#i might turn this post into a video essay someday

[wowzerwyrm]

I don’t comment often on posts like this, but reading your thoughts makes me think that you might be uniquely qualified to understand/critique my own opinion on this.

Bear with me, this might be a little bit messy. Basically, yes, a big aspect of art is labor. But I also believe that people should have the right to choose what aspect and amount of that labor they want to participate in.

To be human is to create, and be a part of the process of creation. I’m drawing a comic in my free time, something I hope to share eventually, for other people to enjoy and for my own satisfaction, and maybe even someday for me to live off of. This art and my ability to do it is important to me, and the labor is something I hope gains monetary value in the future.

But if AI becomes advanced enough that I could plug in the descriptions of panels of my comic and get exactly what I was looking for… well, being honest, in the current world, I might do that, because it is more efficient and my current life is living paycheck to paycheck and I would do a lot of things to escape that.

But in an ideal world where I didn’t need to work to live? Where my art could rely entirely upon its own, intrinsic merit, rather than whatever monetary value I can squeeze out of it? I would still be drawing, still be learning, still be failing and still be improving. Because as you said, “Creative expression… is an experience to be had.” We are human, and it’s important for us to experience the world and the methods around us, and to have hobbies, and to play games.

What does it mean to play a game? This video essay* talks about it a little, and eventually the idea boils down to the idea that playing a game is creating arbitrary rules and then following them in order to accomplish the goal. Using the example in the video, say your goal is to climb a mountain and reach the top. If a helicopter passes by and offers to carry you to the top, you’re going to refuse, because the point is not to reach the goal, it’s to follow the rules you set, to strive, to improve yourself in that way. It’s because you’re a Mountain Climber!

So even if it becomes possible to automate all my art, I would still want to learn it.

Here’s where the choice comes in, and why I think it’s important. If someone wants to tell a specific story, create a comic like mine, but they don’t want to spend the time learning the art form… I think they should have that choice. Because we don’t live forever, and we have to choose what to spend that limited time on.

Say this friend of mine wants to create a wonderful piece of painted pottery. At the top of my mountain that I like to climb, there’s an herb that’s essential for the pottery they want to create. Should they be forced to climb the mountain as well, even if that’s not what they’re interested in? Or can they take the helicopter ride?

How much of the process do we have to participate in before it counts as art? Should I, as a digital artist, have learned how to code all my brushes myself? Is my art not real art because I didn’t?

I follow a thriving tumblr community of knitters, weaving, loom-users. I don’t remember the proper name for them at this time, but I also don’t ever intend to start weaving. It’s just very cool, how people take plant and animal threads and hair and turn it into wool and then turn that into scarves and gloves.

Should every person who wants to knit have to create their own wool by hand? Should the people who make wool stop, because it’s already been automated and it’s pointless? No, I think they should both have a choice in how they want to participate in their craft.

If one of them has a sudden idea for a comic, or a piece of art, and there is an automated tool that allows them to bring that idea into being, should they be forced to stop improving their preferred craft of knitting in order to to get that story out into the world? Or can they take a brief detour from knitting, use that tool, and then return to their favorite work? They should of course be allowed to choose, either way. Maybe they do want to branch out into art.

And of course, a better understanding of how your art works will also make more competent art. There’s no denying that. If I understand line work, I’ll be able to create it or fix it more easily than if I don’t. If I understand wool vs cotton, I’ll be able to create warmer and sturdier mittens. But that should still be a choice people can choose to make.

Of course, we don’t live in the world where we’re free to make things without worry, we have to make money, and the tool of AI is currently threatening the way many many people stay alive. But that’s not the fault of the tool, and more than it’s the fault of the automated loom for putting a lot of weavers out of work. It’s the fault of the system for using that tool exclusively for profit instead of for the betterment of the people. It’s something that needs to be addressed either way.

That’s my thoughts, and I would appreciate any criticisms you might have for them. I may or may not be able to respond, I have a lot of work soon, but I’ll still read any responses regardless.

(*I think it’s this video. It is from this creator, and I do wholesale recommend the whole channel, and I didn’t have time to sift through the videos to confirm where. This sort of addresses the thought of ‘what’s the difference between human and AI learning and influence’. I watched this video barely two weeks ago, and I am already struggling to differentiate between my thoughts and theirs, which was also a quote from someone else in the first place. The vast majority of my thoughts are sourced from somewhere else, but I have no hope of remembering them all. And as an artist, should I credit every piece of art I’ve studied for tips, every art tutorial I’ve watched, every story I’ve read, for how they’ve influenced my work? It’s nice, of course, when you can identify strong parts of your art that came from someone specific, but it’s impossible to actually source every piece of inspiration you have.)

so a huge list of artists that was used to train midjourney’s model got leaked and i’m on it

literally there is no reason to support AI generators, they can’t ethically exist. my art has been used to train every single major one without consent lmfao 🤪

link to the archive

[lightpeak]

It Isn't Hopeless - Script

Two months ago I made a video called Is It Hopeless. It was my second video essay on this channel. I made it because I was scared. I had this dream - I’ve had it for a while - to make YouTube videos. To make content that made people smile. Or any feeling, really. Just to feel something they might consider good. Or of value.

But it’s scary, to put yourself out there. Especially when I have little care for anonymity, or being vague with how I’m feeling or who I am as a person. Because when I click post, I’m giving you the most fragile parts of me, hoping you won’t break them.

I was also afraid of myself. I was afraid of what I’d do with these fragile parts of me. If I’d see my content as worth it. If I’d have the motivation to keep the IV running, pumping content from the heart on my sleeve.

To answer my previous question, it isn’t hopeless.

Even though it’s taken some time for any of my videos to do marginally well, compared to others, it happened. Last week’s video, as of my time of writing this, has gotten almost 350 views. Which is more than any of my other normal videos. It has 7 comments, all of which are unbelievably nice. It has 20 likes, and I just can’t believe that something I made has made even 20 people happy.

Speaking of creating things to make people happy, I’d like to tell you about a show I’ve been keeping my eye on. Dragon Ball Arta is an original fan manga turned podcast that just released its fourth episode. The storytelling is phenomenal, the voice talent is very solid, and the sound effects are very engaging! If you want a refreshing take on dragon ball and fan content as a whole, look no further than DB Arta! Link in the description

Another thing fueling my hopefulness, is the fact that the ceiling has been raised. I think YouTube may see that people do like my content, and then may recommend it to more and more people. And I think this is something that can very well turn into a positive feedback loop. Eventually, every new video may get more views than the last.

Or maybe not. I’m not sure. That’s where the hope comes in. Because I don’t know any of these things. I can’t see the future. I can only make an educated guess, and hope that I’m not too far off.

Will there be bumps in the road? Sure. Will things not always go my way, or continuously grow? Almost definitely. But I know it’s possible, and I just watched myself take my first steps. Maybe someday I’ll learn to run.

[antagonistchan]

really long post sorry lol but i have so many thoughts about this that i so desperately need to get out

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately: Cheating in Transformers.

For some backstory; I’ve vaguely known about Transformers as long as I can remember (I had a bunch of Armada minicons as a little kid, and my Dad liked G1 when he was a kid and told me about it a couple times (and eventually I inherited his old toys)). And then I really got into Transformers myself in 2006 when I was 8 years old, when I started watching Transformers: Cybertron (which was already over halfway done at that point, oops, but still). And then I got REALLY into Transformers myself in 2008, when I truly discovered the Transformers fandom (I discovered tfwiki, and I discovered a couple Transformers youtubers who I actually still follow today, and I realized that I wanted to start collecting Transformers...); ever since then, I’ve been a hardcore Transformers fan. Transformers has consistently been at least one of my biggest fandoms this whole time. And most of the time it’s my absolute biggest, I’ve just had a couple phases here and there of thinking “maybe I care about this other thing just as much as if not more than Transformers” (most notably during my Vocaloid phase from 2015-2018). My favorite video game of all time is the Mass Effect trilogy, and a couple weeks ago I was thinking “there’s probably nothing that could ever top Mass Effect as my all-time favorite game” and then a week later I realized “Actually, no, there’s one thing that could potentially push Mass Effect aside, and that would be my dream Transformers game”.

So, I'm currently 23, I got into Transformers when I was 8, and I’ve been a hardcore fan since I was ten. More than half of my life. Way more than half of my conscious life since the first few years don’t really count.

So, with that context in mind, returning to the point of this post: Cheating.

I don’t like it when Transformers cheat. The robot mode and the altmode are extremely important to me, but ultimately, the most important part of a Transformer is the transformation between the two itself. And when it’s cheating, I feel a little... well, cheated.

Point 1: Bayverse. When I first saw the Bayverse designs, I was immediately put off because I knew that those designs couldn’t translate into toys without cheating. The only toys that even remotely approach movie-accurate transformations are Masterpieces and old Leader-class toys, and even then it’s not fully there. So like, the Bayverse designs feel like they’re missing the point of Transformers. And remember, I was a kid back then. I’m not saying I was a super mature kid or anything; rather, I was put off because of my childlike priorities. I wanted a toy that didn’t lie to me.

The Bumblebee-style designs are a step in the right direction; the characters are all actually recognizable as themselves now. But the whole design philosophy is still wildly out of scale with what’s actually possible in a toy. And god, as I get older, the more and more I do actually understand the appeal of the Bayverse design philosophy. It is a really cool and creative and interesting design philosophy. But it’s a good design philosophy for a movie, NOT for a toy. So even though I actually appreciate the Bayverse style now, it still stings that it doesn’t really understand toys, and the only Bayverse-style toys I’d ever be willing to buy are the insanely expensive ones.

(Also, it’ll always sting at least re: non-Bumblebee designs that the most high-profile part of the brand for so long was one of the least representative, and was so radically different from everything else. To a lot of people, Bayverse is Transformers. If those people are hardcore fans... I don’t mind too much that Bayverse defined Transformers for them. I can’t fully relate, but I do relate a little (these movies have been around and huge for more than half of my life, I definitely have some nostalgia for them), and they clearly have a lot of love for it and that largely placates me. But the fact that Bayverse also defined Transformers to a lot of casual consumers- THAT makes me wildly uncomfortable)

I had a similar initial reaction to Animated’s designs, but then Animated’s designs actually won me over because the designers used some sort of blood magic to make the toys actually work. The toys actually transform the way they do in the show! Incredible! And even at reasonable prices, and looking good in both modes (at worst, there’s some minor kibble and visible robot bits)! They actually did understand the point of Transformers, and I feel ashamed for having ever doubted them! Animated is actually one of the highest points of Transformers, both in media and in the toys! God, I love Animated!

Point 2: Speaking of Animated, we gotta talk about Wreck-Gar.

And by “We gotta talk about Wreck-Gar”, I mean “Wreck-Gar is actually perfectly fine and everyone’s way too harsh on him”. Animated Wreck-Gar is one of the most infamous backpack-formers, and backpack-forming is one of the most infamous methods of cheating.... but honestly, with Wreck-Gar, it doesn’t feel like cheating at all.

Yeah, he’s got most of a dump truck hanging off his back... but it feels like that’s the point. A dump truck is already just a cargo delivery system, so with Wreck-Gar, it just feels like the robot is still just a cargo delivery system. He doesn’t have a backpack because he’s poorly-designed, he has a backpack because he has a backpack.

That’s not to say the backpack-forming doesn’t have any issues. It does still create two problems- that is, it restricts his waist articulation and gives him balance issues. Those are both unfortunate. But it’s not cheating.

Kibble doesn’t feel like cheating if it feels like it’s supposed to be there.

Point 3: Fake kibble.

CHUG toys like to cheat a lot, especially lately.

For instance, PotP Punch/Counterpunch. Counterpunch’s chest is not the actual windows; the real windows are in his feet and slot over Counterpunch’s chest.

This is... kinda clever. It’s still cheating, but the fake thing is just hidden inside the real one, so everything’s kinda in the same place.

But again, it is still cheating, and I feel like cheating misses the point for me.

In this case, they’re clearly cheating because it makes the two modes look better. And they’re right. If the altmode used Counterpunch’s real chest, it’d be too small; and if Counterpunch used the altmode’s real windows, it’d be too big. I get it. But I just don’t think that’s worth the cheating.

But much like actual kibble, sometimes fake kibble doesn’t feel like cheating.

Optimus Prime has had many many toys with fake cheating over the years, because they’ve experimented with so many ways for him to transform but like to keep his design mostly intact (hell, that’s part of why they’ve experimented so much- Floro Dery’s take on his design is really hard to replicate in a toy). And they have varying levels of “does this feel like cheating”.

Classics Voyager Optimus Prime is cool, but his fake kibble is absolutely cheating.

Powermaster Prime doesn’t feel like cheating at all to me. Part of that is because in the Masterforce anime (which I saw before I’d even seen the toy), they don’t hide how he actually transforms in the slightest. They show him transforming, and he transforms like the toy. There, it feels like they just wanted him to transform different, but wanted to keep the iconic details, rather than making him transform different for the sake of the iconic details.

Earthrise Optimus Prime’s fake kibble is mostly cheating, but the way it cheats is actually so interesting that, if I force myself to think of it the way I think of Powermaster Prime- pretend that it admits it transforms funny- I can actually accept it as somewhat not cheating.

But there’s one Optimus Prime that doesn’t use fake kibble at all and still ends up with a Floro Dery-accurate robot mode. I really love the way this Optimus Prime transforms.

It just fucking sucks that this Optimus Prime’s vehicle mode is so bad that even I- who prioritizes the transformation above the vehicle mode- am willing to say “Wow, this toy is garbage”.

I’m speaking of Classics Deluxe Optimus Prime. The robot mode isn’t as good as Earthrise’s, but it was good at the time, and god, that transformation is absolutely beautiful. But jesus, that vehicle mode is ugly as shit. I really wish they’d give Classics Deluxe’s general design another go, have an Optimus that transforms just about the same way but doesn’t have the worst fucking vehicle mode of all time.

Point 4: Partsforming.

I don’t usually like partsforming. I have a hard time accepting Earthrise Cliffjumper even though it’s mostly very good because the partsforming is so much.

But sometimes- and I think you might be noticing a pattern after the kibble and fake kibble bits- partsforming doesn’t feel like cheating for me.

Partsforming typically feels right when it actually gets so egregious that it loops back around to being Really Good, Actually.

For instance, RiD01 Ultra Magnus. His entire vehicle mode basically splits in half, and one half becomes his legs while the other half becomes everything else. The fact that he has to split in half so dramatically and then recombine equally dramatically makes it feel like an inventive and unique transformation instead of a cheat.

[bigskycastle]

kinda personal ask but i was wondering (as an artist also posting their art on twt) how do you not have likes/rts amount to how you measure ur art? it gets kinda hard and ive been feeling self conscious about it lately so i was wondering if this is a normal thing or? either way i rlly respect you as an artist and i love the stuff you draw zelda or not!

thank you :-) it’s no worries, i’ll try and articulate this as best i can..

i think its incredibly easy to get pulled into thinking this way, and i do it way more often than i would like to :’)  like, objectively you know that likes/rt dont reflect the value of your art, but its still disheartening when you pull low numbers.. i think it’s because it feels almost as though your art was ignored or disregarded by people

but ultimately, social media is just... incredibly fickle n shallow lol. it will always favor content thats easy to digest/relate to. and thats fine! thats kind of what its built for. but it does make it very hard to get your foot in the door as an artist. esp if u don’t do much fanart :’) people don’t generally want to expend the energy it takes to engage with art, especially art thats more personal, or just like... “weird”. that's not even getting into the whole issue of being stuck in obscurity until someone with a larger following decides to share your stuff lol

all this to say.. like.. of course likes/rt dont reflect quality. if they're anything, they're more like.. like how views on a youtube video functions, i guess? if a video has more views, that generally means that: The Algorithm showed it to more people; that it has a flashy/intriguing thumbnail; and probably most importantly, that the content it advertises can appeal to a large demographic. its not a measure of its quality at all. i've watched super high quality niche documentaries and video essays etc., but because they have less mass appeal, they tend to sit below the 50k view threshold. its not a reflection of your value at all, its just a reflection of how well you can cater to what twitter as an..entity wants.

and i think i am pretty good at this! not cuz im such a phenomenal amazing artist, or cuz i try and pander or something, but because the way i draw and the things i enjoy drawing tend to line up pretty well with "what twitter wants”. in this sense im very lucky! i know many artists who genuinely ARE phenomenal and amazing but they might only draw, like, fanart of an obscure videogame from the early 2000s. doesnt make them less good, but you can see why they are less popular.

thats not to say that doing fanart will launch u into popularity or whatever tho. i mean, i posted fanart alongside OC on this blog since like 2016, and only in the past 1-2 years have i gotten much clout. i used to get super excited if any of my posts broke 20 notes. sometimes u just have to draw for yourself, improve your skills at your own pace and maybe hope someday people take notice of you i guess. but still, try to keep in mind that likes/rts dont really.. mean much. i think the thing they're most useful for is purely visibility, which can be useful in trying to get work.... SOMETIMES. (besides that, they're just good at making people irrationally distrust or hate you assuming youre some sort of.. i dont know.. rich industry pro and not a broke teenager lol)

(exhale) i hope this helps somehow lol it kind of turned into a rant about the things i dislike about posting art on socmed. if any other artists want to chip in and say something more coherent thatd be helpful LOL sorry anon. tldr: social media is fake and shallow, draw what makes you happy

[karliesbuzzcut]

(100) Million Dollar Lawsuit

Intro | part1 | part2 | part3 | part4

We are on the last chapter (for now) and this the most chaotic one. Mainly because it doesn’t follow any kind of chronological order (or logical sense), it’s just Russ going in circles for literal years.

But I’ll try my best to condense it for you, so all you need to do is to keep your seat belt fastened until the aircraft stops completely.

Right after the failed Ari lawsuit, Russ goes back to his one and only love: Taylor Swift 💫 And he has learned a lesson — not a good lesson, mind you, but a lesson: small claims courts won’t take him anywhere. If he really wants to punish women for not complimenting his suit, he will have to file a multi-million dollar federal lawsuit.

But, since denying sex from The Russell isn’t illegal (yet), he had to come at it from a different angle. I’m going to give Russ a chance to explain himself first.

Before you ask: yes, the following was Russell’s response to a woman thanking Taylor for visiting an 8 year-old girl who was very badly burned in an accident.

As I’ve always said, it’s okay if you aren’t fluent in Bullshit. That’s what I’m here for.

You see, Russell views human interactions as a series of transactions: I make a tweet worth liking, you go on a date with me; I take you to Olive Garden, you give me a handie for free; I put on a suit, you hug me and smile; I write you a song and sue you, you produce said song. Whenever women don’t fulfil their side of the deal, he becomes enraged.

But the reason he has such a strong hate-boner for Tay, is because she seemed to also follow his same ‘moral code’. A kid makes a cute video, she visits them at the hospital. A fan writes her a letter inviting her to their wedding, she goes to the wedding. A couple of kids fold 1989 paper cranes for Andrea, Taylor invites them to one of her concerts.

Russ thought “this is a done deal”. He didn’t write that song for Taylor because he particular liked her; he just thought she’d be the most likely artist to produce it — or at least acknowledge his existence.

I mentioned before that Russ wrote a whole-ass book about this. And I think it’s as good a time as any to talk about it. For a short amount of time, Russell chilled out about the ✨100 million dollar lawsuit ✨ but my guess is that he thought his book would get him the same results as a lawsuit? To be fair, the book is fantastic. 5/5, would recommend. 

He details the harassment he went through after suing Taylor Swift (the first time). Apparently old ladies at coffee shops would scream at him because he dared to sue Our Queen. A Mexican even pointed a gun at him (it wasn’t me, guys! Just a fellow countryman ❤️) and ordered Russ to drop the lawsuit. Computers at his job caught on literal fire because he was sent very powerful viruses. His friend Ken — who definitely exists! — was hit with a Molotov cocktail. Yep. 2016 was definitely the year people were willing to murder for Taylor Swift.

There’s also this brilliant dream sequence that involves an owl with the voice of Morgan Freeman, and Taylor’s agents guarding a tower in which she’s being held captive. 

ALSO ALSO: an entire chapter is called “SHE CHOSE HIM OVER ME”. Taylor Swift chose Joe Alwyn — a man she actually knows — over a man she’s not even aware exists. Women, amiright?

I think Russell would enjoy the Kaylor community to a certain extent. Not the lesbian part, obviously: he doesn’t trust women who don’t want to touch his peen. I just mean the baseless hatred of Joe. Look, I made a little collage of his rants ❤️ tell me if any of this sounds familiar!

You know — I’ve been joking around a lot about Russell just wanting to do the nasty with Taylor. But you know me, I like joking around. In reality Russ only wants what is fair. He wants to put a stop to all these senseless acts of kindness perpetrated by Taylor ‘The Generous’ Swift.

This isn’t about him at all, actually. Shame on you for thinking there’s an ounce of greed in that selfless little body of his. HE’S DOING THIS TO PROTECT THE KIDS WITH CANCER!

There are no ulterior motives here! This isn’t about a date!

THIS IS NOT ABOUT A DATE AT ALL GUYS STOP SAYING THAT.

I think this is my favourite post of his, because– grammatically speaking –he doesn’t specify which of them is wearing the red dress. And that sends me every goddamn time.

Anyway. The book, as magnificent as it was, got him absolutely nowhere. I know, I can’t believe it either. So he went back to focus on his lawsuit. But apparently not enough, because he didn’t serve her properly..? Now, don’t expect me to understand this, because I am very stupid (so it’s quite a good thing that I haven’t sued anybody for millions of dollars) but something about him sending the lawsuit to her old legal team..? And then trying to force UPS to serve her? I think he even said he was going to serve her in the middle of one of her concerts... but I’m guessing that didn’t go as planned 🤷‍♀️ oops.

Of course, Russie wouldn’t allow such an anticlimactic ending. Can you guess what he did? Please tell me that you can guess what he did. HE MADE ANOTHER SONG 😭❤️

This one is called ‘I Don’t Get You, Taylor Swift’. Another masterpiece that we definitely didn’t deserve 🙌

This was around April, 2019. By then I was being lured away by Kaylors, so I broke it off with Russ. I know that he filed a 3rd lawsuit against Taylor last year, which is just like the second one but hopefully this time he’ll be able to serve. And listen— I know that sounds like an awful thing to wish on Taylor, but I’d rather have Russell occupied suing a rich woman (who isn’t even going to deal with him), than a poor sex worker in Nevada. I bet TayTay would prefer that too.

Well guys, I’ve mentioned this a few times already, but I really had to be selective with the amount of information I was going to throw at you. I’ve avoided some of the shittier stuff he said or did, because I wanted to keep these posts as lighthearted as possible. I also didn’t touch on many things because they would just derail us. Like for example: one of the few lawsuits he has filed against someone who isn’t a woman, was against the state of Utah. I know, right? He’s trying to singlehandedly legalise prostitution in Utah, and even wrote a book (more like a pamphlet) brilliantly titled ‘Why I'm Making It Legal for Your 18 Year Old Daughter to Get In Bed with a Complete Stranger for Only 500 Bucks: A Short Essay from a Pro Se Litigant who is Challenging the Utah Brothel Bans’.

I copy-pasted that title guys, I swear to god.

The book is very graphic. This one I certainly do not recommend as I still suffer nightmares because of it.

Soren is a character who also had to be cut out — which is a shame because he really tried to be a good christian and help Russell. Not as in “I support you, Russell” but as in “why don’t you take a nap, Russell”. Turns out, even cinnamon rolls have a limit. Russ, of course, blames Taylor Swift for the fact that he’s losing his friends. I’m not joking — it’s an article in his lawsuit:

Greer has lost family relationships, friend connections and business connections because of the trauma of Taylor Swift. His family tells him to "get over it," resulting in shouting matches and strained relationships. Greer's friends get annoyed by his focusing on the trauma of it, when nobody knows the pain of getting rejected by a public figure — twice — and the fallout that has resulted from it.

Russell embodies that comic/meme of the little guy who puts a stick in his bicycle’s wheels and then blames Taylor Swift when he inevitably falls.

Sooooo...

Maybe someday I’ll write a post about Russ’ latest antics. I know he still posts stupid stuff on Facebook, which he later deletes. He shined especially bright at the peak of the BLM movement. He also plead guilty to electronic communications harassment— did you see that conviction coming? Yes, yes you did 😌

Regarding Taylor, I read that Russ knew someone who knew Todrick Hall — and Russ sent him a song and video for Taylor. All he got back was a Cease and Desist letter. But I’d have to do a bit of digging to get the details. I was already so overwhelmed with organising the information I was previously aware of, that I decided to leave the newer stuff for another time. You know, once I’ve had some time to inform myself... as well as a really long shower.

Since I left so much shit out, I’ll be taking questions if you have any. And if you can muster the courage to ask them. I’m weirdly proud of being some kind of Russell encyclopaedia. I might not have much going for me...

There’s no ‘but’ — that was the complete statement.

Before I go, I wanted to add this screenshot. I absolutely love it because it summarises ✨The Russell Experience✨. Russ wants Taylor to know pain, poverty and punishment. But when asked “why?” his answer is just “oh, I was ignored lol”

*none of the screenshots are mine

[atelophobicity]

Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do If You Want to Finish Your Thesis On Time

It’s my entry for September! I’ve been busy in consuming new music, films, and kvariety episodes in my effort to catch up on everything. So, I decided to post monthly to fulfill my oversharing Tumblr needs and to exercise my skills in writing in English and putting thoughts into coherent words.

TL;DR of this: things I’ve done instead of doing my thesis for the past year and a half. I’m not romanticizing my not doing thesis self for the past 21 months, but I’m also not dissuading you from doing other stuff besides thesis because god knows, you will need something.

1. Got a part-time job. This was the first new thing I’ve done that really took my time and effectively gave me no time to do thesis. And yet, this was the most rewarding thing as I learned how to get my TIN, accomplish my deliverables, answer to my superiors etc. Looking back, I wasn’t the best employee and I deserved no job offers on the same company after. But still, it was a stepping stone in the right direction. Adulting-wise, anyway.

2.  Discover the art of creating.

Journal spreads. I bought a 2019 planner and I couldn’t fill it up, so I decided to turn it into a journal-planner. The art materials I used for to design pages are from old supplies bought back when I was in high school or stickers from the fandom-related events I attended. I didn’t spend money and I was given a chance to be creative.

Sew doll clothes. In K-pop, dolls that look like your idol exists. It usually comes with one set of clothes to dress it. As a “doll mother”, I wanted to dress them with new clothes but buying clothes was expensive. So, I just sewed clothes for them. I made clothes from scrap fabrics or clothes no one wears in our household. I’ve been barely successful, but it’s one of the things that keep me happy and make me feel like I’ve succeeded in one measly part of my life.

3. Purged my online files.

From my high school files. Nostalgia has been one of my coping mechanisms. I was able to be provided by lots of it when I discovered that I didn’t lose my high school files and it was on my mom’s laptop all along. Being able to relive memories while organizing my files was the best hours of that day.

To my external hard drives. Since 2016, I have been a hoarder of online files for so long that I have two EHDs to prove it. This time though, I was able to delete content that was either repetitive or uninteresting anymore. I was able to shave off some of my data bytes and am now able to save new interesting content available online (if I ever find one).

4. Realigned my priorities and consumption of K-pop as a stan and as a person by:

Selling 3/4 of my merch. Unlearning the pride that comes with owning K-pop merch was difficult, but overtime, I have been proud of myself for not falling to the traps of capitalism—at least in K-pop. Also! I was able to buy my own concert tickets with the stuff I sold so it is a win!

Joining giveaways instead. No matter how I can avoid the urge to buy K-pop merch, I still can’t help but want to own them. This is where I discovered how joining giveaways was my next best option. It takes a lot of effort and screenshots to win these things. However, if and when you win, it really feels like winning against the odds. You get free merch too!

Actually spent hours to vote and stream. In relation to the last point, since the main requirement in giveaways I’ve joined are voting/streaming proofs, I have been one of those people who collects points on voting apps or has a playlist of music videos that should be streamed. After collecting and/or streaming, I take screenshots, put watermarks there, and tags mutuals if needed. It’s relatively hard work but there’s a feeling of pride when your idol wins the poll or an MV reaches a certain amount of views and you know you participated in making that happen.

5. Rediscover Youtube. Channels like the vlogbrothers and their associates (Crash Course, Pemberley Digital among others), Buzzfeed’s shows (The Try Guys, Ladylike, Buzzfeed Unsolved) were a delight to watch after being out of the Youtube loop for so long. The platform also offered new niches of content and I allowed myself to be sucked in it. From Simply Nailogical to Ask A Mortician to amazing pop culture video essays like Lindsay Ellis and Jenny Nicholson, Youtube has all it for you! Learning something new every day is one of my favorite things and I get to do it with this website.

6. Rediscover my love of writing. (As if I’ve written anything for my thesis but here.)

Made drabbles. There is a weekly activity on my fandom where we write < 500 word drabbles on any pairings. I have been joining when I can, and through the support of the (small) community (back then), I gained confidence to write one. I’ve written at least four now and I’ve not done yet because I’ve been on a slump lately. But I’ll get back to it soon!

Short story. The same account that brought the drabble challenge created a festival where we write a pairing and write a short story with it. I decided to join the event! Not going to lie, my entry was shit, It was the first draft, it needed a lot of revisions and more constructive criticism and yet, I am still proud of it. It was the first creative fiction I wrote since 2019 and I did it in a day. And, I believe it has potential, so I’m going to review and revise the hell out of it someday.

7. Reclaim my college days.

Reconnected with orgmates. Visiting Elbi for registration and consultation purposes are brightened up by the fact that I get to do this. My first four years of college were not kind to me. I’ve forgotten a lot of things because of trauma and deep sadness that I still have until this day, and when I remember good things, they’re few and far in between. The numbered days I was in Elbi during 2019 were also few and far in between, but they were infinitely better than my academic years from 2015 to 2017. I was able to do the things I wasn’t able to do before (mostly attending Happy Ts and eating in newly-opened food places there) and I get to do it with people I love.

Made friends. One of the drawbacks of being a slot-driven student with no care of my coursemates’ schedules: I didn’t get to establish a friend group. So I didn’t get to make friends. During this time, I’ve accepted that I didn’t have any friends outside my organizations. But this time, instead of a feeling of dread of being that cliché orgmate, I feel relief and happiness because now, I realize that I do have friends from college, unlike the 2015-2017 who didn’t have anyone in college to rely on her darkest times.

8. Appreciated my friends more. For the past few years, I was the shitty friend. I agreed to go on hangouts only to message them that I’m backing out the last minute—sometimes I even straight up ghosted them. I really took my friends for granted. I have been slowly making it up to them by always attending when there’s an invite! I sometimes initiate the invite and it’s always a fun and healing time for me (it was a literal healing time for me as I was depressed during that time). I love them and I’m always thankful for them—and more so now than before.

 9. Unlearning things like:

Realizing that a priv (a private account meant to be seen by your mutuals you trust; usually contains unpopular opinions and hot takes on stan twitter) only encourages negative emotions and I must not do it again.

No matter how I tried rationalizing my hate for Jennie when the JenKai dating news happened, I was one of those K-pop stans who hated her because she dated my idol. (I have moved on past that and have started liking her and Rose.)

Knowing that attacking people for what they say won’t make them unlearn their wrong opinions. Not talking down at them and educating with patience is the key, always.

There are still so much more I unlearned and learned where those came from. My main takeaway is: it’s complicated.  Sometimes our opinion needs a more nuanced perspective and sometimes it needs to scrapped entirely because it was just wrong. But it is essential so we, as people, won’t be stuck with outdated views of the world.

10.   Learning something new like:

Practicing how to do Tzuyu’s helicopter hands until I realized it wasn’t meant for me.

Utilizing Omegle to look for potential quaranflings.

Installing Telegram and uninstalling to ghost quaranflings.

How to do laundry in compliance with my mother’s preferences.

Doing two things at once.

Enough patience to take time and read the laws our government makes every day to know what I’m fighting against.

Optimizing my Twitter lists and now I can keep up with current affairs (that takes a toll on my mental health) then scroll through a fic fest-centric list the next (that helps me forget the stress from reading news).

Learning something new every day has become one of my life goals. Knowing that the world always has something new to offer to me, a speck in this universe, warms me up and keeps me going. And you’ll never know where the new tidbits will lead you. Maybe it’ll help you reconnect with something you’ve known before, maybe it’ll change how you see things, or maybe it’s something new that once explored, it will contribute something new to the community. It may seem small and unimportant but with a tweak in perspective, it might be something worth doing and pursuing.

Looking back at my list, I can finally see how if I didn’t do all these things, I would have probably finished my thesis by now and probably working a full-time job, able to provide the financial needs for my family. There will always be regret that I am still not done until now. But stressing over my current predicament in this time when the world is in its most stressful state yet won’t help me. So, we soldier on and hopefully, hopefully get back to the thesis I’ve been meaning to do.

 Let’s get it.

[seven-oomen]

First, I hope you’re enjoying your game.  One of my friends posted about how she’d just gotten her copy of it, and her husband’s response was basically “so, I’ll just bring you food occasionally and see you in a few days?"  Also, I hope you’re feeling better.  And man you are KILLING ME with these previews.  Oh god, Peter, what are you planning now?  How bad is this gonna hurt and for how long?  (Don’t answer that, I’m afraid to know. XD )

I think all those Hogwarts Houses are excellent choices.  I always think it’s fun to see how people sort various characters, because I rarely have any that I feel are firmly one House (maybe it’s because I’m a proud HuffleClaw, myself, doomed to waffle between Houses every time I take a quiz or read an analysis on the subject.)  Side not - can you imagine the furor that would have occurred about a Slytherin and a Gryffindor hooking up in Fourth Year (I think?), and then pulling an innocent little Hufflepuff transfer under their spell?  Would any of them have played Quidditch?  (Peter I feel definitely played, though I can’t decide what position.  Undecided on the other two.)

Poor Peter, having to behave himself.  Although debatably as long as he kept the fangs put away it wouldn’t necessarily be a risk, though I can see him being worried anyway.  That’s why he needs to find someone to spin his fur into yarn he can then make them scarves/gloves/sweaters/etc with.  And why he’s so into the clothes sharing.  Anything to get his scent on them as thoroughly as possible.

And I am so here for PTA Dad Peter.  Helping out at school functions so he can keep an eye on the younger kids.  Building new, supportive relationships with his older kids, helping them with college applications and essays, making up lists of stuff they’ll need for dorm rooms, finding apartments if any are going to the same or nearby schools and can share, making sure they all have pictures and mementos to help combat homesickness.  And now I’m thinking about the memory quilt again.  Goddammit I don’t want to make myself cry.  Again.  "Imagine Peter hearing their heartbeats for the first time."  Oh nevermind, I see you’ll do it for me.  Ugh, my feels.  Peter shifting to his wolf form and curling protectively around them all the time, head pressed up to their abdomen so that he can listen and scent at maximum effectiveness.  Them just gently stroking through his fur until one or both fall asleep.  (Also, how quickly do the other wolves in the family pick up on the changes in scent?  How do they react?  How do the older kids react to the idea of more siblings in general?)

And you know that whichever one wasn’t the one pregnant at the time would be super protective at the time, then turn around and insist they were fine and that the others were worrying unnecessarily when they were the one pregnant.  (Also, glad your brother was okay!)  I also like that it apparently took them nearly 20 years to learn about planning for this sort of thing.  I know you’ve mentioned Peter and Chris being the ones that do the stupid thing next chapter (or something to that effect), but really I feel the biggest moment of "what the hell, guys?” is Noah getting knocked up just two months after Chris.  It’s like, you guys had a huge, in your face, live example of why protection is important, and yet…  I’m also just going to assume that they have at least a king size bed to accommodate that many people, even if many of them are tiny people, and none of them mind piling.  That’s still a lot of bodies cramming into one bed.  (That much room would also come in very handy for…other reasons, which is why I feel certain Peter would insist upon it.) 

Also, omg, I was not expecting to be attacked by those pictures like that.  Tag your porn, dude XD .  But really, can you imagine the poor, unsuspecting college friends their kids bring home for visits getting a triple barrel of that with no warning?  Like they’ve just seen the goofy, weird pics that they have on their phone/on their walls.  They were not prepared for the sheer DILF power of that household live and in person.  But then, is anyone, really?

Loving all the names.  I actually know a guy named John who has a son named Jackson, so that one was particularly amusing to me.  I also noticed that none of the kids have been named after anyone in Noah’s family, at least so far.  And don’t worry, I wasn’t expecting to have those spoiled yet, though I’m happy to know you liked some of my suggestions :D .  Now if I could just remember which all ones I went with…  Didn’t really think to put it in anywhere, but for some reason I’ve always liked Alexander as a middle name for Peter, though I remain undecided on the other two.

And yes, loving the idea of more family cosplay.  Oh god, they would never get ANYWHERE at a con because they’d be getting stopped every 3 feet for pictures.  For Star Trek, I feel like they’d do groupings from assorted series and versions.  Chris, Peter, and Noah are totally OS Spock, Kirk, and Bones (Peter with strategically torn shirt, of course).  I think Melissa would be their Uhura, and Natalie would be Yeoman Rand (she wants to see if she can fake the hairstyle), because I dare anyone to tell them they can’t pull off dresses that short.  Since he has sword training from his hunter background, Melissa makes Julio be their Sulu.  Boyd, Derek, and Jordan would be Picard, Riker, and Data (Derek would totally figure out how to do that weird way Riker sits down, too.)  After much debate, I feel Stiles would be Kirk from the recent films (NuTrek, or whatever they call it), Jackson would be Spock, and Malia would be Bones.  I think Lydia would make an excellent Uhura for them, as well.  Scott would be Scotty because he can remember to answer to it, and it gives him an excuse to do a TERRIBLE fake accent.  I’m leaning towards Isaac for their Chekov, but beyond that can’t think what to do with everybody else, I’m not familiar enough with the different tv shows.

Marvel we’ve talked about some.  DC I have a few random ideas.  I always thought it would be funny to see Peter, Derek, Jackson, and Liam do the assorted Robins.  While I feel Peter is DEFINITELY more of a Jason personality wise, I think he’d be far more comfortable in Dick’s costume that Derek would be, and if Derek was Jason the heights would line up better.  Jackson would be Tim, and Liam would be Damian (because who else would play DC’s tiny and angry than TW’s tiny and angry?)  Also, don’t overlook the fun and variety of villains DC offers.  The last group costume I did was a cross between Bill & Ted and assorted Bat-villains.  We called it Bruce & Dick’s Excellent Adventure, and even photoshopped a sign to carry to help people get it.  Among our line-up was Cleo-Catra, Ivybeth the First, The Poison Queen, Harley Antoinette, Joker Napoleon, Freud Nygma, and Bane-thoven.  (I really need to do something with the various pieces of my costume someday.)  I know there are several girls in the Bat-fam now, too, depending on who all wants to be a part of it, or if they want to skew more Justice League/Teen Titans/Young Justice.

Oh man, Disney.  So many options.  I feel like Lydia and Allison as Ariel and Prince Eric is a given.  I also like the idea of Kira and Malia as Belle and the Beast, partially because of Malia’s issues about having to hide her nature, and also because I think she could absolutely rock that suit.  Ben could join them as Chip.  (Stiles would actually make an excellent Belle, but I feel that might just get weird.)  I can see Danny helping Erica rig up a Sleeping Beauty dress with strands of LEDs that keep shifting from pink to blue to green so the dress keeps appearing to change color (it’s a massive hit.)  I don’t know why, but I really want Stiles and Jackson as Elsa and Anna for some reason.  Scott can join them as either Kristoff or Olaf, depending on the mood he’s in.  Can’t quite decide for the other pack kids.  Since the theme is nominally just fairy tales, I think the dads could just opt for a classier, fancier version of their Red Riding Hood looks.  Maybe go for a steampunk edge or something (I would have included links here, but Google was not my friend today and I couldn’t find quite what I wanted.)  Rich velvets and wools in vivid scarlet and forest-y greens, black and deep brown leather and suede, lots of polished buttons and buckles, loose cotton shirts unlaced at the throat.  Mmm, yes.  And Peter could have one of those super fancy Victorian type nightgowns with the long sleeves and high necks made out of super soft and fine materials.  Instead of getting some kind of mask to wear, he’d just do his partial/beta/whatever you want to call it shift and let them add extra fur on with makeup to blend it in.  Everyone just thinks it’s amazing effects work.  He does opt for some cute wolf paw slippers since cons tend to get snotty about people going around barefoot.  (Applying and removing the fur is also how they learn his ears are particularly…sensitive…to a delicate touch in that form.)  

Lord of the Rings.  Yes.  Like, I can’t figure out who or any real details right now but.  Just.  Yes.

I feel like some years they enter the costume contest and some they don’t, just depending on their moods.  (They totally take the Jurassic Park group to a con and people adore it.  It makes for great skits.)

Random bonus thought for the day concerns dancing.  I was thinking about the whole drag queen thing, and whether Jungle was around in the 90s, and it sort of segued into what types of dancers they are.  I feel like Peter is a very good dancer.  Not quite competition level, maybe, but very skilled, nonetheless.  Like Malia, he’s just very comfortable in himself, in all forms, which helps with spatial and bodily awareness, in addition to his natural grace and balance.  I also feel he’s the most likely to have taken, like, ballroom lessons or similar as a kid, maybe at a parent or grandparent’s insistence.  With Noah I keep thinking about the various videos I’ve seen of Dylan dancing both outside of TW and as Stiles, and I feel his dad would have a very similar style of awkward disaster from the chest up, undulations worthy of a harem girl from the waist down (those Stilinski boys tend to leave a lot of confused boners in their wake.)  In Noah’s case, settling into his frame after that last growth spurt and learning self-defense/martial arts helped smooth most of the awkward out, but it resurfaces every so often.  Chris I think would be the least likely to dance, just because I feel his background would make him very self-conscious about it, whether he wants to feel that way or not.  He’ll dance if it’s just the three of them or just family, or for a slow dance, but that’s normally it.  However, if he’s drunk enough, or if Noah or Peter have dragged him into a dark corner to makeout for a while and gotten him all distracted and relaxed, he can be pursued out onto the floor to show off some actually pretty sweet moves once he lets go.

Anyway, gonna try and wrap this up, because I just realized it’s way later than I realized, and I should try and get some sleep at some point.  Enjoy your game, I hope it’s epic!

When this little paragraph made me realize I had a gaping plot hole in this chapter and I got to go back to fix it. My god my friend, you are a lifesaver!

I also like that it apparently took them nearly 20 years to learn about planning for this sort of thing.  I know you’ve mentioned Peter and Chris being the ones that do the stupid thing next chapter (or something to that effect), but really I feel the biggest moment of "what the hell, guys?” is Noah getting knocked up just two months after Chris.  It’s like, you guys had a huge, in your face, live example of why protection is important, and yet…

Because oh yeah I wanted to make it canon that wolves can detect a heartbeat of the embryo at 4-5 weeks. Which is about a week after the heart starts beating. And oh yeah, Chris is two months along by the time Noah gets pregnant... shit. I wrote something else in that flashback.

And now I got to fix that, so cheers!

I also finished writing my chapter today! Yay! All glorious 13K of it. And I’ll be editing and posting tomorrow (or technically later today as it is past midnight.) Oh, I’m so excited, I’m so excited to see what you think!

As for the game, my god it is awesome!!! I played a few hours today but my heart raced so much I had to pause after two hours because I was getting dizzy because of my heart. But it’s a great game so far, very accessible and it just draws me in completely. It’s so good.

Definitely what I needed after my day at work.

hehehe I’m happy to see my previews and writing and getting emotions, it sounds so bad, but that makes me smile because it’s getting the desired response and that’s awesome. 

“Cue Lego Movie music”

can you imagine the furor that would have occurred about a Slytherin and a Gryffindor hooking up in Fourth Year (I think?), and then pulling an innocent little Hufflepuff transfer under their spell?  Would any of them have played Quidditch?  (Peter I feel definitely played, though I can’t decide what position.  Undecided on the other two.)

I think Peter would’ve been a chaser or beater, somehow those seem to fit him well. Noah played but he was a keeper. (which would be funny if Peter was a chaser since they would get to battle lover’s disputes on the quidditch pitch) Chris I feel wouldn’t play quidditch, he’s too busy trying to keep track of his studies and really just likes to watch the sport but not participate. I think he’d be more into care of magical creatures and defends against the dark arts than any kind of sport. Though he does join and excel at the dueling club.

And the scandal of Peter and Noah dating from fourth year on would be massive, people can barely wrap their heads around it. But they’re happy and they’re just doing their own thing. And they don’t pay attention to anyone else but what they think and what Chris thinks of them.

Peter shifting to his wolf form and curling protectively around them all the time, head pressed up to their abdomen so that he can listen and scent at maximum effectiveness.  Them just gently stroking through his fur until one or both fall asleep.  (Also, how quickly do the other wolves in the family pick up on the changes in scent?  How do they react?  How do the older kids react to the idea of more siblings in general?)

<3 <3 it’s honestly an adorable image. The twins are very active when dad’s curled up around them, knowing just where to kick so Peter’s wakes up by a foot to the face. Though he doesn’t mind and just nudges back gently, letting out a low grumbling noise or whine that he knows the babies can hear in utero. As for how quickly, it depends on whether or not they smelled it before. Jackson, Ben, or Scott wouldn’t pick up on it. They weren’t wolves around pregnancies before. Malia and Derek catch on quickly though. They start noticing the scent change at around 5-6 weeks and hear the little heartbeats of the new family members.

Malia is moderately excited, she’s a little worried about her dad and how he will handle pregnancy at his age. (Although he’s like 35 when he gets pregnant, that counts as a geriatric pregnancy, dad... I’m worried.)

Stiles just flips between the two of extreme worry where he read up on pre-eclampsia and other pregnancy complications and birth complications and omg what if that happens. But he’s also so so excited because omg he’s finally gonna be an older brother!!

(He knows he’s Ben’s older brother, and he adores the tyke, but it’s different when you have a pregnancy close instead of a five-year-old sibling from one day to another.)

Jackson is pouty and a bit grumpy. He feels like he’s losing baby status in the family more and more and he doesn’t know how to deal. (Ben was a bit difficult to get used to for him but Chris handled it well by setting time aside for his baby Jackson. It helped. But now he’s a teen and there’s going to be two more babies and he’s- he doesn’t know how to feel. When Chris breaks the news he wants to have another baby he’s even more torn but he does come around, deciding that he will always be the baby of the family, even when he’s not.

It’s a good compromise. And the three parents set some time for each of their kids so everyone gets attention.

Allison handles it the best out of the teens, she’s very excited for all of them and immediately to volunteers helping with decorating the new nursery. She paints a few awesome looking murals of Winnie the Pooh or Bambi or some other cutesy Disney animals (Or maybe even a space/star wars or a fairy tale ala Fables theme?) and just goes all out. She also convinces Malia to quilt a blanket for the new baby and helps her knit a few cute hats. She’s just extremely excited and happy.

Ben is very happy too, he’s finally not the youngest anymore and he’s happy to be an older brother. He also finds it fascinating to learn how pregnancy works and how those babies got in there in the first place. They let him tell them how it works and explain some basic details, sperm, egg, you need both to have a baby and the baby grows in pops and papa’s belly. But they leave out any details that Ben doesn’t figure out or doesn’t ask about to keep it more age-appropriate for him. 

Though Ben’s smart and he figures out a lot on his own. Noah and Peter are honestly impressed by Ben’s deductive skills. They knew Jackson and Stiles had them, but they hadn’t expected Ben to show them too. He’s a quiet observer.

They were not prepared for the sheer DILF power of that household live and in person.  But then, is anyone, really?

Honestly, I don’t think anyone is. Nobody can resist the sheer DILF power.

Since the theme is nominally just fairy tales, I think the dads could just opt for a classier, fancier version of their Red Riding Hood looks.  Maybe go for a steampunk edge or something (I would have included links here, but Google was not my friend today and I couldn’t find quite what I wanted.)  Rich velvets and wools in vivid scarlet and forest-y greens, black and deep brown leather and suede, lots of polished buttons and buckles, loose cotton shirts unlaced at the throat.  Mmm, yes.  And Peter could have one of those super fancy Victorian type nightgowns with the long sleeves and high necks made out of super soft and fine materials.  Instead of getting some kind of mask to wear, he’d just do his partial/beta/whatever you want to call it shift and let them add extra fur on with makeup to blend it in.  Everyone just thinks it’s amazing effects work.  He does opt for some cute wolf paw slippers since cons tend to get snotty about people going around barefoot.  (Applying and removing the fur is also how they learn his ears are particularly…sensitive…to a delicate touch in that form.)  

I- this whole thing? yes. Headcanon accepted because it is that good. I can literally just see them going in steampunk hunter, red riding hood and the wolf. thank you for putting that image in my mind XD

I feel like Peter is a very good dancer.  Not quite competition level, maybe, but very skilled, nonetheless.  Like Malia, he’s just very comfortable in himself, in all forms, which helps with spatial and bodily awareness, in addition to his natural grace and balance.  I also feel he’s the most likely to have taken, like, ballroom lessons or similar as a kid, maybe at a parent or grandparent’s insistence.  With Noah I keep thinking about the various videos I’ve seen of Dylan dancing both outside of TW and as Stiles, and I feel his dad would have a very similar style of awkward disaster from the chest up, undulations worthy of a harem girl from the waist down (those Stilinski boys tend to leave a lot of confused boners in their wake.)  In Noah’s case, settling into his frame after that last growth spurt and learning self-defense/martial arts helped smooth most of the awkward out, but it resurfaces every so often.  Chris I think would be the least likely to dance, just because I feel his background would make him very self-conscious about it, whether he wants to feel that way or not.  He’ll dance if it’s just the three of them or just family, or for a slow dance, but that’s normally it.  However, if he’s drunk enough, or if Noah or Peter have dragged him into a dark corner to makeout for a while and gotten him all distracted and relaxed, he can be pursued out onto the floor to show off some actually pretty sweet moves once he lets go.

Malia definitely inherited Peter’s dancing skills, I like to think Jackson did as well. Those three are the best dancers in the family. They just move with natural ease. 

Allison is a decent dancer, her gymnastics training really helps but she’s not as fluent as her brother, sister, or dad.

I feel like Noah and Stiles have awkward flailing down to a T but every once in awhile there’s a hip movement worthy of a fucking professional dancer and it’s very confusing. But yeah, totally agree with that assessment of them.

Chris isn’t much of a dancer and neither is Ben. Both of them are very self-conscious. Chris gets better when he’s drunk because he let’s go of insecurity but even then it’s not great. He just doesn’t dance, it’s not his thing. Although he was a very good grinding and hip rotation move. He’s also pretty good at jump style once he lets himself go and just turns his mind off. but the rhythmic jumping just feels natural to him. He also likes to slow dance since he can just bury his face in Noah’s shoulder or nuzzle Peter’s cheek and just forget about everything else.

Also, I like to think they all love to sing. Chris’s voice is best suited for country I feel like. Noah’s more for singer-songwriter. And Peter just loves singing pop songs and he knows how to hit some high notes. 

And now I am going to bed because It’s almost three am XD And I need some sleeps. Thankfully I have the day off this sunday.

[innuendostudios]

New video essay! Internet reactionaries argue as though they have no core beliefs at all, and will just say anything to own the libs. So are they nihilists, or is there more going on?

You can ensure this series continues by backing me on Patreon.

Transcript below the cut.

Say, for the sake of argument, you’re online blogging about a Black journalist’s commentary on marketing trends in video games, movies, and comic books, and you’re saying how the vitriol in response to her fairly benign opinions reveals the deep-seated racism and misogyny in a number of fan communities, most especially those that lean right, when a right-leaning commenter pops in to say, “Or maybe they just actually disagree with her about marketing trends! For Christ’s sake, there’s no mystery here. People aren’t aren’t speaking in coded language. They are telling you what they believe. She had a bad opinion; why do you have to make it bigger than that? Why can’t you ever take people at their word?”

You pause and ponder for a moment. Mmm… Aw heck with it, you’re in a discoursing mood. Let’s do this.

“Mr. Conservative, in order for me to take you at your word, your words would have to show some consistency. Let me just lightning round a few questions about the reactionary web’s positions on marketing trends: Do you believe that having the option to romance same-sex characters in an RPG turns the game into queer propaganda, or do you believe that killing strippers in an action game can’t be sexist since no one’s making you do it? Do you believe that the pervasiveness of sexualized young women in pop culture is just there because it sells and that’s capitalism and we all need to deal with it, or do you believe that a franchise has an obligation to cater to its core audience even if diversifying beyond that audience is more profitable? Do you think words are inherently harmless and only oversensitive snowflakes would care about racialized language, or do you think it’s racist if someone calls you mayonnaise boy? As long as I’ve got your ear: Are you the Party that believes in the right to keep and bear arms because you’re distrustful of all authority and what if we need to overthrow the government someday, or do you believe that cops are civil servants and we should trust their account of events whenever they shoot a Black man for looking like he might have a gun?

“Does optional content reveal a game’s ideology, or doesn’t it? Is capitalism a defense for decisions you don’t agree with, or isn’t it? Is language harmful, or not? Do you hate authority, or love cops and the troops?

Alright, alright, ease off. Add some nuance.     “Now, I know the Right is not a monolith, and maybe these arguments are contradictory because they’re coming from different people. We’ll call them Engelbert and Charlemagne. Maybe Engelbert’s the one who thinks any institution funded by tax money is socialist and therefore bad and Charlemagne’s the one who says we should dump even more tax money into the military and thinking otherwise is un-American. But here’s the thing: Y’all have very fundamentally different beliefs, and you’re so passionate about them that you enter search terms into Twitter to find people you don’t even follow and aggressively disagree with them, and, yet, you’re always yelling at me and never yelling at each other. What’s that about?

“And I can’t say how often it happens, but I know, if I let Engelbert go on long enough, he sometimes makes a Charlemagne argument. And vice versa.

“And, I see you getting ready to say, ‘The Left does the same thing,’ but ba ba ba ba ba, don’t change the subject. That’s an extremely false equivalence, but, more importantly, it doesn’t answer my question. What do you actually believe, and why are you so capable of respecting disagreement between each other, yet so incapable of respecting me - or, for that matter, a Black woman?

“See, I don’t take you at your word because I cannot form a coherent worldview out of the things you say. So, forgive me if, when you tell me what you believe, I don’t think you’re being candid with me. It kinda seems like you’re playing games, and I’m the opposing team, and anyone who’s against me is your ally. And you’re not really taking a position, but claiming to believe in whatever would need to be true to score points against me, like we’re in that one episode of Seinfeld.” [Card Says Moops clip.]

(This is borrowed observation #1, link in the down-there part.)

Hoo, it feels good calling people hypocrites! Person says B when earlier they said A and you point out the contradiction! You don’t take a position on A or B, and you still “win”! I see why Republicans like this so much.

But that’s the kind of point-scoring we’re here to deconstruct, so let’s get analytical.

There’s a certain Beat-You-At-Your-Own-Gaminess to the Card Says Moops maneuver. “Safe spaces are bullshit, but, if you get one, I get one too.” “There’s no such thing as systemic oppression, but, if there were, I’d be oppressed.” It’s dismissing the rhetoric of social justice while also trying to use it against you. Claiming “the Card Says Moops” does not, so much, mean, “I believe the people who invaded Spain in the 8th Century were literally called The Moops,” but, rather, “You can’t prove I don’t believe it.” Not a statement of sincere belief, simply moving a piece across the board. All in the game, yo.

If they could be so nakedly honest with you and themselves to answer “what do you actually believe” truthfully, one suspects the answer would be, “What difference does it make? We’re right either way.”

This has come to be known as “postmodern conservatism,” a fact I find hilarious, because, in The Discourse, “postmodernism” is a dogwhistle for everything the Right hates about the Left. (...it also means “Jews.”) Postmodern conservatism is the thinking that, at least for the purpose of argument, the truth of who invaded Spain is immaterial. You have your facts, I have alternative facts. What is true? Who’s to say?

Regardless of what you actually believe - what you believe serving no rhetorical purpose - you are at least arguing from the position that material truth does not exist. Truth is a democracy. Whoever who wins the argument decides who invaded Spain.

It would be reductive to blame this pattern of thought on the internet, but its recent proliferation isn’t really extricable from the rise of chan culture (this is borrowed observation #2, link in the down there part). 4chan didn’t cause this thinking, but sites like 4chan reveal it in its most concentrated form.

The two most common properties of a chan board will be anonymity and lack of moderation, which means, among other things, that you can say whatever you want with no systemic or social repercussions. People may disagree with you, but it carries no weight. You won’t be banned, you won’t have your comments deleted, and, because there’s no way to know whether any two posts are made by the same person, you won’t even get a reputation as “the person with the bad opinion.”

The effect this has on the community is that there is no expectation, in any given moment, that the person on the other end of a conversation isn’t messing with you. You can’t know whether they mean what they say or are only arguing as though they mean what they say. And entire debates may just be a single person stirring the pot. Such a community will naturally attract people who enjoy argument for its own sake, and will naturally trend towards the most extreme version of any opinion.

In short, this is the Free Marketplace of Ideas. No code of ethics, no social mores, no accountability. A Darwinist petri dish where ideas roam free and only the strong ones survive. If the community agrees Bebop is better than Eva, well, then I guess Bebop is better than Eva, because there wasn’t any outside influence polluting the discourse. Granted, it could just be a lot of people thought it was funny to shit on Eva, but it’s what the community has decided, so it will at least be treated as truth.

This demands that one both be highly opinionated and to assume opinions are bullshit, to place a high premium on consensus and be intensely distrustful of groupthink.

A common means of straddling these lines is what I call the Stanislavski Opinion: the opinion you entertain so completely that you functionally believe it while you express it, no matter the possibility that you will express - and, to an extent, believe - an opposite opinion later. Most of us go through a phase in our youths where we’re online and like the idea of believing in something, but don’t know what to believe just yet, so we pick a position and find out if we believe it by defending it. We try on ideologies like sunglasses off a rack. Most of us will eventually settle on a belief system, and this will usually involve some apologies and some comments we wish we could scrub from the internet, but it’s an important stage of growing up.

But some percentage of people will seek out a space where there is no embarrassment, the comments scrub themselves, and never growing out of the Stanislavski Opinion is actively rewarded. There, figuring out what you believe would make your ability to argue less flexible, and, besides, if you believed anything unironically, much of the community would still assume you’re trolling. Where no one is bound by their word, what, really, is the difference between appearing to have an opinion and having one?

Sincerity is unprovable and open to interpretation. Decide someone is sincere if you want to make fun of them, decide they’re trolling if you want to make fun of someone else. What is true? What do you want to be true? It’s easy enough to start thinking of one’s own opinions the same way: What do I believe? What is it advantageous to believe? Your answer isn’t binding. You’ll change it later if you need to.

The person I’m describing, you spend time online, you’ll meet him a lot. His name is Schrodinger’s Douchebag (borrowed observation #3, link in the down there part): A guy who says offensive things & decides whether he was joking based on the reaction of people around him. Any website that lacks effective moderation and allows some level of anonymity will, to varying degrees, approximate 4chan, and be overrun with Schrodinger’s Douchebag.

When this type of person defends rape jokes by saying all humor is inherently punching down because there must be a butt to every joke, he hasn’t thought about it. He assumes it’s true, because he figures he’s a smart guy and whatever he assumes is probably right, but he’s unfazed if you prove otherwise; there’s no shortage of dodgy reasons he might be right and you wrong. He’ll just pick another one. What matters is that the game continues.

The thing is, Bob, it’s not that they’re lying, it’s that they just don’t care. I’ll say that again for the cheap seats: When they make these kinds of arguments, they legitimately do not care whether the words coming out of their mouths are true. It is a deeply held belief for precisely as long as it wins arguments.

So it’s kinda funny, right, how many of these folks self-identify as “rationalists?” I mean, typical rational thinking would say: If I am presented with the truth, I will believe it, and, once I believe it, I will defend it in argument. This? This is not that! This is a different idea of “rationality” that views it not as a practice but as an innate quality one either possesses or lacks, like being blond or left-handed: If I’m arguing it, I must believe it, because I’m a rational person, and, if I believe it, because I’m a rational person, it must be true. You speak assuming you’re right, and, should you take a new position, this telescopes out into a whole new set of beliefs with barely a thought. Stay focused on the argument, and you won’t even notice it’s happening.

You might now conclude the internet reactionary believes in nothing except winning arguments with liberals. And, like Newtonian physics, if you assume this framing, you will get highly useful results. If you enter conversation with Engelbert and Charlemagne believing they do not mean what they say, they are only entertaining notions, and, on a long enough timeline, they will eventually defend a position fundamentally incompatible with the one they defended earlier in the same argument, you will navigate that conversation much more effectively!

But, like Newtonian physics, this framing is lowercase-a accurate without being capital-T True.

In reality, nihilism isn’t that popular. People will tell you, “I don’t care about anything, I just like triggering the libs,” but why is it always libs? It is piss easy (and also hilarious) to upset conservatives, why only go after the SJWs? The easy answer is, well, if you upset a feminist, you might make her cry; if you upset a Nazi, he might stab you, and that has a cooling effect. But the more obvious answer is that they actually agree with the racist, MRA, and TERF talking points they repeat, but would rather not think about it.

So much of conservative rhetoric is about maintaining ignorance of one’s own beliefs. To uphold the institution of imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy while thinking you are none of those things. (Well, OK, knowing you’re a capitalist, but thinking it’s a good thing.) Most people have a baseline of fairly conventional, kindergarten morality, and conservatism often clashes with it. You can rationalize these contradictions - “I’m not a bigot, I just believe in states’ rights” - but, as American conservatism gets more radical, it gets harder to square one’s politics with what one assumes to be one’s beliefs. So you learn, when someone challenges you, to cycle through beliefs until something sticks, just play your hand and trust that you’re right, or, in extreme cases, insist you have no beliefs at all, you’re just here to watch the world burn.

But they’re not. They are willing participants in the burning of only certain parts. They don’t care what they believe, but they know what they hate, and they don’t want to think about why they hate it. On paper, they believe in freedom of religion and freedom of expression, but they also hang out in communities where Muslims and trans women are punching bags. And, like a sixth grader who believes one thing in Sunday school and another thing in biology class, they believe different things at different times.

This thinking is fertile ground for Far Right recruitment. I’d say the jury is out on whether chan boards attract Far Right extremists or are built to attract Far Right extremists, but they’re where extremists congregate and organize because they’re where extremists are tolerated, and where they blend in with the locals. They learn the lingua franca of performative irony: Say what you mean in such a way that people who disagree think you’re kidding and people who agree think you’re serious. People who don’t know what they believe but clearly have some fascist leanings don’t need to be convinced of Nazi rhetoric, they just need to be submerged in it and encouraged to hate liberals. They’ll make their way Right on their own. Folks start using extremist rhetoric because it wins arguments with SJWs - usually because that’s the moment SJWs decide it’s not fruitful and possibly unsafe talking to you - and this creates the appearance that, if it keeps winning arguments, there must be something to it. The Far Right literally has handbooks on how to do this.

Those who never consciously embrace the ideology - who don’t transition from participating to getting recruited - are still useful. They spread the rhetoric, they pad the numbers, and often participate in harassment and sometimes even violence.

There’s a twisted elegance to all this. Think about it: If you operate as though there is no truth, just competing opinions, and as though opinions aren’t sincere, just tools to be picked up and dropped depending on their utility, then what are you operating under? Self-interest. The desire to win. You’ll defend the Holocaust just to feel smarter than someone, superior. Think about how beautifully that maps onto the in-group/out-group mentality of dominance and bigotry. Think how incompatible it is with liberal ideas of tolerance. I think this is why we don’t see a lot of these “I’m just here to fuck shit up” types on the Left. Don’t get me wrong, the Left has gotten on some bullshit, but (excepting politicians, whom you should never assume to mean anything they say) it’s sincerely-believed bullshit! We don’t build identities around saying things just to piss people off.

The takeaway from all this is not only that you can’t tell the difference between a bigot who doesn’t know they’re a bigot and a bigot who knows but won’t tell you, but that there is no line dividing the two. When some guy, in the middle of a harassment campaign, says the victims should be nicer to their harassers because that will “mend the rift,” I don’t know if he believes it. But, in that moment, he believes he believes it. And that scares the shit out of me. But, if you’re asking how many layers of irony he’s on as compared with the harassers, nine times out of ten it doesn’t matter.

Borrowed observation #4 is: “We are what we pretend to be.”

[mooleche]

A Tale of Ink and Venom

A/N - It’s happening! I’m reworking the old story I was working on to hopefully build a better version in its place! Multi-chapter fic involving OC x Colossus where OCs story unfolds while trying to do a heroic act that ends badly and the chaos the unfolds in the aftermath. Might do a few chapters on here and then move over to AO3 fully eventually to keep from making super long posts but we’ll see how it goes! ( *’ω’* ) Let me know if you’d like to be tagged!

Also BIG THANKS to @leo-writer for proofreading, you are a saint ily! 

₍₍ (ง Ŏ౪Ŏ)ว ⁾⁾

Chapter One: The Video

Moments.

Buddha says that one moment can change a day, one day can change a life and one life can change the world.

I was never one for religion but I think he was onto something there. Look at heroes, for example, they’re faced with moments like these every day. Ones that will save a life and ones that will take them away the second you hesitate. Moments that will give you the upper hand if you’re lucky and others that will leave you flat on your ass if you're not.

 Or worse. 

Now, I'm no hero by any means, but I like to think that the moments I experienced today would help shape what was in store for me tomorrow. A moment that would maybe even help shape me into something more someday.

So with that, let me ask you this:

Just what moment was it that led me to witness the death of a real superhero in his time of need? And not just any run of the mill death either. I'm talking blood everywhere, in my mouth, in my hair. 

Everywhere.

How had it all gone so wrong so fast?

I suppose in order to know that we have to go to the beginning, back to the morning where my life was about to be given a serious overhaul into chaos.

Back to college.

-

It was late. Very late.

A judgemental 3:45 AM stared back at me from the corner of my laptop's screen and a sigh of defeat escaped me. The Witching hour no longer belonged to ghosts and demons, but to college students that waited until the very last minute to get their 10-page essays written before it was too late. I was no exception to this, sacrificing the last remaining brain cells I had left to crap out what I deemed a passable paper on the artists of old. 

At least that's what I had been doing. 

Now I sat with my legs drawn up to my chest as I stared with growing exhaustion at my laptop. The glowing screen was flooded with news reports of the latest superhero successes and the villains they caught around town. This wasn’t exactly an uncommon thing for a city like Brooklynn. In fact, it was because of this city being such a hot zone for criminal activity that we had things like ‘Top 10 Villain Blunders of the Week’ to begin with.

Then, strangely, my eyes spotted something that I hadn’t expected to see.

I lurched forward, immediately feeling my body protest as I inspected the article that had grabbed my attention. It was a few days old, a journalist touching base on a series of unfortunate events from almost 6 months ago. A superhero trainee under the name of Deadpool had landed himself in hot water after murdering an orderly from the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation in what was seen as a cold-blooded attack to the media. Just reading the name of the facility left a bad taste in my mouth, but the video it included to recount the moment made the sensation even worse.

It was old, I had watched it over a dozen times in the recent months and yet I still found myself glued to the screen with morbid curiosity. The cameraman who had been focusing on a tense-looking reporter at the scene now fumbled clumsily over to the main event, a stout looking teen who had earlier called himself Firefist. I’d give you three guesses why he called himself that but taking a look at his clenched fists answered it all too well. 

He stood separated from a cautious crowd of police and bystanders with hands that radiated heat strong enough to cause everyone surrounding him to keep their distance. That was if all the destroyed wreckage around him hadn’t given them more than enough reason to stay back already.

As many times as I had seen this, I still felt bad for him. He looked worn down and angry, but more than anything was the noticeable expression of fear he wore, like a trapped animal willing to do anything to escape. A feeling that I was once all too familiar with.

I sank back into my chair and sighed. No amount of times seeing that clip made that look any easier to see. It was one that hit so close to home and yet I couldn't pinpoint it no matter how many times I tried. I closed my eyes and listened to him continue to threaten the police ballsy enough to step towards him:

"Stay back, I'll burn you!"

The words didn't resonate, but the tone did. Somewhere in the back of my mind was a memory lurking that I couldn't quite touch no matter how hard I focused on it. A memory sealed away so tight that even thinking about it caused my thoughts to grow numb, but that panic in the boy's voice always caused it to stir. Sometimes I felt like I was close enough to grasp it, all I needed was to push a little farther-

A loud bang erupted nearby and my eyes shot open in a panic. Whatever unconscious soul searching I had been doing was broken as I scrambled to catch my headphones now threatening to fall off my face. I looked around, both frantic to find the source to the sudden noise and also hoping no one saw my embarrassing act only to be greeted with muffled laughter nearby.

"Buenos Dias, Princesa! Did I wake you?"

I rubbed my eyes haphazardly and looked to the side of the small room to find a redheaded amazonian grinning back at me from the window. To my utter surprise, the sun was now out and shining it’s smug rays straight into our dorm as I stood to greet the grinning assailant. My bones protested with various cracks in response before I shuffled to my bed and threw open the window to face her.

"That wasn’t funny, Ava! What are you even doing up so early?" I asked through an unavoidable yawn, but I already knew the answer. Ava Santana was a Dominican powerhouse of energy, a mysterious enigma that seemed to only love running, German beer and, for a few crazy months, me. When she wasn’t burning the candle at both ends to keep her insane track record and an intimidating 4.0 GPA up, she was usually creating some wild new building blueprints that she was proud to show off to you before stealing your girlfriend. 

I didn’t know how she did it all and at this point, I was too afraid to ask.

She lifted herself onto the windowsill before tossing her shoes inside, swinging her long tan legs onto my bed to join me all in one fell swoop. All I could do was blink in surprise, knowing I would have faceplanted halfway through if I even attempted this motion. Her gaze studied me curiously now. 

"We both know why I’m awake, or were you expecting someone else to carry our track team to victory?" She teased, her face close to mine with a devious smile planted on her lips. “What's your excuse though, Sleeping Beauty? Building more schematics? Spying on the police scanner? Or maybe staying up late to watch him again?”

“Me? What? Hah, no. Can’t a girl just finish her essay like a good normal college student?”

“You could...if you’re not Nina Knight,” another voice announced beside us and I turned quickly to see another familiar face smirking back at us. Her name was Bambi Banks and she was known as the bad influencer extraordinaire of our dorm when she wasn’t taking candid photos for the Daily Bugle. You thought you had a bad idea? She had 10 at the ready that would probably get you put on the Top 10 lists. Despite this, she was the best friend a girl could ever ask for. 

Even if she now held my laptop in her hands frozen on a very particular shot of the clip that caused my face to burn.

“I really was working on my essay!” I protested as I reached for it only to fall short as Bambi moved just out of my range and looked to Ava curiously.

“I don’t know, Ava. Does this look like an essay to you?”

“You’re the journalist in training, tell us what you see.”

“Well if I had to title this ‘essay’, I would say ‘10 Reasons I Want This Man to Sit on My Fac-’”

“Alright, enough! You caught me,” I protested as I made another attempt to grab the laptop and succeeded, cradling it in my arms with a frown plastered on my face. “I just wanted to hear the update on this story…It put a lot of people in hot water y’know.” I added before taking a seat back at my desk, ignoring their victorious snickers. As much as I did have ulterior motives for watching the clip I really did want to see the outcome of the nationwide fiasco. Despite both the trainee and the kid being taken to the Ice Box to be reprimanded the X-Men and mutantkind as a whole were put under fire for their actions and the remainder of the story fell to a hush to the media in the months after.

Bambi rolled her eyes and ran her hands through her hair, flecks of hot pink from her bangs peeking through her blonde locks as she gave an exasperated sigh over my earnest answer.

“I really shouldn’t be saying this but the guy that looked like he was a walking talking condom was in the right all along.”

“No bullshit? How?” I pressed, now fully taken by the sudden turn of events.

“I heard it from some guy at the Bugle. That Essex place was nasty for mutants, another conversion camp or something so the government was desperado to keep it under wraps.”

“Leave it to the government to try and kill the truth,” Ava muttered under her breath as she stood to leave, pausing to take one of my hands in hers to inspect it thoughtfully. The contrast was big between us; her hands were long and slender while mine were smaller and discolored to a sooty black at the tips. “At least this means you won’t have to hide anymore.”

I knew that she meant well but the words still caused me frown. Not many people knew that I myself was a mutant. Hell, when you lived in a society where people who weren’t old, white, or male were already frowned upon like the next bubonic plague it wasn’t something you wanted getting out. Throw a genetic mutation that gave you unusual powers into the mix and you were the plague. I was lucky to have people around me that knew and accepted me like I was normal, but the reminder still stung. 

Bambi seemed to sense this and absent-mindedly pressed the play button on the video once more as if to distract my thoughts and boy did it work. I felt my face grow warm once more as the clip played. There, once frozen on the screen had been the perfect back shot of a man sprawled over the trainee after his killer shot, a man that now stood a good few feet over everyone else as the police did the cleanup of the area.

A man covered head to toe in metal.

He went by Colossus, but his real name was Piotr Rasputin. At least this is what Google told me when I went super-sleuthing around after I saw him in action for the first time. When he wasn't saving the day with his ragtag team of heroes he taught at Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Learning, a sanctuary for mutants who wanted to feel safe while honing their skills to help mold a better tomorrow. 

I had met Xavier himself years ago on my own tour of the school with my parents. He was very nice and very bald. The school itself had been created in his families estate and transformed into the bustling safe haven that it now was, when it wasn't getting blown up by the villain of the week at least. Despite this terrifying fact I was always envious of those who could attend because I had always wanted to enroll myself. The only downside was that my parents didn't want a burnt corpse for a daughter in the aftermath. How selfish.

I threw my hands up to my face and groaned. “That could have been me on his team! I could have been hot for teacher!”

“And? What’s stopping you? If you like him so much why don't you just go to the school?" Ava called from our bathroom and I groaned again.

“It doesn’t work like that. You can't just go back to that school.”

“And why not? You’re a mutant right? You wanna meet other mutants, right? Maybe get some chrome dome in the process if you get my drift,” Bambi winked. 

I glared at her in response.

It was true, I was a mutant, and maybe I did want that chrome dome. But I had tried the whole superhero vigilante thing before. 

It didn’t go well. 

An ancient proverb once said ‘You can't swim, you can't dance and you don't know karate. Face it, you're never gonna make it.’ and you know what? I stood by that. It’s why I took my very particular set of skills and decided to waste away in one of Brooklynn's most prestigious art colleges -they're words, not mine- instead. It wasn’t ideal, with a dorm that I was convinced was made for ants instead of four people with questionable living styles, but I had friends and I finally felt normal. I didn’t need to mess it up by visiting that school again.

As if reading my thoughts Bambi frowned and took one of my hands in hers, inspecting my inky black fingertips with thoughtful blue eyes.

“I know you’re deadset on having a normal life here but you have a gift, Neeners. And you deserve to be able to show the world what you can do with it.”

“Yeah, I’m really going to turn the world around with my ability to control ink,” I scoffed before taking my hand back gently and sighing. As much as I wanted to bury that side of me I did want to meet others like me, be a part of something bigger and save the day once in a while. 

This? This life was boring. But it was safe. And I needed safe.

I looked up to her and smiled softly. “I...will consider going back there, if only to pay Mr. Xavier a visit and...maybe see how the school’s doing.”

“Code for visiting Mr. heavy metal man, got it.” Bambi winked while imitating a heavy Russian accent as she moonwalked poorly out of the room. 

“You’re a terrible influence, Bam,” I called through stifled laughter before standing and stretching. As much as I hated her pep talks sometimes she was the reason I kept using my powers, keeping them as fresh as I could in case the chance ever arose to use them. Even now the schematics that Ava had so casually mentioned as a joke were tucked away under my desk to play with on a rainy day.

I must have stared at them too long because I felt Bams hand gently touch my shoulder and I jumped in surprise.

“Did you hear Ava? Your alarm is going off,” she asked softly before nodding towards my phone. She was right, the soft tune alerted the room once more before I had the chance to turn it off and blinked in surprise. 

“Sorry, my mind was somewhere else...”

“Between Professor Colossus’ thick thighs we knooow. Don’t let that mans glutes cost you your job,” Ava teased before motioning for Bambi to follow her out the door. She held back and gave me a reassuring squeeze.

“Hey, don’t let our conversation from earlier freak you out. Baby steps, okay? No rush,”

“Right. Baby steps…” I whispered, my gaze falling back to my hands that I had begun wringing absentmindedly with growing anxiety. I looked back up to her and smiled. “Thanks, Bam. I appreciate it.”

“Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?” she grinned before disappearing behind the door. She was right. Friends were there to steer you onto the better path when you doubted yourself. This is what I tried to convince myself as I headed to the bathroom to prepare for the day ahead.

Now that I look back on it I was grateful for that peaceful moment of clarity between friends because after what happened later on, God was I going to need it.

[transienturl]

Um, so, this post turned into me psychoanalyzing myself, and so I'm putting in a readmore. I don't know if I have any content warnings for it, but like... it seems appropriate? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if writing - fiction, nonfiction, persuasive essays, video scripts - came as easily to me as solving problems with code does, instead. If I would prefer it that way, or if I would simply be making this exact post right now with bits of the sentences swapped.

Certainly I am not, in my opinion, good at either. Or, I guess, *capable* of either - I think that I have the potential to be quite good at them, once in a while, in short and uncontrollable bursts that usually end before I accomplish any of what I want, and without any idea how to connect together any of the fragments (code, at least, I can edit later; writing, I never learned how). I do, I suppose, probably need medication, and I don't know how to ask for it. It's not like this doesn't occur to me, but I am a coward and have grown very good at erasing things from my thoughts when I am reminded so.

It is probably the editable-ness of javascript that makes it easier. You can tell when it's wrong, and more importantly you can tell when it works but clearly isn't good enough, and then when it's right. I can't have the thoughts that go into writing things more than once, over and over, with different variations, and figure out which ones give that perfect feeling; the thoughts and the spaces they live in are too large. I think maybe by doing some exercises, like the predefined fanfic categories that have helped so many, I might be able to start making small enough chunks to do that, a little, but it's never as modular as a line of code, I bet.

I thought of writing this post when I thought, maybe I wish it was? Maybe I wish that writing a web extension script was too big to comprehend, but while I wasn't going to write a novel any time soon, I could have an AO3 full of bits and bobs: my own little XKCD 1414 to think, hey, maybe someday I could do this.

But then again, you know, probably not. Because the writing I care about the most and would most want to create, things like A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor, are solutions to the problem of saying something you know is true and that people would be enriched by understanding. All the things I love, I think, fall under that umbrella. And I don't think I have a story I want to tell, like that, not yet, and it would bother me to no end until I did. Sure, I have so, so many notes about cool setting ideas for original fantasy stories, and I should try and work on them to get the practice, but they're meaningless until I actually have anything I want to tell.

Wheras, with code, the problems to solve can be so small. "Make the posts different colors on the dashboard." It doesn't matter, in the slightest, but it's good practice and you get to actually ship it and call it a contribution to society. People get paid for this stuff, paid a lot, often. And you know, if I'm ever going to hate myself any less. You know.

(It's funny. I've read a bunch of fiction lately, and my mind autocompletes the next sentences in that regard. It doesn't autocomplete it with she/her pronouns, actually, but it's a fun chance to try.

Character 2 looks at her sharply. "You don't... you've never said that. You don't say that."

"Well... no. Of course not. It's not—I mean, I don't have to say it for you to know it. Right? But it doesn't do any good to say it. Or... maybe there's a part of me that's telling me that even though I don't know if it's true. Logically, there's no reason to think... that saying nothing is ever better. But saying nothing... doesn't hurt. There are so many things I could say—putting aside, for the moment, can we, which of those things are ultimately true or false—but of *everything I could say,* there are so many things that would hurt. Mostly insofar as they would hurt to hear, and then I would feel what it's like to say something that hurt someone I care for, and that's—that's really how you get to me. And yes, yes, of course I know that saying nothing is worse. Everything meaningful that I have ever lost, really, is from saying nothing when I knew better. On some level. But... I mean, doing something logically irrational from the fear of pain is... I don't know, is that trauma or normal?" Her voice sounds... too even, maybe? Or maybe not. Character 2 can't tell if it's some sort of emotional... thing, or if that's just how whatever part of her is talking really sounds like.

"It... doesn't have to be one or the other, right?" Character 2 says slowly. They put a hand on her shoulder experimentally and she tilts her head to the right just a fraction, the motion she does when she's sorting through her initial thoughts about something, not yet responding positively or negatively to the touch. "I mean, you wouldn't blame someone else for being skittish around expressing stuff like that, and you would also tell them to go to therapy to help make it easier and that it's something they do need to do. You'd say it's normal for it to be hard, and that they shouldn't expect things to be either easy or a personal failure. Right?"

"I... yeah. Yeah. Of course. Man, like... sometimes I forget that just because I know that what-if-you-were-someone-else trick, doesn't mean having someone else do it doesn't make it work differently."

Character 2 smiled wryly. "Hah, well, imagine what it could do if it really were coming from someone else, and not a clone of yourself. Oh, wait... neither of us can do that, can we. Pity.

...I guess at that point there would be some plot-related discussion about how character 2 is actually their own person despite being a clone of character 1, and I would have to go back in and edit in the joke I was planning on making about how talking about normalizing being open about the things your emotions make it hard for you to do makes you sound like a podcast ad for BetterHelp (which, by the way, I have heard is not a great company, though only through reblogs).

Uh. This post got weird.

[howtotitleanessay427]

same day essays

About me

Photo Essay

Photo Essay The story of Q is premised on the need for Q to stay nameless. It’s why Q originally picked 4chan, one of the last places built for anonymity on the social net. “I’ve often associated Q to earlier figures like John Titor or Satoshi Nakamoto,” Brennan informed me, referring to 2 legends of web anonymity. Satoshi Nakamoto is the name utilized by the unknown creator of bitcoin. One of his favorite rallying cries is “Enjoy the show”—a reference to a coming apocalypse.What might have languished as a lonely screed on a single picture board as an alternative incited fervor. Its profile was enhanced, according to Brandy Zadrozny and Ben Collins of NBC News, by several conspiracy theorists whose promotion of Q in flip helped build up their very own online profiles. By now, nearly three years since Q’s original messages appeared, there have been 1000's of what his followers call “Q drops”—messages posted to picture boards by Q. He uses a password-protected “tripcode,” a collection of letters and numbers visible to other image-board customers to signal the continuity of his identity over time. If the web is one big rabbit hole containing infinitely recursive rabbit holes, QAnon has by some means found its method down all of them, gulping up lesser conspiracy theories as it goes. Not so way back, he used to observe CNN, and couldn’t get sufficient of Wolf Blitzer. “We were glued to that; we all the time have been,” he stated. “Until this man, Trump, really opened our eyes to what’s occurring. And Q. Q is telling us beforehand the stuff that’s going to occur.” I asked Harger and Shock for examples of predictions that had come true. They couldn't provide specifics and as a substitute inspired me to do the research myself. The third group of theories holds that Q is a collective, with a small variety of individuals sharing access to the account. This third class includes the notion that Q is a new type of open-source army-intelligence company. John Titor is the name used on several message boards in 2000 and 2001 by somebody claiming to be a army time traveler from the year 2036. He had migrated from 4chan (fearing that the location had been “infiltrated”) to the picture board 8chan, after which 8chan went dark. The episode had eerie similarities to two different shootings. Four months earlier, in April 2019, the suspected shooter in a murderous rampage at a synagogue in Poway, California, had posted an anti-Semitic letter on 8chan. Weeks earlier than that, the man who killed 51 worshippers at two New Zealand mosques had posted a white-supremacist manifesto on 8chan. When I asked them how they defined the events Q had predicted that never occurred, similar to Clinton’s arrest, they mentioned that deception is a part of Q’s plan. Shock added, “I assume there were more things that were predicted that did occur.” Her tone was light rather than indignant. The QAnon universe is sprawling and deep, with layer upon layer of context, acronyms, characters, and shorthand to be taught. CBTS stands for “calm before the storm,” and WWG1WGA stands for “Where we go one, we go all,” which has turn out to be an expression of solidarity among Q followers. The destruction of the worldwide cabal is imminent, Q prophesies. His “Q for Beginners” video consists of advertisements from corporations similar to the vacation-rental website Vrbo and from The Epoch Times, a global pro-Trump newspaper. Q evangelists have taken a “publish all over the place” strategy that is half outreach, half redundancy. If one platform cracks down on QAnon, as Reddit did, they won’t have to begin from scratch somewhere else. Taking a page from Trump’s playbook, Q frequently rails in opposition to respectable sources of data as fake. Shock and Harger rely on information they encounter on Facebook quite than information retailers run by journalists. An AR-15 rifle makes for a conspicuous sash in most social settings, but particularly at a spot like Comet. Behind the door was a small computer-storage closet. If you were an adherent, no one would be able to tell. You might be a mom, selecting leftovers off your toddler’s plate. You could be the young man in headphones throughout the road. The most prominent QAnon figures have a presence beyond the most important social-media platforms and image boards. Vloggers and bloggers promote their Patreon accounts, where folks can pay them in month-to-month sums. There’s additionally money to be produced from adverts on YouTube. That appears to be the primary focus for Hayes, whose movies have been viewed more than 33 million instances altogether. They don’t learn the native paper or watch any of the major tv networks. “Your news channel ain’t gonna tell us shit.” Harger says he likes One America News Network. You might be a bookkeeper, a dentist, a grandmother icing cupcakes in her kitchen. You might nicely have an affiliation with an evangelical church. But you might be exhausting to determine just from the way you look—which is nice, as a result of someday soon darkish forces may attempt to track you down. You perceive this sounds loopy, but you don’t care. You know that a small group of manipulators, working in the shadows, pull the planet’s strings.

[farfromsugafanfic]

Marili Cruz Interview

Hello Marili! Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed. To start off, why don’t you start off by telling us a bit about yourself!

Marili: Hi guys, my online name is Marili Cruz, I'm 18 years old and from Texas. I like reading, drawing, and writing for past times and I'm honored to be interviewed. I currently have about 12+ books written based on fanfiction on the group called BTS. I'm Jin biased and am pleased to meet you guys. Hopefully you'll enjoy this and if you want to read some of my works please follow me or check out my works on Wattpad @Marili_Cruz. Thank you for this great honor!!

You’re welcome! Now, onto the questions!

Q1: What kind of fan fiction do you write/ have you written?

A1: Well, currently I write BTS fanfictions (a k-pop group for those who might not know) but some time in the future I would like to do more groups such as ACE, Day6 , Monsta X and more. I write a lot of Drama RomCom (romance comedy) and fluff but on occasion bengure further. (Smut)

Q2: What made you start writing fan fiction?

A2: Well, I've always had a very interesting imagination and I would tell my younger sisters stories to help them sleep. I guess once I found out about BTS my imagination took hold and it began to spread. A little nudge from a ex best friend also helped me gain the confidence to write my dreams and imagination into an actual book of sorts.

Q3: Were you scared to begin posting it online?

A3: Yes of course, who isn't. Whether my work would be well received, negative and positive criticism, and even threats are the day to day life of some authors and I've come to experience some of it. Everything and anything that how's online will be judged, and I myself am very emotional so I get easily offended. But this has helped me grow as a person, be able to handle situations better, and be able to take opinions and ideas in a good way then being childish and taking things negatively, no matter how much they might hurt.

Q4: Has writing fan fiction taught you anything? About writing? Reading? Something else?

A4: It’s taught me not to take things with a great assault, and to mature. It's helped me with my grammar and spelling and helped me improve with my essays that I write at school. I write college level essays and improve my writing day by day. It also helped me gain friendships and inspire other authors and readers.

Q5: Do you ever want to be published in a professional capacity one day?

A5: I don't think I have that ability just yet, but if I someday come to be able to create a good plot and characters that can dance on the page just as well as those of the author's that I enjoy, then probably I would like to attempt and make a book of my own on the professional level.

Q6: How you feel about the stigma surrounding fan fiction and fan fiction writers? Or, do you not feel any stigma at all?

A6: I've seen it. I've felt it. Judgment, being looked down upon. Disgust. I feel it, but if my intentions are not harmful, and if I put my purest of meaning behind them, then what's the problem? Only those who accept this and are able to have a blind eye to the judgment and criticism by those who don't understand what fanfiction is, we can continue on peacefully.

Q7: Do you think that stigma is warranted? (Whether or not you have personally experience it?)

A7: I mean I see why they have such stigma. Some fanfiction is simply disgusting and has some of the most ill mannered intentions behind it. Incest, glorified depression, rape, or bullying are just some of the examples that make me absolutely uncomfortable and offended. Though people have their own opinion on stuff, these are some topics that I believe give a bad rep to those of us writing fan fiction. So yes, they are somewhat justified but shouldn't be the only thing people see when talking or mentioning it.

Q8: What’s your favorite piece of fan fiction you’ve ever written? Why?

A8: Well, there's two I like. Broken Hearts (which was my first ever work), and Invisible Girl which is my second official work (not including the imagines books because those are mostly request and short.

These two books mean a lot to me. Broken Hearts is a slice of life drama that contains a lot of character development in the first volume, but that will have a lot of angst in the second. I want to give life to topics that in fanfiction are often glorified or misinterpreted and want to help readers gain an understanding behind people who suffer or have gone through these conditions minds. Depression for an extrovert, suicide,  self harm, divorce, infidelity, rape and adoption. I want to bring light and justice to these topics which are often use in fanfictions by authors who have no idea what it's like and either glorify it or stretch out the actual truths behind it. I want to speak what's actually behind this pain and clearing the name to those victim of these such hanes crimes and pains.

Q9: What’s something you’ve never been asked but want to be?

A9: Hmmmm….. That's hard.

I've never really thought about it to be completely honest, but if someone were to ask me something…. I'd want them to ask mostly questions about my book Broken Hearts. Whether it be about the plot, or the characters individually, I'd love to hear people a thoughts and questions on the book and you know, hear their theories on it.

Q10: Do you write outside of fan fiction?

A10: I do a lot of school essays, but I usually draw a lot when I'm not writing. And if I do write it's either fanfiction or for school essays. Since I'm a senior in high school taking college courses, it becomes hectic when all the college classes assign an essay on the same day or want it turned in at the same time.

Q11: What site you (mainly) use to write fan fiction?

A11: Wattpad. I have two accounts: @JinKoalaOppa where I barely upload much and @Marili_Cruz which seems to be my main account. I tried Fanfiction.net but it didn't have the appeal that Wattpad had with the images and videos that can be included.

Q12: Why do you write fan fiction?

A12: I write to express myself, to see others smile and succeed. I use fan fiction to get me through my day when I sad and I write when I want to distress. Sometimes I write to inspire change, to comfort those who need to be comforted, or to bring people to tears so that they can get rid of pent up anger.

I write to cheer people on, to bring people to life and make them closer to one another. That's why I write.

Thank you Marili for taking the time to be interviewed today! I’m glad to call you a friend within the fan fiction community and I wish you all the luck with your writing! To find Marili’s work follow the link above or here: https://www.wattpad.com/user/Marili_Cruz. 

If you are interested in being interviewed, please don’t hesitate to reach out. :)

[kissesand-scars]

Last moving day.

Chapter one

“Iris”

I woke up in the afternoon. It was dark and slightly warm. I turned in bed looking for my phone I found it after a lazy struggle under the far edge of my pillow. i grab it and with half open eyes I check the texts I missed coming all morning.

Phone unlocked. The dim light hurts my still sleepy eyes. I find a lame joke from the group I barely respond to, a couple of work related messages and of course I skip those on a Saturday afternoon. And then I find five consecutive messages from Maddison. Whom last I spoke to was last night about the book that kept me on edge for few days. I check the messages. She’s been moving around lately and finally decided to settle in with her boyfriend Max, they’ve been going out for a year now. Today is the last day of moving and she’s been nagging me to come over and help her move. But I’ve been procrastinating and I ran out of excuses and I guess I’ll cave today. Especially because she received a dear old piece of furniture today and she needs help moving it to her new apartment.

I shook the remainder of sleep off my eyes. I rolled off the bed, went to the kitchen to make some coffee and I kept scrolling on my phone catching on what I missed last night hoping that someday I’ll give up this misfortunate habit.

My phone rings, it’s Maddison. I’m too lazy and non-sober to talk on the phone just yet. Maddie Knows I don’t answer my phone when I wake up or before coffee for the matter. So she must really need me now, I picked up. She’s all energetic and sort of panting like she has been running or doing some exercise.

“Hey Maddie, Morning.”

“It’s past afternoon you sleepyhead.”

“Yeah, Okay. I saw your texts, it’s today huh?”

“Yes, and please please, I really need your help moving this piece. It just arrived this morning and the movers wrapped it too poorly and I can’t leave it like this to the rest of the day. It will gather dust and this might ruin the wood. It’s ancient you know.”

“…uhmm, what was it again?”

“It’s my grandmother’s mantel piece, remember that piece you always admired the glasswork on its mirror?”

“Oh yeah, right. Okay Maddie, when should I be there?”

“I want you to get your ass here two hours ago. So come on freshen up and I’ll be waiting for you. Max is here too with his sister Victoria to help with the move.”

“Oh! Four people to move one single piece of furniture?”

“It’s huge! You’ve seen it. I was actually about to ask you if you could bring a friend along to give us a hand.”

“hmmm, I don’t know Maddison, I’ll need to make some calls and sober up. I’ll be there in two hours, I have to stop by the post office first to mail some stuff to Cheryl.”

“Cheryl? Isn’t that your friend who’s pack packing or hiking somewhere in Oregon?”

“Yes. That’s her. Okay I gotta go now, see you in a bit.”

My coffee is almost gone. And I’m about to welcome by sobriety home. I thought for a second about whom I might bring with me to help with the move and my phone answered my dilemma for me. It was Conrad calling me. I remembered now that I was supposed to meet him to attend his friend’s new book signing today at 6PM in that small secondhand bookstore I like. I picked up this busy non-stop phone of mine.

“Hey Conrad.”

“Iris!! Hey yourself, how’s it going?”

“Fine I guess, Just Starting.”

“So you ready for today? Cliff is really excited about this book signing.”

“Yeah yeah. Hey listen, uhh.. Something came up and I was wondering if you could help me out with something before we meet up.”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“It’s Maddison. She needs some help moving this piece of furniture into her new apartment and the piece is quite heavy so we’re gonna need all the help we can get to move it upstairs. Uhh, could you meet me earlier at 2PM and then once we’re done we’ll have plenty of time for Cliff’s book signing.”

“grrr…Iris! you just killed my entire afternoon!”

“Your afternoon! Conrad! Come on it’s a Saturday and we both know you’ll spend the rest of “The afternoon” on your couch playing your video games and throwing out things at your TV. In fact I’m doing your TV a gigantic favor.”

“Alright alright! God! fine Iris. I’ll come. I know you need all my masculine help anyway.”

“Yeah.. You bet. We’d be all lost without masculine Conrad.”

“Fine you sarcastic buzzkill. Where will I meet you?”

“I’ll meet you at the post office and make it 2:15 instead of 2 PM. So I’d be done with dropping off a box there.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever. See you.”

“Bye.”

I check the time it is 1PM already, about time to get ready. I need to set up the box for Cheryl and make sure I didn’t drop anything here. God knows what trouble she could go through in the wilderness if I lost anything of hers.

The box is a standard mail brown carton box. It looks light. I pick up the box it’s heavier than it looks. But it’s manageable. I put the box on my coffee table. It’s sealed already but I can’t risk not checking it for the third time this month. I wouldn’t call it control obsession I’d say it’s just being cautious. I unsealed it and I grab the post it note I put on there weeks ago and go through the items again.

1-   One navy blue cotton shirt. Check

2-   2 cans of beans. Check

3-   4 separate bags of dried food.  Check

4-   New pair of white tube socks. Check

5-   20 dollar bill. Check

6-   2 books. “ The ten thousand things by Maria Dermout.” And “The best American Essays 1991 edited by Robert Atwan. Check.

7-   New hiking walking stick. Check.

8-   Roll of duct tape. Check

9-   Bag of band aids. Check.

Everything seems intact and in place.

I reseal the box again. I throw the post it note in my to-do’s pile of notes on my desk and went to take a shower and get dressed to meet Conrad.

“End of chapter one.”

[utopianparadoxist]

so you've talked a ton about dirk and his feelings for jake, but i think in a lot of ways jake is also a very difficult character to understand because he hides what he really cares about. what's your take on his feelings for dirk? was he just overwhelmed by dirk's intensity or did he really not care as much about dirk in return? or would it just take him longer to return dirk's feelings?

I want to write about Jake at length someday–probably around the time I get to the point where adapting Dirk’s essays into video format is viable–but the basic breakdown is this:Jake is in love with Dirk. The way he’s written makes it pretty clear he wanted Dirk from the start. Callmearcturus wrote a fantastic post breaking down the way Jake literally manipulated events so that Dirk, not Jane, would be the one to ultimately ask him out, which is readable here: http://callmearcturus.tumblr.com/post/150195543495/sorrydontknowman-replied-to-your-post-theory#notesBeyond that point? Jake is in love with Dirk. He’s flighty and passive aggressive with Brain Ghost Dirk after years of dancing around the AR’s aggression and Dirk’s emotional distance, but all the boy really wants for all of the lead-up to Unite Synchronize is to talk to Dirk. He seeks him out. When he has to corpsesmooch Dirk’s head, his regret isnt about having to do it but about it not going how he imagined. After Dirk breaks up with him, Jake doesn’t talk about feeling uncomfortable with Dirk–he talks about how bad he feels for breaking Dirk’s heart and ignoring Jane. He decides romance isn’t for him…when he thinks Dirk and all his friends hate him and is blaming himself for everything that went wrong. You know, the exact same way Dirk takes the blame for everything that went wrong himself and decides to stay away from Jake for his own good. Neither moment is particularly healthy for them. When Jake’s agency is well and truly compromised in every way when Aranea usurps his free will and exploits him for his powers, Dirk is who he turns to for protection. Jake summoning Brain Ghost Dirk is an understated visual storytelling moment in the same way Dirk’s lamp breaking when Jake kisses his head–it’s the moment where we see the full force of the one’s feelings for the other, and those feelings warp reality around their weight and make impossible things possible. Not only does Jake summon Dirk as his knight in shining armor, his Prince Charming if you will– but he summons a Dirk who calls himself Jake’s boyfriend (this is after they break up, remember?) and quoting The Princess Bride, an action movie all about a hyper-competent badass dude who does not just try, but succeeds at doing anything his beloved wishes, and which revolves wholly around the power of love, and performing dramatic feats in the name of that love. I. I don’t know what else to say there. That Brain Ghost Dirk moment seals the deal completely. That’s BGD embodying all of Jake’s fantasies at the time Jake needs it most, and the only other time we see Jake activate his powers is during the Masterpiece, when Dirk is the one who needs him to come save him. Dirk’s feelings aren’t one-sided. Dem bois are in love. That’s really all there is to say on the matter. I think I’d say Jake probably feels emotion a more low-key level than Dirk and that might have played into him considering himself unable to have those dramatic, romantic feelings–because, yes, Dirk is very intense about his emotions. But I think Jake’s hopesplosion moments make it pretty clear those feelings are absolutely there. He just processes and expresses them differently, which is fine, because that’s how it works in real life for plenty of people. There’s also an argument to be made that Jake hasn’t even had a chance to understand his emotions for Dirk outside of circumstances that were super stressful. He certainly flirted with Dirk a lot in the one pesterlog they really share, just before the AR’s creation–but after that, they’re either gagged by the AR situation or dealing with it’s fallout in the session. It seems pretty natural to me that would throw a wrench in Jake’s ability to understand his feelings in general, so who knows how he expresses his feelings now that they’ve had time to sort things out and reengage in a way that’s healthy? 

[androidincubus]

1, 5, 8, 16, 17, 19 and 20

1. Your first cosplay. :I costumed a lot as a kid but my first convention cosplay was in 2004It was Morrigan from Darkstalkers. I lack any pictures of the original costume on my computer, I might have some in old photobooks but nothing here. Since then I have updated my costume from what it was and still hope to improve it more someday but have a bad webcam shot till I get better pictures (WHICH MIGHT HAPPEN AT PAXEAST This coming weekend)

5. The character you have cosplayed that is most similar to you (if none that you have cosplayed, then one that you will cosplay): I am not sure if this means characters that are most like my on a physical level or personality based.  The Latter is probably obvious to you. I most relate to Anakin Skywalker.  I see a lot of myself in him. The good and the bad. As I have explained to you on many a tangent. I relate to a lot of Anakin’s struggles , his fears and his passions. His search for self and identity in a life that has always subjugated him or taken from him his personhood. Making him more then that of the ‘body’  I was raised in a Buddhist upbringing and being told to live a renunciation life in the sense of attachment to my loved ones and forming a solid identity other then the ‘absolute’ makes me relate to him. I have a mental illness that while is not canon for him. I see a lot of myself in that aspect as well.  I am very fearful of loss and well.. I also hold a lot of the positive aspects he has as well but this is turning into a essay and I should cut this short.  When I am Anakin I feel most in my element, i also judge myself harshly on being good enoguh and doing him justice but Anakin is who I feel is the most simaler to.  On a shorter answer.. who I am most like physically well sadly not Anakin ..haha but I am more like a handful of ‘curvy’ Video Game or Anime characters. I could say Rayne or Morrigan and that is pretty great. (as I said all the pictures posted are reused. I hopefully will post new pictures after this month as i am going to PAX, AB and Celebration!)8. The dream cosplay that will never happen. : I am one of the lucky cosplayers that has reached almost ALL their cosplay dreams. My personal cosplay dream I am HOPING is reachable one day and that is to be a rebel legion approved Anakin Skywalker. I have a handful of improvements to make. its frustrating. I don’t know if I will ever get there but fingers crossed

16. What is your best cosplay memory?:  I have had many but one I remember fondly is when I cosplayed as Ariel (as a mermaid) and I was just sitting in the main hall of a con, I was feeling bad about my costume and my body and a little boy and his mother come up to me. The little boy was so excited but also shy. His mother apologized to me and said ‘I am so sorry to bother you but my son’s favorite character is Ariel, he had to meet you’ I thought it was so sweet. I went into character and talked to the little boy and he lit up. I was so happy he had a supportive mother who let him like a mermaid princess and happy that she brought him over to me. it was so nice to have a uplifting experience one that was free of all judgement adults have. He made me forget my judgments , I was too focused on making him smile (I dont have a picture of my ariel as i deleted them all because I had a lot of body judgements, but maybe ill get new ones someday now)  17. What is your worst cosplay memory? : I have had many bad con memories. I have been hospitalized many times, I have cried my eyes out for ages at them. I have felt suicidal. all bad times. but cosplay itself? I have been bullied heavily for my body type and for my choice in cosplay. Last fall I was outright told “Another fat Harley Quinn” and that really stuck with me, Ive lost a lot of weight but that aside I havent given up on cosplay. No one should make you feel you dont belong in the cosplay community for your physical appearance .. heck I even did a ‘slave’ leia when i was heavier.  now i am thinner and I still carry the nerves of showing off my body but i love the characters enough to want to press on19. Your best cosplay derp photo!: Oh man there has to be a ton. I have a hard time knowing where they all are as I destroy them >> but ill go on a hunt. likely i dont even have the WORST one.. lol have a couple silly onesHave me and my friend Mollie derping as The Doctor and The Master

Me as Draco, rolling around the ground

There are likely more but enjoy these two!20. Have you worn cosplay in a regular situation? (eg. at school, to work) :I have worn them out and about to visit friends but never to school or work. I wouldnt want to get in trouble . Most of them wouldnt be appropriate for work or school because of the amount of skin shown (the female cosplays of course) and my male cosplays take up a lot of space and might get in the way of doing things

[ditadevil]

Tulu - an amazing woman!

People who know me well also know of my obsessive love towards my Mother. Over the last 30 years, my Mother has been omnipresent in my mind in different ways. I get bouts of memories from my childhood to growing-up days where I have seen Ma being in the situations that I now face while adulting. Over the last few years, I have always thought of penning down how she has been more than a Mother to me and finally this lockdown triggered me to write this down. So, here it goes… Disclaimer: It might seem as though my Dad is missing in all these things but let me tell you that he is the sweetheart of our lives and someday there will be a separate write-up about him. 

It all begins with one of the early memories that I have from childhood; but I am going to set up a bit of context first. My Dad has been working in Bhutan (since 1987). Ma and Baaba decided that both their daughters need good education. Thereby the arrangement was that my Didi and I will stay with Ma in Calcutta and Dad would pay us a visit every 3-4 months. 

My Dadu and Thakuma (Grandfather and Grandmom) also stayed with us back then. Ma taught Bengali in a Primary school just to make sure that the houses’ needs were met independently, as my Dad’s monthly money-order sometimes took a lot of time to process. So, one of my first memories take me back to this day when I was sitting with my Thakuma in the backside of our house. The backyard had many plants that my Dadu had grown. It also had a dark green coloured tube well and two nylon ropes where clothes were to be dried. I was enjoying the cool breeze and Thakuma was having cha (tea) from a small cup. Suddenly, I heard a thud which came from my Dadu’s room. He was an aged man who was bedridden. I nudged Thakuma to tell her that let’s go and check on him, but I don’t know why she ignored me and chose to not get up. That was also probably the first time that I remembered something which Ma would always tell me. While leaving for her school she would say, “Take care of Dadu and Thakuma when I am away.” So, I went and peeked inside my Dadu’s room and saw that he was lying on the ground and holding his head which was bleeding. I then ran to the kitchen and filled a steel glass with water to its brim and ran back to give it to my Dadu, leaving a trail of water behind my path. I don’t remember much of what happened after that. But I do remember that after a few weeks, my Baba came home as Dadu had passed away. More than the despair of losing a grandparent, I was more excited that my Baaba was visiting us. I started noticing things around me after that. I observed that my Thakuma used to be mean towards my Ma and when I used to tell this to Ma, she would just tell me, “Your Thakuma is old and there are many people who are mean to each other. That doesn’t mean that I have to forget my kindness and you shouldn’t too.” Later, I joined the same primary school where my Mother used to teach. Relating one funny incident from those two years. One day, back in school after the Kali Pujo (or Diwali) holidays, my classmates stood in a group and were trying to outdo each other with stories from their holidays around firecrackers. I too wanted to share my story. I told them, “Do you know what I did? I took a bunch of kaali-potka (the red firecrackers) in my palm and let it burn till the end!” The kids were amazed and that’s when I felt a tug on my shoulder. It was Ma. She told all of the kids, “Erokom kichu hoe ni… tomra baari jaao (Nothing like this has happened. Please go home now).” She took my palm (the same one which had made me immensely famous just a while ago) and we started walking. We got out of the school gate and were going back home. She said, “Baabi (Baabi and Moom i.e. wax-like are my daak names), why have you started lying? What if they try this out at home and get their hands burnt!” I wanted to justify my exaggerated story. I wanted to say, ‘what about their exaggerated stories?’ But I let it be. In reality, I have always been scared of firecrackers. I have even given up on fitting into the group of firecracker-bursting and noise-making enthusiasts of the world. 

One of the next memories I have is when Baaba started to build the first floor of our house and Ma left teaching. I just started telling myself that “We are also boro lok now (rich people)”, although the rest of the family didn’t share the same enthusiasm. Anyway, there was this empty plot next to our house which my Ma used to say belonged to our estranged Uncle (the second brother). He neither intended to make a house there, nor did he agree to sell it to my Dad. They were three brothers and my Baaba is the youngest one. I still haven’t been told about the reason behind why this uncle decided to part ways with the rest of us. All I knew was that he had a drinking problem. Often, he used to come outside our house and yell at the top of his voice. What I could only understand is that he was drunk and he is yelling at Ma, calling her names. I would hold on to Ma and not let her proceed towards the verandah as I used to be really scared. She would move me aside and that’s when I started noticing this other side of my Mother - The stern one. The face which has seen a lot and will not take up any unnecessary drama. In a minute or two, I could hear my Ma roaring at my Uncle.” At the end of these conflicts, Mejo Jethu (Uncle) would leave and my Mom would turn back, lock the doors and gates. Her face still red, flushed with anger. But I found her to be beautiful even then. In her floral cotton sarees, gold hoop earrings, long braided hair and her red face not saying anything but reflecting a face of someone almost powerful as Ma Durga herself. I couldn’t say anything to her but just take her aanchol (pallu) and be at awe of her amazing bravery each time! The streaks of bravery were often displayed in different manners. It happened many-a-times. Slowly, I started observing how my Didi started reflecting both my Ma’s powerful stance to my Baaba’s selfless mannerisms. The following episode was one such incident. I used to both love and hate ‘monsoons in Calcutta’ – Loved it because of the thunderstorms and moments enjoying harmonious rains on our terrace. Hated it because of the creatures it brought with it. 

This was one of those nights in the monsoon season when Ma, Didi and I were watching TV post dinner. Then Didi and I went on to make the bed. I was spreading the night bedsheet and my Didi was putting up the moshari (mosquito net). Ma went down to lock the doors and while coming back, between the ground and the first floor level, she noticed some movement in the water drain outlet. She called out to my Didi and I knew it then that there must be a snake. With a hush voice, I kept pleading to them to stay inside the bedroom. I said that we will lock the door and just be there. They didn’t pay any heed to me. My Didi asked me to stay safe inside the mosquito net and instructed me to not come out. I joined both my hands and kept praying to different Gods. After 10 minutes or so, both of them came back laughing and started making fun of me. They said that they have gotten the snake upstairs for me. I could smell something burning. It was the bunch of red chillies that they burnt and kept next to the outlet hole so that the snake climbs down the drainage pipe. I went and hugged Ma and my sister came in hugging me from behind. I realized that now I stay with two Goddesses! 

I was not a topper from my school, but I would get by. Ma never asked me to aim for being the topper but just requested that there shouldn’t be any complaints about me. Otherwise she would have to go and mingle with other parents, which she didn’t want to do. So, I made sure that I never let that happen to her. She had to visit school once a year, only to collect the report card. There were phases though when I decided to study throughout the day. I would not let Ma go out and meet people as she had to be around me when I was preparing for my exams. I wouldn’t let anyone come home as well because that would disturb me. Those used to be the best times. She would watch TV or read a magazine, and I used to rest my head on her lap and keep reading. She says that those times were the times when she had to endure my ‘otyachar’ on her. 

Now in the times of lockdown when I call her, I hear that she is alone at home and just watching TV. In my mind, I join her right there and I feel like I am with her, just lying next to her, reading a book or playing the snake game on her Nokia phone. I am glad that she chose to not be on any social media. But this lockdown has gotten her wishing that she wasn’t so stubborn. At least not refused upgrading to a smartphone. She knows that if she wasn’t so stubborn, then she could have video called her husband and her daughters. I don’t remember exactly, but when I was in class 3 or 4, I once got the highest marks in an essay writing competition. The subject was ‘If you can be something/someone for two days, what/ who would it be.’ While the entire class was buzzing with future astronauts, Presidents, Doctors and so many other great answers, I simply wrote about how I wanted to be like my Mother. I thought that she is a living example for me, with all of the superpowers one would strive for. 

My answer will not change even today. 

My Mother’s name is Tulu. She’s an amazing woman.