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unending-happiness · 5 years ago

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Hi, I've got a question out of nowhere! I was looking to re-read a story And When You Soar that was on my AO3 bookmark list and it's apparently not there anymore! I think it was your story? Can I ask what happened to it? If it's indeed the story I remember, I loved it!

Hi! Oh wow. It’s definitely my story! I’m smiling so big because you want to reread it. So…..as for what happened to it, I got a little overwhelmed with all my responsibilities in real life and how little time I had for writing. All my wips just felt like a heavy weight on my shoulders, because no matter how much I wanted to finish them I just didn’t think I’d ever have time. And I also felt so guilty about leaving them for so long without updates and letting readers down. So, I deleted all my wips from AO3 and vowed to only post them again when they were complete on my end (except for editing) and I could update them on a regular schedule. And When You Soar was supposed to be a relatively quick story, but then, as stories do, it took on a life of it’s own and there ended up being way more to it than I originally thought, so it got pulled too.

I’m actually in the middle of writing a long one-shot right now that’s fairly close to being sent to my beta. I don’t know what’s wrong with my writing brain right now, but I get huge bursts of inspiration for something new, then it fades, and rinse and repeat. Super unhelpful.

Now, the good news is, I’ve found myself at the very beginning of a period of being off work and quarantined at home because of this delightful pandemic we’re all experiencing, so I’m going to attack my wips with intensity and AWYS has a very good chance of getting finished soon and back up on ao3. Honestly, thank you so much for this ask because I wasn’t sure what wip from my list to work on after the one I’m finishing now, and you’ve made the decision easy for me. Thank you so much, lovely human! To hold you over until I post it again………

And When You Soar-Chapter 1

Alec ducked his head and stepped through the door and into the plane. He stopped when the elderly woman in front of him came to a standstill and looked around, transferring his suitcase to his other hand. He acknowledged the flight attendant standing to his left with his usual tight smile.

“Welcome aboard,” she greeted him, flashing him a bigger smile of her own.

“Thanks,” Alec answered her before his attention shifted to the open door just past her. A tall pilot standing just inside the flight cabin nodded at him and then turned his attention to who Alec assumed was his co-pilot. Always curious, Alec leaned to the side to see more of the other pilot, but his view into the small space was almost completely obstructed by the large man

“Sir,” the woman said to get his attention again.

He looked over at her and saw that she was motioning for him to move along into the cabin. He realized that the people in front of him had moved forward and he was holding up the line.

“Sorry,” he whispered, as if talking at a normal volume would cause further disturbance.

She just smiled at him sweetly again, and then turned her attention to whoever was behind him. Alec shifted his suitcase so that he could fit down the aisle, and focussed on finding his seat without taking out the tiny woman in front of him. He located his row near the back of the plane and saw that his seatmates hadn’t yet boarded, so he quickly stowed his bag in the overhead compartment and sat down in the aisle seat.

Normally, Alec loved being tall. He never needed a step stool, he had always been chosen first for basketball teams in high-school gym class, and he could see over everyone’s head in a crowd. It also made intimidating people fairly effortless, not that he would ever admit that out loud. Being tall was almost always a perk, but he found that flights were one of the few glaring exceptions.

He always sprang for first class when he had to be on a plane for more than a few hours, but his sister’s last-minute plans had him booking the only available seat on the only available flight that would fit into his demanding schedule. He barely had time to get a workout in and grab a quick shower before his Uber pulled up. He was feeling very lucky that he at least got an aisle seat, and even so, there simply wasn’t going to be a position that would make his legs happy. It was going to be a long night and his only hope would be to fall asleep, which was unlikely, as he found it especially difficult to do in crowded places.

He grabbed his phone and earbuds out of his backpack and put it under the seat in front of him, barely leaving enough room to squeeze his black Nikes in there. When he glanced back up, he could see that there was a young man and woman waiting patiently for him to get up so they could take the seats next to him. He quickly stood and moved to the side. The man eyed him up and down suspiciously and then quickly changed positions with who Alec could only assume was his girlfriend so that he would be sitting next to Alec instead of her. Alec barely contained an eye roll. Heterosexuals. He gave them plenty of space while they got settled and then gingerly lowered himself back into his seat, already regretting going so hard in the gym that morning as his thighs still protested from yesterday’s workout. He would feel it doubly tomorrow.

He went through the process of checking and returning messages on his phone. He handled a few work emails and then touched base with his family. He answered a text from Izzy.

Did you make your flight?

Barely

That’s the spirit. See you soon. 😘

If by “soon” you mean in 9 hours, then yes, that.

Grouchy…..You got stuck in economy again didn’t you? Such a diva.

Next time you come up with some grand scheme, I’m going to need you to think of my legs.

Promise, but I’m sure you could use your powers of persuasion to get yourself into first class. 😎😍

You’re confusing me with you, again

Oh, Alec. Try not to have too much fun.😂 We’ll pick you up at the airport.

Hey, I know how to have fun.

And by “we”, do you mean…..

Simon and I. I wouldn’t bring mom or dad. I’m not that mean.☹️

I have plenty of scars that suggest otherwise, but I’ll see you in 9 short hours.

Love you, big brother

Love you, too.

The perky flight attendant had started her safety speech, which was thankfully straight to the point and not one of those lame ones trying to make everyone laugh. Alec fastened his seatbelt across his black joggers and logged into the airline’s Wi-Fi. He put his phone on airplane mode as soon as he was connected. He glanced over at his seatmates to see the man was huddled up next to his companion and they were chatting quietly and giggling. He didn’t think he had to worry about them trying to talk to him, but he stuck a wireless earbud in that ear anyway just to be sure. He scanned the rest of the passengers within view of him and tried to settle comfortably in his seat when he decided that everything was as it should be.

The pilot he had seen when he boarded the plane came out a few moments later and did the standard pre-flight announcement. Captain Garroway had a deep and booming voice, so Alec clearly heard the weather and their destination all the way from his seat in the back of the plane.

He busied himself with scrolling through his playlist to distract himself during take off. He wasn’t a nervous flyer, but the knowledge that nearly all plane crashes happened during ascent and descent kept him from really relaxing until they were fully up in the air. Being out of control in any situation went against every fiber of his being, and he just had to work through it. He spread his legs a little, pushing his knees all the way against the seatback in front of him, praying that the person wouldn’t want to recline their seat. He crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes.

The plane had just hit cruise height, the most nerve wracking part over, and he was listening to a conversation between a mother and child in front of him when his phone buzzed in his lap.

Alec swiped down his notifications and pulled his eyebrows together when he saw what app the push notification had come from. Of all times to get a message from someone on Grindr, this one had to be the weirdest. He hadn’t even had an account for twenty-four hours yet, only having downloaded it late the night before out of boredom. His sister had joked recently that he needed to “Meet someone on Grindr or something to let off some steam”, and despite everything in his being telling him he wouldn’t be happy with such a thing, he had done it anyway. He wasn’t exactly sure why he had listened to her, because he had no interest in hooking up with a random guy just because he was within so many feet of him. There was actually someone he had something really casual with, but it had been a while since he’d seen him. So, he could probably chalk this horrible lapse in decision making up to being frustrated and horny. Still, he had no intention of using the app, not really.

He thought about dismissing the message without reading it, almost laughing at the thought of having sex with some random stranger in the tiny plane bathroom, when it hit him that the message actually had to be from someone currently on the plane with him. That thought had him sitting up straighter and looking around him as inconspicuous as possible. He didn’t see anyone staring at him, but still, like the truly paranoid person he was, he turned down the brightness on his screen so the people around him would be less likely to see what he was doing. Hesitantly, he opened the message.

It was from someone called “CoyNotCryptic” and the icon wasn’t a person, but instead was an aerial photo of a city he didn’t recognize. Oh-kayyy, that wasn’t going to tell him anything. He looked around the cabin again and then read the message.

I see you’re on my flight. Enjoy the ride to Rome.

Alec stared at the words in disbelief. What are the chances? He quickly tried to figure out who this mystery messenger could be. A fellow passenger? The app informed him that it was someone ninety feet away, which would have to be someone toward the front of the plane. A passenger in first class maybe? Alec looked up at the flight attendants suspiciously. Both were women and he didn’t see a third, but that didn’t necessarily mean there wasn’t another one there. First class sometimes had their own attendant. Thoroughly flustered, he turned off his screen and laid it face down in his lap again, still eyeing the people around him and the front of the cabin.

He made it an impressive five minutes before he unlocked his phone and pulled up the message thread. He clicked on the mystery person’s profile.

All he learned from that was that the guy was 3O ish years old, 5’11”, 175lbs, Bi, and Single. Seemed intriguing enough, but a picture definitely would have been extremely helpful. Fucking Grindr. This was why he didn’t want to mess with it in the first place. He wasn’t going to answer it. Absolutely not. What would he even say? What if the person was a total creep and it was a disaster for the entire eight-hour flight?

Just a few minutes later, bored and antsy, he decided that it was going to bother him if he didn’t at least find out who it was. Oh, what the hell , he thought, and typed out a message.

The chances of this happening have to be a million to one, right?

He tapped his foot nervously while he waited the fifteen seconds for an answer to come.

I’m not privy to the exact statistics, but it doesn’t happen very often, in my professional experience. Does this mean you’re one in a million?

Alec swallowed a laugh. The wording of the message made him feel more like it was someone working on the flight. That was probably less risky than a random passenger. More than a little intrigued, he typed a reply.

By that logic, you would be one in a million, also.

Oh, I definitely am.

How self-aware of you.

Self-aware and humble.

And….working right now??

Yes, although it doesn’t feel like work at the moment.

Because I’m distracting you?

Don’t get ahead of yourself. It could be the 40-ton jet I’m flying. -MB

Alec nearly dropped his damn phone and he was ninety percent sure he said, “No way,” out loud instead of in his head. The pilot!! The pilot was messaging him on Grindr. What the actual hell had Izzy gotten him into?! He had the passing thought that maybe it was somebody else on the plane fucking with him, and he looked around for about the tenth time. And MB? Most definitely not the initials of Garroway, the pilot he saw before. Must’ve been the pilot he hadn’t been able to get a good look at when he boarded.

He didn’t have time to go too far down that rabbit hole of thought, because just then a voice filled the cabin. This one was very different than Captain Garroway’s and it got Alec’s full attention, to say the least.

“Good evening, lovely passengers, this is Captain Bane speaking.”

This voice sent a shiver down his spine and made every nerve ending wake up and take notice. It was a voice of pure silk that made Alec think of skin on skin, of dark passionate nights, of hushed whispers between sloppy kisses.

He was absolutely reeling at the realization that “MB” from Grindr was also Captain Bane, the pilot of this airplane, a man whose voice alone stimulated every cell in Alec’s body. He was thoroughly fucked for the duration of this flight and he couldn’t even find it in himself to be mad about it.

“We are now cruising along at an altitude of 30,000 feet. You may use any larger electronic devices you have at this time, on airplane mode, of course. I’m very good at what I do, but I’d prefer a smooth and easy ride tonight.”

Alec pursed his lips to contain his disbelieving laugh, his eyes wide.

“Please also feel free to take your seatbelt off if you need to move around the cabin, but be sure to put it back on anytime you’re in your seat. This is just a precaution in case of unexpected turbulence, or in the event I jerk my stick a little too hard.”

The passengers around him chuckled at the joke, but Alec thought that there was no possible way in hell any of them could be as affected by those words as he was. This was an unbelievable turn of events.

“My darling flight attendants will be doing drink service soon, and I’d like to ask you to be patient and enjoy whatever quenches your thirst. Please exercise self-control, though, as this is a long flight for all of us. Also, just a reminder that any long arms or long legs that are taking up aisle space, are most definitely at risk of being taken out by Clary and her cart, and need to be tucked safely in your seat. Thank you very much and enjoy the ride to Rome.”

This man. Holy. Fucking. Shit. He needed a drink from Clary and her cart ASAP.

He stared at his phone and that last message. It was clearly his move now, and considering how buzzed he was from the announcements alone, he wanted to make it a good one. He decided he very much wanted to play this game.

Aren’t there rules about texting and flying?

You are in very capable hands. I wasn’t joking when I said I’m good at what I do.

In all seriousness though, my co-pilot is doing all the heavy lifting at the moment, but if this makes you nervous, I’ll stop. I like to keep my customers happy.

Don’t stop.

I’m not worried.

Good. Tell me something?

Ask away.

What takes you to Rome?

My little sister’s impromptu wedding.

Scandalous. Have you met her other half?

Oh, yeah. They’ve been together for a while. The engagement isn’t that surprising, and, really, the quick wedding isn’t either if you know my family. She’s avoiding a lot of drama. I can’t really blame her.

Ah, family drama, ever delightful.

Unfortunately there’s no shortage of it with mine.

How long are you staying in Rome for the wedding?

Just a few days.

It’s an absolutely beautiful city. I can make some recommendations if you’d like……

That would be great.

Perky red rolled up to him with her cart, pulling his focus away from the conversation. He reluctantly placed the phone face down on his tray and tried to not look impatient as he got his wallet with his card out of his bag. She asked the couple next to him what they wanted, and Alec dutifully passed a soda and a red wine over. She ignored his debit card and poured a whiskey on the rocks, probably the most expensive they had on board, and handed it over to him. His confusion must have shown on his face because she winked at him and pointed to the front of the plane. It took a couple seconds for him to get it and then he glanced to his side to be sure the people next to him weren’t paying attention.

“Oh, uh, thanks,“ he whispered, and immediately felt like a moron.

“No problem. If you need anything else at all, just let me know. I’ll be back around for meal orders in just a little bit.”

Alec took a big sip of his drink. It was easily twice the size of the drinks you normally received on a plane and he felt a little guilty that he hadn’t even paid for it. He resisted the urge to look around and see if anyone had noticed his special treatment.

He checked his phone as soon as he felt relaxed from the warmth that had burned its way down his chest. There were no new messages, but he decided that sending him a drink was a pretty loud and clear message of its own and he started typing.

So, now you are flying a plane, texting, AND buying me a drink?! Show off.

Is that a thank you?

Of course. How did you even know where I was sitting?

Well, you see, there are these things called ‘Flight Manifests’ and pilots receive one for every flight. Although I must admit I’ve never found one quite as useful as I do now.

By the way, who uses their real name for a Grindr profile??

People who want their pilots to send them free booze.

Ah. Well, your grand scheme is working out quite nicely then, I’d say.

Seriously though, thank you for the drink.

You’re most welcome, Alexander. (So useful, that manifest)

Nobody calls me that except for my mother when she’s angry with me.

Would you rather I not?

No….you can.

Good, because I’m fond of it.

Speaking of things I’m fond of, Clary tells me that your "longest legs ever” have no business at all being in coach.

Ah, well, you can blame my sister and her last minute plans for that.

Wait, do you have everyone spying on me?!

Not everyone, just Clary, I suppose. Though, to be fair, she mentioned your legs before I had her bring you a drink. Seems “tall, dark, and handsome” appeals to all genders.

I’m going to need more alcohol if you’re going to keep saying things like that.

I’ll let Clary know the gorgeous man with mile long legs in C36 needs another drink soon.

I’m actually blushing.

I’d give my Louis luggage to see that for myself.

I don’t do selfies.

Really? Not even for the man who tried to get you a seat in First class?

It was all booked. I checked.

Yes, it is. But I tried to offer someone top shelf alcohol for the duration of the flight to switch with you.

YOU DIDN’T. Please tell me you didn’t.

Doesn’t matter. It didn’t work anyway. Please pass my apologies onto your legs.

No.

No?

No. If you have a message for my legs, you’ll have to deliver it yourself.

Do you really think it’s wise to cause a rise in the heart rate of the pilot who is flying your plane?

My bad. Pass my apologies onto your heart?

If I have to deliver messages in person, then you do as well.

Can you put the pedal to the floor? Get us on the ground any faster?

Do you know anything at all about airplanes?

No, but you could teach me.

With pleasure.

Lkkdfskhdkhsdfkhd.

Did he really send a keysmash? He did. He did that, as eloquent as ever. Slightly mortified, he waited to be teased for it. When no message came through, he checked his Wi-Fi connection, then his watch, and finally scrolled through his playlist and chose some music, trying to busy himself with something other than shamelessly flirting with the man currently keeping them alive way above the surface of the earth. He was probably very busy at the moment and Alec had to get a grip, especially since they were only an hour and a half into the flight.

By the time the dinner cart went through an hour later, Alec had returned a few more emails, done his budget for the month, organized all the photos in his gallery, and archived all the files on his phone that he didn’t need anymore. He also might have checked Grindr for new messages about twenty times, so he was more than a little ready for that second drink.

This time the other attendant came through, the one with the darker skin and curly hair. She was just as helpful and nice as Clary, but much less hyper, and Alec found that she had a way about her that he liked. With a knowing smile she served him up the same drink as before. She didn’t even try to tell him where it came from, which he appreciated, because at this point he was more than a little self conscious that the entire staff seemed to know the pilot was sending him things.

She took his dinner order and returned twenty minutes later with what could only amount to two standard airline meals and yet another glass of amber liquid. This one was smaller and accompanied by a bottle of water. He didn’t miss how she took his credit card and made herself look busy, before handing it back without actually swiping it. He gave her a genuine smile, very much appreciating her discretion and she patted his shoulder as she went by.

He usually didn’t like to be touched by people, let alone strangers, reserving his physical affection for his family alone. Maybe it was the alcohol warming his veins or the fact that he was currently being lavished with gifts, but he found that the small touch made him happy.

Eventually, he was relaxed enough that he felt like he may actually be able to sleep, but he still declined a pillow and blanket when they came through passing them out to everyone. There was no way he was going to be able to get that comfortable around this many strangers. He made a quick trip to the restroom and stopped in the aisle to stretch his legs and torso as much as he could in the tight space, before regrettably sliding back into his seat. He knocked back the last bit of his drink and followed it with the water, before sliding his tray back up and settling in. His phone buzzed on his leg.

How was dinner?

Pretty good, actually. I think I owe you a few hundred dollars at this point.

Nonsense, it was my pleasure.

Thank you.

Is it sad that this is probably better than any date I’ve ever had?

That’s only because you haven’t been on a proper date with me ; )

Or because I’m bad at the whole dating thing. (Did you just winky face me?)

I think, given the right company, you’d do better than you think. (Yes, yes I did.)

Hah. A high compliment.

How about this for a compliment…….You really need to warn my staff before you go stretching in the aisle, again. Nobody benefits from a passed out crew.

Who told you about that?

Oh, just a little conversation between Clary and Maia.

Ugh.

I like Maia.

AND DON’T YOU HAVE A PLANE TO FLY?!

Shhhhhhhhh. I’m a professional, remember?

And I figured you would. She likes you, too.

Nobody likes me.

That’s very much not true. I happen to have it on good authority that just a small little sliver of your stomach can cause an impressive stir.

Please stop.

Are you blushing again?

I’m not sending you a selfie.

What if I pout?

Don’t do that. I’ll be forced to take one and then I’ll die of embarrassment. Nobody needs that.

*Sighs* I rather like you living, so I’ll give you a pass this time.

So generous.

You have no idea how generous I can be.

You can’t just keep saying things like that to me.

Why not? I’m just trying to give you “sweet dreams” material.

That might be the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard.

Did it make you smile?

Maybe……

Yes.

Good. Regrettably, I have to go do the heavy lifting now. I’ll leave you to sleep.

Sleep. Sure. Easy. No problem.

Goodnight, Alexander.

Surprisingly, sleep came easier than he ever could have imagined it would, given the situation, which made him thankful for the food, booze, and the exhaustion that came with being up for almost twenty-four hours straight. He drifted off replaying the messages from Captain Bane in his head over and over and a relaxed smile on his face.

Alec woke with a start when the man in his row slid their window shade all the way up. He squinted against the bright sun, a clear indication that he slept longer than just a few hours. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands and tried to blink the sleep from them. When he looked around he saw that a few people were still sleeping, but most were awake and talking quietly, with various drinks and snacks. It seemed he had slept through the beverage cart and probably some announcements, and he imagined that they had to be pretty close to landing in Rome.

He hit his knee on something and looked down to see that someone had lowered his tray and placed a lidded cup of coffee, a bottle of water and a blueberry muffin on it. That’s when it all came back to him. He scrambled around in his lap to find his phone, dropping it on the floor in his haste. He leaned down in the tight space to get it and hit his head on the seatback in front of him. “Shit!”

He glanced at his seatmates and said a quick, “Sorry,” for cursing and causing a ruckus, but didn’t pay attention to them long enough to see their reactions. He had much better things to do.

He managed to fish his phone off the floor and quickly straightened, sliding down his notifications with impressive speed and selecting the one he wanted.

Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. If you need anything else, let me know.

Alec grinned and took a big gulp of his coffee before replying. He needed to wake up fast.

You are a gift, you know that?

Does that mean you’re going to eagerly unwrap me?

It’s too early for sentences like that.

It’s never too early for sentences like that.

How long until we land?

An hour and seventeen minutes.

Aren’t you getting tired?

I’m used to it, darling. Don’t worry about me.

Darling. He actively tried to keep a stupid smile from taking over his face. An hour. An hour until he exited this plane…..through the front of the plane. The front of the plane where this man currently was. Fuck. He needed a lot more coffee, a toothbrush, and a mirror STAT. He looked down at his crumpled t-shirt and jogging pants and swore under his breath. Truthfully, Alec wasn’t even sure he would be seeing him in person when they landed. He hadn’t seen him when they boarded, and so maybe it would be a repeat of that. That thought was too disappointing for him though, so he pushed it away and set about righting himself, just in case.

He drank his coffee down as quickly as he could without burning his mouth. Then he wrapped his muffin up in the package and put it in his backpack, knowing there was no way his nervous early morning stomach would tolerate it. He grabbed his toiletry bag and rushed to the bathroom before the imminent announcement that they had to stay in their seats.

Once he was folded in the cramped space, he brushed his teeth and thanked God for his recent haircut in preparation for the wedding. He spent a few minutes mussing his hair up with his fingers and a bit of water before deciding it was about as good as it was going to get. He ran his hand over his face and decided the scruff there wasn’t too bad, not bad enough to shave in an airplane bathroom, at least.

He started to stretch and then abruptly stopped, self-conscious that people would notice and he’d be the subject of mile-high gossip once again. He returned to his seat feeling a bit more human and a lot more nervous.

Clary came walking down the aisle with purpose, smiled way too brightly at him for 7 a.m. and handed him a folded up slip of paper. He hesitantly took it with a polite, “Thanks,” and immediately opened it and read the elegant script.

Meet me up front, if you want , after everyone else has deplaned.

~M.

If you want. He wasn’t sure he had ever wanted anything so much in his life.

Captain Garroway came over the intercom to let them know they were beginning their descent and Alec didn’t comprehend any of it. He put his seatbelt on when others around him did and tried to stop bouncing his leg nervously. Maybe he had a little too much coffee.

Ten minutes later they landed in Rome without incident, and Alec unbuckled his seatbelt and wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. Why the hell was he so nervous? He watched as the other passengers gathered their belongings and exited at an agonizingly slow pace. Twice he got up and helped someone get a bag out of the compartment to hurry the process along. He tried really fucking hard to not compare the man across from him to a sloth, like a total asshole. Finally, when it got to his row he stood up and let the man and woman go by him.

Once they had their stuff gathered, the woman unexpectedly turned to Alec and said, “I just have to know, are you some kind of celebrity or something?”

Alec balked.

The man with her looked shocked as he nudged her. “Jules!”

She shrugged. “What? It’s kind of obvious.” She turned back to Alec. “Which movies are you in?”

Alec huffed out a laugh, “What? No…”

He was relieved when her boyfriend tugged her along even if he was kind of amused at the last disbelieving look she shot him.

The last few rows went by without any more accusations of stardom, which Alec was very grateful for, and then Clary passed by him last, with a wink and a little wave. He groaned out loud and didn’t even feel bad for it.

There was movement at the front of the plane from the crew and he forced himself to not focus on any of it, but instead he pulled his suitcase out of the overhead bin and threw his backpack over his shoulder. He started walking.

It all became too real when he saw Clary and Maia exit the plane behind the passengers. That wasn’t normal, was it? That definitely wasn’t normal. Jesus Christ, his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He got to first class and the other pilot, Garroway, was standing there in front of the cockpit door, his bag in hand. He shot Alec a smug, crooked smile and left the plane without a word.

And then there he stood.

There he stood looking way more beautiful than anyone who had been working all night had any right to. His eyes were bright and kohl-rimmed, his features strong and beautiful even as he nervously rubbed the fingers of his left hand together. He really was a kind of perfect that Alec hadn’t even realized existed. He wanted to devour him.

Alec watched, a little stunned, as he stepped forward. Then, he tilted his head up in a challenge and parted his lips, and that was all it took.

Alec abandoned his luggage right there in the aisle and went to him. He reached out with both hands, pressing one hand to his hip and grabbing his shirt with the other, pulling him into him. He kissed him hard, already drowning in the scent of him, the feel of him.

They started stumbling backward, and Alec realized that he was throwing his weight around too much, but fucking hell, he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t even think as he pressed their lips together over and over. He wanted it hard and fast, soft and slow, any and every way he could have him.

They stumbled through the door and into the back of the captain’s chair with an “oomph” and Alec opened his eyes briefly to drink him in.

“Alec,” he said, his breath hot on Alec’s lips, eyes still closed.

“Magnus,” Alec said, stepping into him even more, closing the tiniest bit of space that was left between them. “Fuck, I missed you.”

Magnus opened his eyes and smiled at him. “Yes, I can feel that,” he said, rolling his hips against Alec’s.

“You haven’t felt anything yet,” Alec said, his voice gruff.

Magnus slid a hand between them, “Oh, this isn’t just anything,” he said, rubbing fingers down Alec’s length through his pants. He curled them under the waistband and tugged, causing Alec to go from half-hard to fully erect in no time flat. “I like these pants…….a lot.”

Alec rubbed circles on Magnus’ ribcage with his thumb to distract himself so he could manage to speak a coherent sentence. “They’re perfect for long flights.”

He nearly whimpered when Magnus retracted his hand, but somehow still managed to narrow his eyes at him. “Speaking of long flights,” he said, “I’m supposed to be mad at you.”

Magnus smiled at him. “Oh, really? Whatever did I do?”

At that moment he realized how much he had missed that. His smile, his cunning wit, the elegance with which he spoke, his humor. All of it. He had missed all of Magnus. Desperately. He couldn’t believe he even considered the notion that anyone he met on a hookup app would be enough.

He stepped back a little bit, trying to be serious, but he didn’t remove his hands from Magnus’ waist, because he wasn’t planning on going far, maybe ever. “Well, you were in the city where I live and you didn’t even call me,” he accused, trying not to sound too desperate and probably failing miserably.

Magnus’ eyes twinkled with mischief, which should have prepared Alec for what came next, but before he knew it Magnus had changed their positions, and Alec was being pushed back against the chair, with Magnus pressing up against him, chest to hip. He leaned in and whispered in Alec’s ear, “Mmmmmm, well, if you needed me to dick you down, all you had to do was say something.” He nibbled gently at his earlobe and Alec almost forgot how to move air.

Fucking hell, if that didn’t make him damn near want to beg. “This is me saying something.”

Magnus kissed his neck ever so lightly, which sent shivers all the way down his body. “Hmmmm, what exactly are you saying, darling?”

“Magnus,” he said, exasperated and damn near floating with desire. Or lack of oxygen. Probably both.

“Alexander,” he practically purred back.

That was the first time Alec had ever heard him say his full name and he hoped it wasn’t even close to the last time. He actually fucking whimpered, and that was when he decided this wasn’t the time to be stubborn. “I need you to dick me down,” he admitted, snaking a hand up and grabbing Magnus’ hair. He pulled his head back and away from his neck to get back some control, instead kissing him deeply, sliding his tongue into his mouth and languidly tasting him.

Magnus moaned into his mouth and returned the kiss with equal intensity, before pulling away to answer him, grinding their hips together once more for good measure.

“With pleasure, if you promise to put that beautiful mouth of yours to good use.”

Alec’s whole body was singing at that promise. “Deal.” He looked around, thinking of logistics for all the things they were about to do, and then he was snapped back into the reality of exactly where they were.

“You’re a pilot,” he said, matter of fact, even if a little breathless.

“I am.” Magnus smiled. “Are you impressed?”

“Very, but what else is new?” Alec answered.

Magnus laughed, “I have to admit this is turning out most favorable for me as well.”

Alec looked around, “How long before you have to fly out again?”

Magnus said, “A couple of days…ish.”

“Ish?” Alec asked.

“That’s what I said.”

“Can you come to my hotel later?” Alec asked.

Magnus bit his bottom lip, then grinned. “You aren’t even a little tempted to do it right here, Alec? It is a Cock-pit, after all. It’s right there in the name,” he whispered.

Alec smiled, “Wow.” Honestly, fuck him for being so sexy while delivering such outrageous lines.

Magnus laughed deeply, and Alec ran a large hand down his chest and pulled his shirt down to kiss what he could of his collar bone. “Believe me, I’m very, very tempted, but I want to get you completely naked, lay you out on a bed, and take my time with you. I’ve had enough of cramped spaces for a while.”

“How could I possibly argue with that logic?” Magnus asked.

“You can’t,” Alec said.

“Text me your hotel information and give me a couple of hours?” Magnus asked.

The “couple of hours” part had him rethinking the whole “fucking in the cockpit of this plane” business, but he pushed away from Magnus with Herculean effort and placed one last and lingering kiss to his lips.

Alec forced himself to go back into the plane to collect his belongings, feeling Magnus’ eyes on him the whole way. When he passed by him again, Magnus was leaning against the door, a knowing smirk on his face.

Alec gestured to Magnus’ uniform. “Are you going to be wearing this when you stop by?” He couldn’t resist asking.

Magnus’ eyes crinkled with his smile. “Ooh, does someone have a kink?”

“Says the man who’s obsessed with my legs,” he countered, grinning back.

Magnus laughed, and Alec thought that it might very well be the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard. “Get out of my airplane, Alexander.”

#asks #answers #ever-so-nice #this was so lovely #thank you #and im sorry for being such a damn hot mess #and when you soar #oh how i have to get to working on this #ive missed this version of them #fanfic #myfics #malec #malec au #pilot magnus #the one prompted by the twitter post of a pilot messaging someone on grindr

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sherlollydramoine · 5 years ago

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Welcome to the Tumblr-Dome Bitch! Pt 3

Warnings: smut-ish, mostly implied. Fluff with a cute ending. Also, don’t come for me because online friendships are very real.

Okay y’all so I had to break this ish up into three parts, because well.. This idea got away from me. This is the conclusion. I realize that some of this is very out of character for Rami but this idea got away from me and it was making me laugh. So I’m sorry. I hope you can enjoy this ridiculous thing for what it is.

(PART ONE) (PART TWO)

Word Count: 1342

You both decided for your sanity to just avoid Tumblr for the rest of the day/evening.

You showered and got ready for your evening with Rami, while he was texting you on and off the entire rest of the day.

Making dinner turned into something interesting, since you weren’t really sure what to cook.

Settling on one of your faves, you made a pot roast. You already had the roast thawed since you wanted to make it for dinner anyway. The prep went quickly since you just had to pop it in the oven.

He had agreed to come over around four-thirty to five, and you still had a little bit of food to finish.

You let him into your building and told him your door was unlocked.

When he showed up he was holding a bag that sounded like glass bottles clinking together.

“I brought several different kinds of alcohol as an apology for the shit storm I created for you. I really am sorry.”

You just laugh and tell him that it was okay.

He places a small kiss on your temple while you finished working on the potatoes.

“It smells delicious in here, what did you make?”

“Pot roast. It’s a comfort food of mine and one of my favorite meals ever.”

“Smells heavenly, so alcohol, pick your poison. I’m honestly down for some tequila right now.”

“God, me too!” you exclaim as you pull out a couple of glasses and some ice.

Why don’t you take your drink and meet me at the table, I’ll be there in just a few minutes. With dinner.”

You gathered up all of the food and slowly brought everything to the table, while he sat there sipping on his drink.

Once you were both seated you ate and chatted. Mostly about the interesting turn of events of the last eighteen hours, upcoming work projects, and life.

Conversation between you two somehow was easy just like it was when you two met last night.

After you finished eating, clearing the table, and putting the food away you both settled on the couch. You both had, had a few drinks already and you weren’t sure if he was being funny or not but suggested you do something that is really going to set people into a frenzy.

“Why don’t we take a selfie and post it on my Tumblr blog? I don’t know why. I know this is stupid and could cause a frenzy but maybe I should settle something. Maybe I should just let the world know it’s me. You said there is a way to disable messages right?”

“Oh Lord Rami, this is stupid, but yes it is possible. I can show you, but you might have to do it from a laptop.”

“Well good thing yours is right here YN.”

“Most of my followers don’t even know what I look like anyway so I don’t see how this can hurt, unless you tag me in it.”

He brought out his phone and the two of you settled into a comfortable position on the couch before snapping a selfie.

He opened the Tumblr app and posted the photo and he tagged you in it. Shortly after hitting the post button he opened the Twitter app and posted the picture of the two of you with the caption “Dinner, drinks, and snuggle time with my new favorite person. Just posted this on my new Tumblr blog ItsMeRami” Your jaw nearly hit the floor.

You watch as he hits post, and then you open the Tumblr app on your laptop and allow him to log in. You show him how to disable anons, which he does and then closes the laptop.

“Rami, this is going to blow the fuck up and-”

He just smiles at you before capturing your lips in his.

The panic subsided as his lips began to work yours, tasting a mixture of pot roast and tequila.

All the possible Tumblr drama forgotten as his hands slowly work their way from your hair all the way down your body before settling on your waist.

The soft moan that escapes you as your body instinctively moves closer to his.

Your hands end up tangled in his hair, while you straddle his hips, your lips still locked together in a heated kiss.

You feel yourself grinding down on him through his jeans his little hums of pleasure vibrating through his chest and into yours.

You almost laugh as he flips you both over and catches your top with his teeth before pulling.

“In that piece of fan fiction that I read, I must have been strong or the top flimsy because there is no way I am ripping your shirt off with my teeth.”

You laugh for a second, as his hips grind into yours the pressure from his jeans feeling amazing against your center.

“Oh my God. I don’t care what you do just please…”you whine out unable to form any other words.

His hands quickly work his jeans open as he pulls his cock out of his jeans. Your eyes wide at the gloriousness that is his cock.

You had forgotten panties with your skirt and you were glad that you had, as his hand finds your core.

“So wet darling. So wet already.”

“Rami?”

“Yes?”

“Fuck me please?”

And with that he slides himself into you slowly. Your eyes locked as you moan at the sensation of him filling you.

He doesn’t just fuck you, no, he loves you. Several times that night and almost every night after.

This is a night that you both remember forever, and that selfie you took that night now sits on the mantle of your house four years later. It was just after Christmas now, not quite New Year’s Eve, your belly rounded with the evidence of the late stages of your pregnancy.

He comes into the living room, his hair wet from the shower he had just taken as he stops to admire you from afar.

“Who would have thought that would have turned out to be one of the best nights of our lives?”

Your head turning to look at him as you smile, hands unconsciously rubbing your belly.

“Yeah I know. And I can’t believe that we both still have our damn Tumblr accounts. The girls say ‘hi’ by the way. And Peen is glad you gave permission to post that photo that I snapped. Always glad for more content, because your dick is glorious even clothed. Those jeans look so good on you. She really is grateful for the ‘exclusive’ content that we give her.”

He just laughs.” I’ll message her and free-rami later about the baby shower ideas they had, they both said that they will be able to be here for it.”

You laugh again. Who would have ever really thought that a chance encounter in a bar and a random foray into Tumblr, would lead to having the best friends and the best husband ever?

“Yeah it took like six months for the Tumbly drama to die down. Man, some of those people came for you hard babe.Glad you mostly just blocked them or deleted them. My publicist also wasn’t super thrilled that I did what I did, but she did find it hilarious. My fans think that my people run my Tumblr blog, but they don’t realize it’s still just mostly you and I that do all of that. And your fanfiction has definitely gotten better, maybe it’s because you write what you know?” he smiles into your hair, you roll your eyes. Even after four years he is still the same.

“Oh my God! You have no idea how many anons I get asking me what your dick is like, since I never really give full descriptions of it. They all want to know how big it is, and if I could upload any photos. People are weird and so is Tumblr. I think your fans are just glad that you engage on social media now, even if it is still very limited.”

“YN, you first told me that Tumblr is a cesspool of the weird and bizarre. Is it any surprise?”

“No.” you laugh again, settling your body back into your husbands.

@the-real-ramimalekpeen @r-ahh-mi @mrhoemazzello @txmel @xmxisxforxmaybe @ramimedley @free-rami @hissom1933 @spacedustmazzello @ramimedley

#rami malek #rami malek fanfiction #rami malek hilarity #rami malek smut

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dissimulations · 6 years ago

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Like, yeah, sure, Lilly's curly hair is cute and all, but have you seen her walk around with her hands in her pocket like she's a hip teenager? Her teacher the other day was telling me a story about how Lilly was pushing her bear around in a stroller, then she paused and looked at me expectantly. I just looked back at her not knowing why she paused. She laughed and said that SHE thought it was super cute and then I realized too late she was pausing to give me a chance to react to her story. Ha! I don't think that's cute though. I feel very meh about it. But let me see her with her hands in her pockets and I melt, or like last night, Lilly was using my legs as a slide and she was annoying me cause she was stepping all over my breasts and tummy so I pushed her off on to the bed hoping we could switch games into rough housing instead of me being trampled. At first she laughed and was delighted, but then she told me "No thank you" then she came real close to my face and said calmly, "you have to remember, ok? No pushing me. Look at my face. What did I say?" Hahahaha! It was the most grown up thing I've ever heard her say and it was delivered in this perfect kind but firm tone. It was great.

Long post today because Tumblr keeps not posting my posts. I deleted and reinstalled. Hopefully it cooperates now.

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moonlightobrien · 6 years ago

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☔️☔️☔️

i highly apologize for this vent. i know you all are tired of me venting all the time on my tumblr page, but it's very hard when you all have is your tumblr post to actually vent to instead of your actual parents because all they are going to do is call you 'victim or 'emo' so this is all i have right now to express how i'm actually feeling. so if you don't want to listen to me and my nevertheless sadness then ignore me, and continue on your day or night. as you all know (well some of you.) that i had to let go & move on from a toxic friendship (not relationship) because i couldn't forget what he did to me, which was he constantly lied to me about things that he did apard himself, he told everyone that we were dating, even though we wasn't dating, he went out with his crazy ass ex who talked shit about me since his ex and I were friends, but then i found out her true layers. his ex also caused drama (a lot.) which i still don't understand why he went out with her, still confuses me till this day. he would blame other people for what he did, and then he started talking shit about how friendship ended to everyone, which wasn't cool cause I'm the type of person who doesn't like it when other people knows about MY BUSINESS. Anyways, back in around either July to August, I was in the moving on stage of life, and that's when he texted me back (the reason why he has been ignoring my messages because he got a new phone,) we started texting each other back & forth, comes to find out that he still likes me like that, he even told me that he was in love with me but the thing is how can you be in love with me after all the shit you did to me? that's not love. you know there were days where i wanted to let go of him completely & moved on, and there were days where i wanted to keep being friends with him. there were nights where i stayed up super late (not like till 4am late.) crying because of what he did to me as well as thinking about how i truly honestly feel about him, throughout those late nights, my head started to hurt because of my thoughts of what i wanted to do or what not i wanted to do.

my feelings kept going in & out every single day, there were nights where we had good conversations & there were nights where we didn't talk at all.. and the thing is, i hate how i was always the one who had to start the conversation.. like beforehand, he would text me saying hi and stuff like that, and it just shifted to me being the one who had to always text him first or he wouldn't text me at all. there were nights where i had to actually wait on him to text me or i just wouldn't text him at all, there were days where we didn't text each other throughout the entire day. it's just sometimes i wish i had a guy who would text me first. At first, when we were friends before our first friendship breakup, he would text me first all the time, saying where he was or asking me what i was doing or just a simple hello. keep in mind, this is our second back together & breakup. Now, it all went downhill from there, and i just couldn't take my feelings being mixed up anymore. i just couldn't. so literally last month, either in the middle or end of the month, I told him how I truly felt about us & he was being, i don't know how to put it, it was just he was just saying how he was going to die alone & stuff like that.. and he knew that this would happen.. and so on. He kept saying that he was sorry, but to me that wasn't enough, like here's a little fact about me, I'm a overcaring person.. and if you hurt me emotionally multiple times... i take that very deeply.

i'm not the type of person who likes to be fooled with or emotionally in pain since all of my life, i dealt with emotionally pain. So, I decided not to text him for a couple of days, and the thing is, if you were so called 'fighting for our friendship' you would sending me multiple messages or calling me multiple times to actually fight for our friendship, but he didn't at all. nothing. no messages. no phone calls. After those couple of days, I now realized that I had to let him go completely & moved on from him. In the middle ish ending part of last month, I finally deleted his number & he hasn't texted me since then.

now the thing i'm venting about or why i'm sad is because i feel lonely every day like i'm never going to find my stiles stilinski in life, but also the thing is i'm scared to be in a relationship with someone.. i don't know why i am.. i really don't... maybe it's because of how many times i got lied on & now i guess you can say that i'm somewhat scared to fall in love or even have a crush on someone.. it's just i'm tired of being the person who always have to be the one who texts a guy first & not the guy texting me first. i just want someone who isn't going to lie on me, and actually be truthful to me, someone who will treat me right.. (i need a stiles stilinski in my life.) these last couple of days, i just been half happy and half sad because of the loneliness i feel everyday. so i don't know. i just wanted to express to you guys how i honestly feel about this since once again i can't go to my parents about this because all they would think that i'm a victim or i'm being emo & they don't want to deal with it nor they don't care how i feel so.

again, if you don't want to hear this girl once again venting about her sadnesses of life even though her birthday is literally next week, ignore this.. if you read this long ass essay, thanks for listening. ♥️

#about me #personal

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sabrinaleethings · 6 years ago

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Writer’s Block: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Howdy internet!

I haven’t always been a writer, in fact only within the past few years I’ve started doubling down and taking writing seriously.

I went to college for illustration back in 2015, and it was then I hit my first mental block when it came to artistic inspiration. It sucked! I remember distinctly two separate pieces I had to do where I couldn’t for the life of me get the pencil on my sketchbook, and ended up handing in my assignments late because I couldn’t for the life of me get through whatever artistic block I was struck in.

That leads me to now- artist block and writers block varies from person to person. Sometimes mental health issues like depression or anxiety causes people to avoid writing (or drawing etc.) - and sometimes make it physically impossible get anything done. If you know that this is one of the main factors in keeping you from doing what you want to do, please talk to someone! Seek help from someone you trust, whether it be a friend, your family, or even a doctor!

Now, if there’s more to your story (pun fully intended) and somehow you’re finding yourself stuck in the middle of a scene or a random dialogue, or terrified to write very beginning of your piece, I’ve got a few tips and tricks I use to bust through the mental wall and create some kick-ass products!

Let’s do this!

Let’s Start at the Beginning, shall we?

So, before you’ve even started anything. Let’s say your given a task or you have the itch to write- you know the one where your hands are BEGGING you to type something, or write something, but you just....can’t?

Happens to me all the freaking time. Here’s what I do:

If I sit down somewhere to type or write and my mind is like a huge bowl of pudding, I move my booty.

Sometimes changing your work space, or even the physical location of your body can clear up some of the gunk in your brain.

Instead of sitting in your bed (like I usually do) move to your desk, take a notebook outside on your porch, sit on the couch (with the TV turned off), go to your local library or bookstore, become a hermit in a cafe somewhere- you’d be surprised at how well this works!

Skim through some of your favorite books for inspiration

This gets your brain moving in a “writers” kind-of way!

I like to flip through my Maggie Stiefvater books and read random scenes, or (my favorite) read some poetry (My go-to being “Our Numbered Days” by Neil Hilborn)

Check out some art or fanart from your favorite fandoms or artists!

Now, don’t let this be your excuse to procrastinate and get stuck on tumblr for hours on end (*cough cough* @me)

The key here is to yes, scroll through tumblr artists, instagram drawings, or even your favorite art book, BUT while doing this, let your mind wander. Imagine your own scenes or scenarios in your head while you do so-you’d be surprised how easy it is to clear the clutter in your head when you let yourself zone out and relax!

Now, the ugly sorta trick that I do sometimes (even though it’s gonna sound awful).

Just do it. *Insert Shia LaBeouf*

Put your hand to the paper, put your fingers on the keys, turn on your audio recording device and just bullshit something.

If I’m sitting at my computer with severe mental block about a scene I’m writing, and I can’t seem to break the funk, I just start typing something. Alot of the time it’s a “what would happen if...” and I write it. Usually it begins like a rusty machine, rough and crappy, but once you get your fingers moving and your thoughts begin to just lay themselves down on the paper or on the screen, most of the time your good to go and the mental block is gonzo!

White Space Anxiety

Whatchu talking about, Sabrina? Wellllll have you ever got a new notebook and you just, cant wait to start writing something in it, but suddenly nothing seems worthy to be written down? Have you ever opened a new word or google docs document and suddenly your fingers forgot how to word?

Lots of peeps, (me included) suffer from this type of writer’s anxiety and it prevents us from actually writing anything- total writer’s block!

Whelp let me help with what I’ve found that works:

Skip the first page!

If you got yourself a fancy new leather bound, engraved, blessed journal, or a fresh new staple’s notebook with the fancy cloth cover, just flip past the first page (the one where a bookplate or “title page” would go-) and start from page 2 or on.(If you’re super desperate like me, start five or six pages in!) By doing so, you’re tricking your brain that you’ve already written in said journal and most of the anxiety about making things “perfect” go away!

If your typing on a document, turn the font to like, a hundred!

I sometimes do this if I feel I keep focusing on the quantity of words I’m able to pump out on the first page, rather than what I should be writing.

By super pumping up that font size, you’ll fill the first few pages faster and almost immediately, and the happy hormones in your brain are gonna be like, “yes! you’re writing, good job-keep going!”

Once you’ve written like six or seven pages (maybe more depending if you went for the 150 pt font) reset the size back to normal when you feel like stopping or you feel like you’re on a roll, and voila! You’re on your way to a productive (and self-satisfying) day!

Okay, now that you’ve gotten at least something written and you find yourself in the middle of an idea or scene and suddenly ... dun dun dun You’re mind is drawing a blank. Writer’s block has fully set itself inside your noggin right in the middle of all your hard work, what do you do now!?

Writer’s Block Right in the Dang Middle

It sucks, and it happens.

Sometimes if you’ve been working a lot, and you’re not realizing how exhausted your mind actually is - it can feel like it turns off sometimes.

If you don’t have a strict deadline, and you’ve gotten a bunch done, sometimes taking a break is what you need. It sucks, because I know how much you want to write, but your mental health comes first and you deserve a break too!

Whether you just take a walk, or go grab some wine or juice, give your brain a break!

Do something other than writing- go stimulate other parts of your brain, come back, and see the difference!

Along the same line, if you do indeed have a deadline sneaking up on you and you’ve got yourself a bunch more to do but get stuck, try these things:

Take a short break.

Short meaning don’t spend hours and the rest of your day/night trolling through the internet or lose yourself neck deep in conspiracy theories on YouTube (I feel personally attacked here)

Save your work, get up from your spot, and leave the room if possible.

Leaving your room and physically moving your body, gets your blood pumping again and wakes you up subconsciously and that alone can help!

Drink water. H2O. Agua.

Sometimes, after I’ve been typing for what feels like forever, I don’t realize how much time passes, and suddenly realizes it’s been four hours and I haven’t had anything to eat/drink.

It’s easy to get dehydrated and as living beings on this place called Earth, we need water. Sometimes drinking a big glass of ice-cold refreshing water is just what your body needs to do its job! (Did I make you thirst? Good, drink some water! Take care of yourself!)

If you’re in the middle of a scene and can’t physically put into words what happens next:

Skip the scene!

Don’t stress yourself too badly on it if it’s not coming to you naturally. Move on to the next part in your piece, and start with a fresh idea! (You can always go back after, and finish/include the part you skipped!)

Re-read the last couple paragraphs you’ve written, and change up the last couple sentences (sometimes even paragraphs). Completely re-write them, or get rid of em!

Sometimes a writer’s block in the middle of the scene can quite possibly be your own novel or piece’s way of telling you that you’ve dug yourself into a little bit of a ditch and now you have to climb out of it. Meaning the way you’ve ended things in the previous sentences, don’t allow for a good, fluid transition into the next part of the scene.

Totally re-write the scene or idea that your working on!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve deleted entire pages of crap that I could not continue to write, because I kept getting stuck.

Sometimes after fleshing out a scene or idea so perfectly, things become stale and unable to be continued simply because there’s something, some element or transitioning, just doesn’t work. Taking a great big hypothetical rubber eraser and getting rid of everything might just be the way to go!

More simple things to do if you find yourself with a writer’s block in the middle of your piece

Plan out what you’re going to write.

If you’re a ‘pantser’ (someone who writes without any, or very minimal planning beforehand) sometimes you need to plan your next moves - not only will it allow you to better flesh out your plot, but it can show you possible plot holes that you’re stuck in at the moment. It can also give you a very specific direction to move in if you know what happens next.

Change the music you’re listening to/ put on some tunes if your not!

Google “inspirational quotes for writers” ... trust me on this one.

Go make some food... and then come back quickly after!

*Make sure it isn’t a super carb-heavy or ‘thick’ food- you don’t wanna be sleepy afterwards!

And along with the previous point-brew some coffee or tea!

Curse. Heavily. Outloud.

Of course this all depends where you’re located.

And if you can’t curse, or don’t like to, sing loudly to yourself or yell random things out loud!

Ideas include: “Let it go, LET IT GO...” “I will write this fudgning piece of doo doo even if it kills me! You got this, you lovely, talented writer, JUST DO IT.”

In conclusion to this super long, probably-never-will-be-read-post- writer’s block happens, and it is something that can be overcome if you allow yourself to try something different!

Holy guacamole that was a long one- sorry about that.

Anything I’m missing? What have you tried that has actually worked? Let me know!

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feverhalo · 7 years ago

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So. Heres this old fic from uhhhhhhhhhhhhh I really don’t remember how long ago. Originally I had it split into 3 parts on the posts that inspired it- and it was my first attempt at writing anything along the lines of stuffing, but it kind of ended up more like he was already coming down with something. It was on my first attempt at a fic blog- way back when and it got deleted because I didnt know how sideblogs worked back then and goofed. Thought I lost everything, then I found an old disc with a whole whack of it on there.

At the moment I can only find 2 of the 3 posts of the art that inspired it here and here. I’ll link the missing post as soon as I find it.

so um, warnings for vomit, cussing, and over-eating-ish and mentions of drinking. and I also am not editing it because im super lazy so its in the same glory as it was when i posted it years ago (2012 apparently)

2,864 words, apparently.

“Come on people! When I say I want you all mobilized in fifteen I don’t mean in half a damn hour. I mean twenty minutes ago.” Fury fumed over the intercom from his station on scene. His voice bounced off the inside of the transport van and rung through each individual earpiece. “Rise and shine, ‘cause we are in a fucking war against some baddies if you haven’t all noticed. You are my agents and I am expecting you to do your damn jobs at my order.”

“Load of fucking shit,” the sniper agent to Clint’s left mumbled, “two a.m. wakeup call is horseshit. I just finished a mission and got back at ten last night.”

“Yeah, welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D brother, what did you think this was? Day camp?” Clint double checked his packet was still together. He’d read it once they got to their positions, it was too dark inside the van. He shook his head a bit when the other agent went back to fuming. Running on low sleep was nothing, sure the headaches and fuzziness were a pain in the ass sometimes but it’s not hard to get used to. You have to get used to it in this job. Same with messed up schedules on basically everything. They would get an hour tops to set up and get ready for a long haul on their stations.

What he managed to make sense of before climbing in the back of the vehicle through his sleep-fogged mind was that they needed to be ready for anything by three thirty, three forty five at the latest with the other crew up ahead of them set up. He rubbed his face trying to wake up more, must be all the time he’s spent on normal schedule lately, it was causing a real issue. He wasn’t looking forward to the no doubt shitty and militant type food they were all going to have for breakfast within the next hour either. He was getting soft on the new routine of near-normal sleep and actual tasteful food instead of vacuum packed crap made for boosting endurance.

He leaned back to try and get into the mindset for the day. It was going to be a very very long one. Someone mentioned they might be stuck out there until seven that night. By then they’d have relief agents come in to give them a break, but as Hawkeye, well he was probably expected to stay around. Most teams wouldn’t shelf their best shooter if they could help it. He’d probably get a nap in at some stationed area. Though the accidental nap he got on the way there wasn’t something he completely cursed even though he didn’t like the fact of it.

“Alright, come on move out you all got a lot to go over and not much time.” The voice crackling into his ear is what startled him awake, and the hatch of the van swinging open definitely helped make that happen faster. Keeping near silent, everyone filed out and headed into the building while Agent Hill took control of their transport and directed it to their station a little ways away hidden in a different building.

Everyone was handed a pack; filled with the shitty food and bottles of water for their posts, their weapons if they hadn’t brought any and extra ammo and pieces if they did, additional intel for their briefing packages according to pay grade, and some quick hushed instruction to where they were all to be.

Clint took his without a word and made his way to his post. Abandoned, or purposefully emptied, industrial building and the usual sort of interior. Too much moving about would give away his position on the metal catwalk. He had a few windows to observe through and a railing to his back. He dropped his pack as lightly and quietly as he could and set himself facing the railing to observe everyone being dispatched while he read over his briefing package.

Exact sort of thing he expected since they woke him up. Nothing too big, but big enough to require a lot of force if anything went bad. He was given another radio code with instructions to call the other Avengers if things turned too ugly. And it was going to be a long-ass day. No break in sight until afternoon if they were lucky. He ripped open the first package of… well. He opened the first nutritional packet and set to work on it mindlessly while he kept reading and rereading. This was coded, but memorizing it and burning it was always his procedure.

By the fourth read through he was nearly done the second pack. Best to eat as much as he could, as much as he hated it and was off-put by eating at such a strange time after the Avengers got together. Professional agent Clint Barton, code name Hawkeye, sharpest shooter as they came- but totally useless without a sugar rush to start him at this time of night, and hell to deal with if he crashes afterward. Carbs, protein, sugar. The three biggest and most annoying things to eat right now, low on time and rushing to compensate for his mental sluggishness at this hour.

He startled himself with a small belch and nearly dropped everything. He did a quick scan and everything seemed normal. Confused for a second longer as to the origin of the sound, he came to the realization when he hiccupped. Ah. Right. He was eating, and apparently at the speed he was reading if the blooming discomfort in his slightly distended abdomen was anything to go by. He took a swig of the only soda from his pack, no doubt put there as a favor from a very sneaky woman. He let it fizz up in his mouth before swallowing it.

New diet. That’s another thing he reminded himself to update S.H.I.E.L.D on before the next mission. He downed some more soda and let the carbonation work its way back out in a few more small burps. It was definitely a good feeling. He just had to work the rest of the air out before the mission started. No big deal.

“Relax Barton,” He shifted in his new ‘nest’, “nothing you haven’t had to do before. Good to know I can still get mission jitters, heh. Maybe this’ll be fun.” He wanted it to be. He definitely wasn’t expecting this call when he decided to turn in early last night. He tried to tell himself the slight trembling feeling, not that he’d let his hands shake at all if it could be helped, was from nerves. Big man in the world now, sure, but unexpected missions always had excitement to them. Sometimes it left you a little shaken in the best ways. Not that he was sure how good this sort of shaken felt yet, all he could say for certain was that it was strange.

He shrugged his shoulders and straightened out before packing away the left overs and digging out a lighter to burn the paper with. The wind howled a little outside, bringing to his mind the chill of the night.

An hour later had him leaning lazily at a windowsill; nothing happened yet that needed his attention or intervention. He kept flitting his eyes about in a restless sort of way, glancing about but never focusing too long and trying to keep that trembling, tingling feeling filling him up at bay. He thought back to the night before, and about being so tired.

“See anything?” Another agent’s voice crackled through his earpiece. He pressed down on his microphone button to reply.

“Not a damn thing,” he drawled, “Anything from your sights?”

“Nothing yet,”

He let up off the mic and sighed. He felt his body buzz again in a wave under his skin and couldn’t help but shake his shoulders trying to get it out. Part of his mind nagged at him with a reminder of feeling distinctly unwell last night.

Drinking. Stark roped us all into it. Thinks just because he has a miracle liver means we all do.

Though it was harder to remind himself of that when he had to shake his shoulders and head again to fight off a wave of fuzziness.

It wasn’t for another forty-five minutes, and three updates from Fury himself, until Barton had something to hold his attention. He was crouched low at his post and grabbed at the shirt over his stomach as another wave of pain and sudden nausea shot through him. Sure he’d started idly rubbing his stomach a little earlier; he was getting butterflies was all. Usually something happened by now when they got this many people out that fast. He was getting more nervous the entire time, who didn’t when it came to performance issues? He was still having trouble focusing on the vast nothingness happening today by the time the butterflies started. But now this was throwing him off.

“Any news yet? Getting real bored up here,” he clicked the mic off after and waited.

“Nothing. Should be another hour at most. Getting antsy there, a little flighty? Ha.”

“Ha. Leave the jokes to someone who can handle them, Keith.” He turned down the radio and double checked the microphone was off when he curled up tighter into himself and put his head against the sill as another wave of discomfort washed over him.

Eventually, he had to get back up and in proper position. He felt a bit better after some time elapsed and figured as long as he didn’t over do anything and stayed relatively well hydrated he’d be good enough. He turned the radio back up and opened his water bottle as he slid back into the favored hiding position he found where he could stand full height without being seen. Another hour tops and he’d have something in his sights…

Hawkeye swallowed hard and backed away from his post. This was getting a little ridiculous. He stepped back until the guard rail pressed into his back. He hazarded a quick glimpse over before having to go back to staring at part of the wall to calm his roiling stomach, but his eyes didn’t miss a thing. All S.H.I.E.L.D’s other snipers were still focused at their stations. No other agents or personnel were in the area. He figured it was safe enough to sit down for a little and wait this out. Again.

He dropped slowly and cautiously, trying not to upset anything further, and dropped his legs over the side. He pressed his forehead to the cool metal of the guard rail and tried to focus on breathing evenly. At least if it all went to hell, it would go right the hell off his platform. Damn, even some personal snark wasn’t helping anything.

He shut his eyes tight and willed himself not to moan out-loud. Getting seen and getting heard were two ways to royally fuck up in this job, and now were also two ways to grab unwanted attention and ridicule over his gastric distress. His snaked one arm around the bar running at chest level and pulled his head down to lean heavily on it, holding it for dear life if his whitened knuckles were anything to go by. Clint’s other hand rested lightly on his stomach, too nervous to even try and ease the nausea by rubbing or curling up this time. By how ragged his breathing sounded, even trying to call in now wouldn’t work. His jaw felt glued together anyway, he really didn’t trust opening his damn trap for anything. Static fizzled over his earpiece and some other agents gave short updates.

After a few minutes with no relief Clint resigned that he might just actually lose it here. He shoved the microphone back and double checked it was switched off. Still on the right channel so just in case they did need him it was easy to radio back, he couldn’t back out but like hell he could get up right now. His stomach lurched and gurgled, leaving him coughing a little into his hand to stifle the sound and hopefully to help keep everything down. He felt a rush of stifling heat and sweat beaded on his neck.

Did he mention this was going to be a long-ass night?

“Got someone moving.” Clint perked up as best he could in this situation. Not the best idea, he shuddered and folded forward a bit more. He groped blindly for the water bottle he had been taking sips from to help quell the nausea with until now. He popped it open with his teeth and waited for someone else to give up more information. Nobody would realize he wasn’t looking right now, they’d all be too busy searching their own areas and figuring he was either doing the same or trained on the target already.

“Can’t see them.” Clint groaned aloud, unable to help it. He took another sip from the bottle, but just ended up spitting it out.

“I swear I will never say anything bad about anyone ever again…” he started mumbling to himself disjointedly. Promising things to any deity he ever heard of, cursing them all out.

“It’s the Director. No worries, everyone,” Agent Hill came over the comms. “He and I are double checking parts of the perimeter. The targets shouldn’t be this far back at all.”

“Fuck. Fuck everything and the damn horse it rode in on,” he swallowed hard and tried to ignore the burning at the back of his throat.

“Confirmed. It is Director Fury and Agent Hill.”

Radio silence returned for another stretch of time. Felt like almost another hour. Clint spat down on to the floor below again. Finally giving in to the urge to wrap his arm tightly around his middle, he rocked himself slightly to see if it helped. It did for a small moment. He let out a shaky sigh and glanced back over at the windows where the sun was now creeping up through the clouds of dirt and grime on the glass. He considered moving back a bit and laying down before radioing in his distress, but not before he was sure it was something he could handle. After a few more intense seconds he decided that was the best plan of action.

After about four more seconds his stomach decided that was a stupid idea and he needed to keep his ass very still right the hell where it was. And less than a second after that, Barton was parting with a good portion of his stomach’s contents. There was no elegant or quiet and stealthy way to cover that. He retched. He shut his eyes and shook a little harder after the fact. Resting his head, defeated, on the railing again, he Clint tried to work up the strength and his voice well enough to call it in if someone wasn’t already beating him to it.

“Damnit Barton,” Fury’s voice vaulted up to where Hawkeye was slumped, “What the hell?!”

Clint opened his eyes slowly, he shook a little more in some vague form of terror that filtered through his sickened mind. He scooted back a bit, ignoring the wet dripping of his own vomit onto the floor below. He pulled the mic piece down and flicked it on.

“Sorry sir, Agent Hawkeye reporting,” his voice shook, wavered and cracked a little, but still carried over the radio and down from his nest, “I think I’m a little under the weather.”

“Well no fucking shit.” Agent Hill had retreated a number of steps from Fury and the mess surrounding him. She pulled her clipboard up and started flipping through pages while putting out a radio call for a med truck and a replacement. If he had felt any better, Clint would have laughed at the absurd sight, but unfortunately he was back to fighting to keep down what was left in his stomach. “If you’re gonna do that again I’d like some damn warning.”

All Hawkeye could manage for warning was a quick ‘move-aside’ hand motion before leaning through the gap in the rail again and vomiting once more. By now everyone in the building knew what was going on and were switching radio channels and trying to ignore the sounds of Clint losing it all over the cemented floor.

After a third bout of being sick, Clint was left dry-heaving and limp against the fever-warmed metal. Too shaky to even hold the water bottle that hadn’t left his side today, leaving it to fall below him too when he tried to grab it. Within minutes two medical technicians were helping him down from his nest. He felt so shaky and wrung out he didn’t even attempt to fight them over being taken out on a stretcher. He just laid on his side and curled in on himself as they pushed him past Hill and Fury, who was still cleaning himself up.

“Next time spare us the damn show and call it in before the firework finale, alright?”

“Got it.”

#sick clint barton #vomit tw #avengers sickfic #lmk what other tags yall want or need on this #this'll be a tumblr only fic tho i might revisit it and rewrite it for ao3 #so its a super fun surprise for you guys #also a throwback

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klaineadvent · 7 years ago

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Klaine Advent 2017 - It’s the Home Stretch!

Hi Everyone!!

A quick post today with some housekeeping and things, but before I get to that I wanted to say to everyone -

YOU ARE ALL AMAZING

This is the home stretch gang, after today there will be 8 days of Advent left! I know it can seem like a long haul for some of you, but if you’ve got this far the rest is easy! (laughing.gif)

YOU CAN DO IT

Some quick stats to cheer you all forward:

There are 61 authors and artists participating on tumblr. Not bad for a fandom nearly 4 years over! Pat yourselves on the back and find them all here!

There have been 133 works posted to the AO3 Klaine Advent Collection. This includes a lot of authors posting on tumblr as well, but some that are not - do definitely go check that out! Also, I know there are some authors posting Advent fics but not inside the collection - so if you’ve got time to do some exploring there is more out there to discover. If you happen to be one of those authors and you want us to promote your story please drop us a line at the Klaine Advent blog or drop a link in the @todaydreambelieversfic submit box here.

And if you’ve fallen behind or haven’t started - don’t let that stop you! Start new today! We want to read your fic!

We WILL be doing a full Klaine Advent round up post once the advent is over, so look for that around the 26-27th of December. In the meantime you can find links to everything here.

I don’t want to use a cut, so apologies for the long post, but we do have a couple of housekeeping items/announcements:

Yesterday one of the authors alerted us to the fact that someone on AO3 had completely reposted their fic in its entirety under a different name/account. We did a little exploring and determined that this was most likely some kind of bot activity, and we deleted that repost. I don’t think this is an ongoing problem, but if anyone sees any kind of strange activity on AO3 please alert us as soon as possible so we can address the issue.

Also yesterday, we discovered rather late in the day that the word of the day - “orgy” - was not showing up in mobile searches. I made a quick post here about it last night, but it appears that this was caused by tumblr’s Safe Mode filter feature. Many folks know about this, but you may not realize if you have it activated it on mobile, especially if you’ve recently updated the app because it resets to safe mode when it updates.

To check your settings, go into the Settings app on your phone (not the tumblr app), select tumblr from the list of apps on your phone, and there will be a screen that has tumblr settings at the bottom, and a bar for Safe Mode. Safe Mode has three settings:

(1) Hide all sensitive content

(2) Just hide sensitive search results

(3) Don’t hide anything

You need to be set to #3 to see/search ‘orgy’ on your mobile app. The good news is this is just a mobile glitch and I’m pretty sure we caught everyone’s submissions yesterday. As usual, if you think we’ve missed you please drop us a line.

Lastly, and most definitely not least, super red hot thanks to all the volunteers who have been reblogging all the fic. You guys are amazing and really on top of everything. Your help is a big reason this has been so successful, so thanks again!

And always thanks to @olddeadtaylor for all the graphics work!

I think that’s it! Go forth and create!

Thanks!

@slayediest

#klaine advent 2017 #klaine advent 2017 information post #Klaine advent 2017 home stretch

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theramblingonesie · 7 years ago

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No More, Mr. “Nice Guy”.

My heart breaks and goes out to all of the women who have had the courage to come forward recently in the media about men in power who have violated them. I refuse to compare traumas, and some could make the ignorant argument that what I’m about to say “DOESN’T EVEN COMPARE” to other more violent acts in Hollywood, but this particular story about Aziz hits very close to home and has left me slightly undone.

Yesterday, my little sister bravely put a post up on her social media that I hope contributes to changing the minds and hearts of Aziz’s defenders. Years ago, she had an encounter with him that leaves no doubt in my mind that this man is a serial predator, and is in fact very aware of his behavior. When I started seeing posts going up about him not knowing any better, it being a one-time accident, give him a chance, etc, my blood boiled over. Because for every one story that receives light, there is almost always a painful trail of those that don’t. We, the general public, have absolutely zero knowledge or qualification to conclude this man’s innocence. But I’ve heard enough true stories that absolutely confirm that he is guilty, and NOT a “nice guy”.

When I first heard this news story, I became very upset about how this brave woman, Grace, is being torn apart by the media. The criticism, the atrocious “open letter” by another woman, was deplorable enough being directed at her. But these attacks go further than Grace. Just like we’re unqualified to say that Aziz is innocent, criticizing and destroying Grace’s character is also insane, because nobody making these comments actually knows her. Therefor, these words are attacks on every woman, every person, who has ever suffered at the hands of sexual assault, violation, and manipulation. I moved through the phases of generalized rage, to rage over my sister being targeted, and eventually right over to my own miserable encounter with a different celebrity who is widely known to be a “nice guy”.

What happened between this “nice guy” celebrity and I could also be judged as just a really, really bad date. Okay. Hm. Here are some examples of dates I’ve been on that qualify as really bad, in my opinion:

1. Met up with a dude on OkCupid around the corner from my apartment. He was totally different online versus in person. He didn’t pick up on any social cues, spoke about himself the entire time without asking me any questions, begged for a kiss at the end of the night, and then attempted to make plans to see me again. It was so gross that I desperately texted another OkCupid match immediately after in an attempt to brain-bleach the experience away. Dude #2 picked me up around midnight and took me to a diner. He was super nice, but I didn’t feel any chemistry. All in all, the night left me feeling gross, sad, lonely and exhausted. I deleted my profile shortly thereafter.

2. Went out with a guy who claimed that he was such a powerful wizard that he could turn invisible, and had me “watch” him do it (I…still saw him). Later that night he somehow convinced me to go back to his place, where he proceeded to makeout with me under a crystal pyramid. I still laugh about that one.

3. My first super-serious boyfriend didn’t know I was 20 when he asked me on our first date. I got kinda lost and was late to meet him in Revere, realized I had forgotten my wallet with all of my money back in Rhode Island, got in the car with him while I was still on the phone with another friend, and then when I asked what we’d be doing that night, he responded that there was a bar he’d like to take me to. I had to give him the news that I was underage. I was absolutely the cause of this horrible date. We ended up being together for five years after that, but good lord was that awful. Forever in my shame file….(side note: the night ended really well, fortunately, and has remained a very sweet memory)

Those are what “bad dates” look like. There is no sexual assault or emotional manipulation in those stories. There was no fear for my safety, no violation, no feeling of absolute filth or the kind of humiliation that makes you completely question yourself and turn to ice, drawing up traumas from the past or activating mental illness. As soon as those qualities enter the picture, one is no longer on a “bad date”. It becomes a different entity; a bastard child of rape culture.

My “bad date” with this “nice guy” celebrity still haunts me to this day. He had met me a year or so prior during a big performance I was in, and pursued me to varying degrees over time. I was completely star-struck. I had been a fan of this guy’s music since forever, and couldn’t believe that he was paying so much attention to me. My friends made fun of me because he was a bit older, or at least had aged poorly from years of heavy drug use, but that didn’t matter me. He was sober now, and so devoted to his art, and so smart and funny, and sooooo nice. After months of more intense flirtation and a solid makeout session after one of his shows, he became insistent on spending more time with me, wanting to treat me like someone he was actually seeing, rather than a casual long-distance flirtation. He begged me to come stay with him in New York for a couple weeks, telling me about all the places he would take me, the fancy dinners, and so on. I agreed to make it happen, but shortly after saying yes, he began getting a little cold. Energetically, I knew something was off. I backed off of the plans, confused, and made up an excuse that I would have to check with my work to see how much time I could take off. Ultimately I gave in and decided to go down for two nights. That weekend ended with me going hungry and thirsty, abandoned in a hotel room, fucked twice and then completely snubbed. I felt awful. I felt used, manipulated and lied to. I felt cheap, pathetic and outrageously humiliated. I hated how his coldness made me shut down, and that I felt unsafe being myself. I hated what an idiot I sounded like around him, because my brain was so dissociated from confusion and fear around not understanding the extreme shift that was occurring with him. I hated how ugly I felt, and how stupid. I hated that I was treated like a nameless sex worker, and STILL didn’t get paid. At 1 or 2am on the last night, I sent a frantic text to one of my sister-wives who supported me in an incredible way, offering to buy me a different room so I could sleep before getting back on the road to Boston. Talking to her gave me the strength to leave there and tell him to fuck off forever. I wrote him an email while his “sober” ass was drugged up and unconscious on pills next to me, and hit send as soon as I left the hotel, because I had no desire to look at his face or hear his excuses in person. I told him how horrible his behavior was, to which I didn’t receive any kind of response for hours. No, the first thing I saw from him was a video on Instagram of him in the back of a cab, just staring into a camera with tears in his eyes so all of his followers could see what a sweet, sensitive man he was in that tender moment of pain.

BARF.

He finally made contact, with his first text saying “well that fucking sucked.” I tried asking him why he did what he did, to just give me some hint or clue or anything that would help me stop feeling so awful and insane. The last text I remember receiving was, “I said I’m sorry. I don’t owe you any explanations.”

Outside of work, I spent the next couple days in bed, mourning the experience. There weren’t enough showers. I exhausted my tears. I felt such a depression that I stopped feeling anything at all. This man continued to follow my friends online, liking their sexy pictures and making fun and flirty comments, as if there were zero consequences to his actions. Not a drop of guilt or self-awareness. A few months later, a song of his came on, and like women are conditioned to do, I questioned if the badness of the interaction was all my fault; that my being a desperate loser made him rightfully neglect and mistreat me; that my sensitivity and awkwardness caused me to lose a lover and friend.

SO I SENT HIM AN APOLOGY TEXT AND TOLD HIM I MISSED HIM.

He responded simply that he was glad to hear that. And we never spoke again.

I dare you to ask me why I didn’t just leave.

I dare you to call that a “bad date”.

I dare you to bring up my age, my fragility, my anxiety or history of depression.

I dare you to ask me why I don’t just say his name, or why I haven’t spoken up sooner (one reason: he already has one autobiography out in which he shares graphic and personal details about the women he’s hooked up with, often through the lens of him being some kind of savior, unless he’s looking for sympathy because he was on drugs. On our “really bad date”, he informed me that he has a deal with a publisher and was in the middle of writing his second autobiography. I would like to not end up in that book for the rest of time. If I’m already in that book, I would like it if nobody bought it, so I’m not about to call attention to him. Please thank you amen).

I dare you to tell me that I put myself in that situation.

I dare you to tell me this whole thing is fake because I tried to resume contact.

I dare you to tell me to toughen up and just get over it, that I should be grateful that I don’t live in a part of the world where acid could be thrown in my face.

I dare you to tell me that I asked for it.

I dare you to tell me that it wasn’t technically rape, and that this is just how men are and it’s not his fault.

I dare you to bring up my entire history of sexual assault and dysfunctional relationships, and make an argument that I’m either lying, that I’m a magnet for this, or that I’m just attention seeking.

I dare you to tell me what a fan you are, and that he’s such a nice guy.

Just try me.

These days, I feel mostly healed from this interaction. I’ll occasionally have a dream about it, or snarl a bit if his name or music come up. Sometimes I try to change the story in an attempt to reclaim any power from the situation, bragging to folks who aren’t close to me that I had the chance to bone a rockstar. It’s super rare that I feel angry about this anymore. To be honest, my anger about it only flairs up when I hear other women getting trashed for having the courage to come forward about rape culture. Which, these days, is more and more frequent. But I think 90% of that anger is that of a collective rage for having to ask/answer these questions, doubt our worth and authenticity in the face of those who hurt us, and lay ourselves out to be slaughtered in the name of “justice”. 5% of it is still being angry at him. The last 5% is being mad at myself for not acknowledging the red flags for what a loser he is.

While I do believe that there are people who do nice things in the world, I’m all set with “nice guys”. Or just, “nice people” in general. More and more, I find that many people who identify as “nice” or are described as “nice”, are simply performing niceness. I, as with most women on the planet, have had more than my fair share of “nice guys” getting angry with me for not giving them my pussy in exchange for all of the “nice” things they’ve done for me (most of which I never asked for, I just say “oh wow, that’s nice, okay” when it’s presented). There are countless “nice guys” out there who were my dear friends, who have miserably rejected and abandoned me now that they know I’m not going to fuck or date them. If you ask them, they’ll probably tell you a version where I was so mean or ungrateful, whatever. Find Jesus and call me in the morning.

I’ve had “nice” friends of all genders who use “niceness” like some sort of currency, that when they’re being absolute douchebags, they like to avoid personal responsibility and remind you about how you can’t be upset with them because they’ve done so many “nice” things. Or they use “niceness” as a way to create co-dependency. There are a lot of “nice” people in power—cops, celebrities, clergy members, girl scout leaders, teachers, family members, etc. who have done some really nasty things. A lot of classist racists give to charity. This is not to say that the rest of us are infallible, no no. I by no means will try to make you think I’m any kind of angel. But there’s something manipulative and deceptive about the performance of “niceness”. These people in power who would “never hurt a fly!” have raped, stolen, been abusive, lied, exploited, and hell—even been serial killers!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY “NICE GUYS” WHO ARE ACTIVE IN CHURCH AND ARE COMMUNITY LEADERS AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL FAMILIES ARE ALSO MURDERERS??????

SO I DON’T EVEN WITH ME.

Sorry, I don’t mean to contribute to mass hysteria. No, I truly don’t believe that the average nice person is a murderer. My point is, “nice” is not an argument toward someone’s innocence. Nice can be a defense mechanism, like animals who pretend they’re dead so they won’t get eaten. Underneath that is a world of emotions, thoughts, fears, motivations, experiences, and so on. I know very, very few people who can be defined with niceness being their authentic, primary trait. I know infinite humans who are awesome, who are incredibly kind and loving, and do very nice things. But they also get angry. They also tell people the truth and say no, which can be met with a lot of resistance and backlash. They also have moments of being bitchy, and owning that bitchiness. They can be sad, really really sad. They can be jealous, cold, selfish, and really a vast array of things, BECAUSE THEY ARE WHOLE HUMAN BEINGS AND THAT IS REAL.

When a person tries to push their niceness on me, or insist that I see them as nice, or others argue with me “but they’re so nice” as a largely defining quality, I am immediately suspicious. I don’t care if you’re nice. I care about whether or not you’re mature, and if you have boundaries and empathy. I care about your actions matching your words, and if what you do behind closed doors matches who you are on Facebook (I mean like, it’s none of my business how much you pick your nose or how many days you go without bathing, but don’t let me find out that your yogi feminist-posting ass abuses women). I care about whether or not you have genuine love in your heart, and pure intentions. I care about your ability to be kind, and your honesty about when you’re not. I care about whether or not you have integrity, and if you’re willing to be authentic. I’m not interested in Nice People. I’m interested in good people. Just like self-deprecation is an easy go-to in comedy, how being “pretty” and “cute” are the easiest approaches to burlesque, and how using auto tuning can turn anyone’s voice to gold, the performance of “niceness” is the easiest and most classic manipulation tactic in the book. I’m not asking you not to be nice. I’m asking you to be real. And if being nice in this moment for you is real, then I accept. But if your “niceness” pushes past my wellbeing, then you are not nice, and your actions are null and void. Please understand this point.

I am very tired of being fed “truths” based on superficial assessments. None of you truly know Aziz Ansari. None of you truly know this celebrity I had a negative experience with. Enjoying a person’s product or public persona is not the same as knowing them. Destroying a vulnerable person who is suffering at the hands of the strangers you call heroes is unacceptable. Do not create more wounds and more victims because you can’t hold the hard moral dilemma of enjoying the work or benefits of knowing a person who does bad things. That is your own cross to bear, not theirs. They already have enough to deal with.

Next time you say “oh but he’s really a nice guy”, you’d best be able to back that up with extensive, concrete evidence.

Next time you catch yourself huffing and crying, justifying your actions with, “hey, I’m a really nice guy”, check yo’self, because you’re probably about to wreck yo’self.

So what am I really aiming for here, in yet another rambling blog? My hope and prayer is, whether it’s rape culture, deceptive behavior, or our society trivializing stories that make them question themselves and feel uncomfortable/inconvenienced, that I’ll be able to see a day when this bullshit doesn’t rule our lives. We need to stop waiting for it to magically appear for us, too. Each woman who comes out and speaks her truth is doing her part. Each person who is directly acknowledging bad behavior and holding their friends and family accountable is doing their part. Don’t wait for change to fall in your lap. Examine the role you play in all of this, and adjust yourself accordingly. You can drag along behind, crying and trying to stop this boat by kicking the waves, or you can jump on board and help us sail collectively to shore. Either way, this baby is moving forward. You decide how you want that experience to go for you.

Link here for an amazing article by Lindy West, dismantling the argument that boys and men don’t know any better, and the toxic nuances of rape culture:

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/opinion/aziz-ansari-metoo-sex.html

#niceguy #nice #this is why we can't have nice things #aziz ansari #rapeculture #bad date #consent #feminism #fedora #guywithguitar #idiots

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narahalara · 4 years ago

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y’all ever...

- get dreams about strangers, fall in love with them in the dream, then wake up and be like damn... i miss them? like i dreamt last night of a stranger and we fell in love and now i’m like where you at in the real world lol

- dream in the same “dream world” for a period of time? like i tend to dream about the same place for at least a week at a time, like the “world” is the same, different plot line every time, but the places, the people, the saturation or hue or the world, the supernatural or mundane... its like different alternate universes but they’re so vivid and i tend to revisit old dream universes when i sleep

- write deeply and emotionally about someone, and then look back on it a couple weeks later, feel kinda embarrassed and wanna delete it? yeah thats me with all my last posts these past week about ya know who rip like uhm, what? girl you don’t even care for him no more and he dont care for you either. why you still writing all sad and emotional mumbo jumbo about a dumb nut who left you cause he didn’t want you LOL sigh yeah...but ya know i know me, i’m constantly fluctuating with my emotions

- realize that you can literally control what your mind does and says... like why am i having all these mental wars in my mind? i can literally just stop and be like... you are beautiful you are smart you are strong you are brave. honestly i actually have been practicing these habits lately and its been doing me good, when i start going into that deep neverending unhealthy whirlwind cycle of mentally arguing with myself i stop and say nope, its not worth your energy girl. these kind of negative thoughts arent WORTH occupying your brain, literally nobody are hearing these thoughts except you, might as well make them positive. yeee, just trying to vibe on positive frequencies lately

- get super horny at the most RANDOMEST TIME and like start having random lightbulb memories of the last time you hooked up with a dude like no cap i think the last dude i hooked up with has no IDEA that he is literally the first and last dude i slept with after my ex because i am a picky highly specific standard kind of person and he was the only one that met the qualification like he was literally the 1% acceptance rate and we dont even talk no more cause ya know we dont meet up cause theres a pandemic and as i said before i messed up this year and loosened my standards for both “talking” and “ messing around” and i ended up bruising my ego and heart and now im wondering why didnt i just choose him i dont know literally only one other dude was actually cool (sexually speaking) the rest of the boys that snapped me (again, (sexually speaking, not counting the cute nerdy adorable innocent boys that never pulled a move) were TRASH so yeee good thing this boy doesn’t have a tumblr i would ~pass away~ if he knew this info but yeah ive been thinking about him lately haha rip

#vent

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k-popscenxrios · 7 years ago

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Only 6 Months (CEO!Jungkook x Barista!OC) Part 6

Get ready for some Tae action, because we can’t only have one BTS member as a part of the main plot! ;o Also, extra long chapter since I’m posting later again!

Summary: Who knew that pretending to be in love could create such chaos?

Words: 6,100+ Genre: flufffff and some angst squeezed in

Part 1 - Part 5 - Part 7

⇨ Masterlist ⇦

Jungkook had been gone for about an hour, but she still couldn’t get any of his words out of her head.

She is my angel, and I couldn’t ask for someone better than her… words can’t even explain how I feel about her.

She shouldn’t be so fixated on what she overheard him tell Kiseung, but she couldn’t get it out of her head. She couldn’t stop thinking about it, and he didn’t even mean it! It was all an act!

“I am not falling in love with him!” she felt herself yell into her pillow so the others didn’t hear her.

As if on cue, Jungkook’s ringtone went off. He just sent her a short text about how tonight went, and Chaerin felt herself blushing all over again.

Jungkookie:

I think tonight was a success! I’m happy we pulled it off. Also, it was cute how you fell asleep, unless you were faking. Kiseung really bought it all.

She sighed and the reality once again was set. He was faking, and nothing that he said or did tonight was real.

None of it.

She couldn’t help but feel a bit upset, but it was really getting late and she needed to go to sleep. She sent back a text before getting ready for bed and going to sleep. Her mind was still flooded with what happened that night, but she eventually forced herself to close her eyes and start falling asleep

Chae:

She totally bought it! They all did. Thank you for being so helpful! And yeah, I was just acting. You did well on what you said. They really like you, and they told me that so many times… It started to get annoying!

Jungkook was quick to text back and her curiosity wouldn’t leave it alone. She couldn’t stop thinking about it until she looked at it, so she finally gave in.

Jungkookie:

You’re welcome. It wasn’t that hard at all! I should be given a prize for how well I did tonight xD I’m glad they like me, especially since you’re stuck with me until I get a wife! Hopefully we’ll find one soon… I’m running out of time.

Chaerin took a deep breath and began to curse herself over and over again. This is weird and you need to stop thinking that you like him. It was all just pretend. You can’t just decide you like someone over night.

She typed out another text to him as she continued to insult herself and the feelings she was going through.

Chae:

You should! Should I print you out a certificate? xD But yeah, you need to find someone, and soon! You don’t want to be stuck with someone you don’t love or anything like that.

Once again, he replied back pretty fast. She was going to have to tell him she was going to bed if she was gonna get anywhere.

Jungkookie:

Yes! I want it in red please! xD I definitely don’t want that… but I do have a girl in mind that I’m going to go on another date with. I think she really likes me...

Chae:

Coming right up! I’ll be sure to have that next time I see you xD Oh, who is it? I hope it goes well…

She hit send before she deleted the last part of the text. She was already feeling jealous… God, she was screwed.

Jungkookie:

I don’t think you’ve met her… Her name is Jaehi. I used to know her really well, but she moved to America for a little bit. We’ve been on several dates.

Chaerin started to feel really tired the more she heard about this girl. She really needed to get to sleep, but she wasn't totally sure she’d be able to…

Chae:

I’d be careful, though! I’m hoping she’ll take it well! But I need to head to bed, so goodnight.

She just ended it right there as she locked her phone and stared at the ceiling. She was torn on how she wanted things to go with this girl… She wanted him to be happy, but God was she feeling jealous.

Stop thinking about it, she scolded herself as she closed her eyes. She really needed sleep, and thinking was never gonna get her there. She got comfortable in her bed and tried to relax so she could finally fall asleep.

Despite her efforts, last night was incredibly restless. It was insane how much her mind was thinking about the whole situation, and she was getting really frustrated. She was so incredibly tired and irritable, so she hoped she could keep her attitude from getting too out of control.

She was pretty sure that she was going to be fine for the whole day, that is until Jungkook showed up with some girl she had never seen before.

She knew exactly what was going on, and she was pissed about it.

The worst part is that she couldn’t be pissed at Jungkook. It wasn’t his fault, it was all her own.

Well… it was his fault for bringing her here. She knows what he’s gonna say about it, but it’s still a little rude. Just a little…

He walked up to order their coffees, but not before saying hi to Chaerin in a quiet fashion. Great, he’s trying to hide the fact that he knows her.

He didn’t say anything important, and Chaerin was able to catch her tongue before saying anything she was going to regret.

Their coffee date was normal and they both laughed and such. They were getting along very well which should have been good to see. She had been wanting him to finally find someone he liked...

She wasn’t going to say yes, was she?

She could just see it now; him pulling out a ring with a nervous smile on his face. He’d probably ask her in some cute way which would be nearly impossible to refuse, and they would skip off into the distance.

She watched the girl, Jaehi, reach over and grab his hand while laughing at something he had said. He laughed and looked at their hands with a blush on his face.

“Stop it, Chaerin…” she mumbled to herself as quietly as possible. Was yesterday that great? Since when did she turn super envious and start hating every girl Jungkook smiled at.

She was feeling so stressed and frustrated that she didn’t even realize when another customer had come in. It wasn’t until someone cleared their throat that she snapped back into reality. She bowed apologetically and took his order, watching Jungkook out of the corner of her eye.

“Do I know you?”

Chaerin looked at the guy before her as a nervous smile placed on her face, “I don’t think so? I don’t recognize you.”

He studied her a little more while her eyes caught sight of Jungkook at his girlfriend leaving. They seemed to be in a hurry, so much so that he ran off without even waving in her direction.

“I don’t come here often, so it’s not that I’ve seen you here before…” the guy in front of her said as she looked back at him. She heard the sound of a machine behind her as one of her co-workers started working on his order.

“I’ve never seen you,” she smiled unsurely, but the guy wasn’t convinced. He sighed and leaned on the counter with a really cute thinking face. She wasn’t going to deny the good looks of the guy in front of her, but she wasn’t trying to dwell on them either. She had already dealt with enough today thanks to Jungkook… The last thing she needed to do was embarrass herself in front of an attractive guy.

“You!” His eyes widened and she jumped at his sudden loud volume. He laughed slightly at me and scratched the back of his neck with one of his hands. “Sorry. That was louder than I thought it would be.”

“It’s okay,” she said, giving a polite smile back. He slightly laughed before continuing.

“I know you from that party a month or so ago,” he finished as I tried to keep my eyes from widening. Crap- who was he? He was one of Jungkook’s friends, was he not? Oh God, he’s gonna ask her about Jungkook and then what’s she gonna say?

“Ohhh…” she pretended to stay calm even though she was freaking out on the inside. What was she gonna say to him??

“I apologize, but I don’t remember your name…” he trailed off as if to cue for her to tell him. She tried to laugh it off.

“It’s alright, I don’t remember yours, either.” She started before taking a deep breath, “I’m Kim Chaerin.”

“Omo, we have the same family name,” the male in front of her smiled, “I’m Kim Taehyung.”

Chaerin nodded politely with a smile on her face. “Nice to meet you… again.”

He laughed and leaned his elbows on the counter in front of him to get comfortable, “I haven’t really seen you with Jungkook, but he claims you’re still with him.”

Chaerin sighed slightly, thanking God for what Taehyung said to her. So he was continuing to tell them that they were together even while dating this girl he really seems to like…

“We’re still together,” she nodded as confidently as possible, “I don’t get to see him often since he’s so busy with work and I’m busy with work and school. I feel like I’m always doing one of those two if I’m not seeing him.”

Taehyung nodded and seemed to be believing what she was saying. Thank goodness he was gullible, because she felt like she didn’t sound convincing.

“Wow, you’re either really stupid or you don’t like him that much, then.” He said as he looked down at his phone. She raised her eyebrows at his statement, feeling slightly offended that he said what he said.

“Excuse me?” she asked as he raised his eyebrows and smiled.

“I saw him with some girl over in that corner when I walked in. I pretended not to because I knew something wasn’t right about seeing him with a girl I didn’t know.”

Chaerin swallowed nervously, “I think she was just his cousin or something.”

Taehyung bit his lip and laughed, causing Chaerin to feel even more nervous, “I know she’s not his cousin. Would cousins hold hands?”

Chaerin looked away from him and saw her co-worker come back with Taehyung’s coffee. He smiled and thanked him before he went back to the back. Taehyung took a sip of his coffee while Chaerin stood there feeling painfully awkward.

Once he finished sipping it, he put it down on the counter softly. “Thanks for the coffee.”

To her luck, he actually started to turn around and leave. She felt herself let out a breath that she didn’t realize she was holding and tried to loosen herself up. She didn’t realize how tense Taehyung had made her.

Before he walked out the door, he turned and flashed a smile at her, “I’ll see you soon.” he winked and walked out the door, leaving a blushing Chaerin behind the desk.

“Oh God, what just happened…” she whined quietly, hiding her face in her hands. Jungkook was caught and she was afraid he’d be upset at her. She should have lied better…

But it’s not her fault that Taehyung saw them. How was she supposed to know that he would walk in to get coffee while Jungkook was on his date? Neither of them knew this was going to happen.

“Chaerin, you should take off for the day,” she heard her boss call from the back. She didn’t even ask why or try to argue as she went to clock out and head home. She said bye to her co-workers as they just waved back. She wasn’t that close with them, which sucked for her because no one was ever willing to take her shift if she didn’t want to go to work or if she couldn’t go in.

Once she was out the door, she pulled out her phone and felt her breath hitch in her throat. She had two texts, and she didn’t like what either of them said.

Jungkookie:

Taehyung’s been eyeing me since we got off lunch break. I know he went to the coffee shop while I was there… What did you say to him? You didn’t tell him, did you?

Ki:

I really like Jungkook, so I want Baekhyun to meet him, too! You should tell me when he’s free and we’ll try and set up a double date. As soon as tonight would be fine with me ;)

She felt upset reading Jungkook’s texts as she replied back quickly.

Chae:

I didn’t tell him anything. He asked me if we were dating and I told him we still were. After that, he called me out and told me he saw you with Jaehi being very ‘couply’. I tried to pull the cousin card, but he didn’t believe me.

Before sliding into her car, she replied back to Kiseung, too.

Chae:

It won’t be tonight for sure. I’ll ask him when he’ll be free this week and get back to you when I know.

She got in her car and was about to turn on the ignition when Jungkook’s text tone rang. She should have just ignored it and started driving away, but her curiosity was killing her just like it was last night.

Jungkookie:

Sh**.

She locked her phone and turned on her car. Before he could send anything else, she backed out of her parking spot that was behind the building and made her way home.

Jungkookie:

He talked to me during his break a few minutes ago. I got him to believe that it was just my cousin, so I hope that’ll get him off our backs…

Chaerin stared at her phone for what felt like ten years, trying to figure out what to say to him. It was good news that Taehyung seemed to be off of their backs, but Kiseung’s text kept running through her mind. Why was she having so much trouble asking him to go on a double date with Kiseung and Baekhyun? He has to when he has free time since it’s part of their agreement.

Finally, she shoved her nerves to the back of her mind and just started typing the simple question. She hit send before she could rethink was she was sending at she waited for a reply.

Chae:

That’s good that he believed you. In other news, Kiseung texted me and wants us to all go on a double date soon. When are you going to be free?

He didn’t take long to reply to her as she looked at the clock. It was about 6:00, so he was probably getting ready to leave the office unless he needed to stay longer.

But she doesn’t know his work schedule, so what would she know? Why would she even care?

Jungkookie:

I’m actually free tonight and tomorrow night, but after that we’re going to have to go to another business party.

Chaerin felt nerves engulf her as she thought about going on the double date and going to the party. She was surprised that he was free tonight, but she texted Kiseung quickly to let her know their situation.

Chae:

Oh alright, I’ll text Kiseung and see which one is better for her.

The more she thought about the party, the more unnerved she felt. To her luck, she’ll be stuck talking to Taehyung the whole time… that would be really bad. He’s probably still at least a little suspicious of them, and she would rather not be interrogated or feel cornered by him.

She got a text back from both Jungkook and Kiseung at nearly the same time.

Jungkookie:

Okay, text me back and let me know what’s happening. I'll head over there soon if it’s happening tonight.

Ki:

Awesome ;p tonight it is, then. We’ll just meet you at the movies? Movies and dinner is good with you, right?

Chae:

It’ll be a LATE dinner, but I guess it’s fine with me. What movie?

Ki:

Idk, we’ll just need to all agree on one.

Chaerin tried to put her phone down for a second, but before she could, she got another text from Kiseung. She was texting so fast tonight for some reason.

After reading her text, she went and replied to Jungkook before she forgot, since she forgets about replying a lot.

Chae:

We’re going to the movies and dinner with them tonight if that’s alright with you.

Jungkookie:

That’s fine with me. What movie are we going to see?

Chaerin sighed and put her phone down before replying to either of the two. She needed to get ready, and for some reason they seemed to be sitting by their phones, waiting to reply to her.

Chae:

I don’t know, we’ll just have to agree later. You should head over here after getting changed so that we can ride together.

Jungkookie:

I’m already ready. I’m leaving, so I’ll see you soon :)

She sighed at his text, thanking God that he was going to quit texting her. She really needed to get ready, and part of her was really nervous about tonight.

And it didn’t take long for her to realize that her nerves were more about being on a date with Jungkook rather than being on a fake double date with Kiseung. She denied it up until her entire closet ended up all in her floor.

“Why do I care this much about what I wear?” She mumbled, throwing more clothes into the floor. Why is nothing good enough to wear?

She plopped down on her bed and let out a frustrated cry, grabbing her phone and texting Kiseung in a panic.

Chae:

I am in a panic about what to wear-- you need to help me!

She was thankfully quick to respond.

Ki:

You don’t have to worry about what you wear. I can tell he really likes you ;)

Chaerin whined at her response as she thought about how great it would be if that were true. Maybe it would be best to just wear a t-shirt and jeans- just keep it simple.

But she couldn't help but want to look really good tonight… was it bad that she wanted to impress Jungkook?

She practically flew to the bathroom to fix her makeup to look nice as she smiled at the way it turned out. Thank goodness she just needed touch ups, because at this point, she only had a minute or two till Jungkook showed up.

She ran into her room and picked up one of the tops that she was debating about wearing, which was a white ruffled top, along with a pair of black skinny jeans. She checked her look in the mirror before messing with her hair, trying to figure out if she should put it up or leave it down. Her hair was really flat when it was down, but he saw it up all the time while at the coffee shop.

She took a deep breath and ruffled her hair in frustration. Why was she getting so stressed out about this?! Just leave your d*** hair down and go sit in the living room until he gets here.

After having a mental battle with herself, she ended up putting her hair up in a loose braid that laid on her left shoulder. She pouted to herself in the mirror as she saw a little bit of hair not laying perfectly in the braid. She was about to undo the braid and restart when she heard the doorbell ring. She sighed in annoyance and frustration, but decided to just leave it alone.

She hurried to the door and stood in front of it, taking a deep breath. She did everything that she could to make herself look nice in a casual way… but why? Why was she trying to impress him? He’d seen her in a gorgeous dress and expensive makeup that was professionally done. What made her think that this outfit was going to impress him?

She finally opened the door after mentally scolding herself. Jungkook was on the other side of the door, smiling and waving slightly. His hair was parted slightly to the side with a raven tint to it, and he just had a simple white t-shirt and blue jeans on. She gestured for him to come in as he made his way inside.

Once he was inside, he looked back over at her and looked her up and down. Chaerin tried to not notice that he had checked her out, but her mind was practically screaming it at her. She felt her face heat up, so she decided to start a conversation to just quit thinking about it.

“I’ll call Kiseung and ask her what movie they’d be fine with seeing.” she said as Jungkook moved closer to her. They walked into the living room and sat on the couch as she went to Kiseung’s messages and tried to call her from there. She tried to do it fast as she realized Jungkook could see her messages to her. Of course to her luck, she accidentally hit the wrong parts of the screen, leaving the messages very readable to Jungkook.

He read the messages even though he knew he probably shouldn’t since it was her private messages, but he slightly laughed after reading them. Chaerin tried to ignore her face heating up as Jungkook just smiled at her.

“Either you’re really good at convincing Kiseung that this is a real relationship, or you were seriously worried about what to wear.” he said, crushing Chaerin’s silent hopes that he wouldn’t. Before she could say anything, he leaned closer to her and placed his head on her shoulder, “But if it means anything, you look really nice.”

Chaerin cleared her throat and tried to re-situate herself, causing Jungkook to remove his head from her shoulder. He slightly laughed and Chaerin frowned, “I was just playing it off. I was looking in my closet and that idea occurred to me.”

“Mm,” he responded, getting out his phone and opening Twitter as she was finally able to call Kiseung.

“Chaerin, what’s up?”

“Hey Kiseung, where are you?” Chaerin answered, glancing at Jungkook’s phone. He was still on Twitter, retweeting every other tweet he saw.

“I’m with Baekhyun at the library. Are you and Jungkook ready to go?”

“Yeah, but I was wondering if we have a movie that we’re all okay on seeing.” she said, catching Jungkook’s attention.

“Ooo, I want to see either Lego Batman or Get Out.” (the movies I put here show how long ago I wrote this part lol) Jungkook said, moving his feet up on the couch and sitting like a little kid. Chaerin laughed at him as she saw the excited look on his face.

“You want to see Lego Batman?” she laughed, and it was seconds later that she heard Baekhyun in the background.

“Omo, I’ve been wanting to see that, too.”

Kiseung laughed along with Chaerin as Kiseung sighed.

“I would rather see Get Out rather than Lego Batman, but our dates seem to be excited about the latter.”

Chaerin looked at Jungkook who had a slight pout on his face. Were the four of them, all in their 20s, really about to go see a Lego movie?

“If Jungkook and Baekhyun really want to see it, I’ll be fine with Lego Batman…” she sighed, smiling when Jungkook started bouncing excitedly. And he was next in line to be a CEO?

Kiseung laughed on her side, probably at Baekhyun’s reaction to getting to see Lego Batman.

“Alright, I guess that settles it. I’ll see you two there.”

“See you.” Once the called ended, Jungkook hopped up from the couch with a smile on his face.

“We should head there, then!” he said to her, holding a hand out for her to take. Chaerin tried to ignore her loud heart beat as she took his hand and he helped her up.

This was going to be an interesting night…

Nari looked at her watch as she found herself huffing. He said he was going to meet her nearly twenty minutes ago, yet he still wasn’t there. She shouldn’t have come here… It was a bad idea to say yes to the date, anyway…

“Nari-ssi!”

She looked up and felt relief wash over her. She was so happy she hadn’t been stood up by him, and she flashed a smile. She stood up from her seat in front of the building as she slightly bowed at the male in front of her, “Taehyung-ssi. I’m happy to see you.”

“I am so sorry I took so long…” he smiled apologetically as they made their way inside the building they were outside of. “I ended up having more work than I thought thanks to Hoseok taking off to visit his girlfriend’s mom in the hospital.”

“Oh- I’m sorry! I hope she’ll be okay.” Nari frowned, but Taehyung shrugged it off.

“She’ll be fine, but that’s not what we should be talking about right now. Tonight is about us.” he smiled at her as she blushed. He was such a flirt and so unlike all the guys she had been out with before… but she couldn’t help but love it.

“Yeah… It’s about- oh.” Nari stopped as she spotted her friends across the lobby. “Oh s**t my friends are here.”

Taehyung looked in the direction that she was looking in as his eyes widened. He spotted Jungkook with Chaerin and her friends as they started to walk off. Nari is friends with one of them? Or both of them??

“You know Chaerin?” he asked, causing Nari’s eyes to widen. She looked at him and he just smiled.

“Do you know her?” she asked in response as Taehyung shrugged. He watched as the four of them walked into the Lego Batman showing as he saw it was their turn to pay for tickets.

“Two tickets to Lego Batman please,” Taehyung said as Nari got confused. They talked about going to see something else, so why were they suddenly changing those plans? She looked back in the direction of her friends as she saw Baekhyun walking into a theater that was showing Lego Batman.

She started to understand where Taehyung was going with this, but why did he want to be in the same theater as them?

The two of them walked off toward the theater as she bumped him slightly, “Why did you change the movie? I don’t want my friends to know I’m on a date yet they’re in that movie.”

“I know,” Taehyung nodded, “But Jungkook is my friend and I want to know what he’s up to.”

Nari’s eyes widened, “Mwoh? You know Jungkook?? What do you think he’s up to?”

Taehyung shrugged, but Nari wasn’t having it, “No, you need to tell me. He’s dating my best friend, after all.”

“I know,” he simply replied again, “I’ll explain everything later. I’m sure we’re both hearing different stories from the two of them.”

Nari nodded reluctantly as she grabbed Taehyung’s arm and followed him into the theater. This was not how she thought their first date would go, but maybe it could be fun. It was almost like they were being detectives in a mystery crime show…

Chaerin looked over to Kiseung about halfway through the movie and noticed she was asleep. She had to suppress some giggles as she looked over at Jungkook on her other side. He was so engrossed in the movie that he didn’t notice that she was practically staring at him. He looked so cute when he was so focused on something and he made it hard for her to not smile. He was mindlessly shoveling popcorn into his mouth, grabbing their drink every once in a while.

She didn’t realize how long she had been looking at him until she realized that she had no idea what was going on in the movie anymore. At that point, she was too caught up in watching him and his reactions to pay attention to the movie. She had missed a lot of it, anyway.

She had no idea how long it had been since she started watching him, but she was taken back into reality when her eyes met his. She felt her face heat up very quickly as his dimly lit face smiled at her. He offered her the bucket of popcorn that he had in his lap and she took a little bit of it. She popped the popcorn into her mouth and chewed it, realizing that she was super hungry. She forgot to eat lunch, so her stomach was nearly empty at this point.

He turned back to the screen, but every few minutes he would offer her more popcorn and she would happily take it. She looked back at the screen and felt herself reaching for the popcorn again. God was she hungry.

She continued to watch the movie and reach for more popcorn, but after a few minutes she heard a quiet laugh. She felt embarrassed as she looked in Jungkook’s direction. He was looking at her with a smile on his face as he handed her the bucket of popcorn. She bowed her head slightly as she took it and then looked back at the screen. She was trying to focus on the movie, but she felt as if someone was watching her while trying to do so.

She looked over to Jungkook but he was perfectly engrossed in the movie. She tried to shrug it off, but she felt like someone was watching her practically the rest of the movie.

“Ahhhh, that was so good!” Jungkook smiled and stretched as they exited the movie theater.

“Agreed!” Baekhyun laughed and threw away his drink.

Jungkook and Baekhyun started talking about the movie and their favorite parts of it as Chaerin and Kiseung just watched them in amusement.

“I fell asleep, so I don’t remember anything about it,” Kiseung laughed and looked at Chaerin, “but it’s cute to see the two of them so excited about it.”

Chaerin smiled and nodded in agreement. Jungkook looked so happy talking about the movie even though it was a movie. It was cute how his eyes widened while talking about a part that he liked, and it the way that he smiled to what Baekhyun was saying made Chaerin sigh.

Kiseung watched her friend as she smiled and leaned against the wall that was behind her. “Wow. It’s weird seeing you so happy over a guy like this. Jungkook must mean a lot to you.”

Chaerin’s heart jumped at what Kiseung said as she blushed. She didn’t hesitate to nod because even if she didn’t feel like that was true, she needed to anyway.

Maybe she was fooling herself instead of Kiseung.

The two guys calmed down and turned to their dates who had been talking to each other. Jungkook wrapped his arms around Chaerin from behind as he placed a kiss on her head.

She tried so hard to stop her heartbeat from growing louder and louder.

Baekhyun grabbed Kiseung’s hand before pulling out his phone, “It’s about 9:30 right now. Is everyone hungry?”

Jungkook snickered and poked Chaerin in the stomach. She jumped in surprise and blushed at his next words. She was a blushing mess tonight… “I know Chaerin is. I heard her stomach growl a few times even after she finished off the popcorn.”

Kiseung laughed and started to pull Baekhyun towards the exit, “Who wants Mexican?”

“Ooo, I do,” Jungkook nodded, releasing Chaerin from his hold. She felt slightly disappointed that his warmth disappeared, but he quickly grabbed her hand and laced their fingers together.

Chaerin smiled and agreed to the plans before glancing down at their hands. She took a deep breath and followed Kiseung and Baekhyun out of the building. She felt really happy as her and Jungkook walked to his car, that was until reality set in.

“Kiseung is buying it all. We’re really good at this.”

Chaerin’s smile faltered at his whisper before she nodded and responded in a voice that sounded more upset than she intended, “Yeah… she doesn’t suspect a thing.”

But that might be because you actually like him, and she can tell.

Chaerin slightly shook her head to get rid of the thought, and thankfully Jungkook didn’t notice. Tonight was probably a mistake if things are going to keep being this way.

The four of them were leaving the movies when Taehyung and Nari watched them from inside the building.

“I’m sorry our date ended up this way,” Taehyung frowned at Nari, but she just shook her head and laughed.

“It’s alright. It was fun playing detective with you,” she nodded, causing Taehyung to smile. He grabbed her hand and started pulling her outside.

“Whoa- where are we going?” she asked him as they practically ran to his car. He unlocked it and started it from his keys as they hopped in.

“If you want to keep playing detective, would you like to go to dinner with me?” he asked with a charming smile. Nari smiled back at him and nodded, feeling a lot more excited than she thought she would. The thrill of chasing her friends around without getting caught was exciting for her, and Taehyung’s presence made it even better.

“Do you mind me asking more about your friend?” Taehyung asked as he pulled out of the parking lot. Nari looked over at him and began talking.

“I don’t mind. She’s kinda weird, but in the sense that she just keeps to herself a lot. She’s good at friendzoning guys, so it’s impressive that your friend was able to sneak into her heart.” she started, and immediately Taehyung huffed and nodded. Hearing that confused him, but at the same time it made sense.

“I know you’re keeping a lot of secrets from your friends already, but would you mind keeping more? If not, I can’t tell you what I’m thinking of telling you,” Taehyung said as Nari immediately promised to keep what he was talking about a secret. He smiled and glanced at her, noticing the excitement and curiosity in her expression. She was so cute.

“Jungkook is the son of the CEO of Shinhwa,” Taehyung started as Nari’s eyes widened. She was about to say something, but Taehyung held up a finger to signal for her to stay quiet.

“Not only is he going to be the CEO, but he also has to get married soon. Long story short, Jungkook is now dating your friend with only five months left until he has to get married.”

“Mwoh?!” Nari’s eyes flashed with concern as she just continued to watch Taehyung, “Are you telling me that Chaerin is going to get married in five months?!”

“No,” Taehyung shook his head as Nari got really confused, “I’m telling you that I don’t think that their relationship is real.”

Nari blinked a few times, “I don’t think so… Chaerin looked really happy with him. That was the happiest I’ve seen her with anyone, let alone it being a guy.”

“Well tell me this, would your friend agree to marry a guy that she met only a month ago?” Taehyung asked as Nari’s facial expression dropped.

“Met a month ago? She told us that she started dating him two months ago, so that can’t be right…”

“Trust me, that was a lie,” Taehyung frowned, feeling bad for the girl sitting next to him, “He got the deadline to marry someone in six months about a month ago. A week later, he brought her to a business party but I didn’t even see him with her till they started to leave.”

Nari looked down at her lap, “Omo… Chaerin is faking this whole thing… but why does she look so happy with him?”

Taehyung shrugged, “I don’t know. We need to figure all of this out, so will you help me get to the bottom of it?”

“Of course,” she nodded with a serious expression, “I’ll text you when they’re together and I’ll watch the two of them carefully. I want to know what’s going on…”

Taehyung nodded and held out his fist for a fist bump. She went in for it, but before she could bump his fist, her hand was grabbed and her fingers were laced with his. She blushed and Taehyung glanced at her with a smile on his face.

“You’re probably the coolest girl I’ve met,” he complimented, feeling satisfied at the blush that was on her face.

Ooo who is shipping detectives Nari and Taehyung as hard as I am? x3

⇨ Masterlist ⇦

-Admin Jinnie

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sinceileftyoublog · 5 years ago

Text

Hyro the Hero Interview: Pits Where There Shouldn’t Be

Photo by Mark Adriane

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Let’s get it out of the way: in the critical sphere, rap rock has a bad connotation. Rarely, if ever, do artists tastefully combine the two genres, or even produce something that touches the spirit of both. Enter Houston’s Hyron Fenton, who goes by Hyro the Hero. Following a series of mixtapes, his 2011 debut album Birth, School, Work, Death was a revelation, blending punk and post-hardcore with rap, featuring contributions from some of Fenton’s biggest influences, namely At The Drive-In/The Mars Volta’s Paul Hijonos. Last year, he finally followed up his debut with the more rap-oriented Flagged Channel. His mixture of styles lands him on tours with bands like P.O.D. and festivals like the Rockstar Energy Drink Disrupt Festival, which comes to Tinely Park’s Hollywood Casino Amphitheatre on Friday, and the Vans Warped Tour. But his loyalty to black music and culture nabbed him a spot on this year’s Afropunk lineup, too.

Last month, over the phone, Fenton (who now lives in L.A.) spoke to being the outlier at many shows and festivals and how the history of his across-the-board influences helped him navigate the terrain. He also shared some wisdom about the contemporary music landscape and its increasingly blending notions of genre. Read below, edited for length and clarity.

Since I Left You: It’s been a year since Flagged Channel came out. How has your relationship with the album changed over then?

Hyron Fenton: It’s more of a live feel with the album now because now I’m performing it. I feel it on a different level. I get to push the energy a little bit more. When I’m in the studio, I try to capture that vibe, but it’s nothing like being on the stage.

SILY: It was a few years between that and your debut.

HF: Yeah, it was a whole learning process. I was just trying to get myself together, learn my craft a little more. I got into rap a little bit more, learned structure, different choruses.

SILY: Is your background more in rap or rock?

HF: I come from a hip hop background. Growing up, I was listening to Tupac, 50 Cent, Cam’ron, Eminem--one of my favorite rappers ever. I was the guy who flipped the channel. I started listening to Nickelback and shit like that, and thought, “Okay, this is rock.” And then there’s deeper than that. I got into At The Drive-In, Rancid, and Bad Brains. A little bit more punk rock. I was learning my roots: The Judgement Night soundtrack.

SILY: Were you influenced a lot by the Houston rap scene?

HF: Oh yeah, man, the Houston rap scene is what got me. My sister used to rap with DJ Screw, who was the man in Houston. He died. She knew him before he blew up. To see him start a movement and turn into a whole thing. In Houston, we were kind of snobby about our music--all we would listen to was Houston music. But I decided to venture out a little bit. I started rappin’, and when I rapped I would scream all the time because I would listen to Tupac and try to imitate him. He wasn’t really screaming, but I thought it was so I would scream. I think that’s what helped me out in rock.

SILY: When was the point where you realized you wanted to combine rap and rock?

HF: It was when my ex-girlfriend in high school left me and I got real mad. So I wanted to make a song about it. I didn’t want to rap, because I couldn’t get the emotion out of it, so I took a rock song and I sampled it. I was screaming on that, and it took off from there. I put it up on Myspace.

SILY: Is it still up, or did it get lost when Myspace lost a bunch of data?

HF: I can’t find it! I think I deleted it. I put that one up and a song called “Punk Rock” where I sampled a Soulja Boy beat and sped it up. I was saying, “I’d rather be a punk rocker than a hip hopper, ‘cause y’all just doin’ the ringtone shit.” I was dissing a lot of people back then. [laughs]

SILY: Were you ever into other bands that combined rap and rock, like the Beastie Boys or Rage Against the Machine?

HF: Oh yeah, man. Limp Bizkit. Especially when it came out when they had a song with Method Man, and Eminem had a song with Kid Rock. I saw it becoming cool in a sense. I saw how much respect rock had for rap, but I didn’t see it the other way around so much. Rap was kind of scared of guitars, so it was cool how they blended it.

SILY: I’ve talked to friends who only listened to rap and then the Jay-Z/Linkin Park mashup came out, which turned them on to rock.

HF: They did it right! Jay-Z has such a cool voice, so they really nailed the chill hip hop vibe with it. The music with Linkin Park is so good and respectable. It blended it perfectly.

SILY: Do you feel like you’ve established your own sound beyond your influences?

HF: Yeah, I think I’ve got my own sound going. I’m always compared to Rage no matter what, but the way I rap is a little different. I put in more words. The way Zack [de la Rocha] did it, with little small sentences that were so powerful. That’s a hard thing to do. I got a lot of stuff to say, which is why I rap a little fast and make my words poetic. What they did was so special, though, so it’s cool to get compared to them.

SILY: Looking at the types of shows you’re playing, you’re with a lot of pure rock bands.

HF: The cool thing about me is I can do rap, I can do metal, I can do punk. They can put me in anything. My music blends all categories.

SILY: When you go to the Disrupt Festival versus something like Afropunk, do you cater to what the crowd is gonna want to hear?

HF: I used to do that, but I felt like that didn’t work for me. Now I just do my own thing. I’ve turned some places into pits that shouldn’t have pits. Especially Afropunk--I can’t wait to bring my vibe there. Same energy I bring everywhere.

SILY: Have you gained a lot of new fans at festivals where you’re the genre outlier?

HF: Oh yeah, man, especially in this day and age. Back then, it was a little different. People were a little bit wary of it. Now, everybody is into everything. If you look at rap shows, they’re trying to be like punk rockers with mosh pits. It’s really no different.

SILY: Trap has mosh pits, but then there’s also emo rock rap like Lil Peep.

HF: XXX[Tentacion], Lil Uzi [Vert], and all them. They’re doing stuff I was doing when I was young. [laughs] I was just a little ahead of my time.

SILY: The rise of the Internet really allowed that to happen.

HF: It’s a gift and a curse. It’s open for everybody, so everybody thinks they’re a rapper and they can do music. The special feel of it has gone. Truly talented people don’t get heard. It’s just if someone makes an ear candy song. At the same time, people are able to express themselves and it makes everybody work harder to get heard.

SILY: And people who previously didn’t have an in or money can get heard.

HF: I was like, “Damn, man, I didn’t have these opportunities when I was young.” I had a crew, but I didn’t have YouTube or Instagram. It’s a gift right now.

SILY: Do you feel like you have to anticipate trends or what people are going to be doing so you can stand out?

HF: I just do my own thing. I don’t pay attention too much. I listen to music, and it inspires me, but as far as the waves go, I’m a little too old to know what’s up. By the time I hear a song, I’m like, “Oh, it’s a big song?” People got dances to it and everything, and I’m already late on it. [laughs]

SILY: How do you listen to music these days?

HF: Spotify playlists. I love YouTube. I like looking at old live shows. If you look at my Instagram stories, I call it homework. Looking at live shows from Queen, Bob Marley.

SILY: Have you heard anything lately that’s blown your mind?

HF: Lately, I’ve been into this band from Flint, Michigan, King 810. The song “Alpha & Omega”. It’s real dark and heavy. I don’t know if it’s old, but I jam that album. [Editor’s note: It’s from 2016.]

SILY: Are you a big metal fan?

HF: Oh yeah, I’m into metal. More punk rock, but I fall into metal because I love the metal sound. But I couldn’t tell you any new metal bands. I’m into old school metal. If you look at lineups, the old school cats still headlining.

SILY: I saw the Slayer farewell tour at the venue you’re playing here.

HF: Oh man. For throwback Thursday, I was gonna post a picture I had with Kerry King. It’s from back in 2012.

SILY: Sounds like I need to follow you on Instagram!

HF: I have tons of cool stuff there, especially with the lyrics I spit. I’m not political--I leave that up to everyone else. Everybody’s super political online and “woke��--I just like to be fun. [laughs]

SILY: Changing gears--does Houston still feel like home?

HF: Oh yeah, I was just there with some homies for 4-5 days. Went out to the club, partied hip hop style with bottles and stuff--shit I don’t normally do, but it was fun--I ain’t gon’ lie.

SILY: My girlfriend has family near Houston in Humble, and we go to the rodeo every year.

HF: The rodeo is fun, man! I haven’t been to it in a while. I remember when Destiny’s Child did shows there before they were super famous.

SILY: Increasingly, they’re booking a lot besides country. This past year, Cardi B broke the attendance record, before first Los Tigres del Norte and then George Strait broke it again.

HF: That’s crazy! They’ve been booking all kinds of acts now. And even if you look at country--look at Lil Nas X. Hip hop goin’ country. There’s another song going viral right now, a young black kid doing country with a trap kind of vibe.

SILY: Do you like “Old Town Road”?

HF: I love it. I hope he got another one, because it’s so good. It’s kind of hard to top it. [Editors note: Yes, it is.]

SILY: I loved Billy Ray Cyrus’s post-Billboard charts “Is this country enough for you now?” flex?

HF: [laughs] I get it. They probably looked at it and thought, “You’re making a parody of country.” But he’s really sticking with it.

Country already had some hip hop aspects to it, like Florida Georgia Line. I’m from Texas, so I know a little bit about old country, like “Mama Tried”. It’s cool to see the hip hop aspect of it.

SILY: Why did you change your name from Hyro Da Hero to Hyro The Hero?

HF: “D-A” was a little too hard--I always had to spell it out. People just said “The” anyway. So I thought I’d change it. Maybe some Mandela Effect type of way. But I didn’t realize I had so much stuff that said “Da,” so it messed up my merchandise. [laughs]

SILY: It’s probably really valuable!

HF: Yeah, and I have a lot of it.

SILY: Do you have any new music you’re thinking about or recording?

HF: I’ve been working on some dope stuff. I can’t really speak on it, but when people say it’s kind of hard to do the next album--this one might give Flagged Channel a run for its money. Some of these songs, I’m just so excited to do live.

SILY: Are you going to do any of them on upcoming shows?

HF: No, we haven’t learned them yet. A lot of them I don’t even know if they’ll make the album. I have a few for sure with some really cool people. Artists like me--I’m a rapper slash rocker, so I can move around with different bands and musicians and have an all-star cast.

SILY: And introduce people who haven’t met or worked with each other.

HF: Exactly. That’s what’s so dope about it.

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mellorad · 7 years ago

Text

pt 2/2, loosely connected to last night’s post. regarding how I’ve been feeling recently, with some vague context on a few other things that happened.

I genuinely thought my life was starting to get back on track when it comes to friendships earlier this year. My social life’s always been a bit of a mess; to the point that I have become extremely insecure, wary, and pessimistic.

And for the first time in my life... things felt like they were getting stable, like I had found comfort, great friends I could trust and... love! Without doubting or overthinking anything. I made incredible friendships at the end of 2016/beginning of 2017, and solidified others for good around that time too. I had truly amazing times throughout the year, too, hanging out with my friends, travelling around, having a great friend coming over to visit!

But... some other scattered situations throughout the year, nothing too much for the most part: a few tense conversations, with the exception of an argument with a friend like I haven’t had in years.... and while I tried my best to not let any of it get to me, it obviously did at some point, even if just slightly. As such... I started to bottle things up. Something I had stopped doing for a long time... for several reasons.

I had a massive depressive period between... March to middle of May, more or less; I can’t pinpoint it accurately. I don’t know if you noticed; I remember venting about it vaguely ocasionaly or dropping hints in the tags. It was caused because of uni stress with a particular class, the usual struggles with perfectionism and high expectations and... I don’t know, man, honestly, I still can’t figure out exactly what and why, even though I’ve thought about it a lot.

It’s... hard to explain. Before that I had been super social... and during this period, talking to my friends in my daily life was... the only thing keeping me happy. So I would hang out with my friends irl as much as I could, in and out of uni; talk to my friends out here... and I’d avoid getting home to my apartment.

I remember the feeling too clearly, and I dreaded it at the end of the day. Because I knew, the moment I opened the door to my room, I’d feel... empty. So empty. So lonely, numb, apathetic. I kept thinking: “I can try my best to distract myself and pretend everything is fine, but at the end of the day, all I come home to is an empty room; and of all the things I can escape, I can’t escape myself.”

I tried a few times to explain this to a few people; and it was shrugged off as “ah you’ll feel better soon, it’s just your adjustment to suddenly being so social after being alone for so long”... which is understandable, but it didn’t solve any of it.

In retrospective, I realize now; to compensate for my inner numbness, I would be overly excited, extremely vocal in my appreciation for my certain friends... in a desperate attempt to burry these feelings and make sure they knew how much they mattered to me.

This ended up being unhealthy for me, and unhealthy for a few too... Particularly with one person, perhaps the last friend I ever wanted to... “hurt” in any way. I came on too strong for a little while, overwhelmed them with my appreciation/enthusiasm and gestures, and made things... a bit awkward between us for a bit.

It’s... so fucking awful, how I was afraid of overwhelming them at one point; and the moment I felt like I could let go of that fear, I was careless, tactless, and I screwed things up a bit without realizing I was doing it, without meaning to. It’s so much worse making a mistake without realizing it than being aware of it, specially when I’m this acutely aware of what my flaws are, and constantly striving to improve.

I realized it soon after... and we ended up discussing it and clearing things up eventually; and for that I’m truly glad, since things seem to be... getting better, I think. I hope. There never really was any bad blood between us. But this situation haunted me for... months; at first I couldn’t deal with the regret of having made that mistake... and I felt so frustrated, so angry, so ashamed of myself (remember the times I’d mention I was frustrated with something? yeah)... it took me a while to accept things and try to move on.

It still gets me today, though, and it has for so many weeks, in a completely different way; it’s not the situation itself, but how the realization of that mistake made me (re)think and overthink every single aspect of myself, all my actions and all my flaws lately. I’ve become even more insecure, careful, introspective... I just... haven’t felt fundamentally okay with myself for a while now; I seriously thought I was improving, I was getting somewhere as a person. Now I realize I have... so, so much to learn, but fuck, I just... want to feel alright with myself again, comfortable in my own skin, unafraid of talking to others; not so wary, or distant. I want to “be myself”, like everyone says I need to be, without overthinking things.

All this time I haven’t been able to talk to... anyone about this last part, really; how... lost I’ve felt. It’s like the words can’t come out of my mouth: “it’s not the right time”, “I don’t want to ruin this conversation by mentioning what’s going on” “this is ridiculous, they’re fed up of listening to my depressed ass” “you’re gonna bring this up again? god you’re insufferable”.... Even when I want to message most of my friends, I feel so uneasy, and I think to myself: “they have their own life going on, and I don’t want to interfere with it” or “no, i’ll feel guilty for this, like I am bothering them”...

So I’ve grown quiet, aloof, distant. Talking less, grinding the thoughts in my head over and over again more; thoughts I can’t discern completely sometimes, but I feel the mental exhaustion. Not posting much out here, replying very late to messages. Even if... god, I desperately want to reach out, I really do, I want to be able to do that... but I just.. can’t. I want to ask for reassurance, but my pride stops me and says I shouldn’t ask for it, reassurance should be given naturally if it’s honest. I want to talk about it, but I never managed to blurt out the words, or I end up deleting a message halfway through. It’s happened so many times by now.

But in the end... this is my problem, my very personal one to solve. I don’t want to bring anyone into this mess, it’s already enough as it i. It’s my problem, one I’ve dug myself into. I need to figure this out by myself and get out of it, no matter how long it takes. So... now you know if I’m not posting as much out here, or talking as much. It’s not that I don’t want to, quite the contrary... it’s just difficult for me to reach out.

But... now you know. I need to work this out on my own. Things will be better eventually, in time. And... I’m sorry if any of my friends is actually reading this... it’s been way too hard to say it directly to anyone specifically. Writing this was... something I really needed... a way for me to speak into the void, to no one in particular... lay down everything in a coherent order for myself, and explain things out to those who might come across and read this by chance.

#mello talks #personal #no more personal posts for months now; this will be the last of its kind for a very long time #here's why I haven't been posting much; or interacting much too #providing context to a few vent posts of the past #it's so lenghty fml djhjghjsfhj but cutting down info there wouldn't make it as logical but still... FML FDSJHGHJF #i just wanted to be honest and get this out of the way; keeping it in or hiding it has been hell #i needed to write this to clear my head a bit. and i figured you; my dear friends and people who care about me out here #deserved an explanation; more out of me than this #this is my own problem to deal and I don't want to drag anyone into this; it'll just take... work and time.#man I cried a lot writing this but it made me feel a lot better afterwards. I haven't managed to cry it out for weeks #i'll delete this later too... tomorrow or the other day maybe #i'm highly aware of how stupid this entire ordeal is and I wish I didn't have feelings at all and things didn't affect me tbh #for the first time in my life I kept thinking throughout the last months: 'i'd rather be someone else. i wish i could reset; start over'#'or be someone entirely different. i don't want to be myself. i don't want to be this person at all'#and i still don't but hey i gotta stick with it and find a way out of this mess alone

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