#i push myself beyond my limits to the point i mess myself up

[storyweaverofgondor]

Ken Page Cancelled.

[her-devils-advocate]

I drag myself like a rug in the rain

pairings: Levi Ackerman x reader

genre: sickfic / fluff

summary: You are sick with the flu, yet refuse to admit it before a certain stern captain. He easily makes you swallow your pride.

The title is taken from The Amazing Devil – Blossoms. It was also a quick drabble written from my own frustrations of being ill!

word count: 1,015

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55134844

“You’re not going and that’s final. You look like you’re about to keel over.” Levi’s voice is stern, leaving very little room for argument, but despite his harsh words, his hands are gentle as he pushes you back down on the bed.

"I told you, I'm fine. I'm more than capable of joining the meeting!" Your voice is strained, the words coming out jumbled as you rush to finish the sentence before being overtaken by yet another coughing fit. You weakly glance up at Levi, the man standing before you with crossed arms and a highly unimpressed look on his face.

"Right," he drawls out, moving to the other end of your small bedroom to lean against the door as if you were capable of rushing past him to escape his scrutinising gaze. Part of you is tempted to try, just to cause some amount of annoyance. The more rational part stays still, knowing that in your current state, you would just prove his point faster than you’re willing to.

"If you can walk over to me with ease, then I'll believe you."

You scoff, ignoring the harsh tickle in your throat that the action causes, and slowly rise from the bed. Your body protests, the stiff muscles aching with each movement while your vision blurs. You push it down, refusing to let it show on your face as you slowly place a foot forward, doing everything within your willpower to take a firm step.

"When I make it to you, you promise to let me attend the meeting?"

"If you can make it over here, then sure. It’s not like I want to keep you locked up in here, lazing around all day when we have shit to do.”

“When.” You argue weakly, refusing to back down despite the nausea growing worse with each passing second.

“Besides, you know the meeting is important, especially since it's about the upcoming expedition. We can’t afford to miss a single one now that it's approaching us.”

He rolls his eyes, shifting his position to get comfortable against the cold stone, almost as if he's expecting to be stood there for a while. “Stop stalling. If you want to go to the shitty meeting so much, you know what you have to do.”

You give him your best glare, yet from the way his lips twitch with a concealed smirk, you know you must look like a mess. You have hardly slept, the night spent in a feverish daze, despite retiring to bed earlier than you usually would. The day prior was spent pushing your body beyond its usual limits, wanting to train as much as possible despite the chill air, the change of season growing more noticeable. You groan, regretting the past yet being unable to change a thing.

“You could simply order me to stay in bed, that way we could just avoid this whole song and dance. The fact that you aren’t giving the order proves that you think I’m fine.” You mirror his stance, crossing your arms against your chest with fake confidence and wishing that he doesn’t notice the slight trembling of your hands.

This time Levi lets out a small laugh. The sound is airy and unexpected, and your eyes widen momentarily, convinced that your sickness has finally caused you to hallucinate the rare, but welcomed sight. 

“Nice try. We both know you wouldn’t obey the order, regardless of how sick you are, I’m not going to waste my time giving it. So if you would like to get this ‘song and dance’ over with?” Levi says as his eyes fixate on the way your breathing grows more and more laboured the longer you stand. 

You deflate, knowing he has called your bluff. You give in and place your weight on the extended foot, shakily moving forward. Your bones feel like glass and your chest burns, but you manage to take the first step. You forget to keep up the appearance of health, more focused on actually getting your body to function under his piercing stare, yet you silently celebrate the hollow victory. 

The mental celebration is cut short when you feel your legs give way, you squeeze your eyes shut, preparing to feel your weak body collide with the solid ground. Instead of the unforgiving floor, you are met with strong, firm arms wrapped tightly around you. You slowly open your eyes to be met with his silver glare. Annoyance is painted clear on his face as his lips thin into a straight line.

“This is why you should have stayed in bed, instead of wasting time and arguing with me over it.” Despite the glare, his voice is soft as it reveals his worry. Your health has always been his top priority, even when it's just a common cold making its way through the scouts.

Levi slowly lifts you and brings you back to the warm comforts of your bed. You snuggle against your pillow, letting out a defeated sigh as he brings the blanket up to your chin. He tucks you in tight and you let out a small, slightly delirious giggle, you almost regret it when his hands pause and he stares at you expectantly.

“Are you trying to make it so I’m physically unable to leave this bed?”

His features soften and he continues to help you get comfortable, smoothing out the cover until each crease that dares to mar your blanket retreats, “That’s not the worst idea you’ve had.”

You’re not sure if you want to bask in the compliment or argue that you’ve had better ideas and that he knows it. Your mind is made up the moment he continues to speak.

“That way we can minimise the amount of surfaces you can infect with your germs. We don’t want you infecting the others at the meeting, do we? Now stay put while I bring you some food.”

And with that, he turns to leave the room, a soft smile on his face as your strained shouts of protest and offence follow his retreating form.

[bokettochild]

Thank to rub salt in the wounds, Twi.

Not only your timeline was perfectly FINE, not only the hero before you isn't DEAD but he left you a sword in a perfect condition.

Twilight didn't have to fight, as a child, to survive in a cruel world. The hero before him did'n't fail, he didn't leave the sword in a horrible condition.

I wonder if Legend has guessed that the hero before Twi was Time, seen Twi's smile. (it's kinda obvious seen how close they are)

Did he guessed that Time was the hero before him too? And he chooses to stay silence to not hurt anyone? Time has never been the hero of time in his timeline after all and is probably died as a child.

But outch Legend's face....it's a mix between "Yep you are a lucky boy" and "if only you knew about the hero before me or maybe "thank to remember me how much a tragic mess my timeline is"

Because Legend is too nice and patient to say "how nice for you, the hero before me died against Ganon, his sword was in a horrible condition with still his blood on her, so much that i have had to reforge her myself! As a CHILD."

No Legend is too nice to take his bitterness on Twilight who did nothing wrong and didn't know. He'll shallow it and says nothing about the sword's condition in his timeline.

I think that's a big part of who Legend is actually! He comes off as really bitter and cold, at least as far as Twilight is concerned, and I wish there was more focus on that interplay.

Twilight met Legend and, based off of a few limited interactions, mentally labeled him as a bully and a jerk and thus treats him accordingly. Not without reason of course, he's drawing mental parallels to actual bullies and Legend is unintentionally checking the boxes, but I think it's sort of sad that until this point, Twilight has still not bothered to get to know Legend at all beyond his initial observations .

But the fact remains that Legend IS from a world that was in shambles, a world where everyone is a threat, if not to everyone else than at least to him. Legend is a prey animal trapped amongst predators with little to no guidance. The cards of fate are stacked against him as far as his world is concerned, and while the goddesses may have granted him additional blessings and favor to make up for that, his world is still magically a mess, physically a mess, and just generally a mess.

The vet has no legacy of proud heroes to look back on. The First Hero died. The Hero of the Four Sword is a raging lunatic who tries to murder children and is sealed beneath the castle. The Hero of Time died in combat. This is the legacy he gets to follow in. Legend doesn't have the hope of becoming like those before, he has the fear of meeting a similar fate because life is never kind to heroes.

Legend's world was left in shambles, and he's had to be the one to help rebuild it, only to watch it get torn down again and again as enemies undo all his hard work. But on a more personal note, Legend has tried again and again to establish himself in the world just to have all the people he loves hurt or harmed on his account.

His Uncle died, and even though he was brought back, he disappears from the timeline shortly after, leaving a kid hero alone in the world. Legend's grandparents have high expectations and aren't the best at listening when he says that their wishes make him unhappy or uncomfortable, and instead push him to follow them anyway, only to themselves disappear from his life once the Oracle adventures are over. Din, Ralph, Raven, Nayru, Moosh, Ricky, Dmitri, all these are people Ledge befriended and was close to and had to say goodbye to again for one reason or another.

Marin.

Legend is always losing the people he loves most, watching his work get thrown in his face and receiving little to no thanks for his work. He's still actively treated like a nuisance and a threat by some people in his kingdom and no doubt there are others who simply don't believe him.

The whole world is against him, and yet the only thing it's done is made him defensive. Ledge isn't cold or cruel, you can see that he actively cares for and worries about the other heroes, he's just guarded more than they are about it. Still, in times of high emotion the walls fall and he's his true self: that kid who's got a heart too big for his own good and is going to get it broken again.

And Legend knows this. Legend actively knows that Twilight isn't fond of him, and that the other heroes regard him as an ass, but rather than correct them, stand up for himself, provide even one of the thousands of reasons he has to guard and defend his heart like he does, he just lets them have their peace because what good would it do to tell them about the losses he's suffered? The world he grew up in? The legacy he has to bear? The terrible fate he no doubt expects to one day meet? What good would it do to make them love him if that will just make their inevitable parting all the harder?

It's hard to lose those you love, but it's easier if you convince yourself they never actually loved you, so you're better off.

So yeah, Twilight is over here unintentionally rubbing salt in the vet's many wounds, but Legend keeps his mouth shut because it does no good to speak up, and in the long run, at least as far as he thinks, it's better to let it be.

I kinda hope Twilight will come to understand the vet better though, and maybe get a peek at what has hardened up the younger hero enough that he comes across the way he does. I'm pretty sure his whole outlook would change if he did, and his respect for the vet would definitely increase.

[jals-stuff]

Hihi! First of all I LOVE your writing and thank you for feeding us hungry Orter fans with your work (I have been STRAVING for his fic) so if you don't mind, I have a little request! So I imagine in a what if Orter has a crush on someone (aka us and ofc we gotta like the sandman back) who's always on a dangerous mission due to how strong they are who is ALSO his partner time to time and one day, they just went into a coma from overusing their magic. MAYBE when they woke up, the two will confess to each other or?? Idk I will let you cook 🧑‍🍳

(Sorry if my wording is a little confusing!)

good day/evening anon! your wording is just fine no worries

first of all, thank you SO much, this brightened my day by a lot, you have absolutely no clue what kind of serotonin torrent you have unleashed. I am glad at least some people like my writings, that's why I'm doing it.

I don't think this is 100% close to what you described, but I hope you'll like it regardless-

Should be gn!reader if I didn't mess it up...

warnings: SLIGHT SPOILIES, bit dark, mentions of death, bit of despair... not proofread I am so sorry.

word count: 2.8k

note: I apologise for any dumb mistakes because I physically cannot proofread myself at 6am but if I don't post it now I won't do it ever. please don't hate me anon

What if...

As much as he hates to admit it (to himself, of course), Orter had grown a little bit too fond of you. The way you greet him whenever you come back from a mission, or the way you always make sure to respect the rules and act logically while also protecting everyone around you when the two of you would go on missions together. 

The way you whine when your legs are tired after walking long distances, the way you always bring him a little something to eat when you know it’s going to be a long trip. You’ve always been good to everyone, much opposed to the cold man; but it wasn’t the only difference between the two of you.

Everyone has their own logic and, as much as you respected your own, his was quite different. While you wanted to take every single possibility into consideration, he preferred not to overload his mind with useless statistics and just think of a solution when the time comes.

However, a lot of things aren’t affected by logic, such as feelings, and how could the dense sandman guess that you were absolutely enamoured with him? These were variables he would’ve never imagined, even though he was painfully into you as well. 

Of course, he was your top priority, and protecting him from harm even though he was a rather powerful mage was of the utmost importance. He should’ve known that when the two of you recklessly charged into enemy territory in an attempt to weaken the devil’s quintuplets before they would be on the move.

Orter was a man of many things, but “what if''s were not part of his usual reasoning, and that was the biggest mistake of his life. However he only realised it too late when you had to break your own limits to make sure he’d go back safely. It was time to retreat, but the two of you had been completely cornered. 

Having a dormant god inside of your wand had many benefits, but Psyche was not an entity to be trifled with. The Soul Goddess would, each time you requested even a fraction of her power, take a huge toll on your stamina and sanity, and this time it was more than critical.

You were already exhausted from using so much of your mana, and now you were completely surrounded by Innocent Zero's sons. Unleashing your Psyche Inclination and ordering all of the quintuplets to sleep immediately surpassed your own boundaries.

You knew what would happen if you pushed beyond your limits with your personal magic, but it was completely worth it. After all, what was the point of living anymore if the only person you loved was dead? 

All of them were immensely powerful, and neutralising such strong enemies was not a meagre task. As soon as the last one fell to the ground in blissful slumber, you felt something rupture inside of you; like a used rope that suddenly lets go, your breath hitched and you collapsed to the floor. 

It was all pitch black, and your consciousness kept you company just long enough to let you hear Orter’s panicked voice calling out for you. Yet somehow, despite the fact that you were falling into the pitch-black abyss, you felt relieved that he, above everything and everyone, was safe.

But anything beyond the confines of your darkened mind was unknown to you and despite your multiple attempts to open your eyes and wake up, everything went silent.

“No, no no…”

Had you been awake, you would’ve been astonished at how Orter had never been that distressed before, at least not in front of you. The loss of his dear friend Alex Elliot had taught him a painful lesson not to get attached to anyone and to simply stick to the rules, but he had let himself fall for you, and now he was experiencing the trauma once more.

“Please, no… not them…” 

Not only were you unconscious, you had done this to yourself for his sake. He was aware of that fact; had you not decided to literally put yourself through such an ordeal, the two of you would be dead already.

But unlike his deceased junior, your heart was still beating and there was still time to save you. He had never run so fast in his entire life, carrying you carefully in his arms to bring you back to the Bureau’s infirmary, laying you down as gently as he could as the nurses rushed to assess your state.

You weren’t hurt, so to say, but the abusive usage of your personal magic had plunged you into a coma, and it was unsure if you would ever wake up from it. 

It looked like you were peacefully asleep, maybe dreaming of a better place you would possibly join soon; unmoving and slowly breathing, as if nothing had happened. Orter knew you could possibly open your eyes anytime, and it kept him distracted every time he would fill his paperwork or go on a mission.

Whenever he had free time, he would rush to the infirmary to check on you, make sure you’re still breathing, or even talk to you. It could help you come back to your senses, or so the nurses said, and as ridiculous as he felt when he talked to your inert body, he would’ve done anything in his power to bring you back, as slim as the chances were.

But then it suddenly hit him. What could he possibly tell you if you ever woke up? He would for sure apologise, but other than that? How could he face you after you had quite literally sacrificed yourself for him? He wasn’t even sure he could look into your eyes again.

Did you resent him for this?

Would you forgive his recklessness?

Would you give him this warm smile he had gotten so used to?

And would it be time for him to finally admit his feelings? You were right here, in front of him, yet you weren’t there. He missed you so dearly, the sound of your voice, the shit eating grin you’d give him whenever he was wrong and you were right, the way you’d laugh at his disgruntled expression afterwards…

All of these interactions he thought annoyed him were now severely missed and he would’ve given anything to even just see the colour of your eyes one more time. 

And see he didn’t, for what seemed to be an eternity. Everyday, when he’d come to visit you, a small part of him hoped your eyes would be open and you’d greet him the way you always did, but every time, he was met with your inanimate form, comfortably laid in the infirmary bed. 

His hope of hearing your voice ever again gradually vanished with every one-sided conversation he had with your unconscious figure, swallowing down his emotions with every word he said. He was slowly accepting the fact that you might just never open your eyes again.

The more this thought settled into his mind, the more desperate he grew, and suddenly, his usual mindset faded away and his brain filled with “what if”s. 

What if he had taken some time to listen to your suggestions, what if he had thought of a plan B like you always had? What if he had ever told you about his feelings, what if you loved him back? What if you didn't? What if you never woke up?

Dread took over on his other emotions and suddenly, it wasn’t hope that drove him to visit you everyday; it was despair. What if you never opened your eyes again? How could he ever live with your presence replaced by this horrifying feeling of guilt for letting you die in his place? 

You were surely powerful enough that you could’ve ran away on your own, and left him behind if needed; it would’ve been the logical, reasonable thing to do. But the heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. Of course, he should’ve known that you would never leave him behind, but precisely because it was completely illogical, it never occurred to him that you would willingly let yourself be hurt if he had a chance to make it out alive.

Now he was sitting at your bedside and kept hoping you’d wake up, just open your eyes and talk to him, greet him and say everything was going to be fine, just the way it was before… it seemed like he hadn’t heard your voice in an eternity, and it was weighing on him the whole time. Like a burden he would have to carry forever if you didn’t wake up from this coma you had put yourself into for his own sake.

His eyes never left your figure as he spoke to you kindly, as if you were still awake. Of course, occasional visitors would look at him like he was a lunatic, talking to someone who was obviously not here to answer, but it didn’t matter to him anymore.

Orter was ready to abandon his image for your sake, sometimes even skipping work and breaking his own principles so he could hold your hand for another minute before going on yet another perilous mission. 

The thought of you dying peacefully in your sleep haunted his mind every single day, and his sorrow was great enough that, more than once, he did consider exhausting himself enough so he would be defenceless enough for an enemy to just take him out of his misery.

For weeks, months, his mind was plagued with the thought of you leaving him forever, of not being able to tell you about these feelings he thought were completely unnecessary. Shame and rejection didn’t even matter to him anymore and he just longed for the day you’d wake up and even just look at him. 

He was on a mission, the day he heard that one of your fingers had merely twitched. Breaking protocol was far from his usual behaviour, but he needed to see you. That is how he accidentally drowned an entire area in sand, catching both enemies and harmless monsters in his Antlion’s Nest. 

The rules didn’t matter to him anymore, it was a physical need to see if you were okay and to maybe, just maybe hear your voice. 

However, he walked in on something completely different. Many of the other Divine Visionaries were gathered around you in religious silence, observing you. He had to push through the crowd and his heart stopped for a second when he saw you. 

You were sitting up in your bed, slightly confused as to why everyone was staring like this. For you, mere seconds had passed but in reality it had been literal months. As your eyes travelled amongst the crowd, you saw Orter, who was also staring at you in utter disbelief. 

The infirmary was completely silent, and no one was moving, as if time had suddenly stopped. Ryoh threw a glance at the others and they just silently left. Now it was just you and Orter, looking at each other in both confusion and shock. He stumbled towards the chair that was resting near your bed and he slowly took a seat.

“Well… you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Upon hearing your voice, he let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding. It was like all of his burdens were suddenly lifted off his shoulders and his head and arms simply collapsed against the mattress, much to your confusion. You raised your hand to reach for his hair and upon seeing how your nails had grown so much, you realised something probably happened.

“It’s been months! I thought you’d never wake up! I thought I wouldn’t hear your voice ever again. Why on Earth would you do such a thing? No, no... it was all my fault. I'm sorry, (Y/N), I'm so, so sorry.” 

He sounded angry, but he really wasn’t. You started connecting the dots and it took you a bit of time to understand that you had been unconscious for the past few months, worrying the poor sandman to death, though right now it didn’t matter at all. 

“I’m glad you’re alive, Orter.”

Although you had been unconscious for literal months, seeing the Desert Cane unharmed was such a huge relief for you. However, not everything was swell inside his mind. He still felt extremely guilty that you nearly died for him, and nothing could possibly pay back this humongous debt he thought he owed you. 

But seeing his relieved expression when he looked at you was enough of a payback. He had watched you wither away for months and now you were finally back to the world of the living, eyes focused on him and him only. 

You tried to stand up but as soon as your arms attempted to lift your form, they gave out and you started losing balance. Orter immediately stood up from his chair to catch you, wrapping his arms around your now weak body to support you, but even after you were back to your spot, he wouldn’t let go. He simply sat on your bed next to you, not letting go. 

Almost out of instinct, you rested your head on his shoulder and let out a long sigh, your arms raising up slightly.

“Please, just rest, you must be really exhausted.”

But his words just didn’t reach you, you needed this. After a while and a lot of effort, you managed to rest these weak arms of yours against his shoulders, on the sides of his neck, and he fell silent. You had no strength at all but he could feel you use all of your willpower to embrace him, and you also seemed like you wouldn’t let go.

He seemed fine with it as he slightly nuzzled your neck and closed his eyes, finally relaxing a little after this emotional rollercoaster. It felt so comfortable to finally be in his arms after such a long time spent longing for him, as if you were finally where you belonged. 

“I missed you.” Orter said quietly, close to your ear. His arms tightened around and you would've probably cried hadn't you been so exhausted. Your words were stuck in your throat and you could only nod and hum softly, your voice cutting inside your throat. 

His arms tightened around you further, holding you into a comforting hug, one of his hands gently going through your hair and keeping your head close to him. You exhaled again, wanting nothing more than to keep holding him. 

“Just don't let go. Please.”

Your voice was muffled by his embrace but you were close enough to his ear for him to understand your words, and you could've sworn you heard his breath hitch for a second as his arms tightened even harder around you.

“I won't.” He sighs into your neck, comfortably seated on the side of your bed, and you wanted nothing more than to lay back down and have him hold you, but you were still in the infirmary and it would've been very problematic to be seen like this.

“I won't, ever. I can't.” He held you even closer now, like he was trying to merge with you, your chest and his pressed against each other as if to share your heartbeats.

Although you had never seen Orter being this close with anyone before, it all felt very natural. Just like the way his hand slid from your hair to your cheek, like the way he moved away from you slowly, his usually cold gaze now soft and filled with something you weren't quite used to.

Just like the way he couldn't take it any longer and gave in to the physical urge to softly press his lips to yours. You didn't pull away, of course; the moment too precious to let surprise ruin it. 

You returned the kiss, your eyes now closed to take in the pleasant, wholesome warmth his embrace brought to you, after you'd been so cold for literal months. 

As nothing lasts forever, your lips and his slowly separated, but his eyes were now on yours again. 

“I won't let you fall again, (Y/N), I promise.”

You couldn't help but give a soft chuckle and his expression turned slightly puzzled. Of course, you two didn't share the same braincells.

“I've already fallen too hard.” You breathed out.

His eyes widened for a second before he regained his composure and brushed a few hairs away from your face to place them behind your ear.

“Then I guess we’re both down now.” he finally admitted, his expression just a little softer and his lips almost curved into a smile. 

You were suddenly thankful for Orter holding you so close, lest your heart would've jumped out of your chest. 

“I love you, just… in case it wasn't clear enough.” He awkwardly added, and you thought it was just adorable. Another chuckle escaped you with a nod.

“I know. I love you too.”

He hummed softly and sighed deeply in relief. 

That was one “what if” finally satisfied, and probably the first of a long list.

[dudeslut]

Edging & Denial | Day 2 Report

Day 2 challenge details:

Amount of edges: 9

Instructions: I have to spank my cock after each edge and each spank has to get progressively harder

Edging instructions and/or punishment suggestions are welcome!

(original post detailing the challenge)

•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•

Getting started was definitely easier than the day before 😂 I kept it simple and just used my hand; I figured just jerking my dick would make it more receptive to the spanking than if I had multiple places of stimulation. And I think I was right...😵‍💫

I haven't actually experimented a whole lot with spanking myself in any capacity before this so it was definitely exciting 🤤 I forwent my usual jerking position - face down, ass up - so I could get better leverage when spanking my cock. With the top half of my body propped up with some pillows, legs spread, and knees bent, I was ready to go.

Started out as I usually do, stroking and rubbing like normal. I gave the head extra attention since it's really sensitive and gets overstimulated easily and wanted to get prepped for what was to come. Didn't take long for my little dick to get fully hard; it protrudes beyond my foreskin, leaving the head completely exposed along with and a good bit of the sensitive areas of my shaft.

When it's finally exposed and throbbing like this, I quickly get lost in the pleasure of my hand on my dick. I'm dripping precum at this point, lubing my cock with it and beginning to buck into my hand. I feel my first orgasm approaching. I push myself as close to the edge as possible before pulling my hand away. With a flat hand I take a second to process my approach before giving a light experimental tap to my cock.

It wasn't much - I started light to make gradually increasing the strength more tolerable for my first(ish) time. But with my straining head fully exposed and just denied it sent a jolt through me. Even though there was barely any sting, the surprise of the first smack was enough to make me shiver and let out a moan. Following an edge with the light bite of pain made my cock twitch as if begging for more. Well it was gonna get it 🥴

I began again and I decided to push my limit, going closer to the edge and having to hold back from cumming. This was the first of two mistakes that nearly earned me a punishment. Pulsing with the threat of orgasm, I released my cock and quickly spanked it. My second mistake was being overzealous from how good the first spank felt and hazy from near-orgasm, that I spanked a little harder than intended. 😵‍💫

I nearly yelped and the spank to my cock was slightly audible 😳 Coated in slick from my weeping cunt it made a wet smack sound. This along with the mild sear of pleasurable pain nearly sent me over the edge. I was a whimpering mess trying to hold back against what I wanted - what I needed - soooo bad! My whole body tensed, I thought for sure I was about to ruin, my dick was twitching like crazy, but I pulled through 🥵

Starting again, my cock was so fucking sensitive it was slightly overstimulating, but in a way that felt fucking amazing. Rubbing through the sting and still recovering from nearly ruining had my poor dick pulsing in my hand. I had to take this one a bit slower before getting back up to full speed, whining into my hand the entire time

The next edges and spanks from here resulted in being similar to either the first or second one. But with the increased roughness behind each spank to my little dick right after an edge made me feel almost addicted to the feeling. By my ninth and final edge I was so desperate to cum, the initial pain and cumulative sting of each spank and the effect it had on my cock I felt ready to explode. I was basically humping my hand at this point and having to use a small pillow to muffle my pathetic needy noises.

I pulled my hand off at the last possible second and gave the hardest spank yet! Again, I came extremely close to ruining as my dick was left twitching while it luxuriated in the intoxicating sting but craved more attention for that final push. Part of me wanted to give in, but I was doing so well and it was only day 2, the desire to be a good boy won out.

This edging session ended up being one of the most difficult denials I've struggled through. After that last edge, my cock was throbbing and pulsing for about a minute or two while I collapsed and whispered into my pillows through it. Eventually I slipped my boxers and shorts back on to go to bed.

It was soooo hard not to touch myself again; I stayed hard and twitchy for what felt like the next half hour. It was so hard to ignore my pathetically needy little cock especially since my cunt kept leaking too. I somehow ended up falling asleep in the end though. Fuck typing all this out and still thinking about it is getting me horny. It's only day 2 and I'm soooo desperate to cum while I'm stretched around a cock 😩

[olumine]

LET ME SAY IT ANOTHER WAY : i call myself wound, but i will answer to knife.

an independent roleplay blog for the traveler, lumine / ying from genshin impact, as written by kendall (21+, he/she). minors dni. exploring themes of war, violence, blinding light, gender, being an alien, dehumanizing the hero, adrift in a world not your own, and more.

this blog will stay low activity. minimal formatting. mostly minimal effort. i don't have the energy these days for extensive rpc aesthetics, though i'll spring for a funny little icon every once in awhile. extremely headcanon dependent + canon divergent -- i've completely overhauled everything, down to the character design. not involved in the genshin fandom at large on basically any grounds. please note that while i don't consider myself particularly "selective," i am very busy. heavily affiliated with @kunigutsu's scaramouche, @bezdnayaks childe, & @yanwangye's zhongli.

under heavy construction!

(more extensive pages are under construction, but between the wiki & the caveats i've written below, i'm happy to mess around with plot & answer any questions til then.)

interaction .

as it is, standard interaction rules apply. other than the usual (don't be pushy, don't be a bigot, don't be weird), i'm very chill, i like to plot, to discuss interesting dynamics, & i'm good with every format of writing short to long. i'm fairly new here in terms of genshin impact but have been rping on tumblr for way too long at this point, & i'm coming back after an extended break. one thing, i really prefer it when ideas are exchanged mutually rather than one-way, so if we're plotting, please feel free to hit me with whatever & i'll match that energy!

portrayal .

okay, here's the big thing. please take a moment to briefly read over my interpretation of the traveler! while i enjoy the core lore of the traveler, i'm interested in pushing the personality + characterization notions gestured at by the game and playing around with them, pushing them to different limits. as it stands, my idea of lumine is quite. quite overhauled, so i'd appreciate any double-checking before assumptions are made. i don't own anything beyond the concepts i personally came up with, obviously. as it stands, this is a work in progress always, i'm still making my way through the full plot to boot, so bear with me. also, i am comfortable with duplicates, being followed by and interacting with!

biggest notes .

— my lumine is genderless, and is socially read as on the masculine side of the presentation spectrum. while i'll use she/her for ease, this is NOT a girl. no gender in space, and all that. this definitely includes her canon design! while i might reblog or like art that is designed in alignment with canon, that's not actually how i see her at all. give her pants. bigger muscles. strong strong hands. i'll write notes up on it in the future at some point. — genshin impact's got some, huh, things going on in terms of weird age gesturing while still being plenty sexualized. don't know what that's about. don't like it. don't subscribe to it. lumine is, appearance wise, mid 20s, but much older than that in actuality, obviously. — vital here, i basically do not know about fanon, i just got here, but what i've seen scares me so so so bad. i do not jive with essentially any of the "blushy, soft, ultra-squishy" of lumine. again! dni! — she's a fighter, intense, a little adrenaline-fueled. rougher around the edges, a little angrier, a little pushier; a little bit rude and sharp and to the point at times. i portray her with the idea that while she is helpful, she can be a bit begrudging, a bit worn through and over it, and absolutely not liked by most people she comes into contact with. i'm very down to explore dynamics that are more fraught than friendly.

character thesis in the meanwhile! scroll to the bottom for a bonus picrew of the babygirl.

The Cosmic Terror Of Light and Light As A Destructive Force

taking the knight thing to its natural conclusion of a girl who is so so so mad all the time and also so so repressed about it, but like, barely.

I Am Asking You To Endure It coding

getting more impulsive and weird as time goes on. already was kind of not cool not normal but objectively getting worse WHILE getting stronger.

you can trust her with your keys and your personal quest but she might deadpan roast you for your problems in the process.

vibes include being Covered In Blood and clearly exhausted but letting paimon hold her hand when she's scared

This Is My Brother And I Need A Shovel To Love Him

the hero has been irrevocably changed by the journey and even if she could go home, home would no longer exist to her! she knows this and is choosing to ignore it.

emphasis on the feeling alien + isolated + not belonging to the world. you're a strange human-thing that doesnt follow any known laws and well, isn't that a bit sad.

[atangledfate]

"Yeah you're right." And it was never easy for Sonic to admit Jet was right about anything. But he had actually respected his skills too. "I took the title because i beat you i don't deny that is what happened and yes i'm not a Babylon. I don't know about you or anything about being a Babylon. But it doesn't mean i wanted to be the reason you are angry and can't show up back home." Again Sonic couldn't help but try being kinder - to see it from the other's point of view. "I don't go easy in any race next time or you'll kill me for sure." Turning away now to avoid Jet own reactions or words. "Thought you hated me anyway.." A mutter awkwardly. he would not admit he saw Jet as the only fastest Babylon he did rule the skies and it wasnt fair Sonic took that away from hin. Any anger he had originally felt towards Jet was gone.

The Babylon didn't respond as he turned away from Sonic mostly because he didn't want to make amends. He liked having a reason to be angry, and let his rage push him to new heights. In a way Sonic beating him made him go beyond what he was capable of. Pushed him to be better far better then he ever was. But the shame of losing followed him like a dark shadow--- his Father would never let him live it down.

" Sonic, you don't get it--- Before you came along i ... was the King of the Skies! no one could touch me... no one could hope to match me! race after race i was King... hell i never even tried..."

He clenched his fists tightly as he locked eyes with sonic.

" But then you came along... and i pushed myself to my limits! and beyond! but there you were, born with a natural talent far beyond my own! and no amount of training could ever hope to close the gap between us! ... and it was made painfully clear the day you crushed m in that race... "

" Do you know what that's like--- to realize to your shock and horror that no matter how hard you try you CAN never catch up! The Prince of the Babylon's! forever in the god damn shadow! of some clown pretending to be hero! you got no idea what that is like for me!?! what it meant to me! to be on top, and be knocked off by some blue boyscout! My pride was all i had left! and all i could think about was BEATING YOU! "

He sighed glancing off to one side as if letting his momentary rage go.

" ... But then the War happened... Infinite came along--- it became less about me and... shit just snowballed after. Here i was running secret missions for Knuckles... gaining intel where i could... ya know watching the world burn sure changes your perspective... "

He placed a hand on his hip

" Then the Zombots... fuck that was just messed the fuck up... like what the hell was i suppose to do? Never felt so damn helpless... So when amy called--- fuck i couldn't just say yes. Had to make it hard for her but maybe i shouldn't have... what ever--- "

" What ever anger i had for you died a long time ago... you still took something from me though. One day i want that back--- but i have to do it my way... No tricks, no games... no under handed bullshit, just me and you and the sky is the limit... so no i dun hate you... "

[flowergrownbeyondthestone]

So far most of the things I’ve written here were leaning towards being majorly positive and somewhat optimistic, but I think I’m going to ruin this trend today. Despite trying my best to preserve my energy and recharge yesterday, I woke up feeling absolutely exhausted today. Even before I got to work it felt like I had 0 energy available and yet I still had to get through the day somehow. That on its own is not great, but worse days happen. That aside, lately I’ve been wondering why after a long streak of feeling quite good while working 3 days suddenly my energy level seems to be worse again and even getting through these 3 days can be challenging. Today I realized that this is the time around which I started to actually go out and socialize more. Wow. Great. So apparently if I spend 4 days of my weekend primarily isolating myself I can function at work, but if I decide to do more then well… the good time ends there. Or well, I still have a good time while being around others and doing stuff, but I’m absolutely suffering at work. I basically cried like two times today already and I’m temporarily feeling like I’m less of a person. Working part time and still unable to have fun without paying for it later. Still having to plan everything around my energy levels, with no clear idea of what should happen in the future. I didn’t choose any of this, but right now it’s hard for me not to feel like I’m failing at life. I know it’s not really my fault and the circumstances in my life have been less than optimal for a long while, but… I so fucking badly wish I could just function on a normal level without a ton of consideration and pushing myself beyond my limits. There’s so much frustration coming up because I feel like I’ve had to deal with things on my own basically my whole life. Of course I had different people supporting me, but it should never be their burden to carry, unfortunately at some points it was. My family has never really shown up for me, not in an emotional and present way at least. It still fills me with so much sadness and anger, in a way I feel simply abandoned because even though I am an adult and technically don’t need them, don’t we all want to have someone that’s going to be there no matter what happens? Normally family is. But not mine. I have to carry my burden, their burden and at the same time somehow not feel like I’m falling apart. I can absolutely see a good life for myself, but not when I constantly need to worry about earning a living and somehow not becoming an isolated cave hermit. I just want a break. I didn’t even get to enjoy my childhood and now I feel like I’m drowning in adult responsibilities while only just learning who I am and what I need. I wish I had a place to go where I could just exist for a while without everything hanging above my head. It just really doesn’t feel like it’s an option though, I’m alone in the country, I have no alternative source of income, I have virtually no support in that way and my biggest problems are strictly connected to the practical life shit (aka money, energy and time). I need some changes but how the fuck do I figure out what my life should look like when I can’t even find a way to get advice from anyone and I sure as hell can’t always do everything alone. Especially not when it comes to such major decisions and not having anything to fall back on. I don’t know. I just want to be able to allow myself to be weak and tired when I need to. Meanwhile one day after getting out of psych ward and the worst mental breakdown of my life I was already back at work and pushing further, cause what the hell am I supposed to do? I hate that reality. I didn’t ask for any of this mess and now it’s all mine to deal with

(Update, an hour and a bunch of chips and tears later): I feel much better now, cheers

Not that the issues are solved buuut. I’LL LIVE

[crazy-void]

Important update

(sorry for my english, it’s not my native language)

Hello everyone, I'm not usually the type to make these posts, but I think this time it's really necessary.

First of all, about the Bots and Pizza fanfic, for all the fans and especially that anonymous fan who once asked me how the chapter was going, I have to say that yes, I said that December I would release the chapter starting part 2, but I haven't managed to finish it. I only have half of it, and I'm currently having a creative block finishing a particular scene, which I've already changed several times. As I still have to finish it, correct it, translate it into English, correct it again, send it to the person who does the final English correction, it may not even be finished in time this month. I can provide you with some poorly translated excerpts if you're curious, without too many spoilers. The chapter will come out, I just can't promise dates anymore. 

Now, this is the hardest part for me to tell you, but I have to be honest:

I need to slow down.

"Wait, didn't you used to say that you were slow at drawing?" "Don't you already post once a month, without a schedule?" Yes, I have a slow pace for posting, but with this change, it may take me a lot longer to post.

In 2023 a lot of things happened in my life, from graduating, reconciling study and work, increasing the pace of drawing and writing, increasing livestreams, having several long leaves from home that unfortunately prevented me from continuing my projects, and adding all the fatigue of reconciling all this, this year was one of the worst for my mental and physical health.

I don't like to talk too much about my private life, I didn't want to write a long text explaining it, but I think that for those of you who follow me I need to explain why I'm disappearing so much and not being on schedule.

Since the last chapter of Bots was posted, I've had the worst months. I got sick, my cat had an emergency and underwent surgery which meant I had to keep an eye on him for 24 hours, combining that with work, spending Christmas with a horrible cold and pain from falling down the stairs.

And after spending New Year's away from my cat, who had to stay in a hotel because I wasn't going to bring him to the beach, going through all the stress of him trying to attack the cat they brought and thus making his wound worse, which was finally closing up, spending almost all my vacation on the beach, and every day worrying about what the next complaint would be about me for simply trying to do something for everyone, I'm just tired and exhausted.

The problem itself isn't my family, they're amazing, I wouldn't swap them for anyone, but sometimes I can't make myself understood and I can't express myself.

It doesn't help that I'm already a person who for 20 years hasn't known what it's like to relax, I've always done everything as if I were holding a weight on my back, even more so when, even though I'm in pain, I keep pushing myself, going beyond the limit and thus getting worse and worse.

I was doing that a lot throughout 2023, and it just wrecked me. In terms of mental health, I'm very passive, I try to impose myself, but I always lose the argument and do what they want, and I just accept it and swallow it, until at some point it all explodes and I'm left with a mess of emotions.

Little by little, I was getting more and more discouraged, just living each day according to routine, trying to find some happiness in anything at the moment. Drawing, writing, reading, doing anything involving subjects I love was helping, but I was having more and more obstacles, interruptions, I was forcing myself to do things, and not being able to do what I wanted during the day was frustrating me more and more, combined with my increasingly frequent pains.

I had a plan to post more than 6 drawings in the month of December, showing more OCs, as well as finally continuing Not so Superstar. There was going to be a special Christmas drawing. Did I achieve that? No, I didn't even come close. Of course, it's my fault for having imposed this on myself, but each day was more frustrating than the next, and this only added to all the frustrations of the whole year that I don't even feel genuine happiness anymore. I smile because I have to, but I don't fully feel that good happiness. And that frustrates me. 

I've also started to have problems with my body, I don't feel comfortable with certain parts of it. It sounds silly, but it's only helped to increase my discouragement.

With all this, I'm tired.

And I want to change that.

I'm already looking for help to improve, even by 1%, so that next New Year, I can really smile.

I'm not the best example, but if you're reading this and you feel something similar, try to seek help, whether through psychologists, through your faith, or even through friends. Sometimes all you need to hear is that someone cares about you and that everything is going to be okay. And if you're that friend someone has chosen to open up to, reach out, sometimes a simple "I'm here, you can count on me" is all they need.

Anyway, I know it's a huge text, but I needed to explain at least a little to those who care, and that me slowing down doesn't mean I'm going to stop everything, I may even become more productive, who knows? But I won't be promising dates. I'm not going to disappear from the socials, I intend to look at them more often, so you can interact with me just fine.

I hope that by the end of the year, I'll be able to return to this post and see that I've improved, that I no longer feel disappointed and tired, that all the help I'm getting has made me smile for real at the turn of 2025.

Thank you for listening, you are one of the reasons I keep going.

[hbelcherarts246-01]

Process & Reflection (Week 1)

Process

Our first project was the letter spacing project, which entailed kerning letters by hand. It was quite a challenge for me. I have an essential tremor, meaning parts of my body (usually my hands and arms) shake uncontrollably, and it’s most noticeable and frustrating when I try to use fine motor skills.

I didn’t struggle too much with the straight lines, because rulers are pretty easy for me to use. The issues started after I’d finished all of the straight lines, because that meant it was time to draw the curved parts of the letters. Since I didn’t have any French curves at home, I went shopping to try and find some. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find them in the stores that were within walking distance of my apartment (I don’t have a car), so I had to wait until Thursday’s class to borrow some.

I wasn’t expecting them to be so difficult to use; I thought they’d be akin to a ruler, where you just hold it in place and start drawing. Instead, I had to continually move, rotate, and make minute adjustments to position them just right along the letters’ curves. My hands kept shaking as I was doing it, which meant I spent what felt like an eternity aligning the curves, knocking it out of position, and then trying to realign it. Even after I managed to line them up, I’d knock it out of place again as I tried to hold it down and draw along it.

When 4:30pm rolled around, I was out of time and still not at all finished. I submitted what I’d call a “hot mess”, which you can view in the image below. I’m not proud of the work I did in this project, if I’m being honest.

Reflection

This episode of the 99U podcast probably struck a chord with many teenagers and young adults (whether they work in creative fields or not); I know it did for me. I picked this episode “Tony Schwartz: The Myths of the Overworked Creative” because the speaker addresses an issue that I am presently dealing with and will likely continue dealing with until I retire (at whichever age that may be, 65 or 90). That issue is exhaustion and burnout from being consistently overworked for a long period of time.

Like Schwartz says, I once thought my energy could be “infinite”, and for a while, it seemed it was. Up until sophomore year of high school, I was a straight-A student. I was more than capable of balancing school with my job while still leaving time for some basic self-care and creative projects. I had a good social life and I maintained a healthy sleep schedule. I was tired most of the time, but I was always told it was normal; feeling tired is just part of adult life. I thought it was normal and that I was fine right up until I realized it wasn’t normal, and I wasn’t fine. Making it through high school and keeping my job became the only things that mattered to me in life, and after a while, I couldn’t even handle those things. I lost sleep, friends, hobbies, and my belief that “life will get better”.

I know now it’s because I spread myself too thin, continuously pushed myself beyond my limits, and demanded perfection and productivity from myself, always. Now, 4 years later, I’m still dealing with the mental and physical health issues that were created and/or exacerbated by that initial burnout. I’ve become moderately agoraphobic, I’m an insomniac, I struggle with basic tasks, and my “creative brain” is empty.

Schwartz says humans need to “pause”, or renew, their energy after a period of “pulsing”, or expending, energy. I just haven’t had time to “pause”, I have to keep “pulsing” if I want to graduate on time, get a job, or simply survive. Unfortunately, given that I live in the economic and political fiasco that is America, I doubt I’ll ever have a moments rest again. The current economic trends show that my generation as a whole isn’t going to be able to retire or receive social security.

All that is to say, I wholeheartedly agree with Schwartz’s points about the current work model being physically and emotionally draining and harmful. Life shouldn’t be this stressful, and like Schwartz says, it’s not natural or healthy for humans to live and work like we currently do. The myths he debunks in the episode have been drilled into our heads so often that they’ve become widely accepted as “just how life works”. The perpetuation of these myths is driven by corporate greed, they serves only those in power, and they’re killing us, physically and psychologically.

Schwartz says we need to align our working style and work-life-sleep balance with our natural rhythms, and I agree. However, I seriously doubt it’ll ever happen, at least, not in my lifetime. It would require those in power to give up their massive wealth and influence, and they’ve proven themselves, again and again, to be too greedy, selfish, and out-of-touch to care about (or at the very least, not exploit and kill) their fellow human beings.

[automatismoateo]

Muslim Mom discovered ive had intimacy with my boyfriend via /r/atheism

Muslim Mom discovered ive had intimacy with my boyfriend Im (18f) atheist, openly since im 14 in a hardcore believer family, with a really traditional arab dad and a european mom who s basically brainwashed. They ve pushed their beliefs on me for forever and I was restricted in EVERYTHING. Friends, food, clothes (i wore the hijab from age 10 to 15), how I talk and how I act and what I read and basically just did everytbing behind my parents back. Beside that we have a family dynamic that s fucked up beyond religion, abusive dad who s emotionall and financially negletful and a mom who s just such a mess. She loves my boyfriend who s 18 and really religious, he is a kind soul and has always been so caring and affectionate towards me. Again she loves him more than she loves me, he comes to the house hangout with us (my dad doesnt live here and we have limited interactions thats only about money) and this morning she discovered a condom by looking into my stuff. Couldnt lie myself out of this one. Im devastated i dont know what to do im not even seeking advice at this point just ranting because i feel like im going to explode. If she tells my dad which is worse case scenario i will be dead he will kill me not fucking joking he is really fucked up and im scared but i dont think she will because he ll say it s her fault and it can only wrong us all. Im supposed to fly to college in september 2024 and in the meantime i dont know what will happen to me. She said he needed to repair what was done and that she would marry us. Submitted September 01, 2023 at 01:59PM by More_Willingness_840 (From Reddit https://ift.tt/9nIxe3l)

[gdbatbitch]

Managed to get August rent covered, but now my unemployment's run out and I'm back to zero money. I've been applying for jobs left and right for months and aside from the one that illness messed up for me, I've not had any luck.

I'm looking into applying for disability because at this point, with the way my health has been in the last year, it makes sense. It's better than the nothing I'm living on now. I'm just trying to survive. I can't keep listening to my own internalized ableism and pushing myself beyond my limits. It's obviously not been working so far.

TL;DR Please, please. I’m at the absolute end of my rope and can use all the help I can get. Also, just putting out there for those that prefer alternates: my PayPal is dextra.hoffman@gmail.com, Venmo is @Dextra-Hoffman, and CashApp is $DextraDawn. Thanks y’all.

I wish I had the spoons to talk about how horrible I have been feeling the last few weeks in real time. Especially the last 3 weeks. You don’t realize how much one little gland will mess up your entire existence until it’s defective or gone. I’ve been without my thyroid for 10 months now. And I’m still suffering the repercussions of it. 

My biggest issue is my TSH levels. I’ve had to have dosage adjustments twice since January, and each time it results in weeks of adjustment time, and a good portion of that, I’ve been completely laid out because of being unable to function. The symptoms can vary, but generally involve massive fatigue, nausea, hot flashes and cold spells/sweats that I’m not able to control and barely able to combat, dehydration, weakness, and just having that feeling you get with a high fever and a flu where you feel half in and half out of reality and not sure if you’re actually alive or you’re a ghost. 

Also because these hormones think they’re that special, they also affect my mental health by spiking my adrenaline levels and triggering my anxiety. My anxiety alone can shut me down for days. It’s been well documented. So the physical symptoms would trigger my anxiety. I have a really high pain tolerance, but sickness not so much. And I have never felt sicker in my life than I have in the last month. So not only was I feeling like I was dying, I was terrified the entire time.

I’ve not gone into great detail about it openly because it was so scary, and I know when I’m in panic mode I can’t really trust my own mind to determine the seriousness of a situation. So I kept it quiet, at least quiet for me. 

Of course, all of this has completely destroyed my plans of getting back to work and out of this poverty rut I’ve been in for months. I had a job lined up, but the start date was right in the middle of my being incapacitated. I tried to work with the company to push back my start date, but that didn’t happen. I’m in the midst of interviewing for a job that would be absolutely perfect, but I’m still waiting for next steps on their part. Aside from those, as anyone currently seeking a job will tell you, it’s abysmal out there. I’ve applied for over a hundred jobs in the last 4 months and I’ve barely gotten any responses. 

I’ve been asked if I’m going to be doing art commissions, and if I were more capable, sure. I’d be silly not to try. But I’ve not been anything close to capable for weeks. I’ve only been back to 100% for a few days now, and even that has been sketchy. So I’m putting a pin in that for now, at least until I can knock out a sketch or two to knock the rust off. 

I was hoping to be done with fundraising, it’s so nerve-racking. But right now, my survival is in peril. I just submitted a request for what will be my last unemployment payout. It wasn’t much, but it was barely keeping me afloat. After that, I’m kinda screwed unless I can figure something out. 

I still haven’t made rent for August, my car payment is late, I’ve got bills up to my ears and I’m just worried that I’m not going to have those things very very soon if I can’t keep up. If I can at least hit the goal on the fundraiser, that can keep me going until I can get back to work (fingers crossed). 

I’ve been struggling with asking for help for a while now because I feel like I’ve been holding my hat out for far too long, but I don’t really have a choice anymore. I’ve also been struggling with a lot of internalized ableism as well because I know I’m disabled and shouldn’t push myself as hard as I do. But that’s a rant for another time.

Please, please. I’m at the absolute end of my rope and can use all the help I can get. Also, just putting out there for those that prefer alternates: my PayPal is dextra.hoffman@gmail.com, Venmo is @Dextra-Hoffman, and CashApp is $DextraDawn. Thanks y’all.

[lazysimp]

Innocence /// Virgin!Tamaki x Top!Male Reader (18+)

Click Here to read bottom!male reader

Click Here to read Fem reader

Request: Hello! Can I request a Top male reader* x Tamaki. It's his first time and he's very shy and reader takes advantage of it.

A/N: Of course anon, I love the idea of corrupting a sweet innocent Tamaki

Tags/Warnings: 18+ MDNI explicit sexual content, virgin!Tamaki, dominate reader, submissive Tamaki, mild somnophilia/dubcon, tentacles, handjob, He/Him pronouns

Word count: 4k

masterlist┃AO3

Patience had never been a virtue of yours, so when a soft timid Tamaki beat around the bush asking you out on your first date you took the first step. And when he could not find the words to ask for a second you gladly volunteered them. Instead of growing annoyed or feeling emasculated your sweet boyfriend looked at you with gratitude every time you guided the relationship.

So, when it was finally time to take your relationship with him to the next level it was no surprise that you were the one to push it there. In the dimness of your shared bedroom, you laid still in bed listening to his breathing. During the day he would never let you stare at him like this, he would grow too flustered and hide his face.

You wish more than anything he could see himself how you see him. How he is the strongest person you know, choosing to push beyond his limits every day to save those around him, uncaring if it left him in a panic after. You had to bite your tongue every time he came home from work covered in blood and dirt. In your mind you know he can handle himself, but the idea that someone can look at Tamaki and still choose to hurt him baffled you.

You raise your hand to his face and brush your knuckle across his cheek. You wanted to be with him in every way, but you were so unsure he was ready. You know if you asked, he would say yes, he would never deny you. But he has never shown any sign that he wanted to take that next step.

So when a deep groan left his soft pink lips your ears perked up. Normally the only sounds he made while he slept were a few soft huffs as he shifted around. You sit up in bed, now watching his face intensely. Maybe your mind made up the sound, desperate for an excuse to jump on him. But to your delight, his mouth opened, and a single word left his lips, "Please."

This had to be too good to be true. Was your boyfriend having a sex dream? You needed to investigate. Carefully lifting the covers, you look down his slender body unit your eyes landed on his pants. You rub your eyes to clear them and make sure you were seeing things right and you were. A large bulge pushed the seam of his pants up, his erection barely contained in his underwear.

Instantly you felt heat flare-up in between your legs. You look up at his face and grow even hotter, his cheeks were dusted pink, and the tips of his pointed ears were bright red. His lips were slightly parted letting you catch a glimpse of his teeth as he let out another low groan, this one even more desperate than the last.

Without thinking you trail your hands down his chest, tracing the soft muscles until you landed on the elastic of his pants. You could feel the warmth he emitted and moved in closer until you lie parallel to him. The soft purple hair of his happy trial teased the tip of your fingers as you ever so carefully slip your hand under his pants.

You watch his face for any distress, but he held the same expression. Growing bolder you inch your hand further down until your fingers brushed against the head of his cock. You have to stop for a second, already overwhelmed at how far you have gone.

He was so warm and soft, his sweet olive smell filling your nose. You needed him so bad, needed to be close with him, touch him, love him. So you take a deep breath and wrap your hand around the head of his cock. You could feel his hot length pulse in your hand, just begging for your touch.

Needing to touch him more you place your lips by his delicate ears and whisper, "Tamaki, baby, wake up for me."

The man under you tensed and ever so slowly his eyes lazily opened, "Huh?"

You can't help but laugh at his dazed expression, he looked like a newborn fawn. "Baby, can you look down for me?"

His bright purple eyes looked at you with confusion but did what you told. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion before his gaze snapped to meet yours. "What?" he asks his eyes wide, "What are you doing?"

You keep your face neutral, not wanting to give away too much, "I could hear you begging in your sleep." You purr, "And when I looked down, I could not help but notice the tent in your pants."

His face grows impossibly redder, and he looks anywhere but your face. Not liking that you gently acquiesce your hand around his cock until his eyes snapped back to you.

"What were you dreaming about Tamaki?"

"N-nothing?"

You tsk your tongue, "That's not true, is it?" You lift the hand is his pants up, revealing his hard cock for both of you to see. You could hear his breath hitch as he was finally able to see what your hand was doing.

"Now why don't you tell me what you were really dreaming about?"

You could see his mouth open and close as he tried to form words. His purple eyes started to grow wide and wild. Needing to stop that train of thought you decided to try something else.

"How about I try to guess what your dream was about?"

His breathing slowed and he tiled his head, "What do you mean?"

"We will play a game of hot and cold. If I am doing something you saw in your dream you say hot and if I do something that was not in your dream you say cold."

He looks to the ceiling, "I've never played that game."

You softly smile, "That's ok, we can try it out and if you don't like it, I will stop."

"A-alright," he tightly swallows, "Let's try it."

You let out a squeak of joy and peck him on the cheek, "I am so proud of you!"

He gives you a wobbly smile, but you could see his eyes starting to dilate. He was getting excited.

You look down at your hand and take a deep breath. You know he has never done anything like this, so you had to make this perfect for him. Wrapping your hand around his cock, you gently slid it down until it rests on the base.

The soft hair surrounding his base ticked the back of your hand as you let it rest there for a second waiting to see what he says.

"Cold," he mumbled weakly.

You give him a rewarding squeeze and began to pump your hand, admiring how his foreskin traveled up to cover his glands. Everything about Tamaki was perfect and his cock was no exception. It was long, almost double the size of your hand. Instead of being perfectly straight, it bent off a little to the side. You could not wait to take advantage of that.

"Warmer," he said a little stronger.

"Good boy," you praise, starting to pump your hand a little faster.

A shiver traveled through his body at your words. You made a mental note to praise him more. As you gently pump your hand on his cock another idea popped into your mind. You slip his underwear down with your free hand giving you room to dip your hand lower until it settles on the tight skin in between his balls and hole.

You watch his face for any signs of distress as you gently press one finger at his entrance. You could feel him tense for a second but as you continued to stroke his cock his hole relaxed enough to allow one finger to slip inside.

"Bunny," he cried, "Warm."

You hum your approval, sinking your finger even deeper inside his tight hole while you pumped your hand, once, twice, three strokes. His hips started to lift in time with your hand, creating even more delicious friction.

"So good Bunny, don't stop!"

You press another finger inside him, giving him a few seconds to adjust before you spread open your finger, scissoring the digits. His hands desperately grip the sheets beside you, trying to find purchase as you stretch him open.

“Please Bunny I need,” he begged, unsure what he really needed. Needy cries filled your ears as you started to stroke him at a punishing pace, already feeling his cock pulse in your hand.

"Hot, hot, Bunny it's so hot." He cries, his hips rising to meet your hand. You deepen the thrusts of your fingers, pushing them up until you found a soft spongy spot inside him. His hips lurch up and a sob leaves his lips as you press on that spot inside him, keeping your hand moving on his dick.

You force yourself to keep steadily pumping, knowing the consistent pressure is what he needed to finally tip over the edge. And you were right, with his hands white knuckling the sheets he came with a silent cry, his face contorted in pleasure.

You watched mesmerized as he releases all over your hand and his stomach. You ease your grip on his cock, not wanting to overstimulate him too much, and instead weakly kept your wrist moving, letting him ride out his high. His chest rapidly fell up and down as he tried to catch his breath.

You carefully pull your fingers out of his ass, watching carefully for any signs of discomfort. As he came back to reality, he looks down at you with a wobbly gaze, “I’m sorry.”

Your hand flies up to cradle his cheek, “What are you sorry for baby?”

He looked down at the mess on his stomach, “I came too early, I messed the game up.”

You take a second to try and find the right words and finally settle with, “We are just having fun Tamaki, there is no winning or losing.”

His hands lift to cover his face, “But I finished so fast, it’s humiliating.”

“Hey,” you coo, “It’s just me and I thought you cumming so quickly was hot.”

His hands lowered slightly so his eyes could look at you skeptically.

You laugh, “I am serious, the way you could not control yourself and cried out will be the fuel of my late-night fun for weeks.”

His hands fell from his face and the look in his eyes changed completely, “You think about me when you touch yourself?”

"Yeah baby. You are all I can think about when I touch myself. I think about how your cute little ears twitch when you are embarrassed, I think about how good you look in your hero uniform, and I especially think about the look on your face as you take down a villain. But do you want to know what gets me off every time?"

He nods eagerly, the embarrassment of finishing quickly long forgotten. You crook your finger at him urging him to lean in closer. When his pointy ear was inches from your mouth you whisper, "I think about how you would use your quirk to fill me up until you are the only thing I can feel."

He shoots back and looks at you with a mix of curiosity and horror, "You don't mean. . ."

You nod, "Yeah baby that is exactly what I mean."

His entire face grows bright red, "B-but that is so, so dirty."

"That is why it's so hot."

"What do you say we continue our little game but it will be my turn to say hot or cold?"

"Y-you want me to touch you like that?" He whispered the last word.

"Yeah baby, I want you to touch me like that."

He bites his bottom lip, "What if I mess it up or hurt you?"

"You have nothing to worry about baby, I will be in charge the entire time."

The worry on his face eased a little at your words but you could see he was still fiddling with his fingers.

"Why don't we start off slow?" You suggest, rubbing your hand along his bicep.

"You can put your hands anywhere on me and I will say hot the closer you get to where I want your hand to be."

"What if I touch you somewhere you don't want to be touched?"

"Impossible," you mumble, "There is nowhere I don't want your hands to be."

A high whine left his lips, the sound sending heat flashing through you. Oh, you wanted to ruin him, and you were pretty sure he would let you.

Not wasting any more time you wrap your hand around his wrist and lift it towards your chest, letting him get a feel for your skin. His breathing increased and his eyes grew wide as you dragged his hand up your chest until it rested near your collarbone.

"I am going to drop my hand, remember I will let you know where to touch me, all you have to do is follow my cues.

He nods, barely breathing as you drop your hand from his, leaving him free to explore. He takes a few seconds to compose himself, staring at his hand touching you. His soft cock was already filling again, ready to stand to attention as he carefully dragged his hand down the side of your arm. He looks to you for instructions.

"Cold," you mumble as his hands drift off to your hands. He nods, his fingertips sliding up your arms. Involuntary you could feel goosebumps follow the trail of his fingers. If he ever figured out how much power he held over you, you would be doomed.

His fingers trail up until his hand settles around your neck. "Warm," you groan pushing yourself closer into his hand.

With his first hand occupied his second slips under your shirt, sliding up the soft material until he revealed your chest to his view. You could hear his breathing stop completely as his gaze locked onto your soft peaks.

"Breath Tamaki," you order, "In and out, that's it." You watch his chest rise and fall slowly as if it took intense concentration to remember to breathe.

When his breathing grew steadier his hand reached out and slid up your stomach. "Warmer," you reach out to bunch the blankets in your hands, needing something to keep your hands busy.

His brows furrowed as his long cold finger circled around your areola, watching in amazement as your nipple bunched into a tight peak. "Warmer," you say, needing him to deepen his touch.

Thankfully he seemed to understand what you wanted as his fingers pinched the bud and rolled it. You could not stop the whine from leaving your throat as he flicked his finger against your nipple.

Growing bolder from your reaction Tamaki dipped his head until his mouth was only a breath away from your nipple. Again, his bright purple eyes look up at you for approval.

"Hot baby," you bring your hands to thread through his hair as his lips wrap around the swollen peak, sucking it into his wanting mouth. His cheeks hallow as he takes long drags, his tongue lashing the tender bud resting in his mouth.

Small mewls of approval leave your lips as the hand on your nipple pinches and pulls, a stark contrast from the soft teasing of his mouth. The difference in touch left you reeling, if you thought you were hard before, you were fucking steel now.

"Tamaki," you push his head in closer, wanting more, god you wanted so much more. He strengthens the suck on your nipple until you were sure he was going to leave a mark.

The hand on your nipple leaves and started to trail down the softness of your abdomen, caressing the skin. "Warmer," you moan, hoping they would go where you wanted. And he did, his fingers lift the elastic of your underwear and his palm resting on your length, waiting to be told what to do.

You reach over to the side of the bed and pull out a bottle of lube you had hidden away. You quickly squeeze a generous glob of the liquid onto the head of your cock, watching as it dripped down to Tamaki’s hand." It will make it easier later on,” you explain as he stares at the viscous liquid.

“Oh, ok,” he agrees, unsure what you meant but too excited to care.

One finger slides down your length, tracing a vein before he wrapped his hand around you. You both let out a groan of want as his hand slowly moves up.

The palm of his hand wet itself with your precum, making it easy for his hand to slid down the length of your cock before settling as your base. His other hand raised up to your mouth, you give it an inquisitive look but open your mouth anyways, allowing his dainty fingers to come inside. You swirl your tongue around the digits, wetting them with your spit before letting him pull away.

As his finger dips down toward your entrance you mumble, "Warmer."

He lets out a low groan, sucking harder on your nipple as his finger moves down until it settles on the outside of your hole. In the quiet of your room, you could hear the lewd sounds of his fingers breaching your entrance.

You let out a hiss, surprised he had forced you to take two fingers so quickly but the burn felt so good you let it slide. The fingers inside you twist down and press, you had a rough idea what he was trying to do. “Cold Tamaki.”

The fingers inside you twist around again, blinding looking for your sweet spot. After a few misses attempts you could feel him grow more agitated, his teeth now nibble on the tender bud of your nipple. "Patience baby, move your finger up, just like that, a little to the side- there!"

Your hips lurch up into his hand as his finger finally brushes across your prostate. Your hands in his hair tighten to a bruising hold but he didn't seem to mind, in fact, your reaction drove him even further.

His soft fingers hone in on the spongy tissue, rubbing it gently, a little too gently.

"Harder Tamaki, touch me a little harder."

And the good boy did as he was told. His middle finger pressed down with force, his fingers making a firm coaxing motion. You were feral, having him touch you like this was better than any fantasy your mind had made up to help you get off. There was no comparison to having the real thing.

While his mouth distracted you, the fingers in your ass grow longer and softer. You look down in confusion unsure what was going on only to see purple tentacles now fill you instead of his fingers. One large tentacle wrapped itself around the length of your cock, with one large sucker latching onto the tip of your cock, sucking on it like a mouth.

Your head falls back, too overwhelmed to watch anymore. You could already feel the tight grip you had on your control slipping away. Following the cues of your body, Tamaki used another tentacle to tease around your entrance. It circled around the tight hole, wetting itself in your pre-cum before carefully pushing inside along with the rest, stretching you impossibly wider.

He releases your nipple to watch his tentacles sink deeper inside you. The tightness of you around him would fuel his fantasy for years to come. He had always felt deeply for you but doing something like this with you made everything click into place. There was no one else in the world he would ever want to share this with and being with you for his first time was something he would never forget.

He made sure to move his tentacles up inside you, remembering something Mirio had told him a year earlier about how men’s g-spot is on their ass. It seemed his best friend was right. You bucked wildly into his hand, he could tell you were fighting to keep control of your movements, but he wanted to see you lose control, he wanted to see his Bunny become wild.

So when the sucker around your cock strengthened its pull you had to reach down and frantically pull it away before it tipped you over the edge. Tamaki instantly stops what he is doing and looks at you with eyes full of worry.

"You made me feel so good baby," you praise, pulling him in for a hug. “Too good, I was going to finish right then and there.”

"You really liked it? What I did with my quirk?" he asked weakly.

"Fuck Tamaki I don't think I will ever be able to get myself off without your help," you look down at him, "Nothing could compare to that."

A bright smile spreads across his face, "I am glad I made you feel that good bunny, but why did you make me stop?”

You look down at his body and smile.

His head tilts and he follows your eyes until it lands in his erection. His breath sputters as he tries to wave it away, “Wait, you don’t mean-“

“I want to cum inside you baby.”

“I, you, you want to- “

“Fuck you. Yeah baby I want to stretch that tight ass around my cock and fuck you until you can’t speak.”

His mouth opens but no sounds come out, for a second you worry you have finally pushed him too far but suddenly he snaps back into focus. “Yeah, bunny, I want to d-do that too.”

You give him a relieved smile and get to work. You quickly take off your underwear and have him swing his leg over your lap, positioning him to hover over your waist. You reach down and grab ahold of your throbbing cock still slick from earlier, lining it up with his hole.

With you already being prepared all you had to do was push down on his hips, urging him to sink lower, slowing impaling him with your length. You could feel the tightness of his hole as it resisted your entrance at first, not letting you move forward.

Soft mewls left his lips as he tried to relax and let you in but he could not do it on his own, “Shh baby, it is ok,” you coo, trying to get him to relax.

“I don’t think it is going to fit,” he whines, starting to lift himself up.

“It will work,” you mumble, and pull him in for a kiss. You explore his mouth with your tounge, distracting him until you could feel his hole begin to soften. Not wasting time you thrust your hips up, finally popping past the tight ring of muscle guarding his entrance.

A loud cry rips from his throat as you sink into his heat further, the head of your cock now settled inside him.

You force yourself to look up and meet his eyes and it was beautiful. He was an absolute wreck, already gasping for air and you were not even halfway in. His pupils were blown out, eyes barely focusing until you grab his hair and force him to look down.

“Watch baby,” you coo, “Watch me take you like this. No one but me will ever get to see you like this but me.”

He whimpers but complies, watching you sink in the last few inches. You lean forward and press your lips to his one again, wanting to be surrounded by him. Needing his taste on your tongue. At the same time, you start to lift your hips, admiring the feel of him slipping down onto your cock.

With each rotation of your hip, a new whine filled your mouth as he tried to stay in control. You broke the kiss and ordered, “Put your hands on my shoulders.”

He complied, his fingers digging into your skin and helping to increase the power of each thrust.

“Y-you are so perfect,” Tamaki panted as you rocked your hips forward in time with his. “I never want to be without you.”

“My baby,” you groan, “You are a natural, feel so good around me.”

His breath hitches, you could feel him growing closer, the hands on your shoulders weakening and the trusts becoming more desperate. Wanting to cum together you reach down and grab ahold of his pulsing cock.

“That’s it Tamaki,” you groan, “I want you to cum on my cock.”

Without needing to be told twice his hand came to life spurting three tentacles. The smaller two spread dipped low, gently cradling the weight of your balls with the third latched onto his cock, joining your hand to stroke himself with its slippery ribbed texture.

“Oh fuck,” you cry, your head falling forward to rest in the crook of his neck. You could feel his hole tightening around you, spasming as he grew closer, “Just like that Tamaki, please keep going just like that.”

And as always, he did as he was told. He lifted his hips, riding your cock at the same speed, driving you higher and higher, the tentacles on your balls gently squeezed mercilessly milking the pleasure from your body.

“Ah, god Tamaki, just like that,” you babble, unsure if the words were even able to be understood.

You could feel yourself slipping further away and needed to do something before you embarrassed yourself. You shifted up your hips, changing the angle of your thrusts. The next time your cock plunged inside of him, your length brushes against his prostate.

A beautiful look of shock crossed his face, there was no time to prepare himself before an explosion of pleasure suddenly blasted through him. He could not even cry out as he was swallowed whole by his release.

He convulsed in your arms, his mouth opens in a silent scream as his ass clenched around you, sending you spiraling too. In the middle of your haze, you could make out his hole clenching your cock as you fill him to the brim with your cum. His tentacle still toying with your taunt balls.

No longer able to support himself Tamaki collapses onto your chest, relying on you to stay upright. You wrap your arms around his wairs, pulling him in closer to your chest. He rests his cheek on your pec and you could hear his broken breath as he slowly recovers.

“Wow bunny,” Tamaki says breathlessly, “That was amazing!”

You kiss his sweaty neck weakly, “Yeah baby it was.” You look down to where your bodies were still joined and could already make out some of your cum starting to seep out of him.

“Bunny, I don’t think I can move.”

You laugh, “Oh good, because I don’t think I can either.”

He slouches down even more, “I think I will just lay here for a little bit; you feel so warm.”

You tighten your arm around his waist, holding him close, “Sounds good to me.”

[pancakeke]

Did you get diagnosed with adhd as an adult? I ask because I'm an adult woman of color that can get up and go to work and can kind of interact with people around me, so I feel like I'll never get it

I got diagnosed when I was 29 but looking back I should have been diagnosed when I was in middle school lol. When I sought out a doctor I was technically functioning at my job and home but I was doing piss poor work and was stressed out beyond my limit 100% of the time.

I have a really hard time talking to doctors because I get anxious and forget what I want to highlight a lot so it may be helpful for you as well to list out your struggles and how they are negatively impacting your life. then you have a point by point list your doctor can use to help with diagnosis

for examples, a bunch of stuff I listed:

Work:

I forget to follow up on problem orders constantly, creating larger problems for myself later

I have to keep ridiculous amounts of notes to keep myself on track, but then the amount of notes becomes overwhelming and they become impossible to use

I question my memory at all times which keeps me in a high level of stress and anxiety

After dealing with some extra temporary responsibilities I hit a wall and have not been able to bounce back and do my normal duties very well anymore. Even my boss has noticed that I have had a hard time keeping up and talked to me about it. Nothing has permanently changed with my work, the problem is something with me.

home/personal life

I volunteer to help people with plans often but very quickly forget my responsibilities and only remember when reminded at the the last minute, putting myself in the position where I have to work until 2 or 3am to prepare for what we're doing

often I feel very creative and have the intention to work on home improvement or personal projects but either cant force myself to initiate a plan or after starting a plan I can't focus enough to get remotely close to completing it

along with the above, when actually starting a project it's generally on impulse and as soon as the impulse dies down I cant force myself to continue no matter how hard I try

I create constant messes and always feel disorganized no matter how hard I try to maintain an acceptable living space

I buy things on impulse for personal projects but then can't bring myself to work on the projects, meaning I often waste money on impulse buys that never go anywhere

I have a difficult time remembering to pay bills

General

forgetfulness causes me to accidentally procrastinate almost constantly, always putting me in a position where I have to rush while fueled by anxiety to get anything accomplished.

I basically rely on anxiety to push me to complete anything. if I'm not afraid of failure or causing problems it's almost like tasks don't exist

there isn't a day where one or more of the above things causes me problems.

kind of overboard but you get the idea. take some time over a week or two and note every time your ADHD symptoms affect your quality of life, and also add to your notes that all these things are negatively impacting you on a daily basis (if its true, which I don't doubt it is). If you share any of these problems with me feel free to tell your doctor you know someone diagnosed with ADHD who had the same problems to emphasize that you don't just have generalized anxiety.

My doctor made a copy of my notes to keep on file which I greatly appreciated. I've had a LOT of problems with doctors in the past not taking me seriously for physical problems I had so I'm like extra aware and suspicious of how doctors behave now.

I was genuinely surprised at how serious my doctor took all my issues. She didn't dismiss anything and agreed this sounded like ADHD. I'm white and can't talk to the issue of being POC and trying to get taken seriously by medical professionals but my generic advice is: don't be afraid to fire a doctor who doesn't seem to listen to you or is dismissive of your struggles. You don't even need to tell them they're fired, you can just cancel your next appt right after you make it and then ghost them. I went through 5 doctors (and hundreds of dollars....) getting a physical problem diagnosed once. I seriously wish I'd jumped ship on two of these guys sooner and stopped wasting my time and money on morons who had no investment in my health.

Also if possible, talk to local people you know or check out support groups (there are a lot of various ones on FB. also there may be forums out there for this kind of thing) for POC who struggle with finding doctors who actually listen to them. There may be recs you can use.

One more little bit of advice, if you're more comfortable with video chat than going to see a doctor in person you can do telehealth visits to speak with psychs about mental health issues and even get a diagnosis. It's what I did at first because it was easier to fit into my schedule. The only caveat is they can't prescribe you any medications for controlled substances (like adderall) without seeing you in person at least once. So if they do diagnose you with ADHD you'll have to go see them in person one time to get a prescription.

I always rant when I get asks for advice aaaa but I hope this helps at least somewhat!! If you have any other questions or want to talk feel free to send another ask or DM me!!

[thescarletwitchsapprentice]

A Pure Soul: Nearly Taken (Yandere!Wanda Maximoff x ADD!autistic!reader)

*Not my GIF.

Summary: The day (y/n) comes back to the compound after being told all those nasty things takes a toll on their mental health and self-esteem. Unfortunately it gets to a point that Wanda hoped it would NEVER reach.

Request?: Still none.

Word Count: 3,456

Warnings: Ableism, eugenics mention, r-word slur, attempted suicide, attempted overdose, hurt and comfort.

Notes: This is a sort of “in-between scene” from “A Pure Soul.” The rate of suicide is 3 times higher in autistic people because of the world’s lack of understanding and willingness to accommodate us. Plus being told the world would be better off without you, along with people looking for ways to make sure we’re not born....that’s gonna take a toll. So it makes sense for these feelings to emerge.

=============================================

You know that the world isn’t very kind to the disabled.

You know that the world wishes people like you wouldn’t exist.

But that doesn’t make what happened hurt any less.

You were out shopping when you ran into your best friend from high school. Except....this friend wasn’t the same as you knew them. No, instead they showed you their true colors.

“Oh hey, (y/n),” they said.

Tone has never been your specialty.

“Hey!” you exclaimed happily as you were looking through the books at your local bookstore. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! How are you?”

“Better. How’s the treatment coming along?”

This confused you.

“Treatment?”

They nodded.

“For that disease you call autism.”

This struck a chord, and it struck HARD. How could they say something like that?!

“D-disease?!”

They smirked.

“I mean, it just makes us humans lives harder to be around your kind.”

What?!

“What the hell’s gotten into you?!” you exclaimed. “I thought you were my best friend!”

“Oh?”

They pretended to wrack their brain.

“Oh! Yeah, I was such a great actor in that part. I should get an Oscar. Here’s the tea; I lost a bet and had to be your best friend for those four hellish years. I can’t believe they wanted me to suffer that much.”

Your heart began to crack. It was all....an act?

“You took my high school years away from me, made me miserable. I could’ve won prom royalty, but no one voted for me because I associated myself with your species. I’m glad you’re out of my life now. You’re nothing but a burden and the world would be so much better off without you. Why not do us that favor?”

Your heart shattered. You were so plagued with shock that you didn’t notice them push you to the ground and spit on you before walking away with a satisfied chuckle. For the next few minutes, you couldn’t say or do anything. You were just frozen to the spot, their words bouncing around your head.

Finally you were able to feel both the physical and emotional pain. Pursing your lips, you got up, kept your head down, and quickly left the bookstore, trying not to let the tears fall.

===============================================

In the elevator, heading up to your floor, you can barely form a new thought. All you can think of is that hurtful interaction. 

Burden, your kind, your species, disease....

It all hurt. 

And the worst part is that you can’t help but think that they’re right.

But your thoughts are jolted by the elevator bell. As usual you find the Avengers hanging out in the lounge. Nat and Clint are chatting with Wanda. Tony and Peter are working on homework. You can barely see what the others are doing. 

Almost instantly, Wanda’s eye falls on you. She has a smile on her face, but it falls when she sees you, as she instantly knows that something is wrong. 

“(Y/N)!” she whispers worried.

She rushes over and gives you a gentle hug, but you practically squeeze the life out of her. The other Avengers also come to your aid. 

“What happened?” Wanda asks you.

You gulp as she and Nat lead you to the couch.

“I....” you begin as you sit down. “I was out shopping....and I ran into my best friend from high school....”

You tell them the entire interaction. Shocked looks are nearly all around by the end.

“That’s seriously messed up,” Nat says in a mix of disgust and anger.

The others nod in agreement, except for Wanda. Instead she begins to tear up. 

“My sweet angel,” she weeps softly as she hugs you closer and pets your head. “Oh, my sweet, sweet angel. None of what they said is true, not one bit of it. You’re an absolute joy to have around and you’re one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. You bring so much to the Avengers and to our lives. Autism is not a disease. It’s a part of who you are, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

“Wanda’s right,” Peter nods. “You’re wonderful, (y/n). You’re one of the best friends I could ever ask for.”

“And you bring a lot of new perspectives,” Nat adds. “You came into our lives when we needed you the most, especially Wanda.”

They all take turns giving you words of comfort and encouragement as well as letting you cry. Wanda stays the closest to you, to no one’s surprise, hugging you tightly. Her embrace is exactly what you need right now; so warm and loving. 

Tony, though not the most emotional person, does feel sympathetic and even angered at the person who said that to you; even though you’re on the opposite side of the Accords, he decides to get your favorite food for dinner. It’s not the greatest gesture of sympathy, but it’s definitely something. After that, you take a nice, warm shower and get into some fresh, soft pajamas. Wanda’s waiting for you in your bedroom, and surprises you with some soft socks that match your pajamas.

“I removed the fabric tags too,” she tells you.

Your heart melts a bit more for her. How someone as kind, attentive, and loving as her could ever be considered a terrible person is beyond you. You let her put them on your feet and they feel amazing. You wriggle your toes in them, smiling. 

“You like them?” she asks you.

“I love them,” you giggle before turning to Wanda. “And I love you.”

She smiles and gives you a kiss on the forehead.

“I love you too, my angel.”

The two of you spend the rest of the night together, cuddling up close with one another, watching sitcoms, singing quietly. You doze off in her arms.....

But that doesn’t mean it’s over.....

==============================================

You’re not someone who easily forgets how things make you feel, and what that person said still makes you feel like shit. Now whenever you go out, you’re worried that you’re going to run into them. You keep your guard up and walk as quickly as you can. Every outing feels like a fight for survival, but you try to stay strong so that you don’t bother the others. You try to keep a smile on your face. You need to be strong.....

.....But even the strong reach their limits.

It’s a little after you found out they became catatonic. You’re at a coffee shop, nearly empty, when someone else walks in. It’s a friend of that person. You keep your head low as they place their order; four cups of black coffee, extra hot. Your anxiety is increasing, but you don’t want this person to think you’re weak. You keep your back to them, hearing the door open again. 

The other person is called for their order. Maybe you can finally get out of here.

The next thing you know, you feel something steaming hot being poured down the back of your shirt, on your head, thrown in your face, (which you luckily cover most of with your arms) and splattered on your arms and legs. Standing up, you cry out in pain as you whirl around to see 4 people from high school, among them the friend of your former best friend.

“It’s your fault my best friend can’t function, you retard!” the friend snaps as they push you around roughly.

“No one wants you on this planet,” spits another.

“You’re nothing but a parasite!”

“You just weigh people down!”

“You’re an embarrassment to society!”

“Why don’t you just end this?”

“It’ll be better that way!”

“Your birth was a mistake!”

By this time, you’re hardly a thread’s width away from a meltdown and you look at the cashier for help, but nothing. You try to take out your phone to call for help, but you end up slipping on the coffee, falling to the ground hard and in an odd position, hearing a crack. Pain surges through your body as you look at your arms; burn marks are beginning to form.

After they kick at you for a bit and spit on you, they leave. You look up at the cashier. 

“Why....didn’t you help?” you whimper with a whistle in your voice.

No answer. 

They don’t help you up either. Crawling to the door, you use a nearby booth to bring yourself back up to your feet. Suddenly you feel an intense surge of pain in your left leg, and not just from the burns. You look to see that it’s swollen and turning reddish-purple. You reach into your coat and get out your phone only to discover that it’s dead. Wanda’s going to be worried sick....you hate making her worry, and she’s been worried sick these last few weeks to the point where it’s taking a toll on her; so on the way back, you decide to take one worry out of her life for good.

======================

It’s dark when you get back to the compound. And lucky for you, the elevator is closed for repairs. You limp up the stairs, finally reaching the compound. As quiet as a dust mite, you open the door, biting down on your lips to keep yourself from crying out in pain; unfortunately, your lips took some burn damage as well. Limping to the bathroom, you shut and lock the door. You search the medicine cabinet and find some pills.

“This should do the trick,” you whisper.

You try to quietly position yourself on the floor so that you won’t hit your head. You want to be able to pass as peacefully as possible. But something gives in your left leg and you fall, letting out a loud cry of agony. Realizing your mistake, you quickly fiddle with the lid of the bottle as you hear footsteps rush in. You finally get the lid open and begin to pour out the whole bottle into your hand, hoping to get it in in time--

Click!

The lock turns scarlet, clicks, and the door swings opens. 

“(Y/N)!”

A terrified Wanda immediately snatches the pills and bottle from you with her powers. She makes them disappear before heading to your side, tears already flowing from her eyes.

“My sweet angel.....” she squeaks as she kneels in front of you gently taking ahold of your hands. “I didn’t realize you were feeling this terrible. I’m so sorry things have reached this point.”

You look away guiltily. 

“No, I’m sorry....it’s my fault. I never said....anything. You....you’ve been so stressed these past few weeks....all of you. I didn’t want to make it worse on you, so....I just kept quiet.”

Wanda shakes her head.

“You have nothing to apologize for, (y/n). It can be scary, but there’s no shame in reaching out. We all need help sometimes.”

Other footsteps rush in.

“What happened?” Nat asks. “Did (y/n)---?”

“Almost,” Wanda gulps. “We need to get them to the emergency room.”

“I’m fine,” you lie.

“Are you fine?” Wanda asks.

You realize that it’s pointless to lie, and you shake your head.

“No, I’m not....”

“Then we need to take you to the emergency room.....”

That’s when she sees the burns and leg.

“Especially to treat these.....what happened?”

As they carry you to the car, you tell them about the run-in at the coffee shop, them pouring the hot coffee on you, how they were telling you all of these things, how the cashier did nothing to help, how you heard that crack. Both of them are disgusted and horrified at those monsters.

“I don’t care what they say,” Nat tells you as they get you inside. “I’m glad that you’re here.”

“I am too,” Wanda agrees as she gets in the front seat. “We’re here for you.”

“But.....my autism.....”

Wanda gently takes ahold of your fingers, careful to avoid the burns.

“My angel.....I can only imagine how isolating it feels to be in a world that’s not made for you, but your autism is part of who you are. It’s what makes you unique. If the world refuses to accommodate for people like you on their own, we’ll help them to see that they need to, and we’ll help advocate with you.”

Nat nods as she starts the car up and the three of you head for the ER.

“I....I feel selfish worrying you like this and even attempting....I just thought....you’ve been so stressed and I thought it’d be better to take one worry out of your life.”

“You have nothing to feel selfish about,” Wanda assures you. “What you did wasn’t selfish. You’re in pain, and wanting to do something to stop that pain isn’t selfish. But there are better ways to deal with the pain, and I want to help you with those. (Y/N), I can say with 100% certainty that I’m glad to have you in my life, through the good and the bad.”

Tears flow down your face as the three of you silently drive to the ER.

=============================================

It takes several hours for you to be treated, along with a few more hours of consultation for your mental health. Some of the burns are treated through surgery, so you have to stay for a little over a week to make sure you recover and stabilize. Your leg is put in a cast, and Wanda comes to visit you everyday. You feel much better with her and Nat.

A psychologist comes in to discuss a safety plan with you. You decided to ask Wanda if she’d come and discuss it with them. She said yes and Nat also decided to help. You all work out what works in terms of coping mechanisms, people you can talk to, calming techniques, etc,. The psychologist also recommends regular counseling. Wanda asks if there are any remote options for counseling, as it’s going to be difficult for you to get there with your leg, (Also, she’s a little worried that the therapist might try to take you away from her, but she does show concern for your leg) and to her relief, there is. 

You’re discharged after about a week, but you’re not to be left alone for a few days to another week or two, just to be sure. Well, it’s more of Wanda’s recommendation than psychologist’s orders, but the psychologist also thinks that that could be a good idea. You’re not really complaining; it’s more time to spend with Wanda. And she’s certainly not complaining either.

For that time, especially, she makes sure you know that you’re loved, wanted, valued. She practically dotes on you; as if she hadn’t been doting on you before, she’s especially pampering you now. The other Avengers also get the 411, and decide to help. If you need pain or sleep medications, one of them brings the proper dose to you. They take turns spending time with you and getting to know you more. If they need to go out on a mission, Wanda volunteers to stay with you, but if she’s absolutely needed there, she entrusts your care to Vision, a robot who’s exceptionally caring. You and Wanda regularly discuss possibly adding him to the relationship, but you’re not sure if she’s being serious or not. 

On one night, Wanda’s caring for you. After applying the prescribed cream on your burns, she helps you find an oversized t-shirt to wear as PJs. 

“This one’s softer than the others,” you note.

“I went looking for a shirt with a softer material than normal,” she tells you as she prepares a small dose of melatonin for you, one that you’ve been taking to combat the nightmares of those events in the hospital. “I know how much it tends to make you feel discomforted if there is one. I also made sure it was a tagless shirt.”

You smile and sigh.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve an angel like you, Wanda,” you tell her.

Hearing this she smiles and blushes.

“If anyone’s the angel, it’s you,” she says as she gives you the melatonin. “You’ve been there for me even when I’m at my absolute worst.”

“So have you.”

You take the melatonin before Wanda brings you your toothbrush and toothpaste. You brush thoroughly before spitting it into a cup that Wanda disposes of. 

“You know, I could go to the bathroom and do this myself,” you tell her kindly.

“I know,” she sighs. “I’m just worried, my angel.”

“What if I wash my face tonight with the door open?” you suggest.

Wanda gives this a little thought and nods. 

“I can work with that.”

Using your crutches, you walk to the bathroom where you sit on a stool in front of the sink. You wash and dry your face before heading to the bed with Wanda helping you get tucked in.

“You’re seriously an angel,” you tell her. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone outside of my family that’s been as concerned about my well-being as you.”

“And you’re too sweet,” she smiles again as she finishes getting ready for bed herself. “If anyone’s the undeserving, I don’t deserve you.”

“No, it’s the other way around,” you say.

“No, I’m certain I’m right.”

You giggle.

“Wanda, if we try to prove one right over the other, we’ll be going at this all night.”

She smiles as she goes over to the other side of the bed. 

“Well, I know you’re an angel,” she tells you as she gets under the covers. “You came to me in a dark time, and you shone a beam of sunlight through the shadow.”

The two of you look at each other as the fairy lights hang above you. Of course you’re looking at the bridge of her nose, but you can’t help but glance up at her eyes a few times; one time they catch you, and they are stunning. They’re like emeralds to you; vivid, entrancing, mystical. Just a single glance, and you know there’s so much to know about, so much to discover, and you become lost in them. 

“I’m so proud of you, (y/n).”

Wanda’s gentle voice echoes against your eardrums and dances around your mind, soothing you into drifting even more. But then she boops you on the nose, making it twitch like a bunny’s and snapping you out of your trance.

“Huh?” you ask, looking lost.

Wanda giggles.

“You are too cute,” she tells you. “I was saying that I’m so proud of you for pushing through all of this. It’s not the easiest thing to do, and.....well.....I’m glad you’re still alive, my sweet little sunbeam.”

You blush upon hearing this and turn away, but Wanda gently redirects your face forward.

“There’s no need to hide, my angel. I want to see your lovely face.”

At that moment, you begin to feel drowsy and bring yourself closer to her.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough, Wanda,” you sigh.

She brings you in closer and you melt into her embrace.

“Being with you, and you being safe and happy and alive.....that’s the only thank you I need.”

Leaning in, she kisses you gently on your forehead and you shyly return one on her cheek. 

“Goodnight, my angel,” she tells you as she brushes a strand of hair out of your way.

“Wait,” you say as she turns to switch the lights off. “Will....will you sing me those lullabies again? Please?”

“Of course,” she smiles. 

Turning the lights off, she returns to embrace you and softly sings the Sokovian lullabies her parents used to sing to her. As you drift off to sleep, you don’t know what’s going on in her mind. What’s going on with her mind? Her master plan, of course. Tonight’s the night she will finish what she started. Those monsters at the coffee shop messed with the wrong person. For the past few nights, she’s been paying them visits, doing the same things she did with your former best friend, and sending subconscious suggestions for them to gather in one place, thinking they’d be safer together. And now they have.

Tonight she’s going to make sure their minds are gone for good, but not before making them feel the pain and agony she imagines you felt. Her anger with them is in full throttle, so it’s going to be even worse for them. Telekinesis, fear projection, hypnosis, inducing extreme fear, she’ll do whatever she has to. Wanda will not leave until they’re nothing more than hollow husks, shadows of their former selves. With how they’d been acting on those nights, and how much Wanda has done so far, it won’t take too long. 

Because no one-and she means no one-gets away with hurting her precious angel.......ever.

[system-of-a-feather]

As a fellow aspd tendency alter( if that makes any sense) how is your relationship with your fiancé? I want to get into a relationship, along with my systemmates but I’m afraid I’ll “mess it up” and a lot of people I see talk about how they would never want a relationship with someone with aspd And so it’s just difficult to see myself in a healthy relationship as a system and someone with aspd tendency’s so any advice you’d be willing to give?

It's... interesting to say the least. To be honest our fiance has thick skin and knows he can and when to call us - specifically me out. He's kinda my "safe" person who I respect enough to call me out when I'm on my bullshit and might not be aware since I'm extremely egosyntonic when I'm on my ""pisser"" as I call it; ie a high ASPD symptomatic flare up and so I don't really notice it until afterwards and I have to clean up my own mess; so I do appreciate him being able to - for a lack of better words - reality check and reflect on if what I want is what I want or me running off of my ASPD bullshit.

Largely my best attempt is to be straight up real from square one with how You Are™. It absolutely might scare / push some people away, but it also will function to remove people that either 1) do not have the "bandwidth" to work through the lows that are inevitable and 2) judgey assholes that would end up forcing you to repress your shit in ways that aren't productive, because at least in my experience, trying to hide the ASPD only makes it 50000x worse.

Cause you have to be a bit real, with any Cluster B (PD in general, but we have limited personal + second hand experience with others beyond OCPD and don't feel as confident talking about it), there will be lows and hard patches and for some, that fluctuation will be too much - an unfortunate but valid incompatibility to have. With that said, there are definitely people who can and are more than willing / capable to work with those so don't take that too discouraging. The only thing is that to avoid it being a shock or them finding out late in the relationship that you are "too much™", just be upfront about it and explain and try to be communicative to the best of your ability about how it works for you and generate a sense of rapport, trust, and understanding on how and where this comes from.

Our fiance already dealt with two other alters that have ASPD tendencies a bit before me and so when this system started dating hi he already had some experience with parts being *like that* but honestly when I came around I made our most antisocial parts look like they were Saint Teresa and he jokingly states that he "had to adapt to and accept that he was dating a would-be-terrorist" with how I talk, my impulses and my highly opinionated and extreme political takes.

I honestly also operate on a 0 masking policy with people I like and get along with cause I don't have the time or energy to be feigning shit with people I like, so I still do say and voice my fantasies / thoughts / impulses of some of the most batshit, asshole, low empathy, violent and arguably illegal bullshit; the key thing though is that he has built a large understanding on how the whole ASPD tendency stuff works for me as well as a trust / rapport with me that he can trust that it is very very unlikely that I will actually go about doing this because so long as I am "emotionally sober" and not on my "pisser", then I do very much value him and our system BEFORE any high that I could get from chaos, violence, or impulse that I have.

I think in a way he might actually find that almost endearing in nature from me but, thats beside the point.

TLDR, be honest with yourself, be honest with them, be transparent and self reflective about why and how your tendencies work and try to explain them if you can (or have another alter if you struggle and trust one with it) so that when things flare up they have the ground work to understand why you are the way you are and how to help you down regulate rather than escalate.

Cause personally for me, if I am denied the ability to self express in the slightest, I tend to rapidly escalate, so its very important for me - in close relationships - to be able to say things without them being taken too seriously because by saying shit, I DRASTICALLY reduce the likeliness Ill say it; plus it also comes with the benefit that he can pretty reliably know that I don't bullshit or lie to him, cause I don't hide my cards much at all.

You kinda just gotta find someone who has the right compatibility and bandwidth to deal with the highs and lows and personally just keep an eye out for yourself and be communicative about how you work to the best of your ability.

But also to answer the first question, I actually have a great relationship with our fiance. I think I worry him sometimes and stress him a bit with how I am, but nothing more than how other parts with their own issues do. We also have our own different form of romance and attachment / affection because I don't really experience love and attachment the same way others do (not sure if Id be counted aromantic, but my attachment methods are heavily broken and warped ngl) but that doesn't devalue or diminish the positivity and genuinity of our relationship.

-XIV