#bc the most important thing rn is stablizing [DISORDER] and that will take years

[discountdyke]

i feel like some sort of caged songbird lol. i cant remember what i love about music. the only way i can reach it now is singing and playing guitar quietly alone in my bedroom. i wanted to perform so badly and i feel like grad school just broke me....i was so excited and hopeful going in and then i broke under pressure. my studiomates were starring in the operas and i was trying to take care of myself. 

taking criticism is just so fucking hard. i dont know how people do it. i literally cant take it without crying. i never make a scene but theres always tears brimming in my eyes or leaking down my cheeks and its so fucking embarrassing. and then i stand and smile while im told i just need to put feeling into it and to use more chest voice but dont use it here because it doesnt blend and it sounds ugly and to sing mozart bc i cant sing strauss but your voice is too small so you might as well just sing bach except bach is too hard for you. just act a little more. just put more feeling into it. that was great but theres no feeling behind it. are you thinking about a feeling? do you care about this at all? do you honestly think youre going to make it out there with a voice like this? you cant get anywhere just by having a pretty voice, you know.