#i met a therapist and she told me she thinks i am dealing with some trauma and i know there are things that are a response

[flowerygn]

[ilovefootballwrs]

waiting room

Reader x Leah Williamson

Warnings: Toxic relationship, homophobia, mommy issues

"I wanna make you drive all night just because I said, "Maybe you should come over" Wanna make you fall in love as hard as my poor parents' teenage daughter She'll be the best you ever had if you let her"

---------------------

Present

"How do you know she was the one?"

How did I know she was the on? Maybe it was the way that she made me feel? When we were together it was a mess, we were a mess. But when we are apart? My heart and soul long for her. I could never let her go, it is never going to happen.

"I never said that." I answered to the question.

"I know, but you implied it." She took a long breath before continuing what she was going to say. "Listen Y/N, if this is going to help you need to work with me. I can only help you so much, the real work comes from your side."

"I do really want your help, I really do! I just don't know how."

"Okay, then let's start from the beginning, tell me about how you met."

. . .

April, 2022

"I don't know what you're getting so worked over Y/N."

"This is a big deal for me Abby! What if it goes really bad and I end up blowing it up?" I sigh before setting my coffee down.

"It won't blow up, trust me" Abby said with a reassuring nod.

"And..." She continued, "If you happened to meet a super hot lesbian footballer, give her my number!" She winked at me.

"Abigail, I won't do that!"

"Not even for Lucy Bronze?" She asked me with a pleading look.

"Not even for Lucy Bronze."

I checked my clock and saw that the training started soon.

"I have to go! Can't risk getting late for my first day." I said excitingly.

"Take some hot pics of Bronzy for me! And don't forget to send them to me, for you know a second opinion."

. . .

Present

"Did you ever feel safe talking to Abby about your feelings?" My therapist asked me.

"Abby is my best friend, and I do love her with all my heart, but I never felt comfortable talking about her about those feelings." I said with an emphasis on those.

"Can you try to explain why to me?"

"I never really understood why, I still don't, but I would guess it was because of how open she was about it and I wasn't."

"Did you ever think about coming out to her?"

I took a deep breath and started getting ready to answer the question. I could feel my hands shaking and heart beating faster.

"I guess at one point I wanted to, but I would always get reminded of what happened with my mother." I took another deep breath before continuing, "I wanted to tell her about me and Leah so badly, I really did, but I just couldn't. It wasn't even like I was trying to suppress my feelings for Leah to myself, it was just to others I did that."

. . .

April, 2022

"I am so sorry about the camera, I really didn't mean for it to happen. I can pay you for the cost!" She said in a panic.

"Don't worry, it's not me you should be worrying about because this isn't my personal camera. I got it from the media team." I told her.

"Still, I am sorry!" She looked at me. God, she has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

"It's okay, really." I reassured her, again.

"This is a really bad way of introducing myself." She laughed. "I'm Leah" She struck out her hand for me to shake. I took her hand and answered.

"I'm Y/N."

. . .

Present

"Leah would try to tell me that it was okay, but I never listened to her. I should've and we would've maybe still been together."

"Did you ever feel like Leah was pushing you?" My therapist looked me deep in the eyes.

"She never meant for-" I started before she interrupted me.

"Y/N, did you ever feel like Leah tried to force you to come out? It's a yes or no question and the only one that know that answer to that is you! I am not interested in what she meant or didn't mean, this is not about her it's about you!" She looked at me with a sharp glance.

"Yes, yes it did feel like that to times. It was the reason for most of our fights. She would ask me to stop hiding her and I would tell her that I never meant for that, I just wasn't ready." I sighed. "I understand how she would feel like that though. I wouldn't want that either, but it just didn't feel like she understood where it came from."

. . .

January, 2023

"I just don't understand Y/N! Why can't you just tell Abby at least? She would understand!" She yelled.

"I get that she would understand, Leah! But that isn't the point! I'm just not ready." I tried to explain.

"What are you waiting for Y/N? There's nothing stoping you from telling her, what's the big deal?" She said.

"What's the big deal? Leah, how coming out not a big deal?" I yelled at her, at this point I was furios.

"You've already come out to your mum, why can't you just come out to Abby?" She questioned.

"And how did that go Leah? She hasn't talked to me since!" I felt the tears in my eyes at this point. How could she not understand. "I thought that you of all people would understand Leah, but I guess you're just like everyone else."

"I tried not to be! But you never gave me any other choices. I want to be with someone who will drive the whole night just to be with me, but you can't even tell people about our love. Y/N, I'm not your waiting room, I can't be."

. . .

Present

"That's the last I've heard from her." At this point I was sobbing. "I tried texting her and calling her but she blocked me. She doesn't want anything to do with me." I tried to calm down, but it didn't help. "After this, I told Abby. I had to tell her. If I just told her sooner, maybe I still would've had Leah. But it's too late now."

. . .

The end.

[personasintro]

Hi Mimi. Can I ask you for advice.

I have a friend who is mad at me because I’m not calling her back 24/7, and because I can’t hang out all the time and have to cancel due to the fact that I work and they sometimes, even if I have plans, call me in.

I couldn’t attend her boyfriend’s surprise birthday dinner, who she’ve only been dating for like 4 months and I’ve only met twice, because they wanted to go out late at night and I was working the day before, during, and the day after. However that particular day I got to finish my shift early because it was raining so my boss told me to just go home. On my way home another friend called me, who I haven’t seen in four month because we live 1h and 45min away from each other. My birthday is in two weeks but she’s going on vacation soon, she asked if we could meet up in the city and have dinner, this is like 4-5pm, because she wanted to celebrate me by buying me dinner. I said okey. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. We meet up, have dinner, order some drinks, and I post a video of us. The other friend, not even 5 minutes later, sends me a loooong message about what a bad friend I am without even knowing anything. I didn’t answer her right away and decided to wait until I was home. I got home at like 8:30, and the dinner was around 9-10isch so even if I didn’t go out with my friend I couldn’t go and celebrate her boyfriend because I needed to sleep.

She really went off on me, said a lot of things, and made me feel so shitty for nothing. So I wrote back and told her, we’re not kids, I didn’t do anything wrong, I explained briefly why I went out with my friend, and I also told her it’s my life and nobody can get mad at me for my choices, even if I was free that day it still shouldn’t be a problem because I don’t have an obligation to anybody. I also told her that I think it’s wrong that she decided to message me when she saw I was out, she could have waited and brought it up the next day instead of basically trying to ruin my night. I also texted her “don’t worry about this now, go and have fun, enjoy, let’s talk face 2 face when we get the chance” She then texted me back saying “I am celebrating his birthday all weekend, we can talk another day, I don’t have time to deal with this now”. I wrote back “sure”. My first thought, before I calmed myself down, was “so you have time to ruin my night, and start this whole thing, but you don’t have time to finish it?”.

Am I the asshole? Hahaha this sounds like a reddit post, I wanted to write it there but I don’t want to take a risk of her seeing it. Your account, your stories and you are also my comfort zone. I just feel safe here, which is why I am sorry for the rant and headache you have now. I just don’t like to talk about other people with other people, which is why I’m not asking for advice from my friends. But at the same time I’m desperate because I feel like I have done everything for her but just because I have work and have to prioritize myself I’m suddenly a bad friend for not attending her bfs dinner who I’ve only met twice. I mean it’s not like I missed her wedding day. It’s not like I was talking shit about her or told everyone her secrets for her to call me awful names and paint me as the bad guy. It’s not like the plan hanged on me, and I said no, and everybody stayed home but then I went out anyways. They still went out and had fun, so why should it be a problem if I was there or not.

I just want to add that this friendship is solely about me being there for her, I’m basically her therapist. I’ve never ever had demands on her or how she should treat me. I’m so drama free like this is my only drama in life atm in the past 6 years. I’m so easy going. You know that last year on my birthday she didn’t wish me a happy bday, and last year I asked her 6 times if she wanted to go on a vacation and she said no, but then she posts on snap that she’s going on a “random trip” with a girl she met 6 month ago at a gym who she doesn’t even talk to anymore because she feels that the girl was to clingy. I didn’t say anything because I thought it’s okey I’m not gonna ruin her day, vacation or whatever for something so silly, it’s HER life. I’m always there for her, even if I’m busy I always try to show her that she is not neglected by maybe sending her a song, or meme, or even going as far as telling her that I’m gonna be busy and that she can call me if it’s an emergency otherwise I won’t be so active. I always have her back, she calls me 4 in the morning and I pick up without blinking twice. My parents treat her as a second daughter, I’m always there for her as much as I can, and I just have to add that last month, I didn’t sleep for 36h and had a 10h shift the day after, but I still went out with her because she needed a friend due to having a bad day. I neglected my mental health for her. And our convos are 90% about her, 7% about random stuff, and 3% about me, and I STILL DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT because idgaf. Im honestly so unbothered I really don’t care, but right now I care because I feel that the text she sent me, and the way she wanted to paint me, and the words she used even though I’ve never ever had anything negative about her coming out of my mouth…I just feel like this is so unfair and I don’t know what to do. Should I end the friendship? Or maybe talk to her and try to make her understand? Im just so lost and this is honestly so sad because we’ve been friend for 12 years if not more. I don’t want it to end over something so silly…

Much love💜

Again I’m sorry for ranting, if you have advice I want to thank you for them. And I also want to thank you before hand for taking the time to read this. I admire u and ur stories!

I just have to add: she’s not a bad person, her good qualities overshadows the bad ones, which is why we’re still friends.

This message was sent a while back and I am sorry for responding only now. Maybe you were able to figure it out on your own or things happened after this. But all I can recommend for you to do is to talk to your friend, if you haven’t already. If I were you, I’d try to communicate and make her see where I am coming from as well and then… there’s nothing much you can do from there. You’ll see how she takes it and whether she’s able to see your side or not. Regardless of everything, she shouldn’t take you for granted and cut you some slack.

Like you said, you don’t want your friendship to end over something silly but maybe it’s not something silly at all. In the end, you don’t want friends who makes you feel guilty and take you for granted all the time. Just the fact your entire friendship seems to be focusing on her rather than on both of you says a lot. You shouldn’t be treated that way and you do deserve someone who equally cares about you as a person :)

[absurdthirst]

I need advice. You’ve always steered my right before ♥️

I’m so conflicted. Apologies for the essay but i genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, for context, my brother and his partner split earlier in the year. He was living with my parents for a few months before they split because they were having issues. He basically reverted to a teenager. Couldn’t be bothered to see his kids and just wanted to online game all the time. Fast forward to end of Feb, he has a massive blowout with my family and moves back home. It then later transpired that he had been cheating for months prior to all this and his ex kicked him out.

He now lives with my mum (parents are split) and hasn’t spoken to my dad, my husband or I for months (hubby and I didn’t absolutely nothing wrong). He sent a text the day we had our son (after his ex told him to) but that’s it. Radio silence. Taken zero interest in our son. Doesn’t seem to care about any of us.

My husband and I have always been super supportive and have tried to be as present as we can in his kids lives (we do live 2 hours away). His ex has met the baby. Took several trains to come visit and it took her 3 hours but he still, 2 and a half months on, has not bothered to visit (he can also drive). We met his daughter at a month old and his son was a week old.

Now to what I need advise on.

My mum, who I have a strained relationship with as is for many reasons but mainly because we have never been her priority, has been diagnosed with very early breast cancer.

Its completely treatable and hasn’t spread so honestly the best case scenario… but obviously still stressful. One thing to know about my mum, shes a pathological liar and has always used situations to gain sympathy but she has cried wolf so many times it’s hard to believe her when she is telling the truth. She has lied about having cancer once before. She had a benign tumour removed… then changed her story later to say it was cancerous despite telling us initially it wasn’t. I know it is true this time though, only because a close family friend confirmed it.

However, its her birthday in September and she wants us all get together for lunch. As you can imagine I have very mixed feelings about this. As much as i understand she wants her family together, i don’t particularly want to spend an afternoon with my brother. Before this all happened i had told her that we will go but we won’t bring the baby if my brother doesn’t reach out first. She said she’d have a word with him but he still hasn’t.

She’s now trying to use this situation as a way to manipulate me into getting her way but I feel really strongly about him not being introduced to my baby until he demonstrates that he actually cares about him. I grew up feeling very unwanted by my mum and I don’t want that for my child. So I am still set on trying to get someone to take care of him if he still doesn’t reach out.

Am I being unreasonable here? My husband thinks I should just suck it up but I honestly don’t think he gets how hurt I am 😔

Nope. You aren’t required to bring your baby around a potentially toxic situation.

It sounds like your brother has the emotional maturity of a child and he knows he was wrong and refuses to own up to it. He’s too busy living his life how he sees fit.

Given that he’s had no interest in your family, you have no requirement to bring your baby around him. Your mother sounds great. Like my grandmother and I’ve lived less than 40 minutes from her for the past year and I’ve seen her one time. Only for her to lie about me and I’ve not spoken to her since.

You want to protect your child from the heartaches you lived through. There isn’t anything wrong with that.

Although, anon, I do advise you to perhaps speak to a therapist for the feelings from your childhood and for some tactics to set boundaries with your family and deal with their toxicity.

Congratulations on your baby! 💜

[gracegrove]

Apologies for being MIA for a bit. But I kinda got forced into a vacation...

I want to first of all state that I am safe. That I am unharmed.

I do have COVID though, which fucking sucks ass because I'd never had it all until now.

But as some of you may know, the past couple of weeks were dealing me some very stressful and very very bad hands. And on Tuesday last I just reached a threshold where I didn't think I would be able to take much more stress, bad news, or any other combo without actually reaching a point of seriously harming myself. So I asked my mother to drive me to the emergency room.

Maybe I'm naive or too optimistic, but I thought they'd evaluate me and believe that I wasn't at serious risk, get me a quick set of referrals to a good psychiatrist (finally). And that I'd get to go home.

nope.

I got sectioned on a psych hold and was kept at the hospital for 4hrs before being transferred to the "psych emergency dept." (it was nothing more than a glorified hallway full of people in various states of mental health crisis including myself) of another nearby hospital for another 10hrs. Then I was transferred 30mins north to an inpatient facility.

When I got there and the intake nurse slapped the sign-in forms down in front of me, I wanted to read each of them carefully because I know the laws are tricky and that a 3-day hold can easily turn into a mandatory 3-month hold if you're not careful. She said to me "People are waiting outside, you need to make up your mind..." in a rather impolite way and I had barely slept in a day and hadn't eaten or drank anything. So I refused to sign the paperwork. She stuck her nose up at me, pulled out a pink sheet of paper, and made a point of telling me that I was now under "Involuntary" commitment and told me to go back to the locked waiting room.

When I met the next intake worker, his name was Edwin. He asked me calmly why I hadn't signed my papers. So I flatly told him why (leaving out that his coworker was a _ _ _ _ _). He was very kind and told me not to worry, he pulled out the same forms, but unlike her he went through each form and explained what each one was for and what would happen if I did or did not sign it. So I made the conscious choice to sign my papers. I asked him during my processing if this still meant I was "involuntary" and he said "no" because I had signed myself in. I owe Edwin a solid.

The first night was rough. I didn't want to be there. I was still upset. I got lucky though that the next morning I met some good folks. Real funny too. The only downside was that I got COVID on my third day and was put on isolation the whole rest of my stay until discharge. ...I spent way too much time staring at the wall.

I'm out now. At home. Stuck in my own room at least. I'll be meeting with my therapist much more often because of this (sure she's gonna love that). But at least they hooked me up with a new psychiatrist to see on Friday and a new Dr's office to call and schedule with as well.

So that's where I was.....

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Sorry for ruining Ed Gamble for you! Discovering this (awhile back) ruined him for me, too, and I was kind of hoping I was wrong (I'm not a math person...). Not sure why I felt the need to message you (sorry, again!), but after seeing a lot of Ed gushing on here (not from you), and then you were bringing up the podcast from around the right time... Anyhow, I thought I took notes when I first discovered this, apparently didn't, and now am having trouble finding some of the posts...

For anyone reading who'd like context, this ask follows up from this post.

Oh don't apologize, I'd rather know. Also to be honest I think I must have sort of known, as I did see someone bring it up on TV ages ago and they have us some numbers and let us do the math to work it out, and looking it again now I made such a simple subtraction mistake that I'm pretty sure I must have realized in what ballpark this math was going to end up and subconsciously done it wrong on purpose just because I wasn't in the mood to have Ed Gamble ruined for me that afternoon (for the record, when I did the math I thought it meant Ed and his girlfriend would have been 20 and 26 when they met, which I'd consider slightly weird but ethically fine). Though let's say at this point, as a rule, I'd always rather have the people ruined sooner than later. That's my rule for people in real life - I have joked with friends before that we should start saying to people as soon as we meet them "Hey if you'd be willing to fuck a teenager tell me now before we bother becoming friends" - and it's probably a good rule for people I don't know as well.

This ask was followed up by a few more that I won't reply to individually, but they establish an Instagram post that confirms, yep, she was definitely 17 and not 18. And he was definitely 24. Recently turned 24, if that helps. And she was almost 18, if that helps. But she was probably still in the British equivalent of high school at the time, if that makes it worse. Which in my mind it massively does. I've actually had that specific argument before. A close friend I'd known for many years, and was just a few years older than that (27) tried to sleep with a girl on our team who was 17, I was horrified and stopped hanging out with him and told my therapist how upset and betrayed I felt, how I didn't think I could trust myself as a judge of character anymore for having liked a guy like that, was having trouble trusting anyone because apparently even people who seem cool and whom you think you know very well can see teenagers as potential sexual partners, and my therapist told me it's legal and she's almost 18 so I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it. To which I replied she's still in high school, whether she's still in high school or not should be a bigger factor than the specifics of her age, who the fuck can be well out of university and look at a high school kid and think that's a good person to have sex with? This is supposed to be a safe space for high school kids to come learn and grow and get help and not have adults creeping on them. The therapist told me it's still legal because he wasn't legally in a position of power over her so I should stop caring so much, then I went home and felt even more sick and stopped seeing that therapist or any other since then, so it's a good thing I'm absolutely fine and don't need one.

Anyway, as you see from the above paragraph, I am bringing some of my own shit to the way I look at this. Which is very much not your fault for messaging me, or anyone's fault but my own (and, I guess, that guy I used to hang out with). This isn't that situation, I assume Ed Gamble did not meet his future wife in any place that was meant to be a safe space for teenagers. But it is what I'm going to think of if people start splitting hairs around "Well it was technically legal and she was almost 18, vs. yeah but she was still in high school". As far as I'm concerned, from my unfortunately extensive experience (the above situation being one of many you run into if you're in a community of adults who work with teenagers), if you start getting into specifics like that or Googling the age of consent you're already doing something wrong.

To answer your original question, which actually wasn't "Do you have a whole bunch of personal history that will make you get disproportionately upset about adults engaging in perfectly legal activities with consenting teenagers who are over the age of consent so technically it's fine and shouldn't be that big a deal?", it was "Is any mention made in Ed's old radio show that he was dating a teenager at the time?" - no, not that I've heard, though I haven't heard all of it. I said in my other post that I'm into April 2010, I now think it's actually March 2010, it's hard to tell as the episodes didn't come with air dates. But there was a reference in the last episode I heard, episode 37, to Ed having just had his birthday, which is March 10. I thought that would have been before he met his future wife, but according to the Instagram timeline I've been sent, it's actually a few months after he met her. Which does give a creepier context to these clips, one from e36 and one from e37 (warning for a gross and tasteless joke on The Gross and Tasteless Joke Podcast):

See, this is the sort of thing I mean when I say even if I want to go on listening to that podcast without this bothering me, it'll be difficult to find it as funny. The above clip is a really gross and tasteless joke, but I knew I was signing up for that by listening to a podcast dedicated to tasteless jokes, and I can laugh at some pretty crass stuff if I'm pretty sure that everyone involved is genuinely kidding and doesn't think any of that stuff is fine in real life.

If I'd heard those clips a couple of days ago, I'd have found them too gross and tasteless even for me to find particularly funny (I do find most of the podcast funny, that particular joke I wouldn't have), but I'd have thought, yeah, I see where they're coming from. I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer in my teens and had a crush on every single character, then I re-watched it in my mid-20s and found myself Googling the ages of a bunch of actresses to make sure it was still fine to find them attractive, since they were playing high school kids and that felt weird (they were, of course, all in their late 20s or 30s, it was fine). So a few days ago I'd have just taken the above joke as Peacock and Gamble saying, "Hey, we've all be there, sometimes you're not sure and you don't want to risk accidentally creeping on a teenager." Which isn't a horrible thing to say, even though you shouldn't be as crass as they were about saying it while actually addressing the person in question. But now this doesn't even make sense as a joke, if Ed Gamble was saying that shortly after meeting a 17-year-old he thought it was fine to have sex with. How young did the woman on the internet look if Ed thought she might be too young to look at that way, but the 17-year-old is fine?

I specifically said when I started listening to The Gross and Tasteless Joke Podcasts that I won't post bits of them out of context on social media in 2024 and cancel Ed Gamble. But I was joking when I suggested that I'd have the power to cancel Ed Gamble in a blog that's read by four people, so fuck it, all bets are kind of off. Well, some bets are off. It still feels unfair to post horrible 15-year-old podcast clips out of context, so here's some context for it: the whole podcast was based around being very silly and juvenile and exaggeration of gross and childish reactions to things, you shouldn't take anything they said literally. Any fan who interacted with the podcast would have known to expect a reaction like that. The line about the cow was a running joke in that specific podcast episode to try to get that phrase in as much as possible, they were not specifically applying it to that person. All that context would be enough for me to just cringe at that part a bit but think it's otherwise all right in the grand scheme of The Gross and Tasteless Joke Podcast, I'm not going to choose to listen to The Gross and Tasteless Joke Podcast and then complain about a gross and tasteless joke. As long as I'm pretty sure it's actually a joke. Because the premise of the joke doesn't work if one of them would be fine with sleeping with 17-year-olds in real life. What are they even concerned about then?

I've just remembered I've made a post before that said I don't listen to Off Menu due to food podcast aversion, but of the two of them, I'd rather hang out with Ed Gamble and I'd rather have a ticket to James Acaster's stand-up show, and James comes out on top because neither of them want to hang out with me but both would like me to buy tickets to their stand-up shows. That post was meant to be a joke about how James Acaster is a genius comedian who seems like a dick in real life, while I've heard Ed Gamble's latest stand-up show and it sucks (I think I've previously described it in slightly more generous terms as mildly amusing but underwhelming, I'm not feeling as generous now though), but I do greatly enjoy him on (non-food-based) podcasts and panel shows because he comes across as very likeable and fun to listen to when he's just talking unscripted (it helps that I find competitiveness and disproportionate intensity likeable). Somehow, nothing in the ~85-ish episodes I've listened to of The Gross and Tasteless Joke Podcasts (49 episodes of The Ray Peacock Podcast, and now a ways into Peacock and Gamble) has changed that, I find Ed Gamble likeable and fun to listen to even when he's joking about objectively terrible things. As long as I think he's actually joking.

I would like to re-evaluate my previous statement now, and say if I had to hang out with one of them I'd take James Acaster, because being known for yelling at people when you get angry is less bad than sleeping with a teenager. However, I'd like to point out that that sentence is fucking bleak, and maybe everyone in the world is terrible.

Strangely, after all this, I think I am still going to try with this podcast. Mainly because the main driver of it/thing that makes me laugh in it is Ray Peacock, and I don't specifically know of any specific teenagers Ray Peacock has slept with while being an adult, yet. If anyone else knows of any, just give me a few weeks to finish this stupid fucking podcast before you tell me. Also at this point I sort of have the sense of "They're probably all shitty people in real life, so I may as well just listen to the ones I find funniest and try to ignore everything else." We'll see, though. It is possible that I won't be able to get rid of that part of me that listens to Ed Gamble and feels slightly sick now. I think I'll give the Taskmaster podcast NZ recaps a miss, though. Which is a shame as I was looking forward to those, but a lot of the appeal of the Taskmaster podcast depends on Ed Gamble's likeability, and with that being gone as far as I'm concerned, they don't sound like that much fun.

I said recently that I'm completely unable to find Frank Skinner funny anymore after knowing he married a teenager, the crucial difference there is that she was a student where he was a lecturer. That is a case of "it should have been a space space away from people with authority over her creeping on her sexually", that to me is so much worse, and not in the same league as Ed Gamble just meeting someone socially who was a bit too young for him (I don't know how they met, I don't really want to as I already feel like I know too much about Ed Gamble's personal life now, but I assume it wasn't by him being a lecturer at her school). Unlike the Frank Skinner thing, that is something I can probably look past enough to get on with listening to a podcast I otherwise found funny. Probably.

All right, I've dedicated more than enough words to this by now. Too many words. The main point in reply to the original ask was to say don't apologize for ruining Ed Gamble for me, it's not your fault. It's various people's faults - from Ed Gamble's to my own for being particularly sensitive about this issue to all the adult men I've known personally who've creeped on teenage girls and have made me sensitive to the issue - but it's not your fault for sending me a message. To answer your original question, I'll let you know if I'm at any point listening to The Gross and Tasteless Joke Podcast and Ed Gamble turns up and says "Sorry I'm late, I had to pick up my girlfriend from school."

[eddie-rifff]

suicide talk tw

tl;dr at the end

lol. something happened at work on friday that may very well not relate to me or effect me in any way but i am worried im going to lose my job over it. like i want to clear it up asap but im worried asking about it will make me seem insane in case it DOESNT relate to me but if it does i need to know. so yeah all day ive been like hardcore anxiety at a 8/10 with 10 being screaming crying panic wondering what im going to do with my life if i get fired. like if im too stupid to do what i do now, and its the only thing i have experience in, then what the fuck am i supposed to do? proofreading is my only "skill" like seriously i cant do anything else. so if i get fired for the one thing i was supposed to be good at i think thats it for me as in lights out shows over. so i told that to my friend and he was like well how would you do it and i was like ummmmm. idk actually. in the past ive tried to OD on meds and, clearly, that didnt work. we didnt have anything in our house powerful enough then and i dont think we do now but id have to go through my dads stuff to be sure. our guns are like not really capable of killing a human theyre more like varmint guns so that wont do. we have the train tracks but i couldnt do that do my family so. if i get fired im not fucking applying to hundreds of jobs for three years again. i think i might just live in misery forever until i can find a way to kms i guess.

but like i said. i dont even know if what happened friday has anything to do with me. im just so so so so worried that it does. i am so incredibly fortunate to have the job i do, such that any seed of doubt that can be scraped together to suggest that it might be in jeopardy just makes me insane.

like idk it would really probably be for the best that i do die asap for my own good. but ive seen firsthand three times now how absolutely devastating the suicide of a young person is on countless people around them. like the person whose visitation i went to was the sister of a former best friend who i met maybe two times 15 years ago and i have been thinking about her and tearing up regularly since i found out. but idk im not nearly as likable as she was so i wouldnt necessarily have that effect. i kind of fucking suck in fact. i know shelby and my family and my ex would be very hurt but is living out the rest of my life in pain worth it just to spare their feelings? i guess thats the question every suicidal person has to ask.

like i know i am no one's #1. i know my place. but i know my family still loves me in some capacity and imagining them finding me dead and grieving me just hurts so badly. but if i get fired and am faced with what i had to deal with prior to this job idk what else im supposed to do. it really really feels like my only option

i am so fucking sick of trying to get better. i WAS better but then the idea of being fired got put into my head (by myself) and here i am again. i really will be ok as long as i dont get fired. but bro i dont think i can take any more of it if i do. the therapists and the shrinks and the drugs and the "im here if you need to talk"s i just cant fucking take another second of it.

tl;dr

im worried about getting fired because im reading into something that happened at work and now im suicidal again hooray

[adelle-ein]

it's been. quite a week "lace it's tuesday" yes.

it's hard and weird when a relative you don't get along with dies, and you're supporting everyone else in their grief while biting your tongue. it's hard because my siblings don't actually remember her and say things about how much she loved us that aren't based in reality at all. they even called her "grandma" which she never went by. it's not a coincidence that me and my oldest cousin were the two grandchildren who chose not to speak at the funeral (because we were always the barricade standing in front of the younger ones to shield them from her, and he was very much her least favorite to boot.)

she'd been dying for years to be clear. my aunt was speculating and thinks she probably had dementia for an absolute minimum of the last sixteen years, and her physical health has been awful my whole life (she'd been on and off hospice for about five years? they'd put her on and then she'd live too long, they'd take her off, etc.) she just. would not die. like i think we're all really relieved she died, even the family members that really did love her, she just had no quality of life or anything anymore the last couple of years. but yeah hospice called and said she was going to die a week ago and they were actually right this time.

she was mean and horrible long before dementia though. the story my dad told at the funeral just made me think of how awful she was. and some of the other "funny" stories my family shared just horrified me. and it was the smallest funeral i've ever been to, we only just had a minyan. because nobody wanted to come because she had no living friends and drove off a lot of her family. some she outlived, some she just abused. the only person other than her sons' families who came was my great-uncle on my mother's side, who isn't related to and didn't know grandma (they might've met at weddings and b'nai mitzvahs if that?) but lived nearby and decided to come. and while i'm not his biggest fan it was very nice of him (and the only reason we had a minyan and didn't need to grab random funeral home staff. sigh.) we had a rent-a-rabbi bc my aunt and uncle's was booked and he kept trying to come up with like...things to say about her? generic grandma sentiments. that were generally wrong.

my aunt wanted us to divide up a box of grandma's costume jewelry she had (apparently she's had it for years but was too scared to divvy it up until grandma actually died since grandma has yelled at her for gold digging before. Yeah. goes without saying but aunt is not a gold digger in any way) and i'm thinking of the stuff i took as gifts from her, not from grandma, because like. i don't want stuff from grandma. but a lot of it is stuff my aunt made and stuff that's genuinely cute and i'll enjoy having i just have to like. separate it. and i got to see oldest cousin for the first time in years so that was nice. and my uncle's doing the best i've ever seen him for a number of reasons and my aunt seemed to be doing well too (and she and cousin both made me dairy free mandelbrot loaves haha) (and she addressed both me and my brother as graduates which is really sweet bc most family is straight up ignoring my graduation so far)

but you know. things are complicated life is complicated i'm gonna rant to my therapists and bite my tongue in front of family bc it really is the right thing to do

i am exhausted though after the stress of rushing out of state rushing to funeral rushing back planes cars being in florida which is my personal hell, blah blah, Travel Shit and concurrently dealing with some medication-obtaining issues and worrying about my conferral and falling behind on work and just not having time for therapy. sigh

[panicdeleter]

the unfortunate experience of having dissociative identity disorder diagnosed young is that I go to a fucking psych hospital tell them I have DID and they just, don't believe me. I had fucking Fuge. Motherfucking fuge. Nowhere online can I even find a description of what fuge looks like during the process other than "bewildered wandering" and these psychs definitely got the abnormal psych class at the local college that I've been told by someone who took the class "doesn't even mention the disorder" so my *absolutely has had dyskinesia like 6 times because my first doctor gave me 5mg of abilify as a 5 year old and wrecked my brain* having ass bitch got put on antipsychotics and because I was also age regressed out the ass, and totally disconnected from reality and deep in some antichrist demon boyfriend fantasy (I have... interesting power fantasies when totally unable to cope that apparently just, took over? like I *was* the maladaptive daydream) yeah I just, I want to go on, I can't I don't have the energy to pop back three stages of disconnected connected thoughts. This is just, how I think. I had a point but the amnesia kicked in and now I'll have to walk back through the thought process to find the idea and pick it back up with a new thread of self. I feel like I'm mostly fragment and not even alter. It's fucking atrocious in here guys. I am sorry for the incoherency. I'm tired of doctors not knowing what this disorder even is while also contradicting themselves by believing they're capable of distinguishing between "true" and "false" did like anyone would honestly pretend to be like this... like BPD and DID... I've met several people diagnosed BPD and like, low and behold after a while of hanging out and just, talking about myself and them BPD, CPTSD, and DID all feel like a spectrum of the same fucking thing. It's the same shit. I have at least one friend who's a diagnosed autistic narcisist and she's *also* dealing with the same underlying shit. Like it's all fucking trauma. I'm fucking pissed about how little information there is about DID vs Schizophrenia and how people don't have enough training to recognize did.... which doesn't respond to medications and shouldn't be medicated in the first place... and it takes 5-12 years on average to get diagnosed. That's 5-12 years of intense psychiatric drugs. 5-12 years of being a fucking hostage to a system that isn't educated about you, being passed from psych to psych as they slowly realize they don't know what's wrong with you, from therapist to therapist as they say they *aren't qualified to help*, direct quote from a therapist of mine. I have no idea how to emphasize on top of this how exausting this all is. How much each intake appointment means ripping into your history of trauma and telling them your entire backstory as much as you can. Every bubble sheet filling how much you struggle. Every psych eval... after psych eval after psych eval. I must have had at least 20. I'm tired. This is a major injustice no one gives a shit about. It won't improve, because unlike autism we don't have marketable devices, unlike schizophrenia we don't seem scary or dangerous, unlike chronic illness we can't be scienced in imperical ways, we can't be examined through the lenses of biopsy and genetic testing... what little research is even out there is mostly about detecting "fakers"... when a commonly known symptom of did is dissociating about your dissociation. I want help. I really, truly want help. There just *isn't help*.

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 11

"Asylum"

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: Yes. I simply would not go into a place I knew was horrifically haunted. That's what Shane Madej and Ryan Bergara are for. I also simply would not marry a cop. 8/10

I like that we are getting a continuation of the "finding dad" storyline for the second episode in a row, even if it's causing tension between the boys

(eeeeeeuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhhh. back on my todobros au bullshit. dean is exactly what touya would be like if endeavor had been a different kind of neglectful of his eldest kid. and shoto/sam begging him to look beyond what their dad wants)

Sam trying to lie while also trying to not lie to this therapist is phenomenal. "been on a road trip with my brother. met a lot of...interesting people. did a lot of...interesting things" yes, girl, give him nothing

STOP GOING TO HAUNTED PLACES. GIRL, DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY. YOU WERE PROMISED A MOVIE.

Dean spitting facts "when someone says a place is haunted, don't go in!" Thank you, Dean

$20 says that's not actually Dean on the phone. DO kind of love that the teenage girl is the one who can fire a shotgun and her lameass boyfriend can't #feminism (/j...at the tag. i am actually glad she's the one with the shotgun...for now, at least. i don't trust the writers) also, good for her for saying she's breaking up with him if they make it out alive

Knew it. Wasn't Dean on the phone. Was it Dr Ellicot? Probably.

WELL DAMN. Oh god...I'm really, really emotionally compromised watching them fight like this. Like, that was some REALLY HURTFUL SHIT. Dean giving Sam the pistol and Sam pulling the trigger while aiming at Dean???? Like, yeah, it wasn't loaded, and yeah, Sam was not fully himself at the time, but FUCK, man!

Seeing Dean throw the zippo lighter to salt and burn the bones is reminding me of the post about how many zippo lighters the Winchesters just waste over the course of the series

"Been On My Mind...": (Half way through and the bulk of the extra cast has been a middle aged therapist and a teenage girl...I'm gonna guess no) I was right.

"Dalek"

HERE. WE. GOOOOOOOOO!!! In a complete 180 of how I felt about the last adversaries the Doctor faced, I fucking LOVE the Daleks.

I was really hoping this episode took place just a LITTLE closer to our current time, but to have it set in 2012 is also very good

Man, I remember watching this episode for the first time and not knowing anything about ANYTHING. Like, NOW I recognize the cyberman head for what it is, but at the time? Could have been just some random robot head.

Ugh. This guy is insufferable. Thankfully, I think we just have to deal with him for one episode.

Man...the Dalek reveal happens MUCH earlier than I recalled it. I also think this is the rawest interaction between the Doctor and a Dalek we get in the series (at least as far as I remember). GODDDDDDDD two sworn enemies, mortal (and yet also immortal) enemies, coming to realize or being reminded that they are the last of their kind in the whole universe. The seething hatred between them, and yet...they have this one thing in common that no one else can possibly understand. It's GORGEOUS.

This poor kid...believes and believes and believes, and Rose just knows and won't tell. I mean, she has no reason to tell him, but still.

Why are they just standing there if hey were just told the Dalek could get out so easily?? Just. Run.

...okay but now I'm just curious about what if this episode DID take place closer to this year. The Dalek downloaded the entire internet, and they just asserted that it now knows everything. But like...that was 2005's thoughts on what they believed 2012's internet would be like...if it were closer to now, the Dalek has extensive knowledge of omegaverse and all of homestuck and every qanon conspiracy theory. I WANT TO SEE WHAT PSYCHIC DAMAGE 2023 INTERNET WOULD GIVE A DALEK (i swear i do love them, but it's just...this is so interesting)

"YOU. WOULD. MAKE. A. GOOD. DALEK." is such a banger line. Absolute mic drop of an insult.

Nah, I'm with the Dalek. That guy should die.

Watching the inner, squishy Dalek alien feel the sunlight after being trapped 53 floors below the ground and tortured has me feeling very "but what if I gave it a hug?" post. It's a good thing I grabbed my Dalek plushie before I started the episode. You know, to hug at this moment.

[findingmypeace]

S and K

I think I’ve already written a post about this so I apologize if this is repetitive. I’m writing this out more for more myself than anything. (This is incredibly long. No one has to read it. I just needed a space to say these things)

In all the years I’ve had therapy there is only one other therapist that I got as close to as I have with K and that was S. The end of that therapeutic relationship was quite painful but it was also so much easier than what is happening with K. I’ve talked about S enough that I probably don’t need to explain who she is but I will just in case.

Backstory: My first year of college was the Fall of 2001. 3 weeks into that semester I met B. B changed my life and became like a second Mom to me, just like LS. Two years later in the Fall of 2003 B told me that her daughter was moving back to town and she was a therapist. B wanted me to try seeing her. This is when I started seeing S aka B’s daughter. I saw S for many years. She was the first therapist who truly understood me. In the Spring of 2004 I went to residential treatment for the first time. This is while I was seeing S for therapy and this made things even more intense. I also did DBT with S. Not just the worksheets but the full course of DBT that includes between session contact and diary cards. S and I went through quite a lot together. 4 years passed. At the beginning of 2007 S gave me an ultimatum. I needed to be 100% behavior free for 30 days before I would be allowed to schedule another appointment with her. If I couldn’t do that than either I needed to go back to treatment or I needed to find a new therapist. The point was S had tried everything she could think of. There wasn’t much else she could do for me unless I started doing my part. If I couldn’t hold up my part of the bargain then therapy with S was over.

I was devastated. HOWEVER, so much of that situation was different than what I am experiencing with K. First, my relationship with S was different. To put it lightly I would say our relationship was unconventional. S’s Mom was someone who was/is very important to me. I met S because her Mom introduced me to her. I continued to have a relationship with B until she died in April 2020. Because I maintained a relationship with B I was able to maintain my relationship with S-just not through therapy. It still was very hard for me to move on. I continued to send S really long emails every few weeks until 2016/17. At some point I friend requested S on FB and she accepted. While I eventually stopped the incredibly long emails we have continued to maintain contact through FB to this day. I just commented on one of her posts a few days ago. The continued contact helped me move on from a therapy type of relationship. But I do know, as a therapist myself, that kind of continued contact is not always the right thing to do. My situation with S and B was unique.

But the other difference was that I was FULLY aware of S’s expectations. She made it clear that if I skipped a meal, or purged, or self-harmed, or anything like that the deal was off and therapy was over. I needed to find someone else because there was nothing more she could do for me. I knew the consequences of my actions. When S enforced those consequences I did not think she hated me. I didn’t feel rejected. Yes, I was devastated, but I fully understood that I put myself in that situation. S also told me that I was completely allowed to come back to therapy with her...after I had accomplished 30 days 100% behavior free. In fact, in the Fall of 2007 I went to residential for the third time in an effort to get that 30 days behavior free so I could see her again. Obviously that didn’t quite work out and in 2010 I moved back to my home state (school was in a different state) and haven’t been back since.

But the way S handled things (ie: made her expectations clear, allowed emails, made sure I didn’t feel rejected, gave criteria for me to come back, etc) really helped me move on in a way that was healthy. Perhaps part of that was because of the uniqueness of my relationship with her and her Mom but she really did understand that it would be very hard for me and was able to mitigate that the best she could.

I think the bottom line is that S took the time to make sure I understood the situation and deal with the fallout whereas K just dumped this announcement on me and left. I feel abandoned, rejected, hurt, and it triggers ALL the attachment trauma. There is a part of me that wants to yell at K and tell her to fuck off and there is also a part of me that desperately wants to hold onto her and never let go. It was hard and painful when things ended with S but I understood and that allowed me to move on. Right now, letting go of K feels impossible. And that makes me so angry. She should have known better. She’s the one that identified the attachment trauma. She knew that was an issue. And then she became one of the biggest attachment triggers. I keep asking myself why? Why did she leave me? What did I do wrong? Is there something inherently wrong about me that made her hate me? Does she hate me? It doesn’t feel like this is just an insurance issue. She never responded to my last text. She hasn’t checked in on me to see if I found a new therapist. She just left. And never talked to me again. And it really, really hurts. I don’t know what else I can say. This is already so long. I’m not sure where to go from here.

[littlemisssunshineshair]

downplaying trauma

last night, i had an appointment with my therapist and we talked about how what i am going through now with losing all of my friends is also linked to Lucifer and all the gossip that was going on at the time around me. then my therapist told me that for a long time, i was downplaying what happened last year.

whenever she would bring it up or ask more about it, i just didn't want to get into depth about what happened because i don't like to think about it. i thought i processed it, but not completely. also, everyone around me was downplaying it as well. even my "friends." this man was stalking me. i had to call the police. i was too scared to go to the library alone, and i felt like everyone treated it like it wasn't a big deal, except for one of my friends who was actually in the friend group (not really friends with Lucifer). me and my friend came out of her apartment and he was standing in the alley with a trench coat on and when i told my friends they laughed. when i went to the police, they didn't offer me emotional support and they saw me every day. i dealt with this situation completely alone.

i appreciate the friends i had at target, though. they genuinely cared about me and one of them offered to go to the station with me to file the report. i also went to campus police. I tried to get title IX involved, just so i could have something that made me feel safe. i just feel that nobody really knows the hell i went through last year. when i found out the guy i liked basically threw me to the wolves, i was heartbroken. i had anxiety attacks at work. i would break down in the fitting room crying and i couldn't stop crying. i couldn't hold myself together. it was so bad that my work had me take some time off because i was having so many breakdowns.

it's also strange because i didn't know exactly what was going on but i felt like someone or something stabbed me in the heart like energetically. it's like my body and my mind knew that i was betrayed by someone i really cared about. it was like my intuition told on them before i got confirmation from a person that was around those people at the time and basically confirmed that everything i felt was going on, was definitely going on. i can't even describe the pain i felt. it was all-consuming and very painful. i'm just being honest.

it really sucks, too, because i thought this person and i had a special connection. i even thought that he could be the one, which feels so stupid for me to write, because how could my soulmate stand by and let me be treated like that? how could he just throw me to the wolves like that? apart of me is even mad at myself because in the last romantic situation i was in, i thought this other guy was the one when he was actually an asshole. i looked at him through rose-colored glasses and eventually realized that i was just settling. i even was still hung up on him when i met the guy that would end up betraying me and i thought that this time was different because i felt more for him than i had with any other person before. i also just felt very connected to him, and i thought that he would protect me. when we met on set two years ago, i broke a lightbulb or something and one of the crew members yelled at me and then he pulled her aside and had her apologize to me. i felt like he was protective over me even though we barely knew each other and that he was kind to me. i liked that about him and i didn't think that he would end up treating me the way that he did.

i thought what i was feeling was intuition, but i don't know anymore. maybe there's just something wrong with me mentally. what if there was never a connection and it was just me dreaming? what if i'm crazy? sometimes i really worry that i am crazy because my feelings were very strong for him and i felt so connected to him. i just wish i knew what happened. i felt very hated, exploited and dissected like a frog. i was just constantly wracking my brain for something that i did wrong to deserve all of this. i never felt more misunderstood in my life and i feel like they wanted to misunderstand me no matter what i did because it confirmed their bias or preconceived notions about me.

all i want from them is a sincere apology and an explanation of what happened, but i don't think i'll ever get that. i don't think He will ever speak to me again. i want to have some sort of closure or consolation, but i don't think i'll ever get that from any of them. they just move on like nothing happened or pretend like i don't exist. i don't think they even understand how much an apology would mean to me. if any one of them sat me down and sincerely apologized for what happened last year, i feel like it would help me feel so much better about the whole thing. especially if He took the time to talk to me and apologize, i think i would cry. i wouldn't even be mad (unless it was a defensive/shitty apology). i would actually love more than anything to hear that from Him. i feel like i would actually start to heal. sometimes i wish that i didn't care or that i didn't want to hear from Him, but i do. it would mean the world to me. it's hard for me to admit this because i am afraid it will never happen and as much as people expect me to hate them, i don't, which scares me because i feel vulnerable. i have a very soft and forgiving heart, so i am afraid people will take advantage of it because they have in the past. sometimes i feel like anger is the only thing that protects me because when i'm angry, i feel strong, but when i'm soft, i feel vulnerable. i feel like someone is going to take advantage of me. it sucks because i'm naturally a soft person. i have a big heart and i love people, but i feel like i've gotten so hurt in the past. i have been put in multiple scenarios where no one protected me or had my back. i was always left to fend for myself and i am a highly independent person, but i don't want to be strong on my own all the time. i want people-- friends, and relationships that will have my back. i just want a soft place to fall.

[ms-understand]

him/he/me + she/her and what was 2B.

I saw an image of a face. A bald man screaming bloody anger. It reminded me of myself, or more like, my past self. He didn't know how many times he had been touched. He couldn't count how many times he had been hit. He only had a few small scars to remind him that he was there. The little one. The skinny runt. The sissy. The pussy. He didn't understand, but knew it wasn't how it was meant to be. The runt grew. Saw some punk rocker type "skinheads" and adopted some of the look. Started going to places where only the wild ones go. Learned to drink learned to fuck learned to dance, but never learned to fight. Punched someone once. Opened up some skin. Hated the way it felt. Men get a rush from that sort of thing. I got guilt and depression. So, I could hurt somebody the way they hurt me. No thank you.

I did hurt people though. I made myself look mean. I worked hard jobs with my body. I lifted weight when not working. I kept drinking and I yelled when angry. People stayed away. I met men. Older men who would get me drunk. If I liked them, they could do whatever they wanted with me. If I didn't like them, I would see how much I could get out of them before they cared.

Then I met her, and she had a kid, and the kid became my daughter, and she told me she couldn't have kids, but then we did and even the doctor said she couldn't have anymore and that seemed true for 6 years and then we had another. I kept on drinking. I kept on yelling. I got sick of myself and wanted to change while she got sick of me and wanted someone else. She found someone else. That's another story.

This is my story. I found someone else too. I quit drinking with a 12-step program. I got sent home from work because of COVID 19 for a month. I was an essential worker, but I got a month off. In that time, I discovered the girl I was. In my memories. Playing with my sisters and their friends and how playing with the boys in the neighborhood was always a nightmare. I started to realize that I'm definitely not like any man I've ever known. Not even feminine men. I stopped caring about clothes and hair long ago, but I never stopped trying to repress my feelings and behavior. The way I walk, talk, eat, the way think, has all been conditioned. The girl had not been beaten out of me, but pushed way far back, and I learned to keep her there, so people wouldn't act hateful to me, but the real me, at any given opportunity, like being drunk in a comfortable place or all alone quarantined in 2020, would come out, and I would wish I had breast or wish I didn't have my genitals. I learned what gender dysphoria is and started to wonder if that was what's going on. I looked into it, more and more, and I started to figure out that, yes, that's what it is. Then, denial. It had to be something else. I'm autistic and that could be it, somehow, so I look into it and shit. Damn, yes that could be it, because autism and being trans often go together. I said often, not always. So, I start asking for others' opinions and it's suggested I see a gender therapist. I didn't want to do that, but after three years of going back and forth with am I this that or the other thing, and being way more stressed than usual, I am going to see a gender therapist. I felt a sense of relief just signing myself up for that. They gave me a three month wait, period. I can see why. I have one month left. Over the past two months I have gone back and forth and thought about cancelling the appointment. I haven't.

Why the big deal? Why worry? It's internalized transphobia. I pinned something that sort of explains, but maybe not good enough. I know I'm not a feminine man, because I've known a few, and that's not me.

Why not embrace being a trans woman? I want to, but there's that little boy who got slapped in the face for wearing moms make up, when his siters did it, it was cute, but he got a slap. The little boy who was constantly told to stop acting like a girl, even though he didn't understand why, just wanted love. There was even the young man who wanted to be loved and love a man but didn't know how. That wanted to be loved like a woman, not like a gay man. I didn't understand. Every so often a woman would come into one of the bars I'd visit, and she wouldn't be like the guys in drag. She would be a woman. A trans woman, but a woman all the same. I wanted to be that, but I didn't think it was possible. I was and still am big, bald, and to some, intimidating. But when I was around trans women, it was as if I knew that I wanted what she had. Courage. To be me.

What am I getting at? Internalized transphobia. The things I experienced caused me to repress and fear, myself. Does that make sense? The society and system I have always lived in taught me that being big, bald and scary, means being a man and being soft, having nice hair and being pretty, is being a woman. Obviously, this is wrong. Conditioning. Being told a lie over and over until it becomes truth. It's hard to break away from that at any age, but I believe the longer we wait the more difficult it becomes.

[beforethepoison]

2023 go to hell

I think 2023 was one of the most difficult years of my life. Like really. It's been very hard to deal with my mother, she is growing old, she is becoming a stubborn, she is becoming very reactive...Sometimes I feel stuck at home and I can't do things for me. I feel very dependent of her and she is now sometimes delegating some work for me instead of her doing by herself. (Like, answer her messages for her while she is driving), (like not making dinner but expecting me to clean the kitchen).. and this is not the worst thing....

In January of this year, I lost a friend of mine, a the donnaholic fan. She was the coolest girl ever. She passed away very young and I never could imagine she could die so early. Then, my idol Rita Lee has passed away, my idol Kaija Saariaho passed away.

In January a physio therapist very young asked what I was doing and I said I was a writter and she was like "do you carry your books in the bag?" and I said "no" and she was like..."I wanna see it. How you'll sell it if you dont carry with you?" and she spend days saying this. One day I brought to her the book. She took the book and said: Later on you tell me your pix (bank account). And I was like....??????? After a month, she didnt pay me and the service of my physio therapy was becoming poorly done. She changed her schedule and was no longer my therapist...And didnt pay me until I made a complaining in the company.

March: My dog died.

I started a job in a small restaurant with some jerky people. At the time, I didn't know they were jerks. I was supposed to be the attendent. The son of my boss "taught" me to use ONE phone to deliver people menu of the day. And I did my best but in the end of the day, his brother yelled at me indirectly because his brother didn't mention there was a SECOND phone I should look at. (a smartphone with app requests). When I told the boss that he didnt mention, she said..."If there is a phone there, you should look!" But I dont look at other people's phones without permission!

I got fired 2 days later. Received 80 $

Then, I met this influencer and he was very nice and in his social medias he asked for one of my books. I GAVE to him one of my books through mail and with a fast shipping. And after I sent to him, he asked again "where is my book?" and I was like "I Sent it to you" and after that he didnt say anything. I was very disappointed because I was expecting for him to read my book and he didnt even received or said anything. The book is lost.

I started to have weekly constipation intestine pains. Feeling I was gonna die... Until a couple weeks I was still having. I can't eat poorly.

Matthew Perry passed away. One of my biggest crushes and idols. I never cried so hard for a celebrity. For days.

Since november I don't have a cellphone. First, was my Samsung S8....Died after 5 years. And then my small phone of music only. My Samsung Galaxy whatever from 2013. Was my first modern cellphone. It only worked because I put alot of memory on it and alot of mp3 music. (There was no spotify back then). And now I dont have cellphone.... Because I dont have any money to buy a new one. Not even my mother. She has a crazy Xiaomi and doesnt work very well. (when you listen to music, it works one ear only). Today a friend of her gave her a 2013 phone for her to use but its old that I dont know if its going to work.

So, christmas there probably have no presents...And just meeting with family like okay.

PS: Its been a year since my crush moved out to another state. Not only a crush. a Great friend of mine. He has been so sweet to me. And he gave me THE BEST gift I could ever receive from someone. And thats why I feel a good thing about liking him. Because he is nice and he is gentle, generous. I am very lucky to have meet him. Very lucky. Very blessed. I am always afraid he will get tired of me. But I know that I won't be never tired of him. Thats what I am focus right now. Also, he taught me how love can be light and sweet. It just clean all my awful parents references. I am thankful for that too. Honestly, I HATE the fact he is away. And sometimes I'm afraid that I am feeling all these loving by myself. But its ok I guess.

So, no wonder I tried to k'1ll myself a couple times this year. I was always fetching a knive, putting against my belly or throat when I was alone. But some how I always gave up. I always stayed.

[wildweirdly]

A story about taking the bus (long)

Emma lives a couple cities over in a somewhat secluded area, about a 45 minute drive from me. There's a bus that goes there for just $3 and that's where I am now, doing some writing and listening to music while I travel. This will be the second time I've taken it, with this past Sunday being the first.

The trip itself takes about an hour but the seats on this bus are upgraded like a coach so they're a bit more stylish and several magnitudes more comfortable than the regular buses. This one is also air conditioned which is especially welcome since I'm wearing my anxiety vest again. These days I've been on edge and attempting to rely less on weed so I've been wearing it to help curb the physical symptoms.

Emma told me the reason this bus is nicer than the rest is because students use it to get to the college near her. I don't know if that's true or not but I believe it. She'll be going there starting the end of this month to take a couple classes and finnish her degree. This time around she's aiming for a job as a therapist, using her prior medical accreditation as a springboard.

Since we met she's often brought up the subject of school and how she thinks I should go back because I'm "very smart". She doesn't have the same struggles as me so she doesn't seem to understand that there are a few certain barriers I'd have to breach to make something like that possible. On top of that she makes $21-$50 an hour so money isn't an issue for her. I guess that's the difference between working in a grocery store like I do and working in a hospital like she does. Fortunately I haven't had to deal with any customers dying or bleeding or anything so I'd say I'm the luckier one of the two of us.

Last time I visited her, Emma was running on 3 hours of sleep which kicked her anxiety into overdrive. She's one of the types that's afraid of medication so she's not taking anything for it which I could never do myself (I struggle badly even with my meds!) Since then she's managed to sleep properly but her mind has been in Panic Mode and doesn't seem to want to ease out of it. I know I can't fix things but I'm hoping my presence today might help calm her a little. At the very least I know I can be a good cuddle partner, and sometimes that makes all the difference.

This will be the third time I've spent the night with her, and every time it happens is always so interesting to me. When we first started seeing each other she spoke about taking things slow and cautious and how she wanted to start off as "friends with benefits". Similarly she said she didn't know if she would classify what we were doing as "dating", and that she needed to know me better before we got physical. We ended up getting physical that same day, and two days later I was asleep in her bed.

Emma and I are both trans, but I'm the first trans man she's ever been with. Up to this point she's mainly ever been with cis guys, and some of the marks it's left on her are telling. She told me about being grabbed unprompted and was curious why I asked before putting my hands on her. In a way it made her nervous I wasn't interested so I had to explain that until I become more familiar with her boundaries I'm not going to like, randomly grab her ass while we're talking or anything like that. On top of this she's used to men pulling the ol "cum and go" and she said she hadn't had anyone who wanted more out of her than just sex in a long time. She's also not used to men showering before seeing her which I can't even begin to imagine putting up with. Maybe I've just been lucky with the people I've been with, I dunno! I would absolutely hit the breaks if someone smelled bad like that, yanno? Like it's one thing to be a little sweaty or whatever but it's an entirely different story if someone had an active smell. Just really not something I could handle!

Overall I think whatever we have going on is going to bring positive change for both of us. So far it's afforded me travel, much needed company, and physical affection. We've been to a concert, out to dinner, and we're traveling to the Thousand Islands area tomorrow for a hike and picnic (weather permitting). She's also mentioned needed affection and attention so we both are able to fill that void quite nicely. I hope to end up in an Official Relationship with her eventually but for now it's good to know she enjoys my lace in her life

[simplicity2222]

Feeling sad from feelings I thought I dealt with

Feeling insecure 😕

Kim my estranged husband ( not sure what to call him ) texted me .

I had sent him a picture of what Kelly and Joshua gave me for Mothers Day .

His text - Nice picture for your Mother's Day

My response - Thank you . Its nice of you say that . It still hurts how you always said that I was never a real Mom . sigh. Its very good of you to say that .

Recently , I ended a friendship with someone that I was close with. I was at lunch with her and her friend and they kept talking about politics and peoples nationality . ( You know how I despise that )

Well as much as I tried to change the subject , express I don't talk about politics. They carried on , I was appalled as I my friend was slandering people on their nationality . I was starting to get up so I could go use the bathroom , because I did try to eat a little and my tummy was yelling at me. Thats when she said " Neither of you would understand because your not a Mother ". I thats when my tonque started bleeding from biting it . I said. Shame on you , how dare you judge me or her . "Your telling , the one that has had 5 miscarriages , and a devoted foster Mom to dozens of children in and out of the system that I wouldn't understand because I am not a Mother ? Shame on you .!!! ".

I went the bathroom . I decided I needed to leave , the topic was toxic and I didn't want to deal with their bigotry.

Back at the table , it was a rush of aggressive energy , I just said I need to leave I am not feeling well . I didn't want to deal with them . As I was walking out , I asked to pay my Bill and charge my phone so I could call an uber .

I feel so strong about it , that I blocked her on social media and her phone number .

On. Another note , i got a call from Kathleen, John Aldens oldest daughter , she trying to settle her Dads estate and said Jill and I were named . I don't admire her journey , long story short she said something to me that kinda shock up my world . She said when she met my Mom she told her" I have a daughter Jeannie that's lives down here. I just don't like her . ". My heart dropped - I handled the whole conversation professional .

Honestly , it been tearing me up . You and I know her back and forth thinking I am my Dad at times . How all I ever wanted was a relationship with her .

I have been crying all morning. I thought I had seriously dealt with this issue .

Journal writing

I need to get out of bed , Its almost 2

laying here crying is not helping me . Its only giving haters the power.

I am sure this is confusing to my new therapist , the more I try to explain the more I will confuse her .

Adding to my goals

1 Go back to place you released your Mom let go so your life will be simple . They are all dead anyways

2. Accept I am not and will never be a real Mom. Just a flavor of the week for some