#i need to over level him on NB too though :3

[gorillaxyz]

my son obey me a christmas tree for two/leviathan and. his brother. obey me NB a christmas tree for two/leviathan. who i hate.

[manicpixiefelix]

head, heart, hand. {Felix Catton/Reader/Oliver Quick}

Part 21.

Summary: The morning after Oliver fucks around with Venetia, and he has the gall to act like he doesn't know why you and Felix are in such a bad mood. Unfortunately his lies about the event don't placate you the same way they do for Felix.

{ masterpost }

Need to Know: They/Them. Explicitly NB Reader. FWB!Reader/Felix. Reader is from a well off family but has pretty much been adopted by the Cattons.

A/N: 5412 words. this chapter was meant to explain felix & eddie's relationship, but that got YEETED to several chapters in the future when this ended up over 5k as it was. if you're questioning my characterisation of the reader, just know that they're a complex individual and dont always make the most thoughtful choices. sorry it's late, i still love this and you, i will finish this fic or die trying. <3

TAGLIST IN COMMENTS!! // TAGLIST ALWAYS OPEN ! (just message or comment to be added)

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The morning sun is a cruel mistress, you think as one of the maids - Emily? You're barely awake, you can't quite tell in the onslaught of sudden light - pulls the curtains back, announcing breakfast would be ready shortly. Felix groans, sounding exactly as enthusiastic about the prospect as you feel.

"I'm cancelling today," he muttered, muffled where he'd sunk further down into the bed and pulled the covers over his head, "it doesn't exist." Wriggling onto your side and desperately trying to ignore the brightness of the impending day, you hummed in agreement.

"Sounds good to me," you yawned, squeezing your eyes shut, as if attempting to will yourself back to sleep. But you both know it can't really last.

Felix is grumbling under his breath the entire time he's getting dressed - stupid bloody Saltburn, and it's stupid bloody rules, and stupid bloody Oliver, and stupid, bloody, goddamn Venetia; the nerve on her, honestly - while all you could do was yawn, and make faint, distracted noises of agreement. Both of you go quiet on your way to breakfast, keeping your frustrations bottled up to keep the peace in front of the rest of the family, but it still didn't make things easier.

They're eating outside that morning, taking advantage of the beautiful weather by the courtyard. Venetia's looking all kind of pretty and smug, her gaze trained on Oliver as you and Felix join the table, while Farleigh looks to you, cigarette poised and beautiful between his slender fingers, wearing a grim expression as he takes in the state of you and his cousin. When his gaze meets yours, for a second it darkens, and he quirks a single eyebrow in unspoken question. Despite the way you sit primly in your chair, trying to feign nonchalance, Felix slumps down on your other side, between you and his father, the furthest seat from Oliver he can manage. It's answer enough.

"You sleep well?" Oliver turns to both you and Felix. It's almost like you can hear stupid, bloody Oliver run through Felix's head before he answers.

"No, not really, mate," Felix has never been one to hide how he feels. Once, you'd told him as much, and though he hadn't taken it well at the time - he'd been in a mood, it was why the topic had come up at all - but he'd come back to you the next day saying that Venetia and his parents had always told him as much. It was one of the reasons he liked being around you, he'd said, not because you don't bring up his moods - obviously you did - but he said he could never stay in a bad mood for too long around you. In this moment, you were really wishing that was true, because this level of sulking was one you'd only seen in the weeks after Eddie had left.

Oliver looks concerned, the picture of an innocent, worried friend, like he has absolutely no idea why Felix was clearly unhappy. You try not to look at Oliver as much as you can help it. So you stand, press a kiss to the top of Felix's head as you pass him, and make your way to get the both of you breakfast as Sir James talks about the dinner being hosted the following night. Apparently one of the attendees - Sackfield, Sussex natives, if you recall rightly - had dropped out, leaving the guest list at thirty.

"God I forgot about fucking dinner," Felix groaned around a cigarette he'd already managed to light in the short space of time he'd been at the table.

"Wait, who is coming to dinner again?" Farleigh asks with a vague frown.

"The Henrys," Venetia announced cheerfully as Farleigh sighed his protests. The girl had no fucking shame; you fight the urge to flick a blueberry at her, mostly since you know you'd miss at this distance.

"Who are the Henrys?" Oliver enquired, as if trying to ignore the mood of almost a third of the table. If you'd turned, you'd see him looking to you; even now you were seen as a fountain of information about the formalities and events that went on here. If you'd turned, you still wouldn't have answered him.

"Dad's friends," Venetia answers instead, "they're all called Henry."

"Not all of them," Sir James rebuffed quickly from beside his son, looking up from his morning paper.

"Just most," you called back, as if out of habit alone.

"It'll be fun," Elspeth tried to insist, though Venetia was quick to chime in again, smug as always as you made your way back to the table.

"It'll be, being molested by Henry," Venetia's smugness at least dropped with that, adding as an aside to her mother, "you know which one."

"Well I'll put you next to Oliver, then," Elspeth sniped back, "he can molest you instead."

Unfortunately you return the table just in time to see the look Oliver gives to Venetia, and the little giggle she answers with. No-one in this house knows subtlety and you kind of hate them both. However it seems you're not the only one who notices, as Felix's eyes flick between Oliver and his sister, glowering at them both as you place a plate of fresh fruit in front of him. He's surly enough that he doesn't even thank you, but in this moment, you don't care; expressions mirroring each other in a way neither guilty party seems to notice as they focus on each other instead.

"Oh, Oliver," the moment is broken, however, by Elspeth, energised with a new thought, reaching out to Oliver sitting beside her, catching his attention, stealing it from Venetia for the time being, "I was going to say, we should do something fun for your birthday." She's insistent, though Oliver is confused. Right about now you regret informing her that Oliver's birthday would be occurring during the time he was at Saltburn, "a proper party, no Henrys," she's insistent, "something actually fun;" she glances at Sir James, hand still resting on Oliver's, "what do you think, darling?"

"If Oliver would like it, I think it's a splendid idea," Sir James agrees amicably. You begin to eat your breakfast, hoping your gaze doesn't burn a hole in the table like you think it might.

"I think Oliver looks like he'd rather throw himself out of window," Farleigh chimes in flatly, actually startling a laugh from you that you have to quickly cover with a cough. When you look up, he's levelling a cold smile at the man himself, but when his gaze flicks to you and how you're trying to hide your embarrassment in a glass of water, his gaze turns almost fond. Solidarity; for all the shit he'd said to you last night, you really did adore Farleigh.

"What kind of party?" Oliver turns back to Elspeth, and you go back to your food, only after glancing quickly at Felix. He's too caught up in his brooding to be amused by Farleigh's aside; he's too caught up in his brooding to do more than smoke and poke at his breakfast with his fork like it's offended him.

"I don't know, whatever you want," Elspeth offers, already planning in her head, knowing the matriarch and her love of events, "what do you think? About a hundred people?" Chin on her hand, she's looking through Oliver more than she's looking at him.

"A hundred?"

"Or two," Elspeth takes his shock the wrong way entirely, "it invariably ends up being two with this sort of thing, doesn't it?" She looks over to her husband, while Oliver looks to you and Felix, that look in his eyes like he's out of his depth at Saltburn once more, "invite whoever you want," Elspeth insists, returning her attention to him, "all your friends -"

"What friends?" Farleigh mutters cruelly, but this you don't find nearly as amusing. For a moment, there's a twinge of guilt in your chest, but Sir James provides a clean distraction as he excitedly suggests the party be fancy dress.

While Elspeth and Sir James are both enthused about the suggestion - Sir James is always looking for an opportunity to wear his suit of armour, he's almost embarrassingly proud of it - Oliver tries to reach out to you like he can tell you're upset too, like he's concerned. When you shift out of his reach subtly, Felix catches sight of the movement and follows it to Oliver's hand coming back to rest on the table. Expression flickering with irritation, Felix offers you his cigarette, and you take it, crossing one leg over the other as he starts on his own breakfast and you push yours away with your free hand. Both of you are decidedly focused on the table.

Venetia absconds from the table for reasons you can't bring yourself to even half care about as Elspeth settles on A Midsummer Night's Dream as the theme for the party. Usually you'd be all but matching her joy at the suggestion, or at least matching Farleigh and his amused aside about slutty fairies, but your stomach is turning all of a sudden.

Felix clears his throat quietly, and takes a quick sip of water, but it still draws your attention, if not anyone else's. The way he gives the barest gesture with his head would be missed by anyone but you, but you can read it for what it is.

Go if you need to go, don't feel like you have to stay here.

Immediately you stand, drawing all eyes but Felix's, not caring either way. Handing back his cigarette, or what was left of it, he mutters a thanks, but doesn't look up from where he's lazer focused on his food.

"Captain," Duncan's voice speaks into the sudden silence, "if you have finished with your breakfast -"

"I have."

"Then I'd appreciate a brief word with you."

Nodding jerkily, you follow him into the foyer to see a thick, yellow envelope on a little table by the door, topped with a thin piece of card. He hands you the envelope first, before holding the card up to show you it was a notice from the local post office, telling you there was some large items that arrived. They'd be the flowers you'd had flown in; they wouldn't last long in some storage facility. Damn, alright, you sighed, expression pinched as you wondered if it was worth it to even pick them up at this point.

"Have someone collect them and put them in the greenhouse for now -"

"The greenhouse?" Duncan sounds almost confused.

"I mean, check if they're the flowers I ordered, first, and if they are, have them unpacked and put into the greenhouse, I'll get to them," you waved your hand dismissively through the air, "eventually."

"Of course," he acquiesces, and you thank him quietly.

Already exhausted by the day, despite it not even being close to noon, you head to your study, weighty envelope of documents in your hand. Later this week, they'd said in the email, you thought you'd have more time. Huh, that seems to be a sentiment plaguing you often these past few days.

"Everything alright?" Felix, draped over the wicker sofa on his balcony, hears you come in and doesn't even get up. Giving nothing more than an irrate, dismissive noise, you throw yourself onto the bed, "yeah it's a bit like that, isn't it?" He muses loud enough for you to hear.

"It can't be that hard to be a parent," you snapped, rolling onto your back, leaving the envelope on the bed by your side.

"If it was easy, nannies and wet nurses wouldn't have a job," Felix offers, though has the grace to add, "but I know what you mean." Then, sitting up, if the squeaking of the wicker was anything to go by, he asks what's wrong, softer this time. Looking to him, you scowl, and flick your hand to smack the envelope, "they being assholes to you again?"

"Always," you sighed, before adding without much thought, "sometimes I'm tempted to marry you so I can tell people I have half-decent parents for the first time in my life."

"But you'd have Venetia as a sister-in-law," Felix offered with clear distaste, but it's enough to get you to laugh, to break your discomfort.

"Forgot that part; you think Farleigh being my cousin is enough to make up for it?"

And Felix, thankfully, is grinning too. It's him who suggests getting out of the sweltering house on this beautiful day, getting out of both your heads with some time spent down by the pool. Right now, you'd take anything to try distract you from the packet of paper by your side.

The last thing you do before you head to the pool, book in one hand and towel in the other, is toss the envelope onto the desk in your study for later. Later you'd deal with your parents. Later you'd deal with Oliver and possibly get him expelled from Oxford if you're feeling especially vindictive after some reading or a swim. But for now, out of sight, out of mind.

Except it doesn't work for long.

While you'd chosen one of the armchairs to curl up in while you were in the early chapters of a memoir your Marketing professor had recommended to you, which was keeping your thoughts at bay, Felix had said he'd wanted to swim. After getting in for all of five minutes, he'd spent the rest of the time drinking jack and cokes through a curly straw and getting lost in his own thoughts again as he sunbathed. He's been alternating between smoking and sweets, and you have decidedly not commented on his attitude.

Both of you are wearing very little, looking as though you're on your way to the pool or the lake, probably looking like the start of any number of fantasies Oliver may have had. At least, that's what crosses your mind when you catch sight of him, gazing at you both with quiet longing. The sight of him like this, his eyes on you both, so clearly wanting, would have delighted you even twenty-four hours ago. Except so much had happened in those twenty-four hours.

I want to know you. I want to love you. But there's something wrong with you.

And then he'd gone and messed around with Venetia after you'd explicitly warned him not to. Your gaze leaves Oliver as he approaches, instead frowning down at your book, irritation settling in your bones.

Felix notices your shift before he notices Oliver. But that's when Oliver makes himself known.

"Hey," he drapes himself across the sun lounge on Felix's other side, blue eyes boring holes into the side of your best friend's head, while Felix refuses to acknowledge him, "Felix," Oliver tries more insistently, but gets no response, "is everything okay?" Finally Oliver asks. You turn a page pointedly, but Felix still answers.

"Yes," his tone is anything but okay, "why?"

"You seem annoyed about something," Oliver says carefully, almost demurely, "you both do," he adds after a moment as Felix makes a face. You turn another page you have not read.

"I'm not annoyed about anything," Felix clearly lied, and though Oliver sounded unconvinced, he tried to take him at his word. Except Felix isn't done, "it's just slightly bad form, that's all."

"What's bad form?" Oliver asks flatly, as if he has no fucking idea.

"What do you think?" Thankfully Felix's tone is annoyed enough for the both of you.

"What do you think?" He scoffed, disbelieving at this little act Oliver was clearly putting on, "getting with Venetia, Ollie," he has to spell out to make sure Oliver doesn't weasel out of the accusation. Still, he tries - the audacity.

"What makes you think I got with Venetia?"

"Farleigh saw you two," Felix answered immediately, "told Y/N all about it -" finally you allow yourself to look up, to level a cold stare at Oliver, who seems almost surprised when he meets your gaze; you make a faint tsk sound, as if to confirm, and go back to look at your book as Felix goes on, indignant, "it's just fucking cringe, mate, I mean really," he huffed, "you're my friend, you're supposed to be here with me -"

"Look, I didn't want to embarrass Venetia," Oliver cuts him off suddenly. Both you and Felix turns to look at Oliver very slowly.

"What do you mean?" Already Felix's voice is softer, still unable to fully bring himself to look at Oliver, while you're fascinated by the panic in Oliver's eyes.

"Well I saw her- I saw her outside and I went down to see was she okay," Oliver can't look at either of you in this moment; you wonder if he's scared to look you in the eyes as he weaves this little story of his. Fascinating to watch, "and... I think she got the wrong end of the stick because..." he trailed off, but his gaze returned to Felix. So gentle, so eager to placate his friend's ego, "she tries to kiss me, and I politely steered her away." It sounds very believable.

"Farleigh said you two were practically eating each other," you finally find your voice, still wary, unlike Felix, who was quickly buying into this series of events. He wants to believe in Oliver so badly.

"Oh, and you believe him?" Oliver shoots off almost automatically, but the minute his gaze meets yours, he has to look away; you absolutely still believed Farleigh, and Oliver could see it in your eyes. But then he's almost scoffing - "me and Venetia? Come on."

"Well, why didn't you tell me?" Felix sounded softly betrayed, but clearly won over, and Oliver returns his attention to the safer of the two of you, gaze trained on Felix and his pout.

"I just..." he searches for a believable answer, something Felix wouldn't hate him for; Venetia was still his sister after all, "I thought it'd be nicer not to," he settles on, "she was hammered, probably doesn't remember," which was unfortunately in character for the eldest Catton sibling.

"She's so embarrassing," Felix finally groaned, and you know he's bought it, hook, line, and sinker. You go back to your book, "and fucking Farleigh, what a little shit-stirrer," he huffs, to which you add, carefully casual.

"He's always known how to get a rise out of me," you know Farleigh wasn't lying to you; Farleigh was a shit-stirrer, but after last Summer, he would never be so cruel as to joke about this. But you play along. Oliver's looking at you now, you can see it in your peripheries, you can almost feel it.

"Well someone has to entertain us all," Oliver offers, to which Felix faintly agrees, glancing at you with a faint question in his eyes, like you're the final piece left to solidify whether he believes. Giving a faint, exasperated smile, you echo him softly - right - and see him finally relax, "that's why we love him," Oliver adds, in what you know is an incredibly pointed move, considering his strained relationship with Farleigh himself.

Felix finally breathes a loud sigh of relief.

"Thank god," he exclaims, like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders, turning so casually to Oliver with an easy grin, "you know, I thought we had another Eddie situation," despite his casual mention of the past guest at Saltburn, you, several feet away, go perfectly still.

"Eddie?" Oliver asks carefully.

"Yeah, Eddie was my- um, he was my best friend at school," the way Felix stumbles over his wording momentarily is not lost to either you or Oliver, "and he came to stay with us," he continues as light as before, "and he kind of..." Felix makes an uncomfortable noise for a second, fidgeting at the memory, "developed a little thing for Venetia, and everything just got so awkward." Eddie broke Felix's fucking heart, your mind snarled defensively, though as he always has, since the initial betrayal had occurred, Felix retold a much lighter history, "yeah, it kind of ruined our... you know..."

"Ruined your friendship?" Oliver supplied, getting a noncommittal hum from Felix, who refused to elaborate further, "I can imagine," he quietly adds, sounding altogether empathetic to the situation.

Clearing his throat loudly, desperate to remove himself from the discomfort the memories had left him in, Felix declares his intentions to head back inside, not waiting for either Oliver or yourself before he collects his towel and absconds. At least, you find yourself thinking, he moves with far more ease, far less tension, than he'd arrived with. It eases something in you too, as you watch him go, able to smile at his retreating figure before remembering how you're still being watch by Oliver. Oliver who'd all but yelled at you last night because you hadn't told him about your mother. Oliver who you're almost certain definitely did fuck around with Venetia last night, despite what he'd said.

Sure, you could get over Oliver and Venetia being together for one night since he'd felt guilty for having betrayed Felix, and worked to create a lie that even absolved Venetia of anything other than being a predictable embarrassment to her brother. That you could forgive, even if you knew it was a lie.

But his words still haunt you from last night.

"You're still annoyed at me," Oliver moves to take Felix's seat the minute he figures Felix is out of earshot. You don't want to dignify the comment with a response; your sour look should be answer enough. But then his voice turns soft; "you didn't tell Felix what I said to you, did you?" It's not a real question; Oliver's watching you once more with a kind of anthropological fascination that you remember from back at Oxford. In an attempt to avoid his gaze, you bury your nose in your book.

"No idea what you mean."

There's something wrong with you.

"Can I be blunt for a moment?" Oliver asks with a surprising hesitancy. Oliver is often blunt, so the asking seems more and more like a performance than anything else. You turn the page of the book you're definitely not retaining a single word from.

"'m not going to stop you," you huffed momentarily. Oliver, for the long few seconds that follow, is quiet, is watching you. In this moment, his gaze is like a fucking scalpel; you wonder if he's going to ask if you realise believe him, or if he's realised how he hasn't even tried to apologise for what he'd said.

"Why 're you being good to me?"

"If what I am right now is your version of good, that's bloody tragic," you tell him airily, "what was I to you before, saint-like?" It comes out rather bitter, but thankfully Oliver doesn't seem deterred.

"You've always been good to me; all things considered I think this is the most saint-like I've ever seen you," and it sounds sincere enough that you lower your book, expression flat when you finally turn your attention to him. But his blue eyes are earnest, sitting on the edge of the chair far closer than before, all his attention, his focus on you, "you love me," he says quietly, almost awed by the words themselves, "even after all that stuff I said to you; you still love me enough to keep that from Felix -"

"Because how he feels about you shouldn't be effected by how you feel about me; it's not his business," you tried, feeling trapped by the truth of his words.

"You are his business," Oliver insists, and your mouth snaps closed; you kind of hate that he's right, "and you love him like nothing I've ever seen before," he wets his lips, eyes wide when he leans across the space towards you, hand coming to rest on your knee, "but you know he'd never give me another look if he heard about how I spoke to you -"

"I know," you agreed with an awkward little huff, finally, "so you could at least apologise to me," avoiding his eye contact, the silence spills from one moment to the next until you hear him take a deep breath.

"I'm sorry for prying about your mum," his thumb is gentle as he rubs small circles against your skin. The thing that lays unspoken between the two of you, the remainder of the apology, why it's lacking, is not a mystery; he's not sorry for the rest of his outburst because he believes it's true, and he knows you think so too.

Still, the apology itself has you relaxing, settling, feeling far more unburdened than before.

"What do you want me to say, Ollie?" Finally, you spoke. It's barely more than a sigh, book closed and head turned to the sky. When Oliver makes a confused noise, not quite sure about what you mean, you sighed, "if you meant what you said last night, about wanting to- to know me, to, you know -" love me, sits heavy on your tongue, unable to leave your lips, "what do you want to know, what do you want me to tell you, what can I say?"

It doesn't occur to you the way it does to Oliver, how starkly revealing your choice of words often is. Once again you find yourself acquiescing to others wants, to Oliver's implicit demand for your truth, taking the path of least resistance for yourself. Instead you're wondering why Oliver's hesitating now of all times, when finally being given what he'd apparently wanted; you don't understand his reluctance, how he feels as though he's coerced this offer from you, how he almost feels disgusted with himself for what he perceives to be your honesty under duress.

"What 're you reading?" He finds his voice finally, but it's surprisingly meek. This was not the question you'd been anticipating, and your eyes open, looking to him curiously. There's no coldness to your gaze anymore. Oliver's gone bashful and almost apologetic. Raising the book enough that you could show off the cover, you levelled a confused frown at him as he asks if it's good.

"It's dry," you tell him after a beat, "but it's modern, so it's not the worst of it's kind that I've slogged through." When you rise from your chair, he seems almost confused until you sit yourself down next to him, laying back on the sofa and coaxing him back to recline in the space by your side, as you'd done what feels like a million times over with Felix and Venetia. At first, Oliver is stiff, looking all too much like a timid deer, half pressed to you until you continue to explain, "a lot of biographies published by successful businessmen from pretty much any time before two-thousand will invariably have this weird undercurrent of biological essentialism and how the subject owes a lot of his confidence and intelligence and all that bullshit to the fact that he's a man, which is why I'm glad my professor had the good grace to recommend me this one, since that caveman-binary-bullshit is gross as hell."

Oliver nods where he's tucked up against your side, gazing at the book in your hand. You can feel him relax into the familiar contact.

"Is that really the most pressing question you had?" At least you sound far lighter than before when you asked it, almost teasing, and Oliver takes a deep breath, still looking at the biography and your finger stuck between the pages in leu of a bookmark.

"Why'd you go into business of all things to study?" His cheek presses against your shoulder, your arm around him warm and secure. A humourless laugh escapes you, and carefully you open the book with the one hand holding it.

"Because a failed lawyer makes a terrible CEO," you'd chuckled more to yourself than to Oliver. It takes you a moment to compose yourself and your thoughts before you give a proper explanation; "the only good thing about my father being in charge of my family's business is that he cares so little about it that he hasn't tried to interfere with it, and therefore hasn't run it into the ground, at least that's what Nan says." Then, wetting your lips, you give him an awkward smile, "you asked me a few days ago what my dad does; Andreas - that's my dad - he doesn't do anything," you admitted, "everyone thinks he runs the family business, but it's a vanity title. At best he's a trophy husband to Pearl - you met Pearl - and her artistic, philanthropy bullshit."

Oliver doesn't manage more than a quiet 'oh', but he settles himself against you, chin on your shoulder, arm warm when he drapes it over your middle. For a few, gentle moments you go back to reading, flipping back the few pages you'd skipped in your frustration with him earlier. There's comfort in the slow turning of pages, in the steady beat of Oliver's heartbeat pressed against your side, in the rhythm of your shared, quiet breaths.

"You still believe what Farleigh said, don't you?" Oliver's voice is so quiet in your ear, he actually sounds forlorn.

"Of course I do," you murmur back, trying to focus on the words in front of you.

"He's just trying to push your buttons."

"Farleigh doesn't have to try if he wants to menace me."

"Nothing I say will convince you, will it?"

Finally, you close your book, sighing faintly. Closing your eyes, allowing yourself to accept this conversation was happening now, you shake your head.

"You think I wanted to hurt Felix that badly that I'd fool around with Venetia?" Oliver tries again to convince you, but your tip your head to face him, expression unimpressed, but not unkind.

"Farleigh is a shit-stirrer, and I'd believe that Ven was drunk, but you, Oliver Quick, are neither as subtle as you think you are, nor as harmless as you want everyone to believe; I think I know that better than anyone," after a moment, you take a deep breath, "and trust me when I say that Farleigh wouldn't lie to me about this."

"If you believe that, why'd you let me lie to Felix?" Its as close to an omission of guilt as you'd get, but that's something about how Oliver apparently respects you enough to not outright deny it that brings you a strange comfort.

"You know why," voice softening once more, place your book down to free your hands. Holding his cheek gently, you can watch the faint guilt in his gaze before his eyes fall closed and he leans into your touch, "I know you won't do it again." His head tips until his forehead is pressed to yours, and you sit in this quiet moment for a long few seconds.

"I don't want to break Felix's heart," Oliver breathes, sounding, for the first time, genuinely remorseful. Hand moving from his cheek, you wrap him up in an embrace, "I do love him," he mumbled, voice barely above a whisper, adding, "and you."

"I know," you assured him, "our Ollie," you teased warmly, and though Oliver remains quiet, when you crack your eyes open you can see him turning red, fighting back a pleased smile, "you're very good at playing bashful, so I always find myself especially endeared in these moments between us when it's actually genuine," slips from your lips quite without you meaning it to, only causing Oliver's blush to deepen. But as soon as you've said it, seen his reaction, your grin widens and you double down, "catching you off guard always catches me off guard, I feel like you're always so deliberate -"

Oliver kisses you quick as you laugh, interrupting your teasing kind of analysis of him before you can get too far in. Another deliberate play, but this one you don't mind. Oliver pulls back from you, only a few inches, enough to once against rest his forehead against yours as you're still sharing this space, this single pool lounge together. He's grinning so brightly.

"At least there's one person here I can fool around with without my head getting bitten off because of it."

[aspiringtrashpanda]

Thought of Starr the entire time I wrote this. Find the prompt list HERE.

── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──

DAY 22 Prompt: Fallen Angel SPOILERS FOR NB SEASON 3 AND OG SEASON 4

Of all the places within the Devildom’s borders, Raphael believes Meowcao to be the most devilish.

Since the start of his exchange period at RAD, coupled with the previous business excursions on behalf of Michael, Raphael has become rather familiar with the Devildom. He has experienced the blazing moonlight in the scorching sahara of the south, has healed the frostbite from his fingertips in the blizzarding forest of the north. He has participated in festivals and sports games, has immersed himself in Devildom culture just as Michael had suggested. Each time he dips his toes into the cool shallows lurking above Cocytus, the more he adjusts to the shift in temperature. The Devildom as Raphael knows it is, in all honesty, not that different from the human world…or even the Celestial Realm, at that. 

But a city that thrives on gambling in such excess that every day decisions are made with a game of chance? Streets filled with demons who were winning big and lost it all, those addicted to the thrill of the game, those enamored with the bright, flashing lights of casinos? It is a paradise designed to nurture greed. It was no wonder Mammon had chosen to visit such a place as his reward for triumphing over the Science Fair Geography finals. 

It is almost disorienting, faced with demons who dislike not only him, but the group with whom he chooses to associate purely because of Lord Diavolo’s vision to promote harmony between the three realms. 

In the downtown strip, the area between RAD and Purgatory Hall, Raphael is relatively respected, regardless of his angelic status. Shopkeepers maintain a certain level of civility as he trades Grimm for products, and other students at the academy always spare a smile, albeit strained, when he passes in the halls. 

Were the residents of Meowcao real demons?

What is it that makes a demon more or less demonic? Is it the shift to a more selfish outlook? The desire to leave chaos in their paths? Or does Diavolo’s seal of approval provide more rain cover than the average umbrella? Were the demons that Raphael has come to understand only polite under Diavolo’s orders? 

As Simeon scoops his feijoada from the large bowl before him, the steaming bruised beans procured from local farms slopping onto Raphael’s plate, Raphael peers through the unexpectedly delicious haze of demon cuisine to observe his closest friend. 

Simeon wears a soft smile, his celestial teal gaze relaxed and affectionate. The ladle dips into his meal multiple times, returning to Raphael’s plate with more towering atop the spoon than Raphael thought was possible. 

“Why, thank y…” Raphael frowns, blinks through his pause as he watches Simeon tilt his head towards him, that patient expression Raphael knows too well enveloping him in a wave of nostalgia and warmth. It takes a moment to find his voice again, sometime after Simeon has passed Raphael’s plate onto Thirteen, the reaper looking to share some of her meal with her exchange program buddy as well. “Now wait just a second, Simeon. That’s far too generous a portion. You’re left with hardly any for yourself now…

But Simeon simply waves him off, and returns his plate with heaping piles of roasted vegetables and various proteins. It’s more food than he needs, he knows this, but who is Raphael to spurn the sincere kindness of a former angel? He proceeds to eat in silence, choosing to listen to the conversation and light jabs that bounce about the table in lieu of voicing the questions nudging at his ribs. He absently wishes that Solomon had prepared a dish for the meal, even if it would have been impossible. There’s something about Solomon’s cooking that quiets Raphael’s noisy brain. 

It really doesn’t seem as though Simeon has changed at all. He is still gentle, and just, and passionate. He still resembles the kind man who had toured Raphael around the seraphim quarters on his first day in training, all lilting laughter and fluid guidance shaped to a container of hard corners. Raphael had known instantly that he was the seraph to go to when he made a mistake. Simeon would be fair, it was apparent in his smile.

It makes Raphael wonder…What is the point of the exchange program? Is there something that he has yet to understand? Did Michael know that Simeon–clever, wise Simeon who had always bent over backwards for his heart–would fall? Simeon had already been demoted in the aftermath of the Great Celestial War…Was the exchange program a test that Michael knew the former seraph would fail? 

If that was the case, then why send Luke, as well? Was Luke to be witness to Simeon’s mistakes, to be molded into Michael’s ideal angel through scare tactics and fear mongering? And then, why him? Why Raphael? Was he to be the bad guy, the voice whispering in Luke’s ears, peeling back Simeon’s flaws?

Or, did Michael wish to be rid of Raphael? Did he see him as a threat? Was he meant to fail the test just as Simeon did before?

He glances around the massive table in the center of Meowcao’s fanciest restaurant. Barbatos is sharing a dessert with Luke, pointing out the chef’s skill as evident in the candied fruit perfectly sandwiched between whipped icing. Thirteen and Asmodeus take turns spoon-feeding the embarrassed human exchange student. Mephistopheles makes a cat out of the rice pilaf on his plate, shows it to Solomon and Satan with a haughty smirk. Lucifer grimaces as Diavolo sends plateful after plateful Beelzebub’s way, the former pleading not to encourage his younger brother’s poor manners. 

It’s a wholesome scene, all rounded corners and warped by a rose-colored filter. Teeth glimmer in the candlelight, wide smiles only parting for raucous laughter. Raphael notices the way Simeon’s stare sobers as he watches Luke pepper Barbatos with questions, desperate to become an amazing pastry chef to please Michael. 

What is his former brother thinking? Is he wondering the same as Raphael himself? His appetite disappears as he stares down at his full plate, his stomach in knots. For how is he supposed to maintain Luke’s purity if lying is against an angel’s virtues?

── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──

OBEY ME! MONTH MASTERLIST

[misc-obeyme]

to <3 anon, I was gonna say definitely play the event since you have the cheat cards, but playing through the battles can be time consuming the first time around if your team isn't built. Since you'd have to play everything one by one at least once (I'm so used to skipping the battles ajsjd). Once you get through everything once with an A or S rank (can't remember which), you can quick clear (and then you can collect AP/joker cards/other things to save up for when you're ready). You could also skip the story parts if you're worried about spoilers?

I am someone who plays both, and I can tell you it's wild. I'm stuck on OG around lesson 60, I need to build my cards more, but I'm completely caught up in NB and have full teams that are all 98+ level wise. I log in on both apps to do daily tasks every day

I do both events simultaneously, log in to collect the AP at both times (NB is priority because it loads faster), but I just quick clear the battles every night to get the prizes. NB is the one where I'll try to use up all my AP before work so that when I get home, it's fully replenished.

I love OG to death, present Mammon would have to be ripped from my hands, and I love how much more of his character we get to see in NB. But it is a little frustrating and discouraging when I can't get past battles in OG. I've been playing NB since day one, even without finishing OG, all because I didn't want to get "left behind". I've got so much uhh fomo (?) from past Mammon cards that I never had a chance to get in OG. Which has now turned into me having every single Mammon card in NB... 💀 Even memory cards that feature him (except HDD .5 charge mission memory card, I was broke at the time)

I am dedicated to this man 😭 anyway sorry that got kinda sad at the end. I have my reasons for loving both games, and OM Mammon will always have a chokehold on me. I'm gonna be old one day and using a cane that's probably yellow because it reminds me of him 💀 It's silly things like that that get me through the day, I even have a photo card of him in my wallet 😗

also apparently my store made 10k over predicted sales on Sunday. I don't know what the prediction was originally, but jesus 😭 there's been lots of wild customers and things going wrong, but I am still kicking. I run solely on caffeine and spite !!

i don't know if I rambled about it before, but I have ideas for what my mc would work as in the devildom. and I'm thinking about the dinner rotation in the HoL, but that's for another day's ask lol OKAY BYEE

- ✨ anon

Oh gosh, I am used to skipping the battles, too lol. It does depend on what your goals are, I think! I personally play through every event... though sometimes it's almost painful because the stories are often not great. (This one was especially underwhelming.) But I read them because sometimes you get good one liners lol. And I only grind for stuff if I want the cards, but if you wanted to use up your AP you might as well use it on events! Then you'll get rewards, even if you don't get the cards.

Yeah, OG is messed up when it comes to getting through all the lessons and NB is shaping up to be no better. But there are a lot more lessons in OG, so it takes longer. Back when I first started playing, I got through like the first two seasons and then didn't play the main story for months while I leveled my cards. Then the same thing happened between season three and season four lol. Then they were like NB is happening! And I was like oh hell no I am gonna finish season four if it kills me.

Yeah you got it with FOMO! Fear of missing out! I had that, too, with past cards that are just... lost to me forever. I did a similar thing, but with Barb. Every NB Barb card is belong to me! I've been spending my time getting some of the older ones from Lonely Devil in OG, too. And just unlocking everything like chats and what not.

LOL I'm loving the idea of little old you out there with a yellow cane 'cause of Mams, that's adorable!!

I have a few lil bits of merch and it absolutely brings me joy. Plus when you're old, you'll be free to do whatever you want. I feel like people tend to write it off as oh old people are so silly!

Caffeine and spite, ✨ anon, I swear I am concerned about you! I hope things calm down for you so you can take a nice break!

Hmmm I don't think I remember what your MC's job might be? But if you already told me, please feel free to tell me again!

[arcade-conspiracy]

Hi! I was wondering if you could do headcanons with L and/or Near from death note with a S/O that is Nonbinary and uses Neopronouns. Specifically comfort headcanons where a close friend or family member finds out about neopronouns through someone with similar pronouns and they mock the person's pronouns very openly. I had something similar happen to me recently and I just need some form of comfort from my favorite comfort characters. Also I love your writing!

I’m so sorry that happened to you, love. As a fellow neopronoun user, you deserve respect for what makes you feel comfortable. Im so sorry this took so long, hopefully these bring you a smile, at least. Im sending you a virtual hug! <3

L and Near with a nb!s/o who uses neopronouns

L Lawliet

First off, too be clear, he himself would never judge you for such a thing. There’s no point in it. It makes you comfortable, and makes you happy, you’re not harming anyone, there’s no problem!

The first time he hears them bring it up, he’s quite confused. Obviously he knew there were going to be people against the way you present yourself, there’s always a few bad apples in the bunch, but your own family? Your own friends? That doesn’t feel like them,,

Why are they so worried about it that they’re taking the time to make jokes about it? What’s so funny about it? What’s the punchline? It frustrates him. There’s no logical reason for them to do this,, so why?

He’ll ask you about when you two get away from the situation, and if you need calming down or anything, he’s very good at subtly de-escalating situations. He’ll remind you that what you’re doing isn’t wrong. There’s absolutely no problem with you, it’s the assholes in the other room that don’t have the heart to just accept other people for who they are.

He now isn’t exactly fond of whoever was making these remarks, by the way, and will be doing his best to make you feel better about yourself in day to day life. He will be unnecessary excessive about it, most of the time he’s being totally serious even as joking as it can come off at times.

He’ll (not so) cleverly talk about you very loudly so you can hear that he’s using the pronouns you most prefer, and will constantly remind every single person he works with of which ones you like best, among a bunch of other slightly silly things. He thinks, hey, if anything it’ll at least crack a smile from you, right?

From there, though, it can really go one of two ways.

Option one, L makes sarcastic or snide remarks at them every time he sees them. He’s very good at being very mean with very few words. He has little to no boundaries on these things either, he can and will leave them speechless with one joke.

He will only be doing that if you’re alright with it, though. If that’s not something you’re comfortable with, he simply will keep his mouth shut.

Can’t promise he won’t send a few judging glances their way though,,

Option two, he will indirectly keep you away from them as much as possible. You probably won’t even notice, but you’ll find yourself only being with those people when it’s absolutely necessary to be.

He’s obviously not going to completely cut you off from them without your permission or any of that jazz, but he’s certainly not opposed to you doing so. They can’t be the best of people if they wouldn’t respect your identity.

Those are his two ways of doing things and there is no third /j

Generally, though, he just prefers you to be comfortable over anything else. He can handle others emotions fairly well, and it infuriates him that these loved ones of yours are acting this way. You don’t deserve to hear that stuff, especially when it’s something you hold so dear like that.

Nate River (Near)

Near has a different approach to things than L does, he won’t get as,, directly involved.

Once you tell him about it, he simply says you should cut them out of your life. No sarcasm, no jokes. Just “if you know they won’t respect you, why do you keep them around? you don’t exactly need them, do you?”

Obviously you can’t just,, get rid of them, it’s not that easy. To him it’s a simple choice, though. They’re being pricks about something they shouldn’t be sticking their nose in, they’re being bigoted.

You don’t need people with that level of toxicity in your life. He goes on a bit of a rant about it, actually.

“That group doesn’t deserve you in it. If they’re going to act like children about something so minuscule, there’s nothing saying you have to babysit them”

It’s their problem that they’re not open minded enough to accept people as they come, it shouldn’t be your responsibility to deal with them and teach them basic respect.

That’s the way he sees it, at least.

If you’re ever really upset about it, though, he’ll have you sit on the floor with him and talk about it while he does whatever he may be doing with his toys

He understands now how difficult it could be to cut these people off, so he does the best he can to get it into your head how ridiculous their dumb jokes are.

He doesn’t like repeating himself, but he will repeat this over and over as many times as it takes. It’s not you that needs changing, you are wonderful how you are, it’s them that needs to rethink their mindset.

[m4st4rd]

i would die for you, clint barton (clint barton x oc)

a/n: HI I’M BACK with a stupid little drabble. the talented @obwjam has reignited my love for comics!clint barton so i wrote a fic of him and an oc. i haven’t proofread it and the ending super sucks but i still managed to churn out about 1900 words so enjoy!!!

i’ll proofread/edit in the morning lol

brig is nb; they/them pronouns pls 

They’re scared, and Clint gets it. He’d be scared, too, if there was some weird giant searching for him. He’s no stranger to the feeling of fear. But when he’s the one causing it, it feels terrible. 

   Brooklyn is in shambles. A new supervillain group tests their weapons on a bank in Bushwick, the Avengers are on the case, a city block is engulfed in chaos and violence. And Clint Barton is searching for a 3-inch-tall person who’s hiding in the alleyway of a Dunkin Donuts.

   He sighs and kneels down, peering under the dumpster. Huddled in the dark is the shaking borrower, who stares back with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. They look like crap: covered in dried blood and dirt, their clothes torn and ratty. But the little guy is stubborn as hell, and hurls a pebble in his direction. They miss by a long shot. He would’ve laughed if the city wasn’t on fire.

   “C’mon out, bud,” he says. A faint boom! rattles the world behind him. “It’s not safe under there. Are you lookin’ to be caught? A rat, an alley cat… God forbid, there might be a human who ain’t as nice as I am.” With a nervous glance behind him, he sees Kate dart past, notching an arrow and letting it fly. “Not to mention that the city’s comin’ apart.”

   They shout something back, and Clint can barely piece together the words leave and alone. It’s not helpful, though, that they’re so small and covered in shadow. And the fact that he can see their teary eyes in the dark is not helping his conscience. Another explosion shakes the earth, and the borrower lets out a wail that he does hear. 

   They’re both getting frantic. He softens his face, puts a pleading look into his eyes. “Please,” he calls. “I can keep you safe.” 

   The borrower doesn’t get to respond. A scream rips through the air, and he’s made up his mind. He jumps to his feet and drags the dumpster back, only getting a glimpse of the sheer terror on their tiny face before he scoops them up in a fist and tucks them into a jacket pocket. It’s not ideal, but if it means they won’t be crushed or eaten, he’ll take it. 

   They’re writhing, and he ignores it. The feeling of them shaking against his chest forms a pit in his stomach. They’re scared, but at least they’re safe.

   The rest of the battle zips by like a blur. Clint spends it shielding the borrower, dodging rubble, and praying to whatever gods present for this little guy to not be so terrified of him. Their shaking has stopped for now, but they’re stiff as a board and flinching with every move he makes. When the fight dies down, he’s left nursing a wound on his shoulder and cupping his hand around his pocket. He’s gotta get out of there, and fast.

   His free hand finds his comms, and he sends a quick farewell message to Kate. She responds quick, familiar beeps filling his ears: Get home safe. See you soon, Hawkeye.

   The message brings a smile to his face, but it disappears when he remembers his job. His day isn’t over yet. 

   He runs his way home. 

   The apartment greets him with blinding fluorescents and a mess on his coffee table. Things that are normally hangover-induced nuisances are now pushed to the far corners of his mind as he limps to his counter. 

   His fingers dive into his pocket, and he does his best to be gentle, but with the little guy swerving away from his hand, he ends up tangled around their limbs, pulling them out in a quivering heap. They’re a pitiful sight; their tiny face is tear-stained, and once they lock eyes, the poor kid flinches back into their protective huddle. 

   They’re speaking, and fast. That much he knows. Their voice is buzzing away. But he can’t understand anything that's coming out. He gets the gist of what they might be saying: there’s a pleading look in their eyes, and their lip is quivering. He doesn’t like this feeling.

   “Hey,” he whispers, cupping his hands closer around the tiny body. “Hey. Look at me.” He nudges their shoulder. They’re practically humming with anxiety. “C’mon, calm down, buddy. You’re okay.” 

   They aren’t making any progress like this. Clint lowers his hands to the countertop and the borrower stumbles off, clutching their chest and scrubbing the tears from their eyes. “Look,” he says softly. “Not touching you anymore, see? You’re fine. You’re okay.”

   He watches with a pang in his heart as they cry for a bit, hugging their knees to their chest, and takes the time to look them over. Their hair is dark and matted, their clothes patchy, their face young, but thin and gaunt. This isn’t the same stubborn little guy he’d met an hour ago; this is someone who is absolutely-fucking-terrified of him. He can barely deal with crying people at his own height; he can’t even begin to comfort someone who’s three inches tall.

   Reasoning sets in as they clear their eyes of the last of their tears. Even if he was well-intentioned, he did sorta… take them. Grab them up and stick them in a pocket. If some giant had done that to him, he’d be pretty scared, too. 

   “Do you understand me?” he tries. The tiny head snaps up, and the kid babbles something that vaguely sounds like sorry and don’t hurt. “No, no, I promise I’m not gonna hurt you… Fuck. I was — I was just tryna keep you safe!” It’s hard to read lips on such a small face, but he gets the gist of it, and it hurts like hell.

   This isn’t working out so great. “Let’s start over, okay? I’m Clint. Clint Barton. And I — I can’t hear you all that well.” 

   That gets them to shut up. The fear disappears from their face, replaced by sheer bewilderment.  (Yeah. As if they’re the one that should be surprised.) They scrub their eyes and stare at him in awe, and Clint can’t help but chuckle. “Weird, I know. But we can figure somethin’ out, alright? You okay to talk? Or just… shake your head, yes or no.” 

   That gets a timid nod. “Great. Good. Not hurt, are you?” A shake. “Thank God for that.” Now we’re getting somewhere. But Clint needs to ask them questions, and he needs to get answers. How is he supposed to talk to someone smaller than his finger?

   His mind is racing. Sign language! It’s a long shot, but just maybe he can get through to them.

   “Do you understand this?” His hands move slow, just in case. But it doesn’t go the way he’s hoping. The borrower shrieks and falls back, and they’re both back to square one. “No, hey, wait! It’s okay!” He signs while he speaks, and the kid watches every move he makes with terrified eyes. “Look — it’s a language! My name is Clint. C-L-I-N-T.” Each letter is deliberate, and with each second, the little guy uncurls from their protective ball. “Now that I’ve told you my name, will you tell me yours?”

   They both fall silent. He holds his breath and watches the tiny face with a furrowed brow. It’s small, almost impossible to see, but there’s a hint of hope in their eyes. He’s so overcome with joy that he doesn’t notice them open their mouth.

   “...ig.”

   He freezes. “Sorry, what?”

   They wither back. “Brig,” they say, louder this time. Their voice is muffled and nervous, but it’s there. And Clint can’t stop himself from smiling. 

   “Brig,” he repeats. “That’s B-R-I-G. See?” He grins. They’re still cautious, but they watch his hands with curious eyes as he signs their name. “It’s nice to meet you, Brig.”

   Good! This is good. Clint can see them coming out of their shell, little by little. They look unsure, but their hands twitch in time with his. “There’s so much you can say with just your hands! This is hello, and this is goodbye. Yes, no, please and thank you— I can teach you, if you want!”

   The magic is gone, and Brig snaps back into their defensive huddle. “T-teach me?” they squeak. “But… would mean…” They glance around the kitchen, eyes widening as they take in the sight. They’re so small compared to everything else. “What about… home?”

   He’s overstepped his boundaries. He kneels to get closer to their level. They reel back, a gesture that goes unnoticed in his concern. “Was that where you live?” he asks. “Near where the fight was?”

   They’re quick to nod. “Left… a bit,” they say. “Rats.” The last syllable is loud, clear, and bitter. “Got caught… the fight.” Brig shrugs, looking nervous and embarrassed. “And by you.”

   Clint frowns. A place like that is dangerous for someone of their size, but he’s in no place to argue. “Is there anyone you stay with? Any family or friends you can go back to?”

   Now they’re silent. His heart plummets when they grimace and look away, a sadness creeping into their eyes. Realization crashes over him when they shake their head.

   He hadn’t thought of that. 

   “You don’t have to stay,” he says gently. Guilt lingers in his chest as he leans back, too, suddenly self conscious about his hands. “I-I can get you back home if you need me too — I can’t imagine it’s all that safe, but if that’s what you want…” The borrower is tense, and Clint is cursing himself for being so hopeful. 

   Finally, after a minute of mulling it over, he gives a resigned sigh. “Damage Control is cleaning the place up,” he tells them. “They should be done in a week or two, okay? You can stay with me, but when they’re done… I’ll bring you back.” Every word hurts more than the last. “Only if you want to. How’s that sound?”

   The kitchen falls silent. Clint’s heart is beating fast, and he bites his tongue as conflicting emotions flicker across the tiny face. “I-I can bring you back now, if you like,” he stammers. “Ya don’t have to stay. A-and you don’t have to tell me exactly where you live, but I can just drop you off and you can be on your way and we’ll b —”

   “I’ll stay.” 

   This time, the little voice comes out strong. “You — you will?” he says.

   They nod shyly in response, and he can piece together what they say next: “Just… back… my feet.” Just until I’m back on my feet. 

   He can live with that.

   Clint’s heart swells with triumph. He can’t remember the last time he was this happy. There’s no explaining why he feels this way. “O-Okay. Awesome. Welcome home, Brig.”

   He glances back at the mess in his apartment, then to the mess of his clothes, too. They’re both covered in dust and blood, but neither care about it as Clint laughs. “We should probably get cleaned up first, though. What do you say?”

   He’s smiling. And for the first time all day, Brig is smiling, too.

   They’ve got a lot of work to do.

[kuromichad]

different subject that’s heavy on my mind rn but since i’m already being harsh let’s get into it. i wish it wasn’t automatically presumed to be some kind of truscum attitude when someone tries to express that different parts of The Trans Community have like, different needs and different risk levels and different experiences and that we have the ability to talk over each other, harm each other, etc... like when i put it that way people generally are like ‘of course that’s true!’ but is it ever really understood in practice? a number of people (not a large enough number, but still) are able to loosely understand ‘you can be trans and transphobic’ when it’s applied to the matter of transmisogyny but when a trans person tries to express distrust of or frustration with afab nb people due to how common it is that that category of person will, despite being trans/nb, espouse bioessentialist, anti-medical-transition, radfem-adjacent if not outright cryptoterf rhetoric, suddenly ‘trans people can be transphobic’ gets applied to... the person with a complaint about transphobia. 

because he’s clearly an evil truscum man! regardless of if the person making the complaint is a trans man or trans woman, oops, lol. he’s a bad person who is attacking and invalidating and totally hatecriming the heckin’ valid, equally at-risk transgender identity of “an afab woman who isn’t a woman except when she pointedly categorizes themself as a woman because being afab makes them a woman who is ‘politically aligned’ with women but she’s not an icky unwoke cis woman because they don’t like being forced into womanhood although Really When You Think About It 🤔 all women are dysphoric because obviously the pathologized medical diagnosis of gender dysphoria in transgender people is something that equally applies to cis women just default existing under patriarchy 🤔, and no, equating these things totally does not imply anything reductive about or add a bizarre moral dimension to the idea of being transgender, whaaaaat, this woman who isn’t a woman doesn’t think there’s anything immoral or cowardly or misogynist or delusional about being transgender, they would never say that because THEY’RE transgender, except when she feels it’s important (constantly) to make clear that she’s Still A Woman Deep Down Inherently Despite Not Identifying As One, and none of this ever has any effect on how they treat the concept, socially and politically, of people who actually wholly identify with (and possibly medically transition to) a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth, be it ‘the opposite gender’ or abstaining from binary gender altogether or ‘politically aligning’ with the ‘opposite’ gender from their asab. never ever!”

and like maybe that sounds like a completely absurd and hateful strawman to you! but in that case you’re either like, lucky, or optimistic, or ignorant. i’m literally not looking at random nb people and declaring that in My Truscum Opinion they’re ‘really a woman’ just because they’re not medically transitioning or meeting some arbitrary standard of mine. i am looking at self-identified afab nb people, who most often use she/they because, y’know, words mean things, especially pronouns, so people who are willingly ‘aligned with womanhood’ typically intentionally use she/her (sorry that i guess that’s another truscum take now!!! that pronouns mean things!!! the bigender transmasc who deliberately uses exclusively he/him wants it to invoke a perception he’s comfortable with!), who actively say the things listed above (in a non-sarcastic manner). 

like, the line between a person who says “i don’t claim to really not be my asab because i know no one would ever perceive me as anything else” because theyve internalized a defeatist attitude due to societal transphobia, and a person who says that because they... genuinely believe it’s impossible/ridiculous/an imposition to truly be transgender (in the traditional trans sense, beyond a vague nb disidentification with gender) and are actively contributing to the former person’s self loathing... is hard to define from a distance! i think plenty of people who are, in a sense, ‘tentative’ or like ‘playing close to home’ so to speak in their identity are ‘genuinely trans’ (whatever that may mean) and just going through a process. they might arrive at a different identity or might just eventually stop saying/believing defeatist stuff, who knows. but there are enough people saying it for the latter reason, or at least not caring if they sound that way, that it’s like, dangerous. it is actively incredibly harmful to other trans people. and it’s fucking ridiculous that it’s so difficult to criticize because you’ll always get the defense of “umm but i’m literally trans” and/or “well i’m just talking about ME, this doesn’t apply to other trans people” when it’s an attitude that very clearly seeps into their politics and the way they discuss gender.

because it’s just incredibly common for afab nb people (most typically those that go by she/they! since i’m aware that uh, i am also afab nb, but we clearly are extremely different, so that’s the best categorization i’ve got) to discuss gender in moralized terms, with the excuse of patriarchy/misogyny existing, which of course adds another difficult dimension to trying to criticize this because it gets the response of “don’t act like misandry is real” (it’s not, but being a dick still is) and “boohoo, let women complain about their oppressors” (this goes beyond ‘complaining’). a deliberate revocation of empathy/sympathy/compassion from men and projection of inherently malicious/brutish/cruel intent onto men (not solely in the justified generalizations ‘men suck/are dangerous’, but in specific interactions too) underpin a whole fucking lot of popular posts/discussions online, whether they’re political or casual/social, and it absolutely influences how people conceptualize and feel about transness. 

because ‘maleness is evil’ is still shitty politics even when you’ve slightly reframed it from the terf ‘trans women are evil because they’re Really Men and can never escape being horrific soulless brutes just as women can never escape being fragile morally superior flowers’ to the tumblr shethey “trans women who are out to me/unclockable are tolerable i guess because they’re women and women are good; anyone i personally presume to be a cis man, though, is still automatically evil, and saying trans men are Just As Bad is progressive of me, and it’s totally unrelated and apolitical that i think we should expand the concept of afab lesbianism so broadly that you can now be basically indistinguishable from trans men on literally every single level except for a declaration of ‘but i would never claim to be a man because i’m secure in the Innate Womanhood of the body i was born into, even as i medically alter that body because it causes me great gendered discomfort.’ none of this at all indicates that i feel there’s an immense moral/political gap between being an afab nb lesbian vs a straight trans man! it says nothing at all about my concept of ‘maleness’ and there’s no way this rhetoric bleeds into my perception of trans women and no way loudly talking about all this could keep trans people around me self-loathing and closeted, because i’m Literally Trans and Not A Terf!”

again, if that sounds like a hateful strawman, sorry but it’s not. i guess i’m supposed to be like ‘all of the many people ive seen saying these shitty things is an evil outlier who Doesn’t Count, and it’s not fair to the broad identity of afab shethey to not believe that every person who doesn’t outright say terfy enough things is a perfectly earnest valid accepting trans person who’s beyond criticism’ but like. this cannot be about broad validation. this can’t be about discarding all the bad apples as not really part of the group. we can’t be walking on eggshells to coddle what are essentially, in the end, Cis Feelings, because in the best cases this kind of rhetoric comes from naive people who are early and uncertain in their gender journey or whatever and are in the process of unraveling internalized transphobia, and in the easily observable worst cases these people are very literally redefining shit so that ‘actually all afab women are trans, spiritually, all afabs have dysphoria, we are all Equally oppressed by Males uh i mean cis men <3’ because, let’s be honest, they know that the moment they call themselves trans they get to say whatever they want about gender no matter how harmful it is to the rest of us. and those ideas spread like wildfire through the afab shethey “woman that’s not a woman” community that frankly greatly outnumbers other types of trans people online, because many of those people just do not have the experiences that lead you to really understand this shit and have to push back against concepts of gender that actively harm you as a trans person.

like that’s all i want to be able to say, is Things Are Different For Different Groups. and a willful ignorance of these differences leads to bad rhetoric controlling the overall discourse which gets people hurt. and even when concepts arise from it that seem positive and helpful and inclusive, in practice or in origin those ideas can still be upholding shit that gets other people hurt. like, i don’t doubt that many people are very straightforwardly happy and comfortable with an identity like ‘afab nb lesbian on testosterone’ and it would be ridiculous and hypocritical for me, ‘afab nb who wants to pass as a guy so he can comfortably wear skirts again,’ to act like that’s something that can’t or shouldn’t exist. it’s not about the identity itself, it’s about the politics that are popular within its community, and how the use of identities as moral labels with like, fucking pokemon type interactions for oppression effectiveness which directly informs the moral correctness of your every opinion and your very existence, is a shitty practice that gets people hurt and leads us to revoke empathy from each other.

like. sorry this is all over the place and long and probably still sounds evil because i haven’t thought through and disclaimered every single statement. but i’m like exhausted from living with this self-conscious guilt that maybe i’ve turned into a horrible evil truscum misogynist etc etc due to feeling upset by this seemingly inescapable approach to gender in lgbt/online circles that like, actively harms me, because when i vent with my friends all the stuff i’ve tried to explain here gets condensed down to referencing ‘she/theys’ as a category and that feels mean and generalizing and i genuinely dislike generalizations but the dread i feel about that category gets proven right way too often. it’s just like. this is not truscum this is not misgendering this is not misogyny. this is not about me decreeing that all transmascs have to be manly enough or dysphoric enough and all nbs have to be neatly agender and androgynous or something, i’m especially not saying that nb gender isn’t real lmao or even that it’s automatically wrong to partially identify with your asab; this is not me saying you can only medically transition for specific traditional reasons or that you don’t get a say on anything if you aren’t medically transitioning for whatever reason, now or ever. i just. want to be allowed to be frank about how... when there’s different experiences in a community we should like. acknowledge those differences and be willing to say that sometimes people don’t know what they’re talking about or that what they’re saying is harmful. without the primary concern being whether people will feel invalidated by being told so. because these are like, real issues, that are more important than politely including everyone, because that method is just getting vulnerable people drowned out constantly.

[mediioxumate]

nonnie is enabling me! 

Do you have headcanons for your arknights characters?

im so glad you asked. heads up for too many snow leopard references. 

SilverAsh

the gap moe of it all. i think it’s really interesting that the general facade he puts forward is actually his gentle smile, and that his e2 art is where he drops it, implying he trusts the doctor enough to not necessarily keep up the (terrifying) pleasant boy demeanor. generally, he has 3 levels, his pleasant persona -> ruthless/cold -> snuggly cat mode. 

he’s very very protective over his family - and considers all of those close to him family. he has a self sacrificial streak that’s easy to miss if you aren’t looking for it. 

seeing as he’s like 6′3/192cm, he hit a serious growth spurt very young. threw his balance, and was definitely very gangly for a bit until he grew into himself. it did help solidify his more pacifying, pleasant persona, meant to be non threatening. 

absolute sassbucket. no one asked, cio. no one. 

well versed in business (obv) as well as law, and could veritably represent his family in court if needed, and allows his to retain his footing around the nobility he so opposes. 

also has an assortment of Rich Boy talents: ballroom/formal dancing, well read, polyglot, and to a lesser known degree, he’s a painter - but this is primarily for himself. to others, he is simply well versed in art. 

though many expect him to run cold with the whole ice prince aes he’s got goin on, seeing as he’s snow leopard adjacent, he’s actually quite warm.

relationships:

pram: they are estranged at best.  he made the deal with her to become a saintess in her as well as the family’s best wishes, but being taken away from what she knows, and metaphorically dunked into the shark tank hasn’t boded well for their relationship. he would still defend her without second thought. 

cliff: remain close but in the background, and he feels responsible for his youngest sibling. she has been known to give him headaches, but he’s very fond of her, and will always be in her corner. on the short list of people that get his true nature. appreciates the good name she makes for the clan. 

courier: boyfriend. emotional support twink. but in all seriousness, they have one of those long, slow burn relationships (in canon) and the inherent eroticism of a boy dedicating his life to you. also in the short list of people to get him all the way to grumpy/snuggly/more himself.  

ethan: as an artist, he has a lot of respect for ethan’s work, and thinks it’s very nice. but as a raised noble, he has an...adverse reaction to graffiti. 

aak: he will sell him to satan for one corn chip. 

shirayuki: not close, but relationship of mutual respect. there’s a certain alienating factor added when she is fairly close with pram. 

Pramanix

lebsiam. lesbiab. lebs. le. girls. women. 

beneath her serene exterior, she’s quite carefree and on the silly side. she’s playful and has dry humor that often goes unnoticed. few get to see this side of her when the serenity is so expected. 

essentially a political prisoner. her position of saintess is less a power thing for her, and much more shackling. she’s removed from her family, and surrounded by too many people whispering in her ear. rhodes island is a welcome escape for her. 

she is as religious as her post implies, but her relationship with her faith is extremely personal. her holy bell is kept close at all times, and treated almost reverently. it is as powerful as terrifying for her. one mistake and she’s doomed, and she’s learned not to make mistakes. 

textile work is one of her passions, and something she’s gotten to do very little of since ascending to her position. weaving, knitting, dying fabrics, all manner of things. most of her wardrobe is made and maintained by herself. 

those she cares deeply for receive little gifts from her - typically pieces of embroidery, small dyed cloths, simple things that can be displayed around the home or carried close. once she’s at rhodes island, these grow into sweaters and scarves - bigger, warm, wearable pieces. 

additionally, growing up in an elite family, she’s well read, and her love for reading has never faded. it aids her well in her position, absorbing religious texts, history, anything necessary, but she also enjoys a simple novel. it’s not uncommon to find her curled up in a corner of one of the dormitory rooms with a book she’s scavenged to wind down after a long day and recover. 

her other passion is tea! if one of the medics will teach her to maintain her own tea plants, she’ll be over the moon. over all, she finds it calming, and likes teas across the spectrum. with such low to connection to her usual hobbies, it’s often that she finds herself offering and making tea for those she meets with. 

much like a cat, she requires more sleep than average - at least 10-11 hours at night, and a nap somewhere midday. rumor has it, it’s the toll being a vessel for the divine takes on her, and she would not disagree. it could also be depression. 

relationships:

silverash: as mentioned prior, they’re estranged. she was younger than advisable when he made the decision to have her ascend to saintess. while aware it was likely the best move for her and the family, she struggles not to blame him for the stress and loneliness associated with her position. less inclined to stand up for her brother. 

cliff: neutral relationship with her sister. while she holds no ill will, being separated hasn’t done anything to improve their relationship. there’s a bit of underlying bitterness that cliff is still free and able to pursue her passions. does not know about cliff’s infection. 

shirayuki: future gf. she appreciates someone that matches her energy, and isn’t terribly demanding on her when her position is demanding enough. rhodes island has been her first chance to breathe in so long, those asking her to shoulder too much end up on her shit list. not that they’d ever know. 

cliffheart:

funky little nb bisexual. unstoppable. she/they pronouns. 

climbing calms her, and she sees any vertical surface as a challenge. it’s not uncommon to see her in spots she shouldn’t be around rhodes island, and she’s been known to scare some of the operators by scaling walls etc in the dormitories just to hang out. has had it joked that she should be a mountain goat not a snow leopard until she reminds them that they belong in the mountains too, thank you very much. 

incredibly spunky and a huge prankster. and with SA as an older brother, she’s not easily intimidated or frightened by others. plus, she’s very nimble, get away is never a challenge. 

also very flexible. will fold herself into seemingly impossible positions to scare someone when they walk in. much like the cat she is, her resting positions only make sense and look comfortable about half of the time. 

as for her oripathy diagnosis, very few people know. she is careful to hide it, and is thankful for the lower stigma in kjerag to be able to continue to lead a mostly normal life. in all honesty, she’s terrified of it, and what will happen, but she also uses it to boost her desire to live in the moment, try new things, and remain adventurous. 

after initially suffering the puncture wound, she wasn’t able to climb for a bit, still recovering from the trauma and getting the oripathy under control. it wasn’t long until she was itching to climb again. 

generally hikes solo, but always excited for anyone that can keep up with her on the mountains! also into journaling and photography along the way to document everything. this often includes towns she visits and the stories of people she meets and talks to along the way. 

relationships:

silverash: lovingly calls him cio. a little better than he can’t have much of a relationship with her publicly, but she loves him a lot and she wants better for him. hopefully, rhodes island can improve things.

pram: neutral and loving. she hasn’t spoken to her sister since pram took her position, and she’s fairly distressed about the deteriorated relationship with their brother. cliff plans to use rhodes island and the time there to reconnect with pram, and hopefully eventually connect her back to cio. 

ethan: fast friends - and a killer combo. give a graffiti artist someone who can get him to the weirdest spots with ease. they have a similar prankster nature, and click fairly naturaly. 

aak: fast friends as well. matching chaotic energy. she trusts few medics with her condition, but he’s one of them. his penchant for experimenting resonates with her, and she offers herself for whatever tests he wants to run willingly. 

[snowtimeisbesttime]

Thoughts and questions on Volume 10, routes 1 and 2! ...finally.

-Back in Homestuck both Feferi and Eridan got the short end of the stick screentime-wise, but here, they both got a nice bunch of much-needed Interesting Stuff! It's a shame we're (almost surely) heading back to Earth now, to befriend the heck out of the alpha kids.

~ROUTE 2~

-MC expected the Heiress to be super awful, and then Feferi has literally 2 good endings (whose achievements seem to be reversed route-wise?) and her bad ending you get by actively choosing not to further interact with her. And of course, she's already very much against the Empire, even if she doesn't quite seem to interact with it...

-Maybe I read too many fanfics where all of the beta trolls rebel, but I'm kinda surprised that The Rebellion's still a Vriska & Terezi only thing. Let's hope we get to see if Fef does join up...

-Looks like the whole “Witches living in the middle of nowhere with their extremely powerful guardians” thing is starting to become a trend, huh? In Feferi's specific case her meteor probably fell right in front of Gl'bgolyb (a pretty damn large area, actually), who would’ve then immediately gone “holy shit a sky baby” and adopted her.

-Considering that the Condesce can just come down to Alternia and personally get rid of the Heiress (singular, explicitly), living so far from everything was probably a blessing in disguise. And maybe also NOT being involved with how the planet's run- though we'd have to ask a certain Trizza Hiveswap about that...

-She was planning on waiting thousands of sweeps before challenging the Condesce, though iirc the whole thing with Heiresses challenging HIC was something demanded by their shared lusus... She didn't really bother with future ruling plans in Homestuck because they were going to play SGRUB; though Glubglub also bonded more strongly with Feferi because HIC was too far from Alternia... enough to actively favor her over the Empress?

-We also get even more confirmation that seadwellers are OP: Feferi blows up a huge air bubble (that stays on the ocean floor) for MC not to drown like it's nothing, and she's very likely even stronger than Equius*. Meanwhile, Eridan gets thrown through a party cannon (that was just there on the airship for reasons i guess??) AND has Daraya's mall thrown at him by Sollux, and practically walks it off, though he does say later that it was close. You know who'd be a Great Additional Data Point??? Cridea Jeevik.......

-*However, they would not fight, as they both stan Nepeta. On a more serious note, having Feferi interact on-screen with the other trolls would've been very nice... she's hanging out with Sollux in Eridan's route but We Don't See It... We know she's friends with Kanaya, and she also had a pretty nice interaction with Vriska back on one of the walkaround flashes too,

-On seadwellers in general- neck gills are canon (though if i remember correctly a Very Old Tumblr Post, that'd actually not be the best place to have gills? Idk tho), as we can see in Feferi's route; and then we have Eridan, who we know has spent very little time underwater in his entire life, with his scarf *and* a high neck shirt. (this might just be me but. wouldn't it be super uncomfortable to have clothing touching one's gills??? i guess it would kinda depend on the specific take on gills, biology wise)

-Feferi owns a ~fancy air-producing conch shell~, so that's that for any fan seadwellers that Need to have landdwelling friends over.

-MC theorizes that there might be something that makes adult empresses evil... something external, such as a powerful curse of some sort... which would have to transfer from dead empress to freshly crowned empress somehow... really makes you think...

-Feferi can use one of Glubglub's eyes (?) as a crystal ball from which she can access the Actual Dark Motherfucking Carnival, and get metaphysical advice from there. And the one giving her said advice is our precious clown son Karako, who may or may not have gotten like 10 degrees on weird meta shit since we last saw him- assuming he's the same bapy as last time...

-According to Karako or whomstever is speaking through him, there's a creator above this world's creator, as well as another creator above him, and another one above her, and so on and so forth maybe? Wonder what's this setting up for........

-Feferi can either meditate her way up through layers and layers of meta, so she might access them and interact with them, or choose to change stuff in the Alternia she knows and lives in, small as it may be; both these endings have a lot of potential for cool stuff that I hope we'll get to see. Depending on the choice, MC is either a cheese or a marshmallow.

-In Fef's bad end, MC wonders about the workings and limits of their plot armor; they do give it a good whirl in this entire volume.

-I am incredibly pleased to announce that the ally/eely pun also works in Spanish (aliado/anguilado)

~ROUTE 1~

-We find out that both Vriska and Feferi have dumped Eridan- the first's likely busy being gay and doing revolutions with Terezi, but what happened (besides charming quirks such as charging for listening to him brooding) to make Fef break it off? In Homestuck she broke things off with him as soon as they were in the game and Glubglub didn't have to be fed 413 lusii a minute, but there's no SGRUB in Pesterquest; we see Fef's mom in her route, yet we don't hear anything about Eridan's whole Orphaner Jr thing...

-Regarding his additional lack of friends: it's perfectly understandable that Kanaya would drop him, considering she had to deal with a lot of his bullshit back in the comic, but I thought Karkat was actually friends with Eridan? Before Murderstuck of course, but that's obviously not happened in Pesterquest...

-Eridan's 13 years old (and also in charge of feeding glubglub, let's not forget that), where the hell has he found the time to make a nuisance of himself (to the point where employees in some places are legally allowed to stab him if he bothers them) on like half the actual planet????

-MC's reaction when confronted with a room full of fancy clothing is, of course, Big Hype... And wanting something new for their wardrobe.

-so, are Eridan and Roxy nb wizard solidarity?

-Chances are everybody’s already seen this by now orz but I need it to establish a base: Hussie's made an statement where he explained -amongst other things- Eridan's deal with Shrek, originally from [S] Collide. That post could be summarized as:

1) highblood lusii tend to suck ass because of high expectations and low emotional availability, & seahorsedad wasn't an exception; so when the trolls were looking up human stuff back in the meteor and Eridan found Shrek, he saw him as a Good Lusus Figure.

2) Sollux, however, has a good dad that loves and supports his trans son (as sollux trans confirmed) and is also Kinda Ogre Shaped, and Eridan resents him for that → rivalry

3) (it's also confirmed that the eridan from [s] collide was legitimately so happy to be spending time with his dad shrek that he never realized he was dead)

-So: where did Eridan (more like whoever’s in charge of the cinema actually?) get Shrek 2 from if he's never had any contact with humans in this timeline / reality / canon chunk??? It might be one of the Funky Timeline Changes we made in Aradia's route.

-Also: if Eridan knows Sollux is trans (implied in the post but not confirmed), then the conversation the two have later in the route (and specifically Why Eridan begins that conversation) kiiinda takes a dump on his talk about gender (which otherwise is a very good sign that he's got the potential to be a decent person IF he gets his shit together and also thinks about other things -most obviously the hemospectrum- with the same level of depth and all that).

-MC's had their first taste of their Homestuck memories. Let's see how they get them back this time.

-not to self plug (too much) but one of Eridan's fancy articles of clothing looks a Lot like an outfit that's appeared in Mirrorbent?? (← warning for a bit of blood) The one with the purple and yellow gradient in the rack furthest to the right... the one in mirrorbent is basically Gramma Loreto Rights: The Jacket

-After the rollercoaster of hapenings that is his route, Eridan finally understands that he's got to change himself and unlearn all of Alternia's bullshit if he wants his situation to change for the better. Can't believe it took getting An Actual Mall thrown at him to make him realize that...........

-(That mall is of course the one from Daraya's Friendsim- and she sure felt like a Destruction class back then... 2x hopeprince combo mayhaps?)

-Kanaya said in Sollux's route that it was less than advisable for him to overexert his powers, and the only thing he *doesn't* use here is his psionic blasts- hope he's fine! (then again this is probably our last volume on alternia and blah blah blah)

[imagines-mha]

Type of s/o is a nice idea ! The same question for the Bakusquad + Tokoyami ?♡

Damn i love this. Treat them like the kings (and queen) they are and you’ll be flying. Love u 💕💫

I GOT CARRIED AWAY AND WROTE HE EQUIVALENT TO GENESIS 3. OOPS

Bakugo

💥 You and i know Bakugo. He is angry, he is stubborn, he is trying his best. And while some may say he needs someone like that, on his wavelength- naw i disagree

He is his mother all over- and he honestly needs someone like his dad

He needs an s/o where opposites attract comes into play, cus if they were both like Bakugo- lets be real i don’t think they’d come out ALIVE

💥 Someone who’s calm, yet ambitious. Who can relate to him in a way where they feel similar to him, but react in a different way to it than he does (eg- someone with an inferiority complex, but who’s calmer about it)

He needs someone who understands him, so an s/o going through shit in life, but who’s also trying to overcome it all would be ideal for him

Just grow with him anon

💥 He also needs someone affectionate. He trusts very little people, so you would have to be so damn patient

Bakugo is the most ‘anti-pda’ bitch in daylight. The second the sun goes down? He is soft™️

He’s gonna need someone who’ll just sit in his lap, let him play with their hair and snuggle up to him- and act like it’s natural. Ie- if he shows you affection- don’t tease him for being soft. It takes a lot for him to do it

You’ll have to support him, but also remind him its okay to take breaks. He will be stubborn and may snap, but he’s trying his ABSOLOUTE best so love him and cherish him for it

Kirishima

❤️ babie. Little fucking angel. He puts the stars in my eyes.

This boy. Has a heart so huge, so full of love and affection and emotion. He will literally cherish you from day one and he won’t even expect you to do the same

But psa. You better do the same. Or else.

He needs someone affectionate i’m sorry. Someone who’s gonna shower him in love and kisses and support because he literally deserves the world.

He’s a real prince of a boy- and he’s looking for his other half. Break his heart and suffer the consequences of being a horrible human being for the rest of your life

❤️ He is a little self conscious sometimes. Justttt a little- but that means he needs someone who’s going to reassure him and help him work through all of that

He’ll need someone to sit with him and cheer for how far he’s come today, but also to hold him whenever he feels like he’s still at the bottom of his mountain you feel me.

Every little success in life you guys will celebrate hand in hand. Passed a test? Date time!! Had a bad day? Snuggles until you smile!!

He will give you his all- all his time and attention and heart; and it’s only natural you do the same

❤️ He needs someone who also knows how to laugh

He wants to have a water fight at 3am cus its summer and you guys are bored. He wants to order pizza with you and eat it until he literally can’t handle anymore and he’s lying on you whining while you rub his tummy and laugh at him teasingly

He just needs someone he can be himself around and not feel judged- someone who’ll accept him for him

Kaminari

⚡️ My boy. He needs someone who will love him just the way he is. Even if sometimes he makes you want to just whack his head off he wall

He’s naturally funny- and i can see him appreciating someone who was the same. He wouldn’t really work well with someone stuck up and too-high-class

He needs someone chill, down to earth- who knows exactly how to have a good time

⚡️ That doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a party animal either. You could be the biggest introvert but still attract his attention

As long as you can appreciate his humour, make him laugh and show him affection and maybe turn him on, you’re a keeper

My boy loves snuggles. He’ll sweep you up and eskimo kiss you, snuggling right into you and telling you over and over how gorgeous you are and how much you mean to him. Please tell him it back. Match his puppy like energy when you see him. He’ll be so happy

⚡️he also needs someone who’s gonna look past that ‘stupid kaminari’ exterior. Someone maternal and caring

He wants someone to love him for Denki- a slightly less stupid boy who works extremely hard, even though it may not always pay off

Celebrate with him when he succeeds and cheer him up when he doesn’t. Just be there to hold him and to love him through everything dude because he needs it and he’ll do he same to you

Sero

🧡 *cracks knuckles and leans close so my lips touch the mic* Someone who’s going to spoil him like the absoloute prince he is. That’s it.

Sero is actually just looking for someone to match his energy: positive, chill and supportive

He probably would clash with you if you were like a Sharpay-Evans-esque person. Although another part of me thinks that would be cute idk tho just as long as u love him.

🧡 He’s nervous when he has a crush. Don’t even think about teasing him about it, because his friends do that enough

He’ll go to great lengths to make sure you’re alright, and he would need someone who would appreciate that and thank him

Do not take him for granted. He has a lot of self-confidence and love, and he was raised to keep his head held high. If he feels like you aren’t appreciating him for that, then he won’t be interested

🧡 He’s a huge dork, but he also gives me sk8er boi hippie vibes™️ so basically he’s the full package 😎

Kinda looking for someone who’s the same- who would appreciate just hanging out at a park together or going for a walk. He’s not one for extravagant outings- he just loves your company and being out in the open- so someone adventurous too

Mina

💕 lmao MY GIRL. Needs someone who’s gonna treat her like a queen

She is clingy as heck and when she’s in a relationship, prepare to be literally smothered in her love and affection 24/7

She’ll need someone to match all her positivity, but also someone to hold her whenever she’s frightened

💕 Someone lively would best suit her. She’s well liked and super sociable, like hell she’ll wanna just dance with you

If you’re the type to wanna sit inside- she’ll appreciate it, but you’ll need to appreciate the fact she’s gonna be out a lot. She gets bored super easily

She’ll also need someone who’s gonna accept her craziness. She’s so spontaneous- and she’d love for you to be the same way

She wants to just dance around and sing at the top of her lungs with you, run the streets holding your hand, play hide and seek and not care etc- she’ll want someone immature

💕 However she loves to be dominant. She’ll pull your head to snuggle her and you’ll just have to accept it so it would be better if you were naturally submissive

She’ll baby you. She just has some sort of motherly nature in her when she gets sleepy and it’ll make you want to sit on her lap and kiss her forever

But also as i said someone who can handle the clinginess cus she’ll literally want to touch you 24/7 its adorable

Tokoyami

🖤 This boy. He is a prince of darkness. But he is just. So. Lovely.

While ok yeah. I can see him with an emo- a goth gf/bf/nb who will match his level of black and his insanely dark quotes, but you know what would be cute?

Him with a pastel s/o like hear me out

Someone who appreciates the world around them and spreads positivity while wearing shades of bright pinks and blues. Someone who’s like a ray of sunshine to compliment his darkness

🖤 He needs someone with similar interests to him. If they love the night sky, and are appreciative of the stars- he could talk to them forever

He’s an intellectual, noone really gets what he’s saying half of the time. So having an s/o who shares interests such as the beauty in darkness, astrology, black magic etc or music would mean a lot to him

When you speak to him, you’ll feel like you’re talking to a billionaire and it’s wonderful. However he doesn’t need someone who matches that, he knows he won’t find it. What he needs is someone who appreciates him for his words and interests

🖤 he can get a little self conscious- so someone who will tell him hes beautiful (THE TRUTH) and reassure him that he’s all they’ll ever need is essential to him even if he won’t admit it

Of course, he needs a romantic. Someone who isn’t afraid to play into an old-fashioned fairytale romance. Pick him flowers, call him darling. Love is so precious, and to him there’s nothig better than having something straight out of a story

[seven-oomen]

Since you’ve been posting candid type pics/story ideas, this is one I found that I had almost used for one of the moodboards, because I was like “hey, group of the adults”, but it has Susan in it, and I wasn’t sure if you had plans to bring Natalie into the story or not, so I skipped it.  But it’s adorable and worth sharing, anyway.

And your explanations for Jackson and Ben are entirely sensible and logical, but I still like my theory. XD  I also look forward to meeting whatever future spawn you decide on for the boys.  I can’t decide if it would be more entertaining for Noah’s mini-me to also be a druid or turn out to be a wolf.  Speaking of twins, a friend’s 10yr old daughter said recently “if I had a twin that was five minutes younger than me, I’d tell them ‘When I was your age’ and then describe what I was doing five minutes, ago”, and I can’t figure out if it sounds more like Allison or Malia, but it definitely sounds like one of them.

Apples to Apples is basically like a more kid-friendly version of CAH, unless you are playing with people like my friends, who can find a way to make anything deeply wrong and vaguely offensive if they wish.  And also I feel like there are many incidents of Stiles and Jax getting stupidly heated while playing Candy Land with their little siblings, to the point where they end up banned from joining in.

I adore the idea of clothes sharing (hence me being so determined to find images of them in what I could pretend was the same black button down for the family moodboard.)  And I feel Chris and Peter would have vastly different ideas about what constitutes “too tight” than Noah and would occasionally try to get him to wear some of their shirts anyway, for their own enjoyment.  (The olive green hoodie Peter is wearing in the ep where he and Derek hire Braeden seems very his style, for example.)  I don’t think either of the other two are quite brave enough to try Peter’s “v-neck cardigan worn like it’s a normal shirt” look, though. XD  All of which also begs the question of whether they do it for…other reasons, too.  Like if Noah is ever stuck in an endless budget meeting only to suddenly get a text from the other two of them wearing some of his spare uniform shirts and very little else.  Or if Peter ever comes home to find his Omegas each wearing one of his leather jackets  (because you know he’s got several) and their triskelion necklaces, and suddenly he’s getting “we missed you, Alpha” crooned in both ears simultaneously in a gravelly whisper, and wow I’m getting way off topic here…  Anyway, yes to clothes sharing, is what I’m saying.  (Also, the pen thing is golden.  Just imagine the looks on people’s faces.)

And I like the new preview, am super happy to see Jordan.  I can’t wait to see how he fits into things and helps with everything.  I don’t think I’ve ever really seen an a/b/o that tackled how nb identities would fit into that sort of society, so I’m excited to see it explored.  Also he always tends to come across as pretty calm and easy-going, and lord knows they could use a few people like that right now.

Hope you’re feeling better, and that Mo has calmed some.  I know just how much the pressure changes from storm systems can mess with someone, especially if you were already not feeling the best.

I’ve honestly just been smiling at this the whole day and I managed to write 3.3K to the draft because of this message and the new review by @ready-to-kick-some-ass. 

Right now the chapter has almost 8K on it and I will probably try and get it to 10-12K.

I’m not sure if I’ll add Natalie and if I can naturally fit her into the story. But I definitely know she was a part of the friend group in this universe, so that picture is just really fitting. It’s so sweet <3.

As for the twins, I’ll let you have your headcanons. But I’m not gonna tell too much. It’s fun watching you speculate ^^.

Speaking of twins, a friend’s 10yr old daughter said recently “if I had a twin that was five minutes younger than me, I’d tell them ‘When I was your age’ and then describe what I was doing five minutes, ago”, and I can’t figure out if it sounds more like Allison or Malia, but it definitely sounds like one of them.

Both of them. Either of them. Malia or Allison would absolutely do this to Jax and Stiles. They’re both about 20 minutes older than their younger siblings, so they would definitely describe something they’ve done 20 min ago just to piss the boys off.

And my god would they be banned. I feel like Chris just listens to them screaming for twenty minutes until he finally has enough of all this bullshit and just bans them from playing that game ever again. Malia is quickly banned thereafter when she gets heated over having to move backward and loses to Ben and the youngest twins. Allison and Lydia take over playing the game with the kids.

And you know they would. Chris has quickly figured out that he can get either of them home within ten minutes if he sends them a risque picture of him just wearing a toolbelt with his hunter gear on it. He’s not wearing anything else, just the toolbelt with the guns and bow and the triskelion necklace. But it works just fine. (The weapons are positioned in just such a way that he’s not actually revealing any of the goods, but he’s also not wearing any clothes. So.. yeah)

Chris and Peter would send Noah pictures of them wearing his uniform shirts while he’s in budgeting meetings or performance reviews or whatnot. Especially during the months when they’re actively trying to expand the family, things would crank up to 100 with these boys. But even when they’re not, they love to get each other riled up with sexy pictures.

And I feel Chris and Peter would have vastly different ideas about what constitutes “too tight” than Noah and would occasionally try to get him to wear some of their shirts anyway, for their own enjoyment.  (The olive green hoodie Peter is wearing in the ep where he and Derek hire Braeden seems very his style, for example.)  I don’t think either of the other two are quite brave enough to try Peter’s “v-neck cardigan worn like it’s a normal shirt” look, though. XD

Fair point, they absolutely would try and get him to wear their shirts. Because let’s be real, he’d look absolutely smoking in a tight shirt or a tight-fitting hoodie. And seeing Noah in their shirts just does something to Peter and Chris. It’s a matter of staking their claim on their sheriff.

And I think nobody can wear those v-necks but Peter. Chris lovingly refers to them as the porno shirts. Because honestly, only Peter or a porn star could get away with a shirt cut that low.

They certainly need a calm mind right now, and I really wanted to add a trans* NB character who’s also on the aro/ace spectrum and somehow that just clicked for Jordan. I don’t know why. But I really want to explore a society where there are two ‘main sexes’ (both with two variations male and female) and then add someone who doesn’t identify with any of them. And yet said person is probably the most level headed and calm of them all, so to speak. I’m excited to add Jordan to the cast list and explore his identity.

Mo and I are doing okay today, he’s been really clingy after the thunderstorm but it’s slowly getting back to his usual behavior. I reckon he’ll be fine by tomorrow.

[gibaraltar]

idk where im gonna put all my headcanons in the long run but look. ok Titanfall and thus Apex are in the nebulous far future, but with the drawbacks of technology having to be generally very practical due to (I assume) the wars, the comparatively sudden large-scale exploration into deep space, and so on. CW: surgery, dysphoria, trans health What im trying to say is trans healthcare has come a really long way, probably. I think that despite this, its kind of function over form even though the form aspect is beyond what we might expect today. Things like minimization/avoiding of scarring are important and possible to an extent we see only rarely now, but i think only prioritized in high visibility areas or if its the primary concern of the patient. Instead, the focus is keeping or improving functionality and lining up the form with the patient’s vision on an individual level, and as such results and expectations are pretty highly variable! tl;dr while I drew trans mirage with top surgery scars for me, pretty much, I do have a few hcs on how mirage being trans would pan out in canon context (i have been percolating for a WHILE so this is long):

1) Always Knew he pretty much looks like a cis dude. He went on puberty blockers/similar early (thanks to supportive mother and brothers) and has a pretty much fully functional bottom situation, & what little scar care there was, it was easier when he was younger and had the time and space and spent more time staying at home fiddling with tech, so there isnt much that “gives it away” per se. As an nb/trans guy i really like this one because like. personally, the idea of just. a reasonable amount of effort to pretty much align my brain and body seems appealing! but probably the only way this one gets drawn by me is finishing a trans gibraltar/trans mirage comic idea i had where they were both like “i have something to tell you before we-- WAIT HOLD ON YOU TOO???” because it would actually involve the things that would make this different from just drawing mirage cis lmao,,, All said its not exactly unrealistic for mirage to just be running around like “IM TRANS AND LOVE MY KINGS QUEENS AND EVERYTHING OTHER AND INBETWEENS IN THE TRANS COMMUNITY ✊🏽😤 RESPECT AND GRATITUDE LEGENDS ONLY!!!!!” rather than being stealth LOL 2) The Classic transitioned a little later but has still been on T for like a decade+. Did have to have non-minor top surgery, but this would have been not apparent if he could sit still, wait the appropriate time after surgery, and practice proper care but he absolutely could not for the life of him LMAO he fidgeted, took off anything uncomfortable a little earlier than he should have, and started working out and running around doing errands too quick. In his defense, I’d imagine this was when he and his mother were realizing they might be alone for longer than they’d hoped (and also during a tumultuous wartime period where Mirage may have also been trying to keep fit in case of being drafted or wanting to follow his brothers) but not sure how that would line up timeline wise. This would be the one I drew! I like to think that while sometimes he regrets not taking better care of them, for the most part, the scars are a point of pride. 3) The Homebody absolutely no surgery, partially out of feeling he didn’t need it, but also out of discomfort and questioning. Still on hormones though, and slowly coming around to at least considering surgery instead of putting it out of his mind or dismissing it. I have also drawn this Mirage but its nsfw lmao so i cant... show it... here at least. This is also Big Projection candidate #1. im valid though ok AAAANYWAY I always have like infinite sometimes clashing hcs for this stuff so to me none of these are more valid than another and ofc however you personally envision trans mirage and also trans care in the titanfall/apex universe is equally valid, i just. this is the only place i can say this stuff out loud LMAO so!! fwiw the other trans hcs i have are for Gibraltar, Lifeline, and Octane but also everyone is trans i dont make the rules 🤷🏽

[realsocialskills]

Babysitting a nonspeaking four year old

Question from an anonymous reader:

I regularly babysit a 3 (almost 4) year old who has Autism. He does not speak, and he doesn't yet have a reliable alternative form of communication like signing or AAC, though he probably will soon.

 I have a lot of friends and two cousins who have Autism, but they all speak or sign. I find it difficult sometimes to understand what the kiddo in question is thinking, or wants, and I wondered if you or any of your followers have any first hand tips or advice on how I could better understand him? 

I know everyone is different, and I'm learning to read things like his body language, but I wondered if you/any of your followers who don't speak or spoke later than most remember anything that helped them get across what they meant when they were younger, or things adults did that were especially helpful. He doesn't have the coordination to sign or draw what he wants yet, being so little. I want to help him feel less frustrated and to be as good a babysitter as I can be.

Realsocialskills answered:

For the sake of readability, I’m going to call your cousin Anthony in this post. 

The first thing I’d say is: Listening to Anthony matters whether or not you succeed in understanding him. You may not be able to figure out what he is thinking, he may not yet be able to tell you — but you *can* treat him as a person who has thoughts and feelings worth listening to. That matters in and of itself, and it also makes successful communication much more likely.

Learning to communicate is really hard, even for typically developing kids. (Which is a reason why two year olds have so many tantrums, and why older kids usually grow out of that.) In early childhood education, a lot of what kids learn is that it’s possible to communicate in ways that others can understand — and that words are usually a better option than freaking out. One of the main ways early childhood educators teach kids these skills is by listening to them, and by supporting them in understanding the feelings they’re having. 

Kids with communication disabilities have more trouble learning to communicate in ways that others can understand — and they also often have more trouble learning that communication is even possible. Disabled kids need *more* exposure to adults who want to listen to them, and *more* support in understanding their feelings — but they often get less of both. Their feelings are often ignored, and their communication is often treated as nonexistent. 

All too often, kids with disabilities learn young that no one wants to listen to them. They often try their best to communicate, only to have their attempts interpreted as random meaningless noise or deviant misbehavior. When nobody listens, it becomes really hard to keep trying. One of the best things you can do for Anthony right now is help him not to give up.

It’s important to keep in mind that Anthony is a person with a perspective of his own. Our culture socializes us to see people with disabilities as having needs, but not thoughts or feelings. That implicit bias goes really deep for almost everyone, including AAC experts and long-time disability rights activists. Be careful to treat Anthony as a person with thoughts, feelings, and questions. This is a profoundly countercultural attitude. You can’t assume that it will happen by itself; you have to do it on purpose. (I did a presentation on this for medical providers a while ago which may be of interest.  )

Some specific things you can try:

Say explicitly that you’re trying to understand, eg:

“I don’t understand you yet, but I’m listening”.

“I’m not sure what you mean, but I do care”.

It doesn’t go without saying — and sometimes saying it makes a big difference!

Look for actions that might be intended as communication:

Does he point at things? Lead you to things? Flap differently under some circumstances?

Make a guess about what you think he might mean, and act on it.

It can be worth using words to describe what you’re doing, eg:

“I think you want the book because you’re looking at the book. I am getting the book”.

“I think the light is bothering you because you’re covering your eyes. I am turning off the light.”

He can’t read your mind, so it might not be obvious to him that you’re acting on what you think he’s doing — so tell him!

Name feelings you think he might be having, eg: 

“Susan took your truck. You are mad.”

“You like the marbles. You are happy.”

“Jumping is so fun!”

“You don’t like that texture.”

(Nb: Telling *adults* what they are feeling in these terms is usually *not* a good idea, but it’s a pretty common method used to help little kids learn about feelings — *if* you know with reasonable certainty what their feelings are.)

Ask questions, and offer choices, eg:

“Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt?”

“Should we read the princess book or the truck book?”

“Should we go to the swings or the sandbox?”

Even if he can’t respond, being asked matters — it shows him that you care what he thinks, and that there’s a reason to try to communicate.

It can help to make the options more concrete, eg:

He might be more able to tell you which shirt he wants if you’re holding both of them. 

Or if you’re holding one in one hand and one in the other.

Or if you put them down in front of him.

If he responds to your question in a way that you think might be communication, respond to it as communication: 

Eg:  “You pointed to the dragon book, so we’ll read the dragon book”.

Or it may make more sense to just start reading it. Sometimes that works better than inserting too many words. 

Eg: “Ok, we’ll go to the park”.

You can also try yes-or-no questions:

“Do you want to go to the park? Yes or no?”

“Do you want to read the dragon book? Yes or no?”

“Is the dragon scary? Yes or no?”

“Is the king silly? Yes or no?”

Again, even if he can’t respond in a way you understand, trying matters.

You also might be able to teach him to point to things:

Pointing doesn’t require motor skills on the same level that writing and drawing do.

Again, in the two book example, you can ask him to point to the one he wants.

You can also show him pointing by doing it yourself, eg:

Take two books, and say “I choose the dragon book”, point to it, then read it.

Take two books and ask him “Which book do you choose?”

(Etc: It can take some time and trial and error to figure out how to teach this in a way that sticks, but it’s often worth trying.)

If he has a way to communicate “yes”, and “no” or choose between options, you can also check your guesses more directly:

“I think you said park. Am I right?”

“Did you say park, or something else?”

“Are you trying to tell me something, or are you playing?”

Remember that words can be communication even when they’re unusual: A lot of autistic people use idiosyncratic language to refer to things, or repeat phrases they heard somewhere else – in a way that they may or may not mean literally. Here’s a method for noticing when repetition is communication , and some thoughts on listening to folks whose speech is unusual.

Give him time to process and respond:

The standard teaching advice is: When you ask a question, wait at least seven seconds before you say anything else.

This feels a little unnatural — it can feel like a *very* awkward pause, and it can be tempting to jump in and say more stuff to clarify.

But if you say more stuff to someone who is thinking and formulating their answer, it tends to just give them *more* stuff to process. 

So give him time to respond — and be aware that autistic people often need longer to process and respond.

If you have an iPad you’re willing to let him play with, iPad use can really help some kids with motor skills and learning communicative cause-and-effect.

Most kids learn pretty quickly how to scroll through select the app they want, and that skill often transfers.

Most kids that age like Endless ABC, a really fun pre-literacy words-and-spelling app. https://www.originatorkids.com/?p=564

(That app also builds an association between interacting with a touch screen and making meaningful sounds)

You can also try the Toca Boca apps — a lot of kids like those, and some, like Toca Hair Salon, don’t require particularly strong motor skills.

Often, the best way is to play with the app together — eg, you show them how to drag the letters around, then offer them a turn.

Or help them out when they get stuck, without taking over.

Or say things like “which color should we pick? How about purple?” and see how they react.

Don’t expect AAC to fix everything:

Everything in this post still applies once he gets a device or a system.

An AAC device is just a tool. It’s one mode of communication, which might be useful for him under some circumstances.

Having an AAC device will not make him instantaneously able to communicate using words in the way that typically-developing kids his age do.

While some people learn to use an AAC device fluently very quickly, that is rare. 

Most people who use AAC because of a childhood speech delay take a long time to learn it.

And in any case, giving someone a tool doesn’t cure their disability. 

An AAC user with a communication disability still has a communication disability, and disabilities that interfere with speech sometimes also interfere with language. 

Even people *without* language disabilities tend to take a while to learn, for all the same reasons that typically-developing kids take a while to learn how to use words to express themselves. Communication takes practice.

(And also, all existing AAC technology has significant limitations and difficulties. It’s easier for typically developing kids to learn to speak than it would be to learn to use AAC, and having a speech disability doesn’t magically make AAC use easy.)

AAC implementations can also end up treating AAC use as an end in itself and forget that the point is to support communication. 

For most AAC users, AAC is one communication mode among many they use, and it’s not always the best one in every situation — eg: pointing to a banana can be a *much* more efficient way to communicate than scrolling through a device and finding the “I” “want” and “banana” buttons.

If Anthony gets an AAC system, he will still need you to put effort into listening to him, and he will still need you to take all of his communication seriously.

Remember that disability isn’t bad behavior, and don’t be mean:

Don’t ignore his communication in order to force him to talk or use a system.

The best way to encourage communication is to listen!

He’s not struggling to communicate because he’s lazy; he’s struggling to communicate because he has a disability.

He’s doing something really hard, and he’s in a hard situation, and that needs to be respected and supported.

You don’t need to introduce artificial difficulty; he is already experiencing more than his share of the real kind.

Anyone else want to weigh in? What is helpful for effective communication with a nonspeaking four year old?

 Tl;dr If you’re babysitting a kid who has trouble with communication, the most important thing you can do is listen to them. Scroll up for some specific options. 

[thefaeriereview]

Title: The Hunted and the Hind

Series: Lost in Time #3

Author: A. L. Lester

Publisher: JMS Books LLC

Release Date: 30 December 2020

Heat Level: 3 - Some Sex

Pairing: Male/Male, Male/NB

Length: 40,000 words

Genre: Romance, Fantasy, Mystery, Non-binary, Paranormal, Romantic Suspense, Historical, 1920s

Add to Goodreads

Synopsis

Inadvertently tumbling through the border after Fenn and then thrown into the middle of the internecine political disputes of their people, Sergeant Will Grant of the Metropolitan Police has spent three months in prison in the Underhalls of the Frem. When Fenn comes to free him and return him home through the border, he has very little time to work out what’s going on before the sudden appearance of Fenn’s missing younger sibling, Keren, throws Fenn for a loop.

Instead of returning them to London as planned, the trio step through the border to the Egyptian desert. Once they work out where they are, it’s a two week trip back to England with the possibility of pursuit both onboard ship and when they reach home.

Will the journey give Fenn and Will time to resolve the feelings they have been dancing around since the day they met? How will they keep Keren from recapture by the faction who tried to persuade Fenn they were dead? And has Will’s friend Alec forgiven Fenn for lying about their motives when they first traveled to London four months ago?

The Hunted and the Hind is the third and final book in the 1920s ‘Lost in Time’ trilogy. The books need to be read in order.

Rating & Review

5 out of 5

The Hunted and the Hind is wonderful. OK, first I have to say as a non-binary person I have a soft spot for fiction involving enbys done well. This was excellent! Not just the non-binary, but the story overall. You get quickly immersed and can feel the world surround you the deeper you go into the book. The characters and world are well-developed, and the story has great pacing. Highly recommend!

Excerpt

“Can I ride the one over there, please, Will Grant?” Keren called across the yard, pointing at creature with a white stripe down it’s face that they’d become enamored of earlier.

Will Grant nodded and came across the courtyard toward them. “You may. That was my intention, anyway.” They looked at Fenn. “Do you have animals you ride in the Outlands?” they asked.

Fenn stroked Olive’s nose. “Not like these,” they said. “These are beautiful creatures. We sometimes ride the antacas we use for pack animals. Some  people breed them for meat, too. They have horns and a very sharp spine. And are extremely bad tempered. They’re smaller than these, though. Bumpy.”

Will Grant leaned against the stable door next to Fenn, as Keren took themselves across the yard to quiz the horse-keeper. He rubbed at Olive’s ears absently. “You’re not bumpy, are you girl? No-one would dream of accusing you of such a dreadful thing!”

The horse shook its head and buffeted Will Grant’s stomach. He staggered a little against Fenn’s side and blew out a laugh. It was very strange to see them like this, out of their city clothes, in what Fenn assumed were special clothes for riding. The humans seemed to have a variety of different clothes for each task, rather than sensible clothing that would serve for most things. Here in private, both Fenn and Keren had donned the extra clothes made for them in Port Said, patterned more or less on their usual loose trousers and robes.

It was even stranger to see Will laugh like this. After the conversation with their parent this morning, Will had seemed to let go of a little of the tension that had gathered round them since this trip had been mooted. It was a nice look on them, Fenn decided. Underneath it all was the tension and sadness that was Will’s permanent signature. But a little of that had eased. Fenn wondered what it would take to ease the rest of it.

“Come on, then,” Will Grant said, straightening. “Let’s get Keren up and we can go out for a wander through the woods and down to the lake. And once we’re there we can try our kias out near the water. We’re lucky Mama has kept the stable going, with no-one but her here to ride.” He glanced around. “The men coming home needed the work.”

Fenn nodded. “Your parent is a good person,” they said, cautiously. “They reminded me of Ana. Very…,” they searched for an accurate, polite word.

Will Grant laughed. “Very, yes,” they said. Their eyes had softened. “I haven’t done right by her,” they said. “I’ve been too wrapped up in my own head. I should have come home before.”

“It doesn’t sound like you were ready,” Fenn replied. “Home is a difficult place to be, sometimes.”

Will Grant shook their head. “But still. She’s my mother and she lost all of us. Father died a few years before the war and she missed him dreadfully. It was a love match, I think. They spent a lot of time together, anyway.”

Both of them were leaning against the stable door now, talking quietly whilst they watched the bustle as the horse-keepers got animals out for them all to ride.

“Is that not always the case, here?” Fenn asked, curiously.

Will looked at them over Olive’s nose. “For Mama’s generation, not always. Sometimes, marrying well is more important than whether you have strong feelings for your potential partner. Making the marriage and producing children is the thing, you see.”

Fenn looked at him.

“Not for me,” they hastened to add. “Mama has given up trying to marry me off. She made it clear this morning that she has no expectations in that direction at all.” They hesitated. “She said, you are welcome to visit here, too. She knows that I…have feelings…for you.”

Fenn was silent for a moment. “I would be honored to visit them,” they said. “Whether or not you have feelings for me, Will Grant.” They felt the shiver of embarrassment in Will’s kias. Humans did not talk about this sort of thing, apparently. Probably because most of them didn’t have kias and had to articulate everything verbally. It was very graceless and left a lot of room for misunderstanding. How did people without any kias at all between them manage?

They gently opened the edges of their kias to Will Grant and allowed their own feelings to be felt. Admiration, friendship, desire, love. All of it. Will glanced over and smiled, clearly picking some of it up without even trying to reach back.

The two of them stood against the door in amicable silence until the chief horse-keeper called across the yard, “Ready, Mr William? I’ve got Peter tacked up for you, here!”

Will Grant started. “Coming, Ralph. Thank you.

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Meet the Author

Writer of queer, paranormal, historical, romantic suspense. Lives in the South West of England with Mr AL, two children, a badly behaved dachshund, a terrifying cat and some hens. Likes gardening but doesn't really have time or energy. Not musical. Doesn't much like telly. Non-binary. Chronically disabled. Has tedious fits.

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[ruleandruinrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, ISAAC!

You have been accepted for the role of ARSEN TARASOV. Admin Rosey: Truly, I could not be more over the moon with your portrayal of Arsen. It’s like you plucked him out of my head and brought him too life -- everything from what drew you to him to the smallest of headcanons had me saying YES, YES, YES. You showed me the perfect amount of what I expected to see, what I knew of Arsen, and those aspects of him I did not expect at all. By the time I finished your application, I knew it was the right fit. Arsen would be upset. I would be upset. The whole of Ravka would be upset if I denied them this Arsen you have brought to life. Thank you, so much for your beautiful application and welcome to R&R!  You have 24 HOURS to send in your account. Also, remember to look at the CHECKLIST. Welcome to Ravka!

OUT OF CHARACTER

ALIAS: Isaac

PREFERRED PRONOUNS: he/him.

AGE: 22

TIMEZONE & ACTIVITY LEVEL: 7 out of 10. I’m a college student with depression – muse can come and go, school can sap that life out of me. That said, I do my best to get online when every day and read through replies/communicate with other players, especially since school is over for the summer. There are times when I’m replying every day and times when it’s not so frequent but, for the most part, I’m good at getting my replies every 2-3 days.

TRIGGERS: OMITTED

CURRENT/PAST ACCOUNTS: @il-scarvves / @lxllian / @thxnecromancer, @bxgbadwxlf, @greybvck, @rjlcpin

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER: Arsen Timofei Tarasov

ARSEN: if you changed one letter, what would you get? You’d get a raging fire; a fire that burned, that destroyed, cruel as death and all too intentional. Arson. The comparison was there, was made, and even it’s blue eyed subject couldn’t deny it. But arson is crude; arson is the action of a human seeking entertainment. Arsen is purposeful and he is anything but human. If Arsen wants to destroy for fun, he has a million ways to do it besides his flame.

TIMOFEI: what a joke. Timofei – one who honors God. Arsen is a devil with horns and the smile of a sankt. God? Angel? No. Never. Violence courses though him; Gods can be capricious, even cruel, but they don’t take kindly to boys with pride and boys with pride don’t take kindly to being told to submit. His parents tried, tried to give him a name that might humble Arsen. They failed.

TARASOV: not noble, not rich – when he was born, he was swaddled in rough cloth that grated his soft skin. If the name Tarasov means anything to anyone it’s because of Arsen, because of the boy that burns brighter than the sun and who has stars for eyes.

WHAT DREW YOU TO THIS CHARACTER? How could I not be drawn like a moth to a flame? Arsen, as a character, burns with boldness and glimmers with beauty. Characters like his, who disdain all but few, who put himself above all if he could, who take delight in creating chaos – they’re just so much fun (and so, so irresistible).

As a character, those were things that drew me to Arsen – that vanity, beauty, and arrogance but also his love for his brothers and his fire. As a person, I was drawn to the fact that he identifies as a demiboy. I’m genderfluid, typically using male pronouns and presenting as masculine though not always. The fact this character that I fell in love with is also NB like me and uses fluid pronouns like me really meant a lot. He’s bisexual too but not specifically the guy who sleeps with everything that breathes; none of his connections are sexual in nature and while he’s described as a ‘creature of passion and indulgence’, it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘guy who slept with everyone’ – I was able to interpret a bisexual character who was sex-positive but not sex-obsessed and that’s really important too.

WHAT FUTURE PLOT IDEAS DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

A CHILD’S GAME: when Arsen was young, he had a game he liked to play with his siblings. It wasn’t a game they were privy to, just unwitting pawns for him to manipulate. He turned one against another and delighted in the fallout, swooping in at the last second with a charming grin and comforting words. I don’t that think that changed when he was brought to Os Alta; just because they fanned his flames, gave him more outlets for his cruelty, doesn’t mean old habits died, especially ones he delighted in so. I’d like to see Arsen continue to play his games, to manipulate others, turn one against another with a sly look and a whispered ‘did you hear…?’ I’d like to explore the outcomes of past games; people who’ve caught on to his tactics, people who have fallen victim to them, and, most of all, the unwitting pawns for all his future plays. Maybe, even, someone to play these games with – a chess-master against another chess-master.

A MAN’S HEART: Arsen loves few and trusts fewer. There is Valerian, who he’d die for, and Shona and Luka who brighten up his days but, beyond that, there’s not much. But there could be and then there could be heartbreak and I want to see that disaster. I want to see him love someone in the way he does (romantically or otherwise) – that way that consumes him, makes him need them like air, makes him red-hot with jealousy – and then see it all fall apart. See his anger, his hurt, see it crumble his well-controlled flame, manicured facade, and stone walls. I want to see him break, I want to see him become ashes, and I want to see what rises from those ashes; he’s a star and I want to see what happens when the star dies – does he fade into a black dwarf, does he become a new neutron star, or does he become a black hole?

A DEVIL’S HALO: when dealing with a character with so much pride, you can’t help but think of the ultimate embodiment of pride – that, and what happened to him. What happens when his pride becomes to much? When one too many compliments sends the whole pile toppling? Does he resemble another star with too much pride or does something else happen? Wound his pride, is what I’m saying. Make him fail, make him realize he isn’t a heavenly being, and make him deal with that.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO HAVE YOUR CHARACTER DIE? No, I don’t think so. I think everything short of death – every fall from grace, every punishment, every torture – I’d be okay with but I’d rather play Arsen through his falls and hardships. I’m attached already tbh.

IN DEPTH

IN CHARACTER PARA SAMPLE(S):

She was a small slip of a girl with mouse brown hair and ruddy cheeks that starkly contrasted her snow-pale skin. It was an earthen look, one that was a dime a dozen around the Little Palace, and not something Arsen Tarasov cared for. In another universe, they wouldn’t have looked twice at her; they wouldn’t have looked twice at her here (they weren’t exactly fond of all the young Grisha in training – they were grating and messy) but she was everywhere they went. Lurking around corners, standing a hall-length away… It was getting unnerving.

Unnerving but not unsurprising.

It wasn’t the first time they’d attracted an admirer; shining as brilliantly as a star, as inviting as a flame, how could Arsen not attract a few hanger-ons? That didn’t mean they were welcome, especially not when they were stalking Arsen through the Little Palace, being everywhere they turned.

Valerian was the first to notice it, actually. They stood beside their friend, their brother by everything but blood, chatting and catching up in the gardens. Valerian had glanced over their shoulder and Arsen had rolled his eyes. How could anyone take their attention off of them? Especially when they were talking. The blond frowned and playfully shoved their friend’s shoulder.

“My eyes are here, love.” Their expression was twisted with one of those dramatic, faux-pouts. Arsen wasn’t upset, just mildly annoyed.

“And what beautiful eyes they are,” crooned Valerian in response, lips curled in a crooked grin. “I think someone else noticed too.” He jerked his head towards the opposite side of the gardens. Arsen huffed and glanced over, eyes scanning the scene until they noticed the girl half-hidden behind a column.

They noticed her freckles, like dirt, and her red cheeks that made her look like she’d just been exercising. That was all they cared to notice though.

“What about her?”

It was Valerian’s turn to roll his eyes which he did and then, to top it off, he shook his head. “Just thought you’d like to know that you’ve got a little stalker.”

“I didn’t.” If Arsen sounded annoyed it was because they were annoyed. They’d been talking, after all, about the other day when they’d embarrassed Rita. It was a much more important topic than that little girl lurking in the shadows.

…Said every petulant five year old ever.

And, like the parent of every petulant five year old, Valerian relented and let the subject return to what it had been. Not that Arsen was a five year old but they could be petulant at times, especially around someone they trusted like Valerian; this, of course, was not something the golden-haired Adonis would ever admit.

From there on, Arsen noticed her more and more in the places they went. The people they talked to did too – at least Shona and Luka did though because they’d actually noticed her or because Valerian had told them, Arsen couldn’t be sure. She was there nonethless, behind every turn, staring at them with wide, dark eyes. The only times she wasn’t there was when, they presumed, she was in her classes.

They learned her name from one of the others in the Little Palace: Nadzeija, Durast. She was young and Arsen wanted nothing to do with her. Despite the disdainful looks they gave her, that annoyed curl of their expression anytime she appeared in their line of sight, she didn’t give up. They applauded her tenacity even it annoyed them beyond reproach. They knew they were irresistible but couldn’t she get a hint? The fire is pretty but, unless you’re something special, you don’t play with it.

The straw the broke the camel’s back occurred on a snowy day. Arsen disliked snow. It put them in a sour mood from the moment they woke up and peered out the window. Seeing the white dusting on the roofs, the flakes fluttering through the air… Arsen glowered at the world outside like it had insulted their mother – or themself rather, they didn’t care much if someone insulted their mother.

Breakfast had been bland and the blond had felt a headache coming on as they sat at the long table, listening to all the chatter that surrounded them. Valerian was out that morning and that was just a cherry on top. As they were leaving breakfast, they ran headfirst into the mousy girl.

It was the closest they’d ever gotten. She wasn’t much different up close: freckles, red cheeks, pale skin, limp dark hair, and big dark eyes. The most notable thing was how short she was. They easily had a foot on Nadzeija, maybe more. She looked nervous too, standing beneath his icy gaze.

“Uh… I’m sorry for, uh…” she stuttered, looking down at her feet which scraped against the stone floor. Arsen rolled their eyes.

“For what? Running into me or stalking me?”

Someone snickered as they passed them by.

If it was possible, Nadzeija’s cheeks got redder; she certainly got quieter.

Had she really not noticed that they’d noticed her? Did she think she’d snuck up on them? Been able to steal glances and out-clever the fiery fox? If she had, she was more foolish than they’d originally thought.

Arsen could’ve left her alone in that moment; she was already shamed, already likely to go straight back to her room, bury her head in her pillow, and not be seen for another week. She was looking at the ground like she wanted it to swallow her whole. They could’ve let her go. They didn’t. Mercy might have been a word in their vocabulary but it was only one they brought out at the right time; other times, they were as cruel and wounding as a blaze. This time was the latter.

“It’s disturbing, you know. Looking over my shoulder and always know that there’ll be someone there, watching me. I can barely piss in peace. Look across the dining hall, you’re staring at me. Turn the corner, you’re there. Glance around, find you. It’s creepy, not cute.” With every word, the girl sunk into herself more, like a flower wilting. Arsen didn’t care. “Your dedication might be endearing if it weren’t some wildly misapplied; now you’re just a stalker. What’s the next step? Going to steal my underwear? Kidnap me? I bet if I looked in you’re journal, there’d be little doodles of me and little hearts with Mrs. Tarasov in them. What do you have to say for yourself, hn? What defense can your little brain come up with? A crush? Dear, that’s obsession. Well, I’m all ears.”

A silent beat passed, then another. Her head was still bowed, her bangs obscuring her expression. Her fingers were clutched into fists at her side though; no doubt, her heart was pounding in her chest. Arsen waited though, grinning like the cat that caught the canary – it was a cold and cruel expression, one that could cut through steel resolve. Not that she seemed the type to be so hardened; she looked like glass about to shatter.

Another beat passed and then she turned; her heals squeak on the floor and she began to walk away. They watched her go but she didn’t turn back around, didn’t even lift her head. She nearly bumped into someone again as she walked away – that someone had been Valerian. He watched her go then turned back to Arsen.

“What did you do?” he asked apprehensively, looking his brother up and down.

“We just talked.”

“You made her cry.”

Arsen shrugged their shoulders. “She deserved it.”

“I think our definitions of deserve might be a little different.” That was the last Valerian said on the subject though; there were better things to do than argue.

Next time Arsen looked over his shoulder, the girl wasn’t there.

CHARACTER HEADCANONS:

RED ROUGE: I can see Arsen being someone who likes to wear make-up – a red lip tint, something to darken and line his eyes, etc. While he’s already gorgeous without the make-up, of course (an angel loses their wings every time he admires himself I sweat. to. God.), he thinks it makes him prettier.

HEART-BEATING FAST: I mentioned that I see his love as something that is all-consuming, like an inferno. Allow me to explain: Arsen doesn’t love often but, when he does, it’s a sort of love that he’d die for. He put himself in harm’s way, in front of a dagger or another Grisha’s magic, if it meant saving those he loves. For someone so arrogant, so full of himself and in love with living, that’s something. It’s a dangerous something too, prone to anger and jealousy, ready to kill and even give up everything if necessary – again, he’d die for Valerian and death scares him most of all.

HONOR THEY MOTHER AND FATHER: since being sent to Os Alta to train, Arsen has had limited contact with his parents over the years, less so when they realized he wasn’t turning out how they’d hope. It’s no love lost, really; Arsen’s parents wanted something human and he was not. If Arsen gets or sends a letter from/to his parents, it’s a rare thing indeed. They’ve got plenty of other brats to serve their parental instincts. How many was it now? Five? Six? Arsen can’t be bothered to recall.

THE MONSTER UNDER THE BED: Arsen’s fears are spiders or heights, not thunderstorms or lightning strikes – the latter of those he actually likes, he’s neutral on heights, and while he’s not exactly fond of bugs, he’s not going to run screaming away from them either. So then what does he fear most? Death. It’s a terrifying concept to him, more so than being shamed or falling from grace – death is irreversible. The shroud cannot be returned from. He fears the deaths of those he loves too but less so than himself (except for, maybe, Valerian).

A SONG OF ANGELS: Arsen if very good at getting what they want. Why? Because they’re very good at saying the right thing. When they want something from someone, they can say all the right words, all the right praises, talk, and chit-chat. They’re good at gauging what someone wants. Of course, they’re better at it with people they know but they’re still fine at making those judgements in other situations. Anyone who ever goes shopping with them will find that Arsen never pays full price for something.

SEX AND GENDER: Arsen is bisexual. He likes men, he likes women, he likes everyone. It’s not that he’ll have sex with everyone but if he’s interested in someone then how they identify isn’t a factor. While he’s certainly prone to his sins, lust among them, he’s note quite the playboy some people peg him for. He’s not ashamed but he’s also discerning, if you get what I mean? Romantically, he’s bi as well but also demi-romantic probably since I don’t see him having romantic feelings more as an off-shoot of his platonic feelings rather than it’s own separate thing. He also identifies as demiboy and use he/him and they/them pronouns depending on how he feels at the time.

EXTRAS:

I made a mockblog!

I also have edits in this tag and incorrect quotes in this tag.

And here are some personality statistics:

HOGWARTS HOUSE: Slytherin

MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic evil or neutral. I had a hard to time deciding on this; while Arsen enjoys the whole ‘beauty in chaos’ thing and one of his favorite past-times is turning people against each other, he does good things if it serves him.

MBTI: ESTP

ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Scorpio (Nov. 2nd)

ENNEAGRAM: type three – the achiever

ANYTHING ELSE? OMITTED.

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

Mystery and Misery: "I/O" and Cameron and Donna's roles therein (or, a sort of/inverse H&CF recap)

The first thing I noticed when I put on the pilot of Halt and Catch Fire for this dedicated rewatch is that it’s long for an hour of network television, at 47 minutes. It didn't feel long though, probably because it doesn't waste a single frame or second, and thusly manages to cover a lot of ground. Rather than merely setting up the premise of the show it effectively establishes it, including the characters, most of their relationships and dynamics, and their relationships to the places and locations in the show; there is nothing tentative or conveniently ambiguous about it. It is an incredibly ambitious introductory hour of television, which is appropriate for a show about what turns out to be a group of very ambitious individuals.

The second thing I noticed is that "I/O" feels more like a movie than a television episode, and that if it were a bit longer, it probably could be. I don't know if it would be possible or worthwhile to make a two hour movie about the entire process of designing the Giant, but I think it could work as a feature film about facing off against IBM (though not necessarily an interesting one, but either way, the pensive legal drama about one young male lawyer's ethical struggle is a thing, is it not?). All you'd really have to do is draw out and really dramatize all the IBM/deposition stuff -- and fill in all the 'missing' scenes of Cameron and Donna that are curiously absent.

Based on the rest of the series but against my better judgment, I'm going to give the showrunners the benefit of the doubt and say that Cameron and Donna appear sparingly in the pilot for good reason. It's easy to read their limited presence as a quiet commentary on how both fictional and real women are frequently sidelined in television and in life, and as a set up meant to surprise the viewer with how essential they both quickly become to the plot, though just writing this out makes it feel overdone. (And if I remember right, a lot of critics and recappers weren't feeling it either.) But it makes sense if you look at Cameron and Donna's roles in "I/O" separately.

Cameron appears in the opening scenes of the pilot, and then returns at the end of it. This is partly because she's still four hours away from the action for most of the show, but the show could have cut back to her life at school -- it doesn't. When we do see her again, getting (physically) thrown out of an arcade, you get the sense that this isn't because her life as a student is typical or easily guessed at; the arcade fight suggests pretty strongly that she hasn't been hanging out on the quad with her friends or planning parties with her sorority sisters. Her absence cultivates genuine mystery and a dark but not so much sinister as sad gut feeling around everything we don't know about this strange, aggressive girl. It might not read for 'normal' viewers, but real life 'strange' girls, orphans, throwaways, gay and trans feminine women, disabled, cr*zy, and especially non-white otherwise marginalized social misfits will understand that people like Cameron are hidden from view because their experiences are not positive or 'normal' by mainstream society's standards, and are not understood or valued. Cameron isn't in most of the first episode because she is truly Unknowable, and literally doesn't fit in with the rest of our characters.

The opposite seems to be true of Donna, who appears here and there in the pilot, but only in scenes with Gordon. This episode doesn't cut to Donna or her life outside of Gordon, either, and she seemingly only pops up to 'nag' Gordon, if by 'nagging' one means dragging Gordon back to the present and/or reality. We get a real sense of what their marriage really feels like, but mostly of what it feels like for Gordon, who unsurprisingly seems to think he's the main character in his marriage. We eventually learn that Donna doesn't seem like she's getting drinks with friends after work or lunching with her sorority sisters either, but by contrast, her daily life isn't shown because it is entirely 'normal', an iteration of womanhood, marriage and working motherhood, based around constantly and silently performing an incredible amount of domestic and emotional labor so taken for granted that it's invisible. Cameron's life is hidden from view, while Donna is practically erased and redrawn as a mean, miserable wife right in front of us.

Until we get our emotional climax toward the end of the pilot, and Gordon realizes that Donna has been right all along. After 30+ minutes of J*e, Gordon, the weird dance they do at Cardiff, and the consummation of their relationship via their illicit 3-day weekend of successful reverse engineering, Donna comes home to a tidy living room, where Gordon is happily engaging with their two young daughters. Thinking that this is the result when Gordon is allowed to pursue his dream, Donna tells him, "Whatever you're dreaming of, build it, I know you can make it great," and Gordon tells her what she's needed to hear, and what he's needed to say, which is simply that their family is more important to him than a pc clone. They make a deal that Donna thinks will make her happy: she will fully support Gordon's pursuit of this project so long as he prioritizes her and the girls.

In the following scenes, Cameron is convinced to drop out of school, move to Dallas, and write the BIOS code for this project. She is both guileless and completely unbeguiled by J*e and his slick charm, but has no immunity when he switches over to warm, not overly paternal approval, and tells her, "See? Now you're thinking like a professional." You can see his manipulation start to finally work on her after he says this, and the way her eyes and face go from tough to perilously vulnerable here is quietly devastating. She finally arrives at Cardiff Electric, where she integrates swiftly into the action around the hasty legitimization of the presently illegal Cardiff pc project, even if she still doesn't exactly blend in. Cameron is immediately taken into a solo meeting (deposition?) with Cardiff's lawyer, where she quickly catches onto and gets on board with the deceptive legal maneuvering that this whole thing is apparently going to require.

As Cameron answers Barry the lawyer's questions and allows him to coach her into saying that no, she has not ever attempted to disassemble or reverse engineer any products manufactured by IBM, we hear his voice over Donna's last scene of the episode, in which she goes out into her garage and gazes at several tables' worth of evidence of the illegal reverse engineering Gordon did just days prior. We unexpectedly cut to her, gazing at various hardware with concern, or is it envy? She's in the garage where Gordon and J*e really bonded over the very laborious process of figuring out an IBM boot code (…or something? And probably other stuff I don't actually know about? sorry), by herself. She's too late, either to stop it or get in on it.

But, she's there, finally, and so is Cameron. Their positions haven't changed much (yet); Cameron is still a true and genuinely unknown quantity and outsider, and Donna is still a long-suffering wife, mother, and some kind of employee at Texas Instruments. But now, we can see them, at least.

Other notes:

I blog for the people who had no idea that "i/o" is short for input/output and had to google it (which I did when I rewatched s1 early last year). No judgment, friends.

The focus on J*e and Gordon feels how I remember it feeling: like a very intentionally hollow version of Mad Men, where J*e's 'charm' and speechfying are barely tolerated by the people most affected by him. Literally everyone sees through him, and we see them see through him.

The thing though, and what makes this series resonate with me personally, is that seeing through someone isn't always enough to protect you from them. Gordon and Cameron are both smarter than Joe, but they both desperately need to be seen by someone, and so his attention works powerfully on them. Donna and Bos are both savvier than J*e, but they’re caught off guard by him, and unprepared to even try to anticipate his calculations.

Still, Gordon recognizes that J*e's enthusiasm is one of the few authentic things about him. He relates to it, and defends him when Donna (not unreasonably?!) identifies J*e's showing up at the movie theater as "cr*zy" ("He's just keyed up, is all")

J*e's whole shtick feels especially and deliciously phony when compared to the visceral and organic-feeling air/stormcloud of 'WHO IS SHE???' that Cameron generates when she's literally just sitting and doing nothing.

NB: there is obviously nothing wrong with having sorority sisters! Just saying that Cameron and Donna are really friendless, and that it’s painfully real. Cameron doesn’t have enough chill for them, Donna doesn’t have the time, and they probably both have trouble relating to other people who aren’t engineers.

My favorite non-Donna/Cameron scene is the sales call-lunch thing. "I'm not going to apologize for caring about your business" is J*e's "I'm not here to tell you about Jesus" moment, but the whole thing, his whole "pitch” where he is so clearly talking to Gordon -- "You can be more; you want to be more, don't you?" -- is like some kind of next level, Don Draper-meets-Tyler Durden shit. Good thing Cameron will be there to keep them from turning into fascists.

The title "Mystery and Misery" is taken from a song/band I love too much to not link to, even if they have nothing to do with any of this.