#i really appreciate being able to discuss these things even if we won't always have the exact same takes

[cenvast]

hi again! putting this under a cut

That's a super great point about Laios and Falin being racist towards the mountain people (also yeah wtf, why would they say that to Kabru?). Thank you for shedding light on that! I wish I knew about this extra comic before I wrote my meta post on Laios. I also agree that Laios leaving his village isn't better or worse for enacting societal change than Toshiro not leaving his household and that Laios' avoidance of humans, while understandable, is often a detriment to himself and others.

I absolutely respect that you and many other people have a more optimistic outlook than me on the story's conclusion! I love your observation about small moments having a large impact on characters, sometimes much later on in their lives. That's beautiful, and it aligns with the story' themes of quiet moments of connection being the most important for people. Like you said, the characters have their whole lives ahead of them, so they definitely could unlearn their biases. The story's conclusion is left open, so I see and appreciate where you're coming from with a small moment leading to Toshiro's growth on a sociopolitical level, even if isn't exactly my personal reading.

Also, I'd love to hear you expand on the cultural differences you've noted between Wa and the world's other locales, based on why each character ends up on the Island! That's super fascinating. I agree that there's so much rich potential for exploration from a cultural viewpoint. I am indeed Asian American, so I'm admittedly partial to comparing and contrasting Kabru, Rin, and Toshiro's (and I'd love to give more thought to his retainers and Namari as well) different experiences as Asian people on the Island, since they have such different motives for being on the Island and varied origins as you brought up!

Kabru and Rin are refugees, who were raised by their colonizers. I personally see the western elves as a western colonial power, which destroys Indigenous populations and systems of governance and leaves them in shambles (Utaya) or sets up puppet governments (the Island). Kabru and Rin are on the Island to neutralize dungeons and minimize elven involvement. Essentially, their goal is to offset the power imbalances between short- and long-lived races by sealing dungeons and thereby reduce the opportunities for the elves to seize more power and land. As you said, their socially conscious motivations are vastly different than Toshiro's motivation for being on the Island. It's cool because their experiences parallel the real life diversity in immigrants' and refugees' motivations and experiences in the West. (I also think these two might be Toshiro's best bet for becoming more socially conscious, which is why their friendship is very important to me.)

We aren't really told why Rin's parents fled the East, but since Toshiro says there's constant fighting going on in the Archipelago, it's safe to assume that her parents were fleeing armed conflict. Their island was probably invaded by the surrounding ones (maybe even Wa?). Wa likely is more stable than Rin's homeland, so Toshiro would have far less political motivation to leave his homeland and make the Island or Melini his permanent home. He sort of feels like a wealthy heir studying abroad for a year or two while Rin and Kabru are on the Island out of more necessity. But even though their backgrounds are so different, all three of them still experience the same racism (dot dot dot), but more positively, they can all bond over being Asian and learn from each other!

As you touched on, definitely being Asian is part of why I particularly enjoy Toshiro's character. It's honestly still rare to have Asian characters be central to stories that aren't set in Asia. Also, media produced in Asia rarely tackles the experience of being Asian in mostly white locales, like DunMeshi does, and especially not from so many different perspectives, so that's been very fun to see and explore further with the fandom!

"Toshiro Is Sexist," "Toshiro Owns Slaves": What's Really Going on With This Guy?

I've seen a lot of debate on whether or not Toshiro is problematic because he's a slave owner or because he's sexist in the context of his crush on Falin. While I do want to examine his relationship to Falin, I'd like to take a few steps back and unpack his upbringing first. We'll dive into the gender and class dynamics he was raised with and how it impacts his behavior in the main storyline.

Like all people, Toshiro is shaped by the environment he grew up in. Toshitsugu, Toshiro's father and the head of the Nakamoto clan, is the most impactful model of authority and manhood in his life. Toshiro does recognize some of his father's flaws and tries to avoid replicating them. But whether or not he emulates or subverts his father's behavior, Toshitsugu is often the starting point for Toshiro's treatment of others, particularly marginalized people.

The Nakamoto clan exists under a patriarchal hierarchy with Toshitsugu at the top. As noted by @fumifooms in their Nakamoto household post, his wife has more authority than Maizuru. She's able to ban Maizuru from parts of their residence, but despite disliking his infidelity, she can't divorce him or stop him from cheating on her. Their marriage is not an equal partnership.

On an interpersonal level, Toshitsugu and Maizuru also have a fraught relationship. While she does seem to care for him, she's often frustrated by his thoughtless behavior.

For example, he drunkenly buys Izutsumi for her — without considering how she'll have to raise this child — and invades her room in the middle of the night. When he cryptically says, "It's all my fault," she replies, "I can think of a lot of things that are your fault." She calls him an "idiot" and "believes that [Toshiro] will grow up to be a better clan leader than his father," implying that she takes issue with Toshitsugu's leadership.

Because Maizuru and Toshitsugu are described as being "in an intimate relationship" and "seem[ing] to be lovers," Maizuru appears to be a consensual participant. Still, this doesn't negate the large power imbalance between them as a male noble clan leader and his female retainer. This imbalance introduces an insidious undertone to Maizuru's frustration with Toshitsugu. Like Toshiro's mother, Maizuru doesn't have the agency to do as she pleases in their relationship; he has the ultimate authority. For instance, she doesn't seem to want to raise Izutsumi, but she has to anyway.

While Maizuru's role as Toshitsugu's mistress is significant, she's also the Nakamoto clan's teacher and Toshiro's primary maternal figure. She cares deeply for Toshiro: tailing him, feeding him, and taking responsibility even for his actions as an adult. While it might seem sweet that she cares for him like a son at first, Maizuru was notably fifteen years old at the time of his birth. In the extra comic below, he's six years old and has already been in her care for some time. Even if we're being generous and assuming that she didn't start raising him until he was six, she was still only twenty-one at the time she was parenting her boss/lover's child with another woman.

Maizuru's roles as mistress and maternal figure, in addition to her role as retainer, demonstrate the intersection between gendered and class oppression in the Nakamoto household. Despite her original role being a retainer trained in espionage, Toshitsugu presses her into performing gendered labor for him and eventually, Toshiro. She's expected to be Toshitsugu's lover, perform emotional labor for him as his confidant, care for his child, and carry out domestic tasks like cooking. She says, "Even during missions, I was often dragged into the kitchen." If she was a male servant, I doubt she would have been expected to perform these additional tasks. She can't avoid these tasks either, stating that her "own feelings don't factor into it."

Toshitsugu disregards his wife's and Maizuru's desires and emotions to serve his own interests. Because he has societal power over them as a nobleman and in Maizuru's case, her master, neither woman can escape their position in the household hierarchy.

As a result, Toshiro grew up within a structure where men and male nobility, in particular, wield the most societal power. The hierarchical nature of his household and society discourages everyone, including him as a clan leader's eldest son, from questioning and disrupting the existing hierarchy.

The other Nakamoto household members also internalize its sexist, classist power dynamics.

For example, Hien expects that she and Toshiro will replicate the uneven dynamics of the previous generation, regardless of her personal feelings. She sees her and Toshiro's relationship as paralleling Maizuru and Toshitsugu's relationship; she is the closest woman to Toshiro and his retainer, so she's shocked when Toshiro doesn't attempt to begin an intimate relationship with her. Notably, she doesn't have actual feelings for him. Her expectations are centered around the household's precedent of placing emotional, sexual, domestic, and child-rearing labor onto the female servants without any regard for their personal desires.

Hien also probably knows that her position in the household will improve if she is Toshiro's lover because she's seen it improve Maizuru's position. However, the fact that being the future clan leader's lover is the closest proximity she, as a female servant, has to power further reveals the gendered, class-based oppression she and the other women live under.

It's important to note that the Nakamoto clan bought Benichidori, Izutsumi, and Inutade as slaves, so they have less power and agency than Maizuru and Hien. The clan further dehumanizes Izutsumi and Inutade as demi-humans; their enslavement contains an additional layer of racialization.

Toshiro isn't oblivious to the gendered, class, and racial power dynamics of his household. He tries to distance himself from participating in its exploitative power structure. He walls himself off from Hien, who he's known since childhood, to avoid replicating his father's behavior and making his servant into his lover. He disapproves of his father's enslavement of Izutsumi and Inutade, and he lets Izutsumi go when she runs away in the Dungeon.

But does any of this absolve him of his complicity in his household's sexist, classist power dynamics and racialized slavery?

The short answer is absolutely not.

Despite his distaste for his father's exploitation of his servants and slaves, Toshiro still uses them. He refers to his party as "his retainers," and he has them fight and perform domestic tasks for him. You could argue that Toshiro doesn't like to and thus, doesn't regularly use his servants and slaves. In the context of him asking his retainers to help him rescue Falin, Maizuru says, "The only time he ever made any sort of personal request was for this task." But it shouldn't matter whether exploitation is a regular occurrence or not for it to be considered harmful. Toshiro asking Maizuru to cook him a meal still constitutes asking his female servant to perform gendered labor for him. He's also very accustomed to her grooming and dressing him.

Maizuru sees feeding, washing, and even advising Toshiro romantically as fulfilling Toshitsugu's orders to care for his son. They aren't fulfilling a "personal request." But just because her labor has been deemed expected and thereby devalued doesn't mean that it isn't labor or that she isn't performing it.

Maizuru's dynamic with Toshiro is also complicated by her role as his maternal figure. She loves him and wants to take care of him, and she doesn't have a choice in the matter. During Toshiro's childhood, the onus was on Toshitsugu to cease exploiting his lover and release her from servitude, but Toshiro is now an adult man. Seeing as how Maizuru defers to his wishes and calls him "Young Master," they still have a power imbalance that he's passively maintaining. Ideally, he would not ask anything of her until he has the authority to release her from servitude.

Throughout the story, Toshiro acts as if he has no agency and quietly disapproving of his father's actions absolves him of his participation in maintaining oppressive dynamics. While his father still ranks higher than him, he's essentially his father's heir. He has much more power than Maizuru, the highest-ranked servant. At the very least, he could leave his slave-owning household.

Unfortunately, his refusal to confront injustice is consistent with his character's major flaw: he does not express his opinions, desires, or needs. While this character trait obviously hurts his friendships, it also furthers his complicity in the injustices his household runs on.

Toshiro's relationship with eating food — the prevailing metaphor of the series — also parallels his relationship with confronting injustice. Maizuru mentions that he was a sickly child, so the act of eating may have been physically uncomfortable for him. As an adult, his refusal to eat crops up during his rescue attempt of Falin. Denying himself food might have been punishment for not accomplishing important tasks like rescuing Falin and/or a way to maintain control over something in his life when he felt like he'd lost control over the rest of it, again in the context of losing Falin. (Note: I suggest reading this post on Toshiro's disordered eating by @malaierba.)

But he cannot and does not avoid consuming food forever.

Similarly, Toshiro keeps his distance from his retainers and tries not to use them until the Falin situation occurs. His efforts to avoid exploiting his retainers amount to inaction — things he doesn't ask of them or do to them. But his inaction does nothing to dismantle the existing hierarchy that places his retainers under his authority, denies them agency, and often marginalizes them as not only servants or slaves but as women, and he ends up using them as servants and slaves anyways.

Returning to the narrative's themes of consumption, Toshiro cannot avoid eating just as he cannot avoid perpetuating the exploitative system of his household. The Nakamoto clan consumes the labor and personhood of those lower in the hierarchy. The retainers' labor as spies and domestic servants is the foundation of the clan's existence. Thus, the clan consumes their labor to sustain itself.

Within this hierarchy, the retainers' personhood is also consumed and erased. As Izutsumi describes, they are given different names and stripped of their agency to reject orders or leave. Maizuru and Hien also say their feelings are irrelevant in the context of Toshitsugu's and Toshiro's wants and needs. Both women are expected to comply with whatever is most beneficial and comfortable for the noblemen. Clearly, despite Toshiro's detachment from his household's functions, these social structures remain in place and harm the women under him.

Although we know the Nakamoto clan has male retainers, the choice to highlight the female retainers seems intentional. We're asked to interrogate how not only being a servant or a slave in a noble household impacts a person's life and agency, but how being a woman intersects with being a member of some of the lowest social classes.

Toshiro only distances himself from his father's behaviors of infidelity and exploitation so long as it doesn't take Toshiro out of his comfort zone. He doesn't free his slaves. He's far too comfortable with his female retainers performing domestic labor for him, and he barely acknowledges their efforts; they're shocked when he thanks them for helping him save Falin. He hasn't unpacked his sexist (or classist or racist) biases because he perpetuates his household's oppressive hierarchy throughout the narrative. Considering all of this, he inevitably brings this baggage to his interactions with Falin.

Falin is presumably one of the first women he's had extended contact with that isn't his relative or his family's servant. Because of his trauma surrounding his father and Maizuru sleeping together, he understandably falls for a woman as disconnected as possible from his father and his clan. He seems to genuinely like Falin, respects her boundaries, and graciously accepts her rejection. His behavior towards her is overall kind and unproblematic.

But if Falin had gone with him, she would've likely been devalued and sidelined like the other women of the Nakamoto household. No matter how much he loves Falin, simply loving her cannot replace the difficult work of unlearning his sexism. Love, of course, can and should be accompanied by that work, but by the close of the narrative, we gain little indication that Toshiro acknowledges or seeks to end his part in exploiting and devaluing women and other marginalized people.

A spark of hope does exist. Toshiro expressing his feelings to Laios and Falin suggests that his time away from home has encouraged him to speak up more. Breaking his habit of avoidance may be the first step towards acknowledging his complicity in systems of injustice and moving towards dismantling them.

Special thanks to my very smart friend @atialeague for bringing up Toshitsugu's relationship with Maizuru and the replication of dynamics of consumption and class! <3

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Hot-Hot Rock Debut: Super Mario Bros. Wonder

You know something I love about the Mario series? Its tendency to use reduplication to put emphasis on certain words. You thought your average everyday mountain was tall? Well this is a Tall Tall Mountain. You've never seen docks quite this dire before! And it's not even just adjectives that get in on the fun! Rock Rock Mountain, Ice Ice Outpost, I love that something can be more "rock" or "ice" than something else. Sometimes a word is so nice, you just wanna say it twice twice.

Hot-Hot Rocks are one of the latest additions to this long-running Mario trend, and also one of our latest Cubic Companions! You know, Blocks are very important to the Mario franchise, but how many enemies can you think of that are blocks...? The answer should be a lot. This was a Mod Hooligon Trick and you may or may not have fallen for it. I can't tell unless you tell me, alright?

Hot-Hot Rocks first appear in the level Hot-Hot Hot! (this is an example of a linguistic phenomenon known as "threeduplication"), where they serve as one of the primary obstacles. As long as Hot-Hot Rocks are Not-Hot, you can stand on them like any other platform. But when they start glowing red, you better get out of the kitchen, because Mario and friends can't stand the heat!

Of course, a little water is all it takes to turn Hot-Hot Rocks into Not-Hot Rocks for good, so spray them with Elephant Mario's trunk or a precariously placed pot of water, and they won't be able to hurt you anymore!

Hot-Hot Rocks have a symbiotic relationship with another new enemy called Kerpop, which will probably get its own post someday, likely courtesy of Mod Chikako. These guys act like Goombas most of the time, but when they touch a hot Hot-Hot Rock, they will pop and begin jumping around! How cute! This attention to detail is what makes Super Mario Bros. Wonder truly special.

That's about all there is to Hot-Hot Rocks, but we're not quite done yet, because this post is about to get all philisolophical(sic)! Because as Weird Mario Enemies, an important part of that title-we-love-to-defy-and-love-bringing-up-how-much-we-love-to-defy-it is knowing what an "enemy" is to begin with. And so we must ask ourselves: what is an enemy? What separates an enemy from an obstacle? And is there even a meaningful difference...?

I can't say I can give you an answer. But I can give you a bunch of thought exercises under the cut! You like those, right?

You do like those! Thanks for looking under the cut, I really appreciate it.

So if we want to have a discussion of what counts as an "enemy" in the context of a video game, we should probably have a rough definition of what we think an "enemy" is in the first place. It's tough to look for edge cases of something that doesn't have any edges.

I personally think a good starting definition is along the lines of "a character designed with the intent of hurting the player," or something roughly like that. And now that we have a definition, we can scrutinize the hell out of it!

On the left we have Thwomp. Thwomp is a classic Mario Enemy. The kind you'd see featured on @regularmarioenemies. We invite Thwomp over for dinner every Sunday, and Thwomp always smashes the dinner table because that's just what Thwomp does. On the right we have Karamenbo. Karamenbo does the exact same thing that Thwomp does, but it doesn't have a face! And despite the fact they act the exact same way, this simple design difference leads to most people considering Thwomp an "enemy" and Karamenbo an "obstacle"!

Is the difference between an enemy and an obstacle really something so simple as having a face? And if so...

What do we make of Lava Bubble, another Classic Mario Enemy that only sometimes has a face? Are they only an enemy when they have a face? Or are they allowed to always be enemies in spite of their occasional facelessness? Or alternatively, are they prohibited from being enemies despite their occasional befacedness? I don't know, and my "the fact I am writing for this blog" tells me I should probably be an expert in this field!

And what about Moonsnake? What could easily be dismissed as a simple obstacle like a Spike Bar is revealed by in-game text to be a living creature! Does this allow it to be classified as an enemy instead? Does something become an enemy just because there's text saying it's alive? Do ghosts and robots count as alive? Is a thorny flower an enemy instead of an obstacle, or does the specific choice of the word "creature" make a meaningful distinction here?

What if I told you there's official text calling Karamenbo a type of Thwomp, does that change your perception of it?

And we haven't even started touching on the idea of whether or not enemies need to hurt you. Let me ask you an important question...

Are Hoppos enemies? They can not hurt you. Whenever you touch them, you just bounce off, and sure, you might be bounced into something that can hurt you, but Hoppo is just an animal. Is it really Hoppo's fault? Could Hoppo be charged with manslaughter for bouncing Mario into a bottomless pit? Are bottomless pits a type of enemy?

Flomps, Bomps, these can not hurt you directly, but they can cause you to get hurt! And they're relatives of Thwomp, too! Do these factors matter in defining them as an enemy? Bomps act basically the same as the Push-Blocks from Super Mario Odyssey, and the wiki classifies those as mere platforms!

Is mayonnaise an enemy? I don't even know anymore!

Basically, enemies are a subclass of obstacle but there's not really a meaningful distinction that separates them. Literally the only thing that separates an enemy from an obstacle is the Vibes. Nothing else matters! Sorry! But what does that mean for our blog...?

Absolutely nothing! As I've said multiple times, we stopped caring about that distinction ages ago. We're hardly even a Mario blog anymore! I just wanted to subject you to my ramblings because I've had this in the back of my mind for a while now and well I had to say it somewhere.

And since I subjected you to several paragraphs of ramblings that amount to basically nothing... am I an enemy...?

[raayllum]

Once again I am so completely in my Janaya feelings because they're just so well done as a ship and so refreshing as a canon queer ship in particular??

Like they're rival generals who are uniquely matched in skill! We see how good of a fighter Amaya is in S1 (she's the top General of the Standing Battalion for crying out loud) so having someone who has her even somewhat on the run in S2 immediately catches our notice, as well as just how striking Janai is, even before we know she's the Golden Knight of Lux Aurea and sister to the queen.

Then we get some fun games of cat and mouse with the two circling and outsmarting each other; Janai luring Amaya's troops into an ambush and then having Amaya outsmart her way through anyway, and Janai ruining Amaya's plan to sever the Breach as a connective point between their lands (at least temporarily). It's small, but it shows that they're not just physically matched in battle, but intellectually too, and it makes their connection / rivalry feel more personal.

But of course this starts to shift when Amaya is stranded on Janai's side of the Breach, and spares her life because there's been enough unnecessary violence, having to literally Drop her shield to do so (mm, the symbolism).

We then get a new stage of their dynamic, as Amaya is very good bad at being interrogated ("She may have told you a rather unusual way in which your body might accommodate your sword") even if Kazi tries to minimize the ruder signs along the way as an interpreter. And even when Amaya could just look at Kazi for translation, her gaze continually strays to Janai. Then, Janai vouches for Amaya to her sister and Amaya has to trust Janai in the Light trial, which is also why she asks Janai to trust her when Viren shows up and starts causing trouble.

What follows is a fire forged friendship (literally) where Janai experiences Amaya's greatest grief -- the loss of a sister -- and they support each other through the battle to come, especially now that they have a common enemy. There's even blushing, battle gazing smiles, being protective, and paralleled hand holds.

Then, when we pick up after the two year timeskip, it's quickly apparent they're in a relationship — "But there are some things you shouldn't keep secret, especially from me" — and hints at exactly what kind of traditional ceremony this is, as Janai proposes and the two embrace and kiss.

And the show always, consistently, constantly, discusses their love for each other frankly and in terms no one can mistake.

"I know [she's a fearsome fighter], that is what I love about her," "The only message is that I've chosen this amazing woman to be my wife," "I love you and I'm ready to marry you," "I only really know one thing: Amaya, I want a life with you, I want to marry you," "Our queen and her bride to be just left on a romantic picnic in broad daylight!" "I just need a distraction—that's right, wedding planning." "Is someone getting married?" "Now I know how wrong I was about elves: I'm in love with one [...] Meeting Janai, falling in love" etc etc. Even down to the little details like Amaya's sign name for Janai being a J over her heart.

I also really appreciate that they're able to be so physically affectionate, particularly Amaya towards Janai in her tenderness as well.

At the same time, they don't always entirely see eye to eye. Amaya is adjusting to a culture that's not her own; Janai is still finding her footing and more importantly her confidence in being queen, even without internal usurpation coups going on and an evil blood drinking lesbian Moonshadow elf on the loose.

They trade and gift each other's another swords so they can be by one another's side in spirit when they do have to part. They're happily planning their wedding and giving each other hope throughout the encroaching madness of their lives. They get cute little callbacks to things like "She thinks I'm cute but won't admit it yet," exchange loving looks when their tribulations are done, and love each other with their whole hearts, allowing them to provide allegorical commentary on some of the societal pushback LBGTQ+ couples receive while also never having it dominate their shared plotline(s) or arcs with one another.

I just love them a lot, and these are some of the reasons why! I can't wait for more of their relationship development in S6 and S7!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I (27m) the asshole for wanting my boyfriend (28m) to be attracted to me?

This involves sex as a topic but won't get explicit, I'll keep it vague. I'm asexual. Completely sex repulsed in a physical sense, mostly due to autistic sensory issues. I've never had any interest in sex and didn't have any libido at all before going on testosterone, so the way most allosexuals tend to view and think of sex is something I've always struggled to understand.

In previous relationships, my asexuality was handled in different ways depending on the person. One boyfriend was totally fine just not having a sexual aspect to our relationship, another one had a hookup he got my approval on. The compromise me and my last boyfriend came up with was that he'd text me his fantasies about me and that did a lot for him without me having to physically be in the situation, and even if I didn't get anything sexual out of it I did enjoy it. It was a confidence boost. I dont generally consider myself attractive or desirable, i wear sweaters in summer because im so self conscious, and this compromise actually did a lot to help me see myself in a different light.

I recently got into a new relationship and, as with every relationship I've been in, there's inevitably a discussion about how we're going to compromise on this issue. My new boyfriend didn't know anything about asexuality and barely understood when I explained but he's very insistent about not crossing my boundaries, which I appreciate. But the problem is, since he'd never considered sexuality from a less direct angle, he didn't really know where to even start with ideas when we were trying to work out a compromise. So, I started making suggestions, thinking back to what worked for other people I'd dated. Just abstaining wasn't going to be doable for him so I didn't suggest it, and he wouldn't be comfortable with a hookup.

I remembered my ex used to be able to get something out of telling me about his fantasies so I asked if that was something he'd be into. I wasn't angling to try to get him to agree to something, I genuinely just wanted to know whether or not that was an option to consider. He didn't actually answer at first, he went quiet and then he answered the question with another question and asked "wouldn't something like that make you uncomfortable?" And I said "no, because the physical component is the thing I have issues with, not the subject matter itself. So long as I don't have to directly engage in the situation, I'm golden."

I don't know if this is something that was really stupid of me to say and my autistic ass just didn't realize, but since he's so careful about my boundaries and comfort and tends to fret, I thought his problem in the moment was worry that I'd be making myself uncomfortable in an attempt to meet his needs. So I hurried to reassure him and said not only would it not make me uncomfortable, I'd enjoy it in a way. Not sexually, but I enjoy knowing that my partner is attracted to me. It makes me feel good about myself.

He got really upset. He doesn’t get upset easily and hadn't ever gotten properly upset with me before (at least not to this extent) so I was very taken aback, but I was floored by his reason for being upset. Not word for word, but he essentially said "so basically you want me to frustrate myself to feed your ego?"

I was, I think understandably, completely fucking appalled by such a suggestion. I said of course not, I was just suggesting something I knew worked for someone else because even if it wasn't his thing, we could narrow down options by process of elimination. Which made logical sense, to me. He wasn't calmed though, he started saying things like "so, you want your partner to be attracted to you even though you never plan on actually letting them act on that attraction? Do you see how cruel that is?" And... I don’t know, which is why I'm submitting this here. Is that cruel?

From my perspective, I would think it's only natural to want to know your partner finds you attractive, doesn't everyone want to be wanted to some degree? I don't get some sort of sadistic thrill out of it as he seemed to be implying, and I don't want it to impact my partners in a negative way. If this was something he would find frustrating then no, of course I wouldn't want him to frustrate himself, we could look at other options. When I made the suggestion, I figured the worst that would happen was he'd say no and we'd narrow down the list of options. I never imagined my moral character would be called into question.

He's usually so, so nice to me and it hit really hard for someone who’s usually so fond of me to say I sounded selfish and vain. Both actual words he used when this devolved into an argument. I explained my reasoning for suggesting it to begin with but he said the issue isn’t the suggestion, it's that he thinks that it's fucked up of me to want my partner to be attracted to me when I'm not going to indulge that attraction and it makes him wonder if I'm really a different, worse person deep down and he's only now getting to see it. He called it a red flag. That seemed like such a leap to me but I don't want to dismiss the suggestion out of hand. Many bad people think they're good people, so it's not out of the question.

This was our first real argument, previous disagreements had been talked out very calmly but emotions ran high with this one. I dont know if this is something that triggered him for deeper reasons, considering his reaction was so intensely out of the norm for him, or if the whole thing just looks entirely different from the perspective of someone who isn't sex repulsed.

Am I the asshole here? Is it really as fucked up as he says that I enjoy knowing my partner is attracted to me even though I won't agree to have sex with them?

We didn't discuss the topic any more that night, and it hasn't been brought up since. He hasn't been treating me differently than before, but he's always proactively apologized before when he was in the wrong about things and he hasn't this time, so to me that says he still stands by what he said. His words have stuck with me and they’re eating at me. I feel like such a horrible person, and I have no idea if I should feel more or less guilty about this.

Tl;dr: my boyfriend is upset that I like knowing my partners are attracted to me even though I don't want to and don't intend to have sex with them bc he thinks that's majorly fucked up and a red flag.

What are these acronyms?

[landoom]

(I’m the anon who brought up people not liking Oscar for off track stuff)

Yeah, I agree with all of that, I think. I try really hard to check my biases while also reserving my right to have an opinion. And just to clarify- I absolutely don’t think Oscar is nearly as much of an asshole as some drivers! It’s just his particular brand of PR that irks me… and some other things… anyways, not your problem. lol

I may not like Oscar much, not hate, and I actually feel kinda bad about not liking him, but I’m not out shouting hate against him for unfair reasons.

That’s the thing, right? We don’t have to agree, but it’s not cool to spread hate or wish ill upon someone for being a bit of a dick as a racing driver, on or off.

But to be fair, a lot of blogs are a “what you see is what you get” so we can block each other. And people should be allowed to vent… hmm.

McLaren has handled things poorly (race strategy and PR) in my opinion, and so many fans are vocally toxic that it exacerbates every tiny thing.

Some Hardcore Lando fans (kinda somewhat myself included) are so used to him being attacked for anything and everything he does that we’re super defensive of him, sometimes in unhealthy ways. Lando gets A LOT of hate. Way more than Oscar has. Way more. I always have to give myself a day after a race to let my emotions cool down. Just like some of the drivers have to! 😂😛 But I am very defensive of Lando, sometimes to my own detriment, I get so angry at people. I recognize that.

And McLaren has done exactly nothing to defend him, which I find distasteful.

Anyways, this turned into a tangent. 🤦‍♀️ I am so sorry. Ahhhh

(I’m so glad you didn’t take that ask poorly and it came across how I meant it, I do appreciate that we can have a calm discussion without either of us trying to change the others opinion ❤️)

Once again I agree with mostly everything.

Just the part about being able to block Tumblr means people can vent here... Yes but then they need to tag accordingly.

If you really want to hate on a driver, then tag it. That means realising you're perhaps going over the limit and that your words can be read as disrespectful or hurtful.

Because there is something I really despise in this fandom at the moment and on social media in general: how hate is becoming accepted, seen as normal or even glorified (through likes and views, etc...). It shouldn't! People should feel ashamed of hating or wishing harm to other people, especially ones who they don't even know, that aren't hurting them in any way! You can have an outburst brought out by your passion for F1 and adrenalin and acknowledge (like your doing) that you went over the limit. But some people are creating their whole online persona over being a hater!

Also, as a Lando fan too, I can completely understand the part about Lando being hated for nothing or never doing the "right" thing whatever he does. And I agree it makes us a bit defensive.

But we won't fight hate with hate! Some Lando fans are treating Oscar exactly like they are complaining other people treat Lando! I'm sorry but I can't understand that...

[widebrimmedhatsblog]

I'm going to combine my reply to yours on AO3 with this, but yes, I 100% get it. People can be so rude and unappreciative and I know it's usually not on purpose but it can still be grating. Not very demure, not very mindful 😓

This is a really young fandom (not just in age specifically, but in fandom experience) and I try to remind myself of that all the time. I'm in a place now where I just scroll past in my inbox and barely take in comments like that, but I get how disappointing it can be. We work really hard on these pieces and they genuinely take a lot of our time and energy we could spend doing other things (I haven't read a book in months), so getting responses like that on a labour of love is so grating.

I feel so awkward as a writer who gets it even phrasing "I'd love to see more" in comments. It's very: I want this person to know I loved it so much I want to see more of it, but also: I don't want this person to feel pressured to do it just because I love it, I just want them to know. Even when I commented, I had in the back of my mind how many WIPs you were working on and how stressful that can be holding all of that in your head, but I don't think normal people realise.

It's like you have a million things to do but you've spent all day baking a triple layer cake with filling and frosting and all the toppings and you're exhausted and your feet hurt but you're eagerly watching someone eat the first slice...and they say "nice! have you got any biscuits?" and you're just like???

@justallihere and I always talk about starting a fandom podcast to talk about things like this and educate people and honestly, I think the world needs it. People treat writers like TikTok content creators and that's just not how it works over here.

(Also, I promise we're not girlbossing it, we're bullshitting our way through every minute of every day)

I'm annoyed that this has ruined the excitement of posting a new work for you, you should be able to bask in our shared joy after gifting us something like this. I really loved the work, truly and I can understand the lack of inclination to continue it given the little worldbuilding we've been shown. It certainly doesn't make canon-adjacent fic easy. Love that you don't like Brennan though, or have any desire to write him. He's dodgy as fuck.

As a writer, you can only write what you want to write. If you're not enthusiastic about it or inspired by it, it either won't be written at all, or the magic won't be there. If you can see where it goes but you don't want to write it then you shouldn't.

I'm so grateful for you taking on the prompt in the first place, it was a wonderful gift and the pair of them were everything I could have hoped for—Violet being her prickly self and Xaden still being a self-assured casanova? Delicious. Plus, we love a fic where Violet gets eaten out in the wilderness 😉 Welcome to the club! Should we create a 'cunnilingus in the wilderness' tag for this fandom?

You put so much thought into this whole world and it's absolutely, truly appreciated by those who matter and understand how hard the process is and what a gift it is—thank you, thank you, thank you! 🙏

Amy!!! You are so lovely, thank YOU. I get you 100000% and I didn’t feel pressured by you whatsoever. I definitely agree that people who aren’t writers just don’t get it. I got a comment this morning that was like I’d read 200k more of this, and it’s like, someone has to WRITE 200k more of it then. Two hundred thousand words are not going to fall out of the sky just because you’d like to read them. But I digress!!! There’s been a lot of joy in it too, especially in discussing the backstory with everyone. If you and Alli had a podcast I think I would go a little insane!

I personally am just not huge on writing Brennan when he’s alive because he makes NO SENSE. I feel slightly similar about the Fen & Xaden dynamic. I just prefer to write him being dead for that reason.

Again, I’m so so SO glad you specifically enjoyed the fic!! I thought about you a lot while writing it, so I’m glad that paid off.

Cunnilingus In The Wildnerness Tag!!! Absolutely. I am honored to join the club .

This made me very happy, and definitely helped me feel better about things + my reaction to them. Thank you.

[dez-wade]

I’m trying really hard not to like get genuinely upset or pissed off by this and I kind of want to hear someone else’s opinion and you’re always willing to discuss some of the more “negative” aspects of what’s happening which I appreciate! Somebody being upset or frustrated doesn’t give them the right to behave in certain way or say certain things and then just have everyone be like “oh but he’s had a hard few days and he’s frustrated 🥺” bad is a fully grown man. He should be able to handle genuine criticism and for him to sit there and say “no but the words we use are important Tina” all obnoxious when Tina was telling him FOR HIS OWN GOOD to not get all worked up and mixed up in exact definition and terminology that Etoiles was using to describe what happened to him. Etoiles called it a bug. Etoiles is also not a native English speaker yet he CONSTANTLY goes out of his way to speak English to his friends INCLUDING BAD just for bad to be all “well the exact language he uses matters” No it doesn’t. not in this situation it’s doesn’t. Let’s see bad sit and discuss something in French and then be told “well actually the exact wording you use matters so I’m going to just continuously go on and on about why you are in fact wrong because you used one word incorrectly” I’m sorry but he’s trying his best to ACCOMMODATE YOU!!! As someone who’s first language is French it’s just really upset me and I really enjoy bads content so it’s just gotten to me even more than usual

Yeah, it thought he contesting what Etoiles was saying it wasn't the right thing. A lot of times Bad, and most English speakers tbh, think they're on the same level in English which isn't the case.

Forever had trouble with this a lot of time with him, and started speaking Portuguese out of spite in one of their discussions.

Fit, who said "disengage" yesterday and Etoiles didn't understand making these two separate and Etoiles die.

It's not out of malice, but they forget how privileged they are and that people are communicating with them in their second language. Semantics really didn't matter right there. And Tina was right to try to not make him dig himself deeper.

At least he seemed to understand in the end, because it took Tubbo, to explain to him what it was. And he even suggested to report the bug when Tubbo talked about how something similar happened to him and Pac in the toxic gas event, so the admins won't only fix the quicksand one.

I think BBH viewers (I watched BBH a lot, now not so much) are kinda used to when goes in his "explanation" mode and starts using metaphors, analogies, and explains pretty much the same thing like 10x times using different words. So I was not really surprised when he started talking about that. That's just his personality, I guess.

But Bad really should be more conscious when he's talking to people whose first language isn't English and less over-focused on small, irrelevant things.

[summercreolefanfictioner]

Lol your defending for GabiYui is really on point. I remember some watchers even said 'too bad Gabimaru's heart is stick on his wife, Sagiri is much prettier or hotter' or 'go for it Gabimaru, it's okay to have multiple wives'. Come on, are we now living in an era where a husband being loyal to his wife is something really weird? I need Gabimaru to show his ninjutsu to these people lol.

awww thank you! ofc I will defend GabiYui no matter what since this pair is so close to my heart and has actually inspired me to write better at romance (aside from the other characters from different fandoms I am in) and do my best in life (Nishinoya from Haikyuu is still my main drive but still)

now onto some big points of this ask hehe

re: "Sagiri is prettier than Yui" issue

these two are absolute sisters your honor

I won't deny that sagiri is beautiful like I swear have you seen her and the way she fights back despite men looking down on her and how she swings her sword? plus episode 6 highlighted her being able to balance her emotions, making her gently kill rokurota. ugh perfection. chef's kiss. 1000/10 rating.

but ya know I don't get why people have to be like "Sagiri is way prettier and hotter but too bad Gabi is not in love with her" like what do you mean too bad? like ???? idk if it's just me but does gabimaru have to appreciate her being hot or what? plus ya know gabi is not into the appearance anyways. he even said in the latest episode (which is episode 7 as of this writing) that appearances really don't matter.

plus I don't get why people love comparing yui and sagiri's physical appearance against each other and saying "this girl is prettier" yada yada when they are both best girls with distinct beauty. in fact, there is an interview with Chainsaw Man author Tatsuki Fujimoto about Hell's Paradise author Yuji Kaku where he discussed about drawing female characters. according to Fujimoto-sensei, Kaku-sensei always drew his female characters beautifully in an aesthethic manner and his reason behind this is bcos "all girls are cute regardless so we must always draw them as cute girls" (not exact quote but you get what I mean) that's why Fujimoto-sensei added he has been trying to draw his female characters as cute as possible. so yeah both sagiri and yui are cute and pretty or whatnot. they just exhibit different vibes like sagiri has major main female chara vibes while yui is def softcore cottagecore vibes 🥰🥰🥰

besides, no matter what people say, yui will still be the most beautiful person in gabimaru's eyes. he even said so in both manga and episode 7.

note: he used the word "utsukushii" for the term "beautiful" and in Japanese, using this term means you really find a person so beautiful inside and out that it moves you emotionally so the mere fact gabimaru described yui in this manner despite her telling him that she's ugly is something else 😭🥺💖

re: "it's okay for Gabimaru to take on multiple wives" issue

(THIS ONE WILL CONTAIN MAJOR MANGA SPOILERS AND OTHER CANON EVIDENCES THAT HAVEN'T BEEN TRANSLATED OR MOST PEOPLE HAVE NO HANDS ON DUE TO LIMITED SOURCES)

here's MY NOT SO CONTROVERSIAL TAKE on this one bcos you all know my answer.

it is no doubt that gabimaru can take on multiple wives. after all, gantetsusai mentioned he has multiple wives across japan. plus their time period allows men to marry multiple women so people making this statement knows what they are saying.

HOWEVER!

I actually don't think gabimaru will engage in this sort of thing (see, I told you my opinion on this is not controversial hehe) and here's why.

we all know that osa (aka iwagakure village chief) killed gabimaru's parents and took gabimaru in, even to a point where gabimaru literally lives in the village chief's home like some sort of special treatment.

however, I think one reason gabimaru got special treatment is bcos both of his parents are high-class shinobis (like jonin level) and ofc osa saw his potential that maybe "ah this kid might inherit his parents' ninja skills or something"

plus, osa doesn't have any sons to begin with bcos surprise surprise YUI HAS NEARLY 20 HALF SISTERS with her being the eighth daughter. and accdg to Kaku-sensei, there is a major possibility of yui and gabimaru meeting as children (but alas it is hard to tell since yui has so many sisters). and yes this is all mentioned in Jigokuraku Kaitai Shinsho (pls someone translate this huhu)

so when tsuki (the toasted marshmallow gabimaru that we know) became the 58th gabimaru by killing the 57th gabimaru, he was rewarded for his skills and intellect by marrying yui. but the thing is, it's a common talk among iwagakure ninjas that osa has been looking for a successor and bcos he doesn't have a son, the only choice is to have gabimaru marry into his family (which is common in Japan)

fun fact: gabimaru actually doesn't know why he was married to yui though. he even thought maybe yui has some kind of secret ninjutsu or something. he tried to find out but this boy went home and when yui greeted him with a beaming smile, he was immediately overwhelmed with feelings that he forgot his own agenda 😭😭😭

so what's the point of all this? you see gabimaru has never realized why yui was so adamant abt this sense of normalcy and all that stuff until he finally learned the meaning behind her dream. after all, in iwagakure, when a man is born, he automatically has to be a ninja and a woman has to get pregnant and bear more children that will become ninjas. and if they die during training, then they'll be replaced by another batch of offsprings that will be ninjas or vessels for children.

in short: women in iwagakure are not only beaten, but also treated as baby-making factories (ofc some of them become kunoichis but most of them just become a housewife that takes care of dozen babies). doesn't matter how young or old. as long as you can get pregnant, then you go do your duty for iwagakure. hence why yui loathed this kind of set up and when she voiced out her want for normalcy, she paid the price by having her face scarred.

but what if a girl doesn't get pregnant? ahh then the guy will take another wife, get her pregnant, then process repeat and repeat. it's a cruel cycle that never ends.

in osa's case, it took him like so long before finally accepting his wives cannot give him a son. and in my own opinion, these things can influence gabimaru into not having a harem marriage in the first place. like imagine marrying multiple women just for the sake of a duty.

besides, given how bad he's down for yui, I don't think he would want another woman other than her. like srsly gabimaru has so much respect for her and having a harem marriage would defeat every single thing he and yui are fighting for.

after all, gabimaru hates the idea of women being treated as broodmares. remember, his wife has been "marked" for the same reason. like he really abhors the idea and there are theories of yui being possibly pressured into having children with gabimaru and tbh it all boils down into this canon evidence from the manga.

plus I hate it when people normalize cheating like "gabi might cheat with sagiri" or something like srsly? I thought we were all past NTR and all that stuff? if you are into NTR kinks, there are various media forms that can cater to that and sadly, Hell's Paradise is not the medium for NTR as much as these people want it to be.

that's all for today, folks.

[the-ninja-legacy-whip]

so can you tell us anything about the second aftershock oc child which would end up inheriting earth

Listen he's currently in limbo until we see how the Geo stuff pans out cuz I dun wanna make another probably impossible kid.....BUT-

*jazz hands* very quick sleep deprived sketch GO

His name is Adrien Cole, which you may already know if you've been following the next-gen stuff!

He's adopted by Cole (most likely during his ~Wu Quest~ that we won't get to see rip, hence the last name) when he's 4-5 years old (still kinda waiting on some more DR info before locking that in) after being orphaned as a result of The Merge, but regardless of when he's adopted, he's still about five years younger than Cam.

Jesse: Who is that?!

Cole, sipping a smoothie: Our new son :3

Lloyd: My god he's collecting children like Pokemon, somebody stop him

Kai: At least that one didn't appear out of thin air

Jesse: ...I think he still kinda did!!!

...okay, it doesn't actually happen like that, as after their reunion post-merge, Cole and Jesse did discuss adopting another child (as Cole still felt terrible about missing a solid chunk of Cam's childhood). It just happened a little sooner and more abruptly than Jesse planned for. Cole was off on his quest and this sad, lost, merge-ruined child just started following him because he seemed like a safe person to be with ;w;)/

And Cole's not gonna turn away a child in need

It takes Adrien a really long time to warm up to Jesse, and even longer to call Cole or Jesse any form of 'Dad', but he's 100% all in on having Cam as a sister.

(And Cam is so excited to have a sibling that she doesn't even care if he's a sourpuss for most the time. He finds her constant zeal for life overwhelming, but refreshing. She's always teaching him new things when she asks without teasing him, which he appreciates)

He's not as energetic as Finn, Quinn, Blaire, Luci, or his sister, but not nearly as uptight Blythe, Seven, or Briar either. He is, however, a lot quicker to get upset with things than anyone else, and is probably the deadpan snarker of the group. Think Kid!Lloyd if he went all in on his emo and/or goth phases snksnksnk

He's a punk drummer! And a painter! But unlike the rest of the family he has a horrible case of stage fright + public speaking, so don't ever expect him to willingly show off....Unless Briar is around (one thing he can relate to Jesse with: having a hopeless crush lmao).

He and Finn have a similar dynamic as Cole and Jay, which Kai thinks is the funniest thing ever. He also gets competitive in physical activities with Quinn and Blair, and he bullies Blythe all the time for "being a nerd" (and is only nice when Briar scolds him for it). He and Seven are chill besties, and Lucina terrifies him (but he'll never say so).

Cole only gives up his powers to Adrien when Adrien says he's ready for it, but Cole does kind of want to do it ASAP, because he fears waiting too long will yield the results of what ended happening to his mom. On the other hand, with all the chaos going on during DR and beyond, Cole fears that he won't be able to protect his family or friends without his powers/strength and that makes him hesitate (even if they have the Blue Crystal exploitation).

Adrien, however, has exceedingly low attunement with the Element of Earth, due to a) his personality and b) not actually being a Descendant, and struggles with his powers even after he get them. His superstength isn't consistent, either (which scares the hell out of Jesse, because what if an accident happens—) but his Vibration Tracing is leagues better than Cole's is/was (to the point of being able to see just with vibrations in the earth. Like Toph, but not quite as cool).

ALSO his weapon is twin sickles which are not actually designed for fighting but are still enough to freak a person out when combined with superstrength hell yeah. it's basically Cole's Scythe + Jesse's Twin Naginata

ALSO he has pink in his outfit not just to rep his other dad BUT because in some older color schemes for Cole he has pink in there especially in his NRG form and I wanted to shoutout to that-

When he uses his equivalent of Earth Punch, instead of getting new markings, the scars along his arms glow instead. Where did the scars along his arms come from? I dunno! Accident as a child, weird birthmark, did it himself.......it's pending.

Anywaaaaay, that's about all I got for now. I didn't want to develop him too much if he was going to be doing even less than every other kid anyway :V

. . .

Adrien: Sooooo. ...were you adopted too, orrrrrr...?

Cam: I consider myself a ✨Bio-Magical✨ miracle child~

Adrien: Andddd I'm not gonna dig into THAT

[mylucayathoughts]

I've been seeing a lot of people post this statement from Nick's article about feeling guilty taking gay roles but to be honest I don't get that statement. Why would you feel guilty? You got a job because you had the skills and talents , just like any other job. No one apologizes for getting a job! I got my job because of my hard work and skills, I'm not gonna apologize for taking it from someone else. Should queer actors apologize for taking straight roles? Should Jonathan Bailey or Matt Bommer apologize for playing Anthony Bridgerton or Neil Caffrey. I would hope not! They're brilliant in those roles.Should we recruit psychopaths or criminals to play those roles convincingly? So why here? Why shoehorn queer actors by saying they could have had the queer role instead. This is going against the essence of an actor whose job it is to portray someone else convincingly..and Nick is not the first actor who said this. I've rolled my eyes before, I'll roll my eyes unfortunately now again. I just wish I hadn't it from someone I admire ( I still do and think he's immensely talented but statements like this make me sad)

Dear nonny,

If you are here to really know my opinion on this, as to why he said he felt guilt, welcome 🙏 I appreciate this! If you are here expecting me to just agree though, I unfortunately can't. So read if you are okay with a different pov.

Also, if you have read the one sentence that says he felt guilt and you did not read the interview then I would encourage you to read it. Or at least read the interview question and Nicks full answer to the question.

From your ask, it seems that you agree queer actors should be able to take up straight roles and straight actors should be able to take up queer roles, without judgment, without reservation. They should get these roles simply because they are good for those particular roles, because they can properly portray them.

I agree with that part. But I'm sure you have seen (or you haven't which is fine) that not everyone agrees with that idea. Some actors have been criticized for taking queer roles when they identify as straight. Darren Criss publicly announced how he won't be taking up queer roles anymore, and he explained why here. I understood it as that he wanted more queer representation in Hollywood and that he thought when queer people play queer roles they can use real life experiences to embody them. Here is an article where renowned actors, media personalities and human rights spokesperson talk about the importance of queer people taking up queer roles in Hollywood. There is a real discussion about these things, from experts across Hollywood and media. So this is completely normal, for an actor who identifies as straight to feel some sort of guilt taking up queer roles.

I am posting a screenshot of the part from Nicks GQ interview you are referring to.

Nick even mentions that it's not all guilt, it's like a sense of uncertainty because of the discussion that exists and his own belief system which he explains as "queer characters aren't solely their sexuality" which I absolutely love.

To me, this is Nicholas simply being aware of what is happening in the industry, what discussions are being had, what kind of work his fellow queer actors are getting, what audiences sometimes expect. This is Nick understanding and acknowledging his privilege as a straight white man. This is Nick being sensible about the topic in question.

I'm aware that these things can be very subjective and please know that however you might feel about it currently, they are not wrong or terrible or absolutely correct. But It is always rewarding, if you dig a little deeper about a topic or a comment that bothers you. And you will possibly find information that may change the way you feel. I really do hope you feel better 🙏

[alpaca-clouds]

Relationships and Healing

(Or: The entire thing about healing sex)

⚠️ CW: Rape, forced prostitution ⚠️

You know what? I cannot resist the chance our dear traumatized vampire provides to talk about aspect, that I personally do care a lot about in my writing.

Especially because I saw it discussed in several blogs here. So I just want to talk a bit about my reading and in general with how I deal with the topic when I am writing about. Not only in this fandom, but other fandoms as well. (Will probably also talk about Castlevania a bit further down.)

So, if you have read any of my Tav/Astarion stuff, you might notice that there is sexy things happening - but no sex.

Now, I now a lot of folks read Astarion as ace, but I don't. I read him mostly as just carrying around too much sexual trauma to fully be able to enjoy sex. Because, well. He carries nearly 200 years of sexual trauma. Depending on your dialogue choices (and whether or not you do the romance), he talks about it a bit. How he tried to tell himself that it would not be so bad, if he went for the pretty people, how he might even enjoy it. But of course it ended up very much not working.

A small tangent here: I do kinda appreciate this to some degree. Because it is a surprisingly sensitive portrayal of this. A lot of rape survivors get actually told that they should be happy because "Pretty Person" had sexual interest in them. See also: Celebrity rape cases. (Also, I really do appreciate that they allowed a man to have this backstory, because male sexual abuse gets so often ignored in media or played for laughs.)

Of course it is not only the sexual trauma with him. I mean, this poor man has all the trauma. Literally all of it. Which makes this even more complicated.

So, yeah. I think him holding back on sex is very much that for him sex is equivalent to having his body used. It is not really clear what his life was like before Cazador, but it seems pretty clear that for the last nearly 200 years his experiences with sex were always negative. To him sex is not a thing that happens between two people who want to enjoy it, but a thing that is forced upon him or at best a thing to archive a goal of some sorts. And that is without even going so far and consider sex for love or anything, of which there is a good chance that he never had it, given he was still fairly young when he was turned.

We see that in his behavior, too. When he goes to seduce Tav (or whoever you play as), he does this, because in his mind there is no way that someone is going to help him without payment. Because for 200 years nobody has helped him. And the only payment he knows is paying with his body.

Its also why I find the "sex on his grave" scene a bit sus, because to me it very much reads as him not having a proper coping mechanism to deal with all the feelings he is experiencing after killing Cazador. Because till that point he has coped through snark and through being a general asshole, and now he does not need to do that anymore... and he does not quite know how else to deal.

So, yeah. I decided to have him struggle with all of that. Because it is an experience that a lot of rape survivors have. That they want to have sex again, but somehow their mind just won't allow them. Because whenever they are in a sexual situation, a part of them just goes back into panic mode. Sex itself becomes basically a trigger for the PTSD. (And let's face it. Astarion has not PTSD, but C-PTSD.)

And I just think... He is gonna need a bit time to heal, before he actually is gonna be able to enjoy sex.

I might note, that this is also the reason why I find it a bit sad, that there are very few scenes of him actually interacting with the other characters on the team (outside of the idle banter), because what he needs, too, is friends. Just positive humanoid interaction. I mean, it is a good scene that in whoever you might play as he has a good friend/romantic partner, but... he also just needs more friends.

This kinda brings me over to the other aspect in general: The concept of healing sex or healing through relationships. Which is... a complicated topic, really.

A lot of people keep saying that "healing sex is a thing that only works in fanfiction/media", but I am gonna respectfully disagree with this. Now, of course, physical wounds will not heal through sex (though there is some research that suggest that healing might be quickened just a bit due to hormons and stuff), but for some trauma survivors it actually has a healing effect. Even for some rape survivors. Because for some people it works really well as "overwriting the bad memories with good ones" and to teach the nervous system that it is actually something you can be safe with.

While for others it does not work and might even be triggering.

Because, you know, trauma survivors are different and have different paths to healing.

The other bit is healing through a (romantic) relationship. Which is even more complicated. Because yes, if you have the right partner that definitely can work. But also, it does put a lot of emotional strain on that partner, because they gonna have to deal with all your emotional stuff at your worst moments. Which can make the relationship quite unhealthy, if not everyone is very aware about this.

(This kinda is why so many YA romances, especially straight romances, tend to be so messed up. Because you often have the very sad bad boy, who has this very sad backstory involving tons of trauma... and then a female main character, who has to deal with it. Because of course therapy is nothing that the bad boy ever would go to.)

It is also why I decided to handle my ships with Castlevania the way I did. In my stuff Adrian gets together with Trevor and Sypha only nine months after the end of the series, after having had some time to heal at least a bit before it. He still does need to do a lot of healing - and also needs to learn proper coping strategies - after that. But at least his mental wounds are not as raw any longer as they were by the end of season 4.

Meanwhile Hector and Isaac get together only two years post-canon, because in their case they both have a lot of healing and soul-searching to do until they are in any shape to have a meaningful romantic relationship. And yes, I also made a point out of bringing in Striga, specifically, as someone who is able to offer emotional support to them.

It should also be noted that I kinda do enjoy writing different trauma reactions within those characters. I gave Trevor a ton of sexual trauma (because he was a street kid and street kids usually tend to collect sexual trauma over time), but he is just very willing to latch on to people being good to him and basically use it to overwrite any bad memories he had. Meanwhile Adrian does have to deal with certain things in bed triggering him for a long while, with the trio kinda figuring out bit by bit what he is okay with and what not. And then, we have Hector. Who... takes about five years to actually admit that Lenore raped him and that he has quite a bit of trauma from that. Because it is a thing that actually happens: People only realizing that they are traumatized at a point, when they start to feel actually safe.

So, yeah. Just a few thoughts on this and how I read those characters and their trauma. And yeah, I absolutely do project my own trauma and healing onto some of them. (Especially Hector. I see so much of myself in him.)

And... uhm, I think this is the end of this blog post. If you are interested, please vote in my poll about what I should write for NaNoWriMo this year. The BG3 story would definitely involve some more stuff about Astarion's healing journey, while "His Story" would involve some healing with the forge masters. xD

[polyamzeal]

I'm sorry you have to deal with all that shit. You deserve to be able to celebrate yourself without getting sliced up by internet randos. And yeah, poly belongs in pride month, it's something worth celebrating and taking pride in.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words.

I want to take this ask/post as a moment to update on my emotional outburst the other night (found HERE and some follow-up if you missed it). Mostly that I have been blown away by the amount of positivity people responded with! I have grown so used to people wanting to fiercely argue with me and accuse me of shit that I was feeling isolated and like nobody was on my side. I was shocked to be reminded of how many other people have went through the same. Lots of people also said that telling people they were gay/bi or trans was easy but it is hard to tell people that they are non-monogamous and not get hated for it. Again, not everybody's experience but certainly true for more than even I realized. It was so validating.

There was 1 hashtag on one of the reblogs that really stood out to me, "#polyphobia". I talk to death about homophobia and transphobia, even biphobia. But I have never really uttered that word. And it was so refreshing to just label it that. Polyamory still gets so erased that even the word for hating it felt victim to erasure. As if, "How could polyphobia exist when polyamory isn't a real or serious thing that deserves to be protected." I was reminded of all the other phobias that Pride has delt with. The biggest is of course Transphobia. Gays and lesbians were great but transpeople were wrong, despite being so important to the history of pride. Let's not forget how often gay and straight people have come together for biphobia to hate the greedy people that just can't pick a side. But I think the one that resonates most for me is questioning whether or not asexuality belongs at Pride. I am far from asexual myself but I have a lot of friends that are and hearing their accounts of being mistreated by people all over the spectrum really just struck a chord in my heart. All of these cases of people who were not welcomed at Pride at one point but now are mostly welcomed. And now the newest enemy to isolate and say they don't belong at pride is polyamorous people. They aren't queer enough. It might let in cis-het people which would be so awful~. I can only hope in time we look back at this and won't be able to remember a time when polyamorous people were pushed out of Pride just as we are already forgetting that bi, trans, and ace people were too.

I have also come to the conclusion that some Polyamory Facebook groups are just filled with outright mean people. Toneless online conversation with some level of anonymity will always lead to people being less compassionate and empathetic. Other night I joined a local "Polyamory Discussion" Zoom meetup and it was just so nice to see the faces of polyamorous strangers and hear a bit about what was going on with them. They felt so much more like 'real people' than the angry people online that won't listen to you as they rant at you on auto-pilot. Seeing Tumblr being a much more supportive community has also really helped to reconnect my tethers to this community that I love so much. Thank you.

[call-sign-shark]

Hi there,

A friend of mine was watching Peaky with me the other day and we ended up having a convo about Arthur. We were just wondering what the Arthur lovers liked the most about him?

I mean I sort of get the appeal of him being fucked in the head and sorta unhinged. But what’s the best thing about him?

I really hope this doesn’t come of as judgmental! We were just genuinely curious since we’re totally Tommy girlies. 😅

Hi Tommy's girl anon! Thank you so much for your wonderful question. Don't worry, this is not judgemental at all, quite the contrary this is always such an interesting topic to discuss! 😊

First of all, I'll try to remain concise because I can write for hours about my love for Arthur, but my goal isn't to bore the death of you.

Obviously, the unhinged and mentally fucked up aspect of the character is what attracted me at first. It's my favorite character trope of all time, and all my favorite fictional characters have it -- and when I say favorite fictional characters I mean characters I hold very dear to my heart. I can mention Vaas Montenegro from Far Cry 3 and Jinx from League of Legends / Arcane. This is also a trope you can find in most of my OCs except Heaven, which has a colder and maybe even creepier form of "madness".

Apart from the unhinged persona, I can also talk about his physical appearance. Of course, Tommy is hot but... I don't know, there's something about Arthur's weird style, body language, and lanky body type that feeds his batshit crazy and unpredictable nature. To conclude that very quick and superficial part of physical appearance, I also think that Paul Anderson's eyes and facial features are jaw-dropping. Next time you watch Peaky Blinders try to pay attention to Arthur's eyes and gaze. I won't be able to explain it properly but he has a piercing and intense stare with adorable bambi lashes.

Now, if I had to choose the best thing about him I'd go for his complexity. SK's poor character management aside, Arthur is the most complex character in the show in my opinion. And his complexity did surprise me. I really thought his character would remain the typical unhinged and problematic brother throughout the story but the more the plot unfolds, the more I've discovered a very third-dimensional and emotional character. Arthur is a character full of colors and paradoxes. On the one hand, he is that ultraviolent man with psychotic outbursts and addiction problems, and on the other hand he is that loving (and yandere) husband, loyal brother, and goofy man. Like, for real, the drastic change in him when Linda appeared blew my mind in the most positive way possible. Arthur is the type of character that you know is fucked up and who does cruel/unforgivable things but you can't hate him. You can't help feeling bad for him because, somehow, he's maybe the sweetest of all the Shelby clan. The fact that Arthur is always walking on a thin line between pure psychotic monster and touching / redemption-seeking man is certainly the best thing in his tragic character. It is also best described by Polly's quote " Watch Arthur, because he's as likely to hurt himself as anyone else."  He tries to be good, he really tries but he's fighting with the wrong weapons and always ends up sinking again. That's why I appreciated SK freeing him from his addictions and making him feel better at the end of S6 after the shitty treatment of the character throughout that final season.

I would have loved to go on but I think this post is already long enough. To summarize, Arthur is a complex character made of paradoxes and this bipolarity between the violent/evil man and the loving/goofy one is fascinating. Thanks for your wonderful question and thank you for choosing me! 🖤

[cyanide-latte]

I'm gonna throw you a bit of a hard one:

Wingman, Guardian, and Alone - any of yours with any of mine (at your disgression)

The prompt list in question if anyone wants it

Oooh... This one definitely made me think a bit.

Q:🌹 Wingman — how do each character react to finding out the other(s) has a crush on someone outside their friend group? do they have different approaches to acting as a "wingman" for their buddy, or do they worry about becoming a third wheel?

A: So I'm mixing it up a little bit, because in this case the friend IS outside the friend group, in the case of Copper's friendship with René. We haven't discussed it much, but it feels to me when I comb over our past discussions that Copper is more likely to interact with René about Rook's feelings for them and (once he clocks that René cannot fully hide their feelings for Rook) vice-versa. I think the one or two times Copper prods at Rook about that mutual attraction, Rook goes quiet and/or deliberately avoids the subject, so Copper is more likely to coax René in small ways if he can. He thinks that there's something there, something really good that could come of the two of them getting together once they get past their individual challenges and worries. He's not even slightly worried about being a third wheel (both Rook and René are a little too private as individuals for him to worry about that,) but he would be concerned he's being an overly pushy nag. Up to you what you think though, because I can definitely also see René avoiding the subject if Copper brings it up!

Q: 🛡️ Guardian — does someone specific take the role of "guardian", or do they protect each other equally? if one character is more protective of the other(s), is their protective nature appreciated or suffocating?

A: This was the hardest one to answer because I wanted to not have overlapping characters in these answers, so I really struggled with this for a hot minute. And then I recalled our discussions about my nextgens in relation to Oisín! You can feel free to correct me if I'm misreading anything, but from the few things we've mentioned, I could see Oisín definitely being protective of Kit, especially when Kit is very, very little. In the same way that I think a lot of the extended found family unit is probably protective of that kiddo! Plus there is probably something special for Oisín as a dullahan there, because they're friends with Grandpa Ilias, and with Chrys, and now Oisín undoubtedly holds a very special place in Kit's life because, as Chrys's son, Kit is the third generation of this family that Oisín has been able to bond with, even if those bonds of friendship are slightly different between them. As for how Kit feels about it, it's hard to say. When he's younger, he undoubtedly takes that for granted in the way that children do. Oisín has always had a presence in his life and been seen by him as a guardian figure, why would that ever change? As Kit hits his teen years, I expect at some point he stops taking that for granted and recognizes how important that is, though it's up in the air how and when he would express his thanks to Oisín for their presence in his life.

Q: 🐺 Alone — what's something they each know no one else will understand -- no one else, aside from each other?

A: All things considered, this was probably the easiest one to answer, because I don't think that anyone has quite the same overlap in their struggles and feelings as Wei Renqiao and Emil. Relating on the point of Overblot is one thing, but tack on the mutual understanding and frustration and grief of feeling like you've failed to save a loved one from something, the struggle with an expectation they have to get married because of Reasons, the strong sense of community and the reflexive instinct to help others even to the cost of themselves, and you've got two boys who can open up about a great deal of things and feel understood and resonate with one another that they won't totally get with other friendships.

[asimplearchivist]

I feel like I'm offering excuses hand over hand regarding the lack of updates for my WIPs, and I admit that I've been a bit lazy lately since I've been replaying DAI, but something happened this weekend that might keep me from being able to write for a while. I'll probably still be active as far as responses/asks/rbs go, I've just been struggling creatively anyway and then circumstances like this always complicate matters even more. I hope to have something done by the time I go back to uni at the end of August, but I may be busy, idk yet.

(C/TW below the cut: pet/animal death, vague description of injuries bc I won't put y'all through the gruesome details, etc. I don't expect anyone to read this if it's upsetting or brings up bad memories; please don't distress yourself for my sake.)

I lost my cat, my baby, of nineteen years Friday evening due to unfortunate and rather terrible circumstances. It was gruesome, but we were able to get her help as soon as we could. Her injuries (from large dogs that have been roaming the neighborhood recently, because apparently their owners don't care about the havoc they wreak on all the rabbits that live around us; but it's hard to tell when they'll be out and about, and my cat has been indoor/outdoor all her life, plus we're mostly isolated, so it was just terrible timing) were extensive enough that there was little hope she would make it through surgery. I made the decision to have her euthanized so she wouldn't suffer, and I held her through it so she wouldn't be alone.

I'm not hunting sympathy, and I'm not really looking to discuss it privately as I am still coming to terms between acknowledging that, logically, I handled it as best as I could given the time-intensiveness of the situation while struggling with normal guilt and self-doubt. Well wishes are welcome, of course, I don't mean to sound standoffish in any way - I'd simply prefer not to dwell on it nor languish in reliving the details, if that's all right.

She lived a very long, very spoiled life, and even the nurses were offering some comfort in saying that she was in remarkably good shape to be that old. I had her since I was about four, and while I wish I could have done and handled some things differently, I know that she was getting feeble anyway. I noticed the other day that she was looking abnormally thin, and I've been preparing myself for this for the last couple of years because she gave us a couple of scares recently. While the circumstances were not ideal by any means, and perhaps this sounds horrible, but to have the option sort of taken from me makes it the tiniest bit easier. I had prayed for that very thing because I didn't think I could handle making a decision regarding an illness or something of the like bc you never really know if it's the right thing to do. I just would've preferred she'd gone asleep.

This ended up way longer than I intended, I apologize. She was the best cat I could've ever asked for. She was sassy and smartassy and ran our house her whole life. She would come to me at night when she'd hear me crying and lick my face to distract me. She let me baby her and carry her around and she was so very sweet. She slept with me many long nights and kept me warm. I'll miss her more than I could possibly put into words, as she meant so much to me.

(I worry this will spark a debate about the 'ethics' of having outdoor cats but we live in a mostly rural almost country area, and we've never had very many problems with dogs before so this was all very unexpected. She always stayed close to the house. But I suppose it doesn't matter now. We're keeping our new baby inside on lockdown until the dogs can be dealt with. She isn't happy about it, but she's tolerating my clinginess better than she did before, since she's not super touchy-feely. I think she knows I'm needing a little comfort.)

I digress. If anyone reads this, I appreciate it. It isn't easy. I would never wish this upon anyone. She was my best friend and companion and comforter for many years, and I'm just glad I was able to be there with her when she went. I hope she knew how much I loved her.

[absentcaryatid]

Love Takes Flight

An ATEEZ fanfic by AbsentCaryatid

The reader falls for Yunho when the idol uses their services as a pilot to regularly visit family back in Gwangju. With help from Wooyoung, the affection is finally revealed to be mutual.

2.8K words, Content note: gender neutral reader, suitable for all ages, reader is referred to by pronoun they, nonjudgmental mention of weight for fueling purposes, food

~

In later years you could laugh about accusing your future husband of being a smuggler the first time you talked, but in the moment, the misunderstanding was mortifying for both of you. Luckily, Yunho did not hold a grudge and everything went smoothly from then onward, other than that memorable concert of course.

He had called after discovering your advertisement for small scale cargo shipping between Seoul and Gwangju. “I'm having trouble finding someone to do what I need. I'm hoping I came to the right person. The matter is urgent and very important to me. I'll pay well.”

“Look sir, I don't know what you think I do, but I never get involved in anything illegal if that is what you are asking.” The tone was cold and firm. You did not have much, but you had pride in running a clean business despite the many lucrative opportunities you could have put your plane to.

Even through the phone Yunho's embarrassment at your assumption was evident. Between shocked gasps he spluttered out, “I would never. It is nothing like that.”

Cringing at how badly the discussion was going, you became very apologetic. “I should not have jumped to that conclusion so quickly, I just like to make things very clear because people do ask it of me sometimes.”

Yunho was kind about the mistake. “I understand, and appreciate your integrity. Phrasing things so oddly was my fault. I'm in a bind and not thinking well. I'm the cargo.” He went on to explain that he needed a flight back to his hometown. “When I have the time off I go by car, or can take the high-speed rail from Yongsan Station, but the schedule is too tight that day. Even the commercial flights from Gimpo Airport to Gwangju International won't get me there when I need to arrive.”

“This sounds serious. Business trip?” Your attention became focused on how extravagantly to charge the man for passenger service while you supposed his corporate jet was grounded for repair. Given the convenience of scheduled airline flights to Gwangju, nobody had ever asked your small business focused on freight to deliver them before, so you intended to make the most of the opportunity.

“My little brother is getting an award at a school function and I would like to be there. I have missed so much of his life due to my work and I really want to do this for him.”

Your heart went out to Yunho. With a reason like that, you easily agreed to help. “Give me your weight and I'll calculate the added gas expenditure at no markup. I was already headed to Gwangju that afternoon anyway and can easily shift the time to what you need.”

Yunho's sigh of relief was heavy. “Thank you a million times over. I'll owe you a lot for this, and maybe can do something for you one day, concert tickets or something like that.”

“Hmm, I'm not very into music, but I could always take my mother to a trot concert. Sports teams are more my thing. Big fan of Gwangju FC and Kia Tigers.”

“Football and baseball, looks like we will have a lot to talk about on the flight. I look forward to it.” With that, Yunho was gone and you practically forgot about him until the day of the unusual job.

Dressed handsomely in a suit and looking straight from the hairdresser, Yunho greeted you at the hangar with a respectful handshake. “Thank you again for being able to accommodate me. My dad wanted me to be a dentist, and sometimes I think I would have liked a career that let me live near family, but I wouldn't give up my job for the world.”

When he did not elaborate on his profession, you led Yunho to the secondhand twin-engine turboprop modified for carrying freight rather than passengers. “I'm usually hauling delicacies from Jeolla province to Seoul. I know you planned to take the high-speed rail tomorrow, though if you want to catch the return flight you are welcome to. No cost, but it is an early call. This run includes pastries one of my clients wants to wake up to and nobody makes them like her favorite shop in Gwangju. As long as they are willing to pay for that service, I am happy to provide since I enjoy spending as much time in the air as I can.”

Yunho accepted the terms. “I can handle waking early, no problem.”

“You will also need to wear a headset for noise and communicating through the microphone. It takes some getting used to, but it is necessary, I'm afraid.”

Perhaps Yunho was nervous, for he hid laughter behind a hand before answering. “Pretty sure I can work with that too.”

“The cargo area has some fold down seats. If you would prefer a bit more comfort and a view you can have the co-pilot seat.” Usually you had a preference for solitude in the cockpit, but you did not mind at all when Yunho agreed to join you. Even from the original phone call you had liked him, and meeting in person had only added to his appeal.

The flight went off without a hitch and after less than an hour the small plane landed in Gwangju. Time had gone quickly due to Yunho's ease at conversation covering for some of your own lesser social skills. You looked forward to the return trip, wondering if he would be as sociable at dawn.

With far more energy than your own, Yunho thoughtfully met you at the hangar the next morning with a coffee in each hand. That led you to bring out spare pastries because it would have been impossible for either of you to survive the trip otherwise with the fresh baked goods filling the plane with their enticing scent.

In flight he shared some photos from the night before. A proud looking Yunho was standing beside a young teen almost his own height, flanked by beaming parents with a touch of gray hair. There were also plenty of pictures from the award ceremony. Yunho's voice on its own was lovely, but to hear it filled with such pride in his scholastically accomplished brother made it even more attractive.

With Yunho's approval, you got into the habit of texting him whenever you were headed to his hometown. Taking advantage of the opportunity, sometimes he came along in the co-pilot seat to get more time in with family here and there. Over many round trip flights you could accurately say you became friends, bonding with Yunho over sports, video games, and the joy of browsing at Gwangju's Kumho World Electronics Market.

Sometimes Yunho would even sing scraps of songs, leaving you in awe of his voice. The suggestion he was good enough to do it for a living put a smile on his face. As time went on the conversations became more personal, and you shared hopes for the future. Marriage and family were something you both desired when the right person came along.

It should not have surprised you that these steady hours spent together had you falling for the kind man. You were sure his good looks brought lots of attention, but it was Yunho's gentle nature and love for his family that first won you over. To realize you were compatible in many ways sealed the deal on your end.

Nobody made you laugh like he could, and while the hopeful side of you wondered if it was proof he liked you back, the more rational part of your brain recognized Yunho probably was that charming with everyone. Still, you noticed he started to make use of your phone number to text more than flight bookings. The occasional messages were warm inquiries into how your day was going that seemed genuine in their interest and a way to keep in touch between flights. At the very least you figured he considered you a friend, and that felt pretty good.

Yunho never spoke about his profession, but you guessed he was a businessman from the long hours he kept. It made you glad to be self-employed and in control of your schedule in a way Yunho seemed not to be. That ability to set your own timetable for work came in handy when a call came in one night just after you had fallen asleep.

Yunho apologized for the contact at such an unusual hour, but mentioned he was desperate. He and his co-workers had a flight from LAX to Incheon International Airport. They had been scheduled to arrive far earlier but multiple delays kept cropping up and they had been unable to switch to a different plane despite constant efforts from his staff.

In a sleepy haze you mentioned your little aircraft was not able to handle international travel. Once his laughter died down Yunho let you know that was not what he was asking. They were finally about to board the delayed plane and it was being given priority to take off. Instead, he asked if you could fly eight people to Gwangju once they landed at Incheon. There was an appointment that could not be rescheduled and he was desperate to know if you could get the group there in time.

“My cargo plane is not particularly comfortable, but it will get the job done. I'll be ready to go at Incheon tomorrow when you get in.”

“You are saving me again. I really do owe you tickets this time. Text me the details where to meet if you would. Thank you and sleep well.”

With a final yawn you mumbled, “Goodnight Yunho, sleep well too,” then ended your call as you heard cheers on the other end of the line.

Straight off the plane from Los Angeles due to a customs wavier, the group of casually dressed men arrived from the other side of Incheon airport in two security vans, lights flashing. Impressed, you realized Yunho must be a more important person than you knew to get such treatment from the airport. Your own flight plan from Gimpo airport that morning had been similarly easy to obtain permission for, even with such short notice.

Despite his youth, perhaps Yunho was high up in a family business. Still, companies powerful enough to get special treatment would have had a corporate jet of their own for his use. In many ways your friend was still a mystery to you, making you feel you really weren't that close after all. His companions too gave off the air of college kids, but on a second look their comfortable clothes bore the names of fashion houses making you wonder if there was more to them as well.

Passengers now aboard, you prepared to take off for Gwangju. While the majority of the guys who had quickly introduced themselves in passing were now slumped on the cargo area's bench seats fast asleep, Jongho rode as your honorary co-pilot to enjoy the view. Like Yunho, he adapted just as easily to talking through the headset, though he did make a joke about preferring a handheld microphone.

The trip was mostly quiet, with a few questions about the landscape below or the plane's operation. There was one diversion into more personal matters, however. “Yunho has been much happier keeping in closer contact with his family these days. I sense he has another reason too. Yunho mentions you a lot.” Jongho's thoughts ended there, at least the ones he shared, but it gave you things to think about as well. You wondered if one day you could open up to Yunho about how much you truly cared for him. However, that was a matter for another day as you turned your focus to preparing to land as the destination drew near.

Stepping down from the plane, Hongjoong was grateful you had pulled off this logistical miracle. “Thanks to you we won't let ATINY down.”

“ATINY? Never heard of that before. Is that the name of your company?”

Seonghwa was so taken with laughter that he clapped. With a sly smile and a glance to Yunho he asked, “They don't know do they?”

You were too busy to ask what he meant as you rushed the men to your waiting panel van kept in Gwangju for your work. Thanks to a friend who owed you a favor, the modular seats had been reinstalled and you could truck people instead of the usual cargo.

As you drove away from the airport you received directions to their destination along with a little bit of information about ATINY and ATEEZ. It was a shock to discover you had the honor of ferrying an idol group headed to a performance. To the relief of everyone involved, the group easily made it to the festival in time for the line check.

While you watched in amazement from the wings, a KQ Entertainment staffer from the advance crew brought you a festival ticket for the VIP area closest to the stage, compliments of Yunho and the rest of the guys. With time to spare before the evening concert, you could now relax. While Yunho had hours of preparation ahead of him, he had suggested you explore Gwangju's K-Pop Star Street in Chungjang-ro now that his secret identity was known.

As you walked along you began to get a sense of how popular ATEEZ was. A blue and yellow Treasure Ep. 3 album cover was among the shutter murals lining the avenue. Another spot listed quite a number of K-pop artists who had lived in Gwangju followed by a collage that included childhood photos of the local idols. Among them was an adorable toddler in a backwards cap. You suspected that kid with a spoon in his mouth was Yunho so you took a photo to ask him about the next time he caught a ride to visit family.

Gwangju had done a really great job of promoting their homegrown artists. While you might not have recognized the idols' names, even you had heard of the groups 2NE1, Monsta X, Wonder Girls, and BTS. For Yunho to be listed among them told you he had been incredibly modest about his accomplished life. If you had ever taken a walk here before you might have recognized Yunho as a star by name or looks when you first met. It probably was for the best he had the chance to be known as just an everyday guy on your flights together.

The final stop was a wall of cast metal handprints. When you found Yunho's among them you had to place your own in the same spot. Looking like any other fan, you took a picture to remember how the size compared to your own. Perhaps as other fans did too, you wondered how it would feel to hold his hand, go on a date together, hear him profess love for you.... The fantasy ended as the alarm on your phone reminded you to head back in time for ATEEZ's appearance.

Impressed. That was about the only thought you could manage after watching the performance. Yunho had been quite a secret keeper, and you admired his discretion and humility rather than feel slighted by the secrecy.

Before they left the stage, Hongjoong thanked the festival committee for inviting them. Mingi added appreciation to ATINY for being there, and Wooyoung spoke last with grateful words for the pilot who made their appearance possible after flight delays coming off their latest tour. Not one for the spotlight, you shrank in your seat as Wooyoung briefly described your heroic efforts to get them there. “The best way I can thank you is to tell you Yunho has had the biggest crush on you forever but he is too timid to say so!”

The first to recover his wits after such a bombshell, Seonghwa roughly yanked Wooyoung off the stage. His parental scolding could be heard over the screams in the crowd until his headset mic was cut. Many in the audience sounded delighted, but you figured there were some murmurs of envy as well. A few were heard to call out, “I love you too, Yunho!”

It was quick thinking on San's part to get you out of the audience and away from publicity, or being hit by a LIGHTINY from a heartbroken Yunho stan. San hopped down from the stage and assisted you in climbing over the barrier. When security staff protested, Yeosang was right by his side insisting this was a necessary safety precaution as they hustled you off to their dressing area.

Still on stage, Mingi unsuccessfully tried to usher a frozen Yunho into the wings. Jongho wisely solved the problem by passing his microphone to Mingi then hoisting Yunho over his shoulder and carrying him backstage. Finally reunited with Yunho, the other members drew back to give you some privacy. The positive conversation was short and ended with a tentative kiss, then shy smiles all around. ATEEZ's performance at the K-pop festival was memorable for many things that year, but it would best be remembered as a very public beginning to your romantic relationship with Yunho.

~

Yunho Masterlist

General Masterlist