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ENCYCLOPEDIA SPONGEBOBIA

Squidward Tentacles

EDIT

GENERAL INFORMATION

RESIDENCE:

122 Conch Street, Bikini Bottom, Pacific Ocean

OCCUPATION(S):

Krusty Krab cashier

Mailman (formerly)

Occasional replacement fry cook

Longtime babysitter and caretaker of Pearl

Former manager of the Krusty Krab 2

Clarinetist

Artist

Junior counselor (Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years)

EDUCATION:

Bikini Bottom School[2]

High school[3]

Community college[4]

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

GENDER:

Male

COLOR:

PMS 333 (PMS 332 in Season 1)

EYE COLOR:

Light yellow with mahogany-red pupils

CLASSIFICATION:

Giant Pacific octopus[1]

FAMILY

DESCENDANTS:

Tentacles family

CONNECTIONS

PET(S):

Snellie the Snail

Unnamed scallop

EMPLOYER:

Eugene H. Krabs

SERIES INFORMATION

FIRST APPEARANCE:

"Help Wanted"

PORTRAYER:

Rodger Bumpass

Jason Maybaum (Young Squidward in The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run)

List of characters

How did I ever get surrounded by such loser neighbors?

SQUIDWARD TENTACLES, IN THE EPISODE

Character

Gallery

Appearances

Squidward[5] J.[6][7] Q.[8] Tentacles[9] (born October 9[10]) is one of the ten main characters of the SpongeBob SquarePants franchise.[11] He is SpongeBob's and Patrick's grumpy neighbor and coworker who lives in an Easter Island head. He is an arrogant artist and musician, and his favorite hobbies are painting self-portraits and playing the clarinet.

Even though Squidward's name contains the word "squid," he is an octopus, not a squid, as confirmed in many interviews and episodes.[12][13][14][15][16][17][18] He has the traits of an octopus—a round bulbous head and rectangular pupils—while a squid has a long triangular head and circular eyes, unlike Squidward. Squids have ten tentacles, many more than Squidward. The series' animators believed that giving him eight limbs would be too burdensome and difficult to animate, which is why he is usually depicted with six limbs. Notable exceptions are brief scenes in "Pressure" and "Sold!," in which he has a full set of eight legs. In "Feral Friends," his exact species is identified: a giant Pacific octopus.

He is a very cynical, selfish and a stick-in-the-mud individual. He works as the cashier at the Krusty Krab, a job he hates on occasion. Squidward is frequently annoyed by SpongeBob's loud and cheerful behavior, but he sometimes sticks up for SpongeBob and sees him as a friend.

Biography

Squidward J. Q. Tentacles was born to Jeff and Mrs. Tentacles. According to the SpongeBob SquarePants Annual 2014 book published by the Egmont Group, Squidward's birthday is on October 9.

His father raised him right and loved him very much, as Squidward mentions in "Krab Borg."

Later, Squidward was enrolled in the Bikini Bottom School.[2]

During his childhood, he always had to sit near the garbage cans at lunch, as he wasn't known as a friend by many people.[19] As a teenager, he was rivals with his band classmate Squilliam Fancyson.

As a child, he went to Camp Coral where he met a sponge named SpongeBob SquarePants, a sea star named Patrick Star and a Texas squirrel wearing an aquatic suit named Sandy Cheeks. A year later he became the troop leader of the Camp becoming a figure of authority towards his friends and during that time he met a money obsessed and former Navy member young crab named Eugene H. Krabs, that would become his boss in future.

The Original Fry Cook 169.png

Young Squidward with hair near Jim.

One day, he became part of the Krusty Krab along with Jim.[20] On the day Jim quit, Squidward spoke with him and instantly lost his long blond hair, much to his dismay. Later, at an unknown point of his life, he would become the neighbor of his former Camp mates SpongeBob and Patrick..[21]

At one point, he tried to move out of his house out of intolerance for his neighbors, but the real estate agent refused to sell his home on account of SpongeBob and Patrick stealing his identity and deceiving her.[9]

At one point, he moved out of Bikini Bottom and into Tentacle Acres, a town filled with his peers, other octopuses who share his tastes and outlook on life. Here, he was forced to face how boring and oppressive his desired lifestyle is, and he was able to ultimately break free of its bonds with a few inspired silliness.[22]

In "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V," it is implied that Squidward at one point had a significant other when he remembered the good times he had at Make-Out Reef.

In "Love That Squid," it is revealed that he has not dated for a long time before Squilvia came into his life.

At one point, he, along with SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Plankton, and Sandy went on land to retrieve the Krabby Patty secret formula from Burger Beard.

In "Lame and Fortune," he won the most miserable cashier in the Bikini Bottom contest. Unfortunately, Mr. Krabs immediately purloins the cash prize.

On March 6, 2017, Squidward traveled 2,000 years into the future as a result of being thawed in the Krusty Krab freezer for 2,000 years.[23][24]

Description

Squidward-Sour-Note-octopus-concept-art.jpg

Concept art for Squidward as Sour Note, depicting him as a realistic giant Pacific octopus.

Squidward is a PMS 333 colored octopus with purple suction cups at the end of his tentacles. Squidward has six limbs in total, two being arms, and four being legs, which tend to make the shape of a plus sign when he stands in place. Whenever he walks, his suction cups stick to the floor, meaning that he walks with a distinct squelching noise. Squidward has a large cranium with eight spots on the top of it. He also has a nasal voice, a skinny body, a big droopy nose, a wide mouth, and yellow eyes with rectangular maroon irises. When he laughs, his nose appears to deflate and inflate repeatedly (in earlier episodes, this was accompanied with a sound effect.) He wears a brown polo t-shirt.

Squidward is usually bald, but his natural hair color is blond. In the episode "The Original Fry Cook," it is shown that Squidward had long blond hair when he was young, but he lost it all after Jim left the Krusty Krab. His blond hair is also seen in the ending of "Squidward's Sick Daze."

Squidward-in-Underwater-Friends.png

Squidward with his real-life octopus counterpart, as seen in the book Underwater Friends.

His color has changed slightly throughout the series. While he is shown to be PMS 332 in earlier episodes (most noticeable in "Help Wanted"), he changes to PMS 333 in later episodes.

In the episode "Sandy's Rocket," Squidward is shown to be wearing an old version of his nightwear. It is pink with magenta-colored flowers on it. In newer episodes such as "Sentimental Sponge," Squidward is seen wearing his real nightgown. In this episode, he refers to it as a "nightshirt." It is a light purple nightgown that comes with a matching nightcap. It is the third version of his nightwear. The second version appears in "Employee of the Month" and "Funny Pants."

It is shown in the episode "Bulletin Board" that Squidward has a tattoo of a red rose on his right arm.

In the episode "Jolly Lodgers" Squidward wore a pink Hawaiian shirt before staying in Hotel Halibut to get some peace and quiet. He later wears orange and red trunks, while he goes swimming, and when he enters the Jellyfishing Convention.

In various spin-off media, he's slightly redesigned. In Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years, he looks mostly the same as the original, but wears a red cap and a red handkerchief. In The Patrick Star Show, he has three pimples on his nose, and his shirt's collar and sleeves are yellow.

Personality

Squidward is considered rude, stubborn, snobby, grumpy, bad-tempered, egotistical, miserable, sarcastic, apathetic, pessimistic, hypocritical, and sometimes sadistic, but this can be explained by his work ethic. He views the world in such a negative light that he is rarely seen greeting anyone with a smile. He hates his job at the Krusty Krab and is often seen sleeping or reading on the job instead of working. Despite his temper, he is still one of the most intelligent and educated characters. He has a cynical attitude, a grandiose sense of self, and sees others as uncivilized morons while failing to accept his shortcomings. Squidward sees himself as misunderstood and unappreciated, blaming society for his failures.

He is annoyingly pretentious in his pursuit of fame and is either unwilling or unable to spot talent and creativity, even belittling it. He lauds "cultivated taste" and accepted standards. In the episode "Artist Unknown," he insists that his pupil SpongeBob "show his method," even when it is painfully clear that SpongeBob has artistic genius. Furthermore, Squidward takes credit for creating the David statue when SpongeBob is the actual creator. His motive was to impress the art appraiser. In the episode "Bubblestand," he belittles SpongeBob's bubble blowing.

Squidward is also jealous of those who are more artistic or talented than he is, for example, Incidental 41, Patrick Star, Mr. Krabs, Squilliam Fancyson, and even the puppet Mini Squidward. In "Slimy Dancing," Squidward cheats during the dance show by hiding in SpongeBob's body and using the latter's physical identity and talents to win the trophy. He attempts to steal the dance trophy after being criticized by the judges, only to be thrown out by the security. In "Professor Squidward," Squidward impersonates Squilliam Fancyson while exercising his power as a music teacher, preceding his arrest by the police. In "Sold!," after knowing that SpongeBob and Patrick think Nick Fishkins has bought their homes. Squidward lies that a 14-member family has moved into SpongeBob's pineapple and an 8-member rock band with several instruments has moved into Patrick's rock. When SpongeBob and Patrick come to their old houses, he puts on outfits to match the characters that he made up.

Squidward is generally portrayed as an overall failure. His musical skills with the clarinet are generally portrayed as sub-par, from mediocre to excruciatingly horrible. In "Sweet and Sour Squid," Squidward's disastrous clarinet playing creates a mass noise disturbance throughout the town, prompting the authorities' arrival. However, there have been numerous exceptions - such as in "Bubblestand" and "Hello Bikini Bottom!" - where he plays nicely. At the end of "Christmas Who?," he manages to play great with the wooden clarinet SpongeBob carved for him. In "That's No Lady," he manages to play a nice tune to woo "Patricia." Also, in "Best Day Ever," he even has a concert where he plays beautifully and receives thunderous applause from the audience. SpongeBob was even on the VIP list for it. It seems that he is capable of playing the clarinet very well by providing a full effort. He plays well enough in "Hello Bikini Bottom!" for a musical manager to offer him and SpongeBob a job. He also - if the player plays well - plays well in the Rock Bottom mini-game in Lights, Camera, Pants!, along with Beats Me. He is also first-chair in the Bikini Bottom Orchestra.[25]

He often lets this success go to his head. In "Skill Crane," Squidward's final success in winning from the toy claw machine goes to his head and influences him to use a construction crane; his out-of-control usage of said crane leads to the demolition of the future site of a mall, and eventually the Krusty Krab. In "Snowball Effect" after pelting SpongeBob and Patrick with snowballs, he takes the snowball fight too far and builds a massive Fort and throws a bunch of snowballs, believing he was dominating the snowball fight.

His overall artistic style is shown to be abstract and overly sophisticated, and his works are commonly panned by his audiences. His failure is shown to be due to his bad taste and arrogance, rather than a genuine lack of talent. The entirety of his art centers on himself, apparently holding his very being to be an artistic wonder and never even considers depicting anything else. In the episode "One Krabs Trash," Squidward is shown bringing flowers to a gravestone reading "Here Lies Squidward's Hopes and Dreams."

Because of this, he is portrayed to be the failure of an artist. In "Out of the Picture" an art dealer mentions that none of Squidward's artwork will ever have any monetary value unless he was "Out of the picture." In "The Googly Artiste" When Squidward showed an art dealer one of his artistic creations, the art dealer was repulsed by it. In "Can You Spare a Dime?" When Squidward went homeless after quitting his job, he mentions that no one would take his paintings so he had to eat them. However in "Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost" he has shown to make good art in some artistic mediums, including wax-sculpting, pottery, and even paintings, but gets no recognition for them. Despite his lack of success, Squidward is tireless in his pursuit of artistic achievement. Squidward does have artistic talent, but he’s just too lazy and arrogant to practice.

In "Dunces and Dragons," Squidly, Squidward's medieval ancestor, vowed that if he could not learn to play the clarinet correctly, his seventh great-grandson would be cursed tenfold. In "Squilliam Returns," Squilliam mentions that Squidward was voted "Most Likely to Suck Eggs" in high school.

Given how Squidward is depicted as a loser in most regards, it is likely that his narcissism is a defense mechanism to make him feel as if he has some form of self-worth. Outwardly, he shows signs of modest success: he lives in a big, well-tended house, with no signs of slothfulness, and finds plenty of time to lead an active, involved life.

Squidward is well-educated and knows his history. He is intelligent and has a lot of worldly knowledge, especially compared to those of SpongeBob and Patrick. Squidward is also a skilled driver, as he manages to drive virtually everything, from a traditional bike, a boat, car, and even a tractor.

Krusty Krab Training Video 120.png

Squidward sleeping at work.

When he is at the Krusty Krab, he is a lazy, sloppy, somewhat incompetent employee who has an intense dislike of the restaurant and its management, which is best exemplified in the episode "Krusty Krab Training Video." He is considered "inattentive, impatient," with "a glazed look in the eye." In episodes where Squidward is put behind the grill whenever SpongeBob is missing, he has shown himself to be an incompetent fry cook, often burning the food instead of cooking it, which affects the health of its consumers. This is shown in "Pickles," "Hooky," and "SpongeBob LongPants." In "Chum Fricassee," it is revealed by Grandma Tentacles that Squidward took shortcuts and undercooked her fricassee, thus poisoning the customers, since he all he cared about was the fame, rather than actual results of the cooking. In "Accidents Will Happen," he fakes his injury and lies to Mr. Krabs for the sole purpose of seeking sympathy and having an excuse to not work. He does this again in "Squiditis," where he lies to Mr. Krabs about having the eponymous disease to have a day off. In the episode "Squid on Strike," he organizes a worker's strike at the Krusty Krab. He even destroys the Krusty Krab, although indirectly and accidentally.

However, despite his hatred for his job and the constant abuse and misfortune from having it, he very rarely ever quits and never considers looking for better employment. He puts up with it out of pure laziness and stubborn pride out of the fact that he expects to let benefits come to him rather than trying, such as in "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V" and "New Leaf" when Mr. Krabs threatens to fire him and Squidward lets this threaten him to go along with what he's getting dragged into against his will.

It is revealed in a flashback of "The Original Fry Cook" that he insists on remaining at the Krusty Krab until his clarinet career pays off, even though it never does. Other examples include "Can You Spare a Dime?," in which he quits the Krusty Krab and becomes homeless due to not finding a new job. After being taken in by SpongeBob, Squidward becomes a leech and consistently and deliberately ignores SpongeBob's hints for him to at least attempt to look for a new job. In "Banned in Bikini Bottom," after the Krusty Krab is closed down, rather than trying to search for a new job, he waits around with SpongeBob watching Mr. Krabs wallow in depression. In "Goodbye, Krabby Patty," after getting officially fired from the Krusty Krab, Squidward takes pettiness to this but sees this as an opportunity to follow his dreams, only to find out that he needs better experience than 17 years as a cashier. Yet rather than trying to search for a better job, he begs for SpongeBob to help him get employed at the Krusty Krab Museum. The most recent example is "The Check-Up" when a nurse threatens to have the Krusty Krab permanently closed, Squidward ends up deciding to help SpongeBob rather than ditching to let him do it himself, stating that if the Krusty Krab is closed down, he would "have to get a real job."

As it all turns out, one of the reasons why Squidward is often arrogant and bad-tempered, especially the fact that he's rude and hateful to most people, is having to put up with SpongeBob and Patrick's loud and irritating behaviors, which sometimes leads him to make plans to get him to stop, although sometimes, either as a result of his arrogance or carelessness, his plans backfire on him. This is shown in "Jellyfishing" where Squidward unleashes a jellyfish in a jar with the intent to make it sting SpongeBob and Patrick, in retaliation for making him get stung by the Queen Jellyfish. In "Fools in April," Squidward pulls a very cruel and harmful prank on SpongeBob that physically assaults him while under the manipulation of a rope tied to him. In "Suction Cup Symphony," Squidward kicks SpongeBob and Patrick out of his window so hard to the point of fracturing the latter's buttock bones. In "Dying for Pie," Squidward buys an explosive pie to give to SpongeBob for Employee Brotherhood Day, oblivious to the fact that it is infused with a bomb; SpongeBob allegedly consumes it, only to reveal toward the ending that he had it in his pocket the whole time to share with Squidward. Although Squidward tried to make the last hours of SpongeBob's life meaningful and felt guilty for causing his doom, he expresses anger upon discovering that SpongeBob never actually ate the pie. In "The Lost Mattress," Squidward tries to get SpongeBob and Patrick eaten by the guard worm at the dump by having them trespass the fence while dressed up in steak suits. In "The Curse of Bikini Bottom," Squidward lends his lawnmower to SpongeBob and Patrick out of hope that they injure themselves with it. In "Sportz?," he creates a malicious sports game for them to play in an attempt to harm them. In "Scavenger Pants," Squidward makes up a really difficult scavenger hunt in hopes of getting SpongeBob and Patrick harmed.

Despite his grumpy nature, Squidward does have a caring heart deep down, and when he realizes his plans have caused either harm or emotional pain to those he ridiculed, he is quick to realize the error of his ways and make up for it while he can. Occasionally, such as in "Krab Borg," Squidward is seen teaming up with SpongeBob, or even caring about him.

Artistic side

Leisure

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Squidward playing his clarinet.

An avid patron of the arts, Squidward has a strong affection for interpretive dance, sculpting, painting, and playing the clarinet. However, he seems to have almost no talent for any of them whatsoever, although he does play the clarinet beautifully at the end of the "Christmas Who?," at the end of "Bubblestand," and in "The Two Faces of Squidward." He has often tried to impress the public with his artistic exhibitions but is always either unrecognized, mocked by his audience, or upstaged by SpongeBob. Squidward always wants to be the center of attention but rarely ever is. In "Best Day Ever," he had a concert where he played beautifully and received thunderous applause from the audience. SpongeBob was on the VIP list for it, which is ironic, considering Squidward's intense hatred for him. Squidward also misses many chances to become famous, even in his dreams.

His lack of talent seems to go back to when he was a kid: in "Lost and Found," it is revealed in a flashback that Squidward was a kazoo player in elementary school and that his classmates found his music so bad that they all ran out of school, despite Squidward thinking he excelled in playing the instrument.

All of his artwork, from sculptures to paintings, depicts himself in a way, even repainting existing works to include his face. He surrounds himself with said art throughout his house, a clear indication of his narcissist tendencies. These arts have occasionally been admired greatly by Patrick and SpongeBob, but are universally hated by the rest of Bikini Bottom.

He has tried several things to reach the fame he desires: hosting a talent show, starting his astrology spin-off, forming a band, and so on, yet he cannot seem to get much of a following.

Occupation

Squidward works as the cashier at the Krusty Krab, along with his co-worker, SpongeBob SquarePants. He not only hates his duties but the Krusty Krab itself, and he performs his job rather poorly and with a lack of enthusiasm. He also frequently behaves rudely to the customers. He has often expressed a desire to be fired or simply quit, but never makes good on it. While he initially only seems to work there because he needs the money, he seems to only be there out of pure laziness of getting a different job as the series progresses.

In The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, Squidward is the manager of the Krusty Krab 2 for six days, although due to Plankton's invasion of Bikini Bottom, the new restaurant is not in service during this time. It is also shown here that Squidward cares about what happens to the Krusty Krab and the Krabby Patty formula when he discovers Plankton selling Krabby Patties and threatens to report him to King Neptune. In "Selling Out," Squidward works as the waiter for Krabby O'Monday's. He was forced to maintain a false state of happiness, or else face "Human Resources," a thug in the back of the building.

In The Patrick Star Show, he is a paperboy who's trying to collect overdue payment from the Star family.

Squidward has also been:

Captain Magma (Squidward).jpg

Captain Magma.

The "art department," filmmaker, and creator of the "real" Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Movie's designing technology. -"Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VI: The Motion Picture"

The replacement fry cook at the Krusty Krab - various episodes

Captain Magma (a volcano-themed superhero identity) - "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V"

Orchestra Concert Composer and Clarinet Concert Player - "Suction Cup Symphony," "Best Day Ever," and "SquidBob TentaclePants."

Art Lesson Teacher at the Recreational Center - "Artist Unknown"

A former teacher for the Bikini Bottom Prestigious Music College - "Professor Squidward"

Santa Claus - "Christmas Who?"

A playwright - "The Play's the Thing"

Alter egos

Reflecto - "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy"

Squidward's ghost - "Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost"

The Flying Dutchman - "Scaredy Pants"

Wolfgang Amadeus Tentacles - "Sleepy Time"

Santa Claus - "Christmas Who?"

Jen - "As Seen on TV"

Captain Magma - "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V"

SquidBob TentaclePants - "SquidBob TentaclePants"

Smelly - "The Thing"

New Squidward - "Breath of Fresh Squidward"

Handsome Squidward - "The Two Faces of Squidward" and "Squidward's Sick Daze

Normal Squidward - "Not Normal"

Gerhard Fishtrap - "Sold!"

Hedvig Fishtrap - "Sold!"

Sour Note - The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Doctor Negative - "Mermaid Pants" and "Appointment TV"

King of Sports - "Sportz?"

Um Tentacles - "Scavenger Pants"

Squid the Horse - "Pat the Horse"

Bunny Squidward - "Bunny Hunt"

Creation and development

Stephen Hillenburg first became fascinated with the ocean and began developing his artistic abilities as a child. During college, he majored in marine biology and minored in art. After graduating in 1984, he joined the Ocean Institute, an ocean education organization, where he had the idea to create a comic book titled The Intertidal Zone, which led to the creation of SpongeBob SquarePants.[26][27][28] In 1987, Hillenburg left the Institute to pursue a career in animation.[28][29]

Several years after studying experimental animation at the California Institute of the Arts,[29] Hillenburg met Joe Murray, creator of Rocko's Modern Life, at an animation festival. Murray offered Hillenburg a job as a director of the series.[28][30][31] Martin Olson, one of the writers for Rocko's Modern Life, read The Intertidal Zone and encouraged Hillenburg to create a television series with a similar concept. At that point, Hillenburg had not considered creating his own series, but soon realized that this was his chance.[27][27]

Hillenburg used some character designs from his comic book. He designed "SpongeBob's grumpy next-door neighbor" like an octopus because of the species' large head; octopuses, he said, "have such a large bulbous head and Squidward thinks he's an intellectual so of course, he's gonna have a large bulbous head."[32] Hillenburg drew Squidward with six tentacles because "it was just simpler for animation to draw him with six legs instead of eight."[32] Show writer and storyboard artist Vincent Waller said:

Squidward is hard to draw-he has a very odd-shaped head. Fortunately, his emotions are pretty even, but to get a whole lot of big emoting out of him is a challenge. His nose splits everything in half, so it's always like, 'OK, how am I going to work this and still make it read?'[33]

Hillenburg thought of making jokes with Squidward ejecting ink but retired it because, according to him, "it always looks like he's pooping his pants."[32] However, it occurs in The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water and the episodes "Giant Squidward" and "Ink Lemonade."

Stephen Hillenburg named him Squidward because of the name Octoward—in the words of Squidward's voice actor Rodger Bumpass—"just didn't work."[34] The sound of Squidward's footsteps is produced by rubbing hot water bottles. The footsteps, and those of the rest of the main characters, are recorded by the show's foley crew. Sound designer Jeff Hutchins said that footstep sounds "[help] tell which character it is and what surface they're stepping on."[35] However, his footsteps are usually accompanied by a couple of stock sound effects from the Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends library from the sound effects company Sound Ideas, SPURT, CARTOON - OIL SPURT 01 and 02. Bumpass inspired the idea of having Squidward ride a recumbent bicycle; Bumpass owns one of these bicycles, which he rides around Burbank, California.[36] Bumpass described it as his "little inside joke."[34]

Voice

Voices of Pearl Krabs and Squidward Tentacles.jpgSquidward's voice is provided by actor Rodger Bumpass, who voices several other SpongeBob SquarePants characters, including Squidward's mother. In "Funny Pants," Tom Kenny voices Squidward's laughter at the end of the episode. While creating the show and writing its pilot episode in 1997, Hillenburg and the show's then-creative director Derek Drymon were also conducting voice auditions.[37] Mr. Lawrence, who had worked with Hillenburg and Drymon on Rocko's Modern Life, was Hillenburg's first choice for the role. Hillenburg had invited Lawrence to audition for all the show's characters.[38] Instead of Squidward, Hillenburg decided to give Lawrence the part of Plankton, the series' villain.[37] According to Everybody's Talking: The Voices Behind SpongeBob SquarePants, while Tom Kenny was practicing the voice of SpongeBob, Stephen Hillenburg read several of Squidward's lines since his voice actor (Rodger Bumpass) had not been cast yet.[39]

According to Bumpass, Squidward was "a very nasally, monotone kind of guy." He said the character became interesting to perform because of "his sarcasm, and then his frustration, and then his apoplexy, and so he became a wide spectrum of emotions."[40] Tom Kenny, the voice of SpongeBob, describes Bumpass recording his lines in the studio, saying, "I love watching Rodger ... He's right next to me." According to Kenny, when Bumpass "goes apoplectic" as Squidward while recording, his head turns red, "and you're afraid he's going to have an embolism."[36]

Several of the show's crew praise Bumpass for his performance and similitude to the character. Kenny called Bumpass "brilliant" and said, "[he] is sort of like Squidward."[36] Staff writer Kent Osborne said, "I remember thinking about how much Rodger talks and acts like Squidward. That's why it's such a good voice—he's so connected to it."[41] However, Bumpass said, "I'm not him and he's not me, but what I'm required to do for him and what I am enabled to do for him is what makes it like me. It fits my particular talents and skills very well. So in that respect, yeah, he is me, but I am not the cranky, sarcastic, underachieving kind of guy that he is. He's easy to fall in, I will say that."[40]

Squidward's voice has been compared to that of Jack Benny's. Kenny said, "To me, there's something just so funny about that Jack-Benny-loyal-to-nobody character that Rodger Bumpass does such a great job of playing [...] Squidward."[42] Arthur Brown, author of Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Cartoons!, said that Squidward "sounds a lot like Jack Benny."[43] Bumpass repudiated the relationship, saying "Jack Benny, no. Although he does have this observational sarcasm he occasionally brought out."[40]

Relationships

SpongeBob SquarePants

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Squidward angrily kicks SpongeBob and Patrick out of his destroyed house.

SpongeBob is the character Squidward interacts with the most and is also the one he dislikes more than the rest, often trying to avoid him at all costs.

The main reason for Squidward's massive dislike for SpongeBob's existence is because SpongeBob can be extremely annoying towards Squidward, but SpongeBob is unaware of this, and thus continues to irritate him. It was revealed in "Truth or Square," that SpongeBob's pineapple house landed on Squidward's old garden and when SpongeBob moved in, Squidward started to resent him even though SpongeBob didn't do anything to make Squidward hate him. Squidward and SpongeBob are opposites, which seems to be the reason why Squidward dislikes him at times when SpongeBob has not done anything bad to him.

Their relationship is somewhat complicated. While SpongeBob sees Squidward as one of his best friends, this is mostly one-sided, although Squidward occasionally shows sympathy towards him; this is seen in episodes such as "Pizza Delivery," "Dying For Pie," and "Christmas Who?" Squidward also admired SpongeBob's selfless bravery against the Flying Dutchman in "Born Again Krabs." Squidward has also teamed up with SpongeBob and helped him on a few occasions, such as in "Krab Borg" and "Squid on Strike." Later, in "SpongeBob You're Fired," Squidward fought off four crazed restaurant owners to rescue SpongeBob and later admitted that as much he hates him, he hates the smell of burnt Krabby Patties more before giving him a heartfelt plea to return to the being the fry cook at the Krusty Krab. In the episode "SB-129," Squidward says that he misses everything, including SpongeBob. He also admitted that he likes SpongeBob in "Graveyard Shift" and "Fools in April." Sometimes, he needs SpongeBob's help, as shown in "Skill Crane" and "Sponge-Cano!" where he desperately told SpongeBob how grateful he was so SpongeBob could save him from falling in the volcano. He's also gotten along really nicely and played with SpongeBob in episodes such as "Breath of Fresh Squidward" and "Slide Whistle Stooges."

Mr. Krabs

Born Again Krabs 180.png

Squidward is angry at Mr. Krabs.

Squidward despises Mr. Krabs and has little tolerance for him. Unlike SpongeBob, Squidward is much more aware of Mr. Krabs' greedy and cheap nature. Mr. Krabs also thinks very lowly of Squidward and gets tired of his lazy tendencies and often blames him for mishaps, though he does see him as a valued employee on occasion. There have been times where Squidward angrily scolded Mr. Krabs. In "Born Again Krabs," he furiously chastises Mr. Krabs for selling SpongeBob's soul for pocket change. In "Clams" he gets mad at Krabs for taking them on a fishing trip and berates him for making them stay on the boat all over a dollar. He also gets outraged when Mr. Krabs blames something on him, like when Squidward got mad and furiously quit his job because Mr. Krabs angrily accused him of stealing his first dime in "Can You Spare a Dime?." However, the two do sometimes get along and Squidward has been working at the Krusty Krab for a long time and does sometimes respect and listen to Mr. Krabs' authority, so the two have developed a somewhat decent relationship. However, their relationship has taken a turn for the worst as the series progressed, with Mr. Krabs becoming more greedy and immoral, and Squidward becoming angrier and grumpier.

Patrick Star

Throughout the series, Squidward is shown to have a considerable dislike towards Patrick. As with Mr. Krabs, this hatred overall seems to have taken a turn for the worse in later seasons. In "Restraining SpongeBob," Squidward is very annoyed with Patrick when he would stalk him, ask stupid questions, and use his clarinet to clean the bathroom.

Their relationship, in general, is awkward; unlike SpongeBob, Patrick notices Squidward's malice more often and tends to contradict him more. Squidward in return is also more rude and disrespectful to Patrick than to SpongeBob. The two have even fought each other in some episodes due to their differences. However, Squidward sometimes hints he can tolerate Patrick more than SpongeBob.

While Squidward holds a massive hatred towards Patrick, he didn't seem to mind him before SpongeBob's arrival to their neighborhood. As shown in the TV special "Truth or Square," Squidward lived a happy life in Bikini Bottom, and even enjoyed his job at the Krusty Krab, only turning bitter and frustrated after SpongeBob moved. Additionally, in "No Hat for Pat," he wishes Patrick was SpongeBob before he tries to push him off the platform into an urchin bucket, hinting that even though he dislikes Patrick a lot, he dislikes SpongeBob far more.

In "Naughty Nautical Neighbors," he befriends him, because he saved his life, but quickly ditches him later. He also stops Mr. Krabs from conning him in "Patrick's Coupon."

Plankton

Squidward and Plankton barely interact since Squidward doesn't usually care about the secret formula. When they do interact they usually dislike each other. However, in the episodes "Sweet and Sour Squid" and "Chum Fricassee," they team up, although they remain enemies in the end.

Gary the Snail

Gary and Squidward have a complicated relationship. Gary annoys Squidward while Gary thinks Squidward is a jerk. However, Squidward does seem to have feelings for Gary as seen in "I Was a Teenage Gary." And they seem to sometimes share the same opinion about SpongeBob's annoying antics as Squidward once replied "Oh, tell me about it!" in "Giant Squidward." In "Are You Happy Now?," Gary seemed to be concerned for Squidward like SpongeBob was. In "That Sinking Feeling," Squidward was searching SpongeBob in his house and when he spotted Gary on the roof, he said "Hey, Gary." to him.

Sandy Cheeks

Squidward and Sandy usually do not talk to each other, but in "SquidBob TentaclePants," she transformed Squidward and SpongeBob after being stuck together, and Squidward begs Sandy to separate them. Sandy is one of the few characters Squidward seems to have no problems with, although Sandy does seem to sometimes to find Squidward intolerable, such as his recent assault on a creepy crawler with karate for revenge instead of self-defense in "Squid Defense." She can also get a little rough because in "Patrick! The Game" when he was about to quit Sandy angrily scolded him to get back in. She even drew the line before with Squidward and some of his antics, such as when she beat up Squidward in "Sportz?" for making SpongeBob and Patrick injure themselves by playing dangerous sports and wouldn't let them stop.

Squilvia

Love That Squid 034.jpg

Squidward meets Squilvia.

Squilvia is Squidward's girlfriend in "Love That Squid." In the episode, Squilvia visits the Krusty Krab and Squidward falls in love with her and gets nervous around her, so SpongeBob has to act as his wingman. SpongeBob tells Squilvia that Squidward likes her and manages to get Squidward a date with her. However, Squidward is unprepared to go on a date because he has not gone on one in years. Therefore, SpongeBob teaches Squidward how to act on a date by pretending to be his girlfriend and going on a simulated date.

After Squidward cannot take it anymore, he yells at SpongeBob. However, he does not realize that Squilvia has arrived for their date. Squidward then thinks that she would not go out with him because he yelled at SpongeBob. However, she likes that he stood up for himself. They then go on their date.

Since she's confirmed a minor character, their relationship is considered over.[44]

Family

Main article: Tentacles family

Rivalry

Squidward's arch-rival is Squilliam Fancyson, whom he first met in high school in band class, who, like all other octopuses on the show, looks and acts similar to Squidward, but wears a robe and has a unibrow. However, unlike Squidward, Squilliam is extremely successful in everything that Squidward has failed in, and is living Squidward's dream of being a wealthy celebrity artist with crowds of adoring fans, usually with many admirers following his presence. In Squilliam's debut episode, "Band Geeks," he calls Squidward, at his home, to once again, rub his success in his face, saying that his band is signed to play at the Bubble Bowl but cannot come, and sarcastically asks Squidward for his "band" to cover for them. Squidward, caught in the moment, claims that he does have a band and will play at the Bubble Bowl, forcing him to put together a band from the residents of Bikini Bottom. Thanks to SpongeBob, their performance turns out to be much better than Squilliam could have ever expected, causing him to have a heart attack.

Squilliam returns in the aptly named episode "Squilliam Returns," in which Squidward meets him and a crowd of his fans. Squilliam tries to embarrass Squidward by showing the crowd his lowly position as a cashier, but Squidward claims to own a five-star restaurant, and Squilliam agrees to take the group to dinner there, expecting this claim to be exposed as a lie. Squidward's attempts at converting the Krusty Krab into a five-star restaurant are initially unsuccessful until he gets SpongeBob to clear his mind of everything "except fine dining and breathing." SpongeBob can turn the Krusty Krab into an extremely extravagant and fancy diner. Everything goes well until Squilliam, who is admittedly impressed, asks his waiter, SpongeBob, his name. SpongeBob, having erased everything else from his mind, forgets his name and subsequently everything else, going insane and destroying the "fancy restaurant" environment, with the help of Mr. Krabs' disgusting "appetizer" coming to life.

Squilliam appears again in "House Fancy" where Squilliam calls Squidward to boast about how his enormous house was chosen as the fanciest house on the show House Fancy. Squidward then calls the show's host and claims his house is better. Then with the help of SpongeBob, he attempts to make it look better but ultimately ends up destroying his house. The show's host thinks this is a revolutionary house design, and for the second time, Squidward can beat Squilliam.

Love interests

In "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V," Squidward says "Ah, make out reef... good times, good times...," meaning he had been there when he was younger with a love interest.

In "That's No Lady," Squidward and Mr. Krabs fall for Patrick, who was posing as a woman named Patricia because Patrick thought someone was trying to force him to leave Bikini Bottom.

In "Love That Squid," Squidward makes a date with another octopus named "Squilvia."

Residence

Squidward's House.jpg

Squidward's house.

Main article: Squidward Tentacles' house

Squidward lives in a house resembling an Easter Island moai. It is placed in between SpongeBob and Patrick's houses at Squidward Tentacles' House, and the address was revealed in "Slide Whistle Stooges." It has been personified several times, such as in the episode "The Secret Box," where it seems to be peeking at SpongeBob and Patrick's talk. Despite Squidward's wish for peace and quiet, his two neighbors, SpongeBob and Patrick, make it nearly impossible, due to their high level of childish immaturity and silliness. If Squidward had the choice, he would move. He does so in "Squidville," but ultimately decides that he had moved somewhere even worse. In "Opposite Day," Squidward tried to move, but SpongeBob and Patrick caused the real estate agent who was originally trying to sell Squidward's house to leave angrily, so Squidward had to stay. He also moved out in "Stanley S. SquarePants," because he had realized that there were "two of them" and he became horrified.

Squidward usually lives alone, but in "The Great Snail Race," he adopts a pet snail named Snellie. In "Can You Spare a Dime?," Squidward winds up homeless after quitting his job until SpongeBob finds him living in a cardboard box and takes him into his house. Squidward almost becomes homeless again in "Giant Squidward," when he turns into a giant. In the episode "Good Neighbors," Squidward's house becomes a living robot (due to a security system) and terrorizes Bikini Bottom.

Trivia

Despite being the tritagonist, Squidward appears in more episodes than Patrick (the deuteragonist).[45]

In "Help Wanted," Squidward's skin color is PMS 332, but he became PMS 333 for every episode after.

"The Paper" is the first episode where Squidward is seen shirtless.

SpongeBob is seen imitating Squidward in "Opposite Day," "I Had an Accident," "Gone," "Mimic Madness," "CopyBob DittoPants,"The Getaway," and "SpongeBob's Bad Habit."

He is acrophobic/afraid of heights in "Are You Happy Now?," but in "No Hat for Pat," he is not when he is on the diving board with Patrick.

Squidward sometimes uses a recumbent cycle for transport, such as in "Choir Boys." This alludes to his voice actor, Rodger Bumpass, who also owns a recumbent cycle.[46]

Squidward is claustrophobic, as revealed in the episode "Wishing You Well."

In the episode "Reef Blower," when SpongeBob sucks the water out of the ocean he is shown to be a shade of purple, but in other out of water appearances, such as The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water, he is his normal shade of PMS 333.

In early concept art for The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water, Squidward's superhero form (Sour Note) depicted him as a realistic giant Pacific octopus. In the final version of the film, this gag was given to Sandy instead, and she becomes an overly realistic squirrel.

During October 2007, where Nickelodeon characters were shown dressed up as various monsters during commercial breaks, Squidward was dressed as what appears to be the Phantom of the Opera.

Squidward can also be seen dressed in a Santa costume during a "Happy Ha-Ha Holidays" commercial, due to his portrayal of Santa Claus in "Christmas Who?" to avoid hurting SpongeBob's feelings.

In "Feral Friends," it is revealed that Squidward is allergic to nuts.

Is also revealed that squidward is allergic to Seaberry Pie ("Restraining SpongeBob") and Snails ("Sanctuary!").

Squidward appeared or was mentioned in every episode between 21 and 28. Ironically, he did not appear for six episodes from the 29 to 31 duo.

Squidward often breaks the fourth wall by referencing 11 minutes, the usual length of a SpongeBob SquarePants episode.

Squidward is right-handed. This can be seen in several episodes, including "Artist Unknown" during the scene in which he tries to draw a circle.

Squidward has a distinct laugh, which always makes his nose inflate and deflate, much likely being a reference to the octopus' contractile mantle.

Squidward's height relative to Mr. Krabs changes depending on the episode. He occasionally appears to be much taller, but they are the same height counting Krabs' eyestalks in some other scenes.

At the Krusty Krab, Squidward sometimes has different jobs from his regular cashier job, usually replacing SpongeBob as fry cook when he is absent.

Tengen toppa gurren lagann squidward cameo.png

A cameo of Squidward in Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.

A character resembling Squidward makes a cameo appearance in the Japanese anime Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.

It is revealed that Squidward used to have a full head of blonde hair in "The Original Fry Cook."

In the episodes "Employee of the Month," "The Good Krabby Name," and "Super Evil Aquatic Villain Team Up is Go!," Squidward can successfully cook Krabby Patties. However, he does it unprofessionally in "Pickles," "Hooky," and "The Algae's Always Greener."

In some episodes, Squidward reads magazines during his job.

In the French dub, Squidward's first name has been changed to "Carlo."

In Japanese, Squidward's name has been changed to "Ikarudo Tentacles" (イカルド・テンタクルズ, Hepburn: Ikarudo Tentakuruzu). Ikarudo is a portmanteau of ika (the Japanese word for "squid") and the presumably technical romanization of "Squidward" (su-ku-i-do-wa-ru-do).

Squidward is allergic to seaberries[47], snail slime[48], nuts, soda[49], and pets[50].

It is revealed in "The Fish Bowl" that Squidward's favorite food is ice cream.

Squidward reveals that he has a father in "Krab Borg," although his father has never been seen in the series.

His father appears in the book Hooray for Dads!, where he is shown to have a similar personality to his son.

In the audio commentary for "Karate Choppers" and The Absorbing Tale Behind The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, Squidward is referred to as Squidward J. Tentacles by his voice actor, Rodger Bumpass.

Ebony Maw.webp

Ebony Maw

In the 2018 film Avengers: Infinity War, Tony Stark insults Ebony Maw by calling him "Squidward."

In 2000, a spin-off series of SpongeBob shorts was made called Astrology with Squidward. It focused on Squidward as a psychic telling audiences about different zodiac signs using other SpongeBob characters.

Squidward earned his given name from a pun on "squid" and "Edward."

He is the first SpongeBob character to appear in a flash animation in the short Super Bowl LIII Halftime Show short.

The Book of Silly Stuff lists Squidward's middle name as Quincy.

Squidward is shown to be reading numerous magazines, each episode has Squidward reading a different magazine.

In Spain and Latin America, his name is "Calamardo." That is because in Spanish "squid" is "calamar" and "Edward" is "Eduardo."

In the episode "SpongeBob's Bad Habit," it is revealed that Squidward has a nail-biting problem.

When Squidward blushes, his nose also has a red tint like his cheeks.

In the episode "Are You Happy Now?," it is revealed that Squidward owns a fax machine.

In the episode "Jolly Lodgers," it is revealed that Squidward likes conga music.

Google bought the domain "squidward.com," and to this day, it redirects to google.com.

According to the series pitch bible, Squidward was originally going to play the oboe, and not the clarinet.[51]

Squidward's voice actor, Rodger Bumpass, is more than 10 years older than SpongeBob's voice actor, Tom Kenny.

In a 2002 promo, Squidward joked about being the new host of Blue's Clues before Joe responds with "Squidward, stop telling people that." [52]

In the episode "Drive Thru," it is revealed that Squidward never went to college.

References

^ "Feral Friends" - "Ah, the giant octopus. One of the largest predators on the ocean floor."

^ a b "Lost and Found." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. DATE. Television.

^ "Band Geeks." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. September 7, 2001. Television.

^ "Atlantis SquarePantis." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. November 12, 2007. Television.

^ "Help Wanted." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. May 1, 1999. Television.

^ Audio Commentary for "Karate Choppers"

^ The Absorbing Tale Behind The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

^ "Professor Squidward." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. February 19, 2009. Television.

^ a b "Opposite Day." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. September 11, 1999. Television.

^ SpongeBob SquarePants Annual 2014

^ SpongeBob SquarePants Character Guide

^ Audio Commentary for "Sleepy Time"

^ The Absorbing Tale Behind The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie - Rodger Bumpass: "He's an octopus, but they call him 'Squidward' I have never understood-- I guess Octoword just didn't work for a name."

^ Case of the Sponge "Bob" - Hillenburg: "This is Squidward the octopus... I liked the octopus for this character because they have such a large, bulbous head."

^ "The Play's the Thing" - Squidward: (referring to his birth) "Onto this world, an octopus was born."

^ "Sweet and Sour Squid" - Plankton: (to Squidward) "Cut the comedy, octopus!"

^ "Patrick! The Game" - Squidward: "But I don't have a finbone! I'm an octopus!"

^ "Lame and Fortune" - Customer: (looking at Squidward) "The octopus with the big nose just spit in your food?!"

^ "Boating Buddies." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. August 7, 2008. Television.

^ "The Original Fry Cook." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. July 30, 2007. Television.

^ Truth or Square." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. November 6, 2009. Television.

^ "Squidville." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. April 28, 2001. Television.

^ "SB-129." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. December 31, 1999. Television.

^ On a calendar seen in the background of the chrome future, the date is stated to be March 6, 4017.

^ "Goodbye, Krabby Patty?"

^ Welcome to the Ocean Institute. ocean-institute.org. Retrieved on December 24, 2013.

^ a b c Wilson, Thomas F.(Interviewer); Hillenburg, Stephen (Interviewee) (May 29, 2012) (mp3). Big Pop Fun #28: Stephen Hillenburg, Artist and Animator–Interview (Podcast). Nerdist Industries. Archived from the original on December 21, 2013. https://www.webcitation.org/6M1QBJ1BZ?url=http://ec.libsyn.com/p/d/9/8/d98c6fd6cc81f188/BPF28_Stephen_Hillenburg_artist_and_animator.mp3?d13a76d516d9dec20c3d276ce028ed5089ab1ce3dae902ea1d01c08031d1c85f7cb2&c_id=4560686. Retrieved December 21, 2013.

^ a b c Hillenburg, Stephen (2003). The Origin of SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants: The Complete First Season (DVD). Paramount Home Entertainment.

^ a b >Banks, Steven (September 24, 2004). SpongeBob Exposed! The Insider's Guide to SpongeBob SquarePants, Gregg Schigiel (Illustrator), New York City, New York: Simon Spotlight/Nickelodeon, 9. ISBN 978-0-689-86870-2.

^ Murray, Joe (2003). The Origin of SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants: The Complete First Season (DVD). Paramount Home Entertainment.

^ Lisa (Kiczuk) Trainor interviews Joe Murray, creator of Rocko's Modern Life," The Rocko's Modern Life FAQ

^ a b c Hillenburg, Stephen. (March 1, 2005). The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (Case of the Sponge "Bob") (DVD). Paramount Home Entertainment/Nickelodeon.

^ Waller, Vincent. "The Oral History of SpongeBob SquarePants", Hogan's Alley #17, Bull Moose Publishing Corporation. Retrieved on September 21, 2012.

^ a b Bumpass, Rodger. (March 1, 2005). The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (The Absorbing Tale Behind The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie) (DVD). Paramount Home Entertainment/Nickelodeon.

^ Hutchins, Jeff. "The Oral History of SpongeBob SquarePants", Hogan's Alley #17, Bull Moose Publishing Corporation. Retrieved on September 21, 2012.

^ a b c Kenny, Tom. "The Oral History of SpongeBob SquarePants", Hogan's Alley #17, Bull Moose Publishing Corporation. Retrieved on September 21, 2012.

^ a b Drymon, Derek. "The Oral History of SpongeBob SquarePants", Hogan's Alley #17, Bull Moose Publishing Corporation.

^ Wilson, Thomas F. (Interviewer); Lawrence, Doug (Interviewee) (April 2012) (mp3). Big Pop Fun #22: Mr. Lawrence (Podcast). Nerdist Industries. Archived from the original on March 29, 2014. https://www.webcitation.org/6OQnV9e4n?url=http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/8/0/b/80ba5601f7d09e93/BPF22_Mr._Lawrence.mp3?c_id=4442198&expiration=1396087344&hwt=77616525493ac25efba1ba04f5cd6efc. Retrieved December 21, 2013.

^ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iAZweZPR7Y

^ a b c Reardon, Samantha (September 8, 2013). Rodger Bumpass is Squidward Tentacles. The Signal. Archived from the original on March 28, 2014. Retrieved on March 28, 2014.

^ Osborne, Kent. "The Oral History of SpongeBob SquarePants", Hogan's Alley #17, Bull Moose Publishing Corporation. Retrieved on September 21, 2012.

^ Kenny, Tom. (March 1, 2005). The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (The Absorbing Tale Behind The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie) (DVD). Paramount Home Entertainment/Nickelodeon.

^ id="Reference-Brown-2008">Brown, Arthur (2008). Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Cartoons!. Arthur Brown, 85. ISBN 978-1-4357-3248-3.

^ https://twitter.com/VincentWaller72/status/675706024859340800

^ Squidward Tentacles/appearances

^ Little Rock native who voices Squidward talks 20 years of 'SpongeBob Squarepants' (July 12, 2019). Retrieved on May 24, 2020.

^ "Restraining SpongeBob." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. DATE. Television.

^ "Once Bitten." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. September 29, 2006. Television.

^ "Feral Friends." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. DATE. Television.

^ "A Place for Pets." SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon. DATE. Television.

^ https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EME592CX0AYMT_x.jpg

^ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3ThGLUmKc0

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someguynamedstevewrites · 4 years

Text

My Roommate is an Apparition: WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A DAD - Part 2

Based on characters created by @reddpenn

————————————-

Oh man, am I late on posting this. So many things going on. Not to mention figuring out how to follow up the first part.

It seems people really like the first-person narration from “A-Pink-Ciation of Culture”, so I went with that again with this piece.

Almost DAILY, I get likes or re-blogs and the occasional follower despite not having posted anything since March. I’m very curious and would like to hear from you readers about what you like about my writing and what appeals to you. Eventually, I want to make a living off of writing, but until that time, I definitely could use any and all feedback.

Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, on with the story!

From the Diary of Lily, March 1st, 2020:

Okay, diary, I’m coming to you because I honestly have no idea where else to go to try and sort through the evening I just had with my Dad and Tulpa. I can’t put my finger on it, but something about tonight just... bothers me! It’s like I’m on pins and needles and can’t stop thinking about, well, a LOT of stuff. Just... hear me out and maybe it’ll make sense if I put this all down on paper (I.E. You). I just spent the last twenty minutes trying to talk things through out loud, but that got me nowhere so here goes nothing:

First off, my Dad came to visit a week earlier than what I had planned, and immediately sets up shop in my living room with his NES and copy of Castlevania III. Only problem was I hadn’t talked with Tulpa about his visit since I was expecting him until NEXT weekend. I kept thinking that the last thing I wanted was for anything weird to happen during his visit.

Which, looking back on it, was a really stupid thing to worry about.

I mean, Dad’s a pretty open-minded guy and he’s quite weird himself. He’s actually quite proud of his weirdness (embarrassing as it is sometimes). He tends to under-react to all kinds of things like it’s no big deal. I’ve even asked him why he doesn’t freak out about some of the stuff he comes across in real life or on TV, and he just tells me, “I’ve seen weirder.” (If some of the stories he’s told me are true, then he has. He really, REALLY has!)

For example: if Tulpa had come into the room holding a... I dunno, a plate or something, like would that really freak my Dad out? Pfft, No! He (maybe?) wouldn’t see her, all he’d see was a “flying saucer” (he deliberately would make that lame pun too), and then get back to his game. Then later, he’d try and tell me about the real flying saucers he saw years ago, or something.

Since I had assumed that Dad wouldn’t have been able to see her, it eventually clicked in my head that what I was actually worrying about was, “what would Tulpa think of my Dad?” He’s a huge Goofus that likes to make bad jokes, tell tall tales, and play video games! And even if he did weird her out, it’s not like she could go anywhere... right? I mean, she might avoid interacting with me because of him, but...

Oh...

Oh wow...

I just read what I just wrote and I can not believe I was being THAT irrational! ( Man, people are stupid sometimes; me included!)

Avoid me because of my DAD!? That’s gotta be the dumbest thing I’ve ever thought! It’s not like he LIVES here or anything! He’s not the one paying the rent; I am! And... I’ve gotten to know Tulpa pretty well these past few months, but... I guess I still have a lot more to learn about her. Case in point:

————————————-

So Tulpa tells me that she wants to meet my Dad, and after coming to my senses somewhat, I say she can sit in so long as she doesn’t touch anything (see flying saucer explanation above). A few minutes later, she walks in looking like the tall girl from Keep Your Hands off Eizouken (I had to look the name up; I couldn’t remember it for the life of me). By that I mean, she’s coming in as a tall, lanky, skinny, somewhat pale skinned girl looking to be about my age. She’s wearing some modest clothes and, if I’m being honest with myself, they looked kind of cute in that outfit they had on. It was a nice ensemble.

Then Dad says “Hi” to her.

...

Let me repeat that in case it hasn’t clicked with you yet.

My Dad GREETED her!

He! SAW! Her!

When I asked her about it later, she said to me that she thought that since he’s my Dad, then whatever it is that allows me to see her could be something my Dad has too. So far, her theory has been proven right, but... I’m not one-hundred percent sure, because Tulpa... well... she changed.

And I’m being literal here, too! She no longer had that transparency to her like usual. She had a nose! She had ears! She had five fingers! And she looked...

...well...

...good.

Tulpa said she had never tried doing this before, but figured that in the off-chance that her hunch was correct, she wanted to make a good impression on my Dad. (Why do I keep thinking about that old joke in movies and TV shows about the overprotective Dad that threatens the boy about to go on a date with their daughter?) She even went so far as to create her own “clothes”, saying she knew they’d be important. Considering that she doesn’t wear (or need) clothes any other time, I ask her how she came to that conclusion. I still have no idea what she meant when she suddenly bellowed out, “GOOD...! GRIEF...! HE’S...! NAKED!”

[Edit: It’s from Spongebob, because of course it was.]

So I’m not sure if Dad could see her because she purposely made herself opaque, or if he would have been able to see her if she wasn’t in her human “disguise” (and yes, I’m calling it a disguise and I’ll explain why a bit later, okay?). But either way, she walks in and my Dad just starts chatting away like so:

————————————-

“Hi there! You must be Lily’s roommate!” says Dad.

At this point, I’m kind of frozen solid on the couch, just watching and listening as everything unfolds in front of me like it’s being burned into my retinas. You know that saying about slow-motion train wrecks? Y’know, about how you can’t look away from them? This is probably why I remember the conversation so well.

“Heh...Hello,” she responds back nervously.

“I’m Lily’s Dad,” he says as if it wasn’t obvious, “Hope you don’t mind if we play some games out here.”

Tulpa shakes her head and stutters out, “No...N-not at all.”

“Great!” Dad responded with a smile that said, “Even if it was bothering you, I’m still going to take up the TV and play video games. So nyeh!” I’ve lived with him long enough to know that he’s not someone who would give up the TV without a fight.

(...gee... that kind of reminds me of someone now that I think about it...)

Tulpa then asks, “M-mind if... I watch?”

Dad gives her this big, goofy smile and responds with a, “Sure thing!” since despite him never admitting to it, he always liked having an audience around when he played games (or almost anything really) in hopes of “schooling” them. (Why he didn’t go into teaching, I will never understand.)

As soon as Dad turns back to his game and un-pauses it, Tulpa smiled, sat back, and looked content (Although it was a little weird seeing her smile with a nose to go along with it.) This snaps me out of my stupor long enough to scootch over to Tulpa and chat with her.

“You actually want to watch him play?” I ask her once more because the mere thought that she’d be interested in something outside of cartoons still hadn’t registered in my head, yet.

“Yeah...” she says as she starts to stare at the screen like she usually does during her cartoon time. “...sounded... familiar,” she said before looking up slightly while lost in thought, “...Simon... Belmont... Mega... Man... Kid... Icarus...” she said again as though that meant something. To me it just sounded almost like some kind of madness mantra, but...

“Oh! You mean Captain N: The Game Master!” my Dad chimed in out of seemingly nowhere.

“YES!” Tulpa said with excitement (worth noting that she doesn’t look excited very often, but when she does, she practically glows). “I remember...” she said before pausing to collect her thoughts and form the words she wanted to say. If I could have, I would have warned her about my Dad’s tendency to pounce on any hesitation in a conversation to take it over.

“Man, I haven’t seen Captain N in decades,” he said wistfully, “Surprised someone young as you remembers it. I was in High School when that show came on! When did you see it?”

“Ummm...” she hesitated, “...reruns... when I was... a kid.”

(As I’m writing this down now, I realize she was trying to hide her actual age from Dad. She looked to be in her early twenty’s like I was, but if she said she saw it when it came on the air originally, that’d make her over thirty years old at least.)

“Ahhhh! I see you have good taste in reruns!” Dad complimented.

“Th-thank you,” she stuttered back. As I listened to the awkward conversation of father-roommate bonding, I found my eyes constantly turning towards Tulpa. Not out of adoration or anything, but more like... studying her.

————————————-

On the one hand, she looked like the Tulpa that I had known ever since she became my roommate months ago. But on the other hand, they somehow weren’t. It’s kind of like when someone changes their looks a bit for maybe, I dunno, a night on the town, a job interview, a wedding, or something else along those lines. Only in her case, “dressing up” meant adding additional body parts she didn’t normally have.

(To be honest, I’m still not entirely sure what to think about that...)

I’ve always been a firm believer of people being themselves, and being allowed to be themselves. I can’t stand situations where people are unable to truly express themselves or feel comfortable. Way I see it, life is too short to be spent worrying over stupid stuff that makes people miserable just so they can come off as normal.

Sometimes it’s because of social norms and expectations; those unspoken rules of life that people are supposed to just magically “know”. Like if someone was going to a church or temple service, social norms say they need to wear their “Sunday Best” with stiff, itchy clothes that are dry clean only. If I was able to go to a sermon wearing a baggy college sweatshirt, sweatpants, and slippers, and NOT be judged like I’m some kind of crazy hobo, it would have definitely made something like that more appealing to me.

Now I have nothing against anyone that likes to dress up in fancy clothes and wear them out and about; I mean, everyone likes different things, right? The point is that if I’m going to do something that makes me uncomfortable, it should be because I wanted to do it for myself. I don’t think I should bend over backwards making myself feel bad (physically or mentally) for someone else’s sake. Sure, call me selfish if you must, but I just can’t advocate for doing something that makes you feel bad because you wanted someone else to feel good.

I’m just thankful no one in my family has ever tried to push anything on me. Sure, they’ve suggested things to me before, and of course made sure I didn’t do something stupid that would injure me or worse when I was too young to know better. But overall, my family has given me a lot of freedom to do what I want, dress how I want, and be who I want to be. Now that I think about it, I’m kind of lucky that way.

(I hope I’m making sense on this. Re-reading this, I’m not entirely sure if I do.)

————————————-

Anyway, I’m looking at Tulpa and watching them carefully, trying to figure out if they were comfortable looking like that or not. She’s just sitting there watching my Dad play Castlevania III, and he was now on the haunted pirate ship with Trevor and Sypha. He was breezing through at a pretty good pace and sharing an anecdote about how Warren Ellis figuratively gave him the “Turd Cape of Shame” on this old message board back when the Castlevania series on Netflix was just an idea back in 2007. (I still am not entirely sure if that story is true or not.)

“Hey Lily,” Dad asks suddenly out of the blue, “got anything to drink?” I offer him some lemonade, he accepts, and I go to the kitchen to pour him a glass. As I’m doing this, I hear Dad ask Tulpa, “By the way, I don’t think I caught your name. What was it again?”

“...Tulpa...” she says back to him.

My body freezes up for a moment as I realized that “Tulpa” is not an ordinary name. I mean the first time she told me her name, it sounded like some kind of Pokémon. Once again, that irrational fear of my Dad being weirded out or something enters my head, but is dispelled almost immediately.

“Tulpa?” my Dad says aloud to himself, “That’s a very interesting name.”

“T-Thank you...” she says back.

I walk in with a glass of pink lemonade and set it down on a little, folding TV dinner stand that was given to me when I first moved out for college. I slowly sit back down again as I keep an eye on Dad. His facial expression is the same as usual: relaxed. You could call it a poker face, but I’ve seen him play poker and he is BAD at poker.

“Anyone in your family Buddhist?” my Dad asks casually.

I step in, “Dad! What kind of a question is that!?” And I meant what I said too. Who even asks something like that!?

“I was just wondering,” he says before once again shutting up and focusing on his game.

This is one of the things about my Dad that bugs me to no end: he likes to be cagey sometimes. He’ll say something vague with the sole purpose of making the other person curious, confused, or both. It leaves, like, questions in the back of your head that just start gnawing at your brain and won’t stop chewing away at your gray matter until you finally ask him to explain what the heck he was talking about. He does this on purpose to “bait” people into asking him questions or to continue with what he’s saying. So annoying!

I sigh, “Why’s that, Dad?”

He gives a little smile and continues, “Oh it’s just that this isn’t the first time I’ve heard the name “Tulpa” before, that’s all.”

NOW he has my total undivided attention and Tulpa’s too as we both unconsciously lean forward. Practically in sync, we both say, “It’s not!?”

He’s still smiling as he says, “Nope. First time I heard that name was when I was doing some monster research for a Castlevania Wiki I had been working on a while back.”

Tulpa practically gulps, “M-M-Monster...?”

“Well not really a monster,” he says back, “more like... a supernaturally, artificially created person.”

(There are some times when my Dad can be down right spooky and creepy. This was one of those times.)

Full Metal Alchemist immediately pops into my head, and without even hesitating, I ask, “Like a Homunculus?”

“Nah, more like...” he says before pausing his game and turning to Tulpa and I, “...an imaginary friend.” Tulpa and I both tilt our heads in confusion. Dad picks up on this and by now, he is practically glowing at this opportunity to share some weird thing he just happens to know something about.

He explains, “So there’s this word in Tibetan called “Sprul-Pa” which means “Manifestation”, okay? And in early Buddhism, this is used as the explanation for how Gautama Buddha could travel to heavenly realms and come back again. You could say he created a clone of himself in the other realm and then transmitted his consciousness to it from his body on Earth. Kind of like a-”

By now, Tulpa and I were clearly on the same wavelength as she asks, “a Shadow Clone!?” at the exact same time I was thinking of it. Believe it!

Dad’s silent for a moment as he thinks to himself before finally going, “...uhhh... I guess... you could say that. I was thinking “Dream Body” but I suppose a shadow clone could work too.” My Dad used to watch Naruto with me on Toonami years ago, so he knew full well what a shadow clone was.

He turns to face us as he continues talking, “The thing with a Tulpa is that it’s something made from nothing. A Homunculus, using your example, Lily, requires having the materials necessary to make an artificial being on hand before you can create them. But a Tulpa is willed into existence out of nothingness. It is created from the thoughts of the creator; known as a “Thoughtform” in some cases.”

(WHEN did my Dad even learn this stuff!?)

“The difference between a Tulpa and an imaginary friend,” my Dad continued to say, “is that while an imaginary friend is just that, someone that exists in your imagination, a Tulpa is made when someone’s thoughts are so strong that they will their imaginary friend into existence.”

I look over at Tulpa, and she is totally absorbed in what my Dad’s saying.

“Now from what I’ve read...” Oh my God, Dad! What have you even been reading!? “...it’s very difficult for one person alone to have enough psychic power to will a sentient being into creation. But if you had enough people thinking the same thing, and thinking about it hard enough, then, hypothetically, a Tulpa could be created.”

“So what you’re saying is if enough people think Bigfoot is real, then they can actually make it real just by believing in them?” I snark.

“Yeah, pretty much,” my Dad replies without detecting my snark at all.

“Or like...” Tulpa chimes in, “...how Tinkerbell is saved... by believing in fairies and... clapping hands?” I was a bit surprised Tulpa knew that since I couldn’t recall Disney’s Peter Pan having that scene in it.

Dad thinks about it for a moment, and then goes, “Hmmmmm... yeah! That too, I suppose.”

Right about then, Dad gets a notification on his phone. He pulls it out, looks at it, gets a somewhat serious look on his face, and then stands up and says, “Hey, I gotta make a phone call real quick. Mind if I...” he trails off.

“Yeah, sure thing, Dad,” I say back. He heads down the hallway to the guest bedroom and closes the door as he makes his call. It’s now just Tulpa and me in the living room, and we were both feeling super awkward. I turn to Tulpa and say, “So... did you know anything about all that?”

Tulpa shook her head, “N-n-no. First time I... I ever heard of... of it.” I could tell she was feeling nervous. She had started stuttering pretty badly.

All this time, I knew Tulpa was an apparition, but I never thought about what kind of apparition she was. It never really dawned on me that an apparition could have an origin story. With Tulpa, she was just... kind of there for me, and I never really questioned it. Her being her somehow felt, I dunno... “natural”, I guess.

I never thought I really needed to learn more about Tulpa, anyway. I mean, outside of the occasional mischief, Tulpa was perfectly harmless. Worst thing she ever did was the Pinkening (still don’t know how she did that), but that was partly on me because I was being a big dummy. Overall, she’s always been friendly, kind, and fun to be around, and that‘s always been good enough for me.

“You, uh...” I start to say, “...want to talk about it later?” Tulpa looks ahead of her kind of blankly, and I immediately add, “It’s okay if you don’t want to, Tulpa, I just-“

“Talk about what?” She asks, now looking at me kind of confused.

“About...” I trail off as I try to find the right words, “...about what my Dad just said and about... I dunno... where you came from?”

Tulpa clearly hadn’t thought about it before. She leaned back against the couch and audibly sighed (I think that was the first time I ever heard them sigh!), before saying, “I... don’t know... Lily...”

“Don’t know where you came from, or don’t know if you want to talk about it?” I asked her.

She thought for a moment before saying, “Both...”

I wanted to say something more to her, maybe give them some kind of reassurance, but I just couldn’t as long as my Dad was here! The frustration of wanting to talk about something with someone, but not being able to because of other people being around, is just AGONIZING! If only Dad would hurry up and leave, but when he says he’s going to beat a video game, he’s going to beat a video game. Problem was he hadn’t even made it to Dracula’s Castle yet, so who knew how much longer it would be?

Then Dad comes back in and says, “Hey, sorry about this, but I need to get going.”

HAAAAAALLEJUAH!!!

“Oh sweet merciful powers that be, THANK YOU! “ I thought to myself. I was worried things were going to get all cringy like a bad self-insert fanfic. “Aww, that’s too bad,” I fibbed out of politeness. I mean, he’s my Dad and I love him and all, but... y’know...

“Yeah, I got a call from work and they need me to help out with something. ‘Fraid I have to cut my visit short, Lily.” My Dad powered off the Nintendo system and began packing it up. But then he suddenly stopped, looked up, then looked back at me and said, “Hey, you want to borrow my NES for a bit!?”

Dad suddenly leaving to take care of something for work happens every now and then, so that was no big surprise. But Dad suddenly saying he has to leave to take care of something and leave his NES in MY care!? THAT scared the pants off me!

“Oh my God, Dad... you’re not dying are you!?” I ask with a half-serious tone.

“What!? No! What gave you that idea!?” He shoots back.

“Because that’s the NES you’ve had ever since you were a kid! You have NEVER let anyone else look after it! EVER!” I remind him because it is one-hundred percent true.

His lame-sauce excuse was: “Hey, both of your uncles used to look after it!”

And then I remind him, “That’s because you all lived in the same house with grandma and grandpa! Y’know, because you were all kids and everything!”

“They still took care of it,” he pouts.

“Only after they sneaked into your room, de-hooked it, and snuck it over to their room! You know I’ve heard the stories at the family gatherings!, right?” This is all completely true.

————————————-

My Dad is the oldest of three, and at family gatherings, like around Thanksgiving, he and my uncles used to tell as many embarrassing stories about each other as possible like they were trying to one-up each other. Like, “Hey, remember that time you stuck a LEGO tire up your nose and had to go to the Emergency Room?”

And my uncle’s all like, “I WAS FOUR!”

Good times....

...now where was I?

Oh right! Why leaving the Nintendo was a big deal!

————————————-

“C’mon, Dad,” I plead, “The only way I can see you willingly giving away your Nintendo, even if just for a little while, would be if you were on your death bed and filling out your last will and testament. So go on, spill it, what’s up with that?”

My Dad just had this look of offense on his face like I had seriously wounded him with my words. “I am NOT that overprotective of it!”

“Yes you are.”

“Okay, I am,” he admits way too quickly, “but I just thought that you having it might be a good idea in case you finally get some free time coming up. Best way to enjoy it is to play it, after all.”

I chuckle, “Dad, the only way work is going to give me enough time off to sit on my butt and play video games is if some horrible catastrophe caused the art store to shut down. Like, I dunno, a deadly virus or something.”

[EDIT, APRIL 12th, 2020: ME AND MY BIG FAT MOUTH!

AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!]

Dad chuckles and say, “Yeah... you got a point there. Still, I think between you and your roommate, you’re both responsible adults now who can get some enjoyment out of it. I’m sure I can trust you two to take good care of it,” he says before raising an eyebrow, “or is there some reason I shouldn’t leave it here!?”

“Relax! We can look after it, Dad. Nothing’s going to happen to it,” I say as I whip my head back so fast it could have made a sonic boom. Just as I suspected, there was Tulpa sitting down in front of the Nintendo about ready to poke it with her finger. “Isn’t that right, Tulpa?” I say while looking straight at her.

“Y-yes...” she mutters.

Dad smiles at the two of us and then suddenly, out of the blue, he gives me this big ole bear hug and pats me on the back! It’s the same kind of hug he gave me on my first day at school, when I was leaving for summer camp, and when I moved into my freshman dorm for college. It was the kind of reassuring hug that says everything is going to be fine. “Ohhhhhhh, look at you growing up and being all responsible! I’m so proud of you, Lily!”

“Dad! Can’t breath, Dad!” I say before he finally lets go.

“Oh yeah, tomorrow, when you get a chance, make sure to pick up a couple packages of toilet paper,” he says casually, “your bathroom’s running low and now would be a good time to stock up.”

[EDIT April 12th, 2020: HE FREAKING KNEW!

HOW!?!?!?]

“Thanks for the tip, Dad,” I respond before saying the thing that led to my Dad saying the other thing that would make my brain do somersaults for the next few hours and ultimately come to you, dear diary, “What brought up that little nugget of wisdom? Dad-ly Intuition?” (Yes, that pun was intentional.)

“Well I’ve always considered myself to be a little psychic here and there,” he says about twenty-three seconds before the door closes and forty-five seconds before my face faults, “and you’ve always been a little psychic too, haven’t yah?”

“Sure Dad, I’ll catch you later,” I say waving goodbye.

“Take care, Lily! Keep in touch! Love you, sweetie!” he calls back as he’s walking into the hallway heading out,

“Love you too, Dad” I say as I close the door and lock the deadbolt. With that family obligation out of the way, I was feeling much better not having to worry about next weekend, not having to worry about Tulpa and Dad, and could just chill and relax and-

It was right about then that my eyes shot wide open as I stared ahead of me at nothing in particular. The gears in my head started turning faster and faster as the past few months living here started to tie together. Tulpa looks at me, slightly concerned. She’s still in her “disguise”, but looks genuinely concerned. She waves her hand it front of me and my mind is working at warp speed, so it doesn’t even register.

“Are you... okay... Lily?” she asks.

I slowly turn to look her in the eye, and then ask her flat out:

“Am I Psychic!?”

#my roommate is an apparition #reddpenn

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funky-boat-zone · 3 years

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the lighthouse chronicles: part 4/??

taking my turn

this is not to be confused with “taking off”. knowing the difference won’t save your life, but it’ll save you some confusion.

this is the episode with steamer/johnny cuba, which means that this is one of those episodes where the original context unfairly colors my view of it. for example, my immediate reaction was “zb, get the hell away from steamer, he wants to hurt you”

also i think i dislike steamer more than johnny? at least with johnny you’re supposed to hate him. steamer’s a mopey mess who assumes the worst of the other vessels, initially relies entirely on zb to try making friends, tries sneaking into the harbor to make friends even when cappy is telling him not to, and injures cappy when he tries to stop him from coming into the harbor!

yes salty’s lighthouse, it was completely an accident when steamer hit cappy. i believe you (/s)

and now steamer is bringing up that the harbor is off-limits for him when cappy is in serious danger and only decides to go for help when cappy points out the obvious fact that this is an emergency. i’ve had enough of this dude.

steamer’s va sounds like he was yelling into a pillow when he recorded the part where steamer calls for help.

sometimes i wonder if “zb” is a nickname or if it’s because the zero fleet can’t read his name properly. trust me, i have some evidence that the zero fleet are illiterate.

“he wants to know if he can be your new first mate! after me, of course” zb that’s not healthy, someone please get him the hell away from steamer (/hj)

backwards day

this is a whole episode of the editors playing existing footage backwards and narrating it. i’m sure they were having fun, but i am not.

also spongebob did the “opposite/backwards day” thing better.

proof that zip and zug can’t read: they repainted zorran’s name backwards. yes, i know it’s just because the footage is mirrored, i mean in-universe.

also why is ten cents calling zorran’s hull his “boat”? that’d be like me scraping my knee and saying “ow, my human”.

i kind of love the dramatic music playing as the tugs just tell dumb jokes.

oh hey, they finally called little ditcher by name

wait, how the hell are the tugs narrating these reversed clips if they can’t see what’s happening?

also this episode’s gimmick of reversing existing footage doesn’t really work when the show does the same thing in the regular episodes

sl!captain star confirmed to have the ability to manipulate gravity

banana splits

zug. stop singing, or so help me i will take back every word of praise i gave you for being a funny gremlin man.

“tell me this isn’t happening- it happened.” okay, zug. you’re off the hook for now, because that was actually kind of funny.

i love how zorran thinks he can fire zug when that’s neither his right nor something he can do. zug gets back to his job at the end of the episode, but imagine being zero here. you ask your tugs why one of them’s missing and your most trusted tug just says “he screwed up, so i fired him”

i still can’t get over zip’s voice, i’m sorry-

oh god, don’t drag boomer into this

it’s too late.

“no matter what job he took, something always went wrong or caught on fire” au where boomer’s jinx is that stuff just abruptly catches fire when he’s in the vicinity

ten cents is telling this story like zip and zug don’t know boomer.. even though zug’s in the flashback. why couldn’t they just use footage from “jinxed” that didn’t include them?

also boomer’s voice is literally identical to zug’s, so this is one confusing flashback

ten cents’ story says boomer got turned into a vacation boat when the sl version of “jinxed” has boomer stay a tug.. i can’t believe i’m pointing out continuity problems in salty’s lighthouse. by all accounts, it’s not worth it

i like to think zorran’s apologizing and praising zug because zero found out and told zorran that he doesn’t have the authority to fire anyone

zug, you’re back on my shitlist for ending the episode by singing.

clear the decks

another racing episode? okay ig

why spend all this time explaining the race’s rules when the footage onscreen probably won’t match it anyway?

“we’re one tug short of a relay team” so if zak blew a gasket, why is he still at the zero docks? ffs zero, at least get him to the yard instead of making him listen to rules about a race he can’t participate in

zero’s holding onto a few shreds of his original characterization, but that almost makes it worse tbh

the fact that the zero fleet don’t know what “z-e-r-o” spells all but confirms my theory that they’re illiterate (with the possible exception of zorran, since he didn’t participate in the team cheer)

the race is just a bunch of clumsily-edited, out-of-context clips with the narration frantically trying to make it appear coherent

i kinda love how the show’s trying to push a message of “friendship and teamwork! :D” and zero’s still clearly salty about his fleet losing

#the lighthouse chronicles #shitpost #reaction tag

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tempesrature · 4 years

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Of The Standard Of Taste: Logan and Memes

Pairing: Ride or Die | Ellie x Logan Summary: Logan has a terrible taste in memes and Ellie wants to help him. (A very loose continuation of Communication Degree. But if you don’t want to read that, all you need to know is Ellie and Logan live together and Ellie has a Professor that she hates.) Word Count: 1,924 Warnings: None. Just the buffoonery that I come up with. This is terrible and self-indulgent because I just want some stupid domestic fluff for my two idiots. A/N: I feel like Logan’s relevant character flaw has to be that he’s probably not too knowledgeable with pop culture and memes (on the run most of his life, has no real need for it, etc) so...here you go. I also reread Hume’s “Of The Standard of Taste” just in case I get into a tussle with Philosophy nerds over my usage of the title (you can fight me but I’ll lose, I didn’t understand much). Also, please forgive me for my poor editing, I may be a millennial but I run on boomer batteries. Happy RoDAW everyone! @rodappreciationweek @troublemakerinspace ~*~

In the silent space of the Langston library, Ellie’s phone pings on her desk and her eyes flit to the device. The name on her screen immediately pulls a wide smile on her lips as she picks up the phone and checks to see what he has sent her. Once she sees the picture, her face falls and she immediately groans before she puts the phone back on her desk.

“Woah, bad news?”

Ellie turns to look at Brooke, her friend and partner for the paper they’re currently working on, before Ellie shakes her head with a small sigh.

“It’s Logan.”

Brooke furrows her eyebrows, squinting lightly at Ellie. “And that’s bad because…?”

Ellie sighs before she picks up her phone and hands it to Brooke. Brooke raises a curious eyebrow before she takes the phone and looks at the screen. Her face morphs into a string of emotions—shock, laughter, cringe—before it settles into pity. “The boy’s taste in memes are terrible.”

“It’s not his fault,” Ellie quickly defends, taking the phone back and staring at the picture that Logan sent her.

“It’s his first Pictagram account and he’s still figuring things out,” Ellie explains as she gives his picture a heart. “You know, developing his standard of taste.”

“From what? The 2010’s?” Brooke cackles as she takes Ellie’s phone, scrolling up their conversation before she bursts into muffled chuckles. “Look at your replies! ‘That’s great baby, it’s really funny’, you sound like his mom!”

Ellie scowls and snatches back her phone, putting it face down on the desk. “He’s trying okay? I think it’s sweet that he sends me memes he finds funny.”

“Uh huh, keep telling yourself that,” Brooke snickers before she rolls her eyes at the annoyed look on Ellie’s face. “El, just like…send him better memes. It’s not that hard.”

“I tried!” Ellie groans again, pushing her fingers to her temple as she stares at the wooden surface of the desk in dismay. “But memes nowadays need so much context! How will he understand when he’s still catching up on so much of pop culture—” Ellie pauses, an idea swirling in her mind. “Unless…”

“Unless what?” Brooke frowns, furrowing her eyebrows. She is scarily aware of Ellie’s face when she starts to plot. “Unless what El?”

“I have an idea,” Ellie declares, quickly gathering her things and dumping them into her backpack as she grabs her phone off of the table. “I’ll send you my part tonight, bye!”

Ellie quickly throws a wave goodbye at the confused looking Brooke as she heads back to the apartment before Logan arrives. Her mind already turning and plotting on how she’ll efficiently enact her plan.

~*~

Logan carefully balances the bag of groceries in one arm as he walks up the stairs, his eyes glued to his phone. He knows he should be more careful, Ellie has already chastised him about using his phone while walking up the stairs to their apartment, but he finds it difficult to pull his eyes away from the endless scroll of memes on his Pictagram feed. Many of which he’s already saved because he plans to send them to Ellie sometime tomorrow during his break.

Logan gives one last double tap of his phone screen to a particularly funny meme when he reaches the door of their apartment before he places his phone in his back pocket. He moves the grocery bag to his other arm before fishing out his keys and inserting it into the doorknob. He hasn’t even fully opened the door when he hears Ellie calling out his name from the living room. A smile pulls at his lips at the sound. Even if it’s been months, he still can’t shake the feeling of utter content at the reality of her waiting for him in their apartment. A scenario he’s only ever imagined in his most indulgent dreams.

“Just a sec trouble. I’m taking off my shoes,” He calls out toeing his sneakers off and kicking it to the side before he walks to the living room with a wide grin. Ellie excitedly greets him with a hug and he easily returns it with a one arm hug.

“Welcome back,” She greets, leaning up to kiss his cheek before she takes the grocery bag in his arm and whisks it away to the small kitchenette in their apartment.

Logan follows behind her, the wide grin still present on his face, as he leans on the refrigerator. He silently watches her place the bag on the counter, start to pull out the groceries and flit by cabinets and shelves to put away the cans and bottles. His heart feels full and sated, the picture of her seeming to bring about emotions that’s both strange and welcomed. Strange in a way that he never thought that this could be his life and welcomed in way that he’s grateful that this is his life.

Ellie pulls out the carton of milk and turns to him, grinning in amusement at the soft and warm look so prominent on his face. An expression she’s seen on him a multitude of times in the time they’ve started living together. She quickly shoos him away from the refrigerator door and Logan merely chuckles as he moves away, placing a passing kiss to her temple before he makes his way to the living room.

His eyes immediately latch on to the papers and books scattered on the coffee table (not an unusual sight) as her laptop lay on the center of the couch. He gently pushes the laptop to the side, careful not to accidentally move anything from its original place as he drops down on the couch and pulls out his phone.

“Are you making another report for Professor Hardass, El?” Logan calls out, absentmindedly scrolling through his Pictagram feed.

“Huh? Oh…no. Actually,” Ellie answers back before she walks back into the living room. She grabs her laptop, balancing it on one hand, as she scrolls up and starts the presentation. “It’s for you.”

Logan pauses before he looks up at her in confusion, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Me?”

“Yes,” Ellie plops down next to him and sets her laptop on his lap, angling the screen to him as the title ‘Important Points in the History of Pop Culture and its Relevance on Memes’ flashes in big black text and stares back at him.

Logan blinks once, twice. His brain frying as he tries to decipher what she just presented him. “I don’t understand Ellie.”

Ellie nods, expecting this reaction before she clears her throat. Her voice takes on the tone she always uses when she presents her reports as she starts the plan that she has been preparing for since she arrived in the apartment three hours ago.

“You see Logan, I love you and I care about you a lot—”

“—this sounds like a break up speech.”

“And,” Ellie emphasizes with a grin, lightly hitting his arm as he looks back at her with a teasing smile. “And I want you to get a better sense of what memes are popular and funny right now.”

Logan opens his mouth, closes it and frowns. Finally picking up what she’s hinting on. “The memes I send you aren’t funny?”

“Oh baby they are,” She leans forward, placing gentle hand on his arm as she tries to keep her voice loving and sympathetic when she delivers the devastating truth. “But like…funny if its ten years ago.”

Logan blinks, pausing for a moment, before a burst of laughter escapes him. Ellie frowns at his reaction and he shakes his head, turning away from her as he muffles his laughter behind his hand. He really didn’t mean to laugh. But the image of his girlfriend, the love of his life, hunkering down and taking a considerable amount of her time and day just to create a presentation to teach him about memes of all things creates a feeling inside him that he’s never felt before.

In his most vulnerable and loneliest nights, he went through a list of the most domestic and romantic what-ifs with her—already resigned that they would never be his reality—that ranged from the simple to the ridiculous but sitting down on the couch of their apartment learning about memes through a PowerPoint presentation from her was something that never crossed his mind.

But somehow, this is the one that hits him the hardest. This is the one that makes him imagine a life beyond their tiny apartment. A house, a dog, kids’ maybe…all of it. If it’s with Ellie Wheeler, he’s ready to want it all.

“Okay troublemaker,” He finally says, turning back to her with a wide grin. “Or should I call you professor now?”

“Behave,” She admonishes playfully before she scoots closer to him and lays her head on his shoulder. He easily wraps one arm around her waist, his hand settling on her hips as he leans his head on top of hers and waits patiently for her presentation.

Ellie immediately launches into her first slide and Logan listens intently, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing nonsense circles on her skin over her pajamas.

As the minutes pass, it leaves him in awe at how much effort and love has gone into this presentation just for him. There are pictures, gifs, and videos all for him and he’s willing to admit that his feed seems to pale in comparison. She goes through the resilience of SpongeBob memes and the “rickroll”, the diversity of Kermit the frog memes, and the brief and fleeting existence of Vine memes. And she laughs and cringes at the particularly older ones and he laughs and takes note at the particularly funny ones as the late afternoon slowly stretches into evening.

By the end of it, she’s cuddled up next to him, her laptop laying open on top of her books on the coffee table, as they both scroll through a better array of pages for him to follow on Pictagram to broaden and expand his taste of memes. They laugh, talk, and tease each other under the dim lights of their tiny apartment and Logan can’t help but feel the kind of warmth and happiness that settle and seep right down to his bones.

~*~

Brooke bursts out in laughter but quickly clamps her mouth shut to avoid disturbing the other students in the library. “I can’t believe you did that! You gotta give me the file!”

Ellie smiles in triumph, crossing her arms in front of her as she leans back on her chair. “Laugh all you want. If it worked then I’m the real winner here.”

Brooke shakes her head in amusement, looking at Ellie with a teasing look. “If? So you haven’t seen the results yet?”

Ellie opens her mouth, ready to reply, when right on cue her phone pings on the desk next to her books. She picks it up when she sees the flash of his name on the screen and she smiles. Her eyes land on the latest picture he’s sent her, her heart squeezing in an ache so powerful she clutches the phone to her chest as she falls forward on the desk with a helpless groan and a silly smile. Brooke sees her reaction and chuckles before she reaches out her hand.

“Give me, I wanna see too.”

Ellie hands the phone to her and Brooke’s eyes land on the picture and she grimaces.

“Now he’s just being cheesy,” Brooke comments dryly.

“He’s too good,” Ellie laments helplessly, lifting her head off of the table with a huge grin. “I made him too powerful.”

Brooke rolls her eyes as she hands Ellie her phone back. “Can we please just finish this paper today?”

“Fine, fine,” Ellie takes her phone back and quickly types out a message and finds a photo before she hits send. She places the phone back on the desk and goes back to working on her part of the paper with a smile she can’t seem to wipe away even if she tried.

#rodaw #rod #logan x mc #logan x ellie #i wont sit on my high horse and mock logan #because i too unironically loved these memes in the past #choices rod #my writing

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starryevermore · 4 years

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creator tag game

rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

thank you for the tag @annab-nana and @reddesertcolbs!! 💜

I make a lot of different things so I’m gonna do 5 writings, 5 gifs, and 5 moodboards, and 5 miscellaneous 👀

FICS

when I was your man series

I really enjoyed this series, because it had a lot of angst but it also had a happy ending (even though it wasn’t the one people may have wanted).

the ghost of suite 613

This was so fun to write!! I loved Suite Life of Zack and Cody growing up, and this episode scared me so much when I was little. Finding a way to incorporate all of the different people in the friend group was so interesting, and I think I did pretty well since it was a last-minute decision to write it for Halloween 😂

the ethics of influencing

Not exactly a creative work, but I really enjoyed the finished product here. There’s a lot of influencers who don’t use their influence well, and I think this is quite evident over the course of the pandemic and the many obstacles we’ve encountered.

cultish behavior

This fic didn’t get a lot of love, but it’s one of my favorites. It was really fun trying to capture Jake’s personality and incorporate the prompt into the story, and I think it turned out really well in the end!

i hope

Another fic I decided to do last minute and I was really in my emotions when I did it 😂 In case you haven't noticed, I’m a slut for some good ole angst and this really scratched an itch I had. I’m not really a fan of fics where someone cheats but is forgiven + taken back, so I wanted to write something where the reader actually gave Colby a piece of her mind and I think it turned out good!

honorable mention: lots of cool shit coming in October 2021. I haven’t written them yet, but my favorite is Day 3 or Day 23!

GIFS

who the hell knows?

Oh this was so fun to make! I loved this scene in Eclipse, and I was on a serious Twilight kick at the time so I just had to make this into a gifset! It was difficult trying to figure out where to place the text and all that, but I’m really proud of what I made!

the saliva swap is an essential part of the ritual

Another difficult one to make, but seeing the finished product was so rewarding! It was hard to figure out to divide up each clip into a single gif, and captioning everything was a *fun time* lmao, but it still managed to be really fun to do!

HARRY WORKING OUT IN “SIDEMEN 80,000 CALORIES BATTLE”

I don’t know if y’all have noticed, but I’ve been on Harry kick recently so I really enjoyed this video and picking out which scenes to gif 🥵

the phone will ring and there will be no one there

Spongebob references + the Trap House? Nothing better 🥰

wah wah wah (ft. everlyte)

Ahh this was so fun!! It’s really simple, but it was one of my first attempts at adding a lil *spice* to my gifs!

honorable mention: the gifset coming Christmas Eve? y’all gonna be *in love*

MOODBOARDS

💙 HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATRINA!! 💙

I miss blue-haired Katrina so much, so this b-day moodboard was a bit of appreciating her old hair.

Amber Scholl as Morticia Addams 💀🖤🥀

I saw someone say that Amber looked like Morticia Addams when she dressed like this, so I had to make a moodboard for it and I really enjoyed trying to capture both Morticia’s and Amber’s aesthetics!

Colby Brock as Fred Jones 🕵🏻‍♂️

Honestly, all of the Scooby Doo moodboards were great but this is probably my favorite! It was fun to make, and I really enjoyed how in Paradise Island, they joked that Colby was Fred, so it made me feel really good about making Colby Fred (I bounced between Colby being Velma and Sam being Fred, but ultimately did it the other way around.)

mentally I’m here

I was in the middle of binging the Halloweentown movies when I made this moodboard. It’s relatively simple, but the vibes are *chef’s kiss*

red is sus 🔪

I made this on a whim after seeing the photos but holy shit I love it so much!!

honorable mention: the Hogwarts series coming in January? holy shit you’ll love it, it’s amazing

MISCELLANEOUS

Love for Hire, featured on the cover of Rolling Stone

This was so great to make! It was actually supposed to be more of a cherry red color, but when I uploaded it, it was turned more vintage-y which I liked even more!

soul full of sunshine ☀️

Ahh this was so fun! Soft!Colby is my kryptonite 🥺

love for hire lockscreens

I tried to make these sooo many times but PicsArt kept crashing and I lost my progress every time, so when I finally got them done, I was so happy! And it helped that the final product was better than the first attempt lmao

dream on, little dreamer

Another Soft!Colby edit lmaoo. I really enjoyed the pics I used, and I think everything worked together really well!

The Ultimate Sam and Colby Word Search

Another thing I made on a whim lmao. I was in the middle of procrastinating homework when I did this, and it took ages to get everything where I wanted it to be 😂

idk who’s done this already, but if you haven’t and want to, feel free to say that I tagged you!

#tag game #starrybrock #sam and colby #sam golbach #colby brock #jake webber #corey scherer #harry lewis #snc #xplr #amber scholl #love for hire

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foodbytesback · 3 years

Text

I Played Every Food Game in the Indie Bundle for Palestinian Aid

In light of increased violence by the Israeli military against Palestinian civilians, several game developers have to come together to create the Indie Bundle for Palestinian Aid. And with over 1,000 games (available at https://itch.io/b/902/indie-bundle-for-palestinian-aid until Friday for just $5, of which all profits go towards the United Nations Relief and Works Agency), it’s no surprise that there would be a handful of food-related games. So let’s take a look at them.

I did, however, omit a few. There were a couple of food-related text-based RPGs, which is ultimately not a medium that I’m familiar enough with to feel like I could talk about and do it justice (and also most of them required at least 2 players). “Breakfast Cult,” ended up being more about cult stuff than breakfast stuff, which was disappointing (for the purposes of this, anyway). A couple, upon extracting the .zip files, seemed to be files of all Unity assets and no actual game, and eventually I kinda stopped caring. Sorry if I missed any otherwise, I did my best to gleam through the over 1,000 titles in this bundle.

Ace Baker

You’re presented with a list of ingredients with names that don’t resemble any food known to man, and it’s up to you to throw things together in combinations that will result in something that resembles a baked good before your partner comes home from work. There are icons next to each item, which vaguely suggest what it is, but the whole point is to sort of work it out yourself. I was just barely able to get a Perfect Cake before running out of ingredients, after countless Acceptable and Dubious attempts.

The UI was simple but effective, and I was almost a little sad that the list of fake applications off to the side couldn’t actually be accessed. Most of the dialogue (which is very slim, and basically bookends the game) with your partner, Nora, would be clunky if it wasn’t so tongue-in-cheek about how Cyberpunk-y it’s trying to be. The repeated use of “shiny” immediately brings to mind that one Spongebob episode where everything in the future is chrome. The fact that the player character and their partner are both asexual (yes, that kind of “Ace” Baker) doesn’t seem to have much to do with anything at first, but it’s worth mentioning that this game was originally developed for an asexual game jam, so think of it as a game that started off as being about an asexual person and then they added the baking afterwards, rather than the other way around (And even then, who cares? If you’ve got something against asexual people, get outta here.)

My only real critique is that after a while, the music loop stopped, forcing me to sit in silence as I studied my baking grimoire. But again, this was a little game hashed together for a game jam, that, if for some reason you didn’t want to get the bundle, is actually free on itch.io, so can you really complain?

Hot Pot Panic

What a classic conundrum: you’re at a hot pot restaurant with a friend, and, despite being all-you-can-eat, you have to control your appetite to avoid weirding out your friend. There’s basically two mechanics you need to keep track of: cooking the food in the hot pot, and managing the conversation with your friend. You click on the raw ingredients to put them in the pot, then wait until the sprites turn a golden hue and you start to hear a sizzling audio cue to eat them. Meanwhile, you have to make small talk with your friend, and pay just enough attention to be able to choose the correct multiple choice response to any question or open-ended statement she ends her side of the conversation with. But you have to be careful not to burn your food, however, because that won’t count towards filling your stomach, which you have to do before you run out of conversation topics. The whole thing is a delicate balancing act. I have to admit I failed at first because for some reason it didn’t dawn on me that you could cook more than one thing at a time?

The pixel art sprite work works very well; the foods are instantly recognizable and I could really feel the judging glare coming from behind the friend’s thick glasses. The background music perfectly matches the atmosphere, and, as already mentioned, other sound design elements like the sizzling cues from perfectly cooked meat prove to be vital to juggling the different elements of gameplay. All in all, a neat little game that perfectly encompasses the feeling of anxiety that comes with wanting to not embarrass yourself in public when all you really want to do is eat.

Putahe ng Ina Mo: Sinigang Edition

Ok, I’m gonna try to be nice to this one. On one hand, I love the aesthetic it’s got going on. Upon opening the game, you can tell from the background music, which I can only describe as “whimsical mad scientist,” as well as a stream of emojis flying past, that this game is supposed to be very goofy. Unlike other games on this list which were more point-and-click, the ingredients for your sinigang (a Filipino tamarind stew) can be picked up and thrown about as you wish. The fact that the art style is very realistic makes this that much funnier.

However, upon opening, the window forces a specific resolution that just would not work with my monitor. This may seem like a minor problem, as I was still more-or-less able to access all the ingredients, but imagine the mental state I was in: I’m already confused, and then the second I clamp the lid on the pot, everything goes up in smoke! How the fuck did I burn water? I ended up also watching a playthrough on YouTube, and they also, no matter what, burned the sinigang. Considering the name of the game translates roughly to “Your Mother’s Cooking,” maybe the idea is that no matter what, you’re never going to make it as well as mom. Or, considering my mom’s cooking, maybe it’s the opposite of that.

A weird, goofy little game that just didn’t seem to like my computer.

Sangwish

This is 100% in the vein of all those weird 2010s “[Mundane Thing] Simulator” games that were all the rage for a while. No instructions, no objectives, just a pile of food for you to play with. My immediate reaction was, for some reason, to grill the mysterious meat slices, but it turns out the stove there is just set dressing. Giving up on such pointless gourmand pretenses, I decided to just make the biggest sandwich I could. Eventually, there was so much on the sandwich that the bottom slice of bread started vibrating slightly, because physics. Then I tried to put my knife in the sandwich, but the vibrations knocked it to the floor, never to be seen again. Then I decided to throw all of my bread and most of the ingredients on the floor, never to be seen again. Here is my end sandwich.

Easily one of the sandwich simulators I’ve played all day.

Terroir

Much like a wine with a good terroir, this is by far the most complex game on this list (muffled snooty wine snob chuckles in the distance). The end goal is clear: grow grapes, make wine. But, as you can imagine, you are completely at the mercy of the elements. The ideal time to harvest your grapes is when they are at a ripeness of 4-6 out of 10. However, the randomly-generated months gave me month after month of cloudy and rainy weather, not allowing my grapes to get the sunlight they needed to get their ripeness above a 1. The only time my grapes ever hit a 6 was out of harvesting season, and by the time I was allowed to harvest, they had somehow dropped back down to a 1. And as you can imagine, a bunch of 1-star grapes will only make 1-star wine. The fact that I almost immediately got root rot didn’t help any, either. And because I tried to expand too quickly, buying an extra plot of land when I couldn’t even afford the grapes to grow there, I was thousands of dollars in the red within 3 years.

Is that a dig against the game? No. It’s frustrating, but in that way that games with a learning curve often are. The tile-based design is pleasant to look at, although much of the UI can be a little confusing to look at at first. And, of course, most of the “gameplay” is sitting and waiting for the wine critics to tell you what a bad job you did. Some of the few management choices you can make seem to not have much of an impact (my first wine wasn’t acidic enough, so I added pressed juice to my second batch that brought the acidity up to a 9, but then the mere act of bottling the wine brought the acidity down to a 4 somehow). It’s an interesting concept for a game that I assume I’m just not getting, but might give another chance at some point in the future.

#food #video games #food games #Indie Bundle for Palestinian Aid #Free Palestine

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nico-drives-badly · 5 years

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Pizza Delivery - DMC Edition

(A Parody of the Krusty Krab Pizza Episode from Spongebob)

[Episode begins in the Devil May Cry main office in Red Grave City, where Dante is messing around with a mop and bucket instead of actually cleaning the chairs]

Lady: Hurry up with those chairs, Dante! It's after closing! And I'd LIKE to go HOME!

[The phone rings.]

Dante: I GOT IT I GOT IT— [leaps for the phone, but Vergil answers it first, and Dante falls onto the floor]

Vergil: Hello? [listening to voice on the other end] Sir, I think you have the wrong num—

[Lady snatches the phone from Vergil]

Lady: Devil May Cry. How can I help you? [customer explains pizza order over the phone] Pizza? [suddenly remembers that Dante still owes her money and her eyes turn into dollar signs] Of course we have pizza!

Vergil: Lady—?!

Lady: Our delivery boy will bring it riiiight over. [cheerfully hangs up the phone]

Vergil: [flabbergasted] But Lady, we don't serve pizza!

[Lady grabs a leftover pizza box from Dante’s fridge and heats it up in the microwave. Then she slaps a “Devil May Cry” sticker over the original label.]

Vergil: [even more flabbergasted] We don't deliver!!

Lady: We don't deliver, but you do. [hands Vergil the pizza and starts to walk away]

Vergil: [runs after Lady] Can't you just get Dante to do it?!

Lady: Great idea! Take him with you.

[Dante finally stands up and slides over next to Vergil, giving him a troll-faced grin]

Vergil: [shouts after Lady as she departs] That's NOT what I had in mind!

[Scene changes to outside, where the Devil May Cry van is parked. Dante is checking the car while Vergil sits in the passenger seat.]

Dante: Front end...check! Antenna...check! Bumper...check! Bumper sticker... [gestures to bumper sticker that says "I Brake For Nuthin’, Deal With It Assholes"] ...check!

Dante: Tire pressure... [uncaps the tire pressure and puts his mouth in it like the dumbass he is, causing him to take in WAY too much air and start coughing and sputtering in Vergil’s face] ...check! All right, everything looks good!

Dante: [climbs into the driver’s seat] We're really making history here, Vergil. That lucky customer is (technically) going to get the first Devil May Cry Pizza ever! AND I can finally pay back Lady! Man, this is great. Why did I never think of this before?

Vergil: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with already.

[Dante starts to turn the ignition key, but then pauses suddenly.]

Dante: Wait a minute...I can't drive!

Vergil: What do you mean you can’t?! You literally drive a motorcycle!

Dante: Exactly! I only know how to drive a motorcycle! I never learned how to drive a van!

Vergil: [groans] Come on, Dante. It can’t be THAT different. Besides, it’s just around the corner.

Dante: Well, yeah, but—

Vergil: Just do what you do on a motorcycle.

Dante: Well, okay... [looks down at the gear shift and his mind goes completely blank] ...Wait, don't tell me.

Vergil: Back it up.

Dante: Huh?

Vergil: Back. It up.

Dante: Right. Back...it up... [grabs the stick shift and starts to pull it down, but he hesitates]

Vergil: Back it up!

Dante: OKAY OKAY!

Vergil: Shift into reverse, you fool!

Dante: ...Reverse? OH YEAH YEAH, REVERSE!

[Dante looks down at the gear shift, but the letters turn into random Japanese symbols in his mind.]

Vergil: BACK IT UP!

Dante: [suddenly shifts the car into reverse and floors it out of panic] Backing uUUUPPP! BACKING UP!!

Vergil: [desperately tries to grab the wheel from Dante as the van zips backwards at top speed] Give me the wheel, Dante! Give! Me! The! Wheel!!

Dante: Backing up! Backing up!

[The van roughly goes over a series of bumps]

Dante: Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ack-i-i-i-i-i-ng u-u-u-up!

[Th van starts to spin in circles, leaving Dante and Vergil screaming.]

[The next morning, the van can be seen slowly emerging over the horizon, miles and miles away from their original location.]

Dante: Backing up...backing up...backing up...

[The van runs out of fuel and sputters to a stop in the middle of nowhere.]

Dante: ...Backing up.

Vergil: Well. You backed up. And you know what? [gestures to the empty fuel gauge] I think we're out of gas! And you know what else? [steps out of the van and screams into the abyss] WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!

Dante: [climbs out of the van with the pizza box in hand] And you know what else else? I think the pizza's getting cold.

Vergil: [sarcastically] OH, and the PIZZA’S cold? Oh, the pizza's COLD. Oooooh nooo, NOT the PIZZA! Oh, how could this get any WORSE—?!

[Vergil DTs and kicks the van’s bumper out of sheer frustration, which somehow fills the van back up with gasoline. The van starts to drive away into the distance without them, leaving Vergil standing in his SDT with his jaw hung open in shock]

Dante: Well...at least we can still deliver it on foot.

[Vergil narrows his eyes dangerously at Dante, but he reverts to his human form without another word.]

[Scene changes to Dante and Vergil walking on the side of the empty road. Vergil is griping with every step he takes, while Dante is singing terribly at the top of his lungs.]

Vergil: Ow, ow, ow...

Dante: 🎶 The DMC Pizza! Is the pizza! For you and me! The DMC pizza! Is the pizza—

Vergil: [interrupts Dante’s song in a mocking tone] 🎶—AND MY FEET ARE KILLING ME!

[Suddenly, Vergil trips over Dante, who is lying on the ground for hell-knows-what reason.]

Vergil: Dante? What are you doing?!

Dante: [rubbing the ground expertly] It's an old pioneer trick. I saw it in a movie once.

Vergil: Dante, this is no time for...!

Dante: [aggressively shushes Vergil] It's working!

Vergil: What is it?

Dante: Truck! Sixteen wheels! [points to an approaching semi-truck in the distance] Now I can show you how the pioneers hitchhiked.

[Dante whips out the Dr. Faust Hat and starts dancing in the road like an idiot.]

Dante: [weird hitchhiking noises] WheEeEeEeE eeeeeeeEEEE, yoooOOOOOUUUUuuuUuu WUWUWUUWEHEHEHE...

[Vergil sits on a rock and rattles a wooden spoon with an annoyed look on his face.]

Dante: [more hitchhiking noises] UUuuUuuUuAAYAYAYAYAYA GLGLGLGLGLGLGLGLG—

Truck Driver: [noticing Dante in the road] Crashin' frashin' break dancers! [honks his horn aggressively]

Vergil: He's stopping! He's stopping!

Truck Driver: [CLEARLY NOT STOPPING]

[Vergil suddenly realizes that he's not stopping and pulls Dante out of the way before he gets run over. The truck zooms past them, covering them in roadside dirt. Vergil glares scathingly at Dante, who gives him a nervous smile.]

[Scene changes to Dante and Vergil walking against a heavy wind.]

Dante: [still singing badly] 🎶 The DMC pizza! Is the pizza! For you and me! The DMC pizza—

[The wind changes direction and blows Vergil’s hair forward. Grimacing, Vergil tries to slick his hair back into place, but the wind messes it up again, much to his annoyance. Finally, Vergil just gives up and goes into SDT so he doesn’t have to deal with it.]

Dante: [doesn’t even notice and keeps singing] 🎶—is the pizza! Free de-li-ve-ry! The DMC pizza! Is the pizza! Very ta-a-sty!!

[All of a sudden, a random Qliphoth root springs up out of nowhere and grabs the pizza box. Dante refuses to let go, however, and he gets flung back and forth helplessly in the air as he tries and fails to fight it off.]

Vergil: Will you let go of that stupid pizza, already?

Dante: [still being flung around in the air] I can't! It’s for the customer!

Vergil: WHO CARES about the customer?

Dante: I DO!

Vergil: Well, I DON’T!

[The wind stops suddenly, as does the Qliphoth root, and Dante gasps at Vergil in disgust.]

Dante: D:< Vergil!

[The wind immediately picks back up again, and the Qliphoth root resumes flinging Dante around helplessly in the air.]

Vergil: Dante, we don’t have time for this foolishness! Let go of the pizza!

Dante: NO!

[The Qliphoth root sends Dante barreling straight into Vergil, knocking him off his feet.]

Vergil: OW! [grabs onto Dante’s legs as the Qliphoth continues to drag him around] Dante! Let go of the pizza!

Dante: No! It's for the customer!

Vergil: DANT-AYYY! LET GO OF THE PIZZA!

[The Qliphoth root lifts them high up in the air.]

Dante: NO!!

Vergil: DANTE— [looks down and suddenly realizes that they’re dangling over 100 ft in the air] HANG ONTO THE PIZZAAAA!

[The Qliphoth root finally lets go of them and flings them in a random direction, sending them both flying. Dante screams and falls flat on his face. Vergil technically could’ve broken his fall using his SDT wings, but he doesn’t think of that and instead falls flat on his face next to Dante, reverting to his human form in the process.]

Vergil: [slowly gets up and looks around in confusion] H-hey...where's the road? Where's the road?! [a random tumbleweed rolls by, sending Vergil into a panicked stupor while running around in circles] WE’RE DOOMED! HOW ARE WE GOING GET HOME NOW? WHICH WAY DO WE GO?

[Dante slowly gets up while Vergil continues to run around like an idiot.]

Vergil: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? THERE’S NO ROAD HERE!

Dante: Hm... [points in a seemingly random direction] I think town's this way.

Vergil: [stops dead in his tracks and rolls his eyes at Dante] Oh, don't tell me, Jethro. The pioneers?

Dante: That's right. [gestures to a mossy rock] Moss always points to civilization.

Vergil: That way? That way there?

Dante: [nods]

Vergil: So, let me get this straight...YOU think that WE should go THAT way?

Dante: [nods again] Yep.

Vergil: [turns around and starts walking in the opposite direction] Well, then I'm going this way.

Dante: Huh? Verg, wait! I don't think—

Vergil: Trust me, I KNOW where I am going.

[The camera pans out to show that Red Grave City was clearly in the direction Dante pointed towards, which means that Vergil definitely has no idea where he’s going.]

[Scene changes once again to Dante and Vergil walking, while Dante continues to belt out the DMC Pizza song at the top of his lungs.]

Dante: 🎶 The DMC pizza! Is the pizza! Absolu-tive-a-ly!

Dante: [beatboxing] 🎶 Boomboomboomboom PIZZA powpowkakachihchih PIZZA chihchihchoopapaaaaa—

Dante: [walking backwards while beatboxing] 🎶 Dododododo PIZZA dododoododododo PIZZA dodododooddodoooo—

Dante: [with soul] 🎶 D-M-C-aAaAayy-aaaAAAAaaAayy-aAaAayyy pi-zzaaaa! Is the pizza, ye-aaah, for you and— [awful-sounding falsetto that causes Vergil to visibly flinch] 🎶 MEE-EEE-EEeeEee-EEEEEEEE!

Dante: [dragging his feet tiredly] Pizza...for...you...the DM and...the C...and the... pizza insiiiide...

[Eventually, Dante and Vergil both collapse onto the ground in exhaustion.]

Dante: Verg...we gotta eat something.

Vergil: [sarcastically] I heard in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat tumbleweed.

[Dante grabs a nearby tumbleweed and starts eating it savagely, chucking the pizza box aside. Thankfully, Vergil catches the pizza box right before it falls on the ground.]

Vergil: [notices how desperate Dante is and cracks a mischievous smile] No, no, wait...maybe it wasn't tumbleweed.

[Dante yelps and spits out the tumbleweed in disgust.]

Vergil: Maybe it was sand...no, mud—!

Dante: [sits up suddenly and grabs Vergil by the shirt collar] Gimme the pizza, Verg!

Vergil: [holds the pizza box defensively] WAIT I REMEMBER NOW IT WAS TUMBLEWEED!

Dante: Give me that pizza!

Vergil: No! We promised Lady that we’d give it to the customer!

Dante: OH, SO NOW YOU CARE ABOUT THE CUSTOMER!

Vergil: Dante, I am not going to risk MY life explaining to Lady that we can’t pay her back all because YOU got a little hungry! That pizza is for the customer, and that’s final!

[Dante pouts broodingly for a moment, but then he comes up with an idea...]

Dante: [cunning voice] Yeah, you're right. It's for the customer.

Vergil: [slightly confused] Uh...yeah...

Dante: Well, maybe we better check on it and make sure it's okay.

Vergil: [looks down at the pizza box reluctantly] Well...

Dante: [starts to open the box] C’mon, just a peek—

Vergil: [quickly snaps the box shut] OKAY IT’S FINE.

Dante: No, wait! I think I saw something!

[Dante opens the box fully, revealing a very appetizing pizza.]

Dante: Oh...nope. I was wrong. It looks okay. [nudges Vergil] Sure is a fiiine looking pizza, don’t you think? You definitely don’t have food like that down in Hell, huh?

Vergil: [falters] Yeah, you...certainly don’t...

Dante: And what’s that? Is that the cheese?

Vergil: [lip twitches slightly] Yeah...

Dante: And the pepperoni?

Vergil: [mouth starts watering] Yeah...!

Dante: [grins as Vergil starts savoring] Oh, looks good, huh?

[Vergil, suddenly realizing what Dante is trying to do, quickly snaps out of it and slams the pizza box closed.]

Vergil: WAIT A SECOND! I know what you're trying to do, Dante! I'm not letting you eat the pizza!

Dante: Give me the pizza, Vergil!

Vergil: No!

Dante: Don't make me take it away from you!

Vergil: Get AWAY!

[Vergil starts to run away while Dante chases after him.]

Dante: Get back here, Vergil!

Vergil: NO!

Dante: VERGIL!

Vergil: NO!

Dante: VER-GILLL!

Vergil: NO!

[Eventually, Dante starts to run out of energy and collapses due to exhaustion, while Vergil is still running around.]

Vergil: NO! NO—

[Vergil trips over Dante suddenly, falling flat on his face and dropping the pizza. Dante snatches the pizza while Vergil is distracted, but Vergil quickly pins him down and points Yamato threateningly at his chest.]

Vergil: Dante, I am NOT letting you eat this pizza! And you are going to hand it over to me, one way or another!

Dante: [points at something in the distance] Look, Verg, we're saved!

Vergil: Yeah, sure, we're saved. Now GIVE ME THE PIZZA!

Dante: No really, Verg! We’re SAVED! [starts jumping up and down in excitement] We're saved! We're saaaaaved!

Vergil: WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?

Dante: [chanting to a conga beat] 🎶Sa-a-aved, sa-aved! Sa-a-aved, sa-aved! Saved, saved! Saved, saved! Savedsavedsavedsaved saved, saved!

Dante: [runs towards a boulder in the distance while still chanting] 🎶Savedsavedsavedsavedsaved, SAVED! Savedsavedsavedsavedsaved, SAVED! YES, we are SAVED!

Vergil: [furiously] But that’s just a stupid boulder!

Dante: It's not just a boulder...it’s a rock! A ROOOOCK!! It's a BIG! BEAUTIFUL! OLD! ROCK!! [rubs the side of the boulder affectionately] Ohhhh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for MILES! And it's in GREAT shape!!

Vergil: DANT-AYYY! WILL YOU FORGET THE STUPID PIONEERS? Haven’t you ever noticed that there are NONE of them left?! That's because they were LOUSY hitchhikers, ate TUMBLEWEED—

Dante: Actually, it was you who said they ate tumbleweed...

Vergil: [points Yamato at Dante again to shut him up] —and took directions from ALGAE!

[Dante climbs onto the boulder while Vergil continues to rant.]

Vergil: And nooow, you're telling me that they thought they could DRIVE...

[Dante somehow shifts the boulder into drive and runs over Vergil.]

Vergil: [flattened against the ground] ...rocks? [gets up and runs desperately after Dante] HOLD ON THERE, JETHRO!

[Scene changes to Dante parking the boulder in front of the customer’s house, with Vergil sitting on the rock next to him.]

Dante: [jumps off of the boulder and runs to the door] I cannot WAIT to see the look on our customer’s face! [excitedly rings the doorbell]

Customer: [answers door] Yeah?

Dante: Congratulations, sir. Your Devil May Cry Pizza is here!

Customer: Wow, thanks! I've been dying for one of these. I— [face falls suddenly] Where's my drink?

Dante: [confused] ...What drink?

Customer: [angry] My drink? My diet Dr. Pepper?? Don't tell me you forgot my drink!!

Dante: [fishes the order out of his pocket and checks it] But, you didn't order any—!

Customer: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT THIS PIZZA WITHOUT MY DRINK?!

Dante: [dumbfounded] B-but Lady...! I-if I don’t pay her back, I’ll have t—!

Customer: Didn't you ever once think of the customer? [throws the pizza at Dante’s face] You call yourself a delivery boy?! Well, I ain't buying! [rudely slams the door]

[Dante walks back over to Vergil with a forced smile on his face.]

Dante: [eye twitches dangerously] He didn’t take the pizza.

Vergil: I’ll take care of this.

[Vergil grabs the pizza from Dante, storms up the stairs to the customer's house, and pounds on the door furiously.]

Customer: [answers the door again] Another one? Look, I told your friend over there, I ain't paying for that!

Vergil: [unsheathing Yamato] Well, this one's on the HOUSE!

[Camera sharply cuts to Dante, who flinches suddenly. Judgement Cut and Summoned Sword noises can be heard off-camera, as well as a petrified human scream, before Vergil finally walks back over to Dante, visibly covered in blood and holding the customer’s wallet in his hands.]

Dante: Did you...change his mind?

Vergil: [returns Yamato to its sheath while grinning smugly] Yep, he sure did. Ate the whole thing in one bite.

Dante: [counts the money in the wallet and perks up immediately] No drink?

Vergil: Nope. [jumps up onto the rock] Now, take me home.

Dante: [hops onto the rock and starts revving it up excitedly] Are you kidding? We have just enough time to make it back to Lady!

[Dante backs up the rock, and they instantly arrive at the Devil May Cry main office.]

Vergil: [eyes twitches dangerously] We‘re—?!

[Episode ends with the sound of Yamato impaling Dante’s chest as the screen quickly cuts to black.]

#devil may cry #shitpost #crack fic #incorrect quotes #source: spongebob squarepants #nico writes

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fizzingwizard · 5 years

Text

I finally saw the Cats movie the other day.

After the alarming trailers and the bad reviews after the premiere, I was pretty much desperate to like it. Just to like it, enough, as a Cats fan. I thought, “ok, if the normal people dislike it, that doesn’t mean there aren’t enough nuggets and even pearls to sustain us true fans.” Trust me, I am a fan of X-men comics, I am very very used to doing that. (It’s the entire reason I can stomach the Dark Phoenix movie at all.) So my bar was, I thought, appropriately low.

Oh how wrong I was.

iT’S THE WORST MOVIE I EVER SAW GUYS. And it gives me no small amount of pain to admit that. It marks the first time in my life I considered walking out of the theater, not out of outrage, just boredom. And Cats has never bored me before. So I must rant.

Before I start, though, I have to say I just can’t blame the cast for any of this. It’s the movie direction. As far as I can tell, the actors acted and danced their hearts out truly believing when it was finished this movie would be something resembling a movie. The resemblance is there, but... faint.

1) The CGI. A while back I suggested that once the CGI was finished and polished up, and moreover, when we could watch it continuously and not in stitched-together bits for a haphazard trailer, then the CGI cats wouldn’t look as jarring. For the most part, that was the case for me. But I’m certain it wasn’t the case for everyone. It was freakishly reminiscent of that live action Cat in the Hat movie (and that’s not exactly a compliment).

It didn’t bother me too much, because I thought from the beginning that costumes or CGI, it would be impossible to design human cats who don’t rub a lot of people the wrong way. It was a sacrifice I was okay making because I saw it as an inevitability. But the hairier cats like Old Deut and Gus (ie, the cats whose costumes were more reminiscent of the theater) definitely looked better, though. (Speaking of which, who on EARTH shaved poor Rum Tum Tugger!?)

But aside from the cats. Those rats FREAKED me out. If those had been in the trailer? My hopes would have been dashed much, much earlier. Eek. No. And... the rats came back a second time... and then a third!!! Meanwhile the beetles were just... people in beetle suits. Mr. Hooper, what are you smoking? I need some right now.

Also. Why, WHY don’t the cats have cat noses? That bothered me the whole time!!

2) The choreography. When I saw the cast, way back before even trailers were out, the first thing I thought was “um, do these people secretly have classical dance training and it just isn’t widely known?” Because Cats is basically a variety show. You can’t do Cats without amazing dancing in multiple styles, from ballet to tap to freaking gymnastics.

There were some dancers, including Victoria. I wish I could say more of them. It’s not that they aren’t talented. I’m sure they are. It’s just that, between the choreography being incredibly changed, and then on top of that edited with CGI to “improve” the feline poses and stunts, who knows where the actual dancing is. Not me. We don’t even get one fouette from Mistoffelees. I mean. Come on. Not even in CGI! Why would you do this to Cats. Why. Why.

It’d be one thing if the movie choreography clearly improved Cats the movie, which, after all, wasn’t going to be an exact replica of Cats the musical. Unfortunately, it, uh, doesn’t.

3) The music. I haven’t seen this touched on a lot, but did anyone else notice the music sounded like someone was just playing the soundtrack for the 90s film on a boombox somewhere in the background? It wasn’t crisp. It wasn’t even loud. The electric guitar that makes you shiver when you hear it live? Barely discernible. At the very least, I thought they’d do something interesting with the music, although I guess I should thank my lucky stars that they randomly decided to leave well enough alone in this instance... But it’s a MUSICAL. How do you half-ass the (amazing, by the way!) score in a MUSICAL?!

4) The singing. Yes, this needs its own separate section, because WHY COULDN’T ANYONE SING. Even people who can, in fact, sing!! Jennifer Hudson is GREAT singer. Her “Memory” isn’t terrible, but it is drastically overacted and far from joining my list of favorite “Memory” performances. Taylor Swift’s “Macavity” was fine, I guess. I’d probably be more positive about it if the rest of the movie didn’t suck. James Corden was fine too, “Bustopher Jones” is not exactly a challenging song, but Rebel Wilson’s “Old Gumbie Cat” was breathy, weirdly sexualized, and couldn’t end fast enough for me. I’m not too familiar with Jason Derulo but I am sure he doesn’t sing like an idiot all the time, and neither should Rum Tum Tugger. What was that about?

And no one expected Judi Dench to sing but she sure tried. I admire her for it, but sorry, Mr. Hooper, I don’t agree that Old Deut can get away with a poetry reading version of “The Moments of Happiness.”

“Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer” was pretty good but difficult to understand because all the scene-changing made the lyrics hard to follow (and I know them by heart). “Skimbleshanks” more or less the same. I wouldn’t have complained about these if the movie had been a little better overall.

“Magical Mr. Mistoffelees” is more about the dancing than the singing, but it’s such a climactic number that the way it’s so slow and, er, anticlimactic in this movie is just a huge letdown.

5) The unending fat jokes. I know James Corden and Rebel Wilson are both perfectly comfortable with poking fun at themselves, and do it pretty much all the time. I also know they’re both okay being gross. I suppose people thought the two of them together would be movie magic. Instead, their powers combined to create The Ultimate Apocalyptic Unending Gross Fat People Joke Machine. Some of the jokes were a little funny. They got less funny the more they occurred. And just when you thought they would stop. THEY INCREASED. It’s like I was secretly in a Spongebob Squarepants movie where they obsessively make fun of fat people and their bodies while eating everything in sight. It had a mood of “fat people power!” but a stench of “we couldn’t think of any good jokes so we just did some gross shit!”

6) I hate Munkustrap! This one has no appearance of objectivity, I just can’t stand him. He looks weirder in the CGI than most of them (not his fault, but). I hated his singing voice. And he got to sing way too much for how enjoyable he was. He looked a little stoned, to be frank. Maybe that’s what they were going for. BTW, I absolutely adore Munkustrap in the show. I wasn’t exactly expecting Michael Gruber again, and yet, I sort of was.

7.) Victoria’s original song. Actually. Actually. I liked this song. It was a nice song! I enjoyed listening to it in the credits. (lol?) They clearly spent much more time making it sound nice than they did the actual Cats music. But why... why was there an original song... in a musical that already has more than enough songs? What did it add? I get that it was supposed to explain Victoria’s motivations and show her connection with Grizabella. I just don’t think it was necessary. Because. Because. There’s already an explanatory song in the musical! the little known number... “Memory!” And its variations. As a well as the not insignificant “Glamour Cat” song. Victoria doesn’t have a song. That’s true. Jemima/Sillabub does though. If you’re going you erase the juxtaposition of Jemima and Grizabella and force Victoria into a similar role, why couldn’t she have just sung “Moonlight”? IIRC she did in the end sing the interlude during “Memory” anyway. Then they forced more reprises of the original Victoria song on us, even made Judi Dench sing it. It’s a nice song. WHAT IS IT DOING HERE.

(More in another post because it is late and my complaints are many.)

#cats musical #cats movie

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wichols · 5 years

Photo

This is my first time ever doing any type of fan prompted writing event for myself and let me tell you I have some thoughts!!

But before thoughts let’s talk numbers.

Start Date: 1/8/2020

End Date: 1/24/2020

Total Fics Created: 9

Total Word Count Posted: 11,935

Prompts Received Anonymously: 5

Prompts Received By Users: 4

Longest Fic: Burning Intentions (2,203)

Shortest Fic: Attorney First, Wife Second (754)

Thoughts:

It was interesting to see which pairs and couples my general audience was requesting. By far the two most popular requests where anything to deal with Kyoya (my OTP) and Mori. You wanted my two favorite boys to get some comfort and happy endings and I was happy to supply them. Now that I step back and look at them, I will give you little fun facts or interesting thoughts I had while writing each one (mostly because I think it is interesting how writers explain their process of writing or their opinions on their own writings). The list starts chronologically from first to last fic posted.

1. Bland Cereal & Pregnancy Brain (Mori x Haruhi)

I imagine that of all the hosts these two will have the closest thing to what Haruhi would deem a normal life. They will make time for each other and always try to check in on each other. If Haruhi wants normal life filled with a steady stream of love then Mori is her guy. I giggled my way through this prompt at Haruhi and her oblivious nature (my favorite quality about her). This prompt took two sittings to complete. The first to write it and second to edit. Overall one of the quicker ones I wrote in this batch.

2. Attorney First, Wife Second (Kyoya x Haruhi)

This fic is one of my favorites that I have written. It is also the first posted fic where stuff gets steamy. I was gasping and eeping the whole time writing their steamy elevator interactions. This story took 1 sitting to write, edit, and post.

3. Solemn Tears (Kyoya x Mori)

As stated in the original post this is the first-ever M/M fic I have written. IT WAS SO HARD. Not because it was M/M but because both characters don’t really ever let their guards down long enough for them to cry. Not only that, I really had to dig and analyze what would really push them to the point that they would cry. Have you ever seen two brick walls cry? Cause I sure haven’t! Their dynamic is interesting and I am glad that I got this prompt to stretch my writing skills. Multiple sittings required because I had no idea how I was going to write it.

4. Shrouded Kiss (Kyoya x Haruhi x Tamaki)

Oh, the angst! Out of all the fics posted this one felt the most OOC. My first thought when I received the prompt was, “Kyoya never does anything by accident.” Haruhi was a little OOC in my opinion but that’s because of how Kyoya proposed the idea of finding love. Do I believe what he says about only knowing once you have tried things with different people? No, but there is merit to say that each relationship and person you are with is going to feel different. Some people are just naturally passionate people while others are more subtle with their love. From what I recall this was a pretty easy write and edit.

5. Obliviously Pregnant (Kyoya x Haruhi)

Haruhi probably couldn’t even surprise Kyoya with a pregnancy even if she tried. She might not have married a doctor but when you marry into a family who is a leader in the medical business nothing will stay a secret for long. On top of that, I am sure that Haruhi is so focused on work that she would actually just convince herself that she is sick rather than being pregnant. Now reader, I know you are curious as to why I decided to bless them with twins. Well, you see…..plot device. That’s really it. Plus, after I asked Google about multiples and pregnancy I was plagued with diaper ads. Note to self, use incognito more often when asking questionable questions.

6. Salmon Side Effects (Tamaki x Haruhi)

This was the first “Free Space” prompt. And I was in the thick of writing and posting. By the time I got to this prompt, I was tired. Not long after I got this prompt I experienced a depressive episode and spent the week slowly crawling out of the pit. I just couldn’t bring myself to work on this fic. I knew I would have to write Tamaki super excited and all I could think about was trying to make it throughout the day without crying. But I got out of the pit and finished it. Multiple sittings needed for completion.

7. Unyielding Devotion (Mori x Haruhi)

I am not sure when it comes to other writers but I cannot read and write fic at the same time. And after binge writing the last few fics I needed a break. I needed to read some fic! One night I was scrolling through FF.Net and decided it was time to start working through my 70+ fics waiting to be read. Picked a fic and I was off to the races (Something Honorable This Way Comes by ilovemori9). It was sweet and wonderful and totally the opposite of a break-up prompt. I think with the break up he was trying to do right by her, wanting her to not be held back by what was required of him. When I first started brainstorming this prompt I was going to have Kyoya lurking in the shadows waiting to take Haruhi as his own but the story wrote itself and it wrote Kyoya out of the story. I think it is better that way.

8. Broken Banner (Mori x Haruhi)

TINY HAMMER! Running joke between @ohshcscenerios and myself. This was such a fun story to write! Once I started I just had to finish. I don’t normally lean towards cute and innocent so it was a nice change of pace. Mori is held in high regard but he is, after all, a high school 3rd year. And he has a soft spot for Haruhi. Also, did you know that Mori is 6’2” while Haruhi is 5’1”? How do you accidentally kiss someone who is a foot taller than you?? So part of the issue in creating this story was how to get their mouths close enough to bump lips. I think the outcome suited the prompt. This was a two sitting story.

9. Burning Intentions (All Characters)

The final prompt….this prompt I tell you what. I will be honest I loathed this prompt in the beginning. I was utterly at a loss as to how I was going to write this. I opened the doc, stared at the prompt and closed the doc multiple times over the span of a week. It was like that episode of Spongebob where he had to write an essay and he felt like he was doing so much work but all he did was the fancy-looking “The”. I almost gave up on it. I almost posted an apology instead of actually trying to write something. In a last-ditch effort, I pulled up Pinterest and searched the word ‘fire’. And then an idea hit me! I wrote part of it one night and finished it up the next day. This story quickly became a favorite because of the witty banter between the hosts. I was laughing at my own writing. I am now very proud of this story!

Final Thoughts & What’s Next?

Throughout the last 16 days, I have accomplished many things when it comes to writing! I went from only having posted 4 fics to now having 13 fics. Today (1/24/2020) on FF.Net Boundless Opportunities (Kyoya x Haruhi) reached 200+ views. On top of the 11,935 words I have posted I have also written an additional 9,124 words for other projects I am currently working on. That is a grand total of 21,059 words written from January 1-24! In my free time, I also finished The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins and am 13 chapters deep with The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. On top of everything else, I created a beta profile! I have done so much this month and I want to thank everyone for their support and kind words! They really do me so much to me!

January has been busy! So I am looking forward to celebrating Freedom February!! I am giving myself permission to do whatever I want in February. I still have 11 more paper books to finish as well as 100+ fanfiction stories waiting patiently waiting to be shown attention. Basically what I am saying is I want to spend more time doing other hobbies as well as work on some of my wips that I have been neglecting since I started this project.

Speaking of wips I will be spending February obviously working on my Kasanoda x Haruhi fic but also an idea that sprung up into my head this past week produced a very interesting idea for an AU bad boy fic with Hikaru x Haruhi that has some potential to become another multi-chapter story. Too soon to say if anything will come of it but I want to keep my options open!

TL;DR: January was crazy. Lots of writing. Background information for each fic posted from the bingo prompts. A list of January achievements. Don’t expect me to post anything prolific in February. Using my free time to explore hobbies other than writing. Diving headfirst into digital and paperback stories. Hopefully, make progress on my two main unposted projects. Stay tuned for updates and questions regarding my wips. Thanks!

Special shout out to @ohshcscenerios for helping me out so much! Half of my stories wouldn’t be nearly as good without your help!! Thanks for pushing me to write some fluff instead of just sad angsty fics! Go check out the blog for all your burning host club asks.

If you would like to read any of these fics you can find them on Tumblr, AO3, or FF.Net.

#100 hits bingo #OHSHC #ohshc fanfiction #haruhi fujioka #tamaki suoh #Kyoya Ootori #takashi morinozuka #mitskuni haninozuka #hikaru hitachiin #kaoru hitachiin

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sirvalrigard · 5 years

Note

genuinely cannot figure it out. cann you please tell me what the fnaf series is about

OK OK so like we’re extremely off our shits rn but lets try to make this coherent

edit: this actually turned into a fucking wall of infodump bullshit so adding a cut lol

1970s. a gay furry dad named henry emily decides to make a furry restaurant cause he’s passionate abt animatronics and making kids happy. he opens the restaurant with a man named william afton as his business partner. henry makes animatronics and william handles idk being fucking creepy and handling money is my best guess. the restaurant is called Fredbear’s Family Diner, featuring Fredbear and Spring Bonnie (after a year or two it becomes popular enough for henry to have money to build bonnie, freddy, chica, and foxy too!)

ok so shits fine and normal until william billiam is like ‘hmm im gonna be a child predator now’

on a rainy night one of henry’s children, Charlie Emily, is locked outside the pizzeria somehow, where william finds and kills them. the security marionette that henry built to protect his kids drags itself outside to their body, and thus is possessed by their spirit

obviously henry is fucked up but no one knew who the killer was, so henry was able to reopen another location, this time under the new name of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, with the now familiar friends Bonnie, Freddy, Foxy, and Chica to join the original two! multiple locations are eventually opened, and things are going just fucking fine until WILLY billy does his bullshit again!!

this time he lures them into the back by wearing a Spring Bonnie suit, and kills four children and stuffs their bodies into Bonnie, FReddy, Foxy, and Chica, where Marionette (charlie) finds them and binds their souls to the animatronics

but even though willish addon was employed at the very location he killed kids at, AND he was even convicted as the killer, since police couldnt find the bodies (and are useless) he didnt go to jail which is honestly so accurate its the scariest part of the franchise

so like henry at this point i imagine is like “fuck this” and sells the restaurant line to—you know what? honestly? i would love to know who runs Fazbear Entertainment. with the way help wanted was going i rlly hope we get an expansion on that with them as the villians (destroy capitalism) ANYWAY–

“Fazbear Entertainment” becomes the parent company of this mess now and theyre like :)……oh lets hire that william guy again hes fine

and at this point wwillus is making his OWN fucking pizzeria and his OWN animatronics and is actively kidnapping, torturing, and killing children to steal life essence from their souls! during the process of testing this, he gets his own ‘daughter’ Elizabeth Afton killed!! yeah im not fucking making this up!! (ppl in the fandom really defend this guy lol)

1983. so as Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzas are expanding, Willard Afturd somehow? got himself some children. like to raise. like as a “““father”““. personally i do like 2 think a mother was involved but honestly he totally coulda just fucking kidnapped some random children to raise as his own and im starting to think thats more plausible actually BUT ITS NOT GAME THEORY TIIME

one of these kids he is personally torturing! his own “son”! incredible! long story short this traumatized child ( unofficially named CC Afton ) is forced into the mouth of Fredbear by his brother Michael Afton and his friends, aaaand he dies ( and is guided by Charlie to possess Fredbear )

even after years of rumors about dead kids being hidden in animatronics, its this accident is the last straw for Fazbear’s Pizza and they are finally shut down. then WILL rubs his nasty hands together and tries to open his OWN pizzeria with his original OCs do not Steal™, Funtime Freddy, Bon Bon, Ballora, Circus Baby ( possessed by Elizabeth) , and Funtime Foxy and theyre all. probably possessedtoo cause theyre used 4 his kid torture fetish

uh ok so Aphton is like hey michael go clean up my child abuse for me anyway brb so his son Mwanders into his father’s Pizzeria to find his sister elizabeth . long story short…………he finds her and she does the “we’re brothers but closer” spongebob meme but also with her friends

ANd they leave! hooray! from then on the story is about Michael, whos zombified now after being used as a husk to hide an amalgamation of 5 animatronics fucking trying to find his shitty fuckass dad, and to help the anguished and vengeful spirits inside

but the first location to reopen after having been shut down, Wilson AAAAA is employed AND KILLS SOME MORE KIDS who would have guessed omg amazing..stunning.. and michael is employed there JUST a week too late like it happens RIGHT before he’s employed so Wumbo Man gets away again and Fazbear Entertainment gets shut down AGAIN, in 1987

not too many years later Fazbear Entertainment tries to open restaurants yES AGAIN and theyre still using the original animatronics that are still rotting and bloody on the inside . somehow this place stays open for a bit, and michael is employed there still looking for Worst Father Ever, and the children attack him due to rage and confusion, and when they kill another employee, the restaurant is shut down for like the trillionth time

but then for some reason Whenwillhedie Afton is like im gonna go try to dismantle the other haunted animatronics at the shut down pizzerias cause i dont actually even know i have shit for brains and also probably wanted to melt them down for life juice BUT

theyrelike FUCK OFF and the spirits of the children materialize in front of Wellington Well Done and force him into the old crusty spring bonnie suit that he’d murdured in before nd spring is like FUCKy ou and crushesAlton with their animatronic parts aand smush him. trapped now #springbonnieisgoodguy

the spirits go to rest in animatronica, the events of fnafworld happen when: 30 fucing years later in like the 2010s some jackasses thought it would be a good idea to mak e a haunted hoiuse attraction based on fazbear’s pizza and use actual shit from the restaurants and of COURSE this fuck shit up hardcore and disturbs the spirits from the rest that they were in ( until it turned intp the events of FNAF World ) and then they were ripped back into reality when Fazbear’s Fright was built

also! they found WWWacky smacky Acky all rotting away inside Spring Bonnie (now called Springtrap) and were like yeah this is good. definitely not a robot struggling to hold back the influence of a murderer predator and definitely wouldnt haev a problem with being set free

basically michael hears about this thing when it opens and is the first employee there and proceeeds to burn the whole place down as soon as he sees Willmont stuck inside ofs Springtrap

buuuut it doesnt work and Springtrap and other various spirits and haunted robots are still wandering the fuck around and Henry at this point is like Okay I Need To Do Something About This Cause This Is Entirely Out Of Fucking Hand and he reopens a Freddy Fazbear’s location himself, but advertises for a manager who wants to build their own pizzeria

you know who pounces on this like a purple cat? MIKE hes like FUCK yeah egg boys gonna kill his dad and be ann egg MAN today

with the help of Henry’s use of luring mechanics and michael’s endurance and survival skill they gather Scrap Baby (elizabeth), Lefty (charlie), Scraptrap (springtrap, unfortunately who has a rotton raisin inside him ), and Molten Freddy (the remaining animatronics that had jumped into michael’s skin lumped together)

soon as theyre all there ? boom . henry lights the place on fire just like mike had and THEY BOTH JUST SIT THERE AND DIE IN IT TOO LIKE ITS SO METAL and it burns everyone else as well

and all the kids are like

uwu

owo

and drag william afton into HELL!! and they get to torture him for a while together and get the revenge they deserve hell yeah tbh UCN is so iconic

BUT Fazbear Entertainment drinks the capitalism so theyre like…. :((( we’ve been so bullied we totally didnt haev an employee who killed countless children… .pleas,e,e,, buy our mehrch, , n,,jdn

SO they employ an AU version of scott cawthon to make, essentially, the games that we’ve all been playing, but like, in-universe, – so the company in universe has fnaf video games made in order to make light of and cover up the actual murders that happened in the canon. is this too meta yet?

okay i lied this is also the scariest part of the franchise bc of how accurate it is to corrupt business hGJFSKDLHDSS

therefore, they create Help Wanted, the recently released VR game (also a game in-universe) and they use salvaged circuitboards and shit from all the old animatronics to program the game, but of course that just ends up transferring everyone’s soul into the game – the kids, the animatronic AIs, and BASTARD MAN

spring bonnie, now called Glitchtrap, is in a deteriorated mental state and is weak to Afton’s influence, and the fuck is able to manipulate an unknown amount of people into helping him out of the VR game and into the in-universe real world. one of these people was jeremy fitzgerald, michael afton’s childhood friend and a former employee at Fazbear’s Pizza during 1987.

he was involved in a lawsuit against the company making the game, and we don’t know what has happened to him yet. but he’s very important. evidence points to him being one of the kids that helped michael put CC’s head into Fredbear’s mouth, and that in 1987 when working at freddys he was bitten and is somehow functioning without a frontal lobe (but like, michael at this point is functioning with insides made of pudding and rotting skin so . basically theyre both too gay to die )

but we DO know that theres at least one person communicating directly with Glitchtrap, who he seems to have convinced to help set him free, someone whos made their own rabbit mask but doesnt seem to be willingly doing this, and might be brainwashed

also, currently, (this is really weird because we are currently living in the same time as the fnaf timeline is at right now) Fazbear Entertainment is planning on a “service program” that is basically sending personal animatronics to peoples houses and GUESS how fucking well THAT works out bc theyre STILL ALL HAUNTED YOuf g

and it seems like theyre planning on opening a new location in 2020, and that might be when we can learn more about the reluctant follower of springtrap and who has the camera while everyone moshes on william aftons corpse

basically the games are about childhood trauma, recovery, the love of family and friends, and justice against many kinds of evils

also where the fuck is sammy

#.msg #five nights at freddy's #UH HOPE THIS MADE SENSE #literally this is the short version #i have to pee but we coouldt stop writing this HGJKFSDHFKJDHJ #theres literally so much left out its unexplainable in this format #we need like. a google doc or smth where we can write 57382972346758349674386543672 words #animals #ask to tag #my autism is showing #anonymous #timeline

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kotsume · 6 years

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hi i’m back from the dead (tumblr gave me my blog back)

hi i said i’d post this tomorrow but i lied and couldn’t help myself.

first off, happy 2019!! it’s been nearly a year since i’ve seen y’all!!! how are you guys? i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who supported me and i am so thankful for you all.

i have a full explanation under the cut and i would really appreciate it if y’all read it!!

also, i think i’ll reblog this a couple times sorry ik it’s annoying

now, a lot of people i talked to/talked about me kept thinking i was terminated. to be clear, @kaijohs was not terminated, but suspended. they are 2 differnet things as there’s actually a spot in support for terminated blogs :)

i could log into tumblr and go on my dash, check out my activity and drafts, but could not like/reblog, add to drafts/queue, edit drafts, view my inbox. this only happened to @kaijohs, all my other sideblogs (like @fyeahvioletevergarden) functioned normally and i could still do everything i normally would on them.

for some idiotic reason, tumblr still let me create new sideblogs ????????????? it doesn’t really make sense because that’s the reason why i was suspended in the first place but okay tumblr you do you i guess.

okay so:

i had saved, unused urls. those urls consisted of my old ones and my future urls. i tend to change my url every couple of months or so. anyone who’s been following me from the very beginning can tell you that i had a url change about 6 times over the course of 2 years. so yeah, it is safe to say i’m an indecisive girl who can’t stick to one url (but i think i’ll stick with kaijohs bc i love it).

tumblr must have done some random search bc you can’t report it? i didn’t see an option for it, so feel free to correct me and show me if i am wrong. anyways, i ended up getting suspended over it even though i was keeping most, if not all, of them updated. there are many users on tumblr with hundreds of urls, selling them for money, and i got suspended bc i was unlucky. not much i could do about that.

i am NOT saying i didn’t deserve it bc it was my fault for breaking the rules, but i deleted the urls as soon as i read the email and was STILL suspended for 11 months (february 27 2018 - january 22 2019). verbatim, tumblr said “Let us know when that’s been done so we can restore your access.” i sent them at least 2 emails every week through support in the first few months, as well as replying to the original email they sent me. it didn’t really do much. one time they decided to responded to my email (not one of those automated “support request received” emails, but an actual follow-up email), they completely missed the mark.

imo 11 months was overkill.

i don’t know if they actually read the things people send in support, but i have a feeling they don’t (it’s probably just bots tbh) because no human with a job is dumb enough to respond like that if they read the original request.

–

i thought a lot about starting over from scratch and making a new blog because i honestly did not know if i would ever get @kaijohs back. i’m just so happy it’s back now ^^

–

so what exactly happened during my suspension? i…

- turned 18 !!! - became a stressed out university student (major: biomedical sciences) - made many gifs to post - lost my queue* - read lots of manga - watched a lot of anime - went to europe for 3 weeks >>> france, italy, and england - lost 1.5k+ followers on @kaijohs (rip nearly 34k) - found lots of people reposting/copying my gifs :) - cut off my long ass hair wooo - distanced myself from tumblr for the time being - found someone i want to spend the rest of my life with

*i had ~100 queued items and posts just disappeared in groups idk where they went nor do i have an explanation for what happened except that tumblr deletes posts in your queue when you’re suspended.

–

oh yeah here’s a funny story: i tried calling a (false) tumblr support number but it turned out to be a scammer, and when i asked the person on the other end of the line if this was a scam. the guy told me to press the windows key and R, which raised flags for me. then he yelled at me, telling me to do my research before i accuse him of scamming me because apparently i “didn’t know anything”. i didn’t need to do research when i had Common Sense *insert that rainbow spongebob meme* backing me up… why would i need to run a new program in order for him to unsuspend me on tumblr? then he hung up after lashing out on me.

–

i will be posting a lot of darling in the franxx gifs btw. sorry woops zero two is still the best girl ever

also, as much as i am happy to have my blog back, i’m a little concerned with how i’m going to manage school + my life + gifmaking. i really do miss it, but i get easily stressed and overwhelmed, but i hope i can work something out because i want to continue doing what i love!!

–

if you’ve made it this far and actually read all this shit, ilysm, you’re amazing, and have a wonderful day~

#please read if you can!!!#it's good to be back #tysm for your support!#new and correct version lmaooo #text #also im so out of loop w the anime world

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seeksstaronmewni · 5 years

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Joel R. Valentine: An Under-Appreciated Sound Designer

Note before reading that, for the sake of privacy, NO PICTURES of Joel IN HIS STUDIO are allowed in this post. I respect him as a humble artist enough to obey this.

Joel Valentine is a sound designer who is usually credited for only sound editing, usually under the name of his company “Twenty-First Century Entertainment, Inc.” (AKA “21st Century Sound Design Corp.)--a private contractor who seems fairly under-appreciated. He created “The Producer’s Sound Effects Library” (according to Trademarkia), which is used by Hacienda Post, Jeff Hutchins, Atlas Oceanic, and maybe even Advantage Audio.

In more familiar context, Joel is the sound designer of mostly cartoons, namely Cartoon Network projects and the works of Craig McCracken and Genndy Tartakovsky, like The Powerpuff Girls and Samurai Jack, as well as Dexter’s Laboratory (Joel is credited for sound design on the package design/summary of Dexter’s Laboratory: Ego Trip, however, and as a sound editor on the special). Joel Valentine is responsible for the soundtrack to many of my favorite childhood cartoons... or cartoon cartoons, to be a bit more specific.

"Edits fast, sounds great, and doesn't break. The DM -80's multilayering capabilities and simultaneous recording on all tracks gives us the flexibility to do whatever we want."

This is a quote from Joel Valentine on the DM-80, from a supplement to a March 1994 issue of BROADCAST engineering / BE Radio.

Jeff Hutchins, the sound designer behind Spongebob Squarepants and a creative at Hacienda Post/Sabre Media/Flash Bomb Audio and Warner Bros. Sound/Audio Circus, was an assistant to Joel Valentine. They both edited sound on 2 Stupid Dogs and Dead in the Water. Jeff Hutchins made a number of tweets to me that compliment and reference Joel Valentine:

“Joel was a master of recording and funny sounds. He is still the a pillar of cartoon sound and I wish to recognize him. I believe he was working and had credits prior to 1985. Few people enter the business as a mixer. Look up Harmony Gold. Things should pop up”

“Joel is an incredible talent and I think the world of him. Rock on Joel!”

“Joel has a crisp & distict style. He had moved on to Samurai Jack and Hacienda started to do the FX for Dexter’s Lab. I did a few of them and really tried to retain Joel’s style. Not an easy task.”

“Joel gave me a copy of his “Producer’s SFX Library”. Joel also gave me his ADAP Library in exchange for transferring it to .wav files. I would give him any SFX he asked for.”

“In the “2 Stupid Dogs” days Joel was at the heart of everything. There wasn’t another like him. To this day, I thank him for being so out side the box as to redefine “out side the box”. Thx my brother in sound. Joel was creating the sound tract for a show called “Northern Exposure” at the same time. I am still in awe of his accomplishments. Joel rocks!”

“When I met Joel in 1986, my life changed. His over the top way of creating opportunity out of baking soda and “whatever you’ve got” is incredible. He is an innovator. Thanks for taking the time out of your life to be my teacher. Thanks Joel!”

“He [Joel] was working on those shows [Northern Exposure and Bakersfield P.D.] at the Lantana building in Santa Monica. I worked for Joel during that time period in a suite he had in the building. I worked on 2 Stupid Dogs. After 2 Stupid Dogs I went to work for other studios & Joel went his own ways. Those days were awesome, but all good things come to an end at some point. As one door closes, another opens... somewhere.”

Eric Freeman also shared some facts with me back in 2017:

“[Wander Over Yonder] Season 2 was all done by Joel Valentine. My schedule became way too busy to do the sound fx. Craig McCracken has long history with Joel and enjoys his work, so he wanted him to do the season 2 sfx... 21st century is/was Joel Valentine's personal company. He would do all the sound design and then send it to me at Hacienda for the final mix. He is not affiliated with Hacienda. Joel is a private contractor... [Joel] worked out of his home... he was the sole sound designer and editor for [Wander Over Yonder] season 2. There were NO other uncredited post-sound folks on the show. The whole series was just Joel and Myself... Joel is working on S5 of Samurai Jack. He would be the sole editor on that. The mix will be done at Hacienda Post. Current PPG is being edited and mixed at Hacienda Post. Joel is not involved with the new PPG... I did some editorial on PPG movie and worked with the editors you listed (Tom Syslo, Roy Braverman & Daisuke Sawa). I can't remember what I edited on the movie, but it was sound fx. I worked on Dexter's Lab, PPG, Fosters, Symbionic Titan, and Samurai Jack. Any editorial I did would have happened during the mix. A lot of times, Genndy or Craig will want to try different SFX when they hear final music and final dialog play together with Joel's sfx. Sometimes the original SFX just don't work well... Joel definitely IS a master sound designer. I respect his work very much... I've worked with Jeff [Hutchins] since the 1990s. He's extremely talented. I believe Joel trained him... Joel only worked on the pilot of Chowder. He did NOT do the series. All the sound design came from Hacienda Post.”

Grant Meuers, “the sole sound editor” on Genndy Tartakovsky’s Primal, replied to my emails of my questions on the show’s sound: “all sound design you hear is either me or Joel. I worked for Hacienda for 2-3 years as an assistant sound editor before venturing out into the freelance world. They are great people over there, and I'm still close with them, although neither Joel or I are very involved in the mixes. Joel is a really talented guy, and I'll be sure to pass your compliments along!” The latter referred to my desire for anyone with Joel to send compliments from me to Joel. Grant continued: “the line between "sound design" and "sound edit" is pretty fluid to me (and I think Joel feels the same way). Joel and I split up responsibilities of what we each cover each episode fairly evenly, but Joel definitely has final say and final cut over whatever we do together, and obviously Genndy has final say over everything. How we are ultimately credited isn't really up to us. (In fact, Joel initially wanted us to be both credited as sound editors, but Genndy and Adult Swim gave him his own title card, which I am happy about, because he definitely deserves it. Joel is a humble guy and often likes to fly under the radar.) We both work remotely on our own, and each have our own respective companies we use for billing purposes.” The credit of Joel for sound design on Genndy Tartakovsky’s Primal is well-earned, but ultimately he remains private in his work, and that privacy must be respected.

Genndy Tartakovsky himself said meaningful words about Joel Valentine, who did sound design on all of his Cartoon Network shows: “I’ve worked with Joel since the days of ‘Dexter.’ He’s got an amazing library and he knows how to blend sounds together to make them something very unique. For the fourth episode he went outside the norm and he found these vocal monster libraries that were done in the ’60s or something in Germany... for the mastodon episode, he found this library where some guy started a Kickstarter and then went to India to record elephant sounds for a year... all the mastodon sounds are so much more than what’s out there that a lot of people are using. I think we’re taking the extra effort for everything to make it sound unique and specific.”

Shane Houghton, co-creator of Big City Greens, compliments sound editor/designer Joel Valentine as part of “a killer sound team! They don't get enough love! Eric and Joel are amazing!”

Someone on Twitter asked @crackmccraigen “how was the noise used when the powerpuff girls would suddenly fly off made? The fwOosh/pew!! noise, yanno?” Craig replied: “It was comprised of a few different sound fx that were put together by the PPG sound designer Joel Valentine.” When I noted that Joel was usually uncredited, Craig told me that “The name Twenty-First Century Entertainment, Inc. listed under Sound Editing is Joel. That’s his company, [and] he wanted to be credited that way.” Another person appreciated the sound design of Kid Cosmic, and Craig highlighted that he’s been working with him for 27 years.

As of May 30th, 2021, Owen Fishback’s Kippie short, “Guard Duty Doggy”, was released. I saw it the next day, and it acknowledges Joel Valentine for sound effects (some of his sound effects are used in it, probably sourced from the Sound Effects Wiki pages for his sound effects, to which I contributed info but not the audio samples used in the video).

The sound effects that Joel created are very meaningful to me as I grew up heavily on the works of Joel Valentine for Cartoon Network, namely Dexter’s Laboratory. When I heard his sound design on Samurai Jack Season 5 back in 2017 (namely EPISODE XCIV), I was so impressed with his array of realistic soundscapes of atmospheres and animals that I began to consider Joel the next best creative in sound post-production sound services, next to those of Skywalker Sound and Warner Bros. Post Production Creative Services.

I’m not sure what will become of The Producer’s Sound Effects Library, though I got a copy from ebay on 1/23/2020 A.D. as an upcoming birthday gift and immediately preserved it by ripping the files off ( the link for proof read Producers-Sound-Effects-Library-13-cds-Great-Value-Free-shipping/283736597492?hash=item421004e3f4:g:rLkAAOSwAGxeE8ql ). Thanks to @wiley207 and SqueakyCartWheel for notifying me on the Sound Effects Wiki!

Here’s a close-up of the main CD’s cover, used for the 101 SOUND EFFECTS CD...

...and here’s the label of the CD. They all look like this due to distributor S.O.S.

I made a page for The Producers Sound Effects Library on the Sound Effects Wiki, of course, to celebrate this amazing, obscure library. I recognize a number of sound effects on that library, like “IN Cricket Single” (as often heard in Spongebob) and “ROBOT MOVES #1[-3]” One of my absolute favorite sound effects on that library is “SPACE BEAM DOWN.” It’s a deep drone with a mysterious, enticing musical tone; it’s on PSEL CD SY-01 - “Science Fiction”.

Regarding preservation of the PSEL: due to the copyright warning requiring “written legal documentation from the owner of the Producers Sound Effects Library” (that’s probably Joel)--though I think that the company of the same name as the SFX library, PSEL, is defunct--I believe that I can not upload the audio files online “unauthorized” “by any information or sampler storage and retrieval system now known or to be invented”.

Aside from the PSEL, I hope and pray that Joel’s library will be in good hands when he retires. Sound Ideas or Pro Sound Effects deserve to preserve this amazing library of sound!

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luckyspike · 5 years

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Definitely Not a Wizard - A Good Omens Fanfic (or: Crowley breaks several rules of Aziraphale’s bookshop)

Me at 9pm: I’m just gonna write a quick fanfic just to get some of this energy out.

Spongebob title card: Several hours later.......

Anyway look it’s more fic with Crowley and kids because I’m a predictable sap that likes children interacting with eldritch horrors.

In the days following the Nahpocalypse, and indeed, the years, Crowley and Aziraphale settled into a routine. They moved out of the city, and set a primary base of operations up in the countryside. Retirement, Aziraphale had initially thought, was appealing. Oh, he’d keep the bookshop open one or two days a week, he had said to Crowley, as the demon drove the Bentley to the chalky cliffs of South Downs, just initially, until he settled in, but probably after a year or so he’d be ready to let it go.

Crowley had nodded and said nothing. He was no Agnes Nutter, but he had known Aziraphale for 6000 years, and he was fairly certain ‘letting it go’ was not anywhere on the agenda in the future.

He was right. Four months in, when the winter was harsh and the weather was hideous, Aziraphale found Crowley in the greenhouse, lounged back in an overly-ornate garden chair, fingers steepled, glaring at the plants lined up before him. An iced coffee rested on the arm of the chair beside him, condensation running down the outside of the cup in the pleasantly warm humidity of the greenhouse. The plants, trembling, steadied somewhat when the angel came in, brushing his hands absently through their leaves while Crowley rolled his eyes.

“What is the point,” he said, gesturing to the row of comforted plants, “of menacing them if you’re just going to come through and tell them it’ll all be alright? I’ve been working on that aptenia for weeks! I nearly had it!”

“Ah, well, I’ll bring it comfort in its brief life, I suppose. Say, Crowley,” the angel pulled up a chair beside the demon, who was watching carefully as the aptenia stilled for a moment, and then resumed trembling, perhaps more than before. “May I impose on you?”

Crowley paused. “Depends,” he replied, eventually. “Can’t say I’m really in the mood at the moment, angel.”

Aziraphale waved his hands and laughed a little. “No, no, not that, you incorrigible old snake. No, I’m wondering if you might be available to … well, I’m thinking of opening the bookshop a bit more. You know. Just … obviously not selling anything.”

“You’re bored,” Crowley observed, languid and smug, reclining even more aggressively in his chair and taking a leisurely sip of iced coffee. “You’re bored and you need me to drive you to London so you can open the bookshop more and -”

“Yes, that’s what I just said,” the angel answered, peevish.

“Are you lonely? Not enjoying my company enough?” There was no offense in it, no meanness. He prodded Aziraphale in the side. “Not as fun to intimidate me, eh? Just don’t give the same thrill of customers.”

Aziraphale glared. “Do you want to drive me to London three days a week or not?”

Crowley sipped his drink again and let his head fall back, feet propped up on a potting table. His eyes closed, although he never stopped smirking. “‘Course. Been waiting for you to ask for the last two months.”

“You don’t have to be so self-satisfied about it,” Aziraphale said with a frown, settling back in his own chair with his arms crossed. “Smug.”

“Don’t I? It’s sort of my scene, angel.”

“Hmph.” Aziraphale didn’t argue. Rather, he looked to the demon, dozing to his left, and then to the rows of plants in the greenhouse. And then he smiled, broad and honest and full of mischief. “You know,” he said, suddenly raising his voice to a near-shout, “he really quite likes all of you!” Crowley’s eyes snapped open. “I see the way he looks at you all sometimes! He’ll never say it, but he does like you, all of you, in his own way!”

“Angel!”

Aziraphale rose, and primly brushed the non-existent lint from the front of his waistcoat and pants. He turned to Crowley and smiled with divine beneficence. “I must protect and comfort. It’s my scene.” He started to walk away, back to the cottage, stroking the plants on the opposite side of the row, this time. They leaned toward his touch. “Would you mind tomorrow, by the way?”

“I might,” Crowley muttered.

“Excellent. I’d like to open the store at nine, if you wouldn’t mind.” The doors closed behind him, and Crowley crossed his legs as he glared after the angel, arms crossed over his chest.

“If you don’t mind,” he repeated, mocking. “He’s lucky I like him.” He raised his voice, and glared over the greenhouse full of plants. “Unlike you lot!” With a grunt, he hoisted himself to his feet and began stalking through the rows of plants. “Surprise inspection! I’d better not see a single blemish, you miserable heaps of pre-compost!”

Miraculously, he didn’t. Not even a single droopy leaf. Even the aptenia. In the cottage, Aziraphale smiled and turned his page.

It did start as a chauffer arrangement*. Three days each week, Crowley drove Aziraphale into Soho and dropped him off at the bookshop. Sometimes he would come in and spend the day, sometimes he would leave and ramble around London. On occasion he would go on a day trip elsewhere, usually Tadfield. In the spring, he enrolled** in a university physics course. He did homework. It was interesting, and a nice way to spend the time besides, now that he was more-or-less retired.

Well, mostly retired. He did tempt his classmates to procrastination and cheating at times, because old habits die hard, and they were university students anyway so they hardly needed a full temptation. Just a gentle push, really. Also, Aziraphale noted somewhat astutely one night over wine, if everyone procrastinated studying then the average grade for the test would be a bit lower, possibly resulting in a generous curve, which Crowley invariably benefitted from. Crowley, mid-way through an equation, glared at him for the remark, but didn’t dispute it.

“Oh, I need a favor,” Aziraphale said after a minute, and more fevered scratching from Crowley as the worked at the equation more. The demon glanced up.

“Aziraphale, if you’re going to open the shop four days each week, we might as well move back to London.”

“Oh? Oh! No, no that wasn’t what I was thinking of.”

“Oh.” Crowley propped his chin in his hand and tapped the pencilpoint on the paper. It was a wonder he didn’t have smoke coming out of his ears, Aziraphale reflected, the way he was looking at the paper.

Well, Aziraphale had said math might be wise to take first, before physics. No one to blame but himself, really.

“I have an appointment tomorrow,” Aziraphale said, continuing when Crowley hummed in distracted acknowledgement. “I’m meeting a woman about a first-run printing of Harry Potter. With the shop only being opened a few days per week, I’d hate to close it down for a few hours in the middle of one of the days for the meeting.”

“Why? Planning on selling something?”

“No, but people do like to browse.” He leaned forward and to the side slightly, so he would poke into Crowley’s field of vision. “Would you mind watching the shop for me for a few hours while I have my meeting?”

“Huh?” Crowley looked up, and then visibly re-wound the last minute of conversation in his mind. “Since when do you buy fantasy?”

“It’s a cultural phenomenon, Crowley.” Aziraphale waved a hand. “And that’s irrelevant, besides. Would you be able to watch the shop? Please?”

Pursed lips as the demon considered the request. More idle pencil-tapping. The point snapped off, and Crowley didn’t seem to notice. “Just … just make sure nobody messes up the books, right?”

“Yes. And don’t sell anything.” Aziraphale’s eyebrows arched as he allowed himself a hopeful smile. “Please?”

Crowley sighed. “Yeah, I can do that. Fine.”

During the commute in to London the next day, Aziraphale distracted himself from the no-less-than-twelve near-discorporations by quizzing Crowley on Bookshop Management Principles. “Are children allowed?”

“Only if accompanied by parents,” Crowley recited, monotone. “And they cannot touch anything earlier than a fourth edition, or the books in the children’s section.”

Aziraphale smiled. “And what if someone wants to buy a book?”

“Encourage-them-to-leave-but-please-don’t-terrify-them,” Crowley replied, mechanically. “How long is this appointment? An hour? It’s not like your shop has just huge amounts of foot traffic, Aziraphale.” He looked to Aziraphale and read the expression on the angel’s face. “Two hours?”

“Probably closer to three. I expect there will be bartering.”

“Hm.” The Bentley rumbled on. “I’ll still manage just fine.”

“I’m sure you will, dear.” Aziraphale patted Crowley’s arm, and there wasn’t a trace of irony in his smile. “I have no doubts.”

Crowley did leave for a few hours after dropping Aziraphale off - likely to hunt down a decent cup of coffee and spread a few wiles around, which would be typical - but he did return ten minutes before Aziraphale planned to leave for his meeting, coffee in hand. Aziraphale smiled, and looked him up and down, hands clasped in front of him as he appraised the demon before he left.

He looked nothing at all like a shopkeeper. But he looked everything in the world like Crowley, which was, in Aziraphale’s opinion, much better. He laid his hands on Crowley’s shoulders for a second, smiled, and then turned to grab his briefcase. “Remember, keep an eye on teenagers, and don’t let anybody fold the pages or bend the spines, and don’t sell anything.” This last was said in unison with Crowley, who tried to look annoyed but mostly just looked amused.

“I can handle it, angel. I incited original sin, I think I can manage a shop for three hours.”

“That’s … not reassuring.”

Crowley pushed Aziraphale - gently - toward the door, giving him an extra nudge between the shoulderblades at the threshold. “Have fun getting your letter to Hogwarts, see you in a while.”

“It’s a first edition Harry Potter book, not -”

“Goodbye, Aziraphale.” The bell over the door tinkled as the door closed. On the other side of the glass, Aziraphale was glaring at him. Crowley waved and, with a sigh, the angel turned and started off down the sidewalk to his meeting. Crowley watched until he faded out of sight and into the throngs of people on the London sidewalks, and then turned to the shop, empty at the moment, hands in his pockets. “Right.” Aziraphale always kept a chair by the window next to the perpetually-unused register, and Crowley dropped into it, appreciating the sunbeam coming through the window and the warmth it provided. He closed his eyes, and briefly considered Going Snake just to enjoy the sunbeam all the more, before his withered and blackened but surprisingly-resilient sense of duty chimed in with the opinion that Aziraphale definitely would not approve of either napping on the job or watching the store in the form of a ten-foot-long viper. And certainly not both at once. He would probably even be cross.

Crowley opted to play a game on his phone instead.

It was a full 45 minutes into his shift before a customer entered. She was college-age, dark hair and eyes, vaguely reminiscent of someone he’d known in Mesopotamia. Maybe an ancestor, he considered. Probably not, though. That was a long time ago. She looked around the shop, obviously at a loss as to where to begin, before she caught sight of Crowley in his chair. She straightened a bit more, and he sat up slightly, under the pretense of politeness. “Uh, hi.”

“Hi.”

“Do you … have any Ursula Le Guin?”

Crowley raised his eyebrows and shrugged. “No idea.” There, that ought to put her off browsing around. She cocked her head. “Just watching the shop for the afternoon, sorry. Not really clear on all the inventory.”

“Oh.” She looked to the shop, and her shoulders relaxed a little as she looked across the stacks of books, the shelves with their haphazard organization. “Is it OK if I look around?”

“Yeah.” Crowley pulled his phone back out and propped his feet up on the table with the register on it. “Of course. Let me know if you need help.” The look she gave him indicated she rather doubted there would be anything he could help her with, and she wandered off into the shelves. Crowley settled back in. Suited him fine. He returned to his game, although he kept one ear on the woman, and would glance up from his game on occasion, just to make sure she wasn’t up to anything, like stealing or worse, trying to buy something.

She had been in the shop for about fifteen minutes when another customer entered. Crowley almost groaned. Unreal.

At least this one seemed more than passingly familiar with the bookshop. She paused at the threshold and nodded to Crowley, trying not to make a show of looking around the store. “Mr. Fell not in today?”

“He’ll be back in a couple of hours,” Crowley answered, counting down the minutes in his brain. “Had a meeting.”

“Are you a … friend of his? Watching the store for him?” She watched Crowley nod in agreement. “Ah. Er, I’ve been coming in on my lunch for the past few days to read a book.” She glanced to the other woman in the shop, and then took a step closer to Crowley, lowering her voice. “Mr. Fell said it was alright, only I couldn’t afford to actually buy the book.”

“Yeah, some are quite valuable.” Crowley became conscious of the tone of his voice, the sprawl of his knees, and wrenched the temptation knob down to a respectable 5 out of 10***. He looked back to his phone. “If he was alright with you reading over lunch I’m not going to stop you. Just don’t, you know, fold anything or anything.”

She stood back a little, visibly disappointed. “Great,” she said, though her voice was a little flat. “I’ll be careful. Thanks.” The book in question was set to a table to the side, which had no labels but was piled high with books rife with bookmarks, and she took it from the pile before walking softly back through the shop to the little sitting area by the wall opposite the register. Crowley forced a smile when she looked to him, before she opened the book and settled in to read.

Eventually, the first customer of his inaugural shift at A. Z. Fell & Co. left, looking disappointed. He smiled and waved at her as she went. The second customer also left, about forty-five minutes after coming in. She paused at the table after she set her book back down, obviously considered saying something to Crowley, and then thought better of it, leaving with a subdued smile and a little wave, which he returned with rather more enthusiasm than necessary.

Two confused customers in as many hours, he thought. Not too bad. With a little more hostility he might even be able to make them disgruntled. Maybe there was something to this bookshop thing. He continued with his game, and considered it further. One hour to go, he thought, and he started tapping his foot to the game’s music out of sheer infernal cheer.

Two-and-a-half hours into his shift, the bell above the door tinkled again. Crowley looked up, and then down. Faintly, an alarm bell sounded in the back of his brain.

An unattended child.

Oh, sure, they’d established that unattended children weren’t allowed, but Crowley was rapidly realizing that Aziraphale had not told him what to do in such a circumstance. The kid was looking at him, though, all wide green eyes and a messy red hair piled into an attempt at a ponytail. “Hi,” she said quietly.

He raised an eyebrow. “Are you lost?”

The girl stepped back, toward the door, and then glanced into the street outside. “No,” she answered. “Um, my … my dad is out there talking to a friend, just there, and he said I could come in and look around.” Crowley thought about that. Well, she was just looking. Right? No harm in curiosity, he thought, without a trace of irony. Besides, she was probably … ten? Eleven? Thirteen? Somewhere in there. Crowley had never been good at guessing human ages, and he hadn’t gotten better with time. The girl looked worried. “That’s alright, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Crowley made a decision, and secretly hoped that Aziraphale would not mind or, even better, would never find out about it at all. “Yeah, s’fine. Just, ah, be careful with the books. They’re all … very old.” He looked to the children’s section. “Oh, except those back there. You can look at those.”

She looked to the indicated section, and then turned back to him, obviously slightly offended. “Those are for kids.”

Crowley raised his eyebrows. “Yeah. Which is why I pointed them out.” He paused. “You are a kid, aren’t you?”

Scratch slightly offended, now she was clearly offended. “Yes I’m a kid. But I don’t like to read kid’s books.” She looked around. “What’s the oldest book here?”

Crowley shrugged. “Dunno. Not my shop. I just work here.”

She frowned. After a beat, she turned away, and started to wander the shelves, looking but not touching, studying the dusty spines and the gilded titles. Crowley watched her for a minute, and then settled back into his chair, even going so far as to pull his phone out as if to play his game, but he never started it. As inconspicuously as possible, which was very inconspicuous indeed for a 6000-year-old demon, he watched her. She would pause, now and then, in front of a book. He could see her hand twitch at her side, or clutch at her paisley skirt, but then she would think better of it, and move along the shelves, never touching anything, only looking.

Five minutes in, he asked, “So what kind of books do you read, if not kid’s books?” She looked at him over her shoulder.

“I like … books about history,” she settled on. “And. Well, and some kids books. If they’re good. If they have like, good magic in them and stuff.”

Ah, magic. Crowley squashed down the urge to nod. That was alright then. He was beginning to wonder if she was truly a human child, and not some kind of supernatural being that looked twelve-years-old but didn’t read kids’ books and had self-control more impressive than some adults. But no, magic was alright. Human kids loved magic.

“I like Lord of the Rings,” she went on, continuing her perusal of the shelves. “My dad always says he thinks it’s too complicated for me, but I read it anyway.”

“No harm in it,” Crowley agreed. He’d tried to read The Hobbit once, years ago, but he’d gotten bored ten pages in and promptly stuffed it into a shelf at Aziraphale’s shop, never to pick it up again. “Did you read all of them?”

She nodded, and this time when she looked at him, her eyes were a little brighter, a little less wary. “Nearly,” she said, eagerly. “I’m on the last one - The Return of the King. Did you read it?”

“Nah. Just saw the films.” Her face fell. “They were good films, though,” he added, somewhat unconsciously. “Er.”

She serpentined down an aisle, looking the books up and down, her hands alternatively playing with her hair, or picking at her skirt. “I don’t know what to read next,” she said, unprompted, right as Crowley decided she was probably alright, and anyway this level wasn’t going to beat itself.

“Huh?”

“After I finish the book, I mean.” She sighed, the troubled sigh of a pre-teen facing a significant personal crisis. “Mum says I should just re-read them, really savor the parts I liked best the first time around and maybe find even better ones the second go-round. But I want to read something new. I don’t feel like re-reading them right now.”

“Ah.”

She looked to him. “I was going to ask you for recommendations, since you work in a bookshop, but you haven’t read them.” She shrugged. “My maths teacher might know a good book for next. He gave me The Hobbit in the first place.”

“Maybe.” Crowley stared at his phone for a minute, and then, in a fit of benevolence that made him feel slightly nauseous, he got up, and crossed the shop toward the girl, hands in his pockets, studying the shelves she was in front of as he drew even with her. She watched him, carefully. “You like magic, you said? Good magic?”

“Not like stage stuff,” she clarified quickly, in case he had any designs of pulling a quarter from behind her ear or a length of scarves from his jacket. She did not know how near of a miss she had had in that department. “Like real magic.”

“Right, obviously.” He traced along a shelf of books, which were not organized by any recognizable system at all, and then stopped. He considered the book in front of his hand, apparently - A Brief History of the Sonnet, First Edition - and the girl looked dubious, before he reached between books, and pulled out another one, which had not, prior to that moment, looked like it could have existed. The girl blinked.

“Did you just - ?”

“Stage stuff,” he said, dismissively. “Old trick. Anyway, here. You might like this one.” She looked down to the cover, orange and battered, with a garishly-rendered suitcase on the front. With legs. And teeth. She raised her eyebrows. “It’s got real good, proper magic in it. And it’s funny.” She looked to him, and he shrugged. “I like funny ones.”

“Right.” She turned the book over, slowly, and then looked back to him, suspicious. “It doesn’t have a price tag. Where did you get this from, anyway?”

Crowley beamed. “A magician never tells his secrets, didn’t you know?” She gave him a look that suggested of course she did, and to stop being ridiculous. “Must have been an oversight, missing the tag. I think it was …” he licked his lips, under the guise of thinking, considered the strength of the metal smells coming from her backpack, and said, “Two pounds.”

“I don’t know if I have that.” Nevertheless, she carried the book up to the register, and plopped her bag down on the table to rummage through. “I’ve got ... “ she studied the handful of coins, and then looked to Crowley again, although this time there was an accusatory undertone to her look of amazement. “Exactly two pounds.”

“Lucky coincidence, then.” His watch clicked - three hours - and he glanced to the door. “You buying it or not?”

“Are you a wizard?”

“No.”

“Only you’re wearing all black, so if you are a wizard, you’re an evil wizard.” Her eyes narrowed. “You’re not a nazgul, are you?”

“I have no idea what that is,” said Crowley, completely honestly. “So I’d imagine not. Listen, you want the book or not? I bet you’ll like it.”

She looked from him - a hint of a glare, which was novel - to the book, and back to him. And then she laid the coins on the table. “Okay. But if I don’t like it, Mum always says I should ask for a refund.”

“You won’t get one here.” He pointed to the ‘Returns welcome,’ sign, and then miracled it to say ‘No refunds, no returns,’ hastily, hoping she wouldn’t notice.

“Wait that sign -”

Crowley didn’t hiss. He didn’t growl or do anything menacing. He’d already broken two rules of Aziraphale’s bookshop, and he’d be blessed if he’d break any more. Instead, he looked to the street, where the girl’s father apparently suddenly realized his daughter had been missing for the last twenty minutes, and looked into the shop, wide-eyed and bewildered, before he caught sight of her through the glass doors and waved.

“Oh, would you look at that! Looks like your dad’s looking for you, well, so sorry to see you go, but hope you enjoy the book -”

“You are a wizard!” the girl said, a broad grin spreading across her face, even as Crowley placed his hands firmly on her shoulders and started pushing her toward the door. “That’s not stage magic, I know it can’t be -”

“Not a wizard!” he interjected with forced cheerfulness. “Don’t tell anyone that! Definitely not a wizard! Goodbye!”

“Dad, this guy’s a wizard!” she said, pointing to Crowley, before he pointedly shut the door behind her. The girl’s father looked to her, and then to Crowley, through the glass of the door, and then smiled a tired smile, offering up a shrug as if to say, Kids, right? Crowley nodded, and then turned on his heel, heading straight back to his chair and his blessed game and the quiet bookshop where there were no children or customers and certainly no wizards.

He’d have to look up nazgul or whatever later.

When the bell tinkled again - again - five minutes later, Crowley did groan in exasperation, a little, but he bit it off before it hopefully became too noticeable. He looked up and Aziraphale, briefcase in hand, met his eyes. He looked, confused, from Crowley, to the change on the table, and back to Crowley.

“What did you do?”

Crowley stammered for a second and then managed, “Nothing.”

“You sold a book,” Aziraphale said, in a low voice. He looked back to the change. “You sold a book for two pounds.”

“I didn’t.”

“You sold a book to a …” he closed his eyes, and Crowley winced. He could feel the angel’s energy stretching out, feeling the space, reading the recent past as easily as Crowley might read a gossip magazine in the coffee shop checkout. Aziraphale’s eyes snapped open. “You sold a book to an unattended child!” He dropped the briefcase, the better to put his hands over his face. “Oh, Crowley.”

The demon sank into the chair a little. “Wasn’t one of yours,” he muttered, defensive.

“You’re going to tell me next the child saw you conjure a book out of nowhere?”

“No,” Crowley said, and it wasn’t a lie. He honestly had no intention of telling Aziraphale anything of the sort. “No, just, ah, said I’d nip around the back and get it. I got it from … somewhere else. Another shop.” He paused a minute, and considered that. “It was stealing. Very demonic.”

Aziraphale was looking at him with weariness, and possibly frustration, but that seemed to be softening to amusement more and more by the minute. “But it definitely wasn’t one of mine, was it?”

“Definitely not,” Crowley confirmed. “So really, I only broke one rule. And I did get two other customers to leave without buying anything, so overall a net win for my first day, don’t you think?” Aziraphale didn’t roll his eyes - not quite - but he did smile. “You get your book?”

Aziraphale sniffed. “It has a coffee stain in the middle of the fourth chapter. It’s going to take time to get it out. No miracles,” he said quickly, when Crowley opened his mouth. The demon’s mouth clicked back shut. “And would you believe the woman didn’t want to come down on the price at all, even with that? I spent the better part of the time negotiating with her over the value of a coffee stain on a book versus the value of the cup of coffee itself.” He sighed. “Honestly.”

Crowley nodded sympathetically. “The absolute gall.” He stood, made a show of stretching, and asked, “Since you’re back and all, I have a little errand of my own I need to run. Mind if I step out?”

Aziraphale frowned, and then nodded. “Of course not. Thank you,” he went on, his face softening into a smile, “for watching the shop, Crowley. Even if you did sell something.” He glanced behind him. “And … and changed the sign. What did you do?” He blinked when Crowley kissed the bridge of his nose, and then watched as the taller of them walked out the door with his typical swagger, without another word. He watched him go, smiling all the while, and then turned back to the change on the table. “You’re ridiculous,” he sighed to himself, in the bookshop, his smile never fading, before he swept the change into a donations tin by the register, and set about his new book.

Two blocks away, Crowley ducked into one of the chain bookshops, glancing furtively around before he did, in case Aziraphale had tailed him. With no puffy, wonderful, probably extremely judgy angel in sight, he slid through the door, and made a beeline for the sci-fi/fantasy section, careful not to make eye contact with anyone on his way through the store.

His personal collection was down by a book. He needed a replacement. He found it, there on the shelf, with the rest of the series, and picked it out, thumbing through the pages and not smiling when a favorite passage caught his eye. Definitely not smiling. He closed the book - probably time for a re-read, he thought - and turned to the door (certainly not the register - he might be going a little soft in his retirement, but not that soft), but he paused. Just a minute, he thought, and he wove through a few more shelves, pausing in front of a rather impressive display of The Lord of the Rings and all associated paraphernalia. He frowned. And then, under his breath and inaudible to anybody else within earshot, he said, “Oh, why not. Isn’t as if I don’t have time,” before he grabbed The Fellowship of the Ring off the shelf, and slithered out.

* No capital ‘A’ required.

** Meaning he showed up and nobody questioned his presence there.

*** He generally rested at a natural 9, but was capable of levels between 12 and 15 when pressed.

#good omens #crowley #aziraphale #aziraphale's bookshop #aziraphale doesn't sell books #neil gaiman #terry pratchett #i wish i didn't enjoy fanfiction so much

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