#midi-chlorians are fucking bacteria

[evilminji]

I... am haunted? By my Midi-chlorian theory?

Cause they are PROBABLY? Some sort of Symbiotic Bacteria?

Which was my theory. Cause "micro-organisms" is vague af? And doesn't exactly tell us what KIND? But it's probably not a mammal or some sort of fish? So like... helpful blood bacteria. Got it! No different then a good gut biome. Makes perfect sense!

Yeah, THIS one has? For some reason? A hyper sensitivity to fundamental forces of reality? But I mean? Monkeys with type writers, right? Something, somewhere, was bound to get it. Some organisms get better smell to survive, some get sensitive whiskers. The blood bacteria got jacked in to Reality's newsreel. Some low ranking admin privileges.

Still? Needs a HOST to survive though. Doesn't, itself, even really HAVE a brain.

Cause it's a Bacteria.

A Bacteria and... and Bacteria can be multiplied. Grown. Obviously? Midi-chlorians refuse to do so outside of a living body. Or the Sith and various other researchers, bother ethical and UNETHICAL, would have figured out how to crack Midi-chlorian development.

They ALSO? We can only assume? DO NOT mix. As in? Any Midi-chlorian's? Removed from the Original Host™ die off pretty promptly. (In time with the blood rotting or new body assimilating the fresh, donated, blood.) So you presumably, couldn't take from, say, Skywalker and give to an average farmer, and have that farmer become mildly force sensitive.

Even THOUGH? The BLOOD? Is where his Midi-chlorians are! So PRESUMABLY? So long as he and the farmer had compatible blood types? That SHOULD happen! Because Anikin his a SHIT TON of Midi-chlorian bacteria in his blood and the farmer would be receiving some of that High Production Strain.

Not saying the farmer would ever become a powerhouse. But? There should? Be a difference? Even if it was only temporarily.

Yet? It seems? Like Midi-chlorian strains? Just don't MIX. They split off, during development of a child, begin cultivation of their own unique colony, and never again! Shall the stains blend. I'd go so far? As to say? They probably ATTACK other Midi-chlorians in THEIR space.

Like part of the immune system. Disease, poison, parasites, and of course? Those filthy, FILTHY Other Midi-chlorian Colonies trying to encroach upon THEIR resources. Get! GET!

Which is where? All past attempts have FAILED. Because they? Had an END GOAL first, and they worked their way backwards. Approached it all with either preconceived notions or complete derision of the subject matter. Ignoring countless culture's collective MILLENNIUMS of knowledge on the subject. The observations. The notes. The folk remedies and early sciences.

Arrogant. Forgetting or outright dismissing. Because THEY were better. THEY were SMARTER. Surely, THEY would crack the code! Unlock the SECRETS of this MYSTICAL building block of the Force!

Achieve... POWER.

But? The thing IS? Primitive? Does not and HAS not? Ever meant stupid. It means young. New. Doctors and scientists, doing the best they could, with what they had. To help as many as they could. The Force? It was a mysterious thing. They knew the shape of it. The edges, but not it's depths. They could observe.

If they did X... Y occurred. Medicine A? Brought about B and C side effects, avoid it going forward. Use Medicine D. So forth and so on. Building upon the knowledge of the past.

But OH, THEY? Didn't have fancy modern medical technology! Didn't know the modern terms! So obviously they were superstitious idiots!

Thus, attempt after attempt. Failed. Usually with innocent people, paying the price. Because Power. Because Fame. Because they could rule the galaxy and go down in history books... if only these simple little bacteria would COOPERATE. But.... they don't. Do they?

Because you lack understanding.

You. Can Not. Remove Them. From The. HOST.

They DIE.

They can exsist in exactly ONE(1) environment. Their NATIVE environment. Where you found them? That's where they need to STAY. If you found them in a tree? The need to stay in THAT specific tree. Dirt? Well then! Dirt from THAT specific region of THAT specific PLANET. No moving! Cease! Desist!

Are the Midi-chlorians in a baby? The start up strains were donated! Congrats! THEY LIVE THERE NOW. They are now NATIVE to the BABY. Can not exsist OUTSIDE the baby! In fact, will immediately begin to die! Outside that baby!

This is WHY Sith Alchemy is so fucked up. Lots of live experimentation and forcing Midi-chlorians into statis. Body horror everywhere. No mas! It DOES NOT SPARK JOY.

Which?! That leads me to my point! The part of all this THAT FUCKING HAUNTS ME!!!

Bacteria can be multiplied if you give it the right food. Fuck, it WANTS to multiple. WANTS to go gangbusters. Just? Absolutely apeshit. Thick enough in the blood to turn it all into PASTE. It doesn't have a brain. It can't look around and think to itself "hey, maybe we should slow down, we're straining the environment".

It's bacteria. Ultimately, in the end, JUST Bacteria.

Yes, it may be the medium by which we connect to The Force... but IT itself? Has no intelligence to negotiate with. Just like the cells in your body. And JUST like the cells in your body? It can be a cancer. Could kill you, if something went wrong.

If SOMEONE, deliberately, made things go wrong.

All in the name of "Science".

Yes, once again, I consider the SI-OC, even as I consider Midi-chlorians themselves. What "feeds" such a bacteria? A healthy body, presumably. Connection to the Force? Kyber, most likely. Force powerful items. We know they "call" to those who are Sensitive. But! As we know? The part of your body that can actually FEEL that call? Is the Midi-chlorians in your blood, which then transfers the information to it's host.

It is the Midi-chlorians that want that specific Force object. In all likelihood, because it benefits them. That it benefits you? Is a lovely side effect. That is can be used for things? Neat! Good on you for figuring that out! It would still call you to collect pretty, shining, rocks, even if you couldn't use Kyber for SHIT. You would be COMPELLED.

NEED it.

It makes the Midi-chlorians inside you go Brrrrr. Mmm, yes, happy chemicals. Positive reinforcement! You should continue to do OTHER things that help the Midi-chlorians! Like meditation, eating well, and being around others! Go on! Hug that baby! Yeeeeeah, good energy makes LOTS of Midi-chlorian food! (Bad energy too. We are not picky. But that Does Not Feel Nice. So like.... why tho?)

So! Consider!

You have yourself an UNETHICAL AF scientist. The Board does NOT UNDERSTAND THEIR GENIUS etc etc. They have completely lost their shit. Unfortunately, they have money. And Slavery and desperation abound. There are ugly, UGLY pockets of darkness in this galaxy.

They? Have An Idea™! (It is a terrible, horrifying idea)

This scientist? Is going to crack the Secrets of The Midi-chlorian! Become Famous! It is a plot heard many times before, sadly. Just as sadly? SI-OC's parents, who were on their way to the temple, never make it there. Make no mistake! Good people. Upset, of course, that they will be losing their daughter. But? As all good parents do?

They made the decision they thought was best for their baby girl. A lifetime of being understood. Supported. Of stable food and safe beds. A good, quality education they would never be able to afford. Being able to help people someday. They love their daughter. Weep for losing her. But sometimes? Loving your child? Means letting them go.

Not forgotten. NEVER forgotten. But somewhere better then they could ever give her. Safe from those who would see their child in chains.

They do not make it.

But they do not go quietly. When those bastards come for their little girl. They make it cost dearly. Not dearly enough. Never, ever, enough. But one of the other passengers is able to get off the emergency beacon. So the Jedi will know. They will come.

It... it has to be... enough...

And it is.

And they do.

But it is not just a pirate attack. Not JUST slavers. No... no this is far more horrifying. Far worse indeed. The Shadow sent to rescue the child? Stumbles into a festering shitshow. The sort that takes a TEAM to unravel. The not-pirates are mercenaries, are closing in fast. He send his data in full, in one big lump as an emergency download.

Capture likely eminent. They're experimenting on Force Sensitives. Need Back Up.

Help.

The Doctor is, of course, DELIGHTED! An adult specimen AND a child! Comparisons and contrasts! They ramble on, unhinged, to the horror of the Shadow. Who's eyes are locked on the Crecheling in a cage. He knows help will come... but will it come fast enough?

No. Not really.

But what keeps HIM from falling? Is the Crecheling that needs to be taught. Ironic, in a way, that the very thing their capture demands and demands? Is what helps them escape, however temporarily, their cages. Meditate. They are told. Or else.

Surrounded by stolen artifacts of Light.

Meditate.

Meditate.

Imagine, if you will, a dialysis machine. It filters the blood, yes? Pumps it outside the body? A terrible process. Trial and error. How far is too far? At what distance, do the midi-chlorians begin to die? The doctor kills... so, SO many innocent. Not their prize specimens. Jedi are hard to get! But slaves? Easy enough.

The Shadow can not Fall, he reminds himself. Can not give in to his grief or rage. His horror, his sorrow. It... it is so hard. To remember the Light. In this dark place. But the Crechling helps. The kyber, the artifacts. When... not... Not IF! But WHEN he gets out of here? He thinks... he thinks he should retire. Being a Creche Master sounds lovely, to be honest.

Bright. Peaceful.

The doctor completes their horror machine. He can not stop them from putting on SI-OC. After all... HE is done growing. It filters the blood, you see. Nice and close to the body. Through and around Force rich materials, in medical grade tubing. Exposing the Midi-chlorians directly to the energy they feed off of. Filter in a mineral solution to use as building blocks.

It WORKS.

The midi-chlorians in SI-OC blood start multiplying far faster and too far greater concentration then ever before. Slowly but surely boosting their Force Sensitivity as they go. What a rousing success.

If it weren't slowly killing SI-OC.

Ever imagine? What would happen if someone reached over and slowly started turning up the sensitivity on your eyesight? Your hearing? Your taste, touch, the FEELING OF YOUR BONES? If every breath was sandpaper, and every thought an adrenaline rush?

Could you imagine? FEELING the galaxy BREATHE? Knowing for a fact that your body had been specially designed for a certain level of sensitivity? And you had been broken? Because someone wanted to see if you could handle HIGHER?

Power without the support structure? Burns everything down.

Just because something CAN be done? Doesn't mean it will work the way you fantasize it will. Reality is not a story book. Where Power comes in pretty little packages, to be bought or sold or stolen. Midi-chlorians were always Bacteria. And trying to fuck with your own micro-biomes for more power? Was always destined to end in death and disease.

For you. For someone else. For every innocent you dragged into it.

They scoffed at the "primitive" scholars who warned not to fuck with it, yet still treat it like its a mystical power to be seized.

The Shadows that finally track down the lab? BURN it wil a VENGEANCE. It is a place of horrors. And initiate SI-OC is very, VERY sick. They aren't even sure they can risk taking her to Coruscant. Too many people. Jedha? Probably safer. Luckily their library has something that...? MIGHT? Be able to help treat this?

SI-OC probably never stops Tasting Time™ and seeing the Pretty Colors™ but? At least she becomes? Largely functional? Probably needs a disability animal. One that's mildly force sensitive, so it knows when she's ~~drifting~~ again. Keep her from walking into traffic or off a landing platform.

The random bouts of prophecy and mind reading are a bit disconcerting, but like? Lay off! It's not SI-OC fault! Be nice! She can't help it! Don't be rude! D:< she basicly has tiny Force Nexus in HER BLOOD. So WHAT if she occasionally stops to admire a sunrise that hasn't existed for thousands of years? It's probably pretty!

The younglings? Very understanding. Adults are a bit creeped out. But like? Eh. Just EXTRA Jedi-y Jedi... they guess? (No, no not really. This one had a serious Force Incident. But like FUCK we're breaking rank to tell outsiders that sooooo..... Sure? Yeah. Let's go with that!)

Ironically? I bet? Anikin gets along great with her? They're team "WHY YES, THE FORCE IS VERY LOUD. WHY ARE WE SHOUTING? SO YOU CAN HEAR US! OVER THE FORCE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT THAT LOU-?". He got it naturally, she got it by getting fucked over. But? They can both go?

"Hey, you feel that thingy in the-?" *vague hand motion* and get a "oh YEAH! Wonder what's THAT'S about?". Does anyone else feel it? No. Is it obvious to THEM? Yes.

Will Anikin punch your lights out, if you mock his disabled friend? *boss music starts playing* R U N. Padme would help. Tag team, fuckeeeeer! *from the highbar with a steel chair*

Community is EVERYTHING. And sometimes? It's you, your secret wife, your brother-mentor-dad, the Clone army you adopted, and the perpetually Force High/Vaguely Brain Damaged jedi you call your best friend! And the droids. And your secret wife's body gaurd squad. And the younglings your friend-... actually? You know what? Your family's kinda big.

Awesome :)

@legitimatesatanspawn @babbling-babull @spidori @hdgnj @hypewinter @leftnotright @the-witchhunter @lolottes @mayfay

[mixelation]

Several people brought up These Bitches in reblogs, so I went and skimmed their Wookieepedia pages. It appears to be canon that they did in fact do a lot of handwave-y physical and chemical manipulation of various planets in addition to some mass colonization and slavery of other species, which I will buy, because they're ancient aliens with super powers, but for various reasons I do not think that their influence on the galaxy explains the contrivances I brought up. I'll ramble a bit about that and then also what I meant by "midichlorians channeling the force could make for wild convergent evolution."

So, first, I need to talk a little bit more about The Contrivances. Most rebloggers have focused on the "most aliens look human" part, and I did want to note that because having a movie budget meant they could use more advanced puppets and then later cgi, Star Wars does also tend to have more diversity in aliens than Star Trek (at least in appearance). But they almost all have bilateral body plans, with defined heads and mouths and eyes for talking and seeing, and limbs differentiated into arms with hands and legs. Deviations from this are things like "has two heads" or "capable of living underwater" or "is a slug with arms." Assuming multiple origins of life in the universe (instead of one origin of life, which evolved on one planet and then spread), there is no reason to think that all aliens would evolve like this. There isn't even really much reason to think, if we had a bunch of alternate universes where we reran evolution of life on earth, this type of body plan would evolve every time. It's also weird, unless they're already closely related and came from a recent common ancestor, aliens would be able to have children together. (I believe humans and Twileks can in SW, but I'm unsure if there's other examples.) There's no reason to even think all species would even have DNA or cells as we conceptualize them or shared molecular mechanisms.

The WEIRDEST thing about the Contrivance of Shared Biology to me is the omnipresence of midi-chlorians. According to The Lore, every living thing has them, and Qui-gon's explanation of them in-movie implies life literally can't exist without them. They're also implied to be intracellular, which means they somehow get into cells (all living things have cells!?) and then live inside them without harming the host or the host kicking them out. If there's no single origin of life, how does EVERY organism have the same type of symbiont? How are they all compatible with it to this degree?

Okay, so now I'm going to go into why I'm rejecting These Bitches/Celestials/Architects/Force Wielders as the source of all these Contrivances, but then also throw out some ways they could be responsible.

My first objection to These Bitches being the originators is time scale. Wookieepedia implies their exact origins are unknown, but they disappeared around 30,000 BBY, and one character is able to assert they're at least a million years old (this is the oldest number i found associated with them, but I did only do minimal research). Evolution can happen fast, but traits don't just come out of nowhere. Unless life already had the basics of the traits described that the Celestials could act on-- and here we are including traits like "having cells" because who says ALIENS would all naturally evolve those-- then I simply do not buy that one million years is enough time to take an alien and change its body plan via guided evolution. Fuck, I don't think one billion years would be enough. The fact that other intelligent organisms were around to the witness them implies they weren't started from scratch by These Bitches, either.

My second objection is just.... the sheer depth and amount of effort it would take to completely control all life in the galaxy, right down to the evolutionary trajectories of like. Fungi. Deep sea vent worms. Bacteria. I get the impression the narrative/fandom treats them like gods, but come on. I'd take "the Force just Decided" over this.

(My third, narrative-based objection is that I don't like what this would do to my preferred flavor of Star Wars.)

I think if you really wanted These Bitches as the origin and master minds behind all life in the universe, you have to toss out the idea of multiple origins of life and take the Star Trek route of artificial seeding of planets. You'd also have to pick the start of their little wild project as.... a lot more than a million years ago, and probably with a lot of active interventions in other planets across the entirety of their species' history. They would also have to predate all other life in the galaxy (excluding anything that evolved with them on their own planet, which would presumably include midi-chlorians). TBH settling on one origin of life could potentially solve all the Contrivances I listed above, but that's not really the point of this exercise.

Okay, so moving on to my proposed headcanon. I've been mulling over how the Force might work as an evolutionary force for a few weeks now, but I also don't like defining how the Force works. I thought about letting it add some sort of intentionality to evolution, but as a scientist that made all my hackles rise. So I'll give you this, with the caveat I'm still rotating it and don't have all the details hammered down: the first life to ever evolve in the galaxy became midi-chlorians, which are a class of organisms (rather than a singular species) able to live off the Force itself. As a group, they can live freely in any environment, including the vacuum of space. Over the course of a Fuck Ton of time and using the Force, they were able to spread across the galaxy and were the only "life" for a very, very long time.

This means that when NEW life evolved from whatever mechanism, they all had to eventually deal with midi-chlorians in their environment. Maybe midi-chlorians were sparse, so it took a couple million years for them to colonize the second planet ever to evolve life, where life happened to have cells/nucleic acid/etc. The midi-chlorians and this new life coevolved for a while, and a symbiosis happened. And then midi-chlorians that lived clustered in little cells did SO well they started selecting for midi-chlorian-friendly life. But they retained their ability to live freely, which is how they survived transfer between hosts.

And so this molecular/evolutionary "preference" for living in cells of another organisms was spread through other midi-chlorians across the galaxy. And when life started to evolve on other planets, the midi-chlorians were able to go WHERE IS MY CELL? And if you weren't evolving into cells with a closed membrane, fuck you, die. Or maybe they have a mechanism to help membrane formation? The point is: midi-chlorians evolved a certain preferred environment (a host) and then ways to select for continuation of viable hosts. This, in turn, leads to a certain amount of convergent evolution (two species evolving similar traits). I'm still working on why this would also lead to the similarities in body plans and, like, DNA itself, but maybe host switching between midi-chlorian lineages keeps most species on similar evolutionary paths? Someone else suggested midi-chlorians have a way to edit host DNA (and then maybe move DNA between hosts??) and I'm still mulling that idea over. I like the concept, but the origin of it hinges on the idea that there was some compatibility before DNA started being swapped across planets.

As part of the symbiosis, certain hosts are able to tap into the Force. Personally I like the idea of "tap into force -> grow more midi-chlorians as a result" being the reason that midichlorian count correlates with Force sensitivity, where the ability to access the Force via midi-chlorians relies on other factors.

Aaaand yeah. The Force make convergent evolution via coevolution with midi-chlorians. Tada!

i think the star trek explanation for why there's so many humanoid species across the galaxy and why things with completely different evolutionary histories can mate and why aliens ALSO evolved DNA is that the universe was seeded by some common ancestor. and star wars has some of the same things going on and no offense but sometimes i talk to someone about The Lore and they'll be like "it's the force--" and i'll be like THAT LITERALLY DOESN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING THAT'S LIKE NARUTO FANS BEING LIKE "CHAKRA MAKES THINGS EVOLVE FASTER" TO EXPLAIN, LIKE, FUCKING, SINGLE SERVE POTATO CRISP BAGS. IT'S A NONSENSE ANSWER UNLESS YOU EXPLAIN HOW

but also if all life in the universe is in a symbiotic relationship with fucking. midichlorians channeling the force. then yeah that could be an explanation for insane convergent evolution. there was one origin of life and then it shaped/catalyzed all other life that evolved. i hate this