i really did isolate myself so much from others that i have strengthened absolutely none of my connections and instead have either strained or completely damaged them. i have no one close to me anymore that i am able to go to because i abused the empathy. i completely fucked it. what i really want is a hug and to have a friend stay the night with me so i feel less alone but i lost that privilege. this whole summer has been horrible, nothing like i anticipated. and i really really don't know what to do from here.

[tsxkkis]

omg omg can i request? pls ignore if you dont!

s3 of haikyuu will always be my favourite season, maybe due to the fact that tsukishima realizes his potential in playing volleyball? (him having his MOMENT is my favouriteee scene)

so could you write gf manager reader x tsukki, where reader witnesses him having his first moment (blocking ushijima's spike), injuring his hand etc etc up until they receive their throphy and medals in the end ?🥹🥹💕 shes a proudddd reader and literally just smooch smooch hug hug tsukki because hes the mvp of karasuno x shiratorizawa 🥰😤

i realized that theres nobody includes this scene in their fics and i wonder why? 🤔🧐

# tsukishima kei - mvp

a/n: i am terribly sorry anon bcs this took so long T-T i'm not quite sure about some parts of this fic but overall i really enjoyed writing this request!! tsukishima is my fav for many reasons, one of which being the fact that i see myself in him a lot, and the particular moment during the shiratorizawa vs karasuno match is also my fav from the entire series!! i hope u enjoy reading this fic^^ i feel like it's not exactly what you asked for, so i'm sorry if i went too far away from your idea....

summary: tsukishima finally regains his love for volleyball.

warnings: a few swear words here and there, the fic doesn't exactly portray what happened in the series (i switched it up a bit)

'are you stressed?'

'not even a bit.'

'you're lying. i can read you like a book.'

tsukishima kei let out a deep breath, rolling his eyes as he looked away from your face. you were obviously right; there was no way he wouldn't be stressed before the game that determined whether or not karasuno would go to nationals. as much as he hated to admit it, he was almost as stressed as others. he was just better at controlling which of his emotions are shown.

you squeezed his hand, his fingers instinctively intertwining with yours. all it took was a reassuring smile from you to help with his nerves, his muscles finally relaxing after being tensed up for the last twenty minutes or so. he still tried to get used to you being more than a friend. your relationship was quite awkward and fresh, so much so in fact that you never even had your first kiss yet.

'i'm sure you'll do great.' you stated calmly, trying to hide the fact that you were even more stressed about the match than him. 'in fact, i'm positive that you'll win.'

'even if we do, it won't be because of me.' he mumbled, letting out a silent laugh when he saw the angry look on your face. 'oh, come on. it's not like i'm the greatest player this team has.'

'you know i hate it when you talk down on yourself.' you said, the tone serious and sharp, rather unusual for you. it stayed like that for only a short while, taken over by a softer, understanding one. 'you're a vital part of this team, tsukishima. winning this match is not up to a single person. it's a team effort. your input is as important as that of kageyama or hinata.'

he opened his mouth to say something but was instantly stopped by the voice of his captain, daichi, calling the team up to quickly warm up as the match was about to start.

you smiled at the boy, letting go of his hand before lightly patting him on the back.

'do your best for me, alright?'

'i will.' a barely noticeable smile appeared on his face, his hand affectionately ruffling your hair. 'don't worry too much about it.'

you finally realized why tsukishima kei never tried more. why he would never stay longer like other karasuno players to polish his skills, why he didn't truly seem to love the sport he chose to play in high school.

'you're insufferable, you know?' his words sent shivers down your spine. 'why don't you leave it the fuck alone?'

opposite forces, some might say. no one really knew what drew you and tsukishima to eachother - both of you completely different from one another, and yet oh so similar at the same time. frustration took over you every time you looked at him, and now you knew why.

he was like a mirror in which you could see all your flaws, and it irritated you a great deal.

his outlook on life and the way he viewed himself made you furious. how can someone be so full of contradictions? so cocky and confident, and yet so vulnerable and self depreciating at the same time. so full of himself and yet so hateful towards the person he saw in the reflection of every window, every mirror.

how can someone so great at what they do, so intelligent and talented, be so critical?

'because i can't! i can't leave it alone, you absolute moron.' the thought of how loud you were didn't stop you from continuing to shout, a mixed look on your face that tsukishima couldn't quite decipher. were you angry or sad? and why the hell would it bug you so much to evoke such strong emotions within you?

'you're saying i'm insufferable? from the moment i laid my eyes on you, you've been nothing but insufferable. so much so, that i want to gouge them out every time they spot you.' you ignored your watery eyes and tsukishima's surprised face, almost as if he didn't expect you to blow up like this. 'it pains me to see you be so full of doubt and hatred and i- i can't understand why you would think so lowly of yourself, why you feel inferior to the other guys in every way possible, when you could be so much more than them. do you even realize your potential, tsukishima?'

he stayed silent. for the first time since knowing you, tsukishima kei did not have an answer to your words.

'your doubts are so irrational i don't know if it makes me angry or sad. you're truly incredible on the court. you're intelligent, you can read the opponents well, you have the physical predispositions for volleyball and a natural talent that you choose to ignore because-'

'but what is talent without passion?'

that singular sentence managed to catch you off guard so much you had no idea how to answer him. such a simple question, and yet such a philosophical, confusing one.

'why should i put my all into something i'm not even passionate about, huh?' tsukishima tried to keep his composed nature, but it was hard to stay intact after what you've said. as much as he did not want to admit it, your words hit him deeply. 'why waste my time and energy for something that does not give me any satisfaction at all? tell me that, because i have no fucking idea.'

'passion is not something that dissapears once and never shows up again, you idiot.' you took a step closer, as if that was going to help you get your point across. 'if your passion is genuine, it will always be there. whether small or big, it will always crawl around in the back of your mind. if you ever truly loved volleyball, the moment where you fall in love with it again will come sooner or later.'

your words were met with complete silence, but you didn't mind. tsukishima slowly processed your words, a focused look gracing his face, lips in a tight line. even though it was only a couple of minutes, for you it felt like hours - awaiting an answer, any answer at all.

tsukishima moved closer, his tall frame hovering over you as he wrapped his arms around you, catching you in a tight hug, much to your surprise.

'thank you.' he mumbled quietly, glad that in this very moment you couldn't see his face, and the stupid smile plastered to it.

the moment where you fall in love with it again will come sooner or later.

tsukishima's mind lingered over these words whenever he played, awaiting this moment to come almost eagerly. the match was particularly hard - with ushijima wakatoshi as their opponent, the chances of winning were incredibly slim. every spike of his went through the block, his serves were absolutely killer, and his teammates did everything to deliver the ball to him at all costs.

what a hassle.

you noticed that his demeanor on the court changed from what it used to be. tsukishima seemed more invested now - almost as if he was trying to impress you, to keep his word. as happy as it made you, you were still anxious about the match and it's final score, hand shaky and a bit sweaty as your eyes followed the ball flying around from one side of the net to another.

another spike from ushijima, it'll probably be another point for shiratoriza-

and that's when you realized.

you saw the ball hit the ground on shiratorizawa's side of the net surprised gasps from everyone watching the match. you saw the shocked look on ushijima's face, the horror in the eyes of his teammates as the ball bounced off of the floor for the second, third, fourth time.

silence took over the court for just a mere second, quickly interrupted by tsukishima's triumphant scream.

he looked more than content with his performance. he looked... happy.

the rest of the boys joined him, screaming in unison. it was just one point, right? but for some reason, for both you and tsukishima, this one was worth a thousand.

for the first time in years, tsukishima kei felt that his spark for volleyball came back.

you noticed that his eyes were now focused on you, a full, cheeky smile gracing his face, and it only made you tear up. a short moment, probably insignificant for people around, but for the two of you it was like a breath of fresh air, like getting rid of the shackles that once held you in place, enabling you from moving forward.

'y/n, are you... alright?' coach ukai looked with his brows slightly furrowed, confused by your teary eyes and big grin plastered to your face.

'yeah, yeah, i'm fine. sorry, coach.' you mumbled, bowing a little as your eyes focused on the court. 'actually, could kiyoko replace me here for the rest of the match? i'm not quite feeling well.'

'tsukishima is injured.'

'what?' akiteru spoke in unison with you, terrified voices mixing together as you looked down from the stands to see the boy walking off of the court and rushing to the medical office along with kiyoko. your instincts took over you - feet moving on their own as you quickly ran towards the same place.

the two blondes followed right behind you, stopping only when in front of the door to the medical office, gasping for air after such a short run. as athletic as your boyfriend was, you were quite the opposite; getting tired after a little to no physical activity at times.

tsukishima saw your head peeking through the doorframe, a small smile on his face the moment he laid eyes on you.before you opened your mouth to say something, he already gave you an answer.

'yes, i feel fine.' he stated quietly, sitting down on the edge of a chair. 'you don't need to worry.'

'are you going back on court?' he only gave you a small nod in response, seemingly feeling better already as he stood up, his hand taped up.

you looked up at him, taking in the expression on his face, just how focused he already was. he looked almost as if he already had a plan to defeat shiratorizawa in this match. seeing him so eager to go back and play almost made you laugh a little - you swore you never saw him get this invested into something ever.

'go and win then.' you mumbled, patting him on the shoulder as he headed towards the gym hall.

'oh don't worry. we will.'

you couldn't stop the tears rolling down your cheeks as you saw karasuno emerge victorious from the hardest volleyball match they had to play this year, hugging yachi tightly as both of you celebrated the win of your team.

the triumphant screams filled the gym hall, the team emotional after doing what many deemed impossible. as most of them enjoyed themselves, not planning on leaving the euphoric state for a long while, tsukishima could only think of doing one thing - going to you.

you were the only person he truly wanted to celebrate with.

after the ceremony of getting the medals, to everyone's utmost shock, considering your relationship wasn't exactly public, tsukishima went up to you almost immediately, a cocky smile on his face as he ruffled your hair, looking down at you from behind his glasses.

'you didn't exactly look quite as content with your performance before getting the prize.' you mumbled, looking at the blonde haired boy with your head tilted to the side.

'well, i could've blocked more of ushijima's spikes.' he started, rolling his eyes at the sole idea of not being able to do that during today's match. 'i only managed to block one and-'

you decided to use the only method that was for sure going to shut him up in that moment, lightly grabbing him by the tshirt and pulling him closer, lips clashing for a split second in a short, sweet kiss.

'no talking down on yourself today, kei.' you said, unconsciously smiling as you saw his face getting red at what you just did, cheeks covered by a tomato-like red colour. 'i'm proud of you no matter what you think about today's match.'

he stood still for a few seconds, as if processing what had just happened seconds ago, the redness on his face deepening with each passing moment. his hand was quick to grab yours, almost dragging you away from the team and to a more private, less occupied area of the building.

'do that again.' he mumbled, after he finally led you to a quiet hallway.

'huh?'

'it was... nice.'

your eyes lit up, a cheeky smile gracing your face as you finally realized what he was on about.

'ohh, you want another kiss?' you said teasingly, eyes quickly glancing from his face down to his lips. he rolled his eyes, unamused by your act of playing dumb.

'come on, don't make me repeat myself.' still somewhat embarrassed of what he was asking for, tsukishima stood in one place, awaiting your next action.

a sigh left your lips as you took a step towards your boyfriend, standing on your tippy toes to be able to reach his face.

'alright. i guess you deserve it, match mvp.'

your arms were wrapped around his neck in no time as your lips gently touched his, tsukishima immediately kissing you back, hands positioned on your waist as you felt a smile creeping up on his face. he let out a short laugh, seeing your face being just as red as his was moments ago, hand reaching to squeeze yours.

'what?' you mumbled, as he hasn't spoken a word since breaking the kiss.

'that's surely the best prize i got today.'

taglist: @moonswolfie @wyrcan @kitsune-kita

[antisocialsharky]

ASPD: The Desire for and Run from Intimacy

This post will only contain my personal opinion and experience. It may not be applicable to all other people with ASPD and may likewise be relatable to people who do not have it.

I am only going to be talking about emotional intimacy, but this post is definitely also applicable to the other type of intimacy!

I'll make myself pretty vulnerable in this post, by discussing my personal experience, so you better not make me regret that!

Abbreviations:

ASPD = Antisocial Personality Disorder

ASPD is a disability caused by prolonged childhood trauma (with many possible variations), that develops in order to protect the brain from said trauma, or rather to help the brain deal with it in some way!

While the consequences of this in the context of intimacy, look different for every person with ASPD, many do report: a difficulty with developing bonds, having problems trusting people & giving away control, losing feelings for people quickly and abruptly/getting "bored" of people, responding extremely to arguments, having problems dealing with peoples emotions/ problems with being close to people etc.

This may be due to a variety of factors, but does often tie back to having no or few positive experiences with intimacy, having not learned how to exist in relationships properly/a lack of being socialized, not having the necessary prosocial emotions and mechanisms to deal with it and other similar things.

While this causes some people with ASPD to develop a brain, that does not have a need for emotional intimacy at all, others develop a brain, that craves the emotional intimacy it has been denied, but which will also fight said intimacy at every turn.

Thats as much generalized info as I can give you, as the exact representation of this is highly individual, but I will offer my personal experience on the following slides!

What you need to know is that I was accidentally neglected for huge parts of my childhood and teens and did not get my emotional and social needs met most of the time, while also knowing that my parents were theoretically capable of that, as they were giving everything I lacked to my sibling.

This caused me to grow up with a burning desire for intimacy, while being disappointed by people time and time again, failing to actually develop the things needed to experience this intimacy and partially growing to resent it and viewing it as "weak" and "bad".

Ever since then I have been stuck in what I like to call the "ASPD stages of running". Theres different points in getting close to people (in any nature of a relationship), that'll send me running and feeling like I am "weak" for wanting it, or as if being close to people is the worst thing that could happen.

The stages (simply put) are:

1. Desiring/Daydreaming about my dream relationship

2. Looking at peoples relationships/Looking at people with the intent of getting closer to them

3. Talking to people (online or irl)

4. Getting closer / being friends with people

5. Being friends with people for longer

Optionally:

6. Getting so close that a romantic relationship may happen

7. The moment of getting in the relationship / the days after

8. Being in the relationship for a bit

At any of those stages, I'll very likely have one or multiple moments where my ASPD will try to get the better of me and will try to convince me to just run away, drop contact and never talk about it again. Even just admitting to this and talking about it is hard as fuck, because it is so deeply ingrained in my brain to see emotional intimacy as a weak and dangerous thing.

What this will look like exactly really depends on the person and situation, but things that have happened in the past were:

• blocking the person and everyone I am friends with and pretending I am no longer alive

• my brain fixating on their faults in order to give me a good reason to hate them so I don't get closer to them and can hold them at arms length

• responding less often/more dryly or ignoring messages entirely

• not replicating the energy of the conversation/relationship

• staging an incident so I ruin the relationship

• running at the first signs of a disagreement

• avoiding people when they are emotional

• feeling uncomfortable around people as a whole => isolating

• beating myself up about letting it happen again

• impulsively bumping the relationship to another stage, just to immediately regret it (in a "fuck that has consequences" way)

• shutting off all my emotions, dissociate or otherwise make sure to stop the feelings (or just lose them automatically)

To put it in a shorter and more simple way, I'll usually either get the fuck outta there, or make sure to change the relationship/my personal position in the relationship to a more comfortable and less vulnerable and intimate level. This may also just look like me shutting off, becoming distant, or seeming mad, when all I am is overwhelmed by the intimacy and grossed out that I actually need and desire that.

As you can possibly imagine, that is not the most useful thing, as it causes issues in relationships, cuts friendships short and makes dealing with people a lot harder!

The most frustrating thing about this for me though is, that even if the most perfect friend or partner came along and even if the relationship would work at first, I am very very likely to crash it against the wall, simply because my brain cannot handle having the things, that it needs and desires.

It desires a hug and runs from the one who offers it.

It needs help and bites the hand that does.

It needs love and gets grossed out by whoever offers it.

It wants attention and can't handle it when it gets it.

It wants gifts, but doesnt know what to do when it gets them.

Whatever it wants, it can't have, so it keeps wanting, keeps yearning, keeps desiring and has to watch itself be unable to accept any of it.

And if that sounds painful, thats because it is.

Its a vicious kind of pain when you have to watch yourself ruin yet another thing, because your brain can't handle it, while you scream at it in frustration to get its act together, because it also is everything you desperately need.

ASPD sucks when it comes to intimacy and it especially sucks when it comes to talking about it, or being honest about these problems. It developed to protect me from being too "weak" to deal with the trauma and now its practically preventing me from showing any "weakness" or seeking out what previously hurt me. Which wouldn't be this bad, if I didn't still have this kid in me that just wants to be loved and daydreams about all the things, the ASPD hates.

When your shell disagrees with your core and you're not strong enough yet to break your shell, what does that really leave you with, other than curling up into a spiky ball and letting the shell do its job? I know I still need the protection, but I wish it wasn't actively preventing me from learning to live without it.

First posted on my instagram (same @)

[signedeclipse]

Signed with Love - Upper Moons

What is this? - A valentines gift to my lovely fem!readers! Its valentines/love letters cards from your favourites <3

Characters - Akaza | Daki | Douma | Gyokko | Gyutaro | Hantengu | Kaigaku | Kokushibo | Muzan | Nakime

Series Parts Kamaboko Squad - HERE The Hashira - HERE

Akaza

To the girl of my dreams, Happy valentines! I'm sure you thought i'd forget sorry about last year, but I've got plans and everything. Theres a light show in the city, if you want to come I'm sure we can stop for some snacks and i'll get you the best view of them. If that sounds like a plan, i'll be by your house the moment the sun goes down. Can't wait to see you dolled up, Akaza.

Daki

Dove, Free your schedule on the 14th, I won't let plans get in the way of us spending this year together after so many times of it falling through! Oiron duties always take precedent, but I'm sure I can pull some strings to spend the night with you, the "new" girl, to do some "training". Dress for the part, I know you can lie your way in. Good luck, even if I know you won't need it, 'Warabihime'

Douma

Hello, lovely! I am over the moon knowing i'll get to spend valentines with you again! I miss you more and more every day you are away... How about this year we sneak away from the cult and I show you someplace you might really enjoy, and we can pick up some treats you like to keep at the estate! Don't leave me waiting too long. You know who ♡

Gyokko

To my precious muse, This velentines marks a decade together, and I figure its about time I let you closer than ive let any other. I know I can be more conservative in sharing my art, but this year i'd like to take you into my studio and teach you some of my craft. You know where to find me. Wear something you don't mind having ruined. Gყσƙƙσ

Gyutaro

Angel, I promised i'd always ask, so I expect you to say yes when I ask you to be my valentine again. It's too risky to go out with being on the radar, so when you come back home keep low and we'll do something simple. I can't risk getting you in trouble. Don't stray too far, GT.

Hantengu

Dearest, If possible, I would really appreciate if maybe you might consider being my valentine Whatever you'd like is yours Please H/S/K/A/Uro/Z/Ura

Kaigaku

Princess, I know you'll say yes anyways, so instead ill congradulate you for keeping me intrigued for so long. Long enough to call you my valentine. I'll be home to see you the moment the sun drops, and we can spend all night hanging out. I like you better where no one else can chew on you like eye candy, so I'll bring some snacks you like if it keeps you inside, Don't get too flattered, Yours, Inadama

Kokushibo

To the most beautiful woman I know, I would be honoured if you would decide to be my valentine once again. If you are inclined to accept my invintation, know that not a drop of the night would be wasted on anything you wouldn't like. You know you can trust me. I anticipate your responce, 黒死牟

Muzan

To the only sunshine I require; With this letter is a box of clothing. It's all custom to your fit and yours now, pick whatever you like and wait outside the gates of tokyo by sundown tonight. We'll be visitng some places I know you've wanted to see, and I'll make sure it's not on an empty stomach. Don't leave me waiting, M. Kibutsuji

Nakime

My dearest lullaby I am not one to partake in holidays, however, I cannot help myself when it comes to you. I was hoping you would be my valentine; not just today, but in life as well. There is a concert hall I used to perform at, and I would like to bring you there to hear the music I was so very fond of. It is very formal, so if you need any help getting ready you have my assistance. I miss your sweet song, Nakime Otokawa

Authors Note - This took me so long ahhhh thank you for your patience darlings <3 The tags took me longer than writing this entire thing /j

Disclaimer - All characters within have been aged up to at least 18 or older, and have been altered to reflect such change as needed.

[bulldagger-bait]

Went on a date and they were like "I'm sorry you're disabled". My first thought was to get frustrated or feel patronised, but, that doesn't get us anywhere. So i thought about it and tempered my reaction, and what I came to was this: they're sad, but I'm not!

I understand the impulse to feel bad about my life situation. I get it. It sucks. Like objectively. It bums me out too sometimes.

But im not sorry I'm disabled, I'm happy I'm alive! Im happy with disability, not in spite of it. It's a part of my life. I can no more be miserable about my disability than I can be about getting a bad haircut. It's a part of me and I can either live with it, or I can suffer. If those are my options i choose live with it. Its really that simple and drastic.

Disability means pain, yes, but pain does not mean suffering. I am in pain every day of my life, but I do not suffer. How does that work? I live my life. I live! Isn't that wonderful? I am alive and I have a good, privileged life! I have friends. I have community. I have family. I have passions. So long as i can find the good, I am not focused on my pain, and if i am not focused on my pain it cannot consume me, and if it cannot consume me then I cannot suffer.

My disability is just another thing that is part of me. I don't look at what I can't do. I look at what I want to do, and I find a way to get there.

My life looks different from an able bodied person's life. It just does, and it always will. It's going to be different. I can either embrace it, or I can be miserable. I can either live with it or i can suffer.

I choose to embrace it. I choose to live with it.

It wasn't easy to do so, don't get me wrong. I was miserable for such a long time. I wanted to die; I wanted to die so badly. I thought there was no worth in my life and that I'd never be worth anything. But that's not true.

My life is beautiful. It's not exactly what i wanted for myself, and yeah, if i could wave a magic wand and be in a perfect body... I wouldnt even hesitate to take that option. But that's not gonna happen. So i look at what I have, and I'm so grateful to have it in the first place.

I could be so much worse off. Im fortunate. Im lucky. Im an immigrant success story. I live in a better land. Im happy here. Im well integrated. This place is my home. My country looks after me. I dont want for food. I dont want for shelter. Thats amazing. So if I can look at the little things that im grateful for and build from there...

I dont have all the abilities i want. I will never have everything I want, no matter how simple it may seem. So instead, I will be grateful for what I do have.

Im not sorry i'm im a wheelchair! Im happy! How many people in the world dont have a wheelchair who need one? Im fortunate to have one. My wheelchair is freedom. My world opened up when i got my wheelchair the same way it did when i got my licence.

My life may be sad to you, but its not sad to me. And if its not sad to me, then its not sad! You dont have to feel sad for someones disability. I think its natural to want them to be able to do the same things you can, or to achieve the same things you can. I think you should foster that desire into finding ways to help bridge the gap between what someone can do and what they cant. Access is how you bridge that gap.

Feeling sad for someone with disability is a natural empathetic response. I think its wrong to shame people for it, but it is worth it to redirect their thinking. They are sad for me, but its because they can only see limits. But disability isnt about seeing limits, its about finding out how to move past them.

My life might look sad to you, but you dont know what i can do. You dont know how far ive come. You dont know what my life looks like beyond my disability because you've never been shown that. Its not a story thats told. And i dont mind showing you that theres more to my story than what i cant do.

So, i dont mind if someone tells me theyre sorry im in a wheelchair. Im not. Lets get past that impulse of empathy, and have a real conversation. Because you'll see that i'm not sad. I have a rich life and im happy. Once you can see all that joy, the wheelchair becomes secondary. Of course i'm happy, my life is good.

The wheelchair. The disability. Its set dressing. Its the stage my life takes place on. We cant ignore it. Its there. But it is not so big that it robs goodness from my world.

Am I happy about having my disability? No. But I'm not sad about it. Not anymore.

And that is going to be true about any other disabled person you meet. We dont need pity, because our lives dont warrant it. We dont need you to feel bad for us, because there is no need to feel bad. Its just life. Thats how it goes sometimes.

Once a disabled person's hit the acceptance stage, there's really no need to offer them your sympathies anymore. Be happy with them in their life, however that looks.

[kingwuko]

so, random writer question. how do you manage writing so many multi chapter fics at the same time? i feel like you update them all pretty frequently. any tips for writing multiple fics at once?

Hello anon! Wow!! I am really flattered that you sent me this! For one thing, thank you for saying it feels like I update all my fics pretty frequently! I sometimes feel like I'm not updating often enough, so hearing someone say that actually makes me feel good about the frequency I update.

As for the question, how do I manage it and if I have any tips, I will definitely try to share what has been working for me so far. It's long. I'm sorry 🤣

First of all, I really need to credit a different fic writer from a different fandom. @pikapeppa is a fanfic author that I really look up to in terms of her writing style, her update consistency, and for finishing multi chaptered longfics. When I was trying to steel myself for writing Secret, I sent her a asks and she gave helpful advice! She has writing tutorials if you want to check them out.

I also posed a similar question to her about juggling multiple fics at once, and she gave some really kind advice about not giving in to hustle culture and just writing what makes me excited instead of worrying about update frequency!

So, for me, these are the things that help me with juggling all these fics:

1. Taking care of my mental health

I have always love writing, but when I'm in a bad place mentally, it's not happening. I've come a long way and figured out what I needed. When my mental health is well managed, I find joy in writing which is crucial for me to, well, write!

2. Organization

Okay I feel like there might be a better word because I'm like, the least organized person in the world. But, what I really mean is, I keep all my fics separated and labeled in my Google drive. I have folders nested inside folders and do my best to label all my folders and docs. That way I can keep things together that I need for each fic, and I can easily open and reference anything I need.

For example:

This is mostly because I have different back stories and headcanons for each fic, so this helps me keep it all straight. It also makes it quick and easy to look stuff up. I have transcripts saved and an outline and an idea dump where I can look if I need help.

3. Deciding which fic to focus on

This is tricky because I feel like I'm still figuring this out myself. At first I was forcing myself to to rotate them in order, now (at the advice of @pikapeppa ) I write whichever fic I'm most excited about. This is working better for me. I need to shift my mindset when I work on a different fic, because my fics have different tones. If I force myself to shift mindsets, it's trickier. If I just do what I'm most excited about, it feels more natural to get into the right mindset and I write faster! That includes my one shots. Sometimes I'm not working on the next chapter. Sometimes a one shot has my attention.

Comments, asks, and discussions in my discord group actually influence what I'm excited about quite a bit! So if you notice it's been a while since I've updated something, and you comment on it, there's a good chance it'll give me that dopamine rush to naturally shift back to that fic haha.

I also don't reply to comments on the latest chapter until I've posted the next one. It's kind of a carrot on a stick for myself. If I make myself wait to reply til I post the next chapter, it's another incentive that helps me get excited!

4. Writing

I'm so sorry to say this. But in order to write fics, you have to. Well. Write. I know this is very upsetting for me to hear sometimes. 🤣

Theres tons of posts out there about how to write if you're struggling or you're stuck. I'm sure they have better advice than I do. But what works for me are the following things:

Outline, then write the chapters in order. Some people prefer to write out of order, to write the scenes they're excited first. But for me, writing in order gives me something to look forward to. It's easier to get through the less exciting but crucial scenes and chapters if I know I have a really fun scene right around the corner.

Write badly. My first drafts are pretty rough. There's lots of cringe. Terrible grammar. Incomprehensible sentences. Weird ideas that sounded good in my head but just do not work in writing. Sometimes I don't even know what I want to say, and I just throw some brackets in: [transition here]. For dialogue I'll write it in script form first before adding dialogue tags. Honestly once you get past the uncomfortableness of writing badly, it gets easy. It's word vomit. But guess what, no one has to see it but me!

Write whenever the mood strikes (as long as it's safe to do so). I figured out pretty quick that if I didn't jot ideas down when they hit me, they'll be gone later. If I waited to write until I had the perfect environment, I would never get any writing done (I have four kids and job, my environment is never perfect for writing 😅). This is why I write in Google docs. I can write on my computer (which I prefer) but I can also write ANYWHERE on my phone. I tend to do quite a bit of micro writing throughout the day. Between clients at work. Waiting in the school pickup line. Laying in bed before I fall asleep. Taking a walk (carefully and in a low/no car traffic path!) any moments throughout the day that I get a few minutes of peace and quiet. Just don't write when you're driving obviously 🤣

Edit when I am feeling good. All those brackets I throw in have to get resolved eventually. If I go through and edit when I'm feeling really good and focused, it's much easier. If I try to edit when I'm distracted or having a bad day, it's probably not gonna be great or I'll probably get stuck and struggle.

Use a beta reader. Okay. Listen. There are a million fics out there that aren't beta read. Obviously tons of writers do great without them. Not me. In addition to the fact that having a beta reader just makes my work more polished and understandable, it also gives me some external accountability. My beta reader, @badgermolebender, doesn't even really do anything extra to encourage me to write, it's just KNOWING that they're there, for some reason, helps me to write. And there are plenty of people out there who will beta read and also gently nudge you to write by checking in occasionally. 'hey how's the next chapter coming along? Need to bounce some ideas around? Let me know!' (psst if you want a beta reader for a Wuko fic, or any Lok fic, I'm available!!!! Even other fandoms if I know them!)

5. Be kind to myself.

Writing fanfic is a hobby. It's supposed to be enjoyable, for the most part! We can't hold ourselves to the same standards as people who write novels for a living. They have editors, they get paid for publishing, they have deadlines pushing them forward; and I'm sure other things I don't know about because I don't write novels for a living!!! We just have our fandom community and our free time. So we aren't going to be churning out novel length fics as quickly as R.L. Stine. You'll have gaps where life got in the way and a fic gets put on hold. It's fine. Just pick it back up when you can.

I have no idea if any of that is helpful, but that's my writing method these days. Look, I'm just a boring thirty-something trying to live my best life after neglecting myself in my twenties. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm having fun!

[alittlebitofloveliness]

To cope cause this week has not been a vibe, which outsiders character could you picture going through something like this?

I remember when I was really little I use to love wearing dresses and anything pink and girly. I loved to feel like a princess, but then I got a bit older and suddenly being girly was seen as silly and like weak?

The girls around me dressed more tomboyish and some of my friends closer to me would hang out with boys more and play sports. I didn't mind that of course but I felt out of place. Because it became VERY clear to me that a lot of people view being overly girly as weak or silly.

I think I internalized this HEAVILY because at a certain point I hated wearing dresses or anything overly girly. I stuck with alot of t-shirt and jeans after that and tried to act more boyish. Which backfired because then the boys thought I was weird and looked too much like a boy. And now I'm…I’m trying to get wear dresses and skirts again. But l'm scared that I separated myself from being girly and feminine to the point that I don���t know how to act like a girl again. Which kind of makes me sad, because I’m just reminded of that ten year old girl that I was who loved being girly, and wanted to look like a Disney princess.

Oh anon I wanna give you the absolute biggest big sister bear hug right now, you have no idea. I feel like this is something every little girl goes through to a point? I definitely did, I spent my whole childhood loving beatiful sparkly things, and all of middle school trying to prove I didn't. I think its part of the 'I'm not silly/shallow/foolish like other girls please take me seriously as a human' internalized misogyny thing that just about every girl goes through at some point, but it really sucks because obviously theres nothing wrong with liking feminine things and liking feminine things does not prevent women from being intelligent, full human beings deserving of respect, but shit the patriarchy goes hard and so many women have this phase. I'm so grateful that I worked to kind of unlearn that as best I could in high school because I really do love wearing dresses and doing my makeup and all my sparkly things and I was unhappy when I felt like i couldn't. Anyway, this is just a really long winded way of saying i totally understand where this is coming from, and also that being girly and liking stereotypically feminine things is not what MAKES someone a girl, and you're not failing at being one if you genuinely don't like dresses and makeup, but if you DO and you're struggling to embrace wearing them again (which it sounds like you are) that that's okay too because in time it will feel natural again, and you'll feel pretty and live your best disney princess dreams. (also if you ever need someone to hype you up or want makeup tips or anything I'm totally here for you! i ADORE fashion and playing with different styles and I have PERFECTED the bold red lip to the point its something I'm kind of known for on my uni campus, and basically I think i can help you learn to be excited about girly things again if you want to be).

ANYWAY, now i'm done yapping about that I can talk about which outsiders characters I think would struggle with this and (while I might get hate for it) I think SANDY definitely went through this phase. I see her as a character who has always felt powerless so she resorts to trying to take any power she could. As a lower class woman in the sixties, that would be hard for her to come by, so I think she'd try to reject femininity and all that womanhood entails for a while. Maybe her dad always treated her brothers better than he treated her so she always wanted to be more like them, or maybe when she struggled to make friends with the girls at school she turned to acting/dressing tomboyish to try and make friends with the boys.

Another one I could see with this same issue would be Susie Mathews. I think with a brother like Two-bit, who she loves but also sees and hears joking about and objectifying women, Susie would want to be nothing like the 'dumb blondes' her older brother is known for pursuing. I could also see her mother making comments here and there about the young women at the bar she works at so Susie might have also internalized that slut shaming mentality and dressed in more boyish attire so she wouldn't be seen as 'one of those girls'

Hope this was helpful and at least semi coherent I am running on very little sleep.

Thanks for the ask xx

[hms-no-fun]

Currently struggling a lot with getting very excited about a project, writing a lot, editing that writing until it's way more polished than what I can come up with off the cuff, and then being too intimidated to add to the document anymore since the previous good writing still gives off this looming intimidation if that makes sense? The more I write the greater the fear is I'll crash the story into a ditch that reveals the premise can't work. have you had that "its not all coming together shit theres a snag thats really important that i missed" moment? I realize it's pretty inevitable for that to happen, but whenever I write myself out of a moment like that I always second guess that I'm still overlooking something important or taking the easy way out. I know it's probably just all about pushing through but I worry that by pushing im just further diluting the original spirit of the project? Sorry for the all over the place ask, hope you have a good day :3

this is always a tough situation to navigate as a writer. happens to me often, and it has taken me a very long time to come even remotely close to being able to deal with it productively. believe it or not, i actually have quite a lot to say about this, so prepare for that below the break.

first of all, no, it's absolutely NOT all about pushing through. i find "pushing through" can just as often make the problem worse. keep in mind that i can only speak to my own experience and process, so any advice i might give here should only be taken insofar as you personally find it useful.

this is a form of writer's block. there are many different types of blocks, each with their own causes and hypothetical treatments. a big part of becoming A Writer as such is learning the difference between them, and developing methods for dealing with them on a case by case basis that don't involve substance abuse. don't do cocaine. that's step one.

most of my blocks are in the vein you describe. i'll be writing a scene that feels good, until i cross a threshold somewhere and suddenly the whole thing feels dead in the water. the first thing i do when this happens is stop writing. it's hard to stop when you're on a roll, i know. life is short and it's hard enough to write even on a good day, but sometimes you can just tell that you're on the wrong track and at that point you're probably not gonna be able to write your way back on.

once stopped, i check the basics. have i eaten recently? am i hydrated? have i taken my medications? these are rarely my problem (i keep a big water bottle with me at all times and my gf makes sure i'm fed), though you never know how useful a snack break can be. most of the time if the problem isn't with the text, it's that i've been writing for too fucking long and i need to clock out. learning to clock out is SO hard. but as i've been getting into the habit these last couple months, while i generally write less per day i ultimately end up writing more over time. i can feel my brain cooking when i've been writing too long. it's a muscle like anything else. if you did a bunch of overtime shifts at a more physical job, you'd need time to recover too. your body isn't a machine, your brain isn't a computer, and living things are inconsistent. it sucks but you'll have a better time all around when you learn to work with your body instead of against it.

another question is, have i showered recently? i find showers tedious and boring. also i still have depression even though my life is a lot better than it used to be. i lived on my own for a very long time as a deeply closeted self-hating trans woman, so my hygiene habits are not always up to sniff. as much as i hate to admit it, showers help. i can't tell you how many times i've sat at a godfeels chapter or video script and just felt fucking miserable, only to come back forty minutes later from a shower, full of creative energy. i despise self-help shit. just not a fan of the culture of positive attitude wellness check stuff because you can't self examine your way out of your class position. sometimes the problem is that you're broke. sometimes life fucking sucks and you just don't have the art in you, and that's okay. there's a common misconception that if something bad happens to you, at least you can make an art to get through it. but in my experience it's actually a lot harder to make art about bad times when you're still in them. most of the time it takes months if not years of safety and recovery before you can really face it head on artistically. so like, be nice to yourself. it's not your fault that you live in a society.

but also sometimes literally you just need a shower or to eat some leftovers or to go to fucking bed. i hate it every time that is true because i want my problems to be real and philosophical and not just some dumb body thing that happens to everyone. alas, no one can escape the quotidian obligations of simple mortality.

THAT SAID! this stuff isn't usually my problem, and often i find that what's solving the problem when i do step away to eat/drink/shower isn't even the specific activity, but the act of stepping away at all. getting my mind off it for a sec. when i hit a block that doesn't feel completely insurmountable, i like to back away from my computer and pace around a bit. then i'll stare at my big whiteboard with a marker in hand and just let my mind wander. i don't even write anything half the time! but the mere act of trying to compartmentalize the problem into something brief enough for shorthand helps me spot the pain points.

one of my favorite books is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which despite what you might assume from its title is NOT a self-help book but instead a work of philosophy from 1974 taking the form of a travelogue. what Robert Pirsig explores in this book is what he calls the Metaphysics of Quality. basically he's trying to understand the split-second judgments we make of things we like and things we don't. i absolutely do not have time to go into the specifics, just know that his Quality refers to the abstract certainty you have when something is Good or Right or Correct or Qualitatively True. like how you pull your hand away unconsciously when you touch a hot stove, but for ideas. you just Know.

a scene that really sticks with me from that book (probably the most famous scene) is when Pirsig describes needing to fix a mechanical problem with his motorcycle only to be stopped dead in his tracks by a stripped screw keeping him from removing the engine cover. he talks about being so focused on the obvious solution to the primary complex problem that, on encountering a smaller, simpler problem that has to be dealt with first, he finds himself completely stuck, calling this "a zero of consciousness." it's a problem so annoying and minuscule and stubbornly unsolvable that you just want to hit the thing with a wrench and throw it in a river. addressing this new problem, this block, requires an adjustment in thinking. and here i'm going to quote a pretty lengthy passage, but don't worry, i'm typing it out by hand with the book in front of me so there's no time saved on my end:

Consider, for a change, that this is a moment to be not feared but cultivated. If your mind is truly, profoundly stuck, then you may be much better off than when it was loaded with ideas. The solution to the problem often at first seems unimportant or undesirable, but the state of stuckness allows it, in time, to assume its true importance. It seemed small because your previous rigid evaluation which led to the stuckness made it small. But now consider the fact that no matter how hard you try to hang on to it, this stuckness is bound to disappear. Your mind will naturally and freely move toward a solution. Unless you are a real master at staying stuck you can't prevent this. The fear of stuckness is needless because the longer you stay stuck the more you see the Quality-reality that gets you unstuck every time. What's really been getting you stuck is the running from the stuckness [. . .] Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. It's this understanding of Quality as revealed by stuckness which so often makes self-taught mechanics so superior to institute-trained men who have learned how to handle everything except a new situation. Normally screws are so cheap and small and simple you think of them as unimportant. But now, as your Quality awareness becomes stronger, you realize that this one, individual, particular screw is neither cheap nor small nor unimportant. Right now this screw is worth exactly the selling price of the whole motorcycle, because the motorcycle is actually valueless until you get the screw out. With this re-evaluation of the screw comes a willingness to expand your knowledge of it. [. . .] What your actual solution is is unimportant as long as it has Quality. Thoughts about the screw as combined rigidness and adhesiveness and about its special helical interlock might lead naturally to solutions of impaction and use of solvents. That is one kind of Quality track. Another track may be to go to the library and look through a catalog of mechanic's tools, in which you might come across a screw extractor that would do the job. Or to call a friend who knows something about mechanical work. Or just to drill the screw out, or just burn it out with a torch. Or you might just, as a result of your meditative attention to the screw, come up with some new way of extracting it that has never been thought of before that beats all the rest and is patentable and makes you a millionaire five years from now. There's no predicting what's on that Quality track. The solutions all are simple-- after you have arrived at them. But they're simple only when you know already what they are.

this is, in brief, my entire creative philosophy when it comes to writer's block. i share such a lengthy passage because i think it's useful to underline that we're not talking about a problem that is necessarily unique to the labor of writing. this process is a human process. it's just that with writing, the nature of the block itself is often much more difficult to identify than a stripped screw.

there's a couple things i do to try to identify what's got me stuck. a lot of times what happens is that everything in a scene felt good until it didn't, and then everything after that moment fell flat. so i'll go back and read the whole thing and just try to feel the scene. is everyone in character? is their dialogue too quippy, or too aggressive, too expository? are we in the midst of a conversation that has simply gone on way too fucking long? i know it can be torturous to reread your own stuff but idk what else to say except get used to it. especially when you're still early in the drafting phase! like if you know you're not gonna release this thing imminently, there's no reason to be precious about the stuff that's good or to beat yourself up over the stuff that's bad. i know that compulsion to try to Get Everything Right The First Time is strong, but it's completely unsustainable.

sometimes the block is that i just don't feel like writing narration. i've always sucked at grounding a scene with descriptions of the place. lately i'm trying to get away from relying solely on descriptions of staging/blocking, but it's hard for a bitch like me who mostly prefers writing dialogue. i've gotten a lot more comfortable with putting notes between dialogue exchanges like [character moves, looks at picture, has a dramatic thought, other character fiddles with object]. it can feel like cheating sometimes but it's not. there's no such thing. no one will know the route you took to get to the end. they will only see what you show them, when you decide to show it to them.

sometimes the block is in some minor or major betrayal of the story's spirit. the (Terezi) & Jade scene i talked about in this ask is a good example. i hit a point where nothing was working anymore. no one would talk to me. the light was gone. i can always tell when i made the wrong choice. it's such a particular sensation. as though i'm walking and i realize i no longer recognize the road i'm on and must've made a wrong turn somewhere. the solution to this particular block is introspection, retracing my steps, because the wrong turn isn't always obvious. maybe it's that someone in the scene is being too mean, or that i've failed to accomplish what the scene exists to do in some way, or that someone's made an uncharacteristic choice that now everyone in the scene is arguing about and it's like, man, this is taking too long, i'm not enjoying this anymore.

another example from A1 is the second half of the solo. i'd had most of the jasprose scene, the karkat-calliope-roxy scenes, and the vrisrezi-jade scenes written since i posted the A1 chorus. where i ran into trouble was that i needed to get jane, jake, and (terezi) to show up. my original plan was to have them arrive one by one, thus allowing their individual dramas a moment in the spotlight before being subsumed into the group. not a bad idea in theory but in practice it was fucking tedious. here we have a bunch of characters already immersed in the scene captured by the intrigue of Jade being enigmatic, and then some unawares jagoff wanders in and suddenly everyone has to stop what they're doing and be like "hey hello how are you what's up" and then they explain how they got there and then they ask what's up and it's such a DRAG. honestly i would say the majority of my creative blocks by volume are moments when the story really wants me to just cut to black for a smoke break and come back when somebody gets mad enough to throw a punch. i mean that's the the development of A1 in a nutshell. originally everyone was gonna start the track locked up in space-jail on the hopebringer, jade would show up all apologetic and say what she expects padua's deliberation to be, then the whole cast would see her throw a fit over a decision she knew was coming, they'd all be absolved of guilt and let free, then they'd all argue about who's staying or going with Jade in the morning, they'd split up to go pack their stuff and then...

well that was exactly the problem. i wanted to get all the pertinent things out of the way. jade's code switching, voidthought, some EWL teases. give the whole cast a chance to react to it. i thought that would be expedient, because it got the Plot out of the way and gave time to characters for Feelings. if that version of the scene had come at the end of chapter 8, it might have worked. but i realized that as soon as jade's audience was no longer captive, i had no fucking clue what to do with them anymore. we already knew who would go with jade, so acting like that's some kind of mystery is just lame. i started writing A1 from a place of desiring informational density & a quick pace, because we've got places to go and things to do. but if the real purpose of A1 is to explore why these characters choose to go with Jade, then that needed to be done with a lot more care and precision. that's when i decided to let Jade spend two days underground making the earth right again, so that she has to come to everyone individually rather than the other way around. and it muddies her motivations, if you don't mind the pun. it puts her at an appropriate remove from the others. i ultimately wound up conveying all the same information as in the original version, but i did it in a way that was more appropriate thematically and artistically. it wound up being longer road than i anticipated, but this is a long story and in this case the longer road was better for the journey.

take the chapter where Jade visits Roxy. i needed some time with Roxy alone to set the scene, since she's the first person Jade decides to visit and i like writing about the insides of trailer homes. i wanted to get some politics from Jane in this chapter, so hey, why not throw in a televised speech? oh, and then i can have some tucker carlson types remind us that Earth C is a fucking mess. i wrote all that, and it was good, but it was just Roxy watching tv. i tried to get into Jade's arrival and couldn't. so i went back and realized, oh, Roxy should be yelling at the tv the whole time! now we get Jane's politics, Roxy's reactions to those politics, as well as bits and pieces of context re: Jane's relationships with Karkat and Roxy. now when Jade arrives, we can play with the question of whether she heard the speech from outside Roxy's door, and why neither of them was physically at the speech in the first place. there's tension and imbalance in Roxy's state of mind when Jade does arrive, so we're more inside her perspective than we usually are, which in turn helps us identify with her when Jade starts infodumping about antimemes.

so often for me, working through a block is a matter of doing a better job utilizing what's available to you. going back to the A1 solo and trying to bring Jake, Jane, and (Terezi) into the scene. i finally returned to it after a couple months of being sick and dealing with life problems. i was frustrated because i'd hoped to be several tracks in to 3.2 by now, and instead i was confronted with just how much more of this thing is left and how long that might take if i couldn't pick up the pace. this thing NEEDED to get done.

and then i remembered that Jasprose is literally right there.

and that was it! problem fucking solved! i had jasprose drop all three of them into the scene completely unceremoniously using manic teleportation through a fenestrated plane, and from there the entire rest of the chapter erupted out of me in a single go. it's such an obvious solution to the problem that you as reader probably assumed it was the plan from the very beginning. but it's like Pirsig says: the solutions all are obvious-- after you've arrived at them.

then there's the problem of overwriting. i actually did i think four different versions of the opening to the A1 solo. the first person narration was a late addition. i tweaked that scene so so so many times. it kept feeling close but not quite. when i did the thing where i reread to find where the block happened, instead of actually reading the thing i just kept finding spots where i could write more. i can extend this anecdote. this line could be better. maybe a comma here would work better than an ellipsis...

this can be good because sometimes what's blocking you is that you skipped over something that needed more time. maybe some information or a dramatic emphasis that gives the stuff you can't yet write the momentum it needs to get going again. but i've gotta be real careful doing this, because i can do it forever. and then, as you describe (hey look, i'm actually talking about your specific problem now!), that hyper-polished section sets everything else up to fail by comparison.

i think the trick is knowing the difference between when a scene needs an editing pass vs when a scene just straight up isn't working. when it's not working, sometimes you do just have to throw it all out and start over. but if it's good enough that you feel like all it's missing is better dialogue and some more description, then you can hold off on that polish until the rest of the thing is done. this conundrum is most common at the beginning of a chapter or story in my experience, precisely as a result of the process i've been describing this whole time. when you hit a block and retrace your steps, you can always find things to fix. so it's sort of natural that any given chapter becomes less polished the further along you get in to it. that's why it's so important to understand the differences between all these different types of blocks, and to remind yourself that literally nothing you've written is finished until the moment you've made it public.

a big part of getting the A1 solo out the door was me swallowing my desire for perfection in every exchange and saying, no, this is good enough. it's not 100% what i want, but it's close enough that it just isn't worth the effort it would take to get there. sometimes there are scenes that are worth that effort, but they are always rarer than you think and they're never the ones you'd expect. i will freely admit that there are a lot of characters expositing their motivations in this chapter. i tried to embed as much of that in humor or drama as i could, but sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and walk away and hope your readers will be nice to you.

of course the funny thing is, once i finished the chapter and had all the panels sketched out and wiped my hands clean of the whole affair, janet needed two weeks to make the images. so i ended up having time to polish up a couple of those things that i felt were lacking after all. but those additions were radically small and intuitive, because i'd divorced myself from the raw production and had committed to so many directions that i *couldn't* change much. i'm so used to writing for release that i don't know what to do with myself when my part of the job is done before i can kick it out the door. i've come to find that waiting, taking breaks, walking away and coming back, do wonders for your ability to egolessly examine your work and identify what's wrong. sometimes you just need a day or two to sleep on it.

and sometimes you realize that you've really just over-written a scene, out of preciousness or insecurity or whatever else, and the result is so much bigger than everything else you want to do that it's more expedient to just scrap it. i hate when this happens, man. i did this with an early version of the A1 chorus, when Jade is stuck in space alone and shouting about how unfair her life has been. you know sometimes there's an emotion in a scene that's addictive. some bit of pathos that you just feel down to your bones, fuck me man, this is so GOOD, this is so JUICY, this shit has QUALITY. it's so good you don't want it to be finished. so you keep writing it, and writing it, and you rewrite it, and you add to it, because you really want to squeeze every drop of emotion you can from the thing. and then you wind up with a bloated melodramatic mess that's so overplayed you've annihilated everything that compelled you to write it in the first place.

i want to be clear that this isn't wasted work. nothing you ever put to the page, no matter how ultimately useless it might prove to be, is wasted work. the way i see this whole process, top to bottom, is that there's this thing. i don't know what it is, but it's there. maybe it starts with an image, or a line of dialogue, or a relationship, or a natural vista, whatever. it can be anything. what matters is it's a sign pointing you in a direction. it's something that has Quality that you can feel with such potent immediacy that you have no choice but to write it. the act of writing is something of an expedition, because the real magic of it comes when those disparate signs start colliding with one another. an image becomes a scene, a house, a world, a universe. sometimes these signs lead to dead ends, but with experience you learn to tell the dead ends from the rough patches. you learn how to make your own way. you do this by listening to what this thing is telling you. every story i've ever written has known better than me what it wants. i can impose so much onto it, i control 90% of the process at least. but that other 10% cannot, should not be quantified or controlled but simply understood. if you try to bottle the flame, you'll just end up snuffing it out.

no artist really knows why they do what they do or how they're able to pull it off. they can tell you their methods, their process, their coping mechanisms, they can write ludicrously lengthy diatribes on tumblr in response to an innocuous ask, but you can't pin down the soul of the thing. Quality is ephemeral, because it's first. it happens before you've had time to think, like putting your hand on a hot stove. you just know. and you have to trust that knowledge to carry you forward, not second guess it too much, not try to wrangle the thing into a shape it doesn't want to assume. sometimes this requires writing scenes that you don't love, because it's easier to build a messy bridge between the moments that drive you than it is to perfect every single moment out of an artificial commitment to like, Being A Good Writer or whatever.

a lot of this is just practice. you get better at communicating with your creative impulses. but also i think it helps to internalize that nobody sees the rough drafts, nobody sees the duct tape. and nobody knows the perfect vision you'll be convinced you failed to meet. nobody has ever made a perfect thing, and no one ever will. who wants to be perfect, anyway? godfeels wouldn't be what it is if i wasn't willing to let it be messy. if i'd tried to do it better, it never would have gotten done, and nothing i'm doing now would have even conceptually gotten to exist.

also, it's okay to abandon shit when it stops feeling good. i have so many unfinished books kicking around from my 20s, dude. i feel bad about some of them, but ten years not finishing books is still ten years spent writing. it's actually quite rare for good ideas to result in finished works, because good ideas are cheap and they're not all for you. but you gotta keep trying anyway because sooner or later you'll catch a spark that has real gas, and if you've done the work you'll be ready for it. it'll feel like destiny. it'll feel like magic, how matched that idea is to your skill level. but it won't be magic, it'll be skill. if you hadn't put the work in to know how to follow that intuition, it'd be just as dead an end as everything else you never finished. you do the work so that when you get lucky you can take advantage of it. so in that context, writing is quite low stakes. if it's not good enough, fuck it, try something else!

anyway i hope there's some decent insight buried in here somewhere. thanks for such a good question!

[mrsdeliberatecreater]

hi, im sorry for bothering u right now. ive been asking around for advice everywhere because i really need all the help i could use right now. my anxiety is flaring up like crazy because my results come out tomorrow and im so scared because if i mess this up then my future is ruined. my mental health has been horrible and that has severely affected my grades but in most asian countries they dgaf about that and basically think it's nonexistant for minors so ofc i'm still undiagnosed, and if i were to apply to a uni i wouldnt get any good chances anywhere. if i could just get 3 Bs in my AS levels it would be okay or else i'd have to retake it and it's super costly here.. i don't wanna put my family through that because they'll talk me down, degrade me, destroy my self esteem which i've managed to build back a little. they were like this since when i was the topper and thats what made me burnout. undiagnosed adhd, trauma, depression also contributed to it

im applying the law, but instead of the feeling of success that everyone else gets i feel panicked. the 'feeling' people usually get when they're in the wish fulfilled state, the feeling of accepting it and it being real—im not getting that. i dont see a clear picture when i visualize. every time i try to, i end up breaking down and feeling like a failure... but I'm still trying to go on because why is it that the people who hurt me and practically ruined my life get to live successfully, while i suffer? thats not fair... i promised myself that if i could just get 3 Bs, ill turn my life around and work really hard... but is it over for me? i want to win, im trying to, but im scared

im trying my best to visualize myself getting 3 Bs, reenacting my friends faces when i get the results, praying to God and thanking Him for blessing me and continuing to bless me, but there is this fear still lingering at the back of my mind... i feel like I'm not doing it right. i have like one day left and I'm so nervous. im going over posts, tweets, and every time I feel a little better, it all comes crashing down because of doubts. theres only one thing one my mind right now: 'how am I gonna turn it around in one day?' i know that the 3D does not matter and that everything is done in imagination, but here i feel like its not done in imagination either

right now nothings clicking in my head, whatever i read is getting scrambled in my mind, i feel so lost and empty. could u please tell me what to do in this specific situation? u can be as harsh as you want if that's what's needed to get the point across. im really sorry for the bother and id be really grateful if u could please help out, ive never been this desperate before... my life cant be over before it even started

Okay love. I need you to do something for me. Take 3 deeeeep breaths.

Okay?

I understand you completely. I understand what are going through completely. I'm Indian, so I know how it can be. I got yelled at by my sister for thinking that I might have ADHD. 👀 Its all good now though. I also used to deal with debilitating anxiety two years ago.. I barely left my room, let alone go to school for a master's degree that I chose and got into serious debt for.. I'm not making this about me, but I just want you know that change is possible.

Anytime you start to feel bad, a anxiety attack coming on, I want you to just keep taking calming deep breaths and focus on the now. Focus on the things you see, things you can hear, smell, etc. Its the feeling of "now". Come back to the "now" as many times as needed if you feel negative thoughts. I would affirm, "Everything is okay, everything will be okay", pick an affirmation that feels natural to you, and affirm.

If you like subliminals, I would recommend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX6BKBzVgfk&t=4s This has stopped so many of my anxiety attacks before I learned to let them go..

If not keep doing the breathing exercises. You will find that by repetition this will eventually release the reasons for feeling anxiety in the first place. Take things one day at a time. If it gets bad, ask someone you trust for help.

We alll have doubts. Doubts are fine. As long as you are just focused on the end/wish fulfilled/affirming, you are fine, even with doubts. You don't need to believe with 100% everything till you burst a blood vessel. If you feel like your doubts are overwhelming you, decide that nothing, not even you can stop your desires from manifesting. <3

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you". - Matthew 17:20

If you have the time, I would highly recommend IlluminatingJoy on youtube, especially her https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CT2xyCcoues&t=1727s

She has a really good grasp on manifestation and explains everything so well and accommodates it to fit our "logic", while completely validating human emotions. The exercise she does in this video is so so simple but seriously effective. I catch myself slipping at least once a day that would have spiraled if I hadn't done the exercise.

Also if you want to do this in a day, I want you to focus on your mental diet. Affirm affirm affirm.

If negative thoughts come up, you breathe and think "I can relax, I got all A's". Anything in the 3D reminds you think, "I can relax, I got what I wanted. Your family being mean to you? remember how in class after lunch, your teacher is talking but you're thinking about something else.

Also speaking of that, I know you said you can't your images clearly. That's fine. Visualizing is NOT imagination.

Visualizing is NOT imagination.

Visualizing is NOT imagination.

Visualizing is NOT imagination.

My visualizations are never clear and I manifest everything I imagine all the time. They all have that "vignette" effect lol..

Imagination can be a picture, it can be a smell, a touch, a voice, just how someone's clothes smell when they are standing really close to you like in an elevator. Like you can specifically smell it but you KNOW what I'm talking about right?

Your loved ones in your face? Use it YOUR ADVANTAGE. I used to hear my sister compliment me, it was easy to hear her voice. I primarily used her voice to fix our relationship. Cannot for the life of me picture her face properly but thats FINE.

You can use ANY of the senses, just one or two or all. Hear your family saying things you want in your mind. Hear them congratulating you, compliment you.

You can slowly work this into all the other aspects of your life...

By the way, you aren't lost and empty. You are a very caring person, you want to do things so that you don't let your family down, in spite of how they treat you. That to me is a genuinely caring person.

But you need to apply that same care to yourself. You don't need me to be harsh to you, YOU don't need to be harsh to you. You are working so hard to find answers but you ARE the answer. Its okay. Please just rest. Its all yours. Be more soft to yourself, be more kind to yourself, compliment yourself, you will start to see that kindness reflected in the 3D as well.

I have given you a lot of options here so you can pick and choose what makes YOU feel better so that YOU can focus on SELF because

Nothing to change but self

Reach out to me as many times as you would like, you could never bother me.

Nya 🌺

[madderruz]

thank u for postin wips of ya falin cosplay i been wanting to do her for so long but had no idea where to even start, actively taking notes as you make it!

amazing work cant wait to see how it all turns out

Absolutely I'm glad to help!! Here's some detail stuff that isn't really clear from the photos:

-the shirt that I'm wearing is actually a shirt and a shrug. The shrug is a stretchy knit fabric that I glued probably close to 800 real feathers on. Initially I used that quick dry fabric glue and it worked for some of them, but going forward I think I'm gonna switch to hot glue, just because it does have to move a lot in the process of putting it on.

The other shirt is a layer of power mesh sewed to a lace back (I decided to do lace for the back because in a lot of references theres feathers but you can also see her musculature like shoulder blades etc. So I figured something lacy and see thru would work best there.) And then theres a feather ish fabric sewn to the power mesh on the front. Keeping the brood patch visible was very important to me, but I don't want my stomach hanging out, hence the mesh.

The reason I did a shirt and a shrug instead of just a long sleeve shirt is because, if necessary, the shrug is there to hide any sort of harnessing that may be needed to keep the body (the centaur ass as I call it) level. It's not clear if I'll actually Need the harness because the body and the back legs are being made in a way that they'll just kinda roll across the ground as they move. The original plan was to have them completely articulated, but with the weight of it all its just not possible.

- if you do make this and need to make the digitigrade pants, MAKE A DUCT TAPE DUMMY to get your pattern!! If every fursuit maker on earth does it YOU DO IT TOO. I didn't do it and trying to get the pattern off of that myself was a maaajor pain.

- the stilts are flashy, they're the major thing people notice, but they are NOT without risk and need for training. The ones I have I made myself with dad's help following a build log from Willow Creative and a buunch of other videos, instructables, etc. There's a lot of ways to do them. I used aluminum slats, but wood is a cheaper, easier to work with choice, and there are many videos and tutorials for how to do it with wood.

The way that mine are built, with the toe stop, there is quite a bit of pressure on the front of your foot. If you have experience with high heels you'll probably have a better time than me. I've walked on the fronts of my feet forever, and I regularly roller blade, and even then after about 20 minutes my feet will start to ache. I'm hoping if I work with them like any other exercise they'll get easier, but who knows. I'd definitely say if you Want the look but without the hassle, look into pure digitigrade padding and fursuiting. It's still a hassle just in a different way lol.

Thank you once again!! There's a lot of ways to do these, and you could even make one in a way where all of its on your body (like wings with a shoulder harness, tail with a belt), or I've seen some where it was more translated to a dress....it's all cosplay! It's for fun! I'm a crazy person and making this for a contest so keep that in mind lol!! If you do ever make yours, send it to me!!!!

One last thing, if you have a cosgear account, I'm on there at Maltrock !!

[silentstaresfanficandfanart]

THE GAME IS DONE aside from some art :)

free to play and yes i know its on google docs im sorry I had no idea where else to upload this to, it had too many files for itch :( for those who don't know yet this is my mermay video game! just a game im trying to make over the course of mermay as a challenge thing me and a few of my readers are doing in the discord chat to make a cool creative concept for mermay. mines based on the prompt 'marine biologist' In this game you play as a sort of go-between for merfolk and human relations at an aquarium that often helps merfolk in need in the area as well as doing other aquarium duties

Its a visual novel and it has a LOT of endings and I will state theres special endings and diologue you get based on whether or not you laugh at Nikko's jokes at the beggining.

It's my first full game and I admit its also the thing that got me trying to do backgrounds. expect later releases to include visual changes and better art as well as improved sprites

theres a lil game in there like dressing up your little guys (sadly i cant figure out how to keep them in the costumes you put them in but at least you can put them in cute outfits) (you later unlock more options as well as another character to dress up by the second time going shopping)

and lots of fun antics with the characters :)

you do have to go down every route to get all the lore

and unlike most dating sims you dont really have the usual setup for building character relationships its more so a chose your own adventure style dating sim

theres a platonic route thats fully fleshed out too and is meant to be just as compelling as the romantic routes and the game is ENTIRELY SFW though there is mention of murder and possible cannibalisim amongst merfolk. mention of large storms. but its mostly a chill game where you get to befriend merfolk and your human companions

theres nikko, the human marine biologist who loves puns and is trying his best to be your friend

Nanonari the moon jellyfish emperor of the waters who has lost all faith in himself

and ketsueki the strange black tipped reef shark terrestrial biologist and human researcher

he cries a lot please be gentle with him If any other game developers or gamers know good websites for uploading your games (pay or for free) where theres an in browser feature especially id love that. I'm considering using GOG since I prefer their business practices (from what little ive seen) for things (if you havent checked out gog its just as legitimate as steam , ea games, etc. but it doesnt do the stuff with forcing you to be online to play, if i remember correctly its also the only place you can really get acess to the spore online services properly anymore (or easily? i think) and just generally feels a lot friendlier

things the game needs now: more soundtracks

more sound effects (considering trying to record myself playing my trusty slide whistle for several, several things ketsueki does. that shark just will not stop moving-)

I really hope you like it, if you play please comment below on your thoughts!

[allie-leth]

I don't talk about this much because it's from a pretty dark place in my life, but I feel like I should be more open about that part of my life if it could help others feel less alone. I've attempted suicide in the past. If you look closely, you can still see the various scars around my body from pretty serious self harm and attempts. I don't say this to illicit sympathy, i say this because I never thought life would get better, and it did. I never thought I'd love myself, and I do. It gets better. I know it's hard and may seem hopeless, I really do understand, but life is worth it, it can change in ways you never expect. Life can get better.

You're doing your best, and that's enough. You're enough. You got this. Theres so many people in life who will accept and love you for who you are. Just keep going, you'll find them.

[punderfullll]

Where would you recommend looking to purchase Touhou cosplay outfits? I've been looking through EZcosplay, But I'm really skeptical of the how the quality may be. Are there other sites that you think would be better? I know you make a lot of your outfits by hand, but I really just don't have the skills to do anything wonderful like that. Thanks! Love your work!!!

Hello! First off thank you so much! I do make some of my stuff but typically if I am buying cosplays I do so secondhand. Mostly because it saves me a bit of money! So sadly I do not have a lot of experiences purchasing new! However I'll try to help the best I can with what I know :D! If you are interested in buying secondhand please send me a message and I'll send you my big info pile on it. I have a lot more experience with it in comparison so I have a ton of links and information on it! Ok so for new! I think the best place currently in terms of price and quality is typically Taobao. A lot of stores like aliexpress and other online shops that sell touhou cosplays are often just reselling from Taobao. Buying off Taobao can be a little tricky but you will need a proxy. I know a few touhou cosplayer mutuals of mine have had a lot of success with bhiner cosplay It is basically a taobao proxy with a focus on cosplay and there is a whole touhou section here <--- I have only ordered here once and it was for a Yukari Parasol prop. It was a pretty good experience overall and the quality was nice. The only major issue recently is I've hear Bhiner has stopped accepting paypal for payment. I'd have to try to put an order in to confirm that but it might be something worth looking into another proxy for! At the very least its a great way to browse what is currently being sold and bhiner always links the actual taobao stores themselves, so you could easily go through another proxy! Another touhou cosplayer also made a handy guide on buying some of the more fancy premades as well I'll also link that here <------ A very helpful guide!! I bought a costume off a cosplayer that bought it from a shop called fm-anime . Can't speak for the ordering process but the quality pretty good! It was a Touhouvania Alice cosplay. It looks like they have limited stock these days with touhou but it might be worth a look! RoleCosplay seems to have a decent selection and even some less popular touhou characters. I've never ordered off here myself though so I'd maybe look into reviews a bit more! Maybe I should put in a test order and do a review one day LOL EzCosplay (as you stated) I have heard mixed things about! It used to be regarded as a pretty okay place to get Touhou cosplays from but more recently I've seen some people complain about sizing issues and quality in regards to their photos vs product etc! So I'd maybe avoid that one! Lastly there was this google doc made a little while ago with some shops listed. I do not know if this is up to date but I thought I'd share https://docs.google.com/document/d/12w82AVDHKmJ1dKRRZ3CAYiy1S5TbqOR_o91NCJVqgUQ/edit Also there is a touhou cosplay discord I could get you the invite to (just send me a message first) Its full of really nice and supportive people and theres a cosplay shopping talk channel and lots of people with experience there that can help out! There's also a secondhand cosplay sale channel as well if you wanted to buy directly off another cosplayer! Anyways I hope that helped. Again please feel free to message me anytime if you need specific help. I'm always happy to help people cosplay touhou in any way possible :D If you have a specific character you want to do I can try and get as many links for you put together that I can as well!!

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

nanshe fest anon here, haha let me invent a callsign .... how about Rio :)

i totally relate to what you mean when you said you are not able to distinguish between the "lesbian" and bisexual experience shared in that interview. things like this hindered my ability to understand what my sexuality even was, since i cant relate to either of them. then i read "lesbian books" and dont understand how they can have sex with men without a mental breakdown. i had a mental breakdown about my sexuality when i was pressured to marry, tried DIY conversion therapy on myself but when i faced with the option of even touching a man sexually, death seemed better because how could i live like that? theres no way. of course this made my mental health worse but not to trauma dump - i am ok now, so dont worry.

the anon who talked about strap ons was also very insightful. the focus on strap-on contributed to me developing a severe sense of dysphoria around my genitalia with this depression that i would never be able to have a "real" sex life.

this is why it is so important for lesbian experiences to be heard, i think the queer spaces are making things worse for us, particularly when we are young and vulnerable. also i am from a non-english speaking country, where homosexuality is still criminal so i could only turn to these spaces for support. i think even in countries such as the US, its the same for a lot of lesbian girls in rural towns... they turn to these spaces for help online since its so scary to be a child in a violent homophobic family. maybe they get helped because its worse than nothing. but also it can screw with ur mind a lot. my dream lesbian event would be to hear from more lesbians of color who grew up outside west europe/us/canada... i had to leave my birth country to be able to have a future. but i feel so awkward to be the only lesbian of color in the room 99% of the time. its not that the white women are cruel, dont misunderstand me, they can be lovely and supportive. but it adds an extra level of alienation, because so many times in my country people would call homosexuality as a white persons invention. of course i know that lesbians exist elsewhere but it would be nice to see that in person at these events!

-rio

Hi again, Rio! :D

Yeah it's messed up that even in the "lesbian community" we think we're freaks so we don't even dare talking about our experience! I grew up in a small town and I remember discreetly reading sex ed books for teens at the bookshop for any info or positivity about lesbians, instead I would only find a paragraph telling me it's a phase. So tumblr was my lesbian safe space back in 2010, for example the "it gets better" campaign really helped me when I was bullied in high-school (unfortunately now that charity pretends they have no idea what a lesbian is...) Now the lesbian content is awful and lesbophobic everywhere, offline and online.

And I feel you about lesbian books, I finally got around to reading one I bought years ago because it was recommended to me and it was about two "lesbians" leaving their husbands for each other... We need book lists with actual lesbian rep!

All the strap-on stuff invading lesbian spaces is so weird yeah... A few minutes ago I clicked on a blog because she was talking about wanting to finger a woman while having acrylic nails, which made me go 🤨 and while she called herself a lesbian, it was obvious she wasn't, it was all talk about c*ckwarming and deepthr*ating ("but it's only for strap and girlc*ck, if you're a man do not interact!!!!" 🤪) I don't know if you had sex already but let me tell you that you are not lacking anything and no real lesbian will think you need a sex toy to be a complete partner and have real sex, she will only want you as you are. I mean, my ex-gf and I never even considered trying a strap-on and we definitely thought the sex we were having was real and amazing haha

About meeting lesbians of color, maybe you can find events on Instagram? I wondered why I never saw many women of color at lesbian events in Paris until I learned that black women preferred creating their own events and advertising them on Insta! Maybe you can also find an organization for LGBT refugees? Hopefully you can meet lesbians there :)

[the-white-soul]

*Having Chara as his friend again is the most important thing to him. That is accomplished now, so there isn't as much motivation present for this task since theres nothing that would affect him whether he helps or not. He doesn't have to help anyone. But... It would be healthier for Chara too if they spoke (with good intent) to more people, so might as well. He nods to "Dess."*

Yeah, I'll give it a shot. If they're not here... *Flowey scans carefully around the room, coming up one flower short* I can probably guess where they ran off to. I'll just sneak out of the court real quick and talk to them.

*Flowey slips out and then burrows away to find Chara. Kara and Dess really do believe him. He has faith in himself too, since he's Chara's brother again and they are more likely to listen to him. This should be easy peasy.*

*He resurfaces outside Chara's little abandoned shack home, remembering how they were here when they stabbed him, as well as a handful of other times. Of course, he didnt go and talk those other times. They always looked so sad. Soon, once this big piece of drama is over with, he'll be able to get everything sorted out about this version of Chara. Now wouldn't be a good time.*

Chara...? *He looks around, and if they are not outside, he just goes and sees if he finds anything inside.*

Howdy. I just thought I'd tell you Dad is having his case held earlier than we thought. It's going on right now, but the judges don't seem to care too much about hearing anything. *His face contorts with disgust. How could they be professionals?* They didn't even take into consideration the obvious factor of why Asgore took those souls.

What I'm trying to say is... We need you. If you tell them the truth, I'll reveal myself right along with you, and we can speak together. It's just that you know more about this world, and I know you're good at convincing people. I couldn't do this myself.

Trigger warning: Sexual assault.

(Chara) "Flowey, you're too good for this world. I know you believe that Asgore could be saved but I know that even if he is found not guilty he'll probably be assassinated. I don't know by who, I just have a gut feeling. Flowey do you get mad when I call you Azzy? If so tell me after I talk. You see, I wasn't just abused by my mother, but my father was doing... *Looked into Flowey's eyes* Probably better you didn't know about it. Let's just say he loved me way too much. I could never face him again. He is the only person I could ever not kill. My father, Jack. I'm sorry but before you convince me to fight for Asgore you need to convince me that it will work because if I see Jack again, I might never see a person the same way again."

*many years ago*

(Jack) "Hey, Chara! Come over here!"

(Chara) "What will you do to me this time?"

(Jack) "I've heard you came out as a non-binary person. I support you. Come on, sit on my lap!"

*They come slowly as if they were walking to their death sentence.*

(Chara) "You're taking this surprisingly well!"

(Jack) "I forget what gender were you before?"

(Chara) "I prefer not to tell."

(Jack) "*Looked at them.* Let's find out! *Grabbed them down there.*

(Chara) "Stop!!! Please!!!"

(Jack) "What are you? Oh, that feels like a girl. A great girl."

(Chara) "I'll call the cops! I won't allow you to get away with this."

(Jack) "Oh sweety, I am the cops. You know maybe I should make completely sure you're a girl! *Almost went deep until*"

(Chara's Mom) "*Walks in* What are you two doing?"

(Jack) "We're having a tickle fight. Right, Chara? *Whispered into their ear* Say anything about this and what I did to you will be the least of your concerns."

(Chara) "One of the best tickling I've had in a while."

(Jack) "You've got that right Chara. You've got that right. *Smiled.*"

*Back to the present.*

(Chara) "He is what made me more of a psychopath than maybe even my Mom. She was a saint compared to him. You'll need to really convince me. Otherwise, I wouldn't come if it would revive my original Asriel."

[theindescribable1]

[platonic kiss on forehead and hug.]

"I hope things get better, inde."

oh, I hope things will.

((Kind Of Important!))

Let me explain just.. Everything I can right now, I'm sorry for all this. I'm just. . Struggling...

Tw: Uhh.. Sad?

So my mom's brother, Fernando, is really struggling. He's been an alcoholic for so many years and he is a full on drunk, almost every time I see him, he's drunk or getting drunk. Its gotten so much worse to where he has gone through 3 families. 3 of his wives with children, have left him because of his constant alcoholism. So he just got kicked out of his home, he has no house, no money, no job, no family of his own, nothing. He's drunken, he's confused...He is basically forgetting everything. He's forgetting that he doesn't have a wife, or a house, and that's lead to terrible things! He is so confused, its like dementia..And because of just not being sober, he's sexually harassed random women because he thought they were his wife. He might of permanently damaged his brain, and he can't do anything. . Its just so bad i can't ever explain all of it. And I'm just having to deal with him, just a bit.. And I'm back home now from taking him to a hospital- but he doesn't have insurance and he just hasn't been able to get help I just don't know what to do.

And of course theres me, I'm a mess. A suicidal self-loathing mess. I can't focus I can't learn I get sick so much so easily...I just can't understand some things and I constantly feel so much physical pains, its been 9 years with all of this, and I'm so bottled up this feels like the only place besides therapy where I can just...talk. get things out, and say just how.. How much I need help. I am not fine, and its sad. Theres so much in my head, ao much happening, and I can't sleep at night because of how much i think of just... everything. I can't tjink of good anymore, I feel so trapped and helpless and just so hopeless. I've- I've just been hurt. Hurt so much. I can't even imagine how much Is wrong...And I'm just.. I'm in a dangerous place. Suicidal people, its so easy to hurt them so much that they'd go home and actually kill themselves. I'm...Well I've never really made a plan to kill myself, but if someone told me to just Kill myself...Theres.. a dangerous possibility that I might. Its so hard, and I'm.. in so much pain. I just wish I was better, and I am going to be. I'm sure I'll be fine in the end, I'll be happy, healthy, and I'll love myself for who I am. Not for who I wish I was. Just me..