plantypotter

[plantypotter]

failed again and might be fired from my first big girl job this week. might have permanent nerve damage. trump is creating a dystopian government. i am technically disabled and should not have kids. beauty keeps me going but the future is looking bleak

[plantypotter]

so tired of these situations. listening to arguments in a room next to me. i want to enjoy my fucking rent and that’s what I will do. why the fuck am I listening to someone insult my father and listening to my father have no boundaries. why am I not sleeping peacefully but instead being woken up in the middle of the night? Not being showered with love everyday? simply because I made the mistake to accept less when it was not shown to me the first time. the free rent was nice while it lasted but I guess I’m out

[plantypotter]

I know the best way to love you is to actively not be a part of your life. baby. what does that look like? Not having unhelpful thoughts that perpetuate you that when a little reminder pops up? Fuck. Fuck. God fuck. I can tolerate discomfort. But this is agony. This is torture and crime and punishment. it seems I can tolerate darkness, because that what this is. What I would do to hear you sing again. I ruined it all. I ruined it all. Patience. I’m glad that you had that there. That barrier. I didn’t realize what that meant and thank you for teaching me. Oh my god. Oh my god. I can’t breathe. This is a blessing and I know that. And there is no way to thank you. God I wish I could thank you. I’ve been through this route before. Wanting to thank them. It .. passes. In shutting off communication you cut off that possibility. It’s a minor desire of minor consequence. Bye I guess.

This behavior, often called "negative reinforcement," can stem from a variety of reasons, such as:

“Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may seek out confirmation of their insecurities as a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own happiness and growth.”

[plantypotter]

I want fucking floors to walk barefoot on. I want friends that like to talk to me and see me when I’m close by. I … want to feel good and normal and not leaks of “do you hate me”. I want to feel aversion to …. Thoughts like this because I want to feel peace instead. I miss it. I’m not sure what to do in the in between phases. I used or just cry until I get physically exhausted. What’s stopping me from doing that now?

[plantypotter]

This behavior, often called "negative reinforcement," can stem from a variety of reasons, such as:

“Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may seek out confirmation of their insecurities as a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own happiness and growth.”

[plantypotter]

I would do any fucking thing to be your friend again teddy. anything to look into your eyes and watch you fuck me use like an object, more realistically, because I have no value to you as a friend anymore since I critiqued you. It’s a good move. I wish I had the balls to cut people off that harm via lack of self care rather than only through hatred and sadism. maybe I’m that close

nonverbal communication is so fucking SO FUCKING HOT

anything anything anything anything (almost, keep my family out of it)

[plantypotter]

You will get farther in one week paying close, nonjudgmental attention to the unmet needs underlying your "bad" behavior than you will in a year of punishing yourself and demanding you become a different person. I'm right shut up.

[plantypotter]

shopgeminijewels

[plantypotter]

imagine being written a playlist with the purpose of being informed by someone you are in love with that they to be friends. Even that is … so sweet. I cannot comprehend how the river will ever carry me to such a moment again, even though the possibility exists

[plantypotter]

pov: you are overwhelmed and ashamed

Inspo: a convo between me and the internet

The cycle of self-doubt is a pattern where negative thoughts about yourself lead to negative feelings, which then reinforce those negative thoughts. Here's how it breaks down in your situation:

Trigger: You hear criticism from Artem or experience some kind of setback.

Negative Thoughts: You start thinking critically about yourself, questioning your abilities or worth.

Negative Feelings: This negativity leads to feelings of shame, anger, or sadness.

Reduced Confidence: These feelings then make you feel less confident in yourself.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: Because you doubt yourself, you might avoid challenges or not put in your best effort, which can lead to more setbacks, restarting the cycle.

Your internal conflict about Artem's comment highlights this cycle. Part of you wants to dismiss his opinion, but another part feels the sting of his criticism. This shows you're caught in a battle between your inner critic and a healthier self-doubt that can motivate you to improve.

-----

By recognizing healthy self-doubt, you can harness its power to motivate yourself. It can be a nudge to ask yourself:

What went well? (sunlight through the fog. always there if you look)

What could I have done differently? (what is the mist feeding)

Assume you have hope, what's the next step?

What can I learn from this experience to improve next time?

Is this thought a wisp of mist, offering a different perspective, or a dense fog bank, obscuring reality? Sometimes, a little mist can reveal hidden paths, while a thick fog can completely distort your surroundings.

Does this thought guide me like a steady breeze, propelling me forward, or does it swirl and eddy, pulling me back into the swamp? Helpful negativity is like a gentle breeze, urging you to adjust your course. Unhelpful negativity is a swirling vortex, trapping you in self-doubt.

What emotions lie beneath the fog? Is it the chill of fear, the dampness of sadness, or the anger of a storm brewing within? Identifying the underlying emotions can help you understand the source of the negativity.

Acknowledge the extra path you've had to forge. It's a testament to your resilience and strength.

Celebrate your own stepping stones, no matter how small they may seem to others traversing a smoother path.

Focus on the distance you've covered, not just the vast swamp that may still lie ahead.

[plantypotter]

pov: you're catastrophizing

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Steam billows from a clawfoot bathtub filled with rose-petal-strewn water. EMMA (30s), with dark circles under her eyes, closes her eyes and leans back against the porcelain. She sighs, the sound heavy with exhaustion.

EMMA (V.O.) Sometimes, the only escape is the water. Here, the world melts away, the noise fades, and I'm left with just... me.

A soft, ethereal glow emanates from the water. Emma opens her eyes cautiously.

EMMA Hello?

UNIVERSE (V.O.) (Warm, all-encompassing) Emma. You seem troubled.

Emma looks around the room, searching for the source of the voice.

EMMA Who's there?

UNIVERSE (V.O.) I am the Universe. The flow of time, the whisper of stars, the rhythm of your beating heart. I am all and everything.

EMMA The Universe? Here? In my bathtub?

A gentle chuckle fills the air.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Think of me as less of a location and more of a... presence. You called out, and I am here.

EMMA I... I don't even know what to say.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Speak freely, child. What burdens your spirit?

Emma hesitates, then takes a deep breath.

EMMA It's this feeling. This constant weight on my chest. Like a heavy fog clouding my thoughts.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Ah, the fog of self-doubt. It obscures the path for many travelers.

EMMA It started with something Artem said, but it feels bigger than that now. Like a thick blanket muffling everything good.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) The cycle of negativity, a familiar pattern. A trigger, a descent into doubt, a loss of clarity. But there is a way to navigate out of the fog, Emma.

EMMA How?

UNIVERSE (V.O.) First, acknowledge the fog. Feel its presence, but don't let it define you.

Emma closes her eyes, focusing inward. The steam thickens, swirling around her like a white shroud.

EMMA (V.O.) It's disorienting. I can barely see anything.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) The fog represents your worries, Emma. But remember, fog is made of water vapor, the same life-giving force that nourishes the earth.

EMMA But it's blinding me. I can't see the path forward, the good things that might be there.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Indeed. But fog can also lift, revealing a clear sky and a radiant sun.

A faint glow appears within the fog, growing brighter.

EMMA There is a little light in there.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Exactly. When negativity threatens to obscure your vision, Emma, shift your focus to that light.

EMMA Focus on the good things.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Yes. The progress you've made, the lessons learned, the small victories. These are the embers that can help you ignite your own inner light and burn away the fog.

The fog begins to thin, wisps of steam dissipating towards the ceiling.

EMMA I've come a long way. I don't have to be stuck in this place forever.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) And the negativity itself? Sometimes it can be like a passing mist, a temporary obscuration.

EMMA But not all mists are bad. They can water the plants and create beautiful rainbows.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Precisely, Emma. There is a difference between a gentle mist that refreshes your spirit and a dense fog that hinders your journey.

EMMA So, how do I know the difference?

UNIVERSE (V.O.) The helpful whispers caution, offering alternative perspectives. The unhelpful ones shout, drowning out your inner voice and filling you with fear.

EMMA I need to learn to listen more carefully. But sometimes, when the fog is thick, it's hard to see anything clearly. It's like trying to navigate a swamp at night, with only whispers and shadows for guidance.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Indeed, Emma. A wise traveler in such a situation wouldn't rely solely on what they can't see. They would use other senses – the feel of the ground beneath their feet, the direction of the wind, the calls of the night creatures.

EMMA So, how can I apply that to my own situation?

UNIVERSE (V.O.) When the fog of negativity rolls in, use these tools to discern its nature:

Is this thought a wisp of mist, offering a different perspective, or a dense fog bank, obscuring reality? Sometimes, a little mist can reveal hidden paths, while a thick fog can completely distort your surroundings.

Does this thought guide me like a steady breeze, propelling me forward, or does it swirl and eddy, pulling me back into the swamp? Helpful negativity is like a gentle breeze, urging you to adjust your course. Unhelpful negativity is a swirling vortex, trapping you in self-doubt.

What emotions lie beneath the fog? Is it the chill of fear, the dampness of sadness, or the anger of a storm brewing within? Identifying the underlying emotions can help you understand the source of the negativity.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Yes, Emma. Here's a key: When negativity arises, ask yourself these questions:

Is this thought based on reality, or is it distorted by fear? Sometimes, negativity takes a situation and blows it out of proportion.

Does this thought help me move forward, or does it hold me back? Helpful negativity nudges you towards improvement, while unhelpful negativity keeps you stuck in a cycle of self-doubt.

What is the feeling behind this thought? Is it fear, anger, or sadness? Identifying the emotion can help you understand the root cause of the negativity.

EMMA Those are good questions, Universe. But sometimes, when the fog is thick, it's hard to see anything clearly. It's like trying to navigate a swamp at night, with only whispers and shadows for guidance.

EMMA Those are great metaphors, Universe. It makes it easier to imagine navigating the fog.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Remember, Emma, even in the thickest fog, there are ways to find your way.

EMMA So, the next time the fog rolls in, I should ask myself these questions and be kind to myself?

UNIVERSE (V.O.) Precisely. And remember, the fog doesn't have to disappear completely for you to find your way. Sometimes, all it takes is a small shift in perspective, a tiny ray of light, to guide you through the murk.

EMMA A small shift in perspective.

The remaining fog in the bathroom swirls and condenses, forming a miniature lighthouse on the edge of the tub. A warm beam of light cuts through the steam, illuminating a path towards the window.

EMMA (V.O.) That's a beautiful image.

UNIVERSE (V.O.) You have the strength and resilience to navigate through any fog, Emma. Never forget that.

EMMA But what if the fog seems to follow me everywhere? Like I'm constantly working twice as hard as everyone else, yet still falling short.

UNIVERSE (V.o.) Ah, the burden of perceived inequality. A heavy fog indeed.

EMMA It's like everyone else seems to glide effortlessly through life, while I'm constantly slogging through mud. It's exhausting, and it makes me feel like a failure.

UNIVERSE (V.o.) The whispers of shame and self-doubt can be deafening in such situations, Emma.

EMMA Exactly! It's not even like I'm asking for special treatment, just a level playing field. But sometimes it feels like I'm starting the race ten miles behind everyone else.

UNIVERSE (V.o.) It's understandable to feel frustrated, Emma. But remember, everyone's journey is unique.

EMMA That's a nice sentiment, but it doesn't pay the bills.

UNIVERSE (V.o.) True. But focusing solely on the perceived unfairness can keep you stuck in the fog. Here's another way to navigate this:

Acknowledge the extra path you've had to forge. It's a testament to your resilience and strength.

Celebrate your own stepping stones, no matter how small they may seem to others traversing a smoother path.

Focus on the distance you've covered, not just the vast swamp that may still lie ahead.

By shifting your perspective, Emma, you can create a clearing within the fog.

EMMA So, I should stop comparing myself to others and focus on my own journey?

UNIVERSE (V.o.) Precisely. And remember, even the most accomplished travelers sometimes face detours and challenges.

EMMA Okay. I can try.

A long silence stretches between them. The steam begins to dissipate, revealing a clear night sky through the window. Stars twinkle brightly.

EMMA (V.o.) Maybe the fog isn't so bad after all. Maybe it just means I'm on a different path, with a different view.

UNIVERSE (V.o.) Indeed, Emma. And a beautiful view it is, once you learn to appreciate the journey.

The lighthouse on the edge of the tub winks back on, casting its beam towards the window. Emma smiles, a newfound sense of peace settling over her.

EMMA Thank you.

A soft breeze blows through the bathroom, carrying the scent of roses.

EMMA (V.O.) Maybe the answer isn't silencing the negativity, but learning to dance with it in the rain.

Emma smiles, a newfound sense of peace settling over her. She knows the challenges will come again, but she also knows she has the tools to face them.

FADE OUT.

----

Inspo: a convo between me and the internet

The cycle of self-doubt is a pattern where negative thoughts about yourself lead to negative feelings, which then reinforce those negative thoughts. Here's how it breaks down in your situation:

Trigger: You hear criticism from Artem or experience some kind of setback.

Negative Thoughts: You start thinking critically about yourself, questioning your abilities or worth.

Negative Feelings: This negativity leads to feelings of shame, anger, or sadness.

Reduced Confidence: These feelings then make you feel less confident in yourself.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: Because you doubt yourself, you might avoid challenges or not put in your best effort, which can lead to more setbacks, restarting the cycle.

Your internal conflict about Artem's comment highlights this cycle. Part of you wants to dismiss his opinion, but another part feels the sting of his criticism. This shows you're caught in a battle between your inner critic and a healthier self-doubt that can motivate you to improve.

-----

By recognizing healthy self-doubt, you can harness its power to motivate yourself. It can be a nudge to ask yourself:

What went well?

What could I have done differently?

What can I learn from this experience to improve next time?

This approach allows you to learn from your experiences without getting stuck in a cycle of shame and self-criticism.

-------

"So with artem, there is critique that i respond to trigger of critcism or set backs by inducing negative self-view. and instead i should focus on the positive and learning experiences when a trigger comes up. like how i've made progress, next time at work i can.. prepare. also, when a trigger comes up and i start to have negative thoughts/feelings, be compassionate and accept them, let them pass, instead of trying to suppress them. create a space to process them because clearly they won't go away."

----

Exactly! You've perfectly captured the key points. Here's a breakdown of your understanding:

Artem's Critique:

You identified that Artem's comment triggered a negative self-view.

This highlights your pattern of self-doubt.

Shifting Focus:

Instead of dwelling on the negativity, you'll focus on positive aspects:

Your progress ("I've made progress")

Learning opportunities ("next time at work I can... prepare")

Responding to Triggers:

When triggers arise, you'll practice self-compassion:

Acknowledge negative thoughts/feelings ("accept them")

Let them pass without judgment ("let them pass")

Create space for processing ("process them") – trying to suppress them often makes them stronger.

This approach will help you break the cycle of self-doubt and build resilience.

Here are some additional tips:

Reframe Negative Thoughts: When negativity creeps in, challenge its validity. Is it helpful or true?

Positive Self-Affirmations: Counter negativity with positive affirmations about yourself and your abilities.

Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small. This helps build confidence.

Remember, change takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself, and don't get discouraged by setbacks. You're on the right track to developing a healthier relationship with yourself.

---

what negative thoughts are helpful?

---

You raise a good point. Negative thoughts can sometimes be helpful, acting as a warning or motivator. Here's the key: it's all about finding the balance between healthy self-doubt and negativity that cripples you.

Here's how negative thoughts can be helpful:

Identifying Problems: They can alert you to potential issues or areas needing improvement. For example, if you have a negative thought about an upcoming presentation, it might prompt you to practice more and feel more prepared.

Motivation for Change: Negative thoughts about a situation can motivate you to take action and improve it. For instance, disliking your cluttered apartment might inspire you to clean and organize.

However, negative thoughts become unhelpful when they:

Are Unrealistic: They focus on worst-case scenarios or blow things out of proportion.

Lead to Unhelpful Behaviors: They cause you to avoid challenges, withdraw from social interaction, or engage in self-destructive behaviors.

Make You Feel Worse: They lead to shame, anxiety, or depression, hindering your ability to cope and improve.

Finding the Balance:

The key is to learn how to distinguish between helpful and unhelpful negative thoughts. Here are some strategies:

Challenge the Thought: When a negative thought arises, question its validity. Is it based on facts, or is it distorted by negativity?

Consider the Purpose: Ask yourself what purpose the thought serves. Is it motivating you to improve a situation, or is it simply making you feel bad?

Focus on Solutions: Instead of dwelling on the negative, shift your focus to solutions. What can you do to address the issue raised by the thought?

Example:

Negative Thought: "I'm going to mess up this presentation at work." (Unhelpful if it leads to anxiety and prevents you from practicing.)

Challenge the Thought: "What evidence do I have to support this? I've done well in presentations before. Maybe I can practice more to feel more confident." (Helpful because it allows you to address the concern constructively.)

Remember:

It's okay to experience negative thoughts – they're a normal part of life. What matters is how you respond to them. By learning to differentiate between helpful and unhelpful negativity, you can use them to your advantage and build a more positive outlook.

[plantypotter]

I am in so much pain this past month. I ... cannot seem to enjoy anything without this constant feeling over shame and overwhelm. I am tossing labels out the window for the sake of this argument. no clinical diagnoses. rather, what is the problem?

one: artem. is he right? do i have low self esteem and my therapist isn't working? and it's ok my therapist isnt working? where does the pain and jealousy for those whom are able to observe and tell me that come from?

two: what do i need to be .... ok? like at peace day to day? with my relationships, with new ones, with ones i've invested in , with ones i've neglected in some way. why do i push people away the minute they stop validating me?

----

response

one: first thought is, who cares what he thinks? i know i do, but at the same time, in the same vein, i don't morally give a fuck. part of me thinks, strongly, if it's not serving me, who gives a fuck. which is true. no one's opinion of me is going to affect me at the end of the day, it's really my opinion of myself. and ... what is my opinion of myself? (god he's so fucking mean and critical. it makes me angry to think about. it puts me on this loop. do i empathize with these side attack feelings of being attacked, of being hurt, of being unsafe? do i remind myself that...i am safe, and someone saying something negative about me does not ... make me unsafe? do i deprogram?) my opinion of myself. i ... well, i don't think i'm ... independent. i also cannot handle criticism without shutting down for at least a little bit. it puts me into "play dead" or "flight" now, i think. "fight" if I'm familiar with the person, and they can empathize with the other two steps because we've been intimate emotionally, and i know they ... in some way, need or desire me emotionally/won't leave? which pushes them away. I'm aware. so. my opinion. is that, overall, 5/10. as a whole. pretty but so unorganized i don't take care of myself. intellectual and social interests but so overwhelmed everyone i do things with is left hanging eventually. has a societal vision of good communication and reliability, humor, pride, progress but does not execute --- will leave one trail for another halfway there, and never get to the end of level 1. my figs are rotting at the end of the tree and falling off. it is horrible and fills me with shame to watch, and everyone else gets to see it to.

and i don't know how to stop it. therapy? where do i get the money for that when i am constantly overwhelmed? do i stop trying to get anywhere in life, waste my late 20s just saving, doing mediocre jobs, going to therapy?

two: need to be ok? what is OK? the last time i felt OK.. maybe before my brother was born, and through my relationship with him, and my dad before i realized he was neglecting parenting my brother. when i was ok... i was... enamored with the world, every day, every thing around me. i had people who loved me, and i had places to push myself and learn new things. i had freedom, but i also had structure. i also had nannies around who... were supportive, not terribly stressed, pretty hot. i don't know why i was OK. i was also OK... when i was making enough to pay my bills and then some, seeing my therapist and had a place where i felt safe coming home to, could help my brother. i suppose i could do that here. the data analysis thing maybe delay until spring, and just.... try to save. finish my MA course thing. ugh. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i groan because i want it to happen now, i don't want to lose the opportunity to. do this COOP data analyst training thing. it's my way in.

so to summarize, to be ok: income > basic needs. safe space to relax every day. therapy budget and session in weekly agenda. supporting my brother, and family in some way. financially preferred.

i don't like. venting without there being solution, out come, next step. next step: only apply to jobs that provide more than basic needs. buy ikea rug, air filer, vent for ceiling and top of door. set up therapy, and get therapy book. text nick if he still wants allowance. email 2-3 physical therapists at u-mich to see if he can shadow.

be compassionate with myself i suppose, and also hold myself to a standard. i know its hard, but i expect good things from myself because i want to believe i'm capable of them. life will keep going on without me, i can choose to go in circles here or move in the straight line

(subconscious dialogue: i am trying to love those emotions and let them come and go. i am trying to love the emotion right now telling me i should be ashamed. i am trying to love the programming right now telling me i am behind and i should feel shame. why? why should i feel shame? is that motivating me?

maybe a little. what i didn't feel shame about anything, and just did what served me? I trust my morals... mostly. if anything. if there's problem, my system wont work and i can adjust. no amount of worry or shame is going to help me improve.

and i know if i... keep doing this, loving the emotions that tell me i am in danger when i am in fact, not going to die from these things. FUCK. i am loving the fact that i don't know which emotions i want to feed and which i want to let come and go. shame? do i want to feed it? do i want to accept it? do i want to accept all of my emotions?)

income: difference between healthy self-doubt and crippling negativity

[plantypotter]

driving around alone in detroit has given me a lot of time to think. none of this is really worth my time and energy if I can’t share it

also, what can I do in the future to stop pushing people away when they don’t meet my expectations? I don’t think being so black + white is a good idea. But neither is letting anything slide. Good close circle whom you love and checks in v. wider circle whom… ?? how do you establish a relationship with these people. What dream boundary … idk. Who comes in my house, who I answer the phone for, who I give money too? Who I show up for? I don’t need to ignore them. I think as long as I set up a space for my inner circle every day ever week, and limit my time with the others, it should be fine.

maybe the limit is a drink, a coffee, but not a meal. a 2-3m phone call on speakerphone/facetime, but not a 30 m stroll.

help communication not bond.

[plantypotter]

I want to go home and jerk off and go to sleep. I have a final Thursday I’m not ready for I have 1 day to prepare for it (tomorrow) I have to finish some pages of my thesis I don’t have any time to relax to breathe and even if I set aside 5-15 minutes everyday which DUH I have to do I don’t know that it will be enough

I am doing so poorly in my last semester and I feel a bit of sadness but I also don’t care anymore I just want to get through the day. Imagine going to bed proud of myself. What a great feeling that would be. will that actually happen? I don’t know. In the grand scale of things I did not prepare and am suffering and no I am not proud of this. The past is the past so I suppose I can accept it and do the best I can rn

there’s a weird taste in my mouth and I want OUT

I don’t even know what would help anymore. There’s no magic fix to regain. It’s just… endless… disappointment. Before I could hop into a fantasy where I am .:: successful and happy but I know now that… I am trying my best and this is who I am to some extent. I feel very attached to my choices as part of who I am. what I tolerate what I don’t what I like what I hate what I love who I love. fictional characters… realistically I know are not … would not be interested in me, most of them, because of how unhappy I am with things. I realize I could be grateful but I think that would somehow erase the knowledge of the greatness I have seen. By choosing to use resources and achieve nothing of the sort in my own way … it’s so stupid it’s almost silly. like using a fork instead of a battle axe and saying you enjoy it.

[plantypotter]

Year later, it looks like biology data analyst/ scientist, obgyn or PhD are my goals

said after consistently posting every month that I am struggling to cope with stress and internalizing and have seen little improvement

it’s not … over yet though

exhaustive list of all jobs ideas

health informatics data scientist / research consultant

psychiatric data scientist

OB-GYN > OB-GYN teacher near retirement

preventive medicine family doctor with holistic clinic

ADD counselor

industrial-organizational Psychologists

sex therapist??

musician.. rockstar

md-mba to run personal clinic

genetics counselor

healthcare consulting

work in a fucking brothel

demon criminal

professional vampire

sex QUEEN

SEX QUEEN

SEX QUEEN

getting paid to do absolutely nothing

be a fucking truck driver like my grandfather suggested and kill myself on the first ride

do marketing for half the year and do what i want to do for the other six months?

start a video podcast with microphones !!!!!!!!! (not a job)

[plantypotter]

dear diary,

should I forgo this graduation trip so I can save 600 and spend it on financial wellness?

I don’t even vibe with the people I invited apart from … one of them. two counting jess. what if I just went to see my friend, and threw the 600 in savings? or on a trip to see my brother and take him to a concert?

what if I cancelled graduation as a whole and just went to go see hozier instead?

god I just want to be alone. to not have to answer to anyone.

what would it look to cancel the trip, cancel graduation, get a new wardrobe and fuck off?

or just do what I want to. no hosting no obligations

dream summer — see Riley see Nick

make investments

focus on your future

so maybe, a new computer, a ticket to see Nick and a gym membership is all I need for the summer

comp - 1000 - 3000

[plantypotter]

and in their revolution, my little pseudo relationships have nice moments. walking through the Swedish shop. Anxiously holding your hand while being convinced you didn’t actually like me. being shocked you initiated. buying me icecream. you sticking your finger in my mouth and around my lips. you reading to me after. Trying to fuck me on that rock in the woods. i don’t like pda, you should know that. arguing with you in the Brooklyn bridge like two old neighbors. i realize if you had loved me you would’ve accepted my flaws and tried to work things out, encouraged me instead trying to fix me. whether the help was a waste, you and I might never know.

you didn’t love me. and that’s ok. i had a great time even though sometimes I yearn for you now in the crevices of my brain and at deepest point of my walls. pink blood vesseled in the dark. even though you looked into me accused me of sadness (you were right) and unworthiness.(you were wrong).

what was the only compliment you gave me? That I get along with people? you’re fucking stupid.

God it’s so wild. None of my relationships are real. I see the ones that are built on trust and substance and remembering little facts about someone and beating them at their own game to their face rather than smoke/mirrors and they are so beautiful. I hope one day I can have that.