#i mean yeah im depressed and busy but i have some free time i just dont want to spend it on lu the comic

[trixstriforce]

i may be a hater but i can admit yall ne writting the silliest shit ever for lu and ur so right for that

[luvvixu]

mind over matter pt. 4

synopsis: witness how your marriage was bound to fall apart with you on the front seat and your husband gojo had missed the show—now, he gotta figure out the story on his own.

content: arrange marriage au, angst, husband!gojo, mean!gojo, mention of blood, strong languages, some unsettling scenarios, emotional trauma, read at your own risk

a/n: ok, im such a bad author now huhu, i always broke my promises about updating the new chapter :((( should've just wrote in advance but i'm afraid i don't have that enough free time oqsjjanswjaj anyways, here's the anticipated chapter!! THANK YOU FOR Y'ALL PATIENCE <3 MWUHEHEHHEEHHE

previous / masterlist / next

the next day comes and you've got yourself some visitors. megumi, yuuji, nobara, maki, and inumaki was in your room and they were all seated around you as you talk.

panda and your two third years were not around at the moment because this is a non-sorcerer hospital and people would freak out to see a big ‘talking’ panda. during your two third years, they were out of town and were on a mission but they still text you to get well and even send you some fresh flowers.

“wait, i still can't believe that he's your husband.” nobara couldn't explain his shock at the revelation. out of all, she didn't think that her goofy teacher was someone's husband.

you chuckled at her reactions as you turned your gaze on megumi, who's still his mouth hanging. “megumi, i thought you're getting a hint?” you tease the boy. although it was true, you actually thought he already had an idea because you've known him for almost his entire life and even once lived with you as a kid.

“no…” was only his answer.

“so, gojo-sensei was the one you're talking about when you said that he was a busy man. most of his job requires being out of town. but he never fails to shower you with love and he is making sure that you two would still communicate despite his busy schedule?” your eyes widened when yuuji literally just said what you had said from before, word-by-word!

“i—i supposed he is.” everyone in the room sweat dropped at your answer.

what do you mean you supposed?!

“y/n-sensei, is it okay if we ask your baby?” maki chooses the gentlest approach because she heard that post-pregnancy can make the mother quite crikey, sensitive, and is prone to depression. but to her relief, you respond to her warmly.

“oh, the baby is being treated since they're premature. i really can't wait to meet them once i get better. but right now, shoko was the only one who had seen my baby.” you smiled softly at the thought of your baby.

“gojo-sensei still hadn't seen the baby?” maki’s eyes went wide.

you nodded. “yeah, he said we should go together so i must heal quickly for that to happen.”

the door suddenly opened and it revealed your husband with food in his hand. you smiled at the packages not because you're hungry, but because you had finally persuaded satoru to go out and leave you even for just a few minutes.

how did you do it? well, you just give him an earful after what he did yesterday night and he's like;

“i don't know how you did it but you should've just gone to the convenience store or the hospital canteen just for an oatmeal and eggs. and look, i'm not upset over the fact that you just had the ‘very easy to get’ food delivered on this doorstep. what concerns me is you seem not to trust me very well to handle myself— well in fact i've been doing it since i was a kid and blah, blah, blah, blah…” it was your turn to yap but a little longer than he did. you even probably bought up some of his minor mistakes like not taking out the trash on random sunday night.

and he was like, “i'm sorry. i won’t do it again ( •̯́ ^ •̯̀)”

“y'all done backstabbing me?” satoru teasingly smiled at you all.

“oh, we're just getting started. so why don't you take a seat and hear us out?” you patted the empty space of your bed beside you.

satoru playfully huffed and gave the foods to his students and let them distribute it themselves. sitting beside you, he gave you the separate plastic with food and helped you feed yourself. the two of you had your moment with you telling satoru to just let you be and stop feeding you like a kid, but satoru was like nuh uh—and it goes on and on.

meanwhile, the students watch you two with surprise in their eyes. they still couldn't digest the fact that you two had managed to hide your marriage for like five years or so. and out of all spouses out there, they couldn't believe their eyes that you married a guy that is a total opposite of you.

“i still cannot really believe that you're married and have a baddie wife.” nobara almost never tears her gaze towards you two.

“yeah, much more is that they look so in love!” yuuji agrees to what nobara said as his words made you two stop bickering instantly.

like a cold water being poured, you two were suddenly experiencing a reality check that this so-called in love was very far from the two of you actually is. coughing slightly to hide his awkwardness and nervousness, he just let himself chuckle. while you? you're an expert at this, you maintain a smiley expression and wordlessly (and also forcefully) agrees to what the boy said.

“oh my, do we?” putting a hand on your cheek, you smiled with your eyes closed. your act looks so legit but satoru has seen this multiple side—he knew this facade was all fake.

maki suddenly puts herself into attention by calling your name. “anyway y/n-sensei, i've noticed you two don't have a ring—” before she could even finish her sentence, you already beat her to it.

“that's because the two of us, mostly him, are constantly fighting curses and both involve using our hands when we use our techniques. it would be risky to wear it and we're scared that we might get it lost or damaged.” you explain meticulously.

you watch the students agree to your explanation, while satoru is looking at you with meaning. you stared back at him too, hoping that he would get your telepathic message.

“alright guys, your y/n-sensei needs to rest now. we'll just see you guys soon or you can all just drop by tomorrow after your training.” satoru called everyone's attention by clapping his hands then started to playfully shoo the students.

you watch them pack their things and wave you a happy goodbye, in which you return their enthusiasm as well. when they all left, you let out a sigh and started to gently lie your body on the bed. satoru, who was done cleaning just now, sit at the end of your bed and carefully massage your legs.

“did you have fun with them?” you just lazily hum at his question and proceed to rest your eyes.

“i…i'm surprised you managed to convince them about our marriage.” satoru continued quietly.

opening one of your eyes and looking at him, you said, “of course, i've been doing it to a lot of people for the past five years.”

that alone made him shut up.

satoru looked down to his hands, which were still busy massaging your legs. you've noticed that his eyes were casted down and his behavior was somewhat familiar to you, he's feeling something that is related to guilt and regret.

clicking your tongue, you're in no mood to deal with his behavior today. so to find a solution to this problem, you just put yourself to sleep and let all of this just go on without a single care.

it has been two days and you're getting better day by day. today was probably the bestest day so far because you're about to finally see your own baby!

“calm down, mama. do you want your stitches to open again?” shoko holds your knees to stop it from shaking anxiously as you were currently sitting just right outside the neonatal intensive care unit (nicu) where your baby was.

you understand that the doctors need to prepare the room first before you all come in, but you wished that they speed it up.

“but sho, i'm finally seeing my baby!” you squeal at your friend who just ruffles your hair and tells you to be patient—in which you definitely can't.

meanwhile, satoru, who was standing beside you while you and shoko were sitting together, has been eyeing you since this whole waiting. he understands that you're excited about seeing the baby because he is too, he is excited. but he couldn't help but to feel a sensation that you would rather share your excitement with others than him.

he knows that he sounds ridiculous and undeserving to say that in the first place after what he did to put you through, but he still couldn't help it and he wouldn't even dare to say it to you.

the door of the nicu just opened and it revealed the doctor who was wearing protective gear to keep bacterias and viruses from entering the room and harm the baby. before he lets you all in, he first instructs you all to change the same gear as him and then proceeds to give you all some explanation in which you actively listen and take notes.

and after that, he finally lets you go inside.

the moment your eyes traveled on a crib, you saw your child laying down there with some breathing apparatus that is connected to their little body. you could feel your eyes swell with hot tears as you inch yourself towards the bundle of joy who's their crib was also protected with glass and only small holes on both sides were there.

satoru and shoko watched you with pure warmth at your sight—it was a nice scene of mother's love. finally, a tear escapes your eyes the moment you get a whole view of your child.

“isn't he pretty?” shoko said beside you, someone who you didn't notice had come near you.

you gasp, “he? m-my baby is a boy?” your cries go even harder, but it was just pure happiness. you couldn't bring yourself to tear your gaze away from your child even though he looks fragile for being premature but you love him dearly.

“can i touch him?” you look at the doctor who assisted you earlier without caring that you might look like a crying mess. you're far more thrilled to be with your child than to be pretty at this moment.

the doctor smiled at you and he agreed. he pointed out the small hole on the side, telling you to stick your hands out to feel your baby. you do what he said with your shaky hands, and when your fingertips touch his warm skin—you feel like you could die from the burst of euphoria.

“my b-baby, my baby is n-now here!” you really can't hold your emotions back as you keep on passing your fingers through your baby's arm until it reaches his closed hands where you slightly and gently open it for him to grab index finger. and when he does, your smile becomes even wider.

“hi baby~ this is me, your mommy. it's so nice to finally see you.” you whispered softly, hoping that despite the glass, he could hear your words.

this is the bestest day of your life. your baby was here and that's all you need.

the scene continues to unfold with you still getting emotional and shoko was just watching you with a smile on her face. while satoru, the father of the child, the husband of the mother, was a little distant but he could still see the baby. he was all quiet and couldn't bring himself to utter a word but he's not speechless.

his eyes behind those glasses were trailed on the child, but most of his gazes were on you. satoru watches you become all smiley—this is probably the happiest smile he had seen on your lips for the past years of your marriage.

and he would absolutely never forgive himself if he breaks it—but he already did.

shoko notices his odd behavior and promptly leaves your side for a while (but you're busy having a baby talk with your baby to notice her leaving) to go talk to him.

“what? you're just gonna stand there and watch y/n?” yup. still the same as before, hostile towards the man. satoru let out a sigh and didn't give her attention. instead, he walked towards y/n and just focused on his family.

“you’re so tiny!” you continue to cooed at your son who keeps on moving slightly which is a good sign that your son is responsive and fighting. you also noticed that satoru was now right beside you and is looking at your son too with adoration tinted in his eyes.

“i don't think i could let myself be away from him anymore.” you said. your cheeks were now hurting from constant smiling but you don't mind.

satoru only looks at you briefly because his attention was now on his son, fully. “hello, it was nice finally meeting you.” his eyes trailed on his own flesh and blood with the most care of all.

on the other hand, you're not dumb to not notice that satoru was acting hesitant towards this scene and you knew what his reason was. you think that satoru thinks that he was undeserving to be here, and you're correct about his assumption.

but as a woman who grew up with an experience of being inside a shattered family, you absolutely would not want that to happen to your own child. and as much as you would also like to satoru be away at least for now because you're still that sensitive about what he had said during those conversations in the clinic and hallway, you respect his role as a father.

you'd give him a chance to prove his worth as a father to your child, but he's far worse to have a chance to prove his worth as a husband to you. if he messes this up real bad and without any proper explanation, this will be all over—satoru would no longer have you and your child as his own family.

“stick your hand on his hole, that way you could feel him.” you guided his hand towards the hole that you had said before and watched his hands turn shakey as he reached for the baby.

once satoru had finally experienced a skin-to-skin touch with his baby, he wanted to cry so badly but he didn't allow himself to, at least not yet. he felt like this was one of the best moments in his existence.

satoru would like to punch himself for questioning the baby for his plans as he seemingly thinks it would affect him. but just when he look and touch his baby, all of his recollection about the mixed emotions he felt when the baby is on the board has suddenly vanished and it was replaced with gratefulness and adoration for both of you.

it was like a full 360 degrees turn was done after the early birth of his first born. plus, he had seen you be ever so happy that you are with him. and deep inside him, satoru deniably hopes that this kid, this child, can at least help him save this marriage that was destined to fail and doomed.

because he now finally realizes that you're slowly wrapping him around your tiny fingers.

your tears had made him be a better person, your recent experience had made him behave. it almost cost you and your baby's wife just for him to realize the importance of your five years of marriage, and he's planning to tell you that soon.

“have you finally decided what name we should give him?” shoko asked you and she didn't fail to see your eyes sparkle at the mention of name.

ah yes, baby names.

that was something that a mother and father should decide together because it comes very crucial because the name that your baby will get is a symbol of you two's relationship. but the thing is, you and your husband hadn't talked about a single thing or just anything related to this matter.

that's probably why you're still embarrassed whenever you think about nanami accidentally seeing you open a website into one of the school's computers about unique baby names with its meaning.

you're four months pregnant at that time and you're spending your free time in a teacher's lounge. you're very invested in your mini research to the point that you didn't notice an old friend peeking at your screen. you actually only notice his presence when you're about to stretch but accidentally bump his torso, and to your surprise, he was there.

and then the rest becomes a story and history. nanami helped you pick baby names for both genders or even unisex until you came out with…

“kazuki. let's name him that.” a soft smile was decorated on your lips as you watched satoru, who's looking at you, plays with the hands of your son.

“kazuki…that's a nice name, y/n.” satoru said happily. however, you can see his disappointment behind those words and you know why. you didn't even invite him to search for your baby's name because why would you?

“does it have any special meaning?” shoko asked you.

you nodded and said, “of course, kazuki means hope of peace—and i really need that.”

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[part 5 will be just there right around the corner — ©luvvixu2024]

[jinkiezzsstuff]

Alastor watching the princess and the frog by Disney ? It’s in lousiana in the 1920s so it would be perfect for him

absolutelyyyyyyy the princess and the frog is one of my fav disney movies from characters to soundtrack, so this one’s a bit longer. also kind of a part two but also not exactly

history ramble below

also i did some light research on new orleans history because if im gonna write alastor i should know. doggy i love me some history and this history is rich, depressing at times but also rich and meanful to know so i thought id share a little. from talking about the free the peoples movement, to the way women got their rights to their hair back that they didn’t have when enslaved only to have a law banning natural hair and hair wraps and so they decorated the wraps and used coloured fabrics effectively rendering the law useless, to the wealthiest black man of the 1870s for being a prospering business owner, the origins of how voodoo and other spiritual practices mingled perfectly with the pre established voodoo and how voodoo was predominantly black women who were highly respected, the first black man to be govoner in the united states in only 1871, a black woman named Rose Nicaud who opened the first coffee stand in 1800 and made enough to escape being ensalved. then there’s lighter topics like some of the jazz history and how it made various black stars like louie armstrong, and also how the language mingled to make the cajun french that’s sadly dying out, to the architecture that flourished through the varying clashes in culture between african, european, native and haitian peoples. if it’s not too upsetting to read i definitely suggest this page to have an insight on some of the quick history on new orleans, i enjoyed learning about the strength that many had during this time.

United teachers of new orleans < page i was reading

Warnings: jealous Al teehee, reader crushes on naveen and dr facilier (don’t mind me just projecting), cuddling, swearing, alastor doesn’t really know emotions good, fluffy banter, just some ushy gushy mushy tushy

Word count: 2k

The movie Bambi didn't even finish playing before the patrons started to filter out of the room heading to bed. First to go was Vaggie carrying a sleeping Charlie, Sir pentious promptly following along telling his fussy egg boys it was long past their bed time. Then it was Niftys turn to disappear, however she never said a goodnight only sped off leaving behind her vacant swishing rocking chair.

Then once Angel and Husk left, you had decided to just call it quits on Bambi, Alastor hadn't moved much or objected to you turning off the movie, only watching the projector as you scrolled through the app.

You stopped on the princess and the frog, grinning toward Alastor he sighed, getting a glimpse of your mischief from the corner of his eye. "Now what's this about darling?" Turning your body towards his fully facing him, you waited for his gaze to finally meet yours, and reluctantly it did. "Allow me to introduce you to one of, if not, thee best disney movies of all time; the princess and the frog," Alastor's finger rose as he took a breath to speak, but before he could say a word you interrupted him.

"Yes I know princess yuck, whatever Al. It takes place in New Orleans, its main focus is actually in the poorer area with the shotgun houses, and throughout the movie Tiana, the princess, travels through the bayou, oh! With Naveen one of the hottest princes, also it takes place in the twenties, oh!-" Before you could continue Alastor gently gripped your cheeks, your lips puckering involuntarily as he did so."What did you just?"

"Takes place in the nineteen twenties?" You asked, voice muffled from Alastors grip on your cheeks. "Before that dear." Your eyebrows raised looking at Alastor not trying to hide your confusion. "Naveen? One of the hottest princes?" Alastor hummed, booping your nose. "Yes dear, that."

"Yeah. duh dude he's one of the few princes that deserve the princess, he changes for Tiana, he's charismatic, funny, but nevermind that back to what i was saying. There's varying New Orleans culture littered through that might make you feel closer to home, all the music is jazz obviously." Opening your mouth readying to rant on about the Voodoo man that you adored, Alastor hushed you with his finger up to your lips.

"My sweet dear, I will watch this silly picture show so long as you stop rambling about it." Alastor wasn't truly done with hearing your rambling, he was enjoying hearing that you were such a fan of something that centred so close to home when it came to him however if he was going to watch it he rather not have it spoiled.

Giddily you clasped your hands together and hit play, your love for the film and excitement to see Alastors reaction may have made you slightly over enthusiastic just a bit. As the movie began you curled your feet up onto the couch, inching yourself closer to Alastor looking up to his face and back to the movie.

When Naveen got introduced on screen you accidentally gripped Alastors arm tightly shaking him. "My mannn~" You squealed happily, letting go of Alastor once you heard the unmistakable rattle come from him, a growl sounding out of his chest. You didn't pay much attention to him though, instead turning back to the projector and backing off Al. However Alastor wasn't too frustrated with the fact you touched him, but because you were being so ushy gushy over some fake man.

He was easily the same if not better than Naveen. Alastor was charismatic, charming, he could sing, play instruments, he didn't quite understand why you were so particularly interested in this Naveen. Hell, even Alastor had a similar outfit back when he was alive, he could've been Naveen when he was alive.

You didn’t notice Alastor having a mini tantrum in his own world, you were too engrossed in the movie. Suddenly you’ve gripped him again, pointing at the screen. "The shadow man, Al this is your kin!" You egged laughing maniacally at your own words.

Alastor’s face however brightened at the display of the voodoo man. "One of my fav songs." You whispered as Dr. Facilier began singing on screen. Cocking his head to the side Alastor looked down to you bouncing along to the song. "This fellow sounds similar to Husk." Alastor mentioned, watching intently at the shadows that crawled around Dr. Faciliers room, much like Alastors own shadows. "Yeah it really does sound like Husk. Strange, anyways, Dr. Voodoos hot too." Alastors static buzzed around the room and you had to hold back a giggle at the frustrated look on his face, despite the smile it was obvious he wasn't too happy.

"What's up Al, not liking the movie?" Static crackled around the two of you as you questioned him a little slyly as you could tell he wasn’t hating the movie. “No dear, it’s pleasant in comparison to some things i’ve grit myself through, however,” He paused watching you ogle at both the Dr and Naveen. “I can’t understand what’s so great about this Naveen you like. He’s a fool,” You scoffed at Alastors distaste for Naveen, you didn’t mean to make him feel frustrated at your adoration for the characters but it was endearing to see.

“What’s not to like about the man?” You state confidently but Alastor simply shrugged while humming indifferently. A beat of silence passed, the ending of the song playing out of the projector. “It’s just that,” Alastor started up again after a moment of silence, turning his body to face you hands folded in his lap politely. “You clearly have the odd reaction towards these gentlemen and I can't see why,” To give him credit he did look genuinely confused, and just as you were going to speak up he interrupted.

“And please do not say it’s because he is funny, charismatic, musically talented or sweet because I happen to hold all those same qualities!” He finished, hands thrown in the air like he said something especially spectacular. You had a soft smile present on your face watching him work through the sentence theatrically. “Well, Al you are, maybe i think the same about you?” Record scratch.

You cackled at his frozen state, patting his arm gently, cooing that you were only kidding, you turned back to the TV and the two of you decided to leave it at that.

Later on in the movie, when Tiana and Naveen are with the alligator going down the bayou singing about being human, you stared over at Alastor, your heart thumping at the sight of him. His arms were resting along the back of the couch, legs splayed out comfortably, posture sunken in, and his eyes lidded with a closed calm smile. His ear twitched and soon his eyes moved from the movie to you, quirking a questionable eyebrow at you.

Feeling slightly embarrassed for eyeing him up you tried to play it off by asking him a question. “Is there bayous in New Orleans, is that real?” You ask kinda dumbly, of course they were, you scolded yourself. Alastor didn’t seem to mind though he smiled widely, a chuckle reverberating out of him. “Why yes dear! Of course, I personally never lived close to the bayou, but it surrounds New Orleans, and I have been. It’s quite beautiful during a sunset but there’s tons of alligators.”

You leaned forward interested, but it seemed he’d stopped to refocus on the screen which you wouldn’t complain about. You not so discreetly leaned into his torso, arm still on the back of the sofa behind you, and thankfully he didn’t move when you leaned your body into him, instantly decompressing into his side.

They got to the scene where the gang is on the boat going through the bayou, the crocodile fitting in and playing jazz, when you turned to look up at Alastor seeing him already looking down at you. “What’s up?” You asked, watching as he scanned your face. “Well dear you’re just reminding me of home tonight, it would’ve been interesting to be able to show you where I lived, where I worked. Y’know when i did radio, most people didn’t know what I looked like so it came as quite a shock to some that I wasn’t what they imagined. Some were cruel, but my mother always taught me to be respectable if not respectful, so I managed to keep my grace.”

You giggle at his explanation watching him move his hand in all different directions, the radio host coming into play just at the mention of his job. “I’m flattered you would’ve wanted to show me your home n stuff, i wish it were possible.”

On the projector in front of you two, was the scene between Naveen and Tiana’s first date, where Naveen was going to propose. “They always get married so fast in these movies, you spend three days as a frog and suddenly it’s eternity!” You exclaimed humorously, Alastor scoffed an array of instrumental sounds electronically sounding out from him. “My dear it was common back in the day to get married quick, none of this lollygagging.”

You rolled your eyes blowing out air. “Would you get married to someone you knew for three days?” Alastor hummed, tapping his finger against his chin in exaggerated thought. “If it were you, perhaps, otherwise i’d attempt to lengthen it just a bit.” He reviled in the sight of you bashfully turning your head away, shy at his broad flirt. “You’d marry me, after only three days?” You questioned in disbelief, he hummed wrapping the arm he once had behind you, around you pulling you into him.

“Well I found you to be quite a treat the first day i met you, and decided i wanted to be around you for many days on. Is that not marriage worthy?” This confession shocked you slightly. You never expected him to say that he preemptively planned your blooming friendship nevermind that he equated that to being worth marriage. The movie played on in the background as you both watched each other’s faces.

“To me, dear,” Alastor started a smug smile stretching across his cheeks replacing the calm smile that stayed for so long. “It seems like you may unconsciously feel something towards me too.” Jaw dropping you stared at him confused. “What?” You scoff but Alastor only looked smugger.

“Come now, New Orleans centred movie? Jazz, cooking, even that dumbo man Naveen speaks french loves jazz music and dancing, oh and of course the ever so obvious voodoo, it’s almost like this movie is me, haha.” He laughed manically, eyes crossing as his body shook. It was quite the egotistical assumption on his part, but he wasn’t wrong.

You put it on for him but it seems for you too, you paid more attention to him half the movie, and you’ve been more interested in knowing real life facts about his home during his time then what story the movie was trying to tell. Maybe he was right, but even so what did him pointing it out accomplish? “Well that’s why i wanted to show you it, it’s got many aspects you’re involved with in it.”

You mentally gave yourself a pat on the back for such a good save, however Alastor was keen and knew you long enough to catch your lies. “Sure dear, sure.” Al gave you a condescending pat on the head and you speedily swatted at him. The movie played on you once more captivated by Alastor’s reactions more than the movie itself, you’ve already watched it enough to know.

Tucked under Alastor’s arm, warm and comfy, you barely caught the sound of Alastor huffing out chuckles, gazing up towards the projection you playfully hit him. “Don’t laugh at his death!” That only made Alastor properly laugh, dropping his head back, neck cracking grossly. “My dear it was a lightning bug in love with a star! He got stepped on that was hilarious!”

Sounds of prerecorded laughter sounded out with his natural laugh, you didn’t actually care that he found it funny, only pretended too as you gave him a disapproving glare. As the movie closed in you felt a weird gloom wash over you, it was nice being alone with him by his side while you two relaxed. You didn’t want it ending, but alas Tiana and Naveen kissed turning them human, with the reveal that with marrying Naveen, she became a princess effectively breaking the curse, and the movie started with the end song.

“Well dear I did enjoy that, the voodoo was pretty boringly unrealistic, but it’s for children. I did enjoy the mentioning of foods, very common dishes even I enjoy, like gumbo. But alas it was still a pathetic little movie about mortal love.” Standing to his feet when he finished speaking, Alastor dusted himself off and snapped his fingers making all around you revert to what it was before movie night.

“Do you not want to be in love?” You ask softly partly hoping he didn’t hear you as by the time you stood from your spot, you regret saying it. “Well I certainly haven’t looked. Why disappointed?” Alastor bent himself backwards to look at you since you stood behind him readying to exit. Looking down into his eyes you felt hazy, maybe a little drunk on desire as you gently caressed his cheek. “Maybe I am,”

“Darling.” Alastor said sternly as he cracked himself upward, he bent down facing you this time and before he could talk you once again interrupted. “Can’t blame me can you?” Alastor seemed momentarily taken aback, gazing around lazily trying to collect his thoughts. “My dear, I'm uncertain with emotions like this as well as expressing them, love is foolish, however… if you were to tell me ‘i love you’ i would say it back.”

It confused you, what Alastor said, you couldn’t tell if he was mocking you and telling you he was going to lie about his emotions to spare you, or if he was egging you on attempting to get you to tell him your true feelings. Regardless you swallowed down any worries for the future instead focusing only on the now, and looked deeply into the soft red glow of his eyes.

“I love you Al,” With a cheeky smile you watched him stutter, the visible shock was clear, and you wondered if he actually expected you to say that. Just as you began to worry you fucked up, he bent down to your height. “I love you too my dear,” And with that he gave you the chastised kiss on the lips, before standing to his full height materialising his microphone. “Got to go dear! Duty calls!” And with that he seemingly disappeared into the shadows, leaving you to waddle tiredly to your room. Little did you know that Alastor whisked himself away to have a minor panic attack in the safety of his radio tower, not believing himself and his broad actions, nor could he believe the pounding in his chest and flutter in his heart.

[hyunnieshannie]

EX | HJ

PREVIOUS ꕀ❀ꕀ SERIES MASTER LIST ꕀ❀ꕀ NEXT

Chapter 5: 9 Leebits in a trench coat.

Pairing: Han Jisung x AFAB. Reader

Word Count: 2108

General Synopsis: Your ex? Shitty. Your family? Worse. Your best friend? Left for a tour in the middle of one of the worst times of your life. How are you meant to deal with planning what should have been your wedding, dealing with your family, and pretending like you're not falling apart all on your own?

General Warnings: Idol!Jisung, mentions of other Idols (P1Harmony/Seventeen), all views on these idols are purely fictional. Idol AU. Mentions of cheating, mentions of smoking and drug use (weed and cigarettes), Mentions of drinking, angst, self esteem issues, depression. Y/N is older than Jisung. (I'm sorry for the jokes that come out of this) (any tags I missed please feel free to let me know! More tags to be added as the story goes on.) A/N: Smaller chapter, it will pick up soon I've had terrible writers block but im FINALLY back with an update for this <3 pls enjoy and let me know your current thoughts on Leah <3

“So he finally talked to you about it?” Keeho laughs as he stares into the camera, “Jheez I honestly thought he was gonna continue torturing himself over it,” 

“Yeah I mean, he was really upset over it dude. I don’t know why he’d feel so upset over it, it wasn’t even his fault,” you sigh. It had been a few days since Jisung had spoken to you about why he had been so distant, but though you had originally thought you’d feel better by him talking to you; you’d managed to make yourself feel worse. You felt bad that he had felt shitty about the situation, it wasn’t his fault any of it happened yet he still felt bad. How were you expected not to feel bad about it? You made your friends worry, and worse he had felt so bad that he hid himself away for a few weeks. 

“Probably because he cares a lot about you, I’d have felt the same if I were in his shoes, plus there's the whole rant he went on with me about it.” 

“Wait what?” 

“Yeah he was going on about I left you to him, and he feels bad he’s not doing enough, he just wants to make you happy and all that shit,” Keeho looks at you confused as he tilts his head to allow the stylist to adjust a few things on him. “I’m glad he talked to you though, honestly he needs to learn to be more open with his feelings, can’t let a pretty girl get him all flustered like that.” Keeho scoffs, “I mean how does the man survive on tour?” you laugh loudly at the remark. 

“Please Kee, flustered?” you giggle, “Stressed is the better word!” 

“No, flustered is the correct one you dimwit. Or did he not tell you about how he-” 

“Kee it’s time to go.” Taeyang appears on the screen waving to you, before turning back to Keeho. He simply nods and turns back to you, 

“We’ll continue this later,” he smiles, 

“Have fun out there!” you smile, 

“Have a fun morning Y/N, I’ll call you when I can!” and with that he was gone, and you were back to working on your track. You had only woken up this early to get a chance to talk to him, and the conversation was nice. You missed your best friends and talking to them was nice. Though most of the time it would be a quick conversation, and interrupted ninety eight percent of the time it was still nice to see them. 

Your morning mainly consisted of finishing up a song you had been working on for months, and finalizing the vocals for the song you had worked on with Changbin. In all it was a busy morning until noon when you’d have to begin getting ready for a meeting with Leah. After a few arguments with your family you had given in to meeting with her to discuss the dress you'd wear as her maid of honor because for some unknown reason she had decided you’d be staying in that role. You didn’t have to plan anything, the planner had that all down, but still it felt more and more as a chore rather than a joyous event. 

ꕀ❀ꕀ

“Y/N. You cannot just leave your sister like this, are you stupid?” 

“Mom, I'm not leaving her? She picked a fight with me in front of my-”

“Your little friends crushed her that day Y/N how could you let that happen? You are her older sister, you are supposed to be there for her!” Your mother scolded you, of course you knew you had to be there for her but no one ever seemed to listen to the concerns you had. No one ever saw the fault Leah had, and always pinned the blame on you because you’re the older one, you’re supposed to be more responsible, and Leah was their perfect little angel who could do absolutely no wrong. 

“Mom-” 

“Y/N you fix this shit with your sister, I’m not going to let you ruin her big day like this. So get your shit together or else” you could picture the face she was making, a mixture of disappointment and anger. That look in her eyes that would tell you that everything was your fault. 

ꕀ❀ꕀ

As you sat in the coffee shop awaiting Leah’s arrival, you spent time texting Changbin who’d been asking about how the song was coming along. You laughed as he joked about how if you kept tweaking the song it would become an entirely new one,

Gym Bro [12:04 pm] Hear me out tho

You [12:04 pm] Listening

Gym Bro [12:05 pm] What if you just post the song? 

You [12:06pm] Are you crazy? It’s not finished? 

Gym Bro [12:06 pm] It’s a good song as is, in your ears it’s never going to be perfect. This is why we have people to review things. If you’re really unsure, let me, Ji, and Chan listen to the full thing and give you some advice on what could be improved. Like I said, if you keep doing it yourself you’ll never think it’s good enough. 

You [12:08 pm] Damn you got deep there ;)

Gym Bro [12:08 pm] Oh my god, why are you like this?

You [12:08 pm] I’m joking! But yeah maybe I’ll let you guys just listen to it, but maybe not Chan. 

Gym Bro [12:09 pm] THE FUCK YOU MEAN NOT CHAN? He’s probably the best one to listen to the track?

You [12:11 pm] You know exactly why.

You sigh as you look at the time, Leah is well over fifteen minutes late for the ‘scheduled’ meeting the two of you made. As much as it did help not seeing her for now, you’d rather just get it fully over with as quick as possible. Your phone buzzed once more, as the sound of the bell jingling rang throughout the cafe. Leah had finally arrived.

“Sister!” she exclaimed as she rushed towards your table, “How have you been my sweet?” your body cringed at the nickname. How could she act so sweet to you after everything? Brushing it off you force a smile to her as she pulls you into a hug. 

“Alright, just working and you?” you give her an award winning smile, that would truly convince anyone in the cafe that the two of you were truly happy to see each other. 

“Stressed, but you know how it is; planning a wedding and such.” Leah smirks at you, “Or I mean, you have heard of the stress.” 

“I’m sure your planner has got it under control.” You sigh as you sit back down in your chair, swirling the spoon in your coffee as a way to distract yourself from the impending sense of doom building up in your stomach. You watch as the black coffee swirls around in the cup as the silence between Leah and yourself becomes thicker, the honey in which you had put in your coffee had fully melted and dissolved long before her arrival and yet you stirred as if it had been freshly placed. A part of you wished you could slip a shot of something into it, because dealing with Leah required a level of intoxication that would help on drowning out her annoying whines and complaints. Bailey’s would be nice, no. Something stronger, whiskey. That would help. You thought to yourself,

“Anyways listen, what I was thinking for the bridesmaids would be something light pink, and for you I’d have you in something darker to stand out more from them. Unless, you want to blend in with them.” Leah began, “You do have a terrible habit of being unnoticeable so, I think something more bold would be best.” you couldn’t tell what kind of statement that was. Rude at best. “Nothing too bold though, I can’t have you taking any sort of attention away from me.” 

“I thought I was unnoticeable,” you scoff as you bring your coffee to your lips, the now cold liquid sliding down with ease as you take a sip. Leah shakes her head, before bringing her binder out of her bag.

“Anyways, I don’t have time to explain every little thing to you; also you never actually answered the Save The Date, so I just marked you down that you’re coming alone seeing as you definitely don’t have the time to find a date, seeing as you’re much too invested in your…song, or apparently still being in love with my fiance to start looking for someone new.” Something about her assumption threw you off, you choked on your coffee as you looked up at her smiling down at you as if she had something against you, “Honestly it really is awkward that you’re still into him. You need to get over it please y/n.” the statement almost had you spitting your coffee back out at her, her look feigning innocence began to cause your blood to boil. Your cheeks heating up as you set your mug back down. 

“I have a date.” you mutter, as she gives you wide eyes. “I’m over him Leah, no need to worry.” 

“Fantastic! And who is this date of yours, I can mark him down now so that I can give the list to my planner.” Leah tilts her head, awaiting an answer. Truthfully you hadn’t thought of who you’d bring as a date, but her statements today lead you to say something you hadn’t fully thought through. 

“My RSVP is in the mail, I’m sure you’ll enjoy the surprise.” it was not. 

“Splendid, I’m excited to see who this mystery man is!” Leah laughs, standing from her seat. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment to alter my dress today.” 

“You chose your dress already?” 

“Yes, and sorry love. But no matter what you say that dress looked too good on me to pass up. So, yeah.” with that Leah throws her purse and tote over her shoulder and begins to leave. “I’ll send you the name of the shop to find your dress! Love ya!” and then she was gone. 

ꕀ❀ꕀ

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” You yell into the pillow as Mini sits at the edge of the bed. Of course you just had to go and let Leah get under your skin and say something stupid. “What do I do? I don’t have a date? And Now she’s expecting me to RSVP within this week because my dumbass said it was already in the mail!” 

“Calm down and breathe dude,” Mini sighs, “Finding a date won’t be all that hard,” 

“Easy for you to say, all you have to do is look at Hyune and he’s following you to the ends of the earth. I on the other hand do not have anyone that would do so. Nor anyone readily available to play boyfriend so that I don’t have to deal with Leah’s stupid fucking behaviour.” You complain, 

“You act like we don’t have eight men ready to help you out at any moment.” Mini laughs, “I’m sure any of them would be glad to ‘play’ boyfriend for a night!” 

“Min your math isn’t mathing.” 

“What do you mean by that?” she gives you a confused look, 

“Hyune is taken so that's minus one, so are Bin, Chan, Lix and Minho. So that’s three left. AND I’m not really willing to put Minnie and Innie through that pain and Ji’s already felt like shit because of Leah so he’s out of the question too-” 

“Well I guess your only option is to bring nine leebits stacked in a trenchcoat, at least then they’d be taller than you.” Mini laughs, as she throws the plush toy at you, 

“That is so oddly specific… how do you know nine is-”

“Listen there are a lot of things you do not want to know, and my skzoo abuse is part of that, anyways there's absolutely no harm in asking them is all I’m saying, and we both know ALL of them would help, it’s just how they are.” you contemplated the idea, sure bringing one of them to the wedding isn’t a terrible idea in itself, but the idea of having any of those boys endure Leah was enough to make your entire body cringe. If Taeyang or Stephen had been around for sure, you’d drag them to it. They already knew how she was; and more specifically how to cope with her constant need for attention.

Tag List

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[evansblues]

Hello. I did a reading on this "marriage" today it was very forth coming. It was pretty long when I 1st typed it up but I'm going to try to keep it as short and simple as I can. Im tired and I have to save energy for some work tomorrow. I just wanna state when I drew the 1st two cards, I wanted to stop, there's really no need to say more then those two cards to me.

6 of Pentacles (rx)

King of Cups (rx)

Star

Knight of Pentacles(rx)

Well with that Six of Pentacles as the first card out in reverse. It's definitely leading to more business than Romance. And the fact that it's reversed leads to it being a bad business. It is also the card of cons being played out. So seeing this card at the top of the reading about a marriage just leads me to know that this is all business real or fake the marriage is not based in love. Because it is followed by that king of cups in reverse. Now I will be happy to see a king of cups in a marriage spread but it's in reverse after the 6th of coins. This is a turbulent card in this position this is repressed emotions, unhappy, Moody, sulky depressed feelings. Yeah just how you wanna feel after getting married. Another This is also the con man card, this card following the six of pentacles, both in Reverse means a con is happening. But who is the Mark? These cards point to something is not as it seems and we shouldn't trust what we are being told and shown. The king of cups reversed is also an un-romantic unloving position for this card. The next card is the Star, Again a card I expect to see in a marriage reading. the star is overall a very positive card of Hope and inspiration but following behind those two cars in reverse that mean a con is happening Im gonna say it not that. In this case we have to look at the Star Card based off of the cards surrounding it just because it's not in Reverse doesn't mean it means it's a hopeful card. there is a disconnect here with the Star card surrounded by the cards it is. this leads me to believe that the star card is a negative card in this reading. there is more likely an energy of being disengaged from what is happening. there is no hope here with this star card in this reading instead the energy is more of a feeling of despondence. Whatever is going on here is not going to bring positive things the star is followed by the knight of Pentacles in reverse again the beginning of this reading is full of Pentacles and this is just leans business with No Love, just business. The knight of Pentacles in Reverse is the card of bad Investments, poor business skills, no long-term plans. and since this was a reading on a marriage if this card shows up just expect these themes  Lack of Commitment, Unfaithful, Lacking Foundation,you know all wonderful things I guess you want to have in a Marriage reading. I think not! this is all BOGUS! in terms of love and happiness.

Next I wanted to know about the current emotional feelings here. I had to ask specifically since it seems not to want to come out at first.

6 of cups (rx)

The Hermit(rx)

8 of cups(rx)

The next card is the six of cups in reverse. This is a card of moving on sweet Freedom. This is a card of letting go and cutting the ties and also being free from any obligation that was holding you back. What a strange card to have in a wedding in marriage reading. I have never known one person who wants to be cut from the ties That Bind when they just got married a month ago. this card is followed by The Hermit card in reverse. The Hermit card is one of the cards that usually pops up for Chris a lot of times so I'm not shocked to see the hermit card in this reading as well. And in it's reverse position The Hermit card is loneliness and isolation. A feeling of withdrawal from society or Social engagements that is not a card you want to see when you have just gotten married or say you're married. what a very confusing thing we have going on here the next card that follows is the 8 of cups in reverse. SO we just going to stay in an unhappy situation huh? Because that what this card means. You are pretending to be happy and putting on a facade that you are. it is a superficial and shallow energy with this one. there is a lack self-esteem and self-worth here therefore people involved will tend to choose things that make you unhappy and you accept as what you're worthy of. This is also the card of fear of commitment another great card to have in a Wedding Marriage spread. we got some winners in here people. Not Surprised not one love card came out. MESS! Emotional Mess

Next I wanted to know possible next step or outcome of this whole thing. I want to note that because this is just possible incoming energy there is always a chance that it will change. It can change in 1 hour from the reading or 1 year after. this is an interpretation/representation of the energy not a law set in stone.

5 of Pentacles

King of Swords(rx)

Ace of wands(rx)

7 of Swords

The Fool(rx)

10 of wands

Oh great the five of Pentacles another Pentacle in this reading that should be just filled with cups upright for Mr. Happiest he's ever been. This is a card of hardship. This is a negative change in circumstances You know that feeling you have no idea what you're doing or how you are going to come out of this. a card of loneliness, you feel like your life is in ruin. Maybe struggling relationships particularly in business. This card will lead you to bad decisions based in Desperation. WOW! this card is also is a card of separation and divorce most likely because you were in a scandalous improper relationship. This card is followed by the King of Swords in reverse. Another card that means depression is stress and mental confusion followed by poor judgment. this is just some beautiful marriage and love cards we got going on here :shakes head:. this is a card of an uncaring energy, oppressive almost. this isn't a card you want when you're asking about being married. it is also the card of The Bachelor but you didn't here that from me. this card is followed by the Ace of Wands in reverse. This is the thumbs down Card. just blocks and delays to what was playing out here. This is a card that you just struggling through no matter what's happening because you already got yourself into it. you're tired and you don't want to do it but you have to do it. The next card is the 7 of swords. The seven the swords is the card of Mind Games and tactics that are being played out this is someone plotting and planning something. I already know this is con what else is coming. This is a sneaky cunning card I guess matches those "con"cards at the top of the reading. something is about to played out if you ask me. Funny thing this is also a card that wants you to try to figure out a way to escape what is holding you back because it is getting in the way of progress. so we'll see what happens. this card was followed by the fool in reverse. The Fool is reckless, careless, quite stupid in this position. But he's got a lot of Hope and Faith that what is in the works or coming doing will turn out just right but they're most likely going to fall on their ass in the process. The last card is the 10 of Wands. This card has come up several times about this situation. It's a card that we are almost in the home stretch. This the card of burdens being hauled to the finale. We are almost done carrying this heavy load you would think the tens that we will get in a marriage spread will be the 10 of cups or the 10 of Pentacles but no we get the 10 of Wands we're carrying a heavy burden and it is time we are at the end. Soon we can let it go. drop that pile of heavy sticks we've had. we have done everything that was Our obligation and did to our commitments. we're burnt out this is no longer been fun so throw the whole thing in the trash. funny I see these last three cars the 7 of Swords, the fool(rx)and the 10 of Wands as kind of positive. As for who, Im not sure and honestly dont care

i wanna make a note of something I noticed during this reading

SO MANY REVERSES. it's Topsy Turvy

those two 6s where really "loud" to me. The 6s in tarot are about stability and security or having the opportunity to find it. These are things that sound great for a marriage reading but for the 6 of Pentacles to start the reading off is very strange. and the 6 of cups is also in reverse, I don't see that strong stability and security here. The "money/business" and the emotion 6 in reverse here suggest that those two areas are facing some sort of conflict. you are pretty much stuck in the situation. maybe there is a want to seek that stability but something is standing in the way or you are just sitting around hoping it will work it's self out.

also I'm sorry this is a novel

Don’t be sorry, that’s an excellent reading. I like how you explained that a good card surrounded by less good cards isn’t actually so good.

Thank you

[angelsofneonandgarbage]

sorey for being a bit. scary on main. i just finished madk vol. 3 which is finally out in english and i was so excited for it but the ending is a near closed-loop cyclical ending which always really bothers me n puts me in a state in nihilistic anxiety/dissociation idk but also. it just makes me wanna feel things again. i wanna stop taking my meds. ive had the upped dose for a week ish now n its bringing back my paranoia which should settle in a week tops but it's bothering me bc it means i cant listen to tma bc that's creepy enough to set it off. sorry i swear my mental health has actually been better these last couple of days im slowly regaining mental functionality to an extent but i keep slipping and falling and i just. don't have the spoons to figure out every problem i have and address them enough to be functional again. like there's the attachment problems w my ex which keep coming back every time i feel like jm getting over them, the chronic exhaustion and general symptoms of pots, my meds fucking with me, general depression but also manic episodes, the fact im way over budget but my mum wants me to get her a 60 quid fountain pen for her birthday/mothers day and im not going to be there to see her around that time anyway sso i have even less of an excuse to cheap out. and ive been committedly lying abt my mental state to my parents to convince them im getting better than i was at xmas even tho im worse bc my mum will come up here and invade my uni life if she realises how bad i am doing

ah yeah i hate when fiction leads to like a major dissociative bit especially bc i love to use media as an escape when im floating out my body and then it goes and makes it worse and sets off a chain reaction of pent up shittiness? the absolute worst fr

not to sound like an overbearing parent but pls take ur meds !!!!! ik it sucks rn getting thru the adjustment phase but think of how things will change once u get used to them! u may not notice a crazy positive change right away but think of the small things. like u can listen to tma again once ur adapted to ur meds!! even if it’s something small that gets u thru daily tasks like that. u could take ur pills in the morning and be like “this is for u martin”

and oh god ex drama we both know that one well. idk if it would help but maybe if every time u have a like thought abt them that makes u feel any way that’s great just text me ur thoughts to try and get them out yk. like how i texted u like “the voices!!” when i was talking abt my ex like the other week pls feel free to do that back if u think it would help

and exhaustion and depression suck man i wish i had some like quippy little tip or smthn for u there but i’m suffering right there with u on those. and maybe just the thought that we’re going thru that together could help? holding ur hand thru the horrors <3

and oh man money problems r the worse omg. ik u said the pen is like 60 quid and mothers day is coming up so idk what ur like personal budget is looking like but me when i’m trying to make bigger purchases is i set aside a few bucks a day like just a few dollars $2 or $3 nothing that seems like a lot just a little snack or drink price but somthing that adds up a decent bit when done for a few days straight and u have like two ish weeks till then right? so u could make a decent dent with that plan

and hey i’m all for lying to parents but i think u shoukd consider the possibility that u may need to ask for help at one point even tho that’s so hard and ur mom will get all up in ur business but maybe it could help. or u could think of ur daily life like ur mom is there or nearby as a way to like watch urself and try to control what ur doing if that makes sense?

[colorbby]

✧ who is your future s/o? first meeting & impressions ✧

………………………………..

✧ PILE 1 ✧

hello pile 1!! hope you’re doing good!! enjoy your reading and feel free to leave some feedback!💌

personality: for your pile im getting BIG BIG go getter energy. this is someone who is very young spirited at heart and fully believes in themselves and their capabilities. they might come off as immature to an untrained eye but they are the definition of ‘golden retriever energy’ with a lot of hidden depth. these people might be constantly on the go as they’re possibly, trying to escape their own thoughts. im getting a mixture of the signs: aries/ gemini. extremely well looked upon within their respective community but at the same time, not necessarily truly known by people. they are confident as f*ck!! so i said aries and gemini earlier but really im sensing a sagittarius. these people have big philosophies and probably only indulge in a “real”/ not so surface level conversation, if they feel like you are on their level intellectually. i know that sounds really cocky but i perceive this person as someone who wants to be able to learn from the people they interact with. they are very passionate people, even in their speech.. so they perceive engaging in such conversations as some form of intimacy. meaning, not granted to just anybody. okay low key, they might have some scorpio placements as well. in general, they’re really self aware and know what sides of themselves to show and which ones to (rightfully so) keep to themselves. they may however be the type of person that is constantly plagued with negative thoughts or very prone to overthinking. matching the assessment of the sign sagittarius (ruled by jupiter) these individuals are constantly looking to grow and be better than they were the day before. they may have also struggled with lower self esteem in the past or in their adolescent years.

first meeting: so.... i feel like this is SO cliché but they might purposefully ignore you/ their attention might be on literally anything else before you randomly catch their attention. i don’t necessarily feel like this has to be a work environment but i feel like when you two first “meet” you will be watching them work on something. and it’s something they’ll be doing with their hands. im also kinda seeing a scenario where someone is helping someone out. so this may be like some volunteer work or you might go to a flea market or something similar and they’re there helping different people set stuff up.. something like that. but they will definitely notice you by the end. i also don’t sense that any words will be spoken between you two, just glances and maybe smiles. so sadly, it won’t be a proper meeting where names etc. get exchanged.  

their first impression of you/ thoughts about you: this is hilarious tbh... i see that you come off almost the same way to them? very disinterested and like you don’t wanna be there LMAO and perhaps you don’t, like fair enough. you might have strong earth specifically capricorn placements/ 10H (=10th house) placements. it’s giving very much, im here for business only no pleasure lmaoo. yeah so that sums it up pretty much, they think you look intimidating or rather, they might just be intimidated. 

possible physical features/vibes: soo i am already sensing that this person may have more of that feminine energy to them. they might be like a libra or pisces rising as well. that droopy/sad eye look, might be something that stands out about them. they could be of average height/ not too much taller than you. they have massive arms though.. so this person might frequent the gym or literally only works out their arms lmao. guaranteed: RBF.. idk just getting pretty face vibes tbh... like you’ll love the way their face looks. 

………………………………..

✧ PILE 2 ✧

hello pile 2!! this was a really fun reading to do so enjoy, feel free to leave me some feedback as well!! 💌 tw// brief mentions of depression

personality: okay so right away.. this person definitely just came out of a huge funk. like im seeing someone was depressed, borderline didn’t wanna be here.. and they somehow kinda made it through and now they’re like so excited? almost like they got a second chance at life. i literally feel like jumping up and down and whilst shuffling, even though im a singer, i couldn’t stop humming and making random noises!! (also they might love music more than the average person.. could feel like their fav artist/music actually saved them.) this person could also be extremely spiritual or as a result of what happened they may have become such. so they definitely practice things like mindfulness etc. so im getting that they’re more on the introverted side.. im hearing the sign cancer, and just generally more of a.. ‘i only hang out with my closest ppl vibes.’ like you know those people whom you only ever see outside WITH their group of friends?? they’re like that. super loyal too. they are extremely hard working people i see. the type of people whom are very humble and don’t go brag about their wins (although they could and def should sometimes.) like they’ll transform their lives, silently working on their stuff for months or even years and by the time people notice they’re like: “yeah.. i did that :)” just very unbothered about things like status and fame etc. they just want the best for the people around them and obviously for themselves. im also getting that they may not look it, but have extremely high standards lol. because they know if the shoe was on the other foot, they would match the other person’s criteria. they’re so cool, idk i like them. also they’re veeery just. hate any type of injustice and will literally start  heavy debates over anything they deem as mistreatment. i could definitely also see this person being a part of the lgbtqia+ community! 

first meeting: so idk whats up with these supposed first meetings... but similarly to pile 1, this is another meeting where there aren’t any proper greetings exchanged. something about it will feel rushed and like a movie. like im seriously sensing something out of a modern rom com or something. like someone getting on a train and kinda “falling for a stranger” and when that person gets off, the other person will rush to get off but won’t make it in time? something like that. and i hate giving out these type of descriptions because... knowing most people who read tarot will start romanticising minor interactions with randoms on the train LMAO (im most ppl).. but i guess it’s prone to happen to one of you, if im channeling it. so whomever you are, im happy for you!! there will definitely be a second meeting that will follow, and this interaction will kinda be the gateway for the proper introduction. “hey didn’t i see you on train 7 on it’s way to *fill in blank* a couple weeks ago? “oh my god.. wait that was you!!” something like that. honestly ugh… im jealous LMAO.

⚠️ this goes without saying, but still, be careful with anyone who approaches you in public and use your discernment/listen to your intuition!⚠️

their first impression/ thoughts about you: the cards speak for themselves lolllll... the lovers card, 9 of pentacles, 10 of pentacles, the devil, strength, 4 of swords and bottom of the deck, the empress... from these cards im getting, perhaps this person was the one who *in the above mentioned scenario* took the initiative but was initially unsure about it. it’s giving their intuition told them to approach you and so even whilst hesitant, they did. they think that you’re beautiful not just physically but just the way you carry yourself, your aura.. all of it speaks to them. i literally see someone just getting lost in someone else, whilst looking at them. low key stalker vibes so beware!! just kidding, but they might have like a pisces venus or something, as it’s giving: love at first sight. but that’s honestly all, i don’t think they have any further or deeper concerns other than: “how do i get to this person??...” and “they’re beautiful”

possible physical features/vibes: okay so don’t shoot the messenger, but either their looks are just average or maybe you’re not supposed to know/seek information on what they look like.. because all i got was that they’re extremely tall and perhaps skinny.. or skinnier than what you’re used to (?) i feel like with this person looks don’t matter idk. take as it resonates friends (:

………………………………..

✧ PILE 3 ✧

hi ppl who chose pile 3!! this was one of my favorite readings to do, so i hope you enjoy it! leave me some feeback if you like!! 💌

personality: for pile 3... okay so not to steal your person or whatever but they’re fine as f*ck. like right away, they have that type of personality or chat/banter, that could make anyone fold. im sensing big scorpio energy possibly matched with some libra. so they can talk the talk. i know this isn’t necessarily their personality but something about them is super sensual and deep... might be a taurus somewhere as well. they’re just fine asf DAMN!!! okay.. i think they really enjoy socializing but... make it “mature” you know?? lol so instead of going clubbing (nothing wrong with clubbing) they prefer to sit in a bar and socialize with people there.. for my Jujutsu Kaisen fans, imagine the character Nanami at a bar. it’s exactly that type of vibe LMAO. they could also enjoy traveling a lot however, they are definitely a homebody. they’re the type to happily cook for themselves or if they see a dish somewhere that looks good to them, they won’t ask what it’s called but rather secretly try to look it up and try to imitate it. they might be someone who enjoy’s having little frivolous secrets.. (big scorpio/ taurus vibes like i said lol)  im definitely sensing bachelor vibes, they might have a typical bachelor pad if they’re a man... super clean home, fine aesthetics etc. they are also definitely sought after by others and people easily see their worth (as fcked up as that sounds) they appear to be someone of quality. i know that wasn’t so much on their personality and more-so their vibe, but the cards and my intuition wouldn’t tell me anything else. “if you’re lucky you’ll find out soon enough” chileeee... i want them! but happy for you! <3

first meeting: okaaay finally something exciting!! no shade to the other piles lol. so im seeing that this meeting will happen at a party!! now if you’re someone who doesn’t go to parties or doesn’t get invited, whatever the case.. this will be a party that you’ll have to attend. could be a work party or something as well... but i am seeing people being really relaxed and enjoying their time so... maybe not lol. so im also getting that you will look extremely beautiful to them.. im hearing “just how i like it” LOL... so you might have put on some kind of perfume or your best shoes etc. but you will look better than you do on your average days. this person will definitely make the first move. im seeing them seeing you from across the room or wherever this is located, and figuring out how exactly to approach you. shocker, they will shower you in really well timed, well mannered compliments. like im literally getting someone being so calculated, in a good way, and knowing exactly when to say something and how to say it. they’re sooo smooth my god! and more importantly, i see you being very comfortable in their presence! like you might initially think “why are they approaching me?” once you see them making their way over.. but once you’re actually around them you’ll feel comfortable to be yourself. which we love to see! they might be exactly what you asked for at some point or vice versa.. i see someone being like.. “what.. no way that worked” talking about some kind of manifestation... they might confess that they’re actually interested in you, or you two might exchange numbers etc. i just see this first meeting ending “successfully”. 

their first impression/ thoughts about you: so in that moment you might honestly look like you’re fighting for your life lol. not literally, but your body language or facial expressions might come off as though you don’t want to be there or aren’t really enjoying the company you’re in, at that moment. so im seeing two scenarios.. you might stick around with that group of people and look uncomfortable until your future s/o approaches you and kinda guides you away from them, or you might leave that group of people, seek your own company and look really good doing it. but initially they might think you don’t want to be there as you might look kinda sad too. i also feel as though this person thinks you fit their perfect ideal, physically? which kinda matches the “just how i like it” part of the reading earlier.. you might also kinda resemble their ex or something.. seems to me that this person knows what they like.

possible physical features/vibes: instantly im getting the word “provider”... so whatever you envision when you hear that word, could possibly help you identify this individual, as to each their own. they like to put effort into their outfits and looks. likes to accessorize. yet they prefer to keep their outfits practical?? so no maximalism fashion trends or anything like that. could also be the case that they’ve never dyed their hair etc. something about them seems simple. “simple but effective” im hearing. i think they like form fitted clothes and they enjoy showing off parts of their body. they’re just sexy y’all idk what to say. oh and they could also be wearing glasses, especially when you first meet them!

✰ let me know if any of this resonates with some feedback through my submission box! ✰

✰ j ✰

[shoyosthighs]

1 Month Challenge

Hinata Shoyo X f!reader (SMUT 🔞)

Sum: A challenge came up by Hinata before he leave for a month of intensive volleyball training 🤭 (timeskip MSBY Hinata)

Warnings: +18 MDI, dirty talk, unprotected sex, oral receiving (both ways), hard edging, dirty talk, daddy shoyo, 69, hard orgasm deny, creampie, basically really filthy smut

Word count: 2504 words

Author’s Note: Its been 8 years since I last written smut HAHA please spare me 😭 Im loving timeskip buff hinata currently and this plot is something similar I saw on p*rn so I decided to write it 🤭

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“Sho! Have you packed all your stuff?” You shouted from the kitchen from you and Hinata’s apartment. Preparing breakfast for him before he leaves for his intensive training in Brazil with the MSBY team in an hour.

“Yes baby” Hinata whispered in your ears from behind while snaking his arms to your waist and pressing you to his chest. “Can you pass me the soy-sauce, I made your favorite” you kiss him on the cheek while preparing his favorite Japanese rice with raw egg and soy-sauce.

“What did I do to deserve you baby” he wipe his fake tear smiling at you while passing you the soy-sauce.

“Baby girl, remember to take care of yourself okay? I will be back in a month. I know your college exams are coming soon but without me reminding you to eat you wouldn’t eat, so please remember to eat okay?” You nodded while pouting, didn’t really want him to leave.

“I will tell Yams to check up on you too” he side-eye you, knowing you will forget to take care of yourself once you indulge yourself into studying. “You’re so nagging haha” you pass him a cup of ice chocolate while ruffling his hair.

“Anyway baby, before I leave let’s come up with a challenge?” he asked while helping you wash the dishes and drying it. He pulled you to the couch and sat down while pulling you onto his lap, straddling him.

“What’s up your sleeve again?” You run your hands cupping his head from behind and play with his fluffy orange hair. “You see, I will be gone for a month and we won’t get to fuck” he said in a teasing voice. Knowing him, your high sex drive boyfriend for 2 years he will be having this dirty thoughts 24/7.

“And yeah what about it?” You rest your cheek on his chest and hug his waist instead. “Don’t touch yourself for a month, and when I come back I will breed you till morning” he smirk at you. “Hey not fair, what about you?” Knowing his horny ass he will probably run to the bathroom to finish himself off, “Both of us, it’s a challenge for both of us”

“I am up for it, but can you?” You tease him back. “You bet” he kiss you on the lips while carrying you into your shared bedroom, breeding you for the last time before he leaves for training.

It was already the 3rd week since Hinata has gone for his intensive training in Brazil, he had been sending you photos of himself shirtless almost everyday, but a prominent outline of his hard dick is seen on this jersey pants in every picture.

my ninja sho❤️: Im sooo horny baby🙁 i wanna ruin you so bad 😘

you: shoyo… HAHAHAHAA just how hard are you 🤣🤣🤣

my ninja sho❤️: Just you wait, 1 more week and you won’t be able to walk after im done with you 🙃

you: 🤭🤭🤭🤭

Truth to be told, you was so close to touching yourself and relieving yourself, but you really wanted to see how long can you hold onto it. You busied yourself with studying, playing the new game you downloaded, eating lunch and having tea time with Yamaguchi in the cafe that you, Hinata, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima like to hang out in your free time. Yachi and Kageyama joined sometime too but Yachi has moved to Osaka for college and Kageyama was busy with travelling because of his volleyball career.

“So how are you coping without Shoyo?” Yamaguchi stop scrolling his phone, looked at you while sipping his frappe. “What do you mean?” You acted blur, you know what Yamaguchi was implying. But you didn’t want to remember anything of Hinata that will get you riled up.

“Oh come on, you two are the second horniest couple I have know. Well Tsukki and (tsukki’s gf name) being the first” he laughed since all of you had been friends since high school years.

“Not saying anything~~~~ don’t ask anymore before I tell your girlfriend you wanna get it” you smiled not hiding the intention of killing. “Jeez ok ok im kidding” he laughed while seeing his girlfriend of 4 years outside the cafe. You and Yamaguchi then meet her outside and walked home for a movie night.

Hinata had just landed into Japan, after getting into the van with the team he texted you to let you know that he will be home in 2 hours. You were eating dinner when your phone pinged, you replied him with a ‘Okie hurry up 😭’ you had missed him, 1 month without hugs from him was quite depressing for you, the house seems quiet without him singing loudly while showering.

You had brought a white crotchless underwear to surprise him, you quickly showered, change into an oversized white t-shirt and slip on the lewd panties. You turned on the tv while watching the 7pm show that you had been chasing since last week.

Time passed by quickly but you were getting sleepy, so you grab your blanket and wrap yourself on the couch snoozing off for a bit, thinking to have a 10 minutes nap before Hinata comes home. But your snooze was interrupted by Hinata’s loud “MY LITTLE BABY!!! YOUR FAVORITE ABS IS HOME!!!”

You jolted awake and rush to jump onto on Hinata, wrapping your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist. Luckily your shirt was long to cover your ass because Hinata’s quick reflex supported them before you could fall. “I miss you so much baby” you whispered lightly while peppering kisses around his neck.

“I miss you so much too” he put you down on the floor and wrap his arms around your waist and kisses your forehead, nose and lips. After the small reunion, Hinata was in the shower and you were on the bed thinking about the steamy night that was about to happen. Just before Hinata went to shower he whispered “Prepare to be ruin by my cock tonight my little slut” this little cheeky tangerine, you thought as you clenched your pussy getting excited.

Hinata’s hands were running up and down your body as soon as he came out of the bathroom naked, “What? Im gonna fuck you anyway, why bother wearing clothes hehe” he chuckled when you glance at him in disbelief. He was kissing you slipping his tongue in to taste you while pulling off your t-shirt, he knew you didn’t wore any bra so he when straight at sucking your nipple while toying the other, his other hand going straight down south, wanting to feel how wet you are outside your panties but was caught by surprise when he touched skin.

“Do you like my surprise?” you said softly to his ear. He glanced up at you, “You are driving me crazy holyshit” he pushed you down onto your shared bed, brought both your legs up and spread your thighs wide to look at his surprise. “You are so fucking wet, you’re literally drenched” he move down collected some of your arousal and show it to you, “Sho, stop it. It’s embarrassing” you cover your face with both hand. Who knew not touching yourself and not cumming for 1 month made you this wet just by kissing your boyfriend.

“If you don’t move your hands away now, you won’t be getting any dick tonight” he said sternly. You were quick to remove your hand and he chuckled at how desperate you are. “You better not hold back your moans if you want to get fucked tonight you little slut” he turned your hip sideways, slip your panties off and slapped your ass, you moaned feeling yourself clenched again. “Do you hear me?” Hinata slapped your ass again when you didn’t answer, “Yes daddy” you whimpered, feeling extremely horny by how Hinata is treating you. Its really been awhile.

Hinata placed you back on your back and spread your legs again, hands holding onto the back of your thighs and diving into your drenched pussy, “Oh fuck daddy it feels so good” you clench your fist onto the bedsheets, back arching. You had been eating pineapple for the past 3weeks in prepare for today, “Why do you taste sweeter than usual baby? Did you had pineapple or what?” He lifted his head up to look at you, man the sight of him wet chin, wet lips full of your juice. You just nodded and clenched your pussy feeling the lost of touch, Hinata look down and the sight of your cunt clenched while juices dripping down made him want to just take you right here right now, but he steadied himself and dive back down to your pussy slipping his tongue into your tight pussy, tasting everything you have to offer.

Not even a minute had pass but you were writhing under Hinata, “Im gonna cum daddy” you whimpered, arching your back and grinding your hips into Hinata’s face desperate for the first orgasm after a month. You almost screamed when Hinata lift his face off your wet aching pussy, “Tonight you are gonna cum on my cock and only my cock” you whimpered a small yes daddy, panicking a little. When Hinata is serious he won’t hesitate to deny you orgasm and you wouldn’t want that.

“Now come and suck daddy off before I fuck your brains out” he lay next to you and you didn’t hesitate to take his already hard cock around your hand slipping the head to your parted lips, Hinata glances sideways to see you still dripping from your pussy, he tapped your ass and you turn back to look at him, lips still on his cock. “Sit on my face” knowing he loves 69 you quickly lift one of your legs and drape it over his head. Shifting your drenched slick infront of his face you move your mouth down to take Hinata’s warm cock into your mouth, “Oh fuck, your mouth feel so good” at this point Hinata wants to see how long he and you could stand denying orgasms before snapping.

You were a hot mess above Hinata, he had denied your orgasm 5 times while you had denied him 3 because you took slower stroke to work him up. Your pussy is literally drenched and sticky, you really couldn’t take it anymore its starting to hurt and you really need to cum, “Daddy please fuck me I need your cock” you turned behind and look at him. “My favorite” he lift himself up and you got on all fours facing the headboard, back arched with your cheeks squish onto the pillow. “Please daddy i am so wet for you, I had been a good girl, I want your cock please”

Hinata thinking he too couldn’t hold it back anymore line up his cock up your pussy lips rubbing up and down to tease you for a bit, he chuckled when you whimpered another please daddy and slip in all the way. You were so tight despite how wet you was prior to the foreplay and its driving Hinata crazy by how warm and wet you felt. “Holyshit baby you are so tight and warm”

You couldn’t think straight, all you could think was if Hinata were to move a few times you will cum soon. He slowly slip out dragging his thick cock veins around your walls and then slamming it back, “Fuck daddy im gonna cum” he continue to slam his cock into your pussy and then pull out completely and look down at your pussy, you were literally sobbing by now you clenched onto nothing and grind your hips wanting Hinata to just fuck your brains out.

You subconsciously slip your finger between your legs to relieve some tension on your pussy but Hinata hold your fingers by your folds, using his hand he guide it and circle it on your hole, you whimpered at how drenched you were, “Look at you wet and horny for me, since you’re being such a good girl daddy won’t hold back anymore okay” He line his rock hard cock back on your pussy and slip in, “I want you to cum hard on my cock okay” he leaned down and you nodded, preparing for his brutal thrust. At his 5th thrust your pussy had clamp down his cock and had you squirting all over your leg, you didn’t had the chance to tell him you were coming, Hinata had to pull out and watch you squirt all over the bedsheet and thinking how fucking hot you were currently.

“Look at you, so desperate to cum that you squirted all over our bed. What a little slut” he was gripping your ass and had continued his fucking your brains out. Your pussy is clenching onto him for the 4th time cumming hard on his dick and he had emptied 3 load of cum into your womb by then, holding you down while shooting his load into you. He weren’t kidding when he say he wanted to breed you.

Your lower half was sore by midnight, Hinata was now lying down with you on top of him grinding and whimpering at how hard he still is, both of your cum making your lower body full of white stains. “Sho- I-I can’t-t im gonna cum again” you grind harder onto his cock while throwing your head back, “Me too baby” he thrust up and hold your hips making you fall to his chest taking in the loud skin slapping and wet squelching sound you both produced, “Shoyo omg please please please harder im so close” he feel your walls clenching hard on him again and you cum hard onto his cock again for the nth time tonight while he shoot his almost nonexistent cum into you again, he really unloaded everything with nothing left. Soft moans filled the room as you lift yourself off his finally limped dick and plopped yourself beside him catching your breath.

“Stay here while i prepare the bath for you okay” you gave him a tired smile and close your eyes for a bit still feeling your body hot from the activity. Hinata came back and gave you a kiss on your sweaty forehead and carried you bridal style to the bathtub filled with warm water with your favorite bath bomb scent.

(EXTRAS)

Hinata was at the MSBY locker room the next afternoon for their short meeting/training regarding an upcoming match. He was shirtless was trying to put on his training jersey when Atsumu gasped, “HOLYSHIT SHOYO WHAT HAPPEN TO YOUR BACK?” All he could do was smile sheepishly and said “My little cat scratch me”

You weren’t spare either, you had to call Yamaguchi telling him you were sick the next morning because of how sore you were and you were literally limping even going to the bathroom. And had to cover the hickeys around your neck before going to school.

(A/N:It’s literally almost 4am here and Im also drenched after writing this fic, I HOPE YOU ENJOY 😭😭😭 reblog and comments welcomed ❤️)

[juyeoniemyhoney]

the simple things

Your country is physically incapable of snowing, much to your dismay. The closest thing you can get to snow is a copious amount of downpours. But as long as Jungkook is your boyfriend, snow in a country cursed with endless summer is not impossible anymore. 

-pairing: Jeon Jungkook x reader 

-genre: fluff, established relationship

-warnings: a few vulgarities, may be a little stupid

-word count: 2103 words 

-A/N: hey guys it’s been a while since i posted. my exams ended like two weeks ago but ive been super inactive. ive just been in this really weird place creatively. but i hope this story makes up for it. i promise im trying to be more regular with posting fics. its only november but im already in a christmas mood! HAHA but anyways, hope you like it and my requests are open! 

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Something that you still have yet to comprehend is why your country still refuses to snow. Living close to the equator is all sorts of disappointing, especially for a hopeless romantic like you. But seriously, living in a country that only knows how to be hot means that most of the knowledge you know about winter romances are from sappy Christmas movies and the books you seem to like more than real people. You have complained about this topic to a multitude of people, as if your excessive, outspoken frustration will miraculously make it snow, and it does not help when these people, mostly your friends, reply back every single time with, “In December, it rains more, at least it’s more cool like that.” 

New friends seem more reasonable than having to hear that sentence again. 

At least Jungkook seems to agree with you. 

Indeed, the only good thing that comes out of your country’s insufferable refusal to just fucking snow is that Jungkook, your sweet, sweet, boyfriend, has always gone out of his way to make rainy days more special than they actually are. 

Jungkook usually doesn’t have time for you. As depressing as that sounds, it is mostly true. He is crazy devoted to his job as a video director and therefore, is mostly out and about, travelling all around the country and the world to film. But on rainy days, provided he is free from his jam-packed schedule, he has made it a habit to stay at home all day and shower you with all of his pent up affection, following you around your shared apartment like a lost puppy and endlessly pressing his lips to your skin, each one as if you are water and Jungkook is a man deprived. 

Today is a little different. 

You do not wake up early much, but it seems that every time you do, you are met with all sorts of unmistakably prejudiced misfortune. Like today, you had awoken early to head to the grocer for groceries that you were running low on. However, on your way home, the clouds had darkened with impending rain, seeming to look swollen, rather than fluffy. You had tried your best to reach home before it started to rain, but of course, you didn’t make it, rain falling from the sky, the downpour gradually getting heavier and you, gradually getting more and more wet, as if the universe was flashing the biggest middle finger to your face. 

You do not expect to see Jungkook waiting for you in the lobby of your apartment complex. 

“Kook?” you ask, a little breathless and drenched from head to toe. Jungkook, still in his pyjamas, stops his anxious pacing and looks up to you with heart-wrenchingly concerned eyes as he approaches you quickly. 

“Why do you always leave the house without an umbrella?” he scolds, though his concern outweighs his anger as he swaps the towel in his hand with the three bags of groceries you are holding. 

“Don’t you have work today?” you ask, unravelling the folded towel and wrapping it around your shoulders as the two of you head towards the elevators. Jungkook’s hair is unruly and tousled, the soft strands sticking up in different areas. His eyes are barely open, as if the purple half-moons under the glittering orbs are forcing them close, desperate for just a few more minutes of sleep. And it seems like he had left the house in a hurry, because his feet are clad in his bedroom slippers. Your heart swells at the sight. 

Jungkook frowns at you as the both of you step into the elevator, saying, “What do you mean? It’s raining today.”

“Yeah, but Kook, you can’t cancel work just because it’s raining. You’re a director,” you tell him with a raise of your eyebrows. He just flashes you a grin before stepping out of the elevator and making his way to your front door, waiting patiently in front of it for you to unlock it with your free hands. 

“Relax, all I have to do today is help with editing and thanks to the amazing invention of the email, I can do it at home.” 

You want to rejoice when you hear that he will be staying at home but you are too busy studying the fluffy white that litters the entrance of your home and seems to form a trail that leads further inside. You distractedly remove your shoes and haphazardly leave them by the door as you approach the substance, quickly bending down to pick it up, only for it to crumble from between your fingers. 

Distractedly, you gesture to Jungkook behind you, flailing your free hand to garner his attention. You start speaking when he lets out a soft hum of acknowledgement. “Kook, what is this?” 

Jungkook doesn’t answer you immediately but instead makes his way further into your apartment with the groceries in one hand and your wet shoes in the other (bless his benevolence), a secret smile turning the corners of his lips up as you trail behind him. 

“What the fuck,” is your reaction when the living room reveals itself. Your tone is not one of disbelief but one of awe because your living room is filled with the fluffy, white foam and there is a now a big Christmas tree right smack in the middle of your living room. The carpet has been rolled up and put away in the corner of the room and the sofa has been pushed flush against the wall opposite the television to make room for the white foam. 

“It’s fake snow,” you hear Jungkook answer from the kitchen, the rustling of plastic muffling his voice as he puts the groceries in their respective places. You see that the dryer is now running, you suppose, with your wet shoes inside it. Your heart warms at his thoughtfulness and as you turn around to look at Jungkook, you notice a big box of Christmas ornaments, ready for the both of you to decorate your new tree with. 

“Jungkook,” you call, flashing a pout in his direction, though he doesn’t see it, too busy putting away the ramen you bought into his precious ramen drawer to spare you a glance. He just hums again, to let you know he is listening, but he doesn’t have to listen because you do not say anything. Instead, you are creeping up behind him and wrapping your arms around his waist, resting your cheek against his warm back. He doesn’t seem to mind the fact that you are still damp from the rain and just continues to pack the drawer with ramen, humming again to let you know that his attention is still on you. You feel the vibration of the hum against your cheek and the feeling warms your insides up like hot chocolate.

“When did you do this?” you ask, changing your position so that instead of your cheek, your chin rests on his back, allowing you to look at him, even though all you can see is the back of his head; the sight still elicits an adoring smile from you. 

“Well, I started after you left and I was going to make some hot chocolate but then it started raining,” he tells you, turning around a little to glance down at you, flashing you a sweet smile that causes your heart to leap in your chest. 

“Why did you do this,” you continue to interrogate him as Jungkook shuts the drawer, turning around in your arms to face you, his own arms coming around your shoulders. You rest your chin on his chest and Jungkook smiles down at you with a smile that could end world wars. 

“I know I’ve been isolating myself in my office recently. And I know how much you love snow. Plus, it’s November and I’m excited for Christmas,” Jungkook explains. He keeps his voice soft, lips stretching into an easy grin as he looks at you, gaze soft and apologetic and sweet, like his eyes are oozing with honey. You feel like your insides are a meadow in spring, flowers in full bloom, green grass, with bees and butterflies, and a warm spring breeze to finish it off. 

You flash him a grateful smile, tiptoeing so that your foreheads meet, noses brushing each other. At first, you both just simply look at each other, gazes loving and soft. “I love you so much,” is what you mutter before your lips finally meet, no hesitation, but instead, sure, with a practiced familiarity. Jungkook’s lips are as you remember, soft yet firm and he kisses you like he always seems to do on rainy days, desperate and taking, as if he is slowly drawing your heart out of your chest, before it finally falls and lands in his hands. And you allow him to take it. 

“I love you so much too,” Jungkook mutters between kisses, decidedly planting a loving peck to your nose, and then your forehead, and then both your cheeks, before finishing it off with a searing kiss to your lips. Your affection for him multiplies by a thousand and the sheer amount of it seems to shove your heart out of your chest; you can feel it in the way it strains against your ribcage with each thud and in the way it pumps hot blood to your cheeks, red, like a warning that it is choosing to jump ship and surrender itself to Jungkook. 

“Let’s go and decorate the Christmas tree,” you suggest to Jungkook, taking tentative steps backwards and in the direction of the living room. You expect Jungkook to let go of you but he holds you close to him and stays planted to the ground, unwavering. You flash him a look of confusion that elicits a small chuckle from him. 

“You have to take a warm bath first, sweetheart. Or you’ll catch a cold,” he explains, pulling you in the direction of the bathroom. He proceeds to draw you a bath, occasionally feeling the temperature of the water, not too hot and not too cold, but warm enough to rid your body of any cold symptoms. When he is satisfied, he is pressing a kiss to your lips and exiting the bathroom, gently closing the door behind him and leaving you in silence that your thoughts invade immediately.

You rid your body of your damp clothes and lower yourself into the tub, the sudden warm water and change of temperature eliciting goosebumps to the surface of your skin and you allow your thoughts to run. 

Now that you think about it, when you had first met Jungkook, he seemed standoffish and closed off, like you’d had to try for a thousand years before you could earn his trust and loyalty. For some reason, to you, Jungkook seemed too caught up with himself to care about other people, too busy to notice the small things. But when you started dating him, he was the exact opposite. Like you said, Jungkook doesn’t always have time for you. Even then, when he was still a student, he was always nose-deep in assignments and projects and his internship. But despite the fact that you don’t spend as much time with him as you’d like, Jungkook has always managed to remember the little things. Like how he know that you love winter and snow, how he knows your exact order from Starbucks and bubble tea, how he knows your favourite movies to watch, and how he always clears time to read anything new you’ve written. You know that there are a multitude of things that sustain your relationship, but you like to think that Jungkook’s unadulterated benevolence and thoughtfulness is one of the main reasons why you love him so much. 

When you emerge from the steamy bathroom, you are smelling more of lavender and vanilla and less of rainwater. Jungkook is getting ready to decorate the Christmas tree, pulling the box so that it is just under the tree and opening it to reveal the distinctive colours that are always associated with Christmas, green, red and white. 

You two immediately begin dressing the tree, and soon enough, the tree is sparkling and twinkling and beautiful. And as Jungkook places the golden star right at the top of the tree, he looks down at you and flashes you a blinding grin that you’re positive can outshine the sun every single time. And you think that even if you wanted winter to be snowy and cold, as long as Jungkook is with you, you’ll always be warm. 

[bansheeoftheforest]

Ok so its 2:30 am and im going feral over syndicate au

After they “officially” (or as official as they can be at least) hire jekyll as their chemist things are somewhat awkward between henry and jacob for a bit. With the other people henry can be professional and friendly towards but jacob was literally the one introducing him to all of this. Via a one-night-stand

Except that attraction between them is obviously there?? Like they (probably) wouldnt have done the wahoo with eachother if it wasnt there, so all theres left is for them to get to know eachother. And they do slowly get to know eachother through meetings, and business exchanges where jacob tries to flirt and henry is flustered but not too flustered to laugh, and then they start talking outside work and then before they know it theyre back to making out except this time theyre SOBER and they decide it means something. And then BOOM, boyfriends

And then jacob thinks hes funny, and the kidnappings start happening

Also i would to know how jacob would react to the big reveal that jekyll = hyde. Personally im a big fan of “oh wow my beloved youre genuinely an insane person :) thats cool tho. Love you lots xoxo”

Hey dude. You know what I was... Is it called daydreaming if I did it to go to sleep? Either way you know what I was imagining over and over and over when trying to go to sleep?

Exactly this.

I can imagine Henry being so incredibly awkward around the other assassins and especially Jacob at first. After all, Jacob was a one-night-stand and all other assassins wanted him dead (he assumes) but he quickly befriends Evie and Greenie because he is as social as a puppy and is just as likable as one. But he keeps a distance from Jacob because he finds the entire situation incredibly uncomfortable and especially after what happened with Robert. He doesn't want to get hurt like that again and even if his heart slowly, slowly is letting go of Robert and willingly opens itself up again, he desperately tries to lock it away and make sure he isn't too close to Jacob. Jacob, who probably is a person to fall head-over-heels with persons he just met and especially if they have even shagged (he literally fell in love with two of his enemies after 1-2 meetings, canonically, one being a gal and one being a lad) is probably quite hurt by Jekyll taking a distance but he still tries. Hence the flirting, hence still trying to get to know Henry.

A few months pass, maybe. Henry gets used to working for the assassins, he spends most of his free time on the train because he can escape both Lodgers and friends alike and just... Relax. Even if he spends most of his time there, and even if he tries to get away from Jacob to not end up more hurt, he just can't. He keeps getting pulled into those handsome eyes and those flirty jokes and he just can't deny that he is feeling something for Jacob, and Jacob notices. Suddenly Greenie and Evie are gone on an emergency mission and Jacob and Henry are alone on the train. Perhaps Jacob would offer Henry some whiskey, perhaps they would just sit around and talk on one of the couches. Perhaps Jacob would slowly inch his way closer and Henry would pretend not to notice. Suddenly Jacob's hand is on his thigh and Henry's breath hitches, his face shots up to meet Jacob's gaze and their noses brush together. They are alone, Jacob takes his chance, and so softly he presses their lips together. Nowhere near as hungrily as their first meeting and nowhere near as possessively as during their shag. It's soft, it's adoring, and Henry can't help but melt into it. He doesn't want to but something in him feels safe with Jacob, much safer than he had ever felt with Robert, much more loved than he had ever felt by Robert, yet he quickly falls back to reality when Jacob's hand moves-- maybe not even up his thigh, maybe he just accidentally nudged it-- and Henry places his hands on Jacob's chest and breaks off. So many thoughts and feelings swirling around in his head, yet all he can feel is how his heart clenches so violently and everything in him is screaming stop, stop, go back, you are ruining it, all while it's also screaming run, run, don't look back, don't let yourself get hurt again.

Henry stands up, Jacob follows as Henry begins to panic so slightly. He is apologizing profusely, he is saying that Jacob please shouldn't take this personally, it's just... He can't handle this right now, he's sorry, Jacob did nothing wrong but Henry just isn't ready for it. Right as Henry is about to leave the train, Jacob stops him. He asks what he did wrong, or what's making Henry panic so. Henry stops, for a moment, takes a deep breath, and tells him that he just... Does not know what Jacob wants from him, and he has been hurt by pretend-relationships enough that he doesn't want to experience that again. Jacob tells him that he actually likes him, he would like to have an actual relationship with him sometime, if that would be something Henry would want and would be comfortable with. Henry pauses, another deep breath, and finally, he just says that... He needs to think about it. Please give him some space, he will give him a letter once he has gotten to think things through, he is sorry for being difficult but it's just... So, so much for him and after what he has been through. It's nothing personal, he assures Jacob, yet both of them just feel so, so hurt as Henry waits for the nearest train station and leaves. It's in the middle of the night, yet he is trudging his way back to the Society alone. Jacob debates following him, just to make sure he gets home safely, but doesn't.

Maybe it takes a few days, maybe some weeks, maybe even months, but soon, when Jacob enters the train after a particularly foul mission, Evie has a letter for him. "Jekyll came by and told me to give it to you", she says. Jacob could not grab it any faster, hastily tells her some weak excuse before excusing himself to his personal train compartment. He sits on his bed, he takes a deep breath, and he opens the wax seal of the letter-- so formal and official, he thinks. He wonders what Jekyll has told him, what news he is about to get. He can't deny that he likes him and that he likes him a lot. More than he liked Pearl. More than he ever liked Maxwell. What he feels for Henry feels good and real and he just feels miserable at the thought that Henry might not feel the same.

He opens the letter; the actual text and paper are just as "official" and formal as the actual wax seal and letter fold.

And then he reads it.

And the first thing Henry does, no surprise, is apologizing, and Jacob feels his blood run cold. But then he continues to read, and Henry is explaining why he was so scared. He has been hurt before, his last boyfriend treated him like a side piece that he just threw away and they had known each other for two years and it has affected Henry a lot. He apologized for being difficult, but he is willing to try out a relationship if Jacob is still up for it, and if he is just willing to take it slow and be patient with Henry.

And Jacob, of course, is willing to be patient. He is willing to wait for Henry because he likes him.

At the end of the letter, Henry asks Jacob to meet him in his office somewhere during the evening; he will keep the window open.

And Jacob does come.

And they get to talk it all out, they get to set some boundaries and actually talk about what they want out of all of this. Obviously ends with Jacob embracing Henry in a way only lovers can, and loads and loads of kisses.

Look, I'm just... So soft for this ship, ok? And now I have an excuse to ramble on about it bc more people actually ship them through this au and I love it.

ALso realized I completely forgot the last part heeh <3

So far, I have imagined the assassin crew (Jacob, Evie, Greenie) needing Henry for something but they see this... This blond gremlin breaking into his office. They immediately think of cornering him and questioning him about why he is breaking into Henry's office, except they enter at exactly the wrong time and manages to catch the transformation as Hyde turns back into Jekyll. They all stare in horror and yet Jacob doesn't hesitate to immediately run forward and cradle Henry; spitting and trying to keep himself from vomiting as all that slime and goop comes out of his mouth and eyes. Henry coughs, he manages to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is the assassins and Jacob's face. He coughs again, he presses out a panicked smile, and the only thing he says is "oh fuck."

Jacob, without even thinking about it, immediately helps Henry to gather himself and clean himself off of the slime, Evie and Greenie are just standing on the sidelines unsure of what to do. Finally, Henry is rested against a cabinet and his breathing is calmer, and he manages to explain everything. Yeah, he was really depressed a few years ago and he thought there were things that were horribly wrong with him so he wanted to get rid of that. Except he accidentally personified all of that "bad" stuff and now that person is Edward Hyde. Jacob would definitely be... Slightly concerned, but would very much be like "oh so you are slightly insane and also halfly schizophrenic? Ahaha is no big deal I still love u darling xoxo"

...Y'all think Jacob would start flirting with Hyde too after that?

Honestly! I very much like all kinds of confessions when it comes to the Jekyll/Hyde reveal, so? Gimme all your thoughts, I crave them all. I just love the angsty routes <3

[silver-tangent]

Suicidal warning signs

A lot of times, when people with severe depression are actually planning suicide, they won’t tell you. While this isn’t a hard-set rule that everyone adheres to; when I actively talk about contemplating suicide in any way, that’s me still seeking help. A lot of the time people who say “I’m going to kill myself.” Are actively calling out for help, and don’t want to go through with it… when someone has decided they’re going to do it, or someone’s depression is getting worse, they might not be as obvious about it. Here is a list of warning signs to look out for, that if you notice, you might want to check on this person and make sure they’re okay:

“I’m just tired.” This one has come up on tumblr recently, but I’d like to elaborate on it more. A lot of times we aren’t lying… it’s not “code” for “Im suicidal.” It’s just the only way we can describe this feeling… sometimes when we say we’re tired, especially when we add amplifier words to it, we don’t mean physically tired; we mean mentally tired. “I’m just tired of existing. I’m tired of life, of stress. I’m emotionally tired… I want it all to stop. I want peace…”

Talking about a big trip or plan. This one can be completely innocent, and I’ve had friends who were really going on a trip, but sometimes alarm bells will go off in my head and I’ll ask if they’re okay. A lot of times, in order to NOT raise any suspicion and make sure nobody tries to stop us, we will disguise “the plan” as just some weekend trip or mysterious plans that we’re going to be busy with. This allows us to express some form of grief or goodbyes like “I’m going to miss you,” and everyone will think we just mean short term… when you’re depressed, you think this is clever.

They suddenly get really happy, or their usual symptoms, habits, threats, or behaviors stop. Seriously… when someone decides to do it they will often stop talking about it altogether… because they don’t want anyone to stop them. They don’t want help anymore… a lot of times, the mere knowledge that it will all be over soon actually causes some relief, and they will feel and act happier because of it… or they just want everyone to think they’re fine.

Tidying up our entire lives and dealing with all of those things we needed to get done. It sounds weird, I know… you’re gonna die, why bother finishing shit? I guess we as a species just like closure… sure there’s no point to finish homework, or call the doctor back so we may not do that unless we wanna clear up suspicion, but things that needed to be done, things that have been bugging us for ages, or confessions and other shit we wanted to take care of? Yeah… people like everything to be metaphorically tied off in a nice little bow. Clean house, clean sink, either nice clothes or clothes we don’t mind getting destroyed. Feed the dog, talk to each of our friends and family about everything we needed to tell them, and make sure all of our belongings are the way we like them to be… everything is nice and perfect and comfortable, and there’s nothing left to worry about… not everyone does this, but a lot of us do.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT SEEING THE WARNING SIGNS!! DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR SUSPECTING AND BEING WRONG!! On the one hand, if you accuse someone of being suicidal and you’re wrong, that’s fine… caring about people means you want to look out for them, and most people with depression will understand why you’re asking. As for missing all of the signs and losing someone to suicide… being suicidal doesn’t make us dumber. We have been hiding our depression all of our lives. Sometimes someone says they’re gonna do it and means it. Sometimes it’s obvious… sometimes it’s not so obvious but you can see the clues in hindsight, and sometimes you can’t see it at all… if someone doesn’t want to be stopped from carrying it out, they are going to try their damnedest to make sure you don’t suspect anything. Sometimes people succeed, and it’s not your fault. Failing to save them doesn’t make you a bad friend of family member… we didn’t want anyone to stop us, and we want you to think we’re okay. You didn’t fail, they just succeeded.

Remember, I love all of you. I hope this helps someone. Feel free to add commentary or addendums to this, but please be respectful.

[deliberatelyvague]

Spotlight (Asmodeus x fem!reader)

Started: April 5, 2020 at 7:42pm

Ended: April 5, 2020 at 8:50pm

Word Count: 2,030

Shipping: [Asmodeus x fem!reader]

Trigger Warning: cutting, eating disorder, (notes of) depression

Author’s Note: Uhh so here’s another one. I enjoy writing stories, so please, continue requesting!

Prompt/Request: OK SO IDK WHICH ONE I WANT TO REQUEST SO IM DOING BOTH. Can I request a mc x asmo scenario where mc is a super duper popular idol but it’s later revealed that in order to keep her beauty she develop an eating disorder and started to develop depression resulting in cutting her self?? Sorry for the weird ask!!

—————

You had always heard the saying ‘beauty is pain’. You didn’t realize how much pain it was, however, until you got down to the Devildom. Of course, you weren’t totally off Scott-free, your fans still expected some content, and you were in no place to deny them that.

Now, you loved the majority of your fans. They always backed you up, defended you and the link, but there was just somethings they couldn’t defend you from. Including yourself, unfortunately.

Getting famous started moderately fine, you went viral because of your singing videos, and you guess some modeling businesses enjoyed your looks and attitude enough that they asked if you could do some shoots. From then on, it was a whirlwind of sessions, meet and greets, starving yourself and self harming.

That last part was relatively new, and it was caused by some hate that you had received. Well, hate was to put it in modern terms. A tabloid had started rumors that you had gained weight, which wasn’t wrong (you were still growing and maturing, your body weight is going to fluctuate), but they stretched it beyond what it was and paired it with some terrible pictures taken with your guard down. It all mixed to create a terrible atmosphere, especially when other tabloids started to gossip about your weight as well.

Eventually it seemed that your weight was the only thing important. So, you started to cut down on food. You started to take walks and workout moderately regularly, and the results were almost instantaneous. You dropped a few pounds a week, your figure slimmed down and you had never felt better. But then, the opposite effect happened with the tabloids, talking about how much weight you had lost, but this time they were praising you. You loved that feeling, it’s why you continued singing and modeling anyway.

People called you beautiful and you thrived off the attention, which is probably why when you went to the Devildom you and Asmodeus hit it off so quickly.

You two were best friends within the first week you were there- and since he had a tendency of going partying after school and hanging out with other friends of his on some days, he never noticed how little you truly ate.

None of the other brother’s noticed, or you figured they didn’t.

But then something happened, you stopped losing weight as quickly as you had been. This sends you into spirals of anxiety, making you cut back more and more, exercise more. But it didn’t work. In fact, one week when you had weighed in, you had gained weight.

As you stared at that number flashing at you, the number that was only a pound above where it had been last week, you started sobbing.

Thoughts piled up in your mind about how you weren’t good enough anymore, about how your fans will leave you, about how Asmodeus would leave you. His friendship meant the world to you, and you would be lying if you told yourself that a friendship was all that you wanted from him.

But he was out partying with demons that were better than you, no doubt, ones that were skinnier, more confident, and yards better than you in everything.

In the back of your mind, you remembered the hater’s comments on some of your most popular songs, telling you about doing things to your body. You remember the tabloids gossiping about self-harm scars on popular actresses' bodies, and you thought about why they would do that. It’s said to be a pleasure source, something that makes the person doing it feel better.

You would do anything to feel actually, genuinely happy, for once, so before you even thought about it you had popped a blade out of the razor in the bathroom and pressed it to your hip. You almost never showed off your stomach, so it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.

You flinched away from the wound almost immediately, the pain coming in tiny spikes. But then, eventually, there was a bit of pleasure coming from it, watching little dots of blood pop up and drip down your hip and fall onto the ground. You cut yourself again, then once more.

You swallowed, breaking out of the trance the red lines had put you in before you realized that you needed to finish your homework. You cleaned up your cuts, sliding on a pair of loose-fitting joggers and a shirt you had taken from Asmodeus and padded over to your desk, sitting in the sodden chair, trying not to bother the cuts more than the pants would already. You quickly finished the homework, well as quickly as you could when every few minutes or so you would move slightly and the cuts would be agitated, and for a few quick moments you considered taking off your pants, but you didn’t know when Asmodeus would make his way to your room and come in without knocking like he usually did.

Though eventually you did change into some sleeping shorts, ones that almost fell off of your body, and that were practically bootie shorts.

“Doll, I’m coming in,” you heard Asmodeus’ voice through the door before he opened it. You were laying on your back on your bed, your head hanging off and your DDD in your hand.

“Asmo!” You called gleefully, his face immediately lightening your mood substantially. “How was the party?”

“It wasn’t as good as the one the other week, you remember that one, right doll? The one I forced you to come to.”

“Oh, yeah that one. I love that the first party you made me go to was also a rave. Go big or go home, right?”

“Of course! Now, Doll, what are we doing tonight? We could watch a movie and eat some unhealthy snacks?”

“Uh, we can watch movies, but I don’t really want to eat anything,” you told him, flipping around on your bed and sitting on your legs. He tilted his head and a frown formed between his two perfectly sculpted eyebrows.

“Oh? But Lucifer told me you didn’t eat tonight, you must be hungry?”

“No, I’m not really,” you assured him, but your stomach decided to betray you in that exact moment almost as if it was saying ‘don’t lie to him I am hungry’.

He looked from your stomach to your face with an unamused look on his face.

“[Y/N], he also told me that he’s never seen you eat, that you don’t eat dinner here at all. You know you don’t have to lie to me, right?”

The honesty in his voice and the look in his eyes almost broke you.

“I know,” he looked concerned, but didn’t push you. You knew you would tell him about your disorder when you were ready, hopefully if he had any idea about your disorder, he knew that too.

The two of you decided to do an at-home spa day, and he took you to his room. The two of you did face masks, hair masks, mani-pedis, and other things like that.

You had chosen each other’s nail colors, and you had picked an orange color to match his eyes, and he picked pink, using a holographic color on your ring figures. You liked that enough you did that on his ring figured too so you both would be matching.

While you waited for your nails to dry and picked out toenail polish, he asked you about any crushes.

“Oh, no, Asmo, I don’t really have my eyes on anyone,” you lied as you looked through the shades of blue he had. His eyes immediately lit up.

“Yes! Yes you do, I knew it! Who is it?” He said excitedly, and you shook your head.

“I knew you wouldn’t believe that. I’m not going to tell you because it’ll never happen, trust me.”

“Doll, how could you say that? I’m sure a lot of people would love to date you, to be able to call you theirs!” You shook your head, scoffing at him.

“Not this guy. I’m pretty sure he had his eyes on someone else, anyway.”

“Is it Lucifer? It does seem like he has his eyes on Diavolo, but I don’t know about that one, Doll. You still might have a chance.”

“No! It’s not Lucifer, I don’t have that big of daddy issues.”

“Who is it? Please, tell me,” he begged, and for the first time you actually looked at him. His eyes showed almost.. sadness. He seemed sad to be thinking about you with someone else.

You just shook your head.

“Asmo,” you let out, leaning back and looking at him. “It’ll ruin this.” He frowned.

“[Y/N], what do you mean?”

“Asmo,” here it comes, you just decided to let it out. “I like you. I really, really like you. But I understand if it weirds you out, if I’m not your type, I-”

You were interrupted when Asmo held the back of your head and brought your lips to his. You melted into his, and he put his hands on your hips and pulled you onto his lap. You let out a yelp when he pulled on you a little too hard, your cuts opening.

“Doll, what’s wrong?” He asks, before looking down at where his hands were, one of his hands having a little spot of blood on them and the shorts being stained with a little amount of blood. “[Y/N], what’s this?” You let his lift your shirt and pull down your shorts slightly, and he let out a small gasp, his face dropping as he took in your figure, one significantly smaller than it had been when you first came, and the multiple cuts you had on you.

“I, it’s just stress. The tabloids, the comment sections of almost anything when I post pictures, it’s all just a lot.”

“Doll, you could have come to me. Here, let’s fix you up a little bit,” he soothed, picking you up and making you wrap your legs around him, carrying you to his bathroom and dressing your wounds. You didn’t say anything to him. “When’s the last time you ate or drank anything?”

“I drank some water earlier today,” you tell him, and he smiles slightly and strokes your hair. “Good job on that, Doll. But we need to get some food in your stomach, okay?”

Your heartbeat sped up, and you shook your head, tears coming.

“No, Asmo, I can’t eat. Please, don’t make me.”

“I’m not asking you to eat much, please, I can’t have my girl dying on me. What about a piece of fruit and some more water?”

You looked at the floor for a few seconds.

“Can we watch something while I eat, and cuddle, please? It’ll help me take my mind off of it, I think.” He nods, and you both walk to the kitchen after fixing your clothes.

Grabbing your food and water you make your way to your room and turn on [TV show or movie] as Asmo sat on the floor, pulling you into his lap, his chest pressed against your back. He kissed underneath your ear.

Once you had finished the food, which took a bit, but it’s still down for now, he praised you.

“Good girl, Doll. Now finish the water and he can cuddle more.”

You finish the water and turn to him.

“Thank you, Asmo. For helping me.”

“Of course, Doll. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

————

This was written by me in no way trying to romanticize mental illnesses. I try to write what I feel would help me in the moment. I completely understand that mental illnesses don’t just ‘disappear’ when you’ve figured out that someone loves you or someone helps you once- that’s why I don’t write what happens after in most cases. If you are struggling, please reach out to anyone you trust, or call a hotline.

[bigskydreaming]

Hey friendly reminder that I honestly do not want anyone to follow me unless they actually WANT to which means they are free to unfollow, refollow, leave and come back and leave again or WHATEVER as many times as they want, for any reason whatsoever. Including if my posting styles of the moment get to be too much for them or are not to their liking, etc?

BUT I have been seeing a surge in comments in notes and stuff on various posts of mine about the length of my posts or the rambling of my posts and like....I know? This is not new information to me? But I post the way I post at any given time based on the resources I have at any given time and the fact that its often a matter of I can post a long rambling post or I can make no post at all.

Like, I really truly do not like going into specifics about my situation more than necessary or when not necessary, because like, my situation is boring to me, I don’t particularly care to dwell on it any more than I have to. But the fact of the matter is its still a thing that exists so here goes: yes I have physical issues like near constant migraines and pain and also vertigo, and yes I have neurodivergencies like C-PTSD and ADHD and yes I have circumstances that include near constant stress from eternally being in the negatives, financially, as well as being almost constantly hungry from a lack of money and limited options for eating due to the physical constraints of my jaw as well as being consistently sleep deprived because there’s only so much sleep you can get when there’s no such thing as a physically comfortable sleeping arrangement for you currently, all while existing in a constant limbo of I literally have NO idea when any of this will change for me because haha fun fact WE LIVE IN A PANDEMIC.

My point is like......all of these are things I’m not shy about, but they don’t exist as bullet points in a checklist of identity or circumstantial traits, they all exist at all times as points of fact that influence and inform and interact with each other.

So my financial situation and limbo of not being able to move forward with my surgery because of the chaos of the health care industry during a pandemic directly informs both the way stress impacts my mental health issues, but also my ability to treat my mental health issues by way of medication, nutrition, rest.....ie, almost every cent I make via work, etc, goes right back out the door to keeping up my insurance premiums of $850 a month, because even though my surgery is paid for, there’s still elements like hospital stay fees, anesthesia, etc, that won’t be paid until the day of surgery itself, and which I will not be able to pay without my insurance remaining current and active. Which means that I had to prioritize an insurance package that would net me THOSE benefits, which means I had to sacrifice parts of insurance that are no longer in that package, but which previously made things like my medications, refill appointments and therapy more affordable for me. 

Which means that I have to prioritize my medication and therapy etc and maintain my therapy and PTSD, depression and anxiety meds as the most important to upkeep, while my ADHD meds are pretty much priced out of accessibility for me at the moment. Like, the specifics of my metabolism and various trial and error with different meds over the years and the way my body rapidly adapts to various meds and plateaus to a point where they cease to have any real impact on me means the only ADHD medication that’s consistently effective for me is Vyvanse, which there isn’t a viable generic form of that I can take, meaning a monthly refill of it is $350 without insurance, which I flat out can not ever afford anymore, which means its been roughly two months since I last popped an ADHD pill.

So yeah, that directly impacts things like my ability to self-edit, make a point briefly, or refrain from circling back to the same point several times over and over because I literally forget that I made it.

Now of course ADHD medication is not the be-all and end-all and its not like there aren’t various other life-hacks and coping strategies for working around ADHD even without it, after all, I didn’t even get diagnosed until I was 26. But these various other adaptations rely on things like good nutrition (which I can not regularly afford, or even consume....most leafy green vegetables for example, or fruits other than berries, are literally nonstarters for me because I don’t have enough leverage with my one-sided jaw to CHEW them in the first place, and the ingredients for making smoothies regularly are again, expensive). So nutrition as a hack for ADHD management is pretty much out - I’m too busy prioritizing eating anything I can, whenever I can afford to. Other adaptations involve getting lots of rest: something that again, physically isn’t all that viable for me these days, even leaving aside the effects of constant stress on attempts at getting meaningful rest, along with the constant stress and constraints of trying to work as much as humanly possible in my circumstances, in order to keep bringing in income to go to insurance, rent, and food and meds. Then there’s also the stabilizing effects exercise and physical activity can have on the brain and various neurodivergencies like mine, but the migraines and vertigo make most forms of exercise a nonstarter for me, with most of the rest invalidated by the fact that I’m pretty much always hungry, tired, and in chronic pain.

Now let’s examine work and the viability of obtaining more sources of income to help with all this. Well, my options are limited there too due to the ecosystem of factors in play. I’ve been trying for awhile to find even a part time job in my area I can do, but the problems are even though I can make myself mobile and active through my pain issues and migraines, and am even good at gritting and bearing it and acting like I’m smiling and laughing and happy even while in excruciating pain (yay, perks of childhood abuse making a career in retail viable even while practically dead on my feet, lololol)......there’s the simple physiological limitation that I just can’t stay upright RELIABLY for more than a couple hours at a time. Eventually, dizziness knocks me on my ass. Downside of a jaw that’s constantly hanging with all its weight from one side of your face, fucking with your ability to even stand up straight, not to mention causing inner ear and equilibrium problems at random whenever you open or close your mouth in the wrong way (or mere approximation of ANY kind of way).

So, standing upright at any kind of customer service or retail job is one issue. Stocking stuff, that sort of thing.....not really an option when you’re likely to drop all of it at any given moment. But then there’s bracing myself at cash registers, something like a job at Starbucks or hell there’s a Jamba Juice nearby, that’d also get me an employee discount for smoothies I can drink regularly. Course, there’s the whirring of blenders and such, which pair great with constant migraines. Etc. Etc.

BUT. I’m a well-rounded person with lots of skills....which lead to things like my freelance graphic design business as a book cover designer, as well as various writing endeavors, etc. And all of these are things that I DO do, currently. They’re how I make my income as is. There’s absolutely more jobs out there, but the fact is as a freelancer, FINDING additional jobs is a time consuming and spoon consuming process, that is additionally impacted by factors like ADHD, so not only does looking for work require time that’s not already being spent working, it also requires the management and expenditure of mental resources that I have to prioritize FIRST towards applying them to what work I already DO have, given the absence of ADHD medication and minimal coping or regulatory habits allowing for me to be all that productive WITHOUT said meds.

Not to mention the strain sitting in front of a computer all day for work in venues like graphic design, etc, puts on migraines, so there’s only so many hours I can devote daily or in one sitting to doing things like cover work. Much of my writing time is spent not actually writing, but me just dictating into notes on my phone and then copying and pasting all that into the appropriate formats for fiction, nonfiction and just random posts. Of course here then I have to prioritize applying my mental resources to first making sure the stuff I write to make money gets edited or properly pared down to size and isn’t repeating the same shit over and over and over, then doing the same to stuff I write fic wise as one of my few escapes from Real Life BS so I can at least point to having SOME kind of life (as this has been my daily existence for years, and uh.....people having things they like or like to do, as much as is humanly feasible, only becomes MORE of a necessity the more stress involved in their day to day life, not less). 

Meaning by the time I even get to posting, like.....as much as it may look like I do a lot of it, the speed at which I write when I have any kinds of spoons to apply to posting or composing thoughts at ALL means I actually pour out a lot in a little span of time.....BUT that’s not like, a Skill so much as its a Fact. Its just the way I am and it comes with its downsides as well as its upsides....Im good at banging out a lot in a short amount of time, but ONLY when I just....let it go, versus try and regulate it all or squeeze it out bit by bit. I’m a sprint poster these days rather than a marathoner, even if the length of my thoughts makes it LOOK like the latter.....the reality is for me it tends to be all or nothing, its whatever I can get on the page BEFORE I lose my breath or train of thought. So that’s why it looks the way it does, because that was the only form it was coming out at the specific time and space when I had the energy and brainpower TO get it out, and going back in hindsight and editing it for clarity or brevity AFTER I gasp it all out requires energy and breath I do not have PAST that point, so it becomes a simple equation of well do I want a post to exist here at all or not at all.....and I err on the side of posting. This isn’t a defense because there’s nothing to defend, mind you, I’m simply explaining my way through my thought process, approach to things, and realities of my day to day existence for you to do with whatever you want. Its just a perspective you may not have had before. Whatever. 

Of course, even this doesn’t exist in a void. Something that’s always a factor in my awareness when posting is like......I’m lucky enough to have a large enough following that cares enough about what I have to say for whatever reasons or puts enough value in what I have to say or the things I write and create, that I’ve been able to supplement my financial needs when absolutely necessary at times, by way of donation posts. I try not to lean on them more than necessary because I am keenly aware that they are a gift from people, many of whom I do not know and will likely never meet, and as such, not something I have any form of expectation for. I make donation posts when and where I do not in the anticipation of getting them met, but simply for a lack of any other options whatsoever. I’m limited in the work I can do, and the time and energy I can devote to finding more of that same work. There’s not a ton of other career paths I can pursue even from behind a computer due to my lack of a college degree, and the fact that even when I’m qualified skill or knowledge wise, I lack the specific credentials for verifying that I possess those skills or knowledge in a way employers are inclined to recognize and/or validate. Going BACK to school to get said credentials is an expenditure of time, finances, and other resources I do not have to spare at the moment or any time soon, especially not in the name of shoring up a lack of all that in the present term. 

I dropped out of college freshman year after my gaybashing and rape. I never went back to it for a variety of reasons that were only half about resources and half about intent. My family is not a presence in my life and hasn’t really been in any significant way since I was eighteen, so college in the first place was something I had to be entirely self-sufficient about....I was only able to afford to go the year that I did go by way of academic scholarships that were dependent on grades I couldn’t keep up in the wake of what happened to me, and that I couldn’t exactly ever get back without a foundation to build upon, like high school and my initial academic career. Then in the half that was about intent, I eventually moved into pursuing my actual interests like writing, graphic design and acting. One of the things I’ve always loved about those is that output and portfolio nets you more than credentials most of the time....they ARE your credentials. I was actually pretty damn successful as an actor for years, not in the way that leads to being someone that people would recognize, but in the way that leads to being able to support yourself doing what you love. All the skillsets that I have but could not back up with things like a diploma were still useful to me as an actor in a way that they’re not in terms of getting things like tutoring or teaching jobs.....I speak multiple languages but I’m self taught, I have a black belt in karate, I’m a classically trained pianist, I know a whole lot of shit about random shit that I just learned because I wanted to, and all of that got me the kind of work that I was looking for and meant I COULD work and make a living off those things for years throughout my twenty....work that I would not have been able to get if I had been back sitting in a classroom instead. The primary currency of my years as an actor were life experiences and I had those in spades, and I was very good at what I did, if I do say so myself, and the reasons I never advanced further career wise tended to have less to do with whether or not I booked the roles I auditioned for and whether I got the auditions at all......

I’m getting a bit off topic here but I’m just saying there’s definitely a convo to be had at some point, about the roles and opportunities I turned down because I wasn’t willing to sleep with someone or put up with their advancements in order to do so. Something that’s a dime a dozen in Hollywood and the thing is.....I was a sex worker, for years, before I moved to Hollywood and started working as an actor. But there’s a distinct difference between the way people talk about, interact with and perceive someone who’s gotten roles because of sex, advanced up a corporate ladder because of sex...versus, gotten paid because of sex. I didn’t turn down offers of roles for sex because of my hang-ups about sex but rather other peoples’......I had a problem with various parts of the industry that would have thought nothing about me getting a role because a producer wanted to sleep with me, but would have turned up their nose at me because I slept with someone to get money for groceries before. Basically I’m just saying the specific bullshit Hollywood has not just about sex but predatory behavior got in the way of my career advancement because there were some games I just wasn’t willing to play....which hails from the very life experiences that oftentimes made me so good as an actor in the first place.

Which brings me back again to my main point......none of this exists in a vaccuum. Being the sum of our life experiences and variables means being the SUM of that, at ALL times, both in large and small ways. We are never just a LIST of identity traits or experiences. They all constantly loop back around and feed into each other and inform where we are at every second of every day and where we GO in each second, what we DO with our days and the choices we make.

Which is where so much of my discontent with fandoms, on social media in general, with PEOPLE in my day to day life comes from: this desire people have to compartmentalize, to ZERO IN on specific factors or variables or instances and act like it even CAN be divorced from all other influences. Its not that you can’t FOCUS on one thing at a time, its just even when you do that, that doesn’t like....snap all existing connections that thing has to everything outside of your area of focus.

As an example, my attitudes on being a survivor and various kinds of fiction get me a ton of pushback from various corners, and its all geared around the same premise: don’t like, don’t read. Put a wall up between you and it. Focus on just what you’re doing and forget what everyone else is doing.

But it doesn’t work like that. It CAN’T work like that. And this commitment people have to pretending it does just because that pretense has been working for them, THAT, I’d argue, is the true wedge in fandom spaces.

Everything about me is connected to something else. I’m a childhood abuse and incest csa survivor. When my therapist asks me to picture a moment from my childhood when I felt safe or protected, I got nothing. I don’t have that resource. I don’t know what that feeling is meant to feel like, because I never felt it. And that connects directly into the fact that when I was gaybashed in college, after they dumped me in a fucking park, bleeding and covered in writing, I didn’t even think about going to the hospital, the police, let alone calling anyone like my parents, I just picked myself up and walked back to my dorm, cleaned myself off as best I could, and went to class next Monday morning. That’s fucked up, I shouldn’t have had to, but its what I did, and there’s no divorcing that from any of the contexts of WHY that’s what I did, and why I didn’t think there was any other logical recourse or option for me then. Just like all of that also links back to growing up in the closet and entering high school the same month Matthew Shepherd was attacked, and then when he ultimately died two months later, and watching everybody’s reactions to that informed the fact that I did not remotely feel safe in the aftermath of my attack, disclosing what happened to people around me, or just like I didn’t take it on face value that even if they said appropriately sensitive things to me to my face didn’t mean that like when I was a freshman in high school and everyone was reacting to that, they wouldn’t revert to callous jokes about fags the second they felt a little less out of the spotlight or in the right company for those jokes. 

And all of that directly links into my feelings not just when people write rape and gaybashing scenes that make no attempt at any kind of catharsis but rather only appear to exist for the fetishization, the glamorization, the VALIDATION of the idea that in the right context, those kinds of scenes can be hot to the right audience rather than demoralizing to the figure who’s pain and humaniliation is required for everyone else’s entertainment....but it also additionally plays into the reactions and attitudes I have when people look at me going “wow, really don’t like the lens you’re using here or the environment you’re creating around an experience that is never anything BUT painful and traumatic for someone who lived it, like I did” and choose to respond to that by saying things that amount to “well you’re basically just like conservative southern assholes who hate free speech when you say stuff like this,” cuz y’know.....that’s describing my literal oppressors. That’s lumping me in with the actual literal kind of people who are the SOURCE of my trauma there, all because you felt butthurt and defensive about how I said I wasn’t comfortable with the kinds of jokes and output you were making about scenes that aren’t that far divorced from my own personal reality, and that I shouldn’t HAVE to divorce from my own experiences just to exist within certain fandom spaces.

And just like the fact that being an incest survivor is directly relevant to the fact that my stepmother always made an effort to keep me at a distance because not wanting to admit to what happened to me and how it played into our family entanglements was directly linked back to the fact that she and my aunt were both incest survivors who never got the opportunities to deal with what happened to them, which in turn directly plays into the fact that ultimately my aunt ended up taking her own life a few years ago, which also very much informs my attitude towards people interacting with incest ships as something cutesy and uwu, as my aunt was literally the only person in my family I ever WAS close to or comfortable with. And there’s no divorcing any of that into nice neat little compartments that make it easier for anyone on the outside looking in to just peek through ONE window to see what they might see, and try and act like it doesn’t matter what’s in any of those other boxes because it has nothing to do with the only one they want to concern themselves with.

And my lack of resources and emotional state post gay-bashing led directly into my sex work for various reasons, which led in various ways to better things for me in some respects, while compounding certain traumas of mine in other respects, and there’s no divorcing any of that from the rest either. There’s no ‘my time as a sex worker was good’ even though some of it was and there’s no ‘my time as a sex worker was bad’ even though some of it really was. And a lot of the attitudes of some of the rich assholes who paid me for sex and viewed me as a plaything they could do anything to directly informs my resistance to letting powerful assholes in Hollywood hold roles over my head in exchange for sex, even though the latter could have advanced my career in huge ways and led to me being a lot more financially stable and self-sufficient by the time my physical issues emerged due to the jaw joint on one side of my head eroding through and snapping completely just like that in turn was a long-building repercussion of not just my gaybashing, but my decision to never go to the hospital and get checked out after it.

None of this can be cut away from the rest and trimmed into neat little pieces that don’t color outside the lines or impact anything else. Just like my gaybashing itself can’t be divorced from my white privilege, and the fact that it played into the fact that I survived that night in the first place. Something I say not in some weird white guilt kinda way like people try and project onto others for even acknowledging white privilege, like no its not like I fucking wish I died to prove some kind of weird point, what I’m talking about is just the simple basic AWARENESS that multiple and even contradictory factors exist in even the most extreme of situations. And its never anything BUT self-serving to pretend that you can frame it as otherwise.

And so when I talk about being a survivor, just like with all the rest of this, I’m not talking about some arbitrary status of survivorhood that exists in a specific point in time and is only relevant to some singular event I survived, its applicable to everything about my life big and small. I’m a survivor every single day I’ve survived, every day I wake up and keep moving forward despite the pain and stress and lingering trauma of what was done to me one night sixteen years ago, I’m surviving what they did every bit as much as I survived it that night and in the morning after as I dragged myself back to my room. Just like my status as an abuse survivor stemming from childhood directly informs everything about not just my coping mechanisms but my entire freaking worldview as someone who grew up throughout childhood learning to view the world through a lens in which he was simultaneously not safe due to the presence of victimizers in his own home, while at the same time still having certain protections that others don’t have in life in general due to not just again my white privilege but my male privilege, my cis privilege.

And that’s what makes it so laughable and so offensive when people act like I’m defining myself by being a survivor as some kind of singular identity trait whenever I raise it as something of relevance in fandom discussions that have EVERYTHING to do with stances of abuse apologism and homophobic ideas that directly play into why I was so unsafe in certain parts and times of my life, because who the fuck is anyone else to tell me how my experiences as a survivor and how they shaped me are or are not relevant to ideas pertaining to those very things, when brought front and center and face to face with me in various fandoms due to the insistence of fandoms at large on KEEPING these things front and center in almost ALL fandom discussions? Like, the hilarious irony of people who have so wholly centered certain types of ship and content in terms of their own personal fandom identities that they can’t help but feel personally attacked when someone so much as says “I don’t like the ideas you’re broadcasting alongside your choice to amplify and signal boost this kind of content because you’re not JUST signalboosting the content itself, but these specific perceptions of it and ideas in support of and in apology for it.”....like, turning around and saying IM too defined by my views stemming from my existence as a survivor. The call is coming from inside the house, lolol.

Again, none of this can be divorced from the rest. It can be focused on one piece at a time, but its connections to everything else that informs it in various RELEVANT ways, can not be made IRRELEVANT just because you don’t like the picture that forms when you’re forced to look at the WHOLE picture instead of just willfully condensing the frame to just the part you like or want to talk about.

And to bring it all home, looping back up to what I opened with:

Do you know how often I hear people say shit about the length of my posts or the rambling nature or in various ways act INCONVENIENCED by various things about how they have to interact with my posts when that interaction itself is still completely voluntary?

Taking in everything I said in this post, the way it all interconnects and informs other things, I’d like to ask anyone who has ever objected to some post somewhere or derided one because of something as ultimately nonconsequential as the length of it, something where its literally just like....scroll a few more seconds......do you apply the same energy and scrutiny to posts that cross your dash that are filled with various things like racism, transphobia, rape or pedophilia fetishization or abuse apologism, or do you let that slide by without acknowledgment before looking at a post that makes you sigh because of how fucking LONG it was and think...this, THIS is what I’m gonna choose to speak up about?

Because that’s ultimately what this is all about. Here’s the kicker with everything I said....my life could be better, I want it to be better, from the biggest aspects of it and pain issues to stuff just like.....the fandom communities I immerse myself in for my own attempts at having something to counterbalance real life stress. But at the end of the day, there’s no my life sucks or my life rocks....its still just...my life. And it has its good as well as its bad, and that ultimately hails from my choices, and the fact that like....even while there are choices I literally CAN’T make, I can be comfortable with the ones I DO make.

And so like......would my life be easier in some respects now if I’d gone back to school and gotten a diploma and had more job opportunities available to me? Yeah, for sure. But that awareness doesn’t mean I regret my choice NOT to go back to school when I DID have more opportunities for that, because the acting career I had at those times instead was the choice I made, with intent, and its one I’m still glad for making. Those experiences still matter, still meant something and still mean something to me. 

And do I wish that I’d coped with what happened to me in college in different, healthier ways that would have given me more tools for how I interact with my trauma and who I became after that, rather than how I did? Yeah, sometimes, for sure. But not without losing my awareness that the choices I did make at the time were not made in a vacuum, and can not be edited in hindsight....there were reasons I made them, reasons that were informed by everything that had happened to me previously and stemmed from a lot of things I still didn’t have control over and as such always placed a cap on the range of choices that were available to me back then, because there’s a difference between choices that exist in theory versus choices that exist as something that might viably be chosen at a particular place and time.

The world is big and complicated. Life is big and complicated. WE are big and complicated. And nothing about understanding any of that is IMO benefited by putting most of our effort into SHRINKING our worldviews, constructing artificial frames that don’t just focus us in on specific aspects of it for finite periods but attempt to then treat that as its own individual thing utterly disconnected from anything else that might be going on OUTSIDE that picture frame.

So if you’ve read this far and you’ve taken anything away from this big long rambling post that could be a lot shorter, could be a lot less rambling, but could also just not have been posted at all and I’d rather have it exist in this form than let everything in it go unsaid.....

My request would be that your takeaway be this: to look at your choices in regards to some specific finite interaction in even just one of your fandoms, and see what happens when you open the frame back up. If you widen the scope. If you let other things into the picture. Are you still comfortable with the choices you make or don’t make in light of THAT image, are they any different from the ones you made or would have made when keeping things as small and contained in your awareness as possible, just because that was easier for you to conceptualize, easier to navigate around, just....less COMPLICATED?

Because things aren’t made less complicated just by the mere fact of WANTING them to be.

And if your choices are more born of what you’d say or do IF the world were as finite or as limited as its sometimes easier to pretend it is......is that really the approach you want to go with and the reasoning you want to stand by?

And similarly, if there are choices you make and that in ORDER for you to feel comfortable making them, you feel a need to tighten your focus or shrink your worldview around one specific element or area and leave out all the rest and only then are you truly comfortable with doing or saying something, like......

Its important to remember that this isn’t the only option you have for making yourself more comfortable with things you say or do or think, or even just have in the past.

The other perfectly viable option exists: you can simply....make different choices.

[rant-2-me]

My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

[pyrodarknessanny]

Whilst the topic of treating women with  respect is a hot button issue at the moment it got me thinking about my own experiences in life. and whilst I can say that I am one of the lucky ones who’s not been assaulted   things have happened around me that  had they gone differently  my story would be very different indeed. it also saddens me  that I know so many close friends and family who were not so lucky , many of them were children when they were first abused. and yes I do know  “not all men”   but   as the brothers , fathers , uncles , cousins ,friends and co-workers  the weight of this falls on you to call out  the  unacceptable behaviour of your peers. I’m going to list this instances in chronological order. and keep in mind that  I am a  goblin , short, weird , don’t care for looking nice and makeup and such  but still  ive been put on the spot numerus times in the past by  “nice guys”™ high school , senior years .   met some one I thought was decent online . we had an on again off again  video call thing going it spanned years  and started innocently enough  however in the latter years  when I was super depressed it turned quite toxic and manipulative   where he would refuse to   pay attention to me, controlling the calls , there was a time zone difference  so I was up till 4am most nights  hoping that this person would be around.    When we did get into calls  he had me doing  increasingly  dangerous things .   he’d even convinced me to  send him a  substantial amount of money of the last 12 months of our contact.          I’ve since cut them off  cold some years ago now but   they’ve certainly had an impact on me

 In between this on again off again online thing   when I was single I’ve and no less than 3   older male friends  try to hit me up because their  partners at the time were out of town. one even messaged me one night when I was high and tried very hard to convince me that it would be a good idea to drop round.       I don’t talk to any of them now but  each one I told to stay faithful to their partners and denied their offers.    

Also in high school - this happened at my  part time job. boss had a mate who would often sell him stuff for the store ,  bit of a flipper. one of the other senior staff thought it was FUNNY  to tell him that  I was fair game. so this guy who is well in his 40’s   would seek me out at work and harass me. usually when I was at the back of the shop bagging the bulk produce into smaller retail portions. mind you I’m  an 18 yr old autistic person .  had to find excuses to  avoid this person   make it look like im working  in the areas that had security cameras on them or   hope that there were customers so he couldn’t  talk to me.       I had spoken out about this  to the boss and  the owner of the business ( as it was one of his friends)   but they  all thought it was a harmless game. guy bailed me up at the back of the store one afternoon as im bagging  up animal feed.  Store was dead quiet  so not a lot of escape options   I had had enough of it by that point  and put him in his place.   Fortunately  for me he was a little old Asian man  had he of been some one of my dad’s stature  that scenario would have played out MUCH differently.  

Hey now speaking of family! growing up in an abusive household sure dose   wounders for building character huh? im on good talking terms with my family now but growing up  was interesting.

Our house hold was one of hard disciplines.  We didn’t just get smacked we got absolutely belted.

Or our things were broken… actually it was only ever MY things that got trashed out of discipline. my 4 brothers always got off Scott free. Whenever there was a fight or argument ? it was always me that was in trouble  regardless of the circumstance.

Good lessons to teach the kids eh’

My real dad  was off the sceen,  we were more or less raised by our step dad but   when he got an upper management job at his place of work , shit at home  got  bad.    The abuse turned from physical   to psychological .     nothing was ever good enough.   You were always trash  or a disgrace. and praise was only ever given to  the brothers.          So  yeah more good lessons  for  impressionable teens.   shitty ex #1 -  met them at a convention , seamed like a reasonable kind of guy we hit it off and it was great.    Very quickly realised something was off about them. tried very hard to control me .  would say one thing and then do something else entirely. caught them out on numerous lies and on more than one occasion said some very concerning things about minors.       Moments that stand out the most .   was staying at my place for a party , either a birthday or Halloween .   at my house with my family and close friends , had the gall to try and control my behaviour  because  he thought I was being too weird , he did this in front of my mother and best friend.     Another time , it was my birthday and he promised  to buy dinner out . started out as  we would go to this fancy casino restaurant .    ended at a Mc Donald’s with me catching the train home by my self  fuming.     I should have ended that one much sooner than I did but I didn’t want to come across as “mean” or unreasonable  so it let it drag out for another 6 months before I told him to fuck off.

 Dude then proceeded to cyber stalk me and  several friends there after. he was super bad at this and  finaly backed off when I threatened to call the cops. YEET!

 Shitty ex #2 -  technically we only dated for a few weeks decided that it didn’t work for either of us but stayed good friends .        had to tell them  frequently  about what things were and weren’t appropriate  for the friendship afterwards ,    eneded turning into one of the biggest narcicists ive ever seen.

 Miscellaneous things.   Im mentioned before about peer pressure and that its on the boys to call this shit out when they see it. I’ve had  to be the voice of reason for a number of male friends   when they were getting  a bit too obsessed over  girls who had zero interest in them.        One guy in particular  could not leave it alone  , this girl he was white knighting for    was a friend from school , she had a partner but he  swore black and blue that   he could “save her”  from making shitty decisions.     I think he eventually gave up on her when she ripped him off over some digital art that was a trace job and he lost  a good sum of money but   it was disturbing to hear just how obsessed he was with  her.

[witcher-ot3]

Sims 4 (Im)Perfect Strangers Characters

Okay, probably no one cares, but hey, may as well share. So, I’ve been making some folks from (Im)Perfect Strangers, and I figured hey, maybe someone else cares enough to want to see lmao

Triss So, obviously we know what Triss looks like in canon. But because I started with Netflix!Triss, my version is a bit of a combination of game and netflix canon. Also, because I have the mods that make it possible, yes she has hairy legs and arms and no, she is not ashamed of it. Idk if her eyes are quite so noticeable, but I like the idea that mages feel ever so slightly Off to lay folk.

Adda the White Adda the White is Foltest’s daughter niece and in my version of things, she was raised by the Priestesses of Melitele with Triss and Roche looking in on her/mentoring her over the years. She’s had pretty limited contact with Foltest himself. She wears the traditional headcovering of the Priestesses (aka a hijab). She also has sharper than normal teeth, a lingering result of the striga curse, along with slightly heightened senses.

In her priestess garb, I think she looks a bit like this:

Anais La Valette Yeah okay, she has a game model, but the Witcher 2 kid models are creepy. SO, Anais, as we know, is a rowdy, rambunctious kid. She likes fighting and rough playing and she is not afraid of demanding what she wants. Loudly. 

Boussy La Valette Unlike his sister, Boussy is more of an introvert. He likes his own company, but mostly, he likes to keep busy doing something that makes him think. (I doing my best to portray him as autistic, btw). He also does not believe in casual clothing. If you’re gonna get dressed, you should put effort into it, that’s his philosophy. He probably learned to tie his own bowtie at like 7 just so he could wear it without other people getting in his space to tie it.

Rinn Originally created by the wonderful @franzwantscoffee​, Rinn is our favorite Scoia’tael spy. She’s pretty young as elves go - well, most of the Scoia’tael are, honestly, but Rinn is around teens/early twenties in the human equivalent. She wears clothing that helps her blend into the forest and is so good at sneaking that it takes inhuman senses to be able to detect her when she doesn’t want to be seen.

Sylvar Amongst the Scoia’tael, no one has worse scars that Sylvar. He typically wears a red mask over the lower half of his face to help cover them, but the burn scars he bears are extensive. He joined the Scoia’tael after the house his mother and he lived in amongst humans was set on fire - with them inside. He managed to escape, but his mother did not. Only elven medicine was able to save him and help him regain mobility after the incident. Because of this, Sylvar, unsurprisingly, does not trust humans. He wants to believe in the Free Pontar Valley, but it’s difficult when trying to sleep with humans in the vicinity leads to nightmares and panic attacks.

Taredd Taredd is remarkably short amongst elves, to the point that he was often teased about being a dwarven bastard. He does not enjoy reminders of his height (which, of course, means that Sylvar has to remind him every so often, just because). Anxious and clever, he took a page out of Cedric’s book and self-medicates with alcohol to keep his mind from being too overwhelmingly busy. He’s probably the best tracker in the Scoia’tael.

Maeral Maeral is punk as hell, the cleverest commander in Iorveth’s Scoia’tael, and an all around badass. Her squad is all women and to be honest, she doesn’t have much time for men. Iorveth is an exception because he lets her utterly destroy him at chess. She trusts him unequivocally, but her team is also a strike force. They’re the ones who go in first, the ones who play the distraction, the ones most likely to die. She trusts Iorveth because he trusts her to do what she needs to on the ground to bring as many of their people home as possible.

Imadia Imadia is old, even for elves, and unlike most elves humans have seen, she shows signs of her age. That’s how old she is. She is also old enough to take no shit whatsoever and she likes a nice pop of color in life. Things are bleak enough without wearing drab and depressing clothing. Besides, as a medic, she is typically removed from the fight and doesn’t have to scrounge for “gently used” armor like the rest of the Scoia’tael. In addition to serving as Iorveth’s medic, Imadia and Iorveth have known each other since before the Conjunction of the Spheres. When he attended the elven university equivalent, she was his thesis advisor. His faith in her advise has survived since then, and even though her biting tongue might bruise his ego, when he’s in over his head, she is the first person he goes to.

Kythaela (also known as Ky) Ky is a very upbeat and bright person, rarely ever seen without a beaming smile. She came to the Scoia’tael with her father, Ayluin, but he eventually turned traitor, trying to sell the Scoia’tael out to the Temerian guard. When he was discovered, he fled, and Ky attacked him in anger. In the scuffle, Ky managed to stab her father through the heart - and then broke down crying under the weight of everything. That was how Iorveth found her and came to believe in her innocence. Of everyone in the Scoia’tael, Kythaela and Rinn are probably the closest. They’re of a similar age and despite their very different demeanors, they make a terrifying and effective team. Ky is part of Maeral’s all-women unit.

SPOILERS FOR (IM)PERFECT STRANGERS!!

Zeda In Between Two Fools Chapter 4, we discover that Kythaela is pregnant with a dwarf’s child. Epic sex ed fail in the Scoia’tael, btw. Zeda hasn’t actually been born yet in what I’ve written so far, BUT he’s going to play a significant role in the future. As a half-dwarf/half-elven child, this baby is TINY and came out with a full head of hair. I think as he grows up, he’ll also probably grow body hair, unlike elves, because dwarves are very, very hairy because I say so.

Because this was super fun, are there any characters that y’all would like to see visualized? Maybe I’ll do Luka next...