#i need my thoughts to stay on track
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love when i go to write a letter I'm never gonna send and instead of staying on topic I start yelling about everything that happened
#i need my thoughts to stay on track#i have something specific i want to say LET ME SAY IT WITHOUT TANGENTS#the heartbreak chronicles#dino thoughts#heartbreak#breakups#spilled ink#spilled thoughts#i miss him#breakup#letters ill never send
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#need to be held#everyone holds you differently....#so craving the kind of holding that you'll likely never get again because you got broken up with by that person is... hard. really hard.#17 days is not enough time to be better from a breakup.#i can act like im doing fine around others#i can fill my days with all sorts of things to do.#but in the slow parts#the parts filled only by my thoughts and my longing?#the hurt leaks out. drips and drops.#its not a thing where the hurt will ever truly go away. it meant too much to me for that. but i'll do my best to grow around it.#extra challenging part is that i'm trying to be friends with her still while my emotions are probly not processed enough.#i don't have a great track record of staying in touch with exes. i hope things with her turn out differently than my past times.#to those who have been reading these vent tag posts#sorry if i keep repeating the same things.#my sadness has a cyclical nature to it#or so it would seem.
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i am so good at achieving my daily tasks im so cool
#i have a v good idea of my workflow ig#i had to stay home and work today bcus of a deadline#(i thought pm would be nice and give me the holiday but :/)#anyway. i did everything on my checklist today and i'm right on track#oh and bcus i had to stay home but ziggy needed the socialization ofc he went#and ig he was mad at me abt it#he didnt warm back up to me until i started bothering him w hugs n stuff#he did greet me when i called for him when they got home but then he ignored me lol
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so I had the summer (in reality, like… almost three months) off from one of my volunteering roles and I’m 20 minutes into my first meeting back and I am already so irritated and angry. maybe this is Not A Good Sign.
#people! are! just! so! useless!#and I am being uncharitable to some people but god#this meeting is also going to go on fucking forever bc nobody can stay on track#and like everyone is very nice! but sometimes I do not care about people being nice I care about getting shit done and not being in#a meeting til 8pm#like maybe I need to#just. dip.#I am full of frustration#I managed to get my point said about us needing more people there to Get Shit Done in between everyone being very optimistic#and like they agree with me#but god#I thought I would have more patience after a few months off and. nope. less patience#it’s just herding cats on intense steroids#and not doing it for a couple months has uh. brought into sharp relief how dysfunctional and infuriating a system it is#one of the people I work with just talks all fluff#like a consultant who charges by the word is what my partner said#and it’s all like things we should do or things we should focus on and empty buzzwords#‘we need to ensure these people have a seat at the table’ ‘we need to expand our offering’ ‘we need a concrete x policy in place’#‘we need to provide a space for the most marginalised in our community’ ‘#like great ok but what are we doing and crucially who is doing it and how#bc you’re not doing it you’ve just said you’re at low capacity#and we are at best a team of five and currently a team of three if we’re optimistic#the buzzword bingo REALLY pisses me off idk if it’s the lesbian in me or the scientist in me or just the tired grumpy old man in me#I think I’ve complained enough#I may…….. have to reconsider what I’m doing here I don’t think getting this angry within a few minutes of a meeting is healthy#it’s a good org I think we do important work#buuut at what point is that not a good enough reason to stick around yknow#ok if you’ve read this far thank you for reading all my anger
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fuck.
#i stayed up to make like three more sharkies#and i ended up making 15#what the fuck#really disrespecting myself from 5 hours ago saying that i’ll fix my slee schedule in time for school#i need like sleep reminders or smth#like every 15 mins i get a beep going like why r u still up#because i lose track of time so easily it’s not funny#wtf 😭#cory’s rants#cory's thoughts
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the want to see my friends vs the not want to get on 4 more buses today
#my friend told me yesterday that they were talking about doing sth today and i was like cool okay#but then today my other friend was like actually i have to do some things so we wont go there#and i accepted it and went into staying home mode#but now theyre saying that we will go and i do want to go see them but i am so so tired#and i didn't even study at all cause i thought i had time to do it later (also i was completely procrastinating and lost track of time)#also my friends boyfriend is gonna be there too :/ hes an okay guy but i want to spend time with my friends not him#whatever i need to go get ready#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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trying to find a quote and my search terms are making tumblr check up on me 😭
#i saw it on my dash a bunch of times and thought i liked it but i guess i didn’t#it’s about people being able to tell you’re lonely and that making them stay away from you#but the reason i want it is there’s another quote by the same author i’m trying to track down#i just. can’t remember the authors name!!!#i need a text post tag
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{Hero Archetypes: The More... something version}
The Fallen Hero You are the Fallen Hero, a tragic embodiment of betrayal, vengeance, or perhaps a heart-wrenching love story turned awry. Whether exposed to corrupting influences, manipulated by deal-makers, brainwashed, extorted, blackmailed, or witnessing the destruction of sacred bonds, your descent into darkness is marked by profound sorrow and loss. You might have turned for the sake of greed. Yet within, a lingering spark of hope remains, compelling you to reluctantly extend assistance to the newcomers. Motivated by the sincere desire to shield them from the same tragic fate you endured, you find yourself driven to guide and protect, despite the shadows of your own past.
tagged by: @tarnishedxknight tagging: anyone!!
#quiz#((*taps fingers together* I have;;; thoughts on this#so this isn't. quite accurate for Gylfie as she does have morals and does act for what is good#which is going against Vayne and fighting for all of Ivalice instead of continuing to blindly go with Archadia's expansion#because she knows Vayne will destroy Ivalice in his constant need for power and Archadia will devour herself before she's full#so Gylfie never fell in the sense of turning on what is right and following Vayne without question#or continuing to believe that it was the destiny of the Empire to conquer all#with that all said - I can see her having a corruption arc and I think that'd be fun to explore heh#but also this is accurate with how Gylfie sees *herself*#I really should write a post about this at some point lol#but Gylfie doesn't believe herself to be a good person whatsoever. She used to believe Archadia was the best of the best for *years*#and felt it appropriate for the Empire she loved so much to continue her expansion and that Rozarria was 100% the enemy#and... never thought twice about the smaller kingdoms caught in the warpath#her mother's criticism of Archadia slowly began to chip at that but she wasn't disillusioned until Nabudis because *that*#was something she absolutely couldn't get behind no matter how she felt about the Empire. it was a horrific and brutal act that greatly#disturbed her and really snapped her out of it#also Ffamran leaving did make her start to question things a bit but not quite enough#anyway my point is: Gylfie doesn't believe herself to be a good person. she believes herself to be a *product* of war#to be too much like her father to be a good person#and that she's done so much harm that there is no room for her to be good#with that said she doesn't necessarily see herself as a horrible person but. definitely not a good one#and ABSOLUTELY doesn't see herself as *any* kind of hero - she'd honestly just laugh if someone called her one#but she had been brainwashed essentially and she had witnessed destruction of sacred bonds#and she has acted selfishly and she has done horrible things in the name of the Empire#but she also tries so hard to do *right* despite it all. she *wants* Archadia to be better#she *wants* Ivalice to remain whole and she does what she can to see Vayne defeated and Archadia changed for the better#her goal of becoming Judge Magister changes from her believing it was her birthright to her wanting to be one to make sure Archadia#stays on track and continues to do better under Larsa's rule because she knows he'll make the Empire *better*#and she's willing to do whatever she can to protect him and protect Archadia's future#but with that she may have to do things that wouldn't necessarily be considered *good*
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i think in lieu of writing this morning i'm going to finally move wyll to his own blog so i can focus on his drafts without getting distracted
#ooc.#my sideblog track record is atrocious#so yeah that will happen. after i have caffeine#dammon can stay a sideblog skjdhfskj he's in his corner#he doesn't need to come out of said corner#but wyll consumes my thoughts. therefore
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I’m open to my aversion to the idea of having children changing as I get older and get more life experience but I know for a fact it won’t change for as long as I have not gone on some awful adventure whose small details I can drop on my kids in the middle of making dinner before acting like nothing happened because at this point I think it’s well established that if I am ever to have kids I will be the father figure between the 180 decibel sneeze and the frequent trips to Home Depot but I can’t fully fill those shoes without having the crucial element of Dad Lore™
#I need like a period of time where I’ve just dropped off the grid with no warning and stayed missing for like two years#resurfaced suddenly on an old buddy’s couch one day with hair 4 feet in length#having only come back because the mob boss whose son I pegged gave up on trying to track me down to put my head on a pike#lune’s thoughts
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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax#any other comment would make me feel worse#💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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#i was rereading thru my last dyslexia assessment and its really interesting. i took it 5 years ago#which is before i really figured out how to be a person and it does match a lot of my struggles#as u might expect. like very very bad short term memory and delay in ability to call words to the surface#the last one might explain why i constantly struggle to find the words im looking for. and obviously my ability to read and spell are very#bad as well. but they dont actually drill down on why. its weird. theyre screening for problems but dont ask what the problem looks like#from my end. like my eyes dont track well across a page and i find it it difficult to read passages because my brain is constantly#interupting me with unrelated thoughts and daydreams. and you woudlnt kno that from reading this report. makes me wonder how nuanced an#understanding of dyslexia we actually have. i should read dyslexia papers bc i find it really interesting#it also makes me kinda sad bc the person assessing me made notes like: very attentive and focused. obviously anxious when under assessment#like aw poor anxious freak lol. i also clearly did not fucking understand what they were asking on the executive function assessment#bc i answered that i had no problems there and i clearly have problems with just about everything asked abt and i kno i did then as well#it must have been academicly originated and like i can do school. im good at school. but everything else is a disaster#to clarify. i wonder how much assessment of how dyslexia is experienced when assessments are just looking got indications that#its happening. bc if u kno its there as a teacher it doesnt really matter what it looks like to u. but i personally find it v interesting#and im sure brain ppl do to. id do a dyslexia brain study. come at me neurologists#also questions like: r u able to stay organized? me: of course! i only exist in like 3 locations so even if i lose things theyre easy to#find in the massive disorganized pile of things i leave behind#its very funny to me reading that report as i take these measurements where my workspace looks a disaster and im constantly losing my pen#and forgetting what i need to do. then suddenly remembering. like can i stay focused? yes. i stay so focused that i burn my brain to dust#ay ay ay. at least i still feel ok abt my measurement taking. tho my ability to sleep is already in decline so im sure that wont last long#bc thats how it goes. an up mood where maybe i wanna run around in circles screaming a bit but its all good. not getting a ton of sleep and#doing too much. then burning out and losing stability. pulled forward by my own compulsive thoughts#but for now were good. and someday ill do a dyslexia deep dive bc i really really wanna kno but also i cant read which makes learning hard#when u want academic info lol#unrelated
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:>
#we are Officially Seeing Each Other <3#i miss her already fhhddkksjdhds#gonna have her over at my place next and cook pasta together eeeeeeee#i need to. deep clean my entire apartment lmao but i’m so excited#today was SO LOVELY#WE SAW THESE TINY LITTLE SANDPIPERS#LEAST SANDPIPERS IG???#they were literally like the size of wrens#and just hoppin along the waters edge like a few feet away from us#and idk just. everything was nice#we always talk about so much and lose track of the time#i wish we could have stayed longer tbh but the tide was comin in too close so we kinda had to leave but still grateful for that#my first actual picnic date lol#and honestly everything was SO GOOD#she liked my cute little shaped fruit tee hee <3#and i told her about the 7hr long playlist i’m making her and freaked out about how cute she thought that was and just ahhhhhhh#ty universe ily#sm <3#i’m so ridiculously grateful for her she’s the sweetest ever and we’re starting to get more jokey w each other and i love it#WOW IM GAY#anyway#<3333333333#lol woops meant to post this on main fjhrkss#rowyn rambles
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#ok we're gonna try to finish this story in under 30 tags ok let's go#SO. 'hahaha yeah wow that's crazy that you know him! we did date yeah. (does not elaborate)'#but. okay confession time. i know this was a questionable choice. it was selfish. it fed the brain gremlin that craves validation#but i never blocked M on snapchat#so even though we never talked. i could see when he viewed my stories. and i won't lie. there is a smug part of me that enjoyed#letting him see me go on about my life.#i am a flawed bitch. so sue me. it was a manageable amount of contact that didn't send me into spirals#and he DID keep viewing them.#he even messaged me once! i don't know maybe a year ago. it was totally out of the blue. 'saw this book and thought of you' on a picture of#a nice edition of The Hobbit. i didn't respond. i had to have a petty moment for all the times during the Bad Era when i tried to message#him and he took too long (in my shitty estimation) to message back. so i left him on read. for like a year#okay you can see where this is going so I'll cut to the chase#'i ran into a friend of yours' is a perfectly reasonable conversation starter. it can be the whole conversation if it needs to be.#well. it wasn't#idk. my world state for the last six years has been 'M doesn't care for me and there is no world in which we ever have a civil chat again.'#well. that doesn't track with 'it's past my bedtime but i don't mind staying up to chat' and 'i would love to get an earful about podcasts'#and 'let's chat again' and 'it was really great to hear from you'#idk. i don't know what emotion i should feel. anger is gonna be the first one that makes it to the surface i think#got a good healthy dose of anger happening#grief. i do think there's some grief. mmhmm yep there it is#there are probably some positive emotions but those are the most strenuously repressed and i don't think I'm ready to let the collar off#i have made a lot of choices in the last six years to protect my mental health specifically because of how that relationship ended#so even just talking to him is. well for one thing it's playing a bit fast and loose with the health i have managed to build up#i feel good. my life has been good lately. my therapist moved me from monthly to once every three months. my social life is the most#thriving it's ever been#i am possibly in a place to unbox some things that were thrown in the attic as an emergency measure#i should talk to my therapist
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uh oh !
#accidentally listened to my wallow playlist on this train ride and guess what thoughts im having#need to cancel it out listening to dance music so i stay on my skyrocket track#venspeaks
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#you know. back in early or mid-january i was thinking i was finally getting my blood sugar under control#after a year of literal blood sweat and tears i was almost there!!!#and then my insurance and my endo’s incompetence happened#and they wouldn’t give me my insulin or my one non-insulin medication#and my blood sugar was worse than it was when i was in the fucking HOSPITAL over it#but i thought we got past that#in february they finally refilled both of those meds (after i’d run out)#and i thought ok. this still sucks but i can start getting back on track now.#except. now my insurance has once again decided NOT to give me my non-insulin medication#(which i am out of again and nearly a week overdo for a dose)#overdue*#and they are not only saying that they have zero records of ever giving me this medicine that i’ve been on since last year#(which. how tf have i been getting it then?????????)#but that they wouldn’t let me have it anyway bc i’ve only tried one cheaper med instead of three#which is a rule no one ever fucking told me about!!!!!!!#and with the way these meds work it would likely take two months MINIMUM to prove that two of them don’t work#and then another three months to get back to the dose i need of the medication i’ve already been on#which is a minimum of FIVE WASTED MONTHS#during which my blood sugar will likely stay bad and the other meds will give me who knows what unbearable side effects#and none of the meds they want me to try even do the one thing i chose my current medication for!!!!!!#and even after i get back to my dose of my medication it will still take a month or two at best to get my sugar numbers#back to where they were in january#which means this whole mess could reach into september or october#and increase the whole diagnosis-to-control timeline to nearly 2 years instead of just 1#if not even later#i want this whole system burned to the ground i am so unbelievably done#personal
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