#i need my existence to matter to everyone bc otherwise my life was worthless

[discountdyke]

i feel like some sort of caged songbird lol. i cant remember what i love about music. the only way i can reach it now is singing and playing guitar quietly alone in my bedroom. i wanted to perform so badly and i feel like grad school just broke me....i was so excited and hopeful going in and then i broke under pressure. my studiomates were starring in the operas and i was trying to take care of myself. 

taking criticism is just so fucking hard. i dont know how people do it. i literally cant take it without crying. i never make a scene but theres always tears brimming in my eyes or leaking down my cheeks and its so fucking embarrassing. and then i stand and smile while im told i just need to put feeling into it and to use more chest voice but dont use it here because it doesnt blend and it sounds ugly and to sing mozart bc i cant sing strauss but your voice is too small so you might as well just sing bach except bach is too hard for you. just act a little more. just put more feeling into it. that was great but theres no feeling behind it. are you thinking about a feeling? do you care about this at all? do you honestly think youre going to make it out there with a voice like this? you cant get anywhere just by having a pretty voice, you know.

[acanthodii-phobia]

hey sorry if this is so sudden but i’ve been feeling so down lately and can i just get the turtles comfort reader (they/them pls) bc they think they can’t do anything right? rottmnt as well pls

Of course! :) And I'm sorry you haven't been in the best place recently.. I hope the turtles and I can help ease your thoughts a little. Things will get better, and many things in your life will change over time - the bad is only temporary that way, even if it doesn't feel like it. Right now you're at your strongest, and I now you can and will get through it!

We believe in you. 🐢🐢🐢🐢

(RoTTMNT) Comfort Oneshots X GenderNeutral!Reader PT. 1

Each turtle bro. will focus on something a little different, but overall still what you requested. I hope that's alright. ^^ These are slightly longer than my other posts, so these oneshots will be split amongst two posts. Leo and Raph are in pt. 1, Donnie and Mikey are in pt. 2!

•

Content Warning: The topics discussed won't go into graphic detail, but if you feel like you would get upset by reading about topics dealing with depression or negative thoughts, please do not read for your own care.

•

One-shots will contain:

Y/N - Your Name

Leo:

[Comfort for feeling inadequate, worthless, uneeded & request.]

- They were crying in Leo's bedroom.

- The perfect place, they thought, for some time away from everyone. Y/N knew they were supposed to just be enjoying themselves and having fun; but they couldn't stop that irritating feeling.

- Those reoccurring thoughts of not being needed. Or wanted. The possibility of screwing everything up, and losing everyone they cared about... and it would've just been a waste of their time. Y/N just wasting everyone's time.

- The last thing they wanted was to bring down everyone's night only because of the terrible mood they were in.

- So here they were. Tucked away in the corner of Leo's bed, hugging a pillow and crying. In the dark. While the others were out there completely clueless.

- At least, that's what Y/N thought.

- Leo comes in a few minutes later searching for Y/N, while making unintentionally insensitive and boastful comments about him being better (nothing directed specifically at Y/N, though).

- Hearing Leo's comments makes Y/N cry more, and the moment he sees them he immediately rushes to their side, trying to comfort them and apologising profusely.

- He had a full grin before, expecting Y/N to reply back with another joke, but seeing them like this hurt him in a way he hadn't really felt before.

- "Hey, hey," he reaches out and holds Y/N face. He doesn't force them to look at him though - he just wants them to know he's there. "I'm so sorry, please don't cry. You know... you're just as good of a player as I am - I didn't realise you were taking Mario Monopoly so seriously."

- They shake their head, breathing deeply as they try to calm down.

- "I'm not upset over Monopoly, Leon, but thank you."

- He's confused. "Then... then why are you crying?"

- "I've just been having a lot of... uh, negative thoughts recently."

- Y/N explains how they feel inferior to him and his brothers, but specifically to Leo. They see Leo as this 'flawless, charming, and a jack-of-all-trades' kind of guy. Even though he can be occasionally rude without realising it, he's still so loved by his family and friends.

- "You're just," their breath is shaky as they push their hair back. "...so perfect. You do everything right, and even the times when you do mess up... no one hates you. I feel like I can't do anything right - I'm awkward and can't tell my left from right occasionally. You're important and valued by those who care about you, you're talented and..."

- "...I feel like I can't compete. I'm nothing like that, and I'm so envious of you." Y/N confesses, wiping their face with their sleeve.

- Leo is stunned - he didn't know they felt like this at all. His eyes never leave Y/N - his hands slowly drifting from their face - contemplating on his next move.

- He's not really 'good' at this sort of thing, but because it's Y/N, he wants to do more than just listen. Leo cautiously takes hold of the pillow that Y/N was gripping onto, and places it beside him.

- Leo then pulls Y/N closer to him, hugging them tightly.

- "You're valued by me," he whispers to them. "What you can or can't do... doesn't define your worth. Nothing can really define that. You existing and doing your best is worth enough." Leo leans back and smiles reassuringly. "...And I mess up a lot, too. I'm imperfect just like you, and that is always okay. And you know I'm never wrong~"

- He chuckles as he presses his forehead against Y/N's, reaching up slightly so his snout touches their nose and rubs them together affectionately. Y/N smiles.

- "Thanks... Leon."

Raph:

[Comfort for feeling insecure about vulnerability, thinking they should be stronger/ move on & request.]

- Y/N was watching Raph train in the dojo, admiring his strength and skills from the sideline, perched ontop of some extra mats. They had to admit, that despite his size he was very nimble and fairly noiseless on his feet. His brute force was more than expected, though.

- The guy's built like a tank - It's a very dangerous combo.

- But compared to him, Y/N was pretty clusmy and much weaker than him.

- They do their best to ignore the thoughts that come to their mind, but it was of no use. They weren't strong enough to protect themselves, nevertheless them... what were they supposed to do if they needed Y/N's help? They felt inferior to him.

- But Y/N keeps smiling as Raph shows off.

- However, he caught on quickly - he's able to tell that Y/N's smile isn't 100% genuine. He stops what he's doing immediately and faces them.

- "Hey, Shorty. You got somethin' on your mind?"

- Y/N is caught off guard. "Oh, uh... no. It's nothing."

- Raph looks at them doubtfully. "Are you sure?"

- They nod, denying it in fear of being vulnerable and being shunned away for saying otherwise. Raph gives them one last look before going back to his training.

- Eventually, Y/N quietly retreats from the dojo and runs just a bit outside of the lair to clear their mind. Everything is good for a moment, but they soon start hyperventilating and panicking.

- "What am I doing? Gosh, you look so stupid right now, why can't you control yourself? Calm down... breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe you idiot." They grip onto their shirt, breathing deeply, but it only works them up more.

- It wasn't long until it became difficult to breathe - their chest was tight and their lungs felt shriveled up and blocked off, like they just couldn't get any air in no matter how hard they tried. Tears start falling down their face.

- Raph tracks them down quickly, thanks to his brothers. Deep down, he knew Y/N needed someone right now. Anyone.

- But he really wants it to be him.

- "No, no, you guys just stay here! Everything's fine, I just need to find them. We'll back in a minute!"

- The moment he sees Y/N, his heart stops. There's a deep, weirdly empty feeling of dread that washes over him. He runs to their side without another thought, and does his best to guide them through it. He holds their hands in his, and rubs the back of them with his thumbs, whispering to them.

- "Y/N... it's okay. It's okay." He lets go of one their hands and holds the side of their face. "You're doing great... can you try some breathing exercises with me? Everything will be okay, I promise."

- They're still gripping onto their chest, crying, heaving deeply and erratically as Raph asks this, but the only thing Y/N does is nod.

- "Good," he assures them, smiling. "Now... do your best to follow me, okay? First, pinch your nose and close your mouth, bite your lip if you have to. You're going to hold your breath for a few seconds to start."

- "Perfect - you're doing great, Y/N! Now, breathe in deep through your mouth," Raph does it with them, nodding. "Good, and release through your nose."

- Once Y/N was back to a regular breathing, Raph asks them to explain what was going on, and he wasn't going to take "nothing" as an answer this time.

- Y/N stares up at him, wiping their tear-soaked face, and reluctantly states that they were scared of Raph seeing them being weak and vulnerable, and wanted to be seen as "cool" and strong like Raph is.

- "I didn't want you to hate me..." they lower their head, avoiding as much eye contact as possible. Almost immediately, they start panicking again. "Wait, oh gosh," they heave in deeply as they try to focus on anything, raising their arms instinctively - their surroundings blurring together as their mind races. "No, I'm sorry... you can't see me like this, I'm going to mess things up again like I always do, I-" Y/N tries to run away as the tears build up again, but Raph grabs their arm and pulls them back.

- "Y/N".

- He is very, very gentle with them, talking to them in a low voice. But he wasn't going to let them keep running off and avoiding him.

- "Please look at me." They try, with some struggle. "You are not messing anything up. It is okay to cry, to be vulnerable, and openly express how you feel. I'm... worried to find out who made you scared like this. You don't ever deserve to feel like that, Y/N.

- And you are strong, Y/N - your worth is never going to be based on how much you can lift or break with your fists. Your strength may or may not be in physical strength, but you being here with me - right now - your existence proves you are strong," He brings them into a hug, embracing them snugly. "In a lot of ways, that is much stronger than any physical strength I have, and I am so proud of you."

- He holds their head against him, reveling in the feeling of having them so close to him. He closes his eyes, gently leaning some of his weight onto them.

- "Thank you, Raph."

•

Thank you for requesting. :) I hope you enjoyed!

[emakenz]

was talking abt symptoms of autism to my parents and my dad put his head in his hands saying he wish the internet didnt exist and that i should go to a library. bitch. you stupid slut. i am expressing my emotions and thoughts just like you have encouraged me to do then you fucking insult me? right to jail. go to big meanie jail. i am sending you to prison.

i was saying how i present a lot of the symptoms (such as social impairment, lack of understanding in social cues, RSD, not understanding social standards and therefore not abiding by what i "ought to do" //like shaving my legs bc im a girl. hell no. hate the feeling, and im not cis, and im not your fucking doll on display//, sensory issues, difficulty processing shit, hyperfixations, etc etc) and he goes and fucking. pretty much SHAMES me for it. not outright saying it, but definitely implying that im just trying to get attention or be special or that im a hypochondriac. im sorry, but last i checked, IM the one whos taken CLASSES. AT SCHOOL. about similar shit. and you have the nerve to blame THE INTERNET for me spitting straight fire. burn in my wrath you dumb whore. im SORRY for EXPRESSING MYSELF and RAMBLING ABOUT THINGS IM INTERESTED IN. god forbid i fucking talk about anything that goes against YOUR VIEWS. you always say that you "dont push your beliefs on others" and that others "shouldnt push their beliefs on you" but yet you stand there and belittle MY BELIEFS when im the one that actually RESEARCHED what IM TALKING ABOUT. what do you know. you only have "experience" (living in a small town full of closed minded hillbillies that strut their problematic asses through life. THATS NOT EXPERIENCE. YOUVE ONLY LIVED IN ONE FUCKING CITY YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU DONT LEAVE, YOURE ALWAYS AT HOME OR AT WORK. YOU DONT INTERACT WITH PEOPLE DIFFERENT THAN YOU. YOU DONT KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT EXPERIENCE AS YOU HAVENT FUCKING LIVED OR LEARNED.). you always compare yourself to others, saying how youre laid back and lenient and the most easy going dad in town, yet when i compare literally anything saying that something is better than this (like i can say i believe that so and so is better than whatstheirface) and if it goes against your opinion, you fucking go on and on about how youre right and im wrong because im just a kid that hasnt lived. bitch you havent lived and youre 45. get over yourself you white cishet privileged motherfucker. your only "discrimination" is being poor, but that comes with living as a LOW LIFE THAT DOESNT TRY TO BETTER THEIRSELF OR TAKE AN OPPORTUNITY WHEN YOU SEE ONE. ive lived in the same broken down trailer since before i was born, ive only went to one school up until high school, (one school for elementary and middle school then the high school, thats it), i havent had a job or done anything with any impact to society so therefore im worthless in your eyes? you provided this for my life. im not going to be your doll, your pet, your servant or what have you. im a fucking person, an individual with my OWN "experience" and views and beliefs. im not following your rules, the rules that have no reason to exist other than it displeases you if i dont follow them. i try to educate myself, i research, i interact with different kinds of people, and while i may not have firsthand "experience" with much, at least i fucking try to not be ignorant. youre so willingly ignorant, you dont care about the facts, you dont trust anything or anyone. youre so skeptical of every little thing. but somehow your beliefs are the definite reality? that you hold the truth? youre so skeptical you dont even trust your own views, you claim to be open minded, then turn around and claim to be closed minded and that your views cant be changed unless proven otherwise, yet even when your view is proven against being true, you still dont believe it. you dont have the confidence in yourself to hold yourself accountable by your own words. youre an ignorant, close minded, hypocritical asshole. i love you, but DAMN you make me mad. everyone has flaws but.. damn. problematic king behavior over here, get him the crown of dumbassery. goddamn.

hes apologized and explained that he tries to be mindful and how much he has to hold his tongue and that hes being polite to me compared to others and how he wont change etc etc. thats not an apology thats a half hearted explanation of why you act that way and that you dont really feel the need to actually try. you say its hard for you to talk to me bc im so "political" and take things literally and personally (the last two are true, but if im to be officially diagnosed with autism, im throwing that in his face. ill give HIM and explanation of why I dont fit his eyes.), im not even political im just honest. if i notice you saying or doing something thats genuinely Wrong, im going to say something, i dont want to be the judgemental "millenial" (im gen z, not that it matters really) but i also dont want to just stand by without saying something. you say im so "politically correct" and it hurts me that you feel so passionate about your fragile mindset that you feel the need to call me out on my "argumentative attitude". im just trying to spread awareness, go ahead, call the pharmacist a slur, say it to their face, you coward. you wont. because you know that its wrong. if you have the balls to say it, i hope someone actually tells you off and gives you the same treatment. you couldnt handle it. being "discriminated" against, while in reality, you were the discriminater. dont fucking dish it out if you cant handle it. be mindful, respectful, and educate yourself. check yourself before you wreck yourself. or someone will come to wreck you themself to teach you a lesson.

very big vent here im tired. ignore this lmfao. everythings fine im just a petty bitch.

[okamigekidoo]

TW // S*uicide mention / depression talk

Dont read under the cut if you dont want to see. 

Today i feel more like shit than ever. Posting here bc I wanna rant, and be able to type as much as I want without having to make a whole thread. 

Today I got diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder (as originally stated), and major depressive disorder (moderate), and the one that bothers me, is Dependent personality disorder. 

I fucking hate myself right now, because if I would’ve known this months ago maybe there wouldn’t have been problems and I wouldn't be sitting here completely dissociated. Frustrated, and impulsively wanting to kms just bc of how mad I am and frustrated with my stupid little brain that I have. 

They told me I’m likely to develop BPD as well but they think they can stop it before it develops, which is cool I guess. Glad I don't have that or narcissistic personality disorder. But part of me doesn’t even care at this point. I thought having labels would help me, but getting these labels were fucking worthless and I’m sick and tired of existing only to continuously screw up because apparently my PTSD is worse than I thought. 

They then proceeded to tell me that, my attention span is actually shit. Like, the lady put on the diagnosis that she didn’t think I was even listening when she was talking and I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even know I “wasn't listening” I thought I was but I guess not. I feel completely and utterly hollow.

Like, ok, I have a label, now what? Now fucking what. Oh that's right. Nothing. Because nothing matters to me and I literally couldn’t care less what my life becomes because there's nothing left for me here on this stupid, pathetic, ugly planet that’s worth living and fighting for because I’m just some over-exaggerating, careless, manipulative liar. I’m not worth anything. To anyone.

Dependent personality is basically “I deal with shit until I snap because I’m pathetic and cant learn how to say no, stop, this thing bothers me and then need someone to deal with me/it” in a way that sounds polite, or caring. And my idiotic fly brain cant listen to anyone and I don't know why. I thought I was listening, I thought I am? Is it just bc I hear what I want to hear? Is it just because I have tunnel vision, but in my ears???

I feel like I know nothing about myself, and never will. I don't understand myself, I don’t know what's happening, and I don’t know if I even want to understand anymore bc the more I try to understand the worse that everything gets in my life because all I’ve learned to do is ruin everything. 

And saying “I don't mean to” makes it sound like an excuse, or dismissive. Idk how to communicate. And I think all in all I give up trying to make close friends, relationships, anything. Because I'm either too distant, or too clingy. Too nice, or too mean. Too this, too that. Because some fucking personality disorder just had to develop in my dumbass little brain. 

And the more I try to explain it to people, the worse it all gets. I’m crying, in the middle of a fucking call, typing this shit out because I'm so lost in my own head. I feel like nothing. I'm some brain, in some corpse. Waling around. Doing things. I don't even remember.

Dependent personality disorder, is basically, I depend on everyone else to basically. Survive. Emotionally, physically, all of it. I always thought I was rather distant to most people...but I guess that’s bullshit. I’ve been proven otherwise. 

I had plans to talk to my therapist about other things today, but then this diagnosis came out of nowhere, and I feel completely locked up inside. I dont want to move. I dont want to feel. I want nothing to do with anyone or anything. I just want to complain into some stupid screen about how shit I always am and always will be because this will be with me for the rest of my pathetic worthless little life. 

Dont want to fucking live anymore. I’m honestly just. Done. With everything. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to get better. Idek if theres a reason to try. No one is here. No one cares. So why try at all. Ever. 

People would be so happy to see me 6 feet under. They probably would’ve been glad to see it months, upon years ago. I know I would’ve. All these failed attempts and im still here. 

That paper did say I do shit with error 99% of the time. Probably bc im not listening or something. I dont want to think about this anymore. I just want everything to stop. I want to die so I dont have to feel. To think. To try. I’m just ready to give up because im trash and will never be good enough. 

[foxesrefuge]

your were tagged ;D What do you think of Riko as a character inside the books? (no HCs) / Any fave HCs you want to share? / Any pairings/ships you like with him? / fic recs? / art recs? / Kevin&Riko - do they have/had feelings for each other? / Thoughts on his finale scene? / Did you read Nora's extra content? // tag other bloggers you think have something interesting to say about him! (maybe someone we don't know yet??) #Thoughts on Riko Moriyama

HOO boi XD here comes the trainwreck.First of..all thank you @c-valentino for tagging me and…. making me uh ..work and think on my own (sobs) haha *nervous laughter (noreally tho, thank you, целую!!)I probably won’tcome up with super new or hyper interesting stuff and… actually, Icould just link CVal’s whole post here……………………but okay here wego, then!!Ugh, I guess I have to out myself now real quickbefore we dive in: I was always kinda very interested in the ‘BadGuys’. No matter what, I’d try to find out more about them, try tofigure out how their twisted brains work and why their Morales werealways a bit questionable, which doesn’t necessarily mean I’m okaywith whatever they’re doing or understand and support their actions(hell fucking nooo).I’m just finding it super interesting tothink and sometimes even talk about.

Now, since that’s settled:I think Riko is justas interesting as our MC’s, if not one of the most interestingcharacters, and maybe also one of the most tragic ones (imo). I don’treally think you get this impression after reading the series for thefirst time, though. He seems super flat and not interesting enough inthe books. I wouldn’t have given him a second thought if I didn’t getthe chance to read the extra content.

Which leads me now to my actually toughts on Riko, based  onextra Content and HC’s:The way Riko sees the world isobviously reeeally different from how our MC’s view the world,which is quite,.. understandable, regarding where he comes from, howhe was raised and trained and what he went through (bc hooo boi,that’s not a life I wanna live). This guy knows he’s the son ofExy, obviously The Number One and the actual King of the court. Thereshould be no way anyone could have the power or strength to outpacehim (oh and Riko is going to make sure of that). He is a Moriyama andthinks of his players as his property, he basically gets what hewants and who he wants. Sounds like a pleasant life, right? But Idon’t think he had one. He is living with this pressure form“above’, knowing that he always ‘has to be’ The Best of them all. Hehas to deliver otherwise he would be no use and therefore not worthkeeping in the nest, on the court and alive. I always picturedhim feeling the pressure and weirdly enough people tend to forgetthat Riko is not a robot… because being pressured like that,knowing you have to be THE BEST all the time, no matter what .. thatreally really really fucks with you and your brain. He isprobably under constant stress, giving more than just his best ,whichhe also expects from his players. There is no space for compassion,no place for weakness, nor failure. His live is Exy and there isnothing else than Exy keeping him alive. It’s his past, hispresent and his future for the rest of his life. His mentalbreakdowns always turn into violent outbursts because that boy can’treally cope with the mess in his head (probably not even aware ofthat) He never learned how to control his anger or himself. Why wouldhe? He is King, a Moriyama, he is the one controlling. So yeah, youbasically don’t want to be near him when he’s having his moments. Hisruthlessness makes him go overboard at times. A lot of times.He’salso never at fault. No matter what he does because.. what the hell??Such a concept doesn’t even exist. So how in the world is Rikoa tragic character, when we just settled that he’s nothing but anabsolute ruthless monster with no restrains???!!

Lemme explain ok. Riko was born into this world of Exy, Thesecond son, not the first(!!), growing up and having those insaneexpectations to life up to –  he would be a worthless piecenothing, not needed on the court. He had Kevin, the brother who wasalways by his side, on and off court; his number 2, his property,*his*. Riko doesn’t know how to treat people right though,doesn’t know the concept of actual friendship, It’s always just Exyand Exy and Exy, there is no time for friendship. I also believethat he deep down feared for his life, he just wasn’t aware of thatbecause his brain was too occupied with getting better.One of myHC’s is that: he was super restless the whole damn time, not able tocalm down, constantly under pressure.He basically barely slept.How is there time for sleep, when you can use that precious time ondrills?It wrecks him. The nest destroyed a perfectly fineboy, gave him the chance to basically develop this crazy god complexand also turning him into this Exy monster. And most of the time hewasn’t even aware of his problems because there is just no time andspace for that shit.

Now what happens if one suddenly takes away his Exy? Welp,there’d be nothing left of this fucked up guy. He is a mess, abroken soul, not good enough to be alive.He has nothing, not evenhimself because he was sold to the court and owned by the court.There are many many many demons living in his ribcage, twistinghis brain in the worst ways. I’m not even sure if he’d be able tolive a normal human life outside the nest, without being able to feelanything besides the need to do better and better and better. It madehim mad to the point of no return … so yeah uh .. don’t you thinkthat’s kinda tragic??

Fave HC’s: Mhh, I uh … you know what?

basicallyeverything CVal came up with and mentioned  in her post

…..…..(did u think I was joking, Val?)

Riko with freckles, I dig that!!

Riko playing an instrument.. preferably the piano (ok listen, just the picture of Riko, in a black suit … sitting in front of a piano…no?just me?ok)

Riko being an amazing swimmer

Also some Au’s

Riko and Ichirou → actually interacting with each other (Onii-san,y'all I’m chokiNG ( maybe some kind of Uchiha-Verse or something like that, why not? I dig it))

Fox!Riko ( @bvccvrdi  thank you for this and @shihoran for destroying me and my emotions daily w this)

Pairings/Ships and Feelings:

Riko/Kevin clearly. There is no doubt.

Especially after reading the extra content and old drafts.Thesetwo were boyfriends. Their relationship was hella unhealthy and probsreally violent but  … they just can’t live without each other(I mean can u imagine how obsessed Riko had been with Kev?? He wasHIS, okay? His and ooonly his.He didn’t even touch Kevin’s side of the room after all this time,can u imagine??). They were rivals for sure .. but .. they were alsoabsolutely obsessed w each other.I currently ship them likenothing else. Too invested. Even though I’m more than just conflictedabout this but I just cannot help it.

Thoughts on his final scene:….I have to admit thatI’m super unhappy with how the AFTG series ended. I’m glad to have ahappy end, couldn’t be more great full but everything feels so rushedand off. And I think it’s all due to Riko’s super quick death.Everything happened way too fast, I actually hate that he died, orspecifically how fast and easy that happened. It just didn’t fit atall, in my opinion.

Art Recs:

Give @shihoran a follow and you’ll be well supplied!!

And here are some other amazing pieces:

I ♔

II ♕

III ♖

IV ♗

V ♘

VI ♙

VII ♚

VIII ♛

IX ♜

X ♝

XI ♞

Fic Recs:

 I haven’t really read that many, mainly because I know there aren’t that many. But here are a few I really liked

♥       what if i did    MadHatterNO7

♠      Meant to be mine    shihoran

♣       bvccardi’s Fox!Riko

I also know @c-valentino is working on something reeeeally really nice, y’all. So You better stay tuned, pumped and hyped!!! because I suRE AF AM!!!!

Everyone I’d love to hear from was already tagged, I believe. But whatevs, I’m going to mention y’all again. Feel free to ignore tho:

@shihoran​ @viviena​ @still-waiting-for-godot​ @bvccvrdi​ @ziegenkind​ @mochis-mullet

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.