#i need to get tested for adhd tbh

[vicaliciouz]

This is a random appreciation post

But OH MY GOD i fucking love how fast paced dead boy detectives is and how speedily the gilmores talk i love it so much u dont get it bc after hearing slow talker teachers all week watching these shows are like a full on detox I fucking love being able to watch dbd and be like "what the fuck is happening onggg???" I love when my brain gets to work as fast as my thoughts i LOVE the quips of the gilmores and how lorelai perfectly mixes her quick pace with sarcasm and references I LOVE IT AHAHHHHHHHH

[salmon404]

Is there any captioning (official or fan) of the Iron Lung teaser trailer? As someone who’s hard of hearing/has auditory processing it’s really hard for me to understand the last couple of lines

[mimithelion]

I want to talk about Moze today, I really love face design, his eyes are so pretty with the different colors. But I'm not too sure if I like his character, the cliche "dark and brooding" male character js doesn't feel right.

Moze is a very new character that was introduced in the most random fashion tbh, and yes I'm not really giving him the benefit of the doubt but c'mon.."I am the blade" "I am the shadow" ENOUGH.

Soo I decided to try and change some things about his character or maybe js give an explanation for his character that hoyo has yet to give to us (😒)

According to hoyoverse's introduction of Moze, he was raised by the disciples of sanctus medicus or wtv you call them. From the first quest, the disciples of sanctus medicus are a group of people who are against the hunt & wish for immortality. In my opinion, I'd say they're pretty cruel, to both the comrades and random people, they made the trailblazer right some random ritual 500 times to pass the first test when we were infiltrating their little group. They're also very snappy with each other.

This can help us look into Moze's character. Being raised by such snappy, selfish and narcissistic people is like walking on eggshells. The best way to deal with this type of parenting (coming from experience) is to suck it up and just obey them until you can get out of the situation. This would explain why moze is very straightforward,(so no room for misunderstandings) and often repeats himself in the quest, the people who raised him most likely talked over him. (You could also take this as a sign that he's neurodivergent, ppl with autism and adhd tend to do this as well)

The disciples of sanctus medicus have a good amount of enemies, some npcs here and there that have expressed their pure hatred for them (understandable) , they'd of course need someone to deal with the ppl who try and eliminate them, someone like an innocent child who has no moral code yet that they can easily make into a killing machine (Younger Moze). They also have to find materials for their medical pellets or wtv for their little immortality clan, that they make from parts of the abominations of the abundance (I THINK.)

Anyways this is just a start to my theory, thanks for reading! Mimi blesses you :3

@ironunderstands thanks for the encouragement to post this

[beesinspades]

long time no t update!!!

last time I did one I was 3 months on t I think?? I'm one year on t now soooo here we go

still no crazy libido, hunger, feeling hot or overly sweaty. i was horny as fuck for like two weeks in may and then it went back to normal. i'm a winner.

i was right 9 months ago, I have pretty decent facial hair already!! I get somewhat scruffy if I don't do something about it. now just waiting for it to fill in more!!

i'm broader

I don't feel like my face has changed That much but everyone tells me otherwise and when I compare pics....yeah. something happened there. but when I look in the mirror i don't really notice

got a hairy tummy and chest now!!! been surprisingly thrilled about the chest hair ngl. top surgery left me with some cleavage which I haven't felt too happy about, but with the hair now growing over it I feel way better about it!!

my voice is definitely more in the male ranges now, but it still gets me misgendered sometimes. and it hasn't changed in like three or four months now....hoping it drops some more over time.

past me who thought they'd be on t for only two or three years was Wrong. I love it I kinda want to stay on it for as long as I'm able haha

my cholesterol levels rose over the recommended limit though so trying to get it under control by exercising more but it's so hard with my adhd...i hope it'll be enough because my health anxiety will put me through hell if it hasn't dropped when I do my next blood test check up in six months....

i still feel 100% non-binary. thought I might realize i'm actually a guy but nah. full enby right here

i need a goddamn haircut because i'm like 90% sure i would get misgendered less often if I hadn't let it grow this much. also would probably notice the changes in my face more. getting one in ten days, hate it because i really don't like being maskless in public especially at this time of the year and I'm broke, but I really don't want to buzz my hair again >:(

anyways i love being on t, no regrets whatsoever even if the future (and even the present tbh) is pretty scary :')

[darkurgetrash]

Get to Know Me Tag ~

Hiya! I got tagged in a few different 'get to know me' tags so I thought I'd just combine them here, hehe. Thank you so so much to @dutifullylazybread @weaveandwood @orangekittyenergy and @blackstaff-blast — I really love these tags, both answering and reading others'. What can I say? I'm a gemini.

No pressure tags! ~ @lemonsrosesandlavender @savriea @graysparrowao3 @heytheresunflower

Do you make your bed?: Yes! I'm not a neat-freak, but I consider myself quite neat

Favourite number: When I was a young child someone asked me this and I didn't know what to say so I pretended it was '86'. Since then, that's always just been what I've said… couldn't tell you why lol

What's your job?: Between roles atm, but usually a copywriter

If you could go back to school, would you?: For sure. I was really let down as a kid by the system, if I could go back but with the wisdom I have now, I would love to. As for further education, I loved my undergrad but I can't see myself realistically studying more on account of chronic illnesses

Can you parallel park / Can you drive a manual car?: Nope. I was good at parking and driving back when I was first learning over 10 years ago but never took my test because I got a lot of anxiety driving. I live in London now, so there's no urgent need to learn, but I will have to some day.

Do you think aliens are real?: Yes. Ain't no way we're the only life forms to exist in the whole universe, pleaseee

What's your guilty pleasure?: I love Britney Spears 💁‍♀️

Tattoos?: A small one, on my ankle. Two hands in a reference to Twin Peaks. I also just love the design — even if my tattoo artist did a slightly shoddy job and told me they did the exact same reference on tonnes of people ayyy lmao

Favourite type of music?: Easy answer is indie, though even that is a huuuuge umbrella. Some of my fave musicians are Mitski, Bright Eyes, AURORA, Radiohead, EELS, and Thumpasaurus. Also, a long-time MCR fan.

Do you like puzzles?: I'm wayyy too ADHD for them tbh but I don't mind some types of puzzles, like in video games. But even then, they can't go on for too long, lol

Any phobias?: Crowds are def my biggest one. I’m scared of pretty normal things I’d say, like hornets. I do have a lot of sensory issues though that give a similar feeling, the most unusual being cardboard. Do NOT touch it near me, I WILL scream. And slight trypophobia… 🤢

Favourite childhood sport: Always hated sports and exercise, even as a kid

Do you talk to yourself: I sing to myself (and in general) a lot and have big echolalia, but I don't really talk to myself in the traditional sense. Now my partner on the other hand… he does not stop yapping for even a second in the day.

What movie(s) do you adore?: The immediate go-to's in my brain are The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Pride and Prejudice (2005), Your Name, and… Shrek. Non-ironically.

Coffee or tea: Earl grey tea with oat milk, please! If not an option, I'll go for an oat milk mocha.

First thing you wanted to be growing up?: I… okay. I don't even know if I should admit this, but it's kinda funny… but remember, I was a CHILD. like, FIVE. My sister wanted to move to Africa and be a mango farmer (???) and I wanted to go with her so I said I wanted to sell shoes there because I saw a gap in the market. 😭😭

Last song I listened to: No You Girls - Franz Ferdinand

Favourite colour: Lavender

Favourite flavour: Depends on what it is, but most likely either chocolate or strawberry

Current obsession: BG3, if y'all couldn't guess. 😂

Last thing I googled: 'Sacrum'. Girly doesn’t know what body parts are called.

Favourite season: Late autumn

Skill I'd like to learn: I'd looove to be able to sew and make clothes but I am the most cack-handed person you will ever meet. I literally got kicked out of textiles class when I was in school because I was so bad they thought I was messing about on purpose 😬…

Best advice: Be cringe, be free. People will either not care or think you're cool for your authenticity.

Currently watching: I don't really watch TV! Still getting through Dungeon Meshi, lol

Currently reading: I've been trying to read 'Interview with a Vampire' since the start of the year, but my brain only has room for BG3 fanfic it would seem… SO, here's a list of my current bookmarks hehe. Special shout-outs to @lemonsrosesandlavender @crystal-overdrive @ghostcouncil @weaveandwood @sinelaborenihilsr2 @dutifullylazybread @notlikeparis

Relationship status: Been in a relationship since 2016! Also, taken by Gale Dekarios in my head. 💜

Sweet/savoury/spicy: Big, BIG sweet tooth.

[brightbrightpink]

The way Zara offered Fig an out, an idea about how to leave school without screwing things up for her friends, was so thoughtful but it also has me so concern for entirely selfish reasons.

I Don't Like Change. If the bad kids' lineup changed in the 4th season, that would destroy me. My high school senior year was wrecked by online school and loneliness and uncertainty. I need the bad kids to have their senior year Together or I'll lose my mind. And if there's no Fig, how will we get figayda content, cig figs content, sandra lynn my favorite hot mom, bad girls sisterhood, all of that would be over and I'd Cry.

But also, from a marketing standpoint, I kind of seriously don't think they would let the lineup of their flagship series change in the fourth quarter. It's just, it's not a good business decision. It could alienate fans, it will at least mean that everyone has to learn to love a new character when we already love fig. Plus, they made that really cool merch of Ayda, who is a character in her own right but is so associated to Fig that it would be odd to sell it without her in the show. The same goes for the Gilear plush too, tbh. And all of the "sets" of merch for the bad kids, especially the fancy dice set, would become like, obsolete with a change in lineup. I don't think they would want that.

Idk this post is all over the place but I really hope Emily has changed her mind about wanting Fig to retire and drop out of school. She has all these new powers and all this cool stuff going on, hopefully that makes her more fun for Emily to play.

And if her story seems like it's kind of concluded, that's okay, she still has friends to support. Not all of the bad kids' personal lives have been super relevant to the main plot at all times. If I remembered correctly, Gorgug didn't have a lot tied up in the freshman year plot until he started dating Zelda, but Riz was super involved because of the penny stuff and his dad's stuff. Adaine was super involved in the plot sophomore year because her parents were working for the nightmare king, but this year she's obviously been super helpful and useful to the party, but her main storyline is just trying to make money, it's not tied up into the big bad like fig and kristen are with their goddesses. Fig could have a year like that for senior year, where she just helps out her friends and spends all her free time writing dope songs and starting podcasts with ayda. Maybe she could get an ADHD test. Honestly, kristen could use a similar year, where she's trying to connect with her brothers but not because her Goddess is unmade, just because she cares about them. The really plot-driven stuff could maybe be more gorgug or fabian heavy, and maybe adaine's mom could come back. Idk. I just don't want fig to have to give up her adventuring party just because she found self actualization with a lesbian goddess of the dawn.

[whataboutsimple]

Warning! Under the cut it's just Alex whining about his life and nothing more. So basically useless post lmao- oh, yeah, curses. Lots of. Curses. Yeah, I don't recommend reading this tbh

Now what the fuck, how people manage to live their life normally and than there's me. What is wrong with me?

No, no, listen. I get it, no human can be perfect, but it frustrates me so much that I can't get exactly what's up with me. You saw other ppl on this app? Three posts a day MAX, and what do I do?

Third of August the first very post, all the way to 17 of August.

Tham it's 9 of September and since than no breaks (well, maybe Little like for a day or two)

Currently I have 397 posts, and if math is mathing, than it's about ≈8 posts each day.

8 posts each day, and I haven't posted even half of what I wanted. Or the asks I'm getting (I love them though)

What I'm implying? I can't focus even for a second on my school, better shoot me than make me doing my English, all the homework I've done so far I've done in five minutes before the class itself started. You see it?

AND THAT'S even not the full thing, I can't focus even on writing or drawing, that's why I didn't upload all the stuff, because I can't make myself create it! I have the idea in the head, I want to put it on the paper, but I can't.

The hands, the brain, they work only in a stress situations, when it's either getting an F, or doing the freaking work god damn it.

Sometimes I don't even want to touch my phone or get up from bed. All I want is to, idk, nap until I'll feel myself as if I rested.

Don't even get me started on trying to look through my mental health, I've been doing it, and you know what? I can't normally say to myself "Hey, those symptoms are kind of remind me of ourselves. Maybe we are not as healthy as we pretend we are?" Nonono, because it always will end up in self doubting like "What if I'm lying? What if I just know those symptoms are implying this and try to adjust to them to look so "poor, poor child" like? What if I just try to convince myself that something is wrong with me or simply want attention?"

Okay, like, I've been searching for symptoms of autism and ADHD for so long, reading forums and what other ppl with such things say. God, I even went through thos dumb "online tests" out of boredom and you know what? It's like 90% that I do have both, but yet again what if I'm lying? I'm perfectly healthy, I should be, I'm just lazy and dumb to do the work.

I have autistic cousin for example, and I act a lot like them and a lot like not them. Even my family always compares us, but when it's me, they go like "Well, you're not autistic, so it should be fine for you, stop acting like that!"

Yeah, woman, I'm perfectly fine, I'm just dying everytime I need to interact with ppl in reality and have heartbeat over probably 500 because it beats so loud I can almost hear it.

I've been to therapist like twice after some tragic moment in my life, because I started having horrible panic attacks, so strong even my Mon got worried, and all they managed to diagnose is PTSD after what my mother like. Just stopped the sessions. And those times when I were there, I was too scared to ask them if I may or may not have, idk, ADHD, autism or depression or anxiety or whatever because I just want to know what is wrong with me.

Because normal people won't act like I'm.

You think the dog thing is a joke? Well, yeah, it is, but I'm really eager for any interaction and reaction I can get. I don't even care abt kudos and stuff as long as you commented or reposted saying something. I'm going to die on the spot and if I had a tail it would've 100% wagged.

But when it comes to ppl in real life, I don't want to have them near me, to be in one room with them, to hear them. I can chat, I love chatting, I love talking, but only with texts. There are literally only three ppl who I can call: my mom, my grandma and my online friend.

And online friend waited for 4 years before we had a first call, voice call.

That's not normal, is it?

And like that I'm lost in me thoughts. The point is that I want to know what's wrong with me really bad, but at the same time I'm doubting if there's something wrong and I'm not just a lazy sore looser who tries to hide from responsibility in the internet. And even that I'm doing horribly.

Dang it.

[simlicious]

Personal update

It's been a while since I wrote a longer personal post, so here we go. Long wall of text incoming!

I am not focused on making patterns so much as I am trying to make a tutorial on making them. Yesterday, I dived into making an explanatory animation and editing a short video clip I recorded. But adding transitions, titles, hints, etc, that stuff takes AGES. I have definitely gained a new level of respect for YouTubers!

Generally, I struggle a lot to get into any project and keep working on it. I'm 95% sure I have ADHD because the struggles I face are textbook ADHD. I have watched a lot of videos recently on ADHD, and especially also how symptoms manifest in women. I was the kid who always daydreamed in school. Who would go "ssssh!" angrily to classmates who were giggling/disrupting, because I got so distracted by it. I had to put all my energy into paying attention. I studied for tests on the last day or during the break before the lesson because I had no motivation beforehand. I had a hard time doing homework, I was just not motivated to do it and made a lot of careless mistakes too, especially with maths.

TBH, I've always felt really bad about showing so many WIPS and getting people's hopes up, and whenever I promise to get them done in a certain timeframe I meant what I said. But I often disappoint myself and you guys too because I often cannot pick up or work on a project. I know I want to finish it and that it would get me a satisfying feeling and probably praise from you guys, but it's still not enough motivation. It's like there is an invisible barrier and I cannot get through it. I often do not know myself why I can't do it. Whenever I do manage to pick up a project, I often have a good experience and at least make some progress on it. But it does not mean the next time is any easier 😭

I have some projects that are almost done, and there is just a little something to do and I just cannot bring myself to finish them. It's really frustrating. I have periods where I can just go with the flow and pick up whatever I can do and do not agonize as much about not being able to tackle bigger projects. But the tutorial project is one of the few goals I set for myself this year, and the year is more than half over already. I want to finally make some progress!

I realized why I am good at making patterns: They take a short amount of time, often between 15 minutes and 4 hours depending on the complexity, though most I can finish in an hour. I do not have to wait long until I can first test the new CC in my game, which is generally a very gratifying experience., since most of the time, the patterns are fine. But whenever they need to be tweaked again, I tend to put that off. It's really hard to pick them up because the gratification is not as high as the initial loading up. My brain is just not getting a high enough dose of dopamine from it, and it's like nope, why bother.

I also get into phases of hyperfocus, and in those, I can work 8 hours straight on a mesh, but once that streak is over... well, RIP WIP. And I can never finish a meshing project in one go. The base mesh might be finished, but then I need to make LODs, morphs, the textures... I often spend an initial 8 hours on one creation, and 20 more to revise stuff later on. I am also bad at judging how much time something takes, with some of my projects it's probably more like 40 hours that went into them already. Most notably a project I titled Exquisite Comfort Sweater. I have revised it 3 times I think, and I am still not done or satisfied with it:

The problems are not obvious from screenshots, there are texture flaws (which can be hidden nicely with patterns, and since the pattern tiling is so good I have used that cardigan often as a way to preview my patterns), but also bone and morph problems. I would not want to release a creation that is broken in my eyes. It might still work for posing and screenshots, but I want people to be able to play with my creations and not get distracted by terrible bone assignments. With this example, the custom bulky sleeves are what create a problem with the bones and morphs. They are just too different from EA's stuff and there is no good reference to clone those from. Hence I need to do manual edits, but that also involves a lot of trial and error. I recently learned how to tweak the bones manually in Blender, so I know I have the tools I need to elevate that to the level where I wanted it all along. But motivating myself to open that blender file still seems impossible.

My perfectionism compels me to enter a loop of creating, testing, seeing something I do not like, and having to do the cycle all over again. Because often, fixing a tiny thing also means I have to redo morphs,. LODS, textures, it takes ages to fix something. And then if I still don't like it, I have to do it a third time. Once my hyperfocus is over, the thing is just left in whatever state it was when I stopped.

I cannot bear to throw away any of my works in progress, because I do go back to some of them sometimes. But it really only happens very rarely that I finish something.

I spend a lot of time meshing and creating stuff, but it just never gets to a releasable state. So I probably have the same experience as someone who has published 100 meshes but I just have nothing to show for it. It sucks so much 😭

And I have been wanting to make tutorials about creating CC for AGES. In the past, I've written down written ones on a whim, but this time, I want to make video tutorials, because most people find them easier to grasp and more digestible. I have good ideas, and I have the knowledge to pass on, it really makes me sad to see so many people wanting to create CC but struggling to find good tutorials and resources. I want to help, I have the knowledge, but I struggle so much with getting things done. I start and I get overwhelmed. I get lost in details. My anxiety perks up. To say this is frustrating is an understatement. Whenever I publish a pattern collection, it feels as huge as writing a term paper. And I feel proud of myself when it is done and out, but it also exhausts me. I really wish I could put out content more frequently. That it wasn't such a huge deal, such a struggle.

I hardly even make goals anymore because most I never reach anyway, because I cannot walk that road. It's like I get off the path and get horribly lost.

And I really am sorry about not being able to keep promises. I often don't even mention stuff I am working on, but I sometimes do need the input/dopamine from my lovely blog readers to keep going.

I think if I declare a deadline, that will help me finish a project. It sometimes works, but then sometimes it does not. And it sometimes makes me want to write "unreliable" in my tumblr profile, but that feels so harsh and I need to show compassion toward myself if I want to make progress.

Lately, I have watched a lot of "tips and strategies for ADHD" videos. One video addressed something very important: the fact that people with ADHD can get bored with a certain strategy and then it just does not work anymore. So I cannot trust a habit to work forever, because out of the blue, that trusty strategy may just stop working.

Finding strategies that work is difficult, and getting into a new habit is even harder. I feel like life is rigged against me and my struggles are mostly unseen because my wins are not flashy at all. For me, cleaning my apartment is a big deal. Taking a walk with my best friends 2 times a week feels like a full week. We even go when it's raining. Two years ago, I would never thought this possible, but this shows me that I am making progress. The progress is just in areas that remain unseen, that do not produce big results, nothing to put in a resume, or in a portfolio.

I'm writing all this because I have been especially upset and frustrated with my inability to work lately. And I'm sad that I cannot create the resources for you the way I want to. That everything takes me so much longer than I anticipated. That I make promises that I cannot keep.

I need to get my frustrations out of my system so I can focus on small wins and hope they eventually add up to a big one.

If you happen to know some good ADHD resources or strategies that you have experience with, feel free to share them, they are much appreciated!

[mmishee-art]

Another hiatus. I apologise for this habit, keeping a consistent online presence is something I'm really struggling with these days (this extends to my friendships, I'm so sorry guys).

What I'm going through is called Autistic burn out. It's something that is still being studied, but the accepted symptoms are different to regular burn out. Essentially, I've been masking for my entire life (and even that was a functioning much lower than is considered normal or productive tbh) and my body suddenly couldn't take any more. From what I hear, the longer you masked, the bigger the recovery time. So. That doesn't bode well.

More troubling is the advice. There are strategies for ADHD, there are strategies for Autism. As far as I've seen so far, the advice for AuDHD (having both at the same time) is "GOOD LUCK!".

I've been trying my best, and there have been moments when I've been able to function at some level, I could make art and talk to my friends or talk to literally anyone, but then inevitably life has a bump and I'm back to where I started, my bubble needs to shrink back down and I go into hermit mode.

This is going to keep happening, I think. I don't know how or when it'll get better, I think this is going to be a long process of learning and healing. It's extremely inconvenient to say the least.

I'm trying to take advantage of times when I have more energy and functioning to reach out to friends and make art, cause it's looking more and more like I only have a tight window to do it.

At least when I can get on medication things might be a bit easier. But for now, I'm researching and journalling and testing and resting, I'm trying my best. Its just that my best right now is a really really low level of functioning.

[bookaddictedrose]

~~~Rose's Book Diary~~~ The Grandest Game Pt 1

By Jennifer Lynn Barnes

I GOT THE BOOOOKKKK!!!

Pre-reading thoughts here

Prologue: Rohan, 1 year ago

Not sure how I feel about Rohan?

I don't like the Proprietor. He gives Dumbledore vibes (yes I'm a hater)

Chapters 1-3: Lyra

Nooo Lyra 🥺 she's gone through so much 😭

The test taking? I'm taking notes ✍️

So SOMEBODY sent her the letter 🧐 hmm...

Chapter 4: Gigi

Gigi's entrances always remind me of Percy Jackson: no context at all, just a bunch of ADHD chaos.

Katara is the therapy attack cat and we love her.

Everyone has trauma 😭 and Gigi's falling apart

So Savannah's gonna get the ticket...but I'm sure Gigi's gonna get in

Gigi protecting Savannah 🥺

Chapter 5: Rohan

So he got TWO??? damn

Wait did Gigi get her card? Give her a card 🔫

Another gun at the back of your head, another tenner, Rohan

GIGGGIIIIIIII

I'm writing this as I read, so prepare for a lot of crazy and chaos

I would like to see Rohan in "nothing but a lush Turkish cotton robe" 😏

SORRY not sorry

Odette Morales... possibly Alice Hawthorne

Brady Daniels... hurt Gigi? 😡

Knox Landry... no clue at all

The queen 👑 *cue dramatic music*

Chapter 6-8: Lyra

Jamesonnnn :) with a helicopter!

GRAYSONNNN

She still knows his voice 🥹

She thinks he didn't care 😭 tbh he was kinda an asshole to her

Rohan... There is chemistry between him and literally everyone else

Odette has reverse violet sorrengail hair lol

Who chose the Hawthorne Island. Seriously.

Gives caraval. "Explore this foreign place all you want, but return before sundown or you're kicked out of this mysterious, prestigious, invitation-only game."

Jameson watching Grayson watching Lyra. That's all.

The ruins 🙀

Oh my god Grayson literally just popped out of nowhere. Just poof.

THE CLIFFFFF

he knows her voice 🥰

"stay away from the cliffs" ain't no way—

Chapter 9-11: Gigi

So Savannah did come...and is colder than ever.

Hmm, mysterious new person. That gigi finds attractive. What about slate 😭

XANDER

I need to see Xander and Gigi together. They would be the best of friends 💜

So Savannah's competition, too, huh? 🤨

Viking style epics are the best. Let Gigi win, if only for that 😭🙏

Caffeine.

So I'm getting some tension between our beloved sisters...

MANGA...RA. immediately anagraming it.

OMG DID YOU KNOW IF YOU GOOGLE ANAGRAM IT WILL SAY DID YOU MEAN: NAG A RAM

Anagram. The anagram for "mangara" is anagram.

Unless someone erased letters??

I love opera glasses! Opera glasses, wine, ball gowns and violins. 🍷

I like Odette. And ponies.

Sooo Brady and Knox are friends, and they're discussing a dead girl?

I thought em*ly wasn't in the book??

"the world just loves women who try. Unless and until we try too hard. FROM ONE WOMAN WHO TRIED TOO HARD TO ANOTHER" 🥺

This is just a bunch of confused ADHD thoughts, but thanks for staying!

Come back for part two!

[mass-convergence]

It’s at times like these where I have to remind myself that people process loss and grief in different ways and I’m not like a sociopath for like … “I need to go to work tomorrow morning I can’t deal with this right now”.

Pet death discussion under the cut…

Unfortunately my family has had a stupidly pragmatic approach to death which is “the world moves on, just move on as well”. Like yeah we grieve but let me just say - when my grandma died, my dad told me to stay at school where I was because getting my ass across the country to her funeral was going to be a logistical nightmare since it was thanksgiving weekend. He was basically like “she’s already dead, you can say goodbye at the cemetery when you visit for Christmas” and I was like “… sounds good”

My mom didn’t even tell me my grandma died until a week later because “well you had a test that week and you were already not doing well in that class … and there wasn’t much you could have done anyway”

Guinea pig just died.

I’m just like “well got to get up for work in 6 hours. I can’t take time off. It’s rally week and it’s going to be a goddamn clusterfuck already.”

So … I’ve just gone into that coldly pragmatic state of mind while also crying. It’s very weird having the ADHD levels of emotional regulation and feeling sick to my stomach with grief with whatever the fuck is also going on where I’m like “yeah but I can’t do anything for her, pet cremation services are closed for the weekend and what the fuck else am I going to do at home tomorrow aside from just sit around and … do what exactly? Clean up her stuff? Pack up her cage?”

It’s just weird. I feel pain at her passing but I also just feel like I need to like … go on with life still because I have to.

The silence weighs heavy on the house tonight though. I’m not going to hear her tiny little wheeks as I walk into the room. Not going to hear her little feet thumping against the cage bottom. Going to feel guilty as hell for the rest of eternity for not getting her spayed which could have prevented some ovarian issues which may have shortened her life even though she lived to the ripe old age of 5 and peegs are considered old at that age (she was also pretty sickly when I got her, it’s a minor miracle she lived this long tbh).

[ribelleribelle]

it's great when you get out of your comfort zone and talk about your problems with a specialist just for your mom to invalidate everything she said as soon as you come back home

everyone: hey if you feel like shit you should get help maybe you could talk to the school psychologist

me: alright i will

also me: *feels slightly better* haha i don't need that anymore why should i talk about it anyways

[circuitfurscaleandvine]

Inspired by @princess-maid, who makes way great hdg posts and you should absolutely be following if you're into that.

Self Discovery Pipeline (post turning 16):

Pansexuality: Look, nobody is hot, so I guess we should try dating boys too. (tbh, still need more boys in my life) (And no, we didn't realize we were ace-spec for another 8 years)

Polyamory: Look, if you want to date someone else at the same time, I really won't mind. I want you to be happy, no matter what shape that takes. (5 years later) wait there's a word for that!?

Healthy Plurality: We heard randomly this phrase from across the room at a UU brunch and it changed our life. Just... oh, there's a healthy way to be us. Oh, MPD doesn't have to be a struggle. (NGL, tulpamancy techniques helped us selfcare more than books on DID that pathologized the whole thing)

Service Oriented: (honestly this wasn't a single realization, it was a dozen across years) Helping is the best. Clear instructions are the best. Praise is so good. Why can't we find that? Doesn't anyone need a servant? It hurts so much to not have a master. It's debilitating. It's a hole in our soul... (this colors all six of us even now, we all cope in different ways)

Demisexuality: When people say some celebrity is hot, they /actually get aroused/? wtf. No. (queue AVEN deepdives) (🦉Sensuality-gated Sexuality, to be more accurate. Until touches have been exchanged, you're not a sexual thing for us.)

Not Human: Sure, we've had a dog headmate since we were first plural, yeah she kinda bottles up a lot of painful unfulfilled needs so the rest of us don't have to handle them, but like, seriously nobody /wants/ to be human. fantasizes about replacing joints with servos

Gender - Nah, I'm not trans, I took E for two weeks and felt nothing. goes off. worst week of our life. OKAY Trans it is then. (we checked again 3 months later and it was /also/ the worst week of our life) (Also yes you can be cis on HRT, but we definitely aren't)

Autism: "No seriously, you're autistic, how did you not know? Wait, HOW DID YOUR PARENTS NOT KNOW??" - literally 10 people within a single week. (Relatedly, our parents trust the medical system enough to put us in therapy, but not enough to accept diagnosis. They never mentioned our therapist's suspicions to us. Found out later they're both medicating to stay functional, while telling our brother and us not to do the same.)

PDA Autism: Wait… that explains why we get full body lockdowns when a request hits us at the wrong angle… and why we need 24 hours advance notice to agree to anything… and why were so obsessed with social theory since like 10.

Sweet, I finally got it all figured out, with these tools I have achieved self-enlightenment. Only took 30 year-

ADHD

Therapist: "No seriously, your struggles to maintain habits aren't just Autism" Me: "I just have lots of memory gaps from Dissociation and Autism makes me need structure but not always know what sort I need." Therapist: "You explained very clearly what structure you need, and then gave a dozen reasons you were unable to follow through. You have executive dysfunction." Me: "Can't be, like, I work a job." Therapist: "You're only able to stay employed because you have two partners caring for you parttime, and most of what they do is assist you with self-care. Take some tests" Me: first test Fuck. second test Fuck. third test Fuck. Fine.

Final Note: 🦎we didn't put headmate tags on these because most these realizations happened via previous headmates. A big realization often causes one or more of us to shift heavily, and struggle to identify with who we were before the change.

[spinnysocks]

after getting a text message response from my doctor's surgery for my inquiry about autism/adhd tests last time, i've finally sent another inquiry asking to meet a gp in person this time. it's funny because this is exactly what my audhd affects — if something gets rejected/cancelled/anything of the sort, it takes me weeks to months to redo/reschedule it. really hoping they don't brush me aside again because by god it's hard enough for me to just send the request for an appointment y'know? i need my life in check, and if i can't get a test/diagnosis on at least one thing that affects me then,. idk what i'll do tbh 😭

[kaycode1999]

can I get a match up for mha?

im a pretty hyper, blunt and expressive person. Im loud and usually kind of physically aggresive with my friends/famiky, as its my favorite way to be playful with those i love. Im a super spontaneous person, as my energy can be night and day depending on how im feeling. While im usually pretty open to new people and experiances, i can get overwhelmed very easily. When im angry im pretty snippy and short with others, ans need a moment to cool down before i have constructive converaation or rational thinking back. When im upset i very much shut down, and im not great with being emotionally vulnerable, but i am very aware of this fact and have been told im very emotionally mature with how i handle negative emotions as ive gotten better. While i can come off as ditzy, Im a very analytical person when it comes to the details around me, especially with people(my friends have teased me and called me sherlock with how scary i am with the little things i notice lol). I can be very sarcastic and arguementarive, to the point those around me think im trying to butt heads, however it comes from a genuine excitement towards combative discussion. I love methodical engagement, and can be quite short tempered when people arent capable of matching intellectual engagement for activities and conversation. I can be VERY stubborn as well, which(while bad in some social situations) is why im capable of pushing through very difficult tasks(have also been told that others find my “determination” inspiring as i handle pain well and enjoy pushing myself). In summary my greatest strengths are emotional intelligence, book smarts and my stubborness. My greatest weakneses are my lack of respect for myself, and my general insecurity.new

I do have diagnosed adhd, insomnia and anxiety issues if that helps with anything. Im also an entp in the myer briggs test if thats worth mentioning

im female, and go by she/her. Although honestly what people call me really doesnts bother me. As far as i know for my sexuality Im pan. Gender really doesnt matter to me i just find all people attractive.

my aestetic is all over the place tbh. Its always atleast nature relevant, but depending on the day i either look like a forest witch, a goblin, a hippy or a cottage core maidennew

for hobbies i love to draw and craft! Im a huge collector, and live for anything involving creative expression. Im also a part of a theatre group and love acting.

as for my type, i like people with a little more meat on their bones. Im usually pretty adaptive to all kinds of personalities, but im attracted to rmotional maturity and kindness. I love those who show empathy and aupport to others. (My long since crush has been fatgum lol)

for the love of everything in this world, please dont drag me into any of the todoroki family, i aint got time for that drama

Well you’re probably gonna be really happy because

I match you with

Fatgum

Hyper and expressive works well with him because he is generally an outgoing and expressive too

I don’t think he minds blunt, it’s more about honesty

As long as you’re honest with him he’ll respect it

He’s a big guy and loudish too so you have that in common

When he’s in his fat form he’s basically impossible to hurt so it doesn’t matter if you’re a little “ physically aggressive with him”

He loves a little spontaneity

He’s very in tune with your mood and energy level so he can tell your energy level/how you’re feeling

If you’re to the point where you’re getting angry/snippy or overwhelmed he completely understands the need to take a moment to calm down. Do that all you need to he’ll wait for you to take your time decompressing

He is very caring and sweet so he will help you with being emotionally vulnerable

He does think you handle negative emotions better as you continue to improve and will definitely commend you on your progress

Because he is big and more outspoken people tend to think he’s not as smart as he is so he definitely understands

He will never think of you as ditzy. He thinks you’re very smart and astute. He is also smarter than he lets on so he doesn’t want anyone to feel like they are not smart

I think he comes to understand that you are excited about discussion

I think he does find your ability to push through admirable

He definitely wants you to respect yourself and to be confident in yourself. He will compliment you all the time

Insomnia and anxiety are difficult to deal with and he wants to be there for you through it, he’ll also help you find some things to combat this no matter what that entails. If it’s alternative medicines, doctor’s appointments/medicine, therapy, etc. he’ll help you and be there through it all

[reedsofintimacy]

How smart are you? You’ve given some hints before but how many degrees do you have? What are you studying? What do you want to do in live professionally and passionately? What’s your purpose career wise?

Also hypothetically would you be open to being your wives employee if she had a really successful company?

I actually don't have any degrees! I'm a nerd and smart but also certainly have my flaws.

For context, I was an honors student all growing up. Always tested in the 99th percentile for state aptitude assessments. I got a 33 on my ACT, did well on a bunch of AP tests and went to a non-ivy-league but prestiguous state school in the top 25% of the incoming class and as a university scholar, in an accelerated chemistry PhD program, and lived in an honors community on campus.

I learned to speak some Chinese, became an instructor for a traditional Korean percussion group, led a bible study, tutored students in organic chemistry, and did excellent in my humanities courses writing on topics like a linguistic study of gender conception in viking-era icelandic society and designing an interventional plan to address youth homelessness in the community.

College was the best 2 years of my life, I adored everything about it but I also completely overloaded myself. Turns out you need more than raw brains for success. I was conflicted between prioritizing my studies vs my faith, and had unadressed adhd and anxiety i wasnt ever aware of and didnt know how to cope with. When my 19 credit hours were drowning me, I couldnt own up to the shame of overwhelm and failure, couldnt look my teachers in the eye and ultimately stopped showing up to class and dropped out.

I'm now back in school with a better understanding of myself, an absense of competing priorities and a lot of experience. Im pursuing working in Radiology doing either CT or MRI. A lot of my friends growing up are finishing their PhD theses and I love discussing them with them, but I myself don't have even an associate's to my name.

Career wise, I originally wanted to be a professor of either Chemistry or Materials Science. I debated majoring in Linguistics or teaching English as a second language but i don't speak anything fluent enough to really do that yet. I've since considered pursuing a career in comedy, as a science communicator and journalist or PIO, as a university student advisor, and taught myself to code to maybe pursue programming.

I love learning. Currently I'm putting the most effort into Chinese classical literature. I've done personal units on nutrition, skincare, fitness, urban planning, economics, and some software like adobe illustrator and game dev with Unity and Godot.

For my professional future, I think I'm for now planning on being a travelling technician in healthcare. It'd give me an opportunity to see lots of different places which is a goal of mine and shouldn't have too many commitments keeping me held in place. Maybe I'll finally get over my fear of casual hookups and become a traveling nurse by day and city-to-city clit servicer by night sampling all sorts of delicious lady bits. Idk. For now I'm just focused on what I'm doing in the moment.

In terms of passions I want time and independence to pursue learning as an autodidact. I'd love to maintain access to university libraries and attend lots of public lectures and symposiums if i could live near enough a big university. I want to read about the things that interest me and someday get over my social anxiety and travel to make friends all over the world with fellow nerds.

In terms of working for my wife of course that would be really sexy I'd love to be my partners doting but slutty assistant 💕 depending on the industry i guess. I think something like insurance or real estate is kind of predatory tbh and wouldnt want to be associated with it. But if I didn't have an issue with it I'd adore being my partners employee. Or even just a supportive house husband or trusted personal assistant ❤️❤️ a role i've always thought I have the potential to be quite good at