#i need to get out of this stagnation so here's more garbage

[akunoniwa]

Knife Prty

AN: gang. I've not published anything in like. Three months. For me, this ""piece"" is more of a way to break the ice of my mind that's since frozen over. Overall, I am very reluctant to write, let alone publish, Astarion for various reasons, but I was listening to Deftones one day and was feeling devious.

Synopsis: In which you hold the memory of your first encounter with him very near and dear... He uses it to his tactical advantage...

Pairing: Astarion x fem!reader/tav

Warnings: MDNI, knife play, most definitely would not recommend fucking or getting fucked with a knife handle, sorry it sounded hot,

WC: ~2.3k

A knife balanced against your neck, a familiar blade, increasingly warm with your heat. It was a grave distraction as it teetered threateningly along the grain of your skin, but you’d made a purposeful mistake of telling Astarion how nice it felt to be not just beneath him, but his dagger. It was objectively dangerous, the feeling wasn’t conveniently replicated, thus it felt��� real this way, vital. His hand had an instinctual way of slotting itself between your thighs, the heart of his palm blanketing your blooming clit. Two fingers coaxing slick sweetness and moans from your body that twined around him.

“Is this…” Your hand searched behind you to grab at his right upper thigh, pulling him into your backside, “...What you needed, my love?” His words, shrouded in his misty tone, implored you in tandem with his hand.

He was in too many lovely places at once, your muscles slacking in unison as you both stood bare in the middle of the large bath in the vacant House of Hope. Fresh killers you were, in need of a cleanse in every sense, but something about finally taking out Raphael and his accessories had you both at peculiar odds. Astarion was made to witness your vulnerabilities to Haarlep, and despite knowing you well at this point, he found he was unable to accept that you were actually susceptible to its charm. Even if that weren’t the case, he wasn’t about to say he was basking happily in the image of you being ridden by an incubus who ought to just be Raphael himself. The more he was made to think about it after the fact– fighting beasts to save Hope, slashing down Raphael himself… His mind deviated drunkenly back to your body… You. With someone… Something else. 

He decided he’d have you in that very spot, right in the Hells where his heat in this moment would make even the waters here boil over.

You two haven't really spoken about what happened in the graveyard, perhaps enough had already been said and done. It’d been weeks since, and no matter how paramount it was to you both, in different respects, Cazador had virtually nothing to do with the looming Elder Brain.

But Astarion’s declaration of his new ‘life’, or an amendment of his living death, still prevailed. This revitalization of sorts stood prominently, following him decisively like a shadow he didn’t have. Constant proof of him as him.

The sharpened metal at your throat was an afterthought to you at the time, but a thought nonetheless– one Astarion had hung onto dearly. Ever since you’d told him in a passing moment that you found your first encounter with him haunting your more unsavory moments, he couldn’t rid himself of the reminders.

“Gods, yes…” You shamelessly ground your hips into his beckoning hand, requiring his attention like nothing else. He was, needless to say, extremely turned on by you in any case, but here… Like this, adorned with his blade that had just slain that imbecilic devil, in addition to his enslaver just weeks prior. He could hardly allow his mind to wander trying to understand, but here his knife somehow signified something of untouchable worth. Trust… A morbid reenactment, sure, but how he adored you so, obsessed with how he was able to thrill you in such an asinine way.

You could feel him straining against you, that familiar sensation of his needing you… Though, he enthusiastically opted to see how long he could play with you, guiding your orgasm through the thickets of his teasing maze.

“Sick little love… I can feel you pulsing against my fingers, so fucking hot and wet.” His remark was serpentine and crude, hips rutting his cock ever so slightly between the swells of your perched ass, “How many times have you thought about this…?” He needed to sift through your tainted mind, needed to hear of your hunger, starvation, for him, as much as he tries to pretend he doesn’t love the assurance. Does your mind, too, think of him like he does of you? Remind me… He’d think– You must keep reminding him of how he tears your sanity to such decadent shreds.

His pace slowed only to allow for precision, his middle and ring finger hooked inside you knowingly as he worked at your left shoulder with his tongue.

“Fuck…” Your small, overwhelmed squeak indicated he was doing exactly as he should, rubbing the velvety spot just past the threshold of your cunt that made you shudder in his embrace, “I don’t even know…” He felt your head fall back on his right shoulder in blissful dejection, “It was more than a few.”

“My routine of devouring you isn’t enough, hm?” His fine-pointed fangs indented your skin on cue, not yet drawing blood.

You let out a breathy laugh, “Admittedly… I was nervous about the pain at first, but… You always manage to make such reckless things feel so good…”

“You drive me insane, darling. Utterly insane. Especially when you say deranged things like that…” Still hooked, his fingers sped up with dedicated intent to make you cum, skin sticky with sweat as you were sealed against his front, “A knife to your sweet neck is all it takes to make you drip down my hand?” You made him feel murderous, vulturine… Alive? Your adorable reactions picked at all the right places within him like crows.

You hummed a dizzied whine in time with his firm pace, a rush of everything creating a cyclone deep within your core, “But, you’re holding it…”

“That I am, dear. Watching you fucking lose yourself like this is truly a sight to behold.” The knife pressed its taunts as he fucked into you while you tried to keep steady.

“Don’t stop…”  You couldn’t and didn’t want to fixate on anything else but the pleasure he was giving you, “Please…” Your free hand subconsciously rushed to blanket the one that worked at your beckoning hole, making him gleam beneath your needy touch. His precum began to gradually garnish your backside– Why in the Hells would he stop now?

He need not hide his satisfaction, never with you, a grin causing his words to fray upward with lust, “Pretty, pretty thing… Cum for me.” He sprinkled your shoulder with nipping kisses once more, “ Give it all to me…” He crooned right into your center, his tone broad and smoky.

Hardly needing much past a syllable, your violent shakes when you cum were one of his favorite things to witness, let alone cause. His hand was caught in a vice grip between the tide of your plush thighs as he continued to press into that perfect spot as you came, your moans resonating through his cock. He loved the way your nails dug into the back of his thigh to bring him impossibly close, the other hand around his wrist… Holding onto him for all that you were worth in this moment.

“So divine…” He dragged the knife torturously down your chest, its fine point flicking just barely at your nipples, circling them, “I know how much you like when I tease here…”

You wanted to cry out, every nerve ablaze after your orgasm as you warmed his coated fingers. Instead, you gnawed on another dulled groan in your mouth as the metal tip tickled your areola.

“Let me hear you, darling… There’s no one around.” His voice enveloped your mind like a lecherous fog, words enunciated as they cut into you, “I’d almost say that’s a shame, as I can’t decide if I’d want everyone in all the Hells and beyond to hear your little noises, or have you all to myself.”

“Astarion…” He was breaking you, collecting your pieces, and puzzling your lust-drunk self back together as he pleased.

It seems everyone at camp has been reaching the apex of their struggles at once, especially since reaching Baldur’s Gate– seeing an unwanted face or two is inevitable. It’s been a smothered blur, and to put it more plainly, you and Astarion have not really been afforded time together. It was absurd, fighting almost toe to steel toe beside him, but this was the case day in, day out, everything else had to wait. You’d begun to miss him… You’d tried to brush it off, perhaps it was just you and some arrangement of irrational justifications. His biting quips seemed more distant, even when he held you after a long outing, he felt… Far. And the only reason for this was the non-squirmy affliction you both shared for each other. Of course, he missed you dreadfully. Hence his body currently being superimposed onto yours, an eclipse of raw, splitting desire.

“Give me more… Say it again.” He urged feverishly as your hips still twitched here and there, your movements waking through him.

“Astarion.” You trailed a caressing hand up the arm he latched around your front, just listening to what little was left in your mind. You found the hilt of his dagger gripped in his other hand, guiding it so the fuller would rest on your flattened tongue. Licking a careful stripe towards the tip, he watched in an attentive daze, your projections onto the knife translating to his groin just as you’d hoped.

“Yes, darling…” He finally pulled his fingers from you, experimentally wiping your slick onto the knife. You could feel his smirk radiating beside your cheek as he tugged the blade to his lips. Making sure to secure your eyes, you watched as he tasted your sweet mixed with metallic, making you writhe beneath the image before you.

Swiftly, as he does, he flipped the dagger to lead the rounded pommel down over your stomach, slowly flowing over your pelvis, ultimately pressing down on your clit. He managed to grip it in a way so as to avoid cutting his own hand, running the ball between your swollen folds.

“Mm, I wanna touch you…” You whined pitifully as you writhed, wanting to make him feel as good as he was making you feel, lavish him in pleasure as you’d been ceaselessly imagining.

The moonlight was damn near blinding that night on the overgrown plot of his not-so-restful place… How he pushed you back, fiercely, claiming everything as his own– most importantly, himself. You almost giggle at your spontaneous recollections, how forceful yet tediously careful his movements were as he made it no secret that he’d take you then and there. How his knee swiftly presented you to him, his relentless, passionate kisses…–

“Perhaps I want to be sure that we are on the same page…” The pommel grazed your quivering center, rolling your arousal to a fro, insinuating his intent, “Do you think I enjoyed watching you moan beneath that infernal wretch?”

“I was truly trying to sort out the hammer business… I can’t say I was willingly enthused, he had to charm me just to get me to consider taking my clothes off.”

“It was certainly a… production… But I must be frank, it was not something I ever dreamed of being made to see. How that… Thing nearly made you succumb to its little tricks.” He angled the dagger so as to push it inside you, just a bit, dragging out another melodious moan from you.

He chuckled at this, deciding to drop the matter for the moment, “My filthy darling… You wouldn’t cum around my dagger, would you?” He chided, knowing full well that he’d see to that being the case, “It seems… You just need to be fucked, no matter how.”

The hilt was thick, stretching you generously as its smooth leather pushed further into you. He gripped the guard to avoid splitting his hand, but the risk of a small injury paled in comparison to this, “Maybe there’s something about Avernus, this house… I just feel… Hot,” You debated momentarily, wondering if it’d be more of a burden to speak from what little of your mind remained, “...And I didn’t want to bother you by telling you that I missed you. In any capacity… I’ve missed all of you.” You forced coherence despite him establishing a cyclic rhythm.

He kissed your cheek a few times in response, though found himself quickly perplexed, “Bother me– Darling, never. You’ve… Missed me?”

“It’s been fighting nonstop for weeks, and save for… A few instances, the last few months. All I’ve wanted was to just be able to relax with you, to truly just be.”

“You’re going to tell me this as I’ve buried a dagger handle inside you? You’ve got peculiar timing, my sweet.” His movements subconsciously stilled as he was looking to you for an unknown kind of answer.

“Gods–” You clenched as he kissed your neck this time, allowing his fangs to indent just enough to make themselves known again, “I’m sorry… I guess I could’ve said it any time… I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“No, no, no– love, so could I,” He opted to always shower you with every pet name he could recite, perhaps as a habitual hedge, perhaps to drown you in his doting, “I’ve most certainly missed you, too.” He could feel you attempting to move onto the dagger, sending his body and estranged soul into a frenzy, “So, so much…” He found he just wanted to make you scream, in this particular instance. He’d been rearranging the meaning of intimacy in his mind slowly but steadily alongside you. While harrowing associations would inevitably remain attached to the act, he wanted to overwrite as much of that as he could with images of you. Of true rejoice, pleasure. He swore, his cock twitched upon reminding himself just how good you make him feel, body and beyond.

[askoverlordvox]

Vox. What did Val do to make you leave and join the Hotel? And what did Velvette do? Was she apart of what Val did, or did you cut ties with her for no reason?

What did he do?

Ugh. Fine. I've gotten enough interview requests, I know people are curious.

Sinners all develop quirks once they've been down here long enough. You get a few souls under your control, those quirks become powers. Strong powers. Mine developed along, well, television technology, obviously. Val's developed along the lines of an... aura- pheromones, poison, however you wanna call it, once you had a taste, you wanted more. It was addictive. After my fallout with Al, Val was there to give me what I wanted- but I didn't realize the price I was paying. Fucker never made a deal with me but he had me on a leash, I just didn't know it.

Then, Val got so fixated on trying to get Angel Dust back under his thumb, he wasn't there when I needed my fix. I started going through withdrawals. I figured out what that fuck had done to me. I left the Tower, tried to get clean. And you known who was the only person in this cesspit to understand what I was going through? The only person willing to help me?

Fucking Angel Dust. He'd been through the same shit; he knew the unique flavor of Hell I was experiencing, coming down from that shit. He got me a room at the hotel, even got up in Vaggie's face about it. Everyone else trusted him enough to let me stay and get clean.

Now, my head's clear for the first time in nearly a decade, and I realize how much shit I've missed out on- my business empire, the one thing I can claim to actually have down here, has stagnated into recycled garbage instead of pushing the envelop in developing new infernal technologies.

As for Velvette... she knew. Hell, she helped mass market his power as a damn 'love potion'. It took me a while to figure out how I felt about that. In the end... I wouldn't have listened to her if she had tried warning me- already too addicted at that point- but she did at least help me keep our empire from collapsing into a fucking mess and played bouncer with Val enough times. I'm willing to reconnect with her but I just haven't figured out how to do that quite yet. Velvette can be bullheaded; if she's still mad at me for abandoning the Tower, I have to wait it out a bit.

I can be a patient man, when the mood strikes. I'm going to wait and see.

((The backstory provided here is a summation of Vox's storyline in the Bratty Bottom Lute series on AO3, specifically his appearance in Old Faces Made New.))

[remove-the-stairs-bitch]

The greatest misery you will ever face is the misery found in trying to search for yourself in yourself. It takes the words of other people. It takes selflessness. And selflessness takes growth.

I'll tell you all now what I wish I had known back then: Growth is NEVER easy. It is NEVER fun, at least until you figure out that it *is* growth. But it's always so much better than running from your problems or stagnating. When we grow, we become free. When we grow, we stop caring about our wants. We begin to ask others what they want.

A person who is not learning is actively dying. A person who is not working is actively dying. A person who is not growing is actively dying. These things take a lot of work to want to do. I learned this the hard way. When we look at it all like chores or responsibility, it becomes this drudgery that we "ought to just get over with, or the whole day will be dull." It is not. Just like putting the laundry away, or sweeping the front porch, it's a privilege. It's something that we have earned and we should want to keep in good order.

Growth is pain. Beauty is pain. Life is pain. I hate to say it, but in order to leave the pain of growth and beauty and life behind, you either have to push past it, or you have to give up. There's only one of these options I condone, which is perseverance. Somebody who does not persevere will never grow, and will never learn, and will never experience joy. These things, again, are not easy. They are not fun. They are work. And that little bit of work, that light, momentary affliction, is the first step towards growth.

Nobody likes to change. It is frightening. It is painful. It's difficult. But there have been several times that I've heard and seen the sentiment that it's the world that ought to change. This isn't true. This will never be true. The world doesn't care. And it never will. In reality, and in my experience, the change that truly needs to happen is individual. Not to become more accepting or tolerant, but to become somebody who is willing to help others. Not that helping others is necessary, but the willingness and readiness to help others is a big part of being human. If we did not want to help each other, we would have no society.

I have experienced all of this. From change in my extraneous circumstances to change in my own body. They never tell you just how horrible being a teenager is, and the "changes" they tell you about are so incredibly understated. If I had continued down the path that I had chosen, I am certain I would have stepped in front of a freight train at some point. In that age, you have no desire to change. You're already changing so much that any more is overwhelming. I understand it; I am still going through it.

But life prepares us by being difficult. Nothing comes easy, except death. What is gained from a death but sorrow? So then do the work necessary to be alive. Don't spend your extra energy here, or on games, or on YouTube, or otherwise. Spend it doing something you love. I hate to sound like I'm on a high horse. But time spent on producing tangible results (be it drawing, gardening, exercising, reading, speaking to family, or otherwise,) is time spent producing visible landmarks of progress. Even if the drawing turns out like shit. Even if the flowers don't bloom and the peppers aren't good. Even if you're sore the next day, even if the book sucks, even if your family doesn't agree with you. Everything is progress.

Even the least respected jobs have high demand. If there were no fast food workers, where would most of America eat? If there were no garbage collectors, who would take away our waste? If there was no postal service, who would deliver checks and bills? Therefore, find some way to find honor in your work, and you will appreciate it more.

[crystalelemental]

“megazardx2: That’s the “beautiful” thing about capitalism. It really doesn’t matter if a company is making a profit, or if their losses aren’t that bad; they’ll always look for ways to make an even  BIGGER profit or not suffer any losses. There’s no such thing as “good enough.”“

No, I get that.  I’m saying they’re doing it wrong.

“Also, capitalism and art are like oil and water; they don’t mix, no matter how much we pretend they do. Look at Scarlet and Violet, for example. A game with tons of love poured in from the actual creative people at Game Freak, only to be neutered by executives who wanted it out by a certain time because $$$.

So while Variety Scouts may be boring from an artistic perspective, if they make enough bank relative to the minimal amount of effort spent on them, then you bet DeNA’s execs will gravitate towards them over Seasonals or Special Costumes, which require more time and effort. It’s f***ed, is what it is, but unless artistic quality correlates to money gained, the quality will be sacrificed every single time. TL;DR: I agree with you, but I don’t think the Giovanni expys running DeNA would. (Sorry if I got too political.)  (I’ve been REALLY angry about capitalism stifling the potential of media lately.)”

You’re fine.  You’re not wrong.  But what I’m saying is, the avoidance of loss is not growth, and the tech industry fucking loves growth, so this feels antithetical to their objective and is going about it in a way that isn’t actually maximizing profit.

Consider the following:

People hate the Variety Scouts, and in almost all situations, the broad majority of players skip.  In fact, many people skip most banners due to high spark threshold, so seasonal and even many PokeFair options are ignored too.

People want more general pool additions, but conventional wisdom is never scout for general pool, so limited scouts make better money.

Popular characters are the most consistent means of generating profit, and people don’t like it when popular characters are “Spammed.”  But they’ll still pull.

From this, we can make a few suggestions when you dig into the specific problem:

#1: People Skip Most Stuff This is a two-parter, the first being just...spark.  Spark is expensive.  Spark is more gems than you get for free in an entire month.  On average, you get maybe 8 pairs a year, and you desperately need to make them count.  As the game flatlines on what can be done at the top, many players are looking at things and saying hey, I have a good [insert type here] Striker for CS, and can get my ten wins in Gauntlet okay.  I don’t need new stuff.

The simple solution is powercreep being mandatory, but that will kill the game.  Like, people will not respond well.  It’ll likely make profit, but the culture around it will stagnate.  They seem invested in avoiding this for the moment, and instead look to practical solutions like the limited CS, High Score, etc.

Another solution is lowering the damned spark threshold.  I’m dead serious, I have every faith that people would be more inclined to spend a bit if it had more clear-cut results, but the company will never, ever do this.

So you’re left with two options: shotgun approach, or the tried and true.

Shotgun approach is just throw everything at the wall.  I think this month will be a good indicator of it, with Tate and Liza on the seasonal end as legitimately good sync pairs worth trying for, while the Variety scouts are absolute garbage but cost nothing.  All of them are low-popularity.  If the Variety Scouts and Seasonals have a roughly even number of people pull (which, from Reddit response, may well be the case), then the Variety scouts win.  Similar gain, significantly different cost.  Variety Scouts are superior.  But that assumes you play to less popular characters...

#3: Popularity Always Wins And they goddamned know it.  If they could, they’d spam the hell out of popular characters, but most (not all) get a lot of negative fan response from getting “too many alts.”  This doesn’t seem to be an absolute value issue though.  Steven and Blue reach 5 and 6 alts respectively and no one bats an eye, but Leon hits three and people are up in arms.  There are other possibilities, but I think time and frequency is the key factor.  Characters like Leon and Marnie got three alts in the span of a year.  Galar started getting annoying to many people it took up so many seasonals.  To say nothing of how much of its cast is still missing anyway.

From this, we can divine that popularity spam is a matter of what’s interspersed.  Consider that seasonals are only two at a time, and we have five seasonal sets: New Year, Palentine, Summer, Halloween, and Winter.  Ten slots.  Ten opportunities for low popularity characters.  And half of them tend to be popular options.  We’re through six.  Dawn and Elesa are the popular picks.  Until now, it was 50/50 on popular/less popular.  This duo threw it in favor of less popular.  Halloween or Winter could throw it back.  But people get really upset when it’s too often, and when, perhaps most critically, other options don’t stand a chance.

A sentiment going around Reddit right now is that “no one actually wants unpopular characters unless it’s their favorite unpopular character,” and that’s stupid.  I think the dilemma is less that people aren’t willing to be happy about other less popular options getting attention, so much as...when you have such limited odds, of course it’s frustrating.  To a degree, you have to up the odds of your minor fave getting in to keep people happy, but doing that leads to frequent use of poorly selling characters.  So what do you do?

Make more.  No really, make more sync pairs in a month.  Intersperse popular characters with comparable regularity, or even slightly more frequent, but up what you produce in a month.  Right now we get 4-6 pairs.  Up it to 6-8.  There’s nothing stopping you.  Rerun things more often; people are always waiting for a rerun.  Your spark system’s a disaster, but people will pull where they want.  The limited angle gets people to pull in a panic over when something will return, but that tapers off.  The difference between a year (Dojo Gloria) and two years (Leon) is not significant when it comes to evoking a fear of “When do they rerun?”  If you need more limited options, make more seasonals to pad things out and up how many slots you have available.  Hell, if you really want to be stingy?  People would be mad about it, but lack of an EX color scheme on a unique seasonal costume would likely go over better there than on a Variety scout.  Speaking of, you wouldn’t even need to get rid of variety scouts.  They’re low-effort, sure, but I think a lot of frustration around them is less that they’re low-effort, and more that they’re indicative of “if you’re not popular, this is all you’re likely to ever get.”  If that’s proven untrue, which this event suggests it could be, then hope remains.

But that’s also a lot of effort and cost, so there’s gotta be a better way, right?

#2: And When Nothing’s Limited, Everything Will Be General Pool.  You have like a billion unused models in your game that would cost zero dollars to add as scoutable pairs to the general pool, the introduction of which would spark considerable joy and optimism from the player base.

Moreover, if FEH taught me anything with 4* special, it’s that you can make anything feel limited by making it hard to get, even if it’s always there.  How do you get people to pull for a 4* the same way you’d pull a 5*?  By making the pool so goddamned bloated that the notion of “you’ll get it through a Master Fair pull eventually” fade to nothing.  This is doubly true with ticket scouts.  People correctly said that the ticket scouts disincentivize this, because you can free pull.  But consider Sinnoh.  Once, Volkner was the only source of Electric Terrain, and you had 1/3 odds for him.  Now it’s 1/7.  Because they added a bunch of extra Sinnoh pairs.  You want to know how to make the tickets feel less like a guarantee when something new shows up?  Bloat the pools.  When everything’s looking like Unova and Alola, your odds suddenly aren’t so sparkly anymore.  Even after villain events, you maybe get six pulls.  On Kalos, sure, I’m willing to wait on Shauna to see if I can snag a copy.  But on Unova?  Now you’re running a risk.  Better pull now.

By introducing more general pool options, which again cost zero dollars since they’re already modeled and animated, combined with more regular seasonals, you have more opportunities to “spam” your popular money makers without fans getting irritated, and cultivate more significant good will, and frankly better profit as the general pool bloats and many dolphins start looking at the difference between a 0.07% chance off-focus, or a small investment of $50, now $20 less than a modern video game, to guarantee them fully decked out.

I’m not saying capitalism and the company don’t have an antithetical investment in profit over art.  I’m saying they’re not even doing profit that intelligently, because there are better ways to really shill fan favorites, and less frustrating ways to cut costs while introducing a ton of new stuff, that also removes the feeling of safety regarding skipping general pool additions. Call me, Sasaki-san, Iguchi-san. 1-800-224-8546.

You know…it occurs to me…why doesn’t DeNA just make up new seasonals?

No one likes Variety scouts. No one. They’re limited for no reason, and with Kiawe we are very officially at “worse than general pool” tier of failure. Which is something we’ve always kinda gotten away with on seasonals. Which…are also limited. But have a costume. And generally go over better.

I assume Special Costumes didn’t have the impact they wanted, which sucks because I’ve really liked all the events as far as costuming goes. But like…make up new seasonal events. FEH has like one a month, you have some options here. And it seems a more workable solution than the Variety scouts that I cannot imagine are doing anything but bombing. If Mallow and Kiawe sell better than literally anything else this year I’ll withdraw this entire complaint and give up on the fandom entirely, because come on. There has to be a better solution here. For both of us.

The only reason not to is the removal of cost for designing and animating with the new outfit, writing dialogue, and new voice lines. Maybe it really is just cost reduction over possible profit given previous failures but it really cannot possibly be that bad.

[sizhui]

if someone else asks u about rei can u use this opportunity to talk about shunazu

YEAHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST TALKED ABOUT REI SO. SHUNAZU TIME. this is gonna be another older post slightly revamped but HERE WE GO.

SONG OF THE GARBAGE DUMP - an analysis of shunazu from both sides

the forgotten nazuna side:

No good at talking, no good at sports, average even when he tries his best... in everything except "cuteness". And being praised for his looks leaves him feeling not angry, not sad... just empty. Nito Nazuna introduces himself before he met Itsuki Shu as an unsatisfied, stagnated person who yearns to be liked, yearns for a "perfect life" - and that perfect life quite literally lands into his rms when a boy jumps from the window for him, calling him humanity's greatest work of art. For the first time ever, Nazuna feels something at the praise he receives. He, who wasn't good at anything, doesn't even need to do anything special to be the center of somebody's universe - he only needs to put his life into that person's hands and dance as he was told to, and they would live in their perfect little orderly world. Right?

And yet, Nazuna is unsatisfied. "Stagnation" is a major and very interesting theme in Valkyrie stories. The beating of my heart has stopped as wel. Ah, and yet it doesn't hurt at all! I don't feel anything - nothing at all! says Nazuna in a very metaphorical nightmare in the beginning of Human Comedy (in which ex-Valkyrie phsyically turn into dolls and in which Shu is, interestingly, way meaner and more frightening to Nazuna than he's ever bean in reality, but that's a whole other load of issues to unpack.) Stagnation in Valkyrie is always painless - even Mika speaks of being a doll as "painless salvation" in his solo - it's moving forward that's painful. It's HUMANITY that hurts. Nazuna wants to move forward from his stagnation. Shu is terrified of it. The discord between them is symbolically portrayed through Nazuna's voice changing, and Shu's dissatisfaction with it - Nazuna wants to grow up, but Shu wants to keep playing house forever. This is the moment where Nazuna begins to see Shu as the stagnated one rather than himself, and the distance between them starts growing. This is very nicely portraced through a metaphor in Human Comedy: Nazuna says something along the lines of, "I went to church not to hear the word of God, but to get cookies. But eventually the cookies became too sweet for me, so I stopped going." The church is his relationship in Shu, which he indulges in to get the praise he yarns for, to get that feeling of being someone aand something. Eventually, though, the relationship turns "too sweet" for him (we have the same metaphor with Ritmao in Band Ensemble LOL.) But Nazuna isn't entirely selfish. He still likes Shu in a way, he might even love him like he said in the spur of the moment a year later in Star Festival, so he sticks around until....

Until Shu is trampled over by Eichi, which leads us to the titular sub story, Song of the Garbage Dump.

Song of the Garbage Dump shows us Shu in the state of a complee breakdown, unable to even communicate. And in that state, Nazuna has not only left him, but also urges Mika to leave him as well: Even if you're with Itsuki, you won't get anything more from it. Even you've realized it, haven't you? Itsuki - our Oshi-san - he's become useless. Nazuna finally reveals how superficial his relationship with Shu was to him. He finally identified SHU as the source of his stagnation, and discarded him at the lowest point of his life - which is something people always, always seem to ignore.

In conclusion, Nazuna was a marionette, yes, but rather than by Shu, he was puppeteered around by his own feelings of inferority. He will eventually grow out of it through his relationship with Ra*bits (my mutual @jimenyan knows a lot about this) but what matters rn is that he'd never been a passive participant in his relationship with Shu, despite the way he physically acts passively - his desires were the driving force of it, and especially its breakup.

the misunderstood Shu side:

I shan't explain the entire relationship from Shu's perspective again, but I will address the two most important thhings: what does humanity mean to Shu, and what do dolls mean to Shu?

While it's never explicitly stated that Shu's family and peers severely abused him in childhood, his flashbacks, his disorder, the way he speaks about his mother and, above all, his dirtied view of humanity... it's more than suggested. While talking to Mika, Shu explains humanity like this: the impulse to hurt and kill a loved one against all reason. He even tells Mika to kill him in order to invoke feelings of Humanity in him. On the other hand, dolls are his saviors. Much like how he's grown to associate his abuse with the concept of himanity, Shu associates everything pure and good with the image of dolls (as well as children, perhaps for resembling dolls, perhaps because it reminds him of a time when he was more innocent. Certain writers like to make creep jokes about it, but I don't believe Shu is genuinely a creep in this area.) Dolls will not hurt him, nor will they feel pain - which is exaclty why he's stuck in a state of painless salvation. When he sought to turn the people he loves, Nazuna and later Mika, into dolls, he didn't seek to control them, but to absolve them of the filth of humanity. He never sought to become a doll himself, but to save others from the hurt he'd already experienced. Was it healthy? Of course not. But was it selfish?

CONCLUSION: in the end, Shu and Nazuna were both messed up and immature ex-catholic boys who tried really hard to be gay, and failed at it supremely.

[omoi-no-hoka]

Do you have any advice for Japanese learners who struggle to overcome the intermediate plateau? You are so knowledgeable about Japanese, I'd love to hear your experiences on how you learn and keep improving! Thank you ^_^

Aww man you’re just too sweet. I’m still in the process of learning too. 💗

That intermediate plateau is the hardest thing to overcome. It’s something that was talked a lot about in some of the second language acquisition courses I took back in uni. Let’s delve further into it, because this is something that all language learners will struggle with, regardless of what language you’re learning.

What is the Intermediate Plateau?

👆 a visual representation of the plateau lol

When you first start learning a new language, most learners experience quick and satisfying progress. “Oh man, learning the “te” form was way easier than I thought it’d be!” or “Okay, I got this list of verbs down right away!” “Alright, I got this hiragana down!” 

But then you move on to the kanji. The whole kudasaru, yaru, kureru, ageru, sashiageru, morau, itadaku mess, and you start to struggle a bit. But you can still do it! You’re still learning the words and the grammar and it’s challenging, but you can feel your progress and success. 

But then you finish your textbooks (Probably Genki I, Genki II, and An Integrated Approach to Intermediate Japanese), and suddenly those bursts of success become less and less, until you can no longer feel any progress. 

You read manga and you see lots of words you know, but lots more words that you don’t know. You watch anime and you can catch some sentences, but there are still a lot that you wouldn’t have understood without the English subtitles to help you out. 

This feeling of a lack of progress, of a stagnation, is called the “intermediate plateau.”

My Experiences with the Intermediate Plateau

I tackled the Intermediate Plateau twice: with spoken Japanese and written Japanese. 

I’ve been lucky to have very good listening comprehension and an ability to “fill in the gaps.” After finishing Genki I, II, and An Integrated Approach to Intermediate Japanese, I could basically follow most spoken conversations. There were words I didn’t know, but through context I was able to make educated guesses at what they meant. However, I was stuck using simpler words when I spoke, and it was so frustrating to be able to understand the words, yet be unable to recall them and use them when I wanted to. 

Then I graduated and moved to Japan. Oh man, I thought I was such hot stuff. “I studied Japanese for 5 years, and I even studied Classical Japanese. I’m gonna have such an easy time of it here.”

...It took me about three days of living in Japan to realize that I was absolutely illiterate. I couldn’t understand any of the visa application forms or what they were telling me I needed to provide. Misunderstood the times I had to have the garbage put outside because I had never seen the kanji 迄（まで, “until, by”) before. Couldn’t read most billboards. 

Especially with that kanji for “made” 迄. That was what really made me realize that I was at the plateau kanji-wise. You learn the particle まで in your first year. It was something I could use perfectly. But I hadn’t even known that there was a kanji for it until I tried to take out my trash out and found out that I was supposed to have it in the bin BY 9:30, not AFTER 9:30, like I had guessed it meant. :(

To pour salt into the wound, I have been able to read in English since I was 3 years old. I literally cannot remember a time I could not read. It is one of my favorite pastimes and I also do creative writing. This made the fact that I couldn’t read all-the-more frustrating.

How I Overcame the Plateau

I took that frustration and I turned it into fuel. I vowed to learn ALL THE KANJI. I started using the website and app WaniKani obsessively. I’m here to tell you, that app is what made me literate. It is worth every single penny if you already have a good grasp on the language but your kanji is weak, like me. 

Basically, it teaches you 2,000 kanji and 6,000 reinforcing vocabulary across 60 levels. It doesn’t group the kanji necessarily by JLPT level. Rather, it groups them by radicals and frequency more or less. Each level will introduce 3-4 radicals, and then 10-15 kanji that use those radicals. It quizzes you on their on-yomi and kun-yomi, gives you mnemonics to remember them, and then once you’ve answered them all correctly enough times, it introduces vocabulary that uses those kanji, further reinforcing the readings and increasing your vocabulary. As a former language teacher and studier of second language acquisition, I am here to tell you that this method works. And it’s fun. It doesn’t feel like studying. 

I also started reading Rurouni Kenshin. Even today, it is a challenging read for me. Back then, it would take me days to read just one chapter. But I wrote down every new word in a notebook, and also saved them to my dictionary app, Akebi. 

To this day, this dictionary is my lifeline. You can make vocabulary lists in there, so I have a list for each book or series I’m reading, along with a list of words I find just everyday in conversation or news or something. It’s got a simple flashcard quiz feature for each list too! Seriously, if you’re an Android user, I highly recommend this app. It’s free!

Those were my two main study methods. The more kanji I learned how to read, obviously I was able to read better.

The really fascinating thing about kanji is that they’re like Legos. You can stick them together to make any word you want, really. So if you understand each kanji and remember its pronunciation, even if you see/hear a word for the first time, you can put together the meaning piece by piece.

Because I understood more kanji and could recall their readings, I could hear a new word in a conversation and think to myself, “Okay, we’re talking about how Hokkaido doesn’t get as much snow as it used to. This word ‘ondanka’ must be...温 (おん, heat) 暖 (だん, heat) 化 (か, change). Oh! ‘global warming!’” 

So when I overcame the kanji plateau, I simultaneously overcame the spoken plateau. Knowing the kanji gave me the power to hear a new word in a certain context and infer what kanji must be used for that word, and therefore what that word meant. 

My Advice to You

For me, the key to overcoming the plateau in Japanese was studying more kanji. So I recommend that you keep studying kanji and keep reading. But make sure that they are reading materials that you love!! If you’re not interested in what you’re reading, you’ll run out of steam. 

Another really important thing is to be cognizant of the progress you’ve made. For example, maybe you have a Japanese song you’ve been listening to for years, and for the first time today you picked out a new word--one that you just studied the other day. Pat yourself on the back at every victory, no matter how small it may seem! There’s proof of your progress.

Best of luck to you in your studies!

[thewhitefluffyhat]

Thoughts on Karin’s Magical Girl Story

Another collection of thoughts and reactions, plus analyzing some small changes the NA translation made (similar to the translation comparison I did for Alina’s MGS a while back).

Starting off with not a change, but an interesting note: Karin and Alina’s club situation is rather strange.  Alina is the “outsider” from the Art Club, while Karin is part of the Manga Club.  The classroom they share, though, doesn’t appear to be the main space for either club.  I’d initially assumed that it was the room originally used for the Manga Club, but once Arc 2 updates these backgrounds...

It turns out this actually is an art classroom!  I guess the school just has two?

First major change: Just like in Alina’s MGS, they removed direct references to Karin and Alina’s ages.  The reference to Karin’s age at the start of the Magical Halloween Theater event was also changed.

(In JP here, Alina was said to have won a lot of different awards “for a 16 year old,” while Karin stated her age as 14 in the MHT event.)

Again, unsure of why the change, but it could be in order to fix the continuity issues. Because good lord, that continuity is snarled...

I think the order that makes the most sense is Karin MGS > Alina MGS > Magius forms > one year passes > MHT > Main Story Ch5 > Holy Alina’s MGS.  In theory, then Karin should be 13 and Alina should be 15 in their Magical Girl Stories and then 14 and 16 in the present, but as mentioned that’s contradicted by the start of Karin’s MGS in the original Japanese.

There’s also the weirdness around when/how Karin learned Alina was a magical girl, since Karin seems aware of it in MHT, yet it’s unclear if she knows in Holy Alina’s MGS.

… Anyway, stuff like this is why I gave up on constructing a coherent timeline for Magia Record.  There’s just too many continuity tangles.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

References to Karin being in her second year in middle school and the third years leaving – also changed.  Probably because it’s both an uncommon way to refer to grades in English, and also, once again, another continuity issue.  (If the third years left, why is Alina still there in one years’ time if she’s at least one grade ahead of Karin?)

Another change: some specifics in why Karin and Alina are in the same classroom together.  In JP, it’s not specified who made the deal to let Alina use the room.  If anything it seems like Karin is the one making a deal directly with Alina.

Which actually makes far more sense all around – why does “the school” care that Alina is giving informal lessons to some random kid?

And it makes more sense from Alina’s perspective too, in that it explains why she tolerates Karin constantly bothering her – putting up with Karin is explicitly the price she’s paying to Karin for using the space.

Oh boy, this.  Karin having this mindset is why it took me so long to really ship AliKari.  Because the dark undertone to “if only I improve, then surely Alina will treat me better” is that Karin is blaming herself when Alina is cruel to her.  And that can very easily slide into an abusive relationship - if you don’t consider it one already.

Alina treating Karin decently should not be dependent on Karin’s art skill.  Or anything else, for that matter.  Full stop.

(Tangent time, including some Arc 2 spoilers)

What ultimately made me come around to AliKari is some of the early Arc 2 stuff, where Karin starts thinking the reason Alina disappeared is because Alina is mad at Karin for not improving.  Karin’s explanation is spectacularly wrong, so I’m now more trusting that the game is implying that Karin’s mindset is going to change. That she’ll stop believing she’s at fault for Alina’s actions - and hopefully stand up to Alina too while she’s at it.

The other half of the equation is Alina, who as far as I can tell, is genuinely not interested in bullying Karin.  She certainly has every opportunity to do so – especially given how her teacher punishes Karin for Alina’s behavior – but Alina never takes advantage of it.  So while she is overly harsh and blunt about expressing her opinions to Karin, I don’t get the sense there is any manipulation underlying it.  Indeed, very unusually for Alina, we also never see her enjoying or fantasizing about Karin’s pain or distress.  She really, truly, just wants Karin to get better at art already!

Obviously, for any kind of relationship between the two to work, they would both need to undergo significant character development.  But that’s the draw of AliKari – while other characters have stagnated (sigh, RikaRen), Alina and Karin are still some of the most dynamic characters in the game. And in general, the direction has been that despite starting out in a bad place (like Karin’s mindset above), they’re growing to become very positive influences on each other.

(End tangent)

Enjoying the extra cliches thrown in here and there, and in general how they translated Karin’s dramatics by adding additional cheesy and on-theme descriptions.  Stuff like “dark and dreary night” or “cauldron of trouble” aren’t in the original Japanese, but they’re wonderfully in-character – honestly probably an improvement over the original!

Not a change, but more reminding myself that I really need to read Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne.  I’m like 97% sure that’s what’s being referenced here – the plot description and even the comments Karin makes about “Phantom Thief Kirin” In her later Magic unlock quotes are all a very close match.

Interestingly enough, I’ve heard KKJ mentioned as an earlier dark magical girl series that Madoka Magica rips off.  So it’s quite interesting to see it referenced again back in a PMMM property – I wonder which part of the creative team was responsible for this detail?

Hm, so, the subject and detail of Karin and Alina’s conversation in the middle differs between translations.  In JP, the subject is vague, so the fan translation has Alina going off on an extended metaphor comparing the history of art to the protagonist of Karin’s manga.  Meanwhile, in NA she just makes vague comments comparing her own growth as an artist.  

I think I prefer the former - Alina usually doesn’t like talking about herself, but she sure loves to ramble about art history.

The translation I can find for the metaphor Karin’s grandmother uses here in JP renders it “barely able to keep a business going” - so did Karin’s grandmother possibly own a business herself?  That’s a bit more interesting than just “struggled to make ends meet.”

Speaking of Karin’s grandmother, I really like her as a character.  Her relationship with Karin is really sweet - I mean, how often do you see a teenage girl and an older woman being fans of something together?  It happens in real life plenty of times, but it’s so rare to see this kind of interaction represented in fiction.

And it’s nice to see an example of mental illness being treated as just that – an illness.  I especially like that there’s consent to the cure – Grandma outright says she wishes to be cured, rather than Karin deciding as such on her own.  (As Karin is often wont to do…)

This is a fun illustration of how Alina has a very strong internal logic to her, but she’s really terrible at communicating it to other people.

Karin, naturally, takes Alina’s comment here as an exceptionally mean thing to say – it sounds like Alina is callously implying the thing Karin worked so hard on was so bad it wasn’t even worth Alina’s time to destroy, so she’s making Karin suffer even more in having to destroy it herself.

And the way Alina elaborates makes it quite clear that yes, she did mean to call Karin’s work garbage.  This isn’t Alina having difficulty with Japanese or English.

But while Alina’s sense of taste can be quite sadistic, I don’t think that’s what she was aiming for here.  Remember that Alina believes that “only the artist themselves has the right to destroy their work.”  So this is actually Alina acknowledging Karin’s work as art, and therefore only Karin has the right to rip it up.

And why rip it up?  Because whenever Alina finds her own work unsatisfactory, she destroys it.  Hence Alina’s question at the end of this little back-and-forth:

If Karin doesn’t want to rip up her manga, then according to Alina’s logic, that means she must be happy and satisfied with it.  But even Alina can tell that Karin is still unsatisfied and lying to herself, hence Alina’s frustration and confusion at Karin not destroying her work.

Another timeline note: Alina doesn’t lie, and even if she did, she doesn’t have a ring here.  So I think it’s pretty settled that Karin’s MGS takes place before Alina learned about magical girls.

Oh huh. In NA, Alina thinks she’ll be the one in trouble if Karin isn’t ready.  In the fan translation I’m used to, it seems like Alina is saying she’d just be mad herself… but I think NA has it right here.  (In the original JP, Alina is using the passive form of “get angry” without a subject.)

Both work, but the impression NA gives with both this change and the earlier one is that someone at the school is basically putting Alina in charge of supervising Karin.  Which… what the hell, Sakae Academy?

Going back a bit, Alina’s advice and its effect on Karin is interesting.  One of Karin’s flaws really is that she makes excuses for herself and only half-commits, so Alina pushing her to think about what she truly wants and work hard to get it was genuinely what Karin needed to hear at the time.

However, Alina is also an obsessive perfectionist that tends to push herself to very clearly unhealthy levels…

So it’s rather fitting that on following Alina’s advice, Karin ends up pushing herself into doing something very dangerous: insisting on fighting a witch alone even though Kaede tries to get her to retreat.  Karin is so determined she’s risking her life to fulfill her goal – something Alina would no doubt approve of.  But also a great illustration of why Alina and her advice is flawed too.

Which, come to think of it, is part of why Karin and Alina’s MGS actually form a nice pair of complementary short stories.  If you read them in chronological(?) / original JP release order, you first get to see how Alina helps Karin to grow as a person, and if you think hard about it, you can kind of see foreshadowing for Alina’s own issues.  Then in Alina’s MGS, you get confirmation of that foreshadowing about Alina, and furthermore, the payoff to Karin’s development with her now being the one to give Alina some hard-hitting advice.

[thudthud]

the hunger of colonization

I transport the account of colonizer on my skin, The karma of my ancestors, a vicious quantity left by the need to win Every mis step taken is another memory within my brain My ancestors did nought for creation… in fact they were quite vain There is nothing I can do about altering the past All I can do is put in sufficient exertion to make the change of energy last My grandpa used to say, “ There are good Indians and bad”* HOWEVER, It was on their backs that I’ve received everything I’ve ever had.

Whenever these words were spoken I would shut my ears off from it pretend I was in my happy place and acquit them from all judgment. I know now that doing that wasn’t the right decision That I should have made standing with my friends my one and only mission. The speeches they expressed around me never rested well in my stomach I could see all the privilege I’ve been provided from it. You may look at me…. and ask what backs behind me I see.

I see Grandmas and Aunts. Uncles and Dads. Babies, friends and some very injured lads. I see their home and land being given to people because of the color of skin they had. I know what it feels like to have your home ripped from you. To only be able to look at a distance as your home is used without you. Being told you were never welcome in the first place That you need to leave so someone ‘better’ can take your space. The words that left my mouth much were, “WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG?” “DID I NOT TRY TO TO EVERYTHING YOU ASKED, HAVE I NOT BEEN STRONG?”

When I opted to make my life about making things better, I ungracefully untied knots that had always been together. Knots within myself and the people around me. Knots within the very constructs of society. a lot of those knots never parted whatsoever, A lot of the people thought their remarks were quite clever. They really weren’t clever in the slightest. A lot of their views were incredibly rightest. The year right now is twenty one years past the millennium, I still have aunts that worked and slapped kids in gymnasiums. They hide under their veils and hoards of cloth. Sitting around tables together to scoff I know this to be true because I’ve seen it with my own eyes, Resting over tables and telling each other lies.

The color of your skin should not dictate your worth. Certain things should not be a guarantee from birth. The path forward is curvy and long The start of it wasn’t marked with the bang of the gong For a lot of us this will be our lifelong matter I really hope that at some point we can all work together.

My skin is pale and white. but please understand I am still trying to do what is right. There is no way in the world I could ever fully comprehend, Id like to help with anything to try and make amends Saying sorry does nothing at all, It’s the actions that go with them that allow a person to stand tall. If you filled a room with my family you’d see Half of them are bending backwards screaming like Banshee’s Their screams fill the room with darkness and hate. Their ideas and opinions have become stagnate. Its time now to hear the voices of those who were hurt For me and my people to help them burn down the church.

This system was built on all of their blood and sweat changing from residential schools to foster homes with very little and yet Many middle fingers are still raised high Justin Trudeau are we allowed to ask why? Why was there an “Indian problem”** to be fixed? Why is there so much internal trauma that’s so deep and all mixed? People in these positions of power doing the same over again despite the people getting louder

If the ancient Greeks travelled here to see democracy in action they’d cry kneel to the ground and Throw their hands to the sky “Why doesn’t everyone have a voice” “We invented democracy so people would have a real choice” If I had a child in the world today, I would be so wary of the words people use around and say. How big a deal it is to raise our babies into Earth Warriors, never knowing pain and only being filled with wonder. Full disclosure? I have no idea what I am doing all I know is I need to get behind what is brewing. This us and them has gone on forever you’d think after a few hundred years we would have gotten much better.

I read columbus’s*** journals in my first year of university, A book wrapped in hate and providing much clarity. “These people are beautiful” he wrote in his journal “They would make excellent slaves” he said and I hurled This journal entry has impacted the lives of you and me These journal entries shaped our entire society.

At one point in time, I was racist and all of my views were undeniably baseless. I some times remember those views in the back of my mind how can people who speak those thoughts ever think they are kind? We need to tell people to stop spewing inappropriate garbage Stop looking at all these people as targets and listening to their knowledge There’s a man in my town who stands on a box with a mic His speakers being over used with too much force and might Babies and kids walk past him with their mothers. Hearing from him that God hates their sisters and brothers. Freedom of speech only goes to far Human rights need to not be seen as bizarre I come from the settlers of this land coming here being promised something very grand When I walk on the sidewalk people clear the space for me If only they knew for them id take a knee. I am starting to understand what it can feel like to be hyper aware of your skin. To not feel totally comfortable in any space that you are in. I have friends who are both one and the other. Getting blamed by both communities for not being another The internal struggle they wake up daily with is something we need to start understanding. That being part of both communities should be something rewarding.

I used to be a day camp counselor, getting to work with amazing kids every summer. One week a child came in my care, being sent with a rap sheet I was hyper aware. The week started just like any other, telling the kids the rules and to get along with one another. He sat separate from most of the children, asking every ten minutes to go to the washroom. After the second day I pulled him aside to just talk we ended up on the forest path outside and walked The child was going to the washroom you see To wash his hands it was not to pee. “I do it every ten minutes, because out of all the kids I am certainly the dirtiest” He showed me his beautifully tanned skin and he sighed feeling like all of himself was something to hide. Tears filled my eyes and started to fall, I didn’t think anything I had to say would have any pull at all. this sweet baby in front of me was hurting so much it was a crime To make an innocent child believe they are covered in slime. “Baby boy I am going to tell you this once and very clear, there is nothing wrong with your skin at all my dear. You are a child unlike any other, being blamed for the anger and called a great bother. I see you my child I see you so clear You are so beautiful this breaks my heart and fills it with fear I worry that someone else is going to say something like this to you and that you will try to mend the cracks yourself with nasty unfit views. When you stand in the pond out back of the center, the tadpoles come to you like you’re an energy center. The bees fly around you with so much glee, I know no other person who has bees sleep on their knees” We really need to get into everyone’s minds that being racist isn’t cool and all of that knowledge hand off starts within our schools If I had been educated properly maybe getting thrown into it wouldn’t be so bewildering That colonization hasn’t done much good for the world, its sent us all spinning. When I was growing up I was told there are three sides to every story. That the truth was hidden somewhere in the middle of all the hate and swearing. I think if we all just sat down and centered with the earth once a day. We would all pay more mind to what these people say. *This sentence isn’t appropriate and is incredibly wrong. I loved my Grandpa very much but his views weren’t right.

**Duncan Campell Scott said this in parliament quite a few years before Hitler announced that Germany “Has to fix the Jew problem” This is genocidal speech.

***we do not capitalize the names of those who do not matter.

By Thudthud

[mikkock]

Hey hi your murder mystery art is super totally cool and amazing and I'd like to Extra! Extra! hear all about it *rattles bells*

haha wow i cant believe ud ask me THIS! unbelievable! now im gonna have to make a long post!

all info under the cut cause im kind like that ♥

For reasons I felt like making a Fancy Ass murder mystery story, with you know, hella complex secret storylines and everyone having drama and shit, and one person died but the more the story goes the less people care about who did the murder and the more they want tHE JUICY DETAILs. X and Y had an afFAIR you say!!! well that’s thousands time more interesting than that murder that happened, who cares about the culprit its not like any of us are going anywhere anyway! tell me more about the marital issues!

The ultimate Vibes are Clue (the game, ya kno, it had a movie too, and that movie was shot with three different endings -fun fact- so that movie theatres could play one alternatively that way people wouldnt get spoiled or even if they did they would not get the ending they were spoiled or even if all three were spoiled you couldnt know which ending you were getting anyway, big dick move, cause its an old movie and film is expensive, also that movie stupid and campy, ALSO I ONLY LEARNED MAKING THIS AU THAT IN ENGLISH THE GAME’S CALLED “CLUE” wE CALL IT CLUEDO therefore my wip playlist is called cluedo. because. fuck it.)(i just have an emotional attachment to that game i even had a cd rom video game version and it was the spookiest shit for a 6 years old, trust me, i played it so much tho i didnt even understand the rULES i was just making scenarios like gathering the characters in rooms n making conversations outloud cause honestly the banter is the best part of a murder mystery) ANYWAY that sure is a whole paragraph of tangent. 

BUT YE the inspo from the Clue game. you can tell it from the Colours obviously, everyone’s colour codded.(even everyone’s name is colours as well you’ll see it’s real dang fancy! im just remaking that game but with 2932020 characters and more behind the scenes drama and also for gay people.)

So BASIC PLOT!

Sir Belyy, the dude in white, is The Rich Powerful Respected Fancy Boss, and he throws a Fancy Reception Party with his closest friends and associates to celebrate the opening of a new branch of his business. All the lads gather in his wonderful little very isolated mansion in the middle of nowhere, like ok he got a death wish or something or he’s very trusting of his business partners, but not a good move, cause in the middle of the reception, as A Phat Storm Starts (for plot convenience, we going with a campy vibe if you couldnt tell), his body is found, it’s awful, there’s a killer on the loose! All the guests gather, and attempt to maybe contact the authorities, to not avail, since The Storm ya know, phone lines are Broken my dude. Its clear that the culprit is among them, since no one could have entered the house, or left it (cuz once again, ThE sTORm). And then it’s all about interrogating each other, distrust, alliances and betrayal, revealing one’s deepest secrets when they form an alibi and revealing someone else’s deepest secret for they could be a motive! Meanwhile there’s a dead body in the mansion just chillin there. 

.

So as I mentioned, I changed everyone’s name to be colour related (or ya know, food or flowers of that colour cause sometimes a colour in a language would not work as a name given the way names work in that culture all that jazz) which is the trippiest thing cause tHATS NOT YALLS USUAL NAMES but its fun (also changed so many ages hgfhs it was a trip)(still no one’s really old i guess i got boomerphobia). The “Cast” is clearly the most important part, and if ur a True “My OCs” Connaisseur (hdfghd the most useful skill to have, knowing *MY* Charactersdshgd) you may have recognised some faces and can already read some vibes and predict who will be progressing the plot and who will be yelling at people throwing accusations ghdfgd.

(god i wish i hadnt slacked off making the portraits of everyone in that AU i only have 3 tho that’s so sad so ill just make little sketches just cause <3 only text??? i got too many hoes with no attention span for that)

.

Sir BELYY (the one who dIEs lmao)

(bust shot missing the fact that this man is the tallest beefiest lad around)

Intimidating, powerful, composed, wealthy, carries the name of a family who has generations of control to it’s reputation, he’s The Man that hoes who believe in the economy wishes they were. As in, the “self made” man who only just happened to benefit from having a wealthy background to uplift his plans. In his youth, he wanted to prove his worth, seperated himself from his father, started a business, that business became big, then got attached to the family’s business, bam back to square one but with Reputation now. There seemed to be VERY big tension between him and The Father, some speculate it had to do with his unknown mother, and some family drama there, and it never got resolved as old man Belyy died quite young (the jUICY speculations are that current sir Belyy mURDEREd old man sir Belyy, fucked up if true!). People love him though in general, as he has that reputation of “Cold Lad With a Gold Heart” aka he takes people under his wings, donates, doesnt treat his employees like the absolute worst garbage etc... you know, he’s rich and a half decent person, so obviously he’s an angel on earth. But does it matter though, he’s dead! that’s the concept of the story!  

Mr.GRAY (the grey guest)(who could have guessed from the name)

He’s one of Sir Belyy’s oldest employees, and benefits from a high rank in the company. But, sadly for him, he’s been stagnating lately, as newer, youngest employees seem to have Belyy’s favours, and are his prefered associates for important tasks and positions. Therefore he has Some Bitterness, Some Salt, Some Distaste, some unbriddled but professionally muted hatred for Specific people in the company. He can be an antagonistic figure, but the amount of time he spent in Belyy’s circle grants him an immense quantity of information about the man, but mostly, about his business. Anything about the company’s history, dealings, operations, he’s aware of, either having been told of them, or having snooped around to obtain, immune to being questioned due to his legitimacy in the company.

Mr.LIM (the green guest)

Remember when it was said that Gray had beef with some employees cause they were younger and rose to high ranks faster than him and became Belyy’s favourite over him? Yeah well here comes the one he hates the most for that (ofc he’s belyys fave cuz he’s Mine <3) Our lad caught Belyy’s attention for his Exploits in like, em fancy high school tournaments of smart people, it’s a thing its ridiculous, making kids compete on Smart stuff for the pride of their schools n shit, well homie Lim got clout when doing that, and Belyy was extremely interested cause that kid’s main thing was how “this young lad got mad strategic skills tf are u a war general or smth how fancy”, and that’s a coveted skill for ruthless business. So as soon as the kid is an adult, bam, join the company my dude. And because he’s just that Cool n Sexy ofc he met the expectations Belyy had, and old man Belyy got attached cuz it do be such a young lad, a kid, mentally i am adopting. That’s how you get a youngas employee becoming the right hand man of one the phatest CEO in a few years, and even make your way into being a Good Lad on top of a business partner. And that’s how you get Gray to hate your ass too. Now though, fine lad with mad strategic skills, rising to power that fast, and even infiltrating Belyy’s private life? If I were Gray I’d call suspicion there’s surely some shady stuff going no way we’re just dealing with a nice fella who just happens to work good and be friendly to the boss right?

Herra MUSTA (the black “guest”)

Belyy’s newest butler, assistant, house keeper, he multitasks. His family has been tied to Belyy’s for generations, fullfilling roles of help, but also of confidents. He’s been the head butler since only a short time, after his mother passed, and as such is still “in training” you could say, despite having served the family his whole life. There are rumours going around that the contract tying his family to the Belyys may end on his generation and need to be resigned. He known the manor by heart, and carries all keys to any locked room (and mostly, The Master Key, cause in an old house, some doors may be locked beyond all still existing keys). He also knows secrets of the family that no one else knows, but good luck getting em out of him, he’s under contract not to divulge em bro.

Mr. HASSEL (the brown guest)

Belyy’s childhood friend. They grew up together, pictured their dreams together, sworn to flourish together, worked together when starting the company, and then Hassel felt he should create his own thing instead of depending on his friend’s existing wealth, and while Belyy’s business went wild, his never took off. They still stayed very close, despite the massive difference in wealth. Belyy considers him his closest friend, the one person he can trust (fucked if hassel did the murder lemme tell u). So of course, he’s still always invited to the Prestigious meet ups where’s he’s free to feel uncomfortably out of place amongst all the rich and powerful people that he could have been a part of had he had a tiny bit of luck and a small loan from a wealthy relative...People LOVE saying he’s still hanging out with Belyy so much to leech off his wealth, cause of course they do! His bestie status means he has a whole different brand of information of Belyy than his butler does, the Most Intimate Stuff, the Childhood Stuff. The Juicy stuff ya kno...But Bro Code, its all secrets...

Sir RUZH (the red “guest”)

Deep dive into Belyy’s personnal history, the man has many employees working at his house keeping it working, clean, ya know the vibe. They live on the premice, one has a kid who’s just a Joy to be around, all the employees just vibe with that lad, he’s just a born socialite you know? Belyy gets to meet the kid, and also hella vibes with him. And because human are influenced by their feelings, he gives the kid’s mum a bit of a preferencial treatment, in the tasks she fullfils and all, til he gives her an important-as mission, and then there’s an accident n mama dies, and now Belyy got guilt and there’s this kid who just Vibes. So naturally the move is to take the kid in, and play on how his vibes are just so clean, and raise him to be the Perfect Entertainer for guests, bam, its soft power propaganda, if everyone loves your now son’s vibes, they associate them with you too. And also that’s kind of a clean rep, the selfless man who adopted his employee’s son to not have him fall to the streets, how heartwarming. Not at all traumatising for the kid too I bet! But anyway now the lad is just the most charming young adult, mission accomplished. He’s always present at any reception, ready to work his people-pleasing magic, and then going back to a gigantic empty manor to wait for the next and curate the perfect vibes to meet the expectations of dad. On the plus side, he knows everyone, and those who don’t know him cannot wAIT to, he’s just got that aura ya know. People skills for miles, and the insider knowledge that comes with being the son of the CEO, all this hidden behind the personna of the fresh innocent bashful party lad. 

Dr.FEN (the pink guest)

Do not get mistaken by the title, he’s no doc, he will not diagnose you with anything, he just studied long enough to get the sexy title. Study in what? Haha. Nothing shady. Just toxicology. He’s a world reknown poison expert basically, that’s his main thing. Oh but don’t worry, of course studying substances that may kill people is only for finding out how to cure them from it of course. What brings him in this circle? Simple, Belyy may or may not have started to suffer some weird illness that no doctor has been able to find the source, let alone cure, of. Him and Dr.Fen had met previously on some event, cause some rich man also love flexing how smart they are and attending sciencey shit, and he was contacted as sort of a shot in the dark. The lad does know how to treat some things, maybe he can treat The Mysterious Unwellness, since no traditional doctor was able to. He knows science, he’s trustworthy, bam, you’re hired to work on My Case Exclusively. Thanks to this, Dr.Fen has access to the whole health history of Belyy and his family, to many mANY dangerous substances, and also has The Respect of the hoes at the party. He HAS a doctorate after all. Epitome of knowledge. And he’s a kind to people and he wears pink like dang how can you nOT pour your wHOLE trust in him. 

Sir MOREVITCH (the blue guest)

Youngest son of an affluent family, who used to be close the the Belyys. The two families fell slightly appart after the death of the previous head of the family on the Belyy side, as they do nOT vibe with the current one (well current, til the first night of the story ig). But, unbeknownst to all, one strong link had been kept, between the youngest of the Morevitch, who dislikes his family and wishes to emancipate himself from them while also assuring his depart will not throw him basically in the streets, and our beloved Sir Belyy, who also dislikes the Morevitches but loves to see the rebellious energy of the young one (and ya know, my enemy’s enemy’s my friend or however you say that). So Belyy’s basically offering tips and helping Morevitch plant himself safely out of his family’s grasp, but it’s all taking quite some time isn’t it, slow and steady is fine until your parents try to arrange a wedding to secure more political power, and suddenly it is all quite urgent that you escape that situation because No Thank You Parents I Do Not Want A Wife I’m Too Young And Also Huh <3 Stuff You Won’t Like Hearing For Sure <3. The people who know they’re working together also know that it’s a big point of argument between them, the difference in vision between “you have to go slow and steady to be safe” and “I have very limited time to get to that safety anyway so I gotta risk it” “hell no you cant i can’t follow through if we’re going that quick that’ll put me at risk and you’re family’s gonna send gunmen to take me down”. A mess, it’d be much quicker to just obtain a few million bucks out of nowhere and bolt for sure...

Mr.GANG (the orange guest)

Morevitch’s trusted assistant. He hears the concerns, he helps the secret businesses, he lies to the parents about the whereabouts, and mostly, he’s basically a budget spy. The lad got that talent where people just don’t notice him popping behind them and catching all their dirty laundry as they confess it to someone they trust, and he always manages to break into places, get the intel he was looking for, and escape, putting everything back into place as if no one was ever there (wonder where he got all those skills from damn!). But what he’s even better at is being sneaky not only to benefit his boss, but himself as well <3. If he can catch all the info in the world, go any places, nothing’s stopping him from playing double agent and also going behind Morevitch’s back. After all the assistant life isn’t the most glamourous and rewarding, who can blame him from going and using his talents to build his own little exit route, right? Everybody sort of knows he cannot be trusted, but also no one managed to really incriminate or stop him, and as much as he has tea on many people, no has it on him, but bet once found that would be heeeella juicy.

M.MOUTARDE (the yellow guest)(this one is straight up the name of the yellow player in the french edition of clue too when i say its my main vibe)

Moutarde was an influential celebrity. He had a big break acting in a movie that the whole country stanned so hard they basically turned the script into their national anthem (they would have if it was a true democracy where the people really decide), he was so handsome and elegant, everyone’s dream husband. And then the fame fiddled out because it’s how fame is, one moment you’re the sexiest dish on the table and the next someone brings in dessert and baam, its all about that fresh cake, and no one pays any mind to your delightful aroma anymore, you’ve gone cold, they had a bite, their interest is somewhere else. Belyy really admires his work though, and mostly finds his image fits with the brand of his company, therefore the two are working on a collaboration to make Moutarde a representative. This WOULD boost Moutarde’s reputation, for his ads would be displayed on every imaginable surface of the country, and it would also benefit the company cause being represented by thAT sexy motherfucker? clearly that’s a deal. The freshness of the partnership means Moutarde is a newcomer in the guests, a fresh face, with no reputation, no relationships, no unfair biases against him. He’s just the new handsome charismatic lad with a squeaky clean image. Emphasis on “image”. After all, no one really knows anything of his background, right?

Kun.LAWENDER (the purple guest)

Private investigator, very useful to be around at a party it’s almost like it was expected there’d be a body to investigate, he’s a very close associate of Belyy, as there’s nothing more important to business than investigating the rivals and finding dirt on them to make them fall through infamy. He’s not exactly the PI who goes look for justice to be served, he’s just here for cash bro. He’s got intel on everyone, and will only let it out if offered the right thing in return (money, or sometimes other pieces of very secret intel, trade is good). Wouldn’t advise letting him and Gang team up tbh but they probably wouldnt, as Lawender is really more of a lone wolf player, going on his own for himself. The one thing that negates his usefulness as a PI on an accidental crime of scene is that even if he knew the whole truth of the event he would not spit it out unless he benefitted from saying it. He sure is a polarising lad, but at the same time, an untouchable one, he’s too knowledgeable to be taken down. Rather than sneaky, he’s extremely observant, noticing the tiniest details and engraving them in his memory, ready to be linked up to other details to deduct the big picture. He’s the upfront tea gathered basically (as opposed to Gang’s shadow tea gathering if you will, they are similar forces but using opposite methods)(also one of em got a licence n the other does not hAH).

~~~~

Now the secrets, all of em have them. One of em at least got the secret of having KILLED Belyy that’s that. But that’s to be kept for later (for if i ever use this story for more than daydream material gfhjgh) bet you can imagine what some of em may be just out of Knowing what i do, from having seen the characters in other contexts, or just because you’re a genius and reading the character profiles immediatly lit up the bulbs in your head forming the perfect theory, props to you, mad genius.

Honestly my thoughts are just how lit of a game that would be, you get to pick one hoe (maybe sum are locked til u find their secrets for juicy purposes) and you do your invetigation using your character’s perks and disadvantages, and maybe there could even be Multiple scenarios and outcomes, to spice it up, give replay value, i just think it’d be a game id spend hours on. tryin to get the spicy details of everyone’s life. walking around n digging through a rich man’s stuff, witnessing the drAMA of people fighting cause they’re locked in with a murderer and that’s stressful ngl. That or a long ass show @ netflix wanna give me a show maybe? give me hella budget we’re making it animated cause im too cultured for live action. 

whatever i make of it though, i hope i can make this story Flourish, just so that i can lay down all those secret backstories i’ve written. i want the satisfaction of throwing out the craziest secret drama between character n seeing peeps loose their minds, it just is a tasty experience.

also i gotta say, i plug the hell out of Clue for an inspo but when i was building the basics of the story my mind immediatly went “oH MY GOD THE VIBES,, THE BACKSTABBING AND tEAMING UP and all,,, its The Genius, that one tv show where peeps have to do the wildest games that require strategy n they’re in that fancy set that looks like a rich ppl mansion oh god the vibes” so yeah, i rewatched the whole first two seasons cause they’re my faves and that had an impact if only minimal in the aesthetic.

Anyway hope that quick presentation gave you a lil taste of the story, and maybe,,,, got you curious,,, craving to learn more like you never did before (im exaggerating the only real question we all got is just “so who’s fuckin with whom then how many of yall secretly dating” this the real deal)

[randomguywithwords]

As The Dust Settles: Chapter 7 (Dabiten Slowburn)

Recap from Chapter 6: 

“Find out what you can on that girl, Apocrypha.” 

...

“I don’t really owe you anything do I?” Hawks winked. 

“What do you want?” Dabi growled. 

“Nothing for now, but you’ll owe me. That’s all.” 

“Fine.” 

-------

Their meetings of the PLF were shifted to Re-destro’s mansion, a labyrinth of identical corridors, lavish rooms that stank of wealth built upon foundations and corporations that concealed this singular secret of their true loyalties. Said loyalties, once pledged to Destro, then to his son, were now transferred onto Tomura Shigaraki. 

The young man sat at the head of the council table. The table was in a semicircular shape, with the lieutenants taking a seat each. These meetings, a daily routine, were something Dabi didn’t enjoy. 

And with the agenda of this one, he was about to enjoy them far less. 

“I’m pairing you guys up. Each pair will lead a squadron of their own. I don’t care what you guys do to them. Just make sure that when I assign your squad something, it gets done. Got it?” After waiting for a general murmur of assent, Shigaraki passed a sheet of paper to Mr Compress, who stood up to read the pairings. 

“Re-destro and me, Trumpet and Twice, Skeptic and Spinner, Dabi and Apocrypha —“ 

Goddammit. Dabi shot the girl a look, who had been looking at the table the whole time. Even as her name was called, she hadn’t looked up, her eyes frozen to the grey marble. 

“Toga, you’re with me.” Compress looked up from the paper. Toga stuck her tongue out. “Fine.”

“Thanks, Compress.” Shigaraki said. The performer nodded and sat back down. “So, we’re done with everything, yeah? City’s repaired, the media’s finally shut their mouths and stopped annoying us, all that garbage. Good…” 

“Let’s talk destruction.” Shigaraki’s statement was met with silence. Dabi felt the tension in the room spike. He was curious to hear what the leader of the PLF had to say on his ambition.

“Re-destro, I’ve looked at your plans. I gotta say, I’m impressed. I like the idea.”

“Thank you, great leader,” Re-destro replied, smiling widely, perhaps out of a fear that still manifested even as they were technically on the same side. Dabi hid a grin of his own.

“What’s the idea?” Toga asked. “I wanna know.”

Shigaraki picked up a piece of paper on the desk. “Basically, they want to slowly get people on their side, by spreading their message. It’ll be non-violent, at first,” Shigaraki emphasised the last two words, “But once it reaches a lot of people, they’ll start their attacks.”

Licking his lips, he continued, “Attack the major cities with the members, cause chaos, cause destruction. Show them the strength of the average citizen, how even they can overpower heroes. Broadcast this country-wide. Re-destro and his political parties will swoop in and take charge, offering assistance, offering anarchy – within their control. This’ll create a divide between the hero society and the Liberation Front. Slowly, with more attacks and threats, more and more will join our side. Until Japan is ours.”

“Wow.” Toga breathed, grinning. The feeling was mutual with Dabi. He was impressed too. 

“But,” Tomura put the paper down, “I’m not patient enough to wait. I like the idea of getting them to our side via desperation, not genuine belief in the ideals. So here’s my change.”

“Start small, going for the small towns and villages around Deika City. Take over Kyoto first. From there, the rest of Japan. Destroy society and everything within it.”

“That’s great and all,” Dabi interjected, drawing a look from Shigaraki, “But isn’t this a little rushed?” 

“Yeah, I was getting to that,” Shigraki droned with mild annoyance, waving a hand dismissively at Dabi, who retorted with kicking his legs on the table. “We’re going to lay low for a week, scrub whatever’s left of the media off our backs, don’t draw anymore attention. Use that time to get your squads in order. By next Friday, we’re starting.”

Shigaraki spun in his chair. “That’s all I have for you guys. Dismissed.” 

People got up and began to leave, Dabi with them, until he heard Tomura call, “Dabi. Here.”

The fire-user turned back to see Shigaraki pointing at the empty space in front of his chair. He stalked up to the boy. “What is it?”

“I didn’t toss you and Apocrypha together by throwing darts. I need you to get your shit together. This...whatever it is between you two, stop it.”

“No idea what you mean,” Dabi said. 

“I saw you two fight last night from the tower. It wasn’t exactly subtle. So yeah, end this little fight of yours.”

“I am trying to end it. That bitch is insane, constantly blabbering about her precious ‘meta-ability’ and her army. She’s trying to kill me because she thinks Re-destro’s orders are still in effect, so I’m going to kill her first.” 

“You kill her, I kill you.” Dabi froze for a moment under the red glare of Shigaraki’s cold irises, and the threat that came from his mouth. “No one’s going to murder anyone within the League – Liberation Front, whatever. I’m not having my lieutenants start a civil war under my nose, not when we have this much going for us.”

His ears burning, Dabi shook off the instance of trepidation that he felt from Shigaraki, and answered back hotly, “She’s not one to listen to reason. Have you tried talking to her? She’s mental.” 

“I don’t have time to deal with this bullshit. I’ll do something if things get out of hand. Otherwise, you’re solving this on your own. That’s final.”

“Hey.” Dabi took a step forward. “You have a lot of nerve, y’know? You go through some epiphany shit and now you think you’re the next boss. We ain’t chums, but I ain’t your servant either. I have my own things to look out for too.”

“Oh yeah?” Shigaraki got to his feet, meeting Dabi’s stare with equal intensity. “What ‘own things’? Come to think of it, I still don’t know who you are, just your name, quirk, and what you’ve done. To me, you’re the same as any random soldier in the Front, especially Apocrypha.”

“Don’t compare me to her!” Dabi hissed, brandishing a spark of fire. 

“I’m sure as hell going to if it riles you up so much.” Shigaraki knocked aside Dabi’s raised arm with a backhand. “I let you go your own way because I don’t believe in ordering you guys around, but now that I’m leading more than a small group, I’m changing my style. You’re settling things with Apocrypha, got it?”

The two stared at each other with cold fury for a second, before Dabi spat, “Fine.” and spun on his heel to exit the room. 

––––––

Managed to write this out. I’ll see what more I can do with the little time I have. Sorry Kanra and others for making you guys wait so long. This probably isn’t the chapter you guys wanted, but I have to push the plot along instead of stagnating on the relationship between the two MCs.

[onceuponawildflower]

How has your sexuality affected your religiousness? I know when I first starting following you years ago you were very involved in the church. Please feel free to ignore this question if it is uncomfortable/too personal/whatever. I just know many people who are afraid to truly be themselves because of the judgement that typically comes from their church families (among others I’m sure)

no it’s okay i don’t mind answering.

a few years back, back when i was v involved in the church, i also got v involved in nonviolent protesting and political activism (circa the noDAPL movement, Bernie, the big swing into immigration rights we’ve recently seen, the Syrian genocide, and the rise of Trump, etc). the more i got involved in those things, the more i became alienated by the church. i was asked to be part of worship less and less, some people distanced themselves from me. 

it eventually got to a point where i talked to the pastors multiple times, asking them what we were going to be doing to take a stance on human injustices. they told me that, i kid you not, ‘what you’re doing on the left end is as extreme as the far-right wing.’ they told me they wanted to stay centrist and not take a stand. in my last encounter with them they told me that they loved me as a sister, but they wouldn’t ever talk about the issues i was passionate about bc it would ‘go over peoples’ heads’. i left before the service that day and almost immediately after, i was excommunicated. like i lost my entire friend group and church family, i was taken off of worship, my pastor left one inflammatory comment on something i posted on fb and then blocked me. it was a whole to-do which really hurt. but also made me livid. but also i was exhausted, having tried so hard to encourage people to care for others as their religion had always encouraged and kept being met with comfortable apathy…

so while i was kicked out of that church and that was a whole lot to deal with on all facets of my mind, body, and soul, i also see it to be a blessing bc it opened up this whole new world for me, one that i never even gave myself an option to believe previously. i explored all the facets of spirituality and mysticism that i knew very little about other than the christian church saying they were sinful and demonic (purely bc they weren’t protestantism). i also began to explore sexuality beyond the purity garbage force fed to christians. and that’s where it probably started.

once i realized it was okay to dismantle the crippling system imposed upon people, mostly womxn but also men, that told them that sexual purity was of utmost importance but the same system that never provided any sort of guidance through anything sexual, ever, i started to heal my own wounds of trauma and naivety and began to love myself. like my whole self. not just as a physical being but as a spiritual vessel and goddess soul resting in flesh. 

i still have a long way to go and christianity really does fuck you up with ego and self-doubt and guilt and perfectionism, but it can be healed. i started listening to jamie lee finch and reading more about spiritual mysticism. i got into tarot and witchcraft and i know a lot of christians out there are probably rolling their eyes or laughing at me rn when they read this, but there is SO MUCH knowledge and wisdom around us in the natural world, much more than a book written by a bunch of men thousands of years ago. women hold so much power and goodness and wisdom and divinity, but christianity has all but wiped them out and done all it can to invalidate and eradicate the feminine divine. 

that feminine divine however, is what gives me life. it fuels me. it reminds me of my agency. it reminds me of my power. 

while all of this awakening was happening spiritually, so was my sexual awakening. it came in little nudges, like i would see womxn and want to cuddle them or hold them or kiss them or have what i thought was platonic relationships (nonsexual, intellectual, emotional lifelong partnerships). it scared me at first. a lot. i actually remember actively denying it. but also kept asking my queer friends about this sensation. i didn’t want to be pan at first or anything not straight. i actively opposed it bc i couldn’t imagine having to go through that transition with my family or my own self. i have been pretty emotionally exhausted for years now, and i didn’t think i could take that on too. while i was lgbtq+ friendly and an ally, it can be a totally different experience when you realize you’ve been suppressing something deep deep down unconsciously for decades. it’s really hard to explain really, and it’s still relatively new to me so bare with me here, i’m still feeling it out. 

the more i ignored it however, the stronger it came on. at one point i surrendered to it. i couldn’t help but just embrace it bc otherwise i was lying to myself. i allowed myself to be open and honest with myself and that was terrifying, but also very liberating, just getting it out there and allowing my sexuality to exist in the same space as me. i tried to figure out what exactly i was feeling and if i could categorize this to help create some clarity (virgo here). what resonated most with me was pansexuality. it wasn’t like i was attracted to men and women and that was my marker. it was more like i was drawn to someone’s energy before i even considered their sexuality/gender. someone’s emotional presence and aura drew me in and everything else came second. it didn’t matter to me if they were mxn or womxn or something more fluid and in between. i just was there for the energy. 

so i’ve been ‘out’ to my friends for a few months now, but i don’t think i’ll ever tell my parents, at least, i don’t think i will. i just know them and while they love people they love them through that christian lens. i’m very jaded still and forgive me for that, i will definitely need to go to therapy once i get insurance to help move beyond this. they still have a lot of resistance with lgbtq people, and that makes me really sad. i can’t imagine even nodding to the subject bc i know that we’re not going to meet in the middle. both of their kids are really liberal and not christian despite their best efforts, and they have become slightly less conservative since i was young, but now they’re just where that church i was kicked out of was, right in the middle, unbudgingly. 

i suppose it works out for us now, since i am openly pansexual/queer and my partner is a heteronormative male (though not entirely cisgendered and he’s comfortable being whomever he wants to be and i love that about him). from the outside, we look like a heteronormative couple, which is cool and convenient for my family. honestly, since i left christianity, i’ve had a different relationship with my parents, and i miss how close we were. but i know it’s not going to change bc i have 0 desire to return to that religion and they have 0 desire to explore anything outside of it. what relationship we do have now is nice, in its own scope. i just wish i could be real and honest and open and deep with them and that they would go there with me. but that’s okay… i have friends who can meet me there and a supportive and open partner and so this is really the best it can get for me realistically. i am v grateful for the people i have in my life. 

i don’t stay in touch with literally anyone from that church. no one talks to me anymore. they’ve all cut me out and as they know they can’t pull me back in they’ve exited altogether. that’s the christian agenda though, no? it’s all about bringing people in (at its best). just like door to door sales, if they know they don’t have a chance of making that sale, they’ll stop wasting their time and move on. bigger fish to fry. it hurts that i was only a (black) sheep in their flock, but at the same time, i have grown so much since i realized i could think for myself and be okay and not crippled by lack of a deity. i have no desire to return, and if those people couldn’t accept me then, they sure as hell won’t accept me now. but i don’t want that sort of energy in my life. i want authenticity. i want realness. i want vulnerability and openness and unconditional love. if you’re not willing to bring that, then i don’t really want to invest in you. simple as that.

now i’m not saying the way things went down for me are how it should be for anyone else, but i do encourage you and anyone else out there to feel your feelings. don’t be afraid of them. walk into those murky waters, if even with trepidation and wariness, at least move forward. bc otherwise you’re stagnating and stagnant water is dangerous (and smelly). foster a community of those who want to join you in your journey, who love you without any agenda. it is hard and can be incredibly painful but i do believe it’s worth it to live a life true to yourself rather than lie to ourself to appease the comfort zones of others.

that’s all i got. 

[tessatechaitea]

Justice Society of America #6 (1993)

Weak as an asthmatic kitten in light!

Do cats get asthma? I'd hate for somebody to fact check and discover I once said an incorrect thing! My reputation as a staunch teller of ultimate truths is on the line here. Anyway, if it turns out cats can't get asthma, I was speaking euphemistically and you were too dumb to understand that. Dumby. I don't want to call my readers "dumby" but you remember that part about me being a staunch teller of ultimate truths? Well, sorry to reveal something your parents were too cowardly to confide to you. I was too busy contemplating how incredibly fucking cute and sweet a little coughing asthmatic kitten would be pay attention to the cover of JSA #6. But now that I've really looked at it, I'm confused as to why Doctor Mid-Nite is beating up zookeepers. I hesitate to assume the reason is that he's blind because that would probably be ableist. Maybe he was just molested by zookeepers as a young man. An aside: the family member I admire most on Facebook is the one who posts absolutely nothing about anything but every now and then unlocks a badge from Untappd.

Is this an historically accurate Nazi uniform? It looks like she's trying to make the shape of a swastika.

Ugh. I can't believe I just became one of those people who put "an" in front of "historically." It's weird how a little bit of side-boob can make me start thinking, "Were the Nazis really so terrible?" But this is a fictional world where they actually weren't that terrible! They even had a giant war Ferris wheel that would roll around ravaging the world and genociding people. Kind of exactly like a carnival, really. In the real world, Nazis were super bad and they are the villains of every action movie ever set from 1938 to, I'm assuming, 2021. I'm sure we're right around the corner from a Wicked-style Broadway musical from the perspective of Adolf Hitler where the audience learns that he wasn't really the bad guy the earlier protagonists made him out to be. If you don't want that to happen, you'll probably need to go back in time to murder John Gardner before he writes Grendel because I'm pretty sure that's where this whole "let's examine the life and motivations of the bad guy outside of the light of the previous protagonist's propaganda!"

I was thoroughly anti-Nazi when I began reading this comic book but these side-boob arguments are really winning me over.

How are the JSA going to win me back to their side?! They only have one woman on the team and Hawkgirl doesn't ever show any side-boob! I'm afraid America is about to fall and all I can think is, "Hee hee hee. Hee hee hee. Boobies." The Justice Society flies in to spout some patriotic garbage about liberty while The Flash beats up all the Nazis during the first third of the speech. I wonder if The Flash ever gets emotionally exhausted having to bear so much of the load of battling the bad guys. It's a good thing he's not one of those jerks you always wind up working with who never wants to do more work than the next guy so he always works as slowly as possible. But the problem in blue collar work is that most of the people you wind up working with are that guy! So their work output winds up being that of the lowest common denominator. Imagine if The Flash was one of those guys! He'd have to wait for Doctor Mid-Nite to throw a smoke bomb and fist fight a guy for five minutes before The Flash would take out his man in one second (after standing around for four minutes and fifty-nine seconds). The battle goes poorly for the Nazis which I'm elated to see because, you know, proud patriot here and all. Boo Nazis! Boo? Boob! Nazi side-boobs! Go Nazis! As the Nazis nearly defeated, they launch a huge bomb at the White House (which is where this fight is taking place because the Nazis are trying to kill Roosevelt).

"Look! Up in the sky! A noise!"

Yes, you perverts. That's the leg of the side-boob Nazi on the left and if I'd scanned a little bit more, you would have had a nice crotch shot. Sorry to disappoint you, horny nerds. Green Lantern lets the bomb explode on a big green patriotic shield because the Nazi's were too dumb to make the bomb out of two by fours. Wildcat says, "Yay!", as Roosevelt watches through a nearby window. His nurse, Nancy, approaches him slowly from behind. She pulls a Nazi pistol on him, full of Nazi bullets! It looks like the end! But then a bag of sand hits her in the side of the face and she forgets to pull the trigger as she says, "Gast! I'll...ooooh!" Then she dies, I guess? The Nazi story was being told to Jesse Quick by Alan and Jay. It was never reported because the American populace is too weak to hear certain news items. Why when we think about a population as a whole, we attribute all of the worst attributes to them? Cowardly, stupid, irrational. Why don't we think, "I would react fine to that news so I'm assuming everybody else would too." Instead, we simply assume everybody is a bigger and weaker jerk than we are. Weird that I'm as cynical as you can get but I'm somehow not as cynical as the average person? No, no! I'm more cynical! I just use my cynicism for good!

He didn't say that, Jesse. What he might be trying to express though is that coming down hard on criminals when much of the crime is driven by systemic problems resulting in an abundance of poverty for which the government takes no action to mitigate might be a bigger evil than the crime itself. Much of crime is a symptom of a bigger problem that is harder to fix so people ignore it and try to just hide the symptoms by putting them in jail.

Alan just doesn't quite have the words (or the real world experience of the 60s, 70s, and 80s because he was in Valhalla) to express how the constant lowering of taxes on the upper brackets of income have caused the slow destruction of the middle class by allowing CEOs and upper management to keep more of their money instead of reinvesting it into the business because they'd rather improve their business than give away 99% of their income after a certain point to the government. And by allowing them to keep that money, they stopped putting it into the business which meant salaries stagnated, pensions disappeared, and health care was no longer an automatic company benefit. I'm sure that's what he was getting at though. Jay's wife interrupts so we can finally see she exists six issues into the series. Alan's beard, Molly, also arrives. You might be wondering why "Jay's wife" is only "Jay's wife" but you shouldn't ask me that question. Ask the comic book who thinks I'm supposed to remember her name from whenever it was last mentioned, if at all. Maybe Linda? Let's just go with Linda. The Justice Society is on a ship because they're headed to Bahdnesia which doesn't allow plane travel in and out of its country. That's probably because air traffic control would be a nightmare with all the genies flying around. That was a joke but I bet it's the actual reason as well. Oh! It's Joan! Ted mentions it to Al after he gets tangled up in his deck chair while wearing an ice bucket on his head. I think Al might be having some old person cognition problems.

Nothing suspicious about a country run like a well-armed Applebee's.

Doctor Mid-Nite decides to check behind the scenes to see what's going on. The place is run like Disneyland so he enters the employee only backstage section to investigate. He's eventually attacked by some guards (see the cover!) and his story ends mid-fight. Meanwhile, Ted winds up climbing into a boxing ring to stop a fight that he believes is a huge mismatch. He knocks out the big guy even though the big guy doesn't necessarily mean he's the bad guy. Ted is basically interfering in a business transaction or, even worse, a staged event! Which means he climbs in the ring and begins beating up one of the actors. Guards also swarm him and he thinks, "What are these guys doing here?!" As if what he's doing is just fine and dandy. Didn't he hear the announcement about how nobody breaks the rules here? This is why! They get swarmed with violent guards! Justice Society of America #6 Rating: B-. Nothing says "The titular team's best days are behind them!" like a story where the only interesting thing that happens happens in a flashback. The whole cruise and island exploration part of the story was a big snooze. And it only ends in two members battling guards who are only doing their jobs to keep the JSA members from breaking the rules. Poor guards are going to get their asses whooped when they're only doing their job! I'm totally into the whole "I was just following orders" excuse thanks to the unbeatable side-boob argument.

[flying-elliska]

Hi Ellie!! I hope u dont mind this ask ❤Do u have any advice on how to do stuff on your checklist and not get overwhelmed? I can hardly do one thing out of my to do list and then i get severely depressed for not being able to do anything. i dont think i can function like a human being sometimes. anyway youre so cool ellie!!! i admire you loads!!! - help asked from one adhd struggling teen

HI anon ! I’m sorry for not answering sooner i had a beautiful answer ready and then Tumblr just ate it T_T anyway i don’t mind at all i think it’s awesome that you’re asking me ! this is honestly still something I’ve struggled a lot with. here are a few things that helped me (keep in mind i’m not a professional and this is only my personal, limited point of view) :

- ofc the first thing is to get as much help as you can, there are lots of people out there who can help. Generally talk to people around you about your problems ; often they want to help and just don’t know how : i know the tendency to feel ashamed and keep it in but that’s not good. Some people might be a bit ignorant so maybe keep a few ressources on hand you can send to people to educate them if that’s an issue ; and educate yourself so you feel more secure and legitimate in your opinions. 

- one thing that’s helped me lots is to go on #ADHDtwitter and #Neurodiversesquad because a lot of people on there are actual adults who are sharing both their struggles but also tips on how to actually manage the symptoms and have full and happy, if messy, lives. It’s very inspiring. It helped me a lot to feel understood, less alone and gave me a ton of ideas. Some accounts to start with : @ danidonovan - @ blkgrllostkeys @ ADHD_Alien (her comics are so cute) @ dustyexner plus lots of others

- regarding having trouble doing things, this is definitely a Big Damn Problem for adhd folks. the concept of the emotional Wall of Awful really helped me with this, you can find more about it in this Youtube video by the awesome How To ADHD channel (all her videos are so helpful !! have a look!) basically the idea is that we accumulate emotions linked to certain tasks based on unhappy past emotions that make it a lot harder for us to do things and that building it down takes a lot of time and effort but there are ways to work with/around that. learning to process, connect to and be more mindful of our emotions is a huge task, but it’s often a central one. 

- don’t try too hard to be neurotypical aka ‘normal’. find the solutions that work for YOU. If they’re a bit weird ? Whatever. The point is that it works. You will probably end up having weird routines that make no sense to others but it doesn’t matter as long as it helps you. Be creative and don’t be afraid to think outside the box. I’ll give you an example :  one of the reasons i hate going to bed early is because late at night is when i feel the most free of outside obligations and therefore i don’t want to give that up. So instead what i’ve been trying to do from time to time is a ‘clown hour’ where i basically give myself permission to do whatever the fuck i want (within reason lmao) but in an active way ; basically indulge my rebellious inner 8 yr old. Last time I ended up watching martial arts videos on youtube and practicing kickboxing kicks on the Mulan soundtrack and then put on funeral music and improvised my own eulogy by thinking about what i would like people to say about me after my death. Lmao that sounds completely wack when explained to other people but the point is - stuff like that really helped me reconnect to the idea that my time is mine to do with as i please, not just late at night. Anyway my point is : make it fun, make it a game, try things, experiment. Our brains crave novelty and if they don’t have it and feel burdened by shame, pressure and expectations of course they get depressed and stuck. Give your brain the fuel it needs to work. 

- just accept that sometimes you’re going to be a mess. it’s okay. you can be a bit of a mess and also live a fully, happy, joyous life. our society puts so much pressure on us to have this Perfect Instagram Life where everything is polished to unrealistic standards and gives us the idea that your morals are linked to productivity and if you are not constantly striving to be a Model Consumer Pretty Picture you are a Bad Person and a slob/lazy/unworthy/etc and all of that is...toxic garbage of the highest order that everyone should unlearn but especially us. related to that i would be careful with use of social media, tailor it to only give you content that makes you feel good/intellectually engaged/creative because it’s so easy for us to go into bad comparative spirals.

- tied to that be careful of your own perfectionist drives. it’s veeeeery common for adhd people to want to overcompensate their perceived shortcomings by wanting to be perfect. aka you haven’t done anything in weeks and all of a sudden you have this insane to do list where you expect yourself to turn your entire life around in a week. well, not going to happen. i’ve found it so important to limit myself. for instance what i do now is i forbid myself to put more than 5 items on any todo list. once i’ve cleared items i can add more, but not before. it’s a lot less scary that way. also prioritizing is very important so you don’t get bogged down in details.

- try to be mindful of your own energy. a big tendency of adhd people is to overpromise and underdeliver because we are enthusiastic and we want to please people but we are bad at estimating time/energy it will need. learn more about your own boundaries, what things are hard for you to do (for me, it’s socializing in groups) and what gives you energy (for me it’s writing, reading and walking in the woods) and try to balance that. learn to say no, it’s tough but necessary. So that you have enough left for the tasks you need to do. 

- create an environment that is benevolent and helpful for you in which to work/do things and that generates positive emotions. Get yourself a cute notebook. Put on happy music. Don’t forget to feed yourself. Don’t give into the urge of punishing yourself. You deserve happy good things - not overindulgence as escape - but our brains thrive on short term rewards. Bundle the unpleasant tasks with more stimulating stuff (for instance i always listen to podcasts while cleaning/grocery shopping etc). Create pleasant little routines for yourself (for instance one of the first things i try to do in the morning is do a little drawing of my emotions, it makes me happy, then i have tea and i plan my day.). Put on alarms constantly so you don’t lose track of time, but with a cool song. Find yourself cheerleaders who can encourage you in a positive way. Stuff like the pomodoro technique, timing yourself while doing a task, etc, can really help. Or telling yourself you will do a thing for ten minutes and stop when it’s unbearable, etc. Prioritize joy, pride, affection, desire to help, altruism, love, curiosity, interest and passion as motivators, instead of anxiety, guilt and shame. 

- find ways to build self esteem and confidence in your own skills. it’s often a lack of that that can block you from doing what you need to because you might be afraid of screwing it up. what I did for a while, for instance, is to keep a record of the stuff i did everyday and then extrapolated the skills i displayed from that. another thing you can do is make a list of simple skills you want to learn and find ways to do that, like youtube tutorials, etc. especially when it’s practical stuff and quick to learn, it can really feel so good, and make you more familiar with a sensation of success (and if you fail it can be a fun experiment gone wrong, and self discovery, you don’t have to be good at everything.)

- find ways to challenge yourself. depression happens for adhd people when we let ourself stagnate, isolate ourselves because of shame, and get into this idea that we are subhuman and we don’t deserve good things. that is false. you deserve a happy life. and our brains crave novelty. find your passion and indulge in it, find the things that make your brain come alive (as long as they’re healthy ofc). if you’re not sure what that is, just keep trying. you will find it. but resist the temptation to make your life smaller and smaller. you might mess up but that’s okay. it’s human and it will make for interesting stories later. instead of trying too hard to ‘fix’ yourself, focus on developping your positive sides. it will give you energy, self-respect and draw you forwards like a rocketship. we thrive on passion, not reprimand. 

- anyways : i know how tough it can be. depression is really something i struggle with, too. and doing things remains Hard. but my point is, you are not alone, and you are not broken. chances are you too, like most adhd people i know, are a fun, creative, compassionate person with a heart of gold and so much to give. our main enemy is most often the shame that comes with living in a world that is not adapted to us. but the truth is we are just playing the game of life on a much harder setting than a lot of people, and we don’t even have the manual. of course it’s going to create struggle ! so i think the best thing to do for yourself is cultivate a sense of compassion towards yourself, self acceptance, and humor. 

- as a teen you probably have a limited margin of autonomy to make your lifestyle fit your needs but - there is so much potential for it to get better ! as you grow in self knowledge and ability to make your own choices, you will find the right solutions and your life will get so much better. i have heard so many stories like this. since i got diagnosed, too, my life got a lot better. i won’t lie, it’s a lifelong process. but there is so much possible. give yourself time. you are so young, and you are definitely a human being. being human is struggling with being flawed and vulnerable and imperfect. i know the world can be shit sometimes, you probably got some negative messages - especially from your own brain bc depression definitely lies to you ! but don’t let yourself be guided by ignorance and fear. you deserve better. i bet you’re also super cool. the happier you are, the better off the world will be. so invest in yourself. educate yourself, develop your self knowledge, be kind to yourself, and keep making little steps. you’ll get there. <3

[minaminokyoko]

Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker--A Spoilertastic Review

Boy, oh, boy.

Well, it’s over.

And I don’t know how I feel about it.

Let me start as I always do by saying I have no attachment to Star Wars. It’s always just be something to watch for me, nothing more, nothing less. I am ambiguous and apathetic. I admit that the first time I ever perked up was with The Force Awakens, which I still think is on par with the first two original films in terms of being engrossing. I actually liked it more because Rey and Finn connected with me more than I did with Luke as a kid. Then Last Jedi happened and it derailed the places that I had hoped we were going to go. I didn’t dislike Last Jedi, but I certainly didn’t like it either. I appreciate the risks it took, but I felt it didn’t pull them off and that’s why I had zero expectations for this film. It left a lot of people unsure of the future.

And unfortunately, J. J. Abrams pussed out.

There is no other way to say it. He basically listened to the people who complained about The Last Jedi and catered the characters’ development in order to try to please them. Which is shitty as hell.

That being said, this is an enjoyable movie, imo. It’s a satisfying end to the overall Skywalker saga, I think, but not to its original characters. I’ll explain below.

Overall Grade: C+

Spoilers ahead, as always.

Pros:

-The action is great. Just great. Really engrossing, really fun sequences. Everyone pulls their weight, too, unlike the subplots in Last Jedi. It’s also visually stunning. It’s a polished film, much like what we’ve been enjoying about the Mandolorian, how it integrates real sets with effects instead of just that sterile bluescreen nonsense Disney has been doing recently.

-Reuniting Finn, Rey, and Poe was a fucking Godsend. They are so likable together. It was the whole reason I liked The Force Awakens so much. They’re a good group and you really root for them the entire time. I’m glad they let them be in the story together. It’s the way it should be. They have a ton of chemistry and I would like it very much if they are kicking off an original franchise now that they have ended the Skywalker saga. We’ll see.

-Poe in particular is a lot of fun in this film, which is much needed since he was such a headstrong pain in the Last Jedi. Here he’s back to being just charming and salty and likable as hell. I really enjoyed Isaac finding a path for Poe, because at first he was kind of filling the snarky badass role that Han Solo did but he found his own way and I like him a lot for that same reason. He’s convicted but he’s softened up from how he was in Last Jedi and I think it works great.

-Rey being at the center of the story—and don’t worry, we’ll talk about this below, ugh—even though I highly disagree with the direction they took her in, is still great. I like that they still didn’t listen to the whiny gits who hate a woman being a Jedi. I like that Rey is fighting every second to hold onto her own truth and be her own person. Good for you, girlie. I do hope she gets more stories. She’s a good bean.

-The tribute to Carrie Fisher was nothing short of beautiful. I got choked up. Thank you for honoring her. I miss her so much. I only wish she could have seen it herself. She’s such an inspiration.

-Good pacing. Nothing stagnates and there aren’t any subplots that feel extraneous like in Last Jedi. The film is focused on all the right areas.

-Kylo Ren fucking dies like he deserves. See ya later, Darth Fuckboi. But we’ll also discuss that below.

-The Han Solo cameo caught me waaaaaaaaaaay off-guard. Harrison Ford has made no bones about hating Han Solo, which annoys me because I still think Han is his best performance, and yet he still agreed to cameo, so that was pretty neat. Unexpected for sure. But I’m sure Disney waved a very pretty paycheck and he only had about 10 lines, so why not?

-I did like Rey’s adoption of the Skywalker name. Thank you for giving meaning to that strange title choice. It’s very heartwarming to end on that image of Luke and Leia, together again, smiling fondly at this little girl they adopted. She ended a war and now she can be herself. I loved her creating a gold lightsaber too. It’s very fitting and it’s such a great thing to see. As a female fangirl, it makes my heart sing to know that millions of little girls get to grow up with a female Jedi as the lead in the new franchise.

-It was nice to see Lando again! Good for Billy D.

Cons:

I have three big fucking problems with this movie. They don’t break the entire movie, but they damage it so much that now I get why the movie is getting so many mixed reviews. The things this movie does well, it does well, but the things it fucks up? My God, does it fuck them up. Let’s dig in.

-First huge problem: *gets out loud speaker* KYLO FUCKING REN DID NOT DESERVE A FUCKING REDEMPTION ARC. FUCK. THIS. FUCKING. FUCKBOI. HE DOES NOT DESERVE A REDEMPTION ARC BECAUSE HE IS A GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SPACE NAZI AND HIS ACTIONS DO NOT AT ALL WARRANT A KISS FROM REY NOR FORGIVENESS FROM ANYONE. FUCK DARTH FUCKBOI. FUCK ANYONE WHO THINKS HE COULD BE REDEEMED AFTER KILLING HIS FATHER IN COLD BLOOD AND TRYING TO KILL HIS MOTHER AND OH YEAH REMEMBER THE BILLIONS OF DEAD INNOCENT PEOPLE HE KILLED AS A PART OF THE FIRST FUCKING ORDER OH MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST WRITING HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.

Ahem.

This arc did not work in the Last Jedi either and yet here we fucking are. We are in a world that is asking us to forgive a goddamn Space Nazi. It’s so unacceptable. But I shouldn’t be surprised, since this is the same fucking year Hollywood is trying to ask me to feel bad for the goddamn fucking Joker.

Kylo Ren does not and never will deserve a fucking redemption arc. He willfully slaughtered billions of people. Billions. Fuck you for asking me to care about him. Fuck you for that disgusting kiss. He is an abuser and Rey has not shown any romantic interest in him whatsoever up until this point. I can’t fucking believe they pandered to the fucking gross ass Reylo fans. And yes, fight me, I don’t care, Reylo is fucking problematic as hell and that was the most forced bullshit I’ve ever seen in my life. Go to hell.

-Second huge problem: retconning Rey’s backstory made me fucking furious. It was the one fucking thing I didn’t want J. J. to mess with and not only did he mess with it, he went with the most illogical fucking method to make Rey’s lineage “important.” Say what you want about the Last Jedi but the thing that worked best was Rey’s parents being fucking nobodies who sold her off. That was a great story element. It reinforces the very important idea that you are who you choose to be, to quote the immortal words of The Iron Giant. Where you came from does not fucking matter. Your blood does not matter. You are the person that you want to be and that’s how you should live your life, with choices that are important to who you are, not where you came from. They backtracked just to pay lip service to the originals for no reason and because they got too scared to color outside of the lines.

-Third huge problem: Palpatine’s retconned inclusion in the story. There is no way you can convince me that old ass Palpatine crawled on top of a woman and made a baby. It does not fit at all. It’s just stupid, stupid crap and I hate it with my entire soul. I want to slap whoever the hell wrote it. Not only does the Palpatine bullshit make no narrative sense, it’s a straight up retconned bullshit plothole. I defer to the experts, but from what I remember, there was no indication he was still alive in the previous films. It overshadows what was a promising story and it derails so much for her fucking character to have this useless lineage garbage that doesn’t work on any level. There was no reason to crawl back to Palpatine when Last Jedi felt as if it was leading towards Kylo fulling stepping into the Big Bad role and Rey rejecting his stalker, abusive shit to be the Jedi she wanted and needed to be.

-Continuing the “maybe Rey is secretly evil” bullshit from the last movie. I hated this in Last Jedi too. Rey shows absolutely no signs of being evil. Ever. At most, she loses her temper, but that’s it. Normal good people can lose their temper. The movie constantly keeps saying maybe she’s bad but her actions are universally good, kind, brave, and helpful, so why the hell did they pursue this nonsense at all? It’s clear that Rey is virtuous. The First Order has done nothing but oppress her and kill innocent people, so why the hell would she ever entertain the thought of joining them? It’s so pointless. The only time it even made a little sense was when Palpatine said she could save her friends by commanding the Final Order and even then it was a fucking stretch. Christ, I hate it when the writing is forcing something that does not match the character’s actions. Good job with the Force vision, by the way. Every single non-stupid person knew it was going to be a Force vision when we saw it in the trailer, you cliché bastards. They were wasting everyone’s time with this and they should be ashamed of themselves.

-Not going anywhere with Finn telling Rey how he felt. Finn in general was still sort of not as important overall as I want him to be, but we’ll see if that changes if their stories continue past the Skywalker saga. Either way, the attention has constantly been shifted away from Finn and Rey and it’s very frustrating because their friendship is so endearing. Whether you ship it or not, it’s an important relationship and I wish they had spent more time on it instead of having him fret after her constantly. Sigh.

I probably need to keep marinating on this film. There’s a lot to drink in. As I said, I’m not sure how I feel, since the good is really good, but the bad is really bad. It feels like it’s not good enough for a B grade, but it’s better than a C grade, like I need a letter between these two. It could’ve been done so much better, but it also could have been done much worse. I definitely like it better than Last Jedi, but it’s not exactly good either. It’s a trouble film. It’s a fun film. It’s just…a lot of things. I would say that the scale makes it satisfying as a closing statement to the saga, but not for the individual characters. Rey’s derailment due to Darth Fuckboi is a huge disservice, so while I think people are overreacting, I get why they’re angry at the film, especially for the three things I noted. It truly seems to be a film split right down the center in terms of good/bad. That’s all I can say for now.

[flyingthehedge]

Deep House Cleansing Ritual

Spring cleaning is about to begin if it hasn't already. In my house, spring cleaning started on Imbolc and boy am I feeling good about it. There are few things I love more than a clean, organized home. While there are tons of blogs and even an entire Netflix series out there to help you clean and organize your home, no matter what time of year it is, there aren't too many focusing on the witchy side of cleaning.

We all know that you need to routinely cleanse your home and self, especially before and after working with spirits. Its common courtesy to make sure your guests have a "clean" space to visit and its common sense to make sure those guest leave completely when you ask them to. Sometimes you cleanse because things just feel "heavy" or the vibrations in your home are just off. This is usually the type of cleanser I am. When my home begins to feel heavy or I notice I have no energy or motivation, I realize its time to cleanse everything and raise that vibration through the roof! But let's be honest here; when was the last time you completely and thoroughly cleansed your home and I mean deeply cleansed your home? Mine was when I moved into the home a couple of years ago. Yeah, it's been a while, and it has probably been a while for you too.

While routine cleansings are great and work really well, energy sometimes gets trapped under furniture that never moves, behind the fridge, or in a closet you rarely open. It's important to make sure that every so often you get rid of the stagnate energy hiding around your home. This is where this ritual comes in. This Deep House Cleansing Ritual is designed to remove any and all stagnate or negative energy from the home and leave it feeling light and airy. You'll feel the effects immediately.

What You'll Need

Image or representation of a scavenger animal, such as a vulture, coyote, or raccoon

1 white tea light or small white candle in a holder

4 quartz crystals

1 malachite crystal

3 amethyst crystals

3 sprigs of fresh rosemary (or some dried to spread around)

5 fresh sage leaves (or some dried to spread about)

Sage bundle

Bowl of salt water

Salt (and lots of it)

Matches/lighter

Broom

What to Do

Begin by completely cleaning your home from top to bottom, and I mean cleaning. Get underneath furniture, clean out that closet of yours you never open, and vacuum up all the cobwebs in the corner of that guest bedroom you forgot you had. You want to make sure you stir up all the energy in your home. If you don't have time to clean or your home is already pretty clean and well-organized, go ahead and vacuum or sweep to get any debris off the floor. When you are done cleaning the floor, walk around your home clapping, especially in places that you don't visit often, behind doors, in room corners, and under furniture. Between sweeping and clapping, you will have stirred up the energy in your home enough for this ritual to be effective.

Once your house is cleaned or you have finished stirring up the energy in the home, set up an altar in a central place, such as a living room or kitchen table. It will need to be off the floor and large enough for you to display your items and encircle it in salt. Place the image of the scavenger in the center with the candle behind/above the image. Around the image and candle, place your quartz crystals facing outward at each corner. In front of the image (South) place your malachite while filling in the other cardinal directions with amethyst. Place 4 sage leaves next to the quartz at the corners and 2 sprigs of rosemary on the left and right side (East and West). Encircle the entire altar in a ring of salt.

After your altar is set up, invoke the spirit of your scavenger to help clear all negative and stale energy and aid in your ritual to completely cleanse your home. Say,

"Spirit of [animal name] I invoke thee to cleanse the negative and stale energy from my home. I ask for your aid as I perform this cleansing ritual. I empower thee with quartz, amethyst, and malachite, to bring purification, balance, and prosperity to this home. With rosemary and sage, I empower thee with purifying energy and ask that these plants protect my home and those within it. So shall it be."

Light the white candle and say,

"By this candle, I begin this ritual to purify and cleanse my home. When the candle is snuffed out, the ritual is done and no negative energy shall remain."

Next, begin spreadly salt all over your floors. If you have carpet, baking soda should be used instead. It doesn't matter which direction you move, as long as all the floors are covered. Once complete, begin sweeping (or vacuuming) from the Northwest to the Southeast. As you sweep chant,

"With this broom, I sweep away all negativity. Only happiness and positivity remains."

When you are complete, you should have nothing but salt and maybe a small amount of debris. Flush this down the toilet, imaging all the negativity flushing with it. If you vacuumed up baking soda or have too much debris to safely flush, throw the remains in the garbage and remove it from your home.

Next, place the last leaf of sage and sprig of rosemary in your bowl of salt water. Using the rosemary, asperge (sprinkle) the water counterclockwise around your home while chanting,

"By water and earth I cleanse this home. Only love and happiness may enter here."

Next, light your sage bundle and smoke cleanse counterclockwise around your home while chanting,

"By fire and air, I cleanse this home. Only love and happiness may enter here."

When you are finished, spend some time meditating in front of your altar. Feel how light and airy the home now feels. Allow the candle to burn out on its own and thank the animal spirit for aiding in your cleansing ritual. You will likely wish to bathe at the end of this ritual to remove negatively that may have latched on to you.

Why You Did It

Why was this ritual set up the way it was? This is something I decided to do for each of my spells and rituals posted on this blog because I felt a lot of times we find a spell online and go through the motions without really understanding why it was done the way it was.

So why the scavenger altar? First and foremost, scavengers are natural cleaners; they come through and pick up all the "rotten garbage" and dispose of it so the ecosystem can remain healthy. Without scavengers, there would be an increased risk of contracting a potentially deadly pathogen. Because of this, they are strongly associated with cleansing, which is perfect for a cleansing ritual. On my altar, I have a coyote skull as my centerpiece, but a picture, drawing, statue, or plastic toy will do the trick just as well. The white candle above the scavenger image is for cleansing and purification as white and fire are both cleansings in nature. White reflects all light, thus removing all energy from it, while fires often rip through a landscape destroying everything in its wake to allow new beginnings. The candle was also used to activate and close the spell once the altar is set up. The quartz crystals around the scavenger image are for cleansing and purification, as well as to amply the effects of the spell. Amethyst is a balancing crystal while malachite is used to bring prosperity (being green and all), both energies you want to remain in your home when you are done with this ritual. Sage and rosemary are both strongly associated with purification and cleansing, partly due to their strong aromas and their antibacterial tendencies. The entire altar was in the center of a ring of salt, as salt is purifying and cleansing, this association coming from its use in drying and disinfecting wounds and traditional folklore saying ghosts and demons cannot cross a line of salt. We placed this altar at the center of the home or in a room frequently traveled because this area is the heart of your home and where any cleansing journey should begin. The magic and energy in that space are usually already high, and the scavenger spirit can use that energy to boost the power of the ritual.

The salt on the floor was used for the same reason as the salt around the altar. Sweeping with salt is a folkloric tradition said to remove negative energies and purify a place. As you swept or vacuumed, you did so from Northwest to Southeast to banish the negativity from your home. If you used a broom to do this ritual, you increased the spell potency because brooms are closely associated with cleansing and purification because of their cleaning nature. By flushing the salt down the toilet or discarding them outside the home, you made sure that the energies you were banishing were not welcome back. Coming behind the sweeping with the sage and rosemary salt water and sage smoke further cleansed the home by invoking the elements to aid in the cleansing process. As mentioned before, salt, rosemary, and sage are all heavily associated with cleansing and purification. Water is known as the great purifier as it washes everything away, while Air is able to stir up negative energy so it can float out of the home. Walking counterclockwise was done to banish the negative energies from the home.

Looking to break this spell? Unfortunately, this isn't a spell to be broken. Once you have cleansed the negativity from your home, it will not be welcome back. However, if you are looking to get rid of the scavenger spirit, simply thank it and ask it to leave. Feel free to leave an additional offering if you do not feel the herbs were enough.

Remember to record this ritual on your ritual/spell worksheet and have fun cleansing your home this Spring. I hope it brings you as much joy as it brings me!

[queeruma]

Uma’s life on the Isle sucks, a compilation

From Descendants 2:

- (to Mal) “You have your perfect little life, don’t you? Doesn’t she have the perfect little life? And we’re 20 years into a garbage strike.” 

- (to Ben) 

“’This?’ This island is a prison, thanks to your father. And don’t pretend to look out for me. Because no one’s looking out for me. It’s just me.”

“My mom doesn’t care about me either. Well, not unless she needs someone for the night shift.”

“When you brought Mal, Carlos, Evie, and Jay to Auradon... that’s as mad as I’ve ever been in my life. And trust me, I’ve been plenty mad.”     (Ben: “I never thought about it like that before - that I could have hurt the people I didn’t pick.”)

From Mal’s Spell Book II:

- “There’d be no magic for us, no joy. Only bitterness and garbage piles (most of the time the sanitation department is on strike) and the feeling that you’ll never be able to get out of this place, no matter how hard you try.”

From Uma’s Wicked Book:

- (of studying at Serpent Prep) “Cons: 

No one takes school seriously 

Can’t hear over all the yelling    

Hopelessness

Constantly getting sick because the dungeons are so damp

- “Those first days when we could sail the ship out on the water, the wind in my braids... those were the best. It was the closest thing I’ve known to freedom”

- “My whole life, I’ve never had a place to call my own. All those days spent working at Ma’s restaurant, serving up gruel and scrubbing the floors, and I’ve never gotten paid a coin.”

- “Some days the smog on the Isle is so thick it chokes you. I’ll be sitting in the crow’s nest on the Lost Revenge, staring off at the mainland, thinking there must be more than this. Am I really supposed to spend my whole life here, trapped on the Isle of the Lost, ruling these twits?”

- “Because when you’re eating rock-hard bread for the third day in a row, and you haven’t seen the sun in weeks, and you’re walking down the same street for the thousandth time, seeing all the same faces, it can start to feel a little claustrophobic.”

- “Because when you get the chance to leave the Isle of the Lost, most people don’t look back. There’s just no reason to. I guess I still wonder about that day though... what did Mal have that I didn’t? What was so different about her and her friends? I’d worked so hard at Ma’s shop, sweeping floors and serving gruel and never once complaining. Wasn’t that worth something? Why didn’t Ben pick me? Don’t I deserve a better life? The answer is yes. I definitely do... and so do you.”

- “Worst things about being trapped on the Isle: 

Only one TV station

Stale, rotten leftover food

Limited supplies

Smog and cloud cover

Everyone’s in a bad mood all the time

No wi-fi or cell service. Need I say more?”

- (about an advert for a ‘Happiness Prevention Hotline’): “I’ve never had problems with this on the Isle... it’s not a happy place.”

- “Things I wouldn’t miss about the Isle:

Working long hours at the chip shop

Ma yelling at me

Feeling hopeless, like I have no future

Having to make all my clothes by hand

How angry everyone is here

Getting sick from spoiled food

Always having to watch your back”

From Rise of the Isle of the Lost:

- “Uma was special: she was the sea witch’s daughter, a force to be reckoned with! She couldn’t stay here, lost and unloved and unappreciated!

There was nothing she could do, however. The weeks went by, and the dome was impenetrable. There was no way out of the Isle of the Lost. No matter how much she wanted to leave, there was simply no escape.”

- “Uma was glad to have the place to herself. If Ursula were around, she would only be raging and complaining about how she had been saddled with such an ungrateful and useless daughter. Ursula never ceased to remind Uma how often she’d lost to Mal. When she’d learned Mal had been chosen to go to Auradon, Ursula flipped her tentacles. Uma never heard the end of it.”

- “Until she figured out a way to get to that trident, she was stuck on land, with nothing to show for her life but a bucketful of pond scum.”

- “Uma had worked at the Fish and Chips Shoppe her entire life, from when she was so little she could barely see above the counter, until she was old enough to wear an apron, carry a tray, and take an order.”

- “And here was the necklace. Here was hope. A way out of this island prison. A way out of stagnation and broken dreams, endless routine, and a future that went nowhere.”