#i realized thats not how im supposed to describe it

[destielgaysex]

the physical therapist after listening to me describe my pain as a rock stuck in my neck instead of "dull" or "sharp" : okay... and on a scale of 1-10 how would you rate this pain?

my autistic ass who just described my muscle pain from a concussion with a metaphor: a 5 or maybe a 7... POINT FIVE.

the physical therapist: .....

[arielluva]

waiting for files to upload and having a moment about feelings ive had my entire life but never realized i had

[britneyshakespeare]

funny thing happened when i was subbing fourth grade technology today. a boy raised his hand when i introduced myself as miss (last name) and said "there used to be someone who looked JUST like you who worked at after care a few years ago."

"that was me >:)"

and he was like... honestly *____*-facing

[finnfinland]

for @therewasnofloorbtw who asked for snirius 😝😝😝

Dogsbane !

sirius black x sev snape (tfem as always)

they met through lily!!

sev HATED sirius. n sirius hated her back. enemies 2 lovers core

this intense rivalry was literally over house rivalry... can u tell they were first years

around 3rd year the hatred fizzled out into a more joking thing

(they realized beefing over houses was stupid)

"hello, black. you smell like wet dog, should i take you to the pound?" "sorry miss prince, im not supposed to talk to strays!"

(sev uses her mothers maiden name, sirius was the quickest one to switch. he gets it)

around fifth year sev is hanging with lily and the other gryffindor girls

and they are talking relationships

"uh, i guess my type would be someone who can keep up with me? but like, isn't LIKE me. opposites attract."

they all raise there eyebrows at her

she continues to literally describe a certain rocker boy

"...sev. you have described sirius."

AW FUCK

so sev has like an internal breakdown

"WTF DO I DO HE WOULDNT LIKE ME WE ARE BARELY FRIENDS. WHAT DO I DO"

so obviously all the girls are shit stirrers n are like CONFESS😈😈

so sev does as told bc shes like Im autistic ig thats how crushes work idk😭😭

she tells sirius

hes like... i know? we have been flirting for years

WHAT

they end up getting together but sirius teases her abt it FOREVER

so yeah snirius or dogsbane 🤞

[dingodad]

you can link to it if youve already answered it, but how do you think lord english “runs” his empire? by the way you talk about alternia, it sounds to me like you imagine he did play a role as some kind of shadow political leader that made active decisions in the structuring of alternia. is that the case? i think thats really interesting, i always wondered what his rulership over the condesce actually looked like. iirc lord english has only ever shown been screaming and destroying things so i’ve always struggled to imagine if he would even be lucid enough to make decisions or do anything other than mass murder. does doc scratch have some way to implicitly understand his desires and then deliver orders to the condesce on his behalf? or was the caliborn that the “kids” fight at some nebulous time in the “future,” the one who’s soul dirk rips out, not teen caliborn but an actually fully realized adult cherub caliborn who had already been fucking with alternia? idk if that makes sense, the part of the comic where the beta kids are described by caliborn to have been sucked into the juju has always been a little weird for me to wrap my head around. i always imagined the battle happened between them all as kids still but now that im trying to imagine a lucid lord english im realizing they could very well all be adults because we still havent “seen” it actually happen aside from caliborn’s claymation right? anyways. very interested in what your thoughts on caliborn’s active influence on alternia looked like

lots of really great questions! i'll try to get my thoughts in order here.

to start at the beginning of lord english's story: yes, it is an important point that we have no idea "when" caliborn's masterpiece actually takes place; how old caliborn is, where the kids who beat him up even came from... and I think this is because the details in that story don't necessarily matter. while i certainly believe there is a point in caliborn's timeline where a gaggle of teenagers show up and stuff him into a puppet, what we see play out on his claymation stage is a mythologised account of something that happens to him over and over again in many many different ways over the course of his time loop.

so while i wouldn't call that caliborn "fully realised", necessarily, i think we are supposed to see him as "caliborn-as-lord-english"; he has the peg leg, he has mastery over the felt, he's finally obtained the rainbow magic eyes, and while he certainly hasn't encountered the trolls yet, no, he has had loads of practice at being the puppetmaster of his own world as he hones his homosuck craft and uses the terminals left to him by his session to influence homestuck itself! (i don't think whether caliborn is ultimately "teen" or an "adult" is hugely relevant, because caliborn's specific circumstances mean that he doesn't really "grow" or "mature" by aging the same way a human does; he gradually acquires power in different ways.)

related to this, i tend to use the names 'caliborn' and 'lord english' interchangeably. which i know not everyone will agree with, but i think it aligns with the hussie's philosophy that act 6 is about the kid versions of the comic's grownup characters; while, yes, the lord english contained within lil cal also contains sprinklings of equius, dirk and gamzee, these characters are ultimately caliborn's servitors, and i would argue that subsuming weaker personalities into his own is kind of part of caliborn's Bag as a dominant cherub.

anyway, all that is just to say that it's important to be aware that lord english DOES act like caliborn, and isn't just a mindless, speechless force of destruction - at least not all of the time. when damara tries to escape his captivity, he speaks to her in caliborn's voice, and perhaps more importantly, tells us the one thing you must never forget about lord english: he is ALREADY HERE. never be fooled into thinking lord english only showed up at alternia's death and then fucked off into the furthest ring to hunt his sister - his first act was to travel back to the beginning of alternian history and become its architect. notice how as soon as lord english speaks, two things happen: first, the cursor changes into english's reptilian hand; second, we see the puppet hole in doc scratch's back - he was the literal puppetmaster behind scratch's actions the whole time!

so yes, lord english was an active participant in the shaping of the alternian empire, though i think "political leader" is probably the wrong description; he certainly never had any face-to-face conversations or gave any direct orders to any trolls, at least within modern troll history. but that's not what he's about: as the cuestick, and with scratch as his cueball, english's manipulations are more about lining up the perfect shot, executing a precision strike, and then letting events play out exactly as planned.

probably the most influential of these precision strikes was establishing the subjugglator cult, who worship him and his puppet as twin mirthful messiahs; while we don't know exactly how he did this, it's not hard to imagine it had something to do with appearing to them as an all-powerful angel at the very dawn of their society. compare this to how the condesce makes cordial visits to every planet she passes on her journey through the stars, then fucks off to let her army of trolls decimate the place. after all, scratch operates in exactly the same way: he doesn't waste his time constantly relaying orders to his proteges, but rather grooms them when they're still young, turning them into his unwitting soldiers so that when he finally does intervene he's only telling them to do things that "deep down, they already know they want to do." (commentary from Homestuck: Book 4, p. 216)

while the condesce formally becomes english's puppet when she kills the handmaid - inheriting both the rustblood's curse and essentially taking up scratch's role on earth - it's not like she was ever particularly hands-on when it came to helming the metaphorical ship herself. in porrim's words, she was "the Lo+rd's slave all alo+ng [...] thro+ugh manipulatio+n by his cunning emplo+yee", but what the condesce enjoys doing most is delegating! on alternia she gave most of her authority to the subjugglators, and then did the exact same shit again on earth. remember meenah never wanted the responsibilities of heiress, and ran to beforus' pink moon to escape them; the way i see it, the condesce rushing off into space to explore the galaxy instead of overseeing the planet she's responsible for is just a repeat of the same behaviour, and doing so left a power vacuum for english to essentially insert his own guys into. (possibly thematically relevant, since lord english's role is fundamentally to shoot balls into unfilled dark pockets.)

in short, english is cleverer - or at least, more competent - than we give him credit for. it's just that rather than a chess master who moves each piece to its proper place individually, he's playing pool; if you line up just the right shot, you only need to make one move, and the balls will play the rest of the moves off of each other. looked at another way, as the Lord of Time and master of the alpha timeline, english makes his moves by controlling inevitability itself. he engineers things so that events can only play out in the exact way he wants them to, and all other options are doomed. and to do that, he only needs to be present at key moments in alternia's history - most importantly its very beginning and its very end.

[sechsviciado]

when doves cry

reaperken/touka ; written circa nov/dec 2022

no warnings or ratings really?

-

so after my slight reaperken/touka rambling yesterday i figured that i really have nothing to lose from posting this small snippet of a fic (oneshot??) thats been sitting in my google drafts for nearly the past two years; if this is crappy i can always just delete it but ive wanted to contribute a bit more to keep tokyo ghoul tumblr alive so i figure why not?

i felt so smart when i came up with the title since ken was a dove during that entire reaper arc until the events of cochlea. i didnt really pay attention to prince's lyrics in the song but looking back at it now i guess some apply? not really any inspiration was gained from it though, i just grew up with music from the 60s-90s so the title kind of came to my mind and it happened to be a prince reference. not really any ratings or warnings yet?? its nowhere near finished and im not sure if ill even finish it because i feel my writing heavily lacks.

anyway, without further ado

how many months had it been?

it had been months — years — since he recalled feeling this exact way. of course, haise had felt this way too, but it would never compare to the feelings he had for her before that brief period of time where he had lost recognition of everything and everyone who once meant something to him. ironically, it's when he felt most at peace with the butterflies in his stomach, beating against his rib cage and the cage surrounding the longing which could never be released. he’s regained his memories now, but he knew something was different within him even when he laid his glassy eyes on her again on that first visit to :re as sasaki haise. why did he feel so entrapped and yet so wrongly distant even when he had no recollection of her prior on that first visit to the cafe?

it would never be the same.

it would never compare to the feeling of falling in love with her and the realization that came with it. the realization that left him in a state of both a mix of surprise and agitation for days and with a feeling that could only be described as his heart skipping a beat and yet crumbling at the same time. it would never happen, would it? he had chosen to face that reality when he was still his old self, naive and too ashamed of his actions to actually face her after all the pain he caused her as a result of the pain which engulfed his entire life, too. too ashamed to accept his new reality, hiding behind his eyepatch — too ashamed to admit he had fallen in love so easily. he wasn't any different now.

haise may have fallen in love with her through the lens of a reborn figure with a fresh start and no boundaries to stand behind (apart from his obvious shyness and the weird sense of familiarity), but it just occurred by fate. the same fate that had snatched him from her years prior had found a way to bring him back into her arms and make him belong to her once again. he can't help but believe that maybe there was some future destined between them; the embittered part of his heart and soul makes him realize even that destiny would probably be cursed or filled with further strife.

though he supposed that didn't matter now.

not when he was even more distant from her than when he was an amnesiac with no recollection of her apart from the same old feeling of confusing comfort and longing. it's humorous and yet painful to think about how low he'd fallen in this aspect, not even being able to face her once again. despite his older age, he was still just a boy when it came to this same ancient rush, wasn't he? it doesn't matter. she surely didn't want anything to do with him anyways, especially not after everything that he's done. he's betrayed her and everyone who was once a part of him once again, and he’s chosen to accept that painful reality ever since he vowed to stop dreaming and flung tsukiyama off that building. facades all break down eventually.

though he supposed that didn't matter now, either.

he’d be disposed of soon enough before any of this could matter at all — before hinami was to be the one to disappear from the purgatory that was life as a ghoul. there was no heaven and there was no hell; there was no afterlife. heaven was bliss and safety on earth while hell was anguish and pain.

it was selfish of him to hope touka would feel any sort of pain after all of the grief and rage he's put her through time and time again, but he hoped he'd at least be remembered by the person he felt he loved most in this lifetime — the one who hadn't thrown him aside but who had instead built a nest for him as if though her life depended on it. he can't help but wonder… he’s had everyone he's ever known and cared for snatched from his hands by the same twisted fate that led him to await his upcoming death, he doesn't know if the puddle of both coldness and warmth in his stomach is either fear or love.

he'd truly cherish any memory he had of her before he’d be killed.

he vaguely remembers telling her, years ago, that he'd be sad if she died; he just hopes she would be saddened at his death, too.

[loudn-mcyt]

SBK Finale Liveblogging: Vintage_Applesauce

Spoilers below the cut:

I have never been more ready or less ready for this. I'm so afraid.

The title immediately jumped out to me. "Surviving the end"???? I don't believe you Vintage

I don't think cherry is getting out of this one guys...

If I'm wrong I'll be so happy but Ruby and Vintage have not been filling me with confidence

Everyone subscribe to Vintage right now. I am no longer asking

The countdown has started...I'm not ready...

STARTING WITH RUE THATS NOT FAIR

WAUGHHHHHHH

I love the manipulation montage

"It wasn't supposed to be this way" NOOOOOOO

WHEN SHE AGREED TO BE OLMS HOST AUGHHHH

"I did not do it with the intent of harming others"

Oh my god. I was so close on so many of my predictions.

Ruby is what vintage got out of the deal with Olm???? I'm crying

She wanted companionship...she didn't realize what she would lose...

Another point for Olm god of betrayal (said through tears)

Based on chat Ruby played Olm in the flashbacks. Woo Ruby!

She's manipulating Yellow so much. But in her defense. He's so easy to manipulate

I support her in doing so. I don't support Olm though. Only Vintage.

8 months??? Olm's been playing them the whole time...

"getting out of this". That was already hinted at im Viking's finale but I can't wait to find out what he's trying to get out of.

The picnic is so cute

The shulker monster...Vintage...

She described the picnic as romantic :( my heart

She opened the pen pal message and closed it augh

I love the void cathedral I've said it before and I'll say it again

Why is the screen going dark. Why is everything quiet. Vintage. Vintage.

"Your end of the deal????" WAUGHHHHHH

Olm die die die die die

Leave her alone. Get a job.

This is incredible storytelling. Unfortunately it is incredible storytelling with the express purpose of SHATTERING MY HEART INTO PIECES

Ruby is there but Vintage is NOT looking at him even a little bit augh

She just walks right past Ruby...they don't interact she just brushes right past...

Volm manipulating until the very end. I might be imagining things but this almost seems like it's a little more anxious than before, trying to get Viking to do this before Olm loses his chance

"this is therapeutic to watch" OLM I HATE YOU

"I never leave" EAUGH

It's time for the ritual. It's time to find out what happens.

I love her evil laugh...I may not like Olm but I do love evil Vintage

Olm is free. FROM WHAT. FROM WHAT?!?!?

Vintage :(((( she's so sorry :((((

"I need to make things right."

She's scrambling so hard to hide

RUBY WAUGHHHHH

"Stay back" NOOOOOO

RUBY DOESNT VELIEVE HER THAT SHES SORRY

I'm in agony

"An apology to me is not really. I mean. Do you hate me that much?" WAUGHHHHH

"You didn't go looking for me."

I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE

SAKURA SPOUSES DIVORCE REAL. I HATE IT HERE

"You were all I wanted!"

Vintage betrayed everyone she loved, used everyone around her, to try to keep Olm contained. Because she wanted love. Because she wanted companionship.

She built the sewers on purpose to make the island safe from what would happen...

Vintage and Ruby's acting is so good. Moment of appreciation for how good this is

I'm going to rewatch this episode like 5 times there's so much here to sink my teeth into

"How do I know you're not just using me again."

"You told me to trust you...and I trusted you."

She knows that she cant regain Ruby's trust but it's the only thing she wants

Vintage is BEGGING Ruby to come with and be safe but Ruby won't go...because they remember their family...they remember the world before Skyblock...

THE BOOK

"As soon as I knew I couldn't trust you anymore, I knew I couldn't trust anything."

"Your end of the world doesn't involve me."

"I can't." "You can. Because I trust you."

"Maybe we'll have our happy ending one day."

The poppy...

"Of course I'll remember you."

I'm in shambles. Im dead. They love each other so much no matter what they will always find each other but that doesn't mean it'll be a happy ending

"No matter how many deals you make. No matter how many times you try, how many times you pray. Sometimes it's just not meant to be." WAUGHHHHHHHHHH

"we'll meet again in another lifetime. We'll be friends then."

THEY'RE SOULMATES YOUR HONOR

"this is my final goodbye." WITH CLOUDLESS STARTING IN THE BACKGROUND???? NOOOOOO

"Bye Ruby...I was glad to be given a partner like you. I just wish I could be given a second chance."

She puts away the compass by the poppy but keeps the clock...

She forgot to turn the stove off

It's over...

Yeah. Calling this a bittersweet ending makes sense.

I'm not going to be normal about this I'm going to continue being so abnormal about this.

I'm dead. I'm dead and gone.

This is so good...

EVERYBODY GO SUBSCRIBE TO VINTAGE APPLESAUCE. THIS IS NOT A REQUEST. DO IT.

Aughhhhhhh

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Alright, I read The Vampire Lestat all in one go in 8 hours a few hours ago, I spent the whole day at the library just reading it (i brought food w/ me dw) and then I came home, tired ass balls legs hurting from sitting and stimming for that entire time and I immediately went to bed even though I had so many thoughts that I wanted to write about, and now its midnight and I cant sleep and Ive realized that my sleep schedule is just fucked now, so yeah its The Vampire Lestat Thoughts Time now

I wanted to start this post off by talking about the post I made immediately after reading Interview with the Vampire, which was a very short one where I think I basically just called Lestat a very pathetic abuser and I meant that in a very specific nunaced way but I dont think i did a good job conveying that. Anyway, the only person who ever interacted with it was a blog that was called smth like lestats-left-eye and they interacted with it like 8 minutes after I posted it and the reason I remember it so clearly is that I thought that was really menacing. Like, imagine you make a post calling some character a piece of shit and then within minutes you get a notification thats like "characters-no1-fan replied to your post". But they didnt say anything mean, they were basically just like "you need to read the vampire lestat STAT" presumably because they thought it would make me think differently about him but honestly all it did was make me more convinced of his patheticness, less so of his 'abuserness', for lack of a better term, but I think thats mainly because the Thing that would make me call him an abuser was his relationship with Louis and he didnt talk about that very much, and all his other relationships were just like, weird. so. At this point i feel like I should clarify that wben I call him that Im not doing that to moralize or to be judgemental of people who like him, I like him, i just feel like thats an accurate way of describing him and the particular way in which he was manipulative and demanded love

Anyway, the first thing that made him really pathetic in my eyes was the way he 'debunked' Louis' claims at the start of the Interview with a Vampire section because, idek how to describe it, but theres just something so annoying about it. Hes like "I mean, I suppose its true from his point of view, but i actually didnt indescriminately murder random people, I only killed the bad ones, and he also completely neglects to mention our romantic walks and our cute little shakespeare-reenactments for Claudia, and also he says Im stupid and dont know anything but I was actually just keeping the knowledge of our power from him because he seemed so burdened by what little he already had :(" like come on man. And obviously I understand that the power-thing in particular was a retcon because the first book was a standalone, but these books are really well-written and they dont break my immersion so I dont really feel the need to do like, extensive doylist-analysis, yknow what I mean

Like, Ive been reading the ACOTAR series by Sarah J Maas and Ive been critiquing and complaining about those books on a sideblog and authorial intent comes up a lot because theyre clearly trying to say one thing, convey one particular message in an honestly very annoyingly moralizing way, but what the characters actually do and say blatantly contradict it, and for all that the series' fans talk about all the characters being morally gray, theres a very obvious refusal to have them be anything other than paragons of goodness by both the texg and those same fans. And those are not issues I have with the Vampire Chronicles so far, so when i say that I find that Interview with the Vampire section annoying, Im not criticizing the writing, Im saying that Lestat seems like the most frustrating genre of person. I mean, I do have some criticisms of the writing, specifically of the story, but I'll get to that later

For now I wanted to elaborate a little on why I found Lestat so annoying, and its the fact that he spent this whole book talking big game about being evil and revolutionizing the evil-game but then at the end he seemed so unwilling to just let the general public actually think of him as such, even though most humans considered it fiction, like he had to soften the blow at the end. And I do think its him just wanting to soften blow as opposed to him actually wanting to set the record straight because he cares that much about the truth or whatever, because I think if he actually cared about that, he wouldve been a bit more specific instesd of just being like "yeah, Louis said a bunch of things that are wrong about me, but I can forgive him because I suppose they were right from his perspective, even though they arent really" like dude.

It really feels like hes just using this evil-shtick as a crutch and as some kind of self-justification for being unlovable. Like, if hes evil and no one loves him thats fine because evil has no need for love, but if hes evil and someone does love him thats even better because then its a deep romance capable of withstanding anything, yknow what Im saying? But then he talked about the fact that demons in hell and vampires are capable of love and he talks a lot about his own capacity to love, so idk. I definitely feel like he feels a measure of resentment at the fact that Magnus, who was this horrifying stranger that immediately abandoned him, was able to inspire this great love in Lestat but his pretty self wasnt able to do the same with the fledgelings that he turned who were people that he knew and loved in life and/or that he spent decades of his undead existence with

Granted, maybe unlovable isnt the most accurate term to use here bc I dont think that exactly is what matters to him, but I cant think of a better one rn. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe its less about him wanting to convince the general public that he wasnt the pretty pathetic and despicable person Louis described him as, and more about him wanting to convince himself that Louis doesnt actually think of him that way. Or maybe 'cant' is a better word to use here instead of 'doesnt' because the way he says that Louis left out the less dysfunctional parts of their relationship kind of makes me think that Lestat thinks those parts being present makes his feelings and his view of these things unjustified, and I feel like theres a bit of an accusation there that hes purposefully trying to slander him, but the thing is, Louis has way less of an incentive to lie about Lestat than Lestat does to lie about Louis. Like Louis just kinda randomly agreed to do this interview from some guy decades after they last saw each other and then it got published. Even if you said that Louis was somehow masterminding the interview-guy, I just couldnt believe it because I dont see a reason as to why he would do all this and I dont think hes the kind of guy who just does shit for no reason. I also dont think hes nearly as spiteful as Lestat to do this. Also the idea that he would try to slander like this is stupid because who would care about this. Like, humans just see it as fiction and vampires are mad about him giving out the names and locations of vampires but I dont think they actually care about this niche insane relationship drama. And frankly, I feel like Lestat is just way more deluded. Like he calls Louis and Nikolas cynics but Im just like, no, I think those guys are realists and youre prone to delusions of grandeur. but then Im a pretty cynical person myself, so I would say that, wouldnt I

That actually leads really nicely to the second thing that makes me find him really pathetic, and its basically just the entirety of the last three or four chapters. Or, I guess I wouldve called them pathetic if it didnt look like they were at least kind of true ?

Okay so, while I was reading those last few chapters I was basically thinking to myself "okay, Lestat is obviously just making all of this up, I predict that the next book is gonna have a bit where Louis is like 'yeah, I read that autobiography of his and I guess i cant confirm or deny most of it bc he never fucking told me anything, but he just completely made that last bit up, I never went to come find him, and infact, now that hes done this ive decided that Im only communicating with him via passive aggresive autobiographies in which we continously debunk each others claims about our relationship'" because its just. come on, did those chapters not feel like a self-indulgent daydream? Like, "i was looking out the window the day before my big concert when my ex-boyfriend that I still love showed up and I went outside to see him and he was looking really bad in his jeans and sweatshirt but its fine bc i love him, and he hugged and kissed me just like he used to, like a lover <3, and he was sooooooo concerned for my safety and he asked me to just stay with him forever but this time I was the one to reject him, but then I still managed to convince him to go to my concert with me and we kissed before the show started and he was in the audience cheering me on after that, and it was the best concert anyone has ever seen and I felt so awesome standing on that stage, and then once it was over we were attacked by some of my vampiric h8ers but it was all good because my mom appeared out of nowhere to save us and she was wearing modern clothes obviously but otherwise she was exactly the same as when she abandoned me 200 years ago" hey buddy, i thought you were writing an autobiography not fanfiction about how you wish the people you love would stop abandoning you

Louis' behaviour for this whole section is the main thing that ticks me off because I felt that he was just so out-of-character. And obviously the characters that feature prominently in both books are quite different in both of them, but they are still recognizable as themselves which was not the case with Louis imo. And granted, there is a pretty significant gap between me reading the first book and me reading this one so my memory is a little foggy about everything that happened in it, but Louis was just way too outwardly-lovey-dovey for someone who, when talking about their relationship to an unrelated third party 11 years ago, decades after they last saw each other, at best seemed to look back on all that with complicated resentment. Like I just dont buy it at all.

But again, I was reading all that with the assumption that this would (at least partially) turn our to be made-up, and yknow, it still might I guess, hope is the thing that dies last and all, but Im a lot less convinced of that because of the stuff with Akasha

And now its finally time to talk about my criticisms regarding the story and theyre all linked to Akasha and her cringefail husband and honestly Marius too. Im curious if this is a hot take or if this stuff is something that a lot of people dont like. Like, if youre immersed in the book fandom please tell me if this is a thing where you read that I have some criticisms of the story and you immediately knew it was gonna be this, or if youre surprised because the majority of people find the lore very interesting. But when youre telling me, please do so without spoiling me, Ive come this far knowing a very minimal amount about these books and I would very much like to keep it that way and finish all of these books until I start to fully engage with the fandom but I am very curious. Also, I am open to discuss all of this if any of you would like that, just please respect that fact that I dont know anything that happens in later books and that I would like to keep it that way

But anyway. Full disclosure, I already didnt like Marius when Lestat met him in person, I thought he was interesting as a component of Armand's backstory but I really didnt want him to still be alive and I didnt want Lestat to find him and speak to him and then he not only did both of those things, but he was like super buddy-buddy with him in a way that bothered me. And as if all of that wasnt enough, he goes on this lore dump that lasts like 9 chapters that is so fucking boring I dont even have the words to adequately describe just how bored and tired I was reading it. And the things that were revealed in this loredump were just weird and baffling in a distinctly bad way, and I feel like usually when you get stupid worldbuilding in books that are trying to Say Something its to enhance the themes of the plot, but I cant possibly imagine how any of this stuff with Akasha and her cringefail husband and the demons who possessed them does that

Like, the main thing that I find compelling about Anne Rice's vampires is their humanity and the fact that their moral and existential dilemmas are fundamentally the same as the ones that humans face because theyre essentially just more durable humans, and while this origin story doesnt change anything about that on a deeper level, it still really bothers me. Because humans dont have this clean epic symbolic origin story where we all came from two people that can easily be named, we just kinda evolved into existence for no grand, religious, immediately-obvious reason, but we ponder our own collective existence anyway, just like these vampires. Hell, plenty of us even think lf ourselves as monsters of destruction who shouldnt exist for the way we hurt our environment and other creatures. And like, Im not saying that they should be talking about evolution in the 1700s or that I explicitly want it said that vampires evolved alongside humans because that would just be stupid in a new way, but idk. I guess what Im trying to say is that I really didnt need an explanation for how these vampires came into existence because I was engaged enough with their philosophical discussions and fucked up relationship dynamics that it didnt even cross my mind to ask any questions about their collective origin.

And just on a basic level, none of this ancient vampire history-bullshit satisfied me in any way. Also, the whole descriptions of everything in ancient egypt and whatever-that-keltoi-place-was-called just felt kinda off, like they were lacking the authenticity of all the other descriptions, and its not because we didnt spend a whole novel exploring those places because we only got a very brief snipped of Armand's backstory and that part wasnt lacking at all. I was initially ready to chalk this up to a classic combination of orientalism and racism, but honestly, given that the parts about the super-pale blonde people werent that much better in this regard, I think its mostly a case of us just not knowing a lot about these ancient peoples. Like, I dont know a lot about 1700s France or 1800s America but when I read about those places in these books I do get the impression that Anne Rice knows a lot about those places or that she did a lot of a research on them, whereas with ancient egypt and the keltoi-place Im just kinda like "well, this is obviously just a bunch of madeup bullshit innit". And it really frustrates me that I cant really tell if its meant to be made-up bullshit in-universe or if its meant to be true, but I guess Im gonna have to get used to that feeling if I wanna keep having a fun time reading The Unreliable Narrator Chronicles books

Regardless of the actual bullshit-status of Marius' stories though, I was quite surprised and very disappointed that Lestat seemed to just believe it with no issues. Like, 1984!Lestat didnt add any commentary to Marius claims, he just repeated them verbatim bc why not, and 1700s!Lestat didnt have any questions or doubts that I can remember. And like, even if it is true, why was he just okay with that being the truth, I feel like he should at the very least be a little angry at the revelation that theres these oldass vampires who have to stay alive or else all the other vampires will die. Again, to kindof tie this back to my previous point, humans arent like that, we dont have some kind of anker-point that needs to stick around or else we'll all die, so this doesnt feel like its adding anything to the existentialist themes of the series. Its also logistically kinda stupid because we're told all of vampire kind is tied to both of them but like, how does that work? What if you only killed one of them) Are all the female vampires tied to Akasha and all the male ones to her cringefail husband, or are all the vampires that Akasha bit connected to her and then all the vampires that were bit by her vampires are connected to her through their makers as well and so on and so on? Iirc we're told that if you killed one of them, you would kill the other or they would just kill themself or something so it wouldnt really matter, but like, if you could just kill one of them without the other one ending up dead, what would happen?

And like, theres things about these vampires that dont really make any sense, like the fact that their fingernails look like glass or even bigger things like the fact that drinking dead blood is very harmful but drinking blood from other undead people has a healing effect, but those things dont put a huge damper on the series' themes so far so I dont care about them

But anyway, the thing that bothers me the most about all this is that Lestat didnt see or acknowledge the obvious similarities between what Marius was telling him and what Armand's coven used to believe. Like, what's the difference, really, between "vampires were created by the devil and are servants of the devil (aka demons)" and "vampirism was created by a demon and then given to two humans who them created other vampires"? I guess its the fact that Marius doesnt let his belief prevent him from enjoying life, but then it doesnt really feel like Lestat needed to talk to this guy, or like hes actually as open-minded as Marius said he was. Like, Marius basically told him "unlike most people, youre genuinely open-minded because youre listening to what I have to say about how to gain meaning in life" and Lestat, who basically already believed the same things as Marius when it came to that before they ever even met, said "yes i totally agree"

On a similar note, how fucking convinient that Lestat had this weird improbable idea about Osiris being a vampire god and then it basically turned out to be true. Like not literally, but the two people whose story directly inspired Osiris and Isis were both vampires and theyre like, the first vampires. what are the odds of that

Also Im pretty sure Marius said something along the lines "most people dont like what I tell them about the origin of vampires because they want a clean creation myth and thats not what happened" before he started talking about it, but then it was just a clean creation myth ? Like, in a previous paragraph I said that humans dont have an origin where everyone is descendet from two people, and as I was writing that I noticed that the story about Anasha and her cringeful husband is remarkably similar to that of Adam and Eve. or maybe not remarkably similar, but similar enough that I feel like Im not reaching when I say that

And of course this is a story with characters that are unreliable narrators on purpose so all of this might be 100% intentional and might pay off somehow at some point, but Im not really gonna know until I read the next one I guess and Im gonna have a hard time motivating myself to do that when the ending of this one was so bad (to me!!).

Idk, basically what Im hoping for right now is that this series will comtinue to deconstruct and retcon itself, both because that keeps me on my toes in a way thats fun (especially because Im going in completely blind) and because godddddd I really dont want to deal with any of the stuff involving Anasha, i think its all so stupid. I really hope that in the next book it turns out that atleast the stuff about all vampires' lives being tied to hers turns out not to be true and thats shes just gonna be a strong old vampire whos special because of her super strong psychic powers and because her blood makes other vampires strong (which is another concept I really dont jive with, the stuff with older vampires being strong and making strong vampires, but I dont really have much to say about it beyond that, so I'll just leave it at this). But honestly, Im really just hoping that in order to not disappoint myself too mucj, in my truest heart of hearts Im actually hoping that Lestat just decided to dip his toes into fiction writing 97% into his autobiography and then that Queen of Darkness is gonna be an in-uinverse fiction book written by Lestat de Lioncourt

But again, I probably wont feel like finding out for a little while, and as I think about it Im noticing that its mostly because Im not looking forward to having the same borderline-spiritual experience that I had with The Vampire Lestat, where I entered this monk-like state of mind and then walked through the city to the busstation feeling like I wasnt occupying the same reality as everyone else around me, with this book that I have a suspicion that I will not like it. And before you ask, yes, I know that I would have the same experience because it had basically nothing to do with the plot or themes of The Vampire Lestat, its just that my legs were hurting because I had been sitting on a wood chair with no pillow and continuously rocking back and forth because thats how I stim when Im sitting, and also my brain felt fried from how I forced myself to focus and read this book whose language is pretty challenging for a non-native speaker for 8 hours straight

Anyway, this ended up being way longer than anticipated but Im glad. Believe it or not, even though most of this post was just me complaining about one thing or another, I did like this book and I like that it made me think all this and that it made me feel passionate enough to write it all down, even though I do genuinely dislike the ending and am not really looking forward to reading the next one. But I definitely will do it at some point, so dont take this as a sign to tell me what happens in it, I maintain that I do not want to be spoiled. If one of my hopes ends up coming true and you want to encourage me to read it that way for some reason, please only do so in the vagues possible terms. like literally just tell me "ayyyyyy youre right 👍" without eleborating. And if you want to be evil, you can tell me that even though my predictions arent true and make my disappointment even more crushing that way ^^

Alright, thats it, I hope you enjoyed this. Also, I did end up managing to go to bed an hour after I originally started writing this, and then I ended up waking up again at like 4am and wrote some more and then I took a nap and wrote some more and then I took another nap, and it just kinda kept going like this and now its 3.30 pm so. you better appreciate that even if you think my takes are bad

[songofthemist1]

PRESENTING... PECHABOY ! ! (im taking name suggestions 🥲)

this is an evo for pecharunt for the kieranrunt au :DD Him a bit more "grown" i guess thats how i'd describe it ?

i was inspired by @sheepydrawings Pecharonin's design a bit (hope you dont mind the tag)

Also realized i never said this but he subconsciously knows that he was supposed to be destined for something.. better. He feels that the poison isnt natural but theres really nothing he can do about it, so he doesnt bother changing his ways.

He also is deathly terrified of the XY legendary duo. he isnt fully aware of the reason why

And-

Perhaps a small glimpse into what could have been?

(note: i quickly sketched the "pure" design first to conceptualize him better lol)

[creature-wizard]

(Please answer privately if you can) tw pet death

So i know you are very good at debunking unhealthy ideologies of the supernatural, and i need some reassurance.

Many years ago, when i first started practicing witchcraft, i did a spell on holloween where i burned a poppet in a fire. The poppet was meant to represent getting rid of bad things to make room for new, better things. I focused on hoping trump would get what he deserved, and other large things.

A day later my cat passed away, she was six months old, and seemed to have had a heart attack.

I was terrified it was my fault somehow, or that my spell backfired. And every year im reminded of that fear.

I try to tell myself there is no way i could accidentally kill something with magic, but hearing it from someone else would help a ton. If thats okay. Thanks

(Anon sent in a second message) Hey im the person who asked you to answer privately, but realized you cant to that on anon. If you could answer on this ask thatd be great.

------

So, looking at this from the angle of how witchcraft is supposed to work, it doesn't sound like your spell was constructed in a way that it should have hit your cat by mistake or misfire. Assuming witchcraft can perform feats such as this (and to be clear, there is no solid evidence that it can), it just doesn't sound like your spell had the right construction for it.

Secondly, lots of people have used baneful magic on Trump, and we don't see overwhelming numbers of people reporting bad things happening to those close to them or anything like that.

I have my own anecdote to share; a long time ago, I lost a cat after fooling around with something "magical." I'd seen this symbol described in a book; supposedly it was an evil symbol or something, and for reasons that I do not remember at this point (probably had a lot to do with being a bored kid, though), I drew the symbol on a piece of paper. It wasn't very long after that the cat met with an untimely end, and I thought that maybe, somehow, drawing the symbol had something to do with it. Said symbol was nothing more than a circle with a cross in it - IE; the astrological symbol of Earth. There was never anything malefic about this symbol at all, it was just a really unfortunate coincidence.

I hope this gives you the reassurance you were looking for, anon.

[bisquuet]

hi! still alive! AN UPDATE: LONG READ :D no new devlin content since im focusing on my oc comic :( ( speaking of comics. remember that other comic i posted here like once and never talked about it again?? yeah.. ) - lets talk about that. will i ever go back to that comic? -yes, when? i don't know.. i realized i went into the comic very.. unprepared.. or less prepared than i thought i was. so it got me second guessing things and getting confused..!! i have a VAGUE idea of how I want it to go, or atleast i DID, now im not so sure.. I think i need to sit down, splurge out my thoughts and ideas and go from there,, now i technically have a WHOLE post that is done that was supposed to be dropped shortly after the first one. but i thought to myself, oh ill just work on the next update and once im halfway THEN ill drop the second one! i never got halfway. i ended up just sketching more up ahead and adjusting and ''fixing'' things in the second update. making me loose track of time and getting behind, not only i had school to deal with too! so i just have a LOT of storyboarding of pages...that im slighlty afraid of looking at cuz i know that ill want to fix it but ill be unmotivated to actually fix it.. (bad rawr!!) eventually i have to get to it..!! >< ANOTHER major factor of the delay was my confidence, i wasn't satisifed and even frustrated at times when something didnt come out as good as it did in my head. i REALLY like the first update pages! especially devlins scene! but i think i got too ahead of myself and put WAY too much onto my plate, raising expections, of others and myself, mostly myself.... and I was trying to copy to a manga style, rather than convert my style normally into a manga setting, if that makes any sense. so i wasnt.... 'comfortable' drawing.. i dont know how else to describe it! but ever since then and even before, ive been getting less confident with my art and my style, feeling like its ugly or its getting worse. forcing myself to keep drawing, straining myself trying to make something that looks good to me. i have lots of fun and joy drawing for others, the reason i draw is BECUZ i just want to share what i make! as shallow as it sounds i like creating content for others to enjoy! it makes me happy and proud of what i draw! so. when i make something i dont like, i cant bring myself to show it cuz I dont like it.. others may, but that wouldnt change how i would feel about it. i felt that way deeply with the second update, which is why i kept tweaking it,,, and so I just let myself get caught up with other things.. feeling upset and guilty that I kinda just.. abandonded the comic..! saying that ill pracitce and oh ill do that , i Need to do this and this and this when i havent even done ANYTHING! i think, and i genuinely mean this, i think ive only recently started to ACTUALLY do things.! like development for my OC comic, writing for it, making content and sharing about them to whoever would lend an ear! so in a way the seewar comic walked so that my OC comic could run, hopefully.. so, unfortunately ill be focsuing more of my attention on my OC comic, and i honestly can't promise anything. the only thing i CAN say is that i will share the second update that i finished long ago.., no matter how much internal rawr doesnt want to, i feel like thats the first step to overcoming this fear and dread ive associate with the comic, which is something i DONT want. ill be scheudling to drop this weekend since ill be away.. i dont know when ill actively start working on the seewar comic again becuz i genuinely want to finish it and share it, i just have to not be too ambitious and plan out whats necessary. anyways.. now that school is out im finally paying all of my debts and owed art.. its rough but it has to be done. thanks if you have read all of this,, i greatly appreacite the support, from friends and followers, fossils, (thats what my fans are called wink wink) love yall fr <3

[smilepilled]

Answering prompts from the @radiomogai experiences event (link) ♥︎

[Plain Text: Answering prompts from the @radiomogai experiences event (link) ♥︎ /End of Plain Text]

【 O3 】 — Talk about either your favourite identity term of yours, or a random one that applies to you! Why is it a part of your identity, how does it apply to you?

i don't think i could ever possibly choose a single favorite, or otherwise miss the opportunity to talk about important aspects of my life and how a label has helped me, so i will cite a couple. i hope its no issue..! they're gonna be in a somewhat chronological order ^,.,^ hopefully it makes sense?

NIJUXERA — the combination of "juxera" (link) and "nixera" (link); nijuxera (link) is one of the many labels that posed as hefty progress unlockersin my journey of self understanding.

nixera was the one i found first, and it perfectly described my experience with feminity/womanhood, and the lack of it. id always have to say "im a girl, but im not a girl, but im still a girl, but also not at all, but also yeah the shoe fits, only on sundays, but once every seven blue moons" -- now i can just say im nixera, and its WAY easier for my internal cataloguing of myself.

i discovered juxera not long after nixera, and i suppose these were the terms that got me into MOGAI identities. juxera easily described my experience with feminity/girlness, in the sense that it was so detached from the average lass' experience with being a gal. it hasn't a good connection (similarly to wifi when a storm approaches) to womanhood/girlhood in usual ways, and its so far away, like a exoplanet light years far from our earth. and that sentiment was perfectly captured by this label, i believe.

(i would also say i also identify with pronixvir (link), but thats assimilation ever since i discovered im ambi-binary/binary-bigender. it wasnt as big as a label attachment)

FUTCH — unironically speaking, this label saved my gender. for the longest time of my life i had sensations and experiences that i knew not how to label, describe, or perceive; ive felt like a vridge between two extremes from the early years of my life, being tossed between "boy" and "girl", "masculine" and "feminine", "big" and "small", "this" and "that". i had one of my feet in both extremes, always, and i still do.

this label greatly helped me realize that i did not have to just pick one, i did not have to constantly be one, i did not have to force myself into a spot i didn't want to be in all the time (albeit wanting it sometimes). it helped me realize i wasn't just a girl, i was a dude too, despite my gender being a mere mirage-- and that genuinely helped me understand myself, and accept myself, and love myself.

SAPPHILLEAN && GAYBIAN — beware of the pipeline! i started identifying as pansexual, then bisexual, then sapphillean (link) — this one namely throughout my time as a "exclus"/covert inclus, and began feeling more and more comfortable with gaybian. this has been a label ive been fascinated with for the longest time, and from the start something about it spoke to me, even if i couldnt quite tell what exactly was the deal. i am still bisexual and omnisexual, those labels are kept close to my heart, but i also am gaybian, velaurian (link) and jaustenian (link)!

i am gay for men, and lesbian for women. i am also a gay girlypop and a lesbian dudebro -- and if the gender nonconformity/perceival allows it, i am lesbian for dudes and veldian (gay) for lasses. i am all of the above and something else (diamoric [link], enbian [link]) when it comes to nonbinary folks, and im also double-hetero sometimes when the stars align for such.

my orientation has inherent ties to queerness and genderfuckage/gender nonconformity, so it should be no surprise its confusing and caught in multiple crossfires. and ive come to love it all the same as ive come to love other things about myself; embracing it as it is, instead of making myself easy in the meet of prying eyes at the expense of my authentic existing self.

its a two-in-one package, but its not just two. when you open the box, ripping theough the "DO NOT SEPARATE" warnings, you realize its so much more than just two. the one isn't even one, either! its a complicated maze where sometimes im the pathetic little guy, or the femme fatale, or the aroace voyeur watching myself fall in love

additionally; its all for my beloved wife, of course -- there could be no other. they don't do labels, and his mannerisms + appearance[s] make me crash out in ways that i can't even begin to be called slurs for. her mystery and multiple ways of being have stolen my heart, and this machine of flesh and bone cannot have me tweak any harder than i already do for it.

i am not normal about my partner. they're gnc. he has no gender. she's transgenders. pronouns? never met 'em. he's transfem. they're full of gender. she's transmasc. he's a femme fatale. she's a cowboy from brokeback mountain. they're nothing, and everything, both at once. all of this makes my attraction fucking explode and rise from the ashes and explode and rise fr-- you get the sentiment.

FAGDYKE + TRANNY — this one will be short and sweet; reclaimal, defiance, love. i am a dyke in fancy boots and ouji fashion, im a faggot with casual and eccentric attire, im a tranny that you wont clock as anything because i can break your jaw. these slurs, albeit having a obvious connection to queer hatred and villification (if not dehumanization), have found a place in my heart upon seeing them used in reclaimable contexts.

the "cocksuckers for muffdivers" image (link) is one of the many great examples, but so is that one hundred-answer list with the many ways queer people identified and identify as to this day. it genuinely saved me.

INTERSEX — you can argue that this isn't solely a label-- and you're right, its not just a label, it has to do with one's natural body characteristics. but intersex isnt just the new term to replace the outdated, inhumane term of "disorder of sexual development"/"DSD", its also walking toward including other conditions that indirectly affect the big 3 sexual characteristic sections: organs (not just genitals!!!), chromossomes, and hormones.

needless to say; i have hyperandrogenism, caused by PCOS. while PCOS has ties to digestive issues, it also indirectly affects a person's production of testosterone-- too complicated to explain further, so take this as a dumbified explanation. anyways, i grew up experiencing intersexism (and other attached forms of hatred, such as transmisoginy, andro-villification, transvestigating, etc.) — but that's not the point.

finding the meaning and related experiences surrounding this word, this label, and this community of people who grew up with experiences like mine (or worse, since i did not experience medical abuse) gave me a sense of hope. i always felt bodily broken, like a body that didnt come out right, but the intersex community made me see so much about myself that i didnt appreciate out of internalized dichotomies and binaries.

the intersex label && community helped me find myself in ways i cant even explain to you as they are to me. i feel proud to be a maned lioness, an antlered doe, a girl of which a droplet of their own blood would save diabetics and transmascs alike (high testosterone and insulin)-- i finally am myself, within my body. i feel full, whole, i feel meant, i feel planned, and that's a feeling i cannot ever describe as anything other than paradisiac.

regardless of how my hormones have calmed down with the help of an IUD (which i decided to get alongside my guardians because of a six-month long period. yes, thats right, six months with no pause), i still love my hairy and macho-y self. when my voice drops deep down as i wake up, when i have to shave my pits two days after shaving (autism preference), or when i rub my legs/arms and feel all the hairs going up and down-- it all comes to me.

maybe in previous lives i alternated between perisex male/female, then intersex somewhere between the two, and so on... its all so familiar, warm, and welcoming. i was, and am, finally all of me. i am all i am.

heavens above, that was a lot. i'd add more labels, but they're more "micro" and i feel like these already sum it up pretty well. anyways, have a good one!

[youremyheaven]

Haha ashwaghanda is my savior right now. I was really depressed and neurotic about everything and that made me even more depressed because I knew there was something wrong with me and just wanted to be normal. So I really hated myself.

But I’d tried ashwaghanda in the past but really needed something to help me. (Im not able to see a therapist because I don’t have much money) so I bought a different brand and it literally had changed my life. It’s also mixed with St John’s Wart, which is another herb and helps with depression. But it does interfere with medications so be careful if you take it.

I was afraid to start it because everyone says it can make you numb but it really didn’t for me. I feel more stable and more at peace I guess. Also you’re supposed to cycle it every 3 months or something. Lmao how I first noticed it was working was I noticed my handwriting got suddenly so much neater lol. Like in the past it was messy and illegible, so I was like hold up… why can I actually read what I’m writing. I think it was a reflection of my mental state. I actually understand myself now and in the past few months have genuinely started loving myself. It didn’t make my anxiety go away but I guess I’m able to realize that I can handle it now. So yeah haha my experience is pretty great so far!

thats amazing!!! when i first tried ashwagandha when i was 19-20, i had a really good time, i slept like a baby, i felt calm and generally more at ease etc

but i tried ash again last year and oh boy 😭😭😭

it made me suuuuper foggy and lethargic, i couldnt even stand up to get out of my bed sometimes bc it made me super out of energy,,

a common side effect of ash is anhedonia, which is described as the inability to feel pleasure and a lack of interest in life. i felt that,, its so interesting to me that you mentioned handwriting and how yours got neater because my journal entries from the time are soooo illegible, messy and looks like the textbook definition of someone whose cognitive capacities were impaired 💀💀🤐 it made me anxious asf, my heartbeat would be racing for no reason 💀💀my brain was sooo cloudy, id sit down on my bed and then 5 hours would pass by just like that and i wouldnt even know it 💀💀i felt very woozy, like my room was floating or smthng 😭

i was severely dissociated and extremely fatigued but i will admit that i did take too much of it 💀💀and i didnt cycle it 😭😭

i think different people react differently and its also impacted by our underlying state of mind and general condition i guess.

i did have a good experience with ash the first time around which is why i took it again last year, only to turn into a zombie cause of it lmao ,, it took me months to recover from it 😭😭

im really glad you had a positive experience bestie <333 its wonderful that ash did all that for you!! when it works, its truly incredible!!

to anybody thinking of taking herbal supplements, PLEASE exercise caution, take it in small quantities, do your research on its impact on any specific conditions you have etc

[violettressedd]

yesss random philosophical/deep convos are the BESTTT

is that so baby? im gonna have to fight to make u listen, hm?

i see ur 5'4'', which makes things easier for me bc im 5'7''. and id like to see u trying to be all bratty and defiant when ur pinned down unable to move. or maybe all tied up? i saw that post, darling. and with red lace too, u have good taste. having u all tied up while i tease u until u lose ur pride and beg. im quite patient, i dont mind how long it takes.

(thanks for letting me know! and ditto i adore petnames except for sweetie or like animal ones lol)

(LMAO yes we contain multitudes also ngl good convos make me a little horny lol. smart women ughhhhhhh. so fucking hot)

yesss its like the ouroboros. the circle. death and rebirth. sun and moon. light and darkness. cycles and cycles repeating over and over. we are what comes before us. all this has happened before and it will all happen again. the love. and the grief and the anger and the wistfulness and the pain and the nostalgia. all of it over and over and over again. god it just makes me so. i dont even know how to describe the feeling lol.

yesss ive loved mythology (esp greek/roman and irish and egyptian) since i was literally in elementary school reading books on the gods and goddesses. its soo fascinating. and folk talesss omg i love folk and fairy tales. something made them last for centuries and they reach something in us. what makes the story of cinderella have literally HUNDREDS of different versions in all sorts of media? what does it teach us and show us, what does it tell us about our world and our thinking and our views, what does it bring out in us that makes us love it so much? it just absolutely fascinates me.

and yes omg the amount of worldviews created just by religions is incredible! all our worldviews are defined by either religion or the lack thereof. what is it about humanity that makes us long for something else beyond ourselves so much? we dont see religions in animals (as far as i know). what makes us like this?

yesss the mind is SO fricking COOL!! 'the brain is the only know organ that can ponder itself'. that quote trips me up everytime lol. cause like wowww its just amazing!

and yes omg the way the brain reacts to stimuli and how it grows based on surroundings, like the importance of color in a childs development! just incredible! so so interesting

reallyyyy thats so neat! what big differences/similarities have u found so far?

yess i love those elegant tattoos ikwym. ooh i *think* ik what u mean but maybe show a picture?

okay now thats cool so basically giving them drugs to induce realizations/unlock things? thats sickkk. have u seen that one post about people who did some sort of drug and then realized like people deserve food and stuff without having to earn it? im explaining it so badly omg 😭😭

YES ITS SO COOL i saw this video of an old ballerina with some sort of memory loss and they played music she danced too years and yearssss ago and she started doing the hand motions 🥺. it was so so cool music is SO powerful like i firmly believe that we need more music in our lives. LIVE music not just recordings. and we need to produce our own music too, learn instruments, sing.

it isss its so so tiring but its so fun i love my babies so much they are just the sweetest. and omg theyre so funny 🤣🤣 ive got so many stories. i love watching them grow and seeing how their little brains work is fascinatingggg like they say things i never wouldve thought of.

its now almost 4 pm and im supposed to be working on painting my walls lol so see ya!

also thanks for answering these stupidly long asks i havent had such a good convo in AGES ur an amazing conversationalist and so smart! not even gonna lie im a little in love with u now lmao

🍒

YES i live for them <33 if im not horny posting i'm probably yapping about history or philosophy or neuroscience hahsh

oh?? gonna overpower me? take me by the wrists and hold me down while i shift under your weight? put me on the ground while you tie my arms behind my back? i'm strong baby, you'll have to tie that lace so tight it digs into my skin. only then will you be able to have your way.

hmm maybe you do stand a chance, but who knows, you'll just have to follow through and then we'll see what you're capable of. maybe you're just all bark and no bite.

(same!! any animal ones like puppy or bunny make me uncomfortable lol)

(oh goddd smart women yes yes i'm drooling over them)

you explained it exactly how i process it in my mind omg. it's that realization that really grounds history, making it tangible and understandable. and something that stuck with me that i heard once about how to describe that feeling, the recognition of life's profoundness, its so beautiful it almost hurts. it digs into your mind and causes what i can only describe as some kind of longing. i'm not sure if that makes any sense.

YEAH mythology obsession started with percy jackson i'm ngl, then i started reading everything i could about greek myths and eventually roman and nordic ones (oh my god nordic mythology tbh may be my favorite) i've been meaning to get into egyptian and other african mythologies but i've never considered irish mythology and i may need to start looking into that. AND YES i've thought about that specifically so many times, how there are so many parallels between mythologies and stories told globally, no matter how isolated they are from each other. it really indicates human tendency to explain morality, nature, ethics, etc. through metaphor and the instincts that are still ingrained in us.

i love that question so much you have no idea. why do we have such a strong tendency to that which is beyond us?? why are we drawn to the divine? there are so many philosophical conversation so could get into for this but that would actually take hours so i'll spare you lol

yes yes yes my favorite is the "saying your brain is like saying my me, it doesn't make sense, you are your brain" and that opens so much about consciousness and its connection to/derivation from the brain ughh i love it so much.

children's brains are actually so adaptive it's insane, it's why they're so impressionable. they're brains are constantly creating new pathways and reforming new structures to manage all the stimuli processing

well mainly within neuroplasticity, the older you are the less you're able to adapt and reform old functions, so adolescents have much much much more neural flexibility in comparison to someone in their 80s !!

man i wish i could transmit a mental image on here because i dont really have any pictures that would do what i'm thinking of justice lmao

yeah essentially that's what's going on!! psilocybin is insanely impactful on your mental state no matter the context it's taken in, so honing that and using it for therapy is so cool imo. i haven't seen that video but i think it sounds familiar?? sounds like something that would happen to someone on mushrooms though haha since it basically drops the barriers on your sense of self and reconnects you to the world

I SAW THAT VIDEO TOO OMG IT WAS SO COOL the impact music has is actually insane in almost every context. and i 100% agree, real in person music needs to be brought back not only for ambiance but also for the experience of it. bring back jazz bar popularity tbh

oh my god that's so adorable and oh yeah on the saying things you'd never thought you'd hear from them. the lack of filter is so entertaining. idk if i already asked but how long have you been working with them?? i can tell you how much you adore them awww <333

you should totally dm me baby!! i love the long asks too though so don't apologize for that bc it's so fun <3

[austinsastrology8991]

> Issues I have with you/occult / world < *long post* do not read if you don't want to waste your time < a subjective analysis of Astrology, numerology, manifestation, and a subtle exposé of my life

I got issues... but more importantly i got issues with you. I do a lot of research n i hate being told what to do/ and the occult gotta habit of telling me who tf i am.

and Im better at telling myself who tf I am.

THIs is who i am. <^> stop googly eyin me; foo

This is a fkn mess of a post > try your best to read; it was meant to be a story but im incapable > I just want you to have headache (me after reading this shit 20 times or whatever it is) i;m tired. now go away. or read. or die in a hole. all the same to me. astrology is a subjective subject. IDGAF how many books youve read or how many people you speak too; we are literally looking at a planet in space and are saying shit liek " oh im dat type of pretty (venus), im dominant over here (mars), and thats why my life sux (saturn) " meanwhile, the planet still just rotating and we like acting like we apart of its orbit. Its objectively a subjective subject... > its objective only in your natal chart - where the planets are etc.... but interpretations > subjective Sidenote- Im obsessed with astrology.... because my life sucks. and i need to like feel productive somehow - stfu i know this isnt productive, but tell me what you doing? don't act all jiminy cricket on me, when your soundtrack is that of a cricket beginning of rant Also: the mythology and practise of intepretating planets and asteroids, and well the complicated drama that is greek/roman mythology. while there is plenty of overlap, the sheer concept of 2 different intepretations created upon from, 2 seperate cultures, creates different texts and slight differences inherent within each story. this initself creates a subjective intepretation of aforementioned stories > not to mention other cultures who likely put their own narrative of these mythos > it allows us to also intepret it in our own way > it is all just imagination at the end of the day. Whilst the themes are uncannily similar, the form is always different, and thats why I like to intepret it in my own way, and i recommend you do tooo (Alike everything in this subject) ; however we need some clear rules, and guidelines, to make this subject actually palatable, but i fear this community would rather keep it confusing so we can treasure the secrets of the occult on our own. and to that I do understsnd, however, anyone reading tumblr astrology, I believe to already be taking that leap into the occult and should be granted at least some introductory access. and here is (1) problem

Astrology signs are the how, and the houses are the where, > yet you all describe 2nd house a whole lot like tuarus, 10th house lot like capricorn. I mean Ik its similar but yall acting like its different yet your intepretations aint all dat different from each other..... but if the how for you is the where for me, then how tf is it so hard for me to see the differences?… if there is such a startling difference like yall always claim.. to me the themes are so fkn similar whereby > i think its the same > degree, house, sign; same shit diff smell

This however made 4 years ago me, very insecure.:.. 😢I couldn’t figure out the difference and I felt dumb 🤧 but That was 4 years ago - I was noob…. made me realize things like: we got an attitude problem today - we youngins always apologizing, trying to make others comfortable about our bullshit (Anxiety skill issue), yet the old fucks are hella comfortable telling us what to do (authority skill issue), like bro. you dont even know me, and im supposed to bow to you, just so your gonna bread crumb me with some bs self professed 'useful' advice??? if you talked to each other youd realize you all have the same advice... and you too old to keep up with my problems, so stop acting like you know.....

and so like uh, its not bold of me to say that; if your a legit astrologer you know you can just read people. yes everyone has free will, and other explanations to undermine the importance of astrology, but we know whats going on > try me > *sales pitch noise*<

Tumblr astrology is good but not proffesional, just: posts about random asteroids, random observations, random sexytime, and the occasional ‘official’ astrologers bread crumbing us to incentivize us to pay for a reading…. Now I got nothing better to do with my life (nor do you clearly) so we all on here fucking around> but I made da sacrifice > I spent real money

And these 'readings' > dog shit I tell ya > oh don’t worry none of them were from tumblr people. But people in my city and they knew less than what I knew (from reading your tumblr shits)

So it turns out you guys lowkey experts - we done a million random astrology observations - and if your a lurker, you lowkey know more than some pros; and da concept of analyzing people in your life with astrology has made you a *drum roll* > an average astrologer. your not average, if the experts are only 20% better than you (lets say). so with this in mind your not that far off their expertise.. oh you cant measure it? tell me what i dont know < (tell me more) IM HUNGRY, MORE POSTS, MY FEED IS FUCKInG HUNGRY

Now however wasting my money > pissed me off… but its a blessing, becasuse i became >.....> not depressed!!! Finally I got my energy back >>> legs go...

So I learned to read astrology. I just kept reading these websites and interpreting them and well.. I think they overcomplicate a lot of things, and they say it like a report card, when obviously you and I are multiple planets, aspects, houses, degrees, house lords, persona charts, midpoints, asteroids, not to mention composite, synastry, transits solar return , and all da other fkn ones that I cannot be bothered mentioning. Yet there’s a whole fucking essay about one aspect… like bro you couldn’t make a summary? and im supposed to read each of my other aspects? (ofc i did) but like this is just trying to make me spend money (too much reading) and well Im a greedy little fuck so imma drain your resources and not give you a dime >t > SWIPER NO SWIPING <

and i hate watching people trynna act like they know shit yet eat their own words n adjectives like you aint a professional; you just labeled yourself one > wheres your doctorate at bitch? Had enough shitty readings to not trust another 'tarot reader', but its cool the 'psychologists' aint did much better > thank you mother for the birth of my existence but shi dis place a fkn willy wonkin fsctory - and its foul - most places that try to help you that is.... ' you need to be able to receive help' bitch stfu yall underestimsting my problems and overestimating your ability to make me feel better; BITCH I STFG you dont know shiiiiitiittttttttttt > and yall look happy dont you > "dont trust a bartender who dont drink bitch" - KanYe. Numeroloy 'master numbers' > So many sites only use master numbers from 11 > 22 > 33... but wheres the 44? the 55? the 66?????? dont tell me yall didnt realize that every 'master number' still reverts back to each number (9). > 11 =2, 22 = 4, 33=6, 55 = 1, 66 = 3, 77=5..... bro god stsyed outta this mess clearly..... and its always the ones that be inventing new gods that fuck everything too 🤫 furthermore annoyances of numerofuckology - because they reduce the number back down.. .e.g. you have life path 89 > which is simplified to 17 > then to 8.... why not use 89? why we dissin 9 ????? let alone the complete number??? why not intepret both numbers together???? yall just wanna do 1 because your simple with it. and 9 getting left out fr... and yall always celebrating how special 9 is yet he always left out (magic of math - adding 9 - always reverts back to original) honestly - sometiems its so obvious why yall became numerologists sometimes...... Dont even get me started on ANGEL NUMBERS i could neva stfu

i mean yall still trying to test how true it all is, but if you throw a fish at a pisces they gonna go all googly eye on you. tell a scorpio that you intimidated and now your their favourite informant... read their life path number, and you know what they wanna be doing with their life.... i mean it really is a key, and yall locks are looser than you think... watch yo back.. i wouldnt trust someone who can help me (what do they even want), let alone get help from someone who is useless; why would you? dont act like you dont have trust issues, its like our way of relating to each other at this point. your good at sex if you have.... what about the other person? i mean if you masterbate to yoself maybe.... but if a composite chart / synastry have say - chiron eros? pluto saturn? mars dejanira.... how much are you gonna be fucking yourself when you fucked a dirty fucka..... rip virginity - and rip yo self esteem - dangerous game to value your sex appeal as much as you do...... or maybe your living a fantasy on the internet, and that is healthier, but thoughts are manifestations.... oh shit what da fuck have i manifested oh shitttttttttt IM BEING SUCKED IN A VORTEX OF MY OWN SHIT, SOMONE CALL A MANIFESTOR AGHJH AGJJGH please dont be offended, i do like this community; im just a devils advocate... sometimes 👹

you guys put too muhc importance on manifeststion, and i mean if you think its facts, look at what the people around you are manifesting.... OH thats why you isolate so much. so your manifesting loneliness.... oh you try to help people, so your just a trash can for a rubish person.... you see what i mean, manifestation aint so clear cut as you seem to believe. I believe in it, but Im so used to receiving crap, I learned to enjoy eating shit (we all did) and what is "one mans trash is another mans soap" - fight club Oh and Pluto my favourite - every curse a blessing and every blessing a curse.... stop complaining > he gave you the sauce and the only way to show you was to make you cry > lil bitch > pluto profile pic winking at you rn natal > persona > midpoint > composite > synastry > transit > return charts this is the offical order governed by me- so much more imporatnt to understand yourself over what the world got installed / what your partner doing - work on yo insecurities rather than be worried about something you have no control ova

hmmm thats all the issues i have for now.... just look at me as the boy who cried wolf. they aint a wolf here yet; but they gonna be, and im warning yall > why people dont get it...its because there are too many contradictions > but i fully believe, ive had so many spiritual experiences where if i denied them, id be drinking alcohol and pretending i aint a alcoholic. and i do love yall, but sometimes your an eye roll 29th post requires. 29 degree typa energy - YOlo MOfo

[iwanttofuckereh69]

now reading 2ha vol 2

ch 55 - 71

… but the careless thought would fly through his mind and soon be lost, like the drizzle of rain falling into a deep pond.

Mo Ran’s entire existence put into words perfectly

1. now im sad 😭

Ahhh the way Shi Mei’s death is described is gut wrenching. I was so sad reading that. But yeah, at least there are more details to what happened. It seems like Chu Wanning couldn’t do anything to save him that day. Or rather, he had to choose. I feel like if he tried saving Shi Mei, he wouldn’t hold the barrier. So he chose, faithful to his principles. It ties to Chu Xun’s sacrifice that seems to be supposed to show how hard of a decision it must have been both on Chu Xun and Chu Wanning. My guess is Mo Ran either didn’t realize at the time that CWN had to choose one over the other or he couldn’t understand why he would sacrifice his disciple to protect all those people he himself doesn’t care about. 

But damn that description hurt. Mo Ran’s heart was truly aching. And that comparison to a snowflake, equally beautiful and equally unimportant. Ehh

@thegreymoon if this is "moderate and usual amount of suffering" then i dont know if i want to continue!!!!

(jk, i like when it hurts 🙂)

2. Chu Wanning is even more awkward than i was in high school which should be considered an achievement

Tbh I like moments of Mo Ran’s longing for Chu Wanning. And how he reacts when he sees Chu Wanning finally after all this time CWN spend “in seclusion”. Its lovely, but also hes so dumb for not realizing. This whole whatever was going on between them during New Years Eve celebration was just lovely but also so awkward. Chu Wanning deliberately giving him a copper coin dumpling? Absolutely cute. But also so awkward and just 😬 Instead of finding thousands of weird ways to flirt maybe just tell him? Idk its an outrageous idea, but idk give it a try maybe?? And omg that awkward moment when he wanted to invite mo ran to watch fireworks but… yeah. I felt it in my bones. 

3. Breaking news, Mo Ran, despite being 32 yo in 16 yo body mentally somehow ended up being 5

Sometimes it feels to me as if mo ran desired CWN not as a person but as an object. And he is even comparing him to an ugly box that nobody wanted with perfectly fine food inside. An ugly box only he himself dared to open to discover the treasure inside. And he is so childishly jealous when now that box is on display for everyone to look at. Its almost silly. But also yeah, its another time he treats CWN more like a thing he owns. And nobody else should see any worth in that thing, because its only his to consume. There is a fine expression in my native language for a person like that, and funny enough, its also dog related. But I couldn't find any translation that would convey all the nuisance. It’s for a person that won’t let anyone else enjoy a thing even if they themselves have no intention of enjoying that thing either. It reminded me of this quote:

Eventually, like a beast, he had known only one thing: that Chu Wanning was his. Even if he didn’t care for Chu Wanning, he was still his to sunder and to ruin. 

And like… Right now, Mo Ran seems to me like an annoying jealous kid that wants CWN for himself out of pure spite. Because CWN never gave MR attention he thought he was owed or that he deserved. I want to punch him just a bit.

4. Shi Mei is totally Chu Wanning’s wingman

Like he always tries to show Mo Ran that CWN isnt all that bad XD And I won’t believe he didn’t realize after all those completely awkward confessions and random hand holdings that Mo Ran has feelings for him. Like I won’t believe he wouldn’t see right through him especially on that boat. And I think he is smarter than MR and saw that CWN isn’t indifferent to Mo Ran after all. I want to say he would be happy if they’d get together but BASED ON COMMUNITY’S REACTIONS i feel like i will look like a clown lol. But oh well thats my very biased impression of Shi Mei. 

@rosemary-screams

Never back down never what? NEVER GIVE UP!

Also it dawned on me while reading that you’re totally right @02cm, Mo Ran totally is wasting his chances with Shi Mei. I mean it happened before but that boat scene striked me as so annoyingly obvious. Like, he knows Shi Mei dies after he gets back from that “summer camp” in peach blossom springs. Its not gonna be long till that day and he can’t be sure it won’t happen again. And he is waiting around, unable to express his feelings that he was supposed to be so sure of. Is it… perhaps… a live showcase of Mo Ran’s only two brain cells almost connecting? Almost! Not quite there yet, but we’re on the right path. 

5. This book makes me feel disdain towards the characters and then feel bad for them in the matter of chapters njnjgviuvnjuigi im not well

I'm so heartbroken with the story of how Mo Ran was punished when he tried to steal the haitang flower for Chu Wanning because he had a crush on him. And CWN never let him speak and explain himself and punished him instead. I mean it’s kinda understandable but it makes me sad knowing that MR had such pure intentions... Also, that bedtime story about ox… Mo Ran sees himself in that boy? Because it seems like he always took the beatings no matter if he deserved it and nobody was kind enough to actually listen? And it seems like it will happen again now that he's being framed for murder.

6. Me when MR gave Xia Sini butterfly hair clip and made his hair:

THIS HAS NO REASON TO BE SO CUTE. Also i'm actually enjoying that smol Chu Wanning arc despite being weirded out at first. It gave CWN opportunity to be more relaxed around MR and the rest. And just like he can enjoy sweets as much as he wants without having to worry about losing his face, he can also just chill a bit because oh boy, my guy needed it so much

7. Someone really dislikes Mo Ran and is actively plotting his demise (which im not even surprised with). It’s either someone he already managed to wrong after reincarnating or someone of those many, many people he offended in his past life that somehow also got reincarnated into the past. What are the odds?!

Also, if Chu Wanning and Chu Xun are related (rather closely given how they look alike) and Chu Xun died and Chu Lan died and it seemed like there wasn’t anyone left out of their bloodline… how. Also what’s the self sacrifice gene because it clearly runs in this family.