#i miss having drive and energy. i miss not hating every second of the day im not laying in bed wasting away.
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cloudd-nyne · 9 months ago
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nicky35 · 1 month ago
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UConn vs Ole Miss
imma just do a player breakdown cause i think that's the best way to break this one down. sorry but this is gonna be rambly.
paige: i mean i gotta address the obvious, pretty sure she tied her career high for turnovers, when i saw that stat i was hoping i would watch and see that maybe there were other things that led to them, but honestly all of them were her fault and just dumb errors, she did good with the physicality of old miss, but that wasn't surprising, she's still over-helping on defense too much. i also hate seeing her go from floor general to standing around any time she's on the floor with kkm but i think that might be a coaching thing.
azzi: oh how i loved this. firstly, big dawg az is basically averaging 1 block a game since her return, i know this is the boring part but i'm such a nerd for good defense and seeing how much she looks like her old defensive self from like hs has me geeking. i love seeing how smart she plays. in the past, she's gotten in her head when shots aren't falling and either just stopped shooting or kept settling for the three. seeing someone so notorious for that to be the one lifting them out of the 0-15 run just made me tear up. loved seeing her drive and cut, while also still taking a few 3's. i would love to see her take a few more middy's in the next game cause those are always beautiful.
sarah: strong first half, but they definitely targeted her in the second and she got clamped. however because of what she's shown, i am excited to see how she responds to that. also, the 3 ball... i like that she's not afraid to shoot, but i think after 4 misses, especially as a post-player, it's time to cut your losses. defensively she still looked solid, even when they were being aggressive.
jana: i mean with her size, just having her on the court helps this team, especially against aggressive teams like ole miss. you could really see her trying to stay disciplined on defense and not foul and it showed. one of the fouls she got called on was actually bs, but i'm glad she didn't get heated over it. i love her fiery energy on the court and i think it's a good compliment to a lot of the quieter people on the court. she only got 3 fga but she was 100%, which was her biggest problem last time. however, i need her shooting freethrows every day. especially as a center, it is so easy to get fouled and those need to be easy points.
ice: this was her best defensive game i've seen so far. she took to aggression from ole miss really well and was reacting a lot faster. what i've noticed so far from ice is that she is either doing well on offense or defense, but she hasn't had a game where she's contributing on both ends of the floor. i also think she could maybe work on her handle and be able to not be so stationary on offense. jana's taller and is still able to move with the ball more. i think she's lucky she never got double-teamed and stripped, because she won't move with the ball. also there is no world in which she needs to be attempting more than one 3 a game. overall glad to see her improving each game, even if it is incremental.
kaitlyn: gosh this one hurts me. it's harder watching her not score more, when we've seen all that she's got in her bag and she's typically on the floor with another pg. defensively i think she was great and i think both of her fouls were smart and not the typical dumb stuff. i would still take her over kk, just because of her level-headedness and leadership, but with azzi back in the mix and multiple players who can switch between guard and forward, she's not really making an argument for why she should be on the court over others.
ashlynn: liked to middy instead of the regular 3, but zero 3pta's for her is just dumb. at this point i would rather see lower efficiency and just take more shot attempts, but mixing it up between 3's, middy, and getting to the rim. on the postive, i did notice she went under less screens in this game. even though she's improved tremendously on defense, that was an old habit that came back last game and i was happy to see the adjustement.
kk: i'm sorry but i'm just not seeing it. she just has to have more to offer the team offensively than passing and layups, especially being so small. stronger defensive teams are gonna continue to block her shot. i thought we were finally seeing her experimenting with a little floater, but haven't seen that in a bit and the middy and 3 pt shot are still nonexistent. very reminiscent of nika, but at least nika had more of a leadership and aggressive quality to her that helped with the team's energy. i just really cannot see her running this team next year. also putting her on the court now just takes paige off the ball which is the last thing this team needs. i simply cannot see why she is over 10 minutes when morgan is a better defender and allie can shoot.
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obxsummer · 2 years ago
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Lean on Me // JJ Maybank
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pairing: jj maybank x neutral!reader
summary: as much as you love being the go-to person for your friends, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. all it takes is a shitty week and an argument with your boyfriend for your strong exterior to break.
warnings: angst, arguments, brief wound description
a/n: i lowkey hate this bc it didn’t turn out how i intended but whatever. enjoy!
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--
The Outer Banks was lucky to have you. That’s what JJ would say within a heartbeat. He knew there were a lot of deserving people amongst his friends, but man, you were way too good for the Pogue life. He owed you so much in the year and a half that the two of you had been dating. You were his rock against all odds, between his shitty dad and the raising anxiety in his chest after almost losing John B, you kept him grounded.
JJ loved watching you interact with your friends at the current kegger on the beach. You were so gentle and weaved your way along them them like it was second nature. The smile on your face was addicting, you seemed so carefree under the glow of the bonfire. The summer air, warm on your bare skin.
“Hey there, handsome.” You plopped on the log next to JJ, elbow nudging him gently as you made yourself comfortable. “You okay?”
JJ could really only force a nod and pushed a smile onto his face. He leaned close to press a kiss on your temple and let his arm fall around you shoulders. “Just love you, a lot.”
You were a little shocked at his outward affection but smiled nonetheless. “Love you too. A lot.”
--
You fell into a caregiver role naturally. Growing up, you had to learn how to take care of yourself first and foremost and when you did enough of that, you went for those around you. The broken bits of your upbringing reinforced your selflessness but increased a lot of anxiety and stress at a young age. You tried to never let it get to you, and if it ever did, you handled it in private.
Your friends adored you in every way possible. You were always there when they needed you - a reassuring rock to lean on at any moment. You were the best listener and always gave such great advice and the best hugs. Your overall presence could comfort a room without any words. They were internally grateful for everything you did.
It was very rare the Pogues saw you lose your cool, but in all honesty, this week was creeping up on you. Tensions were on the rise with the investigation of the Cross of Santo Domingo, and as much as you loved your friends, you were growing exhausted. You missed the way life was before the gold, when you would all just mess around without any worry while doing stupid teenager things. Your anxiety was growing and it felt like you would break at any sudden noise. You knew you needed some space, maybe a good cry if it came to it, but there was a lot going on right now.
“Y/N, hey!” John B came barrelling through the door with a burst of energy. You winced at the loud noise but forced a smile regardless.  “Are you able to make a quick grocery run really quick? You can take the Twinkie. We just need some basics.”
You had just settled down on the couch and wanted nothing more than to lay there in silence. “Yeah, yeah sure!” Pushing yourself off the couch, you grabbed your own keys from the table, opting to just drive yourself in hopes that it would lessen your stress. “Just text me a list!”
The day didn’t seem to ease up as the grocery store was packed, not to mention one of the bags ripped and spilled chips and yogurt across the parking lot. You managed to keep it cool until you were back in the safety of your car, letting a few tears slip before taking a deep breath and moving on.
After loading everything into John B’s kitchen, you set to work prepping dinner knowing everyone could use a home cooked meal and some quality time together. Shoving a pack of beers and a few wine coolers into the fridge for later, you decided spaghetti and meatballs sounded entertaining enough. Putting a pot of water on for the noodles, you managed to find some garlic bread in the freezer to heat up too.
The chaotic noise of your friends soon filled the room, lots of laughing and conversation filling the suffocating silence. “There you are!” JJ’s voice overtook the others as he came sliding towards you. You smiled at the motion, letting him wrap his arms around you as you stirred the noodles ahead of you.
“Hi,” You murmured, leaning back against him in comfort for a second to press a kiss on his lips before he disappeared right after. The beer was soon discovered, Sarah grabbing a seltzer and kissing your cheek in thanks before joining the rest of the crew on the patio. 
Normally, you didn’t mind them having fun while you busied yourself with something for them. It just felt like the pressure in your chest was building and you didn’t know how to slow it down.
Opting for a cup of water in hopes that it would help, you started grabbing dishes from the cabinets. One of the glass cups slipped past your fingers, a sharp gasp escaping your lips as it shattered against the worn hardwood floor. You stepped back in shock and managed to land right on a shard of broken glass, slicing through the skin of your foot in a second.
“Shit!” Being a bit more cautious, you avoided as much glass as possible and grabbed a wet paper towel to handle your foot. Admitting defeat, you sat on the ground and tried to slow the bleeding.
“Hey, babe? Food ready?” JJ slammed the screen shut behind him as he entered the room. Eyes scanned the room for a moment before he realized you weren’t in the kitchen. “Babe?”
You winced at the harsh cut in your skin and put pressure on it. “Down here.” JJ’s face came into view seconds later, taking in the scene of you on the floor.
“Hi, hey.” He carefully avoided the glass, although his boots could withstand some damage, and made his way over to you. “Let me grab something.” He returned shortly after with a hodgepodge of supplies from John B’s cabinet in hopes that some of it would work.
You took some peroxide and gauze from him before cleaning the scrape. “Thanks, J.”
JJ busied himself with cleaning up the broken glass while you did your best to stop the bleeding. He watched you for a moment, concerned about your lack of reaction. “Are you okay?”
You nodded, refusing to look at him because you knew you were holding on by a thread. It wasn’t really anyone’s fault and you felt bad for making them think that - if they even did. Grabbing some gauze, you laid it across the scrape before wrapping your foot and taping it off as a temporary fix. “Dinner’s almost ready if you want to get everyone.”
Everything seemed to move smoothly. Dinner was great, all of you laughing and joking around with some delicious food. The summer air was warm and the sound of crickets chirping was calming. You had hopes that this was just a momentary flicker of weakness and you’d be fine before bed tonight.
Sarah joined you in the kitchen to tackle cleaning dishes. “So, Y/N… are you joining Kie and I for our vacation weekend whenever life blows over?”
A question you’d heard many times before. Kie and Sarah had been joking for a while now about a getaway weekend since all the three of you did was spend time with your significant others. Of course, it was always pushed back for the chaos of your lives and would probably never happen, but it was a comforting question nonetheless.
You laughed in response, nudging her gently as soap splashed from the sink. “You know I’d be there in a heartbeat, Miss Cameron.”
“What trip?”
You turned to glance at JJ, the smile not leaving your face as you stacked the plate in the strainer. “Nothing. We’re just joking.”
JJ obviously had lost his fun mood and stared at you with an incredulous face. “You’re going on a trip out of OBX? When?”
Tossing the towel on the counter, you moved to fully face JJ. “J, I’m serious, we’re just-” You didn’t get a chance to explain before someone interrupted you.
“You’re leaving?” John B’s voice came in next, looking at his girlfriend with a goofy smile. “Do I finally get a weekend to myself?”
You shook your head aggressively, not suspecting the sudden third degree. “No, we’re not leaving and no, you don’t get a weekend to yourself. JJ, what’s going on?”
You didn’t know what had been set off in him, but this was not the same JJ that pulled you into his side five minutes ago and held you like no other. JJ aggressively ran his hands through his hair. “I just don’t understand why you’re hiding things from me.”
“Excuse me?” Your shoulders tensed at the tone of his voice, knowing this wasn’t going to end well. “I’m not hiding anything!”
JJ tossed his hand out. “First, you won’t tell me what’s wrong and now you’re jumping on vacation when we have some serious shit going on here? What the hell, Y/N.”
“JJ, nothing’s wrong! And we aren’t going right now, John B and Sarah literally just got back and we have the cross to look for.” You put your hands on your hips. “Why are you starting an argument with me over a joke? That’s so unlike you.”
“Yeah, well maybe you don’t know me!” His voice rattled around you. Your friends were quick to seclude to the pullout and create their own conversation to give you space. “You’re so busy fucking taking care of everyone else that I barely see you anymore, and when I do, you barely talk to me!”
Shaking your head you didn’t break eye contact with him. You had no idea where this change of heart was coming from, but you were already on a thin sheet of ice today and knew you couldn’t argue with him all night. “JJ, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m here literally-”
“I’m talking about the fact that you’re not here for me. If you’re going to leave me, Y/N, just fucking do it. Rip the bandaid off. I don’t need you to linger and make it hurt worse.”
“You know what JJ… you’re right.” You folded your arms across your chest as tears burned in your eyes. You weren’t fighting over this, not with him. “You’re right. Don’t know why I even bothered. Sorry for trying.”
You left the words in the air and brushed past him, trying your best to walk on your injury. A heavy sob broke rattled through you as soon as you made it out of the Chateau. Your chest burned with pressure, unable to let enough emotions out at one time. You needed to stop doing this.
Climbing in the car, you slammed the door shut and immediately curled into yourself. You tried so hard to keep everyone happy. You did everything you could to keep your friends, your family together as much as possible. Always putting everyone first, never saying no if you could help it. Everything you did was for everyone else and it still wasn’t enough. You wouldn’t ever be enough.
Back in the Chateau, JJ knew he fucked up. When the screen door slammed shut behind you, he let out a loud groan and slammed his head against the counter. “Okay,” Kie was up in a second and pulled him away from the possibility of sharp objects. “Let’s not give yourself a concussion now.”
“I fucked up,” JJ whispered as he dropped to the floor and covered his face with his hands. “I fucked up so bad.”
Pope let out a scoff. “Really? I didn’t think so,” He answered sarcastically. “Seemed like such a loving conversation.”
JJ didn’t have the energy to glare at his friend. “I just… Dad got in my head earlier and I totally just reacted instead of talking it out.” He knew he shouldn’t have stopped at the house, but he knew even more to never listen to what his dad had to say about him.
“You don’t need to tell us,” Sarah tried to guide him as best as possible. “I’ve never seen Y/N that close to tears, in all honesty.”
JJ pulled himself off the ground and peeked out the window to see your headlights still shining across the grass. He surprisingly avoided eating shit on the rug and took off outside, scrambling to talk to you.
Your vision was blurry as you tried to blink tears from your eyes. You couldn’t even bring yourself to drive home, knowing it would be too difficult with everything going on right now. The whole argument was more dramatic than you intended for it to be, and maybe if you weren’t already upset, you would’ve just walked away instead of yelling back.
Your car door was suddenly ripped open as you flinched away in shock. JJ’s form appeared a second later, his heart dropping at the sight of you so upset. He took a moment, observing the rapid movement of your chest and your tear-stained cheeks. He could curse himself a million times over for doing this to you.
“Babe, you gotta breathe,” JJ’s voice was gentle as he moved your seat back so he could get closer. He knew the telltale signs of a panic attack a little too well.
You let your head relax against the headrest and forced yourself to take a deep breath. It was shaky, but it was enough to start calming your racing head down. When you were young, you were taught to never show weakness in front of anyone, no matter how bad it got. You hated that JJ was seeing you like this…vulnerable, weak.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Tears of his own were building in his eyes. He hated to see you in any pain, but knowing he was the cause of it was even worse. He rarely ever saw you cry. “I saw my dad earlier a-and I took it out on you what he said… Y/N, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Your voice cracked as you looked away from him in an attempt to break eye-contact.
JJ’s fingers were gentle as they turned your gaze back on him. “No, it’s not. What I said in there, it’s not true. You do so much. For me, for our friends. We don’t deserve you, not one bit. You never expect a thank you, never ask for anything. I am so grateful, I’m so so lucky, to have you in my life. Don’t ever think differently, please. Even if it comes out of my own mouth. We all know I can be pretty dumb every now and then.”
“Don’t say that,” You whispered. You hated when he talked down on himself like that.
“See, proving my point. I hurt your feelings and you’re still being nice to me even if I don’t deserve it,” He countered. JJ reached over to turn your car off and took your hand to guide you out. “Come on, let’s get some ice cream and I’ll make it up to you.”
Sniffling, you climbed out with his help and let him close the door behind you before wrapping you into a hug. Another shaky breath escaped your lips as you clung to him, letting him hold you tightly until you could catch your breath and calm down fully. You were so grateful for JJ and his bubbly energy. Sometimes, it was hard to keep up with their busy lifestyle but you wouldn’t change it for the world. As long as you had your chaotic boyfriend with you at the end of the day, everything would be fine.
--
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ivystoryweaver · 11 months ago
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The Only One
Episode 6
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prev | Fic Masterlist | My Masterlist | next
Summary: Elia's background starts to be revealed. Leia explains the energy flow. Poe is missing and panic ensues. We catch up to the events of The Force Awakens (but don't worry, I'm not retelling the films)
Pairing: Poe Dameron x female original character. Fic is written in second person, but the female "you" has a name (It reads basically the same as any other xreader)
Word Count: 1.8k
Content: angst-ish, self-worth probs, not beta'd
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PREVIOUSLY on "The Only One"...
"Ells!" He called after you, "You kissed me."
"Bye, Poe!" You repeated, scurrying toward base.
Laughter bubbled up and erupted from his chest as he said goodbye back to you.
He let you go. For now.
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Something was wrong.
Poe had yet to return from his top secret mission, and everything inside of you was screaming that something was dreadfully, terribly not okay.
So you mustered the courage to approach to Leia, actually desperate enough to chance her discovering the things you could sense.
"I know he's on a mission. Something's wrong."
Leia confirmed that they'd lost all contact with Commander Dameron and his X-wing had been destroyed.
Your heart thundered inside your chest.
"The First Order has him."
Five words sent you spiraling.
Despite Leia's orders to stand down, you flourished into well more than a nuisance for hours upon end - hovering around comms, all but demanding updates, making a beeline for the hangar to convince anyone might fly you anywhere (They all said no).
You talked Perrha's ear off several times over, obsessively hypothesizing about every single thing that could have awry and why and how it could have gotten this bad for Poe.
Perrha was your best friend besides Poe, but even they started to reach their limit. Grasping your shoulders, Perrha commanded you to just stop talking for two seconds.
"You have to sleep. You have to trust everyone to do their jobs. Poe is strong - he can make it through this," they pleaded with you. "You're going to drive yourself crazy, obsessing like this."
You realized exactly what Perrha meant in that moment. You were driving them crazy.
Which made you start to cry. You stormed off without another word, despite Perrha calling after you.
Which brought you back to Leia.
She invited you into her private office with the promise of something warm to drink. You complied, fully aware her invitation was not exactly a request.
Presenting you with a small cup of tea, she smiled warmly, but the gesture didn't reach her eyes - troubled dark orbs pooling with the anxiety you felt inside.
"How are you feeling, Elia? I'm worried about you."
The smell of the tea bothered you. The temperature was all wrong. You set the beverage on the nearest table and shoved it away.
"Have you heard anything from Poe? Or anyone?" You pleaded.
With a long sigh, Leia sat down across from you and leaned forward.
"I haven't yet. But I'm here to ask about you. How are you?"
Yanking on your backpack straps, you shook your head rapidly. "It doesn't matter." With that deflection, you closed yourself off from the energy flow, despite how strongly it pulsed here in the room with Leia.
Nodding slowly, Leia leaned back, observing you quietly.
Which you took as staring.
Which you hated.
Couldn't anyone understand?
"The Force is strong with you," Leia soothingly, yet boldly remarked. "I noticed it the first day you arrived here."
You physically shuddered as she practically called out your secret.
But... "The Force? What is that?" You forlornly questioned, your eyes fixed on your shoes - the intensity of her gaze feeling as if it possessed the power to unearth all your secrets.
You’d heard fables about the Force - myths when you were a little girl - an orphan drifting from planet to planet. One time you heard that the Force was wielded by the religious warriors known as Jedi, but those were just legends...right?
When you discovered your lineage - it explained your malformed back. Your kind were a type of demon. Humanoid in most respects, but with wings. Well, the start of wings anyway. Yours remained dormant - undeveloped because you had kept them hidden your entire life.
Your species also tended to live long lives, so you were relatively young and your wings wouldn’t have developed in years prior. For that to happen, you would have to stop hiding them, let them out of your backpack and allow them to start strengthening.
You would need to open yourself to the energy flow and exercise your budding wings for them to ever fully form. And you had no idea how long that would take.
Besides, you didn't want to be demonkind. You wanted to contain your wings and never let them grow. And you certainly never wanted to give into your species' dark past.
"You've never heard of the Force? Or the Jedi?" Leia gently questioned.
"A little," you confessed, shifting uncomfortably in your seat. "I thought they were fables."
This was the day you learned about the truth of the Force - the dark, the light and the Jedi. The short version, anyway. Leia even confessed to you that Poe was on a mission to recover a map that would lead to the last Jedi Master - her twin brother, Luke Skywalker.
The tale fascinated you, especially the part about the Force surrounding and binding all things.
But if your heritage was that of dark powers and magic, that made you....dangerous. The darkness must be what Leia called the Dark Side.
A part of you. It had to be. Why else would your ancestors have annihilated themselves with darkness and curses?
Your heart sank as you realized what this meant - that you were an enemy of the Resistance - of Leia, and of Poe.
At this realization, you completely shut down. You said nothing more, even as Leia tried to speak with you further, going so far as to explain that you could stretch out with your feelings - that perhaps you had done as much when you helped to partially heal Poe on your last mission together.
"We'll speak again soon," she relented, clearly noting your distress.
You had almost managed to scamper away when you heard your name.
"Elia? Don't lose hope," she softly encouraged.
Sniffling, you nodded. "I have hope...for Poe."
But none for yourself.
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Poe returned the next day.
News rippled through base like a current electrifying everyone who heard it. Poe Dameron was alive - he had survived and somehow escaped capture by the First Order.
Apparently a stormtrooper defected and helped him escape. They crash landed and Poe scrambled his way back to D’Qar. But the map to Luke Skywalker was housed inside the memory systems of BB-8, who got separated from Poe on Jakku.
As the day went on, the entire base was getting ready for a rescue mission to Takodana - where BB-8 and this defective stormtrooper apparently fled.
Your job and skillsets kept you as busy as anyone, but your longing to see Poe again was consuming your thoughts. Keeping your mind focused on computers was as natural as breathing, but the disturbance you had felt in...the Force was so powerful.
Yes, what you had been feeling all your life had to be the Force. The stories really were true.
You were driving yourself crazy, needing to see with your own eyes that Poe was okay, but fearing the darkness you were apparently born to - and how it would ruin your friendship in the long run.
Maybe Leia could teach you how to overcome it. Maybe there really was hope.
If you could only see Poe, just for a moment…
But it was no use. The mission to Takodana commenced and he was gone again.
From there, the intensity of the looming First Order threat escalated exponentially.
When Poe returned to base, you finally laid eyes on him. He bolted by in his flight suit, with another man following closely behind him. You barely got a glance. You didn’t even have time to call his name, but you did see the cuts on his face.
Then the biggest news of all: the First Order’s super weapon was a planet killer - a system killer, actually. And this system was their next target.
Everyone scrambled and even your racing, obsessive thoughts zeroed in on this looming threat.
As quickly as the latest intel could be analyzed, the system-saving, critical mission was launched: the plan to destroy Starkiller base.
As Poe rushed to head out on the most important mission of his life, he could only wish he had time to see your face - just one more time, in case he didn’t make it back.
In case this mission failed, and you didn’t survive. But everything was happening so fast and you were as busy and as important as he was in this moment. He didn’t know where to find you and he didn’t have time to look.
Then there you were.
And time stood still for a moment.
Your chest heaved with emotion. Your eyes shone with moisture, the corners pulled down by worry. Your fingers twisted hopelessly in the frayed ends of your backpack straps. One of your twin hair buns had worked its way loose.
Poe had the thought that he’d never seen your hair down. He had no idea how long your hair actually was. He might never know.
“Poe?” Your voice was a choked whisper - the two of you suspended for a brief eternity - unmoving.
“Elia,” he breathed, hesitating only a second longer before rushing toward you, somehow restraining himself from scooping you up into his arms. Instead, he grasped both your hands and pulled them to his chest - although the act was less intimate in actuality, with him in full flight gear.
Still, his forehead dropped to yours and before he could say anything more, your hands squeezed his own before you pushed your fingers up over his throat to trace his jawline.
Fingertips danced tenderly around cuts and scrapes, until the pad of your thumb caressed his bottom lip - carefully avoiding the angry split marring his beautiful mouth.
“You’re hurt,” you gasped, smoothing your fingers over his cheeks as your eyes locked onto his.
“Nah, I’m okay. Still in one piece,” he almost chuckled, but the sound was a touch hollow. Tired.
Your eyes shone with sympathy as you reached to touch his temple. “They hurt you. Here.”
He didn’t quite know how to respond to that, except with what Leia had been known to say, on occasion. ‘We have no time for our sorrows.’
“I’m so sorry,” you uttered, with heartfelt conviction, before he could deflect, and insist he was fine.
“Thanks,” he decided the simple, direct reply was best. Besides, there was no time. His eyes cut over to the hangar and you knew then that your time was up.
“Gotta go blow up a big ass weapon,” he boyishly reported, shrugging one shoulder and mustering a tired grin.
“Yeah,” you agreed, releasing him and stepping back. “Don’t miss, okay?”
That earned you a real smile. “I won’t.” He reached out to squeeze your arms, hoping like hell he would see you again, that another war wouldn’t take someone else he…loved.
Without warning, he pressed a fierce kiss to your mouth then bolted away, leaving you stunned, thrilled and terrified.
He turned around one more time, granting you another sweet smile. “Wait for me, Ells. I’ll be right back.”
Somehow his humor and good nature gave you hope. Poe always gave you hope.
“May the Force be with you,” you whispered to no one really. Or, to all of them.
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februaryflowers · 2 years ago
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letters from park seonghwa
with seonghwa abroad, he leaves a series of letters with just what you need to hear to feel better in his absence. but the last one he writes, the last letter is everything you want to hear
check out the playlist for letters from park seonghwa here ! 
warnings: some parts imply the reader overworks themself, mutual pining, reader is pretty sad without him, language, kissing, poorly proofread sorry ;-;
mostly hurt/comfort but i promise the ending is fluff, 6317 words, best friend!seonghwa x reader | uni au
a/n: this one is kinda more rushed than my last ateez fics but im impulsive and i love seonghwa heh so my apologies if it’s eh😭
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Sliding your arms around Seonghwa’s neck and down his chest, you peer around his head. “What’re you doing?”
At your voice, his shoulders jolt up before quickly relaxing once more. “I dunno,” he hums, shrugging. “Just tryna pass time. I’m bored,” he whines. 
Running a hand through his hair, you sigh. “I know. I’ll be done soon, I promise, sorry. God, I hate essays.”
He pouts as you untangle yourself from him and head back to your bed, brows instantly furrowing as your fingers start to clack against the laptop keys once more. With a sigh, he returns to his idling. He always worries about you, about how you manage your mountainous workload. Will everything be okay when he’s gone?
Even as he tries to focus his attention on the pages in front of him, he can’t seem to shake you from his thoughts. Folding the paper, he glances to you once more, frowning as he watches the tension in your slouched shoulders. He hasn’t had the heart to tell you about his departure, and time is ticking down until he has to go. Of course, you knew that he had to get an internship for his graduation requirements, but did it have to be so soon? 
So one paper craft turns to five, to ten, and soon enough, as the hours tick by, he probably has over a hundred. Before he knows it, he’s stuffing them into his bag, looking up to see your head lolling to the side, your body tilting so much he’s surprised you haven’t fallen over.
He chuckles softly, shuffling over to you and prying the laptop from your grasp.
“I-I’m almost…done…” your murmur, your eyes drooping more and more with every second that passes. 
“You can finish in the morning,” he coos. “You need rest.”
With your chest now rising and falling in slow breaths, Seonghwa pulls the blankets up to your chin, brushing the side of your face with his finger. “Sleep well,” he murmurs, smiling at the little quirk of your lips that appears at the sound of his voice. “Dream of me.”
You apparently have enough energy to lift your hand, only for it to fall back down in what he guesses is supposed to be a playful swat before sleep comes to you. With one last look at you as he turns off the lights, he sighs and pads to his room.
Tomorrow, tomorrow he will tell you.
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You try to keep the drive as lighthearted as possible. With your shared car playlist blasting in the background and the two of you bobbing your heads along to the beat, you can almost pretend that today isn’t going to crush you. 
But as the minutes tick down and the traffic builds with your approach towards the airport, the weight on your chest grows and grows, your out-of-tune singing growing quieter and quieter. Ever knowing, Seonghwa reaches for one of your hands, prying your fingers from the wheel and into his grasp.
“I’m gonna miss you,” you croak, your voice finally breaking. “I’m gonna miss you so much, Seonghwa.”
“I’m gonna miss you too, baby,” he murmurs, squeezing your hand. 
His words don’t help the heaviness in your heart. You don’t even remember when he started calling you baby. He’d said it was because he was just so fond of you and wanted to take care of you whenever he began using that term of endearment. He’d given you the brightest smile and pinched your warming cheeks that day, and every day since, he has given you the biggest swarm of butterflies.
Maybe you’re dreaming, but it feels different than it used to. And that definitely makes your heart clench, wishing that it was. In another universe, another lifetime, another plane, Seonghwa loves you like that. But it’s not here.
Here, Seonghwa is simply your best friend, your beloved roommate. Perhaps he’ll find a lover abroad. And, even if it crushes you, you’ll still smile. Because, even more than you want him, you really want him to be happy, even if it’s not with you. 
His humming takes over, shuffle play bringing a slow song to the speakers, a soft love song, because of course your best friend is a sappy romantic at heart. While it provides some ease to your racing nerves, you’re still all too aware of how he plays with your fingers, tapping the rhythm against each tip. It’s as if he just knows you, your mind, so well, that he can make your knees weak and your brain jelly without as much as a second thought, without even knowing that he’s doing it to you. 
With the instruments finally coming to a quiet close, he pauses, turning to meet your profile and lowering your intertwined hands to his knee. “Can I ask you something?” he exhales.
“Anything, always.”
“It’s kind of selfish of me…” he whispers. 
“That’s okay.”
Biting his lip, he looks to the floor. “Could you…smile for me?”
You pause, the car simultaneously coming to a stop at the red light.
But he senses your hesitation as a soft no, one you don’t have the heart to say out right. “It’s okay,” he says, untangling your fingers and instead placing his hand over yours on his thigh. “It’s selfish, I know. You have every right to be sad. I just—” He sighs. “I’m not gonna be seeing the real thing for the next two months; I wanna remember your smile.” 
You forgot, if anything, your best friend is also cheesy as hell. A chuckle arises from your tight throat, causing a smile to bloom over your features. And it’s in that moment that a familiar quickened rhythm overtakes his heart. 
He grins, reaching his fingers up to brush your cheek. “There it is.”
And ease returns once more, your dramatic crooning returning. You can pretend. You can do it for him. You will yourself to do this one thing for him after all he’s done for you.
But it just can’t be contained when you make it to the parking lot and help take out his suitcases. 
“It’s okay,” you sniffle, brushing away streams of water that run down your face with a small smile. 
Despite that curve on your face, the heavy burden on your heart builds and builds as the moments tick down to when you and Seonghwa will be apart. You don’t think you can remember a time in your whole college career where you went so long without him. Every summer break or holiday recess, he’d be there, visiting you, teasing you about how lonely you were without him. And now, it’s too real. 
Taking you into his embrace, he rubs your back, leaning his head against you gently. “Baby, no,” he murmurs, a quiet shush to your tears. “It’s okay to be sad. If I could stay—”
“No,” you chuckle, shaking your head. Salty droplets continue to pour down your face, stinging your skin, but you pull back from Seonghwa, brushing his hair away from his face. “You’re gonna save the world or something,” you smile sadly. “I’ll be okay.”
Seonghwa wants to say that you’re the world to him, his world, but the words die on his tongue when he meets your glazed gaze that reflects the airport lights back to him. You just mean so much to him. What if he loses—
With one last squeeze, you finally detach yourself from your best friend, patting your cheeks with your sleeves and brushing off your jacket. If you don’t let go now, you don’t think you’ll be able to stop crying before he leaves. You might not be able to ever let him go. 
Exhaling, you force a smile on your face, past the swollen eyes and runny nose. “Now go make me proud, Park,” you tease. 
As he steps away, his luggage wheels squeaking against the tile as he pulls the handle, your lip begins to quiver once more. God, you just wanted to reassure him. He always worries so much about you, and here you are, holding him back when he has no choice but to go. And—
His movement pauses, before he turns around, blinking back at you.
“Seonghwa?” you call, taking steps towards him. “Did you forget something?”
“Hold on.”
He sinks to his knees, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and pulling out a glass jar.
“Hwa!?” you giggle. “You know you can’t bring that on the plane; What if it broke! You’re so silly, y’know. Good thing you remembered—”
Standing, he zips the bag shut once more and hands it to you wordlessly. Despite the words tumbling around in your brain, the butterflies swarming your stomach, you tell yourself that his pallor is from his nervousness about flying, his important internship for graduation. Seonghwa would never like you like that, right?
“Is…that for me?” you squeak, your voice unusually feeble. 
He nods, holding it out to you again. “Open them whenever you’re feeling sad, okay?”
“O-okay…” Taking the container in your hands, you dare to meet his gaze. “Thank you for thinking of me.”
“How could I ever not think of you, y/n?” he asks, his eyes round and soft as he quirks his head. He then forces his lips into a small smile, wrapping his arms around you for the briefest second before he pulls away. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
It’ll feel like a lifetime, an eternity, instead of the actual two months it’ll be. But you can’t keep him here when he has to go, when he can change the world for the better. So instead, you take your free hand to squeeze his. 
“You’re gonna kick butt.”
Pushing him off then waving until he’s out of view, you wait until you return to your car to bury your face in your hands. Are the hundreds of other people here saying goodbye too? 
Even though there are probably many other teary partings and weary friends and lovers, it all feels irrelevant. Do they understand each other like you and Seonghwa do? Do they love each other like you and Seonghwa do? Do they need each other as much as you need Seonghwa? 
So, despite being in his arms less than five minutes ago, you take the jar from the passenger seat, unscrewing the silver lid to pull out the first of many objects that fill the rounded glass. Every last centimeter of the container has been crammed with paper, origami envelopes with a heart to open them. You don’t even know how he had this much time to finish all these, especially while he was preparing for his internship and departure. 
Running a finger under your eye and flicking away the droplets that don’t seem to stop, you let a small breath into your lungs, courage to pluck out the paper laying right on top finally coming. 
You can’t help the small, amused huff that comes through after you open it.
A letter. Of course. 
Dear y/n, Are you sitting in the parking lot crying right now? We just said goodbye right? I know I’m teasing you as I write from the past, when our departure doesn’t weigh as heavily on my mind, but that also means it hurts less right now. I guarantee that when I’m in the middle of check in I’ll start bawling. Sure, we’ll be time zones apart, an ocean away, but, really, call me whenever you need, whenever you want. Don’t even worry about it. I want to hear about your day, what you’re up to, how classes are, what San and Wooyoung are up to, anything, everything.  And I’ll be back before you know it. I promise. I miss you so much already. Love, Seonghwa
Your phone dings just as you read his name, tracing your fingers over his elegant signature. Fishing the screen out of the cup holder, you’re met with a photo from Seonghwa.
“‘I told you so,’” you read aloud.
Admittedly you chuckle at his silly antics, even if it does set off a pang in your chest to see him so teary eyed. He’s going to change the world and pretty much complete the last big push of his graduation requirements. He shouldn’t be feeling that sad. Is it your fault? 
But before your thoughts can settle and take root in your mind, another notification pops on the screen with another text from Seonghwa.
“‘Thank you for smiling for me. Text me when you get home safely. I’ll be here for a few hours,’” you repeat. 
It takes everything to turn on the ignition and put the car in drive, but with a slow exhale and Seonghwa’s words covering the worries running around your mind, you manage to pull out of your parking spot and onto the road. These next weeks will be impossibly long.
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Even though you already sort of knew it, you quickly remember that life without Seonghwa is so gray and dull. The sky even agrees with you, the days following his departure filled with overcast skies and rain. 
Every morning you wake up to a quiet apartment, no Seonghwa waiting at the island with breakfast for you, no Seonghwa to keep you company on the walk to class, and no Seonghwa to come home to, greeting you with the best hug you’ve ever had (Yes it gets better every day. You don’t know how but it does.) Of course your friends all begin taking on extra care for you in his absence, meeting you for lunch or bringing dinner by, studying with you more often, hanging out more frequently. And you appreciate it, you really do. You really do have fun and enjoy the time with them. But there’s nothing like having Seonghwa in the flesh by your side. 
And it hits one late night, the moon high above you, the only light in a starless sky. It hasn’t even been a week since you said goodbye. Slumping down on the oddly empty sofa, you sigh, your fingers itching for the phone a foot away. 
Your friends have already gone home from your weekly Friday night shenanigans, which means that you should be putting on a funny movie with Seonghwa to conclude the evening. His cuddles are probably the best way to finish up a tiring week, reinvigorating you with excitement and energy for the next days to come.
With the weight building on your chest, you let a soft breath leave your lips before you give in to the nagging in your heart. Sure, you talked with him this morning, but you’d really like to hear his voice now for a moment, at least. 
y/n [ 12:06 am ] : are you busy?
Of course he doesn’t respond. It’s right in the middle of the workday for him. He has other things to do. But you can’t pick yourself up off the couch. You don’t know exactly what you’re waiting for. Fingers tapping mindlessly against the fabric, it isn’t until a soft ding echoes around the room that you shift. 
seonghwa [ 12:08 am ] : in a meeting :( i’ll be done in 20 though
seonghwa [ 12:08 am ] : is smthn wrong?  
y/n [ 12:09 am ] : nothing…just miss you…
Yeah, you should really head to bed. He’ll be busy even when the meeting ends. Waiting here will only make you more miserable. 
Pushing yourself off the sofa, you shuffle to the bathroom, brushing your teeth until you hear the quiet buzzing once more. As you rinse your mouth out, you find your eyes in the mirror. 
Seonghwa wouldn’t want you to be this sad, would he? He always loved, loves still, your smile, always pinching your cheeks when you have a wide grin or a matching one of his own growing on his face when you’re particularly happy. 
seonghwa [ 12:11 am ] : sorry baby :( i miss you too i’ll call you tn
seonghwa [ 12:12 am ] : why don’t you open a letter for me?
y/n [ 12:12 am ] : okay
y/n [ 12:13 am ] : gonna head to bed after though so dw gl with your meeting
seonghwa [ 12:13 am ] : sleep well baby :)
Unscrewing the jar, you carry it into your room and leave the glass on the nightstand before pulling out a small blue envelope. From the crooked creases, you’re guessing it must’ve been one of his first projects, which causes a small smile to force its way to your face as you imagine him redoing the same folds over and over until they were clean enough for his standards with furrowed brows. As you scoot into bed, you rest your back against the pillows and unfold the paper.
Brushing the smooth surface with your fingers, you finally let out a small breath and find his words. 
Dear y/n, Are you tucked into bed? I hope you are. I hope you’re getting enough rest, taking plenty of breaks, and still enjoying life without me. Did Jongho take you out for lunch today? Did you hang out with Yunho and Mingi? You can tell me all about it later; I’m sure it’s late now and you’re tired. 
That’s right. You have a lunch date with Jongho tomorrow. And you did study with Yunho and Mingi at the boba place near campus, even if you quickly devolved into laughter and anything but studying. 
You do miss Seonghwa. You wish he was with you here instead of being on the other side of an ocean. You really do. But there’s so much fun to be had with all your friends.
With a reluctant smile, you continue reading.
When you finish this note, I want you to close your eyes. I might be far from you physically, but you are never far from my thoughts. I’ll be thinking of you every day. I already do.  When I see the sun rise, you’re watching the same sun set, just on the other side of the planet. Two sides of the same coin. I’m still with you, baby.  So close your eyes. Smile for me? I’m never far so don’t miss me too much :) I’ll be home soon.  Sleep well and dream of me ;) Seonghwa
There’s a teary smile on your face as you finish his words. Flicking a stray droplet from your cheek, you sigh. 
What are you ever going to do with that man?
With a playful shake of your head, you attempt to fold the paper back into the shape it was given to you in, but you can’t seem to find the right combination of creases to turn the flat page into a beautiful letter once more. You’ll have to ask Seonghwa how to do it when he comes home. But for now, you start the pile of finished notes on your desk, smoothing out the lines so the page will lie flat next to your stacks of books. 
Perhaps Seonghwa’s letter is exactly what you needed to hear, the heavy allure of sleep beginning to take its toll on your drooping eyes and a yawn escaping from your lips. Crawling back to bed, you close your eyes. It might be your imagination—you know it is—but it’s as if you can feel him sitting next to your drowsy figure, watching over you protectively. 
On nights like this one, he’d normally tuck you in tightly under the blanket before busying himself with his homework at your desk until you fell asleep. Tonight is far from that, but, even half asleep, you know he’s still taking care of you from a world away. This isn’t what you’re used to, but today is okay. Sleep comes quickly. 
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Today sucks. Today is the worst day you can remember in the last year. So you failed your exam. And your project team is driving you up the wall. It seems every inconvenience that can go wrong does go wrong, leaving you exasperated as you drop your keys at the front door after a long day. 
Shuffling into your room, your fingers fish out from the jar, unfolding the delicate page a little rougher than you should. With a huff, you collapse on the bed, holding the letter above you.
Dear y/n, How’s your final project going? You’re supposed to be doing one of those for your design class this semester, right? I know you must be stressed around now. I hope you’re remembering to take it easy. You’re doing so much work; you gotta take care of yourself, baby. Take a break. Go on a walk. Get boba with Hongjoong (lord knows he needs a break too). Even if you think you need to finish everything right now, you need to put yourself first. Your health matters. You matter. And you don’t want to burn out before the semester ends, do you? If you can’t do it for those things, could you do it for me?  Because, most of all, I hope you remember to be gentle with yourself. I know this degree is important to you, but above everything, you are the most important. You’re the most precious star, baby.  I’m proud of you already. Don’t worry too much, yeah? Love, Seonghwa
You think that’s what does you in, little streams beginning to flow down the mountains and valleys of your cheeks. It’s not even the frustration from your day. How does Seonghwa—past, present and future—just know exactly what you need to hear when you need to hear it? What ever did you do to be blessed by having a friend like him?
Placing the letter on the neat stack you’ve amassed, you return to your bed, not wanting to smudge his ink with your tears. Sunset prickles through the window shades, sneaking under your closed lids as you try to rest. While the still quiet is nice, in your heart you know Seonghwa is right. It’d be good to hang out with someone. 
So you open your eyes, retracing your steps through the apartment to find your phone on the kitchen counter. 
y/n [ 5:36 pm ] : do you wanna get boba maybe? 
hongjoong [ 5:37 pm ] : ofc???
 hongjoong [ 5:37 pm ] : ill come by we can walk together? 
Laughing with Hongjoong, you can feel every ounce of irritation that’d built up in you the whole day being replaced by the second. It’s almost a little annoying how well Seonghwa knows every corner of your mind. 
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y/n [ 4:26 pm ] : SEONGHWA SEONGHWA
y/n [ 4:26 pm ] : SEONGHWA I GOT THE JOB
Checking the time, you let out a small sigh. He’s probably asleep. You know he’ll see your messages when he wakes up in the morning, but it’s not quite the same as celebrating with him in real time, still off the high of the email in your inbox.
It’s become a habit now, finding that glass jar whenever you wish he was with you instead. Yet again, you crawl on the bed, wrangling a piece of paper out from the container. The one you pull up is a little fancier than the ones you’ve picked previously, a pristine white page with small bunny and confetti stickers. It makes you pause, squinting at the folded envelope.
There’s no way Seonghwa would know, right?
Dear y/n, Congratulations! Maybe you guessed from the celebratory stickers I put on, but I wrote this one for a special occasion. I hope you’ll tell me all about it when we have a chance to talk again, but I hope this will suffice in the time being. Regardless, I want you to know that I’m so proud of you.  Even if you opened this on a different kind of day, I’m proud of you. I’m so proud of who you are and all you’ve accomplished any day of the week. My best friend is so kind and sweet but also smart and a badass.  But I just know that you’ll read this one on a good kind of day. So congratulations! I know, whatever it may be, that you deserve it. You are so capable, baby.  You’ll still tell me about it when you’re rich and successful though right? ;) Love, Seonghwa
Oh, curse him. He genuinely baffles you. What kind of guy can predict the future like that? (He knew. He always has faith in you.) And what kind of coincidence must there be for you to open the exact note today? 
And it just reaffirms the little thought in your mind that there is nobody in the world quite like Seonghwa. You don’t think there’ll be anyone as wonderful and gentle and caring as him. But to top it all off, he just understands you through and through. 
While you just clicked all those years ago, he also listened. He never stopped. He simply tries his best with you, and will never let you go so easily. He still does. What’s between you is more than an initial spark. 
It still burns. You’re more than content to keep fanning the gentle flame that keeps you both cozy. And Seonghwa and his warmth are the best company to sit around that fire with. It will always burn bright. 
Of course when he reads your messages in the morning, he celebrates and cheers with you, almost as loud as you know he would be if he was actually here.
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You grow less dependent on Seonghwa’s little notes as time goes by. You’ll still take them out sometimes when you miss him particularly badly or for fun, but definitely less than the first weeks. Your texts and video chats are still as frequent as before, though. If you had to go two months without seeing his smile you aren’t sure what you’d both do. 
This weekend you find yourself at the farmer’s market with San and Wooyoung. As the former goes around trying to get free samples and the latter actually looks for groceries, you wander off to the lake. 
Families and pets are scattered along the shore, enjoying the spring breeze through the bright sky. Summer will come soon, an inkling of humidity sticking in the wind that blows past the shining sun.
The last time you came here was two years ago with Seonghwa. Another opportunity never really came up to return, but San and Wooyoung insisted you come today and you wanted to visit again anyway, agreeing to tag along. And next year, you’ll all graduate, making your way into the real world. It’s a little hard to believe. 
 But this is the kind of memory you’d like to savor, to revisit. 
Stepping out of the shade of the treeline, you let your eyes find a little family of ducklings. The babies tail behind their mother, and, almost as if they can sense your gaze, they turn and let out small quacks. With a chuckle, you give a small wave before they all head on their way once more, your heart growing in your chest at their flapping, splashing wings.
“Y/n!” San calls. 
“We got donuts. Do you want one?” Wooyoung asks. 
Turning to them you smile. “Sure. Just gimme a moment.”
This is the kind of thing Seonghwa would coo at, a simple, adorable moment. You’d probably be able to convince him to come here with you when he comes back with the promise of free samples alone. Everything else would just be another cherry on top.
Regardless, you want a picture, just for yourself, your own personal scrapbook in your mind. The animals, the weather, the scenery, it’s all a little too picturesque to not immortalize. 
But before you can even unlock the screen, your eyes find the date.
Your best friend is coming back in a week. 
You made it. 
While you certainly can survive without Seonghwa, there’s something about having him in the flesh that adds an extra sparkle and brightness to life. And he’ll be back before you know it. You survived months. You can make it another week. 
Snapping the photo, you hurry over to your friends and gladly take the glazed donut hole that Wooyoung hands you. Nothing has ever tasted so sweet. 
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The night before Seonghwa’s return, the glass jar catches your eye. A lone page sits on the bottom, all its brethren now stacked neatly on your desk under a paperweight. 
Drying your face, you smile. What the hell. You might as well open it. 
Crawling into bed, you take the letter. Everything is as it should be. Seonghwa is on his plane home, back to you. You finished the semester with the best grades of your whole college career. You just had a fun night out with your seven other crazy friends. 
Unfolding the creases, a path you’ve memorized and can now do without a second thought, you swallow upon seeing the paragraphs in front of you.
You already know this is going to be different. 
With a shaky breath, you begin.
Dear y/n,  I hope things have been going according to plan and this is the last letter you open before I come home. I’ll be back soon and, even if I haven’t left yet as I write this, I know the first thing I’ll want to do when I land is fall into your arms and hold you until you complain about needing to pee or something. I already know I will miss you terribly. And maybe, my hope in writing this, in our distance, is to protect my fragile heart.  I know I’m being cowardly in not telling you this in person, but if you find you don’t see me in the way I see you, that’s okay. I will love you as a friend all the same and you can burn this letter and pretend the last 10 minutes never happened. But I love you. I love you in every way I have been taught to love and then some. I have fallen so deeply for you that a simple, ordinary life with you would be more meaningful and happy than any alternative, a timeline in which every other dream I have could come true. My heart is yours, has been shaped and nurtured and protected by you; I don’t think I know what it would be like if I’d never met you. Every day I wake up and see you in our kitchen before going to class, and I can’t help but feel lucky to know you. Yet, despite that, I can’t promise that I will be everything you need in a person, in the world. But I promise that I will try to protect your beautiful heart, your bright-eyed wonder, until you are so sure of them that nothing will shake you. And even then, I will still be in your corner, a shoulder to lean on. Just say the word.  I can't wait to come home.  Yours always,  Seonghwa
By the end, you can’t stop the waterfall of salty droplets falling from your face. You clutch the letter to your racing heart, trying to take a slow breath to calm all the nerves in your body that have been lit. 
Seonghwa…your Seonghwa…he loves you…
You always knew he loved you. You know he does now. 
It’s just…he loves you in one more way. 
You don’t think twice as you bring the page with you to your desk, already pulling out your own page and finding a pen. After all the letters he’s written you, you think it’s only fair that you write one back to him. Even if you can’t stop the few tears that soak your paper of your single note, you hope it’ll be enough to match the time and attention he put into his hundred.
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Your little airport pickup sign has Seonghwa’s name in large, black sharpie on the front, but as you hold it up, the back of it is what causes a lump to form in your throat. The triangular paper flap that has since been taped down can change everything now. When Seonghwa opens it, nothing will be the same, and you won’t be able to go back. 
But you know it’ll all be for the better. 
Rocking on your heels, you scan the exit tunnel area once more. He’d texted you that he’d made it through customs a while ago, so it could be any minute now. But your impatience takes over, and you pull out your phone to check for new messages. 
With your foot tapping at the tile, you don’t even notice the footsteps towards you until their owner is wrapping his arms around you.
“Y/n,” he sighs, his breath falling to your skin. 
While you jolt at the surprise, you quickly relax into his familiar warmth, letting small pools form in the corners of your eyes. It doesn’t surprise you either when you feel similar drops landing on your shirt. 
“I missed you,” you cry. 
“I missed you too.”
He rocks you back and forth, the two of you eventually sinking to the ground to simply hold each other. Nothing can get in the way of you finally being together with him once more. 
“How was your internship?”
“Good, they gave me a glowing review to my advisor.” He snuggles his head further against you. “How’ve you been?”
“You say that like I haven’t spoken to you every day,” you chuckle, flicking away the wetness on your cheeks with your hands before they quickly return to their spot on his back. 
“I wanna hear about everything,” he says. “Even if you repeat it ten times over. I’m always gonna wanna hear what you have to say, y/n.”
Blinking, you find it in yourself to pull away, still in his arms, just at a further distance so you can meet his eyes. “There’s…there’s actually one thing I didn’t tell you.”
He swallows. Did you start seeing someone? You would’ve told him, right? Or maybe…you read his letter…and you thought telling him in person would soften the blow. “W-what is it?”
You hand him the envelope silently, staring at his smooth hands as he opens it and pulls out the piece of paper tucked neatly inside. It’s so simple, yet it holds your whole heart on it. 
He glances at you before his eyes find the words once more and he begins. 
Dear Seonghwa, It’s silly. You spent so much time writing me notes and letters, filling pages with heartfelt words that you just knew I needed to hear somehow always when I needed them most. You never ran out of the most perfect words. And yet, I can’t even figure out what to say in my first one. I don’t know if I can ever truly explain or understand how much I love you. You deserve to know, though, so I’ll try my best, but I can only hope that this is enough.  Your last letter to me was different in a few ways, no? If I’m reading things right, it was a confession, right? It was primarily for your feelings rather than mine.  And, most of all, it was everything I wanted to hear and then some.  The stars would be so proud to know they created you. I’m so honored that you feel I have shaped your wonderful heart in the way that I have, but I want you to know that you, your heart, yourself, you are stunning just as you are.   I don’t really know what I’m saying here but I hope you will always be happy. And I’d love it if I could be that person to make you happy. I love you. I think I always have. It just grew and grew, and I hope it doesn’t stop. Because, Park Seonghwa, you’re the one I love most.  Your partner in everything (and hopefully one more way), y/n
You’ve stopped staring for a long while, just listening to the hustle around the little bubble you’ve made on the floor. You don’t think you have the heart to see his face as he reads everything you poured into that letter. 
“Y/n,” he murmurs. 
You hum, still refusing to meet his eyes.
“Could you look at me?”
When you don’t budge, he lifts his fingers to your chin. Giving you a moment to look at him on your own, he turns your head from the ground.
“Have I told you…how much I love you?”
Finding his round orbs, you swallow. Of course his eyes always sparkle like that, but you don’t think you’ve ever seen them so bright. The soft blanket of his steady gaze is trained on you, a warm fondness and affection that causes your stomach to swoop. You’d never be able to describe how stunning his eyes are. Not even the most talented painter creating their finest masterpiece could match their beauty. And…it’s all for you…?
“Was it okay?” you squeak.
He smiles, brushing your cheek. “More than okay.” Tucking you into him, he rests his lips on your head. “It was perfect. You will always be more than enough.”
In the middle of your bubble, you give him a squeeze, resting your weight against him. He’s really here, with you, in your arms. And…
“Does that mean…you’re mine?”
He tests the waters, pressing a kiss to your temple. “And you’re mine, baby.”
“I like that.”
Grinning, he begins rubbing long strokes down your back. “I like that too, angel.”
But as you spot some of the other strangers you’d been waiting with begin to shuffle towards the exit with their friends and family, you try to stand, only to be met with the resistance of Seonghwa’s grip.
“Hey! I’m not letting you go just yet,” he laughs, the tears collecting in his eyes finally dropping from his lashes and onto his cheeks. “I’m not letting go until you complain you need to pee or something.”
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the-lark-ascending69 · 5 months ago
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nancy wheeler is So whumpable ur Right!!!!!! Would you mind writing some more comfort for nance? can be canon or au or whatever, I just miss her lots!!!!
About this post i think
RIGHT this girl can take so much pain it's unreal 😭😭😭 i don't have the energy to write like a full one-shot rn (though i'd love to try at some point!) but I can offer you some headcanons if you want! For my Nancy whump AU:
When it becomes clear that the Wheelers are nowhere to be found, Joyce becomes Nancy's temporary legal guardian. She helps her go back to school. She had to take some tests and present some extra essays but due to her unique situation and her insane effort, whe managed to go straight into senior year alongside classmates her age. It's hard. Everyone looks at her weird and they spread rumors about her being kidnapped and abused in horrible ways for years. They're not fully wrong. Luckily, Robin is there for her, and Steve always drives her to and from school. She feels very protected. It's somewhere between feeling impossible grateful and horribly humillated.
Nancy is a huge dog person and she adores the Byers's dog. She takes him everywhere and talks to him all the time, treating him like a baby. It's surprisingly therapeutic. He helps a lot with panic attacks. Steve has begun to bring him along in his car whenever he picks up Nancy and Robin from school.
Nancy's hair had grown a lot during her imprisonment. It was messy and unhealthy and dirty, so Steve helps her develop a complex hair care routine to get her beautiful hair back. Robin helps her cut it a bit below shoulder length with kitchen scissors - that drove Steve's blood pressure through the roof (no, Robin, you cannot do that!). After a few months her curls are soft and healthy again, and she feels more like herself than she has in years.
Robin had a lot of books in russian, but she hid then when Nancy arrived. She didn't know how she'd feel seeing them around. Eventually, Nancy found one, and to Robin's surprise she asked her to read it to her. In russian. Robin was very unsure about it, but Nancy insisted, so she gave it a try, and it turned out to help a little. It helped Nancy process things. Plus, it was really nice to lay her head on Robin's lap and listen to her read until she fell asleep.
Nancy and Robin quickly become best friends. While Nancy stayed at the Buckley's house, they spent every second of the day together listening to music, studying or watching movies. It was a small house with only two bedrooms so Robin gave Nancy her bed while she took her parents', but after enough times waking up to Nancy's screams in the middle of the night, she decided it was better to sleep on the floor next to her bed. Cuddling seemed to help Nancy a lot, and in this way Robin could get to her faster. She was very hesitant when Nancy suggested they just slept together every night, but she eventually accepts. Nancy feels so safe in her arms.
Robin misses her a lot when she moves in with the Byers. Maybe that's when she realizes she fell in love. She hates herself for it.
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desinyschildrenjkjm · 5 months ago
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I think Are You Sure? is reminding me how much I love them, and trying to enjoy it with social media is really driving home how much I hate over-analyzing things to death.
I do miss the days when I just watched bts content alone, with no connection to fandom on social media except for maybe some youtube comments. It sucks to have so much fun, love the content and want to get excited with other people but come up against a wall of ppl nitpicking each detail down to tone of voice or phrasing (in translation) that proves or disproves this or that or that...almost like they aren't watching it but are studying it for ideas for posts or are waiting with baited breath for something to be upset about and thus seeing it everywhere and blowing up every small thing. It just isn't enjoyable.
If I nitpick I want it to be for things to be happy about...and hey, lucky me to have it so so so easy to find the happy things when I'm into a group of people who give me so much joy every day. I really want to uncomplicatedly enjoy this show as much as I truthfully do, without running everything through a lens picking apart what I'm afraid haters will say or defending things or letting my feelings be clouded and influenced by everyone else.
I may post still, but if i don't really seem so conversational part of it is me just distancing a bit from other opinions and basking in the show until I won't be swayed...even still i don't really see a point of entertaining negativity. It just bores me to argue in circles, explain to people who don't care, or be angry all the time. I don't want to see everything with negative spin to get angry or upset about or be anxious to defend, especially vague things we don't have all of the context to or rumors or things random internet people who might be 12 are saying. It's just so much easier to let go of the things you can't control or don't know, ignore nonsense, and let myself enjoy what I enjoy and think what i think.
people who are upset can talk to each other about their upset but I won't pretend to be upset if I'm not and I won't entertain it either when I don't agree or don't care. it's really that simple in the end. being a jikook missionary isn't my thing either so idk i guess i just don't care too much about debates about phrasing or details or vibes or timelines...when it is no longer fun speculation and slips into anger it really just isn't worth it.
I don't see the point of overly identifying with particular details or theories to the point of emotional upset and anger or arguing all of the time just like I don't see the point in going in circles trying to explain what I think to people who won't ever understand or agree...other opinions aren't worth more to me than my own...people may make good points or sway me but ultimately I have all the power over my perception and I won't give it away or waste energy defending it.
some people are just stressed about everything and obsessed with being right or obsessed with being afraid to be wrong and look at every single thing like a piece of a puzzle and I don't want to get that deep into it. Whatever the truth is, it isn't something we are likely to know details of...that's fine, that's boundaries, that's their choice, also it's fine if I'm wrong, even if i'm wrong about everything my opinions don't sway reality...it matters very little if I'm right or wrong as long as I am not being hateful or too attached emotionally to my interpretations.
Fandom is meant to be fun, it's really that simple. The second fandom/social media/discourse starts making me loose the joy BTS bring me....I'm out. I'm protecting BTS for myself, BTS are way more important to me than fandom and I won't let strangers on the internet sour them for me.
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sunghoonnsupremacy · 1 year ago
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ANTISOCIAL. - l.hs.
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previous - now - next
- summary ; when the popular jock starts finding interest in the new girl, hell breaks lose. she eventually gives in and he shows her exactly why he's popular.
- warnings ; eventual smut, rough sex, bondage, degrading, mentions of drugs/alcohol, asshole heeseung.
READ UNDER THE CUT!
tuesday.
jia hates tuesdays. its an additional day to monday, plus she has a small but painful hangover from last nights events. she hardly remembers the hotheaded blondie going down on her, but theres glimpses of it in her memory.
putting on her school uniform, lara finishes her tea and walks down to where her car is waiting for her, only to see something else...
"sunghoon?" she asks herself and/or the person leaning against their car. "it's me." he winks at her, motioning for her to move forward. "what are you doing here?" jia hesitantly walks towards him in confusion.
"I didn't want you coming to school alone on your first day. " "second, sunghoon. second. " he dismisses his misinformation and opens his passengers seat door. "hop in. "
"are you sure? I have my own car I can just go by myself. " she worries about being a bother even though he's the one who asked first.
"im sure. now come on or we'll be late. " she finally sits down and admires the interior inside his car. he starts the car and starts driving.
"I wouldn't have expected someone like you to care about being late. " she laughs a little looking at him.
he glances at her, not wanting to crash and replies, "I only said that since you're new. wouldn't want a pretty girl like you getting in trouble. ", his flirting never ending.
"thank you, but im sure we have some time before class starts no? " she cheekily smiles at him. "what are you suggesting?"
- TIME SKIP -
" I'll have one matcha iced coffee. thank you." jia orders sitting down at a table with sunghoon.
"when you said we have some time left, I didn't expect you to bring me to a cafe. " he giggles leaning back on his chair.
"well, I need my energy. " she cracks her knuckles and leans back aswell.
silence is brought amongst them. It isn't awkward or anything, so the 2 continue sitting waiting for their coffee to come.
"hey, I gotta ask you something." he looks at her seriously. "what's up?" she furrows her eyebrows, not knowing what to expect. "did you and heeseung... do something last night?" she gulps and begans to laugh, "why are you asking?" .
"to protect you. heeseung may have said some nice stuff to you last night, but that's what he does. he plays around with girls and then leaves them the next day. I don't want the same to happen to you if you did do something."
worry starts to build up inside of her. "I guess we may have done something, but I don't think it was anything serious. "
he nods and decides to drop the subject before making her more uncomfortable than she already was..
the two continue sitting in silence, but after 2 minutes their coffee arrives and they get up to leave.
"thanks for paying, I appreciate it I'll treat you to coffee next time." she smiles at him and bows her head a little.
"there'll be a next time? " he smiles back at her. "if you want there to be. "
the 2 hop back into his car and drive to school, only having 5 minutes before the bell rings, they arrived 3 minutes later and hurry up into class. she drags him by hand, giggling like little kids, while people stare at them in the halls. it looks a bit corny, but they don't care in the moment.
they can see that their class doors closed, and both mentally prepare themselves to face the anger of their teacher.
they slowly knock and open the door, jia behind sunghoon. every student, including the teacher turns to look at them.
"where have you two been? class started 2 minutes ago. you're late!" she scolds them, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"we're sorry, miss, we lost track of time. " they both bow 90 degress and hurry into their seats.
jia notices heeseung sitting with his back turned to her, she furrows her eyebrows before tapping his shoulder. he doesn't turn around, so she taps it again.
he finally turns around and rolls his eyes at her, "do you need something?" he says in a harsh tone. she leans back into her chair and shakes her head, making him scoff and turn back around to the board.
"what the hell is up with him? was what sunghoon said true?" she thinks for the rest of the class.
after the bell rings, everybody stands up and heads for the door, but jia heads over to a sunghoon and taps him on the shoulder.
"I think what you said was true" he looks at her confused.
"heeseungs a dick. I don't understand what his problem is, he's literally the one who wanted me last night, yet now he's the one acting like this."
sunghoon shakes his head and lightly holds her arm. "im sorry he's doing that, but it's what he's known for, hey, let me take you out after school so you can forget about this. "
she frowns and also holds his hand, "thank you. "
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kkangkkangie · 2 years ago
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Professor Headcanons
Albus Dumbledore
he’s very accomplished in terms of wizarding academics, having won nearly every accolade there is. but—but, he’s also not averse in using like “muggle” techniques. the reason he even matched up against Voldemort is (cause I guarantee you) this person pulled out some muggle warfare tactic that caught him off-guard.
✨weaponized ignorance✨ (like seriously everyone knows he’s a genius, but like gets away with saying stuff like “nitwit” and “blubber”) he feels like a Luna kinnie at times
he switched out the smart three piece suit when (1) he no longer needed to impress Grindewald & (2) realized wizard robes were like blanket hoodies
“to be a wizen is a right, but to use magic is a privilege” 
Minerva McGonagall
this lady has the wizen equivalent of a physics PhD & she did it all with grace and sophistication. do not mess with her—there’s a reason she was chosen to wrangle a bunch of kids who think rules are like glowsticks (i.e. meant to be broken).
this is that one professor who grades your exams in one day & posts grades immediately. Alternatively, she somehow never misses a question. either she has the world’s greatest spell for grading or she’s just that good. 
she’s the de-facto leader of the faculty (other than Dumbledore, but even he defers to her at times) + the stern parent that makes sure that the emo child (snape) gets social interactions or botany hyperfixater (sprout) doesn’t create a breed of plants that eats the students, etc. 
“words are meaningless if there is no willpower driving it—conversely, one should not speak unless one wants to will something to reality”
Severus Snape
that asocial genius trope. he hated eating at the faculty table in front of students so he didn’t. until came Celaena and Harry Co., then for the sake of keeping his sanity intact, he did (he even does a little headcount of his students & panics if one of them is missing)
he wears the same robes for a reason. they keep him cool in the heat of summer & somehow provides insulation for the cold dungeon winters. it works. he wears.
he learned that simply not requiring textbooks in his class (or at least one pertaining to brewing) was better than losing his shit everytime he saw the terrible instructions. in his first few years of teaching, he set 4 textbooks on fire. 
“there is nothing worse than incompetency masquerading as confidence” 
Pomona Sprout
acts like she’s on five coffees a day even though she doesn’t drink any. this lady has the strength and energy of a whole farm—she could plant all day & be the happiest person on the planet. she’s the strongest faculty member (stronger than Hooch, which allows for some fun challenges when inebriated) 
she experiments a lot! like she has several notebooks dedicated to recording the minute changes in the properties of plants—with the aid of Snape’s potion skills. the two singlehandedly came up with a new set of ingredients for seasonal potions for the Hospital Wing.
loves to talk with students outside of classes (oftentimes, dragging them to the greenhouses) & it really didn’t matter what house you were in. most students found her the easiest to approach from all houses and years.
“plants are like miniature humans! but I do think they listen much better than you lot”
Aurora Sinistra
she’s that one teacher that’s super hard at the beginning, but as you get used to her teaching methods—best teacher ever. the reason that students in arithmancy usually get a minimum of an A? it’s her. she taught them well.
best tea brewer ever. periodt. Snape’s a close close second, but there’s something about the infusion of moonlight that makes hers legendary. the two often share recipes together—a habit from their years at Hogwarts (although, back then, it was mostly recipes for their friends b/c wow were they bad at taking care of themselves)
she tries to keep homework as small as possible b/c it’s not possible to wait until the stars are out to do them sometimes, but it means that classes are more often. she’s the first teacher to adjust the schedule based on the seasons—less classes, more hw in winter & vice versa in summer season)
“every myths and legends can be ascribed to the beauty of outer universe—we must not forget”
Filius Flitwick
just to start, big aristotle kinnie. he has the aristotelian physics PhD equivalent in the wizarding world (definite big brain). he’s the only other person who can really get technical with McGonagall—both of them are menaces at faculty gatherings.
he has the best manners—not just like table manners, but like how to engage in socialite behavior expertise in multiple customs. he’s practically eligible to be a proper diplomat, but he chose to teach charms because he practically becomes like a little child again, wide-eyed and excited.
he has a very structured manner of teaching b/c he realized how often he’d go on tangents. his older students have the privilege to listen to his rabbit holes before descending down into their own rabbit holes too. 
“brilliance is subjective! every idea is brilliant if you are so enamored by it”
Cuthbert Binns
ghosty man who continued to teach even after death. he became a true icon of living history cause not only did he teach Riddle, McGonagall, Moriarty, and even Harry Potter—he lived through them & he did it all half-asleep. respect.
has no respect for wizen legend and myths—he’s much more rather interested in wizen fact that align with Muggle mythology and legends. there’s an element that he is able to prove and extrapolate—it gets too much with wizen technicalities. 
this man has two office hours. you can either go ask for help and gain a whole lecture on your topic or you can join a group sleepfest. some students with insomnia noticed being able to sleep with his voice as white noise. truly a cure for them.
“we [historians] are not seers; wizen merely have an unfortunate habit of making mistakes and forgetting about them”
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leonbastralle · 10 months ago
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GAMES I PLAYED IN 2023 - FIRST HALF-ISH
i've been seeing a lot of this in gif form but i do not have the energy or video material and also i'm late but i rly wanted to make a post where i say a lil bit abt all the games i played and how i liked them!
pokemon platinum, soulsilver, white, white 2, y, sun, alpha sapphire & shield: i started a big mainline pokemon marathon in 2022 but most of it fell on 2023. it was a lovely time tbh and i miss it! platinum was a bit too grindy (but we love cynthia) and soulsilver traumatised me for glitch reasons. my favorites out of this lineup were definitely gen 5 in terms of storyline and pokemon selection, the later ones were a bit too handholdy and slow for my taste, and alpha sapphire could not compete w the og emerald which is my favorite pokemon game of all time. i did rly love shield though but that's bc i'm a) a football girl and b) i played it on my wife's sofa askfjhkasjf. anyway music is bangers all around and i do love The Concept of pokemon so i didn't hate any of them.
lonely people potion shop: this was an absolute surprise indie gem that i found on my wife's itch.io in 2022 but i replayed it for her in 2023 so it counts. this game is a rly short very fruity visual novel where you make potions for people and chat with them. it's one of the most heartwarming and gentle games i've played, every character is so lovely and caring towards each other and also to you the player! 100% would recommend i cried a bit several times.
validate: i really wanted to love this game because a dating sim/visual novel/narrative fiction type game w a super diverse cast (in terms of backgrounds, body types, gender, sexuality, and mental health struggles) and such a lovely art style? sounds perfect! and it would be if the characters weren't so...unlikeable sjfhaksjfa. it eventually got so difficult for me to root for them and also kind of frustrating bc the routes overlap in a way that even if you get good outcomes in one route, you can still mess up the relationship in a different route (because you have routes for each of the characters) so i ended up not finishing it.
neo cab: another one i never finished but was rly intrigued by! another visual novel but choices matter type deal where you play as a taxi driver in a dystopian world where you're being replaced by self driving taxis. the mechanics and cast are really cool and if the storyline didn't stress me out so much i would've finished it by now but i definitely will one day!
coffee talk 1/2: barista simulator meets visual novel in an urban fantasy setting where you also kinda save the world one drink at a time! i loved the first one so so much and finally played it last year in preparation for the second one coming out that i'd been anxiously awaiting, it's so vibey and the characters and their storylines are so interesting and i loved seeing their heartfelt interactions! also the first game was giving such strong queer vibes but they kinda dropped the ball w that in the second game trying to backtrack on that. ruined the experience for me a little bit but still a very solid game w cool additions to the already great cast of the first game!
skyrim: not much to say about that one. my favorite classic walking simulator that i keep coming back to, still very much playable and so pretty even on the switch! unfortunately also incredibly broken so i can't finish the solstheim questlines kjsfhkajsfas fuck you todd howard
calico: wonky little game where you explore the world and also bake and own a café that you can fill with all sorts of animals from cats to snow foxes to capybaras because why the fuck not! absolutely delightful, 10/10
later alligator: lovely little puzzle game w great old timey detective vibes and a banger soundtrack where everyone is alligators. these characters are such great fun, i loved the writing and i loved learning about all of them and doing tasks for them! the minigames got a bit frustrating at times bc i was lacking the coordination skills or just general strategy and there are some completionist things i could never do because of that and the main character (the main guy you're doing things for, not the player character) can get on your nerves pretty quickly but otherwise a lovely game w a great twist in my opinion
strange horticulture: this one made it into my all time favorites too. you play as the owner of a supernatural plant shop in a place where A Lot of strange things are going on. it has a bunch of really cool mechanics like plant identification and a lot of map related puzzles to find new plants, secrets etc. the overarching story that gets revealed bit by bit from an unknown person's pov outside of the gameplay while related events are also happening in real time was so interesting, and there are a lot of cool choices you can make that lead to various more or less unsettling outcomes. the spooky vibe is SO good but at the same time it has a very calming homey feel AND YOU CAN PET THE CAT 10000/10
penko park: another absolute indie banger. probably something like a pokemon snap but the beasties look fucking stupid and kinda creepy and the lore is cursed as hell. throughout the game you explore the remains of a park that was built upon the abuse of all sorts of cute little creatures (and big creatures) and while you mostly try to take pictures of every weird looking fella in their different emotional states that you bring upon them in various ways, maybe there's something you can do to right the wrongs of the park founders! who knows! (also special shoutout because these are german devs and as a german, i am especially demanding when it comes to german games and this one knocked it out of the park) (haha the park get it)
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scavengerssuccotash · 1 year ago
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Hi! I love your clintasha stuff so much.
Do you have any headcanons for clintasha angst?! I’ve always imagined that with their age gap, nat’s closeness to Steve (in the MCU anyway), Clint’s insecurities and hidden anger streak (as seen in Endgame with Ronin), and the fact that they both have quite dominant personalities, conditions can sometimes be ripe for an argument.
And when they do fight, they fight! Like all the avengers/SHIELD are on edge for days because of the tension. And eventually one of them just gets so upset not having the other there that they will work up the courage to apologize.
Aww! Why thank you so much I’m glad you’re enjoying them!
I picture the fights between Clint and Nat to be a micro equivalent of the Cold War. Well, unlike the Cold War it does get hot! (Pun intended!) Picture the Cuban Missile crisis but make it between two very dominate and very opinionated and highly skilled individuals whose combined capabilities could level any building with a three block radius.
That my friend is what happens when Clint and Nat trade blows. Fortunately for New York and Avengers Tower they’ve managed to reserve their anger to sharp-tongued barbs and egg-shell tense silence. At least while in front of the team…until one or the other cracks and a dish gets thrown.
(Clint threw a coffee cup and missed Natasha obviously, Natasha predictably got offended that he missed on purpose. Steve had to cut in between them, which only redirected their anger onto him much to his supreme confusion.
“Oh wow look at Cap really putting your namesake to use huh? Do you have a list of thirteen points?!”
“Kindly fuck off old man, not every fight needs your fucking help!”
Clint and Nat promptly shared a look. Twenty minutes later everyone heard the ‘kiss and make-up’)
Clint definitely has an anger streak roughly six miles long but he hides it very very well. It took Phil a lot of blood (literally), sweat, and tears to help Clint get a handle on his shit when he first joined SHIELD. While his anger bursts are few and far in between, when they do explode out of him he has at least learned to redirect that anger onto his physical surroundings and be mindful that maybe punching a concrete wall wouldn’t do his shooting hand well. One of the first things Natasha ever gave him was a tennis ball. She picked it up on a whim during a mission because Clint was annoyingly restless, and figuratively bouncing off the walls with energy that he needed to expend but couldn’t because the mission was geared towards her skill set rather than his. He still has it to this day and whenever he feels the tell-tell hotness burning up his spine that comes with a burst of anger he’ll take out the tennis ball and start ricocheting it off the walls. (It drives Tony absolutely fucking nuts.)
Natasha’s anger is far more…precise. Like a surgeon’s scalpel compared to the mini nuke that is Clint’s. She specializes in using silence, passive aggression and careful word choice to express her anger, which inevitably triggers Clint’s mouth because he hates getting ignored. Especially by her. If by the fourth day neither of them crack Clint will start the truce with her favorite meal, a hot drawn bath and a list of apologies. Afterwards they’ll talk it out, between rounds of sex. (Clint’s of the mind that Natasha will just start some if the fights for the make up sex. Natasha only confirms this much later when physically backed into a corner. He really can’t blame her, he’s done it at least once or twice.)
Natasha’s apologies require a lot less forethought. Clint drops whatever argument they’re having at the sight of her bare breasts, along with his pants. This neat trick lasted for ohh about the second big blow out, when Clint afterwards rolled over and demanded that if she was gonna just fuck their problems away they might as well call it quits. “Don’t get me wrong you’ve got great tits and the sex is mind blowing but if great tits and mind blowing sex is all it takes we’ve got bigger problems, Tasha.” In the end they keep the sex, but Natasha makes an effort to truly truly talk it all out, which in returns Clint rewards. Quite enthusiastically.
For the more minor spats, they save those for the training mats, trading punches and ass pinches. By the time that’s all done they’re lying on their backs sweating through their clothes and laughing. They might be dating, but ultimately they’re competitive best friends through and through.
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yourlocalwitchthings-blog · 2 months ago
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Went to horror con with my dad today. We had a good time, had some heavy conversations. I try not to think about it too much but... and I know there's a word for this, but I'm so used to being invisible, that it strikes me as obscenely profound when someone notices something about me. Like, I don't notice how disconnected I feel from my family until Dad says he wants to do something just for him and I... and then spent half the drive on the phone with my brother. And then Dad noticed me starting to limp before I've even begun to process the spike in my pain. I have a spinal condition and live my life with a base level of pain, I'm used to pushing through and ignoring it just to finish a day at work. It was fun to see dad geek out about all the actors signing autographs and stand to stare at Cassandra Peterson for a few slack-jawed minutes. I got to introduce him to the concept of dice towers while he teased that dnd used to be a thing you played with a few papers and a couple friends in your mom's basement bc you couldn't get a date. Then i stared at him for a minute, and pointed out that I live with him, in a partially converted garage, and don't date bc I have attachment and self esteem issues among other things.
He did the whole "I worry about what will happen to you when I'm gone" thing and I didn't have the heart to tell him I won't be around very long after he's gone, so it won't matter.
I miss when spending time with Dad didn't hurt so much. That's my favorite person on this miserable planet, and in the moment, I love every second of his time, but after... I feel raw, and drained, and a burden. I don't want to exist like this. I'm so tired of hurting and being so alone, and I hate that I don't have the drive, ambition or energy to go after what I want from life, or even just improve my standing. It takes everything I have just to get up and take care of my current obligations every day. I don't want a career, I want to live in a cozy cottage in the woods, grow old with a plethora of pets and children, and die holding someone's hand. Can't get a cottage in the woods without money. Can't raise kids without money, can't have kids without a partner, can't get a partner because dating has a whole slew of things that make the experience God-fucking-awful. And if I did have kids? What would that do to my pain? Two years of dog grooming took ten years of my prospective mobility. What would 18+ years of raising another human do? Hello, wheel chair, I'm sprinting towards you. I want to love and be loved but gods, that really doesn't seem to be in the cards this life. So, what? I'm supposed to dig up some ambition I simply don't have and apply myself to a career i don't want until I drive myself into the grave and hope that fills the pit in my soul?
I feel so hopeless. There's nothing for me in this life but pain and loneliness. But dad noticed my limp before i did.
I don't know where I was going with this, I think it's time for bed.
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danceordie1 · 5 months ago
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before sunrise 1995 review
i have had this downloaded and ready to go for a few weeks. but didn't get around to it until now. i keep coming back to this introduction because i really want to put this out right, even if it is letterboxd, because i live in a constant state of fear and want to write something even if it is really intense. i have a hard time being able to speak my point of view. which is the latest random epiphany i have that ends up not really changing my life in the long term.
i have the tendency to take these epiphanies as passing fancies that dont really mean anything about myself. i like to keep them locked down… but i keep being faced with chances to believe in things, which is the prerequisite for the capacity to experience potential love, and is also the force behind … then i start writing like a grad student, which is where i always invested that energy. needing to keep writing critically back upon myself in order to tear up every belief and make room for nothing. i feel things really dramatically, like how it would have been staged for the movies. i feel like i think in cartoon basics - i base my feelings-based decisions on 15-frame static cartoons that dance just over the pictured wave of my peripheral vision. and then i return to the grad student thing again, never able to really get at my feelings because i'm broken forever, i'm so doomed, i can never get anything good in life because i completely screwed myself over, i can't even think or write at all, can't really express anything that i want to say, when there actually did used to be a time when i could write whatever i wanted down on the page without any of this inane filter and hesitation when my writing really is just a two step unedited process where i mean the second part of those two steps is the editorial process, who is not me. who has to be the one who has the editorial mean streak, the inward facing streak that doesn't want to be seen, just wants to sit there and edit… make it so i can never make anything that i want to say sound how i want it to sound… i want to release the whole of this, with the unedited previous portions, showing the loop back around again… maybe the one that i miss is the angel that has landed on my shoulder all along. earlier tonight i was out in the dark praying for a guide to show me to someone i love, show me to someone who loves me… my intuition knows best but i left my body behind one day about 7 years ago and I am trying to get it back. on board all the time with the editor, the cynic… i try to beat it back… don't have it in me to try hard enough, because my muscles are all constantly perfectly tight and ready to run, leaving very little room for "my true self".
and yet because what formed me this way… it makes it impossible to try to write down… because i keep coming at it with this very inarticulate sense of what happened. it's a stone… and won't often speak again… the night ended up here because of the funny and amazing pharmacy cocktail that i came up with, but i hate myself when i sound whimsical because it feels like always my easiest point of attack… i feel like being whimsical is this completely degraded kind of thing that people hate.
thankfully, am now sort of falling asleep. was writing completely stream of consciousness there for a sec because i had wanted to say something about how it feels like the inner critic has a front row driving position in my life but is throwing me lifelines now and again as a reward for doing good… my shit is my own angel… trying to find a way to talk to her is so unrewarding so much of the time because it makes it harder for me to even begin to have a life. but i just hate every previous iteration of myself.
because i hate whatever came before, i love whatever i have jumped on next.
i feel like a body wrapped in wax canvas sent in the fog to the highest tower. i am always practicing rigor mortis, i typically have the whole lower part of my abdomen become alight with ennervation when i can byass the midline stiff blockage and breathe in full through my lower belly. it's pretty easy to trick yourself into thinking that its not like this, no you are not actually breathing anything other than like an animal being circled by teeth.
because i thi cartoon basics for argumentative logic
because i spent the day acting like a prey animal, like actually i was going deep into the woods.
the night before i had a dream about how i had a toddler out there, who i had given birth to when i was 17, who was coming into my custody, who was also a rodent-type fuzzy brown creature who lay flat in my palm belly-up like a pancake cockroach. it was also being investigated and studied by scientists who i kept at bay with my stories about the creatures. i kept waking up thru the dream and thinking "yes, you were raped, it's the only explanation…" then i woke up and remembered i am not raped. so i go around acting like i could be killed, amping up my nervous system to believe that i actually could just momentarily be killed. walking softly on the ground, head scanning for any movement. it just feels right. it makes you need to take the dreams as they are and to live them…
today i had been becoming a prey animal by mixing meds and going deep into the woods onto other people's properties.
I have had this downloaded and ready to go since a few weeks and I watched it because just previously I had spent the day becoming a prey animal by taking certain medications and going into the forest. this was because I had had a dream about how I had been raped, and given birth, when I was 17,
having been raped & birthed a baby when I was 17, but the premise of the dream was that I was "waking up to the reality" that I had given birth in the past, and that I had a living toddler out there, who through the dream appeared as a fuzzy brown rodent-cat hybrid that I held flat, belly up, in my hand, like in a cockroach shape.
just before watching this movie I had been outside in the dark forest praying for an guide to come to me and to lead me to someone I need. very grim. I have this downloaded for a few wks now, can't do it because i keep getting addicted to tiktok because I can't find a better input source to keep everything in me perfectly fine tuned and
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bilightningwhumper · 6 months ago
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Mangst 2024- Day 27
<<Previous . Masterlist . Next>>
Royal Makeover (Frog Prince) Masterlist
“I can't believe I thought you loved me.”
Summary:
Max has a hard decision to make Potential spoiler excerpt from "Royal Makeover"
Notes:
Not really any warnings, mostly just relationship angst and one character is drunk (note: I don't drink so my only knowledge comes from seeing drunk people at work) Characters: Max- "Princess" Wayland- Frog Prince
Max’s POV
“Heyyy, Max.” Wayland slurred, draping himself over his boyfriend. The stink of alcohol reeked on his breath.
Max’s jaw clenched. It was getting harder and harder to entertain Wayland’s antics. “Come on, let’s go.” he grumbled.
At least he didn’t fight Max on the way to the car this time. Even if he did whine and groan all the way there about “what a good time they were having” and “did they really have to go?” Before promptly passing out in the car seat as he turned the ignition on.
Driving home in silence was better than trying to have a conversation with a drunk Wayland which he really didn’t have the energy for. Not anymore. His hands were gripping the wheel so hard they were turning white, so Max forced himself to ease up, sighing heavily. He kept glancing over at his boyfriend. They’d been best friends since they were kids, boyfriends for just the last few years. It’d been great at first. But… Wayland’s occasional party going or every now and then “go out for drinks with friends” had started to become a habit. Honestly, if Max was honest with himself, it’d become a habit a long time ago, he just ignored it because Wayland was happy. It took the stress off things going on at home, he knew that. It’s just… It was becoming harder to ignore that Max was becoming more of Wayland’s babysitter than his partner.
‘Sasha’s probably right,’ Max thought to himself, sighing. ‘Better to break things off now before we ruin what’s left of our friendship fighting.’
Parking the car in front of Wayland’s family home, Max shook him awake. “Hey, hun, you’re home.”
Wayland woke up slowly, looking around. His eyes were bloodshot, but he definitely appeared more sober than he had twenty minutes ago. He’d probably gained a higher tolerance to alcohol drinking so much the last several months. He looked at Max with clarity that the other could never understand how he managed being so intoxicated.
“You’re thinking.” Wayland said, pointing at Max’s face. “Serious eyes.”
Max’s heart stuttered. He couldn’t do this. Not right now. “We can talk about it later.” he said, looking away. ‘When you’re not hung over or drunk.’ he added silently.
Wayland snorted next to him. “Yeah, right, when? You’ve been avoiding me for weeks except for when you absolutely have to, like now.” Glancing over, he watched Wayland as he slumped in the seat. “I miss you. I miss us.”
S haking, Max ran his fingers roughly through his hair. Closing his eyes, he tried to come up with the best way to explain himself, to make it easier to bring up things later. But what came out was, “I think we should break up.”
Silence.
“What?”
Max hated how small Wayland sounded. But it’s for the best, he reminded himself. “Things haven’t been good between us for a while now.” The words poured out, rehearsed in his head thousands of times. “ You keep partying and drinking at all hours. Our anniversary was last week and you didn’t even answer my call until the next day. We’re supposed to be partners and instead I’m feeling more like your parent while you’re acting like a child.”
He felt Wayland just staring at him so he kept looking straight ahead. The alpha’s sour scent filled his car, making his resolve waver, but he held firm.
“I can’t keep doing this. Not anymore. We can still be friends, but… Until you’re ready to actually be my partner, I’m done.”
Wayland’s breathing got heavy, his scent becoming more inflamed by the second. “And I can’t believe I thought you loved me.” he spat, getting out and slamming the car door shut.
Max watched him stumble up the walkway and get into the house before letting his head thump onto the top of the steering wheel. This was a mess. Not how he wanted to do this at all. But he had to, for both their sake. Wayland would get that, someday.
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the-cat-chat · 8 months ago
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May 11, 2024
Bird Box (2018)
Five years after an ominous unseen presence drives most of society to suicide, a mother and her two children make a desperate bid to reach safety.
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Warning: Review may contain spoilers. Read at your own risk.
JayBell: It's Mother's Day weekend and to celebrate we've decided to honor our mother, Sandra Bullock. I remember when Bird Box came out and everyone was doing that stupid "Bird Box" challenge, blindfolding themselves and wandering around. I wonder how many people were injured while bird boxing?
This is my second watch of the movie since it came out in 2018. After this rewatch, my feelings are pretty much the same: It's alright. I don't hate or dislike this movie, in fact, the plot is right up my alley. It's just full of SO many plot holes that they do become a little hard to overlook.
For example, why on earth can't these creatures go inside a building or a car? Any explanation, even a stupid one that I could latch on to would help. How are Sandra Bullock and her hot younger man so in shape after like six years of living on scraps? What grocery store sells so many walkie-talkies and live birds?
And let's be real. Ain't no way that boat gets overturned on the river and both kids survive, are located, and are fine. While blindfolded. Can these children even swim?? Did I miss them getting swimming lessons at the local YMCA? Nah, both children and the birds in the box would've died easily. At least have the kids tied to Sandra Bullock or something. Speaking of the kids, I get being traumatized, but they acted so robotically throughout the movie, mainly just the boy. I just found it odd.
With all that said, I like Sandra Bullock's character. I like how upfront the movie is about Sandra Bullock's character's uncertainty and maybe even dislike of the possibility of motherhood. It doesn't seem like she wants to be a mother in the beginning, and soon the choice is taken away from her. She doesn't have this stereotypical, perfectly caring, maternal energy and personality. Is that hard to see play out when she's in charge of children? Yes. But that also makes it feel more realistic. She isn't some motherly caricature that people romanticize. In fact, our hot younger dude that shacks up with Sandra ends up being the maternal figure in the movie, which is interesting.
That doesn't mean she doesn't love the kids. Being the perfect mother isn't her priority, especially in these circumstances, she just wants them to survive. I like seeing this imperfect view of a usually romanticized (or overly criticized) figure.
Because of this view of motherhood, I rate the movie higher than you would initially assume based on the several plot holes I've identified (and the several more I didn't mention).
P.S. mgk what are you doing here? And Wong from SVU?
P.P.S. No way would Sandra Bullock's hot younger military guy let her name the children Girl and Boy for years and years.
Rating: 5.5/10 cats 🐈
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Anzie: Ok. Soo unfortunately my love of Sandra Bullock didn’t drag me from under my rock to get me to watch this when it was all the rage. But better late than never and my ruined cuticles and I cannot tell a lie- this was pretty great while giving every organ in my body cortisol damage from pure stress.
I have to just get it out that my reoccurring thought since we watched this is how awesome it is that the movie can illicit such nervous anxiety and fear without even having to worry about what these “monsters” look like (other than the pictures that crazy guy drew) but like seriousllly Grade A acting as to be expected. Sarah Paulson truly knows how to put on a good waterworks show.
* Quick aside- Sandra Bullock and Sarah Paulson - uh long lost sisters, what a duo? And all the other random actors?? I think MGK gave me whiplash. Totally not expecting that or John Malkovich?? Or any of the other random pop ups.
Anywayyy, I kept getting The Mist vibes, especially at the grocery store and in the car- and we know that went well for us, and I have to say sorry Stephen King but in terms of unseeable creatures and the end of times, Birdbox has got it going on.
I have no nails at the point I’m writing this. I probably didn’t breathe until the next day after seeing this?? I was so on edge and hated to know what happened next- and the jumps in time when this thing started to now with her trying to get her and the kids to the other group?? Soo fantastic- I do have to say tho I feel there are a lot of little plot holes and situations, and I’ve got questions, but I’m sure the book really goes into everything in greater detail, so I’ll let it slide. I loved how she ends up at a school for the blind and her ob/gyn is also there??? But how mortified would you be to say the kid’s names are boy and girl??? After the whole conversation 10years prior?? I’d die. I know there are deeper meanings to the whole story- and in the context it’s a horrific idea on how mental heath or really anything consumes people/ and the concept if you ignore it and do t look at it straight on it just goes away and doesn’t exist- but this is really a nerve racking story just at surface level too, and it’s interesting that it can be both with how the author created this story.
^ the whole concept of birdbox was lost on me momentarily while we watched this??? Honestly, I’m still gonna blame the Benadryl I’ve been taking for my allergic reaction so I don’t feel terrible about myself. 😅The whole out of sight out of mind deal- I legit forgot there were birds every time until they came back on screen—- but now I can’t stop thinking if how some believe birds can be messengers to people with the spirit world?? And if that was a reason the author chose birds??? It’s really killing me bc I love all the little different messages each bird symbolizes- but also like that’s a lot to put on a little bird?? Whyyyydddd he pick birddddss to see the evil things?!?!?!?!?!
I’m probs just reading too much into it. JOSH MaLERmaNnnnnnNnn why??
Rating: 6/10 Birds 🦜
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rafescoke · 3 years ago
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Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High ; Rafe Cameron
masterlist
Request: The second one I was hoping could be a Rafe x reader based on the song why’d you only call me when you’re high by arctic monkeys. Maybe something along the lines of rafe only calling and giving the reader attention when he wants to hook up. Finally, the reader gets tired of it their feelings known.
Pairing: Rafe Cameron x reader
Summary: Reader finds herself thinking about a certain boy more than what they had agreed on
Warnings: Hella angst, mentions of sex, masterbating, substance, cursing, toxic relationship
A/N: I’ve been updating a new fic every single day and the amount of love you guys are returning is beyond amazing. I love you so much, thank you for all of your kind words <3
p.s, again, my request box is always open. drop in any ideas and i’ll present to you my best :)
p.p.s, does anyone know why i can’t tag some users? im going crazy.
“I was thinking. . .” Rafe trailed, drawing invisible circles against her soft skin. She hummed in response, her eyes closed, feeling so relaxed under the silk bedsheet wrapping around her body.
“We should do this often.”
“Is twice a day isn’t enough for you?” she asked, hiding her smile. She felt him shift, placing his arms around her waist and pulling her close against him. She giggled lightly, feeling him behind her, but she was too tired to do anything.
“We should try doing it every minute,” he simply replied, smelling into her scent. She smelt like vanilla and caramel, just the way he likes it. “Is this the perfume I bought?”
“Yeah,” she mumbled, feeling so peaceful she could sleep if he hadn’t pulled her closer against his hardening member. She groaned, trying to scoot forward by an inch, but was stopped by his fingers gripping her hips.
“I’m sore.”
“I know,” he replied casually, still brushing against her bottom. Before he could do anything else she turned, now facing him. She looked at his handsome face, his blue eyes and his soft lips. Her thumb grazed over his top lip, and Rafe swore he could fuck her anytime soon if she kept doing that.
“Are you not tired?” she asked, now cupping his face. He stared into her eyes, feeling himself getting lost in them before giving her a smile.
“No.”
“You’re mental,” she sighed, but she failed to contain her laugh after. She giggled, still cupping his face, and she has never felt so calm and relax before. Just them two, on top of a bed in some cheap motel, sometimes hearing the couple staying on top of them screaming at each other.
“Are you?” he continued, tilting his head into her hands. She smiled when he closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth radiating from her. He loves it. He feels at peace.
(Y/N) sighed, loving yet also hating these kind of moments where she knew they would be acting like strangers after, in front of everyone else. She remembered the exact day after she had had sex with him for the first time, and how he acted so cold afterwards.
“Hey,” (Y/N) smiled, standing beside his form as he squinted his eyes against the bright sunlight to inspect his goal. He didn’t reply, swinging his golf club upwards and hit the golf ball. (Y/N) watched as it flew and landed near the goal, and expressed a smile.
“You’re good.”
“Huh?” he looked up to her, as if just noticed her existence. (Y/N) felt a pang of hurt across her heart, especially when he had just whispered so many love words into her ear the night before.
“I said you’re good.”
“Oh, thanks,” he muttered, already making his way back to where his friends were. Clearly not satisfied, she followed him suit, watching as his friends cheered for him. Rafe groaned even harder, and turned to look at her before they got too close to his friends.
“What are you fucking doing here?” he scolded, his eyes staring at a space beside her. (Y/N) raised a brow, being caught off guard, but she tried to play it cool.
“I’m a member of this country club too, Rafe,” she replied, scoffing. “You’re an asshole, do you know that? Are we not going to talk about last ni-”
“Shut up,” he grunted, looking backwards to check on his friends before pulling her a few distance away. “Look, I was on drugs last night. That was not me. Let it go, okay?”
(Y/N) has never experienced that kind of disrespect, and she swore she hated Rafe Cameron so bad that when she got home, she cried against her pillows until the night sky greeted her. 
She thought about the many other guys who tried to be with her, but she had pushed them all away for a certain rich boy living 6 houses away from her. The fact that her parents are good friends with Ward and Rose Cameron doesn’t make it any easier, not when she is forced to see him every single Saturday night for ‘barbecue night’.
“What are you thinking?” he suddenly spoke, interrupting her thoughts. She sighed, suddenly scooting away from him. He watched as she turned away, but he didn’t put much thoughts into it.
“I can still smell the weed from you,” she suddenly said, and Rafe let out a laugh. He rubbed his eyes, hating the fact that they are going to repeat the same topic they have fought countless of times before, especially after sex and they had both came down from the high.
“Don’t start, (Y/N), fuck,” he sighed, covering his face with his large hands. He watched as she scooted further, wrapping the covers around her body. “Can you please just lay right next to me?”
“I want to sleep,” she replied, and bit her lips before she could express any tears. Rafe sighed, groaning, and sat up straight, resting on the edge of the bed before reaching for his jeans discarded on the corner of the room.
“I’m leaving,” he said, and (Y/N) heard the metal bar of his belt clanking against his jeans button. “Since you wanna act like a bitch again.”
“You’re an asshole,” she replied, still not looking at him. A tear rolled down her cheeks before she could stop herself, and she quickly wiped them away.
“Whatever,” he said, and she heard the door slammed shut. She cursed, unable to stop her tears now that she was alone. The banter between the husband and wife from the room above filled the silence as (Y/N) sobbed against the pillow and she thought about how it resembled her and Rafe’s relationship so much.
He would call her when he’s under the influence, whispering sweet-nothings through the phone, saying how much he’s missing her and longing for her forehead kisses. The fight they had before the phone call will immediately evaporate into thin air, and (Y/N) will make her way to wherever Rafe is. Sometimes they’ll do it in the car in a secluded alley or sometimes in the cheap motel at Chapel Hill. 
But then it was the moments after their brief meeting that had her all moody and depress throughout the week; how he would ignore her, pretending not to see her and forcing himself to say ‘hi’ during their family barbecue.
(Y/N) never thought of herself as someone who’s prone to being in a sneaky relationship, but if that what it takes to be with Rafe Cameron, she was willing to be in one.
It had been a week since the incidence, and Rafe hadn’t call her to meet or anything of the sort. (Y/N) frowned when she thought of this, because the longest fight they had before only lasted for 2 days before he rang her up, asking to meet up. 
(Y/N) shook her head, sipping on her martini before setting it on the side of the swimming pool. She dived into the water, trying to get the heat from the scorching sun off of her, and resurfaced seconds after, her wet hair falling down her shoulders.
“(Y/N), where’s dad?” Topper appeared, squatting in front of her as she took another sip on the martini. Her eyes fell to the figure behind her brother, and she almost choked on the liquid.
“Um, I don’t know,” (Y/N) replied, staring at Rafe Cameron as he took out his phone to check on his messages, ignoring her like always. She rolled her eyes at this, knowing that there were no new texts and he was just trying to act like she wasn’t there. She dived into the water again and swam to the other side, away from Rafe and his negative energy.
If Rafe knew she was going to be in the swimming pool, he would have made an excuse to Topper, perhaps saying how he has to take Wheezie to the clinic for an appointment. (Y/N) was almost never home every time he hang out with Topper, so he thought he was safe. But there she was; in the most tempting bikini, swimming and constantly sipping on a martini.
Rafe sat right next to Topper, watching her back from the corners of his eyes as she gazed at the view in front of her. She was laying on her arms, lazily humming to a rock song Rafe plays every time he’s driving.
He jolted when Topper touched his hand. 
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Topper laughed, “I said, do you wanna eat?”
“I’m okay,” he mumbled, closing his eyes and thinking about good she looked in that bikini. He made a mental note to guess the brand to purchase more of that sort for her. 
“Okay, I’m going in to get myself some food. Are you sure you don’t want any food?” Topper asked, sitting on the edge of the seat. Rafe nodded, his eyes still closed, and heard him walking towards the sliding door into the kitchen.
“Why are you ignoring me?” 
Rafe opened his eyes, and to his satisfaction, the girl with the (H/C) locks stared at him with her face rested against her arms. His breath hitched, seeing how beautiful she was with the chlorine water dripping from her face, down to her neck, continuing to her che-
“God, you’re a fucking asshole,” she suddenly said, and Rafe had to shook his head from the involuntary thought that appeared in his mind. He groaned, watching as she dived in the water again, and almost catching a glimpse of her bottom. He smiled.
“Are you still a bitch?” he asked when she resurfaced, crossing his arms. “Because if you are, I don’t feel like fucking you right here and right now.”
(Y/N) halted her movements as she tried her best not to look at the smirking boy, and instead staring into the swimming pool as if there was something interesting in it. Rafe laughed, knowing exactly the impact of his words towards her, and thought about wanting to have a little more fun with her.
“I’m asking, baby,” he said softly, and her eyes landed on his. “Are you still a bitch?”
“I brought cookies!” Topper suddenly yelled, appearing from the sliding door and walking towards them with a bright smile. Rafe cursed, laying his back against the seat again and pretending to close his eyes while (Y/N) dived underwater, trying to hide her red face. He was glad when Topper handed him a cookie, talking about wanting to surf tomorrow - so oblivious towards the sexual tension between him and his own twin.
“What do you think?” Topper asked, munching on the cookies all the while trying to see Rafe’s reaction. Rafe nodded, muttering his agreement, but under his sunglasses, he was watching (Y/N) and she too, was watching him.
“Can I have a cookie, Tops?” (Y/N) suddenly interrupted, and without looking at her, Topper gave her a thumbs up sign. (Y/N) smiled, pulling herself up from the pool and Rafe almost had a heart attack from the sight of her curves donning the bikini and the water dripping off of her.
She walked towards them, hair swept to her left shoulder, and Rafe’s gaze followed her fingers as she grabbed a cookie and immediately putting it in her mouth. He watched as she closed her eyes, enjoying the sweet taste, all the while sitting under the glowing sun that highlighted her features even more.
He could feel himself getting harder.
“Well,” (Y/N) suddenly said, and Rafe had realized he was too busy looking at her to realize that she was already conversing with Topper. “I’ll go. Is Rafe coming too?” 
Both of the siblings’ attention fell towards him, and Rafe found himself clearing his throat before he spoke.
“I’m sorry, where are we?”
“Man, are you sure you’re okay?” Topper asked, removing his sunglasses to look at him clearly. “Do you need water?”
“Yeah, I’m okay,” Rafe quickly added, “Can I, um, go up to your room? I think I need a nap.”
“Yeah, okay,” Topper replied, not thinking much of it. They had been spending so much time under the sun during the summer, he wouldn’t be surprised if one of them got sick. “I’ll go upstairs in a second.”
He muttered a thanks, quickly making his way to the top of the house, where Topper stayed. He groaned, feeling himself getting harder, and hating the fact that she was most probably liking the way he was reacting. 
He locked the door of the bathroom he has been using since the first day he became friends with Topper, watching himself in the mirror. He closed his eyes while he tried to picture her in his mind, his fingers trying their best to untie the knot of the band of his swimming shorts.
He held himself in the palm of his hands as he pictured her again, this time with her under him. He started sliding his palm over his hardened member, his other hand safely placed on the sink for balance. He thought of the way she’ll bounce on him when she rides him, and bit his lips before he could let out any sounds.
Fuck. 
He hated how easy she’ll make him hard and how she has him wrapped around her finger. It was true how they would only do the unholy thing when he was under the influence or they were both under the influence, but he couldn’t deny the unsettling feeling in his stomach every time he saw her.
“Fuck,” he expressed, his grip on the sink tightening. His movements became faster as he tried to picture her mouth and around him, and felt his end coming. He left a string of curses as he finally released himself, watching the shot dripping off the sides of the sink. He grunted, having to do more work, and grabbed himself the white tissues before wiping his mess.
. . .
“Hey.”
“Hey, Rafe,” (Y/N) said, trying to maintain her normal tone. She bit her lips at the sound of his heavy breathing, missing his voice and also his handsome face. She longed to have his face in her hands again, staring at each other’s eyes and kissing each other’s lips right after.
“Can you come over?” he asked, his voice slurring. “No, I mean, can I pick you up?” The sound of laughter and booming music could be heard behind him, giving out his location. (Y/N) sighed, knowing the exact request behind the words, and looked at her wall to check on the time.
“It’s 12 a.m., my mom won’t allow me to go out.”
“Sneak out, then,” Rafe replied, and he said something to his friends before focusing back on her. “Please? I missed you.”
(Y/N) sighed, knowing exactly her problem.
This.
“Okay,” she replied, leaning over her mattress to close her laptop now that she had new plans for the night. “What time are you picking me up?”
“I can’t drive right now,” he said, suddenly realizing how sloshed he was. “Can you come and pick me up, please?”
She sighed again, but she had missed him so much. Him and his touches. His and his words.
Him.
“Okay, send me your location, okay? I’ll pick you up.”
(Y/N) thought about how she couldn’t do it anymore. Not when she has spent most of her life trying to make him love her. He had been friends with her brother since forever, but yet he never seemed to settle on her. She heard about the amount of girls he dated and how she tried to become like them, but after a while, she grew bored of it. She was tired of running after someone who doesn’t want to be caught.
Until the night at the party, where they had been smoking and doing coke and god knows what else. (Y/N) had watched him from the corners of her eyes, liking how attractive he looked under the party lights. He was in a black shirt, his hair messily parted, a cigarette loosely hanging from his lips.
“Thornton, do you know how perfect your smile is?” he asked, leaning towards her. (Y/N) giggled, her back against the wall as she stared into his eyes. 
“You’re mistaking me for my brother, Rafe?” she asked, with that smile again. Rafe licked his lips, looking down to hers before leaning closer to whisper into her ear.
“I’ve got to confess, (Y/N),” he whispered, sending shivers down to her spine. “You’re the hottest sibling.”
When she woke up the next day, laying right next to Rafe Cameron, she had to pinch herself a few times to make sure that she was living in reality, but when she tried to approach him that evening on the golf course, it was like nothing happened that night.
It scarred her until he rang her up again, six days after. 
“Rafe,” (Y/N) sighed, leaning over to open the passenger’s door from her seat, seeing how drunk he was. Rafe giggled, getting himself in before shutting the door and staring at her. He leaned towards her and placed a sloppy kiss against her cheeks, down to her neck and stopped directly before her chest.
“Just park in the back,” he ordered, placing his palm on the upper side of her thigh, too close to her heat. She bit her lips as she turned her steering wheel, entering the back alley of the club. Soon after he had texted her his location, she sneaked out through her brother’s porch and stole his car, driving straight towards Rafe.
She turned the ignition off and looked at him, watching as he unbuttoned his shirt slowly, groaning when he missed one button. He tried to reach for her, but she pushed his hand away, her face expressing into anger.
“Don’t pull this shit again, fuck,” Rafe sighed, throwing his head back against the seat and covering his face with his hands. (Y/N) caught a glimpse of a gold ring, and noticed how it looked so similar to hers hanging around her neck.
“I can’t do this anymore,” she said, filling the silence. Rafe let out a shrill laugh, still closing his eyes.
“Still a bitch, I guess.”
“This is the problem, Rafe!” she groaned, causing Rafe to look at her fully in the face when he noticed her increasing volume. “What are we?”
“What do you want to hear?” he simply said, staring at her with empty eyes. He licked his lips, “No, seriously. Tell me the answer, and I’ll say it.”
How cold could he be?
“Rafe, do you see how you’re treating me?” she asked, and she could feel her tears threatening to fall. “Do you realize the difference between sober Rafe and intoxicated Rafe?”
Of course he knew. He just chose to ignore it.
“I can’t do this right now,” Rafe said, putting his hands up in defeat. “Can we just fuck, get over whatever fight we’re having right now, and live our best lives the next day? Can we do that?”
He turned to look at her, and noticed her glassy eyes. He sighed, trying to cup her face, but she flinched at his touch.
“You make me feel like a whore,” she whispered, her lips trembling. “One second you love me, the next second you’re spitting on me.”
He just had the worst night of his life; having a fight with Ward about his business, bumping onto the pogues, catching Sarah and John B. . . and now this?
“You think too much,” he said, but his heartbeat was quickening. He stole a glance at her and watched as she stared at him with empty eyes. “I’m sober now. You know what, (Y/N)? You’re right. I can’t even look at you when I’m not under the influence.”
He turned to open the door, getting out while buttoning his shirt back, not wanting to look at her. He couldn’t stand it, he knew he’ll be too broken if he sees her cry over him. He didn’t know what to do; he panicked, never preparing for this exact moment where he knew she will ask about the state of their relationship.
He watched as she sped away from the alley, her engine roaring against the silence of that particular Friday night, where his day had been nothing but miserable. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to contain his feelings, but before he knew it, he had kicked on the empty beer can on the side of the road, watching its movement as it hit the opposite wall and fell into the trash can.
He laughed at the strange occurrence, his tears slowly rolling down his cheeks and made his way back to the club.
If there’s one thing he’s so sure about himself; Rafe Cameron hates himself more than anyone else in the world.
-
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