#i mean like im agender but ive been feeling

[ford-mustang-1969]

chat

gender crisis in tags

[phagodyke]

weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

[merildae]

(images left to right from the ages of 18 - 28. HRT only between the last two or three of each set)

I am one year into HRT! and out as transmasc for about a year and a half.

however I would say my journey to this point has been going on for around a decade. Ive been out as lesbian since i was 15 but started realizing i was not cis when I was around 18.

when i was 19 and in college i came out as agender with they/them pronouns and started to consider going on t. unfortunately i was on my parents health insurance and didnt know where to begin safely accessing healthcare to start a medical transition. transmedicalist rhetoric within the trans community also made feel like i "wasnt trans enough" and felt alienated all around.

when i was 20 i intentionally went back in the closet and started saying i was cis again. i grew out my hair and tried to go for a more traditionally feminine look. mostly in an attempt to be more accepted socially and " look hirable".

by the time i was 24 i had mostly convinced myself i was actually cis and had this very disconnected relationship with my self. i felt constantly like i was in a play or a drag performance. and like no one really knew me or only liked a false version of myself.

when i was 25 i again realized i wasnt cis and was out to a few close friends as nonbinary.

at 26 i came out to freinds and at my workplace as nonbinary and started using they/them pronouns again. i knew i was interested in HRT and since i had my own health insurance i began to seriously consider it but only to myself.

by the time i was 27 i came out as transmasc with he they pronouns and changed my name to dorian online and amongst close friends/ coworkers and began pursuing a medical transition. i changed careers so that i would have better healthcare to support this. my family found out about this along the way and i am now very low contact with them (partially due to the trans thing partially because they have been otherwise abusive)

now at 28 ive been on hrt for a year, i have top surgery set for this fall and im finally starting to feel that i look like myself.

i wanted to share that trans journeys are not always linear, sometimes it takes a while to be ready, and able to access the means to transition.

anyways yay! one year

[plaidos]

Hey, im just sending this bc i started thinking about this again this morning and now i can't work bc of it but i need to. So uhh just to get it out of my head: I know im trans in some way, i usually use genderqueer, sometimes agender, but who knows ive wondered if im a trans guy even tho i dont think so? - but in my life i just kinda live as a cis girl bc once i figured out i though just knowing it and having it figured inside of my head was enough but uhhh. I think i also don't wanna do anything about it bc my dream would be to truly not be perceived as any gender ever but i know thats impossible and the idea of trying and that not working would only bring more attention to my gender and I just want people not to think about and i think if i just not do anything about i can just pretend its not a thing? Like if i have to go through trying to be perceived as i want and people go against it and i have to be aware of how people perceive my gender i think it would make me feel so bad i might just drop dead. So yeah i always thought i was never gonna do anything about my gender even if hormones sound pretty good bc for practical reasons it would be easier to not think about it. But i kinda started wondering if this could just be dysphoria? Does it sound like dysphoria? Idk i just wanted an opinion about it? Ive been thinking its just more practical to avoid it altogether since i dont think i have dysphoria and since i feel like shit when thinking about it and if i dont do anything i dont think i feel like shit? But maybe i do feel dysphoria and i just have been ignoring? Idk thats all i just needed to get it out of my head so i could work

this sounds like dysphoria to me. i mean like… are you happy living as a cis woman for the rest of your life? does that make your happy? or does it kinda make your heart sink? like this is a genuine question; nobody can answer this but you!

[gayboygaming]

HI omg sorry if this ask is a bit too personal but I read some of your gender posts and I'm like.... damn they just like me fr... anyways um what's it like not "feeling gender" asking for a friend ahah,

Well im aware of what a boy is and im aware of what a girl is. But i just dont really feel like either of those. What does it mean to be a boy? If you get down to it, it really does mean nothing. Atleast it means nothing to me. Im not strong, im not independent, im not masculine in the traditional sense. So i guess im not a boy? Which is fine because i dont resonate with being a boy at all. But obviously a boy doesnt need to be masculine, strong or independent. So i ask again. What does it mean to be a boy? Nothing. So why should i actually commit to that label? Just because ive been told all my life that im a boy without ever really understanding what that actually means? No, thats stupid.

Then i tried just calling myself a girl, but it was just the same thing. What is a girl? Cute, feminine, quiet? Obviously not, every attempt to essentialise what a certain gender has to be like is inherently sexist. So what is a girl? Well, a girl is someone who calls themselves a girl, in the same way that a boy is someone who calls themselves a boy. So what does it mean to be a girl? Nothing. So again, a useless label for me. I do admit that calling myself a girl makes me happier most of the time, but the term feels so hollow that its borderline useless.

So both of the most used terms for gender have no meaning to me and thats also why i dont mind being referred to as either of those. You wanna call me a boy? Alrighty then. Girl? Also cool. I kinda just call myself whatever i feel like at any given moment. Its very random.

I honestly thought that that was everyones opinion of gender, even when i was little i didnt understand why there were boy clothes and girl clothes, or boy toys and girl toys. It always felt very unnecessary and meaningless to me.

So i just settled with calling myself agender, but also genderfluid since people can call me a boy or a girl at will.

I hope this helps :3

[ispyspookymansion]

kora if u feel comfortable could u talk about ur gender journey and relationship w lesbianism bc sometimes im like that tweet that's like. im probably trans but i have a job so idrc about that but. ough it's scary and confusing. what if im just butch.

oh wow! well let me think. going to put this under a cut because its longish

it was a much harder path for me to get to lesbianism than to get to Gender. i had a really hard time accepting that for some reason, it took a lot of agonizing, a lot of intentional repression, a lot of misery and wallowing around words and labels and avoidance and definitions. so by the time i got through that it then opened up some gender doors for me because lesbianism is inherently disruptive of the cisheterosexual matrix, but i really, really didnt want to go through that misery again, so i just decided it didnt matter what i was as far as gender and what mattered was how i felt and what made me happy. i only became confident in calling myself trans in the last ohh i dont know, 6 months? and yet ive been on T for a year! for me the actions came easier than the wording. i tried not to stress about what i was doing and whether it was or wasnt aligned with lesbianism. i trusted in our history of transness and masculinity and found a lot of comfort in talking to other butch and transmasc lesbians about their experiences and feelings, and found such a range of experiences that felt very relevant to me

ultimately, i feel like a lesbian. i knew that and i continue to know that. the way that i feel about the people im attracted to and the kinds of relationships i want to have is what connects me to lesbianism. i dont feel like lesbianism is my last thread to womanhood. it isnt a thread to that at all. theres too rich a history of gender defiance and creation to simplify it like that, so i dont let it be that for me. i dont feel dysphoric about being a lesbian even if cis(het) people might not understand me as being transmasc as well. + butch and transmasc arent exclusive and are often beautiful beautiful copilots in dykery !

i also find pursuing what makes me feel good matters a lot more than finding exact words for it. im not really sure what my gender is honestly? it took me a long time to get comfortable/feel like i was allowed to call myself lesbian, trans, and butch too honestly. but i went through a lot less misery when i took actions First to figure out what felt right and then accepted the words that naturally followed After. am i trans or am i not trans stressed me out much more than do i want to bind or not? do i want my voice to be lower or not? do i want to try a different name and pronouns or not? and then my answers to these led me to actions and opportunities that got me to feeling comfortably trans, without putting so much questioning strain on the lesbianism i felt at my core.

+ the opposite is helpful. crossing off what am i Not and what i dont want can be a lot easier than what Am i. woman has always been absolutely not right. trans took longer to feel right which is silly versus logically if i wasnt cis, i was trans, but i had to go in steos

i guess just remember that theres not a really hard line between butchness and the transmasc umbrella (other than personal definition obviously) and you can be one or both or one now and then later realize the other feels better. try to read about butches and he/him lesbians and transmasc dykes and talk to them where you can and enjoy the range of answers and identities and give yourself grace to explore that without so much pressure on whether its one or the other. youre still you regardless of what words to use to describe it so take your time figuring out what you want before you worry too much about what that means you “are”

ALSO you dont have to be butch to be trans and still a lesbian or vice versa you can be nonbinary or genderqueer or agender or genderfluid or etc etc etc and consider those under the label Trans and also be butch! or you can be those things but Not butch and still a lesbian! you can do whatever forever!

[angstics]

might have more thoughts to add to your drag essay later but for now Big Yes ++ i also have been thinking about the way that Archetypes have been a throughline in basically all of gerard's art, from mcr's concept albums through (what i have seen of) his comic stuff and earlier illustrations and now very vividly in these tour costumes. which to me feels drag-adjcacent, so much of drag culture is about appropriating and camping up (pointing at, exaggerating, making absurd, celebrating) pop culture figures & cultural icons/archetypes. gerard's 2022 costumes are doing the appropriating but not so much the camping, with the exception of the casino king moment -- but camp has been such an important factor in almost all of mcr's history before this (whole books could be written about this). i'd say the black parade look at its peak with all of its liza/fosse influence was Bandleader Drag moreso than the cheerleader look was Cheerleader Drag despite the apparent crossdressing-ness of the latter. yknow?

this is from 21 days ago!!!!! im here now. this is exactly my point. the art form of drag is marked by exaggeration of gender presentation, which is often represented by pop culture figures because they are the arbiters of iconized (ie dramatized ie context-divorced ie CAMPY) femininity or masculinity. people do drag of celebrity performers like elvis or liza, archetypes like construction workers or show girls. one part of drag i didnt talk about is its appropriation of beauty standards -- breast enhancers, faux abs, accentuated glam make-up. there is no focus on beauty in gerard's 2022-23 costumes (are they costumes?) as ive said, theyre casual clothes. it cant be drag. the presentation isnt about accentuation, it's about something else.

it's fun that this point has been further proven by how nonchalant the office worker was. the drama wasnt in the outfit, it was in the gore. there's nothing gendered there. though someone who is typically seen as a man donning female conservative wear and therefore twisting that descriptor is interesting in of itself (as spittingout said)!!!! office drag makes fun of hyperfeminine conservativism. as casual clothes, the effect is different. the subtlety positions these outfits as normal -- which they are.

a while ago i wrote about how critics used the word "camp" incorrectly to detract from my chem being unironically good. i dont like the piece today. i honestly didnt realize that a lot of mcr music is enjoyed for its drama more than its content. my penchant for sincerely consuming everything blinded me. but i do like my classic approach to what makes camp camp -- how it's an intellectual's hidden gem, not something intended. i applied that to how ppl didnt understand the nonconforming looks of my chem past, making the looks camp objects (meaning objects that are highly dramatic because of their lost meaning).

these campy looks include the bandleader persona. the look is gendered by gerard's stage attitude -- the brooding, the aggression, the boxy stature. though the hair and clothing are non descript, they're read as masculine -- the idea that the lack of gender indicates masculinity is a big gender theory topic. even when the original hairstyle is a feminine pixie and the black parade jacket has a corset back, the fact they are, respectively, short and suit-like lands further from feminine readings. SOOOOOOOOOOO all this to say the bandleader is an exaggeration of agender-practically-masculine archetypes like fosse's emcee (a clown doing showman drag, doing showgirl drag, doing fash drag -- more likely to be read as masculine over feminine despite the make-up because clowns are agender, which we know as functionally masculine). wipes brow

another point u didnt talk about but just thought of. INTERESTING that the use of the word "drag" in three cheers ("they make me do push-ups in drag") is obviously synonymous with cross-dressing cuz it's supposed to be embarrassing, while the use of "drag" in black parade ("here's my resignation ill serve it in drag") is closer to the art form or at least empowered cross-dressing. also a fun pun! serve 👨‍💼 and serve 💅

[penumbrialhexandroga]

Byf. Linktree

This blog is meant for free personal expression. (Mental health focused blog) So im not gonna post one single consistent thing. Just be warned, i have posted calico critter content already but also art content which, its all just meant to be a personal place for me to explore self expression. So im not gonna censor myself and

i prefer adult interaction only

as i dont want to limit myself in the art i post here (im not posting nsfw art it feels like im kinda implying that but thats not what i mean) might be posting about my mental health or just like ramble on here but forewarning ive said a lot of stupid shit. But im also just not interested in talking to minors yknow?

About me

24 he/they transsexual ftm/masc agender (meaning I feel a lot of sex dysphoria, but if I had been born in an amab body I would probably identify as non binary, agender). Ive been on testosterone since I was 16 and have had top surgery, I would like bottom in the future; that's as much as I'm willing to speak on the subject of surgery.

I have non human parts and so I identify as therian because of that. But I prefer to stay kinda non specific about my parts 'v'

I consider myself plural because of how I experience my parts.

Since this is gonna be a mental health focused blog (because im focused on my mental health rn), I'm gonna list what ive been dxed with. But know that diagnoses are not static things and they can change over time; at one point, my therapist thought I had schizophrenia for example, but that's no longer the case. My diagnoses can never capture the complexity nor totality of myself as an individual. But I do think they're relevant and help me define my story. I was first diagnosed with the following at 21:

Autism level 1, level 1, PTSD, ADHD inattentive presentation, OCD, Persistent Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Persistent Motor/vocal Tic Disorder.

(But I really now only get motor tics the vocal tics were happening during my dissociative episode)

Just the other day (at 24) my current therapist I've been seeing for a few years says I have CPTSD.

So that fuckin sucks (*´；ェ；｀*)

This blog is for me to just practice existing and taking up space and expressing myself and being real.

Okay as for like PERSONAL INTERESTS

I'm an artist, ive been drawing since I could hold a crayon. Recently I've been doing watercolor plein air stuff. But my main focus has always been like figure and portrait drawing. I love drawing from life. And I've been loving painting from life too!

I've also been developing an increasing interest in 3d modeling

Ive been listening and reading the Warrior Cats series :) I first picked it up when I was a kiddo, but never got too far even tho I loved it. I'm tryna catch up as fast as I can lol but expect to see that kinda content

I love animals in general, all animals.

I consider myself deeply spiritual (some parts more than others lol) and I like to read tarot sometimes

I love languages! Ive made my own script and would like to develop a conlang but im not that cool yet lol. Im native English speaker, can speak a bit of Japanese (i understand better than I speak), ive also studied some Southern Lushootseed and Arabic in college, but haven't retained those well.

I love anime and Manga, my favorites are inuyasha, oyasumi punpun, Pluto.

I love ancient human history! I love animals! I love thinking on the wonder that it is to be alive and sentient.

I say stupid shit!! I'm a flawed human!! Doing my best

linktree

[doofus-and-dragons]

OK SO IM ON S2 OF TMA AND I NEED TO GET MY THOUGHTS INTO THE WORLD SO I DONT FORGET

Jon- the love of my life, my current fictional husband, and the man living rent free in my head for the past 2 days- I know you've been through something awful and I understand feeling weary about the coworkers who worked with Gertrude, but am I wrong in believing the Sasha, Tim, and Martin have never worked with her?

I mean, please correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression these three never even knew her.

How could they have killed her?

Jon, maybe Martin's secret is that he's gay.

Wait is Martin gay for Jon?

WAIT WHAT IF THATS THE SECRET

WHAT IF THE "LYING" HE'S BEEN DOING TO THEM IS LYING ABOUT THE FACT HE LIKES THAT GIRL WHO I THINK WAS MENTIONED ONCE

AND THE POEMS THAT JON THOUGHT WERE ABOUT HER WERE ACTUALLY ABOUT HIM

IVE CONNECTED THEM

Anyway, Tim is too much of a himbo to be able to pull anything this complex off (affectionate)

And Sasha worked in the relics room before the archives so

I don't think she's a suspect

So episode 47 huh

I didn't make the connect to micheal UNTIL MICHEAL STARTED TALKING

I THOUGHT JON WAS TALKING ABOUT A DIFFERENT MICHEAL. MIKE? FROM EPISODE 46 AND ALSO THAT ONE WHERE ELIAS RUDELY INTERUPTED LIKE THE BITCH HE IS

It's funny when Sasha, Tim, and Martin do it, but how dare he

Yes, I am aware this is a double standard. But Elias is an annoying prick and I don't like him

Anyway, Micheal sounds like a feral version of Glam from Heavy metal family and honestly? I love glam so I'm here for it.

MICHEAL DONT HURT JON'S HE'S BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH

Micheal is agender confirmed. Why? Because They/It litterally said they didn't exist

MICHEAL DID YOU STAB JON?!

DUDE I LIKE YOU BUT DONT WHY

WHAT DO YOU MEAN PREMATURELY?!

SIR?!MADAM?! PRESENCE?! CREATURE BEYOND MORTAL COMPREHENSION?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! WHY DID YOU STAB JOHN?!

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

[goblinbugthing]

ok so there’s stuff in my brain again. thoughts

basically i have this group of 7 ocs that i originally made during my dra phase and haven’t touched in years, but ive been thinking about them a lot recently and ive started to feel like revamping their characters, giving them a good old redesign, and rewriting them and their story.

ofc im gonna remake them so they’re less. yknow, really terribly written. but when i say i wanna rewrite their story i mean i wanna turn it into a fic, instead of just remaking them and leaving them alone and rotting again.

im gonna ramble more under the cut, but that’s the basics of what’s happening in my brain rn

(cw for mentions of cults, human experimentation, death/murder, and implied abuse)

anyway, these guys are pretty old characters — i made the first two of them when i was like 11 — and so of course, they are. Not Good. and its gonna take a solid amount of work to actually fix them up and make them decent. but i really want to.

lemme introduce their dumbasses real quick:

first of all, we’ve got jay! real creative name, i know (/sarcasm). they’re 16, agender, intersex, and bisexual, using they/them pronouns, and they’re a human experiment. they were abandoned when they were 6 by their (super religious) parents who thought they were a fucking demon, and they got picked up by some cultists that claimed to work for an orphanage. spoiler alert, they did not work for an orphanage, and those fuckers grabbed jay, dragged them to a facility, and experimented on them for the next 10 years. those experiments turned them into a shapeshifter. dont ask me how because i dont know. they’ve also got several very badly written mental illnesses, as is the usual with creepypasta ocs. oh yeah they were a creepypasta oc btw

then there’s jay’s gf, willow. she’s 17, cis, pan, and ace, using she/her pronouns, and she’s just a normal human girl with no special abilities. but she does have a shitty dad and a dead mother. she and jay kill her dad after a bunch of Wild Shit. violent revenge, yay!

aaand cora. she’s 17, cis, bisexual (i think, i cant find her info anywhere), and uses she/her. she’s jay’s identical twin, and also a normal human, but she has psychokinesis. like she can move stuff with her brain. cool

next on the list is sigasi. she’s 21, cis, and aroace, using she/her pronouns, and she’s also a human experiment. jay sees her as an older sister, but they’re not actually related. she’s not a shapeshifter like them, but she’s got weird void claw hands and some fucked up wings that don’t work.

and then oh dear god, delta sun. he’s 26 (i think), cis, neptunic, demiromantic, and asexual, using he/him pronouns, and he’s in the same boat as jay and sigasi. instead of being kidnapped, though, he was given to the cultists by his mother (who thought he was a demon) and was raised in the experimentation facility. also, he’s half angel. his dad is an angel while his mom is a (super religious) human.

and SPEAKING of delta’s mom, it’s hope! she’s technically in her 50s but she died at 27, cishet and uses she/her pronouns. she’s essentially just hara before hara, but she is SO MUCH MORE INSANE. LITERALLY. she’s super religious and superstitious, she’s scared of everything, she’s been gaslit and indoctrinated into the same cult that the human experimenting fuckwads are in, she’s dead, she’s fucking crazy, she’s so badly written. i love her.

and as for delta’s dad, that would be ea. he’s 427, completely genderless, and doesn’t label his sexuality. uses all pronouns because fuck it, and they’re a somewhat biblically accurate angel. i dont have much info on him unfortunately, and what i do have written down is unimportant.

as you can see, three of them are human experiments. this is because i had a phase where i was obsessed with human experimentation. i thought it was so fucking cool.

anyway! the lore behind these bastards is super complex and ive been hyperfixating on that for a few days. i dragged some old shit out of the abyss to actually remember stuff about them, and uh. god theyre so badly written it hurts me.

fuck it im making a lore doc

[sickknotdoom]

i love sparklecare ( i really do ) but i don't understand the cometcare au at all and i don't get its hype. the designs look SO rushed ( like it was put together in a 10 minute art challenge ) and is it just me or. is the art style progressively getting worse ( for both sparklecare and cometcare ). i hate how random cometcare is too, i tried reading it and my brain got so fried. i had no idea what was happening. i loved cometcare at first, it was cool when it was JUST pollarrydoomi then they threw in these random ass characters and went "oh yeah. ur dating and have a child." ???? especially with hemera, the only (?) aroace character, why is she with caroline and why does she have a kid. adding hemera and miley into the mix was SUCH a bad idea. also. caroline x doom???? carruni s/x canon ( even though uni is aegosexual/asexual ... ) cometcare had so much potential and it all went down the drain by adding 10 thousand nearsiblings

FORGIVE ME FOR HOW LONG THIS RESPONSE IS

ive been saying exactly this ever since i found out about the cometcare au. literally everybody has a million children with everyone else and im like. why.

this may be a controversial opinion but i am not a fan of carroom (caroline x doom) in the slightest, since caroline is literally shown to hate doom in the main comic. literally all of their interactions involve caroline insulting doom, not to mention the earlier half of volume three.

i know enemies to lovers is a thing but if somebody chucked a full bucket of puke on my head, and then gave my sister this Judgemental Ass Look for offering to clean it up, i would honestly Kill Them. regardless of if they secretly had a crush on me or i secretly had a crush on them or whatever. you cannot convince me these two dont fucking hate eachother.

also i mean this in the most respectful way possible but i feel like theyre sorta erasing carolines sexuality with this? i may be attracted exclusively to men, but allow me to speak for a bit.

i am not at all trying to invalidate dooms agender identity, but. speaking as someone whos agender myself. i look exactly like a cis man. i am assigned male at birth, my testosterone is absolutely thriving since im going through puberty, i look like a man and i have zero intent to ever change that. if someone was NOT attracted to men, they would NOT be attracted to me, regardless of me actually being agender. especially not if i Tortured And Murdered Their Friends.

this isnt invalidating dooms gender identity nor is it invalidating mine, im definitely into something here. as someone whos gay (nblm) i wouldnt instantly develop a crush on lizzo if she came out as agender, especially not after the fucked up shit she did. now apply this to carroom, and miloom (miley x doom). but mainly carroom.

i understand carruni since unis a closeted trans woman, but thats different from carroom in a lot of ways. it would make sense for uni to not alter her gender expression as long as shes in the closet, since she isnt ready to explain to anyone else what she really is to anybody else. caroline and uni have an extremely deep bond too, so ofcourse shed come out to caroline first, and ofcourse theyd develop crushes on eachother. in the future (going off of au's and such), when uni is out of the closet, she is shown to present as her authentic self, and she. does a really good job at it. shes fucking gorgeous in cometcare. so it makes sense for caroline to be attracted to her.

and also uni isnt a serial killer. caroline seems to really dislike serial killers to the point where shed throw full buckets of vomit on them, which is. reasonable.

however again, unis aegosexual (if i recall correctly, uni and hemera are the only characters confirmed to be on the asexual spectrum as of volume four, not including characters that havent appeared yet) so it feels wrong to explicitly sexualize her regardless, especially if the clowns are "uncomfortable" with fans doing the same.

while were on this topic, agreed. hemera (the only aroace character in the entire sparklecare universe so far, including au's last time i checked) has like four other partners in cometcare. i dont think thats a very good idea considering they made it a point to explicitly point out her being aromantic in volume two.

and yeah, the artstyle has been very clearly degrading, i have another post about that.

how the fuck do i end this

[liloozy]

you know what? Fuck it.

ive been going thru a gender and sexuality crisis for like a month now. But I think I finally decided what I am...

Hi, my name's Morgan. I do art, and im a two spirited, agender butch lesbian.

I found out I was two spirited through programs, beacuse I myself, is indigenous.

Two spirited for me, means someone who feels a strong connection to their feminine side, and masculine. As if they have both a male and female soul.

My main pronouns are he/him but I also use she/her, it/its, them/them.... really whatever. I'm also a lesbian. I love girl, their pretty. And even though my main pronouns are he/him, I'm still a butch lesbian. For I am also a girl, I like man the way a female would. I like man the way a man would. I like females the way a man would. I like females the way a female would. I know it's really confusing, but I feel like genders suppose to be confusing. It's a way of who you are, it's your personality. And we as humans are all complex and confusing.

i don't know how to end this .... Uh.... Momento Mori

[soggycereal]

this is so me

as an agender person (ive decided im agender not neutrois ive finally got a understanding of the difference) i remember the exact moment i found out about gender, i was gobsmacked. i mean i knew it in a gender roles way like "based on your genitalia you have certain things to do in society and things that are the standard for you to like" but the minute i found out everyone else wasn't dressing in frilly dresses and all pink for the cunty vibes but instead for gender euphoria i was like BOOOOOOOOOOOOORING (no offense thats just 13 year old me) and then i fully didnt understand gender for like 5-7 years like i was researching transgender theory and would see stuff talking about the feeling of gender and i was like "????" because what the freak that must be an exaggeration (i understood it in theory) and would go "looking" for the feeling of gender like where is it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then one day i was talking about gender and genderqueerness with a trans person and they were like "I feel like a man and you feel like a woman right?" and i said "do you really feel like a gender? cause ive been looking for that feeling and its nowhere, sounds like a bunch of hullabaloo to me" and they were like "rosa most people have that feeling"

*dont judge for taking so long to go through these phases ive been isolated with bad mental health my entire adolescence so thus am nowhere as aware of the world as most others

I know SEVERAL afab nonbinary people who, as soon as they came out as nonbinary - immediately began dressing in ridiculous hyper-femme outfits they never would have worn before.  A lot of people see this and say shit like “Theyfab” or say they are only nonbinary for attention.  After all, look how femme they are.

But to me, this makes perfect sense.  When you are forced into the category of “woman” against your will, femininity is a chore.  It’s a job that you have.  As soon as you say no, I’m not a woman, suddenly femininity isn’t your job anymore.  It’s not a requirement.  It’s just a fun hobby you can get into.  Or a little treat sometimes.

[merildae]

1-6!

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? no, not at all. i havnt seen them in a year and half (since starting HRT). Our relationship isnt bad due specifically to me being trans, I just knew i needed to create distance between us and set boundaries since i knew i would be emotionally fragile at the start of transitioning. and they have only ever really caused me emotional distress. had a very traumatic childhood/ teenagehood with them and have spent most of my adult life healing and trying to set boundaries. boundaries that have only ever made them angry push back. i feel good about the boundaries ive set but it amounts to very low contact since they have really not been able to respect my privacy.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? my freinds who drove me to and from getting top surgery. we told each other that we loved each other at several points that day. it was really moving to know i have people who i can trust to tak e care of me in moments of valnerabilty/ need. im really lucky to know such amazing and caring people 03: Do you regret anything? im not sure how many people here remember, but i tried coming out as trans around 2015 when i was in college. iirc i came out as agender with they/them pronouns and started binding a bit and looking into HRT. i ended up going back in the closet because i realized i would have to tell my parents if i wanted to transition since i was on their health insurance/ they were paying for college. i knew i did not feel comfortable giving them any control over that part of myself or that kind of medical journey so i made a hard turn into pretending to be a very femme cis woman. i regret not finding the strength to venture more out on my own away from them and starting HRT then. it would be like 8 years of suicidal misery until i finally found the strength to come out again and transition. i wish i coul have lived those 8 years more authentically since it was most of my 20s...

04: Are you insecure? at the moment, not really. I think im pretty cool. im a good artist, im good at my job at a museum (my dream job actually), i think im smart and now that im far enough into my transition i like how i look and think im pretty hot lol. i am somewhat insecure about my social skills, i always fear i am being awkward or rude when i dont mean to be. I wish i was better at particicpating in my local community.

05: What is your relationship status? single, I am looking to start dating seriously though, i think im actually at a good place to be in a relationship again. i just need to put myself out there haha

06: How do you want to die? something exciting or memorable. if they were still a thing i think a sword fight or a duel would be cool. but as part of a revolution or standing up for something i believe in would also be good i think

[mariposa-de-la-luna]

cw: sexual activities and orientation, gender experience

what does it all mean?? i used to loosely identify as a trans guy when i was 17-20 (basically i was non-binary but heavily masc-leaning), but then i realized that im agender AND i love soft aesthetics, skirts and dresses, lace, long hair etc… plus i don’t really even understand the idea of gender or believe in it lol. but uhhh. yeah idk i don’t really feel that much like a girl at all?? if anything i think i feel more masculine inside?? i enjoy presenting feminine and dressing how i want but sometimes i want to dress like a boy hahahaha. most of the time i like my dresses and stuff but i like boy clothes too

anyway tmi coming up but i occasionally get horny and when i do i occasionally like to listen to sexy audio (the talking ones lol), and lately ive been really into audios made for men? like F4M yknow. so what the fuck does that mean and what does any of it mean and i honestly don’t really want to be genderfluid tbh like in order to be satisfied as a genderfluid person i would want to come out and like go by different pronouns depending on the day or whatever but that’s so confusing and most people find it super cringe. i could maybe go by they/them but honestly those are my least favorite pronouns and i prefer she/her or he/him but neither all the time which is asking too much of people. annoyingly

but yeah like i think all the time about how i wish i had a dick and i wish i was born a boy so i could dress feminine in a way that didn’t read “tradwife” and feel equally valued as a top or a bottom and maybe even be more desirable.

literally what am i saying and what are the implications of all of this, and have i just been trans this whole time and i just have internalized transphobia so i ignore it or shove it down, i don’t think im transphobic at all and i definitely identify as nonbinary but what the fuckkkk being nonbinary is so easy when you’re cis passing, it gets a whole lot weirder and harder when you want to cross genders lol

[pingintech]

what the fuck does this mean??? transfemme people are transfemme people why are we using agab to try to dismiss or diminish the struggles of someones identity or experience how the fuck is this gender praxis yall youre just reinventing the gender binary

also just because transfemmes can be women and have uncomplicated relationships with womanhood doesnt mean thats the only way to be transfemme nor is it the only way to be a woman!!!

its not misogyny to suggest a woman can have a troubled relationship with being a woman in a society geared towards men

im a binary trans woman i spent plenty of my first years of transition striving to pass and meet some perfect ideal of femininity i believed would let others see me an ideal that i felt i wanted and had missed out on but putting on frilly dresses everyday and wearing makeup and acting stereotypically feminine in a bid to pass felt like i was putting on a costume i was playing a part

its self evident that thats not all being a woman is because i still am a woman despite the fact ive done a full 180 on my approach towards being me towards being a woman

womanhood includes me because ive seen me as i am now in other women and because i get to define what being a woman is to me

but i felt that i needed to achieve some high art form of femininity to be a woman because of the societal pressures and expectations i was raised with and at the time hadnt yet unlearned

so YES i have a troubled relationship with womanhood not just my own misconceptions the beliefs and views society holds of women as a whole but even now i dress more masc i wear whats comfortable im authentically me in a way that isn't traditionally femme and yet im constantly misgendered by men and other women who see me and feel i dont meet what it means to be a woman womanhood has a problem with me but i am still me im still a woman

its not misogyny for me to struggle as a woman in a world that expects so much of women in fact its a very common experience for women in most parts of the world lol

and all thats just me as a binary trans woman there are plenty of nonbinary transfemmes who have totally different and more complicated relationships with femininity and gender because of how society treats them how assholes LIKE YOU treat them as if its misogyny for them to exist simply because they arent strictly abiding to the gender binary

and nonbinary transfemmes dont need to have a complicated relationship with gender to exist!!! you can be assigned female at birth be transfemme and have a really chill relationship with womanhood

the odds arent very high because people like you exist that stand to try and dictate what womanhood even is but regardless suffering isnt a prerequisite for being transfemme despite ones agab

there are plenty of binary intersex trans women demigirls agender bigender or gender fluid folks who were assigned female at birth and identify somewhere on the transfemme spectrum theyre all valid and nothing about their existence is transmisogyny an attack on "real transwomen" or an indication that theres really anything wrong with being a woman inherently

watch your tumblr feeds trans friends because once you let posts like these infiltrate your feed and go unexamined you leave yourself vulnerable to these terf talking points

you need to learn how to spot stink like this and really examine your views on gender and sexism and society read queer theory and consider your biases

this is not me judging any of you who saw this post and were lulled into the line of thought especially since recently theres been a lot of hate geared towards transmascs in the community and people who are trans and were assigned female at birth but you should try and question where some of these talking points are coming from what the goal is if the goal is nothing but creating division and exclusion then maybe theres something to think about

not to say there hasnt been some division created by trans male voices speaking for the transfemme experiences instead of letting transfemme folks tell those stories but there are valid ways to critique behaviors within our culture and then theres mud slinging blatant hate against anyone that isnt you

there is no wrong way to be trans*

femboys crossdressers transvestites transgender people transexuals nonbinary people intersex people two spirit people drag queens kings and everything in between they all deserve a spot at our table they are our siblings and they face similar oppressions if they want community with us they DESERVE community with us they have fought long and hard for it i will not stand for anyone trying to cut off the limbs of our mighty tree to sacrifice it to some conservative demon in exchange for promises of assimilation

if trans people who arent you disgust or scare you then maybe you need to take a step back and realize that youre treating others the way many treat us with revulsion ridicule and hate

if you want so badly to finally be able to turn the tables and be the leopard to eat other peoples faces then maybe you shouldnt be trusted

implicit in the idea of AFAB transfems is the conception of transfem as an identity category that indicates primarily a troubled, intermittent, or circumspect relationship to womanhood. this itself is transmisogynistic. transfems are perfectly able to have a relationship to womanhood as simple as being a woman.