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lovecolibri · 14 days ago

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SaL anon here again my friend with a quick 🫂 for you. And now let's dive in.

So the great and unexpected: Madney!!! I didn't think we'd be getting much from them this episode, and it was starting to feel weird that we hadn't heard from them after Mara left, so I was so, so happy to see them finally get some dedicated screen time!!! And I loved how they handled their talk about kids and really brought home how solid and loving their relationship is (of course Chim already knew, that's her husband!!!). And while the well call-back being about their story was a surprise, it wasn't unpleasant, it worked and Kenny killed that scene, they never said it outright but you could feel Chimney thinking about his own brother when he was talking to the kid. And yeah, Maddie making a rule that she not be treated with kid gloves was so good to see, it needed to be said. Perfect subplot for them, no notes.

The incredible and only partly expected: Eddddddie!!! We are finally, actually dealing with the root of Eddie's problems and yeah it feels mean to say (but Tim kinda earned it after last season's mess) they are actually handling it well. The hot gay priest is a lovely bonus, but him being the one to push Eddie made sense for where Eddie is at now. And the Risky Business dance after shaving??!! TV at its finest. And as a last point actually putting "Oh, I'm straight." in the script?? That man is getting out and I can't wait, we are going to feats my friend.

Now not great but I get why but also I'm tired: The break up. So before I get salty let me just emphasize BONES 🥂🥂🥂🥂🎉🎉🎉🎉!!! Oh god it feels like we lived the literal seasons of BT 1.0 in these 10 or so episodes of BT 2.0 and I'm so glad its done for and we are free. That being said let's talk about the way they handled this. So is it just me or is Tim literally recycling his lonestar secret wife plotline for Tommy but with slightly less plotholes?? Because Josh's whole speech minus the Glee nonsense sounded a lot like his facebook post from that time. That man seriously needs to let his bad ideas die. Also whether your trying to face-value justify Tommy seriously hurting Abby during a rough time in her life (and I'm no fan of Abby) or trying to imply that we should let go of the racism and misogyny of the past in the subtext, "you don't know what's it was like to be scared and gay and closeted" isn't an excuse!!!! You don't get to magically wave away people being harmed by a character's actions OR someone close to those people passing judgement on those actions with a "pre-Glee" argument, its absurd. And yeah, maybe they had to have a good excuse for Buck to overcompensate and jump into "let's move in together!" but is this really the best they could do?? Speaking of Buck overcompensating, I repeat from last week, the hamster wheel is not fun!!! I mean at least they didn't actually move in together, but to try and pull off a last minute "I won't because I care too much" from the guy who just brought Buck tickets to watch a game he hates for an anniversary present is just 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄. Also unless its part of his post-breakup spiraling we are once again not going to discuss the condescending attitude, the digs at Buck being mature enough, or telling Buck who he is all the way up until the final scene. I'm tired. Why did we go through all of this nonsense for months to end with Buck getting nothing from this relationship aside from realizing he's bi, we could've done that in 2 or 3 episodes last seasons and spared everyone the pain of trying to buy into's Lou's attempts at acting. Just ugh.

At least we ended with Buddie on the couch, which definitely feels like the start of something. Thoughts (salty or otherwise)??

Hello my friend, and thanks for the hugs, they are appreciated 🫂

Okay, let's get to it! I am SO very excited about a new Madney baby! They deserve to have a lovely, healing experience after the last time! Their discussions about joy were sweet and I loved their rules! They have to communicate, but with trust! He has to trust that when she says she's okay and doing well, she is, and she has to trust that if she is NOT doing well, she can speak up and he (and everyone) will be there to support her. I love this for them, and also for us! And also for Uncle Buck and the good stuff we can get there too.

The Eddie stuff was so good! We see him STILL hiding the actual truth of what happened in his storytelling and putting all the weight on himself! And even without the full story, Hot Priest Brian still knew exactly what was up and what to say to help kick-start Eddie's journey. As much as I hate this Chris plot dragging out like it has been, this episode gives some reasoning by telling us Eddie is keeping himself from joy to punish himself, and Chris has always been a joy for him. Hopefully we will see him taking steps soon to go get his son back.

As for the break-up, at the very least we can celebrate it being over! 🍾🥂🎉🍾🥂🎉🍾🥂🎉 I wasn't expecting it to be super satisfying but damn this show still manages to let me down 😒 I am *cackling* at the LS comparison because it's just like, same premise, different font 🙄. And if it didn't work the first time and actually got a LOT of criticism, why pull the same shit again? Except that BT 2.0 is called that for a reason because it's the same as BT 1.0 down to the stank face about an ILY, and a panicked "move in with me so I can prove I'm good enough" from Buck. How tired and boring.

I'm glad Bryan gave a speech that resonated with him. I'm glad it can be looked at with an Eddie lense. I'm NOT glad that we are excusing racism, and misogyny in the name of "protecting closet space". Eli was a white man who worked in the same house under the same people, and we NEVER see him engaging in that kind of shit! So it's not like T couldn't have hung out with him instead, he actively CHOSE to be part of the problem. And at the end of the day, we STILL see the misogyny from T, in the way he talked about Abby!

Literally, WHAT did Buck learn here? BT 1.0 didn't really teach him anything either because he left not because he was miserable and unhappy, but because she once again put people he loved in danger for her own personal gain. And even THEN they didn't actually talk about that or let anyone on the firefam make any comments about her behavior, or the way she treated him, or how unhappy he had looked. And here we are again, with Buck trying to shrink himself down to be what someone wants, while the show refuses to address it, even through other characters talking amongst themselves about their concern for Buck. NGL I snorted SO hard at Buck saying he didn't think T could be that cruel because that's the ONLY thing we knew about him as a person until they brought him back in s7. We literally could have avoided ALL of this and gotten rid of him in 7x05 and let Buck have an actual plot about exploring this side of himself, and reflecting on what he actually wants.

*deep sigh*

On the bright side!! Couch theory is fucking BACK! We got Buck having the same couch his mom got for him(???), we got T laying on it looking the most uncomfortable a human has ever looked on a couch (his head isn't even on the pillow??) while Buck is across the room starting an allergic reaction to the medicine T gave him, we got Eddie dancing around and jumping on the couch, and we got Buck showing up and them sitting in silence on Eddie's couch (the first time the two of them alone have shared a couch) with pictures of their missing son framed between them! What a way to end the episode! And next week is lightning strike trauma??? It feels good to be this excited about the show again, even if it still could use some work to get back to the level of the good ol days. We're on the right path!

Thanks for giving me something else to think about today 💙

#my sweet nonnie friends #sleeping at last anon #911 #buddie #anti bucktommy

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wetcatspellcaster · 10 months ago

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First of all, thank you so much for all you do! Your work has gotten me through a really rough few weeks dealing with the first anniversary of my mom's death. I'm so excited every time I get an ao3 notification for one of your stories. ❤️

Also I'm a huge Buffy fan and your Ascended Astarion has such presouled-but-in-love-with-buffy Spike vibes I love it. Especially his not understanding why his super romantic gestures of murder and abduction are not working on the object of his affections. I love how frustrated and baffled Astarion is by Rose's refusals. "These things are the *height* of vampire wooing? how's she not swooning?? She must be playing hard to get."

Also every time they get into a physical altercation, it absolutely feels like it may end in building destroying sex. 😏

I did have a question about Astarion's expectations about Rose (which feel free not to answer if its spoilers or you dont feel like it). I know he dumped her after she wouldn't be turned by him post ritual but it seems like he's definitely spent years getting things ready to have her living with him since then with the custom bedrooms and the rose gardens. Did he expect her to come back on her own since then? even after telling her he basically wanted nothing to do with her?

Anyway this was long 😅 but thanks again for sharing your talent and imagination with us. good luck with your surgery! ❤️

Hello anon, thank you so much for messaging me. I use fic writing as a mental health lifeline (and guess what! I have also bereaved a parent in my time!) so I'm glad I can pay that comfort forward to you and anyone else, in some small form. I hope the anniversary and any related feelings that come up pass smoothly.

(also, Ascendent/Spike parallels are such a call out at the particular moment I am in drafting. I think my approach to souls in D&D is very coloured by what meaning they hold in BtVS).

To your question! I'll try to answer as best I can.

The initial reaction and break up is obvious dictated a little by canon, but in my version of events, it's also coloured by the violent/traumatic nature of the Ascendent's 'birth'. On the one hand, Ascended!Astarion is drunk on power and his first real sense of freedom, but on the other, it has come at a dramatic and awful cost that everyone around him witnessed and cannot deny. Also, not to spoil, but I have aligned my reading of the events with the fanon interpretation that a romanced Astarion justifies his desire for Ascendency through Tav, or fear of losing that relationship. So Rose's initial rejection causes a lot of anger and deliberate cruelty, because of the confusion and pain behind it: he did the Rite, partly for her, Rosalie watched him do the Rite and didn't stop him, and now? she's suddenly having second thoughts? When it's irreversible? When he's stuck here, now? And she refuses keep him company?

The anger and pain around that was real, I believe, and causes him to lash out. Hence, the break-up. Much with the way I write the Ascendent in all guises, he does an extremely stupid thing, then commits to the bit and doubles down. Oh, he's dumped her now? He kind of didn't mean to do that, but now he can't be desperate and take it back, so he has to lean in and pretend that was what intended to do all along, etc.

Then she leaves for real? Well, fuck her. He didn't need her anyway - that's why he dumped her, after all. Nothing to do with the trauma, or his mistakes. So then, he commits to the bit, twicefold. He leans in further. Starts to perform the exact life he'd said he'd have without her. Gets new friends, new lovers, an underground network of power, etc. That takes a few years.

Oh. Wait. Why does none of this feel good? Why does it all feel awful???Must be because his girlfriend, the one he did this all for, isn't here (and who's fault was that again? by this point, he's forgotten).

But pride is still a major factor in the way the Ascendent conducts himself, and he can't go to her - he can't look desperate, or unhappy, or like he regrets his decisions. I've used this in a justification of why he never sought her out in places he couldn't pretend he found her by chance, even though he can smell her blood and knows she goes to Waterdeep - he can't be the one to go to her. And she must be miserable, right? He is. So he starts to engineer things for her return, because she'll be the one to cave first, and besides, he's got eternity anyway. He's so patient (lol).

And then, inevitably, when Rosalie continues living her life avoiding him, he's like "welp. I can't go to her (pride), and she isn't coming to me. Time to make her come to me (murderous intent)" and that's how he kills a ballroom full of people. He genuinely thinks what's keeping them apart is the distance, not the element of choice (because. um. we've seen what he thinks of free will). He believes that once they're in the same room together, it'll be impossible for her to resist. He can charm her. He did it once before. And he's not sad or conflicted about it this time. And he's the same person, right?

[author laughs in REDACTED]

So basically, his expectation of Rose was that she would be the one to break first. They both love each other, and she's a nice person. She's the bleeding heart. She's the one who was seduced the first time round.

When none of that happens, he decides to engineer the same set of circumstances in a lab, assuming that forcing her into returning will have the same outcome as her choosing to return (you may notice a pattern of behaviour emerging). So once the Ascendent has created forced proximity and given himself the chance to seduce Tav all over again, he's certain he'll win, because he knows the playbook, and it worked on them, and since he Ascended he's had proof it works on everyone else.

But unfortunately, a successful romance in this scenario relies on Ascended!Astarion not being awful, for 5 minutes which... um.... he hasn't achieved once in this fic, not once.

#asks #anons #lovely words from lovely people #wip: pieces still stuck in your teeth #what is Ascension if not committing to the bit? discuss.#a long ask gets a long answer anon!

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cheerstotheelites-if · 2 years ago

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Oh god it's been a year already??? April 8??? Wasn't it just March yesterday?

Oh, uh, s h i t

Happy 1 Year Anniversary! (Holy crap)

Man, time sure is f a s t. One year of being here with you guys and just vibing. Zamn. That's crazy.

I know I keep saying this, but I really do appreciate all of you guys for sticking around for so long. I never expected the silly little stories with my silly little characters 13 year old me was writing and creating would come to this in the end. It's honestly just so mind boggling, and I want to say thank you. Thank you for showing your support, for being so patient with me, for those that send such fun asks and prompts to answer, and just being so cool in general. Don't say that you aren't. I'll fight ye on that. I also thank the lurkers in my followers, I know you and I don't tango too much with interactions but your likes, reblogs or just generally looking through is enough for me.

I'd also like to thank the mutuals and friends I made in the IF community and in the Write Club Discord server for being so cool and helpful. I never expected to make any mutuals here, and I'm honestly glad I did.

I'm kissing you all platonically on the cheek because you deserve it for being the best. 💙💙💙

Now, for the Anniversary Special content...... I don't have one written. I already have a short one for 1k Followers and is just waiting to be posted, but I forgot to prep one for the Anniversary. 🥲😭😭

I was planning to make a small IF to commomerate it, but college finals reared its ugly head like a disease so I didn't have enough time. So, instead, I'll just give y'all some Beta and BtS facts about this IF before it came to be as it is now. Hope that'll suffice, and I promise I'll make it up to y'all next year. 😭😭

Back in the earliest drafts for this IF, the prologue was supposed to start with a student Magus summoning an eldritch being from the underside of Reflection and it backfiring completely. The genre was supposed to fully embrace supernatural, but I ended up scrapping it instead for what we have now.

Beta Zephyrine was a mean girl diva; supposedly Fleur's opposite and bully. I changed it after deciding that Zeph's better off being Fleur's opposite in a more positive way (the version Zeph currently is) and genuinely being Fleur's friend, than whatever toxic mess the former was.

Eliseo was originally gonna be the big bad because of well… look at him. I ended up not doing that, because… look at him. He's simpable material, unfortunately.

Emery wasn't supposed to exist. I didn't originally intend for MC to learn nor have magic in the original drafts, thus no Familiar needed either, and let them be a non-magic character in the story. I changed my mind when I thought about how unfair that'll be, since that'll just make MC more of a damsel than a person with autonomy.

The 1586 Accident and the Willowsberg family as a whole was originally supposed to stay as a "myth" and unexplored as a whole. They were supposed to be mentioned only in passing and not talked about again.

In the early drafts, Fleur's parents were already dead/gone and she was working as her family bank's CEO at the start of the story. She was an outside figure that you'll meet through either Zephyrine or Weylyn.

Cooper was originally more of a loveable asshole back in his early characterization stages; smug know-it-all that loves to be a mischief maker. I have no idea what change happened to make him the hyper golden retriever he is now, but I don't regret it and I don't wanna know.

The choice of setting the IF in a rural city and in Lumintoile Academia specifically was based on old oneshots I wrote about Weylyn and Fleur 2-3 years ago. If you want to know what those oneshots are about, both of them are confessions scenes with Weylyn being the confessor.

Before Ophelia came to be as the 6th RO, she was originally supposed to be an antagonist, mostly due to a oneshot I wrote about her as a concept character 2 years ago. There were scenes planned where she would fight the cast and drama would ensue, but knowing what I know, I ended up scrapping the idea.

Weylyn's characterization didn't change much from his beta, surprisingly, and I think he's the only one who has retained his beta traits (besides some mild redesigning). I always intended him to be, well, him. The only things that did change are in spoiler territory, but very important to his characterization.

There were supposed to be 2 more side characters that you'll be introduced to in the early chapters with Fleur being a young CEO idea in mind, which were her two younger estranged cousins from her mother's side. I scrapped the idea for now, but they might make an appearance soon.

I had ideas to implement variables that show preferrences and proficiency in what magic MC uses, intending for them (MC) to be a jack-of-all trades instead of focusing solely on one magic. But then I thought about the long list of already existing variables I've written down, and went nope.

Eliseo & Fleur had the most rewrites and rehauls on their characterization. From what I can count and remember until recently, it's 10.

When I was making Emery, and basing him off of the Familiar Poll results, he was intented to be younger, 3 years old to be exact. I decided to age him up to 5 years old, because a) he would be too powerful, b) baby, c) "sir, that is a toddler and fresh out of infancy", and d) he would be too powerful.

The inspiration for the IF's whole vibes are from Kiersten White's 'The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein', V.C. Andrew's 'My Sweet Audrina', Laurie Anderson's 'Speak', Kyoukai no Kanata, Wonder Egg Priority, and the Dark Academia aesthetic itself.

This was originally supposed to be a self-contained story, more of a moment in the cast's life than something that will affect them in the long run or be actively going through with time, until I decided to add it into a growing timeline of events alongside other IF's.

#L's screams #Thank yall for being through this journey with me #it's honestly been fun so far #until next year again!!!💙💙💙

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many-but-one · 2 years ago

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I don't care either way if you post this or not, but reading your thread about how y'all's journey has been through trauma work and processing resonated with me so hard. I'm the new host and the first ws know of to have a subsystem, and I remember more of our trauma than the previous co-hosts. And even then I've been told I don't know everything. February is a trauma anniversary for us and our work has gotten unbearable with our new manager. like even if we weren't going through all this brain stuff our body is in so much pain idk how much longer I can work. But its that AND all these new developments. This new memories, and new/discovered alters, and the fear of not knowing what's going on. Anyways. Just wanted to say your writing spoke to me and I see you out there surviving.

Hey, glad it resonated with you. We are honestly due to update that again, as a lot of things have happened since that last update. Which, we share the absolute bare minimum anyway and that post has honestly become more for our own documentation than for anyone else. Seeing where our host started to where we are now is jarring. And I am a part who knew about a lot of this stuff (definitely not all, but I knew we were a system of many many parts at the very least), but even I could not have predicted where we would be now. We’ve had a couple of fusions and some major changes in hierarchy the last couple of weeks.

Overall though?

Coping sucks. This shit sucks. It’s not fun or glorious. There are definitely times when it’s enjoyable. There are times when we can enjoy being a system of parts. Like when I help Jade do her makeup and help her put a wig on because she doesn’t know how and she gets to see someone that looks at least slightly more like herself than ever before, or inside jokes, or seeing something at the store and thinking of your inner world best friend and knowing they’d like it, so you get it for them. Seeing videos others would like on youtube and saving it to their playlist, seeing art or music they would like and saving it for them (our screenshot folder is…ugh, I don’t wanna talk about it), and having a camaraderie together is what makes the suffering just a little bit more okay. We all know we are here to protect each other, even when it hurts. There’s a sense of self love in that. Jules (old old host, the one that started this blog and has fused down and split a few times since then) said something once that has always resonated with me and with a lot of other systems we know. “DID is the ultimate act of self love and self preservation. Your brain did this to protect itself. To protect you.” It can be easy to be angry or frustrated by all of this, but we have learned that rather than be angry at ourselves, it is much better to be angry toward the people actually responsible. The abusers. Being able to comprehend that what happened wasn’t our fault and dealing with some of that shame has helped us move leaps and bounds forward.

I hope the best for you moving forward and I appreciate the ask. It’s been a long few weeks. I’m already ready for this year to be over.

🪷Vivi👑 (he/him)

#vivian🪷#asks #celestialodysseys #dissociative identity disorder #did alters #did osdd #trauma #personal post

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its-moopoint · 1 year ago

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When you thought shippers couldn't sink any lower they spew this vomit.

wildfernflower

I'm pretty sure the choice of this very "remarkable" date for the funeral was not accidental. She with her family could organize it one day earlier or later if only they wished so. Monaghan is a small parish, I very much doubt all days around Aug 10th were booked out for funerals, weddings, or other ceremonies. But C has now a perfect excuse not to celebrate or even mention the anniversary and mourn her late father instead.

margareth-lv

She’s just a victim of her own fate… 🤦🏻‍♀️

auburncurlslass

There's not one shred of evidence of C and maestro except MC from GRO.UK with zero validation. Z E R O.

loveoutlanderworld

Such a sad coincidence 😔 fate is very interesting. Anyway, she posted a pic of herself with a goat after her wedding, so maybe she will post a pic with a horse or with Adso for her anniversary, you know the “husband” is very shy 😂😂😂

jays911

OMG!!! Stars aligned!!!

auburncurlslass

Omg....what a fucking coincidence!....who would have thought that fate had other ideas regarding Caitriona's bag of lies. August 10, 2019....the fake wedding that never happened...

=================

They posted anniversary wedding photos of Priyanka Chopra and Eleanor Tomlinson and the one with Cait and her brother at the funeral to mock her and Tony, because that photo is of her and Sam "holding each other". Pushing aside the fact that PC and ET don't have crazy shippers stalking their homes and trashing them and their spouses, but do these imbeciles even know how funerals are planned, especially for large families with relatives and friends scattered all over the country or the world? That it takes time to gather everyone who wants to attend? Her family is one of those and her dad was a well liked and respected police officer. He passed away on August 2nd and the funeral was on August 10. Basically one week which is normal to gather everyone together.

They intentionally want her to think of August 10 as a wedding spoiler. This is how evil they are.

I have no doubt that Cait is able to lovingly remember her dad and celebrate her wedding without diminishing either, but these women are so demented they can only think one evil way.

Yes I'm aware of this disgusting piece of bullshit. Several people found it as offensive as you did and reported it to me.

I have only one warning for "dear" Margaret above: karma finds its way sooner rather than later and the amount of bile in her posts regarding C's father's death will come directly back at her.

It's ridiculous that this needs to be said to full grown ups but it's clear by now these idiots don't form a full working neuron together between the lot of them so lets break it down easily. You can't choose when your loved ones die, it happens when it does and then there are formalities and time periods to observe. Finally at such ages there's important stuff and minor stuff and no one of 40 years will throw a tantrum at having their birthday or anniversary or holidays postponed by the death of a close relative FFS.

As for the rest of the stupid post regarding celebrity couples who share their lives on social media, you can't put CB there since she never shared in her SM footage of her private life with her husband or son. It's all under her control, what she shares and what she doesn't.

I'm glad there's the comment above mentioning the marriage certificate from GRO and these lunatics saying it means nothing. At least any outsider tempted by their rubbish would leave the thought immediately at reading that.

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winecupwars · 2 years ago

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progress report: year-end edition

we went a full year without one of these funky little things, can you believe it? well let's get back into it. here's my 2022, all wrapped up :)

some neat things that happened this year:

my 28th birthday! i remember looking for songs that mention being 28 and they were all forlorn, with lyrics like "i'm 28... is it too late?" like. hello? you're in your late twenties, not turning into dust. i swear, society's obsession with being young and thinking that life ends at 30 is the cause of so much unnessary pain and worry. aging is a gift! let yourself grow old!!

first time to vote in a national election!! the one i voted for didn't win, sadly, and the one who won is an inept corrupt piece of shit who i wish would get the comeuppance he and his entire family deserves. i hate them so much. but enough about that.

my first work anniversary! as of now, this is the longest i've worked at any company. and i still like my job, amazingly. i can see myself working here for the next few years.

went through a battery of blood tests and doctors appointments, which all came down to this conclusion: i need to lose weight and fix my diet. which i am doing now! i am eating somewhat better, and exercising semi-regularly. i'm working on it.

i have a girlfriend now!!!!! we've been together a month and a few weeks as of this december hehe. i'm happy :)

i took a pottery class and realized that it's challenging and expensive. on the fence about pursuing it as a hobby, tbh

wrote some moz/ulysses stuff that i posted on ao3 and on my fallout tumblr!! drew a bunch of fallout oc art as well. finally made an oc page with all new art, for example. check it out if you want!

got my first tattoo!! it's of the skull from the skeleton on the cover of the black parade, with lyrics from famous last words. it's so nice and now i want another one. they can be addicting!

started a vinyl collection finally!!!!

wrote up an entire thing about my plans for kapitan kwek kwek, as well as a script for the first story!! i was about to draw when i got distracted by my gf ahahahahhaha

learned how to make browned butter horlicks cookies! i think they're going to be my signature cookies now.

there are definitely more things that happened that i've forgotten about lmao but those are the big ones that immediately came to mind.

as for the media that i experienced this year - i dedicated an entire notebook to it, with ratings and little blurbs of how the thing made me feel. it's cool, and i recommend doing it. reading back on those entries, i think here's my top pieces of media for this year:

book: i'm glad my mom died by jennette mccurdy

i didn't read a lot of books this year, but this was the one that i fully enjoyed the most, despite its subject matter. after reading, i just want the best for jennette. her life has been nothing short of tragic, and she writes about it so simply and yet so impactfully.

series: amc's interview with the vampire

there were soooo many good shows that i watched this year. our flag means death, the bear, abbott elementary, arcane, etc etc, but this one. this one. kept me on the edge of my seat for the few weeks it was on air. my cousins and i were hooked! it's doing its own thing and that's what makes it a great adaptation. best show of the year, by a mile.

movie: nocebo (2022) dir. lorcan finnegan

i watched this with my girlfriend in the cinema, during the qcinema festival. i honestly only wanted to watch it because i was curious about whether it'll be racist towards filipinos, but surprisingly, it wasn't! it's a filipino-irish (!) film that is ugh so good and so subtle and so magical and heavy. justice for all kentex workers, and for all workers like them, who are being paid poverty wages and worked to the bone in terrible conditions, all for foreign bosses who could not care less about thier wellbeing. we will have our justice.

youtube

album: the loneliest time by carly rae jepsen

it was a toss-up between this, laurel hell by mitski, and dance fever by florence and the machine, but in the end, carly rae jepsen's pop masterpiece won. it's just fun, and more of carly's signature pop flavor. top three songs: sideways, bends, and bad thing twice. though, honestly? all songs are top-tier.

i'm happy to be doing this again! i need to get back in the groove of writing, to be honest. and what is the point of a blog if i don't, well, blog? so. here. see you all again in a week!

#progress report #shh peri shhh

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notebookmusical · 1 year ago

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Hi! The text post I was talking about was the depression maximizing it's joint slay which is awful but was also kinda funny in the moment. I'm so sorry about your voice! I'm not even sure how it can be gone for that many days still but I hope you are taking care of yourself and getting plenty of rest. I'm glad your work party was okay besides that though which sounds horrible actually. I hope it is a little better by your birthday. Do you have any fun plans?

Wow I guess we are opposites in that way! Coffee is just okay to me and I would never have any reason to drink it basically, if my sister didn't. That makes sense but I think I just prefer hot chocolate in the winter I guess and soda or maybe lemonade in the summer. But I drink soda everyday haha but have been drinking it for a long time and can barely remember ever not drinking it. But I think a lot of people don't drink it as much as I thought anymore so maybe I'm the weird one and I know it might be cuz it's bad for you. But maybe I like things that are really sweet compared to other people.

Well I'm not that familiar with it..I watched a bootleg a few years ago randomly and can't remember why. Otherwise I wouldn't know about it either. I don't even remember it that much except for the basic plot and some songs which I liked. it's the same composers of Cabaret and Chicago..Kander and Ebb, and has a similar vibe to those shows. Just like a show within a show vibes if you know what I mean and what's a fantasy and what's reality and that's why I said it could make a good movie, cuz Chicago did a similar thing in the movie.

Ooh I don't really make playlists and it's hard to know what to recommend to people but I would love that if you wanted to make a playlist for me! That sounds lovely. The songs I recommended to you before were more like rock so I wasn't sure if you would like it honestly. I could totally give you my favorite Paramore songs if you want but would also recommend all of their songs cuz listening to music is so subjective. I also recommend Hayley's solo music! She put out two albums in less than a year like Taylor did with Folklore and Evermore and they have a slower sad vibe that's also similar, but different than Paramore I guess and the lyrics are so good.

Sometimes I find live albums pretty distracting honestly if it includes the crowd but I love live performances recordings if it's like acoustic or stripped down so I would love it for the surprise songs. Like Lover live in Paris was good and Folklore long pond so I guess I wouldn't mind it. I think she released a few live versions right before Speak Now TV came out so it's a possibility.

Evermore is amazing to me..mostly the song but also the album, and the anniversary is today! So what are your favorites? Least Favorites or had to grow on you and do you like it more than Folklore? I think Evermore is hard for me cuz I don't have a lot of favorites on the album but my favorite song is on the album lol and I think its good combined with Folklore. What do you think? Also I see you have been able to get back into reading and enjoyed a few reads which is good. I still don't have time right now but I will continue my Night Circus read in January. I also hope you are resting and continue to feel better!!!

helloooo my dear friend! and OH that makes sense! i'm glad it made you laugh :) my voice keeps coming in and out, and i definitely have this like, you know how people sound when they're sick like kinda scratchy deeper voice? that's kind of how i sound. and of course this last month is when all my neighbors have decided they want to be my best friend and talk to me! and yes! i think my mom and i are doing lunch with my uncle on my birthday, and then i'm going to a hockey game that evening! this is the first year in a long time where i'm not celebrating my birthday by going to see a show (covid aside), so it feels very odd! i have literally no plans! to see any musicals! anytime soon! and that just feels SO very weird to me.

if it makes you feel any better, my ex-ex-boss (boss two jobs ago) drank SO much diet coke — i don't think i ever saw her drink water — so you could always be worse! almost all of my friends love soda, so i'm definitely the odd one out in my friend group! i do love a good lemonade though, and i will occasionally drink a hot choc when it's cold out!

it's funny you bring up bootlegs because i've had two different bootlegs downloaded on my computer to watch at some point for ... the last couple of months now? i hate having things on my desktop because i don't like the clutter so i've been keeping it there to incentivize myself to watch them but ... nope! haven't touched it! haven't even opened it to see if the sound works or anything! but i've got a few crafty projects i want to work on before the year's over, so maybe one of these nights i'll put a bootleg on and try to work on some crafts! i love things that are like [media] within a [media] — it's why i love the starless sea so much, and also the pippin revival! did we ever talk about schmigadoon/schmicago? i still haven't seen that either, but it seems to be that same format! ugh i really need to be better at watching tv / movies in 2024!

i would love to know your favorites! i'll work on the playlist sometime soon and then make my way through it :") i'm excited! i don't listen to a lot of rock — did i tell you i'm seeing fall out boy in the spring? so i do have to learn their music too! i didn't know hayley had her own solo music!! i'll have to add that to the playlist as well! i've been seeing the recent paramore anniversary vinyls on twitter and they're SO pretty!!! i'm always a sucker for a pretty vinyl (not that i have the space for more, nor should i get more — i say, as i have a bunch of vinyls coming)

i loveeeeed lover live from paris! i have the vinyl for it too but i'm too scared to spin it haha. i wish she did an evermore long pond, but i also think it'd be fun if she did a midnights long pond. i find that i tend to prefer the acoustic version of songs over the original, for some reason! just something about the stripped back version of things, i think.

happy (belated) evermore birthday! i think my favorites are: right where you left me, marjorie, and coney island, but i do very much love cowboy like me, evermore, tolerate it, gold rush, etc. the one song i always, always, always skip when i'm in the car is no body no crime — the sirens freak me out! ( i also live very close to a fire station ). do you prefer folklore more or evermore? i think cohesively i prefer evermore more, but i like my favorites on folklore a lot more than i do my favorites on evermore (save for marjorie). maybe i like folklore more, actually. i'm not sure, haha. what are your evermore favorites and folklore favorites?

and no worries at all, friend! i know you're busy! excited to hear your night circus thoughts when you get around to reading it 🤍

#post: answered #🩷 anon

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lolosrollercoaster · 1 year ago

Text

Grief is fcking weird.

TW: DEATH, GRIEF, MENTAL HEALTH ETC (take all the TW and run away from this now, I rambled and went to it all and the last thing I want is for this to trigger someone. I only wrote this to express myself not to hurt anyone with my pain). Welp. Let me just start this off by saying - If anyone ever finds this - It's 7:51am and I haven't slept a wink... it's also the 1yr anniversary of the death of my favourite person... which is probably why I haven't slept a wink. So if this gets super incoherent then let it - because I just need to ramble for a moment. I tend to prefer creative writing to this blog/letter/diary type of style, and man is that probably why I suck at dealing with certain things (read: most things). In fact its probably one of the reasons why I've been so fucking frozen in time for almost 3 years, guess all the years of overthinking amplified and brought things to a complete halt. so yup - I've been completely stuck. And there hasn't been enough media, enough imagination or creativity etc to get me to do anything. Was it the pandemic? was it my penchant for overindulgence in all of it that finally stopped working as a coping mechanism and became one of the beams that now holds me down joining the rest of my collapsed psyche that now pin me to the ground? honestly who knows - but maybe I'll address that in another post- because today is about one issue, and that is GRIEF. what a fun little word - and yet so bad at encompassing what it can mean. I mean I feel like we're honestly just starting to get each other despite the fact that I think I've had it in my bag all these years. And man can it mean so much even in the same context if it's with different people? like you think you know what to expect but really (trust me) you don't. I feel like it should be in the human starter kit - the manual - that you absolutely don't know anyone until you've seen them grieve...or even worse- had to grieve alongside them. Like the fact that you never have felt closer yet farther from those people that share this common loss. Oof - if you had told me the whole "anger" part could mean "you're never speaking to this B*tch again" and part of it is mostly because you're angry on the behalf of someone who is already gone or because they made you bring that negative energy to them during their last few hours? I would've thought you were exaggerating. But nope - here I am, 365 days later still thinking - ONE DAY - I will let this person know how fucked up they are- but not today - because the person who died was my abuelita, and the b*tch is my tia - and honestly I can just see my abuelita being mad at me for being mad at my tia. Actually that's a lie - my abuelita could hold grudges when necessary, but she never got mad at me - I think she'd be more disappointed which is somehow worse. But see, anger, grief, rage? they make no sense. Because here I am still pissed af at my tia, a whole year later, and still I haven't called her a b*tch to her face - because my dead abuelita wouldn't like it if I said it. Even if she was actually being a b*tch ( that being said I'm human - so of course I've vented to everyone I know and gotten reassured) and everything she did prior to my abuelita's passing was cruel, stupid, wrong, and absolutely not ok (glad I can at least say that with certainty).

But anyways - Grief is cruel - and aloof, and odd. Grief has pulled me further from my mom than closer to her. More resentful. And it's funny because it's like it's brought out every quality I know my Abuelita would not want out of me. Honestly I might be in my villain era (or at least it feels that way - since I've decided to be strong and set boundaries - and enforced them... in a family where boundaries are non-existent... I might as well be).

But see the grief of her death came at me at the worst possible time. I know, come on universe? can't you check my calendar before you set me up for another one of these eternal redirections/world flipping moment/life "lessons" - and can we please discuss a maximum quota per decade? or at this point per year? I don't think I have the bandwidth for anything else at this point. (please don't take me typing that as a taunt or invitation! I'm good, I swear!)

You see, for some reason I guess the universe decided 2022 ( a year of my favourite numbers) was meant to be my most tested year yet - so much so that it started off with a serious accident for my dad, which happened on the day I was home after quitting the job from hell, on the first month of the year and didn't truly let up from there. By the 3rd week of 2022 I was catatonic - see, I guess 2 can play at that game and my brain+body+soul all collectively decided I needed a time out... so I just clocked out. for a month (?) I still cant tell you. but I guess I had what y'all call a little mental/nervous breakdown? ... anyways by march I was talking again, so I guess that's good - I mean at least basic communication, I wouldn't say I was out in the world, nope that took some more therapy, and A LOT of convincing from pretty much anyone who could try. And of course, given that I was bed bound, and not actively taking care of myself everything afterwards felt pretty much exactly how you'd expect it. Which was incredibly demoralizing - feeling like a zombie, unsure as to why you're alive to find that what little you appreciated about yourself is also not in shape atm - had to cut off all my hair, so that was fun... then more little issues came up, dental problems, and health problems, etc. Oh and on top of it all I had finally caved and filled one of those little mental health assessments (obviously had to lol I had stopped functioning- that was probably not a good indicator). And that led to seeing how much stigma still exists in the medical field for patients. Truly loved that. (I've worked on my mental heath for years but never fully put it all on "paper" fearing the stigma. preferring to have it be known but not written down for fear of how it could affect me - and unfortunately not even 6months later I got to experience it - gotta say it was also lk just the full meal: super fun & humiliating, y'know? even worse than what my overthinking brain had dreamt up so 11/10! great job to all involved!) But anyways, grief! that was also something I gained from my mental breakdown! who would've thought! ... definitely not me!

so anyways, I'm unemployed, living @ my parents house - parent's who definitely don't know how to deal with my mental health, they didn't know for the first decade, maybe its too much for me to expect them to know now going into the 2nd one 🤣 but yeah - idk they somehow kept me alive and here, so they definitely did something right. I gotta give props there! this is one crisis they didn't purposely start and stuck through to the end and provided what I actually needed at the time so 🎉 ( I know I sound like an asshole, but this whole mental breakdown and previous # of mental shithole years have provided me with an insane amount of introspection and reflection on my childhood which... surprisingly 🙄... didn't give me less to be angry about but more 🎉 I'm still unraveling it all, but I've definitely got enough content to keep a therapist employed for a while.) WHICH is a fun next point... access to mental health services ... why is is so fucking hard? man also so expensive when you're employed, even if you live in a country with "universal healthcare". The therapist my mom helped me get with (yay mom!) was with a service that didn't charge me too much, based on a sliding scale, and well I was unemployed and mentally broken, so income was low (thanks for 2021 Lolo for keeping some savings) so at least I could afford it ish but it turns out they worked based on "goals" and my goal in March was to get up from my bed... and hopefully make it outside my room, then eventually outside my door to actually breathe non-recycled air... maybe actually see some other human beings outside of the ones that live with me (or see them more often at least!) eventually be sort of a functioning human again.

And then my teeth got fucked and my abuelita was sick all at once - and my family is not in this country, so we thought ok - lets fly home (10+hrs air journey)... and also lets bring my 13yr old pupper - because my abuelita loved her, and this might be her last chance to go home and see that fam. Also she has separation anxiety and all 3 of us were going (yeah I'm also an only child, unless you count the pupper as my sibling, which sometimes we do). So anyways - here we go - Four anxiety ridden overthinkers on a sad journey to see their fam - it was as insane as it probably sounds - my mom thinking about her mom, in denial of the situation, and also forgetting she had promised to take responsibility for the puppers, me trying not to break down again bc ppl, airports, anxious/stressful parents who always freak out during travel and turn to you for calmness but now you're the stressed one - overwhelmed pup bc its a long ass air journey and she doesn't love being confined to a carrier and would rather be on our laps or roaming the cabin.... yup. Also I needed a root canal - so I was in PAIN. But my tia is in dentistry and it would be a much better job + price back home anyways so it was worth the craziness.

And then I got home - and I saw her. And I lost it. And my dad lost it and that's also when I knew ok well we're fucked. Because my mom is the one that had kept it together this year - she was the one who had to care for us and now it was her rock who was about to leave her. But my mom was in DENIAL. See my mom believes in miracles, but to the point where she expects them to happen regardless of reality and if there's one thing she was never going to do was give up hope in this particular case. But that also meant we had absolutely no idea how it would hit her once it happened - and as much as my abuelita and my mom taught me to believe in miracles, I unfortunately couldn't see one here. See life beat me into becoming a realist, and I worked in healthcare for a while too so there was only so much my brain would allow me to deny or have any type of hope.

Hell, I thought I would be able to handle it better because I'd seen death now more than once. But nothing prepares you to loose your favourite person, specially not when they're suffering and slowly withering away. And I think that's what pisses me off the most still. I held the hands of strangers, I sat with them through their worst times, their last few days. But from the moment I saw her - I knew I couldn't. And in some act of bravery, or dumbfuckery - I did it again - I talked my brain into compartmentalizing it, into rationalizing it, into ensuring I would be present for her. I don't regret that, don't get me wrong - I would hate myself more if I had walked away that first day and never gone back. But in shutting myself off from my feelings regarding it - in minimizing it - because I just told myself "how could I do this for strangers and not for her?" I shut myself down emotionally enough to survive it, but I think it might come back to kill me later.

You see, I make myself useful - because I was taught that's what I should do. so I did. I helped wherever I could, I drew knowledge when I needed it from people who had it, I became the voice of reason when necessary. I organized and learned all I could about what she was going through, I researched what it could all mean. That was the hardest- knowing she was like this because she fell through the cracks of a broken healthcare system. I helped by learning and arming myself with what I could to fight for her, to do what I could to make things better, or less painful for her if possible. But it still didn't feel like enough (and yet it all felt like way more than too much). And then we finally had to bring her into a facility - you see my grandfather was also a victim of the healthcare system - in his case a mistaken dose of a medication not meant for him meant instead of going home that day... he went to a funeral home instead. So of course my family, my mom, my abuelita all feared ending up in a situation like that again. She never wanted to die in a hospital, but even in her pain I think she did it because she didn't want us to deal with what it would entail for her to die at home. So she agreed and asked to be taken to the hospital. And to make it about me again - "everything happens for a reason" is a sentence I hope to never hear again because what do you mean the one they sent us to was the one I was born in (not the usual hospital she would've been sent to, but that one was too full so they sent us to my birthplace) and in that same building 48hrs later after being admitted almost to the minute - she took her last breath ....( just 2months and 1 day before my 26th birthday) So 25yrs, and 10 months after I took my first one in that same building. I now know 2 dates/events to the minute.

my birth and her death.

I'm not angry about that - I'm just confused but not mad - I just still don't understand the meaning of it all if it is supposed to have one. I do remember the last ~14hrs of her life. Since I was the one who was by her side for most of them. So much for that schedule I made (she needed to have someone with her at all times), some would've thought I made it on purpose to get her all to myself one last time. And I don't think I regret a single minute of it -even if it was one of the most painful nights of my life. if not THE most painful. I remember my mom coming to take over and my abuelita looking like she was doing better - like she was giving me permission to go - but I didn't, because I still had stuff to do, I was doing some paperwork for her, and then trying to get an extra visiting pass for my cousin, and then, and then... and then... I found the chapel - by chance, took a wrong turn ended up in that hallway. (you should know, my abuelita was one devoted woman, and the only reason I still had some faith in all of that - but she never pushed, she wasn't a fanatic, she just had true pure faith and it was so pure she did witness miracles and had them happen to her and around her and all of us.) And I sat down and I prayed. I hadn't done that in years. but I did - and I just said one thing: "if its her time, and that time is now - then don't let me or my connection to this hospital be what holds her here. I don't want to be the reason she suffers, I don't want to be what's holding her here if it's her time. I'll figure it out, I'll deal with it all, just please don't let her suffer any more. She doesn't deserve that" And 30 min later she was gone.

My mom held her hand in the end. I saw her face because of course I had to come back for something I forgot and I walked in as she was taking what I now know were her last breaths. I didn't run to her - I'd said my goodbyes in a way when I switched with my mom - I ran to switch with my cousin who was outside so she could go in and say hers.

she didn't make it.

I barely walked the 5 steps outside to my dog's carrier (who was there waiting for me as we exchanged) before my mom called only saying"she's gone" and I dropped.

if you asked me what happened after that I'd tell you flashes of it. I wailed. my dog wailed. I still feel guilty for that - she saw me drop and probably thought I'd been shot or something.

** Oh yeah I forgot to mention we had to extend our trip but my dad couldn't stay bc of work so he had to go home, and it was now just my mom, my dog and I (with the rest of our extended family of course). I eventually managed to start calling ppl - because right - we're the ones that know. my phone was at 16% and dying fast. I'd forgotten to charge it the night before, more focused on her care and not messing any of it up. I remember calling my cuz and just wailing "she's dead" then "sorry gotta hang up and call the others, my phone is at 15%" before hanging up. Still glad she doesn't hate me for that.

my dog stopped breathing and her tongue went purple/blue for a second on the taxi back to her home. we don't know what it was - grief, anxiety, the hand sanitizer my baby cousin was sniffing to keep from throwing up. it was only a second but my life flashed before my eyes again and I somehow got her back with some type of crazy cpr. My mom only found this out a few days ago - she was in the hospital with the body arranging it all. I helped pick out an outfit for her to be put into.

I helped my 19yr old cousin who lives where we live get plane tickets and helped her break the news to her mom (my tia) who was on holiday in Europe... they were supposed to come see her on Oct 4th, but they didn't make it in time. I heard their flight home kept getting delayed and she passed out in the airport.

I had nothing to wear - not that it mattered -but at one point they offered I could wear a set of her shoes and it kinda felt wrong - like why would I wear her own shoes to her funeral. it just felt wrong.

her funeral turned into 4 days of viewing - waiting for my poor cousin and tia to arrive because we couldn't get them there any faster. I don't know if it made it easer or harder to delay it. I stopped sleeping the moment she went into the hospital and didn't start again until ....still unsure. maybe a week after? when exhaustion took me out. I helped organize the funeral, deal with them trying to overcharge us, informing ppl, etc. I even managed to get her interred where she wanted her final resting place to be before our flight back (which when we'd managed to push it we'd changed our return date to Oct 15). I pushed to make it happen so my mom and I could leave knowing she was finally where she had to be. I stopped crying maybe 2 days after she died? ... I only cried 3 more times after. one being when I was a pallbearer.

My mom went... I want to say insane but that feels mean. She definitely did not handle it well, and absolutely pissed ppl off, also said some horrible things that she didn't take back - and hasn't taken back to this day.

I can't say how I was, but I do know I wasn't that bad? I think I spent more time ensuring my relatives saw me as an adult and separate from her so I wouldn't loose relationships than I did trying to offend ppl for no reason, so that was a win. and as far as I know I haven't been blocked by anyone yet - so clearly I did something ok.

I wish my dad could've come but with his health scares + being 70 + having done the journey there and back already it kinda made sense as to why he couldn't - rationally I know that. Irrationally I'm still mad I was left to deal with my mom on my own.

we got back and halloween no longer felt joyous (it was my favourite holiday). I still dressed up for her because she loved that. Apparently she always told my baby cousin that Aurora from tangled reminded her of me so I dressed up as her and watched the movie again and cried it out with my parents.

My dog survived the journey home and actually is now more of a fan of airplanes - we survived somehow.

(my biggest fear was my abuelita and dog dying at the same time, leading to my mom either dying or breaking down like I did and then me having to deal with it all on my own practically. I was sure I would not survive that.)

I tried to talk to the therapist I'd been seeing, he told me I had to reapply to the program... because its goal based, and when he took me on the goal was to get up from bed and leave my house. which I had. Grief however was a different goal and I had run out of appointments for this session set.

I stopped going to therapy.

**somewhere around here was when I had my first stigma filled experience with a GP I went to for a health problem I had. My birthday sucked. despite a bit of a time difference - my abuelita was always the first call I'd get that day. I didn't have enough time to prepare for that one since it happened so soon after. I decided to make my birthday nonexistent. I felt I had nothing to be thankful for and I definitely had nothing to celebrate. I didn't even feel like myself.

I got a job, it was supposed to be a good one. I was excited. I would start it in the new year.

Christmas - sucked. It is(was?) my mom and abuelita's favourite holiday. Not last year. We didn't even put up a tree.

New Years Eve felt like more lk YOUR YEARS GRIEF. I rang in 2023 half conscious as the absolute train wreck of a year finally hit me - and I could not stop crying or being angry or passing out from crying so hard then waking up again to be annoyed again.

And that's when it hit me I had two types of grief.

I'd completely lost myself.

and

I'd lost my true North Star.

see the one thing that questionable therapist got right was that I'd become such terrible people pleaser my entire identity crisis was happening because of it and it had helped push me into that freaking mental breakdown. I had no sense of self bc I would make myself whatever or whoever I needed to be to fit into where I needed to fit. so much so that now I had no idea what part of any of it was actually me and what was just me adapting to survive.

fun, eh?

And then my favourite person, the centre of the most joyful perfect memory in my mind - died. aka the unthinkable.

And now here I am 365 days later - with a fuckton of unfelt grief because I just COMPARTMENTALIZED IT LIKE A PRO. To a concerning degree according to just about everyone who knows me or asks about it. I mean I can't talk about it, or her. I can't read things about grandparents, or death, I definitely have almost broken down at seeing numbers like 82 (her age) anywhere. But nope, I somehow kick it back - shut it down. it almost feels like when you're about to sneeze and then you just don't? y'know that feeling? that's the closest I can compare it to. My eyes start to fill with tears and then suddenly they're dry as a desert and <I'M FINE> (read that like Ross in that one scene in friends). Anyways what's happened in the rest of those 365 days? had a job, left a job (toxic environment - so yay!) put some of that money in savings, spent the other. fought a lot with my mom. Went home by myself this time - took cuz who's my fav adult and also the one who took care of my abuelita all throughout that last year on a much deserved vacay with the liquidated vacation days I got *thank god for our birth country's currency being devalued. I feel terrible about it for my people but since I don't live there it makes it easier to do things like that one - visited Abuelita for Mother's Day. didn't cry. So clearly still repressed af.

but what's new.

Saw Beyonce at the Renaissance Tour with my friends- of course we got tickets back in February so I only realized months later that it was on my abuelita's birthday - but hey - Virgo's groove almost got me to cry in her honour since Bey asked all her Virgo's to get up and dance.

Saw a couple of plays. (Mom got a volunteer gig there and can get me tickets, also she thinks it's a bonding thing. it is kind of fun as long as it's not forced.)

Tried to challenge myself to reading 200 books - pretty sure I've only read 3 so far. BUT I'm trying and that's what matters, right?

also there's a fucking recession apparently? and finding a job is SO FUCKING HARD. that I'm spiralling harder than before. it's been fun - I'm so unmotivated and idk how to fix it. I'm back to hermiting tbh. Also my financial anxiety is at an ALL TIME HIGH. because I only calculated to have fun off work for a couple of months, and it's been more than that - I was so hopeful that I'd get a new job a lot quicker than I did.

Also for another healthy form of *🤡DEALING🤡* we're about to go to Cirque du Soleil with my parents- because we couldn't get tickets for another date (quite literally. these were the only left and we got a special deal with my parents' job). and isn't that funny? or fun. Y'know back when I had lk hopes and dreams, and I was a naive little girl I used to have these ridiculously grand ideas ahah like having acrobats at my wedding ... and that was when I'd only heard about cirque du Soleil which I'm actually only seeing for the first time today. But I don't think I ever thought "HEY- here's a thought - lets watch them for a deathaversary instead since you're so into the dark side nowadays"

But y'know what? I'm just going with the flow at this point.

Because apparently that's grief. And that's life. And that's the universe.

anyways if anyone has a treatment for repression - I'll take it - because this constipation of feelings has me down bad.

also pls pray for your girl to find a job. Her mental health is in the shitter bc living at home is not ideal when they're part of the reason you got shit mental health.

I pray to one day be a mentally healthy individual and actually maybe hopefully have a healthy (or as healthy looking as possible) relationship with my mother. and maybe even my father . but that shit aint happening with all of us under the same roof. that's just a fact. Despite how bad the real estate market is out there, in this case braving it is a life saving measure.

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ceresprime · 2 years ago

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Hello there!

I’m in the UK and apart of my county’s only regiment. Historically speaking. It’s rather funny but regardless - I was talking with the sergeant about joining up myself (having a ton of experience with Napoleonic drills and weaponry+combat, etc) and he said that sure, of course. There’s only one woman (she uses horse hair mutton chops and glues em, very cool imo) as one of the men and the sergeant mentioned that a lot of other HRA groups are very strict about having women join as enlisted soldiers. As I mentioned, we’re quite tiny and the only regiment in the county. Seems you do a lot more high scale type stuff, very well known wars and battles. Does that same rule apply over there? I’d imagine it to be quite strict, but I was just curious. Cheers!

Women in Reenacting

The rules here are sometimes just as strict--historical reenacting is a white male dominated hobby. Some organizations that coordinate separate groups still don't allow women to join the ranks as male soldiers (on paper at least). It really depends on the individual group and is often safest\* to join one with other women.

I find that if you do the work with the right people and do your homework (i.e. research the history of the people you portray, what they did and how they looked), you'll be just fine.

I'm glad you found a group that you can join, have fun!!

Appearance

Like you mentioned, you have to make sure you're portraying a man properly. I'm lucky to not have to worry about facial hair since generally men were cleanshaven in the American War of Independence, so I wish you luck with the mutton chops! Do your best to look more manly, even something as silly as tucking in your shirt more to the front of your pants, or manspreading rather than crossing your legs when you sit. I style my hair the same way as the men who wear wigs, in a late 18th century club. (I've been wanting to chop all of my hair off, but I'm refraining until after the 250th anniversary events to be most accurate.)

On the aspect of uniform, since you're portraying the Napoleonic Wars, you'll have a bit less gear but still quite a lot. (This might be TMI, bear with me.) I highly suggest planning bathroom breaks between formations/battles/etc so you can go without crossbelts, cap, or coat. As someone who's dunked their bayonet scabbard in the toilet, trust me, you'd rather have less gear to deal with.

I also tend to try lowering my voice when yelling "huzzay" during bayonet charges and the like. From a distance during a battle, the public generally can't tell male from female since you're all wearing the same uniform.

Social Things

When interacting with the public, be prepared for lots of condescending "well there weren't actually women soldiers, were there?" but also be prepared for the cute little girls who run up to you in a parking lot asking "is it okay that you're a girl? can I do that too?". I like to answer these questions the same way: play along with the scenario. I always react with surprise as if no one else can see that I'm a woman and tell them not to tell my officers. I like to pretend that I play the role of Hannah Snell or Deborah Sampson or (fictional) Louisa Baker, and use this as an opportunity to tell their stories. But don't forget to add something about women who portray women, i.e., camp followers being sutlers and soldiers' wives. (I can elaborate on this topic in another post.)

There's a great interview from a woman in my RA unit here if you'd like to hear another perspective.

I appreciate this ask, although I've attempted to make my online presence as boyish as possible so I guess I've failed in that lol. I'd really prefer if I personally could be seen as a "none of the above" gender, but no matter how I dress I will inevitably be seen as female which brings its own problems.

\*These problems being safety. As a young person who looks clearly female, it's simply more likely for sketchy people (reenactors or the public) to pick me out. I'd like to think everyone is good, but it's simply not the case. This is why women tend to join units with other women, especially at overnight events where alcohol is involved. I do not want to scare you. I am telling you to 1. find a good group who will look out for you and 2. be aware of your surroundings (if a guy gives you bad vibes, leave and find your people).

TL;DR Try to appear like a man but be aware that you are a woman: use this to educate the public but also be safe!

#im going to add to this later to talk about women's roles in the late 18th century military historically #reenacting #history #military history #american revolution #napoleonic wars #women #advice

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noahstayed · 3 years ago

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Sorry if you've already answered these questions but I still want to ask them so...

1) Are you going to make another book after Earthshine?

(If the answer is yes; (and you don't have to answer this one,) Are you going to do a time skip or will you go the 'the condom broke'?)

2) Will Edward have a mate (If yes; will you create an OC or simply pluck a character from the twilight saga archives are revamp them?)

3) If you do make a version of Breaking Dawn, will it have the same premise (Ie. Wedding, Honeymoon, (I typed hUMANmoon and then corrected it, don't know why my fingers went there.) surprise pregnancy (or not? Because Carlisle is a DOCTOR) turning, then the Volturi going all "We must kill the child!"?)

4) With regards to question three, in the (honestly, and sadly, unlikely) ( completely forgot what word I was going to type, and It as too much trouble to type that so I'm just going to use another word that won't flow as well) situation (I'm so unhappy with this word, my stomach is turning something fierce, man.) that you DO go the standard "with the other book as a very, very, loose guideline) Would you go the route of OYH or would make an entirely new plot?

Also, if you do go with the same general outline, (which is unlikely since Irina isn't with Laurant in newmoon but with Charlie, so there's no bitter feelings and she won't immediately go to the kings before she's heard Carlisle's explanation.) How would you make that work?

5) I know you said that if you do make a fourth book you would just use the dhampire from OYH, Elisha, does that still reign true? Or are you planning to make a new character entirely?

6) If you do make a fourth, and go the OYH route, would you still make Elisha Emse's mate, like in OYH? Or will you go with Garette?

7) Also, since you have previously made an ff about Garette and Bella having a brother-sister type friendship would we see that and get to see Garette claim her as his sister and charlie as his father, and everyone goes along with it? (Honestly, I REALLY want this to happen, especially since I've spent the last hour scrolling through your tumbler and stumbled upon the 'I'm older than my father' post.)

8) Really, all these questions border on the main one of "is there going to be a breaking dawn/part 4-5 (depending) in your rewrite?" but if you do, would Carlisle buy Isle Bella as a honeymoon present of would that be in the oneshots book (that you'll hopefully be writing after this is over) as like a "Have fifteenth anniversary" thing?

9) Are you going to write a book full of random one-shots you couldn't fit into your story? I REALLY HOPE SO.

enthusiastically hope so. :) (that's really a tense smile with eyes SHINING with hope. Just informing you that you'll be crushing my heart. Brutally. With a stake. No pressure :) )

10) If you don't write the fourth book will we get an epilogue with the wedding five years later? Like, with Bella being SUPER nervous?

And finally, 11) (I really want a war to showcase Bella's awesome vampire powers (because you've stated (in a previous Tumblr post) that you'd give Bella her BAMF!Bella OYH powers)) So if there's a part four, even though the Volturi is "lawful" and like, has a brain, in your series, can they like have a brain fart where they go. "He's making an army," Or just straight up CANNON!Aro with his need for power be like "It's an immortal child, and it needs to be destroyed." But really be thinking, "They're growing too large, already their numbers rival our own, they must be put down! This is the perfect time!" Like the (cowardly) power-hungry and villainess we all know and love. Kinda.

I have other questions but those can really wait lol.

I basically want breaking dawn and the third (Do you count Charlie's book as part of Bella's story or as a stand-alone since you weren't really progressing the plot very much (also a very good way to have a time skip in your main)?) isn't even done yet.

I don't know if you can tell, but I've been reading this series for three days straight (new fan!) and just started your OYH series and I'm just filled with a desire right now. Like, I typically hate sex scenes in a twilight book (but that's because I was a child when these movies came out (saw them all in theatre!) and still was when I read the books, so Bella is SACRED lol, and It just makes me uncomfortable to imagine her in those positions (it's like a trauma okay?) but I really enjoyed your stories (even if I basically glossed over your sex scenes and read through them quickly) and could actually sit through your sex scenes (mostly, because it wasn't INTENSE! Like, a lot of rewrites turn breaking dawn into literal Porn and sully the books for me because they basically remove a lot of plot to make room for Bella's sudden appetite, and while, yes, you gave her an appetite and... I am just really enjoying your stories and how you write so Thank You.

Okay, I've let you know your appreciated and put out my question into the tumblr universe so now I just have to wait for you to see this and maybe respond.

I hate waiting.

I haven't gotten an ask in a while and AJKHFJKHD Listen!! THE FACE I MADE AT HOW LONG THIS IS??? Superb!! I'm honored you've taken the time to write this all out so I'm gonna try to answer you as best as I can!!

Right now I'm 100% sure that there will be a couple of Novellas/Novelettes directly after Earthshine. The Renee Story, the Charlie Story, and the Roommate Story which all will get maybe 40k and mini plots that are far more focused than Charlie's first story. Charlie's new story will be focused on his relationship with Carlisle too, so that should be fun!

Edward having a Mate is still up in the air at the moment. Since he is still very young, I don't see the need to really give him someone so quick when other characters have waited WAAAY longer. As for who it might be, that's also still up in the air in case I want to do a short story with him that's a part of a series of Novellas after the main books

If I do make a BD rewrite IT WILL have wedding/honeymoon/surprise pregnancy then it will PRETTY MUCH go off the rails from there because the Pregnancy will be VASTLY different. Carlisle is a Doctor and Bella isn't an idiot. They won't be in Washington either.

Again. The first half will be loosely based on the book and then just go completely off the rails because, Like you said, the Volturi have brains and I LOATHE an 'idiot' plot where people are required to suddenly become stupid for the story to work. As for the OYH route, I will be borrowing a couple elements from OYH but the conflict will be very different.

Elisha is baby and there's no way I could make another Dhampir at this point. Not with how much I love him.

The aging process will work differently in this fic for Dhampirs, so this question is irrelevant since Elisha will be a child for the entire fourth book. As for when he's older, Its still up in the air for this series. He deserves to be baby and I very much dislike the trope of age faster = mentally develop faster because that's BS.

We'll see, I love Bella and Garrett, but there's A LOT I'll have to cram into the last book so we'll just see.

As much as I'd love to answer this, I'm covering the honeymoon in the fourth book so you'll see what happens in there ; )

I HAVE PLANS for random one shots. I REALLY DO. I just has so little time to work on the main story so I might write some when Earthshine is done! I have a name for the one-shot collection already too and some Ideas!

I very much plan to write the fourth book you'll be fine. Bella will not be nervous, she'll be WAY more anxious about it going right. Mostly her nerves will be from anticipation and excitement because she'll be 23 and be very secure in her forever with Carlisle.

There will be a fight in book four that will not have the Volturi turning stupid. Don't worry about how.

Charlies little story is a Novella so I don't count it as a book.... GOD hearing you plowed through the series in so short a time is MIND boggling. I get people telling me this occasionally and I NEVER stop being amazed by it!

As for the sex scenes, yeah, I didn't want this to be erotic literature. I frequently scream that 'THIS ISN'T A SMUT BOOK' because them having sex is just a normal healthy thing that happens in relationships and wanted to show that. The sex scenes I write tend to be glossed over anyways so I'm glad it was readable for you. I get feeling frustrated and wanting more plot, but there are plenty of people who prefer the very explicit smut.

If sex scenes aren't your cup of tea, that's fine. I don't view Bella as pure and innocent though. It teeters dangerously on the Madonna/Whore dichotomy to act like she is. I get wanting to preserve the innocence of your childhood through her. That's not me though. Bella/Carlisle's relationship is highly sexual in nature within SoG and that's ALRIGHT too!

Thanks for the super long ask!!! it was great to read and fun to respond to!

#asked and answered #acadiatclements #long post #Sound of Grey Series #SoG #NoahStayed Writes #Bella x Carlisle #Carlisle x Bella #Bellisle

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samshogwarts · 4 years ago

Text

My review of 2020

Or: I say thank you.

First of all, sorry for the long post 😅. You guys know I don'tike long posts without a "read more under the line". But I nade the post with my mobile phone.... Aaaaaaaanyway. Also sorry for all the tags. I hope I don't annoyed someone with it <~<. So let's continue:

I think this year has been a particularly difficult year for everyone. As 2020 is drawing to a close, I mentally let the year pass again.

The bottom line is that I have to say that 2020 was turbulent for me, but not necessarily bad. Much good, but also bad, has happened. And I want to start with the bad things right away.

At the beginning of the year, my depression and eating disorder relapsed. I've always had trouble talking about it because I know my friends can't handle this issue. I felt pressured because they wanted to do things with me, but I couldn't. So I withdrew completely, hiding my emotions and wearing a mask.

At that time I created this blog. At first I didn't want to create my own content, just follow the content of @ladycibia, @hogwartsmystory and @kyril-hphm. Incidentally, that is also the reason why I call these 3 blogs the Big Three. So it's their fault that I'm here. Lol.

And then the first Hyops message came at the end of March. A very good friend of mine got Corvid-19 and lost the battle against the disease a few days later. I still remember how the news pulled the floor from under my feet. It feels like I completely lost faith in everything and I started to realize how dangerous this year could be.

But life goes on and so I visited a friend and her family in early July. It was the anniversary of her husband's death, who was also a very good friend of mine. He died of cancer last year and I couldn't go to his funeral. So I wanted to stop by on the day he died. I actually thought I could do it. But when you read a friend's name on a tombstone for the first time.. Guys, that's a punch in the stomach like no other and I can't really describe how it feels. I had made up my mind not to cry in front of his wife or children because it was hard enough for them. Didn't work.

And of course this year meant to go one better.

Another friend of mine died of the virus in mid-August, leaving behind a wife and a child. Again, I was unable to attend the funeral. And to be honest, it still bothers me way more I want to admit. In two years I lost three wonderful people who meant a lot to me and I couldn't say goodbye to any of them. When I see the three of them again after my death, you can be sure I'll kick their butts for it.

But August was the worst month for me in many ways. In addition to the death of my buddy, my father's family also volunteered. And that means only one thing - trouble. And properly. I haven't had contact with this family for over 12 years for good reason. Now one person from this family has passed away. And first of all, I don't really care if anyone of them would die. I don't even know the person who passed away. But I wasn't told either by my grandmother or my father. So my deadline to cancel the inheritance has expired. Of course it was debts. You have to know that the inheritance rights of my country are very complicated. The reason my father or grandmother didn't tell me about it was because they didn't want to bother with the paperwork. They always had the opportunity to contact me via Facebook or my half-sister. But that would mean work for them. And while I was walking from lawyer to lawyer to court to court, I was allowed to hear sayings from my grandmother that I apparently have achieved nothing in my life. Nice to know that some people never change. I'm still struggling with this matter to this day and will probably not be able to fully clarify this until the beginning of 2021.

At the end of October everything seemed to be taking its revenge and I passed out at a friend's house. Nobody knows exactly what happened until today, but my friend took me to the hospital where I had to stay one night. That was Halloween. And I'm such a big fan of hospitals hahahaha hahahaha. After that I was allowed to wear an ECG for 2 weeks and it turned out that my heart values had deteriorated. Why not. Let's just take everything with us this year!

Rounding out the negatives this year was my (as a teenager) best friend's suicide. I have to say that I haven't had any contact with this person for 9 years. However, it is the one who cut herself in her youth and then called me afterwards because she didn't know what to do. It was also the one I tried to get into therapy for 2 years. But her mother was always against it. And it was exactly this mother who was standing in my mother's shop, telling her about her daughter's suicide and that I was probably in the farewell letter. I don't know exactly what it said, but the mother now blames me for her daughter's suicide. And do you know what's craziest about the whole thing? I agreed with her! I really thought it was my fault because I knew how sick my former friend was. Yet I was the one who ended the friendship (for many reasons that had nothing to do with her depression). And I still wonder what would have happened if I had acted differently.

But enough of the negative things! A lot of nice things happened this year too. Among other things, I have found a new job within my group, earn more money and have pleasant working hours. I've renovated my apartment and I've started saving money on a new one. My two nieces are now going to school and I am a proud aunt. My male best friend and his girlfriend (my best harry potter friend) are pregnant and are expecting their first child soon and my mother's health is better.

But one of the best things that happened to me this year is this blog.

I already mentioned that I actually only created this blog to stalk the Big Three. I didn't want my own content at all. But I discovered more and more blogs and these incredibly great MCs that I thought I wanted to do whole too. And so Samantha O'Connell was born.

I received so much great support and encouragement on this platform. I don't think many people even realize how much that means to me. Especially this year.

I have also found great and lovable people here, some of whom I also call my friends. Even if we come from other countries, speak other languages and may never see each other in real life, you are my friends and I am grateful to know you.

@annabelle-tanaka-official : I'll start with you of course! XD on tumblr you are just my best friend. I don't write as much with anyone as I do with you. You are such an incredibly talented person and so warm hearted! Over the year we have invented so many insiders that soon nobody will know what we mean. Be it the monster hug, or that my cats are your spies or our many RP scenarios, which I really enjoy and which always make me laugh. I thank you for that!! I love you so much and I am so glad that we are friends! *minster hug*

@lunasilvermorny / @lunasilvermore : you are next to you !!! XD the next person I write to almost every day. What started with a little conversation about among us has turned into a friendship. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to streaming with you next year (and this year)!!! You are such a good listener that strengthens me. Your support is so nice of you too! Just the fact that you have subscribed to my YouTube channel xD (because of the language I even have an idea). I'm looking forward to the next year with you! Thank you so much for dealing with my craziness and still likes me!

@kyril-hphm : muahahahaha. You can't escape me !!! Yes, what should I say? One of my big three even made friends with me. One of my Senpais noticed me! And then it's a lovely fluffy marshmallow! I still think it's funny that we have such similar circuits and hearts! Nevertheless you are an incredibly honest, loving and talented person. I've never told you before, but sometimes I stare (for 20 minutes +) at your drawings to improve my style (just not working so far). You are an honest person and I am happy every time we talk, or when you react to my content. I would like to say thank you for that too! You are great and you can trust yourself more.

@carewyncromwell : my Chinese fireball, my Disney princess. Yes, for me you exude the aura of a Disney princess and nothing can change my mind. So! You were one of the first friends I made here on tumblr and one of the first to write with me! I still remember how proud and nervous I was back then! Just when I was in the hospital on Halloween and couldn't sleep that night, you kept texting me and distracting me from my fear. That means a lot to me. You are such a creative and lovable person too. Ah, that's just amazing. Your comments or hashtags always make me grin or laugh. Thank you for all your support and help!

@catohphm : my fluffier Ravenclaw brother!!! Of course you can't be missing either. I also write with you almost every day and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and your support. I just love the energy between Samantha and Cato. And it's always fun to write RP with you! Thank you for being such a lovely and kind person!

@mira-shard : MIRAAAAAAA! It's kind of funny how long we've basically walked next to each other without talking to each other. And now I don't want to miss you anymore! You are such a fun and happy person. Writing with you is just fun! I also love your cosplay photos. Someday I'll come to visit you, and then we'll do cosplay shootings together until the camera bleeds! I would also like to thank you for your support and your kindness.

@sirfluffig : ha. I hope you didn't think you were escaping me! Where should I start with you? Maybe that you were one of the first to give me such lovely feedback on Samantha? Or this super funny stream and that you helped me to stream in English? Or just like that, when we talk about our MCs or pen and paper. It's definitely always fun. I want to thank you for that and I'm looking forward to playing together again soon (get Among us)

@nightrhea-hphm : * run into you in slowmotion * Night! My wonderful supportive Gremlin! I've grown very fond of them over the years. And your support and feedback are just amazing. I also love the friendship between Night and Samantha. I think it's very similar to ours, right? You are also such an incredibly creative and lovable person. You make you feel like it's ok to be who you are. Thank you!

Of course there are many, many more like @rosievixen, @wangxianforever000 , @mollydarling-hphm , @morningstarinwinter , @hogwarts9, @hphm-brooke , @raymondhope-writer , @nikyiscreepy , @immagrosscandy , @mizutoyama , @ariparri-hphm and many many more.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement, support and feedback. You are the reasons why I am adding more and more details to this blog, why I dared to start with the fan comic and many more.

It's still so amazing for me to meet so many talented, creative, kind and funny people.

This year showed me again that life isn't just black or white. Life is Grey. Good things and bad things happen. Sometimes one side more than the other side. But as long we are taking the next step, life wl continues. Just keep in mind, as like you support me, I want to support you. So if you ever wanna talk, no matter what, remember you guys can always contact me.

I'm really looking forward to next year and already have so many plans. I can not wait any longer. Enjoy the last days of the year, stay safe and most important: they the way you are guys!

Love you all so much.

#My end of the year thank you #Personal #Ooc #My year 2020 #God my heart beating so fast #Don't know why but these post makes me nervous #Very personal #Cry counter while writing this: 4 #Yeah so adult xD #Like I care #Hope you all enjoyed the Christmas holidays #Love you all #Such a great community #Never saw this before #💙❤️💚💛

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dreamerandcrazy · 4 years ago

Text

Ok, so I haven't been able to comment much on my Riverdale rewatch mostly bc i'm watching it with my boyfriend and we have an agreement of no cell phones when we're watching, otherwise we can't pay proper attention to it. But I wrote down some notes about the episodes I did watch (I watched up until ep 6, which is very ironic bc apparently today is its anniversary, so yay for my perfect timing). I actually remember most of the stuff that happened in s1, so here's mostly a few things I paid more attention to or noticed about the characters and the ships, or things i'm able to look at through a different view now that i've watched all the seasons. Strap in if you want to see my notes, if not just scroll please, no ship or character hate here please. Also, feel free to ignore, this is really just a personal look in some stuff I didn't notice in my first watch.

- Betty's character used to be much happier and lighter in season 1. I know we're introduced to "Dark Betty" right in episode 3, but still, I feel like the way Lili played Betty in season 1 did not hold the same "darkness" as it does in the following seasons. The scene where she is dancing happily in her bedroom because she's going to homecoming with the boy she likes? The scene where she introduces Jughead to the Blue & Gold and gets him to work with her? Her genuine innocent happiness at seeing her sister again after so much time? The way she interacted with Kevin and Veronica? Those were all chef's kiss because she actually feels like a teenager in them. In all her girly glory, she radiates youth energy and it's a thing that was sadly lacking after s1. Btw this is not a critique at Lili's acting at all, I blame it entirely on Ras and his obsession with dark Betty.

- There's actually so many indications of Cheryl being a lgbt character in the first episodes that I have no idea how I missed it the first time. But then again, there were many indications with Veronica as well, and sadly that's not the path Ras chose for her.

- Jughead in s1 is truly so superior in so many ways that it's not hard to see why he quickly became such a fan favorite. I think even if he wasn't played by Cole Sprouse, he still would have conquered many fans' hearts. Sadly, the things that made Jughead such a loving and interesting character for me also fizzled out in s2 when the writing team decided to make him a woke serpent leader instead of allowing him to sticking to his true personality as a passionate mystery lover, a dedicated friend and very nerdy, which was very cute. I feel that we got some of that back for him in s4, which was good, but sadly s1 is where my love for him really stayed to stay. But I still care for him, and s5 has a promising storyline for him which i'm excited about, so let's see if s5 Jughead can become better than s1 Jughead.

- Going back again to Cheryl for a sec, I just noticed that the red lipstick actually wasn't that common for her in s1? At least not in the first five. I wonder when did it start becoming her trademark? Anyways, it's actually a really good look her and allows you to appreciate Madelaine's natural beauty even more.

- Also, did anybody notice how Alice lowkey figured out who killed Jason in ep 2 lmao, like... in episode two she legit says she wouldn't be surprised if the Blossoms themselves had killed Jason, which... is what happened LMAO, considering we know it was his father. And even more hilarious and tragically ironic note, in ep 6 she's laughing at Betty suggesting that Hal killed Jason because "do you think your father has the stomach for it?!"... Ma'am... i'm-.... 😂😂😂😂.

- This rewatch has reminded me of how much I adored and how I much I miss Josie and the Pussycats. The girls were such a nice addition to the cast, and their songs were so beautiful. I truly wish we get to see them again someday, but at the same time I also think the actresses deserve to be at a work place where they're given the treatment they deserve and not completely ignored and treated like extras.

- Archie/Valerie was super cute and is very underrated in the fandom, but i'm glad Valerie stood up for herself and didn't take any of Archie's or Cheryl's sh*t. Still sucks because they were really good together, though.

- Why was Jason not allowed to talk, lmao? Like, i'm sure it's become a running joke in the show at this point, but back when season one was airing what was the excuse for it? He appeared in so many flashbacks and scenes and we still never heard a single word ☠️☠️☠️☠️. I just want to know what was the reason lol.

- I liked s1 Reggie, but I feel like Charles Melton's Reggie is better because he actually feels like a douche with good intentions lol, and he has more of a personality. Most of the time I even forgot about Reggie in s1, but after s2 he definitely made me more aware of him. So for that, I like Charles Melton's Reggie more. But the actor from s1 still did a good job with what he was given.

From now on I will be talking about the ships, so bear with me, and know that I am a multishipper. Yes, I have my preferences. No, my word is not law, it's just an opinion, so please respect it.

- Bughead is still super cute in s1. I feel like from s1 they will always be my otp, even if I no longer feel as strongly about them now and have a different insight as to where I would like their story to go, and now I definitely see the problem others had mentioned before of how they kind of took over the show, which is something I kind of closed my eyes to before... But I really loved them in s1. It felt like a very juvenile teenage relationship, they didn't give much thought on why and if they should be together, they just went for it like teenagers usually do, and they were very very cute together.

- I feel like if you don't count Beronica (because they really were the best no matter what you say or ship), if there's a ship that deserves "best chemistry" award for s1 is probably Varchie. I lost my interest in them years ago, but this rewatch reminded me of why I actually loved them once. They never really became an otp for me, but Kj and Camila's chemistry in s1 was VERY GOOD, and I really liked them. Their kiss in the pilot was electric and the s&xual tension was OOF, and that chemistry carries on through the season. You can easily tell something will happen between them eventually. It makes me sad bc I don't know what happened after s1, but their chemistry from s2 onwards was just... not there for me. Which is ironic bc it's the season they truly started dating and they got a lot of smexy scenes, but I just... didn't feel it. But I'll leave that comment to my s2 rewatch. For now just let me enjoy Varchie's chemistry in s1 while it lasts because it was really good.

- Now we get to Barchie, who I made clear was the reason for my rewatch, so let's get to it. I LOVED the way Barchie was written in s1. I remember when I first watched Riverdale, I was curious about their dynamic but didn't put much thought into it because I loved Bughead too much and wanted them to be together, and I thought Barchie would be the traditional "first og ship" thing and wouldn't have a big follow up, but boy was I WRONG and am I GLAD for it. I'll talk more about their development in the next seasons when I get there, so for now let's focus a bit on s1. Just in like the first two episodes, there is so much Barchie foreshadowing, like, it's legit insane how it was right there in my face and I missed it the first time! "I have never felt what i'm supposed to feel with betty", "it's not my fault he doesn't like you", "I can't give you the answer you want"... Omg, those are obvious eyebrow raising "this will come back to bite you in the a$$" moments and it's incredible how they actually DO! I would call it clever writing, but like... it's Riverdale lol. So I really am just glad that the ship was done this way, i'm glad Barchie has the back story that they do, they've really come a LONG way and i'm happy I get to experience their whole growing storyline. It's also especially good because s1 actually provides you with scenes that show you their friendship and how they're so close, you see them hanging out, talking, their pictures together, everything was just really done well with them. Still have a bit of critique with the way Archie contradicted himself sometimes regardinf his feelings for Betty, but let's be honest, we've watched enough Riverdale to know that's just a problem with the writing.

- Kevin/Joaquin is still my favorite Kevin ship, i'm sad it's completely impossible to go back to them someday so for now i'll just be really glad it existed and that I got to see them even if it was short-lived. They had great chemistry and their kiss scenes always outsold.

- Beronica... sigh. Beronica. The most wasted chemistry i've ever seen on CW and I've watched a LOT of CW shows. There was so much potential there, s1 was practically overflowing with them and it's one of the reasons it became some popular. I remember when the Beronica fandom was the biggest one, ah, good times. Veronica and Betty were easily the best part of season 1, their friendship, their lowkey romantic moments, they were just superior in every way. This ship deserved better, not even just as a ship, but as a friendship.

- Veronica's s1 hair >>> Veronica's hair in seasons 2-4. I loved the side part and I am glad it's back in season 5, it looks so much better like that.

- Cheryl, as always, deserves better. Can't wait for her to meet Toni so I can watch again Cheryl finally get to love someone and be loved back, which is exactly what she deserves.

For now, that is all! I will probably make another post soon when i'm done with season one and from season two on I will be live-blogging the episodes since I will be watching it alone. Once again, pls, no hate, my thoughts are my thoughts. Peace.

#bri rewatches riverdale #riverdale #barchie #choni

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poniesandcupcakes · 4 years ago

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Started alone, ending alone it seems. Memento Mori everyone. Unus. Annus.

I wanna thank you guys so much for everything, I don't know if you'd actually see this or the short goodbye tweet I plan to send out too,

But I was in a really horrible hole a month before unus annus. I lost my best friend after we both seemed to have such a sudden impulse to tell eachother how much it'd hurt to lose the other the exact day she was hospitalized. Barely hours before. I'm genuinely just crying because, in the beginning, I had such a panicked attachment like as if Unus Annus was the final thing I had left to stay sane and happy and to stop thinking about losing someone who was my best friend only four years short of my entire life (we were both freshly 18 when she died.)

I got this tattoo because of my loss and because of you guys, I have a poor memory and it hurt just the thought of forgetting even something as simple as our nicknames or her handwriting that used to be all over everything of mine. You guys are seriously so fucking awesome, on my other platforms aside from this I did back and forth posts of daily unus annus updates on my life and planned to delete it all like the channel, but fell hard on the impending dread of her anniversary, even months prior on my own birthday. I got separated from friends for close to half a year due to a virus, my other two best friends either moved away or seemed to care more about their relationship than me and their family, my dad works in another timezone and missed copious opportunities to visit during a year long separation from me, my mom and brother, and may even have to come as late as just before Christmas when he could've been home in a day.

I've wanted to say it and know you guys know, I love you guys and I love what you've done and I'm so so fucking thankful you did this, I was ready to go into a shell of being an even bigger introvert than I already am after losing the person I grew with to be comfortable out of my usual zone. I used to make comedy videos, write, make sketches, and be so creative before last October, and I think I would have definitely let you down not going after those goals and ignoring the potential I could have had, if not for your videos. You guys inspired me more than I thought you had.

I did break several times at the different times you guys spoke about the other dying, I could never wish that on anyone. My boyfriend and I both lost our best, closest friends in the span of two years and it ripped us apart. You guys seriously did so fucking much without realizing, and whether you see this or not I want you to know that. I havent sobbed yet but I'm definitely choking down Canada dry at the moment just to stop from waking up my family and startling my friend next to me, but I definitely will be crying before I get to sleep after the stream. The way you spoke about Amy when she laid down in the coffin is so beautiful, its how I felt about Jess. She was the reason for my everything, and we worked together on everything. We had scripts, and plans, and character designs for a series four years+ in the making, and I one day hope to finally bring it to life and give new life to her in that way through her ideas and creativity that held no bounds. I never met anyone as creative as her, not even my boyfriend who's someone I think can't be beat in that sense as well, but not in the same sense of her.

Unus Annus wasn't just a video series, it was like it came out perfectly to keep me sane and help me carry on and understand how to cope and how to live with her memories alone. Its a coincidence, that just.

It just helped me find so much strength and keep me up and working and staying around, I'd never dream of taking ill care of myself but I also have so many days I just don't do what I need to do because I can't see a reason, whether its appetite, taking care of my physical health, cleaning my room, or even just washing my face or brushing my hair. Its just stuff that should be such an instinctual or subconscious action, is so hard it physically hurts to do it more than to just move along and keep moving without it. I was so unhealthy, and still am despite working on it, losing things is hard. But having the memories is both harder and so much easier, than having nothing at all. I wish I could say "reset the clock" and be part of that group just to pretend I can't let go, but oddly?

I'm glad to see it go. The progress I've felt just telling people its all what "needs to be done" since the beginning, I never saw till recently how good it was to just let go. And it's because it came after such a loss, and such an odd and eery coincidence, even coinciding a month after her death and, obviously, the year anniversary of her death. I was just able to let go, because how could I ever come to terms with something like that kind of loss if I couldn't be comfortable with videos being deleted?

A reset can bring videos back, yes. Just begin the clock again, easy as pie, go on ahead archivers-

But there's no clock that could EVER be reset for her. Her clock can't just begin again, I can't just call her or send her a message and suddenly she'd be back, so why should I say Memento Mori has to be Numquam Subsisto instead? Never stop is not realistic. Death is an unavoidable occurrence, loss is a building block, remembering life can only exist if death does, and vice versa.

Memento Huius Anni, Memento Vitae;

Memento Mori.

Thank you, Mark, Ethan, Amy, Evan, everyone. For making this past year better. Even if it was the same prompt my own mind had held all year after October 2019, whether Unus Annus existed or not to put it there like an earworm; Remembering Death held a different meaning despite the same thoughts. A different feeling. It held excitement and calm, rather than my pain and sadness. You guys are amazing, I can't say it enough. And one day I do hope to say it to you all in person, even if it's years from now (as it most likely would be, I'm not very popular on YouTube for a collab in the slightest, and I don't have to money to go to any big events you may go to).

I could say more, but I don't want to say anything else sad, goodbye or not. You guys gave such amazing support to me, even if its hard to believe at all, or you think this is fake and just an attention scheme, you guys are just the best. You're amazing people I hope to meet one day, and I'm glad to have watched and experienced this and got the support from you all.

I love you guys, all of you. Memento Mori. Unus Annus.

#unusannusisoverparty #unus annus #unusannus #unus annus is over party #we were here #MementoMori #memento mori

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bananannabeth · 7 years ago

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Hi ashlee! Sorry to bother you but I've seen you and a couple people blogging about my immortal and I was hoping you could explain what's going on? From what I understand we just found out who the author is? But I'm not familiar with the actual story of my immortal. At least I don't remember ever coming across it. Thanks in advance!

It’s this 44 chapters long Harry Potter fanfic that was written back in 2006-2007 by ‘Tara Gilesbie’, published on fanfiction.net, and it’s so atrocious it’s great. The main character is a vampire goth (or ‘goffik’) called Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way but sometimes her name is spelled Enoby, the spelling overall is terrible, the plot is nonsensical and weirdly sexual, the characters and world are completely bastardised and on top of that the author sprinkles notes about her preferences and life story throughout the actual chapters and in the author’s notes. It’s so ridiculous, you truly have to read at least the first chapter to get an idea of how weird it is. There’s references to Hot Topic, to self-harm, to characters constantly hooking up, Hogwarts is divided into Goths and Preps, Harry and Draco are exes and everyone’s names are constantly being misspelled… It’s truly a wild read. Buzzfeed did a pretty god job picking out some of the best bits for its ten year anniversary, if you can’t sit through the whole thing you definitely have to read this.

It so completely disregarded Harry Potter canon and was so hated at the time that it got thousands of negative reviews, which made it infamous, and the author’s notes got more aggressive in response to the feedback. It was hacked twice, and then the author ‘got bored’ of it, and then she got locked out of her account.

It got really famous because no one could decide if it was genuine or a parody. It was so terrible a lot of people thought it must have been satire, but it was so long and so bad that a lot of people also thought it couldn’t have been made up because of the effort that went into it. It was like an over exaggerated example of all the worst bits of emo internet culture in the early 2000s, and some people saw it as a brilliant commentary on the state of fandom while others saw it as a blight on people who were trying to get fanfiction to be taken seriously. The debate raged and My Immortal even became required reading for a course at Princeton, but the author managed to stay anonymous and one of the greatest mysteries of the internet.

Recently, an unrelated scandal occurred in the YA publishing world where an ‘author’ named Lani Sarem attempted to buy her way onto the top of the NYT Bestsellers List with a book so terrible it garnered comparisons to My Immortal. People started speculating (half joking, half serious?) that maybe she was the author, My Immortal had been completely serious, and she had never grown up or changed her writing style at all and was now trying to scam her way to a profit with it.

This is obviously terrible, and it actually coincided with the real author of My Immortal making her first public statement on the internet in years, after she rediscovered and updated the bio of her fictionpress.net account, which had a similar account name, creation date (and apparently the same email and password) as the fanfiction.net account that had hosted My Immortal. After that first update she came back to say, no, she was not Lani Sarem. And then she came back again to reiterate that she was the real author of My Immortal, and, in the process, dropped hints that she had an agent, an editor, worked with amazing women in the publishing industry, and that she couldn’t say anything else about My Immortal ‘for now’.

Linking directly back to the Lani Sarem scandal, an editorial assistant at Wednesday Books made a (now deleted) tweet saying, “we have a book with the girl who wrote My Immortal. Definitely not the same person as this nut.”

Someone took this information and began hunting for clues as to who this author could be. They came across mention of a book called Under the Same Stars by Rose Christo, being published by the pretty damn impressive publishing house Macmillan. Now, I’ve heard two different stories at this point: Both might be true, maybe they happened at the same time or maybe one after the other, I’m not sure. But I’ve heard that they then found Rose Christo on Twitter, and discovered a screenshot she’d posted of something else that had another tab with what appeared to be the fictionpress account open. The other thing I’ve heard is that someone found Rose on tumblr and searched through her blog for mentions of My Immortal, and found a post where she admitted (in a round about way) to being the author (because she didn’t want Ebony being called a TERF, as if this story wasn’t wild enough to begin with!!).

Either way, people were now undeniably linking Rose Christo with My Immortal. And it turns out they were right, and Rose was the author, and Under the Same Stars is actually a story that details the time of her life when she was in the New York foster system, searching for her younger brother and writing My Immortal (which was a troll fic, she has confirmed) with her foster sister, referred to throughout the fic as Raven.

Here’s the official description of the book:

In the early 2000s, Rose Christo was separated from her five-year-old brother and shuttled between foster homes in Brooklyn to the Bronx and back again. Desperate to be reunited with her sibling, she traveled the five boroughs, unable to find any trace of him, as New York State’s child care agencies failed to help her time and again.Then, with the help of one beloved foster sister, Rose created an infamous piece of Harry Potter fanfiction titled My Immortal, posting it online under the pseudonym XXXbloodyrists666XXX. The “44 chapters and 22,000 words of hysterical, typo-laden hyperbole” went viral as the most notoriously terrible fanfic ever read by the community. For years, fans, writers, and editors researched, debated, and contested the story’s origin and its mysterious author: Was this grammatically challenged rant actually written by a suicidal goth teenager named Tara Gilesbe living in Dubai, or was this a hoax perpetrated by a group of professional authors making fun of fanfiction?The truth is a gripping, compelling, and surprisingly funny story of how a young girl infiltrated and used the fanfiction community to search for her brother by baiting their attention with a deliberately badly written tale, creating a 10-year mystery that garnered pop culture media attention and remained unsolved — until now.

Understandably, everyone lost their minds, because all the backstories people had hypothesised for the author of My Immortal were so far from Rose’s real life story (or the glimpses we’ve gotten of it so far).

She had been hoping to remain anonymous until the publication of the book was properly announced, when it’s subtitle The search for my brother and the true story of My Immortal, would have whipped up this same internet frenzy. But the whole thing with Lani just caused people to go snooping and the news came out earlier than she had planned, which is actually quite frustrating and upsetting for her, I’d imagine. But she seems to be taking it in stride.

You can read her FAQ, where she answers a few questions about all this in her own words, and you can read about the other books she has published here. I also recommend checking out her blog in general for some great insight into issues effecting Native Americans. You can buy her books on Amazon, too, if you want to read any others before Under the Same Stars comes out.

Even though we all know who the author is now, My Immortal remains one of the greatest things to ever come out of the hell-time that was the early 2000s, and is like a time capsule of all the worst bits of internet culture back then. After following this mystery for a decade, I’m really, really glad to know that the author has done so well for herself.

#my immortal #this was nice #compiling it all like this #nice and convenient for future reference #but seriously please go read at least the first chapter its fucking iconic #annabethsowl #iris message

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