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dredshirtroberts · 8 years ago

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So...things that happen in spring:

Weather - all of it at once.

Birthdays - all of them within spans of approximately 2 weeks between.

The changing weather this week has made me sore and achey all over. I don’t feel like moving, all my problem joints are acting up more than usual and my normal non-problematic joints are uncomfortable and stiff. But the world does not stop just because it’s 30°F one day and 70°F the next.

I wish it did tho.

They’re calling for snow this weekend. Cautiously optimistic about it, but definitely not holding my breath.

fuckin’ global warming man.

And birthdays. My mother just had hers on Monday. We had a family dinner on Sunday to celebrate. Next week is boyfriend’s birthday. Mine’s in three and a half weeks.

I turn 25.

You know what I want for my birthday? I want to celebrate with people who will value my contributions to the conversation and won’t talk over me when I speak. I want to celebrate with people who value my existence in this world as more than a status symbol and who appreciate my talents and worth. I want to be with people who acknowledge how fucking GORGEOUS I am, and smart and clever, and amazing I really fucking am.

Most of the people who fit these requirements live far away and/or are very busy this time of year. None of them are my family.

So I guess it’s just gonna be me and the boyfriend - which is fine. I just also kind of...

I’ve been starting a depression spiral and I am fighting ever so desperately to keep myself above the black abyss of self-deprecation and hate. It would be nice to be with people who don’t drag me down and make me feel worse.

Boyfriend has been amazing every time this sort of thing happens. I know why it happens - it’s because I hung out with my family and they...they do not appreciate how fucking amazing I am. Even when they try, it’s limited by the fact that they are utterly self-centered and more focused on how my amazingness reflects their “efforts” in raising me.

Oh and my parents praise the fact that they did neglect my sister and I. They don’t call it neglect but that’s what they did.

We have STORIES we share around the dinner table about my sister and I LITERALLY LEAVING THE HOUSE WHILE WE WERE STILL IN DIAPERS because no one was paying attention to us. I once went out in the snow in nothing but a diaper with a blanket. I have a very vivid memory of attempting to run away from home at age 3 or 4 with just my plastic Barbie backpack - my downfall was that I couldn’t tie my shoes on my own.

There are multiple stories about this.

My parents are completely alcoholic. They function well enough but they’re alcoholics. My mother went through almost an entire bottle of wine by herself during the 3-ish hours I was over at their house for dinner. My father made it through nearly an entire six pack - again, by himself - in the same amount of time. I then went to Sam’s Club with my father on Tuesday and he bought 7 bottles of wine that I know will be gone by the end of this weekend if not sooner. He laughed about the fact that they might last two days with my mother in the house.

He giggled as he put them in the cart, like he was just buying something normal like extra chips or some cookies or something. A treat, but one you’re “not supposed to have because society says DIE-BEETUS or something”. (not to discount anyone with diabetes. It was a bad example and I wish I had a better one but I do not and I am sorry).

But it’s 7 bottles of wine they don’t need because mom already had 2 bottles from dad, and I bought her one for her birthday (because, fuck it, it was easy and I didn’t have to put any real thought into it and it was relatively impersonal. also less than $7 and she was pleased with it). That’s 10 bottles of wine. Minus the 1 she was nearly done with by the time I left on Sunday. 9. Minus one for every day in the week so far. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and we’ll count todays too, because it’s Friday. that’s 5 more. She has 4 bottles left.

We’ll assume because it’s Friday they’ll “treat themselves” to extra. Add another bottle to Friday for 3 left out of the nine they had by Tuesday. Tomorrow will be at least one more bottle of wine. Maybe 1.5 because they have church on Sunday. which leaves 1.5 left for Sunday dinner and to pregame for Monday. This is also assuming they haven’t bought anymore since Tuesday, or drank more one night than I’ve accounted for here.

Not to mention the beers, or if they went out anywhere for dinner or with friends.

This is how it’s been for my entire life. I learned how to open a bottle of wine and pour it when I was 12. I learned how to pour a perfect beer (not too much head on it now, tip the glass and pour down the side, make sure the glass is frosty from the freezer that’s a girl) at roughly the same time. My life goal at 16 was to be a bartender and own my own pub because it would make my parents proud and I thought drinking that much every night was *normal*.

A note for the bottles of wine now that I think about it - these are standard bottles, not the giant ones you can get. Though, to be fair my mother can, will, and has put away a whole giant bottle plus half another in one night before. And I’m not talking an all day drink-a-thon (though they do that too). I’m specifically talking about the hours between 6 and 10. Four hours. 5 servings of wine (at least).

And that’s the easy one to calculate. If they have beer? Forget it. Who knows how many they’ve had until the next day when they line up all their conquests into a nifty little beer-amid they then instagram to their facebook because hee hee look at how much we had last night - and every night!

And god forbid if I start talking about myself or anything I’m interested in. If I want to share it has to be easily adaptable to something my sister can talk about herself with, or something my parents agree with/also like. Because if not, forget it. I would be better off not even there.

And I’m MAD about this. I am so upset about the fact that this happens every time I’m with my family. EVERY TIME.

I’m so angry. I’m so frustrated. And I know it’s because I want them to be better. I want them to be that family I thought I had growing up that I realize now was just my brain trying to protect me from the fact that no one loved me while I grew up. No one gave a shit about me. I didn’t have anyone give a proper shit about me until 2014. Maybe not even 2015.

That fucking sucks, you know?

My therapist said to make sure I engage in the emotions I feel and let myself feel them. It hurts but in order to move forward you have to let yourself be in the moment with those feelings.

So here I am, at work - thankfully alone, pissed the hell off and heartbroken that this is my fucking life. this is the family I was given to. They didn’t even WANT me. I was an accident.

It’s not okay. But I will be okay. I have a support system and friends who love the shit out of me. People I would gladly take a bullet for, or punch a nazi (though frankly I’d do that anyway) for, or support in any way I possibly can. Because they have my back, and I am incredibly grateful for them.

I also have a boyfriend who loves me, who cares for my wellbeing and who understands that I am still healing because I have wounds I don’t even know about. Or at least consciously acknowledge.

I’m broken on the inside but they sell duct tape in fun colors and patterns now so I can mend myself with my own style. And I’ll be loved while I do it and I will love with my entire being - broken pieces and all - just to spite them

Because I have to.

Because I need to heal.

#life post #this was a lot more than i thought it was going to be #then again i haven't met with my therapist in two weeks #so while that part was progress it's also #i need to start making time to express all these thigns #once a week at least #so that i can keep it from building up and making things worse #it'll be a fancy bath night tonight - boyfriend suggested it last night #and i really fucking need it

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space-hair · 3 years ago

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cringe i must talk through here when my wife is not here that is how it goes anyways

why do i want to draw. what do i want to draw. how do i draw. what do i do to improve, what do i want to improve, why do i want to improve it, where do i go with that improvement, is it worth it to work on improvement when there is nothing for me to use that improvement on. what is it that i want to draw, how do i continue ideas and motivation for that , how can i accept that drawing 100 things a day is wasting away my dwindling ideas log, that drawing so much isn’t satisfying like it could be. if i had ideas would it be. how do i stop blocking myself from things that could give me inspiration and ideas to work with. blocking out things so i don’t get hyperfixated and unable to pull myself out . to not have to confront uncomfortable feelings or things through the media and things i’m blocking myself from, is that worth art decaying more and more. would i have drawn more and felt more satisfied if i let myself switch around from place to place and accept the attachments that come with it. even the thigns that i like now i don’t draw anything from, even if i want to i don’t want to. if i expand my art beyond shit sketches (lovingly) how can i obtain the visual mess that sketches express without washing it all away into a stiff clean art. how many csp brushes do i go through before i give up. is art something i have to do every day all day because i have nothing else to do and i need to do something and if i’m not i’m wasting time doing nothing . is that decaying my art , to draw not because you have ideas but because you need to be doing something. wtf do i do. with any luck i’ll have at least 60+ years left, how can i get 100′s of ideas every day for the rest of my life. i’m so unsatisfied. none of my art goes anywhere. i draw a sketch and it will never become something more. i draw an oc and it dies after the first art of it. everything i start stops immediately. so i start something new and it dies immediately. i so desperately want one thing i draw to spark and ignite instead of just dying immediately. like my art and ideas are so worthless and boring that nothing could ever come from them so why am i drawing it. i want to draw for others but i have nobody. i have nothing to draw if it’s not for other people. nothing is satisfying to draw anymore. i don’t care drawing animals, or scenery, or people, or anything. everything i want to draw i don’t have ideas and the ideas i have i don’t want to draw. i like what i draw but i want more from it but am unable to find a style that takes longer that i like. if i draw a messy sketch, that messiness that i like is sterilized through the lineart and colouring, yet i’m unable to find a way to make a piece feel more finished without losing that feeling. i draw too fast, it ruins everything. i can’t draw slower, i can produce the same thing same quality if i draw it in a minute or if i draw it in five, i can’t draw the line slower. all the art tutorials i read as a child to just draw faster have ruined my ability to enjoy art . i just want to like art, to be able to just pick up paper and draw and that’s all i want. there’s nothing to do anymore.

cringe over.

#kyle speaks #delete later

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stemcellee · 4 years ago

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Hi, congrats on your job! Could I ask how you went about your job search? I'm a student at UCLA highkey struggling to find a gap year job related to healthcare :')

Hello! Here are a few other asks that I will address in this post:

Hi! I was wondering if I could have some guidance searching for a medical assistant position during this time. I'm having trouble finding positions that don't require the license/certification :( especially since places are freezing hiring due to coronavirus

hi! i really love your blog, and you've been so helpful these past few months!! thank you so much for being such an amazing person owo ily!! i was wondering if you could maybe talk about how you got your job as a medical assistant 🥺👉👈? thank you for everything you do!! you're so amazing and i wish you the best of luck on your job!

First of all, thank you for the kind words!

So I want to start by saying that I am EXTREMELY grateful of this position because I recognize how hard it is to find a job in general, but especially in this time. It’s been Rough

For you UCLA students, make sure you join the UCLA Jobs and Internships Facebook page. That thing is GOOD, I’ve found SO MANY things there. Join that ASAP!!

Second, take advantage of Handshake. As a UCLA student (or other college student) you get free access to Handshake for a year after graduation. I actually found the job I’m working right now through Handshake! LinkedIn is good too, but be careful. For some reason that thing is RIDDEN with scammers!!!

Third, you have to be really diligent about applying. Have a cover letter and resume READY TO Go. For me, I had my cover letter and resume on Google Docs so I could edit them as needed before submitting to different positions. Let me know if you want some help writing a cover letter, I’m no expert but my cover letter has landed me a lot of interviews and this job so far.

Fourth, you should be looking for new postings everyday. Apply to things everyday if you can. I was really neurotic about lol, I applied to all kinds of jobs that I felt I’d be comfortable doing (from medical assistant to scribe to research)

It will take time and interviews. In fact, I was super heartbroken because I made it to final rounds of another job but didn’t get it, but then the current job i work came through and honestly I’m much happier with this position. I know some jobs will be MUCH more appealing than others, but keep an open mind and a good spirit!

I learned that having enthusiasm and CONFIDEnce is important in interviews. Especially with Zoom and FaceTime interviews, youll have to express yourself through a screen. I’ll be a little hard in the beginning but trust me, you’ll get better.

Plan for interviews on a Google Doc and save your answers to reference in the future. Write down any questions you recieved. I did that and it helped me feel better about these online interviews. Speak with friends to prepare! Talking thigns out helps you get rid of all those tongue twisty things you might get stuck on during the real thing.

As always let me know if you want any help or guidance. I’m still no expert but I’m more than willing to share my experiences :)

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peakywritings · 7 years ago

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This prompt got away from me, so I went ahead and broke it into two parts. Part I is going up today, and I plan to have Part II next Monday

The first time you met Tommy Shelby, you hadn't had any idea who he was.

You'd justed finished your shift at the hospital and had been walking back to your appartment. It was in one of the worst parts of town, but it was what you could afford. Being a nurse wasn't exactly glamerous, but it was important work. You'd started your career during the war, determined to do your bit. The hospitals on the front had been nightmarish, and you still woke up screaming in the middle of the night. But you'd been on your own since the war had ended. Your father had been killed on the front, and your mother had followed soon after you'd heard the news. This was the only way you knew how to support yourself. The pay was decent enough, and you found statisfaction in the work you didn't think you'd ever find in being a secritary.

You'd been walking to your apartment in Camden when you saw him. A figure in a large coat, leaning against a lamppost, hunched over in what was obviously pain to your trained eye. As much as your common sense told you to leave him alone, you couldn't help yourself. He was in trouble and you could help. That was all that mattered.

You crossed the street just short of a run, placing your hand on his back.

"Sir?" You aksed him. "Sir, are you alright?"

He turned to face you, and you had to fight the urge to shake your head. He looked as if he was only just off death's door, sickly pale, gaunt enough that his skin seemed stretched too tight over his sharp cheekbones. There were cuts and bruises covering his face, his eye red with blood and swollen, and the way his arm was clasped around his ribs told you that the abuse didn't stop at his collar.

He didn't answer, staggering forward, his eyes rolling up in his head. You darted forward and wrapped an arm around him, pulling him upright once more.

This man needed care. The kind of care you could provide. The idea of bringing a strange man back to your apartment was a terrifying one, but you didn't see what other choice you had. Besides, the man couldn't even lift his own head. You doubted he'd be much of a threat to you.

It should have taken Tommy at least four day s to recover, but he was a stubborn, stubborn man and has left after only two. Still, you grew to know him over those two days. His dry, biting humor. His calculating eyes, the color of frost. And you learned how truly terrible a patient he was.

Tommy was a fighting man. A man used to being in control. Men like that didn't like being helpless.

Still, you were more stubborn than he was. You'd heard all sort of thigns on the front yourself, and so his insults and threats didn't phase you in the least.

When you'd come home to him putting on his coat, you couldn't deny that you were disappointed. Still, there was nothing to be done for it. Instead, you plied him with pills and ointments to help, along with a heap of fresh bandages and words of warning.

"I'll see to it that you're paid for your trouble," Tommy said on your doorstep.

"Take care of yourself," you said, placing a hand gently on his shoulder. "That'll be payment enough."

He said nothing, his lips quirking in a humorless smile. And then, much like he had come, he was gone again.

You'd spend the rest of they day trying very hard to forget the man. Tommy Shelby was handsome, there was no denying that, with sharp wits and a tongue to match. You were used to making conversation with the convalescing, trying to keep their minds busy as their bodies healed. But every conversation with Tommy was like a dance, him spinning you around in circles as he artfully avoided answering any questions himself. As soon as you had learned the steps, you'd delighted in twirling with him, offering only as much as you were given. But there was no use dwelling on it. Tommy Shelby wasn't part of your life. Not really.

Your shift at the hospital was as distracting as it was demoralizing. You'd been called in to help with an operation, which was exciting and something of an honor. But the operation had failed, and the patient had died on the table. It had been left to you to comfort her grieving family, the doctor having more important things to do. By the time you were finished, all you wanted was to wash the phantom blood from your body before falling into an exhausted sleep.

Instead, you found someone waiting for you on your doorstep. A boy you'd never seen before, wearing a peaky cap and a board expression. As soon as he saw you, however, he stood up straighter.

"You the nurse?" he asked.

You nodded, and in response he thrust forward his hand, filled with a handful of notes.

"What's this?" you asked him, confused.

"Payment," the boy said. "For services. I'm to give it to you, by order of the Peaky Blinders."

You blinked in surprise. You'd heard of the Peaky Blinders in passing. They were a gang who ran most of the racing in the North. But they didn't have any presence here in London. And even if they had, you hadn't done anything that would warrant a payment.

"There must be some mistake," you told the boy gently.

"Mister Shelby said it was this address," the small boy insisted.

"Shelby? As in Thomas Shelby?"

The boy nodded. "Runs the gang, he does."

Well, that certainly explained a number of things. Both about Mr. Shelby's scars and his demeanor.

You reached forward and gently pushed the money back towards the boy.

"Tell Mr. Shelby that I don't need any payment from him. But if he does want to do something for me, he can promise to be more careful in the future. As careful as someone in his line of work can be, anyway."

The boy stared up at you with wide eyes as you hurried past him and shut the door in his face.

The same scene repeated itself on your doorstep each night, the messengers growing more and more insistent. As opposed to irritating you, you began to see it as a game of sorts. One you were coming to enjoy.

Except one night you came home and it wasn't a messenger, but Tommy Shelby himself waiting for you, leaning against your door as if he owned it, a cigarette hanging from his lips.

"You," he said when you approached, "are a very difficult woman."

"And you, Mr. Shelby," you replied tartly, "are a very difficult man."

That had earned you a smile. Brief, but genuine.

"I'm taking you to dinner," he told you. "No arguments."

You let him. Dinner leading to dancing, dancing to drinks, and then, when he walked you back to your room, you had invited him back to your room.

He called on you every time he was London, which was happening more and more often as the Shelby company expanded. He spent the night nearly every time, once staying almost a week in a row. It was after that that he'd bought you a house. One for the two of you to share, whenever he came to town.

It wouldn't last. You knew that. For all the time you spent together, the little pieces of himself that Tommy had slowly begun to share, you knew he didn't love you. There had been someone. Someone who had broken his heart and his trust. You'd never have either, you knew. This wouldn't last. It couldn't. You knew that. So instead you devoted yourself to making the most of however much time you had with Tommy. Those pieces of himself he did give you, you treasured. And for all that you did not have his heart or his trust, you had him. Or at least you would for a little while. You were going to make the best of it, and enjoy every moment that it lasted.

So when a knock on the door in the middle of the night brought the whole thing crashing down around your ears, you weren't surprised.

Tommy wasn't due in London until tomorrow, but he kept odd hours, often showing up unexpectedly. The Blinders too showed up at odd hours, knowing that they could come to you for help. You'd lost count of how many wounds you'd stitched in the dead of night.

But it wasn't Tommy on the other side of the door, nor one of his men.

A woman. A beautiful woman in an expensive coat and hat atop her golden curls.

"Is Tommy here?" she asked you, barely sparing you a glance.

The help, you realized. She thought you were the help. And why shouldn't she? She was an elegant woman, her delicate Irish accent only adding to her air of class and sophistication. The kind of woman who wore wealth only the way someone who had had it all their life could.

You were nobody. A girl from a family who had struggled to get by, one who had barely gotten by herself before Tommy had come into your life. Exactly the kind of person the help should be.

"Mr. Shelby won't return to London until tomorrow," you said, keeping the hurt from your voice with the ease of practice from years spent comforting loved ones. "May I have your card?"

The woman handed it over.

"What time do you expect him?" she asked you.

"He should arrive in the morning," you said.

A few polite pleasantries later, and the woman was gone, back in her expensive car, pulling away into the night.

You shut the door carefully behind yourself before sliding down it. A glance at the card confirmed all your worst fears. The woman was Grace.

Grace's Secret.

Tommy had named his horse after her. With how Tommy felt about horses, that told her everything that she needed to know.

This was the woman. The woman who had had Tommy's trust and his heart, and had broken them both. The woman he still loved.

There was no point in staying. No point in fighting for Tommy. After all, he'd never been yours to start with. But he was loyal, in his own way. If you stayed, you'd only make things harder for him than they had to be.

You knew what you had to do.

Wiping the tears from your cheeks, you stood and made your way upstairs. You packed the few belongings you had that Tommy hadn't purchased for you into a suitcase. Your wages for the past few months, which you'd been able to save, would be enough to by a ticket. It didn't much matter where, so long as it wasn't London or Birmingham.

Pulling on your coat, you left the card Grace had left where you knew Tommy would see it, along with a short, handwritten note and your keys to the house.

Putting on your hat, you turned off the lights before shutting the door behind you. You walked down the street, towards the train station, leaving your heart behind.

#tommy shelby imagine #thomas shelby imagine #peaky blinders imagine #peakywritings

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calliecat93 · 7 years ago

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TMNT: Final Retrospective

I was going to wait until the finale aired to post this. However at this point, my interest in the show is pretty much gone and I don’t plan on watching it. I still love it, but I realized during Season 4 that the quality was going down. Who to blame? Ciro? Brandon? Nickelodoen? Viacom? Playmates? All of them? IDK, and at this point it doesn’t matter. Plus I’ve been obsessed with the show since 2012, to the point that it began to affect my actual life and cause problems, hence why I had to start letting it go. So, for now, I don’t plan on watching the finale. But I still love this show and have fond memories of it. So I want to make one more post about it and finally say goodbye to both it and the fandom (I’ll still reblog stuff, but I’m not going to do anymore analysis).

In 2012, things were... not great in RL. I mean they’re bad now, but it was harder to deal with back then because I didn’t have anything to use as an outlet. Fortunately I had discovered Tumblr (and it was a LOT tamer back then), made friends, and found a way to enjoy my shows without having to go to forums/Fanfiction,com all the time. When at my grandparents, the show premiered. I wasn't interested, but my grandfather was currently at a nursing home due to surgery and I was tired and needed something to do. SO I put it on there with no idea what to expect. I had watched the 2k3 Turtles and liked it, but never became a fan and even then I was weary about reboots.

But the premiere blew my expectations. Great animation, well-rounded characters, perfect casting, a fun and well-paced story, very well done fight scenes, and it all just blended together into one of the best shows I saw on Nick. I mean it’s only competition in terms of good shows was The Legend of Korra, so... but yeah, it pulled me in instantly. At that time the only other thing I was watchign was a PBS ids show called Wild Kratts (that I highly recommend) so I needed another show, so it filled the void. Heck it made me like CGI animation when at the time I was bitter over it due to it killing off 2D.

I hadn’t planned on getting seriously involve din the fandom, just reblog things. Mainly because I saw what doing that did in various anime forums. But the longer I was on here, so many of the complaints began to get on my nerves. I understand why those complaints existed, like lack of female characters, but it angered me that so many were personally attacking the people behind the show. Plus the mroe I watched the show, while I saw the flaws, I felt that people needed to look at them from another end. April was complained about for being a useless damsel in distress without looking at how she was actively involved in helping and there’s a VERY good reason why she was more downkey int he beginning (she wasn’t a ninja at the time for one). It was enough to make me go ‘well if these people can express their opinions and say whatever they want and not are if anyone agrees, why can’t I?’ Plus college made me analyzing things more or less mandatory, so I really began to look deeply into this show more that I had any other. And that led to me analyzing and reviewing the show for the net 3-4 years.

Beneath it all,t he show made me happy. I was able to relate to all the characters. Leo having to become responsible and tired of receiving no gratitude for it, Mikey wanting to make friends despite what hes perceived as without losing his lightheartedness, Donnie’s awkwardness an frustrations about being behind everyone else, Raph’s temper and ability to get easily frustrated, April wanting to be helpful and do more but lacking the ability to do so. I was going through those issues at the time, and in a way I still am now and seeing these characters have those issues and working through them made me feel better. This version of these characters are why I stuck with the show, even if i admit several episodes (Pizza Face for example) were really stupid. I wanted to see what they’d do an where they’d end up. It’s why The Invasion impacted me so much, it made me fear for them for the first time and I wanted to see if they’d be okay. It’s why I analyzed and began liveblogging, because I wanted to talk about their journeys as characters and explain why they ended up where they are. April especially became so important to be because the hate against her was by far the most unfair and due to it, I got to know her and care about her more and ore. She is still my favorite character and I will still defend her if I have to, because I want people to see why she’s not a horrible cheating, useless idiot. She’s the complete opposite.

But... all good thigns come to an end. As I said my obsession with the show and Season 4′s decline (I blame marketing cause if not for the Space Arc, they could have done FAR more, but gotta sell the toys!) are big factors on why I veered away from the show. But another reason is... well, I was starting to not enjoy it and not just because of the previous reasons. I began to take the show too seriously.I had to argue about everything. I wanted to prove haters wrong, even when now that I look back, there are flaws and good points about them. I realized that I was really no better than the haters, I was blindly in love with the show that I couldn't accept nay criticism about ti. And that was wrong. I was also burnt out from all of it and with RWBY and Miraculous now around, I was ready to move on to something else. TMNT only had the Aeon crystal and the eventual final duel with Shredder left for me, and when those happened I was over it.

Looking back now, I just facepalm at myself. I let the show overrule my life and I should have had more self control. I should have admitted that the show had glaring problems in it. I guess I was worried that if I did, I wouldn't be a real fan, and that’s bullshit. So now we’re at the end, and I really don’t feel anything. I had already moved on by then. I only felt angry that Nick was treating it so horribly, but as for the show ending? I was like “Huh... okay then.”. But I still love this show. I still have so many good memories of it. It helped me through a lot and even with the flaws, it had plenty of good as well. t helped me realize that I like reviewing, hence why I’m trying to become better at it with the Miraculous reviews. And as much as I complained about how volatile fans could be, can’t say that I hate the fandom. There are a lot of talented people and deep down I know that most people are just as passionate as I was for it, even if not for the same reasons. We all wanted to see the show to succeed, and due tot hat I respect those people. It really was a fun ride all in all, and I wouldn’t change anything about it... except for the personal attacks on the showrunners. I’d get rid of that, but that’s about it.

Thank you TMNT 2012, for everything. For being there for me through these past five years. For making be a better person. For being what would make me smile when I wanted the world to end. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you, and goodbye. Booyakasha everybody!

#tmnt #2k12 #tmnt 2012

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cheddarcheesestix · 5 years ago

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Deep soul cleanse 1

It’s late, maybe I’ll start today and continue another day. I like this gif hehe.

I’m playing a chill and soothing song and it’s totally my vibe. I haven’t gotten this feeling in a long while.

This world is very heavy and upsetting for me. I just need to connect so deeply with anyone, someone, everyone. Maybe I should look into writing fiction or doing music, else I’ll forever feel so blocked and unhappy or something. Everyone has all these fears and insecurities and scary things about them that make you insecure. But all I want is to get closer. I want best friends to talk to all the time, particularly female so that romantic feelings won’t get in the way. I just want a pure, neat connection that lasts. But everyone changes we have judgements and I am so judgey. Plus I am pretty introverted and I like deep thoughts and a more soul level kind of talk. It’s just so hard for me to conenct with most people tbh. I feel so drained all day. And i keep, keep running away from writing and don’t really let myself write. I think it’s really what I need to feel alright and good. But I have all these fears that stop me.

Wow this gif and these soothing mandarin songs are giving me much vibes right now. Suddenly feel like getting into music and making something. Love these relaxing yet catchy ballads.

Yeah I have all these fears and mainly I’m just really scared and unhappy that I’m weird. Maybe not exactly weird, or that’s not the nicest way to say it. But I am quite unorthodox in terms of my interests and my deep, fiercely independent thinking. I feel that once I stop being an asshole sometimes, as I tend to, and I’m working on that, I’ll feel to myself much less weirder because I’ll be more cooperative.

I’m also telling myself that it doesn’t matter who you think you have been or were. It’s all perspective. I’m here now and there are all these thigns I want and love. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about it. It’s what will make me feel alive and warm and fulfilled and nourished and replenished and all right. I’m not really motivated by feelings of wanting success or fame or whatnot.. or am I? Maybe a little, but not much. I’m so lazy. I have a large tolerance for suffering. That’s why I can be happy with a stupid 9-5 and then just watching some shows at night or something. and 1 or 2 friends to talk to.

But lately that’s all crumbling and my soul is forever changing with every new social landscape and season. I need new things. I need to account for all the hopes and dreams of my younger self and my past selves.

I’m also afraid of success. I think my mind is really deep and I don’t mean to want to sound like I’m praising myself too much but I’m just a bit more unbalanced and have skewed, maybe extreme strengths and weaknesses. I feel that working hard is important but as a writer, the key to success, personally, would be to take care of my mind and soul well and to let that inner sound flow out. If I succeed, I won’t understand how it is different and similar to what everyone else experiences and what society is taught. I’m taught that success requires lots of failure and commitment and effort and luck and connections. But personally, success is feeling okay with everything, it’s internal work. Success is daring to do what feels great. It is expressing myself and listening to the world.

It’s late.

I think, I have decided to write everyday. It’s what that will feel right and fight against all those fears and scars I have.

#diary #journal #reflections

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trespeak · 8 years ago

Text

™ The wonderful @raytaku tagged me for a meme thign. U da bes, Ray!

5 things you’ll find in my bag:

my iPad Air 2

my journal

a pair of Finn and Jake Funko Pop keychains (technically on the bag but w/e)

a fortune cookie to read on my radio show (except when I fucKING FORGET TO PUT ONE IN THERE)

no writing utensils, infuriatingly

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom:

posters (the ones I had up in my dorm before I moved out were these)

Adventure Time (Finn riding on Jake’s back with a sword and shield in front of their house)

Bravest Warriors

Daft Punk on the cover of Rolling Stone

the album art for 4x4=12 by deadmau5

Destiny: The Taken King

an Iron Giant print made for an on-campus screening

a stylized version of the O2 Arena in London

Regular Show

a 70′s style version of the Enterprise for Star Trek Beyond

the teaser poster for Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

a homemade Tiny and Big one

a promo poster for streaming the radio station I DJ on/volunteer at.

(I also want a Death Cab one and might end up printing myself a Scud the Disposable Assassin one and/or a Does It Offend You, Yeah? one. We’ll see.)

lots of old trash from food I haven’t bothered to clean up

an aging desktop rig and a Xbox One S

my fledgling collection of physical CDs, film and games:

Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories (first album I distinctly remember buying for myself)

Death Cab for Cutie’s Narrow Stairs (my favorite album ever, and a new addition)

Forza Horizon 3

Porter Robinson’s Worlds

Snakehips’s “All My Friends” single and remix EP

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (and the first two books in color and Seconds)

Sunset Overdrive

Turbo (that snail is fast)

White Sea’s In Cold Blood

Zedd’s Clarity (the Deluxe Edition)

a shit ton of cables and wires

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in life:

Git gud with a shit ton of music-related things (a more traditional DAW like Ableton or Logic, a MIDI controller like the Novation Launchpad or MIDI Fighter, turntables, etc.) and improve the quality of my production skills

Make a vidya gam! I have a license for GameMaker: Studio that’s kinda just lying around.

Start a podcast and streaming on Twitch/Beam/etc. Right now in the case of the former I actually do have a bit of a plan starting to come together (my working title is Late Night Game Night, and I’m gonna start with a six-episode season of fun little stories about games I love), but the latter has kind of hit a snag because I can’t get streaming to work on the networks in my dorm. We’ll see how it goes next year, I suppose.

Build myself a personal website that isn’t on Tumblr and doesn’t suck. (I’m actually kind of getting really close to this? I took a development class and it kind of lit the flame under my ass to teach myself how to get a site in working order.)

Go to E3, Coachella, Bonnaroo, Ultra Music Festival, Ibiza in general, Gamescom,

5 things that make me happy:

electronic music (holy CRAP yes, even beyond the stuff that’s gotten popular with the EDM revolution we’ve seen the past few years; a lot of my favorite artists are either kinda low-key or otherwise popular but without real mainstream success to speak of)

my Things (special interests) / characters in media that I end up heavily identifying with for whatever reason

when I scream about things I like on Twitter and actually get acknowledged by the creators of said things

my family and my friends, both here at home and in Kentucky

writing and being able to express myself through a variety of different means

5 things I’m currently into:

Scud: the Disposable Assassin (Drywall is my goddamn SON I love him so much y’all)

Pickle and Peanut (h8rs make me famous)

Gorillaz and Damon Albarn in general (Humanz has rekindled my love for Blur and Plastic Beach in a significant way)

Titanfall 2 (I’m loyal robot companion trash and I want to play it pretty badly even though I’ve spoiled myself on the plot)

Samurai Jack (I’mma get caught up real soon, I think)

5 things on my to do list:

get my finals done

read some comic books

apply for some jobs?

see how to go about getting college credit for an internship I’m doing over the summer

eat

5 things people may not know about me:

I have an off-the-wall universe of fictional stories focused around a really unusual place called Greyson City living in my head. The Stuck trilogy (which is 100% mine) and the Sparks spinoff series (created by my best friend, but developed with my help) are the core bits that really sorta serve as the foundation for it, but high school really pounded my ability to commit to because it was almost impossible to invest myself in it without having an adverse effect on my performance in classes. I’m slowly but surely coming around to the concept of coming back to it, though.

I make music. After the whole Stuck thing slowed down I needed a new creative outlet that I could still invest myself in without exhausting my ability to focus on my schoolwork when need be, and I found that music was much easier for me to do so with; I was still stimulating myself by getting into it, but it never ate into my time enough to have a negative effect on me the way my writing unintentionally did. I’d like to think I’ve gotten much better at it as time has gone by, too; my work has helped my personal projects stand out in college and is present throughout the near entirety of an indie film our film club made at school.

I was kind of an aggressive jerk when I was a kid; one time I punched a kid in the face in first grade for cutting me in line. (I feel like a fundamental change in personality happened with me between 1st and 2nd, and since then I’ve kind of just been a Soft Boy™ like most know me as today.)

In relation to the last point, I was bullied pretty ruthlessly in my earlier years, particularly during the second half of elementary school. I wouldn’t go so far as to say my experiences were something I’d choose to make happen if I had the option, but I do credit them for helping me develop a sense of empathy I probably wouldn’t have had (or at least been able to outwardly show) otherwise.

I’m tagging @rocketverliden, @ovisiphorus and @electro-bolt, and anyone else is welcome to do it too if they please

#treman's world #holy HIT this ballooned into a hell of a post #y'all can't say I don't talk about myself now >:3 #about me

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rafespeaks · 8 years ago

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do the whole character meme for either red or silver. i dont care who just fuckjbgng do hte thign

WHY NOT BOTH???

Red

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with? Haha nope. He’s closest with his mother.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like? Always super loving! She was supportive of him from the very beginning, and he was always a mama’s boy!

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like? … we don’t talk about him here…

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know? Yes… Pretty much the whole region knows.

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets? A couple Pokeballs, a few Pokedollars, and maybe a Potion or smth.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams? He often dreams of things that happened in his memories. This can be with or without Mewtwo’s influence.

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares? He’s never really been scared of the kind of nightmare where there’s a boogeyman or monster or anything, but his friends/family/Pokemon getting hurt/dying will always leave him broken down and crying.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target? NOPE NU-UH NEVER AND HE WILL NEVER.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up? Sort of…? He became the champ and suddenly it was FAME AND FORTUNE. He doesn’t really like the fame, though, and he stockpiled pretty much all of that cash. It’s starting to run out, though.

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing? More clothing, though he doesn’t really like bundling up TOO thick. It takes a lot for him to step out without his favorite short-sleeved jacket. Unfortunately for him, Alola is H O T

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been? Hmm… Probably when he realized the Missingno would’ve cut through Pallet Town, before they called and made sure his mother was okay. He never really gets scared for himself, and he knows his Pokemon and Green can hold their own, but his mother… Arceus, he was terrified for her.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been? Any moment when he’s with Green and there’s absolutely nothing going on at the time.

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way? Blood from scrapes and cuts? Nah, not really. From abuse, though? And serious injuries? They make him feel sick to his stomach

Does your character remember names or faces easier? He remembers both fairly well, but names are a little easier for him.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not? Nope! He’s perfectly content with his friends, family, and Pokemon! Who needs a lot of stuff when the important thing is who you’d share it with?

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success? Happiness!

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child? Hmm… Do game systems count? If so, probably his N64 or Gameboy.

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others? Probably wisdom. He’s always looking to learn more, and he greatly respects anyone who can give him advice.

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before? HE IS SO OBLIVIOUS SOMETIMES……… And when he realizes there’s a conflict between him and his SO, he’s reluctant to face it head-on and would rather wait for his SO to come to him once they’ve calmed down. Hence the waiting for Green on Mt. Silver for six whole years

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism? He doesn’t really compare that much anymore, but when he does, it is based on how much knowledge they have. He does so only to better himself and seek out others’ viewpoints of the world.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others? It depends on the situation. Usually, he doesn’t really like to pin blame anywhere and would rather work at bettering whatever happened. If he did actually cause the event, he can feel pretty guilty, though this only serves to fuel his want to fix whatever went wrong.

What does your character like in other people? He likes passion! Anyone who has a strong sense of what they like and want is amazing to him! Bonus if they’re really caring and compassionate!

What does your character dislike in other people? He hates arrogance and a disregard for others’ well-being. Arrogance alone he can tolerate, but treating others like dirt is where he crosses the line.

How quick is your character to trust someone else? He is usually pretty quick to trust, especially if it’s a proven fact that they love Pokemon! He often finds that the strength of the person’s relationship with their Pokemon directly speaks to their character as a person.

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person? There usually has to be a fair bit of evidence against someone for him to get suspicious, ESPECIALLY if they’re someone he’s close to. However, there are some instances where his instinct kicks in and he can immediately tell something’s not quite right *cough*Faba*cough*

How does your character behave around children? He adores them! He’s always careful to be gentle and kind, and will even let them see/hold/play with his Pokemon!

How does your character normally deal with confrontation? He doesn’t like it. At all. Vocal confrontation, he tends to grow quiet unless he’d agitated enough. Physical confrontation, he WILL kick your ass if necessary. End of story.

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation? He is not quick at all to resort to violence and will only do so if there’s no other option. He’s much more quick to resort to a Pokemon battle.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true? He never really had long-term goals or a dream job or anything as a kid. He just wanted to spend all his time with Green and always looked forward to the next time they’d see each other again. After they started to grow apart, though, his goal eventually became the same as Professor Oak’s - completing the Pokedex! And he’s gotten some good progress on it, too!

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting? Disregard for others’ life/feelings.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable. Lounging at home with Green and all his (current 6) Pokemon around him.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable. Being left alone, with no Pokemon, in a pristine lab (like the Aether Foundation or the one on Cinnabar Island - scientists may be present and do not count towards being ‘alone’).

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve? He is 110% willing to improve, as long as the advice being given is valid!

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method? Hmm… He’d probably try the same method, but tweak it just enough to be ‘different’. Especially in Pokemon battles, so the slight change throws off his opponents.

How does your character behave around people they like? He is SOOO physically affectionate! Hand-holding, hugs, and he gets really smiley and giggly, too!

How does your character behave around people they dislike? He gets really quiet and the expression on his face turns very serious. If the person pisses him off enough, he won’t hesitate to shout and bring out his Pokemon for support.

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status? Hmm… Probably defending his honor. His status doesn’t really matter that much to him, as long as he is doing what is right.

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat? He would remove the problem/threat, definitely. Especially if other people are on the line. He tends to be a bit reckless when it comes to his own well-being.

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)? I can totally see him being bitten by a Pokemon, whether it was wild or freshly caught. Mewtwo probably would’ve done this, but they’re not much of a biter. He wouldn’t be very affected, though. Maybe a bit more wary towards that particular individual, but overall unfazed.

How does your character treat people in service jobs? He is always polite and makes sure to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ often.

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first? He completely believes that if you want something it has to be earned, whether it is something physical or not.

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them? Professor Oak. And also Charizard and Mewtwo, to a degree, though they’d be more like siblings to him.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them? ALL HIS POKEMON… Other than that… not really? I mean, he and Green took care of ZZAZZ and Jacred for a little while, but they didn’t exactly stick around.

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it? It’s very easy for him to say ‘I love you’ once he realizes his feelings, oblivious as he is. He’ll even say it platonically from time to time. He won’t say it without meaning it, though. If he says he loves you, he really does care.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them? Hmm… I don’t really give this much thought for any of my muses. As far as the real world is concerned, he lives in Japan, so he’d be familiar with Shinto and Buddhism, but I think he’d really be agnostic. Sure, there’s plenty of proof of some people and Pokemon coming back as Ghost-type Pokemon, but that can’t happen to all of them. Otherwise, the world would be overrun with Ghost-types! And what happens to Ghost-types? Do they get reincarnated? Or do their spirits disappear forever? Whatever happens, he’s not really too worried about it. Mostly, he concerns himself with what good he does while he’s alive.

Silver

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with? No, he doesn’t have any family members in his age group, really. And as for who he’s closest with, not counting Pokemon, it would be Giovanni.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like? Ariana was always the stricter parent of the two. Silver respected her, and even feared her a little... But after he found out about his parents’ roles in Team Rocket, he grew to hate her. Especially when she revived the criminal organization. Nowadays, he doesn’t give a flying fuck about his mother, and as far as he’s concerned, he has no mother.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like? He and Giovanni were always fairly close, even when he was a child. Unfortunately, Silver’s faith in and love for his father was seriously shaken when he started spending more time managing Team Rocket than caring for his son. Since meeting up again, much of his hurt has been healed, but things are still a little shaky between them sometimes.

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know? Yes and yes. He first connected the dots about his parents being in Team Rocket when he saw a police report on the organization. Ever since then, he was never quite the same.

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets? What little cash he has on him, his communicator, a small swiss army knife, and his Pokeballs.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams? He doesn’t really dream often enough to have recurring themes.

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares? Either not being able to help someone or him hurting someone he cares about.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target? No, he has not fired a gun. But he’d definitely be the type of person to practice with one and carry one around for safety.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up? Kind of... His parents had plenty of money, though they tried not to spoil him. But once he ran away, he was constantly struggling and never had much money. Even now, when he’s living with his father again, he’s pretty strapped for cash and doesn’t want any unnecessary assistance from his father.

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing? More clothing, definitely. The more layers, the better, as long as it’s not too hot out.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been? Hmm... Probably when he nearly got crushed by a falling tree in the middle of a thunderstorm.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been? Probably... sitting on the couch, reading, with Persian laying over his lap and Weavile sitting beside him.

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way? Blood doesn’t really phase Silver. Especially not his own blood. When he sees blood on himself, he immediately takes stock and cleans himself up as fast as possible. Other people freaking out at the sight of blood would make him roll his eyes, but if the blood belongs to his Pokemon or someone he cares about, he’s much more anxious about it.

Does your character remember names or faces easier? Probably faces... though his mind’s really sharp when it comes to that sort of thing.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not? Only as far as surviving goes. Once he has what he needs, he doesn’t really care about material stuff. He sees it as trivial and unnecessary. The only exceptions are his comfort item (his Persian plush) and gifts from people he cares about.

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success? Happiness... though if you asked him, he’d deny it for fear of being seen as sappy.

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child? That’s easy! His Persian plush!

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others? To be perfectly honest...? Ambition. Wisdom is all well and good, but he can’t stand it when people sound like they’re talking down to him and preaching about the things they know.

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before? He can be fairly overprotective... especially if he knows/thinks his S/O is vulnerable at the moment. As an extention, he never really puts himself first, especially in dangerous situations. He also doesn’t tend to contribute to choices like where to go on a date, what to eat, etc. simply because he doesn’t care about little choices like that. It can be REALLY frustrating, but it hasn’t ruined any relationships for him. (As a bonus flaw, he can be REALLY blunt with facts and his personal opinions.)

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism? He tends to compare his strength to others a lot, both for validation and self-criticism. He’s determined to be a strong trainer who can stand on his own two feet. Unfortunately, he often gets stuck on comparing himself to those stronger than him. Especially Ethan. When this happens, he can get fairly angry, and somewhat depressive on occasion - like no matter how hard he trains, he’s not getting anywhere and will never be good enough for his own standards.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others? He likes to blame others, especially in public. But when he’s on his own, he can get pretty down on himself.

What does your character like in other people? He likes independence and strength. He greatly respects people who can hold their own in a Pokemon battle

What does your character dislike in other people? Weakness of any kind. Timidness, grouping for ‘strength’ in numbers when individually none of them are strong, submissiveness, sympathy for those he feels ‘don’t deserve it’, etc... (He’s much more lenient on this now, especially physical weakness due to an illness or weakness in battle due to inexperience, but it still annoys him.)

How quick is your character to trust someone else? He is probably the LEAST trusting of all my muses/OCs. It borders on paranoia, really.

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person? Everyone is suspect unless he’s close with them. It takes ages for him to open up, so if anyone accuses someone he’s close to of doing something bad, the accuser better prepare for a fist to the face because fuck you they’d never do such a thing.

How does your character behave around children? He stays WAAAY out of their way, if he can. If he can’t, he’s an awkward mess. He’d be one of those ‘all kids are the devil except mine’ parents.

How does your character normally deal with confrontation? Either he SPEED WALKS the other way, or he charges straight in, ready to kick ass. On the rare occasions he can’t fight OR flee, he’s almost like a cornered animal. Don’t touch him - he WILL hurt you.

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation? Very quick. You got a problem with him? And you bug him enough? He’ll rip your goddamn head off.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true? Hmm... I kind of get the feeling he’d want to work with feline Pokemon, even at a young age. And of course, his father’s a gym leader, so that always used to seem very possible to him. Unfortunately, by the time he ran away, he was so jaded to absolutely everything that being a great trainer seemed like the only viable option for him. And of course, he’s really only an adequate trainer... so that only served to make him feel worse about... well, pretty much everything in his life by that point.

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting? Weak people hiding behind others and using them to do their dirty work. He can’t STAND that... Also, he absolutely HATES people treating the homeless and children badly. If he sees that shit, he WILL fuck you up.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable. Spending some quiet time at home, especially with Persian and his Pokemon. Ethan and Lyra being there is a bonus, as long as things stay calm and quiet.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable. He doesn’t really get uncomfortable easily, but... hmm... Probably being around a group of police officers. The more there are, the worse it is. And if his father is with him, he’ll be INTERNALLY SCREAMING THE ENTIRE TIME.........

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve? Silver is VERY defensive when criticized... though he’s trying hard to change that.

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method? Oftentimes, Silver couldn’t afford to keep trying the same thing over and over again despite failures... so he tends to move on immediately.

How does your character behave around people they like? He’s much less abrasive and does his best to take their feelings into consideration. He smiles more, his body language is more open, and he’ll generally just... want to hang around them, even if they’re not really talking or DOING anything. Long story short: he a cat.

How does your character behave around people they dislike? He will NOT stick around if he doesn’t have to. His word choice is crueler, he scowls a lot, his hands stay in his pockets, and his hair often gets in his face because he’d rather not bother removing his hand from his pocket to fix it.

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status? Well... he really doesn’t give two shits about either honor or his status. All he cares about is the opinions of those he cares about and whether or not he can support himself and his Pokemon.

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat? Erm... I’m gonna have to say it depends. If he thinks he can manage it or he’s angry enough, he will absolutely try to handle it himself. If not, he will turn around and walk the other way.

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)? I can guarantee you that at least one Pokemon has bitten him. He would’ve sworn and sicced his own Pokemon on them, or even attacked them himself if he had no other choice. He didn’t survive alone with no home for six years without learning how to defend himself, after all. Also, this would’ve contributed to his distrust of unfamiliar Pokemon.

How does your character treat people in service jobs? He ignores them for the most part. They give him what he wants, he gives them cash, and they never see each other again. No reason to be especially nice or antagonistic.

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first? In all honesty, he kind of does feel a little entitled to the things he wants, because he’s had a pretty hard life and he never really wants anything too unreasonable. He’s worked hard as a Pokemon trainer, even if he is mediocre, so why shouldn’t he be able to earn enough money to feed himself? He’s worked his ass off ever since he left home, he’s earned a little peace goddamn it.

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them? Yes. Persian and Weavile both.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them? Um... do his Pokemon count...? I’m gonna say they do. Especially in Litten and Meowth’s cases.

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it? It is EXTREMELY difficult for Silver to say “I love you”. He doesn’t really tend to vocalize his positive feelings at all. He has to be thinking about it for it to happen. And “I love you” in particular is so romanticized, he’d easily get flustered and nervous about saying it to those he cares about (at least at first - it’s easier with his father b/c he’s said it ever since he was young). Another part to this, though, is that he was really hurt by his parents’ choice of Team Rocket being more important than their own son. As a result, it’s extremely hard for him to trust people enough to say something that intimate. He’d NEVER say it without meaning it, because why would he?

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them? He’s completely atheist. He doesn’t believe in any kind of god or afterlife, and though reincarnation is somewhat proven with some Ghost-type Pokemon, he doesn’t believe that happens to everyone. In fact, he sort of HOPES you just disappear into nothingness after death because he’s just that sick of life’s hardships.

#trainer red #trainer silver #turbomun #Ask

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seriesfoundation · 4 years ago

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5 Reasons Why Silence is a Source of Great Strength

Tomi Rues

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Recently, I was reading a Jack Reacher novel and I noticed how many times in a conversation he would answer with silence. It was powerful. Often the other person would offer more information or would quickly get the answer he or she needed in the silence that met the question.

According to Carolyn Ellis, “When used with intention and purpose, silence is a communication superpower.”

For some people, silence comes naturally. These fortunate individuals know the power of silence and they are comfortable in that silence. There are quite a few of us who need to learn the art of practicing silence. Read on for more reasons to try silence in your daily communications.

1. Silence gets people’s attention

If you have ever been in a classroom or in a group situation you have most likely experienced how silence often gets everyone’s attention. If the teacher or presenter is talking away the listeners’ minds might start to wander. When the speaker stops talking a signal goes to the brain that something has happened. All of the sudden you pay attention to try and figure out why communication has stopped. The same is true in our daily conversations. If we are silent, people take note and we gain their attention.

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2. Silence can be an obvious answer

Sometimes when we communicate we say too much. We over-explain. If a question is met with silence, there is often an answer in that silence. We can also soften the blow of a negative answer by silence being the response. There is an implied “no” without any harsh words or too many words that might do more harm than good. Another example is when someone says something we don’t agree with or find offensive. If we are silent, we send a powerful message that communicates that we don’t agree or are not going along with what someone is saying.

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3. Silence uses nonverbal language

Often our nonverbal language is a more powerful way of communicating than our verbal language.

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According to HelpGuide.org, “It’s important to recognize, though, that it’s our nonverbal communication – our facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, posture, and ton of voice – that speaks the loudest. The ability to understand and use nonverbal communication, or body language, is a powerful tool that can help you connect with others, express what you really mean, and build better relationships.”

4. Silence offers empathy to others

There are times in life where silence offers empathy and understanding to others. Sometimes we don’t have the right words to communicate to someone who is struggling with a hurtful or sorrowful situation. We can show someone we care and we are there for them without using a plethora of words. We can offer comfort by our calming silence.

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5. Silence is polite

We live in a society where we are constantly being barraged by noise and messages. From radio broadcasts, news channels, music in elevators, stores, and most businesses, to the rings of our phones, to the constant chatter of people around us. We often feel with so much going on we don’t have enough time to communicate what we need to communicate. We are fighting with so many other sources of noise. When we do get the chance to talk we usually feel like we have to cram every thought into a short span of time. However, when we are silent we give others a chance to speak. We show them that they matter.

In conclusion, we can be effective communicators by utilizing our ability to be silent. There is great strength in silence. Now, we just need to keep practicing. Like the old adages go practice makes perfect and silence is golden.

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Last Updated on June 26, 2020

10 Things To Remember When Everything Goes Wrong

Amy Morin

A psychotherapist, psychology instructor, keynote speaker, and the author of the bestselling book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do Read full profile

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Problems and heartaches in life are inevitable. However, there are some things to remember when you’re right in the thick of it that can help you get through it. When everything seems to be going wrong, practice telling yourself these things.

1. This Too Shall Pass

Sometimes life’s rough patches feel like they’re going to last forever. Whether you’re dealing with work-related issues, family problems, or stressful situations, very few problems last for a lifetime. So remind yourself, that things won’t be this bad forever.

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2. Some Things are Going Right

When things are going wrong, it’s hard to recognize what is going right. It’s easy to screen out the good things and only focus on the bad things. Remind yourself that some things are going right. Purposely look for the positive, even if it is something very small.

3. I Have Some Control

One of the most most important things to remember is that you have some control of the situation. Even if you aren’t in complete control of the situation, one thing you can always control is your attitude and reaction. Focus on managing what is within your control.

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4. I Can Ask for Help

Asking for help can be hard sometimes. However, it’s one of the best ways to deal with tough situations. Tell people what you need specifically if they offer to help. Don’t be afraid to call on friends and family and ask them for help, whether you need financial assistance, emotional support, or practical help.

5. Much of This Won’t Matter in a Few Years

Most of the problems we worry about today won’t actually matter five years from now. Remind yourself that whatever is going wrong now is only a small percentage of your actual life. Even if you’re dealing with a major problem, like a loved one’s illness, remember that a lot of good things are likely to happen in the course of a year or two as well.

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6. I Can Handle This

A lack of confidence in handling tough times can add to stress. One of the best things to remember is that you can handle tough situations. Even though you might feel angry, hurt, disappointed, or sad, it won’t kill you. You can get through it.

7. Something Good Will Come Out of This

No matter how bad a situation is, it’s almost certain that something good will come out of it. At the very least, it’s likely that you will learn a life lesson. Perhaps you learn not to repeat the same mistake in the future or maybe you move on from a bad situation and find something better. Look for the one good thing that can result when bad things happen.

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thegoldenguard · 7 years ago

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Booty Bay, Stranglethorn Vale

Katyr hummed thoughtfully as he swirled his glass around in his hand. The amber liquid of the booze that they had been given by the 'interesting' barkeep that he had been introduced to another time. Thankfully the man and his woman had gone off to deal with other customers and things leaving the two elves to discuss their business in peace and private. "So, I'm glad you agreed since most of this is way out of my league. You know how I do things, I like simple." Katyr explained griping to Bel while sipping at the liquor. "So let's just start out with the basics I guess, Lordly type wants us to build and run a private company that deals in all manner of business a lot of it though is going to have some fighting or muscle required." Katyr explained with a sigh, scratching his cheek as he looked across the table to see how she would react to all of this.

"But having information and knowing how to use it was also made rather important so you came to mind almost immediately." He ended with, going back to nursing his drink while gauging how Bel would react.

Belindra sat across from Katyr, a glass of wine in hand. She had that air of stoic faux-nobility, legs cross, back straight, never averting her gaze from her friend. As he finished what he was saying, the raven haired woman lets out a small hum. "So, some merchant friends of your's blackmailed you into starting a mercenary company." She pauses to take a sip of her wine, her face twisting a bit from the taste. She was used to... finer wine rather than the kind served at Booty Bay. "I mean, we -could- go the alternate route and have me take care of them for you, but then you'd just be indebted to me and we'd be back to square one." Once more, she pauses, shifting her legs. "You know, I've actually been looking into getting into more... legitmate business."

"I mean, you could most certainly try that route but they've taken on big fish before and these guys don't mess around. Tyrael might be easy on his own but he's got that dog of war in his corner at all times and he's the one you don't want to fuck with." Katyr shook his head, as he sat back as well. He laughed a bit at Bel's simple sort of outlook on the situation. "And its only legitimate because the gold comes from someone who can pay to make things legit. I think we'll find our fair share of illegal activities happening. That's why I came to you after all."

Katyr winked, grinning around his drink before scratching at his stubbled cheek. The oddity among his kind wearing facial hair and even sporting hair on his arms and coming from under his shirt he was wearing.

"You say that like I haven't handled bigger threats before." Bel says, chuckling as she takes a sip of wine. "If only my missions weren't classified, I could tell you stories, my friend. Oooooh so many stories. But, yes, I do think what you're proposing is an interesting idea. One I can certainly throw my weight behind, if only to procure more contacts for my own business. Why, we could even use the Smashed Cauldron as our base. Light knows I could use some somewhat positive business there. Or even procure an outpost here, after all, Booty Bay is quite possibly the easiest city to bribe in all of Azeroth..."

Katyr hummed quietly as he shrugged a bit, "We could, but we also have the Firehawk Estate as our base of operations as well. I think we should split some of what we do so we can multi-task getting things up and running. Know anyone who might want to help us with some of this... Paperwork?" Katyr muttered with a sigh as he thought about all of that before considering the other thign she said. "As for Booty Bay, we have a base here more or less as well. Though that depends on how you feel about humans." Katyr asked with a raised eyebrow as he eyed the barkeep, who had gone back to the bar and was smoking his pipe while talking to a customer.

"Humans are as useful as any race. -That's- what I care about. As for paperwork... NO one comes to mind. I have my own book keepers, but I'd prefer not using them lest they become distracted and miss something. And as much as this venture may be fun, it won't eat into my own business." She smirked as she took a sip of wine. "I see nothing wrong with decentralization, though. Divide and conquer and all that military jargon."

Katyr snorted as he shook his head, "You're a real piece of work sometimes." He stated before sighing a bit as he tried to conjure up some names for someone who was good at those things before shrugging. "Well then if that's the case, this tavern the Legion's End is owned by a human, or a group of them its hard to say honestly, and he's a smuggler of good skill enough to get jobs from the Cartel and keep this place running. So we have that going for us. Alongside the Firehawk place and then yours the only real thing left is... People." Katyr gave her a deadpan expression before trying a usual quip for him.

"Maybe if you spread your legs for everyone we can recruit people quickly before they realize what happened!"

Bel makes a quick gesture with her hand. As she did a small knife whizzed past Katyr's head, embeding itself in the booth behind him. "You say that like I'm a common street whore. You're well aware of my preferences and proclivities. Regardless, I can handle people, it's my area of expertise. IN fact, I already know a few I could recruit. As long as you're alright with one of them being a confirmed rapist and the other... Well, let's say the other one is rather... scaley at times." October 23, 2017

"You know how I am about the dark side of the world. It exists and I'll beat anyone up who tries nonsense in my presence, as will a lot of folk. But I won't turn away able-bodied individuals especially those with talent." Katyr hadn't really reacted at the knife, knowing Bel to be the type to bluster a bit from their time as friends. "And yes I'm well aware, learn to take a joke friend! Gosh, years you've known me and yet you still can't handle me making loose sexual jokes." Katyr sighed unhappily before pointing at the barkeep.

"He's named Silver, he's the owner and the smuggler. There are others who I can contact and ask about helping. But he's going to be a good guy to have helping us if we use this place as a point of reference and pick up. We can then also use your place in Silvermoon and then the Firehawk Estate since its a small port of its own these days."

"And you know me well enough to know that's a bit of sore issue. Most of my rivals will seek any possible excuse to discredit me and -that's- what they usually settle on first." She pauses before bringing her glass to lips and finishing off the glass. "I'll talk to them, see if I can have the one keep it in her pants. And I'm well aware of who Silver is. We've had dealings in the past. Wasn't ever face to face, though. Mostly proxies. You know how the business is run."

Katyr shrugged only knowing about such things because he talked to people of that caliber. He himself wasn't the type to partake of many of these underworld dealings himself he just was a well experienced traveler. "Yes yes. You need to grow a stronger pair you know, if you want to get any bigger." He teased with a wink before relaxing and shrugging at her, his ears tilting towards the sudden sound of laughter before relaxing again.

"I guess now we just need to go and get these folk together and start gathering them all. Should we set a meeting date again later?"

Belindra shrugged. "It's less that I'm offended by it and more pissed because the simpletons can't think up anything better than 'That woman likes -other- women! How weird!'. It's quite tiresome." She shifts in her seat, finally uncrossing her legs. "I suppose we should. I'll let you know when I've procured my recurits. Though, that does leave one question: What is the name of this venture? After all, without an evocative name, we're dead in the water." October 25, 2017

"Name I've gotten squared away along with a lot of the entry details I guess. Well many of them were given to me this way." Katyr chuckled as he shook his head, "Let's not complain too much we are getting paid quite a hefty sum. Speaking of..." Katyr sighed and waved over at the bar at which point the man there came over. He brought with him a large sack of gold which he set in front of Belindra while sitting at the table between the two. "Afternoon. Silver, nice to meet ya both. Gonna be helpin' I heard. But also gonna be a lot of the money guy."

Katyr sighed again and Silver winked. "I'm good at movin' gold so that's why I get to do it. Anyway here's your early salaray bonus. Think of it as an incentive I guess." Silver told Belindra with a grin.

As the bag of gold hit the table, Belindras hand immediately dug into grabbing a few coins from the bottom, pulling them up and inspecting them throughly with a keen eye for forgery. Content with the fact they were legitimate, the woman looks up at Silver and finally replies: "Pleasure finally doing business face to face, Silver." She pockets the coins as she turns back to to Katyr, "You have the name ready but aren't telling me? This bodes well..." she says, rolling a coin over her knuckles.

"Nah his little pea brain is dealin' with me showing up like this." Silver chuckled as he shrugged winking at Katyr before lounging back in his chair while the male elf groaned to himself and banging his head on the table before picking his head back up.

"God you're a piece of shit, Silver. Anyway no the name is Goldenguard Company but as Silver said had nothing to do with that and more to do with him being a noisy asshole." Katyr grinned at Bel to see how she'd feel about that.

"Noisy eh? You can be just as noisy where's lover boy, Alaric eh? You'd be trying to get in his pants like nobody's business." October 26, 2017

"Goldenguard Company," Belindra repeats, still flipping the coin over knuckles. "Goldenguard Company... I like it. Has an offical ring to it. Definately a good name that gives legitimacy. Much better than some of them names I heard proposed fro such groups. Gods, the amount of Orcish Merc groups that contain some combination of Blood, Axe, Scream, and Clan is downright -embarrasing..."

"I hear you on that," Katyr remarked, shrugging off Silver's antics as he considered her statement. "Take your time on picking up some folk and I'll work on putting together a quick set of jobs for them and such. Sound like a plan then I guess?" Katyr asked with a tilt of his head all but ignoring Silver who seemed fine with being ignored, at least right now. He was enjoying watching the two elves try and figure out what they were going to do about this deal they were being handed by his name-sake up north. The smuggler found this situation far too amusing to pass up not watching.

The rogueish woman opts to change her minor fidging, instead idly flipping the coin into the air instead of rolling it. "Sounds good to me. Like I said, I already have a few recruits in mind so the sooner I talk them into a truce and you pull together some jobs, the better. That said, I'm looking forward to working with the both of you." She states as she extends both hands toward Silver and Katyr. Curiously, the coin she had been flipping not a second ago is nowhere to be seen. Sneaky.

Both men turned their eyes to each other and snorted as Silver began to laugh after it. "Aye, it'll be fun workin' with you as well! Just don't let the fellas in Eversong give you too much trouble. They are the real roughnecks." Silver told Bel with a wink as he pushed off from the table to get back to work at the tavern. He was still the barkeep today and that meant he had work to do. Katyr for his part just sighed as he cracked his neck. "Well I'm off back to Kalimdor for a bit then I'll be back in Eversong. I'll come find you then?"

"You say that I don't deal with them multiple times per day as is!" Belindra says to Silver as he begins walking away. With that she turns back to Katyr, "I shall meet you there, partner." She simply says before her gaze returns to that sack of gold. "So, we splitting this or...?"

"No, that is your wage. Mine is just as much. Everyone basically gets paid about the same. Our bosses are rich, I told you they were nuts." He told Bel wondering if she would start to see what he meant by that and what they were dealing with as he got up, his hand going for his pack at the floor to shoulder it.

"No shit?" She says, gaze still locked on the bag. "This is a gold laundering scheme, isn't it?" She shrugs, taking the bag placing it in her own pack. "I suppose it doesn't matter. Gold's gold, plus, this entire thing can be used to further my own business..." In a quick blur of motion, Bel was standing, bag across her shoulder, the quick blur of motion seemed unnaturally fast. "I'll see you in Eversong here soon, then?"

"As far I have seen these guys are the furthest thing from a laundering operation. They look like they've fought more wars than some Orcs I've seen." Katyr murmured somberly and in a somewhat serious tone before shrugging. "That depends if I find a mage to help me get across the sea fast or if I'm daring enough to use a goblin or gnomish device beyond a Zepplin. So we'll see. I have a sneaking suspicion it'll be soon though." Katyr told her with a hum as he started for the door.

"And the other boss, Tyrael, he used to be a lord in Silvermoon but after the Scourge invaded he secluded himself in Eversong at his Estate and went into the merchant and real estate business. He's got really old money."

Bel didn't reply immediately, instead standing by the table and placing a few gold pieces on the table. A tip for some lucky barwench. However, as Katyr opened the door and stepped outside, Bel was leaning against the wall next to the door. "I know they types. I've bilked a -lot- of coin from them in the past." She nonchalantly says.

"Tyrael? I'm sure. The others? Maybe not. But we'll see! Anyway, I'll be catching my ride so I'll be seeing you Bel!" Katyr stated with a wave before disappearing into the crowds of the Booty Bay docks that surrounded the Legion's End tavern.

The raven haired woman watched as he slinto the crowd, disappearing. It wasn't much longer she, herself, was gone in the blink of an eye, returning home to do some prperations of her own.

#ic #story #rp #warcraft #world of warcraft #wow #guild story #guild recruitment #rp recruitment #story start

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idksheepthoughts · 7 years ago

Text

RE: Conversation points...

1. Yes because I feel responsible for all misfortune because I am a demon within a human and the more humans I trick into being close to me and manipulate and have these powers to just make people tend to like me somehow??? Because idk what I did to obtain this power, perhaps it is Fel who is inside of me a demon and therefore just have always had this ability to get people to keep talking to me just by continued contact until they realize I am too toxic and then they leave?? I also just absorb any negative emotions from people I let in. I just do ??? But when I ignore shit you start getting guilt trippy that nobody interacts??? am I supposed to be upset or am I supposed to just accept that you’re experiencing emotions???? LIKE I don’t know???

2. Because people have unfriended me or blocked me etc before and we’ve continued like nothing happen until I noticed it. People are fake, people are always fake and lie to me. Its why I have trust issues. Its why im paranoid always and I just can’t ever tell if people are just taking advantage of me or not. It was an accident but still just like.. maybe tell me it accidently happen so I dont fucking explode like this in the future??? NAH???? just gonna let this sit and wait for me to find out and have me explode and be angry ????? maybe if you followed me you would know that this shit happen recently and maybe that i would connect those two things as being similar??? byut oh wait i dont really talk about my problems that much with you because ... what was it???? idk we mostly just bullshit around in our conversation and I try to fumble my way through trying to help or whatever the hell you want out of this friendship... idk anymore.

3. I was really intoxicated and it was hard to process so many words all at once while I was splitting on you and hating your entire guts at that very moment. Black and white thinking is a trait. I realize that it happens and i even said I’m splitting really early on in the conversation. So take things with a grain of salt. AGAIN trust issues and irrational thought patterns.

4. Was that not what I was doing at the very beginning of the conversation???? BUT you always respond in such a sarcastic hateful bitchy tone every fucking time i even ask a damn question. all your lol and lmao and shit. MAYBE IF YOU just told me ‘oh it was an accident my bad.’ in teh first place we wouldn’t fucking fight all the fucking time??? LIKE the way you rrespond just leads me to believe you dont give a shit. and i know you dont give a shit and i know this isn’t me assuming because you cause you just respond like a fucking sarcastic mean person all the time all the fucking time all the fucking time all the fucking time all the god dman time you always do that always always always and it doesn’t help me want to be calm and shit. It makes me punch desk and almost a hole in the wall . desk is solid i can punch that over and over until my kunuckles bleed. which guess what i was doing while we had this convo. not that youll ever find this shit. and if you do HELLO (:

5. It wouldn’t be a problem???? well clearly it is. again if you followed me or if you even knew me better you would know that being imagined or not abandoned in any from sends me into episodes!!!!!! and yeah i mentioned a lot of people because those people have been there for me. and i’m glad they are still fucking alive because everyone i fucking am close with seems to be just as damn suicidal as I am and wanting to die and could attempt at any time and I just wanted to do something nice for once and try and just ... idk ????????? and the fact that you responded how you did on twitter after i did that made me really upset. because all i wanted to do was be thankful for the people. which was the whole fucking point of the post.... like DAMN way to twist soemthing positive into something that would explode and escalate. perhaps it is my broken brain that does this but still...... you could have just idk ... thrown a like and been like thanks. no you make everything about you YOU YOU. how you dont have friends???? I’M SORRY i tried helping but nothing i said worked. So just keep trying?????? if you really wanted some friends use tinder and get fuckbois all damn day they are easily manipulated and you could just get fucked like you want and have someone. it wouldn’t be a good relatiosnhip like you want but it would probably fufill basic shit. But nah that be too easy. I always think to just suggest that. but it probably end up with you just... not following through and whatever. im off topic.

6. Trust issues, yes , paranoid??? yes, distorted sense of reality??? Easily fuck up interpersonal relationships because of disorders??? think so... I am fully aware that these behaviors are bad. I know its not good to do these thigns but also I can’t stop it?????? I can’t stop it without actually knowing how to stop it??? and that would require money? access to treatment. which i’ve told you tons of time to do and take advantage of while you are still covered by your fucking parents and school and all that shit because i didn’t when i was younger and now im more fucked up then ever (: (: (: (:

7. Yeah you have to hold my hand... i’m just fucking stupid, and need extra stuff. I’M NOT LIKE YOU AND I CAN’T perceive things easily. you have to just be blunt and explain things because I just need that to understand. ???? is that so burdensome???? that I just need to have things explained over and over. Sorry.......

8. I am grateful???? that was the whole point of the thing???????? of thanking people for being alive and putting up with my awful mess???? Side note. lmfao you are not capable of murder. I love that expression you cry when you’re angry you woudln’t be able to kill someone. I however fucking have.... whatever thinking too much. saying too much saying too much. it was self defense dont worry.

9. I dont think your life is dandy??? I know its hard! but what the fuck do i say??? I’m sorry your life is shitty, I know it sucks but please dont die? i’ve said that a lot before.... im a broken record that you seem to not like that all i say is the same things over and over????? I dont have a super fucking positive outlook i might actually kill myself sometime after the new year. I dont believe everything will be alright if you try your hardest. but i can sure as fuck lie and tell you exactly that. but when i dont believe it myself its hard to keep that lie going. (: (: I know i told you i was proud of you for going to counselling that one time but as far as I know you haven’t followed up on that... like i never know how to give you affirmation that you are trying. Clearly you are. you are going to school and even managed to get a job too! you are trying very hard. and i noticed that but i guess i didn’t show it. Sorry im bad. i’m the worst.

10. your defining personality trait that makes me split really hard. I get that I should just have thicker skin. But I just don’t.... just whatever you wont change that aspect.

11. Schizophrenia..... Delusions?? yup.. pretty sure thats a symptom?? Unlike me you dont have that problem with you brain. congrats another way to belittle me for being alive. but also like you can be irrational as you want. I just wont keep i guess whatever trying to argue and be the rational voice anymore. you believe what you want im done trying to help. i can’t help i can’t help at all.

12 sorry... i’m a horrible friend. You should have just fuckign left already... all I do is ruin everything. I’m better off dead.

#personal #replying to something nobody will ever see #schizophrenia #bpd #actuallyborderline #mental illness #if you dont understand this refer to my first post #thoughts #im a shit person #i should die #suicidal #talking to myself to order my thoughts i guess

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ellerevelle · 7 years ago

Text

copy paste journal entry 4

one year later

October 20th, 2016

im jealous

when you seem fine to go to a party, when it comes across that you dont "need" me to go with you,

when i try to find you at a show but you had a fine time on your own regardless of my presence,

that people recognize you

that you make amazing music and are constantly having ideas and writing

and people want to be a part of it like taylor and ida and its a talking point and something to have in common with people

im jealous. that you are confident in your abilities at work, that youve found your creative outlet and feel the desire to work on it all the time, that you know people in this town and people know you. that youre comfortable in your humor and your tastes and how you dress and you know your way around town and know where things are and just...

you seem to have it together and i'm jealous, and taking out that jealousy on you because i'm not there, and im just scared. and i tell you all the time how i feel and... you dont really express as accutely when youre down or blue, you zen it out or just carry on with the casual day. and i'm not really on that level, not yet or maybe i'll never handle things the way you do.

but that doesnt mean its fair that i make you feel like youre never doing enough. i'm setting a christmas list of expectations because... im jealous of you and your "fine"ness. i want you to feel so fine, above fine, that youre able to scoop me up and teach me that all the shit im freaking myself out with isnt real.

but then, youre a human. and maybe you seem fine to me, but inside youve got all the same swirlings of doubt and fear. and now im adding to it by what looks to you as blowing things out of proportion. and from my side youre downplaying.

so what do we do. i wish you'd share more. i feel less lonely if i know youre going through stuff too. but... what if thats not your style? what if you dont like talking about the down stuff because it gives it more fuel in your mind? i feel like that sometimes too. like the more i talk about bad stuff... well, the more im thinking about it and feeling it and its then all i can think about. i understand why you zen things out with music or moto, and where the stress comes in when either of those things arent working out as planned.

i wanted to see you at that show because im worried we dont have a whole lot in common. but when we touch or laugh or smile at each other and bop, we lose pretenses and just enjoy the moment. very present. at least thats how it is for me, and thought for you, so when you were indifferent after the show i felt a bit shattered. i thought i was setting up a great chance to connect, but failed. and had already felt like a failure for not going to that party. for not progressing at barre. for not hearing anything about my resume. for just... not being a real Person in Austin the way youre a real Person.

I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough, not sharp enough with wit or jokes, I dont even have the prowess of cooking to impress you with now that youre doing it solo (which I'm so fucking proud of you btw but definitely kinda miss having that gold star) and I want to still cook together, to feel like its a date and not a chore.

I love that you asked me about my collages for your album cover, and that you vented to me the other day about work. I love to see you confident about moto parts, or at least confident about learning them. but then if ever a glimmer of money or time comes in, doubt soaks its way through, your voice changes into a drained man.

cant sleep in because today needs to be 8 hours to pay for the recording session, that barely 12 hours ago was a great thing! but now its a chore? fuck, man.

I dont want to be another chore. I want you to see me ... as a cleansing of the chore. or someone to work things through with. or even do literal chores with.

I've lost my train of thought intention ...

and i think back to when you talked to me about struggling with depression when you were younger

and you seem to have compartmentalized it so much. i talk about my shit all the time, how it strings together and lingers sometimes. echoes. old bruises.. that sort of thing.

but you allude to having attempted suicide before, which is huge... and to therapy, did you even tell me you went to a rehab thing? and yet like... it doesnt come up. which i respect, but... i duno. i want to know more. even your divorce, you never ever talk about it. about the past. you hardly talk about the past and thats ALL thats on my mind these days in my own world.

is it to cope?

we're such different people, I fear.

I am so very proud of my past, shit and all. I hate it but I wear it and all the emotions that come along very boldly and probably too obviously. at least until I can figure them out better.

i just lost the most reassuring presence in my life. even when it was bullshit grandiose lies, shed reassure me. "ill never be as pretty as so and so" "you hush youre the most beautiful girl in the world"

even though she and i lost our relationship over time, that way, i still wasnt ready to lose that soother. that teacher. that support.

ive always looked for reassuring people. teachers bosses, even the nod of someone flirting with me was (in my dilluded mind) reassurance i was doing something right.

so when youre confident. when YOU have plans. when YOU have vision, and I dont... I want to see myself in your voice. I want to hear you want me there. I dont assume it. I assume that youre fine either way. which in reality i know you are. but ... i can think im special til the cows come home, but im still alone. but if YOU think im special... If i matter to your day... if confident YOU sees something in ME. then i remember to see something in ME. its just the right momentum to get me out away from the devil on my shoulder telling me im worthless.

now that sounds codependent. fuck.

i just... why do i feel alone even when were together? because you sit there doing life any old way, with me or without. makes no difference. do i have to get used to that?

i guess just... i want a bold force. bolder than myself. i want a leader. someone whos strength reminds me of my own. reminds me to have fun with this life.

and a lot of the time i just feel like you need to be single.

not to be with other women, but just to be with yourself. to stretch your limbs and be a man of this world and do your projects and just... be. without another person around.

because i need you. and i dont really think you like it. when im complaining or saying you did this wrong or that not enough or why didnt you this that this that... its because i need you and ... yea. whatever you were thinking or not thinking, wasnt enough. or was wrong. in my book.

my anxiety makes things you think are irrational completely and utterly real to me. normal life things, every day things that every one goes through and deals with become gigantic make-or-break moments. i cant deny that a lot of that is due to the recent trauma of mom's addiction, various times i had the choice to call 911 and didnt... literal make or break things that i fucked up. and also with moving away from philly. leaving thigns that seemed blah, but now that im away i wonder if ive severed ties that i cant return to. if ill ever be relevant anywhere, enough so to matter, to make a difference or impact. choices that seem black and white but spill into giant oceans of grey and chess pieces scatter... so when you ask me how my day is, i cant really answer with the truth that i was so crippled by feeling like an idiot imposter that i gave up on trying to park my car at a fucking coffee shop and drove away crying thinking that the patrons outside were watching me fail in my big clunky car and laughing at me. and that i cried harder thinking about the fact that i dreaded going back to my apartment empty handed, having wasted time and effort and just... failed at trying to do ANYTHING with my day.

so i keep quiet and when something goes iffy between us, like the show last night, or like... us hanging out and you roll over and dont touch me or say anything when you go to sleep at all... i assume youre mad at me. or i act cold until you ask me whats wrong and express my insecurities in the shape of "YOU did this wrong, why didnt YOU do that, etc" when really i just...

wish things were different. i wish i was different, i wish you knew how to fit the bill i need.

and im afraid the more i say, the more i struggle with myself, the less you'll like me. that motorcycle thing, target fixation.

you see whats wrong with me, and then i TALK EVEN MORE about what i think is wrong with me... then you probably see that too. when i know youve got your own personal stuff happening and im sure i dont fit the bill you perfectly need either.

you want the carefree traveling girl you met.

well... i stopped traveling for you. im worried both dont exist simultaneously.

who knows.

i feel less mature than you. but i also think youre more stubborn than me. youre patient but in different ways. we're both conceded but in different ways.

i wonder, if given the chance, if we'd hate each other in a different dimension. a parallel world.

and in another, if we'd ever EVER even meet or notice each other.

you stood out to me, and still do, because of how you care for me. and accepted me from the start as a person and not a sexy girl or a commodity or a person to know to get ahead or any of the barbary popularity contest crap brainwashed me to believe.

i admire your drive and your shine and how you can fix things and learn things and are sweet and goofy and care about your mom and just...

i wish we'd met a different way.

i wish i hadnt been drinking.

i wish i'd seen you on stage first. or working somewhere. or out doing an activity.

i wish i'd had to try to impress you. i wish it was more of a chase to get to know you. to vie for your time.

i dont know why. i just... i think i like to rise to the occasion. i want to see who i can be when trying to impress you. because often, i impress myself. and am proud of myself. and THAT shows.

That showed when we met. i was proud of myself because i love traveling alone.

but now im here, and i feel aimless and im not proud of myself... and i dont quite know what to show you.

when we talked about Carrie... i was SO proud of myself for finding a cool theme point to talk about. it felt like college again. like i had found a point that impressed my professor. i felt smart. like i'd scored a three point shot.

i know that led to our sex being so good. at least in my mind.

i miss that fucking FIRE. and i know its something i have to find in myself. but im kindof afraid when i do... someone else will have helped me get there. and i worry that thats what i want. i want a teacher. i NEED to be stimulated. i NEED someone to notice when i dont show up to class. To feel a gap in the debate when i'm not there to chime in. to hear a difference in the choir without me.

so when youre fine. when you dont think twice about me not going to the party. or when youre not really phased when we dont link up at a show i specifically asked you to come to.

it really really bothers me. it makes me want to keep that power from you, the power i feel when i AM proud of myself.

i believe we give the best of our selves to people we feel deserve it. and i hate that this has become a tit for tat of deserving. when youre weird or lame or quiet, i dont want to have sex with you. but i know sex for you triggers a sense of connection and you treat me better and are happier to see me and be affection with me after we have sex, because that assures you i desire you and thats validating and boosts you, so youre happier and then youre nice. and then i feed off that and im nice and we're fine.

but when you suck, i dont want to sleep with you.

and often, if i dont sleep with you, you think i suck.

chicken or the egg.

we've talked about this but i think we're still chasing our tails.

i think we both have depression, i think i talk about it too much and i think you talk about it too little.

i think we both need a hobby that requires physical activity, and/or one that involves doing it together.

i thought cooking could be that, but... i duno. it'll ebb and flow.

group scenarios.

i want to matter to you.

i dont do a whole lot without you. and sometimes i fear that if i do, youre gonna feel left out. oooor that itll come back and bite me, like if i prioritize hanging out with staci or nelson or michelle and dont hang out with you or invite you, itll be crappy later on.

which is unrealistic to think about if we're gonna make this last. of COURSE were gonna have other friends.

ah, my brain just twisted down the other long term thing.

it really bothers me that you dont have the father gene.

its a huge warm fuzzy puppy when a man is good with kids. expresses posi vibes about children, even about being a teacher or a coach or paling around. its a vibe, either there or its not. and with you, i think youve clearly stated kids arent in the cards for you. and that appears to me like a literal wall of sharp, shiny obsidian black. dark like your eyes when youre angry or disappointed in me. i do not like that darkness. same way theres a dreaded tone you get in your voice sometimes. that tone, and the black eyes, i fear them because i lose you. you drift away, cut away, either back to someone i didnt know before we met, someone you were before, past life that is still there like an id, or someone thats there all along and just doesnt come out into the light often, but is there under that curly dark hair. im not sure which i fear more.

even now, so many pieces are swimming around. longing, disappointment, wishing youd be more, wishing i needed less, wishing i could see you purely without "need", worrying im not enough for you, worrying im not seeing your depression, wishing youd talk to me more, wondering if youre mad, wondering if youre sad, if youre stewing, if you want to leave me. that im too stubborn, that ive hurt you before and am now still on you about all this shit.

i havent been a good girlfriend. ive emotionally cheated and had shitty untrustworthy conversations and here i am still complaining that youre not doing it right.

which is freaky. because youre clearly an awesome motherfucker and have put up with a lot when, if the tides were turned, i probably wouldve left.

but why have i done these things. why did i cry out for attention in those ways, and STILL if i dont get the attention i need from you, i cry out to you. get on your shit about it. im not satisfied. i think my actions have made that clear.

but what do i do.

every time i hear something outside i wonder if youre here.

but why would you come here, why would you come to me if youre mad.

i wonder if youre at your place feeling in the right and thinking im in the wrong. thinking of reasons to leave me.

i know i need to be more humble and learn, and mature. but what if these instincts and urges to complain are telling us we're not right for each other.

itd suck. but what if? or what if its just that we're young and its supposed to be hard and we've gotta stick it out?

how the fuck are we supposed to know the answers to these things? im not interested in looking for another you :( no ones known me like you.

sometimes you make me feel like im not smart enough or deep enough for you. like youve accepted me but i havent accepted you.

i have a lot to learn. this needs to be picked back up upon another time.

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fair-dinkum-mechanic · 8 years ago

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dont really post anymore because nobody really cares.

dont really speak much much nobody really cares.

dont really speak much because i just make people angry all the time. i dont like making people angry i only like to make people laugh or have fun or feel happy but i cant do that because im really a failure of a person.

cant handle my experiences and my life being completely burshed over and shut down and im expected to just take her ‘word for it’.

i cant trust a single fucking person in this world i cant even trust my fucking self its too much its TOO MUCH.

i wish i could just wear a giant flashing sign that said ‘thank you for being kind to me and showing love or affection but i have a huge conrete wall in front of me that i cant break through to react accordingly. i know i never used to be like this but its how i am now and its way way too hard to get past it’

i understand that i am not meant to be happy. i understand that fully.

i understand that i am lazy and my suffering is all my own fault for being a lazy, unmotivated coward. i understand all of that i get it.

NOBODY wants to believe me and NOBODY wants to think that i really truly think all of these things. its easier to be angry i suppose. easier to be angry at me and thats fair nobody owes me anything at all.

i have started to do it again and i dont exactly know why but im happy i am. i can really truly understand how worthless and aggrrivating i am to everyone all the time. maybe i say funny things every so often but how does that make me worth anything? i dont think it does. I hear every week my family talking about me and how difficult and awful i am to deal with and its just a choice that ive made to be like this. i understand that is all my fault, i do, i never blame anyone else for how i am. its all me, im a dysfunctional wreck of a human and i do deserve to be dead. ive deserved that for years and years yet i selfishly still keep myself here out of, yet again, fucking FEAR.

i know im a bad person. i know i am I KNOW THIS. i know i dont deserve many of the things i have or have had in the past I KNOW. im ugly i know. i dont have muscles, i know. im not tall and nicely set i KNOW.

sometimes i think maybe i feel like i wouldve been better as a girl, but then again i dont know if any of that is real or just me trying to find a reason for all of my shit that i feel. also i know if i ended out to be that a lot and a lot of people would HATE me so much. also if i was that i know people would turn around and treat me like a special flower when i wouldnt be.

but then i dont think i am. perhaps i am fluid in that way but my gender really doesnt mean much to me.

thats not a huge problem for me anyway. i dont care about it much.

i just dont knwo.

i dont trust anyone. i dont trust anyone at all. tahts my own fault. to trust people you have to be good enough for them to stand up for you and not hurt you.i wasnt good enough for that and i wont be good enough for that because I am a BAD PERSON. not jsut a bad person an AWFUL person who deserves every little bit of pain that i get. i try to be good, i promise i do, i really really really try. I hope people can believe me when i say i truly do have pure intentions for others and just want to make people happy but i just fuck it up all the time and nobody ever sees it that way. i can spot bad people i can spot bad ehaviour that is hurting others but nobody cares because i think it just appears as me being a bitch or manipulative. maybe i am maybe i think im doing the right thing but im just being a cunt the whole time.

i cannot imagine what its like to wake up and being able ot plan your own day out without having to worry what others will say to you or make you do or get upset an d angry about. i like to be asleep because when i am asleep i dont have to worry about my actions or descisons being the wrong ones as they always always are. every day i do many many things wrong and i cant think which one is the right thing to do because i cant come up with it. if i lay down on my bed all day i am a bad person because i am lazy. if i go out alone it is bad because i am avoiding. if i go out with my friends or bf its bad because i shoudlnt be gay and also i should do work with my time not recreation. if i apply for the wrong job it is bad, but also i dont ned to study i just need to have motivation todo something but i cant i dont know im worthless anything i do will be worthless.

what is it like to just eat when you would like to eat and sleep when you would liek to sleep and clea how and when you wuld like to clean. id ont understand and i dont think i can do it its just too much and to o foreign to me.

part of me wouldve been like ‘oh yeah all those ex friends that dogged me will see when im dead how muchthey hurt me yeah THATLL show them’ but for about a year now its just been ‘whatever. they wont care. maybe theyll even think good riddance because now i cant bitch about them anymore. its probably best for everyone i do anyway because it really truly does seem like i am the bad guy in every situation’.

nobody sitcks up for me in those situations. maybe because i pretend like i have the strength to stand up for myself so everybody else wants to remain friends with the people who hurt me. i dont knwo i dont understand but its whatever because in the grand scheme of thigns i shouldnt even be here anymore in the first place.

its logic. its the only thing that maeks sense. i should not be here and every second that passes where i still draw breath is another second that i hurt SOMEONE at least. i dont LIKE hurting people and i wish that i didnt hurt people merely by being alive but i DO and nothing can change that. whats even WORSE is that i have such strong opinions and beliefs and such an obnoxious personality that i cant seem to shake. i dont WANT those anymore. i wish i could be rid of them for good so i could have the best shot at NOT annoying people at least with it.

people are going to thin kthat all of this is just ditorted mentall illness thoughts but i dont think it is i think its all true and i think its the only 100% truth that i know without a doubt. things would be EASIER without me around. so much easier. so so so sososos so much easier. and if people hat eme thats okay because i expect that from every single person eventually. everybody gives up on me. ive given up on me so i think thats why. i am BEYOND any turning back i dont knwo what i even mean i dont even understand how to express how i dont think anything can be done for me. i dont believe anything can be done for me.

but thats okay because i am just babbling at the void because its the only time i can express anything i ever think. bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. i dont like it at all.

ad nobody needs to worry about me killing myself yet because i am far far far too scared to. my cat also would never understand and she still needs me and she loves me so much and cant understand any of this so i cant do that to her because she is extremely innocent and doesnt deserve whatever would happent o her without me. she worries and frets if im not home until late i couldnt bear the thought of leaving her forever.

#i ahte myself so much #this si so old im sorry for even posting it #nobody is expectd to read it at all and i dont think anybody will because its stupid #its not here for anyone to read anyway #its here for me to thik and realize

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inthewordsofahalfgoddes · 8 years ago

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Free Writing

I went out on saturday and had a blast. I was wild, free and enjoyigng all the attention i was getting. I felt like i was shining and it felt really good. I met a lot of people and though i was still in control of myself I let people express their drunk seleves. I learned a long while back that making connections while people are drunk willl lead to nothing lol. People are free when they are drunk but go back to being closed off. i guess I should say they go back to being their sun signs/risings more so then their moon signs. People projected so much onto me it was kind of funny. I actually enjoy being drunk and in that frame of mind ebcause people re free and i can sit back and observe their interactions. It was crazy though. I always walk away from going out with an interesting take on people and myself. So i met this guy while out and apparently he’s a well known artists around here. i was interested to know that he actually was who he siaid he was. We ended up going back to his place and I ended up sleeping with him. not gonna lie it was good. I woke up at his palce the enxt morning and ended up fuckig and sucking him more. It felt so good. like I forgot it was lilith season and my body is lie fucking crying out for sex it scars me a litle. Because I feel like people can sense it so i have to be careful about how I go out and who i ama round. lilith really don’t play T_T magic mike even said that those who are trying to b celebate won’t be able to escape it and here i am fucking people T_T it was okay though. I didn’t beat myself up over it. I do keep my sexuality contained like 99% of the time to avoid problems so once in a while letting her come out to play is good for me. I still need more but I have to pace myself. I met so many people when i went out and made an interesting connection. I remeber thinkign to myself ‘is this what i manifested?’. this partying scene has put me in a very unique and new environment and I’m not sure if i should go through it or retreat back. See i was asked if I would strip. And at first i was like nooo wtf nahhh I don’t want that shit following me when i go on to do my own shit but as I sat their thinking about it i realized that this matrix and system has a cheat code that does have its dangers but the rewards may outweigh the consequence. It’s not illegal and i would be able to pay for my schooling and actually support people around me. one of the things i wanted to doa s soona s I made a lot of money was to do a lot of anonymous donations to things. Like i was thinking about the money i could make and what i could do once i got it. like i want to open up a school for children where I give them a very good educationa nd produce amazing students who will innnovate and save mama africa. I want to buy and renovate old abandoned houses and give it back to the hood. i want my people from around the world to be safe and dreamign again. this system has really fucked everyon up. the diaspora is healing but it is not healing fast enough. i also want to set up a safe house for when shit hits the fan. i want to have it laoded with weapons, seeds, survivial equipment and information to help whoever gets to it. i want to ensure all my siblings know whwre it is so that they can go there if i am not around when things get bad. I have all these plans and money is singlehadnedly the thign holding me back. I have about 6 years to make things happen and to secure myself so i feel like if i play the game smart, get in, make my money, invest in things, create multiple streams of income, keep my mouth shut and focus I can do this safely and queitly. I still have tot hink about it mroe though. i want to talk to nampende about it too because I want her opinion. ughhh this has put me at a crossroad. anyways I have never been told i was beautiful by so many people. it was kind of enw to me but i took the compliemnts nicely and felt gracious with it. though i hate when people project jealousy onto me with complients thata re veield lol. i try to make other people shine too though cause I want eevryon to feel great lol i felt like such a hype man. One thing that was crazy to me though was i was drunk right and didnt feel good at this guys place. but i was also really horny and wanted to fuck but like i didn’t feel good so my dumbass was calling out for jesus??????????????????????????????????????? I’m a little upset with myself for wanting him around me when i felt not good and like thats a testimony to my attachment to him. We’ve been doign well as friends all we do is watch dbz abridged togetehr, make jokes, he annoys me with his fucking impressions which are like spot on like errily close. anyays we being big ass nerds and shit and its kind of cute like he’s being so fucking cute and shit and i’m a lil suspsicious because i’m trying to understand why he’s changed. He;s being really sweet to me and nice and wants my attention and shit ooooh wait i remember now. its caused i told him i only missed him 7/10 when he asked and he was a bit sad (or fake sad cause this boy gets fake mad bout everything cause he a troll lmao). maybe he tryna chnage that make me like him more idk i’m treating him like a friend and keeping a bit of distance but like he’s getting me to open upp more and i’m like aaahhh whyy??? let me be distant pls lmao. he got something up his sleeve lol or it could be me just being apranoid and not trusting him which is highly probable. I sometimes fall back inot my ‘how could anyone like me’ mindframe which is a reflection of me at a low sense of self worth. I wonder what purpose the univerese is arranging my life for. I find it strange just how i meet so many prominent people, get into the sreas I wanna get into and like just get to expand my pool of people i know. I have been looking into my ascendent and yep seems about right with my leo ascendent and sag sun. recently i have been feeling down and disconnected with my spiritual self. I felt weighted down by something and i think its like a warning for something dk. or maybe things are changing. i noticed that when i start feling down it usually means something new is going to happen. i constantly ask for change and refinment from pluto and since he odoes take forever to make his cycle i may not feel the changes for a bit. i just ughh idk i’m at a crossroads again and i have to be careful with the choices I make. I will meditae on it, figure out where i need to go and then see if i can manifest it. I mean i managed to manifest allthese connections all this shit like wow it amazes me. the luck of the sag and leo is crazy. i want to spread it to everyone i know. i just want happiness, money, beauty and a peaceful world where i can help people heal. eventually i want to have my clinic some palce nice and sunny where i can help people heal. if i cana chieve thee goals i will be happy. anyways love myself the world and everyone.

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