#i post wip i get dopamine

[rimeah]

[sluckythewizard]

'I wont cry for you, I wont crucify the things you do. I wont cry for you, see, when you're gone, I'll still be BLOODY MARY'

[kirumarythechair]

me when i join a mutuals whiteboard 2 days late

[kuwdora]

Snippet Sunday tagged by @witch-and-her-witcher at some point. I have like 30 WIPs but I'm only allowing myself to work on 5 WIPs this month so I can finish stuff. Theoretically. This is a post-book/game canon Ciri thing that is ultimately inspired by @andordean's Blood Ties because that story is still eating my brain. Nevermind I've never managed to finish my other Ciri fic and I've never written Regis before... but hey, there's a first time for everything. Right?

“Are there any memories in particular that have disturbed you of late?” Regis asks. Ciri shrugs and swirls the remaining wine in her cup. She refills it and nudges the folio towards him. “What’s this?” he asks, carefully pulling the folio into his lap but not opening it. “Memories. Or the promise of them, at least,” Ciri says. “Oh?” Regis asks and turns the folio over. Deliberately not opening it. Ciri props her chin on her shoulder and stares at him, wishing she was a little more drunk, but maybe that was just the grief talking. Regis looks up and meets her gaze, politely looking past her thoughts in that vampire way he could do without reading them. He wouldn’t let himself read her mind. Not unless she asked. She should ask. It would be easier than pirouetting around the pain. But whatever titles she now held, she was still Ciri of Vengerberg who always took action, whether it was wrong or right. She was the daughter of Geralt of Rivia, and a witcheress from the School of the Wolf. She understood how to use her accumulated knowledge to assess a situation and attack. It would be better if she got this feeling off her chest herself.

[dumbbullet]

its 3 am and I have about 20 pages of thumbnails for a highly specific yet highly abstract comic idea

[prompt-master]

I've been meaning to ask but do you hate Danganronpa now?

Oh no no not at all. I love dr! And I love ghau!

But I need you to understand that I am literally constantly rotating ninja turtles in my head and there's a MOVIE. SOON. this will continue to last fo a good bit

[scolek]

once every six months on average i invent strange and beautiful new ways for anime people to express affection

[leebrontide]

Ok so I said I would do a post on “reasons you’re not writing” from the POV of a writer/therapist who works with anxious, depressed, and neurodivergent clients. If you dig that, read on.

But firstly, a disclaimer. This list is far from comprehensive. Don’t yell at me if your experience isn’t represented. This is a tumblr post. Have realistic expectations.

Also, sometimes the reason you’re not writing is that your other obligations are just taking all of your energy and focus. Fixing that is well beyond the scope of this.

That said, here’s a bunch of barriers I see people run into all the time.

1) You’re afraid of failing, and subconsciously feel like it’s safer not to try.

This is a tricky one, because it's probably messing up many areas of your life, which in turn means you're going to frequently feel stressed out in general, which speaks to the point above.

This is around about where the general internet will tend to offer you an array of affirmations to use to sooth yourself. And that's fine. If those work for you, then use them! BUT, if the affirmations aren't working, then friend you have a bigger project on your hands.

You need to get comfortable with failing, particularly at creative projects. I know that can feel scary and vulnerable, but you won't take risks if you can't fail, which is going to hem in your creativity so hard that your motivation will starve. This is why people talk about writing a garbage draft. Not because they want to make garbage, but because they need the option of making garbage in order to take risks. That may or may not work for you, but either way, you really might wanna look at how to lower your stakes.

2) You’re not sure what you’re trying to communicate.

You can make things happen in the story, but you feel like you’re wandering around aimlessly. You don't find you're making decisions with conviction. It might be hard to really fall in love with any of your writing decisions.

For this one, I suggest stepping back and figuring out what the core of your enthusiasm for a story consists of. That CAN be a message or philosophy. It can also be a feeling or a vibe or a dynamic. That gives you a structure that you can build your decisions around, that you can be enthusiastic about.

3) You switched hyperfocus. And maybe your new hyperfocus is a lot of fun, but you feel sadness thinking about the WIP you left behind.

This one has a similar need to the one before, with an added layer of nuance, because you're probably already struggling with identifying what does interest you. This can make people feel really hopeless and helpless.

I have three totally different suggestions for this one. The first is to just be patient with yourself. Sometimes it's good for your brain to just indulge, and let your brain mine for dopamine where it can. Like, lean in. Spa day for your brain, as long as it's feeling good.

Secondly, see if you can find creative ways to weave your hyperfocus into your writing. Is there a dynamic in your favorite show that can inspire your writing, even if it's an original work? Do you want to take a moment to think about how transportation works in the history of your world? Can you consider your MCs relationship to old movies?

It doesn't always work, but sometimes instead of trying to switch things over, you can build a bridge, that gives depth and texture to your work.

Finally- consider embracing short fiction! Do some writing inspired directly by the hyperfocus du joir while it's around.

4) You feel like nothing you say will be interesting to anyone else.

We understand this is a self-esteem issue, right? You're gonna have to develop the trust that your experiences are not so utterly unrelatable to everyone else that your perspective has no value.

Friend, you are a human, with human experiences, writing for other humans. Trust me, you can do this.

It can help to think about your actual convictions. What do you know? What have you experienced? What matters to you? Funnily enough, the cure for feeling like nothing in you is worth expressing is to pour more of yourself into your writing.

5) You’re collapsed. It’s hard to feel enthusiasm and energy for things.

You're not gonna like this, but for this one I encourage you to put your keyboard or notebook down and stop trying to write right now. I know that when you're feeling better the writing feels good, and you're trying to feel better because everyone is telling you to feel better.

But it's not working, is it? If it was, you wouldn't be reading this.

For many people, writing requires them to be able to feel investment and excitement, because those feelings help steer them towards what's going to work and be exciting for the reader.

Your best bet is to focus your energy on finding gentle little activities that aren't so hard to focus on. Ideally, ones that get you moving just a little bit. You'll have a better time writing when you're less collapsed.

Shaming yourself and getting hopeless and anxious because you can't do this really difficult task right now will make you more collapsed, not less, which will be the opposite of helpful.

And yes, these are depression symptoms. Consider reaching out for supports and assessment around that if you can.

6) You can’t figure out the next step.

Thank God for the internet, this one is a lot more actionable than it used to be.

The first thing to do here is step back and ask yourself "where am I getting lost?" If you have someone to talk this through with, even better.

Then you hop on to your favorite search engine and type in "Stuck on my outline 2nd act" or "can't get started editing" or whatever. People LOVE giving writing advice. There's plenty around. Read some advice! Try things out!

Now here is the critical point- when and if that advice fails, stop and figure out why it failed. For example, I have a short term memory disorder. Most writing process advice is for people who do not have short term memory impairments. So a lot of the advice just plain didn't work for me.

By figuring out that my subpar memory was in the way of my writing process, I was able to put together processes that work for my specific brain and my specific process. You can read about that in more depth here and here.

Frankenstien yourself a process out of stolen bits of other people's processes, with an understanding of your own personalized needs as the lightning that brings it all to life. If you have even traits of ADHD or autism or other forms of neurodiversity (no diagnosis needed) you might also google "ADHD editing hacks".

Finally, and maybe most importantly, chuck anything that you can't adapt right into the trash. I don't care how great the writer who gave the advice is. That's what works for their life and their brain. You have neither. Writing advice is only as useful as it is adaptable.

7) You think of yourself as someone who doesn’t finish things, possibly with history to back that up.

Oh, I feel this one. This was me so hard. For so long.

Make room for the idea that you can and will change over time. Getting shit done is largely a matter of developing a bunch of skills. You've already developed so many different skills in your life that you might not even recognize some of them as skills. But I promise you that you have.

But you see #6? Go read that one again. If you're not finishing things, it's because there's something missing in your routine and process that you haven't developed skills around yet.

I'm not gonna tell you it's easy, but you can find and isolate the barriers and figure out ways around them.

8) You have too many projects and feel frozen when you try to pick one to work on.

Ask yourself if this is a real problem. It may be! Maybe you dream of making a living off of your writing! That requires a level of consistency.

But it also might just be that you've had it drilling into your head that not finishing things is some kind of personal failing.

Write out all your WIPs and story seeds.

See if some of them can be mushed into one. Some AMAZING stories come from people combining story ideas that seem separate into a single story. That's fun.

See if some of them are not for finishing. What's that post going around? Some stories are for finishing, and some are just for "getting the wiggles out"? That's solid advice.

Maybe some stories are just for daydreaming on the bus. Maybe some stories are actually only 1/3rd of a story, and you want to leave it to grow in the ground before you try to do anything with it. That's incredibly valid and common!

If you actually look at the stories that you have that are for finishing, right now, you may find a much more manageable number. And if you only have like 2 or 3 things you're working on, you can just let them take turns as the passion for each project takes you.

Keep a file somewhere of these undeveloped ideas. I have a scrivner file that has each idea it's own little sub-document so I can add thoughts to them for years as they percolate.

9) You get lost in preparation and don’t make it to the page.

A couple different things can be happening here. One thing that may be happening is that you're just a writer who needs a lot of research and prep time before you write. I'm like that. I will prewrite intensively for a year before I write a single sentence. That sounds ridiculous to a lot of people but it works with how my brain works and then when I do start writing I can easily and happily churn out a consistent 2-4k words per hour. If it works it works! Don't let anyone shame you!

The other option is that you feel like you're going to get something wrong/fail/get in trouble if you get anything "wrong". You feel safer doing research, so that's where you stay.

Only you can figure out which it is. Introspect. Then you know whether to focus on managing anxiety or just keep preppin.

10) You want to write, but when you sit down to write suddenly it’s two hours later and you’ve written like 5 words but curated 3 new playlists, read some fanfiction, and argued with some strangers on the internet.

Brains are rough, aren't they.

There are two schools of thought here. Both work, but not for all the same people.

Option 1 is to clear distractions. Download one of those apps that keeps you off the internet. Put your phone someplace that you need a ladder to reach, so you have to very actively decide to go get it. Noise cancelling headphones. Comfy clothes. Protein rich snacks and a beverage within easy reach. Pee ahead of time. Make a routine out of it to train your brain into associating this with focus.

Option 2 is to figure out the optimal level of distraction. When I write nonfiction I almost always have mindless home renovation shows on at the same time. Because nonficiton writing isn't quite stimulating enough to hold my attention. So my attention wanders and I end up doing something that WILL hold my attention. When I write fiction, I need music OR to be outdoors where I can look at trees or clouds or people on the sidewalk. I can't watch any kind of TV.

Think of your attention like a pie chart. Different writing tasks may take up different percentages of that pie. If you're awesome at focus maybe you can just put 90% of your focus on writing, and the other 10% is just making sure you don't forget to eat or something. But if you can't reliably conjure up more than 70% for one thing, then fill the rest of the pie with things you can easily pick up and put down. I only look up at the home decorating shows when my passive audio scanning suggests it's something I want to look up at.

These are both good approaches. Ignore anyone who demonizes either. That only means they've found the version that works for them.

You have your brain. Build a process for your brain.

I hope this helps. I have a free monthly newsletter if you like hearing my rants. It is...not consistently about writing advice or mental health. One time I wrote about how genetically modified goats are related to French colonized Madagascar in the 1800s as well as the modern US military. One time I broke down modern challenges to medical privacy practice policies. This is all to do with what I write but in an idiosyncratic way.

Cause I gotta write about what I care about.

[mrghostrat]

hi bilvy!

I wanna start getting into writing fics, and i know the general idea of all my stories, but I'm not sure how to plan them beforehand while keeping my motivation for the actual writing at the same time. do you have any tips for a fellow Aussie?

you gotta let yourself be self indulgent about it!! plan your favourite scenes first so you can day dream about em and look forward to writing them (like me replaying “you’re gay?” “yes..?!?” in my head for weeks, and how much i’m looking forward to the final scene of editor hehe)

get tropey, collect silly tumblr posts into a tag for inspiration, make pinterest boards, make playlists!! anything that gives you a rush of giddiness or dopamine that you can uncork whenever you need some extra inspiration

and sharing snippets with a friend or two can be really motivating as well. i live for @niltia’s live reacts to my WIPs and getting to listen to @eviebane recording themself reading the completed chapters is such a huge motivator for me to get them finished 🤌

[olderthannetfic]

People getting obsessed with their AO3 stats, yeah get excited about kudos and comments because truthfully, everyone wants to know their hardwork is connecting with someone, but find other stats to help with the dopamine hit. Stats that you control, not up to the whims of others. Words counts. Per story. Per fandom. Per year. Overall. I'm 3k away from 40k words for the year! Or I'm 5k words ahead of where I was last year at this time. I'm this many words away from achieving some number that I have decided to celebrate.

Number of fics posted. Per fandom and overall. I get excited to see the numbers go up on my page. I like to stare at my documents and ask "which one of you wips is going to be fic #34?!" But I also celebrate in increments of 5. I currently write for two different fandoms so I get the satisfaction of hitting those arbitrary achievements collectively and again for both fandoms individually.

Number of pages on your AO3 profile. This one takes longer because there are 20 stories per page. I am currently One story away from my 10th page on my profile. (and then I get to also celebrate in another 10 stories when I'll have 9 pages for just one fandom) This is also fun because you can look at the number of pages for your fandom and go "10 of those are mine."

Getting a new "year" tab on your AO3 stats page.

--

[milla-frenchy]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you for the tag, @goodwithcheese 😁 loved these ao3 questions ❤️ @thundermartini @sawymredfox @mermaidgirl30

1. how many works do you have on AO3?: 35

2. what's your total AO3 word count?: 158,827

3. what fandoms do you write for?: Pedro and Boyd

4. top five fics by kudos

Smack my b*tch up

Blackmail

Wolf like me

Room 301

7 am

5. do you respond to comments?: I'd say, 95% of them

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?: easy 😁😬 Wolf like me

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?: Morning waves, I think? Probaby the fic with the most positive vibes, everyone's nice and happy 😌

8. do you get hate on fics?: so far, never

9. do you write smut?: that's the only thing I write, actually lol

10. craziest crossover: Blackmail. I don't know if it's crazy, but Joel/Javi P? Fuck yeah!

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?: Not that I'm aware of

12. have you ever had a fic translated?: No

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?: Yes, @aurorawritestoescape and I wrote several fics together 💕

Keep on your mean side

The burglary

Bad girl

The hounds of hell

14. all time favorite ship?: Hannibal / Clarice Starling

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?: There's one called Dopamine. In my drafts for sooooo long. It's almost finished, but I didn't like it enough to post it. I guess my writing changed, maybe I should try to rewrite it a little, and see if I can do something with it

16. what are your writing strengths?: @iamasaddie wrote this in a rb once:

can’t explain it, but there is a very specific voice you use when you write dark fics, I would always recognize it. I love it so much, it’s not tacky, not filled with stereotypes, it is creepy in a way that makes you exited 😈

I love it so much and I think it's a strengh

17. what are your writing weaknesses?: English isn't my native language, I have a ton of weaknesses 😭😭😭

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?: as a writer, I used some spanish in Glory O. I don't speak spanish at all, @toxicanonymity helped me with it 🙏

As a reader, I like it, if the translation follows immediatly the dialogue. If I need to check at the end of the fic it takes me out of it 🥲

19. first fandom you wrote in?: Pedro

20. favorite fic you've written?: Blackmail, I think. I love this story and I'm kinda proud of the ending 🙏

npt: @toxicanonymity @corazondebeskar @covetyou @aurorawritestoescape and anyone who wants to play 🙏

Tagging some moots but I don't know if you're on ao3: @joelmillerisapunk @604to647 @mermaidgirl30 @mountainsandmayhem @bonezone44

[smaller-comfort]

2024 fanfic year-in-review!

tagged by @tearitar tagging @ocelly, @kyuohki, and @the-starry-lycan if you want- and anyone else who'd like to!

number of stories posted to ao3: 14- which averages out to more than 1 a month and that's fucking astonishing

word counted posted for last year: 107,457 WHAT. Granted 10k of that was Love Is War which mostly was written in 2010 but STILL.

For some perspective, my total ao3 word count, which includes stuff I wrote going back to 2005, is 144k. That's a 289% increase! what! the! fuck!

fandoms i wrote for: Sea of Stars, The Messenger, Twice Dead King/Warhammer 40k, and Assassin's Creed.

pairings: Aephorul/Resh'an (philosopher's bone(r)); B'st/Resh'an (musical theorems); Oltyx/Yenekh (monster boyfriends); Djoseras/Zultanekh; Altair/Malik/Maria; Monk/Ninja

stories with the most kudos, bookmarks and comment threads: Hilariously, Love Is War has the most kudos. I'm not sure it should count, though. (I promised an update, and I swear I'll do it this year.) Love Is War and A Certain Slant of Light are tied for most bookmarks. And Hotel California has the most comment threads and second-highest kudos, which makes sense because it's got the highest chapter count.

work i’m most proud of (and why): Every time this question comes up I seem to have a different answer- right now I'm  proudest of Love Is Not All, because it was my first exchange fic and I was leery of my ability to finish. It pushed me way out of my comfort zone, and I'm proud of myself for that.

And I think it's a very fun story overall, but my favorite part is the ending- it kind of wraps up with my thesis statements for both characters as they approach biotransference. Djoseras in particular is an extremely difficult character for me to get my head around, and when I wrote out that scene it really helped to make him click in my head. (It's the closing scene, but it was one of the first parts that I wrote.)

work i’m least proud of (and why): I love all my children equally! Once something gets to the point of being posted, I have to be proud of it.

There are certainly places where I think I could improve, but a lot of that comes down to my writing style shifting over the course of the year. I'm still trying to figure out my own voice.

(I'm not that satisfied with the shopkeeper chapter of hotel california)

share or describe a favorite review you received: man. every comment is cherished, but some of the comments/responses to Dreaming Still and A Light Exists In Spring made me cry.  I was in kind of a "crawl into a hole and never speak to anyone ever again" frame of mind when I first posted Dreaming Still, so those comments were the blessed dopamine shot I needed to get my head back in order. And for ALEiS, it was the weirdest/most niche thing I'd written at that point, and I was not expecting such an enthusiastic response. For both of those stories, I had comments that pointed out themes I hadn't even realized I was writing- and as a writer, that's really the most incredible feeling in the world.

Also shout out to that person who comment-spammed most of my SoS fic with tons of quotes and emojis. You are a shining star in the sky, a bright beacon of light in the darkness, I owe you my life/my firstborn/a slice of cake, etc.

Sea of stars fandom has spoiled me rotten when it comes to comments, and I love all of you.

a time when writing was really, really hard:  uggghhhh right now actually. Christmas killed my momentum and now I keep making hissing noises at all of my wips instead of actually writing anything. words r hard, brain iz dumb.

Summer was rough as well, although in retrospect I actually got quite a bit of writing done. My brain was being astonishingly awful for a lot of it.

a scene or character you wrote that surprised you: 

Aephorul, in general. Most of Save Scumming. The way B'st just completely came in with a steel chair and usurped Resh'an's spot as my favorite character- though in retrospect, that shouldn't be surprising, given that he's kind of tailor-made to appeal to me.

The last chapter of Hotel California happened almost entirely by accident. I later found out that the Shopkeeper/Muse theory is a pretty common one, but at the time it made me feel slightly feral. Shared fandom braincell; the games force you to extrapolate a lot, and its very fun to see what conclusions people arrive at independently.

a favourite excerpt of your writing: 

“I don't blame you." Aephorul turned to lean his head against Resh'an's, and press a kiss against his brow. "Not anymore.” “Maybe you believe that, too.” He closed his eyes, listening to the echo of the false heartbeat in Aephorul's body. “And maybe we're both better at lying to ourselves than anyone else ever was.” Aephorul's arms tightened around him. He didn't say anything; there was nothing more to be said. They held each other together, and the stars moved in their slow, inevitable circuit above them.  > Continue? Maybe not quite yet; you can rest here a little longer. You've got all the time in the world.

I get excited whenever I can tie things in different stories/different scenes together. The cyclical mirroring thing that Resh'an and Aephorul do in all my fic is mostly intentional, and kind of integral to the way I approach their characters. So the way the ending to Save Scumming refers back to the ending to Loser Takes All is one of my favorite things about it.

(But I'll be honest, sometimes this happens unintentionally; there's a really funny repetition in YMTE(E) that I didn't catch until after I posted chapter 2, but I actually love that it's there.

Theres that post that's like "sometimes as a reader you just want nine carrot cakes in a row" and I have embraced that philosophy wholeheartedly.)

how did you grow as a writer last year: I wrote so many words! So many. Just an absurd number of words, gosh.

I think I'm getting better at taking risks and being less apologetic about what I write.  Don't get me wrong- I do think I'm hot shit, actually. I'm not reflexively apologizing for the quality of my writing, just the content; the mortifying ordeal of being known gets me every time. I used to get hysterically panicked every time I posted something, and now I don't, mostly. Progress!

how do you hope to grow this year:  I'd like to try writing longer, plottier things; there are some wips (outshine the sun, the obyron/zahndrekh thing) that I've been avoiding because I'm not confident enough in my ability to execute. I'd like to find that confidence.

Also 2025 is the year of the snake so idk I should really write more monsterfucking. Get weirder and hornier about everything, write some new kinks, push myself further out of my comfort zone.

who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer, beta, cheerleader, etc.): so many people. most of what I wrote this year probably wouldn't have happened at all if not for the friends I've made here on tumblr. Fandom is this perpetual game of "yes, and" and it's been a delight getting to play it with all of you.

I struggle a lot with making and maintaining connections with other people in general, so just know that if we've talked or interacted at all over the past year, it means a lot to me.

anything from your real life show up in your writing last year: ahahaha oh god. Well, the setting for my modern AU is really just places I've lived with the serial numbers sandblasted off. And in lieu of doing actual research, I'm just pulling from my own memories of the early 2000s for the college-era au. (It's not autobiographical at all; my memory is so fucked that it's really just vibes at this point anyway. But those vibes specifically are very much 'being queer and closeted during the bush administration wasn't great, actually.')

There's also a bunch of the medical/mental health stuff that comes from my day job, but most of that is pretty obscure. Again, rather than actually doing research, I prefer to just absorb the stuff that's going on around me at any given time. Sometimes this is my growing familiarity with all the ICD-10 F codes, and sometimes this is all the things I wish I didn't know about my coworkers' sex lives. *sighs very, very deeply*

any projects you’re looking to starting (or finishing) this year: I don't really think ahead about starting things; I'm kind of always just flying by the seat of my pants. But I definitely want to write more snecrons, and finish all of my current posted wips. So, Love Is War; the parting is all we know of heaven series (which has an actual plot trajectory, I swear); You, Me, Them, Everybody (Everybody); Devotional. And then there are the wips that haven't gotten posted yet, like all the various Etudes stories, the sequel to Save Scumming, and half a dozen other modern AU things.

I'd love to clean up/expand some of my very old ffvi fic, too. Mostly, I'm looking forward to writing more! It's been a trip; I hope 2025 is just as productive.

[clawbehavior]

Greetings 🦚

I hope you will talk a little about these wips :

1,2,3,4 and 9!

Have a nice day 🌸

hi anon,

i had a wonderful time answering these, so thanks for playing:

from this WIP asks game:

1. kidnapping fic, aka 'my heart goes back to you'. i wanted to write a story where gaon and yohan don't trust each other but have to rely on each other and still fuck. being kidnapped is the mechanism through which things devolve, plus it's why gaon becomes degenerate. yohan can't abandon gaon because he's already attached and because sunah kidnapped gaon to get to yohan, so this is partly his fault. k doesn't die. we haven't even gotten to the fucked up chap yet.

2. money lender au, my baby, 'everything everywhere all at once.' several days ago i asked people to subscribe to it so i could achieve a round number of subscriptions and get a dopamine hit that would elevate me from writer's block. i promised to post the epilogue in return. i got the dopamine hit, emerged from my slump, and updated the kidnapping fic instead 🤣🤣

3. political intrugue au, 'the second coming.' we get a dangerous gaon who's like that because of events of chapter 1. this fic is gonna be short. ch 2 will be the end of it. i know the climax and the (fucked up but still happy) ending, but i need to figure out the beginning, which is the events that lead yohan to realize that he's vastly underestimated his colleague. 

4. batman and lois lane au! this hasn't been published but it's heavily plotted out. it's actually a plot bunny @godotismissingx posted about 1-2 years ago. i never forgot it because it was so intriguing. then @fr-wiwiw and i plotted out a whole fic for it one night on discord. i have two scenes developed. in the first, gaon breaks into an office looking for info to write an article and gets caught by batman, who he has serious vibes with but doesn't act on because he's already in one situation ship with the enigmatic fuckboy kyh. in the second scene, gaon uses his engagement party to misdirect suspicions that yohan is batman by having k dress up as batman and crash the party. the news publishes a front line page piece about batman being pro gay marriage, complete with a photo of gaon dipping yohan back in a kiss while batman looks on. such an unserious take but i love the concept. i hope godot returns to it :)

9. strangers in a bar, unpublished. i rewrote this three times before accepting that there's something missing so it languishes in the back until i understand what's wrong. here's the epilogue to that fic, if you want an excerpt.

also, are you one of the anons who replies to my writer asks/writer games? you help me stay active as a writer. whenever i get writer's block or frustrated i come on here to play these writer games because that helps inspire me. i dedicated 'my heart goes back to you' to you in thanks for that.

[thegoblinwitchqueen]

Risking not finishing this since my brain says, “okay! Done!” After getting the dopamine hit I get from posting WIPs 🤣

But with all the dragon age news about I’ve been so hyped! I wanted to draw a moment between Blackwall and Rosamund

[professorspork]

I hope this doesn’t come across as like a pushy “update pls” I promise that’s not how I mean it. I’m curious at what point you feel like a multi-chapter fic is ready to post? Do you write it in its entirety and then edit chapters in between updates, write and edit it in its entirety, write most of it and continue writing the rest between updates? I’m very curious about your process since you’ve been writing some monster word count fics

I really appreciate you asking!

The short version is that I've learned over time that what works best for me is completing a work in its entirety before I start posting; above all I like posting on a reliable schedule for my audience, and I simply do not write quickly enough (or coherently enough) to do that any other way. There are a lot of reasons for that and I WILL ELABORATE ON THEM AT LENGTH:

I have several multi-chapter WIPs from the Glee days-- when I was in college-- that I never finished because I'm a delicate hothouse flower when it comes to maintaining hyperfocus, and I found a new fandom to be in before I could complete them. Back then especially, I was much less disciplined about writing sequentially: I would write parts of the story wildly out of order, focusing on whatever interested me most at the time. That means my hard drive is a graveyard of unpublished content, which sucks-- not only did I never give my audience the resolutions they were looking for, but I never got to receive feedback on parts of the story I was really proud of. I found that really dispiriting.

Going to grad school for screenwriting really helped me focus on telling a story in order, because there is literally no other way to write a screenplay than one scene at a time; it's far too reliant on momentum and consistency to jump ahead to "the good bits" and come back. I also did several projects-- writing my multi-chap Frozen&Tangled polyamory epic for a friend's birthday; pre-writing all my 2015 Cartinelli Week one shots far in advance so I knew they'd be perfect come posting day-- where I had a deadline I wanted everything Done By, which got me in the habit of writing to completion before posting. It wasn't something I thought I was going to be capable of because I'm like Tinkerbell, Finn, I need applause to live feedback is incredibly motivating to me, but having the ability to go back and change things in chapter 2 if I realized they weren't adequately setting up what I wanted to do in chapter 5, or whatever, proved to be just as powerful a motivator in a different way-- it meant I could tell the stories RIGHT, if I took my time with them. I also learned to get at least one cheerleader I could leak snippets to as I went, so that I still got the dopamine hit of the feedback even though I'm ages away from posting for real.

I also found that, as a reader, I always really appreciated when authors could stick to an update schedule so I could look forward to new chapters like I would episodes of television. It's not a standard I expect from anyone, but it is something that makes me really happy-- and the two ways to do it are to either write fast enough that you're just constantly churning out new content (not an option for me, especially on the occasions when I'm actually employed and can only write on weekends) or to pre-write and then slow release. it gives me a feeling of... mastery, I guess? Like "hey everyone here's a gift I'm giving you," as opposed to writing and updating when I can, which makes me feel like I'm always chasing something (BEING chased by something?) and risking losing my audience/my own fickle concentration if I were to wait too long.

My "ONLY post after everything is done" rule is a new one, because I burned myself on rely on certain certainties, the last D/s epic I wrote (lmao can you tell this topic interests me). I worked on that for a year and was 132k in with no end in sight when I started posting, but I was part of a Kristanna discord at the time, and I wanted to seize the audience I had before it disappeared-- which is always the danger of movie fandoms, which never have as much staying power. I had hoped that because I had such a big buffer I could keep writing ahead of the updates as they came up from behind, but I tapped out at 172k when I finished the end of an arc. That kills me, because I have SO MUCH unreleased content for that story which will never see the light of day, because-- again-- I'd let temptation win and wrote ahead to The Juicy Bits instead of forcing myself to go in order.

So, two things I've learned:

Only ever outlining the juicy bits that come late in the game, instead of lovingly finessing their every word, is a great way to trick motivate myself into continuing to write in order so that I can GET to the juicy bits, full stop; if I don't exorcise them they keep haunting me and that helps me stick it out until the end

By holding stories back until they're complete, I give myself the ability to complete them because I'm able to dig myself out of holes I've written myself into. In the old days, if I got stuck because I realized the real root of my issue had come chapters earlier and that's why it's not working now, I'd just... be stuck at that wall, unable to move forward, and that would be that. The idea of going back and editing a published story for narrative content is mortifying to me and something I personally could never do, so-- this way I'm giving myself more tools and options, so that I can tell the story I want to tell and tell it right.

In terms of my actual process, I tend to work like this: my most productive time is when my ADHD meds are at full power, so in an ideal world I am writing new content from like 10am to 3pm or so, getting as far as I can in New Content. Evenings, when I'm no longer in Hyperfocus Productivity Mode, I'll go back and reread things-- sometimes chapters from much earlier-- both to entertain myself and to make edits and changes. Often, that's just moving words around here and there for cadence and flow; rarely, it's adding whole new moments or thoughts to the chapters. I try to write In Order as much as possible, getting chapters beta'd as they're completed. I'm a nitpicky perfectionist, so keeping a hold on my early chapters until everything is posted means I can change them over and over and over again without anyone knowing but me, which I love-- and those changes are getting made right down to the wire. even when the fic is "complete" and I'm "only posting" I'm still making edits; some of people's absolute favorite parts of Newsbees were added literally the night before, when it was the "get everything into AO3 and do the final pass for typos and formatting" stage. Like, Penny writing sudokus on the fly for Ruby at the hospital? Ruby thinking in Adam Font? Those were 11th hour strokes of genius.

So yeah-- that's a very long-winded way of saying that I've found writing to completion first not only makes me more likely to actually finish my WIPs, but it makes my WIPs BETTER because it gives me far, far more time with them. I know it's not something that works for everyone, but in terms of my own sense of like, duty and responsibility and goal-setting, it keeps me on track without risking Guilt completely paralyzing me-- which is what happens when I post as I go and then get interrupted.

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY RAMBLE.

[simlicious]

Personal update

It's been a while since I wrote a longer personal post, so here we go. Long wall of text incoming!

I am not focused on making patterns so much as I am trying to make a tutorial on making them. Yesterday, I dived into making an explanatory animation and editing a short video clip I recorded. But adding transitions, titles, hints, etc, that stuff takes AGES. I have definitely gained a new level of respect for YouTubers!

Generally, I struggle a lot to get into any project and keep working on it. I'm 95% sure I have ADHD because the struggles I face are textbook ADHD. I have watched a lot of videos recently on ADHD, and especially also how symptoms manifest in women. I was the kid who always daydreamed in school. Who would go "ssssh!" angrily to classmates who were giggling/disrupting, because I got so distracted by it. I had to put all my energy into paying attention. I studied for tests on the last day or during the break before the lesson because I had no motivation beforehand. I had a hard time doing homework, I was just not motivated to do it and made a lot of careless mistakes too, especially with maths.

TBH, I've always felt really bad about showing so many WIPS and getting people's hopes up, and whenever I promise to get them done in a certain timeframe I meant what I said. But I often disappoint myself and you guys too because I often cannot pick up or work on a project. I know I want to finish it and that it would get me a satisfying feeling and probably praise from you guys, but it's still not enough motivation. It's like there is an invisible barrier and I cannot get through it. I often do not know myself why I can't do it. Whenever I do manage to pick up a project, I often have a good experience and at least make some progress on it. But it does not mean the next time is any easier 😭

I have some projects that are almost done, and there is just a little something to do and I just cannot bring myself to finish them. It's really frustrating. I have periods where I can just go with the flow and pick up whatever I can do and do not agonize as much about not being able to tackle bigger projects. But the tutorial project is one of the few goals I set for myself this year, and the year is more than half over already. I want to finally make some progress!

I realized why I am good at making patterns: They take a short amount of time, often between 15 minutes and 4 hours depending on the complexity, though most I can finish in an hour. I do not have to wait long until I can first test the new CC in my game, which is generally a very gratifying experience., since most of the time, the patterns are fine. But whenever they need to be tweaked again, I tend to put that off. It's really hard to pick them up because the gratification is not as high as the initial loading up. My brain is just not getting a high enough dose of dopamine from it, and it's like nope, why bother.

I also get into phases of hyperfocus, and in those, I can work 8 hours straight on a mesh, but once that streak is over... well, RIP WIP. And I can never finish a meshing project in one go. The base mesh might be finished, but then I need to make LODs, morphs, the textures... I often spend an initial 8 hours on one creation, and 20 more to revise stuff later on. I am also bad at judging how much time something takes, with some of my projects it's probably more like 40 hours that went into them already. Most notably a project I titled Exquisite Comfort Sweater. I have revised it 3 times I think, and I am still not done or satisfied with it:

The problems are not obvious from screenshots, there are texture flaws (which can be hidden nicely with patterns, and since the pattern tiling is so good I have used that cardigan often as a way to preview my patterns), but also bone and morph problems. I would not want to release a creation that is broken in my eyes. It might still work for posing and screenshots, but I want people to be able to play with my creations and not get distracted by terrible bone assignments. With this example, the custom bulky sleeves are what create a problem with the bones and morphs. They are just too different from EA's stuff and there is no good reference to clone those from. Hence I need to do manual edits, but that also involves a lot of trial and error. I recently learned how to tweak the bones manually in Blender, so I know I have the tools I need to elevate that to the level where I wanted it all along. But motivating myself to open that blender file still seems impossible.

My perfectionism compels me to enter a loop of creating, testing, seeing something I do not like, and having to do the cycle all over again. Because often, fixing a tiny thing also means I have to redo morphs,. LODS, textures, it takes ages to fix something. And then if I still don't like it, I have to do it a third time. Once my hyperfocus is over, the thing is just left in whatever state it was when I stopped.

I cannot bear to throw away any of my works in progress, because I do go back to some of them sometimes. But it really only happens very rarely that I finish something.

I spend a lot of time meshing and creating stuff, but it just never gets to a releasable state. So I probably have the same experience as someone who has published 100 meshes but I just have nothing to show for it. It sucks so much 😭

And I have been wanting to make tutorials about creating CC for AGES. In the past, I've written down written ones on a whim, but this time, I want to make video tutorials, because most people find them easier to grasp and more digestible. I have good ideas, and I have the knowledge to pass on, it really makes me sad to see so many people wanting to create CC but struggling to find good tutorials and resources. I want to help, I have the knowledge, but I struggle so much with getting things done. I start and I get overwhelmed. I get lost in details. My anxiety perks up. To say this is frustrating is an understatement. Whenever I publish a pattern collection, it feels as huge as writing a term paper. And I feel proud of myself when it is done and out, but it also exhausts me. I really wish I could put out content more frequently. That it wasn't such a huge deal, such a struggle.

I hardly even make goals anymore because most I never reach anyway, because I cannot walk that road. It's like I get off the path and get horribly lost.

And I really am sorry about not being able to keep promises. I often don't even mention stuff I am working on, but I sometimes do need the input/dopamine from my lovely blog readers to keep going.

I think if I declare a deadline, that will help me finish a project. It sometimes works, but then sometimes it does not. And it sometimes makes me want to write "unreliable" in my tumblr profile, but that feels so harsh and I need to show compassion toward myself if I want to make progress.

Lately, I have watched a lot of "tips and strategies for ADHD" videos. One video addressed something very important: the fact that people with ADHD can get bored with a certain strategy and then it just does not work anymore. So I cannot trust a habit to work forever, because out of the blue, that trusty strategy may just stop working.

Finding strategies that work is difficult, and getting into a new habit is even harder. I feel like life is rigged against me and my struggles are mostly unseen because my wins are not flashy at all. For me, cleaning my apartment is a big deal. Taking a walk with my best friends 2 times a week feels like a full week. We even go when it's raining. Two years ago, I would never thought this possible, but this shows me that I am making progress. The progress is just in areas that remain unseen, that do not produce big results, nothing to put in a resume, or in a portfolio.

I'm writing all this because I have been especially upset and frustrated with my inability to work lately. And I'm sad that I cannot create the resources for you the way I want to. That everything takes me so much longer than I anticipated. That I make promises that I cannot keep.

I need to get my frustrations out of my system so I can focus on small wins and hope they eventually add up to a big one.

If you happen to know some good ADHD resources or strategies that you have experience with, feel free to share them, they are much appreciated!