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accidentally-in-fictional-love · 6 months ago

Text

Breaking The Code - Joshua Whitmore/Reader

Warnings: Gender-neutral reader, no use of Y/N, strangers to friends to lovers, slow burn, angst, hurt/comfort, brief canon-related mentions of self-harm and suicide, happy ending.

Wordcount: 9152

Summary: You see him as he's being admitted to the hospital a few streets away from your home, and it would be so easy to just keep walking, but something about his sad eyes and mysterious identity draws you in until you need to see him again.

Notes: So the other night I was talking with Salem about Joshua as they watched Cass for the first time, and we decided that our truth was that he needs a happy ending ;w; so I wrote this instead of sleeping~ Turns out you can hit a pretty bad burnout after writing nearly every day for a month straight, so I wrote this one for myself and Salem to try and get some of my inspo back 😌 It was pretty cathartic, writing him was a lot of fun and helped me get some of my own personal feelings out, so even though the love for him might be smaller than his other roles, I hope those who read this like it 💗

When you first see him, you’re walking home for the day. Your familiar path always takes you past the hospital, it’s the fastest way and you’re in no mood to dawdle after the stress of work making you call it early. Just as you’re about to pass, an ambulance pulls up, siren blaring and making you jump out of your headphones the closer it gets. You turn to watch in morbid curiosity, a little dose of schadenfreude to lift your spirits before the guilt takes you, but everything changes when you see him.

He’s awake on his stretcher as they take him out, his eyes on the sky and looking empty as the EMTs call in for emergency surgery on his ear and a decent amount of blood loss, as well as malnutrition. Your glimpse is brief, they want him inside as fast as possible, but you still notice the way he holds onto an old hardcover book resting against his stomach before he’s out of sight. You follow before you can stop yourself, listening for a name and catching only ‘Whitmore,’ and to keep out cameras if the news comes for him.

A high profile person you’d never heard of, perhaps? You can’t recall any Whitmores in your small celebrity roster, especially not a local one who looked like that. You can’t think about it too long as you get noticed and shooed away, and you do as they say as he’s rolled towards the nearest elevator so he can be prepped for his surgery.

You don’t hear about him until a few days later as you eat your lunch in the breakroom, catching just a glimpse of his face and last name before the channel is changed to something more interesting moments after you notice him. It wasn’t long enough to get any new information, but it is enough to spark your interest again with the confirmation that he was indeed some secret celebrity you hadn’t heard about. You don’t ask for the channel to be changed back, but you do make a mental note to take your shortcut again after work is over.

You figure he mustn’t be too high priority as you reach the hospital, looking as inconspicuous as possible as you sneak past the couple news outlets trying to get inside to interview him, no one major for now, but maybe that was just because no one knew where to actually find him yet. It was only a matter of time, people were nosy like that, yourself included as you strolled inside and pretended like you were there to visit someone you actually knew.

You take a walk, glancing at the names as you pretend to change your song, your head down and pointing at your iPod as you don’t ask for any help or directions, constantly pretending like you were there for a legitimate reason. As you reach the top floor, you start to wonder if maybe he was there under a different name or if he was still there at all when you catch a glimpse of a familiar face as a nurse walks through a door coming up on your left. You see his bandages first, the white so stark against his dark hair, and then you see his eyes, still so empty as he just looks at the food that was presented to him, completely uninterested in eating.

You quickly duck into the bathroom nearby as the nurse heads your way, turning on the light and the sink to make some noise as you listen for her footsteps to fade, and when they do you surround yourself in silence again as you figure out what your plan is here. You found him, room 415, and the name under the number is indeed a fake to throw anyone off, your eyes just barely able to pick out ‘James Robins’ from your distance away, so what now?

Do you really wanna talk to him, or are you there to join in on the spectacle? Did something about him interest you that day, or do you want to be able to say you met a celebrity for the first time in your life, aside from that one time you swore you saw Brad Pitt stopping for gas at the station by your duplex? Are you really going to go over there and hound him for an autograph or something before the bigger news outlets find him and he has to be moved somewhere else?

You peek around your corner and see the closed door, something drawing you to it but not the desire to see fame in its most vulnerable state, not that at all. You let go of the wall and slowly approach, constantly looking back and forth to make sure no one was about to catch you before you’re there, your hand raised to knock. It takes you a minute but you do, your knuckles lightly rapping on the wood as you wait for an answer. Nothing, so you try again, a sigh your reply before you get the okay to enter.

He’s facing the window when you come in, food cooling and that old book waiting over his legs as he just stares at the sky due to you being so high up. He waits for you to do whatever you need to before the silence stretches on for too long, and when he turns his head back to face you he looks surprised, it showing in his eyes as he looks you over. ‘You here for an interview or something?’ he asks in a raspy voice, like he isn’t used to talking, and when you don’t reply right away he gestures to your hand.

‘IPod,’ you tell him as you show him what he thought was a tape recorder, and he gets even more confused.

‘What do you want, then? Are you also a photographer? Here to take a picture of me to sell to those vultures waiting for me outside?’ He says it all so bluntly, despondently, and you can only shake your head again as you slide your headphones down to your neck, the tech such a contrast to your passable business casual outfit. ‘So it’s art you want, then; sorry to break it to you, it was stolen yesterday, you’ll have to get in line if you want something new while I’m stuck in this cage like sharkbait.’

‘I don’t want anything from you,’ you finally manage to say, shocked by his negativity; how did someone like him ever manage to become a celebrity?

‘You don’t? Find that hard to believe, everyone wants something, don’t they? People, all they want to do is take take take, no one wants to give, let alone create, do they? So when they find someone who gives or creates they just want to take it, make it their own, just paint over it so no one can ever know who it belonged to and what it meant to them and everyone else who just wanted to enjoy it, isn’t that right?’

You don’t know what to say, you’re genuinely stumped for words as he goes on his tangent, and when he sees your face he knows he’s talking to a wall. He turns away from you again, looking at the sky as a bird returns home on the ledge just outside the window, her nest tucked into the corner where her eggs are waiting for her return. She settles back down over them, her body all fluffed out to keep them warm, and you can see him also staring as his fingers curl out towards his book. It’s then you understand, he mentioned art, he’s an artist so this must be his sketchbook, no wonder you hadn’t heard of him. He doesn’t open it however, he wants to draw but he has no pencil, just the book.

‘I… I just-’ you start to say, but he doesn’t respond, probably because his bad ear is the one closest to you at the moment, ‘I just wanted to see if you were okay.’ You say it a little louder so he’ll hear, and again you confuse him as he glances your way. ‘Do you- would you like a pen or something? I might have one in my bag somewhere…’ You start digging around in the messenger bag you carry around with you, it holding whatever you bring home for the day, your old laptop, and an assortment of random things you’ve tossed in there since the last time you cleaned it. You hunt through unorganized papers and folders and a mountain of loose change before you manage to find both a mechanical pencil with its eraser almost completely worn and a company pen you’d stolen, one of many since you never seem to find the last one when you need it.

You hold out both to him and he looks at them as well as you, trying to find any selfish reason why you’d offer these tools to him but there were none, and he seems to get that as he takes both. Instantly his food is handed to you so it’s out of the way as he grabs his sketchbook and opens it to a new page, the bird staring at you as he starts drawing freely. He forgets you’re there in a matter of moments, so focused on capturing the simple beauty outside and distracting himself from his current situation, but you don’t mind. You set the food down on the small cabinet to his left, careful to make sure he could reach it while still avoiding the machines hooked up to him, one of them an IV that dripped endlessly to the clear tube leading to his bandaged hand.

You end up sitting when he continues to ignore you and his dinner, just watching him as he draws shapes until they start to take form, his movements wide and hard to track. He doesn’t work on just one part of what he sees, he does a bit of everything at once until it slowly comes together as one image, the bird watching in interest until sleep takes her and she gets comfy for an early night’s rest. He doesn’t stop even with her pose changed, still seeing her in his mind as he starts to detail her face a little, stopping to add in errant feathers and abstract shapes behind her for the city.

When he finally stops you can’t help but stare, and you stand to get a closer look, your presence making him jump when you get too close, clearly he thought you’d left. It’s beautiful even in its incomplete state, or maybe this is what he wanted, you don’t know, you can’t find the words to ask as you look at the bird in the dimming light outside; when had it become so dark? ‘Is this it? Did you give me these so you could get an original Joshua Whitmore?’ he asks bitterly, your eyes on the page again.

‘Who?’ you say before you can stop yourself, and you blink in embarrassment as you stutter out an apology before the look on his face silences you.

‘You really have no idea who I am, do you?’ he asks softly, and again you shake your head. ‘You just wanted to see if I was okay?’ You nod, your cheeks flushing slightly in a little more than embarrassment. ‘And wha- what do you see when you look at this?’

He holds up his sketchbook for you to look at again, and you reach for it but he pulls away, you can look but not touch, got it. Your eyes scan the paper just like you’d been doing for who knows how long, and you smile as you turn back to him and his almost nervous expression. ‘I see a bird in her nest, I'm sorry, should I be looking for something else? I’m not one for art, I don’t really know what to tell you,’ you admit, but this answer actually pleases him, calms him as his shoulders relax just a little.

‘You just see a bird, yeah, that’s what I drew,’ he repeats to himself as he smiles weakly, and he looks almost relieved in this before the door opens and you’re interrupted. It’s the nurse from before, and she stops in her tracks when she notices that he’s no longer alone.

‘Oh no, do you want me to call security, Mr. Whitmore?’ she asks nervously, and he looks at you before telling her no, he knew you. ‘Oh, okay, but visiting hours are over so you do have to go, I’m afraid,’ she tells you next, and you glance at your watch to see that you’d somehow been there for almost two hours, so lost in him drawing that you didn’t even notice the passing of time. As if on cue, your stomach gives a rumble for its delayed dinner, it spreading to him as the nurse then notices that he hasn’t eaten anything, and you walk out as she places his tray back on the moveable table attached to his bed. ‘We’ll have to put you on another IV if you don’t eat, how many times do I have to tell you?’ she chides him, and he opens his bottle of water to take an experimental sip before the door is shut and you’re left alone in the hallway.

You head home now that your curiosity has been sated, but you can’t help but repeat his words in your head all the way there, him saying that he knew you making your chest feel warm even as you heat up some leftovers and watch a movie by yourself.

You don’t go back right away, unsure if he’d appreciate you coming back now that he could draw again, but you still feel that pull follow you over the next few days. You have Sunday off, the one holiday in your busy week, and when you step out to grab a few things for dinner you find your feet carrying you in the opposite direction as you head back to the hospital. The news vans are still outside, cops now stopping them from getting in and disrupting everyone else inside, not just him, and you have to show your work ID in order to prove you’re not with them. It’s almost enough to make you turn around, but you’re moving on autopilot all the way back to the fourth floor, his name still under the number, he hasn’t been moved yet.

You knock on the door and he allows you in, and you could swear his face brightens just a bit when he sees that it’s you. He doesn’t look as terrible as he did the last time you saw him, like being able to draw helped brighten his situation just enough to bring back his appetite based on the empty tray waiting to get taken away. He’s drawing again as you walk in, and the TV is on to a random station, probably the History Channel based on what was currently on screen, sketches of the animals filling the page to create a lively scene.

‘You came back,’ he states more than questions, and you just shrug and hold up your bag of groceries.

‘I needed to grab a few things, it’s my day off so I wanted to actually cook something tonight,’ you tell him like he’d care, and he surprises you this time by nodding towards the bag.

‘Anything good?’ he pries, and you hold the bag open for him to see, showing off the random contents inside that you hoped would turn themselves into something delicious so you could enjoy the spoils. ‘What d’you plan to make with just that?’

‘I had some stuff already at home, this is just what I’m missing,’ you say, and he eyes the bag again before opening his mouth to speak.

‘You think… nevermind,’ he quickly backs out, and you urge him to continue. ‘Y’think I could steal one of those apples? Or do you need them all?’ You don’t, you can still make a damn good apple crumble with the bag minus one, and you tear open the plastic so he can choose his favourite. ‘Thanks, kinda hard to keep fruit fresh when you’re on the road,’ he says as he shines it on his blanket, and when he bites into it he looks like he hasn’t been able to taste anything like it in much too long.

‘You travel a lot?’ you ask as the juice runs down his chin, already grabbing a tissue from the box nearby so he doesn’t make a mess on his sketchbook.

‘You could say that,’ he mutters between bites, and when there’s nothing left but the core you hold the bag open for him to grab a second. ‘No, I couldn’t,’ he refuses, but you just shrug and grab one for yourself, you can always buy more on the way home. He watches you take your bite before indulging, grabbing two and placing one on his moveable table for later, and the feeling that fills you at the sight is sweeter than the fruit. ‘What were you gunna make with these?’

‘Apple crumble, I used to make it all the time with my mom when I was growing up, she’d always put in a ton of cinnamon so it always tasted better than something store bought,’ you say as you can already taste it, and he looks down at his half-eaten apple as something takes over his expression.

‘Haven’t had a chance to cook something in a long time,’ he says, mostly to himself, like this is something he’s been thinking but hasn’t actually said aloud yet. ‘Hard to keep fruit, hard to pack a portable stove, hard to carry around a kitchen on your back when there’s so many better things to bring; need a bed, need paper, so many needs in the face of those wants. It’s easier to pack light in the pockets, find a place with water and refill, harder to keep the smell of cooking food from escaping an empty house.’

You just listen as you eat, he’s on another tangent and you don’t dare interrupt, but this one is sadder than the last, and you notice how tired he looks as he sinks into the bed. It’s then you notice that he has nothing around him in this room, no get well soon cards, no balloons, no sign of anyone visiting him even with the circus outside waiting for a glimpse of him. It’s just him, his sketchbook, and now his single apple waiting for him to eat it tomorrow. You toss your own core into the trash and grab a tissue to wipe up the juices, you made sure to grab your most favourite brand to make your dessert as delicious as it could be, and the bag feels heavy in your hand as the store branded plastic shifts when you do.

‘I just remembered I forgot something, so I need to head back to the store before it closes,’ you suddenly say, and he looks at you with those tired eyes when you speak. ‘So, if you want, you could maybe ask for something for me to get? Since I have to pass by this way again anyways.’ It’s a lie, it’s so out of the way it’ll take you over a half hour to get back home on travel alone, but he doesn’t need to know that.

He thinks about it a while before declining, the apples were enough, but that’s not a good enough answer for you; you reach into the bag and pull out a few more apples, loading up his table with them, and he looks ready to object but they’re already out and it would certainly be a pain to put them all back, wouldn’t it? He looks at the bunch, and there’s way more than he probably wants, but he looks thankful all the same.

‘You won’t have to worry about storing them when you’re here,’ you just say, and he brushes his bangs away from his eye as he tucks his pencil behind his good ear.

‘Not unless I leave here tomorrow,’ he figures, and something pulls at you again.

‘Will you still be here tomorrow?’ Your voice comes out small, hopeful yet worried, and he touches his bandage and flinches.

‘Don’t think they’ll let me outta here until I can pay for all this,’ he wonders, his hands going for his book as his eyes lose a little light, ‘everything has a price, even the reason I’m in here.’

You want to ask but you can’t, it’s too soon even though it feels like he wants you to, but he doesn’t bring it up again even as you turn to go. ‘I’d better run or else I’ll be eating this dinner for breakfast, if you’re still here tomorrow I can bring you some, if you’d like?’ That also feels too soon, but the light he lost returns at the offer.

‘You don’t have to,’ is what he actually says, but his small smile gives him away. You nod and turn on your heel towards the door, his voice making you stop before you enter the hallway. ‘And if you have to come back this way, could you… would you mind if I asked for something else? Some charcoals, paints, anything small I can hide from them while I’m here, all my stuff was seized back at the house.’

He doesn’t explain why, you don’t ask what happened.

‘That might require a different trip, but I’ll see what I can do if that’s okay,’ you say instead, and he returns the smile you give him.

Work keeps you away for the next few days, and you’re sure to take the car to work on Wednesday so you can do some proper shopping. It’s cheaper to walk, but the gas expense is worth it as you find the only art shop in town before you hit the grocery store. It’s small, and doesn’t have much, so you have to settle for the cheap stuff for kids as you peruse the aisles in search of what he wants. You end up grabbing a few extra things as well, like different coloured pens, a couple erasers and more graphite to go with the pencil, and another sketchbook with thicker paper for his new supplies; you really don’t know a lot about art, and you don’t correct the employee when he asks if you’re buying for your kid, although you do at least say it’s for a friend’s kid as you hold the supplies a little closer to your chest.

You cash out and make for the grocery store, buying mostly for yourself and wishing you knew what he liked other than apples so you could give him some treats to have between mandated hospital food. You wonder if it’d be too forward to ask again as you check everything off your list, your thoughts only on him as everything is packed tightly into several more plastic bags that you then pile into the cart so you can load them into your car. His art supplies occupy the front seat as everything else is stuffed into the trunk, and when you’re done unloading it at home you add a tupperware case filled with leftover apple crumble to the bag as well, it sealed extra tight to make sure everything stayed safe.

You carry the bag the few blocks to the hospital, noting that the number of vans has increased as more important looking people try to get in. You don’t need to flash your ID this time, the cops from before recognize you and let you by as you’re bribed into finding their media target, but you just ignore them as you cross the threshold. You head straight for his room, knocking again as a courtesy and finding that he already has company; there’s a doctor and a couple nurses already inside and checking him out, his ear exposed as his stitches were examined to see how he was healing.

The bandages cover his table, his sketchbook placed on the cabinet along with his remaining apple, medical supplies decorating a nearby cart as the wound is cleaned. They’re so busy they don’t notice you until after the door’s been opened, and you finally get to see what’s under the bandage as cleaning swabs and lights are shined over the area; the topmost part of his ear is gone, a space the width of your thumb where the curve should be, the doctor asking him if he can hear anything as his other ear is covered.

‘The ringing stopped yesterday,’ he answers, a nurse snapping her fingers directly beside him, and he flinches away from the sound, the test positive.

‘You’re lucky the gun didn’t rupture your eardrum with how close it was,’ she says as she goes back to cleaning, the other nurse already getting out a new bandage, ‘if you hadn’t been found, you might’ve bled out.’

‘Wasn’t aiming for my ear,’ he says like it was the most normal and unconcerning statement in the world, and you nearly drop your bag at that. The sound gets everyone’s attention, including his, as they all turn to see you, his eyes meeting yours before the door is shut in your face. You almost leave but you decide to wait it out, finding a spot against the wall and getting comfortable. The next time the door opens you get an apology for the slam, but it’s fine, you were intruding, after all. You’re about to go in when the doctor sees your bag and stops you, his hand on your arm and holding you there with just enough force that you know to listen very carefully to what he’s about to say.

‘He’s reassured us that he knows you, but please try to refrain from mentioning he’s here to anyone else,’ he says, already looking tired even though it was far from sunset. ‘It’s just a rumour for now, but people have been bribed recently to find out if he really is here; the people outside aren’t what he needs right now, not after what he’s been through, and I fear what going back out there will do to him before he’s ready.’

What happened to him?

You want to ask it so badly but you can’t, it’s not for this doctor to say, and you both know it. He releases your arm after a quick look in your bag, so much for hiding his supplies, but it seems to be approved as he heads down the hall to meet his next patient. You straighten yourself up and knock, and it takes him a while but eventually he answers, already knowing it’s you. He looks tired again, not even seeing you approach him as he plays with the edge of the new bandage.

‘How much did you hear?’ he just asks, not even looking your way.

‘More than you,’ you reply bluntly, and it catches him so off guard that he can’t help but look at you. You both stare at each other as you flounder out an apology, but the lights return as he chokes back a laugh, the first you’ve heard since you’ve met.

‘I guess you did, yeah,’ he says, and then the air is lighter as you approach and show him what you’ve brought; you worry it might not be good enough but he seems pleased with your finds, especially with the second book. ‘Did you go to the place down by the lights? I stopped by when I first got here, there isn’t much, thank you for this,’ he says as he spreads everything out, looking ready to tear it all open and get started.

‘I also brought you this,’ you tell him as you then pull out the tupperware and a fork, and he looks at it before taking off the lid and breathing in the scent of apples and cinnamon. ‘Sorry I couldn’t bring it sooner, it’s been a nightmare at work, I haven’t been able to have a minute to myself lately.’

‘And yet you choose to come here when you do have a minute, your life must be very unexciting if this is the preferable option,’ he figures as he takes a bite, not even bothered by his words to the point where you couldn’t take any offense to it. Something like euphoria flashes across his face as he eats, and your cheeks heat up as he tries to control himself from eating too fast but fails, all of it gone before you know it. ‘Wow, uh… I see you kept up the tradition of loading on the cinnamon,’ he thinks aloud with a lick of his lips, the floor suddenly very interesting as you feel a need to look away.

‘Yeah, it really brings out the apples,’ is all you can say to that, and then you’re taking the dishes back and placing them in the bag. ‘I can make more, if you want? Or I can find something else to make, if you have any requests?’

‘Are you some kinda pâtissière?’

‘What? Oh, no, I just think… people are at their happiest when they’re sharing the fruits of their labour, and in my family, that labour was always food, so I find comfort in that now, as an adult. Does that make sense?’ You’ve made things for others before, family dinners, potlucks, celebrations at work, but never have you felt more scrutinized until now as he licks his lips again, already ready for seconds even though you have nothing left to give.

‘It makes perfect sense, what good is there to make something without having someone to share it with? What use is a feast without it spread over a table set for family and friends, or music without an audience to get lost in the sound, or-’

‘Or a painting without anyone to appreciate the vision and share their own, right?’ He looks up at you, something in his eyes that screams yes, that you got it, but also something sad, like he didn’t believe it was true at the same time. ‘Did you share your art, before you came here?’

You know you shouldn’t ask, but you can’t stop yourself.

He slowly stacks everything up and places it out of the way, his old book back on his lap and his fingers playing with the rough edges of the cover as he goes over your question in his head. ‘I did, for a few years,’ he starts carefully, eyes on you as he watches for your reactions. ‘Outta college, I got spotted by a few potential dealers, got a contract with one, started selling my work while I got a job to pay the bills. One painting sold, then another, then five, then I didn’t need to work anymore. Suddenly what I loved to do was my job, and it wasn’t what I loved to do anymore.’ He slides his fingers under the cover strap, holds on tight as the lights leave him again, he doesn’t like to talk about it but he doesn’t stop. ‘All those eyes on my work, on myself, everything torn apart by people who didn’t get it and distributed via cameras for free to those who didn’t appreciate it.

‘Deadlines were forced on me, I was pushed to sell whatever I made, it was no longer about me or how I felt anymore, it was all about the money, who could bid the highest on a piece of me that I’d so painstakingly torn off and decorated for the world to see, all sealed up in a shiny new frame. So-called experts who defined their own meaning over mine, collectors who just wanted to fill a space in their third home, people who didn’t even look at what was inside the frame only because my name was on it and they’d heard I was the talk of the town.

‘And then it happened, someone claimed to see a miracle hidden amongst the brushstrokes but I hadn’t painted any miracle, something so beautiful and abstract can’t be confined to canvas and paint, not by me. Suddenly, everyone was seeing them, everyone wanted to bring the angels home with them and were desperate to do so, and I lost my name under the title of Prophet or Saint or, god forbid, an Angel myself. I am none of those things, and they stole- they stole myself from me, my passion, everything I was so they could keep seeing what they wanted to see, all everyone does is take take take.’

You don’t know when you’d sat down but you blink and find yourself in the chair nearby him, his eyes no longer on you as he lets it all out, his hands waving and lip quivering; he’s crying, this is his barest self, and you wonder if any of what he’s saying has to do with the bandage that washes out all the other colour in the room as you hear him say in your head that he wasn’t aiming for his ear.

‘Did you stop, after all that?’ you ask, and at first he doesn’t hear you, the bandage really muffles your small voice from this side, so you get up and move to the right side of his bed instead. You sit down and he tries to hide his tears from you, but there’s no pity here, you didn’t come for an interview to market and sell to the masses, you came to talk to your friend. You repeat yourself and this time he hears you, his eyes glancing up to meet yours before he’s looking at his book again.

‘I tried, but the demand was too much, they wouldn’t let me get myself back.’

‘What did you do then?’

He smiles bitterly, his right hand moving from his book to rub at his left wrist, and from this angle you can see the scars peeking out from behind his thumb. ‘I made a miracle,’ he murmurs softly, ‘I made Joshua Whitmore disappear.’ You reach out and take his hand, holding it tightly over his book and surprising him yet again, although he doesn’t pull away from you. ‘I didn’t do it to kill myself, I had a friend help me get out of there safely after I trashed my studio, but it was still enough to make everyone think I was dead, and in that I was reborn, free to take myself back again. I couldn’t touch the money I’d made from my work anymore, couldn’t go back home, so I packed up whatever I needed and hit the road after my scars had healed.’

‘And you’ve been traveling ever since,’ you finish for him, now understanding what he’d meant before about wants versus needs. ‘So everyone thought you were dead, and that’s why they’re trying so hard to get in downstairs, they wanna see the miracle,’ you put together, and he nods, his hand limp in your own. ‘If you can escape them, will you run again?’

He chuckles but there’s no joy in it, he looks more tired than you’ve ever seen him. ‘Does it matter? They’ll know I’m out there, they’ll know it’s me the moment this happens again, I couldn’t break the code and now they’ll take me away again.’

‘And if you found somewhere to hide?’ You hold him a little tighter, his eyes shutting at the thought of already trying that and failing, it evident as another tear creeps down his cheek. ‘Somewhere permanent, where they’d never find you, I mean.’

‘Where could I find someplace like that? I was careful, I was sososo careful this time, and I still-’ His hand grips yours for just a moment as he tenses, angry at himself and how it all turned out.

‘You could-’ You stop yourself from telling him he could stay with you, it’s too much, you’re still strangers even though you knew this much about him now, how could he ever find solace with you after three days spread out over less than two weeks? He couldn’t, and you know it. ‘There has to be somewhere, I could help you.’

‘Help me?’ He looks at you again, doubt and unparalleled cynicism on his face, but you don’t back down.

‘I won’t take from you, Joshua,’ you tell him firmly, and he holds your hand for real this time, weakly, but still on purpose. ‘I’ll find you somewhere you can sketch and paint and take yourself back from them again, and you can hide there for so long you won’t have to run again, do you trust me to do that for you?’

Something different flashes across his face then, something in between his cynicism for his life and hope for what you’re promising. ‘If you can find it, then I’ll go,’ he agrees, his body deflating as he sinks into the pillows, ‘I’m so tired of running, it’s almost as bad as the lying.’

‘About what?’

‘Everything, I couldn’t do it anymore.’

You feel too far from him as he closes his eyes, your body moving on its own as you climb up further onto the bed and get in close, his eyes opening as he tries to see what you’re doing. You wait for his okay, your hand still holding his as he shifts to his left, freeing up enough space for you to lay yourself next to him, your shoulder pressed tight against his. He’s stiff beside you, clearly it’s been a long time since he’s been this close to another person, but you need him to know you’ll come through on your promise, that you truly aren’t there to take from him as you share your warmth and your company.

You don’t know when it happens, but you end up falling asleep like that, only waking up when the nurse comes in to check on him and sees you in bed with him. She comes over to your side and gently shakes you awake, whispering that visiting hours were over as quietly as she can with you still being able to hear her. You blink yourself awake, your arm completely numb as you roll onto your back and attempt to sit, and you see why she was being so quiet; he’s asleep beside you, his book open to a new sketch you couldn’t decipher quite yet, his pencil still in his left hand and telling you he must be ambidextrous considering his right one was still clasped in your own.

You let go, the nurse helping you get up without disturbing him, and he looks so peaceful as he stretches out and tries to find your warmth in his sleep. You wish you could stay, and you wish he could go with you, but those are things you can’t say to him, not yet. You gather up your bag with the dishes inside as quietly as you can before sneaking out, the nurse checking him over as you leave, and when you get home you make another big batch of apple crumble for him to enjoy the next time you visit.

Now that he’s shared so much with you, you make up your mind to share as much as you can with him until he’s ready to leave, making him treats and dinner foods since it was the only time you could visit, each one bringing the light back to his eyes even as the vultures gathered outside to peck him apart again until there was nothing left. You start bringing work to the hospital so you don’t fall behind, the two of you peacefully existing around each other as he draws and you do your job in a chair nearby. When he stops to eat you pull out a bagged dinner, and the two of you sit there and talk while the History Channel silently shows off beautiful scenery and animals in the background. You share your life the way he did his own, the two of you getting closer as his ear heals, his hearing returns, and he gets his strength back.

You bringing him so much food helps his malnutrition, and sometimes you climb onto the bed with him and pull up classic art on your laptop so you can hear what he has to say about it, and he has so much to say. He’s fascinating to listen to, he really knows his stuff, and when you joke about taking lessons from him he just brushes it aside and says that he could never be a teacher even as he tells you all about the random painting you think looks cool as you scroll together. You enjoy your time with him as the world continues on outside those four walls and the windows, the only reminder of the passage of time being the sun as it sets once again.

‘Tomorrow’s Sunday, want me to make you breakfast this time?’ you ask as you stretch, his bed much comfier than the chair but you can’t keep stealing the space, not without an excuse.

‘Sunday breakfast, been a long time,’ he muses as he also stretches, sick of being in bed after so many years of doing nothing but moving. ‘Maybe if we sneak out the back tonight you can take me to your place, that way you don’t have to keep bringing me food here like some kinda delivery person,’ he jokes, and you pray that he can’t see how red your cheeks are becoming at the thought. ‘And… have you found a place for me to hide yet?’

You freeze, wanting to say yes more than anything, and when you look into his eyes you swear that he wants to hear it just as much. ‘Actually, I-’

The door swings open as the doctor walks in with a policeman, the two of you staring in apprehension as the door is closed again behind them; it’s late now, much too late for this to be a simple chat, and you start to move towards him protectively even as the cop stares you down. ‘Mr. Whitmore, after these past two weeks going back between statements from Ms. Skinner and Mr. Morris, as well as the children present, mainly Mr. Walker, we’ve come to the conclusion that it wasn’t a suicide attempt, although the breaking and entering needs to be addressed,’ the cop says calmly, and Joshua shuts his eyes tight in what doesn’t look like relief. ‘We’ve already contacted your bank back in New York where your funds have been frozen, and we’ve worked out a way for your remaining money to pay for your stay here, but the matter of the fine still needs to be taken care of.’

‘How much is it?’ you ask without hesitation, your hand already going for your messenger bag, and the cop looks you over before turning back to him.

‘And who’s this?’ he asks, Joshua looking at you before calling you his friend. ‘Well, since he technically did stay under supervision here while he healed, and the money is being transferred to the hospital for his stay, his fine still comes to $1000; abandoned or not, it’s still private property.’

‘I’ll pay it,’ you announce, Joshua already trying to talk you out of it but it’s useless, your checkbook held out as you write down the amount using one of his pens since you once again couldn’t find your own. The cop allows you to, the matter now settled as you hand over the thin strip of paper, Joshua not meeting your eye as he stares at his book with an unreadable expression. The cop tucks the paper into his pocket and tips his hat to the two of you, wishing you both a good night now that he was free to go again, the doctor staying behind to finish the conversation.

‘You can continue seeing us if anything changes, but you can be discharged as soon as tonight,’ he explains, Joshua still not looking up. ‘If you have somewhere to go, I suggest you do so, save yourself another day of billing; just be sure to keep from sleeping on your left, let it finish healing.’

‘All my things were seized, might as well sleep in a warm bed one last time before I pick them up and find a new bridge to sleep under tomorrow,’ he mutters to himself, the doctor shooting you a concerned glance as you try to force the words to come out. The doctor sees you struggling and gives you a moment to speak even though visiting hours were once again over, the sun set outside and the lights inside making the windows turn to mirrors. ‘You can go now, I won’t have you trying to buy more of me,’ he suddenly says like he believes it, and it shocks you so much that you can no longer stay silent.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I see it now, the supplies, the food, now the fine, all handouts for the poor, struggling artist, can’t even keep an apple fresh on the road, that’s right, isn’t it?’ He’s gathering up his stuff, no longer interested in spending the night and looking ready to run again.

‘Wha- none of that was a handout, I was sharing with you, I thought you got that?’ you try to tell him but he’s inconsolable, his legs swinging over the side of the bed as he gathers everything up in his arms.

‘Yeah, everyone takes, what were you going to take from me when all this was over, huh? Did you want to be the one to nurse me back to health and carry me out the doors for everyone to gawk at? The hero who saved Joshua Whitmore, brought him back from the dead? I bet that would lead to a few good interviews, maybe some TV time, can’t forget about the flash of the cameras even now; I wonder if they’re waiting for us, can’t keep them waiting, can we?’

He was on another one of his tangents, saying everything that came to mind without pause as he overloaded with too much all at once, and you race around to his side as he stands and heads for the door, ready to step in front of the vultures to be willingly devoured. You hold out your arms to stop him before looking up, he’s much taller than you thought after seeing him only sit or lay for two weeks, briefly distracted by it before he’s trying to push past you to get to the hallway. ‘No! I’m not letting them have you,’ you insist, not wanting to grab him and force him to stay, but when he shoves you a little too hard and you stumble you can’t help but cling to his arm in an attempt to steady yourself. He stumbles with you, everything falling to the floor and scattering, and you both forget your fight as his sketchbook opens to the page you’d seen before, the one you couldn’t decipher.

You stoop down to pick it up as he runs his hand through his hair and tries to take it away, your eyes on the page as you see yourself, presumably from his perspective as you slept on his shoulder. You flip through the pages after that, seeing yourself again and again before he grabs his book and holds it to his chest, his eyes on his remaining things on the floor, all gifts from you. ‘I thought you were different,’ he mumbles, and you feel your lip quiver before you’re closing the gap and hugging him, trapping him in place.

He tries to shift free but you won’t let him, mindful of his ear as you tuck yourself into his right side, your hands clasping behind his back instead of holding him, something in you telling you that you wouldn’t be able to let go if you grabbed onto him instead. ‘They weren’t handouts,’ you tell him again, his hands and book pressed tightly between you, ‘I wanted to help you…’

‘What person drops $1000 on someone they barely know?’ he says into your hair, and you pray he doesn’t feel you shaking.

‘A friend does, I thought we were friends…’

‘You don’t wanna be my friend, no matter how many times you visit, you still barely know me.’

‘I do, I wanna know so much more, I want…’ You swallow, your hands letting go of yourself so you can grab onto his shirt instead. ‘I want so much more…’

You’ve surprised him again and you know it as his breath hitches, and he tries one last time to be cynical, to run. ‘What’ll you take from me if I let you?’

‘I won’t take anything, I told you already; I just wanna be able to share more with you, I don’t need a miracle, I don’t want you to disappear again.’

‘...Don’t lie to me.’ He tries to sound confident in his despair, but there’s hope in there as well.

‘I don’t think I can lie to you, not after this,’ you admit, and he laughs in a way that isn’t entirely bitter.

‘Good, I don’t think I can handle you lying to me.’ He backs away but not to run, and you allow him to look down at you; he’s crying, but so are you, and you hope that he can tell that you’re telling the truth when he looks from your pink cheeks to your eyes until finally settling on your lips. You think for a moment he might kiss you but he doesn’t, just sniffs and kneels down to pick up everything he dropped. You help him, and he’s about to climb back into bed for that final night’s sleep when you grab onto the back of his shirt and stop him.

‘What happened to sneaking out the back?’ you ask softly, and the lights return to his eyes as he follows you out into the hall.

The front desk is in perfect view of the doors where you still see people waiting on the other side, so you flag down a nurse to get him checked out from afar as you casually walk by them and hurry home. You return less than 15 minutes later with your car, parking it just out of sight in the back where he can’t be seen no matter how hard any paparazzi try, and when he comes out dressed in scrubs you eagerly unlock the door and bolt before anyone can look too hard.

You park your car in the garage and lead him into your home, and at first you feel self-conscious about it because he used to be the high profile celebrity you originally thought he was, but as he looks around he doesn’t look bothered, and when he sees the painting on your wall he stops and stares. ‘Who did this?’ he asks as he examines it, and you smile faintly as you remember the day you got it.

‘My grandfather, back before he passed,’ you tell him, and he looks at you instead. ‘I was too young to understand what he felt when he painted it, but I think being around you might’ve helped me understand a little bit better now.’

‘What did he feel, then?’

‘Love.’ You look up at him, your shoulders touching as he turns back to it and nods.

‘I think so, too.’

You sleep in the next morning, your arm numb again as you navigate the tangle of blankets you’ve trapped yourself in in the night. It took some convincing but you managed to get him to take your bed, needing to insist it wasn’t a handout after so many years of sleeping on cold floors, and when you peek in on him you can see how much he needed it as he covers as much of the queen mattress as he can. You grin and start on breakfast, wanting to let him get some proper rest for as long as he can until the smell of food awakens him and pulls him to you. You’re still no chef, but you can also make some damn good scrambled eggs, and he looks way too hungry to criticize you.

‘Need any help?’ he offers, but you’re pretty much done so you direct him to the cupboards to set the table instead. You both move in a comfortable silence until you’re sat together, and you smile into your coffee when you see how he finally looks like himself again.

‘Sleep well?’ you ask as you hand him the jam without him needing to ask just based on how he watched you cover your toast, and your fingers brush as he takes the jar from you. He stares a moment before spreading it liberally over his own toast, and his eyes don’t leave you as he takes a big bite.

‘I think I finally broke the code,’ he suddenly says as you wait for his answer, your head cocking to the side in confusion at the second mention of this code. ‘I think I know why so many people saw miracles in my paintings, no matter what I drew.’

‘Why’s that?’ you ask around a mouthful of eggs and potatoes, and he draws something in the air that you can’t see, although you know that he can.

‘People see what they wanna see, they’d rather put meaning into their own truths than face the reality staring right at them,’ he muses, still drawing.

‘And what does your reality say?’

His hand lowers back to his fork but he doesn’t look away from you, and you eventually have to look away under his warm but steady gaze. ‘It says I don’t have to lie anymore, that this might be…’ He just looks at your painting without finishing his sentence, but you already know what he wanted to say, your own confession of this being where you wanted him to stay going unsaid but accepted all the same the moment he crawled into your bed. Outside the window behind him, a bird similar to the one outside his hospital room lands on your sil, and she stares at you before chirping out a quick song and flying away; the light coming in from the window covers him in a faint halo but it holds nothing miraculous in it as he looks at you, the man before you just that, a man.

‘I think so, too,’ you reply, his smile matching your own as you share your life with him, Joshua ready now to do the same with you.

#Ray's Readers #david dastmalchian #joshua whitmore #joshua whitmore x reader #this might actually get a small sequel in the future since I wanna see him be happy #listened to The Light From One by Ane Brun this time and my god it set the mood so perfectly I need more songs by her #totally stole some art related stuff from my Addy/Abner fic since it fit so well with him and I got to switch it around this time uwu #don't like to write in present tense outside of my rough notes but for some reason it felt right for this one #I keep putting my own comfort foods into these fics to share with them and it makes me crave them 😩

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meimi-haneoka · 8 months ago

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Cosmos - Akiho/Kaito one-shot

Once upon a time, when chapter 48 had definitively broken the cage to my admiration and support for the YunaAki pairing, I couldn't help but start imagining their future together.

And one of the first headcanons that came up to me was this one. Not in depth like you can see developed here, but the setting was definitely this one. An intimacy that didn't require for them to necessarily "jump on eachother". And for personal reasons, I needed to reclaim this headcanon so badly, write it down and release it to the world. Just because of that, I can already feel like this little thing spilled here will be one of my favorite writings.

I'm pretty sure this one, at more than 1600 words, is categorized as a fully fledged fic, right?

Now, this is another quite romantic one, but I managed to sneak in a tiny bit of delicious angst towards the end, just cause it's so much their element and I can't stand over-sugary stuff myself. I can't believe I also made actual research for this one. Get ready for some cosmic magic under the cut ✨

Genre: fluff, romance, a sprinkle of angst. Akiho is 17 years old. They haven't found a cure for Kaito yet, but! She has disclosed her true name to him. Snippet: "Akiho-san...do you know the origin of your name?" "...My name?" "Your true one."

All the curtains were closed tightly. The spacious living room was completely immersed in the darkness, except for a couple of scented candles on the ground, faintly illuminating the floor. Any hindrance out of the way. A generous number of soft cushions of all sizes was arranged on the floor, on top of a large camping mattress, right between the two candles.

Akiho threw herself enthusiastically on the pile of cushions, while Kaito lay down in a slower motion.

"....Ready?" Kaito whispered with a soft smile, while the girl next to him nodded excitedly, azure eyes shining in the dark.

One press on a button of the remote controller, and the whole ceiling turned into a sparkling planetarium.

Akiho gasped. "Oh my god....this is amazing!" She instinctively brought her hands to her face, covering partly her mouth while her voice was choking with emotion, a quirk that even at 17 years old she couldn't drop yet.

The starry vault rotated slowly, while some stars twinkled, giving a quite realistic effect to the scenery. Every now and then, a shooting star would appear randomly, inviting to make a wish.

Kaito looked to the side to check the reaction of the girl, pleased with himself. The star projector had been his present for Akiho's 17th birthday, but between study, book repairs and moving out to another country, they hadn't found a moment of quiet to put it in function. That perfect moment finally came this evening of December.

Of course he bought the most expensive model out there, and this one could even add sound effects to the experience, which he had set on sea waves through the remote control. The idea was "we're lying down on a deserted beach at night, in the early summer", instead of the chilling winter they were actually in.

"Kaito-san..." - Akiho moved her finger up in the air, "what constellation is that one?"

He had vaguely studied astronomy as part of his magic education, but he had forgotten a lot of it...for a moment he was tempted to use a magic spell, but then decided against it, not wanting to irritate the girl beside him. She always reprimanded him whenever he lazily tried to use his magic for the most mundane things. They hadn't found a cure for him yet, so she wanted him to keep the use of magic at the minimum, to avoid affecting his health. Therefore, he pulled himself up and went next to the star projector, changing the little disc with a different one.

The projection changed to a similar starry vault complete with the constellations map, and plopping down next to her, he said with a smile "Akiho-san, that seems to be Virgo!".

"Really?! That's my zodiac sign!!" Her brows furrowed for a moment, then "Indeed, with a bit of imagination that could look like a maiden...without a head". Kaito chuckled. "Wait, where's Pisces?"

Kaito checked the constellation map on his phone (which he had downloaded precisely for this occasion), and after a moment he indicated it, pointing his finger towards the ceiling. "Over there."

"....That one?! Oh....that looks more like a flower with two stems than actually two fishes, doesn't it?" she blurted out, laughing playfully.

"...Akiho-san..." Kaito couldn't help but chuckle again, reveling in the cheerfulness of his beloved. Nothing could send tingles to his heart like the sound of her laughter.

"Akiho-san...do you know the origin of your name?" "...My name?" "Your true one."

Akiho stared at him with curiosity, cheeks tinted slightly with a pink hue. The topic of their true names was usually off-limits. They didn't make a rule for it, but being both very well acquainted with the customs of the magic world, the unspoken agreement was to never bring them up...unless it was something serious.

"I was named after a flower, right?"

"Of course...but do you know why cosmos flowers were named that way?"

The girl stared at him, thinking for a moment about the question. She realized she never actually thought about why cosmos flowers bore that name. So, she shook her head slightly.

"Back in the 17th century, Spanish priests found the flowers in Mexico and cultivated them in their mission gardens."

He looked away from her, turning his gaze towards the starry sky.

"Originally, Kosmos is a Greek word that means 'order' or 'harmonious arrangement'. The priests were fascinated by those flowers' orderly arranged petals, they found them...." He paused.

"...Breathtakingly beautiful. And perfect." His eyes were now twinkling, still fixed on the firmament over their heads. "Just like the universe, the cosmos. So, they named those flowers after it."

Akiho's heartbeat quickened, and if she knew the man next to her well enough, his heart was doing just the same. They had spent enough time together for her to understand all too well what he was trying to say.

Kaito felt Akiho's hand searching for his, and they intertwined them silently.

"Thank you...I didn't know all of that. I've always thought that cosmos flowers were pretty, yes, but not particularly remarkable or unique... It is nice to know that the right people could see the true beauty and worth in them."

As if replying to her, she felt him squeezing her hand.

After a moment of silence, Akiho's right index finger moved up in the air once again. "Wait, what about that one? What is its name? It's big, but the stars don't look particularly bright"

"Hmm...Aquarius, apparently. This one would be basically impossible to see by naked eye, from an urban area."

Akiho made a face once again. "The water-bearer, hmmm... I can see his legs but...these constellations all seem to be missing their heads!", she blurted out, feigning annoyance.

Kaito couldn't hold it in, and burst out laughing, causing her to do the same.

Yes, she was just perfect the way she was.

☆゜・。。・゜゜・。。・゜★

Kaito groggily opened his eyes in the dim light of the candles, ceiling still covered with stars. The clock of the living room showed it was 2 am.

Clinging onto his right arm, Akiho was soundly asleep next to him. Consciousness rapidly washed over him, remembering what happened.

Akiho's exploration of the starry vault had gone on for more than an hour, but at some point her remarks and answers had become more and more absentminded, till he realized she had actually fallen asleep. Smiling tenderly at her slumbering form, he was ready to pull himself up to go pick up a blanket for her, and eventually arrange some cushions for himself farther away from the camping mattress (he didn't want to wake her up, but didn't want to leave her sleeping alone in the living room either), but he had quickly realized with dismay that she had turned on the side and literally latched onto his right arm.

He had frozen right there and then. He didn't want to wake her up, but he had started to overthink as usual - this is not appropriate, we shouldn't sleep together, what if-- The result was that the stress made him incredibly sleepy, and after a few minutes of ruminations, Morpheus had taken a hold of him too.

Now that he was fully awake, he mentally scolded himself for falling asleep, and proceeded to do what he didn't have the heart to do before: slowly, slowly, he tried to disentangle his arm from Akiho's grip. When he managed to slip away, he rose to go pick that blanket up, because he couldn't risk for Akiho to catch a cold due to his imprudence.

"Where are you going?"

Her tone made him stop in his tracks immediately. Turning around, what he saw made his heart drop.

Akiho was propped on her elbow, staring in his direction but not quite focused on him. She was clearly still half asleep, but what ripped Kaito's heart apart was her expression, halfway between a scowl and wanting to break into tears.

It didn't take him long to understand why she had that expression. Even after 4 years, the trauma he had caused to her resurfaced sometimes in her dreams, upsetting her when she woke up.

"I'm just going to get a blanket.....I'm not going anywhere." he answered, while painfully making sure to emphasize the last part.

Akiho blinked her eyes twice, awareness coming back to her. Her expression slowly turned into one of realization, then she looked briefly to her side, panicking. "Oh my god, I'm sorry...I didn't fall asleep on you, did I? ...I didn't want to bother you-"

"You've never bothered me once, Akiho-san."

The girl stared at him, misty-eyed. His expression was kind, but tinged with guilt. His figure against the starry ceiling reminded her of that fateful night, when he fought his stubborness and the monsters inside his head to go back to her.

The girl casted her eyes down and to the side, pink hue emerging on her cheeks once again. "Then...once you took that blanket...could you...could you get back here next to me?" she said softly, finding the courage to look up once again.

Kaito had already understood long time ago that he was done for. He knew that no matter how much he tried, he would've never been able to refuse anything to those blue eyes of hers. Especially if he wanted it himself, in the first place.

They stared at eachother for a moment, before Kaito breathed out the air he was unwittingly holding and said with a smile "I'd be happy to, Akiho-san."

Akiho beamed at him, sure more than ever that there wasn't any place on this Earth or in the entire cosmos where she could've felt safer, other than next to him.

#akiho shinomoto #yuna d. kaito #yunaaki #akiyuna #kaito x akiho #cosmos & crystals #spilled words #ccsakura #clear card arc #future fic #alright you need a LOT of imagination to recognize what the constellations are named after #lmao #I stand with Akiho #now if you excuse me I'll go buy a star projector #kaito is the usual smart guy unable to spell clearly his feelings #but compared to before we've grown a lot here #also a tiiiiiiiny bit of angst #what's their relationship status?#eeeeh kinda unclear they do lots of stuff couples do but they're not official yet

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gothamsfinestdummy · 2 years ago

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Brain just say he’s cute :/

#this was from a little while ago #not too long but I never posted it because I had plans to expand on it more but alas I don’t have time for such things #had a busy week around then #anyways #dark pinky disguised as.. uh.. pinky??#thought that would be fun #and I needed to throw in a way to signify that it is indeed DP :)#I was debating on adding scars and ripped ears #but then I thought: ok that’s too obvious #if this were a fic (or screw it here’s my excuse):#the reason he doesn’t have these is probably prosthetics or future stuff idk #might. uh. might write a one shot #bartart #pinky and the brain #brinky #dark pinky #I had to neaten up my handwriting lmao

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puhpandas · 5 months ago

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thinking so heavily about my Gregory movieverse fic rn

#like i have so much of it planned out already but its like the beginning stuff #its set up to be a multichapter but like im not in the mood to write a long plotty fic #i just want to write vanessa and gregory but to do that they need to have a story to be in to have a gradual relationship....😭#maybe ill make it as toned down as i possibly can if im actually wanting to write it #like plot is very easy to digest aka not that hard for me to write #i usually love crazy plotty multichapters but eh not this time #rip ghosts of the futures plotty crazy ending where burntrap took over gregorys body to try and cheat death and live in a youthful body #pandas.txt

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umbracirrus · 5 months ago

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WIP Wednesday! 💛

I actually scheduled this WIP post yesterday to be posted today just because we had a new internet provider set up today and I didn't know if there would be any issues. Luckily, it seems to be running great! Keeping it scheduled to post though!

A decently long WIP this week, with both Elyse and Balgruuf getting some sense talked into them after their argument about her fine. I'm probably posting a good chunk of a chapter of The Perfect Storm here 😅

I'm tagging quite a few of you this time!! Hehe :3 But of course no obligations to share if you don't want to! Tagging @thequeenofthewinter, @pitiable-arisen, @throughtrialbyfire, @bostoniangirl21, @your-talos-is-problematic, and anyone who wants to share their WIPs! 💛

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“Odahviing told me that you said that Jarl of Ahrolsedovah was helping you, protecting you by giving you shelter in his palace.” Paarthurnax stated, his words spoken to her, though it came across as more of an observation than anything. “Has this now changed, Dovahkiin?”

Elyse scowled frustratedly as she huddled against the wall atop the Throat of the World, her borrowed and oversized clothing given to her by Arngeir from the surplus donations left for the Greybeards held tightly against her body. “He was,” she grumbled, watching as the old dragon slowly moved to shield her from the most frigid of the winds. “Until he took matters into his own hands. The person I was trying to hide from decided to try and fine me for... reasons. I responded by ignoring it, because I didn’t commit any crime! Is wanting independence and the ability to make my own decision a crime?!”

Paarthurnax’s eyes narrowed towards her with how heated she was getting, so she took a few deep breaths before tilting her head back and sinking down into the snow beneath her. “But it was Balgruuf who took that from me instead, by handling my fine.”

“Did he tell you why he did so?”

“... N-Not really, no...”

That was a lie, and she knew it. Paarthurnax likely did too. He’d yelled that she was endangering Whiterun. But she didn’t know any more than that – how exactly was she endangering the hold? Or was he just frustrated that she hadn’t done anything and used that as an excuse?

“Then how do you know that he was, in your own words... ‘taking matters into his own hands’?” The dragon’s head lowered towards her, in a manner reminiscent of when she was a child and her father would kneel down to talk to her to let her know that what she had done was either wrong or reckless but didn’t want her to think that she was in trouble. “Perhaps... He thought that he was helping. That you would be safer if he were to do so. There are many questions which can be asked... But can only be answered by him.”

Elyse wavered in her frustration towards Balgruuf, before shaking her head, allowing it to bubble up once more. “It doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t discuss it with me first.”

“Hm. That is... True, yes, but would you have done it yourself even if he were to discuss the issue with you?”

She knew that he was correct, and frowned as she folded her arms over. “I... I don’t like burdening others with my issues. It just drags others into the chaos that has been my life since I made that stupid decision to leave Cyrodiil years ago. Balgruuf took on enough of them by letting me into his home...”

“Have you considered... That sharing your burdens may make them lighter? This Jarl seems to be looking out for your best interests, Dovahkiin. That is not something to be taken lightly. The Greybeards have also spoken to me of this Jarl... this Balgruuf. When you brought war to High Hrothgar to stop the unruly eldest, he was one of the few who did not want violence to dictate the peace. Who did not throw vitriol or bitter words. If this is true, I doubt that malicious intentions are behind his actions.” Paarthurnax rose once more, allowing the frozen winds to once more brush against her, and forcing her to stand up and conjure a small flame in her hands to counter some of the cold. “You should talk to him... That will help with clearing your mind and easing your burden. Perhaps the same will go for him too. I would imagine that he would be worried for you, as would everyone else that you left behind.”

As much as she wanted to argue back with him, something stopped her. Her anger had fizzled out, and had been replaced with a gut-wrenching anxiety. People would be worried. It was the middle of winter, she had left on her own without a word of where she was going... And she had left in what was worse than a bad mood. For all that they knew, she could have gotten herself killed.

She needed to get back to Whiterun.

“Sahvot, Dovahkiin. Have faith. Things may not be as bad as you currently perceive them to be.”

---

"I don't know what you are expecting me to say, Balgruuf. That you want me to pity you over this situation? That you want me to give you a little pat on the back and say 'there there'? Because if you do, I am most certainly not-"

"What? No, Irileth, I just-" Balgruuf took a deep breath as he ran his hands down his face. "Look, I am just trying to get my head around this all," he stated, starting to pace back and forth across his bedroom. He hadn't even wanted to be there in the first place, but after being caught in his study with some documents which needed reading through by Frothar – who had promptly tattled – he had been kicked out of there to get some rest. "Surely not having a bounty which was getting bigger by the week is a goodthing? I don't get what about that was enough to make Elyse angry or leave the way that she did!"

Irileth let out a frustrated puff of air from her nose. "Because you made an important decision about her without her. It's damn well obvious!"

"I needed to protect Whiterun-"

"And you promised to protect her."

"I-" His throat felt dry as not a single word came to him at that direct statement which made him freeze in his tracks. When he had made the decision to pay off that fine, his intentions had been to do achieve both of those statements – protecting both Whiterun and the Dragonborn. Getting Ulfric off both of their backs had to have been beneficial, he had been certain of it. The looming threat of an attack had been on their doorstep, it had been pushed back to give them space to breathe. But now… he was feeling uncertain. Uneasy.

"You welcomed her into Dragonsreach so that she could be safe."

His jaw tensed as he turned his back to his housecarl, and pressed his hands into the top of the drawers which were to his side. For a moment, he took in a few deep breaths to calm himself, in the hopes that the point had been made and he could take a moment to just think.

"For all that she knows now, all it takes is Ulfric Stormcloak throwing his demands about for him to get what he wants."

Irileth's words were both eye-opening yet horrifying. He had always appreciated her bluntness and her ability to assess a situation, but hearing it all directed at him now…

"How long will it be until you hand her over to him, saying that it's for the good of Whiterun?"

He had messed up.

"I would never-!"

"And how would she know that, Balgruuf?!"

#meg has done some writing #dragonborn oc elyse #balgruuf x dragonborn #fic - the perfect storm #i loved the contrast between these two scenes - essentially the same conversation (i.e. think about what the other was thinking)#but whilst paarthurnax is being calmer in an attempt to make elyse think rationally; irileth is giving balgruuf a verbal ass-kicking #this is probably going to be my last wip for the perfect storm for a short while because i want to have a few things hidden up my sleeve #for the 'kinda couple's first major argument even though they're technically not a couple yet' part of the fic #and though i have some future events planned out I need to figure out where I go after this #so once these chapters are posted it may be on a bit of a break as I pull my plans together in a more coherent manner #but I have other stuff for my beloved idiots in the pipeline and have actually been working on seeking on the sun quite a bit!

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starbuck · 9 months ago

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the best is when you watch a film for the billionth time and can STILL notice something new

#watched To Be Or Not To Be (1942) for the sixth?? seventh?? time tonight and noticed an INCREDIBLE reaction i hadn’t seen before #i am at peace 😌😌#i was feeling kinda freaked out and needed to watch something that wasn’t gonna make it worse #i also REALLY needed to rewatch it for… well… several reasons #but particularly one which will become clear in the coming weeks #(though i got a lot more out of it already - looking forward to my future rewatch when i’m done)#and i finally realized what i needed to do about [redacted]#the solution was so clear and simple! can’t believe i didn’t think of it before #now i just have to take my pick!#great stuff great stuff #really truly cannot WAIT to subject you all to this fic #it’s still very much In Progress - but the parts that are done are just…. 👌🏻👌🏻 *SO* good

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i-am-beckyu · 1 year ago

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Writing for me atm be like this:

and this

and also this

Oh and can't forget this!

Yeah writing has been going great recently......

#beckyu speaks #beckyu memes #beckyu snippets #brooooo me and writing atm been so weird lol #It's on and off writing sessions and I keep changing my mind on stuff lol #I also am starting to feel like it's been too long since I posted something which is starting to annoy me even though it shouldn't but like #also no? UGH it's hard to explain! Right now jornos kinda on like the back burner again because I really want to finish that chapter fic an #start posting it. But I don't to until it's finished but everytime I go back to work on the ending #I add like 100-500 new words a chapter and then the stuff I add I have to check makes sense for future chapters too and like I love that it #improves the fics quality but also I just wanna finish it! Curse my perfectionist needs writing this!#anyways if you read all this thank you. I love you and you deserve all the love in the world and many many lollipops <3

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romanitas · 6 months ago

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i did it..... i finally finished rereading blood of olympus for the first time since it came out..... it took literally all month, but i am a champion....

still utterly baffled by how utterly anticlimactic this book was, especially when you compare it to last olympian LMAOO. so many things i could say but i am simply choosing not to bc it's been ten years

#and there's so many things about it and stuff i've heard about future books that have me like rick i just wanna talk #i will eventually read more in the world bc i havent read any riordan past boo but i think i need a break #it took me two weeks to reread pjo and a whole ass month to get through blood of olympus #the motivation was just not there!!!#but we're back in it now i guess friends the pjo brainrot is real #rambling tomatoes #the fact that i want to write fic again is wild?? but lmao words

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zmediaoutlet · 8 months ago

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fic: the tonberry suite

have you ever loved something for twenty-seven years and then FINALLY work up the gumption and energy to write it? Yeah. So this is me self-indulging, at last.

title: the tonberry suite pairing: Cloud/Barret rating: E length: 6800 tags: Game: Final Fantasy VII Rebirth (2024); Gold Saucer (Compilation of FFVII); First Time; Friends With Benefits; Intercrural Sex; Size Kink; Slight D/s Elements

summary: At the Gold Saucer, the girls and Red run off for their downtime, leaving Barret and Cloud to get hotel rooms. They have a few hours to kill; Barret has a good idea how to spend the time.

(read on AO3)

Kid’s been acting weird since they got off the ship from Junon. Though, truth be told, kid’s been acting weird since Midgar. Odds are real good the kid’s been weird his whole life, but that’d be more Tifa’s call, and she’s too nice to say. “Any chance you gonna relax?” Barret says. Cloud stares straight ahead with his arms folded, boots shoulder-width apart like the freaky mako-wasting moving walkway ain’t nothing that could faze him, and Barret rolls his eyes, behind his shades. Yeah. That figures.

Long walk and a long day and a hell of a long week, though, and Barret’s due some downtime. He watches the streaking weirdness of the night blurring past the tunnel, fireworks and flashing lights and who knows what the hell else smearing the mako-green with strange colors. World moving under their feet. The girls are off somewhere playing, games and sparkly nonsense a distraction they need, probably. Long mission without a lot of light in it; he hadn’t wanted to waste the time but, hell, not like they hadn’t earned a night off. Especially since he’s feeling like he’s bruised from the top of his head to his heels with all the shit they’ve been getting heaped on ‘em, lately, and especially with…

“We’re here,” Cloud says, and takes a step forward, and sure enough the wacky walkway ends just as his boot moves from fake planet-killing speedway to cobblestone, and they look up to find—

“You gotta be kidding me,” Barret says, with the haunted hotel looming creepy and dark and just plain strange over their heads.

Cloud tips his face up, ghostly white in the shadows. “A hotel’s a hotel,” he says, quiet. He glances at Barret, quick, and then presses his lips together. “C’mon. They probably don’t have many rooms. Might have to share.”

Barret snorts. “Might have to,” he says, and watches Cloud duck his head, and resettle that fuck-off bastard of a sword on his back, and stalk forward like it ain’t no thing. Shit-hell of a day though it’s been, Barret can’t help but grin. Yeah. This is gonna go some kind of way.

That falling-apart dive of Johnny’s in Costa Del Sol was the first time he saw for sure, but not the first he suspected. In Midgar it was all chaos, and they were apart more than they were working together even after Barret had hired him at his exorbitant-ass prices. In Kalm they had rooms at the inn but after skedaddling down the road and hearing Cloud and Tifa’s godawful account of what had set them on this hunt they were all too dog-tired (apologies to Red) to do much more than collapse asleep, no more words exchanged. Then the road, and trading out sleeping in the tents and keeping watch, and clawing through caves and fiends and helping each other up out of the mud and saving each other’s lives, over and over and more times than he’d have thought possible, that first time when Tifa nervously introduced him to her childhood friend, this unsmiling little twerp in the uniform of the enemy who looked like he’d crack in two if Barret clapped his shoulder too hard, and who Barret was gonna dismiss out of hand because they needed real muscle for this mission, until the kid looked up, and met his eyes, and Barret saw that telltale unreal flicker of green.

Crazy, weird eyes. Cold half the time, the rest of the time mostly unimpressed, except those little moments Barret’ll catch, here and there. When a fight’s gone well and none of them are bleeding and he’ll turn and look at Barret’s chest, and then up to actually see his face, and he’ll be—maybe not smiling because that’s not something all those magic-infused muscles seem to know how to manage, but he looks—good, anyway. Glad. On the back of a chocobo with the wind in his stupid spiky hair and the sun on his face, looking like maybe death and pain aren’t top of mind, for once. And, every once in a while, looking one hundred percent his age, when one of the girls teases him, or when he’s reminded that there’s more to life than fighting, or when—say, just as an example—they’re sharing a decrepit room at a motel, and Barret’s claimed first shower because age before beauty’s got to work sometime, and he comes out toweling off and feeling less like hammered shit and Cloud sits up from his slump on the edge of the bed and looks where he might as well look because it’s not like Barret sees the point in covering up, when it’s just the guys and they got other crap to worry about, and he’s talking about hitting the beach and he’s thinking about where they’re headed next and he finds Cloud’s mouth parted and his eyes startled-wide and fixed low and he thinks, oh, there it is. Yeah. Something he’d half-wondered but put away because it hardly mattered, but—hey, there it was, after all.

He’s still pissed when they close the door on their room. Tonberry Suite. Fuck right the hell off. Little robot dude’s actually carrying a knife, like the little demons aren’t legit piss-off scary, merk your ass as soon as you get within five feet, like none of the goofy-ass ghosts and zombies and white-faced goth kid clerks ever could be. “Chill out,” Cloud says, and Barret says, “I’ll boot the creepy little shit out the spooky-ass window and maybe then I’ll chill out,” and Cloud rolls his eyes but, hey, there’s that expression again. Not all the way to smiling, but.

If this suite’s like the other then they’re set on beds, anyway. Two queen-sized on the one wall and an alcove in the back with another, set back behind drapes like that’s where the magic happens. All kinds of dumbass themed shit over the rest of the room—and that little Tonberry guy is looking at him, Barret swears to anything—but it’s beds and four walls and a door that locks and, hey, a bathroom. Good opportunity to shower off all the dust of the hometown he ruined. “Age before beauty,” he says, standing in the doorway.

Cloud shakes his head, setting that ridiculous sword up against the wall. “Just call dibs,” he says, like he’s too cool for school. “You’re not that old.”

“Yeah?” Barret says. “Well, maybe you’re just that pretty.” Gets the satisfaction of one of those startled-wide pretty-ass looks before he closes the door and he grunts. Score one, Wallace.

It’s a good shower. Someone’s paying a hell of a lot for this suite and the planet’s paying her share, too, so it oughta be. He comes out pummeled and mostly clean and smelling like some body wash that claims to be spiderweb soft, comfily thick black towel around his waist. Finds Cloud leaning against the wall by the window, looking out like there’s something to see besides the fake-thunderstorm effects, expression like he’s a thousand miles from here. In the shitty past or the gloomy future, Barret doesn’t know, but he ain’t having it. He was promised downtime.

“Your turn, Spiky.” A lifted shoulder, silence. Barret sighs. “C’mon, now. Red says your ass smells like blood. You wanna change that, while you got the chance.”

“My… ass,” Cloud says. Looks sidelong, slanted along his shoulder, and then his lips part again. For trying so hard to look cool he’s real bad at keeping his cards to himself. Barret’s holding the towel closed but he’s dripping on the floor and there’s a lot on display, he knows. He smiles, flat, and Cloud meets his eye and then closes his mouth and then clearly swallows, all the way across the room. Yeah. Yeah, it’s on.

Barret would’ve figured SOLDIERs would be efficient—whenever anyone asks the kid a question about his time in the service he tells some grim-ass story about control and training and everything sucking, so three minute showers would go right along with that—but Cloud’s in there for a while. Long enough that Barret steps back into his trousers, anyway, and finds the mini-bar, and makes a drink (whisky + ice cubes counts as a drink, not that he’ll tell Tifa that). He sits on the big bed at the back and listens to the rain. Fake, sure. Doesn’t sound like it. Thunder and the wind across the glass and the room dim, flickering candlelight, sconces glowing amber-red. The bed’s soft and the drapes are freakin’ velvet and it’s a cocoon, in here, like the rest of the doomed world don’t exist at all, and it’s about as far as he could get from Corel while being no more than, what, a half-mile above it. The desert stretching empty below. The wreckage so close he can see it whenever he closes his eyes.

Wrong kind of downtime. He pours a second drink, and then a third that he sets on the bedside table, waiting. The creepy little robot paces by, behind, emitting its weird humidifier-smoke. Cedar. Smell of the woods on fire. Barret breathes in deep.

Cloud finally comes out of the shower. “Took you long enough,” Barret says.

“Shut up,” Cloud says. He’s got one of the black towels around his hips, too, uniform folded neatly and boots swinging, tied over his wrist. Body a white flash against the stupid purple wallpaper, whiter when there’s a fake burst of lightning. He sets his clothes by his pack, at the foot of the bed closest to the door. Stands still, looking down. Covers the back of his neck with one hand, like… Barret doesn’t even know. What goes on in that strange head.

Not what he’s worried about, right now. “Well, don’t keep me waiting longer,” Barret says, and when Cloud turns he holds out the glass he’s had sitting there, condensation gleaming on the crystal. “Downtime.”

“Thought we were waiting until the new Heaven opened up,” Cloud says. He comes over, though, and takes the glass, so Barret can pick his own up again and hold it out. Cloud’s pale perfect little forehead gains a single line between his pale perfect little eyebrows, but he seems to remember human behavior after a second and clinks the rim of their glasses together, and takes a sip when Barret does. He doesn’t hiss or flinch or react at all to barrel-proof alcohol served nearly-neat. Freak. His tongue touches the center of his lower lip, briefly. “Hm.”

“Good shit, right?” Barret says. He tips the crystal against the light, watching how it glows amber. Watches Cloud’s face, behind it. “Yeah, I remember. And we’ll let our girl make us real cocktails when she gets that bar again. But it’s been enough of a day. Week. Shit. Enough of a life. They got a five hundred gil bottle in the bar and some cat’s paying for it? Think we deserve a taste, after all this.”

Cloud’s eyebrows raise, acknowledgment, and he looks down into his own glass. He’s wild, even just standing there. His strange, compact body. Anyone just seeing his face could mistake him for a woman, no question—Aerith told the story of just how many made the mistake back in Wall Market with vicious glee, ignoring how Cloud turned nine shades of red behind her while she did—but neck down there’s no question that this is a man. Slender as a girl, sure, but ripped where it counts, his shoulders curved with muscle, his waist and hips nipped narrow. Smaller than Barret, like most everyone is, but no frail thing, not breakable. Not oblivious, either, since as soon as he came out of the shower he glanced lightning-quick at Barret’s bare chest and shoulders and then south, to where he’d left his trousers lazily unzipped, and it’s—

“I figure we got a few hours, while the girls get all the running around out of their systems,” Barret says. Cloud squints a little, calculating, and then nods. Like it’s a battle plan they’re working out. “Yeah. So. Help me out, here.” He holds out the gun-arm.

Cloud blinks at him, startled again. For a hardcore SOLDIER-trained professional badass he sure takes his turn looking like a caught rabbit. “You can’t do that yourself?”

“Can,” Barret says. Shrugs, resting the whisky glass on his knee. “Easier if I got a partner to help out.”

One of those weird still watching moments. Cloud looking at nothing, who-knows-what thoughts passing behind his eyes. “Fine,” he says, and steps forward, and sets his hands on Barret’s arm, above the belted cover, barely damp from the shower.

Warm. Always a surprise whenever the kid’s skin touches his—seems like he should be radiating ice crystals, with how he acts half the time—and soft, like even with all that swordplay he doesn’t form calluses. The mechanism of the socket isn’t complicated and Cloud frowns down at it for a few seconds before he finds the latch, and pops it, and the release of tension from Barret’s forearm to elbow to shoulder goes through him like someone’s cast a cure spell, instantly better all the way to his toes.

He watches Cloud’s face while he finds the other latches. Frowning still, concentrating, but there’s a faint pink coming up across his cheekbones and ears. “Hey, kid,” Barret says. Flick of a glance, but Cloud’s starting to unscrew the main bolt that holds the gun into the socket and he turns back to that. “I ain’t trying to mess you around, here.”

“What does that mean,” Cloud says.

Three bolts down; Barret turns his arm over, palm up if he still had a palm, and lets the kid’s clever fingers make short work of the other half. “I’m saying, I don’t want this to be some kinda game, or confuse you, or tease, or nothing.”

The last bolt: a thunk kind of sound, and the assembly pops free, leaving Barret’s arm truncated in the steel socket that covers his elbow and where the rest of his arm was, and Cloud holding the weapon that makes him at all useful. He turns it over in his hands, curious. The broad base where the bolts connect to the socket, the gears, the internal materia-casing that makes the ammunition work. Barret’s seen it, is used to it, doesn’t care so much anymore, but he hasn’t seen someone else look at it, in a long time. Cloud frowns—of course, Cloud frowns—but clearly just trying to puzzle through the mechanism. It’s a weapon, and Cloud’s interested in those, but he looks up at Barret’s face after a few more seconds, his expression flat, cold.

“What,” he says. Distrust.

Barret shakes his head. “That’s what I’m saying. Ain’t no need for that. I ain’t teasing and I ain’t trying to make this anything it’s not. But—” He drains his drink and the whisky goes down hot, smooth, smoky-sweet, and sets the glass on the side table, and reaches out with his good left hand and cups Cloud’s bare side. God, he’s small—Barret’s hand spreading across his ribs and his thumb brushing up under the tight tiny furl of his navel—and Cloud takes a quick short breath, muscles tensing, except he couldn’t be all that surprised because he doesn’t move away, or flinch, or beat Barret’s brains in with the gun he’s still holding in both hands. Barret smiles and Cloud’s eyes—instead of squinting all bitchy or frowning or whatever else he’d expect, they get all wide again, startled, like—smiling wasn’t what he expected. This friggin’ kid. “Yeah. We got downtime. I figure, we might help each other out, maybe. ‘Cause I think maybe you been wanting to, huh? Maybe you been thinking about it, sometimes.” Cloud licks his lips, eyes dropping from Barret’s to his shoulder, his chest. “Ain’t ashamed to say I been thinking the same. You up for it, kid?”

Cloud takes a slow breath, his chest visibly rising. “That why you dropped a blanket over the Tonberry?” he says, after a second.

Flicker of a smile around his mouth. After waiting patiently through all this negotiation, Barret’s dick thickens in his trousers. He sits forward, slides his hand around to the small of Cloud’s back. “Don’t want the creepy little bastard watching, what can I say,” Barret says. Cloud rolls his eyes but does smile for real, close-lipped, and sets Barret’s gun on the table next to their whisky glasses, and Barret waits until it thunks down before he pulls Cloud in, gets him right between Barret’s knees, gets him close. Cloud’s hands land on his shoulders, tense, and Barret tips his head back, makes sure Cloud’s looking him in the eye. “To be clear,” he says, “I wanna fuck. Sound good?”

Cloud huffs. “Yeah, I got that,” he says. Nervy dart of his tongue to his lower lip, anyway. But then: “Yeah. Sounds good. But—”

“Don’t say it’ll cost me two grand,” Barret says, grinning, that hot held thing in his gut glowing like superheated ore. “Make me think you’re some other kind of merc entirely.”

“You wish,” Cloud says, and—hell, that’s a whole different world right there, unfolding in the imagination—but there he is, standing there caught between Barret’s knees, and Barret follows this kid into battle fifty times a day, trusts his orders and tactical mind more than he has anyone else in is whole life, but on this one it’s clear who’s leading and who follows, and it makes him—slide his hand gentle over Cloud’s belly, up over the skinny flat of his chest. Not smiling now, and not cool and confident and with that attitude like he’s saying fuck you to the whole world. His eyes open and surprised as any kid’s, when Barret knows the shit he’s waded through. Makes him fit his hand around the back of Cloud’s neck, thumb sliding up into the barely-damp silky soft of his hair, makes Barret pull him down—careful, guiding—and makes him kiss the kid gentle. His mouth as startled as his eyes. Breath catching in his chest, his hands gripping Barret’s shoulders so tight they might well bruise, but—after a second—he sucks in air, closes his eyes, kisses back.

Given a hundred guesses in the couple months they’ve known each other, Barret wouldn’t have pegged the kid as clumsy. That’s all it is, though, as Barret pulls him in, and gets him to climb up onto Barret’s lap—barely covered by the towel—and urges his arms around Barret’s neck, and keeps kissing him. Clumsy and maybe nervous, too, like…

Barret drags his hand down Cloud’s back, feels all that silky skin. Muscle rippling as he shrugs his shoulders, knees spreading on the bed either side of Barret’s hips. Squirming already. Barret pulls away from his mouth and kisses his jaw—no stubble, really is soft as a girl—and the side of his throat under his ear, breathing hot there in a way that’s been pretty surefire over his many years of experience, and—yep, Cloud clutches a hand to the back of his head, makes this hitched trapped little not-a-sound, like he doesn’t want to be caught enjoying himself. “Been a while,” Barret says.

Half statement, half question. Cloud shivers when Barret applies light teeth to his collarbone and then pushes him back, blinking fast, chest heaving. Looks down, and so Barret does too, and—yeah, there it is. Pushing out the front of the towel, stiff when Barret lays his hand over it, rubs. There already, damn. Has been a long time. “You good for two?” Barret says.

Cloud’s ears have gone from pink to dark red, his mouth half-open. “I—” Can’t seem to finish. Shudders when Barret closes his hand through the towel, feels his dick that way. His hips curl in and he shakes his head but it’s not no, it’s—

“Well, let’s just see,” Barret says, his own dick surging thick. He squeezes again, easily handling the whole thing, lets Cloud push forward into him, and then he takes his hand away—wait, Cloud breathes, but Barret shushes him, says, “C’mon now, help me out,” and tugs at the towel, and Cloud blinks at him confused before he lifts up on his knees and drags the thing away, tosses it to the side, and—yeah, there it is, his dick flushed-pink and stiff and hot when Barret wraps his hand around it bare, tugs, thumbs over the head where it’s peeking out of his foreskin, makes the kid shudder shoulders to hips to thighs, quivering. Doesn’t seem to know how to handle it at all but it’s hot as fuck just for that—Barret wraps his bad arm around to brace as best he can, the socket probably digging cold into Cloud’s back but he doesn’t seem to care, since he arches, curls his hips in little spasms, humping into Barret’s hand, and he comes in a minute flat, his hands gripping Barret’s shoulders, his eyes screwed shut and his face almost in pain until he’s spurting between them, striping Barret’s bare chest white, his eyes flying wide and shocked like he didn’t know what was gonna happen, like it’s a surprise.

“Goddamn,” Barret says, and he says it admiring but Cloud bites his lips together, turns his face away. “Nah,” Barret says, quick, “nah, see—” and he squeezes Cloud’s dick again—still stiff, slick now, head shiny-pink and sensitive—flips his hand around and drags his bare palm down the spine of the thing, curls his fingers under the tight smooth little package of his balls, behind, almost to his asshole. Soft, hairless. Alien creature almost except that that’s real jizz on Barret’s belly and warm skin quivering against his and a real, normal expression as Cloud frowns, slides his eyes over. Embarrassed and wanting to be told it’s okay. “Hot as hell, man,” Barret says. He leaves off petting Cloud’s crotch and drags his hand over his own belly, white smearing in the hair. “Got a backlog for me?”

“Shut up,” Cloud says, breathless sort of, and when Barret grins at him he rolls his eyes but seems to settle, maybe. Dick softer but not all the way to soft—joys of youth, right there. Long time since Barret was twenty-one and he wouldn’t go back for love nor money, but there are some advantages. He raises his eyebrows, tips his chin up, and in his lap Cloud’s barely an inch higher than him but it’s nice, sweet almost, how the kid licks his lips, and clearly has to decide to lean down and offer the kiss Barret’s asking for. Makes this little sound in his chest when he does it. If they didn’t have a hell of a to-do list in real life Barret would want to book this stupid room out for a month and see what other sounds he could drag out, past all that try-hard coolness and pretending.

But that’s later, maybe, if ever, and his dick’s straining in real time right now. “So…” he says, leaning back.

Roll of thunder from the hotel’s stupid sound system. “So?” Cloud says, arching an eyebrow—oh, he has to have practiced that move in a mirror—but when Barret’s jaw drops because—he can’t seriously—Cloud’s mouth curves, and he looks all over Barret’s face, and then pushes him back, harder, not as strong as he could be but enough that Barret drops back to his elbows, spread out on the bed. He’s inspected, and it’d look like cool analysis except Cloud’s ears are still that telltale red and his chest is flushed nearly the same color as his cockhead, standing out plump. Feels weird except there’s that echo of all those post-fight cooldowns and that shower and seeing it right in the kid’s face, as he drags his eyes over Barret’s chest and his abs and down, to where there is most definitely a lump swelling out the front of his fatigues, about as up for it as he’s been in years.

“Wanna see?” Barret says. He knows the answer but it’s gratifying anyway to see Cloud nod, and lift up on his knees to make room, and to shove the waistband down one-handed and let his dick, ah, spring out into the open. More gratifying to see that stupid expression on the kid’s face again, what’d make Barret laugh out loud if he didn’t have the ounce of sense in his head that’s kept him alive all these years.

To his credit, Cloud may be clumsy but he sure as shit ain’t shy. He reaches down and gets Barret’s dick in this underhanded grip, not tight enough and not quite right but it’s a warm hand that’s not Barret’s own and that goes a hell of a long way toward making it a better day. Barret hums, approving. Watches, propped up, while Cloud tests the weight, the thickness. His hand closing around it but only just. Barret’s not exactly vain but even after all these years of messing around with people it still does something to him, just a little. Not the size of his own equipment but seeing how they react. How this one reacts, when Barret would’ve expected indifference at best, but instead his chest lifts on a deep breath and he licks his mouth and he looks downright wild, like he’s been starving and here’s a three-course meal laid out, all his for the taking.

Not that he’s doing much taking. “Don’t mean to rush you,” Barret lies.

Cloud’s eyes sweep up. “No wonder you make such dumb decisions,” he says, and squeezes—ah—right there under the head. Learns quick. “No way you got enough blood to run your brain and this thing at the same time.”

“I make it work,” Barret says, “and screw you besides, and—god damn, kid, if you don’t—”

Cloud grins at him—an honest-to-god toothy grin, like Barret’s never seen on that porcelain doll miserable little face—and drags his hand down, cups Barret’s nuts, takes a deep breath. Bites his lower lip then. “I want…” He shakes his head. “Shit. I don’t—”

“Anything’s good with me, man,” Barret says, meaning it, not least because his dick’s fuckin’ begging at this point, with warm weight in his lap and the anticipation winding his spine so tight he feels like a volcano desperate to burst.

A soft dragging thumb over his sack, more than filling Cloud’s palm. His fingertips trace a dragging little path through the bush, up the trail to Barret’s navel. Teeth back in his lip.

Barret lays his hand on Cloud’s belly. “‘Less you want me to handle it.” Flash of relief that makes Barret want to pat him on the friggin’ head like a little kid, which isn’t exactly the image he needs right now, but hell if ain’t hot in its way, too. Little fucker’s always hot, which is half of why they’re here in the first place. “Alright,” he says, sitting up, “watch and learn,” and Cloud rolls his eyes and starts to say, “Yeah, right—” except that Barret kisses him, and it’s muffled, and Cloud doesn’t seem to mind so much that he’s not allowed to finish it.

More thunder, more lightning-strike coursing through the room. Barret hitches Cloud closer, holding him tight at the small of his back, their dicks pressing together—ah—sweet. Cloud’s hips curl in, instinct, hardening up for real again, especially when Barret kisses his throat, and his collarbone, and his absurdly pale nipple, lapping and making it tight as a bullet, provoking one of those tiny choked not-sounds that makes Barret lift his head and say, “Kid, how’m I ‘sposed to know if it’s good if you won’t let it out,” and Cloud blinks at him empty-headed until Barret drags his thumb over the nipple again, deliberately rough over the wet skin, and gets this hurt little grunt and Cloud tightening his thighs around Barret’s hips and, yeah, his dick all the way hard, ready to go again. He closes his hand around both their dicks and Cloud spasms, breath heavy, grabbing Barret’s biceps as much as he can. Looks down between them and so Barret does, too, and it’s—yeah, something else, to see the contrast. Not like Cloud’s got anything to be embarrassed about, it’s a nice little handful, pretty as a picture like every other damn thing about him, but pressed together Cloud’s all rosy petite pink to thick hefty dark, silk-smooth to hairy-rough, and the size—”What’s that, half?” Barret says, not mocking or teasing but just knowing, somewhere in the pit of his gut, that it’ll make Cloud—yeah, let out this thin whining moan, his fingers tracing the thick vein up the side of Barret’s shaft, kissing the head, feeling how much bigger. “You got it bad, kid,” Barret says, grinning, and Cloud pushes up and kisses him, to shut him up maybe, but Barret doesn’t mind that, either.

He meant it when he said he didn’t want to tease, though. He gets his hand under Cloud’s ass and flips them, gets Cloud’s thighs spread around his hips, his head tipping back on the bed, spread like an offering. Touches Cloud’s nuts again—one leaping in the sack, damn he’s hot for it—and then behind, and then back all the way, rubbing, a test. “You done this before?”

Cloud, staring up at the canopy. Expression flickers, strange. Nervous? “I…”

Barret presses with his middle finger, testing. “Don’t want to break you in half, Cloud,” he says. “Be honest on this one.”

Strange look in Cloud’s eye when he lifts his head. “We got materia for that, right?”

“Shit,” Barret says, imagination leaping in again—and the idea of being so up for it that he’d hurt that much, just to get it in, to get there—but no, no, not this time—god, he hopes soon, but not this time. He leans down and kisses Cloud again just for thinking it and then lifts up, grabs Cloud’s hip, flips him over—his dick leaping and crying at how easy the kid goes to his belly, letting Barret handle him like it’s nothing when he’s such a prickly bitch the rest of the time—and he shudders, gathers his elbows under him, braces like he’s ready for pain, like that’s all he’s expecting. But, no—Barret’s leaking he’s so ready, he’s been waiting long enough, and he can’t quite explain like he oughta but they’ve been working together long enough he’s got to trust that Cloud can follow his lead—he braces his socket by Cloud’s shoulder, spits in his palm and slicks his dick, pulls Cloud’s hips up—the kid going with it, because he’s crazy as hell—and it feels wild just to slide his cockhead against the kid’s pretty white ass, splitting the cheeks, dragging wet, pressing forward all the way so his pubes are crushed in against the pale skin and his cock’s dripping over the small of his back. Cloud’s back heaves as he drags in air, his hips tipping up. “Just—just do it—” he says, gasped thin, and Barret does pull back, dick gliding maddeningly up so close to what he can imagine would be heaven, furled tight, pale and small like the rest of him—but he ain’t an actual all-the-way bastard and so he just pushes forward, sliding his dick up between Cloud’s thighs, bulling past his sack, dragging where he’s warm and smooth and feels plenty good.

“Like that,” Barret says. Panting already, shit. Cloud looks over his shoulder, frowning muzzily, mouth open. Barret slides two fingers in and Cloud blinks at him, lets Barret drag sloppy over his tongue, and only seems to get it when a wet grip closes over his dick, Barret’s hand covering the whole thing again, curling down to touch, shit, his own dick pushing forward between Cloud’s thighs. “Close ‘em tight, huh?”

He stares over his shoulder, shuffles his knees together, makes it—tight, not slick enough but tight, hell—and then licks his own hand, reaches down, lets Barret push forward into his palm, cups and makes a tunnel for Barret to push into, knocking Barret into the underside of his own dick, taking Barret’s lead, arching his back and pushing his ass back so their hips clap together, so close to fucking for real that Barret almost doesn’t miss the real thing. Except—”Next time, baby,” he says, and his nuts surge at how Cloud’s eyes do that startle-flash, “next time, huh? I’ll get in there like you want. Spread you wide. You want that? Want me in there?”

No response but he hardly expected one. Cloud’s breathing harder than he ever does in the middle of a fight, squeezing Barret’s dick when it fills his hand, his head dropping between his shoulders, his bare shoulders and neck the perfect target for Barret to sink his teeth in—oh, and that gets a real moan, Barret’s mouth on the vulnerable knob at the top of his spine, his whole body sinking, knees sliding on the plush coverlet. Barret closes his thighs around Cloud’s, keeps him steady, bracing—the hot tunnel hotter now, sweat and smearing, Cloud’s small hand knocking them together, and Barret reaches down and covers Cloud’s hand, their fingers lacing, pressing up tight and close to Cloud’s belly, feeling how close he is with his nuts tight against the base of his little dick—”Shit, kid, you gonna beat me there?” Barret says, rough, laying flat out almost on his back. Cloud shakes his head, but just confused seems like, this whining high edge lacing every breath. Barret grins, hooks his chin over Cloud’s shoulder, breathes hot against the sweating curve of his throat. “Yeah, you are, aren’t you? C’mon, now. I’m in charge. You show me how good it feels.” Cloud presses back into him, his back curved up into Barret’s chest, his face turning so Barret can kiss his jaw, nose against his cheek. “Yeah, you got it. Now you just gotta let it go. That’s an order, SOLDIER.”

The sound Cloud makes could make Barret cream himself if he were lost in a snowfield, half-dead and unsure if help were ever gonna come. As is the kid shudders, lurching between Barret and the bed, his hand flashing back to grab Barret’s hip and pull him in harder, unnaturally strong, grip hard enough it’ll bruise. Barret takes over, cupping his spurting dick for the second time—shit, load feels as thick and strong as it was on the first go, he really does have a backlog—and it’s right there in the base of his spine, this coiling tense thing building up like reaching his limit in a fight, his balls clutching up and his dick swelling and he sinks his teeth into Cloud’s shoulder not to shout to the whole damn hotel and—ah, finally—

Dizzy for a few seconds. Fuck, it has been a long time since it was anything other than his left hand. He re-arrives in his brain in stages: loosening his jaw, and taking a deep breath, and flexing his cramped knuckles. Everything slick, sweet, enough to fuck carefully forward and smear around, making it last. Cloud’s hand’s locked onto his hip but Barret shifts his weight on his bad arm, making enough room that he can be sure the kid can take a full breath. Toothmarks in a ring on his shoulder. Barret kisses there, and then blows cool air, and is glad Cloud’s still got his face buried in his own folded elbow when he shivers all over, because hell if Barret’s gonna be able to hide the grin on that one. He really doesn’t want to tease, not yet, but he’s getting enough material for a year, here.

Speaking of—”You gotta let me go,” Barret says. Cloud makes a dazed little huh? and Barret honestly could scoop him into a bear hug. “Need my leg back here, man. We gotta clean up.”

Cloud turns his head. “Right,” he says, weak, and unclamps his hand and his thighs both, stretching out under Barret’s body.

Barret presses up on his elbow and Cloud shivers, again, muscle jumping in his thighs. Easy to urge him over, a clumsy tumble of elbows and sleek white body under Barret’s bulk, although he seems nervous, for some reason. Barret knocks his chin up with two fingers and Cloud meets his eyes. Not startled and not fuck you and not dead indifferent but some other thing entirely. “So,” Barret says. He raises his eyebrows. “That suck?”

Cloud blinks at him, lips parted, and then huffs, one of those tiny smiles starting at the corner of his mouth. “Guess not.”

“Oh, he guesses,” Barret says. He slides his thumb under Cloud’s lower lip, fair warning, and leans down slow, and is rewarded by Cloud lifting up a half-inch to meet him. Slow, sticky kiss. Soft. When Barret lifts up again Cloud looks like he could get knocked over with a feather. Cute as hell, which wasn’t how Barret expected to feel after a mutual relaxation attempt but—shit, he’ll take it. He pushes up on his good arm. “Maybe next time we don’t gotta deal with a haunted hotel for atmosphere.”

“Next time,” Cloud repeats, in a strange tone. His eyes drop from Barret’s mouth to his chest to his dick, laying soft but still thick up against Cloud’s hipbone, and his jaw clenches, and his eyes are more what Barret’s used to when he looks back up and says, “Just because you’re scared of the robot.”

“Hey, now,” Barret says, pushing upright. He lifts a finger. “Not scared. Creeped. The thing’s creepy. You just ain’t creeped because you got twenty screws loose.”

Cloud sits up, rolls his eyes. “Sure,” he says. Still with that little smile.

Thunder, again. Cloud glances at the window, sighs. Something settling over his shoulders, again, but—Barret thinks, maybe—a little less. He hopes. Or, shit, maybe not helped at all, but mutual orgasms rarely made things worse, in his experience. He ducks back into the stupid haunted bathroom, mops up. Buttons his trousers one-handed and shrugs back into his shirt and vest and brings a wet washrag out to where Cloud’s still sitting on the edge of the bed, naked and gleaming, rubbing his forehead. Hell of a sight but Barret’s got to put it away. For a while, anyway.

“I’m going to see what’s going on in this shitshow,” he says, tossing the rag. Cloud catches it, easy. “You should rest. Some shut-eye’ll do you good. Maybe you’ll be a little less weird, huh?”

Cloud’s shoulders curve in. “Maybe,” he says. Really does sound tired. Barret grabs his gun, braces it against the table until the main latch clicks and then twists his arm, locking it in place, spinning the bolts along the socket. He’s had a lot of practice. Cloud watches, holding the rag in both hands, and then says, “Hey. You mean that? About—about next time.”

Sitting there, not quite looking Barret in the eye, he looks… his age. Barret flexes his arm, makes sure the gun’s properly in place, and then picks up Cloud’s chin again, makes him look all the way up. One of the prettiest things Barret’s ever seen, truly. Lifetime to date. “I think just about any time you want it, you tell me, and barring the world blowin’ up and days needin’ saved I’ll drop trou and do my best. Won’t have to pay me no two grand, neither.”

No smile, but this little nod against Barret’s hand. Like it’s a bargain made, either way.

“Good, then,” Barret says, and lets the kid go, and walks over to the door. When he looks back Cloud seems a little more like the merc he hired all those weeks ago. Just naked, in more ways than one. He points, makes his voice firm. “Get some sleep.”

“Sure, boss,” Cloud says, dry, and Barret leaves the suite before he can do any damn-fool thing like go back over there and cover the kid with his body and drum up the enthusiasm to do the whole thing over again.

He stands in the corridor, not really taking in the stupid black velvet and the dripping sconces and the spooky organ music piped from the ceiling. His body relaxed, even if the problems of the planet are flooding back up to the top of his mind. Responsibility and history settling down in their accustomed yoke. He shrugs his shoulders, takes it. Thinks maybe it won’t be so long until there’s a little more downtime, to make the load easier to bear.

#cloud/barret #final fantasy vii #my writing #this is a real shot in the dark #and i know no one follows for this stuff #but seriously: i have loved this game since 1997 #these characters are in my veins #i have needed barret to top the shit out of cloud since approx '97 as well #doesn't get all the way there this time #but maybe in a future fic #also: it's amazing how much of a mental break this felt like #i have like 1 mil+ words of spn fic on ao3 #this is the writing equivalent of a trip to costa del sol

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