#i need to be able to unmask around people i can trust because i'm still coming out of a 2 year long burnout

[masezace]

really getting tired of people i thought i could trust turning around and making me feel like shit for autistic traits that i can't help

[dross-the-fish]

Phantom Ramble

I think one of the reasons I'm personally so resistant to viewing Erik and Christine's relationship as a romantic one is due to the fact that for most of the book I don't fully trust Erik as a character and I can't imagine Christine does either. Erik has a pattern of creating himself, whether it's the phantom of the opera, the angel of music, or even "Erik" we never really find out who he is. He says he wants to be loved for himself but he never is himself. He keeps himself hidden out of fear of rejection. Not just on a physical level but on an emotional one as well.

The name he gives Christine "Erik" is a name he came upon "By accident" and I've seen some people mention that in earlier versions of the story, like the original newspaper in which it was serialized, Christine stated that Erik picked that name because it's Scandinavian and he was hoping to use it to get closer to her, which is definitely a thing he would do and if not for the fact that the Daroga also knew him as Erik in Persia I would agree that's the most likely explanation.

I've always felt strongly that Erik cannot be taken at his word. He strikes me as the type to say anything he has to say to get what he wants and he has grown so accustomed to wearing masks that he is unable to take them off. Even when he's physically unmasked he still can't bring himself to reveal who he really is. Perhaps because he doesn't really know anymore, he has become his masks. His deformity made it necessary to hide from the world and every angel, phantom, friend, teacher or father figure he became feels like had to be meticulously created so he could slip on the role and play the part convincingly enough to fool those around him. This includes Christine. I think he was hoping that Christine would be the one who could see past the performances and I don't think she's able to for the majority of the book. Even when she's fascinated by him or feels pity she never comes across as someone who really KNOWS him. That's not her fault he has, intentionally and unintentionally, made himself unknowable.

Even the Daroga doesn't really know Erik, he has more insight than most people but Erik is as much a mystery to him as to anyone else.

Erik's world is the theater and he is a perpetual actor in his own narrative. It's instinct for him to simply become whatever he needs to be to frighten people away or draw them closer and I don't think he knows how to stop doing that anymore. He's so distant from himself that views his real self as dead, the real him is nothing but a corpse.

I think that's also what makes the ending, the final unmasking so poignant to me because that's the moment when Erik, the living person, not the character, is seen for the first time. It's the mask coming off for real at last.

"I tore off my mask so as not to lose one of her tears… and she did not run away!…and she did not die!… She remained alive, weeping over me, weeping with me. We cried together! I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer"

What Christine offers him in this moment isn't what I interpret as romantic love it's acceptance, it's compassion, it's seeing him and understanding him. She gives him this when he least deserves it and I feel like this is what makes Erik's redemption meaningful. That his humanity is acknowledge in his darkest moment by the person he's hurt the most. That he is shown that much grace and kindness and that he lets her go without getting the romantic fulfillment he was trying to coerce from her will always be infinitely more touching to me than seeing them in a successful romantic relationship.

I think I also just get tired of seeing romantic love touted as some be-all-end-all redemptive healing force and the thing that could "fix" this character and give him a happy ending.

Again, not saying people can't or shouldn't write their fluffy comfortable or their dark twisted Eristine fics, by all means, have fun and enjoy what you do, but I feel like there's very little appreciation for the redemptive arc in the book that isn't viewed through a romantic lens.

[toxicanonymity]

is there anything u wont write about?

Great Q, thank you for asking and I'm kinda figuring that out as I go.

I may not respond to all asks or I may be slow to respond but it doesn't mean I don't like your idea. Please think of it as more of a suggestion because I can't do them all - i wish I could 😞 I may not do it and if I do, it could take forever or be soon. There are many factors. But I promise i still took a moment to appreciate the fact that you would ask me. It means a lot. 💕 What I AM into

NO GO LIST for requests ⬇️

(very unlikely to write upon request for various reasons)

Fluff, Emotional hurt/comfort

Slashers in relationships, Michael Myers talking, Michael unmasked, fluffy pre-slash Corey

Threesomes, group sex. They're just too time consuming :(

Animal hurt/death

Long fics / elaborate ideas with lots of plot or details. I have to get in a natural flow and rarely even use an outline of my own lol.

Specific reader qualities (like body type or fem/masc).

Giving a joel a specific fetish or revolving a whole character around a fetish. (adding this bc high volume and I do a small % of them)

Period sex because to me it's no different from regular sex.

Songs, unless I happen to already know it and be into it.

Niche stuff that doesn't strike my fancy or that I don't know much about.

Characters I don't have interest in, ability, etc

Characters (or their actors) that feel too young for me to write. I'm in my 30s (i saw MCR live in 2004).

Pedro himself (includes HCs/speculation) or other contemporary real people. I need to be able to get into a character's head and make it my own.

Pregnancy, babies, children

ABOUT

I wish I could do more of them, y'all have sooo many great asks.

It's not first come first serve. my writing approach is intuitive and i can't force it. I work on requests that fit what i'm in a good headspace to write. I also may prioritize based on ease; how hot it is to me; appeal to the rest of you; whether the fandom is oversaturated with it; whether i've already done something similar

You should read through my library before requesting to make sure you're okay with the type of stuff I post because I could take your request anywhere.

If I have requests that are similar OR that I think would work really well together (like make each other hotter), I might combine them so make sure you follow me in case yours is answered as part of another one.

I love that I get so many asks for my existing versions of chsracers / joelkémons, but if I do it, it's not always going to be the Joel you ask for.

Why I still welcome asks despite having more than I can do

A hot ask can come in at any moment that's such a good fit that I can jump right on it and bang it out. These may be "easy" or especially motivating for me personally. Examples: free use, movie night, Instagram (spawned stepdad!Joel), thighs out (bf's dad), Aches. . we wouldn't have any of those if I did asks first come first serve or had closed my inbox to catch up.

An ask may come in that gives me inspiration on an "old" one, and I can do them together. This happens regularly.

Some of the asks in my inbox are ones where I either haven't gotten inspired or haven't figured out how to do it without making it long w/ significant effort and sacrificing our ongoing stories.

I appreciate y’all being so supportive and trusting me in where to focus my effort. I strive to do ones I think y'all will like & that I can do well.

Did you get my request?

Where's my request?

Why don't you put more detail in everything?

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

could I ask for a genshin impact matchup? (or honkai star rail if that's preferable.)

my pronouns are he/him, i'm gay + trans. i'm an intp last time i took the mbti quiz.

i'm also autistic, sort of...medium to low support needs/i can mostly mask. if it helps, my special interests are my OCs, fantasy worldbuilding, lore and writing, and i'm into jrpgs as well.

i'm pretty small and have black fluffy hair, brown eyes and a pale complexion cuz i never see the sun lol.

i tend to wear sweaters and long hoodies as well as band t-shirts - i don't wear makeup a lot and no jewellery or chains due to sensory issues, but i really like black and purple, and dark eyeshadow, it's just fun haha.

i think i'm fairly intelligent, i tend to be more cautious and talk way less unless i like/think i can trust someone, when i'll act much more erratic and sorta ramble about random pretty things that catch my eye and let myself unmask a bit. i'm very open-minded, as well.

i think i prefer to be more...in control, in a relationship? like i'm unlikely to be submissive. i can sometimes be a handful in that i might switch between being sorta obsessed and disinterested quickly and get mood swings, or isolate myself for a while. i'm a bit childish, too, which can go either way.

i like games, obviously, art and poetry, i really like dogs, and winter for blanket piles and snow and stuff haha. i dislike oranges, weirdly, warm weather, and judgemental people ('cringe culture', i guess). and, whether i can touch someone or not depends on them, like if they're wearing anything i have sensory issues about.

i've sort of talked about my hobbies already? but i also play video games a lot, i'm bad at them even though i love them, plus i draw sometimes, and listen to music (i think my taste would be counted as emo?).

that's all, thank you :) have a really nice day

Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! Sorry it took so long. I hope you like your matchups!

In Genshin Impact, I match you with...

Albedo is the best person to be around if you like snow. He’d love to spend time with you up on Dragonspine. Despite his claims that he likes solitude, he appreciates your company.

Despite him not feeling the cold, he also loves it when you snuggle up together when you visit him. With you next to him and a blanket around both your shoulders, there isn’t much more he could ask for.

I feel like in a modern au, he would enjoy learning about the lore of your worlds. He finds them an interesting insight into your mind and will ask questions that allow you to better develop your worlds.

Good at handling your mood swings. Albedo knows some good tips and tricks that will help you control them better yourself but he’s also reasonably patient when you do have them.

Doesn’t mind you taking the lead in your relationship. He’s pretty inexperienced with things like that so he’s happy to hand you the reigns while he’s learning.

In Honkai Star Rail, I match you with...

Another one who loves snuggling up with you in cold weather. Some of his favourite moments with you are spent curled up with you, sharing a blanket, and reading or playing games.

Speaking of games, this guy is the best gaming buddy you could hope for. He’s really good at not dominating multiplayer games while still contributing.

Caelus, much like Albedo, is happy to let you take charge in your relationship. He’s a pretty laid back person so he’s happy with whatever as long as you’re both safe, happy, and healthy.

Because he’s so laid back, Caelus is easily able to ride the waves of your mood swings. He gets that emotions can be tough sometimes so he’s not going to criticise you or make you feel bad about something you have little control over.

Enjoys listening to you read poetry. If you’re comfortable with it, he would love to fall asleep listening to you read your favourite poems to him. He finds it relaxing.

[luciusspriggss]

i am writing this because i lit dont feel comfortable with talking to anyone with what is going on with me right now, so this is just a vent post to get off my chest

I just wrote like 10 paragraphs detailing the last year with, and ultimate reasons why my ex, Jes, and I broke up two days ago. It was a lot. Nobody needs to hear that shit. Yeah, Jes was awful to me, (unintentionally) gaslit me for a year (it wasn't their fault), neglected me, was mean to me while they were drunk, and overall a shitty selfish person for the past couple months, but I get it. I know why. Doesnt excuse their behavior. I told them what they were doing and who they were becoming so it wouldn't happen again. I just, don't want to deal with that right now.

We have grown since getting together 3 1/2 years ago. Jes is now able to trust people, process their emotions, and be there for people (except for me lol). Jes has finally discovered who they are, what they want, and how they want to continue growing. We still love each other, but neither of us are the people we fell in love with.

I am unmasking and realizing just how much I mask and put other peoples needs above mine. I still want to be a good person and do good. I am realizing though that I keep ending up in relationships (romantic, platonic, whatever) where people get mad at me for things I can't control. I am willing to do things I am uncomfortable with, given I have enough time to mentally prepare. But I also deserve to have someone who wants to do things I want to do too.

I like staying at home. I like doing my own thing. I like to binge watch tv/movies/media, read, create, relax, and have a routine. I also like to occasionally go out to the woods to make sure I can still properly identify trees, go to bookstores, craft stores, go out to fuck off no where and try to identify as many flowers as I can using my Jepson, and if able (which i am not right now) do yardwork. I love cutting logs with an axe and then splitting the wood for firewood/kindling. I love creating/rehabilitating existing trails. I love weed-eating. I love ensuring a property is wildfire safe by making proper buffers and removing ladder fuels. I don't need someone to do all those things with me (I actually kind of prefer to do yard work alone but am open to help), but it would be nice to meet someone who is down to do SOMETHING with me that I enjoy.

I need to figure out what I want and allow myself to do those things without caring what people think of me. The only place I am truly myself is on Tumblr, and that makes me very sad. I mean, I am happy for tumblr. I hate that I chose to focus on a relationship instead of doing something that actually makes me feel better.

I'm so happy now that there is no pressure me to do things that are an actual nightmare for me (like going out to bars all the time). I felt so frustrated because I would TRY. I put so much energy into being able to not have a meltdown, and tried my best to be as social as I could, and it wasn't enough. When I would try to do what I wanted to do in a bar (sit in a corner and people watch or play pool) I would still get told that I make them "uncomfortable" because they know "I don't actually want to be there". I am trying 😭. It was a no-win for me. I stay home and I am "unsocial and not doing the things they want to do". I do go and try to have fun and am told "you dont really want to be here. you arent social enough. i am uncomfortable when I am around you. I don't want to have to worry if you are okay or not when I am not around you". ))))): I don't understand. The worst is when I am told "you were more fun when you would get drunk before". I was EXACTLY the same way, they just couldn't read me before. I was quiet then and I am quiet now (unless a fun interesting conversation comes up I feel I can take part of). They even agreed to let me leave if I started getting over stimulated. If Jes and my roommate were having a party or bbq, I was told that I could go to my room when my battery was out. They told me they were happy I was trying to hang out with them. And then later get mad at me for not being social enough.

Okay this is turning into a rant, I'm sorry. Point is, I want to be with someone who actually is okay with me being the person I am. Stop trying to change me all the time. I need to figure out how to put my foot down and ensure my needs and desires are not neglected (i suppose i sort of did when Jes and I broke up).

I LIKE believing in more fantastical things, having a positive outlook, seeing the good in people, having fun, being the person I actually am. I'm tired of people giving me "reality checks". If I want to learn about werewolves, vampires, and pirates, let me! It's fun! Stop telling me it is all bullshit and there is no point in trying to learn about it 😭. I love the idea that people can find true love with others (any kind of love for any kind of relationship) and people constantly keep telling me there is no point, people are people, "true love" doesnt exist. I think it exists! Stop making me feel bad because we don't see things the same way. I don't care if others view something differently from me! Life is joyous and I want to know how other people think and function. I think it is fascinating. There is nothing wrong with me seeing the world the way I do ):

It is going to be tough mourning the relationship, that was the most healthy relationship I have ever had, but I am excited and hopeful. I get to find out who I truly am now. Unmasked. I am grateful for that. And I am talking to my therapist later today so I get to do some serious processing and reflecting (:

Life is good (I mean it is god awful, i hate myself and i am struggling in almost every aspect of my life). But it IS good. I WILL be okay.

[cant-get-worse-than-this]

Thank!!! You!!!

I struggle so much with actually telling others that I am neurodivergent because every time I have I've been met with "no. I know people with this condition and you are not like them." But the thing is that I am constantly masking!!! Even around people that think I'm as comfortable as it gets with them, there's literally no one I don't mask with. It's always at least a little bit.

Some months ago I was getting interviewed by a psychologist to see if I have any other neurological stuff than gender dysphoria and my dad was with me. I lied on a lot of questions. Not because I was trying to or because I don't want a diagnose because trust me, I do, but because even with my dad am I able to unmask.

Besides, despite me masking, the psychologist said that I show signs of ADHD and that I definitely am neurodivergent, she just doesn't have the material to pinpoint what condition/s I have.

But my father STILL said that he thinks it's nothing I need to further look into because it doesn't impact my life so much. How does he know? I barely talk about how I feel and my experiences because I need to write stuff down beforehand or it's guaranteed I will miss it and if I do everyone is quicker than a mouse to tell me that "It's nothing! You're thinking too much!"

Even though my dad sometimes asks me if something is bothering me, I never feel like I can tell him because if I do I'll also have to explain being neurodivergent and that's a whole conversation. I don't like needing to have a whole conversation rely completely on me explaining myself clearly because no matter how much I try, I always miss something.

fuck it. shout out to "high functioning" neurodivergents

the ones who can mask easily, the ones who can get social cues, the ones who have managed to go most of their life not even knowing they were ND because they didn't present as the stereotypical ND person.

the ones who can pay attention in class, understand social etiquette, who understand societial expectations

the ones who don't feel neurodivergent enough bc they don't struggle in the same ways/areas a lot of NDs do, or they can't relate to other NDs' experiences because they always understood these things easily

the ones with high empathy, the ones who DO get the joke, the ones who are constantly told that they can't possibly be neurodivergent because they don't act like what you'd expect a neurodivergent person to act like.

you are neurodivergent enough. you are valid, and so are your experiences. not struggling as much as others do in some places doesn't mean you dont struggle at all. your condition and diagnosis is valid. your symptoms are valid. YOU ARE VALID. not checking all the supposed boxes doesn't mean you aren't neurodivergent. you are enough. you are valid. you are loved. you are valued. you matter. you belong in neurodivergent spaces, you deserve to use whatever resources are available to you, you are allowed to take up space in these communities. and i am so, so proud of you.

feel free to, and actually, i encourage you to reblog this with your experiences. we belong in this community as much as anyone else. please also tag this w/ any neurodivergent conditions i may have forgotten 💙

since this is getting lots of notes I'd like to add, even if you're undiagnosed or maybe self diagnosed, for whatever reason, (i.e. can't get access to a diagnosis, not being taken seriously, or just not wanting an official diagnosis, etc.) this still applies to you. actually especially to you folks. don't think for a second you're not valid just bc you don't have the paperwork or whatever to say it

[mimisempai]

Missing you comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning

Summary:

After seeing Loki disappear before his eyes and confined to the TVA because of the failed mission, Mobius decides to still believe in Loki and search for him. He witnesses the discussion between Sylvie and Loki on the train

Notes:

My theories on the method used by Mobius to locate Loki is probably very far-fetched and lacks technical truth, but that's not the most important point here, so I hope you'll forgive me for my short cuts. (I miss them together!)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32162878

2008 words - Rating G

"Loki! Wait!"

Loki looked at him for a moment before stepping through the portal.

By the time they got there, it was too late Loki and the portal was gone.

"I knew he would betray us as soon as he could!" said one of the hunters right next to Mobius.

"Shut up!" shouted Mobius at him before returning to the TVA.

As he walked toward Ravonna's office, the same thoughts swirled over and over in his head.

Had Loki betrayed him! What were his plans? But worst of all, was he in danger?

He tried to think rationally.

Loki always said he was one step ahead, but Mobius knew that wasn't true. Loki was improvising. Loki was adapting. So reason told Mobius that this is what he had done.

That's when Mobius decided to do something he'd never done in his life at the TVA, he was going to bet on chaos. On the fact that Loki had chosen to follow the variant not only for his own sake but also because it was his mission.

Because Mobius could not imagine that what they had shared was nothing in the eyes of the god.

"Mobius! In my office!"

Ravonna... he was already imagining her reprimands, "I warned you" "he can't be trusted"...

As soon as he entered her office, she showed him a screen and just said, "Look!"

A scene showing the variant fighting in a hallway with the guards and Loki in the locker room retrieving his daggers then arriving at the place where the guards were eliminated.

Next scene Loki and the variant fighting, Loki trying to convince her to team up, at this point, despite the faith he has in him, Mobius could not determine if this is a way to stop her or get what he wants.

Then Rovenna arrives and the variant uses Loki as a hostage.

Mobius could not prevent a gasp.

Still on the screen, seeing that Rovenna is not persuaded, Loki grabs an object that opens a portal above them and he and the Variant disappear.

Mobius tried not to show his relief, but he saw that Rovenna was not fooled.

"So you still trust him?"

Mobius looked at her defiantly, "As long as I don't have concrete, real proof that he betrayed us, yes I’ll trust him!"

"Always the idealistic dreamer huh?"

Mobius didn't answer, Rovenna continued, "You're grounded here until I tell you otherwise. You can get out."

Once out, Mobius sat in a chair, held his head in his hands, and began to think. He was grounded, but there was nothing to stop him from trying to figure out where Loki was.

He just had to figure out how to locate him.

The difference was that now, thanks to Loki, he knew to look in the apocalypses, what he had to find now was the equivalent of that candy, something out of the ordinary, something anachronistic.

He stood up suddenly, he had found it!

He went to the office, where the screen that displayed all the nexuses was located.

"Casey! Come here!"

The younger man got up and joined him. Mobius spoke more softly, "Will you help me with a secret project?"

Casey, who had great respect for the man, nodded.

"Follow me."

They headed into the archive room. Mobius chose a table a little out of the way.

"You sit here. I'll be right back."

A few minutes later, he returned with a stack of files that he separated into two piles.

"In all these apocalypses, we need to find one where it mentions two Lokis variants and unusual magical acts."

"Got it!"

Mobius didn't know if his smoky theory would work out, but he didn't have much choice.

He couldn't help but think back to a similar scene a few days earlier, when Loki had fallen asleep. He had let his guard down in the presence of Mobius, so that meant something, didn't it?

He started to flip through the files.

"M-Mobius! I think I've got it!"

Casey was showing him a file, Lamentis-1 - 2077, a woman reports that two demons tried to attack her. One even allegedly posed as her deceased husband in order to get information.

Mobius could feel it in his bones. It was Loki and the Variant.

He was going to have to gamble on someone again.

"Casey. I need you to keep this a secret for a while longer. If Ravonna gets wind of this, I'm afraid she'll launch an assault and won't hesitate to eliminate Loki."

Casey nodded without taking time to think, "As long as you need Mobius."

Mobius was surprised that he didn't have to persuade Casey more than that.

After all, he seemed to be the good, loyal employee who never disobeyed.

Casey, seeing his reaction, added with a knowing smile, "You know, I like Loki too. He promised me he'd show me what a fish is and you know? The drink he took from me the other day, he bought me another one and apologized. A villain wouldn't take the time to do something like that right?"

Mobius's throat tightened. Casey was the first person other than himself to acknowledge that there was good in Loki.

"Thanks."

Casey nodded and returned to his desk.

Mobius headed straight for the video archive room. The advantage of being an agent of his rank was that he had unrestricted access to this section of the archives.

He searched through the shelves until he found the videos of Lamentis 1 in 2077.

He sat down in front of one of the small projectors provided for this purpose. He was going to start from the described scene that Casey had shown him.

After entering a few parameters, the screen lit up with Loki being blasted by an old woman.

The noise of the meteors that rained down around

Loki and the one who accompanied him, prevented Mobius from hearing what was being said.He pressed the fast-forward button until Loki and the girl, after some trouble to enter the train, found themselves in a box in the dining car.

He turned up the volume to hear their conversation.

He was amazed at how easily they seemed to converse, despite the jabs on both sides, and couldn't help a twinge of annoyance that he refused to recognize as jealousy.

The variant said to Loki, mockingly, "FYI, that wasn't even a plan."

"Oh, really?"

God how Mobius missed that cheeky attitude. Even when unmasked, Loki still had that irritating confidence.

The variant replied, "Plans have multiple steps. Dressing as a guard and getting on a train is just doing a thing."

She couldn't hold back a yawn.

Loki responded, "Oh, are you a bit tired? Feel free to, you know, get some rest."

One thing Mobius had realized and Casey had confirmed to him just before was that Loki cared more about others than he let on if you paid attention.

The variant grunted and replied, "I can't sleep in a place like this."

"You can't sleep on a train?"

The variant retorted, irritated, "No. I can't sleep around untrustworthy people."

Loki replied, still cheeky, "Oh, right. That's me?"

Fearing he might misinterpret what had been said, Mobius pressed rewind and let the scene play out before him.

The image of Loki nodding in agreement about not being able to sleep near people he couldn't trust was superimposed on the image of Loki sound asleep in his company.

He could not suppress the pang of his heart.

Loki trusted him, Loki considered him trustworthy.

While he was thinking, the video had continued and Loki was now talking about his mother.

Mobius had witnessed Loki's relationship with his mother and his devastation at the news of her death.

Loki's voice had become more hushed, with that hint of fragility he had whenever he spoke of her.

"She was, um... A Queen of Asgard. She was good. Purely decent."

Then the variant and Loki respectively provoked each other about the fact that they were adopted and Loki continued, "You know, when I was young, she'd do these little bits of magic for me. Like turn a flower into a frog or cast fireworks over the water. It all seemed impossible. But she told me that I'd be able to do it too because... Because I could do anything. You wanna see?"

Loki sets off tiny fireworks over his hand.

Mobius could not deny his feelings at that moment.

The sight of magic coming from Loki's hands, pure magic, was enchanting.

Loki continued, "She was the kinda person you'd want to believe in you."

Mobius could not help but whisper, "Loki, I believe in you."

For a few moments he didn't catch the conversation until it was audible again. Apparently they were talking about their love interests.

The variant asked Loki, "How about you? You're a prince. Must've been would-be-princesses or perhaps, another prince." She finished with a wink.

Loki, replied with a serious look, "A bit of both. I suspect the same as you. But, nothing ever..."

The variant finished his sentence, "real."

"Let me find you and I'll prove to you how real it is." Mobius didn't realize he was speaking aloud. He pushed fast-forward again.

The Variant had fallen asleep and Loki looked a little giddy.

Loki waved his hand and was back in his TVA agent costume.

He could wear the illusion of any outfit, and he chose this one. Why stay in these clothes?

Mobius really didn't want to be under any illusions, because how could he imagine that someone like Loki, a prince, a god, would want to claim a belonging to something like the TVA... to someone like Mobius?

Loki had started to dance and sing.

Mobius could not help but laugh. Then his laughter died down as Loki's song became more melancholic,

I stormsvarte fjell, jeg vandrer alene

Over isbreen tar jeg meg frem

I eplehagen står møyen den vene

og synger "når kommer du hjem?"

Men traner danser og fossene stanser

når hun synger, hun synger "kom hjem"

Then seeming to regain his spirits, Loki began to dance and sing happily again as if trying to prevent nostalgia from invading him.

When the music stopped, he joined the Variant and resumed his seat in front of him. Mobius managed to understand what they were saying to each other.

"What did you just sing to look so disturbed?"

Loki looked a little moved and answered him with the voice Mobius knew well, the one he used when he was serious, when he was sincere.

"It's Asgardian, it says:

In storm-black mountains, I wander alone

Over the glacier I make my way

In the apple garden stands the maiden fair and sings,

"When will you come home?"

Loki stopped, apparently moved, and the Variant simply said, "So there's a would-be-princess somewhere..."

Loki chuckled looking so sad before answering her, "I like metaphors you know, it's not a princess it's a prince, and I don't know if he's waiting for me or hoping to see me again, it's not even really my home, but..."

"But you'd like to believe that right?"

Loki nodded.

Mobius, didn't dare to believe that it was him that Loki was talking about, even though he couldn't stop the hope from rising up inside him.

The video continued, much more animated, after a wild fight, both jumped off the moving train and found themselves walking through a kind of desert towards the energy source they apparently needed to reactivate the tempad.

Mobius saw Loki suddenly stop, looking shocked. But Mobius was unable to hear what they were saying, the sound of the meteors again covering their voices.

Suddenly, Loki shouted louder, "But they don't know that!"

And they began to run.

Mobius could see that Loki was repeating something as he ran, an expression that Mobius had never seen on his face. Like he was worried. But he couldn't hear him. He zoomed in closer to try to read Loki's lips and finally succeeded.

Mobius.

_________

The whole serie here : The story of Loki and Mobius

Not beta'd I hope you enjoyed it 🥰

[idealisticrealism]

If Arman is being "unmasked" at the end of ep 2 and rising from ashes this season, wouldn't it make more sense for Thony to be there instead of Nadia? It seems like he is his most authentic self around Thony and she supposedly helps him want to be a better man. Curious to see where S2 goes with these new storylines.

Hi Anon! First off, I absolutely agree with you about Arman being more of his authentic self with Thony and wanting to be better because of her. The impact she has had on him is one of my favourite aspects of the show, as is his impact on her (showing her that she doesn't always have to carry everything alone, that she can be vulnerable and put her trust in someone without it being turned against her, that she matters as a person and not just as a mother or a doctor or any of the other roles she bears, etc etc. Lbr I could go on but that's not the point of this post haha).

Secondly, I'm gonna put the rest under the cut, because lbr we all know by now that being concise is not at all my strong suit lol. (Also I'm gonna tag @vampire-time-lady, as this might address your reply from my recap as well)

So anyway, here goes.

(Warning: while there are no overt spoilers ahead, vague themes/plot arcs for the season will be briefly mentioned. Enter at your own risk).

Okay so I'm just going to put it straight out there: I definitely don't think it makes more sense for Thony to be there at his release instead of Nadia. I mean, would I have loved to see Thony there waiting for him, and then the two of them running right into each other's arms the moment he stepped out of the gate? Of course!! I'm a freakin' Armony fanatic, and I may or may not even have an in-progress fic that might just involve something along those very lines! But while that scene would be a perfectly reasonable thing to occur in the setting of that particular fic, it doesn't make sense for canon. At least, not now; not yet. I have no idea if I'll be able to explain what I mean adequately at all, but I'll try.

I guess for me, the choices that were made for that scene can be broken down into two main aspects: narrative reasons and character reasons. The narrative reasons basically boil down to the fact that the writers are telling a multi-faceted story which needs to develop over the course of a season, and also have room to grow beyond that if they are fortunate enough to be picked up for a S3 (please, TV gods, please give us a S3).

So, the writers not only needed to set up all the stuff that is going to happen this season with Chris and Fi and Thony (and undoubtedly Arman too, because what involves Thony involves Arman, and vice versa lol) as a result of Marco's death-- and it also seems like there could potentially be a developing arc regarding Luca, and his grandfather wanting to take him back to the Philippines-- but the writers also had to highlight Arman and Nadia's relationship, because with the arrival of Robert and his connection to Nadia/his meddling in their gun business, it's clear that he and his agenda are going to play a significant role in the season. So, to put it simply: right now, Armony can't be the focus, because the show isn't there yet. Armony is the destination we're heading toward, and their respective plot lines-- Arman and Nadia/Robert on one hand, and Thony and Chris/Fi on the other-- are how we will get there. Because, like I said, what involves one involves the other, and by finding their way through these challenges together, that's how they'll finally find their way to each other. Season 1 certainly set them on that path, but even with the closeness they've gained already (the trust, the partnership, the physical and emotional intimacy), there are still plenty of barriers in the way before they can actually truly be together.

Which brings us to the character reasons! The basic gist of which is: life doesn't stop happening because two people hold hands across a table! Spouses and obligations don't magically disappear because one person implies to the other that she's staying in the country because of the connection they share! Humans and human relationships are complex and oh boy do these two exemplify that. I mean, consider the context of their situation. Like okay yes, just over a week ago, Thony was brave enough to show a little piece of her heart to Arman and indicate that she had some form of feelings for him (I say 'some form', because honestly there was enough ambiguity there that he couldn't have been 100% sure that she meant romantically), and his response clearly showed that he had feelings of his own (that smile! that eye contact!! aaaahh), and for that one brief shining moment, all the Armony stars aligned and they were finally on the same page.

But almost immediately after that, her son was abducted, and then she was being pulled in two directions between chasing after Luca and getting the money for Arman, her loyalties divided. And then in a single night, Arman was attacked and nearly killed, and Marco died a sudden and tragic death which traumatised her family and still has the power to destroy them if anyone finds out. Now she feels responsible for Marco's life being cut short, for the trauma Chris is going through, for the grief and fear Fi is going through, and for Luca's loss of his father, as well as for Arman nearly dying. Plus there's her own grief-- even if it's clear that she fell out of love with Marco a long time ago and that their marriage was well and truly over before she even came to the US, he was still the father of her child and someone she once cared for a great deal, and though he might have been an asshole, he didn't deserve to die.

So the poor woman has a lot on her plate, and that's not even counting the stress of the cops, or the in-laws, or the funeral arrangements, or balancing two very separate and fairly incompatible aspects of her life, all while trying to get Arman out of jail before she loses him too (deep down she knows how much harder that loss would be to bear). She is spread so thin, and under so much scrutiny, that she wouldn't even have the freedom to go pick him up from the prison even if she felt like she had the right to-- which, naturally, she doesn't. She is all too aware that he is married, and that her own connection to him falls within strict boundaries-- that their interactions, while clearly laced with an emotional and romantic undertone, have always had to be constrained to dealings regarding the business or Luca. Picking him up from his release from prison falls under neither of those categories, and honestly it probably wouldn't even occur to her that it might be her he wants to see there waiting for him rather than Nadia. Because when it comes down to it, she really doesn't know what their relationship means, or will mean; while she likely knows that his feelings for her are genuine, she can't be sure whether they will be enough for him to want to pursue something with her, given that doing so will mean he has to give up his marriage-- bc honestly, how could she truly know if he would be willing to take that gamble on a relationship that may not even work out??

As for Nadia-- honestly, I feel for her. She is still his wife, and his partner in both life and business, and she went to some pretty great lengths to get him free. She cares about him immensely, and it's only right that she's the one to be there at his release; plus it's what all three characters expect, tbh? Even if Arman would prefer to see Thony there waiting for him, he's still happy to see Nadia, and grateful for all that she did for him. He genuinely does love her, and even if that love may have now been surpassed by what he feels for Thony, it's not erased by it. And so if he and Nadia did kiss upon their reunion, it would absolutely make sense? A kiss can mean many different things; it can be romantic, sexual, obligatory, friendly, or familial, just to name a few possibilities-- and tbh it would be perfectly understandable for him to kiss her to show her his gratitude for helping to rescue him from prison, and to reassure her that he is okay after all he went through. It'd be rather a different kiss than the one he would have shared with Thony in that moment, but like I said, the show just isn't there yet with Armony. Which is why I think we should all prepare ourselves for quite a few Arman/Nadia scenes to come, and remind ourselves that each one is just another step on the way to the Armony endgame, because each one will be a reminder for Arman of who he really wants to be with.

And okay anyway I need to stop rambling and go to bed, but thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, and I am so sorry lol

[yellowmagicalgirl]

I Bet You Kiss Your Knuckles (Right Before They Touch My Cheek)

Lady Wifi revealed Ladybug's identity to all of Paris. It's time to pass on the torch.

So I've had this idea brewing in my head ever since I first watched the episode "Lady Wifi" when it first premiered in October 2015. It laid in the back of my head, dormant, until I saw some GIF's on tumblr in which Marinette is in the process of getting akumaitzed and immediately pulling off her earrings.

In the meantime, I watched all of season one but have only watched four episodes of seasons two and three combined, so don't expect this fic to be canon-compliant or entirely in-character.

Title comes from a Halsey song.

Here is my design for Chilocorus and here is my design for Miss Fortune.

AO3

FFN

"How can we trust the girl when we don't know who she really is?" Lady Wifi says. "We have the right to know!"

Lady WiFi tugs at Ladybug's mask. It doesn't come off, but Ladybug whimpers in pain, trying to plead with her best friend's mulberry eyes.

"Why doesn't it come off?" Lady Wifi asks.

"Uh, because it's magic?" Ladybug is relieved, both that her friend is no longer pulling at her face and the fact that her secret is safe. How can Paris trust Ladybug when they didn't know their hero's identity? How could Ladybug trust herself if they knew?

Lady Wifi does not pause for banter when Chat Noir comes in through the dumbwaiter. She freezes him, and turns back to her first prisoner. She does not wait for Ladybug to use her Lucky Charm. Hawk Moth was clear with his intentions to every victim of his akumas; take Ladybug's earrings and Chat Noir's ring. Lady Wifi wants to know Ladybug's identity. Why wait, when she can take the earrings from Ladybug, chained to the wall by pause buttons?

"Alya, please, please don't do this," Ladybug pleads. Lady Wifi smirks; her knuckles rest on Ladybug's cheek bone as she grabs the red-and-black stud with her index and pointer finger.

"Like I said, Alya's not here." She is quick about pulling out the first earring, and immediately moves on to the second one. "Now, let me see who's hiding behind a mask."

Except Alya is here. She may have mulberry eyes and wear a black mask and jumpsuit, but it is Alya who trembles as in a shiver of sparkles Ladybug becomes Marinette once more. It is not anger, but regret that fills her face and causes her to set the earrings on the counter as she backs away. A messy, perhaps unintentional stroke dismisses the pause buttons on Marinette's wrists and Chat Noir's body.

"Save me," Alya pleads, disappearing into orchid pixels.

"Ma, my Lady?" Chat asks. Marinette wonders if he regrets all those questions he asked her on the stairs.

Marinette glances at the video, likely still playing. "One moment," she says. She grabs her earrings and she walks into the freezer. Maybe the tears at the corner of her eyes will freeze.

"It's cold!" Tikki complains the second Marinette puts her earrings on.

"Everyone knows I'm Ladybug now," she said, eyes downcast. "Hawk Moth knows who I am."

"I know," Tikki says. Her voice is solemn. "But you still need to save Alya."

Ladybug walks out of the freezer, rubbing at her arms.

"I jammed the signal," Chat says, pointing to the pan lid hanging over the the video symbol. "But I'm not sure how to get both of us out of here, unless you want to take the dumbwaiter one at a time. Are... are you okay?"

Ladybug shrugs and summons her Lucky Charm. "Stand back," she says, already maneuvering the microwave.

Chat, his usual self-sacrificing self, still tries to shield her with his body. And maybe she is off her game, and maybe she needs it.

The pause button disappears.

"Destroy the WiFi box," Ladybug says. "That way she won't be able to use her powers."

"Are you okay?" Chat asks again, more insistently this time as they run. "I know you and Alya are friends."

Ladybug does not ask how Chat knows about her friendship with Alya. There have been far too many akuma attacks at Collège Françoise Dupont. He could have seen her interacting with Alya at any point that he got to her school before she could transform. It was odd, how often that was. She'd think he is professional because of this, if not for his constant joking and flirting when she is around.

They reach the rooftop, and Lady Wifi is waiting, and based upon the glowing outline so is Hawk Moth. "Give up, Ladybug. I know who you are," Lady Wifi says. Her voice is cold, faraway. The corner of her eye twitches, like she is in pain.

They need to save her.

Ladybug distracts Lady Wifi as Chat unleashes a Cataclysm upon the WiFi box. He then holds down Lady Wifi so that Ladybug can break her phone in two and purify the akuma.

Akuma victims do not remember what they did. Alya immediately asks if the two heroes of Paris would give her a quick interview, like she hadn't already exposed Ladybug. The heroes make their way to a balcony on the opposite side of the building.

Chat holds her wrist as she goes to swing away. "Wait, I want you to know who I am. It's only fair."

"No, Chat," she says. "Your identity is too important; not even I can learn it. It's too dangerous. Distract the paparazzi for me, please?"

Marinette's parents are waiting for her. And why wouldn't they be? Their daughter has been caught risking her life for all of Paris.

"Marinette, we're proud of you," her papa said, "but we're worried."

"You fight all the time against people who want to hurt you," her maman said.

"I know," Marinette said, "but if I don't do this, then everyone else will get hurt."

"But why does it have to be you," her maman said. "You're only fourteen; you should be worrying about boys and school."

"As it is, just how many times have you been late for school or forgotten homework because of an akuma?"

"I mean, isn't Ladybug saving everyone more important than, oh, grammar?"

"But why does Ladybug have to be you?"

When her parents think she is asleep, Marinette asks Tikki this question.

Everyone started clapping when Marinette entered the classroom.

Almost everyone. Alya sat in the back of the room, head buried in her arms.

Marinette does not sit behind Adrien, who looks at her like she is a goddess. He probably had a crush on Ladybug, and now that he knows who Ladybug is he has hopefully transferred his crush to Marinette.

Marinette goes to the back of the room. "Can I sit here?" she asks.

Alya looks up, and she has none of the exuberance she had from when the akuma was purified. She knows what she has done, not because she remembers but because everyone recorded the broadcast where Ladybug was unmasks. Alya now knows the consequences of her goal.

"Sure," she says. "I'll, I'll go if you want."

"No, stay. Last night, it wasn't your fault."

She thinks she sees a black butterfly resting on the window. Waiting. Spying.

There is paparazzi waiting outside the school.

"Ladybug!" one of them shouts. "Can you tell us about your plans to defeat Hawk Moth?"

Marinette freezes. A hand grabs her wrist.

"I am the daughter of the mayor of Paris! Let us through!" Chloe says, dragging Marinette through the parting crowd.

"Thank you," Marinette says. Chloe sniffs.

"I'm not doing this because I li-" Chloe looks down. "Look, this isn't because, this isn't because..."

Marinette has never seen Chloe stammer or blush before. She is doing both.

"This is a thank-you for saving me before!" Chloe insists far too quickly. "Honestly, do you only have a backbone when you're Ladybug?"

The jab feels like a cover-up for something Marinette cannot place, but she appreciates the change in attitude anyways. Out of the corner of her eye, she watches a black-and-purple butterfly fly away. She gets the feeling she won't be able to do her homework.

She gets the feeling that she was the intended target.

Chat holds out his fist for a "Pound It!" when they defeat Chambrecho half an hour later. For someone who sent their attacks back at them, he was a surprisingly easy akuma to defeat.

Ladybug's fistbump is half-hearted. "Chat, can we talk? Privately?"

"Sure," Chat says. They duck away to a secluded area. He didn't use his cataclysm, so he doesn't need to worry about his identity.

"Is this about last night?" he asks.

"I, yeah," she says. "Chat, that black butterfly was meant for me."

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"Yeah. It's been following me all morning. I, Chat, you're a really great partner, but I can't be your partner anymore."

His jaw drops.

"I've already talked to my kwami, and she says a new Ladybug can be found. I... Chat, I don't want to give up my earrings. They, and my kwami, and I guess you too, they've helped me develop my confidence so much. I'm scared I'll go back to the scared little girl I was before I became Ladybug, but only Ladybug can purify an akuma. If I get akumatized, it's over."

"I, I doubt that will happen. Tell you what, I can show you my identity and maybe you won't be so scared anymore. I, you're like, one of the closest people in the world to me, and I don't want to lose you."

"Chat, you don't get it! I'm dangerous, now. I'll try to stay positive, but all I need is one bad day. One bad day, and Hawk Moth will akumatize me, and I will give him my earrings if I still have them. Don't make it easier for me to give him your ring."

She takes a deep breath. "I'm not asking for your permission, I just don't want to leave you without a word because you're important to me, and I wanted to tell you that, you know the Tom & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie?" He nods. "I live there. Feel free to stop by."

She hugs him, and doesn't comment as he starts to cry.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Tikki asks. She had given Marinette instructions on where to go, questioning her every step of the way.

"I... yes." That was a lie, and Marinette hates liars, but the truth was complicated. The truth is that no, she doesn't want to do this, but for the sake of Paris she needs to. Marinette pulls out the box her earrings first came in.

"Okay," Tikki says, and she phases through the wall of a... massage parlor? A few minutes later, she comes back. "Okay, we're ready. Marinette, you've been the best Ladybug I've had."

Marinette sniffles. "Thank you, Tikki. I'm going to miss you."

She takes out her earrings and places them in the box. She places the box in front of the door, and she walks away. She pulls her hair out of her pigtails.

"You don't have to worry about me being Ladybug anymore," she says to her parents before she goes to her room.

Only then does she allow herself to weep.

 Alya texts her the day after Marinette gives up her earrings.

Hey, can I come over?

They don't have school that day.

Of course, is Marinette's response.

"Hey," Alya says, and she is quiet. She has been this way ever since yesterday. "So, um, I'm thinking about taking down the LadyBlog."

"Why?" Marinette asks.

"I... revealing your identity wasn't the right choice, was it? And, like, in all the superhero comics and stuff, the identity reveal makes things worse for the hero, and I wasn't thinking about how it'd affect Ladybug, well, you, I was just thinking of how it could make me a good reporter and -"

Marinette tucks her hair behind her ears. Alya gasps.

"I mean, you're right. The identity reveal makes it harder for the hero, but anyone could wear the earrings."

"Who's the new... I shouldn't ask that, should I?"

Marinette shakes her head. "No, you shouldn't. However, I don't know who the new Ladybug is, but for what it's worth, I hope it's you. I mean, I tried to give you the earrings once already."

 It's been two days since Marinette gave up her earrings, and one of the girls from Ms. Mendeliev's class has been akumatized. She wears armor the color of cast iron with spinning blades for hands and a gold visor.

"So, what's your name? Edwardia SawHands?" Chat asks. He catches Marinette's eye, and taps a finger to his human earlobe.

"It's DarkSaw!" the akuma screeches. Marinette shakes her head at Chat.

"Hey, aren't you going to do something?" Kim asks.

"If you need help getting to the bathroom so you can change into your costume I can help," Chloe says as she inspects her nails.

Marinette looks to Alya. Alya gives her a sad smile and tucks a stray lock of hair over her ear. There is no earring.

DarkSaw lunges for Chat. The yo-yo that knocks away her hand is a darker red than usual.

Marinette looks up and pulls her hair into a single ponytail, revealing her ears. "I'm not the one who's going to save you."

A girl jumps from the second story balcony. She has long black hair pulled into a low ponytail with bangs that fall over her left eye. The ends are dyed a darker red than her right eye. She wears a wine-colored sleeveless high-collared dress with boots, arm warmers, and fingerless gloves. Under the dress is a sheer spotted dark red skirt, and under that is a polka-dotted mesh leotard that covers everything not covered by the rest of her outfit. Her mask has a large black spot over her eye. The girl looks at Marinette, as if looking for approval. Marinette smiles at her. The girl's burgundy lips curl into a shy smile. Marinette turns to her classmates.

"She is."

"Three, two, one, action!" Alya calls from behind the camera after school. They had been planning this ever since Marinette had told Alya that she hoped that she would be the next one to get the earrings. They had two separate versions, and if Alya had been the next bug then this would have been the last LadyBlog entry, so that no one would question why Alya was no longer posting. It would have been one where Alya apologized to Paris and to Ladybug, and would have proclaimed that she didn't want to continue out of guilt.

In this way, Marinette is thankful that Alya did not receive the earrings.

"Hello, Paris!" Marinette says, trying to be as cheerful and confident as possible. "If you watched the broadcast from a couple nights ago, you know that I'm Ladybug. Or, rather, I was. Because my identity was compromised, I gave up my earrings. There's now a new hero wearing them; her name is Chilocorus and she debuted today at Collège Françoise Dupont."

Marinette gets the feeling that Alya would cut the video so that there would be video footage of the new hero between Marinette's speech.

"Alya will be repurposing the LadyBlog to focus on helping the citizens of Paris instead of trying to unmask its heroes. It's still under development, but she's going to set up an akuma tracker.

"And if you're watching this, Hawk Moth?" Marinette let her face settle into a glare. "Fine. You won the battle against me. But in the end, it'll be Chat Noir and Chilocorus standing victorious over you. And I can't wait for you to beg for their mercy."

That night, someone knocks on her trap door.

"Fancy seeing you here, Chat," she says. "Now, what would my parents say about you showing up on my rooftop in the middle of the night?"

He gives her a bright red rose. "That I'm being a purrfect gentlecat."

She laughs and takes it. "Well then, if you mind your manners I'm sure you can stay and talk, but I've got school tomorrow kitty so it can't be too long."

"What do you think of Chilocorus?"

"She's definitely fancier than me," Marinette says. "Or at least, she's more of an eager romantic about the idea of being a superhero. I can't say I was too big on the idea, because I could've definitely come up with better costume ideas than that spotted leotard I wore."

"She's a novice," Chat complains.

"So was I."

"I know, but couldn't you have kept your earrings?"

"It's for the best, Chat. Just because you have a new partner doesn't mean we can't stop being friends."

He sighs. "Hey, what smells so good?"

"The cookies downstairs."

"Could I have one?"

Adrien, Rose, and Juleka are nowhere to be found when they are supposed to take the school photo.

Juleka said she panicked.

Rose said she got the feeling that Juleka's anxiety was acting up and had tried to find her friend.

Adrien had managed gotten his foot stuck in a trashcan, somehow, and he hadn't thought to ask anyone for help.

In unrelated news, the Akuma Tracker said that La France pittoresque had been terrorized by an akuma known as Red Herring at the same time as the school photos.

Marinette doesn't allow herself to think about the possibilities.

Marinette fails her math quiz. She balls it up, and a black butterfly lands on it.

"Hello, former Ladybug," Hawk Moth says, voice smug.

"Oh, shut up," Marinette says. She throws out her math quiz.

Twenty minutes later, there is an akuma attack. Marinette's parents are thankful that she's home.

There is a knock on her roof.

Marinette grumbles and places her textbook down. She has a test tomorrow. A big one. She can't afford a bad grade on it, not after her math quiz. "Just a minute, you mangy-"

A red eye peeks out under black-and-red bangs.

"Oh," Marinette says. She blinks once, twice, to make sure she's really seeing her successor. She mentally stomps all over the hope that her, no the earrings are being given back. Marinette has made her choice and she must live with it. "Hi, Chilocorus. Something wrong?"

"Can I ask you for some advice?" she asks.

"Sure. Is Chat still being cold to you? I can tell him to quit it... again, if I need to."

"No, it's... Chat Noir has warmed up to me, mostly. I don't think he's ever going to like me as much as you, nor in the same way, but I'm more than okay with that. Just... how did you handle it all? I don't know what I'm doing with the Lucky Charm half the time, and I don't know how to balance being a superhero with my regular life."

"Yeah, that takes some getting used to. One moment." Marinette runs downstairs, and grabs some of the cookies that she is allowed to take from the bakery. "Give these to Tikki for me? Now, something that helps with balancing things is doing homework while on a stake-out."

Everyone expects more of Marinette. She was able to barely handle the stacked responsibilities when she led a double life. Surely more responsibilities can be handled because she is no longer Ladybug.

It's very frustrating, and one day she raises her voice at her parents before slamming the door as she stomped off to her room.

"I'll make you a deal," Hawk Moth says after a black butterfly lands on Marinette's pencil. "After I use them to get what I need, you can have your earrings back."

"And what do you need?" Marinette asks. Hopefully she will remember enough to pass it on to Chat or Chilocorus.

"First, I need you to get me Chilocorus and Chat Noir's Miraculous."

This isn't one of her good pencils, so Marinette snaps it. The black butterfly flies away to akumatize someone else.

Marinette thinks things are going well. Chloe is being oddly nice, to everyone, but especially to Marinette. She can hold full conversations with Adrien. She, Alya, Chilocorus, and Chat Noir are able to coordinate plans.

Marinette misses Tikki, though. She misses the feelings of freedom and confidence that being Ladybug gave her. Without being a hero, it's a bit harder to keep up her cheerful demeanor and inspiring attitude.

Marinette sees the black butterfly, and she is so very tired. Thankfully, she has the Ladyblog open, and in a final moment of clarity she types two words.

The butterfly lands on her right hair tie.

"Don't even give me the speech," Marinette says as a pink glowing mask forms in front of her face. "I don't care anymore."

The first herald of Miss Fortune was not the small black, white, and red beetles descending upon Paris like a swarm of locusts. It wasn't even the girl in a black-and-white spotted suit, with a single red ribbon in her hair.

It was two words from one Marinette Dupain-Cheng, former Ladybug, on comments of the Akuma Tracker portion of the Ladyblog.

SAVE ME

[xxxcastielx]

It's so very terrible this is the experience so many have to walk away with. What horrible memories!

In the off chance someone is struggling and happens to read this and regress further into their depression, masking, and isolation, I wanted to share my own experience with unmasking and how it affected my life. Do not assume this is your inherent outcome like I did, because it isn't. Also protect yourself, if what they said makes more sense to you, then it makes more sense to you.

Anyways, I was nonverbal growing up and still have moments where I cannot speak. Part of that is just how our lives work, the way I learned speech was different and some people cannot and all of that is fine! Other forms of communication exist and the people you need in your life will be willing to work with you as you grow and meet more people (and you will, one day, trust me I understand that can be hard to envision, but there are so many years ahead of you and everything could change in just a moment. You just need time to get to that moment)

So much of the despair I thought was an unchangeable fact of my life was informed both from past experiences and the perceptions I formed about myself and my future based on that. I sure did think it was my reality, but it just wasn't, happiness was possible and here I am. But I only got here THROUGH unmasking.

And this is not the kind of thing that takes months, but years and truthfully it could take a decade or more to FULLY get there. Change is often gradual and slower than you'd imagine. I started making myself unmask at ~16 after a particularly bad mental break from FORCING myself to adhere to neurotypical standards for years. That's also what worries me about someone genuinely taking this advice; masking actively made me crave release and at that point in time, the only way I could think of getting that release was through death. Because my brain was too damn fried from the stress and depression to be able to branch into other, less obvious paths. The true answer was release was unmasking.

And it started slow. The first three years, I was still constantly and consistently in a state of suicidal dissociation. I do mean constant, every second of every day for years, perhaps some reading this can relate. I didn't stop dissociating constantly till I was ~19 (though it still happens, but it is more so when I'm stressed than a constant I live with). I would have anxiety attacks any time I was in public. Depression made it impossible to complete day-to-day tasks. At around ~21 I was finally comfortable enough with myself I could get my vocal chords to produce speech in most settings, because I was no longer constantly on the brink of meltdown. And I was so very positive that I, because I was so "SeLf AwArE", was correct in my idea that this would always be my life. I had spent so long listening to others imply or state my worthlessness and incompetence that I bought it, like so many of us on the spectrum. You have been fed this idea, it is inspired by your past experiences, and it is wrong.

Also, importantly, I found that through unmasking I enhanced relationships, not ruined them. Because when I was trying so very hard to be "normal" it was very hard for me to piece together sentences. Because it wasn't a natural, free flow of words, in fact, my head would feel entirely empty when I tried and then the anxiety attack would start. And then I'd start sweating and my voice would waver and it would keep snow balling, till everyone around me was picking up on it, making my anxiety even worse. Maybe not at first, when I was only "weird" and my voice was still shaky. I experienced what this person described, people really did treat me worse those first few years as I found my footing. One suicide attempt because of what I heard others saying about me, then me spiralling and telling myself this would ALWAYS be my reality, it always had, so why would it change? God I was wrong, everything is different now. Every fucking thing.

I kept breaking it down over the years, and now, fully comfortable in who I am and much more aware of what I've lived through and the world that shaped me and the others around me, I can say the exact opposite. People like me, a lot. Turns out that neurotypicals perceive "weird" as "unique" when you're a more comfortable person. Words flow more smoothly and you'll find yourself developing your own way of talking, one that is more intricate. You know you have interesting observations, you're just afraid of what might happen if you say them wrong, but as you unmask, every single thing becomes so much easier. Not just social stuff, like life becomes easier to manage, stress is easier to handle, meltdowns are way less scary and world-shattering. Even if you as an individual don't find yourself speaking differently, in my unmasking journey, I also found that it turns out you really don't care what others think of you when depression is no longer clouding each of your thoughts. Like, one day, I kind of just stopped caring. Because I was finally well enough I just focused on other things without thinking about it, I wasn't even aware at first. It was like, wow, it's been a while since I've been self conscious.

One last thing to add. As a child, up until about 7 or 8, I was so carefree, witty, and bubbly. Natural; it was before anybody ever told me I was lesser, so I had no reason to believe I should be any other way. In my preteen and teen years, I lost myself. Colors went dark as depression changed the literal way I SAW the world, dissociation kicked in, and I was incredibly on edge. And dead, I felt dead, like I was going through the motions and not really feeling or remembering anything. Lately though, I feel finally found myself. This, the person I am now, is who I would have become had that child version of myself never changed. And that's why I'm so incredibly happy, I am finally me again. So few ever find their true selves once they lose them. So few neurodivergent folks especially, how many of us end up a statistic? How many of us end up a statistic BECAUSE we feel so dead when we force ourselves to live by others expectations?

Please consider unmasking.

PSA For Neurodivergents

Don’t unmask. It’s not worth it. It destroys every kind of relationship you can form. If you think you’re safe, you’re not. Once they see you without your masking, they’ll never see you as they did before. You’re not the same to them anymore. Those who say they accept you will use it against you later. Everyone runs out of patience eventually. Normally, I would say to wear your weirdness with pride, but the world is cruel and people are intolerant. Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t unmask to neurotypicals.

[gracie-p8-officialblog]

Defending Christine Daae

I never thought I'd have to write a post with that title, let me tell you.

Because when I first heard of Phantom of the Opera, I was under the impression that everybody loved Christine just as much as I did. I mean, how could you help it? Well, I was wrong. It would seem that there are, in fact, people out there who don't share my exact opinion (shock of shocks) and who dislike Christine for various stupid reasons.

Now, I'm not here to point fingers at anyone or to belittle anyone's opinions in anyway, and blah-de-blah [fill in the rest of long boring disclaimer any way you wish]. But I AM here to defend one of my favourite female protagonists in a work of fiction! And defend her I WILL! IN THE NAME OF THE MOON!

Um, pardon me. Don't know how that last sentence got in there.

Now, on the internet, I've heard some flak about Christine, and though I'm not here to make anyone feel bad (see above) I do want to refute those points about her, point-by-point. (Hmm. Redundancy.) One of the biggest points against Christine is her choice to be with Raoul instead of the Phantom, who *ahem* TOTALLY needed her because he had a bad life and he taught her to sing! My opinion?

I don't think that means Christine owes him love. Appreciation and thanks, yes. But not love. The only thing he ever did that was worth any kind of love was letting Christine go. And she isn't some sort of consolation prize! It's NOT her job to fix the Phantom, only he could fix himself!

C'mon people! The two pretty much fit the qualities of an abusive relationship (emotional manipulation, throwing her around, restricting her from seeing other people etc.) And it’s kinda disturbing. “BUT!” You cry, “CHRISTINE REJECTED THE PHANTOM FOR A SHALLOW REASON! HE WAS UGLY!”

While I do understand what you’re coming from, I would like to inform you that it was actually his toxic behaviour towards her and murderous qualities that drove her away from him and made her choose Raoul. In “Final Lair”, she said one of the biggest burns in Gothic thriller history “It’s in your SOUL where the TRUE distortion lies...”  The Phantom's problem isn't with his disfigurement. No, the problem is with what he's allowed his disfigurement to make him. He's become so obsessed with the idea that no one loves him and no one will ever really care for him that he believes anyone who stands remotely in his way is just out to get him. So what does he do? He murders people whom he gets annoyed with. First Buquet, then Piangi, and finally (almost) Raoul. And that is DEFINITELY not okay! 

I think Christine saw him as more of a teacher, or a friend, or a... father figure, in a messed up way... which is more evident in the book on how she is both afraid and sympathetic for the Phantom. 

While not condoning his actions,  I do wish the Phantom could have found someone to love him. Good gracious, his final lines “IT’S OVER NOW THE MUSIC OF THE NIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” makes me tear up every time.  Gah. I'm in danger of sobbing, too, but I really want to get this post done, so I will conquer myself and think of something Funny instead. *thinks* I know! Gerard Butler’s version of the “All I Ask Of You (Reprise)”. That’ll cheer me up and make me laugh XD!

In all seriousness, I know that Erik is unstable and violent. But I also know that he really IS a gentle, misunderstood soul. You can be both, you know. The unstable and violent side of him, unfortunately, triumphed- and his dreams, his desires for love, his castle on a cloud came tumbling down because of it.

And so... onto the next point, another common argument used to bash Christine is that she’s considered to be flat, boring and goes through ZERO development! But in actual fact, there’s so much going on in her head and goes through quite an emotional travesty that it’s almost impossible to call her bland!

She is deeply wounded by the loss of her father, and has this incredible musical talent which stayed in a state of diamond in the rough before being discovered by her “Angel of Music”. He trains her, not realizing that she is becoming the center of an unhealthy obsession, genuinely believing in her naivety that he is some benevolent spirit sent by her father, therefore bringing her a sense of comfort. She is a pious girl, after all, and being religious myself, well, such a reaction from someone who believes like her is believable though naive. Can we blame Christine for that? NO. How is she supposed to guess?

And now, let's talk about "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again", aka. The Christine Empowerment™ song! I feel like the difference between a good portrayal of Christine and a great portrayal of Christine, is based on how good their rendition of this song is. It is a crucial part of the plot. One of the reason The Phantom and Raoul appeal to Christine is because of the connection they represent to her dead father. Of course, Raoul actually knew her father and the Phantom uses his memory to manipulate her. At this point in the show, Christine has become disillusioned with Raoul and is afraid of the Phantom. She realizes through the song that the only way she can’t move forward is through letting go of the past, and getting over the death of her father. This fuels her actions through the rest of the show as it makes her realize that if she wants her happy ending, she must take charge of her destiny and earn her own agency! And the Phantom, trying to use her in the moment where she was probably at her most vulnerable since she is questioning herself about her entire life, only catalyses her decision. She performs in Don Juan Triumphant, because she knows that everything is up to her, and that she cannot let the Phantom keep on destroying her life.

As for her unmasking the Phantom in "Point of No Return", Christine did this in a way to show him that she refused to be controlled by him any longer. It is certainly not the most intelligent thing to do, nor the nicest, but again, her behaviour is explainable. But as said above for Erik, it doesn’t excuse her. And it shows how she was beginning to be able to resist his pull/spell/enchantment/whatever you like to call it on her!

I adore and admire Christine Daae as a character so much, and it was her actions and story arc that really started my love for this story. Christine's ability to love unconditionally and selflessly is so profound. Even though the Phantom put her and everyone else through lots of horrors, she still doesn't hesitate to show kindness towards him but makes sure that her abuser NEVER hurts anyone EVER again. She loves Raoul so much that she's pretty much willing to sacrifice her freedom and happiness so Raoul could be free. No matter what circumstances she is given, she will still put the ones she loves before herself no matter what, even if it means giving up a chance to save herself. I know most of us won’t ever be put in such an extreme scenario but Christine is such an inspiration of how to love others and believe in them despite flaws and bad sides. She inspires me to see the good in people. It’s so easy to be cynical and hardened in this world, and I think that Phantom of the Opera reminds us to have kindness and light in our hearts, even in challenging circumstances.

I would also like to add another moment of character. Think what it must have taken to prepare for the female lead role in a 3-act opera. Christine wasn’t even an understudy. In a matter of minutes, she went from member of the ballet corps to the lead role, and she had to rehearse and remember new music, character, blocking, and vocals. Not only did she prepare in time, she performed so well that she became a hit. This reveals, not only the skill and beauty of her voice, but also her concentration, diligence, and acting capability. Everyone hails the Phantom as the ultimate musical genius—and he is—but they overlook the implied extent of Christine’s skill.

She went through the loss of both parents, manipulation, being stalked, and knowing that the person she loves most has his life on the line - because of her. And then she literally gets off of her knees and shows her abuser the first form of kindness he has ever known. Not even the Phantom was strong enough for that; he gave up on the world far too early. Christine is the embodiment of courage and kindness; she teaches us to love and forgive those who have been awful to us, and to protect those we love even if it means our own suffering. But she no longer succumbs to the Phantom and makes sure her abuser never hurts anyone EVER again. Seriously, this girl is AWESOME! And this was in the 18th century! It's really sad that such a great character is overlooked by many...

It seems that Leroux really understood women... That we can be emotional, we are vulnerable but not weak... And emotion really helps us when we keep them in control!

Christine, in a nutshell, is a kind, observant, compassionate, trusting young woman–a too trusting at first–but with a spine of steel and determination once she’s drawn the line. She loves people deeply, but she picks up quickly on the realities of the situation. She has the strongest character arc in the story and makes the choices to grow and to move on. Yet she remains gentle and compassionate, uses her love to bless and not manipulate. She’s a layered character who grows. And there’s so much more to her than meets the eye.