#i need tasks that fill the time
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I called in sick today, and while it was good for my mental health I don't know if it was worth $100 off my next paycheck, and I still have to go in tomorrow, so all I did was kick the can down the road and piss my boss off.
#what I need is passive income#or at least an active job that doesn't make me want to kill myself#i need things to do#i need tasks that fill the time#tasks that don't have to deal with tourists#i hate customer service#with a burning passion
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#not sure how long I can go on feeling like this#like its fine im fine im not going to do anything permanent or harmful#but my tolerance for discomfort I am finding out is absolutely in the fuckingn ground#which makes a lot of sense considering the amount of coping mechanisms I’m using To numb on a regular basis#but holy fucking shit I can’t keep feeling like this#i need to start feeling like myself again#i don’t feel like myself#i feel no creativity#no spark#no interest#everything is difficult#even everyday tasks like putting on makeup feel like climbing a mountain#and I feel so ashamed for the struggles#and Caige keeps telling me to be gentle with myself#but I feel like I can’t be because if I’m gentle with myself than I’m scared I’ll never get out of this pit#i feel like I just need to power through it#was googling#‘how to get over burnout without taking a break’#and it’s like. ‘how to fill up your car with gas without putting any gas in the tank’#but I’m so fucking stubborn I feel incapable and unwilling to give myself time or space#which is dumb because it’s not like I’m making any progress with the way things are going now#im just exhausted#sleeping so much#don’t know how to get back to myself#rabbit rambles#no need to say anything I just needed to get this off my chest
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the fact that i immediately landed an awesome job right out from graduation but then got covid in august and now my brain doesn't work right and i might lose my job because of it . there's a funny joke in here somewhere maybe
#txt#haha. like. how lucky was i to get this job. and unlucky to get sick and have my brain fucked over#also a loss of time perception. time does not move for me it feels like 7am still and its 10am#i feel like i got lobotomized. brainfog and much less of a filter of what i say/do and fatigue etc#shortness of breath when im stressed too. fucking annoying#i keep fucking up on the simplest tasks at work. literally filled out a simple form wrong that i've been doing right since day 1#and my supervisor is patient and i tried explaining brainfog but idt she takes it seriously and she gets more annoyed the more i screw up#and like. i need this job!!!!!!!!!!! it pays disgustingly well!!!!!! but if i cant do simple tasks right anymore then what am i even doing#ive had this stuff since late august but its so much worse suddenly and i dont know why :((#to be deleted /#<- if i can even remember i made this post at all LOL someone shoot me
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As the manager I like to Lead By Example
Take my breaks on time, do not come back early or work through them
Clock in as soon as I get in, even if I'm early
Do Not Clock Out until I'm for sure done and going out the door
Finished all my Tasks and there are no customers? I have my knitting and a book with me at all times. Or my phone. I'll dick around on my phone when it's slow too
Do Not Take Shit from jerk customers. Kill them with perfectly polite kindness, but don't take shit.
If you're not available for a shift you're not available. No justification needed.
STAY HOME WHEN SICK WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT THIS JOB ISN'T WORTH YOUR WELLBEING
#I actually do sometimes do a little work while im on my break- especially if they get swamped and need someone to ring or fill#but its always with a DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO caveat#if i could just kill the industrial coal baron in my employees heads. theyre like jumpy horses#any time they dont have a Task theyre desperately trying to find something to do#like. chill my dude. if youve done all the things then you're being paid the Wait for Customers. and if there are no customers do whatever
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Anyone else have near-perfect executive function at work; but at home, have literally no energy or motivation to do anything except lie in a dark room, with something in or on your ears for several hours?
#It’s got to be the schedule keeping me on task at work#I love microdosing strict routines (not having an actual routine for the day; but having routines for small tasks#which piss me off if I can’t carry them out precisely the way I planned)#For instance: If I’m asked to paperclip a bunch of stuff together with multicolored paperclips of various sizes#I cannot just indiscriminately pick paperclips from the container because that is WRONG and ILLEGAL#The colors must fit the theme of the assignments; and the colors must alternate in a specific order#and the paperclips must all be the same size#If I’m asked to dump out and clean containers of writing utensils I am going to sort them by type and color#whether you like it or not#Black permanent markers have their own container in a different section from the blue permanent markers#Dry-erase markers are not to be mixed with permanent markers because they are easily confused and it is WRONG and ILLEGAL#Do not fuck with the system. It’s the only organizational skill I have and by fucking GOD I’m going to use it in EXCESS#I stuff and fill out envelopes the exact same way every time because if I do it any other way it is WRONG and ILLEGAL#The stamp always goes on last to minimize monetary waste if there is a mistake#Now you’d think my room is squeaky clean and organized because of how particular I am about these small tasks#Right? Right?#NO IT IS NOT. It looks like a bomb went off. Cleaning the room is a big task which cannot be accomplished within two hours#therefore I have discarded it as anything I need a routine for because it would take too long to come up with#and it is very hard for me to do things like that without instructions or a sense of consistency#So I simply don’t#“After five years the dust doesn’t get any worse” correct; but the mold certainly does#I am convinced half my problems with organization as a kid would have been solved if I just had a hamper#“We have a clothes chute; you don’t need a hamper” Maybe you don’t but I DO#I want one now; but I’m going to use it as incentive to get an apartment#because that’s another thing I need to smuggle and I have too much already
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its been a long time since i found a game that had me excited for whats to come
this is a me thing that im talking about below... usually when i play games, its mainly about it preoccupying my brian with tasks and goals. this is why i gravitate towards sim and management games! to me thats whats enjoyable
i feel like its rare that i just play something just cause its fun to me if that makes sense. and i think infinity nikki is managing to do that like im not progressing through the story super quickly and kind of just letting myself explore, dress up and take pictures at my own pace and im really hoping it stays like this for me for a long time
#this doesnt apply to VNs btw i play those purely for story like 95% of the time lol#im mainly talking about games with actual moving gameplay if that makes sense#anyways im really excited for houses#im gonna fill mine with plushies if possible#but like seriously i feel the last time i felt like this was...#probably when i was a child and i first really started getting into mmos#stuff like toontown and pixie hollow and neopets online etc etc#maybe its just a me getting older thing but like...i really do just get into doing the tasks and consider that enough#and im not saying i dont like doing tasks and like setting goals for myself (i like these types of games)#or that i dont play for other reasons too like story#its just nice to switch it up sometimes and just be in the experience and not thinking about what i need to do next#and tbf there have been times when im dragged into game for task reasons when thats not the point of the game!#unfortunately ffx1v was one of those games for me#so i didnt see the point of paying monthly you know#honestly if it wasnt subscription based id probably play more but id like touch the game once or twice a week to make progress#or play with friends#since i wasnt really getting pulled into the world#then for time princess its become more about doing dailies and collecting stuff#my otome gachas i still have...i dont even read the stories anymore i just log in to complete dailies so i can collect cards#tw/st im there for the story but it still falls into me mainly logging in everyday to complete tasks and lvl up cards#since im not always in the mood for reading the story#i think with nikki im gonna have to definitely let myself not log in EVERYDAY to do dallies#once the initial exitement goes away#i should just play when the mood strikes so it doesnt become another game i log in to everyday for those dailies#im not too worried about it because like i said im not desperately trying to get through the story and collect stuff#and im fine getting whatever clothes i happen to get while playing#but still that daily stuff can become tedious and is part of the reason i dropped d33pspace even though i liked it#if ur not careful before u know it a game becomes a chore#and fomo has an easier time setting in#infinity nikki
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make it make sense that I enjoy doing my job (especially the tedious parts) when I am off the clock, but as soon as I am supposed to be working I'd rather be doing LITERALLY anything else????
#like im having so much fun prepping all my TEAMS posts for Monday and doing SLEUTHING to figure out who owns this one meeting rn#but come Monday im gonna whine and groan and try my best to avoid my job as much as is reasonable. like??#and this happens often. I love doing remedial tasks at 2am. plugging shit into the glossaries that I dont care about woooooo hell yeah.#doing a quick audit on Tuesday at 10pm? yes. easy. takes 30 mins at MOST.#but like. ask me to update glossaries or make posts on TEAMS or do adults between 7am and 4:30 pm??? ABSOLUTELY NOT I will drag my FEET#If I really wanna psychoanalyze myself... I think that what's happening is that my work isnt interesting to me and I find it too easy#and really boring. and if im bored and dont care. it HURTS its SO HARD its PAINFUL to drag my brain through the mud to do it#and so I thus hate my job. BUT. the exact work I do for my job is what I ENJOY doing in my real life. I love organizing and scheduling#and prepping and alll that shit. like I work as an admin assistant at my job but like. I LOVE BEING AN ADMINISTRATOR FOR MY REAL LIFE!!#so when im off the clock and im in *sort my life out and prep for the future* mode of COURSE work is fun!! thats how I get my dopamine!!!#but I dont wanna be doing that ALL THE TIME cause like. tbh its kinda a stress response. so like. I want to do work that fills other needs.#I wanna do work that makes me hyperfixate and get super curious and challenges me and makes me think analytically and learn a ton#but my job doesnt do that. and my brain thus sorts the work I get paid to do as work that I do on my own time#thus I am really productive when im off the clock and dont do SHIT during the times I put down on my timesheet that I am working#shit still gets done but like.... at what cost?.#googoogajoob
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ive been talking too much lately i need to shut up like actually
#goof ass mental issue#its bc i dont have a filter anymore and im really fuckin bored#maybe i should redownload vampire survivors? but that's not going to even remotely fill the gap in my soul#now that school is (mostly) out#and i finished reading american psycho it was pretty good i give it 10/10#um.... i dont like watching shows and i don't want to draw or do computer stuff because it requires me to be vertical for too long#maybe i'll do the google cybersecurity course? it's supposed to take 6 months but im sure i can do it in 7 days#but i wanted to finish my final first so i have 100% of my time for that#umm...... noo........ i need a Task#yap#what i actually want to do is go to sleep but it's too early it will look suspicious
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i rlly fucking hate where i live sometimes lol =_=
#egg.txt#i cant do errands on any day other than saturday#all the shops are closed when i get out of work and on sundays + theres limited bus services#but now ive been waiting all day for this damn parcel and they havent showed up yet and if i dont accept it in person#they damage it by throwing it over the wall or they deliver it to the wrong people or leave it on the street where it gets stolen#(as in that is literally what has happened every single other time)#so im stuck here until it shows up#but i need to go out to pick things up for tomorrow cuz im going to a christening#and irrationally its like dude its goingto be fine but im having my freak out#likeugh i ahte being autistic brat number one i fucking start losing my mind once the schedule falls apart#its like the preordained tasks / events i have in my mind if i cant do them in order i start spiralling for days and itslike stop ittt#because now eveyrthing starts to pile up again fuck me because i cant ufcking do the one fucking thing i need to do everything else STOPPPP#[shakes myself]#i think i need to be fucking put down man#or maybe this is just another instance of sad little existence filled with nothing meltdown
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they say that "time heals all wounds" but i honestly think that upping my anti-depressants has done more for me
#.jokes#hashtag comedy#ok but actually. upping my dosage has rocked my world this last week#i hope this continues!!!!!!!#today is The Day im Feeling It#still a very tired busy guy but at least im not explodingexplodingexploding#also on a serious note. time just passes. it passes no matter what. time is not a remedy to trauma#time will go on but you may get stuck on loop. therapy. unpacking what happened to you. finding coping mechanisms that#work for you. medication maybe. these r things that help#the pain still exists. and it can be just as strong depending on the trauma. but hopefully the time between incidents/episodes lessens#fill the space where u feel capable and free with love laughter joy. fill it with little tasks that set you up to have a better time when#things r feeling bad again#sometimes ill do smth as small as writing out a phone number i need to call in the morning Just to cut out the step of googling it in the#morning. bc in the morning The Phone Call may seem monumental and impossible. but a lil bit less so if everything i need (#the number & what i wanna say) are written out before me#also also. last thing. the beginning of this is to be read exactly how the person in ''it could take 5 or 6 stores or just 1'' says it#thank u.#.txt#maria is literally just rambling. hi#personal#yes this ok to reblog. its meant to make u snort#mental health#/pos#silly hour!
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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Me, the project manager for my senior project: please fill out the when to meet so we have a weekly check in.
Everyone: 😎😎😎👍
Conner: 😠😠😠👎
#conner fill out the when to meet I swear to god#I like project managing when everyone does the tasks I give them#fill it outttt#I need to knowwww#else the meeting is going to be a time you can’t dooooooooo
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also in the spirit of trying to foster a healthy sense of accomplishment instead of immediately moving on to stress about the next thing: today I finally I finished all my hours for project/internship credit for my minor, which was my main source of stress for this semester ngl
#had a rough time of it tbh#the work was actually fine most of it involved me playing around in photoshop#but the problem was. I did not take as long as we thought to do the tasks...so I wasn't going to get enough hours#even though I was very clear the whole time about how many hours I needed#ended up having to ask to get another one of my jobs to count as well and it was a whole thing and very up in the air for a while#actually still stressed lol bc the guy in charge mentioned something abt evaluation forms I need to get filled out? but he has not been#very communicative#to say the least#actually I don't want to think about this anymore goodnight
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once again fellas, its time to Stress
#i still havent applied to a single job this month cause listings to stuff i could actually do full time dont exist#im limited on all physical mental and educated side so my what i can reasonably apply for is. not a lot#and with them now stopping to list summer jobs. theres like fuck all left whatsoever#and the month is halfway through and they most likely wont be getting much better as we go on#on top of that three of the four places i applied for last month have taken the listings down and i have not heard anything back#i mean i think one place said they start going through them early april but the other two? just gone and no contact#both positions were said to be filled asap and its been like two weeks so :) fuck me i guess#AND now im sitting here like. okay if i dont get a job school applications are open for two weeks#i looked at one place and their application tasks and immediately got so overwhelmed#i have no hope in this world fellas. i dont belong here im not meant to do anything in here. i dont fit anywhere and nobody wants me#im so close to a mental breakdown again YAY#i know you dont care i just need to barf this somewhere sorry im gonna go. yall dont need this either like said i dont fit anywhere#night is an absolute mess on main
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planted a couple of peppers and six tomater plants today….. i especially hope the purple and black tomatoes come out because i like to have some different variants of color popping through the growth in the garden, but i know that better boys grow pretty well here
i cut down the carrot tops to the root last season because they were mostly for decorative foliage but they regenerated their leaves very well and the blossoms are kind of pretty in all their delicate glory
there’s already purple amaranth popping up voluntarily in places where the sprinkler water pools and there are places where it’s blended into the lawn
#I needed the exercise and time outside anyway#so i feel satisfied for having filled both needs and having accomplished a task#the soil is very humus-y despite the dry climate because we let some of the dead plants from the prior season soften up in the ground#it’s a very rich brown for being desert earth because my dad also used a good amount of peat moss and manure in it the year before
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few things drive home how fucking pointless the 8 hour workday is than when i work from home with a cold and spend 3/4 of the day pissing about on the internet and playing subway surfers
#personal post#now granted there are busy periods#and i am procrastinating on a few tasks that are menial and boring#but god knows i'll need something to do when i'm back in the office and being monitored all the time#'the maximum productivity is 4 hours' yeah i fuckin noticed!!#if anything i am LESS productive than i would be because i am aware that i don't have enough stuff to fill my time!#(i probably do but like...i am very good at my job and can kick it to 120% if i fall too far behind)
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