#i never really had a depth to begin with because again am Child

[maintitle]

I want to talk a little bit about the Morrigan/Mythal situation, because I've seen a lot of people talk about how Morrigan chose Mythal and chose that power and therefore this is her life and her ultimate evolution and generally just dismissing what happens to her after Mythal rejoins her as a natural evolution of the character, girlboss, ect. I don't want to be dismissive of that take because it can be one that is easily taken without reflection, but I do think it terribly misunderstands the nature of Flemeth and Morrigan's relationship and the methods by which she was very carefully raised.

So let's talk about Morrigan, how she was groomed and abused, and the training she took great pride in that was ultimately weaponized against her by design. Let's also talk about the great pains the game goes through in order to sidestep these issues, and by doing so leaving a much better story on the cutting room floor in order to make a very tepid story of parental forgiveness that misses the depth of their relationship entirely.

I'd like to say at the jump that the fusion of Morrigan and Mythal isn't a story I'm resistant too. I assumed this was the direction they would go and I truly think there was some fascinating storytelling to be had that expanded upon the themes already present in both. But I also think the Veilguard writers either misunderstand the exact nature of how Morrigan was raised, or needed to ignore it in order for Morrigan to serve as a vessel for Mythal in order to serve Solas' story (an issue I have with her use in this game in general, but that's for another post.)

The most revealing conversation that I think Morrigan has in regards to Flemeth is actually one that occurs very early in Origins. I think it's juxtaposition with other scenes is important;

Morrigan: "My Mother has been hunted from time to time, yes. My Templar fools like Alistair, which should tell you how successful they generally were. Flemeth made a bit of a game of it, in fact. The Templars would come again and she would look at me and smile and say that the fun was to begin once more."

Warden: "You really had no trouble with them?

Morrigan: "I am unsure. I was too young to understand, and perhaps 'twas bravado on Flemeth's part. Or perhaps she was merely amused. I will never know. Flemeth would warn them, once. 'Twas a warning they inevitably failed to heed." Morrigan: "And then the true game began. Often Flemeth would use me as bait." She giggles in amusement. "A little girl to scream, and run, and lure the templars deeper into the wilds and to their doom."

Warden: "Flemeth used you as bait?"

Morrigan: "'Twas a game, and I a young girl. If I didn't get to play, I would have been very upset."

This is a really important example, not just of how callously Morrigan was trained to kill when she was challenged at such a young age, but also because it exemplifies how Flemeth taught her. There's an assumption that Flemeth simply yelled and screamed at Morrigan her entire childhood, and that was true in places, but Flemeth was very crafty in how she presented the lessons that she felt were necessary for Morrigan to have.

A bit further into the conversation;

Warden: "Do you still think it was fun?" Morrigan: "I think that my Mother made it fun so that a child did not learn to fear. And I think it was necessary."

Interestingly, if you don't agree with this assessment, Morrigan ends the conversation very suddenly.

The point of highlighting both of these conversations isn't necessarily to outline the casual and cruel abuse, but instead to show how sinister Flemeth's teaching methods were. She treated a child with kindness and the warmness of a friend or Mother when it suited the needs of Morrigan's lessons, but when she broke out and did something that would endanger those teachings, she violently lashed out, as is evident with the mirror scene.

These juxtapositions are important when you look at who Morrigan becomes as an adult, and why she's sent away during the Blight at all. As we know, it was Flemeth's plan all along for Morrigan to offer the ritual before the battle with the Archdemon, but Morrigan posits that it's now her making those decisions and not her Mother. This is highlighted by the line;

Morrigan: "Some things are worth preserving in this world. Make of that what you will."

If we jump ahead a bit to Inquisition, this thought process is expanded on a lot more, in a lot more detail, highlighting the philosophy in Mythal's temple;

Morrigan: "There is... a danger to the natural order. Legends walked Thedas once, things of might and wonder. Their passing has left us all the lesser. Corypheus would squander the ancient power of the well. I would have it restored"

Inquisitor: "I wasn't expecting your answer to be so... romantic."

Morrigan: "Trust me. Your surprise is matched only by my own." Sigh. "Mankind blunders through the world, crushing what it does not understand: Elves, dragons, magic... the list is endless. We must stem the tide or be left with nothing more than the mundane. This I know to be true."

On a surface level, this can be seen as an evolution of who she was in Origins and what she believed then. I can see how that mistake might be made, and I can see how that thought process can lead to accidentally mistaking Veilguard's reply to it as being that same evolution. But if we look at the Dark Ritual, we see this is an opinion based within the philosphy she was always taught by Flemeth.

In order to expand on that, we can actually look to the comics, in the little-explored character of Yavana, sister of Morrigan.

I want to stress first we don't TRULY know much about Yavana. History implies she's a figure out of Antivan legend going back multiple ages, but it's sort of impossible to know if that's true or if it's even her and not a previous Witch Of The Wilds, or even a previous host of Mythal. I hesitate, therefor, to truly assume what her relationship with her Mother was like, however I will very carefully put forward that, based on what little dialogue we have of her, she may be a 'failed' daughter of Flemeth that Mythal deemed unworthy, as she knows about Mythal inhabiting her daughters, see's it as Flemeth does, and seems somewhere between disapointed and jealous in the fact that Morrigan seems to misunderstand that. (I'm not really here to run back the whole Origins possession versus Inquisition's and now Veilguard's 'a soul is not hefted on the unwilling, because frankly it doesn't really weigh in on the point being made here as much as you'd suspect, as you'll see.) But this assumption is questionable, and might be both wrong and not relevant to the issue, if perhaps fairly telling.

What we DO know about her for certain is that she was raised by Flemeth, and at some point moved to Antiva in order to nurture and preserve the return of Dragons to Thedas. Her actual wording of this point, I think, is so telling of FleMythal as a character that I almost wish it wasn't hidden away in the comics;

This is, nearly verbatim, the same message Morrigan gives both in short in Origins before the Dark Ritual, and in much more detail in the Temple Of Mythal in Inquisition. I also find Alistair's response to this INCREDIBLY telling, as one of Alistair's great talents is seeing through people;

While I think the phrasing is very purposefully dismissive and flippant, I don't think the sentiment is totally off base. It actually leads me into the entire thesis of this post, and an aspect of this relationship that some fans and even writers seem to blatantly miss;

The preservation of the old magic is not Morrigan's dream. The preservation of magic is what Morrigan was raised to value most in the world by her abuser.

To illustrate this, let's look at Morrigan's arc in Inquisition, and what it's actually saying about her and Flemythal; The cycle of abuse.

Mythal's Temple is a story about Morrigan and the folly of pride, certainly, but it's also a character arc of a woman who was very carefully raised to HAVE that pride. This isn't an assumption I have made based on evidence, Flemeth outright says it in DA2;

Hawke: "Is (Morrigan) someone I should know?" Flemeth: "She's a girl who thinks she knows what is what better than I, or anyone." Chuckle. "And why not? I raised her to be as she is. I cannot expect her to be less!"

This is, to be, the smoking gun of Flemeth's entire method of teaching and parenting. She is incredibly adept at training flaws into her daughters, pride being the greatest of them. More than that, she's very talented at imparting just enough knowledge that they think they know everything, while also holding back vast amounts of it in order to stay in control.

The Temple Of Mythal is one of the crowning achievements of that. While you can't exactly expect Mythal to have known that's where Morrigan would end up (although Morrigan certainly questions if she knew it would happen), it really hardly matters if she knew or not. Morrigan was raised from birth in order to make the exact decision she made at the Temple. The preservation of what might be lost is such a core part of her being that she can't escape it... and more than that, she can't fathom it being a negative trait. To her, it's a holy calling.

I'm going to pull out the most direct conversation of abuse Morrigan documents now, not to pile on more evidence, but instead because I think it's a more effective conversation to use as juxtaposition of why she thinks that than I could make myself;

Leliana: They say your mother is Flemeth, a witch of the Korcari Wilds. Morrigan: They also say that washing your feet in winter makes you catch cold in the head, but we all know that is not true. But sometimes they are right and they are right in this. Leliana: You know the stories about-- Morrigan: Of course. You think my mother would let me go without telling me all the stories of her youth? Leliana: My mother told me stories too. She was the one who kindled my love of the old tales and legends. Morrigan: Hmph. my mother's stories curdled my blood and haunted my dreams. No little girl wants to hear about the Wilder men her mother took to her bed, using them till they were spent, then killing them. No little girl wants to be told that this is also expected of her, once she comes of age. Leliana: I... uh... I see. Morrigan: No, you don't. You really don't.

This is the environment Morrigan grew up in. She was exposed to Flemeth taking advantage of men, she was exposed to gruesome murder both as a game and in casual moments. Any attempt she made to take self-possession or grow as a person was aggressively curtailed and broken. This was a girl so afraid of her home life that, for many years, she spent as much time as she could living amongst the animals of the forest, and escaping her home life.

Now, imagine; This same abusive woman gives you positive reinforcement. You're a child, and you crave that attention like any child would of their Mother, and you know that reinforcement comes when you're an attentive and talented student. The closest you ever are with your Mother is when you're taking in everything she has to teach you, so it becomes the center of your life. Soon, it's not just a method by which to be close to your Mother, but a core tenant in your life. They stay with you as a fascination, as something you take pride in, as a holy crusade even as you escape your abuser and move on into a happier version of your life where you've grown and matured, where you've seemingly broken the cycle.

Now, imagine the discovery that those few, core, good memories you have were horribly tainted. The lessons you were taught were cyclical, a method by which to control you and gather that which she needs. Your life goal, your career, your passion was entirely made in order to benefit the abuser you've run from your entire life. Imagine who devastating that would be.

That's what happened at the Temple Of Mythal. That was the pride that Flemeth trained into Morrigan, the path by which she wanted her to evolve. She seized that opportunity, and that opportunity either tied her to her abuser forever, and/or told her abuser where she and her son was after years of protecting him from her.

Everything you know, everything you are, everything you've protected... is based on a lie.

Morrigan's character arc in Inquisition is her breaking that cycle. 'What Pride Had Wrought' is in reference at least partially to Morrigan's personal journey, where that pride, that passion, is something she recklessly seizes on because to her it is good and right and just and hers by nature, and it is that pride that was so ingrained into her by her abuser that she watches tear her son away from her and into the hands of said abuser.

In that moment, when she's faced by everything that her pride could lose her, she is forced to reckon with everything she has ever believed, and in the face of her greatest fear... she chooses to break the cycle of abuse. She chooses to assure that her son is safe.

The most obvious quote to be in this write-up;

Flemythal: "As you wish. Hear my proposal, dear girl. Let me take the lad, and you are free of me forever. I will never interfere with or harm you again. Or, keep the lad with you... and you will never be safe from me. I will have my due." Morrigan: "He returns with me." Flemythal: "Decided so quickly?" Morrigan: "Do whatever you wish. Take over my body now, if you must, but Kieran will be free of your clutches. I am many things, but I will not be the Mother you were to me."

This is obviously Morrigan's most famous line, but I actually am not sure if folks understand the truth depth of it; This is not only breaking the cycle of abuse and freeing her son of it, but she's also going against every natural instinct that was bred into her. This woman, the girl that was raised to lure men to their deaths for fun, who's most crucial life lesson was to do anything in order to survive... accepts she will never be safe again. She accepts the possibility of constant danger just to keep her son safe a day longer, a sacrifice her Mother would have never made for her.

This was a possible full culmination of her story. And Veilguard... sort of ignores the meaning of it by giving undo attention to Flemeth's head tilt.

I want to take a moment to preface this next section by saying that I was in no way resistant to the idea of Morrigan being possessed by Mythal in Veilguard. I in fact expected it and was excited by the possibility. There was a really brilliant way to handle the situation even within the parameters of how the game handled it, but the developers chose instead to dismiss this situation in a few lines so that they could instead focus on Mythal, and her relationship with Solas.

I don't want to outright insult the writers here. Veilguard was a game I greatly enjoyed. But I do want to say this because I find it deeply regressive, and I also find the decisions that were made were a symptom of this issue; Morrigan is not in Veilguard for her own character. Morrigan is in Veilguard because she is a convenient vessel through which to explore a character that has much more importance to the main antagonist. This is already slightly regressive because it's two characters largely only serving the plot of one male character, but I find it most troubling because the character they use her for is her own abuser, and by paying as little attention to that as possible while also barely using Morrigan herself as a character, it creates a very tepid story of parental forgiveness that... doesn't work as presented.

From her scene in the Crossroads after finding all of Solas' regrets;

Morrigan: "When I learned she intended me to become the next receptacle of an ancient god's soul, I feared naught would be left of my own. It inevitably came to pass on a deep night: I was awakened by the presence of a blaze of magic in the shape of a woman who both was, and was not, my Mother."

Rook: "I don't think I'd recover from that."

Morrigan: "Neither did I, at the start. Mythal's memories were both gift and burden, this blazing woman told me, but I must accept them of my own accord. The decision was paralyzing. What would it mean to become such a host? What would be lost if I refused? In the end, 'twas something in my Mother's voice which guided me."

Rook: "What was that?"

Morrigan: "Regret. Not the regret of a God, but of a Mother who knew she would never see me again. And so my mind remains my own. What I gained was knowledge... both Mythal's, and of those who bore her."

I think you can see where the problem lies, but let me reiterate:

Morrigan was a child of abuse. That abuse was calculated, both in how she treated her aggressively and how she gave her affection. Her methods of teaching, of raising a child, were there entirely to teach that child to continue on the legacy of Mythal. The preservation of magic was imbued very carefully into Morrigan and Yavana both in order to gather and save aspects of the ancient elves, and in order to prepare them to carry Mythal's soul. Pride was a weakness trained into them from childhood, and their lofty goal of protecting ancient magic was a weapon to be wielded in order to control them. This was a cycle Morrigan first discovered in Inquisition and began to fight against, because she wanted to break the cycle of abuse for the sake of her son.

In this game, Morrigan took on the memories of Flemythal... in order to preserve ancient magic that must be protected so that it is not lost. An instinct given to her by her Mother... in order to be used as a weapon... so that one day she would take on the soul of Mythal.

I want to be clear, I am not opposed to this storyline. I'm not going to yell 'That's problematic, you can't write that!' or 'That's a regression of her character!' because I think it's a fascinating direction to take both their characters.

The problem to me isn't that they went down this pretty natural path, the problem is they did it by... sidestepping any negative parts of how this would affect Morrigan. They sidestepped the fact that the reason she accepted her was largely because of something that Flemythal trained into her and weaponized against her, and the writing treats it as... a difficult moment that eventually brought her peace.

I think this is most exemplified in the aspect of Mythal's soul that remains in the Crossroads. As a concept some are saying it's arbitrary considering how Flemythal saved herself inside of an amulet in Origins/DA2, but I think that's lacks context. It's clear Mythal couldn't prepare this time, because she didn't expect Solas to murder her. Her soul, while saving itself, fractured into pieces. I'm definitely willing to defend that choice.

The problem, I think, is more that the fracturing is seemingly mostly used as a way to sidestep how Mythal's soul fully joining Morrigan would change this scenario. Morrigan's ultimate fear was becoming one with the soul of Mythal, so in order to avoid that they've attempted to only give Morrigan the memories of Flemythal while also seemingly leaving her unchanged as a character.

My issue with this thought process, first and foremost, is that it prevents them from exploring a much better story that has the chance of presenting a much better payoff as a story of an abused child coming to terms with her Mother. It removes the chance of Morrigan's possession being a major character arc, one that would further what she went through in Inquisition while also offering Flemythal a pathway toward an understanding with her daughter so that that ending could still be explored, in order to get to where they want to truly get to as fast as possible, which is using Morrigan as an agent for Mythal's forgiveness in order to fulfill Solas' character arc.

Imagine a more fleshed out version of this story, one where Morrigan had more of a presence within it. Over time, as you discover more about Mythal out through those flashbacks, you begin to realize something is... off about Morrigan. Her unique way of talking has slowly changed, her more sarcastic and poetic tone drips away in favor of Flemythal's more loose, jovial, sometimes playful but always pointed and aggressive tone. The player is prepared to pick up on that, but Rook isn't. Things eventually come to a head where Mythal has to reveal herself, likely as an aggressor similar to how she's handled in the Crossroads, and Morrigan is actually allowed to exist within this presentation. She sneaks through occasionally. The magic of the crossroads allows her moments of clear headedness. She reflects that she accepted her Mother's soul out of that fear, and that it's begun to change her, that she's scared of what she's losing, and even more frightened of how she's coming to understand her Mother. Conflict occurs and if you've reached Morrigan, she fights against Mythal's influence and regains control enough to fracture them just enough to have to come head-to-head, where you can guide them through decades of conflict to a mutual understanding or forgiveness through this bond they have, help Morrigan fully overcome Mythal, or help Mythal dominate Morrigan. Ideally, you'd have the ability to either remove Mythal's essence from Morrigan forcefully with an 'I reject you!' scene, or you can have your moment of forgiveness where the Flemeth side of Mythal removes herself from Morrigan, perhaps into the idol you use for Solas at the end.

But that's not what they did. What they chose to do, I think, is to sidestep a difficult issue, a problem this game does tend to have. I'm not entirely sure if they didn't quite grasp Morrigan's relationship with her Mother, or felt they were forced to gloss over it either because of the world state issue or their need to use Mythal, but the decision they came to is not an acceptable payoff to that story.

The truth of the matter is, this version of the stories' either inability to explore this issue in full or it's misunderstanding of it greatly hurts the characterization and misses a massive chance at more impactful storytelling. And that, to me, is the most damning creative decision of the entire game.

[stylesluxx]

wildflower – a.hotchner

[warnings: self doubt, relationship doubt, angst]

summary: in which y/n doubts her spot in hotch’s heart – inspired by wildflower by billie eilish

word count: 825

main masterlist

You've always known that Aaron had a love before you. It's impossible not to—Haley was a part of his life through so many milestones for many years. He's never talked about her in-depth, but the memories surround him, a lingering presence that never quite fades. Some days, you catch the look in his eyes, far away, like he's somewhere else entirely. And every time it happens, you can't help but wonder if it's Haley he's thinking of.

It's been a couple of years since her death, and though Aaron has moved forward, there's a part of him that you fear might still be anchored to the past. That maybe, you're not enough to replace what he lost. You've tried to ignore it, tried to convince yourself that your worries are unfounded, but the thought lingers.

Tonight, it's especially strong. You're sitting on the couch with Aaron, his hand resting on your knee as you watch a movie together. But his mind isn't here. You can tell by the way his gaze flickers, unfocused, staring at the screen but not really seeing it. It happens more often than you'd like to admit, and each time it sends a twinge of insecurity through you.

"Where are you?" you ask softly, trying to keep your voice light. He looks at you, startled as if he didn't realize you were speaking.

"I'm here," he says, offering you a small smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

But you're not convinced. You've been holding this in for so long, pretending that everything's fine, but tonight, you can't help yourself. The words spill out before you can stop them.

"Are you, though? Because sometimes it feels like...like you're somewhere else. Like you're still thinking about her."

Aaron's expression shifts, his smile fading as he turns to face you fully. He opens his mouth to speak, but you can't stop now. The floodgates are open.

"I get it, Aaron. I know how much she meant to you, how much you loved her. But sometimes I wonder if you still...if you still love her. And I know that's unfair of me, because how could you not? She was your wife, the mother of your child, and she was taken from you in such a horrible way. But where does that leave me? Am I just here to fill a void?"

He's silent, his brows furrowing as he processes your words. The air between you feels heavy, thick with the weight of what you've just admitted. You hate yourself for saying it, for pushing him when you know how much he's been through, but the fear has been gnawing at you for so long, that you couldn't hold it in anymore.

Finally, Aaron speaks, his voice low but steady. "You're not filling a void."

You look at him, surprised by the conviction in his tone. He leans forward, his hand tightening around yours.

"I'll always care about Haley. She'll always be a part of me because she's part of Jack's life. But I'm not in love with her anymore. I haven't been for a long time, even before she died."

His words make your heart stutter. "You haven't?"

"No," he says softly, his thumb brushing against your hand. "When I met you, I didn't know I was ready to love someone again. But you've given me something I didn't think I'd ever have. You gave me hope, and you've made me feel alive again. I don't look back at what I had with Haley and wish it were still here. I look forward with you."

Tears prick your eyes at his words, the weight of your insecurity beginning to lift. But still, there's a lingering doubt, one you're almost afraid to voice.

"But do you...do you regret it? That you're with me now?"

Aaron shakes his head firmly. "Never. I'm with you because I want to be. After all, I love you. You're my future, not my past."

He cups your cheek, his touch gentle but grounding, and you lean into his palm, the warmth of his hand seeping into your skin. His gaze is soft, and earnest, as he brushes away the tear that slips down your cheek.

"I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like you're second to Haley," he says, his voice thick with emotion. "That was never my intention. I love you. Only you."

You close your eyes, letting his words wash over you, their truth sinking in. You know he's being honest, that his heart is yours, but a part of you also knows that love doesn't erase the past. And maybe that's okay. Maybe love is about accepting that there will always be echoes of what came before, but choosing to move forward together, despite them.

When you open your eyes, Aaron is still watching you, waiting for you to say something. You reach up, covering his hand with yours as you press a kiss to his palm.

"I love you too," you whisper.

And for the first time in a long while, you believe that it's enough. You're enough.

[AN: I want to start posting multiple times a week but idk how I want to schedule that yet. maybe every 3 days? also I was supposed to post this days ago but forgot to queue it … AND AS YOU GUYS ARE READING THIS IM OMW TO MY SECOND ERAS TOUR SHOW HEHE. anyway, here's my taglist]

[evilminji]

I... am haunted? By my Midi-chlorian theory?

Cause they are PROBABLY? Some sort of Symbiotic Bacteria?

Which was my theory. Cause "micro-organisms" is vague af? And doesn't exactly tell us what KIND? But it's probably not a mammal or some sort of fish? So like... helpful blood bacteria. Got it! No different then a good gut biome. Makes perfect sense!

Yeah, THIS one has? For some reason? A hyper sensitivity to fundamental forces of reality? But I mean? Monkeys with type writers, right? Something, somewhere, was bound to get it. Some organisms get better smell to survive, some get sensitive whiskers. The blood bacteria got jacked in to Reality's newsreel. Some low ranking admin privileges.

Still? Needs a HOST to survive though. Doesn't, itself, even really HAVE a brain.

Cause it's a Bacteria.

A Bacteria and... and Bacteria can be multiplied. Grown. Obviously? Midi-chlorians refuse to do so outside of a living body. Or the Sith and various other researchers, bother ethical and UNETHICAL, would have figured out how to crack Midi-chlorian development.

They ALSO? We can only assume? DO NOT mix. As in? Any Midi-chlorian's? Removed from the Original Host™ die off pretty promptly. (In time with the blood rotting or new body assimilating the fresh, donated, blood.) So you presumably, couldn't take from, say, Skywalker and give to an average farmer, and have that farmer become mildly force sensitive.

Even THOUGH? The BLOOD? Is where his Midi-chlorians are! So PRESUMABLY? So long as he and the farmer had compatible blood types? That SHOULD happen! Because Anikin his a SHIT TON of Midi-chlorian bacteria in his blood and the farmer would be receiving some of that High Production Strain.

Not saying the farmer would ever become a powerhouse. But? There should? Be a difference? Even if it was only temporarily.

Yet? It seems? Like Midi-chlorian strains? Just don't MIX. They split off, during development of a child, begin cultivation of their own unique colony, and never again! Shall the stains blend. I'd go so far? As to say? They probably ATTACK other Midi-chlorians in THEIR space.

Like part of the immune system. Disease, poison, parasites, and of course? Those filthy, FILTHY Other Midi-chlorian Colonies trying to encroach upon THEIR resources. Get! GET!

Which is where? All past attempts have FAILED. Because they? Had an END GOAL first, and they worked their way backwards. Approached it all with either preconceived notions or complete derision of the subject matter. Ignoring countless culture's collective MILLENNIUMS of knowledge on the subject. The observations. The notes. The folk remedies and early sciences.

Arrogant. Forgetting or outright dismissing. Because THEY were better. THEY were SMARTER. Surely, THEY would crack the code! Unlock the SECRETS of this MYSTICAL building block of the Force!

Achieve... POWER.

But? The thing IS? Primitive? Does not and HAS not? Ever meant stupid. It means young. New. Doctors and scientists, doing the best they could, with what they had. To help as many as they could. The Force? It was a mysterious thing. They knew the shape of it. The edges, but not it's depths. They could observe.

If they did X... Y occurred. Medicine A? Brought about B and C side effects, avoid it going forward. Use Medicine D. So forth and so on. Building upon the knowledge of the past.

But OH, THEY? Didn't have fancy modern medical technology! Didn't know the modern terms! So obviously they were superstitious idiots!

Thus, attempt after attempt. Failed. Usually with innocent people, paying the price. Because Power. Because Fame. Because they could rule the galaxy and go down in history books... if only these simple little bacteria would COOPERATE. But.... they don't. Do they?

Because you lack understanding.

You. Can Not. Remove Them. From The. HOST.

They DIE.

They can exsist in exactly ONE(1) environment. Their NATIVE environment. Where you found them? That's where they need to STAY. If you found them in a tree? The need to stay in THAT specific tree. Dirt? Well then! Dirt from THAT specific region of THAT specific PLANET. No moving! Cease! Desist!

Are the Midi-chlorians in a baby? The start up strains were donated! Congrats! THEY LIVE THERE NOW. They are now NATIVE to the BABY. Can not exsist OUTSIDE the baby! In fact, will immediately begin to die! Outside that baby!

This is WHY Sith Alchemy is so fucked up. Lots of live experimentation and forcing Midi-chlorians into statis. Body horror everywhere. No mas! It DOES NOT SPARK JOY.

Which?! That leads me to my point! The part of all this THAT FUCKING HAUNTS ME!!!

Bacteria can be multiplied if you give it the right food. Fuck, it WANTS to multiple. WANTS to go gangbusters. Just? Absolutely apeshit. Thick enough in the blood to turn it all into PASTE. It doesn't have a brain. It can't look around and think to itself "hey, maybe we should slow down, we're straining the environment".

It's bacteria. Ultimately, in the end, JUST Bacteria.

Yes, it may be the medium by which we connect to The Force... but IT itself? Has no intelligence to negotiate with. Just like the cells in your body. And JUST like the cells in your body? It can be a cancer. Could kill you, if something went wrong.

If SOMEONE, deliberately, made things go wrong.

All in the name of "Science".

Yes, once again, I consider the SI-OC, even as I consider Midi-chlorians themselves. What "feeds" such a bacteria? A healthy body, presumably. Connection to the Force? Kyber, most likely. Force powerful items. We know they "call" to those who are Sensitive. But! As we know? The part of your body that can actually FEEL that call? Is the Midi-chlorians in your blood, which then transfers the information to it's host.

It is the Midi-chlorians that want that specific Force object. In all likelihood, because it benefits them. That it benefits you? Is a lovely side effect. That is can be used for things? Neat! Good on you for figuring that out! It would still call you to collect pretty, shining, rocks, even if you couldn't use Kyber for SHIT. You would be COMPELLED.

NEED it.

It makes the Midi-chlorians inside you go Brrrrr. Mmm, yes, happy chemicals. Positive reinforcement! You should continue to do OTHER things that help the Midi-chlorians! Like meditation, eating well, and being around others! Go on! Hug that baby! Yeeeeeah, good energy makes LOTS of Midi-chlorian food! (Bad energy too. We are not picky. But that Does Not Feel Nice. So like.... why tho?)

So! Consider!

You have yourself an UNETHICAL AF scientist. The Board does NOT UNDERSTAND THEIR GENIUS etc etc. They have completely lost their shit. Unfortunately, they have money. And Slavery and desperation abound. There are ugly, UGLY pockets of darkness in this galaxy.

They? Have An Idea™! (It is a terrible, horrifying idea)

This scientist? Is going to crack the Secrets of The Midi-chlorian! Become Famous! It is a plot heard many times before, sadly. Just as sadly? SI-OC's parents, who were on their way to the temple, never make it there. Make no mistake! Good people. Upset, of course, that they will be losing their daughter. But? As all good parents do?

They made the decision they thought was best for their baby girl. A lifetime of being understood. Supported. Of stable food and safe beds. A good, quality education they would never be able to afford. Being able to help people someday. They love their daughter. Weep for losing her. But sometimes? Loving your child? Means letting them go.

Not forgotten. NEVER forgotten. But somewhere better then they could ever give her. Safe from those who would see their child in chains.

They do not make it.

But they do not go quietly. When those bastards come for their little girl. They make it cost dearly. Not dearly enough. Never, ever, enough. But one of the other passengers is able to get off the emergency beacon. So the Jedi will know. They will come.

It... it has to be... enough...

And it is.

And they do.

But it is not just a pirate attack. Not JUST slavers. No... no this is far more horrifying. Far worse indeed. The Shadow sent to rescue the child? Stumbles into a festering shitshow. The sort that takes a TEAM to unravel. The not-pirates are mercenaries, are closing in fast. He send his data in full, in one big lump as an emergency download.

Capture likely eminent. They're experimenting on Force Sensitives. Need Back Up.

Help.

The Doctor is, of course, DELIGHTED! An adult specimen AND a child! Comparisons and contrasts! They ramble on, unhinged, to the horror of the Shadow. Who's eyes are locked on the Crecheling in a cage. He knows help will come... but will it come fast enough?

No. Not really.

But what keeps HIM from falling? Is the Crecheling that needs to be taught. Ironic, in a way, that the very thing their capture demands and demands? Is what helps them escape, however temporarily, their cages. Meditate. They are told. Or else.

Surrounded by stolen artifacts of Light.

Meditate.

Meditate.

Imagine, if you will, a dialysis machine. It filters the blood, yes? Pumps it outside the body? A terrible process. Trial and error. How far is too far? At what distance, do the midi-chlorians begin to die? The doctor kills... so, SO many innocent. Not their prize specimens. Jedi are hard to get! But slaves? Easy enough.

The Shadow can not Fall, he reminds himself. Can not give in to his grief or rage. His horror, his sorrow. It... it is so hard. To remember the Light. In this dark place. But the Crechling helps. The kyber, the artifacts. When... not... Not IF! But WHEN he gets out of here? He thinks... he thinks he should retire. Being a Creche Master sounds lovely, to be honest.

Bright. Peaceful.

The doctor completes their horror machine. He can not stop them from putting on SI-OC. After all... HE is done growing. It filters the blood, you see. Nice and close to the body. Through and around Force rich materials, in medical grade tubing. Exposing the Midi-chlorians directly to the energy they feed off of. Filter in a mineral solution to use as building blocks.

It WORKS.

The midi-chlorians in SI-OC blood start multiplying far faster and too far greater concentration then ever before. Slowly but surely boosting their Force Sensitivity as they go. What a rousing success.

If it weren't slowly killing SI-OC.

Ever imagine? What would happen if someone reached over and slowly started turning up the sensitivity on your eyesight? Your hearing? Your taste, touch, the FEELING OF YOUR BONES? If every breath was sandpaper, and every thought an adrenaline rush?

Could you imagine? FEELING the galaxy BREATHE? Knowing for a fact that your body had been specially designed for a certain level of sensitivity? And you had been broken? Because someone wanted to see if you could handle HIGHER?

Power without the support structure? Burns everything down.

Just because something CAN be done? Doesn't mean it will work the way you fantasize it will. Reality is not a story book. Where Power comes in pretty little packages, to be bought or sold or stolen. Midi-chlorians were always Bacteria. And trying to fuck with your own micro-biomes for more power? Was always destined to end in death and disease.

For you. For someone else. For every innocent you dragged into it.

They scoffed at the "primitive" scholars who warned not to fuck with it, yet still treat it like its a mystical power to be seized.

The Shadows that finally track down the lab? BURN it wil a VENGEANCE. It is a place of horrors. And initiate SI-OC is very, VERY sick. They aren't even sure they can risk taking her to Coruscant. Too many people. Jedha? Probably safer. Luckily their library has something that...? MIGHT? Be able to help treat this?

SI-OC probably never stops Tasting Time™ and seeing the Pretty Colors™ but? At least she becomes? Largely functional? Probably needs a disability animal. One that's mildly force sensitive, so it knows when she's ~~drifting~~ again. Keep her from walking into traffic or off a landing platform.

The random bouts of prophecy and mind reading are a bit disconcerting, but like? Lay off! It's not SI-OC fault! Be nice! She can't help it! Don't be rude! D:< she basicly has tiny Force Nexus in HER BLOOD. So WHAT if she occasionally stops to admire a sunrise that hasn't existed for thousands of years? It's probably pretty!

The younglings? Very understanding. Adults are a bit creeped out. But like? Eh. Just EXTRA Jedi-y Jedi... they guess? (No, no not really. This one had a serious Force Incident. But like FUCK we're breaking rank to tell outsiders that sooooo..... Sure? Yeah. Let's go with that!)

Ironically? I bet? Anikin gets along great with her? They're team "WHY YES, THE FORCE IS VERY LOUD. WHY ARE WE SHOUTING? SO YOU CAN HEAR US! OVER THE FORCE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT THAT LOU-?". He got it naturally, she got it by getting fucked over. But? They can both go?

"Hey, you feel that thingy in the-?" *vague hand motion* and get a "oh YEAH! Wonder what's THAT'S about?". Does anyone else feel it? No. Is it obvious to THEM? Yes.

Will Anikin punch your lights out, if you mock his disabled friend? *boss music starts playing* R U N. Padme would help. Tag team, fuckeeeeer! *from the highbar with a steel chair*

Community is EVERYTHING. And sometimes? It's you, your secret wife, your brother-mentor-dad, the Clone army you adopted, and the perpetually Force High/Vaguely Brain Damaged jedi you call your best friend! And the droids. And your secret wife's body gaurd squad. And the younglings your friend-... actually? You know what? Your family's kinda big.

Awesome :)

@legitimatesatanspawn @babbling-babull @spidori @hdgnj @hypewinter @leftnotright @the-witchhunter @lolottes @mayfay

[kidspawn]

AFTG - The Sunshine Court (Reaction Notes)

Alright. Been a minute. Jean met Jeremy, Cat, and Laila, and toured his new little home. More Jeremy in general. I'm starting to like this Jeremy kid, tbh. Some quieter, slice of life moments with intense trauma dumping/lore drop. Shoutout to Jeremy Knox for being a reclusive and tight-lipped little guy, because something is up with him. Push and pull and healing aches with Jean. Language kink! And the beginning of my love story with Cat because lord hold me I think I'm in love. The more we learn about the Ravens the harder this gets to read, and the more impressed I grow with the improvement in writing.

(Once again: this is more in the style of annotations I'd put in my book margins/stream of conscious thoughts than an in-depth analysis!)

CHAPTER SEVEN

- "Men like Wymack shouldn't exist" SAY IT LOUDER FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK: WYMACK IS THE BEST OF US. Could go on and on about Wymack being one of the only legitimately good people in the series.

- "tousled caramel brown" be for fucking real 😭😭😭

- YOYO IN HIS WIRED EARBUDS HAHAHAHAHA

- "it didn't matter that Jeremy Knox was annoyingly easy to look at" SHU-

- I find the fact that Jeremy is the opposite of what Jean has learned a captain should be to be fascinating. It's a direct opposition to the type of captain he's been conditioned to expect.

- THEY DONT CHOOSE THEIR MAJOR!?!?

- Oh i could go on and on. "school as a means to an end" breaks my heart. I mean, obviously don't force people to go and do school if they don't want to but if they are like you should enjoy it at least a LITTLE BIT!?!?

- History nerd Kevin Day will, however, do me in everytime. I think it's one of the earliest signs we've been told of involving Kevin really sticking his neck out and advocating for something he wanted?

- Once again that restriction of identity the Ravens engage in - same majors, same classes, same goals. Limiting individuality and indoctrinating players into the team's fabric.

- I do appreciate how fiercely protective of Kevin Jean is.

- "Want to teach me any?" OH!?!?!?

- OH SHIT NVM OK WE GOT TRAUMA CONGA

- Oh and I love Cat. She's got that organized chaos vibe I really work well with

- Jean lasting about five minutes before having a meltdown. I mean, I hate to jest here but... bestie. Let her finish the tour

- "he wanted to break his fingers" you know this is interesting. i didn't know how prominent this would be, but Jean's first instinct being to hurt himself or others during periods of heightened emotion is a strikingly realistic response imo?

- I also appreciate seeing Jeremy be relatively assertive, but it's noted to be in a kind way. I better not see someone painting him as a pushover he's noted out the bat to dig his heels in and only yield as much ground as he is able without disturbing the team

- Which really leads me to consider that Jeremy has a very different approach to protecting his team vs protecting himself

- THEY'RE EXY PARTNERS YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

- "You strike me as an only child" 😭😭😭

- Cat really went, "ah you are my nut to crack alright stray cat you're getting bag treats and water until you cuddle me"

- "You're not telling me that's everything you own? What the fuck?" HAHAHAHA Oh Cat omfg I adore you i love you she says the quiet part out loud I am in love with you Catalina

- "I'm not dealing with this again. Buy some fucking clothes - W" HAHAHAHFWJFJEJDJSJS Something something Wymack's fifth rodeo.

- "His opinion came second" I'm genuinely excited to see Jean actually voicing whatever *he* wants, not what the Ravens or the Foxes or even Trojans told him to do. Like, if we get to a point where Jean can voice what he's actually wanting out of these moments and interactions.

CHAPTER EIGHT

- ugh wait I know I KNOW little Jeremy moment yes but can we just "Kevin had gone from Riko's side to Andrew's, and in the first year he had never put more than a campus between him and the short goalkeeper." idk that makes me feel a little emo yall.

- "Jean was exactly the kind of guy Jeremy would trip himself up over" STAWWWWWP Cat CALL HIS ASS OUT.

- "'Its not fair to either of us if I look" <- first i stress that he says "us" because the implication here is not JUST that Jean is the bad idea but Cat is definitely implying Jeremy is not in the best headspace for this either. Or Jeremy is implying it and they both know what he means.

- SAFETY FIRST HAHAHAHAHA

- ugh yes shifting POV because calling his hair uneven when we've been in Jean's head and we know this IS something he's a little sore over so of course he has that reaction

- his bitchiness is so so jarring from an outside POV but LORD is it compelling to switch between the two

- "What purpose does this serve?" "It makes us happy"

- GET JEREMY A DOG FUCKING NOW!?!?! (i know they get a dog but GET HIM A DOG RIGHT FUCKING NOW??)

- Im sorry

- His

- The first like "nice" thing Jean says ("nice" it's a fact to him) is to Laila, that she's good. An that the Trojans will win? STOP!?!?!?

- yeah keep his ass away from the press he just said he wants them to burn

- actually get him and neil the mic right now

- HAND THEM THE MIC!!!!

- in regards to the obvious trigger warning I was relatively nervous about going into:

- athlete dietary regiments are the fucking worst and I could go on and on about how my swim coaches personally contributed to my ED but maybe it's too soon but one comment sent me down a ten year spiral and I can't use my knees the same so you can see why I'm nervous for Jean

- over exercising and limited dietary intake results in some of the most disdainful medical circumstances

- I am not surprised the autonomy stripped from the Ravens trickles all the way to what they put in their bodies and I am equally not surprised Jean has an eating disorder (because like that's what it is) and I really hope this is given the time it needs to

- it can be easy to really fuck up this kind of plot line if you don't handle it well?

- the disparity in resources between the foxes and the trojans is so interesting

- 29 instead of 30 because of a fresh start AHHHHHH

- "Loving something is not enough" "When did you last enjoy playing" Fuccccccck

- I went off on a tangent in my head and forgot to annotate anything but I do want to add: noting Jean's little victories, the use of red and black as opposed to just his appointed clothing. He picked the shirt. He may have needed a second opinion, but he picked the shirt. Maybe it wasn't the bright colour recommended, but he picked the shirt. He held it tight as they left. It is such a little but poignant victory after the chapter we've had.

CHAPTER NINE

- OK SO

- I appreciate when, in-text or on-screen, characters will call others out for cutting off or omitting information. underrated detail, imo, but appreciated all the same!

- did i mention i love Cat

- I think I'm in love with Cat

- I also appreciate the "we will met you halfway as we are able" mentality

- that paired along with a "hey we are going to point out something is fucked up" I really just

- yeah I really fucking like that

- "I am Jean Moreau. I have always gotten exactly what I deserve" fucckkkkk

- his whole "drop the wholesome act" thing is curious because he's convinced all the Trojans are just pretending not to be monsters. Fascinating. Fascinating.

- I think Jean's statement, "I am going to be a problem" just... hurts. The fatigue in that statement. Fuck.

- HE PUT THE DOG IN JEAN'S ROOM? JEREMY YOU FUCKING SWEETHEART!?@?

- WAIT THIS MADE ME SO SOFT?

- JEAN WENT AND CLEANED UP AND SHOWCASED A KIND GESTURE AND JEREMY *RECIPROCATED WITH A KIND GESTURE* OHHH THE SLOW BURN IS SLOWBURNING

- hey Jeremy can you maybe uhhhh.... clue me in on what's going on bud. can you uhhh let me into your head. baby boy? darling? tell me what that's about? please? *cocks gun*

- HEY JEREMY CAN YOU STOP BEING VAGUE AS FUCK ABOUT WHATS GOING ON AT HOME!?!?@?

- oh PLEASE tell me we have frosted tips Jeremy i NEED that in my life wtf

- Jean having a little romcom moment over Jeremy's hair is so cute shut upppp

- THIS ISNT SLOWBURN THIS IS- *BONK BONK* JEREMY TO HORNY JAIL N O W

- "voulez-vous coucher avec moi" HAHAHAHAHA

- GIMME STRAY DOG AND DOG MOTIFS AHHH BARK BARK WOOF WOOF BARK BARK BARK-

- ah remember what I said about balancing pushing vs not i think mayyybe we chill with the pushing rn <3

- Jean. Baby boy. Personal space, darling. Personal space PLEASE.

Previous Chapters

1-5 6

[jackgoodfellow]

"Grace" here is being used not in the Christian sense, but rather to broadly refer to the incredible power of human kindness, patience, and love. ❤

High-res closeups:

high-res full image (Google Drive link)

Flower language (or at least the flower language I am using):

Forget-me-nots: these little blue flowers are symbols of memory and remembrance, as well as true love, devotion, and, occasionally, senility

Baby's breath: these tiny white flowers symbolize new beginnings, everlasting love, freedom from corruption, happiness, and thankfulness

Dandelions: A cursory google search says these flowers represent "hope, healing, and resilience," which is apt. But I've included them here as a reference to their symbolism in Fionna & Cake. In this illustration, the field of dandelion puffs that Simon wakes up in at the end of the show has become a field of yellow dandelion flowers.

More analysis, if you're into that kind of thing:

1. I'm never going to get over the fact that Simon saved Marceline for no other reason than to save a child who needed his help, and in doing so - in showing up for his adopted daughter not just once but constantly and for YEARS - he basically saved the world. I think it was a brilliant move to use the narrative to further validate his actions in "The Star" episode of Fionna & Cake.

Marceline is the narrative opposite of Dean and Sam Supernatural.

2. Kindness has a way of spreading and coming back to us in ways we could never predict, which is one reason why I'm ALSO never going to get over how Simon saving Marceline eventually led to Marceline convincing Finn and Jake (and BMO and even Bubblegum) to be more empathetic to the Ice King, who becomes way safer and happier once he is not isolated in his madness.

Finn's kindness towards Simon, both before and after being cured, is a huge deal to me. It's a vital part of his character growth, and I like that Fionna had a parallel moment of growth with the Candy Queen.

Like, yes, it is big and important that Betty saved Simon. But what she couldn't do is love him in his madness. She was unable to love him if it didn't also cure him, and this destroyed her.

And so it is beautiful to me that because of Marcy and her friends, Simon was not left to suffer alone in the darkest depths of his senility. And I really love all the ways the show demonstrates how this deeply affected him even if it didn't make him remember who he was.

I believe this kindness shown to Ice King led to him having the confidence to stand up for himself and accidentally save the world AGAIN when Betty tries to kill everyone to "save" Simon in the Elementals finale because GOD FORBID WOMEN DO ANYTHING.

(Betty is our problematic Queen, and I absolutely love how she's written. The CW could NEVER. The MCU would sooner DIE. 90% of all prestige dramas can only DREAM of having such a complex and dynamic female character.)

3. And finally, there is that most recent and possibly most vital instance of grace of all in Simon's story: the kindness, patience, and forgiveness that he finally learns to start showing to himself.

Simon's is a tale of people being kinder than they have to be and the way that changes everything. I am extremely grateful that his story culminates in him learning that kindness and self-sacrifice are NOT the same thing, and that he deserves his own kindness as much as if not more than everyone else.

[stolas-bgw]

Play the Sidequests You Coward

Final Fantasy XVI is a litmus test for the patience gamers have for a story and worldbuilding.

FFXVI has got it's issues, it's combat is a bit over-reliant on the power of the dominant moves and is a little brain dead. It's crafitng system is... clearly forced in? Like the game did not NEED a crafting system and would probably be exactly the same without it. Late game the combat effects begin to obscure the screen and meld together so it gets to be a little difficult to tell what's going on.

That being said, the one and most common critique of FFXVI as being "objectively bad" are the sidequests. A critique I wholly disagree with and, to be honest, am sick and tired of hearing. When I see a reviewer critique the side quests as being boring and tearing away from the experience of the game, all I hear is "I didn't watch the cutscenes."

These quests are not just "collect 3 nuts, get shitty XP, and move on." These quests are world building and story fleshing out events. Some of the best stories are tucked away in these "fetch quests." These stories make the main quest feel MORE EPIC, MORE IMPACTFUL, not less.

As some have pointed out, CBUIII, the team that made FFXIV, clearly took their design for side quests from XIV and put it inot XVI. Except that's not true. They didn't take the structure for it's side quests, they took the structure from their main quests. FFXIV's main quest is filled with "go fetch 3 things," "go talk to X people," "hold my hand and give me a guided tour of X area." And to some people, these quests are "pointless filler." But to the people who are actually invested in FFXIV's story, you know these quests are ESSENTIAL to making the story as emotionally ressonant as it is.

The same is true for the sidequests in FFXVI. These quests feel as though they SHOULD be mandatory, not optional. But because FFXVI is a more mass-appealing game, CBUIII knew that not everyone would have the patience for dealing with these seemingly mundane issues. It was the correct move to make these sidequests. But they are anything but side content.

The sidequests are not boring fetchquests that give shit xp. They are story quests that flesh out the world of Valisthea, the people of the world, and Clive as a character. They show you why Clive fights for the right to live and die as you choose, they give the message of the game texture and depth. The main quests WORKS on it's own, but the side quests really elevate it, if you give them the time of day.

These are incredibly well written, emotionally resonant, and important missions that I am sick and tired for being compared to "shitty MMO quests." This isn't WoW where you help a random guy kill 40 boars and you never see them again. You getting that food to those people MATTER. Those people needed someone like them to reach out to them, or they may have had a much harder time integrating into a new life. Clive needed to see how horrible the world could be through the eyes of a child raised by a corrupt system. CLIVE would give a shit about the people who work for him and help them out when he can. He would want to LEARN about the people who are risking their lives day in and day out to help make their vision become reality.

Can some of the side quests feel boring? Sure. But that's kind of the point. These quests are grounded in reality and tedioum of life. Not nearly as much as in FFXIV, but still enough that it DOES test your patience and appreciation of the story and world. If you don't like that, that's ok it's why it's side content. But these quests ARE NOT MMO fetch quests. They matter and make the story better for existing.

[meowdei]

i think the reason ppl like to write wriothesley as smooth and in control and knowing what hes doing all times is bc its like. easy? im not saying theyre Falling For The Facade(tm) or anything but its just very easy to look at what he outwardly presents and accept that as all there is to it. even if you take the caveat of "well of course he has hidden depths, he even jokes about having trust issues" its one thing to go, well, hes not perfect, and another to actually think about how those imperfections would manifest, if that makes sense?

actually i feel that the... casual? way wrio presents himself with IS part of (gestures widely) his problems with personal connections. if he jokes about his issues and redirects questions about his past he doesnt need to open up, because haha, hasnt he already told you he has problems trusting people?

anyway. the way you explained that Hey Actually, Maybe The Consequences Go Deeper Than Just Surface Level is just 👌 A+ elaboration. but idk as i said its easy to just stay at that surface level and not do anything more than that. (not that ppl need to, i mean. we are all here for fun. if you simply want to write about getting railed theres nothing wrong with that obv. its just that sometimes the hornyposting simply boils down complex characters to Smooth Dom(tm) when itd be way more interesting to dig a little deeper imo)

- 🌻

You know I agree I think a lot of times people just want to write a surface level interaction of a relatively simple moment without too much thought of his inner turmoil/trauma and that’s okay. I think they’re enjoyable reads. I think my disconnect with his more “fanon” interpretation as I’ll call it is that I think the persona he has during his surface level interactions sort of gets confused for how he’d react to anything beyond the surface too. It’s not so much that people interpret his emotional maturity and his trauma responses differently than me, but it almost feels like those things aren’t a factor at all when he’s written in something that’s anything a little more on the emotional side if that makes sense. Like it just feels like they are writing someone who’s entirely separate from the trauma and dark past that he has. TO ME, and I say this very emphasized, TO ME, a lot of times it feels like he’s written as though he never had any trauma to begin with—and I don’t necessarily think all of his trauma has to always be tied with his parents. That’s a large factor, yes, but there’s also the fact that a lot of his basic needs as a child, both physically and mentally, were not met and arguably, still are not really met at all. He still hardly sees the sun. It’s implied the fortress doesn’t smell the greatest and he’s used to that. He craves companionship from perhaps a pet or a small creature of sorts but ultimately decides it’s unethical to have a living creature there with him. Most of his character centers around being failed to be provided by the basics of what nurtures a healthy individual, so it’s only natural that when he’s put in an actual intimate relationship where both people are required to meet each others needs, he will fall short. And that’s okay, ofc—I don’t think he’s a bad partner for it, but I do think that writing him in more vulnerable and emotionally charged scenes if people are, requires a little more instability from him regarding his own understanding of what he’s thinking himself. And I only really complain about the absence of this instability when I am reading a scene that feels like it’s intended to be emotionally charged/vulnerable.

WHICH again, I’m not saying that my interpretation is the law LOLLLL I’m sure a lot of ppl disagree with my portrayals and that’s okay. But I do personally think that a lot of his outward charm and charisma gets confused for him being healed and having a grip on his complicated feelings about intimacy and trust in general. I think that in a deeply close and intimate relationship, a lot of his unresolved feelings would start to show up in a bit of a juvenile manner of handling them and that’s because, again, his ability to actually focus on his feelings and process them was stunted at a very juvenile age where he only could focus on survival as his main concern.

THAT BEING SAID. Everyone is entitled to their own understanding of his character and I think people are very talented when it comes to writing him. But I am also just extremely picky and wish more fics that overlapped with my own interpretation would come my way bc I wanna read them and enjoy them 😔

[f0xgl0v3]

Octavian!

Do I know what I am going to write in this? Vaguely. More headcanons because I want to take a break from that rendering of Octavian because I want to work and make something better than putting effort into something I won’t be proud of or whatever.

Also I just want to keep talking about him but whatever,

Octavian never been outside of Camp Jupiter/New Rome is canon in my mind. There have been very few times he has been outside the little bubble, which were,

The Wolf House: where he really just stayed close to the house (obvi. Course I’d love to talk more about the exacts but since we get no information about the wolf house though it’d be a pretty good way to start SoN and then seamlessly blend us into a timeskip of the Gorgon chase but whatever- we are given no information about the wolf house either and aaaaa-) but the Wolf House Octavian mentality was survive through with his wits and try to survive enough to run out of there as soon as possible when he has the training done.

His quest: we get no information on it, but we know that he had to do a quest to become a Centurion (Can confirm this is a rule, check the Senate scene near the beginning, I believe it was Larry the legionnaire that yelled it) though we also, sadly, get no indication what this question was. But I’d like to introduce the idea that it was a duo quest with Michael and Octavian and they became Centurions together (I’ll probably re-read this and then add more on later) but I’d assume this Question also has them steeped pretty deep into the mythological side of the world and they didn’t get much down time. But what little of the mortal world Octavian saw he thought was pretty cool- though he still thinks New Rome looks better. (Because if anyone walks up to me and says the current era of architecture we’re in is better than anything that predates the freaking 1950’s is lying to me and trying to make me buy a house. We have fallen as a society when we started thinking ultra minimalist boring homes that are devoid of any depth or visual interest was the best route to go for our buildings. But that’s another rant from me for another day-)

Siege of Mt.Tam: they had to travel the smallest bit for this but again, didn’t interact with the mortal world much, they all stayed pretty self contained to the temporary camp and the mountain itself.

The cross country trip to go attack the Greeks: this is the one we’re shown in canon or whatever. But this was probably the most chaotic of the times that Octavian had been out of Camp. It was a lot to deal with, really overwhelming to be stuck with everyone with no where to move or anything. But this would be the most he would really interact with stuff like fast food chains, gas stations, all the stuff. And New York, that was a thing that happened. I believe they briefly passed through New York (we know that at some point they’re inside of New York from the Rachel scene if I remember properly) and that meant Hotels, it was similar enough to the barracks that it was fine. Though I think that the whiplash from New Rome to this made Octavian a lot more hesitant about stuff like these cities. He likes modern culture to some extent (insert another Build-a-bear joke. And if anyone asks, I believe he totally gets them delivered to calcedott tunnel instead of going out to a physical store. He has never had the experience and childlike splendor of making one that that needs to change.)

Anyway yeah. I would also like to say that Octavian is okay on a string instrument. However I would like to say that he put all his eggs into one figurative basket when he was a small child by learning one full song only. A 6 year old Octavian skipped over learning reading notes and whatever and just copying the motions until it sounded okay. He doesn’t really know how to read stuff like notes or whatever but has a pretty okay sense of Rhythm.

Don’t ask him to dance though. Octavian may look a little more elegant moving around or fighting but he is an actual newborn giraffe.

Okay that’s all I have for now. Have a rad time and I’ll get out the next couple passes of the CJ map.

[kori-xo]

MY MIGUEL REDEMPTION CARD PT. 1 😀

(OK LET ME JUST SAY FIRST THAT I AM SO SO SO SO SORRY FOR NOT WRITING THIS SOONER- I swear I didn’t forget, I’m just kinda sick rn and going through a writer’s crisis, but ANYWAYS-) 

=

Onto the topic of giving Miguel O’Hara a more in-depth reading and explanation for his actions, let me make one thing briefly clear. I am NOT excusing his actions, especially the ones of aggression towards Miles, as many think. I’m just simply stating some of the reasons as to why he did what he did, and to try and get others to see him as the “good guy who makes the wrong choices” kinda trope his character portrays.  

So, to begin, let’s start with his behavior towards Miles. 

Miguel has stated that Miles Morales is, in fact, the “original anomaly,” which is in a way true. Not the statement that he was a mistake, as it’s never okay to tell a child that, but I’m talking about the fact that Miles really wasn’t supposed to be Spider-Man, bc Miles from Earth-42 was supposed to have that role. 

I don’t think he necessarily meant it in a mean manner, bc let’s face it, the man has SEVERE anger issues

ALSO in regards to the fact that Miguel was not initially too aggressive with Miles. Imo, he could’ve just locked Miles up first, handed out info later, and let his dad die without saying or telling him anything about it until after it happened. But he did try to explain everything beforehand, the multiverse, the canon, the consequences of breaking canon, etc. 

I like to think that Miguel is rather caring towards children/younger people, because after all, he did sort of have a child, that’s why he took Gwen in and let her into the Spider Society. 

The only thing is, he’s also plagued with this burden of the multiverse and feeling like he’s the only person strong enough to carry the task of protecting it, and that the guilt of what happened to his daughter’s and dead variant’s dimension eats away at him so much that he feel like he has to do whatever it takes to ensure that safety. 

“I don’t always like what I have to do. But I know I have to be the one to do it.”

This quote also has such a heavy weight to it bc of everything this man has experienced, he’s traumatized fr 

HE STILL HAS A CONSCIENCE 

But again, that continuous mentality to do everything and anything needed for the multiverse kinda clouds that good judgement and led him to acting rashly, not to mention that the Spot can literally dimension hop at will and potentially destroy everything he so hopes to preserve? It’s giving STRESS-

He also projects a lot of his own stuff onto others ngl

“Being Spider-Man is a sacrifice. That’s the job. That’s what you signed up for.”

So like, pay attention to that very first sentence, okay? That being a spider-person is a sacrifice. 

In this statement, Miguel is projecting his own mentality. Remember, Miguel was lonely and unhappy at first. Then he found the dimension where he had Gabriella, and felt like he would sacrifice anything to get that life. And to finally get that life, only for it to fall to pieces, gave him the idea that as Spider-Man, he had to sacrifice his own life and happiness, things he wanted, people he wanted and loved, all of that had to be sacrificed, else worlds crumble, the multiverse collapses, and everyone’s wiped out of existence. 

Therefore, he projects that onto everyone else, that those type of sacrifices have to be made, that they have to live to lose people and be unhappy, because that’s who they’re meant to be, that’s how their life is supposed to go. 

IN CONCLUSION- 

Miguel isn’t a bad guy. He’s been through things, he’s suffered, he needs a hug for crying out loud, it’s just the way he went abt doing things that I think makes a lot of people hate his character 

It’s a lot to unpack, but I just hope they give him a good redemption arc in BTSV 🫶🏽🫶🏽

THAT CONCLUDES MY 12am DEBATE THOOO 

(If any part of this you didn’t understand or need me to elaborate more on, pls lmk, and I’ll do my best 🥰)

@dramatic-delirium

[ratpalaceusa]

Van Down By the River

It’s not down by the river, it’s in South LA. And technically it isn’t a van, it’s actually an SUV. An old one. One my partner was able to procure from Facebook Marketplace for $1,300 even though it could probably retail for a lot more except that it’s bad on gas (like all behemoths of its generation) and it has some electrical issues (also like all behemoths of its generation). But it’s the kind of vehicle that lets you stretch your legs out completely in the back. It’s almost bigger than some spaces I’ve lived in in the past: dens and back porches on punk houses, little storage areas, black boxes in the arts district of downtown Los Angeles. There’s no real “how did I get here” kind of moment because I’ve been here before. In a lot of ways I feel like I was built for things like this. It’s a default setting. Though usually it’s not an old luxury SUV built in my sophomore year of high school twenty-plus years ago, it’s a bicycle with a trailer attached, a hiking backpack with a camera and a computer tucked neatly in the middle far away from watchful eyes, it’s a Greyhound but or a youth hostel. I don’t come from money, or much of anything really, like many of the comfortable vagabonds you’ll meet out in the wild, “cosplaying poverty” as an old fiend once put it, I am actually poor. And I have been on and off the majority of my life. I grew up on Chicago in the 80s and 90s and early 2000s, my parents were old radicals, beatniks, the pre-or-proto hippies of their generation, my late mother was the same age I am now when she had me and my father was a year and a half younger. My mother was 4th generation South Side Irish, and my dad was the child of immigrants from Yugoslavia and Germany. They were star-crossed adversaries who locked lustful eyes from across the room at an AA meeting; stale coffee and cigarettes in hand, she was 8 years sober, and he was 2 years sober, she never drank again, and he drank until he was around 70. She decided to go back to school when I was 3, and didn’t graduate until I was 19. She opted to live the life of a professional student and never had a solid job, dying having accomplished a good bit in the world of academia, burned bridges and owed money to everyone in her personal life. She died penniless on government assistance, convinced her smoke-caked, dingy apartment was a secret goldmine of hoarded antique furniture that cost her now-late sister even more money to get hauled out. My father lives in public housing, back in Chicago was out of my life on-and-off from 7 on, and fully from the time I was 16-25. We have a distant friendship these days, I’ll hear from him a couple times a year, we will send each other art we working on, but there is little-to-no emotional depth to our relationship. He didn’t want to be there in the first place, my mother, his tormentor and reluctant partner, was a woman he met in an AA meeting in 1985 and got pregnant and together they hobbled together a little life as best they could for as long as they could stand. We moves 14 times before I was 9, and I am trying not to repeat the same pattern. That said, I’m currently living in a proverbial van, down by the proverbial river.

Rat Palace, the name of this blog here, I chose to begin on tumblr as a nod to my elder millennial self who never started one back in college, back when they were in their heyday.

Rat Palace is my fashion line, it’s currently sold at one store and about to be sold in a second. It is the name of my pop-up when I vend my art places, it is the name of the Burning Man camp my partner and I are perpetually starting. It started as my own pop-up, immersive art installation that I used to travel with several years ago, a project that explored intimacy and vulnerability between strangers and in an anonymous way, guided by my paintings of these psychedelic rats that represented different human concepts and psychoemotional spaces withing the human experience. My style is somewhere between pop-art surrealism and graphic novel style illustration. I take that style with me wherever I go, whatever my medium, and whatever my subject. It is a style I have refined my entire life, and the concepts I keep in my art and in my fashion line are also lifelong common-threads about resilience and the strength of the underdog and resistance against the establishment.

And that is why I use rats as representatives throughout and in most of my artwork, they represent the perpetual underdog, constantly facing extermination, seen as vermin and undesirable, and yet they are persistent, smarter and kinder and more clever than any of us. They represent the people, places and things that we overlook because society has decided that they are other, unworthy, and yet if you ever met a rat, you’d fall in love. We currently have two rats. Alaska and Rocky Balboa, and they are going to embark on this journey along with us in a few weeks; their doofy little faces watching our travels from the back of the van.

This is not a travel blog. And it’s not just a journal. It is both of those things and it is also a social critique, a take on the world and all of the passengers living in it, written currently, at this moment, on stolen WiFi in the McDonald’s parking lot at the strip mall on Slauson. Aka, my home office.

So goodbye for now, rats, love and revolution.

[talenlee]

Story Pile: Dungeons & Dragons: HonoUr Among Thieves

You may not know about this movie. In the existing fandom of Dungeons & Dragons, the notion of a D&D Movie tends to bring with it a reference to the 2000 movie notable for including Jeremy Irons hamming it up and being unable to save an extremely mediocre production. This was so bad that most people don’t know it has a sequel.

This isn’t that sequel, mind you.

See, that sequel, Wrath of the Dragon God was a truly forgettable 2005-flavoured blip in on the ongoing quest for media legitimacy the brand Wizards of the Coast was investing in sought. It was made with a budget of 12 million dollars, which isn’t blockbuster numbers, and it never went to theatersa – it was a Sci-Fi tv release. It was not a successful film, and that makes it funnier that it had a sequel.

This isn’t that sequel, mind you.

No, that sequel was Dungeons & Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness, and that movie was a 12 million dollar Syfy original and yes that means we’ve jumped forward in time again, and this one dropped in 2012. At this point, there have been three different presentations of D&D movies, and the best you can say about any of them is that they didn’t tarnish the idea of making another one. Not even The Book of Vile Darkness because when that film wrapped, a new project began, in 2013, to start work on the movie that would, eight years later, become this movie.

Spoiler Warning: I’m gunna talk about what happens in this movie, though not in particular depth. This isn’t one of those times I need to step you through all the icky details of a scene. Just broad strokes and themes that hold characters together.

The story of Honor Among Thieves is a story made out of stock parts but not obvious ones. We have a dashing rogue and his goonish barbarian buddy, who start the story escaping a terrible prison in what is probably some specific place in the Forgotten Realms, after a botched heist. They break out, then find their old compatriot, the one who didn’t get caught, is in fact, in a position of wealth and authority and has the winnings from the heist and also Our Main Character’s daughter, who he has raised as his own and who it seems is a bit cold to her biological father.

From there, they have to recruit a party to steal all those things (which includes one child) back, and that is a sequence of events where they find a need in the group, then go to find someone who meets that need, then meet the need of that person in order to recruit them, which is a neat little chain of characterisation through adversity. From there, with the group assembled, you have the quest itself, and how it gets complicated, and how our protagonist has to make the choice between what he thinks he wants and what he really wants, and you know, all that stuff.

It’s a movie. It has a beginning and establishes characters and those characters develop and there’s dialogue that explains things and scenes do two things at once, and for the most part, characters show up that have a job to do in the scene they’re in and things are shown in the movie that are there to do things and have an impact. It is, on the most basic level, a competent movie about characters doing something and developing, and it’s set in a magical world of larger-than-life adventurers struggling against very old, powerful junk left around the world by even more powerful larger-than-life adventurers.

I feel like I need to preemptively warn you that I’m going to talk positively about this movie. When you consider the long history that games have of bad adaptations I think there’s a preemptive defensiveness from the entrenched fans of that media. Now, I can’t say that I am truly a fan of Dungeons & Dragons. I’m a fan of three editions of it, and a few things published in its space, but Dungeons & Dragons is a vast brand and its default footing these days is one that makes me roll my eyes and figure I’ll find my way around to playing something else, don’t mind me. Nonetheless, if all you’re looking for is someone to get mad at ‘the D&D movie’ for being bad, sorry, I just don’t have it in me to feign that kind of irritation. Instead we have the much stranger fact that a Dungeons & Dragons movie got made, but no, not quite, that the fourth Dungeons & Dragons movie got made, and it is both very much a Dungeons & Dragons movie, and a pretty good movie as well!

Where there’s interest in teasing out the ‘flaws’ in it, the ideas from it that build on the game systems, none of that strikes me as particularly worth doing. The game system is designed to give everyone fair access to actions, and shows characters valuing some things differently to what I think a seasoned player of the game I’m familiar with would. Things like cast times, or uses-per-day of an ability or the segue from form to form of a druid, or the development of a single character introduced to the group later for some reason, or the appropriateness of a particular heritage option for a particular choice of class and …

Huh.

A lot of these complaints are just about Doric.

Weird.

Anyway, this can lead to a kind of criticism that this movie, made to present a specific story controlled in a specific way, would not in fact, exist in an entirely purist representation of the game narratives in the game rules presented in a rulebook which I think is pretty stupid. Yes, Dungeons & Dragons could tell this story, and where the rules system wouldn’t allow the direct mapping to the events in the movie, then chances are good, there’s a change being made because a movie is not a tabletop game.

It’s hard to talk about Honour Among Thieves like it’s just a movie that exists. On the one hand, there’s this lengthy history of failed Dungeons & Dragons movies in its history, but those sort of serve to remind that actually, Dungeons & Dragons is just another brand run and maintained by the immense system of systems that is Hasbro corporate trying to Maximise The Brand, a thing they’ve tried with Magic: The Gathering to the extent that there’s multiple non-card game Magic: The Gathering videogames. On the one hand, wow, it’s impressive someone made this charming, fun movie about a collection of interesting characters with different motivations, on the other hand, of course a multi-billion dollar corporation Maximising Brand Identity like Hasbro could do that, and the only question was how many dice they were going to roll before they stopped bothering.

On the other hand, while I said this movie started production in 2013, it didn’t start being filmed in 2013. It started being filmed, and was almost entirely filmed, in 2021, in Northern Ireland and if you’re having a moment of going ‘hang on a second’ then yes, 2021 is the earliest part of the COVID vaccine rollout. This was a movie made while the movie industry was restarting, and that can make some of the strange group scenes, the distance and the focus on character framing a little more interesting.

There’s an actual narrative to unpack, a question of ‘what can you take from this movie for your game?’ and the most important thing I can point to is that anything in the Forgotten Realms is so generic as to be meaningless so you should just steal it if you like it and not waste your time hanging around in that world.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[theromanticrationalist]

Well, I finished The Big Bang Theory. That was a wild ride! I know this show ran for a long time, but when you binge watch it for several weeks it goes by SO fast, omg. Season 12 felt rather rushed to me, like they had to hurry and get the characters to their end points. I also do not feel like their stories are really finished, but just getting started! AKA if they wanted to make a Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler show, that would be fine be me! I want to see them continue on with their science projects, getting pregnant, having babies, raising children - I WANT IT ALL. GIVE IT TO ME. *ahem*

Some criticism, the emotions at the end didn’t feel necessarily earned. I mean it was beautiful how Sheldon Cooper said he loved his friends and honored them as part of his journey to the Nobel Prize. Only, I am remembering in Young Sheldon, how Sheldon thanked Missy Cooper in his High School President speech, and I was like a MESS. I wanted to just outright bawl my eyes out! There was so much earned emotion there between Sheldon and Missy. Also, Sheldon thanked Missy from his own heart, and wasn’t bullied by his friends and loved ones.

So, I get that this is a sitcom, so it just comes with the territory, but everyone was so angry and upset at Sheldon, when in reality they literally never fully communicated any of their problems WITH Sheldon. They always just enabled him or submitted to him in resentment, when a good direct face to face chat was all they needed to do. Amy does it all the time, when the writers decide to make her smart. I don’t like how utterly clueless everyone acts about Sheldon. He’s like literally autistic, full stop. It is obvious as day. It is so clear that things just have to be explained to him and have it be processed by him in a certain way. Of course he always loved his friends, though! That was so freak’in obvious, these guys are dopes to not see it! Sheldon’s love goes so deep.

Obviously, I am not excusing his selfishness or self-centeredness, which anyone can be these things no matter your cognitive ability, but that isn’t the problem for me about this show. It is the fact that everyone acts like Sheldon is the sole source of the problem, walking on eggshells around him, acting as if he is the vulnerable one everyone needs to protect, when they could have just treated him as an adult to begin with! It is the same mistake Mary Cooper made in raising Sheldon, wanting to protect him vs allowing him to discover the world and learn, like George often argued for (Dad Cooper was right, yo!). Yes, this boy is a sensitive, precious little baby cakes who is rather naive and gullible, but also - he’s a grown ass man. Just because his behaviors are primarily associated with children doesn’t make him an actual child. (At least Mary Cooper had that excuse, she was raising the little green bean!) He absolutely isn’t, though. And as the show proved, Sheldon CAN accept change, be humbled, and express love through physical and emotional means. Guess what guys, HE COULD HAVE DONE THAT THE WHOLE FREAK’IN TIME. No one had to slap him or yell at him or hurt him, they could have just TOLD HIM. You know, like rational adults? So who are the children in this situation, hmm?

Anyway, it is just something I am frustrated with about the whole show, especially since it effected him and Amy and how they communicated. The writing was rather frustrating in many ways. That is why I prefer Young Sheldon as a show and how they handle Sheldon’s character in it, which is with so much more nuance, depth, and maturity.

But again, this is a sitcom. So, whatta ya gonna do? It was an absolute delight, though, and I am going to HYPERFIXATE THE HELL out of Shamy!!

King and Queen of the Universe! Their brains are so much better than everyone’s!! 😍😍😍

[dinethfernando-mga2023mi6021]

Final Major Project

Dreamscape. Why I think this concept holds more depth and meaning than my other concepts.

1. What is/are the central theme/s of the narrative?

A child's creative imagination and how adults fail to see it

The protagonist in my narrative has a huge creative imagination. With everything happening around in a war zone (bomb attacks, gunshots) the boy is able build his own imaginative world in order to escape from the brutality of the world.

Futility/Uselessness of war

War is a topic that has been on discussions ever since the beginning of man's existence. The first war in recorded history took place in Mesopotamia in c. 2700 BCE. From that day until today, war is something that has been inevitable and each war never fails to bring destruction to the mankind in many levels.

The Voicelessness in War

The protagonist chooses not to speak to the outer world and pretends to be mute and deaf, deceiving those around him. Why is that? Is it because no matter how loud an innocent voice is no official would hear him. Or is it because one wrong word can make a bullet run through one's head in the time of war.

Imagination vs reality

Imagination and reality is a central theme spoken in the narrative. After watching the film, the viewer will question what was real and what was imagination.

Was the dream in the beginning real?

Is the boy truly mute and deaf or is it just him pretending?

Is the robot friend who flies around real or is the imagination of the boy?

Does the boy really have superpowers?

Rebellion and Resistance

Communication and Expression

2. What feelings do I want the audience to feel?

It won't be just 1 feeling. I want every person to feel something different. I want the audience to feel sympathy for the boy in the beginning and fear for the soldiers who break in. The fear and the vulnerability felt in the beginning must not be felt towards the end but in fact power, resilience should be felt by the end. But again feelings are quite subjective and can change from person to person. This is just my idea on it for now.

3. Are there any elements apart from the character, the themes and the narrative that hold meaning?\

I am hoping to use visual symbolism as a weapon when conveying my story. I am new to green screen and I am very well aware of my limitations when it comes to shooting with a green screen. In case my greenscreen footage fails to convey something, an emotion, a line I will have to make sure that the background props, assets, the environments, minor details, sometimes even the tiny scratches convey the story despite the acting.

4. How are you planning to blend the real-life actors with a fully CG environment?

Giving the actors "not so natural", surreal or sometimes exaggerated elements through props or costumes can sometimes be effective when blending real life with CG environments. For instance, when I did the short film "The Journey" last year I made sure the character is an agent who wore all black and had a face cover as well. So this effort really made sense when the character was put into a 3D crafted world.

Imagine I were standing there in a simple shirt and my usual pair of jeans. It wouldn’t make sense, even though I would be perfectly composited into the scene. The audience would still notice the difference between the character and the environment.

[snowbellewells]

@whimsicallyenchantedrose When I first read this addition yesterday, it had me all teared up and emotional and I didn’t get around to leaving my review. This time I’m going to keep it together, but my heart still just aches for both of them. Each has come to love the other one, but they are both honorable and devoted enough to deny themselves that because it would be wrong in of Emma’s marriage. Even the pride and happiness Killian should be able to feel at finally finishing his book is dulled by the love he feels but can’t do anything about. Passages like this one made that all the more beautiful and keenly felt: “…When he’d come in view of the house he saw her.

She stood on the balcony off of her bedroom, dressed in a long, demure dressing gown, her glorious golden hair blowing freely in the breeze, wrapping around her like a cloak, before being once more blown aside. She had evidently taken advantage of a free morning to wash her hair and let the salty sea breeze dry it.

She was the most beautiful vision he’d ever seen, and it was at that moment that he’d known , simply known that he loved her and there would never be another woman for him.

It was exhilarating….but it was also the most tragic thing that could have happened. She was married. She could never be his.”

It struck me (and maybe this is even why you chose Mr. DuLac to be his boss?) as Killian was confessing his feelings to Mary Margaret, that he and Emma’s plight is like that of Lancelot and Guinevere. It can never be, and so he plans to leave for both their sakes, to remove the temptation and ease the pain. I liked too that MM promises to keep his secret, but tries to give him hope as well - very much a “Snow” thing to do! 😉🩷

And then you gave us Emma’s side of things - as Killian brought his bags downstairs on the morning he planned to leave, and I really did think my heart was twisting in my chest. 😭💔 “Emma’s heart broke at the sight, though she’d been trying to prepare herself for this moment since he’d told her of his plans at the beginning of the week. He was leaving, and she knew she would never again be the same.

She’d fallen in love with him.

For weeks–months even–she’d tried to deny the fact, even to herself. She was married after all. Nothing could come of feelings for her boarder.

But in the depths of her heart where the truth could not be denied she knew, she’d always known. She loved him.

A new pain, sharper, and yet sweeter than any she’d ever known had entered her life at the realization. Yes, her life to this point had been difficult. She’d married a man she didn’t love, didn’t even respect. He’d returned to her after an accident as little more than a child in mentality, someone she’d need to care for for the rest of his natural life. All of it was hard.

But it was bearable as long as she hadn’t known what real love was. Now…now she didn’t know how she’d survive the endless empty years that loomed before her.”

Anyway, you get the idea… But somewhere amidst all that angst, I did love how Killian came to stand just behind her and thanked her for her help and care that summer, and how you worked in the “not a day will go by” and the “good” response I to this. I don’t yet know quite how it will happen, but it gives some sort of hope that things might yet work out and it won’t really be the end.

I really felt for poor David in he and MM’s section of this too. Obviously as a doctor he feels a responsibility to share what would lead for the best outcome for someone’s health, but he doesn’t want to make things any worse for Emma either. It was a quandary he was clearly wrestling with intensely. And you see both his character, and then Emma’s as well, when they both do what would be best for Neal - even if it might make things more difficult for them.

And the end of the chapter?!? Well, let’s just say I am headed on to chapter six RIGHT NOW!!

At the Dawn There is Rejoicing--a birthday gift for @kmomof4 (Chapter 5)

Summary:  Birthday gift for Krystal, @kmomof4. Based on the story of Leslie Moore and Owen Ford in the book Anne’s House of Dreams–the 5th book in the Anne of Green Gables series.  Emma Gold has led a difficult life.  Her brother and her father died when she was a child, and she was then coerced into marrying the odious Neal Gold.  She thought she’d been granted a reprieve when he was believed to be lost at sea–only for him to return disabled and in need of a caregiver.  Killian is a newspaper reporter who is tired of his routine life.  When he falls ill, his editor forces him to take a sabbatical.  What will happen when Emma takes Killian in as a border for the summer?

Word Count: 3266

Other Chapters: (Prologue) (1) (2) (3) (4) (6)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 5

Killian knocked on the Nolans’ front door and waited patiently for a response.  Just that morning, after three months of work, he’d put the finishing touches on his novel.  It was good.  He knew it was good.  This work would bring him acclaim, maybe even fortune.

But for all that, it was the time here that he’d found most precious.  The lovely afternoons spent by the sea, his trusty notebook in hand.  The days spent collaborating with Captain Nemo, hearing his harrowing tales–all of which he swore up and down were the Bible truth–discussing ideas, hearing his thoughts on his manuscript and the world in general.  It had all been more exhilarating than anything he’d ever experienced.

Except, that is, falling in love.  That had been exhilarating on an entirely new level beyond anything he could have imagined.  For he could deny it no longer.  He had fallen deeply, passionately, irrevocably in love with Emma.

As he waited for the door to be answered, he thought about the moment he’d known he loved her.

It had been several weeks past. He’d had plans to go to the shore and write until his hand cramped and the words would no longer come.  Accordingly, he’d bid Emma goodbye for the day and headed out.

An hour later, however, he discovered his pen had run out of ink, and he went back to the boarding house to grab another.  When he’d come in view of the house he saw her.

She stood on the balcony off of her bedroom, dressed in a long, demure dressing gown, her glorious golden hair blowing freely in the breeze, wrapping around her like a cloak, before being once more blown aside.  She had evidently taken advantage of a free morning to wash her hair and let the salty sea breeze dry it.

She was the most beautiful vision he’d ever seen, and it was at that moment that he’d known, simply known that he loved her and there would never be another woman for him.

It was exhilarating….but it was also the most tragic thing that could have happened.  She was married.   She could never be his.

This morning, having finished the first draft of his novel, he knew his time on the island was coming to a close.  Mr. DuLac had begun asking about his plans to return, and with the book finished, he knew he could put it off no longer.  

And that’s what brought him to David and Mary Margaret’s home this afternoon.  He knew his love was hopeless, and he had no intention of declaring it to Emma, but he had to tell someone.  He had to unburden himself, and there was no one who was a better listener or more sympathetic than Mary Margaret.  Though she was a few years his junior, there was something almost motherly about her.

The woman herself opened the door a moment later, and looked up at him in surprise.

“Killian, this is a surprise!” she said.  “Come in!  Would you like some tea?”

“Don’t trouble yourself, Mary Margaret,” he said quickly, “in your condition you don’t need to be waiting on me.”

She looked down at her protruding belly and chuckled.  “I can’t believe I still have two months to go.  I feel rather like a beached whale already.”

“You look lovely,” he said gallantly.  “But I’m sure you need your rest.”

“Indeed she does!” came the businesslike voice of Johanna from the kitchen doorway.  The Nolans had hired Johanna a month before as a kind of nurse and housekeeper.  Mary Margaret had balked a bit at bringing a stranger into their home, but Johanna had quickly become family, and she’d be indispensable once Mary Margaret entered her confinement.  “Don’t you fret, Mrs. Doctor, dear.  Johanna’s at the helm.  I’ll put the kettle on.  You simply enjoy your visit.”

Mary Margaret laughed. “I feel as though I’ve been dismissed.  Something tells me if I attempted to enter my own kitchen, I’d be summarily tossed out.”

Killian smiled.  “I wouldn’t test her.”

Mary Margaret led him to the sitting room and indicated an easy chair, which he accepted gladly as she took her own seat on the sofa.  “To what do I owe the pleasure?  Is everything alright?  Killian, you’re not looking well.  You’re not suffering a relapse are you?”

“Oh nothing like that,” he was quick to assure.  “I finished my novel this morning, and I plan to return to Montreal at the end of the week.”

“That soon?” Mary Margaret said, “we’ll all miss you terribly!  You’ve been such a splendid addition to our group!  You must come back again soon!”

He was quiet for a long moment, before speaking again.  “I’ll never return to the island.”

And then it all came spilling out, the whole beautiful, tragic tale of his love for Emma, of his need for her, of his knowledge that she was the only woman in the world for him.

“Oh, Killian, you didn’t say anything to her did you?” she asked tragically when his tale was finished.  “You know nothing can come of it!”

“Of course I didn’t!” Killian said vehemently.  “What kind of a monster do you take me for?  I know my feelings are hopeless, and the last thing in the world I would ever want to do is burden her further with them!”

Mary Margaret breathed a sigh of relief before adding.  “Does she feel the same about you?”

Yes, she does.  I know she does.  I’ve seen it in her eyes, felt it in the gentle way she’s cared for me while I recuperated.

“No,” he said aloud, “of course not.  She can’t.”

Mary Margaret smiled sadly, and he could see that his protestations didn’t convince her.

“I don’t expect anything from you or from her,” Killian said.  “I just…I had to tell someone.  Never fear, I will leave and never return, but for one moment, I…just needed to unburden myself.  I can count on your discretion can’t I?”

“Of course”, she answered, “I promise to not tell a soul–not even David.  But Killian, don’t give up hope!  If there’s anything I’ve learned through my life, it’s that there’s always hope, even when things look the bleakest.”

He smiled sadly.  “I’d like to believe that, but just now, hope seems like nothing but an unattainable dream.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

On Friday morning, when Killian came into the kitchen he was carrying his suitcases.

Emma’s heart broke at the sight, though she’d been trying to prepare herself for this moment since he’d told her of his plans at the beginning of the week.  He was leaving, and she knew she would never again be the same.

She’d fallen in love with him.  

For weeks–months even–she’d tried to deny the fact, even to herself.  She was married after all.  Nothing could come of feelings for her boarder.

But in the depths of her heart where the truth could not be denied she knew, she’d always known.  She loved him.

A new pain, sharper, and yet sweeter than any she’d ever known had entered her life at the realization.  Yes, her life to this point had been difficult.  She’d married a man she didn’t love, didn’t even respect.  He’d returned to her after an accident as little more than a child in mentality, someone she’d need to care for for the rest of his natural life.  All of it was hard.

But it was bearable as long as she hadn’t known what real love was.  Now…now she didn’t know how she’d survive the endless empty years that loomed before her.

“All packed up?” she said with a falsely bright, cheerful smile–one she knew didn’t fool anyone, least of all him, who seemed capable of reading her very thoughts.

“Aye,” he’d answered with a sad smile.  “Once breakfast is over, I’ll head to the station.”

“Neal can help you with your bags,” she said, turning toward the stove, giving the eggs one last, unnecessary stir while she willed the tears from welling up.  There would be time to give vent to her grief once he was gone.  She wouldn’t make a fool of herself with it while he was still here.

He came up behind her, his nearness distracting, somehow the greatest pleasure mixed with nearly unbearable pain.  He put a warm, comforting hand on her shoulder and turned her toward him.  “I appreciate it,” he said simply.

“It’s no trouble,” Emma tried to say casually.  “Neal likes to be helpful, and I know he likes you.  He’ll enjoy helping you take your luggage to the station.”

“I didn’t merely mean about offering Neal’s services, love,” he said softly.  “I appreciate everything you’ve done, everything you’ve been to me over the past four months of my stay.  You’ve been a true godsend.”

She tried to shrug off the thanks. “I didn’t do so much.”

“But you did,” he continued.  “In those early days when I still barely had the strength to climb a flight of stairs, you cared for me, bringing me everything I needed, inquiring about my health.  You made me feel welcome, a part of the family.  You brought me into a circle of friends who have become dearer to me than anyone I’ve ever known.  I can never repay you for all of it.”

“It…it was my pleasure,” she said, her voice breaking.  “But enough talk.  My breakfast is getting cold.”

During the meal both of them stuck determinedly to light topics–there was no word about feelings, departures, the future.

But eventually, every bite was eaten, every sip of tea drunk, and the inevitable could not be put off any longer.

After setting his empty plate in the sink, Killian turned to Emma, his eyes sad.  “Thank you again. For everything.”

“Think nothing of it.”

For long moments they merely looked at each other, their eyes speaking words neither was free to say.

“Emma,” he said finally, his voice gravelly and tragic, “there’s not a day that will go by that I won’t think of you.”

She swallowed hard several times as the tears welled up, one finally spilling over when she could no longer contain it.  “Good,” she said simply.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Mary Margaret Nolan sat in her favorite, high backed chair before the fire.  It was only early September, but the nights were already becoming cool, and she was grateful David had built up the fire tonight.  

The baby kicked, and Mary Margaret smiled, massaging her distended belly where the little one seemed determined to make his presence known.  She couldn’t be sure, of course, but she was convinced their baby was a boy.  Mother’s intuition, she supposed.

She was so confident, in fact, that the pair of tiny booties she was attempting to knit were a light, sky blue.  Attempting being the operative word.  Though no novice at the art of knitting, Mary Margaret had made more than one mistake this evening and had to rip out several rows of work.

Mary Margaret frowned, setting her knitting aside and gazing thoughtfully into the fire.  What a mess it all was!  First Killian confiding his feelings for Emma and then Emma doing the same not a week later.

She’d gone down to the shore one evening when David was again out on calls.  He didn’t like her venturing so far on foot by herself in her current condition, but she figured what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.  She was sure Johanna would keep her secret.

What she’d found at the shoreline wasn’t the peace and tranquility she was accustomed to.  Instead, she’d found Emma rather frantically pacing back and forth.

“Whatever is the matter, Emma?” she’d asked in concern after reaching the other woman.

“Mary Margaret, I am such a fool, such an idiotic fool!  How could I let this happen?”

And then the whole tale had come out.  Despite her best efforts, she’d fallen in love with Killian Jones, and now he was gone, and she felt utterly bereft.

“And the worst part?” Emma had said. “The worst part is that I’m sure it would have been even worse if he’d stayed.  How could I endure that torture–being so close to the man I love knowing nothing could ever come of it?  That is, of course, assuming he even felt the same, which I’m not vain enough to believe to be the case.”

Mary Margaret had said little, aside from whatever paltry words of comfort she could find.  She knew, of course, that Emma’s feelings were more than reciprocated, but she’d made Killian a promise, and she intended to keep it.

She rather thought she’d keep the information to herself even if he hadn’t exacted the promise from her.  The knowledge would do nothing but bring Emma further pain.

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?” Emma asked. “Not even David?  I couldn’t bear to think of anyone else knowing what a terrible person–what a terrible wife I am.”

“You are NOT a terrible person, and you are the last person anyone would consider a terrible wife,” Mary Margaret said firmly.  “You’ve done more for that miserable man in the last twelve years than anyone could have asked of you.  Still, I promise.  I won’t tell a soul.”

Mary Margaret was not known for her ability to keep a secret, but she felt sure she would have no difficulty keeping either of the promises she’d made.  It was all so horrible.  A month and a half after Killian had left, and Emma was clearly suffering as much as the day he’d gone.  It seemed the saying was true.  Absence really did make the heart grow fonder.

“Mary Margaret,” David said slowly from the chair beside her.  

She heard the hesitation and uncertainty in his voice, and looked at him in concern.  He had been unusually quiet all evening, and she’d wondered if something were the matter, but when he’d said nothing, she assumed he’d lost a patient or some other aspect of his work troubled him.

“Yes?” she responded finally.

“I….I” he stammered before clearing his throat and turning to look at her directly.  “I find myself in something of a quandary.  I know what I should do, but the last thing in the world I want is to do it.”

Well this didn’t sound good.  A sudden foreboding came over her.  Somehow she knew she was not going to like what he had to say.  Still, she laid a comforting hand over his and interlaced their fingers.  “If it would help, I’m happy to be a listening ear.”

“You know this afternoon I was over at the Golds. to lance a boil Neal had on his neck.”  After her nod he continued.  “I decided to take the opportunity to examine his head–specifically the area where he was injured that night so many years ago.”

He stopped again, and she squeezed his hand, urging him to continue.

“Mary Margaret, I think there may be a way to surgically fix what’s wrong.  I think it might be possible to restore him to his right senses.”

Mary Margaret pulled in a quick, agonized breath.  “David you can’t!  You know what that would do to Emma!  Neal as, basically a child is difficult enough for her, but to return the horrible man she married?  David it would be torture!”

“I know, Snow!” It was a nickname he’d given her years ago, one he only used in moments of great emotion.  “It’s killing me to even think it!  The last thing in the world I would ever want to do is harm Emma, but now that I’ve seen it, how can I not tell her?”

“You can’t David!” Mary Margaret said again, hearing the near hysteria in her voice.  “Could you even do the surgery?  You’ve never done anything neurological before!”

“No,” David said quickly, “it would be beyond my skill, but there are doctors in the city who would be more than capable.  There’s no guarantee anything would come of it, but there is a chance.”

“There you go!”  Mary Margaret said, getting to her feet and beginning to pace.  “It’s not a certainty!  You know Emma doesn’t have the kind of money to spend on the trip and what is sure to be an expensive surgery!  Please, David, you can’t tell her!”

David was quiet for a long time, and then hung his head, hands holding the back of his chair, and leaning into it as though it were the only thing holding him up.  “I’ve told myself the same things you are saying over and over again, Snow, but I can’t get away from it.  As a doctor, my first duty is toward my patients.  Emma may choose to act on my information or to not act on it, but I have to at least tell her.  I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Emma took the news as stoically as she was able, hearing Dr. Nolan out, refusing to let her face betray the utter dread she felt at even the possibility of having Neal restored to his senses.  David had been wonderfully gentle and understanding, offering her an out.  Assuring her he would think no less of her if she chose to forego the surgery.  It was, he said, a long shot and would be quite expensive.

She’d said very little to him, bidding him goodbye as soon as he’d finished speaking, but that didn’t stop her tortured thoughts.  All night she’d tossed and turned, able to think of nothing but the choice in front of her.

One minute she’d resolved to dismiss Dr. Nolan’s suggestion, and then the next the guilt convinced her she had to at least try to restore Neal.  Back and forth it went all night.

But when dawn came, she’d come to a decision.  She had to do the right thing.  She had to take Neal for the surgery.

Accordingly, at the end of the week, she took Neal to the city and allowed the surgeons to do their work.

After the procedure was over, the doctor had come to her, assuring her that all had gone well. They’d need to wait for him to wake, though, to determine if it had been a success.

Several hours later, Emma was sitting at Neal’s bedside when he awoke.  “Neal?” she said tentatively.  “Do you know me, Neal?”

For a moment he simply looked at her.  He looked confused, but his eyes no longer held the vacant look she’d seen in them for the past twelve years.

Then he spoke. 

“Emma?  Is that you?  Why are you calling me Neal?”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Notes:

–Let the yelling commence that I ended it there and am leaving you hanging, lol!  What exactly did that last line mean?  You’ll have to stay tuned to find out!  (But, if you’re dying to know what just happened, never fear.  Krystal has given me the puppy dog eyes when I told her I had a cliff-hanger in store for her, and as a result, I have succumbed to her pleading to post the next chapter on Sunday.

–Given the fact that I now have the first draft of the entire fic finished, I plan to actually post 3 times next week: Sunday, Tuesday and Friday.

–Up next:  We learn what my last sentence above actually means.  We learn whether or not the surgery was a success and what exactly that means for all those concerned.  In addition to the Emma/Neal portion of the story, big changes come to both the Nolans, Granny and Marco.

NEXT CHAPTER->

[turnipotentiary]

okay i was going to put this in the tags of the prev post but it's too long and completely off topic so. i have so many Thoughts capital-T about internet subculture and language especially. how did words evolve? i know we can trace them to their roots, but how did they start there and how did we end up here? how was language created and how was it formed and shaped and how will it continue to change, fluid and growing? how are new words introduced and how do they come to be universally accepted? more specifically, how did internet language evolve from plain english into the casual-ized dialect it is now? how is it different from site to site?

i'm no expert on this, obviously; everything i know about all this is from one wikipedia article i haven't finished reading. but i do feel like the english used on this site is a dialect? the way people "talk" on the internet in general is pretty different from the way i write my stories, or the way i talk. since no one really speaks here, the language is really written-based instead of orally-based. there's no accent, and we can do wonky shit with letters (eg keysmash, though i'd argue that i do a pretty authentic audible keysmash sometimes) without the limits of human sounds. also (and again i'm not an expert i'm not even sure if language evolves) humans and most life in general evolved with one purpose in mind, right? survival. language evolved in order to communicate and express, and changes to suit the times and the environment to fulfill that prime directive. the internet's prime directive, so to speak, is not to survive or to communicate as clearly as possible (unfortunately): it's to be funny. humour gets clout first and foremost on social media. sorry, i should have been more precise: we're talking about social media. not the way online news articles will pepper in a little "isn't that funny! ha!" or a little sort of fake-cheer the way one would talk irl. we're talking about capitalizing words for the Emphasis, periods in the middle of a sentence, no periods at all, fuck proper capitalization, [GUNSHOTS] and [REDACTED] (although those might be specific to tumblr, which is a whole other thing) and "mutuals" and all the terms for things in-site that, again, evolved because that's the environment we are in and that's something we need to communicate. how did "mutuals" become the agreed-upon term for someone you follow who follows you? how did "so true bestie" become a Thing? again with the questions. i have so many thoughts and so many questions (notice no capitalization of the t; this time i'm not referring to Thoughts, i'm referring to thoughts, and what was that quote about untranslateable words or concepts?) and yes i do think i could write a thesis on this. i'm well aware that tumbeler dot com is the wrong place to ask these sorts of questions because reading comprehension here is negative fifteen but i did want to get this out because it's just such an interesting concept to me you know?

[vickyvicarious]

I am super busy this week so didn't really have time to make any posts yesterday, but I still wanted to share a few reactions. First, just general/voice acting notes:

Jonathan's relief and reassurance in the sunlight was so heartwarming. Very sad as well - I can't help but dwell on how he has been forced into a largely nocturnal lifestyle - but overall, it just makes me happy anytime he is able to feel comforted by something (which doesn't immediately come back to bite him).

"Yes... there is a way," gave me ACTUAL CHILLS. I can hear so clearly the stakes at hand (life and death and more). Jonathan sounds cunning, resigned, he's flipping the script and it's creepy and it's very brave and it's very very cool!

His goodbyes....! I am sure everyone is saying it, but him starting and ending his farewells with Mina does brutal things to my heart. He loves her so much, so much. And the lighter music for just that bit, and the way he chokes up a little, I just -

"I looked down once, so as to make sure that a sudden glimpse of the awful depth would not overcome me, but after that kept my eyes away from it." That's so weirdly cute. Jonathan is very deliberately avoiding the classic 'don't look down (slips, looks down, freaks out)' moment by taking one intentional look and then just going, okay, that's done, moving on. It's a weird but seemingly effective way to handle it and kind of incredibly lovable.

"It was barely furnished with odd things, which seemed to have never been used;" - okay, but what were the 'odd things'? Is that just referring to the gold? Because the furniture he says is like other rooms so that doesn't feel odd, unless maybe it isn't typical bedroom furniture and that in itself was the oddity? ...maybe he has a weird statement piece couch or something?

The way Jonathan lingers when describing how Dracula's "lips were as red as ever." So creepy, so fascinated, feeling that same kind of draw that was in the vampire ladies scene. Love the voice acting so much.

Dracula sleeping with his eyes open is so so so creepy. God.

Second: gushing over Jonathan section

"I must take action of some sort whilst the courage of the day is upon me." - Jonathan is so brave. He is so scared, he is terrified... but he doesn't want to be ruled by his fear anymore. Ever since the encounter on May 16, he's been having more and more difficulty acting. He stopped exploring, gave up manipulating Dracula, and only waited for an opportunity to seek help when others came. And to an extent, that was all he could do, and being quiet and playing along is what's kept him alive until now, but last night he had to watch a grieving mother blame him for the death of her child right after he had to listen to her child dying and right before he heard her die (and all this after nearly being hypnotized again), and he wasn't able to do anything at all. He tried, he would have entirely given up on protecting himself for the sake of that child, but the locked door stopped him. And Jonathan is so determined today to take advantage of the rare sense of energy the sunlight has given him, he wants to get out of here and is willing to go to extreme measures to do so. He shoves away his gloomy fearful thoughts when they begin to resurface, and acts.

The way he acts, though. Sure, it's a wildly risky move - but I love how his brain works. Even now he reasons it out. Dracula bothers me at night -> maybe he sleeps during the day -> I can search for the key while he sleeps. Every time an objection would normally stop him he just refuses to accept it and thinks of some way past it. The door is locked -> well, the windows aren't. Even in his reckless state, willing to risk death, he still thinks things out.

(How good must it feel to be able to finally do something. But still he doesn't let himself get too carried away, tries to stay alert and on task.)

Case in point: in the room, he takes his time to look at all the coins. He looks at the dates on them too; great attention to detail. He is primarily searching for a key but whenever he sees a possible significant item or clue he devotes proper attention to it. So diligent.

Same thing in the chapel! "Then I went over every inch of the ground, so as not to lose a chance." Jonathan is always so thorough, I love it. He would have searched all the vaults despite his fear if it weren't for stumbling across Dracula. As it was, he was still pretty darn thorough! He even counted every single box Dracula'd had delivered - fifty in all.

And even after his super creepy encounter with the Count... when Jonathan goes back to his room he first "tried to think." Tried to think! Sure, to an extent that may be code for 'tried to stave off a panic attack' but even then it still speaks to his priorities and goals. Yes, that was extremely traumatic and he is terrified and has just completed his second death-defying freestyle wall climb of the day, but Jonathan has clues now and so he's gonna try to think! He's gonna focus on details! Literally, since he starts his entry with: "I must put down every detail in order." It's just what he does, but for the first time in a long time he has new data to work with.

But not long left to do so.