#i might put on the soundtrack just to feel her close to me

[seveneyesoup]

dropping out of school to dedicate myself full-time to doccy who

[noneorother]

All the music you didn’t hear: The Good Omens soundtrack is lying to you. *Part2*

The Bonkers Meta Series 2: Electric Boogaloo. This week on the chopping block: The official Good Omens 2 soundtrack album!

Part 1  l  Part 2  

If you, like me, have absolutely no respect for your time (or your 2023 Spotify Wrapped) and are willing to sit with the show and the David Arnold score album running side by side to match up all the songs, then you too can find out what I did: exactly 6 songs in the album go off the rails in the show in a very specific way. And you know what they say about a song…

So let’s break these misbehaving songs down, shall we? 

A Bell Tolls for Thee

There are SO MANY DAMN BELLS in season 2. I think the sound department might have had a competition going. But I want to show you the bells that happen in the music of the show, but not in the album.

Specifically, there are tubular bells all over the score in David Arnold’s orchestration in season 2 (and some in season 1). It’s an instrument used throughout classical music to represent grandfather clocks or church bells, signalling time passing, like striking the hour. But, this season has done something devious: it sets up your expectation by putting tubular bells in all the regular places in the score, so that you notice less when they whack a big tubular bell ring in a place where it should not be, at a key moment in the story. 

Feel free to go back and listen to these time codes in the show, it’s going to become obvious real fast.  

S2E1 - 14:55 l Song : Into Soho Aziraphale answers the door to a naked Gabriel, and recognizes him for the first time. A bell rings once.

If you listen closely to the album version, David Arnold recorded a beautiful and uplifting ending to this track. Too bad we never get to hear it in the show, it splits off into a bell toll and then a reorchestration. We never hear the end!

S2E1 - 42:30 l Song : Tiny Miracle Aziraphale & Crowley perform a class-A miracle, and Crowley pokes the barrier with his finger. A bell rings twice.

Same thing for Tiny Miracle! The ending of the song in the album we never get to hear in the show, it gets interrupted by 2 tubular bell tolls and another reorchestration of other music. 

S2E3 - 33:59 l Song : Reprise - Something Terrible Aziraphale considers the statue of Gabriel in his present day trip to Edinburgh. A bell rings three times.

This one starts from silence with 3 bell tolls as a reprise of “Something terrible” starts just after it. The second and third bells are woven into the music on beats they never appear in those bars on the recording. 

S2E4 - 38:00 l Song : Zombie Dressing Room  Shax asks Beelzebub for permission to attack the bookshop. A bell rings four times.

This one is extra weird (see my first music post). Even though we stretch out Zombie Dressing Room way after the dressing room scene is over and into the Shax in hell scene, it still manages to work in 4 new tubular bell rings that aren’t there in the score, and we never hear the same ending as on the album. 

S2E5 - 00:05 - 10:14 l Song : Reprise - Something Terrible Shax requisitions troops and gathers her legion. A bell rings five times.

This one is tricky because Shax’s scene in hell is cut up 5 times, but you probably see where this is going: every time we cut back to Shax there’s a new bell rings once that wasn’t in the recording.  

S2E5 - 29:56 l Song : Shax Shax arrives from Hell in the elevbator to attack the bookshop. A bell rings six times.

This is the last time in the season when we hear extra tubular bells. In a pretty bizarre turn of events, the demons Shax has mustered have walked in from down the street, but Shax takes the elevator to arrive at the bookshop. What a way to treat your troops. In any case, we get a final song that doesn’t get the ending it deserves, and gets cut off in favour of a reprise.

Taco Bell: Live Confused So why put so much effort into signalling these 6 specific actions with bell tolls? The first three are clearly Aziraphale & Crowley related, while the second three are Shax related. (All the Shax actions accompanied by bells have flashing lights above Shax.) Could this be a way of signalling we are halfway to the second coming, 6 hours until midnight on the armageddon clock? Or something else entirely?

Every time we hear the added bells, the soundtrack in the show deviates from the planned endings written for the album. Are these mistakes in the timeline, that were never supposed to happen in the ineffable plan? I guess we'll all be listening together for tubular bells in season 3... -------------------------------- Thanks to @embracing-the-ineffable for the encouragement, and the Ineffable detective agency for all their hard work. Part 1 is here!

[sam-keeper]

The Visitor aka STRIDULUM (1979)

Ha ha yeah, wooo YEAH

da daaaaa dadadaDAA DAAA DAAAAAAA DADADAAAAA DADADADADA DA DAAAAA YEAH!!!!

This is the most prog rock movie I've ever seen in my life. This is spiritually being painted on the side of a van. Does it have a good plot that makes sense? I don't know, asshole, does Emerson Lake and Palmer's seminal classic Karn Evil 9 part 2 have a good plot that makes sense? I'm telling my kids The Visitor (1979) is Star Wars.

I noticed a pattern when looking at other reviews of this film: they fall back on comparisons, as a slight. Well, it's sort of The Omen, and it's sort of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and it's sort of Carrie, and a little Battlestar Galactica and maybe The Birds... which all sounds very derivative, I suppose, until you actually a movie smashing all those things together, and realize, wait a minute, that's bonkers. It feels like critics grasp for these comparisons while foundering in The Visitor's psychedelic sea, desperate for a point of stability. None of these references offer stable landmarks, though, if you hope to predict where the film will veer next in its crazy pursuit of cool ideas and weird setpieces.

Not that the comparisons are totally off base, mind. This IS the story of Katy Collins, a Wicked Little Kid in the vein of the Omen's Damien or Carrie's... Carrie. It's just that this generic convention of the Bad Seed gets set up at the beginning of the film with a bizarre cosmic encounter between an old space wizard and an apparition of the devilish little girl in what looks like a blizzard on mars, followed by a whole ass monologue by "A Jesus Figure" about cosmic psychic spirits of good and evil dueling it out across the planets, delivered to a bunch of bald, white robed children. Hell yeah. But! But. Katy Collins is otherwise a classic, average evil psychic kid who kills people with telekinesis. And uses it to rig professional basketball matches for her shitty step dad, possibly at the behest of the satanic businessmen he answers to who are REALLY giving some serious drone hive vibes what with the way they all turn their heads at the same time. Oh and she's got a pet hawk that murders people at her behest. No, trust me though, it's a really derivative movie. Not like the movies we have now like uhhhh

[sweating] uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Better touchstones than typical blockbuster fare might be the mind-expanding chaos of paperback epics--Clive Barker's Great and Secret Show, King's Dark Tower, Morrison's The Invisibles. Here's some other fun facts: it was directed by Giulio Paradisi (it's a heavily italian production) but he directed it under the brilliant name "Michael J Paradise". The italian title was "Stridulum", which I guess is latin for something like a harsh or shrill sound or shriek, which fits the whole repeating War Between Birds motif and the use of bird cries in the soundtrack. Oh, and one of the guys playing basketball in the first scene with Katy is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, actual famous athlete. It's sort of a bizarre and improbable movie!

But I don't think I'd be nearly so dazzled by all the crazy shit this film throws at the audience if not for Katy herself, played brilliantly by a young child star Paige Conner. She's written and performed in a way that suggests malice, yes, but a childish malice, a bit of a put-on, a belligerent front that gets more and more petulant and uncontrolled as John Huston as the space mystic Jerzy (yes) Colsowicz (get it) confronts her with the limits of her own powers. There's this sequence where Jerzy and Katy play pong against each other. Jerzy, smiling, accuses her cheating by speeding up the game with her powers. Katy, giggling genuinely, gloatingly informs him that no, she sped up the game using a switch on the game console. Later in the film she tries to drop a fire escape on his head, of course. In that conversation, though, there's this charming chemistry between them, the chemistry of a smart young person and an older adult willing to treat her, not as a peer exactly, but as a thinking being, not just a Thing to be smacked into shape. This dynamic is crucial to the climax of the film and its ultimate conviction that no matter how ghastly Katy is, there's more than just evil to her, which might not be the most seasonally horror-forward message but is honestly pretty damn refreshing. Like I don't know if The Visitor is as good a film as The Omen (ok, I know that obviously it's not) but on balance it's probably got its heart more in the right place. Perhaps notably along those lines, one of the horror subplots of The Omen involves possibility of a woman getting an abortion, whereas The Visitor explores the possibility of a woman being impregnated against her will. While it may lose out on form, The Visitor might just win the long game on its politics.

Also some shitty teens get thrown through a plate glass window, and there's a whole sequence where a big truck's lights are treated exactly like an approaching spacecraft, and it's awesome, I don't know what to tell you, I love this shit.

Read more horror reviews like this all season on my Patreon

[your-favorite-god]

Vita nostra aeterna pt 1

Wednesday's child is full of woe, ep 1

I’m not sure whose twisted idea it was to put hundreds of adolescents in underfunded schools run by people whose dreams were crushed years ago… but I admire the sadism. 

A monochromatic girl walked the halls of a seemingly normal high school, walking swiftly when she turned and pulled open a locker. Out falls her younger brother, Pugsley.

 “ I want names.”

‘I don't know who they were, honest! It happened so fast…”, the boy panics. He didn't want to witness the outcome of whatever his sister did. 

“Pugsley, emotion equals weakness. Pull yourself together.” As her brother continued to squirm and whimper Wednesday tried to start a sentence but was rudely interrupted. Images of what had happened before, her head thrown back as she saw the horrid jocks jeering at her little brother while they tormented him. “Wednesday?”

I’m not about to confess to my brother that I’ve recently been plagued by visions. They come on without warning and feel like electroshock therapy, but without the satisfying afterburn. 

“Leave this to me”,  Wednesday says as she promptly walks away. “Wednesday? What are you gonna do?” Pugsley questions, now free from his restraints. 

“What I do best.”

Endears POV:

“Wednesday, you know I always love your company. But is now the time? I was just about to tell Christina what happened at that gathering her precious Jonathan attended before class started”

She stares at me with a bag of piranhas in hand,” Cara, do you still have the peroxyacetic acid you made?” I look at her with a raised brow, “Of course I do, why?”. “Those fools hog-tied Pugsley and shoved him in his locker. I intend to teach them a lesson.” 

I can see how this might be confusing for you, allow me to briefly explain. Wednesday Addams is what most would call my best friend. 

Soulmate.

Shush ma morelle, anyways, we met a decade ago in the woods. She intruded upon my home and I found her very cute. So I decided to stay with her, my adorable little human. I came with her to her home and have continued to live with her family. I've even joined her in this boring little hovel named school. Or Should I say schools, we’ve been to many. Wednesday has this horrible habit of getting caught. 

It’s more satisfying to watch the looks on my victims' faces. 

As you can see, Wednesday has no appreciation for subtlety. But we’re just getting to the fun part, so let us get back to it. 

“Well then, allow me to raise you a better idea. Thallium in the principal's coffee. I’d prefer to avoid life on the run for now.” Wednesday pauses for a second, then looks at me with her version of loving eyes. “Brilliant mi vida, as always.” 

And off we went.

Non, Je ne regrette rien - Edith Piaf | Wednesday Soundtrack | Wednesday drops piranhas in the pool

We had stepped through the doors of the practice room as I heard the jocks mutter to themselves, 

“ Yo Dalton look, pigsleys sister and her weird ass friend. Hey, freaks! This is a closed practice!” 

Wednesday leveled them with her usual murderous stare as she spoke,” The only person that gets to torture my brother is me.” 

Nothing delighted me more than the fear on everyone's faces as she dropped the bag of piranhas into the pool, blood seeping into the normally crystal-blue chlorine-filled water. And that is how we landed ourselves here. In the Addams family car with Wednesday's parents, Morticia and Gomez. They were singing In Dreams as they doted on one another, Wednesday was brooding next to me. Unsatisfied with being shipped away to her parents' former school. “Darling, how long do you intend on giving us the cold shoulder?” Morticia spoke as Gomez continued to kiss her arm and neck. 

“Lurch, please remind my parents that I’m no longer speaking to them,” Wednesday replies, making me grin. I love it when she's like this, all petulant and ruffled, most of the time it means I’ll get to play around while she's busy thinking and sulking.  Her mother hums as her father tries to persuade his daughter,” I promise you, my little viper, you will love Nevermore. Won’t she, Tish?”  “Of course. It’s the perfect school for her. For them both really.” This irks Wednesday as she replies, “ Why? Because it was the perfect school for you? I have no interest in following in your footsteps. Becoming captain of the fencing team, Queen of the dark prom, president of the seance society.” Morticia looks at Wednesday with a serene face, always ever so calm and poised. “I merely meant that finally, you will be among peers who understand you. Maybe you’ll even make some friends.” Gomez looks at Wednesday with his signature grin,” Nevermore is like no other boarding school. It’s a magical place. It’s where I met your mother.” “and we fell in love.” They look at each other with this mutually infatuated gaze and sigh. Wednesday's eyes darken, if that's possible,” You guys are making me nauseous. And not in a good way.” They looked at her again” Darling, we aren’t the ones who got you expelled. That boy’s family was going to file attempted murder charges. How would that have looked on your record?” Wednesday looked off as her eyes widened slightly,” terrible. Everyone would know I failed to get the job done.” At that I couldn't keep it in, I chuckled as the little family smirked at me. Save for Wednesday of course who was still very occupied with her brooding. 

My my, this was going to be a fun new adventure. I can feel it. 

As we drove through the strong… iron… gates of this new school, morticia made mention od the weather. An admirable attempt at small talk through the thick silence, normally i would be the one to break it but wednesday specifically told me to give her parents the cold shoulder. If I’m being honest i dont entirely understand why but she looked so cutr and annoyed when she asked in her own way. How did she word it again? Oh yes, i was to be silent or else she would lock me in a tower and take all my jewelry. And my tongue. 

3rd POV

Finally the small family unit had made it to the principals office, greeted by Larissa weems.

“Wednesday is certainly a unique name, i'm guessing it was the day you were born?” she spoke with a grin, after everyone had taken their appropriate seat. Save of course for endeara, she preferred to stand. Tall in her red bottom pumps and silk blouse, she had taken her place behind wednesday, gazing at her new principle with a veiled look of boredom and small smile.

“I was born on friday the 13th.” wednesday quickly rectified, as morticia followed, “Her name comes from a line from my favorite nursery rhyme, Wednesdays child is full of woe.” 

“You always had a unique perspective on the world morticia, did your mother tell you we used to be roomates?” Principle weems said  fondly, her welcoming facade staying strong through the addam’s penetrating gazes. 

“And you graduated with your sanity intact? Impressive.” wednesday spoke again. The topic quickly changed as the principle spoke of her and endearas “interesting educational journey.” 

“Eight schools in five years?” Weems questioned,” They havent built one strong enough to hold us. I’m sure this one wont be any different.” wednesday replied with her same bluntness.  Endeara simply smiled as her parents bristled and were about to reply,” Thats just wednesdays way of trying to say she is very excited for this new opportunity. As am i, and thank you for giving us such a gift.” their new principle seemed to fully take in endeara then, all elegance and playful smiles as she dressed in her small red bottomed pumps and silk black blouse. 

“Nevermore doesn’t usually accept students mid-term, but given their perfect grades and your family’s long history with the school, I’ve spoken with the board and we’ve made an exception.” Weems said simply as the addams parents joined hands in satisfaction, “what about their um,... therapy sessions? The court ordered them.” morticia eyed her daughter as she spoke, hesitant to ask. “The school school has a relationship with a therapist in jericho, she can meet twice a week.” they all looked to wednesday as gomez spoke,” did you hear that my little storm cloud? Youre in excellent hands.” 

“We’ll see if she survives the first session” wednesday quipped back, her gaze unwavering to the woman in front of her as mortica and endeara grinned at her as well. 

The principle resumed again, unbothered. Truly impressing endeara as she spoke again,” ive assigned wednesday to her mothers old dorm. Ophelia hall.” morticia gasps and chuckles excitedly as wednesday turns to her and says,” refresh my memory. Ophelia’s the one who kills herself after being driven mad by her family, correct?” morticia nods happily as the principle leans forward with a plastered grin 

“Shall we go meet your new roommate?’

Endearas POV

We go to wednesdays new dorm and its… something. The family is stunned as morticia speaks,” its so… vivid.” The girl, the new roommate, looks at me and gasps excitedly “Howdy roomie!” and i have to bite my lips from cackling. I mean this is just beautiful, but our principle steals all the fun and introduces wednesday. “wednesday , this is enid sinclair.” Enid looks to from me to wednesday confused, maybe even disappointed, as she asks,” are you okay? You look a little pale.” and mortica smiles as she explains,”wednesday always looks half dead.” “its genetic” i whisper, smiling at the girl. Enid goes in for a hug from wednesday as we both step back, she looks disheartened as she mumbles,” not a hugger. Got it.” morticia pipes up again,”please excuse wednesday. She’s allergic to color.” enid looks shocked,” oh wow. What happens to you?”

“I break out in hives and then the flesh peels from my bones.” this is when our principle speaks again,” luckily weve special ordered your and endears new uniforms. Enid, please take them to the registrar’s office to pick it up along with her schedule, and give them a tour along the way.”

I whisper quietly to Wednesday, ”If they dare put me in cheap, scratchy, suffocating material…i will raze this school to the ground.” Wednesday almost smirks as the Addams look at me in pride and the other two look at me in horror. This tour better be good. 

[ussgallifrey]

(She Moves With) Shameless Wonder | 23

✦ Summary: Your badge clearly said SHIELD consultant, so you weren’t entirely sure where Fury was getting this whole make you an Avenger idea from. But you had a feeling it might have something to do with the recent discovery of an artifact at the bottom of the Arctic Sea.

✦ Pairing: Steve Rogers x Female Reader

✦ Warnings: Canon divergence, dialogue taken directly from Avengers: Age of Ultron, allusions of accepting death, blood, careless mistakes, dark visions, drowning, injuries, mass injuries & casualties, minor medical violence, language, references to 9/11, references to trauma suffered by Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers' mental prowess, Thor making brash decisions, violence

✦ Word Count: 11.3k

✦ Playlist: Here

✦ Cinematic Soundtrack: Here

✦ Author's Note: Okay, yeah, this one is a heavier chapter. I had a joy writing it, though. One thing that always irked me with the movie was how every Avenger suffered through a terrible vision when Wanda used her powers upon them. And originally Steve was supposed to be dealing with the guilt he had over never going back for Bucky. And, instead, we got that entire dance hall scene with Peggy. I don't know, it just sort of rubbed me the wrong way. So, in this chapter, I promised myself I would properly traumatize the poor man. Enjoy!

[Master List]

“Well, that answers it then.”

Steve’s eyes travel to the imposing figure of Thor as the god summons his hammer and begins striding out of the lab. There’s a beat of silence as the team collectively turns to watch him go.

“Okay, hold on,” you say, hurrying after the god.

Tony looks at the supersoldier with a knowing gaze of amusement. Steve’s mouth gapes, opening and closing like a fish out of water before he wordlessly turns and follows after the two of you.

The God of Thunder is already on the stairs, halfway up to the next floor with you a few steps below.

“I’m sorry, in what world do you think we should just be running out of here at the first drop of possible intel?”

“Oh, apologies. Would you prefer that we, what, lay around here and dig through old files while the real enemy is at play? Even you are too wise for that, Olympian.”

With a finger resting above your brow, you turn to look at Steve, your face drawn with clear exasperation.

“You understand what I’m saying, right?” you ask with a vaguely pleading tone.

Steve gives you an affirming nod.

“Thor,” he calls up. “If we jump on the first thing we find, we could be missing the bigger picture.”

“Or, we could just get refused entry into another country. Seems like we’re racking those up nowadays,” the goddess snarks.

You both watch as the Asgardian heaves a long sigh, his fingers flexing along the shaft of Mjolnir as he comes to his decision.

“Come on,” you implore, taking another step closer, your hand outstretched toward him, ready to put aside your own frustrations in favor of a peaceful resolution.

After a beat, Thor reluctantly descends the stairs, ignoring your hand entirely as he breezes past the two of you. You let out a little sigh as he passes, turning your attention back to Steve.

“He’s always been like that. Quick to judgment, quick to action, quick to… anger.”

At that, you absently rub the back of your neck. The fleeting image of an old memory dances in your eyes, one that seems entirely unpleasant. He distantly recalls the fact that your people hadn’t always been on such friendly terms as you are now.

Steve settles you with a warm look.

“We’ll figure this out,” he promises.

“Yeah, hopefully before the rest of them start jumping to the same conclusions and try to fly off to the horn of Africa.”

He offers you a chuckle at that, his hand coming to rest on your shoulder as you both return to the lab. The others have converged around the main workbench that Tony and Bruce had been situated at, while Thor seems to be remaining despondently annoyed near the windows overlooking the city.

“Okay, well this Sarkissian might be worth looking into,” Nat says with an open file in her hand. “There’s like eight other names here too.”

You glance up at him with a sudden assuredness in your eyes. Steve squeezes your shoulder as you move to join the group.

Since their short departure, the billionaire has situated himself at Maria’s laptop, typing away while conversing at Bruce over his shoulder. The other scientist seems unfazed and partially disinterested in whatever it is Tony is saying, too busy with his own stack of files to look up and acknowledge him.

“Here,” you smile, offering him up another stack.

Steve flashes you a smile as he glances down at the Cyrillic letters.

“Those two,” you glance over at Tony and Bruce, “Are currently working out some formula to locate Klaue. I give it an hour before they try to make for the jet.”

“So, we better get working?” he raises his brows, a smirk tugging at his lips.

In the span of forty-five minutes, you’ve uncovered a connection between Strucker and Georges Batroc. However, a quick call to Maria confirms that the mercenary is still secured behind bars. Steve finds multiple mentions of a задача мастер, which Nat informs him translates roughly to Task Master, probably a pseudo name for some lower-level manager on the HYDRA ladder if she had to hazard a guess. Someone finds a few references to an Allegra de Fontaine as well, but there’s no real record on any database that Clint can seem to find.

Which leads to Tony clapping his hands together after a quick stretch of his shoulders.

“Alright, I’m calling it. We’re going to Johannesburg, well you probably are,” he amends, pointing at everyone but himself. “I want to nip this shit while we can. Hence, scoot.”

He waves his hands dismissively, as if excusing them all from his presence.

You give a long-suffering sigh, smacking a folder closed on yet another file.

“I don’t think it’s the right path, Tony.”

“Ah,” Thor chuckles, heartless in his tone. “You would rather have us holed up in this tower then? Hmmm? Or shall we allow Strucker to take hold of the scepter once again? Perhaps he can accomplish his goals at last.”

The reminder of the Leviathan shell at the base of Strucker’s operation rings hauntingly through Steve’s thoughts. He had perused the files after Maria’s meeting the other day. He knew all about the Baron’s plans for crafting mechanical nightmares out of alien tanks.

“That’s not - ” you rub your hand over your forehead before rolling your shoulders back to give your fellow god a look, “- if we get this wrong, if we follow the wrong lead, not only do we have Strucker and the scepter to contend with, but Ultron as well. Have we truly eliminated every possibility for what Ultron could have been seeking information on?”

There’s a shattering stillness that permeates the lab. Sam and Steve share a silent exchange, a few questions coming to mind in the brief silence.

“Look,” Tony coughs after a minute. “I’m not saying it’s a great lead, but it’s our only one that, right now, could be an immediate threat. This thing gets its hands on vibranium? I’m telling you, we’re going to be in over our heads.”

“Fine,” you wave your arms in defeat, settling back on the stool.

“And hey,” the billionaire rounds the table to gently smack you on the shoulder, “if you’re really feeling all deadset on this, hang back this round and keep digging. God knows you’ll be the one to find something in this mess, Goddess of Knowledge and all that.”

With a cursory look around the lab, Steve clenches his jaw. It looked like a tornado had ripped through the place, with stacks of empty boxes and piles of papers and files strewn about the floor and every other available surface.

It takes only a few minutes longer to decide who will be going on the mission.

When Steve returns to the lounge area, already suited up with his helmet in hand and shield resting on his back, he finds you. Standing near the recently plastic-covered windows. Tony was waiting for his window guy to install them on Wednesday, apparently. You’re conversing with Nat when he emerges from the elevator.

His gaze travels up to the ceiling where a beam of golden light halos the room and where your plummed helm descends from an otherworldly realm. Into your hands, it drops.

“Here, just in case,” you smile, handing it over to the spy.

Nat shakes her head, glancing over at Steve as he approaches.

“He’s really got a thing about it, doesn’t he?”

“Hey,” you shrug. “If it helps it helps. Anyway, keep safe. Any luck and I’ll see you and that scepter back here in a few hours' time.”

The redhead offers you a smile and then Steve one as well before she, and the helm, head in the direction of the lab. The supersoldier turns, watching until he’s certain she’s disappeared from both sight and earshot before he returns his attention to you.

Rubbing your hands up and down your arms, you offer him a simple, “Hey.”

He lets the silence simmer for a moment longer as he takes in your every feature.

“I know that look.”

Turning your head, you settle him with a curious expression.

“Is that right?”

Steve nods.

“You think we’re about to do something stupid.”

“No,” you push your elbow into his arm. “I know you’re going to do something stupid. I’m just afraid we’re missing something important though, it’s the only reason I’m staying behind. It’s like… I have the puzzle pieces, just not in order yet.”

His face screws slightly at the insult, unable to let it slip past, “Wait, what exactly do you mean I’m going to do something - ”

“I don’t know, jump out of a moving helicarrier or something of the sort?”

“Okay,” he turns on you, flashing a playful smile. “That was one time.”

“Crashing a plane with explosives on board, then. Or, letting a superpowered man smash all of your facial bones to dust.”

At that, he can’t help but wince at the memory. Partly due to the physical pain he can recall from the instance, but mostly due to Bucky. The deeply rooted emotional pain that seeped into his very blood and turned his mind sour. That was, and still remains, the biggest sore point in his day-to-day life.

Your face falls, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to - ”

“No,” he supplies, fixing you with a look that makes it known that he’s not offended. “You’re right, it was… stupid.”

Letting out a sigh, you push your entire right side into his left, dropping your head down before shyly glancing back up at him.

“You did what you had to do in the moment. You always do. Just… try to avoid any scepters to the chest and… aim for the head of any robot you come across.”

Steve lets out a little chuckle, using his free hand to wrap around your waist and draw you even closer into his side. You tilt up into the warmth of your shared body heat and meet his eyes with a dazzling expression that Steve can only describe as purely divine.

“Yes, ma’am,” he murmurs, letting his lips drift down to the crown of your head where he places a feather-light, barely-there, kiss.

As Tony types aimlessly away in the corner of the lab, lips pursed and forehead lines drawn taunt, you pursue yet another ancient file. One that had clearly been tucked away sometime before the invention of the personal computer, as half of the file had been blacked out with marker.

Holding your hair back with your own hand, you read through the lines of Russian reports. It was a rarity to have proper KGB files left in HYDRA / SHIELD’s hands, but you had certainly lucked out with this particular box.

The billionaire gives a long, drawn-out sigh as he pulls away from the table to rub his eyes with the backs of his hands.

“Words blurring together yet?” you ask.

“Nearly.”

Running a hand across his jaw, he stands and makes his way over to you. With one hand on the table and the other on your left shoulder, he peers down at your current reading.

“Anything good?”

“Old intel mostly, a few commander names here and there, but I have to assume most of them are long since dead at this point. There’s mentions of a base in Siberia, a dinner party with the American U.N. Ambassador set for March 1973 - ”

At that, Tony scoffs.

“ - and about a dozen mentions of the Red Guardian and the Winter Soldier.”

He blinks, “Oh shit.”

You hum in reply, flipping the page to reveal a sepia-toned portrait of the Guardian. Tony leans back against the workbench then, picking up the file for himself.

“Anything… useful to, you know, Rogers’ mission?”

You give a shake of your head, “No, unfortunately. It just mentioned his name in passing. The Asset was sent to deal with Kuznetov, the Winter Soldier was apprehended in Samara, the Soldier brought out of stasis for the mission.”

He flips another page before dropping it back in front of you, “Jesus.”

“Yeah.”

“But…” he seems to take an extra second to consider his next few words, “You don’t think Barnes is…?”

It takes you all of five seconds to consider the notion, before you ultimately shake your head, “Highly unlikely, if nearly improbable. If you can’t find him with all of your tech, how would Ultron manage such a feat? And even if he did, I don’t think Bucky would be assisting him willingly.”

“Alright,” he sighs, glancing back at his own workstation a few feet away. “Let me know if you find anything of use.”

“Will do,” you reply, already pulling out the next folder in the pile. But then you look up, just as he gets back to his seat. “Any word yet? From the team?”

He gives you a low smile, curled up at the edges as he flicks at a few buttons on his keyboard, “Just over the equator now, ETA twenty minutes.”

You give Tony a nod of thanks, before returning to the mess of files in front of you. While you had nearly limited down Strucker’s known accomplices, you were certain there was something bigger that you were missing. But as you dug in deeper and deeper, the small details became increasingly harder to look away from. Like staring at a Seurat painting and being unable to see the cheerful Sunday afternoon around all of the dots.

Just as you’re about to grab another box, your eyes catch sight of movement just outside of the lab.

“Hey,” you call. “You heading out?”

Sam, with a bag tugged over his right shoulder, trudges up the stairs to the otherwise empty lab. He gives you a little shrug.

“I got a day job, you know.”

“And here I thought your day job was chasing James Barnes across central Europe.”

Tony snorts, not even bothering to look up from his phone.

“Might as well be,” Sam drones, dropping onto the stool opposite yours.

While the rest of the team - you and Tony excluded - had all left for South Africa nearly forty minutes ago, the man across from you had decided to call it quits for the time being.

“Nah, I gotta check in on my Ma and Sarah while I got the time,” he answers.

To the best of your understanding, Sam wasn’t officially an Avenger, similar to Rhodes. Though he might as well have been, considering the amount of time he had been putting in on the HYDRA raids. Or, so Steve had told you over your various meet-ups this past year.

“That’s got to be nice at least,” you smile. “You mentioned something about a new nephew?”

He instantly breaks out into a radiant smile, “Yeah. Cass. I’m telling you, that kid is cute as hell. And as much as I love running around next to America’s golden boy all day, I’m not gonna miss out on this kid’s childhood. Gotta claim that Cool Uncle status early on.”

You give a returning laugh, “Well, never let me be one to keep you from that.”

He hops up from the stool and holds out a hand for you to shake, “Don’t be a stranger now.”

“Never.”

He’s all of three steps out of the lab, nearly on his way to freedom, when Maria runs right into him,

“Sorry, Sam,” she apologizes, almost out of breath as she strides into the lab, her gaze set directly on you.

On instinct, you stand from the table, eyeing her approach. Sam has stopped as well, turning his attention back to the two of you. And Tony’s already headed your way as well.

“I need you to suit up.”

“What’s happened?”

You glance over at the billionaire. If the team was already in trouble in Johannesburg…

She gives a light sigh, swiping something on her tablet before she turns it around for you to see.

“We’ve found Emil Blonsky.”

The name and the memory of the man rumbles around in your head as the Twitter video loops for a second time. A stone pillar is uprooted and thrown down a noisy street, people scream as the camera goes shaky.

“Where?”

“London.”

Tony huffs, “Awfully convenient.”

When both you and Maria turn to look at him, he merely rolls his shoulders.

“What? I’m just saying. Little too coincidental to have him crawling out of the woodwork, in a major city, while we’re locking in on Klaue.”

You shake your head, “He was MIA prior to SHIELD’s downfall. I had been sent to locate him before… everything with the helicarriers above the Potomac even happened.”

“Okay then,” he drops his hands. “Coincidence, not correlation.”

“Seven?” Maria implores.

“Yeah. I got it,” you sigh, already feeling the tension creeping through your shoulders. “I mean, what’s another round with the Abomination?”

Steve rocks his head back against the wall of the quinjet, eyes closed as he prepares himself for the ensuing fight. It would be a fight, he knew that much. Tony had told them the specs of what exactly it was they would be walking into. A group of armed guards and several civilians would be in the ship Klaue was using as his personal shop.

“So…”

His eyes blink open at the sound of Nat.

She only spares him a look as she loads her pistols, though her interest is much more apparent.

“Are you guys an item yet?”

When he only responds with a groan, she smirks. It was worse than when she was actively trying to set him up with his fellow SHIELD agents at the beginning of his time in D.C.

Banner’s seated across from him on the benches as well. He’s only there in case things need to be moved to a Code Green. But, despite the impending possibility of the Hulk coming out, he smirks at Steve. Apparently, even he was in the gossip loop now.

“Barton wanted to know if we should throw a party for you guys when we get back,” Nat continues, unbothered as she secures her weapons.

He fixes her with a look; a tired and all too annoyed look.

“Aww,” she coos, gently tapping his cheek. “You’ll get there sooner or later, Cap.”

“Are you done?”

“Hey, three-minute ETA!” Clint calls out from the pilot’s seat.

She offers him a curved smile as she hovers over him, hands balanced on the overhead bars, “For now.”

As she saunters back to the head of the jet, Steve grabs hold of his helmet and pulls the straps into place. He stares down at the glint and glimmer of the shield on the floor next to his foot.

“It’s… sweet.”

Steve looks up, surprised that Bruce wants to continue whatever this is.

“What is?”

“You and… Athena. I know,” he holds up a defensive hand as Steve goes to refute it. “None of our business, but… it’s kind of hard to just ignore it.”

He huffs, moving to stand as he feels the jet begin its descent.

“Everyone seems to manage with whatever Clint and Nat have going on just fine.”

Bruce shrugs, “They’re in our face nearly every day; we’ve become desensitized to it. You two though… I don’t know, man.”

Steve offers him a sigh as he looks back at the scientist.

“There’s nothing going on there.”

He laughs instead, “I got the message. I’ll shut up about it.”

With a thankful smile, Steve heads toward the cockpit just as the quinjet settles down into a grove of trees near the shoreline.

The tide has long since receded when they approach the ship. Steve watches on as a crew of men come flying down the embarkment ladder, running like their very lives depended on it.

“Well,” Clint intones, fixing his bow. “That doesn’t look too promising.”

The men stumble on the wet sand, but no one seems keen on sticking around longer than necessary as they make for the beach.

“Let’s get moving,” he commands, headed for the ladder.

Deep within the belly of the vessel, the emergency lights flicker their ominous warning to the group. The ringing sound of raised voices draws them further into the darkness. One voice, above all others, he recognizes almost instantly.

“You will be of use to me yet.”

As they round the corner, weapons drawn and gazes fixed, they come face to face with the bot that had escaped from the tower. But… it’s different. More put together, more metallic, less… friendly peacekeeping Stark drone. The white plastic shell remains, but the haphazard wiring that had been pulled apart during the fight at the tower has been fully repaired; patched.

Klaue nudges at his henchman and they quickly disappear down the opposing gangway, but that’s not where their focus needs to be right now. Klaue will be dealt with another day. Ultron is where their concern lies.

“I’m not seeing a scepter,” Nat whispers in hushed tones.

“So…” Clint calls out, “What’s with the vibranium?”

Nat readies her guns, Thor tightens his grip on his hammer, Steve fixes his posture and braces himself.

The drone tilts his head to the side, almost humanlike in the maneuver.

“Barton, Clinton Francis. Would you like me to tell you my plan? Is that an effective use of my time here? Perhaps it is…” 

“Enough!” Thor rumbles, throwing his hammer out toward the robot.

But, instead of sending the drone flying back into the wall, they all stare in slight horror as the bot grips hold of the straining hammer, turning its visual optics toward the God of Thunder. It blinks. 

“How… interesting.”

The hammer drops to the ground with a deafening clang. 

Steve watches it settle into the metal grates for just a second longer before arrows and bullets begin flying. He rushes forward, shield in hand as he leaps up to strike at its neck.

Mjolnir soars past him as he attempts to make contact, but a rough metallic arm pushes him back at the last second, sending him over the railing into the stack of weapon crates down below. As the world spins on edge, he can almost hear the sound of Natasha’s urgent calls, of electric ripples of lightning. But he pushes it all away as he moves to stand up. He sways on his feet, head heavy, and then something darts out of his peripheral.

Small, impish, the crouched figure slinks along the wall.

He throws his shield up at the last second as Ultron comes surging down toward him, the force of the robot sends him reeling right back into the crates. Electric blue light ignites just next to his prone body, which he quickly twists to avoid as Thor comes soaring down after the drone.

Steve can see Nat wandering down the stairs, slightly dazed, and he wants to call out to her, but then a girl appears in front of him. Short-statured, wide-eyed.

A kid.

A terrified-looking kid, standing in the middle of a deadly fight. He tries to sit up, but her dark eyes begin to glow red and he finds himself frozen in place.

“What…” he tries to say, but the words turn to sludge in his throat.

And then something pricks the side of his temple and his vision begins to swim.

“So, what’s the deal on Blonsky?” Sam asks, fully suited up as you guide him past the police barricade.

While Tony had offered to pull a suit out of storage to help out, you had said he would be better use to the team if anything went wrong with Klaue, or if Ultron showed up. Sam had been harder to push back. So, reluctantly, the two of you transported over to England in a quick jump.

“Uhm… a few years back the American government tried to recreate the supersoldier serum. Bruce got dosed first, things went… well, green. They wanted to take him down but, you know, Hulk. So, Emil Blonsky got another dose, but varied. And… the Abomination was born.”

You can hear the sound of aggravated, animalistic roars up ahead. The two of you pick up your pace.

“I helped get him into custody and he was on ice until someone, or something, broke him out. And he’s pretty much been off the radar ever since. Oh, and… he doesn’t get to come back, like Bruce. He’s just…”

The words you were about to say simmer out in your mouth as you round the corner where several tanks are positioned, armed soldiers at the ready.

“Like that,” you finish lamely.

Sam gawks at the creature in front of you, ripping apart the stairs in front of the Natural History Museum. You were just a stone’s throw away from Buckingham Palace. To your knowledge, the royal family was already being evacuated as a precaution.

Curious place for Blonsky to turn up though. He had to get here somehow; unseen. In a major city too. More puzzle pieces out of order, more questions to be answered.

“Like I said, stay clear. Don’t fly too low. You’re my backup, but you’re no match for this.”

Tony had questioned the idea of bringing Bruce in to help, but you quickly reminded him how that had turned out for Harlem all those years back. No, this was your problem now.

“All right,” you sigh, gripping your sheathed sword’s handle. “Let’s try not to die.”

Sam shoots you a wide-eyed look as you approach the creature.

“HEY. Blonsky!”

He turns, eyes narrowing as all of his attention focuses right on you. He drops a bent lamppost to the ground, which makes the concrete around it break under the weight.

Pulling your sword free, you twirl it around in your hand before dropping into a low stance, with your teeth bared and your eyes burning melted golden hues, you call out:

“Remember me?”

Steve blinks against the blur of red clouding his vision, the metallic taste of blood clings to his lips as he pushes up from the crates, shield in his exhausted grip as he surveys the damage. His movements feel slow; like he’s walking through molasses.

But then someone darts along the right wall.

And he recognizes that silhouette.

But the words in his mouth are deafened by a build-up of imaginary sand, so he stumbles after the person, trying to catch up to them instead.

They’re running now, faster than Steve can keep up with. And as he races down the corridors of the darkened ship, the pants of exalted breath turn to screams. Screams that grow louder, last longer. Torn vocal cords that are filleted open with a knife drench the walls in blood as that person begs for help, for mercy, for the pain to stop. And Steve can’t stop running now, chest aching as he tries to catch that person, that man.

He’s so close now, nearly catching his arm as he rounds one last corner.

And then… he’s on the bow of the ship.

The sliver of moonlight and pure starlight illuminates the terrified figure of Bucky Barnes, hunched near the railing, his hands covering his face as he shouts for Steve.

“God damnit! Why the hell did you just leave me?”

Steve takes a step forward, words desperate to spill out, but nothing falls from his lips. His mouth has been sewn shut.

No, Bucky. I’m sorry, God. I’m so sorry.

“End of the line, pal. That’s what you promised me.”

He’s standing up now, staring at the blonde with such unadulterated hatred, that Steve nearly shrinks against the power of it.

“Useless.”

He turns at the sudden change of voice that drifts from over his shoulder.

“Pathetic, can’t even save his best friend.”

Peggy Carter saunters across the ship, looking just like he last saw her in 1945. Red lips, bouncing curls, a heated look that stems from a place of disgust. She stands next to Bucky, a hand on her hip, another on his shoulder as she breaks him down with a single glare.

“Captain America, everyone.”

Rockets go off overhead. He watches the explosions in the pitch midnight skies, just for blood and guts to rain down on him. He furiously tries to wipe the sensation of sickly liquid from his eyes, crouching down as it hails upon him, obscuring his vision. He’s drowning under it.

But it’s not blood.

As his body begins to burn, his arms reach out - trying to grasp hold of anything, god anything - but his hands slice through the frozen Arctic waters. And he can feel it burning his throat, his lungs. Helpless bubbles escape his lips, but his screams can’t be heard through the silence of an endless void. Dark as the evening sky, endless as a black hole.

His body sinks as all feeling is drawn from his extremities, and he is cold, oh so very cold. So cold that he burns. And he is alone. Completely alone.

And he has failed.

Failed them all.

As his vision swims in and out of focus and he accepts his fate, his body submerging further and further, his failures fill his mind.

The names and the people he had never managed to save.

Their cries.

Their screams.

He deserves this.

This terrible fate.

It is his to grab, his consolation prize.

He sinks to the ocean floor.

“NO! You’re just making him angrier!” You call out, with your hands around Blonsky’s neck as he tries to throw you against the exterior walls of the museum.

“YOU SAID USE MY FLARES.”

“Not while I’m on him!” You roar as he manages to knock you back even harder than the other seven times.

Sam circles around, lining up his sights just in front of the steps.

The tanks had already used up some of their ammo before the soldiers realized that the Abomination was practically indestructible. Which left you to deal with the creature’s renewed anger as he threw a tank directly at Sam.

He had managed to twist out of the way in time, but it definitely landed somewhere near Harrods. Sirens had been going off nonstop since your encounter began and the screams of terrified civilians had mostly faded away as the evacuation of the city took place.

Where the hell was Sersi when you needed her?

“Oh, come on!”

Blonsky shoulders the pillar outside of the museum, making rubble and roofing collapse down upon the two of you.

Using your strength to push it off, you find yourself pulled up by the ankle. His monstrous hand wraps itself around your limb, pulling you high over the steps of the museum’s entrance.

“Puny.”

You manage to pull yourself up enough to look at him, “What did you call me?”

He smirks, fanged teeth gleaming a sickly yellow as he shakes your limp form like a ragdoll before pulling back and tossing you.

Your body soars through the air before a rough set of arms wraps around you.

“Got you!” Sam shouts as he leans right, trying to avoid a ball of concrete thrown at the two of you.

“God, he’s relentless.”

You fix the Falcon with a look that says all that you were unwilling to scream in Sam’s face as he quickly deposits you back on the ground.

“He’s really starting to piss me off.”

You barely manage to veer out of the way of a lamppost.

“What a shame.”

Against the frozen waters, against his own body’s desire to let go, he blinks open his eyes.

“Ma?”

Sarah Rogers, not looking a day over thirty, glances up at him from her rocking chair near the fireplace, her knitting needles in hand. Though she puts them down as she settles him with a tired look.

“I thought I had raised you better than that?”

Steve blinks a second time, then a third.

His hands drop down to his sides as his feet settle onto the solid wood floor of their old tenement apartment. He glances behind him, at the lone window. It’s a sea of darkness outside. The only light permeates from his mother’s glow and the low embers of the flickering flames.

“Did I raise you like that?”

“No, ma’am,” he answers, quick and sure.

“I thought I told you to stand up. Never back down from a fight. Yet… here you are.”

She gestures vaguely at him, at the room.

Storm surge rocks against the old walls, coiling up and slamming the door with renewed force.

“You’re destined for something bigger than this and you’re not going to get your answers at the bottom of the sea, are you?”

He shakes his head, feeling every bit like a young child under his mother’s gaze.

She rises from her chair, darning set aside.

“Come on then. Straight back, chin up, eyes forward.”

He does exactly that, going to perfect attention. And he can almost feel the ghost of her hand on his cheek as she looks up at him with a long-forgotten admiration that only a mother’s eyes can give.

The powerful waves slam into the door once again, causing the wood to creak and the window’s glass to crack.

“Pull yourself up, Steve Rogers.”

The water rushes in, bursting through the windows and extinguishing the fire. His mother and the apartment are sucked up by the glossy darkness of the ocean. But he kicks his feet, strains against the burning in his lungs and his limbs, as he surges for the surface. Giving it everything he can as he rises, higher and higher. And he can almost see the light when a hand appears in front of his face -

“Hey, how many fingers am I holding up?”

He blinks against the sudden change, pulling back slightly and squeezing his eyes hard to fight against it.

“Come on, Cap. I can’t wrangle Nat and Thor by myself.”

And then reality settles back into place.

He lets out a breath.

He is Steve Rogers.

He is Captain America.

And he needs to shove his shit away and be a leader right now.

Pushing off from the crates, he eases himself up, with Clint’s help and a pained groan.

From across the floor of the ship, he can see Nat situated on the bottom of the grated stairs; head in hand. Thor is leaning against the railing up above them all. They both look like they’ve been through the wringer a few times over.

He stares at the archer, pulling his helmet off as he surveys the damage. There’s no sight of Ultron or the girl anywhere. Just four heroes lingering in their defeat.

“What the hell just happened?”

In the distance, he can hear the horrid sound of the Hulk’s screams echoing off of the ship’s walls.

“Let’s recap later?” Clint suggests, shouldering his bow as he moves to help Nat up.

Steve stares up at Thor, who’s already returning his look with one of pure fear. He’s never been so uneased before as he is seeing that haunted look in the god’s eyes. But their situation isn’t changing and standing here won’t even begin to help them, so he picks up his shield and does what he knows how to do; lead.

Sam flew too low, his wing’s been snapped right off the pack, and he is at the mercy of the Abomination.

“Come on, focus! You know you want to take it out of me. I’m the one who locked you away, remember?”

You’ve positioned yourself right in front of the other man, sword at the ready. Verbal threats spitting like fire from the tip of your tongue to distract him, to hold his focus away from the very vulnerable human behind you.

Blonsky brushes you to the side with a swipe of his massive arm, throwing you off balance. Sam backs down the steps of the museum’s entrance, armed and ready to fight. But he must know that mere bullets won’t even deter the creature.

And then, from across the white rooftops of the English city street, a charging whoosh rocks you both back, as fifty Legion bots come soaring to the rescue.

The Abomination does his best to beat them back, but they quickly overpower him, jumping on top of his back until he’s buried under the weight of metallic drones.

There, in the aftermath of destruction, surrounded by crumbling buildings and sirens and armed officers and broken tanks, Blonsky submits to his defeat. Pushing yourself back to your feet, sweat dripping from your brow, you sheath your sword.

“You good?” you call out to Sam.

He taps down his chest and thighs, a little breathless as he answers, “Still intact, still breathin’.”

You give him a nod. It was all you could hope for after that encounter. Moving toward him, you pick up the broken piece of his wing pack. He frowns at it.

“Thank god for Tony, at least.”

He looks over at the pile of drones, still squirming slightly as they try to keep the monster pinned down. Blonsky’s gilled face is peeking out from the bottom of the pile, he blows a raspberry with his tongue - unable to do much more than that.

“Must have fixed the interface or something,” you sigh, brushing at the dirt and grime on your bare arms. Striding over toward the pile, you ask the first bot you see, “Do we have transport ready?”

“Everything is ready to transport the Abomination,” comes the monotone reply.

You give them a nod, lightly tap Blonsky on the cheek - he growls in return, but is completely incapable of moving - before you return to Sam.

“Okay, let’s wrap this up. I’ll talk to the captain in charge and get everything secured.”

He absently rubs at his arm, staring at the pile of robots atop the mutated creature, “Bet Steve’s having a hell of a lot easier time than we just did.”

Giving a smile in return, you say, “We can only hope,” before you walk over to the approaching soldiers to finish off the last-minute details of Blonsky’s transfer. 

A group of journalists and camera-wielding reporters try to push past the barricade to get a good shot of the final moments, all eyes on Blonsky and Tony’s legion bots.

The tower is quietly humming when you and Sam pop back into the lab. Maria startles from behind her laptop. Her suit jacket is removed and she has her hair pulled back tight, with a troubling look on her face as you both laugh.

“Remind me to never team up with you again. No solo missions with the Warrior Queen,” Sam smirks, removing his goggles at last.

“I’ll try not to take that too much to heart,” you smile in return. But then your gaze meets the agent’s, and your joyful mood sinks. “What? What’s happened?”

“Tony. He’s had to call in Veronica.”

Sam’s head tilts to the side.

“Who’s Veronica?”

Maria sighs, “You mean what is Veronica.”

As you both turn to look at each other in confusion, she pulls up a video - a live feed - of a giant Iron Man suit currently pummeling Hulk into the pavement. Eyes widen in horror, you watch on as the cameraperson ducks into a doorway as the Hulk chucks a giant piece of concrete at the suit.

“What the hell happened?” Sam questions, hands poised on his hips.

“Unknown,” she clips. “Something attacked the away team - ”

You feel fear clutch at your throat like a skeletal hand.

“ - only Barton was able to get through to me. He’s got the others now, in the quinjet. But, obviously, Banner’s situation is becoming a concern.”

“I can go.”

Sam pushes at your arm, “You just took on a Hulk. And, no offense, if it wasn’t for the Legion jumping in - ”

“I had him on the ropes. He was getting worn down. Another chokehold and I would have - ”

Maria holds up a hand, silencing you both.

“Sam. What did you just say?”

He opens and closes his mouth for just a moment before he answers, “I get that she’s got the godly powers and all, but if it wasn’t for Stark’s pals coming in to save our asses, I’m not sure how great we’d be walking about from that all right now.”

She blinks.

“What are you talking about?”

“Tony, he sent in the Legion. There were like, what, fifty of them?” you question toward Sam, and he nods at your assessment.

“Stark didn’t - we didn’t. Oh my god.”

She spins away so fast, that you almost feel whiplash from it.

“Are you saying - ”

Maria already has a phone to her ear, “No we didn’t release any of the Legion, are you insane? Why would you think that - Yes, hello? Do you currently have the Abomination in hand?”

You take a step forward, brows furrowing, “I secured handover with Captain Randall myself.”

With a long-suffering sigh, she tucks the speaker into her neck. 

“While you might have done that, those drones clearly had something else in mind. He’s missing. And I can assure you, neither this tower nor the government sent in anyone other than the British military to assist in that operation.”

In an instant, your heart sinks, guilt and terror rising through your chest like hot magma as you question what have I done? Horrified eyes land on Sam, who looks equally startled by the revelation.

Maria listens to the caller for a minute more before she asks you, “Did they identify themselves?”

With delayed horror, you realize that, “No, they didn’t.”

“Okay, yes then. We are dealing with an armed force. Likely all stemming from a central command point. I am aware, yes - ” she trails off, moving out of the lab, but not before flashing her stern eyes at the two of you.

You drop down onto the nearest stool.

“How did I not know? How the hell did I not suspect - ”

Sam kneels down, holding a hand to your forearm, “I didn’t either. I didn’t say one damn word when I saw them.”

“But I should have known! Tony would have never let the Legion out this soon after the AI was corrupted. Cronus, they’re probably connected right to the rogue bot. And now, now, they have Strucker, and the scepter, and the Abomination!”

You scrub your hands down your face, dragging the skin in aggravation at your own pitiful lapse of intelligent thinking. How could you not have known or even suspected just for one second -

“Okay,” Maria sighs, returning to the lab. “One sliver of good news is that we have Banner in transport now. He’s unconscious, but he’s been secured. At least… that threat’s over.”

“But I’ve just made another one,” you surmise, shame drenching your expression.

Before she can even speak, something whips right past her - sending the loose papers from the file boxes flying up in a sudden flurry. They scatter across the room like falling leaves in autumn as you all turn to stare at the new presence in the room.

“You know,” the thick-accented boy with shock white hair gleams, arms crossed as he plucks his fingers against the edge of her laptop. “This place is not nearly as secure as you would expect it to be.”

Bruce is deposited like a heap in the middle of the jet. Tony drapes a thick grey blanket around his shoulders as he gives a cursory glance around at the rest of the battle-worn team.

When Steve had been pulled out of that vision, he didn’t expect to hear the Hulk’s roars. Let alone for Tony to suit up and send one of his strongest armors out against their fellow teammate. Even if it had been entirely necessary, considering the circumstances.

The billionaire’s eyes drift over to Steve, and whatever he sees in the supersoldier’s eyes makes him shudder and press forward with a strange rigidity to his posture.

He’s talking to Maria, that much he knows. But Steve can’t really make out any of the conversation as the images and the words from his vision float around in his mind. The blood and guts, Bucky and Peggy, drowning in an endless abyss of darkness and silence.

Across from him, Natasha is silent, curled in on herself on the bench. Her body silently quakes with violent tremors and her emerald eyes are distant, as though she’s still stuck in her own nightmare. Clint’s speaking to her in low tones, rubbing her back. Steve looks away.

“Blonsky, really?”

His ears perk up as he glances around the corner to see Tony perched at the controls, a phone pressed to his ear.

“And Wilson? Good on them, hope they make it in one piece.”

He gives a hollow laugh at his own joke, but his lips don’t even crack into a smile.

“No, we’re just gonna… keep off the radar and… I don’t know, figure it out.”

Steve looks down at his lap, his fingers are clenched together in a weak fist. There’s tension in his shoulders and he doesn’t know if he wants to exhale a breath or punch a wall. The dichotomy of his own feelings is so scrambled together that he’s not even entirely sure what he is feeling right now.

Only that he aches.

Aches in a way that even the sensation of drowning can’t fully encompass.

It feels like his head isn’t properly screwed on right now; like he took one too many blows. But he knows that isn’t the case. Hell, he was knocked over just like when he was 90 lbs soaking wet. He hadn’t even been a match for that singular robot. Let alone the girl.

Apparently, when he asked Thor and tried to question Natasha, he was the only one who had actually seen her face. Clint had shot at her, from behind, but she had been whisked away by the drone before she was able to force a painful vision upon him.

If that had been the girl that those files from Strucker had been referring to, then, Steve could only wonder, where the hell was the other one? The boy with enhanced speed?

But, as he stares at the broken expressions resting on his team’s faces, he decides that at this moment, he could honestly care less. So, he turns in on himself even further and closes his eyes. Willing the darkness behind his eyelids to not remind him of frozen Arctic waters.

“Where is he, the one with his name on the tower?” The boy aimlessly kicks at a stool. “Bombing another populace perhaps?”

Maria aims her gun at him, hammer cocked.

“You need to step away - ”

Before she can even finish the sentence, he’s standing beside you, holding your sword in hand.

You quickly pluck it from his grasp, staring in slight horror at the fact that you hadn’t even felt him grab it, let alone seen him move across the room.

“Touchy,” he comments playfully as he circles both you and Sam.

“The hell do you want, kid?”

The boy, who’s barely even a foot shorter than Sam, merely shrugs as he continues to move toward Maria, entirely unbothered by the Glock pointed at his face.

And then, like the slow-rising sun, it dawns on you.

“You’re the mutant, from Strucker’s lab.”

He pauses, for just a second to look at you before he rolls his shoulders and smiles, “Guilty.”

“What do you want?” your brows furrow.

“Peace, in our time.”

Sam leans his head toward you, “That sounds familiar.”

Maria huffs, “Been talking to the killer robot, have you?”

“See, he’s a very convincing man.”

“He’s manipulating you,” you say, plain and even.

The boy stops, turning to stare at your face. Something glimmers in his cool eyes, but he blinks it away.

“He said you would say that.”

Sam snorts, “How surprising.”

“Come on kid,” Maria implores. “That thing, whatever it promised you, is not worth it. He’s not going to be the thing that protects you or saves you. Either of you.”

His eyes sharpen at her final words.

“And you will? Friends of Stark? The man who drops bombs on babies and children? How about the man who watches a city crumble to ruins and walks away when he’s done in the spotlight?”

“You think Ultron can do better?”

He shrugs again, leaning against the workbench, “I don’t know. London looks good right now.”

Sam shoots you a look.

“But I digress,” he smiles, bashfully shaking out his hair before he meets your eyes. “For the Goddess of Knowledge, you really are oblivious.”

Your gaze hardens.

“Meaning?”

A shot rings out, blasting through the lab as an explosion rocks the floor - hardware and files shooting up into the air before crashing down upon the three of you, fire breaking out across the electronics, and the glass windows overlooking the lab below shatter.

You hold out your arm, blocking Sam from a falling file cabinet.

The boy’s already at the entrance to the lab, grinning ear to ear.

“What? You didn’t see that coming?”

As he zips away, disappearing in a flash, another face comes into view. A masked face.

“Hey, sweetheart. I was really wondering when we’d get to finish our little fight?”

The flashing red and white lights begin going off overhead as Maria pulls the fire alarm - a sharp wailing joins the chaos - as Rumlow points his gun directly at you and Sam.

You end up donkey-kicking Sam to the side as you roll to avoid his fire. The ex-STRIKE member gives a maniacal laugh as he chases you across the lab with his gun. Bullets ricochet across the workbenches and the walls as you dive and twist to avoid him.

“God, like shooting fish in a fucking barrel,” he gleams. You can’t see the smile behind his mask, but you can hear it in his voice. That sick voice of his.

“Incoming!” Sam hollers from across the room.

And you watch, in horror, as a Legion bot comes soaring past - right through the shattered windows into the secondary lab a floor below. 

Unwilling to have another failure, another moment pass you by, you take a bullet right to the calve as you jump up and go running after the drone. Followed by another to your left flank and shoulder. Through the broken window frame you go, cutting your skin in the process, as you crash onto the metal grated floor.

With thrumming terror in your chest, you can only stare as the robots around you - all that had been offline since the first breakout - now power on. Their blue optical lenses flash red for just the briefest of moments before they turn to look at you. And you see it before it happens, but you’re powerless to stop it as they surge toward you. As the physical force of the drones presses into you, you find yourself pushed further and further down the tunnel, toward the entrance; the exterior door of the tower.

Your body is pushed into the metal and you can feel your lungs burn as the weight settles against them and you can’t even let out a scream of rage before the door caves around you and you begin to freefall - with a hundred Legion members flying after you.

Like a swarm, the white-colored bots zoom past, surrounding you, crushing you, as you fall to the ground like a lead weight. The floors of the tower zoom past on your right, and you’re bracing yourself for impact as the air rushes up past you, and people begin screaming.

Your body lands with a sickening aftershock, caving through the pavement and the dirt, deep past the sewers, into the underground tunnel of the subway system.

For a few, terrifying moments, your head swims - your vision blurred and your heart beating out of your chest. Each and every extremity aches in a way that isn’t even describable. But, as the breath slowly releases from your weary lungs, you blink at the overhead halo of sunlight beaming down upon your prone form on the tracks.

And then, you sit up.

Pain eases from your back as you press up onto your knees, bits of gravel falling off your skin, before moving to your feet.

A roar, feral and animalistic shoots out from your throat as you call forward your weaponry and leap out of the massive hole that had been burrowed into the Earth.

The street is in pure chaos when you land on the sidewalk. Above you, the tower’s circled by a smoke plume. Someone crashes into you, and you try to righten to the woman, but she’s in such a state of panic that she just scrambles to her feet and continues running.

And that’s when, above the screams and the sirens, you hear the sound of creaking metal.

You take a step back, then another, and another.

Stark Tower is ablaze, a massive hole torn from the side of the structure where the bots had escaped. But the broken windows have flames billowing out of them like dragon’s breath. And nothing short of pure horror coats your body as you realize that it is happening again.

With fear powering you forward, you go running for the entrance to the building where hundreds of employees and agents are quickly exiting the doors of. The lobby is in shambles like a gunfight had taken place - where one very likely took place. But you push past the crowds of scared humans and make for the stairs.

But those too are crowded, nearly impassible.

Now, stuck with the realization of what was to come, you do all that you can do.

“Come on, this way! Hurry,” you call out, directing the flow of traffic. As the upper floors begin to creak and whine.

“What the hell?”

Steve, having had a few minutes to pull himself together, glances up from his place next to Natasha, as Tony’s confused voice reaches his ears.

He gives the assassin a reassuring pat on the shoulder before he stands and makes his way over to the billionaire.

The supersoldier doesn’t see it at first, but then they clear another cloud, and Steve’s eyes spot the massive plume of blackened smoke rising high above the Manhattan skyline.

“Can’t get through to Hill,” Tony bites, jamming his finger on button after button.

“Holy shit,” Clint gawks, peering over the console alongside them.

The jet soars past the buildings of the Lower East Side. News helicopters are circling the area, and Steve has a concerning feeling settling in his chest as he realizes what building is currently ablaze.

“I leave for two minutes,” Tony clips, eyes glued on the sight in front of them as the quinjet grows closer. And then he presses further forward, “Was that…? Barton, did I just see - ”

The archer nods, “Yeah, man. That was definitely one of your Legion guys.”

Steve pushes closer, twisting his neck slightly to look out the same direction as Clint. And, sure enough, he spots it in the sky. Two, no - three, bots residing on the roof of a building near the Tower.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Tony intones, disbelief clouding his words. “See if I ever leave Hill in charge again.”

But the humor drops like an enemy shell as they all watch in horror as the smoke begins to emit from the lower levels of the tower, breaking through several floors of windows before the top half starts to sag.

“No, no, no, no,” Tony begins chanting as he pushes the throttle forward, nearly sending Clint and Steve tumbling backward. “THOR,” he roars back. “Do something useful!”

The god in question raises an arched brow before he heads toward the opening ramp of the jet, hammer in hand. But they all know, especially at that moment, that there is nothing even Thor can do to stop the crumbling building from falling.

And so, the three of them stare as the upper levels of the tower begin to sink down upon the lower levels.

The street is little more than brown ash and rubble as you push the pile of concrete from your back. You can hear the screams already ringing out for help, and your chest is in your throat because you remember this exact moment, but you were completely useless to prevent this.

And so, you begin to hobble across the destroyed ruins of the tower, following after the voices of terrified civilians. You had nearly evacuated everyone when the building began to crumble down upon itself. You had even seen a white-haired boy zip past with a masked man before everything went dark; he had stopped briefly to give you a dainty wave before they disappeared in a flash into the crowd.

There were two others with you in the stairwell when everything came down. You had used your shield and your own strength to protect them. And, bless the gods, it had been enough. But the fates of Sam and Maria were still a mystery to you. You could only hope and pray that they had made their way out somehow.

“I got you,” you call out as you locate a woman whose leg has been pinched by a sheet of glass. Blood stains the debris-ridden street around her and you know, that even by human standards, it would be a miracle if she didn’t pass from blood loss in the next minute.

But you lean down and hold her hand in one tight grip as you begin to survey the damage.

“I can assist.”

Your eyes widen as a Legion bot appears. The immediate instinct is the deck the creature in its artificial voicebox. But you resist.

And instead, give a defeated, “Okay.”

The drone holds out its hand, freezing the wound before it successfully pulls the glass from her body. You hold her hand as she lets out a gut-wrenching scream.

An AI voice speaks over the sound of terror, “Coordination with EMS and FDNY in progress. Proceed to Grand Central Station…”

You give a weary nod at the robot as you back up, allowing the woman to be lifted up by the drone who then carries her away. Watching them go, your gaze lingers for just a moment longer, before the screams return to your ears, and your body moves back into motion.

Through the damage and the broken pillars of Stark Tower, you find others. All are being attended to by Legion bots.

“This is madness.”

Thor touches down beside you, a troubling furrow to his brow as he surveys the damage.

“They are not to be trusted.”

You gesture at the one nearest the two of you, one that is applying a tourniquet to a man in a suit, “They’re helping.”

“Are they?”

“What would you have us do here? Fight them?”

Just then, a bot walks directly in front of you, its visual optics are glowing neon red.

“Perhaps, Athena Parthenos, you should.”

It shoots you, point blank, in the chest.

Thor roars, slamming his hammer down upon the bot’s head.

You lift your head from the street where you’ve been shot back, “Thor! Don’t engage them - ”

But he’s already turned to the next available Legion bot, eyes glowing a terrifying blue as he hollers, “I will tear you limb from limb!”

You’re on your feet in a second, sword to his throat.

“And I will knock you into unconsciousness if you even think of laying a hand upon them.”

He turns, eyes blazing with fury as he stares down at you. You drop your sword to your side. 

“What madness has befallen you? Have you not seen what they have done? What they are capable of?”

“All I see is a man set on vengeance.”

“I am no mere man.”

He brushes past you, hammer held aloft.

“Thor, please. Don’t make me - ”

But he just shakes his head, as if disgusted by your very presence, and lifts off from the ground. You can see the flapping red cape that drags behind him as he soars down the street. His hammer clobbers three Legion bots, and a dark cloud looms over him, as he lands - ready to fight.

With a long-suffering sigh, you survey the people around you. Everyone who appears to be injured is being attended to.

Having no other choice, you take off down the street - jumping over every obstacle in your way. While your heart seemed to ache with the position you were being placed in, you knew what you had to do.

They’re unable to land the jet. Instead, they circle the area, watching on as more and more drones flood the cityscape. Tony still can’t get into contact with Hill and is instead trying to get through to someone at SHIELD, which is also proving to be a fruitless endeavor.

Behind him, Bruce is still knocked clean out and Natasha only now seems to be coming back to her senses. Though she’s still in no fit state to do much of anything. And even Steve can feel the hesitation in Barton as his eyes flicker between the chaotic streets and the spy.

“Just one thing after the fucking next,” Tony mutters, dialing another set of numbers into his phone.

And they’re just sitting up here, doing nothing as more robots dive down into the city and people are probably stuck under rubble and injured and Steve can feel that impatience rising like a rocket in his chest and he needs to do something before he jumps out of the damn jet himself and -

“You’ve got to be shitting me.”

At that, he glances back over at Tony.

“If the world could just stop falling to pieces for one goddamn second!”

“What is it?”

“Well, ignoring the mass panic happening down below, and the likely high number of casualties, and the possible murder bots running rampant, we currently have two mythical beings trying to rip each other’s heads off down on Fifth Avenue.”

Tony turns in his seat, hands folded in his lap as if presenting this news to Steve brought him only further frustration. Like an exhausted principal faced with his most unruly students.

Steve blinks.

“What?”

But then he sees the storm clouds looming closer and shocks of lightning lighting up across the sky and he just knows, in an instant, that what Tony is referring to is truly a worst-case scenario.

The billionaire stands with a sigh, slapping the back of Steve’s shoulder as he passes.

“Come on, Cap. We’re tapping in.”

He turns, watching as Tony summons his suit. Before the face mask can fall into place, he fixes the supersoldier with a tired look, “Too bad I used up Veronica, huh? Hey, Legolas, take the controls. Try not to shoot any smoldering buildings while you’re at it.”

Clint gives a little salute as he situates himself into the seat Tony had just vacated, appearing slightly pale himself.

He looks on at his shield, an object that seems heavier now than ever as he follows Tony off the ramp - soaring down to the city streets together.

They’re about a block off, but Tony flies past him, leaving Steve to jog after him. He has to ignore the lost-looking civilians, covered in soot and debris, crying out for help - for him to help. Because he’s already faced Ultron and a mutant today and the amount of destruction that caused the five of them was more than enough. The last thing they needed was for you and Thor to eviscerate the damn city in the aftermath.

“Whoa!”

You crash into a row of garbage cans next to him, having been thrown several yards by the shock of violent lightning. He’s bending down in an instant to help you up, but you push past him, blinders on and oblivious to everything else around you.

“Will you just listen to me!” you roar, jumping up high above both him and the lamp posts as you throw your spear at the Asgardian.

Tony takes the hit, blocking the weapon with his arm.

“Okay, time-fucking-out!”

Thor zooms past him, knocking Tony to the side as he collides with you in mid-air. His hand wraps itself into your hair and pulls back hard enough to make you scream as you knock your head right into his.

As if snapping out of a daze, Steve throws his shield up at Thor - knocking into the God’s side and making him release his hold on you. He goes careening to the street, body slamming into the debris-ridden ground multiple times before he slumps into a heap about a block away from the three of you.

You drop down just a few feet from the supersoldier. Doubled over, ragged breaths being pulled violently inward as you summon your dory back to your side.

“Stay out of this,” you warn.

Steve moves forward, tugging on your forearm, forcing you to look at him.

“This isn’t the way.”

Your expression darkens, “He’s trying to destroy the bots, even the ones assisting the injured!”

“And you’re doing what, exactly?”

Tony hovers above you, dropping down a few feet with his thrusters.

“Actively destroying the city over a pissing match? Sound familiar, right?”

God, the forest in Germany. That seemed like a lifetime ago now. And here Tony was, throwing your own words right back at you.

They seem to work, however, as shame clouds your features. Dipping your chin down, you utter, “I wasn’t even… Cronus, I wasn’t even thinking - ”

“Hey,” Steve chides, voice going soft as he draws his hand down your arm just to slip it into your left hand. “We’ve been through a lot, but we need to stop this before someone else gets hurt.”

Your eyes are nearly brimming with tears when you dare to look up at him and his heart fucking aches seeing such blatant emotion on your face. But you nod, quickly looking up to Tony.

“We need to regroup. We’re no good here right now.”

“Yup,” he immediately agrees.

Thor is sauntering closer, looking ready for another bout.

“I know a place, but we need to calm him down before anyone goes anywhere.”

You turn away from the towering blonde then, moving further down the street, toward the ruins of the smoldering tower, leaving Steve and Tony to verbally subdue the God of Thunder.

It takes several minutes, the majority of which Thor looks like he’s ready to stalk off after you, or worse yet, take his anger out on one of the nearby drones. But Steve spots a journalist over Thor’s shoulder and Tony instantly guides them toward the jet - still hovering above the city.

You’re aboard, sitting beside Natasha. Your weapons are gone and your face is ashen. And, as Steve approaches with his helmet in hand, he can only make out the fact that you’re both quietly conversing in Russian to avoid anyone else overhearing - even him.

“Okay,” Tony settles back into the pilot’s seat. 

Thor stays near the back of the quinjet, purposefully avoiding the rest of the team as he paces, anger clear as day on his face.

“Where to, Double-O?”

You pause, looking up, narrowly avoiding Steve’s eyes. But they meet all the same, and god, he just wants to hug you right now. Because you’re locked in your own suffering and he’s still haunted by the visions swimming in his mind. But you gently brush past him to speak to Tony.

“Here,” you say, leaning down to set the coordinates yourself. “We’ll be out of the city, off-grid.”

“Can’t ask for much better right now, can we?” he sighs, flicking the autopilot into gear.

You remain by the controls, watching as the city zooms past. 

As they escape; as they disappear. Leaving a city in ruins, Steve tries to reset his thinking, but even then, he knows they might be making a massive mistake.

Previous Chapter || Next Chapter

[alena-draws]

I watched Blue Eye Samurai!

Something different for a change..let's make a series review! I finally came around to watching this Netflix Show that caught my interest about a year ago. Short summary: a full 8.5/10! Read under the cut if you want the long (not spoiler free) version of my review:

So first, let me tell you what I loved:

The Soundtrack? 10/10. That thing is beautiful, atmospheric, fitting...just overall, I love it.

The Voice Cast! 10/10 I just really think they are really fitting for their characters! Especially love the bad guys' voices.

The Artwork holy cow. 10/10. This thing could be a movie piece with how much care and effort is put into each background. Character designs also top notch! The colours, wow.

Scene writing/Shot writing. 10/10. I think they are done marvellously. The composition of each scene, how it progresses, the narration, I got nothing to complain!

Which, now, brings me to the overall story of the show! It's not a bad story, not at all, but I still have two things that I personally would have liked differently:

One, I am a bit disappointed that there's a second season. Probably a strong personal reference but I would have preferred this story to be done in one season only. It feels like they are turning this story about revenge into a bigger epos of finding your identity, coming to terms with the past and finding a new reason to keep going. Which are all cool themes. But, I'm not all that interested in them with these characters. I would have much rather preferred they keep this short, either Mizu gets her revenge, breaks apart in the process, or fails...whatever, but a quick definite ending for this story. On top of that, I don't feel like Mizu is really in a different place at the end of the season compared to the beginning. Of course she has found friends, and when she went back to her master she cleared her head to NOT be the demon everyone sees her at. But at the end, we're still on our way to England, for her to get her revenge. I'm sure they will make a good story out of it nonetheless- but with all the amazing skills in this project, they had the potential to make a great story out of it! Something shorter but with much more impact!

Which brings me to point 2: The story itself. Because it's a good story- but it's not a story that makes me go „Woaah ooof“ The writing of the scenes I think is really high level, but when it comes to the overall story, there's nothing that really takes me by surprise? For example: Mizu being a woman, and making her own sword out of the meteorite. Her childhood antagonist reappearing, they start off as antagonists but with some witty bickering they become somewhat friends, only to promise the potential to become even more in season 2. Of course they are back at the swordsmith's place before the final battle so that Mizu can find clarity of mind there. And Akemi, the girl that never should have been allowed to chose her own path stands atop the ruins of a country, where she might be one of the leading figures in s2. I like that there's a lot of character developmet with most characters, and that the circumstances are drastically different at the end of s1- but in a way, it feels a bit cliché to me.

My biggest fear is that everything that has been teasered, like the romance between Mizu and Taigen, Akemi's path to power, Mizu's return to the master to make her own sword- and everything that I can imagine Mizu might encounter in the new land with all the conflicting feelings that facing her ancestry will bring her- my fear is, that this might all come to be, in some way. I want to be surprised, and I want sudden unexpected elements to enter the story and change the relatively clear path that the characters are on! And going by season1, I'm not entirely sure I might get that. Well, that all sounds a bit more negative that it should probably. It's a great show! I'm just sulking a bit because..well, they could have closed everything off in one epic season with an epic showdown and BOY would I have loved to see a story about revenge where the main character completely breaks apart after accomplishing their goal. Anyway, I'm still excited for s2, and I dearly hope that everything I said and predicted here will be proven wrong!

[yetanothersparrowofthedawn]

River

Masterlist

Word Count: 1.6k

Pairing: Jake x Reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt, ex!Jake

Synopsis: Jake hasn’t healed even months after his ex-girlfriend Y/N said ‘I do’ to another man. After one night of desperately trying to hold onto Y/N, will he get back the woman he loves, or was it all nothing but a mistake?

For a bit of context while I try and write what came before: Y/N is a super successful singer-songwriter although it’s not super relevant in this chapter. She has been close friends with the members of Greta Van Fleet, for several years. She had a tumultuous yet terribly passionate relationship with Jake that ended not very well (you’ll see), although they eventually figured out how to remain on good terms for everybody’s sake.

Disclaimer: English isn’t my native language, so I apologize in advance for mistakes and awkward wordings to come. Also, I guess this fic could be triggering for some because it’s kind of sad and angsty.

Previous Track: Prayer Factory

Chapter soundtrack : River – Joni Mitchell

Oh, I wish I had a river,

I could skate away on.

I wish I had a river so long,

I would teach my feet to fly.

Christmas music was playing softly in the warmth of the Styles household. The young couple had decided to host a Holiday party together for their close friends in their newly purchased London home. Kids were running around everywhere, stuffing their face with appetizers, while grown-ups were enjoying more than a few glasses of wine around the crackling fireplace, or in the sitting room.

Alright let’s get into this,

--

Harry, however, was busy looking around for his wife with a frown on his face. He had barely seen her since the arrival of the first few guests.

“Hey, do you know where my beautiful wife might be?” he asked his sister.

Indeed, the hostess was still in the master bathroom upstairs. Far from the picture of holiday spirit, she was sitting on the tiled floor, with her arms wrapped around her knees, surrounded by a pile of tissues and mascara running wildly down her cheeks.

“I’m not sure, although she did tell me she was going to the loo earlier.”

--

“Shit. Shit. Shit,” she whispered, for what felt like the hundredth time, as she heard footsteps heading in her direction. She took some more toilet paper to blow her nose, jumping slightly as she heard a soft knock on the door.

“Y/N? Come out, love, everyone’s here,” she heard her husband say.

She got up, flinching as she looked at her reflection. God, she really looked like shit, “Um, you should go back down, I'll be right behind you, I’m just touching up my makeup”, she said, hoping Harry wouldn’t be able to notice the shakiness of her voice.

“Are you okay?” he asked, clearly worried.

“Of course, I am” she answered. She was relieved to hear him walk back downstairs.

“Ah, there she is!” everyone cheered upon seeing her walk down the split staircase, her silky dress flowing beautifully behind her and her makeup opaque enough to hide any previous meltdown.

Of course, I am, she thought. Was she really, though? Definitely not. She quickly put all her mess into the tiny bin, before starting to work on her hair and face. Just get through tonight, she thought, just tonight.

--

“Sorry I kept you waiting. You know I love making an entrance,” she giggled, trying to hide her nervousness behind a sparkly smile. No one seemed to notice anything wrong as she went around the room, greeting everyone one by one, cracking a quick joke here and there.

Most of the guests were Harry’s friends and colleagues, but Y/N didn’t mind that much, she understood London wasn’t exactly an ideal location for most of her friends. Plus, she had gotten rather close to her husband’s inner circle. It didn’t quite feel like family just yet, but it would come, or at least that’s what she hoped.

“You look a bit pale sweetheart,” Harry’s agent told her laughing, “here, have a drink it’ll loosen you right up”.

Y/N hesitantly took the champagne flute he was holding out to her, mumbling a quick ‘thank you’ and excusing herself before heading to the empty reading room. She let out a sigh of relief as she heard the door close behind her, shutting any noise out.

She loved that room; it was always so quiet and cozy. The walls were covered in her favorite books, and the grand piano was almost buried under a mountain of sheet music and song drafts, both hers and Harry’s. The back wall, however, was very neatly organized. It was where they had decided to place their award shelves.

Without even realizing, she approached one award in particular. It was her second Grammy, which she’d gotten a few years prior. Next to it was a picture taken at the ceremony’s after party. She grabbed it gently, a sad smile spreading her face. It was of her with Josh, Danny and Jake. Sam had taken it while in his disposable camera phase.

She brushed her thumb across Jake’s face, her throat drying up, before shifting her attention back on the glass in her hand. She contemplated the idea of downing it in one swift movement. God knew she needed a drink. But she wasn’t sure it would be wise.

Screw it.

She weakly brought the glass up to her lips but was interrupted as she heard the door open and footsteps approaching from behind her.

“You look beautiful,” Harry whispered in her ear. He laid a soft kiss on her exposed shoulder and wrapped one arm around her waist, his hand landing on her stomach. She stiffened at the sensation. “Are you okay?” he asked, genuine worry on his delicate features.

“Yeah, I’m good, don’t worry,” she answered, smiling, delicately setting the frame back onto the shelf.

But her husband wasn’t fooled, he could feel that something was going on. Truth was, something had been going on for a while. Y/N had been distant, and quiet, very different from the sunny and bubbly girl he’d married less than a year prior. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get her to open up to him. He was worried his job had started taking a toll on their marriage, since YN’s strange behavior had started when he’d come back from a press tour to promote his new album. Then again, Harry knew she had herself been working on some projects and even spent a couple days with her friends in Barcelona while he was away, so she’d always kept busy.

“Are you sure?” he insisted.

“Just tired,” she hummed, absent-mindedly, “who would’ve thought hosting Christmas would be so stressful?”

But Harry wasn’t satisfied with his wife’s answer “Love, you look-”

She gently slid out of his arms and walked towards the arched window; it was pouring outside. “I told you I’m fin-”, but they were both cut off by a strong voice coming from the foyer.

“Alright everyone, picture time!”

The reading room was suddenly silent for a few seconds, neither of them wanting to argue, neither of them knowing what to do or say. Y/N was the first to move, setting her glass down on the windowsill and walking past him and towards the exit.

“Y/N-” he sighed, his eyes never leaving her figure.

“You heard them,” she answered, smiling sadly back at him, “it’s picture time.” She quickly vanished behind the mahogany doors.

Harry was left alone in the study, with nothing to listen to but his own thoughts. He couldn’t understand what had been going on. Out of curiosity, he glanced at what Y/N was holding when he’d walked in. He felt a wave of guilt wash over him as he took in the picture frame.

Of course, he thought. She’d told him all about how she’d been spending the Holiday season in Michigan for the past few years. It must’ve felt weird celebrating Christmas without her boys for the first time in so long. Harry felt a lump settle in his throat. He’d taken her away from her family. Of course, he’d hoped he would’ve had become her family by then, but he knew Y/N and the Greta boys had a special bond that was hard for outsiders to understand. They were the family she’d chosen. And she was the only person that they had ever truly let in.

Harry walked quickly to the foyer, finding everyone standing around the staircase, facing the photographer. He walked to the middle of the crowd and next to Y/N, who still looked as absent as ever. But this time he chose to lay a soft kiss on her temple. “It’s okay, I’m sorry, I love you darlin’,” he said softly against her hair.

Without thinking, Harry took his phone out of his pocket and dialed his assistant’s number, “Hey, yeah, I know, I’m sorry, I just need you to do something very quickly for me.”

--

Except it most definitely was not okay, he did not have to be sorry, and should not have loved her. Y/N felt tears filling her eyes as the guilt once again ate at her. She discreetly wiped a stray tear. There wasn’t anything she could do now, was there?

“Everybody, say cheese!”

She turned around to face the photographer, Harry’s hand wrapping around her waist, a wide smile spreading across both of their faces.

To say Y/N was exhausted would’ve been an understatement. The party had ended being a lot of fun for everybody, perhaps a tad too much fun, as the last guest had left in a cab long after 3AM.

“Cheeeeese!” everybody cheered.

--

She yawned as she took off her jewelry and heels, before heading to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Y/N heard her husband’s soft snores coming from the bedroom and couldn’t help but smile a little as she remembered his sister had spent the night warning him against the spiked eggnog. He clearly had taken her advice lightly and had ended up getting completely hammered.

She started taking her makeup off, lazily throwing her used wipes in the bin. She froze for a second. The girl wasn’t tired enough to have forgotten the reason why she’d been sobbing on the floor just 6 hours earlier.

She slowly shut the bathroom door, flinching when the lock clicked loudly. She got down on her knees and started rummaging through the trash, only to let out a painful sigh when she noticed her worst nightmare hadn’t disappeared. Yep. The tests were still in there. All three of them, mocking her with their baby blue lines.

Hope you liked it! Once again, don't hesitate to send me whatever or leave comments I’m always happy to get feedback xxx

Positive.

--

--

Masterlist

[cyber-corp]

2023: The year of all time

This felt like the first year post-COVID where things really kicked into high gear for me personally. My new year's resolution was that I would go out and have fun for once.

And had fun I did.

I did some voicework reading for a story podcast, I went to a bunch of amazing concerts (nothing beats seeing Weird Al for my birthday!), and I sorted out a bunch of RL stuff and put a neat little bow on it. Thank goodness.

But fuck all that sappy shit: Here's a small collection of things I really enjoyed this year!

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse: An excellent sequel to a seemingly unfollow-uppable first film. Takes everything from ITSV, and amps it up to twenty with a stunning visual style, a sonically fitting soundtrack, and a meta-commentary on the nature of Spider-Man's character and whether they really deserve all the tragedy thrown at them.

Aunty Donna's Coffee Cafe: The guys who made Pud did another show, this time with funding from the Australian Government! While stripped back in its setting, they continue to provide the same stupid bullshit that put me into laughing fits as they did with their Netflix show. Haven't they done well.

Scott Pilgrim Takes Off: I think when people heard about "An animated Scott Pilgrim show with the live-action cast and Edgar Wright producing", they did not expect "A proper dissection of Ramona Flowers' character and her motivations, as well as her own journey of forgiving the Evil Exes. Also lots of yaoi." Scott Pilgrim continues to dominate as the premier "guy learns not to be a shithead" franchise.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Live in Accor Stadium: The Peppers prove their pertained power as performers by playing the purest psalms in their prospectus from the past 35 years (eugh, what a mouthful). Flea came out, did a 30-second handstand, waved and said hello to the moon and then got up some people littering in the crowd. Their life is more than just a read-through.

Caroline Polachek - Desire, I Want to Turn Into You: I had absolutely no clue who Caroline was before I listened to this album. I now realise that she might just be the person that pop needs right now. A soaring collection of songs destined to become classics down the line, like a greatest hits compilation that doesn't exist. We're all on Caroline's island, and we ain't leaving.

Bomb Rush Cyberfunk: I kept my eye on this game as it was developing, and it was absolutely worth it to see it come through in the end. Satisfying gameplay that requires you to learn how to combo to progress, an addicting artstyle inspired by Y2K, and the soundtrack. Holy fuck the soundtrack. I just can't get enuf.

Weird Al Yankovic - TUROTRSIIIVT: Man, what a title. Emu Phillips come out swinging with jokes I did not expect, and then Weird Al comes out aggressively swinging, with all the songs you don't know him for. He then did a polka melody of his parodies, did a ritual halfway through, and then ended the concert on a high note. Only the best from Strange Alfred.

Doctor Who 2023 Specials: That bastard David Tennant returning led me down the rabbit hole known as watching Doctor Who, and did it ever pay off more than these specials. A trans woman saves the day and the Doctor realises he's bi, black, and needs therapy. A magnificent close on a chapter of one of the greatest sci-fis ever, and a bright step into the future.

The Hyperfixation of the Year award goes to none other than

Homestuck, everyone's favourite webcomic! Everyone's.

And I think that's partly because I joined this website to begin with. I probably say this all the time, but leaving Reddit was probably the best decision I could have made at that time. As much as I reminisce, the communities I was in began to get a little stale. Same jokes, same shitposts, a different day. Tumblr in some strange way, is not that. It feels less like a big communal website and more like a collection of small towns spread across a large spot of land. Calm and village-like, you know?

So to all my mutuals, my followers, to the people that liked and reboggled my stinky posts, to all that offered mealworms and crickets in my askbox, thank you. "Gecko Boy" might just be a silly lil joke in the grand scheme of things, but it's a fun joke to play into.

Whatever comes next year, I know I've got the energy to keep going. Have a good 2024 everybody. <3

[stobinesque]

the firmament in you ✨

For Lex’s Spicy Six Summer Challenge! Thanks again for putting this together, @thefreakandthehair! rating: T | wc: 4k | cw: Insomnia, Sleep Paralysis, Suicidal Ideation, References to past self-harm, hurt/comfort | tags: Stobin, Stargazing, Dancing, Post-Season 3 prompt: Dancing under the stars [ FIC PLAYLIST ] [ READ ON AO3 ]

Robin stares up at the ceiling, the glow-in-the-dark stars she’d stuck there when she was a kid winking back at her. The only sounds she can hear are the hum of the box fan in her window, and the rasp of cicadas beyond it. She’s resolutely refusing to turn her head to the side and face the blinking numbers of her clock taunting her.

Every time she closes her eyes, she sees smug faces leering down at her. Feels Steve’s dead—not dead, just slack, just passed out—weight strapped to her. She invents horrors that never happened.

If she keeps her eyes wide open, she only catches it in snatches and brief whispers.

Who needs sleep, anyway?

She thinks maybe the meat-monster spider should be getting more traction in the waking nightmares of her insomnia. And there are certainly times when she squeezes her eyes shut and fireworks burst behind them to a soundtrack of shrieks and groans and echoing fears. But they haunt her far less than the memory of cold fear gripping her chest when she thought, for just a moment, that she had a corpse tied to her back.

She moves to burrow herself into Steve’s side, hoping his warmth might trick her brain into thinking she’s safe.

It’s not a trick. We are safe.

There’s no way of knowing that for certain.

There’s no way of knowing anything for certain.

She rests her head on Steve’s chest and feels his heart rabbiting against her cheek. It makes her lever herself right back up to get a look at his face. She can barely see it in the darkness of the room, but the pale light of the streetlamps filtering in through her curtains is just enough to make out the way his eyes are darting back and forth beneath his eyelids. His breathing is coming in ragged pants, broken up by the occasional pained moan. Fine tremors course through him, like he’s fighting against something, but can’t actually move.

Robin’s own heart kicks up to a racing beat. Steve has spent the past couple weeks trying to explain the last two years of horror to her, and she can’t help the panicked thoughts that start running through her head. What if it’s back? What if it never left? What if it has Steve? Because apparently possession was totally on the table in their lives.

“Steve? Steve! Can you hear me? You’ve gotta wake up.”

His eyes stutter open like he’s being dragged to wakefulness. Hazel eyes stare back at her; unadulterated fear glinting in them. The small whines and groans he’d been making shift into muffled humming, like someone trying to talk through a gag. Like he’s trying to say something, but can’t form his mouth into words.

Robin is seconds away from grabbing the phone off her nightstand and calling anyone and everyone who might be able to help—wishing she had a walkie instead to radio out an all-purpose Code Red—when the dam breaks, and Steve sucks in a giant gasp of air and jerks upright like he’s surfacing from underwater.

“Steve! Steve, are you okay? Are you there?” She’s gripping his shoulder so tight that her nails are biting into flesh, but she can’t loosen her hold on him because if she lets go, he’ll float away.

“Couldn’t—” he gasps out. “Couldn’t move.” He’s nearly hyperventilating; chest heaving as he sucks in big gulps of air like he’s just been drowning. “Tied up. Frozen. I can’t—” He bites out each word like it hurts to speak. “Robs, I can’t—” He breaks off as something seems to crack in him, and collapses into her chest with a muffled sob.

“Hey, it’s alright,” she murmurs, trying to force her voice low and comforting as she wraps an arm around him. “I’ve got you.” She rocks him back and forth, gently, like she’s trying to coax a scared child back to sleep. “It’s okay. You’re safe. It’s all over now.”

It has the bitter taste of a lie on her tongue, but she just has to pretend that it’s true for now. Between the two of them, they can just barely afford a scrap of empty hope.

“—The kids are safe, and the gate is closed.” She knows Steve won’t really accept that until he sees everyone with his own eyes. But they’ve gotten used to telling each other these kinds of lies in the dead of night.

The band that’s been tightening around her chest snaps, and a tidal wave of exhaustion crashes over her. Sleep is all but a lost cause for the night, but they’ve each been at their wit’s end since Starcourt, and the unending turmoil of it all is finally catching up to her.

“I’m so tired,” she whispers into Steve’s hair.

“Robs.” his voice is croaky—strangled with some emotion she can’t quite place—and a calloused thumb sweeps across her cheek. She hadn’t realized she’d started crying.

“I’m tired too,” he admits. He lets out a shaky exhale. “I just want it all to be over.”

Fear catches in her throat. The way he says it makes her think he’s not just talking about the monsters and the torture. She remembers the scars she’d found littered across the skin of his thighs the other day. Remembers tracing a finger over them gently; begging him to never leave her.

The fear she felt in that moment is still lodged in her, tucked firmly behind her heart. But in the grey emptiness of the witching hour, she thinks she understands him.

“We should get out of here,” she says, not really knowing the scope of what she means when she says it.

“Where would we go?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. Anywhere? Paris, maybe.”

Steve laughs, but it’s watery. “Might be hard to do on short notice.”

“Let’s just drive then. See where the road takes us.”

Steve sits up and looks at her, expression open and honest. “I mean…I’ve got the Beemer back. We could, if you wanted?”

Robin hooks her fingers through his. “Maybe just for the night?”

They sneak through the house, careful not to wake her parents. They haven’t bothered to change, so Steve’s still wearing an old marching band shirt and checked boxers; Robin, a Hawkins Swim Team shirt with a worn neck, and a pair of Steve’s sweatpants.

They pile into the car silently, Robin curling into the passenger seat, tucking her socked feet underneath her, and resting her head against the window. Through some unspoken agreement, neither of them makes a move to try to pick through Steve’s glove compartment of mixtapes. Steve just reaches over to tune the radio until he lands on something that seems to suit his mood well enough, and turns to her with a questioning tilt of his brow.

…because a vision softly creeping / left its seeds while I was sleeping / and the vision that was planted in my brain / still remains…

Robin’s breath hitches, and she turns to look at Steve, whose face is now glowing in the light of the streetlamps. His hands tighten on the wheel, and the corners of his mouth are drawn tight. She doesn’t want to ask what he saw. She thinks she can guess. Even with the whole gallery of horrors his mind has to choose from, she thinks there’s only one that would leave him paralyzed.

The song bleeds into another as Steve pulls out of her driveway, a soft bass line humming beneath a lilting guitar riff, filling up the car like it has physical presence. It leaves an ache in Robin’s chest, and she reaches out with a shaky hand, laying it palm up on the center console. Steve’s slots home a moment later.

They pull up to the quarry. The chorus of crickets and cicadas echo so loudly it’s like they’re the only sound left in the universe, even though she can still hear the music drifting like smoke from the radio (stars fade, but I linger on…)

“Here?” Robin turns to Steve with a frown. She tries not to think about them standing together at the precipice. Tries not to think about the drop. Tries not to think about how much a part of her wants it.

L ’appel du vide.

The thought scares her, and she has to force herself to back away from it.

Steve meets her gaze with a gentle squeeze of his hand. “There’s a clear view of the sky,” he says. “Thought we could stargaze.”

Robin’s face twists up into an expression she doesn’t think she could put a name to, even if she was looking in a mirror. Eyebrows scrunched, lips twitching upward. She feels some funny mix of fondness and bemusement, tangled up with love. “You wanna go stargazing?”

Steve shrugs. “Figured you’d rather see the real things.”

Robin doesn’t say anything, just stares at him. In defiance of all sense, Steve always drifts to sleep fairly quickly—his troubles are always with staying there than getting there—so she’s had no reason to think he’d noticed her tendency to go cross-eyed staring up at the stars on her ceiling.

“That…that would be great, yeah.”

Steve nods once, decisively, and turns the engine off, but leaves the car on so the radio keeps playing. Robin steps outside, wiggling her toes where she stands. She stretches them out wide; presses them down against the rough, rocky ground.

“C’mon, hop up.”

Robin jerks her head around at Steve’s voice. He’s produced a threadbare quilt from somewhere and is throwing it onto the hood of the car, before climbing up and patting the empty space next to him. Robin settles at his side and under his wing.

“So. Tell me about the stars.”

Robin looks up at him. “What do you wanna know?”

Steve shrugs, rustling her hair. “Dunno. They’re all, like, stories, right? Tell me one.”

Robin hums, considering. “Okay.” She grabs Steve’s hand, arranging his fingers so he’s pointing up at a spot in the western sky, a bit above the horizon. “See that group of stars up there? Looks kind of like two trapezoids smushed together, with little spokes coming out from the corners?”

“I…think so? Maybe?”

“It’s kind of hard to find sometimes, because there aren’t any, like, super super bright stars in it like there are in a lot of the other big constellations? Tonight’s a pretty good night for it, though, especially out here away from all the streetlights. And the new moon, too—it’s always harder to see things when the moon’s out—she’s so bright, you know?” Robin directs Steve’s hand along the constellation’s path. “If you wanna do this again some time I can bring my laser from home and help point things out to you that way.”

Steve nods against the top of her head. “I’d like that.” He lets his hand drop back down between them, but keeps their fingers entwined. “So, which one is that supposed to be?”

“Hercules,” she says. She raises their hands again to continue tracing over the constellation’s shape as she speaks. “That’s his head. And those are his legs—he’s kneeling—and sometimes people draw him with a club in that arm.”

Steve hums. “He was like…some big hero guy, right? Had to kill a bunch of monsters as, like, his job or something?”

Robin chuckles. “That’s not really what ‘labor’ means in this context, but yeah, that’s the basic gist. His whole story’s actually pretty long and complicated, though.” She rubs her thumb over the back of Steve’s hand. “Hercules—or, really, Heracles, if we’re talking Greek myth; the constellation is just named Hercules because that’s the one people know—anyway, he’s kind of cursed from the beginning. His mom gets pregnant with him after Zeus tricks her into sleeping with him, and then Hera—that’s Zeus’ wife—basically makes it her life’s mission to make sure this kid doesn’t exist, right? To the point where his mom just abandons him, because she’s so scared of what Hera might do.”

“Wait, if Zeus tricked the mom, why is Hera taking it out on the kid?”

“Great question! The actual answer is probably that the men telling these stories had really shitty opinions of women. In the context of the story, though, I think it’s supposed to be like…Hera is the queen of the gods, right? And the Olympians as a whole are a mess; they’re fucking mortals left and right, and also fucking each other indiscriminately, but at the same time they’re all, these, like, fundamentally prideful and jealous creatures? So Zeus constantly sleeping around with other people isn’t just a betrayal of Hera, it’s also humiliating to her. But what can she actually do to Zeus, right? So instead, she goes around trying to eradicate all the symbols of his infidelity.”

“That’s dumb,” Steve says. He stares up at the sky. From her vantage point Robin can’t quite make out his expression, but she thinks maybe it’s contemplative. “There’s probably a decent chance I have a half-sibling or two running around out there. And I guess it’s different, because if I don’t know about them, that means no one who would matter to my mom is likely to either. But I still can’t imagine her going out of her way to make another kid’s life miserable just because my dad fucked their mom.”

Robin’s brow wrinkles. Steve hasn’t really talked about his parents. Just told her that they usually spend summers outside of Hawkins, and otherwise carefully side-steps any allusion to the subject. The silence speaks for itself, though. Or so she thought, at least. The way he’s talking now…there’s a bitter edge to it, but he also talks about his mom like he loves her, if in a messy way. “I think…I think that, maybe, it’s easier to hurt people who can’t hurt you back.”

Steve sucks in a sharp breath, but doesn’t say anything. Robin doesn’t either.

Morissey’s crooning slips out from the Beemer. I am human and I need to be loved…

“Yeah, that makes sense, I guess,” he whispers—more like he’s talking to himself than to her. “So how does the rest of it go?”

“Athena finds him, and takes him to Hera, without telling her who he is. And the irony of it all is that she’s the goddess of, like, marriage and childbirth? And since she doesn’t know who the baby is she feels bad that he got abandoned, and she ends up nursing him. But baby Hercules is already so strong that he bites her breast so hard that she spills milk all across the sky—and that’s how we got the Milky Way.” Robin brings their joined hands up again to run along the bright band of stars cutting a path through the heavens.

“…what the fuck?”

“Mythology is super fucked up, dude.”

“That feels like an understatement!”

“Yeah, well, how else would you explain the Milky Way if you didn’t know about astrophysics yet?!”

“Not with some chick’s breast milk!”

Robin purses her lips and gives an exaggerated head shake. “You just don’t appreciate the power of the female form, Harrington.”

“Yeah, sure, that’s it.” Their hands are still raised high above them, and he idly plays with her fingers. “Tell me the rest of it.”

“You are so demanding,” she scoffs, but carries on anyway. “After he accidentally creates the Milky Way—or, I guess, accidentally causes Hera to create the Milky Way? Whatever, not important. After that, Athena brings him back to his mom to raise him. Which, y’know, passes more or less uneventfully—except for him murdering his music teacher, in some retellings—”

“What?”

“Yeah, I don’t really get it either. It’s just kind of a blip, and then he’s passing from ‘boyhood’ to ‘manhood’ and has to make a choice about whether to follow the path of Vice or Virtue for the rest of his life.”

“Isn’t that a little late since he’s just murdered someone? Also, that seems…overly literal.”

“Yeah, well, it’s mythology. They’re all basically parables.”

“Isn’t that a type of graph?”

“No, it’s like…fables? Moral tales.”

“Sure. Okay. But that still doesn’t make sense, because it’s not like you just make a decision like that once and never get the chance to try again.”

“Well, take that up with Prodicus.”

Steve blows a raspberry, and Robin can picture him rolling his eyes in disdain.

“Do you want me to finish this story, or not? You can give your review at the end.”

Steve is silent for a beat. Squeezes her hand. “Yeah. Keep going.”

“Okay! So, he’s having trouble deciding which path to take, when these two women approach him. One claims to be ‘Happiness’—nicknamed Vice—and the other, Virtue. And each of them presents their case for why he should follow their path. Vice runs up to him first, promising a life of wealth and happiness, and freedom from hardship—”

Steve snorts.

“Have something to share with the class, Harrington?”

“You told me to wait until you were finished!”

“And yet you still interrupted me.”

“What, so I’m not allowed to make sounds?”

“Not like that!”

Steve shakes his head with a laugh. “You’re unbelievable! Keep telling me your little parabola, then.”

Robin rolls her eyes with a dramatic sigh. “Vice promises him untold riches and blah blah blah, and then Virtue comes up and tells him that there are no good things in life to be had without hard work and sacrifice, and that following her path is the only way his memory will be honored and immortalized in death.”

Steve lets out a small disapproving sound. “And? Which does he pick?”

“He picks Virtue, just like any good hero, right?” Robin’s goading him intentionally now, but it’s worth it for the way he actively works to stifle a groan of annoyance. “Anyway, then he starts going on various adventures as a big hero man. He helps defend a city against an invasion, and the king is like ‘here, marry my daughter’ as a reward.”

“Yikes.”

“Very. But the two of them end up being pretty happy together. They get a house, have lots of children. Happily ever after, right?”

“Something tells me the answer to that question is gonna be ‘no.’”

“Yeah, because Hera’s still obsessed with getting revenge. So she induces this, like, godly madness in him, which drives him to kill his wife and kids—”

“What the fuck!!”

Robin shrugs. “Like I said, Greek Mythology, man. Anyway, that’s how we get to the part of the story most people know: Heracles goes to the Oracle of Delphi and asks how he can atone for what he’s done, and that’s how we end up with the Twelve Labors of Heracles/Hercules.”

“Absolutely none of that made any sense. Why would going around killing a bunch of monsters make up for killing his entire family? Especially when it wasn’t even really in his control? Also, if this is how he ends up with his name getting immortalized or whatever, how is that any better than just choosing vice? He didn’t actually really sacrifice anything! His family did! If the way you get to have honor or glory or whatever is by killing your loved ones—even if you ‘atone’ for it later—how does getting those things make you any better than the person who chose happiness?”

“All great questions, young Padawan,” Robin says, affecting an exaggerated, sagely tone. “To answer the first one: arguably, it isn’t. The Oracle was basically working for Hera and sent Hercules to offer ten years of servitude to a king who hated him. As for the others: I don’t know, something to think on, I guess. But. It’s not like Hercules knew he was going to lose his family. And Vice’s path hinges on exploiting others.”

“I don’t know, it just sounds like either way you spin it he’s choosing a path based on what he thinks it’ll get him.”

“I think the way the Greeks thought about morality is probably different from how we do now.”

Steve makes a sort of disgruntled sound. “I guess that makes sense.” He sighs and presses his face into her shoulder. “So, tell me how these ‘labors’ go, then.”

She does, launching into dramatic retellings of Hercules slaying the Nemean Lion and the Hydra; capturing the Minotaur and the Erymanthian Boar; stealing Hesperides’ golden apples, and King Diomedes’ mares.

The music from the radio keeps playing in the background, a strange sort of backing track. Robin hasn’t been playing close attention to the songs as they roll through—just enough to notice that whoever’s in charge of the late-night programming has been doing the musical equivalent of throwing spaghetti at walls. It suits them, though. She’s halfway through regaling Steve with Hercules’ capture of Cerberus when conscious awareness of the music knocks into her by way of Steve bopping along to the opening bars of “Dancing in the Moonlight.”

He’s up and off the hood of the car before she can say anything.

“Steve!” she yells in protest as he yanks at her arm for her to join him. “I wasn’t done!”

“You can finish later! We’re not going to pass up the opportunity to literally dance in the moonlight when the universe decrees it, Bobbin!”

“There’s no moonlight tonight, dingus!”

“Starlight, then,” he says, shimmying his shoulders at her with a wide smile on his face.

And Robin is a lot of things, but immune to the delight of one Stephen Richard Harrington is not one of them. He starts doing a little swaying and snapping number, beckoning her to join him.

This was how the early seeds of their friendship were planted. Dancing to Dolly and Madonna as they mopped the floor; yelling and laughing together as they worked. It’s easy to slip back into. Into that space where Robin was just starting to see the first glimmers of who Steve Harrington could be—who he is. That time when she started to suspect that—maybe, just maybe—he could be something like a friend to her. Before they were SteveandRobin, sure, but also before they were trapped in a metal box with two kids they’d led into danger. Before Steve was bloodied and bruised for information he didn’t have. Before Robin learned that monsters were real, and the Russians were punching holes through reality to try to reach them. A time when—for once in Robin’s life—it felt like there was moonlight in the darkness of her life.

So she dances. Shoulders swaying, and feet tapping. Hips bumping with Steve’s. Lets him twirl her under his arm like he did in her kitchen last week while teaching her how to make the best grilled cheese sandwich of her life.

She smiles, and she laughs, and for a moment she forgets about heroes, and monsters, and gods.

Her cheeks are aching from smiling so hard, and even though it’s a short song, she’s panting with exertion by the end. It trails off into the night air, and Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade” fades into place.

This time she extends her hand to him, pulling Steve into her arms. She’s never been that great a dancer—clumsy, and awkward, with limbs that won’t heed her command—but she’d dragged her father to a father-daughter dance thing during the handful of years she was a Girl Scout, and she’d picked up some basics. Enough to know how to lead in a dance without structure.

Steve follows without comment, making himself smaller so he can tuck himself in against her. It actually makes it a little harder to steer them without occasionally stepping on Steve’s feet, but she takes it as the unspoken request to be held that it is, and she dances in the starlight with her best friend. Feels it sparkling through him.

She knows the constellations that dot his skin, the streaks and starbursts of light of his scars, and his nebulae of bruises. The stories written on his skin are just as mythic—just as full of heroism—and all the beautiful contradictions those things entail. And she hopes he knows it. Hopes that she can show him someday.

Notes:

This fic is in the same universe as my other Stobin-centric Summer Challenge fic, which you can read here, and to my Steve-centric fic lay your cuts and bruises over you skin, which can be read on AO3 here. I'm including this at the end since this fic works just fine as a standalone :) Also, my Classical Studies major partner feels it is imperative that I point out that Robin's description of myth vs. parable vs. fable is inaccurate. These are each distinct categories of stories, and not all of them have or are meant to have a moral. (She's right. Don't believe everything fictional teenagers say when explaining complicated concepts to other fictional teenagers :P )

taglist of people who have requested snippets of this as I worked on it! @devondespresso @theheadlessphilosopher @delta-piscium @steves-strapcollection @bifuriouswaterbender @spicysix @inairbinad and @starryeyedjanai. thanks for all the encouragement, pals!

[e-dash-lace]

My Very Own Locked Tomb Playlist

A bunch of songs that I listened to while I was doing a Summer 2024 re-read of The Locked Tomb (mostly Harrow and Nona) in no particular order. I took notes because this fandom makes you crazy and Spotify is so stupid that instead of having a notes feature, it has an algorithm that makes you a new playlist four times a day that's called something like "gut-wrenching wailing girl dinner slay brat summer afternoon." Anyway, notes under the cut (spoilers for the entire series sorry)

Psychic Wound - King Woman

The song that Ianthe puts on the radio when she needs to focus to give Harrow her lobotomy. (In all honesty though I think that most songs off of the I Saw the TV Glow playlist go kind of crazy over Harrow the Ninth. Something something horror of being a queer teenager.)

Intergalactic - The Beastie Boys

When Gideon the Ninth the animated feature length film opens, the opening credits play to this song. This song also plays during Camila's fight with Ianthe Naberius on New Rho

Go Away Little Girl - Percy Faith & His Orchestra

This song really screams Jod to me. It plays during John 8:1. Like really close your eyes and imagine it. Like there's no sound it's just like a jumbled up bunch of slow motion scenes.

My Smile is Extinct - Kane Strang

Honestly I just needed to put this song on the playlist because it's the kind of depression song that's like just goofy enough to make you laugh even when you're sad. RIP Harrow Nonagesimus. She would have loved My Smile is Extinct by Kane Strang.

Army of Me - Bjork

Another sword fight song. This song plays during Gideon and Harrow's first fight on the Ninth House. I think that my brainworms just also really wanted to bring some of that girls fighting in steampunk muted colors vibe from Sucker Punch into this playlist.

Growing Pains - Ethel Cain

The queen brainworm living in my mind demands that all playlists I make have 1 Ethel Cain song. I can't really tell you how this fits, but when I tried to remove it, I thought "no. she stays" This song is Harrow the Ninth coded but maybe like Harrow Coffee Shop AU

Jesus Is the One (I Got Depression) - Zack Fox

First House National Anthem I fear. If I had money, I would pay it to comission a Harrow the Ninth animatic to this song.

Sunday - The Cranberries

Not really sure why this is on the playlist. I think it might have been an accident, but also it just sounds kind of appropriate so it stays :)

August Underground - Ethel Cain

Spotify gave me a really really good daylist ONCE that was just like atmospheric music (mostly from videogames). It was so stellar that I saved it! I listened to that playlist while I was reading like the last 25% of Nona. This song plays throughout all of NtN Chapter 28 or at the very least an extended scenes of Sex Pal and Camilla turning into Paul.

Ghosts in the Static - Ben Babitt

Atmospheric music to listen to while Nona drives through the River. A lot of the songs on the KRZ soundtrack fit that vibe. If you want music to drive on the River to, you should listen to the Kentucky Route Zero soundtrack.

Dumbest Girl Alive - 100 Gecs

I think that Gideon Nav would be a really big 100 gecs fan

Thick Skull (Re: Julien Baker) - Paramore & Julien Baker

I think that Jod would be a really big fan of Paramore. I think this song is about Jod, but it's the song that plays during the flashback scene when Gideon kicks Wake out of the airlock and she falls into the Ninth House

Bad Lil Vibe - Coco & Clair Clair

HEAR ME OUT. In my mind, Jod has gifted Ianthe a cassette player and for some reason, the only cassette that's in it is like some collectible 10th anniversary cassette tape of the album Sexy by Coco & Clair Clair. (that doesn't exist yet but it will). I feel like Coco and Clair Clair are good music for the Coronabeth and Ianthe dynamic duo, but I think that this song is for Ianthe. I think it has that evil hot mess (not like Sharpay Evans evil hot mess, more like Shego with smeared lipstick and a broken heart at the club) vibe that the Saint of Awe brings to the table.

4AEM - Grimes

Grimes TO ME ok IMO strikes me as someone who in 2015 would have been fancast as ianthe because she's blond, skinny, and like swinging around a long sword in her music videos like someone who just kind of thinks that swords are cool conceptually and will go well with the special effects but couldn't actually use one to defend themselves if it came down to it and that's really ianthe tridentarius-core TO ME. I imagine that deep down Ianthe hoped that becoming a lyctor meant she would get to be like an international pop star but more. Not to digress but this song is an Ianthe Tridentarius fight song.

Combat Baby - Metric

Actually lol okay hear me out. So actually Ianthe was also gifted a cd player by jod and this is the song that she cries to (ALONE) when she thinks about Harrow. I think Ianthe wishes she had a y2k style but she was just born in the wrong decade sorry

Pluto - Bjork

This is the song that is playing after Harrow wakes up and Gideon is inside her brain helping her fight Cytherea. I think snippets or like altered instrumental versions of this song also play in each trial that Harrow and Gideon work through. Like some version of this song is definitely playing the first time Harrow siphons Gideon to get those keys

Femininomenon - Chapell Roan

First of all, what is any playlist made in 2024 without a Chapell Roan song on it. Second, when I first wrote this note I imagined this as the song that plays immediately after mercy kills Jod and then like there's a full 3 minute music video where like Mercy is on lead vocals, she's like arguing with Augustine a bit then they're like dancing and then the song really abruptly cuts off right before the end when Jod sucks himself back together. Alternatively, this song plays every single time Nona sees a woman.

Dream Girl Evil - Florence and the Machine

Alectopause Hive International Anthem In the parallel universe where Nona the Ninth was released as a webcomic or like an AO3 fic, Taz Muir has linked this song in the Notes and there are 1000 animatics of the Nona epilogue with this song.

Springbreakers - Charli XCX

Alectopause hive international anthem 2 electric boogaloo (Remember how I said "gut-wrench9ing wailing girl dinner slay brat summer afternoon"? I meant that) I would also accept this song as the Nona epilogue animatic song

Bit of A Monster - Vylet Pony

I can't explain this one. I don't know why it's here it just has to be. If you made it this far, leave ur theories in the tags idk.

Mysteries of the Cleft - death's dynamic shroud

I think like if you asked me to I could make a whole playlist of songs about being in the River, so this is either like a planetkiller harrow song or like the song that plays when Jod takes Ianthe and Harrow through the River the first time.

Kizaki Lake - Satoko Shibata

One thing about me, if there's an opportunity to put a Japanese song on the playlist, a Japanese song is going on the playlist and right now the other queen brainworm in my mind is the brainworm that's been addicted to this album since it was released in February and I think everyone should listen to it. The instrumental for this song plays throughout the entirety of Day One in Nona and IF I WAS IN CHARGE Satoko Shibata would be tapped to do the score for the film because she's just that good. Go listen to Your Favorite Things!

[daomaikeng]

rating and reviewing BLs i have watched so far (unupdated as of april ‘23)

hi this is just a post that i wanted to include in my page but it was getting too long lmao. this is just like a list of all that i’ve watched so far, in order. i won’t be including their plots here, but there might be spoilers. these are just my opinions in case someone new wants to bond over shows and wants to know what i thought 🤌🏽

we best love (both seasons) - 10/10. first BL that i watched, lowkey changed my life. absolutely obsessed with it, comfort series that i keep rewatching. absolutely amazing acting by everyone involved.

history3: trapped - 8.5/10. tang yi. no words. beautiful acting and cinematography, the plot was handled pretty well and i was pretty much broken by the last episode. jack and zhao lian are my children. i’m still obsessed with the OST, i listen to it multiple times a week. just goes to show how much a good soundtrack can still keep a show in your mind even if you watched it months ago.

bad buddy - 1073392729/10. HOE MY GOD. where do i start. all i’ll say is i’ll never be the same, this series is IT for me. THE show for me. nothing will ever come close. one day i’m gonna meet p’aof and cry on my knees. i will never be able to put into words just how much this series means to me, or just how important it is to me, or just how influential this has been for my life. i’ll never be able to get over it.

2gether the series - 6/10. didn’t watch the second season because s1 was so disappointing even if i finished most of it in one night. brightwin are cute and all but they were giving brothers i’m sorry 💀 their chemistry just sizzled out halfway. and they both need acting lessons i’m sorry

love in the air - 9/10. fort thitipong simp forever. first show that i watched while it was ongoing. came for payurain, stayed for prapaisky. although it’s lowkey rapey (which is to be expected from mame) i loved how well they handled the characters

tharntype - 6/10. started because i had heard so much about it, but abandoned it halfway. aside from the dubious consent (again, mame, people can’t consent when they’re asleep), the internalised homophobia got too toxic

star in my mind - 7.5/10. joongdunk are adorable, but they could’ve done a little more with the plot. the Feels™️ were lacking a little bit. cute show overall though. and i’m one of the five people who will die on the hill that seanmaitee are canon and deserved an official kiss

semantic error - 8.5/10. first KBL that i watched, finished it in one day. very beautifully done, all the colour symbolism etc was interesting as hell. pretty cute, although i do wish we could’ve gotten more fluff

love mechanics - 8/10. saw a short on yt and was convinced about the angst. boyyyy was i wrong, it was so much more angsty than i thought. highkey toxic and unhealthy too, but i’ll let it go. forever simping over p’bar. the parents angle was annoying but eh. i will say though, i had to take a lot more breaks while watching than usual, it became too much at points. we did get a little fluff at least though so

my tooth your love - 9/10. yes i hate the title. very very nicely done, the perfect representation of how trauma affects you even when you’re older and just how much it holds you back. convos about mental health, therapy, not letting your lover treat you like shit, AAAAA 🤌🏽🤌🏽 finished this in one day too. they didn’t magically have a moment where they forgave each other and kissed after confessing. they both worked to prove they were in this for the long run, and xun’an didn’t hesitate to hold bai lang accountable for being a jerk. really breaking all the BL barriers sjdhsjh 😭😭 the only part that annoyed me was his dad beating him up like hello?? he’s 30?? 💀💀 fucking vile. but bai qing is an icon and i love her and i would die for her. simp for alex speaking in english randomly. him and rj deserved more scenes and they need to be canon now!!!!!

roommates of poongduck 304 - 7.5/10. i had heard SO much about this so i had high expectations but i was kind of let down, i mean we really only got them together in ep 7. the chemistry, acting and side characters were great but tbh i feel like i’d have loved this a lottttt more if it had been a little spaced out, more episodes, had better conflict resolution and just better overall detailing. still a cute watch though

currently watching:

never let me go - this series is going to break me, i already know. phenomenal acting, symbolism and cinematography. every wednesday you can find me crying because it is just so excellent, the brainrot is real. can’t wait for more episodes

my school president - OBSESSED with them for real. they’re the toned down version of bad buddy, which i have proven in a post. can’t wait for them to be their high school’s power couple. very very wholesome

those are all for now! i’ll keep updating this post as i watch more. my to-watch list is already overflowing but i’d love your recommendations too!! and i’m always willing to scream about any given show so feel free to join me. :) x

[lomappreciationblog]

I mostly talk about the art when it comes to my love for Legend of Mana, but definitely a huge part of my love for the game comes from it's music, all stellar tracks from the hands of Yoko Shimomura!

The HD version also provides rearrangements, and at first I stuck to the originals when I played the HD version, but some of the tracks have grown on me, the boss themes especially have that extra oomph! And the HD version also lets you freely listen to all the music in game, though a completely new player might get spoiled by some of the soundtrack names...

I did notice some of the soundtracks have slightly different names from the list I saw before, but I'm guessing these are the official names for these music pieces in English now.

Here's the differences I've noticed - this is pretty long, I'll put it under the cut:

I'm not totally sure if these older titles I have seen are fan translations or if they were used in official capacity before, so that's my disclaimer.

"There's a Place in My Heart" is "A Soulful Place" (bgm for Home)

"Path of Journeymen" is "Traveler's Road" (bgm for a couple of dungeons, but most notably Luon Highway)

"Cliffside Town Gato" is simply "Gato Grottoes"

"Beautiful Colored World" is "Picturesque Landscape" (my most favorite dungeon bgm, which plays in Mekiv Cavern, Jungle and Tower of Leires. I've also seen this bgm titled just "Jungle")

"Marginal Beast" is "Beast of the Wildlands" (a bgm for a boss fight, can't remember any specific ones at the moment).

"Moonlight Roa" is "Lumina, City of Moonlight"

"A Dream of Distant Days" is "Dreaming of Yesteryear - The Siren's Song" (bgm for when Monique or Elle are singing - I've also seen the original subtitled Seilehn's song, which is probably just translation blip from Japanese, but I admit Seilehn is kinda pretty sounding)

"Across the Ocean" is "To the Sea" (bgm for Madora Beach and S.S. Buccaneer)

"Calmer Generations" is "Everlasting Calm" (bgm for the desert and Mindas Ruins. I do wonder why this track is titled with calmness as a theme, since the actual music itself sounds pretty frantic to me?)

"The Wind Sings of a Journey" is "Singing Wind, Journey's Path" (bgm for Lake Kilma and Junkyard, and I've also seen this titled simply "Junkyard")

The bgm for Fieg Snowfields and Norn Peaks is titled "Evanescent Memories", I think this was simply titled "Fieg Snowfields".

Now for the soundtracks specific to the 3 major arcs!

For the Star-Crossed Lovers Arc: "Where Truth Can be Found" is "Searching for the Truth" (this usually plays inside the room where Matilda is) "Two Feelings - Lucemia" is "Lucemia - Conflicting Motives" (bgm for Lucemia obviously. I've also seen this titled something like "The Excitement in Two of Us") "Distant Truth" is "Searching Beyond the Truth" (bgm for the ending scene. I do appreciate that with the name change, the first and last tracks are thematically linked, with the last one going beyond the truth - like Matilda and Irwin always wanted deep down) In this set, the boss bgm title "Irwin on Reflection" didn't change.

For the Dragon Arc: "Overlapping Destinies" is "Destinies Intertwined" "Bondage Bestowed" is "The Bond Bestowed" "Fiery Castle" is "The Flames" (hm, this time the official track is named after the location) "Scarlet Dragon Emperor" is "The Crimson Dragon" (boss fight bgm against Drakonis) "Led by Destiny" is "The Far Side of Fate" (ending bgm for this arc. This new official title is actually very fitting!)

For the Jumi Arc: "Blue Gloom" is "Melancholy in Blue" (this song IS most closely linked to the Jumi characters and plays specifically for Florina's dream quest, but I think this might also play in Cage of Dreams...? I might be wrong though.) "Sparkling City Destroyed - Bejeweled City Etansel" is "Bejeweled City in Ruins" (pretty similar wording for this one, though I appreciate the older title includes the real name of Bejeweled City - Pearl tells you it was called Etansel "in the old tongue" if you took her in Teardrop Crystal) "Treasured Love" is "Avarice of Fools" (bgm for the boss fight against Lord of Jewels 1000. Hmm, this is a drastic change, I kinda prefer the older title, it fits Sandra and Lord of Jewels' character better because they did both genuinely care for the Jumi, even if it was ultimately a twisted love.) "Of Glittering Tears..." is "The Color of Tears" (ending theme for the Jumi Arc. I kinda prefer the older one.)

Now for the music specific to the Mana Tree:

"Memories of Approaching the Distant Mana Tree - Theme of Mana" is "Thoughts of the Mana Tree, Far Away - Theme of Mana" "Holy Palace of Mana" is "The Sanctuary of Mana" (Sanctuary is the more accurate term since I think the Mana Tree is consistently referred to as a sanctuary inside.) "The Gloaming - Mana Goddess" is "Desolate Times" (boss bgm against the Mana Goddess! I love the older title - gloam means twilight, gloom or shade, and during the fight, one of the mechanics is the moon reflecting in the floor of the battle stage slowly being eclipsed, and once it goes fully dark the Mana Goddess unleashes a powerful attack, so it's very appropriate. Desolate Times just doesn't have the same ring to it. Though, I have to admit, the new rearrangement is very powerful sounding. I do love how eerie and despariring sounding this music is, it's a very haunting song, fitting for the side of the Goddess who wrapped herself in darkness.)

[dent-de-leon]

Listening to "Bedtime" from the Little Mermaid soundtrack and just,,,, thinking about how Taliesin said Molly was based on mermaids and not having a soul but Ariel gets her happy ending in the disney version and Kingsley gets a happy ending with the Nein and just,,,,

Taliesin Jaffe how dare you do this to me on this, our pride month

AH yes I love that Mollymauk is Taliesin's interpretation of a mermaid so much, it's so fascinating and tragic and bittersweet. Also, I just listened to the song and it's lovely. Makes me very nostalgic.

But yeah, that clip of Taliesin explaining his initial pitch for Molly still just breaks my heart. His acknowledgement that, "Mermaids are fucked," because they supposedly exist without a soul, "Empty" and eternally doomed from the start...it's just so tragic. "I want a body where the soul left, and the body just kept moving. Whatever was in there got pulled out, and went to the Raven Queen. And they just kept walking, like a mermaid--no soul....just someone who was a total blank slate."

And while he does get the fairytale happy end and get to live on with his loved ones, I think Tealeaf's narrative very closely mirrors the darker aspects of Hans Christian Andersen's original version. Especially given the premise of a being without a soul--someone who was supposed to be forever Empty, yet still became whole--

And one of my personal favorite mermaid parallels: A deal made with a witch for an impossible dream. Offering up a vital part of yourself in exchange for a false hope that can never truly be. To me, it echoes both Lucien's own family bargaining away their child to a hag--as well as Lucien later offering himself to the Somnovem. He might not have known Azrahari always planned to keep him as one of her puppets--"My beautiful boy...I had hoped to make you mine one day. What a perfect specimen you would have made. Oh, how you would have been merry with laughter and dance..." But he always lived in fear that it was a possibility.

His parents abused both him and his siblings, were willing to offer up one of their two remaining children to a witch for some fantasy; they passively stood by while they forced Lucien to lure victims to a deadly hag as a mere child--marks who were often bandits, murderers, and monsters as surely as the witch. Abandoning Lucien to them and Azrahari both. Azrahari, who promises she can finally make Lucien happy, return him to those childhood days of song and laughter and dance, if only he would let her carve out his soul--

Again and again, Lucien is promised happiness and safety at the cost of his own freedom and autonomy. The witch can take all his pain away, he just has to surrender all his willpower to her. Exist forever as a hollowed out, Empty shell, her glassy-eyed cadaver of a doll to puppet and put on display.

And the Somovem can make all of his dreams come true, can make his fairytale Once upon a time and happily ever after a reality, he just has to submit to their thrall completely. And, like with the Little Mermaid, it will also come at the cost of unimaginable pain. A girl who can dance beautifully, but every step feels like shards of glass in her feet. The pain of her transformation never leaving her. The Somnovem promising Lucien the whole world, and when he asks what it will cost, they decree, "Pain and pain and pain. A dear price for a man, a pittance for a king, and nothing to a God, cosmically ordained."

And while the Little Mermaid longs to meet her love, she also mourns the fact that, while mermaids live far longer than humans, they have no immortal soul. No eternity or gods or heaven awaits them. They merely fade away, dissolve into seafoam and cease to be. (Just a body without a soul, an abandoned vessel. Hollow. Empty.)

I don't think it's a coincidence that's the fate that awaits all mermaids--and that when Lucien dies, his soul is scattered into dust across the Astral Sea. "It's one thing to be in a different body, it's another to have your very essence scattered. Your very immortal soul divided into pieces, like so much confetti. I believe you seemed to fall for one of those pieces that stuck behind..."

To me though, a parallel that really stands out is the narrative culminating in a decision where you have to either kill someone you love or turn that blade on yourself. Hans Christian Andersen's Little Mermaid is granted a last gift at her darkest hour--a way out where she doesn't have to fade away into nothingness. A chance to live on with her family beneath the sea--a family who loved her enough to barter with the sea witch for one last chance at her freedom. And all it will cost is a dagger through the prince's heart.

But of course she can't bear to go through with it. She tosses the witch's dagger into the sea and falls after it to her death, choosing to sacrifice herself instead of the person she loves. And Mollymauk? When faced with the reality that he could only save the Nein by tearing apart Lucien--and himself along with him--he doesn't even hesitate.

He digs his claws into his own wound and lets himself fall to pieces. He never once thinks of self preservation, tries to barter or plead or find a way to save himself at the last moment. He knows either the Nein will survive or the Nonagon will--and perhaps through him, a part of Molly, even just a piece--but he chooses a painful, agonizing death over Lucien's warped perception of godhood and eternity.

All Mollymauk has ever wanted was to live--in spite of how harsh and cruel the world always was to him. He still wanted nothing more than to walk Exandria and fill that clawing Emptiness with joy and love, have just one more day out of the grave to live and feel and be almost real. And still, he chooses to offer up himself if it means sparing everyone else. When Matt narrates Kingsley's nightmares of Cognouza, he emphasizes that to Tealeaf, "It was worth it. It was worth it." As long as it's to protect the people he loves, letting himself pay the blood price will always be worth it--

"Looking out from within your prison, pushing against your invisible bonds--when your heart found the strength, giving all that you are to help those who gave you purpose in return. It was worth it. It was worth it...The moment you gave yourself and broke your prison. The lights, so many around you free to move on. The warm catharsis of letting go..."

Like the merfolk of the original tale, when Mollymauk sacrifices himself, it's not just death that he faces. It's total oblivion. Offering up all that he is. And he does it gladly.

But when the Little Mermaid sacrifices herself, she is welcomed by warmth, and light. Given a chance to earn an immortal soul through good deeds. And by the same token, when Mollymauk tears apart both the Nonagon and himself, he falls back into the Moonweaver's welcoming embrace. Given another chance by both her and the Wildmother--divine, higher powers that looked at this supposedly "Empty" vessel and saw a warm, bleeding heart. A "forgotten fragment" that was loved so much--and loved so fiercely and selflessly in turn--they became real and whole.

“Light gathers around the body, the magic attempting to reach out into whatever space holds the souls here in the Astral Sea, as so many go scattering outward now to search for one. A fragment of one. Or is it a whole one? If souls can grow from but a piece…”

I think it's both terribly tragic and heartwarmingly bittersweet that Mollymauk's ending echoes the Little Mermaid's own--a gutting sacrifice that leads to hope and a new beginning. A second chance and a soul made whole. Being saved and held together by the very love you sacrificed yourself for. It's also suitably a very romantic end to me, which fits Tealeaf perfectly. And the fact that the character who was inspired by mermaids goes on to become a pirate king...I do wonder if Taliesin did that on purpose, because I think it's adorable--

Anyway, I love Mollymauk, and all the Little Mermaid parallels, and wish we could listen to Taliesin talk about mer inspired Molly more. Also, this bit of character building makes mer widmauk one of my favorite au's--

[theygotlost]

Annotations for le Vimes playlist

hi. read this if you care

YOUTUBE VERSION if you want to listen without spotify

1. The Fool / Neutral Milk Hotel

A little instrumental preamble before the playlist proper. musically, I think it captures the state of Vimes at the beginning of Guards! Guards!. It sounds like a processional fanfare fit for a guard, but cacophonous and lilting, as if the band were stumbling drunk.

2. Wasted on the Senate Floor / Emperor X

Another Guards! Song, though the frantic energy reflects the chaotic excitement of the watch series and Discworld as a whole (and the excitement I get from reading it heehee). The title/refrain is pretty straightforward, just replace “senate floor” with “oblong office”. 

Some other pertinent lyrics:

That feels million to one [a million to one chance??? perhaps???]

Republican watchman from Virginia wraps his fist in a flag To punch our lights out

We've got bloody eyes but we're feeling good Causing confusion in the neighborhood

3. We Live in a Dump / They Might be Giants

I have to put a TMBG song in my discworld playlist, I simply must! Pretty much all the lyrics to this one are relevant, but the pre-chorus specifically fits well with the rank trying to get Vimes out of his drunken stupor and Vimes being dismissed from the watch, both of which happen in Guards! And Men at Arms.

Why be realistic? Don't wake me from my dream I was individualistic They kicked me off the team

4. Grace Cathedral Hill / The Decemberists

How Vimes experiences Ankh-Morpork. There’s a tenderness and melancholy to this song, since Vimes does have a sort of affection for the city despite how terrible it is.

All dust and stone and moribund

The air, it stunk of fish and beer

The suggestion of CMOT dibbler: 

We were both a little hungry So we went to get a hot dog

The pilgrims, pills, and tourists here Will sink fifty-three bucks to buy A brand new halo

This could be Sibyl, who knows!!

Sweet on a green-eyed girl All fiery Irish clip and curl All brine and piss and vinegar

I know “piss and vinegar” is an expression describing her personality (Vimes is really more the one full of piss and vinegar), but taken literally it would also accurately describe the smell of the city.

5. Dirty Old Town / Ewan Maccoll

A continuation of the themes from the previous song. I originally had the cover by the Pogues in here for the longest time, but I decided to replace it with the original from 1949 because it brings a more interesting color (the clarinet!!).

6. Precinct 41 Major Crime Unit / Sea Power

Another instrumental interlude, this time from the Disco Elysium soundtrack. Discworld and Disco Elysium are so closely linked in my mind, Vimes absolutely has Harry’s skillset inside his brain and you CANNOT convince me otherwise. As the title suggests this song is the theme for Harry’s police precinct, and I totally imagine it playing during an intense moment with the Watch.

7. Hurricane Drunk / Florence + the Machine

Yeah yeah I know it’s sooo easy to fill my playlist with songs about alcoholism. Well if the boot fits! Plus:

No walls can keep me protected No sleep, nothing in between me and the rain

Pretty good imagery here of Vimes’ night patrols and/or passing out in the gutter.

8. Down by the Water / The Decemberists

The river Ankh, if we’re using a generous definition of the term “water”.

9. Cap in Hand / The Proclaimers

FUUUCK the nobility!!!

10. Average Working Man / Panicland

FUCK the nobility… 2!!! He's God's message to the high class folk!!!! This is a perfect song for encapsulating Vimes’ RAGEEE

11. This Night / Black Lab

This one’s about the Summoning Dark/”The Beast”:

There are things, I have done There's a place, I have gone There's a beast and I let it run Now it's running my way

And then there’s this: 

So take this night And wrap it around me like a sheet I know I'm not forgiven But I need a place to sleep So take this night And lay me down on the street I know I'm not forgiven but I hope That I'll be given some peace

From Jingo:

He was, temporarily, a happy man. He was cold, wet and alone, trying to keep out of the worst of the weather at three o’clock on a ferocious morning. He’d spent some of the best nights of his life like this. At such times you could just…sort of hunch your shoulders like this and let your head pull in like this and you became a little hutch of warmth and peace, the rain banging on your helmet, the mind just ticking over, sorting out the world…

12. Get Better / Frank Turner

Vimes’ character is all about learning from mistakes and making an effort to become a better person. All the lyrics are relevant, but here’s the chorus:

I'm trying to get better 'cause I haven't been my best She took a plain black marker, started writing on my chest She drew a line across the middle of my broken heart And said "Come on now, let's fix this mess" We could get better because we're not dead yet

ILY SYBIL!!!!!

13. Damn These Vampires / The Mountain Goats

In terms of the song order of this playlist, this is the calm before the storm, the darkness before the dawn; Just one last quick interlude before the main event.

Crawl 'til dawn On my hands and knees Goddamn these vampires For what they've done to me

I admit this whole song is a little bit of a stretch, but the refrain is a nod to Vimes’ attitude toward vampires that’s addressed in Thud!. He spends some time crawling around like a beast in that book too.

14. Blossoms / The Amazing Devil

The crown jewel, the piece de resistance of this playlist! The Night Watch song of all time!!! I don’t feel like I need to break down the lyrics here since I already made this piece illustrating all the relevant lyrics. ✌ Ugh the emotional intensity of this one is really the important part. Leave it to the amazing devil to write Epic Music. 

15. Caesar / The Oh Hellos

This song also has a very Epic feeling to it so I have it riding on the high of Blossoms, but it’s less energetic so I think of it as a cooldown. I always thought the title referred to Julius Caesar, but Genius lyrics is telling me it’s actually about Jesus. whatevarrrr. Because I thought it was about the assassination of a monarch, I connected it with Old Stoneface. Compare:

Hear on the wind how the pendulum swings Feel how the winter succumbs to the spring Over the palisade morning will break Rise up to meet it, oh sleeper awake

With Jingo:

He had always wondered how Old Stoneface had felt, that frosty morning when he picked up the axe that had no legal blessing because the King wouldn’t recognize a court even if a jury could be found, that frosty morning when he prepared to sever what people thought was a link between men and deity

16. Untitled / The Long Winters

Just a lil silly one to take us out on a cheerful note! I admit this one doesn’t make much sense because it’s about living in a rural area and not an urban center like Ankh-Morpork but… I gotta get back to my shanty town!! And I’ve put a lot of folk music on this playlist bc even though he’s not a country boy VImes has some very folksy salt-of-the-earth sensibilities. Just let me have this one

[torashisama]

Siuaraine : Is Moiraine the top ?

Short, unexplained answer : NO.

Long and explained version : No but,

I don't think that Siuan is a top or that Moraine is a bottom. Not even that they are both switches. What I think is that they don't really fit into these labels anymore. (They might have at some point but not anymore, so far into their relationship). Submissive or dominant, it's something else, but "top" or "bottom": I feel are too rigid for something that's most likely fluid.

But then again, If Siuan had to be put in one of the two she would be the top but something like a service one.

"Someone who is a top in bed but likes to service the other person (mostly only doing things for the other persons pleasure ) rather then dominating them."-Urban dictionary

"An individual who applies sensation or control with the bottom's pleasure in mind, rather than their own."- Wikipedia

“A top who acts according to what pleases their bottom, which pleases them.”

Which does not fit into the multitude of narrative that are implied by her just belonging in the role of the "top".

As for Moiraine if she had to be put in one of those she would be a bottom, no doubts when it comes to New Spring but the show made this particular dynamic of theirs more complex by keeping Rosamund's ad-lib ("On your knees") in the show. Yet, she would still be a bottom and still is. Only, she wouldn't fit the narrative and implications of the role either. She'd be switching between some particular types of bottoms, she could be a regular bottom, a bratty one or a power one. It'll depend on how she feels basically or on what she needs.

A regular bottom would be what's most natural for her, whether she'd be bratty or a power one would depend on how confident she feels ordering a Siuan around at the time.

"Gay terminology, Similar to a bottom, but a specific variety. A power bottom tends to be in charge, and feels most powerful when bottoming, the one who bottoms is the one on the "throne" so to speak, "taking" the Top".- Urban dictionary

"A bottom or submissive sex partner who refuses or fights against the top/dominant partners orders in a bratty way" - Urban dictionary

Let's demonstrate how she still is the "bottom" (reminder that I think these labels are ill fitting for them).

1. Moraine's been flustered any time Siuan was around or she thought about her :

During the first Siuaraine meeting in the Hall of the White Tower, as soon as Siuan arrives and turns around, Moiraine is thrown off balance. Her eyelashes flutter uncontrollably, her breathing is irregular, so much so that she breathes trough her mouth as if she needed to catch her breath because she had stopped breathing the whole time (also, when Siuan lift her gaze to look at her she instantly bow, almost, if not in sync with her and everyone closely follows after). scene

Before going to the hut, when she's preparing to go to Siuan and Lan arrives we can see that she's ridiculously happy and excited of finally reuniting with her, she's eager to get there and just want Lan to finally leave so that she can go and see and be with her. As Lan is leaving she gets all flustered again just thinking about her and has to exhale to compose herself before she even starts channelling to activate her ter'angreal; scene

In the Hut, she somewhat pretends to be calm, composed and unaffected because she knows that Siuan must be mad at her about the hall. She does not move, stays quiet, just listens but then as she listens to her, looks at her, it becomes harder, she starts to smile and when Siuan notice her do so, she orders.

"Don't smile.",

Moiraine obeys.

"Am I forgiven, Mother?", she teases. Siuan is not in the mood for it and reminds her harshly.

"I hate it when you call me that. Moiraine is still not moving an inch, she waits and Siuan continues

"So much for the Amyrlin Seat remaining neutral without favourite" she stands up closes the distances between them and as she does so, Moiraine follows her with her eyes and glances at her lips before looking back into her eyes and Siuan finishes on

"No life, no love of one's own, nothing but the seat". Moiraine asks

"When have we ever followed the rules?" It's a reminder. Siuan finally touches her, she lays her hand onto her cheek and Moiraine sinks into it for a moment then looks back at her, Siuan grabs her by the neck and gently pulls her in for a kiss, a short but deep and intense kiss, she pulls back to look at her again, it's still hard to believe that she really is there, Moiraine wanted more but stays passive and

only take what she's given, she too is looking at her, she glances at her tattoos, still not touching her and only hovering her hand over her skin (I never realised before too) she realises that they are new.

"These are new" she says.

"A year, maybe two"

"you've been gone such a long time" Siuan answers softly, almost whispering, she lays her hand back on the other side of her neck and pulls her back in for a kiss, maybe more, as she does so Moiraine suddenly speaks and says something reminding her of their performance in front of the hall earlier, stopping her from going further, she's surprised, looks at her, considers saying something and prefer not to and questions her instead with her look. She (might ) thinks

"is it what you want?" and somehow she knows, her puzzled expression turns into a quick smirk before changing for the last time before she descends. It had turned into an assertive, almost intimidating look warning her about what was to come.What did Moiraine do ? She ordered.

"On your knees." scene

( Yeah, i ended up writing it like I was writing a fanfic, i know, was not intended, I guess you can't escape this happening when you describe this kind of scene. )

2. Moiraine cannot challenge or resist Siuan :

In the hut :

After she composed herself before coming in :

Do not approach because she knows Siuan's mad and that she'll get scolded for the hall.

Is told not to smile, obeys no questions asked or backtalk.

Later,

Siuan : Rest.

''You think I can sleep now'' (resist order)

kisses "I'm here"

close her eyes to rest (obeys)

scene

When going to see Siuan in her study :

Ny : Let her wait

Mo: "Siuan Sanche only waits for one woman and it's not you."" while leaving to go see her wife at the speed of gays that she regained in E08 whether she's followed or not.

She will not risk making her wife angry or upset even though she'd actually be waiting for her and she knows it. (she also probably just wanted to be the most amount of time near and around hee when she could be before she'd have to leave but I included this scene because it also gives use some insight into their relationship a part from the fact that it tells us that Mo is head over heels for Siuan, possesive about her as she won't share any of the special treatments she gets by being Mother's favorite, not even with them and that she's proud and overly confident (in a good way) when it comes to her wife and will not hesitate to be more open when she can allow it because no ones around)

In Siuan's study :

Just watching and listening to Siuan, we can see that Moiraine's visibly fawning, melting,folding, everything over her. Had Ny and Eggy been able to pay attention to something else but Siuan they would have seen it too.

The woman has more colors on her face there, after their night together than during all of S1 and S2 combined.

scene

In the Hall (oath rod marriage) :

Siuan: ''By the light and the hope of my salvation and rebirth, I, Moiraine Sedai swear to obey the judgement of the Amyrlin Seat and never return til she calls me home or may the creator face turn from me and darkness consume my soul.''

Moiraine: ''By the light and the hope of my salvation and rebirth, I, Moiraine Sedai, DO swear to HONOUR and obey Siuan Sanche, daugther of the river, clever as pike and strong as the tides and never return until she calls me home….. or may the creator face turn from me and darkness consume my soul"

In her family home, in Cairhien, when Anvaere tells her that the Amyrlin Seat demanded an audience with her:

she's visibly distraught

S2: In the hall of the Sun palace

Their meeting follows the same pattern as the one they had in 1x06 ( shoutout to those who saw my thread on the similarities between these two episodes on twitter), even though, this time she's not overjoyed by the idea but rather apprehensive as she wanted to keep her away too, as she's had been doing with Lan.

reminder in case you don't how that's what she had intended on doing with Siuan in some type of way : related post

As I as said these meetings follow the same thread:

Confrontation ( Why did you do this?/ Why didn't you tell me ?

Scolding-> ( idiotic risks/ Lan's consent)

Comfort ( Siuan's closes the distance and initiate contact by first laying her hand on her cheek, kiss her etc../ Siuan closes the distance, initiate contact in the same way but no kissing for obvious reasons (+ it's cairhien)

Tension/Discomfort ( Exile necessity/ "it's time I meet Rand'Al Thor")

She also pretends that she's calm and unphased but we can see that she is not able to look Siuan's eyes, that even when she does, it is part of her act and she surrenders as soon as she tries to correct and mask what she truly feeks like.(except when it's not about her, them, Lan but the dragon reborn and their mission)

When Siuan approach she leans back slightly, and when she does touch her, she fights against it.

Siuan tames her bratty bottom, and I mean that she literally does and proceeds as such:

She acknowledges the defying gesture and adjust accordingly

Instead of a caress, she chooses to cup her cheek in her hand and caresses her with her thumb instead

Moiraine folds here and there and melts into her touch and loses any ability to think of anything but Siuan until she's pulled out of it when she decides to let go of the hold that she has on her as she's telling her about her meeting Rand. For half of the sentence, her hand is still on her and Mo seems to just be lost in her eyes, as she somehow does not react at all, as if she couldn't compute what she was being told and it's only when Siuan ends and says Rand Al'Thor and finally let go of her that we finally get the reaction we'd expect from her.

scene

When they fought about Rand in the Sun Palace :

She dropped the ball when they were arguing about Rand.

After, she's angered Siuan she doesn't hold back her words anymore and at the end Mo surrenders, no backtalk, no more bargaining nothing just silence in compliance to what Siuan said would happen from now.

scene

"Siuan's dominant but she would sub for Moiraine":

As for those who agrees that, Siuan clearly is the dominant one of the two but would be more submissive in private or with Moiraine, well you have been showed thanks to the previous chapters that this simply was not true as she is still as dominant as she is when she's in public and fulfilling her role as Amyrlin Seat with Moiraine and in private. She's only softer as she actually cares about Moiraine's well being, needs and wants probably more than her own as she ended up being the one becoming Amyrlin Seat when of the two Moiraine would fit better (dominance set aside).

"Siuan's a bottom, she'd use the opportunity to let go":

For those who believes that she would be Moiraine's bottom because she'd take the opportunity to let go of having to always be in charge, I understand why you would think that. As it makes perfect sense for someone to want to let go of a mask that they had to wear all day long as it is exhausting (I understand on a personal level) but you're just mistaken about what exactly the mask she has to wear consist of.

To be brief and directly go to the point: Siuan is naturally dominant and takes on roles involving being in charge of her own volition. She's so dominant that she steps into these roles without realising it which is something that sometimes could have gotten her in trouble because of how she acted. It's as natural as breathing is, and as easy as we've all seen that channelling is for her. She doesn't pretend. This is what made the Amyrlin Seat fit her more than she fitted it.

Simply put, the Amyrlin Seat does not restrain her because she has to rule, lead, and command 24/7, this she does even without intending to do so. It's having to suppress her quirks, behaving, the superfluous manners that comes with the title and " sorinde, mashinde, obiyar isain shai".

Sorinde, Mashinde, Obiyar isain shai. ( No life, No love of one's own, Nothing but the Seat) - Siuan Sanche

e.g : Alone with wife and kids, she specifically states that it's Siuan not the Amyrlin Seat today, she actually never put on the amyrlin mode.

scene

e.g : With Rand she distances herself from her role and only includes herself in the group of Aes Sedais.

"Do you know what Tower Laws says the Amylin must do if she finds the Dragon Reborn ?''

''We are meant to cage you, keep you shielded, channelling only what we want, when we want and when the last battle comes you'll be the best weapon in our arsenal not our general.''

scenes : First Meeting/Six Months. Huh!

For those still not seeing why I used Eggy, Rand and Ny as examples it's because Siuan isn't only sweet caring etc…she's not putting on a mask when she stops smiling because Nynaeve's being disrectpectful or when she lift her finger and stops them in their tracks. She's alone with Mo and their kids. When she's being silly and cute and then intimidating and showing and/or exuding dominance, these are both instances of her being herself. She's not switching to the Amyrlin Seat Mode.

The Amyrlin Seat Mode is her being stiff, barely moving and standing straight chin up and no slouch. It's her not using her hands as much or not at all and not making fish metaphors or being as expressive. That's what she had to suppress and what would create the need to let go that you attribute to her having to rule and she gets it back in the hut which is why she hates being called Mother by Moiraine.

scenes : Cairhein arrival/Logain

P.S : There are other reasons why she even has to pretend even though she fitted the role but they would have to be proved by spoilers from new spring so I won't rely on them or add them.

As I feel that me pointing out how different she actually is when she has to act (or mask) for an audience or just official matters versus how she is when she's herself with no reason to pretend is enough.

Now, obviously, anyone can headcanon Siuan and Mo how they prefer it to be. I myself do not think that they fit into these boxes so I don't really think about them this way but as much as this is true for me, it still doesn't change the fact that Moiraine is still protrayed to be a bottom and sub and Siuan a top and dom which makes my actual point of view on this matter as much of an headcanon as it makes yours one too (if it is different obvi), and it is fine.

PS: if you like my thoughts (or just the way I think about things) and would like to get my opinion on something as a non-reader, feel free to ask, the feature's here just for that, also sorry for the delay to those who waited, might be nobody but we never know. I had some connections issues today and couldn't post before.

Here : "WoT about: Rand gets no hero moments"

[elisysd]

23. Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too close

Masterlist - Previously - Next

Please note that some parts of this chapter below the cut might not be suitable for an underage audience. Thank you.

Chapter soundtrack: Close - Nick Jonas, Tove Lo

After the proposal, they all gathered in a pizzeria that Charles had fully booked and privatized for the occasion. Everyone was invited, from Charles' loved ones to friends and drivers. Needless to say that the restaurant was crowded. The music was loud but not as loud as the laughter. Champagne was circulating for all the guests but for the drivers that had to be completely focused for the free practices. But still,it didn’t prevent them from having fun. Romy had forced Kyle into dancing with her in the middle of the room. He was spinning her around until she had no balance anymore and he pulled her against his chest, slowly swinging to the rhythm of the music. Julia was laughing with Louis to something their uncle Arthur had just said. Lyanna and Charles were both in an animated conversation with Elijah and Martin. Ludwig was moving his arms in stupid circles as he was talking to Percy, Leo and Lucas , probably explaining something related to racing as the other boys were all involved in different motorsport categories. As for Ethan, he was alone, in corner observing all the people he got to know for years, enjoying themselves while he was sipping on his orange juice, feeling like an underage kid.

He never thought proposals would made him so emotional, but truth was it did. Charles was like a father-figure for him, in a different way his dad was. Always there to support him and cheer him up after a bad race. Always a nice word for him. And Ethan had an immense respect for the Ferrari Team Principal. His eyes fell on his mom and dad, quietly enjoying some peace and quiet with Lando and Lily. His dad had his arms around his mom’s shoulders and she was comfortably resting her head against his chest. An intrusive thought popped in his mind as he wondered if Julia and himself would look as cute as them. Thinking of her, he found her in the crowd, she was not talking to Louis anymore who was still with his uncle but in the meanwhile had been joined by Percy. She was talking to Martin, a drink in her hand that definitely didn’t look like the kid’s drink Ethan was on. It was so loud that he had to lean in so she could hear him and he couldn’t help the pang of jealousy on his heart.

He didn’t notice straight away the heels clicking next to him and the tanned hand in his field of vision.

“Verstappen.” Daphne said in an annoyed voice after ordering another drink.

“Daphne. Long time no see.”

“I would have rather kept it this way, believe me.”

She played with her earring while contemplating her drink before she looked up and followed Ethan’s gaze.

“She is my friend. Julia. She once looked out for me, it’s my time now.”

Ethan sighed. He wasn’t expecting Daphne to show up. To be perfectly honest, he had kind of forgotten about her. Sure, he had very vague memories about her and the holidays in Greece but that was about it. He never thought she would still hold a grudge after what he had done a few years ago. He was young and stupid, she couldn’t hold it against him.

“I don’t want her to go through what you’ve put me through.”

“Come on Daph’, we were kids. Water under the bridge, no?” he sighed.

“I don’t want her to feel used. And I know boys like you. All you do is lie, and cheat and use girls for your image and reputation. And it’s not fair.”

“Don’t you think that maybe, just maybe, I care about Julia? That I’m not the boy I was almost ten years ago?”

“Guys like you don’t change. And sooner or later she will see it, I’ll make sure of it. ” she said, obstinately.

She was starting to get on his nerves. Firstly Martin and his proximity to Julia, now Daphne and her judgemental comments. He put his drink back on the counter with more strength than necessary and looked at her deeply in the eyes.

“Listen to me, and listen to me carefully, Daphne. I don’t care about what you think of me or of my relationship with Julia. You can hate me all you want, I don’t give a fuck. But one thing I won’t tolerate is you poisoning Julia’s mind in hopes to tarnish my image. You don’t want me as your enemy, Daph. So let us be. I make Julia happy, that’s all you should care about.”

“Do you? Because, it’s not you she is laughing with or seems close to.”

With one last glare, she left him alone, going back to the party. Still, her words stuck in the back of his mind, carrying more truth than he wanted to admit. Had he really change? After all he was using Julia for his image, having this committed image was reassuring to the sponsors that were now more willing to invest in the team knowing their names wouldn’t be associated to scandals. He just didn’t think feelings would get thrown into the mix and that his heart would start to beat faster when she was around. But he couldn’t forget how he tricked her into starting this with him, how he almost blackmailed her. It didn’t make him a better man, no matter how hard he was trying to convince himself he was one.

His gaze lingered on her and Martin. They looked close, that was true. She looked happy, carefree, her hand on his shoulder as he was showing her something. She looked beautiful, ethereal. Her red dress hugging her in all the right places, her red lips so tempting, her hair falling in waves on her back. And Martin that always had this soft look on his face when she was around, the glimpse of playfulness in his eyes, the way his body always leaned to her when she was near. They would make a pretty couple, he could make her happy. And that was killing him inside.

Julia was indeed truly happy. Everything had worked out the way she hoped it would, her dad and mom looked even more in love than before and she never thought it would ever be possible, everyone was having fun and she could finally relax and enjoy herself. She had drunk a bit too much wine to be slightly lightheaded. She was going from guests to guests, exchanging a few words and thanks for coming, before sitting down in a calmer area. She removed her heels and closed her eyes for a brief moment before feeling movement next to her and noticed Martin.

“That’s an amazing party.” he said, smiling at her.

“You can’t have an amazing party without amazing people.” she shrugged.

“You all seem so close, like a big family. I wish I could have that, one day.”

“You are family. You are part of Ferrari and my dad considers everyone working there as an extension of his family, so… you’ll always have your place around the table.”

He looked at her and she swore she could see his emotions in his eyes, as if he wasn’t expecting her to say something like that.

“It means a lot, Julia.”

“It’s not because I don’t reciprocate your feelings that we can’t be friends and… I’m not sure I’m supposed to say anything but we are going to see each other a lot in the next few weeks and I don’t want things to be weird between us. I like you, Martin.”

“Can I have a hug or is it off limits?”

She didn’t let him answer as she put her head on his shoulders as he got closer. They spent a good amount of time talking and laughing and Julia had to admit, she missed this close proximity. She missed his friendship and she hoped that no matter what, Martin would be able to set his feelings for her aside, for the sake of her mind.

She forgot how easy it was to talk to him, how good it felt, how natural and she was even more happy when Louis and Percy came to them, Percy saying how Martin was his favourite driver and how he hoped that next year he would have a real chance to fight for the championship. As for Louis, he wasn’t talking much but observed Martin before taking place, next to his sister and whispering to her hear how Martin had the same look that her dad when he was looking at her which made Julia feel guilty.

The two teenagers talked a bit with Martin, asking him questions after questions which he was happy to answer, no matter how silly they might sound. Julia found it cute the way he was acting with them and how he answered seriously despite the obvious will of the kids to embarrass him .

“You are a natural with kids.” she said.

“I love them. Your brother is something. He is cute. He seems shy, though.”

“His social skills are not as on point as ours. That’s it.” she answered, a bit defensive as it was always the case when someone was mentioning her brother.

“I’m not saying it as a bad thing. My sister is a bit of a loner as well. Louis reminds me of her. I have pics of her, do you want to see?”

She nodded and he took his phone out of his pocket and proceeded to show her every single picture he had of him and his family, not forgetting to tell her the story behind each of them, until one made her pause. It was still Martin and Georgia, on a boat during what seemed to be a very hot day but they were not alone. A pretty brunette was leaning on him. They seemed close, intimate, even.

“Who is that girl?” it was none of her business, she knew that but still. She wanted to know.

Martin didn’t say anything and looked at the picture, his thumb slightly sliding on it.

“Cecile.” he answered, with a stern voice.

“Ex-girlfriend?” she assumed so if she was referring to the way he had replied to her.

“We can say that like that, yeah.”

She didn’t ask anything else. He didn’t seem to want to talk about it and she didn’t want to force him. She excused herself, saying that she needed to mingle with other guest and went to the bar to order another drink. Ethan was there, brooding, something that was quite usual these past few days.

“Having fun?” he asked and she could feel how he wanted to rile her up. He had seen her with Martin, she was sure of it, but knowing that it pissed him off flattered her.

“A lot. Not you?”

“I do. A lot.” he nodded his head towards his drink and Julia couldn’t help but laugh.

“Stand on the podium this weekend and you will have the right to drink something stronger.” she nudged him in the shoulder and as she was about to leave, he took her hand and pulled her against him.

“Don’t go back to him.” he whispered in her ear, making her shiver.

“I wasn’t about to.”

“Perfect.”

He released his grip on her and let her out of his sight.

She felt hot, so hot. She didn’t know if it was because, she felt so happy, because of the alcohol or because of Ethan or maybe it was all of that, but she needed some air or at least to be alone, just the time for her to get a grip. She avoided Romy that wanted to pull her in the middle of the room for a dance and her mom that wanted to thank her again, and headed for the bathroom. She splashed her face with cold water and took a deep breath to calm her down. When she felt better she left and was about to go back to the party when she felt two hands gripping her waist and pulled her against the wall. She was about to scream when she recognised two ice blue orbs and suddenly she forgot why she even had to go to the bathroom in the first place.

“Do you know how crazy you drive me? Totally insane?” Ethan whispered in her ear, pressing her even harder against the wall. He didn’t want her to go back there and to mingle with other people. He wanted to stay there with her, his body against hers, away from everyone and everything.

“The good kind of crazy, I hope.” she laughed in his ear. She was slightly drunk and seemed to have let go of all her inhibitions. It was risky, Ethan knew it. The last time she had been in this state, in his arms, she had confessed her deepest fears and secrets to him.

He felt her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. He slightly avoided her face, resting his face in the crook of her neck, his breathing shallow. He could feel her nails slightly scratching the back of his neck as she was playing with his necklace. Her hands were so cold. Why were they so cold? It was making him shiver.  He wanted nothing else but to take them and put them under his shirt, where his heart was beating fast, to warm them. He could feel her breath in his ear and her red lips brushing against it. It was too much, way too much. He should back off now. But he found it so hard to do so. Everything in him was screaming to stay, to taste her, just once. He put both of his elbows against the wall in a desperate attempt to stabilize himself without caring that he was crushing her body between his and the wall until she let out a small gasp as he felt her breasts against his chest. The sound sent a wave of warmth mixed with pent up desire down south without him being able to do anything about it. He should feel ashamed but he was not. He was past that. He didn’t care anymore.

She had consumed his thoughts tonight. Her and her red dress and red lips and long wavy brown hair and blue-green eyes. Her and her laughs and her voice and her smiles and everything in between. It was her. Her, her, her. And if she had been sober he would have taken her right here and there. In the middle of the corridor. And someone could have walked in on them but he wouldn’t have cared.

But here they were. He nuzzled his head in her shoulder not resisting kissing the little bit of skin that was on display. So tempting. So wrong.

“Ethan…” she said in a voice that was betraying everything she was feeling.

“Julia…”

“I want you. All of you.”

Think with your head, Ethan. Not anything else.

“I can’t, Joolsie.”

“You can’t or you don’t want me?” she insisted.

“I want you. So bad you have no idea.” he confessed.

He knew she wouldn’t remember the conversation anyway, there was nothing wrong to admit it. He felt her hands moving from his neck to his arms and his chest, until they wandered even lower to the hem of his jeans. He didn’t dare to move, waiting for her next move. How far was she willing to go? When would she back off? Would she? He wanted to know. She slowly and shakingly let her fingers go under his shirt, tracing the lines of his abs and he felt his breath getting caught in his throat. Her lips started to travel along his jaw. In a desperate move he threw his head back giving her access to his throat. He felt her going from left to right and right to left before settling right where she could feel his pulse beating fast. The softness of her lips made way to the sharpness of her teeth and the roughness of her tongue and this time, it was him who let out a moan that looked like a cry for help.

That was the reaction she silently prayed for, an invitation to keep going. Maybe it was the alcohol that was helping her but tonight, she felt like nothing could stop her. She could feel him against her thigh and she had to admit, it was flattering knowing that she had this effect on him. Her. Not anyone else. Just her. She was burning. Completely burning and she didn’t want the fire to stop. She wanted to keep it alive. If he was the kerosene then she was a dry forest. The more she was near him, the more she was burning. Her hands still wandering along the lines of his muscles, her mouth still busy driving him crazy, she set a leg between his as she started to rock her hips against him in a hopeless way to relieve the tension.

“Fuck, Julia.” he groaned as he put a hand around her waist, the other still against the wall near her head and started to join her movements as if his hips had a mind on their own. He pulled her even more against him, earning another moan from her lips as he could now feel her nipples, hard against his chest.

“Ethan…” she sighed.

He felt like a teenager, unable to control himself. He had to stop but oh feeling her against him, moving against him, in total sync, it was heaven. And it was stupid, they were in a corridor, fully clothed looking like two kids that were discovering what desire was. He felt like being thirteen all over again and trying to discover how his body was working and how to control it. He was not an animal for God’s sake. And here he was, humping like a dog against a girl completely drunk because he wasn’t able to control himself anymore. He felt so dirty.

“I’m sorry, Julia.”

It took everything in him but he finally let go of her and ran away to the closest bathroom, leaving her gasping and shaking, wondering what had just happened.

When she woke up the next morning, her head was pounding and shame was all she could feel. How would she be able to look into Ethan’s eyes after what had happened the night before in the corridor? She hoped he wouldn’t say anything. It has been a spur of the moment, all this tension they both were feeling had to eventually come out and now she only prayed that they both could move on. but if she was honest with herself, all of this only left her with the need of more.

Today was the day and she didn’t know what to feel. She didn’t know how to dress either, she was supposed to wear her team attire but maybe she could arrive to the paddock in a more neutral outfit? Maybe she could match with Ethan, that could be cute? She was about to call Romy for help when someone knocked on her door. When she opened, Ethan was there, looking as good as ever.

“Morning. I wanted to go over the last few details before heading to the paddock.”

She hated the professional tone he was using with her, as if nothing had happened, as if whatever was between them was purely business. Did he feel nothing, after yesterday? Could Daphne be right and she was just another girl on his list? Did all they have shared meant nothing? She wanted to scream those words at him, demand an answer. But who was she to do that?

“I… I was thinking we could have matching outfits? Or is that too much?” she asked hesitantly.

“Dress however you want that’s not important. Ashley wants us to hold hands and to look close to give people the feeling we love each other. Which shouldn’t be hard since photographers sold pictures of your mom and dad proposal and we are on them. People already know we are together, today will just give an official confirmation.”

He was cold. Really cold. Not the Ethan she knew and had learned to like. He was back to his old facade, one she thought he would never wear again when she was around. Not knowing how to react, she simple nodded.

“Perfect. I will be waiting for you in the lobby, then.”

And without adding anything else, he exited the room, leaving her once again wondering what she had done wrong.

Monza was always a special race. Italians supporters were crazy and the vibes there were immaculate. It was always a sea of bright red and yellow wherever they were going. But as Maserati and Lamborghini had their factories not so far away from there, it was not unusual to see navy blue colours popping here and there. The media attention had also been more present these past few years and Julia was not surprised to see journalists and photographers coming to them. Ethan got out of the car, flashed a bright smile to them and opened her door to find her completely frozen, like a doe in the headlights.

“Joolsie? Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

“I didn’t think there would be so many people.”

“I thought you were aware of that when you said that we should hard-launch in Monza. It’s too late to go back now. Come on, I have places to go.”

He took her hands and pulled her out of the car as she crashed against his chest. She heard him say to the photographers to make way for them before she felt his hand gripping firmly hers as they walked to the paddock entry. Inside, it was a little less crowded. Not many people were interested by the free practices but still, they had to pretend. They didn’t even have made an official post that social media were crazy about them. They were the new power couple, they were cute, they looked so in love, they looked so happy, they were perfect and she wondered how people could draw these conclusions based on some blurry pictures, without knowing them. Because if they did, they would know it was fake, that she didn’t look happy even if she had to admit that they looked cute. It was definitely not how she wanted this hard-launch to go. She thought it would be easy, that since they got along it would all run smoothly. But the shift in his behaviour was so sudden that she had not had the time to adjust. Fortunately, it was only Friday and she still had the whole weekend to learn how to fake being happy and in love.

But as if her day couldn’t get any worse, as soon as she arrived in the Skoda garage to change her clothes and start her work, she was intercepted by Wilhelm who asked her if she had a minute. They needed to talk. She went in his office and as he closed the door, she understood that it was no good.

“Ethan Verstappen?”

She opened and closed her mouth, not knowing how to answer.

“You understand that it’s putting the team in a delicate situation, right Julia?”

“Excuse me, but… I failed to see how my private life is and my work life are related.”

“One could say that it could leave to a breach of data privacy, or possible conflict of interests. That’s bad, Julia, really bad.”

She gulped and somehow she knew what was about to happen. She closed her eyes, waiting for the final blow.

“We can’t keep you, Julia. You are a liability. It’s too risky to have you here. You don’t give me any other choice but to fire you.”

Author's note: Well, well, well... the tension is slowly breaking and the temperature is rising heheh... What do you think will happen next? Let me know your theories, I love to read them.

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