#i only have like 5 therapy sessions left before my therapist is going to have to decide whether to continue treatment or not

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

my coworker randomly came up to my desk and talked about something which reminded him of his age (he's like..50), and then he went into dad-mode and said "you truly need to enjoy every second of this life. it's way too short."

i just gave him a smile and said that he was right, but damn, whenever i hear such "advice", something inside of me breaks. what if i don't enjoy life? what if i haven't enjoyed life for so long now? i am completely and painfully aware of how many things i've been missing out on, and i doubt that it's going to improve in the future. going to therapy has only been uncovering all the reasons why i've been feeling and acting the way that i do, but it's not helping in solving anything, because most of these things cannot be solved. i am stuck in this shit, and if i ever reach my coworker's age, i'm probably going to have a gazillion regrets.

[gay-dorito-dust]

Isekai Reader, looking at the half-bitten cookie: .....

Isekai Reader, looks at Damian and Duke: Are you guys sure none of you put anything in here?

Alfred, checking their temperature: I was with them the whole time and any type of liquid that should not be in my kitchen is strictly prohibited

Isekai Reader looks at the transparent couple behind the two boys: I think I saw Bruce's parents... am I high?

Damian: what are you blabbering at?

Isekai Reader: Ya deaf boy? I said I can see your grandmother and granfather from your father's side who is behind you

Alfred, concerned(a bit hopeful too): are you sure?

Martha looks at her husband: How bout you tell him this so he can believe you dear, he is the only one who knows of this

Isekai Reader: hey Mr. Alfred wanna know what miss Martha told me?

Alfred: I'm afraid I don't know would you care to?

Isekai Reader: Wanna bet?

.....

Alfred:....

Alfred, clears his throat: Ahem, I will appreciate it if you don't tell this to any of them no matter what the cost

Isekai Reader: Don't worry I won't traumatize your already traumatized grandkids even more

.....

Bruce: should we send you to a therapist?

Isekai Reader: you're coming with me then

Bruce: absolutely not

Isekai Reader: Then no♥️

Isekai reader either high as balls or actually seeing ghosts? More news at 5.

Isekai! Reader/ you: after all you’ve been through, have any of you ever been to therapy before? Like genuinely gone and or considered going?

Bruce: I’m rich

Dick: once or twice but then I remember that I have to open up. No thanks.

Jason: why pay for therapy when killing crime lords and drug dealers is completely free.

Damian: therapy is beneath me.

Tim: what’s that? Never heard of it.

Duke: I missed one session! One!

Isekai! Reader/ you: if I had money I’d open up a hospital and shove you all inside it. not you Duke, you’re my favourite right now.

Duke: :)

…

-I love this concept, thanks anon-

Isekai! Reader/you: *seeing Martha and Thomas again as they watched over Bruce* fuck sake I’m high again.

*martha and Thomas resting their hands on their son’s shoulders, smiling at him*

Isekai! Reader/ you: *feeling a little sentimental* awww. They’re watching over their baby boy. *smiles softly*

Bruce, noticed: why you smiling.

Isekai! Reader/ you: just remembering how stupid you looked when dressed up as nightwing.

Bruce: Dick and Jason showed you the pictures?

Isekai! Reader/ you: that suit was struggling to keep itself together and I thought your whole asshole was going to fall out if honestly is what your after.

Bruce: it was a phase! *buries head into hands*

Isekai! Reader/ you: that’s what they all say, but you dressing up as a bat and beating people so bad they’re left in a comatose state has to be the longest phases you’ve been in. Ever.

…

Jason: *does anything*

Isekai! Reader/ you: I can take him.

Duke: in a fight right?

Isekai! Reader/ you: :)

Duke, scared: in a fight right?!

Bruce, from a distance: STAY AWAY FROM MY SON!

Isekai! Reader/ you: I WILL FUCK YOUR SON WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! HES TOO FINE TO BE LEFT SINGLE! ITS CRIMINAL!

Duke: …

Bruce: …

Jason: :)

…

Bruce: what you got there?

Isekai! Reader/ you: a big ass plushie that’s half my body height. *picks said plushie up and squeezes it*

Damian: are you a child?

Isekai! Reader/you: unlike you I had actually got to experience a childhood…at least I think…I can’t remember most of it but I’m sure that’s normal.

Bruce: …

Damian: …

Duke: I’m pretty sure that having gaps in your memory in regards of your childhood isn’t healthy nor a good reflection on your childhood. I could be wrong though so don’t take my word for it.

Isekai!reader/ you: …consider this healing the inner child with a rich man’s credit card.

[altf4d3lete]

EPISODE TWO

- “maybe it’s one of your classmates” erm or maybe it’s your fucking son and you just decided to ignore the fact that he could be a Hyde too because you didn’t want that to be true

- Weems trying so hard to protect the school. Love her even tho she’s controversial

- Bro wednesday is better than me bc if Rowan walked in smiling at me like that I would have actually lost my shit right then and there

- “Was it to gain attention” what a horrible therapist wtf

- Why does this therapy session feel like a fight omg

- EW TYLER. Sorry.

- Court ordered therapy how badly did you fuck Xavier up bro

- “I believe you” i wonder why bro you’re so manipulative

- ENID MY BBG 😭 “i will literally scratch my own eyes out” “i would pay money to see that” and enid just whips around with a huge smile THEYRE SO CUTE

- HUH??? BY EPISODE TWO THING IS GIVING ENID NECK MASSAGES THATS CRAZY

- Enid not being mean about Rowan being alive unlike SOMEONE (Xavier)

- Yoko looks so done im sobbing

- The gentle rejection from Wednesday and Enid taking it with no issue

- ENID’S WINK

- Is the choir only sirens

- THE FAINT BARKING AFTER SHE SINGS THE NOTE DOGS CAN HEAR

- “Ever shot a bow and arrow” “only on live targets” proceeds to mansplain how to shoot a bow he’s so annoying I can’t stand Xavier im sorry

- She HATES him it’s so funny

- EUGENEEEE

- poor guy aw she just left him there

- There’s just casually a severed hand running through the train station

- THE WAY SHE SLAMS XAVIER’S SPIDER IS SO FUNNY

- Xavier is so awkward sitting between his ex and his crush AND they’re beefing

- Sheriff Galpin is kinda annoying

- HELP ENID BEING SASSY BC THING IS MAD

- Not her coaching wednesday on thing

- “go apologize” “yes ma’am 😐😕”

- Imagine losing your family to a pink sparkly werewolf

- Awww her opening up to thing is so cute

- COUGHS her GREATEST FEAR is being responsible for something terrible and y’all r saying she’d be okay dating someone who was going to help genocide her classmates that’s crazy.

- “I can’t let that happen”

- Y’all she was genuinely concerned abt being the reason the school is in trouble

- Her crushing Eugene about Enid is crazy

- Tyler is so manipulative holy shit

- God she trusted Laurel that sucks so much

- Sigh she can relate to Laurel and that sucks so bad

- I feel so bad for her the one adult she felt like could understand her

- Damn Xavier is so argumentative towards Bianca wtf

- Wednesday was so mad about Bianca cheating to hurt Enid

- MY POOR BABY CRYING ENID :((

- SHES JOINING FOR ENID BE FR WEDNESDAY. YOURE MAD ABT BIANCA’S COMMENT TOWARDS ENID

- I love how they’re always attached at the hip

- WEDNESDAY PUT ON A CATSUIT FOR ENID BE FR EARS AND EVERYTHING

- Enid just not being afraid by Wednesday’s threats

- The way nearly getting beheaded by an axe in the poe cup is just normal

- Enid trusting Wednesday to get the flag

- YES GIRL BREAK THEIR BOAT ENID

- The way she’s way faster than Xavier and Ajax because they got there before and she’d practically caught up with them by the time they got to the crypt (she took a shortcut nvm)

- Goody my bbg 😞

- Xavier getting so mad abt losing is crazy bro literally fell off his seat

- AND YELLING “CHEATERS” HELP

- WWWD I love you enid

- YEA THING PUNCH THAT MF FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND

- ENID WAITING TO RUN TO THE FINISH LINE FOR WEDNESDAY TO HOLD THE FLAG TOO IM ILL

- AND THEM HOLDING IT TOGETHER

- ENID LITERALLY SIDE HUGGING AND SHAKING HER AND WEDNESDAY DOESNT CARE

- they’re so cute

- With how far wednesday went from the quad and how quick enid found her, enid probably immediately went looking for Wednesday after noticing she was missing

- The way she’s hugging Wednesdays arm is so cute

- And the way wednesday looks at enid awww

- WEEMS BEING MORTICIAS COPILOT AND WEDNESDAY BEING ENIDS THATS SO CUTE

- “Ah yes. Me, my gf, and her 5 foot tall trophy”

- Why did she write everything in caps except the “i”s

- The ol’ Addams family snap

- Damn bro got kidnapped that’s crazy

[canonicallyobserving911]

“How I hide my true feelings from others.”

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

New Buddie Fanfic in the "What do you want?" A Series of Fics and Ficlets

The 5th fic in the "What do you want?" Series in now available on AO3. “How I hide my true feelings from others.” - Buck and Eddie return to therapy but they’re both not telling each other about recent events that happened in their lives. Will they finally have an open and honest conversation before it’s too late?

“How I hide my true feelings from others.”

9.6K Words; Rated: Teen and Up Audiences

___________

Here's two snippets from part 5. One includes Eddie in therapy with his new therapist and the other is of Buck in his first session with Dr. Copeland in more than 3 years.

___________

Eddie

Dr. Brandon asks, “Why is Buck in your will?”

“Because I know he’ll fight for Chris the same way I do.”

“But you just said Chris left with your parents even though you didn’t want him to, therefore I’m trying to understand. What does Buck mean to you and Chris? I’m asking because he sounds like he’s very important in your lives.”

After a few moments, he explains, “He’s more than my work partner because we have each other’s backs and we’ve been like that since not long after I started at the 118.”

Dr. Brandon doesn’t push him to keep talking, she just patiently waits for him to continue.

“He’s my…” He starts in a low voice but he trails off because he wants to say Buck’s his everything but he doesn’t believe he has the right to use that word. He sure wants it to be but since he isn’t, he won’t. He’s not naïve and he knows he hides his true feelings about Buck from everyone.

~~~

Buck

Dr. Copeland asks, “Does she work at the 118?”

“No but she did for a few months after the Tsunami while I was on medical leave and uh… she was partnered with Eddie.”

She writes down some notes then she flips back several pages and asks, “Are you and Eddie still work partners?”

“We are but…” He responds and he follows it with a loud exhale.

“But what?”

“I think he’s moving on too. Not from the job… well at least I don’t think he is but he’s moving on with his life as he should be but I think I should be focusing on myself like everyone else.” He replies but the words feel like gravel on his tongue because he doesn’t want to ever leave Eddie Diaz. Also, he’s been hiding his overwhelming and all-consuming feelings for him deep down in his heart for years and he’s afraid if he doesn’t go before Eddie makes things official with Chuck, he won’t survive it.

___________

"What do you want?" - A Series of Ficlets

Currently 5 works completed; 30K Words: Rated; Teen and Up Audiences:  This is a series of “Fics and Ficlets” that I’ll be writing over the course of the next few weeks and my goal is to keep them under a certain number of words. I’m challenging myself to do it this way for multiple reasons but mainly because I want to see if I can write a full Buddie story by including smaller fics in a series in comparison to the multi-chapter fic I’m still in the process of writing titled, “I’m still in love with you but… I needed to learn how to love myself too!” I only have 9 chapters left before I finish it but once I’m done, I’d like to continue writing Buddie fanfics. However, this time I’ll start with my dislike for the way season 7 ended instead of the way season 6 did. Finally, I have a lot of WIPs that I want to finish and I figured I can turn them all into one shot fics or ficlets to build the full story for Buck and Eddie.

Since these ficlets will be posted in order, it’s imperative to read them one after the other. Each part ends at a specific point with a cliffhanger and the next part will begin with the ending of the previous part. Therefore, parts 1 - 4 should be read prior to reading part 5 and the series will continue in that manner until it’s complete.

"You don't know math!" - 3.3K Words; Rated Teen and Up Audiences: Buck is forced to choose while Eddie might be presented with another option.

"Math is a universal language." - 5K Words; Rated: Teen and Up Audiences: Eddie reconnects with an old acquaintance and they spend a lot of time together. However, now that Buck’s single, he finally tries to understand math is a universal language but when he sees Eddie talking to another guy, he wonders if it took him too long to figure it out.

“You know, it’s like that thing when you meet somebody and you just… click.” - 5.1K Words; Rated: Teen and Up Audiences: When Buck comes face to face with Eddie’s new friend; he hates it but since he’s only told Maddie about his breakup with Tommy, Eddie’s still under the impression he’s taken. Therefore, Eddie makes plans to spend even more time with his new acquaintance.

"I can't stop thinking about him." - 8.1K Words; Rated: Teen and Up Audiences: Buck and Eddie are trying to move on but they can’t stop thinking about each other.

“How I hide my true feelings from others.” - 9.6K Words; Rated: Teen and Up Audiences: Buck and Eddie return to therapy but they’re both not telling each other about recent events that happened. Will they finally have an open and honest conversation before it’s too late?

Now Available on AO3

[smokee78]

This is such a vague question but how did you do it? I'm assuming therapy helped a lot but like. Idk did you have to unpack all of the trauma or like. Idk. It sounds like a whole lot of effort and honestly congrats. I'm just curious how you managed to achieve it

Yes thank you so much for the question!

So I started EMDR therapy in April 2022, which is a type of therapy that helps process and desensitize trauma memories, and negative beliefs held due to trauma. You don't need an exact clear image/memory of the trauma for this to work, and in my experience it worked really well for my complex/ongoing traumas (ex. neglect and long term bullying) as well as for our "one time incident" more PTSD-like traumas.

shortly after beginning EMDR, a lot of our DID symptoms began to fluctuate, some weeks they were really bad, some they were noticeably much better. this is because EMDR doesn't only happen during sessions- your brain actually continues the reprocessing being the scenes in the background, which can cause extra stress in the meantime! but the end result is worth it.

of course, EMDR comes with a lot of safety measures and checking in before starting the therapy to make sure you are safe, and have a plan if things get to be too much.

I'd say maybe a few months in, we had a big even we dubbed "the fusening" in which many of our fragments "gave up" their form as they no longer felt it necessary to stay separate. some "larger" and more dominant parts fused at this time too, some 1:1 with another part, and others just seemed to dissipate.

I'd say by 4-5 months in we'd gone from over 90 identified parts down to a nebulous 30-50. We were also nearly (80% of the time?) always blurry, so it was hard to identify who was left.

we also identified some new parts at this time, who had been dormant and stuck behind a layer that previously was not able to contact us before processing trauma.

we stuck around 10-20 parts for a whole, working our way through traumasostly chronologically, and hit some big targets. it was hard and exhausting work, and left me on edge almost 24/7. but I could tell despite the exhaustion, I was getting better. I was still getting amnesia, but switches and headaches were much less noticeable, we were no longer finding new parts or splitting new parts, and it felt like I had the control to find healthy coping mechanisms on my own with out my brain trying to cope for me (by splitting).

these past few months I've actually been on a break from EMDR- my therapist noticed my avoidant behaviours to dealing with a lot of the trauma I faced from my parents, and I have a big school exam coming up. so we left it for the summer, to reconvene in October after my exam.

at that point I'd had about three alters left, two nearly identical, the current host and a similar alter, and in the process of trying to meld, and one of the earliest alters and most developed, and distinct we'd had.

in the meantime, I started regular talk therapy with a new therapist, less intense but to hopefully get some help with non trauma processing based issues, maybe try to grapple some of the parental issues without trauma targets.

We focused a lot on identity, as, despite having over 90 at one point, I felt completely lost! I didnt know who I was, what I wanted, and who I could be if I let myself. I was trying my best to "go along with the flow", but I didn't realize that didn't mean I had to like *everything*, even if I was open to new experiences!

I learned how to be on my own and still have fun in the absence of other people. I started broadening my horizons and going to local punk shows and learning it was okay to not be mainstream and still be safe! I came out to more people about my gender identity and started the process to transition medically, and started being more open socially about being gender non conforming. I learned I really, really, hate cooking, and that's okay.

about a few weeks ago, I had a falling out with my parents. I won't go into detail because I don't think it's relevant, but I decided our relationship wasn't healthy, and I cut them off for good. I'd previously done this two years ago as well, but we reconciled and tried to make it work. but this time, it was clear the only person that was interested in changing to make things work was me, and after finally getting a taste of figuring out who I could be, I was done sacrificing myself for the sake of making them happy.

stem, the last part to fuse with beau, held pretty much all the resentment for sacrificing ourself and not getting to be ourself. she held all the bitterness, the teenage and adulthood angst, all the rage. she'd been very stubborn about it all. to the point where beau as the host (this is getting confusing to type- I'm both sten and beau now. I'm one. but I'm trying to talk from beaus perspective about stem), had finally said "look. I know we wanted final fusion. but I'm okay if you want to stay stem and we'd changed our minds. we don't have to final fuse to still be an advocate for compassion towards those who choose final fusion, and we're not betraying ourselves or anyone else if we stay separate."

stem said "thank you" to this, which was the first time she'd shown any genuine positive emotion towards beau or the rest of the system. (she was a persecutor at one point, turned to no role/sort of protector ish role).

beau was shocked, as he never thought stem would let go of the bitterness she'd held to the rest of the system, the fact that she'd gone dormant and lost the host role at one point, and many other traumas.

there was genuine understanding and compassion towards each other as individual parts.

that night, stem was around and feeling list and hopeless about the reason we'd cut off our parents again. we vented to our friends, they listened, validated our feelings and... we felt better. the feelings laid to rest a little, though the grief was still fresh.

we left the conversation, and noticed we had a headache+foggy feeling we usually associated with a split. we commented to a friend we may be splitting, which hadn't happened in a while, but was understandable with the stress we were dealing with

except. it wasn't a split. we fused. stem was heard by herself and her system, and validated and respected by her friends. despite losing her adoptive family (not blood- we were adopted at birth), stem had found acceptance and love from our new chosen family and friends. that was enough to let go of the hate and bitterness and rage and let herself be one with the full range of emotions and personhood final fusing could give us in this way. I also use Stem as a preferred name in addition to Beau now, which I feel is fitting. I'm them, they are both a part of me even though we're all one now.

I hope this answered your question! one other thing to note, through a lot of hard work and cooperation, we were previously able to fuse a fragment and an alter together before any therapy, with a lot of help from those who'd already experienced fusion. it's not impossible to fuse some alters on your own. (though I would say it would be very unlikely to final fuse without outside help)

[valentijnsstuff]

This has been such a volatile week, this is mostly for myself to recount events but holy shit

Me almost making an attempt last sunday evening and then finding out there actually IS accessible help for my suicide issues after scrambling to find any for weeks

being able to sit and eat pizza on a busy terrace with a friend on monday

starting the tuesday with the most insanely tense session with two therapists where I could barely speak but HAD to tell them that they were just not helping, hanging out at a besties house to calm down, reaching out to my ex out of desperation, going to sleep in the haunted house

waking up wednesday feeling like shit and to a check in from my dad, who doesn't know what to say to my worsening depression, feeling sick and spiraling the rest of the day from medication side effects, to the point of not being able to eat and sleep and having to call a medical professional for a panic attack

Calling the docters office thursday morning because I felt so sick I wasn't sure I could drive myself to the doctors, being completely out and in an intense panic in front of a doctor that I don't quite trust, but miraculously being able to get a prescription for sleep medication, having my mental coach look at me with a very focused concerned face for a whole hour as I try to explain how bad the situation has gotten inbetween sobbing, her being actually helpful in telling me how to carry my pain, having a long conversation with a 113 professional when I come home, crying uncontrolably in a way I thought only children could, meeting up with my ex to ask him for help, having to sit and listen to him boast how good he is doing now he is finally making his own life choices, getting told by him 'count your blessings', having to sleep over at the besties house to calm down again after dragging myself through all that, gathering enough courage to cancel a date that I clearly couldn't go on in this state

Rushing home friday to have my sister come eat brunch, calling my ex to tell him that some of the things he said didn't sit right with me, bring my sister to her therapy meeting, get called by my ex that he wants an apology for hurting him before he considers helping me, being forced to have the conversation in what ways I was actually hurt by him in the middle of a busy street, having my intake for a suicidal prevention counseling right after, having a good time chilling out with my sister and going swimming with her and her bestie, not being able to focus on the swimming because of all the anger and hurt caused by my ex's treatment flooding back, being on the phone with him for an infuriating half hour, being told 'this is the last time we're talking', I could barely start to tell him what he did to make me as broken as I am, crying in the hallway of the swimmingpool, calling my friends to tell them I made the mistake of trying to trust my ex

Being in company of a bestie on saturday all day, driving 5 cities over to keep an eye on the expo there and being exhausted the whole time, slipping away to have a scream crying session in my car because of how much hurt my inner child still feels from the shit my ex pulled on me, finally being able to aknowledge how conditional his love was, having to stop by the haunted house with my bestie on the way back bc I left a roof window open, having to manage the water damage bc of said window, eating kfc in the parking lot absolutely knackered together, panic planning how to convert my car into a mini camper bc of how anxious I felt at going back to my house alone

Being able to go on a shopping tour to big stores with another bestie today, but having a meltdown at the busy restaurant, spiraling about how I will never be able to live in my home by myself because the weird cptsd that is connected to the place, my bestie inviting me over for sleepover to calm me down and help me trough another night

As I'm writing this I'm noticing so many patterns, I constantly need to be affirmed that there will be a way out of being alone, my medication is definitely starting to work and I can finally handle more situations, but the sleeping in my own home by myself is too triggering, I would rather sleep in my car in this point than be home by myself

[skinnybinnietitties]

Part 2 to the rant

okayy so anyways eventually she makes me go in her room and strip to my undies and bra off and checks but she only sees cuts on my once safe zone and time skip blah blah blah she asking me a bunch of questions and stuff I end up saying too much about how I am essentially a people pleaser and I'm not satisfied with my life yada yada. And after that later in the day because that happened around 3-4 she tells me I have a therapy session booked for tmrw or the day after at 3 and I'm jst like 😦 how the fuck you already make and find one so fast😭 but yeah and I would say my my emotions were still in shock because I was acting like ain't shit happen and going to make cookie dough and cookie cake with my sister but the next day omg I was mad and rightfully so bc wat the fuck just happened to me (and she gave me back my phone that same night but I made sureto delete stuff so incase she did loon before she gave it back she wouldn't see anything) and I was just saying things like why did I go make those two last shitty cuts if I didn't make those this wouldn't have a happened so a few hours my nerves are still high asf and I'm pissed so I get a stick pen the kind you use for sewing or pinning something in place but not the safety one and scratcy my thighs in the bathroom because I couldn't get caught again and it didn't go deep but I just needed the pain (why does cat scratches and baby's hurt so much like) and it pretty much goes on the day with me in my room or forced to be around ppl when I wanted to choke my neck off and the therapist made it for the next day so the next day comes around and during that day I purge because I ate too much when I wasn't even supposed eat at all😒 and during that ig my mom is getting anxious or what ever because like every motherfucking 3-5 minutes she is knocking on the bathroom door talking about let me in and hurry up it don't take that long to poop😀 so I had to speed it up and wash the purging look off my face and when I come out the bathroom she brings me in her room and says let me see your legs and tell her I obviously haven't cut that would be so stupid right after you get caught but she doesn't listen and make me get in panties and bra (AGAINJDHSG) and she was like asking tm to show her my boobs to make sure it's not there and tryna look at my MOTHEBRFJSIS inner thighs like umm no please what the fuck your not looking there and when she doesn't find anything ofc I ask her straight up what is your problem because this is not it you tryna make me strip every fucking day and when she tells me how she's concerned about what I'm taking so long in the bathroom for and thought I was cutting I say I understand tm your concerns nd shit but I'm not about to be showing you all around the fuckin globe she don't get it and like omfg she ends up saying she will tone it down and when I tell her okay but your not checking my whole body she say "I'll hold you done if I have to" 😐 I don't even know what to say like ik she's my mother and shit but like I feel so violated honestly like why are you tryna see every where when I told you MULTIPLE TIMES that I only cut on my thighs in these two squares so why are you tryna see all in my inner thighs and on the side of my hips and shit like😥😀 but yeah after that I was not left alone till I almost cursed and was about to make a scene in front ofmy sister so she let's me go and later that day I have therapy and she asks me stuff and idk why but she asked me do I hear voices after we start talking about imaginary friends nd talking to my self😭😭 like no bestie I do not💀 but after that it's pretty much my mom done my back not being able to be alone or in the bathroom trying to take an actual shit for once or so my hair and how I keep running to the bathroom like no😭 and her constantly asking how I'm doing and keep touching me nd shot giving me hugs don't get me wrong I live hugs but I hate being pitied so it just feels so fucking annoying and so belittling and she keeps saying I'm going through something. So enough with that situation part 3 next ig....

[that1nerd-20]

Chapter 3: Hydra Hurt us, But he brought us together.

We learn a little something about Keira's life at SHIELD.

Warnings: a lil bit of fluff, somewhat angsty, mentions of past trauma, mentions of therapy

A/N: I KNOW IM SORRY!!!!! I Know its short, the others will hopefully be longer

For 5 months, they kept me in SHIELD bases, where they trained me to become an agent. They wanted to turn me into an Avenger, someone else they could use to their advantage. I know I'm being used… but it seems Fury has a soft spot for me. He often gives me special treatment, letting me have more freedom than the council would like me to have. It feels nice. The training was always brutal, they wanted to test everything about me and learn what they could.

My legs felt like they were about to fall off. I kept pushing myself. I ran and ran. The treadmill’s track going fast. The agent beside me tracked how fast I was going. They were pushing my limits, seeing how the serum Hydra had given me affected my body, my instincts, and my boundaries. My speed was clocked at 45 mph, slower than Captain America but still way faster than the average human.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

The agent came at me in the ring. His body was adorned with protective padding. I only had gloves on. I dodged his swing, landing a blow on his stomach. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Fury watching from the shadows. I kept my eyes trained on the person in front of me. After more and more of my blows landed on his body and his blows on mine, I finally swept my foot underneath him, knocking him off his feet.

Tony had visited me a couple of times at SHIELD, he said he felt sorry for me, but also like he had to protect me. So he’d visit in hopes of getting to know me better. I always looked forward to seeing him. 

“Williams you have a visitor.” an agent called into my room. Who could be visiting me? I really didn't know anyone outside of Shield. I walked out into the main lobby to see Stark. “Hey…” he looked at me, as he trailed off. “...Keira. Call me Keira” He nodded and smiled.

Tony had stopped by again. We were hanging out in my room, and he was telling me about a new project he was starting up. He was working on new weapons and technology that would aid the Avengers in upcoming missions.

“What do you think about the ideas?” he asked me, I looked over the blueprints that he brought along “They are really cool!” I had never seen blueprints as detailed and messy at the same time as these. He had planned out new improvements for Hawkeye’s arrows, new wrist guards for Natasha, new weapons for both his and War Machine’s suits and new equipment for Dr. Banner to use in the lab.

“Really?” he asked, and I simply nodded.

While at SHIELD, they were able to find out who I was, based on what I could remember about life before Hydra. They still had barely any idea of what I went through at Hydra and I didn't want to tell them. But Fury thought it would be good if I had someone to talk to about all of it.

Fury sat me down in a room with a lady who held a notepad. “Fury what am I doing here?...” I asked, I looked up at him not sure why this lady was there. She's kinda scary… “She's a therapist,” he simply states, motioning to the lady “and I think it would be beneficial if you talked about your experiences with her.” I let out a small oh. He left the room and she began introducing herself. “My name is Lauren” she started, she waited a moment for me to introduce myself. “My name is Keira,” I told her, she wrote down something on her notepad. 

During the first session, we talked about my interests, any friends I had, and what I did at SHIELD. It was just a get-to-know-me session. The next few times, she would try to coax things about Hydra out of me, it took quite a few of the weekly meetings to get anything out of me. But eventually, I started talking about it more. She recommended that I write in journals, first writing journals about what I remember during Hydra and before, then writing day-to-day journal entries about what I was feeling and what had happened throughout the day. 

[bisluthq]

Something I don’t like about the internet is that everyone seems to think that every single person should support you through your mental health struggles. It’s a nice thing to do and people who love you do usually stay by your side, but it can get to a point where you’re affecting their mental health and it’s fair and healthy for them to leave. So much of the discourse around Joe and Taylor seems to be that he didn’t support her based on the line “I know my pain is such an imposition”. But it’s totally fair if he can’t deal with it.

I would also like to add that, in my opinion, everything she says in that song (that line but also “I wouldn’t marry me either”) is what she thinks he’s thinking, not necessarily how he actually felt. It doesn’t sound like he said that to her, but whatever he did (or didn’t do) made her feel like her pain was an imposition and like he didn’t want to marry her, whether that’s true or not.

so I’ve been going to couples therapy (second time today, we’re doing a course of 5 and will then see) and she has a few things she’s said - she’s super great - that really stuck out to me. One of them is that we all have our own story and a lot of the time our story is informed by what we’re thinking and our pasts and shit and has fuck all to do with what our partner (or really anyone we have relationships with - broadest sense) is thinking. That’s been really powerful for us because we’ll say something to each other in the session and she interrupts like “so that’s the story you're (me for example) telling, what’s the story you (him for example) hear?” And like a lot of the time it’s vastly different stuff. With Taylor, I think the stories she tells herself are very powerful because the stories she tells us are lol and that’s a watered down version of what she’s thinking and feeling and believing. But they’re HER stories. And I think I’ve always been saying that but I’ve become more aware of it in this therapy bout right because I’ve never done a couples thing before and so I’ve pretty much always told my story only.

like to give a random example right one of the issues we’re dealing with in therapy is my tendency to binge drink and that’s something I’m dealing with on my own time also but some of the stuff he’s upset about didn’t make any sense to me when he got mad originally (which is why we’re in therapy now). For example, one time we were out with friends and he wanted to go home and I didn’t and he said “I’m cold, let’s go” and I said “I’ve still got half a glass of wine left”. What I meant is “I want to stay at this restaurant longer, I’m still having fun” and what he heard - because of his own cockroaches in his head and like his alcoholic SIL and BIL and actually his ex wife and shit - is “I’m prioritizing alcohol over you and your comfort because I want to keep drinking.” That genuinely wasn’t what I meant, but it’s what he heard and that’s valid right like because we all hear different shit. We all have these things right and our stories and whatnot. We only EVER hear Taylor’s story on her lyrics and that’s FINE but it’s not the absolute truth because there’s no such thing? Like in real life personal relationships there’s no objective single truth?

the other thing the therapist talks about a lot is how every relationship requires a lot of work. people all come into the relationship with their own baggage and preconceptions and ideas around shit and even if you don’t fight or talk about it, resentment grows. My bf and I do fight lol that’s why we’re in therapy and she says conflict is an opportunity to resolve that stuff instead of letting it fester and yeah I mean that’s why we went to therapy. I’ve been in prior relationships where there was no fighting but a GREAT deal of resentment on my side and no opportunities for growth or fixing it idk. To me, YLM sounds like that kind of relationship. “How can you say you love someone you can’t tell is dying” idk dude because you haven’t told him and he’s not a mind reader? And I say that with 0 judgment but like that’s legit a problem.

finally I think Swifties need to realize Taylor’s partners have their own stuff going on and like no they can’t just orbit around Taylor. That wouldn’t be healthy at all? You can’t exist in a happy relationship purely to satisfy your partner like you both need to do shit idk.

[liu-lang]

more of a note to self but i had a not great therapy appt today which propelled me to move up my follow-up psychiatrist appt ... my therapist wants to change the diagnosis that's on file for me but i don't agree with it. we ran out of time so next time i told her i wanted to talk to her about 1) how this change of diagnosis would affect the treatment plan and 2) going through the DSM 5 for this diagnosis to better understand what she thinks i've exhibited that fits this criteria and why she thinks this is a good diagnostic fit. if anyone has had to navigate a convo like this, what was it like ? for what it’s worth my therapist is a LCSW (so masters degree + state licensure) and I think I really want a second opinion from my psychiatrist who obvs has done way more schooling / training and has known me much longer as I’ve worked with her since may 2022. The entire time I worked with my psychiatrist, I also saw my previous therapist who never mentioned changing my diagnosis. I’m not here to discredit anyone who has LCSW credentials but I’m just concerned after barely a month of treatment she wants to change things so drastically to an even more severe form of mental illness. She was also very insistent on talking to my psychiatrist (which I saw as a good sign bc I genuinely think it’s good for providers to work together for a more holistic understanding of the patient) but now I am fearful that my therapist may have been adamant about this bc she might want to change my meds to fit this more severe diagnosis….which thinking about it makes me scared of losing my mind (no pun intended) bc I have been on a roller coaster of trying to find a medication + dosage that alleviates symptoms and has side effects I can tolerate.

she did say the diagnosis can be amended etc etc but i was genuinely shocked at what she said and i immediately cried after the appt and had to talk to my sisters bc i feel like it came out of left field and was very unexpected and really destablised my sense of self (ironic since the point of therapy is to help me with my problems not create new ones)

i've only seen this new therapist for about a month (first two sessions had tech difficulties so we only talked for like 20 min and have only had two full 45 min appts so far) and this whole time i've felt like it hasn't been a good fit. (at the first appt when i told her about struggling with some eating disorder behaviours and how i play violin to keep myself occupied and to distract from engaging in the behaviours, she said "oh you could also try sitting on your hands" .......like what ?.....did she mean this to be helpful ? like wow, why didn't i try sitting on my hands before, so simple !) after each appt i feel more and more misunderstood, i feel like the diagnostic change is rushed and punitive. i've been through therapy before and no other mental health professional (therapist or psychiatrist) has given me this diagnosis. it's so jarring i actually just rang the clinic and asked to see the notes from my previous therapist i started out with when i first moved to nyc (i really clicked with her and i felt genuinely help and seen and understood by her)

anyway now, this week, i have dr appts everyday :(

[blackbird-brewster]

Today sucks.

So basically I'm going through withdrawal now that I've finished my oral steroids I wā son for pneumonia.

Withdrawal is basically very full body, painful, dissociative panic attacks non stop. Woke up with one this morning.

Are and tried to go back to sleep before my therapist appointment phone call

She ended up calling an hour early because of a miscommunication and that really threw off my schedule for the day. I took the call and it was a difficult session bc I've been sick, so I've missed therapy. We usually talk every 2 weeks. Today was the first time in 5 weeks.

Immediately after that I was trying to reheat the lunch my partner made me before I had my session an hour earlier than expected.

Immediately upon walking into the kitchen I'm told we have to get everything wrapped for one part of the family who's going out of town for Christmas (the plan being my FIL would drop off all the gifts for this part of the family to take on holiday with them so the kids can open them on Christmas morning)

So I had to rush around and deal with all that. Still hadn't eaten. I get that done only to find out, they'd already left for holiday so there was actually no rush 😑🫠

All the while I got a bit of surprising news immediately after hanging up with my therapist and it's bringing up a lot of emotions (I know you're reading this and I will repeat I'm not mad at all. It's just surprising news!)

Meanwhile, my brother and I have been texting today and he tells me about all of my cousins and their kids I've never met and it's just a reminder that I have no familial ties to anyone anymore.

Anyway. I fuckin hate this time of year. I am so dissociative and feeling like shit and can already tell I'm burnt-out and it's not even Christmas yet

I hate it here.

[monotonous-minutia]

yesterday at work I had one of the best days.

a kid came in early before program started for a family therapy session. his mom, her boyfriend, and his case managers were supposed to meet for half an hour before he came in to join the discussion. they asked if he could sit in my office with me until then, because there was another hour before program proper started and there weren’t any staff in the group room for him to sit with.

I said sure--I got a soft spot for this kid. I’m no one special to him but I’ve always enjoyed his deadpan silliness and wild imagination. 

sometimes when kids sit in the office with me they play with their fidgets or cards and don’t want to talk, so I was quiet for a bit doing some paperwork, asked a few casual questions to see what he was up for in the moment. he was monotone for a little while so I put my attention to my work thinking he wanted to just occupy himself while he waited.

then he asked me what I knew about the video game Plants vs Zombies.

I turned to him in my desk chair and told him the only thing I knew about it was that it was a video game and he liked it. I asked him, what is your favorite part of the game?

The family was supposed to talk with the case manager and therapist for half an hour. the family session was supposed to be a total of one hour. now this kid’s family is a piece of work. the session without him lasted an hour and a half.

so, for an hour and a half, I listened to this kid talk about Plants vs Zombies.

he told me the layout. he told me the rules. he told me there were hundreds of characters and described his top 5 favorites in detail. he described the differences between the different levels and versions of the game and the meaning behind the various characters’ names. for one and a half hours he talked to me about this game.

90% went over my head. I was comprehending just enough to be able to ask him questions about it as he went along. so he knew I was listening. so he knew I was interested.

I wasn’t interested in the game though. I was interested in keeping him occupied and happy.

the sad thing is that many of this kid’s behavioral struggles that led him to being in our program don’t stem from he, himself. a lot of it is trauma, but a lot of it is also the fact that his mother simply does not care for him and neither does her boyfriend. they want us to fix him and use the family therapy sessions as an outlet to complain about him. he can barely leave the house outside of treatment and has few friends as a result. and he rarely gets any one-on-one attention from adults. especially not adults who are interested in what he has to say.

so I was more than happy to sit there listening to him talk about something I have no interest in and barely any understanding of. I didn’t mind that he was taking time away from me doing paperwork and making phone calls. because I was still doing my job by sitting there with him.

about forty-five minutes into our conversation, the other kids started to arrive and the staff started monitoring the rooms before check-in. I asked him if he wanted to go join his peers in the room or keep sitting in my office with me. he said he wanted to stay with me. not because he liked me more than the other staff or his peers. because he had the opportunity to sit with someone who was letting him do something he rarely ever gets a chance to do--talk in enormous detail about something he loves.

another forty-five minutes later his mom and her boyfriend finally walked out of the conference room preparing to go home, because there was no time left in their session for him to come in and participate in the mandatory family therapy. it broke my heart that they didn’t care enough to allow him to participate in the session. but I didn’t mind that he’d spent that time explaining one and a half hours’ worth of Plants vs Zombies.

and dang it, if it wasn’t my favorite hour and a half of this week.

[plantypotter]

I am in so much pain this past month. I ... cannot seem to enjoy anything without this constant feeling over shame and overwhelm. I am tossing labels out the window for the sake of this argument. no clinical diagnoses. rather, what is the problem?

one: artem. is he right? do i have low self esteem and my therapist isn't working? and it's ok my therapist isnt working? where does the pain and jealousy for those whom are able to observe and tell me that come from?

two: what do i need to be .... ok? like at peace day to day? with my relationships, with new ones, with ones i've invested in , with ones i've neglected in some way. why do i push people away the minute they stop validating me?

----

response

one: first thought is, who cares what he thinks? i know i do, but at the same time, in the same vein, i don't morally give a fuck. part of me thinks, strongly, if it's not serving me, who gives a fuck. which is true. no one's opinion of me is going to affect me at the end of the day, it's really my opinion of myself. and ... what is my opinion of myself? (god he's so fucking mean and critical. it makes me angry to think about. it puts me on this loop. do i empathize with these side attack feelings of being attacked, of being hurt, of being unsafe? do i remind myself that...i am safe, and someone saying something negative about me does not ... make me unsafe? do i deprogram?) my opinion of myself. i ... well, i don't think i'm ... independent. i also cannot handle criticism without shutting down for at least a little bit. it puts me into "play dead" or "flight" now, i think. "fight" if I'm familiar with the person, and they can empathize with the other two steps because we've been intimate emotionally, and i know they ... in some way, need or desire me emotionally/won't leave? which pushes them away. I'm aware. so. my opinion. is that, overall, 5/10. as a whole. pretty but so unorganized i don't take care of myself. intellectual and social interests but so overwhelmed everyone i do things with is left hanging eventually. has a societal vision of good communication and reliability, humor, pride, progress but does not execute --- will leave one trail for another halfway there, and never get to the end of level 1. my figs are rotting at the end of the tree and falling off. it is horrible and fills me with shame to watch, and everyone else gets to see it to.

and i don't know how to stop it. therapy? where do i get the money for that when i am constantly overwhelmed? do i stop trying to get anywhere in life, waste my late 20s just saving, doing mediocre jobs, going to therapy?

two: need to be ok? what is OK? the last time i felt OK.. maybe before my brother was born, and through my relationship with him, and my dad before i realized he was neglecting parenting my brother. when i was ok... i was... enamored with the world, every day, every thing around me. i had people who loved me, and i had places to push myself and learn new things. i had freedom, but i also had structure. i also had nannies around who... were supportive, not terribly stressed, pretty hot. i don't know why i was OK. i was also OK... when i was making enough to pay my bills and then some, seeing my therapist and had a place where i felt safe coming home to, could help my brother. i suppose i could do that here. the data analysis thing maybe delay until spring, and just.... try to save. finish my MA course thing. ugh. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i groan because i want it to happen now, i don't want to lose the opportunity to. do this COOP data analyst training thing. it's my way in.

so to summarize, to be ok: income > basic needs. safe space to relax every day. therapy budget and session in weekly agenda. supporting my brother, and family in some way. financially preferred.

i don't like. venting without there being solution, out come, next step. next step: only apply to jobs that provide more than basic needs. buy ikea rug, air filer, vent for ceiling and top of door. set up therapy, and get therapy book. text nick if he still wants allowance. email 2-3 physical therapists at u-mich to see if he can shadow.

be compassionate with myself i suppose, and also hold myself to a standard. i know its hard, but i expect good things from myself because i want to believe i'm capable of them. life will keep going on without me, i can choose to go in circles here or move in the straight line

(subconscious dialogue: i am trying to love those emotions and let them come and go. i am trying to love the emotion right now telling me i should be ashamed. i am trying to love the programming right now telling me i am behind and i should feel shame. why? why should i feel shame? is that motivating me?

maybe a little. what i didn't feel shame about anything, and just did what served me? I trust my morals... mostly. if anything. if there's problem, my system wont work and i can adjust. no amount of worry or shame is going to help me improve.

and i know if i... keep doing this, loving the emotions that tell me i am in danger when i am in fact, not going to die from these things. FUCK. i am loving the fact that i don't know which emotions i want to feed and which i want to let come and go. shame? do i want to feed it? do i want to accept it? do i want to accept all of my emotions?)

income: difference between healthy self-doubt and crippling negativity

[winderlylandchime]

Hello, i am coming to you with simply just updates that are just about the idiot..i mean my brother. I have two messages that i just have to send you. He had a doctor check up on Monday and then afterwards PT and yesterday he had his therapy session. And i have been dying to let you all know how it went! Starting off: we got to his check up and he got into the office and decided to try and hide his cast in his hoodie. Mind you it was his doctor’s coworker that gave him the cast so it’s in his file. Anyway his doctor walks in and goes ‘(his name), no need to hide it. We had a meeting this morning and we spent at least 30 minutes talking about you.’ And my brother is looking at him completely speechless and the doctor goes ‘and only 10 of those minutes were dedicated to the actual reason for this check up.’ You guys, my brother was flabbergasted. He was dead silent for like 5 minutes and then while checking his scars or whatever the doctor out of nowhere goes ‘….queer eye? Really?’ And THE NURSE LAUGHED BUT COVERED IT UP AS A COUGH. And my brother looked at them and goes ‘i thought we were friends and yes, I may have some regrets’

2nd story: after that he had PT and he BEGGED me to stay with him because he was scared of his doctor finding out about the broken wrist. He obviously decided to once again try and hide it. And his PT doctor walks up to him (remember Brian?) and before my brother even goes into that room he stops and goes ‘first things first Bri, who have you been talking to lately?’ The answer was no one but my brother was still suspicious. And the first thing he did was, he gave him an exercise where he would throw a ball to him and he had to catch it with both of his hands and my brother just stood there and goes ‘why don’t we do some leg work today’ and the guy goes *long silence* ‘cause….you didnt have leg surgery?’ And my brother goes ‘its just, i might not be able to do *waves his left arm to the ball* that’ and the doctor goes ‘okay whats up? Youre acting weirder than usual’ and this dumbass goes ‘don’t freak out but *pulls his cast out of the pocket of his hoodie* surprise’ and Brian the doctor goes ‘excuse my language and unprofessionalism but what the fuck did you do now?’ And then he told him the whole story and the guys only reaction was putting his head in his hands and going ‘what am i gonna do with you?’

3rd story from yesterday is short for obvious reasons but it made my mom laugh: my brother asked me if i could help him set up for his therapy session (aka he needed me to bring him water/pills/etc and open up his pills for him, which btw earlier that day he struggled for 5 minutes trying to open it and then went to my neighbor for help and she wasn’t home either so he went down to two other houses to know on the door to help him open his pill bottle) and I’m helping him out and in that time his therapist shows up on zoom. And my brother explains he needs some help so if he can just give us a second so i can leave. And then while I was helping him he goes ‘(his therapists name) guess what? Wait no, don’t guess, let me just show you’ *shows him his cast* ‘ta-daaaa’ and his therapist went ‘(his name), what the fuck?’

So all three doctors had similar reactions and they all made me laugh. I feel like they’re all fed up with him, counting down the days to any type of a break they can get from him.

Thank you for this update dear sweet anon. I cannot get over his doctors’ reactions to his broken wrist. They are so over him and his antics.

We had a meeting this morning and we spent at least 30 minutes talking about you.’ And my brother is looking at him completely speechless and the doctor goes ‘and only 10 of those minutes were dedicated to the actual reason for this check up.

Okay but have none of the doctors checked out QAF? If I had a client this obsessed, I may be curious enough to check it out!

The nurse cough-laughing is hilarious!

[peachmuses]

@sociieties asked: 5 times shuuzou felt something was very, very wrong. bad end.

i. the first time he feels something is wrong is when he comes back to makoto's apartment. ( he had made a rash decision in breaking up with his best friend / anger and jealousy swirling in his stomach leading him to argue with his best friend - the one person shuuzou had always tried to not hurt. he had hurt him anyways / and shuuzou is ready to swallow his pride. ) makoto's things are here -- but there's a thin layer of dust that shows that nothing has been touched for a week or so and shuuzou's stomach twists in knots. ( wrong. this is wrong. something is wrong. what happened / where's makoto ? ) he's pulling out his phone to text best friend as he moves to makoto’s room. maybe there will be something there / maybe – maybe, makoto hadn’t left him.  

[ text; ako ] where are you. [ text; ako ] came by to talk. [ text; ako ] mako -- where are you ? why does it look like you havent been here ???? [ text; ako ] ako im sure youre mad im sorry pls. i didn't mean it. [ text; ako ] ako-chan????

he finds out his best friend is in america -- and that makoto was sick. makoto tells him they can talk later. later, he finds out from atsushi that makoto had left with tatsuya. ( and shuuzou wants to cry. he knew it. he knew something was going on there. why else would makoto go to the person that tried to destroy their relationship ? shuuzou wants to cry. he's so stupid. he should have known tatsuya wouldn't have allowed him to have anyone. he shows up on kazuya's door step, and when the other asks him where he's been, shuuzou, sarcastic, drunk, replies with " emotional hell. " kazuya stares, and shuuzou fidgets, before he’s releasing whatever breath he has and drops his hands to the side. it’s not fair / he’s so tired. why tatsuya ? why his ex ? why the one person that wanted to ruin everything ? tatsuya is good at that. ruining things / ruining people. “ makoto left with tatsuya. ” kazuya curses under his breath and shuuzou wants to laugh / cry / kill himself / anything so he doesn’t feel the sharp blade of betrayal in his chest. ( he’s empty ! everything good in him is gone. the most central thing to his existence / the support for who he was as a person – gone. nothing will never be the same. shuuzou will never be the same. )  

ii. it's been a few months of therapy -- kazuya had helped him find someone after shuuzou forced himself to ask for help. he can’t lose kazuya as well – he’s lost everyone else. ( his friends – his family. all he has left is his soulmate. ) therapist recommended a psych; and shuuzou hated it on principle. ( it made him think of makoto / and how he studied psychology / and about a professor that no longer exists; shuuzou tells kazuya about it one day as ryou slaps his hand telling him he’s cutting the vegetables wrong. ) he had spent both beginning sessions with each of them, staring untrustingly at therapist/doctor – and both were extremely patient with him.   " apparently, " shuuzou says, grabbing a beer out of the fridge and sitting next to kazuya whose strumming his fingers, " the bad vibes i've been feeling all my life is just severe psychological distress. " he thinks it’s funny / in a way that it’s not funny, but it’s hysterical to him. recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder; a mental illness that impacts his ability to manage his emotions ; more often caused by severe childhood trauma. it explains the hallucinations that he has. he tells kazuya and ryou, about it too. he’s trying to talk more. the abused kid who only wanted to be enough and was never enough. nothing he ever did was enough for his family / then he wasn’t enough for tatsuya / then he wasn’t enough for makoto. it’s not fair of him to put it on makoto; when he’s the one who ended things – but shuuzou thinks it’s fair anyways. call him bitter; he doesn’t care. holiday season is the worst, shuuzou thinks. in japan, the holiday is more for couples than anything, but in america, it’s a time for family and friends to rejoice. shuuzou tells kazuya and ryou that he’s going to give them time to themselves, but not to worry about him. christmas day arrives, and shuuzou spends it in bed. he’s tired and alone / but he no longer weeps despite the distance that he feels between him and everything and everyone that exists. it’s his first christmas without makoto around; since he’s returned from america back when he was a stupid teenager. he hated it then, being away from makoto, and he still hates it now.

[ text, drafted; ako ] merry christmas.

he doesn’t send it – he thinks about it, but makoto hasn’t reached back out to him since shuuzou had told him nevermind on talking, and shuuzou realises that means makoto doesn’t want to talk to him. ( if makoto had wanted too / why wouldn’t makoto say something / do something ? ) it's the 26th, which means it’s christmas day in america, and shuuzou decides that the best way to ignore the emptiness inside of him is to toss his phone into his closet. he won’t text makoto / he won’t text tatsuya / and whoever tries to reach out to him, can just move on. he’s easily left anyways. hours later kazuya and makoto break into his apartment, and wake him up. ryou’s got an iced coffee with his name on it and shuuzou blinks wearily at the two of them. kazuya tells him that he wasn’t answering his phone, and shuuzou shrugs. “ it’s off. I threw it somewhere in my closet. ” shuuzou reaches for iced coffee, and ryou holds it out of reach so shuuzou is forced to get up and shuuzou scowls at him, as he’s forced to get out of bed and from under the covers. he tells kazuya that he feels like something had happened, that something bad was happening, and ryou looks up at his best friend in concern. ryou – who had read about borderline personality disorder, who had told kazuya about it in bed that evening after shuuzou had left. ( he remembers, briefly, doing the same, when makoto had told him that he was autistic. ryou had told kazuya about that as well. ) ryou shakes their head, “ I’m sure it’s nothing. c’mon there’s a sale going on, and if we don’t show up for lunch, I’m pretty certain og and momoi-chan will kill us. ”

iii. his therapist asks him if he loved makoto and shuuzou shrugs. " no ? " it's more question than statement. part of him has always loved makoto / part of him will always love makoto. she asks if he's certain and shuuzou softly admits a 'no'. he's not certain / he’s never been certain of anything, actually. at one point, makoto had been the center of his universe and shuuzou thinks that's stupid. there is no center of the universe / the universe is infinite; non-rotating. there, logically, can be no center if there is no point that exists within it. there is no center of rotation - unlike a spinning ball on a finger / there is no center of mass because the universe is infinite. the universe is flat; not curved - - there is no center there either / and it is always expanding equally in every direction. there is nothing that exists only in one spot / no supermassive black holes, or super-large nebulas or other foreign objects. there is no center of the universe / and it's stupid that makoto is - was - his. the night before he had a stupid dream that things had worked out for him and he tells his therapist that he had drafted another text to makoto.

[ text, drafted; ako ] I’m sorry about everything. [ text, drafted; ako ] I’m sorry this was the best I could do. [ text; drafted; ako ] I’m sorry I can’t get over it. [ text; drafted; ako ] I’m sorry I still think about you.

his therapist stares at him with dark, concerned gaze and shuuzou feels stupid. he should be over it; he should; he should; he should. she tells him that it's okay to not be over it when makoto had been such a large part of his life and shuuzou wants to laugh. he tells her that he has this feeling that something is wrong / that makoto is getting into trouble and she tells him that he needs to worry about himself for a change and that it's okay to not worry about him.

iv. it's their birthday -- it is ; and shuuzou feels less empty ; more numb than anything. his coworkers throw confetti at him, and he puts on a fake smile nd dusts himself off. " thanks for that, " he says droll to satsuki who giggles. she's pregnant – her and og had told them after christmas, and shuuzou thinks it's funny just how protective aomine and og had gotten over her – she’s just about to have the baby – a girl, she told them, excited. she’s about to go on leave, and shuuzou pats her shoulder. “ lets celebrate you, though ? ”  he's taken to regularly drafting texts to makoto - his therapist tells him that he shouldn't but shuuzou thinks it's okay as long as he doesn't reach out.

[ text, drafted; ako ] today's my birthday and i feel sad. [ text, drafted; ako ] when will you be back. [ text, drafted; ako ] i have this feeling you're not taking care of yourself. [ text, drafted; ako ] i still miss you.

she wants him to journal / shuuzou does not have the patience to journal - or the time. he's filled his schedule with so many things that he's not allowed to be sad. kazuya's birthday was three days ago. shuuzou stared blankly at the old pandora group chat that's not been touched in a good year and a half. he rereads old messages; and thinks he might hate tatsuya more than ever for doing what he'd done. kazuya hasn’t mentioned them / but shuuzou is certain he can’t be the only one that miss them. he now stares at himself in the mirror - he thinks he's better / better at pretending that he's better, at the very least. he's tried praying / tried every language he knows to call makoto back --- and nothing works.

v. something's wrong. he doesn't know whats wrong / but something's wrong. he brings it up to his psych - he tells him that his chest is tight and he feels like something has gone wrong; that someone was hurt, that someone was in danger. his therapist ups his meds and shuuzou wants to cry. he's not imagining it - he's not. he tries to tell them ; but they tell him that it's just a mental break and shuuzou shatters glass in his hand / he's jolted into the here / now; and stares at bloody hand and his psychitrast stares at him. shuuzou hates him. shuuzou hates makoto too. shuuzou hates tatsuya the most. he hates that he loved makoto / and it wasn't enough. splitting, his therapist had told him when he was diagnosed, is often caused by an event that makes an person with borderline personality disorder to take an extreme emotional viewpoint. she explained it to him as when a person has difficulties assessing a situtation, / polarizing a view of a person as strictly good / bad. it was his own mind that ruined things / because, shuuzou always ruins things. his heart is heavy / a burden. he wonders when he can think / say makoto’s name without it hurting ?  he wonders how he can get rid of it ? it's been ages, and shuuzou still feels stuck. it's been over a year, and shuuzou still feels like he's stuck. kazuya brings up his hand and why it's bandaged, later on, and shuuzou shrugs. " accidently broke some glass. " he sends a tired grin to kazuya, " i'm too old to fight anyone anymore, don't worry. i've left that all in the past. "