#i push myself beyond my limits to the point i mess myself up | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jals-stuff · 1 year ago

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Hihi! First of all I LOVE your writing and thank you for feeding us hungry Orter fans with your work (I have been STRAVING for his fic) so if you don't mind, I have a little request! So I imagine in a what if Orter has a crush on someone (aka us and ofc we gotta like the sandman back) who's always on a dangerous mission due to how strong they are who is ALSO his partner time to time and one day, they just went into a coma from overusing their magic. MAYBE when they woke up, the two will confess to each other or?? Idk I will let you cook 🧑‍🍳

(Sorry if my wording is a little confusing!)

good day/evening anon! your wording is just fine no worries

first of all, thank you SO much, this brightened my day by a lot, you have absolutely no clue what kind of serotonin torrent you have unleashed. I am glad at least some people like my writings, that's why I'm doing it.

I don't think this is 100% close to what you described, but I hope you'll like it regardless-

Should be gn!reader if I didn't mess it up...

warnings: SLIGHT SPOILIES, bit dark, mentions of death, bit of despair... not proofread I am so sorry.

word count: 2.8k

note: I apologise for any dumb mistakes because I physically cannot proofread myself at 6am but if I don't post it now I won't do it ever. please don't hate me anon

What if...

As much as he hates to admit it (to himself, of course), Orter had grown a little bit too fond of you. The way you greet him whenever you come back from a mission, or the way you always make sure to respect the rules and act logically while also protecting everyone around you when the two of you would go on missions together.

The way you whine when your legs are tired after walking long distances, the way you always bring him a little something to eat when you know it’s going to be a long trip. You’ve always been good to everyone, much opposed to the cold man; but it wasn’t the only difference between the two of you.

Everyone has their own logic and, as much as you respected your own, his was quite different. While you wanted to take every single possibility into consideration, he preferred not to overload his mind with useless statistics and just think of a solution when the time comes.

However, a lot of things aren’t affected by logic, such as feelings, and how could the dense sandman guess that you were absolutely enamoured with him? These were variables he would’ve never imagined, even though he was painfully into you as well.

Of course, he was your top priority, and protecting him from harm even though he was a rather powerful mage was of the utmost importance. He should’ve known that when the two of you recklessly charged into enemy territory in an attempt to weaken the devil’s quintuplets before they would be on the move.

Orter was a man of many things, but “what if''s were not part of his usual reasoning, and that was the biggest mistake of his life. However he only realised it too late when you had to break your own limits to make sure he’d go back safely. It was time to retreat, but the two of you had been completely cornered.

Having a dormant god inside of your wand had many benefits, but Psyche was not an entity to be trifled with. The Soul Goddess would, each time you requested even a fraction of her power, take a huge toll on your stamina and sanity, and this time it was more than critical.

You were already exhausted from using so much of your mana, and now you were completely surrounded by Innocent Zero's sons. Unleashing your Psyche Inclination and ordering all of the quintuplets to sleep immediately surpassed your own boundaries.

You knew what would happen if you pushed beyond your limits with your personal magic, but it was completely worth it. After all, what was the point of living anymore if the only person you loved was dead?

All of them were immensely powerful, and neutralising such strong enemies was not a meagre task. As soon as the last one fell to the ground in blissful slumber, you felt something rupture inside of you; like a used rope that suddenly lets go, your breath hitched and you collapsed to the floor.

It was all pitch black, and your consciousness kept you company just long enough to let you hear Orter’s panicked voice calling out for you. Yet somehow, despite the fact that you were falling into the pitch-black abyss, you felt relieved that he, above everything and everyone, was safe.

But anything beyond the confines of your darkened mind was unknown to you and despite your multiple attempts to open your eyes and wake up, everything went silent.

“No, no no…”

Had you been awake, you would’ve been astonished at how Orter had never been that distressed before, at least not in front of you. The loss of his dear friend Alex Elliot had taught him a painful lesson not to get attached to anyone and to simply stick to the rules, but he had let himself fall for you, and now he was experiencing the trauma once more.

“Please, no… not them…”

Not only were you unconscious, you had done this to yourself for his sake. He was aware of that fact; had you not decided to literally put yourself through such an ordeal, the two of you would be dead already.

But unlike his deceased junior, your heart was still beating and there was still time to save you. He had never run so fast in his entire life, carrying you carefully in his arms to bring you back to the Bureau’s infirmary, laying you down as gently as he could as the nurses rushed to assess your state.

You weren’t hurt, so to say, but the abusive usage of your personal magic had plunged you into a coma, and it was unsure if you would ever wake up from it.

It looked like you were peacefully asleep, maybe dreaming of a better place you would possibly join soon; unmoving and slowly breathing, as if nothing had happened. Orter knew you could possibly open your eyes anytime, and it kept him distracted every time he would fill his paperwork or go on a mission.

Whenever he had free time, he would rush to the infirmary to check on you, make sure you’re still breathing, or even talk to you. It could help you come back to your senses, or so the nurses said, and as ridiculous as he felt when he talked to your inert body, he would’ve done anything in his power to bring you back, as slim as the chances were.

But then it suddenly hit him. What could he possibly tell you if you ever woke up? He would for sure apologise, but other than that? How could he face you after you had quite literally sacrificed yourself for him? He wasn’t even sure he could look into your eyes again.

Did you resent him for this?

Would you forgive his recklessness?

Would you give him this warm smile he had gotten so used to?

And would it be time for him to finally admit his feelings? You were right here, in front of him, yet you weren’t there. He missed you so dearly, the sound of your voice, the shit eating grin you’d give him whenever he was wrong and you were right, the way you’d laugh at his disgruntled expression afterwards…

All of these interactions he thought annoyed him were now severely missed and he would’ve given anything to even just see the colour of your eyes one more time.

And see he didn’t, for what seemed to be an eternity. Everyday, when he’d come to visit you, a small part of him hoped your eyes would be open and you’d greet him the way you always did, but every time, he was met with your inanimate form, comfortably laid in the infirmary bed.

His hope of hearing your voice ever again gradually vanished with every one-sided conversation he had with your unconscious figure, swallowing down his emotions with every word he said. He was slowly accepting the fact that you might just never open your eyes again.

The more this thought settled into his mind, the more desperate he grew, and suddenly, his usual mindset faded away and his brain filled with “what if”s.

What if he had taken some time to listen to your suggestions, what if he had thought of a plan B like you always had? What if he had ever told you about his feelings, what if you loved him back? What if you didn't? What if you never woke up?

Dread took over on his other emotions and suddenly, it wasn’t hope that drove him to visit you everyday; it was despair. What if you never opened your eyes again? How could he ever live with your presence replaced by this horrifying feeling of guilt for letting you die in his place?

You were surely powerful enough that you could’ve ran away on your own, and left him behind if needed; it would’ve been the logical, reasonable thing to do. But the heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. Of course, he should’ve known that you would never leave him behind, but precisely because it was completely illogical, it never occurred to him that you would willingly let yourself be hurt if he had a chance to make it out alive.

Now he was sitting at your bedside and kept hoping you’d wake up, just open your eyes and talk to him, greet him and say everything was going to be fine, just the way it was before… it seemed like he hadn’t heard your voice in an eternity, and it was weighing on him the whole time. Like a burden he would have to carry forever if you didn’t wake up from this coma you had put yourself into for his own sake.

His eyes never left your figure as he spoke to you kindly, as if you were still awake. Of course, occasional visitors would look at him like he was a lunatic, talking to someone who was obviously not here to answer, but it didn’t matter to him anymore.

Orter was ready to abandon his image for your sake, sometimes even skipping work and breaking his own principles so he could hold your hand for another minute before going on yet another perilous mission.

The thought of you dying peacefully in your sleep haunted his mind every single day, and his sorrow was great enough that, more than once, he did consider exhausting himself enough so he would be defenceless enough for an enemy to just take him out of his misery.

For weeks, months, his mind was plagued with the thought of you leaving him forever, of not being able to tell you about these feelings he thought were completely unnecessary. Shame and rejection didn’t even matter to him anymore and he just longed for the day you’d wake up and even just look at him.

He was on a mission, the day he heard that one of your fingers had merely twitched. Breaking protocol was far from his usual behaviour, but he needed to see you. That is how he accidentally drowned an entire area in sand, catching both enemies and harmless monsters in his Antlion’s Nest.

The rules didn’t matter to him anymore, it was a physical need to see if you were okay and to maybe, just maybe hear your voice.

However, he walked in on something completely different. Many of the other Divine Visionaries were gathered around you in religious silence, observing you. He had to push through the crowd and his heart stopped for a second when he saw you.

You were sitting up in your bed, slightly confused as to why everyone was staring like this. For you, mere seconds had passed but in reality it had been literal months. As your eyes travelled amongst the crowd, you saw Orter, who was also staring at you in utter disbelief.

The infirmary was completely silent, and no one was moving, as if time had suddenly stopped. Ryoh threw a glance at the others and they just silently left. Now it was just you and Orter, looking at each other in both confusion and shock. He stumbled towards the chair that was resting near your bed and he slowly took a seat.

“Well… you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Upon hearing your voice, he let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding. It was like all of his burdens were suddenly lifted off his shoulders and his head and arms simply collapsed against the mattress, much to your confusion. You raised your hand to reach for his hair and upon seeing how your nails had grown so much, you realised something probably happened.

“It’s been months! I thought you’d never wake up! I thought I wouldn’t hear your voice ever again. Why on Earth would you do such a thing? No, no... it was all my fault. I'm sorry, (Y/N), I'm so, so sorry.”

He sounded angry, but he really wasn’t. You started connecting the dots and it took you a bit of time to understand that you had been unconscious for the past few months, worrying the poor sandman to death, though right now it didn’t matter at all.

“I’m glad you’re alive, Orter.”

Although you had been unconscious for literal months, seeing the Desert Cane unharmed was such a huge relief for you. However, not everything was swell inside his mind. He still felt extremely guilty that you nearly died for him, and nothing could possibly pay back this humongous debt he thought he owed you.

But seeing his relieved expression when he looked at you was enough of a payback. He had watched you wither away for months and now you were finally back to the world of the living, eyes focused on him and him only.

You tried to stand up but as soon as your arms attempted to lift your form, they gave out and you started losing balance. Orter immediately stood up from his chair to catch you, wrapping his arms around your now weak body to support you, but even after you were back to your spot, he wouldn’t let go. He simply sat on your bed next to you, not letting go.

Almost out of instinct, you rested your head on his shoulder and let out a long sigh, your arms raising up slightly.

“Please, just rest, you must be really exhausted.”

But his words just didn’t reach you, you needed this. After a while and a lot of effort, you managed to rest these weak arms of yours against his shoulders, on the sides of his neck, and he fell silent. You had no strength at all but he could feel you use all of your willpower to embrace him, and you also seemed like you wouldn’t let go.

He seemed fine with it as he slightly nuzzled your neck and closed his eyes, finally relaxing a little after this emotional rollercoaster. It felt so comfortable to finally be in his arms after such a long time spent longing for him, as if you were finally where you belonged.

“I missed you.” Orter said quietly, close to your ear. His arms tightened around and you would've probably cried hadn't you been so exhausted. Your words were stuck in your throat and you could only nod and hum softly, your voice cutting inside your throat.

His arms tightened around you further, holding you into a comforting hug, one of his hands gently going through your hair and keeping your head close to him. You exhaled again, wanting nothing more than to keep holding him.

“Just don't let go. Please.”

Your voice was muffled by his embrace but you were close enough to his ear for him to understand your words, and you could've sworn you heard his breath hitch for a second as his arms tightened even harder around you.

“I won't.” He sighs into your neck, comfortably seated on the side of your bed, and you wanted nothing more than to lay back down and have him hold you, but you were still in the infirmary and it would've been very problematic to be seen like this.

“I won't, ever. I can't.” He held you even closer now, like he was trying to merge with you, your chest and his pressed against each other as if to share your heartbeats.

Although you had never seen Orter being this close with anyone before, it all felt very natural. Just like the way his hand slid from your hair to your cheek, like the way he moved away from you slowly, his usually cold gaze now soft and filled with something you weren't quite used to.

Just like the way he couldn't take it any longer and gave in to the physical urge to softly press his lips to yours. You didn't pull away, of course; the moment too precious to let surprise ruin it.

You returned the kiss, your eyes now closed to take in the pleasant, wholesome warmth his embrace brought to you, after you'd been so cold for literal months.

As nothing lasts forever, your lips and his slowly separated, but his eyes were now on yours again.

“I won't let you fall again, (Y/N), I promise.”

You couldn't help but give a soft chuckle and his expression turned slightly puzzled. Of course, you two didn't share the same braincells.

“I've already fallen too hard.” You breathed out.

His eyes widened for a second before he regained his composure and brushed a few hairs away from your face to place them behind your ear.

“Then I guess we’re both down now.” he finally admitted, his expression just a little softer and his lips almost curved into a smile.

You were suddenly thankful for Orter holding you so close, lest your heart would've jumped out of your chest.

“I love you, just… in case it wasn't clear enough.” He awkwardly added, and you thought it was just adorable. Another chuckle escaped you with a nod.

“I know. I love you too.”

He hummed softly and sighed deeply in relief.

That was one “what if” finally satisfied, and probably the first of a long list.

#mashle x reader #orter madl #orter mádl #mashle #mashle magic and muscles #orter mádl x reader #orter madl x you #orter x reader #mashle orter #orter madl x reader

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myhatisblue · 21 days ago

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Part 5, time to retire and return to the grave.

I’ve gotten into this routine, normally starting with expanding my senses, and ending with me sprawled out on the floor. When I fucked up I woke up surronded by blood with a splitting head ache bad enough to make me sick for hours on end. Other times were nicer and I just ended up hating being alive. The feedback hits harder now that I’m pushing myself further, but I’ve also gotten better at stepping back when I hit that imaginary limit.

I can’t say how long it's been, the hours and days just blend together. It’s gotten to the point where Ken’s started to remind me to eat and drink. It’s just hard to think about, Yeah, the supply drops are a good reminder on their own, but they’re spaced out seemingly randomly. I started stacking the boxes but eventually they’d all disappear one at a time leaving their contents on the ground.

So I started tying the flags I got to the tree, figuring that might help track things. It even seemed to work well for a while, but after I’d reached more than 50 flags, I had to stop counting how many there were. It hurt my brain to think about how long it’d been at that point. Knowing the exact number just gave a value to how long I’d been struggling. One that embodied every failure and pathetic attempt. A point of pride that slowly became a source of unending dread.

Eventually I figured out that I was just hitting the same stopping points over and over. I needed to change something. So I ended up stepping away from it for a while helped clear my mind. I ended up using the time as an excuse to improve my living arrangements. For a bit there I was just sleeping in a bed haphazardly placed in the middle of the pavement. It had been fine for a while, till this place deceived it wanted to be windy as hell. I still don’t get a say in any of that, I guess I don’t understand wind enough to influence it, and stopping it completely feels unnerving. Guess I’ve gotten spoiled by having it, but it was motivation to get a shelter built.

It did cross my mind to try and recreate my real house here. Though the grudge hiding out there made my already paranoid feelings about tying outside memories to this place worse. Sure it hadn’t made any moves yet, but I also hadn’t left the area I’d claimed. So I kept it simple, I could already make flooring, and what was a wall but a floor that goes horizontal instead of vertical.

I built my ‘home’ under the tree facing the sea. May as well get the best view out of all this. I went in knowing I had to make it far larger than I’d need, breaking the floor was a pain in the ass. Too much room was better than not enough.

I ran into a bit of a problem after I’d made that cement box since I hadn’t really prepared for it to have a door. Honestly I had a hell of a time trying to make something to break some of it down. First I tired smashing it down with a huge fucking bone, but that just led to it shattering and leaving a few scratches, then I made a chair and that just really covered it in blood after it quickly broke. So I figured hey, maybe I’d be able to make a sledge hammer using some smaller floors shaped as needed. The problem with the first attempt was that I’d made it on top of the cement platform. So no matter what I did I couldn’t seem to snap it off that foundation. I tried changing the bottom of it back into meat. That alone took far more effort than I wanted to admit and it was just a tiny section, and after I’d managed it the entire thing just melted away in a bloody mess. I was pissed beyond belief at the but still glad I didn’t try that on the wall, the size and thickness of it made it a far more daunting idea than I would have predicted.

The solution ended up being making my hammer on top of the fleshy bits since it needed contact with the meat to form. It may have lacked the same level of hardness when compared to what was built on top of the cement, but it was possible to disconnect and pick up.

It raised a lot of questions about how the flooring and walls worked and built themselves. Some were answered when I smashed down part of the wall to make the door. There were a few inches of cement but the center was meat. The smashed bits turned into gore as expected, but the inner bits I could just order to move away. I cleaned up the edges but kept the middle exposed and used that to make a retractable door. I was kinda impressed with myself and even repeated the process for some windows! Sure it was still just a cement box but hell I was pleased with myself. With the proven furniture set I’d mastered, it wasn’t half bad inside either. Although it still felt empty, It’d been made futureproof.

Since the house work wasn’t eating up my time anymore, and I still didn’t feel like going back to my other goal yet. I started climbing the colossal tree and placing the flags higher and higher as a fun way to pass time. That, running, and swimming had me in a better state than I’d been in years. Training had strangely become an important factor when extending my senses. One of the bigger hills I had to conquer was how easy it became to lose track of the real me. I’d ended up in nothingness a few times, and it always fucked me up for more than I’d like to admit. That was just another thing that forced me to take some time away from my advances. Exercising had ended up being the way I could counter that, the pain of well worked muscles made me far more aware of myself. It wasn’t the end all be all answer but it was the only thing I could come up with that didn’t involve a degree of self harm. After all, if shit hurts I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to forget what part was the real me. The pain ended up taking away from the intense focus I needed so it didn’t even end up being worthwhile. All it probably did was raise a lot of red flags for my audience…

I did try to soften how bad I must have seemed to my observers after that. I left notes for myself in blood on the pavement. It started as a thing I only did when I was recovering from a real hard fuck up. I was already a crimson mess, and started to figure that I may as well do something useful with it… It worked sure but just like counting the flags, there's something deeply damaging to the brain seeing those mad ramblings just grow and grow. Too many failures, moments of desperation, and anxiety all tracked and left to fester. The breakdown that eventually hit came like an earthquake, hundreds of spikes of bone shot through the pavement all around me. It all shattered and returned to the gore it was birthed from. Only then did the spires split open and flowers of cursed flesh unraveled themselves from the spikes' internals. The blooming field devoured everything I’d learnt, my grand plans, and inevitable failures.

Looking back I still don’t know how I’d managed it, emotions have power like memories I guess. I let out too much at once, and ended up sick for a while after that… I wasn’t capable of getting up, I don’t think my thoughts were sharp enough to remember how to move. Ken did manage to drag me back from the collapse my brain went through, just like he always seemed to… He’s gotten terrible at hiding how worried he is about me. Or maybe I was just worse off than I’d ever been, I’m still not sure.

More time passed… A fun change had happened. As if responding to my attempts at outward control, the land is starting to be altered in small ways. There were far more eyes among the mixture of organs and bones. I could even see out of them, if they were far enough away. Except for one thing… When I tried looking through one close to where my missing eye was, it just wouldn’t work… There was only darkness, and a sharp pain deep within my eye socket. I’d caught Ken chuckling a few times when I tried just making and fitting a new one in there. So it was kinda safe to say his ownership of that eye was a little more complex. I did try and beg him to let me just have it back, but the asshole just said ‘you can’t take back a gift once you’ve given it.’ Fucking off almost instantly and leaving me cursing him again.

Every step he takes towards being an alright guy he takes one back and flips me off. It’s annoyingly hard to be upset at the same time… He’s pulling his own weight here, at least when it comes to making sure I don't die or get brain damage too bad. The suffering shit he went on about seemed to only be fine if it’s on his terms, or I have a fair shake at stopping it.

I made myself comfortable in the middle of that fucked up flower field. It all bursted outwards from me, so there was a nice circle in the middle that was empty. There I molded flesh there into a chair, well I mean I said chair ended up looking more elaborate than I was aiming for. It was closer to a goddamn throne. What a stupid fucking joke, Ken had popped into existance among the flowers at some point so I assumed he must have messed with things.

I sighed and sat down planting my feet down on the flesh, I already felt myself starting to reach outwards but pulled back. I wanted to stay in that moment, really ground myself to where I was. Feeling the air in lungs, running my hands through my hair, and just taking everything in. My hair has gotten longer than it’s ever been and it was also greasy as hell. I might have water but it couldn’t compare to how I remember soap feeling. I see myself in the reflections in the water, sure but… would anyone even recognize me anymore? Not that I kept up with many people outside of my co-workers, and… Nah, I’ve got an excuse to break things off, it’s better to let anyone who may have cared think I just fell off the face of the earth. Isn’t far from the truth after all. Huh, what’s made me so nostalgic today? I guess I don’t think much about myself, at least not till someone else points out a problem.

“Looks like you’re real deep in thought’

Ken was now sitting on the arm rest, not looking at me, just staring outward into the flowers. I can’t help but assume he altered the seat into a throne just for his own dramatics.

“You made it a throne didn’t you?”

“Do you think I could do that?”

“Probably.”

“Maybe I did then, you did call yourself the king of roaches after all so it’s not like it’s out of nowhere.”

“Huh, when?”

“When you were talking to that creepy chick in white.”

“...I don’t remember saying that though.”

“Maybe not outloud, but you did.”

“Urgh I could have gone the rest of my life not remembering that, I also kinda wish you never confirmed the fact you could hear my thoughts.”

“How is that a surprise? And I couldn’t hear a bunch of it or what she said, but I got that part.”

“Shocked you managed to keep that one to yourself for so long. Seems like way too juicy a topic for you to just leave for that long.”

“It’ll be funnier later, I can’t burn all my ammo at once.”

“...?”

“What's with you and plants anyways.”

Ugh changing the topic again, what the fuck did that even mean? It’s not like I actually said it outloud. I rubbed my temples and just let it go, there’s no point trying to pry more from him.but

His question about plants was pretty good though… not that I have a hard answer to it.

“I dunno, maybe it’s related to wanting to get outside? The easiest connection to being ‘outside’ is like nature and shit I guess? I’m not doing it on purpose, so really your guess is as good as mine.”

“Maybe humanity has its own primal nature that’s never gotten a chance to shine.”

“Can’t say that I’ve ever put much thought into being human, it’s just the default setting.”

“Is it for you now though?”

“...It has to be. The other options are a pile of shit.”

He turned his body around and rested his elbow on my head, having enough manners to let his hand hang on the side of my empty eye.

“Don’t put so much thought into a shitty one off question. You really need to relax more.”

“Right, I can make blankets now. We could have a picnic, enjoy a few mre’s and some jerky. Take a swim, see how far the ocean goes, live a real good life.”

“Or you could just push a little further, and bear the pain that comes.”

“What?”

“You’re getting close.”

“God don’t fuck with me like that when I’m about to dive in again.”

“I’m not.”

“Kenneth?”

He didn’t answer right away he just smiled before he asked;

“What would you do first when you get out?”

“You’re actually curious about that?”

“I am.”

“When I get out huh… I’d order a pizza and have a warm shower while I waited for it to show up. Take a nap afterwards in my actual bed. Get up in the morning and buy a shit ton of groceries and a carton of cigarettes. I’d make something cooked low and slow, a roast maybe? Let the smell really fill the house, it’d give me time to smoke, watch tv, catch up on what I missed. Could eat leftover pizza if I got hungry, microwaved nice and warm. Make mashed potatoes, gravy peas, carrots everything you're supposed to do for family dinner. Eat so much and maybe have ice cream waiting for dessert, and top it off with another shower…”

“There’s a lot about food there.”

“Used to be a cook, just some little place that did a lot of steak and seafood. Wouldn’t be surprised if it closed by now. Wouldn’t make any of that shit at home, but in general I enjoy the process when it’s on my own terms.

“Here I thought I was a Mills expert, and I had no idea.”

The smile that had crept on Ken’s face faded slowly.

“You know they’ll be waiting…”

“Yeah… I doubt they’d let me go shopping on my own, but I kept my other requests pretty doable even if I’m under watch… I’ll just have to convince them to give me a day or two to get it done.”

“Ha...You’ve gotten good at one-sided conversations for an audience, we don’t even know if they can hear for sure.”

“It’s gonna fuck me up during normal conversations, I’m going to be repeating shit people say alot before spitting out an answer…”

“You’ll figure it out... Now just one more test to pass Mills. Oh…

You know integrity is a pretty good word, you might want to remember it this time.”

“Integrity? What are you even-”

I should have expected it, I was suddenly alone again. How the fuck was the word integrity related to anything? It was a hint for something but what?

As if ignoring me and everything else, flowers around me were softly blowing in the wind. They were fucked up in more ways than I could count but still there was a strange otherworldly of beauty to them. Really what is with me and plants, I’ve never gardened before or anything like that… Ugh, It’s better than the alternative, maybe I should just be happy with that.

It was time to get back on track, I’d delayed it for long enough. Like I’d always done I closed my eyes, and started looking for the single object here I knew wasn’t a part of it. I’d pressed onward in every direction but it was the east that had the least amount of area fully covered. Lately it’s been feeling like the right direction too, not that I could fully explain why. Today though there was a pull, something stronger than the itches I felt in my brain. There was something of substance out there. So I dove in, spreading my reach forward, hopefully for the final time.

In a way it felt like I was gliding through air, weaving past any object or obstacle that stood in my way. My senses spread all around me, feeling every organ and tissue, for the moved and flowed it was a part of me, just like I was it. That was the connection had to be kept, any interruption large or small would hit my mind like a jackhammer. There could only be one singular thought for the time being, ‘find what does not belong’. A mantra I repeated over and over, and commanded every inch or myself to follow.

Further and further, the pressure inside my mind only grew as I moved further away from the ‘real’ me. My limits were pressing in on me, constricting my thoughts, mudding where and what I was. My thoughts remain focused… find what does not belong, find what does not belong…

Further I was getting closer to that pull… it felt like my entire existence was snapping apart, each sense trying to pull away from the directed path. All I could do was cling to what feelings I could and keep going forward. Always forward, Always… I was suffocating, my heart felt like it had stopped, everything was fading no matter how hard I tried. The dark was creeping in. I reached out towards the only feeling I had left, even if I broke I needed to reach…

A thunderous crash rang out and everything shook. My eyes shot open and I gasped for breath… I was here, in one piece… But most importantly right in front of me, in the middle of the flower field was a silver baseball bat. I ran forward almost collapsing in the process but even if I had ended up on my knees the bat was in my hands.

I’d done it, it was control, I had found it, ripped it from the gore and claimed it as my own. This bat was mine. It seemed so tiny but it was proof that with time nothing here could object to my will. That all of this-

My celebrations were cut painfully short, the horizon was moving… My actions had been noticed. The world shook, and this world's eldritch nature was finally showing its hand. Diving in and out of the flesh, the thing that had created all of those pits… a towering snake, or maybe it was closer to a colossal worm… Whatever it was it was flesh entwined and twisted together constantly moving and changing. The only thing that looked consistent from this far away was the giant toothy maw where its face should be.

I may not be able to die here, I don’t know for sure, but getting trapped in that would be a hell that may not ever be possible to escape. Part of me kept wishing for someone to come and help me fight against this… But no one ever would, It was only me… except for… This was what he had to be talking about. I desperately looked around and screamed.

“Ken! KENNETH WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN BY INTEGRETY WAS-”

The air was stolen from my throat, without warning my hands trashed struggling to stay tightly wrapped around the bat. Before without warning a bright glow engulfed everything. From the blinding nothingness, and whispering right next to my ear, Ken spoke.

“It wasn’t just giving me your eye that you forgot that day.”

When my vision finally cleared I could see down the length of the baseball bat were strange glyphs. Around it flowed a power unlike anything I’d ever felt before but at the same time… It reminds me of the air that surrounds that strange woman in the white suit. So this was why Brandon was so sure that he wouldn’t need a gun… I knew there had to be something more to it but this… I could only describe it as something that seemed actually divine, too holy to even be in my hands but accepting them all the same. I couldn’t get rid of the smile that stretched across my face if I tried.

I still had time to think before it was here… Smashing shit was a fine answer but there might be more to this. If this was Brandon's, what did I know about how he fought… There wasn’t much, but he’d made the first time I saw him in action hard to forget. He had me close my eyes and a shit ton of insects crawled all over my fist. The way the bugs and their exo-skeletons ordered themselves around me had created what were pretty much knuckle dusters… It happened quick, must have meant that it was a skill he was used to using. It’s not too crazy to guess he'd wrap his insects around this bat too, after all sometimes shit needs a little more than what a blunt object alone could do.

It was getting close, I had a minute at most before it was on me. It was enough time to try something stupid. I stood up and slammed the tip of the bat against the flesh of the ground. It was like I was shoving a legendary sword into a stone to wait for a king. But my purpose was entirely selfish. I let a cord of meat wrap itself around the length of the bat. Reenforcing with several more pieces of flesh, before I took a deep breath and drew sharp fangs out the cord’s center. The result leaves those disgusting additions covered in sharp spikes, without an absurd amount of added weight.. I held it up in front of my face and pointed towards the sky. It was time for the final test, so without any more time to delay I spoke its name.

“Integrity.”

That simple word caused the light of the glyphs to spread throughout my deadly additions. Accepting them as part of it. This really was made for Brandon during his prime. This method had been a guess on my part for sure, but it didn’t come out of nowhere. If he fought monsters for decades, his counters had to stand up to the test of time. Who’s better to trust than yourself, he’d just needed a base that could keep up with him. I swang the bat, testing the weight at least once before it all hit the fan.

There wasn’t a reason to stay still anymore. The scale of what I was planning on fighting didn’t make sense. That worm was at least five times times taller than me, what the fuck was I going to do here? Didn’t know really, but beating the shit out of it was gonna be a large part of it. Even knowing all that, still for one reason or another I ran confidently through the flowers. The bat that seemed to be named Integrity emboldening every step forward. The energy flowing from it almost seemed to leave a trail as it moved through the air. The weapon was good, but I wouldn’t forget everything I’d been practicing. Everything would be going into this, this was the wall I needed to clear. I felt it deep in my gut.

It was here, and immediately shot out from the ground, its landing aim directly at me. I almost fucking screamed, not out of fear but I could feel it’s fucking movements. The senses it held tight screamed their intentions at me. That was the sole reason I was able to dive diagonally into the closest place I knew it wouldn’t hit. The bigger problem now was that it was back under the flesh.

First thing I needed to do was stop it from diving in and out of the meat like a fucking dolphin. The window I had to get a hit in was too short right now that needed a solution. So I slammed my foot down and covered everything I could in cement. It was breaking through it but it was slowing it down significantly. Felt blood leaking from my nose but I kept up removing the metaphorical ground from under it. Trying to spread the payment directly into the serpent didn’t seem possible. There was too much pushback. The method however did seem to make it tighten against it, further slowing down on its burrowing. I was reforming the stone as quickly as it was smashing through it, Grinding down its teeth and spikes with every itch forward. It was still a losing game on my part. Getting thrown directly into this right after pushing my senses so far already, wasn’t leaving me enough to work with. It was still miles from where I started but it wasn’t going to be enough to kill it. But killing it wasn’t the outcome I was aiming for with this one was it? No I just needed it out of the fucking ground, and I had giving it no other choice but to blindly crash through the floor and dive out of the ground out if it wanted to avoid being crushed any further.

There were a few precious moments where it seemed to shake its head where I could take note of it. It was covered with countless fangs at one moment, before being overtaken by new muscles and rearranging the outer shape of it. Still some of the bone it was covered in was snapped, and a fair amount of blood was leaking from it. No where near dead, but I’m sure it was more than motivated to stay the fuck out of ground.

Those precious few seconds were all I had before it rushed towards me. Aiming to devour me in a single bite, but it was slower on the pavement that’d flooded above the flesh during the process of extending downwards. It was nothing, I’d already dodged its divebomb, this should be easy, and yeah getting out of the way of the mouth was the easy part. What I forgot to take into account was how much it’s constantly changing skin might serve a more functional point. Not until a tendril of flesh wrapped around my leg and proceeded to turn that very cement against me. I was being fucking dragged around.

Might not be as fast as it used to be, but it was more than enough speed to make the floor feel like sandpaper tearing apart my back. I managed to keep the bat in my hand, or more accurately I pulled off spreading the flesh around the bad and wrapping it around my hand before I lost grip entirely. It kept it with me sure but left me down a hand, narrowing the list of possible moves I had to kicking the shit out of the tendril with little result. Trying to twist my body to at least maybe smash the bat against its side just made it start to lengthen its restraint so started being dragged further behind it.

Think fucking think… Body would be left a bloody trail on the fucking payment if it this kept up. Fuck it, I could only do something so goddamn stupid. I had contact with the floor, so far in front of me I shot up a hunk of cement diagonally into the air curved ever so sightly towards that fucking worm. I’d use the slack the tendril had given me, and the speed it was using to fuck me against it with a fucking ramp. I had one go at this. Either this was a genius fucking plan and I flew and landed on it or I’m going to crash and smash every goddamn bone in my body.

There wasn’t any time to think, not once I was in the air, I could only wrap my hands around that bat and hope I'd be able to use this speed to help smash down against its back. For good measure I screamed;

“INTEGRITY!!”

The light shone a trail of strength following it’s metal frame and smashing directly into that goddamn beast. My legs were fucked up beyond comprehension taking most of blunt of the fall, and processing outburst of power but I forced them to at least let me stay knelling on top of that goddamn worm. And I brought that bat down over and over, just as it tried to tear me apart with teeth and fangs of its ever moving flesh. Over and over the trade of blows continued, my thoughts long since gone reduced to nothing, just a rage and unending desire to see this thing stop fucking moving, backed up by the strengh of the bat I clung so tightly too. Cracks started to form along my foes' back, light bleeding out of them, and slowing its moments. Still I kept going over and over until my arms no longer listened to my orders. It was enough though. Soon Integrity's light had devoured it from the inside, and it crumbled apart beneath me. Stones of black obsidian were all that remained of that primal Grudge’s corpse, everything else had been consumed by the now unassuming bat.

I fell to the ground, nothing worked, my arms were shredded to pieces and just about every fucking bone had to be broken or cracked. But through that unbelievable pain a sense of euphoria, as if a weight within my mind had been cast away. My eye closed only one thought remained; That I’m getting the fuck out of here and going home. Then like so many times before I lost the world, and dove into endless darkness.

“God, that’s annoying.”

Just like old times, Ken’s voice spoke out in the nothingness.

“Ughhhh… What is it this time…?“

“That was probably both the stupidest and coolest thing you’ve ever done.”

“It was all bullshit I made up on the spot.”

“I know but it worked, that’s why it’s so goddamn annoying. It actually looked like you knew what you were doing there.”

“Great glad you enjoyed the show… More importantly… Why the fuck didn’t you tell me about the bat back then?”

“You would have died if you knew.

“With something like that, how?”

“Real divinity only comes from one place. If you set it off back then that stench would have clung to you. When you encountered the other eldritch lords around that over the top table of theirs they would have acted, and not just mocked their sibling for struggling against a human.

Probably leading to them trying to use you to find out where that light came from, something they’ve been trying to reach for longer than anyone could ever comprehend. It’d quickly turn into a real endless suffering kinda deal.”

“So filling in the blanks… Brandon must have told me about it, and when I was spewing everything I knew to you…”

“You told me everything, and I said forget that name.”

“Ugh… I’d be pissed if I wasn’t so tired.”

“Rest up then, you’ll probably need it for what comes next.”

“God, don’t imply grim shit right now, I can’t handle that right now.”

“Shut up, and let this nothing fade then Mills.”

He’s such a pain in my ass… But he was right, it was time to let go, let sleep take over and recover…

When I finally came to it was actually the sound of birds chirping that actually woke me up. Slowly I opened my eye, and found myself staring at the ceiling of my room.

“Holy shit…”

I did it. I actually fucking did it… I went to rest my arm over my eyes but something felt strange… There were three black bands wrapped around my forearm, another three were also on my other arm… They didn’t necessarily feel uncomfortable, but no matter how I poke and prodded them they wouldn’t move. Concerning, but I let my arms fall back on the bed.

If I’m here… it means after I was treated, ran through who the fuck knows how many tests, and given whatever the bands were before I being dropped off at home. All but confirming that they heard and saw everything that had happened there. I closed my eye again and tried to forget the stupid shit I said and did in there. But that just led to me falling into my old habit of spreading my senses out. I hit something, it wasn’t the same feeling that the graveyard left me. I was pretty sure something or someone alive was here. I let out a groan and actually got up to take a look. I felt so goddamn stiff moving down the hall ways

When I reached my kitchen there was some old guy sitting at my table. He had glasses on and was reading a newspaper, dressed in a dress shirt and tie. The paper seemed strange when he had put his cell phone on the table next to him. Annoyingly I could feel his heartbeat from across the room. I didn’t like that at all, being so aware of another person's organs was awkward, especially this far away.. I grabbed my head with a hand. Ugh come on… drown it out, you aren’t in there anymore, keep your senses inside your body.

I went to my cupboard grabbing a glass there, it was coated in dust… I shook my head a little, I wanted to avoid thinking about how long it had been for a little longer... So I just walked to the sink and rinsed the dust out before filling it with water from the tap. Such a basic goddamn thing… But it seemed monumental after how long it took for me to make water appear. The stranger had been watching my every move.

“I’m sure you’ve got-”

“Stop. Just order a pepperoni pizza and whatever the hell you want since you’re sure as hell paying.”

I downed the glass of water while he seemed almost a little knocked off guard, but he was still quick on the recovery…

“Let me guess, you’ve got a shower to take…”

I didn’t respond, just waved towards him to get to it and assumed he got the message. While I was collecting clothes and a towel I couldn’t ignore the fact that aside from the cups most of this place was maintained. Maybe even prepared for my return.

It’d be a while but I was pretty sure some of the clothes there weren’t things I’d bought. Not that I cared much about my fashion game right now, I just grabbed the first tshirt and the closest pair of sweatpants, I cared about comfort and comfort alone.

I would have jumped right into the shower but I ended up staring at myself in the mirror… I looked… weird I guess, the chest scar remained as strange as it had ever been. There were new scars, but there should have been far more. The deep ones ones on my shoulder that seemed almost like claw marks might have been from the fight with that fucked up worm.

I was being slashed too quickly to take every single hit in. But that was the strange part… Most of my body had been ripped apart by the end of it… Where were the signs of everything else, why’d just those ones stick around? I didn’t get it, maybe there was nothing to get and those ones had just been worse somehow. Ugh it doesn’t matter, I was here for a shower. This was just wasting time.

Hot water alone was something magical, like I'd risen from the ashes and been reborn in a better world. Not smelling like blood, or feeling that clamminess, having clean fucking hair.. All simple things, but I felt like I was in heaven. Even after I’d finished I sat in the tub and just let the hot water wash over me. At least until it ran out, and I was left with left cold water that didn’t hit the same. It’d been long enough already, so this was a good enough excuse to dry off and get dressed.

Two pizza boxes were laid out on my table. It turned out that my guest went for hawaiian when it came to pizza. I sat down across from him and grabbed a slice out of the unopened box. He’d splurged on extra large, he was trying to make a good first impression. He looked fairly unassuming at first, only a few scars on his face hinted at his area of expertise. The fact that he must have been in his 50’s and still doing this kinda work said more than enough. They’d sent an expert, it’s just strange it wasn’t Sneckdraw… I guess I did keep hearing he was constantly busy.

The food was incredible, but the growing tension in the air was becoming suffocating.

“Did you want to start or should I? Call me Harris by the way, everyone does.”

“Harris huh… Take you’re here to make sure I don’t leave.”

“Yeah, they’ve got a man my age playing babysitter, I used to be a cleaner, sure, but this is a bit under my paygrade these days.”

“Cleaner… I assume you aren’t talking about being a maid type, and more the problem solving kind.”

“Got it in one. Sorry to disappoint, if you were hoping for the former. I don’t think these legs can pull off a frilly french dress anymore. I’d also need to be paid far more for the trouble so there’s the issue of your own financial stability to take into account ”

I tried to hold back my laughter but it broke though regardless. Fuck, keep it together stay serious, just change the topic...

“So is this gonna turn out to be my final meal?”

“Well that all depends on you, we could stay civilized, enjoy our food, and have a peaceful few days exactly like you planned…”

He leaned forward, his glare intense.

“Or we could spend a wonderful time exploring everything those bands wrapped around your arms are capable of. I’d recommend the first if you aren’t a masochist, and probably still recommend the first if you are. That’d just be a weird way to start a partnership, and I’m already in a very committed relationship.”

“You’re already bringing up a close relationship like that? Isn’t that the kind of thing monsters would take advantage of?”

“I’ve read your report, and I wouldn’t call you a monster after it. You sounded a bit strange, prone to screaming matches with nothing, and some questionable outbursts of stupidity but not a mad beast.

And really if you tried anything she’d kill you long before I could catch up.”

“Let me guess that you met on the job then.”

“I did. So Mills, are we going to have a problem or should we just be friends, I’d like that since we’re going to be stuck together.”

“Stuck together? This isn’t just a one time assignment?”

“Nope, I’m unfortunately it for the long haul. Anytime you’re not under someone else's management, I’ll be in charge of your day to day activities. It’s standard practice for all abnormal’s. The adults need to make sure everyone gets along nicely after all.”

Condescending bastard…

“What about Sneckdraw and Brandon? They have people breathing down their necks too?”

“Not as directly as you do, but everyone involved in the paranormal these days has eyes on them. As for Sneckdraw he’s been active for so long that he’s more than proven he can be trusted. Really I don’t think anyone could keep up with him if they tried, rumors are he doesn’t even sleep. They aren’t true of course but it’s enough to get the kind of impression he leaves.”

He grabbed another slice of pizza and leaned back in his chair before he continued.

“Brandon on the other hand manages the archives, so he barely leaves his office. He used to be a pretty big deal 20 years ago, but was thrown into retirement after he unintentionally ended up opening a few too many random bystanders' third eyes. He also had a reputation for extreme violence, so the combination raised too many risks.”

“Third eye… So he made it so normal people could see monsters?”

“His bugs are close enough to both reality, and the unexplainable. So when enough of them are outside of his body it tends to snap the mind to seeing what it shouldn’t be capable of. And once that wall is broken there’s no going back.

By thought point though he’s adjusted to his current life, and he can use multiple computers and file things all at once. So he ends up with a lot of downtime, and spends most of it slacking off.”

“Then why was he sent to see me in the hospital back then?”

“I can’t say that I heard about that… If I had to guess things can get pretty busy so there’s not a lot of free hands at times. Since sneckdraw was directly involved it was likely due to a request on his behalf. They were partners back when Brandon was active, so on rare occasions that call for it Sneckdraw tends to get away with involving him.

You know, I really thought you’d be asking questions related to yourself, not them of all people.”

I shrugged.

“Getting into that kind of mind fuckery is something I’m not ready to deal with yet. After I get dragged back into hell, sure, but for now I’m taking it easy.”

“That’s for the best when you’re looking at it like that.

I wanted that to be the end but there was a burning question, that even knowing how hard it would hit.

“Even with that said… How long was I gone for?

“Around three months.”

“...Shit.”

Back then I was sure that 2 weeks felt like it had been about 6 months… So was it actually about three years there..? Did it feel like that? How many days did I just stop thinking for, or how long had I actually been out for when I pushed things too far… Shit. I had expected longer, maybe like a year, but less seemed overwhelming in its own special way.

Harris had caught on to those unstable thoughts. Christ was Kenneth right when he said my expression always gave what I was thinking away?

“If you care, they said you held up better than predicted. It still might be better not to think about that part too much. You’ve got your plan. So go relax, everything you’ll need is already stocked and ready.”

I breathed in and recentered myself, he’s right. That’s not something I can worry about yet. Stay here and now. Ask about what matters.

“Even the cigarettes part of it?”

He pointed to a cupboard, and I quickly collected them and a lighter before heading outside. It was late, honestly night was something I missed. I found myself headed to the curb and just sat down, cracked open the pack and lit up a cigarette. That oh so familiar feeling filled my lungs, and the smell took me back to better days. I couldn’t help but cough a few times, given how long it’d been since I’d done this. Still it made things feel manageable, looking up at the night sky also got me in a good mood. I’d wanted this for so long, it honestly felt like I was still dreaming.

Yet there was still a looming reminder, Harris was watching me from the doorway. His expression blank and hard to read… It didn’t matter… nothing else mattered. I wanted to stay here, mind and body just for a little while. Where nothing else mattered but the stars and the night sky.

#wow words

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olumine · 2 years ago

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LET ME SAY IT ANOTHER WAY : i call myself wound, but i will answer to knife.

an independent roleplay blog for the traveler, lumine / ying from genshin impact, as written by kendall (21+, he/she). minors dni. exploring themes of war, violence, blinding light, gender, being an alien, dehumanizing the hero, adrift in a world not your own, and more.

this blog will stay low activity. minimal formatting. mostly minimal effort. i don't have the energy these days for extensive rpc aesthetics, though i'll spring for a funny little icon every once in awhile. extremely headcanon dependent + canon divergent -- i've completely overhauled everything, down to the character design. not involved in the genshin fandom at large on basically any grounds. please note that while i don't consider myself particularly "selective," i am very busy. heavily affiliated with @kunigutsu's scaramouche, @bezdnayaks childe, & @yanwangye's zhongli.

under heavy construction!

(more extensive pages are under construction, but between the wiki & the caveats i've written below, i'm happy to mess around with plot & answer any questions til then.)

interaction .

as it is, standard interaction rules apply. other than the usual (don't be pushy, don't be a bigot, don't be weird), i'm very chill, i like to plot, to discuss interesting dynamics, & i'm good with every format of writing short to long. i'm fairly new here in terms of genshin impact but have been rping on tumblr for way too long at this point, & i'm coming back after an extended break. one thing, i really prefer it when ideas are exchanged mutually rather than one-way, so if we're plotting, please feel free to hit me with whatever & i'll match that energy!

portrayal .

okay, here's the big thing. please take a moment to briefly read over my interpretation of the traveler! while i enjoy the core lore of the traveler, i'm interested in pushing the personality + characterization notions gestured at by the game and playing around with them, pushing them to different limits. as it stands, my idea of lumine is quite. quite overhauled, so i'd appreciate any double-checking before assumptions are made. i don't own anything beyond the concepts i personally came up with, obviously. as it stands, this is a work in progress always, i'm still making my way through the full plot to boot, so bear with me. also, i am comfortable with duplicates, being followed by and interacting with!

biggest notes .

— my lumine is genderless, and is socially read as on the masculine side of the presentation spectrum. while i'll use she/her for ease, this is NOT a girl. no gender in space, and all that. this definitely includes her canon design! while i might reblog or like art that is designed in alignment with canon, that's not actually how i see her at all. give her pants. bigger muscles. strong strong hands. i'll write notes up on it in the future at some point. — genshin impact's got some, huh, things going on in terms of weird age gesturing while still being plenty sexualized. don't know what that's about. don't like it. don't subscribe to it. lumine is, appearance wise, mid 20s, but much older than that in actuality, obviously. — vital here, i basically do not know about fanon, i just got here, but what i've seen scares me so so so bad. i do not jive with essentially any of the "blushy, soft, ultra-squishy" of lumine. again! dni! — she's a fighter, intense, a little adrenaline-fueled. rougher around the edges, a little angrier, a little pushier; a little bit rude and sharp and to the point at times. i portray her with the idea that while she is helpful, she can be a bit begrudging, a bit worn through and over it, and absolutely not liked by most people she comes into contact with. i'm very down to explore dynamics that are more fraught than friendly.

character thesis in the meanwhile! scroll to the bottom for a bonus picrew of the babygirl.

The Cosmic Terror Of Light and Light As A Destructive Force

taking the knight thing to its natural conclusion of a girl who is so so so mad all the time and also so so repressed about it, but like, barely.

I Am Asking You To Endure It coding

getting more impulsive and weird as time goes on. already was kind of not cool not normal but objectively getting worse WHILE getting stronger.

you can trust her with your keys and your personal quest but she might deadpan roast you for your problems in the process.

vibes include being Covered In Blood and clearly exhausted but letting paimon hold her hand when she's scared

This Is My Brother And I Need A Shovel To Love Him

the hero has been irrevocably changed by the journey and even if she could go home, home would no longer exist to her! she knows this and is choosing to ignore it.

emphasis on the feeling alien + isolated + not belonging to the world. you're a strange human-thing that doesnt follow any known laws and well, isn't that a bit sad.

#pinned .

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atangledfate · 10 months ago

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"Yeah you're right." And it was never easy for Sonic to admit Jet was right about anything. But he had actually respected his skills too. "I took the title because i beat you i don't deny that is what happened and yes i'm not a Babylon. I don't know about you or anything about being a Babylon. But it doesn't mean i wanted to be the reason you are angry and can't show up back home." Again Sonic couldn't help but try being kinder - to see it from the other's point of view. "I don't go easy in any race next time or you'll kill me for sure." Turning away now to avoid Jet own reactions or words. "Thought you hated me anyway.." A mutter awkwardly. he would not admit he saw Jet as the only fastest Babylon he did rule the skies and it wasnt fair Sonic took that away from hin. Any anger he had originally felt towards Jet was gone.

The Babylon didn't respond as he turned away from Sonic mostly because he didn't want to make amends. He liked having a reason to be angry, and let his rage push him to new heights. In a way Sonic beating him made him go beyond what he was capable of. Pushed him to be better far better then he ever was. But the shame of losing followed him like a dark shadow--- his Father would never let him live it down.

" Sonic, you don't get it--- Before you came along i ... was the King of the Skies! no one could touch me... no one could hope to match me! race after race i was King... hell i never even tried..."

He clenched his fists tightly as he locked eyes with sonic.

" But then you came along... and i pushed myself to my limits! and beyond! but there you were, born with a natural talent far beyond my own! and no amount of training could ever hope to close the gap between us! ... and it was made painfully clear the day you crushed m in that race... "

" Do you know what that's like--- to realize to your shock and horror that no matter how hard you try you CAN never catch up! The Prince of the Babylon's! forever in the god damn shadow! of some clown pretending to be hero! you got no idea what that is like for me!?! what it meant to me! to be on top, and be knocked off by some blue boyscout! My pride was all i had left! and all i could think about was BEATING YOU! "

He sighed glancing off to one side as if letting his momentary rage go.

" ... But then the War happened... Infinite came along--- it became less about me and... shit just snowballed after. Here i was running secret missions for Knuckles... gaining intel where i could... ya know watching the world burn sure changes your perspective... "

He placed a hand on his hip

" Then the Zombots... fuck that was just messed the fuck up... like what the hell was i suppose to do? Never felt so damn helpless... So when amy called--- fuck i couldn't just say yes. Had to make it hard for her but maybe i shouldn't have... what ever--- "

" What ever anger i had for you died a long time ago... you still took something from me though. One day i want that back--- but i have to do it my way... No tricks, no games... no under handed bullshit, just me and you and the sky is the limit... so no i dun hate you... "

#Prince of the Babylons #Jet #Fastest Thing Alive #Sonic #I don't hate you...#not anymore...#But there was a dark time...#and it nearly consumed me...#and nearly destroyed me...

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flowergrownbeyondthestone · 1 year ago

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So far most of the things I’ve written here were leaning towards being majorly positive and somewhat optimistic, but I think I’m going to ruin this trend today. Despite trying my best to preserve my energy and recharge yesterday, I woke up feeling absolutely exhausted today. Even before I got to work it felt like I had 0 energy available and yet I still had to get through the day somehow. That on its own is not great, but worse days happen. That aside, lately I’ve been wondering why after a long streak of feeling quite good while working 3 days suddenly my energy level seems to be worse again and even getting through these 3 days can be challenging. Today I realized that this is the time around which I started to actually go out and socialize more. Wow. Great. So apparently if I spend 4 days of my weekend primarily isolating myself I can function at work, but if I decide to do more then well… the good time ends there. Or well, I still have a good time while being around others and doing stuff, but I’m absolutely suffering at work. I basically cried like two times today already and I’m temporarily feeling like I’m less of a person. Working part time and still unable to have fun without paying for it later. Still having to plan everything around my energy levels, with no clear idea of what should happen in the future. I didn’t choose any of this, but right now it’s hard for me not to feel like I’m failing at life. I know it’s not really my fault and the circumstances in my life have been less than optimal for a long while, but… I so fucking badly wish I could just function on a normal level without a ton of consideration and pushing myself beyond my limits. There’s so much frustration coming up because I feel like I’ve had to deal with things on my own basically my whole life. Of course I had different people supporting me, but it should never be their burden to carry, unfortunately at some points it was. My family has never really shown up for me, not in an emotional and present way at least. It still fills me with so much sadness and anger, in a way I feel simply abandoned because even though I am an adult and technically don’t need them, don’t we all want to have someone that’s going to be there no matter what happens? Normally family is. But not mine. I have to carry my burden, their burden and at the same time somehow not feel like I’m falling apart. I can absolutely see a good life for myself, but not when I constantly need to worry about earning a living and somehow not becoming an isolated cave hermit. I just want a break. I didn’t even get to enjoy my childhood and now I feel like I’m drowning in adult responsibilities while only just learning who I am and what I need. I wish I had a place to go where I could just exist for a while without everything hanging above my head. It just really doesn’t feel like it’s an option though, I’m alone in the country, I have no alternative source of income, I have virtually no support in that way and my biggest problems are strictly connected to the practical life shit (aka money, energy and time). I need some changes but how the fuck do I figure out what my life should look like when I can’t even find a way to get advice from anyone and I sure as hell can’t always do everything alone. Especially not when it comes to such major decisions and not having anything to fall back on. I don’t know. I just want to be able to allow myself to be weak and tired when I need to. Meanwhile one day after getting out of psych ward and the worst mental breakdown of my life I was already back at work and pushing further, cause what the hell am I supposed to do? I hate that reality. I didn’t ask for any of this mess and now it’s all mine to deal with

(Update, an hour and a bunch of chips and tears later): I feel much better now, cheers

Not that the issues are solved buuut. I’LL LIVE

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crazy-void · 1 year ago

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Important update

(sorry for my english, it’s not my native language)

Hello everyone, I'm not usually the type to make these posts, but I think this time it's really necessary.

First of all, about the Bots and Pizza fanfic, for all the fans and especially that anonymous fan who once asked me how the chapter was going, I have to say that yes, I said that December I would release the chapter starting part 2, but I haven't managed to finish it. I only have half of it, and I'm currently having a creative block finishing a particular scene, which I've already changed several times. As I still have to finish it, correct it, translate it into English, correct it again, send it to the person who does the final English correction, it may not even be finished in time this month. I can provide you with some poorly translated excerpts if you're curious, without too many spoilers. The chapter will come out, I just can't promise dates anymore.

Now, this is the hardest part for me to tell you, but I have to be honest:

I need to slow down.

"Wait, didn't you used to say that you were slow at drawing?" "Don't you already post once a month, without a schedule?" Yes, I have a slow pace for posting, but with this change, it may take me a lot longer to post.

In 2023 a lot of things happened in my life, from graduating, reconciling study and work, increasing the pace of drawing and writing, increasing livestreams, having several long leaves from home that unfortunately prevented me from continuing my projects, and adding all the fatigue of reconciling all this, this year was one of the worst for my mental and physical health.

I don't like to talk too much about my private life, I didn't want to write a long text explaining it, but I think that for those of you who follow me I need to explain why I'm disappearing so much and not being on schedule.

Since the last chapter of Bots was posted, I've had the worst months. I got sick, my cat had an emergency and underwent surgery which meant I had to keep an eye on him for 24 hours, combining that with work, spending Christmas with a horrible cold and pain from falling down the stairs.

And after spending New Year's away from my cat, who had to stay in a hotel because I wasn't going to bring him to the beach, going through all the stress of him trying to attack the cat they brought and thus making his wound worse, which was finally closing up, spending almost all my vacation on the beach, and every day worrying about what the next complaint would be about me for simply trying to do something for everyone, I'm just tired and exhausted.

The problem itself isn't my family, they're amazing, I wouldn't swap them for anyone, but sometimes I can't make myself understood and I can't express myself.

It doesn't help that I'm already a person who for 20 years hasn't known what it's like to relax, I've always done everything as if I were holding a weight on my back, even more so when, even though I'm in pain, I keep pushing myself, going beyond the limit and thus getting worse and worse.

I was doing that a lot throughout 2023, and it just wrecked me. In terms of mental health, I'm very passive, I try to impose myself, but I always lose the argument and do what they want, and I just accept it and swallow it, until at some point it all explodes and I'm left with a mess of emotions.

Little by little, I was getting more and more discouraged, just living each day according to routine, trying to find some happiness in anything at the moment. Drawing, writing, reading, doing anything involving subjects I love was helping, but I was having more and more obstacles, interruptions, I was forcing myself to do things, and not being able to do what I wanted during the day was frustrating me more and more, combined with my increasingly frequent pains.

I had a plan to post more than 6 drawings in the month of December, showing more OCs, as well as finally continuing Not so Superstar. There was going to be a special Christmas drawing. Did I achieve that? No, I didn't even come close. Of course, it's my fault for having imposed this on myself, but each day was more frustrating than the next, and this only added to all the frustrations of the whole year that I don't even feel genuine happiness anymore. I smile because I have to, but I don't fully feel that good happiness. And that frustrates me.

I've also started to have problems with my body, I don't feel comfortable with certain parts of it. It sounds silly, but it's only helped to increase my discouragement.

With all this, I'm tired.

And I want to change that.

I'm already looking for help to improve, even by 1%, so that next New Year, I can really smile.

I'm not the best example, but if you're reading this and you feel something similar, try to seek help, whether through psychologists, through your faith, or even through friends. Sometimes all you need to hear is that someone cares about you and that everything is going to be okay. And if you're that friend someone has chosen to open up to, reach out, sometimes a simple "I'm here, you can count on me" is all they need.

Anyway, I know it's a huge text, but I needed to explain at least a little to those who care, and that me slowing down doesn't mean I'm going to stop everything, I may even become more productive, who knows? But I won't be promising dates. I'm not going to disappear from the socials, I intend to look at them more often, so you can interact with me just fine.

I hope that by the end of the year, I'll be able to return to this post and see that I've improved, that I no longer feel disappointed and tired, that all the help I'm getting has made me smile for real at the turn of 2025.

Thank you for listening, you are one of the reasons I keep going.

#mimi talks #crazy talks #important message

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hbelcherarts246-01 · 1 year ago

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Process & Reflection (Week 1)

Process

Our first project was the letter spacing project, which entailed kerning letters by hand. It was quite a challenge for me. I have an essential tremor, meaning parts of my body (usually my hands and arms) shake uncontrollably, and it’s most noticeable and frustrating when I try to use fine motor skills.

I didn’t struggle too much with the straight lines, because rulers are pretty easy for me to use. The issues started after I’d finished all of the straight lines, because that meant it was time to draw the curved parts of the letters. Since I didn’t have any French curves at home, I went shopping to try and find some. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find them in the stores that were within walking distance of my apartment (I don’t have a car), so I had to wait until Thursday’s class to borrow some.

I wasn’t expecting them to be so difficult to use; I thought they’d be akin to a ruler, where you just hold it in place and start drawing. Instead, I had to continually move, rotate, and make minute adjustments to position them just right along the letters’ curves. My hands kept shaking as I was doing it, which meant I spent what felt like an eternity aligning the curves, knocking it out of position, and then trying to realign it. Even after I managed to line them up, I’d knock it out of place again as I tried to hold it down and draw along it.

When 4:30pm rolled around, I was out of time and still not at all finished. I submitted what I’d call a “hot mess”, which you can view in the image below. I’m not proud of the work I did in this project, if I’m being honest.

Reflection

This episode of the 99U podcast probably struck a chord with many teenagers and young adults (whether they work in creative fields or not); I know it did for me. I picked this episode “Tony Schwartz: The Myths of the Overworked Creative” because the speaker addresses an issue that I am presently dealing with and will likely continue dealing with until I retire (at whichever age that may be, 65 or 90). That issue is exhaustion and burnout from being consistently overworked for a long period of time.

Like Schwartz says, I once thought my energy could be “infinite”, and for a while, it seemed it was. Up until sophomore year of high school, I was a straight-A student. I was more than capable of balancing school with my job while still leaving time for some basic self-care and creative projects. I had a good social life and I maintained a healthy sleep schedule. I was tired most of the time, but I was always told it was normal; feeling tired is just part of adult life. I thought it was normal and that I was fine right up until I realized it wasn’t normal, and I wasn’t fine. Making it through high school and keeping my job became the only things that mattered to me in life, and after a while, I couldn’t even handle those things. I lost sleep, friends, hobbies, and my belief that “life will get better”.

I know now it’s because I spread myself too thin, continuously pushed myself beyond my limits, and demanded perfection and productivity from myself, always. Now, 4 years later, I’m still dealing with the mental and physical health issues that were created and/or exacerbated by that initial burnout. I’ve become moderately agoraphobic, I’m an insomniac, I struggle with basic tasks, and my “creative brain” is empty.

Schwartz says humans need to “pause”, or renew, their energy after a period of “pulsing”, or expending, energy. I just haven’t had time to “pause”, I have to keep “pulsing” if I want to graduate on time, get a job, or simply survive. Unfortunately, given that I live in the economic and political fiasco that is America, I doubt I’ll ever have a moments rest again. The current economic trends show that my generation as a whole isn’t going to be able to retire or receive social security.

All that is to say, I wholeheartedly agree with Schwartz’s points about the current work model being physically and emotionally draining and harmful. Life shouldn’t be this stressful, and like Schwartz says, it’s not natural or healthy for humans to live and work like we currently do. The myths he debunks in the episode have been drilled into our heads so often that they’ve become widely accepted as “just how life works”. The perpetuation of these myths is driven by corporate greed, they serves only those in power, and they’re killing us, physically and psychologically.

Schwartz says we need to align our working style and work-life-sleep balance with our natural rhythms, and I agree. However, I seriously doubt it’ll ever happen, at least, not in my lifetime. It would require those in power to give up their massive wealth and influence, and they’ve proven themselves, again and again, to be too greedy, selfish, and out-of-touch to care about (or at the very least, not exploit and kill) their fellow human beings.

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automatismoateo · 2 years ago

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Muslim Mom discovered ive had intimacy with my boyfriend via /r/atheism

Muslim Mom discovered ive had intimacy with my boyfriend Im (18f) atheist, openly since im 14 in a hardcore believer family, with a really traditional arab dad and a european mom who s basically brainwashed. They ve pushed their beliefs on me for forever and I was restricted in EVERYTHING. Friends, food, clothes (i wore the hijab from age 10 to 15), how I talk and how I act and what I read and basically just did everytbing behind my parents back. Beside that we have a family dynamic that s fucked up beyond religion, abusive dad who s emotionall and financially negletful and a mom who s just such a mess. She loves my boyfriend who s 18 and really religious, he is a kind soul and has always been so caring and affectionate towards me. Again she loves him more than she loves me, he comes to the house hangout with us (my dad doesnt live here and we have limited interactions thats only about money) and this morning she discovered a condom by looking into my stuff. Couldnt lie myself out of this one. Im devastated i dont know what to do im not even seeking advice at this point just ranting because i feel like im going to explode. If she tells my dad which is worse case scenario i will be dead he will kill me not fucking joking he is really fucked up and im scared but i dont think she will because he ll say it s her fault and it can only wrong us all. Im supposed to fly to college in september 2024 and in the meantime i dont know what will happen to me. She said he needed to repair what was done and that she would marry us. Submitted September 01, 2023 at 01:59PM by More_Willingness_840 (From Reddit https://ift.tt/9nIxe3l)

#reddit

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gdbatbitch · 9 months ago

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Managed to get August rent covered, but now my unemployment's run out and I'm back to zero money. I've been applying for jobs left and right for months and aside from the one that illness messed up for me, I've not had any luck.

I'm looking into applying for disability because at this point, with the way my health has been in the last year, it makes sense. It's better than the nothing I'm living on now. I'm just trying to survive. I can't keep listening to my own internalized ableism and pushing myself beyond my limits. It's obviously not been working so far.

TL;DR Please, please. I’m at the absolute end of my rope and can use all the help I can get. Also, just putting out there for those that prefer alternates: my PayPal is [email protected], Venmo is @Dextra-Hoffman, and CashApp is $DextraDawn. Thanks y’all.

I wish I had the spoons to talk about how horrible I have been feeling the last few weeks in real time. Especially the last 3 weeks. You don’t realize how much one little gland will mess up your entire existence until it’s defective or gone. I’ve been without my thyroid for 10 months now. And I’m still suffering the repercussions of it.

My biggest issue is my TSH levels. I’ve had to have dosage adjustments twice since January, and each time it results in weeks of adjustment time, and a good portion of that, I’ve been completely laid out because of being unable to function. The symptoms can vary, but generally involve massive fatigue, nausea, hot flashes and cold spells/sweats that I’m not able to control and barely able to combat, dehydration, weakness, and just having that feeling you get with a high fever and a flu where you feel half in and half out of reality and not sure if you’re actually alive or you’re a ghost.

Also because these hormones think they’re that special, they also affect my mental health by spiking my adrenaline levels and triggering my anxiety. My anxiety alone can shut me down for days. It’s been well documented. So the physical symptoms would trigger my anxiety. I have a really high pain tolerance, but sickness not so much. And I have never felt sicker in my life than I have in the last month. So not only was I feeling like I was dying, I was terrified the entire time.

I’ve not gone into great detail about it openly because it was so scary, and I know when I’m in panic mode I can’t really trust my own mind to determine the seriousness of a situation. So I kept it quiet, at least quiet for me.

Of course, all of this has completely destroyed my plans of getting back to work and out of this poverty rut I’ve been in for months. I had a job lined up, but the start date was right in the middle of my being incapacitated. I tried to work with the company to push back my start date, but that didn’t happen. I’m in the midst of interviewing for a job that would be absolutely perfect, but I’m still waiting for next steps on their part. Aside from those, as anyone currently seeking a job will tell you, it’s abysmal out there. I’ve applied for over a hundred jobs in the last 4 months and I’ve barely gotten any responses.

I’ve been asked if I’m going to be doing art commissions, and if I were more capable, sure. I’d be silly not to try. But I’ve not been anything close to capable for weeks. I’ve only been back to 100% for a few days now, and even that has been sketchy. So I’m putting a pin in that for now, at least until I can knock out a sketch or two to knock the rust off.

I was hoping to be done with fundraising, it’s so nerve-racking. But right now, my survival is in peril. I just submitted a request for what will be my last unemployment payout. It wasn’t much, but it was barely keeping me afloat. After that, I’m kinda screwed unless I can figure something out.

I still haven’t made rent for August, my car payment is late, I’ve got bills up to my ears and I’m just worried that I’m not going to have those things very very soon if I can’t keep up. If I can at least hit the goal on the fundraiser, that can keep me going until I can get back to work (fingers crossed).

I’ve been struggling with asking for help for a while now because I feel like I’ve been holding my hat out for far too long, but I don’t really have a choice anymore. I’ve also been struggling with a lot of internalized ableism as well because I know I’m disabled and shouldn’t push myself as hard as I do. But that’s a rant for another time.

Please, please. I’m at the absolute end of my rope and can use all the help I can get. Also, just putting out there for those that prefer alternates: my PayPal is [email protected], Venmo is @Dextra-Hoffman, and CashApp is $DextraDawn. Thanks y’all.

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lazysimp · 4 years ago

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Innocence /// Virgin!Tamaki x Top!Male Reader (18+)

Click Here to read bottom!male reader

Click Here to read Fem reader

Request: Hello! Can I request a Top male reader* x Tamaki. It's his first time and he's very shy and reader takes advantage of it.

A/N: Of course anon, I love the idea of corrupting a sweet innocent Tamaki

Tags/Warnings: 18+ MDNI explicit sexual content, virgin!Tamaki, dominate reader, submissive Tamaki, mild somnophilia/dubcon, tentacles, handjob, He/Him pronouns

Word count: 4k

masterlist┃AO3

Patience had never been a virtue of yours, so when a soft timid Tamaki beat around the bush asking you out on your first date you took the first step. And when he could not find the words to ask for a second you gladly volunteered them. Instead of growing annoyed or feeling emasculated your sweet boyfriend looked at you with gratitude every time you guided the relationship.

So, when it was finally time to take your relationship with him to the next level it was no surprise that you were the one to push it there. In the dimness of your shared bedroom, you laid still in bed listening to his breathing. During the day he would never let you stare at him like this, he would grow too flustered and hide his face.

You wish more than anything he could see himself how you see him. How he is the strongest person you know, choosing to push beyond his limits every day to save those around him, uncaring if it left him in a panic after. You had to bite your tongue every time he came home from work covered in blood and dirt. In your mind you know he can handle himself, but the idea that someone can look at Tamaki and still choose to hurt him baffled you.

You raise your hand to his face and brush your knuckle across his cheek. You wanted to be with him in every way, but you were so unsure he was ready. You know if you asked, he would say yes, he would never deny you. But he has never shown any sign that he wanted to take that next step.

So when a deep groan left his soft pink lips your ears perked up. Normally the only sounds he made while he slept were a few soft huffs as he shifted around. You sit up in bed, now watching his face intensely. Maybe your mind made up the sound, desperate for an excuse to jump on him. But to your delight, his mouth opened, and a single word left his lips, "Please."

This had to be too good to be true. Was your boyfriend having a sex dream? You needed to investigate. Carefully lifting the covers, you look down his slender body unit your eyes landed on his pants. You rub your eyes to clear them and make sure you were seeing things right and you were. A large bulge pushed the seam of his pants up, his erection barely contained in his underwear.

Instantly you felt heat flare-up in between your legs. You look up at his face and grow even hotter, his cheeks were dusted pink, and the tips of his pointed ears were bright red. His lips were slightly parted letting you catch a glimpse of his teeth as he let out another low groan, this one even more desperate than the last.

Without thinking you trail your hands down his chest, tracing the soft muscles until you landed on the elastic of his pants. You could feel the warmth he emitted and moved in closer until you lie parallel to him. The soft purple hair of his happy trial teased the tip of your fingers as you ever so carefully slip your hand under his pants.

You watch his face for any distress, but he held the same expression. Growing bolder you inch your hand further down until your fingers brushed against the head of his cock. You have to stop for a second, already overwhelmed at how far you have gone.

He was so warm and soft, his sweet olive smell filling your nose. You needed him so bad, needed to be close with him, touch him, love him. So you take a deep breath and wrap your hand around the head of his cock. You could feel his hot length pulse in your hand, just begging for your touch.

Needing to touch him more you place your lips by his delicate ears and whisper, "Tamaki, baby, wake up for me."

The man under you tensed and ever so slowly his eyes lazily opened, "Huh?"

You can't help but laugh at his dazed expression, he looked like a newborn fawn. "Baby, can you look down for me?"

His bright purple eyes looked at you with confusion but did what you told. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion before his gaze snapped to meet yours. "What?" he asks his eyes wide, "What are you doing?"

You keep your face neutral, not wanting to give away too much, "I could hear you begging in your sleep." You purr, "And when I looked down, I could not help but notice the tent in your pants."

His face grows impossibly redder, and he looks anywhere but your face. Not liking that you gently acquiesce your hand around his cock until his eyes snapped back to you.

"What were you dreaming about Tamaki?"

"N-nothing?"

You tsk your tongue, "That's not true, is it?" You lift the hand is his pants up, revealing his hard cock for both of you to see. You could hear his breath hitch as he was finally able to see what your hand was doing.

"Now why don't you tell me what you were really dreaming about?"

You could see his mouth open and close as he tried to form words. His purple eyes started to grow wide and wild. Needing to stop that train of thought you decided to try something else.

"How about I try to guess what your dream was about?"

His breathing slowed and he tiled his head, "What do you mean?"

"We will play a game of hot and cold. If I am doing something you saw in your dream you say hot and if I do something that was not in your dream you say cold."

He looks to the ceiling, "I've never played that game."

You softly smile, "That's ok, we can try it out and if you don't like it, I will stop."

"A-alright," he tightly swallows, "Let's try it."

You let out a squeak of joy and peck him on the cheek, "I am so proud of you!"

He gives you a wobbly smile, but you could see his eyes starting to dilate. He was getting excited.

You look down at your hand and take a deep breath. You know he has never done anything like this, so you had to make this perfect for him. Wrapping your hand around his cock, you gently slid it down until it rests on the base.

The soft hair surrounding his base ticked the back of your hand as you let it rest there for a second waiting to see what he says.

"Cold," he mumbled weakly.

You give him a rewarding squeeze and began to pump your hand, admiring how his foreskin traveled up to cover his glands. Everything about Tamaki was perfect and his cock was no exception. It was long, almost double the size of your hand. Instead of being perfectly straight, it bent off a little to the side. You could not wait to take advantage of that.

"Warmer," he said a little stronger.

"Good boy," you praise, starting to pump your hand a little faster.

A shiver traveled through his body at your words. You made a mental note to praise him more. As you gently pump your hand on his cock another idea popped into your mind. You slip his underwear down with your free hand giving you room to dip your hand lower until it settles on the tight skin in between his balls and hole.

You watch his face for any signs of distress as you gently press one finger at his entrance. You could feel him tense for a second but as you continued to stroke his cock his hole relaxed enough to allow one finger to slip inside.

"Bunny," he cried, "Warm."

You hum your approval, sinking your finger even deeper inside his tight hole while you pumped your hand, once, twice, three strokes. His hips started to lift in time with your hand, creating even more delicious friction.

"So good Bunny, don't stop!"

You press another finger inside him, giving him a few seconds to adjust before you spread open your finger, scissoring the digits. His hands desperately grip the sheets beside you, trying to find purchase as you stretch him open.

“Please Bunny I need,” he begged, unsure what he really needed. Needy cries filled your ears as you started to stroke him at a punishing pace, already feeling his cock pulse in your hand.

"Hot, hot, Bunny it's so hot." He cries, his hips rising to meet your hand. You deepen the thrusts of your fingers, pushing them up until you found a soft spongy spot inside him. His hips lurch up and a sob leaves his lips as you press on that spot inside him, keeping your hand moving on his dick.

You force yourself to keep steadily pumping, knowing the consistent pressure is what he needed to finally tip over the edge. And you were right, with his hands white knuckling the sheets he came with a silent cry, his face contorted in pleasure.

You watched mesmerized as he releases all over your hand and his stomach. You ease your grip on his cock, not wanting to overstimulate him too much, and instead weakly kept your wrist moving, letting him ride out his high. His chest rapidly fell up and down as he tried to catch his breath.

You carefully pull your fingers out of his ass, watching carefully for any signs of discomfort. As he came back to reality, he looks down at you with a wobbly gaze, “I’m sorry.”

Your hand flies up to cradle his cheek, “What are you sorry for baby?”

He looked down at the mess on his stomach, “I came too early, I messed the game up.”

You take a second to try and find the right words and finally settle with, “We are just having fun Tamaki, there is no winning or losing.”

His hands lift to cover his face, “But I finished so fast, it’s humiliating.”

“Hey,” you coo, “It’s just me and I thought you cumming so quickly was hot.”

His hands lowered slightly so his eyes could look at you skeptically.

You laugh, “I am serious, the way you could not control yourself and cried out will be the fuel of my late-night fun for weeks.”

His hands fell from his face and the look in his eyes changed completely, “You think about me when you touch yourself?”

"Yeah baby. You are all I can think about when I touch myself. I think about how your cute little ears twitch when you are embarrassed, I think about how good you look in your hero uniform, and I especially think about the look on your face as you take down a villain. But do you want to know what gets me off every time?"

He nods eagerly, the embarrassment of finishing quickly long forgotten. You crook your finger at him urging him to lean in closer. When his pointy ear was inches from your mouth you whisper, "I think about how you would use your quirk to fill me up until you are the only thing I can feel."

He shoots back and looks at you with a mix of curiosity and horror, "You don't mean. . ."

You nod, "Yeah baby that is exactly what I mean."

His entire face grows bright red, "B-but that is so, so dirty."

"That is why it's so hot."

"What do you say we continue our little game but it will be my turn to say hot or cold?"

"Y-you want me to touch you like that?" He whispered the last word.

"Yeah baby, I want you to touch me like that."

He bites his bottom lip, "What if I mess it up or hurt you?"

"You have nothing to worry about baby, I will be in charge the entire time."

The worry on his face eased a little at your words but you could see he was still fiddling with his fingers.

"Why don't we start off slow?" You suggest, rubbing your hand along his bicep.

"You can put your hands anywhere on me and I will say hot the closer you get to where I want your hand to be."

"What if I touch you somewhere you don't want to be touched?"

"Impossible," you mumble, "There is nowhere I don't want your hands to be."

A high whine left his lips, the sound sending heat flashing through you. Oh, you wanted to ruin him, and you were pretty sure he would let you.

Not wasting any more time you wrap your hand around his wrist and lift it towards your chest, letting him get a feel for your skin. His breathing increased and his eyes grew wide as you dragged his hand up your chest until it rested near your collarbone.

"I am going to drop my hand, remember I will let you know where to touch me, all you have to do is follow my cues.

He nods, barely breathing as you drop your hand from his, leaving him free to explore. He takes a few seconds to compose himself, staring at his hand touching you. His soft cock was already filling again, ready to stand to attention as he carefully dragged his hand down the side of your arm. He looks to you for instructions.

"Cold," you mumble as his hands drift off to your hands. He nods, his fingertips sliding up your arms. Involuntary you could feel goosebumps follow the trail of his fingers. If he ever figured out how much power he held over you, you would be doomed.

His fingers trail up until his hand settles around your neck. "Warm," you groan pushing yourself closer into his hand.

With his first hand occupied his second slips under your shirt, sliding up the soft material until he revealed your chest to his view. You could hear his breathing stop completely as his gaze locked onto your soft peaks.

"Breath Tamaki," you order, "In and out, that's it." You watch his chest rise and fall slowly as if it took intense concentration to remember to breathe.

When his breathing grew steadier his hand reached out and slid up your stomach. "Warmer," you reach out to bunch the blankets in your hands, needing something to keep your hands busy.

His brows furrowed as his long cold finger circled around your areola, watching in amazement as your nipple bunched into a tight peak. "Warmer," you say, needing him to deepen his touch.

Thankfully he seemed to understand what you wanted as his fingers pinched the bud and rolled it. You could not stop the whine from leaving your throat as he flicked his finger against your nipple.

Growing bolder from your reaction Tamaki dipped his head until his mouth was only a breath away from your nipple. Again, his bright purple eyes look up at you for approval.

"Hot baby," you bring your hands to thread through his hair as his lips wrap around the swollen peak, sucking it into his wanting mouth. His cheeks hallow as he takes long drags, his tongue lashing the tender bud resting in his mouth.

Small mewls of approval leave your lips as the hand on your nipple pinches and pulls, a stark contrast from the soft teasing of his mouth. The difference in touch left you reeling, if you thought you were hard before, you were fucking steel now.

"Tamaki," you push his head in closer, wanting more, god you wanted so much more. He strengthens the suck on your nipple until you were sure he was going to leave a mark.

The hand on your nipple leaves and started to trail down the softness of your abdomen, caressing the skin. "Warmer," you moan, hoping they would go where you wanted. And he did, his fingers lift the elastic of your underwear and his palm resting on your length, waiting to be told what to do.

You reach over to the side of the bed and pull out a bottle of lube you had hidden away. You quickly squeeze a generous glob of the liquid onto the head of your cock, watching as it dripped down to Tamaki’s hand." It will make it easier later on,” you explain as he stares at the viscous liquid.

“Oh, ok,” he agrees, unsure what you meant but too excited to care.

One finger slides down your length, tracing a vein before he wrapped his hand around you. You both let out a groan of want as his hand slowly moves up.

The palm of his hand wet itself with your precum, making it easy for his hand to slid down the length of your cock before settling as your base. His other hand raised up to your mouth, you give it an inquisitive look but open your mouth anyways, allowing his dainty fingers to come inside. You swirl your tongue around the digits, wetting them with your spit before letting him pull away.

As his finger dips down toward your entrance you mumble, "Warmer."

He lets out a low groan, sucking harder on your nipple as his finger moves down until it settles on the outside of your hole. In the quiet of your room, you could hear the lewd sounds of his fingers breaching your entrance.

You let out a hiss, surprised he had forced you to take two fingers so quickly but the burn felt so good you let it slide. The fingers inside you twist down and press, you had a rough idea what he was trying to do. “Cold Tamaki.”

The fingers inside you twist around again, blinding looking for your sweet spot. After a few misses attempts you could feel him grow more agitated, his teeth now nibble on the tender bud of your nipple. "Patience baby, move your finger up, just like that, a little to the side- there!"

Your hips lurch up into his hand as his finger finally brushes across your prostate. Your hands in his hair tighten to a bruising hold but he didn't seem to mind, in fact, your reaction drove him even further.

His soft fingers hone in on the spongy tissue, rubbing it gently, a little too gently.

"Harder Tamaki, touch me a little harder."

And the good boy did as he was told. His middle finger pressed down with force, his fingers making a firm coaxing motion. You were feral, having him touch you like this was better than any fantasy your mind had made up to help you get off. There was no comparison to having the real thing.

While his mouth distracted you, the fingers in your ass grow longer and softer. You look down in confusion unsure what was going on only to see purple tentacles now fill you instead of his fingers. One large tentacle wrapped itself around the length of your cock, with one large sucker latching onto the tip of your cock, sucking on it like a mouth.

Your head falls back, too overwhelmed to watch anymore. You could already feel the tight grip you had on your control slipping away. Following the cues of your body, Tamaki used another tentacle to tease around your entrance. It circled around the tight hole, wetting itself in your pre-cum before carefully pushing inside along with the rest, stretching you impossibly wider.

He releases your nipple to watch his tentacles sink deeper inside you. The tightness of you around him would fuel his fantasy for years to come. He had always felt deeply for you but doing something like this with you made everything click into place. There was no one else in the world he would ever want to share this with and being with you for his first time was something he would never forget.

He made sure to move his tentacles up inside you, remembering something Mirio had told him a year earlier about how men’s g-spot is on their ass. It seemed his best friend was right. You bucked wildly into his hand, he could tell you were fighting to keep control of your movements, but he wanted to see you lose control, he wanted to see his Bunny become wild.

So when the sucker around your cock strengthened its pull you had to reach down and frantically pull it away before it tipped you over the edge. Tamaki instantly stops what he is doing and looks at you with eyes full of worry.

"You made me feel so good baby," you praise, pulling him in for a hug. “Too good, I was going to finish right then and there.”

"You really liked it? What I did with my quirk?" he asked weakly.

"Fuck Tamaki I don't think I will ever be able to get myself off without your help," you look down at him, "Nothing could compare to that."

A bright smile spreads across his face, "I am glad I made you feel that good bunny, but why did you make me stop?”

You look down at his body and smile.

His head tilts and he follows your eyes until it lands in his erection. His breath sputters as he tries to wave it away, “Wait, you don’t mean-“

“I want to cum inside you baby.”

“I, you, you want to- “

“Fuck you. Yeah baby I want to stretch that tight ass around my cock and fuck you until you can’t speak.”

His mouth opens but no sounds come out, for a second you worry you have finally pushed him too far but suddenly he snaps back into focus. “Yeah, bunny, I want to d-do that too.”

You give him a relieved smile and get to work. You quickly take off your underwear and have him swing his leg over your lap, positioning him to hover over your waist. You reach down and grab ahold of your throbbing cock still slick from earlier, lining it up with his hole.

With you already being prepared all you had to do was push down on his hips, urging him to sink lower, slowing impaling him with your length. You could feel the tightness of his hole as it resisted your entrance at first, not letting you move forward.

Soft mewls left his lips as he tried to relax and let you in but he could not do it on his own, “Shh baby, it is ok,” you coo, trying to get him to relax.

“I don’t think it is going to fit,” he whines, starting to lift himself up.

“It will work,” you mumble, and pull him in for a kiss. You explore his mouth with your tounge, distracting him until you could feel his hole begin to soften. Not wasting time you thrust your hips up, finally popping past the tight ring of muscle guarding his entrance.

A loud cry rips from his throat as you sink into his heat further, the head of your cock now settled inside him.

You force yourself to look up and meet his eyes and it was beautiful. He was an absolute wreck, already gasping for air and you were not even halfway in. His pupils were blown out, eyes barely focusing until you grab his hair and force him to look down.

“Watch baby,” you coo, “Watch me take you like this. No one but me will ever get to see you like this but me.”

He whimpers but complies, watching you sink in the last few inches. You lean forward and press your lips to his one again, wanting to be surrounded by him. Needing his taste on your tongue. At the same time, you start to lift your hips, admiring the feel of him slipping down onto your cock.

With each rotation of your hip, a new whine filled your mouth as he tried to stay in control. You broke the kiss and ordered, “Put your hands on my shoulders.”

He complied, his fingers digging into your skin and helping to increase the power of each thrust.

“Y-you are so perfect,” Tamaki panted as you rocked your hips forward in time with his. “I never want to be without you.”

“My baby,” you groan, “You are a natural, feel so good around me.”

His breath hitches, you could feel him growing closer, the hands on your shoulders weakening and the trusts becoming more desperate. Wanting to cum together you reach down and grab ahold of his pulsing cock.

“That’s it Tamaki,” you groan, “I want you to cum on my cock.”

Without needing to be told twice his hand came to life spurting three tentacles. The smaller two spread dipped low, gently cradling the weight of your balls with the third latched onto his cock, joining your hand to stroke himself with its slippery ribbed texture.

“Oh fuck,” you cry, your head falling forward to rest in the crook of his neck. You could feel his hole tightening around you, spasming as he grew closer, “Just like that Tamaki, please keep going just like that.”

And as always, he did as he was told. He lifted his hips, riding your cock at the same speed, driving you higher and higher, the tentacles on your balls gently squeezed mercilessly milking the pleasure from your body.

“Ah, god Tamaki, just like that,” you babble, unsure if the words were even able to be understood.

You could feel yourself slipping further away and needed to do something before you embarrassed yourself. You shifted up your hips, changing the angle of your thrusts. The next time your cock plunged inside of him, your length brushes against his prostate.

A beautiful look of shock crossed his face, there was no time to prepare himself before an explosion of pleasure suddenly blasted through him. He could not even cry out as he was swallowed whole by his release.

He convulsed in your arms, his mouth opens in a silent scream as his ass clenched around you, sending you spiraling too. In the middle of your haze, you could make out his hole clenching your cock as you fill him to the brim with your cum. His tentacle still toying with your taunt balls.

No longer able to support himself Tamaki collapses onto your chest, relying on you to stay upright. You wrap your arms around his wairs, pulling him in closer to your chest. He rests his cheek on your pec and you could hear his broken breath as he slowly recovers.

“Wow bunny,” Tamaki says breathlessly, “That was amazing!”

You kiss his sweaty neck weakly, “Yeah baby it was.” You look down to where your bodies were still joined and could already make out some of your cum starting to seep out of him.

“Bunny, I don’t think I can move.”

You laugh, “Oh good, because I don’t think I can either.”

He slouches down even more, “I think I will just lay here for a little bit; you feel so warm.”

You tighten your arm around his waist, holding him close, “Sounds good to me.”

#tamaki x reader #tamaki smut #tamaki x male reader #tamaki amajiki x reader #tamaki x y/n #mha smut #bnha smut #bnha x reader #bnha x male reader #mha x male reader #mha male reader #bnha male reader

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pancakeke · 3 years ago

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Did you get diagnosed with adhd as an adult? I ask because I'm an adult woman of color that can get up and go to work and can kind of interact with people around me, so I feel like I'll never get it

I got diagnosed when I was 29 but looking back I should have been diagnosed when I was in middle school lol. When I sought out a doctor I was technically functioning at my job and home but I was doing piss poor work and was stressed out beyond my limit 100% of the time.

I have a really hard time talking to doctors because I get anxious and forget what I want to highlight a lot so it may be helpful for you as well to list out your struggles and how they are negatively impacting your life. then you have a point by point list your doctor can use to help with diagnosis

for examples, a bunch of stuff I listed:

Work:

I forget to follow up on problem orders constantly, creating larger problems for myself later

I have to keep ridiculous amounts of notes to keep myself on track, but then the amount of notes becomes overwhelming and they become impossible to use

I question my memory at all times which keeps me in a high level of stress and anxiety

After dealing with some extra temporary responsibilities I hit a wall and have not been able to bounce back and do my normal duties very well anymore. Even my boss has noticed that I have had a hard time keeping up and talked to me about it. Nothing has permanently changed with my work, the problem is something with me.

home/personal life

I volunteer to help people with plans often but very quickly forget my responsibilities and only remember when reminded at the the last minute, putting myself in the position where I have to work until 2 or 3am to prepare for what we're doing

often I feel very creative and have the intention to work on home improvement or personal projects but either cant force myself to initiate a plan or after starting a plan I can't focus enough to get remotely close to completing it

along with the above, when actually starting a project it's generally on impulse and as soon as the impulse dies down I cant force myself to continue no matter how hard I try

I create constant messes and always feel disorganized no matter how hard I try to maintain an acceptable living space

I buy things on impulse for personal projects but then can't bring myself to work on the projects, meaning I often waste money on impulse buys that never go anywhere

I have a difficult time remembering to pay bills

General

forgetfulness causes me to accidentally procrastinate almost constantly, always putting me in a position where I have to rush while fueled by anxiety to get anything accomplished.

I basically rely on anxiety to push me to complete anything. if I'm not afraid of failure or causing problems it's almost like tasks don't exist

there isn't a day where one or more of the above things causes me problems.

kind of overboard but you get the idea. take some time over a week or two and note every time your ADHD symptoms affect your quality of life, and also add to your notes that all these things are negatively impacting you on a daily basis (if its true, which I don't doubt it is). If you share any of these problems with me feel free to tell your doctor you know someone diagnosed with ADHD who had the same problems to emphasize that you don't just have generalized anxiety.

My doctor made a copy of my notes to keep on file which I greatly appreciated. I've had a LOT of problems with doctors in the past not taking me seriously for physical problems I had so I'm like extra aware and suspicious of how doctors behave now.

I was genuinely surprised at how serious my doctor took all my issues. She didn't dismiss anything and agreed this sounded like ADHD. I'm white and can't talk to the issue of being POC and trying to get taken seriously by medical professionals but my generic advice is: don't be afraid to fire a doctor who doesn't seem to listen to you or is dismissive of your struggles. You don't even need to tell them they're fired, you can just cancel your next appt right after you make it and then ghost them. I went through 5 doctors (and hundreds of dollars....) getting a physical problem diagnosed once. I seriously wish I'd jumped ship on two of these guys sooner and stopped wasting my time and money on morons who had no investment in my health.

Also if possible, talk to local people you know or check out support groups (there are a lot of various ones on FB. also there may be forums out there for this kind of thing) for POC who struggle with finding doctors who actually listen to them. There may be recs you can use.

One more little bit of advice, if you're more comfortable with video chat than going to see a doctor in person you can do telehealth visits to speak with psychs about mental health issues and even get a diagnosis. It's what I did at first because it was easier to fit into my schedule. The only caveat is they can't prescribe you any medications for controlled substances (like adderall) without seeing you in person at least once. So if they do diagnose you with ADHD you'll have to go see them in person one time to get a prescription.

I always rant when I get asks for advice aaaa but I hope this helps at least somewhat!! If you have any other questions or want to talk feel free to send another ask or DM me!!

#ask #adhd

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system-of-a-feather · 3 years ago

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As a fellow aspd tendency alter( if that makes any sense) how is your relationship with your fiancé? I want to get into a relationship, along with my systemmates but I’m afraid I’ll “mess it up” and a lot of people I see talk about how they would never want a relationship with someone with aspd And so it’s just difficult to see myself in a healthy relationship as a system and someone with aspd tendency’s so any advice you’d be willing to give?

It's... interesting to say the least. To be honest our fiance has thick skin and knows he can and when to call us - specifically me out. He's kinda my "safe" person who I respect enough to call me out when I'm on my bullshit and might not be aware since I'm extremely egosyntonic when I'm on my ""pisser"" as I call it; ie a high ASPD symptomatic flare up and so I don't really notice it until afterwards and I have to clean up my own mess; so I do appreciate him being able to - for a lack of better words - reality check and reflect on if what I want is what I want or me running off of my ASPD bullshit.

Largely my best attempt is to be straight up real from square one with how You Are™. It absolutely might scare / push some people away, but it also will function to remove people that either 1) do not have the "bandwidth" to work through the lows that are inevitable and 2) judgey assholes that would end up forcing you to repress your shit in ways that aren't productive, because at least in my experience, trying to hide the ASPD only makes it 50000x worse.

Cause you have to be a bit real, with any Cluster B (PD in general, but we have limited personal + second hand experience with others beyond OCPD and don't feel as confident talking about it), there will be lows and hard patches and for some, that fluctuation will be too much - an unfortunate but valid incompatibility to have. With that said, there are definitely people who can and are more than willing / capable to work with those so don't take that too discouraging. The only thing is that to avoid it being a shock or them finding out late in the relationship that you are "too much™", just be upfront about it and explain and try to be communicative to the best of your ability about how it works for you and generate a sense of rapport, trust, and understanding on how and where this comes from.

Our fiance already dealt with two other alters that have ASPD tendencies a bit before me and so when this system started dating hi he already had some experience with parts being *like that* but honestly when I came around I made our most antisocial parts look like they were Saint Teresa and he jokingly states that he "had to adapt to and accept that he was dating a would-be-terrorist" with how I talk, my impulses and my highly opinionated and extreme political takes.

I honestly also operate on a 0 masking policy with people I like and get along with cause I don't have the time or energy to be feigning shit with people I like, so I still do say and voice my fantasies / thoughts / impulses of some of the most batshit, asshole, low empathy, violent and arguably illegal bullshit; the key thing though is that he has built a large understanding on how the whole ASPD tendency stuff works for me as well as a trust / rapport with me that he can trust that it is very very unlikely that I will actually go about doing this because so long as I am "emotionally sober" and not on my "pisser", then I do very much value him and our system BEFORE any high that I could get from chaos, violence, or impulse that I have.

I think in a way he might actually find that almost endearing in nature from me but, thats beside the point.

TLDR, be honest with yourself, be honest with them, be transparent and self reflective about why and how your tendencies work and try to explain them if you can (or have another alter if you struggle and trust one with it) so that when things flare up they have the ground work to understand why you are the way you are and how to help you down regulate rather than escalate.

Cause personally for me, if I am denied the ability to self express in the slightest, I tend to rapidly escalate, so its very important for me - in close relationships - to be able to say things without them being taken too seriously because by saying shit, I DRASTICALLY reduce the likeliness Ill say it; plus it also comes with the benefit that he can pretty reliably know that I don't bullshit or lie to him, cause I don't hide my cards much at all.

You kinda just gotta find someone who has the right compatibility and bandwidth to deal with the highs and lows and personally just keep an eye out for yourself and be communicative about how you work to the best of your ability.

But also to answer the first question, I actually have a great relationship with our fiance. I think I worry him sometimes and stress him a bit with how I am, but nothing more than how other parts with their own issues do. We also have our own different form of romance and attachment / affection because I don't really experience love and attachment the same way others do (not sure if Id be counted aromantic, but my attachment methods are heavily broken and warped ngl) but that doesn't devalue or diminish the positivity and genuinity of our relationship.

-XIV

#alter: xiv #aspd #aspd tendencies #pisser #relationship #relationship tw #ask #asks #for the record #we havent been diagnosed with ASPD largely because our therapist doesnt see much of a theraputic value in PD diagnosises #when put against C-PTSD and DID since a lot of those tend to be inherent and come with more stigma than worth #but we have talked about ASPD and all that shit from time to time

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amyscascadingtabs · 4 years ago

Text

give you my wild, give you a child

"stupid numbers, think they’re so great. i'd love to see numbers give you a baby."

inspired by that one line in 8x08 renewal, because he really did give her a baby.

read on ao3

It's been three days and Amy can't stop crying.

Sometimes she thinks it's stopped, that she'll finally have a stable moment to talk to her husband or eat a meal in peace or facetime some of the twenty or so relatives on her list, but it feels like it’s never more than minutes before her emotions swim to surface again and something new brings out the vibrating sobs that have seemed to characterize this day. As it turns out, even newly pregnant Amy has got nothing on three days postpartum Amy.

That she cries about the big, life-changing things doesn’t surprise her. When she wakes up after a night of minimal sleep and sees Mac in the bedside crib next to her, she cries because she’s so grateful; that everything went well, that their baby is finally here and that he's perfect beyond words. Then she cries because she thinks about what could have happened if it hadn't gone well, because she gave birth in a makeshift birthing suite in a police precinct, and so many things could have gone wrong it’s a miracle nothing did. When she gets out of the shower, she cries seeing herself in the bathroom mirror, because she's proud of her body in a way she's never experienced before. Then she cries because she also barely recognizes the person staring back at her, still looking six months pregnant except with hospital underwear and nursing pads in her bra. When she has breakfast after feeding Mac and tries to read the newspaper, she cries because so many terrible things are happening in the world all the time, and she doesn’t know how she’s going to protect this child from a world that sometimes seems to be getting more and more cruel by the day. Then she cries out of guilt for feeling that way, because she’s supposed to be enjoying this baby bubble, and what kind of mother even is she for daring to think about anything but her baby right now?

As the day goes on, however, her reasons for crying begin to feel increasingly ridiculous. She cries because she’s so relieved to be drinking regular coffee again, then because it doesn’t taste the same as decaf and she’s gotten so used to it that the caffeine tastes weird now. She cries because the coffee goes cold anyway when Mac begins to whimper and suck on his fingers in the way he seems to do whenever he’s hungry and she has to drop everything to feed him another time. She cries when Jake turns on the television and a commercial for diapers comes on, because she can’t believe they get to buy them now. Then she cries when Mac has finished eating because the red flannel she borrowed slash stole from Jake won’t button properly, and she realizes one of the buttons has gone in the wrong hole and she has to redo the whole thing. When Jake offers to help her with it, that makes her cry too, because the way he’s not laughing at her right now but patiently trying to solve her problems is making her feel so loved she doesn't know how to thank him.

The thing that makes her cry most of all, though, is watching Jake and Mac together. She always knew that sight would drive her crazy, and it’s part of the reason she wanted to have kids with him so much in the first place, but not even in her most indulgent fantasies about their future could she have pictured this. As grateful as she is over the fact that she gets to be a mom, getting to see Jake be a dad is a close second. He loves their son so much, and Mac so clearly loves him too, and Amy has to remind herself of the nine months she's spent carrying this child by herself in order not to feel jealous when Mac stops fussing the moment Jake picks him up. He looks so tiny when Jake holds him, the back of his head fitting perfectly in Jake's palm, and the care with which he’s handling him keeps making her emotional. He's always talking to him, sometimes whispers she can't hear and sometimes praise for her which she can, and that makes her cry too. He even chats to him when he changes his diapers, which Amy hides behind the door frame just so she can hear, failing to stifle a giggle when he asks in a fake interrogation voice what Mac has to say to his defense for making such a mess. He wakes up with her in the middle of the night when she has to breastfeed to get her endless glasses of water and granola bars when it makes her feel starving, and then he lets Mac burp him in the face and spit up on the back of his shirt before he falls back asleep curled up on his chest. He leans his chin on the top of Mac’s head to smell that perfect baby scent, running his finger over those cute neck rolls, and the smile on his face when he looks back at Amy makes her completely lose it, because this is what she dreamed of all along.

This is what she imagined when they visited her brother Christian’s new baby shortly before they got married and Jake spent the better part of an hour making funny faces to the child in his arms. This is what she panicked over when he said he wasn't sure if he wanted kids, because she had always thought. This is what she thought of those nights after another timed round of unenthusiastic sex, trying to keep the hope alight until that single line would once more tell them not this time. She had felt it in his teary smile when she showed him that first positive test, in how hard he'd squeezed her hand at their first ultrasound when their baby’s heartbeat had filled the room, in the absolute joy on his face the first time he’d managed to put his hand on her stomach just in time to feel their son kick, and now it's right in front of her and almost too much for her heart to take.

She's so tired, and she's sore and overwhelmed and worried about a billion different things, but she's never felt so grateful.

That's what makes her cry floods at three a.m. when Mac seems to have finished eating and she comes back from the bathroom to find Jake still sitting up with him in bed, holding him with a hypnotised look on his face. He doesn’t even seem tired, even though he must be, is just looking at his son like he’s holding the entire world in his arms and doesn’t ever want to let go. She always knew seeing him with a baby would be incredible, those surprisingly toned biceps curling around a fragile little human and those heart eyes focused on one thing only, but maybe she hadn’t expected not being able to watch it without breaking into tears.

“Jeez, Ames,” he says when he looks up, the expression on his face changing to one of concern. “Are you okay? Honestly?”

“Yeah,” she sniffles and dries her eyes again as she sits down on the bed. The skin on her cheeks is stinging at this point. “I just can’t believe this is my life.”

“Why not?” Mac’s pacifier glides out of his mouth, and Jake puts it back with two fingers before he can notice anything. “We’re right here, babe. We’re very much real.”

“Sometimes I thought it was never going to happen.” She hiccups. “All the times we’ve been apart. The months we fought to have him. How freaking long and exhausting being pregnant was. And now I have him, and you, and I’m just so grateful I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“That’s why you’re crying?”

“I think I don’t even know why I’m crying anymore. I’m so sleep-deprived.”

“Yeah.” Jake smirks. “But I get it. I’m really, really grateful too.”

Mac makes a short gurgling sound that Amy takes to mean he agrees. She reaches out so his hand can wrap around her ring finger, feeling him squeezing it tight in the cutest grip. The grey striped pajamas has little mittens on it to keep him from scratching herself, but Mac gets upset whenever they pull them down, so Amy figures they'll just have to keep filing his nails instead. Their son is already both opinionated and stubborn, and she loves it about him, because she loves everything about who he is. He's perfect, and he's hers, and she still can't quite believe it even though he's right there in Jake's arms. It's all her dreams coming true, and it's making all the hard things feel so worth it.

“Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for giving me a baby,” she whispers. She’s too tired, barely even knows what she's saying anymore, but looking at the two of them, all she can think about is how incredibly lucky and thankful she feels.

Jake blinks in disbelief, grinning at her. “Wait, I gotta make sure I heard this right. Did you just thank me for giving you a baby?”

“Uh-huh?”

“And you're serious about this?”

“Well… yeah.”

“So you mean after nine months,” he says, still wide-eyed, “of you telling me, minimum a couple times a week but pretty much daily toward the end, that I could never understand what you're going through, and then you shouting some lovely descriptions at me whilst you were literally pushing him out, and also earlier this evening when you cried because I can't breastfeed him for you – you’re thanking me?”

“Some of it was a team effort,” she insists. “You helped.”

“Oh yeah, my nards sure are loving the credit.”

“Don't be gross.”

“Sorry.” He smiles, a little bashfully, stroking his fingers back and forth over Mac’s forehead instead of looking at her. “But Ames, c’mon. It was a pretty limited effort compared to what you did.”

“Maybe they’re not the same thing.” She leans her head on his shoulder. Mac is still holding on to her finger, but his grip is getting looser now. “But you were part of it too, babe.”

“Really?” He’s blushing. “What did I do that was so special?”

“Let's see. You didn’t laugh at me when I kept crying at everything the first weeks. Rosa made fun of me on a daily basis, but you just hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay. You let me sleep in when I had days off, even though I pretended I wanted you to wake me up. You fixed food for me without telling me what it was, and put it in front of me before I could feel sick thinking about it.” She shakes her head at the memory of those, few but complicated, weeks, and how hard they’d had to work around it. “You kept telling me I looked great even when my body kept changing and it all felt weird, and helped me pick out maternity wear when I didn’t want to do it on my own. I don’t know that I would have taken barely any bump pictures if you hadn't made me. You listened to all my research about the best strollers and pacifiers and cribs, and you did those courses and read all those books with me, and you came to almost every scan and held my hand so tight every time. You came home with onesies and hats because you thought they were too cute not to buy, and you gave me massages whenever I wanted them, and you even slept on the couch a couple nights at the end when I got angry at you for snoring. You barely even complained about it.”

“I complained a little,” Jake mumbles. “When you couldn’t hear me.”

“Fine. And lastly, you rode a horse through the city to get to me while I was in labor, and you didn’t even act like seeing him be born was gross.”

“I mean, it was a little bit gross.” Jake lifts Mac so he can kiss his forehead when he whimpers. “No offense, bud. I mean you looked perfect, I didn’t think you looked like a slimy alien even for a second, didn’t cross my mind, et cetera.”

“Whatever.” She rolls her eyes. “Point is, babe, you were there. You're here now. I know I did the actual work, but you were the one who made sure I could. I don’t know how I would have made it through without you. So… thank you.”

He doesn't give her any witty comebacks for that, only a shy smile.

“I love you,” Amy all but whispers through the tears that fight their way through her determination to keep them in. “Both of you. So much.”

“Love you, Ames.”

She kisses him, putting her hands on each side of his thighs so she can reach over Mac. Kissing is a lot more complicated than usual when both his hands are busy and none of them wants to risk crushing their son, but it's still nice, feeling his soft lips on hers and squeezing his lower lip between both of hers for just a moment before pulling apart.

“It's hard to kiss you while you're holding a baby,” she says, and Jake grimaces. “That might be the only bad thing about it.”

“My bad. I’m just going to put him down so we can make out all night.”

“Don't you dare. He currently doesn't have a boob in his mouth and he's still not crying, you're not doing anything to risk that now.” Amy pulls the comforter up to her chin. “Wake me up when he needs to eat again and not a second earlier.”

Jake chuckles at her as she turns out the light and snuggles up close to him, but he makes no move to put Mac down or even protest, and she didn't think it was possible to love him even more. Her heart has definitely grown with becoming a mom, much like everyone told her about, but most seem to have forgotten to prepare her for how much it would also grow when it came to her partner.

“I still think I’m the one who should say thank you,” Jake whispers just as she closes her eyes, and Amy can't help but smile. “If we're talking about who gave who a baby.”

“Jake, just accept the praise.”

“Oh, yeah.” She doesn't need to see his face to know that he's grinning. “I’ve locked it in a little box in my brain and I’m gonna keep it as gloat material forever, bringing it up when you least expect it.”

“That's great, babe.”

“Mm-hmm. We both know the truth, though.” Jake's left hand strokes over the top of her head, and Amy has to look up to see that Mac is still resting safely on his right arm and doesn't seem to have noticed a thing. Another tear fight its way down her cheek at the thought of how safe he must feel with him. This time, she doesn’t even bother to wipe it away.

#my writing #b99 #brooklyn nine-nine #peraltiago #jake x amy #b99 fic #b99 fanfiction #no eps this week but i finally finished this haha!#pls enjoy <3 #also thank u niamh and ajit for helps with all the reasons amy would be crying!!!#oh also the three people who voted on the title thank you

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greensaplinggrace · 4 years ago

Text

What Is There To Celebrate About the Darkling? (Part 4)

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He’s calculating but impulsive. Gentle yet firm. Stubborn and adaptive. Just a real mess of contradictions that makes him all the more interesting.

He loves nature. He loves the forest.

Fond of luxuries and nice things. After growing up as he did, I think he deserves them.

Very socially awkward. Introvert just trying his best. Anything that isn’t manipulation and therefore something he’s planned in his head is just a social train wreck waiting to happen.

The way he pushes up Alina’s sleeve when they first meet. This man had zero compunctions about acting completely unprofessionally in front of his soldiers and I think that’s very sexy of him.

He’s constantly tired and exasperated with the people around him.

The way he says “quiet” with the softest voice imaginable and a room full of laughter instantly goes silent.

He had no interest in Elizaveta even though she was utterly obsessed with him and I think that’s hilarious.

Elizaveta: I have a plan to resurrect the Darkling Everybody Else: Oh the Darkling is so evil for trying to come back! The Darkling, who just wants a nap and is sick of this mortal bullshit: Why am I even here? This is such a pain in the ass. I should have killed Elizaveta when I had the chance.

How he asks if Alina “will have” his name like a man proposing.

Has his bedroom attached to the war room.

Constantly checking up on Alina just to know how she’s doing. Never pushing her beyond her limits as she’s training.

Very creative with his shadows and the extent of their abilities. So many of the ways he uses his powers are genius.

His ending in RoW is a tragedy and an injustice. He deserves better.

This old man pouting at Alina in episode seven as he says “please, I just want to talk to you 🥺”

There is a black kefta made for Alina after like two days in the Little Palace. He really was already planning their entire immortal futures together as Mr. and Mrs. Starkov wasn’t he?

His bed is covered in maps and notes when he’s plotting how to find Alina. Also before that, the way he’s poring over the notes at his desk and giving orders is 👌🥵

Him acting like a real General at all is simply amazing.

The fact that he trusts Luda with his life. That they have a whole intimidation routine set up around him purposefully getting himself fatally injured knowing she’ll heal him.

He looks like a vampire in the show and a fae in the books.

His favorite ABBA song is probably “Lay All Your Love On Me.”

Looks composed but that’s only a façade. Is actually an unhinged feral terror of pain and misery.

That scene where he tells the king she will remain in the Little Palace to train undisturbed and he puts his foot down. ON THE RED CARPET. the king’s carpet. and uses a commanding voice that’s just on the edge of an order…I’m surprised he didn’t get flogged for that. IMO nothing conveys the fine line he walks with those in power while wielding his own like this scene. Literally he should just be celebrated for this alone.

“‘Why won’t you leave me alone?’ I whispered one night as he hovered behind me while I tried to work at my desk. Long minutes passed. I didn’t think he would answer. I even had time to hope he might have gone, until I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Then I’d be alone, too,” he said, and he stayed the whole night through, till the lamps burned down to nothing.

Trapped a bunch of Saints in the Shadow Fold like a true amoral disaster villain. What an icon.

His barely concealed amusement and half hidden smile when Alina comes to put his kefta on. The way he finds Alina utterly hilarious and tries so hard to act like he doesn’t.

That small amused smile when Alina jokes about finding Volcra hilarious. Please he’s so adorable 😭

“‘I know what you feel when you’re with the tracker,’ he said. ‘I doubt that’ He gave a dismissive wave.” - My Malarklina obsessed self, vibrating at the edge of my seat: but what does it mean?!?

Mal and the Darkling’s entire fight in the Fold: dumbass on dumbass violence.

The way he stands with his back turned to Alina when she enters his tent the first time they meet and then does the slowest Godfather turn in history. 1999/10 - points removed for a criminal lack of cat petting.

“I may lead the second army, but the king is still the king.” - the delivery of that line. the implications, the history behind it and also the foreshadowing for his plans.

That slow turn face reveal in episode one though. Like okay we get it you’re pretty alkjsdflkj

Confused Old Man Face™ whenever Mal or Alina do anything remotely defiant in his presence.

How he tells Alina to come closer and she only takes the tiniest step and he doesn’t even react.

His little head cock whenever someone says or does something that just doesn’t vibe with him.

Darklina tumblr has now convinced me that the Darkling is a cat in human form.

“You’re an amplifier,” she said. He glanced at where Sylvi was pouncing on another helpless tree, oblivious, and gave a single, frightened nod. How could he have been so stupid? He would have to tell his mother now, and she would insist that they leave right away. If word got out, they’d both be in danger. Amplifiers were rare, hard to find, harder to hunt. Their lives would be forfeit. Even if they got away, word would spread. He could already hear his mother’s voice: Foolish, careless, callous. If you don’t value your own life, show some concern for mine. Annika touched his sleeve. “It’s okay,” she said. “I won’t tell.” Panic crowded in. He shook his head. She slid her hand into his. It was hard not to pull away. He should. He was breaking his mother’s fundamental rule for keeping them both alive. Never let them touch you, she’d warned him. - 😥 I just want to give him a hug all the time.

His strangled shout when Mal tackles him off of the skiff.

His smile when he’s summoning the sun. The expression on his face when he does so. Like I know I’ve mentioned this before but damn. If you ever needed a reason to celebrate him, this would be it.

“Shame, I’ll have to give that speech again now.”

The way he flips Mal over his shoulder in the Fold after Mal attempts to strangle him.

His little lecture on the Small Science to Alina when they’re going to meet the King. Info dump.

“You make it sound so easy.” “A bird makes flight look easy. But it was born to do so.”

When Alina looks at him for guidance on whether or not to remove her veil and he gives her a small nod.

The handhold in the throne room after Alina’s demonstration is absolutely precious, but it’s in a room full of people he should be keeping up a façade for and it’s so unwarranted and yet he does it anyway, I’m-

The way he says “welcome home, Ms. Starkov,” in the most tender voice I’ve ever heard and then goes “ok that’s enough emotions for one day” and then just straight up leaves without even a goodbye.

He has his symbol?? Sewn into Alina’s kefta??? bRo???!?!

Disaster Simp never gets tired of introducing Alina to other people or talking about how she’s the best thing that ever walked this earth.

The Darkling lying: honestly

“I have devoted my life to undoing the great sin of my forebearer, but I am never seen as the solution. Only as a reminder of the problem.” Sasha you were literally the problem. What a manipulative little shit. We love to see it.

The way he closes his eyes and kisses the coin before he makes a wish at the wishing well.

“I think the Grand Palace is the ugliest building I’ve ever seen.” - I love him your honor.

This man has the most intense lines for Alina. Like straight up I would have booked it when he said “you and I are going to change the world”. But then the head grab?! “I’ve been waiting a long time for you.” He’s so intense like sir can you tone it down a bit please I am begging you.

“I shall be right by your side.” / “We can do anything. Together.” / “For us.” / “You cannot do this on your own. And neither can I” / “I want you to know my name. The name I was given, not the title I took for myself. Will you have it, Alina?” - WEDDING VOWS

That scene in the war room when Alina comes to find him and he instantly drops his guard and lowers his arms and welcomes her with a soft voice.

“Am I bothering you?” “Not at all.” - girl you could be stabbing him in the chest and you still wouldn’t be bothering him.

This whipped disaster sounds like the proudest man on the planet when he talks about how much more his enemies fear Alina over him.

His shadows react to his emotions.

“YoUr’E nOt IvAn.” asjlkdfjs god he’s so embarrassing.

Local Dark Lord Sasha offering Alina the throne after she literally tries to kill him.

He gets so jealous of Mal.

Has a great relationship with his soldiers and his men. His men trust him implicitly and believe him to be an amazing general.

When he turns around after Alina puts the kefta on him and looks flustered/has to take a breath because she’s a lot closer than he expected. The way he’s breathless and literally can’t string a sentence together because he’s so distracted by her closeness.

His jokes are absolutely terrible.

GF: *jokes about throwing herself down the stairs to get out of an event* Sasha “no thoughts head empty only Alina” Morozova: haha I’d just have my healers heal you right back up again.

How genuinely touched he is by Alina admitting to wanting to help Grisha and Ravkans.

That scene in Demon in the Woods when he notices the intricate details of the politics in the Grisha camp after one meeting with the Elders. He has the Ulle pegged almost instantly.

Born to be a leader. Born to take care of others. Born to protect. Even in Demon in the Woods he’s protecting people. Even in Demon in the Woods he’s leading them and caring for them.

The way he cups his hands around Alina’s face when they’re kissing.

This man gets so starstruck by Alina walking into the Fete that he doesn’t even excuse himself from the King’s side to go to her.

Long haired Aleksander rights!

Ok I know the wig was kind of ugly but he looks pretty with long hair and I think it would look very good on him naturally.

The way he slams his hands together in the Winter Fete scene and instantly turns the room pitch black.

Literally any times he summons shadows is a blessing and we should all celebrate him for it. They are so beautiful. On god if I ever saw his shadows in real life I would be awestruck.

He asks Mal if he’s okay when they first meet.

The pure, barely contained fury directed at the Conductor for daring to harm Alina and kidnap his Grisha.

He always has to make a grand entrance.

This man is like a bloodhound when it comes to Nina. He is very invested in finding her and I feel like that’s never really talked about.

“I know exactly how she felt. The King’s soldiers treated me the same way. Because they knew- they knew that I was more important than any of them.” - the way he says it, like it’s something he has to remind himself of in his head constantly. a justification for the way he’s been treated, the fear he evokes in others. a way to protect himself from the hurt of being ostracized and reviled. arrogance and conceit as a defense against emotional harm.

Also the way his face instantly changes after that, like he’s said too much. vulnerability. lowering his eyes. shifting his eyes. literally just everything about this scene makes me love him all the more.

Dark carriage rides up to the Crows’ hiding place. Grisha circle the area as Aleksander steps from the carriage slowly, dressed all in black, floofy cloak high on his shoulders. Villain Entrance™

Him slowly pulling a knife out of his chest like it shouldn’t have killed him is hot as fuck and also totally badass. Big dick energy.

“I’ve had enough of your lies.” “And what lies are those?” - Alina, pulling out a fifty mile long scroll of grievances: Well, for starters-

This man is literally just an Alina Starkov compliments machine.

He cares so much about the Grisha and their protection. He loves Ravka and his people so much.

He had an entire cult dedicated to him.

“They would approach him. They always did. But he felt more anxious than usual. He’d stopped trying to make friends in the places he and his mother visited—there was no point when they moved on so quickly. Now he wasn’t quite sure how to go about it.”

Save a Villain. Murder the King.

Openly admits to staging a coup like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

He speaks so slowly. He moves so slowly. Everything he does has to have Purpose and Gravitas.

Theater Nerd™

He knew Nikolai for years and yet couldn’t recognize him as Sturmhond. We do stan an oblivious icon 💕

The Darkling after he gets his ass whooped in Siege and Storm: Mom can you please come pick me up? I’m scared!

He’s here to manipulate sun summoners and murder cities. And unfortunately he’s all out of sun summoners.

Would absolutely get drunk on real alcohol. This man thinks kvas is strong liquor.

Has his wrists exposed exactly one time in the most skin he’s shown all season and it’s when Alina visits him at night in the war room. WHORE!

Was too emotionally slutty and fell for Alina. RIP.

He’s passionate and cold and beautiful and hurt and twisted up in ways nobody could ever hope to understand and he’s stunning.

I would literally kill for this man 🖤✨

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