plantypotter

[plantypotter]

the peace I envision hanging myself when I remember I left you with that demon to shape your mind

to leave you to pick up the pieces though? no. I’ll stay

[plantypotter]

Reflections from flipturn

3 realizations came to me about how I perceive myself. First, when desired by someone more powerful than me I invest energy into becoming more powerful. When I am not, I do put in less.

-

morning after. Too hungover to remember the other 2.

[plantypotter]

god these people are so fucking ignorant

> people are afraid of things that are different

Are they? I am not. I find novelty in it.

> people are too lazy to believe in something?

Fuck you. That’s wrong.

That is the last time I ask … general life questions. Multi perspectives exists with truth in both.

Maybe that was a good conversation.

have you ever been shamed intellectually? I am going to fucking cum

[plantypotter]

fuck you. fuck you. Why am in the fucking park blowing off going out staring at the stars thinking about kissing you instead?

it’s ok to feel my fucking emotions but how many times will it take me to realize I will probably not stop being attracted to you? Nor stop emotionally empathizing with what I perceive you to feel? no matter who you fuck or how you decide to treat me?

[plantypotter]

no because why is he on grindr. i am the worst for not being able to make up my mind. Stuck between wanting to support and wanting to bait into going deeper. Peace says do nothing and then have a little fun and bait him in person. he hasn’t exactly said no…

[plantypotter]

the feeling of death is murky

whispers of the souls from behind my ear

[plantypotter]

Hair progress ruined. Healthy low porosity curls gone. Yet I don’t know that i care all that much anymore. I know HOW to keep it healthy now. It’ll grow out. Maybe a cute bob for me at 28. Who cares :)

[plantypotter]

it seems I am in some sort of purgatory. “Relationships involve social skills, emotional skills, and luck. I've found more joy from being alone, personally. I have friends, a career, and hobbies. I have peace. That's priceless.”

[plantypotter]

[plantypotter]

today is the worst day I’ve had in a long time. I feel the depression at bay. I am stuck in monotony. need the gym. need goals. need less distraction. I can make next weekend different it’s a goal. visual somewhere good. take care of yourself and focus on your goal. five minutes each. The night is still young

[plantypotter]

failed again and might be fired from my first big girl job this week. might have permanent nerve damage. trump is creating a dystopian government. i am technically disabled and should not have kids. beauty keeps me going but the future is looking bleak

[plantypotter]

so tired of these situations. listening to arguments in a room next to me. i want to enjoy my fucking rent and that’s what I will do. why the fuck am I listening to someone insult my father and listening to my father have no boundaries. why am I not sleeping peacefully but instead being woken up in the middle of the night? Not being showered with love everyday? simply because I made the mistake to accept less when it was not shown to me the first time. the free rent was nice while it lasted but I guess I’m out

[plantypotter]

I know the best way to love you is to actively not be a part of your life. baby. what does that look like? Not having unhelpful thoughts that perpetuate you that when a little reminder pops up? Fuck. Fuck. God fuck. I can tolerate discomfort. But this is agony. This is torture and crime and punishment. it seems I can tolerate darkness, because that what this is. What I would do to hear you sing again. I ruined it all. I ruined it all. Patience. I’m glad that you had that there. That barrier. I didn’t realize what that meant and thank you for teaching me. Oh my god. Oh my god. I can’t breathe. This is a blessing and I know that. And there is no way to thank you. God I wish I could thank you. I’ve been through this route before. Wanting to thank them. It .. passes. In shutting off communication you cut off that possibility. It’s a minor desire of minor consequence. Bye I guess.

This behavior, often called "negative reinforcement," can stem from a variety of reasons, such as:

“Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may seek out confirmation of their insecurities as a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own happiness and growth.”

[plantypotter]

I want fucking floors to walk barefoot on. I want friends that like to talk to me and see me when I’m close by. I … want to feel good and normal and not leaks of “do you hate me”. I want to feel aversion to …. Thoughts like this because I want to feel peace instead. I miss it. I’m not sure what to do in the in between phases. I used or just cry until I get physically exhausted. What’s stopping me from doing that now?

[plantypotter]

This behavior, often called "negative reinforcement," can stem from a variety of reasons, such as:

“Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may seek out confirmation of their insecurities as a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own happiness and growth.”

[plantypotter]

I would do any fucking thing to be your friend again teddy. anything to look into your eyes and watch you fuck me use like an object, more realistically, because I have no value to you as a friend anymore since I critiqued you. It’s a good move. I wish I had the balls to cut people off that harm via lack of self care rather than only through hatred and sadism. maybe I’m that close

nonverbal communication is so fucking SO FUCKING HOT

anything anything anything anything (almost, keep my family out of it)

[plantypotter]

You will get farther in one week paying close, nonjudgmental attention to the unmet needs underlying your "bad" behavior than you will in a year of punishing yourself and demanding you become a different person. I'm right shut up.