#i only ate it cause im a fatass

[luvuwite]

good morning everyone <333

[romaevelizz]

Shh J let it happen˖ ࣪⊹

summary; Haikyuu guys as moments me n my man have had that tickle my brain.

characters; tanaka, hinata , kageyama, tsukishima xblk reader!

warnings: uhh wierd ig, cursing, beating eachother(romanticly),insults(big back,kys), chaos, Hinata(bc he has braces it’s a hc! Relax guys geez), not proofread!

.˚₊‧ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ‧₊˚.

TANAKA

☆ Sharing food but your both absolutely starving because y’all both broke. Like he’ll text you ‘bby wanna go get food😝’ And of course you say yes bc who are you to say no to some big back action with your man. Y’all head to a nice little wing place, “oh ight let’s fuck up some boneless get 30 for us to share 15 fo’ yo Fatass and 15 for me gotta keep the gut healthy!” You say with a smile over at him.

This motherfucker looks you dead in the eye “you only get 10, can’t let that big back get to ya already hallin’ enough back there.” He spoke his eyes looking down at your ass his hand GRABBING A HAND FULL.

Your jaw dropped “nigga.” Speechless. IN PUBLIC, HAVE SOME DECENCY LORD. He had a fat smile on his face to. How he gonna low key fat shame you but complement you at the same time.

Him leaning in whispering “your ass, fat.“ He spoke sticking his tongue out at you his hand holding a space indicating it as your butt in a ‘this big’ his hands far apart from echo other. You hand going over your mouth.

Your eyes traveling away for him meeting some ladies with a horrific look and a frown on her face. You couldn’t help your self letting out as muffled laugh quickly turning back to him. Your hand grabbing his bicep, as you fall forward laughing “HELP ME.” You hollered.

HINATA

☆ What’s a couple to do when they’re bored, make out! Why not! It’s fun!

You and him getting as it. It was all cute at first then him not paying attention to where his hand go touching your sides tickling you. You yelping because it fucking tickled, you face smashed against his, both out y’all pulling back your head dropping as you held yourself. Hinata poor baby leaned forward going to kiss the back of you head as an apology him talking into your hair.

His braces get CAUGHT IN YOUR CURLS. YUPPPP that’s the cherry on the mf cake! Now your both panicked, him trying to pull back but your scalp is sensitive rn bc you just took your hair out. And HES PULLING.

“BABY PLEASE WAIT.” You begged.

“IM SORRY!”

Only a few strands came out, to be fair y’all were just being dramatic. Smh.

KAGEYAMA

☆ He hated it when you would wear a nice lip combo with a sitcky gloss. No no no, not because it looked bad but because he couldn’t kiss you. Walking together holding your hand as you walked him to morning practice he was just glaring at you.

Mind you you don’t know what the fuck his attitude if for, “what is your problem.” You scoff stoping in that hall way, pulling your hand back to cross your arms. His expression changing a bit cause how dare you pull your hand from him!

His eyes narrowed “nothing. No problem do YOU? have a problem.” He sassed his hands landing on his hip.

Oh you wanted to pop him in the mouth “Why do you act like this.” You spoke your index finger pointing at him in a dramatic manner.

He scoffed throwing his head to the side “you just hate me that all.”

Oh BROTHERR. “boy, it you don’t-“

“I wanna kiss you but your face is done.”

Face done? OH! “My gloss? Baby I just don’t want you having to walk around with the sticky feeling plus it will leave marks.” Because truthfully you don’t mind fixing it if need be you just don’t want him to go crazy bc his face was sticky.

His eyes met yours “umm okay?”

You grinned his sassiness making you giggle now “then come here,” you said your hands grabbing his face kissing him one the lips.

Pulling back a little “don’t hold out on me women.” He said, alright! You kisses him a few more times then his cheek, your lip combo all over his lips and smudge on the side of his face. He pulled back a prideful smile on his face.

“Ouuu okay baby! I fear you ate this combo better than I do.” You teased.

He walked into practice like that.

TSUKISHIMA

☆ Ahh yes it’s a nice little hang out session peaceful laying together, Kei watching his phone his other hand rubbing small circles into your back. Your face was on his chest as you watched his phone with him.

You back was starting to hurt so you adjusted your self his hand now on your stomach as you faced away from him your head in between his bicep and chest. This fucker, HANDFULL, and I mean a HANDFULL OF YOUR GUT.

“Absolutely not.” You started.

“Shut up.” He responded immediately, his tone flat.

“Kei let go of my fat.” You groan

“Die. I like holding on to it.” Not an ounce of emotion leaving his lips.

“I don’t give a fuck.”

Needless to say he didn’t let go, his large hand kneading your stomach. He was pleased with himself ignoring your dramatic sighs.

So you just laid there dying in silence as he played with your rolls, he loved them, a lot. For not good reason but he genuinely loved them but you(I) HATED, them just being played with sometimes but you gotta just take it sometimes.

Laying there you let your mouth latch on to his bicep. “You leave a hickey im pushing you on the floor.”

“The voices say I have to.” You whispered latching onto him just sucking in his arm.

“I’m gonna lose my mind.”



[danievermorets]

bro i’m actually so pissed because for like 3 days i was good and eating 600-800 calories max when my deficit is 1000 and my stupid fatass decided to binge on frosting and bacon (cannibalism ik!) and then i had to go to my dads and i had some toast and cheese and some coffee, and we also went to a fb game and i had chick fila and maybe 5 skittles, and tomorrow we’ll have some pie so i just want to try and get back on track, and only have a bite or a sliver cause he doesn’t even have a scale here and it’s so hard to track homemade food but i just checked the scale even after i ate everything and im 179! ik it’s only been like 3 days so ik it’s kinda js water weight but i was 183!!

[edsheeranspo]

Block don’t report me pls and thx u tw ed  related things

Okay so I said I was gonna fast today and didnt smh I feel like such a fatass even though i havent eaten alot, yesterday I binged but not really cuz it was only like 800 cals in the day still felt like a fucking fatass but anywho if im gonna eat i needa eat healthy tomorrow im gonna do OMAD/FAST/OMAD/FAST/OMAD/FAST/OMAD for the whole week because tmrs mothers day and I have a sushi dinner with my mom so thats the start of the week so its lowkey healthy cuz its sushi but today I ate  2 chips ahoy cookies (140  cals) barbacue twisty chips (560 cals) (i said i wasnt gonna eat the whole bad and i did smh chips are my biggest downfall) hawwaian roll (90 cals)  30 min bike ride -240 cals 45 walk -160 cals  and im finna do my model workout later tn. I’m only gonna eat carrots and cucumbers and fruits this week cause ive been feeling like shit even though i went from 134-120 since april cause i havent been on my ed shit since feburary- mid april but i keep seeing the scale go back up bc of water weight (to 123-124) and its fucking me up really bad mentally but i noticed on the days that on the days i drink celcius i wakeup feeling hellllllllla skinny like a mtf model and on the days im fasting ima do 8 hour fasts in between ima eat lettuce and cucumbers and carrots so i dont fucking die bc my vitamins and iron are so fucking low!! stay safe loves

[gummygowon]

cute relationship things with ateez!

genre: fluff (a lot)

warnings: none :)

established relationship!

a/n: i meant to post this like two weeks ago but i never finished it so consider this an early valentine’s day gift <3 ;) 

seonghwa:

for some reason, i feel like seonghwa likes to read books

with that being said, on lazy days where you guys didn’t want to get up and do anything

you guys would read books !!!

before you guys would read some were recommendations from each other on your own

and then maybe rant to each other over little details about the book like how the main character went back to their toxic ex or how the ending of a book was so bad

“seonghwa, how did you even read this?!? the stupid ass main character keeps going back to that one jerk! like does she not realize she deserves more than his ugly ass???!!!?”

“y/n, just keep reading.” 

“but hwa-”

turns out the main character got with the other woman yayyyyy!!! fuck shitty men

i don’t know how it happened but you guys started your own little book club with each other

so you guys could finally talk rant together at the same time about the book

so since you guys started to read the same book and if you guys found down time together you would read together

like, imagine it’s a peaceful friday night

seonghwa is back from work and so are you

you guys already showered and ate dinner

you’re just reading and then seonghwa just scoops you up and then puts you in between his legs with your back against his chest

and you’re like “wtf bro?”

and he’s just like, “what? i wanna read too???”

“didn’t you like read ahead tho??”

“yeah, but i wanna read it again.”

that was a fatass lie

he just wanted to be close to you 

hongjoong:

ok so, we all know that this man is hella busy all the time

mans is the leader, song writer, producer, dancer, rapper (which is why he is good at all positions)

but you were patient with him and whenever he goes days without seeing you due to his busy ass schedule he would make it up to you yk what i mean

but on the more chill days when you saw hongjoong or even the days where he was cooped in his studio (you would visit him there because sometimes you just had to see him)

you guys would just lay on the couch, just enjoying each other’s presence and not feel like you have to make up for lost time

you would be on the bottom on your phone or reading a magazine/book

then hongjoong would be at the top with his head on your stomach as he would be writing down lyrics that came to mind

killing two birds with one stone you feel me

sometimes you would show him a funny meme that you found or quote something that you just read to him 

“hongjoong, look at the way he fell!” you would be dying of laughter

and then he wouldn’t notice because he was really roped into making lyrics 

but you also didn’t see him focusing so much because you were of course laughing at the kid that accidentally got bitchslapped off the couch because of their sibling

“joongie look!!!”

“what is it?”

you would then show him what happened and then he would look at with that “you really interrupted me for this??” type of look

“i just lost my train of thought for this song because you wanted to show me this kid falling off of a couch???” 

“yes?” 

he would just bring a hand to his face and think what tf? why tf? and then slowly start laughing because of what just happened

“see, wasn’t it funny?”

“a child getting hurt isn’t funny, y/n” he would laugh while scolding you

yunho:

yunho powers im sorry for this one

alright so, it’s night time 

you guys are about to go to bed after a long day or work/school whatever

your eyes are fluttering closed because the day got you beat beat

but then yunho just kisses your face

and then you open your eyes slowly again to see yunho look like he just got caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to do

like imagine a kid that just got caught drawing on the walls

that’s what his face would look like

he’s just laying there like “i thought you were asleep...”

“i was just about to...”

yunho feels lowkey guilty now because you’re awake now and he knows you had a long day

he just couldn’t resist kissing you 

you just looked so pretty and peaceful sleeping 

mans was reminded by the universe themself about how lucky he was being able to date you

like, godamn what did he do in his past life to deserve you?

ok, back to this reaction idea thing-

yunho would apologize for waking you up with his cheeks a nice rosy color

you just look at him with tired eyes 

“i’ll forgive you, if you give me more kisses.”

and yunho’s smile just lights up the whole damn room and he’s like oh? say less

so he goes to kissing your face

like all over

your nose

your cheeks

forehead

basically anywhere ok?

and you end up laughing because it tickles 

but you just want him to kiss your lips which he does 

... eventually lmao

but when he does your still laughing which causes him to laugh

he tells you “i love you, did you know that?”

and you get all flustered and shit but you still keep that playful energy around 

“i love you too, but you aren’t forgiven just yet”

which leads to more kisses :))))

yeosang:

ok so you’re now the busy one

yeosang has so much respect for you because holy shit how do you balance that busy ass schedule of yours

your homework loads were no jokes 

then to add to that you have a job which was even more stressful

it was amazing how you can manage all that and still keep a smile on your face

you also had major respect for yeosang as an idol

the industry was not a place to fuck around 

you couldn’t be happier that your boyfriend was lucky enough to have a group who actually cared and supported each other

speaking of ateez, yeosang isn’t the most touchy person in the world

you didn’t mind of course, you’re the same way

however, when he did give you cuddles and kisses you would be a blushing mess

a sort of rare sight that yeosang loved to see

anyways, one night you were busy writing those argumentative essays that you were sure that your fingers would fall off by the time you were finished

you were working on it ever since you got home from school (with the occasional food and bathroom breaks )to the time when yeosang came back from practice

you moved to your shared bed by the time the sweaty boy came home and he was surprised that you were working on one subject for so long

the stupid piece was almost finished by the time yeosang was out of the shower

however, you didn’t even notice

you were too immersed in your writing to notice

yeosang took this as an opportunity to sit behind you and wrap his arms around your waist and watch over your shoulder as you worked

and of course, he would kiss your cheek occasionally

this was super sweet gesture but yeosang but you didn’t the notice that he wrapped his arms around you

“ai yah! what the hell?” you yelled and turned around to see your boyfriend clutching his chest

“oh it’s just you.”

yeosang would give you a deadpanned look and be like, “yeah, who else tf???”

you would apologize and kissing his cheek before returning to back to work 

which yeosang would return to hugging your waist and keep his head on your shoulder

and give you occasional kisses on your cheek or neck

after that night, it became a weekly occurrence

which you loved of course, who wouldn’t love their bf cuddling them while they chased their bag

san:

i am very excited for this one

ok so, san loves playing with your hair

it’s just so much fun 

running his fingers through it or just attempting to braid it or put it into a tiny ponytail

he loved it

he would probably always play with your while you were watching tv together, sitting together in the car, or even before you guys fall asleep

then one day after san came home early from work 

you guys were chilling on the bed watching the latest k-drama that came out since san made you wait so you guys could watch it together

san was in between your legs with his back leaning against your chest 

and that’s when you decided to run your fingers through his soft, fluffy hair

that’s also when san asked you to braid his hair

“sure, what type of braid though?”

“there’s different kinds????” 

“yes, san. now pick one.” you gave him your phone that was pulled up to different types braids.

“i want the french ones. they sound fancy.”

you roll your eyes and start sectioning his hair into two sections and start braiding his hair and lightly pull on the pink strands because you know san likes his hair pulled

so you doing his hair right 

and you begin rambling about your day/week

talking about whatever interesting happened to you because you know that san likes hearing you talk no matter what it’s about

however, you were knee deep into talking about the latest drama at work that you didn’t even realize that san stopped talking

“san?”

he didn’t answer and his head would be dipping down so low you were surprised you didn’t fall over

“baby?”

san still wouldn’t respond to you 

but this time he just flipped over so his head would be on your stomach as he wrapped your arms around your stomach

“mmmmmmm?”

“nevermind love, just sleep.” 

he would respond by burying his head further into your stomach and tightened his hold around you

you kissed his head and ran your fingers through his hair which lulled san to sleep even more

“goodnight sannie.”

mingi:

you have been best friends with song mingi ever since you moved into the tiny neighborhood that you call home

it all started when your parents brought you over to your next door neighbor’s house for breakfast on a cold saturday morning 

you were extremely shy when you were little so the only thing you could remember about your first experience with mingi was hiding behind your mother’s leg for the first hour of being there and watching the young boy play with his toy cars and planes before he finally offered a pirate ship to you

ever since that unforgettable saturday, you pretty much spent the rest of your childhood with mingi

you guys were practically joined at the hip 

even when you were getting endlessly teased by your classmates for the first month of school for having an accent whenever you spoke 

which resulted in you running to the bathroom crying

not even a minute later, you heard someone burst through the girls’ bathrrom

“y/n?”

you peaked your head out of the stall to see your tall neighbor looking out of breath

“mingi, you aren’t supposed to be here!” you said in between sobs

“it’s okay, i don’t care.” he said as he awkwardly wrapped his arms around you. “are you okay?”

you shook your head no looking at him with tears running down your face

the poor boy was internally freaking out since he has no clue on how to comfort people (especially if they’re a girl)

he was like eight at the time give him a little break

so of course, his first reaction was to make you laugh somehow

and he did this by randomly recreating the “boots and cats, boots and cats” rhythm after seeing siri do it in a youtube video and started to bop his head 

surprised by his sudden movements, you laughed out of pure confusion

as soon as mingi saw the corner of your lips flip upwards he began rapping faster to the point where he was gasping for breath leading him into a coughing fit 

“mingi you can breathe, y’know!” you giggled in between words

after the young boy had caught his breath from hacking away at his lungs, he smiled at you 

until- the teacher had came into the bathroom, scolding mingi for going into the girls’ restroom

even though mingi didn’t care at all that he got in trouble, the only thing he cared about was that you were feeling better

ever since then whenever you were sad or having a bad day mingi would whip out his phone and ask siri to rap while he free-styled over the monotone voice 

he literally still does it

even two years into your relationship-

“siri, can you rap for me?” mingi would ask his phone as he pointed his free arm at you

“boots and cats-”

“mingi, please no.” you laughed in between tears, your mood rising with every beat

wooyoung:

i wholeheartedly believe that wooyoung would kiss you face if you were sad

but the first time this happened, you guys were still fairly new into your relationship

which meant that you weren’t completely ready to be extremely vulnerable around wooyoung 

because in your mind, letting someone see you at your lowest lows of means that you really trust and love someone to let them see you like that

you always wanted to be known as the strong person in the friend group

you were that glue that held everyone together

always listening to others and taking care of others before yourself

which is why wooyoung fell in love with you in the first place

he had never been in a relationship where someone was so caring and thoughtful of others that he was scared that he wouldn’t be enough for you and that you deserved better

of course, he didn’t tell you that right away but he confessed to you about that wayyy later in your relationship which is another story to be told

but one day, life was coming at you so fucking fast

assignments were piling up left and right and deadlines were literally every other day

and then there seemed to be an increase in the amount of angry karens at your work

and your patience was thinning everyday with those people

then to top it all off, all the tests you’ve been studying for, you got mediocre grades, some even worse in other subjects

it just felt like no matter how much work you put into whatever you do, you got half ass results

it was just pushing your mental health further into the ground

you could handle a C every once in awhile but multiple? on back to back tests? no fucking way you just couldn’t

those stupid, dark thoughts would cloud your mind in an instant and on days like this, you would just let them consume you

you were too tired to pick yourself up again and fight back which led to you crying in wooyoung’s arms

usually, you would feel so embarrassed crying over things like this when you know other people have it worse but you couldn’t hold in it anymore 

you ranted about yourself in between your hiccups from crying which would hurt wooyoung’s heart a little bit

because he thought of you as such a strong and kind person- the complete opposite of what you were saying about yourself

so when you were done talking, wooyoung made you look at him and assured you that you were not any of those nasty things that you said about yourself

each insult turned into a thoughtful compliment accompanied by a kiss

“y/n, you are so intelligent-” 

kiss

“caring-”

kiss

“beautiful-”

kiss

“more than everything i ever wanted”

kiss

by the time wooyoung was done, you were a giggling mess

“and this is why i love you.”

he finally kissed you on your lips, smiling into it like the dork he is

it was the first ever time he told you that he loved you

jongho:

i am also a firm believer that jongho would sing his s/o to sleep

like with that heavenly voice of his, he better put them to sleep 

so on the first night you ever slept with jongho, you were too nervous to go to bed even though your body was screaming at you to close your eyes 

you kept tossing and turning every few minutes or your eyes would shoot open with your heart racing

at this point, you gave up on trying to sleep and got up (carefully to not wake up your sleeping boyfriend) to get a drink

while you were in the kitchen, clutching your chest in an effort to get yourself to calm down, jongho had stirred awake to an empty bed

a flash of panic surged through his body as he momentarily forgot where he was since he wasn’t at his dorm his room never looked this clean 

yawning, the vocalist would wander into the light with his eyes squinted, “y/n?”

“oh my god!” you jumped, water almost spilling out your glass

jongho covered his ears, “what are you doing up?”

“oh,” you felt your cheeks turn red since you felt bad for waking your boyfriend up. “i can’t sleep.”

“why?” he asked, walking towards the couch.

“i don’t know.” you answered as you followed close behind. 

you curled up next to jongho, clutching his shirt “i’m sorry for waking you up.”

jongho smiled tiredly at you before kissing your head, “don’t be. it’s okay. i don’t have work tomorrow anyways.”

you smiled in response before the two of you guys fell into a silence

“do you want me to sing you to sleep?”

“yes, please.” you murmured into his side as jongho placed his other arm around you, successfully trapping you in between his arms

he began singing softly into your ear as he stroked your hair

his warm voice coaxing your eyes to close 

at last, your mind was at peace with itself

your heart beat slowing down

and by the time the song was finished you were fast asleep in arms

jongho kissed your forehead once more 

“i love you.”

[asmolavender]

Asmo Headcanons

He has never had any qualms with expressing himself how he wants, even when he was an angel. (not that they would care either way)

in there angel days Asmo: LUCIFER LILITH WONT LET ME BORROW HER SKIRT Lilith: It wont fit you asmo! The waist is too small!!! Lucifer: both of you hush, kneels down asmo ill see what i can do about finding you a skirt like that, but try not to bother our sister about hers Asmo: Okay!

to me he is a fellow he/they, its only canon in my mind but thats enough for me

They love cutsy drinks and foods, cause you eat with your eyes first!

Asmo: Beeellllll you ate my cute sconesssss, i just got them from madam scream >:((( Beel: im sorry asmo, ill pay you back. Asmo: that wont return them from your stomach :( i waited in line for SOOOO long :(((

you think he has a bunch of sex toys(he does), but first and formost he has a bunch of soft blankets and pillows for cuddles

Belphie: hey asmo i took one of the blankets from your room. Asmo: Gasp which one?? Belphie: the fluffy one. Asmo: belphie you will have to be more specific, that describes almost half of my blankets.

WILL fight anyone who hurts their brothers (that is not one of the other brothers)

Random: Ugh beelzebub is such a fatass, why cant he just stop eating Asmo: DID I HEAR WHAT I THINK I JUST HEARD Random: oh like you would do anything asmo, what you gonna do break a nail~? Asmo: Launches himself at the bitch

i hope you liked these! he is one of my favs!

[wolfenwingsshop]

Sooo, I posted this on Twitter but, here we go, double-posting back here too.

So, I'm going to challenge myself this week. I suuuuck at drawing X. It's not that he's hard to draw! No. He's quite simple. It's me. The problem is me. It's always been me. I start to doodle and then once it becomes obvious it's X, I choke. I never finish. T_T 

I blame most of this on my upbringing, because I was a fat kid (and now fat adult) I was taught I do not deserve to exist. I firmly believed for a very long time (and still do,) that I am more beneficial to people dead than alive. Why does this mean anything about X? This: I still have a horribly huge crush on that damned blue robot, & because of being told MY ENTIRE LIFE because I am a fatass I shouldn't even think about being involved romantically with ANYTHING. well. There y'go. There's also that my family found out eventually and teased me.

Like, my little sister, love her, but she's skinny as hell and retired professional cosplayer- she'd ether be in my corner or attacking me with our 'friends' growing up. My mom just rolls her eyes if I start gushing about X. (Yet she has gotten into BTS, the K-Pop group, and I am supportive.)

There's also the fact that I got pretty publicly attacked on Tumblr fairly early on because I noticed during the MVCI development, yeah. They fixed Chun Li's face? They also gave X an OBVIOUS pubic bulge and my X fangirl ass ate it up. So, I'm used to being shamed for this.

So... my husband totally ships humans/humanoids with furries. I ship humans/humanoids with anything that isn't the same species, robots, reploids, seamonsters, idgaf it's an awesome trope. (Hello Avatar and The Shape of Water, freakin’ A I still haven’t seen The Shape of Water but GODDAMNIT I WILL ASAP) Because of this we both ship the idea of a certain blue reploid with my OC. Yknow, my icon right there. It's an old-as-hell art I did eooons ago (20+ years) when I was roleplaying, managed to hook up with the X in said RP, things happened and my OC got pregnant. The X in that RP was the adopted brother of my dear friend, NovaStrike. Nova and her wife currently live with me, we drove down to NC to save them from being kicked out by Nova’s abusive as fuck parents at the start of the new year.

Anyhow, back then, Nova found out X and my OC had hooked up in that way and was IMMEDIATELY screaming ROLL FOR PREGNANCY!!!! long story short, the dice favored X being a dad. Annnd his RPer was totally ok with it. That's where my icon comes from. They had a little wolf-eared girl with brown hair and green eyes that we named Kasumi, as I was a big DOA fan, as well, and thought it was a cute name.

I bring this up cause even now, there is no mention of X anywhere on the original image. It's on my DA, but I don't even think I mentioned that there either. It's just my poor OC, beside herself that she got knocked up.. lol, also part of the wtf is how does that happen, but yah. I think back then we just figured "SCIENCE!!" and left it at that. Anyhow... I need to stop being so scared. I'm going to try to not be and get used to doodle my boy and not choke. -_- this is gonna be beyond hard.... but there's also the continuation of my memories of WAS, too. 

Those stories... my memories.. I refuse to let those die. That stupid RP club stopped me from committing suicide. If I didn't have a literal X hovering over me during some pretty emotional times in my life, I probably wouldn't be here. So, since X has saved my life in more ways than one, I will try, damnit. I will do my best. For today, a sketch of the next WAS memory comic. Our X had an apple tree and greenhouse. His special spot, and only people REALLY FREAKING IMPORTANT got to go there with him. Our Dr. Cain, Zero.. our Roll.. people like that.

Then I got attacked by another member- he literally tried to rape my character, cause I didn't want to date him. I got a few friends to come in and make him stop, but they told our X, despite my begging them not to. So here was 16 year old me, whom already, in case nobody was aware, I am an incest survivor, so I already had bad experiences in being taken advantage of.. this is a character I have a huge crush on and he found our someone else on the team tried to rape me????? Omfg. Now, I had to go to that tree. I was playing a cat-and-mouse game avoiding our X for a day before he finally cornered me and made me come to the tree with him to talk about what had happened.

I wanted to die, y'all. This started a nearly 2-week long stint. Once our X found out that? I had to deal with him checking in with me DAILY for nearly 2 weeks. It got to the point where I went to school teachers to ask for advise on what to talk about with "X", no joke. I didn't know anything about the person role-playing as X, and when they were on, they were strictly IC as X. There was no talking to his player... I was talking to the character, about some pretty heavy stuff, weather I liked it or not. There was even one convo I remember.. Our X had found out my schedule pretty fast- and was in the habit of IMing me (this was on AOL back in like, 96, 97) as soon as I got online after school. He would often ask what I had for my after school snack. I responded once, eh, cheese filled ravioli.. something. "X" again, completely and utterly IC, responds with "That's sounds good! Just a sub tank for me today, I'm afraid..." Again, I never spoke to his player. His player stayed IC no matter what. This of course made me go "#^@%#%##!!!!!!" mentally but I digress..

I think the biggest lesson "X" taught me during all of that, was it's ok to ask for help. I'm not going to be able to handle everything on my own, and the biggest one, during that especially, was it's NOT ok for people to take advantage of me. You take into consideration I was only 16-17 at that time, and in an abusive household and living with my abusers, and having my childhood hero telling me this? This is why he's so freaking important to me. This challenge will be hard, but I will see it through. I owe him that much, in the very least.

[sunshineofthegroup]

@achievementmicoo did the thing.  i want to do the thing.  we talked like one time, it all works out.

Rules: You must answer these 85(*83)statements and tag 20 people.  I’ll save you the trouble - 30 and 35 are both missing, and i don’t even know 1 person.  feel free to do this if you see it, even if we haven’t talked like one time.

The Last

1) Drink: an entire bottle of simply lemonade with raspberry 2) Phone Call: my mother, we talked for 47 minutes 3) Text Message: my grandmother 4) Song: like i can by sam smith 5) Time You Cried: last night when i remembered caiti ward exists and is beautiful and pure 6) Dated Someone Twice: im gonna say i havent done this 7) Kissed Someone And Regretted It: i have not 8) Cheated On Someone: i have definitely not 9) Lost Someone Special: they stop being special around the time they get lost, usually 10) Been Depressed: have i ever stopped, tho 11) Got Drunk and Thrown Up: never, unless one time, i had a drink and then i threw up but i actually had the flu so the drink had nothing to do with it

3 Favorite Colors

12) pink 13) black 14) green

In The Last Year Have You

15) Made New Friends: i’ve talked to a few people on the tumbloid like one time, does that count? 16) Fallen Out of Love: sure 17) Laughed Until You’ve Cried: definitely 18) Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: someone’s always talking about me. 19) Met Someone Who Has Changed You: i never change, my dude 20) Found Out Who Your Friends Are: i’m pretty ensconced with the two friends i have 21) Kissed Someone On Your Facebook List: wtf no

General

22) How Many of Your Facebook Friends Do You Know IRL: i dont even use facebook, but probably most of them i have known at one point. 23) Do You Have Any Pets: noo 24) Do You Want to Change Your Name: my feeling on this fluctuates 25) What Did You Do For Your Last Birthday: i went to work and i dont remember what else 26) What Time Did You Wake Up: 5:03 pm my dude, i am a hero amongst men 27) What Were You Doing at Midnight Last Night: it’s hard to say, probably watching heroes and halfwits 28) Name Something You Can’t Wait For: idk man sleeping is so cool i’m into that 29) When Was The Last Time You Saw Your Mom: yesterday, which is wednesday

31) What Are You Listening to Right Now: it’s raining and the fan on my laptop is working overtime 32) Have You Ever Talked to a Person Named Tom: Ever? Certainly.

33) Something That is Getting on Your Nerves: lack of ability to gosh darn concentrate on writing 34) Most Visited Website: tumblr, youtube, achievementhunter.com in that order

36) Long or Short Hair: medium hair

37) Do You Have a Crush on Someone: not like a person i actually know 38) What Do You Like About Yourself: i have decent taste in merch 39) Piercings: two in each ear and then one (1) cartilage 40) Blood Type: O+ 41) Nickname: i do not 42) Relationship Status: No. 43) Zodiac: libra 44) Pronouns: she/they 45) Favorite TV Show: the only tv show i watch that is currently running is riverdale, i plan to pick up will and grace in the fall, other than that, Friends. 46) Tattoos: i do not. 47) Right or Left Handed: right 48) Surgery: what does this even mean? i had my wisdom teeth out when i was 17.  a few months ago i had a procedure where they shoved a camera down my throat and i told the doctor dude trying to put a cap on me that i ‘fucking love hats’ 49) Piercings: why is this here twice 50) Sport: Lets Play League - Team Achievement Hunter 51) Vacation: i went to disney two years ago with my grandparents. 52) Pair of Trainers: i have one (1) pair of black etnies that are nearly brand new, and four (4) pairs of black etnies that are completely worn out

More General

53) Eating: i ate a shitload when i got home from walmart, i had like jalapeno cheese, and bagels with jalapeno asiago cheese spread, and chicken salad, and some salami, just cuz im a fatass, whatever.  it was all delicious 54) Drinking: i also had a whole bottle of simply lemonade with raspberry, and i was thinking about mountain dew but it’s raining and the dew is in my car so its not worth it to go get 55) I’m About to: probably either sleep or try to write more 56) Waiting For: the sweet release of death 57) Want: to make better jokes 58) Get Married: nah 59) Career: well im unemployed, so jot that down

Which is Better

60) Hugs or Kisses: hugs are ballin 61) Lips or Eyes: eyes as long as they’re just, like, normal and inside a skull where they belong.  no need to rip one out and send it to me 62) Shorter or Taller: i prefer to be taller than everyone. 63) Older or Younger: i prefer to be older than everyone. 64) Nice Arms or Nice Stomach: arm are good, i guess? stomachs can be good for pillows.  again, no reason to rip one out and send it to me 65) Hookup or Relationship: relationship probably 66) Troublemaker or Hesitant: are these even opposites? i cause trouble and then get anxiety about it later lmao

Have You Ever

67) Kissed a Stranger: i have not 68) Drank Hard Liquor: (looks at pile of empties around me)... Yes. 69) Lost Glasses/Contact Lenses: No, I’ve had the same pair since 2003 probably and i know right where they are (i don’t need them for anything so i don’t need an updated prescription) 70) Turned Someone Down: probably and not really been aware of it 71) Had Sex on the First Date: i have not 72) Broken Someone’s Heart: i like to assume i have 73) Had Your Heart Broken: sure 74) Been Arrested: No 75) Cried When Someone Died: Every single time 76) Fallen for a Friend: oh yeah

Do You Believe In:

77) Yourself: no i dont exist 78) Miracles: from god? no.  miracles as by coincidence or happenstance? maybe 79) Love at First Sight: absolutely 80) Santa Claus: sure. can i have presents? 81) Kiss on the First Date: is this something you can believe in? 82) Angels: only the kind that are incredibly beautiful women, sent here by some divine presence, and are too good, too pure for this world, like caiti ward

Other

83) Current Best Friends Name: becky, reece 84) Eye Color: blueish grey 85) Favorite Movie: Emperor’s New Groove still holds up, right?  Wonder Woman was pretty fuckin good

[ecotone99]

[HM] Bluntjob, The Epic story of a Giant Joint and Blunt, faced with saving mankind from extinction!

Bluntjob

Narrated By Robot Batman

One day, 1000 years in the future, mankind was on the brink of collapse. But there were 2 guys who just didn’t give a fuck about the apocalypse, and they weren’t even guys at all. One of them, named Blunt, smoked 4000 blunts in one sitting, He was recognized by the inter dimensional entities for being a hard motherfucker, so they turned him into a human-blunt hybrid with super powers. The other one, Fatass Joint, has a tragic back story. When he was 8 years old, his mad scientist parents were entranced by their experiments. They lost sight of the little things that mattered, and only wanted results. They injected their son with refined crocodile vomit, 200 joints, and enough steroids to send you to the gulag for life. He was transformed into a fatass joint with human appendages, and he was strong as fuck. Together, Blunt and Joint will work tirelessly to save mankind from complete extinction. And soon, they would be facing their most menacing enemy yet.

Light me up, and blow me up your ass

It was a shitty day on the slowly sinking apartment complex. They were in the middle of god knows where, but it was the tallest building within 200 miles. They were with the last 50 humans on the planet. And if they didn’t get their shit together soon, there would be no one. “Hey Blunt, I just want to let you know, that if we die, and you die first, I’m definitely smoking you.” Joint joked. “Hahaha, well we both know that if we died, you’d be the first to go.” Blunt laughed and started geeking out which made Joint laugh until he threw up. The only thing he ate all day was the entire last jar of spicy pickles. 90% of the world was covered in water at this point. And not to mention the giant sea monsters that mutated from all of the pollutants that leaked into the water after everything flooded. But as fate would have it, they were close to the last 10%. The only landmass left on the planet. Perhaps something was out there rooting humanity on. Some of the humans that were left with B&J were the baddest of the bad. Many of them went through hell to get to this point. Making unfathomable sacrifices, decisions you couldn’t even comprehend, and through all of it they stood up to the universe and fought back. Many of them could be a warrior, a doctor, and engineer, all in one, whatever needed to be done, they had to be able to do it. Chuck Norris was one of the leaders of these OP Monkeys and he and a small group of survivors approached the 2 anomalies. Chuck spit on the ground to assert his dominance amongst the other monkeys, and walked towards B&J, this was serious. “You assholes have been getting high for 6 hours now! Can we for fucking 2 seconds talk about how we’re all about to die! We have less then 24 hours before this building sinks and we all become mutant fish food!” “Yoo Joint, this sounds pretty serious man. I mean we’re made out of paper and weed, you know. Ehh, I guess realistically we would be fine but these guys definitely would die.” “I think we should smoke on it.” Joint rolled another joint and lit it up. “You 2 are the fucking worst super heroes. If I had powers, we would have been off of this building and safe! We would be fucking like we were the last people on earth! Oh wait, we are!” Chuck was angry, mainly because nobody had the privacy to jerk off and it had been a few weeks. Another survivor, Karen (generally disliked, she’s anti-vax) approached the 2 heroes coughing and fell to the ground, she was blistering everywhere. Chuck took one look at her and yelled “Nooo! Damn you Karen, your anti-vax ways have killed us all!” She had contracted the horrible manmade disease, mega pig gonorrhea. It was lab formulated along with its cure after a strong government had taken over the entire world, they oppressed the people to horrible ends. Create a problem, sell the solution. If you couldn’t pay the $1000 for the cure, you were as good as dead. At the same time this was going on, a lot of secrets were being exposed within the government itself, including the secret love child of a high ranking government official, Also at the same time, a secret plan was taking place, they were freezing people to one day awaken when mankind needed them the most. Chuck Norris was included in this project. Why was Karen included in this band of survivors? She was the secret love child, frozen away never to be seen for possibly thousands of years. It was the best way to get rid of her for good, a 30 year old anti-vaxxer soccer mom fated to save humanity from extinction, all because of the corruption of one man. “Blunt, what are we going to do!? This is one of the worst diseases mankind has ever faced!” “Well Joint, im gonna have to be square with you. I kept this a secret until now, because I didn’t think we would ever need it. But my smoke can be used to heal diseases. There is only one catch, you have to blow the smoke up their ass.” Joint went pale. “Are-Are you sure that’s the only way bro?” “Yes I’m sure, I know this doesn’t sound pleasing to you, but if you think about it, I’m technically the one who has to be in their assholes, so I’m suffering just as much as you are. I wont think any less of you Joint.” Blunt threw a lighter to Joint. “This has to be done Joint, it’s the only way!” Joint lit the top of blunt and took a huge rip from his convenient smoke hole. He went to chuck, because he was closest, and blew the smoke right up his butthole. Chuck coughed a few times and stood up. Luckily he was way too fried to figure out what happened. But Blunt started hysterically laughing, chuck looked down and realized he had no pants on and got really insecure. “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?” He yelled for pretty much no reason. Blunt started walking around the room and people started getting up. Joint realizing he had been tricked, started gagging and coughing, toilet paper was not a commodity that they had. “Damn Joint, the apocalypse never gets old when I’m with your dumb ass!” Blunt said with tears rolling down his eyes from the hysterical laughter he couldn’t seem to stop.

Out of the Butt, Into the Fuck

After another smoke sesh, everyone got hard to work on a solution. Nobody knew exactly what to do, but they all knew that when they did know, they would be sure what to do. “I really hate to be a buzzkill Joint, but we don’t have any weed left and I’m getting tired of smoking myself. If we can find land somewhere we can grow all the weed that we want to! Think about it man, we’re sitting roaches here.” Joint took a second to think about it, and stood up with a determined look. “I know what we have to do.” On the roof of the apartment, B&J gathered everyone together, and told them the big plan. Some of them had their doubts, but if it didn’t work they would die anyways. They waited for hours, for the sun to start setting, when the sea monsters were the hungriest. The sky was a beautiful shade of purple, pink, orange, even wisps of gold. Nobody said a single word the entire time, they waited anxiously for the time to come. If they failed, so would the human race. The sun had just hit the horizon, and it was time to put the plan in to action. The survivors started a massive fire capable of burning for days. Joint took his place by the raging fire. When the time would come, he would light his tip, and jump into a sea monster blowhole. The only thing they needed was bait, but naturally Chuck Norris stepped up to the plate. They tied him up on a rope and threw him into the water. “Please keep an eye out, I don’t feel like dying to a fish.” There was nothing for him to worry about, Blunt was watching the water closely, and he has special eyes. They waited for hours, the building was probably minutes from sinking completely, and everyone for sure thought that they were fucked. But just then, Blunt saw 2 huge red eyes start to come up from the depths! “Cmon big daddy! Get ready mothafuckas here it comes!” Blunt was psyched to finally get some action! The beast was so massive that you could see it’s eyes from 200 feet deep. Within 20 seconds, the creature was all the way up to the surface! In that second, Joint lit his tip, Karen let out a mighty sneeze, chuck looked down and clenched his ass cheeks so hard that he pulled a muscle, and blunt started pulling chuck back from the beast. The giant orca whale was covered in black and white sparkling scales and each scale was the size of the apartment complex they were stuck on. The orca was a foot away from chucks body, when joint jumped straight into the whales blowhole! Joints super strength stopped the momentum of the giant whale, and even caused a giant shockwave, shaking the building! This was the first penetration moment for the whale and it was confused. It stopped attacking chuck, took a huge rip of joint and got so high that it became chill. It was instantly fried because joints body is 99.99% thc. Blunt pulled chuck up and chuck was screaming the entire time. “Stop screaming you’re fine man, hit this shit and relax.” “Fuck you Blunt I was inches away from getting eaten by a mutant demon whale!” “But you didn’t so why are you so mad? Come on man, let’s get everyone on the whale and find somewhere to live, everything’s gonna be alright.” Everyone got on top of the giant whale and even though they had no idea where to go, or what to do, they had fate on their side. The whale got caught in a big current that was taking them straight to land.

Finally, I can jerk off

At the same time that B&J and the survivors were floating towards land, something bigger was taking place. That strongest threat I mentioned, it was pure evil. And they were headed straight towards it. His name is Xan The Man. His backstory, is even sadder then joints, it’s the worst fate for a human. Loneliness. His father was a total incel twat. He only looked at women as objects for men to use, and treated Xan (once known as Greg.) and his mother like they were below human. His mother was strong though, and one day she saved up enough money to run away! She took Greg and ran away across the world. But their luck would not hold up. His mom caught Type 2 Mega Pig Gonorrhea. The 2nd version that the World Government released. She underestimated the power of the type 2, Her strength was her downfall. Greg was broken, he was alone, he had barely any money, no place to live, nothing to live for. He got a part time job and spent most of his money on food and xanax. He was only 16 but he had to grow up with nobody there for him. He finally got sick of living that way, and he chose to give it all up. He didn’t see the value in himself anymore. He forgot that he was capable of an infinite amount of things. He created a device that could refine any pill that he wanted to, and put 1000 Xanax into the machine and pressed it all into a super xanny bar. Greg gulped nervously, threw it into his mouth, and gulped it down with an entire glass of water. He died instantly. But his soul was not ready to go. An ancient demon sensed all of his evil and hatred, he possessed Greg years before he died, Greg struggled with it for his entire life. But when he died, he was not granted passage into the next. As long as the demon lived, Greg was bound to the planet as Xan the Man. The demon took the form of a Gigantic xanax bar the size of an elephant, with giant blue eyes. It’s said that the demon was affected by the drug for 3 weeks. At first, Xan was a weak entity. He was slowly waking up his power, but the apocalypse came. This gave Xan the perfect opportunity to awaken his true powers, as there were was only chaos left in the world. He became a true monster. He brainwashed many people into following him and killed them, using their souls to create powerful minions. He could only make few of these minions though, as each minion took a part of his power as well to animate. He spent all of the time that the world was collapsing, to build an evil empire. B&J were strong, but could they truly kill such a horrible beast!? If the stars aligned, maybe they could pull it off. They were powerful too, but were they lucky? As they were riding the waves, one of the survivors noticed something in the distance. “Holy fuck are those mountains!? Trees!? We can find water and food now?” Chuck started laughing. He put his hand on the guys shoulder and said “Kid, I think everything is gonna be alright.” They made landfall, It was a soft yellow sandy beach, as far as the eye could see in both directions. In front of them, it seemed like paradise, a thick jungle with beautiful giant mountains, unfortunately for them, it was getting dark and they didn’t have much time to set up a nice base. Full well knowing this, all of the guys took a step off the whale, and all went off in their own direction, thinking the exact same thing.

Mind over Matter

After all the guys were done spanking their monkeys, their other carnal desire took over. “Oy, i haven’t had anything besides maggoty bread for 3 stinkin days!” One of the survivors said. This has no relation to LOTR, it was just true. “Can’t we just eat the whale?” Tiffany said. Tiffany was known for a deep love of big throbbing meat. She once took 3 1/2 meats at once all to herself. She also really liked eating meat as well. “Looks like meat is back on the menu bitches!” They killed the whale, and although he had a significant role in this story, he won’t ever get the credit he deserves. But I know mr demon whale. Semper Fidelis. Half of the survivors butchered the whale while the others started work on a giant fire. It was literally giant like a 30 foot circle on the beach. Pretty nice job not gonna lie. They had a massive feast, and the combination of post nut clarity, full bellies, and the stars above them, made the men all fall asleep by the fire. The lazy shits. The women however, stepped up to the plate. Elizabeth and a few other women approached B&J who immediately went off on their own, down the beach. They were getting ready to plant weed before they even got off of the whale. Elizabeth was a natural born beauty, but even more importantly, she was a leader. Her best friend Daeshona was right by her side and was even more beautiful. She had supreme wisdom and a loving heart. And despite how bad everything looked for humanity, everyone was in a good mood. Grateful to still have a chance at life. “Thank you guys. I know nobody has properly said this yet, but it needs to be said. Without you, we wouldn’t be here right now. All of us owe you our lives. And I hope we can continue to count on you, humanity needs you.” Elizabeth said to B&J. They were bent over planting seeds of course, seeds they had picked straight from their own bodies. They both looked at her, and then without saying a word, went straight back to planting. Liz was pretty annoyed with this. But she knew how to stay cool, calm, and collected, without sacrificing her inner bad bitch. She bent over and whispered right into B&Js faces “I..said..thank..you.. Did you smoke so much you forgot how to speak English?” She had their attention now. Joint sighed and looked at Blunt. Blunt nodded softly and started speaking “Listen... we aren’t doing this for you, we aren’t the super hero’s you think we are. We’re only doing this because we made a promise to someone a long time ago. It’s someone, and something that you know nothing about. We will always protect humanity as long as we are here, but don’t get it wrong. We aren’t interested in being your hero, or your savior, or your leader, or anything like that.” She looked at Joint, and his previously happy demeanor had completely changed, he had a single tear rolling down his cheek. He walked into the darkness but the girls could hear him choking back his tears. Blunt, almost as if he was getting down onto his knees in utter defeat, Bent down and shook his head. “Whatever this promise was, it was something deep.” Elizabeth thought to herself. Only Liz and Daeshona had heard what Blunt had said, and seeing their saviors in such a sorry state, put a damper on the general mood. The optimism and calmness was replaced with doubt and anxiety. Daeshona noticed this and knew that they had to do something. “Ok listen up ladies! Play time is over!” She yelled, she looked to Elizabeth and nodded her head. “Daeshona is right! For gods sake ladies we just made it across the ocean on a giant demon whale, just in time to dodge the reapers cold, wet, hands. Not to mention the impossible odds we went through to even make it that far! Even through all of that, we made it here together, we’re safe here, we can start rebuilding society, start families, and we can do things right this time!” Some of the girls started cheering. “Right now, what’s important is staying positive. We have the chance to focus on living and not just surviving, but we have to stay strong to get there. Nothing is more important then that. I love you all, but to be honest, I’m scared too. We have no idea what’s out there. What obstacles will come up, what fortunes will bless us, but we have each other right now. And just like everything else, we can get through this together.” The men were woken up by the commotion and although they only heard the end where Daeshona yelled “So what do you say ladies!? Who’s ready to kick some ass!?” And all the women started chanting “kick some ass” over and over this was enough to get them hyped up over whatever was happening. The simpletons. Blunt and Joint, totally inspired by Elizabeth’s speech, walked up to her. Joint laughed half embarrassed half impressed and said “See, we really aren’t the true hero’s of this story. See how happy everyone is now. Sure, everything is stacked against us, we could totally die in like 10 seconds at any point in time, but one little spark of hope and humanity will cling to it like they are the universe and it’s the last star. To them, we will always be the ones who defended them when they needed it, the shield they keep close in a fight. But you’ll always be their last star Liz. You are the hope of humanity.” Elizabeth was surprised at this huge compliment, blushed and started tearing up. She turned to all of the survivors, now in a positive mood, planning, laughing, getting ready to face the unknown. Chuck waved to Liz, signaling her over. She grinned, got ready to say something, but when she turned around, Blunt and Joint had already gone back to planting their precious bud. She laughed to herself and ran over to the survivors, determined to lead her people to a good life. However amongst all the good that was happening, what they didn’t notice was that some of Xans minions had been attracted to the light caused by the giant fire. They started to run back to their base to alert Xan, but it would take some time to get back to their home. The survivors had time, but not much.

Pants are for the weak

After a long but well spent night of hard work, all of the people started to fall asleep, they had some shelter, some beds made of palm leaves, some spears, but not really much else. However this was enough to satisfy them for now, and sleep was the only thing they could think about anymore anyways. Blunt and Joint on the other hand, were super badasses who didn’t need no sleep. As the Sun was rising over the water, slowly illuminating the paradise they had found, B&J were sat side by side waiting to harvest the weed they had planted 8 hours prior. “These are taking a bit longer to grow then the last batch eh Joint?” “Well Blunt if you don’t remember, last time you got impatient and caught all of the plants on fire! Pretty sure you said “fuck it I can’t wait anymore man” Threw them in a fire pit and left your face over the smoke for 2 hours.” Blunt started wheezing from laughing so hard and said “Yeah just making sure you didn’t forget buddy.” His laughter caused him to knock a plant into the sand. “Ahh look what you did, that one is yours man.” Joint said, now laughing himself. And just in that moment, the buds all simultaneously bloomed on the plants, some as big as a fat baby. Excited, Joint let out a howl like a lone wolf. Blunt howled back but much louder. Joint couldn’t handle how pussy his howl was compared to Blunts, and howled again but even louder! This caused a series of back and forth howls that got so intense that it sounded like 2 werewolves trying anal for the first time. They kept going until somewhere off in the distance, something decided to howl back. Wasn’t much of a howl though, more like the lifeless screech of an ancient demon hungry for souls. Xan had heard the 2 howling, and mistook B&J for giant 2 legged alligator wolves. Something Xan was not in the mood to deal with. He let out his most terrifying yell hoping to scare the beasts away. Dumbass. The howling had woken up the survivors, and even though they all heard the evil screech, they were too out of it to really care. They just wanted some demon whale steak. Blunt and Joint however, were thoroughly shook. It sent shivers down their seams, made goosebuds all over them, and made Joint fart a lil squeaker. They quickly got Chuck and Liz, and frantic to get the people ready for whatever abomination was on its way, quickly told them “Listen, something bad is going to happen, real bad. Something is on its way here right now, and it wants to kill all of us, possibly worse. This is beyond any evil you know of. You need to get everyone ready to fight and you need to prepare to lose us today. Blunt and I must meditate and draw out the true power within us. I can sense the creature, it draws nearer every second. We have less then an hour before we must fight. Their is no more time. Please, you 2 must do this now!” Blunt smiled and put one hand on each Elizabeth and chucks shoulder. “You 2 got this. Don’t worry about us, worry about your people.” “You’re our people too, you know. And you’re the ones who don’t need to worry, me and Chuck have this handled.” Liz smiled back, and then knuckle bumped Chuck. The 2 groups turned around at the same time, the King and Queen walked to the others, and the Knights walked into the ocean. They smoked a huge amount of weed, and had the most intense meditation sesh in the history of consciousness. The things they saw, experienced, learned, could never be described by word. And when they sensed that the evil was less then 2 minutes away, they both opened their eyes, with a newfound peace of mind and confidence. They were completely focused on combat. A flock of blood red seagulls flew overhead, as if they were flying away from the intense power emanating off of Xan the Man. “Hey Blunt, you remember that promise we made to our sensei? Back when all of this started? Do you think we can keep it?” Joint said. “Quit acting like a baby Joint, if we can’t, we’ll die along with the promise anyways. The only way to keep his legacy going, is for us to survive, and to keep that promise forever. It’s time to fight, are you ready or not?” “Of course I’m ready. I’m just not sure if we can win.” “Me neither, but it doesn’t matter does it. We have to fight.” They both looked at each other and laughed. “Of course we got this, now cmon, our friends are waiting for us.” B&J joined the survivors, They were lined up, ready to fight for their lives. Some of them had managed to make themselves some makeshift armor out of twigs and whale scales, and a couple of whale scale spears. Most of them just had wooden spears and the clothes on their backs though. The armored ones were the front line, including Chuck, and Karen who was actually pretty good at kicking ass. B&J posted themselves in front of the armored people in hopes that they wouldn’t have to fight at all. Xan was so close now that they could hear the branches breaking and the trees falling in the forest. Any second now, annnnny second, just one more, andddd boom goes the dynamite. Everything suddenly went slow-motion for Blunt and Joint. This was the make or break moment for mankind, and the adrenaline spike caused their perception of time to distort momentarily. Their usually goofy demeanors were replaced by a fire that could burn down hell. Xan busted out of the forest with 2 of his minions on his back, took one look at the group in front of him, and let out a roaring and condescending laugh. “This is what you 2 fools were afraid of!? A couple of half baked pirates and some meat sacks barely hanging on? I should have you 2 sent to the doctor and checked because it appears you both LOST YOUR BALLS! Hahahaha!” Blunt took this moment to point out something important. “Hey ugly, I think you forgot your pants at home. We’re you that excited for your first day of schooling?” “Silence you nimrod, you shall address me as Xan the Man, and I’ll have you know that I am a being beyond pants. If I had to wear pants I would be no different from you sorry lot. No, I choose the pants less travelled.” “Well Xan the garbage can, pants or no pants, you underestimate us. We will defeat you, and make you put pants on. My name, is Fatass Joint, you already met my associate, Blunt. And as long as you are pantsless, you’ll be our personal punching bag!”

Zen and the art of Marijuana

Each of the minions jumped off of Xans back. According to Joint they resembled “Fat fucking cats but way bigger..” Realistically though one was half man, half tiger, and the other was man mixed with a lion. Extremely large claws, massive jaws with razor sharp teeth, and muscles that could make Arnold Schwarzenegger drool. All with the intelligence of a man. These were no ordinary opponents. “Joint, Blunt, leave these 2 house cats to me.” Chuck said courageous and confidently. Stepping in front of them, spear pointed at the beasts. “Hahaha, it’s been a while since I got to beat some pussy up!” And without another second going by, chuck leapt over 15 feet, within inches of the lion, and struck his spear straight through the lions chest. Quick to react though, the lion was able to move his body just enough to avoid a fatal blow through his heart. Chuck noticed this and used all of his force to throw the spear through the lion, sending the lion flying back into a tree. “See, one down already!” Chuck yelled. Amidst the conflict, Xan started muttering phrases of an ancient language very quietly. Not even Xans minions knew how he attacked. He attacked using his secret chants and inner power to draw energy from hell. He knew things from before even mankind existed. “Heh, not bad for a normal human. But don’t count me out yet, I’m just getting started with you. Blunt noticed a shift in the Lions energy and saw its eyes turn from brown to a bright glowing red. He knew he had to strike the lion while it was still weak. He shot a Rasta colored lazer beam from his eyeballs, obliterating the animals upper half. “Now it’s dead, try doing that with a spear.” Blunt said. Chucks jaw dropped in awe. Xan was slightly annoyed by this, but the man tiger, was furious. He rushed over to his deceased brothers body, and absorbed the rest of the lions power into his own. This caused a great shockwave, pushing back everyone, even Xan. The tiger started to transform into a new beast entirely. He no longer even slightly resembled a man. His humanity was gone, replaced with a deep blood lust and predatory instinct to kill. His body completely turned into that of a demon twisted lion with a tiger head and a tail made of the burning essence of hell, said to be hotter than the sun itself, yet concentrated and contained. “That’s one for the books eh boys!?” Blunt said turning around, he went to high five Joint but before he could the awakened demon tiger rammed his head so hard that it sent him into a temporary dream state, in which he was swimming in a pool full of weed. It also sent him flying backwards at a super high speed. He quickly reoriented himself but before he was ready the tiger was already lunging in for another attack. It’s jaws clenched around blunts neck but Joint was right behind them and was able to uppercut it, sending it flying up in the air. The tiger wasn’t going to let an opportunity go to waste though and slashed Joint with his tail. Joint instantly caught on fire and started freaking out. “Stop drop and roll Joint! Stop drop and roll!” Chuck started yelling. He frantically started rolling around in the sand, unfortunately for him, leaving him open for another attack. This time the monster rammed into Joint at Mach speed, pushing him into the dirt and leaving a massive crater. Blunt drop kicked the tiger beast away from Joint and used his weed powers to create a greatsword made out of his own body. Although this sword was made of weed, it was sharper then any manmade sword could dream of being. “You okay man!?” He said. “Yeah just give me a second, damn that really knocked the smoke out of me.” The tiger demon landed on his feet, and pounced straight at blunt, its loss of intelligence was ultimately its downfall. Fueled by blind rage, the beast dove straight into Blunts swing, cutting itself perfectly in half. Joint was in the process of standing up when this happened, but looked up just in time to see half of the animal flying towards him. He quickly moved out of the way and watched the 2 parts of the beast fly another 100 feet out into the ocean. Within a second a monkey shark grabbed the mangled mess of a creature and swam its free lunch down to the bottom of the ocean. Joint looked at Blunt, who looked at Chuck, who was collapsing to the ground in front of them. They looked around them and noticed the rest of the survivors starting to collapse too. “What the hell is happening!?” They were fine just a second ago!” Blunt yelled. “Well well well, I see you two are immune to my sleeping spell. Isn’t this a treat. It’s been over 10,000 years since I’ve been in a real fight! You may have been stronger then my minions, but don’t get too cocky. The fun hasn’t even started yet!” Xan belched deep, and like a dragon, he spewed out a thick mist of unbelievably potent xanax dust. B&J instantly moved back a few hundred feet down the beach. “How are we gonna handle this guy Blunt? He has no pants!” “Forget the pants man! They aren’t important. And forget fighting too! No amount of violence will solve this fight. No, pain is what got him to this state, marijuana is the only way to save him now. I know you aren’t going to like this Joint, but I know how to stop him.” Joint already knew exactly what Blunt was going to say, and with the look of the 2 hardest motherfuckers, they faced their enemy. It was time to either end this, or die trying. Blunt started shooting lazers at Xan the man in hopes to distract him while Joint ran to grab his torch. Xan noticed the lazers and quickly chanted something. The lazers went right through Xan, like he was a ghost. Blunt braced himself for the counter attack. But internally he was scared. Those lazers were one of his stronger attacks and they didn’t even leave a mark. Xan chanted again and sent a shower of sharp xanax crystals flying towards Blunt, each one that hit Blunt sent him flying back 10 feet and screaming in pain! Blunt, with multiple crystals now sticking out of his body, was still standing strong. He still had an ace up his sleeve, but if he used it too soon, they would fail. He just needed to hold out in time for Joint! Before he could attack back, Xan was already chanting again. This time hells essence started shooting out of the ground like geysers in a straight line towards Blunt, each one getting larger. Blunt dodged the attack and started running towards Xan at full speed. Or so Xan thought. Behind the giant explosions of fire and sand, Blunt had secretly cloned himself and hid just under the surface of the sand. Xan was unaware of this and started to attack the clone, the clone however was able to dodge Xans attacks, even though he knew he should be connecting. “What is this annoyance? Have you sent a clone after me? Don’t tell me your so scared that you would run away from a fight! How pathetic are you!?” Xan babbled. Blunt came out from under the sand, he wasn’t trying to fight, just buy time. Luckily for him, Joint was already back and ready to put their plan into full swing. Joint lit Blunt up and got ready to end the fight once and for all. “Alright you pantsless freak. We’ve had enough of your games. Either come at us like you mean it, or quit wasting our time.” Joint said, trying to provoke Xan into a close ranged fight. The bait worked, almost a little to well as within the blink of an eye Xan was over Joint and Blunts body. He slammed himself into the 2, but Joint pushed back, using all of his strength to stop Xan. The force of this caused a tidal wave so massive that it hit the opposite end of the landmass 2 weeks later. “Now Blunt! Do it now!” Blunt used his ace, he mixed the sand with hemp fibers from his body, turning it into a thick paste, which quickly hardened to be stronger than diamonds. He stuck Xan to ground but this wouldn’t last long. “Your play Joint. Hurry it up!” Joint took a huge rip from Blunts body, ran behind Xan, and blew the smoke straight up his asshole. Boofing usually isn’t this violent kids. Xan let out a horrible scream, like he had just learned how to look inward. Millions of years of 0 introspection, and evil acts were all starting to catch up with the demon. He fell down, got in the fetal position, and started mumbling to himself. “I regret my entire existence. Why couldn’t I have lived for the full experience of life itself instead of just the negativity it brings?” Xan transformed back into Greg’s human body. Although he was still dead, his body had a slight smile on its face. He could finally meet the peace he deserved. Bluddy, broken, and bruised, B&J plopped down on the ground and both let out a big sigh of relief. Each of them lit up a fat ass joint and a killer blunt. “Do you think they’ll wake up soon B?” “Man, I hope not.”

The End

And how am I here you ask? Well, unfortunately I couldn’t save the world this time. But having my consciousness downloaded into a robots body, has given me another chance to protect mankind. And I’ll continue to watch over them until the day my batteries die.

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