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giantkillerjack · 1 year ago

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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bixels · 6 months ago

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Scary Sunset.

I'm concepting things way outta order in this story, but I'm sure you can piece things together. Context is for a storybeat where, after defeating and capturing Adagio (thus having all three sirens in her possession), Sunset enacts her revenge plot to release the sirens on Canterlot as Thea discovers she's been manipulated. In a confrontation, the two scuffle and fight over the siren orbs while Sunset struggles with her conflicting wants and emotions.

#mlp #sunset shimmer #twilight sparkle #twiset #the orbs are the glass balls sunset carries on her back btw its in her cast line up art #deep down sunset hates thea. she was named “twilight” by celestia. the time of day succeeding sunset. she was always her replacement #but at this point in the story sunset's also fallen for thea. so it's also a conflict of wills in sunset. love or hatred.#hence the “don't make me do this” language. she's rationalizing her hatred and violence as thea forcing her hand and getting in her way #when in reality she doesn't need to do any of this. it's her last stand and outburst to cling to a life of revenge that she's grown too #fond of. because she knows thea has the power to change that and disrupt her identity as a pathetic victim who fell from glory #and that's scary. thea's a very scary thing to sunset because suddenly sunset wants something and to be someone new.#she suddenly wants to change. to be better for someone else. and she never thought or believed that could be an option for her #anyways toxic yuri yayyy #my art #the grand galloping 20s #character design #i hope i got across the pained conflicted emotions in sunset's face tho i belabored over them these past 3 days #i hope a look of anger and dissonance and guilt and “oh god i don't really wanna hurt you please just obey me” while trying to intimidate #is readable. if so it's all in the eyebrows babey

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eydilily · 1 day ago

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took a stab at arcane style pearl and etho :J

this was supposed to be a quick(er) study but i ended up coloring it anyway !!! i personally prefer the original grayscale version over the colored ones (especially etho);;

#pearlescentmoon #ethoslab #hermitcraft #life series #this was fun!!! ive been having so much fun trying out new things #pearl definitely leans closer to cc!pearl but like . her face is right there and shes gorgeous why change anything #but i am also not a realism artist whatsoever so ... i tried pearl i love you #boo at my boring etho design #i need to think of a better mask design for him but head empty still #eydidraws #my art #mcyt #hc #trafficblr #also fun to paint again #i miss rendering ive just been doing flats

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charlietheepicwriter7 · 6 months ago

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Talia found Yasmin's hide out only two days after the bomb.

It wasn't easy. Yasmin had hidden herself well - her monthly reports had never mentioned an acquaintanceship with Vladimir Masters, the absolute gall of that girl - in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin. She bypassed the few security measures with ease, eventually finding her daughter sitting at a kitchen table, hyperventilating.

"What happened?" Talia's voice was cold and demanding.

"The-" Yasmin gasped before stealing herself. "The Fentons are dead."

"I know the Fentons are dead." Talia circled the girl. "One split navel to throat, the other strangled. What. Happened?"

"The Fentons discovered their son was a Meta. Specifically, they thought he had been replaced with the extradimentional species they study." She took a deep breath. "By the time I had discovered their actions, Daniel was... dissected on a table."

Talia closed her eyes. She knew from Yasmin's reports that she'd been acting as the Fenton child's primary caretaker since her adoption and a fondness had developed. "Yasmin-"

"Don't, Mother." She snapped. "Don't act like this is anything less than a tragedy."

"I know-"

"He was a child-"

"Everything's been taken care of," Talia said. "As far as the authorities are concerned, Jasmine Fenton died in that explosion you caused. You need to return now-"

"No!" Yasmin bolted to her feet, glaring at Talia. "He's dead, Mother! An innocent child, the child I raised as my own, is dead because I couldn't protect him! Don't you dare try to sweep this under the rug like... like Danny was something shameful! I'm not leaving! I have to-"

Time Out.

Yasmin shut her mouth mid-sentence, giving Talia time to convince her off her self-destructive path.

"What happened to Daniel is a tragedy, Yasmin. But wallowing in grief and what-ifs only leads to further pain." Talia sighed. "The Fentons and the research you were so fascinated with are gone now. You made sure of that. It's time for you to return home and put that knowledge to use."

Yasmin stared down at her hands. Odd that Talia hadn't noticed, but Yasmin's hands cradled a small, dark blue jewel, polished into a smooth, oblong oval. It glittered under the candlelight, like stars in the sky.

Yasmin swallowed the rock and spoke, refusing to acknowledge what she'd just done. "You are right, Mother. The time of Jasmine Fenton is gone now." She stared straight at Talia, no trace of fear in her gaze. For a moment, Talia wondered where her child had gone. Yasmin never met her eyes unless prompted to when she was growing up. Now she was met with a younger version of herself with cheap dyed-red hair, with the same level of determination that made Talia the Right Hand of the Demon Head. "I will mourn for Danny... on my own time. For now, what is my mission?"

Talia studied her daughter. There was a reason why she'd hidden the girl so far out of the way of her Father and her son. Yasmin was a strong fighter, but had her father's heart, despite her willingness to kill. She'd always reminded Talia of a bodyguard rather than an assassin, but Yasmin wanted to go her own way, wanted to study everything. For years, Talia had indulged her daughter, but now it was time for her to return to the fold.

"For the next month, you will be training to remove any weakness the Fentons may have left in you. After that, you will be guarding an ally for me."

"Which ally?"

"A boy a few years older than you, a son of the Bat." Yasmin didn't react to the mention of her father. Good. "His mind is infirm, but by the time you finish your training, he will be ready to strike a blow against Gotham. You will act as his guard during his training and act as my spy while he's in Gotham. Do you understand?"

For a moment, Yasmin's hand brushed her stomach before she forced her fists to her sides. "Yes, Mother. I will do as you ask."

#dc x dp #dp x dc #dpxdc #dcxdp #jasmine al ghul #yasmin al ghul #c: talia al ghul #c: clockwork #c: danny fenton #reincarnated danny fenton #Or re-grown might be the better term #danny needs to regrow his human body after the Fentons killed him #danny could have been reincarnated properly; it would have taken a few years maybe decades but it would have happened #clockwork gives Jazz/Yasmin the choice to raise Danny as her own son from her own blood #and when Jazz compares her life as an assassin/spy to that as Danny's (sweet loving Danny who adored her) caretaker #she knows which life she can't live without #also Yasmin does know Damian exists but has never met him #she knows there's a heir and knows its her full-blooded brother but that's it - no emotional connection so she doesn't care #I can see this ending up Anger Management with a side of pre-reveal Red Hood Jason thinking he's the baby daddy #with Jazz violently disagreeing with that assumption

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hinamie · 4 months ago

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binding vow

#my art #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #megumi fushiguro #fushiguro megumi #megumi #fanart #jjk fanart #done....collapses #up until 3am last night n sitting fr another 8 hours today to finish....#g o d #the things i do fr him.....#let it no longer b said that i only do elaborate paintings rife with symbolism tht feature gojo. megu my one true muse #as is Correct and Just #real talk tho i was just sketching th things i wanted to include without giving much thought to the Themes #w the exception being the spider lilies lmao I Know What Those Mean #but i ended up with a REALLY good life/death/marriage/loyalty thing going on????#w the lotus/spider lily being purity+rebirth/death #((not 2 mention 'far from the one he loves' like HELLO?????))#also w the temari balls being associated w femininity but having him dressed in groom's attire #like???? 90% unplanned but i ended up both cooking And eating #also happy 2 report that betta fish were kinder 2 me than the koi were :) no trouble from these lil guys #in fact everything abt this piece kind of came easily beyond the initial colour swatch??#thank u fr being an easy subject megu ilysm im sorry abt all the death imagery i dont mean it pls focus instead on th Life imagery :((((#i put a ring on it so u gotta wake up.....cant leave yuuji @ th altar ....#SPEAKING OF THE RING IK ITS ON THE RIGHT HAND we've been over this and its Okay #if i read a single comment .........#sorry 2 that one person who was like 'the next binding vow better be at itfs' wedding' ik this probably wasnt what u meant #but it did inspire me smile :)#anyway i need 2 stop looking at this its been over 24 hours

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wistfulwatcher · 5 months ago

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3.18 The Crossing | 17.04 Kingdom of the Blind

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ohrackham · 3 months ago

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what was the point of lila thinking home was a feeling she didn't deserve and could never earn until she found diego. what was the point of them finding deep, meaningful love in each other. what was the point of lila opening her heart and confessing that all she really wanted was a family with him.

what was the point of developing diego and lila over two seasons, creating such a beautiful, chaotic bond, just to destroy it for no reason.

#the umbrella academy #diego x lila #lila pitts #diego hargreeves #what was the point!!!!!!#isn't it great when there's no character resolution and everyone just gets erased from existence #instead of giving us emotional closure they just added more pain and trauma and called it a day #what was it all for exactly. to give the handler a peaceful happy life of all people #don't even get me started on the bracelet or that awful pointless love triangle #steve blackman is gross and so is the way he talks about lila like she's not even a character in her own right but just an afterthought #someone who was there to pair with five while diminishing all that she is #five needed a love story so they just shoved lila into that role as if she were some random accessory to five's story #rather than her own character with thoughts and feelings #a woman's entire character arc is ruined just to give a guy a love interest #i feel sick #i've already mentioned some of this on twitter but whatever #as you can probably guess i'm not going to gif this so-called new season #lila deserved better. diego deserved better. we deserved better

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jellydragons · 10 days ago

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been watching a lot of hermitcraft recently and am happy to report that i am hopelessly endeared by these little goobers 💕 they’re like bugs to me

close ups under the cut!

gonna be real this was absolutely just me taking the opportunity to get my grubby lil mitts all up in their character designs lol i heart interpreting mc skins

#my post #my art #hermitcraft #hermitcraft fanart #oh boy here we go #zedaph #tangotek #bdoubleo100 #bdubs #rendog #falsesymmetry #stressmonster101 #iskall85 #cubfan135 #goodtimeswithscar #WHY are there so MANYYY (<- is the one who drew that many)#anyways i love them they’re so…………#also just for the record i have Peaked with that lil ouppy rendog just LOOK AT HIMMM #i will never draw anything better than that he’s literally perfect #don’t. don’t worry about how long it took to draw one tiny thing it definitely wasn’t embarrassingly long struggling with dog legs #i’m also really proud of horsegirl bdubs giving his horf a big ol ‘MWAH!’ but that’s just because that one’s real cute :)#but yeah this was just a lil somethin somethin i poked at whenever i was in a Mood and needed something to draw forrr however many months #i tried challenging myself to draw hermits i probably wouldn’t much otherwise :)#it was fun i love designing my interpretations of various skins #it was really funny tho how i was fighting for my LIFE drawing zed and meanwhile ren and stress turned out perfect first try #was that purely on me for giving him wool and a terrible angle to draw a face at?#……..yeah probably but STILL #but i’m really pleased with how he turned out so 100% worth it babyyy #anyways posting this so i’ll stop poking at it i’ve gone ‘okay it’s Officially Done’ like 5 times now lol i need to leave it alone #POSTING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE I FORGOT TO TURN ON A LAYER AND DIDN’T NOTICEEE IF YOU SAW THE OG POST NO YOU DIDN’T

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atalana · 1 year ago

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so the good place is widely lauded on this site for its takes on morality and capitalism, which i totally agree with

but i think it should get more recognition for the line "all humans are aware of death. so we're all a little bit sad all the time. that's just the deal. we don't get offered any better ones. and if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. i've been there, and everybody's been there. so don't fight it. in the words of a very wise bed bath and beyond employee i once knew - go ahead and cry all you want. but you're gonna have to pay for that toilet plunger."

#i dunno i've been thinking about grief lately #and i think the nature of humanity is everyone's grieving something #it might not always be as straightforward as the death of a loved one - sometimes it is #but sometimes you're grieving a life you never got to live #the person you used to be #hell an old toy you just realised you lost years ago and are never going to get back #we're all just a little bit sad all the time #and i think looking at the world like that makes it a lot more friendly place #because everyone is someone who needs a bit of comfort - or just someone to say hey its okay to be sad and angry and confused #and when you're finally ready to let whatever you're grieving go the world will be a happier place #and you'll find a new thing to grieve because there's always something to be a little bit sad about #but the world keeps getting better for every one you get through and every friend who helps you through it #and sometimes you just need to throw a dumb joke in there at the end #that's what it means to be human #the good place #tgp

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minhosblr · 5 months ago

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Minho playing with kittens for 12 minutes straight (aka the kitten interview)

Bonus

#bystay #createskz #stray kids #lee know #linosource #*m.gif #*minho #analook #usersemily #melontrack #dreamytag #mimotag #userlau #kpopccc #malegroupsnet #everybody say thank you taylor times three hundred because being able to gif this saved my lifeee #dude did not hear any of the questions and neither did i #buzzfeed heard me saying i'd gif all his close ups and then he didn't get any lol #but he had the time of his life and that's all that matters to me #they put him in the middle because cat dude but then buzzfeed couldn't care less lol #also the cuts were so fast and that was annoying #but please look at him #dare i say this was wayyyyy better than the puppy interview (i'm biased)#kittens so many kittens i love #i need a minho fancam from this or smth #need to watch it again to actually hear the questions and they're answers lmao #gifs

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moonsnqil · 3 months ago

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Kevin watching Jean ask Jeremy if he's okay, watching Jean offer to hold Laila's bag so she can fix her shoe, watching Jean hand Cat a granola bar before a game because she looked a little unsteady. He's not jealous, he had his time by Jean's side. Maybe it's grief. Grief for something that was never so innocent, never so untouched by cruel hands, something that could've been better if they were anyone else. Grief for something that's long passed and can never be fixed to be made better than before. He had his time at the receiving end of Jean's concerned glances. Maybe he's just a little sad that when he's at an away game, he no longer buys post cards for a friend. Maybe he just misses this person who used to always be by his side but they both knows it's better this way. Jean is happy, it's not with Kevin, and that's okay.

#god i need to stfu #but i just like the idea of a kevin who knows that jean is in a better place physically emotionally spiritually whatever #and he knows that it's a good thing and he loves seeing his friend like this #he's not jealous but maybe he thinks about how that could've been them in another life #just a little sorrowful at the thought that once they knew everything about each other and now they can hardly hold a conversation #bittersweet feelings over burnt bridges and bad blood #its no ones fault and they know this #Kevin just wants his friend to be happy #listen i think we as a community could explore this dynamic more #does this even make sense #aftg #all for the game #the foxhole court #tsc #jean moreau #kevin day

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fiona-fififi · 17 days ago

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Call me homophobic, but I don't actually think it's great representation to stick a complex, dynamic, newly-realized bisexual character permanently with a flat, boring, underdeveloped love interest just because that was the first guy who showed interest.

#in my hater era #like what you like #but goddamn #the argument that this is somehow outstanding queer representation is baffling #they have had 13 episodes to DO something with this character and they have chosen not to #no development anywhere #even though they literally brought him back so there is built-in background ripe for the picking #and yet #anti bucktommy #anti tommy kinard #the saddest part is #i don't even hate him #he's not important enough to hate #there is just absolutely nothing to him #and that's sad because whether or not he was intended to be long-term or endgame #the writers are better than this and the character SHOULD have SOME development #like why are we all swooning over 911 shoehorning in a returning character to tell a bi buck story #but treating that character like the most expendable love interest in history #i don't like him but actually i think queer characters #and especially ones who are part of such a major later-in-life bisexual realization storyline for a beloved main #deserve a little more respect than what 911 has been giving him #anyway #might delete later i don't know #also i need to stop looking at the 911 subreddit #worst takes i've ever seen that place is a cesspool

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jesuis-assez · 3 months ago

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Tim unconsciously sending/showing signals of his feelings for Lucy

#chenford #chenfordedit #the rookie #therookieedit #tim x lucy #tim and lucy #lucy x tim #jesuis-assez edits: chenford #Or rather Tim's body responding to what his mind has not yet caught up with and his actions showing/ revealing #his feelings in full display. Or rather Tim's mind suppressing what he doesn't want to acknowledge #Tim closing the door to the possibility of having developed feelings for Lucy while she was his rookie or rather ..#Tim not thinking of Lucy in that light as she was his rookie but feeling so much for her and not understanding what he was feeling.#Because this is uncharted territory for him. This feels different. What he feels for her and what she has given him.#Or rather Tim needing to be in control and how he couldn't control his heart letting Lucy in.#Or rather allowing Lucy to take space in his heart gradually until she covers it completely with her love and kindness #and not realising just how deeply he had fallen for her. How she came to be this important person in his orbit #How she came in his life and changed it for the better. How she was his rookie and his friend and how this one person could mean so much #and how he can't bare to lose her.#How little control he had over how he feels for her and how he came to accept and embrace that #how the entire foundation they built was worth risking and exploring to him #because how could something so beautiful not be?#*takes a breath * ok. I wish I could convey all of this more eloquently but my brain is just not having it.

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akindplace · 14 days ago

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I have loved in silence before

But it will not do.

Love exists to be poured

To be looked at, to be heard, to drink from.

Here, have a glass of this wonder

Tell me how it tastes of something vulnerable.

I have loved despite the fear of losing.

I have loved despite (and in spite) of death

I still keep loving even from afar.

If the border that separates us

Is one I haven’t crossed yet,

You still exist in a way - as you live in my heart.

Love is never wasted,

And mine is ever-flowing,

A river finding its way to your ocean.

#original writing #can’t sleep so I wrote a poem #I kinda needed to talk about this and now I feel a little better #writers on tumblr #on love #on being human #on life #me #my post #my writing

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yrsonpurpose · 10 months ago

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Thank you from the bottom of my heart for having saved me. I was drowning and you threw yourself into the water without hesitation, without a backward look.

#rwrb #rwrbedit #red white and royal blue #alex x henry #firstprince #userninz #userveronika #chrissiewatts #usersteen #usermegsb #usernuria #userclara #mine*#back doing another one of these lmfaoo askfjgd #oouughhh they just love and support each other so!! much!!!!#they are making each other better and they ALWAYS know what the other one needs #and i think thats the most beautiful :')#'its my life' 'doesnt mean you have to accept it' such an underrated line ouch

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sodamnbored · 8 months ago

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Catching Up

Thalia: So what happened after Juno took you? Where did you go? Were you safe, happy?

Jason, uncomfortably brushing her off: Well, it’s a long story and kind of a bummer haha. You don’t wanna hear that right now.

Thalia, softly: Jason, I’ve waited thirteen years to hear your sad stories.

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