#journalofanangel

[journalofanangel]

i feel like crying bc I feel too fat to eat a fucking bagel

[journalofanangel]

this is what it feels like for mw

but I get hit rapidly, over and over and over again, one low after another, all different kinds, all needing different treatments, until one day after months, it all comes crashing down and i feel my ego shatter

everything i am falls apart, I feel heavy and my insides feel sore and i am overwhelmed and numb and it is horrible. i can feel everything fall apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it and there is nothing I can do but embrace the fall and gently let myself get back up when i am ready.

the worst part of bd and bpd is the cycle.

you feel like you are doing so good. getting a job. taking your meds. going outside. talking and socializing more. feeling as close as you can call happiness.

then it hits you. you wake up sore. your body feels heavy. you just want to lay down. stop showing up to work. not having the energy to leave your house let alone your bed. avoiding interactions with people. and remembering that this is what the rest of your life is going to be.

[journalofanangel]

i wish I could hug someone and really feel like im thwre

i wish i could feel like im being seen and heard and understood and like my existence isn't too much to bear

[journalofanangel]

i don't think i really have any friends

[journalofanangel]

letting go is

so hard but I guess i can do this

[journalofanangel]

i suggested we stop being as close and be agreed so why am I in so much pain I can't so this i hate rhis

[journalofanangel]

i miss my baby so much

[journalofanangel]

i had to put my dog down this last monday

i can't be in my room for long without crying but i can't leave my house for more than two hours without my legs growing weak and my hands shaking

i miss her so much, it feels like my chest is rotting, I miss her so much

all i can do is cry and grieve because I've lost my baby and I have all this love for her with nowhere to go

i hug her blanket at night just to try and sleep but i wake up with tears in my eyes regardless

she isn't suffering anymore but gods i miss my babygirl i miss my baby so much

feb 8th 2024 02:27am

[journalofanangel]

it only took six months for me to finally come to the conclusion that i don't want to see them anymore btw

im proud

no reaching out no trying to apologize! nada!

im still tired and disinterested in everything tho

[journalofanangel]

i haven't been able to take my meds properly and it's making me feel sick. i don't enjoy anyone's presence, everyone's boring and irritating, nothing outside of my own mind is interesting. it sucks.

i care about these things but it sucks.

i want a new job but it won't change anything because i don't like working anyway. I've been doing this for almost a year which is good but it doesn't make it any easier. people aren't easy to deal with when you have to smile and agree with everything they say. do you have any idea how stupid people can be? i love people on the worst of days but by Gods.

I've been avoiding therapy bc im scared ill yell at her. i don't want to yell, I don't yell, but the fear is there. it's scary.

[journalofanangel]

i would like to give my heart a hug and remind myself every time I look at my reflection that i am loved

[journalofanangel]

my therapist wants me to make a decision and I know what the healthy option ... I suppose the only reason I'm hesitating is because I'd rather drift than put a definitive end, I don't wanna cry anymore

[journalofanangel]

life is full of decisions to make and, as beautiful as it is, it's incredibly overwhelming all the time

i don't even know what to have for breakfast tomorrow morning but I know that I have to wash my face now so that's a start

[journalofanangel]

sometimes I feel lost and hopeless and then I remember I have this account where I can see how far I've come and that I have a space to talk

[journalofanangel]

redoing my home screen.... gonna be jellyfish 🪼

[journalofanangel]

hi guys :] m back <3