#i need like 10 years to process this
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i'm incorporating it into my worldview that: during solas' brief Depression Quest in dai after having to kill wisdom (the last remaining entity in thedas who had remembered him in arlathan), he also took a detour to to wherever he killed felassan (the second last remaining entity in thedas who had remembered him in arlathan). just to round out visiting all the Dead Friends He Had Killed Quest Markers.
#dragon age#felassan#solas#it would match with how he admits to being unsure if he even wanted to come back to skyhold#which is fine to say for an Average Apostate who might just be sad#but#actually a bizarre thought process#for someone who needed to get his orb back and had his whole elaborate trolley problem scheme going on#''if i had a nickel every time i killed one of my only remaining besties in the past year. i would have two nickels. and depression.''#''what if i [remembers uthenera jokes are bad for his mental health] turned into a wolf for like 10 years''#<- solas#also i personally think that it is way funnier if he goes and is like#''ah... there isn't even a corpse to bury... damn... RIP. i will sunk cost fallacy even more in your honour 😔🥚''#and meanwhile felassan is just lurking around tranquil and comes in with a steel chair whenever he's cured
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warden-commander julian amell pictured approximately 30 seconds before quitting his job
#GUESS WHO FINISHED AWAKENING FOR THE FIRST TIME LOL. LMAO EVEN#he just turns to anders at the end and goes man. i think i'm done. and fucks off never to be seen again (i.e. to be zev's trophy wife)#buying myself a shirt that says i <3 drawing my special guys having the absolute worst fucking day of their lives#for the record he's ~27 but the blight and an involuntary upper management position aged him a solid like....10 years#when he runs across anders in the beginning he's like heyyy nice to see you man but also what the Fuck happened to you. you look like hell#anyway the process of this one sucked but i'm slowly picking through techniques till i find one that works for me. this one didn't <3#my art#julian#julian amell#warden amell#hero of ferelden#dragon age#dragon age: awakening#might start using these guys' full names in the tags. idk#what else do i tag for. idk i need to be asleep in 20 minutes i have work tonight lol i'll just edit it in later#anyway MWAH love u all. all 4 of u#edited in a crop
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#sorry not sorry#i just didn't enjoy the book man#and personally i dont think we really needed a haymitch book#to me what more was there to know?#he cheated at the game and he paid the price. he lost his family and his girl and maysilee donner in the process#what more is there to know????#i also thought a lot of information we got in the books tied everything up too neatly??? does that make sense???#and in my opinion if collins really wanted to write a book about propoganda she could've chosen literally anybody else. cough cough plutarc#and really these books have been out for 10+ years. idgaf what collins wrote#if she wanted us to know the truth of haymitch's story sooo badly she should've written it like 15 years ago#as it stands sotr haymitch is hashtag not my haymitch!!#which i know is a crazy thing to say considering the fact that she literally created this character but whatever#there were some parts of the book i liked!! effie and plutarch and beetee#oh and mags was there!!! i love her.#i'l probably just take the parts i like and move on with my life.#anti sotr#the hunger games#thg
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Murder Family
#hannibal#hannibal lecter#will graham#abigail hobbs#hannigram#murder husbands#murder family#nbc hannibal#nhesdocs#pls bring them back to me#why did i have to go through thinking abigail died twice#like was that necessary???#did you feel anything seeing me cry#asdfjkskfjh#brb currently need 10 business years to process this#okay sorry for that rambling just watched mizumono
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Recent life photos
#photo diary#image 1 & 2 - of course these are just cloud images. But a cool pattern of them :0#3 - another word count of game writing... aargh... Still debating about like allowing other people into the game discord or how early#in the process one should do that.. but social things are just so difficult for me lol.. I shall always suffer for my lack of networking an#self promotion skills. 4 - I was forced to get a new phone a few months ago because my beloved phone of like 10 years finally#broke too much. and I always like to go through the emojis and make a little memo with all my favorites. yaay little pictures of things.#5 - I FINALLY finished all the dictionary entries for the game (which has a little dictionary feature in the player's journal to note#any specific terms and keep track of them (like what 'jhevona' or 'avirre'thel' means. or to remember that the world is called Nanyevimi#and the country they're in is Asen. etc. etc.)). There are 75 defined terms so far and it took me a while to do so out of curiosity I put#all the text into a wordcounter thing and lol.. 8000 words isnt that much I guess but the 30 minute reading time is funny to me. 30 minutes#for my little tiny dictionary panel in my quaint little casual visual novel which is not even lore heavy at all. hee hee (though that's mor#like a minute here and there since obv people are not unlocking every term all at once. you complete the dictionary as you talk to people#and hear them mention new concepts over time.).. ANYWAY..#6 - a very soft and beautiful stuffed animal that I did not buy but wanted to at least document their charm.#7 - stimky boye waiting in front of his favorite straw meowring screaming for someone to play with him (he likes to chase the#straw around). 8 - matcha bubble tea my beloved. 9 & 10 & 11 - some cool flowers I saw. also featuring one of my favorites (columbines!)#Anyhow.. as mentioned in the other photo diary post.. I have just been packing and writing mostly.. The evil summer is coming of course#which me and my health issues always dread. Good news though is I finally got my passport in the mail! >:3 huzzah. Now I just need to find#some fellow aromantic asexual living outside the US willing to take one for the team and fake a marriage with me so I can get the#hell out of the country UwU (<joking) (...mostly... as in - definitely NOT my main goal. but if a viable opportunity presented itself I#would of course give it consideration lol). I know that's already highly regulated but I wonder if it's something that will become even mor#locked down as people hunt for any opportunity to flee. People are out here searching for any loophole. Frantically researching their#entire family tree seeing if there's any chance for a citizenship by descent in whatever place will take them. etc. etc. lol#So I wonder if such marriages are a thing that will come up more often. hmm.. ANYWAY..#I have almost all of my stuff packed even though I don't move until another 1-2 months. But that's the point is to have it all sorted early#in the last remaining scraps of ''cooler'' weather so that then I can just relax up until then. I'm going to try doing another scrapbook#/sketchbook this summer as a Mood Boosting effort. Just to find little things to help with the situational political existential dread and#climate woes. So on days it's too hot to function I can just glue little things to pages and doodle lol.. hopefully.. slowly getting things#off my to do list.. I reaaaaaally want to get back to playing games as it's so fun and realxing to me but..rghgh.. 500 other things..
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I'm finally close enough to the top of the housing waitlist that they're contacting me about open apartments
#not that i have enough money right now to afford even the affordable rent#and i have to process that this is a significant shift in my life that I'll have to deal with very very soon#like on one hand i desperately want to move out and have my own space and be able to do things in a way thats safe for me#especially without having family be weird about it#despite me not being able to walk without support for 10 years and having multiple doctors support me using a cane#my dad gets super uncomfortable and weird whenever he sees it. so it lives in my car.#but on the other hand i genuinely dont know if i can live even in that type of supported housing#and my mom knows about it and (moderately) supports it#but that's one hell of a conversation to have with my father#i need space as an adult but oh my god thats such a big change#disability#chronic pain#fibromyalgia#mobility aid#autism#actually autistic#autistic#actuallyautistic#I'll be working and saving money all summer#if folks are interested in prints/stickers/art I may post something in a bit
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I do think the hardest part about actually writing a whole novel for the first time is having to constantly remind myself that first drafts are allowed to suck. They are not meant to be perfect. They're allowed to be filled with half thoughts where you need to go back later because you can't figure out what you need to fix until there are words on a page. Like, allowing myself to feel like I am bad at something and still continuing to push might be the biggest way I've grown in my entire life.
#if you can't tell i feel like i am bad right now because this chapter was a half-assed afterthought in my outline lol#i mean obviously i don't feel like i am BAD at writing#i just know that the good parts come at the end of the process#and it's something that you constantly grow in#like my writing now is so different than my writing 10 years ago in the best way#idk deciding to write a book this year was so weird but i am really glad i'm finally doing it#i've always been so scared of writing original fiction because it's just such a vulnerable thing (for me)#(and i'm sure other people but yeah you know what i mean)#don't get me wrong i am INCREDIBLY satisfied with some of these first draft scenes#but there are chapters that i know have to exist and to make them better i have to fix some of my world building#but i can't figure out where i need to fix the thing until it's written because i can't see it when it's just in my head#personal
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it's so. weird how you're not allowed to be therapy critical or anti therapy even if you've yourself been in therapy for 15+ years and it was completely useless or even detrimental. and you see other people like you going down the same path. therapy does not work for everyone and it's a huge fucking money and energy sink.
like especially when it comes to cptsd I just personally feel like that is literal physical brain damage. talking about it has the same effect as talking extensively about a broken leg and pretending it doesn't need a splint.
like a physical injury needs rest. you're not going to keep purposely dislodging an open fracture expecting it to magically heal so why do this exact thing to trauma sufferers. useless.
#like therapy works for some people and it absolutely destroys others. that is a reality#I am literally still relearning to rely on myself and trust instead of vilify my own emotions#this will remain a work in progress for so long. my trauma healing was completely derailed by having to bring it up on a weekly basis every#fucking. week. every fucking week the same fucking shit of oh I feel guilty I feel like it's my fault (I don't) I need to keep it at the#forefront of my mind and I absolutely cannot just let it rest and process it at my own pace because that is#self sabotage! only listen to us and what you feel is always incorrect!#like do you see how damaging that is for 10+ years from age fucking 12#I genuinely feel like untangling my therapy trauma is more complicated and time consuming than my literal cptsd#anyways if it helps you that's cool but it doesn't help everyone. so be mindful#m
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I have chronic "loving minor character" disease and it's fatal. anyway here's Ceodore again in both hair colors (I prefer him blond,)
[DO NOT REPOST/REMOVE COMMENT]
#I used myself as a reference on this lmfao#also didnt feel like drawing his weird headband thingy okay#I learned. so much in the process of doing this drawing.#thank you ceodore giving me +10 art skill#told myself all I need to do is draw one very detailed picture of him to get it all out of my system now we see if thats true#art#ceodore harvey#final fantasy#final fantasy 4#final fantasy iv#ff4#ffiv#the after years
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does anyone have a very detailed guide thing of how exactly they are preserving vladimir lenin's dead body. like a link or a pdf or anything. if you have one PLEASE i will forever be indebted to you
#🍂 arian's shit#embalming#i need it for a fic#where character A preserves Character B's dead body#but like the embalming has got to be so that the body doesn't decompose or rot at all#or at least not for 10+ years#it's been like almost a 100 years old since lenin died and he's looking pretty good#whatever process he is going through i think i will need to make my character follow that
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#i think getting nearly firecracker-bombed the other evening affected me more than i realized at the time#because this has been by far the worst new year's ever for me#in the past i was never more than mildly annoyed by it and even enjoyed the midnight fireworks climax#but i think i might have actually gotten a bit traumatized by that experience two days ago#and hadn't acknowledged it to myself / processed it. as today/tonight has demonstrated#it's past 3 a.m. now and i'm still crying too hard to sleep#and my whole body has been shaky for the past... 10 hours. or so.#even though the fireworks at midnight weren't really that bad at all#not even close to being as terrifying as the three explosions earlier this evening#which in their turn were easily outdone by the street explosion on saturday night that deafened me#i think i may be having a legit delayed trauma response to that now#re-triggered every time a firework goes off near me#i've never been someone who feels much fear#i feel stress and anger and discomfort and i worry and overthink sometimes#i've done a lot of things in my life while thinking 'well. this might be about to kill me. but we all die someday'#and never till this weekend did i feel terror on this level#(a technically unjustified terror too. bc inside my flat i'm almost 100% safe. so that again suggests a trauma response)#i don't think i've ever cried from sheer fear for my safety before#and every post i see saying 'happy new year' makes me feel sick bc it reminds me of this horrible weekend#it's wild how my lifelong feelings about fireworks could change so completely in the course of just three days#for the first time in my life i feel the need for one of those drugs that blunts your emotions and helps relax you#what is that... xanax or something like that? how do you get it? do you need a prescription?#i feel like a doctor would just scoff if i told them that NYE fireworks traumatized me so bad i need medication now#i've been trembling for hours. i'm so tired. i wish i could sleep#*three days ago
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two different rabbis directly to me + multiple places online: jewish imposter syndrome is real and is (to varying degrees) almost a universal experience in one way or another
me, who has been actively practicing for over nine months and taken multiple classes while also being halachically jewish by birth: i am the exception and am an imposter in jewish spaces and should feel bad about it. no i will not elaborate on why i believe this is true of me and no one else.
#to be clear NONE of this shame is being messaged to me by my shul#i’m just so insecure since i was raised religiously christian and only officially stopped attending church in 2020#*february 2020#even though i’d been drawn to judaism and deeply uncomfortable with christianity for years before that#and also had a degree of jewish identity through my family and celebrating holidays secularly growing up#i stayed as long as i did because 1) the liturgy was familiar#and 2) i’d be guaranteed to see my best friend once a week#converts have to go through a gauntlet. i feel like i’ve…cheated.#part of me wonders if i should pursue an affirmation#whether it would help i mean#but if i did my jewish grandfather would rise from the grave and say ‘YOU DON’T NEED IT BECAUSE YOU’RE PERFECTLY JEWISH AS YOU ARE’#on the other hand he was also an atheist and probably would have mixed feelings on me practicing at all#although i’m not the only grandkid who’s done so#two of my cousins (their mom is my mom’s sister) were raised catholic but switched to judaism at least 10 years ago#to my knowledge neither of them went through an affirmation process#ughhhhh#my posts#jumblr#i guess i did elaborate why in the tags huh
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If you ever see me becoming one of those transmisandry people, please fucking call me out immediately.
#it shouldn't happen though i am too triggered by MRA-lite material#i can't see that changing any time soon even though i haven't had exposure to the content for like 10 years#the transmisandry discourse on this site melts my brain it's awful it's just online stuff being argued about more online stuff#this is not the same as me saying i will never be treated badly for being transmasc i am not stupid i know that happens#and i am fully committed to fighting the patriachy which has nothing whatsoever to do with my individual manhood or anyone else's#it's a system and yes gender and how we fit into the patriachy is made extremely complicated in trans circles and that's ok!#i promise it is you don't have to design a new system that cis women and trans women are using to do oppression on specifically trans mascs#we're all being fucked over by the patriachy and how the fuck does it help to be divided#but in reality let's face it i can say this all i want but the real reason i'm never going anywhere near being a transmisandry person#is because i was exposing myself to MRA-lite content at a formative age and harming myself in the process#even if i didn't know i was a trans man guess what it would have harmed me just as much if i did have that awareness#and honestly when i see transmisandry discourse all i see is that fucking triggering stuff again#all it does is nitpick whether patriachy is real with tiny examples it doesn't talk systemicly and it doesn't help men in the slightest#it pays lipservice to marginised men but it has no interest in talking about the fact that men are usually simultaenously#oppressed and oppressor at the same time- this is not accusatory it is just factual#it's true of the queer community too and basically every community#but we can't seem to talk about it without just harming each other and blaming and not seeing each other as human#the internet makes it all so much fucking worse this stuff can't exist without it#anyway i'm super rambling but these are genuinely very triggering topics for me i have unfollowed people i LOVE becuase of this#and i still love them! unfollowing on a social media isn't a referendum on that i just can't see that stuff and i need it gone from my dash
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it's possible i'm going to get, like, really into tmbg, just to give me a thing to do
#and a new tm*g band to post just on the edge of too irritatingly about. since i guess i. need one#theres various lore. there's tv spots. i can choose something moderately obscure but still obviously not actually obscure#and get a little self-righteous about someone else doing it wrong even though that's not really how this works#alternately i'm deliriously tired and just really enjoying youtube hit ''sapphire bullets of pure cleaning''#box opener#hey do you guys remember how like 6 or 10 years ago#there was someone in our general extended tumblr orbit who was like. really genuinely doing horny/blorbified posting about the tmbg men#who i would just run across on occasion and experience deep incomprehension about#i don't think i'll come to understand them further through this process if i'm honest#but it would be really funny to find their blog again someday now knowing what band they're talking about.
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projecting onto characters is all fun and games until you look up attachment theory
#writers block period but its because i need a few business hours to process like 10 different revelations I've spent years ignoring#devon thinks sometimes
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A friend of mine is graduating, but she knows i won't be able to be there cause I'm flooded with exams until january and she just
messaged me saying she's gonna print a picture of me and take it so i can be there with her i???? the honor?? 😭
#im so exhausted ive barely been able to process but just#im so grateful like#we've been apart for so long now but she still#orz#man having friends is such a rollercoaster idk if i can take it#being tossed aside by 10+ friendships over their recently acquired boyfriends#meanwhile someone i spent a year with is doing this#i took some time away from most cause i needed to focus on my studies and also bc so many of them disappointed me#in a way or another#meanwhile there is her and#one that i havent talked in a while messaging me to gift me art for my birthday#honestly :')#the majority of what i considered my friends making me want to give up on friendships#meanwhile 3 people holding that falling building#i wonder if they noticed#if i manage to get out of this hole#these 3 will have been my lifeline#my last line of defense#it's so interesting#the ones holding me rn arent the ones i expected#im so grateful#i hope I'll be more grateful in the future#rn it's tough#geez this got long#i used to live trusting friendships but i realize i cant do that#but it's nice to have them#personal#i should probably delete this later
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