#i miss my friends so bad but im so scared to reach out! cause im always the third wheel/least liked but im so afraid to talk to them but i

[little-ajax-56793]

.

[puppetlooselystrung]

bro having a depression spike on april fools is not cool. ots like god saying april fools! youre the fool

[taeyongdoyoung]

summary: your best friend brags complains that he can't get laid due to his huge dick posing a threat to random girls at parties, so you offer to fix his little big problem pairing: soobin x reader genre: smut, best friends to lovers warnings: explicit language, big dick soobin (canon event), size kink, foreplay, eating out, blowjob, hugging, fingering, size training, creampie, consensual intercourse, kissing, aftercare, allusions to death in a sexual context, lowkey possessive soobin at the end author's note: the killa is on my mind 24/7 and im down bad for soobin 25/8 🥵 so i had to get it out of my system somehow 🤷 word count: 2k

“You’re kidding, right?” you ask your best friend when he makes a rather shocking confession as the two of you are sitting in his bedroom after one of your usual anime marathons.

“I wish I was. But I would never lie to you,” Soobin responds truthfully. His big moist eyes look a 100% genuine but it still sounds so...bizarre.

“Let me get this straight…Every time you try to hook up with a girl at one of those parties Yeonjun keep dragging you to, you go to a room, eat them out like the generous, selfless guy you are, and then after you take off your pants, they get scared by your gigantic cock and refuse to have sex, running away in horror?”

“That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to explain for the past 10 minutes, yeah,” Soobin confirms with a very adorable pout on his stupid face.

You shake your head in utter disbelief.

“I’m sorry but this is just ridiculous. Any girl would be happy to hook up with a guy that has a huge dick.”

“Well, I guess not any girl ‘cause this shit has happened three times already and I’m at my limit. Why can’t I just get laid?” Soobin bemoans his tragic destiny.

“No, I don’t get it. The least they could do is give you a quickie or something to return the favour. It’s so rude to just sprint away. I can’t believe your cock is that terrifying.”

“Ugh, please stop saying that. It’s so embarrassing,” Soobin covers his face behind his big hands. Hold on a minute…

“If what you’re saying is true, then I think it’s pretty hot. Those girls are surely missing out.”

“Or maybe they’re just looking after themselves. Like…I’m not mad at them for being spooked out, I just wish I could finally get some, you know?” Soobin sighs.

“Death by dick does seem appealing,” you shrug.

“Y/N!” he exclaims.

“Listen, what if I make you an offer? You prove to me that you weren’t exaggerating about your size and I promise I won’t run away and will take care of your…frustrations.”

“Are you seriously suggesting this?” Soobin freaks out. “This could ruin our friendship.”

“I won’t be weird about it, I swear. What do you say?”

“Fuck it. I’m so horny that this actually sounds like a good idea,” Soobin admits. “Can I eat you out first?”

“Erm, if you insist,” you reply, suddenly feeling nervous.

“I just wanna take care of you, make sure you’re all nice and wet for me,” Soobin explains patiently.

“You really don’t have to,” you reassure him.

“I know but it’d be awkward for me to just whip it out. Please?”

“Oh…okay,” you really can’t imagine saying no when he’s asking you so sweetly. God, what did you get yourself into?

Soobin takes off your leggings and panties in one swift movement and pushes you down gently on the bed so you are in a lying position. He spreads your thighs apart and looks at your pussy, already glistening with wetness caused by the conversation you’ve been having. Soobin smirks but doesn’t say anything about it. You’re grateful for that as he dives in, licking and kissing all over you. Fucking hell, if his tongue is capable of making you feel this way, you are slightly unnerved to find out what his cock can achieve. But unlike those girls at the parties, you are determined to never run away from your best friend.

Soon enough, you reach your high, overwhelmed by Soobin’s insane tongue movements and his big hands gripping your thighs. You need a few moments to gather your thoughts and when you are finally able to speak, those are the first words that leave your mouth:

“I think they fleed because you eat pussy like a starved animal. Seriously, what the hell was that?”

Soobin chuckles nervously and runs his fingers through his black hair, pushing it back and exposing his forehead for a bit.

“Trust me, it’s not that.”

“Prove it,” you challenge him even though you are fairly certain he’s telling the truth. Your best friend has never lied to you, so why start now?

Soobin takes off his pants, his hands are shaking and you immediately feel bad. You put your hand on his in an attempt to calm him down.

“Hey, you don’t have to if you feel uncomfortable.”

“I do want this, but after so many failed attempts, I’m so anxious…”

“I’m not going anywhere, Soobin,” you insist and squeeze his hand reassuringly.

His skin complexion looks slightly less pale and your words seem to give him the confidence he so desperately needs. Moment of truth. Soobin takes off his boxers and…Oh damn, he was not exaggerating. He’s not just big, he’s so huge a part of you wonders how is it humanly possible to carry such a weapon around and maintain the gentle, humble composure with which Soobin carries himself.

“You’re not running yet,” he jokes.

“Soob?”

“Y-yeah?” his voice cracks, he is obviously terrified of what you’re going to say.

“I’m not gonna lie to you, I finally get why these girls ran away.”

“Oh,” he sounds a little dejected, as if already expecting you to go back on your offer.

“But! That’s not gonna stop me. Just tell me what you want first and I’ll try my best to make you happy.”

“Huh?” Soobin is too flustered to process your words.

“My hands, my mouth, or my pussy, what do you want first?”

“You mean…you’re willing to give me all of them?” he blinks in shock.

This poor, precious boy. Did he really face disappointment so many times that he is now looking a gift horse in the mouth with such uncertainty?

“Just pick, Soobie, I promise I’ll give you anything you need.”

“Um…can you suck me off? Please?”

Gosh, he’s so adorable you want to eat him.

You nod a little too enthusiastically and go down on your knees, taking as much of his cock as you can. It’s a tight fit but what you can’t put inside your mouth you make up for by wrapping your hands around him. You suck and lick and touch him, eager to give him as much pleasure as he did you. Your beloved best friend has obviously been frustrated for a while now because it doesn’t take him long to cum inside your mouth. There is so much you can’t manage to swallow it all despite your valiant efforts and you see some of it falling down your cheeks. You wipe it off with a finger, sticking it into your mouth, grinning widely at Soobin.

“Fuck, you’re incredible. What…how…are you okay?”

He presses his big palm against your cheek and it takes a lot of self-control for you to not melt right there and then.

“I’m great. Did…did it feel good for you?” you ask sheepishly.

You’re not particularly confident about your skills but you genuinely did your best for him.

“Are you crazy? It felt insanely good,” Soobin takes your hand, lifting you up and wrapping his arms around you in a hug.

“I’m glad,” you respond, feeling safer and warmer than ever before in your life.

“Do…you still want to…you know?” Soobin asks.

“If you’re asking whether you can put your cock inside my pussy, then yeah, go for it. As long as it’s something you want, of course.”

You keep reminding him to only do things he’s completely okay with, because you would hate to put your best friend in a situation he doesn’t enjoy just because of your greed.

“I want you so bad, you have no idea. But I think I’ll need to stretch you out a bit, yeah?”

“O-okay,” you quickly agree and in no time, Soobin’s long fingers are inside of your pussy, going deeper than your own have ever been and making you feel things you never even dreamed about.

“How does it feel?” Soobin asks in concern.

“Heavenly,” you admit and just as you’re about to reach your second orgasm, Soobin’s fingers leave you.

“N-no, why’d you do that?” you whine frustratedly.

“Wanna feel you come around my cock.”

As it turns out, you'd like this just as much so you quickly forgive him for ruining your orgasm.

“I think I have a condom in my-“ Soobin starts but you cut him off.

“I’m taking a pill. And I believe we’re both clean, so…”

“You gon’ let me fuck you raw?” Soobin inquires, not wanting to make assumptions.

“Yeah, I trust you,” you reply with conviction.

“You’re a dream,” Soobin chuckles and nudges the head of his cock against your moist entrance. You brace yourself for some level of discomfort and are surprised that it doesn’t come right away. Soobin takes his sweet time getting inside you, making sure you’re okay.

“Fuck, Soob, you're so big,” you moan, already feeling overstimulated.

“This is just the tip, baby,” he explains shyly, which makes you lose your mind.

Soobin goes deeper very slowly, making you feel every inch, stretching you out bit by bit.

“How much more?” you ask somewhat impatiently.

“Just a little bit. Can’t help it that your pussy is so tiny,” he teases you.

“Not my fault your dick is so gigantic,” you bite right back.

“I promise, I'll try my best not to split you in half,” Soobin jokes, which does little to ease your worries, but at the same time only makes you wetter.

“Keep talking to me,” you plead for him.

“Does it hurt?” he wants to know, as he keeps entering you further.

“It’s a good kind of hurt,” you explain, wincing slightly.

Once you’ve gotten used to it, you signal to Soobin that he can start moving and he does just that, fucking into you with an impressive speed. You try to meet him halfway, lifting your hips up for him, melting into one.

“You’re taking it so well, my darling best friend,” Soobin praises you relentlessly.

“Anything for you, Soobie,” you cry out in sweet bliss.

“I’m close,” Soobin confesses soon enough.

“Fill me up,” you beg him, almost in a daze, deeply affected by his overpowering presence.

He doesn’t need to be asked twice and spills his seed inside of you. It feels so good that you cum with him, walls clenching around his enormous dick. Soobin leans down to kiss you, further blurring the lines between friendship and…whatever this is.

Then, he takes his cock out and you realize something far more terrifying than his intimidating size - you are falling in love with your best friend.

Soobin quickly brings a towel and a bottle of water, taking care of you like no one else before. You want to cry, touched by his sweetness and falling even further.

“How do you feel?” Soobin brushes a piece of hair behind your ear.

“I feel…like I'm on another planet,” you confess shakily.

Soobin chuckles, visibly relieved to hear that.

“You’re so cute,” he murmurs, enveloping you in a hug. His large frame towers over you and if it was anyone else, you’d probably feel slightly threatened. But this is Soobin, and even though he just fucked your brains out, you feel completely safe and protected. Safe enough to be honest about how you feel.

“I know I promised not to be weird about it but…I don’t think I can go back to being friends.”

Soobin pales for a moment, scared of losing you.

“Why not?” he blinks, barely restraining his tears.

“I wanna belong to you,” you try to ease his worries by openly saying what your heart and soul desire.

“Oh…But baby, you already do,” Soobin suddenly beams with excitement. “And I belong to you, too.”

“I think you killed me a little,” you laugh. “Killed my pussy with your big cock and ruined me for other men.”

Soobin raises an eyebrow.

“Bold of you to assume that I’d let other men near your pussy. You’re all mine now.”

The End

[dirtypr0mises]

I MISS YOU , IM SORRY ⋆ — b. eilish

in which; — you were tired of the confusing situation you and billie were in , i mean come on , you and billie would sometimes flirt , sometimes be bestfriends , sometimes hate eachother & make eachother jealous , some messy make out sessions , late night fun , only texting you after 11 some days and one or two drunken confessions . so you decided to walk out of this toxic , pointless.. you don’t even know what to call it . but billie wanted to show you what you really meant to her , i mean actions speak louder than words , right ?

billie eilish x fem!reader

cw: mean billie , makeout sesh , mentions of drinking , mentions of sexual intercourse , two women loving eachother (scaring the homophobes away)

yapyap: this is my first time writing on tumblr bare w me plsss

you and billie were right in the middle of kissing, and your shirt was almost off. a call brightened the screen of billies phone which caused the both of you to look down, ‘madeline’s name ran across the screen, the name of her previous situationship, who’d been brought up every now and then. billie hurriedly, but softly pushed you away, grabbing the phone and answering, standing up.

“hey, mads” she said, making your eyes jolt up to hers. mads was a nickname she only ever used when her and madeline were talking again. weird.

“oh really? mm i’ll be there soon” she smiled and hung up the phone, leaving her confused. “gotta run, i have something to take care of” she said, barely making eye contact. you didn’t see the smirk on her face when she turned around and left, not even putting her shoes on, but you knew she had smirked.

you made sure that as soon as she got back, you were on your way out. and so you did, you had everything in your hand, and the hello kitty key she had made for you was on the dresser by the apartment entrance.

your heart beat was practically reaching the other side of the door as you heard the door unlock, and you had starting walking out the apartment as soon as she finished walking in

“baby, where are you headed?” she slurred, she was drunk. you could smell it. she looked at you, eyebrows furrowed, confused as if she didn’t just hook up with her ex situationship

you scoffed, shaking your head. “i don’t know, but probably far away from your place” you said, continuing to walk. she was still confused. pathetic

“but why?” she asked, grabbing your hand, in which you yanked your hand back. “you just fucked madeline and your asking me why i’m leaving? i’m done with whatever we are, billie! i’m tired of this!” you said, your eyes now glossy.

“we’re just friends, my bad if you thought anything different” she laughed a little, putting her hands up mockingly

“and that’s your problem” and with that you left

that was 3 months ago, you’d move on with your life. i mean yea you did think of her sometimes, but you were tired of whatever was going on between you two.

just then, you received a call from an unknown number, but you’d recognized the number because the last 3 digits were 222, yalls lucky number. you looked at your phone wide eyed.

you picked up, like an idiot. “hello?” you said, and then you heard the voice you dreaded hearing. “hey.”

it was a quick phone call, all she said was “please come to my apartment, maybe for like 5 minutes, that’s all i need” and all you said was “why so you can just fu- nevermind, i’m on my way” you said and hung up

and then you were on the way, hands shaking as you gripped the steering wheel, and when you looked out the passenger window, you saw her apartment. you took two deep breaths and walked into the apartment, going up to her floor, and knocking on the door.

she answered the door, you looked at her and she looked at you, your eyes met hers, you were actually looking at her. “hi, billie” you said, and she let you in

you paced around, and she just looked confused. “sit down” she said, and you sat down beside her, but there was enough room for someone to sit between yall.

“im sorry, my love. seriously so sorry. i know what i said that night was fucked up, but i seriously didn’t mean it.”

you didn’t know what to say, but then you remembered fully all that happened. “that doesn’t take back that you let her disrupt the time we were having, just so you can go touch and fuck on her.”

she nodded, fidgeting with her rings. when she fidgeted with her rings she craved to touch you. you looked down at her hand and when you looked back up, she was looking at you straight in the eyes. “please” she whispered, looking at your hands. you couldn’t help it, you slowly grabbed her hand and put it in your lap, holding it.

“i’m so sorry beautiful, we can just be friends if you want, but i feel so lost in life without you.” she spoke in a quiet, but convincing tone.

“how’d you go so long without talking to me then, why didn’t you reach out sooner?” you said, tears threatening to fall, and when one did, she reached her other hand out to wipe your tear. “because i felt like you’d been so much happier without me”

the truth was, you didn’t. you barely thought about her but when you did, she flooded your mind dangerously. you just didn’t know how quickly you could forgive her.

after a moment of silence, she spoke again. “i promise to never ever leave you, and to always treat you well, cross my heart” she said with a small smile, putting out her pinkie.

promising and crossing your heart was one thing between yall, but pinkie promises? that was the thing you two were known for.

you locked your pinkie with hers, kissing your end of the promise as she did hers. and that was the start of something beautiful.

moments later you were a lot closer. she had looked at your lips and you looked at hers, and yalls lips joined together, not in a steamy, sexual way, but in a way of understanding, and in a way that joined you two together, forever.

‘everywhere i go leads me back to you.’

[goodbuckcharlie]

Volleyball>> hockey

Warning: minor cussing

Notes: this is just an introduction to Randi and Ally really. I wanted to post this sooner but I also wanted to finish a few parts because I want to make this a series :)

Best friends brother masterlist

@/ Ally_hughes

Liked by _alexturcotte, Colecaufeild, tatemccrae and 325,789 others

Caption- volleyball>>hockey

Tagged- @/Randi.Kingston

View comments-

@/Randi.Kingston- you fr exposed me in that last photo

@/ally_hughes- it’s my job as your best friend to keep you humble.

@/Randi.Kingston-well then consider yourself unemployed 🖕

@/markestapa- ooo the girls are fighting

@/_quinnhughes-I hate to be the one to break it to you but everyone in your family plays hockey.

@/ally_hughes- That’s why I’m the best Hughes around💪

@/Jackhughes- The only reason you started playing volleyball is you can’t skate to save your life.

@/ally_hughes- nah I’m built different

@/trevorzegras- 🏒🏒🏒

@/colecaufield-🏒🏒🏒

@/_alexturcotte-🏒🏒🏒

@/edwards.73- 🏒🏒🏒

@/jaime.drysdale-🏒🏒🏒

@/lhughes_06-🏒🏒🏒

@/randikingston- 🏐🏐🏐

@/lhughes_06- I meant to say 🏐🏐🏐

@/umichfan1- Luke changing his answer to match Randi. He’s so in love.

@/devsfan3-Girl you are reaching so hard.

@/umichgirl6-no I think she’s on to something here

@/randi.kingston

Liked by dixiedamelio, tysmith_6, jaimedrysdale, and 467,560 others

Caption- a bad bitch and baddie friend

Tagged-Ally_hughes

View comments

@/ally_hughes- damn we are so hot

@/edwards.43- damn you are so hot

@/lhughes_06- tf u just say?

@/randi.Kingston- don’t mind e moose he talks out of his ass, but he is right Ally is hot

@/jackhughes- it’s past your curfew✋

@/ally_hughes- get out of here boomer

@/randi.Kingston- im going to block you grandpa

@/trevorzegras- don’t let the photos fool you, these two are not as nice as they look.

@/masonmctavish- they are nice they just don’t like you

@/trevorzegras- impossible I’m an absolute delight to be around

@/_quinnhughes- I hate you

@/trevorzegras- I DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING TO YOU.

@/lhughes_06- miss you both ❤️❤️

@/ally_hughes- we all know that you mean “I miss you Randi 💋💋.”

@/randi.kingston- miss you too moose

@/jackhughes- he’s giggling and kicking his feet like a little school girl

@/dawson1417- yeah and he’s muttering to himself like a dork

@/lhughes_06- I am not @/jackhughes @/dawson1417

@/luca.fantilli- last night was wild💪

@/lhughes_06- you were with them?

@/rutgermcgroarty- a couple of us were but apparently we didn’t make it on the ig.

@/randi.Kingston- you guys didn’t make the ig cause it was girls night and you just happened to be at the same bar as we were and then joined us for late night wingstop✋

@/luca.fantilli- I thought our time together meant something

@/edwards.73- you said what we had was special

@/dylanduke25- last night was the best night of my life and you’re saying it meant nothing.

@/lhughes_06- you guys are ridiculous

@/edwards.73- that’s a funny way of saying you’re jealous.

@/lhughes_06- I’m not jealous

@/markestapa- oh so you wouldn’t mind if we told you we are on our way to her dorm rn.

@/edwards.73- you did not just call mark and say “no” and then hang up?

@/umichfan6- hit me like a volleyball mami.

@/umichfan1- I’m 65% convinced this is Luke on a burner account.

@/luca.fantilli

Liked by edwards.43, lhughes_06, Brendan.brisson and 14,409 others

Caption- girls night 🤪

View comments

@/_quinnhughes- why is Edward’s holding my sister like that in that last photo?🤨

@/edwards.73- we were watching a scary movie and she got scared.

@/luca.fantilli- bruh we watched frozen

@/ally_hughes- terrifying

@/_alexturcotte- #freerandi

@/ally_hughes- what’s not photographed is Randi running around like a mad women, Luca sitting on her was the only way she would sit

@/luca.fantilli- more like poor me,she bit me

@/randi.Kingston- I did not bite you

@/lhughes_06- I was never invited to girls day when I was there.

@/ally_hughes- this is your fault, you told your friends to keep an eye on us and now they don’t leave us alone

@/randi.Kingston- moose next time I’m in Jersey we can have a girls night.

@/jackhughes-thats a weird way to ask him out on a date

[mjso-soupp]

Meet me in the South

Chapter 2: I’m not native

(Subaru Sakamaki/Fem!American!Reader)

Word count: 2.7k

TW: Mentions of blood, and Bullying(idk lol?)

Notes: Im really proud about how this one turned out, updates may be more frequent since I do have a clear schedule for now.. Thank you for my two best friends for helping me through this (ahem, bubble and Iris..)

I like feeling the water rush under my feet, in the creek behind the church.

My friends fingers gripping my bare shoulder, scared she’ll slip and fall.

I laugh and tell her it’s okay if she does, I’ll get wet with her.

We walked the winding creek down to the river, my friends waiting on the bridge above.

She held my hand when we stood on the edge of the bridge, it’s not far. It'll last a few seconds.

I feel my insides become lighter when we jump, our screams resonate together and pierce the quiet air.

Water shoots up my nose. Once I reach the shore, she smiles at me.

“See? It wasn’t so bad.”

——

February 20th 2004

“Damn, you take forever to wake up.”

The bed sunk under the weight of the two, Subaru observing her resting face, the sun went away, taking the long shadows it placed on the earth with it, and the heat it blessed life. The last seven days were warmer in the night, occasional outings gave energy to both brides and life in the mansion was thriving. Her body was huddled under the king size sheet, curled in hopes of beating the chilling air in the mansion that never left. Her eyes cracked open, fluttering open to meet Subaru’s piercing gaze.

“Is it time for school..?” She whispered, propping up on her elbow. Rubbing circles on her lids.

“Hurry up, Reijis gonna be on our asses. You wouldn’t wake up so I just sat here waiting.”

“You were watching me sleep?”

“N-not like that! Tch, I was just passing the time. I went to sleep earlier than usual, and couldn't go back to sleep.”

“Okay..” His face grew red, standing up abruptly and walking to the door.

“Just, hurry up and get ready, okay?” Slamming the door behind him, leaving the girl on the bed confused.

——

“Can you tell me the answer to number five?”

Her head lifted slowly in confusion, the bright fluorescent lights hindering her vision whilst attempting to observe the surroundings. It was class time, the lesson had been slept away. Everyone was staring at the sight before them in her groggy awakening, watching her jaw stretch open for a yawn while her arms stretched behind her back, cracking it loudly. The teacher stood at the front of the board, ruler in one hand, chalk in another, waiting for a response patiently.

“Me?” She replied,

“Yes, you. You would have a clue about what’s going on if you weren’t sleeping.”

‘What class am I even in again? There’s kanji scribbled on the board, how many kilometers are in a mile again…? This is math right?’ Bright eyes finally adjusted to the bright room, noticing a group of girls in the corner covering their mouths.

They giggled. The one that stood out, leaned over to one of the petite girls next to her, whispering in her ear causing her to giggle continuously. They eventually made eye contact with her.

The girl's name was Hana, her hair was as dark as the atmosphere around her, that fell down to her waist, eyes of emerald green that slanted ever so slightly, making her look angry all the time. She also wore her uniform loosely: Blazer that fit her a size too large, button up with a couple of them missing, short skirt that questionably adhered to the dress code and a new pair of mary jane’s everyday. All her friends however, were short: Hair, Height, and short of dignity. As opposed to her menacing personality, she was surrounded with all the bubbly, gyaru girls? And they practically worshiped the ground she walked on, wiping her fake tears for her. Her father was a politician that worked with the Sakamaki brothers' father, that was the word around the class.

“debu.” Her friends laughed even louder this time, the teacher just rolled her eyes and walked back to the board.

“Enough of that. Please try to stay awake for the next lesson.”

“Yes, maam.”

Then the bell rang, signaling lunch, everyone rushed out of the room, crowding the halls. Hana and her friends watched the girl leave the room, turning their heads, smirking when they collaborated on their idea.

The bench on the top of the roof was her designated spot, no one would greet her up there. She had gotten used to sitting peacefully, listening to the wind howl while eating whatever the cafeteria was serving. Occasionally Laito would pop up, but not much

mind was paid to him

“Look who it is, it’s debu!” She stood up and walked towards the girl. Her eyes sent a glint even through the dark night and the moon shone on her shiny polished nails.

“Hey, Debu!” Her lips parted into a wide grin, licking her red lips. The bride's face dropped into a worried expression, her heart began racing, quickening her breaths.

“What does that mean..?” Hana laughed, bringing her hand onto her hip, her pocket knife metal shining.

The same girls laugh echoed behind, the bride snapped her head around, facing the three girls.

“Gaijin, they’re such an eyesore. Don’t you agree, girls? Maybe we should teach her a lesson.”

The pocket knife flipped open in the swipe of Hana’s wrist, lunging at the bride. Hana’s arm wrapped around the brides shoulder and held the blade up to her neck.

“Stop—what are you doing!” The cold blade pressed down onto the bride's pale skin, droplets of crimson earned a hiss from the frightened girl.

“This will teach you to stay away from what isn’t yours.” The blade slicing a thin line into the bride's neck, she closed her eyes in response, chewing on her lip to muffle a scream.

“Oi! What the hell do you think you’re doing!”

Hana jumped at the sound of the vampire's voice, she shot looks at the three girls, dropped her grip on the bride and fled, along with her group. Leaving the bride confused once again, she held her neck, blood streaming down onto her white button up.

“Fuck, are you okay— You’re always causing trouble for me! I can’t waste this, okay, I’ll clean you up.”

“I’m sorry—I didn’t see them coming.”

“S-shut up, they’re gone now.”

He brought her in close, taking in her scent before pressing a flat tongue along the incision, Lapping up any remaining crimson that didn’t leave a mark on the pure white blouse.

“Thank you.”

“Tsk. don’t thank me idiot.”

——

“Come on Shuu, it’s your turn!” Yui squealed, the sleeping blond had missed the past turns, everyone groaned watching him crack his eye open, unbothered.

“I don’t even enjoy this, just go ahead for me.” he crossed his arms, sitting next to Yui on the couch, observing everyone’s moves.

“Damn man, you don’t have to be a buzzkill. Hey, you! Take his turn.” Ayato barked at the bride sitting calmly in the corner, tugging at the bandages wrapped around her neck that bothered her. The pale skin ached from how tight Subaru tied it, also the constant tugging and readjusting he went through to get it just right. He gave up after the third try, huffing and tying it lazily.

“I don't play pool.”

The redheads face dropped in anger,

“Does anyone take this shit seriously anymore? You all are just afraid to get beat by Ore-Sama!” he groaned, placing the stick down before slumping down onto the cushion.

“Don’t get so worked up Ayato! Bitch-Chan has a lot on her mind, she’s practically scratching for someone to pay mind to her!”

Laito appeared next to the girl, leaning in close. His pearly whites shine in the dim lighting of the room. Warm puffs of air tickled against her cheek, causing her to flinch.

“Fufu..Subaru’s not here, just tell me and I’ll tend to your needs~ We all know Subaru doesn’t.”

“No, it’s okay—I'm good.” She waved her hands in front of her face, blushing at the suggestive offer. Laito had begun trying to make advances towards her, his bride seemingly disappearing into thin air after that night. She wasn’t bothered though, Subaru wouldn’t allow it really.

“Are you sure Bitch-Chan?” The smirk on his face widened, amused at her flustered response. She nodded her head quickly, becoming silent for a moment before blurting out.

“What does Debu and Gaijin mean..?”

Two of the triplets laughed out loud, the corner of Shuu’s mouth turned upwards.

“Damn Chichinashi! Where’d you learn those words?”

The bride’s eyes blinked in surprise and widened, blushing before looking down at her lap. fidgeting with the hem of her skirt,

“Awe Bitch-Chan, did someone call you that at school..?”

“I mean, yeah..”

Yui’s face became worried, swinging her legs slowly over the couch and plopping down on the couch next to the bride.

“I’m sorry they were so mean to you… It’s not true.”

“What? Can you just tell me what it means..?”

Yui and Laito gave each other a quick look, but turned their gaze back to the confused girl.

“If you won’t tell her I will!” Ayato exclaimed, “Debu means fat, and Gaijin means foreigner.”

“What!?” The bride stood up abruptly, stomping to the silver floor mirror and standing before it.

“Am I really… Fat?” Twirling 360 in the mirror observing all the curves and dips on her body, poking at her belly whilst sighing.

“You’re bigger than most girls Bitch-Chan~ You know, more area back there.”

She stared at him with an annoyed expression, lifting her arm up and looking over her shoulder.

“I mean I work out so does it really matter if I’m larger…? I’m not even large! I'm healthy so what does it matter!”

The two laughed again. Kanato finally spoke up after watching the scene unfold,

“Dolls are frail and skinny, not muscular like you.”

Teddy rested on his lap, facing the girl twirl in the mirror. Its eyes suddenly held so much judgment, she had to contain her fright towards the stuffed bear.

“I think you’re beautiful! It doesn’t matter what they say, as long as you’re healthy.”

Yui complimented, smiling nervously whilst clasping her hands together.

A loud creaking caught their attention, Subaru and Reiji walked in simultaneously.

“The fuck you standing there for?” Subaru questioned

“Someone at school called Chichinashi here a fatso!”

All three of the triplets bursted out into boisterous laughter, the girl's face dropped into a low frown. Reiji rolled his eyes, pushing his glasses up before speaking.

“Whilst she may not be to our standards, I read in America they prioritize fitness and muscle training as opposed to striving for a lean structure here in this culture.” his eyes narrowed before speaking once again,

“I am glad I found you both are here, you and this lazy, good-for-nothing have something in common. I received word from your teacher that you were sleeping in class, now I also read in your file you were transferred here to seek advanced education, although I do not see how sleeping in class can be proof of that. Let me make this clear for you, I cannot have you sullying our name, so If I hear you are sleeping in class again, I will see to it that I punish you thoroughly.”

The triplets grew silent, giving each other looks trying their best to not snicker. Goosebumps grew on the girl's arms, her palms clammy from embarrassment.

“And you,” Reiji spat, awakening the blond sleeping vampire. Shuu cracked his eyes open, visibly annoyed that there was such a commotion surrounding him.

“It appears you are set to graduate this year. Although, I hardly believe you will make it through this semester before failing, like you always do.”

He smirked while crossing his arms, walking over to the couch and looking down on his older brother.

Everyone watched as the blond on the cushion sat up and swung his legs over the couch. Eyebrows furrowed downwards, his lips as well into a scowl.

“You just had to ruin the mood, like you always do.”

“Did I hit a nerve brother? Why don’t you lay down and sleep away the hours, something you’re familiar with?”

Shuu shot up off the couch, balling his fist,

“Playing the eldest doesn’t mark your title.”

Reiji’s smirk dropped, his shoulders tensed up but relaxed after realization the sets of eyes resting on his figure,

“I have done more for this household than your faltered brain could ever comprehend! Absolutely no one would miss you if you left—as a matter of fact, go ahead. Leave, see if anyone is this mansion bats a lash, go ahead and save the burden for the rest of—“

Reiji’s sentence was cut short by the sound of Shuu’s fist delivering a blow to his face. Contact between the two resulted in an immediate snap, blood spurring outwards on the ground, splattering on the black and white tile. Metal frames clinked against the floor, shattering the thin glass, scratching at the tile.

“If you want to carry on the name so desperately, for that man.. I’ll let you, this family means nothing to me.”

Yui’s face became sullen: If Shuu decided to leave, would he take her? He would be leaving her here to fend for herself with the other vampires available in the mansion, having that immunity meant she could last an eternity being tormented by these people—without an end in sight. For once, the girl didn’t feel a burning envy towards Yui. For once, she felt sorry, sorry and relieved that for once, she wasn’t being preyed upon.

Reiji sat on the floor, cradling his nose to stop the bleeding. His nose was bent, it wouldn’t be the perfect shape his father had gifted him with, Shuu had thoroughly deformed it with that one single hit, he also decided to leave with Yui while everyone watched as Reiji sat on the floor in disbelief, his eyes saucers racing with thought yet nothing could be said. The damage was done, he achieved the thing he wanted most, he was next in line.

“Tch. Let’s go,” Subaru whispered to the girl, pulling her away from the crime scene. Her eyes lingered on the splattered mess on the floor, Reiji was looking for a rag to clean the mess up.

———-

February 21, 2004

“Don’t forget me. Okay?”

The girls intertwined hands, staring at eachother one last time. Shuu had decided to bring Yui along after all. Everything was booked last night to ensure their departure,

“Where are you going..?”

“I don’t know, Shuu said somewhere far away.”

The girl squeezed Yui into a tight embrace, frowning with tears stinging at the whites of her eyes. Petting the blondes hair slowly,

“Please be safe Yui,” Her voice cracked with soft lips trembling, pulling away eventually. The driver slammed the trunk shut,

“I’m ready when you all are,” Said the driver, opening the limousine door. Shuu put his hand on Yui’s shoulder and looked down at her.

“I don’t want to be here a second longer,”

The girl walked next to Subaru. His eyes hard with unreadable emotion, watching as the blondes boarded, finally escaping. Triplets watched as well the sudden pause Shuu took before fully entering the limousine, his eyes softening observing the household he lived in all those years. Yui’s small hand waving an eternal goodbye to the inhabitants of the house, smiling with no worry. She was free. The door slammed behind them, simultaneously when the limousine began driving away. Subaru’s head following along the shrinking image.

“There goes our eldest, maybe we’ll lose another.”

Laito said, turning on his heels before walking inside. Other two triplets followed close after.

Her fingers turned blue from how long the two stood there, listening to the cold wind howl and prickle at their pale skin. Huddled together with their arms intertwined,

“May be time for us to go,” She pulled away from the albino, clasping her hands together before walking into the mansion as well.

Shuu’s words appeared in his mind, turning his head to see Reiji's figure in the window peering out into the darkness,

“Maybe,”.

[writing-fanics]

⁂ starry eyed ⁂

✦ Hunter X Collector!Reader ✦

[Chaoter Three: I’m Sorry]

previous chapter > next chapter

[a/n: if theres somethings wrong plz dont get upset with me im going througha lot this week and month and luckily was able to get this out despite my current condition]

 [Y/n] smiles, as she holds Hunter’s hand, and suddenly the platform on the Titan’s head starts to shake, surprising everyone. “Huh?” Everyone says. Ghost hisses, and then pink strings drop down from above and wrap around Gus, Willow, and Hunter’s arms. 

“Huh?” Hunter says confused, Willow and Gus gasp and scream as this is happening. [Y/n]’s eyes widened as she briefly reached upward to keep hold of Hunter’s hand, but got dragged upwards. “Hunter?!” She cried out, tears in her eyes. 

Camila wraps her arms around the palismen and gets pulled upwards as well. “Mama!” Luz shouts, as pink strings wrap around Amity and drag her upwards, causing her to cry out in surprise. Luz tries to reach out her hand to Amity. “Amity!” Luz cries out, and a bright flash suddenly appears behind Luz. She turns around to look at it and is forced to shut her eyes.

[Y/n] clenched her fist, she was sick and tired of her little sibling doing stuff like this. Being childish all the time, hurting people, and now hurting her friends. She finally reunited with Hunter, who she thought was dead. Finally, telling him how much he means to her.

[Time Skip]

[Y/n] smiled, seeing the reunion between Luz, Eda, and King. “Oh! I thought I'd never see you again! How did you get back to the Demon Realm?

“It's a very long story, I wouldn't know where to begin. There was Belos in the Human Realm—” Luz said, and [Y/n] kept a smile on her face watching the reunion. 

“There was what?” King and Eda shout, 

“Then, we saw Kikimora, she uh, was a lot to deal with—” Luz said. 

“I can imagine.” King said, unsurprised. 

“And then my mom decided to - WOAH, how did that happen?” Luz points to Eda’s missing arm, covered in a bandage.

“Ah, it's a shorter story. Oh! Is that your palisman?” Eda says, as Stringbean sits on Luz’s shoulder, Owlbert appears and the palismen greet each other. 

“Hey, hey, all I wanna do is hear both of you talk over hot chocos milk, but first, we gotta find a way outta, whatever this is!” King says, 

“I don't get it, King. I really don't get it. I thought you loved playing our games. Why do you choose these itty bitty spiders over me?” The Collector says, as he floats down. 

“Because your games stink, squirt!” Eda says. 

“And spiders are awesome!” Luz says, activating her staff and aims it at the Collector. “Yeah! Especially the itty bitty ones!” King says. 

“Ah, you act like I'm doing something bad. But I'm just having fun.” The Collector says. 

“Trapping people and scaring them and controlling them? That's not fun, Collector.” King says, looking at him. 

“And everyone nearly died from the Draining Spell!” Eda says, looking at him. “So? Toys break all the time, you just fix them.” The Collector says,The Collector creates a doll of himself and splits it into two. The pieces fall to the ground and fixes

themselves,“Do you... not understand what death means to mortals?” Luz asks, looking up at the Collector worriedly. 

“Well, don't worry 'cause I don't wanna scare you anymore. I think we can all be great friends. So, let me show you some of my favorite games!” He says, looking down at them. The Collector levitates into the sky and starts to summon something. 

Eda, Luz, and King playing the Collector’s game. First is based on Pac-Man, where the Collector’s enlarged head chases the trio through a maze. The game ends when Stringbean stings the Collector’s tongue after trying to eat Luz. 

Annoyed, he snaps his fingers and the game changes to Marbles, with the trio trapped inside them. When Eda and Luz are knocked out, King charges and makes the Collector fall by tripping on the marble.  

Next game is Jenga. Eda sends the blocks flying towards the Collector when the tower starts falling. They angrily gets up, but his face saddens. The group is then transported back to their original location. “Thank... whoever. I think I barfed, like, twelve times.” King groaned, and Eda looked towards him. “Wanna make it a lucky number thirteen?” She askes, and smiles as she licks him up and throws him in the air and he lands back in her arms.

“Eda!” King shouted, and The Collector was alone in a corner. Luz hears him crying and makes him go to him. “Luz.” Eda says, “Eda, let her go. If anyone can talk some sense into them, it's Luz.” King says, and Luz smiles at the two and walks to the Collector, and just as she did so, [Y/n] landed down beside him.

“Collector, you know this can't last forever.” Luz said, as the Collector wipes away his tears, “Why, 'cause you know you'd lose?” He shouts, looking at them. Eda and king come behind Luz, and the Collectors face saddens again. “I just wanted a friend who wouldn't lie to me, or trick me. But everyone's the same! King lied, Belos lied, even they lied.” The Collector says, 

“Who's they?” Luz asks, [Y/n] looks at them sadly.

“The Archivists, my siblings. "Oh, let's play a game", they said.” He angrily clenches his fists, "Let's play hide-and-seek." He shouted. Luz, Eda, King, [Y/n], hear thunder rumbling in the sky. 

 “"You go down there and see if the Titans wanna play!"” He says, still recalling. 

Everyone looked up to see an image of The Collector’s story in the stars. The Archivists guide The Collector and Y/n down to the Titans. “So I played, and it was great.” The Collector says, as the stars move to show the Collector playing the the young Titans. “The baby Titans were the cutest, just like King!” They said, while he says this, the stars move to show the young Titans surrounding a joyful Collector.

“And they were all so welcoming! But the Archivists were scared of their power, so one by one, they disappeared, until there was one Titan left.” While he says this, the stars move to show the hands of the archivist seizing the young titans and taking them away. The Collectors’s now alone a large pair of eyes stare at them. 

“And he thought we were the bad guy.” He says, and the stars move showing the last Titan holding, The collector now imprisoned and placing them away. 

“He hid his egg from me and trapped us.” He said, 

“But I showed all of them. Even when those trapper jerks started acting weird. Even when Belos lied to me! I found King! I found the last Titan, and he's my friend now!” He shouted, looking at King.

“Collector—“ King says, sadly.

“I know it's just pretend. I don't care. I'll pretend as long as I want.” The Collector shouts, as he says this he angrily rubs forward to Luz, sending a breeze in her direction. 

“ But that's not what you want, is it?” Luz says

“What do you know?” The collector says, looking at them. 

“We know what it's like to feel alone.” Eda says, looking doing.

“And abandoned—“ King says. 

“And misunderstood. Hey, what if we showed you how we became friends?” Luz says, looking at him. 

“King already told me about your adventures.” The Collector says, 

“It's different when you can see them.” Luz says, Luz pulls out a stack of the memory pictures that showcase her, Eda and King’s adventures. “What do you think? Can we tell you our stories?” She asks, looking down at the Collector. 

A shooting star flies past the Owl House and finally landing in front of it. The Collector then makes the star vanished. He is followed by Luz, on Stringbean, Harpy Eda with King, and [Y/n]. “Wow, I thought we would just, like, flip through these.” Luz said

“So it all started at the birdhouse.” The Collector says, and Eda looks at the Owl House in shock, “The Owl House. Speaking of which, what happened to it?” Eda asked, ands he flies up and views the current state of the Owl House. 

“You, uh, haven't been here in a while.” King says, and Luz looks at a picture of her at the Owl House. In the picture, she is sticking her tongue out and smiling. Eda is standing by the door, arms cross and smiling. King is sitting on top of a smiling Hootu, waving at the camera.

“For me, it started in the Human Realm. Things were not great, but I found my way here, and I met Owlbert, Hooty, and Eda the Owl Lady.” Luz says, while she said the latter sentence. Eda flies back down to the ground and places her hand on Luz’s back. 

King jumps into Luz’s arms, “And the King of Demons!” King says, “None of us felt like we fit in. So we decided to not fit in together.” Luz says, “It was that easy, huh?” The Collector scoffs, and folds their arms across their chest. 

“Not really—” Luz says. 

Luz sets King down and shows The Collector a picture of Luz and those who deceived her,  “I had a lot to learn. But after a little while, I met more people who helped me.” Luz says, While saying this, she flips through more pictures, which include Luz trying out to be a Hexside student, Willow and Gus supporting Luz, and Luz playing Grugby with Willow and Amity against Boscha and her team. 

“Whoa! That game looks fun. I wanna go there!” The Collector says, seeing the picture of the Grugby field. 

They all fly to Hexside’s Grugby field, Luz, who is now holding Stringbean in her dormat form, and Eda who is carrying King, stand at the top, while the Collector and [Y/n] hovers above their star. 

“This is where we play a game called Grudgby.” Luz says “The ball can bite you, the rules are nonsense, but it's still kinda fun.” King says, as they look down at the Grudgby team. 

“Nonsense? Ha! Hexside lets you play any magic sport these days. Grudgby was all we had and we made the best of it.” Eda says, and Luz places her hand on her right shoulder.

“And you were the star player, we know, Eda.” Luz says, 

“Did you know Lilith was their captain?” King said, and Luz looked at him curiously. 

“Really? Now that's a spinoff I'd watch.” Luz says, and the Collector’s mouth closes, and their facial expression becomes serious. And they look ahead to see, Jerbo, Matt Tholomule, and Moon girl, all hiding from them. The Collector uses their star to glide over to the trio. 

“Hi, I'm The Collector. Wanna be my Grudgby buddies?” The Collector says, grinning. 

“It's him! Run! Go, go, go, go, go!” Matt screams, and runs with the rest. As they run, everyone else make their way to the Collector.

“I wanna go somewhere different.” The Collector says, as his grin turns intoa frown.

Luz holds out her deck of photos, and The Collector takes a photo of the Knee. “I'm really glad you picked this place, Collector. It's really special to me. It's where Eda helped me make a connection with the Isles.” Luz explained, to the Collector. 

Luz draws and Ice glyph. She activates it, and it takes form into a small block of ice that raises from the glyph.“A baby could do that. Still, I've never seen an itty-bitty spider do it that way. Not everyone can recognize Titan magic.” The Collector said.

“He must really like you if he showed you this much. He never told me about it, though.” They said, as they put their left pointer finger above the snow and creates a snow sculpture of a Titan. 

“Did you force him to be your friend, too? Like, uh, what are their names— Lilith and Amity?” The Collector asked, and [Y/n] shook her head, “She didn't force anyone to do anything.” King said, and [Y/n] walked over and placed her hand on her younger sibling, shoulder. 

“Yeah, people are complex.” [Y/n] says, looking down at then, “And sometimes they just need a little kindness and forgiveness.” Luz says, looking at the Collector. The Collector looks down at the ice Luz made and then looks back at Luz, Eda, King, and [Y/n].“Kindness and forgiveness, huh?” The Collector says, looking in the distance.

[Y/n], Luz, and Eda smile at The Collector. Suddenly, there is heavy breathing in the distance that draws all their attention. [Y/n] stomach drops, and her and The Collector begin walking toward the edge of the Knee, “Do you hear that?” The Collector asks, and Luz looks in the direction they were. 

“Hear what?” Luz asks, the breathing continues louder. Trees shake, birds flee, water begins to recede, and rubble falls from landforms. [Y/n]’s eyes widened, “Breathing.” She shudders, and Bel’s glowing eyes shine and continues to glow. 

“Those eyes—don't tell me it's—” The Collector says in shock, “Belos.” Luz says. 

In the alleway of Bonesborough, a rat runs through a large crack. Tinella Nosa appears to be throne out of that crack. Seeing the dangerous branches spreading throughout the alley, she screams and runs away as they follow her. On a railway in one of the Knee’s tunnels, three Coven Scouts are sitting around a fire. They are interrupted by the branches of mold that sends them fleeing. 

As Luz, Eda, [Y/n], King, Stringbean, and The Collector fly above, they see the branches violently spreading throughout the Boiling ISles. “t's coming from the castle.” Luz says, and flies downward. Belos has now taken on a massive, monstrous form. His eyes continue to glow blue, and he now has wings. 

Belos growls, “Finally! I can cleanse this perdition... MYSELF!” He growls, three times, he unleashed blue fire upon the land. Luz, Eda, King, Stringbean, [Y/n], and The Collector arrive at the scene.

“Is that Belos?” Eda says, in shock, “How'd he get here without a body?” King says on shock, and The Collector steps on Raine’s earring. He picks it up, visibly worried. 

“What do we do? There's no way we can stop that!” King says, and The Collector looks up, “Yes, there is.” They say, and begins glowing, “And I know how.” They say, the Collector flies through the air, cutting away at the moss. He stops short of Belos’ face. 

“No, what is he doing?” Luz says, and [Y/n]’s eyes widened in horror, “I get it now. You just need kindness and forgiveness, huh?” The Collector says, and hugs Belos’ skull. As Luz, Eda, King, and [Y/n] have exasperated expressions on their faces, Belos blinks in confusion. 

“Luz, Y/n, look! We can all be buddies now!” They say, and Belos prepares to fire at The Collector, Eda, King, Luz, and [Y/n] watch in horror. “Collector!”  [Y/n] shout, Luz watches as [Y/n] flies towards him. 

“No!” King shouted, watching as she flew off. As Belos fires, the beam heavily collides with a purple flash of light. [Y/n] has flown in to save The Collector. “Huh? But I thought I was doing the right thing.” The Collector says, confused, looking up at the two. 

[Y/n] looks down at her little sibling and places her hand on their cheek, “No, no, you did good, Collector.” She said, smiling softly at him. 

“But this is a little more complicated. Don't worry, I think it—missed—me.” She says this, and realizes that the branches have already hit her fingers and they slowly take over her body.  Her body slowly becomes tiny stars. 

[Y/n] groans, as the moss slowly reaches her shoulder and hits her back.The single wolf ear on [Y/n]’s ear fell off her head, and floated to the ground. Her body slowly becomes a particle of stars. “Y/n? What's happening?” The Collector asks, worriedly looking up at them in shock. 

[Y/n] smiles weakly as she stares at her little sibling, “Hey, looks like I’m not going to be able to watch over you anymore.” She whispered, placing her hand on their cheek once more, they looked at her in shock. 

She slowly lifted up her head, and looked towards Luz, Eda, and King. Luz stood there in shock, “Luz? I’m so happy to have had you as a friend as well everyone else. Hunter, tell him I’m sorry.” She said, smiling weakly, and Luz gasped tears welling up in her eyes. 

“Big sis?” They whispered, he watched as her body slowly became star particles, “I should’ve played with you more, I’m sorry I wasn’t a better sister.” She said, almost fading away completely. 

“I love you,” She said, planting a kiss on The Collector’s forehead before her entire body was covered by the moss. [Y/n] splits into several stars. The Collector holds on to her hand and he catches one of the stars, holding it tightly. Luz’s eye’a widened in horror. 

“Where'd she go?” The Collector asked. Eda and King are too stunned to speak.  and Tiny stars flowed through the damaged areas. They travel by Hexside, where students are terrified of the moss. They finally reach the Archive House, where Gus, Willow, Hunter, and Amity observe, confused. “What is this?” Amity says, a tiny star landed on Hunter’s lap, and something in him he just knew somehow.

taglist

@tinkerbellsgf @supernerdycookietrashblr

[fictionfixations]

penacony spoilers (this will mean nothing to you if you dont know it but like uh. memory zone meme? that one battle.)

what in the fuck thats freaky

ive never seen this fight im not gonna lie (ive seen the story and sunday and aventurine's but nothing else)

so wait does killing that bring him back??

WELCOME BACK YOU MADLAD 😭 how does. temporary.. death?? feel?

i keep forgetting to save skill points for the healer so my characters can ACTUALLY heal my bad

AGAIN?

what is your obsession with this man memory zone meme. like. if it was robin id understand cause thats kinda story-relevant but like...

genuinely so freaky (ive always been targetting the person itself so i dont think ive seen the follow up attack and im kind of scared to)

okay now PLEASE stop being oneshotted

no matter how much i try to build my characters it always feels like they're still that shitty team thats barely built. like. yknow the team for casual hsr players that dont spend that much time grinding cause they're more story-focused or something??

fhuisdhf iwish i had aventurine cause i feel like ive been getting into a really good groove with planning on how i should play with aventurine as like the support character (support as in im taking an aventurine from my friends lol) but also. the one thing that infuriates me is that you just. shields cant heal you. so theres just that chunk missing from the hp bar that cant be fixed until the battle ends and i go to like a space anchor (or use consumables but i forget they even exist)

but theres just something nice about not taking damage at all because the shields are taking it for you. ...but anyway shields or no id probably still get fucked over

(sometimes probably gonna comment and be like 'aCTUALLy you're getting oneshotted because you keep doing [action] when there's a symbol over it so then it triggers [so and so] and im just like. i know. but i play by ignoring the stuff that triggers the enemy to attack so like--)

okay now what am i supposed to do LMFAO (i cant tell if the eye means even if you like use your skill instead it'll trigger because ive been using basic attack when they get oneshotted. so idk maybe it doesnt matter what you do it just chooses the last person's turn basically)

(well i could trigger an ult but. so well hi im future me but if i had any ults they were probably being saved. like natasha's healing everyone ult.)

i want to scream

ended first. uh. round? is that what you call it? then it took out TWO of my team members. was prepared to yell obscenities at it but then cutscene happened so i hoped that that was it

but oh my god YOU TOOK MY HEALER??

actually. kind of off topic. i wonder what happens to aventurine's shields if he dies?? like cause the turns are counted by when it reaches that characters turn again (which no duh that means a whole turn has passed. i just remember it better describing it this way) ..but if no turn does it just. disappear?

OH

anyway 'two characters who act of their own intiative' ... you. bitch.

okay. im. gonna sacrifice robin and ratio. since i can do that i guess. (if i had to rank characters on team of 'absolutely need to keep alive or im actually fucked' then these two would be at the bottom...)

wonder if her ult just disappears if she dies

yeah ult is gone

black swan made it so much easier but oh my god i hated that (and i know im going to hate the future bosses so yayy)

no but its actually really cool to basically have allies turn on you like that. its. really really cool.

i just am not a fan of actually playing against it. im gonna be honest i hate bosses with other enemies around them cause they always end up screwing me over 😭

[bambaooo]

30.

I know for a fact no one is on here anymore, but doing this has been on the back of my mind for about a week or so.

But I just turned 30. My last almost 15 years of life have been recorded to some extent on here. From my 20s to now my 30s life has been fucking nuts. From going to feeling invincible, to feeling that like everyday is a new challenge of what im going to go through. I remember in like elementary school and middle school, i was like embarrassed of being on the younger end for my class. I would always lie and say that i was born in 93 instead of 94. Such a weird thing. and before i turned 21, i wasnt pressed on going downtown to the bars and clubs cause i know when my time came it would be fine. But gdamn, my 20s are gone. I cant help to reflect on the life ive lived. From college, to my first real job, first time living on my own money, relationships, covid, grad school, and to the last major things of buying a house and getting engaged. like what tf am I doing, in the back of my head im still that one kid that eats a shit ton, works out alot, and smokes hookah. But in reality im not that person anymore lol. i used to be very resistant on change but, i know its inevitable but it does still bums me out a bit. I think it bummed me out before because up until recently, ive been very deprived from my friends. I felt bad reaching out, and I felt like i was being a burden hitting them up. But like now, id rather reach out and see them rather than feel like im missing out. But ive seen more friends in the past few months than I feel like i have in the past few months combined. I know social connection is a big part of being healthy, but i didnt realize it was like that for me. But it makes sense, for almost almos the whole time i was in richmond, i was constantly around friends. but as a real adult that shit is kinda hard, gotta cross reference everyones schedules and shit. but like honestly its better than nothing, and i dont think i could do that shit for a extended amount of time lol. and life is just so fucking different know, fucking mortage and house stuff. and still trying to exercise regularly and be an adult.

i almost never want to plan anything for my birthday cause i dont like that feeling of being a burden or w/e. But it just happned to be that arvin moved back home and we got lunch the day before with matt. and that night we hung out at a hookah bar. Ive been so scared with the random health shit ive been dealing with but hookah actually calmed me down a lot for some reason. and Im trying really hard not to get back into the habit of smoking on a regular basis. after smoking for 10 years man, that shit would fuck me up. not the smoking, but feeling reliant on something. Shit addiction is fucking real. Im blessed to be able to pull myself away from shit like that, but i know in the back of my head i know that shit would feel so nice lol. Even when i was vaping, that shit didnt hit as good as a hookah lol.

but yeah life is different. getting settled in the house, gonna plan for a wedding of some sort in the near future, trying to get the house figured out. life is just fucking wild to me right now.

the 20s i definately learned a shit ton. I feel fucking old talking like that, but like its fucking true. the kids in their 20s now have like no idea how to live like we did. i hope i can get to a point where i can be good mentally and physically to live life a little bit of what i used to. I always hear that the 30s is like your 20s with more money, which makes me hella excited. but yeah, im 30 now, idk the next time ill be on here. ill probably come on here once in a while until it dies off forever. I lowkey want to go back into my shit and read some stuff, but i honestly cant bring myself to dig through that shit lol.

until the next.

[softbinu]

it’s been so long since i’ve been on here and honestly i didn’t ever think i was gonna come back. i don’t know if the people i met or the friends i made on here are still here but if u guys are still here then i just wanna give everyone a big hug.

nothing feels the same anymore. it feels as if my whole world has been snatched away from me and there’s such a big gap in me that’s sadly never gonna be filled. i feel so empty and numb and regardless of having gone thru something similar before it still hurts so much.. it’s so painful. i end up crying whenever i see him but at the same time i end up going to search for him on my own bc i’m still not ready to let go of him yet and i’m scared that if i don’t end up seeking him then he’ll just be a memory somewhere along the line and i don’t want him to be that, just a memory. i’m so scared of losing him and him just disappearing slowly and the world moving forward as the days goes on as if nothing happened. as if he didn’t even exist in the first place.. i know the pain is gonna lessen as the years goes on but i don’t think i’ll ever be ready to say bye to him fully.. like i’m still feeling so numb i don’t think i even wanna fully accept that he’s just not here anymore.

my heart truly goes out to anyone who knew him and to everyone who loved him. he truly was such a wonderful person. someone who gave many warmth and im gonna miss that smile of his so badly. the smile that cheered so many of us. gonna miss his goofy sides too :’) i just miss him so much..

and like i said before idk how many of u guys are still here, especially the 2017 tumblr aroha moots, but if u are here pls don’t hesitate to reach out to me 🤍 i guess grieving together is gonna be a little bit bearable than grieving alone so yeah feel free to come talk to me tho i’m not sure if i’ll be able to respond immediately cause everything sucks and hurts so bad haha but i’m trying my best and i hope u guys will also try ur best and try to take care of urselves 🫂 sending hugs and love to all of u

[fullsunstrawberry]

hey girlllll

okay first- the chap was SO GOODDDDD and i’m so excited for your nct reactions and texts!

also your tattoo with your mom is so cute 🥰🥰 and the designs for your seventeen ones are adorable so i’m sure your nct dream ones will be super cute as well <333

i want to get a tattoo but let’s be so fr i’m so scared of needles 💀 kao (bf) has a bunch of tattoos and they’re so cute but i personally would never - your so brave for thiss

also mother in law apologized thankfully so so more problems there :)

my life has been pretty boring tbhhh i’m living with kao rn but he’s pretty busy with his med school things rn so i barely see him 😢

i really need friends 😭

BUT ITS NOT LIKE I DONT HAVE FRIENDS my two ride or dies (yes we are a trio but we’ve known eachother since 2nd grade and there has been 1 argument that lasted 30 mins 💀) are literally so far away 🥲 missing them 24/7 but we have our weekly group facetime soon so 😋🤞

ugh life has been so boring recently fr i need a hobby asap

i feel like i’ve lost all my interests because i’m high school i would lterally do math for fun and that’s the last thing i need to do rn 😭 like sure i did. volleyball but where in nyc am i going to okay volleyball like be so fr rnnn

WNYWAY HOW ARE YOUUUU????? TELL ME EVERYTHING 😜😜😜😜😜

i have an obsession with these emojis i find them so funny

also my niece/cousin idk but she’s so like… IDKKK- she’s middle school high school age but i feel like i’m just on a whole different planet bc she’s so into everything like i need to keep up frrr

ANYWAY

make sure to drink lots of water and eat lots of good foodss- i love youuu 😜���💓💓💓❤️❤️❤️‼️‼️‼️

also congrats on your blog growth! you deserve it fr

I got a bunch of nct random texts that I'm gonna post soon 🤪 but I gotta make some enhypen ones too cause my master list is lookin a little biased 😅

ahh thank you! i gotta hurry and get more kpop tattoos because my mom has more than me (she has two bts tattoos and wants a txt one)

i was terrified of needles but i had to get a bunch of blood work done when i was younger, so i’m a pro now 😤😤

if my partner had and tattoos i would color them in with markers if they had black and white ones

life’s been pretty boring for me too that’s actually why i made this account cause i used to have a tumblr way back and post on it but it became too hectic with my schedule…so i deleted it. but now i’m not really doing anything i love how hectic i post!! it gives me something to do and look forward to

i’m also in a friend group of 3 💀 but mine is kinda rocky because the other two always fight and im in the middle sometimes… but i love both of them and one of them might read this 🤪🤪

i still have lunch with them every other day in school but one of them is going to a different school and im gonna make sure we don’t drift apart 😤😤

most of my hobbies involve technology lol…

i like to make random webpages and of course video games, mostly sims or acnh.

But i love scrapbooking and i know a lot of people do it online now but nothing beats cutting up pictures and gluing it to a cute notebook or having a pen pal and decorating my letters

also photocard trading is fun and helps keep me busy

i’m glad the mil apologized because no one wants bad blood in a new marriage!!

i love using emoji’s because i don’t wanna sound boring when i’m writing and i can only use “T^T” so much

SAME! my cousin is younger than me and she makes me feel so old even tho i’m young! but she talks about tiktokers and celebrities i have no clue who they are nd half of the words she says, i’m like what?

tysm!! i’m surprised on how well my blog is doing, I love how many people have reach out to talk to me! It means a lot 😩❣️

don’t skip a meal!! 🥰🫶

[elekid]

Whenever I see posts like this wherein the focal point of the argument is people sharing personal experiences within like-minded individualist groups, i.e. lgbt+ people, freeks, geeks, all the unwanted- right? We Are Vulnerable Alone But Strong Together. Sometimes This produces a result, which, to put it bluntly- When We Weirdos congregate, sometimes we entirely miss the point. It's true! I have been sucked into or created this vortex many times. Like, I only read this cause it hooked me by being about medical malpractice/negligence- something i am waaaay too familiar with. See? It's not like, bad, but its strong. be careful.

Aaaaannnnd my black mom raised me, which meant any doctor/psych visits, she was there with me. Like, yeah? All this stuff happen to sooo many family and friends that it begins to blend together in my mind. I'm starting to wonder what the angle actually *is*- not to us, but to the medical professionals with the power of control over everyones health. Like...I am very mourning your pain and suffering but I mean with good will that you're missing the point. This is a misdirection of the core issues which create roadblocks to healthcare, and I bet my bottom dollar that many healthcare professionals at this point in the US know it too. They notice it works, to rattle you and push where you are soft. Baiting you at the angle they see as the chink in your armor. I have sooo often fallen for the bait, lost my composure in one way or another, and been preyed upon by the waiting vultures. The passive aggression is reaching new heights everyday.

I'm going to break some things about the healthcare system in america down for you.

Every healthcare worker is scrambling chatting going to conventions and conferences dinners clubs- the list goes on- all in order to share information about public healthcare. These are typically private events.

Talking to older disabled people can and will save your life. Talking to any other patients is a vital part of surviving. Why? See bullet point one. The enemy is already there.

You're absolutely not wrong about the privilege's of being clocked as a man in the healthcare system- if you are also clocked as white, able bodied enough that you can be useful, etc... I found out pretty quickly that being seen as a dude did not matter most often, and a lot of times has made things MUCH worse...

Lets say I have this friend who has been abused by the medical system since birth (forced reassignment surgery we all know.) Let's say that friend is a trans guy who passed even before going on T. He only sees women doctors, nurses, psych's, etc. It is not as though he has anything against the Misters-He simply has strict guidelines and boundaries about who he will and won't see. Last time I saw him, he said he wasn't feeling so bullied or scared.

PLEASE please pleaaase please don't forget covid please burn it into your heart that it was the opening of the floodgates of hell for disabled people. We don't work, we're not allowed to save more than like $1.5K, we often do not own nor drive our own vehicle..

TBQH in the eyes of the US Department of Health and Human Services, every disabled person is a sack of moldy potatoes taking up too much space and STINKING up the kitchen. Also, we cost the government a LOT of money. Covid was like mana from heaven! yaay yaaay look how many sick and useless people died wheee whoopee^___^!! <- every SSI employee

I think that sharing our stories and shit is really cool, and by no means stop! Let's play the quiet game now and learn...could read or watch a video or listen only...perhaps helpful places to start would be social graces, ANY history of the practice of medicine in the US, Libgen some reports right from the source, talk to the next patient you see while at the doctor!

Maybe less talky about me and more think and question about how we can still win? IDK abt yall but Im bored of going around in circles talking abt the same traumas we all went thru

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.

[listcners]

Serious rambling time cause ive already been feeling lonely and stressed out and burnt out and bad for the last like week.

Debating on dropping Tumblr rp again cause.. idk. Don't have the time or mental space for it rn. Desperately want to write or rp but I feel like my writings bad and that Tumblr rp just.... makes my mental health bad?

Like, I don't like Tumblr rp format. As much as I try. I like starters and just going off and seeing what evolves from them. But I don't like the short form? Like, I maybe get 20 notes into a rp usually less and it dies off. Like, that's no one's fault- we have lives, jobs, health, both mental and physical to deal with. I forget regularly about threads cause of add. But like, when I get really excited or involved in a thread and it just dies it really triggers RSD for me and makes me feel like I'm shit at writing or people don't like my style or don't like me and like I know it's not healthy cause I know that's probably not true but I can't help it? And it still hurts.

It's just, tumblr is so fast paced and there's always so many threads that I can't keep up or if I can I still get fixated on an idea and lose the motivation for other threads because I want to continue a specific one?

I like long form stuff, I like talking about potential plot and like talking ooc as I'm writing and that just doesn't really happen here on tumblr? And that's probably my fault. I'm not super outgoing. I'm nervous to reach out to people even if I desperately want to! I want to be closer with a lot of you! I wanna rp more with a lot of you! But I'm fucking terrified of putting myself out there and I'm frustrated at myself for that.

But I'm scared of making friends and losing them cause I've realized I'm losing friends just cause life is pulling me away from them and I honestly don't have a lot of friends anymore

It's gonna sound fucking dumb but I miss writing of Google docs. An old friend and I in an old fandom use to have Google docs that were 100s of pages long and we'd sit and write and it was so fun and exciting seeing their cursor pop up and ooc messages pop up in real time or you'd see a message waiting for you and idk.

I'm trying to get back into writing fic/dribbles because I'm desperately wanting to write to the point I've been upset that I'm not writing and I want to but I can't get myself to reply to the starters in my inbox which I think are the only things I have to respond to.

If I drop tumblr I won't be deleting the page, I'd just, not really be on it. Idk I probably won't but it's not like im on here much anymore unless I wanna look at art.

I honestly don't think I'll drop it cause I threaten it a lot to myself but I hate getting rid of things cause I'm getting rid of memories. And I don't like that.

Just needed to fucking word vomit because I've been crying like non stop most of today and I'm tired and keeping it all in was making it worse. Going to bed now cause my shoulder is still fucked and I have to work tomorrow long hours with no ac on a crowded and hot weekend.

[medicaltechnician]

sleeping in a hoodie has been absolutely ruined by my crush. i dont need to be thinkin bout that night over and over again when i just want to sleep.

fuck i miss him. I wish we lived in the same goddamn city. or at least like, a closer distance than separate countries.

i wish i could be honest bout my feelings for this man. but i’m scared, honestly. i dont even know if these feelings are real. they do say after 4 months if you still feel the same way then its actual love. i guess i’ll find out in the new year. it feels cheap though if i’m thinking of the same night and not ever time we “hang out”.

but it makes sense. i’ve always been a physical proximity person. hence why online friendships have been so hard for me. i wish it was easier for me to go to the states to see him. i wish it wouldn’t be so awkward for me to do so.

I wish i could just tell him i like him. don’t wanna scare him away though. dont want him to think I just talk to him cause of this crush, when that aint true. if anything im like too nervous to reach out cause of this crush. also my object permanence and time tracking is bad. did i mention i’m terrible at online friends?

[midnightmisadventures]

Ive had so many fun dreams lately but for some reason i’m coming to write about the scary ones

Um been having nightmares. Last night and today. And they feel really heavy, but important. And frankly i do hate them. Please no more nightmares. But maybe if i write about them i’ll prove to spirit that im listening and then they’ll stop 

First Dream: 

Last night i had a dream where the fam of 5 was traveling, driving road trip vibes probably to florida. We were all together packing the car and idk how but all of a sudden erikka was missing. And we knew immediately there was foul play. We were in a sketchy area ad there were cars going in and out and we were afraid she was kidknapped for trafficking. It was so anxiety inducing, and i tried to keep praying and have a positive attitude that she was strong, she would find a way out, she would show make it home. I kept hoping she would show up any minute. But as hours past i kept getting more worried that i’d never see her again, that something terrible happened. And i was crying and and already grieving. In this dreamverse apparently something similar had happened to dalvin a while back. And erikka used some sort of manifestation power to bring him home safely. So i felt like absolutely garbage that i couldnt do the same for her, i was beating myself up. I kept saying “im supposed to be good at this, i feel useless” 

Next Dream: 

This one was so so very odd. Basically we were at chip and it was the anniversary of this well known historical environmental event. And it happened near the west end fairgrounds or something. So there was a lot of hype and press in our area during this.... 100th anniversary or something like that. I don’t really remember, but there were 10 guys all brothers and they won a contest? or something? from someone in....ohio or some random state. Back in the early 1900s. Anyway, an almost catastrophic event was witnessed by a bunch of people. A huge asteroid hurdled towards earth and grazed the side of it (near west end fairgrounds) and chipped a piece of land. It was marvelous that only a few inches kept it from hitting earth directly and splitting the earth in half. Or doing dinosaur level damage or something else crazy. It couldve killed a ton of people or been an end to humanity. So whatever....a hundred years later or so, they were able to do a super techy demonstration and show what almost happened and what didnt happen through like a hologram projector and the whole town watched and it was really snowy outside and i wasnt wearing pants. It was just trippy to think about how something like that could happen at any moment and kill us. For some reason i made the comment “it always scared me that the fact that an asteroid hasnt hit earth with humans on it is completely by chance and hasnt happened yet which means odds are it WILL happen soon. But i always forget about THIS historic moment, which makes me feel safer in that something technically DID happen” 

Final Dream: 

Okay so again, at chip present day. And i wake up with a bunch of messages from people from high school saying to call....our class prez. Which was so odd, ive never had a personal relationship with him. But everyone was blowing up all socials and talking about something crazy that happened. His twin sister reached out to me and said to call him. Like PV social media was going bonkers!! So i was busy all day, it was always ET’s birthday maybe for a date reference? And the more i ignored it, the more people hit my line. Even claire, messaged me by the end of the day saying “call class prez he’s really not doing well” and i was like WOAH. Cause that means people wanted me to call him so bad that they had reached out to my friends who didnt even go to pv to get my attention. I told erikka “idk why they want me, is it because im good at saying calming words” and she said idk it seemed more specific like he wants to “apologize.” SO then im like what?? By time i call him its 1:03am. But he answered and apparently. A couple of kids from our grad class passed away and class prez was really emotional about it. I remember one being Austin H. And he was so sad and unstable that he made a comment online saying something along the lines of “this is worse than gilaine maxwell creating slave camps for black people” ???? Bro i have no idea. 

So class prez gets ALOT of flack for this comment. I mean its career ruining, he’s getting death threats. So maybe he wanted individual calls from black peers to hear their genuine opinion? So we’re on the phone and he’s profusely apologizing, saying what he said was unacceptable. He said “im sure youve heard my ghislane maxwell comment” i said no...havent got the chance. So he plays me a historic video about supposedly the “actual history” of these slave camps he was referencing. The video had this eerie 1900s black racist cartoon vibe that makes my blood curl. It was about these talented black people being condemmed and found guilty for things they didnt do. The evidence was so blatantly there and still everyone convicted them and sent them to be tortured and die at these camps. It was EXTREMELY unsetteling to watch and to be watching with class prez. Also in the dream, it felt inescabable and scary and for a little it felt like i was there. Like it was playing in my chip bedroom but i went top bunk and i could feel the sticks they were beating the black people with. It felt soooooo evil and sinister, and seriously idk what ancestors are communicating with me via dreams or what they want because this was DARK. So then class prez is asking for my take, and why it matters, and why its bad. And im saying he obvious stuff. The videos message was basically like “it didnt matter if black people were educated, doctors, laywers, scientists, hey were gonna slaughter and torture us anyway” so i didnt know if the vibe was like “be greatful that black people are allowed to have careers?? or get vengeance on white people....it was just so intense. 

So when the video was over and i got off the call, i was so uncomfortable and unsettled. Felt like i had waken up from a nightmare or finished a scary movie. So i desperately tried to turn all the lights back on but ofc it was a dream so everything was dim. Still didnt catch it though. I tried finding my parents for comfort. 

Awful right? No more nightmares 

[journalofanangel]

what causes me to self destruct?

the fear of losing, the fear of missing out, the fear of disappointing someone (regardless of our relationship or how close we are), the fear of being hurt or abandoned... i also overthink and blame myself and can't separate myself from my thoughts and emotions.

I feel pressured, ashamed, and anxious. I get a rush of adrenaline that is mostly, if not entirely, shame and anxiety. I get nervous and, even if I feel like I'm thinking clearly, I'm still irrational and I can't put two and two together. this might have to do with my disorders unfortunately.

If you label yourself as a bad person, you’ll start to believe that something’s inherently wrong with you and that you’ll never improve. Instead, by thinking of yourself as a good, worthy person who makes mistakes, you give yourself permission to grow. (quote)

i struggle with understanding why my friends think im a good person, why they love me, or why they don't think I'm a horrible person. i feel a lot of shame around who I am, where I come from, and the lies I've told. i feel like I have so many reasons to feel horrible and I feel like others should think I'm horrible too.

i know there's something positive to take from this but I'll add that on later.

you could tell yourself that you are allowed to choose a healthy alternative to your self-destructive behavior. For instance, you could turn to alcohol when you’re in pain, but you’re also allowed to call your friend for support.

the important thing for my to remember is that I'm allowed to rely on people. i can't consistently rely on most of the people around me because I don't feel understood or safe around them. i feel like if i don't have someone to ground me, i spiral. i can ground myself at times but then i still get scared. i get scared so easily unfortunately.

my friends have told me it's okay to reach out and rely on them. it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to talk to them, it's okay. i never really feel safe around my family though. i feel so disgusting around them. they say they're happy to be part of these things but it feels so gross every time. i don't want to be around them.

i wanna feel safe... i wish this one friend could feel safe around me but with this kind of behaviour and this mindset, I get why she can't. i understand why.

i wanna find some healthier coping mechanisms that work in the moment, things that can help me slow down when I can't rely on others.. I'd like to not be so dependent.

If avoiding self-destruction is intensely difficult, try waiting 30 minutes to engage in the behavior instead of acting on the impulse right away.

I've tried this, I think I just need to dedicate myself to it. especially when I feel myself having doubts that end up being true...

Overcoming self-destructive behavior is not an overnight process. Practicing self-compassion and forgiveness is essential as you work toward healthier coping skills. When you’ve relied on self-destructive actions to numb your pain for so long, you likely feel some degree of mental, emotional, or physical addiction to the behaviors.

I always expect to heal overnight, I expect to fuck up once then never do it again.. I never expect kindness or forgiveness, i scare myself into acting how I think I "should" and then inevitably end up shaming myself into acting a certain way.

this is really hard. i feel horrible but I'm trying to improve, I just hate hurting people over and over like this. im tired of disappointing people. I've been tired of this. it's so hard being consistent. it's hard but I'm trying. I've stopped caring if people notice or if they care, this isn't about them at this point. it's for me and, inevitably, the people I love. i can't keep shaming myself and running away.

I should bring this up to my therapist. this can be something she helps me with. i want to stop focusing on the past and putting so much energy into feeling bad or being angry about what's already happened. I want to heal, I want to do better.

i want to love people without deeply wounding them. i know the hurt and the mistakes are inevitable, we're only human after all and love is a complicated thing, but I want to love them anyway.

I want to love and I want to be good. I want to feel whole and safe.

saturday march 4th 2023 2030