#i only have.... 16 left.
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25. vermillion mandated tea break :)
#im lessening the 'rules' for this 'challenge'.#im still gonna draw every day#but not just buguazu#ive already been drawing just normal iguazu#sketches not of him will be armored core#i want to improve at art#not wear myself down#ahhhh weekend#ahhh echoing void that listens to me whine#im doing okay. the iguazu design marathon will continue come weekend.#i only have.... 16 left.
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Thereās a lot B-127 doesnāt know
Heās been down in sub-level 50 for Primus knows how long, so itās certainly plausible that B doesnāt know certain words. By the Pits- B probably doesnāt even know what certain Cybertronian traditions are! Or even what thereāre called (and probably even more-). Heās been down there that long.
Some words that he might have no clue of are:
Conjunx
Engex
Berth (there were nothing to sleep in down there)
Any vulgar words
Shanix (thereās no need for it down at sub-level 50)
Examine
Medical terms
Most likely emotional terms aswell
Sometimes B has to stop and remember what a certain items name is. But so far hes had no reason to, so he hasnāt had to ask anyone of what something is.
I imagine that he only knows certain word thanks to the data-pads that were thrown down to waste disposal. Although that doesnāt change the fact that many of those data-pads didnāt explain things such as a āTrineā or anything else. (Those are common terms to the regular Cybertronian, thereās no need for anyone to explain what they are)
But the word that Iāll focus on today is: Leader.
āāā
B-127 has heard of it, but not what it means. He ment to ask- he really did! But everyone got swept up with work and he found he couldnāt really find the time to ask.
So he guessed what it meant. And what did he think it meant?
A friend who many people knew and took advice from.
Did he confirm this? No. But did it sure look like one? Yes.
So he supposes Ori- Optimus and D-16 (or Megatron-?) will have to find themselves a new leader to help work through their troubles! And heād be more than happy to help them, after all their all best friends arenāt they?
And best friends always have each others backs.
B just needs to find a way for them to talk to each other without fightingā¦ Then they can finally all work together to rebuild Iacon together!
He bets itāll be fun.
(Edit: I PUT B-126 INSTEAD OF 7 š)
#transformers one#optimus prime#d 16#megatron#b 127#He doesnāt know what many common terms are#solely because heās been down at sub level 50 for THAT long#I can bet you both Optimus and Megatron will have forgotten that their child has been isolated for Primus knows how long#but only cause their fighting ;)#and caught up in their emotions-#and having many things left unsaid between them-#and- Yk what Bās right#they should totaly talk without fighting for once š#I can already see a scene where B just asks#āwhy are you fighting? shouldnāt leaders take their own advice and talk things out?ā#can just SEE some of the bots actually nodding to that and some wondering what the world has come too for B#the resident crazy bot to be the sensible one#I can bet you Megatron will be the first to be violently reminded that Yes. This B#his figurative child with Optimus has been acutely isolated for looooong before you met him#and thatāll just either fuel his rage or fuel him to make amends#just for B <3#And also yes. B is the resident crazy bot because no one can actually clearly understand him because he doesnāt know a lot of vocabulary#which only adds to him talking more cause he canāt describe what heās trying to tell them#which comes off of a bunch of nonsense to everyone else#aka crazy talk
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Surfacing
#nature#nature photography#adventurecore#cliffs#the woods#fall colors#we came out of the cave here for a short lunch break before going back in to finish the trip#the only time ive gone in one entrance visited another and then left by a third#ive heard this cave has a total of 16 entrances#some are flooded permanently#others are flooded seasonally#biggest cave i have ever seen
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Crying over gyu :(ā¹ļø I love himš
#his music taste š©>>#heād literally love Jeff Buckley Iāve been saying this for so long and also the carpenters#pls let me give you refs omg we have the same taste#also crying bc heās literally the only pretty person ever#his hair ā¹ļøššš#HIS MOLES#I LOVE HIS MOLES SO MUCH#Omg we both have a mole on the left near our mouth that literally means weāre soulmates ššš¤#also him talking about how he doesnāt get why people judge people over mbtis#and saying how everyone is very different and he doesnāt judge people from the start like that SO TRUE#WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO STOP USING 16 PERSONALITIES IM SO SICK OF IT ššš#use cognitive funstions instead or soemthing š#I want to have deep conversations with beomgyu so bad like#heād literally be the best person to have late night talks with im so upset heās not my friend#ALSO WHEN HE LIKE SCOFFED AND SMIRKED AT SOOBIN AND SAID SOMETHING LIKE āYOU KIDDING?ā#DYING WHY IS THE ONLY FINE PERSON TO EVER EXIST#Iām so in love with beomgyu šš Iām so upset idk him platonically curse the people who know him irl and are friends with him šŖšŖ
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Hey guys..... I've been reading spamano fanfiction lately.... and I watched the latest hetalia musical.... I think I'm getting sucked back into the fandom ššš
#but i have standards now#in ever canonverse fic I pretend spain and romano never had an age difference#bc I'm no longer 16 and i feel uncomfy otherwise#and i prefer romano to be like the musical version of him#it's the best one#i only left the fanfok for 3 years#i really hope this is just a phase and that I'll be over it by next week#axis powers hetalia#hetalia#aph romano#hetalia world stars#aph spain#crispy#spamano#aph south italy#hetalia fandom#text
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omg... just sent my resignation of membership to the political party i've been a member of for more than 8 years. a third of my life. i've spent countless hours volunteering for them on the board of my hometown chapter and during election campaigns; some of my partymates are basically family. but the party on a national basis have been eerily silent on palestine. the national leader wrote a long bullshitty op-ed titled "the palestinians are suffering, the jews are suffering" in which she refused to take a stance and failed to distinguish between jews and zionists. and also spent more time condemning the crimes of hamas than the crimes of israel.
i have considered leaving the party many times over the years. the fact that they can't take a firm stance on a genocide makes it abundantly clear that i don't belong here. fucking sucks, man. im not sure where i go from here.
#ultimately i always ended up staying because the local chapter in my hometown were considerably better than the party on a national basis#and all of my homies actively dislike the leader lol#but i dont live in my hometown anymore and havent been active in the party for years; and regardless this is so black and white that i#cannot keep supporting them. end of an era. ive literally been a member since i was 15-16. so fucking disappointed in them. idk if their#silence is because theyre priming for the leader to run for prime minister now that the biggest centre-left party has forsaken the left#like the left literally had the majority and they opted to work with the centre-right instead and make a cabinet across the middle#so the leader from my party might be trying to appeal even more to the centre-left. idk. and not my party anymore but yeah#thankfully aforementioned homies have spoken out against israel! but not as much as i'd hoped#margrete auken of the european parliament youre the only one i still respect
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like itās so. i donāt want to say isolated necessarily. but so much itās own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i donāt think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and itās like. cmon. wouldnāt it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like iām like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isnāt within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesnāt actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place iām in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think itās making this worse. especially because itās henryās dadās local#and where henryās wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. itās like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and itās going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i havenāt even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadnāt come back iād be in a normal mental state#by now. thatās the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i donāt want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like itās not even worth the effort because itās so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i canāt deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and itās so exhausting and i canāt sleep and thereās so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#iāve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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Me playing Rimworld like a scifi family simulator? never.
anyways, i've been playing far too much Rimworld so have some little doodles of my main couple's four kinda creepy kids lol. I will admit, "Feral" is technically his nickname, but i can't remember what they actually named him and i don't feel like booting up my game just to check.
Sandy and Feral are very close in age. Timothy is pretty close behind them, and Alice only just hit toddler stage recently. I was sooo worried about Timothy when he was tiny. B/c he was born sick, recovered from that only to catch malaria. Recovered from that and immediately caught the plague. he's alright now.
Sandy and Feral will sit on their dad's research desk to watch him work in game, and i think that's just the cutest thing, so i doodled that too.
fun fact! According to Alice's genetics, she's supposed to have purple hair, but she, instead, matches Timothy with his grey/white hair.
there's a lot of other kids running around my colony too, but they belong to others (one being just a clone lol). no joke, i think i have 5-6 adults and about 8 kids running around the place. it's chaos. i love it lol : )
#rimworld#my doodles#i haven't drawn in like 5 days because of this game#so it deserved some doodles#the adults are pretty horrible people#but their kids are all creepily adorable : )#i'm so sad only Sandy got the ears!#I might let their parents have more kids just so Sandy doesn't feel left out#after some of these ones get to adulthood that is#b/c i have some work spots in desparate need of filling#and they'll be perfect for it#but if i put them to work now they're learning will suffer#and their traits will too when they grow up#i had a kid that i ignored the learning rate too#and b/c of that he ended up with a slow learner trate#but also had a similar genetic trait slowing his learning speed#that dude could NOT learn anything to save his life#it literally brought his learning speeed down to i think like 16 percent#always let your kids finish school if you want them to be productive people
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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i think a month long vacation in washington would fix me
#i havent been in over a decade and its the only place ive ever felt at home#i know its basically a stereotype that furries move to seattle but ive been going there since i was a small child nearly every summer#while growing up and i have such a deep appreciation for the land and the mountains and water there#the weather#there's a hole in my chest in the shape of an ice cold drink from the cafe my mom works at#there's another in the shape of those cool nights with the window open#watching the ferry cross the sound while you take in the sea breeze#i miss it so much i cry whenever i think about it#i left something behind when i got on that plane back to chicago when i was 16 and i need it back
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me @ me: stop thinking about your 'permanently on hiatus' teen Inquisitor fic. it's been 7 years. you are so busy right now you don't have time to pick this back up
me @ me: she was ELEVEN when the mage rebellion started. she was sent to the Templars as a political maneuver to bolster her family's reputation when she was EIGHT. her sister died in her arms days before they received word of the conclave. and you're just going to abandon her. wow
#dragon age#dai#im sorry i ever left you lil baby trevelyan#and i want to rewrite the first 8 chapters SO bad. i was apparently addicted to sentences with minimum 3 clauses at 17#i have ideas again! fuck!#the newest one is that shes actually only 15 when the conclave happens but she lies and tells josie that shes 16#because thats a 15yo thing to do and then she would be too anxious to admit she lied#and then when everyone goes to celebrate her 18th birthday in the time bw the endgame and trespasser#shes like okay i have to come clean about this. im so sorry. and everyone goes why??? did you do this?????? why not just say 18 then??#and she goes i honestly dont know what to tell you i was more panicked than ive ever been in my entire life and then i ran with it#god. i missed my anxiety ridden child#emery#em.chats
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Did you know? Studies show 90% of abused children quit right before they become the perfect vessel for a child of what they believe their parents will actually love. KEEP DESTROYING WHO YOU ARE FOR A MEANINGLESS CAUSE!
#luly talks#you know its fucked when you make a post thinking of yourself AND harry osborn#that's worse than harry dubois tags for me#anyway my beautiful step son aside uh. yeah 1) this is ok to rb but 2) this is actually a bit of a vent#because obviously me before but also bc talking w my therapist recently she was like... trying to get me to think of positives of my mother#so i'd consider reconnecting w her#and its so mental?#like woman i had to be kicked out of that house because even when i was about to kill myself to escape i wasnt willing to leave#nothing will fade the scars that my gripping claws left on that house as i was dragged away#i spent the last FOUR FUCKING YEARS trying to recover and come to terms with the fact my mother will never love me#and that there's nothing i can do to make her change#(which is what i tried to do for the previous 16 years of my life)#only for you to be like okay but what if she did like you this time?#WOMAN I HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER BE FOR FUCKING REAL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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.
#tw abuse#hi#im just lying down in the dark on a rainy day and need to vent here because I canāt get myself to journal#today i miss my mom so so much#I miss who she was before the drugs and alcoholism#she can be so nurturing and generous and kind when sheās not using#she couldnāt be the mother she was capable of being because of her addiction and severe mental health issues#I was emotionally and physically abused til I was 16 and the thing is#I donāt have hate or resentment for her#I only want the best for her#I just ache inside knowing that because sheās still in denial and addiction and we canāt have a relationship#I have no immediate family left and my extended family arenāt the nicest people#lately my ptsd has been triggered a lot and old trauma has been resurfaced#witnessing an incredible amount of domestic violence growing up still fucks with my head#it was so scarring#wonāt get into details there but god it really did a number on me#the bottom line is I miss who my mom was before the alcohol and abuse#and more importantly#I miss myself#I miss laughing until I cried#I miss not running from everything#I miss letting myself feel#personal
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I have come to say chapter 17 was everything it was too good. Like I love my babies so much. Then bonding and that kiss had me spiraling. The only thing, Iām son nervous for whatās to come because there are three chapters left and there probably be more drama and angst. Iām preparing myself to cry.
Anyways I love love love your writing and am so excited for chapter 18. Is it coming out anytime soon??
Also final thing to say, you excited for part 2? Any theories or predictions? Iām so excited I genuinely canāt wait!!
Have a wonderful day!!
this is so sweet!!!! thank you so much ššš
there are only a couple more chapters left and they are probably going to be some of the longest chapters of the fic. there's a lot I want to cover before we wrap this up. and I'm not going to tell you there won't be angst. :)
as for chapter 18.... well, all I'll say is that it literally ripped my psyche to shreds, but .... it's almost there. I need to go back and forth about a few things and then have my beta reader look at it but it shouldn't be too long now.
and I am SO EXCITED for part 2!!!!! worried nervous filled with doubt and thrilled as well!!! my opinion of part 1 is INCREDIBLY high. i think the one thing I'll say is that I left part 1 feeling like the pates really understood what I loved about the characters and the show, and as long as I can confidently say that about part 2, then I'll be thrilled. I'm not super good at making predictions, mostly cause the pates throw shit at me that I could never expect, but I'm thinking we'll see a non-zero amount of jiara and cleope angst and I'll be eating it up.
also please for the love of god someone please please please get pope and sarah out of that rat infested hole in the ground.
#outer banks#obx#jiara#never cut out for prom queen#prom fic#I'm being purposefully cagey about how many chapters are left in prom fic mostly because I don't know ksdfajhlksfj#I know it's technically 3#but#I think chapter 19 might end up getting split#I really REALLY want to keep it to 20 because that's a nice even beautiful number#but hey#21 has it's appeal#maybe the fic will grow up enough to legally drink#we'll see#also re: prom fic angst#I mean#the next chapter's title comes from the Great War.#so#that's not an accident#or a misdirect#alkdsjfhlaskdhfjlaksdjf#I rewrote chapter 16 literally (LITERALLY) 6 times#also my biggest and most closely held anti-theory is about Sarah being pregnant#I know they've pulled shit like that before where they have girls deliver a very moving monologue about what they want#and then ignore it an episode later#(hello Kiara telling pope how they aren't romantically compatible only to kiss him in the next episode)#BUT#I think that having Sarah give a speech about how she's not ready for kids and then having her pregnant would be#uh!!!!! a narrative choice!!!!!#idk I mean let's be real I'm seated for the ride but I personally do not think they are going down that path
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weird ranting about fandom is done now lol i just care a lot abt jake as a queer character. hes mentally ill and traumatized and has brain damage and is most definitely also neurodivergent bc lets face it all HS characters are some kinda ND, and he makes terrible decisions and burries his head in the sand for months instead of talking to his own boyfriend bc intimacy is simply too new and overwhelming and hes GREAT. i wouldnt have this fucker any other way
#our t#the best thing about dirk and jakes relationship in hs1 is that a lot of their problems couldve been solved if they just bucked up#and talked to e/o#but theyre 16 and werent raised by. well. anyone. i mean jake was for a little bit but dirk had idk. seagulls. and robots. and then hal#but you see dirk being so more than willing to talk to jake like all the time but hes just left to have his messages pile up#which understandibly makes him feel like a clingy overwhelming monster when hes just..............**16** and really into#one of his best friends. and yes jake is dirks only option but you cannot ignore the fact that they *like* each other#jake likes dirk so much he made a whole new dirk that just lives in his brain#they like e/o so so so much. jake keeps calling dirk his boyfriend for pages and pages after dirk breaks up w/ him#and after being jerked around for so long by jake i dont blame him for giving up#meat!dirk's 'youll never hurt me again' in the epilogues is from a place of truth. jake DID hurt him. jake didnt have to ghost him#for that long. dirks clinginess scared jake which got them both hurt. both sides of this are extremely understandible and real#i dont think either of them did anything majorly wrong to e/o im ngl. its just being 16 and traumatized#<- reasons why i find the cannibalism dirkjake trend jarring and massively ooc#like if i want some HS cannibalism-as-metaphore for overwhelming attraction stuff my first thought is actually vrisrezi but okay
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If Wildbow didnāt have a white suburban motherās view on drugs Taylor would be doing some breaking bad shit
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