#i put 5 hours into this please
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tumblr don't let this one flop
#tealottie#dt17#ducktales#duckverse#ducktales 2017#tealottie art#huey duck#dewey duck#louie duck#huey dewey and louie#ducktales hdl#disney#disney ducks#donald duck#i put 5 hours into this please
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arrives 15 min late with a latte
......sup
#yosuke hanamura#persona 4#cool now that its done i can ramble in the tags#fellas im surprised hes here and done#did not think that was gonna happen#fuck i forgot smth#eh ill fix it before i make my print#anywho i might make more i might not who knows not i#yukiko is the next one i have half an idea on but also i have some shining nikki designs rattling around with my sole braincell#i also made a shadow alt for the back but idk if i like the mouth so yall arent gonna see him#also i need to find a gold foil guy that does odd sizes and like moq of 1#bc i wanna do this in gold foil#and its tarot card size bc im dumb as hell#but i want a print for my wall and i know sure as shit no one else will want one hence the moq of 1#my heart wants to make the whole major arcana for p4 but my past completed works says °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:・ 𝑛𝑜 °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:・#so whatever gets done will get done#also im gonna reblog this a lot bc i put in too many hours to get a singular note by me so like if you dont wanna see it block me lmfao#if you have any hot takes for future cards please share with the class bc i only have ideas for yukiko and a full cast she does not make fr#so uh yeah yeehaw#idk what else to ramble about but like cannot believe yosuke fucking hanamura is the first chara to get a completed piece in 5 years#im not fucking kidding#the rest were all quick graphite or abandoned#hes not even my fave in p4- thats naoto protag chan kou and nanako#boys lucky to hit top 5#he just kinda crawled into my affection like some kind of sad pathetic creature idk how it happened either#maybe hes overprocessed now that im looking at it#nope i looked too long this is it this is how he is#ill do better by the women i promise
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Um. Ok. Still reeling from the fact that bbno$ is canon in your universe and produces music. What
(Also I loooove your dbhc au!!!!)
bbno$ is also a hermitcraft watcher I would know we’re super tight
#For legal reasons this is a joke#Also my dad works at nintendo#ALSO THIS ASK TOOK ME OUT trying to put a straight face on at the coffee shop please#Bbno$ is a parkour sweat turns out <lies and slander /silly#I DIDNT EVEN THINK THAT XISUMA LISTENING TO THE MUSIC WOULD IMPLY THAT IT’S SO FUNNY FBJDGKBXFJHN#Goodness me brohter#Ask#brb-brained#Dbhc ask#Dbhc#Dbhc bbno$#THAT IS A JOKE TAG#Also the way I typed “hermitcraft watcher” and my brain supplied “‘Hermitcraft Watcher 💀👁” can you tell I got 5 hours of sleep
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James Fox and Dirk Bogarde on The Servant (1963) Dir. Joseph Losey (P. 1/3)
- "You won't get many better than me, you know. What do you want? An old hag running around the house, getting you up in the morning at the crack of dawn, telling you what to do? My only ambition is to serve you. You know that, don't you?" -
#the servant 1963#god i hope i managed to convey what the cinematographer had in mind#about how their power dynamic is reflected in their positioning relative to each other#basically why i made this gifset#also because james fox has a really pretty crying face#movie*#such an amazing movie#if you're able please give it a chance#also i love how every scene has a very pointed feeling thanks to both dirk and james' acting#their mannerisms around each other as the story progresses?? incredible#I could talk for hours about how tony can’t even hold eye contact on gifs 5&6#they both put their whole bussies into this movie and it shows#gonna tag this correctly later
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L’manberg, Nationalism, and c!Dream
Okay, I know it’s been done to death, but I’ve been reading Benedict Anderson’s Imagined Communities for a class which talks about nationalism as an imagined community, so nationalism has been on my mind. And, of course, my mind’s natural progression was to start thinking about L’manberg and nationalism again. So, without further ado, here’s my post on L’manberg, Nationalism, and how that played a role in c!Dream’s story arc.
(Also, I haven’t written an essay in ages, and I haven’t done analysis in ages, so please cut me some slack lol)
It’s under the cut because this is a very, very long post (3.2k words long, in fact). (you can also read it on google docs if you'd prefer).
What is Nationalism?
To start this all, we need to take a moment to step away from Minecraft roleplay to actually talk about nationalism itself. Since I know most of you are here to hear about the Minecraft roleplay aspect, I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible, but it is very important for context. I’ll bold (and color) the main points if you just want to read those before skipping down to the L’manberg section, but you’re more than welcome to read all of this.
To understand nationalism, you need to understand a bit about how it came to be, which requires a bit of knowledge about the transition from pre-modern to modern times. In general, this transition is often thought to have occurred in the mid-18th century during the Age of Enlightenment and during the time when a lot of revolutions were taking place, such as the American Revolution and the French Revolution. But it’s important to note that there isn’t really such a clear cut line of when this transition from pre-modern to modern times happened, and, in many ways, this change is still occurring to this day.
The most important aspect of this change to think about in the context of this post is in terms of religion, though I will also briefly talk about the shift from dynastic rule to democracy. I want to start off by briefly talking about this because, in many ways, nationalism has taken on the role that religion held in pre-modern times. (Side note: this isn’t to say nationalism replaced religion, but the widespread role of religion in people’s lives today is different than it was in, say, the 14th century).
In pre-modern times, religion gave people a sense of belonging, and this idea of belonging is something I’ll come back to, but, for now, you should know that nationalism gives a similar sense of belonging. I won’t get into too much detail about why Anderson specifically says this is a sense of belonging to an imagined community, but it basically comes down to the fact that you’ll never know everyone in your community (whether that be religious or national), but you still feel a sense of belonging to the collective.
“Okay, Stella, very interesting, but you still haven’t defined nationalism.” Alright, alright, I’ll define nationalism, which requires me to define a nation. In Anderson’s words, from page 6 of Imagined Communities, “it is an imagined political community—and imagined as both inherently limited and sovereign.” I want you to take a note specifically of it being inherently limited and file that away for later.
I said I was going to briefly discuss the shift from dynastic rule to democracy, so I’ll do that now. So, a couple things about these dynastic rules with centralized power: firstly, it was believed that the monarchs had some sort of divine right to rule from God (see how this ties into religion?), and, secondly, a lot of borders were less defined the further you got from the centralized powers. Obviously, with the shift from pre-modern to modern times, both of these things changed, bringing the idea of giving power to the people, and also bringing more concrete borders.
Anyway, moving on. Nations are imagined as inherently limited because no one imagines one nation as encompassing all of humanity. Yes, in modern times borders are very concrete and defined, but it goes beyond that—in a person’s mind, nations are limited because there are always people who do not belong to the nation. It’s not often thought about, but with a sense of belonging comes exclusion. The entire concept of belonging comes from the idea of being with people who are similar to you, and this implies the existence of people who are so dissimilar that you don’t belong with them, and, thus, they don’t belong with you. It can easily become a double edged sword, I think; there is comfort in belonging to a collective, but it can be all too easy to fall into an “us vs them” mentality, which is going to be an important point moving forward.
So, how does this all relate to a Minecraft Roleplay?
L’manberg and Nationalism
Onto the fun stuff! Minecraft Roleplay! Obviously, L’manberg is a nation, so I’m sure you can already see how nationalism is going to play a role, but let’s get into it. First, though, I’d like to give a minor disclaimer that not everything is going to fit perfectly simply on account of the fact that the DSMP takes place in a very sparsely inhabited world, and, honestly, that alone makes governmental structures of any kind really interesting to look at, but I digress since it’s not the point of this post. (It also means that nationalism as talked about in this post isn’t really an imagined community like Anderson claims it is. From a meta standpoint, you could say this sense of nationalism actually leaked into the audience itself, but in the story it’s not really an imagined community).
The DSMP starts out as a world with no borders and no governmental structures of any kind—it starts with no nations. Rather, the DSMP in itself is a cohesive community to which everyone belongs. It’s not a community like nationalism, nor is it a community like religion, nor is it an imagined community in any way. As previously stated, the DSMP is a sparsely populated world, and, at least at the start, everyone knows each other or knows of each other as an individual. This sense of belonging is more akin to a group of friends than anything else, which I think makes the introduction of nationalism especially interesting.
c!Wilbur. What a guy, am I right? He shows up to the server, and he brings with him capitalism and the idea of monopolizing resources—there’s an interesting post to be made about that, I’m sure, but not the point of this one—and, most importantly, he brings with him the concept of a nation. He’s putting up borders, putting up walls, and essentially dividing a place that used to be united, citing L’manberg as an independent country, which is does not include everyone in the server (it’s limited), and which is separate from the DSMP and essentially is its “own server” (it’s sovereign). Sound familiar? Yeah, it’s ✨nationalism✨
I’ve seen posts talking about the fact that L’manberg was specifically satirizing nationalism, and though, despite my efforts, I couldn’t find these posts (if anyone has them please send them to me! I’d love to re-read them and link them in this post), I do think it’s true. I think there’s a lot to be said about L’manberg from a narrative and meta standpoint, and I think there’s a lot to be said about the fact that c!Wilbur was always written as a villain in the story (and not just during the Pogtopia arc, despite popular belief), but I can’t get into it all in this post. So, what I do want to do is come back to the concept of belonging and how that always comes with exclusion, and I want to talk about the “us vs them” mentality.
The reason I say L’manberg is satirizing nationalism is because it takes these facets of nationalism to the extreme. It’s not just a place made to give people a sense of belonging which in turn creates exclusion; L’manberg is a xenophobic nation, and I would go as far to say that its founding was based more on exclusion than inclusion. That is to say, the exclusive aspect was not just an unfortunate yet inevitable side effect of creating a nation. From the very start, L’manberg was founded on the exclusion of non-Europeons, and, more specifically, the exclusion of Americans. Sapnap actually originally wanted to join, but he was denied because he’s American. L’manberg wasn’t ever some place accepting of anyone who came to it, and it wasn’t a place to be free from tyranny, but let’s get into the idea of L’manberg going against tyranny.
The “us vs them” mentality is already extremely dangerous and something to be wary of, and it’s something I think we should constantly be checking ourselves on, but L’manberg takes that to a further extreme. I don’t want you to think this point is completely separate from the point I made before, because they do very much connect to each other and are intertwined. Nations are limited. This means there will always be people who don’t belong to any given nation. Obviously, in this case, members of the greater DSMP do not belong to L’manberg. (I think it’s also helpful to remember that c!Wilbur specifically didn’t allow dual-citizenship; c!Tubbo initially wanted to be a citizen of both the greater DSMP and L’manberg, but that wasn’t allowed, so in the end he became a citizen of only L’manberg).
But, this wasn’t just a case of the greater DSMP being separate from L’manberg. No, they were tyrants that L’manberg was escaping from. c!Dream was a tyrant that L’manberg was fighting against. It’s taking the “us vs them” mentality to an extreme of “we are the righteous good guys fighting against oppression and tyranny, and they are the tyrants trying to oppress us.” It sure sounds like a noble cause—and you can always count on c!Wilbur to spout pretty words that convince people to play on his terms—but is that really the case? In a place that previously had no nations and no real defined hierarchy of power, how could tyranny exist? As I said before, the DSMP previously was more like a group of friends living in a commune than anything else, and tyranny doesn’t really seem applicable in that context, does it? This is c!Wilbur spinning a narrative that is going to continue to affect the SMP all the way to the very end, and it’s also what places c!Dream and c!Tommy on opposite sides from the very beginning, by establishing that extreme “us vs them” mentality.
(Oh, it should also be noted that the “us vs them” mentality very often leads to the dehumanization of the other side, so keep that in mind for when we get to c!Dream).
(Also there’s something to be said about the L’manberg revolution being heavily based on Hamilton, which is based on the American Revolution, which was a very key part of the transition from pre-modern to modern times and how that relates to nationalism, but this post is already getting long enough).
So, yeah, L’manberg was satirizing nationalism. And, ultimately, L’manberg was never good for the server as a whole.
c!Dream and Nationalism, even in the wake of L’manberg
Ough. c!Dream… :( oh he really did walk the path laid out for him by c!Wilbur to the very end, didn’t he?
Listen, everything c!Dream does on the server is ultimately tied back to the founding of L’manberg, and, in turn, to the introduction of nationalism to the server. One of c!Dream’s primary goals is unity (or, specifically, the unity and simplicity of the server from pre-L’manberg times), and this is antithetical to nationalism, or, at least, to the extreme form of nationalism that L’manberg brought. Because nationalism brought division, and division brought conflict, and conflict brought death (specifically canon deaths). And, well, we all know how much death is a motivator for c!Dream.
(Also, there is something to be said about the start of nationalism and nations on the server not being framed as a good thing in the narrative, how it was satirizing and criticizing the concept of nationalism, and there’s something to be said about how the narrative agrees with the group of anarchists—the Syndicate—who push against the idea of nations. But, well, that’s also a post for another day).
Now, obviously, unity is not c!Dream’s only motivation—actually, I think we’d all agree that the thing that motivated c!Dream the most was fear. But, a lot of this fear does tie back to L’manberg and the narrative built by c!Wilbur. So, let’s for a moment take a look at how this narrative affected other people’s perceptions of c!Dream.
Remember how I said the “us vs them” mentality often leads to dehumanization? Well, well, well. Listen, this is dreblr. The dehumanization of c!Dream has been talked about to death, but that’s because it’s always relevant to his character!! And I’m here to say that this dehumanization started all the way back during the L’manberg revolution when c!Wilbur labeled c!Dream a tyrant. Obviously the dehumanization of c!Dream is incredibly apparent with the revive book and in Pandora’s Vault, but this is not a post about the box, unfortunately (I’m sorry—I know we all love the box here 💔).
c!Dream’s dehumanization started the moment he was labeled as a tyrant and the moment he was labeled as the “enemy.” He became the “them” in the “us vs them” mentality that was adopted by L’manberg. He’s the oppressor they need to defeat, and he’s the monster that needs to be slain. And this is important because this never went away. Even after L’manberg was gone, the concept of nations and the concept of “us vs them,” never went away! c!Dream was still the enemy that needed to be killed! And, over the course of time when L’manberg was still around, c!Dream lost pretty much everyone. Everyone was turning against him, people were using attachments against him, and people wanted to kill him (New L’manberg was planning to execute him under the false pretense of a peaceful celebration!). And, yes, he did plenty of bad things during this time (namely exile), but I think we should also remember that most people did not know about what happened during exile at this time. They wanted to kill him because he was powerful and dangerous, and he wasn’t with them so he was against them because that’s the narrative L’manberg created—if they’re not with us, they’re against us.
Everyone was against him, and he was spiraling (pushed further by the existence of the revive book) to the point that he commissioned the build of a giant, obsidian, inescapable prison and he locked himself in there with the hope that it would protect him and save his life. (☹️) Obviously that didn’t work like he’d hoped, but… well…
As I said before: none of this stuff went away even after L’manberg was gone. The concept of nationalism didn’t magically disappear from the server just because L’manberg was destroyed. Nations kept popping up. The server kept splitting itself into more pieces and factions, and it all became so convoluted. I think it’s important to remember the population of the SMP—they don’t really have enough people to make functioning governments, yet they keep trying to make nations, anyway. They’re following L’manberg’s footsteps. They’re chasing this concept of nationalism.
Obviously this affected everyone’s lives, but it really did ruin c!Dream’s life. The introduction of nationalism is what causes c!Dream’s life to essentially start falling apart. I don’t want to rehash stuff that’s already been said a lot in dreblr, so there’s a lot about c!Dream’s motivations and story that I’m not including, but I want to bring our attention to a certain line c!Dream said in the finale streams: “Why can’t things be simple again?”
Because things were simple before all this! It was a group of friends making a home!! They built the community center because the server was meant to be a cohesive community of friends. There was never a need for nations or governments! It was just a group of friends making a home together! And then it all became so convoluted, and there were nations when there didn’t need to be any, and people were being divided into sides and being divided into “us” and “them,” and it was so irrevocably different from what the server started as. And I don’t think c!Dream ever really figured out how to accept that it was irrevocable :( and even he himself was blindsided by the story crafted by L’manberg and by c!Wilbur, to the point that he didn’t even fully understand his own goals! Because he (and everyone else) got so used to nationalism on the server and factions and conflicts and “us” vs “them,” that he didn’t even realize he just wanted things to go back to how they were :( oughhhh c!dreamie :((
Sorry to devolve into emotions at the end of this, but it’s not an academic paper, so I think you should cut me some slack. It’s just :( “I don’t ever want to be alone” because with nationalism comes exclusion and it eventually brought c!Dream to a point where he was so, so alone and :( He makes me so sad </3
Anyway, the reason the DSMP didn’t end with c!Dream dead at c!Tommy’s hands is because that was never the point of the story—that was the narrative L’manberg was trying to spin, but that was never what the story was actually about. It took up until the very end for them to break free from the story of L’manberg.
(And, it’s been mentioned many times before, but there’s a reason this was never able to happen until c!Wilbur was removed from the narrative. c!Dream and c!Wilbur and c!Tommy are absolutely crucial in each other’s character arcs, and you can’t really understand any of the duo relationships without considering the third (says the person guilty of writing c!Dreambur fanworks without always thinking about c!Tommy lmao, but hey at least it’s not analysis, right?) but that’s also a post for another day).
I never really know how to conclude things. I’m kind of worried I’m forgetting stuff, and I apologize if I did forget stuff, but I’ve been working on this for, like, 4 and a half hours and am getting tired lmao. But my main points are that L’manberg was satirizing and criticizing nationalism, that the concept of nationalism stuck with the SMP until the very end, and that the concept of nationalism from the beginning set up c!Dream to be the villain (and, really, this is largely in part because L’manberg from the beginning set up c!Dream to be a villain, and I don’t think you can feasibly separate L’manberg from nationalism). Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk! Feel free to ask questions and discuss further, and I will do my best to respond lol.
#dreblr#dsmp analysis#dsmp meta#l'manberg critical#oh I don't know how to tag this 🧍♀️#I think this is probably good but if you have any suggestions for tags to add please lmk o7#anyway spent like 5 hours on this lmao putting my time to good use obviously
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𝓐𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓵 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓗𝓲𝓼 𝓦𝓸𝓻𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓻 🪽
#trigun#trigun maximum#trigun maximum spoilers#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#I spent 20 hours on this entire piece and I lost 5 braincells in the process of making this please don’t flop#this is literally one of the only drawings that I put a lot of effort in and wow of course it’s a vashwood drawing#I consider this my renaissance painting for the trigun community#I like how this came out though#given that I don’t know how to draw or color anything other than sketching silly little doodles#the whole time I drew this I kept on thinking about the finale of stampede and I don’t think I’m emotionally ready for the couch#anyways! READ TRIGUN MAXIMUM
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anyone else dreaming of manderley??
#idk what put me in such a rebecca mood this last month or so but it has done the job thoroughly#rebecca#rebecca daphne du maurier#my post#my art#idk how yall tag rebecca tbh esp bc this is an amalgamation of sources and my brain making things up lmao#i was just fucking around sketching this and then i was like i wanna actually do shading and then i accidentally drew for 5 straight hours#i was also really experimenting with styles here but i think i like the kinda watercolory look of it idk#oh also if you are wondering abt ref uhh i basically just winged it for maxim and rebecca and then narrator is technically kind of joantain#(hence not having straight hair as in the book etc) and danny is kind of willemijn bc. well i cant escape my roots#(formative wicked hyperfixation)#i also don't have the patience to fix some of the mistakes in here but... it's fine#oh and finally PLEASE interpret this homoerotically i feel like i could have done more in that regard perhaps but. yk
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(guy who is normal about traveler abroad voice) hey man how's it going
#tai sui#太岁#had a tag saying everyone who can spot the cousins in the first one in less than 5 seconds gets a cookie#but i realised they show up clearer in the scan so everyone gets a cookie for free :) 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪#the first one was supposed to be aerial perspective practice but then i noticed the tree trunks kinda looked like willows and. well.#please imagine the leaves in your mind's eye i had to erase them because the sketch looked too messy otherwise </3#the shiyong one was supposed to be a traditional piece but i fucked up big time while inking#moped around for a couple weeks#and finally resigned myself to painstakingly try and fix it digitally#i feel kinda insane for putting so many hours into such a simple piece but we stay silly👍#xi ping#xi shiyong#zhou ying#prince zhuang#traveler abroad#tai sui spoilers#my art#my tai sui art#🍀
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Okay Here Is The Problem: everything costs money and yet money is something that i just literally never have. solution? kill the idea of money so that nothing costs anything Please. i'm so tired
#despite making more money w/ my commissions than ever before this year#i am still. not able to save up literally even one (1) single penny of it bc of bills#i have to make like 600 every month just to break even at like 5 dollars in my acct#please i am so fucking tired#i want to get myself things and do shit#i want to buy things for archie and jack's dog and for the house so that things are better for all of us#i want to be able to afford snacks more than once every three months like if i maybe want a bag of chips#instead of saving up for three months and going 'yeah okay 5 dollars for a normal sized bag of chips is finally worth it' ?????????????????#why the fuck are chips so expensive that is potatoes and spices and like all of it is automated hello?? what are we fucking paying for?????#ANYWAYS.#i am just fucking. Tired#due to recent events I was like#'okay how much are dog treadmills.... oh. i see. i will never be able to afford that even after three years saving. got it'#there are five hundred fundraisers on my dash (BARELY hyperbole) every single day and everybody needs help#so i COMPLETELY get people not having a ton of disposable funds this isn't me complaining about that i'm just.#i wish that i sometimes had money so that i could MAYBE save anything up or y'know. have ANYTHING to show for it#bc right now i am working full time at this job (commission/freelance artist and adopt maker etc) and making like maybe 4 dollars an hour#which is great bc when i started i was only getting about $0.11 an hour but like. that's still not. Good. For all the time i put into it#but due to circumstances and situations this is about all i'm physically and mentally able to do here and i LIKE doing commission but it's#not really. getting me anywhere and i just want to afford things finally.#i'm 27 and everything i own fits in one room and almost all of it was gifted to me for free bc i couldn't afford to get it on my own#delete later i'm just so tired man
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I colored Tisiphone and Johnny
#my art#I put all my eggs in one basket (OC fanart based on a niche thing)#to get my reward (5 likes)#but honestly please like it I spent at least 5 hours on it 💀#wnaso#Tisiphone#john
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hey again
i haven't been super active lately, but it's because i finally got an apartment! i'm not homeless anymore. the downside is that my deposit being split up means that i don't know if i'll be able to pay my rent and phone bill at the end of the month (with absolutely no money for food or necessities). i get paid next week, but i don't think my paycheck is going to make it at all, due to having to take less work days for school, and taking money out for food. my situation won't be as bad after the next two months when my deposit is paid for. i am trying to get assistance for this but i have a very limited amount of time.
i'm going to be re-linking my k*-fi for donations in the replies, and i'm still also doing emergency sketch commissions for anyone who donates over $15 (i decided to move it up from $10 since i don't have a lot of time to draw), ask for details if you would like one. i also accept tips on here if that is faster. hopefully i won't need to have this notice for very long, as i might have time to get a better job after this (i'm still being paid a dollar less than every one of my coworkers despite multiple discussions i've had with my managers and higher ups. :))
#seth.txt#please rb if you'd like to it means a lot#now i must put all of this stuff away and clean despite having my final class assignments due in 5 hours#very happy about this place though it's pretty clean and i have no utilities. and a balcony#but i'm kind of afraid of the balcony
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Rest in peace, Blackie.
She was only mine for 2 years after being my grandparents' baby for 12 but she was the best roommate I ever had and maybe the best I ever will have. My grandpa named her Blackie (and her friend "Orangey") when she was a street cat he was feeding. My grandma named her Bebe when they brought her into the house. I called her "Cat" and "Babes" and "Blackie" and "Blackie-baby" and "Bebe." She liked to have her cheeks brushed and to sit in the same room with me while I studied and sometimes to play fiercely with a ribbon for about five minutes before calling it a night, and after she warmed up to living with me she used to wait at the bottom of the stairs until I would go up to bed so she could curl up taking up most of my pillow and purr me to sleep. She's been living with my parents the last two years and was probably 18 or 19. The last time I saw her was last August and I'm not shocked that I won't see her again but I will continue to miss her as I already have been doing. I saw her on a video call before the end and my brother gave her a forehead kiss for me. I used to always kiss her right there. Goodbye, baby. I love you.
#sorry not normally someone to do this on social media but I couldn't be there#and I know I've shared some photos of her with some of you and mentioned her every time I reblogged a black cat so I thought I should share#...I think I will put this in my black cats tag. Even though it's sad. Aud please kiss Marcy for me. Sophie if u see this please kiss Kaspa#anyway else with a black cat please give them a kiss from me#hey aud it's our cat!#pet death tw#I was trying to add audio I recorded of her purring me to sleep but it won't let me add it#I should go back to sleep. I've been awake for an hour now it's almost 5 am
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imagine this has literally anything to do with the resistance anniversary
#likely? no#but im still holding out hope. dante is still alive you gotta believe me-#i want shiny pig Now please put them back in im patiently waiting#i cant remember if the pigs actually come back for april or if they'll be back for the actual 5yr celebration#if they arent back by the 16th then im buying my fishing rod#tbh i might do that anyways i have 360m now#i wont need THAT much for the resistance#i still have 5 art of wars and i highly doubt any potential new accessory would be too expensive#the ring last time was just 2m#if they add another stage to it surely it'll just be like. 10m MAX#but im not gonna buy it rn i go to work in 2 hours :V no need to get hopelessly distratced before then kjhgf#chat#sb
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i like literally wish i didnt feel compelled to rewatch and relisten to the same things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again its like actually really annoying and frustrating because i just feel like im constantly stuck in a loop doing the same things over and over but thats just literally what its like being autistic like its just frustrating cos i dont want to have to be constantly fighting with myself over it because its like okay we dont need to get stuck in the daily loop of walking in circles for hours listening to the same songs we've heard 200 times or sitting and watching things we've seen 30 times and there are better ways we could be spending our time but the compulsion is SO strong and its just Omfg like its just annoying and horrible because I have to force myself to try to break out of patterns I wish the constant compulsion I have to do the same things over and over and over and over and OVER AND OVER wasnt there at all because it would make things way easier for me and it just makes me feel so dumb.
#Like please for the love of god can we stop doing the same things over and over and go have new experiences oh my god#And i dont know its hard not to beat myself up constantly#im thinking about how im back into the same thing i was into for literally like 5 years when i was younger and i love it so much but it als#causes me despair because im like so im just spinning my wheels but like having a special interest that brings you joy your whole life is#the whole thing with being autistic and its fine but im just like ughhh UAEGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!#how it feels to go back to your old hyperfixation and its the guy with the chains on his wrists.#anyways omfg sorry that all i do on here is either post autistically about this band or agonize for some reason about being into this band.#if i could just calm the fuck down.#its literally fine but im like soooo im just walking in a circle forever and ever#but if i could just stop feeling guilty for no reason i would be having so much more fun#but the circular/obsessive thought patterns also mean i constantly worry about the same thing . when will i shut up#i just had a bad day because i basically have done nothing but stare at screens and its fine but i feel Aueahehaeufhehweughwhgdjhgdf#Its pathetic though like i have to fight with myself to pause music to even put on a podcast or something and its just so like. oh my god i#a grown adult come on#but i literally will like start an album too and then be like well i cant turn it off i have to listen to the whole thing and ill do that#with 4 albums and just walk and walk and then im like so i wasted 2 hours#etc etc its just god i dont know i feel so frustrated with myself constantly this doesnt have anything to do with a specific thing anymore#its just the general like. i do the same things every day im just stuck in this pattern of behavior constantly it makes me so frustrated#i didnt do Any of the things i actually wanted to try to do today so im just like.#im at least gonna go play guitar for a few hours
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Spent a half hour typing a speech about studying in the tags of a post 👍 I'm a normal person who's had a normal time in the academic system
#personal#i'm lying i'm still mad they showed us videos like 'This African Child Walks 4 Hours Per Day for Water. please stop texting in class'#instead of actually like. teaching us helpful tools for studying or time management or whatever#i've done 5 years of higher education on top of middle-school-high-school etc and i had the worst time in hs by Far#partly because i was having a hard time at home but partly because there were teachers there who genuinely thought we were beneath them#and tried to guilt punish and lecture us into being the perfect students they imagined we could be#like it was our fault we were perpetually stressed and tired#the best teachers recognised that teenagers are just people and tried to keep things fair for us without getting too personal#i've found uni to be impersonal at best#but at least full of people who love their subjects and want to share their enthusiasm for it#not necessarily educators and not necessarily enthusiastic about interacting with students#(although certainly there are teachers who are and put a lot of heart into it)#but at the very least: very passionate and able to see the need to tell more ppl about the thing they're passionate about#academia is a hell of its participants' making and once you realise that you have to have compassion for the ppl stuck in it with you
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ok i know im the guy with Tag your weed posts in his rentry but i am Trying to get over that Specifically bc it feels like its severely limiting the ppl im able to interact with . so where does a guy living with conservative family get the weakest edibles known to man in the most inconspicuous packaging possible. i feel like if i just try it Once i'll get over it and im also like Maybe itll help me sleep better than melatonin does
#cupid.txt#melatonin will put me down for like 5 hours max even taking 10mg#id like to sleep a normal amount w/o staying up until 5 am please#i Know ive got a few stoner mutuals Save me stoner mutuals#weed cw#<- for anyone else that needs it tagged too
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