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joshslater · 5 years ago

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The Reformatory

A rewrite of jd07201990′s swimmer story. Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

T -1

Dear diary or however you are supposed to start.

So tomorrow is the big day. Dad and I are sleeping at a Holiday Inn at the other side of the state. Well, I'm obviously not sleeping. How could I? So I thought I should start a journal of some sort to document this experience.

Some background. Two months ago I was in a fight with Mark Samberg on the football team. It had gotten pretty bad between the football schmucks and us swimmers. The jockheads were constantly harassing us, calling us fags and prissy boys. It happened often and was getting boring. As the captain of the swim team I asked Mark to knock it off and get his players in line. Idiot as he is he tried to knock me out instead, and I lost it. In our scramble I managed to knock him down and was about to kick him in the shin when he shifted and instead I connected with his knee. Apparently it fractured. He'll be able to walk and even run, but he'll not be able to play again for years, so he lost his Scholarship.

His family sued everyone they could. Me, the school, the swim coach. In the end all the lawyers sat down in a room with a local judge and came up with something they all could agree to. Mark gets some study assistance to get his grades up, the school had this quickly brushed under the carpet, and could pretend I was never student there. Me not graduating wasn’t really a blow, as my college fund now went to pay for Mark’s education, as compensation. They were rich enough to afford it anyway, but they wanted to see punishment. I get the honor to spend the next 180 days at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center, where I will "participate in all scheduled exercises, activities, therapies, meals and medication programs". They can tack on some extra days for bad behavior without going back to the judge, but essentially I get 6 months at bad boy camp for standing up to bullies.

What will I do there? No idea. The website talks a lot about work ethics and responsibility and working together with the local community. Sounds like labor camp to me. I'll guess we'll know tomorrow. But first we have to visit the hospital for a check up. My first day in prison will mostly not be in prison!

Day 1, Monday

We started with a checkup at the hospital, and man did they do a thorough job. Our appointment was at 10, but before that I had to fill out a form with 100 questions. The doctor spent more than 30 minutes doing the most extensive check I've ever had. Not only that, but after the check we had to go to the sample lab to draw blood, and finally I had a CT scan at noon. After that, and a quick lunch, we drove to the actual reformation center, which was in a smaller town 2 hours away.

It's an old boarding school building that they've turned into this "Reformation Center", and it clearly looks more like a prison than a school. Just a heap of two story brick and concrete buildings out in nowhere. Not much of security, but then everyone was there "voluntarily", meaning that we all had a proper punishment waiting for us if we left. I hugged dad goodbye and was shown to Mr. Kerwin’s office by the entrance guard.

Mr. Kerwin was a lean, ripped man in his forties that oozed military discipline. He explained that he was responsible for my rehabilitation and that he wouldn't start soft. He would give me a packed schedule, and if I didn't pull my weight he would add more days for "noncompliance". If I didn't like it I could run back to judge Stephenson and ask to start over in juvie.

Perhaps that would be better, because the schedule he showed me was totally insane.

4:30-5:00 Breakfast 5:00-8:00 Exercise pass 1 8:00-12:00 Work pass 1 12:00-12:30 Lunch 12:30-14:30 School 14:30-17:30 Work pass 2 17:30-18:00 Dinner 18:00-21:00 Exercise pass 2 21:30 Lights out

He explained that my breakfast, lunch and dinner would be pre-portioned and I was required to eat all of it. The exercise passes would be lead by himself or one of the assistants. Again, I would have to follow every instruction. The work passes were done at local businesses that wanted an extra hand, and changed depending on demand. The school passes were done as a group on whatever subject Mr. Reed selected.

Next he ordered me to get naked and place all my clothes on top of my bag and move to the other side of the room. Having done so he pointed at a stack of clothes on the table and told me to pick my size and get dressed. I quickly dressed in one of the track suits from the table. There was a baseball cap also, which confused me, but was told that it was instead of sunglasses when working outdoor.

With that I was given a rule book to study and was led by an assistant to my room where a dinner was waiting. Turkey, rice, water. I was reminded of lights out at 21:30 and wake up at 4:30. The assistant left and locked the door. 10 minutes later he came back with my journal book and pen, and told me that they'll keep the rest for now.

Having eaten the dinner and having three hours (I'm almost sure 21:30 is 9:30 PM) to kill before the lights go out I'm now summarizing the day. I'm sitting in something very similar to a prison cell. Bed, toilet, sink. Everything is clean, though somewhat worn. Looking into the mirror is kind of depressing though. I look like some jailed gang member.

It's kind of weird that I haven't met any of the other inmates, sorry students, here. I saw some of them while coming in, but perhaps this is their kind of hazing, or they do an official presentation tomorrow. Anyway, I should study the rule book and go to bed, since I didn't sleep much last night.

Day 2, Tuesday

So much to write about, so little time. I might have to split this into several entries since lights out is in 20 minutes.

I was awaken at 4:30 and given a tray with a large bowl of porridge and berries and some chalky smoothie or shake or whatever to drink. After that an assistant lead me to the gym room where we went over various machines, mainly for cardio. Elliptical, bike, treadmill. Weird thing was that it was only us two in the room during all three hours.

Sweaty and a bit tired I was then taken outside to a bus where some of the other boys where chilling. Apparently everyone else had breakfast between 7 and 8. They had no idea why I didn't join them there. The bus then drove around town and the driver announced who should exit where. My group of four people exited at a farm before town, only about 5 minutes away. I don't know exactly since I haven't been given my watch back.

There we spent hours just moving hay. Don't they know about tractors? Sweaty, itchy, tired and hungry we were then picked up and driven back. At lunch was the first time I saw the real common area. To my surprise there were more boys there than had been on the bus.

Everyone else could pick what they wanted from what was served, but I was given a ready tray with an heap of salmon and pasta. I was starving though, so it wasn't a problem to eat it all. I didn't have much time to talk, but the guys at my table were nice. Somewhat rough, as could be expected. Apparently you were chosen for the different work assignments, and if you were not picked you stayed at the center for sports or craft or similar things.

After Lunch followed a session with Mr. Reed. The first boring hour was on English grammar and the second boring hour on US geography. I aced the quizz getting all 50 states and state capitols right, so I didn't learn anything new after that. Then Mr. Reed announced who had work assignments, and I was again selected.

This time I and Troy were dropped off at a different farm where we spent almost three hours helping with fencing. Mainly carry posts and sawing them to length.

For dinner I had some meatballs with roasted sweet potatoes while everyone else had meatballs with tomato sauce. Mr. Kerwin picked me up and led me to the gym. Unlike the morning session this was all about weight training. Most of it was on finding my limits for different exercises while Mr. Kerwin pointed out how I could improve my form. You could tell that this was what he liked to do, and encouraged me to push a bit further. Once we were done I had a bottle of post workout mix of some sort and a very quick shower before rushing back to my room.

Here's the thing. My room is on a different floor than the other guys. Also, my schedule appears to be different and much more rigid than the rest of the guys. I also

Day 3, Wednesday

I couldn't finish the last entry before they cut the light. My entire body is in pain right now. I woke up like that, and it didn't go away all day. Same schedule as yesterday, but different tasks and different dishes. The assistant really pushed today during the morning session, so I was exhausted already at the bus. Planting bushes at the city park all morning didn't help. I got some rest during Reeds rehash of elementary math. Then back to doing fences, and top it all off with weight training. I asked Mr. Kerwin about the schedule and why it was so different from everyone else’s. He said that everyone's schedule is individual and that he'll adjust mine as needed.

One more weird thing before I fall to sleep. Everyone else is using their normal clothes. I haven't gotten mine back yet.

Day 4, Thursday

FUCK! I was back on moving hay today again, with Sam, Trevor and Rick. I'm still hurting like hell and Rick is one lazy motherfucker, so old fart Farmer Joe decided to complain. The end result is that I am getting 2 days added for noncompliance. Sam, Trevor and Rick got nothing. WTF!

Day 5, Friday

We were carrying merchandise all morning and Troy heckled me on how I got more days because of the piece of shit Rick. But he then said that it was a weird coincidence that every work shift I've been on has been the toughest one.

Instead of going to class I met with the doctor from the hospital who made a visit. He asked me about how I felt, where I was sore etc. Then he gave me an injection which he said would ease things for me. I didn't feel much different, but I was getting really sleepy getting back to Mr. Reeds class, but it might just be that everything he did was too simple and boring.

Apparently while I had a check up Troy had shared his theory about me being a work magnet, so there were some groans from the guys placed in my group. God damn fence work again.

Man, I'm tired. I was tired even before Mr. Kerwin gave me the toughest weight pass ever. Fuck, I'm tired.

Day 6, Saturday

So the weekend schedule is different. There is still a morning work pass, basically only used by the local farmers. But the afternoon is free both on Saturdays and Sundays. Conditions and terms applies, apparently. Since I haven't done any cleaning or dishes all week (how could I?), I'm assigned washing clothes, sheets etc. Man, how much better it is to carry laundry than hay. Best job assignment all week. Lots of downtime. Only real drawback is all the humidity. It’s steamy AF here.

Still fucking 3h workout pass in the morning and evening. The other boys were pretty vocal in mocking me on my way to the gym.

Day 7, Sunday

So the day started out as any other so far. Woke up sore. Breakfast alone and 3 hour gym session. There are no work passes outside LARC on Sundays, so I was hit with cleaning, together with Kyle G. and Rick. Rick ghosted after like three minutes, but KG did a solid work. It took us all the time til lunch though to finish it.

Then my first free couple of hours all week. It’s insane. The other guys were low key avoiding me, so I did what Mr. Kerwin had suggested and had a walk in the forest. It was actually kind of nice, and for some weird reason I didn’t feel like sitting still.

Day 8, Monday

Same shit again. Mr. Kerwin gave me a shot in the arm this evening. Apparently I’ll have one each Monday from now on. Whatever.

Also I found out today that the others don’t have formal lights out. I’m on my own floor so they can lock me up and cut the power. What the fuck?

Day 9, Tuesday

That fucker Rick slacked off again, taunting me about another two days. Ha! I got 10. Mostly for kicking him in the teeth. They locked me in my room, so I had lunch there and sat in this boring ass cell during class and work. Fuck, I don’t know what’s worse. I had to do some body weight exercises to keep sane. Fuck this shit.

Back again. I still got to have my evening workout. Kerwin was pushing harder than ever. The order of exercises was different too. Apparently to make the major muscles tired so smaller muscle groups then get to work. Or something. I don’t give a shit.

Day 11, Thursday

They fucking work now, don’t they the little shits. They know I ruined someones career to get here and another one for slacking off. They better pull there weight

Day 14, Sunday

I think I’ll stick to just write on Sundays. There is only half an hour from evening gym to lights out, so there isn’t much time for writing. I’ve even skipped shower a few times. It’s not like it matters when you start every fucking day getting soaked with cardio. Not like there are any girls around to impress either. Sunday has a different vibe tho. Cleaning, running in the forest and taking a long shower.

Starts and ends with fucking gym time though.

Day 21, Sunday

I really fucking like the forest runs. Its like you don’t have to think and can just run wherever and grab whatever and smash whatever. Fucking love it

Day 28, Sunday

Yay! A full fucking month!

It’s crazy though how much stronger I’m. I have gone up one size larger track suite and 2 sizes larger sneakers. Working hard to make me the best I guess.

Day 42, Sunday

guess i forgot about writing last week. i think the monday shots make me angry or something because last week fucked up someone else on tuesday. at least they all give me fucking respect at least.

Day 92, Monday

i dont give a shit abot reeds borin ass lessons and they fuckin repeat on a loop or some shit. today he was back on gramr and the states. i most time dont fill out his shit but wanted to do it again today. fucking aced most of the states. not so good on the capitols tho

Day 203, Sunday

only 2 weeks left tomorrow lol then im gonna yeet the fuck outta here !!!! adios motherfuckas

Mr. Kerwin enters the room, carrying a folder, and walks behind his desk, not even looking at me. I am sitting in his precious fucking antique chair I pulled from the corner. He’s sitting his ass down, rifles through the papers in the folder and starts to read from one of them.

“John Hamlin agrees to 180 days of rehabilitation training at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center, where he will participate in all scheduled exercises, activities, therapies, meals and medication programs, with a possible extension of 30 days for noncompliance and a possible extension of 60 days for infractions as described by the Juvenile Rehabilitation Act (JuRA), section 1103 (b).”

He looks up at me. It sounded like easy shit when I said yes to it. I thought half a year in a bad boy summer camp, or worst case something like prison, but that would have been miles better than this fucking non-stop hard labor shit. And 180 days was a fucking joke. They never fucking intended that to be the actual time. Have someone else slack off and the slap another 2 days to the time. Kick a chair to pieces, 5 days. Punch a guy for being a cunt, 10 days. I’m close to having another fucking outburst again. It must be all that fucking shit they put in the food or shakes or whatever. I fight it. I don’t want to show any emotion in front of him. I don’t think he buys my shit.

“There is another document in the agreement that you haven’t heard. This one between Mark and judge Andrews.”

He pulls out another paper from the folder and read it.

“The state hereby directs Mark Samberg, or person(s) by him so designated, to design and oversee the rehabilitation program of John Hamlin to be administrated at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center. This includes physical exercises, physical therapy, education, consoling, dietary plan and medication, as long as it fulfills the positive development criteria (Appendix D), is within the available services at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center (Appendix A) and within the given budget (Appendix C). Additional services require external financing and approval from the Reformation Center management (Appendix B).”

That doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why the hell had the judge put Mark in charge of my schedule? I understand why he’d want to make the experience suck as much as fucking possible for me, by why had everyone agreed to it? Kerwin looks at me as if he can read an open book.

“You are wondering what has happened to you. What was the meaning of all this? Stand up.”

I jump to my feet. There are still weeks he can add to my time here, and I don’t want to give him any fucking reason to add some shit.

“Stand with your feet as close together as you can.”

He’s never asked me to do that before. I can easily tap me feet together, but I can’t really stand still with my feet right next to each other for long. What the fuck is this bullshit? My thighs are too massive for that.

“Sit down again.”

He leans back and watches me with a bemused smirk.

“Imagine that you’d been away from swimming half a year. Even if you kept in shape it would take you months to be back in good enough technique to clear the swim team tryouts. But you have not kept in shape, have you? You have a completely new shape.”

The blood is draining from my face. I understand where this is going.

“With your upper body build you can physically really only do butterfly strokes properly, but if you can’t bring your feet together the leg kick will just be a wild thrashing of water. You swimming medley would be a hilarious joke. We haven’t even talked about you almost doubling in weight, and how much more oxygen you would need to swim. Sure, you are much stronger now, but old you would swim circles around new you. And that is of course the point. If Mark couldn’t have his sports career, he didn’t want you to have yours either. And the judge agreed.”

I’m surprised that the chair doesn’t break, as hard as I’m squeezing it. I’m boiling with fucking rage. I have to really focus to not to act on it.

“Now the judge specifically set out that this transformation couldn’t be punishment in itself, but rather that you were trained in a way that just wasn’t optimal for swimming. We may have gone a bit overboard with the body building to leave you many options though. You’ll obviously never be competitive in anything with speed or agility, like football or boxing. The metabolic conditioning, hormone treatment and gene therapy have far to long lasting effects to change you back from where you are now. You could try wrestling or weight lifting though, unless you mind showing your erection through spandex.”

“What the fuck?”, I said, as much as a general question to all the things he’d said. What does metabolic conditioning mean? Gene therapy? Erections?

“The medical regimen that Marks family found for you kind of put the feet on both the gas and the break at the same time. It forces the body to grow a lot at the same time as we try to stop it, so it has to try even harder. By injecting stem cells with the right CRISPR-modified DNA we could get rapid, major and long lasting changes. Well, I say we, but all I did was to make sure you kept to the exercise regimen, for a little cash on the side… Surely you didn’t think you got larger feet and dick from eating much and working hard?”

I don’t understand exactly what they done to me, but the result is pretty fucking clear. There was no way I would swim competitively ever again, if I could even fucking swim at all now. I would come out of here looking like a fucking balloon animal muscle jock, and shedding the muscles back to where I were would take shitloads of years.

“The hormone treatment finished two weeks ago and last blood sample shows that your natural hormone levels will keep you muscled and pumped probably well into your forties. So this morning I also cut you off from all suppressive medication as well. That is going to spike your hormone levels and mess quite a bit with you, so we need to see just how badly fucked up you are before we can release you.”

“The good doctor say that you’ll be more irritable and have more excess energy than before. Both something you can work on with regular, hard exercise. But I want to see where you really are at now, so starting today you’ll have no required gym time and labor passes. You can wake up when you want, eat what you want and do what you want.”

“You said erections?”, I asked.

“Yeah, the suppression medication should have kept you limp. You haven’t jacked off while here, have you? Well, you heard what I said about gas and break and compensation. Your body has been pumping massive amounts of hormones into your blood, and will continue to do so. But now that you don’t have the suppressives anymore you should expect to be horny for the next decade or two. You’ll be nothing but a lumbering muscle dildo.”

There’s a crack somewhere inside the wood of the armrest. Fucking fourteen more days, I have to remind myself. Don’t fuck any shit up before then. If I let go of the chair I’m quite positive I will knock him the fuck out. Fourteen fucking more shit days.

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revisionaryhistory · 4 years ago

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Three Days ~ 55

~*~Sebastian~*~

I stared at her. Stunned. I'm not sure if it's how the conversation went or she wants me and whatever comes with me. Emma is so intentional. Her words carry meaning. She wants to be clear and asks for clarity. This is heaven for my overthinking brain. I’m not stuck wondering what she means nor am I afraid to ask. Because I know she'll answer. Really answer.

"I've got eight years on you, how are you the more mature one?"

"Stabilizing influence and frighteningly direct communication of my second dad."

The expression on her face and deadpanned delivery had me laughing. "I can see that. I'll be the emotionally reactive one and you can be the calming one." Then I remembered. "Although, Eli did tell a story about you laying into some guy in Hawaii at a volleyball game. Ed dumped you in the ocean. I wish there was video."

"There is. You'll have to get dad to send it to you."

Tuesday was a good day. Workout was hard and my abs were already sore, but we'd laughed a lot. Good phone call with mom. The house had come together, she was enjoying some time in the pool, and she'd picked up some piano students. My afternoon was spent in my manager, Emily's, office. Mostly she and I, but a few conference calls. I was about to be busy. The next six weeks I was more gone than home. I was excited about the work. Excited to see friends.

Admittedly, the timing wasn't the greatest, new relationship and all, but I was confident we'd figure it out. This is different. I'd like to say it was because my previous experience is whining and bitching about me being gone so long, knowing I was going to pay for the distance, and trying to front-load my leaving to make it more palatable. While all of those all true, the actual difference is I care. The emotionally unavailable hot and cold thing comes into play here. I put up a wall to block the whining and bitching, not really listening, because it's my job. Bitching at me isn’t going to change anything and I’m not going to feel guilty for doing my job. Well, I do, but it just pisses me off because I shouldn’t. The expectation of gifts, dinners, or a vacation to make up for being gone made those a lot less fun. And I was never successful at cramming a bunch of stuff in before I left, because my work didn't start when I left. It starts weeks before. I don’t leave for filming for a month, but I’m already prepping: gym reading, watching things, research, and studying the script. I get pretty singularly focused. I don't know any other way. And when pushed I shut down. I don't respond. I brood. And I appear cold. None of this is right. Some just is. Some is my fault. Getting to where I didn't care about her (any of the previous hers) feelings and concerns with me gone was a side effect of shutting down and I regret doing that. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about her feelings. It was feeling ineffectual to do anything about it and my self-protection kicking in. Looking back, saying effectively “deal with it” was incredibly insensitive. Not proud of it.

But now, sitting here looking at my schedule I’m finding places I can find some time for us. We’ll figure it out. I can tell you what won’t happen. Emma won't whine where I block her out. She's not going to emotionally blackmail me for things, which will make me want to give. And she’ll leave me alone to prep, let me bounce things off her, or cook something to remind me to eat. I need all of those. I care how Emma's going to feel about me being gone. I care about what we’ve begun and how we'll keep in touch. I also know that while I'm away she will carry on living the life she had before she had me and be just fine.

Emma had practice tonight and a game tomorrow. It was after eight when she called. She was in a tank top and her hair was wet from her shower. I caught up on her day before leading into mine. "I have good news and bad news."

"OK." Emma drug out the word, wary of my response.

"When I get back from Canada, I've got some time to spend with you. Then I’m gone for the month of July. Fashion show, audition and meetings, comic con, then filming in Rome." Playing off last night’s conversation, I added. "I'm not expecting a bad reaction."

"Well, that's good." Her hand moved toward the screen and I chose to believe she was touching my face. "I'II miss you, but I’m excited for you. And me getting to hear about what you're doing. Living vicariously."

I'd had some time to think. I had a lot of thoughts on plans. This was the soonest. "You get back Tuesday, doubleheader Wednesday, and I get back late Thursday. What's your weekend look like?"

"Empty. I'll come to you. You'll barely be home if you come here. I can come anytime Friday. I'll be done with work except maybe packing up my room. I can do that whenever."

"Early Friday. Thursday night." I wanted to maximize our time. "I have to do some work."

"I can amuse myself."

"Maybe the shop you liked so much will be having a sale?" I laughed at the way her eyes lit up. "July fourth weekend I'm at a fashion show. Wanna go to Paris?"

"What?" Her face moved closer to the screen. I’d surprised her.

"Not necessarily Paris, but near. The third is the show. Have you been to Paris?"

"Family spent the summer in Europe when we were thirteen. Then Pearl Jam tours. Love Paris."

"Not much more than a long weekend, but museums and I'm sure we can find some romantic Paris shit to do."

"I would love to go to Paris with you."

That was good because I'd already made reservations. "California for about two weeks then straight to Italy for at least that. Depends on how long shooting takes. Hopefully back in time to join you in Chicago. Then nothing until the end of August. Will and I had been talking about a group of us going away. We were waiting for my schedule. What do you think about a group trip and we stay a little longer or go off alone? It would be a beach somewhere."

"You going to rub sunscreen on me?"

"Um yay, part of my volleyball job. Beer bitch and sunscreen applier."

“I’m in."

"End of August is a Disney thing. Labor Day weekend is the Toronto Film Fest. Little stuff in there, nothing big. No idea past then."

She laughed, eyes wide, and moving her head in all directions "It's crazy like a tour schedule. I'm jealous. I love touring."

"I thought about Rome, but the schedule's tight. You wouldn't see me."

"I wasn't trying for an invite. I'll get some of my summer PD hours done so I won't have to worry about them. Make sure I've got time for us."

I leaned back on the couch, "That was easy."

She glared at me. "I thought you weren't expecting a bad reaction?"

I shook my head, "No, no, I wasn't. Just an observation. Thought I might have to talk you into the beach." I held it a second before smiling, "Not really. I do know it’s a lot."

"I will always go to a beach."

"You’re not allowed to play volleyball."

"Did you get the video from dad?"

"About an hour ago." I'd enjoyed it several times. "You're a feisty little thing."

Wednesday was a day of pictures and texts. After the gym, I settled in my extra room to prep. I had my laptop on the table, a stack of books on top of my script, and a huge bottle of water. I took a picture and posted it to Instagram along with one of me with a pencil between my teeth and pulling my hair.

Emma ~ How'd you get a picture of your expression during your last blow job?

Sebastian ~ Hidden camera in bedroom. You should see the other things I have. Coupling Season 1. "The Cupboard of Patrick's Love."

Emma ~ “You really don't have enough blood for both ends of your body, do you?"

Sebastian ~ Very good, Sally.

Love that she can quote one of my favorite shows.

After lunch, Emma posted a picture of her in the middle of a group hug with her students. "I'll miss my munchkins.” I sent a sad face emoji.

Then I fell into a hole. I got pulled into my research and reading and the next time I picked up my phone it was one a.m. I need time like this and put my phone on do not disturb. The only thing that comes through is two calls from the same number within a few minutes. Anyone important knows how to reach me. Emma knew, but she didn't. Not even when the Demonic Crickets won their game. She posted several pictures, but I got a much better one in a text. Emma with her back to the camera in her team tank, arm up flexing her bicep, and her looking over her shoulder smiling at me. The gold flecks in her eyes were sparkling and the darker ring made the green more intense.

Emma ~ Hope you're getting a lot done. Internally anyway. XOXO

Sebastian ~ * 12 hours later * Yeah, I did. I'm hungry. Congrats on the win. Picture is beautiful.

Sebastian ~ You're beautiful

Her thank you came while I was working out. After a shower, I fell back into my hole until it was time for therapy.

I'd been seeing Celie for a long time. Frequency varied. She had a dark brown bob, glasses, and a round face. At this point, I could read her as well as she could me. If she was looking at me over her glasses, she thought I was full of shit. No words needed. She was about ten years older than me and her style worked for me. It was a great one-sided friendship.

I took my regular spot on the blue couch, "How are you today, Celie?"

Celie smiled. She had the unconditional positive regard thing down. I say that, but she does genuinely like me. Most of the time. I can be a pain in the ass. "I've had a good day and after you I get to go home. You seem to be in a good mood. Tell what's going on with you, Seb."

I was always her last client of the day. Sometimes I needed more than an hour. "I am in a good mood. I met somebody. Last time I saw you I was going to help my parents move. I met Emma there. In a grocery store, if you can believe that."

"Sounds like you can't."

"I asked her to dinner in under fifteen minutes."

She widened her eyes in disbelief. Exactly my point. "Did you? Good for you, Seb. A complete stranger. What led you to ask her out?"

"I was all covered up and she tells me I looked like a rehab patient checking into the clinic up the road. But she was kind to me. A sketchy stranger. She didn’t know who I was until we were outside and I introduced myself. She helped me find the things on my list and we chatted." I put my hands in front of my chest, fingers splayed. "She felt good. I didn't know why, just enough that I knew I wanted to know more.”

“And what do you know now?”

I spent the next several minutes telling Celie the salient points. We’ve been doing this long enough that explaining isn’t necessary. She’ll recognize why things are important. My face hurt from smiling after I was finished talking about Emma. I stopped short of the whole conversation on Sunday.

“Besides the obvious early relationship high, how are you feeling about all this?”

“Good. Happy. Hopeful. The only concerning thing was Saturday I woke up from a night terror, panic attack. I got myself calmed down pretty quick, wrote for a while, and once Emma got up I went for a run.”

“Even with being happy, there’s been quite a bit of emotional activity. I’m pleased that you’ve only woken up once. Much better. What do you suspect triggered you?”

I took a deep breath, “Emma and I wound up in this conversation Sunday afternoon. A couple of my friends at the party had told her I wasn’t acting like I normally do with women, but more like I am with friends. This led to a conversation about my relationship issues. I’m not the same with her. She really doesn’t know that version of me. I think that’s why I had the anxiety. It was the night after the party but before the conversation. First time we’d been around my friends. I think it was not because I’m scared, but because I’m not. Like you said, there’s been a lot of emotional shit going on and I’m good. Remarkably good.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Emma is different. She’s incredibly kind and is . . . gentle. Not weak though. She’s strong.”

Celie shook her head, “When I think of gentle people it’s a combination. They can be painfully truthful, but their manner makes others able to listen. They have a compassion for others.”

“Exactly! I noticed she knew everyone. She talked to everyone and used their name. I asked and she said she looked at their nametags and you never know what someone’s day has been. That might be the first nice thing that’s happened all day. I know it’s a little thing, but it’s her. She’s like that with me. She doesn’t try to talk me out of being anxious or overthinking. She doesn’t think my insecurities are stupid. They’re all just part of me.”

“She accepts you.”

“Right. The more we got to know each other, the more we talked, I felt safe. She doesn’t do those things I usually shut down over. I don’t feel the need to protect myself. She’s very different.” Celie was looking at me over her glasses. Uh oh. “You’re giving me the look.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Why? I thought I was doing good. I asked out a stranger and got this amazing woman.”

“Sebastian, as quick as you are to fault yourself, you’re slow to take credit.”

“Take credit?” I didn’t know what she was talking about.

She leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees. “You think this relationship is different because of Emma. You lucked out and met an accepting, kind, gentle person.”

“Yes. No. Both. Emma is different and she makes me different.”

Celie made a loud, jarring beeping noise. This was new.

“Ok, I guess I’m wrong.”

“You are. Not completely. You’re not giving yourself enough credit. Any credit. You’ve worked very hard. You’ve read. You’ve journaled. You’ve talked. You’ve done things I’ve asked you to even if you didn’t understand or want to. I’ve seen you grow. To give responsibility for this relationship being different all to Emma is dangerous. What’s going to happen when she falls off this pedestal you’ve put her on? Is that going to be an excuse to shut down and protect yourself? Fall back on old habits.”

I could feel my eyebrows pulled down and the scowl on my face. “So you’re saying this isn’t as good as I think it is.”

“Not at all. I’m saying it’s got as much to do with you as it does her. Previously you would have never asked out a woman you met in a grocery. But that seems to be the furthest you’re going with how you’re different. I do not believe for one second that no other woman you’ve gone out with has been kind and accepting. Or would have been if you would have been able to show them you. You used to do things to test them. You’d say or do things to see how they’d react. As we’ve talked, you weren’t being real, so you don’t know that their reactions were.”

I nodded then looked down, “I know. Pretty manipulative.” I felt Celie’s hand on my arm and looked back up. Her face was very soft with a smile.

“Stop, Seb. You need to be proud of yourself. You are doing things differently. You have learned from your past, grown, and come a long way in accepting yourself. Warts and all. You have shown Emma who you are, even the parts you don’t like so much. She can have credit for how she’s responded to you, but you deserve the credit for being brave enough to show her in an honest and authentic way. That allowed her to respond in an equally honest and authentic way.”

I grabbed a tissue from the ever-present box on the table and wiped the wet from my face. Neither the first nor the last time I’d cry in this room.

"If you had met her even a year ago, with her exactly as she is now, this relationship would be very different."

"The wedding."

"Excuse me?"

Yeah, non sequitur. "I was supposed to go to a friend’s wedding last summer but didn't because there was a change in my shooting schedule. Emma was at the wedding. You're right. Had I met her then," I shook my head. “I wouldn't have been ready for her and now could have never happened."

Celie shrugged, "Probably not."

I sniffed and wiped my eyes, "How do I get her off this pedestal I’ve put her on?"

"You seem pretty smitten. Maybe not take her off, just lower it a little." I laughed and she went on. "What you do is own your part. You have been making choices to improve yourself. You have been making choices to go out of your comfort zone. And you have been making choices to let her know you. Emma's been making similar choices to be with you. I'm sure you know what she's come through to be where she is. It seems like you complement each other. Recognize this is both of you waking up and choosing to be with each other. Talk and negotiate what that means. Tell her what you want. And when you're not talking you listen. Listen to what she needs from you. The most important for you is to keep processing the feelings with her. She's the only one who can help those make a picture. And you need to give her the same gift. She has things she’s not so proud of and afraid for you to know about her. We all do. You will need to accept her and treat her with gentle kindness she gives you.”

I was crying again. "She told me. I told her she was different than the others. She asked if maybe I was different."

Celie snickered, "I like her."

"You would. She speaks therapy."

"I want to be very clear, Seb. She sounds wonderful and she may make you better. You sound wonderful and I bet you make her better too. That’s how it should work in a relationship. You help each other along. It takes two people with self-awareness making choices to do what it takes. You both have to choose growth, honestly, humility, vulnerability, and sacrifice. I hear you holding up your end. I’ve not heard you do this before. And while she may be the right woman, you've become the right man. Please, please, do not underestimate how much work you've put in to become the right man for another person.”

"I want to go home and cry for an hour or so."

"I wish Emma was here for you."

I shook my head with a grimace, "It's going to be ugly until I get it out."

"Yes. I think Emma would want to be there to hold you and you'd find more acceptance and comfort in that than you can imagine."

At home, I grabbed a beer, sank down in my favorite chair, and cried. I felt everything all at once but fought to untangle the threads. Sad was remnants of the past and dissipated quickly. Its friends regret and shame fought a little harder to stick around, but they were toxic and needed to go. Pride and relief were together too. Celie was right. I had worked hard. An infinite number of hours had gone into figuring myself out. There have been so many times I thought I'd be stuck forever. Sometime in the last two years that I've been without a girlfriend, all the work must have come together. In the last two years I've been filming almost nonstop. Five movies have come out. Two of which were Marvel circuses. It's like all the therapy (and the work that goes with it) knitted me back together while I was busy filming and living my life. Celie had told me to trust the process. I couldn't rush it or make changes happen before it was time. Patience. I am inherently impatient. Pride was for the work. Relief was for seeing results. Finally.

Next was happy. I’m in a good place. I'm excited about the movie I’m making. I have supportive, fun friends, and a loving family. I don't need a girlfriend to be happy, but one does bring everything together. I like having a person who is mine. Mine in the sense of us experiencing life together. The good and bad. I like that. I want that. And now I have it. The beginnings of it, anyway.

After I pulled my shit together, I wanted to talk to Emma. I wanted support. Maybe not support, but I felt raw. I wanted someone to soothe the raw nerves, to sit with me while all this new stuff integrated. I wish she was here. What I needed was a hug.

Sebastian ~ Can you talk?

I don't like that I asked. It feels insecure and I have zero reasons to feel insecure. I quickly decided to cut myself some slack.

My phone rang and I connected to FaceTime. "Hey." Her bright smile and obvious happiness to see me did wonders to soothe those raw nerves.

Emma's face went from a smile to wide-eyed concern. "Sebastian, what’s wrong? You look like you've been crying. What happened?" Before I could answer, she jumped to a correct conclusion. "You had therapy. Good, bad, or cathartic tears?"

"Mostly the last one."

Her hand went to her chest, "Ok." She picked up what I assumed was her iPad and crossed to the chair in her bedroom. I could see her pull her knees up when she put her feet on the ottoman. She rested the iPad on her knees.

"Mostly a repeat of what we talked about Sunday. Celie said I wasn't giving myself enough credit for the work I've done. My growth."

As Emma had alluded to the same thing, I expected a smile or some acknowledgment of her asking if I was different. Instead, I got, "What do you think?"

"I think I still need to work on not being so hard on myself." I smiled because that statement was me still being hard on myself. "When Celie pointed out how I've changed I could see it and was proud of myself. I can’t see it on my own yet, but I'll get there. I never thought anyone would get past my walls. It wasn't someone getting in, it was me getting out." More goddamned tears.

Emma reached out and touched the screen. "I‘m so happy for you. Proud of you too."

Her words felt like a hug. Close enough for now. "Thank you."

"I know you're a grown man, but I wish I was there. Crying alone sucks."

"Oh," I laughed a little, "the chances of us having a messy reunion are high."

"Why?"

"A lot of you and I talk today. I know me, it's gonna hit me when I see you."

"I should warn you. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence."

I smiled at her exaggerated southern accent with the "Steel Magnolias" quote. "See ... gonna be messy."

#Sebastian Stan #sebastian stan fanfiction #fanfiction

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iwantthedean · 5 years ago

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A New Fall

Graphic courtesy of @atc74.

Part Five: Empire. Sweet-tart, crisp, juicy.

Summary: Y/N begins to show Jensen the ropes around the farm and town, and a new offer is put on the table. Pairing: None … yet. (But I think we all know where this is going.) Word Count: 2145 Warnings: Set post-Season 15, which I know makes a lot of people sad to think about. Square Filled: This entire series will fill my proposal square for BTZ Bingo.

A/N: Thank you for the continued support! I am loving writing this series :)

Masterlist

Bartholomew Kemp’s office was quickly becoming your least favorite place to visit. Since he had told you that you would have to sell your family’s farm, the bad news had continued to roll your way.

Today, you were visiting after the discussion with your father, letting him know what was going on, that an offer had been made, and that you were likely going to accept it. Your father had cautioned you about accepting the offer, and stated that he would talk to Bartholomew himself. He trusted the old business manager, but he determined that two business minds were better than one. If it meant the slightest possibility that you could keep the place, you were okay with that.

“I’m gathering the paperwork for your father,” Bartholomew informed you, “but in the meantime, you’ve got another, anonymous offer on the property.”

“Another offer?” you frowned. “Why is it anonymous?”

He shrugged. “It came from the bank, and they simply stated that their client wishes to remain anonymous -- they can do that, I suppose.”

You tried for the millionth time not to cry over all of this. “How does it compare to Jensen’s offer?”

“It’s fairly competitive. I’ll send this to your father, and I’ll send copies home for you to look at. How are things going in the meantime?”

“They’re going,” you shrugged. “I -- it’s more personal, I guess, but I made a peace offering to Jensen. He agreed to let me stay through the holidays, although now I guess that depends on which offer we take. In the meantime, I’m going to show him around the place more, how things run and all that. He’s coming over later to help me start prepping for the festival this weekend.”

Bartholomew kept his smile to himself. “Well, that’s a turn of events. Let me make a copy of this, and I’ll send you on your way so you can get ready for company.”

You waited patiently for the necessary documents, wishing with all your might that none of this was actually happening. You were past the stage of believing it had to be a bad dream, but that didn’t stop you from wanting, every now and then, to be past the sale and moving on with your life.

And to add another offer on to the plate? You knew that the land was good, you knew the home was beautiful … you never suspected or expected that there would be more than one offer on the place. As Bartholomew came back with the papers and sent you on your way, you determined that you were going to do some digging and find out who this anonymous buyer was.

* * * * *

Fall Festival preparations started with some simple yard work, Jensen discovered when he arrived at Y/N’s house not long after she had wrapped up her school day. The farmhands would take care of the orchard and the pumpkin patch, for the most part, but she informed Jensen that her family had always done up the house and made it suitable for visitors during the four-day festival.

“There’s half-days at the school Thursday and Friday, since so many families pull their kids out in the afternoon anyway,” Y/N explained while they raked leaves in the front yard. “Friday night is a big chili cook-off, Saturday night is the carnival, and everything wraps up by Sunday afternoon.”

He reached for a sturdy trash bag. Y/N held it open while he started loading in the raked leaves. “Sounds like a good weekend. I’m looking forward to being around for it. Do you get to enjoy much of it?”

Y/N shrugged. “For the most part. I’ll help Kitty at The Farmer’s Stand Thursday and Friday, and Saturday morning, but I always go to the chili cook-off Friday evening. Saturday afternoon we get the most visitors here, so I’ll be around for that. Then the carnival Saturday evening, and puttering around here Sunday.”

Jensen smiled as he dumped more leaves into the bag. He wanted to do things the way she did, wanted to learn how things were done so he wasn’t changing anything if he bought the farm. Maybe part of him wanted to be with her as much as possible, too. He wasn’t sure how to ask to join her without essentially inviting himself, so he kept his mouth shut and helped her finish up with the leaves.

“Now, we bake,” she announced when the bags of leaves were all lined up by the barn. “I took care of the flower beds over the weekend, and I’ll mow when I get home tomorrow.”

Jensen followed her into the house, making sure to wipe his boots on the mat on the back patio. He closed the slider behind him and made a mental note to show up sometime in the morning and do the mowing for her.

He waited patiently while Y/N pulled a myriad of baking supplies down from the cupboards. She was going to make some of everything, she informed him, so that Kitty’s shop could be well-stocked for the weekend.

“Before I go, I’ll type up all these recipes, if you want.” Then, she stopped and frowned. “By the way, have you spoken with Bartholomew recently? Like, today?”

Jensen shook his head and leaned forward on the counter. “No, why?”

“He got another offer on the farm. This person is an anonymous buyer, made their offer through the bank. He said it’s fairly competitive with your offer.”

“I’ll call him in the morning. Which offer do you think you’ll take?”

She looked sadly at her desk and the stack of papers in the middle of it. “I honestly haven’t looked at the new offer yet. For lots of reasons.”

He didn’t have to know her well to know that the subject was upsetting her. Instead of discussing the matter further, he nudged her with his elbow.

“So, what do I have to do to get you to start with those cinnamon rolls for our baking tonight?”

The change in subject succeeded in making Y/N laugh. Jensen grinned too, and listened while she told him how to pick the best apples for baking versus the ones that were better for snacking or salads. They peeled and sliced apples together, then worked on doughs for both the cinnamon rolls and a couple of pies.

By the time their baking endeavors were in the oven, they were both starving. Y/N didn’t feel much like cooking, so Jensen offered to go into town and pick up some takeout. He returned not too much later with a large pizza. He set it on the counter, which Y/N had cleaned up while he was gone.

“How much of a slob would you think I am if I just set the open box on the counter and didn’t bother with plates?” Y/N chuckled.

Jensen smirked. “Wouldn’t bother me any.”

“If you’ll grab us some napkins from the table, I’ll get sodas out of the fridge.”

Within minutes, they were sitting on barstools next to each other, chowing down on the warm, cheesy, meaty pizza. Jensen took the opportunity to look around the house; it was so warm and inviting. The autumn decorations weren’t too much, but they were noticeable and tasteful. While he suspected that much of these traditions had been born of the three generations before her, Y/N had done an excellent job of keeping the house a home.

After they cleaned up the pizza mess and pulled the baked goods from the oven, Jensen decided it was time to go back out to the hotel. He didn’t want to overstay his welcome, as much as he was beginning to love being on the farm.

“Thank you for all of your help,” Y/N offered when she walked him to the front porch.

“I don’t know how much I actually helped, but … well, thanks for teaching me some of the ropes. Same time tomorrow?”

Y/N nodded. “You were help, but the company was nice, too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jensen lingered for a moment, unsure of what he felt like he was waiting for. Y/N looked at him, waiting for him to say or do something. In the end, he gently squeezed her hand as he placed a kiss on her cheek, then bid her goodnight.

* * * * *

When you recapped the evening for Taylor, her eyes went wide and she looked at you like you were an idiot.

“Y/N! He’s into you!”

You rolled your eyes. “Oh, please. The age difference alone has got to make him out of my league. Not to mention, I’m a schoolteacher from Middle-of-Nowhere, Massachusetts, and he’s an actor.”

“The age difference isn’t really that big, and,” she swallowed the bite of salad that had been stuffed in her cheek, “you are just as eligible as anyone else, Y/N/N. I think you forget that sometimes.”

You pursed your lips. “Maybe with the new offer, he’s trying to sweeten me up so he can buy the place.”

Taylor shook her head, adamant that this newfound epiphany of hers was accurate. “He held your hand in the orchard, he’s hanging out with you all the time, the goodbye last night -- this isn’t about the farm. It’s about you.”

As you took a bite of leftover pizza, you thought over your friend’s theory. You supposed you could see where she would see all of that, but you still weren’t buying it.

“We’ll see, when all is said and done,” Taylor shrugged. She was so confident she was right, but you didn’t even want to hope.

Hell, you didn’t even want to admit that you were into Jensen, too.

* * * * *

Right after school let out and all of the kids had been picked up or sent home on the bus, you drove over to The Farmer’s Stand. A crowd was already starting to gather; you took that as a good sign.

“Where do you want me to start, Ms. Kitty?”

She waved you over to the cash register. “I’d like to get out from behind this counter for a while, if you don’t mind. Mingle with people.”

“No, I don’t mind.”

She gave you a hug before going to walk the floor of the little market. You returned it, then set down on the stool behind the counter, waiting for customers to bring up their goods for purchase. Ms. Kitty had thought ahead and had a price list set out for you; you’d run the register before, so you were pretty set in your job for the afternoon.

Stephen, Ms. Kitty’s son, came in a couple hours after you. He frowned when he saw you sitting behind the counter, but masked the expression quickly.

“I guess I forgot the festival was starting already,” he mumbled.

The man was a few years older than you, but had grown up in town just as you had -- but had still managed to forget the festival? You’d never understand living in a place like this and not taking some pride in the town’s traditions.

“All the way through Sunday,” you commented.

“You going to be here everyday?”

No, your brow knitted into a frown. “Today, tomorrow, and Saturday morning. Just like my family has always done. Is that a problem?”

Before Stephen could reply, someone else spoke up. “I hope it’s not -- and I hope it’s not a problem that I plan to be here with her. Gotta learn somehow.”

Your frown immediately changed to a smile when you saw that Jensen had arrived. He found another stool to set next to you. Stephen disappeared into the back office, not bothering to greet Jensen or converse any further.

“He’s pleasant,” Jensen commented.

“Isn’t he?” you chuckled. “I’ve never understood how a mother like Ms. Kitty could have a son like Stephen. He doesn’t seem to care much about the town at all.”

“Thank goodness for you two women, to balance out people like him then.”

You rewarded his comment with a smile -- one that grew when he smiled back, and the afternoon sun lit up his eyes, making them a brighter shade of green than they already were.

“You okay?”

You hadn’t realized you’d been staring until Jensen waved a hand in front of your face. “Yeah, I’m good. Sorry.”

A customer coming to the counter to make a purchase provided a timely rescue. You showed Jensen the price list and how to work the register while you rang up the young family.

The distraction was brief, however, and as soon as Jensen struck conversation up with you again, your heart was pitter-pattering in your chest. You wanted to blame it on Taylor and the conversation you’d had with her earlier in the day, but you knew that these feelings were all your own.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Whole Shebang: @illisea @ashleymalfoy @busybee612 @mrswhozeewhatsis @sherlock44 @ravenesque @feelmyroarrrr @atc74 @theplaidshirtmadness @blacktithe7 @moonlessnight14 @kitchenwitchsuperwhovian @smoothdogsgirl @melbrandes @xtina2191 @spnbaby-67 @emoryhemsworth @goldenolaf25 @gabriels-trix @applesugar88 @rainflowermoon @deansgirl215 @thisismysecrethappyplace @calaofnoldor @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @sleepylunarwolf @chances-and-miracles @sandlee44

Jack Attack: @tiffanycaruso @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk

Two for the Money: @jayankles @akshi8278 @jensensjaredsandmishaslover @supernatural-jackles @adoptdontshoppets

A New Fall: @marilynnlew @backseat-of-deans-67chevy @traceyaudette @ellen-reincarnated1967 @maddiepants @littlewhiterose @tftumblin @monkeymcpoopoo @pinknerdpanda @thatgirl1456 @deangirl7695 @foxyjwls007 @woodworthti666 @writtingrose @flamencodiva @dean-winchesters-bacon @cap-just-said-language

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rkivepacks · 5 years ago

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TITLE: like waves in my heart, thoughts of you come to me Originally posted on: AO3/dtgloss Pairing: taekook/kookv/vkook (Kim Taehyung & Jeon Jeongguk) Rating: PG13 Genre: Fluff Word Count: 4,728 Trigger Warning/s: Swearing Disclaimer: This work is solely from the idea of the author. Should there be similarities with the works of other respected artists are purely unintentional. This also do not reflect on the real lives of the artists portrayed in this work. Comments, suggestions and any other concerns are accepted in my inbox. Thank you!

Summary: Artist Jeon Jeongguk gets an extended period of rest and the internet is suddenly discussing how he managed to hide the fact that he has a family.

Hello, this is Ganghan Entertainment. This is to announce that Jeon Jeongguk will be having his official period of rest after five years of active work as a singer-songwriter and actor. During this period, we ask you to respect the privacy of the artist and allow him to destress, recharge and spend the allotted period of time to address his personal desires and concerns. Our artist would also like to ask for your unending support as usual for when he returns to his official schedule and for consideration should you encounter him during his time off. This rest period shall last until further notice of official public schedule of Jeon Jeongguk and should allow him to return to you recharged in order to allow him to give back all the love and support he received since debut. Thank you

[NAVER] Ganghan Entertainment announces extended break for Jeon Jeongguk. [PANN] Jeon Jeongguk on official period of rest. Ganghan Ent. denies rumor of retirement. [K-N] Jeon Jeongguk taking a break from performing and filming. See list of dramas to binge during his break. [ALL KPOP] Jeon Jeongguk wraps up filming for ‘Yanghwa Saram’ in time for personal rest period.

[+191, -19] Kyaaa t-t oppa deserves it. He works hard. [+48, - 90] What break? What am i gonna do then?? Really… [+432, -64] Everyone… you all should know that idols/actors are also humans. They deserve to rest too. Jungkookie we will wait !!! keke fighting-ga [+329, -199] Gosh these people heung… Go outside instead of overworking JK.

“My phone will be on do not disturb. Gonna be ruthless for a month and a half, hyung.” Jeongguk says into the speaker of his phone.

“Yes, I know. I will try not to contact you that much you know, I need this break too. “ His manager Hongsoo huffs from the other line, making Jungkook chuckle.

“I know, you guys rest also. I hope I won’t need to see you for almost two months. I’m sick of Hobi-hyung’s face already.” Jeongguk jokes.

“Yeah I know. Now go back to your daughter. I can hear her from the other side of the door. Bye googoo.” Without much ado, they end the call.

True to his words, the child on the other side of the door has been knocking non-stop for almost ten minutes now.

“daddy, come out…”

or after a second of silence because honestly, give the baby some stamps at the back of her hands for trying to wait for a response from her pre-occupied dad, “ daddy, dinner time!! Come !!.” . Hyeon-goo has been whining as her dad-baby time was interrupted.

The actor jokingly knocks on the door before it was roughly banged by his daughter’s tiny fist from the other side of the door, and he deemed it safe to open it as not to anger the tiny human further. Picking Hyeon-goo up, they make their way to the play area where she managed to open the secured pen to keep her safe. He guesses they needed to either get a /taller/ one, or secure the lock. Or to outsmart their daughter.

Although Jeongguk has already officially started his break, his husband, however, was still out and about to finish his work just before dinner time. Taehyung also managed to get a break, which is why he has been rushing to meet with people to finish that part of the job where he had to leave the house and Hyeon-goo, so that he will also be able to rest and do some work, if necessary, at home.

“Let’s call daddy? You want to call dad, baby?” Jeongguk asks the almost- six-years-old who has been trying to unlock his phone, sitting idly on his lap.

“Call daddy, please.” And honestly who is he to even think about not doing just that. “I’m already here.” Taehyung answers the phone on the fourth ring. “No you’re not I do not see you in this house, sir.” Jeongguk replies jokingly, wherein at the same time Hyeon-goo pipes up when she heard the voice of her dad, “Daddy! Please come home.” She chirps, wanting to boss her daddy around and make him knock on the door this instant, while also looking cute pouting at the phone and bouncing with every word she uttered. “Hi baby! Daddy is almost home, wait for me googoo.” “Are you asking me to wait, Tae?” Jeongguk answers instead and Hyeon-goo craned her neck to look to her dad behind her, following the sound of his voice. “I’m talking to little googoo but you can wait for me too, baby I’m finished already.” Tae laughs heartily, shuffling her in the background. “Okay babe. I already cooked rice since you said you will be preparing the soup and some rice cakes but if you’re tired already I can do another dish instead since my soup is not as good as yours.” “No it’s okay I just left the grocery store since the celery we had in the fridge looks gross already. Also did you know that the sunblock I was using was out of stock because they pulled out the stocks for product design changes? I looked for it for fifteen minutes!” Taehyung ranted and Jeongguk notes to remind him to check again in their next run to the stores. “The celery has been there for a long time already. Did you just get on the bus? I heard some bus sounds thing.” Jeongguk replies, his attention both on his husband on the phone and his daughter being busy with the youtube feature of their smart tv. “Yeah I’ve actually been in the bus for some time now. I’m home in twenty minutes tops.” Taehyung replies, voice hushed and Jeongguk has just noticed in decrease lightly caused by the change in surroundings. When Taehyung gets home, Hyeon-goo has already fallen asleep, her head propped on Jeongguk’s thighs on the soft floor mattress they lay out in the living room for times like this, and he quietly pads around to softly and quietly greet his daughter as not to wake her and to appease his babysitting husband who was watching the muted drama airing on Thursday night. “Good thing I won’t be going out in broad daylight starting tomorrow. The sunscreen fiasco stressed me out.” Taehyung sighs, sitting beside his husband on the fluffy cushion, their backs to the sofa.

“I know you got something else in the meantime. Another brand.” “I did. But that’s not the point.” “My sunscreen loving baby. I missed you.” Jeongguk pulls Taehyung closer by the neck and softly kisses his temple. His desire to plant more kisses was halted by the reminder that he has his daughter currently sleeping on him and he makes it a mission to move her to another comfortable position on the mattress. Once successful, he returns to a chuckling Taehyung ready to receive the love Jeongguk has stored from the day they were separated. Jeongguk and Taehyung, ever since Jeongguk was able to receive the news and confirm the official end of his shooting for his latest drama, has made it a point to take a proper rest and days off from their respective works and duties. They also needed the time to spend with their daughter who has been growing up real fast, the parents feel like they have to tie themselves down inside their house just to be able to be there with Hyeon-goo anytime of the day. Jeongguk has been in and out of the country that lasts from weeks to almost a month. Drifting in and out for shoots set in an international location for the same drama he worked on for a god ten months. During his stay at some fancy hotel his management booked for him for the duration of his shoot, he has only managed to see his daughter wearing cute and fashionable costumes for her daycare activities in photos and videos sent by her father. The distance was hard for him and Taehyung, who also find it difficult to miss some days off to attend his daughter’s school activities and juggle his work with his tasks as a father to Hyeon-goo.

⍠⍠

Being with Jeongguk, in Taehyung’s opinion, is quite challenging. Not only is he dating an A-list actor, he is dating one that is Jeon Jeongguk and that alone, for Taehyung is a challenge.

Dating has always been a challenge for Taehyung and Jeongguk. After all, doing so with a biological child already and going out with a celebrity at that. He was putting everything on the line. The two has deemed it necessary to play it safe in the beginning. Meeting through a mutual friend, after all, Taehyung is a not-so-low-profile person. He is an author with books already out on shelves at the local book stores and a series currently in the works. Not to mention they might make a tv-series out of one of his works.

The two met at a birthday celebration of a mutual friend. One which Jeongguk met through his previous drama project and Taehyung’s close friend who helped him find experts to interview for one of his books. The two knew they would be friends despite of the circle both of them were used to. Several hangouts with other people turned into gatherings with less until it was only the both of them hanging out. The two often met in the privacy of their homes, which one would be more suitable for their schedules or often than not, depends on who would offer his humble abode, claiming that “it was your turn last time, remember? We were at your place. I will cook for today, end of.”

Jeongguk was a private person, despite being an A-lister. Although always in the headlines and discussion boards, Jeongguk has kept his close personal friends in private and away from the public and only letting bits and pieces about him known during interviews. Hence, no one knew of his real relationship with Taehyung.

Photos have resurfaced of the two hanging out in public. They are also both smart enough to only hang out with just the two of the once or twice in public, a space visible between them as tabloids and the internet speak of Jeongguk’s whereabouts as a public figure. Maybe it also helped that Taehyung is also a public figure and the people has only been speaking of a possible series that involves the nation’s sought after actor and a best-selling author of the present times.

[ARTICLE] Actor Jeon Jeongguk spotted with Best-selling author of the book ‘Pung-gyeong: Shadow’ dined with friends. Koreaboo : Netizens are buzzing with a possible new drama involving Actor Jeon Jeongguk. Said drama might just involve the works of 2018’s Best-selling Author Kim Taehyung, who was also last seen meeting with award-winning director of several dramas (see article ‘Rising Author Kim Taehyung seen with ‘Tokyo’ Director Han Hwon-ra.) Pictures have resurfaced of the friendly and laid back dinner of the bunch in the area of Bongeunsa-ro Gangnam-gu. The managing supervisor of the seafood restaurant Kkotji was able to confirm the attendance of the prominent names in the industry and assures everyone the warm and kind attitudes of or favorite actor and author. See also below the photo that the manager shared, showing what indeed is a short but lovely message and autograph Jeon Jeongguk and Kim Taehyung left at the restaurant, proudly framed and cherished in the establishment. The manager has also talked about the influx of reservations and inquiries amidst the public outing of the bunch. See more: Jeon Jeongguk on the cover of Vogue Korea + Tour inside his newly-renovated studio.

Krm3949 wrote: New drama? Isn’t he working a little too hard? Moko_ wrote: Don’t work too hard. Rest well! Jeongguk and Taehyung fighting! Ssiiso11: We all know what happens when they turn books into movies… But I trust Kim Taehyung and the Director-nim. Good luck to everyone then Wingjeu_949: You all… It is not even confirmed yet… You all seem to forget that they are also friends so this could only be a friendly outing…

The two were not always private about their friendship. But they were subtle, as subtle as they need and get, about their real relationship. They were able to post photos here and there, a few words when asked about each other, considering friendship between celebrities are always considered a big deal when you are…. Well… celebrities.

Fans of the two have always thought that their friendship was pure and youthful. Both men in their almost-late-twenties. (They are 28 and 29 years old, but Taehyung is not very fond of disclosing that information that much thank you.).

“It must be nice being friends with Kim Taehyung!” Taehyung mimics the voice of the MC as he reads the printed copy of the interview of the latter that was done last month in line with his photoshoot. Jeongguk would like to disclose that the voice Taehyung was using as we speak is definitely not the same as the voice of the interviewer.

“Ah yes, hyungnim has been such a good long-time friend of mine. Although our lines of work are different and far from each other really, we try to help each other a lot. Hyung helps me a lot more than I do for him, really.” Taehyung then mimics Jungkook’s voice (again, not what he sounded like when he answered that. Jungkook easily pokes the older’s tummy as they lay down on the sofa, the older’s head on his lap, arms holding up the magazine to his face, offering his abdomen open for Jeongguk’s attacks.

“Stop it, you don’t even know if it was a written interview.” Jungkook huffs.

“It was not. You don’t have the energy to write long answers like this.” Taehyung knows him well.

“Yes it is. Maybe I was not the one typing then.”

“You hired a transcriber? Such a celebrity. Can I hire them instead?”

⍠⍠

Taehyung and Jeongguk met when Taehyung was in the middle of divorcing his now ex-wife Choi Hyeong-wa. Jeongguk learned of Taehyung’s personal struggles after a few months of being friends, and when he found out, the divorce has already settled. He did not pry although he badly wants to. After all, he’s a friend of Taehyung before anything else. He offered support to Taehyung and anything that he asks without being a hindrance to the other’s daily errands and packed schedule.

Jeongguk never met Hyeong-wa, but based on Taehyung’s stories she was not a bad person.

“Isn’t the divorce extreme, though?” Jeongguk asked over a cup of tea and soft pastries in his home where he invited Taehyung over.

“We were already off for a few months now. We just figured out we stop trying to force ourselves together just because we have Hyeon-goo. It’s not fair to us and to the child, you know? I do not want her asking me one day if you love someone for the sake of other people and not for your own sake. I want her to find someone and be true to herself and that person. Am I making sense?” Taehyung explains in one go, looking at Jeongguk after he was done only to see the younger try to hold his cup with his teeth.

“I’m listening. Many senses, hyung.” Jeongguk quickly replies.

That night Taehyung goes home with a full stomach and a full heart. Jeongguk sends him off with a genuine kiss to his cheeks. One that could be interpreted as a friendly one or as a “I’ll wait for you.” one.

And did Jeongguk wait for him. The divorce took half a year, and the other half for the father and daughter to settle down in a house that is now only meant for two (and a half for Jeongguk who stays over some times). They did not automatically date right after the divorce. They were still the same as before, although if you ask from an outside point of view, they were more drawn to each other, almost as if they lost the barrier (read: marriage that involves Taehyung) between them. The touches were still subtle, but the glances were not. What is not subtle is the more frequent staying over one’s apartment. Sometimes Taehyung brings Hyeon-goo over to Jeongguk for the two’s play date. Articles have resurfaced and the photos of Taehyung waddling with Hyeon-goo around Jeongguk’s apartment area have surfaced the internet and people have been wondering who the child might be and her relationship with the author.

Hyeon-goo has already raided Jeongguk’s bedroom and apparently has fallen asleep on the navy blue sheets and soft comforter, cradling her ‘baby’ named Precious. The elderlies have retreated into the sofa, as it seems like the time is appropriate to bring out the bottles of beers and soju and some chips Jeongguk has in his cupboard.

“The baby is sleeping.” Taehyung sing-songs, plopping down beside Jeongguk where the two have settled to sit on the floor with their backs on the sofa.

“I’m not sleeping.” Jeongguk raises his head from where he has his eyes closed and looks at Taehyung. “Are you the baby?” Taehyung asks, face contorting has he opens two bottles. “Am I your baby?” Jeongguk retorts. Taehyung doesn’t respond. He just hums and drops a soft kiss on Jeongguk’s high cheek bones where a dust of highlighter would look as pretty as him. The two cleans up before drifting the bedroom where Taehyung’s daughter has been resting for the past hour and insists that they transfer to the spare room so the other can rest before his schedule the next day. The three ended up sprawled on the bed after a brief bickering on who will sleep where, Hyeon-goo peacefully asleep in between them, under one thick duvet protecting them from the cold. Taehyung has always protected Hyeon-goo from the public as he was a public figure himself. His baby is cute and that is a fact. However, he has always refused to let the public know of his personal affairs including his recent divorce and his baby. “Hyeon-goo, wakey wakey, mama is picking you up.” Taehyung tickles her baby in hopes to wake her up in a good mood. “What time is she coming again?” Jeongguk asks as he prepares their breakfast and Taehyung settles the sleepy baby on her high chair. “Two hours more don’t worry.” Jeongguk has only met Hyeon-goo’s mother a handful of times and almost all of them consist of when she picks Goo up. However, today is the first time she rings the doorbell to Jeongguk’s home to pick the baby up for their bonding time per week. “She kept on asking if we moved recently because I gave her a different address. Took a long time to convince her to just come. She asks too many questions.” Taehyung retells the encounter. Hyeon-goo was over at her mom’s for 3 days and two nights, to which Taehyung and Jeongguk have carefully planned out their weekend date. The date includes a stay in, a laptop and their phones open to research on a possible family get away. The couple plans for a mini vacation (the sole reason why Jeongguk asked for a break and so did Taehyung minus the grand announcement that was broadcasted on national television during the night time and day time news the following morning of the announcement), which includes Hyeon-goo so the two have been spending their first free afternoon together scrolling through numerous pages that can accommodate their little family. (Jungkook’s heart does NOT clench when he calls them a little family.) (Jungkook loves their little family) “You think Hyeon-goo would not be scared of the large windmills, no?” Jungkook asks as he reads reviews of the tourist spot by the beach. “I don’t think so. The wind must scare her, though. Let’s just let her run around the area where the wind is not too strong if there is.” By the time they have retreated back and forth to get snacks (nobody mentions the lazy hands roaming around each other’s body), they have a flight booked for the three of them, a large hotel room, and a whole two weeks planned away in a foreign island with Hyeon-goo. The next day, the two packs for their trip. Their plane leaves in four days and “I still don’t have a good ass sun block, Jeongguk. Sunblock. It’s important”, so the two makes a run to the nearby mall to do a quick shopping of things they would need. Jeongguk feels they have been spotted if the not so subtle phones slightly pointed at them are any indications but he pays no mind. He was not holding Taehyung’s hand when they are in public. The two have already had this practice of what they are once they step foot outside of their door. Taehyung finally has his sunblock, and gets Jeongguk a new swim short without the other man’s knowledge. Goo also gets a new pair of cute swim wear and sun protector stuff for babies for when they run around on the beach.

⍠⍠

During one of Jeongguk’s filming at the States, Taehyung followed suit for a scheduled book signing in the same state.

The two attended their respective schedules and gets a week off for their own personal rest schedule during their work.

Taehyung comes back to Korea without Jeongguk being physically there to drag him through as the latter still has two more weeks of promotion for his new EP he put out.

Taehyung also comes back as a married man.

⍠⍠

[ARTICLE] KOREABOO: See photos of Jeon Jeongguk on vacation, holding a baby! [ARTICLE] NAVER: Jeon Jeongguk and Kim Taehyung spotted during vacation with unnamed baby. [ARTICLE] SOOMPI: In photos: Jeon Jeongguk on vacation; see what the Idol is up to overseas. [+913, -130] What are these people doing? He clearly said vacation! His personal time and you are all out here taking photos of him and his friend and a baby(?). You all don’t know respect. [+313, -1301] As we speak they are currently getting a hold of information during this trip. How reckless of the two adults to bring an innocent child into this. [+3130, -942] Do not spread around the information going around the internet. Heartless people spreading the information of the child? If Jungkook and Taehyung chose to be silent about this it’s their choice, if they do release statements, it’s also their choice. Stop spreading information about their vacation. See more posts I ship them both! Just imagine their little family omg kkk Jungkookie holding his first born with his husband on the beach is canon. Delusional people, they clearly stated they are friends! Also leave the child out of this.

“Yeah, I’ve seen. No we’re okay, hyung. We’re being recognized but we’re safe.” Jeongguk speaks into his phone.

The little family has retreated to their hotel room with minimal assistance from hotel personnel as there have been journalists (“they’re paps, Tae.”) who have been trying to get a hold of the two (and the child).

“I’ll speak with Tae, our concern is Hyeonie. Thank you, hyung. Let me know, we’ll talk also.” He replies.

Taehyung had just bathed Hyeon-goo and is currently lurring her to get her afternoon nap after a short shower, which will be successful within five minutes of the two adults cease all noise and provide silence for the child. The two had already sat on the sofa just outside the room where Hyeon-goo was sleeping peacefully, ready to speak on the issue. They had known before even stepping foot on the plane that this may happen. They just had to trust that people would actually respect but no. “Worst case scenario, hyung said, is we release a statement.” Jeongguk explains. “I’m fine with telling them about us, but I’m not sure about Hyeon-goo.” Taehyung sighs. “Although it’s already too late for that.” Taehyung recalls reading through the articles with Jeongguk on the information they have gathered (they knew Hyeonie’s name!!! What the fuck!!!). That evening, the two have concluded to just order room service for dinner as they await for the statement being drafted from their agencies, waiting for the go signal from the two parties involved. They could not let this ruin their vacation. Although the two have been secretly reading through the internet’s reaction and theories on their own phones. “Are you reading more, Jeonggukkie?” Taehyung teases. “No? You are.” Jeongguk huffs, eyes not leaving the certain tweet he was reading. How come we did not know that Jeongguk has a child and married? the tweet says (no Jeongguk does not stalk but) which have already garnered thousands of interactions and reactions. The certain tweet also attached the photos from vacation. One photo which has Jeongguk fondly carrying Hyeonie, and the other one has the little family playing with each other but what sends the people buzzing was the not so subtle closeness of Taehyung and Jeongguk and the fact that Jeongguk was nuzzling his nose to Taehyung’s ear and Hyeonie was caught mid-giggle.

Actor Jeon Jeongguk and Author Kim Taehyung are actually, in fact, married and has a daughter. Another win for the gays. We all knew they were more than friends but the way this all played out… pretends to be shocked…. Jokes and memes aside can we all acknowledge the fact this is so brave of them? We support u taeguk <3

The discussion on the internet goes on as more people express the same thought: How the A-lister managed to hide the fact that he is in fact, married and has a child.

There have been tweets going around trying to put a stop on the spreading of the photos courtesy of some fans of the two, although it will be a little too late for that.

Jeongguk had been laying his whole body on the sofa and Taehyung plops down on his times, using them as a cushion as they continue to read through tweets and articles.

The next morning, the statement that will be released by Jeongguk’s agency have already been approved by Taehyung and Jeongguk themselves, and the two are also planning to release small additional comments on their own through their respective platforms, by the afternoon that the little family has returned on their little adventure and vacation (plan: bring Hyeon-goo to the amusement park), the statement has already been released in local time.

“Taehyung! Tae, wear this.” Jeongguk secures the unicorn headband on Taehyung’s head, matching the ones Hyeonie and he were wearing.

“We’re like the colorful horse, daddy!” Hyeon-goo exclaims, wiggling around the unicorn horn(?) on Taehyung’s headband.

“It’s unicorn, baby.” Taehyung corrects gently.

“Dada, let’s go, cotton candy, please?” Hyeonie turns to Jeongguk and the latter makes a big gesture as not being able to see the cotton candy stands a few steps from where they have been standing.

“Say I love you or no candy.” Taehyung teases the child.

“I love you.” Jeongguk says instead and after securing Hyeonie on one arm, grabs Taehyung’s waist with the other to pull him closer and kiss him.

“Love you too but no candy for you.” Taehyung replies, appeasing the older.

“Love you daddy.” Hyeonie grabs her daddy and also gives him a kiss, copying Jeongguk. “Love you more baby.” He carries her, supporting her light weight on his arms.

⍠⍠

Hello, this is Jeon Jeongguk of Ganghan Entertainment.

In light of the recent events and the circulating issue which involves me and two important people in my life, we have decided to proudly announce that I am indeed married to Kim Taehyung, the love of my life. Together we have carefully built our family and protected our love together in order to give our daughter Kim Hyeon-goo a prosperous but private life.

With this and with respect to the previous statement released by my company, and in respect to Kim Taehyung and his party, we wish to ask you to respect our family and as we go on and live our private life. We also ask for your respect and understanding should you encounter us on the remaining days of our vacation as we create memories as a family.

We appreciate your never-ending support and we love you in all forms.

Thank you.

Guk, Tae & Goo.

[end]

[See all works here]

#goldenclosetnetwork #bangtanhq #armysource #kgfxnet #vhopenet #taekook au #dtgloss 4 #taekook #vkook #kookv #bts fic #bts au #bts fanfic #fanfic #bangtan #dtgloss 6 #rkivepacks aus

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dcnativegal · 5 years ago

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Day 9 of a National Emergency

Day 11 of a Pandemic

It’s Day 9 of a National Emergency, as declared by President #45. (On March 21, 2020)

There are many creative memes floating around the interwebs: this might be my favorite:

“Kinda feeling like the earth just sent us all to our rooms to think about what we’ve done.”

Valerie and I are in the house in Paisley, with Griffey the poodle and Moe the cat. We have fabric and yarn for making masks to protect people, including us, from the novel coronavirus known as Covid19, which popped out of the animal kingdom to the bipedal mammalian one known as humanity, in Wuhan China, in December of 2019. The deaths from covid19 in Italy have surpassed the ones in China where many more people were infected.

“A staggering 793 people died TODAY alone in Italy from the Coronavirus. That makes it the single deadliest day for any nation in the entire pandemic.” (Shaun King, Instagram.)

Although the medical system in Italy is sophisticated, the people and public health system were too slow. And the average age is higher than average? Iran is also devastated, while the USA screws down tighter with sanctions. The countries that have dealt with the virus while ‘flattening the curve’? South Korea, Singapore, and finally, China.

There are no positive tests in Lake County because there are no tests. There are a few people reporting the symptoms of sore throat, fever, shortness of breath, and fatigue. Valerie’s friend, who is also Valerie’s second husband’s eighth wife, but who’s counting, had a sore throat and just didn’t feel well, and went walking with Valerie and Griffey on the desert road by the Paisley airport, to my consternation. Valerie is 72, and is hale and hearty most of the time, but has this little flaw: an autoimmune disorder that kicks her butt, or rather the myelin sheath of her nerves, following any immune battle. I wasn’t around to forbid it, so all I can do is point out that Valerie is at higher risk than the average 60+ year old.

I might be, too, given my general lack of aerobic fitness and, um, insulin dependent diabetes. Also, sleep apnea and hypertension.

The person I worry most about is Toni’s husband, Al, who has been smoking cigarettes for 50+ years and uses oxygen now. He had just resurrected community theater in Paisley and we were rehearsing when the ‘social distancing’ directive from Governor Brown came down. I am to play Cora, a busy body and gossip in a small New England town, foil to the proper but also gossiping member of the welcome committee, Reba. And we both apparently dislike Willa Mae, played by Valerie.

The play will happen at some point. But I refuse to memorize my lines until I know when we start up rehearsals again.

Covid 19 would take out Al in a New York minute.

Schools are closed, restaurants are ‘take out only’. No one is traveling, with the exception of my sister’s youngest child, 19 year old Makoto, who flew east from Japan, to Los Angeles, to Philadelphia, cutting short his adventure as a student abroad. He became fluent in Japanese, and posted daily on Instagram. Now he’s in quarantine at his father’s home, just to be safe.

I have had moments in the past two weeks where I had trouble feeling at all safe or grounded. Join the club, Miss Lincoln. I sat in a meeting in a large circle of mostly women who all have an interest in helping ‘senior citizens’: the Aging Services Collaborative. And for me, there was a large elephant in the room that had my attention the entire time called ‘Coronavirus.’ It was Thursday, March 12. We were meeting in the Lakeview Senior Center, and the director got rather defensive when someone asked if she had shut down the lunch program. She said there’s be a serious backlash if she shut it ‘too soon.’ No such thing as too soon in the pandemic: by the next day, the senior lunch program was shuttered.

I was cranky and agitated in that meeting, and the younger women, new to the Collaborative, probably though I was a menopausal bitch. I wonder if they look back now, a week later, and think me prescient. Maybe a prescient menopausal bitch. At one point I said something to the effect of, we can choose to be South Korea or Italy. Let’s be like South Korea.

I also still get really wound up when the conservative Trumpian assholes in this county pipe up on Facebook about how the whole thing is a fraud, a hoax, a tactic to get to “Marshall Law.” Omigod. Like this guy:

Snowflake waving wildly here. If I could address this man directly, I would say the following:

Except we are not paying for it equally. Poor people always have a harder time.

Someone pointed out that, when this is all over, it will not be the CEOs and billionaires who saved us, but the nurses and janitors and grocery store clerks. Also, the truckers, the doctors and family nurse practitioners and physicians’ assistants.

I can’t retort to the delusion MAGA Lake county resident because we who work for Lake Health District are frequently scolded about posting anything in social media about Covid 19 because we ‘represent the hospital.’ Hmf, I’ve been muzzled. I try to read less of ‘Lakeview Announcements’ and more NYTimes. Still, I overhear bullshit at work. It’s not good for my blood pressure.

I am trying to figure out how to be useful at work, and I’m signed up to be a ‘greeter’ at the front entrance, and staff the ‘hotline’ which means I call folks who have symptoms to see how they’re doing, and wait for calls. The clinics are closed, the acute care is cleared out for the most part, the Operating Room where Hope works is ‘emergencies only.’ People drive up to a tent in front of the hospital and get their temperature taken. They’re asked, by a medical assistant who has a high school education and some extra training, whether they’ve been traveling, have a sore throat or any other symptoms. If they answer no to all and have no fever, they may be allowed to proceed to the emergency room, clinic, or to an appointment with the staff, like the head of corrections who came by on my greeter shift. He’s an enormous man, married to a pretty woman who holds at least 3 jobs in Lakeview including a part time Area Agency on Aging gig that’s directed by the Klamath group. Many non profit or governmental entities are based in Klamath and have a partial oversight in Lake County, the red-headed step child of Klamath County. This woman, and a south Asian man nicknamed “avatar’ by the BLM staff because they couldn’t remember “Arvinder”, and I were to start working on developing a “Village” volunteer effort in Lakeview. Then, the virus.

There are some volunteer activities spontaneously springing up in Lakeview; one facebook group is called Helping Hands of Lakeview. There are helpful things going on in Paisley through informal networks. I have one primary volunteer job: to pick up books at the Lakeview Library that sit in canvas bags labeled Paisley. And drop them off to Jan, who I think is the informal town mayor. She knows everyone, and everything, and reared her kids here.

I saw this on twitter:

Most of the volunteer stuff seems to happen via Facebook, a group called Lakeview Announcements. That’s where a lot of political bickering also happens. Missing dogs. Reports of ‘tweakers’ thieving around. Well of course they’re stealing, when no one will hire them, when the US of A punishes what is actually an illness, not a crime. An illness born of childhood trauma. But I digress.

No more crochet/ knitting/ rug hooking at the cavernous Bowling Alley’s party room. No more church, either.

We watched the marvelous Presiding Bishop Curry preach on our computers last Sunday, and listened to gorgeous church music and sonorous prayers, online from the Washington National Cathedral, one of my favorite Episcopal places. We’ll see what’s streaming again tomorrow, Sunday morning.

The knitting group is contemplating making face masks. So is Valerie. I’ve been looking at ‘the literature’ and there is one and only one study, in 2013, looking at the efficacy of homemade masks versus ‘respirators’ or ‘surgical masks.’ Of course, they are not as good but they are better than nothing. And corvid 19 seems to go straight for the throat. I’m thinking, those Safeway employees have been working really hard, and they are more at risk at the moment than health care workers at Lake Health District.

It’s a very strange time, full of opportunity for goodness and for greed. I’m glad my kids are safe, we are healthy so far, and I still receive a paycheck. We’ll see how this evolves.

"Nothing has prepared us for this moment. All we have is each other. Your safety is my safety. Protecting myself means protecting you, too. We are one race. Human race." - Jose Antonio Vargas

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fightingorcavingintodepression · 6 years ago

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1/16/17 5:17 pm

I had my first panic attack I've had in a long time. I've gotten so bad at work my manager called me at 10AM and left a voicemail. I called him back and said I had a Doctors appointment and forgot to send out an email to the team. I hate lying, but i can’t realistically say I'm suicidal and won't even get out of bed every morning.

I ran to the bathroom and started dry-heaving for a good 2-3 minutes. Then I laid down on my bed and felt like crying, and then Stayed there for nearly another hour.

Kill me.

1/20/17

I'm eating lunch by myself at 3:06 on Friday. I've only hit myself a few times today. I ordered and shipped a present to Shara and it should get there tomorI'mrow, but today is her birthday. I deleted my Facebook and haven't been posting on tumblr, so I'm avoiding everything. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I'm going to stop typing because I'm tearing up in the restaurant. I'm pushing all of my friends away. I saw Selina last weekend and it was so awkward. I can't even hang out with my best friend without it being awkward. I want to kill myself.

Please let me die in an accident.

10:56 pm I want to keep hitting myself until I don't wake up.

1/25/17 Wednesday 11:39pm

I'm at McDonald's getting a milkshake and food. I've "worked" from home the past three days because I don't wake up till 9 or 10. That's a lie, I'll wake up and hit snooze, but won't force myself into up. On Monday I stayed online till 11:30 and then said o had a doctors appointment and was gong to wfh the rest of the day, but the last two days I haven't even sent anything out. I deserve to get fired. My depression is destroying me.

1/26/17 Thursday 2:30pm

I woke up late at 8:50ish and got online. Did the scheduled work for Austin and once that was finished, drove into the office and got in at about 10:30 (I think). I ate lunch at my desk and I've gone back and forth to the bathroom and just sat. Only work I've done today is finally send an email I've needed to for weeks. Mom asked me to call her at lunch and I finally said I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. I told her I'd decide on a weekend and give her a call tonight, but I'm not sure I can. It's now 2:48. I've been in the bathroom almost 20 minutes.

2/16 4:29pm

I woke up at 3:30 am and stayed awake, but then fell asleep and didn't get online from home until about 9:40. Came into the office about 12:40. I've done maybe an hours worth of work. I really hate myself. When driving into work nearly had an accident from someone driving recklessly and me not just letting them pass me. They cut to my right into a lane for cars getting on and drove on the side of the road to pass me since I didn't slow down. The driver even had people (possibly kids) in the back of their car. I hate myself, but that person as well if they can justify that type of driving that also may harm their own kids, let alone other people. I started yelling again in my car...it's getting worse.

I hit myself again this morning in the shower.

2/17 12:18am

I can see myself committing suicide within the next year. Depending if I don't get better, maybe not till after my parents pass.

2/20 12:33pm

I didn't get up again today (Monday) until 9:50 and log online. Then finally came in to the office about 10 minutes ago. Off to a bad start of the week. I should be fired. I did "clean" a good portion of my apartment yesterday because at&t suppose to be coming this week. It's still a terrible mess, but you can finally see the floor now. Next is the kitchen.

1:04pm - eating lunch by myself at wich which. Postponing going back to the office. Not sure if taking these notes is beneficial, or even a smart idea (hint, it's not)

2/21 12:31pm

Late again. Thinking of working from home tomorrow. Getting worse. Really worse. Spent too much money yesterday on gifts I'll probably never give.

2/24 11:52am

It's my birthday. Today hasn't been a bad day.

2/28 12:15 pm

In training. Feeling useless. My back is also killing me. Have my APA later today. Guess I'll find out how badly I'm doing or if we'll just pretend I'm doing fine when it's obvious I'm not. Not likely I'll get fired since I'm an ITA, but don't know. Just haven't been given a warning or anything

3/13 12:48pm

I'd been doing okay for a little while. Starting to get worse again. Started saying things again. Didn't wake up for work till 9ish. Didn't get in till 11ish. Need to stop. Want to hurt myself. Want to kill myself. Fighting it. Still doing bad. In the bathroom wanting to hit myself. Shara texted about doing stuff this weekend, and I almost want to back out. I'm suppose to do Aerials with gabby tonight, but want to use my weight as an excuse and say I'm over their limit (which may actually be true, but their website doesn't say and no one picked up when I called), or that I don't have the right clothes, or I'm having a panic attack (probably closest to being honest). And one of the other things that's bugging me in the back of my head today I'm hating myself most of all for it even bothering me.

3/20 4:39am

Mild depression acting up. Want to "call/email" out of work. Smacking myself a bit the past day

3/22 6:14pm

Didn't go into work today and haven't done any work so far. Needing to get a report and presentation done before tomorrow. Depression has been really bad this week. Sleep is getting off. Whispering harmful things to myself and hitting myself more often.

3/24 10:44am

I want to hurt myself. I'm doing really badly this week. No point even coming into work. Can tell I'm being replaced in all areas. Went to lunch with people. Faked it. Now I'm back at the office (2:04pm) and hiding in the bathroom. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I want to pass out.

I want to die.

3/25 5:02pm

Doing bad today too. Didn't get up till noon. Went to the park to walk, but had negative thoughts the entire time and it didn't help. Convinced myself to go out to dinner at Las Margaritas that I normally get take out from. I plan to make myself sit in the living room when I get home to get out of my bedroom/bed. It feels pathetic, but right now the smallest things feel like an achievement.

3/27 1:41am

I want to kill myself. I just want it to end. I don't want to hurt my family though. I wish I could make them forget i existed so I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

3:06am still lying awake on the couch. The longer I stay awake, the longer I postpone till tomorrow comes.....or that's how it feels. Ready to kill myself.

3/30 8pm

I now weigh 245 pounds. I write this as I sit in line at chick fil-a getting a meal for two people and a milkshake

3/31 6:38

Deleted all of my social media. Specifically tumblr, which I can't reactive. Gone forever.

4/6 1:12pm

Was doing better for a bit because work was busy enough to distract me. Getting too busy now. Think I overheard two people saying they don't want to work with me, and storage team disregards my existence. It's a new feeling when I feel like I'm doing some good work, but know I'm also doing terrible in other areas and people no longer want to work with me. Hitting hard and really want to hurt myself again. I need to make some life choices before I end up committing suicide.

4/7 1:36pm

It might be good to just quit before June. If I sold everything I had, I could pay off all my debt. I'd be left with nothing, but wouldn't leave anything for people to worry about.

4/17 10:21am

So overwhelmed.

4/19 9:08am

Sitting on toilet at home. So overwhelmed at work. Can't get anything done and nothing is going right.

6/1 11:02am Thursday

Hadn't been in the office in almost a week. Had Friday off and Monday for Memorial Day, but lied and said Tom had knee surgery on Tuesday and then wfh on Wednesday. Getting bad again. Realized I hadn't been writing in here for a month and a half. Not sure if that's a good win or not, since I mostly only remember to when I'm getting bad again.

6/25 2:15am

Depression getting bad again. Suicide would be nice. Just want it all to end. If I could sleep for a year, I'd take it.

6/27 12:40pm

Didn't go into work until almost 11 yesterday. Working from home today. Can't even answer a phone call. Have a meeting at 2 and then will probably shower as unavailable the rest of the day.

6/28 3:06pm

Woke up at 5 and still didn't go into work today. Stayed showing as away all day and said I had issues with Skype and car issues

7/14 12:50pm

JB texted me asking if I was off. I should just kill myself. Lying through my teeth. His pa

7/18 3:28am Tuesday

I want to die in an accident so no one I care about thinks it was a suicide.

7/20 1:59pm

Didn't go into work until 12 today. While I was in the shower, my phone range and I just started cursing thinking it was my manager. Already had my lie made up going to say my car stalled this morning coming into work. Didn't have my phone (which is why I didn't pick up if it was them), but luckily a cop pulled over and called a tow truck....

Haven't had to use my lie yet, but going to use parts of it tonight to get out of going to a coworkers house for game night.

I really hate myself.

I need to call in my medicine to see if they'll prescribe it again, even if it doesn't seem like it's helping.

7/31 9:04pm

In line at Taco Bell. Didn't go into work today or Friday. Meant to send an email saying I was taking my mom to doctors and would be back Tuesday, but overslept and didn't bother. Don't want to go in tomorrow either. I haven't been replying to Shara and I feel terrible, but I'm not in a good place either. Hadn't been replying to family until Mom called worried and acted like I just forgot to hit send on some texts. It's easier to act like nothing is wrong with people who don't know I'm not good mentally. I saw a post on Tumblr that describe what I'm feeling. I'm pushing people away so it's easier when I want to kill myself.

9/5 11:42am

Moved to new apartment. Enjoying it so far. Had a 5 day weekend from labor/took Thursday and Friday off to move. 1st day back at work and already feeling overwhelmed and counting down till 4:30. Kill myself creeping inside my head again.

9/21 10:02am

Want to die. Want to die. I just really want to die. Kill myself. Kill myself. I'm so tempted to kill myself. I'd make it look like an accident so not to hurt my family. But I need to find homes for Yen and Shani, or plan accordingly. Could drop them at a shelter, but include some cash to help care for them (1k?). Then someone who is a good person, but just had money trouble would take them. I'm not sure I'll live 15+ years to outlive them. I take that back; I know I won't. I don't even know sometimes if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm not actually making any attempts or plans to do it, but every time I walk in to work or leave, I hope a car hits me. Kill me kill me I just want to die.

10/18 9:52am

Overslept and didn't go into work today. "Working" from home online. Depression episode kicking in again. I just want to die.

10/31 Tuesday 12:02pm

Didn't get into work until 11 today. Called into the 8:30 conference and answered some emails to appear like I was working, but hardly got out of bed. ~Read back through some of these notes just now and now I've got in the back of my head the idea of starting to hit myself again. I know this is a downward slope, but really want to go to the bathroom stall and do it anyways just so I don't feel numb. It's lunchtime, so no one should be there to hear it. ~~I ended up going to get rubber bands and paper clips instead. Still hit myself s few times, but people kept coming into the restroom while I was in the stall.~

11/1 2:16 pm

In drivethru for chick-fil-a. Working from home rest of week probably. My anger is terrible. Called someone a cunt in the drivethru for honking and it wasn't even at me. My window was down, so think the person in front of me may have heard. I'm a terrible person and hate myself.

11/16 9:14am Thursday

Just got into work. Feel exhausted and drained as always. Just noticed it’s coming up on a year in January when I started making these notes. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing better or not. I’d say I’m not. Definitely not.

12/5/17 2:36pm

It’s a Tuesday, and I’d not been in the office for two weeks (11/21) between workin from home on Wednesday because thanksgiving was the next day, off Thursday and Friday, and then all last week I just never came in. Yesterday I “worked” from home, and today I didn’t get in till about 12. And the only thing I wanted to think about while walking into work because I forgot my headphones and couldn’t drown out the thoughts with music was how I wanted to kill myself. I have a meeting from 3-4 with new agile team (honestly probably only real reason I forced myself into the office). I wonder how fake I can present myself today. Hopefully it won’t be terribly interactive and mostly just informational.

1/14/18 11:27pm

I didn’t go into work at all last week. Was online only Monday for the entire day, and then Wednesday for the day on do-not-disturb. Skipped Tuesday and Wednesday completely though. Need to force myself to go into the office tomorrow. I hate myself. So much to catch up on. I cleaned a bit of the apartment, but still need to do more. My oncall starts next week, and I pray it’s quiet.

1/22/18 3:10am

Won’t go to bed because then the morning comes faster. I’m oncall this week and I just pray nothing happens at all. Even one ticket. Please don’t. I think I have an appointment this Friday about my antidepressants, but honestly I’m not sure. Please let me be left alone this week and work from home. I’ll even make sure I get work done.

1/23/18 12:30am

I’m pathetic at work.

2/4/18 6:43pm Sunday

Out grocery shopping. Tried to do small talk. Wanted to help bag like I do sometimes, but not doing well, so just awkwardly typing this on my phone. I HAVE to get work done when I get home, but haven’t been doing well. I’ll be lucky if I get anything done or I do it in the middle of the night (especially with my sleep schedule).

2/5/18 11:52am

Didn’t get anything done last night, but was able to wake up early and get it submitted by 8 (only one other person has anything uploaded so far). What pisses me off is another teammate setup a meeting at 2 with no heads up. That little amount of time and a same day meeting? Fuck that shit. I’ll attend, but doubt John will and don’t blame him. I said I was going to the doctor earlier, so purposely missed the one actual meeting I had today. Couldn’t get out of bed. Hate myself. Submitted a service request for the lights to be fixed in my apartment, so that’s the one useful thing I’ve done. I was wrong, John did accept. I hate myself.

5/7/18 Monday 8:59am

On the train in to work. Only going in for the ITA orientation and then probably leaving. Probably will stay an hour to get hibachi for lunch and then leave. I’m oncall this week. Please please please don’t have any tickets or sde’s after hours. Please god. Just this once. I’ve been doing so well with my depression, but the last week and a half it’s been dipping again and I’m afraid. On the chart at my therapy office, id finally for the first time dipped below the number for being depressed! I know I’ll always have depression and depression slumps, but it’s scary going back into my first one after doing well for almost two months. I don’t want to go back into that. I really don’t. Please just don’t have my oncall this week go badly. Dear god, just please don’t. I don’t want to breakdown in tears from anxiety this week. Make my next oncall worse, but just let me not have to worry about anything this week. Please.

5/7/18 Monday 11:21am

Doing better mentally once I got in the office and moving. It’s sad how easily that change can happen. You’d think I’d be happy, but just makes me realize how easily I can drop again. Part of me knows I could stay at the office and continue working, but the other half doesn’t care. I’m eating hibachi and then taking the train home.

5/10/18 1:02pm

Finishing up lunch at hisaki and then going into office. Have to recount all of the WebLogic VM counts manually.....

All the work before I did is basically useless.

Time to go through 400+ (maybe less since a good number are in the shared environment) and find out their host count. I shouldn’t really be complaining. Just didn’t want to have to do/worry about anything till after my vacation.

Now it’s 1:32 and I’m sitting in the toilet just waiting for the day to end. Shoot myself shoot my self I just want to shoot my self.

5/23 5:12pm

Felt sick the past few days. Worked from home. Throat is killing me, but in line at McDonald’s and going to get

5/25 Friday 11:27am

Hardly worked at all this week. Ignored a voicemail to call back my PO. Work is frustrating me.

I just hit myself for the first time in a long time again. Chest, face, head. It felt good

5:57pm clenching my fists in drive through. Want to hurt myself

5/28 Monday 2:04pm Memorial Day off work

At the bbq place getting Togo food. Been in bed all day/all weekend really. Felt sick, but also depressed. Stomach was so upset, didn’t take antidepressants yesterday. Going to take them for today when I get back. Still, I’ve not been doing well at all. Hitting myself more. Mainly the chest. May even do it on the way home. Just feeling numb again. Started reblogging suicidal/depression posts on tumblr again. It’s pathetic. Like a cry for help to the two I know who are on tumblr, but one never acknowledges them, and the other rarely gets on anymore. I have therapy this Friday (o think?) and have no improvement to speak of to the doctor. Overslept one from depression, but rescheduled the last one due to work issues. Slit my throat. Want to die. Let it end. Started singing those little tunes to myself the last week or two. Want to hurt myself. Really just want to drop dead from an accident. Get someone to take care of my cats, and then my family won’t think it’s a suicide.

6/12 10:59am Tuesday

Sitting at train station going into work. Just got back from surgery follow up and everything is fine. Spent maybe 10 minutes there in total. Now I’m going into work to eat my unhealthy lunch hibachi chicken and soda as always. I’m sad all the team. I have an in person meeting from 2-2:50, but will probably leave after that. Unless I ask Carter if he needed help with patching and he says yes, which is why I’m considering if I even should?? Wow, that’s pathetic of me. I only have to make it till EOD Thursday. Then I’ll watch Lily for the weekend, have my therapy session on Friday, and (maybe?) visit Mom and Tom on Sunday.

6/24 Monday 10:46am

I may barely make it into the office for an 11am meeting. This isn’t going to be a good week.

7/3 Tuesday 6:11pm

I missed my medicine twice in the last week (I think? Or only once). But just don’t care to take it anymore since I’ve noticed

7/9 Monday 12:15am

This isn’t gonna be a good week. I can already tell.

7/22 Sunday 1am

Doing patching. Teammates were being fucking useless, so I got offline and said I was having internet issues. It’s been a fucking hour and they’ve not done shit. The job is still hung exactly where it was when I left off. They’ve not tried to do anything at all. There are two more groups that have to run for Linux, and we’re already 2/3 hours of patching there is from 11-2am. Cancel the ticking job you dipshits. I even sent an email basically telling you to!!! I did all the ducking work for you!!! Instead you just sit there for an hour doing nothing!!! Cancel the fucking job!! If it gets to 1:30am and still nothing, I’m sending a follow up email and ccing myself. I’m not even suppose to be in charge here!! They are!!! At least Brandon should be. Daniel is ridiculously new, but clearly knows more, so make the ticking call too, for fuck sake.

- they finally did when I was typing this all out. And of course it was the new kid, not the guy who is a full time employee who should be making the call. Then again, I’m a waste of space too. Just got fed up with them and quit with a bullshit excuse. I’m trash. Now that I’ve calmed down, I hate myself again.

Thursday 7/26 2:54pm

First time I’ve been in the office I think nearing 3 weeks? I’ve not been taking my antidepressants as consistently. So tired all the time. Hardly get out of bed. Didn’t go to therapy last week. I need to call tomorrow to cancel next weeks too unless it’s early in the morning. And also schedule more since I don’t have any after that. And also reschedule one on a different day for my medicine.

Just got off my 3pm call. PO wasn’t there, so I basically lead. Talked for like 5 fucking minutes before my team lead said they’ve been doing it manually the last 4 days. So basically I’m a fucking idiot and out of the loop. I’m definitely not Sr IT analyst ready. I’m just gonna leave work. I hate myself. Put myself on do not disturb and closed my laptop. Ran and caught the train. I’m so ducking fat and out of shape. I should just go skydiving by myself and not pull the parachute. Quick and easy. Could I do it in a body bag so it’s less of a mess for the people who have to clean it up? Sky dive, pull the bag out midair. Put it on and zip it up. Splat. Done. Kaput. 😊

How many weeks vacation do I have? Just use it all at once and disappear. Then when it’s up I just never come back. I wanna jump in front of a car or train, but not okay with the impact it’d have on the person driving. If I jump off mountain, the only person it might hurt is the people who found me? Plus annoy the people who have to clean me up.

Could have a suicide note and send it in so the police can find me easily? Idk. Can’t do anything till my cats are okay.

8/14/18 Tuesday 10:19am

On the train to work. Only going in to have an in person meeting. Didn’t wake up till 9:20 and only jumped up because of the daily Standup call at 9:30. Have patching this week and next. Alex is out the rest of the week, so I’m in charge of Windows....never done it by myself, yet alone enough with someone else to be confident. Need to send out the email as soon as we get Tom’s email tomorrow. Get the jobs running and finish documentation. I think Wednesday only has noreboot servers and is a small window? Hopefully okay.

I’ve not been taking my medication. Haven’t been to the doctors in really long (therapy/antidepressant doctor). I have roughly 35 days to get in better shape/health/mental state before going to Samantha’s to see Welcome to Nightvale. Will it happen? No idea.

Still on the train. 10:27. I feel so num. no emotion at all.

5:49pm - on the train home from work. Got a lot done today, so feel somewhat decent. If I can bury my head in work and actually get stuff done, I won’t notice my depression sometimes.

9/5 Wednesday 10:51 am

Have a big kickoff meeting I’m leading. Has a shit ton of people in it. Don’t feel confident. Stomach is nauseated. Want to hurt myself too. Get it over with. Cut my throat. Let me die. Die die die die.

9/20 Thursday 11:05am

Have barely worked the last week since the hurricane hit and we’re in storm mode. Had my first “shift” start at 6 this morning, and I was the only one in the room. Was a good thing I came in to the office. Actually got some stuff done. Just really tired since I couldn’t get to sleep till 2:30 or 3, and got up at 4:22. Going home right at 2. Today hasn’t been bad, but I’m exhausted and sad at myself for being so fat and out of shape.

Animal crossing

Love Nicky

Clash royal

Good fantasy

9/26 11:53am

On train into work. Have two in-person meetings this afternoon. I regret volunteering to do the ITA stuff. Just added stress with no good outcome. My stomach hurts too. Don’t know if something actually wrong, or just anxiety of everything with work, deciding to go to the BigFix event tomorrow during work hours, and text Samantha lying I can’t come to the show. Too many lies happening at once due to my anxiety. I guess I do have anxiety. My depression making my life difficult makes me have anxiety. God my stomach hurts. Kill me kill me I want to die. Slit my throat just want to die. Just disappear I just want to disappear. First steps I need to take today to help fix my anxiety

1. Call and reschedule therapy as soon as I get off train DONE

2. Talk to Cathy and then John about change freeze issue with Websphere maintenance. Then get communications out. SENT AN EMAIL

3. Prep documentation for ITA meeting at 3. WORKING ON

4. Plan what time to leave tomorrow

5. Text Samantha for details (address, what time I should get there, etc)

6. Plan to drive home after show

Die die die die die die di die die die die die kill me

10/3 Wednesday 2:51pm

I’ve not been into work since last Wednesday, and hardly online all this week. Finally got a text from manager this morning asking what’s up. Ready to kill my self.

10/4 Thursday 1:24pm

On the train into work for a 2pm meeting I’m hosting. I may barely make it in. Barely. Or I’ll be late. Shocker. I’m useless. I look and feel disgusting. Literally just need to know if Cathy will fight if we have to push the qa and prod environment during a change freeze. If not, what will happen if we have pushed test and dev, but can’t push prod/qa for months?? I highly doubt that’s okay.

11/1/2018 Thursday 1:12pm

Waiting for the train. Overslept for therapy and then an important meeting I said I’d be late for, but not miss the entire fucking thing. I’ve pretty much given up on therapy for now. Doesn’t make a difference, and won’t get another appointment for 2-3 months, if they’d even give me one with how many no-shows I’ve done. My stomach acid is killing me.

Have meeting. Schedule jobs for 5. Go eat hibachi. Take train home. Meeting is at 2. Doubt chuck will be there. Cathy may call in or not. Literally just depends if John/srini at there. If not, will be over in 10 minutes. If they are, just keep chugging along with Websphere (need to plan how to do QA and PROD along side OS patching.

Wednesday - do it right after patching for Linux/aix. Try and include windows in the patching, or same scenario.

Do we think it’s worth doing adc/cdc groups still? Or just all at once?

Thursday - Linux/aix I do manually (hit B & C right at 5, and then A when it finishes)

11/29 Thursday 9:25am

Going into the office. I’m just really sad. I’m up to 283lbs without any clothes on. I’m working nights now with patching at work. I’m rude to the point that I don’t even move my bag on the train. It’s just all really sad. It’s not bad enough I’m hurting myself or suicidal thoughts, but I’ve just been emotionally numb. I quit taking my medicine for about a week or two, but then noticed an increase in anger, so started taking them again.

12/18 Tuesday 3:39pm

Sitting at a jimmy johns nears my apartment eating. On vacation from work, and watching Lily till Thursday, but I’ve had to be online some because patching still isn’t being covered by the EDC, even though Matt apparently was handling it but clearly didn’t? I’ll be up anyways, so I’m not mad mad, but more just annoyed, because I’m not doing this come January. Pretty depressed though. Sleeping all the time. I weigh over 285lbs now. Maybe I’ll die from a heart attack in 2019? I’ve not been taking my medicine lately, but I’ll run out soon anyways unless I schedule an appointment with my doctor. Definitely see my anger spiking some when I’m not on it while driving or the sorts. Last Friday I went into work and ran into my manager(s) which was good. Talked some, and mentioned about the possibility of moving to Durham. Would be okay, but did mention Charlotte is better career wise, which is true (but I’m okay with that?). I’m just sad all the time still. Apartment is a mess almost always, which isn’t good for the cats. I hardly ever clean their litter boxes, and it’s disgusting for them. Which reminds me I have to take them to the vet. I should call when I get back to schedule something and also clean their litter boxes before anything else.

2/18 10:02am

On my way into work to train one guy on patching, even though I’ll probably be the one having to do it the rest of the week. Was in an accident yesterday. Car hit me from behind. Surprisingly still shaken from it. I’m pathetic. Have to call insurance today since they said they were closed yesterday. Hopefully it’s just visual damage. The bumper popped off a bit, but I don’t know if it can just be popped back into place. I know nothing about cars. Other persons was much worse, but no one was hurt at least. I wish I was hurt. Just kill me. Be done with it all.

Work is never ending stress, this fucking house is too. AND I JUST REMEMBERED IM ON-CALL ALL THIS WEEK FFS. Please let it be quiet. I’m begging you. With all the SDE’s and ongoing stuff, don’t let there be anything for me. Slit my throat.

2/20 Wednesday 2:04pm

Sitting at a car body repair shop getting an estimate by Statefarm. Hopefully should be fine. Work is stressing me out. House is too. I’m responsible for getting the WebLogic patching done, but it’s all up to Srini looking at the problem servers. It’s not fair to him as I’m sure he’s swamped, but he’s the only one who can fix it. Also that one guy who sent that needs to go fuck himself. Passive aggressive fuck. Then with the house. They finally responded saying they want their roofer to take a look, which is fine. Just don’t come back and argue you’re not doing anything. I’m so done with that shit. Just offer to pay half and be done with it. Then my mental health is just terrible. Want to hurt myself. When I get home may take a butter knife or something and hurt myself. Cut my throat. Not even going into the office tomorrow even though I said I would. Fuck Friday. Please be a quiet oncall week. I’m beginning you, just like I do ever time I’m oncall. It’s pathetic. Wish I had cancer instead of Tom. Let me die instead of him. Mom needs him. Just let me die.

It’s Wednesday. Need to make it through the weekend. “Work day” just tomorrow. Have other work to do, but I’m not as worried about the after hour work for IE9 IE11 and office 2010 SP2. Slit my throat slit my throat

1 note · View note

sozotohakai · 6 years ago

Text

I’ve been pretty elusive lately, or so I feel, I’ve shown signs of being around but I figured I’d still post some words, since I don’t think I’ve often been this elusive here.

Past two weeks have been really busy for me, which is something I did mention. What made it harder is also that all of summer has been very hard on us, we’ve had to be extra careful on expenses, which tend to give a blow to mom’s mood, and mine too after a bit, and in turn I burned out on existing, you might say. I feel like it’s something we all know at some point, this sensation of just, not wanting to exist for others, to be able to just be by yourself. I just wanted one week or more where I have nothing to think or worry about, and. That didn’t happen. So I focused any free time I had to anything that feels like I’m in my safe little bubble, things like reading and playing, writing when I felt like it.

RPing doesn’t quite count as writing-to-be-on-my-own because while I can just come and write replies (which I did do at some point), it’s not the same as writing for fanfics. I’ve also put most of my writing motivation in translating my novels, when I’ve been having free time.

At least now, most of all the things that made me busy, since September in fact (it just piled all over again past two weeks), it’s mostly resolved. Anything we could guess to come our way already did. We just have one last thing to do, but at least it’s one thing. It also meant I did not have to worry about being busy this week.

The fun part is, since I’ve been so busy, it’s only yesterday I started working on Halloween Challenge on Wattpad. I wanted to do these, and it occured to me I could try to have them out by Halloween, though that wasn’t really reachable and instead I’ll just start posting tomorrow. But in other words, I have been busy, just not in the same way. And I’m technically still expecting at least tomorrow to be busy (but in a good way), and thursday to be a low mood day, and then it’s already friday so just one day before it’s the weekend. And the week after, well, I’m pretty sure next week we will have to handle paperwork (but at least, I did most of these, we just needed two more).

So for what I can see, I can maybe see myself being able to relax well in one week or so. That being said, like I’ve been doing lately, I’ll still pop in to reply to one thing or two, and/or do memes. And well, obviously, that all explains why I havent been as chatty as I’ve been before. Or sometimes very chatty and sometimes not. I burned quite a bit my social energy, and it tends to come now is small burst at random moments.

I can’t really say if you’ll see me be as active and/or as chatty as I’ve been before, and quite honestly, I’m not sure it would work out if I tried to be. That being said, I can definitely see myself grow back to having some more activity, and a bit less sporadic social-ness.

I don’t do good with actively saying “hello i’m around i’m doing good” as it forces me to ‘exist’ more actively, so I’m not going to post ooc-update-how-im-doing things often. Instead, I can reblog something, reply, post something (crackish or fun), like stuff, reply/send message if occasion show up. I do check my dash everyday too, just so you know.

I’d say you can also keep an eye on my personal, fanfic and writer blog, as depending what I’m focusing on, you will see me pop in there. Especially starting tomorrow and for the next few days, on my writer blog, since I’ll be focusing on the halloween challenge!

Thanks for the patience I’m given, and remember, I am still thinking about you all and I always see everyone in my activity and dash, if I cant be a vocal one, I’m a quiet supporter ♥♥♥

#outofhost #(nothing bad btw)#(just)#(been busy/stressed)

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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1103

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Yesterday

What day of the week was it yesterday? It wassss Thursday.

What “number day” was it? February 4th.

What time did you wake up yesterday? I automatically wake up at about 6:30 AM every weekday since I have to start work by 8 sharp. I use the free hour and a half to either get some more sleep, or go ahead and try to properly wake up.

What was the weather like? It’s been chilly these days, so I’m trying to savor it as much as I can before it leaves for good in a few weeks.

What did you eat for breakfast? I had coffee so I can psyche myself up for my one-on-one talk with the CEO of the company I work at - she apparently does that with all the new hires to get to know them which I appreciate, but it also made me nervous as fuck. Other than chugging that coffee down, my mom also made me corned beef with rice.

What did you wear? I wore an olive green top I typically wear outside so that I could look nice for the aforementioned video call.

What did you eat for lunch? I’m not usually able to take a lot of bites when I’m working, so the corned beef meal actually stayed wiith me the whole day.

What did you eat for dinner? We had sisig, mainly. My dad also got a free sample of kare-kare when he was out today for some reason lol, so I had that with my rice.

Did you have any snacks or treats? I don’t think so, no.

Who did you talk to in person yesterday? Just my immediate family as I didn’t get to go outdoors.

Who did you text or call yesterday? I had two work-related video calls yesterday. One of them was with Leah, the CEO; the other one was with a client along with my teammates Ysa and Bea.

Did you work yesterday? If so, what time was your work shift? Yeah, as I do every weekday. My shift is from 9 AM to 6 PM, but I start working at 8 AM. I so wish I got paid for that extra hour, lmao.

Did you have to go to school? I have not had to go to UP in a long time, no. I don’t even call it my school anymore.

Did you have to run any errands? If so, then where? All my errands were work-related, so.

Name something you watched yesterday. Good Mythical Morning posts a new video every weeknight here, so I watched it as soon as it came out. I watched some wrestling stuff as well.

Name something you read yesterday. I don’t think I was able to read anything.

Name a song that you remember listening to yesterday. Hm, I do remember feeling a little down very briefly last night and I got in the mood to listen to 26, by Paramore (because of course).

Did you do anything different/atypical yesterday? Did something out of the ordinary happen? Well the talk with Leah happened, so there’s that. I was really nervous for it, but I’m glad it went well. She seems to have liked me so I hope I stay on her good side.

Did you hang out with anyone yesterday? If so, then who - and what did you do? Just with my family. We did the usual stuff, like having dinner together < Same. I usually hang out in the living room with my family after dinner as well, but in the last few days I’ve taken to spending some time alone on the rooftop because the weather has been nice again. I might keep it up until March, or whenever the weather gets sucky and all humid all over again.

What is something fun that you did yesterday? I ordered from a high school batchmate’s small business. I’ve loved her pastries for years, and when she reopened her shop for 2021 the other day, I saw that she had added croissants to her menu. They looked fucking good, so I didn’t hesitate to order from her and now I can’t wait to get them next week, hahah.

What time did you go to bed? For some reason I was really tired yesterday; I think I was asleep by 9 or 9:30.

Today

What day of the week is it today? Friday THE BEST DAY

What “number day” is it? February 5th.

What time did you wake up? I woke up earlier today because I slept early last night – around 6 AM. I was actually woken up by an earthquake, so that’s my new thing for today lol.

What is the weather like? It’s only 8:30 in the morning so I can’t say for sure, but right now at least I can say it hasn’t been warm or uncomfortable.

What did you eat for breakfast? I haven’t had it yet. But I did smell my dad cooking bacon before he left for work today and that smelled nice. I might pick up a strip or two to munch on.

What did you wear today? I’m still wearing the same stuff. I take showers in the evenings on Fridays so that I feel great in welcoming the weekend, haha.

What did you eat for lunch? I will most likely skip it.

What did you eat for dinner? No clue but I’m looking forward to what my dad has planned.

Did you have any snacks or treats? Nope, but we still have some leftover tteokbokki in the fridge. I might heat it up later in the day if I get in the mood for it.

Who did you talk to in person? So far only my parents, but I know I’ll be talking to Nina as well once she gets up for the day.

Who did you text or call? No one yet. We’ll see if I have to text anyone for work today, but so far there’s been no need to.

Did you work today? If so, what time was your work shift? I will be. My shift will officially start in half an hour, but I’ve gotten up early to start other tasks.

Did you have to go to school? No. If I’m not mistaken, I think UP was also recently closed to the public until the 15th because of recent Covid cases, so that sucks. I was looking forward to visit.

Did you have to run any errands? If so, then where? I’m out of 3-in-1 coffee packs so if my parents don’t buy a bundle today, I might have to go to the nearby convenience store to pick one up myself.

Name something you watched today. I have a Good Mythical More video playing at present to accompany me as background noise. I’m not necessarily watching it, though.

Name something you read today. I needed to read several articles for work a few minutes ago.

Name a song that you remember listening to today. I haven’t turned on my Spotify yet but I’m looking forward to Hayley’s single coming out at noon. AAAAHHHHHHHHH

Did you do anything different/atypical today? Did something out of the ordinary happen? I got up very early for work, lol. I usually wait until 8 AM sharp for me to pull myself out of bed, but I was up and at my workspace by 7:20ish. I feel like this set-up is better for me, so I might try waking up earlier again in the next few days.

Did you hang out with anyone today? If so, then who - and what did you do? No. I do want to go to a coffee shop tonight, though.

What is something fun that you did today? Haven’t done much today considering the time... but idk. I might give Grey’s Anatomy a start tonight? Or maybe revisit The Crown?? Maybe go for a long walk around the neighborhood tonight with Kimi? We’ll see. I’m in the mood to be spontaneous this Friday.

What time will you go to bed? I’d like to sleep by midnight or even beyond it because it’s the weekend, and I wouldn’t want to waste my free time.

Tomorrow

What day of the week will it be tomorrow? It will be Saturday.

What “number day” will it be? Feb 6th.

What time do you have to get up? No time - the best kind of morning. I want to get up early though so I can maximize my day.

What is the weather supposed to be like? The high is supposed to be 31ºC, while the low will be 24ºC.

What do you plan on eating for breakfast? It depends on what either of my parents will cook, but I am guessing some type of omelette and either hotdogs or corned beef. And rice, of course.

What do you plan on wearing? I haven’t planned it out yet. Definitely something comfy though, especially if I decide to only stay in.

What will you eat for lunch? Will be skipping it.

What will you eat for dinner? If my mom cooks it will probably be some type of pasta. My dad mixes his dishes up every time, so if he decides to be the one to make dinner I’m not sure what he has planned.

Will you have any snacks or treats? I’d love to be able to. My parents will sometimes whip something up in the afternoons, like pancakes or wicked Oreos. Should I decide to land in a coffee shop tomorrow or on Sunday, I will most likely pick up a savory pastry.

Who will talk to in person tomorrow? My immediate family for sure. < Same. I haven’t made plans to see friends recently.

Who will you text or call tomorrow? Out of all my friends, I’ll probably message Angela. Otherwise I have the day to myself tomorrow.

Did you have to work tomorrow? If so, what time is your work shift? Not during the weekend, thank fuck. There are some clients who are relentless and will continue to message over the weekend, but I ignore them.

Do you have to go to school? Nope. Couldn’t go to my university even if I wanted to.

Do you have to run any errands? If so, then where do you need to go? Not that I know of yet. < Same.

Name something you plan to watch tomorrow. I think it’s time for a new series, haha. Like I mentioned, probably Grey’s.

Name something you plan to read tomorrow. I’ve got nothing lined up. Maybe my usual Wikipedia binge as always.

Name an music artist that you plan on listening to tomorrow. Probably streaming the shit out of descansos.

Will you do anything different/atypical tomorrow? Is something non-routine supposed to happen? I actually haven’t picked up my embroidery kit since January. I wanna get back on it.

Will you hang out with anyone tomorrow? If so, then who - and what will you do? Just me and my dogs.

What is something fun that you hope to do tomorrow? I want to resume my embroidery templates and I already know how fun I’ll find that :)

What time might you go to bed? Again, just any time that’s extremely late because it’s the weekend.

[ohsh1t2wksl8]

#survey #surveys

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angeltriestoblog · 4 years ago

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Unnecessary life update

I have officially made it to the halfway point of this quarter. And I don’t mean to sound morbid but I didn’t expect to at all!

It’s just that I’ve recently learned that chronic sleep deprivation actually does lead to premature death and I’ve slept at three in the morning everyday since I started online schooling. (Though actual scientific evidence has always been available on the Internet, I found it easier to believe that this was a hoax.) But concerning as it may be, the past two weeks have been so demanding of my time and energy, resting didn’t seem like an option.

ii.

Much to the dismay of Freshman Angel, most organizations in Ateneo require an interview as part of the application process. I remember signing up for three departments in my home org back then: I sweated my way through one screening, completely flunked the other, and ghosted the last. I also applied to be part of our hosting pool and made a run for it at the last minute: despite having spent only two weeks on campus, I easily found a secret passageway leading to the nearest exit just so that I wouldn’t have to run into the officer in charge of my audition.

Given the unfortunate display of cowardice, it’s hard to believe that this year, I found myself on the other side. I conducted several ICs (rebranded to individual conversations) in an attempt to welcome freshmen, give them a picture of what awaits them in ACTM, and hopefully serve as one of their first friends, if I built enough rapport with them.

The week after, I had to conduct interviews and screen all hopefuls who wanted to make it into my department. I only spoke with 13 of them through a screen but I had to go through three times more application forms, interview footage, and assessments to determine who would make it to our final line-up. One night, I binge-watched the recordings of all the interviews I conducted in chronological order and I didn’t know if I found my waning energy levels depressing or funny. Toward the last few, I refused to turn on my camera because I had gotten a sudden allergy attack.

iii.

And as if the load I bear as an associate vice president in ACTM wasn’t heavy enough, I joined five other orgs last recruitment week. I wouldn’t go and call the quarantine a blessing because I’m not an asshole but these past few months have made me realize that I want to do and be so many things in life and I missed the opportunity to start on them earlier, since I spent the first few years of college hanging around with no end goal in mind. So in a fit of impulsiveness, I signed up for:

The Development Society of the Ateneo, where I will be working either as an advocacy or consultancy trainee under the research and development department (depends on how my interview this Thursday fares);

Ateneo Education Geared Towards Empowerment, where I will be gathering data from our partner communities to help the organization provide quality education given the online setting;

Ateneo Association of Communication Majors, where I will be under the research and development department yet again of MIRLab, their documentary production house;

Ateneo PEERS, where I will be part of a peer support program intended to help in my self-improvement, and that of others as well;

Project Kabuhayan, where I will be participating in initiatives geared towards empowering micro, small, and medium enterprises

I had general assemblies for most of them: had to ditch two for a midterm, and will be watching the recordings tomorrow. I didn’t even have to talk in any of them; simply watch the officers speak about their projects for the year then head on over to my designated breakout room. But the mere idea of being perceived by hundreds of Zoom call participants was already enough to drain my social battery.

iv.

To top it all off, my major tasks for all three subjects I’m taking this quarter were due last Friday. I had a group podcast for Philosophy class which we had to shoot twice on the busiest day of my week. I wanted nothing more than to get it over with, so when we wrapped up our first attempt, we were ready to let it go through some rushed post-production and submit it without giving it a second look. But I couldn’t stomach the thought of submitting subpar work when the task is supposed to be easy, given enough discipline.

Another group I was a part of had a marketing plan (you’ll never guess which subject it was for) that proposed the rebranding of Adidas Originals to cater to an older target market, or “the active ageing”, as we liked to call it. We only found out a couple of hours before the deadline that our professor was not accepting anything over 10 pages just when we had hit the 40-page mark. All of our well-researched, comprehensive parts had to be cut down significantly, which was the equivalent of flushing many sleepless nights down the drain.

And of course, I had a case study and midterm to accomplish for Law. The minute I received the message confirming the submission of my answers, I plopped down on my bed and napped. Later on that night, I released all the pent-up tension in me by going on my first ever e-numan. I never got the logic behind drinking alcohol in front of my computer: I always thought it was a sad attempt to replicate the bustling nightlife of Katip or the intimate energy of barkada chillnumans in condominiums. But I guess all I needed was the right company, and some sweet-tasting Novellino.

Anyway, before this turns into a full-on advert for a brand that isn’t even sponsoring this post, let me move on.

Reading that probably exhausted you. As the one who had to live through all that, I can tell you: it was even more hectic than you think. Before this pandemic was a thing, my schedule was clear-cut. I could tell the days of the week apart, and appreciate the endless possibility brought by Friday evenings. I could wake up at eight on Saturday morning, smile to myself because of how early it is, and go back to sleep without any feelings of guilt.

Now, the line that separates work and home has been completely obliterated. The Internet promotes that I have to be at the top of my game all the time. Every moment spent in rest and recreation is a moment wasted when there’s so much to do, always somewhere to be even if I’m technically not allowed to leave the comfort of my own home.

I would sometimes report to my friends that I threw my circadian rhythm out the window, which would be met with the same well-meaning outcries. “What the hell! Drop all your commitments! Pace yourself! Sleep early!”. I think they know by now that this often falls on deaf ears. Ironically, whenever I observe or hear of friends falling into the same patterns as me, I’m often one of the first to reprimand. I sentence them to early bedtime like a stressed suburban mother of two, and check in on them constantly to see if they’re doing alright. I tell them not to pressure themselves to perform at their very best, while working myself to the bone, writing this ~2,000 word essay at half past two in the morning.

But one conversation I had with one of my friends stood out. He told me how proud he was of me: that even if I’m so busy juggling so many things, it all pays off in the end because I’m genuinely happy and fulfilled. I get to see the fruits of my labor and share it with the world.

Which is so true. I honestly enjoy the success that comes from this hyperproductivity, and take pride in the output that I manage to churn out. I’m willing to give up hours of sleep if it means getting to do what will help me make my pipe dreams a reality, or create something that sets my soul on fire.I don’t mind going out of my comfort zone if it’s to talk to new people who have the potential of being some of my greatest friends in the future, or advocating for causes that I’m passionate about.

In fact, I am so willing to prolong my period of working to welcome the new members of my department or create even more articles to talk about pressing cultural phenomena. It will be hard as hell while the sacrifice is still ongoing but I always know that it will lead to something greater and bigger than I am.

Besides, when I feel like I can no longer take it, I don’t think I’ll have it in me to force myself. It might not look like it but I am afraid of the serious health risks and will try to slot in more time for sleep if need be. But I have no plans of backing out of anything right now since I’m still on top of everything. Guess I’m fueled by a genuine desire to give/be/do as much as I can, while I still can.

Where did this post even go, honestly… This was supposed to be a simple life update, complete with a pop culture recommendation to supplement my experiences. I did not expect it to spiral the way it did so now I have no idea how to transition from one part to the next in a way that isn’t entirely awkward. Oh well.

I managed to preserve my sanity these past two weeks by listening to only one artist. Anyone who follows me on Spotify must think that their Friend Activity tab is glitching but the rumors are indeed true: I have been listening to chosen songs from The Boyz’ discography on a constant loop, like an actual zombie. Count on me to get into a new K-Pop group during the busiest week of the quarter as a coping mechanism.

I was an anti of this group when they first debuted because they are home to a former Produce 101 contestant whom I hated. (Still do, up to now. Don’t know how to reconcile my conflicting feelings.) So you could say I was heavily biased from the start and refused to give them a chance. Thankfully, one of my best friends recently converted after watching them on Road to Kingdom and sent me some of their performances to reel me in. Since I am a girl with a working brain and pair of eyes, I was easily impressed. When they came back recently with The Stealer, I officially fell and made no active efforts to get up.

If there are any Deobis reading, (1) congrats, you are a person of taste; (2) please be my friend. My current favorite songs other than their latest title track are No Air, I’m Your Boy, and Break Your Rules. I’ve also started most mornings with their Danger live stage. Who needs caffeine when you have acrobatic stunts and good-looking men?

I also have a lot of exciting things coming up, which I just felt the need to share:

I’m going to be a panelist at a talk for Developh, an organization I’m a part of which leverages technology for social good. This Friday, October 16th, I’ll be joining three brilliant go-getters from different fields to talk about my internship at makesense Philippines (which warrants another blog post) as well as my experience as a freelance writer.

I have a couple of published pieces in the pipeline right now that I absolutely cannot wait to share! I honestly think they’re some of my favorites. Over the past few weeks, I have written about Internet study communities, the Subtle Asian Dating Facebook group, and unpaid internships. I’ve also pitched a couple more to my bosses and they’ve given me the green light at the same time so yes, once again, I am running on tight deadlines.

I’ll be applying for internships once this quarter is over and I’m already considering a couple of start-ups as good prospects. I’m making my personalized CVs for each company and saving the contact details of the designated point people in a neat little Notion spread for easy access.

Feels weird to end this post with stay safe and healthy, and don’t forget to rest. Maybe I’ll just make that a note to self.

Love and light,

Angel

#angeltriestoblog #life updates

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inkofamethyst · 6 years ago

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April 29, 2019

Okay so we wrote this devised play in theatre about identity right? And this was earlier on in the year, before the theatre teacher ~left~. Anyway the plot centered around how these four (archetypal) students were in detention due to a disagreement about a project that they failed. One character was a full-on jock, one was the quiet kid, one was the nerdy brainiac, and the other was a kid who was super busy because they were trying to find something they were good at but nothing was quite right. I helped to create the nerd character, and I ultimately played the jock, but I suppose that’s neither here nor there.

I bring that up because I literally just realized how much like the brainy character I am. I have just completed my second project under this new theatre teacher (she’s having us study different theatre influencers once a month) in a group, and my group buddies all ended up waiting until the last minute to complete their sections, not to mention the fact that we have a poster to complete that (surprise, surprise!) hasn’t been finished! And honestly, I did my part. I created the shared document, I finished my part of the powerpoint, I drew up my part of the poster, and I’m even about to print off a picture to add to it. If the poster doesn’t have all of their information on it by the time it’s due, I guess that’s on them. I can’t be held responsible for the shortcomings of others. Will I put in a little extra effort just to show that I tried to do my part and more to the best of my ability? Yes. That’s just how I am. But I have better things to do than to complete a four-person powerpoint where each person literally only has to do one slide that will take them ten minutes or less to complete.

Am I salty? A wee bit, sure.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

(No, I did not forget about my plans from yesterday. As a matter of fact I have it all written out in my drafts, but it turned out not to be as exciting in written form as I had expected it to be. I may post it later, but until then, enjoy this thing from my drafts before I graduate high school and it becomes less relevant. I wrote it a few weeks ago. Instead of what I had planned to do, I might just make a list of all the things I like about the school from my own memory. That’s probably a better idea anyway.)

Today I am thankful for my grandmother and aunt on my dad’s side. They’re always there for me whenever I need them and they’re always looking out for me, even if it feels like smothering at times. We have different views on certain things, but I still appreciate them because they’re family (and they load me up with cash on a regular basis so that’s nice too).

Side note: Interim grades for seniors were due today because our remaining time at school is so incredibly short. Look: We’ve got this week which is just full of AP practice (on Wednesday alone I’ll be doing AP Lit in first, AP Spanish Lang in fourth, AP Calc in fifth, and AP Chem in sixth), then next week which is full of APs (just Tuesday and Thursday for me), then the following week is another AP week and on Thursday we start high school finals. The week after that is the senior finals week and the week of graduation rehearsals and then our last day is that Thursday. I’ve got a little under four weeks of high school left, and there’s still so much to be done before it’s over. I think that my only off-day is going to be next Thursday. I’m definitely not coming back to school following my chem exam. I’ll try to come back after Spanish though (and maybe Calculus, depending on whether we’re doing a lab in chem or not (and how awfully tired I feel)) so that I can study for more chemistry if I can. We’ll see.

Anyway, I’ve got to prep for practice tests tomorrow, but I’d like to go to bed at a decent time instead of two in the morning for absolutely no reason like last night. What I need to do is stay focused. And if I get tired and don’t feel like continuing, I’m not going to push it because that’ll only make me feel worse in the morning.

So, yeah! Until tomorrow, friends!

(No, I don’t know why I referred to the reader (likely myself) as “friends,” but I’m going to roll with it because I’m chronically sleep-deprived (and that’s all my fault, but that’s a discussion for another day).)

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foolsiwillshowthemall · 8 years ago

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Farm Report: First week of autumn

First day of fall, and I have a letter in the mail. Apparently I'm getting gifts from the Wizard now, and he refers to me as 'Young Apprentice'. Nice.

I"m not sure if I even can learn magic. I'm just a farmer - magic is more of Abby's thing - but it never hurts to be on good terms with the local wizard.

Today I have a lot of work to do. Clearing out the remains of the summer crops and preparing the farm for the fall season. The wheat that I planted just before the end of summer is ready to harvest, which is a nice bit of timing that I wish I had done on purpose, and the presence of a growing crop preserved the tilled, fertilized soil, so I don't even need to prep it again.

The sad remains of my blueberries are cleaned away. This part of the farm will need to be re-fertilized. Dead crops preserve the tilled soil, but don't save the fertilizer like living ones do.

The melon patch only needs to be watered, and it's ready to go.

My barn is done being upgraded, so I head to Marnie's to buy more animals. Marnie, strangely, is not home. I don't have time to wait for her. The animals can wait till tomorrow.

The next stop is at Pierre's to buy seeds. This season I'm planning ahead, and buying all the seeds I'll need for the entire season. Some crops, like cranberries and grapes, only need to be planted once, but many of the others - pumpkins, amaranth, artichokes, etc - will need to be re-planted after every harvest, two or four times a season. I've worked out what should be enough seeds to get me through the entire fall.

It's damn expensive to do it this way - I just dropped about 70k on seeds - but I shouldn't have my farming interrupted by having to run to the store for more seeds this fall.

Getting the cranberries in the ground first. I wasn't able to make much speed-gro this year, so I'm just doing the entire plot with regular fertilizer. I won't get as many harvests, but they will all come at the same time and be higher quality.

Melons are planted, and now I'm putting the fertilizer in the rest of the plot. There's not as much needed this season, thanks to the wheat crop preserving much of the fertilizer from summer

Carefully arranging the grape trellises. These block pathing, so I need to lay them down in corridors so I can still access all the crops.

Finally done with the main farm, after putting down rows of amaranth, eggplant, bok choy, yams, and artichoke between the grapes. The corn planted during summer will continue growing through the fall. One stalk of corn died during a storm, so I've planted a Rare Seed from the traveling wagon there.

Last bit of planting is the Fairy Rose seeds near the apiary, and then I'm done setting up the farm for the season. I actually managed to get it all done before midnight this season.

Tuesday the 2nd. Not much to do today, other than watering the pumpkins.

Today I am planting trees. I stripped this land pretty badly in search of lumber, but I saved all the tree seeds I gathered in the process. Now I'm planting a nice plot of maple in this unused corner. These will take a year or so to grow, and then I'll be able to harvest them for more wood, or tap them for maple syrup.

Next stop is Marnie's to buy animals, but once again she isn't home. Marnie, you have one job to do this town, and you aren't doing it.

Robin isn't home either. What is going on today? Where is everyone?

Frustrated, I spend the rest of the evening clearing the random logs and rocks that appeared on my farm with the change of the seasons.

Wednesday the 3rd. Pierre has given me a small cash back on the massive amount of money I spent the other day. That's about one half of a percent refund. Well, it's better than nothing.

Marnie is finally doing her job today. Where have you been for the last two days, Marnie, and why do you smell like truffle oil? No - never mind - I don't want to know.

Now that I have the largest barn upgrade, I can finally buy pigs. They're not cheap, but I can afford two, and they're the only way to reliably get truffles.

Bacon and Porkchop will find me the truffles that I need to finish the community center bundle, or they'll live up to their names. Either way is fine with me.

I'm also buying one more duck. Pho will keep Peking company along with all the chickens.

Goats, pigs, chickens, and ducks, all together still barely making a dent in all that grass.

For the rest of the day, I'm heading to the mines. The spirits promised me great difficulty, but I'm going to the easy levels and harvesting coal and iron ore.

That night, 39 bottles of melon wine are ready for sale. That's about 40K of profit, which covers the cost of those two pigs.

Thursday the 4th. I have more work for Robin. The barn is completely upgraded, but I need to buy an upgrade for the coop next. I don't even remotely have enough wood for this, but she does and is willing to sell it to me cheap.

Hey, uh, Demetrius? I've been fishing a lot of soggy newspaper out of the river, and you're the only one I see reading these. You are disposing of these responsibly, and not just dumping them in the water when you're done, right?

Back to the mines for the rest of the day. I need more iron ore and coal for some crafting I'd like to do.

With the iron ore and coal from the mines, the batteries from the lightning rods, and the plans that I bought from Robin, I have started building proper lamp-posts to place around the farm. These cast a lot more light than the torches do, and look better. Yeah, it's purely a cosmetic detail, but cosmetic details are most of what this game is about.

Friday the 5th, and Robin is at work on the coop. The chickens and ducks aren't happy, but they've laid eggs anyway. It's a rainy day, so they'll be stuck inside with her. Robin, ever the pro, doesn't mind having half a dozen animals staring at her while she works.

Checking the traveling cart to see if they have any of the items I need for the community center. They have yet another pufferfish. I already have that one, and a spare that I gave to Demetrius. I'm starting to get worried about finishing the community center by the end of the year. I probably have the animal products covered, but there are three fish left I need to catch that I have yet to see any trace of.

Dear sweet Elliott wants a Frozen Tear. I don't know what for, possibly to inspire him for his next novel. I have a dozen or so in storage, but I'm also planning to head to the mines today and should be able to get him a fresh one, to the degree that 'fresh' even applies to minerals.

A rare daytime sighting of the reclusive Sebastian. It's cute that he's reading books about my life, although I really don't think that the life of a farmer is one for him.

One frozen tear, right near the entrance, to be delivered to Elliott tomorrow. Now I just need iron ore and coal for my own projects.

Quite a few monsters today, but also a good haul of loot.

That night, Robin is still hard at work at an hour approaching midnight. I bring her the usual spaghetti dinner. Got to keep my carpenter happy.

That last bit of mining gained me enough knowledge to build a Crystalarium. This is a tool which somehow grows new gemstones, apparently out of thing air. It will be key to providing Abigail with a constant supply of amethysts once we are married. Unfortunately, building it requires two bars of Iridium, and I don't even have enough ore for a single bar yet.

Saturday the 6th, and I have another easy to meet request. Gus wants a lobster, and I have several in storage from my crab traps.

Eggplants and bok choy are ready for harvest today. The eggplants are multi-harvest plants, but the bok choy needs to be re-planted after harvest. Thanks to my massive splurge on seeds at the start of the year, I can re-seed this strip immediately.

Robin is finished with the upgrade to the chicken coop. Auto-feeder, room for 12 animals, and capable of housing rabbits.

Marnie is actually at her job today. I buy two rabbits, Hazel and Fiver, and send them off to the coop. These will probably be the last two animals I buy for a while.

Giving Elliott the Frozen Tear, fresh from the mines, that he requested. I assume his next book will be something mining-related.

Next, Gus gets his lobster, presumably for the special of the night at the tavern. Gus is one villager who I hadn't bothered much with raising my friendship level so far. He's not romancable, and I was focusing on the romance candidates first, but it is useful to get everyone's friendship levels up even if you can't marry them. Doing quests like this helps with that.

Trying to improve the farm, Jodi? Do you know how much money I've put into building upgrades this year alone?

Actually, it's mostly going to be a lot of work for Robin.

You shut your mouth, Caroline. Abigail is getting her online coursework done, practicing her flute regularly, going for long walks several times a week, and helping you and Pierre around the store. If she wants to spend a few hours relaxing with video games, that's her business.

Abby, for the record, you are entitled to play all the video games you want. Don't let anyone tell you different.

It's a crowded day at the mountain lake. Demetrius is doing science, I'm fishing, Abby is playing the flute, and Linus is just enjoying the lovely fall day.

Did not catch the fish I was after, but at least I had lovely music to listen to while I tried.

Maybe this will help? Maybe I should look into actually using some of these special hook and lure thingies I can make now too?

Sunday the 7th. Clint has, most unexpectedly, sent me a gold bar in the mail. It's a nice gift. For a moment I'm worried that he might be developing a crush on me, which would be all kinds of awkward. Then I realize that if that was the case, he would never send me the gift himself, he'd ask someone else to procure the gift and send it for him. I'm safe.

Good work, soldier. The lives of these cranberry plants depends on you.

My goats are old enough to be milked now. It's not the Large Milk I need for the Community Center, but still useful and valuable. I'll probably end up making goat cheese out of this.

Ironically, today is the day that the traveling cart has goat milk in stock. Thanks, but my goats just made some.

My next order for Robin is another silo. I'm going to need this to store hay for the winter, with all the animals I have. This time I actually have all the materials for it on hand, as it doesn't need any wood.

Mind if I do some fishing here, Sebby?

Yeah, he's cool with it.

#stardew valley #drew plays video games #marnie #robin #sebastian #elliott #abigail

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p-artsypants · 8 years ago

Text

320 State Street- 1 (April)

AO3 | FF.net

I don’t usually post new stories when I don’t have a couple of chapters done, but I’ve really excited about this one. I started planning it way back around Infernal Responsibility in 2015. Since then, the story has changed in little ways and I went through a little Miraculous Ladybug and Kingdom Hearts phase. But now I’m back and ready to rock! I hope you all enjoy my Modern AU.

—

Based on actual events.

—

“Can I help you?”

Astrid had entered the hardware store on a whim. 320 State Street, Gobber’s Goods, run by a master Jack-of-All-Trades. Located in the Times Square of the little twin city area, but looked like you’d find it out in the middle of nowhere. Cement statues and garden decorations stood watch outside. All other trendy, organized, high trafficked stores had come and gone, but Gobber’s Goods had remained steadfast and unchanging. Well, at some point, someone re-painted the sign. It was rumored the store carried everything you could think of, despite it’s small size. And if you went in, you’d find exactly what you’d need.

Well, Astrid needed a job, and the sign in the window advertised there was one available.

The young cashier drummed his fingers on the side of the register. His extremely green eyes were only magnified by his club master glasses. He might have been really attractive, if his nose wasn’t so huge. His russet hair laid lightly tussled on his head as he continued to smile at her.

“Uh…” she distractedly looked around the shop, taking in the absolute chaos and clutter.

“It’s…a little crazy in here,” he admitted, “is there something you need? There’s some method to Gobber’s madness, I’m sure we could figure it out.”

Crazy was an understatement. Only a little sunlight spilled in from the poster covered windows, showing dust floating in the air. The fattest cat she’d ever seen was laying on a shelf, enjoying the sun. Vintage ads and signs hung from the ceiling. There was only a few lights, and they flickered here and there. The wooden floorboards creaked with each step. A refrigerator with glass bottle pop sat by the door, while a fridge of bait next to it. Shelves filled with unmarked, rusted cans and dusty tools lined aisle after aisle. Behind the cashier, the wall was lined with hundreds of little drawers. The store was bigger inside than first glance.

Astrid was very much regretting her decision to apply, but her desperation spoke for her as she stated, “application.”

The cashier smiled wider, showing his braces. “We don’t have applications, but my boss is here and he can interview you now, if you have time.”

“Uh, yeah, that’ll work.”

“Cool, let me just…uh…” he reached over, grabbed a radio, and hit a button. “Hey Boss, there’s a girl here interested in the job.”

There was silence for a long time before a voice spoke back. “Is she cute?”

The cashier blushed. “Gobber!”

“I’ll be out in a sec! Be cordial!”

The cashier rolled his eyes and dropped the radio to the glass counter. “So…you must be pretty desperate to apply here.”

She grimaced. “I mean, you aren’t wrong, but is it that bad?”

“No, not at all.” He leaned forward on his elbows, “I love working here. It’s just…everyone assumes its awful because the place is a dump.”

“It’s…got character.” She supplied. A light blinked out. “This is actually the first time I’ve been in here. It’s not often I have to buy…repair stuff,” then she whispered, “I usually go to Ace Hardware.”

The cashier snickered. “Don’t say that too loud around Gobber, he’ll tell you all about their terrible merchandise.”

Astrid looked at the shelves of dilapidated junk. “Sounds pretty hypocritical.”

“You should have seen the place before I got here.”

“Oh?”

Before he could continue his story, a goat looking man hobbled out. His stomach hanging out over his belt and his mustache dangling down by his nipples. He stood on a wooden peg leg while his hook hand scratched his fat red nose. “So! You want a job, ey?”

“I regret everything.” She muttered.

"Let's talk.” From behind the counter, he pulled out two high chairs and beckoned her to sit. The cashier went to make himself busy, but the owner steadied him. “You get just as much in a say in this hire as I do, since you’ll be training her.”

The boy couldn’t argue with that.

“So, Lass, why do you wanna work fer me?"

He spoke with an accent. Irish? She couldn’t tell. “Well, to be honest, Mr.—..."

"Gobber. Owner of this fine establishment.”

"Uh, Gobber, right. Well, to be honest, I just need a job, and my friend recommended it."

"Who's yer friend?"

"Gladius Thorenson, you employ her brother Mortice?"

"Tuff! Ah, good lad.” He nodded. “Alright, I only have a few questions.”

“Shoot.”

“Do you have any psychotic tendencies?"

"What? No!"

"Disabilities?"

"No."

"Drug addiction?"

"Nope."

"Criminal history?"

"No sir."

"Well, then why on earth do you want a job here?"

She sighed. "I...I got fired from Bath and Body Works a few weeks ago, because of a cruel customer. I am desperate for a job, and no one is hiring."

"Ah, I see...shopaholic then?"

She actually laughed. "No, it's my dad."

“Ah, I see! You’re hired.”

"Wait? Really?! Don’t you need to see any references? Blood tests? Skill sets? To consider the candidates over two weeks before you call me back?”

“You know Tuff and his sister, Ruff. That’s good enough for me. Besides, there were no other candidates, and that sign has been in the window for two weeks. When can you start?"

Right now, She thought earnestly. "As soon as you need me to?"

“Great! Let’s talk about your schedule Miss…Oh good grief! I was so excited to get a pretty girl on my team I forgot to ask your name!”

“I’m Astrid, Astrid Hofferson.”

“Astrid! What a lovely name!” He turned to the cashier. “Don’t you think so Hiccup?”

In turn, Hiccup blushed, “What are you trying to do, flirt for me?”

“If you think so, then sure!”

The boy rolled his eyes and looked at her, “I’m Henry Haddock, but everyone calls me Hiccup.”

“…why?” She asked, hesitantly.

“Tuff likes to come up with nicknames. I just kind of roll with it.”

She nodded in understanding.

“Well,” Gobber began, with a schedule in hand. “What I like to do, is have a cashier, a stocker, and a delivery driver working at the same time, so if something happens, there’s at least one person in the store. Depending on when you can work, I’ll figure out the team. So, when can you work?”

“I have class Monday through Wednesday until 12. Thursdays and Fridays I have clinicals at the hospital until 4. Weekends are totally free.”

“Med student?”

“Nursing,” She smiled.

He looked at his hand, “We could definitely use a nursing student.”

Astrid just stared wide-eyed.

“I’m just kidding, I lost this years ago. Reached into a wood chipper to get a rock that fell in, and when I pulled it out…” He made a grinding sound.

She shuttered heavily. “What about your leg?”

“Landmine in Vietnam.”

She hummed in understanding.

“How many hours are you thinking?”

“As many as I can get.”

“Great! So let’s see…” He studied the sheet. “Why don’t you pick out a soda from the fridge while I figure this out? My treat!”

“Oh, thanks!” She smiled. “What’s good?”

Hiccup replied back, “Might I suggest ‘Rat Bastard’ Root Beer? It’s pungent with a hint of Vanilla.”

She found the bottle and allowed him to pop the cap with an opener. One swig and she was pleased, “pungent, with a hint of vanilla. You weren’t kidding.”

Gobber looked up. “I’ll have you work 2 to close Monday through Wednesday with Hiccup. We close at 8. Thursdays and I can have you on from 5-close. And then Saturday morning—no wait, evening, 12-5, we close early on Saturdays. Mildew works mornings and I don’t want you working with him.”

“Mildew? Seriously, what’s up with these names?”

Gobber continued. “We’re closed on Sundays and most Holidays. But that gives you about thirty hours. Think you can handle it?”

“I was actually hoping for more…but if that’s all you have, I’ll take it. It’s minimum wage, right?”

“For a little while, but if you show up on time, are pleasant and do something, there’s a chance for a 50 cent raise in the first month, and then once a year after that.”

Hiccup added, “Everyone but Tuff has gotten a raise. It’s not that hard.”

She chuckled, “Knowing Tuff, he’s close to being fired.”

“One day…” Gobber lamented. “Well, I think I’ve overloaded your brain for today. So, tomorrow is Wednesday. Are you ready to start?”

“2 O’clock? I’ll be here!”

“I’ll be on a job until 5, so Hiccup here will take care of you.”

She grinned, “I’m looking forward to it.”

“Oh!” The man snapped, “there’s one more important thing I forgot.”

“Oh yeah, the tax forms.” Astrid confirmed.

Hiccup snickered, “Tax forms…”

“What? No no, we’ll do that later.” Gobber assured, “more importantly, we need to figure out what role you would have in viking society.”

Her brows furrowed, “Uh…what?”

“It’s simple, in order for us to get along, we must all have a role. You’ll have conflicts if there’s two Blacksmiths or Shepards.”

“I thought I was a cashier? Or a stocker?”

Hiccup nodded, “you’re a cashier, this is just a…store management thing.”

“Oh.”

“Now I,” declared the boss, “am obviously…what?”

“Uh…the chief?”

“No! The Blacksmith! Geez…”

“Okay, you fix stuff, so you’re the Blacksmith, I got it.”

“Now, Mildew is the farmer.”

“…because he’s a stocker?” She confirmed.

Gobber paused, “Well, yeah, that makes sense, but he also has 18 cats.”

She threw up a little bit in her mouth.

“Bucket and Mulch are the fishermen.”

“Okay, hold on, I thought you just said there couldn’t be duplicates.”

Hiccup answered, “Those two have to work together…Bucket needs help. He can’t drive, but he’s really strong. So he’s great for deliveries.”

“Oh, I see. Continue.”

“Tuff is the village idiot.”

“Makes sense.”

“And Hiccup here is the Prince.”

Hiccup pinched the bridge of his nose, “There’s no princes in Norse Mythology.”

“Well, he’s the closest thing to Chief we have, but he’s not the Chief. While I do the hiring, firing, schedules…and all that stuff, Hiccup manages the store.”

Astrid looked around, “… so I see…”

Hiccup looked at her flatly, “I don’t get a lot of time to organize if I’m always watching the register.”

“Which is why we hired you, lass!” Gobber intervened.

“Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense.” She processed all that had been said. “Is there a Chief?”

“Uh…” Gobber scrunched up his nose. “My business partner Alvin is probably the Chief, though it’s unspoken.”

Hiccup frowned. “If you’re lucky, you’ll never have to meet him.” Then he whispered, “he’s got anger issues.”

“But he knows how to balance the books! He’s the shrewdest man to walk this earth, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t keep us in business!”

“Shieldmaiden.” Astrid stated.

“What?” The men asked in unison.

“Well, someone has to be the warrior, the one that rallies the moral of the team, the one to protect the village…or else you’re subject to invasion. So, I want to be the Shieldmaiden.”

“I was thinking you’d say healer, you know…nursing student?” Hiccup shrugged.

She smiled and replied, “Who said I can’t be both?”

Gobber snickered at Hiccup. “I like her.”

“So, Shieldmaiden,” began Hiccup, “You still want to work here, even with all this craziness?”

She looked fondly at the clutter and chaos and answered, resolute, “I think crazy is just the thing I could use right now.”

—

Gladius, known respectfully by her peers as Ruff, sat at a high table in the far back of the room.

"D'ya get it?"

"Yeah," Astrid said, taking her seat, a near empty bottle of root beer and soup in hand. "Thanks for the idea. You should have seen the guy's face when I asked.“

"Who? The cute freckled one with the Ray Bans?"

"Yeah, sure. Anyways, the look was of sheer delight. ”

“Oh, of course. He wasn’t expecting to get a 10 like you.“

"What?"

"Well, most of the workers there have some sort of problem, i.e. disability.”

“And your brother?”

“He’s just stupid!” Ruff laughed. “So, you’re still going in tomorrow?”

“I got hired on the spot! I’ve applied at every establishment on this side of the river and no one called me back. And I got thirty hours with the promise of a raise. I can’t imagine anything better.”

"Thanks Michigan, for the highest unemployment rate..." Ruff muttered snidely.

"I just hope the work is worth the pay. Remember at B&B when they made me manager but continued paying minimum wage?“ She muttered.

“You have the worst luck, girlfriend. The worst.”

“Debatably. I have a house—“

“That you share with a psycho.”

“I have a job.”

“Now.”

“And I’m going to school.”

“For the worst reason…”

“I’m in the top ten percent. I’m not going to ask for more.”

"Maybe you'll get to work with Mr. Hottie Cashier." Ruff wiggled her eyebrows.

Astrid glanced at her, but then looked back to her soup. "He seems nice, but you can't judge a person on his looks."

"I thought you liked the nerdy looking guys."

"Forget it Ruff, not interested."

"Who knows? And come on! You should ask him out!"

"Drop it Ruff."

"Give me one good reason!"

Astrid glanced up and stated outright. "Scott."

Ruff deflated. "That's a reason. Sometimes I forget you even have a boyfriend."

Astrid ignored her friend and finished her soup.

"I mean, you never talk about him. I never see him, the only evidence that he exists is—..."

“Let’s talk about something else?”

“Like what? All you ever talk about nowadays is your crazy roommate and your extremely exhausting classes.”

“I’m busy, okay? How about you? Weren’t you dating that one guy? Mr. Bulging Pecs?”

Ruff got a dreamy look on her face. “Erik Erikson…the man of my dreams.”

“So…that’s a yes then?”

“I might have fibbed a little about our whole dating thing.”

Astrid pushed her bowl out of the way and leaned in on her elbows. “What did you do?”

“I may have spied on him from a tree, and he may have caught me, and he may have filed for a restraining order.”

The attention of the every patron in the cafe was on Astrid in a second as she started screaming with laughter. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” She gasped out between guffaws.

“It’s not that funny.”

“You said that I had bad luck!”

“Well, he hasn’t gotten the restraining order yet, so I’m going to apologize and then we’re going to fall in love and have beautiful babies.”

“Ruff, you a your brother lead the craziest lives ever.”

“Interesting. Most interesting lives.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Astrid downed the rest of her soda. “Hey, I have to get going, I have a Psychology paper I have to finish.”

“Gross.”

“You know, I wish I had gotten this job sooner, since we’re studying the traumatic effects of amputation on the human body, and my new boss is a double amputee.”

“Blah blah science, blah blah health.”

Astrid narrowed her eyes as she put on her coat. “Remind me why we’re friends.”

“Like you said, I lead an interesting life.”

“Well,” She picked up her empty bowl. “Soon, I’ll have other stories to tell you, instead of medical horrors.”

Ruff rolled her eyes, “hurray, more bad customer stories.”

#how to train your dragon #httyd #hiccup #Astrid Hofferson #toothless #modern au #fanfiction #fanfic

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cosmosogler · 8 years ago

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hi guys. i got up at like 7:30, found out the school was closed until 10, and went back to bed. then i got up for my psychiatrist appointment, got a call that it was canceled, and went back to bed. no meds for me. i promised the counter lady i’d reschedule the appointment tomorrow when i would be at the health center for my regular doctor’s appointment.

then i realized my doctor’s appointment was during my si outreach event, so i would have to reschedule that too. luckily, that ended up not being a problem.

my first class was canceled due to the blizzard so i got to relax and try to do homework. except i got an email that i had missed the drop/add deadline for my si training class, so i’d have to fill out the override form and get 3 magical artifacts i mean signatures and deliver the paperwork to the registrar. i went to the slc first to get my supervisor’s signature. she wasted a whole bunch of time talking about stuff i’d already finished doing. then she put me in front of a computer to write a paragraph about how i didn’t know that the drop/add deadline for this 8-week courses was only the 19th, as it had been a 2-week period in previous semesters and was just changed with no notice. i finished it in about a minute and went back to her office to find she had popped over to her neighbor. so i sat outside that office for 10 minutes, getting more antsy and sick. my supervisor finally came out and asked if i’d been waiting for her to print the paragraph, and i said i’d been waiting for ten minutes. she printed it out for me and told me where i needed to go to get the other two signatures. i was gonna do that, but i had to grab a snack first, as i hadn’t eaten in a very long time.

then when i got back to the physics department i got ANOTHER email about my nasa project, which also had paperwork due today. so i printed that out and started filling it out, and then i had to go to class without even getting to start my homework.

immediately upon stepping outside the physics lounge i felt extremely nauseous. it was the worst it’s been in the whole four weeks i’ve been sick, other than when i try to brush my tongue and stick the toothbrush in too far. i’ve been more careful about that lately though. i hobbled over to the math department, put my backpack down, stared at the floor for a few seconds, and immediately went in the bathroom and dry heaved for like 6 minutes. i missed the beginning of class. jay asked where i was about halfway through the class and cody pointed at me. i waved at him. i told heather i was feeling really seriously sick, and spent the whole class sweating and staring at my desk in the back.

after class jay managed to talk me into getting some lunch. i was feeling a little better, so i promised myself i’d only eat a little bit, so i didn’t upset my stomach further. i had some sweet potatoes and a cup of thai tea, which was probably a mistake. i joked around with jay and rob and then we went to quantum 2. i put my backpack down and then had to run to the bathroom to puke for reals. then my nose started bleeding, and my eyes got dry and itchy and painful. i was a little shaken up, since i can usually handle my nausea better than that. i asked the professor if i should go to the health center or if he would prefer i go after class and he practically kicked me out. the walk to the health center was the longest walk i’ve ever been through. even though it was about 3 minutes away.

i talked to the lady at the front desk and she canceled my appointment for tomorrow in order to get me in right then. i couldn’t tell if the doctor was happy or annoyed when she asked some questions and i launched into my entire medical history and every conversation i’ve had over the last 4 weeks relating to my illness. she had me lay back on the table and put her hand on my right side, which surprisingly hurt actually a lot. she said something about my gallbladder and left to set up an appointment with the hospital. she asked if i had any plans for the afternoon or if could see them immediately and i said i had some paperwork to finish, but no classes. but the radiologist at the hospital was too busy today, so i gotta go on thursday morning at like 7. i get the feeling that since the radiologist thinks it’s going to take longer than an hour and a half he might be checking on more than one internal organ.

i rescheduled my appointment with my psychiatrist and trudged over to the offices i needed to get signatures from, and turned in that paperwork. then i finished my nasa project application and told my quantum professor i was still alive. and i contacted all my morning professors about missing class on thursday. i’ve missed more school than i’ve attended so far this semester between the funeral, the weather, and now this.

i talked to rob a bit on the way home since we ran into each other on the bus. we talked about the nasa project and what the week looked like for me. i was in a lot of pain, but it started fading by the time i got home. it took 50 minutes to get home.

i ate a veggie dog for dinner, and when i only felt a little nauseous, i made a second one and had some fruit, which had started to look a little weird after i didn’t have time to eat it last week. so i only had a little bit. and i STILL didn’t get any homework done! gotta try to get up early tomorrow morning and try again. i don’t know if i can manage jazzercise tomorrow though, my stomach area is still pretty uncomfortable even though i haven’t eaten anything else for hours.

and my dad blew me off when i complained about a sharp pain in my side on saturday! and mom blew me off too at the airport when it first started. that airplane ride was so long, but not as long as the time i had shigella and was actually dying and the plane ride took about 19 hours. or maybe it was just 9. i can’t remember any more. definitely at least 19 hours total travel time from malawi to south africa to georgia to arizona.

anyway, i’ve been having random symptoms and various pains in different areas that come and go for four weeks now. nothing really consistent other than generally feeling like something’s wrong. like even yesterday evening when i was feeling fine physically i still would have described myself as “sick” somehow.

i might have to miss more class, depending on how i feel tomorrow. at least i have the doctor’s appointment note for thursday, so i’ll only really get one unexcused absence. but i’m hoping to feel ok enough for class tomorrow. i really need to do this homework... gotta pull myself together somehow.

i guess in a way i kind of hope something is seriously wrong. i guess it would make me feel justified, in a way? like no wonder i feel terrible and have no patience for anything, i had some serious illness that wasn’t treated! and the first doctor said i had vertigo for some reason!

i’ve been writing this post for a half hour. i should try to sleep. today, despite getting up kind of late, was very densely packed. i still haven’t told my parents i need an ultrasound, partially because i left my phone at home today on accident. but i think i’ll wait until i get some results before i say anything. mom kind of freaks the hell out when something is wrong.

maybe i’m burying my emotions about the whole thing, because i sure don’t have any strong feelings about it. i didn’t really have strong feelings about grandma’s death either, except a seriously delayed reaction to seeing her dead body. i didn’t have any super strong feelings about glenn either, except getting annoyed when he called me “sweetie.” if this had been ten years ago his presence would have really rustled my jimmies. i guess i’ve stopped feeling too upset about losing my pokemon game too. i just feel a kind of heavy dark deadness when i think about it. the only thing that really makes me lose my temper is being unable to articulate my feelings to jim. i guess because i don’t have any feelings? i gotta be feeling SOMETHING, though, because my homework is as done as raw steak, and i don’t usually completely ignore it when it’s open right in front of me unless i’m upset about something else. dr. cole has been really gentle with me about the nuclear homework and my last grad school application, and my laplace transforms professor said i could have an extra day to turn in my make-up work, and hogan said i should take my time looking over his notes from quantum today, and i got a quick recap about the class from rob, so everyone is being pretty nice about everything... even jay said he was sorry about my grandmother. maybe there’s something about my face or posture i’m not noticing.

i keep wanting to cry but i can’t... quite... make the tears come out of my eyes. i wanted to talk to my psychiatrist about it, but i’m seeing a different doctor on monday since she’s booked through like all of february. i am at least getting a refill on my current meds. i’m worried about how much progress i’m going to make with this new therapist, wei luo. if i can’t get myself through all this garbage before the end of the semester i’ll be really disappointed. and maybe not as emotionally prepared for grad school as i would like to be. at least i’m not getting so many random panic attacks frequently throughout the day. maybe i’m tiring myself out doing all this running around.

i gotta try to sleep. it’s almost 11 now. i started writing before 10:15. but i think it was good to get all these thoughts down somewhere. i haven’t had a lot of time to think about what’s going on, but i keep doing it anyway, so maybe writing it down will help me stop thinking about this and think about important things like my schoolwork and falling asleep for a little bit.

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